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The Power of Ridicule

Yesterday’s post we discussed the “I Fail to Understand Your Hostility” mindfuck. I suggested that when faced with gaslighting the best thing to do is disengage and stop trying to help the manipulator “understand.” They understand perfectly. They’re mindfucking you. Take it like a nice agreeable little chump, won’t you?

I left off another powerful tool when faced with IFTUYH — ridicule.

Frankly, of all the arrows in your quiver against mindfuckery,  laughter is the most powerful.

When you’re heartbroken, it hardly feels like a chuckle fest, I get it. But the sooner you can tap into the utter absurdity of the situation, the faster you will heal.

And that begins with seeing fuckwits as the pathetic, ridiculous creatures that they are. Please divest them of their power — LAUGH at this shit.

Laugh at them. To their face.

Narcissists HATE this. I think they hate it even more than no contact. With no contact, they can imagine you still care, that you’re just too torn up right now to speak with them, you were going to take the bait, but you fell into a canyon and were unable to answer the phone…. They can continually delude themselves that you’re still kibbles.

But when you ridicule a narcissist? They can’t pretend. You’re no longer kibbles, you’re kryptonite.

And come on, cheaters give you such a rich vein of humor! The Stupid Shit they say, their utter predictability, their pomposity… You will NEVER run out of material. NEVER!

Cheater: I didn’t answer my cell phone because I was sleeping in my car. Yes! In January. In Vermont. I don’t like your insinuations!

Chump: HahahahaahhaahHAHAHAHA! OMG you must really think I’m stupid. I hope your nuts froze off. Poor Schmoopie probably had to shave your back hair off so you could fit into your snowsuit, you poor benighted sod.

Now, admittedly, this is engagement — and after you land a few zingers, do go straight on to no contact. But what ridicule communicates to the cheater is — your mindfuckery will not work here. Move on. Also laughter shifts the power balance from the cheater (who thinks his lies are convincing, and doesn’t really care if they’re not because you’re beneath him) to the chump (who refuses to bow down and accept this shit). Narcissists are incredibly thin-skinned, so to point out some mortal flaw — like a tufty back that must be frequently mowed — is wounding.

Duck, because narcissist rage comes next. MY BACK IS AS SMOOTH AS A BABY’S BOTTOM! HOW DARE YOU!

Oh you dare, all right.

I would just add, about CL and CN, that the special sauce here is ridicule. When I was pitching my book, I pointed out that most self-help is dry and earnest. Infidelity, frankly, is absurd on so many levels. Yes, it’s abusive too — but isn’t every tinpot dictator a joke? Nothing helps you take back your power like snark.

So the next time someone tries to mindfuck you? Laugh. Laugh hard.

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  • Hmm please be careful with this one! In my experience narcissists react extremely badly to any form of criticism, let alone humiliation through being mocked through laughter. As Chump Lady says, narcissistic rage is bound to follow.

    • Yes, EUKC…I new there would be hell to pay but I decided to pay whatever was coming to have a chance to say my piece. The original premise is true, that laughter nips a lot of their shit in the bud…

      My parents are narc/BPD – my dad doesn’t ask for stuff, but mom does… When I had 3 little kids and worked nightshifts to feed them, my mom suggested that I pay for her (who lives in a $million house but doesnt work because its beneath her) and dad to get a $2000 membership to an exclusive restaurant club. Oh the tirade I could have gone on, but instead I just laughed. end of conversation.

      • I’m with Unicorn on this one. Don’t fear narcissistic rage. That gives it power. Laughing in the face of it shrinks, shrivels its power. Ridicule works. It shows them that you are unafraid. and that rage they feel is your being unafraid getting through their thick skull.

        • My narc could never win with his words
          I was atop of his games
          but I know I was beyond them
          I was a step on his toes tho
          so often his rage is always there
          I think I’ve already mocked and laughed at him too
          his rage is violence pure and simple physical
          because he knows I cower to it eventually if not at the beginning in my defenses
          I use the balls often and he retreats
          but there are times when all confidence not taking jack shit
          I was right in his face when he blew off his top
          and I squared him to the wall by his throat
          the fear in his eyes was pricless
          He was also 10 fold afraid of the police that I used only once which kept him violently off me but he uses his flying monkeys then to do his dirty work
          my breasts my head and neck arms everything was physically forcefully attacked by him
          I thought I was going to die for example when he slammed my head like a hammer of the ground and I counted 34 blows
          So when you say don’t be afraid of his rage
          I say somewhat
          be afraid
          you don’t know what they are capable of

          • lb, please keep yourself safe or get yourself safe.

            Not all cheating assholean idiots are violent, but those disordered sorts down the far end of the narcissistic spectrum certainly can be, particularly when their “property” starts looking like it might walk away. That behavior may emerge subtly over time or only at the end of the relationship, but when it does it is time to reach out to the nearest domestic violence center. Don’t become a statistic. Hugs to you.

    • I agree – if you are co-parenting with one of these creeps, NO contact and laughing to yourself is much better than every laughing to their face. The best option is to live as good of a life as you can for yourself and your kids and enjoy parenting the kids. Please don’t engage with someone who can abuse your kids. They WILL ABSOLUTELY WILL take out any ego injury onto the kids.

      You are typically right on chumplady, but I respectfully disagree with this advice. No contact and MEH

      • Now if you have no kids and they don’t have access to weapons…laugh your ass off at them…for me please. : )

      • “Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.” -Margaret Atwood

        The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is AFTER you leave. Better to go ‘Grey Rock’ and be pleasant and civil if you have any concerns about your safety.

        Ridicule is powerful. But safety is paramount. I felt weak and stupid for being so accommodating to my ex. He deserved ridicule and devastation for cheating and lying and being a terrible, abusive person. But I was mild and fair because I was afraid of him. I still don’t know if I did the right thing, but standing up to him, even in small ways, just magnified all of his anger.

        • You are alive, guest, so you did the right thing for you at the time. We all beat ourselves up a bit about coulda shoulda if only I woulda… But, it isn’t too late! Sharing your experiences here, now that you have time and distance between you and your cheater helps those who are new to a) feel like they are not alone and b) realize that it is survivable. And, you can make fun of your ex with help from some very funny and sympathetic people.

      • Yep, I wouldn’t ridicule to his face, I’ve got a good 14 years before my kids are officially adults. Until then, giving him the false impression that he has something over us gives me more freedom. I ignore, NC, and laugh to myself, but also feel sad for the kids that I chose this idiot to procreate with. Live and learn.

    • Yes, I naturally turn to ridicule as a defense mechanism but it always triggered rage and it has been used against me. He is the poor victim of my disrespect. He whinged in MC that I sniggered at him. I corrected him and said no, I don’t snigger, I sneer at this ridiculous crap. That got the MC against me as well. A no win situation for me. Away from him, with friends, or here on CN, it helps so much to laugh at the horrific shit they do and say. We all understand each other. With the cheaters, it’s like trying humour on a charging bear.

      • Kiwi? I have thought a lot about marriage counseling and how it was such a disaster for me. And I’m not exaggerating here. I get it about the counselor turning against you! Just when we need their help the most!!! So terrible.

        I read that when this marriage problem shows up, the first thing the MC should do is call for sex-addiction testing. I would add that the best thing for the chump is abuse therapy. That’s what I went for, and it made all the difference.

        • QueenMother, we are long past that, MC ended over a year ago and he is gone. I am glad you found a counsellor you are happy with. After my experience I would say don’t do MC with a cheater, end of story. A few of my friends have had the same experience with MC following cheating. Waste of time. But if you do go down that road, make sure the MC is not a cheater supporter and that first and foremost the issue of your hurt and the disrespect inflicted by the cheater will be dealt with. Cheater has to repent and make amends. It is up to them to fix the damage they have done.

    • I’m afraid I agree. My niece left her abusive and cheating husband in November. On Christmas day, her husband came to her door and asked for a reconciliation. She laughed at him and said it never going to happen. He became enraged and beat the living crap out of her, putting her in the hospital. I understand the need to laugh but some people are not normal.

  • There was a time, right after Dday when he was still hiding many (most) of the lurid details of his life and he was cruelly mindfucking me and anything I said resulted in harsh repercussions, but while out on a walk during one of the few actual “discussions” we had immediate post bomb drop..

    I was reflecting on how much OW was trying to change him…he was a Marine from a a rough and tumble hoe town and had fought in war and she had bought him eye cream, fancy tea, …he was Fred Flintstone looked like the “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” posse was after him. So as we walked along, I threw my best zinger of the whole damn experience….

    “I guess Susan isn’t going to stop until she has fully changed you into a Seattle sissyboy”

    mic drop.

  • I gave this approach a test drive during the height of my chumpdom. It wasn’t planned, reasoned or even intentional but boy oh boy did it work! I used it on STBX and her AP. Drove them both nuts; more effective than anything I’d tried before or since.

    • I’m strictly No Contact, the path to the truth and the light with Narkles the Clown but……
      I have to say this approach works well with narc co-workers. Now that I can spot them pretty easy (thanks Chump Nation!) I will zinger them when they show themselves. Case in point a co-worker was trying to brush his work off on me, so I loudly declared….
      Gosh Bob, are you sure you want me to do your work? I know you told our boss that I did a bad job on my last proposal, the one that got us a million dollar contract, so are you sure you want to risk it?
      Exit Bob, with angry face. Snickers from the surrounding cubicles.
      They’re narcs, they’re already out to mow down everyone else to prove they’re Sparkly, why would I help them do that? I’m done with that shit.

      • Nice step there, AllOutofKibble!

        Yes, I can spot the Narcs now too. It seems like every social / work group I am in has a narc, at least someone on the spectrum. I am really trying to figure out how to deal with these people in the most effective and benign way.

  • This one I actually use quite often. I remember laughing in my husband’s face and asking him if he really thought webcam whores were impressed with him. Like – did he really and truly think he would have any shot in hell with one of them first of all, and who the hell wants a woman that makes a living my sticking her fingers up her vagina while men watch and pay her five cent tokens. I laughed so authentically one of my kids said from the other room, “Yay, it is good to finally hear mommy laugh again!” My husband was mortified because he realized 1) I was right and 2) I really was laughing in his face. I then went on to say how webcam whore was also laughing at him for spending $100 to masturbate on camera while she masturbated on camera. What the hell is that? You really paid her $100 for you to f**k yourself? At least Aldis gives you a discount for bagging your own groceries!

    It felt so good to tell him just what an embarrassment it all was, and he has been groveling ever since. Guess he realized what a huge fantasy it all was. Now, I just break into the “It sucks to be you” song for his daily groveling sessions.

  • “But what ridicule communicates to the cheater is — your mindfuckery will not work here. Move on.” and “Narcissists are incredibly thin-skinned”
    I was just having this conversation with a friend who says I should let the ex know he is an asshole. But I think that being an asshole is it’s own special reward. I’m not trying to fix him, that’s why I divorced him but I have no idea why I can’t be snarky. Argh, I must be more of a chump than I thought 🙁 or maybe I’m just at Meh.

    • I am naturally snarky… I come from a family of 4 daughters and am well versed in snark and put downs and poking the soft underbelly. Can you outsource ridicule if you feel like it would be helpful? To friends or family or here? Maybe there should be a “make me laugh” thread in the forum. If I could rent out my family for snark I would!!

    • Rachel
      I can be sarcastic but try not to be. Two things; one I know nothing I do or say is going to change anything that has happened or anything about him. He is who he is. Two, I think chumps are naturally kind people who find it hard to ridicule people even people who have hurt them in the worst ways. I would find it hard to ridicule anyone. It’s all that bloody empathy we have.

      • Ridicule is aggressive. Humor — often the best humor — has veiled anger. Anger at injustice. Think of cultures with great humor — Jews, the Irish — they suffered hundreds of years of oppression. You have to look at the skewed power dynamics and laugh.

        Is it nice? No. But neither is being shat upon.

        Overall I’m in favor of civility, NC, and meh. But I am not opposed to landing a few zingers at them or ridiculing cheaters to your closest friends and fellow chumps. Or anonymously on boards like CN. It’s therapeutic, IMO.

        • I’m savoring the memory of when I pulled my pants down and bent over to shine the moon on him.

          I laughed. He called me “childish.”

        • I absolutely agree. I think it points to a difficulty I have. I still find it hard to show him I am angry let alone let my rage go.
          I’m afraid still I think of not being loved or even liked! Even by him!
          It’s my fear that keeps me in my box as it were. I admire chumps who just locked their cheater out of the house or threw their stuff out of the house. I am still keeping some stuff for him and I would not be able to just put it in a storage unit and tell him. I still fear his disapproval let alone any rage.
          We will all know when I can be openly hostile that I am truly on the mend.
          My financial dependence is another block to me telling him exactly how I feel.

          That’s why here is so therapeutic for me. The open rage, the swearing, the ridicule, the necessity of all of it to be expressed. I live vicariously through mightier chumps and tiptoe behind.

          I think you know exactly when and how to engage with these disordered freaks and when to walk away. I’m just not brave enough yet to face him head on in this way. Maybe it’s just too soon for me.

          • Capricorn, you have mentioned your financial dependence before, and your fear of unhinging him since he will pay the mortgage. I hope you will find a way to free yourself from that and have the means to pay your own mortgage. Having that sword hanging over your head is too much!

