Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Moments of Meh

MEHMeh, that Promised Land of indifference. Many have reached its shores, others see it in the far-off distance, and some just have to take our word for it that Meh exists — they aren’t there yet.

Meh, for the newbies, is that beautiful place of acceptance, where you Trust That They Suck, you see the true crappy person there, and you no longer feel enmeshed in the drama.

Meh is when the cheater flips through the three channels of mindfuckery — rage, charm, and self-pity — and it does. not. work.

Poor boo is frothing at the mouth in fury? Not my problem.

Mr. Sparkles would like another chance? No thanks. I’ve got more improving ways to spend my time. Unclogging drains. Cleaning up dog vomit. Wiping up spills with Esther Perel articles…

Sad Sausage needs a hug? Call Schmoopie.

Meh! Ain’t it grand?

Today’s Friday challenge is to share your moments of meh. You might not be totally there, but meh comes on gradually. You’ll have moments where you’ll realize — OMG I don’t GIVE A SHIT! Hallelujah!

Tell us about it. TGIF!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • Good Lord Tracy, there are over 800 responses! Wow, do you have a lot of work coming up. Betcha we will hit 1000 posts!

    • My Meh moment was Black Friday. Instead of going out shopping I decided to clean out the attic. It turned into a glorious evening. I found my wedding dress, which I thought I had thrown away. I didn’t. So I wanted to see if that sucker fit… It didn’t (not well anyways).

      In that moment I drank a glass of wine (in my wedding gown) and decided to take photos of myself, in my wedding dress, which I later turned into a video. It was probably one of the funniest most freeing things I have ever done in my life. I took photos of myself sipping wine in front of the fire, sitting with the dog, reading a book, in my cowboy hat and boots, cooking, with the veil, without the veil, and the list goes on.

      I made the video and attached the song “I’m so fancy” by Iggy Azalea. It was so FREEING!! I felt nothing for ex-hole. The dress held no meaning, it wasn’t holding me hostage to memories or feelings of sadness or even regret.

      I am a very sarcastic person and I love to laugh and that night the real me was back, finally!!

        • Oh my gosh that is the best!!

          It reminds me of National Lampoons Christmas Vacation in which Clark Grizwald (Chevy Chase) got locked in the attic and was doing similar things – as a male! The picture has been painted very well Bamboozled! Just awesome.

          • Love that movie! Only problem is that it’s a trigger now. Griswold is the last name of one of the ho-workers. ?

            • I’m sorry, can I try to to put the smiles back on you? ….:) 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

              Just remember NIKWHLL, with a name like “Griswold” that should explain the dysfunction in the ho-worker. More smiles for ya,,,,:) 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

            • That movie is a trigger for me now, too. The ex and I watched that movie every single time we put up the Christmas tree. I should have known something was totally off our last time putting up the tree with the kids. He was acting strange and distant; ho-workers and thinking about divorcing your wife to fuck the new whore will do that to a cheater.

      • Excellent choice to take back your power and personality! Laughter is the best!

        So glad you could have fun with it and turn it into a powerful statement of freedom and healing.

      • So awesome Bamboozled! Iggy Azalea’s songs are cool 🙂

        (She has been chumped too.. Right after she got engaged).

      • Bamboozled, I put a match to my wedding dress on the Primos grill I gave my wasband for our 24th wedding anniversary… it was cathartic! I have reached the utopia of MEH!

  • Just this last week at his parents house, where he has his visitation with the children, STBXH said, “Don’t pretend you care about me.” … I kid you not, within his words, I could see it. He broke character.

    He is always acting (AKA lying). …but this time I saw it. I could see the mismatch between the words and his expression. Acting… Lying… Faking it… Like we weren’t together 8 years. Like I don’t intimately know him. Did he, just for a moment, forget I was not one of the randoms who will fall for his crappy acting skills? Oh meh… I can see you on the horizon!

      • Wish I had been of that mindset and thought of saying something similar when X said to me, “you never loved me.”

        Who told you? the secrets out.

        • @brit – On DDay, my then-husband said “but I love you…”

          I shot back something along the lines of “we obviously have very different definitions of love.”

          He never tried that again.

          Since then, he’s clearly shown that he can change word definitions at will, while failing to inform anyone else of that change…

          This is why NC is so central to chump recovery, it allows us to stop exposing our mind to their manipulative toxicity.

  • I am still in the process of the divorce (we own a partially cash business). He recently stopped paying the mortgage so I filed for temporary support. He’s supposed to paying $989/month. I just got a deposit of $456.64 and thought awww……poor baby needs money for his new GF. It is all my lawyers problem now, not mine!

  • How do you know the difference between being emeshed bc you’re not meh and every-idiotic-thing he does by way of mistreating the kids or not complying with a decree angers you; and just being bat-shit angry at the way he treats your children and how he uses them to get under your skin?

    • That’s where you have to trust that he sucks AND expect that he will continue to be a jerk doing jerk things. There is no co-parenting with a disordered nitwit. He won’t step up to the plate and do what’s right. Let your anger be a motivator in finding ways to cope without his help. Journaling and documenting the BS I dealt with was a great emotional outlet for me. I wrote it out on paper to get it out of my system and then I made a conscious effort NOT to think about it every waking moment. It’s hard to do, but necessary for your own sanity.

      You only have control of how you react and respond to life’s injustices. It IS infuriating when our exes do idiotic and cruel things for selfish reasons. Anger is a call to action, but don’t let it consume you. Do what you can to make sure your children feel loved, secure, and protected emotionally and physically with you. If your ex is not holding up his end financially with the divorce decree, sic your lawyer on him. If he’s trying to play head games with you, refuse to play along. Gray Rock and No Contact as much as possible.

      You will find your footing again and Meh will follow in time!

      • Plus one to this. Get it outta the heart and onto the page. Soon, this ritual will translate to meh as you continue to see a narc acting like a narc, time after time. Nothing you can do about it. Meh will follow!

        • I am getting therapy from the Institute of Relational Harm Reduction the website is saferelationshipsmagazine.com. (Women Who Love Sociopaths and How to Spot A Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved books by founder Sandra L brown) One of the exercises I did was to start a Him Journal. One page for every year with him.
          When you have a memory that pops up Jot it in the journal in the year it happened as best as you recall. Just enough to recall the incident not enough to trigger you. It really made it apparent his disorder is pervasive and ongoing, one of the hallmarks of a cluster B. It also helps you get these memories out of your brain because you have a place to put them when they pop up.

          • I have been journaling for almost four years, throughout the whole process. It is amazing how writing it down brings clarity. Sometimes I look back over the years and it seems like someone else’s life, then I think, how did I survive all that!

            • The whole experience is surreal to me now, too. I feel pretty damn proud of myself for having pulled myself out of a truly bad situation. Facing the unknown and starting over when I was 46… Terrifying!! But here I am 6 years later, happy and free and truly loving life again!!

              Cheers to all the brave chumps out there!!

            • I too read some of my jounal and freak that I went thur si much emotional shit. I feel so sorry for this person I’m reading about the pain this poor person was in, then I realize too, how did I make it?

              My meh came, almost 6 yrs past, when I told my son, I wished my estranged huband, his father, held fall in love again. Held find happiness again.

              My son doesn’t get it? ((26 yrs old)) loves his father, but doesn’t think he deserves to be happy. He cheated on us…

    • Just not sure, I don’t think meh means the dumb shit stops getting under your skin. Because when somebody fucks with my kids or my finances or my life….trust me, that shit still gets me pissed.
      For months after he left when I was still willing to pick me dance a little, when he would call I would kind of take this breath when I saw it was him and kind of say to myself ” don’t mess this up”, now if he calls I say “ugh….wtf does he want??” to myself. That’s my meh.
      I don’t have to trust that he sucks, I know he does.

      • Paintwidow, boy do I remember that place of Pick Me Dancing and the “don’t mess this up” self-talk whenever I had contact with him. Nearly complete self-abandonment. I put such pressure on myself to be perfect. It’s been two years since he walked away from our 20 year relationship, and I’m about 70% of the way to meh (it’s tough around the holidays). I’m proud of myself. I’m surviving, and at times I really didn’t think I would.

    • I think it’s similar to having a shitty coworker, instead of a shitty Life partner. Which is to say, when someone I work with pisses me off because of something they did or didn’t do, I can call them on it, deal with it, and move on. Whereas when it was XH, everything HURT, it was all so personal (or seemed/felt that way)… until Meh.

      When I had IRS problems with XH earlier this year (it’s been about two years since Dday for me), every time he’d send an email with his excuses, etc., I was just like, “Oh, god, THIS guy — he just cannot get his shit together and nothing is ever his fault,” (aggravation, frustration, anger) instead of “He’s always been this way! If he really cared about me, he’d pay the fine/tax, and I’ll bet he’s spending that money on Schmoopie and taking her to Hawaii and …” (hurt, injustice, pain) blah blah blah. See the difference?

    • Say, maybe,something like you child calling in a whisper to say “mom, dad doesn’t have any food in the house because he’s going on a trip tomorrow, can I stop at your house on the way to school and pack myself a lunch?”

      You trust that they suck and be the sane parent. “Of course you can.” And know it’s one more example your child will get to see of you being the sane, with it parent who always has his back. Not that this happened to me recently or anything,but I think it’s a good example of me getting to meh. Go me!

      • AOK,

        My ex doesn’t keep food in the house either! took several months for kids to tell me and for me to figure out that he was having son make lunch with week old lunch meat because “the package says it’s still good”. Yes, it’s still good until you open it and then you have 4 days to use it, not a week dipshit! Had a kid with the runs for a week after that….talked to son and said, “just buy lunch for school when you are at your dad’s”. Problem solved! These little events let me know that I’m every closer to Meh.

    • I’m not sure I’m gonna be able to explain this right but the worst thing that you can have is any sort of expectations. Do not expect him/her to behave normally or to have normal reactions, do not expect him/her to behave properly or respond as a good parent would to your children. That is what used to set me up for despair and anger and kept me from “meh”.
      Approach every single thing in your life as a single individual even as it pertains to the children. Assume nothing, don’t figure anything is obvious, approach it all with a solo mentality and expect nothing. Do this, with as much “no contact” as the situation allows and “MEH” will be yours sooner than you can imagine.

      • I like your share. ..it helps me…I kind of have been doing this recently without realizing that is why I feel better. ..divorcing him so some contact for practical issues. ..move issues, etc. But the more I think of each communication as an incident on its own…I can more easily not obsess, or have emotional overload..I was telling my therapist how I just don’t care enough any
        more to get into any sharing with narc
        ..it’s like he’s someone else’s annoying, mean child , 5 yrs old!
        Ignore behavior and go to different room in my brain.
        I am no longer on emotional hook that causes me to respond to bait.
        Tried to bait me with dumb accusations about how I left , etc. via email..
        No response.
        Anyway, thanks for taking time to share what works as it clicked with my out of the fog phase Aha moments.

      • This hasn’t been that hard for me because I became conditioned early on to have few expectations of him, and eventually, none. I did have to break myself of the habit of telling him everything, and seeking his approval. I sure don’t miss his criticism! He expected me to act as his surrogate in matters with the kids – he wanted me to do things how he would have done them had he been there (instead of spending time with APs).
        We never co-parented, so it is really liberating to do things according to my philosophies alone and not give a damn about his 50s era parenting ideas. (My sisters say he is a Mad Men father. I never watched the show, but the description seems to fit him well.)

  • Two incidents that crack me up. When I was still Facebook friends with him (post d-day – I am a gold medal chump) he saw that I was going to a ball and texted me at 6pm the night of (it started at 6:30) that he wanted to pick up the Murano glass set the next day. I didn’t put two and two together until later. I replied it was fine and asked what time? 2pm. He picked it up without bubble wrap or a box – he was obviously upset I had a life – it was worth over $1000.
    The second incident was when I asked for him to provide a written list or highlight the Moneygram payments on the bank account. When my lawyer chased it up he wanted the coffee machine. I gave it to him happily as I don’t drink coffee and was sick of it being on the kitchen bench.
    Both times I had zero feelings about the stuff. A great life does that for you. I am at meh.

    • So, he was trying to get into your head just before you went out?
      Did he expect you to have it wrapped and ready?

      • I think he thought two things – 1. That it would upset me (it didn’t). 2. That he couldn’t be bothered wrapping it because he is lazy and as I realise now, he values nothing.

  • I think it’s important to note that the land of Meh is not Nirvana, a state of total perfection.

    By Chump Lady’s definition (none of the pathetic tactics work, you’ve turned the corner and are moving on), I reached Meh sometime around the time 4am 4ever introduced me to Chump Nation and I started reading everyone else’s stories. I was already on my way there, as Kunty Kibbler kept constantly demonstrating her supreme shittiness. With each overnight ‘outing’ with a ‘friend,’ with every ‘come hither’ selfie and self aggrandizing commentary on social media, and with every turn through the channels of mindfuckery, Meh was easier and easier to accept.

    But that doesn’t mean there still aren’t challenges — weekly, hourly, DAILY. These rotten anchors leave a residue that unfortunately will be with us in some form, probably forever. Like any scars left over from some injury.

    To me, Meh means (1) accepting who and what they are, clearly and with as much objectivity as possible, and (2) being able to deal with them accordingly and effectively without upsetting the rest of your life or those around you.

    When they’re just another entry on the roster of necessary annoyances that we all have, I think you’re in good shape. My opinion.

    • I remember reading Chump Lady say that you can’t ever truly achieve Meh until you are divorced. I think that’s true and worth bearing in mind. I think we must have realistic expectations of ourselves.

      • It is also hard to achieve (based on my personal experience) when you have young children with them. I am pretty sure that I would be at total meh if I did not have kids with the bottom feeder. There are days when he doesn’t even cross my mind, but then one of my kids will get upset about going over for visitation, or he will send me one of his pompous, condescending emails about something trivial that he has to make dramatic, and I will get annoyed. I’m not in full-blown rage stage anymore, but I can’t fully be “I don’t think about you meh” because I’m forced to think about him due to our kids.

        • I agree if I didn’t have sole custody and supervised (by me) visitation I would likely have not reached the level of meh I’m at (maybe 80% or more which is amazing considering how truly f-ed up I was this time last year). I have an almost 3 yr old and an almost 10 yr old so if we had regular visitation seeing him and handing them over to that irresponsible arse hole would drive me crazy.
          I truly feel for you and I hope you cab keep pushing for meh.

