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Anthony Weiner Does Sex Rehab

Need a break from your perverted double life? Where do you go when you’ve been caught sexting 15-year-0lds? Has your email cache threatened the free world? Try summer camp!

Yes, nothing cures “sex addiction” like a ranch retreat!

As reported in the New York Post, disgraced politician, New York City mayoral flop, and all-around creepy dude Anthony Weiner is getting help for his pervy proclivities at the “Recovery Ranch” in Nunnelly, Tennessee.

Among the therapeutic treatments for “sex addicts” is equine therapy. I’m imaging the other ones — sex positive lanyard weaving, toxic shame sing-a-longs, canoeing with pedophiles… (feel free to add your own in the comments).

The Post reports:

The center’s equine therapy “involves caring and interacting with horses in ways that provide valuable lessons in accountability and in how we relate to others,’’ the site says.

Interacting with horses for accountability? How does that work?

Anthony: Do I look sexy in this riding helmet?

TRIGGER: Neigh!

Anthony: I was thinking about sexting that hot middle-schooler. Whaddya think?

TRIGGER: (Stomps hoof and snorts.)

Anthony: I like how you don’t judge me, Trigger.

TRIGGER: Pfffttthhhbbblerbuh!

So how did Anthony Weiner wind up at the Recovery Ranch anyway? (Aside from the fact that the only known cure for fictitious sex addiction appears to be exorbitantly expensive ranch retreats?) Well, in a total coincidence, Weiner’s now therapist, Robert Weiss,  wrote a super understanding post at HuffPo last September — Does Anyone Out There Feel Sorry for Anthony Weiner?

(Weiss actually raises his hand — I do! I do!)

He writes about Weiner:

This means that he is someone whose entire life and sense of self have become wrapped up in finding sexual and romantic validation at any cost — even to the detriment of everything he likely holds dear. And he doesn’t seem to be able to stop himself. Thus, I can’t help but feel empathy for his self-created losses.

I don’t know. Weiner seems to have mustered enough self control to run for mayor of New York City. I mean, he wasn’t flinging his dick around during televised debates. Funny how this “unable to stop himself” thing is only a part-time disability.

“Is he a sex addict? I mean everything about him seems to tell that story.” Not having assessed Mr. Weiner, that is a question I cannot accurately answer. However, I can definitively say that Mr. Weiner’s over-the-top sexual behavior, brazenly and repeatedly acted out over the past several years, appears to be a tragic textbook example of sexual addiction, either poorly treated or not treated at all. So whether Mr. Weiner is a pure narcissist or a profoundly emotionally wounded sex addict, I can say that the way his story has played out in front of us all is very clearly the face of sex addiction as I know it.

Ooh! I know the answer! Profoundly emotionally wounded sex addict! “Narcissist” is such a judge-y word. So demonizingNot much hope for those Cluster Bs. But sex addicts? They respond to $35,000 three-week ranch retreats!

Interesting tidbit, Weiss studied with Patrick Carnes, head quack of the sex addiction movement — those lovely people who think spouses need to share responsibility for their partner’s “addiction.” A nice fuck off letter to Carnes about that can be read here.

Well, meanwhile, Anthony Weiner seeks the cure. I wonder how long he’ll be out in those woods? Good luck with that.

Photo credit: New York Post

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  • For those unfamiliar with the 1973 play ‘Equus’: in the pivotal scene, a young man attempting to have sex with a woman in a stable cannot get an erection due to the presence of horses.

    Life imitating art? You decide.

    (Spoiler alert: the facility should hide any sharp metal objects that may be lying around.)

    • I saw the play with Daniel Radcliffe. Doesn’t he then climb on top of a horse and ejaculate? Weiner’s next scandal … !

  • Another reason to worry about the rise in technonlogy. Without a phone he would be one of those dirty old men in a mac wandering around parks for someone to flash at. At least then we could throw him in jail for gross indecency.

    My heart goes out to the horses.

    • Unbelievable that a camp or “retreat” exists for entitled perverts. Not only does it exist but remains in business despite the cost of $ 35,000.00.
      These people deserve to be in jail or perhaps performing hard labor, instead of riding horses, being pampered, roasting wienies and attending camp sing-a-longs.
      Poor misguided souls. Time for a song
      Who took a cookie from the cookie jar….,

      Who me?
      Couldn’t be..

  • I have to say though I found the documentary about him absolutely riveting. Like the one on Lance Armstrong. Classic films to demonstrate the ability of a psychopath to appear normal, sincere and charming. I made all my kids watch both as a lesson in being aware. Actions not words.
    I also watched my STBX watch the Wiener documentary. Not a flicker of self recognition. Just agreed he was an awful guy.
    Just blows a poor chumps mind.

    • Capricorn, where are these documentaries and what are they called? I too would like to teach my kids about actions not words. I fell for the words for years, but failed to notice the actions.

    • Someone needs to make a running loop of Huma’s facial expressions from the Weiner documentary.
      Disgust/agony/hatred and longing all rolled into one.

    • Hi- they showed the documentary last night over here in the UK. Available on iPlayer for UK chumps- if you have a licence!
      http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0828kwn

      It is very much a Chump masterclass- as in how we fall down the rabbit hole. I had to keep reminding myself that Huma is a senior political staffer working for Hillary Clinton but she just keep’s taking the crap from Weiner.

      I could really relate to her whole rescuing mission for somebody who – for whatever reason – cannot/will not change. (Horribly) it made me feel OK about succumbing to the same shit. But I wished I could’ve reached into the TV and pull her away from him- about 10 mins into the film!

      • This >> “I had to keep reminding myself that Huma is a senior political staffer working for Hillary Clinton but she just keep’s taking the crap from Weiner.”

        Yeah, Huma is a very intelligent and educated woman, but she’s a chump like the rest of us. And it helps me to give myself a break and forgive myself for putting up with all the lying and cheating over the years.

        And the first time Weiner got caught (this was pre D-Day for me), I once again was like “Woman! Why are you standing by your man on TV?!” And now I look at myself, and I’m like, “Martha! WTF did you put-up with a man who lied, cheated and treated you like you didn’t matter?!” Probably for the some of same reasons Huma did.

