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UBT: The OW told me to jump off a bridge

dramaOWYesterday Kendal left the comment that the Other Woman texted her. Kendal wanted to know how to deal with the vitriol of the OW.

I thought this topic would make a good post on the importance of NO CONTACT — and a nice snack for the Universal Bullshit Translator. Without further ado…

I broke No Contact and texted my X about a form that looked ominous from the IRS.
This is what he allowed the OW to text back to me in part:
Note: I have NEVER done anything to this person, other than twice ask to speak to my X fiancee with utter politeness.

There was definatly a reason why you havent never been married or with anybody before and i would have to say its definatly NOT bc you was “saving yourself” for you elementry sweetheart! I would have to say its definatly bc if you ever did have a boyfriend before ****** he probably ran so far from your dangerously sick stalker ways and never once turned to look back.. So bitch do us all a favor.. better yet do the world a favor find the closest tallest bridge and jump!

Oh God, someone please talk me out of murder. She is the OW! She blew up MY LIFE. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to move. I don’t know….???

Kendal

Dear Kendal,

The Other Woman is toxic. Her hate isn’t for you — she doesn’t even KNOW you — she hates the pick me dance. Of course, she can’t articulate that, or realize she’s being played (she’s an idiot). She hates the COMPETITION. She’s bought into the idea that you are the problem, not her own set of morals being involved with a cheater.

She WINS the PICK ME DANCE. Forever. Eternally mindfucked. Which is what she deserves.

Don’t let her crap distress you. Stay no contact. This stupid text is exactly why I preach no contact — if you touch their hot stove of dysfunction, you get burned. Don’t touch. Get away.

Now, for fun, let’s UBT it with some sassy backtalk.

 There was definatly a reason why you havent never been married

Single people can couple. Illiteracy is forever. I may be unmarried, but I can spell. Next time you insult someone? Try punctuation and spell check.

or with anybody before and i would have to say its definatly NOT bc you was “saving yourself”

Yeah, why save yourself when you can give it away indiscriminately, OW. (Google “indiscriminately.” Break it up into small syllables. Sound. it. out.)

for you elementry sweetheart! I would have to say its definatly bc if you ever did have a boyfriend before ****** he probably ran so far from your dangerously sick stalker ways and never once turned to look back..

Says the woman who is texting a stranger she’s obsessed with, detailing what she thinks of her personal dating life, and is leveling threats. Yeah, nothing dangerously sick and stalker-ish about that. No sir.

So bitch do us all a favor.. better yet do the world a favor find the closest tallest bridge and jump!

Bitch, do us all a favor — keep the cheater. All those warm fuzzies and deep security you feel with him? You deserve it. A life of eternal vigilance, threatening anyone who comes near him. So many bridges. So much competition. It’s all yours. Enjoy.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
          • Ladies: how kind of you to give her the missing “e”. Now can someone please swap an “i” for the “a” and send some morals and class to this unfortunate soul.

            • Oh heck!!! I didn’t realize I gave her ‘credit’ for the e when it wasn’t there!

              Explanation: it’s ‘DEFINATLY’ due to MY education subconsciously kicking in–lol

              • I was gonna say… you guys definitely gave her too much credit with definately, when all she could muster was definatly!

    • The lovely other women keeps calling my husband (he’s never met her or fucked her) and I called her back from his phone and she told me “you aren’t married bitch”. Really sure been a long 39 years.

    • But the double negative makes it a positive statement…”you haven’t never been married…..” (Sorry, geek here that loves algebra.)

  • On a more serious note…Definitely ignore it. I know what it’s like when you are in the middle of this type of crazy shit, your instinct is to politely tell her who the **** does she think she is. But I can assure you looking from the outside in, it comes across as immature playground drama on her part, I would say don’t react, respond or even acknowledge it.

  • The Limited ended up with a woman who stalked me, raged, and then wanted to ‘make peace’. When they end up with this type it’s instant karma. I take great comfort knowing he ended up at 60 living with his equal. No Contact is a must.

  • HAHAHAHA so happy that the OW is a nutjob in this case – bc I simply can’t imagine what will happen if your ex ever ditches her for next OW. Brings to mind the Glenn Close Michael Douglas movie “Fatal Attraction”.

  • Kendal, Do yourself a favor and ignore her oral diarrhea… Let her stew in silence. The woman obviously is insecure with herself and reacting to her pathetic situation in pure bully style. She is on the path to self-destruction and you, my dear, are on your way to a much better life.

      • Yikes Kendall. I know this feels terrible having someone voice contempt for you but KNOW that it is entirely misplaced from a completely ignorant(in every sense of the word) source. And also she has provided so much comedic fodder – at her expense and to your credit.

          • Arghhh…I ran out of mental red ink in her first so called, uh, …sentence…

            Kendal, honey, as hurtful as this message was intended to be, don’t let it bring you down. There’s nothing here to see other than another her lack of BASIC, COMMON, FIRST GRADE GRAMATICAL SKILLS FAILING AT EVERY ~word~! How did she even type that out? Doesn’t she have spell check?!?!? I mean, it underlines every word that you misspell…litetally, every word!

            So many questions….but alas, chin up sweetie, we’re all laughing at her stupidness and admiring your mightiness!!!

        • Skanky sent me a letter asking for peace and harmony. You would have thought Mother Teresa had written it.

          The style was too familiar, and when I checked the Properties, I discovered that my husband – her work buddy – had written the whole thing…AT WORK. Seems he needed to control her narrative, too; such a control freak!

          I never responded to her. But I did copy the Properties section and the letter and sent it to the president of the college and the human resources department, telling them that if they did not insist their employees stop harassing me, I would sue the school.

      • That was my reaction, as well. While I understand it’s hard to distance yourself emotionally from this sort of vitriol, had I received a text from XH’s OW like the one above, I think even in the throes of post-Dday agony, I would have been rolling on the floor, laughing — “He traded ME for THAT?!?!?” — Unfuckingbelievable!!!

  • Wow, Kendal. Clearly your X made a mistake; leaving someone sane, loyal and intelligent for…. That super duper OW…

    ….Oh, oh, oh! Can we all share our other woman / man messages?

    • Alpha
      That’s a great idea. I had two spectacularly entitled emails from 2 OW. Both even offered to call me to help sort it all out. He was such a lovely man and they all knew it wasn’t forever so hey let’s just all be sophisticated and ignore all the cheating, lying and sex stuff.
      Talk about kicking someone when they are down.

      • Capricorn, I never had that “privilege.” I only read emails and texts about me from OW. (Lazy, cold, sexually frigid, unambitous, unappreciative, etc., etc. – all stuff I had heard in person.) I did respond to one email I found during wreckconciliation. I told her to focus on her own marriage and that if she liked, I could make the same suggestion to her husband.
        Share if you are up to it. Some people in CN are pretty good at UBT.

      • Ooh, yes, Capricorn–post one of the OW messages in the Private:General forums and let CN have at it with a UBT translation. I guarantee you’ll feel better afterwards.

    • The only e-mail I received from OW began with the phrase, “I am not a whore.” A smile still comes to my face when I remember that sentence!

      • In opening . . . I am not a whore. Hahaha complex anyone? That made me laugh . . .

        Fine not a whore, skank, slut, cum dumpster – pick anyone any of these – all these names work for a whore who claims not to be whore. You can put lipstick on a pig and call it anything you want but it’s still a pig. Hahahahaha!

        • The OW in our case was a close family friend and did not appreciate it when I called her a sociopath in an email I sent her shortly after finding out about what they’d done. I think I even mentioned something about her sociopathic apple not falling far from her currently rotting in prison murderer father’s tree. I got something to the effect of “Calling me names isn’t going to change how much _____ and I love each other. It’s not my fault this happened.”

          Again. Sociopathic much? Nothing’s ever her fault. To quote her favorite white trash musician, “What? Did you trip, slip, fall and land on his dick?”

          • “I think I even mentioned something about her sociopathic apple not falling far from her currently rotting in prison murderer father’s tree.” Haha! Love this! I called Cockroach a host of things (via text), including monster, sociopath, and narc. He texted back that I needed to stop name calling, so I wrote back that it wasn’t name calling, it was a diagnosis! 🙂

        • I got the pre-emptive statement “I’m not a whore”, too.
          I agreed with her in my response. She was the town slut.

          • Its funny they dont want to be called whores but thats exactly what they are my husbands OW was paid her rent clothes trips etc, he picked out the apt she lived in had his own remote & everything?? can you say “Kept Whore”?? plus she acted as if it was no big deal to text me his sexy VM to her I guess she figured she got points well let me tell you points she got right in the Ass !!

    • I WISH I’d had a message from the OW….wait, other womEn, so I could have escaped 8 years earlier than I did.

      • Me too. I could have escaped 33 years earlier. Apparently he started cheating when we were newlyweds – ewwwww! I don’t know why no-one called. But after we separated and he moved from woman to woman, I got 3 separate calls over the last 5 years from women who left him and then called me (don’t quite know what they expected from me). They ranted about his behaviour and that they now knew he was a liar and they hoped I would be able to wrestle a divorce from him (something he boasted about – “my wife and I will always be married” – as if that made him a good guy). I finally got that divorce and have no interest in what he does with his life and who he is with. But really would have preferred to have gotten out way earlier.

        • I think mine was cheating from 3 months after the wedding, too, but those were just conference fucks and they probably weren’t invested enough to care enough to tell me.

        • omg well mine was with her while I was pregnant in 95 says ” it didnt start that way?? yea ok 15 years later I guess they built a heafty relationship of lies deceit and btw in 2006 my husband & I got legally married we have been together since 1990, here I waited 16 years for the Wedding of my so called dreams only to discover in the last six years he has been with this whore and she knew we got married??????? Here i have suffered loss due to his financial blurbs and blunders all the while he said work work work it was catering to this cunt?? yea real winner here now only to try to find my way out of this mess?? says they r not longer together he will “Never go back to her”” so all of a sudden you have a bolt of lightening what were all these years of lies and lonliness for me “FUN”” wth?? oh yea this story has many facets, he also promised to marry her at one point, says he was morally corrupt back then, yea right only this past April the shit hit the fan for him ?? she so called gave him the heave ho!! I wonder the sorted story changes with the wind 🙁

    • Ohh I can share so may texts, I straight up asked the other man (married at the time) if he did anything inappropriate with my wife (After I discovered she way lying about the “business trips” she was take and I found a flight that he bought her to meet him in Boston). His answer and I crap you not “every relationship decides what is appropriate and what is not” it was literally one of the most insane things I have ever heard. In addition after I became face book friends with his wife if got a “who’s up” text to which I replied “I just spoke to your wife her and I apparently have similar points of view on what is appropriate and what is not”. This guy is 49 and I am 39, oh and all 4 of use work in finical services. I actually still have ALL their affair texts and Instagrams (BTW Snap Chats and Instagrams never go away fully), as her phone was in my name. I have them all on a usb stick, never gone through them really but, never hurts to keep record of the truth as some people insist on bashing the people they cheat on, and rewrite history, (I was awful and abusive), again not sure how as none of this came up in marriage counseling. I think if they every get married these texts might make a great gift to friends and family after the wedding.

