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UBT: A Letter from “the Baby”

babyfartDear Chump Lady,

I have one that I would LOVE to go through the Universal Bullshit Translator. As a chump I so want to believe he is truly sorry for what he has done, but his actions have not shown that, at least to me. While I still wait for Tuesday and that dreamed of place called Meh, this chump will continue putting one foot in front of the other. But I still don’t know how someone can just “throw away” their kids.  As a mom, we NEVER, no matter what their age is, want to see our kids hurting.

My husband of 36 years was caught having an affair with the 29-year-old fiancé of one of his employees. She also happened to be a classmate and friend of our daughter-in-law.

I discovered the affair about 4 p.m. in the afternoon and told him he had to tell our two adult children that night. When 9 p.m. rolled around I checked with our two kids if they had heard from their dad and was told no, I had them over and broke the news. TOTAL shock and devastation. They thought he was just the epitome of a good guy and a great dad. (I, like all chumps, was very good about putting him on a pedestal and doing everything, making him out to be the “best” to everyone.) They were very close and talked pretty much every day. Like me, they thought we had a very close and loving family. Anyway, that was 22 months ago — they have not heard a word from him since.

NOTHING. No birthday cards, no Merry Christmas,  NOT A WORD.

Now they didn’t want anything to do with him. Didn’t like what he had done or how he had done it. We live in a small town and he was a public figure, so it continually gets brought up to them to this day. Such a soap opera. Still, I was very hurt for them that he didn’t at least TRY to contact them, even if it was just a text message… ANYTHING. I have been no contact since the divorce was final three months after I discovered the affair.

The ex and the OW were married this summer and just had a new baby a few weeks ago. Yep, he is 58 and she is 30. Today in the mail both my boys received the following letter. I’d like to put in thru the UBT as I just cant figure out WHY he would reach out to them FOR THE FIRST TIME, this way?  Both the letter and the envelope were typed, no return address.


I hope you’re not upset I sent this picture to you. And I hope someday I get to know both my brothers. I’m sure you know by now I was born on xxxxxx.
I know things aren’t good between you and our dad. I also know that he feels terrible about how things went and is so sorry he hurt so many people, especially you. I know he wanted to send you the very first pictures of me but was afraid it would only hurt you more. He says he understands why you feel the way you do and is so sorry for that. I know if someday your ever want to reach out to him, that would be ok but until then, he will continue to respect your feelings. I finally convinced him to send this just to let you know he thinks of you both everyday and hopes you’re going to be ok.



Dear Had-it,

Wow. That baby can write bullshit at a few weeks old? She’s a bullshit prodigy! Must get such talent from her father.

The UBT is happy to oblige.

I hope you’re not upset I sent this picture to you.

I hope you’re not upset that I’ve been avoiding you for nearly two years. Been real busy erasing my past.

And I hope someday I get to know both my brothers.

Here’s a cute picture of an innocent baby. You wouldn’t reject a BABY would you? (Rejecting adult children is understandable. But babies still have that shiny, new-human smell!)

I’m sure you know by now I was born on xxxxxx.

Which you determined through your telepathic powers, Facebook stalking, or small town gossip.

I know things aren’t good between you and our dad. I also know that he feels terrible about how things went and is so sorry he hurt so many people, especially you.

Please accept my apologies with this anonymous letter that has no return address.

I know he wanted to send you the very first pictures of me but was afraid it would only hurt you more.

So with that consideration in mind — HERE I AM! Fuck your feelings — check out my NEW LIFE!

He says he understands why you feel the way you do and is so sorry for that.

He’s sorry you feel that way. #feeltheremorse #sosad #sausageweeps

I know if someday you ever want to reach out to him, that would be ok

But you’re going to have to work for it, kids. Guess my contact information. I’m thinking of a number between one and 13,567.

but until then, he will continue to respect your feelings.

Some call it “abandonment” — I call it “respect.”

I finally convinced him to send this

At two weeks old, I have awesome powers of persuasion. But it took a lot of convincing. His set point was “Why waste typewriter ribbon on grown children?” I’m like, “Dude! It’s been two years! What better way to convey your regrets than with my existence? I’m evidence of their obsolescence! And besides, everyone LOVES babies!” #nevertooyoungtotriangulate

just to let you know he thinks of you both everyday

And that’s what matters really, what’s in his head. I assure you, all his thoughts are noble, if rarely expressed. And the beautiful thing about thoughts is, you can’t prove them. Unlike actions, which you should never pay attention to. Hey, I THOUGHT OF YOU!

and hopes you’re going to be ok.

To be. In the future sense. Okay. Because I’m sure you’re just ripped to shreds and can’t go on without me, right? Twenty-two months and NO PICK ME DANCE? I can only guess it’s because of your utter devastation and inability to get up off the floor. Well, a cloying aria of self-pity and photo of your newborn half-sibling should goad you into responding. I await your reply. #dancemotherfucker


Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss off.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Wow, I think you hit the nail on the head with the comment about how nobody was doing the pick-me dance! Obviously dad can’t stand it. Brilliant. A

    • New wife can’t stand it either, I would guess. Whoever actually wrote it, maybe a joint cheater effort, wants drama. They are showing it to any Switzerland friends that they can, hoping for recognition at their “sweet and clever!” attempt to patch things up.

    • This letter was clearly written by the mom. New moms believe that their magical new baby will heal all the world’s problems just by their existence. I understand that feeling, but directing this guilt-gram at dad’s first two “babies” is a low blow.

        • I agree the new mom wrote it thinking what better way to reconcile the family with the face of my beautiful new baby. New Mom wants a perfect world for the new baby which includes the half siblings acceptance of their new half sibling sister.
          Spackling for the baby? Life’s wonderful and what better ice breaker than a new baby.

          • And what happens when the dad gets tired of the new family? Seriously how can women be so fucking stupid? How could you be with someone who abandons their kids? What makes you so special that he won’t do the exact same thing to you?!! God people are so stupid!

        • That was my first thought too. Bet the crazy bitch is getting warm fuzzies thinking she’s going to be a great mum. Just another insane pervert.

  • People do use their kids, including newborn babies as a way to recreate the bridge that they destroyed. Why on earth do I want to be friends with a newborn baby or a toddler even?

    These people will do anything to keep the upper hand…….if it’s all to be had.

    • My STBX uses his kids any chance he gets. Shamelessly. He posted their pictures on dating sites. He got an autism awareness license plate (but has never taken our 15 year old daughter to a single assessment or therapy session). He will never stop.

      • OMG. Sick fuck. I am so sorry. It is so wrong when they use their children for their own ends. In my very brief time on online dating sites, it always creeped me out when a guy had pictures of his kids, particularly if they were teenage girls and he was wrapped all over them. Ugh. Now I know why I was so bothered. They’re trying to prove (over prove) what great dads they are. On a dating site. Where children should never be seen. And then there was the guy in the Santa costume. *shudder*

        • Yes. Very gross. It is written into my settlement that he can’t post their pics on dating sites. Not that it will stop him…

        • I don’t know. Assuming it is honest, I have no problem with a guy showing that he loves his kids. Being a parent is a really important part of who a person is and shows me potentially shared values. I guess the part that makes me shudder is the *dating site* … I feel no trust about anyone’s intentions there even though I know there must be some nice ones in there somewhere! I’m being circular and confused here …

          • The thing that I worry about is the general exposure. People falsely represent themselves on there all the time. I don’t want my kids, particularly my daughter who has disabilities, out there for the world to see. I also don’t trust my STBXs judgement or ability to protect her. He exposed me to STDs for a decade by having unprotected sex. On at least 3 occasions husbands of his affair partners threatened him with bodily harm. He was worried enough that he carried a baseball bat in his car to protect himself (told me he had a crazy ex patient…) but took no measures to protect his family or home.

            • Yes, that’s it exactly. There’s no way of knowing what sort of parent someone is simply because he posts pictures with his kids. My kids have no relationship with their dad so if he was using their pictures on a dating site it’d be false advertising because that relationship no longer exists and using their images on a dating site without their permission is wrong and creepy.

              And then there’s the guys who post pictures of themselves with their late wives… Being the cynic that I am, I always wonder if the wife is really deceased or if that’s just wishful thinking of the “widower’s” part. Not to mention, nothing says “ready to move on” like having your late (maybe) wife in every one of your dating profile pictures. Ugh.

              • Internet dating sites give me the creeps in general. I agree especially the ones of photos of Dads with their arms wrapped around their teenage daughters and photos of them looking like a couple rather than father daughter photos.