        I’m looking forward to watching the two documentaries mentioned. Thanks for the recommendations. 🙂

    • this is so familiar….husband acting shocked when a guy on tv show is abusive , striking wife….does he actually not see himself? Or is it only a dodge, a play at covering up for what he does?!

    • Capricorn, Narcissists can see it in others but not themselves. My kids’ therapist sent home questionnaires for both me and STBX to fill out. One of the questions was “Does your child have the same moral values as you?” STBX answered “Agreed”. Really? Walked out on pregnant wife, committed adultery, trying to hide his income, gets drunk and drives often, etc.

      My 14 year old just laughed.

      • they are special, there is a good reason why they cheat, but anyone else? those people are bad. It goes back to the social construct. We can’t navigate our world if everyone lies, the assholes know this and expect utter honesty from others, but again, they are special and get to lie. rules do not apply

        • So true! 10 years before our separation, my ex was disgusted with his senior colleagues who cheated on their wives, and rejoiced when one chump divorced her sleazy surgeon and got 80% of all assets. But when it was our turn, I was Public Enemy No 1 who drove him to seek solace in OW’s arms.

  • Other camp activities?
    Pottery with Peeping Toms
    Charades with Sheep Lovers
    Horseshoes with Whoremongers
    Marco Polo with Molesters
    Smores with Snuff Film Fans

    This is beyond hopium. It’s pure fiction.

    • The reason it makes me so angry is that it is more than hopium or fiction. Like the referenced article says all this ‘sex addiction’ stuff re-victimises or further victimises chumps who are not yet CL aware.
      The RIC or these ‘experts’ Imagining we will swallow yet more lies, be fooled by more smoke and mirrors and if we call them on it then we are bitter or angry or just plain stupid. So many layers of narc and narc enablers to get through to clear blue skies of freedom from infidelity and its aftermath.
      No wonder we have to be mighty.

        • Why thank you Finding Bliss. I have to confess to name envy – Finding Bliss is lovely. I really enjoy the creativity with names here. I went with Capricorn because I really show all the traits associated with the sign even though I know it’s hardly science. Also I found this saying;

          “YOU THINK KARMA IS A BITCH? WAIT UNTIL YOU PISS OFF A CAPRICORN.”

          Keeps me warm at night!

    • Therapeutic equine therapy for sex addicts are good and all, but some of the activities just aren’t meeting Weiner’s needs. He found himself dozing off during the ‘Sex Positive Lanyard Weaving’ and his mind wandered through the entire ‘Toxic Shame Sing-a-long’. So he glanced at the program and decided that tomorrow he’d try ‘Deviant Square Dancing’ and go balls deep on the ‘Spelunking and Deep Cave Exploration for Degenerates’. Bless his heart, he’s trying!

    • Seriously, ANC.

      You know how we’ve been advised to try and break a bad habit by putting a rubber band around your wrist and snapping it every time you reach for that doughnut, cigarette, or whatever? Could save a LOT of money with a few well placed ones. Or maybe one of those remote control dog training collars, suitably modified?

      Gawd. Tell me who I have to kill to wind up at a spa in Napa for a couple weeks.

      • GM that’s genius…so simple yet so potentially effective. Another effective idea…a shock collar to stop the impulses for the entitled douche bags.

        It could be installed on all their technology to eliminate sexting, e-mailing or calling anyone other than spouse/committed significant other.

        The short jolts of pain they would feel could not begin to compare to the deep, long lasting pain they inflict and path of deceit and destruction they leave. Think of it as a contribution to society.

        Another effective idea…virtual reality glasses (or retinal implants?) could project images of loyal, loving spouse and children into the deviant’s mind via eyes so as to help them see more clearly and manage their genital impulses.

        Instead of virtual reality it could simply be called reality. They could all use an overdose of that.

  • K. I love horses. Let me get this straight. Now I can: have my cake and eat it. Expose my “loved one” to STDs and humiliation and pain and suffering. Spend money on a secret life… and my punishment/cure/reward is horses.

    Also: what exactly is the cause of all this addiction? With drug use or other real addictions it’s usually triggered by severe trauma somewhere in someones life: family issues, loss, abuse, neglect. From what I have seen in my situation and others…. so far I have: entitlsment. They are really really really butthurt and wounded because they have been afforded… nearly everything. So they keep taking. And now they also go riding. FML. Maybe I need to go fuck some randoms and I can go on a safari or soemething.

    • “Maybe I need to go fuck some randoms and I can go on a safari or something.”

      hahahahah, CreativeRational!!! That will keep me chuckling all day.

    • Turns out, we have been going about this whole life choices/adulting thing the wrong way and I have say I am completely pissed about that.

    • “Maybe I need to go fuck some randoms and I can go on a safari or something.”…..Hahahahahahaha, I can’t stop laughing!!

    • LOL!! And here I have been quite honestly saving up for a horse in retirement the old fashioned way! And now I have to be sure to say “I love horses … but not literally!!”

  • Well, if Weiner can be labeled a “sex addict”. Then my ex is an “adoration, attention-seeking, entitlement, life-is-all-about-me, porn/stripper, ‘you’re not the boss of me(!)’ sex addict.

    You’re right, ” “Narcissist” is such a judge-y word. So demonizing. Not much hope for those Cluster Bs.” But there’s “treatment” for addicts. My ex is probably in “treatment” with a ho-worker. Those ho-workers always seem to make him “all better.”

    • There is no shortage of ho-workers out there for sure. “I didn’t have to go far to find someone willing” was what he eventually told me.

      Two were ho-workers, one in his law classes and final one (that I cared to learn about) was an old high school friend that kept buzzing around our entire marriage like an annoying gnat looking for an entry point which she found when our relationship was at its most vulnerable.

      Maybe there’s a horse ranch out there for these AP rags because they certainly have their own set up fucked rules when it comes to decoding right and wrong.

      • Oh, yes. After being with my ex-Narc for about 25 years, I have found there is a never-ending supply of women who have no problem going out with, dating, flirting and having an affair with a married man.

        I think the AP’s “treatment” should be community service at a woman’s shelter that specializes in treatment of PTSD caused by infedelity and mind-fucking by cheater/narcissists.