      • I also remember reading that you can’t ever truly achieve Meh until you are divorced. Im close and divorce trial is in 4 weeks! ?

        The fact that I’m excited about the trial and wanting resolution and an end to any sort of control and attempt to manipulate me by douche bag is a sure sign that Meh is the next stop after divorce and I can get off this crazy train for good.

        No contact has broken the chains of bondage that abusive mindfucker had on me for 25 years. I’m completely done pick-me dancing.

        A few months ago before I went completely no contact he tried again to Hoover even though he’s living with the gold digging home wrecking whore. I was able to tell him and mean it that we are not compatible, he does not have the core values that are necessary for any sort of partnership with me : fidelity, integrity, sobriety, family focus. You’ll never guess how he responded: a long pause and then a weak-voiced and lame “yes I do.” My retort: “Nope–actions prove a man’s worth.” I never felt more powerful in all my life.

        Now whenever I wax nostalgic about him I bring myself up short and admonish myself: “He doesn’t share the same core non-negotiable values as you do.”

        Baaahaaaahaaa

        • Ha MC99, I (finally) had mine up in Court on domestic violence charges. I didn’t have to attend Court if I didn’t want to but I chose to (knowing that I could also be put on the stand). Ex lied about a couple of things and how they absolutely did NOT happen to the Judge and I just stared at him. Have you ever stared someone down when you both know they are lying and he couldn’t turn his head and look at me. Kept staring straight ahead but the veins on his neck gave him away. Judge must have seen that (plus the photos I had of my battered body) and he now has a conviction for domestic violence. MF. And of course, he never pinned me down on the bed and threatened me with a broken whiskey bottle and said “I’ll do it you know, and I will do the time for it”. Nah, that never happened either.

          • Attie, oh my fucking God!!!! He is truly evil incarnate. I am so sorry you were harmed like this. I hope he gets a drug resistant strain of syphallis and his nasty bits rot off slowly and painfully. Ebola would be too quick of an end for someone like him.

          • Yah, I showed up for domestic violence court, too, and I’m so glad I did!!

            ALSO, at the pre-trial court, I turned my back on James Bond, could not bear to see or hear him. I still held my head up and with straight posture, looked straight ahead.

            At the end of this pre-trial session in front of the judge’s stand, before I could walk away, the judge leaned forward and said, “Thank you, ma’am.” I don’t why he said thank you, but he did.

        • @MotherChumper99 I may or may not have priced confetti cannons for the courthouse steps on the day I finalized my divorce

          @Attie that’s damn mighty of you!

          • Confetti cannons! What a great idea!
            I have seen pictures of people who decorated their cars with “just divorced” stuff.
            I am curious how chumps act around their kids immediately post divorce. Do you celebrate in front of them? With them? In general, my kids are a lot happier since STBX moved out. They know I am happier too.

            • In the UK it is usually a quiet and anti-climactic event. Unlike the wedding where you orally contract your marriage vows in front of everyone, I got a slim envelope one dark evening in February advising me that several days previously a Judge had unilaterally dissolved that contract.

              The information had passed through the hands of clerks and varied postmen before it reached me. I opened it whilst making supper for the kids. After supper I sat alone and read it properly and took it in. It wasn’t a moment of elation, nor was it despair it was just a quiet moment of resolution. For several weeks after though I was still in a high anxiety state, I liken it to post exam time when you haven’t really taken on board that it has stopped. That it really is over and there are no more lies to counter or work to be done.

              I told the kids the next day, just simply over supper. They just responded they thought we had been divorced a long time. It took years. Nearly a year on and the realisation that I am divorced has well and truly sunk in. I am so happy to be free. Life is fine, and the problems are mine alone. I got to Meh. Next!

    • UXWorld

      Thanks for this way of looking at ‘meh’. It made a huge difference to me when I read this as now I will be realistic about what to expect and not waiting for some kind of seamless perfection to roll around.

    • I’m still unable to achieve “meh” because he continues to emotionally abuse my kids and take pleasure in maligning me every opportunity he gets: when he gets together with our sons, or when I have the now rare (thank God) times I have to contact him regarding our kids.

      However, I have experienced moments of actual gratefulness.

      Like when it occurred to that in a twisted way, I’m ironically indebted to Skanky for having enough money and epic dimwittedness to “lure” him out of my immediate orbit. He’s her daily problem now, and my life has improved tenfold since he left.

      Oh, she’ll never get a handwritten, thank you note on embossed stationary from me. In fact, I refuse to ever acknowledge her. But I’m genuinely thankful they found each other, as I believe the universe righted itself when I finally I lost a loser and she gained one. It’s been a painful experience, but I’m thankful my disaster of a marriage is now and forever, in my past.

  • Okay, I think I found Chump Lady February of 2016 and wrote her a letter she answered the same month. I was not even close to meh. I’d say I was pretty close to Hell.

    Today I no longer care what he is up to the weekends he doesn’t have the kids and the evenings the kids are with me. I never stalked him or any crazy thing like that, but he did cross my mind (trauma bonding jealousy is real — I should have no reason to be jealous of the OW, but he was my husband for 20 years — I was blindsided/discarded — that takes awhile to adjust to.)

    I 100% totally accept that he sucks. I 100% totally accept that he’s NOT the “nice guy.” The “nice guy” is the mask he wears. The real him is the snake, cold, emotionless, mean person under the mask. I no longer have cognitive dissonance over whether he is the nice guy or mean guy.

    I’m no longer triggered when I get an email from him (we have kids together and we need to stay in contact.)

    I no longer miss the “nice guy.”

    I didn’t think I’d ever adjust to my kids being gone at their fathers (the first weekend they were gone, I cried almost the whole time), but I now enjoy my alone time. I enjoy not having to make dinner seven nights a week.. I still wish my kids were with me, but I now look at the bright side.

    I enjoy not having to take care of the cheater anymore. I have much less work to do now that my home is smaller. My life is simpler without him. My life is free of lies. My brain is no longer confused. I no longer have to listen to my husband and wonder if what he is telling me is the truth. I no longer have that pit in my stomach when I heard him tell a lie and I knew he was lying, but I didn’t want to say anything because I knew the conversation would go no where. I no longer have to do the Pick Me (spend time with me!) dance.

    I still have a ways to go to getting to meh, but I’m getting there. I never would have thought last February that I would be feeling this well today. Thanks CL and CN!

    • Love this Martha! I hope you feel as proud of yourself as I felt of you reading that! Look how far you’ve come in just 10 months, its incredible! And you now have a whole life ahead of you cheater-free, pain-free, lies-free. It must feel absofuckinglutely glorious!! ❤

    • Martha don’t you enjoy not having to deal with conflict with every day tasks and decisions.
      X had a habit of making things more difficult than they were. I remember a couple of weeks after he moved out one of the smoke alarms started beeping. I knew it needed a new battery, remembering
      how difficult it was for X and how long it took him I was afraid to change the batterie but it had to be done.
      I was so surprised when I found out how simple it was. Must have taken X at least 15 minutes for a simple battery replacement. He’d climb the ladder get back down while giving me the evil eye.
      He’d go back up and then down the ladder huffing and puffing, more dirty looks.
      I couldn’t believe how easy it was to change the battery.

      • This has been my experience too. My ex would act like he was the only one expending an effort and really turning simple events into occasion for glaring and grumpiness. It’s so nice to discover these “real life” moments don’t have to be filled with anger and drama.

      • Oh hell yes Brit !!! He made everything hard! The first year after he died that I did my own taxes (it was my second tax season, I let the accountant do the complicated one right after I closed down his business) I was scared to death to do them because he would sit at his computer and scream, bellow, curse, demand, harass and abuse be while I scurried around getting him every last scrap of paper he demanded.

        When I finished the taxes, I said to myself “That was it? That is what he abused me over? asshole”. He didn’t do a fucking thing around the house without griping and resentment.

        • This is so funny – my fucktard used to stomp about the house like some sort of performance just to put a shelf up. Then after several massive holes in the wall later, cursing and yelling for help even though we were all standing around like scared rabbits he blamed not having the right tools…. yep – I have to agree – his tool was crap.

      • Brit-
        What a fucking asshole
        They do this so you don’t ask them to ever do it again
        Lazy puke face whorefucking demons

      • I have definitely noticed how easy so many things are now that he is out of the house. Whether it be getting the place ready for company, getting in and out of the attic, making travel plans… he made everything so fucking difficult. And then of course when things went badly because he’s fucking crazy and was horrible at logical thinking or planning it was my fault. I have to rethink my approach to so many things that I approach with dread, because he trained me to think they are impossible and drama filled. And it’s so true… it was to make sure I never made a demand of him again. Even my father, who is nice and generally does not say unkind things made the observation that “Asshole-Ex just seemed to resent having to be an adult. Like the usual tasks of being an adult were just a lot of trouble for him.”

        • Ditto! Douche bag was highly capable when he wanted to be, such as in his career or when he wanted to impress someone. However he was a complete fucking toddler when it came to our marriage.

          What makes me sad is that I saw a red flag in the first couple months of our relationship: I was doing way more for him than he ever did for me. I asked him to install some shelves in the closet. In the four years we live there together he never did. I gave up asking him. For 24 years I had to either go without or hire things done if I couldn’t do it myself.

          that’s why having him gone is actually easier.

          • Motherchumper~
            When my son was three-years-old, I asked X to put shelves up in his bedroom to display his toys. My son is 23 years old now and the shelves were never put up.

            He was more than enthusiastic to do things to impress someone or bring attention to himself but never for me or our son. When I’d ask him to do anything he would respond with “not right now.”
            If I’d ask again he’d answer annoyed then say “I told you I would do it,” not right now.

            There were many red flags I ignored while we were dating that I should have paid attention to. One which always stood out is early in our relationship one morning after he stayed the night I was getting ready to leave for work and as we were walking out the door I asked him take my garbage out to the dumpster not far from my apartment. He hesitated as if he was about to say no, I must have had a WTF look on my face, because I remember it being an awkward moment. He took the bag to the dumpster but it was definitely not without hesitation.

            X never planned or made a suggestion for one event, vacation or day out for our us or our family.

            CAgal, It didn’t matter what it was X would turn the smallest suggestion, idea into something catastrophic. I don’t care what it was he’d complain or think he was doing more than his fair share even though he did nothing. Never planned anything for us, if we were to go out for the day he’d complain about carrying a lawn chair and want to know what I was carrying. This would be after I had packed everything, bought what we needed to go and researched the place etc.
            Same coming back from a vacation unloading the car and luggage. He’d want to know what I brought in from the car. I’m the one who packed, washed and ironed clothes, and when we get back who runs to the grocery store no matter how tired we are, then come home and cook dinner while unpacking and doing our laundry.

            Tempest~X would announce anything he had done repeatedly through out the day.
            Chump, I emptied the garbage, Chump did you notice the trash is emptied?
            I put my clothes away.. yes, it was very much like living with a toddler or a learning disabled teenager with an oppositional disorder.

            • brit? You are going to LOVE being on you own and meeting up with meh.
              Your life sounds like mine – that unpacking a car from a trip, running to the grocery store exhausted, to make something for dinner after scrubbing ugly pans we cooked burgers on.. He rarely helped me unpack, unload and run things up the hill. Thankfully, it kept me in good shape but I also had to feed many dogs he never helped with. It bugs me 4 yrs later he never actually saw all I did, and in the end, told me I was lazy when I’d be on the computer – never mind I was reading a book and was fully aware of his presence. Good grief! Fine. Fucker.

              “I can’t believe how much I was controlled.”
              Quote from ‘Lost in America’ movie – Albert Brooks

      • Those who are old enough may remember a commercial for Rice Krispie treats and the mother who made them seem like a huge production. Makes me think of it in a whole new way now..

      • brit,
        After I read your post about the battery changing, I remembered a similar experience after I broke up with my college sweetheart (a bit of a passive narc control freak). His big agonizing feat was putting up the tent when we went camping. Seriously, I would have everything unpacked, gone for a hike, collected fire wood and started making whatever meal it was time for and he would still be working on the fucking tent.

        After we split up I bought my own tent and set it up in my parent’s back yard. It took me two minutes! The very first time! I rolled around hysterically laughing in that tent, so loud that my mom came out in the yard to check on me. Then we made a fire and we burned shit from the relationship. It was an awesome day.

        • Dear CAGal ,brit and starkly

          “I have to rethink my approach to so many things that I approach with dread, because he trained me to think they are impossible and drama filled.”

          I totally agree with you. The ass made – anything worth fighting for – a waste of time.

          I am self employed and the last business I worked for, owed me 40 grand . After 1 yr of polite emails and requests , I had enough and decided to take to proceed legally. The ex who earns 300k a year remarked that it was petty for me to run after 40K and propagated enough doubt and dread that I didn’t go forward.

          Now I know better ,but it is so hard to unlearn some abuse!
          I always wanted to start a business by myself, but dread it. Its funny, how all my family and good friends believe that i can succeed and I am the only one who has lost faith.

          I am still a distance from Meh, I think.

    • Martha, I think you described Meh perfectly and I relate to a lot of your experiences. I’m still having a bit of a hard time with not seeing my kids as often, but I agree that life is simpler without the cognitive dissonance.

    • Very well put, Martha!

      ” I 100% totally accept that he sucks. I 100% totally accept that he’s NOT the “nice guy.” The “nice guy” is the mask he wears. The real him is the snake, cold, emotionless, mean person under the mask. I no longer have cognitive dissonance over whether he is the nice guy or mean guy.”

      You have perfectly described my ex as well. For me, this realization was my first foothold in Meh. When you have been lied to for so long that you don’t know what is true and what isn’t, this moment of clarity begins to bring back reason.

      I too am more at peace, life is definitely easier, and I love being free of the mind movies and replays. I feel free and have rediscovered who I was and what I wanted before ex ever sucked the joy out of life.

      I’m 17 months post-divorce, and spend the majority of my life in Meh. The occasional day trip to my former “residence” is quickly followed by the realization that I don’t want to go there any more–why the heck would I want to visit that chumpy place any more?

      Hang in there, newbies. Your cheater-free life will be so much better.

