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UBT: “My heart is now open and the feelings are felt.”

Dear Chump Lady,

I am 2 months post D-Day 2 of being chumped by my supposed partner. Of course after I blew his gig with whore #2, he has now gone back to whore #1 and they constantly rub it in my face on social media. He never faced me after D-Day 2 (I walked out) nor barely said any apology after I exposed him. I got a one-liner email and a crappy note. Would you mind decoding this? It’s clearly written in passive voice, with no real ownership of cheating and no remorse. I’d like to hear your take on it.

Dear Chumpy,

My heart is now open and the strong feelings are felt.
As these words are written tears drop down my eyes more than I can remember.
The suffering I have caused, the hearts that have been broken, the pain is felt.
You are more than words I can write. More home than the feelings of home.
Yet, I cannot have you and this is the truth.
No need for forgiveness or sympathy here,
I am broken beyond repair.
Moving on moving forward.
In the deepest closet in the back of your mind, please please please know, when I see you, I see light.

Serial Cheater


Dear Chumpy,

Wow. This is more than words I can write. The suffering. The strong feelings felt.

Where can the Universal Bullshit Translator begin? It’s like if Monsanto bred cut-rate Valentines with robots, but only gave the robots head injuries, they might speak like this.

BllllrrrrWWWHEEK! Pain. Is. Forward. Hearts! Pain. Truth. Is.

(Other robot) PHHPpppttttWEEEEIsh! Closet. Felt? Deepest!

BllllrrrrWWWHEEK! Drops. Open. Down. My. Sympathy.

I guess I can’t leave it there. You want the UBT to translate this gibberish. Sigh…. Spoiler alert: this guy isn’t very deep.

My heart is now open and the strong feelings are felt.

I can’t say what feelings, but they’re strong! And FELT. Those feeling things. That hearts have.

As these words are written tears drop down my eyes more than I can remember.

Who wrote the words? Thousand-year-old monkeys in rooms trapped with typewriters.

Tears drop down my eyes to think of sad, trapped monkeys. Tears from my eyes, as opposed to other body parts. Like elbows or open hearts.

Many tears! More than I can remember. (I don’t remember too good.) But it was a LOT. I felt them!

The suffering I have caused, the hearts that have been broken, the pain is felt.

I am powerful. Behold my awesome kibbles! I break hearts and cause suffering, but I will never write in the active voice. I’d rather you think the pain “felt” is mine. The sad sausage suffers.

You are more than words I can write. More home than the feelings of home.

You are more than words I can write. I use the best words. Words like MORE. And “feelings.”

Yet, I cannot have you and this is the truth.

You dumped me.

I wouldn’t know the truth, even if I was trapped for a thousand years in a room full of sad monkeys with typewriters. And the monkeys wouldn’t let me out until I told the truth. And every time I said “feelings!”, they would concuss me with a typewriter. And fling their poop. Pain would be felt. This is the truth.

No need for forgiveness or sympathy here,

Sad sausages always forgive themselves.

I am broken beyond repair.

There’s always a nugget of truth in the bullshit. This is your nugget.

Moving on moving forward.

Keep on trucking. Turn that frown upside down. If you find a cliche, set it free.

In the deepest closet in the back of your mind, please please please know, when I see you, I see light.

In the deepest closet, in the back, where all the dust bunnies, clutter, and black mold lives? Kon Mari my ass. Please, please, please.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Euwwww! Gag!

    To think that I fell for that shit once upon a time. Can’t you see my SENSITIVITY!

    Wow, he MUST BE DEEEP! There is HOPE and POTENTIAL HERE!

    [till the next wham with the insensitive selfish 4×4]

    The only feeling these people have, is for themselves.

    • Wow – just lost my breakfast and won’t be able to eat lunch. Knowing there are so many jerks out there is disappointing, nauseating, and disgusting. I so wish I could go back in time and start over….

      • I laughed a good hour. I called some
        people and read it to them in a depressing voice that some guy would sound like who thinks they are a poet but really sucks lol

        • Oh thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this priceless turd! I haven’t laughed so hard in quite a while. I needed that! If my soon-to-be-ex was to suddenly lose his new love (you know, the younger upgrade he traded me in for), he might come up with something like this in his time of loneliness. Thank you for the translation, so if I were to ever receive anything remotely similar I will know exactly what it means!

    • Gag….this beauty deserved for you to walk up to him and punch him right in the face….that’s what he deserves insulting someone’s intelligence with that bullshit….how fucking dare someone you low life…..

      • I laughed a good hour. I called some
        people and read it to them in a depressing voice that some guy would sound like who thinks they are a poet but really sucks lol

  • Apparently mine had ‘cried all his tears’ just forgot to tell me during the ensuing 20 + years of his eternal suffering . what’s another lie to add to the list? Right to reply ? As I asked for therapy to get get closure on a blindsided occurance ? ‘There s no point my feelings won’t change ‘ NO dummy its me who needs the feelings sorted out !!
    ? They never get it cos its been about them the whole time . … So why would your feelings come in to it.

    • whodoesthat, X also endured 20 plus years of misery and forgot to inform me of his endless suffering. All those years he suffered in silence knowing I never loved him. All news to me.
      I suggested therapy, X said no, he was done, he had made up his mind.
      It never crossed his mind how his decision to destroy our family would impact me or our son.
      All he thought about was himself. You’re absolutely right, looking back everything revolved around him, X was never concerned about anyone other than himself.
      Family conversations were about him, he spent hoursin the mirror.
      I’m foolish to have expected anything different.

      • Brit, were we married to the same douche bag? Mine also “apparently” suffered for 24 years and “couldn’t” say anything because he “could never” tell me anything. I apparently wouldn’t let him. Say wha’???? The mofo is an attorney who negotiates multi-million dollar deals and screams F’bombs at other lawyers without batting an eye. He was “miserable and hated everything about our kids, our family and home for 10 years and had to fuck other women to deal with his suffering.” Sick fucker. He’ll suffer alone and hated by everyone who knows him now. When he tried his sad sausage crap at trial the Judge snidely told him what he thought of him.

        STBX also never thought about anyone but himself. His so called “happiness” (the lust he felt for the current slut at first) was paramount even to our suicidal childrens’ well being. I loathe him now.

        • MotherChumper, sounds like my guy too. Except mine was an international do-gooder lawyer — which made it all the more fun to screw prostitutes while working against, among other things, human trafficking. Got paid to talk, yet could not talk at home and decided, subsequent to D-Day, that it was because I would not let him talk to me that he needed to screw dozens and dozens of prostitutes around the world. From the very beginning of our relationship. Also, in a prior relationship — his law school girlfriend also drove him to screw prostitutes because he felt like he could not talk to her.

        • Yes, the Crazy is strong with these idiots. My ex had no sympathy for what he did to me or our daughter, bringing his whore AND her kids into the picture barely a week after I fled our home (in the winter, barely 1 month post radiation/ 2 months post chemo, bald and weak, etc – but who’s tabulating?) And if it weren’t for the fact that she was at college and staying at her Sorority, she’d have had to live in the Hoarder’s Paradise with her Dad and his Ho and the gang. Every text from him proclaimed how sad he was, or how bad our marriage was (there was much occillation) but never, NEVER, has he ever expressed sympathy for what he’s done to our daughter. I’m glad she is grown but it has certainly been an adjustment, dealing with a parent who was weak from treatment and trying to recover and a Crazy Wingnut who wants to be your best freaky friend and have you rubber-stamp his deviance. He and his Fetlife whore are made for each other, I thank God every day I’m gone and that my daughter will graduate college and then have her own home with her fiance – and barely have to deal with her crazy father.

        • That seems to be a key feature from The Cheater’s Playbook: “I TRIED to tell you I was unhappy, but you wouldn’t let me.” Whatever, dick.

          • Same thing here after 29 years of marriage. However, when I discovered he was posting on Craigslist using his picture no less and stating he was married looking for discretion, I knew it was over. Afterward he was telling everyone how unhappy he had been for years. All news to me! He has essentially abandoned his family for his new life. I’m back in school at age 50, picking up the pieces and dealing with all the fallout. As I struggle to pay the bills, he is on yet another vacation. Apparently, back in our hometown showing off his whore. He has no shame. The divorce won’t be finalized until October. It makes me sick to my stomach. He never even called his kids on Christmas. Our oldest called him and he was short with her because he was busy with his whores family. Who does shit like this and where is that karma bus already???

  • Yea Patsy…the shit is so deep here I need galoshes to wade through it and I cant see for the sulfuric stench making my tears drop down, more more…and the smell of shit is more than I can write.

  • On the forgive themselves bit mine would say : I could have done things different but once pandoras box was open ….. Blah fuxvkin blah no it was all part of the grand plan cos if u have no conscience tjen anything is possible

  • Dear Chump Lady,
    Thank you for decoding my post. The monkeys and typewriters brought a laugh to me this morning. Oh and the black mold in the closet lol where i shall stufff the memories of this horrific serial cheater next to. But in all seriousness when I received this note 3 days after DD2 I actually laughed despite the shock I was in. I read it and all I could do was laugh and say what? What? What is this? It was enclosed with a sticker. Yeah a sticker. It’s like the John Cusack movie ” I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen” replaced with “i gave him my heart and he gave me a sticker.” Thanks for pointing out the kibbles, sad sausage of feeling only HIS supposed pain and forgiving himself! Notice there was not not one direct sentence to me at all about my pain, my suffering. When he says heart(s) i guessing he speeaks of gig#2 as well as I suspect she didnt know. After 2.5 years and breaking up a pseudo family I get a sh** note and a sticker. Thanks CL!

    • Do tell, Chumpy, what was it the sticker? One of those wildlife stickers pediatricians give kids who don’t cry during a vaccination? A Care Bear sticker? Mutant Ninja Turtles? A rainbow?

      Thank you for your service; tolerating that shallow puddle of a human being for as many years as you did was an act of charity. Hope you’re doing better now.

      • Yea, Im totally with Tempest…what is on the sticker?

        CL was also right about the truth nugget, he IS broken beyond repair.

        How I envy those who got the chance to tell the Cheater that they have overplayed their hand…Im sure if I had lived it, it wouldn’t have been as satisfying as my imagination makes it, but I still like to imagine.

        • “I am broken beyond repair.”–Chumpy’s Cheater

          I agree with CL and you, Unicornomore. When they spew a bunch of hot air and verbiage about “their” supposed pain and suffering at being found out, there is often a nugget of truth in all the steaming pile.

          In a long monologue defending his “need” to cheat he said, “Look, I know I’m fucked up.”

          Basically, this was the only true statement that came out of his mouth in regards to his cheating.

          Maybe we could have a Nuggets of Truth post where we share these gems? Like after overindulging in heavy food and drink on a bender and then eating a single carrot is going to make things balanced. Cheaters’ thinking is so skewed.

          • Mine said: “Muse, I was a twisted person when you met me, and I’m still a twisted person.” Truer words he never spoke.

            • So, either way Muse, you get the blame: for not choosing a better, untwisted person, or, for not being able to fix him.

          • I asked for a divorce after finding out about X’s affair from 8 years prior. He asked me to reconsider as “I was an asshole 8 years ago, I’m not an asshole now.” He was 1/2 right.

        • I have to say before this I was never an arguer. (Sad sausage time for me) I get overwhelmed with emotion and totally melt down when I’m fighting. I just can’t get out what I’m trying to say because I just bawl my eyes out and have to stop. But since d-day I’ve found my arguement voice and really gave it a good workout. And we’ve been back and forth SO MUCH with his same stupid excuses and sad sausage bullshit that I’ve been able to really give it to him sometimes. And it does feel good. It feels particularly good to call him on his bullshit. He says things that he later says “I didn’t say that! You’re twisting my words!”

          Text fighting is particularly obnoxious BUT he went on a rant about how he cheated FOR me! So he could be nicer and stay in our marriage! See whoremat was nice and made him feel good about himself. Wifey was evil and made him feel bad about himself. So by telling whoremat how amazing and understanding and perfect she was, then fucking whoremat he was really doing ME a favor! When I mentioned it was REALLY nice and selfless of him to go whore fucking Just For Me he got pissed that I was “twisting his words”. Until I screenshot EXACTLY what he said to me and then somehow he had no response about word twisting.

          Apparently being fucking NICE to your WIFE instead of some FUCKING WHORE was beyond his comprehension. Happy wife equals happy life. But somehow not all that happy wife still managed to be cheerful and loving and bring him gifts and bake him fucking cookies and make his fucking dinner ? But unhappy STBX could only WALLOW in his own fucking pity and WAAAAAHHHHH to that WHORE and throw away EVERYTHING because he just Couldn’t Take It Anymore. ?

        • I think one problem that too many Chumps have is that we get so used to them lying that they may very well speak a truth and we don’t hear them…were too busy fixing everything.

          I got into a massive “SAVE THIS MARRIAGE AT ALL COSTS!!” mentality that he said horrible shit to me in the wake of D day and I didnt listen or realize that he meant it.

          One day after I learned of OW, he said to me “For years I hoped that someone who would love you would come along and steal you away” (he wanted me gone but didnt want the smear of dumping his wife, if I had run off with someone it would have fixed everything). I thought he was talking shit like when he said “OW loves me more than you do!” or “OW is better than you because she eats vegetables for breakfast”.

          So in there somewhere, there was truth I would have benefitted from if I had let myself realize it was true….he wanted to get rid of me for YEARS.

          When we were engaged, he said he wanted to “postpone” the wedding because I was still in love with Craig. I didn’t love Craig. What I didnt hear is “I want to postpone the wedding” (until I can run like hell since I dont want to get married but Im too much of a coward to admit it since I told you many times that we would get married).

          When we first married, he told me “you are in love with an image” …I told him he was silly. I thought he meant that I loved him only because he went to a fancy school or fit some demographic. I didnt realize that he was warning me that he wasnt what he presented himself out to be.

          Sometimes they tell us the Gospel Truth – we need to listen.

          • Unicornomore, I believe this to be extremely accurate. It seems so many of these men are cowardly, and their way of dealing with things is dropping little crumbs of information over the years, hoping their wives take the hint. But many of us are so frightened of the possibility, we immediately go on the defensive…the “pick me” dance when something deep in our gut tells us things aren’t quite right…so we focus instead on all of our perceived shortcomings, and all the way that we will become enough, instead of paying attention to what they are trying to say in their own gutless ways. Ironically, I believe that once caught, many men panic and try and pretend they are something they are not. Instead of being brave, and leaving, allowing their wives to find men who actually do love and respect them, they are ultimately too concerned with impression management. Sadly, these same men will continue to be serial cheaters while their wives continue to put their heads in the sand and believe them. Terribly sad, awfully pathetic, and so much more common than we might all imagine.

