How Do I Tell My Pregnant SIL Her Husband Is Cheating?
Should you tell someone her husband is cheating? Or let the entitled creep get away with it and press others into an abusive conspiracy? Let it sit? Chump Lady has some thoughts.
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Dear Chump Lady,
I just came across your blog while googling for help in our situation.
We have a very close family. My SIL is my very, very best friend. Our husbands work together and are also best friends. A mutual work friend made my husband aware recently that our BIL is having an affair. With a woman we also know well from work (and she grew up with my husband and SIL). The affair has been going on for well over a year. Through the horrible miscarriage my SIL suffered and has continued even while she’s pregnant again. My husband had a suspicion all this was going on, but the mutual friend had a lot more info and really confirmed it. My husband then saw both BIL and OW vehicles parked together at a hotel and saw them both together in the OW vehicle. He got pictures (although far away and blurry).
I’ve read all over the internet about how to tell SIL her husband is cheating.
We want to wait until she’s far enough along in her pregnancy. She’s already has so much fear over losing the baby. But we are unsure of how to go about approaching this. OW is someone who SIL and I actually cannot stand and often talk about protecting our husbands from her. The OW being who it is will make an already tough situation even harder.
It’s so shocking. BIL is clearly a master manipulator and had us all fooled for a very long time. How will he spin everything? SIL adores him and is a SAHM with their 2 year old and with being pregnant, I know she’ll want to cling to any lies he tells her rather than accept the hard truth. We know my SIL needs to know, deserves to know. How can we minimize drama for everyone? Or risk BIL somehow spinning things and potentially ruining our relationship with SIL?
The mutual friend does not want to be involved.
We looked into a private investigator but can’t possibly afford it. Should we keep trying to catch them in the act for evidence? Husband thinks an anonymous letter may be the best way to go? Explain everything mutual friend told us as well as include photos of cars together? Are the photos we have enough evidence? Should my husband approach SIL directly since she’s his little sister?
I know you have seen and heard it all and that our situation is probably more common than we realize. Any insight would be so helpful. I am so sick over all of this and in such shock that our BIL is not the sweet wonderful guy we thought he was.
Thank you so much in advance.
Worried SIL
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Dear Worried,
The health of your very, very best friend in the world — and that of her unborn child — is at stake. You and your husband need to find your guts, chuck the anonymous letter approach and TELL THIS WOMAN NOW her husband is cheating. Say what you know and how you know it. Complete with blurry photo, and complete with your husband confessing to his sister that he saw the cheaters’ cars at a hotel and the two of them in the same car.
Consider the health risks of not telling.
BIL asshole is having sex — most likely unprotected sex — with the OW. The risk of STDs is some very serious shit when you’re pregnant. I know you worry the stress might make her miscarry, but also consider the very real risks of unknown STD exposure. This is information your SIL needs to share with her Ob-Gyn immediately. I’m sure several chumps here who lost pregnancies from STDs, or whose children had resulting complications, or who discovered their husbands cheating while pregnant will chime in on how devastating this is.
And here’s some cheery news for women chumps — new research came out this week that cervical cancer is far more deadly than previously supposed, especially for black women. Let’s not minimize the health dangers of being chumped. This creep is playing Russian roulette with your SIL’s health, fertility, and her ability to carry this pregnancy to term.
STDs are no joke.
Just to hammer home my message on the health risks here, I asked my college friend Leyla, an Ob-Gyn, to weigh in on this, about whether you should tell your doctor that your partner has been unfaithful. She had this to share:
Yes. Chlamydia and gonorrhea are checked at first prenatal visit. But if there is ‘contact’ afterwards and we don’t check, the baby can be affected by chlamydia. Miscarriage can happen, but also pneumonia from chlamydia along with the usual infected baby/preterm birth. I just had a girl test positive for Chlamydia then negative after treatment. Then baby had chlamydia pneumonia after birth.
Don’t downplay the risk, as if surely the cheater would know! Or would take precautions? Note — 7 out of 10 people who get Chlamydia have no symptoms. Partners also lie about their STD treatments, Leyla says. So chumps? TELL YOUR DOCTOR.
Neutrality favors the cheater.
The bottom line here Worried is that you are a person who purports to love your SIL. I’m sorry your loyalties are being tested. I know it’s awkward, but you are called upon to make a choice. Neutrality, anonymous copping out is a choice too — a choice that favors the cheater. It’s not fair that the cheater has put you in the dreadful position of delivering painful news to someone you love, but telling her husband is cheating is the loving thing to do. It means you respect her. You are giving her agency that her husband is denying her. Right now, you are all carrying a huge secret — and the longer you keep it, the longer she will feel conspired against and betrayed.
Need a script?
CN can help here too, but here’s a stab at it. First, get her ALONE and away from the cheater when you lay this on her.
SIL, I have some really difficult news to share with you. Douchebag has been cheating on you with OW. I’m sorry, I know this comes as a shock at a time when you are very vulnerable, but I’m worried that his infidelity could have health risks for you and your pregnancy. This isn’t speculation — your brother saw them at a hotel together and in a car and took pictures. The affair is also well-known by Co-worker, who told us more about it and confirmed certain things.
I know you love your husband and your family, but please take care of yourself and your baby. He can go rot. We’re furious and heartbroken too.
Then Worried, I would tell her about this community, Chump Nation, and how she can talk to other people 24/7 who have lived this and survived it and who are on the other side.
Also, Worried, after you do the very difficult, painful thing of telling her, you must let go of the consequences. She might leave him. Or she may take him back. She may go into deep chump mode. She’ll be cycling through a lot of stages of grief — just be there for her.
You’re not the bad guy for telling. He’s the bad guy for cheating on her. The way to stop bad guys from doing bad things is to expose them. Good luck.
I would really like to know the outcome of this. I wish with all my heart that someone would have found out and told me. Someone who loves me and wanted me to be OK. I think having family in my corner from the very beginning would have made a huge difference. I felt so very alone for so long because I was afraid to open my mouth and talk.
Telling her is the right thing to do. I hope you do it today.
“The bitterest truth is better than the sweetest lie.”
That’s from Men In Black III and said by the character of Griffin. And it’s one of the best, and truest axioms to live by – especially if you are a chump.
I too would like to know what comes of this – a terrible situation made by yet another cake-eating narcissistic unrepentant douchebag. I hope the writer has the courage and moral rectitude to be honest with her Sister in Law.
This made me think of this: “Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.” Proverbs 27:6. This is what Worried SIL’s poor SIL is living, and what we ALL lived until we found the strength to put an end to the abuse.
Please do tell your SIL, but do it in person, sit and cry with her. Surround her with love and encouragement. No it won’t be easy, and no it won’t feel good for a very long time for all of you, but it will stop the abuse NOW.
I’m so sorry to hear of this and will pray for all of you and that precious unborn baby. Xoxo
I would go into the meeting with a list of pit bull lawyers. Do the research for her. She will be overwhelmed. At least she can get a consultation to find out her rights.
Good point, Lisa.
Its my understanding that if she has meetings with several of the best Pit Bull Attys around, giving them information that would constitute Atty/Client Privilege, this would prevent the Cheater from being able to retain any of them later, giving her legal advantage.
She should get all her ducks in a row before Cheater knows he’s busted.
Dear SIL,
I’ve ordered a copy of Tracy’s book for you and I’m willing to mail it to you free. I’d be happy to email you directly so that you can give it to your bestest friend. I should get it by this coming Monday.
Let me know. I’ll check periodically to see if you are interested. I’m not sure how to keep your information private… Perhaps Tempest or Chump Lady can help us with that.
PeakyBlinders
Aw thank you so much!!!! That is so thoughtful and kind of you and will be a blessing to her! I’m not quite sure either? Chump Lady has my email and I’m fine with her giving that to you privately if that’s an option. Thank you 🙂
I just have to share this with you! After 10 months of swearing there was no affair, All of my evidence was circumstantial. He had sworn to me, begged and groveled that although it looked bad- that was not what happened. 10 months later I discovered that he had hidden almost our entire savings! To the tune of $40,000 !! Yes, you read that right! These affairs turn them into Aliens!! Have her get as much money out and hide it before he knows she knows!!
You can both email me at tempest.ariel2014@gmail.com and I’ll connect you.
Thank you Tempest! Tracy gave me SIL’s email, so when the book arrives, I will email SIL. 🙂
You’re very welcome! Thank you for being so brave. I will contact Tracy.
I also wish someone, anyone had told me.
You will probably read lots of comments that express the same – actually, I’m pretty sure that you won’t hear from anyone who wouldn’t have wanted to know the truth.
That painful news from someone who cares about you is far easier that finding out on your own.
Please give her the truth, be there for her and help her.
And get that OW OUT of the office!
“That painful news from someone who cares about you is far easier that finding out on your own.”
This is exactly what I’ve told my husband. I feel like telling her to her face. Being there to hold her and comfort her and cry with her is so important. We are such a close family that I know she’ll be thankful such horrible news is coming from her brother who she adores and admires so much.
Ugh don’t even get me started with OW. Why oh why did he have to pick HER of all the slutty women in the world. It’s easy for me to direct anger and rage towards her as I’ve had my own confrontations with her in the past. But i have to remind myself that BIL is the main person to be angry with. How could he do this to her? While grieving a baby? While TTC and getting pregnant again? UGH.
Tell her. Tell her today. I was 4 months pregnant with our 3rd when I found out he was cheating with our coworker. We are a very tight knit community too. Lots of family and friends at work…he was exposed and so was she. Then he abandoned the children and I and the whole community turned on them. They have no friends and no respect at work. I needed my friends to unite with me. I didn’t even have a high risk pregnancy and the baby was born 4 weeks early and I almost died on the operating table. So yeah tell her so she can get the hell away from this lunatic. The only thing that matters is the kids and the baby. Do not tolerate this behavior. I’m 2 years past D day and have a beautiful new life. She will too. And tell her there are good men out there. Men who would never do this to her and her children. And then help her get an attorney. Push her along every step of the way and help her take him for all his ever loving money. It’s for the kids and for her to start over. She’ll need every cent. He’ll submit if she doesn’t let up. Help her leave NOW
Probably because he has a personality disorder, like virtually every cheater. Once you feel like she can take it, tell her to start looking at the Cluster B personality disorders.
I would bet dollars to doughnuts, this is not this guy’s firs go round in this realm, just as I would bet she has been subjected to other forms of emotional abuse throughout their relationship.
These miscreants do not confine their abuse to just the fidelity realm. Bet he has been lying to her and gaslighting her for a long time. I would bet he is dishonest and lacks empathy in all sorts of areas, as well.
Know this: The vast majority of affairs go undetected, forever. If this one has been uncovered, the odds are very, very high, there have been others. Affairs are like cockroaches: if you see one, there are many more looming.
When you know who the OW is, it just adds another stab to the heart. I saw my XH’s married ho-worker for months at work before I found out, and she was all smiles and happy emails to my face ALL THE TIME while she had just been fucking my husband the night before. Went to several mutual work and personal functions with her and her husband, too…and he had no idea, either.
I know the anger is supposed to be directed at the cheating spouse for the most part, but in my opinion, you have just as much right to be angry with the OW as you do him, especially because you know her…when they know you, know he’s married, has a pregnant wife, and has been in your presence on multiple occasions and they still continue to be fully immersed in the affair…repulsive. I feel they deserve just as much anger. Maybe that’s just me still working through my stuff, though….regardless, your SIL is so lucky to have such genuine people in her life. Thank you for being such good people….