      • 17 months post-divorce! I can’t believe it has really been that long! Time really does fly when you’re cheater free!

    • We didn’t have children, but other than that my story is so identical that I could have written it. I think when we’re going through this living hell, you feel like this has never happened to anyone else. Then I found this site, and I no longer feel alone. Some days I’m closer to meh than others. Our divorce was drawn out to four years. It’s impossible when you’re in the trenches fighting the rat bastard for every cent to reach meh. I have never thought of him as anything else but a rat bastard. I was devastated that the life I loved made absolutely no difference to him. I have trouble with memories of wonderful vacations, times that I thought were special. I haven’t reached the point where I can go back to the vacation places where I also have many loyal friends. Somehow I have to get over that it was “our special places”and make them mine, I see no other way than to face the memories and realize that it won’t be easy.
      P.s.: the rat bastard married the third “love of his life” a week after the divorce was final. She’s 25 years younger than him. He has a daughter the same age. Maybe they can arrange okay dates.

      • Meb- I completely understand! You stated it perfectly,” I was devastated that the life I loved made absolutely no difference to him. I have trouble with memories of wonderful vacations, times that I thought were special”. This has been one of my toughest battles. How could our years together of love, laughter, datenights, support, emotional intimacy, beautiful vacations, shared everyday life mean nothing to him? How can he discard me and our life of 12 years together? Just last night I was triggered and remembered an Alaskan cruise we had taken and the great time we had with one another. But I’m getting closer to meh. At the end of the day I don’t have to understand, I just have to realize there are non-negotiables in my life and cheating is one of them. I am worth more and want more for my life than living with a cheater. Grief is a process, and meb we will get there! We will move past the memories and be able to live a better life than before.

    • Thank you, everyone, for all your kind and encouraging comments!

      I realized towards the end of my work day that yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of receiving The Divorce Letter from my ex. Realizing that didn’t make me feel bad either emotionally or physically. I ended having a great day. Took my kids out for dinner and Rogue One for my daughters birthday. That movie was great. We all had a nice time and we had an enjoyable evening once we got home.

      Meh! Here I come!!

  • Moment of MEH:

    When I found out he has cancer…and it really didn’t phase me. at. all.

    Not totally to MEH…with one step at a time, it is on the horizon!

  • The last hurdle was when The Limited came to my granddaughters therapy session after abandoning her for over two years.

    He simply said I miss you without owning his shit. I got the call the night before that he was going to be there.

    When she ignored him and didn’t come up with a time to fiit him into her schedule he looked distressed. He lived ten minutes from her home

    I never looked at him directly or said a word to him. I had no emotion sitting there. The only thing I said wss that I had her on the weekends and that wouldn’t change.

    Later she said I could give a fuck about seeing him. It had nothing to do with me and yet her mother stated later that I had the power to encourage her to see him

    I have no such power. I never did. A I was taunted by the slunT for two years. She mocked me repeatedly saying she was a grandmother,ran me off the road, and made fun of me for crying after DDay.

    I hung in there and did what mattered every weekend. And now he cries and blames.

    I saw a pathetic man that day who now lives with his actions. It is sad that he still has no insight and can’t self reflect or take responsibility.

    This was the turning point for me as I no longer care. I’ve made the changes and done the work. My life is mine. Meh

    • Gosh Doingme, our stories have always had striking similarities with the whole covert narc thing. The genders are just merely reversed.

      ”He simply said I miss you without owning his shit.” – I received a lot of that even though I was no contact. She would call my youngest and say “pass your phone to Daddy” – Bitch! – this was a year ago.

      She would then dump a very well assorted medley of sad sausage cliché’s. She was usually shit-bagged when she was doing this. Rinse. Repeat. Next day. Same Time. Same “Bat Channel”.

      Now, keep in mind I was at Meh during this time. But eventually I texted her and told her to stop and I wasn’t comfortable speaking via phone with my abuser – only email/text and only kid related.

      Her narc injuries then propelled her to ramp up her narc abuse and make my life – and my kids life – a living hell. That was almost a year ago.

      As most of you know, I have full custody now, but she is still fighting. She is still convinced she did nothing wrong to have the kids pulled from the original 50/50 custody agreement. “It’s a set up” – “It’s all exaggerated.” Not sure how you can exaggerate when I have tangible proof that she is telling the kids that she hates them OR telling them to ditch school OR telling them to lie to me OR driving them drunk on documented dozens of time OR passing out in front of kids under the Christmas tree OR I can go on and on and on….

      So, I know what Meh is because I achieved Meh. But when someone is fucking with your kids – all Meh is off!!

      • Thank you Sure,

        Ha, he ever said he missed me,once.
        He was attempting to see our granddaughter we had co parented since she was very young.

        After DDay he ignored her saying he was ‘away’. I set boundaries around my life and he stopped seeing her.with the exception of a few hours a year.

        She was in a treatment program and we had weekly sessions. He invited himself. It’s been 32 fucking months and all he could cough up is, I miss you (to her).

        Missing me? Hmm.. He’s with a crazed borderline who hat attachment issues. And him being a covert the last thing he wants is attachment, lol.

        He’s in need of supply and I am not accessable therefore, in her time of VULNERABILITY he makes his move. There is no doubt he misses the independence, trust, and unconditional love he had.

        Yours is a piece of work. Abandonment is difficult for children and they are at risk for depression and self Abussive behaviors down the road.

        I congratulate you for getting full custody. Funny thing is that they give up their future, their children.
        It’s what proves to me just how disordered they are.

        Meh for me is knowing he can no longer have power and control over me as well as gaining cintrol over my emotions. It’s a long haul. Well worth the energy and work.

        Keep on rocking sure!

  • I am divorced over 3.5 years now. Been at Meh for a while. You can really feel the defining moments. The same moments that would of crippled you a year prior. Ahh meh n.

    Of course, I am currently embroiled in a child custody war, and its impossible to be at meh. Meh shouldn’t even be in the same sentence with child custody war.

    You know you are at meh when you see her/him with another man/woman and you just don’t give a shit because you are too busy living your awesome life.

    • Sure, I really despise your cheater. No way to be @ meh when the wellbeing of your little ones is on the line. You’ve been on a mission. You’re Sure to be back to meh soon. She is on her way to self-destruction like a freight train that has jumped the track. You’ve got to get your kids out of the way.

    • Ah, the pleasure of indifference. I saw Hannibal Lecher for the first time in 2 years yesterday. He had the left turn in front of me. I noted, hm, still wearing his characteristic scarf and felt….nothing. Back to my mental to-do list.

    • One of the most profound things a therapist told me, and it has stuck with me my entire life (and through two marriages and divorces to impaired sick fuck narcs): “The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference”. It is a state of mind that takes TIME and WORK to arrive there and to stay in that state of mind. I have had to:

      * Learn to know and trust that they suck and they will not change
      * Learn that their suckiness has nothing to do with me, or anything I have done
      * Learn that I can’t fix him
      * Learn to tell my kids the truth, in an age appropriate manner, when his behavior was affecting their lives or he was telling lies about me
      * Learn that I am better off without him. Better financially. Better emotionally. Better physically. Better spiritually.
      * Learn to reconnect with friends and family.
      * Learn to recognize Switzerland friends and flying monkeys and rid them from my life
      * Learn that his smear campaigns are going to happen, out of my control, and a good opportunity to find out who my true friends are.
      * Learn to find my mightiness. This includes trying new things, especially things he told me I sucked at or could not do without him.
      * Learn to take back what is mine. My home. My life.
      * Learn to change my reactions to his attempts to hoover and to understand his hoovering is just his attempt to continue to abuse me.
      * Learn to set healthy boundaries and stick to them
      * Learn to go gray rock when I had to have contact
      * Learn to go NO CONTACT and stick to it.
      * Learn to forgive myself for being a chump and fix my picker.

  • Our son graduates from college Saturday. My son lives with him about 300 yards from me but on another street. We have been divorced about a year. My daughter and I live in a garage apartment so we don’t have room for all the family coming in for the graduation. I actually texted him (usually 98% NC) and asked him if my nephew who is also in college could spent the night with my son at his house. When son first moved back in with ex it hurt like hell. “How come the one who blew our family apart gets son back?” type of pain. But today I feel nothing. I just need another bed and he has an extra one. Simple logistics. I never thought during the breakup and divorce that I wouldn’t hurt anymore but here I am. I DONT CARE! No contact really is they way to meh. It’s time, distance, and the ability to clear your mind from the mind fuck. I wouldn’t have made it without CL/CN. You guys rock!

  • Honestly, this man is like nothing to me, like just another ex boyfriend creep.

    Took longer to get over than any other ex. But it still feels the same. He’s like a cardboard cut out. It’s like he’s not really there and all the crap that he talks is just…. breeze.

    The main thing that bothers me now is his shit parenting skills and him taking me to court for a share of my assets, lots and lots of lies and bullshit. But even that is just annoying, not crushing.

    To think of how destroyed I was at the beginning, it’s hard to believe now. I don’t think I’ve moved on, I think that I have a better understanding, I really do trust that he sucks.

    Once he told me he was a “good” man and that he was a “good father”, and that he was not seeing anyone while we worked on our marriage and it hurt so much. I quickly realised that when I felt crushed, there was always a LIE at the middle of it. Think about it long enough, you’ll find the incorrect information in the middle of the hurt.

    I.e., he was NOT a good man. Not a good father and he was seeing his AP, acceptance is ok.

    My mother who has been through a lot had a great quote for me, she said “darling, there is no misery in this world, only facts. When you understand the facts, the misery goes. Every time we learn something that contradicts what we thought we knew, it hurts, you only have to see a crying toddler to see that this is true. The pain comes from letting go of what we believed and learning something new. Once we have understood our new reality, the pain goes”

    • I love that! Thank your mother for me. That is such a brilliant way to frame this whole shit situation. I have found out a truth I didn’t know or want to know. Now I need to accept it as the cold fact it is. Brilliant!

    • Cakeless,
      Yes! I have experienced the exact same thing, moments of mindful meh. Not worrying about the future, not angry about the past, just existing in the here and now. And savoring the joy of loving my children. I hope that you all feel better soon, and that these moments of mindful meh come more frequently, for both of us. Hugs.

  • Meh is still an elusive and hard to catch little animal, especially this time of year, but a couple days ago I held it fleetingly in my arms and it was an enchanting creature.

    The baby and I have been sick all week. She just sick enough to stay home from school, to have explosive pants accidents all day long but to still want to eat all the things that will make them worse i.e. fruit, cheese, cookies for dessert and not want to et the things that will help like yogurt, crackers and rice. I’ve had a horrible cold/sinus infection, fall asleep as soon as I sit down, the house is a disaster and I am so. sick. of. scrubbing. out. toddler. pants….

    Maybe it’s due to my feverish mind, being so exhausted I don’t know which end’s up or a combination of both, but we’ve also gotten a ton of snow. Several inches, and my son can’t find the snow shovel he and his brother used to play with last winter. So we’ve been snowed in, sick, DS has had two snow days and it would be one of those times where I used to catch myself thinking if ex were here, I could get some help. Or a nap. Or someone else to cook dinner just this once so I can relax…

    Instead, we spent a lot of time curled up on the sofa together under blankets, the family cat included, watching movies and reading books. Wednesday afternoon was especially nice. I had hot tea, my son curled up against my side, the baby in his arms and the cat on his feet, and we watched Kung Fu Panda 3 and I laughed until I almost cried and then, much like zen, I realized I was just existing. Sick as fuck, but happily existing. Not pining for the past, not wishing ex were here, not bitter at my predicament. I had my young children, a warm place to keep us safe and fed, my cat and a silly movie I love.

    I see you, meh. And I’m coming for you… Just as soon as I can stand up without feeling dizzy. lol

  • Sometimes you also have to pretend you’re Meh. Fake it till you make it….blah, blah. You know the drill. It hurts like hell. But you have to choose to not care also. This person has hurt you in a very intimate way. Yes, grieve, but then we have to choose to go on with our lives. Trust they suck.

    I’ve had a rough week and it’s sucked me down the ruminating path. I hate that. I’m choosing right now to stop those constantly recurring thoughts. They do no good. It doesn’t change what happened. I only control me.

    • lady jane
      I’m so glad someone else is doing the ‘fake it till you make it’ thing. I’m nowhere near Meh with Fuckwit Supreme. I pretend every day that this path is actually what I wanted. The true part is now I can do all sorts of things I would love to do without his skanky judgy commentary.

      Sometimes I just focus on the choices I made and it really helps. I chose to leave an emotionally abusive cheating Fuckwit. I graduated from college with two degrees, got my own place, moved most everything I own, got a new job, and had a baby without his help this year.

      Meh may be a long way off, but pretending and acting certainly got me through some tough times.

  • I think I’m almost at meh. It’s been three years since my world crashed in around me. Two days ago I received a Christmas card from my ex-in-laws. After 30 years of being the “son they never had” they abandoned me quicker than my xw did. Not a word for 3 years and now I get a card? WTF! Since my parents passed a while ago, they were my family. And they just dumped me.

    But I believe I’m near meh because I was more amazed than hurt. This “effort” just amazes me in its complete denile of reality. They’re picking up as if nothing ever happened. Just amazing. Meh, here I come. 🙂

      • Yay for you, Marked711!

        The family systems with the perfected denial of reality are a real bonus, aren’t they? Just like nothing at all happened.

        Have a great cheater-free holiday!!

        • Marked711, my mother-in-law dropped me faster then you can blink after being part of the family for 32 years. the day I threw her shithead son out, was the day she stopped talking to me. I was her only DIL and mother of her grandkids.

      • Mark711,

        If you are no contact with your ex, stay no contact with the ex-inlaws. Not sure if they are narcs, but narcs hoover (try to suck you back in) around the holidays.

        Try not to take it personally with the in-laws dropping you. It seems this type of behavior is more common than people remaining in their lives. The parents usually stick with the cheater. I look at it that I’m better off with them not in my life. They were a bunch of takers in my situation, so not having those emotional vampires in my life is very freeing. And the fact that someone can just drop someone says more about them then it says about you.

    • lol–my EIL stalk me on Facebook like crazy…liking everything I post. Honestly, it’s more annoying then anything else. They dropped me within days of MASSHOLE walking out…and never, ever bothered to check on me. After everything I did for them…at least with them, I’m totally at meh.

