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Dear Chump Lady, Help! I regret posting OW on expose-a-homewrecker sites

Dear Chump Lady,

Okay, I really messed up. I mean as in life-changing, epic mistake. I read your book early on in my divorce, which began exactly 3 days BEFORE I ever found out he cheated. Long story short, he’s torn my heart out repeatedly over the years — avid verbal/emotional abuser. I am happy to see him go. For him to end it by giving himself permission to cheat…well that has taken some getting over.

It’s been 4 months and I’ve made every mistake in the book. I’ve emailed and texted the OW. I’ve attacked my husband relentlessly, hoping to get some kind of validation, some kind of closure. Of course intellectually I KNOW that’s not going to happen. It’s just that my heart and my mind are not on the same page lately.

Anyway, in a state of pretty heavy depression last week, I decided to post about the OW on a couple of “expose a homewrecker” websites. About 2 or 3 days later, when my head cleared a bit, I realized this is not the person I am. This is not okay — slandering someone online. Even if every bit of what I posted is true (it is). So I proceeded to research how to remove these two posts. And they don’t let you remove them. Crap. So I called a company that specialized in removing these things. Minimum $2250. Per post. Crap. So now I am relentlessly BEGGING these two websites through their Facebook page to just please remove the post! I got a short response from one telling me to use a 3rd party service. Which I can in no way afford to do!

I was hoping by some wild chance you have some advice. How do I get these posts removed? If my husband or the OW find out, they will come at me with everything they have. And they both have high-paying jobs. While I have been a stay-at-home mom for over 10 years. So now I am a single mom with two kids and no job. Lesson learned for sure, but what do I do now? I can’t afford nearly $5k to remove these two posts. But if I don’t, I may have a lawsuit in my future.

Sincerely,

Dumped Chump

Dear Dumped Chump,

You don’t mention where you are in the divorce process, and you still call this guy your “husband.” If you’re not yet divorced, I’m sorry to tell you, you have a lawsuit in your future — it’s called a divorce. This is EXACTLY the kind of dilemma you need to run past an attorney. And I’m not an attorney, and I can’t give you legal advice. What follows is NOT legal advice, just chump advice.

I’m hoping some former SAHMs will weigh in here on how they got their divorces. Because you MUST see a lawyer and you’re going to need to ask for Dickface to pay your legal costs. It’s not he has a high-paying job and you have nothing — if you’re married, his money is your money. That’s a marital asset. You need an attorney who is skilled in high-conflict divorce to get you temporary support orders, and alimony in your settlement (if your state allows it). And negotiate your legal costs.

Let me emphasize this again — you need LEGAL HELP. I’ll get to the OW sites in a second, but please don’t dismiss this. Don’t let this guy walk out on his kids and you without a legal fight. I don’t mean desperate letters pleading for “closure”, I mean CONSEQUENCES. Sure, he can have his divorce — it will cost him, however. Don’t be a chump and acquiesce to his cake-eating because you think you’re powerless financially. The law has remedies for these situations — avail yourself of them.

One thing you can do if you’re low-income or no income (in the U.S. anyway — folks elsewhere, please chime in) is call your state’s Bar Association and ask about pro bono (free) legal services for family law. There are also “low bono” legal services out there too — for people who are between poor and able to afford legal help. You may be able to find a lawyer who will work on a sliding scale. EXHAUST ALL OPTIONS! Don’t give up before you’ve begun. GET LEGAL HELP.

Use a credit card, take a loan from a family member, pawn your jewelry. It’s essential not to go into these sorts of fights unarmed, or rely upon the cheater to “be fair.” Hey, how “fair” does your situation feel right now?

Now back to exposing OW on cheater sites. Look, what’s done is done. I’d rather spend my money explaining my temporary insanity to my lawyer than give it to predatory online hacks. But that’s just my opinion. Your lawyer may have  different one. I’m running your letter as a warning to other chumps — do NOT be vengeful. Stay NO CONTACT or this shit can come back and bite you in the ass!

You’ve already sent angry texts to the OW and your husband. They can save those and use them against you. So, from where I sit, the damage is done. I’d focus on how you can move forward. Assume you’ll have a fight — and prepare yourself for it. Document every parenting thing you do for the kids and how long you’ve done it. From this point forward, go no contact with him and the OW. You only communicate about the kids, and keep it brief, unemotional, and factual.

You take all that emotional energy you’re expending on the idiot OW and put it back on yourself. On your future, on your job skills, on your education, on your new life. No more drama, because DC, they ENJOY it. You’re feeding them kibbles. Every pleading you send this creep makes him think he MATTERS. And that she won a prize. They need that triangle. Your heartbreak gives them a hard-on.

So stop appealing to them for justice — either by exposing her, or demanding explanations from him. You make your own justice. And that starts with a call to a lawyer.

If what you wrote is true? Let OW spend the $5K to take that shit down. If they’re determined to threaten you, well let your attorney deal with those threats by finding their leverage points. Perhaps they would not enjoy the financial discovery process or a series of depositions.

I’m sorry for your heartbreak, DC. And I understand the temporary insanity, most of us chumps have been there. No contact is the path to healing.

Will the OW lose her shit if she googles herself? Oh well. As cosmic injustices go, it’s not emotional and financial abandonment with two kids. And I hope your lawyer explains it to a judge that way, if it comes to that. Just dust yourself off and move forward. Better days ahead.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • ETA — No one should use those sites. They’re not pro-chump, they’re pro-scammer. There is ZERO proof and frankly, if the OW feels vengeful she could post the same kind of nonsense about YOU.

