What a Good Friend Looks Like

You know what a good friend looks like? Someone who sticks up for you over your cheating husband.

***

There was an absolutely stellar column that ran at Scarymommy.com this week, “A Letter to My Best Friend’s Ex-Husband Because Screw You A**Hole.” (You had me at the profanity, Samantha.)

Reading between the lines, Asshole has cheated. The couple is divorcing. They’re trying to do that conscious uncoupling thing for the children, where the chump eats the giant shit sandwich of her rage and humiliation and pushes forward into some sort of dignified shared custody situation. But just because the chump is eating the shit sandwich, doesn’t mean her BFF is.

Samantha comes out swinging:

BUT, just because she’s being a fucking pillar of dignity and strength, doesn’t mean that I’m not pissed. Oh, I’m pissed. I’m pissed, and I’m looking at you, sir. You see, this is happening and it has to happen and it should happen, but you are the reason this is taking place. She is willing to recognize what a good father you are, and acknowledge your redeeming qualities as she works to forgive you for your indiscretions, but I don’t have to do that. I get to pull the Best Friend Card here, and I get to just be pissed the fuck off that you are the catalyst for the heartbreak, pain, anxiety, and overwhelming stress that you are causing my friend. So, FUCK YOU DUDE.

Fuck you for making her sad. Fuck you for making her question her own value and self-worth. Fuck you for making her question your entire relationship. Fuck you for making her feel like she has to figure out what she did wrong. Fuck you for making her feel guilty that she can’t keep up the facade forever and pretend like everything is fine. Fuck you for making her stress out over money. Fuck you for making her stay up all night crying. Fuck you for making her heart break as she attempts to prepare herself for spending 50% of her time away from the children she adores beyond comprehension. Fuck you for making her stay up all night as she worries how this will affect their future.

Every chump should be so lucky to have a Samantha on their side.

A friend who validates, who channels the pain and anger of being betrayed and articulates it, when the chump is probably still too shocked to go there. A friend who take SIDES. Who recognizes injustice. A friend who does not brook any cheater narrative nonsense about “growing apart” or it all being “for the best.” No — this friend assigns FAULT. YOU did this. YOU broke this. Innocent people who do NOT deserve this are suffering, so FUCK YOU.

A standing ovation for Samantha!

Your Friday assignment is to tell CN about your Samantha. If you have no Samantha, tell us about you being that friend in someone else’s life. What kind of friend would you like to be to future chumps? How are you upping your friend game?

TGIF!

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PucksMuse
PucksMuse
7 years ago

I heard that excerpt in the voice of Kat Dennings. I love it.

Merry Meh-hem
Merry Meh-hem
7 years ago

I had more than one Samantha, but hats off to the friend who let me stay with her for months after I left him until I could get back to work post cancer. She even rallied and organized her family members and our other friends to help me get my things moved from his house while he was at work, so I never had to go back, beg, or watch Smoochie move in and enjoy. The absolute best part? She pilfered a few bottles of wine from the house, and guess when we’ll be popping those bottles? The day my divorce is final!! I so love my Samantha!!

Better Alone
Better Alone
7 years ago

My Samantha was a common friend I thought I had lost through this whole mess but who ended up reconnecting with me and would end every e-mail with a disparaging comment about the genius. He is a man (who has no love interest towards me), he is older and he is the kindest, smartest and scruffy old man I have ever met. I love him to bits!
And every and anyone who would curse at the genius and call him names was my Samantha of the day. It helped sooooo much!

Chumptastic
Chumptastic
7 years ago

My Samantha is Debbie, she took me in after D-day #3. Took me out, got me drunk, listened to me cry and let me stay at her house for 2 nights. She called him every name I couldn’t say yet. She grabbed my face looked me in the eye and said, ” you deserve to be adored”.

Unfortunately I went back to the asshole one more time. She stayed my friend even though she thought I was crazy. The last and final D-day #4, she was there to pick me up again. She has been my rock. And I FINALLY get it. I do deserve to be adored, so I left the asshole!!

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

My sister and niece were my Samantha. On their first visit, they were my backbone and helped me stick-up for myself to my ex. On my sisters second visit out to help me (she lives out of state), she was even angrier than the first visit. She called my ex a snake. She called him out on his charm, by saying, “I’m not falling for your charm.” She was the one that helped me realize he manipulates and controls with his charm and “nice guy” act. She also said, “Martha has been doing 100% of the work around the house your whole marriage. She’s not doing it anymore. It’s now your turn.” She was mighty for me!

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago

I have several Samanthas. Sisters and friends have all worn that hat for me. I cannot imagine where I would be without them. Wait, I can. I would still be with a cheating narcissist.
This beautiful passage that I am including was written by my Samantha on a particularly hard day 2 years ago when STBX was pretending to be remorseful. I was caving. She was not.

“No. The point is that he is a dick all the time. He makes it harder to see that when he is upset- but in neither instance is he EVER considering you. At all. It doesn’t matter what his outward behavior is- his internal behavior is the same. He is using you. In both cases. All the time. Without consideration of you, or even really seeing you as a person. It doesn’t matter if he’s outwardly nice or outwardly a dick. The inside intention is the same- to take care of himself only.”

I ❤ Samanthas. They have mightiness when I am depleted. They have humor when nothing is funny. They have faith in me when I do not.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago

Awesome advice from your friend!

Lucky
Lucky
7 years ago

Years ago my best friend’s first husband accidently fell into the genitals of a 19 year old ( funny how that happens ).

He left to go live in that 19 year old’s parent’s basement ( thank God he left ) and she divorced his cheating ass!

During the time that he was “trying to fix things ” (while living with the 19 year old ?!?! ) he called me AT WORK.

He was concerned about our friendship!

I won’t go into details – but I let him know EXACTLY what I thought of him.
He hung up pretty quickly and has never bothered me again.

Needless to say my friend was also a pillar of strength for me when my marriage crumbled.

The saddest part is that when you voice the truth to these Crap Weasels they don’t really hear you. Might as well scream into the wind.

ddame23
ddame23
7 years ago

I had no Samantha. I have no one that I would call a friend. The way I was raised and the marriage I spent nearly twenty years in have led me to conclude that I’m better off on my own completely. I can only count on myself. Logically, I know this can’t be, but emotionally… well… I hope Samantha’s friend, knows how lucky she is to have someone, anyone in her corner.

chumptastic
chumptastic
7 years ago
Reply to  ddame23

My Samantha told me that “I deserve to be adored”. So I am telling you this ddame23 “You deserve to be adored!” Once you finally believe this, you will find it possible. Good luck.

2nd Gen Chump
2nd Gen Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  ddame23

I remember a therapist asking me about my support system, my friends. I told her I didn’t have many friends, because it was just too much work. People take, take, take, and it was hard enough to keep myself going, my job going, and my relationship going. She explained that if you pick good people, those that give as well as take, friendship isn’t exhausting, relationships aren’t exhausting. It was a revelation. Get help fixing the picker and the rest falls into place.

Chumptacular
Chumptacular
7 years ago
Reply to  ddame23

Ditto. My siblings are narcissists who were turned against me by my narcissistic mother as toddlers so I couldn’t go to them. I ended all friendships with other women decades ago because I always felt uncomfortable when XH was in the presense of other females. I did not seek out any couples who had been mutual friends because of the embarrassment and humiliation of being cheated on. One of these friends called and offered to fix me up with a widower but I declined.

ale

BetrayedNoMore
BetrayedNoMore
7 years ago
Reply to  ddame23

Another loner here. Chump Lady has been my only true outlet after the couples therapist shut me down so we could work on what I did to contribute to the mis-communications and issues with my marriage. My cheater-wife then gets away with telling me I’m not “getting over it” and only want to wallow in my own pity-party. I started to confide in a friend but it scared the shit out of him to hear just how evil the betrayal went. He wanted no part of that and also started asking about what I did to contribute to her cheating.

SIGH If you want something done right, do it yourself.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  BetrayedNoMore

Betrayed
Thank goodness we have chump nation. I think that without this place I would not have done well at all. May even be with him still, chewing on that leather strap.
FOO issues meant that to me the appearance of being strong was vital to survival – didn’t want mommy dearest to spot any weakness. Carried that habit into marriage where I did pretty much everything in return for very little. Cut to being a chump where keeping up that show of strength becomes dangerously self sabotaging. Plus the stronger you appear, the less likely that others will ask how you are. They just assume you are fine and often whole friendships are predicated on you being the strong one and not at all needy. Suddenly the relationship can’t survive the role reversal. It never was equal in giving and taking.
But being a loner by necessity in early life then mostly by choice later on I have to admit that this strength is real. I am strong. And rather than bemoan it being the thing that keeps me isolated – I bloody well use it now and try to reach out more when I need to. A different kind of strength.
Sorry. I may have wandered off the point!
Just wanted to say we are all here for you !