            • I never knew my ex was cheating, until the day he stated he wanted a divorce. Then of course everything over the last few years made a sick kind of sense. We had just pulled though a difficult family trauma but I believe he “lived the lie” because I was worthy and our family made his life beautiful. We were darn near perfect.? I provided him the facade to hide behind. I believe our marriage blew up because his life spun out of control and his AP gave him an ultimatum. He already knew what my choice would be (we had had that discussion when we were dating). When he asked me for a divorce it was out of the blue, we had just returned from a very expensive family vacation where he was, of course, an absolute asshole (this too escalated over time) but still pretending to be Mr. Nice Guy around everybody else. Looking back he had been steadily disengaging. I was trusting though, extremely competent, loved him, and stupidly believed he was going through something. I was secure though. Smug. He had pursued me for many years before we married. I am a great caring warm woman, not a model though. I didn’t suspect he was unhappy with me (himself maybe, his job, not being good enough in a sport he loved) until that last year (devalue phase) but I didn’t think he would ever destroy us. It is what he did though. While He was a great father and a good partner in those early years, he often inexplicably made selfish (hurtful to me) choices and those pointed to an inability to place others’ needs before his own. Sometimes I was okay with that, I didn’t want a partner telling me what to do all the time and I wasn’t always going to agree with all his decisions. Later we did not enjoy the same people (his crowd at the racquetball gym were a crappy immoral bunch) and he slowly carved out a very compartmentalized life. He did not spend a great deal of time at home. Not unusual though. Our family was one part, work another, and his racquetball life another. The kids and I went to the gym in the early years but he grew more uncomfortable with us there. One of the kids recently stated that they “should have been pros with a father who spent as much time as he did at the club.” Over the years what he wanted to do became more about him doing it alone and without us, the kids and I. Of course I attributed his crappy behavior to life challenges (work, deaths in the family, moves, every day stresses, good things and bad), and him needing time to unwind but who the fuck blows up a life? I wasn’t unaware so much as busy. Every time he had a choice, he always chose what he wanted. Looking back, odd decisions of his over the last few years should have signaled he was checking out, fucking someone else, and planning to blow up our marriage. Very few hours at home. Big crazy purchases. Financial decisions that didn’t make sense. Crappy behavior, disrespect, devaluing, belittling behavior those last few years (of a 26 year relationship). In spite of it all I didn’t see it coming. But one thing I know is that it is on him. If he was unhappy with ME, unattracted to me, unhappy with being a father, then he should have told me. And sooner than year 20 of marriage.

              • Yes, exactly the same start to my story…I knew he was an asshole, but he was MY asshole. I had NO IDEA that he was cheating at the time and wildly had no idea he had cheated before. (Realizing how easy it was for him to pull off the last affair is a huge clue to his long term cheating…if he werent an expert by then, he would likely have been caught).

                Your words exactly…crappy, disrespecting, belittling and still thought he would never cheat and never leave…when the truth came out everything suddenly made perfect sense in the saddest, most pathological way.

                When the kids were little, he got into graduate school…it was a 2.5 yr program so we sold our house and moved as a family..he told me to just stay behind and he would return in 2.5 years…that sounded so absurd to me I ignored it completely. During the move, he did everything he could to sabotage us joining him while simultaneously trying to look like he was working towards the goal of getting us there. I had strange ailments while we lived there…I now see my body was lashing out at the stress. He was trying to get us to leave because fuckfest.

              • Drew, mine did tell me he was unhappy a few years before D-day. Every suggestion I made to him about trying to help himself he knocked back. He was horrible to me the last few years because they are lazy and want someone else to do all the work. I am unhappy – you fix it. I am unhappy – you leave so I can play the sympathy card. My response now is you are a dick – good riddance.

              • Oh my goodness, you’re so right. I truly sympathize with you. Your post hits so close to home.

                Mine bought a two-sweater convertible and then proceeded to total it. He couldn’t afford the huge, red SUV that he replaced it with either. There’s some karma in life though, he was side swiped a week after D-Day and is sleeping in this car after being homeless. He could have stayed with his mom, but she has no hot water or heat. His mom is also pretty angry at him because she was going to ask us (by that I mean me) for a loan/gift to pay these bills. She obviously can’t now since he cheated. I can’t believe I was going to take care of him and his horrible family for the rest of my life.

              • Tennis. My ex-cheater played 4 hours of tennis 4 nights a week. I worked my ass off to subsidize his career as an underpaid paid public defender. When he quit me, he quit the public defender’s office too, so he could make more money. Good riddance. Now I am just as alone but I am no longer lonely, and me and the kids have lots more time and money to enjoy ourselves.

            • QueenB, yes…cowardly to an extreme. Interesting too…if I had ever called him a coward to his face when he was alive, it would have hurt him to his bones, but I never did…I was very kind and fair…I also had no idea as to how big of a coward he was.

              He had assured me, repeatedly, over the course of our courtship that we would marry and have a family…trouble was very non committal as to when …he gave a nebulous, confusing answers when asked. At first that was OK but then his military career took him to live other places. So I had a boyfriends of 3 years who I loved and we would marry “someday”, somewhere when something happened…in the mean time, I was supposed to invest in my career in my own home town that I would later trash when we married and I moved all the time. He said “we CANT get married” but all our friends were.

              I was considering moving to live with him (very hard and looked down upon in the military at that time) but changed my mind… it was sink or swim time. I told him I was ready to move on if he wasn’t ready to commit. At the time we lived in separate states, I had a job, apt, car…I was fine. If he said “I will not marry you” I would have cried and gone out with someone else. He was too weak though…we married and he had the best scapegoat ever….best reason to fuck over a wife ever..”you MADE me get married”. cowardly fucker…all he had to say was “no”.

              • When you are in the throes of a life meltdown with a pathological liar and serial cheater, it feels like you are the only one in the world. What has amazed me since finding this site is what I once found so incredibly unique (certainly not in a good way) is anything but. I read these posts, and I almost feel like someone must have handed out a playbook to all interested in leading a double life. They all have a great deal in common. We all have our unique twists to be sure, but even the compartmentalizing thing rings a very common bell. My partner was born and raised in a foreign country, and then left after college to work in Paris for a couple of years. He had such anxiety leaving his family that at the ripe old age of 21, he saw a counselor in Paris to help him cope with the stress of it all. He said the counselor taught him how to “compartmentalize” his life in order to deal with the stress and anxiety. Little did I know then that it is also a great life skill to have when you are juggling lies and women. This is why I also sincerely believe that reconciliation is a joke. How anyone could look a serial cheater of 20 years in the face and believe them that “this time” they will stop… absolutely astounds me. I have worked with two women who went through a cheating discovery, both of whom stayed because their husbands cried and groveled, assured them that it would never happen again. Divorce is difficult, but it’s nothing compared to committing…committing to be disrespected, lied to and played for the rest of your days. How exactly does one go about staring into the face of a confirmed liar, serial cheater, and master of compartmentalizing, and believe, with even one shred of their brain, that it will ever stop? I suppose, it is a twisted version of the pick me dance. As in, see, he is staying… he must love me, he must want me, surely he respects me. And though nothing surprises me anymore, it still makes me ill what evil, soul less bastards they are.

              • Uni, ” He was too weak though…we married and he had the best scapegoat ever….best reason to fuck over a wife ever..”you MADE me get married”. cowardly fucker…all he had to say was “no”.”
                Same thing with x. My daughter calls him the “child bride” because he whined so much about being “made” to marry me. Cowards and con artists is what they are, always looking for the best return in their “investment” wanting someone to love them but not actually committing to the vows.

          • The stupid part about him wanting someone to love you and steal you away is that if this guy existed you WOULDN’T HAVE GONE! Because you aren’t a fucking robot monster like your ex is. You could have met the real true actual God given SOULMATE and you wouldn’t have been swept away by him. Because you made a vow and you stuck to it! Sure you may have met this amazing perfect man and then eventually considered this guy is way better than my husband. And my relationship sucks and now I’d like out to try at a new life. But he hoped you’d do the same thing to him that he did to you?! It’s so twisted and sick their thinking! A real adult realizes this relationship isn’t working for me. And then you get divorced. Like actual human beings! OR you don’t freaking say to someone “let’s get married” and then just keep going for 20 years or something! WTF is wrong with them?! (Obviously more than can ever be fixed but SERIOUSLY!)

            • Ditto! Who the fuck at year 20+!?!?!? Ex had plenty of opportunities…. But to screw over your kids as well? What a legacy!

            • exactly right!! If Mr Soulmate came along, I would have done the decent and noble thing and told him I was married and committed to my whole family which included Major Cheaterpants.

              At one point, I actually prayed to God that if a perfect guy were out there, one who I might be tempted to cheat with, that he be kept far from me so that I wouldnt hurt my family any more than had already happened.

              • A decent man would never pursue a married woman.
                I worked with a great guy when I was first married. We got along great but he changed shifts and eventually moved on to another job. Years later another coworker told me that “Ted” had a crush on me. I said “I had no idea.” He said “of course you didn’t. You were married. He never would have said anything to you.” Why? Because I was married. And he was a good man who would never have put me in an uncomfortable situation.

            • Exactly Sad Shelby, Early in our marriage X was unemployed for over two years, during that time he got fat, and depressed. Leaving him for someone who had a job never entered my mind.
              A married person makes a conscious choice to have a relationship with another person. They’e not under a hypnotic trans that suddenly overtakes them.

              Cheaters aren’t happy and blame us for their unhappiness. They become hyper-critical to justify their decision to cheat. Once made they’re actively searching.
              Cheaters don’t accidentally cheat, there’s no excuse or justification.
              What it comes down to is their character and integrity of which they have neither.

          • Mine told me a lot of Gospel Truth, had I chosen to pay attention. It was difficult to sift the Truth from everything he said, liberally seasoned with bull$h!T as it was (who needs Mrs. Dash?) but I should have kept my radar on and my defenses up.
            He told me these bald truths before backpedaling: “I never wanted a wife and a child,”
            When I asked why he didn’t just honestly break up with me (okay, divorce me) when we knew we were finished, right before my cancer (instead of the whoring, etc) his response was, “Well, I couldn’t just kick you out!”. Impression Management, much?
            One of the last nuggets of truth I got from him was, “I’m just so broken; maybe you’re better off without me. I am a dark soul anymore,”
            Hell o the Yes on that!!! Much better off!!

          • Merry Meh-hem…yes you are very much better off! And I LOVE your name. Speaking of the gospel truth…it can look just like all of the other nebulous BS when you’re being gas-lighted. Mine dropped little truth nuggets like deer pellets on the rug. I could neither smell it or see them amongst the ginormous bear and elephant shits I was already wading through. Little flowers grew up out of it. I mistook them for truths. They were merely a side effect of a well-fertilized house of lies.

            I don’t really know how I just got off track with my poop analogy, but the point I wanted to make was about how hard it can be to decipher these things among the lies and especially until after the fact, after D-Day. Now, I see them all clearly in their crap-emblazoned glory. Aaaand I’m back to poop analogies.

            The morning after D-Day, mine was having a fit of some kind on the edge of the bed. So of course chumpy me goes over and hands him a glass of water and rubs his back. Here! I just learned you’re cheating on me with a stripper, that you’re moving out of state to be with her, and I’m on my own with our 1 & 2 year old babies, but drink up! I need a time machine to go back and tell myself to STOP BEING SUCH A CHUMP. But I needed hope, because BABIES.

            So as I hand him the water and put my hand on his back, I say ‘Honey, this person is a stranger. She has nothing to do with us. Let’s go to counseling and FIX this.’ He stands up, flings my arm off his back with indignance and shouts ‘I can’t be with YOU! I can’t be with anyone. I need to just go get an apartment by myself and figure out what in the hell is wrong with me!’ Spoiler alert: he moved in with HomeWrecker the next day. CL is right – when they show you that they suck, BELIEVE THEM. I believe it with all my heart now, and though he is pathologically committed to being the nice guy in everyone’s eyes, I am having none of it. He can drop the schtick and save all of that lovely manure for HomeWrecker.

        • Unicorn- i wish i had the opportunity to blow up his gig again bc I got so many good ideas later on. I did blow it up publically (prob not my finest moment) but i still did it with class imo. When i found out I calmly left the house, didnt say a word about it. Eight hrs later is when I let shit hit the fan on FB. He has a public image and i know i embarassed the shit out of him. Good. He’s lucky I didnt post worse!! I save that in my back pocket though if needed:)

      • It has to have a cliche “If you love something let it go. If it’s meant to be it will return to you.”

        “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

        Or going off of the depth of this total fucktard more likely

        “I like turtles” ?

        It’s amazing the depth and capacity of my hate for the human species. I’m somehow shocked almost every time I read CL. And I just want you all to know HOW MUCH I despise all of your cheaters. I’m sad for myself and hurt and I get hateful at my own cheater but man I REALLY hate these people you all tell stories about. They are all so pathetic and disgusting. ?

        • Sad Shelby – im sorry you are hurting but your “i like turtles” gave me a great chuckle this morning. If anything you helped a fellow Chump today:)

          • Not to toot my own horn too much but IRL I’m funny AF I think it’s my best feature TBH. And something that I feel proud of more than pretty much anything. If I can make someone laugh a little it makes me feel so good. I’m glad I could make you smile. That is one of the worst parts of all of this. I have a tendency towards depression and anxiety, just because I’ve always kind of been that way but I would say baseline I’m a Pollyanna always wanting to believe in the fairytale and the happy ending and all that. But since it happened I seriously just feel so sad and unhappy and dead inside. It terrifies me that I’ll always be broken and sad and I hope it isn’t so. Thanks for letting me know I gave you a little laugh

          • My ex went into a toddler tantrum when he found out I donated his childhood book (Yertle the Turtle) to my son’s school! Do you think this might have been a RED ⛳️! I was such a CHUMP back then?

        • We are now reaching ‘Critical Mass’…..
          Reveal the Sticker!!!
          Please….The fate of the Universe now hangs in the balance :0

          • Flailing on the ground in despair of no sticker reveal…arms are limp and weak
            Moaning is heard…tears are falling, falling

              • Was it a lenticular Scooby Doo Valentine sticker? Because then his shitty goodbye letter/4th grade poetry contest entry would make more sense.

    • A sticker – you can’t mention he gifted you a sticker without telling us what it was.

      Was the sticker stuck on the letter by his signature? Or did it still have it’s paper backing so that you could stick it over your heart and remember the Sadz he had that one time?

      I’m betting it was My Little Pony. Or maybe a Valentine Heart that said ‘U MAD?’.

      I. Must. Know.!!

    • Damn …
      When I read that I pictured him with a man bun or ponytail stomping out of the house with a box full of hair and skin products.

      All you have to do to diagnose an NPD is hand them a pad and pencil. They all have the same writing style!

      You are the sane one.
      You will be OK !

      • Absolutely! Do they all fancy themselves to be poets? Mine does. Glad I kept his sad sausage letters for laughs…

        • Mine peppered his letters with references to Tolstoy and quotes from Shakespeare. Personal favorite was his attempt to convince me of his “unconditional love” (in contrast to my unforgiving nature after I threw him out), “love alters not when it alteration finds.”

          LMAO, he had spent over two decades trying to criticize me into perfection, and now tries to convince me that he is the noble one? Good riddance.

          • Tempest, does he really not know that the next line from Shakespeare’s sonnet is ‘or bends with the remover to remove’??? In other words, when potential APs come knocking you DON’T say yes, please. Unbelievable.

        • I think all of them fancy themselves great writers and poets! Mine was so full of bullshit love letters that just went on and on. So drawn out and over the top. He thinks he is Shakespeare. These fuckers love to hear themselves talk.

          • Some are so far from poets it is not even funny. They still use words to try to get the outcome they want and to mess with your minds.

            One of my favorite texts was STBX with one of his empty apologies of “I’m sorry I did not keep my vowels.” It’s vows, dumb ass. He was trying to get me to fix what he damaged with his kids at the time. Therefore, just words meant to get what he wanted without any real remorse (just incorrect use of those words;)

      • This Chump…Love your description! One tidbit of advice my mother gave to me many, many years ago (and her grandmother gave to her) was never marry a man that you had to fight over the mirror. Chumpy’s ex does sound like a “man” that goes overboard in the grooming department. He’s just another asswipe that fancies himself being ever so profound. Yuck.

