There was an absolutely stellar column that ran at Scarymommy.com this week, “A Letter to My Best Friend’s Ex-Husband Because Screw You A**Hole.” (You had me at the profanity, Samantha.)
Reading between the lines, Asshole has cheated. The couple is divorcing. They’re trying to do that conscious uncoupling thing for the children, where the chump eats the giant shit sandwich of her rage and humiliation and pushes forward into some sort of dignified shared custody situation. But just because the chump is eating the shit sandwich, doesn’t mean her BFF is.
Samantha comes out swinging:
BUT, just because she’s being a fucking pillar of dignity and strength, doesn’t mean that I’m not pissed. Oh, I’m pissed. I’m pissed, and I’m looking at you, sir. You see, this is happening and it has to happen and it should happen, but you are the reason this is taking place. She is willing to recognize what a good father you are, and acknowledge your redeeming qualities as she works to forgive you for your indiscretions, but I don’t have to do that. I get to pull the Best Friend Card here, and I get to just be pissed the fuck off that you are the catalyst for the heartbreak, pain, anxiety, and overwhelming stress that you are causing my friend. So, FUCK YOU DUDE.
Fuck you for making her sad. Fuck you for making her question her own value and self-worth. Fuck you for making her question your entire relationship. Fuck you for making her feel like she has to figure out what she did wrong. Fuck you for making her feel guilty that she can’t keep up the facade forever and pretend like everything is fine. Fuck you for making her stress out over money. Fuck you for making her stay up all night crying. Fuck you for making her heart break as she attempts to prepare herself for spending 50% of her time away from the children she adores beyond comprehension. Fuck you for making her stay up all night as she worries how this will affect their future.
Every chump should be so lucky to have a Samantha on their side. A friend who validates, who channels the pain and anger of being betrayed and articulates it, when the chump is probably still too shocked to go there. A friend who take SIDES. A friend who recognizes injustice. A friend who does not brook any cheater narrative nonsense about “growing apart” or it all being “for the best.” No — this friend assigns FAULT. YOU did this. YOU broke this. Innocent people who do NOT deserve this are suffering, so FUCK YOU.
A standing ovation for Samantha!
Your Friday assignment is to tell CN about your Samantha. If you have no Samantha, tell us about you being that friend in someone else’s life. What kind of friend would you like to be to future chumps? How are you upping your friend game?
TGIF!
I heard that excerpt in the voice of Kat Dennings. I love it.
I had more than one Samantha, but hats off to the friend who let me stay with her for months after I left him until I could get back to work post cancer. She even rallied and organized her family members and our other friends to help me get my things moved from his house while he was at work, so I never had to go back, beg, or watch Smoochie move in and enjoy. The absolute best part? She pilfered a few bottles of wine from the house, and guess when we’ll be popping those bottles? The day my divorce is final!! I so love my Samantha!!
My Samantha was a common friend I thought I had lost through this whole mess but who ended up reconnecting with me and would end every e-mail with a disparaging comment about the genius. He is a man (who has no love interest towards me), he is older and he is the kindest, smartest and scruffy old man I have ever met. I love him to bits!
And every and anyone who would curse at the genius and call him names was my Samantha of the day. It helped sooooo much!
My Samantha is Debbie, she took me in after D-day #3. Took me out, got me drunk, listened to me cry and let me stay at her house for 2 nights. She called him every name I couldn’t say yet. She grabbed my face looked me in the eye and said, ” you deserve to be adored”.
Unfortunately I went back to the asshole one more time. She stayed my friend even though she thought I was crazy. The last and final D-day #4, she was there to pick me up again. She has been my rock. And I FINALLY get it. I do deserve to be adored, so I left the asshole!!
My sister and niece were my Samantha. On their first visit, they were my backbone and helped me stick-up for myself to my ex. On my sisters second visit out to help me (she lives out of state), she was even angrier than the first visit. She called my ex a snake. She called him out on his charm, by saying, “I’m not falling for your charm.” She was the one that helped me realize he manipulates and controls with his charm and “nice guy” act. She also said, “Martha has been doing 100% of the work around the house your whole marriage. She’s not doing it anymore. It’s now your turn.” She was mighty for me!
I have several Samanthas. Sisters and friends have all worn that hat for me. I cannot imagine where I would be without them. Wait, I can. I would still be with a cheating narcissist.
This beautiful passage that I am including was written by my Samantha on a particularly hard day 2 years ago when STBX was pretending to be remorseful. I was caving. She was not.
“No. The point is that he is a dick all the time. He makes it harder to see that when he is upset- but in neither instance is he EVER considering you. At all. It doesn’t matter what his outward behavior is- his internal behavior is the same. He is using you. In both cases. All the time. Without consideration of you, or even really seeing you as a person. It doesn’t matter if he’s outwardly nice or outwardly a dick. The inside intention is the same- to take care of himself only.”
I ❤ Samanthas. They have mightiness when I am depleted. They have humor when nothing is funny. They have faith in me when I do not.
Awesome advice from your friend!
Years ago my best friend’s first husband accidently fell into the genitals of a 19 year old ( funny how that happens ).
He left to go live in that 19 year old’s parent’s basement ( thank God he left ) and she divorced his cheating ass!
During the time that he was “trying to fix things ” (while living with the 19 year old ?!?! ) he called me AT WORK.
He was concerned about our friendship!
I won’t go into details – but I let him know EXACTLY what I thought of him.
He hung up pretty quickly and has never bothered me again.
Needless to say my friend was also a pillar of strength for me when my marriage crumbled.
The saddest part is that when you voice the truth to these Crap Weasels they don’t really hear you. Might as well scream into the wind.
I had no Samantha. I have no one that I would call a friend. The way I was raised and the marriage I spent nearly twenty years in have led me to conclude that I’m better off on my own completely. I can only count on myself. Logically, I know this can’t be, but emotionally… well… I hope Samantha’s friend, knows how lucky she is to have someone, anyone in her corner.
One more thing. I didn’t write this to get sympathy or anything like that. I’m putting it out there for anyone else like me who didn’t have any support and who will read about all the “Samanthas” out there.
I had just one Samantha, a woman’s my mother’s age. But pretty much everyone else down to a person was not a Samantha. Which is one of the reasons I keep this blog going. I remember exactly how lonely it was to divorce — especially my first divorce as a young mom. I felt like a three-headed calf.
My kids were my Samantha!
They called him out as a cheating, pathetic liar, shouted, screamed, accused, went to see my lawyer and then turned their back on him.
I was my friend’s Samantha. She didn’t have the mental or physical strength (breast cancer, depression and divorce suck the life out of you).
I’m not sure why more people don’t act like Samantha. Hitting him hard was the most satisfying experience for me and my friend.
Should have said hitting him hard VERBALLY only…not that I wouldn’t have enjoyed the other way.
My kids, too. Youngest went NC with the jackass well before I did; oldest said “Just file already, Mom. He’s never going to “get” it.”
True… I was married 36 years.. my exs actions scared my married friends and made them question their relationships! It was if I suddenly had Leprosy and they could catch it! My married friends deserted me or told me to continue being a CHUMP! Some were secretly being chumps without anyone knowing! I formed new friends with single women who supported me until the end! My Samantha was single or divorced! My friendships changed…. another loss!
I think we are ashamed and terrified to ask people to be our Samanthas. As chumps we are so vulnerable – thinking that you deserve support is hard and asking for it is harder. I really see Chump Lady as a grass roots movement to change that.
LouisvilleFlower
This is true. I have three friends here who have been supportive but as we moved around so much I don’t have anyone who knows me that well.
And I do find it hard to ask for help. Usually I get through the bad patch and then tell people I just went through a rough patch. Which is an improvement as before I would just grind through.
I did find it hard to read that letter – the thought of having someone like that in your corner must be fabulous. But in my own life I can see I have survived and thrived without a Samantha, as I have always been lucky enough to fall across the path of someone who has helped me in some way. I just need to keep pushing at my door of resistance to being ‘seen’ in all my ways, good and bad.
My own life shows that you can cobble together your own Samantha from bits of many others using your own resilience and coping skills. Chump nation, friends, kind strangers – it all adds up.
Hugs to all without Samantha’s. It’s just a different path and I am working on getting my own!
Capricorn,
I’ll be your Samantha.
I hate your ex. I’ll pray daily for him to get erectile dysfunction.
Love this, Paintwidow! Now there’s something I can wish on my ex! For my kids’ well-being, I can’t wish him dead or I’ll. But ED would be perfect!!!!
Erectile dysfunction AND a deadly allergy to Viagra. Also sensitivity to EMFs, so cellphones and computer use is impossible.
If I tell a cheater I’m praying for them, this is what I mean;)
Thanks Paintwidow!!!
He already has ‘human dysfunction’. I’ll join you in wishing him every other kind ?
louisvilleflower & Cap – It took me a good six months to let anyone help me. I was too ashamed, not strong enough to let them know the reason behind my decision to divorce my then-husband, trying to be the pillar of dignity I wanted to be for my daughter. Fortunately I found CL and CN as my then-husband chose to have his mistress move continents to move in with him a block away from me.
I learned all I could from CN, and was ready when he started trying to include his mistress in our kiddo’s school and extra-curricular activities. That is when I got strong enough to start singing like a canary. Then Samanthas started to pop up in my life… Whether they lived through this as kids, or had to live through it as the spouse, they reached out and have been there ever since.
I live in an affluent community, highly educated with spouses choosing to stay home or work part time to take care of the kids while their successful spouses work like dogs… That’s the belief until some find themselves faced with unquestionable proof that they have been duped and are married to a cheating lying coward.
Since going through my own divorce, I’ve heard many more stories than I wish the world would have about cheating spouses in my area… Same entitlement, same belief that they were too smart to get caught, that their spouses would not leave, that the kids are resilient… Even though I live in a fault divorce state, I have heard over and over that chumps are actually seen as cruel if they apply for a divorce for adultery if they have school-age kids.
It is great to be surrounded by Samanthas for solace and gallows humor… But I also see that new chump pain and the overwhelming shame way more often than I ever want to. I try and provide some solace by sharing CL’s book and site with new chumps that cross my path.
In my community, I haven’t heard of a betrayed guy. Without the witty CN stories and humor of both male and female chumps, I would have believed that cheating and guys were synonyms. Thank you CL & CN for helping me process the devastating reality that this character flaw is as omnipresent as it is distributed across genders. Through this community, I continue learning and building better and better boundaries at work and in life, thank you CN!
Chumptitude – so glad you found your Samanthas, and that you have become one. ❤
I just sent a copy of CL’s book to a friend. I have decided that will be my first response to anyone I hear about who is going through this. I should probably buy a few copies to have ready.
I was thinking the same thing, too — buy a few copies so I can give them out right away. It’s sad to think that we’ll eventually meet someone who needs a book like this. But sadly it will happen.
I am resistant to asking for help as well. I think we chumps have that self reliance that made us think we could overcome the narcs faults but it’s also how the narcs were able to isolate us from our friends and family. It’s a great quality when used for good but can be used against us. We have to learn to communicate our needs and be prepared to practice advice boundaries.
You’ve got us ddame23????
I wish we could use CN to find sponsors for us Chumps, so we have the strength to stay away from Cheating manipulative soul-sucking douchebags, a person to reach out to when we think we have ‘hope’ the abusive Cheater might change or have just lost all hope in the world.
I’ve been blessed with many Samanthas but recently a Samantha told me I’m not sinking into the abyss of depression instead I’ve almost climbed the huge mountain of shit my STBX created, and when I get to the top of the mountain the rest of my life (and my children’s) will be easy, unimaginably amazing and all downhill. I hope that image helps!! Keep posting, we’ve all got your back here!!!
The only Samanthas/Samuels me were here at CL, and bless them all.
When I shared the anger and outrage that the man I had been dating for nearly a year turned out to have lied to me, frequently and consistently, about his marital status, people were like, “but they don’t live together” and “but they’re separated” and “sometimes people don’t get divorced for religious reasons.” No, they were not LEGALLY separated, they were not religious (just lazy and cheap) and the point is he LIED to me, making me an unwitting adulteress. Somehow this was okay with people!
Even my own Mom said, “you must have really hated yourself to go out with him.” WTF? No, he seemed super nice and attentive and I hoped I had a happy-ever-after future with him, meanwhile the whole time he knew it was just a scam so he could get laid.
If it wasn’t for the support of CL and CN, I might have normalized this gaslighting horseshit. So thank you, mighty Chumps!
DDame,
It might be all right to go it alone. Harder. Not pleasant, but better than enduring the eye rolls, the get over it stares and the sanctimonious speeches I receive about living in the past.
As we get older, it is so hard to make friends. Add in explaining the horror show of being soul raped by a disordered freak, and you get some averted eye contact and curt goodbyes.
All I know is this: don’t you fucking dare judge me, or us, until you have lived it. I will watch Law & Order SUV alone and drool over Elliott before I lef someone say to me again, What part did you play in the relationship not working?
Woman, the only part I am playing is where I backhand you when you blame me again for my XH dating in our marriage.
Oh my god, Clara, that was the most fantastic post I think I’ve read on this site. And that’s sure some high praise, because my life has been fundamentally altered forever by some of the out-effing-standing conversations that have taken place here.
‘Woman, the only part I am playing is where I backhand you when you blame me again for my XH dating in our marriage.’ This!!
And I hear you about making friends. This is why I go to group therapy for abandonment and divorce. I make friends and they never tire of the subject matter. And now that I’m able to function again since the debilitating agony has subsided, I can get to those newbies like I once was and tell them ‘Hey, I was you. And you know what I needed to hear that no one ever told me? You’re going to live. I know this is ripping your soul apart and feels like the pain may kill you, but it won’t. Take the pain, turn it into rage fuel, and use that to propel you into the life you deserve. Make the pain have a purpose. Oh, and read Chump Lady. Like, IMMEDIATELY.’
I am another one who had no Samantha. I had Switzerland friends who said things like, “Marriage is hard, and we never really know what goes on inside someone else’s relationship.” Or who kept their distance because they were afraid that divorce was catching. Or who flatly refused to believe that one of our group had walked right up to the edge of an affair with my ex, and never told me. So now I have many fewer friends.
Yes, they are jerks. I hate that one, Kristen. We never really know…
Actually, I do know. I know down the texts. It is a coward’s way to not have to take a stand.To a be spineless worm.
The older I get, I do not have time for people who are not on my side. If someone beat and robbed me, would they say, Well, we don’t know what went on with you two.
This was a clear case of right and wrong. Take a side. Or you do not have the pleasure of my company.
I didn’t have a Samantha either. My cheater had been my best and closest friend for twenty years. When I tried to confide in my next best friend, I got a story about how some things work out for the best, for example how she herself had been an affair partner and broke up a marriage. I hadn’t had a clue that was the origin of her relationship and been busy being happy she was happy and including her new partner at all social events. When she next told me she would continue being friends with both of us, and that my cheater could still be a good father for our kids, I decided I was better off going through everything alone.
But I’m pretty sure now I’d be a hell-of-a-good-Samantha for any of my current friends.
Yes, I’m pretty sure you would be a fabulous Samantha!
I’m usually the caretaker or advisor in my work and personal circles. I need to do something different to find people who are able (and wanting) to reciprocate.
I also came from a very dysfunctional family so I had to go it alone. After my divorce, and later in my life, I became close to an older woman friend. She really saw people, the good and bad of them. I learned so much from her insights. She was like the mother I never had. I’m so grateful we had each other for a while.
No Samantha for me either. My BFF’s turned out to BE cheaters. A very lonely quiet ride.
Same here. They all believed the narrative and I was trying to avoid being “the bad guy” so I wasn’t telling the story. He got the friends and I got the total shit sandwich.
The one person I thought would be there to support me turned out to be pretty lacking in her willingness to give support.
In therapy, I learned, and continue to learn, how to go slow building trust and forming solid relationships. It is changing everything.
Same, same! I told the truth….except I got a CEASE & DESIST letter. Ha! Talk about being the “bad guy”. I guess that’s what happens when your spouse is screwing a coworker in a building full of your mutual friends…aka shitting where you eat….yeah, you kinda end up talking to people in the same circle. Those letters are a joke. Anyway….<>>….I wish I had a Samantha. Unfortunately, this experience has opened my eyes to the undercover dysfunction in *other* people as well. The mindfuckers, the “I fail to understand you hostility” fuckers, the Switzerland friends and family…..nope, no Samanthas for this chump.
Oh, I got a cease and desist letter too.
Apparently he didn’t like me telling all his co-workers and friends and family members about his shenanigans.
But it wasn’t enforcible. One thing you have to remember is that they can only get you with something like this if you continue to tell your story and they sue you for defamation in court.
My ex’s problem was that I was telling the truth and had proof to back it, so it would have been huge expense for him and quite a lot of embarrassment when all his shenanigans became a matter of legal public record!
LOL, me too. If it comes to a point where we would meet in court, I have all the evidence to back up and support my claims.
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/8c/84/6d/8c846d8eb2e5c6ae623d11ffca4c3c2e.jpg
I took the “high road,” kept my mouth shut, I thought it would be more dignified to keep things private.
Mean while X was out bad mouthing me to everyone and anyone he’d run into. Making up stories being the sad sausage and playing the victim.
I was naive enough to assume people knew me better than to believe X’s outrageous lies, I was wrong.
And no, you can’t be friends with both of us.
I am somewhat of a solitary person myself, so I completely understand the need to protect your privacy and sense of self. I found that so many people who claimed to be friends really just wanted me to confide in them so that they could broadcast my private life to other busy bodies. Mine was a very public betrayal and that made it so much worse, because I really didn’t know who to trust. Even some of my own family members “leaked” crap to the press-true or not, it didn’t matter. It completely sucked and, in many ways, was as disheartening as the betrayal.
Still, I had my dad, who was absolutely amazing and always kept me on track. When I wavered, he told me my X was always the (dad’s words) “big swinging dick” in the room, who was never going to change. He urged me to protect myself. Dad died almost two years ago and I miss him every single day. He was my rock. I also had a friend who became a widow a couple of years after my experience and she discovered what I call extreme financial infidelity after her husband’s death. After a life of luxury, she was left basically penniless. She and I reconnected and we muddled along together for a time. She is now in a significant relationship, though, and is pressuring me to start dating. Ugh, thanks, but no thanks. I enjoy my alone time too much to forfeit it just so I can be part of a couple. It puzzles me why people assume I am not happy or “healed’ merely because I enjoy my own company. I am at peace and that is all that matters to me.
Lovely post. ❤
My dad was also my rock and he died 3 years ago. He would have been the first person who would have come straight round after DDay and he would be constantly ringing and dropping round to cheer me up, and wrap me up in a bear hug. Miss him now more than ever.
My dad was also my rock and he died 3 years ago. He would have been the first person who would have come straight round after DDay and he would be constantly ringing and dropping round to cheer me up, and wrap me up in a bear hug. Miss him now more than ever.
I have lots of lovely Samantha’s but I also have an amazing older sister actually called Samantha! And she is my dad incarnated- love her to bits.
ddame23, I think there are many like us out there. I have posted below before I read your post. It can be very lonely fighting the battle on one’s own but I am very proud that I was able to do so. We need to start a Samantha/Samuel movement and with the help of CL and CN the word is getting out there. When I listen to some poor woman’s plight I then direct her here to CL. I never see these women again but I hope they took my advice.
Get it, same boat. Therapy helps.
Another loner here. Chump Lady has been my only true outlet after the couples therapist shut me down so we could work on what I did to contribute to the mis-communications and issues with my marriage. My cheater-wife then gets away with telling me I’m not “getting over it” and only want to wallow in my own pity-party. I started to confide in a friend but it scared the shit out of him to hear just how evil the betrayal went. He wanted no part of that and also started asking about what I did to contribute to her cheating.