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

As usual, Capricorn, we are in sync. Same here with being strong. But I do have a couple of great friends and we are Samanthas for each other. We don’t talk every day because we all have busy lives but we totally get each other. There are some other friends who were there for me when I needed them, and then faded away. You know that old…….. friends are in our lives for a reason, a season or forever line. It’s true.

Chump nation is the best. Even though cheater ex has long been in the rearview mirror, I did not understand exactly what he was, and why he behaved the way he did. Consequently I had a lot of guilt yet. You all helped me see that I did the best I could under difficult circumstances. You have all been my Samantha. Thank you everyone!

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

I also can say that I do my best to be a Samantha to friends in my life too. Sometimes they have been personality disordered which was a definite learning experience. As my picker improved though, I figured out the difference and they are now gone, but it took a while, and cost a few tears. Let’s hear it for growth!

Chump-o-rama
Chump-o-rama
7 years ago
Reply to  ddame23

Get it, same boat. Therapy helps.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  ddame23

ddame23, I think there are many like us out there. I have posted below before I read your post. It can be very lonely fighting the battle on one’s own but I am very proud that I was able to do so. We need to start a Samantha/Samuel movement and with the help of CL and CN the word is getting out there. When I listen to some poor woman’s plight I then direct her here to CL. I never see these women again but I hope they took my advice.

violet
violet
7 years ago
Reply to  ddame23

I am somewhat of a solitary person myself, so I completely understand the need to protect your privacy and sense of self. I found that so many people who claimed to be friends really just wanted me to confide in them so that they could broadcast my private life to other busy bodies. Mine was a very public betrayal and that made it so much worse, because I really didn’t know who to trust. Even some of my own family members “leaked” crap to the press-true or not, it didn’t matter. It completely sucked and, in many ways, was as disheartening as the betrayal.

Still, I had my dad, who was absolutely amazing and always kept me on track. When I wavered, he told me my X was always the (dad’s words) “big swinging dick” in the room, who was never going to change. He urged me to protect myself. Dad died almost two years ago and I miss him every single day. He was my rock. I also had a friend who became a widow a couple of years after my experience and she discovered what I call extreme financial infidelity after her husband’s death. After a life of luxury, she was left basically penniless. She and I reconnected and we muddled along together for a time. She is now in a significant relationship, though, and is pressuring me to start dating. Ugh, thanks, but no thanks. I enjoy my alone time too much to forfeit it just so I can be part of a couple. It puzzles me why people assume I am not happy or “healed’ merely because I enjoy my own company. I am at peace and that is all that matters to me.

Kirkhobbit
Kirkhobbit
7 years ago
Reply to  violet

My dad was also my rock and he died 3 years ago. He would have been the first person who would have come straight round after DDay and he would be constantly ringing and dropping round to cheer me up, and wrap me up in a bear hug. Miss him now more than ever.
I have lots of lovely Samantha’s but I also have an amazing older sister actually called Samantha! And she is my dad incarnated- love her to bits.

Kirkhobbit
Kirkhobbit
7 years ago
Reply to  violet

My dad was also my rock and he died 3 years ago. He would have been the first person who would have come straight round after DDay and he would be constantly ringing and dropping round to cheer me up, and wrap me up in a bear hug. Miss him now more than ever.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  violet

Lovely post. ❤

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  ddame23

Same here. They all believed the narrative and I was trying to avoid being “the bad guy” so I wasn’t telling the story. He got the friends and I got the total shit sandwich.

The one person I thought would be there to support me turned out to be pretty lacking in her willingness to give support.

In therapy, I learned, and continue to learn, how to go slow building trust and forming solid relationships. It is changing everything.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I took the “high road,” kept my mouth shut, I thought it would be more dignified to keep things private.
Mean while X was out bad mouthing me to everyone and anyone he’d run into. Making up stories being the sad sausage and playing the victim.
I was naive enough to assume people knew me better than to believe X’s outrageous lies, I was wrong.
And no, you can’t be friends with both of us.

Onward_chump
Onward_chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Same, same! I told the truth….except I got a CEASE & DESIST letter. Ha! Talk about being the “bad guy”. I guess that’s what happens when your spouse is screwing a coworker in a building full of your mutual friends…aka shitting where you eat….yeah, you kinda end up talking to people in the same circle. Those letters are a joke. Anyway….<>>….I wish I had a Samantha. Unfortunately, this experience has opened my eyes to the undercover dysfunction in *other* people as well. The mindfuckers, the “I fail to understand you hostility” fuckers, the Switzerland friends and family…..nope, no Samanthas for this chump.

DancesWithMeh
DancesWithMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  Onward_chump

Oh, I got a cease and desist letter too.

Apparently he didn’t like me telling all his co-workers and friends and family members about his shenanigans.

But it wasn’t enforcible. One thing you have to remember is that they can only get you with something like this if you continue to tell your story and they sue you for defamation in court.

My ex’s problem was that I was telling the truth and had proof to back it, so it would have been huge expense for him and quite a lot of embarrassment when all his shenanigans became a matter of legal public record!

CeliA
CeliA
7 years ago
Reply to  DancesWithMeh

LOL, me too. If it comes to a point where we would meet in court, I have all the evidence to back up and support my claims.

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ddame23
ddame23
7 years ago
Reply to  ddame23

One more thing. I didn’t write this to get sympathy or anything like that. I’m putting it out there for anyone else like me who didn’t have any support and who will read about all the “Samanthas” out there.

Wiseoldowl
Wiseoldowl
7 years ago
Reply to  ddame23

No Samantha for me either. My BFF’s turned out to BE cheaters. A very lonely quiet ride.

DoneWithNarcs
DoneWithNarcs
7 years ago
Reply to  ddame23

I’m usually the caretaker or advisor in my work and personal circles. I need to do something different to find people who are able (and wanting) to reciprocate.

I also came from a very dysfunctional family so I had to go it alone. After my divorce, and later in my life, I became close to an older woman friend. She really saw people, the good and bad of them. I learned so much from her insights. She was like the mother I never had. I’m so grateful we had each other for a while.

Hopeful Cynic
Hopeful Cynic
7 years ago
Reply to  ddame23

I didn’t have a Samantha either. My cheater had been my best and closest friend for twenty years. When I tried to confide in my next best friend, I got a story about how some things work out for the best, for example how she herself had been an affair partner and broke up a marriage. I hadn’t had a clue that was the origin of her relationship and been busy being happy she was happy and including her new partner at all social events. When she next told me she would continue being friends with both of us, and that my cheater could still be a good father for our kids, I decided I was better off going through everything alone.

But I’m pretty sure now I’d be a hell-of-a-good-Samantha for any of my current friends.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Hopeful Cynic

Yes, I’m pretty sure you would be a fabulous Samantha!

Kristen
Kristen
7 years ago
Reply to  ddame23

I am another one who had no Samantha. I had Switzerland friends who said things like, “Marriage is hard, and we never really know what goes on inside someone else’s relationship.” Or who kept their distance because they were afraid that divorce was catching. Or who flatly refused to believe that one of our group had walked right up to the edge of an affair with my ex, and never told me. So now I have many fewer friends.

Clara
Clara
7 years ago
Reply to  Kristen

Yes, they are jerks. I hate that one, Kristen. We never really know…
Actually, I do know. I know down the texts. It is a coward’s way to not have to take a stand.To a be spineless worm.
The older I get, I do not have time for people who are not on my side. If someone beat and robbed me, would they say, Well, we don’t know what went on with you two.
This was a clear case of right and wrong. Take a side. Or you do not have the pleasure of my company.

Clara
Clara
7 years ago
Reply to  ddame23

DDame,
It might be all right to go it alone. Harder. Not pleasant, but better than enduring the eye rolls, the get over it stares and the sanctimonious speeches I receive about living in the past.
As we get older, it is so hard to make friends. Add in explaining the horror show of being soul raped by a disordered freak, and you get some averted eye contact and curt goodbyes.

All I know is this: don’t you fucking dare judge me, or us, until you have lived it. I will watch Law & Order SUV alone and drool over Elliott before I lef someone say to me again, What part did you play in the relationship not working?
Woman, the only part I am playing is where I backhand you when you blame me again for my XH dating in our marriage.

Honeyandthehomewrecker
Honeyandthehomewrecker
7 years ago
Reply to  Clara

Oh my god, Clara, that was the most fantastic post I think I’ve read on this site. And that’s sure some high praise, because my life has been fundamentally altered forever by some of the out-effing-standing conversations that have taken place here.

‘Woman, the only part I am playing is where I backhand you when you blame me again for my XH dating in our marriage.’ This!!