Oh God yeah! The OW was a long term, childhood friend whom I brought on family holidays to our holiday home often. Being made a total fool of is a big part of my slow recovery from the heartbreak of losing my love story of almost 3 decades with a man I totally adored. Yeah, he promised to be faithful to me, she did no such thing. But common decency is apparently not so common. Not fucking your friend’s love seems a fairly simple and kind boundary. Not fucking your love’s friend is also a fairly simple and kind way to live.
I am so sorry, WorriedSIL. I wish someone had told me. No one admits to knowing. Because that makes you a bad friend/family member, right? Tell her and be there for her.
This happened to me too IntegrityIntact.
The OW was a coworker who we saw regularly. The night before DDay she sat across from me at a pub all giggles and smiles. My albatross sat next to her – what a chump I am.
The only person who tried to tell me was another coworker who I didn’t see often or know that well. She hinted at it but I didn’t get it because I loved and respected albatross so much. I still struggle to this day reconciling the person I believed he was with the person he actually was.
Worried SIL, I often feel like not knowing was like being fed poison every day. I believe that every day it continues is a more damage to the body, heart and soul of the chump. It would have hurt like crazy to hear it but to have someone who loved me there when I found out would have been much preferable to being alone and knowing all of the days that I ate that poison and thought it was ice cream.
Thanks all for agreeing and making me feel my anger, even though I’m working on it, is still justified 🙂 And that I’m not crazy…well, to be honest, since I started coming here you’ve helped me feel I’m not crazy. And how that anger rages up still.
And Alice, I’m so sorry…obviously you know the feeling well. It really does suck doesn’t it. My XH is still with her, too. However, I very much enjoy your nickname for yours, albatross! I just call mine fucker, motherfucker, piece of shit, etc….haven’t come up with anything very original or clever 🙂 Thank you for sharing…
I have mine saved as FAA in my phone. When he Skypes the kids and acts like Mr. Rogers, like he didn’t just move to the opposite coast for his affair partner and take their father away from them, this reminds me to never, ever be duped by his charm again.
Family-Abandoning Asshat!!
Completely agree. I’ve found there’s a common fallacy that says you can’t really be mad at the affair partner because “they didn’t OWE you anythinggggg!” People LOVE to say that when you’ve been the victim of an affair. Like it’s supposed to make you feel better. Au contraire my friends, au contraire. There’s enough anger to go around.
As Ce-Lo Green says “Fuck you, and, fuck her too!”
Total nonsense that the OW/OM doesn’t deserve some blame; if they thought what they were doing was right, they wouldn’t have the affair in secret.
Worried, I agree totally with CL and what previous chumps have said. I’ll just add that I wish I had a big brother to kneecap the traitor and the whore, a big brother to stick up for me, a loving family to defend me. That’s your job. Be her knights in shining armour.
I hate it when people say well the AP doesn’t owe the chump anything the cheating spouse does or if it hadn’t been this particular AP it would have been another AP blowing up the marriage and family. Such BS… both the cheater and AP are 100% culpable.
Most cheaters go from one OW to the next even once the wife finds out. So when his wife asks if he has heard from his ex AP, he can honestly say no, even though he started a new affair with a new OW weeks after ending with the OW his wife found out about. So it really is that “if it wouldn’t have been her, it would have been someone else”. You would be surprised how true “once a cheater, always a cheater” is.
I also would love to know the outcome of this story. Is there some way, CL, that CN can (in time) find out what happened with this poor Chump? Hopefully, with the support of her family she’ll get rid of him. But, she may well spackle (as we all have) being in the vulnerable position she is (pregnant and with a toddler). Ooooh, I really hope she’s strong enough to turf the cheater. Hope she quickly latches on to CLand CN for support
Worried SIL
Sorry you have been put in this tough spot without your consent. However it is the right thing to tell your sister-in-law immediately.
Please direct her here, there are ( unfortunately ) many women on this form who found out they were cheated on while being pregnant. There also are many women here who left their husbands during their pregnancies.
Also don’t give the cheater any kind of warning. Maybe make a safe, comfortable space in your home for her to come stay with you for a while.
Worried my heart goes out to you, your husband and your SIL. Chump lady is the right place to be and chump lady’s advice is spot on. Please do tell her but be prepared for a difficult time. I just about lost my mind for a while after I found out. I did think about reconciliation for about two months but then filed for divorce because of what I read here. As time passes I am aware that this was quick and has saved me from months or years of further trauma. Your SIL will be hurt like never before and really it will be bad but there is a way out and it is a clear way with a healthy outcome. Divorce is painful but living with a cheat is a living nightmare that is much much worse.
She is very lucky to have you both in her corner. That will make her journey a little less painful.
I wish you all the very best of luck.
Please tell her as soon as possible. The longer you leave it the worse it will be. She needs people she can trust and depend on now, however she seems after you have disclosed this.
CL’s book and archived posts are all invaluable. Maybe order the book today so you can be forewarned of cheater tactics when they are caught. It is wise to start her keeping financial information and looking for evidence. You can be her clear thinking mind as she goes into shock when she finds out. Being there for her now will be one of the best things you have ever done for anyone. Find your anger and get going.
Huge hugs to you. ❤️
Not only is Capricorn correct, but as SIL is pregnant, she’s in a very vulnerable frame of mind (or at least I was during my pregnancies.) If she’s like me, she’ll probably be too emotionally fragile to handle all that’s going on. Honestly, I think women are made that way in order to ensure the continuation of the species! As she is pregnant, she will need you with her every step of the way, every day. That’s going to be hard on you, especially as you may get frustrated with SIL as she wobbles between believing you and wanting to believe in her POS husband, but by staying the course with her every day, for months on end until after the baby is born, and for months after she’s divorced and has her head back together, you will really be showing her the depth of your love.
and it will be especially hard on her to take action as she is pregnant with his child – if she loves him and it sounds like she does it will be EXTREMELY hard for her to take away the baby’s daddy – while we know that she’s not that he is the one that caused it by the actions he has engaged in – it will be hard for her to see it- you need to emphasize that any man that could do that to his pregnant wife who just recovered from a miscarriage is already showing he is lacking in the fatherhood dept – what kind of true father does that???? NONE don’t be surprised though if she doesn’t have the fortitude to end things – being pregnant and dealing with all this is VERY hard. As Amazon chump said above just be there and help as much as you can. She may buy into his bs at first but don’t get discouraged and if they do reconcile and try to make you think you’re the bad guy – UH NO he was and this is ALL his fault.
Yes Cap is right please order her the book.
Also try to help her understand the importance of keeping BIL in the dark about her newfound knowledge so she can get ducks in row.
How would you best recommend her to do that regarding keeping him in the dark? What ducks does she need to get in a row? She’s a naturally emotionally driven person plus adding in all the pregnancy hormones I am not sure if she’ll be able to hold all that in to be able to get everything together that she needs to. Is there anything I can do in advance to help her with that? Clearly this is an entirely new (dark, horrifying) world to us. Thank you!
Copy/scan all financial records; print outs of bank statements, credit card statements, tax returns. She should run a credit check on both her & Husband before confronting as that will turn up hidden bank accounts, etc.
I posted this up thread, but wanted add to the conversation here.
I think the hardest part would be having knowledge of this and not confronting her husband. If SIL can come to her armed with a plan, even if you can get her to consider taking steps to protect herself before Cheater knowe, she will have the upper hand. It could be greatly empowering for her. I wish I had done that..
Its my understanding that if she has meetings with several of the best Pit Bull Attys around, giving them information that would constitute Atty/Client Privilege, this would prevent the Cheater from being able to retain any of them later, giving her legal advantage.
She can take half the money out of checking/savings, etc. and put in in her own account. She can start getting cash back at the grocery store, and start a safety net fund.
She should definately get all her ducks in a row before Cheater knows he’s busted. Most of us Chumps think we can “fix it” and waste many decades of our lives before divorcing. Ask me how I know. I pray for her to have the courage to get out as fast as she can. These types cannot change.
Keeping the Cheater in the dark is a good idea. Be aware that your SIL will be emotionally paralyzed for a long while. Make plans to help her see a lawyer. Get her to her OB so they can run any necessary tests and I found it invaluable to create a notebook for my lawyer with a timeline and all the evidence of the affair I had found. Help her copy ALL financial records also. She may balk at taking these measures, but I assure you that she will need all these things down the road to freedom from this incredible jerk! It’s an awful thought to entertain, but could her previous miscarriage have been caused by an STD from Prince Dirtbag and the OW? Worth checking out to protect her and the health of her baby.
+1, and remove him from her life insurance, remove him as next of kin, cancel any EPA he may have. This scumbag should have absolutely no say in what happens to her healthwise. Take half of all joint savings if any and put them in her own account, before confronting him. Remind her she is doing all this for her child and her unborn baby, so they are not robbed by the cheater and the OW of what is rightfully theirs. First and foremost now, she must be mamma bear defending her cubs and he and the OW are the dangerous predators.
The amazing thing is that before this happened to me and before I did so much reading on this,I would have thought Tempest’s advice was over the top.
But, now that I know as much as I do about cheaters and their behaviors, I agree. there is a high likelihood that this guy has ben engaged in all types of crap, hiding money, depleting resources, secret accounts etc.
Even if they’re not hiding money (and many are), having the financial records can seriously impact one’s settlement. Because my cheater thought his going to a hotel was temporary, I had all the financial records at my disposal. He claimed to have had much more in his retirement account at the beginning of the marriage, and claimed to have much less in retirement than he actually had at time of divorce. Every time he argued with me, I would simply reply “see p. 3 of the document; see p. 5 of the supporting evidence file.” Copying all that data was worth many thousand dollars in our community property state.
+1000! Get every financial you can find PLUS a credit check on him and yourself! I found out mine had an account that supplied OW with a credit card. Later found out bank documents listed her as his “wife”!
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. All of it. Ask me how I know. And he was Mr. Wonderful to EVERYONE!!
It it stunning. Again, come here for support as well.
Hi SIL, you will be doing her a great service by telling her. Like Cap says, life with a cheat is a living nightmare. And CL is right – your SIL and her unborn baby are potentially being exposed to STDs. She needs to know the truth.
Regarding ducks in a row, in my opinion this is a tough one unless you are really in the right frame of mind to get angry and ballsy enough to get mighty. Because, upon discovery, chumps are too distraught and trying to understand WTF just happened?! Not focusing on what needs to done legally. I know I was a mess, and it took me a few weeks of WTF before I moved to the uppity/pissed off stage and then started to line up ducks, slowly. Your SIL will no doubt be devastated, shocked, in disbelief, upset for some time before she’ll be able to pull herself together and do what she has to do to protect herself legally and financially.
Perhaps you and your husband could look into the proper legal steps she’ll need to take to remove herself from him. (in your state/country regarding kicking him out of the house). So you have the info ready for her. Once she’s digested what’s been going on behind her back with assface OW, she’ll need guidance and help to steer her in the right direction. Help find her a good lawyer!! She’ll need loads of advice and info on what she can do next.
I hope your SIL is going to be strong enough to face all of this, pregnant! But she has you and her brother to help along the way. Support her as much as you can, and for a long time. Her recovery will no doubt be long.
I actually cried when I read this. I’m six months out and have not been triggered for a while but this hit me so hard. I think I remember how happy I was before the day I found out and how hard finding out was and much there was to find. I wish I had had someone like you on my side. Would have made the world of difference.
Yes, I think give her an out, as in, a safe, secure place to come and stay with her 2 year old for a while, because she is a SAHM, a pregnant one, who will probably have somewhat limited options re housing / income. She may choose to get herself tested, line up her ducks, do some digging of her own and then BAM hit him with a lawyer. You can help her do that. And definitely do not tell BIL what you know.
Thank you! The thought NEVER crossed my mind about STDS or her needing to be tested. Ugh it’s like sucky stuff on top of sucky stuff here.
