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UBT: “You Were So Perfect, I Had to Cheat”

mindfuckchannelBWUsually cheaters run chumps down and blameshift their affairs. You Weren’t Meeting Their Needs. You suck. They love you, but just not in that clandestine-hooker-profile-rent-a-room kind of way.

Yet every now and then chumps get this particular bit of mindfuckery from the self-pity channel:

“I cheated because I was insecure and needed a distraction. I suffer from low self-esteem and every time we were together I just kept thinking ‘What do I have to offer this perfect woman?’ and it ate me up. Cheating gave me the distraction I needed to escape my thoughts.”

(This is an actual bit of mindfuckery sent to the Universal Bullshit Translator.)

I give it points for sophistication. To simply blameshift — “You suck, ergo I had to cheat on you” — is like being attacked with a blunt force object. Maybe a hammer or a piano leg.

To say “I had to cheat on you because you’re too perfect” is like being assassinated by a radio-isotope-poison-tipped umbrella.

It’s cunning! It’s clever!

What’s a chump to do with this? Be flattered? “He thinks I’m perfect!”

Be angry? But you can’t be angry because a) he just flattered you and b) he is a Timid Forest Creature who suffers from low-self-esteem! Any anger directed at him could cause the esteem indexes to crash and could result in calamity — an affair with Josh Duggar. A three-way with the Subway guy.

Look, I don’t know, but it could be DIRE. This man is so distracted by your perfection, there’s no telling what he might do!

How about you stop being so perfect and loosen up a bit? Let this affair(s) slide. Show us your humanity Ice Princess, the one without all the morals and boundaries and shit. Let your hair down and slum with Mr. Low Self Esteem until he feels less threatened by you. You could have an affair too and let him watch! That would even the score.

Or how about you help him with his insecurity? He just betrayed you, yes. Risked your health, humiliated you. I get it. But why not bolster his self esteem? Compliment him! “Lovely sweater you’re wearing today, Conrad!” Did he wipe the crumbs off the counter today? Notice!!!

Or how about you answer the cheater’s question: “What do I have to offer this perfect woman?”

Nothing, dude. Absolutely nothing.

This column ran previously.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I agree. Nothing.

    In fact after a decade together, I just found out my husband fucked a prostitute when I was pregnant with our daughter.

    Did he get checked for STDs in case? No. Of course not.

    How fucking special.

    At the end of a decade together I have:

    Significant savings: NO (thanks, Train-wreck)
    Stability: ha ha NO
    a spouse that loves and / or respects me: NO
    at least an honest spouse? NO

    Am I fucked everyway from Sunday, except for actually getting fucked? Yes.

    Which might be a safer option for me considering he just put together a timeline and figured out that AT THE MOST, he’s been faithful for maybe a few months” in the last TEN YEARS.

    No. I don’t think he has anything to offer me, or much of anyone. Doesn’t work. Entitled to so much. Doesn’t clean up or anything. I am working under his name because I am also on MATERNITY leave with a new son. That I get up with every night myself.

    I guess if I REALLY need someone to sit around watching Netflix and CNN I could put an ad on kijiji.

    And really, if I wanted my day FLOODED with political news, I’d just turn on CNN myself. God. What the Hell happened to my life?

    • Glad you found us. Call a lawyer. Get this asshole served. Nothing to save here, I’m sorry. A decade of a double life, risking your health? No.

      Don’t tell him. Just do it. Get those ducks lined up.

      • Working on it.

        My finances are so fucked right now. I am waiting on $10000 in old tax refunds from the government.

        Otherwise I am pretty stuck. Like I said, he doesn’t work. But this winner does PANHANDLE to make the ends meet. Because sadly, without it we can’t make rent.

        And without my back taxation coming in, I can’t pay for it all myself. Not to mention I will either have to lose the job or the maternity leave. (Oh yay, choices). At least until maternity leave is done (April).

        I feel like I’m not “genuine” by not throwing dishes at his ass and serving him with papers tomorrow afternoon.

        This whole thing is so humiliating.

        • I’ll never let him risk my health again. I wouldn’t fuck him if he showed up with a ten-inch duvk and a lifetime supply of chocolate.

            • Sorry to post so damn much. My (last) D-day was on Saturday. That’s when the hooker thing cane out. I used to be SO IN LOVE with this guy. I couldn’t believe when I found out about his porn-addiction. Now, I am not even shocked about this. Like, not even at all. It even seemed almost like a foregone conclusion. Like, “OF COURSE HE FUCKED A HOOKER AHD RISKED MY HEALTH, it was a day that ended in Y, right?” My first D-day I was so devastated. I think I crawled into bed for a week and wanted to die. I was throwing up, migraines etc etc etc etc. But now, it’s like I am 90% on the way to “meh” already. The biggest feeling I have about this is SORRY FOR THE HOOKER. My husband is terrible in bed. At least it wouldn’t have lasted long. Probably the easiest money she made all week.

              • 99% of cheaters are horrible in bed. Ex sure as hell was with me. And I’d bet everyone else too…

              • Please, no apologies, get it all out. We get it and we support you. Vent it, Baby!

              • Haha, this is so poignant that I had to turn on my computer to comment properly! My STBX was well endowed, that’s for sure, but he had no idea how to use his tongue, whether it was kissing or… other things. He was like kissing a dead fish. There was no passion.

                When it came to sex, he couldn’t get me off for the life of him. I figured it was me, and just accepted it and “helped” along, so it wasn’t so bad. However, I’m multi-orgasmic. And I’d like more than one. Call me demanding. He never aided in that department.

                Fast forward 6 months after D-Day, and a guy who’s had a crush on me for a while kissed me. HOLY SHIT! There was passion, desire, EVERYTHING in that kiss. It was such a turn on. And yes, it led to sex. The most mindblowing sex I’ve had my entire life. Just from having a good make-out session and being with someone who genuinely finds me attractive and not just a hole to pump their dick in. Sorry for being crass, but that’s how I felt most of the time with the ex.

                But when I have sex with the new guy, I have multiple orgasms, I don’t need to even touch myself to get there. I feel like I’m Samantha from Sex and the City. It is fucking fantastic.Or fantastic fucking.

              • Yes, don’t apologize. We are Chump Nation and you are in the right place to seek solace and comfort. You are safe here. You can even use graphic obsceneties like FUCK!!! ??
                Your husband can fuck right the fuck off full time fucking hookers all he wants with his pathetic “lovemaking” skills. Tell him I said ??????

              • I excused OW #1 and #2 because in my fucked up brain he managed to explain it away as needing to feel loved and because these two nightmares were spaced so far apart (many years), I had been able to convince myself that he was so damaged that these women were able to prey on his weakness.

                Finding his Ashley Madison account later on – well, that was something even my sorry Chumpy brain couldn’t sugar coat. There was just no way I could spackle him needing an account with a company that specializes in providing cheaters the opportunity to find other cheaters while being protected from discovery (ha! that didn’t work out too well for him!)

                I’m very sorry for your situation, but having your eyes opened up is the first step to your freedom.

              • You would be better off with a roommate who paid 1/3 of the expenses for rent and utilities. And make sure that back tax payment doesn’t go to Mr. CableAddict.

              • Go ahead and post away! Your chumpdom is new and raw and allowing yourself to rant among those who’ve walked your journey is very helpful.

