My ex cheated on me throughout the entire duration of our relationship, including through my pregnancy and the birth of our first child, With randoms online, randoms in bars, randoms in general. But then also with his ex before me – and she was the ongoing emotional affair that ultimately culminated in the worst of the pain. I called him on my way into labor & delivery and the first thing he did was tell her he was about to be a dad and he proceeded to talk to her the whole trip to the delivery room. After our child’s birth, he contacted her again immediately and they began talking about their relationship together. She told him he should get a paternity test and he told her he agreed. He then told her that it should be her. I am angriest about this comment over anything else that occurred.
Brings me to today. I was the on-the-fence chump. Tried to make it work, despite all signs telling me he wasn’t truly remorseful or humbled. And he stayed in contact with her on and off, claiming I don’t respect their “history” and their “friendship.” He maintains now he hasn’t spoken to her in months but, then, how many times have I heard that.
I could go on so much more about the cruelty and disrespect, but I don’t need to. I’m about to have our second child (conceived during “reconciliation”). I don’t want to invite him to the birth. I don’t want to give the child his last name. I don’t want him texting his OW about MY labor and delivery when she is not a part of this family, nor is she entitled to this information. She knew about me the entire time. Her family told her she was being inappropriate and needed to butt out. Her new boyfriend left her for the messages she was sending my ex. Am I being petty or is it reasonable to not call until after the birth? And to give the child my last name?
He’s an okay father. He loves our daughter, he cares for her. He’s never paid a dime in child support (then, she’s only 18 months old) and he does not make sacrifices for her. He’s had the pleasant distinction of two separate lives — daddy days (two days a week scheduled visitation) and then his bachelor days. But that may also be how custody works. I get her every other day, I get custody — I’m grateful for that and it’s worth the sacrifice.
I don’t know how much of this is pertinent. My main question is — am I out of line to not let him in the room for the birth of our second child? He makes me uncomfortable and anxious and, as I recently initiated no-contact and broke it off for good, wounds of his most recent betrayals are fresh. This isn’t about me or him or her, it’s about bringing a new life into the world. I don’t know whether or not I’m being childish or chumpish.
(Not Creative Enough for Nick Name)
Dear Not Creative (but procreative),
No. You’re not out of line to banish this guy from the delivery room. The only people you want in a delivery room are people who love you and people with drugs. (And frankly, you won’t care about the former as much as the latter.) He’s worse than useless — he’s a source of pain. And when you’re pushing 8 pounds of baby through your nether regions, you don’t need more pain.
Reading your letter, I don’t see mention of marriage or divorce lawyers, so I’m assuming you are unmarried. Please listen to me carefully here — YOU STILL NEED A LAWYER. Just because you don’t need an attorney to dump his cheating ass, you DO need a lawyer to work out visitation and child support. You’ve got an 18-month old child that he pays ZERO support on? Oh darling, that shit stops RIGHT NOW. You call that child support office IMMEDIATELY and you get the support your child deserves.
You also need a lawyer to work out custody. I’m very confused by your letter. He sees the 18-month old two days a week? Every other day? You have custody? What’s the deal?
This is what I’m sensing — you have “custody” in the sense that you pay for everything and do all the child rearing. He has “daddy time” when it suits him. Quit being a chump and get a FORMAL, legally binding agreement in which he pays SUPPORT and visitation is clearly spelled out, including holidays, medical insurance, extras, etc. and you have PHYSICAL custody.
If you have some kitchen table agreement and you think he’ll agree because gosh, you’re the mother of his children? Put down the hopium pipe. He’s a cheating, lying asshole. Call a lawyer NOW. Protect those babies. They get your loyalty, not him.
Also, in my opinion, 18-month old babies should not be in every other day custody arrangements. Hell, I’m not even sure about overnights. You deserve a break, but not a 50/50 split with a man who does jack shit and expects you to foot the bill.
Let me say it again — CALL A LAWYER. A lawyer can also help you with new baby concerns, like does the asswipe’s name go on the birth certificate? If you can afford it, consider formally making him persona non grata. No support, but no sharing your child with a fuckwit. Anyways, these are legal issues, and you need LEGAL HELP.
I’m just an advice columnist who decodes mindfuckery. Let me help there.
She told him he should get a paternity test and he told her he agreed. He then told her that it should be her. I am angriest about this comment over anything else that occurred.
It should be her. She deserves every ounce of misery this fuckwit has put you through. Please let her have him. I think she needs to be in a delivery room having his baby while he texts someone else and questions the paternity of her child. She deserves that plus three days of back labor without an epidural and an elephant-sized baby with a two-foot head circumference.
Tried to make it work, despite all signs telling me he wasn’t truly remorseful or humbled. And he stayed in contact with her on and off, claiming I don’t respect their “history” and their “friendship.”
Fix your picker, NC. You weren’t in reconciliation, you were in a pick me dance, which resulted in another child. You will never regret your child, but you will suffer a lot of consequences from breeding with a fuckwit. Your child is an innocent. You owe it to your kids to wise up, get smart, and protect them, because their father sure as hell will not.
You didn’t “respect” his history with the OW? Bullshit. He doesn’t respect ANYONE except the greedy little whims of his dick.
He’s an okay father. He loves our daughter, he cares for her. He’s never paid a dime in child support (then, she’s only 18 months old) and he does not make sacrifices for her.
He’s not an okay father. He does NOT love your daughter. Love is showing up. Love is COMMITMENT. Love is paying child support. Love is not hurting his children’s mother. Love is making sacrifices.
Do not raise another generation of chumps. Don’t let them accept crap behavior and tell them it’s “love.” YOU love your children. He is a sperm donor. As such, in the delivery room, he gets all the rights and privileges of a human turkey baster. Which is to say, leave him alone in a drawer. Frankly, you’d get more loving support from a turkey baster. Good luck.