    So everyone — please avoid that crap. NC! NC! NC!

    • Putting the truth in writing, is not “slander”. Slander is the spoken word, a lie to destroy someone’s reputation. Libel is the written word, a lie, to destroy an individual’s reputation. Now that I have cleared that up, not knowing what you wrote, if it was simply a statement of truthful facts, and facts about your life, you have every right to say and write the truth. Know for example, the media recently, in the many attacks against POTUS Trump, wrote that Melania Trump was a callgirl. She sued and won, because it was found to be a lie. If you made threats in your posts, that’s different. However, I would not worry too much. If you do not have a criminal record, these are still just words, not actions, and your deep wounds make this type of reaction discounted as nothing more than emotional angst. I have, myself, written several posts with facts and names. The man who deceived me was/is living with the woman whom he cheated with while he was married for the second time to the same wife, upon whom he had cheated in their first marriage. The woman he was cheating with, was cheating on her husband, and he then pursued me, cheating on the cheater, presenting himself to me as single and available. Ridiculous, is it not? I am currently trying to locate one of the woman he cheated on years ago, Paulette Chapman, as I am in the process of writing a book. Think about this: I savor the idea that the man, John Sullivan, brings me into court. I will counter sue for the intentional infliction of emotional distress and he and his woman dujour, Irene, will be exposed. They will be the humiliated ones, with this exposure of their smarmy lives to all the world. Put yourself in their place-would you want to file a court action against someone that you, by your actions alone, someone with two children, who you walked away from for another person, after taking vows, want to justify in court why YOU are the injured party? I wish you the peace that is a long way away, but still, on a horizon. Bless you.

      • I add this-the courtroom I envision, is not one in which I would expect to win, as proving my hurt, depression is qualitative, however, it’s the exposure for these low-level people and countersuit, the threat of a $50,000. suit that is so pleasant to imagine. It’s my attitude of, bring it on, make my day. I have all the proof, and over 2000 emails, yes, not a typo, 2000 and pictures. The man is a stock broker-people are people-would you want to invest your assets with a man who is an exposed and known liar, cheat, thief? He would be destroying his own reputation. I heard he lost the $5000. his own mother had given to him to invest. Now, how does that possibly happen? And he did not replenish his mother’s loss. Yes, I, a fairly astute woman was snowed by an expert. I never had any formal training on spotting an expert slime ball, so I am beginning to forgive and excuse myself.

      • Agreed. I told the 10 employees at our company what my ex had done. I found him on every slimy board I could, talking about his capers to his smarmy online friends, created my own ID, and wrote my side of the story and what an ass he was on all his boards.

        I even blew up compromising photos of whores he’d bedded and posted them around our house , so his mother who lived downstairs and his friends who were over that day could see for themselves what he’d been doing.

        Granted, I was angry, in shock, and gonna make him pay for what he did, and in retrospect, better revenge would have been to, as Zsa Zsa Gabor once said, “Don’t get mad, get everything!”

        Of course, he kept threatening to take me to court over those angry slip-ups. I told him to go ahead. It would be a great way to get an even wider audience across what he’d been doing to his marriage all these years.

        Here’s the thing: Because it was a work computer and I was also a director of the company, I had a legal right to view the contents of his computer and back all that evidence up, which I did.

        I could back up every single claim I made about his antics with at least 5 pieces of evidence. Ok, perhaps I had no right to call him a selfish asshole and a smarmy, opportunistic, sex addict and narcissist, even if these things made it obvious to most people that’s what he was. But I had every right to show people the photos he took of girls sucking his dick, and the e-mails he wrote about getting his Australian girlfriend a labiaplasty, and discussing the price for devirginizing a Japanese sex slave with her Japanese pimp (captor).

        I had firsthand, written evidence of these things.

        Considering the seriousness of some of them, and the laws about the travel sex trade in Australia, I even considered handing my evidence over to the Australian Federal Police after my divorce financials were final (lawyer said not to do so until after, because if he had to defend himself, he’d be blowing through marital assets to do so).

        In the end, I decided that I would let karma take care of his demons, and once I was out, I was out. But I have the evidence safely tucked away, should the need for it ever arise.

        The point is, he kept me around all those years as a sort of stepford wife or beard to make him look like an upstanding member of the community and a normal human being. If he fought me in court on those things, they would have become matters of public record, and he was very scared for his reputation. So, like everything else with him, he couldn’t risk reality getting too far out there, and was all threats and no action when it came down to it, like most narcs. He never even brought it up in court.

        My point is, if you were speaking mainly in fact, and if your ex was anything like the rest of them, he might threaten you if he finds out what you posted, but probably wouldn’t even try to take any action. He’d just use that threat to try and weaken your resolve and scare you into accepting less. So don’t worry too much.

        And if you’ve sent angry texts directly to him and the affair partner, it is much more likely he’d try to use those against you, because they will be more ranty, and less factual and complete, so he will be better able to twist them into something that makes you sound like the lunatic in the situation. Mine did try to use e-mail and text communication I had with him the week after I found out and wa in shock and ranting about him / to him, but the courts weren’t interested.

        Luckily, most courts, and especially if you are in a no fault state, don’t give a crap about such rantings, because all it comes down to legally is a division of dollars and assets, nothing else. They don’t care who the real lunatic may be in the situation. They only care about you reporting all your assets and splitting those evenly.