          • I agree I would not want my child’s picture up on a dating site for any reason just for internet safety reasons. And yes, dating sites just give me the creeps in general. But for those dads out there that genuinely love their kids … that is something I would want to know about them at some point. Fixing our pickers so that we can identify authentic versus manipulative information is key. Actions over statements.

            • Asshole ex posted the link to his MySpace account to his Craig’s list encounters that had my daughter (4th grade) wearing her small town softball uniform with the Name of our VERY small town very promilately displayed. One of the many things I will never forgive. They just don’t get it.

  • The part about the adult kids reaching out “it would be ok”, otherwise “he would respect your feelings” burns me up. As a chump kid, this is the father putting the burden on the kids, and he absolved himself from any effort.

    Obviously written by the baby’s mom who now wants to normalize the relationships. If the adult kids come around, it’s all cool, right? The baby’s father will be a good father to MY kid, cuz I’m special. Considering the cheater’s age, the OW will be changing two sets of diapers soon enough.

      • New Mom probably misses the drama of the cheating dynamic-why aren’t the kids and ex wife stalking her great catch, the old man? We need some attention over here! It sure is quiet, now I may have to get to know this guy. Hey! Maybe we should screw around on each other and ruin some more lives! #circleofstrife
        Baby is a Bullshit Prodigy! LOL!

    • “this is the father putting the burden on the kids” yes, which is a horrible thing to do.
      My H1.0 promised out teen sons that he wouldnt make them move…husband then moved away and put pressure on the kids to “join” him thus making the family disunity their responsibility. He sucked.

    • This is what they do “put the burden on the kids”. Highly disordered, my 10 year old had to reach out to his father if he wanted to see or talk to him post separation. WTH does that to a young child or an adult child for that matter. I can’t stand it – they beyond suck.

      • My ex ignored our oldest son completely on his birthday, when he turned 11. He picked up our daughter instead. My son is still messed up over it.

    • Nancy, my thought was like yours – written by the 30 yo mom.

      My next thought is – hey, we’ve got a baby now so we need free baby sitters. Let’s reconnect with the adult children and guilt them into wanting to spend time with the baby.

      • Call me cynical, but this isn’t about babysitting, it’s about letting the adult kids know there is a new sheriff in town, financially speaking. Although this cheater is too stupid to realize it, this baby was born to protect his mom’s line in the inheritance. Babies are expensive; they need to be fed, clothed, educated. Had this marriage failed, as so many cheating marriages do, OW would get nada damn thing. I bet the will has already been rewritten to provide for this bundle of joy, at the expense of family one.

        How do I know? Because it almost happened to my family. OW frantically tried to become pregnant by X, despite her age (late 40’s), his age and the fact that she was still married. She did this so that she could jump on the money train about to leave the station. I am so thankful to have avoided that mess, and I do believe OW’s duplicity about her intentions is one of the reasons X dumped her. After my experience, I never, ever underestimate the power of greed as a motivating factor in many of these young/old relationships!

        • Or, New Mom could think she has good motives–“Let me help my new H re-connect with his kids.” This could stem from possibly noble intentions (her new H has the sadz about no connection with his adult kids, she loves him & wants to help him overcome his sadz), or selfish ones (older sibs re-connect with Dad and new baby half-sibling gives her legitimacy instead of being known as the “slut who fucked dad while he was married”).

        • Or just the plain stupidity. X = 66, Howorker = 26. What do you think that was about? I’m furious that there is a chance he is screwing our adult children out of their rightful inheritance. I know nothing of X and girl-child situation now but would not be surprised if she hasn’t tricked him into something. And he is so STOOOOOOPID he probably fell for it.
          Twu luv <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

          • That happened to my kids, except new wife’s 3 kids were all over 18 yrs old and older than our 2 kids. When they married new wife made sure that my ex drew up a new will to include her adult kids in the inheritance of the family business (one that I helped him run for 20+ years and our kids were raised in), hence robbing our kids of what would have been rightfully and solely theirs… It’s sickening.

    • Plus, she’s going to need babysitters because she’ll need to be always vibrant and available (#policethemanIstole).

    • they totally love to put the onus back on anyone but them; my fucktard has not seen 2 of his kids for nearly a year (their choice – they’re late teens) and still manages to write emails implying they need to make the first move / apologize / owe him money for phone bills etc while simultaneously blaming me for the dysfunction of it all. Oh, and on top of that tactfully tells them how deliriously happy he is in his new life and that he made the right decision – Yea go dad!!?

    • Nancy, this is my EX life aswell.
      The GF had her baby at 23, just turned 24! Ex is 53.
      We are grandparents! Lol
      Dd is 26, mmhhmm DS is 22, yep!
      DD comunicates with her dad. DS, could care less, doesnt bother with his dad.
      Yes EX sends pics of baby to DD, my son said, ” he will be paying child support in the near future.”
      Those two muttonheads are trying to create the new and improved family. Good on them.
      Scumbalina tries, as well as Peterpan to remind them and me, they have a half sister..okie dokie.
      Well they have one thing in common.
      Discards one family, to start another. Great ole grandpa daddy! Lol

    • I got this today…patiently waiting for the kids to come around. While ex sits back and makes NO effort to mend any fences. A FB post here, an IG message there. But no effort. Has no idea who they even are, what they are doing, how they feel. But, I’ll wait for them to come around.

    • Uneffing

      I agree. As one who might read CL at least once a day….ok maybe a few times a day….ok all the freaking time…..I often wonder at the depths to which ‘adults’ and I am using that term strictly in terms of chronology, will go.

      I read this ‘letter from an infant’ and I’m actually thinking that maybe THIS is rock bottom?! It actually fizzles the wiring in my brain to try to comprehend the sheer fucked up nature of how some people operate.

      What man writes to his own adult children in the guise of his new baby daughter??? Just what does that? It is obscene. I wonder if he and the OW thought this up together?? God even the flies on the wall must have fallen off in horror.

      Honestly I don’t get it at all. I find it hard to mock too. It is so twisted it’s depressing. It just tells me that trust that they suck really isn’t enough in some cases.

      That is a sick mind at work.

      I would not know what to say to Had-it. Sounds like she and her kids are sensible and sane but really I have no words. Just What The Fuck??

      • Capricorn, I also think the dad is not getting the attention anymore.. I read dad had no contact for two years, he is screaming for attention. Must suck to have very little attention, cause babies require alot.
        New baby momma wrote that in hopes of cheering up cheater dad. Oh he misses and loves his kids. Bet he really does now. What doh dohs, Must be depressing.or they need babysitter.
        Hope cheater pants bought s long term care policy for himself.
        Cause he like my EX look forward to diapers, dementia and death!
        Two freakin years,

  • Sorry that’s how you feel … aka … not one bit sorry for what he did. In fact, he might…probably does…blame his own kids for the distance in their relationship. Sad.

    • He probably blames the letter writer, too. My ex is happy to spread blame around. He can’t seem to figure out that the kids don’t want anything to do with him because he’s an ass. Not because I told them he’s an ass.

      • Ha ha ha ha. They are so mentally disordered, it is impossible for them to see what asses they are.

    • or he blames wife #1 for turning the kids against him, because it COULDN’T have been his own actions (ask how I know about that one).

      • I agree, Tempest. It’s always blamed on the chump when the relationship with the kids goes off the rails. Their ego can’t take admitting that their actions had anything to do with it.

  • Talk about a non-apology apology–no return address and ***not even from him!!!***. Pathetic, manipulative, contemptible.

    Also, #sausageweeps FTW!!!

    • Also, I imagine this douche nozzle doing the same disappearing act on the new kid–should he live to 116.

      • Yes, I am sitting here imaging how special it will be for that baby when dad attends back to school nights looking like grandpa. He might not even make it to high school graduation … but if he does, he will probably have another 30 year old pushing the wheel chair.

    • #sausageweeps made me snort in the middle of my office.

      Yes this is the definitive #sorrynotsorry letter. All it does is make me pity the baby.

