Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Got Anger?

You low corrosive lump of fecal horror, you maniac bastardly turd! I would rather drink stale urine from Norman Fowler’s arse-pit than remain one moment more in your defiling company.

You’re filth, you’re cack, you’re the ooze of… a burst boil. I abominate you, you cowering mound of corrupted slime. Your every utterance is like the slithering hiss of a fat maggot in the putrid guts of a decomposing rat. Your face is fouler than the unwiped inner ring of Satan’s rectum!

I may just post all the genius of Fry and Laurie here this next week. (Check out the narcissist send up of Luella De La Twee ). If you’re feeling like you need to vent,  begin at “You low corrosive lump of fecal horror!”

And speaking of Satan’s unwiped rectum — have you met my ex-husband? Har har. This schtick got me thinking about anger (and anger’s better half — satire). When I think back on my infidelity nightmare, I’m surprised at how long it took me to get to anger. It’s definitely one of the stages of grief, but objectively, you’d think it would rear its head on the first day. It didn’t. Numbness did. Amazon chumpery appeared. Grief and sobbing and distress did. But anger came a bit later to the scene.

But, oh trust me, when it came it was a real force of nature.

When I read on infidelity boards, and some poor soul is reckoning with the aftermath of D-Day, I see it posted time and again “Get mad!” “Find your anger!” “Where are your balls?! Don’t be a fucking doormat!” As is often the case, the chump is wallowing around, trying to make sense of bullshit, doing the humiliating dance of “pick me!” and generally just spinning their wheels miserably.

I worry about people who don’t do anger. There’s a lot of stupid bullshit out there (HuffPo commentators — I’m talking to you) that says you should be above such low thoughts. That anger is corrosive and toxic and once you get angry you’ll stay that way, forever! Yes, your features will get stuck in a scowl, so don’t cross your eyes either. It could get very ugly indeed.

changedBut that’s nonsense. Nothing should piss you off so much as the injustice and the affront of being cheated on. Of having your health risked, of being conspired against, of being humiliated. For all the ugly fallout of infidelity — the broken homes, the broken-hearted children, the STDs, the wasted years, the financial loss — if you can’t get mad about being cheated on, what does piss you off? Anything?

And yet so many chumps struggle with anger. At least at first. When I read a righteously pissed off chump, I don’t worry about them so much as the flounderers. I assume that the anger will propel that chump towards action, because anger is really good at that. Of course, there are some people that just stay stuck at inchoate rage without the moving forward actions — you see those poor souls stuck in reconciliation or pointless “revenge” — and what I would say to them is — Listen to your anger. It’s trying to tell you something. You want that rage to go away? ACT ON IT. No, I don’t mean gut the cheater like a fish (but you may fantasize about it). No, I mean PROTECT YOURSELF. Get away from this person who is hurting you.

Why is anger so hard for chumps? Well, first of all — you love the cheater. (Or did.) It’s scary to be angry at the people we love. Maybe they’ll leave us. Maybe they’ll let us down in other worse ways (are there other worse ways? Because people, I think you’ve arrived at worse here.) Second, to get good and righteously pissed off at injustice, you have to value yourself. You have to operate from the assumption that you deserve better than this. And that sounds so common sense, but if you’ve been mindfucked for a long time, gaslighted, made to feel only worthy as kibble production for the Great Narcissist, it may be hard to summon up the sense that hey, you MATTER. And third, anger is so hard because we get a lot of messages to not be angry. Especially women. No one will ever date you if you’re angry. Seriously, you’re unfuckable you shrieking harpy. Okay, not only is it unattractive, it’s Wrong! You should forgive and understand and choke down that shit sandwich and say thank you, this has been a learning experience. Don’t do anger, do enlightenment.

Well chumps, I would argue you don’t get to enlightenment, unless you do anger first. You can’t achieve “meh” until you’ve exhausted anger. Look at it like anger is your fuel towards “meh.” You’ll need all that anger to lawyer up, and rebuild and create a righteously awesome new life for yourself (I’ll show you!) — and then one day, you’ll arrive at acceptance (it’s a Tuesday). You won’t regret being pissed off once upon a time. You’ll respect yourself for it.

This column ran previously.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • My anger came so quickly at the final D-Day. When I saw the extend of his deception and the fact that he was deceiving and hurting others, I moved into action. I realized so fast that I loved the man I thought the Spin Doctor was and the relationship I thought we had, not who he was or what we had. Going NC was so good. No more gaslighting or mindfuckery.
      That said, I really enjoyed singing Bye Bye Earl in therapyoke (therapy in the form of karaoke). Put this on your play list.

        • I saw the Dixie Chicks in Houston last summer. It was as enlightening and inspiring an experience as you’d hope! I’d seen ’em before with Match Girl, but I needed a good dose of single Chicks. “Earl” is a crowd pleaser, and they never seem to tire of tearing it up. (check out the Chicks with Beyoncé on their cover of “Daddy Lessons.” Pure Texas bliss.

    • I am consumed with anger!!! I am almost 4 months post D Day! We were married 18 years. It is worse now than it was when he came home, said he wasn’t happy, moved out and moved on with his life and his mistress that he denies (lies) meeting before he asked for divorce. I, family and friends were completely blind-sided. I am angry at everyone! (The cheating ex the mistress, myself, my shitty lawyer, his family, my family, therapist, friends and sometimes God). I don’t know how to even respond to anyone because everyone, every divorce class, therapist, bible, etc tells you not to say anything because it doesn’t make the situation better. You have to play nice with your ex….for the sake of the child! What about him working on saving his marriage….for the sake of the child/family?

      I hate him for not giving one second to try to work on the marriage. We had a charmed life. Maybe the marriage became unkept and mundane due to the busyness of life and kids. But, I feel they could have be rekindled if he would have only tried! I would have done anything to get it back on track!

      I am so mad at myself because my shitty lawyer sucked and I knew it for months and didn’t kick her to the curb! I needed my support system of family, therapist and friends to confirm I needed to dump her when I kept questioning her lack of effectiveness. But, I have problems making big decisions sometimes for myself and in this state of mind I kept hanging on. Big Mistake! He makes a shit load and I feel my attorney did very little to take me to the financial promise land. And agree at myself for agreeing to the deal!
      I want to write her a letter the her telling her of how ineffective and pathetic she is. Should I?

      I can’t get past that he gets to continue to make the big bucks and I get to find a job, after many years out of the workforce, making significantly less. I get to watch and hear my daughter go to fun sporting events and tell me about the fabulous trips they will take.
      My family/friends just say, “don’t live your life looking at his” and “Go and make your own life and take your own trips”. Sounds so Hallmark poetically easy.

      It is true about everyones expectations of how you should deal with your anger,-You don’t! Everyone keeps saying, “It doesn’t change anything and you will be the one that will look bad/bitter if you are negative.” Everyone asks how are you? They just want to hear, ” I am ok”. But THAT IS NOT THE CASE! You are just expected to move forward. (how many times have we all heard those words-move forward?)So, you have to grin and fake it in public. It sucks! I am about to lose it.

      He moved in with his mistress less than 3 months after D day! My 13yr old daughter hasn’t even met her yet and will be expected to live with her during his time on the weekends. The Ex and his mistress grew up together in a small town, reconnected and she has since relocated from out of town to live with him. They live 5 minutes from our house. She better not come anywhere close to me or to any of my daughter’s events or I will make it as uncomfortable for her being there as she has made it for me!
      He has justified everything. His family has already welcomed her in. I feel so betrayed by them. I have no doubt he will be married by the end of the year. My family, therapist and friends agree.

      I know I have rambled on too long and could continue for days. Unless you want to spend $140 an hour to vent to a therapist which is insane, you have to get it out somewhere .

      HOW DO YOU GET PAST THIS? I am bitter and I am afraid I will be this way forever. Just can’t get past HOW and WHY he could do this to his family.

      • Welcome to the Club Nobody Wanted to Join, Survivor1. Stick around Check out the forums, up top. Post frequently. We are glad you are here. Anger is our speciality.

        p.s. consider a different name. we have a “survivor” here, and you deserve your own user name. and you deserve to be happy. you got this. fight!!!

      • doh, i got totally sideways on the name thing. stick around, cheaters1. we are luckily not all having a bad day at the same time.

      • Big hugs Cheaters1… the whole thing is so onesided and sucks beyond measure. You are left to pick up the pieces of what you thought was your wonderful life to find it was all a lie, feeling broken beyond measure. While he swans off into the sunset, cashed up, with his skank. Goes on holidays, abandons his kids, leaves you to raise them alone, to struggle financially, trying to find it in you to keep going another day. Anger is your friend.. it really is. Allow it to happen. It will propel you forward. It took a long long time for me to get to anger. The real self righteous anger that should have come instantly but didn’t. Chumpy me didn’t want to rock the boat, didn’t want to hurt him (can you believe that???). When it did, I got angry at the world and God. How is this fair? How/why did this happen to me? I was a devoted wife and mother for over 20 years and this is my reward??? Then very slowly I learnt this was never about me. It was never about anything I did or didn’t do. I just picked an arsehole for a husband and father to my kids. He has really bad character flaws that I spackled over for years. Once I released any blame on myself, and let go of the control of who he is, things got so much easier. Now I could not care less about him (an occasional “arsehole”still comes out of my mouth :)). She is more than welcome to him and the kids and I have forged (through a lot of determination) an amazing new life without him anywhere in sight. Yes its been hard, yes I didn’t think I could do it at times but I have and my life is pretty wonderful. I have two incredible beautiful adult children whom I adore and they love me. They haven’t seen him for a few years now. The last thing I heard was that he was very grey and very fat. Life keeps going, Allow the anger to keep you moving. It will subside with time. Massive hugs xx

        • Thank you JABT for your words of encouragement.

          I wish he would just go away. I wish he was an uninvolved dad bc I am going to have to interact with him for many years due to our daughter. There will always be situations or things that tick me off. I hate that! I fantasize about how I will react when I run into the mistress! It won’t be pretty. But then again, I was raised to be a nice, compassionate, honest, upstanding, woman so I probably will do nothing. This is a struggle I have had with this whole divorce! I have been told do not respond to anyone other than in kind. However, I did spend several weeks sending scathing emails to my ex. They were all true, just not nice. I have now stopped now even though I want to fill his inbox! I just keep it short, cordial and to the point! But, I would rather tear him a new one!

          He stays active with our 13 year old daughter. Most would consider him a good dad bc he is there. Really? He hasn’t, and is not likely, to miss a payment. But I do foresee in the future him arguing to pay for the ancillary things such as teacher gifts and camps etc.
          He gets her every other weekend. So I have made it easy for him being only a weekend dad during the school year to spend the rest of his time to build a relationship with his mistress that just relocated from out of town to live with him. They will be married within a year not doubt! I am just dealing with his (and everyone’s )unrealistic expectations as to how we are all suppose to just move on. I don’t know either! He expects our daughter for whom has not even met his mistress to be ok with having to live with her on the weekends! (I tried to get the paramour clause in the agreement but the lawyers said it would never go over in court or enforced and of course he wouldn’t agree to it)

          I guess what I am trying to relay is Yes I HATE HIM for what he has done and who he is. I am just baffled how some exes can remain friends. NOT ME! Unlike many posts, he is not an absent father. I have to see him regularly at school events, sports etc. He is generally there when is suppose to be (Even though he doesn’t ask her to do anything outside of the scheduled time now that his mistress is here). How do you move past the anger when they are always there reminding you of how they shit on you by walking out and cheating , all the friends he has, the charmed life we had and now for me is gone, the money he has from the life we built, his family which lives close by when mine is out of state, if and when I have to sell my house, figuring out a career and the shame I feel for the self pity party I am constantly throwing for myself etc etc etc.
          I am the fat one right now not him. I have gained about 20-25 pounds. Thats my first hurdle to concur. ugh!

          ugh! I am sorry I keep going on and on. This is all so consuming…especially alone on a Friday night!

          • My heart is broken for you. I know the rage of which you speak. It was the worst for me the whole first year, during which time I was horrified at the thought of my righteous anger being lost in a sea of voices telling me to suck it down and refrain from telling it like it is. So I wrote a blog, where the whole truth is documented and I can feel like our pain mattered. That it might actually help a reader that’s gone through it. It’s also written anonymously, so he won’t see it, and the kids won’t one day come across it. I’ve also gone to therapy, diagnosed myself with PTSD (which has allowed me to seek PTSD-related exercises, which help), gone to classes at my church about healing from divorce, and I can tell you that those things + the passage of time CAN get you through it with your sanity. But one piece of advice: use that rage fuel while you have it to change your life. Really dig in there and find out what your calling is, and use that fire to get you in the direction of a career doing that and only that. Don’t listen to the voice inside that nay-says about practicalities and fears and why you can’t do it. Make it happen. This is it, it’s now or never. Let this shove you violently in the direction of your dreams. It’s the only ancillary benefit you’re going to get from that much anger, so grab it and run like hell!

  • I kept it in for so long. My violent, drunk ex was diagnosed as bipolar at the age of 50 and while that explained so much I kept trying to “understand” him – he can’t help it, he doesn’t mean it, etc. He was usually in black-out when he hit me anyway and I made excuses that he couldn’t remember. But you know what, there was treatment out there, he could have taken the meds without drinking half a bottle of whiskey with it. To be honest, in his family they all have ferocious rages and tempers, which was such a shock to me because my family are all pretty laid back. So how much was due to his mental health issues and how much were FOO issues? I don’t know and I don’t care anymore. Deal with it asshole. He left me 7 years ago (I was SOOOOO grateful when he went).One time I had a friend over and was saying how my ex was basically decent but …. when my (male) friend just looked at me and said “no he’s not. Anyone who needs to beat women has never been “basically decent”! And he was right. The anger drove me to move on and have the fantastic life that I have now, but I must admit I am glad it’s subsiding a bit now. 7 years is a long time to be angry – time to move on I think. And in any case, he is the other bitch’s problem now. Ha, bloody ha!