We are an extremely close family. Like he will have to leave town b/c our family is so huge and we live in a smaller community. Not only will she have comfort and an always open door in our home but also in the home of my other SIL and her parents (and grandparents and aunts and uncles). She’s blessed with a HUGE network of support through this. We will all hurt together and be there to lift her up.
Yes. I made mine leave. I wasn’t going anywhere. Even though we are farming and he is the primary farmer these days and I now work off farm. But I was not leaving my home. My kids’ home. And get her tested, SIL. I loved this man very, very deeply for 29 years. He was so embarrassed at what he’d done. And deeply remorseful. He swore, however (the affair was ended by him some time before I discovered it) that his AP was ‘clean’ (WTF???) But admitted he had not used condoms. I got tested. One man ever in my body. And in my 40s, with three teens and young adults we had hammered home safe sex messages to, I sat in a clinic, in silent tears, as I was tested. Then more tears when I discovered they had imparted two diseases, one of which has lifelong implications and causes me to be monitored six monthly. I have endured three very invasive procedures due to cervical cancer caused by the HPV they gave me. This is love. Apparently. Ain’t it grand?
STDs are so scary. My ex had one affair while I was still breastfeeding our baby, I was terrified about HIV and hepatitis for the baby once I found out. The awful thing is, it hadn’t even occurred to ex about any harm he may have caused, he really had no idea at all. Luckily for me and bubs we were okay.
You’re in a dreadful situation SIL, I hope you and your husband can find a way to tell and support your sister-in-law through this. Hugs.
Isn’t it infuriating? My ex was enraged when I made a comment that I would have to get an STI check.
“How DARE you suggest that my girlfriend has a sexually transmitted disease!” he roared. Being so devout it seems she refused to use condoms!
I’m so glad to hear that she will have such a strong, loving support network in your family. That is a blessing. She’ll have one here as well.
This is a great option. Provide her with the option to stay with you while she gets her ducks lined up. There are many many many chumps who have been isolated geographically from close friends and family. The shock of what she is going to hear will be tremendous. BE the place where she came come ‘home’ to until she can find a workable living arrangement.
TELL. So your friend can make informed decisions about the most important issues in her life. Her cheating husband caused a filthy–potentially toxic–mess. “Sunlight is the best disinfectant.”
It will be embarrassing and hard to hear, but oh my gosh do I wish I would have found out about my husband’s issues from a friend. Especially someone how could hold me in their arms and let me cry. I didn’t, I discovered his porn and then had to deal with the trickle truth of the online emotional affairs that finally let up to him getting serviced at a massage parlor – oh, and creating online profiles on local hook-up sites.
Literally, the only one I had to comfort me was my husband, and I think that is the reason I am feeling stuck and unable to follow-through with what I know for a fact needs to be done. Having someone who loved me, someone I could turn to, someone who knew and didn’t laugh at me or blamed me, but held me and let me know that I was going to be okay and they were going to help me be okay – I know that would have made all the difference in the world.
By this time, I could have been on the other side of this issue, making my way into the sun of recovery.
Please, please tell her – then hold her, and reassure her, and love her, and comfort her. Her toddler as well, hold them and give them lots of love. Pat her belly and let her and the baby growing inside know they will not be alone, you will be there.
You could be giving her the greatest most amazing gift.
So, so true. This.
Thank you for this. It made me cry just thinking about the pain she’s endured already with the difficult miscarriage and how much this news will crush her. I totally agree. She adores her brother (my husband) and I have talked to him about being the one to go to her so he can hold her and cry with her. Your last sentence is exactly what I needed to hear. Knowledge is a gift, even though sometimes it’s a painful one. So sorry for what you experienced and that you were alone through it.
Worried SIL, please don’t leave this to your brother alone. Go with him. Strength in numbers. She might be much more comfortable crying to you.
Being such a close family we thought maybe my husband (her brother) and her father may be best? We were thinking I’d go to her after they told her to talk then so I’m not part of the harsh reality news but can be there to offer that instant support?
There is no “best.” This is going to suck no matter who tells her.
Consider you and her brother telling her first, for two reasons.
1. He is friends with the mutual friend who confirmed his suspicions and he saw them at the hotel, so he has to be there.
2. By telling her together you are showing her that BOTH of you love and support her completely. If she needs a place to stay it will feel that much more welcoming to know you personally want her there, not that you are okay with it because her brother offered.
Ugh the panic attack thing, I’m so glad that was mentioned. She had one not too long ago over the pregnancy and I do need to look into that as she will surely have one when she gets this news too.
I fully think my husband must be the one to talk to her directly b/c he is the one most involved (heard from the mutual friend, had his own suspicions, is best friends with BIL, saw the vehicles himself etc). She will most likely want to stay with her parents. She stays with them regularly when her husband travels but has stayed here too. We will for sure make sure she knows we’re here. Husband has already told me we need to figure out how to help her financially too if needed. We can’t control what BIL has done but we will surely help make sure she suffers as little as possible from him anymore!
Worried SIL,
I have been in a similar situation recently and informed my spouse’s latest lover’s spouse what had been going on with our spouse’s. I have a business relationship with this person and not personal but it was a very difficult conversation. I informed the spouse of what I knew for sure, provided the evidence for what I knew, told them how sorry I was, told them I would be of any help that I could and told this person that based on personal experience I would recommend taking some time to think about things, talk to a lawyer to know their options and protect themselves before confronting or doing anything. And then I told them I was available anytime to help or answer more questions. It will take days to process things and go through the “wait a minute, I did have a bad feeling that day” process for the last year. I don’t know the relationship to recommend who should tell, but make it as safe as possible. If she gets upset in the moment, let it go, be prepared to love her through any reaction. I know how tough this conversation is going to be and I’m sorry, but it’s the right thing to do. And unlike our cheaters, we need to endure the difficulty and uncomfortableness of doing the right thing.
Yeah, so he “travels” for work, eh….? This guy is experienced.
…satan is a ‘travelling’ salesman…yep…cliche much satan…ugh…
That is a good thought-there will be a lot of shock and humiliation. I suggest reading up on how to support people through a panic attack.
My ex was fucking our SIL.
Her cheater sounds a lot like mine-so remember this-anyone who can shit that close to their own doorstep,is DANGEROUSLY self centered-as demonstrated.
Good luck. The right thing is not always the easy thing..
Yes, and, most likely experienced in this realm, such that eventually, he became confident enough to bring it so close to home with a family friend. I bet he is well practiced in this and thought that since he had gotten away with it so easily before, he was now adept enough to start closer to home.
This shit does not just rear its head, suddenly, years into the relationship. I have found that if you look closely into the lives of cheaters, they have a long standing pattern of dishonesty in the fidelity area and other areas of their lives.
This was exactly my experience Arnold. …people literally came out of the woodwork to relate horror stories to me that stretched back over my entire 36 year relationship with satan… I had to start checkin people at the door…I didn’t want to hear any more…too much, and much, much too late.
I was cheated on during all but my first pregnancy… He even started a new affair immediately after I suffered a horrific miscarriage. He just didn’t care about the consequences. He still doesn’t.
Most recently, STBXH moved in with a woman from the internet who less than a month later claimed she miscarried my husband’s baby… Then two months later absentee father STBXH informed me he was moving our three very small children into this woman’s new home to live with them on the weekends. They had been having this affair / relationship for three months. I told him he was never relocating our children antld sued him for custody. I was granted primary physical custody. STBXH has 7 hours of visitation per week with his parents there to help supervisor. We had a second custody hearing recently. STBXH did not attend.
Horrible people do horrible things. There is no nicer way to put it.
So pleased for you that you got justice in the custody agreement and can keep your kids away from that toxic waste!
Please tell her for her baby’s and her health and safety. Even if she can’t wrap her head around leaving and attempts reconciliation she might have the guts to voice some concerns to her ob-gyn. And believe you me if I had my brother and his wife telling me x was a lying cheating POS while I was pregnant I would have been so gone! I trust my brother (why on God’s green earth would my family want to cave my world in and end my marriage unless they had my back!!!) Unfortunately I was isolated from my family and nobody figured out what was going on. In hindsight we can all see some of the “red flags”. Don’t sit back and wait for her to figure it out on her own. SIL is dealing with pregnancy hormones, a previous miscarriage trauma, raising a two year old and most probably shitty asinine behaviour from your BIL.
YES. This is SPOT ON.
He’s been a complete and total jerk to her for well over a year. She grieved her miscarriage completely alone (well she had all her family, but not her husband). The trauma from losing that baby (she was in the 2nd trimester) has been so, so difficult and she’s literally walking in fear for this current pregnancy. I never even thought about STDs until today and reading all of this now has me concerned that his cheating could have caused the miscarriage.
That’s what I told my husband. I think if he goes to her and shares with her everything he knows she will be devastated but so thankful it’s coming from him. She knows he would only have her best interest at heart. My husband and I see TONS of flags now that we know so I’m sure she will see them quickly as well and that she already has suspicions. My prayer is that she takes this opportunity to get out and be able to find a man who will truly love her, appreciate her and adore her like she deserves. I’m so sorry you went through such a tough experience without family and I’m thankful we’re able to be here for her during such an unimaginable time of pain.
The not knowing why your husband is treating u like shit is aweful! I kept asking my H, if he was cheating with Mrs Thing, and he kept denying it . I remember saying,”I’m not crazy,” but I felt like I was and kept trying to believe his lies. That’s what she feels if she’s already suspecting. It’s going to hurt to find out, but she’ll get relieved to know she’s “not crazy.” Just give her love, and no matter if she believes you at the time , when it does come out, she’ll know you were on her side.
Yes, the mistreatment is part and parcel of the cheating. I bet many of us went through it and it is crazy making. We all have stories about the shit our cheaters were throwing at us and the mind fuck for a long time before we found out.
Fuck these assholes.
My XW was brutally emotionally abusive.
I’m sure I read this on CL, but can’t remember who posted it:
God grant us the wisdom to see clearly when the ones we love and trust throw shit in our eyes, so we can’t see them bring the shovel down on our heads. Amen
All good advise, but I’d like to suggest talking to an attorney before encouraging her to come stay with you. In some states leaving the marital home can be claimed as abandonment. Obviously the short term emotional benefit is important, but the long term ramifications can be used against her.
Although most are advising to do it today, if you really want to be her support, I’d say consult with an attorney today so you can present her with all her options, both emotional and legal. Her mind will be spinning and she will not be thinking clearly, and most likely not in her best interest, but in the interest of saving her marriage.
Maybe others can chime in on specific questions to ask an attourney. Here are a few I think might be helpful.
1) what are the ramifications of leaving the family home?
2) Is there a benefit to being the first to file for divorce (state dependent)
3) given the nature of the situation, can she file immediately for exclusive possession and have him leave the home?
4) Because she is a SAHM how quickly can an order for temporary maintenance Be filed?
Yes, the advice of an attorney prior to your SIL confronting her cheater is important! ABSOLUTELY have the paperwork ready for temporary maintenance. This will hopefully trigger a “freeze” on him liquidating any assets or changing any beneficiaries. It did in my state!
Great points. Thanks.
Although, I would also add, with the backing of the family and a looming brother, I would ask the ass-wipe to leave the premises immediately.
I also don’t think it’s likely that the poor woman can keep the affair knowledge secret while she lines up ducks. Perhaps, but that’s asking an awful lot. I’d lawyer up ASAP, and ask the jerk to go. If he wants to reconcile, he can sign a post-nup, run a credit report, and do all the Real Remorse things that 99.9 percent of cheaters can’t/won’t do.