        So I’d spend your energy lawyering up and getting as much of your half as quickly as possible, and less time worrying about something unlikely to impact any of that anyway.

        Hang in there. Trust that he sucks.

        • As the above posters have mentioned you have nothing to worry about re libel. Truth is an absolute defense.
          And, as has also been mentioned, only a complete idiot would want the additional attention that a lawsuit would bring.
          Assuming you can prove the truth of what you posted, you have not worries.
          But, here is the thing that I think many BS’s would benefit by considering:

          A big consideration in post cheating fallout is impression management. Assume you cheater, to justify what he or she has done, has been on a smear campaign for quite some time.
          I know I faced this, and, for whatever reason ( perhaps my legal training) , I was acutely aware that people would be looking at me to see if there were indications that supported whatever claims my XWs were making.
          I know my first wife had tried to paint me as an abuser and emotionally neglectful etc. I suspect my second wife told folks I had been cheating ( she accused me of this when I confronted her about her cheating (( this is common , BTW)).
          One has to be aware of “fundamental attribution error” ( I have brought this up before, but not in some time. So, I will again.))
          This is a phenomenon where outsiders see your reaction to the cheating and assume this is how you are all the time, thus supporting the cheater’s version of you. These outsiders are either unaware of the stimulus that provoked you, or they discount its impact because they have never been through it and assume they would react in a much more dignified manner ( having watched a lot of movies etc which minimize the extent of the trauma).
          So, one really needs to watch oneself if possible ( difficult, I know).
          This applies to both genders, but men, in particular, have to watch out and not display any signs of aggression.
          Society, despite the overwhelming evidence that abuse is gender neutral with both sexes abusing at , roughly , the same rate, is much more inclined to believe allegations of abuse against a man.
          I would suggest if a person cannot get away from the cheater/abuser right after discovery, the betrayed should invest in a voice activated recorder and carry it with him/her at all times.

          • Arnold, I agree with your thought that libel is not a real issue here. But, do not start with the completely false claims that women and men abuse at the same rates. Seriously, stop it. Jedi Hugs!

            • Ok. Women do abuse slightly more. But,I did not want to start an uproar,so I toned it down. Sorry 🙂

            • You are absolutely correct dat. Men abuse at such a significantly higher rate. Although I love Arnold and his posts, he is off the mark on this one. Both genders are capable of abuse. But numbers don’t lie

            • No doubt that men are significantly more likely to be physically abusive. However women are just as likely to be emotionally abusive. A good example of this is infidelity – look at those statistics. My ex wife in addition to all the pyscholical abuse that goes with cheating and long term affairs was also at times physically violent.
              From the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
              • 48.4% of women and 48.8% of men have experienced at least one psychologically aggressive behavior by an intimate partner.

              • The numbers of men and women being emotionally abused are almost equal. Can’t say the same thing about physical abuse though or even murder

              • A lot of those men being abused are being abused by other men.

                Women do NOT abuse partners at the same rates as men. Period.

                They do not rape at the same rates as men.

                If you look at military rape, there are more male victims than female. Many would assume “female
                Rapists”. Nope men raking men.

        • If you are going to rant, be sure to include AP’s full names in the emails. Cheaters are less likely to want to expose your angry rants if it means their deep secrets are exposed, too. Just a thought ; ).

      • Do you know that poor libeled Melania started dating Donald in 1998 while he was still married to his second wife? Many would classify that as cheating, I certainly don’t feel sorry for either of them.

    • Additionally, the third-party services that can help you take down the info in exchange for cash are run by or at least associated with the site hosting the info in the first place. Those sites are pretty much an extortion racket. They’re not worth giving money to in order to take info down, and even though the OW will be pissed if she finds herself there, other people who stumble upon the info are unlikely to give it any weight.

      All the more reason to not bother with them, whether you want to post info to them or get your own info taken down. Might as well shout into the void.

  • Well, i guess this blog post was about me since i posted thank you to CN for posting something about one of those sites. Yeah, i posted something. I didn’t share it anywhere on social media or anything like that, it’s just there. I haven’t contacted either my Ex or his AP ever, on anything. He left here, the day he went to the lawyers office and signed the divorce papers was the last day we texted. He admitted to me (in text, I kept it on my phone and in my Dropbox) that he was giving her money the whole time. I have them both blocked on all social media sites. I sent the post to my lawyers office just in case. Anyways, since he doesn’t live here and even tho the OW does, the town i live in only has 3 posts on the site to begin with and they are old, i doubt she’ll see it either. And neither one of them has money to do anything about it. Whats done it done now! Oh, also, he threatened another woman that he had sex with while we were married (I had actually kicked him out the previous day) that if she told me (she is on my Friends list) he would come and burn her house down. She kept the voicemail and played it for me. So I doubt he’ll do anything to me. Threatening to burn someone’s house down is Terroristic Threatening, or that is how it is prosecuted.

  • HOw will anyone KNOW you wrote it?? If you post on those sites, keep it anonymous people. Because if they’re already a whore, chances are the whole neighborhood already knows this.