  • So true! I was hit by a tsunami of rage about a month after D-day and took it out on any remaining possessions of my ex that were still in the house, including his $5000 road bike. My psychologist warned me about it before it hit, and encouraged me to have some strategies to channel it that wouldn’t involve police charges or professional deregistration. The punching bag was a good outlet for me.

  • I was so angry at first, I was literally in his face. I experienced white hot rage and he’s a good 8 inches taller. I wanted to scratch his eyes out. The anger would switch on and come oit of no where. I now understand crimes of passion. Cheaters aren’t worth it. Eventually it faded to pissed.

    Lately it’s sadness that someone could treat a human being in such s cruel way. Life continues to move forward. His loss.

    • My anger was insurmountable. It consumed me for a good 22 months non stop. Finally when I asked him to leave as his job had him coming in for a few days, then gone, it would all started over. There was no peace. Even to this day he says 2 things as, he’ll never “get over,” 1, I asked him to leave, & 2, I told him at that time I am no longer in love w him. OMG!!
      Finally 6 yrs he understand he should have been throwing himself under a bus and telling me he would understand if I never wanted to see him again, instead of,… “couldn’t I see how much shit he was going thur at the time to hold our family together… ress of 08, 9/11, son leaving for college, empty nest, etc.., I found myself in a mistake, it was an addiction..” yeah for almost 2 yrs…

      I ended up sitting at my kitchen table day in & day out w a friend who drank myself silly, as she is a wino who would come to my home at 9.30 am leaving a 4 pm herself loaded.

      It was horrible. I hated who I became. I hated the emotions I felt & how low I became. I became a despicable person, and full of guilt and rage why I couldn’t forgive and what a monster I became.
      MC kept telling me to listen to him, as he is still here, still trying to reach for me, he’s hasn’t gone anywhere. I need to listen to his story.
      The rage continued to get worst & worst until I almost took my life.

      What saved me I’ll never know, but I got to my dr, poured my heart out & she put me on medication.

      6 yrs later I look back and I can’t believe I went Thur what I did. I can’t believe the man I married 30 yrs ago would, could put me through the ringler all for his weakness of not being able to put the family he says he loved so ahead of himself.
      Our lives have never been the same, son almost failed out of university as he was so worried of me, hubs life is lonely, lives in a commuter pad, and I live in the martial home surrounded by the life I once had, alone w my dog, still so few friends, parents died during the 6 yrs, no sibs.
      The guilt is still with me, as I wonder why I can’t return to the man I once loved so very much, as he really had done an awful lot to try to repair the damage since.
      Sometimes things just can’t be repaired.
      We all live as broken selves as my son never thought held ever see his perfect world or perfect parent not be.
      It’s been very difficult.
      But the anger is gone, the rage left, I’ve promised myself I will let no one put me thur that again.

  • I envision anger as a tidal wave, you ride it, you peak and you come down to a beautiful, peaceful shoreline. Where a hunky man will hand you a cocktail ?

    • Love this thought, only I am so passed the stage of feeling like I don’t deserve anything good that I now want an entire tiki bar of hunky men handing me cocktails!
      It took awhile to understand why anger isn’t the first emotion. I still don’t wholly grasp it. What I do know is when I explain my situation beyond “I didn’t like his girlfriend” it usually starts with “someone sent me a photo of my husband having sex with a woman who wasn’t me from an anonymous email account and you know your first reaction in that instant is not righteous anger, it’s your mind looking to justify it with it must be from before we met, no he has grey hair here, it must be photoshopped, no signs of that, and your mind runs through all the possibilities before it gets to the truth, it is what it looks like. Then the hurt comes and you process that before you get angry. It’s not like the movies at all.” Everytime I tell that story the listeners eyes are nearly out of their sockets.

      • // , You have the courage to go beyond “I didn’t like his girlfriend” with honesty and understanding.

        It gives me a little less despair for the future of chumps.

        What others need to hear, they may not always like.

        But many may still respect the chance to hear what you have to say, even if they don’t like it.

        Preach!

      • That was me! I came across photos of X at an air show, hiking with another woman, as I looked at the photos my thoughts were, they’re friends spending the day together. X is showing her around the air show, how nice of him. The two of them arms around each other? close together? well, that was just for the photos. Friends do that…,
        Friends would say, really Brit?? yes, really, I didn’t understand why he wasn’t with me but he was suffering from grief of losing his Mother, everyone handles grief differently..
        I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it, I feel bruised from the betrayal but more anger and disgust at the piece of shit I married. X abused my trust, he knew how much I trusted him, that I had him on a pedestal and believed in him, how much I valued our marriage and our family. Yet he continued to slander my name with vicious lies to avoid anyone realizing just what a low life piece of shit he actually is. I meant nothing to him.
        There hasn’t been one moment of remorse or regret or pang of guilt as he spewed his bullshit in his relentless attempt to destroy me and leave me destitute. He’s incapable. Not one thought of appreciation for all I sacrificed for him to be successful, my support. X is everything CL listed above on this post. Feel free to add to the list of vile expletives and adjectives he’s all that and much more..

        • Another one of my many cringe inducing embarrassing stories happened years ago when the book “The Pilot’s Wife” was popular, (X is an airline pilot) friends who had read the book would ask me if I had. I hadn’t but I from watching an episode of Oprah, it’s about a Pilot cheating. A couple of friends asked me if I ever thought X would cheat, I was actually a little insulted, how could they think that my X would consider being dishonest. I politely replied no, not X he loves me and his family too much.., another time X was with me and I said something similar giving X a hug and kissed him on the cheek. One friend said, are you sure X isn’t that type of guy.., I should lend you my copy of the book. As X and I were walking away X commented that the book was trash and discouraged me from reading such nonsense and suggested I was too intelligent to lower myself to that level.. Me saying those words, X loves me and his family too much, haunt me and make me want to crawl under a rock whenever I see these people which thankfully isn’t very often,

    • I love it! Thank you for bringing a smile to my face on this dark day full of shit-sandwich eating! I thought I was past my dark days filled with anger, unable to keep myself from attacking the cheater with the worst verbal abuse I could muster. Today proved me wrong. I am still angry that he cheated, lied about it repeatedly, left me, and proceeded to tell me I pushed him to it. What!? Happy to let the self-centered turd go. But hoping I’ll get to the end of this wave soon. I’m ready for that cocktail! ?

  • I found my ex at the Gym on the sunday morning ( 5 weeks ago) with the “only a friend from work woman” , leaving my bed early to tell me lies and say he was having to see a customer early. I caught him there with her. Had left me twice since Sept and then came back since Sept when he quoted ” ILYBNILWU”, he went on to blame it on him being depressed and immature ! i took him back twice as the dutiful wife helping her depressed husband.!! JOKE
    From that moment that I left the gym after hearing the receptionships telling me they (my ex and OW) have been acting inappropriately for 3 months, and they have been watching them ( since Sept…what a surprise!) Anyway since that moment over 5 weeks i have heard nothing from him, he didnt even come home that day, moved straight back into his Dads spare room. No apology, no nothing…this is what makes me ANGRY the most, How can a loving man who said “all he wanted for Christmas was me “, not even call or anything, just ignored me from that day, no explanation. I also went NC from that day…didnt send one text to him and posted the divorce papers Monday. The day after the gym incident i happened to have a nose at his emails… he had already joined 4 hook up sites, one called NO HOLES BARRED….grimmm, it makes me wonder if I ever knew this man who I believed was everything. Anyway onwards and upwards…..

    • Moving fast, good for you Chumpalertearly! Look at it this way, his not coming home makes NC a whole helluva lot easier. Hell, exasshole refused to leave and that was horrible!

    • You didn’t know him. He’s an imposter.
      I thought I had married Mr. Integrity found out he’s the furthest thing from integrity and not even close to who I thought he was..

    • ChumpAlert

      After I threw the Limited out he broke in my home when I went to see my son in college. It was perfectly legal and I then I got a temporary order giving me possession to the home while we went through the divorce. Know that at any time he has the right in most states to return unless you have this filed this motion. It is a temporary order.

      Great job by the way!!

      • Mine once sent home the sitter I had hired and slept over with our kids at my house while I was on a business trip. He didn’t call me to ask first and I found out from the sitter. But he was saddened that I could not see how this was simply him trying to do what was “in everyone’s best interest”. Aww, what a great guy!

    • Chumpalertearly, mine was the same way. We had 7 years of marriage, 12 years of being together and once I found out about the cheating the asshole went completely silent. Not a single- how are you? What can I do to make this better? I am so sorry for my actions… nothing. He eventually came back around to try and create the pick me dance. Gave me the “I can’t live without you” speech. So watch out- this fucker may come back around with a million excuses and your chump heart will want to believe them. My advice though is to move that divorce along as quick as possible. Mine was agreeable to everything at first because he wanted to be with the OW, but then that wore off and he has been a nightmare. Use his lack of caring right now against him and get everything you can in the divorce. Go full court press and do it quickly. Also, be ready for the sadness to overtake your anger once he starts to try and get you back. But don’t let that stop you because unlike anger, sadness doesn’t make you take action. It just makes you sit in your pajamas, watch TV and cry. That is fine, but always keep your eye on the ball, which is to get rid of his cheating ass- you deserve better! You’re only 5 weeks out- hang in there. It’s a rollercoaster, but you’re not alone. Unfortunately we are all on the same ride. ((Hugs))

      • NotThisGirl – you make very wise comments and I’m sorry you had to go through all of that with a phony, soul-sucking coward whose whore wasn’t what he expected. Awww.

        However, there ARE the ones who leave us in the dust and never look back.
        It’s a tough ride, for sure, but it’s a blessing compared to the mind-fuck of a spouse who keeps coming back and fucks with your mind.
        Two different sets of thoughts. 100% rejection vs 50% rejection and keeps messing with your life the other 50%.
        I think I’d pick my 100% rejection over the pain of a spouse always giving you a gut-ache and keeping that roller-coaster going in your head.
        It must be a real true fucking of the mind.

        Sorry for my Canadian language.

        I wish I had more words other than N/C, which is hard at your early stage of settling things.
        But, the sooner you get off that roller coaster of a ship out of control, the sooner you can gain your bearings on solid ground.
        Damn, but it takes a lot of time and hard pain to get through.

        We’re all with you.

    • You’re asking all the right questions, Early. So sorry, but all you can do right now is not for The pain is all-consuming. Shower; go to work; post here; collapse – job done. You got this.

    • Too true – I think because of the initial horror of the betrayal you are in shock for longer than you realise. I think it has taken me a good year of dazed confusion and many MANY conversations that started with ‘I can’t believe he…’ add an endless list of crap events. Now it has turned to – ‘no more bullshit – I can expect nothing from this man except endless disapointment and self interest over the needs of even his own children. ‘ Also having to insulate yourself from well meaning friends and relatives who want to see you bypass the anger – because for them it’s not a pretty sight – well sorry – anger has a purpose – it keeps you walking in the opposite direction from the POS.

    • I have found after 2 years divorced that the thing that made me the angriest was ME! For being a CHUMP! I am happy now because I am no longer a CHUMP his mistress took my place! Not jealous of that??????

  • I definitely have anger. I am keeping it to myself for now. D-day was last November and though he has moved out we haven’t yet got a financial agreement written up and signed or a parenting plan or child support. All the things that I need going forward. So…anger yes, showing him, not yet. He knows it’s there but not the extent of it.

    • RollerSkater, I’ve felt your pain. STBX wouldn’t leave the house for 9 months after final DDay. Every fucking day I struggled to control my anger towards him in fear of exposing the kids to it and it affecting my visitation/ support plans, because STBX is a petty, controlling bastard who deliberately does things to make my life harder without caring how it affects the kids. Every time I set up or defended a boundary, he retaliated. He is out of the house but still manages to piss me off almost daily. I was venting to my mom the other day and she said “soon this will be over and things will be better.” Really? The father of my kids is suddenly going to cease being a narcissistic fuck face once the decree is signed? Only if he drops dead.

      • Same. Trying not to get caught up in fantasies of him dropping dead…but instead trying to figure out how to deal with reality. However, his passing would be better emotionally and financially for both me and the kids. Hell, social security alone would pay more than he will in support.

        What sucks the most is that I don’t like how I feel every time that fantasy pops into my head. Makes me feel like a terrible person.

        • Don’t beat yourself up–fantasies are merely cathartic. As long as you’re not actually planning concretely to harm/kill him, you’re fine. Now, should you find yourself searching for truncheons or crossbows on ebay, you might want to have someone talk you out of it ; ).

        • Getmefree I’m there with you. My Pastor reminded us it’s not good to gloat over your enemies pain. He said we shouldn’t be popping champagne bottles at their Denise. But I swear I’m not there yet. I know God will give my ex what he so richly deserves….!! He already has prostate cancer! But I too would be less financially devastated if he were not around..EVER!! But I’m not gonna do anything. Just gonna let God get him!! Lol

          • Tempest and Nutmegpixy
            Spending time in the fantasy does nothing but keep me stuck when I have so much to do (legally and emotionally) to get free of him. Plus, I truly believe that unless he changes (which I doubt), he will stand before God at the end of his life and the outlook is not good. That punishment will be far worse than anything I will ever get to witness.

            Here is where I seem to be stuck though. I am pissed at everything he has done and continues to do. He has now moved into devaluing his business assets and getting creative on trying to hide his income from that business. Just when I come to any acceptance of the crap he HAS done, he does MORE crap. It is a never ending cycle. And he is doing all of this on top of my having to deal with a 10 month old who has a seizure disorder which has seen her hospitalized 3 times since October. The sheer volume of paperwork and emotional toll between the two things is drowning me. I guess I am not feeling very mighty today and am simply wishing he would just go away…permanently.