SIGH If you want something done right, do it yourself.
Betrayed
Thank goodness we have chump nation. I think that without this place I would not have done well at all. May even be with him still, chewing on that leather strap.
FOO issues meant that to me the appearance of being strong was vital to survival – didn’t want mommy dearest to spot any weakness. Carried that habit into marriage where I did pretty much everything in return for very little. Cut to being a chump where keeping up that show of strength becomes dangerously self sabotaging. Plus the stronger you appear, the less likely that others will ask how you are. They just assume you are fine and often whole friendships are predicated on you being the strong one and not at all needy. Suddenly the relationship can’t survive the role reversal. It never was equal in giving and taking.
But being a loner by necessity in early life then mostly by choice later on I have to admit that this strength is real. I am strong. And rather than bemoan it being the thing that keeps me isolated – I bloody well use it now and try to reach out more when I need to. A different kind of strength.
Sorry. I may have wandered off the point!
Just wanted to say we are all here for you !
As usual, Capricorn, we are in sync. Same here with being strong. But I do have a couple of great friends and we are Samanthas for each other. We don’t talk every day because we all have busy lives but we totally get each other. There are some other friends who were there for me when I needed them, and then faded away. You know that old…….. friends are in our lives for a reason, a season or forever line. It’s true.
Chump nation is the best. Even though cheater ex has long been in the rearview mirror, I did not understand exactly what he was, and why he behaved the way he did. Consequently I had a lot of guilt yet. You all helped me see that I did the best I could under difficult circumstances. You have all been my Samantha. Thank you everyone!
I also can say that I do my best to be a Samantha to friends in my life too. Sometimes they have been personality disordered which was a definite learning experience. As my picker improved though, I figured out the difference and they are now gone, but it took a while, and cost a few tears. Let’s hear it for growth!
Ditto. My siblings are narcissists who were turned against me by my narcissistic mother as toddlers so I couldn’t go to them. I ended all friendships with other women decades ago because I always felt uncomfortable when XH was in the presense of other females. I did not seek out any couples who had been mutual friends because of the embarrassment and humiliation of being cheated on. One of these friends called and offered to fix me up with a widower but I declined.
ale
I remember a therapist asking me about my support system, my friends. I told her I didn’t have many friends, because it was just too much work. People take, take, take, and it was hard enough to keep myself going, my job going, and my relationship going. She explained that if you pick good people, those that give as well as take, friendship isn’t exhausting, relationships aren’t exhausting. It was a revelation. Get help fixing the picker and the rest falls into place.
My Samantha told me that “I deserve to be adored”. So I am telling you this ddame23 “You deserve to be adored!” Once you finally believe this, you will find it possible. Good luck.
I have three Samanthas–a roommate from summer camp, sorority sister, and my local BFF–plus my sweet Southern mom. The Rev. Cheaterpants better hope none of them find him in a dark alley. Just saying. They helped me keep my self together, drove 8 hours to celebrate my birthday 2 weeks after D-day, and read (& replied to) all my snarky texts. They live across the eastern US & none of them knew each other before. But they all knew The Rev. C from the 20+ years we’d been together. Three months after d-day, we all met at my parents for a weekend–worlds colliding! They’ve also celebrated with me all of the little milestones as I’ve made my way through to the other side (court date next week!). I’m so lucky to have them & owe them so much for their support & fighting spirit.
I had my whole close circle of Samantha’s (still do) who have been bloody amazing throughout- they were there day and night for me when I wanted to do stupid things, was sobbing etc, chatted to me every single day in the first few months..my BFF sent ex a similar text message like Samantha’s letter (ending it with the words “you are dead to me ” – he was best man at their wedding too) on the 1 year anniversary of D day all my “Samantha’s” took Me out for a (very) Boozey lunch and celebrated with me how far the kids and I had come in that year. LOVE them to bits, they’ve Been my rock ❤️
Thanks ‘A’ for being my Samantha. I’ll never forget what she said when I was obsessing over the affair partner:
“she’s easy,
she was there,
she said yes.”
That’s it. Thanks ‘A’ for the badass side of ya! You know what you did!
I had several Samantha’s that kept me sane and let me vent. When I just couldn’t must up anger I would tell Samantha #1. She would get so angry, calling him names, stomping around. I so enjoyed watching her anger! In the beginning I really thought she was capable of getting a gun and shooting me, in fact she said that’s exactly what she wanted to do. There were times I had to calm her down and remind her orange wasn’t her color. Thank you my dear friend!
Oddly, the closest I had to a Samantha was deadhusbands sister who loved her brother dearly but knows that men can be decent to everyone and assbastard awful to their partners…she listened while I snivled in my car and told me that “no man was worth this”. I will never forget her kindness.
I decided to be Samantha when I saw a friend whose husband was nowhere on her FB with a mention he “worked in asia” (we all know what that means) so I private messaged her. Of course I was right and she is in the middle of a shitstorm. I should write her today come to think of it.
I know for a fact that had any of my friends sent such a message to Shitbox, he would have complained about it. He would have played the victim and probably gone as far as including it in a letter from his lawyer.
In the early days after DDay, my mother said to him “make sure you do the right thing by my daughter!” And he complained about that – he said it was threatening behaviour. Bear in mind my mother is 70 and he was in his 20s.
She sent his text messages saying more or less the same, and criticising him for what he’d done. He complained about ‘abusive text messages’.
I had to hold back my Samantha from contacting him (now she really would have laid into him), because I’d get an onslaught of complaints and victim hood and it would become my fault…
Your ex and my STBX are kindred spirits–assailant claims he’s victim.
^^^^ Same, X is claims to be the victim, crocodile tears and all.
This one is making me cry before I even started writing. The kindness of people often was the only thing that kept me going. My friends listened patiently to the toxic vomit for a year. They validated me,supported me,took me out for fun when I thought I would never have any fun ever again. I was offered rooms, dinners ,just a cup of tea and spiritual guidance.
I lost friends that were important to me but in the end they really weren’t a loss. I made new friends,met with some wonderful chumps from here and still see them for dinner and a bitching session but now we also talk about how we are becoming mighty, just as important as validation. I met a nice man and we are taking that friendship slowly. He understands I am wounded and need time and gentleness.
I am more grateful than I could ever properly express, it will make me a better friend than I have ever been.. I love my friends..??
I am surrounded by Samantha’s. I am very, very lucky. I have been a Samantha myself to one of mine many years ago. Hers went with the best friend, who was one of my friends as well – note the was. We circle wagons in my group, we shoot , we roar, we laugh, and we carry on as normal. We also ostracise, excise, remove and discard the trash.
And I don’t know how I could write that without mentioning my sister who told me about CL and has had my back my whole life. She truly is my best friend.
I had a few Samathas but two lovely ladies from my Book Club volunteered to “push him off a cliff”! During my weekly updates, they’d break in with their latest thoughts of how they’d get him out of my life faster. Their genius for comedy and their love for me, had me laughing and feeling the warmth of good friends. Of course, there were other friends and my ever-loving sisters, but they were my shoulders to cry on and my fonts of wisdom. The ladies who wanted to “shiv” him made me belly laugh and appreciate all the wonderful clever people in my life!
While I didn’t have a Samantha, I will gladly be the messenger when someone has fallen into the guilt trap of ‘conscience uncoupling ‘ and they’re being bludgeoned by it.
Every time someone says to me ‘but he’s such a good dad, I need to …….’ my response is ‘really? How can someone be a good dad while they are lying, cheating, squeezing you for your last dime, wrangling to get out of financial obligations, taking advantage of you inmediation, etc. ‘.
Does a good dad really to that to the mother of his kids?
YES! Thank you for saying that, Vickie. My thoughts exactly. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills when people excuse blisteringly cruel behavior because someone’s “a good dad.” I’m sorry, no. Life is not in separate compartments like that. That’s like saying “Yeah, but [insert torturous historical dictator here] was a good dad though.” Eye roll.
“Does a good dad really to that to the mother of his kids?”
YES!!!! This has to be addressed! Thank you for saying that.
Hi CA-Vickie–good to see you back!
Hi Tempest. Good to see you. I was moving but I’m kinda settled now. Shouldn’t we be having a ‘chumpalooza ‘ soon?
OMG what a big button for me. When the child assessor and othershave said “…but he’s such a good dad” I pointed out that good dads are at the school coaching baseball in late afternoon, not lying on their backs in a hotel room having a teenager “do” them for cash. Good dads do everything possible to protect and keep the family together. Good dads to not starve their post D-Day family for cash. Good dads do not try to force their families out of their homes just for sport. Good dads do not have unprotected sex with prostitutes and risk the health and lives of the good moms. Good dads show up for piano recitals instead of whacking off to porn. These folks and their “he’s such a good dad” shit usually shut up by that point and launch into their “why are you so angry” narrative.
Good dads show up in their kids’ lives, not just when people are looking. X never misses a Curriculum Night, but hasn’t seen his kids regularly for years.
Good dads don’t trash their kids’ mother.
Good dads don’t lie, steal, cheat, and then blame it all on their kids mother when they get caught.
Good dads don’t choose their bimbo/meal ticket over their own kids.
Blah, blah, blah.
Clearly, I also have a BIG problem with the whole, “…but he’s a good dad” excuse, too.
Yes! And good dads don’t hire hookers instead of saving for their kids’ college. They don’t go days without seeing them before bedtime because they are “working late” under a ho-worker. They don’t volunteer for every single business trip, deployment, out of state or out of country assignment because it gives them more time to screw randoms in hotel bars and off Craig’s list instead of helping with homework and attending school functions. HOW FUCKING LOW IS THE B AR SET IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO CLAIM GOOD DAD? Just because you saw him tossing the ball one Saturday out of 52 last year does not make him a “good dad.”
Amen
You nailed it!!! Love this.
^^^ Exactly, good dads don’t bad mouth and alienate their children from their children…,
Good Dad’s don’t leave their families for their own selfishness.
**
***Oops, I meant alienate their children from their mothers.
Here, here. Tired of my STBX telling everyone, including me every day, what a terrible parent and person I am even though he spent much of our kids’ college fund on prostitutes and took me to court falsely claiming that I committed disgusting, violent crimes and thus should be banned from seeing our kids. Over $100k in legal fees later, kids and I are in much worse condition. And HE still wants more money and adoration from ME. Ridiculous.
Same here RockStarWife, I spent over $100k in legal fees over X’s false accusations against me.
In addition to his false claims of disability. He did his research, all his “disabilities” are difficult to prove, for example seeing spots floating across his eyes.
A good Dad doesn’t teach his son to lie about his Mother or tell his son he doesn’t need to show his mother respect because she doesn’t deserve to be respected.
Not does he teach his son that it’s okay to be dishonest in any circumstances.
A good Dad doesn’t underhandedly have their Mother evicted from her home and leave her homeless.
They’re delusional
I spoke at my stepfather’s funeral. My dad was also there (gay, cheated – because, d’uh, he’s gay!) I signed off with ‘the best thing a father can do for his children is love their mother, and that is every bit as true for a stepfather, maybe more so.’ It was a bit squirmy saying that in front of my dad. But hey. They both loved her – she pre-deceased both by about a decade. Only one was able to love her in the ‘socially appropriate’ and intimate way from middle age. I did not grow up with my stepfather on the scene. I was Maid of Honour at their wedding, in my 20s. But he loved my Mum so much. I loved him for that. Real men/dads love properly. Fully. Honestly. Openly. With their whole hearts. Not just when someone’s watching (my distrust of those who are super into PDAs, a testimony to this!)
YES! Thank you! I could not agree more, and you just spelled out my life right now. I can. It believe I picked this person to be a life partner, and father to my child. Complete disgust!
It seems pretty simple to me. Being a good Dad involves doing your best to protect your family. Abusing members of your family by cheating, lying and gaslighting, is the antithesis of doing your best to protect your family. Thus, cheating a**holes are not good Dad’s!
If my Dad was super loving to me, but I knew that he mentally abused my Mom by cheating on her, there is no way I would think “Oh, but he is a good Dad, b/c he treats me well. It’s just my Mom that he shits on. Understandable” SMH.
The only parts of the otherwise excellent referenced article from ScaryMommy that rang as *untrue* the first time I read it, and this time again are those saying the cheater is still a “good Dad”.
I agree with CA-Vickie, Chup-tastic, BetterAlone, Blerg, Mamachump16, Chutes& Ladders, & Indomitable that a “good Dad” does not deliberately chose to lie & lie & live a double life for years & saddle his own children with a lifelong tawdry divorce legacy based on his shitty entitlement & his lack of character & his zero integrity.
Bingo.
Yes! OMG. I finally screamed these things at mine as he was bullying me about being a poor coparent, saying I was causing damage to my children because I didn’t want to have a deeply nuanced discussion with him about chore implementation in my household. Yes, that’s equivalent to fucking prostitutes for 8 years, stealing my money, heart, energy, self, goodwill and 40% of my children’s lives–all things that btw you stole FROM YOUR CHILDREN TOO. He said with a sob “don’t tell me I don’t love my kids” and hung up on me. I went as NC as possible after that. Email only, only about kids, finances. No nuance.
I went out on a little coffee date with a guy who it came out was a chump. His wife had screwed a few guys in her office. She had also just gotten a big payout because her company was bought. He said something about wanting to get back some amount of money that he put toward her student loans, but it was no where near to half of what she got paid in the buy out. He was such a sweet little chump… so blind sided by this cheater and trying not be the bad guy.
I just looked at him said “But why… why would you take a penny less than what the law says is yours after what she did. This is not a punishment. This is not you trying to even the score or something. This is just a consequence… you fuck a few guys around the office, your husband divorces you and takes half your money. That’s pretty much a reasonable consequence by any measure.”
I don’t think he had ever had someone make that point before. We never went out again, but I hope he’s doing well… and got half.
My sister told me there was no need to demonize ex as he hadn’t murdered anyone. She also lobbies for the “you could still be good friends post-divorce” idea. She was a cheater herself and is NOT a Samantha.
Wow, murder is the only thing that makes someone a truly bad person? Sorry that your sister is a jerk, Dixie.
My Samantha was my brother in the early days – they went from really good inlaws to my brother voicing his disgust and ‘man up’ advice. The amazing thing about it was my ex fucktard was fully expecting they ‘could remain friends’ despite his appalling actions. It was then I thought i was dealing with someone truly delusional since he believed he could comparmentalise that part of his life from the horrendous things he did to me and still carry on the football banter he had with my brother…. It is only recently – 15 months out from D day that I find out for YEARS he was systematically bad mouthing me to friends and work colleagues…..passive aggressively suggesting that he was ‘under the thumb’ – that I was a spender and he was the long suffering husband who towed the line…. so my now friend told me ‘ after what he said I was surprised when I met you – you seemed nice’ WTF. So not enough to be outright defamatory – but just enough to paint a picture of him being the sad sausage and me being the tyranical spouse who deserved it when he finally ‘could take no more’ – and that is how these people maintain their ‘good guy image’ to sustain their pathetic egos.
My friend Kay and her fiance (who’ve had their own struggles) were Samantha and Samuel for me, along with my dear friend Zane, who was Samuel Pt. 2. Kay and her guy made the point to me that one day, Rhys would have to make a choice, and whatever he decided, they’d be here for me. Zane gave me the impetus to write the final email telling Rhys to fuck off for good.
I have 3 Samantha’s and am so blessed. I’m not a native to the place I live and where DDay went down, so having their support was essential.
If they every see the asshole ever again, they are “going Jackie Chan on his ass”.
*ever*
Applaud…Cheer…Scream Hallelujah…Rejoice! Samantha you are one hell of a best friend!!!! I wish had you on my side when my “friends” played the nice card to both of our faces, while the wives shunned me (because, you know, I must be sex craved since I was the new divorcée’ and I must be eyeballing their husbands and all…..if I could insert the middle finger emoji right here, I would). It wasn’t until about 6 months after our divorce when my ex. douchebag started trying to screw over his business partner (who were also our “best friends” when we were married) that are “friends” started realizing what a douche he really was and what he really did to me. I have remained friends with them, but distant. Sadly, to this day, I know my “friends” would have never done or will ever do what Samantha did. They were and still are too worried about their superficial reputations.
So, here’s to better fucking friends like Samantha! And, you bet your sweet ass that I have gone out and found some fellow chumps that would have my back in a heart beat. When the time comes and shit starts hitting the fan with some of my (now distant) “friends” and they get their heads out of their superficial ass and realize that they are chump, I’m going to have to reference this post and tell them to load up on friends like Samantha because they are going to need it.
I’ll admit, I probably creep in a bold “I wish I had friends like this when I was going through my hell” reference with a sweet “that’s nice” smile, just so they feel the burn of what had to endure.
Great post! Thanks for sharing.
I am thankful to say my church family are all being Samanthas…not quite with language we have all used directed at our cheaters, but standing firm nonetheless.
My cheater may be excommunicated in the near future. He loves his sin more than anything.
My Samantha was my older sister. She was and is my rock and piler in moving through the massive fog that I endured for several months while getting my ducks in a row. Once I was able to move she and CN have helped guide me. Went No Contact and that really helped. I’d still be eating shit cake if it weren’t for her that’s for sure. I’m 2 yrs out from leaving and hoping a divorce by mid year. Definitely living a better life without that asslard.
My Samantha was a friend from 30 years ago who suddenly reappeared in my life at the exact moment I needed her (and her husband). They took care of me and my wounded ego after he locked me out of the house and kept all of my things. They helped me form some sort of life again and made sure I didn’t send that letter I wrote ‘anonymously’ to the OW. I am almost in the state of MEH due mostly to their help and unconditional love and I will never forget how good they were for me.
My whole family were always there for me, including my now deceased mom who, at 94, was still compus mentus enough to say he was a twat wasn’t he”. I am close to all my family and would expect my sisters to go up to bat for me, but I didn’t really expect my oldest brother to pitch in. He is 17 years older than me and lives in Wales (I’m in France) and he and his wife would regularly call and offer support. My sister in England – well twat better look out if she ever runs in to him! But oddly enough it was my sister in Denmark who I have the fondest memories of being a Samantha. She was going through the same crap over there with her narc but was a couple of years ahead of me. One summer’s evening we were on skype with the windows open because it was so hot. So she asked me to list all the things I would be so glad to never have to deal with – starting with the “gobbing snot” sound in the shower and having to listen to how “the steam always brings my sinuses down”! After about 30 minutes we were laughing so hard (and so loud) my neighbours came round to check everything was ok because they thought I was either crying or having an argument! It doesn’t get better than that does it!
That’s the BEST, Addie! Laugh so hard at fucktard stories that the neighbors freak out!
A close friend called out some of his behavior as abusive, waking me up. She always took my calls, always listened and helped me sort out my anxieties to settle to the next right thing to do. She welcomed my visits with my dog for a few weekends and holidays as I prepared to leave.
Another close friend helped me fix up my house to prepare to sell it, because xh found it too upsetting and it was all my fault. She came to help witness a household division session when I was most afraid, and witnessed the raging, and became even more validating of my choice to divorce in a way that felt safe to me. She also allowed my weekend respite visits.
Another good friend with a wonderful wit came to help sort the hoarder stash as part of preparing the house to sell, and had me laughing through all of it. She was definitely more a Samantha style with her deep righteous anger towards xh. This friend welcomed my weekend respite visits as long as I brought my dog.
And there was the young man from our church community who asked if he could please help me move, showing up with a bunch of our friends and several trucks, while xh glowered and tried to play the victim. Incredible support.
Thank you CL and CN for modeling righteous anger and humor, tools to turn around the fear and confusion.