            • Kiwi.
              You are right. I actually went back to work yesterday. It’s volunteering as a counsellor until I get the rest of the hours needed to get my accreditation, probably one year and then I can apply for jobs and start my own practice. Then I can start working my way back to financial independence. I was a SAHM for twenty years so it is going to take a little time.
              But it is my focus.

              • Well Cap, that is a great focus and a great plan.

                I especially like, “and start my own practice.” You go girl!

                I did the same thing, starting my own business amidst the divorce. I was actually more frightened of the divorce than failing at my new business.

                My mindset was just set at determination and that failure just wasn’t an option.

                Also, by having your own practice, that will also give you the extra freedom to run out during the day to take care of your boys. 🙂

              • Cap

                Where do you live? In MI you can work under supervision for not great wages until you get your full license. I too went back to grad school during my divorce. I’m 4 months from my full license and opening my own business

              • Great news Cap, I am so glad you have a plan to regain independence from the cheater. That doesn’t change what he owes you, it’s just to sleep better at night! There was a thread yesterday on the forum about how hard it is to rejoin the workforce after years at home and when we are middle aged or older. So I am glad you’ll be able to be self employed. It’s a real challenge and a great adventure.

              • Capricorn, congrats with the first day at work even as a volunteer. For a counselor like you, I will cross the ocean!

                I hated it when I was financially dependent on him. Although I worked shorter hours I could not make as much merely because I did not speak the country language well enough so I was limited. He never failed to mention this fact and that he was the sole provider blah blah. Did not matter that I did everything else myself. Even in the last 6 years when I was firmly on my feet and working and he was just transferring to my account not even half of our son’s expenses he maintained that he was supporting us and working his ass off. Travelling and fucking around was just a side effect of his free time I guess.

                They use and abuse our civility. I also struggle with anger issues in that I can’t express enough. But I feel I am becoming mightier every day thanks to CL and CN. You will too.

        • I am still afraid of my X. For a moment of ridicule on my part, he would take that as license to rip my innards out. It isn’t worth it to me.

          But once, he made fun of the university where I had just received my master’s degree and a pretty prestigious monetary award. As I was walking out the door one day he said, “Heading up to [University] State High School?”

          Me: “You mean where I just got my masters?!”

          Him: Jeer face.

          Me: “Ooooohhhh burn! It took me less time to earn two degrees than it took you to earn one. Only you would take ten years to get an undergraduate degree in unemployment! Bwhahahaha, you majored in loser.”

          It was the most satisfying thing I ever said to him throughout our nasty divorce.

        • Me to x about AP: (ridicule portrayed as “kindness”)
          “Well, She’s not someone I’d like, but I can see why you like her. You two are SOOO suited to each other! I can’t think of two people who deserve each other more. It’s great ye found each other “!
          ” I know now you and I were never suited!”
          The. Look. On. His. Face.
          Priceless!!
          He dumped her 2 weeks later. She was 4 months pregnant!

  • Hahahahaha – laughing is like therapy except better. The first and last conversation I had after filing was about month after signing and the first thing he said “You keep being a smug bitch”. Me: OK – and then I laughed and laughed and laughed. CL is dead on as usual – they HATE when you laugh at them which of course brings me great joy – I could almost see his miserable scowl through the phone. Laughing heals the soul – I can even tell my story noe and laugh at how fucked up it is. Hahahaha – I can’t believe I put his shit. Bye Felicia!!!

    • Ohhhh and when they call you to rage. Silence as they rage followed up with “Are you Done?” Followed up with a laugh and then a dialtone. He’d call my cellphone, my house phone and then my cell phone again – no answer (I was too busy laughing at his dumbass – rage away asshole to the dialtone)

      • One time while going through the divorce my husband called to rage just as I was getting in the shower. I put the phone down on the bathroom counter and left him to enjoy himself. I figured he’d eventually realize I’d quit listening and hang up. When I got out of the shower he was still talking to himself. It was hysterical that he’d spent 15-20 minutes raging with no one listening.

  • Oh this is so true!

    One of the few times I saw ex genuinely angry, and not the irritated “you won’t stop scoring points and being a bitch about this” angry was when, about a month out, I asked him when he came over for some stupid reason, if he’d come to his senses and thought about everything he was blowing up. He said in this ridiculously sappy tone of voice, “I love her and just can’t get her out of my heart.” After I picked my jaw up off the floor and bit back a laugh because this man couldn’t be sappy and romantic and mean it if his life depended on it, I replied, “Oh I got it. So your poor widdle feewings and two wuv are more important than the woman you’re supposed to love, the kids you’re supposed to care for and protect and the life we’ve built together? You can’t get her out of your heart because she’s a cancer with little hooks and she has been to every man she’s fucked… I mean loved.”

    Even I could see how red he got, guys, and he fumed about my mocking his feelings. I replied that his feelings have made him this stupid so damn right, I’m going to mock them, and then I went back to our children and gave up because I’d had it with his stupid 80’s hair metal rock band lyrics for a fucking justification.

    I’ll never forget that bullshit excuse and eventually she’ll find out there’s just a frozen void of nothingness where he claims a heart should be. And she’s genuinely unbalanced and violent on top of it all, so that will be interesting to say the least. I was warned from several women in my coping with divorce group immediately after D-Day that eventually he’ll try to come back especially if things go south, but I don’t think he’s that stupid. He pushed us out of the black hole he calls a heart and we’re happy to stay here.

    Can’t get her out of his bank account or her bacteria out of his nervous system, he means. Maybe all that rot in her vag has spread into his brain like syphilis. It still makes me smirk to this very day. Bitch, please.

    • He said in this ridiculously sappy tone of voice, “I love her and just can’t get her out of my heart.”

      I think part of the problem is that because these morons can’t process adult human emotions, they look to examples like movies for how emotions are supposed to work. And they believe that other people’s reactions will be as scripted in the movies. When a main character says something sappily romantic like, “I love her and just can’t get her out of my heart.” the violins swell dramatically as the character makes a brave face, and the camera cuts to the next scene of the (obviously not deserving of love) chump spouse meekly moving her things out of the marital home while saying, “I wish you the best of luck.”

      The problem being that the cheater is not a character in a movie. This is real life, and sappy, dramatic bullshit is not a good reason to blow up your family and life.

      • What is it with narcs trying to be movie or tv characters? I swear one narc I know tried to look like Ragnar on Vikings. A couple of others say things straight out of a movie, like they are so profound or something. So obnoxious and really weird.

  • This is a great point. Trying to reason with my X never worked. I can say that the only times he truly looked hurt was when I made up ridicules stories to fit the scenarios he was telling me.

    Like: “You were so torn up that I didn’t fold your underwear correctly that you couldn’t help but book a plane to Miami where you fell out of the plane and landed on a cruise ship while your pants were down and just happened to find your ex-girlfriend with her pants down – it was an affair miracle!”

    I was having a good time making up stupid stuff and he looked dumbstruck!

    • Dday….when we…errr….I was talking (ok, growling)….I asked is it her or me? He said he didn’t know. (In my brain there wasn’t a choice to be made…he was out of here.) I asked, so when do you think you will know? He said he didn’t know. (Now I’m trying to remember which shelf held the Hefty Bags.)
      I said guess!! (I’m thinking do I throw his crap out of the front door or the garage door.) He said when I get back from RI. I said really? (Long pause for effect.) I said tell you what, I will help you. (Wearing an evil smile at this point.) GTFO NOW!!! I ran into the kitchen and I thought I heard him say “bitch,” I could be wrong……I was in a rage. As I was tossing his crap out, he step in the way and I yelled, duck “BITCH!” Then I started to laugh in his face. He should have been a contortionist…I didn’t think facial muscles could twist like that! And she lived happily ever after, BITCH!

  • I didn’t laugh but I definitely had the “You must think I am stupid ” reaction when Rhys reached out after several months.

    • Yes, I often have a sarcastic turn of phrase that I almost just can’t help, especially when confronted by stupidity, or when my knee-jerk ‘you didn’t/can’t expect me to fall fall this bullshit line of reasoning, did you?’ response is activated. On D day, after Cheater had tried to weasel out of our relationship with the ‘you were so meeeeean to me’ line a few days before, and he was trying to throw himself on my mercy by ‘coming clean’ he uttered the immortal phrase “I can’t cut off contact with her, she has no friends and I don’t know what she’ll do without me, I worry about her safety”. Before I could even help myself, I said, “That’s no good…however has she survived for the last thirty years of her life without you”. And this is me in a moment of shock and bewilderment”. About a month further along the track, when I thought I knew every assholey, sordid part of the whole deal, another piece of info came out. It was relatively inconsequential in the big scheme of things, financial, but another chip on the pile, and I’d been very clear in asking him if there was anything else I needed to go moving forward, and of course, no there was not. So when I called him on his lie as I had concrete evidence that said otherwise, and I had screamed at him down the phone that he had no idea who he was dealing with, because if he does something dodgy, I WILL find out, he activated Sad Sausage mode and came home with tears streaming down his face. By this time I had given up being shocked, and just laughed at him and told him, “You are so fucking stupid”. Mean, perhaps, but you eventually get past surprise, and have to laugh, I guess.

      • I guess my takeaway is these people think they are so much cleverer and sneakier than you, so I have to laugh when they shoot themselves in the foot in the process.

  • And, it is so so so satisfying.
    I posted this in the forum, but it still makes me laugh…
    Kids asked that STBX be allowed to come over for Christmas. I agreed. This is a transition year, Christmas is emotional, etc. I had rules, a time limit, but STBX tried to circumvent me by making arrangements with my 13 year old son instead of me. I shut that down. Reminded him it is my house, son shouldn’t be in the middle, this is an adult discussion, blah, blah, blah. He jumped into line, fearing (rightfully) that if he didn’t, I wouldn’t let him come over. He started being obsequious in his texts, pandering to me saying what time can I come, should I bring anything – all questions he should have addressed to me in the first place. He then texted “anything else I should know?” My response “Don’t bring a date.”
    I laughed until I cried.
    He responded “I’m not going to argue with you.” To which I said “No, you aren’t. There is no discussion or argument. You are coming over because I allow it. You will comply with my rules or don’t come.”
    Basically, I said “you will eat whatever shit sandwich I serve, you will do it politely and quietly without complaining. And you will act like it is delicious.”

    • Good for you! About time they get their turn at the shit sandwich buffet. I’m still smiling over the ‘don’t bring a date’ bit. You have to spell these things out for them and even then there’s no assurance they’ll get it or follow through.

    • Oh girl this is sooo me! I have some Borderline traits, and realized that sarcasm and setting boundaries (that he called controlling) were very healing for me. I am able to adapt and turn the tables on him and mocking was my favorite!.

      I believe the reason is that Narcissist respect power, and when you can disconnect and become autonomous, you don’t need them for anything. They realize you can’t be manipulated or controlled anymore, and if they want something from YOU, sometimes….you can make them your BITCH! Haha!

  • My ex narc flies into a rage whenever confronted, even more so when he’s laughed at. As much as I’d love to do this, and do sometimes succumb, I always pay some sort of price.

      • I looked at my STBXH one time and asked, “You can play a joke but you can’t take a joke “? He looked at me and replied, “Yes”.

    • My ex would make me pay for it if I launched a zinger at him. But you know, in the end, he beat the crap out of me anyway so I went ahead and did it and thoroughly enjoyed it. One time I knew he was going to come storming back into the bedroom in a rage so I actually lay on my back on the bed with my feet in the air and kicked that sucker so hard in the chest he flew through the air! He didn’t know what the hell hit him, scrawny little fucker! Aaaahhh the joys of being single!

    • I’m with the crowd who is wary of poking fun at the narcissistic rage. My EX would not only ratchet everything up a notch were I to laugh at him, but any insult I articulated would be repeated to my kids–context free, of course. So, CL’s example would immediately become, “I know how horrible your mother is, kids. Today, she told me she hoped that my nuts would freeze off. I’ve never met such a mean and disturbed person as your mother.” It would all be fodder for his narrative of victimization.

      I vote for the NC approach, as much as possible, and saving the snarky jokes to share with safe friends!

      • They’re going to do character assassination anyway. I really think chumps are deluding themselves if they think their civility will ensure that the narcissist doesn’t do X.

        Please don’t take my call for snark as permission to keep engaging. The goal is NC and meh. But while they’re still there? Lying to your face? Laugh.

        Moreover, laugh elsewhere — to yourself, to your friends, online.

        • CL, absolutely laugh to your friends and laugh on line. That’s why your site is so great, you’ve given us the best place to laugh and be as potty mouthed as we need. Thank you.

        • My STBX is the poster child of ‘They’re going to do character assasination any way’ no matter how civil the Chump and chump’s relatives and friends.

        • CL
          I agree again with the statement that chumps are deluding themselves if they think their civility will ensure the narc doesn’t do x.
          I am a case in point. I was a great wife and mother, really really civil and he cheated!
          I am still pretty civil now but I know it won’t stop him cheating it just keeps him in power and underscores my timidity around him. I’m not worried though as I am working underneath to shore up my own strengths both emotional and financial and then I can drop the nice for something a little more spicy and authentic. Hopefully before the next ice age.