Lawyer here, but not family law. The abandonment thing may be overstated a bit in an infidelity situation ( although leaving the kids behind may be a “whole nother smoke”).
If she needs to leave, make sure to take the toddler.
I cannot believe that any judge would consider just leaving the house, kids in hand, any form of abandonment. But, could not hurt to check with a lawyer.
YES. We have SO MUCH family in this small town and he’s not from here that I’m pretty confident he will skip out as fast as he can. Especially with OW also being a very well known family in the community. I can’t see her keeping it a secret either. No one in my husbands side of the family has ever faced anything like this and we are all clueless regarding lawyers etc and what all is even involved in a divorce situation.
Got-a-Brain and Chump Lady are right. Find out what needs to be done in your state for her to retain the home and get full custody of her children. Have that information on hand before you talk to her. You may get some idea by going to http://www.divorcesource.com/ds/main/state-divorce-laws-656.shtml
“Ducks in a Row”;
Credit Report (for any unknown credit cards, etc.)
Sever financial dealings. Establish a personal checking/savings account, take one-half of the funds in any accounts and put it in your own account.
Find any papers regarding retirement or 401K accounts.
Get any official paperwork such as birth certificates (including his), auto titles, etc.
Put all of this in a safe place where he cannot access it. She will need this for future dealings.
Talk to an attorney.
Talk to OB-Gyn re: potential health problems. Get tested for STDs.
We’ll be here for her.
Worried
There is a chance she already suspects something. Men who cheat on a pregnant wife are usually serial cheaters.
She has a right to know the truth regardless of the outcome. I suspected something when I was pregnant with my second child. I found the love letters after my child was born. They both denied it despite the proof. He brought her to the hospital and to my home.
Later I found out she was also pregnant when he was cheating. TELL HER so she can protect herself and her unborn child.
She will need a strong support system. Let her know you will be there. I stayed. I had no support system thirty four years ago. He never stopped cheating.
There is no way to control the outcome. Having a support system makes a huge difference. Protecting her is the best choice.
I went back into therapy yesterday after a year and a half “break.” I am stuck. But my take away from yesterday is that sex addicts, for lack of a better label, and serial cheaters are also Narcissists. Educate yourselves as well on this personality disorder. This will play significantly into the journey ahead for all of you. Hugs to you all and come here. It saved me from going back.
Exactly. PD = cheater.
Check out the site:
saferelationshipsmagazine.com
for education, resources and help for victoms of pathological love relationships.
Can anyone tell me how to make that a live link?
Hi Chump Change 🙂
Just copy and paste it.
http://saferelationships.com/
Thanks JeepTess!
Welcome! 🙂
I will def steer her to this site when the time comes. My mother is a narcissist. It’s extremely difficult dealing with such people and I hate that she’s married to one 🙁
I do worry she will stay. We are all very conservative Christians. While I HATE this is how it all has to be, I’m thankful that it is such a cut and dry situation. He’s cheated. She has an out. I just pray she takes it and that she can move on with her life with her precious babies. He’s been so distant, cold and rude to her that I do think when confronted he may want out and may not even want to stay.
Worried,
Your SIL is very blessed to have you as a friend and family member. Because you self-identified as a conservative Christian (and assuming your SIL is too), I recommend the blog “A Cry For Justice” at cryingoutforjustice.com. It has a loving, compassionate, Christian perspective for women who find themselves in marriages to abusers (including adulterers). A lot of conservative churches and their leadership currently frown on divorce for any reason, and put the betrayed spouse under extreme pressure to save the marriage at all costs, even if it means suffering ongoing abuse. This site does NOT perpetuate that. Instead, their goal is to “educate people to the abuser’s mentality and tactics, teach what scripture really says about abuse, marriage, and divorce, recommend resources for further help, provide a safe environment for victims of domestic abuse to be encouraged, validated, and believed.”
And as already suggested, Divorce Minister is also an excellent resource.
Check out Divorce Minister on the conservative Christian POV here. Great support there too.
The bible only permits divorce if the WIFE commits adultery. And in most cases… including the new testament a divorced woman can not remarry as she will always be considered to be committing adultry if not with her first husband.
The Catholic Church will not permit remarriage in the church unless the first marriage is annulled because of how the bible views divorce.
A god that would require a person remain with an abusive spouse (as adultery is a form of abuse) or to simply remain tied to this person is not worthy of worship but of scorn.
Wrong. The Catholic church’s rules for dissolution of a marriage are the same for both men and women. The woman in this case can get a civil divorce and then seek an annulment. The Catholic church does NOT require that an abused person stay with his/her abuser.
Absolutely wrong but common interpretation. Please check out divorce minister. He explains it clearly. God hates adultery.
Divorce Minister is great.
Tell her now!!!
There is no “right time” to hear about an affair. I bet every single Chump on here can tell you how learning about the affair when they did was not convenient, or even unhealthy. That’s called life. When it rains…
When would be a better time to find out the father of your unborn baby is cheating? After you’ve had the baby and are juggling the lack of sleep and total rearrangement of your life caused by a newborn? When you may be suffering from postpartum depression? When piece of shit husband is out betraying not only his wife, but his child? When he starts blaming the child for his cheating?
Keeping this news from your SIL is manipulative. I don’t care if you have the best of intentions: you are manipulating her so she feels and acts without knowledge available to you, your husband, her husband, and even that coworker (and the OW, too!)
And given all of these people know, it’s possible others do, as well. Whom has the OW told?
How many more people have to know about this before you think it’s acceptable to tell your SIL? Don’t be part of the group that is making a fool of her. Tell her!!!
I told something very similar to my husband. The longer we know and she doesn’t we are basically keeping a secret for BIL. I’m glad everyone here seems to think we know enough to go ahead and confront it. I see her literally daily and talk constantly. I can’t keep looking at her growing belly and know what crap he’s pulling. My biggest thing has ALWAYS been “don’t make a fool out of me” I can’t stand when I’m the “last to know” something. There are a LOT of painful things about this entire situation but that one is a big one that I know she will feel and the sooner she knows the better. Thank you!
Worried–
My BIL ( brother of stbx) and SIL knew. I thought we were close. My stbx also cheated during my pregnancies. BIL and SIL didn’t tell me. I felt betrayed and manipulated by them when I put the pieces together. I wish they had told me. I told them I was angry they kept it from me. I know stbx put his brother in a tough spot and his brother made the choice to protect himself and his relationship with stbx over me and my children. And I now see that as moral weakness, confusion (who expects to be burdened with your favorite person’s crappiest secret) rather than malice, but I can’t be close to them anymore. They’ve never apologized for not telling me. Your BIL is not the danger to your relationship with SIL–your not telling her is. And forget the anonymous approach. Just play that out a couple of steps and you will see yourself perpetrating a deception against her to keep your anonymity. You have to keep a secret from her forever and hope she doesn’t discover you were the anonymous source. And if she does discover it, it will feel like a betrayal to her.
There have been so many good suggestions and ideas and support from CN on this thread. You and your husband are on the path to helping your SIL in a way that many of us chumps wish we could have had. You can help her and walk beside her…but I agree with CL–let go of the outcome. Give her the space and support to find her own way.
Raising hand – I am one that blew the kneecaps off my messenger.
I absolutely refused to believe ‘the rumor’ because this ‘casual g/f’ didn’t have any proof whatsoever, and she was kind of a weirdo and I didn’t like her. Her delivery was drunk and awful and I thought she was trying to ruin OUR status in our small community.
So, it certainly depends on who the messenger is.
In my case, I thought she had an ulterior motive and I wondered why her and her husband didn’t confront my X instead of me about this rumor they heard. Anyway, it was all very wrong. And the rumor turned out to be wrong. The truth was completely different and much more devastating as I found his affair quite by accident months later. The rumor involved a completely different woman, so I don’t know what’s true with her or what. Somebody here mentioned….where there’s smoke, there’s fire. How true that is and it is no rumor.
However, when somebody is as close to you as your SIL is, and you have proof – sure, she might deny it and be angry at you out of the shoot, but it makes a big difference if you are close to the situation WITH proof, even if they are unfocused photos. She WILL believe you eventually. Just be prepared for her to be really really angry….or possibly in shock, especially if she’s prone to panic attacks. But, she will definitely be really sad. None of this will be aimed at you, I have no question but she will probably vent very much to you. Be prepared for a great deal of anger.
I know my very close family would tell me if they knew, but they don’t live close enough.
She is blessed to have such a caring SIL and brother!
She’ll be very grateful eventually.
Maybe in time, she’ll find herself here at this site – or maybe, maybe you could show her this complete thread.
Best of luck, sweetie.
You’re welcome. I didn’t mean to be (too) harsh. It’s just that everyone here has been trough it, and we all wish we knew sooner.
She very likely won’t believe you, or even “shoot the messenger.” I know I was in denial when I first got hints and clues, and even when I had firm evidence.
Telling your SIL *starts* the process of her accepting it. It’s a beginning, not and end.
Good luck! You are doing the right thing.
Wow. Aloha and so many others. I’m just shaking my damn head at how some people can be so cold and cruel and abandon their kids and families and do it all by choice.
Like Aloha says horrible people do horrible things. Still. Just wow.
Sorry I haven’t had time to read the previous comments, but I’ll come back later.
As a chump who was cheated on while she was pregnant. My ex not only had some type of affair with a ho-worker while I was pregnant. He also went to Canada over ten times and got 100% naked lap dances from strippers. When I found out he said there was “no touching.” That was another of the 100’s of lies he’s told me for 25 years. Some chump her at CN told me that in Canada there absolutely was touching and you could even get bj’s and sex for extra money in the “back rooms.” I confirmed all this with a male friend I have here and he said there was absolutely touching anything and everything. Plus bj’s and sex to boot.
My ex had all the signs of someone who was having an affair when I was pregnant. He turned from nice husband into mean, cold, verbally abusive husband. I suspected he was having an affair, but could never prove it. I would have done ANYTHING to find out that he was. I even thought of hiring a private investigator, but I was a SAHM at the time with no money of just my own to spend. My ex not only committed adultery. But he put my health and our daughters health in jeopardy.
Please tell this woman the truth! She deserves to know.
Yes this is how BIL has been too. TOTAL nice guy. Like literally EVERYONE likes him. And he’s just become a total jerk to her. Even through the miscarriage.
Worried SIL,
Everyone loved my ex. Nicest guy in the world. No one believed he was capable of abandoning his wife and 2 babies in diapers bodily and financially, least of all me. But the last year or so of our marriage, and especially right before the discard, he would be a dick for no reason which I thought was completely out of character. What Chump Nation has helped me to see is that those things weren’t out of character, they were the revelation of his ACTUAL character. These disordered human beings wear a nice-guy mask, sometimes for years, and they wear it very well. But when they don’t have the energy to keep up the facade anymore and it slips off, make no mistake, it’s not that your sweet husband must have a brain tumor or something to be acting so horribly, it’s just that the REAL Slim Shady has finally stood up.
Believe me, if he can be a dick your sister in law when she’s just miscarried his child, imagine how he will be when he learns that he’s losing his narcissistic supply (his wife), his home, access to his children, access to his unborn child’s birth, an annihilation of his ‘great reputation’, public humiliation, and half of all of his money, retirement, and everything he owns. He will probably lie, scheme, manipulate, and gaslight her with every tactic he’s got to stop all that from happening. He will throw you, your family, your dog, EVERYONE under the bus to try to stop her from leaving. I pray, in her vulnerable state, that she will not buy any of it. I pray she will be able to draw firm boundaries when she is in so much pain. That’s where you guys having her back will be absolutely invaluable, because she will very much want to believe the lie when the truth sucks so hard.