  • DumpedChump
    I think the first thing you can do is FORGIVE YOURSELF. Right now. Just forgive yourself. You obviously had second thoughts and are now focused on beating yourself up about it. As if you don’t have enough to worry about and go through. CL is using you as a cautionary tale but none of us here want you to blame yourself or spend another minute or nanosecond really on feeling bad about yourself. The cheat and the OW will do plenty of that for you.
    You are a chump and we are all behind you. We all get the shock and the derangement, frankly that comes from the abuse of cheating. What you might have done is ill considered but compared to what they have done it is NOTHING.
    Please take care of yourself, dust yourself down, forgive yourself and focus on the advice CL gives.
    Many hugs to you and please again just let yourself off the hook for being human.
    And one thing to remember is that CL would not have to write this column if it wasn’t something we have all wanted to do!
    You are amongst friends here.
    So I guess I’m saying forgive yourself.
    Hugs and good luck. ?❤

    • Thanks for the compassion portion, which I probably skimped on in my fervor for a Teaching Moment.

      The fact that every chump with children should be aware of is that the court is geared toward Conscious Uncoupling, and frowns on any whiff of vengeance or bad-talking.

      I realize this feels HUGELY unjust when your world has been ripped apart and you are righteously angry and grieving, but it’s in your own best interest — and your children’s — to vent your anger in a safe space like CN and NOT online on those cheater sites or social media or anywhere your broken heart can be used against you.

      I’ve had chumps write me to take down everything they posted here because an ex is stalking them in a custody case. I had this happen to ME. Online support posts were used against me in a custody trial (it failed, but it was miserable to live through).

      No contact is ESSENTIAL. Do NOT give these creeps your pain. Never let them see it. They can and will use it against you.

      • How about if you write your soon to be ex and let him have it (and use every bad word you know) because you found out he was cheating on his way out and denies it?

        My family warned me: from now on, any contact you have with him, you keep the emotions out.

        But fuck, like our bodies are 2/3 water, we are also emotional beings. I’m preaching at the choir by saying how painful the discovery of another woman is, right? So if he hangs on to all those emails like he says he is, how can he use this against me in court? Won’t a judge understand that the words of hurt needed to come out?

        Thank you for your posts. Honestly, what keeps me going the most is the advice you gave to this post. It’s so hard to be rejected and replaced and I don’t know how I will ever get over it. But I need to tell myself over and over and over again: Focus on self. Focus on self. Focus on self.

        If we didn’t have kids it would be easy. Goodbye dude. Never see you again. But with him 3 blocks away and because we have kids, this really feels like a prison term. I gave to tell myself that the person who makes this feel like prison is myself. And only myself. God. Intellectually I get it. It’s reigning in the emotions that’s so bloody hard.

        Finally, I think for me that after 15 years of being a stay at home and having to look for work is so crippling because my self worth and esteem are in negative land. There is so much to deal with from so many angles.

        Thank you for your blog.

        • Believe me, judges have heard and read it all, including venting letters. What you must avoid, at all costs, is any type of threat of harm. Those types of threats are taken very seriously, especially in light of the real possibility that the LW might carry through with those threats. Judges also don’t like it when the kids are put in the middle of their parents’ conflict. But the average “you’re a cheating asshole and she’s a skanky whore” type of letters are so common that, while not recommended, do not have a great impact on the outcome. Just don’t make sending those letters a regular occurrence, or you will be the one who looks like the disordered wing nut.

        • If it makes you feel better go ahead and write those scathing e-mails. Just don’t send them. Leave the recipient blank to make sure you don’t send it by mistake. When I need to communicate with STBX about something I will first write the “You fucking asshole” version. Then I will rewrite it the nice way. Depending on the subject it might say the same thing but with much different words and tone. Then I sleep on it for a few hours and look at it again to be sure there is nothing in it that could be used to make me look bad. Then I send it. If you don’t actually need to communicate it is still ok to write the unsent rants to blow off steam. If you fear cheater might gain access to your computer then delete them after writing them. You can always use pen and paper too and burn the results if need be.

          • I will keep your advice moving forward. Thank you for sharing this. I can’t erase what I said thus far but I am learning to sleep on things before sending. It really works. I’m learning to not be impulsive with voicing my pain to him every time it hurts and bitching him out. He never heard me before, why start now?

            The focus will be on me. I’ll fall but get up again until it’s muscle memory. Exercise. Look for work, dress up nicely to feel better, etc.

          • I find writing in a journal helpful. I can rant and swear and get it all out when I need to but am keeping emails to cheater brief and practical about essential matters only. Did send a few rantish ones along the lines of ‘how could you!’ to cheater immediately after D day but he wouldn’t use them as they just described his deviousness and as he is into impression management he wouldn’t want others to know. I write positive things about myself in the journal too and quotes from CL that help keep me sane to reread and remember.

      • Don’t share your pain, your feelings, or send messages. Once they receive a message from you no matter how her wrenching or angry, they love the attention. After they pick themselves up from the floor from laughing, as if they haven’t caused enough heartache, they will not only use it against you in the courts, they will forward it to friends and family.
        For them it’s like winning the jack pot, they will use anything they can get their hands on to use as evidence that you’re mentally unstable. It doesn’t make any difference if you think it sounds sane they will twist it into something it isn’t, unstable, suicidal, unfit parent, this is what I put up with for all those years, she/he forced me to find AP.
        They aren’t who you thought you married, they’re evil and not to be trusted. You have no idea of what they’re capable of. No communication unless it’s absolutely necessary, regarding kids and even then keep it short and professional. They are the enemy. The only thing you can trust from now on is that they suck.

          • Excellent advice, especially with today’s modes of communication that can be cut, pasted and manipulated to make you look like the witch they want you to be in their sympathetic camps.

            Giving them any attention – no matter how heartfelt – only becomes ammunition that will be used to further hurt you.