    • Chumpy, please, please block these dimwits on social media. You know anything they post is impression management, just as this letter is. Getting to Meh depends on getting away from the mindfuck.

  • What always struck me about these moments of sadz, is they all think it’s so deep. As we all know, since they have no soul or depth, they must get this understanding from others. That’s right, their OThings probably help them churn this shit out. You can almost hear their voices if you listen close. Best of luck with your freedom.

    • It is sooo deep to them – cause they’re like a puddle in south Texas in the middle of August! Don’t cha know???

    • I agree that the OThing “helps” the cheater realize who they really are. Unfortunately the cheater is all about impression management and won’t go with some semblance of being an actual adult human and the games begin.

  • Wow! My cheater sent me a message yesterday with nearly identical content and I was just going to ask the UBT to translate it but Chumpy’s cheater has already done the job for me.

    But my cheater also wrote: “You didn’t marry the wrong guy. You married a guy who just did some wrong. But who did a most things right. The day you understand this difference maybe we can be friends in some way.”

    “Just” did some wrong…

    Cheater is very nervous because we are about to go before a judge to see how our assets will be split because he can’t come up with a fair settlement.

    • ” “Just” did some wrong…”

      Yea, right. Mine said “I had a bad moment”

      You order coffee in a “moment” …he had at least 3 affairs (likely more) and travelled with OW extensively fucking in hotels all over the country and returning home to drive his family to Catholic Mass on Sunday.

      “moment” fuck him and his moment and fuck yours who “just did some wrong” …Im sure that is what ax murderers say

      • Ha! X said they ‘got a little too close….’
        Hmmm, too close, as in, having BSDM sex repeatedly? Yes, I think that’s too close to the neighbor FYI!

      • A “moment?” Yes, I had a moment, too. A really loooooong moment. A Fuck-You-I Hope-You-Die-A-Painful-And-Lingering-Death-Alone-In-The-Dark moment. Then I had another moment. I’m still having it. It is my I AM MIGHTY WITHOUT YOU moment.

      • ‘Yea, right. Mine said “I had a bad moment”’

        The sex was really that quick?

    • UBT mini translation:
      some wrong = things I got caught for
      most things right = the way I managed my image
      the day you understand the difference = when you forget about what a douchebag I am

    • “maybe we can be friends in some way” … that involves me getting laid whenever and wherever I want and you providing me lotz of kibbles.

      Go fuck yourself and your “friendship” dude. Ugh. They just suck so much.

    • Clear Waters..he’s buttering you up before going to court, please do not fall for his nonsense. Stay strong and focused on what you deserve. Right now I have two extremely toxic employees that are kissing my ass because their review is coming up shortly. Yes, they think I’m stupid and yes they think they are quite clever. They’re in for a rude awakening.

    • Omg!! Mine said he’s not a bad person, he’s just done bad things. No — when you purposely lie, deceive, cheat and steal FOR YEARS it means you’re more than Abbas person. You’re evil, cruel, selfish and an asshole.

      Oh, and he also used to say that he may not be the perfect husband, but better than most. Wrong again!

      How delusional.

      • You nailed it Giddy Eagle! Mine told me the exact same thing too! He even went so far and said I am not a liar, that is just your opinion. Oh I’m sorry, I thought fucking some whore behind my back and lying for months about your whereabouts equals lying. The more I am on champ lady, the more I realize these guys are all the same. None of them are special or different. It’s actually quite eerie how similar these assholes are to one another!

        • “According to you, Muse, I am a liar and a cheat.” #accordingtoyouractions

          “You can’t deny me my truth.” #alternatefacts

          “I wish I could come over there and put all your pain in a big black plastic trash bag.” #gofuckyourselfasshole

          • “I am not a perfect man by any means.” #I’m an asshole who let you support me for sixteen years while I fucked everything that moved.

        • “Sometimes I think I might be a bad person.” #MIGHTbe??? #naileditonthefirsttry

  • Yeah, this tool “feels strong feelings” they way my schnauzer solves difficult calculus problems. Not. Capable. But “seethes over lost kibbles” and “resents consequences” sound a lot less like the lyrics of a soft-Rock hit by Bread in 1974. Stay gone, Mr. Strong-Feelz. #nofeelings

  • His heart is now open. He could start his very own jewelry line with an attached greeting card.

  • Working for an utility company, I’ve been to one of our sewage plants. Standing on top of the treatment facility stunk less than that gibberish.

  • He’s not only sensitive he’s a poetic…
    Heart wrenching, made tears drop down my eyes, from laughing so hard.
    Wow, a modern day Shakespeare.
    ahh.., this next line really choked me up,
    His heart is open and the pain is felt.., alas, no sympathy, no forgiveness.., no, not for me.

    “I am broken beyond repair” moving on, moving forward.
    Correction, he’s moved on and moved forward.
    In the deepest closet, way, way, way, far back, I see the light.
    Isn’t that a religious song, I saw the light? Praise the Lord, I walked in darkness, clouds covered me,
    Praise the Lord I saw the light, now I am happy, now I am free..,
    Might not be the exact words.
    Save a copy of this letter, this will be a source of entertainment for you someday. It’s hysterical.

    • I think the tears were running down my legs (sorry to be a bit crude). That was so funny!

      • Jeanne Robertson is a humorist that tells a funny story about nude bungee jumping and ends it with, “that’s when my water broke, and I wasn’t even pregnant.”

    • I think someone has been going to the local cafe on open mic poetry reading evening. Probably with his latest squeeze who he’s trying to impress by being ‘deep’. What a loser! They write this type of crap to impress themselves and remind themselves what an amazing person they are for ‘caring’ and ‘feeling sorry’ enough to write drivel like this and send it to their victim. He is a shameless joke!

      • That fake poetry crap was literally making me feel queasy. BUT if you say it William Shatner/slam poetry style somehow that makes it funny. Now I can picture that pathetic cheater with his man bun and his goatee in a black cape in a coffee shop telling the world about his deep and tortured soul. ??? Fuck him and the whore he rode in on!

  • For STBX “More home than the feeling of home” has been a hard lesson. Part of my strength is the realization that for me and my kids, I AM HOME. I am safety, comfort, love, strength, holidays, affection and protection. And the small hole he left when I finally pushed him all the way out out my home is getting tinier every day. He is a life sized cardboard cutout of a person. He will never be 3 dimensional. I will always be “home”.

    • I love that! My children and I are stuck in a foreign country (for the moment) where we all moved to help daddy’s career. But I am ‘home’ for them. And wherever we end up, home for them is where I am – the strong, consistent, loyal, loving parent.

      • Yes, my gosh, this is so true. One of my more chumptastic fears post dday is that the kids would somehow gravitate towards cheater boy, who can deliver big expensive things to them. I’m not popping for three hundred dollar sunglasses, tickets to pricey sporting events and concerts, or getaways for which the price of the plane tickets alone is truly stunning. I’m not now and never will be hugely sparkly. My best friend told me from the start not to worry, and as with so much in life, she was right. I was the only real and present parent all along, and I am home. They will get things from him–and I don’t begrudge them that–but when they need to talk, breathe, get a hug, be accompanied through the various emotional and ethical challenges and crises life brings, they come to me. Cheater boy is jealous of that, so much so that he recently told me that it is my “responsibility” to tell them that at least half the blame for the “failure of our marriage” (always that telltale plural pronoun when blame shifting is afoot). He wants the easy laughter, the spontaneous hugs, the mutual trust and respect, and all of the things I have with them, but will never grasp that these things are the result of a lifetime of effort, caring, and sheer proximity. I put them first. I listened. I offered advice and sometimes correction as needed. I made boatloads of mistakes and apologized for them. I accepted their apologies and helped the figure out how to navigate their own mistakes with integrity. I can’t buy endless sparkles–and would not, even if I could. He can’t buy love, but will try to do so forever, never grasping why that’s a project doomed to failure.

        • Hmm. Trying that again, with the unfinished sentence completed.

          Yes, my gosh, this is so true. One of my more chumptastic fears post dday is that the kids would somehow gravitate towards cheater boy, who can deliver big expensive things to them. I’m not popping for three hundred dollar sunglasses, tickets to pricey sporting events and concerts, or getaways for which the price of the plane tickets alone is truly stunning. I’m not now and never will be hugely sparkly. My best friend told me from the start not to worry, and as with so much in life, she was right. I was the only real and present parent all along, and I am home. They will get things from him–and I don’t begrudge them that–but when they need to talk, breathe, get a hug, be accompanied through the various emotional and ethical challenges and crises life brings, they come to me. Cheater boy is jealous of that, so much so that he recently told me that it is my “responsibility” to tell them that at least half the blame for the “failure of our marriage” (always that telltale plural pronoun when blame shifting is afoot) lies with me. He wants the easy laughter, the spontaneous hugs, the mutual trust and respect, and all of the things I have with them, but will never grasp that these things are the result of a lifetime of effort, caring, and sheer proximity. I put them first. I listened. I offered advice and sometimes correction as needed. I made boatloads of mistakes and apologized for them. I accepted their apologies and helped the figure out how to navigate their own mistakes with integrity. I can’t buy endless sparkles–and would not, even if I could. He can’t buy love, but will try to do so forever, never grasping why that’s a project doomed to failure.

          • ChumpionSAHM

            You might like to know I went to have my hair cut yesterday for the first time since DDay. My colourist and stylist both know me well and were shocked to hear my news.
            As he did my hair my colourist was telling me that he (26) is a child of divorce. As he spoke about it then and how he feels now – he made me feel so much better. He said that he always saw him mom as his parent, his dad was there but always out for himself. His mom packed lunches, drive him to football, listened to him, knew him. His dad by all accounts led her a merry dance before she divorced him. Now he gets on ok with his dad. They have a good relationship but he really loves his mom. He can see all his dads faults and terrible flaws and keeps his emotional and psychological distance. With his mom he is truly himself.
            So I have been talking to my 21 year old who wants to have a relationship with his dad but can’t look at him yet and is worried about how I feel. My STBX is not going to ever have the privilege of that kind of relationship with his sons.
            You are spot on in what you said and my colourist confirmed it.
            My stylist was like CL effing and blinding and being shocked but hilariously funny in suggested revenge scenarios.

            • ???



              Is that a Freudian slip. If I laugh any more today I’m going to need surgery. I’m going to blow my hernia repair!!

              • You are the Capricorn who Can! ? Yup, the part about their relationship with them is rough. They do and will have one, but it is fraught with inner conflict and peril. My son has told me that he works to keep the relationship while keeping the dangers in mind: dad never admits fault and cannot apologize, dad gives money and things because that’s all he knows how to give, dad does not have the emotional depths we usually expect in a relationship with a fellow human. Sigh. But, yup, still their dad. No getting around that.

  • UBT

    Me…me….me….these are real onion tears….you know onions make me cry
    Don’t forgive me….I know that you know I forgive you for not forgiving me
    Meeeeeee….. Mmeeee…damn these onions are burning my eyes
    I’m broken….broken like a tank truck that ran you over and you dented my fender when I ran you over
    It’s ok….I will live with the dent your body caused to my tank….I forgive you for the dent
    Did I mention I’m crying but I have to move forward with my bag of onions
    Did I mention I’m crying real onion tears…I’m sad you dented my tank and I don’t have tank insurance
    Meeeeee…..meeee…..meeeeee….I see light….strobe lights….my love is a strobe light and you blinked
    I will go on….move forward….don’t cry for me…I took the onions when you kicked me out
    Just me and my bag of onions as I move forward, my luvrre promised to cook me french onion soup
    I just farted…I’m farting and crying….that’s how bad I feel…I just farted again…..lost my train of thought
    Oh….yeah….I will go forward.. Or something like that…it’s hard to think….when I’m gassy

    • OMG. I can’t stand up straight after reading that. I keep bursting out laughing at random moments. I actually did cry with laughter. God. That’s the funniest thing I’ve read ever. Next time I see onions I’m done for…I’m laughing now just thinking about onions. Brilliant. Just brilliant. I screen shot that. That is a keeper.

    • My X.., ha! he added the crocodile tears for added drama.

      Just curious, do tears drop down your eyes then roll down your cheeks?

      He’s much deeper than we know..,
      “The suffering I have caused, the hearts that have been broken, the pain is felt”.

      Pain? after reading PF’s post has to be gas.

    • Laughing my guts out, with real tears, stomach muscles hurting , snorts, This is sosoooooooo TRUE and soooooo funny!
      “Just me and my bag of onions as I move forward, my luvrre promised to cook me french onion soup”
      “I just farted…I’m farting and crying….that’s how bad I feel…I just farted again…..lost my train of thought
      Oh….yeah….I will go forward.. Or something like that…it’s hard to think….when I’m gassy
      Prgttfftt.trtrroptemtbrrrprt…..brrrotetetrptrrrumputumpemttubrret…..ptrttyfrattemofartttemptump….” OMG! Can’t stop laughing ! BRILLIANT!
      I think every time I eat french onion soup I’ll laugh. Definitely saving this.
      PS: Please send this to a good stand up comedian, it is THAT good!

    • I was just thinking in my mind that the quickest thing to cook fir tonight will be a meat pie. My friend is coming over with her boys for a nice chat with wine and playdate. The onions that I have to cut up and fry …and cry….and laugh…and cry…..and laugh…maybe I will change the menu?

      • DYING here…..Think I wet myself!!!

        This is soooooo amazingly awesome! Loving the snark / the healing / the LOVE!
        All y’all are the MOST amazing humans in the Universe!

        Do we know what the Sticker was yet?!?! ROTFLMBO!

        THIS post & comments have me cry-laughing / snorting / and wondering if I am going to be evicted for violating the local Noise Ordinance!

        Wishing ALL of ChumpNation could meet together for our very own ‘Awesome Fest’!!!

  • About three weeks after he left I had to meet up with the ex to do some bank stuff. We were a bit early so sat and had a coffee (I was always very civilized because he kept threatening not to sign the papers if he had to “pay his share of this, his share of that” etc (he didn’t, BTW, I took on the whole lot just to get rid of him). Anyway, he suddenly started spouting about how it would be a “shame for us to throw away all those wonderful years (he had obviously been on the magic mushrooms again) and our happy family!!!!”” (i.e. basically the skank ain’t that great and can I come back). Also, the skank lived next to the fire station and they had just started the annual cattle fair (held in the parking lot outside the skank’s house – “who’ll gimme 25, 25, 25?” So basically he wasn’t sleeping either! Anyway where I think I have the sticker beat is he actually wrote me a song!!!! “The wine is red, the lake it’s bluuuuuuueeeeheehhh” (I work in Geneva), and frankly my friends it was fuckin awful. Imagine someone torturing a cat! I guess my point is, where in hell is it written that a sticker and a lame-ass note or some tone-deaf song should compensate for STDs, beatings and financial ruin? I haven’t quite got that one figured out.

    • They don’t Attie. That’s why you have to be strong. Hearing, “I hosed you completely, but life is inconvenient so won’t you let me back to do it some more?” shouldn’t bring any affirmative response. Trust that he sucks.

  • CL, you have outdone yourself this morning! My dog is concerned about me as I can’t stop laughing over the robots with head injuries. You have a gift to not only cut straight to the meaning behind the bullshit, but to entertain us all with your incredible wit along the way. Bravo! What a great start to the weekend!