      • My TBXIL were easy to dump. MIL a narcissist- everything is about her. Of course her children are perfect. Her son would never be a lying, cheating, crap father – it has to be my fault.
        I have occasional twinges about SILs – I thought we were close, but they were hoping for Switzerland and that ain’t happening.
        I unfriended the whole family on Facebook. If they want a relationship with my kids, they have to go through their defective offspring.
        I didn’t buy them Xmas gifts this year for the first time- I did toys for tots, winter coats for recent immigrants, and other great stuff with that time and money.

          • Louisvilleflower I did the same thing with his family, blocked them all off my facebook. I will give it about a month before my XMIL will be friends with the whore her son left our 27 year marriage for.

    • Must be something in the punch…
      2years out, xmil sends a card to her grandchildren whom she dropped instantly. She has ignored them for 2 years. One child says, “Its a little late, dontcha think.”

      That’s MY Kid!

  • My own manifestation of self-pity and anger is that I absolutely know I would have been completely ensconced in the Land of Meh four years ago, XW a distant memory, had I not had children with her. (Don’t get me wrong: my kids are my world; I’m not suggesting I regret having them!) But complete NC being an impossibility, just when I start unpacking my bags in the Land of Meh, boom–up she pops with some new stupid move (a drop of parental alienation here, threats of court there) and Meh fades away. Eight years until my youngest is 18 and I will run for the Mayor of Meh.

    • At least you have a road map and a plan of where you want to get to, David! That in itself is progress. Stay strong, remember that you are worth so much more.

      I’ll vote for you when you run for office.

    • I feel this constantly – well on the way to Meh, and then he pulls a new shitty move. The latest – moving 1300 miles away even though his kids and job are here, leaving me with the kids 90% of the time, refusing to any kind of parenting schedule (he just wants to see them when it’s convenient for him – and they have to fly there, he doesn’t want to be here). I am also counting the years…I have 6 more until my youngest goes to college.

  • I think my very first was right after the divorce and I made him host our son’s graduation party. I didn’t do a thing to help. I did show up, realized what a mess things were, bought some ice for him, but basically let him deal with it. Later, a woman showed up that had written me on Facebook, I guess she had been sleeping with him and wanted to tell me things, which I ignored. I was very nice to her and introduced myself. I hugged guests and laughed and truly had a nice time with old friends while he kept staring at me, which I was told because I was ignoring him. Then I left without helping to clean up, which is basically what he did to me for 20 years, had his fun and left. Super meh!

  • I was with him off and on for over a decade. Finally after two moves further and further away, we stopped seeing each other. Three years after that, I stumbled across a picture of his 3 year old daughter, whom was born just one month after I saw him last. It was then that I realized that I was truly over it. It was a glorious “meh.” QueenMother is right…even though we stopped seeing each other, we still corresponded on very rare occasion but it started to dwindle away. The last message I got was last Christmas, and I did respond but he must’ve gotten the hint because that was the end of all correspondence. No “I miss you,” no “Happy Birthday, doll,” nothing. And it’s wonderful. I thought I would never feel this way…that this man could sway me back into his arms till the day I die. I’m still single and I’m happy. If the right person ever comes along, I’ll be ready but I am also perfectly content with solitude. I like myself and I respect myself…now.

  • NC, is the only way to meh. I have educated myself about all that shitstorms that swirl around these walking narc tornados. The gaslighting, the blameshifting.
    I had to have limited contact because of child issues , I kept tight boundries and would stick right to the point and shut my ringer off after information was givin, bye fellicia …
    I have come along way from the days of checking phone all day to see if i would get a crumb, or hoping he would walk out of a gasbag filled mid life crisis fog.
    I trust he sucks all day long and so does his flying monkey family, i thank god everyday I’m free !!!
    I finally have peace emotionally ( I never ever thought it would come). It was the hardest life lesson, I have ever been thru. Please believe it comes.
    The only way i can describe what happened to me is, getting
    a bungee jumping harness on and telling the instructer, I’m afraid, don’t let go and they kick you off of a cliff. I would cling on for dear life as the instructer would pull me up a bit then drop me some more, finally I let go and was free falling saying holy shit, holy shit…and then i took in the big view, and its amazing.
    I will never let anyone throw me off a cliff again.

  • Our divorce was finalized about 2 months ago and dday was almost a year ago.

    I’m not at Meh yet. I still think about the asshole everyday. Mostly with anger and disappointment. Even wonder how he’s doing. Or who he’s doing. But it is dissipating, slowly.

    When divorce was finalized we walked out of the court together. He cried and hugged me. I didn’t show him any tears. I gave him a quick hug. Told him it’s not my job to comfort him anymore. Walked away. Blocked his number on my phone and have been no contact since. That has helped but I still have a ways to go to get to Meh.

  • I’m having a DDay tonight (I’m in Australia). I separated from DH in June because my instincts were screaming that he was more than just good friends with his female best friend. For months I’ve been vilified as a crazy person, he’s just helping her through her divorce and he’s bad mouthed me to all and sundry for leaving him.
    Tonight her ex husband showed me screenshots of their text messages, gave lots of information and basically confirmed everything I “knew”.
    Feels good to know but stings like a bitch and with perfect timing my brother (the lawyer) arrives tomorrow for a visit. I’m going to put him to work.
    Meh is a promised land for me. I’m gutted.

        • Very true Kath – its been almost 11 months since i found out – i dont know how I got through it, but like all of us here, I did and still getting through it…and you will too. The first couple of months, maybe even longer, are painful as anything you’ll ever experience. Just take it day by day and let yourself cry and be angry and hurt, but then know, don’t let one person take over your life.

          I read this article just yesterday because I still need help moving forward. One quote from it is hard to accept, but the truth:

          “You need to focus on looking forward, forgetting what you’ve “lost” and ask if it was a loss. The ultimate realization is when you accept that you did not lose anything that had any real value; you merely were shown you were investing your life and time into the wrong person.”

          Its still raw for you so hang in there. Baby steps..keep coming here and sharing and reading. It really does help.

    • Kath – that’s terrible. I had the same feeling and just “knew.” He never confirmed and continues to deny but he is living with her ? Cheaters are ridiculous liars.

      • Pathological liars, part of their lying besides covering up is a method of control.
        They feel power over the Chump by lying. Making Chump and others believe something
        they know isn’t true gives control of those who they perceive as less educated, beneath them.
        Ridicule and creating doubt is one of my X’s favorite things to do when anyone mentions me.
        X refers to me as the parasite…, I wasn’t the parasite when he was unemployed and I stuck by him and encouraged him to keep applying and getting the education he needed to get his dream job.
        No, I wasn’t a parasite moving all over the country so he could advance in his job.
        Or when he was away from home for weeks flying all over the world. Meanwhile I lived in the middle of nowhere away from family and friends with our toddler son. He didn’t think was a parasite when X talked me into sacrificing my career so he could succeed in his. At that time he referred to it as “our job.” “Our job” with great insurance which he knew was so important to me
        is his job and he couldn’t care much less about me.

        • Makes me so sad and pissed to hear these stories. People get put away for stealing, assaulting, trespassing, involuntary manslaughter, just to name a few – why the hell not for cheating? They deliberately hurt us in so many ways, steal so much from us, abandon their responsibilities, ruin lives, or try to….yet they get away with it. And don’t tell me Karma will get them one day.

          Be Strong Brit

          • Before coming to grips with Switzerland friends and flying monkeys, I kept trying to explain to my “friends” that what he did was every bit as brutal as beating me. I would ask them to imagine that every lie he said, every time he screwed her/called her/texted her, every dollar he spent on her, was a bruise on me. It was assault and burglary. That was too icky for them to think about though. I must be exaggerating.

            The only thing I exaggerated was my naive belief that these people were my friends and loved me. That they has a sense of empathy. I’m relieved to say that you can get to Meh with them too. Some I have cut out all together, while others I have remained acquaintances but limit their access to my heart and soul.

            From this exercise it is clear to me that society will never leverage appropriate punishment for a cheater. It can be infuriating to see the injustice. And I haven’t seen karma take care of my XH either. I have finally reached acceptance that the general population does not want to be bothered with the icky reality. It is too easy to say it isn’t their problem. It used to fill me with rage, but I finally found a way to be at peace with it. At least most days…. 😉

            • Four states in the US still consider adultery a crime. I live in one of those four. I chose not to file under adultery and cost him and his trampy AP their jobs (they work together of course) because I decided “he has the power to take away my marriage, but he does NOT have the power to change the type of person I choose to be.” There have certainly been days when I wish I had ripped them both to shreds and left them jobless and maybe homeless, but those days are few and far between and are only the really BAD days.
              And one day, when you are living your happy cheater free life, it will somehow come to your attention that the karma bus came by while you were busy living that awesome life and ran the fuckwit over.

      • XH still denies the affair, but they were married in less than 8 months after the divorce…and she had Sunday dinner with his family four days after he left. They are honestly shameless.

        • My STBXH took skanky-whore’s-a-lot to his cousin’s wedding in another state with his parents less than 2 months after we separated, but still to this day expects me to believe that he met her the week we separated. He’s currently pissed the the judge still hasn’t set final orders 4 months after the trial, and I’m speculating it’s because he wants to propose for Christmas. I honestly think he’d already be married if the judge would just rule.

          • Oh I hope the Judge does it – then he can marry Schmoopie! Now why the hell would any sane person want to get married again so quickly? Oh sorry, I forgot he’s not sane. But we all know how that marriage will work out don’t we. Blessings to you. A

    • Now you know what you are up against. Now you will know your instincts are sound. And so very glad your brother will be able to take care of the legal end. It’s still painful as hell, but you are on the road to healing–and Meh.

    • Gaslighting us when we know something is going on is their signature move. I knew something was going on and he lied over and over that there wasn’t…..2 months later he told me he was having an affair – but emotional affair only. I didn’t think that was true, but he swore it was…..4 months later he finally admitted they had been having sex, and they still were.

      I am now almost 5 years past that, and nearly 4 years past the divorce. I finally trusted that he sucked about 2 years ago. It took that long. Maybe that was because we had been together for 23 years since we were 16/17….or maybe it was because of other hurts in my past (addict father). Who knows, but I got there. And I trust my intuition now. I no longer question when my alarms go off in my head. I trust them and act accordingly. It took therapy, medicine for depression, and Chump Nation but I’m more me now that I might have been since I was 9, frankly.

      If you have not read the book that Tracy wrote, please do. It is transforming. I am certain it saved me from the brink.

  • Get a text from Fucktard: “can you let me know if I will be getting son for xmas if at all”

    Sad sausage ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    My response: Christmas Eve to noon Christmas!

    Him: what time can I pick him up?

    My response: what time do you want to pick him up? (Look at me all coparenting and shit – JK – I just like to let him think he has some tiny control over something in his life.)

    Him: 12:00 pm

    My response: ?

    Meh one text at a time which are become less and less!!!

  • When cheaters discard their partners without a backward glance, no contact is their choice. “Meh” for me in this instance came at the moment I realized that Disappeared Jackass when the light came on and I FELT that the man I still kinda sorta wanted back was a fraud.

    Jackass has a good bit of “book intelligence” and talent in the manual arts. He also developed from a young age expertise in his field. He has built businesses, worked for others, taught, been an expert witness, etc. I bought into his assertion that he was the smartest, the best, etc., based on what he told me (never mind the red flags and the way he blameshifted to explain them away).

    I told this story the other day, but when I moved into my current home, I paid Jackass to help me get everything in the best shape possible. Everywhere he looked he saw a doomsday problem–the shed needed to be torn down before it collapsed; the bathroom had to be gutted; the sewage stack had to be replaced. Problems with the water lines! Doom. Thousands and thousands of dollars. He of course could do it all! And as all of this was going on, he was gaslighting me about his own living arrangements and plans for the future. By the time he was supposed to move in with me, he was already in contact with the MOW, which explained his interest in moving in with mommy–who lived around the corner from his new love interest. The calls diminished, although his basement was full of his furniture. He wouldn’t make plans to see me. A month later and he had discarded me completely. Meanwhile, I am worried about all of these awful house problems and wondering where I would find thousands of dollars to fix them. And the worst part? I measured all my own efforts by whether they would come up to Jackass standards.

    Six months after D-Day, when the polar vortex was a memory, I had an friend who is an expert in building construction and maintenance walk the house and property so I could get ready to tackle the list of doomsday problems Jackass has provided. The my friend thought I had lost my mind. The bathroom is fine. The shed was fine, too. The noises in the water lines–nothing. And the expert shut some valve that eliminated the air in the line and the noise. 1 minute. He said the house is in fine shape and I could take my time making changes and improvements. The moment he said the shed was fine I thought “Jackass is full of shit. He was wrong about everything.” Then–“Whoa. I thought he was smart, but…” And suddenly, he was no longer something precious I had lost; he was a bullet I had dodged.

    I had spent that six months worried about all of these non-problems that Mr. Stupid Jackass had imagined. I wonder now if this wasn’t a giant gaslighting operation or if he is just stupid. Either way, he was down off the pedestal for good, not even just an ordinary person in my mind but someone who is repulsively cruel and indifferent. If he really thought all that stuff was wrong, how could he leave me to deal with it? If he was gaslighting…wow. Very cruel.

    My college-boy house painter had the idea of turning it into a woodshed, which my construction friend did for–$85. A year later, I made the floor myself, with support and supervision. Voila–woodshed. This spring, I will finish the trellis for the sweet pea vines that frame the door and replace a cracked window. The bathroom will get a makeover–but probably just a re-painted vanity for now (I’m dying to try it) and a new light and mirror. No need to gut the place. I will do most of it myself with help from the Very Kind Man. And Jackass–after 35 years of pseudo-friendship–is no longer my standard for “doing things right”; he’s just a bad experience that taught me that no one is all that and a bag of chips.

    • Anybody who isn’t twisted can have real problems grasping that some people, like this guy, are masters of the self-serving fake reality. Glad you were able to disengage from his.

    • Oh my goodness, when you know that anything that is yours will be spoilt but his goddamn guitars were wrapped in angel floss! I know this sounds silly but I bought a pretty table cover for the garden table and then a plastic “flowery” cover to cover that for when it rained. I had only just put it on when I KNEW he would spoil it that day – and of course it had cigarette burns on it within about 2 hours. Stupid I know but why is it impossible to stop them spoiling your “pretty” stuff when their own stuff is wrapped in cotton wool?