My best friend would just as soon throat punch my ex as to look at him. She’s mad as hell at him and I’ve schooled her about narcissism and she totally “gets it.” And what I love about her, too, is that she’s not the coddling type. I remember being on the phone with her shortly after I filed and she was like “You’re going to be fine! You’re already fine!” She, herself, left a cheating boyfriend many years ago and has being living very happily as a single person ever since.
In addition to my best friend, I have many other friends who’ve been very supportive. I am particularly grateful for the several older women I have in my life who have life experience with divorce and who have supported me fully through this process (they are like 2nd moms or great aunts). And, each and every one of them can’t stand my ex and what he’s done.
And, I plan on staying in touch with my attorney. She was so supportive and did a fantastic job — I think it motivates a good attorney to work their ass off when someone’s behavior is so egregious.
My “Samantha” was a fellow kindy class mom. I was living overseas with cheater and our kids when D-day came. Like me, she was an expat living far from home. We were from different countries, and had vastly different upbringings. You never would’ve thought we could find each other and be friends, in a foreign country. After dropping our kids to kindy, she would invite me to her apartment, make me chicory-root “coffee” (I was having stomach problems from all the stress) which she said was good for my digestion, and she’d let me cry, scream, get mad while she prepared lunch. She is an amazing cook, and would feed me up on homecooked coriander roasted chicken, potato pies and soups. When I had no appetite, she made me eat. Like a pushy italian Aunty haha! EAT!!! Then we’d sit on her balcony and she’d smoke while we cussed cheater out. She was on my side and was mortified by all I was going through, as if she was experiencing it firsthand herself. I never would’ve gotten through it without her. Sad thing is, when I left him at the airport, I also left the country we were living in, and my dear badass friend. I love you Mariana!!! I miss you and your hugs! I hope we get to meet again someday. You’ll never know what you did for me, or how much you mean to me. People come into our lives for a reason. You were my hardass angel, you came to me at just the right time. Bless you always xxx
My sister and my sister from another mother were my saviors. Love these girls.
They spent the first post d day Valentine’s Day with me, made me a beautiful dinner and a banner that said ” Team Mary”,which to this day proudly still hangs on my bathroom mirror.
These ” solid as a rock” friends are great for everything but the post d day talk you off the ledge texts are the best.
You get those texts from your girls that just make it all okay.
Right after d day he openly took the AP on a trip over what would of been our wedding anniversary and when I told my sister, this was the text exchange.
Me: can you believe he’s taking her away for my anniversary????
Sister: I hope they die in a plane crash.
Me: They’re driving.
Sister: I hope they die in a car crash.
Me: They are in the brand new truck WE bought together 2 months ago!!!
Sister: I hope they die in a truck crash.
Me: We have to stop wishing them dead…..bad juju.
Sister: I hope she gives him herpes……and they get badly injured in a truck crash.
?? nothing like a sister when you get fucked over. I think if she saw him she would just thank him for removing himself from my life.
PaintWidow – your sister rocks. I had similar text exchanges with friends… I have one Samantha who is quite adept with memes… she started a special collection just for me… the best one was a picture of Mr. Rogers giving the middle finger and the words above his head “Fuck You Mr. Sparkles”… still cracks me up.
CN – never lose your ability to laugh… don’t let these fuckwits ever take that.
I have so many Samanthas, and I could never truly thank them all enough. My sisters and mom, and about four best friends who rallied around me and are still doing so. My survival and eventual healing depended so much on their kindness and their courage for me, when I didn’t have it for myself. They’ve cheered me on, too, as I’ve built a life I love more than I did before. All but two of our mutual friends (who grew up with him, and live in his home country of Israel anyhow) have now de-friended the cheater and OW on all social media, and will not talk to him on the phone or in person. In fact, literally the only person he has in his new country is the OW, and the OW’s friends have abandoned her too due to one of my Samantha’s (formerly OW and my mutual friend) letting everyone know what she had done. Poor lonely sausages. My world keeps expanding and getting more joyous. Their shrinks by the day. I certainly hope they like each other VERY much.
::marches up and down the street banging a drum:: THIS POST! THIS POOOOOST!
I have had more than one Samantha too, and I will never get over how validating it was to, after years of covering over all his faults, hear them immediately say “Yes, it does not surprise me that he has done this because of xyz historical actions, yes, you have carried him on your back for a long time and been so valiant, and no, you’re not taking crazy pills. We see this too.” Just the knowledge that my friends were quietly watching and noticing all the ways I took care of my family, while cheater ex sat on the couch, unemployed, with a beer. And that they supported me as best they could, but when it came time to finally shake those shackles off, they were ready. Heaven help people who don’t have friends like those.
Also, I heartily appreciate the fact that my closest Samanthas shun not only the cheater ex, but any switzerland friends. There is power in truth.
Yep. Sometimes the only thing required to keep me from sliding back into the abyss was “No, you’re not crazy.”
My Samantha is me sadly. I fought the battle alone because I was the only one in my corner. People put their collective heads down and push you away. That is my experience except here at CN which saved my life. Even the other day my own sister told me she will not discuss my ex because she wasn’t in our marriage and she does not know what went on even though she has known him for 47 years like I have. The story is long and messy but that is her way of saying keep me out of it. That attitude some years back would have destroyed me but not today. My ex is a very well liked person even though he is 64 years old and living with (married to) a 24 year old SE Asian prostitute. I was his cover of respectability for 40 years and now the mask has slipped he does not care who knows what a predator he is but there isn’t anyone to call him out because he is ‘nice’. Even our 2 adult children love him and cannot see what he is doing is morally wrong. I don’t accept that ‘nice’ old men have sex with illiterate young women from 3rd world countries who are 13 years younger than their own daughter. I am very lucky I am free of that now and my life is lovely.
Maree, may I ask – were you an expat living in the SE Asian country with your husband?
No I wasn’t lfata. The ex started to travel on his own to these places and he fell in love with the country he now lives in and he also fell in love with the people, the lifestyle etc etc. He paints the dump he lives in as paradise. Seriously, he brags up a storm and he will not be returning to Australia. He has found his true love and he will not be coming back. Good riddance I say.
Sorry, damn auto correct. lhata !!
Arghhhh, I saw a lot of this where I was living. Deranged&deluded old men with young women. And I know firsthand – the father of my children turned into one. I’m also in Australia, I came home to live the good life with my kids after I left him at the airport. I actually loved the country we were living in, as I’d been there a long time. It was like home to me. Was hard to leave. I will tell you this – these old guys that end up living in SE Asia with girls young enough to be their daughters, from MANY cases I’ve known, they end up coming back to their home country in their old age for the healthcare, and come back to NOTHING! Their finances sucked dry, no house (if they were stupid enough to sell up everything to go live in “paradise”) and no family (that wants to talk to them, anyway). If you had to do this alone and nobody was on your side, then I would seriously question what type of friends and family you have that think it was OK for him to have a sugar baby 13 years younger than his own daughter. Ah, pedofile much? You don’t need those people in your life. I’m in Perth, are you nearby for a coffee?
I am in Melbourne. Who knows, I might come over to Perth as I have never visited there yet and I have heard wonderful things about it. I truly hope that you and your children are settled back home and happy. You are lucky to be free of your ex. I know I am very lucky. Didn’t think so in the beginning but I am very grateful to be rid of the predator.
Yes, I am very grateful ?? But it’s early days yet. I’m one year from D-Day, and I left him in May last year. My kids still struggle a little, as they grew up in the country we were in. They love OZ and are blending in nicely, but still miss certain aspects of living amid the madness of a tropical mega city. Have you emailed Tempest to give your email address? A few of us (Aussie chumps) were emailed last week to provide email addresses for OZ chumps, so we can contact each other.
LHATA–Maree was in the contact list of the Australia chumps email (you all might have to share your CL monikers in that email to make sure everyone knows each other). I hope you can get meetups scheduled!
Yes, I did receive the email from Tempest. I was away for the week so I haven’t responded yet. I will get around to it on my lazy Sunday, I promise! Sorry.
Someone from Perth – great!- SO many of the Asian girls look like the perfect wife it seems like there is an annual exodus of middle aged men living in escapism. I don’t even know who mine cheated with – its still a mystery a year on… dont care to be honest – . How can we get a meet up together!?
Friends I thought would be my Samantha turned out to be traitors. I was lucky enough to have one who has stood by me and remained my friend throughout all the humiliation and heartache.
My brother who I thought would be supportive had made remarks such as, it takes two, you must have done something to provoke X which at first I ignored. Recently my brother who hardly spoke to X while we were married has proclaimed that he and X are friends and that whatever went on between X and I has nothing to do with their friendship. WTF??? He relayed the message from X that he just wants me to get on with my life, as he’s gone on with his. In the conversation my brother was siding with X. I couldn’t take anymore. I don’t have anything more to do with him and sadly never will.
Oh, ouch! Sorry to hear that Brit. Good for you for going NC. You deserve so much better! Hugs Girlfriend!
I had a close (male) friend that I thought would be a Samantha, who turned out to be a traitor as well. He was supportive of me and then cheated on his own wife! I am trying to be a Samantha to her now. I have nothing to do with him.
I had a whole bunch of Samanthas from the Sisterhood of Support which luckily I stumbled into just days after DDay. We planned all sorts of horrible stuff for each other’s partners (the wee willie guillotine was one of my personal favs) and cheered each other on through the dark days much like we do here in CN. My other Samantha is my friend Andy, a high school friend I reconnected with after years of being out of touch. He shored me up, assured me I have worth as a woman (“you’re sexy and beautiful – now get out there and find somebody”), told me my ex was an utter idiot for letting me get away and gave me a brilliant example of what a husband and father is really supposed to look like. Thanks to his encouragement I was able to get through my divorce and have been dipping my toe in the dating pool.
Love everything you post Beth, you have major storytelling talent.
There were two Samanthas that miraculously appeared on DD. You see, I had been gradually isolated from friends and family over the years and didn’t really have any close friends, just some co-workers who were friendly. The day he assaulted me in front of our small children, I left. One co-worker (who then was attending law school while still working) had the kids and me stay at her house until a temporary protective order could be issued. Another co-worker gave me a money order for $10,000 (indefinite loan, no questions asked – the marks on my body said it all to her) to retain an attorney asap so I could get the protective order and file for divorce. I am forever grateful for these women who went far above and beyond to help. And to this day, even though we moved from the area, one of them still remains a close friend, and I know she has my back.
I didn’t have anyone really ferociously defending me, but I didn’t need it in the end. My ex came to pick up the kids and my mom went out before them, to serve the divorce papers. He didn’t understand what was happening and thought she was coming out to say hi I guess. He went in for a hug and she stepped back and handed him the papers and told him she was disappointed in him. From that early moment on, I guess he realized I wasn’t keeping his dirty little secret anymore, so he’s avoided my family like a coward. I’ve been completely disdainful in all my dealings with him, never giving him an opening, so he’s crawled off with his tail between his legs for the most part.
Your MOM served him? She’s awesome!
My beloved badass Samantha is icandothis18 who is my twin from a different mother. Her DDay is 6 months after mine – we both have a lot of kids and STBXs who devalued and discarded and our kids have suffered unbearably. We met through a mutual friend. We have each other’s back 24/7 and text and call 24/7. We GET each other.
My experience is that unless someone has livedthrough this they often say and do things that are actually more abusive and unsupportive. Turns out that many of the people in my neighborhood and wider social circle have reveled they had affairs — so disgusting. Those I immediately drop.
I want to mention something about those types though– immediately after DDay a divorced dad of my daughter’s friend (gorgeous, former NFL player) who was a casual acquaintance was at a weekend long kid event. We got to talking and I told him a brief description of what had just happened. He swooped in and became a huge champion for me to leave, was a daily texter with reminders of why I was awesome and cheater was evil and reconciliation futile. In my rage and humiliation and rejection I started to be attracted to him but he had VERY firm boundaries (no dating kids’ friends mom’s, no dating until after divorce is final….). The shocking part: He told me that his marriage ended 10 years earlier when he cheated with a co-worker – said it was the biggest regret of his life and my STBXwould live to hate himself and what he was doing. Once I found CL and learned more about cheaters, narcs and BPDs I distanced myself from this guy but I never forget the Samantha qualities he had in those first dark dark dark months. It’s oxymoronic, I know.
While going through false reconciliation, the STBXW was gaslighting like crazy and best of all lavishing me with all the kinds of sex we’d never had! I was falling hard for the mindfuck and was considering handing over all the evidence of her affairs as her mom and the cheater ex continued to work on me mentally ” how could we ever reestablish trust and intimacy if I kept all that blackmail” The cheater was literally chasing me down multiple times a day for anytime/anywhere wild sex and I was close to giving in. She really loved me not the tennis pro/next door neighbor/her best friend’s husband/guy on our mixed doubles team! Luckily my best friend wished me the best with the wreckonciliation, told me to enjoy the wild sex while it lasted, but wisely warned me that it was likely all an act. He advised me to copy everything and send the original evidence to stash in his safe (which I did). Once all the emails/texts/phone bills were safely locked up in my buddies safe, I handed over the evidence – stomach churning love letters and planning for hookups as she’d leave her computer/phone open when drinking heavily and even mistakingly sent me a few texts meant for the true love(s) . As soon as she had the evidence in hand and she was sure the originals were deleted off my electronics, the love bombing came to a screeching halt and she was back to full blown cheating mode. Imagine her surprise when all the evidence reappeared in discovery ! Thanks Best Friend!
S and D
That is an astonishing and cautionary tale.
Thank goodness for your friend !
APPLAUSE!
I made sure my lawyer had copies of everything, lest I make the same mistake in a weakened moment.
That’s major agency. Mighty!
I had a Samantha. I am a Samantha. And I’m crying my eyes out reading about all y’all’s Samanthas and absences of Samanthas. <3
Sorry folks – this is going to be a long one. I have several Samanthas (and Sams, for that matter). The top two are as follows: Naturally, course Chump Lady. I wouldn’t still be breathing without her. My other Samantha should be Sainted. OW called me drunk at 1:30 am one week before Christmas 2015. Mind you, I had just severely broken my ankle in three places and was recovering from surgery (2 clamps and 7 screws, but that’s another story). OW knew about my STBX was married from the very beginning, and was aware that I have 3 young children. Ironically, OW is divorced with 2 kids because ….. drum roll….. her husband cheated. She called to tell me that she had been in an affair with my husband for 9 months, and had just found out that he fucked another slut and apparently that pissed her enough to call me. She also texted me naked pics of him in her bed. Seared into my brain…..
But I digress.
I called my Samantha at 1:45 am ON A SCHOOL NIGHT. She has eight – count them eight – children. She immediately came over and began ordering me around (I was on a knee scooter so in hindsight it was pretty funny.) She told me to get my black Hefty bags and white kitchen garbage bags. Then she began sorting through his shit. His suits, ties, and anything nice went to Good Will in the black bags. The old crap that she decided he was allowed to have she placed into white trash bags. Then she laid them on our front lawn covered with my wedding dress, framed family photos and a framed wedding photo along with some crap gifts he had given me over the years. It was quite the display! She called him and told him he might want to pick his shit up before the neighbors saw, which he didn’t. A few neighbors saw before he raced over in his fuckmobile (BMW of course – no offense to BMW users but I hate that fucking car.) So some of the neighbors saw him scrambling to pick up the trash bags and my wedding dress, stuff them in his car and then hightail it out of there. That took about four hours; Then, God Bless my Samantha, she drove my kids to school. She has one of the most awesome husband in the world. He is the one who woke her up to tell her that I needed her and to rush over to my house. He got all eight kids ready for school (3 different schools) and to school on time.
I hope every chump has a friend like my Samantha. She has been my rock and voice of reason throughout all of this. Love you CN!
Oh I forgot to mention that she topped the whole pile off with the fuckers CPAP. Just the CPAP. No case. He really doesn’t want people to know he needs that.
That is one of the most awesome stories I’ve ever heard!
I’m in love with your Samantha! What a great human being. Thanks for sharing your story. I’m inspired.
Sara…. your Samantha is a keeper. Love this story. Cheers to strong female friends!
That is one great Samantha! Women really brook no bullshit when the chips are down, y’know? I had a work friend (whose dad was a cheater, so she saw it all happen to her mom, the devastating aftermath) who, when I told her XH was moving his stuff out of the house that evening, said, “You cannot be in that house. Come here to my house and … you just cannot be in that house.” I was still paralyzed with “what am I supposed to be doing right now” deer in the headlights behavior, and she got me out of the road.
My sister (also a chump) is not a ragey person, but she has had a quiet persistent wisdom and acceptance that helped me see it was over from the beginning, there was no “chance” for us. And another wise friend who talked to me every day was one of the few from whom I could accept “I cannot hate him, because I don’t know him” because his whole personality is wise, zen, pacifist, but he was unwavering in his support of me.
Samantha-wise, though, I had two:
1. A mutual friend who I always thought was a better friend of XH than of me, one of only five people at our wedding (we got married on skis on a mountaintop), who, when I told him (having learned this was the “right” thing to say) that I didn’t expect him to be angry, interrupted me and almost yelled, “Oh, I’m angry. I’m so angry with him I don’t know WHAT to do!” I don’t know if he ever chewed XH out or not, but just hearing HIS good friend be angry with his behavior was very moving; and
2. An old friend from work (and I wonder sometimes if people who lacked Samantha’s didn’t work in friend-cultivating environments, since nearly all of my current friends I met while working with them) who, every single time I would say, Well, this or that…. would reply, “I still want to punch that motherfucker in the neck.” LOVE her!
(Oh, and there was one [veterinary] client whose pets I’d seen for years who whispered to me, after a visit with one of her dogs, “You know, I could have my brothers beat the shit out of him in the alley behind his restaurant. Just say the word….” 🙂 I didn’t, but, boy, it was fun to roll that one around in my head for a couple of minutes.)
My main Samantha is my mom. When my baby was in the hospital in November, I left the room to get a shower and STBX was in my daughter’s room alone with my mom. I will probably never know what all she said, but the parts I do know make me smile. Unfortunately, I am sure nothing she said took root, but I am glad she let him have it.
I also have my sisters and a few good friends who I can talk to. One in particular, who is also divorced from a less than stand up guy. Every time STBX does something particularly shitty, I can send her a text and tell her. She will always have my back. Funny thing is that I wasn’t particularly close with her before all this. I think she knew I needed someone who would understand. When chumps help chumps, it is especially mighty!
Most of you know about my mutual-Samantha friendship with 4a..m. 4ever. I may not have posted about my “shoulder spirit” sisters (as in: http://www.publicationcoach.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/285-homer1.jpg.pagespeed.ce.uB9BcjCXNp.jpg) who were also there for me in Samantha-like fashion every step of the way.
Sister 1 — “Gabriel” — was the angel on one shoulder. She took the calmed, reasoned strategic approach to everything. She listened to every rant and rave and bitch and moan I had so spew, then corralled me and helped me figure out how to most productively address it. Her Samantha comments took this form: “The reason she’s doing this is because (a) she’s once again looking for someone to pay attention to her, (b) she’s not willing to take any responsibility for what she’s done, (c) she enjoys the drama of throwing hissy fits, and (d) she’s batshit crazy.”
Sister 2 — “Beelzebub — was the demon on the other shoulder. She also listened intently to everything I had to say, then would start listing all of KK’s deficiencies and past discretions and offering creative suggestions for how she could be made to suffer for it. Her Samantha comments took this form: “Who the fuck does shit like this? What kind of demented mind justifies treating people this way?! You KNOW now that she’s a c—, don’t you? Have you thought at all about taking that vibrating purple dildo, cramming it down her fucking throat, turning it on and then posting video of it on Youtube?”
Can I borrow Samantha as a friend.