                Given that your maternity leave lasts until April, I hazard that you are not in the U.S., where maternity leave is around 2 months. Divorce laws vary wildly from country to country. It is worth seeing of lawyers in your area have reduced rates for initial consultations. If that’s the case, then go find your rights under the law, and find out if you have additional rights as a result of his cheating. Some countries allow for a faster divorce, but you have to prove infidelity. If he gives you a written timeline, that would probably be admissible as acknowledgment of guilt.

                Since he is the father, he may have some custody rights, but he also should pay some child support. Of course, if he’s panhandling, then he won’t be able to pay. See if it’s possible to revisit child support a few years from now to see if he’s able to pay at that point. Also check to see if the state would grant custody to a man who has to beg on the street in order to make ends meet.

                Overall, though, I agree with LovedaJacakass. If you can kick his sorry ass to the curb, you could find someone to split your rent with. This would help with the cost of living until you get back to work and your back tax refunds start coming in. Even so, that money will disappear quickly. You’ll need a longer term plan to make ends meet.

                Best of luck!

              • oh, my! Mine “learned” to be better after 10 years, because I have read how to improve our sex life!
                I now know that “short and pleasant” was not about his lunch meal … his affair with a pro was during working hours.

              • Alex- fellow chump from Canada, with jaw dropping similarities. definitely go for that legal consultation. Canada is all no fault, you’re right. You can claim adultery. But in Canada the adultery isn’t an submission of emails… and it may not work for favor. All it means you can skip your one year waiting period of seperation. But because then it’s not a simple uncontested divorce, you’re more likely to have to drag this all in front of a judge more. To skip the year seperation, He has to sign the legal documents admitting it. He sounds like a tool who is going to 1) ask for joint so that you and he balance custody and he pays less. 2) not agree to sign the admission of adultery because ‘he wants to work on the relationship’ (wait a year and make you crazy). Get a lawyer who has handled adulterous and non-contested divorces – this walking cliche may be easier to wait out… it will also matter what the family judges are like in your area. good luck. I’m around.

              • in response to Alex in Canada, I choose to wait it out as recommended by my lawyer. I have nothing but a separation agreement that he follows but only because he cant/wont pay child support. He agreed to a settlement but hasnt paid and apparently the courts cant force him to. He was so magnanimous to agree to what ever my lawyer drew up even my lawyer trusted he would settle. Anyway almost 3 years later – no divorce no $. This is the Canadian version of the shit sandwich. I was “nice” and did what I was advised.
                You should be assertive and firm now even though its the most difficult time but it will pay off later when you have peace. A short shit storm is better than a lifetime of crap!

          • A ten inch duck (and chocolate) would be welcome. Him? Fuck off, dude. Hope that tax refund comes in quick.

            • CrazyDogLady (I’m one of those too – six beautiful dogs at my house), does your new friend have a brother? 😉

              • No, sorry, he only has two sisters. 😉

                I only have two dogs, one which STBX is insisting on taking with him in the divorce. I’m allergic to any other furry animals, so I can’t become a crazy cat lady. Hence, crazy dog lady. 😉

            • He would have better luck with a ten-inch DUCK! LMAO. He has NO CLUE what to do with the other. He thinks his dick is just a cheap toy to pull on the second your wife isn’t watching…..

              • I am trying to respond to kb but I think it will post way further down.

                I am in Canada in a no-fault province. Luckily most custody cases here go 87% mother sole custody with father visitation.

                Also, I can divorce on the grounds of Adultery.
                And guess what, he confirmed it ALL via text. PLUS he ended up documenting HIMSELF because every time he has gone to a hotel for “‘space” without letting me know and abandoning the kids, he sends me a soppy email after.

                Space my ass.

        • Vent away, honey, we are all here for you. Welcome to Chump Nation. Line upnthose ducks, girl!!!!

          I never got an admission to any of his cheating with ex- The Evil One, at least you have the truth, as fucked up as it is… TEO was never good sexually either, i am multi- orgasmic, i was lucky if i got at least one round a week… good time.

          • Once a week!

            You lucky Devil!

            Try maybe 12 times in the last two years. And maybe not even that. And when it DID happen it mostly was was HIM just lying there. Like WTF? Like fucking a Starfish. Pretty much the same amount of effort he put into every other area of his life. Except for screwing me over. He excelled at that!

            • My STBX was also a porn addict. Escalated to four affairs site memberships and hooking up with prostitutes. Looking back on it now, crap in bed too. My heart goes out to you.

            • Oh yeah, he wanted to be pleased, b u t not very pleasurable to me. Porn, dirty talk, take care of myself and act like I was with someine else…ugh…hes such a sack of shit.

              12 times in 2 years?!?!?!? God bless you.

    • My cheater was also lousy in bed. Selfish, lazy, almost puritan. But now he is totally impotent from prostate cancer surgery. But did that stop him from cheating on me for nine years with 3 different sluts? No! You would not believe the filthy sext messages he wrote to them plus all the “l love you’s”!!! I finally caught him and feel like such a moron for how I trusted him. He sucks and I’m stuck. We are 73 and married 49 years!!! How’s that for unbelievable?!!!!

      • I divorced last year at age 71, after nearly 47 years married (nearly 52 together). Life is better than ever, I even have a part-time job I love, and God has set me freeee! At last, liar/cheater/abuser no longer colonizes my mind. Today and tomorrow are precious – you can make the most of the years ahead!

        • Marilyn, thank you for posting… have given me sooooooo much hope for my future! Hugs!

        • Wow! I was feeling sorry for myself because I’m 53 and was chumped for 22. I still find it difficult to imagine a happy future for myself but you have shamed me into trying harder. Like the desiderata states: there will always be those lesser and greater than you but find your place within the universe and peace will come to you if you stay away from those who vex your spirit.

  • I never got this from my stbx.
    I imagine that the cheaters of celebrity chumps get it all the time. Jennifer Anniston, Eva Longoria, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Garner, Gwen Stefani…
    I got “people THINK you are so perfect, but I know the TRUTH.”
    The other women were all perfect – even though they were cheaters too.

    As I approach meh, I give fewer and fewer fucks about being perfect. I am a middle aged woman, with cellulite and wrinkles. I am a less than perfect in all my roles. I surround myself with people who know and accept that about me.

    • “As I approach meh, I give fewer and fewer fucks about being perfect. I am a middle aged woman, with cellulite and wrinkles. I am a less than perfect in all my roles. I surround myself with people who know and accept that about me.”

      I LOVE this, Louisville flower!!!!! 🙂 That is so mighty!!!

  • My ex-hb told me, before I knew he was cheating on me, that I was a much better person than he was. I asked him why he kept telling me this every day. Soon I found out he was cheating and now we’re divorced. But he was right; I AM a much better person than he is. His ‘girlfriend’ broke up with him, even before our divorce was final. Now he’s very sad and hates that he has to pay me support every month. But hey…… I deserve that, for being such a good person! (And I take care of the children mostly, of course).

  • Oh excuses, excuses! Poor babies, we should feel sorry for them! Here’s my cheating ex’s favorite thing to spew to our kids and anyone else who will listen. I cheated because your mom is a bad parent (i.e. I care about your well being), she has problems (i.e. She made me cheat) and…I wasn’t happy (i.e. So I made everyone else miserable too). I can’t be a good parent to you unless I’m happy (i.e. Don’t say anything about my cheating, or I won’t be a nice parent). I wanted out of the marriage and I just didn’t know it (i.e. I was the sad victim, don’t you feel sorry for me).

    Hmm… So he was evening up the bad parent score? Or maybe he thought cheating would make “my problems” go away? Maybe it was he’s so concerned for the well being of our kids that he broke up their family in his “I want the best for my kids” quest? He didn’t know he wanted out of the marriage, yet “I’m” the one with the problems? Laughable!