      • “His answer and I crap you not “every relationship decides what is appropriate and what is not” ”

        Yeah, cheaters definitely have their own definition of “appropriate.” XH sent me an email (during the post Dday shit-sorting) saying, yes, he was officially dating OW, but he really doesn’t know what an “appropriate” amount of time (after him moving out of the house) would have been. — Really?, I replied. You don’t think starting to date someone within two weeks of ending your 16yr marriage is gonna look funny to people? — Alas, no one cared. But, “appropriate”? Umm, no.

        • Dr. Crazy imported another woman halfway across the country to live with him 3 months after I filed. I guess since his reputation in his home town is already shit it really doesn’t matter.

        • Maybe they define “appropriate” as using a condom. Wouldn’t want to hurt your chump spouse’s feelings.

        • The narchole an I were together for 15 yrs he picked picked a fight left came back next day packed all of 15 yrs worth of stuff and left. I thought he went to a relatives place well 1 1/2 later he walks back in to pick up more stuff low and behold he moved in with the skank, wow he told me when I confronted him he said he did not know her, so I said you knocked on a strangers door and she let you move in then he asked can we be friends kissed me goodby not before saying it was my faulet he cheated he said it’s because I didn’t care anymore wow that was news to me.

    • This is what I got one year ago from the OW – after 3 years of NC, (she went back to her Chump husband, who forgave her, had a kid with him, and I divorced my EX) – Soon after this gem – where she wants my forgiveness so bad, she started cheating again with my EX. They are now getting divorced, and EX and her are officially a couple. She is 20 years younger.

      OW
      “First of all, I wasn’t denying and or saying you where lying about the affair. I’m not interested in going back and forth on this. I know what I did and I know that it was extremely hurtful to you and your family. I could sit here and go back and forth about what he told you but it’s pointless at this point. I am sorry for what I did, and yes you do not know me. Nothing I do or say will ever change what happened and you will always hate me and there is nothing I can do or say to change that. There is no excuse and I’m not interested in trying to make excuses.

      MightyAgain, the only thing I can do is say I’m sorry. Whether you want to believe that or not, it’s up to you. I can’t make you believe anything. Wether or not you say you forgive me, I’ll truly know you’ll still hate me. And yes, how can I ask for forgiveness when I know what I did was unforgivable. My husband knows everything, he knows it went on for a few years and stuff went on in different places, just because he re-acted different doesn’t mean anything. I told him because it wasn’t fair for anyone to keep living a lie and like I said before, I know what I did was wrong.
      I would say yes I would like to end this in peace so that you get the closure or whatever, but I honestly am not sure there will ever be peace with this because you will always hate me but I had to move on. Can’t keep living in the past.

      So keep trash talking me if that makes you feel better because I know who I am now, and I’m living a better life. You don’t know what I have done or still doing since then to right my wrongs. But I could go on and tell you that I’m making peace with God and confessed everything and went to RCIA classes and received sacraments and very much involved into my church. But see I tell you all that and plus some and all you’ll do is go back and trash talk me and laugh at me. So again, what’s the point. You only keep proving my point.

      “You want to know the “why” I was in a dark place in my life, I got married to young and expected more from my husband and wanted what your husband was doing for you and your family. It’s not that I wanted to take your place, it’s sick and twisted but honestly just attracted to who he was as a person. It’s hard to explain. Like I said , sick and twisted because I did care for you but was fucked up what was going on. I will never ask you to understand but I am deeply sorry for the hurt I cause. There’s not a day I wake up or night I close my eyes thinking about the hurt I cause to your family. Im sorry if I don’t write the way you want me to. But I was never good with my words”

      YEAP, she was really sorry, no what she wanted was for me to forgive her – so that she could back to my EX with a “clear conscience”, never mind hurting her husband all over again! This is the definition of a WHORE.

      • “MightyAgain, the only thing I can do is say I’m sorry.”

        This statement is literally true. She can’t undo the past. She would do it all over again. And she did. She can SAY she’s sorry. That’s not the same as feeling remorse, in which her post would be agonizing about the damage she was party to. She is “deeply sorry for THE HURT I CAUSE”–present tense. So it was still going on or she knew it would start again. Doesn’t matter. Cheaters lie, but syntax and “semantics” in the technical sense are unconscious processes. Syntax and semantics never lie.

        • I agree a half ass apology is not remorse I never got that not remorse from the OW she was happy about what she did , my so called husband Oh I have said Im sorry bot no remorse OMG what have I done to you I can see your in pain, at the first go around last july he talked a good game but went right back to the whore and me more pain and Im just to supose to “Get Over It” so he says??

      • These people get wet from the pain they cause others.
        There’s no heart transplant available for them, hope they enjoy the hell they create ?

        • I wish my Ex would see the damage he has done to my kids especially. One of my kids (21) will not speak to EX, wants nothing to do with either of them, and will NEVER want to be in same room as OW. Just sad all around.

          • and I’ll bet it’s your fault, right, MightyAgain? My youngest went no contact with my X long before I did, and yet I “turned her against him.” smh

            • Oh Yes Tempest, it’s my fault!! Except this time I can “prove” that it’s all my kid’s Values that are at play here. EX told the kids at the beginning of summer, how he “was in-luuuuuve with OW” but he didn’t want to loose them – included crocodile tears and all -my eldest went NC right after that! My poor kidos (21,17) kept it to themselves all this time, because they wanted to spare me as long as possible, and I didn’t find out about them being back together until the end of October.

    • There were a couple really awful OW in my situation but I wanted to add a nice story. One OW had been lied to about me. We actually connected and talked about it at length and now she is one of my most cherished friends. She is a complete sweetheart and would have never knowingly done anything to hurt anyone and I am so angry that she was hurt and lied to like I was.

        • That I was “poly” and “totally okay with it.” My friend knew from other stuff she had been told that in fact I wasn’t totally okay with it, so she ended up not doing anything with my partner. And she said that if she had, she would have felt so awful for inadvertently hurting me. I told her that I would have never blamed her in the least as she was being lied to but I was mostly just releived that she didn’t wasn’t as traumatized and hurt as she could have been. So I guess she’s more like an almost OW. 🙂

          • Good thing she disbelieved your cheater. I know of a horrible case where two best friends ended up becoming enemies after the one’s fiance told the other they had a poly relationship (and the woman didn’t check with her best friend to find out that was not true before starting an affair). It was ugly, especially since they had to work together for months afterwards.

  • Since you and the ex had shared assets at one time, texting him like an adult about a letter from the IRS is appropriate.
    For him to hand the phone to that shrew and for her to text uneducated, diarrhea of the mouth just shows how middle school they are.

    I just don’t understand WHY people wants to be the AP. Even the ugliest, most hateful person on this earth deserves better. I have a single friend who dated a man twice and found out through Facebook stalking he was married. She called him and told him off and told him if he EVER contacted her again, she was telling his wife. I have the utmost respect for her. BTW, she me him on Christian Mingle.

    • My mom would say that this OW definitely suffered from diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain!

    • Yep, if you know you’re sleeping with someone else’s spouse, then you know just how seriously they take those marriage vows. 😉

    • Now that he’s proven himself an idiot who is in a relationship with a lunatic, it’s time to stop texting him. Kendal, if you have his new mailing address, you can write it on the envelope and put any mail for him back in the box. If he hasn’t give you a forwarding address and hasn’t filed a change of address with the post office, start marking all his mail “Not at this address” at give it back to the postal service. It’s on him if he can’t be bothered to be an adult.

      • I agree, send that crap on to the forwarding address, return to post office or if you have an attorney involved, let your attorney handle it. No contact even on banking or IRS issues. I had to deal with my STBX having porn emails sent to my email address for him, IRS mail, him using my email address to let me know he had anew bank and getting phone calls from the new church he joined. I got calls from the phone company saying my phone line had been reported as not working. I was talking to the repairman on the same phone line. I was text late on a Friday night to allow a timber man on the farm the next day. I said, “No” to the Realator that he had text me. He tried to call me and I blocked him. He tried to send someone through the same Realator to mow the farm aka take the farm equipment from the farm. Again, “no”. He is late every month or short sometimes on the amount. I give it to my attorney. The more inconvenient I am the sooner we get this horse and pony show over and My dogs and I move on. Since I have all the farm equipment, farm he abandoned and am living in our home, he abandoned, the ball is in my court to get finally to mediation this January. If he can’t be reasonable, we go before the judge. I am told the mediator is a b*tch and very down the middle 50:50 or 55:45. She cuts no slack for us being married close to 20 years. My state is a 50:50 state. I am so ready to get a small cabin near my relatives with my dogs.

    • I can try to tell you why I think my mother was the AP. I believe she had really low self-esteem. It’s a cliche about these people, but I think it is often true. I believe she had NO faith in people at all, not in herself either. After an abusive childhood, I think she focused on a man who would always be unavailable BECAUSE she was afraid of being with someone permanently and have children with him, in case he turned out to be another abuser. In those days women would not contemplate the option of having a child on their own through fertility treatment or with the help of a friend. For that she would have had to have a real friend anyway…
      She said he was a paranoid megalomaniac, people didn’t know about NPD, but that sounds just like it! He did this with 4 APs in all out of the many others he had, produced 6 children, only 2 with his first wife. I’ve never met him. Eventually she and his first wife made peace. They eventually both realised what a bastard he was. After that she stayed away from the fray as he carried on from woman to woman. He was a university professor of medicine, went from student to student. Sounds familiar, Tempest, doesn’t it?
      My mum was a very good mum to me, if you set aside the crap situation she put me in to start with… She never had another relationship and my father was the only man she ever slept with, which is a real shame IMO. She was also a very good person to those around her. Dozens of people came to me after she died 22 years ago, to tell me about how she helped them, I didn’t know anything about what she was doing. The first wife came to her funeral too. My father never showed up, never spoke to me. I waited until 2012 for that bastard’s death. I had vowed to myself I would never try to contact him because he didn’t deserve me. I thought I was proud and strong.
      I was with a lying cheating traitor for 9 years and didn’t know anything about it…
      I was not the OW, but aside from that, history repeating itself? I thought I had been smart by staying away from my father… Ha!
      Many APs are vicious little whores, but others are just severely damaged fools.