Hell she sounds awesome, is she single? I would love to date her!
My Samantha friends did not write such a letter but they immediately went to work with me to follow him on outings with prostitutes and get photos of them. They shunned him in face to face encounters and cut off all contact. He is never mentioned by these friends in the presence of my children – they make it as if he never existed. I am so very grateful for these friends.
It has given me enormous pleasure to be a Samantha friend post D-Day. I found a new courage. A neighbour’s husband of 40+ years was discovered to have been fucking around on her for years. He tried to continue to give friendly greetings and cheery waves from the driveway (as his wife wept inside the house). I stopped and glared at him each time, standing there until he got in his car and left or went in the house. It took about five such events before he started to bolt from the front door to his car with sunglasses on to avoid any encounters. Another asshole fuck-around husband of my dear friend from England had the nerve to email me to ask if he and their son could come for a visit. I wrote back (and copied my friend so that he would know that she knew) to say that it was not convenient and asked where he got all the money for travel. I asked if his ex-wife who had supported and raised the children all by herself wouldn’t be entitled to some of that money or perhaps the creditors from his recent bankruptcy. Never heard from that asshole again.
I had other Switzerland friends whom I dumped although it took a while. I was lost in a haze after D Day and it took time (not a very long time) for me to face the fact that they were as two-timing as he was.
Thank God for Samanthas! I have four, count’em, FOUR Samanthas in my life and I feel incredibly blessed. My sister is my main Samantha – she takes my calls at 3:00 am if I need her, talks me down when I’m sobbing hysterically in my basement while my daughter is upstairs, and lets me know that despite what HE says this is NOT my fault and I did NOTHING to deserve this – I deserve better. My other three Samanthas are local friends – they take me out to lunch and let me vent and ply me with alcohol when I need it. And, most importantly, they are NOT Switzerland friends – it drives him up the wall to think that there are people out there who know who he is, especially since the local friends have husbands that he considers “friends” (can narcissists have real friends? I don’t think so…) – but I don’t care, I have a support system, and I ain’t letting it go!
I had two all star Samnthas. My emergency contact Samantha in city that stored documents, had us to Xmas dinner, put up Xmas lights, shovelled my driveway and supported me with gallons of coffee. My sister Samantha that took a weeks vacay to come to my house so I could attend the mandatory divorce course to pursue legal separation. She and my daughter re organizes my closet to fill the empty gap left behind from his clothes, and she sifted thru every memory keeper helping me to delete him from my life less than a month after I threw him out. No chance to obsess when he’s been literally exsponged from the home. And pitch hit Samantha’s, a dear bff that kept reminding me of Gloria Steinmans easy on successful versus unsuccessful people – how the thinking person looks in a mirror and can see their past, present and future and see how their actions have impacted and will impact those around them while the unsuccessful narc looks in the mirror and sees nothing but themselves past, present and future. Her along with CL has made me analyze the wasbands actions under – how does this benefit him?, a high school friend that was a year ahead of me taking me out for hockey on my birthday and a listening ear for all my tirades as she had been there.
I totally love this way of thinking about how narcissists view life differently:
“And pitch hit Samantha’s, a dear bff that kept reminding me of Gloria Steinmans essay on successful versus unsuccessful people – how the thinking person looks in a mirror and can see their past, present and future and see how their actions have impacted and will impact those around them while the unsuccessful narc looks in the mirror and sees nothing but themselves past, present and future.”
After a few years of dating, I moved across the country with my fiancé.
So, by the time she got around to cheating on me (as my wife) five years later, we had made some friends in our new city. But the large majority were “her” friends (or at least became “her” friends during the divorce).
So, “my” few new friends did say that my wife sucked…but they didn’t have the “back story.” They just knew I was married and my wife cheated. So, they logically agreed I should divorce.
It was the OLD friends from back home that really got angry. I rarely saw them during or after the divorce. And even now, having moved back, I don’t see them much.
But when I do, they rant! They spew forth explicatives about my ex wife. Even now, years later! They have no patience for her or anyone who is friends with her. Even some tangential acquaintances from here totally hate my ex.
And I think that’s because these old friends saw the whole story–saw me fall in love, hard, and her fall in love “hard,” and saw how we apparently had this life plan all figured out. They saw how I sacrificed by moving for her, but that “we” were so in love that it would be an amazing life together…
…so given my ex destroyed that life, these old friends “tell it like it is.” No sugar coating. No “shared blame.”
“Fuck her” is the most common refrain.
My brother. Emotionally and financially, he is my Samantha. He has been there for me 100%. He bailed me out of jail when I knocked the crap out of my STBX when I found another hidden email. He is with me when I am turned up into the fetal position. He convinces me to reconsider renting a backhoe so I can bury Turdd, in the desert, alive. G-d bless that man.
Samantha is a fucking American hero.
My best friend flew 2000 miles and spent 3 weeks with me during the polar vortex weather event after D-Day–she went from warm weather and sunny skies to weeks of below zero weather, snow, and horrific wind chill. She made me get up and go outside. We stacked wood. We made beds for the deer in the woods out of the old leaves bagged up in the garage (the polar weather hit so hard I didn’t want the garbage guys to have to get out of their trucks to collect them). We fed birds and other critters who were feeling the cold. I had adopted a new cat who was so scared she got stuck in the ceiling in the old garage that is now “basement,” so she helped me saw a hole in the ceiling and patch it up. We cooked. She listened for hours. She rubbed my feet. She got me off my couch at night and into the bedroom. She helped me start to think about my future. She rubbed my feet. She helped me imagine life “alone” as a good thing. She made me feel loved and lovable. And all of that helped me to see that having a male partner maybe isn’t all that important.
Love this thread as it acknowledges those wonderful people around us that were there to remind us of the good when we were going through one of the worst times of our lives. I am one of those who was deeply blessed with multiple Samantha’s around to pick me back up during my nightmare…w.o them, I would not be in as good as a place as I am today.
My strongest Samantha was my sister. She is one of the most loyal and protective people I know and had his number from the start. She was also probably the one he feared the most of running into after he left. She was and remains my personal bodyguard and built a fortress of protection around my children and I when he took off. She refused to let me wallow in my grief and would make me laugh w. outrageous revenge plots. When he had the nerve to finally show his face at a HS football game (pure narc…the only thing he ever did, reliving his HS days), she marched right over, confronted and shamed him. From that point on, he would lurk by the outskirts. She was sure to be nearby w. a stare down. The football parents and coaches shunned him as well. He could not permeate the group any longer. This probably affected him more than abandoning his family!
Turns out I have a lot of Samanthas. More than I ever thought I would have. Several close ones who let me talk their ears off and validate my actions and feelings. Many many fabulous ladies who have given The Worm the cold shoulder and stink eye. And one amazing lady who refused to allow The Worm to go near her at a large party of 200 people, was quite vocal about it actually. That made my day. ?
Now I need a serious intervention….The Worm wants to go to counseling…. ?
“More than I ever thought I would have” – that’s the nice part, right? the unexpected ones?
I had a veterinary client who was the nicest, happiest, most pleasant person you’d ever want to talk to — cheery, that’s what she was — and I’d seen her dogs for years, so when she asked one day how I was (the weight loss was sudden and obvious) and I told her what was going on (early days), she stopped and said, simply, “Motherfucker!” — You could have knocked me over with a feather! I laughed so hard, and (not a hugger!) hugged her and said, “Thank you SO much for that!!” The shock and outrage was exactly the mirror of my inner self, expressed so succinctly by someone who (as my mother used to say) “wouldn’t say shit if she had a mouthful” — evidently she would!! 🙂
Wormfree, no counselling, no counselling, nothing that involves the Worm.
Remember that ‘No.’ is a complete sentence!
I did not have a Samantha. I’m more of a Samantha to others but not myself. As I mentioned in other posts – I let people pick me if they wanted to be friends and I was loyal. I just assumed they were too. No surprise I placed my values on them without checking to see if they were true friends.
My ex had done a good job of separating me from my few friends by telling me how shitty they were (which he might have been right on.) When the shit hit the fan – nobody was really there.
10 times harder on my own. Getting kicked out with no money, no true friends, and having to donate 90% of my stuff to Salvation Army just to not leave it behind.
I sold my life insurance policy for 1/20th its value with proof of cancer fast and moved into a studio and spent the next few months crying like a baby. Somebody owns my life out there waiting for me to die to collect. Wtf.
The thing that moved me the most about this letter was when Samantha said her friend did not ‘deserve it’. I never really thought of that. I really didn’t deserve it. I never thought of what deserved.
Now I don’t want to make friends. Not yet. I don’t trust my judgement/picker. Until I can, I feel safer being friend free.
Chump^9,
I appreciate your feelings, and your lack of trust in your judgement, but I think you need to consider that part of the reason he dissed your friends was to isolate you, so he could keep you in his little bubble of fuckedup-edness. Sure, your friends may have had their foibles, and qualities that you didn’t like. I’m sure he mentioned them a lot. But does anyone have a friend who is 100% perfect (if so, you’re very lucky). Most of my friends on balance are great, but have something about them that I don’t care for. On balance, though, they are good people and I enjoy their friendship.
Don’t let his pre-breakup gaslighting of your friends and your judgement continue to keep you in his bubble, with or without him. When you’re ready, go out and make some new friends. Be active in this process. Walking around carrying a sign saying ‘Interested in being my friend’ will attract the wrong kind of people. Find friends who you like, who you respect, who can make you laugh, and who you can cry with. Friends who share a lot of your values and interests. And importantly, friends that you would feel save knowing they have your back and you have theirs when the going gets rough.
Another way of looking at this is that you don’t trust your judgement on picking friends (heck, you picked him, didn’t you, that was a pretty disastrous choice). But you’ll never get better at it if you don’t go out and practice. Try meeting some people. Decide if they are good friend material or not. See where it goes. Learn. Forgive yourself when you make mistakes (like when you picked ex). Move forward. The alternative is to spend your life in the bubble.
Hugs. Good luck.
Thank you! Great advice!
My Samantha had a place to rent for me (which was HUGE since I have big dogs), an understanding ear, she invited me out socially many times, she hooked me up with a domestic abuse advocate (who helped me understand even more how abusive snake was without ever hitting me),she went to hearings with me and listened to me vent over snake’s legal shenanigans, calmed my fears time and again…. I owe her so much more than I can ever repay. I had a few other people in my corner, but none like her.
I have so many Samantha’s, I am truly blessed. My main one- my very best friend of 30+ years- Lorrie-we raised our kids together- was there on the first D-Day now almost six years ago. She and another Samantha came over that first night I found out about the OW, picked my son up at the train station, made me eggs, made me eat, wiped my tears, made me get dressed and go to work, let me lay on her couch and cry and basically took care of me as if I was a child. We spent endless hours on the phone dissecting what happened and why. She wrote my now ex- a scathing letter about what he did to me and our son. She stayed by my side through my illness and recovery (lung cancer), four d-days, the final divorce (I filed), she went with me to the divorce lawyer, she went with me to the doctors, she helped me prepare all the financial documents, she drove with me to court when I couldn’t muster the strength to go alone, I basically lived with her and her husband, only going home to sleep. Her husband mentored my son, who was in shock about what a shit his father turned out to be. I still have dinner with them at least twice a week. She is more than a friend. She is a sister. And she wasn’t my only Samantha. There were two other very good friends who were there to slightly lesser degree. And three other friends from high school that are now single who didn’t want to hear the whole mess but were also there to lean on. And two great friends I met in a divorce group, one of whom is a great, very close friend who is six months divorced from a cheater as I am, so we are very much at the same stage and completely understand each others heartbreak for ourselves and our children. And I am a lawyer- there have been Samantha’s- male and female in my firm- who offered to take the cheating pos and his OW to court and rip their guts out for free (even though we are not a marital law firm) even though I ended up walking away at the end. And the friends from college- the ex and I went to college together- they call and keep tabs on me- they don’t talk to him any longer. So, I am so very luck to have so many Samantha’s. And he has none. But the most important of all- my adult son and his gf (soon to be wife)- they are my silent Samantha’s- (well, she has been more vocally supportive when my son is not around). So what did my ex end up with? Nobody and nothing except the OW and his brother and sister who have told me that they think he’s crazy and a liar. I got everybody else and I mean EVERYBODY ELSE.
My Samantha was Danielle, my best friend. My D-Day was November 17, 2015. However, 6 years prior to that I’d found out he’d been having a year-long affair/relationship with a ho-worker and I found out a month before I was set to give birth to our daughter. When I confronted him, he was just so cold and said that at times he needed time to himself, never admitting the affair. We started planning to separate, but 2 months later he came to me and told me “everything” and seemed genuinely remorseful. I had him call her on speaker and break things off; she was livid. She told me everything, even the fact that he’d introduced our 5-year-old son to her and they’d gone on regular playdates with her son. That pain was like no other, but I chose to stay and make an attempt at “wreckonciliation.” Danielle was extremely supportive of my decision to stay, but she stressed to me that I deserved better. Fast forward to November 2015 and he gave me the “I’m not happy” speech, Danielle was furious. Unfortunately she was in the fight for her life with lupus. Even when she was in the hospital unable to walk or talk after being in a month-long coma, she supported me. Once she regained consciousness and the use of her fingers, she began texting me words of encouragement. At one point, she texted, “I can’t wait until I’m well enough to get out of here so I can support you and help you.” Unfortunately she passed September 2016, but I know she’s watching over me, still fighting for me? I wish I’d listened to her 6 years ago.
Danielle sounds like a treasure, and I am so sorry for your loss. Friends like that are rare and precious. Best to you.
Thanks Mom of the Good Guys. I’m just glad to have known her. Nothing like having a friend that has your back.
I had Samathas that supported me and told me those things, but I wish they would have flat out told him. I wish everyone would have shamed him to his face. Anyone who talked to him was mild. Oh, you might be making a mistake….Damn it! Tell him what a POS he really is. Tell him that normal people don’t act like this. I am sure it would not have mattered much, but maybe he would shut his FB shit then.
Hey Chump Nation , this is Not This Girl and I need a Samantha today. My house finally sold after fighting with the asshole for a year to put it on the market. My STBX had refused to leave and because I couldn’t afford the mortgage alone, he took over the residence and I have been staying with my parents. Last night, I went over there with a friend to start packing my things. I knew it would be difficult, because my home had been my refuge before D Day and every piece of furniture I had picked out and loved. But what made it even more difficult is I found his whore’s items scattered throughout the house. Even matching ugly Christmas sweaters they had probably worn for a holiday party- this symbol of coupledom made me so angry! Here I am, fighting with everything I have to start a new life and move past the pain, and this motherfucker is wearing matching sweaters in MY HOME with the whore who helped destroy the life I had loved and worked so hard to build. Needless to say, this triggered the betrayal all over again and that sickening feeling of discovery. I have been doing well on my way to meh, but now I want him to pay in every way. I want justice for my pain. How do you deal with the loss of everything you worked hard for while the person who was supposed to love you most in this world is now frolicking with his whore? How do you move past the injustice of it all?
Hi, I Need,
It fucking sucks, doesn’t it? At a time when you really most need to have someone help you, the person who stood up in front of your family and friends and promised to love and honor and support you “til death do us part” has become someone else entirely! The person you loved and married is like a ghost figure — or an evil demon has taken up residence in his skin.
I remember (nearly three years ago now) asking XH not to bring OW to our friend’s wedding reception (less than a month after Dday) or the divorce hearing (47 days after Dday), and he said, “Of course I won’t, why would you think I would do that?” Now, hearing the audacity of these fuckers, I’m glad I swallowed my pride and asked.
I came to regard the whole experience as an earthquake or a meteor coming through my roof. No rhyme or reason — just a thing that happened. Wrecked my life. Took (as you say) everything I worked hard for: physical objects but more importantly intangible things like “home” and “trust” and “love.” What do those mean anymore? It’s not fair, you’re right. But I remind myself neither is being born with debilitating birth defects, or being born a woman in Iraq or Sudan. There may be no Karma bus, ever, for him/them, and hanging around waiting for it just keeps you stagnated in the past. It’s gone, honey. It sucks and it’s excruciating and infuriating, but eventually you will have to move on.
And you will GET to move on. You can read, here, the stories of those who left relationships with these cheaters who devalued them (us, you) and moved on to better lives with loving (TRULY loving) partners. Many of us have had illnesses spontaneously clear up. We stop believing the gaslighting inflicted on us by our narcissistic spouses, that we were unworthy of love and lucky to have them. We weren’t lucky. We were bamboozled for years, and really who needs that in their lives.
It’s unfair and even more unfair, justice may never come. That’s life. In my opinion, the justice is that he doesn’t get to have the unwavering Samantha-like love and dedication I would have given him until the very end of his life. I’m an awesome partner – and so are you — and, sure, they get the furniture, but they don’t get to have us.
Hugs.
Beautiful, NWBiblio. “They get the______, but they don’t get us.” When I look back I know I was worthy and a damn good wife. Hell, he was lucky to have me. Eventually though the disordered fuck over everything good in their lives.
Imagine them in butt-ugly Christmas sweaters and hope they die from the polyester fumes?
((hugs))
NTG – I can remember going over to pick up my son from his Dad’s and seeing the OW’s hair clip literally clamped on to a photo of the my son and my step kids. Her Aveeno products in the bathroom, the coffee maker he bought to have for her at his house. This man – who wouldn’t lift a finger to raise our kids or be faithful in our marriage was now being “that guy” for her and her “spray” was everywhere.
But here is the thing… she’s getting all his bad stuff too. She gets to have his poor money management skills (he makes 6 figures and lives paycheck to paycheck). He needs serious dental work done on his front teeth but won’t spend the money (needs it for porn and hotel rooms). He’s in debt up to his eyeballs and has no retirement fund. He has a history of cheating and lying and failing at relationships. He is a pathological lying bisexual whore. But she doesn’t know that yet. She’s early on in the journey to hell.
You got out. You got your freedom to begin again. You will build your home again. He got a building, not a heart.
Let them enjoy wearing stupid sweaters – seriously, that is nothing to envy. They’re both trying too hard already!
I will admit one thing… I did take that fucking hair clip off the picture and threw it in the river. Felt great.
We’ve got your back.
Thanks Samantha’s! I was tempted to throw those fucking sweaters in the trash, but I thought that would show I still care. This kibble dispensary is permanently closed!! I also found a coffee maker and he hates coffee!! These assholes are all the same. I will move past this, but shit it’s hard!!
Exactly. Just act like you don’t care and your brain and heart will follow. Turn the tables and don’t make them matter. Remember they are just poor widdle narcs pining for your attention like ticks pining for blood — Go NC and starve them to death!!! 😛
Not This Girl, the injustice is the hardest bit. May take quite some time to move past it. And by move past it I mean not think about it much anymore. By move past it, I mean it won’t make you crazy anymore. Just once in a while you’ll see a news article about some dude who keeled over and you might check the name in case you know, justice…
Jedi Hugs!
My gosh, I’ve had an army of Samathas…no, they’re more like Marines.