        • The Recovery Ranch also treats women, segregated from the men of course, and it looks like the perfect place to send howorkers/ affair partners. I always knew those bitches were fucked up. But seriously, go to the website and read the description for Women’s Sex and Intimacy Issues treatment. It reads like a check list for skaggy whores fucking with married men. Made me laugh.

        • Or maybe, as they are impervious to the feelings of others – we could send them on a quest – to find their way back to humanity by dropping them in some humongous desert somewhere with nothing but their good deeds to accompany them……
          Or maybe we could let them swim with sharks, their kinfolk…
          Or maybe give them a lifetime grant to go off and study dung beetles – they must know a lot about them already having slept with them so much….

          • I love each and every one of these ideas! I would add (for the really hardcore ho-workers, you know, the ones that go from married AP to married AP like they’re water) that they be given the choice of any of your suggestions or the assignment of becomin sex trade surrogates. Send them to one of the wonderful organizations out there who are finding sex slave/trade victims and buying their freedom. They can trade the ho-workers for the victims. It saves innocents from horrible situations and the ho’s get to contribute to the well being of the world by keeping some of the disordered freaks of the world busy. Win – Win!

  • Ah, the old “addicted to sex” BS.

    While my ex-wife was cheating, she claimed some sort of “instability,” whether emotional or mental. She claimed that she was “suffering more than you know,” but of course didn’t provide any specifics as to exactly what that meant.

    Turns out it meant that it’s mentally and emotionally taxing to keep track of a mess of lies, to remember who she told what, and when. Propping up a house of cards requires constant vigilance. Er…suffering.

    To my shame, I did buy into this myth. After I left her and filed for divorce, I even went so far as to ask my aunt for a copy of the DSM for Mental Disorders…still believing after the fact that I could untangle that skein.

    It was my lurking here and reading CL and Chump Nation, however, that set me straight.

    Fact is, I had already chosen to divorce her, so it didn’t matter whether her mistreatment of me was due to some undefined “instability” or not. That was enough for me to know at the time.

    And looking back, I can now see what total bullshit all of that was. It was my wife’s impression management: she believes that it was better to claim unspecified mental disorder than to take responsibility for her actions.

    My wife’s excuse-making trivialized the suffering of people with actual mental disorders, and who go through each day doing the best they can to manage their conditions. Just add that to the litany of reasons that she sucks at life.

    • JC,

      These cheaters are so similar… My X told me he felt like the worst of earth’s creatures while he was cheating on me… After I found proof of his adultery.

      He also tried to convince me that he had never been monogamous in his mind, so it was not really cheating, he could compartmentalize in ways I could not, as a woman, understand.

      It turns out his real problem is that he cannot tolerate when people see his true nature, a grandiose failure of a human being who used lying as his primary problem solving strategy in his marriage. Cheaters suck, and there is no point in trying to untangle those skeins…

  • “The center’s equine therapy “involves caring and interacting with horses in ways that provide valuable lessons in accountability and in how we relate to others,’’ ”

    Because having a wife and child and just generally being a grown-ass man didn’t do that???

  • My heart goes out to Huma Abedin – and her decision to stand by Winer through the first few discovery days.
    I hope she is getting treatment for her diagnosis – excessive HOPIUM.

      • that fits, too. He was recently whining about how he has all this political acumen but no one will hire him on TV or radio. waaa waaa waaa. Probably because they’re scared he’ll expose himself to the interns.

        • Weiner is a winer. LOL. And he shouldn’t be allowed near the media, or politics, or the general population really.

            • Yes for those who like anagrams…

              Weiner is a WIENER
              I feel NEW-IRE when i hear him called a sex addict
              I-RENEW my disgust for the RIC when they posit excuses

              And this whole topic givess me an INER-EW just to think about it

              • We’ve had a jingle and an anagram. Here’s a nursery rhyme:

                Anthony Weiner sat on a wall.
                Anthony Weiner had a great fall.
                All Weiss’s horses and all Weiss’s men
                Couldn’t put Weiner together again!

        • Yeah… Weiner has political acumen… and Charles Manson has charisma. Wouldn’t hire either of them to cut my grass.

  • OMG! My ex went to a recovery place (not the Weiner one) during our marriage for help with his “intimacy issues”. Guess which Chump paid for it. He did horse therapy. I have to break it to you that it did not work. He actually tried to hook up later with a girl he met in therapy. I found an email from her. he assured me he was just lending a helping ear. Is ear a nickname for a part of the male anatomy?

    It’s to about trauma or low self-esteem. Quite the opposite. Its pure and simple entitlement. Me, me, me. And no amount of neigh, neigh, neigh is going to cure it.

    Honestly, i think therapy made my ex worse by convincing him that he was a wounded soul who wasn’t accountable for his actions.

    • You know, I feel awful for children who are abused. But NOT EVERY ABUSED CHILD goes on themselves to abuse.

      No child should be abandoned or feel a lack of love or caring from their parents or caregivers. But NOT EVERY CHILD goes on to cheat on their spouse, sleep around, SEND SEXTS TO TEENAGERS WHILE THEIR OWN CHILD SLEEPS NEXT TO THEM.

  • This guy makes me want to straight up vomit in my cereal. He’s so gross. I feel for Huma and hopefully she is getting help. There’s no 12 steps to leave a loser like Weiner; there’s one – divorce. As for his sad soul who gives a shit?

  • This has got to be the worst pretense of recovery holy crap. He should be sinking deeper into despondency so he can break his values completely down, then rebuild himself back up with the help of some non-quack professionals and a renewed sense of purpose. But the thing is, he probably doesn’t even genuinely possess a sense of regret or shame! (Unless, of course, it’s for being caught and the consequences to HIM that followed.) This forest vacation is his way of “showing” regret. “See? I went away to set myself right! Snake oil cured my demons! Y’all can trust me again.” IT’S ALL SO QUINTESSENTIALLY CHEATER-Y! I guess I feel good knowing I can spot this sh*t from a mile away now. Thanks CL and CN. <3

    • The “dear” wife he abused and embarrassed is on the verge of the biggest day of her professional life and this disgusting pig allows himself to be photographed and published. I’m sure Wei$$ and Carne$ find his antics admirable just as they do of their own.