    • Ha So familiar! Mine said to everyone that I left and broke up our family – with no mention that i left because he was involved with my friend and neighbor. No, he was the victim of a wife who didn’t understand him so he had to get a girlfriend right away so he could be a happy person and good father. I don’t bother trying to correct the false info. – just trying to be a good Mom and keep heading towards meh. The high road is best in the long run but sometimes the low road pulls me towards telling people what an asshole he is and why.

      • Lovedandlost… they are so good at “forgetting” the minor details. part of the good ole mindfuck they not only give chumps, but everyone they think they can con as well.

      • My late husband once told me, “Whoever *PHYSICALLY LEAVES* is the one who breaks up the marriage/family”.

        Unless of course, HE was the one to leave.

      • Yep, they love to turn it around!!!! I also got, “You deserve so much better than what I gave you” and my favorite, “I’m not a good person.” No shit, Sherlock! But if you know you’re not a “good person” and really gave two shits about being one, you wouldn’t keep being a cheating, narcissist asshole. Lame ass, bullshit, self-pity excuse!

        • I got “I’m not a good person” too and “Now we’ll never be equal.” We WERE equals when we met. We’d only been with each other and then he went and fucked the whoremat. And no. We are not equal. I am a good and decent person and you are a selfish prick that ruined my life and destroyed my innocence and trust. And if he wanted to be a good person he wouldn’t have cheated! AND abandoned me!

    • All mine could tell the kids, even after the therapist begged him not to, was “well, you heard me and your Mom fighting the last few months.” Because he didn’t want to tell them the truth. What a great way to set them up for a lifetime of thinking that an argument leads to abandonment.

      But that’s ok. After a few years of keeping my mouth shut except to eat more of his shit sandwiches, I started telling them the truth. Now we all live in honesty. Thanks Chumplady.

    • Same narrative from the evil one, of course not to my face, just all of our friends and aquaintances, 99% are Team Molly and never liked him, always thought he was a sack of shit and (LOL) “not good enough for (me)”.

  • The Cluster Fuck B Sociopath must have thought he hit the jackpot when my dumb co-dependant self decided I could fix all his troubles. i have learned very valuable lessons the hard way:
    Don’t project my good morals and character on ANYONE
    If they show you who they are BELIEVE THEM
    Liars lie
    Never sacrifice your wants and needs for a fucking raging shit storm disaster sociopath.
    Ah-I’m sure they are other lessons I have learned my fellow chumps, however, I feel like meh is in the vicinity. My anger is fading….I’m sorry to see it go because I enjoy watching the Sociopath squirm. It was only a few months ago I was Godzilla on steroids furious. Now it’s gone?. I still have some work to do, but at 14 months out I’m happy and at peace. I still have some triggers to work on. Overall, meh is very close. I don’t want to brag, but all chumps know when you reach meh, you know you are a warrior. You have survived. You are a force to be reckoned with. I feel strong and healthy. Newbies-I promise I was just like you 14 months ago. You will survive, you will feel better. The first 4-6 months are a mindfuck from hell. Hang in there.

    • LOL @ “Godzilla on steroids” – thats awesome!!!

      I am 18 months out, and newbie-Chumps listen to The Ex-corcist, life of Meh is possible. We all get there in our own way in our own time, but we get there nonetheless.

      ((((Hugs))) to all.

  • I was told a variation of this when my ex and I separated: “You are just too strong of a woman for me.” He went on to explain that he hated my successful career, hated that I made myself fully available to raise our three kids, hated that I was good at public speaking and well-liked in our circle of friends.

    I looked at him and said, “So, let me get this straight: You like your women weak?”

    He took it as a direct attack on his Schmoopie, a friend in our circle. Cue the covert narcissistic rage: “I DIDN’T SAY THAT!”

    I responded calmly, “Oh, I think you did. And you’re right. You need a weaker woman so you can feel better about yourself …and I need a stronger man who isn’t threatened by me.”

    Sometimes you have to use their words angainst them to beat them at their own mind-fuckery. It is oh-so-satisfying.

    • Yes, I turned that around on him too. No, you’re not drawn to “broken” women you’re drawn to weak women. She was just easy for him. He even says that to her in the text messages I found. “Being with YOU is so much easier than being with HER.”

      Well sure it’s easy to be with someone who has the substance and character of a bowl of Jello.

      • Agreed Done4Good! Our cheating exes are attracted to the weak and characterless so they can feel better about themselves.

        A weak woman will not have the balls to call your ex out on all of his dysfunctional behaviors (never mind the infidelity), and he knows it. The result? Your ex dropped a diamond while he picked up a penny. Stupid, stupid man. NEVER apologize for your strength.

            • I was so imperfect that my STBX had to cheat with eight women (24 OW in his secret email account, but right hookups that I can confirm). He also said he never felt good enough for me. Go figure.

        • I’m not successful by any stretch of the imagination never finished college, dull job I hate for ten years, no money because of same dull job but I know myself I know who I am and what I want from life. And STBX doesn’t have a clue. I may not be powerful but I still think I’m great and funny and smart and loving and kind and STBX has always felt like a loser and taken everything to heart. We have a tiny condo which is now going to be sold (thanks saving every dime for a decade and NEVER getting to do anything fun!) which meant he wasn’t a good provider. And because he was a grouchy fuck that held a lot of anger and that kept me from initiating sex with him very often that meant I wasn’t attracted to him and didn’t love him. I loved me and our life together and apparently he was miserable that whole time feeling like he was less than. Really?! What a sad reality. And now he’s gone for the whoremat that has literally zero boundaries and let’s any man walk all over her. Must be a lot less pressure. AND she makes all the money so he doesn’t have to be successful. No wonder he doesn’t love me anymore. She’s richer, opens her legs to anyone that says something nice to her and she’ll let him live with her rent free after texting for 5 months. I wish I could move in too ???

    • WOWZA!!!! Clap,clap,clap!! Pretty much said the same to skankboy. “Just think, you’ll be able to get away with anything with her. Good luck with that!” He said, “No, I won’t.” I said, “look at what she is putting up with already.” BOOM……crickets!

      • This was after I told him he gave me an STD and had to tell her to get tested. I asked what her response was and he said “well, she wasn’t too happy.” But Ida Whore is still with Disease Deliverer. So, yes, you idiot, she’ll take all the crap you toss at her, even diseases!

  • I’ll keep my post brief as I am scheduled for court at 10am (Creepo is trying to reduce child support to $25 total for 6 children). Anyhoo, right after the first discard and ghosting I was told “You’re strong so I can do this to you. She NEEDS me”.

    • Good luck in court! I pray the judge looks at your cheater, laughs, and throws the whole thing out!

      • Thanks! Sitting here waiting for the xanax to kick in lol. No, the judge didn’t throw it out. Creepo lawyered up courtesy of Schmoopie. His ability to live is courtesy of Schmoopie. I think the appearance this morning (well… my appearance, he phones in from a different state) is to set a new hearing.

    • Don’t you just love that? Mine tells his sons the same thing I suppose so they won’t have to do any of that pesky worrying about mom. These people seriously share one brain cell among the whole group!

  • Nothing creative from my spouse. No, I got the ILYBINILWY speech followed by some sporadic blame shifting over time which ranged from such offenses as leaving stuff on the kitchen counter to not allowing her to find total happiness.