            • I feel your pain. We must have the same ex. It sucks a lot. Im not much the way there myself but I’m a far cry from where I useta be. The improvements are tiny baby steps but they do happen. Hang on

              • Nutmeg – ‘He already has prostate cancer!’ I’m sorry to hear that and they do say it’s like standing on one leg, if you know what I mean. Tough diagnosis.

                The day our final divorce papers arrived, the X told me he was diagnosed with that and had to have the entire thing removed.
                I had read something just earlier. . . and, maybe it wasn’t appropriate to tell him this at the time, but the article was about how men can get Prostate Cancer from screwing somebody with an STD. (no real findings on facts, but I sent him the article to think about). Doesn’t matter. They moved in together anyway as I think she cares more about his money now than the sex. She’s his nurse….In his old age. Good luck, you little woosie ~ he was never good in bed and you sure did not change him. Especially now. Hope that isn’t TMI.

      • I cannot wish for him to drop dead because if he does, his pension payments will stop to me and that would suck!

  • 15 months out from DDay, and I still have’t really found my anger. Not really. Not properly.

    Despite being mostly no-contact / grey rock, I called the ex the other day about something negative he did in regards to our children. I was angry, and he laughed at me. If I ever have a genuine concern and speak to him, and / or get angry, he laughs.

    What is he trying to say / do? That I’m irrational? That I’m beneath him? That he’s cool and calm and collected, and because I’m not, that my anger means I’m stupid? That he can easily dismiss all of my concerns, or his wrong doings by laughing them away? I don’t know, but that’s how it makes me feel.

    • Have you filed yet? Are you divorced? His opinion of you doesn’t matter, be true to yourself. He’s an idiot trying to cover. Ignore him and let your attorney speak for you. If you must contact him do it only through emails. No chit chat for that fool or a chance at his manipulation.

      • I know this feeling. I hooked up with him a few times post d day and then told the AP he was cheating on her….that was my big revenge. She stayed….and now I’m thrilled she did. Karma.
        The rest was just fits of absolute rage when he would be so cold and dismissive of the pain he caused, even when the discussion was about our kids.
        This is why going NC and hiring a good atty are the two best pieces of advice you’ll get when going through the divorce/ break up.
        Anything else is a non starter.

        • Good that you told her. At that moment (and possibly still) she was desperate enough to take any crap just to hold on to him, but down the road it will eat at her and home life will not be sweet.

      • I’ve filed, but not divorced. I already pretty much was at no-contact, save for arranging his contact with the children, and when he stopped paying the mortgage (now a few months in arrears).

        The whole laughing at me when I got / get angry with him thing – I think over the years, it’s taught me anger is bad, silly. Of course, it could be a nervous laugh, but that’s not the impression I got, he always has come backs and my anger is never that intense. It’s like he’s trying to demean me and my feelings. I don’t know if it’s a narc trait or not, I’ve not come across it before.

        Has anyone else here had their cheater laugh at them when they get / got angry?

        • Yes. And smirk. After encouraging me to “vent my anger” then later criticizing me for expressing anger, concerned that I’m out of control. It was always a mind fuck, an impotent effort to hurt and divert my attention from his mistakes and errors. Keep with the no contact. He’ll never learn from his mistakes because he can’t see that he makes them.

        • Absolutely. And the next day I called my lawyer who called his lawyer. And I changed the locks. When he laughs, I do something that makes me feel empowered – it doesn’t matter what it is or even if it involves him/marriage/divorce. I change my furnace air filter. I pick out a color of paint. Something to remind me that I am not insignificant or laughable.

          • Ditto!!!! I text only what’s absolutely necessary. Tutoring, girl scout dates, ballet time etc. I will never speak to my kids father again unless one of them is hospitalized or in jail. And maybe not even then…..

        • Laughing at you when you are mad is a way to invalidate your pain/position, to show contempt for you, and thus to control you. It’s cruel.

          • In my case it was kibbles for him, my getting angry. He loved to elicit a strong response, any response, especially if I had not engaged with him in any way for awhile. It made him feel that he mattered to me enough for me to get angry at him. Gray rock is the only way to go. With kids, document what is going on. Contact your attorney if you have to.

    • Don’t let him make you feel that way, Off the Crazy Train! Of course he’s going to try to make you look irrational and off-kliter, but that’s only because he needs to justify what he did/ does to himself and others. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his need to appear ok in the face of ample evidence that he’s not. Briefly pity the person who has to work this hard to justify their image of themselves and keep up appearances before the world, and then whoosh him away from your mind. You anger is justified and righteous and helpful and a sign that you know what is up and what is down. You’re Off the Crazy Train, after all!

    • Off the Crazy Train

      Maintain contact with him through texts only. There is a website to document interactions that can be used in court. Perhaps other chumps with children can weigh in to give you the name of this site as I don’t have small ones at home.

      Undermining is an abusive tactic used by verbally abusive narcissists. Laughing, and making you fell stupid is purposeful and meant to harm. Put a stop to this immediately and put your concerns in a written format only.

    • They laugh because they are trying to belittle you once again. Fuck him.
      I don’t care about the asswipe anymore but when it involves the health
      & safety of my kids …. LOOKOUT FUCKTARD ….. anger is good

  • About a month after discovery, I found my anger. I had been crying all night over new revelations, sobbing unconsolably, having just found out about a child prostitute he had spent our last Christmas money on, when he came up to me and offered to give me…a hug. It sent chills down my spine, as if a shark had just offered me a sponge bath. I remember crying out like a wounded animal, stretching out my arms, and saying: “Stay the fuck away from me!” He instantly switched the channel to “I can’t deal with your crazy.” He’s been telling his family and friends that I am unstable. Frankly, never felt more stable. Anger has helped me stabilize and find my balance in the face of all kinds of emotional blows, it has protected me from further gaslighting, and it has helped me move forward. For what it’s worth, the therapist I saw in the throes of my PTSD told me during the first session: “Honey, hold on to that anger, it’s your best friend right now.”

  • X laughed at me whenever I showed anger, laughed in my face when I would confront him about anything serious. Yes, it is to show us we mean nothing, our anger means nothing to them.
    Who cares what a scum bag thinks anyway?
    It took me a long time to become angry and to see just what a vile human being X is.
    I’m finally there and he can laugh all he wants, now I can say with confidence I don’t care.
    Anger is something you feel that brings you strength.
    You care enough about yourself to be angry and feel anger and know they don’t deserve your respect or
    another moment of your time. No contact, let him laugh, he’s an idiot.

  • Oh god chumplady have you been reading my mind! I told myself last night that I need to stop being angry, why do I keep demonising my STBXW, is she that really bad? I could even hear her voice in my head saying…

    “You need to stop being so angry, you need to get on with your life and be happy and stop being so angry with me”

    3 years out and my anger is stronger than ever..I’m angry because she did all the shitty things cheaters do, you all know the stuff so I won’t teach you to suck eggs. The unfairness of it all really hurts right now, I feel like I’m in a boxing ring and permanently on the ropes, backed into my corner whilst she’s dancing around with all the Muhammed Ali showboating.

    – I have no money, I break even if I’m lucky most months
    – My ex has maintenance, receives welfare payments and her salary
    – My ex get maintenance from me because she has our kids 4 days a month more than me
    – I scrape money together to by daughter a dressing table for her room
    – My ex buys a new car
    – My keeps asking me when are we going on vacation?
    – My ex and BF are taking 5 kids abroad for a vacation
    – I love my kids, they are my world
    – My ex want to split them up and take my two youngest to a new school 80 miles away
    – I have a chumpy girlfriend who I love dearly but its so hard with 5 kids between
    – My ex has a BF who buys her all the shiny shit she needs

    Somedays i feel like i’m fighting a never ending battle and I feel so alone.

    • Sorry, Mickeyblueeyes. This sounds horrible. You have every right to be angry.
      Maybe find ways to create bonding fun that are not expensive – but that build good times, traditions and memories with your kids. Cooking projects, hiking, fishing, local museums, etc. Your kids (and you) will remember these and value these more than material things. Especially if you make them regular activities – traditions.

      • Thanks flowerlady – I do try, it’s not all doom and gloom, when my kids are with me the house is filled with laughter, I have a happy relationship with all of them..they don’t have such a happy relationship between themselves but who admits to liking their brothers or sisters 🙂

        Sometimes though its just hard trying to compete with vacations abroad. I’ll got a get myself a piece of 2×4 and whack myself with it.

        • Mickey

          For two years I struggled to support two households and provide for my adult son (a student at the time) and granddaughter. The fact he was taking the classless whore on vacations within a month of dday bothered me as for thirty six years he never once planned or contributed to a vacation. Looking back at I now I see how much better off I am three years out. Yes, I struggled but put my resources into what was important, myself and my family. It paid off in the end. All that sparkles is not real. Keep that in mind. Be yourself and do the things you enjoy with your children.

    • So sorry to hear that Mickey, but I hear you on the anger. As I mentioned above I spent so long trying to figure out why he was the way he was and what I did to deserve the beatings. In the end I just figured screw him and my anger just exploded and hung around for quite some time. Asshole left me with almost €300,000 worth of debt and flew off to the US with his new gf and a new life. But in the end I have my life back and my integrity. And Flowerlady is right, make memories with your kids that don’t have to cost money. If I lived in the UK I would join the National Trust – they have tons of places to visit/explore that I’m sure your kids would love. Hang in there. It will get better.

    • Sorry Mickey. I know exactly what you are talking about. What I do is just be openly honest and talk to my kids. They need to know. Just lay it out for them. Dad makes X and sends slunt X per month. I pay this, this and this for you. I pay for your daily needs. X is flashy because you send her money which it’s highly unlikely she spends on them. I have told my kids when they are with her to make her buy them what they need. If she waivers, tell them dad gave you X amount, where is it. Mine have actually taken food to mom’s house. I don’t care and never make them feel guilty. But there comes a point, they should ask mom what she does with their money. Money to support them. It’s “child support”. I can’t take mine on vacation either and have been very blunt why. Mom can go on cruises with them but can’t keep her fridge stocked????? They are just fucked up!

  • I’m 8 years out from D-day and still don’t think I’ve ever felt rage about the infidelity of my ex-wife. Enormous sadness, disappointment, and an overwhelming sense of waste (of love, of decades), especially when I consider how I chose THAT person to be my sons’ mother. They continue to suffer the consequences of my horrible decision. But I am happy, remarried, thriving, and indifferent to my ex.

    I have been told I “don’t do rage.” As if that’s a bad thing, like not eating my vegetables or not flossing. And I understand that rage helps propel many out of a bad relationship. But, for some, there is a legitimate path to meh and a new and a better life that doesn’t pass through rage.

    • I just realized that this post makes me sound like a robot. FWIW, I’ve also been accused of excessive sentimentality. My emotional reaction to the D-days, false reconciliation, and the destruction of my family was devastating, scarring, and continues intermittently to the present. It’s just that rage hasn’t been part of the range of emotions. Perhaps like a person who isn’t colorblind but has trouble registering one particular color (say, red).

      • Same here; 2.5 years (over 1 year divorced) I have never reached the “anger” stage and am wondering about that.
        Is it just not me, am I repressing? Yes hurt, disappointment, sad and amazed that he even cut his kids off. But anger….no.
        Sometimes I feel I should get angry especially because of the texts he is sending and the blame and nastiness that is being directed at me, but somehow I cannot seem to get angry – maybe I am just indifferent? Hmm no because his anger and contempt do seem to reach me so why can I not get angry and what does that mean?

        • I thought that maybe I was repressing anger, or it just wasn’t meant for me to be angry.
          The anger I feel isn’t having a fit of anger or becoming enraged it’s more of me finally realizing the extent of his cruelty and abuse and getting pissed enough to know I am undeserving of being treated so poorly. Regaining myself esteem and self respect.
          Sadly I allowed the abuse, in my defense it wasn’t something that happened over night, it was insidious over time. I gradually accepted mistreatment and verbal abuse as normal.
          I was brainwashed, the ultimate betrayal on so many levels. He took advantage of my kindness, my trust and robbed me of my innocence, my family and life as I knew it and “we” planned. He’s clearly a sociopath. His favorite reading material was on books on war and how to win wars, how to get into the mind of the enemy type reading. Evidently I became his enemy.

      • Nomar ive broken every toe on my feet at least twice one so bad in my fifties i lost a toenail. Destroyed two living rooms with a baseball bat all before i hit 22 was my rage a whopper or what. I would vibtrate from anger. Went to the dr for help. He wanted to put me on 10 grain valium. I knew then if i started taking them i would be on them til i died. I figured out a way to control my anger on my own no money for therapy. And i never lost my temper again until asswipe cheated. The dismissiveness, his anger, his complaints, his whining and moaning. I was numb to the bone, couldnt eat, couldnt sleep, couldnt fuction. Still i didnt lose my temper till about six months after d day. He whats the big dealed me once too much. I lost it, walked outside and began kicking and putting dents in her car! It was my car but the asshole gave my car to her. Nice guy not. Then he lied and i find out he hands credit cards on our accounts to her to use and she promptly maxed both out for the next three months. You see her ex the third one made her go bankrupt and huge credit card debt. Wasnt the ex it was her. But asswipe believed her. O find this out and lost my shit threw a toaster oven at his head. Missed but i threw it anyway. He got really scared never seen me that way in 27 years i was always calm and cool. Well i let the she beast out and she lost her shit. Now im not proud of it but i proved my point. I got a hold on my anger but let it simmer just enough so he could see it. I started to become indifferent and uncaring of that jerk no more sympathy no more ideas no nothing. The cool, wow, bummer worked and pissed him off. That anger helped me protected me and i slowly started to move forward and the slow journey to the meh. Im not there yet but im on my way the healing contines!!!