If she does stand firm, she will begin to see a VERY different person revealed in him than she believed existed. It’s a terrible, awful feeling to realize you’ve been married to that person all along, and it may take her years to come to terms with it. That’s why all the chumps here keep saying to direct her here. This site is a unicorn – a life-saving, truth-revealing unicorn. There’s nothing else like it online, or anywhere. Best to you and your family getting through this. We’re in your corner.
I’m so sorry you SIL is going through this. She’s lucky to have you, your husband and your close family. As Chump Lady stated above, Divorce Minister’s blog is great too. And I just had this thought — if he’s acting like a total jerk to her during a miscarriage and pregnancy. She might already have feelings something is going on. I did. My now ex pulled something very similar when we were dating. I think he met someone he liked at a two week long training program for his new job. He went from loving boyfriend, to mean jerk overnight. Same when I was pregnant. Same when he finally discarded me for the current ho. So maybe it won’t be as big a surprise as you might believe? Please keep us informed as to how this all plays out. Your poor SIL. 🙁 Cheaters suck.
How I wish I had been told during my first pregnancy. That’s when he claims the firstborn affair happened. And his justification for it? “You were pregnant and we weren’t having enough sex”. Wow, just wow.
If I had learnedly of it then it would have saved me, and my kids, 21 more years of emotional abuse. Giving me a chance to move on, find a better life and maybe a healthy relationship. Though staying I did end up with 3 terrific kids that I don’t regret. But, God, if I’d only known, how much different and better my life could have been.
Please tell your SIL. Help her get the legal, emotional and physical help she is going to need. Don’t let her stay in the dark. To find out later that others knew and said nothing is humiliating and infuriating.
SIL is young, beautiful and has her whole life ahead of her. We are all very conservative Christians but even God’s word says clear as day that adultery is a time when divorce is okay in the eyes of the Lord. I HATE she’s experiencing this and the pain it will cause but I love her so much that I’m honored to carry this cross for her and with her and to be able to shed light on all of this so she CAN get out and get the happy ending she truly deserves. When my husband told me last week about all of this my first thought was how humiliated she will be. Especially because we do have interactions with OW on a decently regular basis. I’m thankful her big drs appointment for the baby is this coming week (she lost the other baby during second trimester and it was at this same visit where they couldn’t find the heartbeat) so we can get this all out in the open so soon. Thank you for your insight and help!
Worried
Who was the one who put the one year time line on the affair?
You can help her by not letting her be humiliated. She has done nothing wrong and has nothing to feel ashamed about. He is the one who should carry the full weight of the shame. Don’t keep his secret and encourage her not to keep it. It’s my experience that telling the truth will bring her support and keep the shame and humiliation where it belongs, on the cheater.
Agree 100% with this-the shame is all his. I carried the burden of shame “what did I do to cause this” as well as “what can I do to fix this” in my super-dysfunctional marriage. Show her the full strength of your love and support until your SIL can accept this truth. My mind-set did shift eventually; I was a loving wife doing everything I could to work on my marriage. My disordered, lying, narcissistic ex is the one who chose to cheat because it’s what he wanted.
Sending you and your SIL loving thoughts.
The shame is all his and the OWs, not your SIL or the rest of your family, especially if you tell her the truth. Cut the poison out of your lovely family.
This is wonderful advice. He’s the humiliated fool, not her. The shame and embarrassment and humiliation I felt made me so lonely and isolated. I didn’t gave anyone telling me I wasn’t to blame.
I just survived this. My baby is 9 months old. It was horrible. The emotional pain is at times beyond unbearable. However, looking at what could have been, and hearing stories of people who had serial cheaters, I am so glad I left when I did. Tell her what is happening, help her get her ducks in a row financially as well as materials. Get her on here and take her into your home. She is going to need so much help to make it through the next year or so, buckle down and be there for her.
She is very lucky to have someone like you, and she clearly has a lot of people who love her. And that’s what she’s going to need. She is going to need all of you to support her through everything, and it will be along road.
Please tell her. People knew of my husband’s affair for months, and didn’t tell me. I was also pregnant. I miscarried before I found out, but to know my husband was having sex with someone else (actually, several people, but one main “love of his life”) while he was talking to my belly saying “hi baby, this is your daddy” and telling me he loved me still makes me want to throw up. Signs were there, but I ignored them because I didn’t necessarily realize at the time they were signs. If someone had told me, it would have made me feel like I wasn’t crazy. And don’t be so sure she doesn’t suspect things already.
She needs to know. You clearly adore her, and as incredibly difficult a situation you and your husband are now being put in knowing this information, out of that love for her please tell her. His affair is not only going to affect her, it is going to affect all of you, and you need to be there for each other.
I am so sorry for everything you have been through.
Thank you for your kind, supporting words. I do think she has suspicions. Their marriage has been in a bad place for a long time (he’s not the cheater who buys flowers and is overly sweet…he’s the one that’s become massive jerk to her).
I do adore her so much and she’s my “person.” My heart is broken for her and I am eager to let this all out in the open as even though it’s going to be so painful for so many, I know it’ll allow her to find the true love and happiness she deserves.
Thank you, Worried….I very much appreciate that. And you are so very welcome…happy to try to help. So very sorry for what you all will be going through…
Male Serial cheaters often start when their wife is pregnant. This is not a trend that is going to stop. BIL will continue to cheat and expose SIL to diseases throughout their marriage, IMHO.
“Character people. Its called character.” That is exactly right, NWBiblio. You know, I am not an advocate of violence, but immediately after informing SIL, someone needs to take BIL out back of the woodshed and knock some sense into him. What kind of cold, heartless bastard would cheat on his wife, even while she is carrying his child? The amount of pain caused to everyone involved just so he can get his jollies on occasion is immeasurable. There must be a special place in hell just built for cheaters where it is extra hot just to extinguish their cold hearts.
That’s horrific, Tempest. I do believe I may have enacted my veterinary neutering skills had I been pregnant while XH was cheating. — Also, the statement in the above letter, about how OW is a woman Worried and the SIL have “tried to keep away from their husbands”? What kind of men are these who can’t be trusted around another woman, even if she’s gorgeous and slutty and manipulative? I always said OW should have been able to dance naked in front of XH and he should have simply said, “No, thanks.” I mean, *I* did, when hottie vet tech started making innuendos over the surgery table; I shut him down. AND I was going through a period of extreme sexual frustration in my own marriage at the time. — Character, people. It’s called character.
This! I never saw any red flags, despite knowing the OW was not to be trusted. Because my ex had character. I trusted HIM. Not her. And we appeared to have great communication and shared laughs about her (lack of) character. We talked about this shit. I talked about how I felt about her. He appeared to be on the same page. I sent them away together, with all of our kids, overnight, to meet them the following day after needing to go to the office and sort some work issues before our holiday. Because we had always had a very honest and trusting relationship. After D-day I rummaged through our entire past, all my ‘blind trust’ moments, sure I would discover he was a cheating liar for 25 years. Nope. It appears not. He was trustworthy. Until he wasn’t. Ugh.
I’m now pretty sure Hannibal was cheating on me when I was 6 months pregnant; do you perform post-hoc neutering services ; )?
My X actually admitted that if a woman stripped naked in front of him, he wouldn’t be able to resist screwing her. Red flag #2358–I should have run, as this was consistent with his general poor impulse control.
He’s gonna look so cute in his E-collar!
I have a feeling he will still be able to scratch his stitches. We should bandage his feet as a precaution.Would you like a desexing tattoo in his left ear? probably a bit late to microchip him now….You can drop him off between 8.30 and 10.30, fasting. But it might be best just to surrender him to the Animal Welfare League….
Works for me! Animal Welfare League it is….(they still neuter him, though, right?)
http://www.vashdesigns.com/dog-with-cones-birthday-greeting-card/
Sorry don’t know how to insert the picture, just follow the link I think…
LOL, Kiwichump! (got it to embed)
Thank you, you’re a star!
Please, please, please tell your sister-in-law. My family, both the ex’s entire family and some of my own, knew that the ex had been having multiple affairs for years with multiple women. With the neighbor. With the babysitter.
My own mother knew and encouraged me to take him back for 2 years of additional hell. She knew about the affairs and she knows what a shitty father-if you use the term incredibly loosely-my ex is to my two daughters. I detached from my mother, and she now pays my ex’s attorney bills.
Seriously, please tell her. I wish someone had sat me down and calmly told me facts versus the many times I had to piece together what was going on through what I read in text histories. I could have been much better informed to make a rational decision on what was best for me and my two daughters.
I could be wrong, and CN please back me up on this, but if you have rational irrefutable proof from a reliable 3rd party, like a PI or someone with pictures or who knows, would you trust it more than your own suspicions? I think I would. Plus you would have a built in support system in those that cared enough to tell you the truth.
Also, on a side note, I remember being tested for CMV and coming up positive (and being puzzled as to why) when I was pregnant. CMV isn’t strictly an STI, but it is a virus that has been known to both cause cancers and also causes major complications during pregnancy.
Big hugs!
I am so sorry your mother treated you like this! I hope you now have genuine people around you.
My heart goes out to the people in this situation. What a terrible scenario. One thing that occurred to me was whether it would be possible to check credit card statements to find charges to the hotel on the day the two cars were seen there. Of course, the couple could have payed cash. That would only leave getting ahold of the hotel registry as confirmation. Even so, I can imagine my husband coming up with some explanation about how he was just practicing a presentation for work with his coworker if I had confronted him with this kind of information. He probably would have spun a tale of there being a group of people using the conference room at the hotel.
A couple of times people tried to approach me about my ex’s affairs but they did so anonymously. They only insinuated things and provided no hard evidence. My husband easily explained away these anonymous calls as a disgruntled employee who was trying to get back at him. He even changed our phone number to stop “the harassment.” Having hard evidence makes everything easier.
Agree completely. I will just add that it’s amazing what front desk people will tell you when you are asking about a receipt for tax purposes (or another reasonable-sounding reason) for a stay you had with your husband at their facility. All I needed to tell them was the month for the stay and our last name and they emailed me many, many receipts. Bless their helpfulness.
The web of lies he’s spun already and already has probably planned out are def a concern. I pray she sees through all the BS. I agree that my husband going to her directly will give less room for him to weasel his way out of it. Unfortunately they are a cash only family (Dave Ramsey) so there isn’t anything to track and OW probably is even paying as they are financially better off since she and her husband both work.
You and your brother should take photos of the two of them to the hotel or motel and ask if they have been seen together there before or since.
Cheaters get lazy and I will bet this is wasn’t their first time there.
And, if they always paid cash, I will further bet they are remembered!
CN – she seems to be very. Lose to her family. Should her mom and dad be there to hear the news all at the same time?
Tell the OW’s husband, as well. She is a virtual petri dish of STDs, undoubtedly.
Since he’s already lying to her and, as far as you know, she hasn’t confronted him, she very likely will need lots of reinforcement from her brother, you, and the rest of her family that yes, her husband is cheating. No doubt he’s conditioned her to believe the lies and she may very well want to take the path of least resistance. But being surrounded by other people who can remind her that she’s not crazy, that his lies make no sense, and that he is cheating, will help her face reality.
I had mutual friends who kept the secret of my Ex’s cheating for over a year and the heartbreak that caused almost ended our friendship. I wished they had told me the day they found out. I too was cheated on while pregnant and he begged them to keep the secret “for the baby.” She may not want to hear it, but believe me, she will be thankful you told her.
Ugh I’m so sorry you experienced that! I agree that we need to tell asap. The longer we sit on it the more hurt it’ll cause her. I’m thankful for the timing b/c she IS so close to feeling a lot better about the health of her unborn baby so at least one big fear will be taken off the table before adding another huge one on. This will also give her time before the baby comes to work out a solid plan which I’m also thankful for for her.