Each one is beyond wonderful. Carrie, who helped me move forward – especially in the early days of betrayed fog. “Do one thing for yourself today.” She tried to get me to focus and would listen to me cry (still does almost 4 years later) and offer sound advice: “He’s not your friend.” Alice, my dear friend dating back to HS would call me every Friday or Saturday night as she knew I would be all alone. We had a kick ass girl’s celebration in Las Vegas when the divorce was final. My darling friend Paula, who flew to Australia with me in dipshit’s place on a trip we had planned for almost a year. He had told me weeks before that he wanted a divorce and treated me like I was less than human – serving me with divorce papers as I was leaving the house for the trip (day before my birthday). Paula has 3 young kids that she had to arrange care for while she was gone – not easy as her husband is an airline pilot. She cried with me when we were gone when I realized he pulled half of our money out of the bank and retained a lawyer. And Lisa: Lisa is an awesome lady with tremendous strength. We hadn’t been close for many years, but when I reached out to her, she welcomed me with open arms. We’ve traveled together and have become close friends again. She had her own recent heartaches and I hope I’ve been a rock for her. My own sister Shanon, who has been supportive – especially right after XH took off. Finally, my friend Nicolette. I never had a “big sister”, but I do now. She opened her home to me and my pup. She has a beautiful guest house that she let us live in for over 2 years (free). She made sure I had everything that I could have ever needed (pup too – she’d bring him chubs of ground turkey and treats). She’s been so incredibly generous and kind. I’ve cried so many tears of gratitude for these ladies. I feel like I am making a speech at the Academy Awards. I know I’ve forgotten someone…Bottom line, I’m blessed with great friends.
My XH has his wifetress (her second married man turned spouse). I don’t think they have any friends.
Nicolette is amazing! I particularly love how she was so kind to your doggy; our animals sometimes get short shrift as we sort through the wreckage of our lives. They patiently await the day, which they know will arrive when we have achieved a new normal and can play with them and smile again.
But anyway, Nicolette…wow. Letting you live free in her beautiful guest house is one of the kindest things I’ve ever read about. Bless her and you and your pup!
Thank you! Yes, she has been an absolute angel. She’s a friend to humans and all sorts of animals. I think she has had 2 rescue squirrels, a cat, four miniature Italian Greyhounds rescues, and I’ve seen her scoop bees out of her pool that are drowning. She and her husband are tops!
My poor pup had to be put down this summer (Pancreatic Cancer). He was only 5. I cried so many times because I felt like I wasn’t in a good place for most of his short life. Then I remember how he loved being at Nicolette’s. He quickly became part of her greyhound pack and was definitely a family member (he slept on my bed). He had a huge yard to play in and I think he was very happy. 🙂 In the spring, I will take his cremains and scatter the in her yard. That was his home for the majority of his little life.
I had no Samantha’s because I don’t confide in anyone. I think there are many people like me, which is why CN is such a blessing.
I went through hell, so bad that even the cops I had to deal with had tears in their eyes. They went out of their way to make the ex suffer humiliation for what he did to me. They knew prosecutors don’t often pursue domestic violence cases so they meted out some street justice then came round and quietly told me what they did. I look back on them as the friends I needed at the time. One of them said with a little smirk “why waste the court’s time when a rubber hose works a treat”.
In a way, I feel good that I came out the other side with no one who can remind me of my experiences. I recall them only when I visit this site.
Marci, I’m glad to hear you got a little street justice. I’m sure it was not close to what he ‘derserved’!
I’m with you on the not wanting to tell people. I feel pathetic when I do. I know I shouldn’t but I’m ashamed I didn’t leave through all the abuse. It was the most live I’d felt- and as fucked up as it was- it was the best I’d had.
I read here everyday as I’m sure you do to jet myself on a path to a better future. Hugs. Xo
None of my friends cussed out my ex like Samantha, but I think my oldest son did. I just don’t know what he said, but I heard his dad told him he “was too close to his mother and needed to get counseling,” which my son thought was rich, considering the source.
Anyway, my parents were totally there for me and helped me sort and pack up 30+ years of stuff and move out of my home alone. They bolstered me when I had no will to fight. Another friend let me move in with her for a year, which was a blessed reprieve. Many other friends surrounded me and threw me a couple of parties to celebrate milestones. My sister was like my personal counselor because she’d been through divorce herself. Don’t know what I’d have done without them.
I was blessed to have many people to step in to the role of Samantha for me over the last two years… my own personal Seven Dwarves, if you will:
1. Homicide Detective – No body, no crime.
2. Loyal Big Sister – We never did see what you saw in him.
3. SAHM Bestie – Fuck him, seriously, fuck him.
4. High School Bestie – Boy, is he gonna regret fucking with you.
5. Divorced Dad – yup, my X did that shit too…cheaters gonna cheat, liars gonna lie.
6. Grandma Neighbor – he’s a piece of shit, you got your son – focus on that goodness
7. Pastor – sometimes God brings people into our lives, but sometimes he pushes them out too
And EVERYONE HERE AT CHUMP NATION and CHUMP LADY.
I may feel lonely from time to time, but I am never alone.
I fortunately have two Samanthas in particular who made sure I made it out alive.
Both were there to listen as I confusingly navigated the shock and awe of discovery. Both reminded me I wasn’t crazy and that yes, he is a sick fuck.
Both have been instrumental in helping me and my sons with moral support, hand me down clothes, rides, overnight stays for the kids, snow blowing, fall clean up, prom night bow tie emergencies, etc.
My Samanthas’ husbands have helped with guy stuff and teaching my sons, too. When one of my sons made a wisecrack about me in an attempt at humor, one of their husbands schooled him, and well. My son later confessed what had happened and how he was put in his place. Then he apologized for not being nicer to me, saying, “I didn’t know how much you did without us knowing to keep us together, Mom.” Thanks to Samantha’s husband, my son developed a new respect for me.
Both Samanthas showed up the night X finally left and I was a puddle.
One Samantha showed up the next day with a sledgehammer to help me destroy the homemade bar in the basement.
Both Samanthas have saved my life. And they’re still around and have seen me through the worst of it. I’m here because they were there when I needed them.
Wow, your Samanthas are exemplary role models. Also good for your kid to recognize and own his mistakes. These things we have been through are no joke.
I have had several Samantha’s, but the one who carried me through and is my secret cheering section is a 73 year old neighbor that I befriended from my church. I love the wisdom of some of these older ladies who show us younger ones that nothing is new and their generation dealt with cheating, lying skanks like my ex too. I have an older cousin who’s 63 who lives in Canada but yet called me daily to help me push my ex and his entire scheming family out of my life. THANK YOU!
Yay!!!!! to Samantha!
Yes, I had my own Samantha, except her name was Barb. After a long session if his gaslighting and mind fuckery, she was like a breath of fresh air. “Is he STABLE?”, she inquired, and it made me think about it and realize that no, no he really wasn’t.
I did not recognize my own worth in those bad, sad days, but Barb always saw me for who I really was. She didn’t have a lot of higher education, but she had a sense about people and situations I’ve seldom seen equalled, even to this day. We had a falling out almost 25 years ago over something stupid, and from what I gather, she’s maybe not the person I used to know, or a person I’d want as a friend now, but for fifteen years, that girl was by my side, helping me fight my battles, and grokking what I was trying to express in ways nobody else really got.
I have always wished I could find another best friend like her.
My Samantha is my best friend of about 38 years, we’ve been friends since junior high school. A million blessings to her, because without her sanity and support I wouldn’t still be here. And I mean that literally, I owe her my life. She was the one when I was making midlife crisis excuses for him and his behavior, and crying and falling apart. Who across the miles, figuratively took my face in her hands and said something that has changed my life. She said that I was co-dependent and needed to stop making excuses for him. I had heard the word co-dependent before but always in connection with addiction. He is an addict, but I never enabled him and always supported healthy living and thinking. So I was confused, how could I be a co-dependent in this relationship? It was that question, that her wise observation and gutsy telling me the truth when I was so low and in the depths of chumpdom ( or is it chumpdumb? ) That gave me the spark to learn, and that became the means to free myself from the shackles of loving a narcissist. Because I learned, and I am still learning, just what those two words mean ( narcissist & co-dependent. ) And what that combo does to the co-dependent. That you can be single and in no relationship and still be co-dependent. In fact you need to work on that before you get together with someone else or it’s likely you’ll just repeat and repeat as I have, from simply not knowing. Without her saying that word to me, I might never have had the key to free myself from this vicious cycle of attracting narcs and being brought so low by them.
Ever since that night that I told her everything she has been there for me though we are separated by a lot of miles. She Skype’s with me usually a message everyday so I don’t feel so alone. That’s love. And when we talk on Skype, sometimes we talk for 5 or 6 hours, believe it or not, if we have the time. She’s like a sister to me. And we, like sisters have had our times where we weren’t in sync and took time off from each other. Though the longest time was my doing and I regret it. I was probably going through a midlife crisis of my own on a small scale and not accepting changes. Thinking they were endings, when they were just, changes. Still she accepted me back after 8 years of me just being gone from her life. That’s love and understanding. I won’t go away again and I am going to spend the rest of my life making it up to her.
She is such a source of hope and positivity for me. She doesn’t just think because I’m left alone at age 52 that my life will end up alone and lonely and loveless. She always says that it just takes one man out there, who perhaps has had his heart broken too. And he’s looking for someone sweet and kind and empathetic to love. Not to abuse or take advantage of. Someone like her husband of 19 years who is a sweet and good man. Though he had a terribly traumatic childhood also, he didn’t become a non-empathetic narc because of it. It gives me hope because he treats her well, and that shows that the world isn’t just full of narc men. So here’s to my Samantha’s husband also, for being an example of a good man, and what could be for me in the future if I am lucky. She’s encouraging me so that when I am ready, I can get on the online dating sites and try again. This time protected with the knowledge so I don’t ever have to be hurt like that again. She encourages me to look at it like an adventure rather than the dread I feel. Having to think about dating after all that this kind of relationship and breakup does to you. She says that if you get back out there and have a life again, it means he didn’t win. So true.
She also has helped me get more into the 21st century again, always answering my questions when I am trying to navigate places like LinkedIn to try to find a good job. She has lots of advice and even reworked my resume for me without my having to ask. She’s smart and funny and so supportive. But she’s tougher than I am too, and so she also teaches me how a non-super-sensitive person lives and deals with what I am dealing with. In other words she gives me advice how not to be chumped again, and if I am, to leave the relationship immediately. I could go on and on in praise of her, but there is limited space here. Let’s raise a glass and toast all the Samantha’s of the world, and especially ours. They are as precious as gold and diamonds. We are all lucky as hell to have them.
I had several Samanthas and I don’t know how I would have survived without them. My family was awesome – extremely supportive and there for me 100%. But for some reason I felt more comfortable talking and crying with my friends who would check on me daily. I felt a little weird about this – leaning more on my friends emotionally. But one day I was having lunch with my Mom and one of her best friends. I was telling my whole story of what was going on. I mentioned that I had some amazing friends who were calling and texting every day. My mother’s friend said “you know, there is something about friends in times of crisis. Family is wonderful, necessary. But your friends, for some reason, sometimes are closer and more understanding and easier to talk to. I don’t know why . . .”. She went on to tell about times in her life when she talked to my Mom every day for support. It was great to hear her perspective and to know that this friend thing is a thing!
My friends listened, comforted and consoled. They also gently pushed me to get therapy, file, move out, when I was struggling to tread water. I don’t think my family felt they could push me like that.
To the new chumps out there – reach out to your friends. Let them know what is happening. Your true friends will “show up” for you in ways you never imagined!!
I Need A Samantha:
Maybe you needed me to be your Samantha today. Because I have been waiting for that karma bus, thinking it would never come and it just did. I spentsix years listening to how great the OW was, getting totally screwed financially, watching him retire while I will have to work forever to pay off his debts, being left alone after 36 years of marriage with no financial security, having to start all over again. But, here’s the thing. They look so damn HAPPY, don’t they? He didn’t talk to me for almost two years and I thought they ran off into the sunset together. But when he started talking to me in December, what did I hear all over again? He doesn’t love her. He’s sorry he left. It’s the biggest mistake he ever made. It was infatuation. I’m the love of his life. He’s not happy. And then a few weeks later, he’s changed his mind again. He does love me, but not like that. She’s okay, he’s going to stay with her for now. He keeps falling in and out of love with her and me. He’s not happy. He’s never happy. Her biggest fear is that he’s going to go back to me (NO CHANCE OF THAT!!!). They fight all the time. My point is- even if it takes you awhile to get to meh- and I am not there yet- my life is stable, my bills are paid, there is peace and I am off the emotional roller coaster- and my ex and his OW- they are still living that volatile crazy life that life with a narcissist borderline personality brings with it- impulsive, destructive, cold- it may not seem like it now, but you are the winner. You got off the roller coaster. You left the crazy behind. Let them tear each other apart. You got off the crazy bus. I’m rooting for you. You will be fine.
lostandfound thank you for sharing that karma bus story. We all long for that unless we are so meh and moved on we really don’t care. I know I’ll get there, but in the meantime, karma bus stories are the BEST. I have said basically the same thing that he and she achieving each other is the best revenge for me. Because she’s crazy ( no really, she’s been admitted to a hospital in the past by her stbxh, that kind of crazy. ) And he, my stbxh is crazy, a sex addict, a drinker and extremely dysfunctional. You’re so right about us being the lucky ones for being off that emotional roller coaster they seem to love to ride. It was making me sick before he left.
The lack of stress and the peace and quiet their absence brings is wonderful. Though I think my stbxh will regret everything like your ex has in years to come. I don’t ever even want to hear it. I want complete and utter no contact when our divorce is final. That will be my reward for going through all this hell. Because though it feels good that they aren’t happy, you still have to hear from them again to hear it. Eww, toxic people. Good riddance. I wish there were a complete CL post of karma bus stories to enjoy. Maybe there is in the archives. I know we aren’t to wish for it, but to wish for Tues. and meh. But till they come, stories like yours are very gratifying.
“I want complete and utter no contact when our divorce is final. That will be my reward for going through all this hell.”
Yes!
For me when kids graduate.
Lost and Found, I got the same from my Ex after he moved in with his Schmoopie. Came back and was full of stories about the two of them fighting constantly, she was jealous of me, even though we were divorced! She constantly wanted to know if she did things “better” than I did like cooking, cleaning, etc. I didn’t buy it, but it was VERY entertaining listening to all that crap he was spewing knowing that I could just say, “oh, that must have sucked for you because you thought she was sooo perfect!” Pissed him off to no end. He really thought I was just going to be so honored that he was wanting to come back to his life! That’s when I told him I was so sorry that he took that huge gamble with a stranger from Facebook and bet his good life away and lost! He was pissed beyond belief and I knew it, but he also realized that he had absolutely no power at that moment to change anything! It was golden!
My uncle pissed me off royally when he warned me not to marry my ex in the first place. Years later, my uncle pissed me off again when he showed up at scumbag’s work and chewed him out in front of ho-worker. Now, I’m so grateful that he loaned me his spine when I didn’t have one myself. To this day, my ex runs in the other direction with his tail between his legs liked a whipped dog when he sees my uncle on the street.
My cousin (same uncle’s daughter, of course!) always set me straight when I started to regret my decision to leave or feel bad with my ex. Example: “He cried the last time we spoke!” I sobbed. “He’s crying for himself!” she snapped back. She packed my suitcase when I was a crumpled up mess on the floor.
I thank God every day for my family.
I Need:
I also wanted to say that I saw a Japanese proverb on this site that I put up on office wall and read every day that comforts me:
Now that my barn has burned down I can better see the moon
Great quote!
After DDay #1, while I was doing wreckonciliation, I really only told two friends about what was going on. Didn’t want to wreck his reputation, or make things awkward in the friend group! Later these two friends also knew that he had threatened me physically a few months later, during an argument about my upset when he was going out to socialize alone (which was of course how he’d hooked up w/ho-worker).
Later we crossed paths with one of those friends, she waspolite but rather cold to narc cheater. He commented, something like ‘strange, she’s acting like she doesn’t like me!’ I said ‘why would she like you, she knows how you’ve treated me’. Of course this led to his sulking for a while. But it actually did me good, to see how she had my back and wasn’t willing to pretend like everything was fine.
Probably 8 or 9 monthsa fter DDay #2 and my kicking cheater narc out, our daughter asked to have her dad at her birthday party at our place. I agreed (trying to do that decent co-parenting thing). This same friend came w/her daughter, as did a couple of other parents. They all greeted cheater narc politely, briefly, then came and conspicuously clustered around me, chatting and warm and wonderful. This did me SO MUCH GOOD! He looked rather ill ….
I confess I was a not-great friend to one friend when her asshole narc cheated and they separated. I still maintained some relatively friendly contact w/him, not a lot, but I hadn’t found CL yet and thought it was normal to do so, and I wanted him to be able to drop their daughter with us if he was stuck for childcare, as they had always done. I should have been clearer to my friend about what I was doing and why, I realized later that she felt I was accepting his truly awful behaviour. Later he continued to be such a dickbag that I stopped talking to him, but I wish I had been clearer w/both of them, during that time. Fortunately my friend and I got through that!
My sister was my rock.. Without her, I am not sure I would be here. She saw it coming and she knew the moment he was to tell me was close and she walked me through it. When he kicked me out of house, I could barely drive to my parents, I had a complete horror attach and had to pull over the whole way, she walked me through it.
She walked me through my shock, was patient when I kept contact, was there when I stopped contact. She gave me validation, fully accepted me as I am and understood and listened endless hours and now endless years.
She, my sister, has gone through it and knew exactly all the stages and steps. She is kind, loyal and loving and I got the full benefit of her and her experience.
When I was further shocked that all the people I loved and helped like she did me, where not there to support me… rather look down on me, she walked me through that.
There may be a lot of demons exposed after Dday but there is always and angel. If you don’t have an angel, be one.
My aunt and sister fielded all the frantic & weepy calls for many months, any hour of the day or night, and always validated my pain.
Daughters were Samanthas–oldest first called X a “sociopath” before I realized it, and youngest cut him off and called him a pedophile by text after she found out he’d had an affair with a 22 year old.
But the Samanthas-with-a-baseball-bat were the (a) mutual friend who said, “Didn’t you know he was an asshole? The rest of us knew he was an asshole.” and the (b) wife of X’s colleague, who gave me the information to help my PI determine whether X’s GF was also an AP (yes, she was), and refused to socialize with Hannibal and new GF, telling him, “we’re still friends with Tempest.”
My number 1 Samantha was my friend BP, who was angrier than I was at times, resetting my dumb-assed chumpness. He also had been cheated on, nothing like a friend who had been through it.
My siblings, cousins and my mom came out as my champion too. I am getting emotional thinking about hit, even being 5 years out from d-day. I teared up reading Samantha’s absolute spot-on clarity on all the indignities you get forced through being cheated on. God fucking damn it that was hard. I took the high road too, and in retrospect it was more than my ex deserved, despite how reliable she could be as a co-parent.
Just read this article – need things like as a reminder when I wonder, is it better to be alone than with someone you know lied and cheated on you. I wonder if its better to have someone to come home to, to wake up next to, to go out with and share experiences with – even knowing that they love you but love themselves more than anything and aren’t always thinking of you. But hey, its better than being alone and searching for Meh or the one you’re truly meant to be with. Right? Either there’s something to that or someone please smack me upside the head.
Samantha – I need you right now. LOL
http://elitedaily.com/dating/okay-cheat-on-me/1063046/
I will be your Samantha right now…Consider this a loving head smack…no, it is not better to stay with a cheater. All those things sound nice but the price is that if you get them with a cheater, they’re fake. They won’t bring you the comfort and companionship you crave. Cuz cognitive dissonance. Cuz congruence with your values. You will know you are paying more than you can afford. You can’t really fool yourself –maybe for a while, but Your heart knows. Your body knows.
Keep moving forward and away from the cheater. It gets better.
Maybe you are asking the wrong questions.
Try these ones instead:
Do I need someone else to make me happy? Why? Why not?
Do I need someone to complete me?
Does every good relationship need to be a romantic one?
Am I ashamed or embarrassed or scared to be on my own? Why?
What needs in my life are not being met right now?
Are they needs? Or are they ‘wants’?