  • Dear Baby,
    Stock up on diapers because you are in for some SHIT.
    Your dad is quite the guy. Don’t worry that he will probably be senile or dead by the time you are an adult, he would have just abandoned you anyway.
    Maybe your mom will do such a good job with appearances that you won’t realize what a tool your dad is. We won’t hold that against you. We do feel really sorry for you, having been born to two selfish cheaters who will totally screw you up. Maybe you will get lucky and they will accidentally hire a kind nanny to raise you or send you to boarding school (beg to go home with friends for vacations, it probably won’t be too hard to convince them). If you manage to not be totally fucked up, look us up when you hit your teen years. You might also want to do internet searches on the guy your mom was engaged to before she screwed dad – we bet he has some good stories too!
    We may never meet, baby. The odds are stacked against you. You will probably be a messed up adult. As soon as you can speak, ask dad to save for college and therapy. (Those “th” sounds are tricky, so it may take some practice. Therapy. Show this letter to nanny. She can help.)
    We had the good fortune to be raised by our mom. You, as you will soon find out, got totally screwed in the parent lottery.
    Best wishes for you, baby.
    Bros before Hos (the ho is your mom… ?)

      • Just a tongue-in-cheek response to the “baby,” so I dumbed it down for her.
        Morning coffee + CL = my twisted sense of humor kicking in.
        I do genuinely feel sorry for that child. She has been used for image management since she was conceived, if not before…
        “See how devoted we are to each other?? We are having a BABY…”
        “It wasn’t just an affair, it is love. Because only people in love can make a baby…”

    • Oh, Louisvilleflower, that was awesome! As usual, a spot-on and funny as hell post from CL, and great responses from CN! The reason I come here every day.

  • #nevertooyoungtotriangulate Wow! So true!

    “I, like all chumps, was very good about putting him on a pedestal and doing everything, making him out to be the “best” to everyone.”

    Why do we do this? I guess this is what CL calls “spackling.” I kept 100% silent to EVERYONE for over 20 years. I didn’t tell anyone what was going on; convinced myself that telling people the truth was somehow dishonoring my now ex-husband. So of course everyone thought he was the perfect husband and father. Far from it. And when the shit hits the fan, family and friends are blind-sided too. And when you try to tell you story about the neglect and emotional abuse, it sounds crazy to some because all they saw the “perfect” family. THANKFULLY I have lots of people who have been supportive and believe me. The exes Flying Monkeys and Switzerland friends support the narc, so they are no longer in my life. Somehow my ex became the victim even though he was the one who cheated, lied, gaslighted and triangulated for 25 years. #sadsausagecryingbabytears #goodriddance #leavemealone

  • Just when you think there’s not a more pathetic example of cowardice, Had-it gives us one that tops them all.


    Had-it, PLEASE take comfort in knowing that simply by virtue of taking breath each day, your sons are already far better men than this total invertebrate who created them.

    (and on top of that, another gem for us from Tracy — “And the beautiful thing about thoughts is, you can’t prove them. Unlike actions, which you should never pay attention to.”)

    • UXWorld.

      That’s exactly right. COWARDICE.
      Blimey. It’s done my head in. I’m off for a run…

      • And before I go for that run I would just like to state for the record that I know I know I know that it is good we are all here and we all know the truth of fuckwits and the reality of living with them and of fuckwittery in general ….BUT
        sometimes does any one else just really wish they lived in unicorn land and letters like this would be inconceivable and where stuff was always nice….
        I’m feeling kinda sad sausage-y myself after this.
        It’s going to be a long run…..

    • THIS. He is so emotionally infantile that he can’t even apologize on his own, he has to use his baby as a sock puppet.

        • Not only did he sock puppet a baby, he abdicated the responsibility of repairing the father/son relationships onto the victims, his two grown sons. The added cherry on the top, after he manipulated the story is that he got to tie it up with the “I respect your decision” bow thusly making DAD the respectful one.
          (P.S. that is classic abuser tactic. A very damning one, too, because it shows the level of self deceit the abuser can sink to.)

          Gas lighting, manipulation and assuaging guilt for wrong deeds in one paragraph.
          That new family is screwed…..

    • Good point UXWorld, cowardice, and the clearest demonstration I’ve seen how a disordered person using their kid as an extension of themselves. Setting up a manipulation trap where there’s no win for the receiver of the message:

      If you respond and break NC, the cheater is going to get kibbles and you’ll suffer.
      If you don’t respond and remain NC, the cheater will spin a story about how heartless you are not to want to meet his daughter, which will hurt your reputation and image depending on how Switzerland common friends and family are.

      The beautiful thing is that with grown up kids, us chumps can help them validate that their cheater parent has serious limitations in mustering the courage it takes to live a integrity-driven life. Keep reinforcing that this is far from how a “normal” dad communicates and that they have choices to make in terms of how much they want to see their half-sibling. sending you strength Had-it.

  • My ex left me for the OW 3 years ago this past Halloween. He never apologized, never admitted the affair, never looked back. This January will mark 2 years since he has seen or spoken to our 4 kids. His choice. I’ve begged him to see the kids. Found out he married the OW this past September. Some people are just born without empathy and have the ability to turn off parts of their lives they don’t want to deal with. He was done with being a dad and chose to quit that part of his life to live it with a childless woman so they could ride the Harley to their hearts content. Here I sit, with my kids, never having been apologized to and left in a trail of dust with a shit storm to clean up alone. But, we will all make it through. Being a mom and a dad is exhausting but so rewarding. And the toxicity is gone from our lives. I know I’m not alone, this happens to lots of other people. I made it through and you and your kids can too!!!

    • As I’ve said before, my grandfather pulled this move 3 time–3 wives, 7 kids, two step kids. He stayed in sporadic content with the first 5 kids, but we parted ways when he badmouthed wife #3 to me. She was a lot younger, close to my mom’s age (my mom was his oldest child).

    • No one should ever have to beg a parent to see or have a relationship with their own children. Children should not be subjected to these defects that have abandoned them or are biding their time, looking at their watch because some court ordered visitation they feel they must fulfill. Tell the kids flat out that mom/dad is a loser and it is best they are not part of their lives.

    • I am sorry Yiddleflower. This sucks as bad as the demented who keep trying to manipulate you and your kids after divorce. It must be incomprehensible for your babies. And it must be hard for you reading about other chumps whose Xs are at least pretending. You are doing great looking after your family. Remember it is an intact family, you have lost nothing with that fuckwit leaving. You are mighty.

  • Can I point something else out, please? They both had the same letter?! They are two individuals, grown men. He is their father. But he sent them both the same generic letter?

    Also, noted there’s NOTHING personal about them. i.e. “I hope XYZ is going well, I know you were about to start ABC, I hope it is coming along well, sending love to DEF” etc etc. Nothing about them or their lives, it’s all about him.

    Oh sorry, I forgot. The baby wrote it.

      • When I wrote: “I forgot. The baby wrote it.” I was being sarcastic! 🙂

      • In any case, the AP was a friend of one of the son’s partners. She’d have known enough about the sons in order to write individual letters to them both. I don’t know, even with her writing it, I still think it’s rather narcissistic, and not giving a stuff about the sons.

    • Baby mama wrote this letter. Now that she has a child, she may have had an awakening. I hope the sons did not respond in any way. Sorry SOB needs to face his children.

      • I bet the baby mama OW wrote it for sure. I bet Sadsack McCheaterface didn’t even know. She’s hoping for a grand reconciliation that she an take all the glory and credit for.

        OW wrote my exMIL a letter that she didn’t consult my ex about. In her letter she explained why exMIL should cut off all contact with me and stop doing anything to financially benefit me because I am a terrible person. It made exMIL give me even more money to help with my daughter’s expenses and we grew even closer.

  • Omg this could have been written by my ex,( or his baby)….they are really disgusting selfish cowards. My ex looks like his baby’s grandpa.
    The irony of it all, is he wanted fun, run off with young chick and be free..bahaaa jokes on you grandpa, I am now the free one.
    The thought of cartoons, teething, meltdowns, diapers and feeding in ones 50’s is the ultimate karma to me.
    My older children think hes pathetic, and have no interest in being part of grandpas new life.

    • can I send a wish to the universe that the ow/baby mama ends up changing the diapers of both the baby and baby daddy at the same time? Or is that mean? 58 is far from old, but shit happens.

      I used to hate getting thank you notes for baby gifts FROM THE BABY. I’m not an idiot. I fucking know the baby didn’t write it. Pet peeve, sorry.

      • Maybe the baby is a genius and learned how to write letters. Perhaps, he/she started writing letters a couple of days after leaving the hospital. lol

  • The “baby letter”, was obviously written by the baby Mama. Baby Mama is a class act…not…..