          • I say “Do not gossip about Bad Husband!” That means don’t tell your friends and neighbors.

            I also say, “Tell of the bad things he has done to those who have authority over him and can influence him.” This means I told our religious officials. This means I called the police when he got violent. When I found out he was window-peeping with binoculars, I told the apartment managers. When I found out he was hiring prostitutes, I went and told the captain of the police station.

            This is how you avoid being powerless.

        • I told skankboy once when he was throwing things around, that to witness violence is to be a victim of violence. Oh, and by the way, my grandfather and father were drill sergeants in the infantry, ohhhhh, AND did I mention I also have six brothers so I have learned to hit back! You should have seen his face. BWAAAAHHHHHH! (I do not advocate this for others but it worked for me.)

  • Oh too funny! My STBX was sleeping in his car and taking pictures all night long in the dead of winter last year. I found the hotel receipts showing he was actually in a room with an occupancy of 2.
    He said, “Well at least you know that I wasn’t alone.” Duh. Lol I had to laugh at that one. They are so stupid. Every time he tries to trick me and I point out hard cold facts he gets so mad. I called him on his shit last week and so he called me an idiot. I just texted back, “Lol, whatever.” Then he had our text me on his phone – so she got to see him call her mother an idiot.
    I remember STBX telling me his dad once commented that he was not too bright. He rode that motorcycle real fast, but he wasn’t too bright, dad said.

    I must agree on that one.

  • That’s a powerful tool, CL!

    Unfortunately, I was too weak and heartbroken to employ it back then. Early on I did make dry jokes to friends and family about the situation, but my humor dried up with my hope.

    In the two years following the day I filed, I did learn to joke again. And spending time with shared friends, I would sometimes laugh and dryly mock when they repeated some bullshit manipulation that Ex had said. However, they didn’t get the joke; they actually believed Ex’s lies. So, those relationships eventually died. Too bad, because many of them were good people.

  • Without a doubt, there is RISK involved in this remedy, but it can be cathartic.

    I’m 2 years, 4 months out from D-day #4 and the Discard. Divorce was final in December. Arguably, I “won” that round.

    Mr. Sparkles left me and our family for the OW. They lasted 18 months and supposedly broke up because she cheated on him. Meh.

    However, when Mr. Sparkles took up and began playing house with a new chippy from the gym, I found my ability to LAUGH at the insanity of his life and find GRATITUDE for no longer being his victim. The new girl, let’s call her #2, is 44, never married, works part-time and goes to school part-time, and has 2 dogs and 2 cats. All meh.

    BUT… where I find the laughter is that Mr. Sparkles:

    1. Is allergic to cats… so he’s now getting allergy shots and using an inhaler
    2. Rents a small bungalow house that is now home to her two large Huskies and all the furniture is covered in sheets (because they can’t stay at her place because of the cats)
    3. Our “family” dog goes with my son for visitation – so that makes 3 large dogs (that all shed) sharing a single floor dwelling.
    4. The only exit to the backyard for the animals is through Mr. Sparkles bedroom. (Don’t ask – that is a whole other joke!)
    5. The only thing they have in common is going to the gym (remembers Narcs are only puddle deep)

    And so, my moment of riotous laughter came just a couple weeks back when I went to pick up my son and dog from his house and he had to battle at the front door to keep the 2 huskies inside. I lost it… I began laughing so hard my son asked me if I was crying – while Mr. Sparkles stood there dumbfounded. I laughed all the way home.

    And let me tell you, it felt MIGHTY.

    Rock on Chump Nation.

  • I don’t do this because it just pulls me back into contact. But I DO often sit down and write a super snarky reply and then forward it to my girlfriends instead of sending it back to him. It gives me the rush of replying and ridiculing without paying any consequences. He can’t point out what a bitch I am or forward my response on to his girlfriend. My friends and I get a good long laugh out of his stupidity. A win for all!

    • I do this with my friends and sisters all the time. It helps me a lot. And it helps me bite my tongue and not engage. I think to myself, “oh, I can’t wait to tell them about this!” and I am less tempted to reply to STBX directly.

  • I’ll echo Ex UK Chump’s note of caution. They WILL try to strike back with rage, as laughter challenges their inflated sense of self, and how DARE anyone do that.

    In the last extended exchange I had with Kunty Kibbler before she left the house, she was droning on and on about how mean and bitter and spiteful I was being by not engaging with her “for the sake of the children” — the effects of gray rock at their finest — when she casually stated for the umpteenth time: “. . . when we decided to get divorced . . .”

    (This was a phrase she’d been using from the very beginning — as if it was something we’d been maturely discussing for a long time and considering cooperatively, instead of the deceptive, mindfucking shit show it actually was.)

    As soon as she said those words, I roared with laughter, turned to the dog and said, “Did you hear that, Youk? WE decided to get divorced! My God, she’s STILL telling that story!” The dog’s tail started wagging wildly and he excitedly tried leaping up into my lap as I continued laughing: “WE decided to get divorced!! WE did!!…”

    When it finally died down and the dog returned to his bed (finally realizing that I wasn’t offering him a treat or taking him for a walk), KK calmly approached me and launched into a diatribe of how much she hated me — never really loved me, having sex with me was disgusting and done only out of a sense of wifely duty — and ended with these words: “Your are a petty, spiteful, vile human being . . . and I hope … you die…alone.”

    It was just a variation on things she’d been saying for 9 months, but a far more controlled and focused bit of rage that let me know the ridicule struck a nerve in a major way (or as our soon-to-be-prez would say, ‘Big league’). And because it was so concentrated, it stung back me a bit more than all of her other moments of rage.

    So just approach with caution and be prepared for blowback.

    • UX, that is a great story. Haha. Ruff, Ruff, Ruff!!

      Well, I also have a dog story. About a year or so after DDay when I started getting my integrity back, Whorrie (still in the house) was tanning in a bikini in the back yard on a lay-down lawn chair. My dog was laying down between her legs with the dogs tail/butt was right on her privates – dogs head was towards her feet. The dog was wagging her tail fiercely and the tail was clearly rubbing against Whorrie’s privates.

      So I walked up laughing hysterically and said, “Are you having fun? Are you having fun?”
      Whorrie responded, “Well actually I am.”
      My response, “I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to the dog.”

      Boom! Immediate puss on Whorrie’s face and days of narc abuse followed. Ahhh the good old days.

        • That slut was having a good ‘ol time, Sure!

          UX at least that whore left the house and killed every last shred of hope and tenderness you had, right? I can say unequivocally after a year here that I am glad I don’t have to suffer the long-goodbye lining-up-ducks exit; it’s anguishing to witness. So, while you got a black belt in grey-rock, I see it as you got under that hooker’s skin, and got your balls back. Fuck her saggy tits, wrinkly face, and the motherfucking purple-horse cock she rode in on. Cunt.

    • Uxworld – that is exactly what my ex said – “when we decided to get divorced” – six weeks after he had moved in with his whore. I just said “yeah, I didn’t like your girlfriend – still don’t”! But what crap they spin eh!

      • My STBX just outright said the opposite of the truth to our kids, ‘Mom filed for divorce’ although court records clearly show that during wreckonciliation he filed for divorce at the same time he asked the Court to prevent me from ever seeing our kids because (as he falsely claimed) I abused our children and tried to sexually assault my then-husband (now STBX).’

        • RockStarWife,

          Yup, these compulsive liars are able to tell the tale (who divorced who) depending on the audience and which narrative they want the next person to believe.

          Fact is that I filed for divorce plain and simple. And I served the bitch the papers myself. There is my proof.

          My Exw would tell her “girlfriends” that she divorced me – but in the 2nd breath she would tell my kids that I divorced her.

          After a while these cheaters cant remember all the lies that they told everyone.

          • The funny part is when you catch them in one of those lies. My ex left me for a girl he knew for a month (who he was using a fake name with and who did not know he was married). When I asked him what he was going to tell people about the divorce it went like this:
            Ex: we just got divorced.
            Me: and if they ask why?
            Ex: I’ll say I cheated and you left.
            Me: I left??
            Ex: Fine! I left! (Stomps away)
            My MIL actually told both of us separately that we needed to come up with “narratives” regarding the divorce so it’s no wonder where he gets the idea this is ok. I told her mine was pretty straightforward: he cheated and left.

          • SCAL,
            I wonder what exactly your ex got out of telling two different stories, not that knowing the answer changes things for us chumps, but as someone who has done psychology research, I am prone to wonder.

            • Good point RSW,

              My best guess would be image management. She wants to control how others view her with lies.

              She wants her girlfriends to view her as a strong woman who creates her own happiness (by cheating??). She knows that her girlfriends will never hear the truth from me as I dont speak to them.

              As for kids, Which she knows I speak to, she is taking the sad sausage narrative there. She knows she cant lie to the kids about what she did because I will set the kids straight with the truth.

    • OMG, hub is rewriting the story too, calling it our “differences” and that’s why we are now separated/getting a divorce (that he doesn’t want and is stalling)…while at the same time trying to harm me financially. Before no contact, I wrote him an email and told him to stop lying, whitewashing, minimizing, and justifying his shitty behavior by calling it “differences’ as if it were a mutual decision. I said the truth is that he discarded a good marriage of 25 years with a woman who was honest and faithful and adored him-he had an affair and abandoned me and our family for someone he knew a handful of weeks who had been married 4 times, was violent, and also broke up 3 other marriages, who did it for sport and $$$ , wanting me to become polyamory so that he could have both of us, and if that was what he called DIFFERENCES, he was DELUSIONAL. His response? “I don’t want to argue with you” Typical fucking narcissist.

      • Heh. Typical line of someone who has run out of things to say. 🙂

        Either it’s that or “I don’t know…”

    • You’re right, UXWorld, narcs hit back hard when ridiculed (but, oh, it can be worth it once you no longer give a damn about what they think).

      A year after the divorce, X wanted to keep debating my right to claim oldest daughter on my taxes because she lives with me on her breaks (even after he had said I could claim her). Apparently new GF/AP is not terribly intellectual, so I think he just wanted some cognitive stimulation. Anyhoo…I grew weary of his nonsense and wrote that “As fun as this pissing match is, I have to prepare a dinner party,” told him if the same person giving him tax advice (accountant GF) was the person who gave him the bad divorce settlement advice last year, he should “get a new accountant, just sayin’,” and that I would claim oldest daughter on my taxes to even out the fact that I hadn’t made him show how much he had spent on APs during settlement. I signed it “Toodles, Tempest”

      Got a similar response to UXWorld; a fragment from Hannibal, “Please be advised that your emails will now be blocked, so I won’t have to read any more of your vile language or interact with you ever again. I’ve tried time and again to have a civil dialogue with you but it’s impossible. It feels good to know that I have repeatedly taken the high road notwithstanding your horrible emails.”

      [apparently the “high road” he took must be where there are lots of opportunities for strange p*ssy]

  • I laughed at my ex once, when I was attempting reconciliation. He said that he had talked it over with the OW and she said that if he wanted to save our marriage that he should fight for me. Apparently she was distraught that her ex (whom she was cheating on) didn’t didn’t fight for her while she was screwing my ex. I laughed out loud at the absurdity of the logic. She wanted him to fight for HER when SHE was the one who trashed the marriage and was actively cheating?! I told my ex that it should have been the other way around, that she needed to fight for HIM if she wanted to save their marriage. Blank stare. (I got that response most of the time.) That was my turning point in realizing that I was up against a complete absence of logic and reason, and that’s when I stopped the pick-me dance. Predictably, my ex followed the kibble trail rather than his commitments to me and our child. Buh-bye.

    • Yes, fight for them! It’s ALL about them!

      What’s amazing is that I did fight for her–just not in whatever unrealistic way she believed I should have. I went to MC. I had more sex. I took her on dates. I sat and had hours-long calm and patient conversations about how I don’t want an open marriage, even if she does.

      But, to her, that wasn’t “fighting for her.” Or, I only did those things for 6 months, interspersed with occasionally standing up for myself, exposing the affair to her family, and taking time away from her.

      She didn’t want six months. She wanted me to keep up that emotional turmoil for years if necessary.

      Uh uh. No way. Six months was too long. I’ll never sacrifice my dignity like that again.

      • Yes, you fought with wholeheartedly and with the commitment of a loving spouse. I think you’re 100% spot-on that she was disappointed that you wouldn’t keep it up indefinitely. Emotional immolation is not a reasonable expectation. I assure you that my ex isn’t “fighting” for her to her standards, either.

        And what did she do to fight for you? Not a damn thing. Absolutely ridiculous.

  • My stbxh mocked and ridiculed me at the worst time of my life. Chumpy me felt like if I did it right back then I was lowering myself to his level. I did indulge myself in a few LOL’s by text and email which were met with silence(possibly unexpressed rage-/who cares?) but I did feel bad for doing it. I will remember this and use it if I get the opportunity because I am so over any guilt when it comes to that wackjob…

    • My STBX used to say my snarky talk (about, not directly to) others was mean. I use it as a form of venting and am rarely directly snarky to someone. They really need to deserve it.
      And my snark is nothing compared to affairs, hookups, potential disease, lies, absence, gaslighting, etc. etc. I refuse to feel guilty for anything I say to or about him (I don’t badmouth him to kids – just hold him accountable.) I could speak poorly of him with every sentence until I die and the scales of awfulness would still be tipped heavily in his favor.

