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The Annual Infidelity Valentine’s Day Poetry Contest

valentineYou didn’t think I forgot, did you? It’s time again for Infidelity Valentines!

During this season of love, roses, and cut-rate chocolates, it’s important to remember the less fortunate — those poor sods that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.

So send me a poem! Just like previous year’s contests, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winners get inscribed copies of my book (I’ll ship anywhere). I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day and draw some accompanying cartoons. So hey, the day isn’t a total waste, right?

To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.

I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.

A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.

There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys

To inspire you, here are former winners with cartoons:

notplanBLina 

“Nice guy” was only for show
You passive aggressive asshole
The children and me
Will NOT be “plan B”
I lied, sex was only so-so

ThatGirl

Christmas come and gone
Jewelry from Tractor Supply
Can’t make this shit up

tractorjewelry

Bring it ON, CN!

P.S. To those of you wondering where the Xmas cartoons are — I will do a twofer, and get them all up by Valentine’s Day. Our guest bedroom doubles as my office/studio and it’s been occupied since Xmas… that and I seem to spend my weekends at protests lately. Any who — sorry for the delay, but my cartooning powers shall return!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Tracy, PLEASE protest. It is, afterall, for the same cause. We understand. And who can throw the first stone where deadlines are concerned?

  • Finally the lies and secrets are out
    Now, we know what your “love” was about
    Holding mommy’s hand
    And in the end, fucking Thailand
    That’s it. Now, the kids and I are out.

    • The was a man from Nantucket
      He didn’t care if it moved he d fuck it
      Now it’s no surprise
      She gives him black eyes
      And I no longer care
      He s lost all his hair
      all I can think
      Is how much she drinks
      And he thought his life was looking up
      Overflowing with misery is his cup

  • I suffered your barrage of bullshit
    And endured a love counterfeit
    Our family you did raze
    And I’m better these days,
    But surviving you required true grit.

  • There once was a fella named Mac
    Who swore to love me to the moon and back
    Till a chica named Sue
    Said her love was more true
    I say he left me for her rack!

    (Not real names – I never met Sue, Mac insisted it was purely emotional but how could I trust him at that point, right?)

  • There once was a drummer so fine
    She fell for his ever-y line
    But he only told lies
    And he liked to fuck guys
    So she woke up and booted the slime

    • My Ex plays drums too and I just snorted soup out of my nose while reading this one!! Sadly, his Brokeback Ho isn’t as smart. She’s too desperate to let go and find something better. I guess they just wallow in each others sorry-ass company.

      • In a way, I guess he was. He had me convinced he was a chump too, and gave me examples of times that he realized he had wronged someone, felt bad, and did something to make up for it. I’m sure that was another lie too.

  • Twenty eight years of extreme money saving
    Denying myself while at the same time slaving
    Your email invited her to join the mile high club
    You wanted to show her your little stub
    But now I can buy anything I am craving

  • There is something I did uncover
    I found a most wonderful lover
    Though she said you were the best
    With just with one did I test
    Oh, the lies you tell one another

  • Mine doesn’t conform to haiku or limerick criteria but has a rhythm I think

    Ode to Arseface

    Thought we should be civil
    Thought we should be friends
    Thought that I would pick me dance till the very end
    You thought you were a super stud
    With your harem of whores
    And now I hope your dick is pocked with suppurating sores
    You said that I was bitter
    That my potty mouth was crass
    Take your opinions
    And shove them up your ass
    Cos now I’m in the land of meh
    And I think you’re a prick
    Couldn’t care if a thousand whores
    Were swivelling on your dick.

  • She claimed she was “faithful to God”
    Not true to what she did with her bod.
    Lying to her came easy
    But her words and actions to God were not pleasing
    She should be expecting not heavenly blessings but a rod.

  • A friend with a dubious smile
    Short on substance and long on style
    Started screwing my wife
    Disloyalty and lies appeared rife
    Now wife is ex and he’s a friend but erstwhile

  • So sad the sausage doth cry
    While at Meh I am eating my pie (gluten free)
    No one left to hear your pitiful lies
    Unless you count the one he rides
    Enjoy those greasy pub fries

  • Not a word of remorse so far
    Upon death put his pea brain in a jar
    Place it next to the one with his faux dick
    like a magician whose created a trick
    So indistinguishable its quite bizarre

  • Lying and cheating right from the start
    I bet you didn’t think I was this smart
    I finally caught onto you
    And now we are through
    I’m Valentine’s Day shopping at PetSmart

  • It’s not the turd on the shit cake
    it’s not the hidden money you make
    It’s the pretense and grand-standing
    It’s the offence and gaslighting
    It’s that everything you are, say and do is fake

  • The man with no personality
    Has lost all of his centrality
    Poke whatever you choose
    In the end you did lose
    With her you have commonality

  • I have more…second verse…I’ll start over..

    He LOVED his money a LOT!
    At work he kept a cot
    He screwed them all
    WOW did he fall
    The last one stole hi$ pot!

    They set him up in a $cam
    And hit him with a wham
    He couldn’t believe
    That she would deceive
    Yet she took his $$$$ and ran!

  • You’re not a person, you’re a pod
    Your view of love’s entirely odd
    A gloomy narcissistic sod
    You’re not a person, you’re a pod

    You’re not a person, you’re a fake
    You still think there’s likely cake
    You still leave drama in your wake
    You’re not a person, you’re a fake.

    You’re not a person, you’re a fraud
    I’m not bitter, I’m just…bored.
    I maybe wish that you’d be gored
    But you’re an unrelenting fraud

    You’re not a person, in the end
    Not my husband, not my friend
    Just a loser who pretends
    To be a person.Go get bent.

