A month ago was My D-Day where I found out my wife of 5 years (partner for 10) and mother of my two beautiful girls aged 4 and 1, had been having an emotional and physical affair with a co-worker. If you would have told me 12 months ago that this would happen I would say it was impossible, she didn’t seem the type.
Back in August 2016 I suddenly got a gut feeling that something wasn’t right. She started coming home from work a bit later, bought teeth whitening strips, started painting her nails every other day and was constantly shaving her body parts more and seemed to look more glowing. I asked her if she was having an affair, she denied it of course, told me I was jealous and controlling (I’m not either usually).
She deflected me too by telling my mother at a family barbecue that I was accusing her wrongfully. My mother told me that I needed to stop accusing her. I was made out to be the bad guy again.
Then in October she left her Facebook account open, I checked her search history on it and she was consistently viewing the co-worker’s account. I analysed the times and they coincided with when she was with me on holiday, in the local pub, at home, in bed together (me asleep).
I confronted her again about this co-worker. She said they were just friends, he had phoned her several times but just as friends and I was again just being controlling and jealous. She gaslighted me so much looking back. She told me that he was a family man, a good father. It was me who had the issues. I tried to put it out of my mind.
I wanted to believe her but I couldn’t let go. My gut told me I was definitely on to something.
I started to notice everything. Breath mints in her car, underwear going straight to the washing machine, coordinates in her sat nav next to hotels, phone buzzing in early hours of morning, the increased grooming, the phone superglued to her hand, her asking me to drive a certain way home (past the location of his house that she didn’t realise I knew about) the pass locks on her phone, evidence of new email addresses.
In the last few weeks I had almost lost all sanity. She convinced me I had a mental illness, I had started to believe it, I was depressed and worn out due to the gaslighting I suffered. I went to the doctors and was prescribed ADs and offered counselling for morbid jealousy. She asked me one night ‘do you think you need that counselling?’.
She was cold and distant.She refused all attempts at sex. I was at my lowest point and I am usually a strong character.
Eventually things came to a head. She left the kids with my parents who look after them while we work and phoned me saying she was just about to go in to a meeting at work. That night I found receipts showing she was in a different location around the exact time of this meeting.
She lost it and called me abusive. She told me to leave again which by now was almost a daily statement.
She called me a freak and a pathetic weasel. I knew I was right, why couldn’t she finally admit it.
Well two days later after I had asked to see her new email account that she didn’t think I knew about she finally told me.
“There has been someone else. It’s who you think it was all along. It’s been going on since May. We met in the car a few times and kissed, that’s all. He was nice to me. You weren’t meeting my emotional needs”. (I’ve not had full disclosure and don’t want it but she’s conceded she was having sex with him).
My world fell apart. I had not been cracking up, I did not need the ADs. I sent loverboy a message on Facebook and also his wife(I had done quite a bit of homework on him before D Day). I then drove to his house less than 5 mins away and confronted him. He was the snivelling pathetic weasel I had been made out to be, he refused to face me, looked grey in colour like his world had just ended and he threatened to call police and begged me not to inform his father in law who on cue arrived to collect the scumbags daughter. “Of course I won’t tell him…yeah right.”
I left after telling the father in law that his daughters husband had been fucking my wife. I’ve not seen him since.
The wife left for her mothers. Took the kids initially but they came back to stay with me on the first couple of days. Several days later she tried to get me to leave our home. I refused. She tried to guilt me but I won’t be budged. We are having 50/50 at the minute, I have put the house on the market and am seeing a divorce lawyer tomorrow. She has shown nothing but anger towards me saying it’s my fault, I caused it, I never deserved her, that she warned me I wasn’t meeting her needs (she didn’t). I’ve had only two brief outward showings her being sorry. She texted me yesterday to say she misses me. She also did similar and apologised (although with blame attached to me still) via text about two weeks from D-Day.