      In Kendal’s case, we have a crazy and vicious little whore. In a way it is a blessing to know that the Karma bus has already hit her cheater.

  • All of us Chumps think the cheaters have better lives now than they did with us. It’s in our chump DNA.

    Cheating starts as a lie. And then a series of lies. Of course they all have to act like it’s not a bunch of dishonesty and go over the top to show how happy they truly are. (Cough, cough)

    Remember when you (we) were the ones pretending life was grand when it really wasn’t? – That’s how it is for your ex and his new woman. If they were happy and secure, nothing would threaten their union. Silly IRS notes would be passed on and forgotten about.

    Nope, it’s a very telling text that all is wrong with their happy new life and there is tons of disfunction in their relationship.

    It can be very difficult to un-chump but you’ve been given the chance to un-chump with an added bonus of knowing your ex is with an insecure psycho. Yay!!

    Now you can’t fix his picker. No, no, no…. BUT, you can fix yours.

    Today is a good day to erase everything about these two and start fresh. No contact can be done. Take it one day at a time. If you are temped to make contact, do something else until the urge passes.

    You can do this!

    Good luck!

    • Wise, thanks for this:

      “All of us Chumps think the cheaters have better lives now than they did with us. It’s in our chump DNA.

      Cheating starts as a lie. And then a series of lies. Of course they all have to act like it’s not a bunch of dishonesty and go over the top to show how happy they truly are. (Cough, cough)”

      I still obsess from time to time about how my X has maneuvered himself into a completely different life and is doing all the things with the OW I thought we’d do together. I imagine them having just a grand old time: her having won the pick me dance and him having ditched the ball and chain. It really helps to be reminded that this could all be an act.

      To Kendal: I would LOVE it if I got such a text from my X’s OW! It’s hilarious! Such a shameless, in-your-face reminder that your X traded down–WAY down. I would treasure that and keep it and read it over again when I’m feeling bad. And laugh.

      Chump Nation is right on. These two are made for each other. NC is the only way to go. And if you never married the X asshole, just throw out IRS notices in the future. They’ll catch up with him on their own!

      • Yes, I would love it too if I got such a text from the whore. I would have written proof of what I know her to be, and I could show it to everyone whenever I want. Then everyone would have to believe me!

    • Great insight Wise. Once the pain subsided I was able to look at everything with clarity. And I could see his life would continue on with D+ acting skills once the spackle cracked as the mask dropped.

      Triangulation is their only connection to supply. Once we sever that bond through no contact the picture we painted evaporates.

  • Kendal

    So sorry you received this. It offends on so many levels. It was inappropriate and childish for your ex to hand the phone over, it was low and mean for the OW to text back with such a response.
    They are like school yard bullies conspiring together against you in order for them to feel closer to each other.
    Once you have got over your initial shock and hurt I can imagine that you will soon see that this does in fact say much more about them than you and does give you a very good reason to back away even further. Maybe holding one of those flaming torches in case the idiots try to come any closer.
    Your obvious bewilderment at this reply shows how innately decent, honourable and sane you are.
    A sneering sniggering pair of childish narcs. What else can we say? They deserve each other but probably won’t be able to manage that for very long.
    I wish you every happiness going forward and congratulate you on your escape from such a truly limited fuckwit.

    • This. What Capricorn said is absolutely spot on.
      One last piece of advice, after their relationship blows up (which it will) he may think to come back to you. Please DO NOT take him back. EVER!

      • Exactly. I was devastated by a divorce and embarrassed to tell my family as though I had failed. I was almost through with my divorce, young and stupid. I thought I was ready to date. Not. I needed time to learn who I am. Needless to say, I had to work often with another man who was also almost divorced. He hinted that we should go to dinner some time. I ignored or said, “that’s not a good idea “. Then, a friend I trust encouraged me to go, along with another co-worker and then , my boss. He swept me off my feet with the asking a friend for permission to call me and telling her how he felt that God was leading him to me. He said all the right crap. Yet, stupid me not being from the area fell for the narc who already had two chumps in his marital pocket and no telling how many on the side. He went way overboard on champagne, flowers, expensive gifts, a new truck and horse trailer, etc. I was floored. We were having the marriage conversation too soon. Plans to build another home on the farm. Plant grass and put up fencing for the horses. Barns, equipment sheds and a guest bunk house. As he got older, he got sick and narcs don’t do sick or age well. He couldn’t figure out how to live off retirement, so he discarded and abandoned me to be a snowbird. Now that we are going through a divorce after almost 20 years of marriage, I am alone, unemployed at his request as his wife, enjoying the peace and quiet of the farm with my dogs. I enjoy the wildlife and wait for the divorce. I hate that I was the OW who didn’t see what he was or understand the red flags, gas lighting, hoovering, etc. I hate that his two former wives, former girlfriends and children were affected by him. I did get blessed with a great stepdaughter and a few real grandchildren who did love me. Once his money is gone so will his kids and grandchildren. He was Mr. Religion and money donation man. But, he always had to tell people what he did for them or others. Huge drinking habit, I don’t miss him. His youngest daughter won’t allow him to stay at her house or will his oldest daughter. He really screwed up something with them. Not my problem. Bottom line I was the OW and whore to his second wife, that is not a pleasant thought. I never allowed him to talk ugly of his two ex-wives to his children because I came from a broken family and I didn’t want him to criticize their moms. I told them that he had to love their moms or he would never have married them. Now, I don’t believe he can love anyone. I saw him by accident recently and he looked so awful. Life goes on and this site has helped me to realize what I was married to and how sick he was and is. I got my smile back through transporting, fostering and adopting a shelter dog and helping a friend through her year with chemotherapy. Life goes on.

    • When XH & I first started dating, *HIS* dad left his wife (XH’s stepmom) for an OW. And when it all came to a head, XH’s little sister (who was maybe 15 years old) called XH in tears about the whole thing. And not a week later, XH (who did not call his dad about this but waited for his dad to reach out to him — Red flag, anyone?) gets a phone call from his dad. They talk for about five minutes (if that), then XH’s dad hands the phone over to OW, who then proceeds to talk to XH for another twenty minutes, instantly delving into intimate and personal things like “So what are you planning to do with your life? Are you going to go back to college? Or a trade school?”

      *I* would have demanded OW hand the phone back over to dear ol’ dad, but XH sat there and let her talk, and for his troubles, OW wrapped up with an “I love you!” to XH, her cheater’s 22year old son that she’d never met. — Unbelievable world these people live in.

      • The more I hear of him, the more I think your XH had a strong dose of cowardice. You deserve better. (And your story is yet further support for the delusional thinking of APs. They inhabit Oz.).

        • His reply when I asked him why he spent sixteen years with me since he never loved me the way a man should love the woman he’s married to, he said “I have trouble letting people down.” — ????

          Idiot.
          And, yes, coward.

  • Gosh Chumplady – you voice your thoughts so well. So spot on. Again.

    I remember after I revealed the affair to the wife of whorrie’s AP, she was obviously devastated.

    Later that day, she (wife of AP) called me (I gave her my phone number because she was visibly hurt).

    None the less, her words were short with me and she quickly put her husband (whorrie’s AP) on the phone. I had no clue she was going to do that And mind you, I knew this man and he was once a friend of mine.

    He motherfucked me to no end. I couldn’t get a word in. I had no choice but to hang up. I was gone in 60 seconds.

    It was obvious what he was doing.

    The feeling of getting motherfucked from the guy that is fucking my kids mother, my wife, was unparalleled. I really wanted to kill him (figure of speech) at that moment.

    To be demonized by your wife’s AP was equivalent to be demonized by someone that physical murdered someone you loved. I digressed big time after that. Never engage. No Contact. Today I am fine. Life is good. 🙂

    • SureChumped, that’s a ridiculous story. Sounds like your wife’s AP’s wife was wrapped around his little finger.

      All of these stories are so cruel!

      My wife’s AP never once contacted me. I can’t recall ever meeting him (they work together, so maybe at an office Xmas party?). I used to think it was because he was so internally embarrassed by his actions, made that’s why he never engaged. But now I see that it was probably because I made progress toward NC relatively quickly, and I “didn’t fight for her” (her words). He “won that prize,” so good fucking riddance.

      • I got the whole ” I didn’t fight for X” bullshit to. It pissed him off that the triangulation ended when I found out. Hurt his little ego. apparently it’s ok for them to discard us but we’re mean cold hearted people when we let them go.

        • Yup, my exH said the same thing to me shortly before I moved out. He was hurt that I didn’t fight for him. In the same conversation he also mentioned he was meeting up with his married girlfriend to discuss a “sharing” arrangement with her husband. W.T.F. All I could think about is giving thanks that my ride on the Crazy Train was coming to an end.

          FWIW, the OW ended up divorcing her husband and marrying mine. Good luck to them both.

          • Good point here.
            We all like to think the karma bus is going to hit them early….wish is more like it.
            Just because they marry the AP doesn’t mean it’s all happiness and joy over there. I hope mine does marry her…they had an affair 20 years ago, kept in touch, and re kindled that romance 4 years ago. He was married to and living with me till 12/31/2014 so they are out in the open less than 2 years.
            I pray she marries him, I pray she lives that soul sucking life long enough to get the half I left in the settlement, and then I pray he ends up living in a refrigerator box.

          • Strad, 1% to 3% that their marriage will survive. Black and White stats. 😉

            A familiar hymn for ya…

            Two Jagaloons sitting in a tree
            K-I-S-S-I-N-G
            first comes love
            then comes marriage
            then comes yet
            another remarriage.

      • He never would have engaged with you even if you did continue the pick me dance. Never. He is highly conflict avoidant, and he doesn’t enjoy engaging fair competition. That’s why he’s in law enforcement, where the power system is in his favor and he doesn’t have to be fair. He only participated in the pick-me dance himself because it was rigged against you and therefore an unfair competition. It has nothing to do with shame or embarrassment, because he doesn’t actually feel those things. Had you run into each other socially, he would have avoided you if you were still in the dark, and minimally engaged with “I’m sorry you feel that way” and “it’s between the two of you” after you knew. Had you not gone NC, he would have continued to let her deal with you 100% and basked in the second-hand triangulation. You gave him WAY too much credit by thinking it had anything to do with self-reflection.

        Likewise, she has never contacted me, either. (Except for those accidental FaceTime calls when she was snooping in ex’s phone.) I also thought for a while it was because she was ashamed, but I think it’s way more fun for them to paint me as the angry ex who just doesn’t want them to be happy. I’m the external threat, and life is so much more exciting with a looming threat than with a threat neutralized through kindness and empathy.