        • D-day #1 She was able to convince me that it was all innocent, there was no “other” guy, and I had nothing to worry about and we could work on us and it was going to get better and … and … and … I shouted and swore at her and she used it against me.

          D-day #2 (two months later) I uncover that there really was another guy and woman and another guy. She gets angry, blames me, and tells me I’m overreacting when SHE should be the one getting angry at me. I hit the wall out of frustration and a look of horror washes over her face. Really?! You’ve ripped my fucking heart out, lied to me, blamed me for your actions, betrayed our family, and me hitting the wall causes you pain?! Fucking Really??!!

          So she leaves for the night (after the police convince her to leave the house) and I go to the garage, grab my bat, and proceed to destroy her Pottery Barn catalog pages 16 & 17 perfect fucking house. Since my being angry doesn’t seem to make an impact with her, let’s see what demonstrating my anger does.

          $15,000 later, a written behavioral contract, a post-nup agreement, and a list of actions she must continually demonstrate in order to remain married to me is what I was able to extract by allowing my anger. Anger told my chump to fuck off. Anger gave me my agency. Anger has given me life.

          • Love this, BetrayedNoMore. What I would have given to have watched the show. I’m working on allowing myself to get pissed off whenever and wherever people treat me wrongly or disrespectfully. No more sucking it up and playing nice.

            • If I hadn’t been so concerned with being perfect I would have thrown one of his larger free weights at his head, attached to the weight bar, I’d be happy if I had smacked him upside the head with the first thing I could get my hands on. I needed to be perfect, you never know X might change his mind and I wouldn’t want to jeopardize that.., I was afraid he’d make me out to be crazy. He had been already started working on that campaign. I cared then, wished I hadn’t, not anymore. Trying my best to be perfect didn’t pay off.

      • Nomar, I never got to the angry phase either. I’m four years past dday and over a year divorced so I’m guessing it’s never going to happen and I’m okay with it. I did and still do get angry whenever something impacts my kids but as my kids are adults, that doesn’t happen as often as someone who is in constant contact through visitation, custody, etc. I don’t know why I didn’t feel it but since I’m well into meh and happy in my new life, I guess I didn’t need it to move forward.

        • I will chime in as well on never having achieved anger. It still bothers me…but I am 3 years out from Dday and two and a half divorced. It is comforting to read that others have not, as well. I feel I am missing some elemental piece of me. I am starting counseling again this month (took a year and a half break and feel I need more.) I need to figure a way to get him out of my head. There is Zero contact (adult children), but I still live with him daily in my mind. I am just exhausted.

          • Blown away, I’m 2 years post Dday and 7 months post divorce. Like you, I have adult children and no contact but still live with him in my mind. I too feel exhausted on days (lots of days lately) with him living in my brain and can’t seem to get the memories of the good life we had, mixed in with the sadness, anger, betrayal,etc of what he did to me and our family unit. Not sure if it’s the post holidays and the long New England winter but he seems to be stuck in my brain. I too, am thinking it’s time to see a therapist again so I can continue to move on and let GO!

            • I wish we could have coffee together…that is exactly why I am returning. This is such freaking hard work. I am worried about having to do the “deep dive” again and bring it all back to the surface, but if it will help me shut “this” all down or at the very least not let him in the door as often, it will be worth it.

              • Hard work is an understatement. There are days I feel like “girl you’ve got this – you are badass” but even on those days he still is still in the back of my mind and I think why, why, why? Is it because I let him live in my mind and have not gotten angry enough (yet I certainly have had anger/rage) or is this just how my chumpy self heals after such betrayal and eventually, I too, will get to the promise land of “Meh” and he will not be living in my head any more.

    • I too struggle with the fact that I chose THAT person to be my daughter’s father. How could I have made such a terrible choice? I was so careful, so analytical about choosing a spouse. And I fucked up anyway, despite all my analysis and careful choosing. She pays the price now. Pays with her gentle little heart for my horrible mistake. Its unjust and incredibly sad.

      • Last year I apologized to my oldest daughter that I chose a fuckwit for her father, but added, “But if I’d chosen anyone else, you wouldn’t be you.” And she is pretty terrific, despite her sperm donor.

      • The guilt for choosing the wrong man is horrible. My three little ones are paying for my mistake. ? I feel so horribly about this.

        • Oh yeah, me too on the guilt about choosing that man to father my kids. They’re doing fine now, but went through so much. And I worry about their future relationships….

    • I do do anger, and sometimes even rage. But I never got that angry at my ex, when I found out about affair #2 and kicked him out. As Nomar said, sadness, disappointment, and a sense of ‘what a wasted’ of time, love, and the good things we did have together.

      Maybe because I’d come to see cheater narc much more clearly, during the years of wreckonciliation, I didn’t need anger to galvanize me or propel me forward. I knew what I had to do. I didn’t want to do it, but I did it anyway.

  • In the first few months, whenever I’d get a dose of ‘maybe I should try one more time’, I would remind myself of the SEVEN years of cheating and then my anger would rescue me from doing anything I would regret. I put a message on the home screen of my phone as a reminder – ‘Remember your anger and USE IT!’. Every time I looked at my phone, there were my words of wisdom. I’m pushing through the process and my latest phone home screen says ‘Move on. You deserve better.’ And I will, because I do.

  • Anger burns so hot at first, then slowly turns into something else. It changes, evolves. It mixes in with grief and pain. Pain has so many forms, so many different ways to hurt. Pure righteous Anger protects us from some of the pain, as does shock. I understand the longing for Anger. It’s a safer place.

  • I now completely understand what would make Tiger Woods now ex-wife run after him with a golf club and smash out his SUV window.

    Rage. Rage at being lied to thousands of times and being cheated on.

    I was angry the night of D-day when I caught my now ex out with a former ho-worker. Then I went numb and chump-like. It took me six months until the anger kicked back in. In all my life, I have never raged until Easter 2015 (yeah, Easter). My exes mommy dearest accused me at church of “keeping the grandchildren away from their father and grandparents.” I spent the entire time of my kids life, trying to encourage both my husband and his parents to spend more time with them. So to be accused of doing something against my beliefs, brought on the anger and rage.

    Four months prior, my sister who was visiting me to help me out, said to me, “Get angry!” I could not at the time. I was in a fog. Just numb. Shell-shocked. But when the anger kicked in, it was fierce. The good thing about my anger is that it help fuel my move out of our home. My ex would not leave, because he had “his rights.” He didn’t give a fuck that I was clinically depressed. Couldn’t eat (I lived on whole milk for months as that’s about all I could get down). Our children were living in a tension-filled home. So I was filled with rage and the fuel from it helped me pack up boxes, move the boxes and get out new apartment ready to move in. My anger and rage also made me do a lot of things that were totally out my character.

    I’m rarely angry anymore. If I allow myself to think of the injustice, or him or his whore — the anger comes back. And that’s when I yell out, “Fuck off Cheater!” And if people are around, I just say it to myself in my head. lol.

    Anger is a beautiful thing. I stuffed my anger down for years. It’s no wonder that I had a recurring nightmare (that I haven’t had since D-day!). I’d wake up around 1:00am with my heart pounding out of my chest. Body frozen in fear. My dream was always about being all alone in the world, because my husband left me. I realize now that my body/mind was trying to tell me something wasn’t right all along! My body/mind knew I was living with a lying cheater, but the trusting chump me kept believing his lies when I’d find something damning out. From now on I trust my gut about people!

    • I also had frequent nightmares while I was married, and I had no idea whatsoever that my husband was a cheater. I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling like an evil presence was in my home, every deep shadow was threatening. It made me feel like I was losing my mind.

      Within a few weeks of him moving out, the nightmares went away and when I occasionally wake up in the middle of the night now my home feels safe and there are no more evil spirits lurking about in my imagination.

      It was him. He was The Evil. My brain was trying to tell me what it subconsciously knew. I have absolutely no doubt about this.

      • I have been morbidly fascinated for years by serial killers and what makes them tick. BTK, for example, appeared to be happily married with a wife and 2 kids. When he was finally caught, the only thing he said he would miss when he went to jail was his dog. I think about his wife and grown up kids often and wonder how they are coping. Can they look back and recognize the red flags, or did their lives just seem normal? I remember fearing I could be duped like that by my own husband, then shaming myself for such thoughts. Now that I know that two people I loved and trusted (my STBXH and his father) are living secret lives, these thoughts make more sense to me.

        • GorrilaPoop, I have thought of this too. Where I live, there was someone who was called “The Bike Path Rapist.” He not only raped, but killed women who were jogging on the bike path. They finally caught him a few years ago and he was the nice family man, too. All the neighbors loved him. I have thought about his wife and kids, too, like you said. I wouldn’t be surprised that they saw signs or something was “off” with him. I at times felt there was something off with my ex. Never could put my finger on it. It all makes sense now.

          • This is a terrifying idea, but it has occurred to me that if my deadhusband could carry on the whole double lief that he did (with me fully in the dark) he could have also done other bad things that I am not privy to. There was a time if someone accused him of a crime that I would have defended him with my life, now, if something came up, I might say “that is possible”.

      • Yeah, I have felt that way, too. That I was living with an evil person and I didn’t know. My ex-husband checks off each trait of someone with an evil heart from Leslie Vernick’s list. But he’s a “nice guy”, so how did I not see it? I just now trusts that he sucks and don’t try to figure it out anymore. And it’s amazing to me the nightmare is 100% gone. And this was a nightmare I was having for about four years prior to D-Day. I can’t tell you how many times I was up for the day at 1:00am, because I couldn’t fall back to sleep after the nightmare. Got rid of the cheater and the nightmare!! 🙂

      • Too true – I think because of the initial horror of the betrayal you are in shock for longer than you realise. I think it has taken me a good year of dazed confusion and many MANY conversations that started with ‘I can’t believe he…’ add an endless list of crap events. Now it has turned to – ‘no more bullshit – I can expect nothing from this man except endless disapointment and self interest over the needs of even his own children. ‘ Also having to insulate yourself from well meaning friends and relatives who want to see you bypass the anger – because for them it’s not a pretty sight – well sorry – anger has a purpose – it keeps you walking in the opposite direction from the POS.

      • This would be so interesting to find out how many of us had nightmares for YEARS about the subconscious truth. I am totally sold on the fact your body holds the capacity to read what your brain is obscuring with filters like excuses. I would even tell ex fucktard about my concerning dreams and feelings and he simply told me ‘women are mad’. The thing is – I don’t know of a situation you would act on because of a dream…. but still – pay attention to them!

        • My recurring dream (which ended after exH left) was wandering around terrified in my old middle school (as if middle school isn’t enough of a nightmare the first time!). I was looking for my locker, and then when I found it, I couldn’t open it. The whole dream had an intense feeling of dread and fear – and I’d wake up shaking, with my heart racing.

          Dreammoods.com says that “To see or use a locker in your dream signifies aspects of yourself which you have kept hidden inside. Consider what items and belongings are in the locker. In particular, to dream of a school locker denotes hidden feelings, knowledge, and attitudes that you need to learn and/or acknowledge.

          To dream that you cannot open a locker or that your forgot the combination suggests that you are unsure of where you stand in a particular situation. You feel you have lost some aspect of yourself. In other words, you are on shaky ground. If you cannot find your locker, then it symbolizes your insecurities about your role or position in a situation.”

          Spot on. Sleeping me had it figured out. Waking me, not so much.

          • Wow, this is really interesting. This is another one of my recurring dreams. It’s almost the same as yours, except my locker is at my high school. I love the dream interpretation. That totally makes sense. Now I’m trying to remember the last time I had this one and if this one stopped too after D-Day.

    • My sister was the same and when the rage came she cheered me on. She said it’s about time you got pissed. You don’t have to put up with this anymore. I even raged at the ex MIL for inserting her opinion into my life – I havent talked to her since – good riddance. Anger truly is a beautiful thing!!

      • I told my ex-MIL off, too. I don’t even miss any of his family. They are all self-centered takers. And toss in some liars. Good riddance. Life is beautiful when you are no longer being manipulated, lied to, cheated on and used.

    • OMG. I had this dream. I was paralyzed and there was an evil presence. It scared the hell out of me. I would tell him about it and he would tell me I was crazy and needed more meds. Yes, the abuse, the lying, the cheating. But then I got angry, really angry and I left as he begged me to stay (so I could continue being abused). I have never hated anyone as much as I hate him. He has kept up his dialogue that I am crazy and is living in a lush land of Switzerland where his friends and some of my former friends buy the lie. “He needed to cheat with his ex-fiance for two years because I was falling apart.” He sat and watched as I was dying from the inside out. Always pretending to the be the FUCKING HERO.

  • After 15 years of mental and emotional abuse, many Ddays, several wreckconciliations, me being a doormat time and again, doing the pick me dance, it literally took the final showdown of me catching him with OW and me banging on his door to let me in, and the asshole left me standing outside in the cold in the dark while he told the OW I was crazy and would eventually go away (this was during a time he was trying to “win” me back and move home – ugh these narcs!). The OW was the one to open the door as she wanted the truth finally as well. It was that moment of standing outside realizing I had allowed myself to be humiliated more times that I could admit and I FINALLY GOT PISSED!!! The fire he saw in my eyes that night must have scared the shit out of him. He died a month later and now a month out from that and I’m still pissed, I still don’t forgive him and I’m not sorry he’s dead. I’m working thru it and hope to get to meh but for now still pissed! Anger, in my opinion is a beautiful and necessary thing.

  • When he was mean and raged at me for years I was sad
    When he distanced himself from us as a family I was sad
    When he said he wanted a divorce because I was a “bad wife” I was sad
    When I learned there was an OW he claimed to love I was sad
    When he moved away and left me to raise 3 kids alone I was sad
    When he returned and acted like nothing had happened I was sad
    When he acted like a ratbastard in wreckonciliation I was sad
    When he died I was sad
    When I found photos of the OW in his office I was sad
    When I found proof that he lied to me about his affair and it was huge I was mad
    When I learned he was a serial cheater I didnt shed a tear, I was furious – not a fucking single tear

    I stayed really mad for 2 years and I think I found Meh on a Thursday. My dead husband was a serial cheater and my garage door is broken, what is for breakfast?