It’s just such a sad situation with her being worried about her pregnancy already. I hate her husband for doing this to her.
As part of my affair discovery, I saw texts from my husband to his long time friend with a picture of the ho-worker. I also realized his co-workers all knew, although husband had kept me at some distance from his colleagues once affair started.
I was devastated that “everyone” but me knew and no one had told me – but in reality they were a rather awful bunch (like the bad friends you hope your kids never have) — all up to crazy stuff like strip clubs, dating the interns, partners all had trophy wives, most smoked pot and drank heavily, etc. UGH
If I was your SIL/best friend and found out you and (her brother?) had fairly damaging suspicions you had not shared, it would have crushed me.
DO NOT BETRAY HER along with her cheating husband. Tell.
100% agree with all of this. It’s exactly what I told my husband! If we sit on this then we’re just as bad as BIL b/c we’re basically keeping his secret. I too would feel so so mortified that others knew and didn’t tell me. I know she will feel the same and I hate that for her (I hate ALL of this for her but that feeling of being an idiot really makes my blood boil ESPECIALLY b/c she’s had interactions with OW on several occasions since this has been going on). My husband is her brother and we talked a long time last night and think he will tell her as she looks up to him and coming from him would be best. Thank you for your help!
Why is your husband on the fence at all about telling? Honestly, this worries me. I think you should be there too. If my husband knew one of his sisters husband was cheating on her? It would be all I could do to hold him back from punching the guy in the face.
The fact he’s hesitating and you’re having to convince him — what’s that about?
I’m gonna say what I suspect CL didn’t quite want to say straight out there… because when I read your initial post, SIL, where you said your husband and BIL were good friends… and did you say the even work together?… does that mean they travel together too…??
Must admit my immediate reaction was “Sounds like they’re both cheating.”
Thing that doesn’t make sense about that though is that it sounds like your husband found out first and told you. He didn’t tell you once the third party who knew perhaps confronted BOTH of them, did he, to save his own hide?
I guess I’m just asking: You don’t have any reason to think your husband would be cheating too, do you? You haven’t had any of your own odd/crazy seeming moments? Just checking.
I can’t figure why he would out his friend (except to save himself if the cat was out of the bag, and deflect), if he was cheating also, so don’t take me too seriously… I just had a slight moment in my gut where the hair raised on the back of my neck when you said they are good friends… that’s all. But I’m not there in the situation and don’t know the whole story.
But stranger things have happened… and when you’ve experienced quite a lot of stuff you swore could never happen to you, you start to wonder!
Mine used to come home and tell me all the deviant stuff his friends used to do and claimed he could never understand why anyone would do that sort of stuff. Evidence later proved HE was the one actually doing that deviant stuff. But he was very convincing for a long time as the innocent bystander friend. Until he wasn’t. Just saying.
We had a REALLY bad experience with my mother. Several years ago he confronted her alone regarding issues she had and protecting our children and she went CRAZY on him and then ran his name through the mud with all of her family etc. It’s been a mess and he’s just scared because he got burned so badly from that situation. I think his initial thought was to go the anonymous route because he didn’t want to be the messenger and have her resent him for it. OR have BIL spin lies and be in the middle of it.
The more we’ve talked through it and he’s thought on it he’s come to realize a face to face discussion will be best for her. I do support him in not wanting to go alone though and think either myself or his dad would be great support for HIM in a tough situation too. He feels like he’s crushing her world and even though it’s BIL’s fault, he is just heartbroken to be the one to deliver that news.
And YES he’s dying to punch him in the face haha I’m proud of his maturity in holding back and realizing he can’t let BIL know he knows.
It would be great if your husband’s father could be there to support him as well. It would show the males in her family were trying to protect her. Seems like her father’s presence would lend authority if he’s someone she has a good relationship with.
I agree. My FIL is an INCREDIBLE man of God and was a huge strength for her during her miscarriage. She admires both my husband (her brother) and her father. Their dad is also my husbands very best friend so I think talking it through with him and going together would be comforting for BOTH my SIL as well as my husband. He’s a rock for us all for sure. (and then him and my husband can beat up BIL together haha).
These good men will be playing a very important role in the lives of the children as well!
SIL is very fortunate that her children can count on them to be good examples of men of character/integrity!
Yes, the men in the family need to come through for her. Stand up for male character, not all men are like this and she needs to know that too.
add on to my comment above – it is okay to tell her just facts.
We were told your husband is having an affair.
We saw his car with X’s at the so and so hotel.
It hurts us to have to pass this information along but we do not want you hurt
We will support you in anyway possible
Please let your doctor know
We will help you find a lawyer to understand optoins
We will be here for you 24/7
We will keep everything you share with us confidential
and most important – OUR LOYALTY IS WITH YOU NOT YOUR HUSBAND
Yeah, that’s a very straightforward list. No-nonsense and shows that you have her back 100%.
PERFECT! thank you! We honestly had NO CLUE to even THINK to mention letting her dr know so I’m extremely thankful for that insight
+ we are asking him to leave the house so that you and the kids have space to process this.
Worried SIL,
Three women who worked where I shopped for 30 years told me. …my brother knew, but he never told me…until I drug it out of him. I love my brother but I lost a lot of respect for him since then. Those 3 women? They are my heroes! They saved my sanity and quite likely my life! I will be eternally grateful.
I believe that, in the end, your SIL will thank you for the truth. And knowing that you love her and have her back will make this shitty situation easier for her to bear. I admire your caring compassion.
thank you so so much. this gives me so much comfort and strength. No one wants to be “the messenger” to something so heartbreaking. But like I told my husband: we love her enough to shoulder this burden and we will support her through it all, even if it does mean she’s upset with us for a bit for being the ones who told her.
Worried,
What I would have given to hear your words from my brother! 🙁 …but, I didn’t. He and my SIL said it was just none of their business. …still breaks my heart.
I’m just glad the husband is on the LW’s/SIL’s side. That will help considerably. I’m so sorry. this is an awful situation.
Oh yes! i’m VERY thankful my husband is at the maturity level he’s now at…because a few years ago he would have probably beat up BIL immediately.
Well, yes, staying out of jail is always a plus. 🙂
But I was referring to the fact that, sometimes, “bros stick together” and even if the man is related to the chump, he’ll side with the cheater out of discomfort. He doesn’t want to “choose sides” so he continues to see the cheater. He implies that if his chumped relative had tried harder/not let herself go/somehow been psychic, cheater wouldn’t have cheated. He still spends weekends with the cheater and acts like nothing happened because he doesn’t want to lose his bowling league or access to the hunting lease he shares with the cheater. I know it sounds like minor stuff, but that can really work against the chump’s ability to feel supported, heal and move on.
I’m so glad your husband is awesome. 🙂
Please tell your SIL! I found out about my now ex-husband’s secret affair partner when I was just shy of 6 months pregnant with our 4th child (aged 5 and under). I immediately filed for divorce and consulted with my OBGYN. I was tested for STDs, however near the end of my pregnancy (39 weeks and 5 days) had a HSV (herpes – has an incubation period that made it difficult to test for) scare that required an emergency c-section and a 10 day NICU stay for my newborn. Before I’d even had a chance to hold her, my daughter endured many painful tests to check for congenital herpes, which can be fatal, cause infant blindness, deafness, or profound development delays. I now know that my ex-husband was having sex with both of us – on the same days- one right after the other, without bathing. He exposed my unborn daughter to dangerous STDs, with grave consequences. My newborn had a team of specialists working around the clock to keep her safe. Infectious disease specialists took my sexual history (one lover – my husband- for 16 + years) and told me without my husband’s infidelity they could have ruled out an HSV infection, because I tested negative prior to going into labor. So, basically had anyone who knew about the infidelity told me earlier in my pregnancy that we were at risk for STDs, I could have tested earlier and known prior to labor if I was going to seroconvert. Ultimately, happily my newborn and I are both negative for HSV and all other STDs, but it was a terrifying and traumatic experience for which my daughter and I alone paid a high price. I give big thanks to my fantastic doctors, nurses, family, CL, and CN for helping me cope with trauma!
I’m so sorry.
Mamma chump
You were so brave to end your relationship. Narcissist serial cheaters take advantage of their partners when they are the most vulnerable. Pregnant and the shine isn’t on the man child. Yet the claim to want a family.
After my daughters birth I had proof, a very sick child with heart problems and health problems following her birth. Three years later he cheated again.
I know the pain you are going through. You are damn mighty. I admire your strength.
So sorry to hear that you went through that, Palmetto. What a terrible price these things exact.
PalmettoChump–what a horrible tale; so glad you and your daughter had a happy health ending.
Another chump here to raise my hand and say that my cheating ex gave me an STD during or before my pregnancy, which I found out via those routine checks they do during prenatal exams. Spackling idiot that I was, even though I had been faithful, I let him pout around the house for a week and convince me that it was all MY fault, that it must have been from one of my relationships before ours. Like, uhh, 7 years prior? With me getting regular checkups and exams, as my ob-gyn informed me much later when I asked about this post-divorce, it’s highly, *highly* unlikely that I had brought the STD into the marriage.
The STD my disgusting ex gave me was chlamydia, and it could have harmed my baby. The fact that the cheater is willing to put the heatlh of an adult human being, and the *life* of an innocent baby, at risk just to avoid the temporary discomfort and embarrassment that would come from confessing an affair, underlines how calmly and coldly these sociopaths are able to function.
I’m grateful for the treatment I received and the honesty of the midwives, and the bouncing healthy baby girl I ended up having, who lights up my days. I’m not grateful that I was dumb enough to spackle over it for another year and a half before D-Days 1 and 2, but hey, some of just have extra hard heads and need a zillion examples before we can be convinced of what’s right in front of our faces.
I know this is kind of cart-before-the-horse, but I can also look ahead and see how crappy it would be to look back later on the birth of the child you wanted so desperately, realize your child’s other parent (and everyone else) was keeping this enormous secret through the whole experience, and feel forever tainted about the memory of the birth.
That will be true anyway under the burden of the truth, of course, but at least it will be for accurate reasons.
God, this is heartbreaking.
Yes. I keep picturing her delivering this baby. This precious rainbow baby and not having her husband there beside her in that delivery room and it’s so crushing. No way would we wait for the baby to be born to tell her. We are just waiting until she gets past the point in pregnancy when she lost the other baby (which is next week) so she can at least have one huge fear off her plate before adding another.
It is so, so heartbreaking. It feels like a movie and not real life.
Each night you wait to tell her is one more possible opportunity for further exposure to STDs.
If your house was on fire, would you want someone to wait to tell you?
Worried, I don’t think you should wait until the next doctor appointment is over, because she can get checked at this next doctor’s appointment for STDs. The sooner she knows whether she has one, and her obgyn know, the sooner she can seek treatment and keep her and her baby healthy. I know you are worried the news could make her miscarry, and that is valid, it is just she needs to be checked immediately. Hang in there, I am so sorry your family and your beautiful SIL are going through this.
Someone I was only very casually acquainted with sent me a photo of my STBX cuddling in a bar late one night when X had claimed he was “out with the guys”. This blurry and only semi-incriminating photo changed my life forever. It was the first real proof of what I’d suspected for years and quickly led to much more “hard evidence”…. had it not been for that girl I hardly knew (just a casual FB friend), I’d probably still be with his lying, cheating STD infected ass. Telling her will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but it’s the loving, right thing to do.
I will FOREVER BE GREATFUL for the bravery of some one who scarcely knew me for giving me the power of that information.
That act changed my life forever and I have a chance now to have what turns out I never had: an honest life.