  • It does feel good. But for me I would feel bad later. After all I did love him. And no matter what he did those feelings just don’t go away. So yeah I had those moments of snarky comments and ridiculing him. But that pleasure didn’t last. One day it’ll happen when I just really don’t care and can laugh my ass off at him and feel good about it. But not there yet.

    • I think a lot of people, especially women, are conditioned to feel badly when they express or even feel negative emotions: anger, hatred, jealousy, envy, sadness, etc. And we are certainly trained not to feel that way about our spouses. So, you aren’t just dealing with conditioning from your cheater, but from your culture. It is okay to feel multiple feelings at the same time – some compartmentalizations are good: you loved the person you thought you had married, you loved the idea of him AND you hate the way he acted and who he really is. Being able to “hold” both of those feelings takes work but will help you get there sooner.

      • LouisvilleFlower
        I agree about the conditioning thing.
        But for me I have my values and being true to myself is important to me. So even though he has behaved in the most vile way imaginable I don’t want his behaviour to drag me down to his level. Ridicule can be useful and does take the self serving pomposity and stupidity down quite effectively. But I don’t want to become that person. Well. Not often!!
        I like to just walk away. Grace under fire.
        Get my laughs elsewhere.

        • Just wait. You are still early on. It will come. I felt as you do at first and even for a long while. But one day, long after he had moved out and divorce proceedings were well underway, something changed in me. I had had enough. Even if you are laughing behind his back, alone in your home, to your girlfriends or to chump nation rather than directly to him, the laughter Is very empowering. When one can see the ridiculousness of the situation, of the cheater’s logic, pathetic excuses, etc. it is a sign of the chump’s health. You will see.

            • I agree that laughter is empowering. Once I filed for divorce I received almost daily threatening emails. He was going to bankrupt me, ruin my reputation, upset me so I would get really sick……it was all so ridiculous and pitiful, I laughed after each one. It just got funnier and funnier. That’s when I realized I was free of it all and knew deep down I would be fine. But, it took 5 years, the last 3 of NC to get to that point. It all takes time and I believe mourning the death of the marriage had to happen as well. When you are NC for a period of time, you stop caring about how your ex sees you.

            • Thanks guys – appreciate each person’s outlook here. It’s been almost a whole year since the hammer fell. Need reminders at times that its ok to feel one way or the other. After all, there is no manual or handbook on how to deal with this. But this place sure helps a lot.

      • Louisvilleflower (born in Lexington myself) Holding two opposing views of your husband i.e. he’s good he’s bad, I love him I hate him, is called Cognitive Dissonance and it’s actually doing physical damage to your brain to hold opposing thoughts at the same time! It’s why we Chumps are able to convince ourselves to stay in these toxic abusive relationships, ( but he’s good…) and it’s one of the most challenging and important issues to address and come to terms with as we heal. I learned in therapy that when these Cluster B types are acting “Good” is when they are at their most dangerous. This is when their Psychopathy is in full form. Yes they can be “good”, they can play the role of the amazing person we fell in love with, because they will do whatever it takes in the moment to get what they want, without a care of what it does to someone else). But don’t you forget for one single second: The person they REALLY are the is the one who is capable of Intentionally doing all the hurtful things they have done and will continue to do. They cannot sustain any real positive change over any length of time. We need to get it through our thick skulls (and hearts) that who they really are is Evil. It’s a bitter pill to swallow.

        • I wasn’t talking about two opposing views. Not “you’re an ass but I love you anyway.”
          I am talking about acknowledging to yourself that you did indeed love him (past tense) but you hate his actions (past and current). I am talking about being able to accept both things as true. I beat myself up a lot for ever loving my STBX. But I did. That fact/feeling is never at the forefront of my mind, but I cannot pretend it didn’t happen. It doesn’t invalidate the disgust I feel for him now. It took time for the love feeling to shrink to where it is a small part of me, and rarely affects my day to day life. The disgust and distrust and self protection are in full control as I navigate my divorce, settlement and custody.

        • Chump Change –
          You just described it perfectly. It was all those moments when he reverted back to the guy who acted like he loved and appreciated me that kept me hanging on. All along it was just part of the manipulation. Makes me sick.

          • Exactly. It makes me feel so stupid and gullible for falling for his BS for decades. I mean really? What a rat bastard for stealing my life.

      • Getmefree, I hear you…we are taught to be that way. Again, having 6 brothers I am more in tuned to my male side, although I clean up nicely as have been told to me.

    • Give it time, ImaPhool. You’ll get there, and you’ll be glad once you do. It took me nine months, and every month it gets easier.

      • Nine months? I’m jealous…its been one year and we’re officially divorced and have had NC for 3 months straight now – last time I saw him was in court. But that piece of paper doesn’t change anything. Ive been told it’ll take about 2 years…so I’m half way there. But more power to ya for getting there already.

        • It depends on how long you were together and how bad the abuse was. You are doing well. My best friend wrote me an email of support that I put in my notes on my phone so I could access it. I was having a hard time because I felt sorry for my STBX and her letter reminded me of the highlights of the horrible things he did to me. Whenever I felt sympathy for him, I reread it. It was really helpful when I was feeling un-mighty.
          Hugs!

  • ” I suggested that when faced with gaslighting the best thing to do is disengage and stop trying to help the manipulator “understand.” They understand perfectly. They’re mindfucking you. ”

    This is important bevause they know you are looking for validation…..so that is exactly what they will withold.

  • Stbx was a cold, controlled bastard. Did all the usual mindfuckery, gaslighting, etc. he absolutely lost his shit when I sent him this, lol:

    There once were two narcs
    That fell in TruLuv
    Blew up two families
    And now six kids have none
    The two narcs love the shiny
    Reflected back on them
    The kids and the ex spouses are so done

  • Cheaters are very serious about how serious they take themselves seriously.

    Cheaters are serious about their groin bathrooms selfies… and if you laugh at their artistic shaved pubes with toilet seat in background you’ve wounded them.

    Cheaters take their groomed pubes very very seriously and it’s not fair you laughed that the Toillet is part of the selfie shot. Cheaters don’t fart or piss or take a dump, the Toillet being in the bathroom is the fault of the lesser spouse, because if a cheater had the “power” to redecorate their bathroom it would only be mirrors.

    A cheater is the “victim”, and laugh if you laugh at their pathetic cheater antics, such as bad poetry and the scum their cheating with it really really really hurts their serious feelings.

    Repeat….it really really really really hurts cheaters that you laugh at their low level cheater partner “aka soulmate” who enjoys their bad poetry and “artistic” groin selfies from the bathroom. It’s art and it’s really really really real. Repeat they are really really real…..really!!!

    Cheater expect chumps to cry, cheaters revel in your tears and want to drink your tears in shot glasses and to laugh at them makes it so disrespectful to their “uniqueness”.

    Cheaters do not want to be laughed at….cheaters are serious….really…. really….really serious about how serious about how seriously special.

    Don’t you see the facebook quotes, some even have sunsets and pictures of puppies and it took them nearly 10 seconds to download those super serious quotes that even come with pictures. Cheaters are good at downloading inspirational quotes that come with pictures.

    Hahaha….Namaste y”all….seriously

    • ^^^THIS^^^ what is it about male Narcs and shaving their pubic hair? I couldn’t get Mr. Sparkles to wax his back or brush his teeth before bed or take a shower after coming home from the gym… but he had a perfectly groomed penis and testicles. RED FLAG ANYONE?

      More laughter 🙂

      • ICSTMC, I may be wrong but I have a feeling that they think if they shave around their penis and testicles, things may look larger or more desirable. In their dreams. They forget that the most important 6 inches is between their ears and let us be honest, some of them if not a lot of them would struggle to be that big!!
        By the way, they forget to shave the rest of their bodies. Why I do not know and yet I read where a lot of males expect women to be completely hairless and that young men today have never seen pubic hair. Oh how nice it is to be old. Sorry to all of the decent male Chumps on this site, my comments were not directed at you just the players out there and that does include my ex.

      • My gosh, I just had a flashback of this as well, now that you mention it. We all know WHY they shaved their pubies!! They were getting BJ’s from somewhere! More proof on my end of what he denied and tried to hide. Schmoopie was in the picture for quite awhile.

      • Yep just got triggered… A memory popped up back to one time when Gaslighter was grooming his pubes, I thought that was so weird. He was doing it right in front of me when I was in the bathroom. Red flags were flapping while be in the breeze but I must’ve been in deep denial. That was years and years and years ago. Serial cheat much? Another form of abuse.

    • If I could like this a hundred times, I totally would.

      Especially the bathroom selfie/”sexy” pics because this was one of OW’s biggest fetishes. lol Apparently along with all her two wuv posts on Facebook (according to friends who are still mutual friends with ex and the slunt), which get crickets from ex. Not even a like. 😉 But he loves her so much! lolol Right.

      • What is it with all the selfies in bathrooms? My ex and his Schmoopie did this all the time. I actually know what the men’s room looks like at his former employers only because he was taking selfies of himself at work too! Yuck!

    • I find that the most effective form of ridicule is to make sly reference to his “manlihood.” He reaaally hates that! For ex, last week, my son said frisbee golfer was “talking to” several women when he claimed to me that he still loved me and would never betray me in that way again. I said “do what you will with what’s in your pants. No longer my concern.” He said “it hasn’t been your concern in quite awhile.” I responded “lol – even before I knew it! No matter – wasn’t much there to begin with.” He said “what what what??? Is there an echo in here” (aka I am not listening). I said “yes and it’s coming from your pants. Good night.” Him – ok. We done.” Me – “ya think???” Still laughing…..

        • LWBR, my ex had the same issue. I told him to bring it to the doctor’s attention at his annual health check-up. When he arrived home I asked him what the doctor said. You will love this. He said that the doctor told him in order to get the spark back he should have sex with someone else or others because he had been with me for too long. I told this to a therapist and she did state that I should not believe one word out of the ex’s mouth. I am gullible and at first I did believe him but I am also not stupid and my gut told me to be on alert because I had a feeling that I knew what was to come and it wasn’t him!! 🙂

          • It is called Delayed Ejaculation and is actually a side effect of ‘porn addiction’. There is even a technical name for it now “Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction”. My husband, the ‘recovering porn addict’ had it and couldn’t ejaculate until he finally gave up porn.

            It comes from them spending so much time jacking off they desensitize their penis and literally – can no longer feel anything other than their own hand. Even that gets harder to feel – so they turn to more porn.

            Messes with their heads big time, which is why they are always trying to go out and cheat and try and prove it isn’t their penis, but their wife that is the problem. Of course, they find out it really is their penis that is the problem. There is an entire ‘community’ of men doing something called “rebooting” where they try to stay off porn for 90 days to try to get their penis to work again – LOL!

            • Omg, just thought of a bunch of rebooters at a “porn addicts anonymous” meeting.
              “Hi, my name is Steve. It’s been 37 days since I jacked off to porn.”
              Group intones “Hi Steve.”
              (Not making fun of true addicts here. Only assholes who blame their problems on supposed addiction.)

              • That is EXACTLY what they do!

                On the online forums, they have “counters” that say how many days it is been since they jacked off to porn! Most can’t get past a couple of days before they have to restart their counter!

                I mean, really – they jacked off so much they can no longer get it up and they sit there whacking off with a limp noodle and they still can’t stop! They need ‘accountability partners’ and there is even an app they download in case of ’emergency’ there is a guy there to talk them down of the jacking off cliff.

            • Coolbreeze…….you just taught me something I never knew! But it sure makes tons of sense now! The XPOS must be a huge porn addict……from first time – year 10, he never could complete the act. (hate the sound of the real word)
              I also had evidence of the porn stuff…..wow, wow……makes so much sense now.

              And the shaved areas….well the XPOS shaved back, legs, arms, underarms, privates AND over plucked his eyebrows! Looked like a female freak. I think he might be bisexual anyway. This could explain that too.

              To me…….he’s just a con artist freak!

              • To add….the only hair on him was on his head (the one with the tiny brain inside it). AND he added hair to that area via plugs! He just couldn’t stand the thought of aging because maybe the little girls he sucks into his schemes wouldn’t go out with him anymore.
                Fuckin’ freak.

            • my stbxh had me feeling sorry for HIM as he,attributed our fizzling sex life to his condition — which he claimed was ED associated with aging.
              Truth was he was heavily into porn and an affair with his 27 year old – to his 53 yrs – assistant
              Of all his lies – that still strikes me as the most heartless!

              • Well, I’ve heard that ed can sometimes be an early sign of heart issues. All the vascular things are interconnected, it seems. So there’s that for a young schmoopie to look forward to!

    • Bad poetry. I fucking wish. Her grampfuck would’ve at least showed originality instead of sending memes stolen from some 14 yo girl’s Instagram account.

  • I laughed when I found red bikini underwear in his laundry. Laughed to his face. He was enraged. It was proof that I didn’t care!

    Worked for me.

  • While Cheater is not a narcissist, dealing with the aftermath of his affairs (and finding CL especially) was GREAT for picking out the other narcissists in my life. Loving, tender emotions came to a crashing halt, since my trust itself was broken, and I had to deal with everyone’s actions.