Mighty – Owww. Lol. And thanks for smacking me. You are right. I know you are. It’s just so damn hard sometimes. And Lola. Some toogh questions. Even tougher answers. But thank you
This is what a good friend looks like … I have stared down the barrel of the same gun. And thanks to these questions, the gun blinked first.
Post DD2 (and I pulled the plug on our 17 year marriage), my EX was in hyper image management mode and went out of his way to drive 3 hours to visit my BFF under the guise of visiting her and her new baby. My BFF told me later that my EX was trying to explain his actions by saying “everyone was doing it” (i.e., cheating) so it’s not so terrible. I am so thankful that she did not accept his BS/gaslighting. In fact, my BFF – and the marriage counselor (yes he told her independently) – are among the few people that acted as a Samantha.
Later, I learned that my EX was very open about his cheating and that he made a point of having discussions with many key people in our life telling them that “we were having problems”. However, he never had any conversations with me. I got lies and denial and gaslighting.
Who knows what he told OW#2, friends, family and colleagues to justify his actions — but it was very very important to him that they be on his side. This is what kind of person EX is.
The kind of person my BFF is – well, she’s a much cooler and calmer version of a Samantha and I love her to the moon and back.
I have a few Samathas and a Samuel or two. My Samuels ate my hair stylist and a neighbor down the road. My Samantha, some are from my former Bible study and church friends, but my solid call me text me , no more feeling sorry for him because… has this disease, etc. My kick butt horseback riding Samantha’s are the best! They don’t let up. When I am crying, they are ready to rip him another *sshole and then some. He is a coward. My true friends have nothing to do with him as they want to hurt him. They check on me and they are the ones who say , we have your back. You will not be homeless. We are going to help you with the dog situation as I have three. I am still trying to pack. I got as far as pulling stuff out of the cabinets and I have boxes and packing. I am to take all the furniture, horse pictures and horse things. Time to get ready to move with furniture, boxes and dogs to I have no clue.
Saw, I’m so glad you have friends to help you through this mess.
I had one particular Samantha who urged me to write my cheater a letter and go NC, because she knew I didn’t have the strength to do this in person. She told me unequivocally that he was a “sexual predator” and she couldn’t listen to me detail any more stories about things he did, because it was just too upsetting to her. This was a BIG wake-up call for me. She told me she thought I needed help and support from a group of other people who had experienced this, and from my therapist. And every day I wanted to cave and contact him, she urged me to read the letter I had written to him, and encouraged me that I could do this. My sisters and brother in law also supported me and said he was sick, that I deserved better, and to stay away from him permanently. The horror I saw in the eyes and voices of people who love me, while this made me feel shameful and initially defensive, was what allowed me to eventually understand that this person was bad, toxic, and this was un-fixable. I won’t deny that this was hard at times, that I rebelled and got angry with my Samanthas, but the truth was I needed them. Breaking a friend’s denial is a thankless task at first, and sometimes you lose friendships over it, but I also think it’s true friendship. The friends who hung in with me, I am immensely grateful to.
Postcript: after I left my cheater, one of my friends who urged me to “run!!” found out her partner was cheating and whoring. While she initially stayed with him to “help him with his addiction, it was the right thing to do,” I remained firm on my perspective that I hated this guy, he was a sleaze, that she deserved better, and I declined to have anything to do with the guy again. I told her that while I support HER, I could not see him again or I’d punch him in the face. She was defensive, counter-attacked, etc. but eventually she saw it for herself and LEFT HIS ASS!! So even though it didn’t necessarily make me popular, I knew it was the right thing to do, and our friendship survived. Now we are both recovering chumps. So keep being Samantha CN, it may be hard in the short term but it’s worth it in the long term. Loving someone means telling them the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.
My Samantha knew something was wrong before I was able to tell a soul. I had decided to keep everything to myself until my ducks were in a row legally and until I could tell my children we’d be divorcing. For complicated reasons, I had to put off telling the children for about 4 months, so all that time I was keeping my situation completely secret (except for with my therapist) and I had to keep cancelling social engagements and putting on a brave face.
My friend knew something was wrong and gently let me know she could tell something was wrong. She let me know in no uncertain terms that anything I told her would go no further. I still had a hard time with actually saying what was going on, so she she came right out and asked me if Pinhead was cheating. I couldn’t lie, and I broke down and told her the truth. She listened while I sobbed for a good hour.
And then, and this is the part where I really learned what a real friend is, then she proceeded to check in with me every 2 or 3 days to make sure I was okay. She listened to the same pain and tears over and over, and never made me feel like she was tiring of it. She cried with me and found ways to make me laugh. She called Pinhead every name in the book and encouraged me not to spackle for him and to stay tough. She also reminded me to slow down and stay sane when I started dating again.
She is still my best friend and always will be. I can hardly wait for the day in the near future when, God willing, I get to marry the love of my life and can ask her to be my matron of honor. She has more than earned it.
This one got me right in the feels!
I lost all my long term friends (think small town, grew up here, went away to uni, travel, but came back.) They all love my ex. He’s lovely. Oh, except for the 15 months of fucking another of my ‘friends’ who I grew up with (but lives in a city some hours from here.). He’s articulate. He’s genuinely remorseful. He’s completely disgusted in himself.
I am a thoughtful person who chose friends carefully and kept my circle small. I never thought my picker was off. Until I had to cull the lot. No one understood my agony. No one understood how devastated I was at finding out I had 2 STI’s, despite only ever sleeping with one person. No one understood that I commit totally, and was beyond grief stricken. They all just wanted me to forgive, swallow the shit sandwich and say, “thank you, that was delicious.” I can’t tell you what I would have given to have someone scream at him their anger and disappointment. Even in print.
Geez. My comment was a fucking sad sausage! Sorry team chump! The reality is my darling mother died 17 years ago, very suddenly, and I have no sisters or close female family. My (former, for over 35 years) BFF was ‘there’ for me. She listened a lot for the first few months, BUT, she saw how terribly sorry X was and sympathised. Her comments were along the lines of, yes, he did a bad thing (hmm, over and over and over….) But he isn’t that person. You guys love each other, you’really my couple hero, I don’t want to see you apart. I needed her to RAGE at what he did to my body, my mental health, my fucking life. So no. No immediate Samanthas. I am now at nearly 8 years post Dday, and last year an old friend returned to this country and my life. She also likes X, but is fucking furious at him. She lived with the OW when we were all young. And reported her (multiple) cheating to X (yes, textbook old flame bullshit ‘rekindle’ ugh, don’t even get me started on that channel!) He broke up with her then, BUT NOT IMMEDIATELY. Blamed himself for not being ‘enough.’ My God have we revisited his shit! She disgusts him – yep, so much he kept putting his dick in it. Vom. So when our life got a bit tough, he has a breakdown and fucks his ex – who I was dumb enough to bring back into our lives 25 years later. Face fucking palm.
Anyway, this old friend has been very loyal to me over the past 18 months. Told me she wouldn’t trust herself not to punch the OW if she saw her. Then just last weekend, another old friend and I caught up at an event in a nearby city. She heard about us and expressed her complete disgust and sorrow. I was a little taken aback. This woman had once been close with the OW. I assumed still friends. Nope. She can’t bear her for what she did to my family.
So, two old friends, who live hundreds of miles apart, and from me, in nearly 8 years.
The lesson is, people are fucktards in small towns, and ‘play nice’ with cheaters to retain the social order. No shit, Sherlock!
My sweet mom is my fiercest ally. My other samanthas are my cousin M and brother P who are both chumps. My sister is a cheater unfortunately and remains close friends with our brothers cheating ex wife. This has put a strain on our sibling relationships. My siblings were once very close but no longer speak to each other because of her friendship with his ex. This makes our parents so sad. My mother and i have tried to explain the pain of betrayal to my sister to no avail. She just doesnt get it. She says ” we were freinds before this (cheating, divorce) happened so why shouldnt we stay friends now?” We were once closer but now we seldom speak. Cheating has affected our entire family.
Oh, my! I wish I had a friend like her!
Can you be this friend for someone dear? Samantha just opened my eyes.
I tried to be a of support on a fb group for separated parents. Expats, more precisely. Going through break up in a foreign country, not speaking the language, all by yourself, is a mountain of pain, humiliation and drama. The problem is I don’t know the people, I do feel for them, but after being smeared and ripped to shreds behind my back, I just don’t know…Among them is someone I knew and I realised he’s the cheater!
Some people are doormats and they try to fix their relationship… it takes some wisdom to reach Chump Kingdom.
I want to be someone’s Samantha, but before that, I do not wish the chump hell to anyone.
My best friend is my Samantha as well as my daughter’s mother in law. My friend took a day out of work to be my witness in the event the limited didn’t show up in court. She’s bee there for me since day one.
Switzerland’s always show themselves and it’s refreshing when a Samantha steps up.
When my daughter graduated we went to the ceremony. I saved a seat for my Son in law and his parents. They ended up in another section. Low and behold the Limited and ugwhore were a few rows behind them. Limited introduced ugwhore and mother inlaw ignored both of them with dead eye stare.
Son in law was Seitzerland even though he swore it was a coincidence they sat near them. Right.
What this tells me is thdy she will not make nice to the ABUSERS. Hell yeah to the Samanthas of the world.
My Samantha was the person who I thought was my best friend. She listened and listened and listened. She even got so worried that she called my counselor and expressed her concern. She didn’t talk to Haggar the Whorable, as he was never heard from again after DDay. I started to talk about it less and less and I even apologized for imposing on our friendship during my darkest days. When I did talk to her I wanted to know about her life and not focus on mine. She decided to end a 20 year friendship for not telling her the good things that were now going on in my life and wished me well. I miss her and her friendship, but understand that the friendship was damaged during the nuclear fall out that was my life. What makes this worse is she also wrote my son off who she has known almost his entire life. So, the affects of the cheating arsehole is far reaching.
I’m sorry WAC. I get this. Ask me how I know! I am more philosophical about the friends lost now than I was. They were mostly lifetime friends (I am 50 next year, so looong friendships.) But I now understand that no one can possibly ‘get it’ unless they”ve loved with every inch of their being, trusted 1000% … and been chumped. The layers of damage, utter heartbreak and to-the-core-of-the-earth grief. They just want it to all be okay again. Sunshine and lollipops. I am sorry. It hurts such a lot. Just when you feel you have lost enough!
It’s true, only people who went through this “get it”.
However, the friends we need are healthy people with healthy boundaries. They can support us, be our shoulder for some time, help us with some matters or chores. But there are limits, we cannot expect them to be our pillow indefinitely. It’s not healthy for them and it’s not healthy for us.
We can show them gratitude by first getting on our feet again. Stop being miserable and start living again.
Otherwise we are a bottomless pit. Forever in pain, forever crying, needy. Not healthy!
I agree, Enraged. I recall very clearly telling myself it needed to end. No more discussion, no more crying in front of BFF, a few months in. (I was never a crier much until this, and it embarrassed me anyway!) But, the thing is, these people have seen us at rock bottom, they should know that you don’t ‘just get over it’ and allow your grief to subside naturally. ‘My people’ all wanted everything to just ‘go back to normal’ – be just as it once was. That was impossible.
And the more they insisted on business as usual, even when I was sharing the positives in my life – kids, fitness, getting a degree, topping my department, winning scholarships, winning at work, getting up off the floor and stopping vomiting! – the more I felt abandoned and judged for not being the same person I was before my heart was completely shattered.
Then the disloyalty in continuing contact with the OW, and insisting that my now ex was such a good guy (he mostly is, it was a fuck up of a time, but doesn’t change that he scarred me and left me with a lifetime STI that will require constant monitoring and management, all because he was a selfish fuck for a while) was too much for me. I did not share much of my misery past those first months with anyone except a couple of fellow chumps. But that did not mean I didn’t still FEEL pretty damn miserable. I have fought this for years now, and still haven’t managed to find pure joy or any real peace since. I do keep moving forward, I am in the last few months of my Masters now, and working a 0.5 job, having brought up three really good humans. I practice mindfulness all the time. I felt judged and terribly misunderstood. I understand why – they just didn’t get that there are deep scars left. They didn’t want to see that ugliness, despite the beauty of the patterns left in their partial healing
Enraged, I agree that there needs to be limits. However, when the chump stops talking about the nightmare and starts trying to re-engage in life, it is heart breaking all over again to be kicked by the person that they leaned on. I don’t begin to believe that it was fair to verbally vomit on her for many months, and she couldn’t fix it or me, but she listened. I am grateful that she was there fore me as was my mom. If I could do it over again, I don’t think I would have reached out had I known what the price would be. It is another wound that will scab over and scar over time.
It sure can be hard to reach out to friends in tough situations like this. Many have been cut off because they hated our significant other, there’s the embarrassment, or the fear of being told “I told you so”. Some friends have been lost because they foolishly believed the cheaters or narcissists who called us psychos. Those are the things we DON’T need when the going is rough, and we feel so alone. It’s great to have that person you can laugh with, cry with or just be silent with. Kudos to every Samantha out there that I’m reading about right here. You rock!
http://www.intheknowwithro.blogspot.com
RO, you’re spot on with friends who “foolishly believed the cheaters or narcissists”. I won’t call them foolish (I’ve been one myself), let’s say naive. This naivety will lead them to some dramas of their own, they might actually “get it” in the sense they’ll live through similar experience. Even after decades, they’ll figure it out, they’ll learn to discern between people.
I have several Samantha’s; work friends, my family, some mutual friends. A lot of them have been through this. It upsets me how many people have gone through this same pain!
NoMore.
I have lost the impulse to tell everyone and anyone about my cheater but I do mention it occasionally to friends who don’t know yet or people I like and trust and I am continually surprised at him many have gone through this.
It’s astonishing. I’m glad you have Samantha’s !
?
Several people have helped my kids and me, but one really stands out in this context. My colleague, a scholar on domestic violence, got my kids and me a safe house without me asking for one. Perhaps she saved my life.
Another person who deserves acknowledgment is the first judge to ‘hear’ my divorce case, he gave me approx. 80% physical custody and without my asking, made a stipulation that prohibited either spouse from setting foot in each other’s home. I had no interest in entering STBX’s home, and STBX was stealing stuff from mine, so this was a great move on the judge’s part.
I am fortunate enough to have two Samantha types in my life. First, my sister (who forwarded the article to me earlier this week) has held onto righteous anger for the last six months while STBX squats in the basement guest room. She regularly proclaims that she cannot visit my state (she lives 1.5 hours away in a neighboring state), as she would do something to him so heinous that she would be brought up on felony charges. Whenever I start to fall back into chumpdom, she pulls me out by my hair. My second Samantha is my best friend, who dropped her cheater 5 years ago. At the time, I thought I was being a good friend by telling her how strong she was and trying to calm her down when her anger bubbled over. Now I understand why she pulled away from me for a while and turned to other friends who were better equipped to support her. When my cheater dropped the mask, she gave me her lawyer’s number and gave me a key to her house. She calls me out when I try to justify chumpy behavior, and reminds me regularly of the day I showed up at her house full of angry tears and a determination to remove him from my life. With the two of them on either side of me, I manage to stay afloat, and am poised to launch into my new, happy life once I finally manage to peel him off of my back.
I didn’t have a Samantha and I really could have used one.
I tried to be a Samantha to a co-worker after she finally decided to leave her husband. She did not want or need that because her cheater is not a monster, he made mistakes, but he’s not a monster. I come to find out when our boss decided that he was going to groom his secretary, now there was a primer that I didn’t need to see, co-worker was a cheater apologist. I guess it takes all kinds.
Flutterby
There are some sad excuses for human beings in the world that is for sure. But we are not them. And once you have been through this cheater shit it changes the way you see people and what you expect from them. I’m even struggling at the moment with singers or actors who are cheats. It tends to taint everything at the moment.
Capricorn, how about movie directors?
I don’t want to see A SINGLE movie by woody monster allen. I won’t even say what I think of actors who played in those movies, no matter how great opportunities those might have been.
Capricorn, it does taint everything, but in a positive respect. Now you can see narcs and cheater apologists, Switzerland “friends” and just “regular people” who don’t have a clue or empathy, clearly. There are some situations, like my livelihood that are affected by cheaters and their ilk, but nobody said that life was fair.
Absolutely.
I grew up in a small university town. Cheating happened and gossip outed them. When I was a teenager, I had a doctors appointment, and due to a mix up was scheduled to see not my regular doctor but her cheater partner. When the nurse told me who I would be seeing, I left the office rather than be seen by this guy. My family still laughs.
What CL has shown me it to trust my gut, and that I was right in assuming that being a cheater doesn’t make a statement about your relationship, it makes a statement about your character. Cheaters aren’t good people. They might sometimes do good things (usually self serving), but they are NOT good people. Period. And, as several people commented, you are automatically NOT a good parent if you cheat. You are cheating on your children too.
When my wife accidently fell on to the genitals of my cousin, my best friend was an invaluable source throughout while I went through Chump bootcamp.
I remember that he often would calmly impart the truth to me when I was too lost in Chump haze. I would stand there, leaning towards my car, one hand on the car, one hand on my stomach in pure agony.
So, my mind and heart was lost in Chump Purgatory but my body was screaming the truth to me. You know, the cheater victim diet, etc.
i wanted a Samantha so badly but she never showed up.
because..
i needed to become her.
I am so lucky to have several Samanthas – All of my dear friends stuck by me through it all – they were supportive during the year it took me to figure it out (not very good attempt at wreck-conciliation) and then were very, very supportive when I finally pulled the plug. I even had a married friend lend me her husband for a Ball I had to attend so I could have a dance partner. My friends, along with my mom, my sister, my boys, my entire town, kept me sane, busy, and feeling very loved through it all. And I would do the same for every one of them.
THAT is fantastic.
You just have to show up for yourself and be your own Samantha.
Just yesterday, my Samantha just sent me Venmo’d me $40 that she made from selling a small generator the Xhole lent her in the aftermath of hurricane Sandy and forgot about. She sold it on Craig’s list and sent me all the profit because, as she put it, “[I] put up with that shit and the least I should get it $40.” I decided that the $40 will go towards wine and chocolate for our next friend-date (we have these every one to two months with another close friend from college). What makes this even more special is that while my friendships span nearly two decades, the Xhole has never had real friends and never will! 🙂
Just picked up on the typos… ooooppppsss….
Ah, my Samantha’s/Samuel’s. Where to start- Stbx’s best friend from high school and our best man, had been trying forever to get hold of Stbx to no avail. He got hold of me thru Facebook and when I told him, he immediately got angry on my behalf and told me he was done trying to contact x. He calls me to check in and see what I need, even with his own wife battling cancer, he’s that great a guy!
Another friend of Stbx (almost brothers) and his wife invited me out for New Years Eve the first year after separation and still let me vent or offer advice whenever I need. Stbx has contacted them only once in 2 years. Friend and wife are very religious and told Stbx that they were NOT going to meet his girlfriend. So, Stbx has dropped another friendship since they don’t “get him”
Two fabulous, wonderful, kickass friends that would run him over with their trucks if they saw him. They all work in the same office complex. One saw him in the office building coffee shop and Stbx tried to play it off like it was a mutual decision-grew apart-blah, blah,blah. She eviserated him in front of a packed shop at full volume. LOVE HER!
And Chump Lady and Chump Nation. Reading your stories, laughing and crying with you all had kept me alive. (Hugs)
My Samantha said to me post DD, “I’ll understand if you go back to him, I’ll think you’re an idiot, but I’ll always support you.”
I’m so blessed to have her in my life, she’s always had my back.
For the record, I didn’t go back, but 9 months out, when he lays on the charm I still waiver.