      • My XH the drinker was Dr. Destructo of anything I cared about. Honestly, I still can’t believe what he broke over the years. And not a bit sorry about it.

        • Sad, but true story. Met my STBX the first day of college. He lived across the hall. He walked into my room and immediately broke something of mine. After he apologized and left, I told my roommate “NEVER let that guy back in our room…”
          Sigh. If only I had stuck with it.

    • Those moments of clarity are priceless. To see their lack of character, and to know they are not the “all that and a bag of chips” that they proclaim, causes a paradigm shift. Our main task is disengagement; seeing the cheater/abuser for who they are is critical to that disengagement.

  • He married a woman he had know for a couple of weeks just days after the ink dried on the divorce. They divorced about a year later, I presume because he discovered his dalliance with the teenager he married shortly thereafter.

    I knew for sure that I was at “meh” when wife #2 asked mutual friends for my number so she could commiserate with me. They asked me if it would be ok to share my number, and I laughed out loud, then said “no, no, I don’t think that will work for me, thank you for asking first”.

    Of course, since we had wreckonciled for over a year, I already had a head start toward “meh”. There were so many fuckbuddies. So many lies to me and about me. All I wanted was out, and when I got that gift, I didn’t ever want to go back in there.

    The more energy you put into rebuilding you with as little of the cheater as possible, the faster you get to meh. That’s why as little contact as possible is so important.

    You’re a phoenix! Nobody can keep you in ashes. It’s your nature to be reborn. 🙂

    • I write this stuff on my phone, and between autoincorrect and typos, sometimes stuff comes out wrong. I trust you’ll figure out the things I meant above, such as *she figured it out, meaning wife #2. 🙂

  • I knew I’d reached the land of Meh when I sat in the same hospital room with my ex all afternoon the day he came to visit our first grandchild. My ex uncharacteristically got up and hugged me when I entered the room and said, “Congratulations, Grandma.” This was nice, but didn’t spark any strong feelings in me. We all sat around talking, and then I left and my ex and I just kind of waved goodbye. I didn’t cry or fall apart, or long for our family to be together again. I did get teary eyed looking at the picture my son wanted to take of me and his dad standing next to each other holding the baby. After looking at it awhile, I put it away. When I looked at it the next day, it didn’t hurt any more.

  • I had a big reinforcement of Meh just this past weekend. One of our kids had a milestone event and I spent several hours with my ex, his current wife and my ex-in-laws. I faced them all by myself — no posse of my own in tow! (I’m very much happily single!)

    Ex is still an idiot and made an ass out of himself a few times (nothing directed at me, just general acts of idiocy) but it didn’t bother me one bit because he is not my problem anymore!!! His wife, mother and our son were obviously embarrassed by stupid comments he made. I, however, sat there thinking how GLAD I was that I am no longer part of that dysfunction! I felt nothing but relief that I didn’t feel a need to apologize to anyone for his behavior. Our son, unfortunately, still carries that burden. But, he knows to expect that kind of stuff from his dad, and he forewarned his guests in advance so it wouldn’t come as a complete shock. Even so, there were a few jaw-dropping moments during dinner conversation… The man has NO filters whatsoever and offensive remarks just slide off his tongue. He really has no clue.

    Tracy is right — getting to Meh is a gradual process. It took me about 5 years to fully process my emotions and rewire my thought patterns. I think having children together adds to the difficult task of emotionally disconnecting. I had 23 years of marriage to a covert narcissistic, abusive wolf in sheep’s clothing from which to recover and sort through. Educate yourself and continue to work on healing yourself. CN is a wonderful resource and support group! You are worth it and you will find happiness in life again!

    • “It took me about 5 years to fully process my emotions and rewire my thought patterns. I think having children together adds to the difficult task of emotionally disconnecting.”

      Over and Out, this rings true to me. It often felt like my brain was going through a rewiring process, much like a computer that’s getting upgraded to a new system. My neurological pathways had structured themselves around the 36 year centrality of my husband, and had to forge all new connections when he abruptly extricated himself. It would be very interesting if someone could map the brain of a chump during the process of betrayal and recovery. Even more interesting if they could compare it to the cheater’s during the same time period.

  • I have 2 Meh moments within the last 2 months. I am about 3 years out from D-Day and 1.5 years of being officially divorced.

    About 2 months ago, my XW gave our daughter her old phone. Guess what? Yep, she never erased any of her messages from the last 4 years. I backed the phone up and downloaded some software and read every last email. Yes, I was a basket case for about a week, but you know what? She and her AP have already hit rough waters, and she is playing the same games with him as she did with me. When he wanted to pull back from the relationship because his daughter was having a tough time getting along with my XW, she pressured him to go all in, and they bought a house together. How stupid? Let’s see how long things last? He’s her bitch now. Meh 1.

    I was reading Chumplady a few weeks ago about being divorced during the holidays, and it caused me to think about all the things I do not miss about my XW, especially spending time with her family. They are so dysfunctional, and I am not going to miss one thing about him. Her dad is a drunk who loves to pick fights with everyone once he has tied one on. I don’t have to deal with him. Her mom would often change plans at the last minute, because her husband and my XW did not get along. We would get a call the day before we were supposed to leave, and she would cancel on us, and my XW would be devastated. Finally, my XW would always complain about what I got her, or that I did not help enough, when all I did was take care of the kids and get the house ready for the holidays. Now, I have a lovely, relaxing holiday with no drunk, inconsiderate, and ungrateful people. Meh 2.

  • I have learned that there are many ways of moving on. Not only from Captain Underpants and Narcissa California, but also from Chump Nation. It’s been such a wonderful help and resource for the past 4 years. I’m not sure how I would have gotten over without it. But most of my cohort have moved on.

    Then, I also learned that (being an internet communication place) people misunderstand each other here, blame gets flung around, there are mean girl clubs. You can easily get accused of things you didn’t say or mean. You can fuck up, and no one asks, “why”, it’s just a pig pile of…”wow are you ever a Big Bad Person.”

    So then you get to a growth point where you are Meh about CL and CN, because it’s painful (and basically you need to go NC), and also, it doesn’t serve your needs any more.

    I think that actually may be a step in the direction of getting a life?

    • NfV
      I get the point about moving on eventually from CL and CN as your life becomes about other things than the cheating and the cheater and you’ve fixed your FOO stuff and your picker and so you can cycle off into the world without your chump stabilising wheels. And you may just need to check in eventually to re-set or re-learn something or feel like helping a few newbies.
      BUT. It’s not ‘meh’ and never will be for me. I will never be indifferent to the life saving support I have had here.
      And apart from the recent politics posts which did get a bit shrill I don’t recognise any of this

      “people misunderstand each other here, blame gets flung around, there are mean girl clubs. You can easily get accused of things you didn’t say or mean. You can fuck up, and no one asks, “why”, it’s just a pig pile of…”wow are you ever a Big Bad Person.”

      I have only been here a few months so maybe it has changed here but I have never seen any of this at all. I have the utmost respect for the kindness and civility and generosity and sheer honesty of the posts under the most difficult circumstances. The forum is also a great place to express pain or frustration or anything else with CL and/or chump nation if that’s what you need.

      You obviously have learned so much and can be of so much help to us newbies so I hope you do feel it’s ok to come back occasionally and give us a hand up!

      I think I will be here for a long time! And I’m not beating myself up for that. It’s my journey and I have a lot to fix and get over but if this site is always part of that I don’t consider that a failing. We all have different needs and ways of coping.

      I wish you every happiness!!!

      • Capricorn, thank you for this! Your words feel like my words. I will be here for a long time as well. The support here so far has at times brought me to happy tears and helped me come in touch with my anger (which has been the hardest part for me). Here I don’t feel judged. Here I can let the darkest sides of my emotions show. Here I feel seen and validated.

        • ^ Ditto.

          However I can also see NfV’s point about gaining a life. Sometimes CN/CL becomes like a crutch. Something to hold on and grasp to. Which is why I also sometimes wonder if I should ever move on someday.

          But, I think I will still check back here every so often. There is no other place like CN/CL for me. This place will forever be in my heart.

    • It seems universally true to me that in any group of people that meets regularly, a similar mix of personalities crops up. Some of the personalities won’t mesh well with mine and some won’t mesh well with yours. Yours won’t mesh well with some, and mine won’t mesh well with some.

      Sub-groups will form that feel like a lifesaver to some and a clique to others. Some people who aren’t very nice will loudly spew vitriol and call it truth telling. Some people will troll the joint. Some will use it as a platform to push personal agendas and sell things. I have yet to join any group that didn’t include these personality types and more.

      We live in a diverse world, so part of hanging out in e-space like this is choosing to either tolerate that diversity or move on to a group that fits your desires better. Neither is better than the other, but the beauty of it is that you get to choose.

      I originally chose to join the conversation even though my divorce is many years old because the support I never had then still helps now, even years into meh. I stay because sometimes I can help someone else, and I like giving back.

      There are some conversations I choose to avoid. I sometimes get replies that make it clear to me that the responder didn’t understand me at all. Written word lacks many components of communication. Misunderstanding is more likely than unlikely. It happens.

      It’s great that you found the support you needed here to move on. That is a beautiful thing. I hope all bright things fill your future for always!

    • This site keeps me sane- ish. If there ever comes a time when I don’t need it anymore, my gratitude is still going to be here, permeating the internet. Meh is for things that deserve indifference.

    • Rambling story to come, stay with me.
      I was at a store today after I had dropped my youngest kid off at school. I was looking around and a young woman came into the store. She asked the clerk if he knew where such-and-such elementary school was because she needed to find it and her directions had gotten her lost. The clerk looked confused but I walked over to her and said “I know where it is, let me help.” Why? Because I heard mama panic in her voice. I recognized immediately the sound of a scared mother. It has been a while since I’ve experienced it myself, but I have been there, and I will never forget feeling scared, and worried, and needing to get to my kid. So I reassured her: my kid goes there, they have great staff. She shared that her kindergartener was ill and she got a call from the nurse and needed to get there. I showed her the way on my phone, gave her a hug, and sent her on her way.

      I am that scared Chump right now, and CN is the friendly stranger. It makes me feel safer, the recognition that I am trying to do the right thing but get lost sometimes, and the safety net that people here will nudge me if I get off track. CN is my village. It is the kindness of strangers.
      People here hear the anguish in my words and offer comfort. I am so, so grateful.
      Someday, I know I won’t need to come here everyday. But I know that I will always be able to recognize the pain that others chumps feel. And I hope to always be able to offer comfort, even if I just tell some sobbing woman in the grocery store about this site.
      CL is a guardian ass-kicking, tell-it-to-you-straight angel. Her book, her columns and especially this site have saved so many of us, giving us just what we needed just when we needed it.

      • Well said, Louisvilleflower. You have a gift with words. I’m in total agreement with your sentiments towards CL and CN. I’m on the other side of divorce now, but will always hold a place in my heart for this community.

        Hugs.

    • Wow–you must have been reading a different blogsite. I’ve rarely read anything close to what you’ve mentioned.

      Yes, if you wander off of CN, maybe you are approaching Meh; being dependent on anyone or anything besides yourself is not growing, and this site is about growing strong and independent if it’s about anything.

    • In the less than a year that I’ve been on this blog, I’ve only seen maybe a dozen times where people got nasty, etc.

      One post was taken completely down. OW sent in a letter and CL replied to it. I saw the beginning of the comments from that post as I usually read CL first thing in the morning.

      The political post I think I stayed away from, but I did read some of the comments.

      99.99% of this blog has been helpful and supportive. I can see that some people are closer “friends” as they get each other just like in every day life you click better with some people. It only makes sense that would happen on a blog. I’ve never seen a Mean Girls club. Everyone has been kind, helpful and supportive to me. I honestly don’t know where I’d be at today without CL and CN. I’m sure someday I won’t be reading every day, but I’m not there yet.

      This whole thing made me feel so lonely in the beginning. I can’t tell you how many people told me to “Get over it.” Or that I shouldn’t still be grieving. Or “You’ll find another man again.” And lots and lots of other stuff that was hurtful. I have had people in my life that have listened to me and have helped me tremendously. And I’m so grateful for that! But CL and CN has made me feel less lonely in this. I’ve gotten so much healing in sharing my story and hearing others stories. No one gets a chump like a fellow chump! And if real life, people get tired of hearing your story. And sometimes you need to tell your story over and over again in order to process and make sense of what happened to you. For sure last February my brain was still hurting. It was a mess of memories, thoughts and questions. CL gave me the platform to tell my story and to continue to tell my story by commenting on other peoples stories. And I also realized that people were finding “a-ha” moments for themselves in my story, which brought a bit of healing to them. That made me feel good. That my mess was helping someone else to heal a bit.

      CL and CN is definitely the most helpful blog I found in the last two years. I will NEVER feel meh towards it. Meh is indifference. I feel brotherly love towards it. 🙂

  • Meh moment for me…. 16 months post d-day, 7 months post divorce… I decide to tell my ex that I planned to introduce my girlfriend (of 5 months) to the boys. We had previously verbally agreed that we would always notify each other prior to introduction. I had envisioned that moment as something that would bring me tremendous pleasure to flaunt how I had moved on to someone better in sooo many different ways (I am pretty sure her AP dumped her). The conversation which was mostly unremarkable brought me no personal pleasure. I would have preferred to keep her in the dark and have my private life be all mine! She was a little surprised… Full privacy on everything feels better than sharing even great successes with your cheater. I have no desire to share any information (good, bad, or indifferent) with her other than as necessary for our boys.

  • Meh was nearly insight and he came back out of no where! No contact and then I received a text from his adult daughter saying I had supposedly sent some text to him while I was at church! It set me off and I should have known he was fishing. I called him out but not with as much emotion as previous encounters. Classic… Someone hacked his old facebook account and said he was gay also while I was at church. (He is homophobic and was in the military… Uses PTSD and TBI as the excuse for why he is the way he is… Funny he has 4 children and married multiple times before that could have actually occurred). Its not my problem. Not my circus. My MEH begins again… But it ticked off the new OW and she blames me. Funny.. She’s the only one with his account passwords etc now. He of course called me the stupid dumb ass etc… Still have to deal with joint property from 6 months ago but stuck because he’s still married to wife #5…. And that’s not me… I guess I can be thankful I didn’t have children with this moron… And i didn’t marry him! Now to remind myself that drama will continue with the Facebook thing and I’m gonna sit back and just watch it all from afar… Do not interact!