  • I can’t stop laughing..,
    I’d like to see a picture of him with tears dropping down his eyes.

    • “I am writing you to say …” smack! NO! That sounds like I might be somehow involved here … hmmm … “Words have been written that say …” smack! NO! That sounds like I have something to say … hmmm … “Words with meanings appear on this page … ” NO! That sounds remotely like the English language … “Mots son …” NO! French is the language of love! And thus the hours pass … such morons!!

      • the classic “mistakes were made.”
        Mine said, “nothing I did was done to hurt you.”

        • “Nothing I did was done to hurt you.” Let’s sort this one out. He didn’t want you to hear of it, because that would hurt you. He was in a coma and had an affair and had no intentions because he was inert and wasn’t capable of consent. He was trying to hurt his evil nemesis and she became his affair partner, but his intentions were good (before those laser beams).

          Chime in people. How “Nothing I did was done to hurt you” can make sense. “I didn’t want to hurt you” would be too direct, seeing as how what he did was totally separated by syntax from the resulting hurt. If he didn’t do the hurt, who did?

          • thanks survivor. I think the main gist of it was it was all about him, ever and always. he meant I was the last thing on his mind, as he was cheating. well, duh.

            • Cheaterpants said he needed to move out so he did not have to see how sad & hurt I was…..”Cheater Handbook, page 69″ hehehe!

              Yeppers….They can not have us on their minds as the only thing they are concerned about is who is on their ‘parts’…..

              Been reading Shahida Arabi’s latest book and it is ever so helpful

              Love all ya’all as we all….ForgeOn!

              • Same. After d-day he went to visit a friend of ours to get some perspective or something. I left him alone for the whole weekend. I didn’t say one GD thing to him but whoremat boo hooed her own pity party bullshit to him about how sad and torn up she was without him and blah blah blah. As SOON as he walked into our door he burst into tears and sobbed about how he couldn’t take it because being in our house made him remember. Yeah. Remember that I’m a good wife? And you threw me away like a bag of flaming dog shit? For a FUCKING WHORE?! Is that what you felt like when you came back? Because it’s true.

                It’s so fucking unfair. The person that actually LOVES gets so screwed over and the POS gets everything. I’m so sad and angry.

            • Mine said something similar. Nothing was done to help me either. I just didn’t matter.

  • He’s a modern day Shakespeare. I know his type; his poetry free verse poetry is to make him seem deep and pensive. It also allows him to express segment fragments of thought that don’t have to be logical. (Kind of like free verse means you don’t have to worry about rhyming.)

    See what a sensitive cheater I am.
    Half Yoda talk. I must.
    Maybe these poetic lines
    will erase your realizations
    of the pathetic loser I am
    pink glitter on my dick
    hopeful I am it’s not herpes
    unicorns flying through the air
    Deflect blame excuse poetic
    Shakespeare is jealous of my gifts
    and my sparkly tool
    Admit it
    This poem makes you want me bad

    • Great poem, MGM, but the last line first hit me as “This poem makes ME want me bad.”

      Which sounds about right.

    • Someone I know wrote a book full of free form (non rhyming) poetry about having random hook up sex and how empowering it is/was. She started this hobby when she was married with teen daughters.

      She is so proud that she is a “published author” …dirty cheater poems

      I cant even

      • It’s so sick. The entitlement. The special snowflake mentality. I get it. Everyone on Earth is a different and unique human being. We are literally ALL one of a kind based on thousands of years of humans having babies and on and on until you were born. However when everyone is special, no one is. You are not some trailblazing new concept creating one of a kind human being that will be remembered for centuries based on your inability to not fucking cheat! You are a run of the mill basic fucking piece of shit. It’s DISGUSTING the way that people walk all over others because they can. Because they DESERVE to. Because fucking over someone good and decent is “empowering”. I hate them all.

  • There’s nothing quite so morose as an 11 year old girl writing her first break-up poetry. Oh the pathos. The deepness of the feelings. And the complete lack of life experience with which to measure and evaluate the (lack of) depth of said feelings. I cannot wait for this particular sad sausage to at least reach puberty …

  • “If you find a cliche set it free.”
    Now that is some good, no nonsense advice for new chumps. Maybe it’s not the first item on the list but it should be on the list.

  • LOL … complete aside, but can you imagine what it must be like to be Mr. Chumplady should there ever be a mild disagreement?!! Poor fellow!! Lucky he has a warm, caring chump for a wife who values him just as much!!!

    • I am sure her scathing wit is one of the things he most adores.
      My boyfriend described me the other day as an “assertive brunette.” How awesome is that?

      • You are correct: I do adore her scathing wit. And her passion for this site. And her ability to turn a (hilarious) phrase. And our shared love of underdogs everywhere.

        • Mr. Chumplady!!
          And we adore you for adoring her, as that is the kind of Real Love that does indeed still exist! All of the Chumps here at CN need to see this Real Love that you two share as a reminder that there are many authentic & genuine people here amongst us!

          Love ya, as we all ForgeOn!

    • He’s a trial lawyer. He loves a verbal challenge. I get cross examined. It’s two verbal gerbils and he’s more verbal than I am. I just write and draw snarky cartoons.

      I do confess to a bit of a sharp tongue though. (Not my finest quality.)

  • I am in tears from laughing! CL for the win!!!! Mine would always give the “I’m so damaged blah blah blah” crap too. When what he really meant was “I do these horrible things to you because of my bad childhood, bad experience at the dentist, how poorly you wash dishes so you should forgive me for all my sins because of my “damage”. Blech. No, you’re not damaged, you’re an asshole! Funny how their damaged souls can only find glimmers of peace in some strange! Move along sad sausage cheaters, move along.

  • Give the guy (cheater) a Pulitzer Prize why don’t ya? I’m sure he thinks he deserves one (or several). Reminds me of my STBX. He loved to throw out big words like ‘grandiose’ (when he meant grand) and ‘differential’ (when he met difference) in some word salad. Guess he thought that producing multi-syllabic worlds made him look brilliant. (To those of who regularly read and wrote, it made him look like an uneducated, insecure fool.) And to think that my truly brilliant boss who had a doctorate from a famous university and received a psychologist of the century award regularly used two- and three-letter words such as ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ instead of multi-syllabic words.

    • My first husband liked to use and abuse the word, “aspect.” All. The. Time. “I like that aspect of the show.” “I want a leather couch for this aspect of the living room.” “I didn’t like that aspect of the book you wanted me to read.” (He meant chapter. Really.) Now it’s a word I regularly strike out of reports and memos, all of my employees know not to use it. It’s pretty much a trigger.

        • I don’t even think we have to look at an aspect. That shit was an asshat through and through. No need to parse his assholeanness.

  • Good Lord. Really? I want to dress in all black like a beatnik and snap my fingers while reading this diatribe of trash. Yuck.

    One time, I challenged Mr. Sparkles and how tiring it must be for him to manage the ever-changing child visitation calendar (you know, it needs to bend and flex around his Crossfit training needs)… and he responded:

    “I never get tired of seeing my kids and spending time with them any way that I can. What I am tired of is the failed relationships.”

    My UBT attempt:

    “I never get tired of kibbles from my kids because they are too young to understand what it means that I walked on our them and their moms (3 moms, 6 kids).”

    “I’m tired of failing to maintain cake. Look – Squirrel.”

    TGIF Chump Nation. Trust that they suck… even more than the black hole that currently swallowing a star light years away.

    • Three women, six kids, and it just never works out? Call it a day asshole. Time for someone to go under the knife to prevent repopulating the world through his failures.

  • I don’t even know where to start with this one. This cheater is in need of an immense amount of professional help, even compared to other cheaters.

  • I agree absolutely Rockstar, but what is even funnier is when they try to use long words but get them wrong (I played “Definitions” with my ex once – never again). I also remember sitting with a bunch of my friends (all economists) and he has banging on about how the UK pound “was the world’s strongest currency”! I didn’t know where to put myself (I mean anyone heard of the little Swiss franc which is probably one of the world’s most stable currencies and where other currencies take refuge in times of crisis), or how about the dollar, or the yen? I had to try and tactfully get it across to him that it might be the world’s biggest unit of currency (I think) but not the strongest! I mean, why don’t you play Economic Trivial Pursuit with a room full of economists!

      • ^^^Always^^^ just asked him. Most of the time you wouldn’t need to ask..,
        A walking encyclopedia, he’d stop conversations to add his recollection and what he had read. Quick to share his knowledge by correcting people. A subtle or not so subtle way of gaining attention, power, and prove how much more intelligent he is and therefore better.
        Pretentious, condescending, and insidious, in other words an asshole.

    • Dying. Mine referred to himself as an iconoclast in front of a room filled with prizewinning smarty pants types. He was infuriated with the wall of bemused smirks.
      It worked out for him though, because his new gal keeps calling herself a polymath on various social media platforms. When the iconoclast met the polymath- a love story.

      The crazy poem note from the cheater was the best comic kick off to a weekend I’ve had in awhile. Rock on Chunp Lady.

      • “When the iconoclast met the polymath- a love story.” Dying. That line wins the Internet for me today. ALL THE SHINY STICKERS! Snort. ?

      • It seems like you violate a basic rule of intellectual companionship by titling yourself an “iconoclast” or a “polymath.”

      • “When the iconoclast met the polymath- a love story.” Ha, ha, ha! I want to read it, in verse, please!

      • I seriously HATE them both! Calling yourself an iconoclast or a polymath is basically just announcing to the world “I’m an ASSHOLE!” It just reeks of the special snowflake and the amazing perfect love that is Too Big To Be Overcome. ?

    • Attie – I can sure relate to that!
      The X truly believed he was the damn smartest guy in the room and his word of choice was G.O.L.D.
      Most economist disagreed but, being nice friends, they let him dominate the room with his ‘wisdom’.
      (he always talked over everybody’s heads because, really, who knows that much about the complicated bond market)

      I find that people who know things don’t spout off like a broken record….round and round and round…and nobody can have any discussion about it. These are people feeling superior and the more drinks he had, the more superior he felt. So glad for the friends who put up with him.

      I saw this the longer we were married but, he had me under his spell as well…He was SMART!
      He could talk (and was) an expert.

      Well, he wound up bungling all that up with, not only the price of gold not hitting huge highs and the economy falling apart, he couldn’t keep his mansion made out of sand and he’s lost all of his past 36 yrs. (this a guy who never took one framed photo with him)

      • Mine too! But he couldn’t pronounce a lot of the fancy words he likes to use. He pronounces banal like anal (no wonder!), called a bush remnant a rem-i-nant when he spouted off about conservation. He was doing a PhD in botany but doesn’t know any plant names ( more likely refuses to learn them cos he can’t pronounce them). His ineptitude seeps into basic science and maths too. He tried to explain torque to me and got nanometers and Newtons mixed up (and I picked up on it, although I failed physics spectacularly in high school, so that pissed him off) and can’t count 10 cows accurately. Smartest guy in the room though. That’s why he’s back with the whore, she makes him look like the genius he thinks he is. Claimed to be a serial monogamist, while cheating. Can’t even count to 2…

        • kiwi – These people can be sooo banal. ugh.

          ‘He pronounces banal like anal’

          um…I pronounce it the same way? do you say bah nal or bay nal?

          • bah-nal, that’s what I was taught. Might be different in the US? I’ve also lost track of all the words he made up.

            • And he used to sign his emails with this quote from Jefferson:
              “We (…) do not have government by the majority. We have government by the majority who participate.” But he didn’t vote in any election. And that includes while being a candidate for the local council. ??!!??? Joined the Green Party twice and resigned twice, joined the Labour Party but didn’t vote. Woke me up in the middle of the night in 2014 to say he was going to run for NZ First in the general election. I said great! (It’ll be fun to see Winston make mince meat out of him!). Changed his mind by the next morning. Pfft!

              • OMG – you’re cracking me up, kiwi!
                Mine talked about how much of a better president he would make and he would qualify in the smarts and political land mind department…yup, everybody agreed and started nudging him in that direction.

                Pffft….what a bunch of smoke and mirrors and enough martinis to announce to a big crowd, that by God, he just might run.

                Next day – he could hardly remember what he said.
                But! He did become Prez of our local tiny humane society!

                People that talk without the walk really disgust me.

              • Kiwi – he had quotes ALL over the house.
                His office, by the fridge, in the bathrooms…spouting off the latest Jefferson.

                His favorite about Facebook was something about…The CIA is using it for information…(he knew nothing about it)
                SO many conspiracies theories.
                We couldn’t spend any money! The market was about to collapse.
                I heard that for 23 years and had a ‘duh’ moment.
                Wolf crying as a form of control.
                Hey, I was very frugal, he was not! Funny how that works out.

                He was incredibly ignorant of how the internet worked until I got him all hooked up on a new cell phone so he could communicate better with customers… and taught him….and, what does he go and do with his very FIRST private phone!?? He finds a ‘real girl’ – ok, just watched Lars and the Real Girl and it resonates on a strange level. (Early Ryan Gosling in classic form)

                He finds a cheap whore and ‘falls in love’ after 36 years.
                Feeling more at meh these days, that extra phone I gave him probably was the exact ticket I needed to get out of his zone, once and for all.

            • kiwi – ‘He pronounces banal like anal.

              Help Americans/Cannucks/Brits/NZ/and the other Commonwealth Countries.

              How do you pronounce Banal?

              • Pear – ‘BahNAHL. Like canal with a B. At least that’s it where I come from.

                Wow, that is certainly new to me.
                I’ve never heard anybody say it that way.

                I’m used to Cdn/US differences.
                Like – Buoy in US = Booey
                In Cdn – Buoy is Boy

                What parts are you from Pear? Perhaps I’m the one with the wrong word? Banal = Boring?

              • SheChump, were we hitched to the same man? Mine lectured everybody about the dangers of smartphones for about 6 years (finger cancer!!! from the radiations on the screen…) and said he would never have one. Then the whore got one, and she took a class for a few weeks on how to use a smartphone ( I swear I am not making this up! She’s a real upgrade, isn’t she?). So he bought one and started sexting all the time, phone glued to his hip, you all know the score. No more finger cancer…Maybe RSI of the wrist?
                He is obsessed with climate change and sea level rise, but his big gripe against me is that I ridiculed him wanting a petrol lawn mower to cut the grass using fossil fuels when he is so against the “neo-liberal fossil fueled consumer society”. Why not an electric one, all hydro power here in the South Island, we’re net exporters of hydro electricity? Nope, had to be petrol. I emasculated him with my ideas. I wish…
                He was also obsessed with gold, the gold standard, economic collapse, he enjoyed 2008, it just didn’t get bad enough for his taste. He hated the “banksters” and lawyers, until he got all chummy with them to attack me. He is waiting for the environmental apocalypse, which is why he wanted us to move to this farm, but then never did anything to “future-proof” it, as he called it. So no renewables installed, other than the woodstove but he never cut enough firewood in time for winter. Money squandered on all sorts of useless unfinished projects, such as his massive veggie garden, enough to feed 10 families or more. Thousands of dollars in digger hire, irrigation pipe, drainage. He never planted a single seed. I tried to have my own little veggie patch only to be told every time not to do it because he was the plant physiology expert. The only thing I’ve ever seen him grow is pot, which I discovered one day he had planted on the farm and immediately destroyed. Don’t want the farm confiscated as proceeds of crime, thank you very much, arsehole!
                The latest was his jubilation at Trump’s victory because “he’s a wild card and might trigger a nuclear war, we need to wipe out 6 billion people so it will be for the best”. BTW, he has 4 sons. You’d think he’d be a little invested in the future…

              • Kiwi – You totally have me laughing off my chair.

