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UBT: It Has Nothing To Do With You

nothingyou“It has nothing to do with you.”

That single sentence was sent to the Universal Bullshit Translator. One Stupid Shit Cheaters Say cliche, so much to unpack.

“It has nothing to do with you.”

You’re nothing to me.

“It has nothing to do with you.”

Do not interfere with my unfettered access to cake.

“It has nothing to do with you.”

My actions have no consequences. Well, none to me anyway. Let’s keep it like that, shall we?

“It has nothing to do with you.”

I never think of you when I fuck other people. What matters is what’s in my head — my fantasy self, my centrality, my secret double life. You’re in the Chump compartment. You’re just one of 17,548 compartments. My compartments never mix. Like the toddler whose meat can’t touch the vegetables on his plate? You’re Brussel sprouts.

“It has nothing to do with you.”

Did I make you a promise? Psych!

“It has nothing to do with you.”

You’re taking that STD, missing money, and humiliation awfully personally. You should get some help for that.

“It has nothing to do with you.”

Do you have needs? Wants? Desires? Those have nothing to do with me. Key word here — ME.

“It has nothing to do with you.”

What I feel for Schmoopie has nothing to do with how I feel for you. Could you switch this laundry out and fetch me a Hot Pocket?

“It has nothing to do with you.”

If you do it across state lines, it doesn’t count.

“It has nothing to do with you.”

It actually doesn’t. Cheating has everything to do with me and my fucked up character. You’re not responsible for my flaming sense of entitlement. Can’t fix it. That’s on me and why would I give up cake for consequences?

“It has nothing to do with you.”

(Spoken as I’m handed divorce papers.)

Enjoy that new life that has Nothing to do with me.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • True, it is a step up from the blameshifting that most of us heard. My ‘favorite’ line was, “You should stop obsessing about my affair and start obsessing about why I was unhappy with you at the time.”

      • Wow! That’s classic. I did it because of you not me BS. How ironic they think the are perfect without flaws. Truth is they normally have the biggest and worst flaws and we just look past them.

        • It had everything to do with me. From being asexual (while having sex several times a week), to trying to poison him (!), to emasculating him by not having a tidy garden so he couldn’t have any friends (I never knew him to have friends, only one dope dealer), to being like his alcoholic father (I hardly drink), to hurting his little feelings when I was suicidal because of his cheating and discard. All my fault. And it was the wrong farm too, not the one he wanted (which was too far away for shared custody of his 4 th son, that’s why we didn’t go there). Now it’s my fault he dropped out of his teacher training course while he was living with me unemployed (not true, we had a huge fight when he told me he was quitting to focus on his local election campaign, which he promptly lost cos he didn’t even campaign…). It may even be my fault eventually that he dropped out of his PhD 3 years before we met, when he was still with the whore. It is probably my fault he cheated on this first wife with the whore 7 years before we met. Eventually it will be my fault his mother died when he was two, it’s his family’s fault already that he didn’t understand what happened then. Couldn’t possibly be because he was only 2 years old.
          The FOO issues will be my fault too, couldn’t just be bad luck and family tragedy, handled with the appropriate sadness and grief, and support for each other.
          It never has anything to do with YOU, mate!

          • Jeez, Kiwichump, you’re omnipotent! You’re probably responsible for the global warming damaging the Great Barrier Reef, aren’t you? and the July earthquakes in Australia? and the 2008 Stock Market crash? Your X probably felt so helpless around you….

            • Sure am responsible for global warming! With that lawnmower powered by our South Island hydro-electricity 😉
              Got a pass on the earthquakes probably cos he’s not talking to me…
              Got a pass on the GFC, that was the banksters according to him, and why one should never have anything to do with banks. So I had no debt until we met, now I do cos he wanted to borrow to buy more livestock, and a big tractor. Still hated the banksters, but that was ok cos the loan is in my name!
              Chumpity, chump, chump!

      • I heard this almost word for word. Of course mine would shift from blaming me to saying it wasn’t me to how he didn’t deserve me (sometimes all in the same conversation). Going no contact was the only thing that could stop his mind games…I finally decided not to play.

        My favorite is “Why do you think I cheated? Every time I went out drinking and didn’t tell you where I was or who I was with, you would get pissed.”

        • @getmefree … just wow! I’m currently still getting this during this ongoing separation and divorce proceedings. Lots of “I’m so sorry!” one day then “I know logically that this isn’t all your fault!” (Insert eye roll here). He’s all over the place like a toddler hocked up on too many Halloween treats!

        • Initially I got the “It has nothing to do with you or us. I’m a fucked up sex addict”. Now, after she’s met with a therapist it’s “It’s mostly my fault, but we need to look at how you have de-incentivized truth telling”. Apparently my having clearly stated expectations (we are agreeing to be monogamous which means x,y, z) is de-incentivizing the truth. WHAT THE FUCK?

        • Or academic administrators–uh, excuse me, college *Vice Presidents*
          With all those layers of administration and available ho-workers, no wonder the tuition is so high for my twin girls who are freshman students

      • Tempest, on the day I moved out of marital home, I awoke to find a card from my ex on the kitchen table. He had written, “Please don’t concern yourself about who I may, or may not, be seeing.” He then went on to blame me for everything, along with the old “I didn’t feel enough passion for her” excuse.

        • I pretty much got the same. Word for word. When I asked how he could do what he was doing he said,”I don’t even think about you.” Then I got, “It’s not you it’s me.” ” There is nothing wrong with you.” “I will probably always love you.” ” If we had had children I wouldn’t be doing this.”

          He’s still texting The Tramp.

      • I got the “it’s none of your business” line. “It’s my vagina, you don’t own it, and I’ll do what I want with it.” Good bitch, because that snatch is nasty.

        • That says it all Ian, she views her body parts as things, as property. Completely alienated. She doesn’t view herself as a whole person, mind and body, including integrity. Talk about compartments!

        • I’ll bet Match Girl thought she was tres clever to try and paint you as the aberrant one, and use the ploy that you were a pawn of patriarchy for expecting her to keep her underwear on.

    • It has nothing to do with you is like saying, you have no right as my partner to know anything. I tell you what I WANT to tell you and what I THINK you should know. And don’t forget, you paranoid, insecure woman, “I would NEEEEEEVER cheat on you…….”

      • “….you have no right as my partner to know anything. I tell you what I want to tell you and what I think you should know”

        Cheaterspeak for – You are not the boss of me.

      • YES YES YES!!! I’m screaming this out loud in agreement!!

        I heard “it has nothing to do with you” and “what’s it have to do with you?” On a daily basis!

        Even to simple or curious questions. Like, what would you like to do for dinner tonight? Or, let’s go that movie we’ve talked about, what night do we have your son? I’d get that snarky statement with inoculous and inert questions, and he sad it snarly if I asked a question like ‘who was that?’ When he’s smiling at a text on his phone.

        These people are all alike! Wow, here I thought, at the time, I was just being irritating or nosey.

        Thanks all for sharing!

      • YES! “My relationship with her is not the reason I think we should get a divorce,” is a line I’ve heard many times. Yes, we had our issues (mostly of my making, of course), but his determination that his ho-worker is “the love of his life” certainly made him less inclined to work on them.

      • Something like this. When confronted with cheating, I say I want out of the marriage. In history revision maybe a week later, we have irreconcilable do inferences, it has nothing to do with cheating.

        Well, OK then, ha ha! My give a shit is broken. And I am protecting his image with the same care he demonstrated for my health.

    • When hubby says these words to me, I said, ” thanks a lot, I’m glad to hear me or our life has nothing to do about you… ” ((after a 30 yr what I thought was a happy marriage.?))

  • “It has nothing to do with you.”

    Except, really it’s all your fault. I mean, I’m *perfect* and you’re just so broken, so naturally you made me cheat. You go fix yourself, and strive for my level of perfection, and maybe then I won’t be driven to other women. K? Thanks. Now, let me finish watching this game.

    –The Ex Husband

  • I heard this version ” It wasn’t about you. It was about her and me. It was hot!”
    Read : You weren’t hot.

    • That reply just show how little empathy they have! Why even say that to someone. Just get out of the relationship and move on. Oh wait, you must have been the responsible adult and that made you not hot. You know telling them to take care of adult things and quit acting like a hormone crazed teenager!

      • EXACTLY lostntx.

        It’s not hot that you do all the shopping, cooking, and cleaning.

        It’s not hot that you are a great mom to our kids.

        It’s not hot that you’re smarter than I am.

        It’s not hot that you keep life moving ahead smoothly for our entire family.

        It’s not hot that you are a responsible adult and you expect ME to be one, too.

        So what’s so hot about your whore?

        “She lets me cum on her face.”

        blank stare

        • I don’t know what to say about the reply. I’m a male and even I have always thought that was over the line. Talk about not having any respect for yourself. That must be one of the things cheaters search for. No self-respect!

          • “That must be one of the things cheaters search for. No self-respect!”
            Exactly, they want themselves reflected in the APs.

            • Mine always wanted me to let him come on my face. I never did. Like who the fuck was going to clean that shit out of my eyelashes?! He also liked to record our action. On occasion…men…OK. but then he’d want to stop mid fuck to grad his phone to record. Killed half my groove. Argh! So my compromise? Sometimes I’d flat out tell him no, I dont want to stop mid action to fumble with a phone.