        • It’s surprising to me every time you mention a trait of his that’s similar to me (or at least who I was before).

          I used to be VERY conflict-avoidant. Then again, it was easier for me to avoid conflicts because I didn’t go around creating conflicts to begin with (by, say, cheating on my family or fucking another man’s wife).

          But my ex’s affair made me a stronger person. I don’t go looking for fights, but I am quicker to speak up and to have uncomfortable conversations than I was before. I’m not aggressive; just more assertive.

          And you’re spot-on regarding their framing you as a threat to their happiness. She would likely do this both overtly, when necessary, but more often subtly. In their household, I bet you’re someone who’s “understood” to have some sort of unreasonable nature, or holding a grudge, or some other malarkey. And if he’s as foolish as I was, he won’t see when she steers his opinion in that direction.

          • Your similarities differ based on malicious intent. He is actively passive aggressive with the intention of a backhanded win. A sneak attack. A secret that he can hold over someone without their knowledge. Self-serving superiority. When confronted, though, he clams up and goes for the shark-eyed stare. He has no idea how to handle authentic or constructive conflict. I get the sense that your conflict avoidance was out of a genuine desire for peace. His avoidance is about passive manipulation so he can do whatever he wants without any questions asked. They may look like similar traits on the surface, but the underlying architecture of character is vastly different.

            I fully admit that when pushed, I go straight to”fight” mode and I can be full-on aggressive when I feel the other person is full of shit. (This is not to be confused with a reasonable difference of opinion, which does not send me into fight mode.) Given his nature, the more I sense his BS, the more I get royally pissed and rage-y. I have no doubt that they spin me as the crazy ex, when I’m really the ex who has no tolerance for their shenanigans and had stopped trying to be nice. But it will all become clear to her in the end, just like it did for me when I realized that all of his “crazy” exes were in fact normal people who were gas lighted and passively bullied to the brink.

          • I’m still in idiot limbo not sure what is going to happen. I don’t think h has the self awareness to really “fix” his issues (the empty kibble hole) but he is seeing his entire life go down the drain for the whoremat and it scares him. BUT out of this he one good thing that has come is that I am no longer afraid to just speak the fuck up. To anyone. H, family, friends, people at work. Who cares what they think? I’m not uncaring or harsh in dealing with people but I’m not scared to speak my truth and just get on with it now. Hopefully I will have a reconciliation, but I’m not holding my breath. I am assuming the good guy he was is dead and this new zombie of selfishness is all there is left. In which case I know they are going to self destruct and he WILL regret everything.

      • Yes JC, my ex-wife’ AP’s wife was wrapped around her husbands finger.

        Unfortunately the story elevated later, later, later that day when she showed up unexpected at my home. I never gave her my address. I happened to be outside when she pulled up. She marched up my driveway and demanded to talk to whorrie. I told the AP’s wife that my 3 little birds (6,7 & 9 at the time) were in the home and if she wanted to talk to whorrie, it would have to be outside.

        “…..Honey you have a visitor.” So whorrie comes out with a very low brim baseball hat, hiding her lying eyes. The AP’s wife was verbally attacking whorrie, not for the affair but get this….for lying about having an affair with her “pillar in the community” husband. The only words out of whorrie’s mouth were, “we were just friends”. That is it!!

        Never mind that weeks before whorrie admitted the affairs to me – the hotels – the frequency of their meet-ups – and all the pics and proof I gathered. The AP’s wife was in complete denial. Then the AP’s wife marched of ranting….”what is with you people?” I never heard from her since. That was many years ago.

        Interesting enough, I know the two are still married only because the AP is a sports personality here in Chicago. His hockey jersey number flies all over the arena. Everybody loves this man. He is involved in lots of charity work. He is all over the newspapers and news. I also know whorrie is still fucking this married man with 3 kids – one of the kids has a serious disease. Not my circus anymore.

        I got abused by whorrie – abused by whorrie’s AP – and abused by whorrie’s AP’s wife. That is one triangle of fuck!

        • Wow, SCaL–that is one massive clusterfuck to which you were exposed. And it just goes to show how ALL of the involved parties are delusional. I’d have more sympathy for the AP’s wife if she hadn’t gone on the offensive (and possibly stayed for the money?).

          • I actually still do have some sympathy for the AP’s wife Tempest even though she treated me like a peasant. I still have sympathy because she is probably still being gas-lighted and mind-fucked – at this moment – since whorrie is still fucking her husband.

            I think she stayed more for the illusion of what she thinks her husband was/is. They are both in their 50’s so basically, hockey players didn’t get paid in the late 70’s and 80’s as they do today.

            I always have felt deep in my bones that she will wind up here one day. That will be interesting…

            • “I always have felt deep in my bones that she will wind up here one day. That will be interesting…”

              That’s how JC and I bumped into each other!

              • Yes, but we bumped into each other here without
                without either of us contacting the other beforehand.

                After I left my cheating wife, I thought of trying to contact the future FreeVixen, but for various reasons didn’t so so (I disnt have her last name, for one, and we lived/live in different states.) And I chumpily assumed my ex and her OM would move on from the destruction they caused to me and not further hurt her (details provided by my wife about FV were sketchy and vague–the term “ex-girlfriend” was used to describe FV, instead of the more correct word: “fiancé.”)

                Turns out they were just getting started in the marriage-busting business, so FreeVixen had to go through her own terrible experience while my divorce progressed and finalized.

                We didn’t bump into one another here for another year after that.

              • SCAL, you have shown incredible composure through all this. Yes she wife is in denial and you may bump into her here one day. Hope she apologises to you then.
                Free Vixen and JC show that this sort of thing could happen more and more as this blog grows.
                I know of a couple who married each other after their respective spouses cheated on them. The cheaters aren’t together anymore, but they are and are doing great. Just sayin’… 🙂

              • Funny how much came out in the wash when we compared stories. Between the two of them, they told enough lies and distorted reality enough to leave anyone scratching their head and running for the hills. It really is helpful to have a version of the truth from JC that I know I can rely on.

              • JC even more wow. What a story.

                Kiwi,

                Thanks about the “composure” compliment.

                I am past it all now but I have wondered why my story has had so many unbelievable moments.

                Was it because I pick me danced because I was a devoted loving husband – or was it that I handled the deceit at first with minimal consequences for exw – or was it that my now exw broke the spectrum meter of fuckedupness as a covert borderline? I think it was a bit of all but especially the last.

                I divorced over 3.5 years ago and I am still going to court. Have court tomorrow morn for some type of detemination for permanant full custody of my 3 birds. I have temp full cust now. Exhausting.

          • How true LaJ, how true.

            I honestly became dumber at that moment listening to all the lies. It was most dysfunctional. Ask my neighbors…they would agree. 🙂

            I was spinning. My brain cells were dying by the thousands.

            That was 6 years ago. Been divorced 4 years this April. I am still going to court. Some type of full custody determination tomorrow morning.

            Whorrie is an awful non-human-being.

            • It does destroy your brain cells, more than alcohol! It’s is pollution of the brain listening to their spin, justifications, projections.
              Good luck tomorrow, and I hope you have some kind of hazmat suit for this!

              • Thanks kiwi. I will look dapper tomorrow for the judge as I had my haz-mat suit dry-cleaned and pressed. 🙂

            • Sympathies SureChumped. I’m getting the 4th round of threats from ex-asshat. Maybe we’ll bump into each other in the Cook County Family Court Circus at Daley soon.

              • Haha. I would look forward to it. I will be easy to spot….I will be wearing a bright white and well pressed hazmat suit. 🙂

                Sorry you are on 4th round Sunshine. 🙁

    • I did a “reverse-fuck you” to my ex and his boyfriend. Before cancelling a cruise to Mexico that we were supposed to be taking just two weeks from now (forgot all about it!), I suggested to him via email that perhaps the reservation could be changed and boyfriend could go in my place. And I copied boyfriend on this civil nice-gram. It gave me real satisfaction to know they both understood what complete shits they are yet they were being “niced” … the boyfriend would have definitely preferred an attack so he could defend himself instead of having to stew in his own immorality. He will never have as much class as I do and they both know it. No contact is best, of course.

    • My ex brother-in-law’s wife sent me an unsolicited pic of ex’s whore hanging on him at my newly ex’d in-laws – less than 3 weeks after our 70 day divorce (We were married for nearly 17 years). I sent HIM some texts telling him what I thought of both of them (He denied that he was having an affair, he had to divorce me because he didn’t like being married and was having a “midlife crisis”). I’m not sure if he gave her the phone or she took it, but she read all of the things I had said about her. She filed an Injunction Against Harassment against me, claiming that I threatened “physical violence” against her. That, of course, was a lie. I did say some unkind things about her (like her nose is “hideous”), but I never threatened her with violence.

      It is NEVER a good idea to engage the Other Person. One must be seriously fucked in the head to participate in destroying a relationship/marriage. These people are often emotionally unhinged. I had my attorney read what the whore had written in her injunction and my attorney told me: “That is one crazy bitch. What she has written is so dangerous that I want you to change your number and move to an un-published address. She is trying to destroy you.” Ten days after her injunction, he did a restraining order, served 2 weeks before Christmas.

      That was 3 years ago. In that time, she and my ex have married. She has completely replicated my life with him – right up to purchasing a home around the corner from our marital home (about 30 miles from where they work) and taking the same vacations we did.

      Sometimes it still blows my mind that my life became the Springer Show. But, I’m happy he and his whore are out of my life.

      • I am also happy for you that they are out of your life…..

        All that so they can can be another statistic.

        I read somewhere a couple of times that when cheaters marry their actual AP – it has a survival rate of 1%-3%. I have 10 large that they end in divorce! 🙂 Actually, make it 20 large!

        • Oh I love statistics! Dr. Crazy has 5 failed marriages and 1 failed engagement. What are the odds that his current relationship with a narcotics popping pharmacist survives???

        • Yeah, I’ve read the same. But when you look at the forums for betrayed spouses that had a spouse leave for the OP, so many of them have ex’s that marry the OW have long marriages. Doesn’t mean that they’re happy, but I just wonder about the 1-3%.

          I guess it doesn’t matter. They have each other. I’m cheater free and living an authentic life.

  • Kendal,

    I know this message pisses you off to no end, and rightfully so. However, I suggest you look at this message in a different light. This woman is really threatened and jealous of you, that’s how it reads to me. So you can chuckle a bit because the roles have been reversed. She’s now the one worried about you, karma baby! Now have a good laugh because she’s the one obsessing over you now, then put these two ass clowns in your rearview mirror and don’t give them another thought. She’s getting a taste of her own medicine..ha! Just continue being fabulous and realize they are living in their own hell now. Don’t respond…it will drive them crazy. Keep your head up!