  • Complete and total Meh when you are still sharing limited visitation with a drug-addicted alcoholic is probably not possible. I cannot afford to be completely disinterested in what he’s doing. Moreover, I am taking great delight in watching him react to the implementation of the settlement. His whiny “I can’t add, please do it for me” emails are making me laugh. And when all financial hell break’s loose in January? Where’d I put that popcorn bucket?!

    None of that is Meh.

    But at least I suffer no further feelings of loss, grief (other than “Good grief … what a moron!” type of grief), endless rumination, and so on. Having the divorce final and closing in on 8 months from d-day is highly therapeutic. Having complete control of my life and finances is really, really good. And my indifference to him grows and grows. When I no longer cringe at the idea of having to speak to him face to face, I will be fully there. That thought still strikes me as highly unpleasant. So much inspiration here today.

    • Dixie,

      This had me thinking…..” When I no longer cringe at the idea of having to speak to him face to face, I will be fully there.”

      I have been at Meh for a bit as you know – minus all this custody stuff, of course. I don’t speak to the ex face to face at all.

      I am just typing out load here so please bear with me. I guess my thoughts on this whole matter of face to face is I just have zero real-estate in my mind to give – OR – waste even one breath to my disordered ex. This goes the same for any other disordered freaks I once knew. They don’t deserve my attention.

      I have no plans on ever speaking to her again. In the hypothetical event that I had to speak to her, how would I feel? You have me thinking now. Very challenging. Well, if I had to speak to her I can honestly say that I wound not cringe but I think I would probably feel absolutely nothing. I think, I would just look at her as a blank piece of paper with no inspiration to write on.

      Hard to cringe at something that means nothing – I believe is your point.

      • Blank piece of paper. I like that. I currently have no need to speak to him. But there will be times when we are in the same room … piano recitals and such. I plan to avoid him completely. But the fact that I have thought about those instances and know I will feel discomfort is telling. He will feel more discomfort, I am quite certain. Complete disinterest is right around the corner … my interest is much more focused elsewhere! 🙂

  • 15 Yrs with the ex could not put my finger on what in the hell was happeneing, all the lying cheating never said he was sorry. I tried harder to make him see what he had he could not of cared less. Then one day I got him red handed no denying it anymore, so he left for the stripper skank packed all 15 yrs worth of stuff moved in with her. Well the next year was a year of triangulation me her etc etc. Till Dec 20, 2015 he again packed those bags and moved back with the stripper skank he said why do all the women want me, I was caught off garde did not say anything, he was digging the knife in deeper as he was speaking the hate you could see it in his eyes I never did anything but love the ex for 15 yrs. So Feb 2016 he hoovers back at my place stole a key when he left walked into my house like he owned it, I was angry he has never seen that side of me had enough he thought I would have my arms open to Mr Cheater Pants again and say come home, not this time I told him don’t want to here is bullshit anymore and to get the hell out he still tried to tell me about his life I said no again I opened that door said get out he turned and gave me the evil smirk and was still trying to talk he walked out I slammed the door and that’s history. on December 20, 2016 it will be my 1 year narc free anniversary and it was 10 months NC on December 13th. He came back thinking I will abuse her somemore of the shit sandwich well I opened that door and finally got ride of that piece of shit for goo.

  • Yesterday I shared a very un-Meh fantasy of him having deep regret, so I am glad to redeem myself today.

    Im 11 years out of the first Dday but I didnt learn the full breadth of his treachery until April ’15, so Im sort of 1.5 years out.

    My Meh from H1.0 was this past August when we would have been married 30 years, I felt NOTHING …I didnt mention it at all as I went through my day.

    In addition, I dont know exactly when it was but at some point in the last few years, for reasons of person survival, I mentally lined all the crazy people in my life and went MEH on the whole crowd. Women of my tribe own too much of other peoples shit and Im done.

    Dead Husband – glad the marriage is over, I don’t miss you but other people do and that is enough

    Alcoholic mom – The Little Sisters of the Poor have a nice nursing home and I will put your name on the waiting list – they are lovely people. You are nicer since you became demented, I wish it happened earlier.

    Narc dad – you better sell all that shit you couldn’t afford in the first place, you are going to need that money.

    Oldest depressed son – I will stop paying rent as of June ’16, you need to make a plan. I love you but you are not a good partner or parent. I bought your xfiance a really nice wedding gift when she married a stand up guy. I hope he adopts your son.

    Middle kid – I love you but Im glad you built a life of your own and you support yourself. Tell me when tuition is due, Im fine paying that. Dont tell me how much you sell your dads car for, he paid 3jillion $ for it.

    Daughter – I love you, you are young and I will listen to your youthful rantings, but dont be mean to me, I dont need that shit and will shut it down.

    Deadhusbands horrible sister – you were a bitch to me for 30 years. Your horrible decisions got you in a massive mess. I have enough money to help you dig out but Im not going to.

    Deadhusbands nice sister – I promise we will go on a trip together someday, not sure when, but know Im good for it.

    Deadhusbands father – you were a terrible husband and set a tone that ruined a generation. You are also old and grieving. I am not going to remind you how badly you sucked it wont do any good now/

    Deadhusbands mother – you have suffered too much and Im sorry you went through that. You are loved. Here are some of the diamonds your son gave me, wear them in good health.

    • Re-reading, its weird how much my handing my responsibilities with others involves money. Im actually a deep person who spends most of my time pursuing goals related to serving humanity (making little to no money on most of my efforts) but H1 knew me very well and was certain (and correct) that whatever he left me would be handled properly so he made no stipulations. I was left to make all the decisions and its a big responsibility. I had to set both emotional and financial boundaries with people which was quite a trick.

    • Oooooh — I like your lists!

      I’m concerned that my “take no shit” boundary setting has been pushed too far now, by me. Maybe I’m too straightforward. Now I look people in the eye and say I can’t do it, if i can’t, and if they are bullies. I used to be sooo sweet, so kind, so happy, so friendly. Now if someone muffs with me, they don’t get a smile. I call people out for their manipulations.

      Further, when people act helpless (pathetic), I’m not sympathetic. I think they should learn to speak up, and not be a martyr. I look the other way when mom tries to badger me.

      Am I a bitch. Am I becoming a hag? Or just setting boundaries?

      • Welcome to powerful and healthy! Don’t put up with anyone’s shit. You took it for too long. People won’t like it. They want someone to dump on, someone to do their work for them.

        Go Boundaries! Good for you.

      • Queen Mother, maybe our pendulums have swung kind of far overcompensating for being accustomed to abuse, but once we get our bearings, we can find a place of reason where folks wont need to push us because they already know where the firm boundaries are.

  • I realized a little meh earlier this week when I was rear-ended in heavy traffic. The lady that hit me called her husband 3-4 times while the police officer was documenting the accident. I realized that in between her frantic calls to her husband, I was calm and at times, consoling her. There was no one I needed or felt obiligated to call and that was ok with me. When I was with cheater, I would have been the one frantically calling him, hoping for empathy, concern or some ounce of care from him. What I would have heard from him instead was “why are you calling me, there’s nothing I can do”, “how much is this going to cost”, etc. This is exactly how he has responded in the past. I also didn’t feel bad for myself because I didn’t have someone to call because I know I can handle it. That’s pretty meh in my mind.

    • Wow – I had the exact same experience earlier this fall. I had a tiny fender bender, no major damage to my car, bumper repaint on the other, no big deal. I’m getting dinged on my insurance rates, but whatever… I did it and those are the rules. Cost me $250 to have the paint transfer buffed out of my car. I remember thinking how glad I was that I didn’t have to deal with ExAsshole. I didn’t have him fussing at me, or telling me how it would get fixed (and having a buddy do it as a favor and having it be done poorly… then constantly commenting on how I fucked up my car) or asking me a bunch of questions about what happened. I just took care of it. Cause this stuff happens, and sure we should be careful but no reason to lose your cool. I was so happy to not have to deal with his psycho controlling behavior that I have been really “whatever” about the whole thing.

    • On the other side – I once had a pretty serious accident where a piece of construction debris fell on to my car as I was driving. There was a lot of damage and I could have been seriously injured. Thankfully I wasn’t. We were in MC at the time and I remember ExH saying that he felt like his response was being graded and he had to respond just right or he would get in trouble. He was quite agitated not about me, but the fact that he had to decide how to respond to his wife almost getting killed. I was really in the fog at that point and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was so bothersome to me. It was just this year… maybe after reading CL for a while that the answer like crystalized in my head out of nowhere. I realized what he was saying was “I am annoyed that I have to pretend to care about this.” He was angry that he had to pretend that he cared I had thousands of dollars of damage to my car, and I was upset and he had to talk to me about it. He just wanted to read professional wrestling websites and talk to his whore… because he didn’t really care.

      • Yes, traitor was very protective of me during the love bombing phase, even when I didn’t need it. This winter I had a mild concussion, had to take it easy on the farm for a couple of weeks. He didn’t even ask how it happened or how I was. God forbid the whore’s old pimp stub her toe now…

  • For me, “meh” is a journey. “Meh” is the act of diminishing him in my life and emotional detachment. The real challenge and emotional slog for me has been to do the necessary grieving of loss, working through the pain of the reality of what happened and stopping the rumination. Rumination was only causing me pain. No one else. This quote from Dr George Simon has been my guiding light to help me get through the baby steps and giant leaps of every day, every minute that is leading to “Meh”. “Meh” is here, but it comes and goes and I know that this is normal and it will get better and change over time.

    “To the best of ones ability at the time, with no intent to ignore the pain or damage done, directing ones focus and energy elsewhere–anywhere elsewhere–is where all the power lies.”

  • Meh is when Mr Fab (triangulating as usual) asks via Kiddo for my Mom’s address so he can send Christmas presents there. My answer was he can send them to our house, and she was his MiL for two decades, and I am sure he has it written down somewhere.

    Meh is when your kid is doing all the college application stuff, FAFSA, and it only takes you an hour to write a letter corroborating the NCP waiver. Admittedly, with more hours of head scratching and support from fellow Chumps.

    Meh is heading out to work at your shitty ass underpaid job for a Shyster, knowing you have second interviews next week for two other gigs and another twelve applications in the bag. And that if I at any point decide I can’t stand his yappy ass anymore, I can sashay out.

    After all, what do I have to fear? Poverty? BTDT, Mr Fab suing me for being a bad parent? Bring it, beeyotch. Angry baby man narco boss? I am worth ten of you!

    Have a mighty ine, Chump Nation!
    love to all,
    Meh

  • I experienced a moment of meh about 5 months after final D-day. I felt so calm (for a few days) – what I now think of as the “Eye of the Storm”.

    Nothing had changed externally in my life, but something shifted within me. I remember feeling such intense relief that I was calm, not frantic with anxiety and grief. But I also felt confusion, because I didn’t understand what had happened to bring about this change.

    CN posters suggested that it was acceptance, and that word felt exactly right to me. I guess my mind had reached a point where I could accept reality, the truth of dim’s actions, instead of continuing to believe his words. I think the cognitive dissonance that I had experienced for years lifted at that moment. I also felt acceptance and gratitude for what I had – my children’s love and respect, enough food, clean water, a roof and four walls, rather than feeling anger/sadness about what I did not have.

    I descended again (and again and again) back into anxiety and grief. Now 13 months after final dday, my calm moments of meh occur more frequently and last much longer. And I can make them happen! By consciously pulling myself back to the present moment. To experience the here and now with my children, instead of worrying about the future, or feeling angry/sad about the past. For me, moments of meh, are living mindfully in the present.

  • I first reached “Meh” 1.5 years ago, with a lot of positive changes in my life at that time. I would go days without thinking of the ex or the mess she made of life.

    But, over the last 1.5 years, I’ve found myself standing on the shores of Meh, looking back out at the raging sea that I left. Other life changes have given me pause to look back and reflect. On those days, “Meh” is not as solid. It’s then that I accept how I’m a changed person, for both better and worse, and the chump experience molded me and is a part of me now.

    Aside from her own intrusion on only a few occasions, I’ve been NC from my ex for 2.5 years, with complete NC for the past year. I’ve also now been NC from any one of her support network for 1 year.

    It’s “Meh,” but it’s a work in progress. It’s realizing that some memories can only fade so much, and they are under the surface to be contemplated if other life events lead to such introspection.

    • It never ceases to amaze me how deeply some of us bond, and how shallow that bond is for others. I think a lot of us feel on the outskirts of meh due to loneliness as much as anything to do with the ex. When you were at meh, you had a new girlfriend who overshadowed the past. The only times I’ve ever felt at meh was when I was dating someone. When your heart feels full, there is less room for memory to creep in. When there’s excess space in your heart, the memories and grief fill it up and slosh around sloppily.

      And you know, part of me think that’s why some cheaters cheat (our exes included). Their hearts can’t stay full, and they are petrified of the sadness and grief and loneliness that comes with being human. So as soon as there’s a tiny bit of space for anything to creep in, they panic and run to fill it back up before they have to feel anything negative. Maybe that’s why they continue to see the OM/OW after D-day when they promised it was over. It’s a constant race to fill their heart with kibbles, because kibbles keep out the sadz. Maybe the biggest difference between cheaters and chumps is our ability to sit with pain, to keep going despite grief, and to know that you can’t live life and expect 100% joy at all times.

      Anyway, enough rambling. Your meh will come back when you fall in love again and there isn’t as much room for the memories to creep in. That’s my prediction. 🙂

      • +1 FreeVixen.
        I also think the grief is really missing the innocent me, not missing the cheater or our life. I miss my lost innocent, eager self.

        • I miss my innocent self too.
          I guess my bubble was incredibly burst.
          I think that’s what makes us feel so foolish…seeing the world and marriage thru great glasses.
          And, now? The glasses have turned black.