And PS. Have your husband confront the cheater separately when SIL not in house, have him physically removed from the house. And a sound beat-down to emphasize the point would not be out of order IMO.
OH my husband will LOVE your “PS” 😉 He keeps saying that some people just need to be beat up and that he’d love to ruin BIL’s nose for life.
I’m glad even a blurry photo was enough. You can clearly see both vehicles but license plates are fuzzy so I know he COULD try to spin it. I hope she’s strong enough to face the truth and not let his lies fool her anymore. Thank you!
No violence. Not worth it.
I now realise my ex was cheating right from the birth of my first child. They do not change.
You are telling your SIL her life as she knows it is over. Her dreams and expectations are finished.
It will be very tough.
In time she will be fine, but its a long haul with toddlers, and you may find her fear stops her leaving him at first.
Support her in that decision while gently encouraging her over time to open her eyes to the reality of her husband’s true character. Give her self belief.
Don’t assume she will “get it” at first. When you are married, love your partner, very pregnant and so vulnerable, its hard to accept the father of that baby is a total loser.
Mine were older and it has still taken me ages to really accept what a jerk he is.
I am also a SAHM so I can put myself in her shoes very easily and can picture myself staying for fear of losing my life, my dreams, everything I cherish. While I hate how long this has gone on, how awful the timing was with the miscarriage and then TTC again, AND with who it’s with…I do feel like with it all being SO much and SO awful that maybe it’s what she needs to really walk away. Sometimes we need to have stuff be really harsh and horrible in order to have the push we need to make a change. I’m praying she’ll see it that way.
A lot of what is holding my husband back from punching BIL is that he could also see SIL wanting to work things out with BIL and stay married. Staying together is the “easier” road to take and she IS coping with so much that it’s possible she may stay and it’ll be hard for her to stay knowing we know and hard for BIL and husbands relationship as well. But you are so right. We will support whatever she decides and be there for her through it and build her up so she knows she’s worth so much more and deserves so much better!
Worried SIL–From what you’ve described, the problems in this marriage go WAY beyond the infidelity. He is an empathy-less emotional abuser as well. There is NO possibility of a real marriage with this person. He will not do “partnership,” he will decimate any person who is close to him, and will make his wife’s life a living hell. She will then have to be the sane parent while clinically depressed and psychologically beaten down. IMHO, there is no possible way to change their relationship into a healthy one. That alone deserves consideration. Good luck.
It’s extremely difficult to reconcile after this kind of betrayal. Even though we might want very much to forgive and forget, there’s always that suspicion in the back of our minds. We often turn our suspicions into denial in order to stay in the marriage. It just doesn’t ever work like it did before we knew.
Yes. And they have been on a rough path for a long time so there were already resentments and hurts and the fact that he wasn’t there for her during the miscarriage was hard enough to over look. Now knowing he was cheating while she was grieving alone? Unforgivable. I know her well enough to know she needs to cut him out, but hope she sees that she’s strong enough to do so!
For me, confirmation of both my XWs’ cheating came as a sigh of relief. Painful, yes. But, it got me out of an abusive relationship each time.
PDs seem to be drawn to “nice” people, folks they sense have a high tolerance for their abuse.
This guy has given your SIL a get out of jail free card, especially as she is religious and this is a valid reason to divorce pursuant to some of the strange teachings of the bible. Et Cum Spiritu Tuo>
That’s just heart-breaking for her and so utterly callous of that sumbitch. Clearly his needs come first, then the OW’s, then your SIL. When their tawdry dynamic inevitably changes, the thrill of the clandestine meetings comes to an end, and reality comes home to roost, I worry that he will treat her even worse, or the OW may show her teeth out of jealousy or fear of loosing her control over BIL. That howorker needs to know you will not tolerate any crap from her either, and will defend your husband’s sister and her children against any retaliation. Take some time to be prepared for those possibilities, too. I am glad you all are such a tight-knit network she can rely on. Be strong.
SIL – there is a very good chance that your SIL already knows, but she thinks because they are having a baby together that it will bring them closer together. What she needs to hear is that she is not alone in this… she has you and her brother and the family. This will NOT be the time for neutrality or acting like Switzerland friends. This is the time for justice. If BIL wants “out” of his marriage – let him have it and all the glory that comes from being exposed for the cheating SOB that he is… along with the pathetic and desperate OW…. frankly, they deserve each other and your SIL deserves an amazing settlement so she can take care of herself and her two kids.
Tell her today. Take her to lunch and then stop at a good lawyer’s office on the way home.
Tell her, now. I was pregnant when my ex was cheating on me. I wish I would have known then.
When I was pregnant, my instinct to protect my children was very strong. This might be an advantage in your SIL’s favor.
YES. Especially after losing the baby, she has an intense, passionate “mama bear” side. I love that you pointed that out! I think that WILL be the strength she needs through this!
SIL Your story saddens me so much. I feel absolutely sick about it and it’s worse realizing that this is happening in real time. What a blow your SIL is about to experience. The loss of her basic reality, the realization that her partner in life is actually her enemy. I understand your fear of telling her and feeling as if she may hate the messenger. But remember – you and your husband are the good guys for telling her. You have integrity and strong character. You are doing the RIGHT thing regardless of the consequences. In the throes of the first reveal she may turn on you a bit and even call you liars. As the shock wears off she will be able to see everything more clearly, but it will take time. Her brain is going to be overwhelmed with this news and brains under extreme duress cannot think clearly. I think a lot of thoughts and prayers from CN are going to be floating your way today wherever you are in the world. (((((Good luck)))))
Mine cheated both pregnancies. Unprotected sex. Turns out his special women were not sleeping with only him. One of the women had multiple men. Yep….We got at least one diagnosed STI.
It takes a special kind of low life to have unprotected sex then bring their potentially diseased self into their partner and onto their unborn child.
Are cheaters against hygiene?
Do keep in mind the physical effects the emotional trauma of finding out may have on her. She may have stomach cramps, vomiting, diarhea in the first few days. Many chumps lose a lot of weight because they can’t eat. I know I did. I had to force myself to swallow bites of food like a pill for a couple of weeks. Try to make sure she continues to eat well during this time. It will get better!
Yes, I worry about the effect of the stress on her and the possibility it could affect her pregnancy. Many of us end up taking antidepressants or other drugs in the initial stages to cope with the trauma, but that won’t be an option if she’s pregnant.
Worried,
As heartbreaking as the situation is, your SIL has her faith, her family and her community behind her. She will get through this. And if she chooses to dump that sorry excuse for a husband, which is likely (and my recommendation), her life will be better. He has shown that he is not a worthy partner for her. Giving her the information to make an informed choice is an act of love.
Good luck to you. Bring SIL on by when she is ready to hear more.
Great advice as always. Oddly enough, I have just run into a situation similar to this. Rumors are out about my BIL. Now there is no solid proof as of yet. But there is someone looking into it that has connections. Once the truth is revealed, if his family doesnt nail his ass to the wall, I will!
Yesssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have three children with ex and never experienced the love a true partner would have been in my life. He wasn’t there in good times or bad. I spackled for years, excusing crap behavior because of what I could not see and did not know. I went through life alone, I was that competent, lol. My marriage blew up big time when ex left me for his racquetball partner (he ruined me financially) and looking back I realized he never had my back, he was never the partner I deserved. Worried, your SIL is going through life and those pregnancies alone, your BIL will always be absent and disengaged when she needs him. He may be Sparkley but She is holding down the fort while her husband is off fucking others. IMHO, men who cheat can never support their spouse’s dreams, let alone be present in the daily gifts life brings. Your BIL is sabatoging both her present and her future (and their babies’ as well) every day he chooses to cheat. Don’t allow SIL to live one more moment with the lie, with a man whose default setting is to run away and shit on those he “loves” (the fact that he is not treating her well, during what should be a beautiful time together, is his crap life skill), and people like this will never make a good spouses. She probably feels something is off, but doesn’t realize why. Tell. As soon as you have met with a local lawyer.
Well if anyone ever doubted what a great forum this is then today’s post should stand as an example of the finest that chumps have to offer. Such an outpouring of understanding and support and brilliant ideas and advice. So proud to be a chump here today.
But major triggering for me. I think because I remember there was a time before I knew about infidelity and it’s consequences in any real way. Before I knew my husband of 22 years was a cheat. Before I know that vomiting with extreme emotion wasn’t just a movie cliche. Before I had to start life from scratch. I’m so focused on the after and re-appraising my past I kind of forgot there was a time when I didn’t know what was coming down the line for me. When I was happy and thought we were happy.
So very glad that this woman has what sounds like a huge team of loving people behind her. She is going to need them.
A point made above about this being in real time too is so hard. I sort of know it is but to hear of just this one person who is about to go through this is just heartbreaking. She stands for all of us in some way I guess. We can say how we would have wished to be told and held and supported and loved. Chump nation ?
Capricorn…as always, your posts very much resonate with me.
Agreed that in spite of the life changing, “real time” event that is about to happen to this lovely woman, what wonderful examples of kindness extended by people here, and what a wonderful family she has behind her. “Real time” examples of the chasm of differences between us and them.
This triggered me, as well, and you put it so perfectly and simply…remembering the time before we all knew about infidelity and the consequences. How different that life was. I remember enjoying summer evenings cooking out on our deck, talking and walking our dog together like we literally just did that yesterday. I still feel and smell and taste all of it like it just happened. How so very long ago that life seems….
Love and hugs to everyone here….
Integrity
That’s exactly it. Just doing things before, ordinary things. I had just forgotten that life. I guess I didn’t realise just how consumed by this I have been for these months. I read somewhere today in the forum that someone realised she hadn’t thought about the cheating or the cheat for a day or so. I wish my time for that would hurry up. It’s still usually the first thing on my mind and last thing at night. I love your name and posts too btw. ?
Thank you, Capricorn 🙂 That means a lot to me.
I’m 22 months from Dday weekend, 13 months divorced. 8 years of marriage (really, only 7), 11 years together (really, only 10). And I do still think about it everyday. But as Tempest said, it’s not the same hurt all the time anymore. Days for sure where it still reminds me what a motherfucker it is. But I have really amazing days, too. And those are becoming more and more frequent. It will happen for you, like it will for all of us eventually. I hope. I wish I could speed it up too…every goddamn day I do. But…we can’t. So day by day. Hoping for Tuesday ahead for us all…love and hugs…
And for all of those on here who were cheated on while pregnant…just want to say I’m so sorry it happened. To all of us. I’m heartbroken for those who lost theirs. And those of you who have gone through this with your babes/young children/children period…you have my utmost respect and admiration. I think about the baby I lost during the shitstorm all the time…
So sorry Integrity. They rob us of so much.
The beauty of CN is that Tracy started this blog and trusted that Chumps Don’t Suck. She’s given us the space and the freedom to be loud, to be potty mouthed and to be open and honest. The result: a fantastic supportive community, so respectful of each other, so helpful.
Thanks to CL’s faith in chumps.
Two years out + 4 months. I still think about the cheating every day. Every single day, usually multiple times. But it no longer hurts in the same way.
21 years and 11,respectively. It affected everything: kids,finances,my ability to trust again. Everything. I bounced back some after number 1. Number 2 made me question the wisdom of ever trusting again.
I agree, Arnold. I think of myself as fairly feisty, and having lots of interests to create that ‘new’ life, but this experience has re-defined me.
How’s your son doing, Arnold? Heartbreaking scenario, and we all want him to get well for your sake, too.