  • There once was an OBGYN lecher
    Who over serviced my cheater
    His prior history was no surprise
    And ultimately my wife’s demise
    When OBGYN begun to beat her

  • There was a fuck fucker of Fucking,
    Who loved whores all
    bucking and sucking,
    Shouting ‘take this wifey
    I like them all spicy’
    I said ‘fuck off and keep trucking’

  • Your face was so sad when you first came to see me
    Your wife, so it seems, was not light and breezy.

    She’d been a “mistake” you knew from the start,
    she spent you to death, and then broke your heart.

    I saw you so clearly you poor, suffering man,
    and I vowed to be yours with all that I am.

    And in three short, short years I bore you two sons
    I left my career; staying home was no fun.

    Then lo and behold it became so apparent
    That wife number 1 was not really a tyrant.

    And slowly but surely I took her place
    and ruined your life, you said to my face.

    And now wife number 3 is well on her way,
    she’s dreaming about her own special day.

    So proud to have a man like you,
    who certainly, for her, will always be true.

    Now I sit back and snicker when I think of your face
    when wife number 3 falls out of your grace.

    Perhaps I should warn her that you taking vows
    will never stop you from going on the prowl.

    Perhaps I should warn her how quickly you stray,
    that your tiny little dick will just find a way.

    You will cheat and you’ll lie, and steal from her too
    just like you did with Wives numbers 1 and 2.

    Instead I’ll just watch and ponder the reason
    that you cheat all the time, no matter the season.

    And someday all those who believed you were the victim
    will realize instead you are simply a chicken.

    Alone you will be, broke, scared, and all withered
    reaching out to all 3 “please take me, come hither”.

    “Take me back you will plead”, you sad little man
    but by then will remain not one single fan.

    So cry not for me as you read this poem
    Instead think of him and his wrinkled old scrotum.

    Cause revenge is all mine and I plan to take it
    for you, cheating asshole, are plainly a shit.

  • He met her at a Galleria,
    And she gave him gonorrhoea,
    His wife divorced him,
    Feeling quite grim,
    But will not miss his sleep apnea.

  • He could not resist his foreign bitches,
    Around his ankles fell his britches,
    At first his wife
    Feared for her life
    But when she saw them was in stitches.

  • There once was a horse faced whore named Leanne
    Apparently my husband’s penis is her biggest fan
    He now lives with Lele
    And I am begging please hurry & divorce me me
    So I can finally be with a decent man!

  • Discovering he was a wanker
    When I thought him only a banker
    I said ‘keep your whores
    and don’t darken my doors’
    Good riddance to that fucking anchor.

  • Once I had a good friend
    Whose willingness to help knew no end.
    She forgot to ask me though
    (or maybe she was just a ho)
    If my husband’s dick I could lend.

  • >ahem<
    Traded our lives for a new
    Roll with a "quality" shrew
    Maybe regretting
    Those choices, I'm betting
    Puffing dust in my side eye rear view.

  • He says faithful to her he’ll be
    Since she’s “So Special” unlike me
    Losing the “pick me dance”
    Winning at life with this chance
    I’m finally free.

  • There was a highfalutin bullshit factory
    That hired a hoochie to increase flattery
    Boss was Prince Sparkles-und-Peacock
    Who deserved the very best cock-suck
    So now he’s got shit for a salary

    Meanwhile Chump has stopped chasing her cheater
    Thanks to readings from the Bullshit Translator
    Full of Meh, pride and mightier
    This sixtyish old fighter
    Has said good riddance to Mr Manipulator

  • You need to read the 1st line slow to think about the dynamics 😉

    My Husband’s Hoes Husband was dyin
    My Husband? Well he was a lyin
    False bitch cried on the coffin
    While MY husband she’s boffin’
    Hell’s waiting to do lots of fryin’

  • Ok. Couldn’t resist a sonnet!

    DDay I find you in a foreign hole
    My heart broke in a thousand pieces
    And I discovered you had no soul
    But you were in fact a pile of faeces
    How thankful was I to find Chump Nation
    Who swear like sailors and won’t eat shit
    She bashes me with a castigation
    A 2×4 of lickedy split wit
    So my words to you my STBX
    Are to fuck the fuck off, over and done
    And I hope this hurts you what I say next
    Sex was not fun as you weigh half a tonne
    And you’ll never find me I know heh heh
    Tuesday I will be at a place called ‘meh’.

  • I have not had this much fun in ages!
    The extra special joy that comes from writing these while my actual cheater is a few feet away.
    Priceless.
    If I stop writing it’s because he’s wandered off and I have to devise a new hobby….

    • I was just thinking that you are so inspired because you have to put up with him in your house. Keep calm and carry on!

    • Whaaaaaat?! Cap, you still live/work with your cheater? I must have missed your story somewhere along the way. Why do you grace the dirtbag with your presence?

        • Hey Capricirn! I lived with BeelzeBob after he filed for divorce for over 6.5 years in the same house. Hence the nickname, since he made my life a living Hell every damn day. Happily, on the 6th year, 6th month & 6th day anniversary of being served divorce papers, the court approved the terms of our settlement and he has since moved out physically, but some of his stuff remains. So I’m here to tell you that it is possible to survive this: just keep your wits and sense of humor close at hand and you’ll be fine!! When it gets unbearable, come here and vent! We’ve got your back sister. ?

  • The OW is my tru luv he said
    Till she took another to bed
    A baby she had
    But he wasn’t the dad
    Sad sausage cried cuz he was misled!

