Hey everybody! Celebrity unicorns Tori Spelling and serial cheat Dean McDermott are expecting their fifth child. People magazine broke the story with the headline “Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott on Saving Their Marriage After Infidelity: ‘We Had to Start Over'”
Yes, it’s all about starting over. Those first four children? They were just practice children. And that kid from his other marriage? That one doesn’t count at all. THIS kid is the magic kid who will make Dean keep it in his pants. Chumps know how pregnancy keeps men faithful. Fetuses have superpowers.
See Dean petting that stuffed lizard? Babies are just like stuffed lizards. Watch me cradle this lizard. Am I doing it right? You can trust me with a lizard! He is one with the lizard. Totally method. As his children wander away from him, except for that defiant kid whose face says, “Seriously? This guy?”
Hey, it’s different this time.
“We worked really hard!” chirps Tori as if she were decorating a cupcake. “I found my voice.”
That was the problem — Tori Spelling never had a presence before. Shy, retiring, shrinking violet Tori Spelling.
Dean: “Love conquers all. That’s what this pregnancy says about our relationship — it’s everlasting.”
Tori: “It’s really different than the other pregnancies! We just got lost after the first one. It just happens!”
Dean: “For this pregnancy, I feel more mature. I feel more present.”
Tori (interrupting): “HE’S BEEN SO NUTURING!”
I’m trying to imagine the new reality TV series that’s going to come from this. Diapering With The Stars?
“I feel like people take marriage too lightly in this day and age,” Tori tells People.
Some people think other people take reproduction too lightly. But whatever.
“Sometimes things happen in life and they’re mistakes, but love doesn’t just turn off. That’s not how our hearts work.”
I’m sure your first husband is intrigued by that statement. (To those just tuning in, Tori and Dean were married to other people when they fell terribly, hopelessly, forever in love.)
“I want our kids to know one day that we stuck it out and worked through it.”
Good luck, Tori. Your kids are the special kids who are worth sticking it out for, unlike your stepson, who I guess was just one of those life “mistakes.”
What other unicorn stratagems can you cycle through to keep that Canadian ham faithful? First there was the Tori penis tattoo. Failed. So you got new tattoos in Paris — Tout mon coeur, Tout ma vie. I hope any would-be OW reads French.
Children one-through-four flunked the Keep Daddy Faithful test. Let’s hope 5 is the magic number.