  • What I want to know is, where is this fabulous restorative ranch for people like us who get mind-fucked for years and have symptoms of PTSD from all of the emotional and verbal abuse? I can’t even accept a compliment from a man anymore without thinking he must have insidious intentions and can’t possibly just be a nice guy. That’s not how I want to be, but I find myself suspicious of anything that is the opposite of what I grew accustomed to.

    I didn’t get to spend weeks of spa-like treatment at some horse resort after being financially and emotionally leveled to try to rebuild myself and become a functional human being again. I had to do that laborious exercise while still in the trenches of home maintenance, 24-hour child care, work responsibilities and grad school.

    In the old days, doctors attempted lobotomies as a cure for mental and social disease. That method back then is about as sound and reasonable as trying to teach a fuckwit about accountability with horses today. It’s all still just the medical professionals trying to find a cure for something that has no cure. It’s trying to reason with a bowl of pudding which has the same amount empathy and ability to self-reflect. Some people are beyond help and reason. There is no cure for unrepentant cheaters but as human beings we find that concept very difficult to accept. Maybe we should focus on the victims’ rehabilitation instead of finding blame with the fact they too drank the Kool-Aid but at some point realized they had committed themselves to a mirage.

    I read the fuck off letter that CL refers to in her post. My take away from that was, “Someone who acts out against the partnership and family is raping the principles of said partnership.” Here’s the difference between the disordered and the rest of us. We want to be honest, productive members of society. They could give a fig about anything that doesn’t pertain to their own needs and wants. So why do we insist on focusing on this segment of society?

    • Yes! That’s what we need–a Chump ranch to recover from years of toxicity married to fuckwits. Hmm…where is real estate still reasonably priced?

    • OMG D4.

      It’s like trying to reason with a bowl of pudding!!!!

      That is the funniest thing. I will only ever look at my STBX and see a bowl of pudding where his face should be from now on.

      Perfect.

    • Done4Good,
      Thank you for speaking for multitudes of chumps! For months I wished that I could take a break from my 70-hour-per-week job to treat that nervous twitch, just one of a few symptoms of PTSD, I developed over years of abuse at hands of ‘sex addict’ STBX. Bet a lot of other chumps and others who are truly down and out feel the same.

    • I know this is focused on just one tiny part of Done4good’s post, but it caught my eye….. cheater and lobotomy in the same sentence.

      Hey, I like it!

    • Author Sandra L. Brown hosts a retreat at her home in the mountains of North Carolina for survivors of narcissistic and psychopathic abuse. I’m hoping to attend next year. More info at SafeRelationshipsMagazine.com

  • I really hate that there are people out there who help excuse bad behavior and tell entitled people that they have no control over their urges. Most psychiatric professionals agree that to have a true addiction there must be a substance that is missing. With Meth, the drug shuts down the brains ability to create dopamine and the only way the addict can feel good is to take Meth into their bodies because the brain no longer creates dopamine.

    Sex addiction, IMO, is just the “addict’s” refusal to tell themselves no. It’s a mark of immaturity, entitlement and self-absorption. It is not an uncontrollable impulse – it’s an impulse not controlled.

    Can serial killers claim they have a Murder Addiction? Many have said they have an uncontrollable impulse to kill. Where is their Recovery Ranch? Most have had hideous childhoods, but with them there is no excuse. The same should be said for so called Sex Addicts.

    • OMG – I just pictured the Charles Manson Recovery Resort for the Mentally Insane and it was truly terrifying.

    • THIS: “Sex addiction, IMO, is just the “addict’s” refusal to tell themselves no. It’s a mark of immaturity, entitlement and self-absorption. It is not an uncontrollable impulse – it’s an impulse not controlled.”

      • Beth agreed and well said. I am waiting for Mainstream and or Hollywood to start throwing out the narrative….”And then there is those monogamous addicts, can you imagine living like that all your life, uh.”

  • His wife or hopefully STBXW should be at a camp, not him. The only reason he should be at a horse camp is to shovel the knee deep shit out of the barn! Why does the world tolerate BS from clowns like this? The only press he should be getting is a beware sign or a wanted poster!

  • Sometimes I still slip into feeling sorry for my STBX and wonder if he can be helped. Maybe something horrible did happen in his childhood that damaged him and therapy could fix it. Then I remember that he was in a relationship for over 20 years with a woman who was loyal, trustworthy, faithful, a willing sexual partner, his best friend and not abusive and yet every day he still made a choice to secretly act out. Any one of those 7,600 days he could’ve said to himself “Hey, I’ve got a good thing here that I don’t want to mess up”. He could’ve stopped what he was doing or gotten help for himself as he certainly had the means to do that. But he didn’t. He enjoyed what he was doing and every one of those days he made a choice to keep doing it. If over twenty years of love, loyalty and trust can’t help him then he doesn’t want to be helped. The only person I should have empathy for is myself for being so cruelly deceived.

    • You said it well, Disillusioned. If all our love, support, and understanding didn’t help, how does a “sex-addiction therapist” intend to make a difference in one or two weeks? Oh, that’s right. They get paid whether the client gets better or not. And they make mega bucks doing it.

    • From Nicki Minaj song:

      Do you ever think of me, when you lie?
      Lie down in your bed, your bed of lies

      NOPE — THEY NEVER DO……………………………….

    • “It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop… ever, until you are dead!” – Kyle Reese, in the movie The Terminator, talking about an emotionless killing machine disguised as a human being.

      Thank you Hollywood for the world’s best description of an entitled, non-repentant cheater.

  • I’m sorry, when did Creepy Fucking Perverts become labeled as Sex Addicts? When all they are is creepy fucking perverts.

    This shit has been around since the beginning of time. It used to be dealt with properly, ie, jail, ostracization ( is that even a word), divorce, and disgust. Now, these creeps are celebrated (by many).

    My advice to anyone married to any type of addict is GET OUT. You will save yourself and they will stand a better chance of improvement on their own. Probably won’t happen, but still works better than when they have a spouse to fall back on.

  • My neighbor runs rehabs in Florida. He just bought himself a new Porsche and a new Maserati and is building a million dollar home in another town. Apparently, the repeat business in rehabs is quite profitable.

    Please don’t misunderstand, I do believe people can learn abstinence from addictions. I’m just not interested in betting my future (or my son’s future) on it.

    (And, I was the daughter of an alcoholic who finally got his sobriety at the age of 50… I was 16… ACOA damage done.)