      • That’s interesting. I lived in a no fault state, and the court couldn’t have cared less about any publicity I put out there that my ex had done. They were only about splitting numbers. That’s it.

        Of course, we had no kids, and I guess for the purposes of custody, character enters into the picture, and if you’re seen to be ranting like a lunatic about your ex, that can look bad.

        Still, there seems to be quite a bit of bias in that. Which speaks to character more? The ranting, aggrieved spouse whose life was wrecked by the cheater, or the cheater turning his back on his kids in favor of nookie? Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, if you ask me!

        • I agree DancesWithMeh, I suppose it depends on the judge and how the X presents his accusations. X was dramatic in the courtroom and would make an issue out of the most ridiculous things. For example I got into a fender bender picking my son up from school, X claimed I had been drinking which was false, another was when I called him on a Sunday evening regarding our son’ schedule, he claimed I repeatedly called his number and harassed him so badly he was afraid he wouldn’t make it to work the following day and he was forced to get a land line with a private number. I had broken a tooth (molar) he found out about it and told the judge that he was afraid I was going to blame him for my broken tooth as if I was going to accuse him of hitting me.
          I remember his sisters saying similar things about their spouses when they were divorcing and I thought it was appalling and at the time X agreed. Never imagined years later X was of the same mindset and would eventually be this same.

          • Well, at least in your case there was, for example, no proof of your drunkenness! Any GOOD judge would require proof, or just dismiss that comment immediately. Likewise, phone records would prove frequency of calls,so if he wanted his comment taken seriously, he should have brought phone records showing that you harassed him repeatedly, or it should have been immediately disregarded, and the judge should have been making a mental note this guy was a troublemaker with no proof.

            I point out any GOOD judge, because there are seemingly so few. Not afraid to say it now that my divorce settlrment is over with. The courts really suck. The judges are largely narcissists themselves and seem to have no trouble putting you at a disadvantage if you try to disagree on any little thing.

            To be fair to my judge though, my ex was very melodramatic. Everyone in court could see he was being an ass, and the judge did dismiss much of his drama and told him to get on with facts.

          • For the record I hadn’t been drinking when I had the fender bender. The police came out and a police report was filed.
            I called X twice the night I called him. The calls were made between 10:00 pm and 10:30 pm first time I called there wasn’t an answer.
            I have never accused X of hitting me.
            X’s AP is an attorney~
            These are only a few of the outrageous insinuations and false accusations.
            It’s like living a bad made for TV movie.

        • I was drafted for jury selection for a custody case involving infidelity 11 days after D-day (oh, the irony). We were explicitly told that infidelity could not play a role in our custody decision if we made the jury. Courts don’t give a damn.

  • One point of advice here on Chump Lady it has taken me a very long time to internalize is that no matter how accommodating, how reasonable, how subservient, how nonconfrontational YOU are, what you do likely will not influence their behavior.

    So if STBX and OW are intent on making the divorce process super difficult for you, whether you posted on the homewrecker sites or didn’t, whether you pay out the wazoo to get the posts removed or don’t, won’t matter. They will keep on being difficult and mean until they choose to stop being difficult and mean because of consequences outside of your behavior.

    As Chump Lady said, if what you posted is true, chalk this up to lesson learned and move forward with a great attorney to protect you and your kids’ future, not OW’s reputation.

    • So much truth in this post. I think a lot of us have been conditioned to take on the responsibility of everybody’s happiness.

      It was very freeing when I realized that no matter what decision I made he was still going to place blame for every goddamn thing on me and find fault in every single thing I did. It no longer mattered what I did at all, as the result from him would be the same and I was tying myself up in knots trying to not offend him and make things worse between us. I stopped thinking about him and his reaction and started thinking about how I could sleep well at night. How should I behave to feel proud of my own actions and if he has a problem with that, well, that’s something he needs to work through. I was fired from the role of “wife” so I no longer have to behave like one. I am not his PR agent. I do not exist to make life easy for him. I also don’t exist to make life difficult for him. I will communicate things to him one time and if he doesn’t follow through on what he needs to do, I don’t harp or nag, I just document and know my daughter is seeing it all. If she asks why he does or doesn’t do something I just acknowledge her feelings and say I don’t know why dad doesn’t follow through on anything for her. She’s figuring it all out and I’m trying to be the sane parent.

      Sometimes I think it is necessary to stand up for myself and set boundaries with him and OW and I am unapologetic about it. And if he gets his man panties all twisted up over it, too bad, so sad.

    • Yes, I agree. I was pretty accommodating and reasonable and XH and AP made my life a living hell at times. I wrecked my car. A not a fault accident and my XH accused me of wrecking the car intentionally(you know I was going 65 MPH on the freeway) – and the AP or him, who knows, started sending me used car listing for cars that were 15 years old. He drives a $50,000 car, as does she. They also signed me up for job postings as I am a SAHM. He used to scream and rage at me to get a fucking job( I guess to reduce alimony) And to make me crazy, they planted her blond hairs in our marital bed. Along with just a bunch of awful crap. No, nice did not work.

      I am divorced now. Bitch mode.
      Don’t fuck with me.
      I got what I needed from out settlement.

  • I am a practicing lawyer. If what you wrote is true, it is a complete defense to slander/libel. Period.

    Furthermore, I have no sympathy for the whore, and tough shit. She should not have fucked a married man.

    When you start to panic, remember this: Judges have seen it all, heard it all and care about very little other than following the child support guidelines and which court reporter is the hottest. Most are playing Solitaire while trials go on. Is this encouraging about our judicial system? No- but very real.