    1) What they said vs. what they did not matching up.
    2) What expressions and vocal tones were genuine or what were not. I became a human lie detector.
    3) Letting people be who they were and not helping them be the person I knew they were *capable* of being. If they didn’t want it badly enough for themselves, it wasn’t going to happen. And more importantly, I wasn’t going to help.

    I had very little, as it was, to get ME through existing… and only that because of my children. I certainly wasn’t going to expend anything for anyone else’s benefit. My mantra to all the USERS in my life was what CL recommends: Bummer. Wow. I’d say “Oh. Well, I hope you get that sorted out soon.” Previously, I would help them and get screwed over. The narcs stopped when I stopped feeding them a willing, helpful, and positive attitude. That’s what Narcs EAT. I was a cold, plain fish.

    Ridicule works on false-sense-of-pride people who need to be shown that they don’t matter to you anymore; it doesn’t work on narcissists. Narcs loves ridicule; it makes them the victim. Being a victim provides them with bait for others: a myriad of reasons for being sad, or late for work, or not paying bills/doing chores/bad parenting, or not wanting to go out. “What’s wrong?!,” their “friends/family” will ask. And then they’ll TELL OTHER PEOPLE what you said, in the most vicious way possible.

    Go cold and plain. Give them absolutely nothing to take away from any situation except that you’re of no use to them.

    • 3) Letting people be who they were and not helping them be the person I knew they were *capable* of being. If they didn’t want it badly enough for themselves, it wasn’t going to happen. And more importantly, I wasn’t going to help.

      Thank you for this!!! I so needed to read this today as I am often quite guilty of it with several people in my life.

      I may print it out and put it on my desk. I love this website!

  • Cheater, “She’s prettier than you”
    Chump, “So is Angelina Jolie”
    Cheater, “What the hell are you talking about?”
    Chump, “Well, there are a lot of really pretty women out there so I was giving you some more choices.”
    Cheater, “She’s better at sex than you”
    Chump, “Tell me more. Next person I have sex with I’ll borrow some of her moves”
    Cheater, “She pays more attention to me.”
    Chump, “Why?”
    Cheater, “What do you mean “why”?”
    Chump, “Why does she pay more attention to you?”
    Cheater, “I guess because she thinks I’m interesting.”
    Chump, “Why?”

    • Flat sarcasm is WAY more fun with a narc, for sure! Ridicule excites them… feeding their truth back to them without being charged up about it? They don’t even know what to do. They just know that this game is not fun for them anymore. 😛

    • Letgo, Please, please begin writing for comedy TV. I watch a lot of it because I love to laugh. You are hilarious.

      PS Shows how stupid these idiots are – how did he let you get away?

      • Roaring, I would love to take credit for this but I only gave a small contribution. My brother and his kids were abandoned totally by his wife. Someone asked him about her and his “why” answers were right on the money. I fudged it a little but his deadpan, disinterested answers let everyone know he was completely at meh. The AJ conversation was between a husband and wife I know that started when he told her if she ever got fat he would leave her. I think she wishes he had. The sex one I got from reading CL. You guys have cheaters who have used every excuse on the planet for cheating and I thought that would be a perfect way to shut them the hell up.

  • Even if you aren’t in a position to directly ridicule your cheater, ridicule can be a powerful and cathartic tool in your own healing. You can ridicule in absentia! Until recently, my ex was the only man I had had sex with. One of his many mindfucks was that I was cold and uninteresting in bed. In order to “spice things up” he bought a book of illustrated sex positions and gave it to me with instructions to mark the ones I wanted to try. I was up for trying some new things so I went through and marked a whole bunch of pages with post-its and gave the book back to him to look at. Later, he gave me the book back with the notation “DTS” on almost all of the post-its. When I asked him what DTS stood for he said “dick too short”. And that was the end of any attempt to try new things on my part because of course it was MY FAULT AGAIN for picking things he couldn’t do. Cut to present day when I have a wonderful lover who has opened up a whole new world for me. I am totally NC with my ex so there is no opportunity for me to tell him I finally got to experience all those fun positions with someone who definitely doesn’t have DTS issues but I did tell my new guy that story and whenever we do something that is new to me I say “no more DTS” and we both laugh. Even if my ex never knows that I’m laughing at him, I know and it helps heal any residual scarring from thirty plus years of blame shifting and mindfucking.

    • This is a great story, @Beth. Finding laughter wherever you can get it is the important thing.

      Your ex set himself up in SO many ways with that episode — not least of which is putting a cryptic notation on the post-it notes, thereby forcing him to admit to you and to himself that he had a small dick.

  • Well my cheat, whatever type he is, reacts to my anger with a lot of sad sausagery. If I laughed at him I think he would smile ruefully as if he could see the joke but how mean I was for laughing but he would take it as he is the bigger person.

    Not much emoting goes on in his head.

    I do enjoy telling my friends about his odd comments and weird reactions but it’s not in a belly laugh kind of way, more of a WTF kind of way.

    Trust me to get a non sparkly, can’t emote about anything, sad sausage cheat.

    My first boyfriend though who I dated for five long years was bipolar, controlling, highly sparkly and volatile – different story. I only ever laughed at him once. If I laughed at him or even felt the urge the payback would have been spectacular. We were in the car and I had decided to leave him and had got to the point that I didn’t care what he did. Being dead was preferable to staying with him. So I tell him we are done and there was silence. I thought he might just crash the car but he pulled over, began to cry and asked me if I would still have his children. I just cried with laughter but the hysterical kind. He begged he pleaded he apologised and I just felt all his power just drain away. Still remember that moment so clearly. He drove me back to uni and I never saw him again for five years and then I heard he had committed suicide about ten years ago.

    I think he knew at what point I was. I literally didn’t care what happened. But they can be so thin skinned that laughter can be risky. Use with care. IMO.

    • Capricorn, you obviously appreciate humor here. And you are still new with this, though mighty for being a newbie! You will get there. Once more of the horror washes away and you find yourself still surviving you will find your humor. From what you have written about your family of origin, I suspect that your potential rapier and scathing wit was suppressed long ago, so it might take you longer to unearth it. I understand that you are in a precarious place waiting for your divorce to finalize. And your STBX sounds like a zombie with a penile implant. But I think your humor will start to show up eventually. As I said above, dark humor comes easily for me. I worked in social services and if my colleagues and I had not eaten chocolate and cracked jokes (in privacy) we would not have survived our jobs. I feel the same way about the demise of my marriage.

  • My son (15) accidentally trod in dog shit the other day, and managed to get it all over the interior of my STBXW’s new car! (This is the woman who cant afford an attorney or mediation) She raged at him..calling him useless, an idiot etc (She’s lovely eh?)

    He called me and said how upset he was by what his mother had called him. I was careful not to criticise his mother in front of him and thought about it for a minute or two. I simply told him to talk to his mum when things had calmed down, tell her that those words were hurtful, say he was sorry he trod shit all over her car it was a genuine accident. If she apologises, accept it an move on like grown adults, if she doesn’t and continues..walk away it’s not worth it.

    At that point we both LOL’d at the fact that he had trodden dog shit all over his mums new car! I had a smile on my face the rest of the day, and the next day, and the next…I’m still smiling now.

    • mickey, I too try not to directly criticize their dad, so I say things like ‘it’s never ok to speak to someone like that’ or ‘no one should use those kinds of mean words’ along with the ‘that must have really hurt, I’m sorry that happened’. It was super useful to direct them to speak to their father about issues that came up between them, because then the kids saw for themselves who/what they were dealing with. My ex thinks I poisoned his relationship with the kids, but he did it all himself!

      But I LOVE that he got dog shit in her car! It’s what she deserved!

    • That is just too funny!!!

      Lucky you, MBE, I wish I had a similar “uh-oh, look what happened, I’m so sorry” experience to relate!!

      • It is like the karma bus splashing the cheater with a big puddle of muddy water rather than running them over.

    • This is the BEST thing EVER! My cheater wouldn’t allow our kids (years ago) to eat ANYTHING in his car. The photos he took when he left were of Him and his CARS through the years! He was very concerned that on the way to the hospital to give birth, my water would break in his CAR!! Two weeks before he announced he wanted a divorce, I picked up his new CAR from the dealership. DOG SHIT in his CAR would most likely KILL him!!
      Thank you for this!! ROTFL!!!

        • Yes, some with his shirt off! The first was a ’68 Cougar, then 4×4 GMC Jimmy (cowboy phase), then Porsche 914 (the one that sounds like a lawnmower), Italian Alfa Romeo Milano (so practical with a new baby & carseat!) then, several company cars (one caught on fire, lol), then Audi then, lastly, the BMW (“FGA”=Fine German Automobile)… yep, got photos of himself with all his 4 wheeled ‘muses’. These were packed in his backpack before his issuing the divorce announcement, along with his passport, birth certificate and, oh yes, there were the pictures of him (not with Son) as a Boy Scout Leader in his uniform… (at 300 lbs! ha!) and yes, a few pictures of the kids as babies…. not one of me though…
          Self is Central! All the rest of us were just accessories in his fantasy life. Like Cars. Trade em in, trade em out.

  • I’m nc with my stbx but couldn’t resist sending him a Christmas present in the mail. It was a toilet paper/cell phone shelf holder. I was laughing for days about sending it. I could just imagine his face when he opened the box. I put a nice little note in there saying “for the man who has everything -except for his integrity and the respect of his family”. I never broke no contact but it was satisfying sending that zinger. Of course, he didn’t say anything about getting it-but I know it was delivered. ha ha — cheaters suck!

  • My STBX was fully convinced that if my mum ‘heard his side of the story’ she wouldn’t hate him so much. I was gobsmacked! Than I laughed and laughed. I said ‘Are you serious?! You cheated on her daughter for years and damaged her grandchildren! What part of ‘your side of the story’ could possibly justify that!’ I was so stunned at his ridiculous statement that I could do nothing but laugh. And laugh. And laugh. And yep, he got REALLY angry. Which made me laugh more.

    • Moving-On, I get that “they only have heard your side of the story” from James Bond a lot. As if !!!!

      Professionals and people in a position of authority over him have said my story is credible, however, and have told me that his claims (lies, blame-throwing, gas lighting) are baseless.

      But his comment about your mum? These disordered characters are very skilled at sussing out who is vulnerable to their charm and charisma. It’s possible that he has ascertained that your mum is susceptible to his lies!!! My mom was! It was heartbreaking to me. When I really needed her help and support, she was pulling the rug out from under me. In these ways, you can see how we fell for the cheater’s lies, because we have so little moral support.

      ChumpLady wrote about this too. How maybe we did not have a big mama bear who would growl at asshole and tell him he is a very bad man and to stay away from her little girl. Well, maybe you are blessed, and you have a good “mama bear” mom who will not put up with his shit!!!

      • The disordered also enjoy driving a wedge between their victims and their families. I heard that from Fucktard ex that my grandmother liked ex more than me. And he made a play for my sister. So beware.

    • My ex actually had the nerve to write letters to my mom and grandma “explaining not excusing” what he had done. They wouldn’t let me read them because they’re nice people and didn’t want me to be any more upset than I already was but if they were anything like the one I got they were real nice and full of flowery prose and apologies but if you look closer and compare the apologies to what he actually did they make no sense. Things like “I’m sorry for dating other people when I was still in a relationship with you but I just lost us.” Um, do you mean sorry for cheating on your wife and blowing up her life and causing tremendous amounts of hurt? Because that’s what actually happened. Luckily my mom and grandma got that completely and they’ve also gone NC with him. He only sent them to the people he thought would be most vulnerable to his lies though. Very telling.

  • Yes, this drives them mad. If you truly want NC, just ridicule them. It’s the quickest way to get them to stop talking to you.
    The pot pie called right before the hurricane was supposed to hit this year ( I’m in Fl, he’s a firefighter here in town) to make sure I knew how serious it was and he wanted “the kids” to know he checked in……which was code to see if he could get me to flip out over the fact that I had probably at this point discovered when he moved he took the generator and the wing nut screws for the custom hurricane shutters.
    Good try dickhead, I said nothing except that I saw him in the news talking about it and that he got really fat, and that he should take care of himself. I told him I knew the camera adds weight and then asked how many cameras were on him.
    I tell him all the time that he may have some people snowed but I know EXACTLY who he is.
    If it’s nothing else, it’s effective. No better way to get a narcissistic asshole ex to leave you the fuck alone then to tell them they are just that…..and fat.

    • Pop tart is the artist formerly known as paintwidow.? I had a glitch where I had to re register.
      I think I’ve got it straight now.

      • A shitty one.
        I know he was waiting for me to flip about it. Nope.
        My also chump sweet boyfriend is a welder, had new screws for my shutters in no time and put them up for me, then brought his generator over and stayed with us.