  • There once was a whore named Rebecca
    She wanted my life and you let her
    Take you from me
    Think I’d shrink easily
    Now my lawyer’s a shark and I’ll get ya

    Sent from my iPad

  • One of your wonderful posters mentioned that she sleeps diagonally now that her cheater is gone. It struck a chord with me because I do that too! She inspired me! Here is my humble attempt at a Haiku poem:

    My diagonal
    unforeseen life of chaos
    I sleep like that now

  • I’ll love you till the end he said
    Until he found another to bed
    When kicked to the gutter
    All he could do was sputter
    As I tap danced all over his head

  • Pinned cheater’s balls to the wall through and through,
    FIFTEEN YEARS OF SUPPORT FOR GUESS WHO?
    Then the judge fair and wise
    She did take me aside
    And said “My daughter’s a chump just like you.”

  • Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    I love myself now
    More than I loved you.

    You said it was magic
    When you married your whore
    But really it’s tragic
    Since your sons don’t want to be yours anymore.

  • I once loved a man I call “nameless”
    To this day he still thinks he’s blameless
    He seemed quite perplexed
    That I deemed online sex
    An affair – although he says he came less

  • You think you are so cool
    Hip and mod with a chick
    12 years younger just sucking your dick

    You’re bald and not fit
    and your dick is so tiny
    I know you think you’re all that
    You’re not at all mighty

    You’ll be husband number four
    To that blond little whore
    Four kids from three daddy’s
    Sure won’t be boring
    Being daddy number four

    You left a wife
    and two kids
    After 32 years
    Who knew that your charm
    Was a cover for harm
    To us who fell prey
    To your abuse and disarray.

    He sucks. I sorta do at poems too!

  • Ok just got home from the Doc’s i can really enjoy this now. Time to vent poetically

    Not turned on when he grabbed my tit
    He found a hoe that enjoyed that shit
    There’s a price paid for Slurpee’s
    The Doc’s call it Herpes
    Well, Happy Valentines day Hoe enjoy it!

  • Just for good measure haha

    There once was a Husband named Kevin
    30 years he had my heart revvin’
    Hoe’s husband was dying
    Guess under who she’s now lying
    She sure as hell won’t go to Heaven

  • She’s just a friend, you say.
    “Working late” another day.
    Just fell outta love, you say.
    You’re just human… right, okay.
    D-Day ruined my birthday!
    But you and I can stay friends, you say.
    Hell no! Friends don’t betray.

  • disclosure – in the south we say things with MANY more syllables so I hope this actually works!

    For fucking the whore
    No responsibility
    Did he take himself

    and:
    ‘Til death do us part
    he said to my heart
    then he chose to fuck a whore
    now I love him no more
    to screw with my heart was not smart

    So now he’s flat broke
    Can’t afford even a smoke
    The price of cowardice is high
    Retribution is ‘nigh
    And I’ve got a great new bloke

  • There once was a lady who only said maybe
    She never said “yes” or “no”
    Her indecision
    left her quite smitten
    With a man who was only “so so”.

  • Your dicks small I did get the tweezers
    Makes me laugh till my lungs get the wheezes
    Hoe’s already grumbling
    He’s hopeless, hoe’s mumbling
    Cause foreplay consists of tit squeezes

    Hit ’em where it hurts vain bastards 😉

      • And don’t they all do it? Your sweaty, you’ve had a shit day, tired, feeling fat and standing at the bench trying to get dinner ready, they come up behind you….
        do the old “penis grind” into your bum (because it’s just so huge and the thought of it just has to get your motor revving right?) it’s like their saying “Hey baby look what i’ve got for you, you lucky, lucky girl!”…and then the hand swoops around and OINK OINK there it is… the ole tit squeeze!
        And oh my God doesn’t it just turn you right on to the point that you just have to have them, now, on the kitchen floor RIGHT NOW!!!!
        NOT!

  • He watched Californication
    Sad divorced dad complication
    Fancied his ex
    But “just for the sex”
    No, it was all manipulation

  • Never have I cheated before
    so it went in our family folklore
    Bastard was lying
    Now he is crying
    Can but hope his dick is now sore

    • Ha, ha, ha, Traitor pulled the same shit! Just more gaslighting to make me think I earned the privilege of being the only one he cheated on. Liar.

  • believe me, its not true
    Would I ever lie to you?
    A fuck fest its not
    you’re talking rot
    All as he texted his new

  • Traitor, traitor, you sleazeball
    what has happened to your ball (s)
    did the whore’s cats eat them all?
    All she had to do is call

  • Gradwhore took your pleasure to new heights
    And satisfied your lustful appetites
    The wife you are slighting?
    Her lawyer she’s inciting
    And now wishes you internal parasites.

  • Husband was a closeted man
    Of Queer eye for the straight guy a fan
    When the truth was laid bare
    He declared it all fixed with prayer
    And took great offence that I ran.

  • I had cancer, I found out v-day.
    You and my bestie there for me, all the way
    But as I lay beat up,
    You two turned the heat up.
    Watch how fast your family runs away.

  • “Let’s make our marriage more open”
    he insisted, emphatically hoping
    she’d not find amiss
    his lie “twas only a kiss”
    as with their newborn she freshly was coping

  • My last I promise! I’ll just keep them to myself now. I seem to be thinking in rhyme now. It is very therapeutic!

    For want of character fidelity was lost
    For want of fidelity the truth was lost
    For want of the truth the trust was lost
    For want of the trust the spouse was lost
    For want of the spouse the children were lost
    For want of the children the family was lost
    And all for the want of strange.

    Rock on chumps.

  • There once was a cheating old hobbit
    Who’d get drunk and piss in my closet
    He thought I’d eat shit
    But I ain’t a twit:
    I’m channelling Lorena Bobbit

  • I had thought she was just his ex-wife
    Didn’t know she was still in his life
    Till I looked on his phone
    6 more! She wasn’t alone!
    Now we’re divorced, no more trouble and strife.