    Your husband and his whore are not going to spend thousands on a forensic computer hack to prove (they would need proof…a foundational evidence chain) that YOU posted on the OW exposure sites. They are going to have to spend thousands on a team of lawyers when you go after him like a snarling mongoose to leave him eating Ramen noodles and wearing Goodwill cast offs.

    Stop beating yourself up. They are the scum lickers. Not you. And, the reason to go No Contact is so they don’t have the satisfaction of toying with you. Not because they deserve any respect or dignity.

    I think they should be flogged in the street naked and then put in the stockade for chumps to throw rotten fruit at their faces. Hard. The OW site is a modern mercy. But that’s just me.

      • Truth is an absolute defense to slander. So, if I call you a pedophile and you have been convicted of that charge, game over, case dismissed. Despite Hulk Hogan’s recent win (which was financed by a billionaire) most lawyers won’t take these type of cases on a contingency basis because they cannot make enough money to even recover their costs. But in all cases, if the statement is true, by definition it is not slander or libel.

        • I concur!

          Dumped Chump,
          I did this too. I was out of my mind with grief and anger. But I made damn sure that I posted nothing but the truth. The OW saw a lawyer. I saw a lawyer. I’m good. I’ve broken no laws. Eventually, the OW coughed up the change to get the post taken down. But I would if I could have a second chance I would NEVER do this again. It’s out of my character. Like others had commented, don’t beat yourself up. Easier said than done, I know. (I panicked too). Eventually, you’ll find better outlets for all these feelings. Best of luck to you! ((HUGS))

          • Lol, if what you posted was based in fact and you could prove it, I would have put something similar right back up there after she paid to get it taken down.

            Image is everything to these clowns, so they don’t like facts being posted which make them look as they really are. Don’t give them the satisfaction. If you have proof, note the facts far and wide!

            • Don’t tempt me, DWM!! LOL. That would be absolutely delicious!
              I still note the facts far and wide. I’m just a little more calm and collected now when I do it, and I do it well. Two things I’ve learned from this experience:

              1) I am a fucking force to be reckoned with
              2) There is power in the truth!

              I have my STBX and his cum dumpster by their short and hairies!

    • The part that worries me most is that I actually named the company and department they both work in. It’s a fairly large national company. But I basically posted facts and didn’t label with name-calling or state anything untrue. I found what appears to be a legitimate company who will work to have these posts removed and if successful, I’m looking at $2,950 total. That’s if they aren’t picked up by additional sites in the meantime. I’m stuck between Do Nothing and hope for the best, and Pay the money now and move on with a clear conscience!

      • one thing to keep in mind, if you think the posts are coming up on page 1 or 2 on google because that is what you see when you check, most likely you have trained your computer to look for those sites.

        If you go to a clean computer, one you have never used before and google their names, unless their names are totally unique, most likely these sites wouldn’t show up on the first few pages.

        Where are you in the divorce process?

        • Ok thank you for pointing this out. Hopefully on other computers these links wouldn’t show up on the first page. I did mention the company name and her name in the posts, but not STBX’s name.

          To answer your question about the divorce – we have worked with a mediator and agreed in writing to all the financial and child custody issues. Just waiting for all to be filed with the court. So it’s not completely finished, but he is supposed to start paying me support officially this month.

          • RUN THAT BY A LAWYER.

            And please see my other posts on this site about mediating. You honestly do not sound like you’re in any position to be negotiating ANYTHING.

            You need your own lawyer to review this settlement to see that you’re getting every last thing you are entitled to by law. It’s worth EVERY CENT. Do not let him cry poor. Moreover, he should be made to pay the legal costs.

            • Seriously, you will regret it if you screw yourself over in mediation. You’re very fortunate you haven’t finalized this with the court. SEE A LAWYER TODAY!!!!!

              • Even the mediator has said this – have your own lawyer review before we submit. So that has been my plan – to have the lawyer I consulted with originally review the document before it’s submitted to the court. I definitely don’t want to leave anything on the table, as desperate as I am to just be done with it all! I’ll read your other posts about mediating also.

          • I’m glad you’re seeing a lawyer.

            Mediation can work–but it’s a bit like the Unicorn of Reconciliation. Most of the Chumps here have tried it, only to discover that it dragged out the process longer or that the only “mediation” involved was capitulating to their Cheater’s demands.

            You’ll need to ensure that the agreement has everything to which you are entitled under law, and that the custody and child support are spelled out. If you’re a SAHM, then you should get some kind of temporary support (terms spelled out in the agreement) while you get yourself back in the work force.

            Remember that you should include only enforceable provisions. If your STBX says that he won’t have the OW overnight, and he uses that as a bargaining chip to get a concession from you, then he’s already lying.

            Take the agreement to a divorce financial planner, too. It sounds as if your STBX has assets. The last thing you want is for the asset division to sound fair on paper but be brutal in practice (unless that division benefits you. 😉 ). A divorce financial planner will help you look at finances with detachment.

            Best of luck!

      • From my personal experience with this, it sounds as though you are still in panic mode. I felt like this for at least a month or two after I posted. Eventually I stopped panicking and beating myself up. You are are a loyal and responsible human being who just had her world ripped apart by two scumbags. Eventually, the panic will subside. Let the bitch cough up her own money. You will be okay!!

        • +1 Don’t panic. I’m four years out after posting to several cheater exposure sites and nothing has happened. The truth is the truth and I will be God-damned if I’m going to allow these cheating piece-of-shit assholes to lie.