  • Dear CL, can you please write an article, “How to not have feelings?” It’s been a year and 3 months and still working on achieving the holy nirvanic state of Meh. My brain knows all of the reasons why I should be in Meh. My heart won’t process the memo from brain for some reason. I keep having a myriad of crappy emotions about being cheated on and accepting it. I’m having a hard time digesting the shit sandwich. I would like to fast forward my way to Meh.

    • It took me 5 years to reach Meh. So, please be patient with yourself. My emotions went from sadness and depression to strong anger, to less anger to even less and now for the most part, I don’t think about XH. We have grown children and he only sees one of them who occasionally mentions he is seeing his Dad for dinner. It doesn’t mean anything anymore. I’m not interested. You will get there too.

      • Definitely be patient. I hear for every decade, it takes a year to get over. So, my time was 3.58 years. I’m at 3.5 now and I like this song that I finally sleep with sometime.

      • Yup, it was 5 years for me too (nearly 3 decades of marriage/relationship with him). And as others have said, it wasn’t a state which descended all at once for me. It was glimpses, patches of light in the fog, glades in the woodland and imperceptibly they got bigger and bigger. Gradually that became my norm with just the odd return to grief usually over something specific. I just go with it, go through the gloom of that because now I know the other side will be waiting there and sure enough, it always is. And it is ok. I wouldn’t want to be the woman I was before this.

    • Agree with FF, be patient. A good CBT therapist helps too, to help detach from the negative thought processes (which influence your feelings a lot). Take up gardening or some other hobby. Take it out on some weights or punching bags. Direct that thought process into action. Helps mucho. Hugs and good luck! PS I ruminated and drank for the first few months continuously so we gotta cut ourselves a break sometimes.

  • I hope that I am inching closer to Meh. I told someone in my family that I hoped STBX’s week-long tour (vacation) with new girlfriend who make him a little less difficult to deal with when he returned to our country. I almost feel sorry for the girlfriend. I wish that he would move to opposite side of the world so that I would never have to see him again. Kids might not be happy about that, but perhaps after they realized all the horrible things he has done, they, too, might feel relieved.

  • Poop boy only paid half of the child support. I finally let him have it because he hasn’t used one hour of his visitation time since the first of October. His response: “When can I get the rest of my stuff?”

    I laughed. I couldn’t even help it. Probably not the response most people would have given, but I found the whole situation hilarious for some reason. Not close to meh, but that’s a promising sign.

  • Meh is when OW “accidentally” leaves her empty prenatal vitamin jar in the bag that goes back and forth with the children to let me know she is pregnant… and I laugh at her pathetic need to taunt me with this information.

  • As I was getting out the Christmas decorations, I came across several with our names painted on them, some just the two of us, some with the kids’ names, too.

    I just threw them out, not in anger or because I couldn’t bear the memories, but simply because he is no longer part of the family and because any memories associated with it are no longer real. When someone lies and hides so much from you, you see those memories with new glasses.

      • If something you do or get out makes you start tunneling down, don’t do it. Create a new tradition instead.

        I was lucky (now, I am) in that my STBX did next to nothing to help me decorate for Christmas. Besides shopping for gifts, it was all left up to the kids and me. When 95% of the holiday does not change because he is gone, it is easier to get through.

        Stockings with our names on were the one thing I decided to replace.

        • Great advice! I am trying some new stuff – Jingling neighbors and friends (leaving treat bags at their doors – kids love it!). Buying some new decorations- kids love that too. I didn’t feel like doing holiday baking the past two years, but I am looking forward to it this year!
          My STBX did only a few things at Xmas – and I am not perpetuating those things.

    • Yeah, I tossed all those out, too. Including all the “First Christmas” as being married. Absolutely no reason to be triggered by stuff. Time to make new traditions and memories.

      I gave the ex the wedding album. I now regret not torching it, because the whole relationship and marriage was a complete sham. Ex FOR SURE was lying and at least emotionally cheating (love letters to a “friend” in England that he eventually visited) on me before we got married. Our marriage was built on lies. That’s no marriage in my book. I happily tossed out all the photos of us before we got married. Why would I want to ever look at them? To me, the memories are all tainted by his lies. I don’t need a visual reminder of that in my Lie Free Life!

      • I kept photos. They are stored out of sight but with kids, they may need or want to see those again some day. Trust me, I would like to banish everything about STBX from memory or existence but my kids still came from him, too.

        What they will notice though when they look through photo albums is the sheer volume of photos where he isn’t in pictures. Weekends and vacations taken without him (because he couldn’t leave work), activities he wasn’t around for (like Cub Scouts), and countless family get together he skipped (with his family, too). It is a reality check on how little he participated in their lives before he tried to implode it.

  • My biggest moment of Meh recently sounds sad and awful, but really isn’t. Recently my due date came and went (of the baby conceived with and miscarried while finding out about and temporarily reconciling with Principal Sparkles). While I was sad and weepy the week before, on the actual day, I didn’t feel the need to reach out to my cheater babydaddy, as I’d thought I’d might. Fuck him! How comforting would he have been? Not at all. I feel like I came to an acceptance not only of the relationship and partner I never had, but the child that never was. I didn’t need a selfish jerk to help me process that loss or “mourn with me.” He never deserved me or our baby. I did it as I did most everything in that relationship–alone. And I felt mighty 🙂

  • QueenMother says: The fastest way to Meh is No Contact. I agree. And, like ChumpChange, I have started “Him Journal”, it keeps me on the “No Contact” track. However, as Offthecrazytrain reminds us, Chump Lady said that you can’t ever truly achieve Meh until you are divorced.
    I have been trying to get an amicable divorce since June (39 years of marriage, D-Day in May, lots of devaluing before that) and cheater pisses me off daily. In yesterday’s post on (not) needing apologies Tracy said that “there is a lot of contempt in cheating”. So true. And since cheater can no longer offend and hurt me by cheating, he has now resorted to punishing me with a needlessly protracted divorce.
    In my country divorce is no fault and, if there are no underage children involved, the spouses can decide who gets what assets, their new names and hop over to the notary with one lawyer and a small fee. However, if they litigate in our particular case a judge WILL split everything 50/50; my cousin is a judge in a family court and advised me not to waste my time and money litigating as it takes years, costs a fortune and I will not get an extra cent. My cheater is litigating for a divorce that I am not contesting. Even though it really sucks that cheater wants 50% of my father’s inheritance in spite of the fact that he was in Disneyworld with Flatterfuck before Dad died, I am resigned to this to get to Meh and on with my life. I have made four different proposals and, inveterate stonewaller that cheater is, he has not made a single counter-offer. My lawyer says he wants to maintain a bond with me.
    Until this post I thought that I really could not afford to just let him have everything to get rid of him, but when Martha says “I enjoy not having to take care of the cheater anymore. I have much less work to do… My life is simpler… MY LIFE IS FREE OF LIES. My brain is no longer confused”, I thought that even leaving my home is worth this peace of mind. How can cheater contest this offer? And I have a safe job, retirement and I enjoy waking up now to a brat-free day with no criticism about the blouse I picked to wear to work or spending money foolishly. I just worry for my sons whom I will have less to leave to.
    Like for Autismmom, I have stopped ruminating because it was only causing me pain (okay, I do curse him once or twice a day, but that’s it and I hope to stop as soon as I get divorced).

    • I’m so sorry he’s putting your through all this, ClearWaters. I’m not good at legal advice, but you only have this one chance to get a decent settlement. Don’t give up too much in order to get rid of him. Divorce takes time. I filed in February of 2014 (I think) and divorce wasn’t final until June 2016. I fought for what I legally deserved. And it had nothing to do with being money-hungry or anything like that. I had to do what was best for me and my kids. I have to build a new life and that takes money.

      I know all this sucks. Swear! It’s okay! For the longest time (and I still occasionally do it) I said to myself, “Fuck off, Cheater!” when my now ex came into my mind. He’s not allowed to take up much space in my mind anymore. So I tell him to fuck off when he comes to mind. It really helped me to process my anger towards him. There’s no time limit in processing anger towards your STBX. Your feelings are valid. Eventually you will get at meh like CL and CN says. You hang in there and show him how mighty your are! Fight for what you deserve. You have your future to look out for. (((HUGS))) to you. 🙂

      • Martha, I am trying very hard to get the best settlement, I know it is my only chance. And it is the only chance I have to help my sons so they won’t get saddled with their father’s stupidities. Like I got saddled with my father-in-law’s misdeeds, which I covered without complaint for 34 years until my MIL died. A load of shit, but nothing worse than what CN already has experienced. I feel normal and mighty here.
        Your post really inspired me, it is exactly what I have started feeling, but you put this under the spotlight. If it weren’t for my children, I would have already kicked the tent pole, as we say in Brazil, just to get rid of his “punishment” (or contempt) for being an honest and hardworking wife suffering his fuckwittedness.
        Anyway, I feel my lawyer is “on the ball” (the expression I learned growing up in the Midwest, USA, maybe it is no longer in use, but it sounds pretty accurate to me) to get the best possible settlement. I already know I can use the expenses on Flatterfuck to compute assets.
        Before 2005 cheater would be punished for cheating; not necessarily go to jail for failing our marriage contract, but he would have to pay for abandoning me. But, if you follow the news about our corrupt congress, the law changed and there is no fault anymore.

        Hugs to you!

  • Almost 3 years divorced and more than 6 years past dday, I have many meh moments and I am happy to report newbie chumps that this far out I have many more meh moments than not. I haven’t considered myself a permanent resident of meh because I have one test left: Having to see the ex and feeling completely indifferent. I am one of the lucky chumps that doesn’t have to co-parent with him because my children were adults when we divorced. It’s been almost 3 years since I’ve talked or exchanged texts with him and almost two since I had an email exchange. No contact, limited contact or grey rock are the only paths to truth, light and eventual meh. I don’t know if or when I’ll ever see him again but if I react with indifference, I know I will be a citizen of meh.

    One of my first meh moments was when I didn’t remember my dday date anymore. I thought that date would be stuck in my mind like indelible ink but divorcing a cheater made that date insignificant. The cheating was done; a fact I could not change and something I no longer cared about with the final divorce decree.

    Acceptance that he sucks, that I couldn’t change his behavior or the past helped me see meh more often too. I can only control this next chapter of my life and that’s what I focus on these days.

    One of my most recent meh moments was the latest chump meet up I attended. Virtual chump nation has been so helpful, but real life chump meetups have been equally instrumental in my healing journey. This last chump meetup was hilarious from beginning to end. I haven’t laughed that much in such a long time but more importantly, the whole evening was devoid of any mention of our former cheaters. That is so truly meh!

    I’m not sure if this is meh or not but I think one of things that I have truly gained in this journey is the ability to be grateful for all the blessings I do have. It’s all about living in the moment. We can’t change the past and we shouldn’t spend a lot of time worrying about the future because the only thing we are really guaranteed is this moment. When your whole life changes overnight, I think that you learn to embrace that truth more than ever so however it came to me I am grateful for it.

    I hope that this post helps newly minted chumps. At this point in my journey it is the only reason I come back to this website (almost) daily. I want to pay it forward because this site and people who come here every day and tell their stories changed my life forever and for that I will be eternally grateful.

  • So thankful for the discovery of the Chump Lady and her awesome community of readers! I am a little over 1 month into discovery of my husband’s most recent acts of infidelity. Unlike the past, this time, he was not even falsely remorseful and just wants to move on with this mistress and their “happily ever after” (although he cheated on her with someone who he found on a craigslist who was the one who reached out to me when she learned she was pregnant and he ghosted her). So many emotions, but being one who has a cynical sense of humor and positive outlook, I know that no matter what, I will come out of this happier and a better woman and mother. I want to believe that everyday is a step toward Meh. Although it may not be a linear trip, I hope that we can find a way to co-parent and put our daughter first.

    • Nah, forget co-parenting. Just parent your daughter and know that you will help to smooth HER path with the craigslist liar. Thats all you need to do

  • I’m NC with the Spin Doctor and have been since the final DDay. Occurrences this week:
    1) his daughter called me because she’s thrilled to be getting a promotion.
    2) GF#4 told me she’s been done with him for a couple months. She’d been in a six year relationship with him and I wanted her to be able to make a reality based decision. I pleased she’s free of him.
    3) I heard from my friend and one of his Doctor co-workers told me he showed up at a work Christmas party with what he described as a horrific choice. 30 years younger, super short dress, heavy, bleach blonde. Some gossip that he might have hired an escort. Cheaters don’t trade up!
    Smiles from me. I trust he sucks.

  • True meh for me will probably not come until my daughter is no longer depressed/anxious/suicidal and the kids are off to university.
    That said, I think I am pretty much at “meh” for daily life. Ex’s work is up in the air due to the recent US election, and ex tells me different new job locations (and timeline) than he tells youngest child…shrug, maybe a slight giggle.
    It is a process.

  • I reached the magical land of MEH about 9 months after divorce.

    There wasn’t really an exact moment where I realized suddenly I was at MEH. But one day he wrote me a really long email apologizing and “explaining” why he did what he did in his own fucked up brand of illogic.

    And I read it, and realized I didn’t give a shit. At all. Despite his ridiculous explanations, gaslighting “I never actually cheated” bullshit, and complete lack of sense, I felt simply zero emotion about it. None.

    I am healed. I didn’t have to “forgive”, and I will certainly never forget, yet I am healed nevertheless.

    Stay strong my beautiful friends, your day will come too. Promise.

    • Hah! You must have sniffed that the letter reeks of that same ole self-serving smell.. CN/CL has trained you well.

      Meh is best served chilled 😉

  • An Idols’ Feet are Made of Clay

    (for the record, the X displayed a very noticeable sign outside his home office that he searched high and low for. “Nobody gets in to see the Wizard – no way, no how”). Puke, yup, a fake wizard whose feet were made of clay.

    SC

    The phrase derives from the interpretation of the dream of Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, by the prophet Daniel as recounted in the Book of Daniel:[2]

    Thou, O king, sawest, and behold a great image. This great image, whose brightness was excellent, stood before thee; and the form thereof was terrible.
    This image’s head was of fine gold, his breast and his arms of silver, his belly and his thighs of brass,
    His legs of iron, his feet part of iron and part of clay. (Daniel 2:31-33)

    And whereas thou sawest the feet and toes, part of potters’ clay, and part of iron, the kingdom shall be divided; but there shall be in it of the strength of the iron, forasmuch as thou sawest the iron mixed with miry clay.
    And as the toes of the feet were part of iron, and part of clay, so the kingdom shall be partly strong, and partly broken.
    And whereas thou sawest iron mixed with miry clay, they shall mingle themselves with the seed of men: but they shall not cleave one to another, even as iron is not mixed with clay. (Daniel 2:41-43)

    The implication is that however impressive or strong the materials are that are used in the body of the statue, if its feet are made of clay, then the whole thing will topple over and fall to the ground.