  • I googled in sad desperation
    “Secret friends” and “hidden relations”
    He lied and denied
    Trickle truthed; how I cried
    But now I’m mighty cus I found Chump Nation!

  • I had a husband called Dave
    Presumed he knew how to behave
    Found encrypted accounts
    He used for his skanks
    Too late Lying Deceitful Bastard, no longer your slave.

  • The title of mine is “I win”

    This was a blessing in disguise
    Through the hurt I saw past your lies
    Our state is at fault
    So you’ll lose what I bought
    And soon the skanks will realize you’re no prize

  • Today I would like to pay homage
    To his French unicorn with some frontage.
    But then quel horreur!
    It all turned to ‘merd’ or manure.
    She was a horse all along. Quel domage.

  • Your therapist said “be selfish”
    GREAT! This was your fondest life wish!
    Now you’re out the door
    You cheating narcissist bore
    And I hear lying no more

  • She tortured herself each time he went missing
    Wondering which gym whore now he was kissing
    Until the day she finally got wise
    And learned that her husband preferred fucking guys
    He now owns just one pot to piss in.

  • There once was an asshole named Rob
    Many gym whores he met at his job
    They were asian and slim
    Falling all over him
    “How could I resist?” he would sob.

    He listed each whore in his phone
    Using code known by himself alone.
    When his wife thought to pry
    He would quickly deny
    And made snooping her sin to own.

    His conquests fed more than his pride
    Made his hetero claim bonafide
    He ignored his wife’s tears
    Over 30 long years
    While fucking a guy on the side.

    When his wife finally learned his deceit
    A speedy divorce he did meet
    To his boyfriend he wailed
    Half my assets have sailed!
    While the wife met a new Rob most sweet!

  • Never got me roses,
    The weeds you got me from thr grocer were purple and green.
    You lied and cheated for years,
    So “fuck you”,
    on my way to Meh.

    The end.

    On an unrelated note, I’m not good at poetry. It’s also hard to think of v-day because my b-day is one day after, so i have the double-whammy anxiety attack of when either turns into d-day.

  • While I worked overtime to help pay the rent
    To my supervisor’s bed is where you went
    After I set you free
    I finished my degree
    And fired him because I’m the new bank President.

  • Cheaters think they can undermine
    with lies a sharp as porcupines
    they will all be forgotten
    because they are rotten
    so no thoughts of them on Valentine’s.

  • I will play the game no more
    enough was given to the whore
    I am so done giving
    same with forgiving
    so I claim victory with this war.

  • I once sacrificed my identity
    because of all this obscenity
    so get busy living
    or get busy dying
    inner peace is your serenity

  • You come here to ease your heart
    I ‘m not giving you a kickstart
    you took him into your bed
    and you were giving him head
    now lay in it with him, sweetheart.

  • There once was a chump from Nantucket
    Who on D-day decided to chuck it
    Took the cash, house, and kids
    (Gave him the Tupperware lids)
    And left the cheater free just to fuck “it”!

  • There was never a marriage proposal
    Gifts included a garbage disposal
    As we lay there in bed
    “I fucked them” he said
    Hope he shrivels like a rat in Chernobyl

  • You perfected your namaste,
    As a way to get a lay.
    Now your Karma does suck,
    Unlike your new fuck,
    And a shitload of alimony you will pay!

  • Pictures of you having sex with your whore
    Made me vomit, lose my mind and more
    So while you were out skanking
    An attorney I got to banking
    So I could kick your ass out the door

  • There once was a cheat named Drew who fancied himself oh-so-clever.
    Swore to chump he’d be faithful forever.
    Chump woke up to his tricks,
    Fought back with bricks,
    And explained to him ‘never’ means ‘NEVER.’

  • Holding on to a promise gone, no words can make it right.
    Holding on is a valiant song that haunts a lonely night.
    Cherished things, golden rings, you smiled and you said yes!
    I felt like a queen in my gown, my dream.
    but it was just a rented dress!

  • My STBX is a cheater and a liar
    His pants are always on fire
    After pleading that he had changed
    I wised up and retained
    Now I’m lining up my ducks
    It’s expensive to have secret fucks

  • Two haiku.

    Count Me Out

    The two became three.
    Mistress praised one black heart.
    Marriage meant zero

    Narcissus Reflected

    Image of himself,
    Perfected in dim gaslight,
    Flickers in her eyes.

  • O utside the delivery room he cried. Because he could not be inside. The laboring mother.. (girlfriend of his brother) Has some interesting secrets to hide

  • I’m sorry but the best I can come up with is from Sam Kinison…

    You lied! You lied! You stupid bitch you LIED!! You’re a whore! You used me! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!

  • Disclaimer – amatuer Poet 🙂

    I am so sorry
    I didn’t meant to hurt you
    I just didn’t know
    that my lying cheating ways would make you blue
    She gave me attention
    I couldn’t resist
    Doesn’t mean I don’t love you
    Maybe you both can coexist
    I’m still here for you
    You must know.
    You and I can still make it
    If you only let things go.
    I may be an asshole
    But atleast I feel bad
    If we can stay married
    I would be so glad.

    Cause its all about me me me

  • Being pregnant, I was such a bother
    So he left me alone to fuck her
    He returned to the scene
    And gave me HPV
    SO I dumped that dumb mother fucker.

  • Suffering under the sparkly fist,
    Of my gaslighting wife narcissist,
    The shock! She was fucking that guy!
    But at least it explained my UTI.