    Baby Mama objective:
    Rub her importance to the same age step kids
    Guilt trip the adult step kids into passive aggressively calling them out as being “baby haters” if they don’t bend to her agenda and offer baby sitting services while she and Grandpa-Baby-Daddy go clubbing.

    No worries, Baby Mama is the most likely beneficiary of Granpa-Baby-Daddy’s life insurance policy . It’s not her fault if he dies of a heart attack on the dance floor from poor circulation due to tight white pants and overuse of Viagra.

    Wouldn’t be surprised if the baby is the love child of some side dude, Grandpa-Baby-Daddy doesn’t notice the “Baby” looks a lot like the pizza delivery guy friend who moonlights as her personal trainer.

    Stay tuned….

    • That was my first thought–the OW/Baby Mama wrote this. The baby is her entree into a pick-me dance. But she’s dancing alone.

      • Looks like Baby Mama will soon be doing diaper double duty for both the Baby and Grandpa-Baby-Daddy.

        I’d be tempted to send anonymous coupons for Depends and Pampers.

    • PF, your comments made me laugh so hard. I almost snorted my morning tea. Thank you!

      Grandpa Baby Sugar (in a artificial high fructose corn syrup sort of way)Daddy!

      STBXH is living with his married AP he met in skanky massage parlor, while she gave him massages with “happy endings”, and who was born the year after we graduated from high school.

      They are, he said, “trying to have a love baby” and “that’s what people do when they are in love”. He’s had to have his over 30-year vasectomy reversed (paid for with marital funds, and yes, I damn well am getting the money back thanks to my lawyering up) Sounds like a match made in heaven and a solid foundation to raise a child, doesn’t it?

      He spends little to no time with our amazing adult son, wife and 3 beautiful grandchildren. He doesn’t have time for old life now…he has a new with a new audience for his performance.

      He’s also been highly contentious, in settling our marital matters, since I filed for divorce. He’s hateful and beyond angry I kicked him out on DD, which was in the same week I was diagnosed with aggressive cancer.

      My will to live was and is stronger than caring about and trying to “save him” or keep believing his lies. No more chump here! He loved delicious, delicious cake! He could care less if I live or die and likely would prefer the later as he would get out of paying alimony.

      He also can’t be bothered with things like wife with cancer or hurt adult child, both with deeply wounded hearts. Too bad for him that I’m strong and have every intention of living a long, cheater free life!

      It’s been 9 months of no contact and I have gained my Nancy Sinatra, go go boot, ass kicking legs.

      I will receive his life insurance for life should Grandpa Baby Dad die before me. Nothing for STD vessel AP.

      He needs to pay me half his income for life due to long term marriage, my having cancer and not being able to work (not that it kept he and his muck below a thick layer of pond scum attorney from arguing my cancer wasn’t bad and I certainly could work). Yes, Virginia, these low life’s exist.

      Fortunately I live in a community property state that uses solid case law as basis for settlement in regards to long term marriages, equalization of marital income and assets, age and health of parties. It’s my “time served with serial cheater” and “beating cancer” money. Not quite the retirement planned but I won’t be cold, alone and living under a bridge.

      So while money grubbing, younger than our son, skank baby momma thinks she’s getting a sugar Grandpa baby Daddy. What she’s getting is a broke and broken pod, that has an open shaft where his soul should be, “I’ll take care of you baby”, nice guy image in a pile of decomposing trash. Come on karma bus…

      Meanwhile I’m closer to meh, Tuesday, being cancer free and am grateful for and enjoying the Crown Jewels (our family, our friends and a strong, cheater-free soul) myself!

      The karma bus is rolling in…stay tuned, trust that they suck and lawyer up CN.

      • Good for you! I wish you a long and happy life, to dance and spit on that cheater’s grave, covered in jewels paid for by his life insurance. Ha!

      • FreeNow

        I can hear that Karma Bus coming for your stupid ex. I thinks it’s a double decker bus coming his way.

        Bless you FreeNow


    • OMFG. My FF wears too tight pants and is addicted to Viagra. Like 3 to 4 times a week. Note we haven’t had sex (my choice) in over 4 months. He’s an MI twitching in the dance floor waiting to happen. Glad I have life insurance as part of the separation requirement.

  • I just had the best mental visual of a cardigan wearing baby typing at the keyboard pulling sad faces and puffing on a cigar.

    What a chickenshit milquetoast cheater, using his new super baby as a communication tool and Teflon shield. Yuck. Or should I say “goo goo”

  • Unfucking believable – Shaking my head. Poor chump and chump children – this guy just gave being a complete tool and asshole a whole new meaning.

  • I don’t think dear old Dad wrote this at all. This is the Wifestress. He probably approved it somehow, but this has Schmoopie written all over it. She got the “insurance” baby, the “force your hand” baby (notice the timeline, he didn’t marry her until she was pregnant), and now that she has the family life she has fantasized about, the fantasy will be better for her if her husband’s adult children will just let bygones be bygones. Think about it – we all know how desperately the idiots and their schmoopies want to have their relationship legitimized in the eyes of friends and family. She NEEDS his adult kids to start taking part of their lives, or she is gonna have some strange ‘splaining to do when the weeks-old “author” of this letter gets old enough to start asking questions about daddy’s other kids and why they don’t come around.

    My in-laws did this very thing (FIL and MIL). They are a couple made of one asshole husband and one husband-stealer. He knocked her up with the baby who would become my husband while he was still quite married to his first wife. He had 3 children with his wife, two who were teen and preteen, and one little guy who was two years old. The older children flatly REFUSED to deal with him or his mistress-turned-wife, and gave them a terribly hard time when they were forced into visitation or whatever. So, when she popped out my husband, they shamelessly used the baby as leverage against those poor kids and their heartbroken mother.

    To them: “He’s your BROTHER, and he’s and INNOCENT LITTLE BABY. He had nothing to do with this mess, and he is just going to want to have a relationship with you and you are going to be his HEROES, because he is just a TINY PRECIOUS BABY.”

    To her: “He’s their BROTHER, he’s just a BABY, you should tell them that they can hate us if they want but they need to be there for THEIR BROTHER, because he’s a WITTLE BABY who shouldn’t be hurt because of adult’s bad choices. Make your kids play nice, lady, anything else hurts AN INNOCENT BABY.”

    It was awful for everyone involved, and the family is crazy dysfunctional to this day. All of this rhetoric was driven by my MIL, the sneaky bitch who helped destroy his family. He was ready to move on with his new replacement wife and kid, but she insisted the baby could and should be the one to fix it all. This letter for the UBT sounds like my MIL could have written it, and I’d bet dollars to donuts this was Schmoopies idea.

    • I know an ‘insurance’ baby. Lots to inherit. Like millions. He was put on ADHD meds as a normal little boy (but so needy! The country club and Cartier needs me more!) and is now an addict adult with a fiancée. She just had the next generation of insurance baby. And grandma is 17 yrs older than the daughter. It’s heartbreaking for his half siblings to watch. Cue The Circle Game. Or the theme to Hee Haw.

    • Little mighty me

      Well you nailed it. Thanks for your insight. I just never would have figured this out myself as I didn’t imagine people could be so low really.
      I didn’t spot the danger for the adult kids either. I just saw the letter as cowardly and weird but you are right the adult children are probably lovely people who might feel guilty about ‘rejecting’ their half sibling.
      just wow.

      • @ Capricorn
        Exactly! I mean, what kind of mean horrible teen or adult wants to completely write off a younger sibling because of the sins of adults? It perversely appeals to the sympathy of older kids or young adults, because most people WOULD have a hard time cutting out a young child who appears to want a relationship with them…after all, it isn’t the baby’s fault. It reeks to me of a subtle but very effective manipulation…look the other way in regards to the adults behaviors and be there anyway for the sake of a kid who didn’t ask to be born into his/her situation. Hell, I’ve done that. I’ve put up with ugly behaviors of family or friends and didn’t give too much pushback for that very reason- because there were children in the situation I cared about and I wanted to maintain my relationship with THEM.

        The cheaters and their partners know this, I have no doubt. So the manipulation starts with the new baby, and continues long into the future, all in the name of “the good of the children.”

        Come over for holidays for the good of the cihildren. Shared family celebrations for the good of the children. Don’t challenge our narrative ever, because family disagreements just hurt the children. Don’t push back on us when we behave badly, because elevated tension or drama isn’t good for the children. Play nice and get along, because it is what is good for the children. If you won’t legitimize our relationship explicitly, legitimize it with your silence…because THE CHILDREN.