                ‘The latest was his jubilation at Trump’s victory because “he’s a wild card and might trigger a nuclear war, we need to wipe out 6 billion people so it will be for the best”. BTW, he has 4 sons. You’d think he’d be a little invested in the future…’

                You and I WERE married to the same idiot. Mine also enjoyed 2008….’see, see, I told you so’, he’d say over and over. When 9/11 happened and I was horrified, the only thing he could say was…’see, see, I told you so’. I always thought there was something really odd about that reaction. Yeah, sure, he KNEW we were going to get attacked by a foreign country but funny he never mentioned that prediction to me. ‘We caused it. We deserved it.’ The asshole should have been shipped off to Afganistan right then.

                There wasn’t a conspiracy theory he didn’t milk for all it was worth. He became a broken record of DULL.
                Wonder how it must feel to aways be proven wrong with your ‘theories’.

                Can’t believe how long I went hanging on his every word until, I figured out he was just pumping up his chest with dire predictions that people believed. I guess this was who he really was. An imposter all along.

              • SheChump, I figure that’s why they start hating us, when the admiration in our eyes fades because we finally understand they are full of shit, they can tolerate the insult.
                Every time they look at us they can hear the little boy going “The emperor has no clothes!”. So they must get rid of us and discredit us, get rid of the evidence of their failings.
                We all say stupid stuff, we all make huge mistakes, but normal people can accept that about themselves and do not hate the witnesses of their failures. They do.

              • Kiwi – ‘SheChump, I figure that’s why they start hating us, when the admiration in our eyes fades because we finally understand they are full of shit, they can tolerate the insult.
                Every time they look at us they can hear the little boy going “The emperor has no clothes!”.”

                ^^^This is exactly what I figure happened.
                He became more and more arrogant around people, like his head was the size of basketball (full of bs) and he was all trumped up on his ego – thanks to the bimbo. That’s when I started noticing major holes in his financial prowess and started calling him on it. I was no longer the supportive little wifey he had before.
                And, he even said so! Poor baby. He said I didn’t support him in his work. (you mean working with you for 10 yrs side-by-side wasn’t supportive??) . It didn’t matter I supported him in his work for 35 yrs and didn’t have one holiday in practically that entire time…and even when we did, he’d bring his work computer along. Frankly, I was getting so fucking sick of his obsession with earning money – how much is enough – and ignoring his family and smelling the roses. I guess his business illiterate bimbo was far more supportive of his work – to the point, he probably bores her to tears not understanding a whit of his business, which I knew like the back of my hand.

                Oh, and did I mention that he had a sign outside his office that said, ‘Nobody gets in to see the wizard..No way No how.’ Yep, how true it was. The emperor has no clothes.

    • I just had a flashback to the 90s. Remember that comedy show In Living Color? Those two guys talking, trying to impress each other with “big” words that they dont understand…jabbering on while obviously unaware that they are not making any sense. The camera pans back, revealing that they are actually jailbirds sitting in a cell. A public service announcement says Stay in School.

      • Yes! I remember.., it was so funny and accurate. They just ramble on with any regard to how stupid they sound.
        Do you remember the show Cheers? They had two or three regulars who were usually
        sitting at the bar and one was Cliff Claven, he would interrupt conversations with his endless knowledge of random facts on whatever subject they were talking about.
        Talking to X would be like talking to Cliff Claven, you’d mention something in passing
        and he’d go into an endless lecture of random facts on the subject…,

  • To all Newbie Chumps,

    Please keep in mind that even though DDay has passed…. then the actual divorce has passed…. then years have passed post-divorce, that in a lot of chump stories, you will continue to get letters/emails from your disordered cheater even if you are no contact with them (especially if you have kids). They think they still have power over you (but they don’t). They are just too inept to self reflect. It is who they are.

    I am almost 4 years divorced, I bleed NO CONTACT, and yet I still get long sad sausage shallow emails from her. The most recent was this past fall, after I held Whorenocchio accountable for her recent abuse and endangerment to my precious 3 little birds. Her email was so ridiculous with projection and her remorse was so faux that it insulted my intelligence. I actually lost some brain cells after reading it. My response to her was simple. No response at all.

    My attorney got a good laugh from it because it incriminated her. Fool!

    • This is absolutely true. The best response is no response at all. It won’t necessarily stop them from trying again, but it is unambiguous. Like bolting the door while they throw their body against it repeatedly because they so miss your paycheck and sock folding prowess.

      • Survivor.
        I’ve just re read the whole thread. You are so funny all the way through but “sock folding prowess” – perfection. ?

  • AT LEAST you got some shallow waxing and waning poetic. Mine, after 2.5 years of disdain, wrote yesterday to tell me he mixed up and took one of my muck boots. OF COURSE, he is unpacking his new house and noticed the boot debacle. {Really wants me to know about his McMansion.}
    Wants to meet in person to exchange boot.

    You got false remorse. All I got was a dirty old boot.

    • Old muck boot debacle….now the old muck boot exchange….happens everyday all over the world.

      I hope you wear the old boot and give him a swift kick in the arse in the exchange process.

      I thought I heard it all until now.

      • PF:
        I’d rather have a $150 tire fire than give him that boot back.

        Actually I was tempted to write back; “Oh, I don’t have your boot. I gave it to a one legged Yeti. Felt so sorry for it. She/He really appreciated the gift.”
        Dirty old muck boot – my arse.

        • Old Muck Boot – ok, my turn to let the tears run down my eyes!

          Falling off may chair.

    • All I got was a dirty old boot.

      Magneto I’m sorry I laughed so hard at that. He sucks! And you deserved a closet full of Louboutins!

      • You keep saying you got something for me
        Something you call love but confess
        You’ve been a’messin’ where you shouldn’t ‘ve been a’messin’
        And now someone else is getting all your best

        These boots are made for walking,
        And that’s just what they’ll do
        One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you

        You keep lyin’ when you oughta be truthin’
        You keep losing when you oughta not bet
        You keep samin’ when you oughta be a’changin’
        Now what’s right is right but you ain’t been right yet

        These boots are made for walking,
        And that’s just what they’ll do
        One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you

        You keep playing where you shouldn’t be playing
        And you keep thinking that you’ll never get burnt (HAH)
        I just found me a brand new box of matches (YEAH)
        And what he knows you ain’t had time to learn
        These boots are made for walking,
        And that’s just what they’ll do
        One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you

        Are you ready, boots? Start walkin’

    • He took you boot so he could have a plausible reason to meet up with you later. Unless he has three legs, it wasn’t an easy mistake. Don’t do it. We’ll have a bake sale here to buy you a clean pair of muck boots and I’m sure we can all find a random piece of footwear to send off to the jerk. With love.

    • Magneto, fill the muck boot you have with “muck” and send it to him. Write something like “Now you have a pair, finally” Delivery date Valentine’s Day.
      Jk, remain as NC as possible.

  • Has any chump out there ever received a letter/email of apology that is personal? Every letter I’ve read from numerous cheaters, including my own , could’ve been written to anyone. You could literally send these missives (ramblings) to anyone. I’ve not seen one scrap of a sentence that would identify the receiver of the letter (only the mention of kids or a particular geographic location). On the other hand the letters written by chumps pleading for the cheater to understand or come back or whatever are filled with personal information. I’m probably not stating this well but maybe someone gets what I’m saying?

    Even as a child writing thank you notes, I couldn’t get by with “dear random person, thanks for the whatever you gave me. Words aren’t enough to describe how I feel. My heart is full….”

    Just an observation.

    • Wow, that is an excellent observation.
      Mine were very general “sorry I hurt you” letters that really actually blamed me for everything.
      He probably saved a draft and will use it for his next wife.
      In order to be specific, they would have to be thoughtful. And they aren’t.

    • Yes, I understand what you’re saying X’s notes or letters and those I’ve read here from Cheaters, are general and could be to anyone/
      I’ve always been wordy with thank you cards, any card I send I like to make personal..
      Chumps generally are more wordy especially when writing to Cheater. We so badly want them to understand how much we value our relationship, and prove to them we’re worthy of their love, attention, forgiveness. I thought if I tried harder, if I kept the house cleaner, cooked his favorite meals, smiled al the time he’d love me or act like it.
      Cheaters, complain, look for things to complain about, ignore us, set the bar higher, blame us for their unhappiness, cheating, turn on TV. They’re not thinking of how they could make us happy only what we’re doing or not doing then blame us for their unhappiness and reason to cheat. Assholes

      • So true. Whenever we get into it I always end up apologizing for my part of the marriage issues. Which as in any marriage there were issues. I tried to be a good wife. I’m a screw up as many people are. I’m slobby and too lazy for my own good and I have many many other faults as well. I know I could have and should have done more. In our marriage. THIS BULLSHIT has NOTHING to do with me. He was NOT an amazing husband. He was a mediocre one until he cheated. And that never forced me to fuck a whore! But while I’m constantly apologizing for my part of the MARRIAGE issues he is always berating me. Somehow it gets turned back on me. I know I shouldn’t engage. But once he starts on me I just want to set him straight until he gives in and admits he’s wrong. I know. It’s so bad! It just gets me so worked up! I know I wasn’t perfect. But at least I didn’t go and fuck some whore. That’s really all I can say. I tried my hardest. He can’t even say that. Because he didn’t. When shit got hard he went and fucked a whore. When shit got hard for me a few years ago I stopped and looked at whether I could continue on in the marriage and made a choice to keep trying. To expect a little less and blame him a lot less. I couldn’t blame him for not reading my mind! But I CAN blame him for fucking a whore!

        • The only way to win the game is not to play.

          From the movie “War Games” and a fellow poster the other day 🙂

    • Every floor I worked in a male prison had their own little poet letter writer on it. I guess it’s a grand accomplishment actually making it through High School. Doesn’t take much to impress a man with a 3rd grade education. Their declarations of love ran along, “u my Hoe”. So the inmate poet would use his talent to make a buck inside. Usually he’d have big black 3 ring binders, 3 inches thick, with the wonders of his pencil. Any type of romantic letter you could think of with a name for the women as a blank space. To be sold these letters had to be none personal in nature. The poet would hand write the letter or type it for the inmate. Going rate when I was inside was 2 bucks. Most the inmates had very poor writing skills.

      The Black binders had tab markers for the different types of letters. Love letters, I need money letters, Sex letters. etc. I use to laugh at the bunch of idiots sitting around a card table throwing out more ideas for different letters. I mean your doing 10 yrs in time you soon run out of options. Let me tell you that Rap Music doesn’t lend itself well to romance. But these guys could charm your 70 yr old grandma into sending in risky negligee pictures in. Then there is the 600 lb gal looking for love in all the wrong places. Some of the pictures I rejected would curl your curlies. Our main rule was no nipples , no pubic hair. But if you wanted to stand on your head naked and only show your backside you were “In like Flynn”. I even opened letters where the woman sent in her pubic hair. “Just puke and gag me, my hands and eyes will never be normal again.”

      If these inmates got a real good letter in return it was cash in the bank. The inmate would sell the letter to other inmates for masturbation purposes. He would even pay to have it laminated so no body fluids couldn’t mess it up. If an inmate had a good looking girlfriend he’d sell her pictures. Inmates would buy the pictures and claim it was their “squeeze” waiting for them on the outside. I’d even see them sell pictures of their children to child molesters doing time. Nothing was sacred when it came to money or sex.

      After I was retired from the prison my husband managed to get himself in a hoot of trouble with the FEDs. He was in for 5 yrs. I have 5 yrs of the written crap in a box in my closet. I keep it because a few times I have been able to use it to my advantage. During our divorce he wanted alimony. Claimed he was disabled and couldn’t work. I sent the judge copies of some of his letters from prison. In the letters he claimed he was benching 200 lbs, running 3 miles a day etc. No alimony for asshole. Within 4 months of being released he was having an affair. One thing I have great conflict over is what he wrote about our children and their life and problems. Do I destroy the letters before I die or let them fall into the hands of my kids? My husband was very “heartless” when it came to dealing with the kids issues. It appeared you were suppose to feel sorry for his problems and plight but not focus energy on others. Do I let the kids see the real man or let them believe he was a better man?

      • My goodness Yoop, on the issue of letting your kids see those letters, for me if there was even one negative thing in them I would want to make sure my kids never saw them. As for the rest of what you wrote about people in prison – just wow – that kinda blows my mind. You know, if we could come up with some kind of “Cheaters’ Mad Libs” and patent it I think we would make a fortune.

      • No, the kids will never get over his writing. I read some of my disordered mom’s letters after she died and wished I hadn’t. I would have been better off.

        • I think I go from being in furious anger then into acceptance when things calm down. I have problems with the OW stocking my farm and making life difficult. During the times she makes life ugly I debate the letters in my mind. Who knows when death will occur. How long to hold a “Trump card”? My X knows I have the letters and they are kind of a hedge against him harassing me in a more extreme manner. Hopefully he dies well before me from alcohol or drug abuse. Then the letters will go into the fire pit.

          • yoop – ‘Who knows when death will occur. How long to hold a “Trump card”? ‘

            That’s a little scary – what do you mean?

            I like Chess, so, I’ll ignore the death thing…and say…you hold the Trump card until you KNOW you have captured the king of the enemy. Death happens when you play the Trump card.

            Always have one in the the back of your pocket.

            • Hold on to all the cards as you may need to use them in the future.

              My car and home were broken into to retrieve evidence after DDay. The SlunT was involved and his cheerleader, egging him on.

              What I have keeps me safe and I have no doubt it will come into play in the future.

              • As far as the letters about your children, they may be useful regarding custody.

                I’m not big on image management for the disordered. There are some things my children will never know as telling would harm them.

  • After I approached my STB ex about moving the divorce process along, and suggesting he move back out, I get an “I love you”, followed a few minutes later with “go fuck yourself” and “good luck finding a boyfriend”. He also berated me about what an awful wife I have ALWAYS been, and that he was never able to make me happy. I will spare you the details, but I upset the prince because I told him that with him back home (after our 4 month separation and him returning under false pretenses), I can’t take the mess he makes, and I also can’t take the herculean effort it takes to avoid him.

    So, after screaming that I should fuck myself, and making the gesture of wanting to punch me in the face, I get a text that says…

    “This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Shit bag wife, I love you so much. Unfortunately our history has ruined our future. Every time I walk by you I want to hug you.”

    And yes – the bad history is my fault, along with everything else.

    Our history…hmmm…I’m pretty sure people get over having a raw deal in the past.

    It gets better – then I get an e-mail telling me that he is going to take more money out of our joint account.

    Can we say bi-polar narcissistic?

    And I am a chump to the nth degree because I let him rope me into banging him the other night. I fell off the fucking wagon and was so mad at myself.

    Please criticize the shit out of me because when you guys tear into me, it helps me SOOOOOO much.

    Thank you all!!!

    • Empty the joint account. Now. Protect yourself. He has no business being in the same place as you, and as you can clearly see, he will use and abuse proximity to you to grab kibbles. You are not a kibble machine, you are mighty. Pick yourself up, get your armor on, and fight for yourself. Get that bastard out of there, and protect yourself. Why in the name of all that is holy would you permit that son-of-a-bitch shit-breathing cock slag to have any opportunity to be near you or hurt you? The minute you got that email, you should have immediately gone down to the bank and drained that account. And why ask him to move out? Wait for him to leave and change the locks. When he can pick up his crap can be in the settlement. Find your fury. You need it, for your sake.