          With that said, it did absolutely nothing except expose my own family to their narcissistic wrath. Just as Chump Lady says, it will be used to show how much of an unhinged wingnut you are. And the bonus is they can google themselves endlessly to remind themselves how much real estate they take up in your head (WINNING!)

          I also don’t recommend snail-mailing all the cheaters neighbors to inform them of the cheating-piece-of-shit’s hobbies, “Here’s what your neighbor does in his spare time along with the photo evidence. Now, I’m not SAYING he’s a sexual predator who grooms women and he hasn’t been convicted of anything, yet. You can make up your own mind if you want your wife or daughters allowed anywhere near him.

      • one more point, it actually helps your denial that you put in the company/department. Means it could have been someone from work.

        I am guessing one or the other of them has screwed someone else’s life up.

      • You don’t know at all that it’s “legitimate.” Several IT people have weighed in here telling you that it’s impossible to take data off someone else’s server. (Unless of course you hack it, which isn’t legitimate.) Which means the take it off people are the same as the put it on there people — which means it’s extortion.

        Please read the good advice everyone is giving you here. And save your money for your divorce lawyer.

        • Do not pay someone to take that shit down, it’s already been replicated. As long as you didn’t sign it there are no worries

      • It sounds like you feel you have done something wrong or you are a bad person for posting this.

        You have stated facts. If they hadn’t done the things they did, you would not have been in a position to state said facts.

        Please do not feel bad in any way for doing this, you are not the person who has done something wrong.

        Please do not spend money to remove something that is unlikely to have any bearing on the outcome of your divorce.

        And trust me when I say, a) You will need that precious $2500 for your lawyer, to get free of that ass of a husband and b) I almost guarantee that you will regret it later if you spend money bothering to take it down.

        I had the opportunity to get a restraining order against my ex. I tried to get into our master bedroom which he had blocked me out of, by ducking under his arm. He yelled that I hit him and called the police. I note for the record, I am 5’6″ and 150lbs, he is 6′ and about 300lbs. It was a tactic to get me out of the house altogether.

        The police came out and interviewed us, determined that he was the threatening party, and offered me a 3month restraining order against him.

        The police talked with me at length about how abuse can be emotional, and isn’t necessarily physical, and that restraining orders were for that too. But there had been no contact, and I felt bad, even though I have proof he would have taken that out on me given the chance and kicked me out of the house!

        If I had it to do over again, I would have taken them up on their offer, got the order, kicked him out, and the divorce would have settled way faster with him homeless, and would have been less traumatic than having to remain in the same house while going through that.

        Things aren’t always fair. You may feel bad about posting that. But remember he doesn’t feel at all bad about cheating!

        Leave well enough alone and get on with things. Rid him from your life rather than worrying about some factual post that speaks to his lack of character.

        Oh, and I’d be curious to hear about people’s experiences with the police. For me, they were masters of relationship who had seen it all before. They were not fooled at all by narc trickery, and they knew what was what in our relationship almost immediately. I have a lot of respect for how they handle domestic conflict. The polar opposite of my experience with the courts. Anyone else?

      • So who was the person who hacked your account and posted those notes. I mean you sound like you have motive but I don’t think the evidence will suffice.

        If all else fails do like the cheater and deny deny deny.

        Cut yourself some slack. Buy yourself something nice and smile that you got some gumption in you.
        Frankly im happy to hear you posted it rather then curled up in a ball and cried. Screw what they think. If they wanted you to write nice things they should have done nice things.

      • “I found what appears to be a legitimate company who will work to have these posts removed”

        THERE ARE NO LEGITIMATE COMPANIES THAT DO THIS!! These sites are a scam. They are both the site maintainers and the company that takes the money to remove the post. If it’s a lawyer promising to help you find the site owners, press charges, and report them to the government, it might be legitimate. Otherwise, they’re just the 2nd party in the scam.

      • I wouldn’t pay a dime to get the OW’s name off the site. All you have to say is you didn’t write it. The OW that I know have over 1000 Facebook friends (all of which she has announced her relationship to), any of them could’ve posted her on that site. OW tried to to take me to court and the judge told her that she cannot prove it was me. Intellectual property and the nature of the internet and all of that stuff. The judge told her if she could come back with some type of proof (more than an IP address), something along the lines that places me physically at the exact computer at the exact same time using the exact whatever then he may entertain her complaint and even that he wouldn’t really accept because someone could’ve stolen the access from me…… It was quite the victory for me. It’s been a year and I don’t regret it at all. She gets what she gets and I shall ignore her fits.

    • I was going to ask: Would either party be so stupid as to expend the time, energy and money it would take to prove libel or slander?

      Mine was a cheapskate, and if the fact that I had 5 pieces of evidence for every claim I made about him didn’t stop him from going after me, or the fact that he didn’t want his shenanigans documented in court as a matter of public record didn’t stop him, the cost of pursuing it would have.

      • It’s not libel or slander the OW may go after, it’s a restraining order. My husband’s cheating partner tried to get a restraining order after his attempt and several of his family members attempts failed. OW’s attempt failed as well. There was no evidence in any of the cases because the day he left (the day after I confronted him), I stopped texting, emailing, calling, etc. Several of them tried to get a preemptive restraining order, because they were afraid that I may do something. It all boiled down to him being afraid that his horrible behavior was going to taint his reputation. I have no shame. I wasn’t the one who cheated. I tell whoever asks me, that he cheated. I will not own his cheating. Although in hindsight, I wouldn’t bring my attorney with me next time for a restraining order. It ended up costing me money and I didn’t need an attorney for those situations. As long as you remain calm and let the evidence speak, there is no case.