  • Here’s what I don’t see in Weiss’s article and I wonder if any of these sex-addiction therapists cover it in their models: these people don’t lie only about their sexual behaviors. They lie about everything. How many times have we seen that in CN stories? I’ve recently learned that, among their other non-sex-related lies, both Cheese Fries and my Jesus Cheater Dad each have been lying for years about one of the core stories they tell people about themselves, stories that illustrate who they are (or who they want people to believe they are). Absolute lies, repeated hundreds or thousands of times. When you have someone lying about everything in their life, whenever it’s convenient, how on earth is that “sex addiction” that can be cured through addressing their “sexual acting out”?

    After the final D-Day, my own therapist did call Cheese Fries’s behavior “compulsive” but she warned me that people like him rarely stop and only if they themselves are extremely motivated to change. “Look at Tiger Woods,” she said.

    I saw flashes of insight from Cheese Fries during our two wreckonciliations. He talked about how he needed to fix himself. What he said to me, when ending our relationship definitively, was that he needs the validation of other women too much to ever not cheat on me. Shortly after that, his online dating profile went back up and he began pretending he’d never said any such thing and that our marriage failed because “we’re just two very different people.” The way he self-medicates with multiple women does remind me of an alcoholic on a bender. Is it an addiction? Is he just an asshole? It doesn’t matter anymore for me, except I wonder about how to make sure my sons don’t grow up to be like their father.

    • Early on I asked my counselor how people can live double lives – as in fuck the OW and then go have dinner around the table with wife of 30 years and 3 kids as if nothing is happening – and she said “We really don’t know – they never come in for therapy.” Still makes me laugh.

    • “self-medicate with multiple women” — wow, never heard it put that way before!

      My ex is not an addict. Either is Weiner. They are men/children who want what they want and nothing is going to stop them from getting the ego or penis stroked.

  • Let me clarify, I don’t believe in Sex Addiction, but I’m referring to addictions to substances that involve physical things, like drugs and alcohol.

  • Did anyone read Ross Rosenburgs’ response to Stephanie Carnes? In it he says,

    “But let me be very clear, although the partner of the sex addict is never responsible for the sexual acting out, they willingly participate in a relationships that is marred by all sorts of open and hidden dysfunction. Hidden dysfunction is best understood by what is secret or what cannot be discovered. It can also be hidden by the partner’s denial system, an unconscious process, that is beyond one’s awareness.”

    So many things wrong with this statement. But overwhelmingly, how can I be a willing participant to something I’m not aware of? Seems like a bit of victim-blaming rationale to me.

    • It is victim blaming, and ignores the fact that Cluster Bs can be excellent at deception. Sure, I was in denial that my husband was a pathological liar, predatory, sex-obsessed sleazebag, because he didn’t appear to be a pathological lying sack of horse dung.

  • Love the Open Letter. I never thought about it as a power play exclusively (like rape) but it really is. The affairs, the cheating, the lying are all about power. Not sure why I didn’t think about it in such simple terms but glad I read that.

  • I’m guessing his horse is named Trigger. And hope good ole Trigger stopped along the side of the path to munch on lupines to his heart’s content and then left a nice fragrant pile right at the foot of Weiner’s cot back at the “glamp” site.

  • I read this as ” you knew something was off about the relationship but chose to ignore the signs”. Hence you are complicit in the general denial about what was really going on.

    I can see that now- with the benefit of hindsight. At the time, I never would have guessed the scale of his duplicity.

  • I am not a medical professional, and I don’t have any advanced degrees in how the human mind works, or works incorrectly. All I have is a lifetime of experiences with dysfunctional people. The thing that strikes me, in particular, from the open letter to Mr Carnes is one phrase, “even though its evolution at a time when nothing else was available did have merit.” In my case, that sums up the work-in- progress attitude I have had since I was very young. I did not have words to describe what was wrong in my family of origin — I just had a very strong sense that something was not right. This “sense” leads me to believe that we are all born with a sense of right or wrong, fair, or unfair, located somewhere in our thinking ability. Early childhood experience must have some influence on our actions and thought patterns. Some unfortunate people may be damaged beyond redemption from an early age. We have a hard time defining mental problems, we see the results of the problems in the actions of the one who has them — but tracking those problems by observation takes time, and we cannot know that someone is broken on the inside by merely looking at their outside. Some very damaged people become adept at hiding their dysfunction, and that is one of the reasons Chumps have a hard time. As much as I would like to blame the Cluster B’s who have caused me issues since early childhood, I cannot blame them entirely for the situations I found myself in. I had to learn how to protect myself, and that took time, and sometimes I learned from sources I found useful “when nothing else was available.”

    I read a book by Mr Carnes about the development of sexual addiction which I found helpful at the time. It helped me to understand how thought patterns and behaviors developed over a period of time with a combination of influences, including porn, internet access, and dysfunction behavior in families of origin. I found some of these things very interesting — because the particular problems being described were DIFFERENT from the problems I had in my FOO — and I could not fathom how anyone could possibly benefit from thinking in that manner. Again, I knew there was something “wrong” — but I did not have the words to define it. I am not saying that Mr. Carnes had all of the answers, and frankly I never really bought into sex addiction as a legitimate disease — but I did feel some of his observations about the descent into hell that these folks follow was very accurate. Reading this book, along with many other opinions and theories, helped me to form my own opinion. I had to develop a battle plan that helped me on my road to recovery. I had to learn to change my own patterns so that I would no longer be vulnerable to being manipulated by others. It was not that I was to blame for their behaviors, it was that I was not able to keep them from perpetuating them and causing me pain until I became properly trained in self defense.

    So I am grateful for anyone who can give me a clue — any idea that was useful at the time — when I didn’t have anything else available — that helped me to understand my own motivations and actions. The best message that Chumplady delivers, in my opinion, is to get away from the problem, and stop trying to understand it or fix it. That is the starting point on the Trip to Meh. Chumps are not responsible for the problems the Cheaters have — we didn’t cause them, we don’t have to pay for them, we just need to recognize them and stop trying to live on hope.