    • No criticism. We fuck up, we learn, we get on with it. I would take back the 5 million mistakes I made during wreckonciliation if I could.
      Do something nice for yourself that doesn’t involve him. Forgive yourself.
      Go no contact if you can.

      • Thank you Louisvilleflower.

        I do much better when I go no contact, and it gets easier every day.

        I don’t even look at him as my husband or STBX. I see him as Kim’s boyfriend. This has helped me A LOT.

        When he said he loved me, I said…no you don’t. You love Kim. He just gives me that dumb blank look. Fucking moron.

        I hope this process goes quickly. I want my house and my sanity back, and I can’t stand living with someone else’s boyfriend.

        • My ex was diagnosed bi-polar (plus a violent drunk). Get your money somewhere safe. Even without bad intentions one of the symptoms of bi-polar is an inability to control spending. Ex left me €350,000 in debt so please take care. I know they are exhausting but don’t back down and trust that they such.

    • I’d say that it’s even worse than bi-polar narcissist–it sounds like borderline narcissist! I have nice friends who are bi-polar. They can take meds and feel better and function really well. The borderlines, like my STBX (and I am quite sure yours) unfortunately cannot be successfully cured or treated for their personality disorders with meds. Most of them don’t even want to be treated as they claim that they are perfect and everyone else is screwed up.

  • Wow, that poem deserves an honorable mention in CL’s Valentine’s Day poetry contest! It tugged at my heartstrings. Oops… I mean, my heartstrings were tugged.

    I have to admit, there is a side to me that is a little jealous of those of you receiving false remorse, as pitiful as it is. I only received that for a day or so, still downplaying his affair. We’re in the middle of our divorce now, and all I get from him is belligerence, denial, and blameshifting. It’s demoralizing, but I’m still strong, thanks to my self-esteem, my support circle, and the humble teachings of Chump Lady.

    This afternoon, I’m telling the kids (ages 13 and 11) that we’re divorcing. As far as they know, we’re only separated. I also plan to tell them the true reason why, in age appropriate terms. I’m NOT looking forward to this at all and I hate being put in this situation. I didn’t ask for this, and they sure didn’t ask for this. I don’t want to paint my STBX as a bad guy, but it’s important to explain that there are consequences to dishonesty and distrust. Hopefully, this talk will reassure them that I love them and that our family (me and the kids, that is) is a place where we can feel open, honest, and emotionally safe. *deepbreaths*

    • Be happy you get no remorse. It makes it so complicated and it hurts so much.

      Good luck with the kids – you and they are the most important ingredients here.

      There is no end to the blame shifting – I am learning more and more about narcissism and I can’t believe what a textbook case I am dealing with.

      Hang in there.

      • SBW–you need to change your handle! And I will bite on taking you to task for bedding him. What? You have a death wish? Knock that nonsense off right now, Stellar Wife That He Never Deserved (SWTHND).

        My cheater boy, as is their tendency, has kind of but not really apologized many times. That I was hurt and my life wasted and my history trashed? Unintentional, but of course, and his “biggest regret,” just never big enough to be the catalyst for actually, you know, stopping and stuff. Ah, the emptiness of expressions of regret sent from the affair phone from the shack up house. We talk much about their lack of empathy, and that’s so true, but think of the other things they lack because of that! No sense of irony. No real appreciation of humor. No ability to discern the absurd. How do people live like that?

        I think a true narcissist can only ever parrot the things that seem to be right to say in any given situation, and they base this on observations of others, so they come kind of close to the proper words, but always miss, because those other people have real passions, real interests, real emotions, real quirks. Narcs can mechanically reproduce the outward signs of true human interactions, but there’s always a tinny aspect to the delivery that reveals the robotic truth.

        • You have to see the text messages to the whore…
          “I love the shit out of you”
          “I fucking love your face”
          “Hey mama – I love you”
          “I miss seeing you at the park”

          She had the nerve to write…”Don’t tell your lawyer about me. Stick to the story. You’re UNHAPPY”

          What makes me most sick? He calls our daughters mama. I told him not to say it again. My older daughter asked why…I said to ask her father to explain.

          I am so disgusted and this can’t end fast enough. I spoke to my lawyer yesterday and he said something to the tune of 60 days. I said…”hell no”.

          Now that I’m done, I’m done. I warned him about this.

          The whole crap with having sex with him – I got chumped. I own it, and it is NEVER happening again.

          Keep it up – this helps me so much. Thank you.

          • Good! Never is exactly the right time frame. Think of it this way. When will he be honest? Never. When will he be ethical? Never. When will he be trustworthy? Never. When will he be worthy of you? Never? When will he be safe? Never. He checks all the never boxes. Never touch him. Never love him. Never give him the time of day. Never feel bad about saving yourself.

          • To return to the previous point, though–you need a better handle. Perhaps Super Brave Wife or Sexy Brilliant Wife or Soon Beyond Wife.

          • SBW, you made a mistake, learn from it, promise yourself never again and put it behind you. I did the same thing during the D day days. It still bothers me that I let myself down. Continue to read the archives on CN and other peoples stories. I’ve learned so much from this site. I think if I didn’t find CN I’d still believe his lies and blame myself.
            The sooner you distance yourself from X the better you will feel.
            He’s vulgar and disgusting, You deserve to be valued and treated with respect.

            • I’m working on it. Not looking forward to “co-parenting” but for now, focused on just getting him OUT and FAST.

              He makes me so sick. The 2 of them deserve each other.

              Thank you for the support – from the bottom of my heart.

              • So many chumps make the same mistake. It shouldn’t be a mistake to turn to the person you’ve trusted more than any in your life for comfort. The problem is that if that person is also your worst enemy, you get no comfort and they get yet another go at your self esteem. Protecting yourself is paramount. You can get lots of hugs here to see you through to freedom. It is scary, yes. But you can do it. You are not alone, and YOU ARE MIGHTY!

    • As far as I’m concerned you aren’t PAINTING him as the bad guy if you speak the truth. The truth of what he did to you stands on its own and tells them what type of guy he is. As long as you stick to the facts then they are smart enough to decide what type of person lies and cheats. It will be hard but it is necessary. Good luck!

      • “As far as I’m concerned you aren’t PAINTING him as the bad guy if you speak the truth. The truth of what he did to you stands on its own and tells them what type of guy he is.” **THIS** That’s why I love to tell on them! Makes them nervous!

      • Sad Shelby, Peakyblinders and CN,

        …I broke NC with satan (after over a year) a couple of weeks ago after running into a ‘mutual friend’ that informed me that he had seen satan and was told of ‘the reason satan HAD to divorce me’ WHA?! …???

        …I broke NC to inform satan of that meeting and that ‘I no longer defend myself to ANYBODY! And that, I had directed the mutual friend to the court website so they could READ THE TRUTH for themselves 🙂 . ‘ I further informed him that, ‘I invited them to SHARE the ACTUAL truth with others :)…and that he could FUCK HIMSELF :)’

        I was nice…I was personable…I was HONEST 🙂

        …satan texted back…’I regret what I did to you, to US everyday’…

        …yeah, right… …abusive asshole…you live with your actions cause I DON’T HAVE TO!

        I didn’t reply.


    Concussed with a typewriter. I’m dying. I might actually print this one out and put it on my fridge. How can there be so many crazies out there?? Thank God you’re here to make us pee our pants a little while laughing loud enough to give the neighbors cause for concern.

    Happy Friday, y’all!

  • I haven’t even read this, but that title has me rolling. That has to be the stupidest thing I’ve read all week.

    Oh my goodness, I forgot there are people that dumb on our planet.

  • Unfollow that shit on social media! They can’t rub it in your face if you ain’t looking!

    And also great job, UBT – that one had some doozies.

  • You guys! You don’t even GET IT!

    He’s a POET and this is all so romantic! His love is a love that cannot be mounted. His heart is a heart that throbs and pulses with a release that is powerful. That is all, but there is so much more. Something.

  • Such sadz… Of course what we don’t see is the stanza he sent his fuckbuddies two minutes later (narcs keep these saved handy so they only have to copy/paste at their targets later – proud and lazy at the same time):

    I have only one life on this Earth and I deserve to be happy!

    I want to taste you
    I want to fuck you
    I want to feel your body
    I want…
    I want…
    I want…

  • Oh this laughter is GOOD.
    I’m just on my treadmill (paused now otherwise I’ll be spouting shit with a head injury) and I was thinking that this post, his words are just so funny. This is how they think. Mine says weird stuff all the time. I’ve stopped writing it down. That series of notebooks is like an extension of the British Library now.
    We chumps are hurting and trying to recover and rebuild and salvage the good stuff like ourselves our children because of these IDIOTS. I just thought, yes there is a lot to mourn and regret but honestly can I be just a tiny bit relieved and glad and happy to be away from the stupid? First time I have felt in my gut – I’m glad to be rid of him.
    You know how sometimes you are with someone (an old boyfriend in my case) and I wasn’t happy but I wasn’t unhappy either. And I started to think about life without him. I daydreamed and after a while I realised that staying seemed like going backwards. I had mentallly moved on. So left.
    I feel like that now. My imaginary new life has taken hold. I want to see what I can do solo.
    Might be rubbish but I want to try.
    Mentally I have already moved on. Emotional ties will take longer but it’s all loosening. I can feel myself getting free.
    I am my next project and I know most chumps love a project to get stuck into.

    • Yay, Cap! Course you can be relieved! Those moments of relief when they first arrive are a delightful surprise, then more and more come and we are on the road to Meh!

  • Nomar,
    Love the schnauzer comment. Laughed out loud at that one. Its so true! I have a super cute cockapoo and I have more chance of finding empathy, morals and a conscience in her than I do my ex.
    Its so hard to accept this basic fact tho’
    Why is re-programming ourselves so hard?
    These people are just so full of shit, yet i STILL find myself fighting reality

    • My dog is absolutely the best man in my life right now, and I do not feel bad about that at all. He is loyal, protective, goofy, happiest when with me, fierce as need be, and very agreeable. Grateful as heck for that big lummox of a doggy.

  • I’m sorry, Chumpy, you even had to see this crap from your ex.

    So me, chump that I was, would have responded to this …. he would have said or written similar drivel, and I would have felt sooooo sad. I would have written him back a long missive, making him feel better about himself, and he would have answered with an e-mail emoticon:


    which means a really big sad teary frown. The longer the horizontal line, the sadder he was.

    Or if I had called to cheer him up, poured my heart out, and hoped I could get him to come back, he would have answered with:

    “Huh? I sent you a letter? What letter? Oh, THAT letter. Yeah, whatever.”

    Thanks, Chump Lady, for turning it around for me … and thanks for this priceless UBT. This is my Ex decoded.

  • “As these words are written tears drop down my eyes more than I can remember.”

    In other words, “I can’t remember how many tears I am shedding at this current time.”

    “I’m counting my tears … okay, that was 20 … oops! There’s another tear. Okay, 21 … Twenty-one tears. Shit, there’s another one. Twenty-two tears. As these words are written 22 tears … 23 tears … TWENTY-THREE TEARS. Shit! 24 …

    Oh, I know!!!! I’ll just say this instead.


    • I’m spoken for. <3 And I’m the wrong gender.

      You’d love my husband though — he’s a huge Kon Mari fan! He folds his socks in boxes and everything!

  • “In the back of the closet……” remind me of the time a friend’s husband came home so drunk that he mistook the closet for the bathroom and peed in her suitcase……in the back of the closet. This guy is either on mushrooms or English is not his first language. The tears dropping sound like a literal translation.

    • Mine came in drunk and our niece sleeping on the couch. Her puff nylon winter coat on the floor next to her. She woke up to hot piss hitting the nylon coat. Sounded like rain on a tent.

      • What is with the indoor target practice? Last I checked drunk guys could pee in bushes and do no harm.

  • In that whole letter the cheater never directly addresses the chump, never accepts responsibility for what he actually did, and never apologizes to chump. It’s all just one big written opera of “Me, Me, Me………….” I hope Chumpy takes that letter and lines a bird cage or a cat litter box with it. And her cheater’s attempt at a Hallmark card moment-complete with a sticker no less-is an epic fail.

    Thank god for CL and the UBT. That way CN can cut through all the bullshit & hurry up on the road to meh without being sidetracked by trying to untangle some fucktards skein. And these cheaters really are all cut from the same cloth or read the same playbooks-it’s pathetic!

    By the time my stbx got around to attempting to write his version of apology letter, it was all about him and efforts to get me to do the pick me dance……..”I’m sorry for anything that I have ever said or done to hurt you” and “I didn’t know how badly you were hurting” and “No matter what happens I will always love you & be here for you and our son” Blah blah fuckity blah…….All the while refusing to leave the house and turning off his iphone locator. Needless to say, I let my sweet kitty do her best Jackson Pollock fecal impression on that letter & threw it away.

    Yup, my stbx couldn’t admit to what EXACTLY he had done to blow up our marriage and lied about not knowing how completely devastated I was but now will always love me & be there for me & kid? Riiiiiight. He couldn’t do that when we were married but will do it now that we are divorcing? Thanks to CL/CN I came to realize the truth rather quickly, He never loved me or our son-he was just sorry he got caught fucking hookers/anything with a pulse. He knew it would hurt me & just kept doing it because he’s an entitled prick and I’m not the boss of him. Everything is about him & image management.

    So long Assclown! Now poor sad sausage has the sadz ‘cuz the alimony & child support payments puts a damper in your pay for play relationships with those barely legal girls.

    • This may be really pathetic, but sometimes I wish that my STBX wrote an apology letter, even if it were fake. I often get messages the length of a thesis on what a horrible, lazy incompetent, adulterous mother and wife I (chump) . To make matters worse, abusive STBX sends these ‘theses’ to court and as my $400/hour attorney has to read it, costing me money. STBX also spends a huge amount of time reading these sbusive ‘theses’ to our judge, again, making me pay a huge amount of money to be defamed and disparaged. Talk about adding insult to injury.

      • I get that RSW, a bullshit apology would be an improvement on the bullshit accusations…

  • This daddy-o’s far out. We should all be digging this swinging cat’s groovy vibe. He’s hip to the King’s jive. It’s the ginchiest.

    Really (not really).

    Maybe we’re looking at “feelings are felt” all wrong. Really it’s the fuzzy cloth sort of felt they can use to craft themselves some feelings. “Look, my feelings are real. There’s a couple stuck right here on this blanket. And a few more over there on a towel. I think you folded one up in that sock…static cling isn’t good for my feelings. Use more fabric softener next time.”

  • Fling monkeys, Fling!!
    Mine was done crying and would never let me hurt him again (because of the way I grieved my miscarriages, he didn’t feel included; must have missed the tears while he was at the whore’s).
    Sadly, there will never be enough monkeys flinging enough poop to cover all these people’s bullshit.

  • It’s a stew of “feely” words.
    It’s copy/paste of scraps from whatever he heard other people say in this kind of situations.
    If you’re watching some movie and you stumble across some of the lines, don’t be shocked. He learned them from there. There’s plenty of narcissistic music out there also.

    I liked Chump lady comparison with robots. Chumpy, you were the beautiful facade for this guy.