    I actually bought some of these excuses in the beginning and for a while and I blamed myself. But as time has gone on, I am able to see right through these excuses as the total bullshit that they are. Now it’s like skeet shooting, she throws up an excuse, and I just shoot them down. Quick and easy, and these days, I never miss.

    • Exactly!!! I got something similar about him feeling neglected while i was raising our Autistic daughter, working full-time, cooking, cleaning, etc. and he did nothung.

      They’re all the same.

  • I got this from someone here on CL months ago and it seemed appropriate (though I don’t think it needs to be gender-specific as it seems universally applicable to a variety of scenarios to me):

    Dear Woman,
    Sometimes you’ll just be too much woman.
    Too smart,
    Too beautiful,
    Too strong.
    Too much of something that makes a man feel like less of a man,
    Which will make you feel like you have to be less of a woman.
    The biggest mistake you can make
    Is removing jewels from your crown
    To make it easier for a man to carry.
    When this happens, I need you to understand
    You do not need a smaller crown—
    You need a man with bigger hands.

    Michael Reid

  • The blame shifting is incredible. Mine “wasn’t happy.” This after he told me, “I am not responsible for your happiness.” Apparently, I was responsible for his.

    These losers will say and do anything to avoid looking at their shitty life choice and lousy character. Mine fronts like a “Knight in Shining Armour” and is anything but that. He is controlling and manipulative to the max.

    As for the sex? Gotta agree here – he was not great at all. Don’t miss it one bit and found out there’s better out there (who knew?!)

    • A lot better out there *****. I’ve only been with one woman since the divorce 2 years ago and in the 4 months we had together I can truly say I made up for 30 years of near celibacy. The lonliest marriage. I have hope for a true love some day. 🙂

    • They think not “being happy” is a good excuse to use because it’s so nebulous and intangible. And who could fault someone for wanting to “be happy”? We should all “be happy” right? And it’s a not so subtle blame shift as well.

      However, “being happy” doesn’t require one to lie to their spouse on a daily basis, badmouth their spouse to others, run around and sleep with other people’s husbands and wives, hide money, and all the other special acts of deception it takes to carry on an affair.

    • Yup, mine was a serial cheater in 2 marriages, but it’s always the wife’s fault. The muscles in my eyes get a good workout with Hannibal.

  • x used to make jokes with our extended families about which one of us was stupider for marrying the other.
    “I look at who she married and who I married.” Guess who won the stupid contest. He would go on and on about how I was a guaranteed retirement savings plan because my professional occupation is in high demand and I.can always find a job. So wifey contributes to the household expenses and is the housekeeper and nanny while he goes off to play.
    He got his extra-curriculars while I worked to support him through his school and his career building. My career was never nurtured or developed because his job was more important and would get us that wonderful retirement together. Now we get to split that retirement.
    He never informed me that he was living another life with escorts, hookers, one night stands, porn, his best friend’s wife, online gambling, and various other money wasting things like Ashley Madison and other “bot” dating sites. So I got 20 plus years of so so sex and minimal support through any of “my problems”. Jackass made my father’s terminal illness a promotion issue because we could not move to another country while my dad was dying. My surgery cost him a lucrative contract because he had to take care of me for a couple of weeks.
    Poor sad little x grew up with an evil stepmother who I strongly resemble physically (same build, colouring, voice etc.) Guess he was getting back at evil step by treating his children’s mother with such utter contempt.

    Why is it that almost all cheaters so bad in bed ?
    Dumb question !
    Because they only want their needs serviced!

    • Just Another Chump – ‘Why is it that almost all cheaters so bad in bed ?
      Dumb question !
      Because they only want their needs serviced!’

      ::Applaud:: from this side of the world!

      That is IT in a nutshell.
      Pure and simple, it’s just that they are so selfish and I believe most cheaters are very very selfish.
      Mine would have gotten a medal for selfishness if they had a game-show on with competitors.
      He would win hands down.

      That’s why it stumped me why anybody would want him after he proved himself a stick-toy in bed.
      That’s why I never thought he would have an affair, because he knew he stunk in bed, as far as pleasing his partner.
      Perhaps he enticed her along for awhile making her think he was just holding back until we were divorced. HA. He pulled that prior to getting married – couldn’t have sex until then! Well, I should have known. That was the 70’s, My God.
      He was just hiding his insufficiencies long enough to make me his wife and move a million miles away from my family and then I was stuck.

      What I’m still trying to figure out was why I put it up with it for so long. I guess many of us did here, because we loved them. I can’t think of any other excuse.

      • Something to think about…..I found out why my cheater was NOT GREAT IN BED. In the last 7 years of our marriage he admits to being with 13 people….. 2 of the them women and 11 of them men. He is a gay man using me for a cover the last 21 years. Most of the other men were also married.

          • There is a group call [email protected] You have to apply and be approved before you can post. It is devastating to find out you are married to a cheater but then a total mindfuck when you find out that 21 years of your life was a total lie married to a gay man. I told him if he ever tried and hook up with another women I would tell her his “secret”. I would not wish this on another women even if she were my worst enemy. What has helped the most is chumpladie’s book.

    • Ain’t that the truth! and when you look for some reciprocal “servicing” they lack any sincere effort in order to make you feel what? Needy? Dirty? Unworthy?
      Stupid entitled starfish fucktards. Good fucking riddance

  • Ah yes, the old “you’re not allowed to be more successful than I am, even though I kind of force you to by being a deadbeat” thing. I’m familiar with it. Here are some of my favorite quotes by Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche that hit the nail on the head (though they are about male ego and that’s what I’ve experienced too, it could be applied more generally to victim-blaming narcissists and chumps):

    “By far the worst thing we do to males–by making them feel they have to be hard–is that we leave them with very fragile egos. The harder a man feels compelled to be, the weaker his ego is.
    And then we do a much greater disservice to girls, because we raise them to cater to the fragile egos of males.”

    “We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, ‘You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful but not too successful, otherwise you will threaten the man. If you are the breadwinner in your relationship with a man, pretend that you are not, especially in public, otherwise you will emasculate him.’”

    “But what if we question the premise itself? Why should a woman’s success be a threat to a man? What if we decide to simply dispose of that word–and I don’t know if there is an English word I dislike more than this–emasculation.”

    Also painfully relevant:

    Much love to all of you chumps today, and no love to the slackers that tried to drag you down. ?

    • Love this! I was just in a support group the other day where two of the women talked about how they felt bad because they “emasculated” their exes. One ex is a serial cheater, one ex is a cheater/abuser. I just cringed — given the format it really wasn’t appropriate to argue — but I seriously also want to ban the word “emasculate” from the English language. What a shit-ton of blameshifting that word encapsulates.

    • What bugs me is I can’t think of the female equivalent of emasculation for all the things the cheaters do that disrespect or damage our womanhood. Like cheating on pregnant wives. Imagine the cries of horror and woe if a man was pregnant and his wife cheated!

      • ^ This! The double standards are really quite sickening. My current partner is like…”So you’re telling me that your ex wanted you to be…NOT successful?” It makes no sense to him. Either I will have a partner that cheers me on and shares in my successes gratefully when things go well for me, and who I can gladly cheer for too, or I’ll have no one.

  • I got the entire heres whats wrong with you km speech. So what did i ezpect to happen. Gee i was so fucked up he was the only one who noticed? All the imperfections of mine spewed out were his. Project much. He both loves and hates himself at the same time. But its all my fault. Of course, i will take that and the dogs and the car and the house and the furnishings the fuck on out of here and never bother you again dude ok? OK? he didnt like that at all. Boo hoo motherfucker.