    I don’t know who is paying for Weiner’s “therapy” — but I doubt it will be money well spent. I think he is irreparable, and some of his reported actions seem criminal to me. I don’t know if he will ever be found guilty in a court of law — but I sincerely hope so. I would like to know how he would fair inside the prison system — just what type of esteem he would have from his fellow inmates. My guess is he would have more to worry about than why he wasn’t being hired by the network news for his particular acumen.

    • I see your point, Portia, but many of the traits that keep us with the disordered are not traits that we WANT to give up–compassion, a tendency to help people, viewing others through a positive lens. Sandra Brown found that many women who stayed with Cluster B men had ‘supertraits’ [unfortunately, her research was only with women]. Society should want to encourage people to hone their supertraits, but the sex addiction paradigm blames the partners for trying to help the disordered partner.

      • I certainly didn’t intend to support a sex addiction paradigm, and although I am not familiar with the ‘supertraits’ I have lived with a father and two husbands who I believe have Cluster B personalities. I was trying to say that I found some good information in Carnes book, which was useful to me at the time, even if I didn’t buy into his overall theory of sex addiction. I believe I still have the capacity to be compassionate and help people — but the lens I view others through has become a little more focused. I am not the Chump I used to be, and the reason I am not is that I have taken the time to consider information and form my own theories from a wide variety of sources. I may have told myself, and maybe even believed at the time, that I was trying to help my disordered father/partner — but the truth is that I learned I could only help myself. I came to the conclusion that no matter what I did, or how much I loved, or what resource I used that I could not fix what was wrong with a Cluster B personality. The things I read, including Carnes book, gave me the language I needed to understand what was going on, and a look inside patterns of behavior that I may not have discovered on my own. The information available at the time I needed it also let me know I was not alone — there were many other decent, intelligent and hardworking people who had somehow become involved with cheaters and liars. Since one of my foo problems was that I had been led to believe I was responsible for the actions of other people — this was a really big moment for me. The culture I was raised in was more of a “you make your bed, you lie in it” culture than a “leave a cheater gain a life” culture. For me, each thing I read gave me a piece of an incredibly difficult jigsaw puzzle, and was needed for my recovery. The day the pieces of the puzzle fell in place was the day I started getting better.

        • Portia, I appreciate your measured responses. It’s kind of exciting to practice thinking for myself and not checking in with x (only to be shut down or argued with – honestly, I don’t know why I thought we had so much in common. We both like John Prine. That may be it. WTF?!)

          I particularly agree with the ‘aha!’ of “one of my foo problems was that I had been led to believe I was responsible for the actions of other people.”

          I’ve just been very ill and unable to move very much, so this morning I took my first long walk in a while and found myself consumed with anger, not about x but about something his sister said to me when I met her for coffee about six months after D-day. She said she had spoken to x and felt that unlike everyone else in her family, that I didn’t deserve what happened. I’m just floored that his family buys into his perversion as a legitimate response to what a horrendous shrew I am. OTOH, he did fuck this sister when she was between ages of six and 14. They all make me puke.

          On a side note, I’m trying to begin exercising today. I was startled by how movement brought up a lot of strong emotions. Hopefully, those endorphins will help that angry energy flow away. I’m so tired of still thinking about this situation.

          • Nothing wrong with John Prine therapy!!!

            If dreams were Thunder and Lightening was desire,
            This old house would have burned down a long time ago. . .

            Just give me one thing I can hold on to
            To believe in this living is just a hard way to go…

            Anger can fuel your desire to heal, provide the energy you need to move — working through your pain and your pent up emotions. I didn’t have any support from the family in law — denial and silence were the way they coped with dysfunction. Music, on the other hand, gave me plenty of support, and lyrics to express my emotions! Good Luck with your recovery!

        • I agree, applying compassion and understanding to the correct targets is important, and honing our lens about how we view other people. Many of us probably normalized ‘crazy’ because of childhood issues. I also suspect many of us have (had?) a skewed cost-benefit analyzer, too; we kept pressing the lever to obtain emotional satisfaction, or change in our partners, long after a normal person would have concluded the cause was lost.

          Once one has been in an insidiously abusive relationship (either as a child or with a romantic partner), the lens as to how we view situations is pretty cloudy. It takes escaping the situation to fully realized how we buttressed the pathology unwittingly.

          • Yes, Tempest. The sunk costs, the investment, the caring.

            All of that was real for me. I have a hard time accepting that none of it meant anything to x. Not sure why I picked him.

            • I had a great childhood and had no defense against a cluster b ex friend. Those people have been in training since infancy. It took me a long time to realize that she made me question my own thoughts, ideas and memories. I cannot imagine how anyone could be married to someone like her.
              I don’t know if my ex sil is a cluster b, but to abandon her children is so foreign to me that I would not be surprised.
              How do you become empathetic as an adult? Your personality is formed throughout childhood. Weiner had a wife and child who are/were susceptible to his behavior and he never slowed down. His compulsion beat out his family every time. I don’t see how riding horses, talking and listening is going to change a personality already formed.

              • Let Go, I agree completely. Plus, it’s compounded by their unwillingness to even want to change. x was both defensive and offensive about his porn collection and his beer.

                In our free society, when everything is permissible and available, there is absolutely no reason to lie, demean, humiliate, harm.

                Just do the right thing.

                In my case, arranging to rent human bodies for strange sex from pimps was easier than having an honest conversation with me.

                This experience has really made me doubt myself because I haven’t really liked myself for a long time. With regard to your earlier point, it’s hard for me to change and I want to! x wants to do what he’s doing. And that includes lying, I guess.

            • Roaring, I do believe we can change surface things. Through therapy,and sometimes medication, anxiety, fears etc can be controlled. Those are issues forced on you but not necessarily incorporated into your personality. I am generally a happy, stress free, person but I have lifelong claustrophobia. When I was very young I heard my parents talking about a little girl who fell in a deep well and no one could get to her. It took her a few days to die. That had a huge impact on me and I can’t stand to be in enclosed spaces. It has nothing to do with my day to day life. I make sure I don’t get in elevators. I just use the stairs.
              If you feel devalued then blame the people who did it and let yourself off the hook. Find the triggers and try to stay away from them. If not use EMDR therapy. It helps you pull out bad memories and take away their sting.

            • Roaring: I get that we don’t like who we become after years with an abusive fucktard, nor that we stayed waaaaaay too long. But not liking yourself for a long time?