    • OMG seriously! STBX was boo hooing about how marriage didn’t end up being what he thought it was. He was so sad that marriage meant good and bad, sickness and health, lots of sex and no sex, fun and doing unfun shit too. “It’s not like a romantic novel or movie!” NO! It’s LIFE! It’s good sometimes and shit sometimes. And you just try to fucking get through it the best you can with those you love taking care of each other. He didn’t really have an answer when I asked him if living with the whore was like a romance novel? Her crappy bug filled apartment and her bastard love child with some other asshole she had before my STBX, losing half of everything we worked and saved and built together, a home, our cat, the future? Was that worth it? Hmm, somehow the answer is no.

  • Wake up, Chump Nation. I’m having a bad morning, full of fear and loathing. Please come hold my pixelated hand, for a few. Why are mornings and nights always hardest? Have been doing well with NC. Have been providing lawyer with documentation galore, but still these bag lady fears creep in, now and then. It’s weird, sometimes, to have to keep on functioning in a world in which you know there will be no justice, karmic or otherwise. Just over a quarter of a century gone poof, living in the rubble, crawling out of it. Have from the start been very firm in resolve to part, and the relief is palpable, but I know I could write poetry as maudlin as can be. Must. Resist. What do you guys do when the deep indigo blues descend and will not lift? On my second cup of coffee. Good old dog who is the best man I know curled reassuringly at my feet. But still this vague disquiet. Still this feeling that it is all crashing freshly down again. Still that feeling in the guts–I’m sure you are all intimately familiar with it–that makes it hard to eat, or sleep, or laugh, or just stop dwelling on the awfulness. There was a time not so long ago when this feeling would have led me to fire off the stupid lengthy texts in which I futilely attempted to get him to understand the enormity of the wrongness and the depths of the wounds. No more, but Tuesday seems entirely fictional at this moment in time.

    • Holding your hand ChumpionSAHM 🙂

      Bless your heart! I promise it will get better…it will take some time, but it will get better. One day, CL says it will be a Tuesday (and mine was! 😉 ) you will realize the morning has passed and then the afternoon…and you didn’t even think about your abuser 🙂 Not ONCE! …time, distance and NC brings a healing clarity to your thinking…you will find you will be able to actually think again instead of ruminating over the doom and gloom. Poof! Gone! 🙂 I promise. You will stand up and run!

      Change is always scary…it is way scarier when one is going through it seemingly alone. It’s hard to believe but true, none of us are actually ever alone. There are others all around us that are happy to help. They are just hard to see in the midst of this hell we are going through. Scary.

      You are not alone. All of us have your back and we are holding your hand. 🙂

      • chumpionSAHM, I know that feeling. I hope, I hope, I hope Jeep Tess is right and it will stop one day. Hard to shake that feeling of dread and disgust…Hold on and keep reading here. I find the potty mouth stuff really helps me.

        • (((((((kiwichump))))))) 🙂

          I promise it will!

          …my dil 2 x 4’d me early on in my hell (she’d already been through it so she knew what I was going through) …it might help you guys too…?

          She said, ‘Mom. One day, about 4 months after DDay, I had finally gotten out of bed and was brushing my teeth and realized my reflection couldn’t really be me! …it bothered me so much to see who I was…after a while it occurred to me…’Why the hell am I suffering over someone who obviously doesn’t care about me at all? And I started clawing my way back to sanity and health…why would I chase someone that didn’t want to be with me?…and WHY would I want him back after the way he treated me?’ …damn…she was so right!

      • Thank you! Sigh. It’s just SO MUCH erasure of life. 28 years married. Nearly 29 if we count these months of separation. 34 if we throw in the dating and engagement. That’s a big chunk of life to have to look at, reassess as a lie, and basically discard. I look at who I was through those years and can be pretty fond of that hopeful, committed, truly loving person, but sometimes I also feel cheated, robbed, ripped off, abused. Both things are true. I was real, but the relationship was a lie. Psychic dissonance. Probably the biggest emotional issue that I have left to wrestle with, though, is the image management spin that entails throwing me under the bus. It makes me want to spit rusty nails right through someone’s stupid skull. Intellectually, totally get that it does not matter one whit. Only cheater boy’s still chumpy friends and family will ever buy that story. But my feelings do get all in a completely unproductive lather about the inherent injustice of that. It’s maddening in the extreme that the cheater can draw on any one of dozens of false but handy narratives to get off scot-free: he was unhappy from day one, he found his soul-mate, the power of true love cannot be denied, wifey was mean/ugly/crazy/frigid, and (my least favorite of all) there are two sides to every story. Ugh. So much no! The two sides of this story, properly rendered, boil down to he cheated and I did not. Grrrrr. So annoying. Why is it automatically accepted that I someone dtovevhim to cheat? Why does nobody wonder what led me not to? That’s a question worthy of investigation.

        Anyway, here are the things I did and am doing to stay sane today:

        –Picked up fallen branches and twigs in the yard, and burned them. Fire is quite satisfactory when one is in a mood and a half.
        –Hung out with the daughter, always a good choice.
        –Got my nails done in a pretty and rather fetching shade of red.
        –Next up, ordering a take-out pizza from the best place in town, probably to be polished off while watching a movie.
        –And (oh. em. geegollygosh.) lightly flirted with an actual male person. Not sure how I feel about that last one. Fun. Distracting. But yikes, you know? Not sure now would be the time to bed someone (still officially married, still wounds to tend to, not exactly on a totally even keel), but he would totally be down with that (or up for it, as the case may be). What to do? So far, I’m holding him off, but can’t and don’t want to be a nun forever. On the whole, fire, daughter, mani/pedi, and pizza are way less complicated.

        • ChumpionSAHM…tread carefully with YOU…you are very vunerable…they can ‘see’ us…do NOT let anyone take advantage of you!

          …buy a box of condoms…just IN CASE…YES, we have needs too…just be safe PLEASE…and KEEP YOUR HEART OUT OF IT. …they will say and do whatever it takes to get into your panties, your wallet, your home…Please BE SAFE! As Kar Marie says, ‘Be safe with YOURSELF’

          …you are vulnerable right now. …take a minute and really LOOK at what is approaching you…could be, if you were ‘in your right mind’ (as my grandma used to say 🙂 )…you might actually smile and just wish em a good day and go on with your life…remember to set with yourself for a bit and ponder on ‘intimacy’ with a total stranger…k? Promise? We’ve been hurt enough and we DO NOT need to prove to ourselves that we are desirable! We are, we just forgot cause of what we have been put through! Be CAREFUL and TAKE YOUR TIME and DO NOT GIVE OUT PERSONAL INFORMATION. No, not EVER…until you are sure of who it is you are talking to. …disordered pathological spouses are OMG WHAT THE HELL…strangers in your home that no one knows is there…??? Yeah…you ALWAYS want to let your family and friends KNOW WHO YOU ARE WITH AND WHERE YOU ARE…take his picture and get whatever information he will give you…exchange numbers and SEND IT TO YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS along with his picture and where you are gonna be. Keep yourself safe.

          OK…I’ll stop…Just be safe…the world is a different place than it was when we were dating.

          Yes! Getting out and enjoying nature brings us back to ‘earth’ and puts balance back into our souls…there is life out there! 🙂 Beau, the Monster Biter (and eater of spiders! 🙂 LOVE that bout him! ) try to walk at least 4 times a day in our neighborhood. Love that peace! Love the clouds! Sunshine on our shoulders 🙂

          Having your daughter with you is such a BLESSING! …my children are now ‘older’ than me…but I do love the mothering they do 🙂

          Keep doing nice things for you that give you peace and make you feel better 🙂

          You got this and you will get beyond it. I promise.

          Please forgive me for being so…just be careful with you.


          • Lol, no worries. I understand all the things about safe sex, do not go around picking up random men (have known this one a long time, even knew his parents, but we never dated or anything like that), STILL have not cheated and never would, but nine months of separation, so the question is really more of a “how long” one. Did you wait until your divorce was final to date? Should one wait even longer? Does “meh” come first, or does dating play a role in helping that along? The last few years have been utterly brutal, so it’s nice to flirt. I like it. Always and ironically had a far higher sex drive than cheater boy did, so I think it is pretty natural to happily find men intriguing at this point, but don’t worry mama JeepTess, not being an idiot, and incapable of being slutty. Proceeding soberly with interest in men around my own age. I honestly do not think I would ever marry again, but not at all averse to, you know, a full life. In time. But how to know how much time? And will it be too weird after a lifetime of monogamy? And will I flip out because PTSD type issues? And. And. And. And. Hmmm. By the way, some married cheater boys–never knew there were sooooo many–have already tried getting my interest. They get a blistering earful. Dummies.

            • Sorry ChumpionSAHM 🙂 I guess I did go a bit over the top with that…please forgive me. …guess it all came from my experience last year with the predator I let too close. …ugh… Tempest and Kar Marie 2 x 4’d me and ‘poof’ my sanity returned and I kicked him to the curb. 🙂 Whew!

              I imagine it is different for all of us…? I was divorced a year when I let playboy predator too close…but I had had coffee and dinner ‘dates’ with a couple of guys…couldn’t get close to them though. Didn’t want to actually cause it was just too strange. I was married, seems like my whole life, to satan…just didn’t feel right despite the hell. I guess it had more to do with me than anyone else…I was married. I get what you are saying. 🙂

              • Don’t be sorry, JeepTess. It’s nice being mothered, for a change, and I appreciate it a whole big bunch. Someone worried about me? That is very new, and very welcome. ❤️

    • I really have no words of wisdom for you. I feel exactly the same way. I’m nowhere near Tuesday as in my world it’s actually Wednesday at 12:01:37 AM. I’m as far from Tuesday as it’s almost possible to be. I hate this. More than anything I want to rewind and try again. With the same idiot! I still love him. Even though I know I shouldn’t. It’s awful. There is one person in the world you TRUST more than any other and they gut you so cruelly. I just know time blah blah blah. He sucks blah. One day Tuesday blah. BLAH! That’s about all I can give you. Sad platitudes!

      Mornings and nights ARE the worst. I have a very difficult time because I’m VERY shy and have very few friends and the ones I do have are all married with young families because we are all in our early 30’s and now I feel like a pariah. We never had a baby because we couldn’t afford it and now I’m alone because my tiny family of me, STBX and our cat is smaller by 1/3 and I live alone.

      I’m sending you not sad vibes and hopefully you will find happiness again whether it’s with someone else or just on your own! good luck!

      • We have all been through the wringer…possibly time after time…we all loved them so much we just kept making our needs smaller and smaller…or…we simply didn’t know. Regardless, we all have experienced ‘soul rape’ and heartbreak that would have cracked Earth in half…most people, thankfully, do not experience these extreme events.

        In my life with satan I experienced these events. I did not think I would survive. I TRULY THOUGHT I WOULD DIE AND I WANTED TO CAUSE I JUST COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT HIM!

        …I thought…

        I am still surprised that I actually have survived.

        …some of the extreme events I experienced at his hands…did I mention we were together for 36 years, 30 married…that…until all fucking hell broke loose I would have shouted to the rooftops were the ‘best years of my life’? …yeah…I used to think so…now…now I just wonder at how I could have been so flippin unaware.

        …those last 2 years:

        …he left for work that morning, as usual, after squeezing me and kissing me deeply and telling me he loved me 🙂
        …he came home very VERY late…supper cold…never answered any of my calls…and started screaming at me about all the SHIT that was WRONG WITH ME…yeah… And, by the way…none of it made any sense to me…none of it was true…so…yeah…sayin…talk about flippin BIZARRE…
        …about a week later he just stopped coming home…for like 3 weeks…HOWEVER…he did start coming into my office and screaming all the crap he was tired of (that wasn’t real) and shouting that he was never coming home again, gonna go clean out his shit and that I was NEVER to call him to bother him ever again…yeah…would walk in after work to me in a puddle on the floor retching and ask where is dinner…yeah…

        …he did that 4 times…

        …36 years…held hands every minute we were together…great love life…yeah…presents to each other…brought me flowers EVERY Sunday for over 30 years…yep…lunch together every Friday wherever I was working for 36 years…yep…


        …came back after 3 weeks cause he just LOVED ME…
        …started meowing at me…yes, meowing, not talking…THE FIRST DAY BACK…
        …bizarre behavior went W A A A Y Y Y beyond meowing…like that isn’t bizarre enough right? Huh?
        …started beating me and breaking my bones within 2 or 3 weeks of ‘coming home cause he LOVED ME’…yeah… (I weigh 87 pounds…he was over 200…I’m 5’2″…he’s 6’)…yeah…he always won…

        …nough of that shit…rant OVER.

        …yes…if I can get to Tuesday…yep 🙂 YOU will get to Tuesday. There are chumps on here that have been through even MORE HORRIFIC, PAINFUL, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GO ON shit…and they not only got to Tuesday! THEY ACHIEVED AWESOME!


        I’m aimin for awesome…I’m still climbin. But I know I’m gonna make it cause I’m tryin.

        Come on 🙂 Go with me?

          • (((((((aka)))))))

            🙂 my goodness 🙂 Thank you so much 🙂


            …from Beau, the Monster Biter too!
            XXXOOO slurpy lick to your face :O)

            …sorry…Beau LOVES genuine people 🙂 …gotta lickity kiss em 🙂

        • Dang. You are mighty. What an ass. People who don’t go through this being married to the disordered have no clue. Love CN

          • ((((((( LiveForToday ))))))) 🙂

            You are mighty too! 🙂 The struggle is worth it cause you get back to YOU 🙂 …member you? Yeah…it takes a while…cause they burn us to the ground and walk away… 🙂 they get all surprised and shook up when we STAND and walk and then RUN and WTF!? SURVIVE?! WHA????

            HEHEHEHHEHE!!! Yep…that’s US 🙂 We got it GOIN ON! …and without em…:) who knew! They blow…leave em in the dust where they like to wallow and get on with you bad self 🙂

            Yes, thankfully, most people don’t. I wouldn’t wish my experience on anyone…I’m sure you wouldn’t wish yours on anyone either…

            Thankfully we are out of it…geeze, I hope you are? We got you! You are here with us! 🙂 Not a bad place to be if you’ve been anywhere near where I was…much better here among your peeps that get you and got your back 🙂

            …it goes on and on for a while…but…eventually we see and feel and stand and we got this!

            Oh my goodness 🙂 I hope you are ok and doing well!

            • Jeep Tess. I’m right there with you. It’s a lifetime(almost 37 years married now and 2 years before that living together)…at least mine didn’t break my bones..I did crow my happiness from the rooftops–completely spackling over the bad..for. Years… the mask fell to reveal true madness. I’m on my way to meh. Rebuilt my business and bought him out of the house he manipulated me into buying (and almost manipulated me into leaving-my lawyer put a stop to that sh#t). It’s karma that I’m here and he’s not. I kept some friends my kids my sisters and now a new man(taking that one slow and he shows no red flags and is almost the complete opposite of my ex–who knew my type is introverted intelligent nerd). I am mighty and starting to see that I am actually pretty special. ROCK ON MIGHTY CHUMPS!

              • Wow Newlady! You go girl! Whooo Hooooo! Good for you! 🙂

                Your story put a big smile on my face! There is happy after disorder! 🙂 Thank you for sharing it! 🙂

          • That is true. I love it here because FINALLY people who just get it. It’s impossible to explain to even the most well meaning of friends.