And I hear you about making friends. This is why I go to group therapy for abandonment and divorce. I make friends and they never tire of the subject matter. And now that I’m able to function again since the debilitating agony has subsided, I can get to those newbies like I once was and tell them ‘Hey, I was you. And you know what I needed to hear that no one ever told me? You’re going to live. I know this is ripping your soul apart and feels like the pain may kill you, but it won’t. Take the pain, turn it into rage fuel, and use that to propel you into the life you deserve. Make the pain have a purpose. Oh, and read Chump Lady. Like, IMMEDIATELY.’

FromChumpToChamp
FromChumpToChamp
7 years ago
Reply to  ddame23

You’ve got us ddame23????
I wish we could use CN to find sponsors for us Chumps, so we have the strength to stay away from Cheating manipulative soul-sucking douchebags, a person to reach out to when we think we have ‘hope’ the abusive Cheater might change or have just lost all hope in the world.
I’ve been blessed with many Samanthas but recently a Samantha told me I’m not sinking into the abyss of depression instead I’ve almost climbed the huge mountain of shit my STBX created, and when I get to the top of the mountain the rest of my life (and my children’s) will be easy, unimaginably amazing and all downhill. I hope that image helps!! Keep posting, we’ve all got your back here!!!

Cerise
Cerise
7 years ago
Reply to  ddame23

The only Samanthas/Samuels me were here at CL, and bless them all.

When I shared the anger and outrage that the man I had been dating for nearly a year turned out to have lied to me, frequently and consistently, about his marital status, people were like, “but they don’t live together” and “but they’re separated” and “sometimes people don’t get divorced for religious reasons.” No, they were not LEGALLY separated, they were not religious (just lazy and cheap) and the point is he LIED to me, making me an unwitting adulteress. Somehow this was okay with people!

Even my own Mom said, “you must have really hated yourself to go out with him.” WTF? No, he seemed super nice and attentive and I hoped I had a happy-ever-after future with him, meanwhile the whole time he knew it was just a scam so he could get laid.

If it wasn’t for the support of CL and CN, I might have normalized this gaslighting horseshit. So thank you, mighty Chumps!

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  ddame23

I think we are ashamed and terrified to ask people to be our Samanthas. As chumps we are so vulnerable – thinking that you deserve support is hard and asking for it is harder. I really see Chump Lady as a grass roots movement to change that.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

LouisvilleFlower
This is true. I have three friends here who have been supportive but as we moved around so much I don’t have anyone who knows me that well.
And I do find it hard to ask for help. Usually I get through the bad patch and then tell people I just went through a rough patch. Which is an improvement as before I would just grind through.
I did find it hard to read that letter – the thought of having someone like that in your corner must be fabulous. But in my own life I can see I have survived and thrived without a Samantha, as I have always been lucky enough to fall across the path of someone who has helped me in some way. I just need to keep pushing at my door of resistance to being ‘seen’ in all my ways, good and bad.
My own life shows that you can cobble together your own Samantha from bits of many others using your own resilience and coping skills. Chump nation, friends, kind strangers – it all adds up.
Hugs to all without Samantha’s. It’s just a different path and I am working on getting my own!

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

I am resistant to asking for help as well. I think we chumps have that self reliance that made us think we could overcome the narcs faults but it’s also how the narcs were able to isolate us from our friends and family. It’s a great quality when used for good but can be used against us. We have to learn to communicate our needs and be prepared to practice advice boundaries.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

louisvilleflower & Cap – It took me a good six months to let anyone help me. I was too ashamed, not strong enough to let them know the reason behind my decision to divorce my then-husband, trying to be the pillar of dignity I wanted to be for my daughter. Fortunately I found CL and CN as my then-husband chose to have his mistress move continents to move in with him a block away from me.

I learned all I could from CN, and was ready when he started trying to include his mistress in our kiddo’s school and extra-curricular activities. That is when I got strong enough to start singing like a canary. Then Samanthas started to pop up in my life… Whether they lived through this as kids, or had to live through it as the spouse, they reached out and have been there ever since.

I live in an affluent community, highly educated with spouses choosing to stay home or work part time to take care of the kids while their successful spouses work like dogs… That’s the belief until some find themselves faced with unquestionable proof that they have been duped and are married to a cheating lying coward.

Since going through my own divorce, I’ve heard many more stories than I wish the world would have about cheating spouses in my area… Same entitlement, same belief that they were too smart to get caught, that their spouses would not leave, that the kids are resilient… Even though I live in a fault divorce state, I have heard over and over that chumps are actually seen as cruel if they apply for a divorce for adultery if they have school-age kids.

It is great to be surrounded by Samanthas for solace and gallows humor… But I also see that new chump pain and the overwhelming shame way more often than I ever want to. I try and provide some solace by sharing CL’s book and site with new chumps that cross my path.

In my community, I haven’t heard of a betrayed guy. Without the witty CN stories and humor of both male and female chumps, I would have believed that cheating and guys were synonyms. Thank you CL & CN for helping me process the devastating reality that this character flaw is as omnipresent as it is distributed across genders. Through this community, I continue learning and building better and better boundaries at work and in life, thank you CN!

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Chumptitude – so glad you found your Samanthas, and that you have become one. ❤
I just sent a copy of CL’s book to a friend. I have decided that will be my first response to anyone I hear about who is going through this. I should probably buy a few copies to have ready.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

I was thinking the same thing, too — buy a few copies so I can give them out right away. It’s sad to think that we’ll eventually meet someone who needs a book like this. But sadly it will happen.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Capricorn,
I’ll be your Samantha.
I hate your ex. I’ll pray daily for him to get erectile dysfunction.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Thanks Paintwidow!!!

He already has ‘human dysfunction’. I’ll join you in wishing him every other kind ?

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Love this, Paintwidow! Now there’s something I can wish on my ex! For my kids’ well-being, I can’t wish him dead or I’ll. But ED would be perfect!!!!

Anon
Anon
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Erectile dysfunction AND a deadly allergy to Viagra. Also sensitivity to EMFs, so cellphones and computer use is impossible.

If I tell a cheater I’m praying for them, this is what I mean;)

Rebecca
Rebecca
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

My kids were my Samantha!
They called him out as a cheating, pathetic liar, shouted, screamed, accused, went to see my lawyer and then turned their back on him.

I was my friend’s Samantha. She didn’t have the mental or physical strength (breast cancer, depression and divorce suck the life out of you).

I’m not sure why more people don’t act like Samantha. Hitting him hard was the most satisfying experience for me and my friend.

Gail
Gail
7 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

True… I was married 36 years.. my exs actions scared my married friends and made them question their relationships! It was if I suddenly had Leprosy and they could catch it! My married friends deserted me or told me to continue being a CHUMP! Some were secretly being chumps without anyone knowing! I formed new friends with single women who supported me until the end! My Samantha was single or divorced! My friendships changed…. another loss!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

My kids, too. Youngest went NC with the jackass well before I did; oldest said “Just file already, Mom. He’s never going to “get” it.”

Rebecca
Rebecca
7 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Should have said hitting him hard VERBALLY only…not that I wouldn’t have enjoyed the other way.

Tbone
Tbone
7 years ago

I have three Samanthas–a roommate from summer camp, sorority sister, and my local BFF–plus my sweet Southern mom. The Rev. Cheaterpants better hope none of them find him in a dark alley. Just saying. They helped me keep my self together, drove 8 hours to celebrate my birthday 2 weeks after D-day, and read (& replied to) all my snarky texts. They live across the eastern US & none of them knew each other before. But they all knew The Rev. C from the 20+ years we’d been together. Three months after d-day, we all met at my parents for a weekend–worlds colliding! They’ve also celebrated with me all of the little milestones as I’ve made my way through to the other side (court date next week!). I’m so lucky to have them & owe them so much for their support & fighting spirit.

Overthattwat
Overthattwat
7 years ago

I had my whole close circle of Samantha’s (still do) who have been bloody amazing throughout- they were there day and night for me when I wanted to do stupid things, was sobbing etc, chatted to me every single day in the first few months..my BFF sent ex a similar text message like Samantha’s letter (ending it with the words “you are dead to me ” – he was best man at their wedding too) on the 1 year anniversary of D day all my “Samantha’s” took Me out for a (very) Boozey lunch and celebrated with me how far the kids and I had come in that year. LOVE them to bits, they’ve Been my rock ❤️

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
7 years ago

Thanks ‘A’ for being my Samantha. I’ll never forget what she said when I was obsessing over the affair partner:
“she’s easy,
she was there,
she said yes.”
That’s it. Thanks ‘A’ for the badass side of ya! You know what you did!

lady jane
lady jane
7 years ago

I had several Samantha’s that kept me sane and let me vent. When I just couldn’t must up anger I would tell Samantha #1. She would get so angry, calling him names, stomping around. I so enjoyed watching her anger! In the beginning I really thought she was capable of getting a gun and shooting me, in fact she said that’s exactly what she wanted to do. There were times I had to calm her down and remind her orange wasn’t her color. Thank you my dear friend!