  • Mr. Sparkles said he cheated because I was always PLANNING things for us (as a family and as a couple) and he could never be spontaneous.

    UBT – any idea what the fuck that means?

    I suspect spontaneous to him means last minute three-ways with peeps from AFF or banging the girl with DDD boobs to her knees or being a Bi MWM because it’s Tuesday and he’s feeling spontaneous?

    But he is right… I did go ahead and plan a life. My son and I took vacations, went on playdates, visited family and friends, and still do. I’m still making my way through the divorce, but the house in mine, my son is mine (Dad gets every other weekend and 2 weeknights), my son and I have neighborhood friends and take great vacations. We’ve rebuilt our life. And ironically, it’s filled with spontaneity because I’m no longer living every minute preparing for CHAOS or the next bomb to drop.

    Mr. Sparkles now attends singles meet-ups (BEWARE!) and plays his sad “she wasn’t spontaneous” song for whoever will listen. The OW only gave him 18 months. It’s an exhausting song to listen to after a while, I suppose.

    But, it does kill me sometimes. I thought I did everything right. I worked full-time, cooked dinner every night, got the kids to their activities, planned family vacations and events, did the laundry, sex 2-3 times a week… but gosh darn, I wasn’t spontaneous. Well, paint me pink and call me a party dress. Fucked I am indeed. Nah, I’m good.

    Rock on Chump Nation!

  • “You were always too good for me.”

    “I knew you would be okay without me. Better off even.”

    And my personal favorite, “I’m drawn to these women because they are broken, like me.”

    Broken? I asked him what was so broken about OW #2 that made him feel so drawn to her.

    He said, “Well, she has a lot of self-doubt. She feels unworthy about a lot of things. She’s very critical of herself.”

    Seriously? Well here’s something I’m sure your selfish, immature brain never even considered. Being lied to and betrayed not just once but a second time now, how much self-doubt and lack of worth do you think I feel???

    SHE feels worthless?? She has a fiancée and another man chasing her around telling her that she’s his soul mate and that he can’t possibly imagine his life without her. Trust me, she doesn’t feel worthless. Exactly the opposite of that.

    Tell her to call me and I can explain to her what it’s REALLY like to feel worthless when the man you’ve given every part of yourself to drops you like a bag of rotten garbage for someone whose lack of morals and character are so obvious it’s disturbing.

    • Done4Good, mine said he would be fine without me, as if I was of no consequence. Wish he would have told me that before he started abusing me and cheating on me. Fucker.

      • Oh Peaky, my heart feels crushed for you just reading that!! I’d have said to the bastard “You know, its talk like that which creates the storylines for those ‘I Murdered My Husband’ programmes on the Crime Channel!”. Total and absolute douchebag! You’re well rid! Xx

  • I got this garbage from my deadbeat. I graduated from college in 2015 at the age of 33, with honors too. I desperately wanted to get my degree and worked hard for it. What does the husband do? Whine that I don’t appreciate him enough. I don’t tell him what a wonderful man he is every time he takes out the trash or picks up the beer bottles he left the night before. And why should I? Bitch, you are required to do that. I don’t ask for accolades when I do the things I’m expected to do in life.

    Fast forward to August, Skanky Buns gets caught talking to the lot porter from his workplace on the phone. I instantly know something is up. We fight like hell, he admits he went too far with her, we have a week long wreck of a “redo” then he comes back on the 1st of September telling me, “She needs me, she appreciates me”. This woman has been married 3 times and was married when Skanky Buns started screwing her. I have one child with him so I can’t go total NC. My biggest problem? My son has nonverbal autism. Skanky Buns moved in with the bus driver less than a week after the last blow up. I dislike my son going over there and having that ho play like she’s mommy to him.

    Some people can’t handle the idea that someone might be more successful than themselves. In my case, that was guaranteed since I got a degree. He got kicked out of the Army after 14 years because he couldn’t make rank, drove trucks for a year, and then ended up making far less as a mechanic for a bus touring company near where we live. He couldn’t handle the idea that my life was about to go to another level. I’m resigned to the fact that I won’t be making a lavish living for the next year or two as a new grad trying to move into another career, but I at least have ambition. Could never say that about Skanky Buns. He got the papers yesterday and freaked out because he can’t read them. I studied Political Science, so yea I’m at an advantage here lol.

    • LOL, my daughter with The Evil One is Autistic is severely language/verbal delayed, so I have no idea how she interacts with his OWife Mrs. Dumb-Ass every other weekend.

      She’s 8 and she has major meltdowns on the Fridays of his weekends, and Mondays are rough too.

      She has to go through this why? Oh yeah, now I remember- so daddy could be “alone”, no wait, happy.


      • Mine is 6, and man does he have some meltdowns when he comes back from their home. She has two other kids who are nice enough to him, but it still irritates me. Skanky Buns and the OW fight like Democrats and Republicans. I worry they are doing it in front of my kid.

        • Yeah, my DD isnt allowed to even bring a sandwich baggie of her toys over to their house because “her kids” want to play with her toys and she doesnt want to share.

          Apparently, The Evil One’s persinal cell phome “went flying” a couple weeks ago…hhhhmmmm

  • “I had to cheat on you because you’re too perfect” errrgghh!

    My ex-wife put her own covert-style-blameshifing-twist on this statement as “Rob, you’re a great guy, your dedication to me and the kids means everything to me *but you should also* be with someone that loves you the way you deserve to be loved, in the way I was not able to do for you.” If I remember correctly, I think my response was “huh?” I was speechless at that moment because a short time before, she would tell me, “You are the best husband and the best father in the world, I love you so much and your all mine. I can’t wait to play with you tonight.”

    Years have passed for me so I am not even triggered anymore by sharing this well crafted piece of mindfuckery. I am just laughing at this sheer idiocy. She sounds like a used car saleswoman. I love it when someone tries to sell *me* on what they think *I* need. “No I don’t want the two tone paint and the undercoating you fuck!!”

    • And thanks for “giving” me the “free” floor mats that are already in the trunk of every car on the lot. Were you really going to remove them if I didn’t seem appreciative enough?!

      • Inestimabile Miss Dixie, impagabile! My Italian is so rough Dixie so I hope this sentence came out right and I didn’t tell you to “take out the trash” or something like that, hehe.

        Thank God my 2 high schoolers are taking Italian as I can practice with them. I sure need it!

        • I got the “you deserve so much better than me” line so many times I lost track. Turns out, he was quite right about that. Why oh why didn’t I listen? I am years down the road and very “meh” now, but sometimes a post still speaks to me. Today’s column and your post feel like someone else describing my exact life. Glad you are at “meh” too!

          • Oh how noble your ex thinks he is Jennifer by making a statement like that. Whats next for him? Saving world hunger? They are all used car salespods, the whole pack of em!

            I’m going to find a cheater and sell them some most awesome swamp land that I own if Florida, Idiots!


            • After his one therapist appt, he came home and said – ‘You married the wrong guy’. (after 35 yrs!) Jokes on him. He’s right.

  • I actually think there’s some truth in this particular Cheater excuse. We are in many ways painful reminders of their own inadequacy, which they mask with their grandiose plans, overspending, cheating, and general narcissistic pursuit of kibbles. My guess is that chumps do (at least) 97% of the work in the family while the cheater gets an emotional free ride, even if the cheater is a “good earner.”

    • Agree with you. They know they are inadequate and too lazy or fucked up to improve so they trade down. Water finds its level. At least these ones are aware of it.