  • “Second, to get good and righteously pissed off at injustice, you have to value yourself. You have to operate from the assumption that you deserve better than this.”

    ^^^^^ Totally this.

  • I feel like the Hulk has nothing on me in terms of anger. I have felt anger at STBX for almost 4 years (though anger didn’t always prevent me from acting like a chump). It it too new agey to say that I honor my anger now? When she shows up unexpectedly, I have learned to welcome her first and then ask her why she is there. She has become my alter ego. After DDay 3, FF laughed at me for being angry (aka “losing my shit”). My anger leads me to my support network – friends, family, therapist, lawyer, chump nation) and it makes me MIGHTY.
    Since I have to coparent with FF, my therapist says I might always be well acquainted with my anger. (I have special needs kids that will require support beyond age 18.)
    Truth be told, I love my anger. She is smart and righteous and SO DAMN FUNNY. She has spurred me on when I felt beaten and exhausted. She is a cheerleader with an awesome right hook.
    (Maybe I should be an anger accessing consultant. I have this anger shit DOWN.)

  • I’d add that the anger can lead to productive forms of outrage: motivation for healthy exercise like never before, a new mindset when dating (feeling empowered to say ‘no thanks’ when you don’t feel a connection), courage to try new work projects, creative projects of all kinds (knitting? sure, I’ll try learning that)……

    It’s really life-saving in my opinion. At any moment of feeling low self esteem, I can channel that outrage and indignation and then I sit up straight, and face whatever challenge is in front of me like a beast. When you’ve been deceived by the one person you trusted more than anyone else, you’ve faced a certain kind of hell that turns you into a badass in ways you might never have expected.

  • It took me two long years to get to anger or should I say rage? That rage fueled me to do everything in my power to destroy the narc Fucktard in court – for four months I did nothing but focus on child custody of my son – it would be over my dead cold body that my ex would fuck off for the better part of 2 years and abandon our son to wanting 50/50 custody because he thought he would not have to pay child support. I have never felt anything like it – it was like slow simmering rage just waiting to volcano out of me and boy it it ever.

    I am thankful for the rage stage because I had been a verbally abused doormat for sooo long – I no longer knew who I was or why I allowed that POS to treat me the way that he did (and make me feeling bad about it – I actually believed his bullshit),

    The rage does slowly subside (it’s been 8 months) and I am slowly coming out of it. Rage/anger is a good and terrible feeling at the same time but it releases the toxicity of having lived with a douchetard for the better part of 18 years and I’m grateful for the rage because the rage has replaced the sadness that I had for my life and family falling apart because of a selfish lying POS who I now l no longer speak to and has been huge in me gaining a new happy life.

  • I read once that anger is your body’s way of telling you to protect yourself. So true.

    I’m 3 1/2 years out from dday, divorced, and have been no contact with ex for over a year. A few months ago, my daughter’s car wouldn’t start and it was parked in my garage. Her dad legally owns her car. Being a typical 19 yo, she freaked because she can’t do without her car (or phone, but that’s another story) and immediately wanted to call her dad so he could come over and look at it. I freaked at the thought having to see him and/or him at my new place. Anger is exactly what I felt. I went right into that hypervigilant state that we all know so well, looking for ways to avoid him.

    Fortunately, I was able to jiggle some wires around her battery and get it started. I told her to call him and let him know that she needed to bring her car over so he could look at it. He wasn’t home (8pm at night) but said he would stop by on his way home. I said no and sent her to his house to spend the night in case her car didn’t start the next morning. So my protection anger helped me dodge having him near me.

  • I remember getting a call from my lawyers secretary and crying my eyes out on the phone. This lovely woman told me to “get a grip” and just listen to her for a couple of minutes. She then proceeded to tell
    Me to quit crying over a man who was fully prepared to strip me of every dime and leave me homeless for another woman. She advised me to get angry about what he was doing or I would be sunk in this divorce. She was right! Once I looked at the situation differently it changed everything. I came out fighting for ME and made out very, very well in the divorce. Anger focused can move mountains. Don’t take the crap your cheater heaps on you and your kids! Be proactive for yourself and your future and come out swinging via your attorney. Believe me, your cheater isn’t one bit concerned about your broken heart or your feelings so turnabout is fair play. These cheaters are sharks who circle when they smell that blood from your broken heart. Quit chumming the waters for them! Get angry and use it to stiffen your spine or that cheater shark will consume you!

    • That’s beautiful! Thanks for sharing.

      Just before New Years, I was standing outside of Home Depot, waiting for the garden center to open so I could buy a few new plants. (I’m tackling some home projects as my New Year’s resolution to de-ghetto my yard!) A old guy with no bottom teeth was also waiting, and he started making small talk with me. Told me he just needed a bag of mulch for (whatever)… I said I was looking for inspiration for my pathetic yard, and he lit up, telling me all about his yard and how he was able to get his house because he’s a veteran, and how his wife grows mangoes and how he bought her a lemon tree and planted it in the middle of the yard.

      Then the garden center opened and we went our separate ways. But guess what? I bough a lemon tree! Told myself that 2017 will be my year for making lemonade!

  • I too had that sadness UNM. I was always optimistic and the one who looked on the bright side. Living with a sociopath took its toll after years of abuse. When I was forty one his actions made me lose the home I purchased working three jobs. I followed his promises, magical thinking, and future faking fantasies. The stress made me go through menopause at forty one and my hair started falling out. After all that loss he stated that he supported me my whole life and it was time for me to support him. I left him and unfortunately took him back months later. I wasted another fifteen years of my life.

    I had NO anger. My therapist asked me where my anger was and I felt dumb. Why wasn’t I angry? After I filed the Limited raged with his veins popping out of his neck. This one action made his mask permanently disappear. He along with the whore went for the kill.

    Suddenly he wanted my pension, the only asset I had after 36 years of marriage. This is when my anger kicked in. My children caught him in lies and called him on it. In the end he had to take responsibility for his credit card debt and kept a small IRA. The first year of filing his income taxes he had to take out a loan to pay his federal taxes. He is still paying on it currently. His rage and entitlement kept him from hiring a lawyer after his lawyer withdrew and I kept my pension.

    After the discard paralysis sets in and that vulnerability unfortunately is used to financially rape many chumps. I would suggest taking all financial documents immediately after dday and putting them in a separate location. When I combed through his bank statements and phone records I found hotel receipts, and had a paper trail of his cheating.

    My anger increased once I met this ‘dream girl’. They don’t leave us for others, they leave because they are disordered.

  • Kind of ironic that the revolving advertisement above the comments section is John Cena and the words “super strong “. Giggle. Good to read all your atories of strength.

  • I got angry and stayed that way for months. That angry drove him to his girlfriend’s house, leaving me and my son to fend for ourselves. The upside to this was it was easy to get the house during the divorce since he abandoned it. He tried to pull the whole “I’m so broke” sad sausage act on me, but I wasn’t buying a word of it. Even now, I just find a new reason to get angry at him. I’m certain it will stop sooner or later, but by then I’m sure I’ll be out of any danger.

    I’m done with him on the 13th and I couldn’t be happier. I’m stuck with a crappy part-time job and getting help from the state, but I don’t care. We all start somewhere.

    • Dem Hoez–you will rebuild! I’m sorry you have to go through financial hell right now. Congrats on your upcoming Friday divorce!

  • Anger does save you, as long as you don’t let it carry you away too far. There are days, still, where I’m glad I don’t see him or respond to his texts. He still plays the ‘Poor baby me, you hurt ME, too…’ BS. Meanwhile, I’m financially ruined and rebuilding, praying my vehicle keeps going until my credit is rebuilt enough to borrow at some rate below bloodletting. The car I used to drive away from our marriage is the first thing to go when the divorce is final. It’s the perfect metaphor for our marriage: rusting, always breaking down, worth less than I paid for it, stressing me out and nickel-and-diming me to death. Anger issues? Yeah, I got ’em. Can anyone relate?

    • Yes, but anger can be very constructive. I think my own anger is constructive 95% of the time. Post D-day and divorce, the rage propelled me emotionally away from my X. It permitted NO sentimentality about him or the marriage and, IMHO, helped me overcome the PTSD symptoms that I had suffered for the 6 months post D-day.

      Anger distances a person from the source of the anger (a good thing), motivates one to protect one’s self in relationships and during divorce (a good thing), and is a sign of healthy self-esteem–how DARE he/she do that to me, I deserved better (also a good thing).

      Very few positive social movements–women earning the right to vote, ending segregation, ending apartheid in SA, overthrowing dictators–were accomplished until someone got angry.

  • Good for you Dem.

    He’s broke? They aim to break us and cry broke. Down the road their actions keep them stuck and we get a new foundation to build upon. There is no shame in getting help. Take pride in knowing you are taking steps toward a better life.

  • 18 months out of D-day and after being really angry for a while, I got tired of it… it still flares up now and again. For a while, I would just let the anger roll…. along with the tears. My ex wife cheated on me and it was hard moving out and living in a not-so-great apartment while my ex enjoyed our really nice family home. I remember sitting in that apartment shouting and cursing and thinking all about what I had given. It didn’t feel good but it’s part of the process.

    Since we co-parent, interactions with the EX often annoy me. I’ve started living by the mantra, “FEWEST POSSIBLE WORDS.” Meaning, I am not looking to under or over-communicate as it pertains to our children… I am looking to be direct, to the point, and limited EXCLUSIVELY to issues pertaining to them. No chit chat about my best friend’s upcoming marriage, my family, how work is going, how awesome my girlfriend is etc. I really only receive benefit by sharing relevant co-parent details… even awesome things shared with your cheater feel very empty. I soooo love my kids.

  • Anger is there for a reason. You don’t just get angry because someone smashed your favorite coffee cup. They broke your heart, lied, didn’t care if they hurt you and blame shifted after getting caught.

    It is only because we are caught up in the web of lies and gaslighting that we are still trying to rationalize and explain the horrible situation. Like the Jews in concentration camps that ignored their dire circumstances. The horror is too much.

    When my brain finally cleared of the fog, I got angry. I am still angry. I am not sure how long the anger will last, but I don’t want revenge. I want peace. I want my retirement in whole, not splitting with the jerk that tried to wreck my life. That is my last hurdle. Other than that, I barely remember his name.

  • This. Exactly.

    Shortly after D-Day, I convinced my narcissist to come to a therapist with me.

    She listened to our story, and then asked me to come back to see her without my ex. Naturally, the ex was very self-satisfied, and I was very scared, both of us interpreting that to mean the problem was indeed with me being neurotic.

    I cane back by myself a day or two later, only to be greeted with: He is an absolute narcissist. You need to get yourself out of this, and you need to get yourself out of this now.

    She told me she was not usually so direct with people to just blurt that out, but in his case, from what he’d said to her, he was so bad that she didn’t want more time to go by before I got myself out of it.

    I was relieved she was so direct, and she must have felt I could handle things at lightning speed, because she started in almost instantly trying to detangle how my childhood and my relationship with my mom had caused me not to be able to see what he was like.

    She gave me a book to read that she was sure would remind me of my mother. However, she was wrong on this point. My mother is a bit self-centered, but by no means a narcissist, and now that I can see the ex for what he truly is, there is still no connection to my mother and her lesser brand of self-centered.

    In any case, one other thing the therapist told me I really needed to do was get angry… that until I did, I would never be able to get myself mentally out of the relationship. She had me do exercises at home where, when I would feel upset or screwed over by the narc’s actions, I would punch a pillow or hit the sofa, and let myself get angry about it.

    This technique of letting my anger out physically never really worked for me, but the point was well taken.

    I eventually quit seeing this therapist, I think she was going too fast for me, and her timeframe was stressing me out.

    But her points about my narc and about anger were not wasted. They stayed in my head and helped me in the long run not so much to get mad, but to get even… by getting myself out of that twisted relationship, becoming myself again, and getting a much more honest and better life. That anger helped me fight for what was mine financially and even helped me fix my picker… I think anger is involved in getting you gut instinct back… you become angry enough that you know you will never allow the wool to be pulled over your eyes again.

    It worked for he, but I think using that anger productively and only when you’re ready is key.

    Anger is only good when it is focused and used towards a positive end. And eventually, if not at first, you figure out how to use your anger wisely.

    • Same here, my therapist had him leave the room so he could tell me my X was abusive and I should take the kids and leave. I was in no shape to do that. I had depression and was barely functioning, but it started me growing and taking care of myself so I finally did leave, 6 years later.

    • Damn, I wish my Marriage Counselor had done that for me. Instead I spent thousands of dollars on “therapy” where the STBXH got a forum to insult and gaslight me post Dday with his twisted skein of fuckupdness. She rarely called him on his BS. I just wish she had once, in the many times we saw her, just whispered in my ear “run” as we walked out the door. I convinced myself we had a marriage worth saving because this “professional” went along with the narrative that the affair was my fault for neglecting him. ugh. Shouldn’t there be a code of ethics for MCs?

      I am angry now. At the cheater, at myself, at the MC. @#$Q#@$%@#$%!!

  • Anger to me has always been a switch going off. Real anger, not aggression, is when I turn inward and say fuck this person.
    The aggressive fighting, angst shit is really me just reaching out and being hurt, but when I’m angry I out smirk my princess, and she can’t see. I save ever penny I can. I slowly cut her out of all of my shit. I plan, and practice and wait and get my ducks in a row.
    Here’s the thing with these bpds and narcs, they are very very easily manipulated. To them it’s all about feelings, that’s why they love to keep you mad or sad or whatever, because feelings. Use your intellect to mirror back the feelings they want to see from you or that show you’re on their hook as you plan for their skull fucking.