  • I have to say, she sounds delightful! To be a fly on the wall while she was typing this in a sputtering fury might have had epic entertainment value.
    Comedy nuggets from above.
    Icy cold no contact with that one.

  • I had two thoughts when I read the OW’s message. The first was to cringe at the spelling of ‘definitely’, but hey, none of us are perfect. But the second was that this woman is an utter nutcase! In some respects, believe it or not, you are lucky! You are lucky because in your situation no revenge at all is required on your part. That nutcase woman is, in herself, all the revenge you’d ever need against your ex.

    Don’t reply, don’t get involved. Just sit back and imagine what their relationship must be like with her obviously being a little unhinged. Have a cuppa, sink into the sofa and smile. You don’t need to do a thing.

    • I slipped into grammar police mode when I read it. I found myself hypercritical of APs. Part of the pick me dance was deeply internalized: I examined and picked apart their appearances and the contents of their emails and texts. As I am approaching meh, I can admit that the nurse’s fake boobs were pretty spectacular, and that the dietitian looks pretty good for her age. And that absolutely none of it matters.
      ?

  • Kendal-

    Just wow. The OW is really some kinda psycho and now she is with your ex. An ex who was perfectly okay with letting her spew that vitriol on a woman he was going to marry. What a guy! As Alloutofkibble always preaches; no contact is the path to truth and light. You didn’t make it down the aisle with Mr. Wonderful and you didn’t have any kids with him so it’s time to block the psycho twins from your phone:no texts, no calls and no email.

    Clearly he is incapable of providing any sort of guidance with anything from IRS paperwork to directions to a clue. Ask a professional the next time. It’s best to stay out of the orbit of the disordered. When their world comes crashing down around them, you don’t want to be in the path of their destruction. Just get away because there is nothing to see here!

    So sorry you had to read that drivel. Jedi hugs to you!

  • Oh, and that form from the IRS? Unless it could involve YOU in any financial or tax problems, mark it ‘no longer at this address’ and drop it in the nearest mailbox. Do the same with any other mail for him that comes your way. HIS job to change his address in all the important places.

    SOOOOO not your problem!

    • I was thinking this too. It reminded me of the June Cleaver actress in Airplane: Fiiiiiiine. Chump don’t want the help? Chump don’t get the help.

      If he can’t be responsible about your reasonable contact, then he can deal with his own messes without you. You can contact professionals on your own to get the help you need with YOUR finances. You can probably even hire someone to deliver any messages you’re required by law to give him, if there’s such a thing. For the rest of it, he can figure out his own crap.

        • Ha, I sent Cheater’s tax refund back with “deceased” on it. I know that may be deemed to be interfering with her majesty’s post, but I figured what the heck, he’s dead to me!

          I also sent back things he continued to purchase on ebay, where apparently he forgot to change his address. I guess my throwing him out came as a surprise!

    • Absolutely mark everything ‘no longer at this address’. Exasshole kept wanting me to send his mail on to him and I told him he better get it forwarded. I did and still do give his current address to bill collectors, heh.

    • Having had a kerfuffle with IRS myself, I would clarify that the primary person on the joint return is whose address the IRS will use for all correspondence. Unless you filed a joint return, you’re off the hook. But if you ever filed a joint return, this may involve you. Nevertheless, as KarenE says, if it is only addressed to him, mark it return to sender and let the IRS chase him down. Not your job.

      • Kendal, why don’t you contact the IRS and ask them to contact you personally if any of this involves you, and tell them that from whatever date you split up, your affairs are completely separate? Then whatever mail comes to your address for him, return to sender. It’s up to him to do his change of address and deal with his affairs. Or use that charming young lady as his PA. She’ll do a great job…

  • I haven’t posted in a really long time, but still read here faithfully every day. Divorce was final, after horrendous trial, 16 months ago. Went no contact (except for emailing about kids and financial matters) on DDay. Things still come up (though pretty rare) so the email is still open. Three weeks ago I received an email from him letting me know that a detective was trying to find me after a suspect was arrested with a stash of stolen checks, including one of mine. I sent a one-sentence reply thanking him for letting me know. A few days later I get a reply from him…but actually from his girlfriend (not even the original AP). She said “Your a dumb bitch….from K. Get a life!!!!!!” Not sure whether X gave her access to his emails or if she’s snooping and taking matters into her own hands. Have also received written letter stuffed in with my spousal support check and a Facebook message. She barged her way into my house when I had an estate sale before the sale of my house and harassed the strangers who happened to be there and my son. I ignore her Every. Single. Time. And it seems to drive her crazy that I won’t respond to her. For someone so happy to be with “the love of my life” -my X- she doesn’t seem happy at all and her apparent obsession with me is kinda creepy. Her attempts to get me to engage with her make me so very grateful that I left that cheater…and gained a whole new life!

    • Wow, MightyMite, yet more evidence that the OW/OM are deranged, and classless twits to boot.

      Well-done on the Grey Rock!

    • If “meh” is not caring one way or the other about the X, then it’s so hard to be at “meh” when the OW gives you so many reasons to rejoice that you’re out of that kind of crazy, MightyMite! 😀

      Well done!

  • I spoke to OW on the phone once and sent her one email. Apparently she and H debriefed the experiences after and she (the waif in distress he was rescuing from her mean cheater fiance) told him that she couldn’t understand everything I said because I used such big complicated words.

    She graduated from the University of Washington (State). Im sure she saw some big words while there, but her response probably led him to be quite sympathetic to the OW being berated by that meany old wife of his. Huge mistake, I should have used that time to place all of his belongings into trash bags.

  • She WANTS your reaction. She’s WAITING for it. She checks her phone every hour to see if you’ve responded yet, because she LOVES stirring the pot. It’s a reminder that she is the winner and you are loser, in her estimation.

    Kendal, YOU are the winner here. You just got rid of a cheating, no-good, psycho “partner” (not really, narcs can’t partner any more than pigs can fly). Your PAST is her FUTURE.

    The best response that will *really* piss her off is….

    nothing.

    She hates being ignored. It says more than words ever could:

    – You are not worthy of my time or attention.
    – I am a bigger person than you are.
    – I don’t really care what you think.
    – Whatever.
    – Meh.

    Don’t give her the satisfaction of a response. It’s the best f- you in the world.

    Hang in there, K!

    • Totally agree. Usually in an argument people try to get the last word but in this case they Want you to respond. They’re looking for it. Waiting for it. Best thing to do is either respond in a way CL put it or just not respond. It’ll drive her nuts

    • Agree. A big part of their relationship is you. They bond over that. He is definitely getting what he deserves with that one. She thinks she won. It brings to mind something I heard once. What contest in hell did I win that you’re the prize?

  • Reposting what I wrote to Kendal late last night:

    Kendal: The OW is a piece of shit. It’s apparently not enough that her moral code allows her to sleep with someone else’s partner, but then she resorts to nastiness and threats against you? Consider the source–a sleazy, possibly disease-infested, mean girl has lashed out because she knows you’re a better, more valorous person.

    I’m sure you feel murderous, but frankly, you have to laugh at her ridiculous rant. And lesson learned–let your ex get hauled for a hearing at the IRS. He gets NOTHING forwarded to him, not bills, not parking tickets, not 1040s. If he instructs OW to respond instead, he is a coward and a fuckwit. Water always finds its own level, and they are both pondscum and belong together.

    There is an amazing trend for the cheaters and OW/OM, who harm US, to lash back as if they were the victims. Mind-boggling, I know, but emotional intelligence and self awareness are not their strong suits. View their behavior clinically–it’s pathological, not really personal as they would do horrible things to anyone in your position. Simply think to yourself, “Hm, that’s interesting behavior which illustrates a cruelty streak and poor impulse control” (as if you were watching my X do it to me, instead).

    The good news is that the OW is obviously a classless piece of work, and your X is now stuck with her ; ). You, on the other hand, once you navigate this post-infidelity emotional field-of-landmines, will emerge smarter, stronger, better (yeah, I never believed that either early on, but it’s true). Big hugs!

    • Hi Tempest; how true about the blame the victim culture…it seems like it is epidemic and not just for Cheaters. When someone wrongs others, the victim needs to worry about what made them do it? A bad childhood? An unfair world? A waste of brain power.

    • Its a trip to me how everyone seems to just forget the man is really the cause of all this. Of course he is nowhere to be found. We need to place the blame where it belongs. On. The. Man.

      • I think they are both blameworthy, even if the married cheater is more blameworthy.

        We live within a social contract. Even 5 year olds know that robbing someone else of money, time, affection, whatever commodity (fill in the blank) is wrong. The APs who KNOW the person is married are not innocent victims. They are participating in deception, and what is referred to in the literature as “mate-poaching.” There is no meaning of “poaching” that does not involve theft.

        For the OW/OM to further victimize the honest partner with verbal daggers is beyond the pale, and just reveals that APs are typically just as entitled and lacking in empathy as the cheaters themselves.

        • Mate poaching! So so so true in my situation. OW has a kid with one dude and married to another that hits her. Leaned on my h for help and then told him she loved him and he was the nicest person she’d ever met. Her own mother told her to do ANYTHING to keep a good man around. Now h thinks it’s real real real true true deep love. Not that loving someone for a decade and building a life with them can compete with 4 months of texting and a single cheap screw ?? Also convenient she never filed for divorce herself from her winner until AFTER she fucked my husband. But somehow he can’t see all this. I’m not sure I want him back but I don’t want to lose everything I’ve worked for for the last ten years either. I still love the dumb fuck but at least I know if he leaves it will all go wrong shortly.

  • Kendal, receiving a reaction like that is obviously infuriating to you immediately and over the short term. I don’t have to tell you how ridiculous and over the top that text is. I bet though that over time you’ll look back at that and actually start to look at the text more positively.

    What I mean by that is, you’ll have a realization that your ex is stuck with an absolute drama queen/psychopath/lunatic for a gf. That text was just a sign to you that the karma bus has already arrived at your ex’s house. You may consider yourself fortunate enough that you got to see it, many of our karma buses take longer to get there.

    And as a guy, I can tell you that seeing something like that from a girl I was with………..good lord I’d be running for the hills. Believe me, he’ll figure that out too pretty soon, and she’ll be ditched at the next opportunity. Then he’ll be getting those texts.