    • This is IT.
      Every response here hits a direct nerve. I have nothing to add because you guys have all pointed it out in each and every reply. Cheater Handbook 101.

  • Nope, I got just the opposite. I was such a horrible person according to cheater ex, that he needed to be protected from me. BUT……..schmoopie was a delicate flower that needed him. I didn’t count except he wanted to run HER problems by me so I could help him come up with solutions. I was so gobsmacked over that one I was inarticulate, which is rare for me.

    Funny thing though, after separating, graduating nursing school, passing my state boards, and getting my first nursing job, he was whining that I should be putting him through college…… after putting him through tech school.

    Gee, let me guess……… wife appliance welches on entitled cheating fuckwit husband’s expectations. Cue sad sausage victimization narrative.

    So glad he is history.

  • I totally got this with an outburst of sobbing. Ugh!!! I feel sick thinking about the stupid moron. “I’m scared you’ll see me as not good enough for you”

    Um yes- 100%!!! It’s been 18 months and I couldn’t give a shit about losing the “prize”, I can’t. Relieve how worthless I felt and now it’s laughable.

    And that bad in bed thing? Totally true!! Complete rubbish, I thought good sex was the sacrifice I made for marriage. I remember the day, Years ago when he was almost good, after months of me trying to train him, we were nearly there…. and he was so excited he lasted 2 mins!!! And my happily married self thought “oh well, this sex thing is never going to happen here, never mind, there is more to life”

    Well I don’t miss him at all, in fact that happened very quickly but the hard part has been him being a shitty selfish lazy dad and trying to get money out of me.

    • I had to tell mine… This isn’t high school jerk. It’s about both of us, not just you.

  • Yeah, that nugget of mind fuck was probably the most damaging to me. As she was discarding me like a piece of garbage she said “You have always been a wonderful husband and amazing father and have always admired you for having such a kind heart. But I just can’t imagine myself being married to you for another 20 years.” It was only after that I found out about her screwing around with pretty much every male friend she had (and who were the very people I was being “pathologically paranoid” about in terms in her expression of “affection” toward them). Yes, it turned out that we do wanted different things – I wanted a committed relationship, a stable family life and to live with integrity. She wanted the excitement of being a slut. Unfortunately, that can be difficult to maintain when you have to pretend to act like an adult to your kids.

    • Oh my, my imagination is going wild…..

      A cinder block? – a rope? – a boat? – a very deep lake? – your ex-wife’s neck


    • heard that same bs as well. Now she lives with an unemployed drug addict in the home I worked and paid for. At least the kids are seeing her for the fake whore she is now.

    • CLifeUpsideDown: You are the type of man most women only dream of finding. A man who honours his commitments. A man who enjoys the sacredness of monogamy and intimacy. A man who respects boundaries and craves the love and support of a tight family unit. And what happens? Some narcissistic, strange dick loving whore gets to you first! She might even have come close to completely destroying the goodness in you. And we Lady Chumps are too busy dealing with the sack o’shits life handed us too! What is fair about any of this?! ?
      I’m glad she didn’t succeed in destroying you, or take away your light. I genuinely hope that you meet a nice Lady Chump and live happily ever after, believe me, for a Lady Chump to end up with a man like you after all she’s been through would be like winning the lottery every single day ?

  • In the case of my now ex, I believe there was some of that mindfuckery for sure about “fixing the relationship”, etc.. I take some blame in that regard because I was trying to be such a good supportive SO, putting my morals onto him and trying to “change” him to be faithful. The biggest lesson I learned is that we don’t have to lower ourselves and constantly reach behind us to drag people along in life when they are perfectly fine stuck where they are!

    Grown adult choices belong to that person and there is nothing we can do except accept that they made shitty ones and now we have to react accordingly. I remember feeling bad/disappointed that I had to make the choice to leave, but my hand was forced. I couldn’t sign up for one more minute of mindfuckery and someone trying to have “artificially-created power” over me. I also realized that I had neglected to accept the signs right in front of me. Had I chose to take the blinders off completely, it wouldn’t have been so hard to cope with later on.

    If cheaters or anyone, for that matter, really do want to change, they have to look at themselves and find fault and take responsibility for their part in any particular situation. I’ve learned to do that so that I can continue to grow/change/evolve as a person. I now look for people who are like-minded… never getting stuck and staying there, but becoming wiser and paying it forward… Through my many painful experiences as a Chump, I learned when and who to share that with…

    Most of us here now unfortunately know that there are disordered people/monsters among us who don’t think this way. Lack of empathy for another human being, no shame, not accepting responsibility, gaslighting, lying and selfishness are some of the many common threads among cheaters. Once you see the beginnings of those “wonderful qualities”, it’s time to exit stage left… It took me long enough to understand this. Sheesh…

  • This is why I always had trouble with “Philadelphia Story” – Tracy’s harsh, but blaming her for her husband’s alcoholism is gross.

  • My ex always told me that I was the nicest person he knows. So, you cheat on, gaslight, financially abandon and totally lie to and use the best person you know? He said that even though I was way more educated than him, that I didn’t have any common sense. The irony about him cheating was, in the past few years, I didn’t even know he still had a dick. I thought he was asexual. What it was- was that it was ME he didn’t want to touch. But in all the years when he did want to have sex with me, I kept wondering when it was going to get better. It was like having sex with a wet noodle. He kept inferring it was me, that his girlfriend was a lot better at sex than I was, but then I wasn’t very inspired. Sex with him was meh. But the whole thing really was about his selfishness, what worked for him- and it worked for him to walk away from me, our son, our friends, my family, because I couldn’t buy him a new house in FL like the OW could so he could retire.

  • My husband of 30 years cheated cause hmmm I didn’t go hiking with him ONCE. WTF? We hiked most evenings after work, him 10 feet ahead of me at a fast pace. Oh and in MC session his only complaint he could muster about me is I don’t wear designer clothes and not enough makeup!! What the hell? I was a stay at home soccer mom in Silicon Valley. Guess his OW who he said REALLY loved him wore the fancy stuff! I never wore designer clothes or a lot of makeup cause I didn’t need too! I was out raisiing our children and running the various households he had to have. Plus taking care of him for 30 plus years. Now I’m free of Mr. You didn’t go on one hike with me once in designer clothes and makeup. I can relax with my darling boyfriend who appreciates me when I only wear cherry Chapstick!

    • He needed someone to hold his hand when out hiking at night. Poor baby afraid of the dark. Let the whore’s shiny make up light his way now…

    • X cheated cuz I had to work one Sunday and couldn’t go to breakfast with him. Guess I wasn’t that bad if that all he could come up with

      • The douchebag didn’t like that I left used tea bags in the sink so he chose to abandon our family after years of his serial cheating punctuated with financial ruin

        • The traitor cheated with the whore who didn’t have a bathroom, had 20 cats pissing and shitting all over the house, and doesn’t cook because I didn’t mow the lawn… I want him to be forced to live with her forever!

  • My STBX does both. Sometimes he asks, “why do you think I cheated? Every time I went out drinking, I got yelled at.” 5 minutes later, he would say, “you are to good for me…you married beneath you…I don’t deserve you.” For two years after dday#1, I adjusted my life to be more of what he needed and to try and build him up and lost who I was in the process.

    What did that get me? Cheated on again, walked out on when I was 6 months pregnant after 20 years of marriage, a constant slew of mean and threatening texts, and him trying to hide income after I got a lawyer.

    I now believe him…he doesn’t deserve me. He is beyond disordered and I am soooooo done. I just wish we didn’t have kids together or I would never speak or see him again.