I had a lot of friends and family who stood up in unison and got angry. Rage-y. Furious. Offered to fly across the country and retrieve my car for me and punch him in the face mad. But the friend who was my angel is a colleague-turned-acquaintance-turned-casual friend who became one of my best friends in the aftermath of ex’s affair. He and his wife are a unicorn couple (she cheated). After D-day, he was the most skeptical of unicorns of anyone in my life, because he knew what it took from both parties. He knew my ex wasn’t exhibiting unicorn characteristics. Every time my ex pulled some new shit or did something confusing (like prodding me to pick-me dance), my friend said “No, that’s now how this goes. HE needs to make things right with YOU.”
We even went to their house, and my friend and his wife spent two hours talking to him to try to help him through reconciliation (while I hung out with the kids). Afterward, they both told me that he’s a lost cause. He’s not in it, he’s not taking responsibility, he doesn’t want to do the work, he’s more concerned about his image than he is about you. And there was absolutely NO WAY that I could spackle over what they had to say, because when a UNICORN tells you it’s hopeless, there’s just no way around it. And they were right. I didn’t know at the time that he was still with the OW, because I was still stupid enough to believe him when he said it was over.
That was the last time I entertained his bullshit. After that, I told him it was over. I wasn’t sure how much I meant it at the time, and (a big) part of me hoped that he would realize the magnitude of his loss and straighten up. But he didn’t, and even though I continued to rage and cry and beg him to get his shit together, I held firm to my position. Once he realized I wasn’t going to dance or hand out any more kibbles, he made zero further attempts to reconcile or even be a fucking decent man.
I am so grateful to my unicorn friend for helping me navigate through the shit storm. Even when everyone else was tired of hearing me complain or cry or even just talk about it, he was always sympathetic to me, and always had colorful words for my ex. He still does, almost 3 years later. Chump Lady and my unicorn friend are what kept me rooted in reality, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
The married ho-worker’s name is Samantha. Haha
So yes, I definitely had a Samantha.
I also had a Soky that always listened.
That is an unfortunate coincidence. ?
I’ve had a number of great people like this. While I didn’t know it they had no problem accepting the fact that my ex is a piece of shit, because they never really liked him. My favorite though, was my mother. She had come to take me to a medical procedure. We were getting ready to leave and she walked into the driveway to start the car. At the same time my ex pulled up in his new Cadillac. (I drive a 2008 Rogue that looks like people have been playing bumper cars with it). She said to him “nice car”. He smiled and accepted the compliment, saying “Thanks!”. She followed up with “your wife drives a piece of shit you know”. His head dropped an he slunk off like the dirty dog he is. Thanks Mom!
Samanthas.
May we know them,
May we be them,
May we raise (support) them.
(Originally written as “strong women,” but this works too.)
I had two Samanthas…
One was the friend who sat across from one day at drinks, sucked up her courage and told me what was what. A friend of ExH worked with her Hubs and they were all at the company Xmas party. Apparently he stumbled up to her and said “What’s the deal with CAGal and ExH? I asked him why he doesn’t just get rid of her. He said he doesn’t want to give her half.” Now keep in mind that I had asked ExH exactly that… “Have you seen a lawyer decided it’s cheaper to keep her.” He said no… he loves me and wants me in his life and I’m so special. I made a half-hearted attempt to spackle and Girlfriend was like ” Honey… just no.” I looked at her and said “I gotta get divorced”. She said “Yep, you gotta get divorced.” She took a chance that I would be mad, or not listen to her or reject her friendship… and if she hadn’t I might still be stuck. She didn’t need to do that, but she did and I am really grateful.
The other was my sister-in-law (my brother’s wife), K. She had been asking me why I stayed and was giving me gentle nudges, but was kind and understanding. We have known each other a long time and over the years there has been some eye-rolling a sighing on both sides. But when I finally made the decision and told my family, K was my rock. She was like “Ok great, let’s get you divorced.” She live literally all the way across the country from me, but she checked in, she appreciated the insanity of what I was finding (because it’s that whole once you start digging, you find all kinds of crazy shit we all know so well), and just kept me going forward. She reassured me I would be happier once I was free. Heck the one day I got into his phone and saw some texts between ExH and his Whore I had a little freak out. But I was soooooo close to having every thing in place to file. I texted her and was like “Fuck it, I’m doing it now”… she’s like “No way man. You have a plan, it’s a good plan, stick to the plan. call me, go to the gym, go to the movies, I don’t care, but you need to stick to the plan.” And she was right… I went to the gym, I made myself scarce the rest of the weekend, I calmly filed less than two weeks later after cleaning out my half of the financial accounts and locking down my credit.
I said at one point I HAD to file because it would be such a let down to her to have invested so much in the process and then have me back out.
I can’t say I had anyone like that. My brother was very supportive and angry for me, but I could tell that after awhile, he got tired of me being a drag. And because he has no children and is not a “kids kinda guy,” he simply doesn’t understand the profound pain of abruptly missing half of your young children’s lives. So I’ve had to rely on myself and stop talking about “it” with him. And I’m proud of myself. But I wish I did have someone so close. (Both my parents are gone.) In any case, I know now that I can rely on myself to get through anything.
I have to admit, I don’t understand how adult male friendships work. STBX doesn’t have any real friends besides his best friend from college (who also turned out to be a cheater). One of the reasons he cited for keeping in contact with multiple affair partners was that he didn’t have any close friends who understood what he was going through. ?
I am not trying to be condescending when I say that I feel sorry for male chumps – their friendships have probably already been diminished or destroyed by the cheater, and there is a lot of pressure to just tough it out alone.
I am glad there are men in CN. Glad that they have found support here, and glad that they are a reminder that there are a lot of really good men out there.
I had about four friends and my parents who saw me through. My parents are in their 80’s. They absolutely hate my STBX and what he did to their daughter. My friends got it and him for the most part. I shared his emails and texts and some of his voice mails. They know what a lying asshole and not to be trusted person he has become. I could tell though when my friends had heard enough. And this last month I have not shared as much with only but parents and two friends.
I am trying really hard 9 months post DDAY to focus on the good in my life and what others are doing. Yes, it totally sucks he blew up our family but I still am very blessed in life and I will go forward! My parents though have seen me at my worst and it broke their hearts. Sometimes they say God kept them around to be there for me. Cheater pants actually verbally abused my 84 year old dad and of course blamed it on my dad. Because cheater blame shift. Gosh was an asshole he is. Just. An. Asshole.
I had two types of Samanthas: the ones that listened to my craziness day in and day out. The ones that were there for me every time the cheater broke my heart and tore me down. Then there were the “Sam’s”, the cheater’s friends who became my friends over the course of 17 years. These were the friends who stepped up and reminded him of what he was giving up. He lied to them while he lied to me, fearing they’d blow his cover. So when I broke it to them that he was cheating they were as floored as me. He betrayed so many people. People who have been my rock and my foundation moving forward.
And my dad. He was my biggest Samantha. The day I gave birth to our baby girl, my cheater went to shake my dads hand and my dad flat out told him “Hey. I’m not going to shake your hand. ” And walked right past him, looking onward to his newborn granddaughter.
What a fabulous Dad you have – I’m pea green!
After D-Day, I discovered I had many Sams/Samanthas in my corner… my family, acquaintances at church, work colleagues, people who’d been our mutual friends for 40 years and chose to shun him and side with me, some of Asshat’s own relatives, and even his BFF of 20 years turned out to be one of my Sams/Samanthas. Somewhere along the line, Asshat must have figured out that his world was suddenly a lot smaller than it used to be, but of course, as a total narc, he acted as if he couldn’t care less and he’d been the one who walked away from everyone. After all, he had his married coworker/whore by his side, so everything was right with his world.
My stbx did the same- he accused his friends of betrayal and made brand new friends with his co workers who, incidentally all hate me… Even though they have no idea who I am. He literally changed his very being, cleaning his slate and starting over- neglecting his friends, and family (both relatives and marital). It’s like he replaced his friends, with co workers, and replaced me with some shmoopie and her kid.
He doesn’t see walking out on me as abandoning his son because he visited him a few times a week; but judging by his reaction, I’m sure our son would beg to differ.
I had a friend from high school who lives more than a thousand miles away. When my D-day came he shared his with me. It was the first “you are not alone” moment. He checked on me every day, multiple times a day. When I could not breathe he reminded me to keep trying. When I had no more tears left he said it was OK. When I filed for divorce he cheered me on. When I changed the locks after Narkles the Clown left the house he sent a house rewarding gift. I thank the world daily for his existence.
A question for CN that has been eating at me for weeks, and now I have a chance for wisdom.
My XH’s 85 year old aunt was always kind to me. She calls me “Her Beauty”. She never condoned his actions. She never defended him. She would just say things like, You are too good to waste your time on him. This was in response to my venting, crying and hysterical.
She wants to see me. We are no blood relation. However, she still calls my XH. She checks on him. I am not sure why a disordered bully 50 year needs mothering but there it is. She tracks him down and wants to know about his life. He treats her with irritation and does nothing for her.
She never subjects me to the details. She never insults me. Opposite. She never tries to hurt me.
But- I believe she is betraying me by being in his life. She increasingly asks me to come visit her. I even made her a sugar free cake, (she is diabetic) but I cannot get past this.
Isn’t she betraying me by being so loyal to her nephew who ruined my life? It feels like I would be taking a cake to an ally of someone who robbed, raped and beat me.
Emphasis, she has never been unkind to me. But, what do I say? Hey, what’s up? So, my life is ruined, your nephew devastated me, want a slice of sugar free cake?
Clara I don’t think it would be reasonable to expect the aunt to cut her own blood relative from her life, although I wonder why she bothers keeping in touch if he isn’t interested. I am still in touch with in-laws including XH’s grandmother, aunts, uncles, sister and parents. As long as we don’t discuss XH and the new wife I’m OK with it. I knew these people for 25 years, like most of them and want my boys to stay in touch with their extended family. I know they don’t like what XH did (many of them told me so), but I would never expect them to cut him off. Maybe decide for yourself if you like this woman enough to want to stay in touch.
Vastra, thank you for taking the time. Yes, that was my gut. That I was being too hard on her. It is morbidly fascinating to watch how he manipulates all women. He uses her, comes over to do his laundry, makes coffee at her home, never replenishes the supplies and leaves. He gives her a quick hug and then disappears for weeks. He ignores her calls. But, when he needs something, he seeks her out and she hangs on his every word.
I don’t think I can keep my venom from showing. It is just a no win situation. I have thought about writing her a letter and telling her the truth. That seeing her is too triggering, and even though I know he is her nephew, I feel odd being in a friendship with her after all of the staggering things he did to me. I can’t do it. It is not her fault, but at this stage, I have to protect my own precarious mindset.
Our friendship (the aunt and me )simply cannot survive his actions. It may be petty on my part, but he was too demonic for me to smile at a person who pretends he is just scamp. A puppy who tears up a shoe. Not a life killer. The end of the relationship with her is yet another casualty of the disordered’s reign of terror.
I would stay friendly, yet somewhat distant. I wouldn’t go to see her. I’d be afraid I’d be there and it would turn out to be laundry day for the ex. Nope nope nope…
Pear, Amen. I can’t risk it. I have come too far. And, what if she slips up and says something about the OW, anything remotely positive? I don’t think she would. But people are strange. She continues to be used by my XH, an eager victim. Like he is a mischeivous kitten, not a soulless liar.
What I really want to say is: You are depressed and lonely? Call my XH. This is not kind, but I have barely escaped with my sanity. I have to protect it. No one else will.
You need to protect yourself first and foremost.
I was very close to my sister in law. Closer to her than STBX ever was. I arranged visits, kept her apprised about how everyone was doing, bought Xmas and birthday gifts. After DDay, she asked what had happened and I told her. She said all the right things to me but in no way held him accountable. Did I expect her to chose me over him? Not necessarily, but if she wanted to maintain any kind of relationship with me I expected her to at least call him on his bullshit. When she couldn’t or wouldn’t do that, our friendship was over. I mourned the loss of that friendship. I find that the loss is mitigated by the fact that I no longer have to worry about it.
That’s it! I know his Aunt does not call him on his bullshit. She commiserates with me but it is quite tepid. She thinks sending me sappy photos of flowers and sunrises somehow helps.
I don’t want to be militant, but at this level of treason, you are either with me or against me. Bloodlines be damned.
I have many Samantha’s in my life that have stood the test of time and have been #TeamMolly from the jump!!!
I am saluting and raising my glass to my girls!!! Too many to list here, but I will definitely pay it forward if I ever get the chance
I’ve got a few Samanthas who raged about what a prick XH was and now ignore him (despite having been mutual friends for years). But one “Samantha act” that surprised me was from our former babysitter, who was working temporarily as a ward clerk at the hospital where XH is head of his surgical department. Ex greeted her at work and despite their difference in status she blasted him and said she didn’t care how important and powerful he was, she was disgusted by his behaviour abandoning his family and regarded him as scum!
I was incredibly blessed with Sam/Samantha’s! My cheater had no one but his fake ass Schmoopie! My FIL and his siblings which included their children shunned him totally. My FIL took him out of his Will and called me to tell me. My parents have been gone for years now, but his family stayed firmly in my camp! My sisters were great and my BIL. They drove 12 hours to stay with me during the shock and awe stage. My sister lent me the money to hire my kick ass lawyer. My daughter in law who was previously married to a cheating asshole helped me to get it together and stay no contact with asshole! She was invaluable! When Mr. Sparkles was finally diagnosed with pancreatic cancer his Schmoopie was desperately trying to reach my adult kids for help. They flatly refused to come to his or her aid as long as she was in the picture. They reminded her that she pursued him with absolutely no shame and whatever problems she or he had, it was now her responsibility! My kids were great! I had so many relatives and family firmly in my corner and I was so lucky! Thank God for them all!
Hi
It’s me back for a sheepish update on my fucked up life, well was mighty and doing fine over Xmas than bam ‘maybe all the effort’ could be put into us trying or hardest to be good to each other again, ok why not.
Bit of background, partner of 13 years has been having on line affair with German Hoebag for a year, swore it was not physical and they used to Skype about highbrow shit like photography etc, this of course is a half truth, anyways back together for three weeks and things are rocking, best sex ever, deep connection, getting along really well like years ago before the stresses of family life took their toll. He swears up and down he loves me and the boys and wants to be a family and I quote ‘live a holsome life filled with peace.
Aussie day fireworks are on and I’m watching with the kids. I love fireworks, he is working and spending the time watching them with client and videoing them for German Hoe. I get a txt screen shot of her We Chat profile and a message saying. I found you on this so should be ok to contact you again in a few weeks’ send to me by mistake.
God damn gutted, I gave my broken heart back to this guy for another chance and this is what I get followed by more lies to cover it up and a v mail telling me that the petty argument we had about the dishes had made him think’fuck it I’m going to get back in touch with her’ this after 2 weeks of serious bliss and progress for our family, kids thrilled you know the story, anyway a week out and I’m still here having fucked up dreams that I don’t know everything yet. Anyway this morning while looking at his phone which he allowed I find her google profile and their 900 plus photo history and guess what people, I am so dumb, she had been to this beautiful part of Aus and he took her to all our favourite beaches and spots oh and fucked her at least three times in her hotel room down there, wow lots of photos I did see.
So off we go again I called friends over and chucked him out never ever to fucking return, managed a good punch in the ribs to him and a slap to the back of the head whilst screaming get the fuck out and did you orgasm together like we do, threw in for good measure that he will never fuck me again, we had pretty good sex.
So that’s that and need hard NC from here on in.
A few months ago was warming me up for the truth, unreal, disordered sums it up.
Need support, have keys back , blocked emails etc and gave police heads up as he has harassed me drunk before he got sober. Like the councillor said he swapped alcohol for affairs, hits the same pleasure buttons. Anyways he’s a class A fuck up.
Please tips to stay sane. I want nothing to do with him but need you experienced people to guide me through the pain. I know this is a blessing in disguise as I have been abused by this POS for a long time trying to help him with his problems which all turn out to be mindfucks now.
Just concentrate on this fact : He is very comfortable lying to you. This will be about everything.
As quickly as possible get 50% of the money transferred from any joint accounts. Get all paperwork in the house copied.
He knows the game is up.
You were his back up plan and he will not like reality when he clocks that has gone.
Get organised quickly. Any time you feel nostalgic quickly go out, walk dog, go to gym, rant at friend, watch a film.
Do NOT talk to him- ever. Giant mistake.
I sorted my affairs out a few months ago when I first kicked him. No money to split unfortunately. I’m paying the mortgage with the child support he is paying. I never cancelled it thank god when he came back for our brief make over.
He made noises to my friend that he was going to bank on Monday to get his name off the mortgage. This is not possible as I would need to refinance and am currently not in a position to do so.
No equity in the home we purchased 1.5 years ago.
He has no money just personnel debt and will in all likelihood take stress leave and go bleed off his folks.
Burnt with zero desire to contact his pathetic ass.
He throws away a life with two amazing kids, partner who if I don’t mind saying looks pretty damn good at 42, nice big house near beach, oh and yeah I have a good job and know how to get shit done, his loss.
Need to regain the mighty me that backpacked around the world on her own in her twenties for 4 years and go kick some ass.
I said to him a few days ago that I was waiting for devine intervention to bring me the truth.
Upon ringing my dear Mum this afternoon I find out yesterday was the 12 anniversary of my wonderful Grandmas passing. I think she sent me this info.
Lady, one hard lesson I have learned and you asked for tips to stay sane- They simply do not think like us. You mentioned all he lost: pretty wife, nice house, you are efficient, good job.
They do not value these things. It took me a long time to get my arms around that. If I compared myself to the OW my XH cheated with and listed it for you, you would label me a pathological liar. That is how huge it is. He is with someone who is homeless. She has to sleep with men or hustle to have a place to live. She has no car. She has no job. She lost her children due to something shady regarding child abuse. I don’t know the facts, just that they are out of her custody. She had 3. She is not even 30 years old. Her mother posts frantic pleas on FB for a place to park her camper, that she lives in.
And, it is not me being catty, she is just not pretty, cute, attractive. She is a shovel faced troll. I would almost have some type of understanding if she was a Sport Illustrated Model. She is repulsive.
I get the disbelief. It is incomprehensible. It is absurd. It makes you want to sleep for weeks.
You are thinking: Isn’t he bereft at what he lost? But, if he had ever valued it at all, he would have shut down any communications with the German Hoe, period.
That can keep you on the right path. You might feel an itch to give him another chance. So, when you feel that tickle, remember he held you in his mind, knew what he had, and made the deliberate choice to jeopardize, to shit all over it. That hurts, but it will hurt more if you keep going around him. I found that the more chances you give them, they lose even more respect for you, and they get more vicious.
You can list all your sensational attributes. Did not matter to him. How do you stay sane? Get mad. That angry will power you through any lapses in judgment about having a talk or trying to analyze with him why he did it. He did it because he wanted to, he did not value your marriage and he did not care if he lost you. Treat him as your enemy. Someone who thought of you as a joke. Not worth protecting or valuing.
Whatever things bring you joy, focus on these things. It truly is about getting the focus back on you. Stop obsessing over him and the German Hoe. It will not help you in anyway. It is pointless.
Clara thank you.
Just the 900 photos are still fresh in my mind from this morning.
My councillor says he is disordered. I know he doesn’t think like a normal person and takes on the values of the people around him.
He does not respect me or hold our family in high regard and there is no point trying to unravel the fucked up because basically the rules of logic don’t apply to these idiots.
I sum it up that truth is relative to them and they don’t think they have to follow the rules that decent people follow.
I need to make every small descision count and in the moments of weakness realise it will pass and I will be happier in the long run. No contact needs to be my be all and end all.
I know the fat lady has sung and the damage is well and truly done.
I think they will take your name down for you. I am sorry, Sarah, you are in this miserable club. I am so with you. I am standing with you, holding your hand.