  • 2 stories here.
    Me: never married the louse, with him for 10 years, he cheated on me with a stripper half our age. He has since been through several young girls (per louse, he will never again date someone his age). I was like the post, in denial, couldn’t hate, couldn’t even imagine it. It took about a year and now watch out, hate is abound when I think of him. I feel like I’m finally protecting myself from the louse. A little too late in that he has no clue how much hatred for him I have. We don’t speak and haven’t since I left October 2013.
    It feels good to me to have the hate for him right now…….it’s as if I’m finally letting it all out. Good for me.
    Friend: married to her louse for 13 years, he cheated on her with a person he later married about 17 years younger than him. It’s been about 8 years since her nightmare began and about 4 years since she’s divorced. She has NO anger. She only wishes him the best, only want’s the best for him, blah, blah, blah. It sicken’s me to no end. I want to shake her and ask her what is wrong with her?!!! I left out an important piece…..she’s still being mindfucked manipulated by him. He still mows her lawn, snow blows her driveway, spruces up her exterior with flowers etc. He contacts her every now and then as well. He tells her he’s sorry for what he did to her and he will ALWAYS take care of the man chores outside. She’s good with it and alas only wishes him happiness. She thinks my anger is ridiculous and that I’m not healing because I hate the louse so much. Really? And I think she has never faced the reality and totality of her situation and doesn’t look like she ever will.
    Suggestions to her?

    • You may want to warn her that he is keeping her as a back up plan when the younger new wife dumps his old ass. He’ll come with hat in hand, more than likely flat broke and up to his ears in debt. There is always something in it for them when they do something nice. How much did she suffer financially?

      • KBB…..through the years of marriage, I would say quite a bit. He spent whether it was there or not. She’s the total opposite who was always taught to save and have a nice nest egg. Unfortunately though, I suspicion if her were to do this like I don’t doubt he will, she’d take him back in a minute. I think this is part of the no hate sentiment she has. She doesn’t like to hear anyone else talk ill of him either. Sad to me, I hate seeing my friend still gobbling that shit sandwich he’s serving whenever he damn well pleases.

        this accidentally posted at the bottom…….oops!

        • Yup, he is keeping your friend on the line more than likely because he knows once the current wife figures out that the finances are limited (big spenders often tell big tales of their financial status) she’ll bolt. Most women do not marry older men for love and wouldn’t give them the time of day if they were flipping burgers. They marry or pursue for financial gain that is what they find attractive. Unfortunately your friend will never get it because it does not suit her fantasy of him coming back to her, such a shame.

  • I experienced the anger stage of grief.Had mental visions of knifing him in his bald head with an ice pick .
    However,the more I read about personality disorders,sociopaths,narcissists and those on the cluster b spectrum, the more I realised he was actually getting a perverse pleasure from my anger.It showed him I was not yet detached and indifferent to him.It was fuel for his monstrous ego,grade A narcissistic supply.So although I still felt anger and still do occasionally, if I dwell on the horror of how he treated me,I would never,will never let him see one flicker of emotion in me should I ever have the misfortune to cross his path again.
    Recently I read a blog by H.G. Tudor,narcsite.com.He is a self confessed high functioning covert narcissist,as was my ex.It gives a chilling insight into how the minds of these people work.Anger is fuel in their warped minds,so after a while I learned to vent my anger in ways that don’t feed that fucker’s ego.

  • Yes. I was away from home, among virtual strangers looking after my baby by myself, while the cheater lazed at home, trying to decide whether to ‘follow my heart or do the right thing’ (chopped liver, anyone?) and I had a blinding surge of anger. I wrote in a scrap of paper, ‘this is bullshit and I don’t deserve it’. That’s when I started threatening real consequences and he started boohooing about not seeing the kids. I wish I’d followed through on my badassery.

  • Still check in here from time to time – 9 years out from a complete and total fake life – exH had a girlfriend/multiple slunts our whole marriage. I was a joke; his whole family knew and helped him. He hasn’t seen our 2 kids in 9 years (I’ve only had to see him twice in court to renew protective orders). I love this site.

    It seems that the lessons here apply not only to infidelity but to all sorts of relationships and life circumstances. I found out a year ago at Thanksgiving that my now adult nephew had molested both my children when they were 5 and 8. I’m the single mom who super protective – I knew the statistics – so I was SO VERY CAREFUL and never let anyone around my kids…except family….and my teenaged nephew was the one.

    So, a year out, therapy for the kids and me, and they are doing well. Brave, resiliant, wounded but healing. And my fucked up family? They are PISSED. AT ME. Because I’m angry…”it’s a year already, can’t you move on?” “Your anger will hurt the kids more than what he did..” For the record, I was numb the first year. Couldn’t sleep…so very worried about my kids, absolutely…but also worried about my nephew. And terrified to tell my sister that her son was a pedophile…(she smiled politely when I told her and said “thank you”…no shit).

    I just started getting mad about a month ago when another family drama popped up (and I wasn’t supposed to be mad about that either). I don’t go around screaming..I rarely raise my voice. But I have decided that I don’t want a relationship with my siblings…I’ve established a boundary that I need to keep myself and my children safe. But I’m the crazy bitch because I don’t want to do Christmas dinner with the guy who molested my kids and the family who pretends it didn’t happen..

    I’m angry…super pissed…because my kids matter. And I’m finally figuring out that I matter. And that this shit isn’t ok, and it’s sure not acceptable to just pretend it didn’t happen, and let other little kids play with the kiddie molester…so that we don’t hurt his mom’s feelings or risk her wrath.

    I’m angry…and I should be. I asked my sister in law, after she asked me when I would just “move on” how long she thought she would be pissed if a 6’8″ man molested her toddler? She didn’t have an answer for that. Even God gets angry. And when bad people do bad things, that’s what good people should do. Just don’t expect anyone else to. And I’m learning to accept that…and I’m working on building a new “family” for my kids and for me – people who don’t look the other way when innocent people get hurt, or who defend the evil. Anger is mighty.

    • ReDefiningMe, I’m so sorry about the terrible crime your adult nephew committed against your kids. Molesting children is a felony and he will almost certainly continue to victimize other children. Even today, the option is open for you to contact the police and report him. I realize that would cause a lot of additional stress and heartache for you and your children….but getting the law involved would not be the thing that blows up your family of origin because your nephew has already done that with his evil acts. Wishing you and your children healing and peace.

    • Report the child molester and to hell with your sister and family. I’d scream it from the roof tops! Others may come forward. Let your children know they have nothing to be ashamed of (I am sure you have already) and their cousin should face the consequences of his despicable actions.

    • Good for you getting away from a family that caters to a pedophile and sexual offender.

      And please report that young man. Current estimates are that sex offenders molest over 100 people/children before they are finally caught. You could save many other children from this horrible fate.

  • I was never an angry person and that is still true. For over 30 years, despite some pretty bad treatment, I walked through life fairly sunny in disposition. But the anger was there and building and building … When the truth finally came out … I remained civil and controlled. Polite. I only yelled at him about 3 times total over a 2 year period. But the anger was there and it came POURING OUT of my pen as I sat and wrote that settlement agreement. I used every piece of accounting and tax knowledge I had and I raked that son of a bitch over the financial coals. If I had written it today, he would have been much more “fairly” treated. But I wrote it about 1 week after learning of his 30 years deception. Once I let it out, it was pretty tough to put back in the bottle. My CL posts of about 4 or 5 months back certainly reflected it!! Ha Ha. It is mostly gone now thank goodness. But I will NEVER regret or apologize for letting myself express the truth of how I felt. CL is right … it is fully justified anger. And it sure felt better than the agony of grief. So do get mad folks … it is highly therapeutic!!! And it can be financially enriching! 🙂

  • After not showing for his first scheduled court date, having it rescheduled, and then getting more time to find a new lawyer after his withdrew (slunt and limited yelled at her), the judge ordered a court date around my schedule and he would default if he missed it.

    There were hundreds of people waiting outside the corridor waiting to get into various rooms. My best friend was there in case I needed a witness. I went up to the asshole who wanted my pension and yelled at him for quite a while as he stood there like the wimpy coward that he has always been. My final comment was that not one of his children would respect him if he went for my pension.

    We met with my lawyer (he was representing himself) in a small room and he threatened to get an attorney. My lawyer said he had that right. I tossed him a bone and yelled that he would be an idiot not to take the settlement offer. Despite everything I knew, I couldn’t control the anger I had at his pure fucking entitlement and his lack of consequences or remorse that day. He took the offer and as we waited for the copies he approached me and said he thinks about me all the time.

    I’m sure he does think about me all the time. He traded loving, educated, attractive, and loyal for a used vagina. He lost his home and half his business due to moving in with her. His relationships are limited to a few hours a year with his children. Years of putting up with this asshole and he no longer has any power or control. Anger works, it gives us a voice and momentum. And damn if it didn’t get the fucker out of my life once and for all.

  • I was so numb when D day happened. For 2 years I cried and slept walked through my life ( we had separated and I was living alone). Then suddenly, it seems, I got really angry. I went NC and for the next 2 years raged about what had happened with close friends and when I was alone. I had lots of fantasies of revenge, but never did anything. Then, again it felt like a sudden shift, my anger was gone and I really didn’t care. I didn’t want to know about his life and I realized I really liked my life. I got my divorce (which he didn’t want) and felt a very deep healing. I expect the rage had to happen to end up here. There is no residue of hurt inside that I can sense. Doesn’t mean I will ever have any interaction with X, don’t want that or see any need for it.

    By the way, I was using the name Finally Free for a few months and then saw someone else using it. So needed to change it – Finally Free Heart.

  • Man, I wish I could bottle your anger, chumps. I’ve been out 2.5 years to the nastiest cheater in the lower 40… I STILL remember the good years.

    >>What is wrong with me?

  • Such a juicy topic.

    I suffered from some kind of debilitating inertia when i found out about my wife’s boyfriend. I found that anger provided a lot of benefits, but then best one is that it made me active, move and make decisions.

    Cheaters want you to be flat footed, docile and stupid. You cannot win with yours, you cannot negotiate with terrorists, you telling them to fuck off is your launch to freedom.

  • Anger is what lets you know a boundary has been crossed. When it’s not out of control (as in aggression or abuse) it is a healthy emotion that exists for a reason–it protects us. When people can’t get angry, I am concerned for them, as I was concerned for myself. However, anger sometimes gets cloaked by other emotions, such as irritability, or anger turned against the self, which is self-criticism or self-neglect. Anger AT your cheater puts the blame where it squarely belongs, on them and not on you. Some of us are so defended against anger that before we even feel it, it gets re-routed. It can be a lot of therapy to untangle your own skein, I know it is for me. Some of us feel it loudly, some of us feel it quietly, but I agree…find your anger fellow chumps! It sets you free in your heart and soul.

  • It took me a long time to feel anger. When I finally did, it dang near consumed me. I’d never felt that kind of rage in my life. The power of it propelled me to a new life. Without it, I was stuck.

  • I don’t know what happened to me, but I thank God for it. The first year of the marriage, I found his Porn habit and also uncovered facts about his being a serial cheater during his prior marriage. Something overtook me…I threw our coffee table…it should have gone through the wall at the force I heaved it (heavy quartersawn oak)…but the wall studs were built with 16″ centers…plus there was electrical wiring where it hit. When we speak of “white hot rage”, that is what I saw…the “white” part is real and I felt as if I was immersed in a blinding light that took my breath away. I never knew I had it in me.

    Moments later, NUMB quickly took over. Through the fog, I then hatched a plan which took the next 9 years to implement. He had spent the $100K I brought into the marriage paying off HIS prior debts (I had none), and then within one year, HE had accumulated another $270K worth of credit card debt…in a no fault State…much of it behind my back…but I was still NUMB nevertheless.

    I opened a business in my oldest son’s name, then moved into a rental house (while my credit was still intact), then filed joint Bankruptcy to put a full stop to his spending. I also began a private savings from my business profit. X had moved in with me during all of this…his ego could not take another public exposure/failure so early on in the marriage I suppose.

    Business was good for both of us, so we bought a house for cash (his idea, because I “did so well not showing my emotions since the table incident”…he felt safe with me since he suffered no further consequences). Spent another $175K cash fixing it up to be a dream home.

    Then I caught him with an AP. Still NUMB, but he suddenly became very afraid of me…thinking that I was plotting his murder it seems because I was so calm. LOL!! He left after being exposed (and after we filed), but I now own the home and my own business, and only have to see him once a year at the Paralegal’s office to pay him an annual $25K cash six more times for his share of equity. He ghosted me, and that suited me very well…because I also ghosted him since the day he left a year ago. I am still NUMB.

    I think the numbness protects me and I embrace it…because I do carry a hand gun and I know it would be easy to off him without that numbness being my friend. I do not want to find my anger…for MY sake. Last month while sorting boxes of papers, I found his cell phone records which uncovered his cheating during the first six months we married. Still numb where he is concerned, still NC and very happy and productive.

    • Stephanie A – I feel your pain. My anger was a monkey on my back for years. I would wake up in the middle of the night to rage – to an angry made up argument with my X. I felt like it was so ingrained in me that I had to actively fake it to seem like a normal person. I felt completely inauthentic if I wasn’t venting about my X. But I knew I would have no friends left if I did that so my anger went underground. I am much much better now and I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you better too. Time has helped. Venting my anger through journals has helped immensely. When I feel a rage now, I grab a notebook and write write write. Afterwards I notice the anger has dissipated. I validate myself constantly. If I have a angry thought I am kind to myself and end my sentence with “and rightfully so”. For example, “Oh my god I hate that mother fucking loser – I am so ANGRY…and rightfully so.”
      Validation is key. I do guided meditation off the internet. It gives me a break from the anger and it reminds me that I am still here under the anger. It reminds me how lovely peace is and that I do have some control to find that peaceful place.
      I don’t know how far out from DDay you are, but if you aren’t that far out, you must be kind and gentle to yourself. Give yourself all the compassion, understanding, validation, and kindness that you can. There is a part of you that is calm and wise – wake her up! She can help take care of the angry you. But of course you are angry – you are doing nothing wrong by being angry when you deserve to be angry! Just help yourself take a break when you can…. it is so lovely and peaceful and calm out of the anger cycle.

