Happy Valentine’s Day, Chump Nation!
As my gift to you, I actually drew some cheater cartoons, inspired by the 527 submissions to our annual Infidelity Valentine’s contest.
It was really hard to narrow down the winners. I asked my husband (who has a useless masters degree in comparative literature) to be the final arbiter — and these were the winning selections. There were SO MANY AWESOME poems! I hate to pick favorites, forgive me. Everyone mentioned here gets a signed book (I’ll send you an email today). Deedee won the popular chump vote AND broke the rules by doing her own free-form rhyming verse. (I imagine someone rapping this…) She had me at “suppurating sores.”
Also, I wanted to draw a big buttface.
Ode to Arseface
Thought we should be civil
Thought we should be friends
Thought that I would pick me dance till the very end
You thought you were a super stud
With your harem of whores
And now I hope your dick is pocked with suppurating sores
You said that I was bitter
That my potty mouth was crass
Take your opinions
And shove them up your ass
Cos now I’m in the land of meh
And I think you’re a prick
Couldn’t care if a thousand whores
Were swivelling on your dick.
Next up in the winner’s circle is Capricorn! Who neatly summed up the entire infidelity experience in 17 syllables. Well done!
Hurts like a motherfucker
But has set me free
Also encapsulating heartbreak in 17 syllables, from joy to despair, was topshelf with this winner!
When you said “I do”
…my heart wild, my eyes wet…and
when you said “I don’t”.
In the limerick category we have JoyWalker who had me at rhyming “disposal” with “Chernobyl.” And also is a garbage disposal not the perfect symbolic gift from a cheater?
There was never a marriage proposal
Gifts included a garbage disposal
As we lay there in bed
“I fucked them” he said
Hope he shrivels like a rat in Chernobyl
Finally, You Deplete Me pulled off an entire cheater karma story in limerick verse! Excellent work!
You Deplete Me:
Dear Ex-Valentine living alone:
I’ve gone as gray rock as a stone.
I’ve got all your money
so kiss my ass, Honey!
And a toast to your shriveled old bone!
Happy VD to one of your skanks!
She wants kids, but we know you shoot blanks.
Hmm, perhaps I should tell her
you’re just an old feller
and that happens when fat guys wear spanks!
Valentine, we both know you’re a liar.
who spends cash on loose women for hire.
Don’t try to gaslight me,
or charm me, or fight me,
I’ve got proof. I’m an excellent spyer.
You begged for a ménage-a-trois
with two chicks, lacy undies and bra.
For your clandestine capers
I’ll serve you with papers
in a Valentine’s card. Mmmwa ah ah!
Darling Hubby, you just make me sick…
Moral compass points straight to your dick.
Do you think you’ve been clever?
You’re the lamest ass EVER!
And the kids and I know you’re a prick.
If Craigslist could tell all its tales
of hoes and their sad sausage males,
then all chumps like me
would laugh ’til they pee.
She’s your “Valentine!” (Right. ‘Til he bails.)
I hear that the love vows are true
for your fetus-aged shmoopie and you.
I’m relaxed, sipping tea,
thanking GOD I’m now free
and laughing as she says, “I do.”
Great work everyone! Happy Valentine’s Day!