    • That is so cruel. Shallow POS.
      After a while, gratitude creeps in.
      I don’t have to deal with that disordered sh* any more.
      I have no more hope hanging on, guaranteed to be crushed by that lack of connection.
      Connect away with OW, I feel sorry for her.

      • I completely agree, Patsy. Every day I breath a huge sigh of relief that Hannibal no longer hangs over my head like the sword of Damacles. Last I heard, current GF may need to go on antidepressants after 2+ years with him (even growing up in a totalitarian society didn’t quite prepare her for his rule).

  • I got this stupid line, along with ILYBNILWY, and “I settled on you”. I told him he was damn right it had nothing to do with me. I didn’t turn into some raging moron who needed to go outside his marriage. Of course, I didn’t know that his mother actually cheated on his father in a similar way. He’s getting all his advice from her now. He’s living in his car now and shacking up with some other ho-worker since he can’t stay with OW#1 since her husband threatened to sue for full custody since she decided to move some strange dude into his house less than a week after he left it to find a new place for them in another state.

    Looking back, I can see a lot of terrible behavior that I tried to rationalize away when I should have cut my losses, but it is what it is. I’m grateful I only lost 11 years as opposed to 30. I’m almost 35 now. At least I have plenty of time to start over. I am exceptionally angry that he involved children in his BS. His main Schmoopie has two children, son 9, and a daughter 16. The 16-year-old tried to cover for them and plays referee in their fiery relationship. How disgusting do you have to be to inflict your drama on a child?

    He hasn’t seen his own child in two weeks. I should be grateful. My son has nonverbal autism, no kibbles to really be gotten there.

    • You are young, have many years ahead to establish a great life and your child is so much better off without your ex creep in his life.

      • Oh and the “ILYBNILWY” line, are usually stated by major jerks. When I was in my 20’s a guy I was dating for only 8 months said that line to me. He also hit on my best friend and then started dating someone behind my back although he fully intended that it get back to me. That was ok because I met another guy that I started dating, unbeknownst to him, while he was dating the other girl. In a weird way he wanted to bring me to my knees but didn’t quite work out that way. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that for the next 7 years, right up until I married someone else he pursued me. Called my mother, my friends, etc. Begged me to get back with him. I was over the moon for him at the beginning and during our relationship. Shortly after, I thought he was so pathetic and simply could not stomach him. I chalk him up to the “thank God” that did not work out category.

  • All of this.
    And:

    It used to, but not anymore. I am so detached from you that you don’t even register.

  • “It has nothing to do with you” – you are nothing to me. You are a tool that raises the children, works outside the home, cleans the house, does the yard work and has a meal waiting for me when I decide to arrive home. You need to work harder because the money that I make I spend on myself and other women who may, or may not, even know you exist. The bills are piling up and the house needs work but it still appears, on the outside, that I am a great man because of the tool that keeps it all together. Once in awhile, I will cut the front lawn so others can see how wonderful I am (with my shirt off of course 😉 Once in awhile, when you get very upset, I will throw you a bone in order to keep you in line. See! I can have my cake and eat it too!

    • Yeah, it pisses me off to think how much my ex spent buying drinks, lap dances, possible and probable extra fun in the VIP rooms at strip clubs for women while we were married.

      When he took Tim Whoreton Coffee Snatch out for drinks to “be a good friend to her” after her divorce (aka preying on a newly divorced women) — he said, “My treat!!!” for drinks that night. Bastard. God forbid he’d take his own wife out for drinks or dinner. Fucking bastard.

      • Ah, yes, the “my treat!”mantra. Always the big spender and huge tipper, especially if his harem of ho-workers was out for lunch or drinks with him. Like you, Martha, I can say, “God forbid he’d take his own wife out for drinks or dinner.” He always said spouses weren’t invited–it was strictly networking and team-building time. When it would slip that there had been other spouses there, he said they just showed up, and there was nothing anyone could do without being rude. So how about I just show up sometime and enjoy the festivities? Blank look. What a chump I was.

        Tracy, “my fantasy self, my centrality, my secret double life.” That, in a nutshell. You have such a way with words. Thank you.

    • “Once in awhile, I will cut the front lawn so others can see how wonderful I am”

      Gosh, it took me awhile to figure out why after he moved out he continued to insist on mowing the lawn every other weekend. He even became outraged when I suggested that I could, in fact, handle mowing our small little lawn with the push mower. I didn’t realize the narc inside of him wanted the neighbors to see how he was still “taking care” of the home on the outside even though he had all but abandoned the rest of the responsibilities.

      Now I’m mowing the lawn and it feels good. And I keep my shirt on 😉

      • Done4Good keeping your shirt on!

        Made me laugh !! I spilled my coffee!!
        Brilliant

        It has nothing to do with you. – I’m still getting this line. Maybe he thinks if he says it enough it will become true. Like all his other magical thinking like we can ‘date’ again after the divorce!’ Seriously. As I am telling him I am going to file he says he really wants to date me again. I just take another ginormous step away from the crazy.

        I think the real reason they say it so often is that it almost sounds like they are taking responsibility for it. They are stupid or shallow or fucked up enough (probably all three) to not see how deranged and hurtful it is. It shows us how little they can see things from our perspective.

        CL. Slam dunk today.

        • What is it with these idiots? Skankboy mowed the lawn after I tossed him out, too! Satan’s Spawn also mentioned dating. Oh, yeah, and the shirt off thing, too. LOSERS!

        • Date after the divorce? Really????

          I was told after D-Day #2 we could try to slowly rebuild our relationship by dating again and I actually entertained this shit sandwich buffet for awhile. Imagine after being discarded and quickly replaced by someone who was also a lowlife cheater, I then had to prove my value to HIM.

          WTF was I thinking?

          • You were feeding him the kibble sandwich and you got the sh*t sandwich! I guarantee he was grinning on the inside from ear to ear at your ability to take more sh*t. He just kept piling it on. Boy can I relate…

          • BTW, my XH BEGGED me to come back numerous times. Tooooooo late f-cktard. 7 years of wreckonciliation could not change your f-cked up entitlement. All set with the bullsh-t. Thaaaanks

        • I got the dating after D, too. My magnanimous turd also offered to get married again, after the D, and after his fairytale with cocksocket ended. Nope. Nitwit.

          • Waffles –

            Nitwit. Best word EVER.

            I’m getting this just now. We can divorce of course, he understands he “did something he shouldn’t” and there must be ‘consequences’ BUT as it was nothing to do with me and because he has spent a whole nanosecond repenting, then hey fresh slate!! Let’s just get re-married!!
            Honestly I’m almost more offended by his obvious belief in the bottomless depths of my stupidity than I am that he was boffing strangers for four years.

            I like this word too. Dipshit.

            • You are so insightful, Capricorn. You are making so much progress, so quickly. And you are not even through the divorce shitstorm yet! I see another Chump getting unchumped and arriving in Meh soon. Howdy neighbor!

              “his obvious belief in the bottomless depths of my stupidity.” This. Since they don’t have empathy and can’t understand it or innocence, they truly believe it is stupidity, and only stupidity. What is that saying about love being blind? ‘Twas blind, but now I see.’ Can’t unsee the dysfunction and lying, the using and abusing, the utter disregard for the person who loved them through thick or thin.

              A nanosecond of repentance. Good one.

              • So true Capricorn and Finding Bliss: If cheaters can get away with a nanosecond of superficial repentance, by gosh, they’ll go for it and hope for the best. Fingers crossed. Some cheaters are so full of magical thinking, that maybe, just maybe, the stupid and gullible chump can be wooed back into re-marriage in under a minute. Cause ‘work’ is a four letter word for narcissists. Who me? Actually put in serious time, effort and reflection into understanding why my ex-spouse has divorced me? Make profoud amends? Nah. Boring. Sounds too much like a big effort that might lead to nothing. Best to move on to another unsuspecting victim.

            • “Honestly I’m almost more offended by his obvious belief in the bottomless depths of my stupidity than I am that he was boffing strangers for four years.” I feel ya. I hate, hate, hate how stupid and trusting and chumpy I was. No more. The joy of being smart, questioning and single is boundless.

              • Yeah, that’s me, too. I feel like a cartoon character of a Chump. For years I’ve been a suspicious, anxious, nervous wreck falling for her “I’d never cheat on you, baby” bullshit. I’ve actually been washing clothing I don’t recognize for years.

            • I’d say the belief that they can put the marriage on “hold” (like giving a child a time out) and than just pick it back up is shocking, but it really isn’t.

              So par for the course. I *used* to be friends with a woman who left her H for her highschool BF. She sat there telling me all about how AP was leaving his BW for her (while on vacation w/BW & inlaws). Her plan was to implode 2 Ms, then remarry BH in the future. That was the last time I spoke to her, after 20 years of friendship. Utterly delusional.

        • Oh yes, whenever I wasn’t talking to him for 2-3 days because I was getting sick of the mean comments, he’d say “we were on a break”. That equals, I can act like a fool, get drunk and fuck others, because “we were on a break”. Even after I moved out, “we were on a break”.