  • Kendal,

    Sounds as though OW jumped off a bridge–didn’t die but suffered much brain damage. One of my STBX’s affair partners contacted me and then spoke to me for @0 minutes–so glad she did as it made me realize how crazy she was and how crazy my husband (by law only) was..Made me realize that after all the insults from my husband over the years, I was too good for him. Too bad I’m losing hundreds of thousands of dollars to ‘undo’ some of the damage caused by marrying an extremely disordered, unlawful person. Too bad I have to see him a few times/week as we have to ‘co-parent.’ I think that, although you were grazed by a bullet, you essentially dodged it.

    I wish you the best in life off this bad Jerry Spriner/Maury Povich episode (the one with body guards tearing two fighting women off each other)). Your ex-fiancé and OW would probably live the publicity, no matter how bad they looked, but you’re too good for that.

  • Thank you CL – your advice makes me laugh out loud – I love it.

    Kendal, do you have you exes mailing address?Everyone in CN should send psycho OW a postcard from every corner of earth with a picture of a bridge on it with two simple words on the back – YOU FIRST. Could you imagine? LOL!

    Aren’t you so glad your ex hooked up with a complete mental case who appears to have the mentality of a 5 year old? Clearly they deserve each other – this text screams insecurity and unstable.

  • I had a few run-ins with the OW. Chumpy me!

    First when I found out, called her and cursed her to eternal hell:)

    Second when she called me at work -to say that she is a respectable woman of character and is not a whore… I could’nt converse further- as I was dumbstruck:)

    Third when she turned up outside my home – to advise why it was in my best interest to divorce my then stbx.. little did she know- I had already put in the papers and his lawyer confirmed he signed it! Thats when I realised the extend of mind-fuckery he was up to.

    They are “happily” married now, starting a new life, in a new house, new job!
    Oh !I cannot wait for the dog, the pregnancy, the baby and the rest of it….
    I pray to Jesus to keep them together forever!!!

  • What do all trailer park trash whores have in common? Illiteracy and the love & need of chaos/drama. What a “catch” she must be, real doozy. I’d say the Karma Bus will have quite the impact when it hits him as this one will not go quietly into the night when he finds someone else. Oh and she’ll be pregnant in a blink of an eye. Very sad for the kids though for having these defects as parents.

    • KB22; Very, very true. You have it summed up. A crazy illiterate fool with a temper problem.
      So true also, she will likely come up pregnant even though she is on birth control (NOT).
      Kendall will probably not have to wait long for the Karma bus to hit her Ex.
      This OW is a regular “Create Your Own Karma Bus Kit”.
      My Ex’s OW wasn’t illiterate that I know of – I met her only once and she could barely speak English!
      She spoke by shaking her ass, wanton looks & putting out! The universal language.

      • Honestly, ALL these women on “birth control” getting pregnant is really starting to be an epidemic. I feel sorry for the women that actually are taking birth control precautions and become pregnant. No one will believe them.

        • The traitor’s whore was unable to have children because she had been abused by her grand dad and sooo damaged…
          Oops, accidental pregnancy when things were turning sour with the traitor. And she’s spent the last 20 years scheming to get the dead grand dad’s house for herself, showers there cos she doesn’t have a bathroom she’s turned hers into the cats toilet (Not making this up!), does her laundry there because (I can’t imagine why!)…BTW grand dad died when she was 6.
          Do you really believe that a little girl who was raped by her grand dad would want to live in his house and spends nearly all her free time in that same house?
          Traitor is dumb enough to believe that shit.

  • Kendal… dear “not married to a fuckwit for eternity” Kendal… make a bowl of popcorn and sit back to watch enjoy this shit show. Or better yet, go get your nails done.

    I had a similar email from Mr. Sparkles OW where she was accusing ME of “interference”… seriously… if fucking another woman’s husband isn’t interference, I do not know what is. BUT… I let the court deal with that hot “adultery” mess.

    Thank God you got away from this freak and his Solid Gold Pick Me Dancer (from CL’s book but a great visual).

    And, the next time you get an ominous looking form… call the place it came from and ask questions. You’re a grown-up. Your x-fiance fuckwit isn’t where you go for answers… you’d be better off asking the Magic 8 Ball.

    Seriously… the UBT… illiteracy is forever. Brilliant.

    Rock on Chump Nation… you can’t make this shit up!

  • This one makes me think of how Kendall’s ex set her up for a major kibblefest for himself at the expense of both of the women, number one. Secondly, Kendall is probably in shock that she came up against classless and thinks she lost. (Kendall-you didn’t lose anything of value believe me)!
    It would be fun to see this OW get double teamed verbally by CL and Judge Judy. I would buy a ticket to that throw down!
    What a waste of oxygen this OW is. Just amazing how low a cheater will go.

  • I woke up, came back here, and felt like I have won the lottery. I have to go to work, but can’t wait to respond. To have CL reach down and pluck me up out of my bewilderment, and then all you smart people help me see and respond, Christmas came so early.
    Last night, my hands were shaking and I could not eat my dinner.

    CL, I feel like a rock star now.Thank you, with everything drop of gratitude.

    • You are getting lots of great advice here. Wow, your EX picked a real winner there, no?

      However, we need to “talk” about that form from the IRS. You must protect yourself. Since you weren’t married, did you file anything together for the IRS. Was the ominous form addressed to just him?

      If just him, make sure to call the IRS and give them his forwarding address.

      And when (not if) the collection calls and bills start arriving (if they haven’t) you absolutely provide the debt holders with his contact information. EVERY TIME.

      If it was addressed to both of you, you need to investigate so you can protect yourself.

      Hugs.

      • Indeed! I wish I had given out the EX’s new contact information when the bill collector’s started calling, but I was still trying to be nice for the sake of the kids and just said he was no longer at this address.

        I also suggest documenting any forwarding you do–contact the post office about his address change, forward truly important documents yourself via registered mail and include a note (keep a copy) that you will only be providing this service for 30 more days. Put the note in every thing you have forwarded. He must officially change his address himself). And then keep your word. After 30 days, just make your postal person take all his mail back.

    • (((Hugs))) to you, Kendal. Oh, the shaking hands. Man, that is the worst. Hope you are feeling better today. 🙂

    • Save that text, Kendal. Whenever anyone asks why you 2 broke up, show them the text. Nuff said. She handed you the winning lottery ticket!

    • I’m so sorry Kendal, my heart goes out to you. I remember the “shaky hands” , can’t eat because I’m nauseous from being intentionally and cruelly traumatized by two fuckwits after I had been so wronged by those two callous creatures. It boggles all logic and reason in ones mind that people can be so horrible. Don’t fret, this craziness will make you one bad strong badass in the long run. It’s been almost 4 years since my world was turned upside down by my two selfish idiots. I swear I was numb for two solid years from enduring their constant antagoninzing whole I tried my best to keep my head above water while raising my two sweet children alone and attempting to keep my sanity. I get it. You’ll have good days and bad ones…and then a funny thing happens..you stop giving a fuck. That’s what we call “Tuesday”. Your Tuesday is coming…this too, shall pass. And you have an amazing life in store for you. One day this whole experience will be something you will look back on and roll your eyes at the sheer stupidity of these two morons. Hang in there!!

  • Kendal

    The real problem is your ex-cheater who chose a foul mouthed illiterate OW. I noticed in your post to CL you said, “This is what he allowed the OW to text to me back in part:”

    I’m going to give a virtual snap out if it smack upside the noggin. Your cheater didn’t allow the grammar challenged foul mouthed low IQ trash talking OW to trash talk and tell you to jump off a bridge. If there’s a bridge she probably lives under it.

    You just got the best revenge, you have proof of how disgusting and dumb he and the OW are.

    You should be laughing, you should be celebrating that you’re free of those two idiots.

    You got the proof of their low value, just as CL says, “trust that they suck”

  • I am sure you were startled by her message, but if you quiet your mind I think you could have heard the karma bus pull up..
    Your pussy ex was driving and his window licking girlfriend was his passenger..lol
    Continue to carry your self with grace and diginity and do not board that bus with them, just go NC, stay NC
    Do no drama, do no toxic.
    You have dodged a bullet being with this boy (he’s not a man)…she is his new hostage now..thank you lucky stars everyday you got away and you are a true badass for surviving it just like the rest of us.

  • I blame it all, 100% on the cheater. OW or OM would not feel so at liberty to respond if they did not feel somehow superior to the BS. They want to feel superior because they feel it gives them some security or sense of control in the affair – (I’ve heard OW say “the old wife abused and neglected AP”. They think their “true love” will last forever if they defend him and never do those things!)

    “Mr. Magneto” went to every AP claiming to be friends, asking for “help” with his troubled marriage. While never saying anything to me at home. It is “feeler radar” for cheaters to locate someone willing to respond to the sad sausage story. How many here have heard “she only wanted to HELP our marriage, and we fell in love later!” — they were going to “save each other” and be happy.

    These glorious “friends” stepped in, and helped him (with all their wonderful knowledge) all the way into the sack. I’m sure they feel like saviors. That is why I believe they have such all knowing entitled attitudes. It is fabricated, fed and perpetuated by the cheater.

  • Kendal, ignore her. she is an attention w**re. Last year, the OW, now fiancee of my ex, send me a Facebook friendship request… just to show me she got a ring. I did not reply (I recognize her cause she had a gigantic picture of my ex as cover photo of her facebook page… lmao). The first thing I thought was hiring a killer cause she ruined my mojo. I prepared a reply… then I deleted it and I just refused her offer and blocked her. Since that day… she is stalking me. On.every.social.media. I blocked her everywhere… even from Pinterest… They are sick, seriously. They have no self – esteem and they will leave with the fear of being dumped… (and more often than not… this will happen). It is funny cause whatever they write to you is more or less what they think of themselves. Ignore, block and smile. Want to take revenge? Be happy. The happier you get… the more livid they will become. Wish you all the best!!!

    • LOL!! Yes some of these women really just like the drama and battling another woman. Why would she stalk you after she got the man? CAUSE ITS NOT ABOUT THE MAN. It is about winning. She is probably jealous of you. I bet you are cuter than she is lol women hate that.

    • I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for the “proposal”. Pretty sure OW gave some serious ultimatums to get the ring and then she had to shove it in your face to make it seem authentic. Talk about desperate and creepy behavior.