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago

Oddly, the closest I had to a Samantha was deadhusbands sister who loved her brother dearly but knows that men can be decent to everyone and assbastard awful to their partners…she listened while I snivled in my car and told me that “no man was worth this”. I will never forget her kindness.

I decided to be Samantha when I saw a friend whose husband was nowhere on her FB with a mention he “worked in asia” (we all know what that means) so I private messaged her. Of course I was right and she is in the middle of a shitstorm. I should write her today come to think of it.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
7 years ago

I know for a fact that had any of my friends sent such a message to Shitbox, he would have complained about it. He would have played the victim and probably gone as far as including it in a letter from his lawyer.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
7 years ago

In the early days after DDay, my mother said to him “make sure you do the right thing by my daughter!” And he complained about that – he said it was threatening behaviour. Bear in mind my mother is 70 and he was in his 20s.

She sent his text messages saying more or less the same, and criticising him for what he’d done. He complained about ‘abusive text messages’.

I had to hold back my Samantha from contacting him (now she really would have laid into him), because I’d get an onslaught of complaints and victim hood and it would become my fault…

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
7 years ago

Your ex and my STBX are kindred spirits–assailant claims he’s victim.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

^^^^ Same, X is claims to be the victim, crocodile tears and all.

Newlady15
Newlady15
7 years ago

This one is making me cry before I even started writing. The kindness of people often was the only thing that kept me going. My friends listened patiently to the toxic vomit for a year. They validated me,supported me,took me out for fun when I thought I would never have any fun ever again. I was offered rooms, dinners ,just a cup of tea and spiritual guidance.
I lost friends that were important to me but in the end they really weren’t a loss. I made new friends,met with some wonderful chumps from here and still see them for dinner and a bitching session but now we also talk about how we are becoming mighty, just as important as validation. I met a nice man and we are taking that friendship slowly. He understands I am wounded and need time and gentleness.
I am more grateful than I could ever properly express, it will make me a better friend than I have ever been.. I love my friends..??

Kimhopes
Kimhopes
7 years ago

I am surrounded by Samantha’s. I am very, very lucky. I have been a Samantha myself to one of mine many years ago. Hers went with the best friend, who was one of my friends as well – note the was. We circle wagons in my group, we shoot , we roar, we laugh, and we carry on as normal. We also ostracise, excise, remove and discard the trash.

Newlady15
Newlady15
7 years ago

And I don’t know how I could write that without mentioning my sister who told me about CL and has had my back my whole life. She truly is my best friend.

Mom9193
Mom9193
7 years ago

I had a few Samathas but two lovely ladies from my Book Club volunteered to “push him off a cliff”! During my weekly updates, they’d break in with their latest thoughts of how they’d get him out of my life faster. Their genius for comedy and their love for me, had me laughing and feeling the warmth of good friends. Of course, there were other friends and my ever-loving sisters, but they were my shoulders to cry on and my fonts of wisdom. The ladies who wanted to “shiv” him made me belly laugh and appreciate all the wonderful clever people in my life!

Chump Advocate - Vickie
Chump Advocate - Vickie
7 years ago

While I didn’t have a Samantha, I will gladly be the messenger when someone has fallen into the guilt trap of ‘conscience uncoupling ‘ and they’re being bludgeoned by it.

Every time someone says to me ‘but he’s such a good dad, I need to …….’ my response is ‘really? How can someone be a good dad while they are lying, cheating, squeezing you for your last dime, wrangling to get out of financial obligations, taking advantage of you inmediation, etc. ‘.

Does a good dad really to that to the mother of his kids?

whodoesthat
whodoesthat
7 years ago

My Samantha was my brother in the early days – they went from really good inlaws to my brother voicing his disgust and ‘man up’ advice. The amazing thing about it was my ex fucktard was fully expecting they ‘could remain friends’ despite his appalling actions. It was then I thought i was dealing with someone truly delusional since he believed he could comparmentalise that part of his life from the horrendous things he did to me and still carry on the football banter he had with my brother…. It is only recently – 15 months out from D day that I find out for YEARS he was systematically bad mouthing me to friends and work colleagues…..passive aggressively suggesting that he was ‘under the thumb’ – that I was a spender and he was the long suffering husband who towed the line…. so my now friend told me ‘ after what he said I was surprised when I met you – you seemed nice’ WTF. So not enough to be outright defamatory – but just enough to paint a picture of him being the sad sausage and me being the tyranical spouse who deserved it when he finally ‘could take no more’ – and that is how these people maintain their ‘good guy image’ to sustain their pathetic egos.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

My sister told me there was no need to demonize ex as he hadn’t murdered anyone. She also lobbies for the “you could still be good friends post-divorce” idea. She was a cheater herself and is NOT a Samantha.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Wow, murder is the only thing that makes someone a truly bad person? Sorry that your sister is a jerk, Dixie.

CAGal
CAGal
7 years ago

I went out on a little coffee date with a guy who it came out was a chump. His wife had screwed a few guys in her office. She had also just gotten a big payout because her company was bought. He said something about wanting to get back some amount of money that he put toward her student loans, but it was no where near to half of what she got paid in the buy out. He was such a sweet little chump… so blind sided by this cheater and trying not be the bad guy.

I just looked at him said “But why… why would you take a penny less than what the law says is yours after what she did. This is not a punishment. This is not you trying to even the score or something. This is just a consequence… you fuck a few guys around the office, your husband divorces you and takes half your money. That’s pretty much a reasonable consequence by any measure.”

I don’t think he had ever had someone make that point before. We never went out again, but I hope he’s doing well… and got half.

mighty me
mighty me
7 years ago

Yes! OMG. I finally screamed these things at mine as he was bullying me about being a poor coparent, saying I was causing damage to my children because I didn’t want to have a deeply nuanced discussion with him about chore implementation in my household. Yes, that’s equivalent to fucking prostitutes for 8 years, stealing my money, heart, energy, self, goodwill and 40% of my children’s lives–all things that btw you stole FROM YOUR CHILDREN TOO. He said with a sob “don’t tell me I don’t love my kids” and hung up on me. I went as NC as possible after that. Email only, only about kids, finances. No nuance.

wideawake
wideawake
7 years ago

The only parts of the otherwise excellent referenced article from ScaryMommy that rang as *untrue* the first time I read it, and this time again are those saying the cheater is still a “good Dad”.
I agree with CA-Vickie, Chup-tastic, BetterAlone, Blerg, Mamachump16, Chutes& Ladders, & Indomitable that a “good Dad” does not deliberately chose to lie & lie & live a double life for years & saddle his own children with a lifelong tawdry divorce legacy based on his shitty entitlement & his lack of character & his zero integrity.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  wideawake

Bingo.

mamachump16
mamachump16
7 years ago

YES! Thank you! I could not agree more, and you just spelled out my life right now. I can. It believe I picked this person to be a life partner, and father to my child. Complete disgust!

Blerg
Blerg
7 years ago
Reply to  mamachump16

It seems pretty simple to me. Being a good Dad involves doing your best to protect your family. Abusing members of your family by cheating, lying and gaslighting, is the antithesis of doing your best to protect your family. Thus, cheating a**holes are not good Dad’s!

If my Dad was super loving to me, but I knew that he mentally abused my Mom by cheating on her, there is no way I would think “Oh, but he is a good Dad, b/c he treats me well. It’s just my Mom that he shits on. Understandable” SMH.

Indomitable
Indomitable
7 years ago

OMG what a big button for me. When the child assessor and othershave said “…but he’s such a good dad” I pointed out that good dads are at the school coaching baseball in late afternoon, not lying on their backs in a hotel room having a teenager “do” them for cash. Good dads do everything possible to protect and keep the family together. Good dads to not starve their post D-Day family for cash. Good dads do not try to force their families out of their homes just for sport. Good dads do not have unprotected sex with prostitutes and risk the health and lives of the good moms. Good dads show up for piano recitals instead of whacking off to porn. These folks and their “he’s such a good dad” shit usually shut up by that point and launch into their “why are you so angry” narrative.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago
Reply to  Indomitable

Good dads show up in their kids’ lives, not just when people are looking. X never misses a Curriculum Night, but hasn’t seen his kids regularly for years.

Good dads don’t trash their kids’ mother.

Good dads don’t lie, steal, cheat, and then blame it all on their kids mother when they get caught.

Good dads don’t choose their bimbo/meal ticket over their own kids.

Blah, blah, blah.

Clearly, I also have a BIG problem with the whole, “…but he’s a good dad” excuse, too.

brit
brit
7 years ago

^^^ Exactly, good dads don’t bad mouth and alienate their children from their children…,
Good Dad’s don’t leave their families for their own selfishness.