  • Most recent meh moment, yesterday.
    They are sporadic but I sure enjoy the hell out of them when they occur.
    STBX had taken daughter to school. He texted me 25 minutes after drop off saying that they were distracted by getting hat and gloves and forgot her backpack. (Mind you, all he has to do is have her get her jacket, etc on and make sure she has the backpack. My daughter has autism, and I help her with everything else. I told him where to find hat/gloves – not difficult.)
    I text him back “Are you going back to get it and drop it off for her?”
    Because of her autism, my daughter can be easily thrown by changes in routine. Not having her snack/water bottle/lunch when she needs it can literally ruin her day.
    After a pause, he said “No, I have an 8 am meeting.”
    Please understand, a few years ago I wouldn’t have even suggested that he do anything to take care of his kids. He acted like anything he did was a favor to me – that he was helping me do my job.
    He acts like he is the most dedicated, loving father in the universe, which is a lot harder now that I am not feeding him information and facilitating his relationships with the kids. I used to make excuses for his absence all the time, to the kids, teachers, neighbors, relatives. I would have sucked it up, fixed his screw up without complaint, because that is the chump I was.
    Anyway, I put my phone away, took my youngest kid to school, texted my daughter’s teacher, dropped off the backpack, kept shit running smoothly, as usual. But for my kids and me, not for him, He keeps texting me. (I know this because his text tone is “crickets.” Hahaha!)
    I ignore it for a while. When I look at it 45 minutes later, he is outside my house (he says-who knows?) to pickup the backpack. I am not there. He doesn’t have keys. I text him back “I took care of it.” He texts “it would have been courteous of you to let me know that.”
    In an un-meh moment, I typed “It would have been courteous of you to not be a lying, cheating disgusting excuse of a husband.” BUT, I deleted all of that and replied “fuck you.” Which is a pretty damn meh response from me when he tries to instruct me on appropriate behavior. And then I continued with my day.

    • Flower! OMG, I loved that story. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it but I’m glad you handled the response after thinking. Now, what’s he going to do to make up for it now that he knows you’re angry, and quite possibly mad!? lol

      Really, I am sorry about the story.
      It’s amazing how many women I hear that take the majority of the care for handicapped children, even the really seriously handicapped and, when the spouse helps a little, he’s done a BIG DEAL.

      We’re the Mothers….so….

      Document that!!!! And, if he can’t take proper care of an Autistic child’s basic needs, he should have NO or very limited time alone. Even a high-functioning Autistic is so vulnerable if he is unreliable. Tell him to change his job then if the child is bothering him. harumph.

      • Thanks Shechump!
        I do need to document because he is trying to get 30% custody which would be a nightmare for my kids, especially my daughter. He shows his contempt for me by doing things the opposite of how I would do them. I’ve learned how to parent with the help of pediatricians, psychologists, special educators, behavioral therapists, occupational therapists and lots of self education and research. So, in rejecting me and my methods, he is rejecting all of that. My family refers to him as “Dad of the Year.”
        ???

  • I was sure I would never give a meh. I was too sick to see I could ever be healthier. As time marched on & I did the footwork to heal, I got to meh without really trying. I was just trying to heal.
    I discovered my arrival when I got the news that jackass left his affair partner for a new piece of ass. I work with both of them daily, & I am shocked as hell to find I am relieved, undisturbed & unaffected. It does happen. Thank God!

  • Have had no contact with the dick for lil over 3 years. I have absolutely no heartache, no anxiety, no suspicions, nothin’! I’m sooooo happy to be free of the drama. I would say I’m at meh.
    BUT I’m not sure if I really am because I have so much hatred towards him. I’ve done nothing with it except seethe on the occasions that I think of the asshole.
    Don’t think I’ll ever rid the hatred. For me, it feels good to finally have some kind of self protection in this intense kind of way.

    • IHaveHate

      What helped me with this was the lack of respect the Limited had for me the entire time I was with him. I just dawned on me that he has no respect for anyone.

      His family is a heap of whack fucks with little regard for him. The whore is more toxic than anyone I’ve ever met and his children put him in the rear view mirror.

      I had made it very personal and resented the fact he could discard me with such cruelty. Regardless of who he interacts with he respects no one. Knowing this I was able to fully accept the truth and the hate no longer consumes my thoughts. He’s a blob of nothing or everything, kinda like silly putty.

    • Hatred can be a powerful protector.
      It can also help you get shit done if you use it. You can channel it towards creativity, fitness, demolition (if you want to gut your house for renovations).

  • The ultimate meh for me was receiving a love letter some years later after my “younger, thinner and prettier” replacement appliance had fled, telling me I was the only one for him. Not in your dreams, Fucktard. I can count. I did not respond.

    Tonight, I found two envelopes in my mailbox announcing that I needed to receive word about my accounts at a certain university where the Fucktard worked. It wasn’t specific, just a stack of stuff about performance of different funds, with account numbers. I cashed out my share over a decade ago, so hey, why not, I’ll call and ask why they think I have anything in there now. I’ll go with 99.99% it is an old database and does not get that I’m out. But hey, if the shit for brains wanted to give me more of what he owed me after ripping me off for so long, there is no harm in asking, seeing as how they have traced my movements over the years to my present address. I certainly wasn’t here when I cashed out what the court gave me. And you can’t get more no contact than dead. No expectations.

  • I celebrated the birth of my new grandchild yesterday. I shared it with my wonderful sister. So much easier than 3 years ago when the first grandchild arrived and I was an emotional mess. No sadness this time that exH wasn’t here to share such a precious time.
    Life is better without him in it.

  • The best FU to a cheater is making them less than nothing in your heart and your life. They have absolutely no no pull on you one way or the other. No love, no hate, no nothing. They don’t exist as a person, only as a long ago hologram of someone we used to know but lost track of and really don’t give a rip about, one way or another. “You cheat on me, treat me with total disrespect, lie about me, steal from me, and ultimately try to destroy me in any way you can? Well Bunkie, you just ceased to exist in my world! You are banished as a real person entitled to anything but a bare minimum of my attention. Nothing you say or do will shake my calm composure, and that is all that you will see from me when I have to interact with you. You are nothing to me, not even an annoyance. You don’t matter anymore.” (I did my crying, grieving and letting go in private. All he saw was serenity. Pissed him off no end.)

    That is what I worked hard to achieve after my kids and I left cheater ex. It took a while but you know the fake it till you make it saying. It’s true. I think that is one of the things that he found so intolerable….Not only the loss of centrality, but the total loss of power.

    But…..Be aware that they will often try to up the ante to get a rise out of you. I didn’t realize the extent of his mental illness and it carried a huge cost I could not have forseen. He made sure that I will think of him in the future. Please keep yourself and your kids safe any way you can.

  • Asshole.
    The only reason he got busted so far down is that she was a government contractor.
    The military doesn’t care about his wife. This rule is 1) to protect military secrets and 2) to protect military image. NOT to protect chumps. They look the other way as long as they can. Often, it is pissed off APs themselves who turn them in.

  • She looks rough. Damn, to throw away your career over some snatch. Well, there’s not accounting for taste or good sense.

    As my handle says – Dem Hoez!

  • I am coasting in the Land of Meh, thank God.  My first D-Day was 12 years ago. My last D-day is very recent .  Crying, emotions, marriage counseling , etc happened back then.  Why did I stay?  I was scared.  Our kids were very young and we had just committed ourselves to a new business together. The kids only have a few short years of high school left now.  Our home life is stable and our kids are happy and secure. In the last few years,  our business has exploded and we are both incredibly busy. He has suffered with ED (erectile disfunction) for a long ass time.  Only with pills can he make it work. Even then,  meh. I got tired of putting the “effort” into it and getting nothing in return.  What happened to my libido with work, kids, and ED husband? I used to be really good at screwing and I look pretty hot for a forty-something.  Between working hard (for what I thought were common goals) in our business and our personal life,  I am done.  This cold ass bitch told him on Black Friday that I knew and I was only going to commit to staying until the kids are in college.  I have not shed one tear, literally. Each of us makes her own decisions and choices. These are mine. Fuck him. I am busy planning and creating a new life for myself. He is not necessary.

  • Ah, meh, such a sweet topic.
    Friday evening, he had our toddler son with him, he was living with OW. Sweet life for him, no?
    While I was alone at home, crying in despair, trying to find a way out.
    He sent me a long email. He actually spent that potentially nice, enjoyable time, on writing me a long bitter email. I replied:
    “I’m flattered that you write to me on a Friday evening.
    Wish you a nice weekend!
    Your wife”
    I wasn’t exactly at meh, but it surely looked like!
    My lawyer was all smiles when I saw her the following week. She was assuming I’m at meh and beyond. Maybe she was right, I have reached meh

  • I spend most of the time in Meh now, with occasional flashbacks to a time when I was heartbroken and suicidal. It’s really hard now to understand why I thought my ex was worth dying for. He cycles predictably between the 3 channels- charm, self pity and ( rarely) rage. Currently he wants to be my best friend. That position is already filled by someone who has always had my back. But I am polite. I actually find the ” Cool, wow, bummer” approach works just fine, when he rings to tell me how awesome the new Star wars movie is, or the latest drama from his family. We still own a business together ( yeah, i know) and he doesn’t work as well when he’s in self pity, so I pander to his ego a bit.I think he still thinks I like him-he never understood me at all. One day, when our youngest turns 18, I am moving to the beach and away from him. 8 years to go.

  • While I can’t be at Meh because we still live in the same house and are churning through the divorce I did find myself on the lookout for someone to hook him up with so he would move out. That has to mean something.
    Then I found myself thinking I could find someone nice who would be good to the kids, that was a good dream until someone pointed out it would be cruel to dump him on someone nice.
    Quandaries, quandaries.

    • Finally Awake – Hi! Your post totally cracked me up, yet it is so sad in so many ways.
      I definitely think you are at meh!

      Get out of that living-together thing, asap.
      Never leave your family domain.
      MAKE HIM GO TOMORROW!
      He fucked up his chances.

      If you want to know how to scream ‘get the F out of my house, I can send you a small mp3 on how I did it. 🙂

  • I think meh can only happen when you are a/divorced with a clean break and any property divided or sold.
    b/ all your children are over 18.
    Until then it is about trying to ignore their truly awful behaviour. I try and think of my ex as a toddler in a 50 year old body who unfortunately due to my idiotic decision to stay at home with my children and lack of career, has financial power.
    Once you realise they never loved you, because they can’t, your attitude begins to change. Their focus is so firmly on themselves there is no room for anyone else, and everything for them is about image management.
    Also I do feel very pleased I no longer have to deal with his awful temper strops and pretty revolting personal hygiene. The endless lies. Every evening meal talking about him/ his job/ his family. Good luck to her. She knows not what she gets…..Interestingly I already see signs that he has her running around after him, even though the relationship started at work and she was this fabulous director type with him winning her away from her husband. He will use her and then grind her down.
    If I had a hunky boyfriend I don’t think I would care AT ALL. Sadly I don’t.

  • Dodging a bullet, rather than losing something precious. LAJ said it best.

    I ran into my former partner’s profile on the dating site i use. It was triggering. However, he was such a whiny, smug, git that after confirming it indeed was him, i preemptively blocked him. The persona he created was laughable: a smug, Don Draper womanizer mixed in with a progressive, polyamorist gamer nerd.

    Meh was the next month. Dated a more cerebral and less sexy version of my ex. Over breakfast, my date droned on about himself and his job working as an engineer in the military industrial complex. When the discard came, after ghosting, it was hilarious. Textbook narcissist.

    He shared traits with my former partner. It was a turnoff. Dodged another bullet.

    My former partner was not precious, and certainly not the man i dated for a month. The precious thing we grieve on the road to Meh was the loss of years and potential out of our one wild and precious life. It is the beauty we reflected on them that was ours to bestow and they appropriate as their own.

    Dating is another exercise in practicing self respect and discernment, plus boundaries. Lots of dates, kissed some toads. Would love a compatible partner. Been single a LONG time, ready for real love.

  • One of my most memorable Meh moments was when I had to go the the title company and my ex was there as well to sign the paperwork to transfer the house into his name. I hadn’t seen him or talked to him on about 9 months. I was full blow NC. I sat down next to him across from the woman going through the paperwork, as she talked I recall only thinking about the things I needed to pick up at the grocery store later.

    Sitting next to that fucktard who destroyed my life after 18 years of marriage and realizing that my grocery list was the bigger concern was a sign and felt awesome!!

    Silly I know…But a huge milestone.

  • I finally got to spend time with my only son and granddaughter for Christmas. She and I was out shopping and I was so proud of how far I’ve come since DDay ( Thanksgiving weekend 2014). 20 year marriage, multiple affairs on his part. I was in a he store Charming Charlie’s when I looked over and saw my new favorite thing, a beautiful mug with (meh.) on it. It was definitely worth the $9 I spent compared to the many years of bullshit I took. I made it my profile picture if you want to see what it looks like.

  • Mine is part Meh, part un-Meh. I called my ex in laws on Christmas so my daughter could wish her grandparents Merry Christmas. I still have a good relationship with my ex in laws. Exhole moved in with them about 3 months ago because he couldn’t afford his life. Exhole turns 40 next year and is back to living in his parents’ basement. Exhole also never had a good relationship with his parents.

    So my ex father in law asked if I knew where Exhole was. Apparently he hadn’t come home in a few days and was not answering his phone. My Meh moment was when I secretly thanked the Lord I wasn’t dealing with his shitty behavior anymore. But later that evening when we called again and my daughter asked my ex mother in law where her dad was and she said he is staying with a friend, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of un-Meh – you know where I wondered if he was with AP or with someone new. But then I reminded myself – leopard never changes its spots. Whoever this person may be, she would have to deal with shitty behavior soon and it won’t be my problem to deal with anymore.

  • >