      • Today I am working with my new part time Ranch Hand cleaning up and sorting through the tools in the filthy disorganized workshop in the barn. Most of the stalls are filled with crap, old bikes, broken lawn mowers, bags of hardened concrete, old tile…. Gaslighter has cherry picked all the tools. We found an $800 generator rusting outside behind the barn that of course doesn’t run and other equipment that was valuable but misstreated by being left outside behind the barn out of site for years. It’s overwhelming because I often don’t know what’s what, what’s worth repairing, what that part is for, etc., but I’m learning. I had to go buy new a big set of good socket wrenches to pull off an old tractor tire because the socket wrench set was gone. My new shop vac – vanished. Gaslighter could care less that I am left with a large property to run without tools or equipment. I’m heading to Home Depot with a big list of tools we need, but will have to pick them off one at a time as I can afford to. I will return with two padlocks! The best part? The Ranch is looking so much better since I’ve been managing it. This has always been Gaslighter’s department. Over the last two years I’ve slowly been taking care of deferred maintenance, repairing and painting fences, and now finally tackling the barn. I have to tell myself I CAN DO THIS. I’m taking back my power!

          • Wow Roaring thank you for sharing. That story really hits home with me as on this Ranch is the Dream House that I designed and and managed the entire building project It was even featured in a beautiful book which was a huge feather in my cap and I’m so grateful for the opportunity to build this home and get to live in it. I am an artist and all of my creative energy was released into this beautiful abode. Turns out it was way more than we could afford and we were living way beyond our means but Gaslighter acted like all was well. Sooooo now after a 35+ years of marriage nearly 40 together I realize my marriage was a lie he’s a serial cheater and a complete Antisocial psycopathic narcissist. I was in a number one first class Chump and just sure I could fix everything. Once I put two and two together I filed. Now I’m on my own, living by myself with my puppy, and animals my on a beautiful 30 acre property. I am still financially dependent on Gaslighter, but need to push forward with the divorce for my sanity. He is a liar and a cheater and a con man and a psychopath and in so much legal trouble I don’t know how this will turn out. I believe I can make this work on my own but it’s going to take everything I’ve got.

              • We are there! OOOO! I hope there will be horses!!! 🙂

                And I have power tools and CAN USE THEM! 🙂 I have learned to be mighty! It sounds like you have too! 😀 LOVE IT! You got this!

          • I read an ARC of Rise (the book the lady in the youtube video wrote about her experience). It was very inspirational. She and her kids are mighty!

    • “I told him I knew the camera adds weight and then asked how many cameras were on him.” OMG that is freaking hilarious!

      X is extremely self-conscious about his appearance, so he tries to make lame self-deprecating jokes about his lack of fashion sense to deflect potential ridicule about it. In fact, he employs fake self-deprecation on a regular basis not just to deflect ridicule but also to prop up his “aw shucks” faux-humble Mr. Nice Guy persona. Now that I see through it, all I can think is how pathetically transparent it is.

  • There’s another neat trick you can employ to drive the cheater bonkers . . . . the next time you have to speak with them, be happy. I don’t mean happy to hear from them, but happy with your life in general.

    I had to speak with my X when our home was refinanced into my name. When I spoke with him, I was chipper as could be. He tried a few times to say things like, “I wish things turned out different . . .” in an attempt to bait me into professing my undying love for him, but I’d cut him off with, “Oh MY GOD I know! We got our asses kicked in that game!” (Referring to our cities hockey team.)

    Another time he sent a text, all heart-felt and icky that said something like “Well Rumblekitty, I wish you the best in life and blah blah blah”. I responded with a happy face and “Take care”. I could see the little ball bouncing on the screen where he tried to respond for 1/2 hour and finally gave up. There were a few exchanges like that and I won every time.

    I didn’t even care enough to show anger towards him. Happy indifference, that’s the best.

    • My STBX does the same. Sends texts like “I wish nothing but happiness for you.” I just give him silence.

      • I’d rather be friends with Kellyanne Conway.

        With him, he’d love for me to be sad. As if a phone call from him would send me into a fit of tears. No such luck. I conveyed that I was over it and whatevs. Also helpful, we live in different states now, have no kids together either so, he doesn’t have an in.

  • Chumpy (back then) me, really did believe The Liar when he never came home one night in the winter, that he had too many beers at a bar he stopped in after work in January, dropped his phone in the vehicle and was too drunk to pick it up when I was repeately phoning him to make sure he was still alive.

    But D-Day mighty me got some good zingers in when he started saying that the affair wasn’t his fault because “Muse, she was all over me like a train wreck! I tried to stop her! I was defending YOU! I was defending US!” I burst out laughing and said, “Oh, so she RAPED you then, did she?!” Cue the rage. I was such a bitch for no longer falling for his BS.

  • I don’t ridicule my ex even when he’s especially ridiculous, because I am physically afraid of him (with good reason). But he has given me some huge belly laughs when I’m alone. Like when he was justifying his cheating with the usual ‘we argued too much’ and I mentioned how many times I tried to drag him to couple therapy to try to resolve that; he said I should have gone (ALONE) to resolve our arguing problem. I didn’t laugh at him to his face, but I know I looked at him like he had two heads!

    And on one of the many attempts to get me to wreckoncile again, he said in an e-mail that we would START the reconciliation by ‘being affectionate and having sex’, then LATER figure out how to have a better relationship. This one had me in hysterics and calling everybody I knew to tell them his brilliant idea!

    Recently he’s been saying that since he’s trying to repair his relationship with the kids, and I SAY I’m trying to help the kids have a better relationship with him, and none of that is working, it must be because I’m not actually trying to help. Uh huh, that’s the only possible explanation!!! I wish I could ask him if there were any other possible explanations. Or why, if I have such good control over people, I couldn’t get him to be a reasonable spouse?

    But it’s true that the narcs cannot STAND our laughing at them. If I get the slightest look of amusement on my face when he’s coming out with stupidities, it makes him SOOOOO ANGRY. We’re mediating about child support and the value of our house these days, so I’m trying to look neutral, but it can be so hard! And there’s a reason I wouldn’t discuss this stuff without a third adult there ….

    • @KarenE – I only started laughing after I got my own home with literally 3 locks on every door – over the phone or in public is ok to if I have the unfortunate experience of him approaching me at my son’s extracurricular activities – my narc is a sparkly turd and wouldn’t threaten or be aggressive if someone else was present or could hear my end of the conversation – I will never be alone with him again ever for safety reasons and you just never know – they are a scary breed.

  • This is the one part of my healing and dealing with cheaters that I have never struggled with at all. My varsity letter in high school was in Biting Sarcasm. I majored in Cutting Remarks in college. My signature scent is Burn. Patronizing insults are my first language, English is my second. I am so naturally sarcastic, I have to be very careful not to wield it much in normal conversation, as I can easily slight someone without intending to do so.

    I had the following conversation with my cheating asshole of a SIL just a couple of weeks ago:

    Her: I was just stuck in that marriage, ya know? Trying so hard to love someone I didn’t love. I needed something for me. I had lost myself.
    Me: Oh, certainly. I understand completely. Being decent to someone who has been faithful, devoted and a wonderful husband and father is SUCH A BURDEN, you poor thing.
    Her: You would never understand, obviously, but you don’t have to be so sarcastic.
    Me: No, I do understand – I’m well-versed in “dumb slut.” I don’t have to agree with your utter delusion to understand it.
    Her: I’m not gonna sit here and try to match wits with you.
    Me: (laughing) That much is perfectly clear, darling. You’d hurt yourself. You should stick to fighting in your weight class.

    • Do you teach masters classes?
      My STBX backs the hell off when I start getting snarky. There is no way he can keep up and we both know it. His go to response is sad sausage. Which makes me laugh. Which makes him angry. Which prompts him to call me an ice cold bitch. Which makes me laugh even more.

    • Yes it is truly unfair to engage in a battle of wits with the woefully unarmed but sometimes it’s just plain ole fun!

    • Reminds me of an old Ginger Rogers movie.

      Angry woman: I’m going to give you a piece of my mind!
      Rogers: Oh, I wouldn’t want to take your last piece!

        • Okay, I can’t remember the name of the movie, but that almost looks like a scene out of it! Except the altercation was in the ladies room, I think. Which one is this?

          • I reckon I cain’t rightly say, ma’am. My Ginger Rogers knowledge is lacking. All I know about her is that quote from my favorite Nasty Texan Lady, Governor Anne Richards: “Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did except backward and in high heels.”

      • I usually use my sarcasm for good (make coworkers laugh with jokes and deadpanning about long meetings and tedious projects, poking fun at ridiculous politics, etc). I keep a lid on it. But I hate this bitch SIL. The mere sight of her is disgusting to me. I am ashamed to admit I have spent entire work commutes (and I have a looooong commute) thinking of insults tailored especially to her, and I practically foam at the mouth at the chance to use them. She doesn’t give me much opportunity, as she avoids me like the plague – lol! She couldn’t escape the holidays, though. It was either deal with me or be called a cowardly twit behind her back. Poor dear….must have been a rock and a hard place ? She chose to come ’round and hope for the best. Another shining example of her (ahem) “exemplary judgment.”

  • I didn’t plan to use this tactic, but couldn’t help it. My STBX is living with his AP who is 21 years younger than him at a mere 24 years of age.

    Last summer when her stepdad found out about their relationship (he has known STBX for years), the stepdad showed up at my house and basically let me know that if I did not get my husband away from his stepdaughter, he would do everything he could to ruin STBX’s career. He knew that if STBX lost his job, my kids would be the ones who would lose out (just more manipulation to pile on me).

    STBX came to the house to talk to me afterwards. At one point, I asked him, “How would you feel if daughter#1 (who is 13) at 24 years of age started seriously dating a 45 year old married man who walked out on his wife of 20 years when she was 6 months pregnant AND this man also had an out of wedlock child from a few years ago?”

    His response was “You hope that you have raised your kids well enough that they make the right choices as adults.”

    I couldn’t help it – the pure absurdity of that statement –I started laughing out loud at him. At that point, I realized that there was absolutely no point in talking to him. He was beyond mentally disordered.

    Oh and I recorded that whole conversation, too. The best is when he stated that AP came first in his life above everything else. When I asked for clarification – “even before your kids?” – he confirmed that yes, she came before EVERYTHING.

    I do not think he is going to go for any custody, but just in case he does…I am compiling a mountain of evidence as to why he should not be given any.

  • Another upside to laughing at them, and maybe this applies to damsel in distress BPDS more, is that youre also laughing at the OP. I know that the bullshit she spews she had help formulating. Since he’s a father figure to her he often tells her what to say or do. When you laugh, you get to laugh at 2 douches at the same tiime. It’s delightful.
    I remember the first time I laughed. It was accidental. Just came out. She lied about something and I just laughed. She raged for a few days but whatever, they were days that ended in y so I was expecting it anyway.

  • I like to laugh and joke. I worked at a prison and us employees were hard on each other. This thread made me remember an incident with my husband during the divorce. My daughter called me to say they let school out early and she needed help with my granddaughter since she really couldn’t take more time off of work. MY soon-to-be X was living with her at their apt complex. However he had went North with the OW to visit his parents.

    So I drove 20 miles to her apt complex. I had my own key. I went to open the door and it was top locked from the inside. I pounded on the door. A little squeaky voice said, “Go away leave me alone.” (my husband’s voice.) So I decided to mess with him. I yelled, “I’m coming in one way or another.” I’d jiggle the doorknob. I actually heard him hide himself in the bathroom closet. So I yelled, “I have my tow rope and I’m going to rip this door off the hinges.”

    I stood back for a few minutes jiggling the doorknob. My cell phone starts ringing. It’s my daughter. She goes, “Mom what are you doing?” I laughed and told her I was fucking with him. She tells me he is having heart attacks in her bathroom. She’d been trying to get him to move out for months to no avail. I can still hear his squeaky little voice in my head. Funnier then all get out. Had my sister-in-law dying laughing when I told her.

  • After Dday, when I thought he had “come to his senses” and dropped the sociopath like a hot potato (he didn’t, cos he was addicted to her and like the Jezebel Spirit she put a spell on him)-apparently she was part of an experiment on his part to see if his erectile dysfunction junction was MY fault and/or a turgid penis could be had with a new hole…(Uh, NOPE, he’s still on a high level of testosterone and it’s been months since I’ve seen it, but I assume it’s still broken…) well, my normal snarky self which had been buried under a mountain of tears finally came back. I looked at him while he was naked and told him that his testicles were shrinking and he should go to the doctor and have them looked at. He RAN to the bathroom to look in the mirror, came back and said no, they were the same size they had always been, and I said, “Hey, believe what you want to believe, but they are like little hummingbird eggs now.” I don’t think his gigantic ego has been the same since. It felt GOOD to say it, but it was also true. He’s got major problems, not the least of it is his shrinking manhood.

      • What amuses me now is the fact he’s stuck with it. All those years and to think he ended up with a classless raging whore with layers upon layers of untreatable issues. When he looks down from the pedestal there’s a hag at the base. Hahaha.

  • I am too NC to have the opportunity to laugh at him face to face anymore, but I have found many opportunities to laugh in absentia as Beth so beautifully puts it!!

    The afternoon I finally learned that he was gay and had been fucking his friend for 30 years, I immediately took the phone out in the yard and called my sis. I suppose it was partially shock, but the two of us together are already pretty snarky. This time we had some seriously good material! We laughed our heads off as we applied this new truth to all the years of mysteries and lies. Ex watched me through the window and asked me what was so funny when I came back inside. I cannot remember for the life of me how I answered that question!