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

I spoke at my stepfather’s funeral. My dad was also there (gay, cheated – because, d’uh, he’s gay!) I signed off with ‘the best thing a father can do for his children is love their mother, and that is every bit as true for a stepfather, maybe more so.’ It was a bit squirmy saying that in front of my dad. But hey. They both loved her – she pre-deceased both by about a decade. Only one was able to love her in the ‘socially appropriate’ and intimate way from middle age. I did not grow up with my stepfather on the scene. I was Maid of Honour at their wedding, in my 20s. But he loved my Mum so much. I loved him for that. Real men/dads love properly. Fully. Honestly. Openly. With their whole hearts. Not just when someone’s watching (my distrust of those who are super into PDAs, a testimony to this!)

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

**
***Oops, I meant alienate their children from their mothers.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Here, here. Tired of my STBX telling everyone, including me every day, what a terrible parent and person I am even though he spent much of our kids’ college fund on prostitutes and took me to court falsely claiming that I committed disgusting, violent crimes and thus should be banned from seeing our kids. Over $100k in legal fees later, kids and I are in much worse condition. And HE still wants more money and adoration from ME. Ridiculous.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Same here RockStarWife, I spent over $100k in legal fees over X’s false accusations against me.
In addition to his false claims of disability. He did his research, all his “disabilities” are difficult to prove, for example seeing spots floating across his eyes.

A good Dad doesn’t teach his son to lie about his Mother or tell his son he doesn’t need to show his mother respect because she doesn’t deserve to be respected.
Not does he teach his son that it’s okay to be dishonest in any circumstances.
A good Dad doesn’t underhandedly have their Mother evicted from her home and leave her homeless.

They’re delusional

Jojobee
Jojobee
7 years ago

Yes! And good dads don’t hire hookers instead of saving for their kids’ college. They don’t go days without seeing them before bedtime because they are “working late” under a ho-worker. They don’t volunteer for every single business trip, deployment, out of state or out of country assignment because it gives them more time to screw randoms in hotel bars and off Craig’s list instead of helping with homework and attending school functions. HOW FUCKING LOW IS THE B AR SET IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO CLAIM GOOD DAD? Just because you saw him tossing the ball one Saturday out of 52 last year does not make him a “good dad.”

Sausalito
Sausalito
7 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

You nailed it!!! Love this.

Indomitable
Indomitable
7 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Amen

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

Hi CA-Vickie–good to see you back!

Chump Advocate - Vickie
Chump Advocate - Vickie
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Hi Tempest. Good to see you. I was moving but I’m kinda settled now. Shouldn’t we be having a ‘chumpalooza ‘ soon?

Better Alone
Better Alone
7 years ago

“Does a good dad really to that to the mother of his kids?”
YES!!!! This has to be addressed! Thank you for saying that.

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
7 years ago

YES! Thank you for saying that, Vickie. My thoughts exactly. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills when people excuse blisteringly cruel behavior because someone’s “a good dad.” I’m sorry, no. Life is not in separate compartments like that. That’s like saying “Yeah, but [insert torturous historical dictator here] was a good dad though.” Eye roll.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
7 years ago

My friend Kay and her fiance (who’ve had their own struggles) were Samantha and Samuel for me, along with my dear friend Zane, who was Samuel Pt. 2. Kay and her guy made the point to me that one day, Rhys would have to make a choice, and whatever he decided, they’d be here for me. Zane gave me the impetus to write the final email telling Rhys to fuck off for good.

ANC
ANC
7 years ago

I have 3 Samantha’s and am so blessed. I’m not a native to the place I live and where DDay went down, so having their support was essential.

If they every see the asshole ever again, they are “going Jackie Chan on his ass”.

ANC
ANC
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

*ever*

IloatheDouchebags
IloatheDouchebags
7 years ago

Applaud…Cheer…Scream Hallelujah…Rejoice! Samantha you are one hell of a best friend!!!! I wish had you on my side when my “friends” played the nice card to both of our faces, while the wives shunned me (because, you know, I must be sex craved since I was the new divorcée’ and I must be eyeballing their husbands and all…..if I could insert the middle finger emoji right here, I would). It wasn’t until about 6 months after our divorce when my ex. douchebag started trying to screw over his business partner (who were also our “best friends” when we were married) that are “friends” started realizing what a douche he really was and what he really did to me. I have remained friends with them, but distant. Sadly, to this day, I know my “friends” would have never done or will ever do what Samantha did. They were and still are too worried about their superficial reputations.

So, here’s to better fucking friends like Samantha! And, you bet your sweet ass that I have gone out and found some fellow chumps that would have my back in a heart beat. When the time comes and shit starts hitting the fan with some of my (now distant) “friends” and they get their heads out of their superficial ass and realize that they are chump, I’m going to have to reference this post and tell them to load up on friends like Samantha because they are going to need it.

I’ll admit, I probably creep in a bold “I wish I had friends like this when I was going through my hell” reference with a sweet “that’s nice” smile, just so they feel the burn of what had to endure.

Great post! Thanks for sharing.

Braveheart
Braveheart
7 years ago

I am thankful to say my church family are all being Samanthas…not quite with language we have all used directed at our cheaters, but standing firm nonetheless.
My cheater may be excommunicated in the near future. He loves his sin more than anything.

Redstarrising
Redstarrising
7 years ago

My Samantha was my older sister. She was and is my rock and piler in moving through the massive fog that I endured for several months while getting my ducks in a row. Once I was able to move she and CN have helped guide me. Went No Contact and that really helped. I’d still be eating shit cake if it weren’t for her that’s for sure. I’m 2 yrs out from leaving and hoping a divorce by mid year. Definitely living a better life without that asslard.

Lorna
Lorna
7 years ago

My Samantha was a friend from 30 years ago who suddenly reappeared in my life at the exact moment I needed her (and her husband). They took care of me and my wounded ego after he locked me out of the house and kept all of my things. They helped me form some sort of life again and made sure I didn’t send that letter I wrote ‘anonymously’ to the OW. I am almost in the state of MEH due mostly to their help and unconditional love and I will never forget how good they were for me.

Attie
Attie
7 years ago

My whole family were always there for me, including my now deceased mom who, at 94, was still compus mentus enough to say he was a twat wasn’t he”. I am close to all my family and would expect my sisters to go up to bat for me, but I didn’t really expect my oldest brother to pitch in. He is 17 years older than me and lives in Wales (I’m in France) and he and his wife would regularly call and offer support. My sister in England – well twat better look out if she ever runs in to him! But oddly enough it was my sister in Denmark who I have the fondest memories of being a Samantha. She was going through the same crap over there with her narc but was a couple of years ahead of me. One summer’s evening we were on skype with the windows open because it was so hot. So she asked me to list all the things I would be so glad to never have to deal with – starting with the “gobbing snot” sound in the shower and having to listen to how “the steam always brings my sinuses down”! After about 30 minutes we were laughing so hard (and so loud) my neighbours came round to check everything was ok because they thought I was either crying or having an argument! It doesn’t get better than that does it!

Skinwalker
Skinwalker
7 years ago
Reply to  Attie

That’s the BEST, Addie! Laugh so hard at fucktard stories that the neighbors freak out!

validated
validated
7 years ago

A close friend called out some of his behavior as abusive, waking me up. She always took my calls, always listened and helped me sort out my anxieties to settle to the next right thing to do. She welcomed my visits with my dog for a few weekends and holidays as I prepared to leave.

Another close friend helped me fix up my house to prepare to sell it, because xh found it too upsetting and it was all my fault. She came to help witness a household division session when I was most afraid, and witnessed the raging, and became even more validating of my choice to divorce in a way that felt safe to me. She also allowed my weekend respite visits.

Another good friend with a wonderful wit came to help sort the hoarder stash as part of preparing the house to sell, and had me laughing through all of it. She was definitely more a Samantha style with her deep righteous anger towards xh. This friend welcomed my weekend respite visits as long as I brought my dog.

And there was the young man from our church community who asked if he could please help me move, showing up with a bunch of our friends and several trucks, while xh glowered and tried to play the victim. Incredible support.

Thank you CL and CN for modeling righteous anger and humor, tools to turn around the fear and confusion.

Nikki Lynn
Nikki Lynn
7 years ago

My best friend would just as soon throat punch my ex as to look at him. She’s mad as hell at him and I’ve schooled her about narcissism and she totally “gets it.” And what I love about her, too, is that she’s not the coddling type. I remember being on the phone with her shortly after I filed and she was like “You’re going to be fine! You’re already fine!” She, herself, left a cheating boyfriend many years ago and has being living very happily as a single person ever since.

