My wife and I decided to start separation and divorce today. She really is my best friend and we’ve been together 17 years this September, married 11. We have two kids and one that was a baby when we got together, now 19, 15, and 9.
It’s been a rough time here and there but we’ve always been great as a team. Our first 7 or 8 years were great, sexually, intimacy wise we rarely fought. Anything serious we worked out.
Ultimately she had an affair and cheated with another guy about 5 years ago. Again we worked it out, after a lot of soul searching and tears I stayed and we tried to make it work. Things have been OK. The trust was gone, she had done so much lying for a year during the affair, it was hard to trust her again. We made it work though, but the intimacy was never the same. Sex was rare and the shadow of her affairs was always in my mind. I’ve been on and off thinking about ending it for year now, but I still have time where I fall for her all over again.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. She changed… I know the signs. I knew there was someone else. So finally I sat down and we talked today. She told me she met someone, they’ve been talking for a few weeks. Through talking we both realized that maybe we have fallen out of love, and that it’s better to just walk away. We are each other’s best friend and it’s scary to be alone at 38.
Should I fight for her? I feel like she has moved on. At first the whole thing seemed like we were on the same page, but I realized that she is essentially leaving me for him and it bothers me. Should I just suck it up and move on? I don’t have anyone in waiting like she does. Or should I try to fight to find that spark that pops up every now and then? We really don’t fight about anything, get along fine, and have good times together. I just have this deep part of me that wants to fight for her to go back to 16 years ago.
Sorry for the novel. Long story short she cheated, lost trust, stuck with her, was at the point of cheating again and we decided to separate. Should I let it go or try to stick it out and fight for her?
She’s not your best friend. Not now. Now ever. Best friends don’t serially cheat on you, get the undeserved gift of reconciliation, and then cheat again (if she ever stopped). The question is not should you fight for her, but why would you want her?
“Fighting for her” is what we here at Chump Nation call the “pick me dance.” How exactly do you propose to convince your wife to be faithful? Love sonnets? Serenades? PowerPoint presentations? Do you know how soul crushing it is to have to explain your worth to someone?
If you’re going to explain your worth to someone, make it yourself. Ask RickyRich if this relationship is acceptable to him.
The trust was gone, she had done so much lying for a year during the affair, it was hard to trust her again. We made it work though, but the intimacy was never the same. Sex was rare and the shadow of her affairs was always in my mind.
You’ve been down this road before, Dude. You took her back and the reward was ever-diminishing sex, mindfuckery, and hypervigilance. What exactly is here to miss? Her friendship? The sort that expresses itself by fucking other guys?
Ricky, you have the same problem every other chump has — you miss what you thought you had (an intact family, a loving wife). The reality is quite different. This woman has been checked out for most of your marriage. When you get some distance (known as NO CONTACT), you’ll see that she sucks and you deserve better. As long as she’s around you, casting little kibbles your way (we can stay friends!), you’re screwed. You’ve been on kibble starvation rations, so any kibble from her (she CARES!) seems huge.
Knock her off her pedestal. Take away her power. Give it back to yourself. This “relationship” is toxically lopsided. She checks in and out (cake), and you work harder to keep her. And when she seems finally checked out, you wonder if you haven’t worked quite hard enough at kibble production. Meanwhile, she gives NO kibbles to you, but finds time to “meet someone else.” Her inconsistency — the Fuckwit Can Giveth and the Fuckwit Can Taketh Away — makes her powerfully Godlike. TAKE AWAY HER POWER. You’re not doing tricks for kibbles. You’re not some dog she can balance a biscuit on its nose and tell it to wait. Wait. Wait…
Fuck the biscuit. She’s got another chump? Great. Bully for him. She wants to leave you for him? LET HER GO.
Scary at 38? It’s scary to start over at any age. But 38? You have a life time ahead of you! You’re a faithful, family guy and your stock will trade high. Right now, gird for battle (she’ll try to gain advantage in court, believe me), protect yourself and stay no contact. Better days ahead. Fight for you, my friend. Trust that she sucks.