    • GMF- Your story sounds JUST LIKE mine! Except for being pregnant after 20 years of marriage. Agreed – I wish I never had kids with the sperm donor of my 2 kids. Otherwise I would never speak or see him again either. I get that!

  • My ex travelled for work very frequently. I would pack up his bag to help him. I always put in a little something in there to make him feel cherrished. Most often, a chocolate box. He reproched me after D-Day that I was ALWAYS doing the same thing, that he got bored of the chocolate surprise in his suitcase… and of course that fitted his “you’re too perfect and everything is easy for you” narrative. Everything sure as hell did not and still does not come easy to me, but I guess I’m organised so it could look that way. And to think that I actually felt bad about the chocolate, that often I did’nt bother to fine another idea…Unchumping ^1000. brrr. never again!

    • M. Biggest thing I realized about these a-holes is they don’t appreciate. All they do is take, take, take… It’s always all about them. Instead of sweetly telling you he wanted to you surprise him a little, he had to blow you up. Nobody deserves that…

    • Unimaginative little attentions for your husband must be grounds for cheating on the planet they are from.

  • Isn’t it amazing the number of times you read a post and think ‘wow, yes, yes, yes’. Now a few more things slot into place. Funny also that until CL puts what they say through the UBT you ‘know’ what they are saying sounds off somehow but can’t quite put your finger on why.
    My cheater (3 women in four years, oh and just three days ago found out about the dating websites) after 22 years of marriage still maintains that he loves his family, he didn’t want to hurt us, I have always been the best wife and mother, I have carried us all over the years, I could have done so much more and better without him, he has just held me back. AND. I got two emails from two OW’s who told me what a great family man he is, how much he loves us and they hope we can work it out. ?????
    It was just a little bit satisfying to tell them all about each other and suggest (a) they get STD tests and (b) they could fuck off and never contact me again.
    But this double speak messes with your mind. An earlier post had it right about this particular mindfuck being ideally suited to chumps who are by nature compassionate who feel an obligation to love and support the person they have trusted and loved for years. You are SO tempted to feel sorry for them and after they have made you feel like shit after you discover their cheating! It’s somehow odd to hear all of these compliments and good things about yourself but then you realise they are coming from the person who just blew a cannon sized hole right through you.
    I also get the ‘it’s good we can be friends’ line. I get the I’m sorry it is all on me, it’s nothing to do with you or anything you have or haven’t done.
    It’s bloody odd! I have started the divorce. I am trusting that he DOES SUCK. But I have to constantly remind myself.
    Does anyone else have this kind of cheater??

    • YES! And you nailed it with our desire to be compassionate. Plus, it was always beyond my experience and comprehension that someone would really be that manipulative or deceiving. I will never be that naive again.

      And yes, keep reminding yourself that he sucks. I know that I have too, especially when it comes to the kids. I am constantly second guessing myself on whether I am being too harsh with him…should I help fix his relationship with the kids? I then remind myself that he sucks and if he wants it fixed, he will have to do it. I kept it on life support for most of my kids’ lives. No more..time to grow up or disappear.

    • Yes – I made so many excuses because I felt like I was to blame for much of his b.s. That makes it ten times worse when you find yourself feeling like you’re failing them and your family.

      It’s also a special kind of mindfuck that the OW are contacting you. I mean, what the bloody hell is that about?

      • Huh, Capricorn…if more than one OW contacted me, I’d just reply with a group email to them all at once…”y’all better get tested because we’ve all been sharing the same diseased fucktard. Happy days!” Let them know they’re not so speshullll….

        I got emails from my only OW (the rest were callgirls). She crowed about how they had been “together” for a year…in fact she wrote to me on their “anniversary”. I replied, if you two are so happy, then why is he still living with me? Take him, please, AND DON’t send him back! I changed the locks and he never entered my house again,

      • One of the first things I said to skankboy…”We live in Florida…..if she enters MY home, stand your ground is warranted….just saying.”

  • AND. He never hid his married status or his kids from his other women. They all knew and admired him for speaking so highly of us. One said she slept with him as she always wanted to have a strong loving family and this was her way of doing it?? WTF I am not often speechless but I have been there a lot lately.
    I know now it’s all part of the crap these idiots spray at each other to cover their misdeeds but seriously. On what fucking planet dies any of this make any kind of sense.
    Alice in Wonderland is like child’s play compared to this lot. LOL.

    • Exactly…they are now manipulating these other women (or men). Difference is that we (the chumps) weren’t aware of the lies and lack of character where these other people are…and they still get involved. If I had really known his character from the start, I wouldn’t have given him the time of day.

      • I don’t buy the manipulating the AP who knows they are married and goes after your family life. Sorry but that’s even worse than cheating. Really predatory. You should be able to sue these people for damages.

        • Yeah, all of the OW knew about me and in fact the last one knew I was struggling with him leaving and having to deal with his abandoning us and she had no reservations about trying to convince him to divorce me and start a relationship with her.

        • It has messed with my mind quite a lot. It’s a weird dynamic. OW 1 (we call them 1, 2 and three for ease of reference) was totally informed of our family life. As he got bored of her he would ‘feed’ her information about us to keep her feeling in the loop which just made me feel so vulnerable even after she was discovered and shut out. OW 3 was not as curious but just liked to feel ‘part of this strong beautiful family’ that we had built. The obvious fact of him showing his good character by cheating on his family seemed to escape them both.
          But somewhere in me I do realise that this says an awful lot about who they are and nothing at all about who I am.
          I just have to tie myself to a tree somewhere and resist trying to fix these ‘broken’ fuckers. I am a person too too codependent. Trying like mad to fix myself.

          • Yeah he tried to shove down my throat how really great OW #2 was “deep down.”

            You think she’s great? You mean other than the fact that she’s trying to break up a family and is cheating on her own fiancee? Oh, and wants to keep you on the side after she marries the guy? He said, well she is flawed. Flawed? No, paying your bills late all the time is a flaw. Being a fuckwit isn’t a flaw. It’s a personality disorder.

          • After I started the dissolution process, my STBX Let me know that OW2 was the one who convinced him to leave OW1 to give me a second chance.
            1. That he thought I was the one who needed a second chance after he cheated on me is mind boggling
            2. That he was confiding in a then 21 year old college student who worked for him about the details of his marriage and affair is inappropriate (even if it wasn’t sexual at the time)
            3. She got involved with him while he was married knowing he had a family and I was pregnant
            4. She also knows that he had an out of wedlock child with OW1 that he pays child support for but has never met

            The one in the dark was me, the wife. How do these disordered cheats get women to fall for them? It boggles my mind. Now that I have seen behind his mask to who he really is, being anywhere near him makes my skin crawl.

    • OWhore emailed me: “I told him how I found it attractive to see a guy in love with his wife.”

      So attractive, I guess, that she wanted to cut-and-paste herself into my place.

      • I used to feel so much anger and resentment towards these women. Now I understand that they are all wretched, pathetic excuses for human beings, scraping up the leftovers of the relationships of the real women. I don’t compare myself against them anymore. They are just lower on the food chain to me.

  • This kind of thing is indeed closer to what I got. My ex told me that she “didn’t deserve me” and felt more comfortable with a guy whom she praised as being not ambitious, completely estranged from his family, less mature, less intelligent, etc.