        There is no limit to how many ways disordered people can use children as a manipulation tactic. I saw it and still see it amongst my in-laws, and all the players there are long grown. Yet the pattern still plays.

    • My cheating bastard father’s parents, so my paternal grandparents, refused to have anything to do with me or my mother when I was born and sent back a photo of me he had sent them, stating they would have “nothing to do with this little red head who looks like her mother”. Hurtful to me when I found out age 11, but I see now that they were standing by his chumped wife and 2 sons, and rightly so. I never met, if I could speak to them now, I would tell them they did the right thing. So funnily enough, it would be an honour to meet them now…

        • Thanks Nyra! I feel a bit like “in space, no one can hear you scream” when people are soooo cool about cheating… Thank goodness for CN.

  • If you ever do talk to him again (and I’m not suggesting you break NC) I suggest you do it through a sock puppet.

  • My adult kids went NC after they found out that their das was a serial cheater who left for AP #2 ( and then #5….because they “started back up”), because he lied to them constantly about who he was (the kids asked direct questions about his new love and he lied…..ugh!) , because he is lacking in moral fiber, and because he is un repentant.
    He texts the kids on holidays and their birthdays to tell them how much he would like a relationship with them
    (while he plays das to her kids 8&12) , he will conduct this relationship minus the schmoopie if they want, and that he has the sadz not seeing them anymore.
    Ummmm……don’t do shitty things.
    My grown kids are smart…..they got smart faster than me that’s for damn sure. They know a couple of things are certain:
    1. He never nurtured his relationship with them when he had one.
    2. He knows he looks like an asshole to people that know his kids have gone no contact. He wants to justify ending up with the AP by showing everybody is okay.
    3. If they tried to start a relationship he wouldn’t want it anymore.
    It’s all about them not wanting him, if they did he would lose interest.#winning.
    4. He’s toxic.
    5. There’s no way to compartmentalize your life forever. That he sells the ” you just have to be good with me and never see ( never?? ever??) schmoopie is insanity…..and my kids will never be okay with her.

    Sometimes the kind of crazy entitlement they think they deserve boggles the mind.

  • I’m envisioning him doing puppet therapy in some quack’s office. “This sock puppet is you, and this sock puppet is your eldest son. Can you show where on your puppet it hurts? Aw, you poor thing, you’re pointing to your foot/elastic. You must be in so much pain from your fuckfest with a woman half your age. Now, can use your words instead of a blank stare? No no no, we don’t chew on the sock puppets!”

  • Dear Had-It and The Boys,

    If ever there was a day to count your blessings, this is it. Without. A . Doubt.

    Only the truly most disordered mind in the world could have written and mailed this letter. I’m betting it was the OW who wrote it… she doesn’t want her new fresh baby growing up in the stigma stench that comes from committing adultery, let alone marrying and procreating. Gee whiz, after all, it’s been 22 months and surely by now you all realize theirs was a love greater than any and that could not be denied.

    I pray for this new baby. To be growing up in a home with TWO disordered parents, good Lord.

    Once again the UBT is spot on. Someone is feeling very entitled to their happiness and DAMMIT you better all just accept it because the baby is telling you how contrite his Daddy is. Looks more to me like IMAGE CONTROL.

    Don’t take the bait Had-It and the Boys. You’ve moved on… keep on going. When the baby is grown and has the capability of speech and what not, let the kids all decide together if they want a sibling relationship. But Dad and his Twat… nope.

  • “he understands why you feel the way you do” ” he will continue to respect your feelings”

    He never ever asked what their feelings were. I guess he believes he’s omnipotent too.

  • Shameful to use half sibs to guilt first family kids into contact.
    My teenage daughter is NC with her father, younger brother is still in contact. Ex frequently sends daughter pics of the two half sibs and tells her stories of the happenings in the family (OWife, too).
    Ex does not understand how he is rubbing salt in the open wound,and torturing daughter.
    1) he abandoned daughter for the OWife and now new family
    2) daughter asked to see baby sibling, without seeing ex, and ex REFUSED– no contact with him, no contact with half siblings.
    Talk about emotional blackmail.

    It’s always all about them.

    • He’s a POS, every time I read about him refusing to let her see the babies if she won’t see him, I want to strangle him.

  • The only thing missing from this exercise in guilt and manipulation is a subtle dig chastising the two older children for having failed to send birthday and Christmas presents, perhaps modified by letting them know that they are forgiven for their oversight because so far baby has been too young to open them, but not this year!

  • Methinks hubby is constantly reminding wife #2 what he sacrificed for her, that wife #1 is evil and won’t speak to him, that she has turned the kids off him. Wife #2 (dumb twat, for sure, but possibly drinking the Kool-Aid) is probably desperate to stop the triangulation so she can have that life hubby promised her. So it could be her writing the letter.

    Or it could be a joint effort between the two of them and they’re quite proud of themselves. Narcs and Selfish APs don’t tend to have a checks-and-balance system in place … “Huh? ‘Filter?’ What’s that?”

    Or he wrote it because he wants to stop the inner voices telling him he’s a prick. Narcs are infantile.

    So yeah, a baby wrote this.

    • To clarify, wife #2 in this instance is a prick herself because of her connections to the family … she knew full well what she was getting into and yeah, it was probably a shot gun wedding. So ‘drinking the Kool-Aid’ wouldn’t apply here. But she’d still feel the triangulation pressure because she’d want it to be all about herself and he keeps reminding her it isn’t.

      • Other issues are:
        – when they split up, he’ll probably be only on his pension, she won’t get much dosh our of him.
        – probably can’t afford much life insurance for old daddy so if /when he conks out before kid is grown, she’ll be poor
        – not long after whore is done with nappies and toddler tantrums, he will be a boring old man, and soon after that she can look forward to wiping his incontinent piss off of the floor at best, or changing his grandpa pads.
        So she needs to reach out to the family cos she’ll need support, poor dear.

  • Relationship’s with big age differences always have additional problems. It’s hard enough when the age range is close and there are many areas of agreement in thinking, mating with someone who is close to your children’s age is just asking for misery. I do feel sorry for the new baby — but if he is really interested in getting to know his half-siblings when he is old enough to make up his own mind, I am sure he will be able to find them on his own. By that time, grandpa/daddy and mommy will probably have split up anyway. The child really is getting a raw deal from the very start of his life.

    I know a couple who have a 30 year difference in age. She didn’t know how far apart they were in age until after they had started dating. She was actually looking for companionship. Neither wanted any additional children, their children were grown. The “good times” lasted about a year and a half, and they were not all good, either. Early on, after the marriage, he started with the jealousy. He was a widower, she was divorced, they did not start off with the cheater problem. But as his ability declined, he became more obsessive about her. He didn’t believe in her lack of interest in sex — she wasn’t opposed to it, but never had a strong desire for sex with him. I think she was hoping he wouldn’t be able to be demanding. Wrong. Not only did he want to “try” any and everything to enhance his abilities, he also wanted to know where she was and what she was doing every minute, and he liked to “surprise” her by dropping in on her at work, or when she was having lunch with her friends, he needed calls when she was leaving work, didn’t want her to stop at the grocery store or anywhere else after work — just come straight home. He would make promises to do things, take trips, etc, and then cancel at the last minute. He had a heart condition, but insisted he needed to use medications to address his low T, and other problems. The final straw was his insistence on a penile implant. At 72. Seriously. There was never going to be any peaceful contented co-existence in this marriage. It was built on a foundation of false hope and insecurity. They are now in the divorce process. Surprise!

    If you don’t have enough sense to control your impulses, there are consequences. Thinking about how to live your life may not be “romantic” — but making good decisions will certainly make your life less dramatic and traumatic.

    • By the time this baby is old enough to look for his half-siblings, daddy will be pushing up the daisies anyway. Idiots.

  • 3 things:

    1) Ew ew ew! Speaking on behalf of a baby, in the first person. This is just soooo creepy. This made me shudder.

    2) I am SO glad that CL touched on the “sorry you feel that way” sentiment. I’m am so sick of people (cheaters and noncheaters) using this as an apology. IT IS NOT AN APOLOGY.

    3) And how about “how things went”? OMG! This passive language is exactly what my STBX prefers to use and it makes me LOSE MY SHIT more than anything else. “How things went”? Really??? As if “things” took a turn for the worse the same way (for instance) that the weather unexpectedly changes from sunny to stormy? This was out of your hands? You had no control or agency in the matter? “how things went”??

    Go fuck your yourself!!