      • Loved this! Mine offered to do a few things around the house, too. Mow, clean bathroom a bathroom,etc while I was recovering from my c-section. Always amounted to about 60-90 minutes a week. Since I couldn’t do it myself at the time, I let him. It somehow made him feel that he was “doing right” by his wife and family who he walked out on. Of course, he spent the rest of his free time screwing the 23 year old without telling me and getting wasted every night.

        Once I recovered, He was no longer welcome. He still claims that I am too stubborn to let him help me. Having him gone helps my sanity more than those few scraps ever helped my workload.

      • Ah. That explains the weird looks from the neighbors and the teenage boys riding up and down the street on their bikes. Silly me. I thought the lawn mower wouldn’t work it I was fully clothed. Note to self for next summer, keep my shirt on. ?

    • Wow….same husband!? That’s pretty much all mine would do too…mow the lawn shirtless on occasion, and maybe put some dishes away. While I did EVERYTHING EVERYTHING else, on top of, at one point, working three part-time jobs while in grad school. Not to mention continuing to do EVERYTHING when I went back to working full-time. But of course I justified it in my own fucked up way because he “worked so hard” and was so tired all the time. I believe the term used here is “spackle”! Total narcissists. Good for you for taking it all over on your own!!! It does feel amazing 🙂

        • I actually thought that he did. But, he was actually screwing a nurse in the hospital parking lot.
          To be fair (to myself), I grew up with a father who actually did work hard/a lot, so that was my example. I was naive to believe everyone was like that.

      • Yup, I did the hard working spackle! Instead, he was working real hard at deceiving and getting his kicks. Such hard workers they are… eyeroll!

      • Me too! I did EVERYTHING except for vacuuming the steps, which he did about once a month. And I did it, because he always had “so much work to do” and I thought if I took care of everything he’d have time for the kids and I. That never panned out. SPACKLE!

      • I hire someone to mow the lawn now (it’s a big lawn). It’s mowed faster, better and cheaper. Faster and better because Narcs are all about the show – not the quality of the job. Cheaper because I don’t have to tell them how wonderful they are so I save my time and sanity by refusing to supply kibble and purchase shit sandwiches for the crew 😀

        • When The Lying Liar Who Lies left us, I discovered that the only chore I had to take on was mowing the yard. Otherwise, my life changed not a jot. Since he took the mower with him, I hired the lawn crew used by all my neighbors. I put $25.00 under the mat once a week and smile, smile, smile.

            • You have roused my inner Ogden Nash:

              There once was a liar who left us.
              That idiot totally effed us.
              But we are survivors
              And now even thrivers.
              By leaving the liar has blessed us.

              • Please do more! That’s so cathartic!
                Dissing cheaters in rhyme just seems so appropriate considering their inner angry toddlers!

                They would find this so infuriating. I remember when my kids were toddlers how mad they would get if they thought they were being made fun of. Would make a great bedtime story for chumps….

                The Chump Who Made Mr. Sparkles Explode With Rage with a Few Silly Limericks……..

              • I’m practicing for the annual Infidelity Valentines’s Day Contest. For some great humor, see the Archives column of 2-9-2016.

              • I have an entire folder of pieces of posts that I have snipped and saved…that poem was just added…that was great 🙂

      • ‘he works so hard’.
        Well, that one got me because I watched all the men I worked for in a cushy brokers’ office NOT working very hard.
        That’s when I decided to become one of them and become a broker myself.
        I figured if these lazy jackasses were making such good money by picking up a phone or plucking at a computer that I could do that just as well or even better than them.
        And, by God, I did get better than most of them.

        Nothing against guys who ‘work’ so hard which I include all types of manual labor. None of this cushy office life.
        HA – hararmph

  • “It has nothing to do with you.”

    You are right, Cheater. It does have nothing to do with me. It all has to do with you and your constant need for female adoration and attention. It has to do with the bottomless pit of emptiness that’s inside of your dark, wicked, evil heart.

    And btw, I didn’t get this line either. EVERYTHING had to do with me. My “trust issues.” The fact that I couldn’t “trust him 100%”, drove him to “pull-away” from me and into seeking out women for dates, texting, emailing, strippers, and whatever the fuck he’s been up to the last 25 years. Bullshit! As Chump Lady said to me months ago, “Yeah, well, sane people don’t trust liars.” Thank you, Chump Lady, for telling me I’m sane! He’s telling everyone (smear campaign) that I’m “crazy.” Funny how a once “perfect” wife is called “crazy” once she needs to be discarded and replaced.

    “My compartments never mix. Like the toddler whose meat can’t touch the vegetables on his plate? You’re Brussel sprouts.” lol. 🙂 Yeah, I felt like the Brussel sprouts. The least favorite vegetable. The vegetable most people would only eat if they hadn’t eaten in days and were starving.

      • Done4good

        You are on fire today !

        That’s so funny too. Although I’m wondering if I have been too close to crazy for too long. I’m finding Brussel sprouts funny ?

        • I’m finding humor in strange places too lately. I think it’s a combination of the stress of my divorce, this awful election and just being over the bad things in general.

          • Done4good

            Maybe it is an actual thing with chumps. Partly, as you say, to do with the stress of divorce and all the bad extras that go with it. I find so much to laugh about but in all the oddest places.
            It is good to laugh again but it is dangerously close to hysteria and then to crying fits.

            Typical. Even laughter goes weird after cheating!

            I guess if you can’t find some humour in this you would go mad. Thank heavens for CL.

          • I think finding laughter again means that we are on the right road to Meh! Instead of spending our time trying to decode their disordered statements, we begin to laugh at the absurdity of them.

            • I’ll take any kind of laughter at this point. Even the hysterical, insane kind. It’s better than where I was 6 months ago for sure.

            • Yep. You laugh or you cry; I choose laugh. Sometimes hysterically.

              Plus, I ran out of tears such a long time ago.

  • hit the nail on the head…
    “It’s nothing personal, I don’t hate you.
    I just feeling nothing about you.”
    I love the last “translation” in your article by the way CL! ❤️

  • It had nothing to do with me.

    Also, no matter what I might think *he*” knows in his mind what it all meant.” Which I guess is another way of telling your wife that because she doesn’t live in your head, she can’t grasp the true nature of things.
    Apparently there’s a whole department of office workers in his grey matter that type up “real” reasons he’d spend hours online pretending to be the most awesome guy in the world – giving his best manufactured personality to strangers while his wife and kids get the drunk detached emotionally unavailable dude who writes bad songs and yells when the house gets too loud for him to record them properly. lol

    Now that we’re divorced I’m waiting on a terrible country music ditty – he’ll probably collaborate with his equally untalented OW.
    Two people more afflicted with Dunning Kruger effect, I’ve never seen.

    • Wow. I think we may have been married to the same monster!! Except mine would be recording some awful 70s sounding drivel.

  • Immediately after BD, xh moved in with “his brother” (apartment he and OW set up 8 miles away).
    When I questioned him about money or whereabouts, I was told “It was none of my business”.

    As in where he lived.
    Who he was dating (“talking to”)
    When/if he was going to pay bills
    What happened to all the savings and liquid assets that he stole from the house.

    After 30 years.

      • No, divorce is over – (estimated @ $7,000 – but due to fighting, bill was over $40,000 –
        It was like pulling teeth to get ANY money out of his behind.
        He’d rather pay attorney $10,000 than give his family $1,000. Cheaper to let it go.

        My drama/despair I’m crawling out of — his is just beginning. He threw his family, his children, his savings and life on a fire – for ?????

  • “You’re in the Chump compartment. You’re just one of 17,548 compartments…”

    OMG — she used the word ‘compartmentalize’ so fucking often when we were in the worst of our troubles, as justification for remaining in the marriage while fucking around.

    And she’s STILL using it: “You know what the problem is? I can compartmentalize your qualities as a great father to the girls from those that made you such a bad husband to me. You can’t do that — you can’t separate the issues between us from the fact that I’m a good mother to the girls.”

    When exactly did the word “compartmentalize” become a thing?

    • Did you tell her that good mothers don’t sacrifice a stable home life for their daughters for some strange c*ck?

    • They find magic words that they stumble upon while excuse making. They think these words somehow make their excuses legitimate. And then they hold onto them for dear life.

      You can’t “compartmentalize”……you just want to “control” me….why can’t you just let me be “happy”…..

      • I get the “You are just trying to control me” BS all the time. I’m doing a great job of it considering he’s got plenty of leeway to bang Schmoopie.

        My other favorite, “I’m happy and you hate it”.

        • I was “controlling” too, because I didn’t want my husband going on dates with wonen. I’m was also “judgemental”, because I told him that dating women while married was wrong. He kept saying, “Stop judging me.” And he cried sad sausage tears while he said it.

          When you step back. Have some time and distance from the crap that was said to you. You can see how warped their thinking is.

      • Yes!! It’s as if they repeat these phrases in their head over and over, then say them to you over and over. Just because it then becomes a “real and true” statement to them doesn’t make it any less disordered.

        My STBX’s favorite line was “Why get yelled at twice when I can just get yelled at once?” He used this to justify not answering his phone or texts when he would go missing for hours (sometimes all night) after work.