In addition to my best friend, I have many other friends who’ve been very supportive. I am particularly grateful for the several older women I have in my life who have life experience with divorce and who have supported me fully through this process (they are like 2nd moms or great aunts). And, each and every one of them can’t stand my ex and what he’s done.

And, I plan on staying in touch with my attorney. She was so supportive and did a fantastic job — I think it motivates a good attorney to work their ass off when someone’s behavior is so egregious.

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
7 years ago

My “Samantha” was a fellow kindy class mom. I was living overseas with cheater and our kids when D-day came. Like me, she was an expat living far from home. We were from different countries, and had vastly different upbringings. You never would’ve thought we could find each other and be friends, in a foreign country. After dropping our kids to kindy, she would invite me to her apartment, make me chicory-root “coffee” (I was having stomach problems from all the stress) which she said was good for my digestion, and she’d let me cry, scream, get mad while she prepared lunch. She is an amazing cook, and would feed me up on homecooked coriander roasted chicken, potato pies and soups. When I had no appetite, she made me eat. Like a pushy italian Aunty haha! EAT!!! Then we’d sit on her balcony and she’d smoke while we cussed cheater out. She was on my side and was mortified by all I was going through, as if she was experiencing it firsthand herself. I never would’ve gotten through it without her. Sad thing is, when I left him at the airport, I also left the country we were living in, and my dear badass friend. I love you Mariana!!! I miss you and your hugs! I hope we get to meet again someday. You’ll never know what you did for me, or how much you mean to me. People come into our lives for a reason. You were my hardass angel, you came to me at just the right time. Bless you always xxx

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago

My sister and my sister from another mother were my saviors. Love these girls.
They spent the first post d day Valentine’s Day with me, made me a beautiful dinner and a banner that said ” Team Mary”,which to this day proudly still hangs on my bathroom mirror.
These ” solid as a rock” friends are great for everything but the post d day talk you off the ledge texts are the best.
You get those texts from your girls that just make it all okay.
Right after d day he openly took the AP on a trip over what would of been our wedding anniversary and when I told my sister, this was the text exchange.
Me: can you believe he’s taking her away for my anniversary????
Sister: I hope they die in a plane crash.
Me: They’re driving.
Sister: I hope they die in a car crash.
Me: They are in the brand new truck WE bought together 2 months ago!!!
Sister: I hope they die in a truck crash.
Me: We have to stop wishing them dead…..bad juju.
Sister: I hope she gives him herpes……and they get badly injured in a truck crash.

?? nothing like a sister when you get fucked over. I think if she saw him she would just thank him for removing himself from my life.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

PaintWidow – your sister rocks. I had similar text exchanges with friends… I have one Samantha who is quite adept with memes… she started a special collection just for me… the best one was a picture of Mr. Rogers giving the middle finger and the words above his head “Fuck You Mr. Sparkles”… still cracks me up.

CN – never lose your ability to laugh… don’t let these fuckwits ever take that.

Sarah
Sarah
7 years ago

I have so many Samanthas, and I could never truly thank them all enough. My sisters and mom, and about four best friends who rallied around me and are still doing so. My survival and eventual healing depended so much on their kindness and their courage for me, when I didn’t have it for myself. They’ve cheered me on, too, as I’ve built a life I love more than I did before. All but two of our mutual friends (who grew up with him, and live in his home country of Israel anyhow) have now de-friended the cheater and OW on all social media, and will not talk to him on the phone or in person. In fact, literally the only person he has in his new country is the OW, and the OW’s friends have abandoned her too due to one of my Samantha’s (formerly OW and my mutual friend) letting everyone know what she had done. Poor lonely sausages. My world keeps expanding and getting more joyous. Their shrinks by the day. I certainly hope they like each other VERY much.

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
7 years ago

::marches up and down the street banging a drum:: THIS POST! THIS POOOOOST!

I have had more than one Samantha too, and I will never get over how validating it was to, after years of covering over all his faults, hear them immediately say “Yes, it does not surprise me that he has done this because of xyz historical actions, yes, you have carried him on your back for a long time and been so valiant, and no, you’re not taking crazy pills. We see this too.” Just the knowledge that my friends were quietly watching and noticing all the ways I took care of my family, while cheater ex sat on the couch, unemployed, with a beer. And that they supported me as best they could, but when it came time to finally shake those shackles off, they were ready. Heaven help people who don’t have friends like those.

Also, I heartily appreciate the fact that my closest Samanthas shun not only the cheater ex, but any switzerland friends. There is power in truth.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

Yep. Sometimes the only thing required to keep me from sliding back into the abyss was “No, you’re not crazy.”

Maree
Maree
7 years ago

My Samantha is me sadly. I fought the battle alone because I was the only one in my corner. People put their collective heads down and push you away. That is my experience except here at CN which saved my life. Even the other day my own sister told me she will not discuss my ex because she wasn’t in our marriage and she does not know what went on even though she has known him for 47 years like I have. The story is long and messy but that is her way of saying keep me out of it. That attitude some years back would have destroyed me but not today. My ex is a very well liked person even though he is 64 years old and living with (married to) a 24 year old SE Asian prostitute. I was his cover of respectability for 40 years and now the mask has slipped he does not care who knows what a predator he is but there isn’t anyone to call him out because he is ‘nice’. Even our 2 adult children love him and cannot see what he is doing is morally wrong. I don’t accept that ‘nice’ old men have sex with illiterate young women from 3rd world countries who are 13 years younger than their own daughter. I am very lucky I am free of that now and my life is lovely.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Friends I thought would be my Samantha turned out to be traitors. I was lucky enough to have one who has stood by me and remained my friend throughout all the humiliation and heartache.
My brother who I thought would be supportive had made remarks such as, it takes two, you must have done something to provoke X which at first I ignored. Recently my brother who hardly spoke to X while we were married has proclaimed that he and X are friends and that whatever went on between X and I has nothing to do with their friendship. WTF??? He relayed the message from X that he just wants me to get on with my life, as he’s gone on with his. In the conversation my brother was siding with X. I couldn’t take anymore. I don’t have anything more to do with him and sadly never will.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

I had a close (male) friend that I thought would be a Samantha, who turned out to be a traitor as well. He was supportive of me and then cheated on his own wife! I am trying to be a Samantha to her now. I have nothing to do with him.

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Oh, ouch! Sorry to hear that Brit. Good for you for going NC. You deserve so much better! Hugs Girlfriend!

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Maree, may I ask – were you an expat living in the SE Asian country with your husband?

Maree
Maree
7 years ago

No I wasn’t lfata. The ex started to travel on his own to these places and he fell in love with the country he now lives in and he also fell in love with the people, the lifestyle etc etc. He paints the dump he lives in as paradise. Seriously, he brags up a storm and he will not be returning to Australia. He has found his true love and he will not be coming back. Good riddance I say.

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Arghhhh, I saw a lot of this where I was living. Deranged&deluded old men with young women. And I know firsthand – the father of my children turned into one. I’m also in Australia, I came home to live the good life with my kids after I left him at the airport. I actually loved the country we were living in, as I’d been there a long time. It was like home to me. Was hard to leave. I will tell you this – these old guys that end up living in SE Asia with girls young enough to be their daughters, from MANY cases I’ve known, they end up coming back to their home country in their old age for the healthcare, and come back to NOTHING! Their finances sucked dry, no house (if they were stupid enough to sell up everything to go live in “paradise”) and no family (that wants to talk to them, anyway). If you had to do this alone and nobody was on your side, then I would seriously question what type of friends and family you have that think it was OK for him to have a sugar baby 13 years younger than his own daughter. Ah, pedofile much? You don’t need those people in your life. I’m in Perth, are you nearby for a coffee?

Maree
Maree
7 years ago

I am in Melbourne. Who knows, I might come over to Perth as I have never visited there yet and I have heard wonderful things about it. I truly hope that you and your children are settled back home and happy. You are lucky to be free of your ex. I know I am very lucky. Didn’t think so in the beginning but I am very grateful to be rid of the predator.

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Yes, I am very grateful ?? But it’s early days yet. I’m one year from D-Day, and I left him in May last year. My kids still struggle a little, as they grew up in the country we were in. They love OZ and are blending in nicely, but still miss certain aspects of living amid the madness of a tropical mega city. Have you emailed Tempest to give your email address? A few of us (Aussie chumps) were emailed last week to provide email addresses for OZ chumps, so we can contact each other.

whodoesthat
whodoesthat
7 years ago

Someone from Perth – great!- SO many of the Asian girls look like the perfect wife it seems like there is an annual exodus of middle aged men living in escapism. I don’t even know who mine cheated with – its still a mystery a year on… dont care to be honest – . How can we get a meet up together!?

Maree
Maree
7 years ago

Yes, I did receive the email from Tempest. I was away for the week so I haven’t responded yet. I will get around to it on my lazy Sunday, I promise! Sorry.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

LHATA–Maree was in the contact list of the Australia chumps email (you all might have to share your CL monikers in that email to make sure everyone knows each other). I hope you can get meetups scheduled!