  • There once was a fuckwit called snake
    Promises he made were all fake
    He cheated before
    He swore but no more
    But he couldn’t give up endless cake

  • Well…no poem, but I found this poetic… I flipped the page on my Finding Dory calendar to find Hank the octopus and the words, “GET LOST” for the oh so chumpy valentine’s month of February. LOL!!!! SOOOOO appropriate! 🙂

  • I was stunned on engagement day,
    not prepared you might say.
    You fell to your knees
    As I say , “No, please “.
    You looked so hurt,
    Than I found out you were a jerk.

    So offer me a ring
    On Valentines Day
    It’s all about you
    And how you play.
    Remember I will
    How you left me alone
    Thinking at your age with viagra you could roam.

    So pop another cork
    Open that beer
    Here’s to the vodka
    I will you cheer.
    Your limp d*ck went out on a stroll
    And now you are left with barely a bank roll.

  • There once was a glimmery cheater,
    Who said, “Oh, the wife?
    Yeah, I feed her.
    But these sluts over here,
    Are just like a big mirror.
    When I see cake,
    I just have to eat ‘er.”

  • Traitor, traitor, lying prick
    Can no longer see your dick;
    Hides under your fat belly,
    Sodomy made it smelly.
    Just a whiff of dick rot,
    Or maybe the whore’s snot?
    But now come what may
    I’m walking to meh

  • Everything was always about you,
    Then your lies made it easy to doubt you.
    But now I’m so proud,
    I want to shout it out loud,
    I’M SO MUCH HAPPIER WITHOUT YOU!!!

  • They cheated and lied to the end
    On divorce, our last dollar they’ll spend
    Now our children do cry
    And we beg for the why
    But their souls we cannot comprehend.

    We married far south of our station
    And stuck with them for the duration
    Extra chances were given
    Until we were driven
    To join the mighty Chump Nation

    Now we laugh and we joke
    At these immoral folk
    We trust that they suck
    We give not one fuck
    We are finally free from their yoke.

  • I once loved a fuckboy called Dave
    Who slut-chased and took while I gave
    He shacked up with a whore
    And at first, I was sore
    But now I ain’t no fuckboy’ slave

    • Susannah

      So sorry. As I’ve healed I see how my adult children have to live with the fact their father abandoned them. Hugs to you. It changes who you are and in time you will heal.

      • Thank you for your kind words, everyone. My biological father left my mother years ago, and me shortly after. The very last time I saw him, I had to beg him to come see me (I was in his state, with a three hour layover). I was a single mother of three small children, and I happened to be traveling for my new job, and could see him – he lived 6 states away at that point. He unfriended me on Facebook the summer before last, I didn’t even get to tell him my new husband and I were having a baby. I don’t know why he does these things, all I know is it hurts, and he told me he “had to set boundaries because he’s too busy growing old in America to deal with my chaos.” He told me this when I was a single mom with my youngest in ICU. His cruelty seems boundless, looking back.

        • DNA is overrated. He’s a piece of shit, and I’m glad he’s out of your life. I’m sorry for your pain. Trust that he sucks and KNOW that he doesn’t deserve you or your kids.

  • I have never posted here before. I usually just like to read other’s posts. I have chump lady’s hair so I had to post eventually, however. Here is my contribution. It may be a bit tame for this crew, but it expresses my sentiments for my situation and that of other chumps everywhere.

    When I lost you I knew not what to do
    It still hurts but I am feeling less blue
    I no longer cry and curse
    ‘Cause I know you have it worse
    For you have gained nothing and lost me too

    • Mine claims a long history of childhood sexual abuse. Maybe true, maybe manipulative, and very possibly both. Married nearly 29. Together 34 (ironically the very age of his latest chick, who was busy being born when I met cheater boy in college), but never word one until he was caught.

  • “True Story”

    Remember our names
    Carved on the tree in the bay?
    Well, I pissed on them.

    (Apologies for crudity. Felt good though)

    • Oh YASS!!! Hahaha, this one is the best Haiku by far! “Well, I pissed on them”, just Fabulous ??????

  • To Hannibal:

    Tour guide at Versailles
    Said Louis the fourteenth had
    more mistresses than you.

    Try to catch up, eh?
    Before you die or go limp.
    Can’t do it? haha!

  • Ere getting dumped by the prick
    Chump never wrote a limerick
    Thanks to traitor and his whore
    Chump’s no longer such a bore
    And the traitor’s still a dick

  • Wondering if the international chumps would like to join in their own languages? There must be plenty out there and their compatriots could give us comments too. That would be fun.

  • Flowers from you mean nothing, she said
    They will only wind up dead
    But after You finely moved from the dump
    A valentines rose from her captain is worth a hump
    And She wonders why you call yourself a chump

  • The cheat is a fraudulent charmer
    Who hijacks a chump and disarms her
    When the sky falls down
    And justice comes to town
    Chump Nation is poised for karma.

  • One more haiku.

    Clinical Wisdom

    My heels in stirrups.
    Chill steel speculum. Long swab.
    Cold feet way too late.

  • I’m coming out of lurking for this:

    High school schmoopie appeared out of thin air
    And informed him that he has an heir
    After 29 years she decides
    To drop this bombshell and cry
    She thinks my hubby will provide her a good life.

    It seems that knocked up she did get
    From their teenage fuck in a chevette
    But now their love child is grown
    And this woman has not moved on
    She wants her teenage lay back.

    Much plotting and scheming went on
    Until he falls for her and decides to move on
    Now his wife is upset
    His marriage he has wrecked
    And then he finds out the lies have just begun.

    It seems their love child is not really his
    Schmoopie fudged the birthdate, gee whiz
    She also has massive debt
    Her third bankruptcy she will get
    It seems karma is really a bitch.

    Now sad sausage says he wants to come back
    It was a mistake to leave the best thing he had
    Well too bad and so sad
    Because the good life you had
    Now has all your money and the big house!