    • UXWorld.
      Exactly! When did compartmentalise become a thing ? And specifically a cheater thing?
      My STBX uses this all the time too almost like it’s a special gift being able to separate out all the women you have in your life and don’t wrongly text the wrong one or tell the wrong lie to each. Not like chump me with my messy all in one brain where loyalty and trust and honour live quite happily alongside everything else.

      This is a huge ‘get out of jail free’ card too, handed to cheaters curtesy of the RIC.

      They all deserve each other with their compartmentalised brains. I’d like to compartmentalise some other bits of their anatomy too…..

      • Misuse of the term.. it’s supposed to be a HEALTHY coping mechanism when you have stresses in your life but still need to parent, work.. etc. They are confusing “compartmentalizing” with being “emotionally unavailable and/or dead.”

    • Gosh UX, the similarities in our stories is striking. When you give us a slice of your story, I automatically associate it with my own story, un-triggering for me though.

      Thats the good part – that I dont get triggered anymore. The even better part is you will also feel that same solace one day. Bitch.

    • Compartmentalize is now a buzz word for therapist. That’s where I heard it the first time. That women have a way on compartmentalizing things. Well, I don’t think it’s women at all. It’s fucked up self serving people! She’s a bitch for sure! Dragging your kids into it when it fits her agenda. My X was guilty of that too. I learned it was BS pretty fast though. I hope you compartmentalize her onto the street with the other scum like her!

      • “It’s fucked up self serving people!” Bingo lostntx!

        My X tried to convince me that MEN have a way of compartmentalizing things that, as a woman, I could not understand… Laughable to anyone knowing my field of research, but hey to cheaters any gas lighting means has to be leveraged when losing control over their chumpy spouse…

        If I ever were to break NC when he is trying to bait me, I would write something like “I am surprised that given your stated superior compartimentalization abilities while we were married, you haven’t been able to develop more civil co-parenting skills since I divorced you.” But it’s not worth the mental energy…

        And yeah, he played the “all this had nothing to do with you or how much I love you.” That was true enough, as his adultery showed me loud and clear that we had very different definitions of marital love and that our marriage had been dead for longer than I will ever know.

        A lot of inner work later, I now see more and more clearly that his choices had nothing to do with my worth, but had everything to do with how promptly I initiated divorce proceedings upon finding out that I had unknowingly married a lying cheating (and increasingly delusional) coward.

    • My STBXH used “compartmentalize” almost daily when we were still trying to “make it work”. It was he answer to “How could you?!!!!”.

      Love to see a new post on this. I just don’t know how one is able to divide themselves that way. Boggles my mind.

      • Jesus. It’s like there IS a manual floating around out there for these assholes! My STBX used “compartmentalize” to justify his actions too! The porn, the women, all “compartmentalized”… I told him “unbeknownst to you, your containers are leaking shit all over our lives, you asshole!”

        Sigh….is it Tuesday yet?!?

    • I’m shocked at the lunacy of what she said. She can and will compartmentalize with you but YOU can’t do that to her….so you have to say she is a good mother to the girls? Well, what about HER being a bad wife to you?? That is ca-razy.

      • I think perhaps we chumps are misspelling the word. It all becomes clear when written as “compartmenta-LIES.” Bless your heart, you tricky little homophone, you!

        • Dr. Skankenstein tried other verb tenses as well. Such as:
          I needed her because she would compartmenta-lay me in her backseat.
          Oops, I accidentally compartmenta-laid her on my last business trip that was really a vacation.
          He/she/it will be compartmenta-laying me in the bathroom at the state park.
          I intend to brazenly compartmenta-lie to you every chance I get.

    • Oh I heard that a lot, “you just can’t compartmentalize as effectively as I can”. WTF? He treats me like dirt, says cruel things, I don’t know where he is at night, we fight when he gets home and he’s arrogant about it, but if I wake with a headache in the morning, I can’t compartmentalize? And for a while he had me thinking it was my problem! Whenever he behaved badly, he’d focus on some make believe mental deficiency I had.

  • “It Has Nothing To Do With You”

    Aww, how noble for a cheater to say. And all this time I thought that cheaters were entitled, impulsive and selfish people who are able to supress empathy.

    Their faux nobility conirms they are empty.

    Line em all up and let God sort em out!

  • I am betting we all heard this one in one way or another. Sadly, it was one of those few, rare moments when cheater was actually telling us the complete truth. Too bad so many of us failed to take UBT in high school … it would have been just as important as learning tangents and cosines. Maybe more so.

  • It has nothing to do with you – until it’s time for somebody to take the blame for the affair – then it has EVERYTHING to do with you.

  • I put “compartmentalize” in the same category as “multi-task”. These are terms used by someone who has some type of power over you as an individual. It can be emotional power or economic power, for instance your spouse or your boss. That someone wants to let you know you are not quite good enough, especially when compared to them (perfection personified!). They have the power and the entitlement to judge your performance of some “menial” task which, if done properly, will “please” them. If not, then you are obviously not up to par!!!

    For instance, if you cannot put your emotional overreaction to discovering you have been lied to, cheated on, and are the victim of fraud aside, and just go ahead and calmly write out the bills for the month, and bathe and feed the children, while putting together a plate for him, and tidying up the house, and doing the laundry, so that he will have clean clothes for his “business” trip the next day (with Schmoopie) — then there is something seriously wrong with you. Why, he multi-tasks every day. He can pretend to work while he is actually cruising a dating site, masturbating, and sexting Schmoopie — all at the same time! He can compartmentalize his feelings — because he isn’t weighted down by things like morals or character. He can prioritize his way to momentary pleasure, over EVERYTHING ELSE! What a guy! You can only dream of having his vastly superior powers!

    My theory is that the same fellow who does this to you at home is also a Snake in a Suit at work, where he finds ways to have his subordinates do all of the work for him while he takes all the credit, but if anything goes wrong he is always ready to criticize and blame a subordinate. It is such a shame the subordinate cannot do all of her work and his, too. I mean, really, can’t you multi-task and compartmentalize? WTF!!!

    • I agree! I think they try to compartmentalize, but eventually their rottenness seeps into everything. Which they respond to by creating more compartments…
      I think my stbx has exhausted the dating pool/burned bridges in my city. That is why he is taking a new job elsewhere (even though he swore he would live here forever).

  • It has nothing to do with you

    I just can’t handle the responsibility of a family or life for that matter – it’s all way too much for poor little me – maybe if I sleep with my deceased brother’s wife I can take what she bought and paid for with the life insurance that was meant for the children and pretend that I am a hard working person who hasn’t gambled away every penny and doesn’t doesn’t neglect his child.

    • Those two sound like they were destined for and deserve each other. May the rest of their lives be filled with adversity and pain!

  • You are exactly right this time! It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with your character. Or your lack of character! I saw it in the beginning and just thought you made mistakes and were working to get better. Little did I know the Jesus stuff was just a cover up and a way that you could feel good about who you are. Jesus forgives me and so should everyone else. I pray about it! In the end, it is you. You lack values and a conscious! I hope your life without me there continues to head down the path of self-destruction.
    BTW – I’m in the anger stage still!

    • I’m in and out of anger stage! It’s completely justified. I’m bitter and SMH often at news, movies, tv shows, other people’s stories, etc. I realize it has a lot to do with my picker. Too many years of my life and many “relationships” with multiple cheaters. Thank God for this site, as I’m finally starting to see what I couldn’t. Sure…cheating is wrong, I don’t like being wronged, I leave them, but I can’t take any more blows, particularly from such callous, cruel pods. I am working hard on how NOT to be the magnet for sh*t anymore. It’s such a tough realization that 22 years of dating was a farce…

      • I totally understand. I’m working on who I let close to me and also working on my kids so they know how to pick others as well. For them, they grew up with disney mom and watching dad let her use him. I want them to know that other people using you and especially blaming you is totally wrong!

      • Work on your boundaries, people! There is nothing better than boundaries to repel toxic people!
        Use them, enforce them. Stay strong!

      • Thanks Enraged. Now we chumps have this lovely UBT. I filter much more through that meter than I ever did… Lostntx, your kids will be so thankful down the road. I guess I have to say that I’m glad I know now what I know. At first, not so much… LOL Sometimes I think we go through experiences to teach/help others. I do, at times, find solace in that…

    • Straight down the path of self-destruction and right into the gates of Hell. Jesus cheaters are the worst.

      You have every reason to be angry. Use it to continue to propel yourself forward in your new, cheater-free life.

  • His variation of this statement was, “Don’t take it personally.”

    It is the ultimate in narc speak to tell someone that they shouldn’t dare view their own lives and events that affect their lives “personally.”

    Did my climbing into bed with some whackadoodle put your physical health in danger? Don’t take it personally.

    Did my abandoning you and our family put you into an emotional tail spin? Don’t take it personally.

    Is your financial future now uncertain because of the selfish decisions I made without involving you or caring about how they affected you? Don’t take it personally.

    It’s funny how I wasn’t supposed to take any of that personally, but when I hired a lawyer he took that VERY personally.

    • “It’s nothing personal”. I heard that too.
      What can you do when you hear that? That door leads to a black, bottomless pit. Shut the door closed, lock, and throw the key.