It is truly one of the worst experiences of life. We can “get relative”, yes having cancer, HIV is a nightmare. But this is a specific hell.
Today, never forget this is no reflection on your worth, your beauty, your awesomeness. The other day I googled “beautiful women who have been cheated on”. It was astonishing. It is not us. It is them. When love rises up in your heart, because we are chumps, beat it down with those 900 photos of those two imbeciles.
You may need them for court purposes, so put them on a flash drive. And then put them in a bank safety box or someone you can trust. But don’t study them. I know when I pain shopped and looked at photos of the two on FB, this would send me spiraling. Now is the time to treat yourself with gingerly care. You have been through life trauma. Become selfish. Get a massage, buy a piece of jewelry, or some new make up. It sounds hokey but it helps.
Last night, even after all of the betrayals, I wanted to write my XH a letter. I realized, he does not feel he need to reach out to me. Why am I pouring my heart out to him?
Imagine someone who knew his actions would devastate you and did them anyway. Respond in kind.
Another tip to stay sane is to read on this website. When you read CL’s insights, it shows you that these morons are all the same. This is not some exotic activity. Just what assholes have been doing for centuries. None of them are particularly special. Just assholes. All the posters are incredibly well spoken and insightful. Get a journal and write down helpful tips. Take each day. Tomorrow will come. Just worry about today.
Hold tight to this. I don’t believe in karma, but I do believe in character. I think these motherf*cker’s characters come back and bite them, every time. What have you always wanted to do? Start a business? Get a degree advanced? See Nepal? Then, today, take one small step toward that goal. Then do something for you. Take a walk. Organize a closet. Read a good book. See a film.
When I would read Put the Focus on YOU, I was reading it, but I was not getting it. Then, I started doing it. The pain lesses. You have to change your focus from the clusterfuck that they have created. Let them have it. That’s it, Sarah- let them have the mess they created. You do not deserve to be lied to and gas lighted and abused. Let them wallow in their shit pool. Laugh at them. They are clowns. Sneaking around like turds, playing games like sneaky snakes. Good luck with that foolish, underground, disordered lifestyle . FUCK ‘EM!!!!
SWAK, and a big Hug.
Clara
Thanks Clare
The photos I saw were on his phone so no record for me thankfully, he’s lucky I didn’t smash his phone!
We are not married so no evidence needed. Got suck hole email today in fact here it is for your viewing pleasure why the fuck not!
‘ have a safe place to stay at Anne’s house, she’s happy to help me
I won’t apologise again as there’s nothing I can say
I was prepared to take that to my grave, and get along being an honest reliable partner and dad
Too much is Brocken and too much was wrong with our relationship, it was wrong for me to look elsewhere, and then act on it
Katja is staying with husband and is happy
I will probably have great difficulty being in intimate relationship again!after all this
I need to learn to love and trust myself and be as strong as I can to the boys
I will have a house with a fortnight or two, I would appreciate it if I could have the bed I bought .
I understand if u won’t allow this, I don’t have my beach towels or anything either .
I’m sorry for hurting u and breaking your heart, all I can say is sorry and that my heart is Brocken too
And I really thought I could bury this leave it behind and move on with u
U are right live in the light , the truth and honesty
And being honest there were so many things wrong in our relationship, I felt so on the outside and forever having to repair or make amends for my past.
I wish u all the strength , love and endurance to make it through this extremely hard time we will all go through now
I will never put up with violence, arguing for arguing sake and mis communication again
I may be alone for some time
I ask that there is no violence sent toward me!
This will prove nothing and worsen the condition between seeing the boys
They love me, no matter what I’ve done
It’s all turned sour anyhow I’m alone and homeless, and in debt!,
That should be enough revenge for your father and brother and I’m sure as caring as your mum is she will see both sides in this
Please don’t harass my mother, she doesn’t need it!its heartbreaking enough for her!
She’s worried about the kids, like I am .
I’m sure most of this will not even get an eye in
We both need to see the pain in our own lives and heal… I see that pain in you Lady Batshit , and was always up until this infidelity yours and there for you to talk to me!!
I have done too much and made all the bad mistakes for my ego and selfishness, I’m fully aware of this and only hope u may heal in time and find love
It will kill me again!, but that’s karma, u are a great woman and a great mother , be all that forever’
For the record I phoned his mum and told her the truth because she was not going to get it from him, no harassment.
Anyways I give this pile of shit the middle finger and anything he could do to try and make amends would make zero difference. Adios losers!
Wow, Lady Batshit–that is as fine a pastiche of sad sausage, false equivalencies, sorry-not-sorry, I-was-justified, poor-wittle-me mindfuckery as can fit in 25 lines.
I’m sure it must have hurt to receive that, but the farther out from the relationship you get, you’ll start to feel a huge sense of relief that you escaped it, and will see his ramblings for the nonsensical attempt at rationalization that it is.
Thank you yes rationalisations indeed.
Crazy making ramblings all the way, our relationship was a verbal barrage of this cobbled together crap with heavy doses of subject changing and bbb, bullshit baffles brains.
God give me the strength.
He clearly shows who he is in this email! Sorry- not -sorry! See ya!!
Sorry posted my own name above,
Not surprised that your spouse affaired down. This is usually the case. They want to save the “dumsel in distress”! My Ex’s Schmoopie was supposedly the poor little rich wife in the beautiful beach home who was being abused. She simply was unable to find the front door and leave. Only problem with her story was the fact that her husband was gone all but four days out of the month! Her kids were grown and while he was gone she was traveling from hotel room to hotel room with my Ex and spending tons of time in my small town (which is NOT in her home state!) Don’t even get me started on her looks!!!! I’m pretty sure she thought she was cute, but please bitch, you are an ugly 50 something with a ton of makeup on! We know it’s not about looks, just availability. Our cheaters find a willing, stupid f**kbuddy and off they go! Sickening, but true. Let him have her, he will soon tire of her and trust me, be back at your door!
^^^
This woman speaks the truth!!! Let them wallow in their cess pool.
Bye Felicia and Felix. Good luck with the relationship with people who are both pathological liars. I am sure that is going to have a happy ending.
My “Samantha” was my SIL. She hung in there for the duration. Even during divorce court she showed up to face off against my MIL and FIL. She had cut the MIL and FIL out of her marriage and home years ago. My children were up there as number one supports also. I lost a few distant friends , but nothing serious.
I was helping a friend through her separation for 10 months now. Her significant other caught me helping her about 3 wks ago by getting ahold of her IPAD. For the last 2 wks I have heard “crickets” from her. I’m thinking he demanded “no contact” with me. I guess sometimes the price of holding out your hand to help a fellow “Chump” see the light Did I give enough information and advice to break the bond or is she sprinkling “unicorn dust” to keep things going? Did I loose the friendship with both to help the partner in a domestic violence situation? Is he now cutting off her support structure? I guess only time will tell the story now. My mother would tell me to go through life, “minding my own business.” I guess I look at it as lots of spouses/ children would be alive today if someone would speak up and act on seeing abuse.
I’m so sorry to hear that! Yes, it definitely sounds like he’s demanding no contact. Just let her know that you’re there for her and always will be.
How amazing that your SIL came out to bat for you!
I lost all of our “mutual friends” in our divorce, which has been a great blessing. They were more his friends anyway, not ones I would have chosen. It really hurt at the time, but I’m thankful for it now.
I just got back from the grocery store, where a cashier told me he’d heard my ex went off the deep end and was a major drug addict. Blissful affirmation! It’s so wonderful that people are finally starting to see his true colors, and that I wasn’t just “making this stuff up”, as he claimed.
To all you chumps out there whose ex’s had the world fooled- the truth WILL come out! Without you there to polish the turd their facade will collapse quickly.
Now, just waiting for the courts to catch on… I know they will… I know they will…
Ahh Clare yours was addicted to drugs also. My X was addicted to OxyContin, Vicodin, weed and alcohol. They are expert at covering their addictions and depend on their spouses to cover their mistakes and take care of home , kids , and pay the bills. My X had 30 grand in debt to Internet pill doctors. I felt so embarrassed when the FEDs knocked on our door and took him away. The FEDs took accounts, vehicles, cash on hand and all my hunting guns when they took him. They knew I had no clue and didn’t even question me. I guess that’s what penalty I had to pay for “blind trust” of my spouse. I spent a yr in the courts just getting back my property
I lived in a small community and his arrest spread over our local paper. I had to handle the fallout. It was so bad I put our home on the market and moved to another state. His parents blamed me for him being addicted. He is still using and we’ve been divorced for 5 yrs now. They always show their “True Colors”. I am also waiting for the Law to jump on him again also.
My Samantha was Chump Lady.
Especially the barb wire monkey essay.
That essay made me understand.
Real life friends found my devastation a bit much, but I think you have to be betrayed to get it.
PS and I didn’t know about narcissism and cluster Bs and I lived it, so how were they supposed to know? They were as supportive as they could be and that was good.
I had two Samantha’s. One at work and my sister. Both listened to me (ad nauseam) around dday. Both had my back, yet often visibly cringed when I tried valiantly at wreckconciliation and both breathed a heavy sigh of relief when I finally came to my senses and dumped the loser. My “at work Samantha” doesn’t work with me anymore but we have kept in touch.
During the first year I was divorced, weekends were tremendously hard for me. My sister realized this and gave me an open invitation to pretty much spend every weekend at her place. I didn’t go every weekend but I definitely took her up on the offer at least once a month. It gave me something to look forward to and it was tremendously healing.
I don’t know what I would’ve done without the both of them.
In addition to those two Samantha’s I’ve met some chump Samantha’s/Sam’s the past couple of years at chump meet ups. Those meetups have gone a long way in contributing to my healing as well. Hail to all the Samantha’s/Sams of the world!
I had 3 Samantha’s. I will never forget that they had my back when I needed it most. I will always be grateful.
I also had numerous Switzerland friends that I’ve since cut from my life and am all the happier for it.
Go Samanthas!
I have one friend who has been Samantha-esque, but it is very hard for people who have not been in this spot to truly understand it. What I have wished is that someone–anyone–would say these things to his face and he would really understand them, at last, but I recognize that as the chumpion dream it is. He will never face it, never get it, never care. If he were the kind of person who could, then none of this would ever have happened. I think, ultimately, we have to have an inner Samantha. What has truly kept me going here, through all of the devastation, is the deep-down knowledge that nothing on God’s green earth or beyond could ever get me to go back. No, no, no. My faith in the suck is unshakable. I’m truly glad to find this site. Finally, a place that does not expect me to do a post-mortem on myself to discover all of the supposed flaws that tortured the poor soul into this. Finally, frank discussion not focused on trying to get me to heal his wounds, burn off his fog, empathize with his supposed love for the mistress, and magically repair things. Not willing to do that. “I will screw around with whoever the hell I want whenever you fail to meet my every spoken, unspoken whimsical, and ever-changing need” is obviously an unreasonable condition for a relationship. I would crawl miles through broken glass on bare knees before going back. Still feeling a bit like I’ve been hit by a truck–this deal sucks so hard, as you all know–but the relief is as palpable as the pain, and is getting stronger day-by-day.
I can relate to this apparently I needed to do work on my side of things, yes ok , to make our relationship equal, umm sorry the scale is tipped to one side and your fucked up shit is weighing it down not mine.
Everything I did was wrong I didnt communicate that’s why he went there. I communicate and I’m too angry. My pain was held against me. My family was slagged off daily,
Blew up yesterday after I found out EA was a PA and saw 900 photos, threw his ass out pronto, his parting words which were few ‘ you need to recognise your part in this and why I did it’
Guess what fuckwit I don’t have the time or energy to give, you soul sucking freak.
Good luck with your married plastic titted gf how lives os, fucks.
My kids according to him will one day know the truth, they already know it from me, he’s a lying deceiving asshole and was trying to mold me into her, in the pics as a gift he gave her the same hat he gave me, took her to all the places we go with our kids and during our brief wreckonciliation he suggesting going out to a cafe on a date, the same one he took her to before shagging her, class all class.
Cluster b all the way.
I have seen the dark side and think he mocked me and it was a mind fucking game as he played me for a fool. No more moving to mighty slowly. Cheaters get a perverse thrill out of this creepy shit. I can see that when I think about things said to me and the photos.
Reading How to go NC like a boss and have read all archives on CL, made the mistake to try again a month ago but now those images, hundreds are burnt into my mind, no god damn way.
My councillor said I deserve more, I sure do because what I got was truly fucked up.
My heart and soul is smashed I’m dazed and confused at this point but know what needs to be done.
Keep moving in the right direction.
I had to get Valium to help me through this as the anxiety is hard. I avoid pharma like the plague but I have to get some time of NC under my belt to dull the pain.
No more questions just pushing him over the cliff in my mind until I can get to not giving a shit and can say like I did with my last cheating partner, ‘thank fuck that’s over’ and my life is my own again. When I think of him now I see a wolf in sheepskin clothing.
When we first broke up I had a vivid dream of a dark cloud like energy at my front door that was him. I’m sure the rage will come soon and I need to be strong to support myself and my boys who’s spirits have been damaged.
Lady Batshit, that’s an awful discovery, so disturbing that someone is treating you like a doll who’s interchangeable with another doll, using the same costume. I am so sorry. I’ve always found it a little disturbing when people have a “type”, I feel they don’t really care or notice the person underneath, or if they do, they try to change them to fit the “type” in their heads more perfectly. This is just too fucked up. Your rage is coming, please use it well.
My Samantha’s are 2 of the traitor’s SILs. The first one, when told, just said “don’t worry, we know it’s him, he’s nasty!”. That was the first time I ever heard the family say anything about the traitor and his character, after 9 years. She then revealed all the nasty things he had done and what went down when he left his first wife. The other said ” WTF are you doing still with him? Throw him out NOW!” which I didn’t do…And she also proceeded to tell me what happened in the divorce from his first wife and what his father had said. His dad, who now has dementia and doesn’t remember anything, sided with his cheated wife and cut him out of the will. All news to me. These two women have been my heroes, comforting me and listening to me, cheering me up and now visiting every few months in turns (they live 400kms away).
But I wish I had a Sam who would break his nose or kneecap him and the whore…
No one I know has ever experienced anything like I have (or rather told me about it…), I hope if I ever hear of something like this happening to a friend or acquaintance I will be their Samantha.
All our friends stayed by my side. They haven’t heard a word from STBX; crickets. He has his “happy endings” massage parlor whore, his narcissistic Daddy, Mommy and sister, he apparently doesn’t need anyone else. He never had guy friends our entire marriage. Now I realize that was not healthy.
He basically eliminated our life and started over with a skank (born after we graduated from high school and same age as our adult son). I now see him as the sick, broken man he is. Mr. Charm with no substance or soul; so sad! He had a beautiful and loving family of 35 years that he threw away.
13 months since DD and 11 months since NC. My Samantha’s and Sam’s are steady by my side. My sister has been a lighthouse in my turbulent sea this past year. She flew from her vacation in South America to cold, rainy Seattle to be with me last January.
My cancer diagnosis that same week gave me the strength to say no more cheater abuse! My sister stayed by my side for 2 months and preached the CL and CN gospel to me when I needed to hear it most. I was in the darkest place of my life.
This Wednesday I had my 9th surgery and chemotherapy treatment in 13 months. I’m happy to say, I found out yesterday from oncologist, my cancer is now low grade/non invasive (had been high grade).
Kicking the cheater from my life, going absolutely no contact and surrounding myself with my steadfast and loving Samantha’s and Sam’s has been good for my health and healing. The pain from cheater debris lessens with time and NC.
Knowing he didn’t kill my spirit gives me the strength to kick cancer to the curb and enjoy each day of life for the gift it is. Life isn’t always fair but it’s good if we allow ourselves to let go of the fakes, cheaters, liars and energy vampires. I try not to dwell in the past, but rather taste sweet life daily and plan my cheater-free and cancer-free future.
Those of you just starting this difficult journey, know the pain isn’t infinite and we are all here standing strong; having gone the road just ahead of you.
FreeNow, congratulations! So glad you have had support through all this. It sounds like you have beaten your cancer too. You are mighty!
FreeNow, nine surgeries?? Wow, you are one mighty woman! I had two surgeries during my breakup with the Cheater and it was tough! My hats off to you and Congrats on kicking Cancers butt! Onward to a better more peaceful life!
Mine when discovered actually said ” I would have to crawl over broken glass for you to ever forgive me”.
So he did zero to even try.
Since then his behaviour has got worse and worse. Lies , more lies.
I have had my samantha’s, good friends and my three sisters and mother.I think I must have the world record for divorce rants.
All through this I have felt sad that my dad died 20 years ago and he would have been the perfect person to deal with my Ex, I have never missed him more. I would have just loved for a man to give ex what for.
Ex does not respect or value women. He needed a man to tell him straight what an arsehole he is. He went to an all male school, then the army, now is a CEO, is off the scale arrogant. Sociopath probably.
Sadly did not happen. Nobody there to do it.
I hope in time one of his sons will do so, but at the moment they just see little of him and keep their heads down.
+1, a man to give him what for
?
My friend sent me this link and christened me a Samantha. I can’t think of a greater honor. I had the privilege last week of traveling across three states to return back to the city she and her ex lived in when they divorced. We went there because she sued him for contempt for shorting her on alimony for the better part of 7 years. What a dick. I love my friend and enjoyed our time together; but, seriously, my sole purpose in going was to protect her from having to go face to face with him or his sweet cheeks – the woman he left her for. Yup, I was fully prepared to go all Samantha Bon Qui Qui on both of them. Lucky for them (and possibly me!), when they were obviously waiting near the elevator in the lobby for their chance, we found the back staircase.
My Samantha is a gorgeous, vivacious woman, who I worked with, who I imagined to ‘have it all’, who turned out being a fellow chump. She, far more than anyone else in my life understands what I am going through as she has experienced it herself. She just gets it. There is no judgement, no side eye at anything outrageous I say regarding Sasquatch. She’s an inspiration to me as she is mighty and fabulous. Thank God for my Samantha, because without her, I’d have felt as though I was going mad.
My lawyer. When I was ready to say, “whatever, just give him what he wants”, she wouldn’t let me do it. Now three years later, I appreciate the agreements she put together…I definitely got the better deal. When it was over and the divorce was final, I cried. Happy it was over, but so thankful she was strong when I couldn’t be.
I’m ashamed to admit this; if this debilitating experience did not happen to me, I may be one of those Switzerland friends who’ll shrug and say, “hard to judge cause we never know what exactly goes on in their relationship”.
I have an amazing group of friends who rallied behind me from DDAY#1 but I was the one who’s reluctant to accept support as I was still in the thick of shock of what was happening in my relationship. They were cheering for me but to me it seemed their voices are muffled in the background and I couldn’t hear them properly. They were angry for me, but I haven’t found my anger yet. Instead, I feel ashamed. I was ashamed of letting people know how I tolerate/normalize the abuse (didn’t realize I was being abused; thought I was being mighty). I was ashamed of losing control of the situation (I was just learning to accept there are things I can’t control and I need to let go). When you combine shame with the chumpy attitude of ‘I can do this’ you end up rejecting the support and going at it alone.
It was when I started to read CL/CN that the fog in my head cleared up and I was able to appreciate all the Samanthas that had been there for me all along.
If I ever come across a new chump, I will not hesitate to direct them to this site and tell them that I have their back. I’ll tell them that I can never imagine the pain they’re going through right now as everyone’s experience is different. That I am still here for them even if they don’t feel like talking about their experience. That they are valuable – even if they don’t value themselves yet more than their cheater. And that when they realize their worth, they will find their anger and do the things they need to do to get out of the situation and live the kind of life they are meant to live.