  • You told me you’d love me forever,
    Then out of the blue it was “Never!”
    You deserve an Oscar for that,
    A twelve year long act!
    No encores! I deserve someone better.

  • Song of the lesser spotted narc tit

    I, I, I, I, I,
    Me, me, me, me, me, me, me,
    My, my, my, my, self.

    Response of the mighty chump nation

    Does anyone hear?
    Is there anyone there? No.
    Land of ‘meh’ is ours

  • Oh man. Get ready Dr. Skankenstein, these “love letters” are for you!

    Dear Ex-Valentine living alone:
    I’ve gone as gray rock as a stone.
    I’ve got all your money
    so kiss my ass, Honey!
    And a toast to your shriveled old bone!

    Happy VD to one of your skanks!
    She wants kids, but we know you shoot blanks.
    Hmm, perhaps I should tell her
    you’re just an old feller
    and that happens when fat guys wear spanks!

    Valentine, we both know you’re a liar.
    who spends cash on loose women for hire.
    Don’t try to gaslight me,
    or charm me, or fight me,
    I’ve got proof. I’m an excellent spyer.

    You begged for a ménage-a-trois
    with two chicks, lacy undies and bra.
    For your clandestine capers
    I’ll serve you with papers
    in a Valentine’s card. Mmmwa ah ah!

    Darling Hubby, you just make me sick…
    Moral compass points straight to your dick.
    Do you think you’ve been clever?
    You’re the lamest ass EVER!
    And the kids and I know you’re a prick.

    If Craigslist could tell all its tales
    of hoes and their sad sausage males,
    then all chumps like me
    would laugh ’til they pee.
    She’s your “Valentine!” (Right. ‘Til he bails.)

    I hear that the love vows are true
    for your fetus-aged shmoopie and you.
    I’m relaxed, sipping tea,
    thanking GOD I’m now free
    and laughing as she says, “I do.”

  • You tell all our friends that we “tried”
    Yet your absences and hers coincide
    On your Facebook I’m invisible
    But the lies are just risable
    Soon all will know whose bride you ride.

    • You left me in abysmal despair
      All due to your fucking affair
      Doesn’t mean I won’t live a better life without you
      As promised I’ve found meh on a Tuesday long overdue
      Riding off towards the sunset on my new mare

  • Conscious Conscience: Logic of the Soul

    People who do not have a conscience, do not feel suffering.

    People who do not feel suffering, do not feel empathy.

    People who do not feel empathy, do not feel love.

    People who do not feel love, do not have a conscience.

    People who have a conscience, feel suffering.

    People who feel suffering, feel empathy.

    People who feel empathy, feel love.

    People who feel love, have a conscience.

  • The thrill of the chase
    Became such a race
    Not one, or two, but four
    Dating to find a willing whore
    Settled with-just put it in my face

  • You said I was too uppity
    So made your dick community property
    Devalued your spouse
    You cold-hearted louse,
    Marriage to you was an atrocity.

  • A cheater, well-educated
    To his wife and children dictated
    “Perfection’s a must!”
    Turned his nose up in disgust,
    Wish I’d had him castrated.

  • He is Rob the Snob
    He worships money and sex
    Himself even more

    They say, “You left me!” with force,
    Or “I never wanted a divorce!”
    They demand we show them grace
    As they continue to play & spit in our face
    Because it’s all our fault, of course

    • I must agree with others, this is incredibly healing!

      He puts on his spandex & thinks he’s speedy
      He thinks about money & gets real greedy
      He looks in a mirror and thinks he’s so sexy
      I thank the good Lord that I’m now his Exy
      His AP can have him, I’m not that needy

      Where were my new jeans?
      I found them in his drawer
      With some lingerie

      I saved some money
      He thinks its got to be his
      Everything is

      We have ten dollars
      The children need food to eat
      He buys body oil

      I am painting house
      Where did he run off to now
      To a prostitute

      Christmas is coming
      His closet is full of gifts
      They are for himself

      He is past fifty
      In his dreams he’s a model
      A female model

      He spoke only lies
      Gave partial information
      And I believed him

      The children are sad
      He’s sorry IT hurt them
      And then deserts them

  • Nanthony began to pitch. The barstool took a slitch.
    She landed on the Limited’s dick
    in the middle of her trick
    Which was not a healthy situation for the Limited’s unpumped prick.

    Oz

    • Ode to the Limited:

      Your erection requires hydraulics
      If Nanthony wants to frolic
      She won’t get a fraction
      of sexual satisfaction
      And screams in frustration, “Oh, bollocks!”

      • Made me laugh Tempest! So fitting!

        Ode to his EGO just for you!

        Poor Hannibal’s balls sagged
        I can afford Botox he bragged
        There was quite an expansion
        As grad whore ran from the mansion
        Frantically texting; GIANTBALLSCRUSHPRIVATEmemberSHIP, hashtag.

  • Who knew your “forever love” was finite?
    I lost twenty-two years to your gaslight.
    I choose me now, not you,
    I know exactly what to do…
    Unchump myself and discover my might!

  • An arrogant man in his ivory tower
    Sought many students to de-flower.
    He granted several his “extension,”
    But did I mention?
    Sexual harassment suit made him cower.

  • Replacement family,
    New mansion with a lake view,
    Roped all of our friends.

    You think you have won,
    But, loss of our daughters’ love
    makes you a poor man.

  • Cheater enjoyed flirtation
    Young ladies his inclination
    Soon a lawyer he’d see
    Wife made HIM pay the fee
    To undergo financial castration

  • The best thing my cheater did FOR me
    Was demean and discard and ignore me.
    I fought back. I got stronger.
    I need him no longer.
    And now I’M the one who adores me!