I hate what she has done to our two little girls. I hate what she’s done to me. She picked him over me, stole my reality for months, risked my health, put on the good nature of grandparents. I now get the feeling she’s coming round to realising what she’s done and what devastation she’s caused.
My little girl who is 4 told me the other day that people now think she hasn’t got a mummy (if she’s with daddy) and vice versa. She also said that daddy made mummy leave home. I hate the impact this has had on them and for what? Pathetic weasel is still living at the marital home. I’m not sure if my wife still in contact with him, to be honest I don’t care. She’s destroyed everything that I hold dear.
Tell me this will get easier?
Keep up the good work, your book and website have kept me sane this past month and given me the strength to do what I have always known since D-Day is right however hard that path is.
You’re in the early days, Jamie. Right now it hurts like a motherfucker. I’m sorry, this stage feels like it will go on forever, but I promise it’s finite. When does the pain stop? My standard line is “Tuesday.” I don’t know which Tuesday, I just know it’s out there for you.
This shit doesn’t get easier until you get her out of your life. Period. Lawyer up, document what she’s been doing with the co-worker, freeze the credit cards, gather your financials, document how much of the childcare you and your parents do, get a temporary custody schedule in place, and go NO CONTACT except through scheduling software and your attorney.
The very worst thing you can do at this stage is communicate with her or see her. That’s just turning the Mindfuck telly on. (See cartoon.) Class, we all know what the three mindfuck channels after discovery are, right? Rage, charm, and self-pity.
You don’t need her half-assed, blameshifting “apologies.” You don’t need her pathetic “I miss you” come-ons. You don’t need the emotional whiplash of “I’m sorry. Now come here closer so I can blame you.”
There’s no point in sticking your head in that blender. Don’t invite more pain. Cut off contact. You have all the evidence you need that this marriage is over. She’s given you absolutely nothing to work with. She was perfectly okay to let you believe you were mentally ill so she could fuck her co-worker. She was okay with you MEDICATING yourself to accommodate her gaslighting.
She can’t walk that back. She gambled her children’s home life and your well-being for kibbles and Crest Whitening Strips. That’s who she is. She’s going to do her damnedest now to convince you otherwise so she can get back to beautiful, beautiful cake and avoid the consequences. She’ll try to convince you this is your fault. (Pick me dance! Fight to win me!) She’ll try to tell you you’re a horrible father for divorcing her. (Consider the children!) You’re not responding, but if you were you could tell her she should’ve thought of the children when she was fucking Harry McWeasel. She’ll do the Hail Mary play of “remorse.” (Okay, mistakes were made! Mistakes you drove me to.) And there will be a lot of snot and tears and running mascara.
You want to heal? You want easier? AVOID THAT. Go straight to consequences. She can communicate her “sorry” with a fair divorce settlement. Sorry is as sorry does.
Jamie, I know it is a terrible, terrible injustice that your daughters don’t get to grow up with you 100 percent of the time. That scary situation has driven a lot of chumps into reconciliation For The Children. Please don’t do this. Please don’t model dysfunction to them. Go invest in a new, better life and be mighty. Be a happy man free of mindfuckery. Be the sane parent for them. Go find a good woman who will love you right — they’re out there.
My little girl who is 4 told me the other day that people now think she hasn’t got a mummy (if she’s with daddy) and vice versa.
Tell her she has a mummy and a daddy both. Four year olds don’t have a lot of perspective. Tell her you love her. Tell her none of this is her fault. (Children often think it is.)
She also said that daddy made mummy leave home.
No, mummy had to leave because she had a boyfriend. Mummy lied to daddy, and broke a trust, and sadly there are consequences. Tell her she’s going to be okay. Tell her you’re going to be okay. Everyone is going to be sad for awhile, but it will get better. Children take their cues from you. Be the rock. Be the sane parent. Let her know you’ve got her back.
As for your gaslighting, weasel-fucking, POS wife — when you hand her the papers, tell her sorry it’s come to this, but she’s not been meeting your emotional needs. But you hope her teeth are whiter now.