    The day ex and I drove his belongings over to his new roach-box living quarters, I was driving the car behind his and I realized that we were literally driving everything he now owned in two small hatchback cars. And he didn’t even get to keep one of the cars! So aside from his clothes and his sports equipment and some new kitchen stuff from Walmart, the only thing from the house he got to keep after 30 years of marriage was an old, scratched up particle board coffee table from IKEA. The absolute absurdity of all he was walking away from for the sake of some illicit gay sex on the side … most important of which was time with his child … really struck me at that instant. Again, probably a shock reaction, but that coffee table was a real piece of shit and I was laughing so hard I had to slow down and back off his car a bit to ensure he couldn’t see me in his rear view … I was laughing so hard there were tears running down my face.

    CL is right … these fuckers are truly absurd and laughable.

  • Ex isn’t a reader of sci-fi (or of anything that he considers to be not ‘high brow’) though he will see the standard blockbuster sci-fi movies (Star Wars, etc ) I, on the other hand, am a voracious reader of everything. So, on his latest set of demands regarding son, he said I want an answer now. So I gave him one – 42. This threw him off balance and his attempt to regain control of the discussion failed miserably after that (“what’s 42?” “The answer” “to what?” “Everything”) lol He gave up and didn’t talk to me for almost a week. Win for me 😉

    For the non-nerds, it’s from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. 42 is the answer to the universe, life and everything. 😉

  • It was such a revelation to learn about the three channels of mindfuckery and then to watch X cycle through them in real life–I eventually went from being triggered and irritated by his antics to finding them amusing and, at times, LOL funny.

    The funniest was when he started engaging in impotent attempts at burning rubber on his way out of my driveway, just to show me that he was really, really, really mad! The first time he tried it I stayed gray rock, but the next time he did it I couldn’t help myself. I was standing next to his car getting ready to start my lawn mower, when he hit the gas and couldn’t get any traction due to all the pebbles at the end of my driveway, which were flying everywhere. He got more and more angry as I stood there laughing until the car finally lurched into the road, pedal to the medal.

    I just smiled and waved as he drove off, which of course left him stuck on the rage channel for days afterwards, but it rarely triggers me anymore.

  • I knew better than to laugh at the Fucktard too openly or too often. But I had no problem doing that behind his scrawny disordered back. At the top of his (long and comprehensive) list of things he hated most was tobacco smoke. If I smoked a cigarette while drinking margaritas with the girls, that was a Major Offense. The jerk even demanded to be reseated in a restaurant three times because people were smoking nearby. This was in France, back in the day when that was to be expected. So, before he got the house, I closed up all the windows and threw a cigar party. Good times! I took loads of photos showing a clean and tidy house to guard against any claims of vandalism, but the stench was guaranteed to offend the Fucktard’s tender sensibilities to the max. The following morning, as I was heading out the door for the last time, the asshat called to ask what the new alarm code was so he could move back in.

    ME: “Same as it ever was.”

    FUCKTARD: “What??? You told me you’d changed it.”

    ME: “I lied. HAAAAAAA.”

      • What is comical is how much they underestimate us. Once we get our righteous anger on, they really are no match. It mystifies them that we aren’t working for them anymore after all those years of conditioning.

  • Tracy!!! Rocking all the new content. Thank you so much for all the hard work you do for us!

    Laugh, you say? The first time I laughed after D-Day was when I came here. Your sweary truth tickled my funnybone!

  • I learned long ago to use humor to defend and protect myself. I also learned to be careful. I cannot remember who said it, but while I was reading today a quote from ??? popped in my mind — something like “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”
    I often used snark and sarcasm when talking to my ex’s. Sometime when I really hit the button I saw a dangerous level of rage in their eyes. I suppose they can say or do anything, but we are supposed to know our place (useful to them, and clueless). But do remember what you are dealing with my friends — a good laugh is very healing, but you can only heal if you are alive. Some of the “Shit Cheaters Say” just begs for a response. It is like watching the Smother’s Brothers or Sonny and Cher, or Rowan and Martin. Their stupidity just begs for a response — just make sure you can get away with unleashing your tongue. It can be a deadly weapon!

    • Portia, very true.
      You just never can tell with a person.
      I always joked that my divorce was an episode of dateline waiting to happen or I’d say things like ” if I go missing, look at my ex first”….but sometimes you wonder .

      • I told my family the same thing after STBX said to me, apropos of nothing, “The kids and I would be okay if you died.”

    • Good point! x is a paranoid, sexual predator with a drinking problem and a loaded gun in his hip pocket everywhere he goes.

      I hope I never run into him.

      Also he’s dumb.

    • I was silent for 6 months after d day one million or whatever, I truly don’t know…and he still almost beat me to death, didn’t matter what I did…so…yeah…be safe and far, far away.

      Once my divorce was final and I could finally sell and move…my realtor suffered a stroke! (he’s okay!) so sent his right hand gal to handle things…lucky for me, she was a fellow chump! I didn’t know it at the time, but, she did cause my realtor had told her. First thing she said was, ‘We need to get you out of here and safe, asap!’ …I later learned she and her toddler son escaped death at the hands of her x…they were 6 months divorced when he kicked down her door (in her new apartment, she presumed was unknown to him) and put a gun to her head. …it was on the news so I remembered it…shudder! …he served jail time, sure…but she will live with that forever.

      Christie is one of my saviors.

  • Oh boy,

    If I could do my whole disengagement over again (note: I do not want to do that again) I would go heavily on the dismissive laughing approach, narcissists HATE that. The picture in their head is that they loom large in your life, and actually get off knowing how much pain they have put you in.

    In the right context, laughing at them is some in their face dark arts wizard level Meh.

  • Pretty much everything since dday the 2nd has been comedy gold. I share stories of his offers of post-divorce sex, claims of being all, open-minded polyamorous, his horny goat and newfound exercise interest, all of it. It is kind of terrible because I was never a mean girl but the stories are just so damn funny! Give me a glass of wine and boom! My marriage breakup becomes stand up.

    I enjoy knowing how much it would bother him. Also, since dday, he parades around with OW. Early on, I warned him that would look bad since we aren’t completely out about what is happening. Since then, I figure I’ve seeded the rumor mill, so anyone who sees him now can find it funny. I know this is super passive aggressive and I do feel a tiny bit bad about that, really I do. Really. Bwahaha.

  • Once again CL is spot on. Outside the lawyers office she tried to negotiate something with me and I told her I’m not doing this, you’ve given me reason to no longer trust you. She responded with “I don’t exactly trust you anymore either”. I just started laughing uncontrollably and told her “that is down right laughable”. It was the only time I saw her shook to the core during the whole process.

    • Chumpy dad, something similar happened with me.

      As a part of our agreement, I sold the marital home. I was using my portion of the proceeds to close on my new place and of course, the marital home closing was delayed. I didn’t want to lose my new place so I asked cheater if he was ok with me taking the funds out of another joint asset and then replacing them when we closed. He said yes – then called back to ask if I would do the same for him if the situation was reveresed. I could tell he was setting me up for future manipulation. After going back and forth trying to play nice to keep the peace, I finally blurted out “No, I wouldn’t do the same for you because you are not someone I trust. You, on the other hand, know you can trust me.” He ended the call. Fortunately the next morning all fell into place and we closed on the marital home and I was able to close on my new, cheater-free home.

      After that, I went NC – blocked him on all social media and with my mobile carrier. When you block a number through the mobile carrier, an undeliverable message is returned when they try to contact you (at least my carrier does). I would have loved to have seen his face when he got that message.

  • Narcs get offended by all types of things (e.g., no contact, ridicule, the innocent standing up for themselves). Although I do not try to ridicule my cheater, I think that my being asked out by men and starting a happy long-term relationship after cheater left has the same effect on cheater as being ridiculed or even reasonably laughed at for outrageous, offensive stuff he says. Many of the things that offend a narc are things that show a narc he/she is not the center of your universe.

    • My STBX has no clue I am seeing someone. I don’t think he would care but my family does. He is not above using it against me, certainly.
      I do think he would be surprised that I have moved on. He interprets my dislike of him and gray rock as me being broken hearted.
      Best of all, I have no desire to tell him because I just don’t give a fuck how he feels about it.

  • I took the ridicule as a weapon approach. But I’d already made up my mind that it would be the last time I ever spoke to him. I wanted to mindfuck him back for once and make him lose control before I went total no contact.

    And it was glorious.

    The more I provoked, the more distracted he got, and the less he was able to hold the lies together. And that only gave me more openings to strike. He couldn’t keep up, completely lost his cool, and eventually came completely unraveled and resorted to flinging wild accusations against me. The skillful liar and master manipulator who thought he was smarter than everyone else lost control and got his ass kicked in a battle of will and words.

    It felt so fucking gratifying to go out on that note.

  • In the early days after D day, I couldn’t laugh about anything, but for some reason Mr Fab took EVERYTHING I said as ridicule. He hated my guts, and acted accordingly, that is the only way he could rationalize what he did. So no matter what I said, he’d think I was getting at him somehow, so he gave me the silent treatment about his schedule, care for kiddo, mortgage, etc. It hurt like hell at the time, but was actually a blessing in disguise-it means I call the shots now vis a vis Kiddo, and I am NC for good.

    So while it is easy to ridicule him (ponytail AND Picard hairline, beerbelly and kilt, Lord of the Dungheap and Homunculus Extraordinaire, shacked up with the family bike-his bros, dad and cousins have all taken a ride over the years), I am trying to scour him out of my head still. Getting a life. Plus, middle aged men who fuck their sisters in law don’t need me to point out how ridiculous they are.

    Mr Fab doesn’t get the joke. He IS the joke.

  • A game I played for my own amusement when I realised the traitor is a narc was get books written by well known scientists for the general public (like me). I would read them and enjoy them, he would skim through and dismiss them. The usual remark was So and So is only an American professor, they are just like lecturers here. Or, he would say academics are people who know a lot about very little. The traitor is a plant physiology PhD dropout, so it used to hit a nerve whenever I mentioned anyone who actually finished their PhD and did research…I played this game more and more often to have a giggle to myself during the last stages. Then I told his oldest sons to play it with him too…Then I pointed out to them that their mother, his first wife, actually writes books and has readers. They are not my cup of tea (fantasy-dragons and romance) but I am still waiting to read traitor’s first book and I’ve never written anything.

  • I too would reiterate, pick your target carefully. I never laughed at cheater ex to his face, only behind his back. You all know how my story turned out. You never know to what extent they will lose their shit over
    being ridiculed. Above all, stay safe!

    • Hardest lesson ever learned, Tessie. When in doubt, forget all else and run like your hair is on fire. Get your loved ones to safety as well. The impossibly evil does happen occasionally, and once is much more than enough to learn precautions.

  • I can only remember one event where it was sooo absurd I had to laugh. I didn’t like it because I was still in love, but I knew it was the end.
    I told her I was going to take back the finances, separate our accounts and start paying her half of all the expenses as if it were alimony. She resisted and looked me in the eyes and said “why? Don’t you trust me?” I laughed, and said WTF??? She immediately changed the subject. It was so telling that she now knew the gig was up. It really hurt me, but solidified my resolve.

    • Mine also got butthurt about money. He got mad about me moving half the savings into my own account. The only reason he noticed is because on his mommy’s advice he was going in to do the same thing…

        • After Cheater Narc nuked his relationship with our kids, it became clear they were not going to rush back into his arms because he said he was sorry (well, sort of sorry. SOOOOO much minimizing in his apology letter …). His mother, with whom I had had a great relationship, and who I thought adored our kids, suggested he have more kids! Yeah, because he had always been a mediocre parent, then post-separation a terrible one. Let’s put MORE kids into a position to be hurt by him. And of course, that would be sooooo nice for my kids! Bad enough the discard while he was entranced w/Schmoops, let’s just replace them entirely!

          I haven’t been able to think of ex-MIL the same way since I heard about this. But I guess it clarified that he didn’t get his crap life skills only from his abusive cheater father.

    • STBX had the gall to ask, “Don’t you have feelings for me anymore?” / “Aren’t you going to fight for US?”

      This was over text message. It was utterly ridiculous so I didn’t respond. A few weeks later he changed his plea to, “Aren’t you going to give me a chance to prove myself?”

      ENGH! (*wrong buzzer sound*) still not quite the right kind of plea I was looking for, you idiot.

      Honestly, his attempts at wreckonciliation is so pathetic and laughable ???

  • I have used this before in a texting conversation. It worked pretty well, got him flustered and off-balance, then I just went silent. I totally got the upper hand. Not sure it would work every time though. Another one that works for me, because we only communicate in writing and he really sucks at it, is responding, “English please”. For example, he texts me “Yea his birthday is on Monday you have the weekend I don’t let him have some time with my son on his birthday”, totally unintelligible and I just can’t help it. He gets so upset because English is his second language. Haha!

  • STBX was always this manly man, so when skinny jeans for me became a trend he was disgusted. He would say,”No straight man should be caught dead wearing skinny jeans.” Fast forward to present-day and said STBX, 42 years old, has a pair in every friggin’ color (cringe). Well nothing was funnier than my daughter (7) and my son(12) asking, “Dad why are your pants so tight?” I think I laughed so long and hard, it surely was worthy of an Oscar nod. Well if looks could kill I’d be dead. He slammed the door and went out to meet Schmoopie…(shrugs)

  • “Duck, because narcissist rage comes next.”
    This is so true. I am not thinking about ridicule, though, but about calling them out on their behavior and trying to make them see how wrong it is (which, as Chump Lady rightly says, they already understand). But they hate hearing it and will turn hateful on you.
    I came across Proverbs 9:7 the other day, and found it instructive: “…whoever rebukes the wicked incurs abuse.”
    There is truly nothing new under the sun.