  • There once was a cheater who sucked
    And didn’t care who he fucked
    At just twenty-eight
    She’d do just great
    His plan is to self-destruct

  • “Take me back! ” he implored. How delicious!
    What a joke, for his sins were pernicious.
    How he wailed, how he pleaded!
    It all went unheeded.
    Karma’s not just a bitch, she is vicious!

  • A cheater who lied was he
    Told all the hoes he was free
    Chose one half his age
    Now he’s stuck in her cage
    At the price of his integrity

  • Nanthony stormed her neighbors door
    Raging, she knocked an elderly man to the floor
    Your dog pooped in my yard, she protested!
    Never thinking she’d be arrested
    Yet had to rage and scream, middle fingers a waving like a whore

    Throwing green dog bags on the table
    He called to police as she was unstable
    The Limited bragged he likeld her fight
    Throat punched her last boyfriend with all her might.
    Add felony drug charges to her label.

  • I’m going to riff on Fiddler on the Roof and Randy Rainbow today. It’s neither a haiku nor a limerick, so I’m submitting it for entertainment value.

    Matchmaker, matchmaker
    You screwed up that match
    You sold me a con
    Now I must detach
    Matchmaker, matchmaker
    How high were you
    When you sent me that pile of trash?

    Oh, matchmaker, matchmaker
    Don’t let him eat cake
    Send him the bill
    For his loathsome “mistake”
    Take back this ring for I’m longing to be
    Finally cheater free.

    For papa,
    Give him malaria,
    For mama,
    Two broken arms.

    For me, no,
    I won’t holler
    That his mistress now suffers his charms.

    Matchmaker, matchmaker
    Let’s try this again
    My boundaries are good
    Though they weren’t back then
    Night after night I’m finally free
    Of that cheater
    Who tortured me.

  • Hid your cell phone in the church
    Wife and kids left in the lurch
    She is so entertaining
    There could be no abstaining
    Reputation is besmirched

  • He thinks he can be my friend
    Chat about old times again
    Moved away from our kids
    I roll my eyelids
    Our new life can begin.

  • There once was a family of four
    Until the daddy met up with a whore
    He fell into love
    Cause she fit like a glove
    So he threw his family away for more

    Well his wife begged and she pleaded
    And she danced and competed
    Trying every which way
    To show him the light of day
    But in the end was sorely defeated

    She suffered like this
    Falling further into the abyss
    Til the day she found a chump site
    Where others showed HER the light
    Now she’s back on the road to bliss

    So if this is also you please don’t despair
    With time and grace you will repair
    That once broken heart
    And make a new start
    With Chump Nation leading you there

    You’ll reach Meh and be happy
    While the ex will still be crappy
    You’ll trust that he sucks
    And you won’t give two fucks
    That the whore ended up with a pappy

  • And this one from the X/STBX/narcissist:

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    I banged your bestie
    She’s better than you.

    Happy VD.

  • I think you are asexual says he
    Gaslighting again, sure, make it me
    Liar, cheater, porn addicted bi guy
    Fucked whomever you found on the sly
    But Chumpy survived and is now free

    • Jumper, please forgive me for this riff on your poem because the traitor pulled something similar…

      I think you are asexual he said,
      Gaslighting again, sure, make it me!
      Liar, cheater, porn addicted traitor
      A pretext, force me to let him fuck the whore.
      No!! This chump survived is now she is free
      Sexual, beautiful and smarter than thee

  • Not that often through all the years he said
    Am I supposed to believe this you shithead
    You fucked strangers and came home to me
    How much more disgusting can you be
    You are so damn lucky you aren’t dead.

  • Ok, I am on a roll…

    Hooking up with strange on craigslist m4m ‘
    Please be clean’ he says
    I think I am going to puke

  • Sad sausage lost all in the end
    It is gone he cannot amend
    The damage is done there is no trust
    It is finished, because it is just
    The consequence of your sin

  • SO many creative chumps on here! Great poems! You are all mighty!
    Here is my story in limerick form…

    You pretended we were a happy husband and wife.
    No words can describe the devastation when I discovered your triple life.
    Our precious family and complete lives were at stake.
    You convinced me to reconcile, while you continued with cake.
    The icing is…I WILL experience Meh and a future without strife.

  • You led us like lambs to the slaughter
    Your wife, your two sons and your daughter.
    You proudly displayed us,
    And then you betrayed us.
    Our life was the dowry you brought her.

  • Your brother’s girl? A family curse!
    And then you banged that lovely nurse!
    The lawyer calls
    I’ve got your balls.
    And I’m keeping them in my purse!

    • Ha Ha, JW! Your own personal stress balls. Take ’em out and give ’em a good hard squeeze when he’s acting up.

  • His dick was in sight of the trap

    Hoe’s vagina then tightly did snap

    To hoe it was sport

    But stupid was caught

    And they’ve both got a case of the clap

  • You called her Little Bird
    She was your True Love you said
    Your sad she Flew Away

    Or the angry last line version

    Dumped you like a Turd

  • You said you could no longer survive
    With a Lamborghini you “Never get to drive”,
    But she was a Benz
    With lots of happy endz,
    What are you, like friggin five??

    After Dday you did tout
    That you could “heal” by MC or some similar route,
    But I said divorce
    So at the final party, of course,
    The cake will read “Lamborghini OUT!!”

  • Ok not within the guidelines so not for the comp.
    I just had to share my I REALLY REALLY REALLY wish poem. Do you think my guardian will answer really soon?
    But today has had me thinking so much (And in bloody rhyme, i feel like a damn Leprechaun!)