    • Sounds all too familiar. My STBX told me a variant of ‘It has nothing to do with you,’ a few hearings ago while walking out of the courthouse after mutilating me for hours, trying to deprive me of kids, life savings, my decent reputation, and my dignity: ‘RockStarWife, it’s nothing personal. It’s [the act I give in Court is] just a game.’ Sociopath much? Isn’t this the stuff thrillers are made of?

  • This is the absolute truth, isn’t it? This is THEIR truth, in any case.
    I now know there are people walking this Earth, that are nothing more but empty carcasses, without a soul.
    This is their truth: it’s all about them. Entitlement, dishonesty, the end excuses the meaning, predators…whatever toxic people are, it’s all about them. It has nothing to do with honest people, that have a soul.
    They know what they are, they know exactly what they are doing. And it has nothing to do with honest people.
    The rest is just a web of lies, to keep humans in the dark.

    • This has nothing to do with you km so dont take it personally.

      Yep got that.

      My answer

      Yep i know cause asswipe you are a pod and i am not.

      That kind of cheaterspeak makes me so angry but angry towards pods is good. Keeps me safer.

  • “It has nothing to do with you,” makes me think of my STBX. When I ask him why he can fly his new girlfriend (who he met online approx. six weeks ago) from the Far East to the U.S. for a luxurious multi-state/tourist destination vacation but cannot split the cost of our kids’ lunch (I had the audacity to ask him to pay $3/day for the school-provided lunches HE insisted I buy), he tells me that his personal life is ‘none of my business’ (although he, according to one of my relatives, has posted tons of photos of his new girlfriend, a beautiful young fitness instructor and him on Facebook) and ‘I don’t ask you about [name of my boyfriend/fellow chump].’ (He can earn up to nearly $2000/day under the table, while the most I can earn is approx. $200/day, not under the table. Yet he has requested in writing the Court waive the requirement to pay child support in arrears to me to support our kids, who I have 80% of the time. What a f—tard. Sadly, as I am becoming unemployed this week, our kids and I rely upon him for financial support. I better find a decent-paying full-time job soon–no small task for someone with my profile.)

    Although his life and financial affairs, according to STBX are ‘none of my business,’ he pries into my life, asking our kids questions about my personal life. Every few days, he asks me directly how my boyfriend, who I didn’t start dating until many years after STBX started cheating on me and several months after STBX walked out and called the cops on me for purportedly molesting our kids and sexually assaulting HIM, is doing. (STBX is the master of projection, often accusing me of doing horrible things, most of which he does to me and sometimes others.) STBX doesn’t care how my boyfriend is doing. He just uses his ‘concern’ and ‘happiness for me’ to create letters to the Court and my lawyer containing false statements (e.g., ‘the guy you started dating two years ago,’ which implies that STBX had to divorce me because I was cheating on him, although I was faithful to STBX, who cheated on me). I tell him that I don’t feel comfortable discussing my personal life and leave the topic alone. Now that I think about it, it almost seems ironic that he angrily quizzes me about my love life although according to social media he is madly in love with his new girlfriend.

    Eager for the day, probably nine years from now, when STBX’s life has virtually ‘nothing to do with me.’

        • There is nothing SO delicious as finally taking the reins over the chuckwagon from the idiot.
          He always had full control and, just like *that*, he lost all control over to me once I filed for D and was always 10 steps ahead of him.
          I think I almost saw him swirl his head 360* one day when he realized that.

          I so enjoyed the control and kept rubbing my hands together, once I determined he finally figured out that his hands were completely tied by me. I learned a lot about the divorce laws while he was busy with his ‘fling’, and learned enough here about GPS marriage police, ducks in a row, etc.
          I physically hear him sigh really heavy when he lost a big contention – he said, I know nothing about this process. I’m totally out of my league. So, instead of learning about it, he just sort of caved.

          hehehehe

          Mr Control just disappears in a poof of shame with his tail between his legs.

  • Mr. Sparkles: “It wasn’t cheating. I knew I was done with the marriage.”

    UBT: Relationship… marriage… what’s the difference… each has equal relevance to me – which is to say, I value nothing intimate and I have no honor or integrity. SO – NINNY NINNY HA HA.

    • “It wasn’t an affair because I felt that you were just as done with the marriage as I was.”

      Then in the very next breath, “I couldn’t be honest and tell you about her because I didn’t want to hurt you.”

      Well how you could hurt me if, as you just said, I was done with the marriage? Idiot.

      • That sounds familiar… I got the, “I assumed you were just as unhappy, and you’d almost be relieved…”
        Also the, “I assumed you were cheating on my all along. I seriously considered paternity tests for both of our boys.
        WTF????? I was so faithful, even if I had a dream about being with someone else, I always had a moment in the dream where I went, “Wait, I’m married! I can’t do this! This would ruin my entire life!” But no, I was the suspected serial cheater…

    • I got this too. “Our marriage has been over for awhile. It is not cheating.” Really??? Is that why I was pregnant at the time? Is that why you were texting me that you loved me just days before you said things started with the young girl who used to work for you? Is that why you said you weren’t good with things heading toward divorce and you wanted to be happy with the kids and me?

      That is just fucked up. They will lie and ty to justify their actions with whatever they can. Otherwise, they would have to look inside and face how incredibly awful they truly are.

  • “It has nothing to do with you.” That strikes me as pretty close to “You’re not the boss of me,” with a bit of a side admonition to pay no attention and carry on as usual. In other words, “Don’t disturb my cake.”

  • I got an email from him spewing all the details of how he “fell in love” so it couldn’t be an “affair” if it was LOVE. That after 2 weeks, this “love” was so powerful that he was willing to lose it all-his job, his career, me… Then he said it had nothing to do with his love for me; it was SEPARATE, and people could love more than one person at a time, and if I really loved him, I should let him explore this new LOVE. And he wanted BOTH OF US because he had googled “polyamory and monogamish” and lots of other people were doing it, so I should, too. I thought he had gone completely nuts and was sooo delusional, and filed, which really upset him. I mean after 25 years of being faithful, he said he felt I owed it to him to let him have this one THING. So much wrong with all of that. Eventually he said he needed to “go on a solo journey to find his own identity”. Don’t even know if he still communicates with his new “soulmate” cos I went no contact. Not my problem. He has no integrity, character, honor. Discarded me and our family and brand new grandson. Still not sure what happened to a once decent man.

    • Makes you wonder if he was ever really decent in the first place…. A decent man does not put himself in a situation where he can be tempted by another.

      • That is sooo true. He had many versions of what happened. Another one was that in 25 years no woman had ever looked even a little interested in him (other than me, HIS WIFE) and THIS ONE found him interesting and attractive, so he couldn’t help himself, it felt so good. He knew right fro wrong but did it anyway. Another one was how her life story made him feel like he wanted to help/save her. I guess learning about her 4 marriages/affairs/broke up other marriages made him want to be her knight in shining armor??? She “awakened” him to the fact that his life with me was boring, she was exciting…she was the answer to why he was empty inside. I guess I never really paid attention to the red flags when we were dating. I thought my love was big enough to make up for his shitty childhood. WRONG.

        • Beowulf,

          Mine had this knight complex as well. He even admitted to wanting to “rescue” OW #2 from her fiancee and OW #1 was on her second marriage when they started their EA.

          It’s a narc thing for sure and mine had a pretty bad childhood as well. No one, not even their soul mate(s) can save them. He continues to look for other damsels in distress to feed his ego.

          He’s drawn to weak women but that’s also his downfall because once he has them, he realizes their weaknesses are repulsive to him and then he discards them.

          • Than what about me? I wasn’t weak when we met, I was fun and happy and outgoing, he systematically wore me down and made me insecure and timid, I was always trying to please him, to walk on eggshells. But once I became that weak, THATS when he discarded me, after a complete DEvalue.

            • Beowulf, you did nothing to deserve your cheater. He skillfully and insidiously turned you into what he thought he wanted: the damsel in distress. Unfortunately, he is not a knight in shining armor, but the keeper of the keys to the dungeon. Once these a-holes realize who they really are, and see in our eyes that we know it too, they have to discard us or face the mirror on the wall that no longer tells them they are the fairest of them all. Through devaluing and discarding they are giving us a bite of that poisoned apple. But you know what Beowulf? That story ends with the heroine “waking up” and living wisely, if not happily, ever after! Be mighty!

              • Yes, that is right, YDM. I’ve read a lot about narcissism of late to try and deal with the emotional abuse. I think I better understand why he held onto me for so long and the OW had such short shelf lives.

                We weren’t weak but we still fed them supply. Better supply than those cheap imitators they try to use to fill up their black holes. Even in their disordered brains they understand the difference between good supply and bad. But once their masks slip and we chumps see their true selves they realize the gig is up so to speak and many of them either try to hoover you back or will give you up as a lost cause because you require too much effort for them to try to win back.

                I never recognized the cycle of his devaluing and hoovering every time he realized I was pulling away and he would do a quick turnaround and appear loving and regretful which gave him the result he desired (my attention) and then he would quickly revert back to the demon again.

                It’s disturbing to think that someone you care so much about considers you a source to feed him and nothing more. But we are all so much more than that Beowulf.