  • I would probably just throw this in the trash where it belongs if I were on the receiving end, but the temptation would be great to send a reply “from” my dog or one of my cats.

  • My translation is that he’s been lying to the OW about his behavior. She thinks he’s been reaching out to them and he hasn’t.

    Or maybe she just wants to make you all jealous and prove she got a good deal after all. And that she’s a nice person who rises above things and tries to make friends.

    I wonder if he even knew she sent the photo?

    My two cents worth anyway.

  • Dear Had-it, I am angry for you and your kids! 36 years of marriage, two adult children, thousands of shared memories, and this asshole just decides to abandon everything! Then has the audacity to send a letter from his “newborn” that he spawned with the OW. I can’t get over the selfishness and complete disregard these pricks have for anyone besides themselves- even their children. Clearly this man is not capable of love or any type of self-awareness. I am so sorry you have to deal with this type of assault on your life. I’m sure your mama bear instincts are kicking in and you want to rip his headoff. However, I am confident people like your ex husband will eventually get what they have sown into other people’s lives- the pain, trauma, sorrow (ALL of it). Until then, I think this shows how blessed you are to be rid of such a horrible example of a human being. You have a wonderful life awaiting you, you’re free of a toxic husband. Go shine your light while you travel the road to meh, hang in there and make sure the only dancing you and your kids do is to your favorite song! Chump Strong, we are here with you! ??

  • I’d say 90% of the cheaters and APs here are experts on using their kids and even other kids to cover their tracks, triangulate, PR. The others are just experts at blowing their kids lives up.
    What I would like to see is a return to laws where adulterers lost custody of their kids, may be granted supervised visits and nothing more. It uses to be called immorality and kids had to be protected from a bad example.
    My aunt used to leave her 7-8 old daughters in the car while visiting her AP. They knew what was going on and did they give her hell when they became teenagers!! But they also wrecked their education, hooked up early with bad boys, she had to get my mum to chase them around the country. Couldn’t be bothered to do it herself …

  • Maybe Baby Mama is hoping to trade the 58 year old in for one of his sons or someone her own age. She’s trying to re-establish contact & she is a good friend/classmate of one son’s wife, by report. Are they still friends or in contact or has she been cut off too? Baby Mama is a narcissist cheater too & may be looking for attention, competition, centrality. The 58 year old will cramp her style. Or maybe he doesn’t want to stay with a Baby Mama & a load of diapers.

  • I don’t have time to read the comments so I’m sure I am repeating my fellow chumps.
    This is really hard to wrap my head around. I would be absolutely devastated to receive his letter from my new baby sister, which by the way, proves without a doubt, that daddy dearest’s cock jollies not only imploded the world I knew, but resulted in a DNA combination of two extremely fucked up people.
    I’m so sorry the children, even grown, received this. Men look at things different than women, so perhaps the legitimate children of the first marriage will eventually forgive and move on, possibly forging a relationship with daddy dearest again.
    Regardless, the level of maturity of this letter sounds like a 30 year old mentality. Wow, it reeks of major mindfuckery, manipulation, triangulation, and just plain evil to use an innocent baby in this way.
    I have no words, other than it speaks volumes about how horrific the discard, betrayal, and subsequent fallout of this ClusterFuck must be. There is no way to avoid suffering when you have this nightmare on your hands, it keeps on going and going.
    Mr Cock Jolly better get his wallet out. When baby mama tires of him he is gonna be working till he dies. All to shoot a batch of semen in some young thang.
    That batch was his kiss of death, and good cuz he can FUCK OFF.

  • I agree with the sis and bros who suspect the GreatLoveOfHisLife wrote this, perhaps with or without the ex’s knowledge. Thinking that he would find it so cute when told afterward because everything she ever did during the affair/divorce was so darn cute. She is still the great one to be adored, is she not? Or perhaps she is starting to see the faraway look in his darn eyes he used to get when describing his miserable life with the wife. Perhaps she remembers how easy it was to “convince” this good solid, honest family man who had all the integrity in the world but was stuck in a horrid marriage ( to be rescued from) that she had so much more to offer . Perhaps a real family man Mccoy would not have ended up in her bed to start with, another pesky little red flag starting to flap in the recess of her mind. Perhaps she is starting to wonder if committing to a baby, a new house/mortgage at 58 is starting to invade -his knight in the white armour- mind and the jerk is starting to wonder if this was all worth it. Perhaps she wanted to keep him all to herself during the honeymoon period after he left the family for her and now realized he might actually starts resenting his new deal? Perhaps if the boys came back, her great love in the universe would be happy again with no such thoughts now entering his mind? If it is her who wrote this drivel, she is not thinking about her baby, she is not thinking about the two sons, she is in typical fashion thinking about her own future. And if the jerk wrote it, he is not thinking about the baby, or the two sons to love. He is thinking about having two sons to love HIM.

  • As I strive to understand how I ended up with somebody fuck up as my ex- this letter has the light bulb going on. This is something I don’t talk about at all but this post triggered my childhood tragedy.

    My dad was this guy. A worse version. He was married and had five kids when he took up with my mom who was 25 years younger than him and barely 20 years old.

    They got together, he left his wife, and had me. My dad screwed over his old children for his new girlfriend (my mom). Bringing them over to hang out with me once in a while. Of course, I was oblivious, I was just a baby. His older children were pissed and never came over. This went in for a few years.

    How did it all end? In the saddest way. My mom decided to leave my dad for his fucked up ways and he killed her in front of me, kidnapped me, and almost killed me too. Yes this is heavy, heavy, stuff I struggle with. His selfishness blew up my life.

    The police closed in after days of him hiding out with me – me at the last minute he chose not to kill me and killed himself instead. He’s claimed he’d never go back to jail.

    I became a ward of the state. My half brothers and sisters never saw me again.

    He blew up all of our worlds for himself. And I guess that’s the answer as to how I can be attracted to sparkly motherfuckers like my dad.

    I was that little innocent baby who has had an effed up life – I’m sad for the innocent baby. Why do motherfuckers take such pleasure in having children only to fuck them up?

      • Thank you. I am sad too. But I had no control over what my parents did. I sure paid a heavy price for their selfishness though.

        • I am so sorry. This is absolutely horrific. You are amazing for surviving all this. Of course it has affected the rest of your life, the way you selected your mates. You have developed your insight walking through a firestorm. Thank you for sharing this. The majority of the cheaters here won’t cause as much tragedy, it will be on a smaller scale. But still, it is a question of degrees, and who knows which one of these fuckers will turn out to be someone like your dad? Can never be too careful, so your story is a warning to others. Thank you.
          This is not hereditary, you have been affected but you have not turned into you mum or dad. You are your own person and here to help others. Paying it forward, well done!

          • Thank you. It’s hard to talk about. I think they lived on in my choices though – I still dated and had friends like my parents. I’m just ‘getting it’ now. I now have cut all old ties and am doing work daily on changes this picker of mine.

            That’s all we can do. Fix it as we learn and know ourselves.

              • I actually came from a fairly stable family. Nobody cheated on or hurt anybody. I still married my cheating ex. Part of the reason I was so hell bent on getting married in my early 20s is that I had become even more religious than my family of origin. I was afraid I was wrong for taking care of some of my own needs and thought I needed a husband to do that for me. My mom even tried to tell me that she didn’t think there was anything wrong with me taking care of those needs myself, but I didn’t listen. So, of course, I wanted to get married ASAP. I figured nothing that could happen in marriage would be worse than having to deal with that current frustration. I was wrong. Sometimes, it’s not our family of origin that causes problems. Some of us would have avoided pain if we had listened to our family of origin, but we were too bent on going our own way.

            • Ctothe9th, I am so sorry you had so much to overcome in life!

              “I still dated and had friends like my parents.” My story is not as painfully challenging as yours, but I too have learned that when it comes to relationships, what feels “normal” to me is to bathe in a cesspool of dysfunction due to the environment I grew up in.

              Now I am focused on fixing my picker and setting up strong boundaries, work in progress… Sending you big hugs as you continue your journey to Meh!

    • Oh my God, Chumpedtothe9thdegree. Searching for words to convey how horrified I am at what happened to you, and to your mother. There are some things from which we can’t fully recover, just move on with their weight always on our back. You are courageous to have survived the trauma.

      • Tempest, thank you. I try not to look back but it looks like my chumpdom was started in childhood. I’m starting to see my ex was a cookie cutter verison of my dad. I need to fix this so I make good decisions in people.