    Happy Valentines Dear Husband

    To show you I love you, how special and sweet
    For Valentine Day I wrote you a treat
    To repay your loyalty i’d like to bless
    You with health (Problems), unhappiness, death

    So each body part’s got a wish of it’s own
    From pain my dear husband I hope you will groan
    For your penis I hope (No later then June)
    It’s Shriveled and purple and small as a prune

    Your testes, there’s 2, so I feel that I must
    For them wish for Festy and oozing with pus
    Your arsehole that’s hairy and never quite wiped
    How’s bikers in an alley, have you ever been piped?

    Your tits well their useless but drooping quite far
    Maybe jumper lead cables hooked up to the car
    Your brain? Well it’s useless, marbles make such racket
    How’s a nice padded room and a nice tight white jacket?

    Your tongue well that’s filthy it can’t stay in your head
    My favourite old boots are in need of new tread
    Nothings left thats worth saving, what to do with the rest?
    The dog’s are real hungry….yeah I think that that’s best!

  • These really are addictive once you start…

    I have a great lawyer named Ken
    But his rates should be counted in Yen,
    For each bill that I got
    I cringed on the spot,
    And chanted: It’s For The Good of The Children (TM)

  • The whore she said I was frigid
    Now at Meh I’m no longer triggered
    She said I’d die alone
    She now bows to his throne
    Without Drinking, drugs, porn, and cheating my life is no longer rigid.

  • Now that you are gone I can see we are better off without your abuse;
    You know what? For even a handful of times hitting, there is no excuse.
    Better off without lying, hostility and the big one: cheating;
    So ‘meh’ I care little if your cheating romance is fleeting.
    You deserve this “chef” fake who buys supermarket cake.

  • You left your old wife
    To start your new life
    With a slunt that’s been rode hard and put away wet
    With a side of herpes one should not forget
    Oh what a fantasy come true for you

  • There was once a cheater named Steve
    His life was nothing but sleeze.
    He knocked up a chilla
    Perhaps she’s a killer
    I shouted Meh as I packed up to leave

  • You left me for whore “more exciting”
    You said I was always you slighting
    But lo, whore’s a liar
    Who in secret conspired
    And now a new baby you’ll be sighting

    I wished for the karma bus so badly
    Not knowing its schedule, waited sadly
    But now shmoopie’s preggo
    Tricked you on the down low
    The bus is here, “beep beep” grandpa-daddy!

  • Nothing here means anything to me anymore
    He said as he walked out the door
    He left pictures of his kids behind
    For he had no ties that bind
    Gave it up for a two faced whore

  • No more jumping through hoops, no more crying.
    No more wondering when you’ll start trying.
    There’s no doubt any longer.
    I’m better, and stronger.
    Since I left you my spirit is flying!

  • “He Said, She Said”

    Patiently he explained that his whoring
    was my fault ’cause I’m chubby and boring.
    I should be more exciting,
    alluring, inviting,
    and join him while he goes “sex-ploring.”

    I whispered I see how you feel.
    I should bow down before you, or kneel.
    I should worship the king.
    But hold on, here’s the thing…
    This shit is about to get real.

    You see, I said sweetly, I filed
    for divorce. I know! Isn’t that wild!
    You’re about to be wifeless
    (Too bad it’s not lifeless)!
    Chalk one up for the meek and the mild!

  • Sorry, last one. This is just so dang therapeutic!

    Awwww, the poor ‘ittle baby is sad.
    Doesn’t think what he did was that bad.
    I am such a big meanie.
    That “oopsie” was teeny
    when his penis fell into her vag.

  • There is an Old Narc from Sioux City
    Whose Channels are Charm, Rage, and Pity
    A Serial Cheater
    Known Business Deceiver
    She “Won” his dick
    sooooo itty bitty….

  • I wonder if you have a heart,
    …if you have a soul?
    I wonder if you think about,
    …what you’ve done will hold?
    I wonder if it was worth it,
    as your life unfolds?
    The agony you bestowed on me,
    …did it help you become whole?
    I wonder if,
    …you think you’ve won or lost?
    I wonder if you ever regret,
    …not happy what you chose?
    I wonder if your ‘greener grass’,
    …has given you happiness?
    I wonder if you know or care,
    …the hurt, the pain, the agony?
    I wonder if you think about,
    …how you would survive,
    …if the same were done to you…

      • Jumper 🙂

        We are able to talk about the truth of our situations…they live in the toxic cloud of their lies…I can’t help but wonder what havoc that ‘dis – ease’ will manifest in their physical bodies… I am sorry for our heartbreak…but so grateful to be free of the daily agony, breath-taking anxiety…we will all heal from this.

        …as my sister says, ‘He can never steal your reality ever again. He can never touch you ever again.’ 🙂 She is right. We get to live authentically now, free of their illusions, making life decisions based on truth. …it is mind bending isn’t it…I try not to look into the abyss anymore…just not worth the ensuing vertigo 🙂

        • Indifference is my new best friend
          She came to me as I crossed the final bend
          There were highs and lows along the way.
          Once found, she was here to stay.
          On each other we can depend.

      • I asked X how he would feel if it was the other way around.
        As usual, he didn’t answer my question…but, he said that he wished it had been the other way around!
        Yuk!!

        • Nyra

          The Limited randomly stated, “I can’t imagine what it would feel like if you did this to me.”

          No he couldn’t.

          I can’t imagine what it feels like giving up a wife, three amazing children a beautiful granddaughter, a business, independence, a home, and
          freedom, to live in a shabby, dingy apartment with a classless mentally ill skanky whore with drug addiction and multiple arrests.

          • Doingme,
            I think one of the greatest strengths of CN support is that we realize that we are NOT alone or the crazy one in the relationship.
            You all have helped me see that & heal. I am just sad that their are so many of us ……and them out there!