          • Beowulf and D4G, the first instance I smelled an affair was when the STBX posted an FB stat of him being there for someone. There were no names mentioned but the post reeks of knight in shining armor complex, (I am paraphrasing a bit but it goes like “No matter what happens I will be here and suffer with you”) I knew who it was for since he kept telling me about this ho-worker who’s having problems with her BF.

            What a way to seek kibbles – chatting about women’s love life issues and pretending to be someone who cares for them.

            He is the sneakiest predator pretending to be a friendly/caring guy.

        • Belowulf – ‘She “awakened” him to the fact that his life with me was boring, she was exciting…she was the answer to why he was empty inside. ‘

          Well, you nailed that one! I know the witch had a lot of say in how boring I was. Things were coming out of his mouth that weren’t him. I was lazy? I was spoiled? I wasn’t supporting him in his career? With his health? And so many thing just out of the blue that stunned me.

          I mean, I just couldn’t believe this was all suddenly coming out of his mouth, when he never had issues with me and our lifestyle before.
          Also, since she was twice/weekly emailing me as my ‘best friend’, she heard me talking about how something was wrong in my marriage…blah blah. Girl talk but I’d never had to talk to anybody about this before. I even said, if I didn’t know better, I would think he’s having an affair. (she answered, men are such pigs) Oh man, she milked and milked me for information. Which she then, turned it all around to make me look like a fool he’d been married to for too long, and a lazy one at that. The evil was nakkid.
          He did say she said some very nasty things about me. Yeah, nice friend. And, why the hell would he let her get away with saying nasty things about his wife anyway? Yep, he really threw his soul away for this nasty one.

          • Wow, SheChump–that is cold. Bad enough to be screwing your best friend’s husband, but to playing double agent is a pretty chilling manipulation tactic. A double betrayal; I’m sorry.

      • I think my experience with this cheater/narc bs has made me overly sensitive because now I can’t even watch movies, television or even listen to songs with a cheater theme without getting angry. Like that song “Honey, I’m Good”

        I could have another but I probably should not
        I got somebody at home,
        And if I stay I might not leave alone

        So he’s saying “No” to some woman but one more drink and he might not be able to say “No” to her?

        All I get from those lyrics is that this guy’s loyalty is contingent upon his blood alcohol level. I never used to pick up on this stuff so I don’t know if that’s good or bad.

        • Done4good

          I think that being cheated on opens your eyes to the level of cheating and the mountains of idiot cliches that have amassed in the world. Where I live in a row of four townhouses, three of us are now chumps. (Sorry CL I probably did you out of royalties as my copy of your book has been hotfooting it around the neighbourhood).
          I think it’s a great sign that you pick up on this stuff now.
          It means you are the proud owner of your very own UBT.
          Congratulations! You can now officially discard any old pairs of rose tinted glasses and go ROAR at the world on your own terms. ??

          • I hate anything that smells like a cheater, songs, movies, tv shows, etc. I just think to myself “WRONG”! But yes, the rose colored glasses are off for sure!

    • The more I read CN and am no contact, the more I realize they all work out of the same play book of. “Poor Sad Sausage Me”, authored by Me Cause’ It’s Always About Me.

      STBX asked me to let him explore being on his own as he’d never been a selfish person. Translation: I want to explore the prostitute I recently met in a “Happy Ending” massage parlor but it’s tru wuv but couldn’t we keep the “family home” together?

      Hmmm…let’s forget about the dozens of previous one night stands, Ho worker affairs and sleeping with my best friend from HS just 10 months into our 35 years together. What selective memory cheaters have…

      The important thing is I am “awake” now and remember all of it. I’m writing a new book. It’s titled “Good Luck with Finding Yourself While Paying Me a Healthy Settlement and Paying for New Prostitute Girlfriend to Keep Your Bottomless Pit of Neediness at Least at a Shallow Level but I’m Finding Meh” Authored by Hello Beautiful Cheater Free Life

  • “Who are you texting with?” … “Mind your own business.” [She said to our child across the table during dinner out at a resturant.]

    “What’s so funny?” … “It doesn’t concern you.” [She said to our other child without bothering looking up from her phone.]

    “What did you do today?” … “Why do you feel the need to know what I’m doing every minute of each day?” [She said to me when I came home from work and needed to cook dinner for the family.]

    “Where did you go that day?” … “Nowhere. Why do you need to know?” [She said to me as I was examining the bill for the toll roads.]

    “What’s this charge for?” … “I don’t need your permission to buy whatever I want.” [She said to me as I was researching her purchasing history.]

    “Can I use your phone to look something up?” … “Why can’t you keep better track of your own phone?” [She said to me in a store one afternoon.]

    “What are you doing in there?” … “Why are you being so nosey?” [She said to me at 2:00 a.m. one night after I being awakened by the flash of her phone.]

    “Why are you so angry at me?” … “You mean you don’t know?” [She said to me one day after picking a fight over the correct way to peel a potato.]

    “Who the fuck is [insert name of her piece-of-shit boyfriend]??!!” … “Are you snooping into my private life?” [She said to me after I listen to a voice recording of her telling [insert name of her piece-of-shit boyfriend] how much she wants him to fuck her and how much she loves [insert name of her piece-of-shit boyfriend].]

    The cheating piece-of-shit fuckwits are absolutely correct… It has nothing to do with you.

    • Ah yes. “Are you spying on me?” Well, yes, as a matter fact I am, you perv. Now that I know you park your car at the park around the corner from the house, go stand in the far back corner behind a tree, and whack off while you talk to your boyfriend. Then come home and grace us with your company for dinner. Fucking asshole. Waiting on those divorce papers … come on mailperson!!!!

    • Same with my wife. Her cell phone was never more than 6 inches from her for years, like an appendage. And if she wasn’t holding it, it was laying on the table, face down, on silent. If I looked at her while she was texting all night long, she’d give a sarcastic…..”Whuuuut?” and then leave the room.

      She wanted her privacy, she’s going to get it when the divorce is final. And one of the things I look forward to the very most is never having to wonder where she’s at, who she’s texting, what she’s doing (or who she’s doing) ever again.

    • Those fucking cell phones!! Watching him text constantly Christmas Day two years ago and thinking he was texting his family and realizing two months later after finding his text logs that he was actually texting the Bunny Boiler and telling her, “I wish I was there with you.”

      Which really is kind of funny since we were living apart at the time during a period of wreckconciliation and he had convinced me to let him spend the night so he could wake up with our daughter to experience Christmas morning with her. If he had really wanted to spend it with his fellow fuckwit (even though I know she was spending it with her fiancee), by all means, he could have just told me that and I would have gladly obliged him.

    • BetrayedNoMore – OMG. That just threw shivers running up m back.
      What a fucking bitch, and in front of the children while eating dinner!
      What’s wrong with these people??

    • Betrayed No More – awesome summary. As I read your post I could hear the responses in my Ex-Assclown’s voice.

  • Here’s where “compartmentalizing” breaks down. When cheaters are “compartmentalize” to cheat on their spouses, they are taking the time, commitment, attention, financial support and love out of the “FAMILY” compartment and tossing that stuff into the AP compartment. That undermines the whole family, of course. Humans only have so much time and attention. We can “love” a lot of people, but as Stephen Covey once said in “Seven Habits of Highly Successful People,” people out doing good things for strangers is a failure if they don’t provide what their family needs from them (I am loosely paraphrasing.) First things first.

    • Cheaters probably believe that their chumps and kids can be put in the “safe” compartment, where they can be counted upon for their love and support without any additional effort required. This frees the cheater up to go out and look for extra adoration kibbles elsewhere. They don’t want to lose their families, which they see as maintenance free, thanks to their devoted chump. They just want more for themselves. It’s an entitlement thing.

      • Absolutely Survivor. Once mine lost his safe house, he became an even bigger stranger to me with his bizarre behavior. NC really helped to stabilize me and it ended up doing the opposite to him.

        • No, D4G. Your ex lost it all when he left that sweet support you provided. Ask around here how many chumps propped up their less than all that they thought they were spouses/partners for years. The answer is just about 100%. Instead of holding them steady and upright, we can and should look after ourselves. And not pay attention when they fall on their faces.

  • Actually, this whole “it has nothing to do with you” mantra, which I heard too many times to count, still hurts. It made (and makes) me feel invisible, because after 35 years of marriage I didn’t matter at all. It didn’t matter to make sure I was okay financially when he ran away. It didn’t matter that my heart was broken. It didn’t matter that I had done everything to take care of this selfish, always ill man. I didn’t matter at all. After him coming home and leaving me four times in five years because he “missed her so much”, it didn’t matter what happened to me or to our (grown) son. Our family friends didn’t matter, keeping a roof over my head didn’t matter, nothing did because it was twu luv. And then, the complete and utter silent treatment following his running in May 2015 confirmed that I didn’t matter. I would text and call and email and he ignored me like I didn’t exist. Left for dead. So this whole “you had nothing to do with it’ made me feel that I was nothing in my own life and even though I am now finally divorced and trying to get to zen (or meh), this still hurts.