  • But, of course, he is nowhere to be found. Lets the women battle it out. What a catch! Further, the other woman is not the one who “blew up my life” THE MAN DID. Now I do get her anger in someone like this spewing vitriol towards her. That is beyond detestable. BUT aside of that, SHE is not the issue. Its that weasel of a man who is enjoying the idea of two women (possibly) fighting over him. Personally I would cuss her out and make sure she realizes that it is not HIM I am fighting over. It’s the fact that you have no right to call me with that bullshit judging me, when this is about a no good, indecisive, testicle free man, who is trying to make us fight over him picking one of us. Id also tell her she can have him. THis last statement usually has a deafening effect. I did it before. She (the gf, not a wife) had called me up going crazy over “her man” who by the way had told me he was single and had no gf. I wasn’t really into him anyway, we’d just met, and I wasn’t going to tolerate his lies so I stopped her in the middle of the rant and said “Look, he told me you guys were through. But it looks like he lied. I don’t want a liar. You can have him. He is all yours.” She got quiet. I was puzzled. I realize it was because she was enjoying the drama and I neutralized it. I am not fighting over a man. Period. Finally she said, “No you can have him.” I said “Trust me he is yours now. Good bye.” I hung up the damn phone and went on with my life. It is not worth fighting over a man. It is however, worth telling her she can have him. LOL!!

  • Hi Kendal:

    I’d have been pissed off at the message, too, but then I’d have thought about it a bit more and laughed my ass off. You see, if the IRS had sent a letter to my address instead of to CheaterX’s, I’d probably have broken No Contact as well. However, a response like the one OW sent you would have reassured me that 1) I had fulfilled my obligation as an ethical human being, 2) CheaterX and OW are deranged idiots, and 3) I have officially been fired of the task of notifying him of any his important legal documents that arrived at my house.

    I’d be chuckling gleefully as I wrote “not at this address” on all of those notices (save for bill collectors, I’d definitely give his address and cell number to the bill collectors).

  • How about receiving a text from the OW demanding a picture of the man in question asleep in your bed?

    Yep, it happened to me……

  • Wow Kendal! What a stark definition of “downgrade” may those two be forever bonded to each other!

    So happy to see all the wonderful people here who embrace No Contact, the path to the truth and the light! It does my heart good to see the support for the one thing that can truly free you from a cheater.

  • Very sad! The best thing I could have done was no contact-it has helped heal my heart. As I read this post, I couldn’t help but reflect on some of the insane messages I read from the OW.

    I recalled the morning I confronted him about the same-sex pornography he was addicted to and a text I read on his phone about spooning with a guy friend which prompted me to check his browsing history and I was paralyzed and feared for my health. He went to work looking like death as his biggest secret was revealed. He returned from work in the same state-his AP is his secretary. I checked his messages and of course there was one from her “we all battle our own daily struggles…as I watch the one I love…remember it’s okay to be selfish!!! It’s okay to be happy! You don’t need permission or validation for who you are, what you want, who you love…if she is trying to change you then it’s not you she cares about or is thinking about…Evaluate who you have around you…She is toxic and will make you as miserable as she is. Don’t allow it! Be you!! Be strong! Be proud!! Always!!” That was his theme-I am not going to change for anyone so I know he is still screwing his male partner who is also married and her-sometimes our immortal advice comes back to eat us up!

    Don’t let the craziness of the AP distract you…trust me life is miserable for them despite the happiness they portray in public. They don’t know the person they are sleeping with; if they did they would not sleep with him/her. But don’t even concern yourself with their lives; it’s not worth your thoughts.

    • Oh, Grateful, that message from the AP just begs for a UBT, as well:

      “we all battle our own daily struggles…”

      READ: I know you struggle with impulse control problems, as do I as your affair partner….Squirrel!….none of us is perfect (though at least we’re more perfect than your wife, Grateful, hee hee) and…Chocolate!

      “remember it’s okay to be selfish!!! It’s okay to be happy!”

      READ: If you want to quit your job, and sit around watching Clint Eastwood movies all day, do it! YOLO, find your happy place! You only have one life to live. Pleasure should be your moral compass! (want a blow job at lunch?)

      “You don’t need permission or validation for who you are, what you want, who you love…if she is trying to change you then it’s not you she cares about or is thinking about…”

      READ: Be content being a dishonest asshole! Somebody has to be! We all need to find our niche. I validate that you are an asshole, even if that meanie wife of yours holds you to higher standards. She doesn’t care that her high opinion of you is stifling or wrong, and that is painfully invalidating.

      [now my eyes hurt from rolling them]

  • That semi literate nut job’s letter is a stark reminder to stay no contact if at all possible.
    Every time you engage with these disordered wing nuts,you stand a high chance of getting burned.I wonder if on some level Kendal felt an urge to make contact with this guy and believe me I am not criticising, as I really had to work so hard to maintain NC.It was a white knuckle situation, as the trauma bonding does a weird number on your brain, which is so difficult to overcome.It’s like battling an addiction.Been there,done that.
    Kendal ,please do everything in your power to erase them from your life and consciousness.

  • “Single people can couple. Illiteracy is forever. I may be unmarried, but I can spell. Next time you insult someone? Try punctuation and spell check.”

    I add any email in general from my soon to be ex. No punctuation. Spelling errors. Missing words. Incomplete sentences. Sometimes the emails make no sense at all.

    I read them and think what the heck?

    • My ex writes incoherently as well. Misspellings, odd capitalization, no punctuation, and rambles so much it’s impossible to follow his thoughts.

      I think those emails are the printed version of what goes on in his head. Disordered indeed.

  • My ex’s OW showed the same exact contempt, but she did it by babbling nonstop about LOVE. Online, offline, in person, in print. The take home message is they are showing contempt. And disrespect. And greed. Your basic entitlement cookie.
    Grey rock is your ONLY option.

  • As difficult as it is to overcome the urge to unravel the skein of FU for your spouse, it is even more important to step away from the drama and the trauma of the idiot OW. First of all, trying to understand someone who thinks it is perfectly ok to go after another woman’s husband is futile. They have no character or morals, and/or maybe they just want to F’over another woman as a power trip. Whatever the motivation — it is not something you will ever be able to understand, because a chump looks at life from an entirely different perspective. If the cheater lied to the OW and represented himself as single and available — then she has a choice to make immediately when she finds out about the lie. Any woman in that position who has good sense will throw him out the door immediately. There is very little invested in a situation like that — you take out the trash as soon as it starts to smell. Waiting around will only enhance the stench, it will never erase it. Ultimately, the chump comes to the same life-saving conclusion, but it takes longer because of the time investment, and the shock, and the children and, and, and…

    In the case of misrepresentation to the OW — that is her one and only chance to do the right thing, in my opinion. Anything that happens to her after she knows the truth is a result of her actions, her choices. You cannot worry about what happens to her. You cannot change the cheater. You can only decide how to take care of yourself, and your children if you have any.

    I was very happy to see that so many chumps recognize that the OW in this case is not only an idiot, but is also acting out of fear. Somewhere in her nearly dead brain is a voice which is whispering to her that she has connected with a loser, and the problem is not really the Evil Wife. She instinctively knows that if he will cheat on you with her, he will cheat on her with someone else. She may want to pretend she is special, but we know she is not. Time usually takes care of these idiots — because they are thieves, and their crimes catch up with them.

    I think we do the Pick Me Dance because we are traumatized by the shock of the crash — our world comes to a shrieking end, everything changes, and we are dazed and confused. We certainly have conflicting advisors — who to believe, what to do, and for chumps, what is the right thing to do? I think we are the only ones who worry about that. The right thing is to step away from the crazy — to make choices which will lead to meh, and away from the deranged and morally bereft cheaters we became connected to. Nothing is gained by trying to talk with a skunk. It just pisses the skunk off, and you will end up smelling even worse as a result of even being near one. You don’t owe the skunk any consideration — you owe yourself time and distance, and the opportunity for a much better life.

    • Kendal, you did such a great job by not responding to the OW but sharing her letter here. When I was trying to stay no contact, a good friend told me to call her instead when I felt the urge to respond. Trying to communicate with people who make no sense is just another way to hurt yourself, and your first priority is to protect yourself from unnecessary pain now. Stay strong and don’t respond. If you can, block her number from your cell phone. There’s no reason she should ever communicate with you.

  • Ok-here is what you do in this case: everything already so succinctly said by CL. The other thing is who in the fuck cares if he gets a letter from the IRS? I know the chumpy you takes the high road and let’s him know……not a felony……but not good for you in your healing (obviously)
    This drivel from an ordinary low class cum dumpster should make you furious at your piece of shit ex. This is what he chose??? Over you when he cheated??? Lord almighty, if his taste in pussy is that fucked up, you are the clear winner here.
    Stay away from both of them. Forever. Cut off every avenue they have to terrorize you. These type fuckers really get all orgasmic when they can cause drama and triangulation. It’s fodder for them for a couple weeks.
    Now….if you are anything like me, you will file this event away for future reference. There will come a day when you may happen to run into this cumdumpster. That’s when you make sure to make your presence known, set a 30 second head start countdown, and put a big old fat grin on your face. Cuz, bitch, when I get my hands on you, you will not ever forget my name. Ever.
    Of course, I’m kinda violent that way.??

  • Wow, that has to be a first, attacking an ex fiance for saving herself. Kendall’s ex is into beat up vaginas and illiterate women. CL is correct ow pick me dance is sad. X is enjoying the triangulation.

  • This thread is HILARIOUS. I’ve been no contact with my ex since discovering he had three girlfriends, plus a couple of APs (that I found contacts for) At first I told all about his actions because I wanted them to make reality-based decisions. Then I followed up with all to let them know that he’d given me (and likely them) high-risk HPV.

    I hadn’t realized that two of his most recent APs knew each other. The med tech told the Spin Doctor (my-ex who is was a Navy physician plus taught spin at the Y) about her massage therapist. This became a problem when he began having sex with both of them. When the massage therapist posted on FB a picture of her giving Spin Doctor a foot massage, med tech commented that they were having an affair, etc.

    I didn’t see any of this (defriended on FB). Once the FB post was removed they started emailing each other with a copy to me and the Spin Doctor. Hilarious grammatical errors and drama. I stayed silent and just enjoyed watching the shit sandwich delivery to him. Cheaters never trade up.

    • Not much medicine being done with all this going on! Really, people have too much free time while the world is going down the gurgler…

  • Kendal, you are SO lucky that he hooked up with this lovely lady (ha!) NOW before you had wasted even one more second of your precious life on him! Thank your lucky stars!