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Sorry, damn auto correct. lhata !!

Beth
Beth
7 years ago

I had a whole bunch of Samanthas from the Sisterhood of Support which luckily I stumbled into just days after DDay. We planned all sorts of horrible stuff for each other’s partners (the wee willie guillotine was one of my personal favs) and cheered each other on through the dark days much like we do here in CN. My other Samantha is my friend Andy, a high school friend I reconnected with after years of being out of touch. He shored me up, assured me I have worth as a woman (“you’re sexy and beautiful – now get out there and find somebody”), told me my ex was an utter idiot for letting me get away and gave me a brilliant example of what a husband and father is really supposed to look like. Thanks to his encouragement I was able to get through my divorce and have been dipping my toe in the dating pool.

wideawake
wideawake
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Love everything you post Beth, you have major storytelling talent.

Violet
Violet
7 years ago

There were two Samanthas that miraculously appeared on DD. You see, I had been gradually isolated from friends and family over the years and didn’t really have any close friends, just some co-workers who were friendly. The day he assaulted me in front of our small children, I left. One co-worker (who then was attending law school while still working) had the kids and me stay at her house until a temporary protective order could be issued. Another co-worker gave me a money order for $10,000 (indefinite loan, no questions asked – the marks on my body said it all to her) to retain an attorney asap so I could get the protective order and file for divorce. I am forever grateful for these women who went far above and beyond to help. And to this day, even though we moved from the area, one of them still remains a close friend, and I know she has my back.

JBaby
JBaby
7 years ago

I didn’t have anyone really ferociously defending me, but I didn’t need it in the end. My ex came to pick up the kids and my mom went out before them, to serve the divorce papers. He didn’t understand what was happening and thought she was coming out to say hi I guess. He went in for a hug and she stepped back and handed him the papers and told him she was disappointed in him. From that early moment on, I guess he realized I wasn’t keeping his dirty little secret anymore, so he’s avoided my family like a coward. I’ve been completely disdainful in all my dealings with him, never giving him an opening, so he’s crawled off with his tail between his legs for the most part.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  JBaby

Your MOM served him? She’s awesome!

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago

My beloved badass Samantha is icandothis18 who is my twin from a different mother. Her DDay is 6 months after mine – we both have a lot of kids and STBXs who devalued and discarded and our kids have suffered unbearably. We met through a mutual friend. We have each other’s back 24/7 and text and call 24/7. We GET each other.

My experience is that unless someone has livedthrough this they often say and do things that are actually more abusive and unsupportive. Turns out that many of the people in my neighborhood and wider social circle have reveled they had affairs — so disgusting. Those I immediately drop.

I want to mention something about those types though– immediately after DDay a divorced dad of my daughter’s friend (gorgeous, former NFL player) who was a casual acquaintance was at a weekend long kid event. We got to talking and I told him a brief description of what had just happened. He swooped in and became a huge champion for me to leave, was a daily texter with reminders of why I was awesome and cheater was evil and reconciliation futile. In my rage and humiliation and rejection I started to be attracted to him but he had VERY firm boundaries (no dating kids’ friends mom’s, no dating until after divorce is final….). The shocking part: He told me that his marriage ended 10 years earlier when he cheated with a co-worker – said it was the biggest regret of his life and my STBXwould live to hate himself and what he was doing. Once I found CL and learned more about cheaters, narcs and BPDs I distanced myself from this guy but I never forget the Samantha qualities he had in those first dark dark dark months. It’s oxymoronic, I know.

S and D
S and D
7 years ago

While going through false reconciliation, the STBXW was gaslighting like crazy and best of all lavishing me with all the kinds of sex we’d never had! I was falling hard for the mindfuck and was considering handing over all the evidence of her affairs as her mom and the cheater ex continued to work on me mentally ” how could we ever reestablish trust and intimacy if I kept all that blackmail” The cheater was literally chasing me down multiple times a day for anytime/anywhere wild sex and I was close to giving in. She really loved me not the tennis pro/next door neighbor/her best friend’s husband/guy on our mixed doubles team! Luckily my best friend wished me the best with the wreckonciliation, told me to enjoy the wild sex while it lasted, but wisely warned me that it was likely all an act. He advised me to copy everything and send the original evidence to stash in his safe (which I did). Once all the emails/texts/phone bills were safely locked up in my buddies safe, I handed over the evidence – stomach churning love letters and planning for hookups as she’d leave her computer/phone open when drinking heavily and even mistakingly sent me a few texts meant for the true love(s) . As soon as she had the evidence in hand and she was sure the originals were deleted off my electronics, the love bombing came to a screeching halt and she was back to full blown cheating mode. Imagine her surprise when all the evidence reappeared in discovery ! Thanks Best Friend!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  S and D

That’s major agency. Mighty!

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago
Reply to  S and D

APPLAUSE!

I made sure my lawyer had copies of everything, lest I make the same mistake in a weakened moment.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  S and D

S and D
That is an astonishing and cautionary tale.
Thank goodness for your friend !

MsMachete
MsMachete
7 years ago

I had a Samantha. I am a Samantha. And I’m crying my eyes out reading about all y’all’s Samanthas and absences of Samanthas. <3

sara
sara
7 years ago

Sorry folks – this is going to be a long one. I have several Samanthas (and Sams, for that matter). The top two are as follows: Naturally, course Chump Lady. I wouldn’t still be breathing without her. My other Samantha should be Sainted. OW called me drunk at 1:30 am one week before Christmas 2015. Mind you, I had just severely broken my ankle in three places and was recovering from surgery (2 clamps and 7 screws, but that’s another story). OW knew about my STBX was married from the very beginning, and was aware that I have 3 young children. Ironically, OW is divorced with 2 kids because ….. drum roll….. her husband cheated. She called to tell me that she had been in an affair with my husband for 9 months, and had just found out that he fucked another slut and apparently that pissed her enough to call me. She also texted me naked pics of him in her bed. Seared into my brain…..

But I digress.

I called my Samantha at 1:45 am ON A SCHOOL NIGHT. She has eight – count them eight – children. She immediately came over and began ordering me around (I was on a knee scooter so in hindsight it was pretty funny.) She told me to get my black Hefty bags and white kitchen garbage bags. Then she began sorting through his shit. His suits, ties, and anything nice went to Good Will in the black bags. The old crap that she decided he was allowed to have she placed into white trash bags. Then she laid them on our front lawn covered with my wedding dress, framed family photos and a framed wedding photo along with some crap gifts he had given me over the years. It was quite the display! She called him and told him he might want to pick his shit up before the neighbors saw, which he didn’t. A few neighbors saw before he raced over in his fuckmobile (BMW of course – no offense to BMW users but I hate that fucking car.) So some of the neighbors saw him scrambling to pick up the trash bags and my wedding dress, stuff them in his car and then hightail it out of there. That took about four hours; Then, God Bless my Samantha, she drove my kids to school. She has one of the most awesome husband in the world. He is the one who woke her up to tell her that I needed her and to rush over to my house. He got all eight kids ready for school (3 different schools) and to school on time.

I hope every chump has a friend like my Samantha. She has been my rock and voice of reason throughout all of this. Love you CN!

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  sara

That is one great Samantha! Women really brook no bullshit when the chips are down, y’know? I had a work friend (whose dad was a cheater, so she saw it all happen to her mom, the devastating aftermath) who, when I told her XH was moving his stuff out of the house that evening, said, “You cannot be in that house. Come here to my house and … you just cannot be in that house.” I was still paralyzed with “what am I supposed to be doing right now” deer in the headlights behavior, and she got me out of the road.

My sister (also a chump) is not a ragey person, but she has had a quiet persistent wisdom and acceptance that helped me see it was over from the beginning, there was no “chance” for us. And another wise friend who talked to me every day was one of the few from whom I could accept “I cannot hate him, because I don’t know him” because his whole personality is wise, zen, pacifist, but he was unwavering in his support of me.

Samantha-wise, though, I had two:
1. A mutual friend who I always thought was a better friend of XH than of me, one of only five people at our wedding (we got married on skis on a mountaintop), who, when I told him (having learned this was the “right” thing to say) that I didn’t expect him to be angry, interrupted me and almost yelled, “Oh, I’m angry. I’m so angry with him I don’t know WHAT to do!” I don’t know if he ever chewed XH out or not, but just hearing HIS good friend be angry with his behavior was very moving; and

2. An old friend from work (and I wonder sometimes if people who lacked Samantha’s didn’t work in friend-cultivating environments, since nearly all of my current friends I met while working with them) who, every single time I would say, Well, this or that…. would reply, “I still want to punch that motherfucker in the neck.” LOVE her!