    • It’s actually as CL says isn’t it -VERY CUNNING. Somehow they manage to deflect some anger by inducing complete paralysis while you try to figure out what the hell is going on! You are being praised but at the same time completely devastated. What can you say??
      It is really very sneaky and cold. I think he knows how to play me. The more he praises me, almost demeans and blames himself the more uncomfortable I will feel and might feel so sorry for him I start to reach for the spackle……
      I am a kind compassionate person who finds it hard not to help a sad sausage hence the ‘you are too worthy’ mind games

    • She was right….she did NOT deserve you! Let her deal with the consequences of her behavior! Be free and live a cheater free life! HUGS!

  • The day I tossed Disease Deliverer out of the house, I said I deserve so much better and he said “yes, you do.” He also said “you are a wonderful woman!” I said yes, I know. Still get the fuck out!

  • I have learned from recent dating experiences that if a person says “I’m not good enough for you” then believe them! Even if they’re not necessarily a cheater, imagine the level of insecurity it would take for a grown-ass adult to even say that.

    It saves me so much heartache…if a casual date even mutters such a thing, that’s it, I politely finish the evening, pay my own way, and never contact them again.

  • My exh told me “I had a beautiful wife, but I couldn’t touch her.” To justify cheating on me. He said having a beautiful wife was intimidating to him. I do believe there was a ring of truth to that. We were not eaqually yoked in the looks department and it was obvious. But I never put him down or made a big deal about looks. He resented me going to the gym or caring for my physical appearance in any way. He wanted someone on his arm to make him look good, but he wanted to play with bimbos on the side. clearly, he found someone who wasn’t too discerning or so beautiful he found it immasculating

    • I forgot to add- he tried to get me to have sex with someone else and let him watch so we could call it even. Sick bastard.

  • Haaahaaaa, I only got through half. Chump Lady you are killing me! I just had a really rough day, so thank you!
    Have a good night.

  • This is a great column….and it is my life. He has been fucking hookers (oh, high end escorts from Craigslist, excuse me!) for YEARS and there is always an excuse. Six years ago, it was a mid life crisis, a year later, boredom. Another year later, his anger and stress led him to do it as a coping mechanism. That excuse lasted a while. Last year….it was his wanting to “give up” because he had nothing to live for (because he had consequences and was kicked out of the house due to his abusive treatment of our three girls and I – with a protection order). A few weeks ago, he went to Vegas and saw 4 hookers and now it is because FINALLY, alas…he knows what is wrong….he has a personality disorder (that he knew about a year ago and rejected) and THAT is what caused him to stumble into the candy store of random hooker vaginas a few weeks ago. Now? Now he expects me to support, love, trust and give him a chance….because he is such a sad sausage who loves his family so much, and geez, haven’t I noticed how hard he is trying? He is reading websites about cluster B personality disordes while he craps every morning. He is literally wiping crumbs from the counter (a new thing for him) and he does in fact want me to NOTICE how great he is, and how great our life can be if I would just. choose. happiness. and love.

      • Exactely this would be my question. Is it not a complicity in untangling the skein of fuckupedness?

    • What you need to ‘choose’ is a full panel of STD screenings, and the nearest pitbull lawyer. This man doesn’t give a single morning shit about your happiness. Run fast, run far!!

  • XH said he wanted a divorce in 2004, one year after we married. He was Mormon and I am an evangelical Christian, and he said I was “perfect,” but our faiths were just too different. He didn’t want to do therapy or counseling, he just wanted to go. I pretty much offered to join the Mormon church, to which he said, “Well, you have fun with that, but in the meantime I’m still divorcing you.”

    I was shocked. If I was “perfect” and his desire for divorce was solely due to the tragedy of our different faiths, why didn’t my offer to change faiths fix things?

    Of course, he was cheating. He had blamed the divorce on our different faiths because he thought it was the one thing I would never give up, and when I did offer to give that up, he had nowhere to go but aggressive blameshifting and gaslighting. His story rapidly changed and I went from “perfect” to such a terrible person that he needed to just divorce me fast and no, I didn’t deserve any second chances or therapy.

    Unfortunately, I was the chumpiest of chumps, so I fought and dragged out the divorce until the OW dumped him and we reconciled. I found out about the cheating 10 years later, after I divorced him for good due to cheating (my college roommates told me about the earlier cheating, they had seen him with other women).

    For a cheater to tell you that you’re “perfect” really is a mindfuck.

    • I’m Mormon.

      This whole thing has made me so mad that I can’t stop swearing.

      He wasn’t Mormon. He was a total fucking idiot.

      Mormons give a crap about their families.

      Different faiths my ass.

      As in you had faith, he had bullshit excuses.

      • Interesting my exes AP is Mormon also. I even considered her a friend. She gave no thought to imploding her family as well as mine. Is it the polygamy thing or did I miss something in the translation?

        • The church hasn’t been polygamous for over 100 years.

          Our families are really not supposed to be polygamous. That WILL get you excommunicated. I’ve been asked if my husband is a cheat because “Mormons are polygamous anyway.” EVEN IF the church was still polygamous, he wasn’t MARRIED to any of them and that would be “worse.”

          Fringe groups that exist outside the church still lay claim to polygamy though. Any lay claim to being Mormon. Some don’t even use the Book of Mormon anymore. I don’t get it at all, frankly.

          • Ya I dont think that excommunication would bother her. Apparently she hasnt attended church since I left so shes his legit girlfriend because they didn’t get together physically until the second I left, dontcha know. so its my fault for leaving the fucked up triangle.

      • Alexandra, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m not Mormon but I went to BYU (where the cheating happened) and have always had a close relationship with Mormons. You sound like my kind of Mormon. You also sound like shit has hit the fan pretty recently for you.

        My XH also cheated on me and abandoned me when I was pregnant. And I hadn’t worked in 7 years so I could stay home and take care of our older disabled child, and we were pretty damn poor.

        Please feel free to connect with me (Facebook, Twitter, whatever). Real name at my blog here:

  • 99% of the time I got the expected “I wasnt happy because you suck (and he is a laundry list of your faults)” blameshifting.

    but he had his creative moments

    One time he looked like he was having a moment of honesty, he told me that he endlessly felt intimidated by my competence at a wide range of skills.


    he came up with the most interesting combo Jesus Cheater/You are too perfect excuse one day…

    “You and the kid are such good Catholics that I can set you on the alter as my gift to the Church and go try to convert OW”.

    • They are sick. So very sick. Mine, when confronted about never attending confession and distributing communion every week while cheating with prostitutes, said “You’ve only been a Catholic for 5 years (I converted)of course you don’t have unconfessed sins!” As if somehow if you were born Catholic that completely erased your responsibility and conscience. Unbelievable. I asked him how I was supposed to believe he felt bad about it “all along” when I never saw him sitting in line for confession? If you knew it was wrong and did feel guilty wouldn’t you confess. He just stared at me like “quite baffling me with morals and logic.”

    • Sometimes the awfulness of the crap they come up with is funny, at least if you are not the target. Sorry he did this to you.

  • This was me “so perfect” he had to cheat! I feel so fucking special WOW, now that is showing real wuv!

    ‘Jesus cheater’ too. That was perfect too, forgiveness and everyone needs that, after all we ALL make MISTAKES and need our pat on the head.

    What was perfect, was the place I created in his sick world to HIDE. Yes, for a cheater to say “you were perfect” is total mindfuck.

  • Well, I can always tell myself that I am too perfect for him anyway. Don’t need that fuckwit to tell me.

  • When they found out some friends and even some of his family told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and that he didn’t deserve me.
    I bet a lot of chumps have heard that too. Who needs the cheaters opinions?

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