    • My ex would totally lose it if I mocked him to his face, I do believe it would be a very dangerous thing for me to do. But my trying to explain how he did wrong? Truly doesn’t bother him one tiny bit, perhaps just a little bit annoying because I was so insistent on it for years. Because he’s 100% completely and totally sure that everything he’s ever done was fine, justified, and/or ‘not a big deal’.

  • I think the last face to face conversation we had post D-Day was about five years ago.

    He said I had no idea who he really was.

    My ex has always prides himself on his genius originality and creativity.

    “Goodness” I said “I don’t think I heard what you said properly. It sounded very much like a middle aged man saying that his middle aged wife doesn’t understand him. But that would be such a cliché…”

    He was furious.

    Bwahahahaha. It was all a cliché. Done now.

  • Laugh and laugh at the absurdity of the coupling of two swift fucks.

    My favorite is laughing at the OW who after giving him an ultimatum, reportedly told him he couldn’t speak to me, taunted, stalked and repeatedly approached me for well over a year.

    One day she walked right up to me and said it’s time we make peace. At which point I couldn’t help laughing as I said out of all the whores he fucked with she was by far the ugliest, skankiest of all giving blow jobs in cars. And when I saw the rage itade a swift exit.

    The first time I saw them together sitting at a bar I laughed hysterically when I saw her fucking grotesque face as she turned around. Still laughing as she screamed and threatened me I shook my head and stated, “good luck introducing that to your kids, what an embarrassment.”

    The comedic value lies in the future actions as well. After attempting to get the money for health insurance the Limited was full of polite responses. I dropped her nickname (Nanthony) and he said he was grateful the kids were not mean like their mother. I reminded how tough it had been raising three children while living with a man who lead a double life. A serial cheater.

    She replied stating he was the best lover she had ever had. My response, haha 2 inches. I’m still laughing.

  • Love this CL!! I think the turning point for me was when I received a text message saying how much of a terrible mother I was and I needed to put the welfare of the kids first. My response was LOL, hahaha, thanks for the laugh from a man who never once bothered to see his own really sick son in hospital because he was too busy with his girlfriend and living 5 minutes away and from the man who told his kids he was leaving and dumped them at home while nobody was there and left them there to cry and it was my own father who picked them up off the kitchen floor. The man who only acknowledges his own kids about twice a year because his is all sparkly and special… All I got was silence…. I’ve been pretty much no contact ever since. Blocked him on everything.

  • Ok, I hate to keep referring to Harry Potter spells as anti-cheater weaponry, but – nothing finishes off a boggart like LAUGHTER! Point your mental wand, cast Riddikulus and finish them off with a giant belly laugh!!!!

    This will heal your soul!

  • This is what the “Bye Felipe” ladies advocate too, for unsolicited horrible comments from men while online dating. They say to use humor because otherwise you internalize it, but horrible comments deserve to be called out and for the troll to be mocked. It’s pretty hilarious, and there is something really empowering about it instead of quaking with fear. For dangerous folks, yes, by all means, avoid this! But for lots of people I think they deserve to take a little of what they dish out. And it IS absurd af.

    (If you don’t know Bye Felipe, check it out on IG)

  • My XH used to start each email with a ” hello Digbert,

    I hope you are okay……..
    Then it would cut to what he really wanted followed by a please don’t start with the sark- try and be civil because inevitably I would red pen respond all his ( mainly financial/ house / divorce related matters) with a huge dose of Irish wit and sarcasm. Hey, he used to like my sense of humour…I had a lot of fun sharing my responses with my sister and BF.

    Anyway I have been 100% NC for nearly 2 years now but whilst maintaining the house prior to selling up I had to deposit a regular amount for maintenance and running costs etc.including partial mortgage payments for 2 yrs into a joint account (solely for the house). I referenced each payment NARC or XLUMPY ( cos he called me a useless lump in bed before he bailed) and had great fun seeing my annual bank account read :
    NARC or XLUMP payment Dec….Jan etc. These would have appeared on the joint account statement too.

    XH never said anything but always protested he was not a
    NARC, he was a good person – he just fucked up that’s all…

    I also wrote ( against CL’s advice here – but it helped me move on immensely) a very witty and succinct letter to his parents providing factual information about the nature of my marraige break up and their son’s behaviour throughout the years. It still makes me chuckle every time l occasionally read a paragraph – I can imagine their faces- if I was gonna be painted and labelled bat shit crazy I was a least gonna go out with a bang! I waited 3 years before sending that one.

    You have to make sure the cheater knows you are laughing and making fun of them and not inviting them to have a friendly banter ‘cos otherwise they can misconstrue that as flattery – I mean you still want them right? 🙂

  • A snark I remember was early on after DDay with an MC (yes.been there done that. Checked that off my list with a serial cheater).

    I said I had set up a separate bank account to deposit my paltry paychecks becausr previously I was puttting them into our joint account and he was using that $ to entertain his married decade-long fuckbuddy.

    He was so pissed and exclaimed to me and the MC, ” We never discussed this!” The ‘this’ being my own checking account. My snark reply was, “yeah . Well we never discussed you fucking co workers, random ho’s, your AFF profile AND your very special fuckbuddy either.”

    What a fucking moron.

  • For a long time, I daydreamed about anonymously mailing articles, like this one from ‘The Onion,’ to x at work: http://www.theonion.com/article/asian-teen-has-sweaty-middle-aged-man-fetish-2649

    Then, I daydreamed and prayed that he would go to prison for being a predator and I would send him things like this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/renee-fisher/why-older-men-should-date-younger-women_b_6938060.html

    Now I wonder why I wanted to waste a stamp.

    I do still wish that marriage vows were taken seriously enough by our culture that Cheaters would expect to be forehead-tattooed as a matter of course upon discovery.

    • Hi Roaring,

      I’m glad I caught your post! Great articles! Snark in the First Degree!

      I was wondering if you ever posted the full story about how he tried to buy a 15 year old sex slave overseas.

      Did he attempt to buy as in he was thwarted in an attempt to purchase sexual services from the girl’s pimp?

      Or as in to actually purchase the girl physically like buying a puppy or kitten?

      A hellacious bastard for sure! Him getting away scot free legally is proof the Devil looks after his own.

  • Snark is the balm that soothes the chumps sole.

    After a conversation with Cheater yesterday quit out of the blue. It became apparent that he was trying to butter me up to have the girls a few extra days following on from their summer holidays with him in order to keep his visitation weekends aligned with that of his step kids allowing he and the new victim to have a child free weekend on the alternate. I saw straight through it and took joy in pointing this out and once again pointed out how our parenting plan works. Sorry if that upsets you freedom, not my problem. This bullshit conversation which was a textbook version of bait and switch was infuriating. After the call, I phoned a friend. By the end of my conversation with her, we were both laughing that Cheater still thinks he will get away with this level of deception.
    Reality is his methods have not changed and are so old they could be carbon dated.

  • I had to call the police on my cheater so I don’t poke that tiger. I find ignoring him is best for me. I have great friends and we share a good laugh at his antics. My cheater said when confronted about his double life, “Yes, I did that for a brief period of time.” I replied, “Who cares if it was brief?! The fact that you could do it at all is disgusting.” Narcs always minimize and downplay. He was quiet after that. What a loser.

  • I have never physically feared my cheater because he and I both know I could drop him in a red hot second.

    I now know that I have the upper hand on him when he speaks to me like shit because it is the true mark of his character, his shitty attitude is the true man behind the mask. So I am working on not letting that demeaning tone weight on me when it happens. He needs to preserve all the energy he has to maintain his mask with the new victim. I have also learned that the closer I get to the truth of who he is the angrier he gets. But he cannot lash out as that would work against him. He trades on being passive and in control, it has aided his being a victim narrative. When he announced his relationship this his new victim, knowing how he operates I knew eventually they would be married. So one day when stuck in his company without means of escape I mentioned I had heard about his relationship. He was so smug, I responded to his smugness with “well I guess if she is willing to take it up the ass and give you blowjobs in public toilets, she will make the perfect wife.”
    He just gave me that dead cold stare that I had become so accustomed to. Next thing I knew all the fear and anger I had swelling around inside me gave way to giggling. I just stared back and laughed. He tried to cut me down by claiming my laugh was fake. I didn’t care because I knew it was pissing him off. That was the day I started to get my power back.

  • I’ve often fantasised about what I would say if I ever bumped into OW and hubby. (I’ve never met her) This article has solved that problem. I am just going to crack up laughing and say “Oh my god, so this is who you cheated with, that’s hilarious!” and walk off

  • Been on a little break from Chump Lady (my justified anger was being empowered and since I still share a house, I need to put the anger on simmer for awhile) and this was a timely post to come back to. Only yesterday as the cheater raged at me and threw a big, full literal bag of trash down at my feet, I burst out spontaneously laughing. I mean, it was like a ridiculous two year old tantrum in a grown mans body. I was surprised I laughed. Normally I am terrified by his rage. After reading this post I’m hoping it’s a good sign.

  • I agree that laughter is empowering, as is standing up to abusive, bullying behavior; so combining the two makes sense.

    I also agree that you’re VERY likely to get a vindictive reaction from these entitled, arrogant, selfish, disordered assholes no matter what you do. I am pretty sure that in the case of my cheating STBXW, I’d be getting some form of rage from her if I didn’t act exactly as she imagines that I should in her mind, and I am sure that many, many of you would have similar reactions form your cheating exes, so we might think “what the hell” and laugh in their faces.

    Just be very, very careful. Cheating is abusive aggression and some of these messed-up characters will escalate; that could happen in many forms, but don’t overlook their options *legally*. A lot of that stuff might come back to bite you if you’re not careful. I’m not saying to live in fear of them, but just realize that a lawsuit with a disordered fuckwad douchecanoe is probably not in your best interests.

    Another option: lawyer up well and laugh all the way to the bank with your settlement. That’s what I did :).

  • I agree to laugh at them, but to yourself. These people have shown just how unbelievably petty and small they can be. So I think it’s like poking the bear to laugh at them openly. They will get you back and I don’t think we need to invite anymore of that kind of ickyness into our lives just for the satisfaction of a quick chuckle at their expense. I agree that finding the humor in the situation is healthy, but since they are unhealthy, and very angry people, keep it to yourself. Or share it with a sympathetic and good humored friend. I recently reported something my stbxh said to me, to my best friend. And she replied that I couldn’t make this stuff up if I was writing a novel. lol She couldn’t believe how silly he is emotionally.

    They really are to be both laughed at and in some cases pitied a bit. Because WE will go on to have happy relationships or be happy on our own. They are addicts and a mess and will be unhappy and slowly go downhill. They NEED other people like a vampire needs blood. And their other addictions like sex addiction/ow and alcohol in my stbxh’s case, to keep going. They are weak people. We are learning to be strong and healthy again. It’s funny at times but also sad. If you can laugh at it to yourself then all the better for you. Anything that helps and doesn’t hurt you, to get through all of the crappy first year post breakup.

    • Excellent advise. 🙂

      I am laughing at him from far away and it’s been great. Those antics that I feared before when I was still under the spell of mindfuckery seemed so foolish and childish now. My friends were able to laugh at him right away post Dday as they don’t really know him well and have a more objective perspective and I resented them for it (since I was still in shock and under the false belief that his failure is mine to own). But now I feel I can laugh WITH them 😛

      So there is some progress, at least and my friends see this 😀

  • I so love rading the funnies!
    I have been involved w a npd off n on 3plus years. I am far too knowledgable now! So yes, having fun with laughs and predicting their behaviour is almost a game.

    Mine has invited me overseas…and in true npd fashion, tried to start conflict already. I listed the lunatic things he had texted, to try to infuriate me, and said I loved him…and dont need to understand him….But I WANT him to get whatever it is, he is needing, for it wont affect my self esteem, just the amount of intimacy for him…and it woukdnt result in any loss….FOR me. I emphasized that geting riled up was too much effort, on my part and that I dont plan on caring more than the opposite party…on…anything…”too much work”

    Then said i needed to chat elsewhwere.
    He wanted to know who I would be chatting with at 2am…?
    Told him I have just as many international “friends” and that jealousy wasnt becoming on him.

    There is something truly empowering in truly understanding how to DISCARD…the discarder.
    He says he is scared I am bringing this attitude on our trip(??????)

    Also empowering; knowing where to go when bored with the nod. We all know how boring they can be…or irritating….or when they throw a 2yr old tanttum.

    He is hoping I can utilize the asian restraint, of an asian prostitute.
    Oh, my………..

    Im afraid the restraint I am capable of is existing as if he does not….ALL the way to eternity…and so glad to be doing it when he wants to reunite, too. Move back in together…play house. Lol

    Bucko, I am pushing 50. And this one is for every person ever fucked over by a douchebag.
    I almost wanna video the serving up the same dish….he is so confused already, and scratching his head, changing tactics etc….I almost feel guilty. Not really.

    Sell narcissism somewhere else.
    We r all stocked up here.

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