        • I hear you, Chumptothe9th. I married my lunatic mother the first time out. Sometimes, when it feels like you’ve known someone your entire life, you have. But you don’t have to make that mistake again. You are a strong person. You are mighty. And sucky people don’t define you going forward. Hugs to you.

        • Ctothe9, thank you for sharing your story. That you are here to tell it at all speaks of your STRENGTH (even if you may sometimes feel otherwise inside). Silent lurkers here who have experienced extreme violence from insane adults during their childhood will know they are not alone and will be validated. We did not get to choose our parents but, as adults, we can learn to better pick who we want in our circle. This is my goal, too. It’s been the most difficult thing to learn ..

          The insight I wish to offer CN is that I found I could not start on a healthy new path until I discarded all the crazy old; and I do mean ALL. That transition period in between is difficult; to be alone without any friends, family, etc. (because they were so toxic). However, I treasure the peaceful, drama-less time so much that I don’t want to give it up by engaging with new people who might turn out to be inappropriate. I suppose I just need to trust in my own ability to set firm boundaries in order to risk making new connections.

          • Done
            The fact that you recognise that you need to totally discard maybe most of your past and embark on your own journey alone for a while until you can set appropriate boundaries to include others shows that you have come a long way towards that already. To me being able to see your past with clarity is one of the hardest things to do as it requires you to separate and look back with an unflinching eye with a hope that things can be better for you.
            Trusting your own abilities and learning to love ourselves and to eventually let others love us in appropriate ways is so hard for a lot of us with dysfunctional parents.
            Knowing where you have come from and what you have survived, knowing who you are and the worth of yourself and having trust that this vision you have for yourself can be achieved shows your strength of character.
            You. Rock.

            • Capricorn, thank you for your kind encouragement. You may not see this since I’m responding days later. Wanted to tell you I’m impressed with your progress since you’ve only recently discovered the betrayal. I appreciate your contributions to the discussion boards here .. I’m one of your secret fans. My best wishes to you.

    • So sorry. My childhood was screwed from the start. Both parents cheaters and narcs. My dad would poison our pets to punish us for mom’s cheating and then, he would send photos of a woman sucking his dick . Needless to say my sister and I found those photos. We were told that we were never wanted. We were told please don’t have grandchildren for us. We saw sex between our mom and her men at early ages. We were raised thinking that was normal. I finally know through years of therapy that nothing about my childhood was normal. I apparently disassociated to survive and my therapist says that I still do it as a coping mechanism. I can’t imagine the fear that you felt when your own father wanted to kill you. My father sent me an email when I turned 50 to say he had disowned me because I wouldn’t jump through his hoops. My mother wants her daughters back in her 80’s to care for her. I don’t feel anything for them. I am not feeling anything for the STBX either. Disassociate personality can be a good thing.

      • Saw, I am sorry you had such a horrific childhood. I hope you let them rot in the sewer they created. Thank goodness you have come through. I have seen in your previous posts how thoughtful and smart you are. Take care.

    • What a tragedy for you and your siblings! I am so very sorry you were abused in this way. Your father’s conduct was reprehensible and truly illustrates the destruction that can be caused when a malignant narcissist decides to inflict pain on innocent people. So many lives were ruined, and for no damn good reason except purely evil selfishness.

    • I am so sorry you were part of such a horrific experience. It took so much courage to share your story.

    • I’m so so sorry you endured that ordeal!!!! I hope you find or have the healing and peace your deserve. <3
      These types bring destruction to every life they touch.

    • Chumptothe9thdegree – I’m glad you shared this with us. What a horror that must have been, and a heavy trauma for you to carry in life. I am so sorry, and wish you strength and a path through that nightmare and the effects it has undoubtedly had in your life.

    • Whoa! Chumptothe9thdegree-Yours is a story that could not have been worse for everyone involved. Selfishness and egocentricity rule for Cheaters. Followed by low consciousness and entitlement. Thank you for sharing your story, it certainly makes sense that you had no healthy role models and were destined to have to figure everything out yourself. It is a lonely world without guidance and someone who really has your back. I am so sorry to read your words and know you have lived through all of this abandonment.
      I wish I had words to uplift you, or to change any of the horrific traumas you have faced.
      I hope you are truly blessed in the future.

  • @mehisstartingtofeelrealgood

    I think you might be onto something here, regarding possible motivations. I can only speak for myself when I say that I was fairly narrow and self-concerned with my thinking up until I had a my first child. I was not objectionably immature, nor was I self-centered to the point of offense…but there were things I did not and could not conceive of until I had my son. Like people always say about kids, you can’t ever really understand until you have kids what it is like to have kids. That was so true for me. The world (and my mind and my heart) just blew right open when I became a mom.

    I referred to my MIL upthread, and the way she did this very same “pushing” thing on her stepchildren when she produced a son of her own with my FIL (a man she started an affair with while he was with his first wife). I know that at least part of the motivation for her in trying to “repair” his relationship with his older children was because she suddenly understood the stakes involved now that she had a child with him. Please understand, I am not excusing it – no way. It is still disordered and freaky. It is beyond entitled, selfish and horrible.

    But I can see it. The OWife has had a baby with a man who has proven WITH her he isn’t a family man at all. She produced a child with someone who can callously abandon his children. I bet there is a helluva lot of motivation for her to try and polish him up, turn him into the family man she hopes he will be for her own child(ren). After all, if she can facilitate a repair (however superficial) of the relationship with his older children, it makes it easier for her to believe he really has changed for her, and she can continue to delude herself that their love is really that special, and his treatment of his first family was a one-off, out-of-character detour and not his core self.

    • You are very generous and understanding, Little Mighty Me. You make some good points, and this is the way I used to look at people’s actions. Always looking for the good. It made me a chump, so I’ll pass on that from now on. Having said that, it feels good to know there are such kind hearted people as you out there. Just be careful not to waste it on the wrong people…

      • @Kiwi Chump

        Thank you! But oh, no. Fuck these types of people. I can understand how THEY see their motivations, but I think people who think this way are harmful, disgusting, and wastes of good oxygen. So I prefer to “understand” them from very far away – lol! They’re dangerously unwise at best…and seriously fucked up at worst. So I don’t extend them any charity. Fuck ’em.

  • Hello CN and thank you for ALL the comments……

    Lousivilleflower I LOVE your letter….. YOU ARE SPOT ON!!!!
    Thank you NOTTHISGIRL
    And chumptothe9thdegree, thank you for your words… I too feel so sorry for this innocent child who just doesn’t stand a chance with such great role models. I’m so sorry that YOU had to go thru such a nightmare and congratulate you for making it thru! Wishing you all the best for a bright and happy future!!!!

    I did think at first someone else wrote the letter but DEFINATLY NOT the baby mama/new wife. She WAS a girlfriend of my daughter in law BUT her and my son have no love lost with her, in fact totally despise her and she knows it. My kids are now good friends with her ex fiancé who is a wonderful man who really dodged a bullet as they were planning their wedding while the affair was going on. He was taken totally by surprise, as us chumps usually are. The plan (as I read from their texts) was to keep seeing each other after she had gotten married and of course he would be with me, nothing had to change right???!!!
    So I really do think my EX wrote it. The gutless wonder, obviously, as the UBT has shown, and who else would be that deranged? I mean how much of a person are you to hide behind a newborn?
    THANK YOU Tracy for putting it thru the UBT and confirming what I thought of it.
    I think the typed envelope and no return address was so they would actually open it up, instead of automatically throwing it away.
    Stay strong Chumps…. WE ARE MIGHTY!!!!


    • had-it, If your ex wrote that you have no need to doubt that he totally sucks. Using a newborn for manipulation is so low it’s subterranean. Just keep walking in the sunlight and ignore the fuckwit. Don’t give him a foot in the door of your life.

    • She/they planned on still seeing each other after she got married? What the heck?! That is just so disturbing. Who goes up in front of family and friends. Makes wedding vows to honor, cherish, forsake all others, all the while planning on not doing that?! That is just so……evil. Yes, the ex-fiancé dodged a bullet.

      I had a thought today: This blog will go on forever as long as Chump Lady enjoys writing it. Ever single day there is another crap story about a cheater and the OW or OM. And people have been cheating forever, so nothing will change. It’s truly sad.

      • i agree. Today’s post and comments really emphasizes how important CL blog is! It is difinately a healing place.
        CN you are an amazing community of Overcomers!! Being part of CN is not something I ever thought I’d be part of. Now, I could not imagine a group of people that I could possibly be more proud and happier to be associated with! I can certainly understand why God loves the Overcomers!!! You are all
        beautiful, encouraging, strong and mighty!!