(Oh, and there was one [veterinary] client whose pets I’d seen for years who whispered to me, after a visit with one of her dogs, “You know, I could have my brothers beat the shit out of him in the alley behind his restaurant. Just say the word….” 🙂 I didn’t, but, boy, it was fun to roll that one around in my head for a couple of minutes.)

Dee
Dee
7 years ago
Reply to  sara

Sara…. your Samantha is a keeper. Love this story. Cheers to strong female friends!

Sara
Sara
7 years ago
Reply to  sara

Oh I forgot to mention that she topped the whole pile off with the fuckers CPAP. Just the CPAP. No case. He really doesn’t want people to know he needs that.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Sara

I’m in love with your Samantha! What a great human being. Thanks for sharing your story. I’m inspired.

Beth
Beth
7 years ago
Reply to  Sara

That is one of the most awesome stories I’ve ever heard!

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago

My main Samantha is my mom. When my baby was in the hospital in November, I left the room to get a shower and STBX was in my daughter’s room alone with my mom. I will probably never know what all she said, but the parts I do know make me smile. Unfortunately, I am sure nothing she said took root, but I am glad she let him have it.

I also have my sisters and a few good friends who I can talk to. One in particular, who is also divorced from a less than stand up guy. Every time STBX does something particularly shitty, I can send her a text and tell her. She will always have my back. Funny thing is that I wasn’t particularly close with her before all this. I think she knew I needed someone who would understand. When chumps help chumps, it is especially mighty!

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago

Most of you know about my mutual-Samantha friendship with 4a..m. 4ever. I may not have posted about my “shoulder spirit” sisters (as in: http://www.publicationcoach.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/285-homer1.jpg.pagespeed.ce.uB9BcjCXNp.jpg) who were also there for me in Samantha-like fashion every step of the way.

Sister 1 — “Gabriel” — was the angel on one shoulder. She took the calmed, reasoned strategic approach to everything. She listened to every rant and rave and bitch and moan I had so spew, then corralled me and helped me figure out how to most productively address it. Her Samantha comments took this form: “The reason she’s doing this is because (a) she’s once again looking for someone to pay attention to her, (b) she’s not willing to take any responsibility for what she’s done, (c) she enjoys the drama of throwing hissy fits, and (d) she’s batshit crazy.”

Sister 2 — “Beelzebub — was the demon on the other shoulder. She also listened intently to everything I had to say, then would start listing all of KK’s deficiencies and past discretions and offering creative suggestions for how she could be made to suffer for it. Her Samantha comments took this form: “Who the fuck does shit like this? What kind of demented mind justifies treating people this way?! You KNOW now that she’s a c—, don’t you? Have you thought at all about taking that vibrating purple dildo, cramming it down her fucking throat, turning it on and then posting video of it on Youtube?”

Lothos
Lothos
7 years ago

Can I borrow Samantha as a friend.

Hell she sounds awesome, is she single? I would love to date her!

Indomitable
Indomitable
7 years ago

My Samantha friends did not write such a letter but they immediately went to work with me to follow him on outings with prostitutes and get photos of them. They shunned him in face to face encounters and cut off all contact. He is never mentioned by these friends in the presence of my children – they make it as if he never existed. I am so very grateful for these friends.

It has given me enormous pleasure to be a Samantha friend post D-Day. I found a new courage. A neighbour’s husband of 40+ years was discovered to have been fucking around on her for years. He tried to continue to give friendly greetings and cheery waves from the driveway (as his wife wept inside the house). I stopped and glared at him each time, standing there until he got in his car and left or went in the house. It took about five such events before he started to bolt from the front door to his car with sunglasses on to avoid any encounters. Another asshole fuck-around husband of my dear friend from England had the nerve to email me to ask if he and their son could come for a visit. I wrote back (and copied my friend so that he would know that she knew) to say that it was not convenient and asked where he got all the money for travel. I asked if his ex-wife who had supported and raised the children all by herself wouldn’t be entitled to some of that money or perhaps the creditors from his recent bankruptcy. Never heard from that asshole again.

I had other Switzerland friends whom I dumped although it took a while. I was lost in a haze after D Day and it took time (not a very long time) for me to face the fact that they were as two-timing as he was.

PutAForkInMe
PutAForkInMe
7 years ago

Thank God for Samanthas! I have four, count’em, FOUR Samanthas in my life and I feel incredibly blessed. My sister is my main Samantha – she takes my calls at 3:00 am if I need her, talks me down when I’m sobbing hysterically in my basement while my daughter is upstairs, and lets me know that despite what HE says this is NOT my fault and I did NOTHING to deserve this – I deserve better. My other three Samanthas are local friends – they take me out to lunch and let me vent and ply me with alcohol when I need it. And, most importantly, they are NOT Switzerland friends – it drives him up the wall to think that there are people out there who know who he is, especially since the local friends have husbands that he considers “friends” (can narcissists have real friends? I don’t think so…) – but I don’t care, I have a support system, and I ain’t letting it go!

PhysicsGal
PhysicsGal
7 years ago

I had two all star Samnthas. My emergency contact Samantha in city that stored documents, had us to Xmas dinner, put up Xmas lights, shovelled my driveway and supported me with gallons of coffee. My sister Samantha that took a weeks vacay to come to my house so I could attend the mandatory divorce course to pursue legal separation. She and my daughter re organizes my closet to fill the empty gap left behind from his clothes, and she sifted thru every memory keeper helping me to delete him from my life less than a month after I threw him out. No chance to obsess when he’s been literally exsponged from the home. And pitch hit Samantha’s, a dear bff that kept reminding me of Gloria Steinmans easy on successful versus unsuccessful people – how the thinking person looks in a mirror and can see their past, present and future and see how their actions have impacted and will impact those around them while the unsuccessful narc looks in the mirror and sees nothing but themselves past, present and future. Her along with CL has made me analyze the wasbands actions under – how does this benefit him?, a high school friend that was a year ahead of me taking me out for hockey on my birthday and a listening ear for all my tirades as she had been there.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  PhysicsGal

I totally love this way of thinking about how narcissists view life differently:

“And pitch hit Samantha’s, a dear bff that kept reminding me of Gloria Steinmans essay on successful versus unsuccessful people – how the thinking person looks in a mirror and can see their past, present and future and see how their actions have impacted and will impact those around them while the unsuccessful narc looks in the mirror and sees nothing but themselves past, present and future.”

JC
JC
7 years ago

After a few years of dating, I moved across the country with my fiancé.

So, by the time she got around to cheating on me (as my wife) five years later, we had made some friends in our new city. But the large majority were “her” friends (or at least became “her” friends during the divorce).

So, “my” few new friends did say that my wife sucked…but they didn’t have the “back story.” They just knew I was married and my wife cheated. So, they logically agreed I should divorce.

It was the OLD friends from back home that really got angry. I rarely saw them during or after the divorce. And even now, having moved back, I don’t see them much.

But when I do, they rant! They spew forth explicatives about my ex wife. Even now, years later! They have no patience for her or anyone who is friends with her. Even some tangential acquaintances from here totally hate my ex.

And I think that’s because these old friends saw the whole story–saw me fall in love, hard, and her fall in love “hard,” and saw how we apparently had this life plan all figured out. They saw how I sacrificed by moving for her, but that “we” were so in love that it would be an amazing life together…

…so given my ex destroyed that life, these old friends “tell it like it is.” No sugar coating. No “shared blame.”

“Fuck her” is the most common refrain.

GraceInMotion
GraceInMotion
7 years ago

My brother. Emotionally and financially, he is my Samantha. He has been there for me 100%. He bailed me out of jail when I knocked the crap out of my STBX when I found another hidden email. He is with me when I am turned up into the fetal position. He convinces me to reconsider renting a backhoe so I can bury Turdd, in the desert, alive. G-d bless that man.

CourtneyS
CourtneyS
7 years ago

Samantha is a fucking American hero.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago

My best friend flew 2000 miles and spent 3 weeks with me during the polar vortex weather event after D-Day–she went from warm weather and sunny skies to weeks of below zero weather, snow, and horrific wind chill. She made me get up and go outside. We stacked wood. We made beds for the deer in the woods out of the old leaves bagged up in the garage (the polar weather hit so hard I didn’t want the garbage guys to have to get out of their trucks to collect them). We fed birds and other critters who were feeling the cold. I had adopted a new cat who was so scared she got stuck in the ceiling in the old garage that is now “basement,” so she helped me saw a hole in the ceiling and patch it up. We cooked. She listened for hours. She rubbed my feet. She got me off my couch at night and into the bedroom. She helped me start to think about my future. She rubbed my feet. She helped me imagine life “alone” as a good thing. She made me feel loved and lovable. And all of that helped me to see that having a male partner maybe isn’t all that important.