  • KBB…..through the years of marriage, I would say quite a bit. He spent whether it was there or not. She’s the total opposite who was always taught to save and have a nice nest egg. Unfortunately though, I suspicion if her were to do this like I don’t doubt he will, she’d take him back in a minute. I think this is part of the no hate sentiment she has. She doesn’t like to hear anyone else talk ill of him either. Sad to me, I hate seeing my friend still gobbling that shit sandwich he’s serving whenever he damn well pleases.

  • My ex cheated on me with family and destroyed my family.

    I went through all the phases but definitely got to MEH-LAND.

    Once arrived, it’s so easy to look back at it all with clarity.

    Once unfinished item though. The family member that banged my ex-wife. That dbag hasn’t crossed my path yet. I realize that giving this idiot the beat-down of all time would land me in jail. Logically, I know that but I’m not so sure I wouldn’t do it if he’s stupid enough to cross my path. And after the beat-down let him know that this may come again, at any time, without warning.

    I’m allowing myself the fantasy of kicking his sorry ass, and I get the ramifications of actually doing it. If he f’s up and crosses my path I’ll be like the guy in Animal House with the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other.

    I absolutely have no love for my ex and welcome this new life which is so much better, however the AP still pisses me off.

    • I hear you, bro. He’s giving you a wide berth. Rightly so. What a horrible guy. And it is a thing that he could come to you hat in hand and ask forgiveness. People do that all the time. He might even “deserve” an ass beating. How I wish some days Match Girl was a guy. Dang.

  • The final time I allowed Durt to come over to “talk”, which was really to try to get me to give him everything he wanted, I kept saying that we could let the judge decide on the things we couldn’t agree on. Suddenly, at the end, the evil sociopath came out, got in my face and screamed “you are a fucking princess bitch.” I was gutted. I tried to run to the bathroom, the only room that locks in the house, but he blocked my way. I tried to get to the phone to call the police, but he grabbed that too.
    Since flight was no longer an option, I went fight. i reminded him of just a fraction of the horrible things he had done to me, and every woman who has ever loved him. I had tons of ammo that he didn’t even know I had. Of course his mom, who was still living with me, didn’t know these things and she heard all about it. His response “hopium, you have anger issues.” My response “anybody who will ever love you will have anger issues after they go through the torture you put them through.”
    I try to avoid anger, but I am so thankful for it, because otherwise, I would still be married to the sociopath while he was off screwing the slut puppet and the rest of his harem, and throwing me an occasional “I love you with all my heart” bs. Thank you, anger!!!

  • Thank you. Feels like you wrote this column for me…
    You pointed well that it takes self esteem to get angry, to KNOW that you are worthy and you deserve better.
    You touched very well the touchy subject of victims of narcisistic abuse, who are robbed of their own self.
    It’s true, after anger comes acceptance (I’m trying to come to peace with what’s been done) and amongst this storm, there is enlightenment – it’s more like a side effect.
    Thank you for this wonderful family you have created here. To get truly enraged, one needs to have a guiding star. CN has been the star I looked at whenever I felt like I’m loosing it.

  • Hi All
    This is my first post here I have been visiting this site now for over 6 months and it has been my saving grace. I am 12 months from DDay…. My STBX left once I found out, blamed me and also our kids – which he told them to their faces ( I’m talking 14,13,11& 6 year olds)that it was our fault because we put too much pressure on him regarding our lifestyle (we were quite well off)
    I’m angry about everything…. The way he abandoned us all so quickly, the way he moved his AP ( who was married too) into our family home 3weeks after we left because of his threats and intimidation( I now have a violence order against) his engagement to her 6 months after we separated and her bragging all over town how they plan to start a family – he already has a family of 4 kids! Who he ignores.
    I’m angry that he fights me on child support as well as her organising it for him to object to child support . The woman had the gall to turn up to our financial mediation with her calculator and divorce folder!!
    There is so much I could write but I’m just sooooo angry to write it
    Holding onto my anger to get my settlement which he keeps delaying…. Wants me to pay half for divorce as in my country you can divorce without having financials settled …ridiculous
    I just want it sorted so I can get them out of my life and I can move on…I really want my Tuesday!!

    • Sorry you are going through this survivor 101. But welcome we are all here for you. Please post as often as you wish i love this place of support and healing. You will get through this!!!!

    • Surviver–do NOT divorce until you get the financial settled. If your STBX wants to start a family with OWhore (legitimately), he will need to be divorced from you. That provides you with quite a bit of power. He can’t settle and fund the children he’s already brought into this world? Then he doesn’t get to go create a replacement family. Fucker.

      • When did being legally married ever stop a cheater from starting another family on the side LOL?! Just saying.

        In Calif, we have a “bifurcation” option for those who want to end the marital status while still hashing out the Settlement Agreement. We cannot stop a cheater from using this legal option regardless of what the Chump wants. It is a legal entitlement here.

        • I agree with Sweetz–I have had a bifurcated divorce hoisted on me–and I have to pay thousands of dollars for it (as my attorney needs to appear in court) just so my STBX can emotionally ‘move on.’ (He is so eager to ‘move on’ that he can’t wait a few months until judgment to save our kids thousands of dollars. He says that he never wants to marry again, but I can’t help but wonder if he is in a hurry to marry his girlfriend before she loses interest–finds someone else to get her a green card?) I asked STBX not to demand this additional unnecessary hearing as it cut into the little money that I have left for our kids, but STBX doesn’t care. I should not be surprised–this is the same person who covertly withdrew our money from accounts to fund sex with prostitutes during our marriage instead of putting the money into our kids’ savings fund as he promised he would.

      • Unfortunately Tempest in Australia you only have to be legally seperated for 12 months. I don’t even have to signs my divorce papers as long as he serves me the papers legally to my lawyer, He will have divorced me. It’s that simple, it is ridiculous

        • Sorry you are in this situation, survivor101.

          Are you able to go no-contact, grey rock, and only communicate via email?

          • Thank you Dubious
            Yes we are NC, even his kids don’t have anything to do with him
            Maybe it’s to do with the fact he called the police on his own children when they came to speak to him (because he feared for the whores safety ?)
            That was the last straw for them
            After all he is the victim in all of this !!
            Please note the sarcasm
            Another trigger that makes me angry that HE thinks hes the victim- he caused it – wtf?

            • Ah, survivor101, he will create whatever alternative reality suits him and he will believe it. That is the land of crazy.
              Please don’t get stuck on whatever he throws in your way. Please focus on what you need to do. You’ll be the winner. There is an end of all this, I promise.
              It’s been 12 months for me as well since we separated and I’ll be divorced tomorrow. I’m the winner here.

              • Enraged – “He will create whatever alternate reality suits him.”
                Yes. And that reality will be so far out and ridiculous. It is indeed the land of crazy.
                He says the silliest things. When I then state facts he gets so mad and calls me names. I wish I could just not bite. They are in another sick, twisted world.

        • Hello from South Oz Survivor 101, there are a few of us here in the club none wants to join. Just wanted to say you are doing really well and some suggestions for you. I know it’s a pain but the first time he doesn’t pay the proper child support amount put an application in to CSA, make sure you put your tax returns in on time as this will accumulate his debt. He may not put them in for a few years but at some point it will catch up with him. The AVO is a powerful piece of paper, please make sure you document any dealings with him and keep your case officer abreast of the situation. This will ensure that you don’t have to share custody once he works out that you having the kids 100% will cost him. Make sure you note that he has not been a parent to them and it is not in their best interests to spend any time with him. If you have been a SAHM then there is both child support and spousal support in the mix and significant proportion of the house and super. Hopefully your lawyer has explained this to you. Unfortunately in a no fault country the fact that he moved her in 3 weeks after you separated and got engaged whilst still married is not taken into account but the documented impact this has on the children’s mental health and well being – it demonstrates that he is not a parent who puts the needs of his children first. Tempest has the details of a few of us, feel free to email her and we can exchange details. Still trying to organise a Aussie Chump gathering but in the mean time there are plenty of people just a phone call or email away. Hang in there and let that scary momma bear loose to protect the long term interests of your children. (((Hugs))), ps Voldemort brought Pigface to our mediation, expecting me to lose my calm but I just ignored her – that piece of shit is not worth my glance let alone realestate in my mind, they are just doing it to unbalance you and make you lose your train of thought, Go in with a plan and work it!

          • Hi Amehzing
            Will do what you suggested. My problem is he works in a family business and has gone from a $300 k a year Job to now $65 as he has depression although still kept job title and working fulltime! I know what’s going on but can’t prove the money is going elsewhere. Not much I can do?
            But I have the one thing he now wants and that’s his kids respect.

  • My anger flared like a fiery dragoness and ordered the fool out pronto.

    I no longer have anger…do mayhem fantasies count?

  • Survivor101, I had to contend with an OW who thought she was going to make all the decisions in my divorce also. By the time I divorced I had been married for nearly 41 years and it seemed the OW just hoped I would float away like fairy dust. I managed to opt for mediation and she was NOT invited. Of course I don’t know where you are, but I am in the US and I can’t imagine a scenario where the lawyers and mediator would even tolerate the OW being present! I would tell my soon to be Ex and his lawyer that the OW stays away or there will be no mediation at all!

    • I did Reberta in not a very lady like way!!
      And she was not allowed in but she sat outside waiting and did lunch and coffee breaks with him
      He can’t even face me by himself – Gutless pig

  • It has been said that cheating makes the innocent spouses go thru the 5 stages: denial, anger, regret , grief, depression and in no particular order and intensity. Some will cycle through the various stages and spend more time on one particular stage rather than another. I think of anger as one of the stages, neither more important nor necessary than any of the other . I used to feel intense anger and regret. 5 months out, I find all the emotions lessening overall in intensity. and they also tend not to last as long as each episode hits. Although of course, there are hard days when I think to myself that “I am having a really hard time”. the lack of anger is also, perhaps, a sign of advancement on the road to meh? after all, meh is a stage of not caring really what happens over there. And anger seems to me to be caring a lot, still. Anger was necessary for me to take action in the initial stages – to say heck it all, you want your OW so much – then go! I don’t need a coward like you and the kids don’t need such an irresponsible father (my kids are 11 and 15 . Marriage is 19 years). Righteous anger gave me the energy to get a kickass attorney , get my divorce papers and now I am free from this nightmare of a marriage and complicated mess . Rather, I feel mainly a cloud hanging hanging over me, a sense of bleak depression, lessened enjoyment in things which I felt passionately about. I feel angry for him taking away my joy in life mainly, reducing me to merely trying to get by day by day. The deep sense of injustice I feel seems to have dissipated somewhat, again I feel that it’s pointing at meh. On a ethical level, there is no doubt that what he did was unforgivable and wrong . The abandonment of the kids for OW and her 2 kids was also unexplainable – I can only surmise that he has very bad character and total lack of empathy. So, no , the anger has not flared up for a long time. it’s more grief and sadness which I find that much harder to handle really.

  • Some people may be holding on to righteous anger as a means to remind themselves of the injustice inflicted upon them, to not forget, to not forgive. Because as time and distance grows, anger does grow dimmer, pain recedes, sadness dulls. But holding on to too much anger can slow down one’s journey on the road to meh. I am not saying to forgive the bastard or wish him and OW a ride into the sunset, but just to sit with one’s pain/anger/regret/grief, no denial, no suppression. Working through each emotion as it taps us on the shoulder, or hits us in the gut. When one thinks of it, humans are the most evolved species on earth and why? because we have learnt to survive through whatever means – and humans are by far the most predatory of all creatures and capable of terrible things and also acts of enormous kindness. what am I getting at? given the spectrum of human character, why should it surprising that people can and do betray, cheat and lie their way through anything to get what they want? so it comes back to the argument that we have no one to blame but our bad judgement in picking our partner. I blame myself, esp when I look at my kids. if you are still feeling angry after many years, it does not bode well for your emotional well being. By all means, throw darts his picture, go for a kickboxing class, cry it out – anger has to run its course but do not feed it. remember that meh is a state of nirvana from the cheater – he can’t touch you anymore! and meh does not mean forgiving. At all. We can move on, without forgiving.

  • I felt no anger whatsoever toward ex for a very long time. LOTS of anger towards OW and even more towards MIL. But mostly deep depression and grief over the life I thought I had and lost.

    When anger finally came it propelled me into action. MEH would not have happened without it.

    Thank God for anger.

  • Unfortunately for some of us that righteous anger could not get manifested while the the POS was still in firing range and before the full range of lawyer could be realized. I was late to the realization that my x was literally a lying scumbag and did not recoup the majority of my losses to his indiscretions. I may not have been able to recoup those losses to hookers, Ashley Madison,self-absorbed toys for POS, etc.
    But the rage after the fact makes me aware that I’m worthy. I matter. x may have blown our money, did treat me like shit, did treat my (all he did was donate the sperm) children like shit, crapped on my dreams and more…but he no longer controls any part of our lives.
    Righteous anger lets me know that no human being is more important than another. I will respect anybody in a high political, judicial, business, or social parameter but intrinsically no one person trumps another.
    Anger lets me know that I have no less value than any other human being.
    Rage lets me know that no partner is allowed to belittle or subjugate me. And it lets me know that I cannot witness this in the relationships of those I love.

  • Not five minutes before seeing this post, I came across a trigger on Facebook that sent me from weeks of sadness/numb acceptance to absolutely freaking livid. Perfect timing for this one.