I am the oldest chump in the nation. The sham of a marriage lasted 46 years. I am almost three years out from Dday and it is still in my head every.single. day…many, many times a day. I honestly think something is physically wrong with me. I am doing well in all other areas of my new life, but cannot drain it out of my head! Thus, back to therapy. I never had any kind of closure…he left that day and I never saw him again. It was a complete and total Mind “you-know-what!” I just cannot wait for the very first day to pass and I realize I never thought about “it.” I hope I live long enough to experience it.
Oh and he now lives with a 45 y/o the age of our son….he is 71. She is living in my beautiful retirement home, living the life I worked for, travels with him….I could go on and on. Yes, it is simply AMAZING.
I continue to trust that he sucks…you all keep me on the road to “Meh!” XX
Dear worried Sil-
I was chumped during the pregnancy of baby number 2.
I knew something was going on several months before he actually left me pregnant and alone to take care of her two year old. He only wanted to have sex with me in the middle of the night and when I declined he use that against me. He started picking fights with me all the time and then when I would react he would use my anger against me. That anger was his excuse to leave our home.
Even though he denied an affair I knew that people just don’t leave after 10 years of marriage because of a little hiccup. If my angry reaction to his behavior was such a problem why would he wait until I was pregnant to leave? I knew something was going on despite his denials. Throughout our separation and my pregnancy he denied having an affair. He even agreed that if he wanted to start a new relationship he would sign divorce papers and let me move on. He insisted he wasn’t in any relationship. Throughout my pregnancy he was exceptionally emotionally abusive. He called me names told me I should try to kill myself in more ways than one, and use the time that was meant to be spent with his son psychologically abusing me.
No woman should ever have to experience the stress I endured throughout my pregnancy. Doctors were worried about the health of my pregnancy, as there are many negative consequences to stress during pregnancy. Some of those might include preterm labor, stunted brain development, preeclampsia, and stillbirth. And that’s not including what potential sti’s which could be transmitted in utero.
Eventually, when I was sexually suitable again my husband wanted to reconcile. He insisted that he did not have sex with anyone during our time apart and I foolishly had unprotected sex with him. Just a few short months later I had an annual Pap and tested positive for a deadly strain of HPV. It is one of the two deadliest strains that woman can contract and I have a very high risk of developing cervical cancer. Had I had sex with him during my pregnancy and contracted this during my pregnancy my daughter would also be at risk and that is something I don’t think I could live with. I am just one of many casualties of the war on fidelity. It is imperative that your sister-in-law find out before she and her unborn child become a casualty as well. Does she know the reasons behind her previous miscarriage? It makes one wonder if infidelity could have been the cause. Something as seemingly benign as bacterial vaginosis can cause complications in pregnancy.
If any of the aforementioned events occur during her pregnancy then that guilt will be on you for knowing and choosing to not act. If you have the ability to tell her about the affair then you have the responsibility to tell her about the affair.
The task ahead of you is not an easy one my friend and I wish you all the luck in the world. She should realize how fortunate she is to have such a caring and concerned friend as yourself. On behalf of the Chumps in the world thank you.
Tchump, what a horrific ordeal, glad you are ok now, keep getting checked regularly and you can catch any cancer really early.
I am a sister of a chump. I want to warn the sil and everyone in the family to stand shoulder to shoulder against the song and dance this man is going to try. My ex-sil was charming. She is one of those who literally vanish. She finally surfaced months later but not to come home. She left a devastated family but they had a huge support system and that made all the difference. It took a while but I got info about her and she has an entourage. They think she is wonderful. Your bil is going to land on his feet because he has his bullshit perfected. Do not let him control the narrative. Good luck.
Please remind her that she is a beautiful woman and good mother. She needs to protect herself and her babies and she’ll be better off without him. His deplorable behavior is his fault and not hers. She doesn’t deserve his ABUSE. She and her kids deserve better.
As CL has said in the past, there is a special place in hell for people who cheat on the pregnant. I am so, so sorry your SIL is going through this. I couldn’t agree more with her advice to tell your SIL asap. Before anything else, your SIL is a mother, and mothers protect their children. Arm her with what she needs to do that. I wish someone, anyone, had told me that my babydaddy was a cheater before I lost that pregnancy (and maybe from his cheating). So much better to have a healthy baby from the ruins of a life than nothing at all. Sorry the cheating bastard put you all in this situation, but support makes a world of difference in your recovery.
Hi Worried SIL,
I’ve been reading the great advice from Chump Nation and your responses to everyone.
I have one concern. You said that you and your husband are going to wait until next week to tell your SIL. I know y’all want to wait until after her prenatal appointment but I am concerned about what could happen between now and then. What if BIL gets wind that you know and decides to cut you off at the pass? What if he decided to empty their bank account and run? What if she already HAS an STD? What if she finds out between now and then from someone else and realizes you knew? What if she already suspects something and even KNOWS something and is afraid to tell you because she is afraid of what you would say or think! I understand your plan to wait but I think it’s playing with her right to agency. There is never going to be a good time to tell her as CL mentioned. There just isn’t.
She needs to know TODAY. RIGHT NOW. Tell your husband to come home from work, get your FIL over to her house and have a family meeting. Do it.
You have been getting your needs met with advice from CN and she sits “in the dark” not knowing. Please realize how relieved you feel right now with the support YOU are getting and extend that same courtesy to your SIL.
I’m terrible at warm fuzzies so forgive me. I feel strongly that you shouldn’t wait. Don’t coddle her. You don’t know her strength….yet. And neither does she.
And the FIRE the OW and tell her husband!
Could be possible the reason for SIL’ first miscarriage was an STD? OP, she may turn on you at first for being the bearer of bad news, but some day she will admit how beave you were to be honest.
I did have the good fortune of being told of Ex’s affair by one of his colleagues, who was a stranger to me. I have been eternally grateful to that young man ever since,as it allowed me advance warning and time to plan my exit…and to really fuck the Cheater over bad. Although it hurt like a bitch to know of the cheating, I feel as though in retrospect I was able to get full revenge by dumping his cheating arse on his AP, and literally trashing all his worldly possessions before he even knew he was fired. To this day, five years later, it brings a smile to my face. The two weeks it took me to formulate my plans was the best acting job I have ever done though.
Worried, all the advice you’ve received from CN is worth it’s weight in gold right now. I have a little bit to add. In addition to a great lawyer, STD screen, etc. make sure she also has a way of accessing therapy for herself. Not marriage therapy but individual therapy so she can process this betrayal with a professional. Fear overcame me when I learned of my ex-husbands betrayal and one of the results of this was suicidal thoughts. I was terrified of the thoughts in addition to trying to get my ducks in a row to divorce asshole. Luckily I was seeing a great counselor who picked up on them right away and helped me. Your SIL is pregnant and her emotions are going to be all over the place so make sure she has access to professional help as well.
Also, cheaters love to shift blame on to their partners so once the cat is out of the bag I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to blame his actions on the miscarriage. It’s a manipulative way of placing blame on her for not carrying the baby to term and is complete bullshit, but don’t be surprised if he does this and make sure you reinforce EVERY DAY that this is not your SIL’s fault. She did nothing wrong and didn’t deserve this, and reiterate that to her as much as you can.
Of course he’ll blame it on the miscarriage, the traitor did that to me. It was my reaction to our first miscarriage, how I grieved and excluded him from my grief that caused him to feel so bad, 10 years ago… Yeah, right…
Be careful putting that much stress on a pregnant woman, my friends waited till I was 7 months to tell me (I kinda implied I felt something was off). I cannot begin to describe the heartbreak I went through the rest of my pregnancy and the actusl physical consequences it had on my pregnant body AND on mybaby.
Turns out maternal stress in the third trimester affects the baby. She was born underweight at only just 2 kilos while full term. There was no other explanation then matrnal stress. I could try find the published paper about this and link it.
My situation was different, I aas overseas and he ran off with OW but I would have preffered finding out AFTER the baby was born.
I can confirm this from studies I know about. The poor woman, once told, is not going to feel like eating. She will need nutritional supplements (and will have to choke them down) for the sake of her baby. The stress itself will be horrible, but physical activity will help prevent chronic high blood pressure (itself a problem for fetuses & mother). The stress is better handled with exercise than with drugs.
Good point, Junglechump.
Physical activity… my father had died about two months before I found out about my STBX cheating, then the added stress of my life falling to pieces (I had no clue was still dreaming about what a nice daddy he would be to our daughter), I got irritable uterus syndrome (already before I knew of the cheating because of the stress wondering why he stopped being normal to me), which meant most of my pregnancy I had a rock hard belly from weird contractions that even the midwife hadnt really seen before, I couldnt do anything, I couldnt sit, stand, lay down because it would cause these strange uncomfortable contractions. I was so, so scared to lose the baby and going through hell doing it all alone, no more support from STBX, luckily some friends… Looking back I think it must have had to do with extreme emotional distress, I cant begin to describe having to mourn your life and dreams and all that was lost (my home, my job, and more was all tied to me being with him). Finding out during pregnancy NOT GOOD. The only risk I can see is STDs if you dont know, but other than that, better to know after the baby is born, since the baby will take the focus off from it somewhat anyway.
I found out when I was 3 months pregnant an I was glad I did. By the time the baby was here I’d processed the shock and come to terms with who he was.
At the time it felt like the worst thing ever but it meant my head was clear when my baby was here and I was able to concentrate on my little one. My ex ruined my pregnancy but he didn’t ruin my early days with the baby.
I must add that I went complete no contact with him during the rest of my pregnancy and would not allow him to be involved until the baby arrived. I think that helped a lot.
I was terrified the stress would harm the baby but he came out a whooping 9lb7. Healthy babies are born into the most stressful situations all around the world (think warzones etc).
Wishing your SIL all the best, I know what she has to come and it’s not nice. But if it’s any help at all, I really feel like what I went through was the making of me!
Excellent story for SIL’s dilema. I Hope this inspires her
I really needed this, but did not have It.
“The way to stop bad guys from doing bad things is to expose them.”
So very true. Please give this innocent, vulerable woman a chance to protect herself and her unborn child. She is so blessed to have a strong support system already in place. So many of us face alienation when family and friends continue to buy into the shadow-dweller’s narcissistic charms and illusions. Your SIL is being exploited and disempowered. Empower her with the gift of truth and stand alongside her, regardless of how she responds, as CL said, because she will need much understanding and empathy as she goes through the many phases of shock, denial, anger, grief, acceptance and very possibly the pick-me-dance.
I am somewhat new to posting but not new to Chump Nation. Though I have not been ready to add my voice until now, a week before my divorce is final, this blog and community have been with me, giving me strength and hope, through the darkest days of my life.
Wings, I Hope everything is for YOUR best.
Wings – glad you are adding your voice. May your dark days be behind you soon. And may your new life post divorce be filled with truth and peace.
I know I might get a lot of guff about this, but I personally feel when you tell the SIL, you need to do it with all the major players in the room at the same time, the BIL as well, as the Cheater and OW. This way those lies that are going to come spewing from the cheaters mouth will hold no vality, AND it holds everyone accountable for what’s going on in this situation. The cheater and OW will know that once people know they can’t lie as easily once it’s been spoken for all to know. AND personally we all know the cheaters gonna lie and put a spin on it and try to get out of it, but if there are many witness then the lie can’t become real once the truth has been spoken.
When I confronted my cheating x, I did it with my pastor, and our marriage ministry team present at their house, (we were friends with them, so it was easy to get the x over to their house) once it was out in the air, he realized that he couldn’t lie any longer and confessed what was going on. (I worked on our marriage for two years after that only to find he returned to his old ways and I was through with him for good!)
I do wish you luck and I believe in the long run the SIL will have more respect for you telling her, then if you didn’t and she finds out later that you knew all along. Be a friend to her and allow her to mourn because it’s worse then a death, the cheater is still living.