  • Since the Protective Order guaranteed my NC, it was our college-age daughter who got this email from the Idiot:

    “I‘m sorry for my actions on January 11 (AKA the Night of the Guns). While my actions were wrong, it had nothing to do with the divorce. That had been coming for over 2 years and I could not stop it.”

    #ItHasNothingToDoWithMe#It’sAllYourMom’sFault#WorstApologyEver#Daughter2YearsNC#LikeABoss

      • My daughter is one year no contact. Her therapist said she had it figured out long before I did. Want to talk about like a boss?? She went to therapy because she was worried if she didn’t learn about narcissistic sociopaths, she may fall into some of those behaviors because she’s his daughter.
        Well, she hasn’t. She’s a smart beautiful college freshman that makes me proud everyday.
        Our kids are mighty.

        • It is no exaggeration to say that my 3 kids were the only reason I got out of bed every morning. I got dressed for them, I went to work for them, I put dinner on the table for them. But I especially wanted my 18-year old only daughter to see me model strength and resilience. I got a coffee mug with the following quote on it and I lift it in salute every day.

          Here’s to strong women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them!

              • Nothing wrong with wanting strong, healthy women to date, Ian. They are the only kind worth spending any time or energy on.

            • I actually thought that was sweet Ian. You might be amazed at the number of strong women who are left sadly available because they are viewed as too difficult to control or too much competition. Women are trained early to keep their mouth shut. Some of us just didnt get the memo!

              • Oh Dixie, they tried to shove that memo down my throat, I got away and shredded it instead. Then I soaked it in alcohol, then surrounded it with dry wood, and lit the whole thing up. The most satisfying part was to dance around that fire while singing “burn baby burn” from the top of my lungs :)!

  • I heard “I’ve loved you every minute for the last 19 years”. When I asked what he was thinking about me while he was fucking all those prostitutes, he said he wasn’t thinking about me then. I guess those minutes don’t count as minutes, or some such bullshit. Gee, I wonder why I sometimes feel like I’m insane.

  • That is such a double bind line. On the one hand, it’s supposed to make you feel better, and yeah it’s true in that you could never be perfect enough esp for a serial cheater not to cheat (mine told me I was the “the perfect girlfriend”). And yes the problem lies with them in that they choose cheating as a solution to normal relationship problems instead of communicating like adults. However, that realization that you basically didn’t exist at all for them when they had some strange in front of them, is so damn startling. When that hammer fell it took me months to get over it. My existence, health or feelings or our unborn child’s were absolutely NO deterrent. Breathtaking. And it’s not just the acceptance of “there are people like this” in the world that you have to swallow, but that you partnered with one. Wow. Thanks CL, great post!

  • Mine said his infidelity baby was nothing to do with me or any of my business after I found out about it. Nice, thanks for that. He also said it would not change his parenting to his existing children. But he turned into the shittest dad. Oh well

  • The version I got was “it has nothing to do with her” and “any discussion of reconciliation will be terminated at the first mention of her”…
    It had EVERYTHING to do with her and the fact that he was cheating with her, and any discussion of reconciliation that didn’t address HER was doomed to fail. Not sure why he didn’t “get” that.

  • I wish my ex had said his affairs had nothing to do with me. I’m pretty it would have backfired as I took his affairs rather personally, which, of course, he used to his advantage.

    No, according to my ex, they were my fault. Except for the first. We’d only been married about 2 years, together about 4, and I was still in the honeymoon phase. I wrongly assumed he was too. That one was chalked up to “old habit patterns.” It turns out he’d become accustomed to cheating on his previous spouse(s) and hadn’t quite made the leap into complete fidelity with me. Hence, “old habit patterns.” Still, my leaving shocked that infidelity habit right out of him. So he swore. The last thing he expected was to come home and find me gone. I didn’t confront. Instead I left a letter outlining why I thought he was having an affair, told him I wasn’t coming home until he left for his next trip (he travels for work), and checked myself into a not-distant-enough hotel.

    He tracked me down, and the siege began. He would not leave me alone. And it worked. I mistook his relentless intensity for remorse. I knew nothing about love-bombing or hoovering or sociopathy. And, God help me, I loved him.

    He explained the 2nd affair was because after the 1st affair “the light in my eyes went out.” It didn’t help that he did nothing to reignite the light in my eyes. He also stated he’d initiated this affair because I’d ceased to “shower him with love and admiration.” Of course the honeymoon was over! He’d cheated on me. Though I sometimes think if he’d been all he billed himself to be I’d still be in the honeymoon phase.

    The night I told him I wanted a separation he confessed that whenever he was mad at me he’d stop by his ex-girlfriend’s house on his way home from the airport and get a bj from her. I don’t know why this surprised me so much other than I knew her, she knew me, and we’d all gone to school together.

    The truth is none of his many affairs had anything to do with me. My ex is wicked smart, extremely capable, high-income, attractive, and the most charming and manipulative man I’ve ever met. It’d amaze me how he was able to get people to do the things he wanted them to do, without them realizing it. He’s also a predator. Getting women to fall in love with him is his favorite game. He once told me that he liked to prove to women who’d had their heart broken that they could love again, and after they’d open themselves up to him, proving to themselves that they could in fact love, he’d move on. He has many women in various love stages at any given time.

    We’re 4 years divorced, and I consider myself lucky I made it out alive. I’m also most grateful to the person who left the trail of breadcrumbs on SI leading to Chump Lady a couple months back. I’ve been following along at home, reading archives, and have done more healing in the past few months than I have in the past 4 years.

      • Thank you for the welcome, FindingBliss. Today was the first day I’ve put any part of my story out there. Reading and lurking, it’s time for me to step into the light and find my voice again.

  • The STBX kept telling me to “Stop thinking about her” (Schmoopie). What? Burry my head in the sand and pretend everything is fine and dandy. IF you don’t think of it, it doesn’t exist does it?? That kind of thinking is probably why he can do what he does. Compartmentalize.

  • When i asked X why he thought I didn’t deserve to know about the affair, he said ” none of this has anything to do with you, it’s none of your business “. Ass.

    • Yeah, it never seems to be any of our business does it?

      The evidence I discovered of OW #2 consisted of hundreds (yes hundreds) of pages of his cheater app texts downloaded into a word document. First he told me to stop reading it (I couldn’t). Then he wanted me to delete it (no chance). Finally, he asked me what I was going to do with it.

      I told him,”That’s none of your business.” Right back at you babe.

  • My cheating husband also said..”it’s not about you.” Translation..It’s all about him. What he wants, who he wants when he wants, where he wants. It took me a long to see that I could dance naked on a pole for him, engage in any sexual fantasy he had, be skinny, succesful, a great housewife, mother etc. He would love all that and still cheat. So I stopped pretzeling and started enjoying every f**ing day to my liking. He just isnt worth my energy.

  • When I got the letter from THE other woman (there were multiple simultaneously involved with the big work traveler) he was across the country on business. In a premeptive move- to calm me down and do damage control (keep me in the dark as much as possible and avoid ANY consequences to him)- he sent this BS email, which eerily felt somewhat comforting as I was going from angry to sad to confused to shocked. The subject line…I Love you. ( uhh….no you don’t)

    “I’m sorry for what we are going through. I’m sorry for the letter you received today. I’m sorry that I haven’t treated you better or found a way to improve our marriage. As I told you, I am in a bad place and I’m sure that it most likely is something that I will have to work through and not something that falls on you. I am committed to that.,,,, To figuring out how to love again. I don’t feel spiritual, don’t feel good at all emotionally about myself. I know I am lucky to have someone in my life as strong and spiritual as you. Someone as committed and loving as you.”

    This turned out to be the only day he said it was not about me, and it fell on him. Once I kicked him out 24 hours later, it was a complete reversal- He NEVER loved me, stayed for the kids, all my fault, he is so ridiculously happy now that I am gone…

    Note one thing was constant- entitlement, and focus on him, him, him. “Let’s not look at your pain or the kids, look at my pain, my need for love, my cheating heart ‘s needs, oh, and did I mention that these women LOVE me for me and accept me as I am?”

    • Wow. I could have written this…

      It is all about trying to manipulate us. They will say whatever they think will give them what they want even when they “don’t know what they want”.

      • Absolutely. Mine knew me inside and out. He knew that I believed in a coveneant marriage and forgiveness and loved our family and would protect it any way I could. Isn’t heart wrenching to know that the manipulation by tugging on our heartstrings was a game they were playing and not anywhere near the truth? He played me well, but eventually, the light was turned on and I could see him for what he was- self serving, lying manipulator who used my heart because he didn’t have one. Now I have mine, and he still none as far as I can tell!

  • I heard this on Dday, “We should have divorced 5 years ago as it would have been easier on you.” WTF? It’s been almost 7 years since Dday & 4 1/2 since since divorce & never has any of it been easy for me.

  • god all these assholes.
    I asked, “what about our entire history together?”
    He said, laughing/smirking, “She doesn’t care about any of that!”
    “Any of that.” those are the words that were seared into my brain.
    Narc – speak.
    “That” = our entire history and life together, just an indeterminate pronoun.
    A thing. A “that.”

    None of our shared life together meant anything to him, not one iota.
    “Who is she?” I asked.
    He answered, “I am not at liberty to say.” Pronouncing the “T” very distinctly, Lib-er-Tee.
    WTF??????????????