  • I was afraid that if I expressed my anger to XW she would leave me. Hey knucklehead, she already did leave you! Just because she is there doesn’t mean she’s not gone. Man, was I a chump.

  • Has anyone else’s anger been reignited post presidential election?

    I went through my anger which turned into a raging purge and then it simmered. Now it’s back, full force. ARRRRRGGGGH!

  • Anger was the fuel I needed to leave the snake and to ride out a divorce he made unnecessarily complicated. When the rage was running low, out came my own form of music therapy, ragey metal songs that kept me fired up….

    But now? I am largely at meh where the snake is concerned. There’s a peace that comes after true catharsis and the end of his bullshit. Life is better, and I am not bitter.

  • I have been angry for 8 months straight since dday. I am not an angry person and don’t enjoy feeling angry so for a while I would try to fight the anger and talk with my therapist about how to stop being so angry. But I realize my anger definitely has a purpose. I think due to not trusting myself right now there is a part of me that fears if I do let go of the anger I will be manipulated and gas-lighted again by the monster. My anger helps me to see him for who he really is.

  • I have never, ever let my XWs see anger from me about this. It would just feed their egos. In fact, I thanked one of the OM for taking my second XW off my hands and allowing me to divorce her without anyone questioning it.
    In fact, I remain angry , to an extent, about the theft of my time, the effect on my kids, and the overall injustice of this.

    But, in reality, I really must admit that a large part of me breathed a sigh of relief when I discovered the cheating. Not just for the confirmation that I had not , suddenly, become paranoid ( gaslighting, anyone?) but due to the fact that by the time I found out, my XWs had been so emotionally abusive that it was a relief to get out.
    I cannot date the onset of the cheating exactly. So, I do not know if this abuse stemmed from the cheating and the usual abusiveness that accompanies it or it they were abusers right from the start ( shortly after the marriage this shit started, but, perhaps, so had the cheating).
    I see this pattern in many relationships with the disordered, the initial niceness during courtship and the change to abusiveness after enmeshment.
    But, I really think for these NPDs , showing that they had any effect on you satisfies them immensely.
    I think I learned how to not demonstrate the effects when I was a kid and my drunken dad would start abusing me mercilessly. It enraged him further that I would never cry as he did it, and I got some small satisfaction out of that.
    Fortunately for my dad, by the time I got to my late teenage years and had the capability of beating him senseless if he tried this shit, he had stopped drinking and stopped this crap. Most he ever got was a one time beatdown when I was 15, after he approached me from behind to backhand me across the face when I turned toward him.
    At 15 , it was sort of an even match. Later , as I continued to grow and get stronger due to playing sports and working out a lot, he would have suffered more damage.
    Interestingly, that one time when I bloodied his mouth was in close temporal relation to his decision to stop drinking.
    I sort of regret that it did, as he had some more beatings coming, but I could not justify them ,as he turned semi- nice.

    • Arnold – exactly! Showing them that they have any effect on your satisfies them immensely.

      They get a sick thrill from it. There is no normal conversation with them. Just dealing with their demands and enduring bullying and drama and tantrums when they don’t get their way. And when you bite into their drama they are loving it. Power and control. When you get upset then they cry how ‘mean’ you are – when they’ve destroyed a family.

      My stbx says the most outlandish stupid things to justify his cruelty. He left me, our child and the dogs for 22 y.o. They moved in together within a month. In court papers he stated that his gf contributes nothing to household (she makes good money – they both do). But he is so mad that he has to pay me spousal support on top of child support – he says I need to stand on my own two feet and stop being a freeloader. Ummm – He walked out on a mortgage and camper payment….. I worked full time all those years and supported him in all of his expensive hobbies, raising our child, – I’m the one who takes our child to school, does homework, meets with teachers, is in communication with teachers, I’m the one who goes to the parent teacher conferences – he went to two, I think, over the last 9 years. But since I made less money than him I am worthless. I have everything I have all because of him!!

      Anyway, I ask him how come his gf gets to be a “freeloader” and not contribute anything to his household? He gets so mad when I point out his bs.

      So he says he will kick me out of the house – make the judge sell it – make me go into an apartment while he buys a new house and takes his dogs!

      His dogs? The ones he left a year ago and doesn’t even ask about? The dogs that sleep with me and our daughter every night, the dogs I take to the vet, groom, clean ears, feed, walk, take for teeth cleaning, surgery for tumor (he never asked how our lab was doing after she had surgery)…. But he says they are his dogs and he’s taking them.

      Such drama like a spoiled toddler.

      That’s all they want to do is take. What’s theirs is theirs and what’s yours is theirs, too.

      What’s funny is I actually made the same amount of money he makes an hour. But he can put in 200+ hours a pay period whereas I can only do the standard 80 hours in two weeks.

      • You have this right, Findingpeace. I think it is too bad that some of the betrayed do not realize they are providing some sort of kibbles by expressing their anger, but I understand it is difficult to restrain oneself.
        As I mentioned, I had some practice at this due to my childhood and I think my training as a litigator has also helped.
        In fact , this training made me acutely aware of how to avoid one of what I see as the big pitfalls that some betrayed people fall into in the aftermath of the discovery of the cheating: the “fundamental attribution error” phenomenon.
        Essentially, it goes like this: Betrayed person discovers the affair ,and, understandably, reacts in a way that is out of character, perhaps rage or erratic behavior.
        Well , to outsiders, and particularly outsiders who have been fed a line of BS about your nature from the cheater ( to justify, of course), all they see is the reaction. They do not recognize the stimulus ( the abuse of cheating and gaslighting) that has led to this behavior. Thye merely accept that this is who you, normally , are and it supports the cheater’s version of you.
        Classic example and a simple one that I read: Your child begins choking in the backseat of the car. You start driving like a mad person to get to the hospital, running lights, speeding etc. Outsiders see a maniac driver and just assume you are a reckless, uncaring person. No knowledge of the background.
        As a trial lawyer, for whatever reason, I was acutely aware of the fact that people would be watching me to see how I would act. I think I realized it was likely that my XWs had gone on some pre-emptive smear campaign designed to impress outsiders with the justification for cheating. I knew how I reacted would be an important part of preserving my reputation and negating the smear campaign.
        I was very fortunate as both my XWs’ families knew me well and had observed how , throughout the many years of my marriages I had been a good husband and treated my wives well.
        Unlike some of the situations I have read about where families rally behind the cheater and accept their lies, these families stuck by me, ostracizing the cheaters and not accepting their affair partners or the lies that were told.
        But, I have had to warn several of my friends who have gone through this, particularly the male victims, that they really need to be aware of impression management, as society readily accepts allegations of abuse or neglect. So, do not go off on these cheaters, ever.

  • Years ago, when infidelity rocked my world to its core, I was completely blindsided. I never saw it coming. For months, I was barely functioning. But then, I got angry, really angry. I remember how some told me that I should try to eliminate the rage, that it was unhealthy. Though it hurt like hell to feel that, I remain convinced that you have to go through it to get to the other side… not over it, not around it, but through it. It is my belief, many, many years post infidelity, that the anger… the rage… is normal and to be expected. In fact, I would worry… and probably distrust… the emotional stability of someone who never experienced the anger. Anger abnormal? On the contrary, I find it completely normal. What I find absolutely abnormal is the social media public displays of affection between cheater and spouse merely weeks post D Day. I’m not married to these folks, but I do know delusion and insincerity when I see it. I shake my head when I see kissing photos and displays of shiny wedding rings…..

      • I left him live, which was testament to my restraint. I can laugh now, but it was not funny at all then. When he penned his note, and stuck it to our bedroom door, he left in quite a hurry because he had to do it between our lunch hour ( I had been home with him to eat lunch) and before I arrived back at 5:30. He was certainly not up to the task of speaking to me to tell me he was leaving… not nearly enough guts for that. So, since he left with only his clothes, his lawyer asked for a list of things he wanted from the house. Ten speed bicycle (handed over with no tires on the rims), sleeper sofa (given to him with no mattress inside the sofa), oriental rug (handed over with all the fringe cut off around the entire rug), Turntable (given to him with raw shrimp put into the underside of the turntable, just for good measure!!)… you get the point…no actual harm to anyone, just enough to let me work through some of my anger!!!

        • I love it!! I would never hurt anyone either. Even though I fantasize about a bat and his nice truck getting to know each other. I was just wondering bc I have been brainwashed/counseled to be the nice girl and the good samaritan. versus the scorned one. So I am so f…ed up in the head as to how to express those feeling outside of my walls.
          I honored him by keeping his first affair a secret when I was 6 months pregnant. Well, not anymore! Only the honorable are to be honored.
          I want his family to know about the first one. But, not sure. It won’t change anything and will probably only make things worse. They believe their beloved son when he tells them he wasn’t having an affair and that was not the reason for the divorce. I would love to tell them their wonderful son has a track record of infidelity.
          He told me and others he was going to leave me anyway. Really? Blindsided! We just did our estate planning, built a full blown backyard kitchen and pool and started looking for a beach house a few months before he came home and said he wasn’t happy! He said he did those things to try to find happiness. Really!? How about finding your balls and being courageous and communicating how you felt so we could work on our marriage versus walking out.
          I just want him to hurt as much as I am. But I guess you have to have character and a soul to feel shame and regret. He will be in the camp that never feels any of those.
          His motto is ” Don’t look back only forward!”

          When I read other posts, my visions of these men are horrible. I am not sure where my ex fits in. (I know what you are thinking, remember the first one, how many more??).
          Is it possible for them to do these things and still be considered decent good men?

          p.s. I pray I get back to the bad ass I was when we met. I was the catch and he was the bartender. He wouldn’t have been half as successful if he would not have met me.
          I fear I am going to be the old and bitter one while he is flying off with his new mistress wife into the sunset (to some wonderful destination)!

  • I am so hurt that I can’t differentiate between pain and anger. And now that he moved back in (even though he “loves the shit” out of the OW), I don’t want to the kids to hear me get angry, even though they know he is leaving AGAIN (piece of shit).

    I am having a hard time going from hurt to anger, and I’m having a hard time with the images of the lovey dovey texts I found. He loves her to the moon and back – which is what he says to the my daughters. I told him to not EVER use the same vocabulary with the girls that he uses for that vile piece of shit.

    I am so frustrated, hurt, sad, and scared about money and the future and being ALONE while he fucks around with Miss Fake Tits homewrecker ashtray smelling cheap clothes mother fucking whore.

    Lawyer on Monday (but did schedule an extra consult with another lawyer on Friday just for the hell of it).

    Advice???

  • Well, my ex Satan pulled those stunts too. I left his ass in the dirt. NO more being a CHUMP. He thought he was some kind of sexual demi-God, Mr. Show Boater Asshole. He stole from every business partner he was ever with, wrecked other peoples marriages, hit on younger women left and right, had 2 sexual harassment suits held against him at one of his other companies, ruined his families credit, owed banks left and right, abused alcohol, porn, and drugs. Just an overall PIECE OF SHIT human being that thought the world, women, his clients, his neighbors, fake friends (of to which he has no real ones other than ones that he drinks with that are also middle aged bum losers that have been divorced 3 or 4x because of excessive cheating), owed him. Everyone owed him and life wasn’t fair. It was totally unfair and a bitch to him. Yet, he failed to see ever how he was such a selfish, immature, erratic, ass clown of man to everyone. I don’t even call him a man, I call him an immature boy. Real men don’t do what he did. He was stuck in a perpetual immature age in a man’s body. Never in my life have I met someone that would lie constantly! Use women! Manipulate clients! Try to lie to loan officers (again as if they are dumb enough to not look up his shitty credit.) He thought everyone was dumb, stupid, naïve, useless, worthless, and beneath him. He is nothing but a collapsed narcissist now sitting in damn bar drowning his sorrows. Why? Because reality is real, his fake lifestyle caught up, he hurt everyone all the time and people got fed up with hit. These types do it to themselves and then expect sympathy? Sympathy for the Devils? I don’t think so. No more CHUMP! His only love was him starring back at himself in a mirror and I hope him lifting all those weights and trying to look good constantly that he blows out a left nut and gets a hernia…sorry that’s not nice, but he wasn’t nice either. He RUINED LIVES! All about image, status, money, power, and sex with him. No true intimacy with people, no true friendships, no true love and understanding only everyone was a means to an end. All about HIM HIM HIM. Did he ever for one second stop to put himself in other peoples shoes? Stop to think stealing and manipulating clients was wrong? Overspending $ to the point of utter abandon was wrong? Womanizing and hurting women was wrong? No! He wanted $, he wanted power, and he wanted sex. So, I’m glad to be done with hit. He RUINED lives because it made him feel better about his own. Sad, but true. Good luck to you all! Sorry for venting!

  • Now we are in the bullying stage. He went to his lawyer on Friday but didn’t retain her. He said he wants tonget his ducks in a row first. He emptied one of our accounts. He is gross. I can’t look at him without picturing him with his ashtray girlfriend who speaks like an illiterate. I still have pangs of horrific anxiety amd am dreadfully scared for my kids. I can’t believe he came home and totally fucked me over.

  • I’m truly sorry for what you are going through. NarcHole had OW (women) plural. He was feeding everyone a line. His best stunt that was the final wrecking ball and set me over the edge was him trying to bust up marriages, hitting on single gals at restaurants, wooing naïve ones, him hitting on married or taken women left and right and come to find out on business meetings he was telling some of these women that their husbands or men they dating were losers. That he was better off financially, sexually, spiritually for them. As if he was some kind of God. Seriously, very malignant and sick. It makes my blood boil and now I have to go outside to get fresh air and contemplate the good things in life instead of him and his PIG self with an apple in his PIG mouth with horns sticking out of his head. Good luck to you all. Hopefully, the big man upstairs has the final say in life.

  • >