  • Dear OP and CL, thanks for posting this. This just happened to me. I’m 33 years old. My 63 year old dad has been having an affair with one of his students. My mom and dad were married for 36 years. My dad started teaching courses at a local college 2 years ago after retiring from his field. He started having an affair with one of his 23 yr old students. I was told it has been going on for over a year. On D-Day (Oct 1st), I confronted the OW on facebook, and then my dad over the phone when he called me to tell me “I was on his shit list.” He told me I had no right to contact OW. I literally contacted her to ask, “Can you stop having sex with my dad?!” and “Why would you want to be with a 63 year old man?” The OW told me that my dad “had needs that had been neglected” that he “sacrificed everything for everyone and no one understands him” and that she was in love with him and that I couldn’t change that. I really thought my dad would have some loyalty to me? Because he acted like I mattered all of my life. My dad was intellectual and really prided himself on being so smart. It makes me sad that the only brain he actually thinks with is his dick. For the first time in my life I’m going through the holidays without my family and it really hurts. I can’t contact him, because what could I say? Sorry you’re a selfish f******* pig? My heart really goes out to the young adults who received those letters. I would know that my relationship with my dad would be over forever.

    • I’ve been where you are…Trust me, give yourself the opportunity to be pissed off! You have a right to be! I’m still rather pissed off at my Dad, 3 years later and have been NC since this selfish, intentional debacle af his. You will feel better in a few years, once you start seeing him with his mask off, so to speak. You will start seeing things that you ignored before, and it isn’t pretty. He is showing you who he is. I finally realized about 2 years into this mess, that he never gave a shit about me, period. It’s a hard truth to face, but I’m feeling better everyday now and I learned a lot about what disordered people are actually capable of. Lesson learned!

      • Thank you, Coo. It has been incomprehensibly fucked up. I’m mad that for over a year now, I’ve been living alone by myself and struggling to make ends meet. My dad has been paying this girls’ rent. He gifted her a car. It is clear to me that she is gold-digging and using him for money aka “true love”. He tried to justify the affair to me in our final phone conversation and it was total nonsense. He tore our family apart over a dumb piece of ass. She’s not even pretty. She has a face like a troll priest.

    • Sorry your dad has turned out to be such a dick. It’s easy to overlook how this also affects adult children. It would make you question your entire life, I imagine. Big hug to you, dear. Just focus on Christmas with your mum and try to put those 2 out of your mind.

  • Just when I think these disgusting cheaters could not be any worse, I read this letter.

    The more I read it the more pissed I get.

    Hiding behind a BABY (his own baby at that!) and making his other children feel guilty into having a relationship with them that HE abandoned and therefore destroyed!

    I CANNOT with these people.

    So many people suck so bad. I’ll stick to Beagles, even if they are jerks sometimes. 😉

  • I don’t know who wrote this … though it really seems much more like something a somewhat immature woman would do as opposed to a 50 something Cheating Narcissist Asshole. It seems like something someone would do who looks at too many Pintrest boards. But it’s so ridiculous I can’t even imagine the look on the face of someone who received a letter like that.

    Lately I have been thinking a bit on this issue of how these a-holes rewrite history. This asshole is trying to wipe the slate clean like the last 3-4 years of devaluing and abuse never happened. He’s somehow complicit in this gaslighting effort trying to convince one and all “nothing to see here, just a big happy family.” Meanwhile any reasonable person is going “that’s not how this works.” I fortunately do not have kids with my Ex (can I get an AMEN!) so I am completely no contact. I was thinking about what’s going to happen to him in say 2 or 3 years. I have no idea if he will still be with the HoWorker (who is like 28 to his 44), so let’s assume that he decides he needs himself a new wife appliance and dives into the world of dating. As I started coming out of the fog as I planned for the divorce, I was struck by how much he lied. Just lie upon lie. I said to a friend the other day – you know when it comes time to land a new source of kibbles, he’s not going to be honest. He’s not going to say “Yeah I fucked the secretary, lied to my wife, and told anyone that would listen that I was keeping her around mainly because I didn’t want to give her half.” He’s going to say, I think will genuinely believe something along the lines of “we grew apart and she didn’t share my belief in owning my own business and sex was a huge issues cause she was cold and frigid.”

    • If your Fucktard ex is like mine, the story could be more along the lines that I insisted on an open marriage and was totally cool with his whoring around. Still lies. Still avoiding responsibility.

    • The narratives are all the same with these assholes. It blows my mind how people lack such much self-awareness that they feel comfortable living and breathing their own lies. They will never be able to live an authentic life because they lack coping skills, responsibility, accountability….the list goes on.

      I would not be in the least big surprised if he tells people that I cheated on him. And of course, I’m cold and frigid as well.

  • I believe the dad wrote this letter. This man has to be at least in his mid to late 50’sgiven he was married 36 years.

    When a cheater leaves his entire life behind for a piece of ass he has no intentions of having a child to raise. These guys have issues with aging.
    Chances are he cheated throughout his married life.

    And then to burst the bubble of I ‘found a younger woman’ to sitting in a delivery room brings him back to reality. She’s going out with her friends, getting her nails done while he’s home at the ranch emptying the trash filled with poop diapers.

    And the attention shifts. The baby this and the baby that… A new father.

    He has adult sons who are watching the game while the new wife gives him a list of things to pick up as she helps her friend shop for bridesmaids dresses.

    He’s a coward who burned his bridges. His family moved on. This wasn’t what he wanted. His supply is gone. It’s no linger sexy. And guys half his age are checking her out. His friends atta boy winks have turned to pity.

    Families aren’t recyclable. He will never admit he’s wrong or unhappy. There is no way back. So the manchild uses his baby to gain empathy from his sons. He’s pathetic.

    • Great thoughts, doingme. The midlife crisis dude runs away from his family to start again like a young dude so he can have again that wild free life before children and responsibility. Oops.

  • Good grief. I had visuals of a ventriloquist while reading the letter. What next? Get a puppy and send a letter from the puppy?

    Had-it, how did your sons react when they received the letter?

    • oldest wouldn’t even look at it, his wife read it and he said he caught bits and pieces, but called him a gutless, pathetic excuse for a man, youngest read it and said he didn’t know how he felt other than he thought how he went about “reaching out” sucked…..

      • I’m happy the kids are aware of how messed up he and it is….Many of us with Narc dads don’t figure it out for decades…esp if there is an ally….such as the letter writer who is not only self deceived by being used to con others. Some authors call that type of person a “flying monkey.” Or….in the sociopath-empath- apath triad….the apathetic bystander who enables the abuse of another.

        It’s not “reaching out.” It’s minimizing and excusing a heinous act. Reaching out is bringing banana bread to a new neighbor. His lamepology only supports, excuses and minimizes a HEINOUS ACT. I truly hope you all go NO CONTACT. It will never get better. This is who he is at the core….no empathy.

        This is the true man.

        What a loser…..ugggggg

    • Yes, he is. What is not visible: OW wrote this and she’s most likely close to being discarded.
      Because cheaters of this kind cannot stand not to be centre of attention. A newborn baby gets all that attention.
      Cheater pants already has a new flame.
      I fell so sorry for this new little life.

  • Jesus, this post just blows me away. Just when you think you’ve hear it all. I want to stick pins in him.

  • Absolutely VILE narcissistic discard. I am so sorry for the children. I hope they go into therapy to process this trauma and emotional rape. The saccharine letter is almost worse….minimizing Dad’s cruelty. And using the concept of the baby to cover his own acts of neglect towards his own kids is particularly low. Kids- go no contact and stay that way. It is the only way to heal from a clearly pathological father.

  • What a terribly abusive and manipulative letter. My God!

    Nothing turns a cheater off more than a new baby. This OW doesn’t have much time left before she’s a single OW.

    My dad had a child in his 50’s with AP (and then wife #3.). It wasn’t all about my dad anymore so that didn’t last. I was in my mid-twenties when baby was born. I had my own life and never felt any connection with my half-brother. I still don’t.

    My dad is not close with any of his six children but he thinks he’s God’s gift to us all. Narcissistic to the 100%.

    My advice would be to stay NC. How totally immature to write a stupid letter from the baby. Yes, bubble-headed, soon to be a single mom wrote this. There will be more when baby needs money to survive. Losers!!

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