    Three years later and free, I realize this THING I was living with was a SOCIOPATH.
    But at the time, it was so hurtful as others have shared above.
    You poured your heart out, gave you soul, supported the THING, pumped up its ego.
    Like me you may have financially supported the parasitic thing too.
    And like, me, allowed IT to emotionally, sexually or psychologically abuse you.
    None of “That” sacrifice means anything to these empty hulls.

    So in the end, yes, it is indeed not “about you.”
    A phrase that was screamed at me, countless times over sixteen years.
    Ex was having a narcissistic rage meltdown, so very frustrated was he with how the Universe was “laughing at him” and everyone had it so much easier than him, and his life was so very very hard, and I didn’t “validate” him.
    After three or four hours of listening to him berate me, I meekly would try to explain myself.
    The very moment I uttered anything containing the words “I” or “me” to explain why I did whatever enraged him, or to promise I wouldn’t do it again, or just to say how I was feeling in that moment, he would interrupt me, screaming, spittle sometimes drooling down his lower lip:
    “IT’S NOT ABOUT YOUUUU, MUSE!!!”
    “Why do you insist on talking about yourself??!~~”
    Silly me I thought a relationship had two people in it and that it would matter how we BOTH felt.

    I put up with this abuse for sixteen years but never suspected him of cheating or lying.
    So when I did, and found out he was, and then eight months later found the evidence of the previous affair, it really solidified for me that it truly never ever was even slightly about me.

    Thank god that is over now.
    Still stacking up my Meh building blocks and am almost all the way there now, three years out.
    To OW, not that I care, hey bitch, it’s not about YOU either.
    That’s YOUR baby now.

    • The Muse – ‘He said, laughing/smirking, “She doesn’t care about any of that!”.

      omg, that just chilled me to the bone. SHE doesn’t care about ‘any of that’.
      Who the fuck cares what she cares about?
      What a total mindfuck his mind is.

    • these Narcs are all the same. they think their AP is special and its Twu Wuw. yeah, she’s so special that she would get involved with a married man while her STBX is missing overseas. and oh yeah, did she mention that they are so over and she just conveniently wanted to divorce since my STBX came on the scene? becoz my STBX is her meal ticket for her and her 2 kids (fathered by 2 different men). my STBX just shrugged then said that “it’s complicated” – with regard to the 2 kids. he also told me that ‘it’s nothing to do with you” and he just needs to find “happiness” . so ironic that he will abandon our 2 kids to go support 2 kids from 2 other men. seriously F*&ked up skein – as CL reminds CN time and again (thank you – Tracy, you are the voice of reason !). U know, I stumbled around so many websites like SI, IHG, etc before I found you. And now I only read CL!

      it’s been almost 4 months since DDay. the Divorce will be finalized in 2 weeks – YES!!!! I really want to close this chapter of my life and say adios to the disordered narc – YOU ARE HISTORY! The pain is still throbbing but the tight chest pains are more manageable now. No contact – you are worth it! the only thing is still feel bad about is that my 2 kids only get a weekend dad not. But hey, I can live with that if it means that we get this flaming control freak entitled narc out of our lives. And he still loves to create drama from time to time, blaming me for him having to seek strange elsewhere , and making himself out to be the victim at the mercy of an ex half his size. Let’s move on already, buster. You are right, it’s nothing to do with you. so let go of the drama and let everyone get on with their lives and you with your life of “happiness ” with the AP/future wife. Post D day, I unfriended all his clan on Facebook/instgram, you name it. Cut it off, let it go. life is too short to waste it on scums.

  • This is my first comment on CL. My D-Day was 3 months ago. I was told it had everything to do with me. That he had been so miserable, that living with me for 12 years had been hell. That I was lazy, spoilt, stubborn, barely present and a near infant. That my neglect of him was tantamount to emotional abuse and I had not done anything to support him for the last 5 years. When I told him that we could still fix our marriage (desperate I know!) he told me that I was incapable of making a marriage work and needed therapy (and that’s just the tip of the iceberg). In short I was the anti-christ and the worst wife in the world. Half the challenge these last months has been to get his words out of my head. I mean I’m not perfect, who is. But we’d been married 12 years, had 3 kids, the youngest just 2 years old. If I was such a monster surely I would have revealed my horns sooner?

    • Jedi Hugs GloryBee! So many rewrite history to make themselves feel better. Exasshole told me I abused him for 17 years…that’s why he convinced me to marry him at year 12? See how that doesn’t work? Don’t take any of the blameshifting or other shit seriously. In fact if you examine his words you will often find that what he’s accusing you of is in fact what he did. It’s projection. Do find a good therapist to talk to, not because he said it, because it may help you get through.

      • Thank you for taking the time to respond. I’ve loved reading all the posts on this site. They’ve oven me strength (and made me laugh) when I’ve needed it most.

    • Sorry that you are here, Glory Bee, but welcome. I find that if you post in the same day’s forums, there is more chatter. Something for you to consider when you need to chat with us. Happy to have you… I can be pretty shy compared to some of the other more tenured chumps, but here I am to welcome you!
      Just to respond to something you said that resonated with me and many of us, I tried to talk with my cheater about his jekkyl and Hyde personality and how he would bully me along with family members that he always only told one side of the story to… My cheater’s response was to tell me that he too was a victim!That I was emotionally abusive to him by accusing him of lying and cheating on me, when in fact, he would Neeeeeeever cheat on me. They are all the same and so sad when they have children and they still can’t be better people even for them, at the very least… So sorry for your pain.

      • Thanks for the welcome and the tip about posting. I’ve still got whiplash from trying to keep up with his train of thought.But what’s been such an eye opener is reading the comments on this site. I almost believed what he said or at least I kept trying to make sense of it. Until I realised that he’d virtually been quoted verbatim by so many of the other cheaters I’ve read about on CL.They all say the same things! It’s unbelievable! I’m still in shock!

        • You are only 3 months out, it will get better. You cannot reason with a liar, they just turn everything back onto you. Next thing you know you are on defense with no clue how you got there. It definitely helps when others relate the same experience. Helps keep you from believing the bullshit.

          Peakyblinders is correct, if you post on the daily blog people will respond. I don’t come as often as I used to so I read the older posts. Take care of yourself, sounds like you are getting clear!

        • @GloryBee. if it’s any comfort, my ex said tons of bad things about me and to me – “greedy”, “do not know the concept of sharing”, “user” etc etc. Exactly how? 2 kids, 19 years of marriage. did everything for the kids and family while working – chauffeur, cook, tutor, nanny – you name it! and exactly who was the user and liar here? when they show you who they are – believe them – it hurts, I know. Like CL says, we can only control ourselves – we cannot control them. And I had such nightmares of him and AP for the first couple of months, PTSD anxiety attacks and my self esteem received such a big hit. Agree that I was not perfect but hey, it takes 2 to make a marriage work. Don’t blame yourself for what you should have done, could have done – even if you had done what you should have – there is no guarantee that the outcome would have been different since it’s really how HE PERCEIVES your actions. and likely, his resentment and craziness has been building up over a long long time – he just mentally checked out without the decency to inform you of inpending disaster and exit ahead. either way, this person has no respect for you. He destroyed your trust, abandoned the kids, broke up the family for AP . time to cut our losses and go. (yes, I did the pick me dance for abit but it was humiliating and exhausting – it’s not a contest with the AP over this dogturd! ). Soldier on, GloryBee – CN are behind you everystep of the way (HUGS)

          • Thanks mehmehdancer. And you are so right. I remember speaking to him last summer, telling him how worried I was that we were disconnected and that we needed to try harder to work on our marriage. The next day he picked a fight with me, saying that I was chaotic, couldn’t think 5 minutes ahead of myself and that there was something wrong with me. Now I know he had just started his affair then. I begged him to go to marriage counselling and I spent 9 months listening to everything that was wrong with me. I sent him emails apologising for all the ways I might have failed him, told him I wanted to be a better wife but all I got from him was all the ways he didn’t find me attractive anymore and why he wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore. In a way it was a relief to find out about the affair. To finally know once and for all that all that the abuse and mind games was nothing to do with me. I’d been hanging around waiting for the guy I fell in love with to show up but he’d been replaced by this cold SOB.

  • Welcome Glory Bee; too bad you’re part of a bad couple, but I think it’s great you’re away from him. There’s nothing worse than having some self-entitled creep making you feel badly because THEY are f**king around.

    I sometimes wonder if these narcs aren’t issued a handbook with all the same phrases in them when they get out of puberty. There’s no way they are all so much on the same vocabulary, etc, when they decide to start screwing around.

    Hang in there–you’ll be at Meh eventually. Just remember: No Contact. It is the Truth and the Light.

  • Welcome GloryBee; too bad you’re part of a bad couple, but I think it’s great you’re away from him. There’s nothing worse than having some self-entitled creep making you feel badly because THEY are f**king around.

    I sometimes wonder if these narcs aren’t issued a handbook with all the same phrases in them when they get out of puberty. There’s no way they are all so much on the same vocabulary, etc, when they decide to start screwing around.

    Hang in there–you’ll be at Meh eventually. Just remember: No Contact. It is the Truth and the Light.

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