            Here’s an example. Recently, a friend asked me if, at any point, the love and the lovemaking were real. Truth is, I have no idea, but pretty sure the answer is no since his every breath generated a lie. That is something impossible to explain to a person who has not been there. I was making love but he wasn’t? Why couldn’t I tell the difference? That’s something the unchumped cannot and really don’t want to grasp, because it is scary af. To live for so very long with someone who spins out lies from his very bone marrow is an experience nearly impossible to relate. But cheater boy’s, “the wife made me desperately unhappy”? Everybody instantly buys that. Sigh.

        • (((((Jeep))))) What a nasty coward. No wonder you are so worried about meeting new people. XOXO

          • Kiwichump 🙂

            Lying Cheating Coward is what I call satan 😉 He resembles that so much! 🙂

            I got a lot of guy friends that help me when I need help and check on me all the time to make sure I’m okay, teach me how to do things I need to do that I’ve never done (like charge the battery on my zero turn) and I love them. They show me that there are good men out there – like our fellow chump guys here – and they give me hope.

            I have met some nice men that I have dinner with sometimes…but I keep them in the friend zone cause I’m just not ready to get to ‘know’ anyone. I did let one guy get too close and had to kick him to the curb. Tempest and Kar Marie had to 2 x 4 me to get me to see who he really is…a manipulating little playboy…ugh… I am grateful for their love and care 🙂 Predator types can just smell us I think… I’m learning to spot them. 🙂

            Right now I am enjoying the peace and learning who I am and what I like. And what I can actually do! Like Newlady, I’m learning that I am a worthy person in my own right 😉 After all the crap satan spewed at me, my self esteem was in the toilet…I’m learning he was just wrong…evil bastard.

            …oh…speaking of the evil bastard…I was told yesterday that he’s telling anyone that will listen how hard it is for him to ‘deal with wanting her (me) in his life’. Uh oh! Too late for that satan!!!! 🙂

            xxoo Kiwi 🙂

            • Ugh, SheChump! At least he shows them the feelings are felt 😉

              I flatted with guys for over a decade when I was young, I had lots of male friends and preferred them as flatmates, they are still good friends. My best and longest adult friend was a guy and we flatted on and off in various countries, but he killed himself 13 years ago. One reason I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt is I thought I knew him really well and it took me completely by surprise. So who knows the emotional turmoil under the surface? That’s why I was so tolerant of unacceptable behaviour from the traitor who’s had depression and I suspect is bipolar.

        • If you watch the movie “Super Troopers ” there is a joke about how many times a cop can say meow to a poor driver receiving a speeding ticket.

          Your IQ will drop about 10 points from having watched this – but it should explain his meowing at you. It’s gas lighting of a kindergarten level.

          • No kidding…huh… I’ve never heard of that movie, Lucky… That’s funny though 🙂 I got a visual of satan and his kroger ho curled up watching it 🙂 Kindergarten level would be over their heads most likely 😀

            It took a long time for me to look at the horrible things he was doing to me rationally. Once I was able to I figured it was coming from the kroger ho… I had always noticed how he would pick up behaviors, lingo, even mannerisms from other people he would meet…later learned its called ‘mirroring’ in narc speak. I was a olympic grade spackler, that’s for sure!

            Super Troopers 🙂 That’s funny!

    • ChumpionSAHM…I, like you, invested a quarter century in someone who, for most of it, had little more than contempt for me but kept me around throwing me crumbs now and again to keep me in servitude of the life that was convenient. I will never know the extent of his treachery

      and yet here I am

      perhaps the most optimistic things I can tell you are that

      1) I honestly cannot remember the how that soul crushing pain felt….at the time it hurt so bad that it sent actual physical pain shooting down my limbs. Like a car crash lost in amnesia or the pain of childbirth, it has left me

      2) my life is totally different than I ever thought it would be. I had guesses of what I thought would or might happen and all my guesses and projections (even based on some reasonable facts) were totally wrong. Truth is you simply DONT KNOW what the future holds…my life is like 800times better than I would have guessed it might me. I always give the disclaimer that “results will very” but life is a crazy thing.

      You are alive, breathing and you are mighty

      • No matter how long we invested in these sickos, we can make our own way now. On the plus side those of us who are older can now date for fun, we don’t need to look for daddy material! But if you are still in your thirties and want children don’t waste your time looking for Mr Right, or worse, jumping in too quickly because your biological clock is ticking. You can do it on your own, march don’t to the sperm bank, much better than parenting with a cheater. Your time is precious. XOXO

          • You guys are all the best. I am also basically the introverted nerd type: bookish, Thoughtful, like a smallish circle of friends, enjoy socializing but need solitude, as well. Actually kind of rock at public speaking and enjoy it tremendously, but that was part of the career I stepped away from to be a SAHM.

            Yes, I was a champion spackler, as well. I don’t even want to tell you how many red flags I saw but did not see, as only a hopeful chump can manage.

            The abuse here was mostly verbal, emotional, and financial, though there was definitely a good bit of physical intimidation over the years. The last two years were the worst. Once he moved in with the slut–off in another state where they had a major client–it got very bad here. Very bad.

            He would disappear for weeks at a time without a word to me or the daughter. Show up for a day or two and flip out over any and every little thing. Resentment of everything I did and every dime I spent, though I was on a very modest budget, particularly in relation to our overall income Of course, now he had a whole separate household to run, so no doubt the double bills nagged. Meanwhile, I bought my clothes at Goodwill, and often paid for gas with change. Was not at all in poverty, don’t get me wrong, but should not have had to struggle that way because he needed to divert so many financial resources to alternative world.

            When younger, I would fight back, but as things became obvious, I stopped. Would let him rant, and then quietly ask him what he was doing, and why. Ask him to stop hurting me. Ask him to stop hurting the kids. Ask him to tell the truth. Horrid, horrid, horrid. I can’t even recreate for you how evil he was, but I remember it all.

            I spent a lot of time walking through woods and prairies. Took many pictures. Sat in my little office just staring into the darkness wondering wtf to do. It was bone deep scary and paralyzing. I felt like every moment of life was a matter of slogging through some devilish combo of cement and shards of glass. My stomach still clenches to think of it.

            For me, the idea of an eventual boyfriend or lover who shows up, has fun, is pretty sweet, and then just kind of goes home sounds pretty good. I don’t want the entanglement of marriage ever again. I treasure my own space. Freedom matters. Right now, could not abide anyone who felt proprietary about me. Do not want man junk in my bathroom, beer in my fridge, or football on my TV. This is totally girl world right now, and I do love that. Flowers in a mason jar on the window sill over the kitchen sink. Seasonal candy in the candy dish. Smelly sudsy girly junk in the bathrooms. All the closet space–every darned inch–for us. Shelves and shelves of books. The music I like. Getting pretty and creating a beautiful and comfortable living space because it feels good and we deserve it. Zero anxiety about biting criticisms and crazy-making conversations always in the offing. Lots of candlelight, but no gaslight. Even through the ongoing hiccups of pain and angst, the daily relief is unbelievably healing. I look and feel better than I have in years.

            But it’s often still rough. Crazy making antics with the kids continue. The impression management that falsely makes me the bad guy stings. His ongoing approach of purchasing love and togetherness with kids is killer. Lost a great big extended family in one fell swoop, and that’s weird. A way’s to go yet. Miles to go before I sleep, for sure.

            • SAHM, you must have been so traumatised to stay stuck in that situation while he had another household. I am glad it’s over, and your girly house sounds lovely. Lots of books, music and even pre-loved clothes, just my cup of tea. No need for a live in boyfriend, keep your own space! It’s nice not to have to clean up all the man hair in the bathtub, isn’t it? The traitor used to shed more than my dog. Now I only need to clean about once a week, yay! See, there’s is a silver lining.
              “Lots of candle light, but no gaslight”, how lovely! XO

  • He must have gone to the school for children who can’t write so good. I’ve always wondered how feelings feel. Now I know. Having felt feelings. Then I cried. Out of my eyes.

  • In not sure if there was a post about the actual sticker yet. I thought it might be a Mr. Yuck sticker. The ones used to identify poison.

  • That letter is so stupid. It means nothing. Could see my cheater writing it but with lots of spelling errors.

    • Lol. My cheater boy took, near the end, to writing texts like a 12 year old girl. Assuming this is because the slut is so young. Would pay to see their SnapChat exchanges, but they skedaddled off of there the moment I created an account at daughter’s request. Sigh. Digital life has made things so much easier for cheaters.

  • Yeah. His heart is as open as his AP’s legs and I’m sure he’s feeling it.

    Sorry. This note pisses me off. What a skank he is.

  • All I could think after reading this (apart from WTF!?) is that Derek Zoolander must have had a hand in it somewhere.

  • The pendulum swings viciously from feeling confident to feeling the worst anxiety of my life. To add insult to injury, he keeps trying to touch me and kiss me and make nice. My reaction tonthese advances is visceral and I remind him of how he “loves the shit’ out Kim and I keep throwing the language from their text messages. He actually tried to deny what I read. Uhh…no.
    I keep referring to him as Kim’s boyfriend and reminding him that the divorce is what he has wanted for over 2 years. You got what you wanted fuckwich. Now what? I hope my lawyer rapes him.

    Did I go too far? If I offended, my apologies.

    Why does he keep trying to touch me and kiss me. UGH. And why do I do so well and feel so strong but then have these waves of anxiety?

    Thanks everyone.

    Ps…what was the sticker???

    • YAY!!!!

      The Universe has, once again, been saved by the Super Powers of ChumpLady!
      Thank you, Chumpy and Tracy!

    • A hoagie sticker?! lol. Nothing against hoagies, but he’s a bigger loser than I thought he was.

  • “My heart is now open and strong feelings are felt. As these words are written tears drop down my eyes more than I can remember.”

    I’ve got the sadz cause I got caught. When you’re really good, you don’t get caught. #losingperreddit
    I’m crying for the first time in forever because my grandiosity really took a hit. Now the other cheaters will laugh at me and not let me join in any cheater games. #conjobnotcomplete

    “The suffering I have caused, the hearts that have been broken, the pain is felt,”

    It broke our hearts to get caught. The deception made the sex hotter and now I’ve lost cake. Consequences suck. My pain is real. “notetoself:stepupyourgame

    “You are more than words I can write. More home than the feelings of home.”

    The feeling of home for me is knowing that you are waiting patiently for me there while I am out having the best sex of my life with someone who is exciting, new and not committed to me.

    “Yet I cannot have you and this is the truth.”

    Now that you know I have a girlfriend, you probably won’t want to share me. “youarestingy

    “No need for forgiveness or sympathy here.”

    I am not sorry so how can I expect forgiveness? I don’t expect you to understand how hard it is for me to give up cake. #youdon’tcareifIstarve

    “I am broken beyond repair.”

    I am unable to love you therefore I am entitled to the happiness I find in uncommitted, new sexual relationships. I refuse to give up my life of lying, cheating and general depravity because it is my “raison d’etre.” “beingascumbagismylife

    “Moving on, moving forward in the deepest closet in the back of your mind, please, please, please know, when I see you I see light.”

    Moving on, moving forward, moving in to my girlfriend’s tight, deep hole. She’s not afraid that I will cheat on her because she is aweome and my twu wuv. I haven’t had to abuse her because I’ve had you!
    #questforstrangeismylife If she and I ever part ways, I may come back to you because you are such a beacon of light, even if you are a big meanie who took away my cake. #givemebackmycakeNOW

    • Really needing to check in today.
      8 days NC then today I texted him at lunch after my meeting with my boss, which basically went’ you have been stuffing up a bit lately, you have to sort your shit out and stop making errors in the next 2 weeks, we will talk then and see if things have improved’
      Fuck me, no days off since my world blow apart but yes they have a business to run.
      Anyway txt to fuckwit. “Thanks for blowing up my life, my job is now on the line ”
      Reply ” how is that my fault” a few texts back and forth till I blocked him again, what a fucking shithead. Oh and ‘I thought you were going to be decent’ basic translation why aren’t you a good little girl and playing by my rules so I get what I want.
      ‘I can’t live with you, you are to angry’ yeah wonder why loser and ” I need to talk to my councillor” da fuck!
      Confirmed narcissist no fucking empathy, does not give a shit about me if he ever did or the fact that I pay a god damn mortgage with that job. Oh and if I sell it he wants some of the money, I have told this pathetic excuse of a man that there is no equity in it, remembers nothing I tell him its a crazy making mindfuck, he drove me to frustration and anger because he couldn’t arrange his way out of a wet paper bag.Normal conversation with him never existed.
      Back to NC my god damn refuge from the insights into his deluded mind, think the antidepressant have sent him to fairyland also.
      God help me I will need to parallel parent with this moron in a month or so. He is having as little contact as possible. The past week I have said to the kids, feel free to call your dad, they are really not bothered, he called them last night, first time in 8 days I might add, hasn’t seen them either and he asks them if they miss him, how the fuck did I miss this shit when I dragged my life around with him for 13 years.
      Do things come in threes, what the heck next.
      Got to pull out the mighty no fucking way I’m going to spiral to the point of having to sell my house I worked my ass off for.
      Please I need sweet words, I have become the office leper and feel so damn alone and abandoned, if it wasn’t for my kids I do t know what I would do.

      • Lady B!!! {{{HUGS!!!}}}

        Though I am not good with ‘Sweet Words”, I can surely send up many heartfelt prayers for you and your little ones!
        “Bully” through this, do not let it drag you back to the insanity, stay NC as much as possible.

        As you have already experienced, there is no chance of ever having a ‘real’ conversation with these wing-nuts. Gather any and all support from those around you. You never know where the best help may come from.

        Love to you as you ForgeOn!!!

    • Chumptacular, so funny!
      Give me my cake now you big meany!!
      Feelings, feelings.., nothing more than feelings, strong feelings are feelings..,
      dropping from my eyes.

  • I think I killed it today at work, friggin hope so, smashed out that back log while thinking of my ex in the context of FUCK YOU.
    I can only hold on to an image of the end of 2017 which looks like, my kids have done well at school, my friends have rallied around, I have a super hot yoga bod because I don’t feel drained by his endless meme dramas, my job whatever one that may be is secure, nice family time, he put a wedge between my parents.
    Hopefully I can help others also in the real world as in some ways I feel like this scar which is one of many I carry has given me greater understanding and compassion for the human condition, it’s a journey of discovery to sound corny.

  • ‘So we had another blowout last night. Mother fucker bought a dresser for the office (where he keeps his clothes). Told me this was his house too. I said save your money and get a fucking apartment. NC went to shit. After pushing the office chair into me, he grabs me and tries to kiss me. When I tell him that he is Kim’s boyfriend, he blows in my face and asks if I can smell her pussy. Yep. The says he didn’t mean it – that he is being mean because he is so upset. Then grabs me and pulls me into his lap and tries to kiss me. I said – “It’s over. You are right. This is spoiled. It is done.” His answer…”It’s not over till it’s over.” What? So I picked up his cell phone and told him to call his girlfriend and tell her to never contact him again. I said – tell her you choose your family and you love your wife and that she is garbage for being disrespectful to your wife. He refused to do it. He said…”I tell her I love you all the time.” All the time? Seriously? So I gave him the phone and said…do it. His answer…”I can’t do that.”

    What more do I fucking need to get this through my head? Why the fuck do I keep trying?

  • You need him out of your house, find a way trick him out, take keys get friends to help you, he is not going to choose. Mine did the same wanting to touch and hug me all the time I think its to appease their inner turmoil. Pack his shit up and put it in garage when he is out then get the keys back, have someone you know there to witness his behaviour. It will only get more fucked up if he stays.