  • My XH had, and has, 3 main affair partners with a few others as one night stands- the 2 still currently orbiting him are both very badly educated, which is notable only because he is such a grammar and punctuation snob. I have had the pleasure of reading various letters and emails from both of them, including the one where OW 1 had an epifanee- took me a while to work out what she meant. The other thing I picked up from their letters/ emails was how much my ex had bullshitted them- recurring remarks about saving him from my terrible cooking and my children from my terrible mothering. Um, I don’t want to boast but… I’m a really good cook, and baker. People ask me to cook for them.And the mothering…yeah, not a problem.That’s the bit I have trouble with- why lie about the cooking? there are other things he could have told them that would have been more true. I’m terrible at parallel parking. I can’t shuffle cards. I have no idea about computers. But I can cook, and I can look after my kids ( and make their appointments, and get them to school on time, and buy them new underwear, and take them to the psychologist when they are traumatised by their dad’s girlfriend… the usual mothery things)

    • The cooking thing is to spur the APs into doing the pick me cook, so he can get more and more delicious cake. Quite clever. Getting them to pick me parallel park wouldn’t be as enjoyable…

      • True and funny! although one of them rammed her car into his garage so she might lack parking skills as well…Then she sent ME a text threatening to kill herself… fun times. Ah well.Time for some therapy baking.

  • I’m convinced that any contact..however innocent seeming..however small..no matter how much time has passed since D-Day..with anyone in the Circle of Crazy, can too easily lead to us feeling shitty and perhaps devastated and totally broken. If at all possible, best to cut and run and sever all communication with the lot of them.

    I received two types of correspondence from the OM. For perspective, this kid was 24, and my now ex was 47. We befriended him as an awkward in-the-closet kid who to me seemed really nice (he once asked about my sick cat!) and who we thought we could mentor. In retrospect, that was more my ex’s angle, and I went with it. Anyway, the first correspondence type went something like this:

    ‘Hey there! So I know just how you feel! I remember being really bummed when my high school besties would ditch me and sneak around behind my back. It hurt real bad like. You must hurt real bad like. I’m sorry. I hope you and your man can work things out. Let me know if you want to go for a hike and chat and vent.’

    [He’s so young! And what’s this? He’s comparing his part in blowing up my 20 year relationship to his adolescent pain of being ditched in high school? Oh the feels! But wait? He’s sorry. He’s hoping my partner and I can work this out. And he wants to be there for me and receive my venting! What a nice kid. But I was going out of my way to help this guy get on his feet. The little shit. He’s so young!]

    The second type was just so weird:

    ‘I don’t think I ever forgave you when you told **** that he couldn’t hang out with me. What a jerk you are, brah. So my repeatedly hooking up with **** is all your fault. All your fault! I take no responsibility for my actions. I basically had to do it because, you know, you’re a jerk. And oh how do I love him so! **** and I think you’re a jerk, brah!’

    [OK. So now I’m just pissed. And so confused. And horrified. I had told my now ex it would be a really good idea to stop hanging out with this kid because it’s became really clear he has a huge crush on you, and he’s 24, and you’re the adult. He could get really hurt. And he’s 24, and you’re the adult! How about you point this kid in another direction away from you and us and to other community services that can help him. Knowing my ex was chickenshit, I told him if he wanted he could use me as reason–that I don’t feel comfortable with it anymore. Lessons learned.]

    When the OM was passively nice, I was confused and didn’t trust my feelings. When he was an aggressive jerk, I was confused and didn’t trust my feelings. The confusion and not trusting for me came from feeling all of the feelings at once–compassion, rage, terror, heartbreak, devastation, fear, weakness, self-loathing, murderous, empathetic… It was all too much. I dismissed my feeling of rage because he was a kid and didn’t know any better–I remember being a closeted gay kid–sucks so bad. But I hated him so much. And my ex, welp, I was doing the Pick Me Dance with him. And I hated him, too. And felt sad that he was in love with someone else and who was I to keep him from experiencing, as he put it, True Love?

    Bah!

    If possible, the only way is No Contact. I don’t think our brains can handle the cognitive dissonance that comes from contact, and the sorting and figuring and Untangling the Skein of Fucked Uppedness that is too easily kicked into high gear.

    • Chumpdude, you are so right and such a chump! You kept trying to see the good in people while they had no respect for you. NC is the way, especially for someone like you who can so easily be drawn into trying to understand people, while all they care about is themselves.

    • Not that much of a kid! If he was 24-that’s approaching real adult status. Don’t give him any passes on the grounds of youth- he may be immature, but that’s different. I had a little talk to my XH too, about how one of our employees obviously had a crush and he shouldn’t inadvertently encourage her… inadvertently my arse. They were fucking like bunnies while she planned to singlewhitefemale my life.

  • Oh lord, the more I read here the more I KNOW they’re all cut from the same pattern. My ex’s OW stalked me like no business. Really it freaked me out. Before I had definite confirmation of the affair, she kept calling my work. I told my ex. Of course, it wasn’t what I thought it was. She does “business” with my company and the receptionist connected her to the wrong person. Clue #99999 that there was some spanky panky happening. Throughout the year before our divorce was final, she would just appear or call me. But of course, I was dreaming it all according to ex. Two really very creepy instances stick out in my head:

    First, my ex’s grandmother died. His SISTER called me to let me know and let ex know–they “couldn’t reach him.” (They KNEW by then we were separated.) So I call his cell and leave a message–“hey, call me back, I have something I need to talk to you personally about.” I was nice, didn’t want to say, “hey grandma died” and hang up. Well this control freak of a bimbo would always answer his cell and house phone. She got the message and told ex he had a message. She probably gave it to him, full blast that we were in contact. She also called me and gave me crap. I told her then, hey look, family emergency, death in the family. He KNEW who died when she told him (grandmother had been expected to die for a few weeks). So…… I got about my business. A couple hours later, I get a call from ex’s sister AGAIN. She gives me total bullshit about making drama about her grandmother’s death. What?????? Ex called her to whine and get a sympathy party out of the situation. OMFG. I listened to ex sister-in-law for 2 minutes and said “I gotta go” very coldly and didn’t EVEN say “sorry for death of your grandma” because I was sooooooooooooooooo pissed off.

    Second: AP literally sat in my driveway the night before our divorce was to be finalized in court. Watching my every move from the moment I got home. I call the cops. They give her a warning. An hour or two later, she keeps calling me every 10 minutes or so, begging that I “make sure he comes home with divorce papers tomorrow.” I’d keep hanging up. So I call cops again. While I wait for cops to come, she calls AGAIN — threatening me saying stuff like “don’t come home after dark…” Well cops come to door while she’s at it. I handed the phone to cop. I had enough for a restraining order against her. I was pretty shaken up then but now that I think about it, it was pretty funny when the cop was listening and she didn’t realize it. He identified himself as Officer SoandSo of the City Police once she stopped her yelling and crying.

    They’re just freaking nuts. Never, ever talk to them.

  • Not to worry, he is going to grind her into the ground with her insecurities. Make some popcorn and enjoy the show!

  • The OW in my case loves to project. I received two letters metered through a machine at one of the charities she so wonderfully volunteers for. You know so I won’t know it’s really her who sent them. Typed up, fancy font, using LOVE stamps. Nice touch, she’s classy. Huge envelopes because each envelope contained 8X10s of her in various flattering poses with my husband if 32 years. Oh the drama of it. What middle aged woman does this adolescent stuff? The letters said I was a dreadful wife and mother. That my husband didn’t love me and for me to give him a divorce. Oh and that he loved her. Okay. She won herself my husband! Good for her. I just saved the letters and used them as leverage in my divorce. She’s a peach. So happy they found each other. He can be her third husband after all she’s a fabulous wife!!

    • Sorry Libra, but glad you will able to use the idiots photos as evidence. Good for you. You have a great attitude.

      • Thank you Kiwichump. You have to know I was devastated at first, couldn’t even drive down the street. Counseling, medication (for me) and time and CN helped me get to where I am today. So by the time the OW letters came she was just a crazy,dysfunctional cartoon character. And so was my husband.

    • I read desperate. Pathetic human being, needing your validation.
      Good for you that you used that crap to get a sweet deal! Smart woman!

      What she wrote to you is partly projection (talking about herself) and partly the crap your husband told her.
      Now that you left the triangle, be sure their life is pretty dull.

      I don’t give a f what the OW thinks of me! I value my judgement and opinion of myself much higher than their crap! And so will my son.

  • He must really dig her vagina, because he sure AF didn’t sleep with her for her magnificent brain.

    I see a guest appearance on an episode of Maury Povich in her future.

  • Kendal,
    That awful feeling of getting such a horrible communication from the OW…is familiar to me. I long ago chucked out the copies of my tormentor’s messages which came by email. She had been a colleague of my partner, a penniless girl who, it turned out, had coveted my life. She had been hating on me for months while still a complete stranger. She told me in emails how she had looked up my work profile online each day and how she had wished me dead so she could have my partner, my home, my possessions.

    I, like you, did nothing to deserve their bullying.

    To think he revealed so much about me to her over the months before I found out….was so creepy. Together they conspired to poison me because I had made him my insurance beneficiary. Never underestimate the evil of these cretins who have no other way to pull themselves up, than to harm you. And when it is the person you sleep beside, whom you think loves you, that ends up betraying you, well, THEY are the ones who deserve to suffer.

    • Omg! I had that awful feeling, that the OW wanted my life!
      They (he/she) never voiced it though.
      How terrible! How small some people are!
      I managed to piss him and her by refusing to acknowledge her. “Affair partner” and now “sex partner”.
      My son doesn’t mention her, so for me she doesn’t exist!

  • This goes into the “Goes Without Saying” category, but clearly her message to you was all about her, and nothing to do with you.

    I read her message to you and I just immediately felt pity. Aww, how sad she is.

  • I like that you called out her obsession with the OP, Chump Lady. People tend to project in conversations. For example, I have been working on my social skills lately and noticed that, many times, when people as you a question, they often want to be asked that question themselves. In this case, the OW perhaps feels hated by the OP, threatened, etc. and is obsessed with her (evidence by hurling all of these top-of-mind details at the OP).

    At any rate, great post CL. And to the OP, much love and strength!

  • UBT is an awesome tool! So much fun in a short text, who knew?

    The stalker bit I thought it too…that this woman is stalking you.
    But there is more to it. She didn’t come up with that word herself, she was told you are stalking him.
    This guy is a hot-cold commitmentphob piece of junk. He feels (or likes to think) he’s stalked by women. Why would he think that? Because that’s what he does!
    How do I know that? I met one. And I kept a journal! I figured he had been stalking me MONTHS before I even knew he exists. And years after. His married girlfriend? She called me, pretending to want with someone else. She hang up as if she touched a hot iron when I answered to put him on the phone.
    There are no coincidences. Think hard how you 2 met. How well he knew you.
    Besides No Contact, you need to protect yourself. This guy is hunting you. He’s not letting you go. Be careful.

  • Kendal, it seems your ex met the OW and went colorblind… that “greener grass” he was looking for turned out to be a nice shade of “Trailer Shit Brown”. Just put on your Teflon coat and let all that verbal dung roll right off your back. Go ZERO CONTACT and you won’t have to deal with this sort of sewage again.

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