              You’re highly intelligent, witty, compassionate–how much more fabulous do you want to be?

  • No wonder he keeps doing it. He has no real consequences. Equin therapy? Why not a foot massage every time he sexts a teenager? That’ll teach him. He doesnt even get a slap on the wrist…its more like a carress. Im disgusted.

    • Yo – exactly! What he is doing is homework to try and battle his felony charge of underage-exposure.
      The Equine Theory should let him off the hook for any jail time. Yanno, heavy duty therapy.
      If a court of law even considers this false pretense of ‘fixing himself’ when they bring him in for a Federal Charge, and this is something that would reflect positively? on his record?? The People involved in his justice should laugh him out of court and send him to jail where he belongs.

  • Sorry if I’m repeating, I haven’t read all the comments here yet.
    Sex addiction? Pfffft. Bunch of crap. There is no cure for Cluster Fuck B’s. When they show you what they are definitely believe them.
    I honestly think he has such pride ??? in the size of his dick he wants to grace the world with it. You know, Huma, it’s my cock, you’re not the boss of me, how could I not show this trophy off?
    I mean, even with all of Cock Slobber’s prowess at swallowing cock whole, I gotta admit she might choke on Anthony’s Weiner. Bwa ha ha ha???. Yeah, fuck off Weiner. #sorrycockslobberyoubetterpassonthatone

    • Exorcist…….I nearly gave my screen a shower with soda…….”choke on Antony’s weiner.” Hahahahahahaha

      • There was a hilarious scene in the classic movie, This is Spinal Tap, where the rock band’s product (besides great music) was the attention their tight jeans gave to their dicks. The tighter the clothes, the bigger the package..
        A guy gets caught in customs and he pulls out a big cucumber that didn’t make it through the gates.

  • I actually believe that people like Weiner and my ex are truly messed up, and that they don’t have good control over their behavior.

    HOWEVER, we don’t know how/why they got this messed up, and we really really do not have effective treatments for moderate to severe cases. People with mild problems around impulse control and lack of empathy figure this stuff out fairly quickly, when there are consequences they don’t like. People with more severe ones, not so much – mostly because hey! It’s not their fault!

    The only thing that works with narcs/sociopaths/addicts in general is CONSEQUENCES. That encourages them to work as hard as they can to control their behavior, no matter what their thoughts/feelings/impulses are. Some will not be able to control themselves no matter what, or not very consistently. They need compassion AND ways to protect themselves and everybody else from their problems. (Needle exchanges, for example, and prisons for criminals who can’t change.)

    That’s what I particularly dislike about the ‘sex addict’ thing; it encourages others to drop the consequences, or soften them, and to pity and feel hopeful about the messed up person.

    We can even feel sorry for them – from a distance!

  • My x was obsessed with the size of his penis.

    Actually, just obsessed with his penis in general.

    I did not then, nor now, really understand how central to his self-concept is this obsession.

    It’s just part of who he is. I predict he won’t change and that he can’t change. I predict he’s going to end up in prison or dead.

    I see Anthony Weiner’s smug face and it’s the same as x. He’s happy to say and do anything to shut up his detractors, but his face shows that he’s not deterred by anything.

    The confidence and arrogance and entitlement puts paid to the idea that he’s suffering.

    I used to think tolerance was a worthy value – after enduring (as a daughter and a spouse) and learning about addiction and alcoholism and deceit and betrayal, I have zero tolerance for assholes. Zero.

    Fuck you, assholes. Fuck you Anthony Weiner. Fuck you x. You’re wasting valuable resources on this earth.

  • To be fair, I know The Ranch well and its team of clinicians is good and dedicated. They are an accountability based program and the therapy there is anything but easy. Clinicians can hold the line between having empathy for a person AND holding them accountable for their actions and character issues. As spouses, we do not have to do that. Some people do stop these behaviors, because they WANT to. My personal opinion is that most if not all sex addicts are also narcissists, and if that’s not addressed, no one gets better. If people want to get better, there should be support for that. But my heartfelt empathy is reserved for the victims, always, first and foremost.

    • I suspect most of the dissent here is (a) for the term ‘sex addiction’ over “poor impulse control:” (b) that the vast majority of those attending the Ranch are doing so to avoid consequences (such as losing their families) rather than because they want to change; and (c) the ‘cure’ rate. Estimate is that the cure for sex addiction is 5%, and I suspect that is liberal.

      • The cure rate is abysmally low, yes. You could argue it’s about the same for all “addictions.” Poor impulse control, character disorders, whatever you call it, all have low cure rates. Personally, I believe people only change when they find an internal reason to WANT to, not just external consequences. Something inside has to click. Anyway, glad that’s not my problem!

  • OMFG! I just now – truly this second – realized that Senior Slut and Shithead bought horse property together (all the while telling people they weren’t a couple and he wasn’t living with her)! They moved 90 miles from here, taking her horses along!

    I guess just riding her – that old, grey mare – wasn’t enough for him! Bwahahaha!

  • I hate for Weird Weiner to be associated with equine therapy. There are organizations like Central Kentucky Riding for the Handicapped that do wonderful work with children. Makes a real difference in their lives. http://www.ckrh.org

  • For some reason this reminded me of back in the 1940’s (or the like) when a girl got herself pregnant out of wedlock, they would ship her off for a visit to her “aunt’s farm” or the like. She would disappear for 4 months, then come back and no one ever would speak of it again. I feel like they shipped Anthony off to a farm in the middle of nowhere until well after the election, took away his cell phone and internet access and are just trying to keep him away from any type of attention until this election is over, the results are validated and the transition team for Clinton is well into the execution phase (standard not looking to start a political discussion applies).

    I have never really given much thought as to whether or not “sex addiction” is a real thing. I don’t think it is in the same way we think of drug addiction or alcoholism. I think the nearest approximation is the “new and shiny” addition that a lot of these folks seem to have. A bit like people who get a rush from gambling or shopping. These are not additions in the classic sense of putting a foreign substance in your body and getting high. They are compulsive behaviors motivated by the “high” that these folks get from new pussy/the thrill of the chase/the big win/buying new things. But it still comes back around to entitlement – they feel entitled to act on these compulsions, regardless of whether or not it’s harmful to their loved ones. My Ex was always wanting the new and shiny thing. Whether that be a new car, or new clothes, or the new fixative hobby of the month. He went on a kick of being all about sneakers and bought tons of expensive sneakers. This was a guy who mostly dressed like a homeless bum and didn’t really give any thought to his appearance, but he was obsessed with new, fancy shiny sneakers for a while… until it was something else.

    He traded me in for the 15 year younger howorker. New and shiny and stupid. I am pretty sure I saw his car outside her place this weekend, and I was sort of upset for a little while. But then my friend said “Of course he’s still hanging around her, she’s all he has.” And you know what – being married to him for 12 years taught me he will never change. He will always be entitled, mean, immature, addicted, and horrible. So she can have him, and in 5 years, he will discard her and move on to some other idiot.

  • My ex is the love child of Donald Trump and Anthony Weiner. The news has been terribly triggering, yet validating of my choice to be done with this man almost 5 years ago. I love horses but am struggling to find their purpose in sex addiction rehab. The story of Weiner doing camp rehab was also a trigger. My ex came back home two days after I told him to leave and assaulted me, resulting in a broken nose for me and two felonies for him. Instead of him going to trial and facing a minimum of 6 years in prison, I asked the DA if he could instead make inpatient sex addiction rehab a part of his plea bargain. Unknown to the DA or to myself, the state of Colorado does not have a state recognized sex addiction inpatient facility. In that case, the felon gets to pick their own treatment facility! What a surprise that was. My ex chose a spa/ranch in California somewhere with “views of the Catalina Islands” (I can’t remember the name). He was mixed in with addicts of all ages, sexes and types of addictions, including a 19 year old female drug addict. They did co-ed equine therapy, exercise, swimming and got daily massages. Just what an out of control sex addict did not need! The twist of the knife was that I was court ordered to pay half of this treatment (it was $25,000 for two weeks) because we were still legally married. Still can’t get over that one!

    • That is shocking – how utterly unfair. These treatment centres sound like total scams. Why does anyone need massages or horses? I suspect the “sex addicts” are just garden variety narcs with high libidos and tendency to take risks.

    • I’m so sorry mwws! What happened to you is terrible, and then for your ex to be rewarded while you pay half the bill!! No words!

    • my.walls.will.sing, why on Earth would you do such a thing???
      A lawyer on your side of the fence would have been cheaper.

      • We all did compassionate things for our cheaters that they didn’t deserve. Doesn’t help to beat ourselves up afterwards.

      • I had a lawyer! A very expensive lawyer!!! I did it (paid half of his rehab) because I was ordered to by the court. It was not a direct payment, but was not allowed to go onto his side of the balance sheet in divorce, so therefore it was 50/50. I respect laws, the court and would never have broken a court order. Our divorce courts (at least in Colorado) do not recognize infidelity and narcissistic abuse or even domestic abuse when considering rulings. If you’re still legally married, everything is 50/50. This includes horse therapy and even his legal defense for hurting me! As CL says, you can’t make this shit up!

  • poor impulse control and bad character do not equal addiction. You don’t sext a minor because you have a sex addiction. It still pisses me off that DSM now classifies gambling as an addiction. Show me the fMRI scans that prove it changes your brain to gamble or have sex to the extent you become addicted to it? And sex addiction is particularly ridiculous, nearly everyone enjoys sex and we don’t go fuck nearly everyone because we enjoy sex. Hell, caffeine is actually physically addictive but most people figure out they can’t afford Starbucks, they have to use the coffeemaker at home. And if the coffeemaker is broken they get a new one. So if you can’t get what you want at home, be honest and divorce.

  • Don’t really think Weiner can be cured of his “addiction” by riding horses. But by learning to ride a horse six months after day really helped me weather the initial hopless/helpless feelings. For 1 hour every week for a year the only thing I was able to focus on was to not get thrown or fall off the horse. The rest of the time my brain was on the hamster wheel of emotions.

  • A few weeks after DDay #1 a well meaning friend (chumped herself by 2 x husbands) and therapist who studied at The Meadows with Carnes suggested that douche bag might have not only drug alcohol relapse but also sex or love addiction. That started us on a 4 month rabbit hole that was as bad as RIC. It ended though when the MC at the center told X he must take a polygraph bc she didnt believe he had stopped the affair or stopped using drugs. He refused and that led to me kick his ass out for good. I had the partner workbook and every page, especially the anger section, was filled with writing, extra sheets for triggering events – there were so many Ddays in that 4 months as the extent of the duplicity trickled out- when douche left he left everything including his SA workbook. After 4 months of 8 hours a week therapy, he had only written two short sentences but it told me all I now understand: he had had many affairs, he lied and deceived me and knew it, he had been using drugs for a long time while claiming to be sober and in AA. Nothing else was in that book. It was shocking.

    I had gone to IC in the early weeks and my therapist was given permission to speak to the SA therapist douche was seeing. After a lot of run around she finally got to talk to him and she relayed this message, which scared me so bad I fired her on the spot although I later apologized and told her she was 100% right: X was a narcissist, probably BPD, on amphetamines and THC and alcohol, blamed me for everything, took no responsibility whatsoever, had no remorse, was a serial cheater, would continue to harm me and our children, he had little to no chance of changing, and the only solution was for me to leave and divorce him as quickly as possible. Now I know she was completely right.

    I’ve gone back to the partners’ therapist a few times and mainly to educate her about the principles of CL and CN.

    One last thing, I joined a partners’ group at that center right at the time X left for good. All of the women had partners who have been so- called diagnosed with sex addiction. All of those partners were actively in sex addiction therapy. However I have never seen a sicker, more miserable group of women. Each week they would Relate all of their efforts to monitor what their husbands were doing. And they would report all of the lies that they were still catching them in. I remember thinking that I did not want to have anything to do with that kind of lifestyle. And even though it hurts like a motherfucker to be divorcing a narcissist who wants to destroy me financially after 25 years of marriage, there’s no doubt in my mind that their path would lead only to extreme misery. And might in fact lead to my suicide. I will not live my one and only precious life that way. And I will not model that for my children.
    So, here I am. Right in the middle of the CN herd– thank you God and Tracy, and all of you lovely, sane, rational, compassionate, sister and fellow chumps! You saved my life!

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