    • BFH: love your post and kindness and generosity in sharing! From one lady lawyer to another here’s a huge chumpy-hug ?‍❤️‍?‍??‍❤️‍?‍??‍❤️‍?‍??‍❤️‍?‍?

  • Agree 100% on NC.

    It’s easy to lash out early on. The key is to understand the end game, which is so difficult during rage and heartbreak. It has been hard for me with MrNiceGuy and the fucking JesusCheater and his other GoodGal operatives.

    Forgive yourself and move on. Also, it’s not slander if it’s true-have your facts and evidence handy – and stop posting on those sites. Stay the sane partner.

    • ANC
      That’s so true about understanding the end game. It just truly sucks that it takes you a while to remember how to dress, shower and clean your teeth for what seems like an eternity. I remember so many occasions where I just had no clue for a minute what I was doing. I would sit in the car and think ‘ok, what’s next?’ The while starting the car, seatbelt on, driving somewhere felt really difficult to do. It’s only now seven months on that my ability to plan and shop for meals is returning. It’s hard to explain to people who don’t realise the depths of the shock.
      That’s why CL is such a hero. She tells you stuff you need to know and others then comment so the whole topic is attacked from all possible angles, one of which hopefully sinks in.

      • Yup, people don’t understand the shock unless it happens to them. Unable to even function first few weeks without huge effort is an understatement.

        • Agree completely with you both, Mjo and Capricorn. (And ANC.) Unless someone has been through something similar, they have no idea what it’s like to lay in the fetal position for hours on end because the pain is overwhelming, spend the first 10 minutes sobbing, randomly tear up at work or in public because you’re reminded of something or simply overwhelmed, etc.

          Everyone here is an amazing pillar of strength for living through trauma like this, period. The fact that we all support each other, hold cheaters accountable and educate others means we’re heroes. You all have been my sanity and my lifeline in the few short months I’ve been on this site. This community helped me end wreck-onciliation, find my righteous anger and allow me to start the divorce process. Thank you all.

          • Also agree completely. I did all those things, and went to bed for the first 36 hours after I found out, and didn’t eat anything for 3 days. Felt like vomiting.

            Horrible horrible.

            If I’d known about CN and CL earlier in the piece, it might’ve given me the strength to carry on without those shock bumps.

            We need to keep spreading the word.

          • I lived those moments. We sometimes aren’t aware of the amount of energy we invest on someone who keeps sucking as dry — until the day we decided that we’ve had enough.

            I have never felt so drained in my life. During those times, even going dressing up to go to work everyday was a struggle. Even with establishing NC, there were still times when I would ruminate and this also drains me mentally as well. Eventually after 6-8 months of NC I felt my energy levels improving.

            Strive to get a good night’s sleep, eat well, and NC – take that energy you invested in the cheater and put it all back to yourself.

            • I recently joined Al Anon. Interestingly, when you have a family member who is an alcoholic, they help you to take care of yourself and not take responsibility for someone else. This translates totally into leaving chumptum behind. The day we turn the focus on ourselves and creating a better life is when things get better.

          • Nope. Unless you have been through it. No clue at all. 10 months in, finally divorced as of yesterday and starting to see a life. Driving was really scary. I was tired a lot of the time and not focusing. One day at a time. Taking care of me.
            Trying to help my kids heal. Which the idiot FT would reach out to them.

  • No Contact
    No Contact
    No Contact
    No Contact
    Repeat it over and over again until you can do it.
    No Contact, is the path to the truth and the light. It frees you from the mindfuck. Worry about your kids. Worry about you. Do not worry, in any way shape or form, about them or what they feel or think. They sure as hell didn’t think about your feelings or well being. Let the two disordered fuckwits have each other. I am on the other side and let me tell you that you have no idea how sweet the drama free tranquility is.
    If you haven’t found a lawyer, make that the number one priority of your life (after caring for your kids of course) right now, a good lawyer with good recommendations, a bulldog. Stop thinking that because he earns money outside the home that it is his money. It’s a marital asset so if you need to put down a retainer on a lawyer you have just as much right to that money as he does.
    And as Capricorn says Forgive Yourself. For me this is the hardest part.
    Good luck and use that anger that you so justifiably feel to hire a badass lawyer and let them handle the rest.

  • Dumped Chump

    When faced with what the two of them did to you, to your kids, it is natural to react to the insanity of it all. Please stop beating yourself up, let yourself off the hook. It was a natural response, it means you have a heart and feelings, but now it’s time to Look forward and focus on you and your kids. Don’t give either one of them anymore of your time or energy, they thrive on feeling central. As hard as it may seem now, the very best thing to do is NC. Just take it one day at a time, soon that NC will turn into weeks and months, and it does get easier. I promise you will look back and see that it was one of the best decisions you ever made. My counselor once told me that the best revenge, is to live a great life without them in it.
    Hugs to you and your kids. We are here for you.

  • Filing for divorce will technically freeze all assets….but, Dumped Chump, make copies of ALL financial records, past tax returns, current bank/stock accounts, retirement accounts (including amounts from the first year of marriage) because your cheater will start hiding assets if he can. If you have copies of the financials at the time of filing, that is what you can work with.

    And I agree with Capricorn–forgive yourself for posting on the OW site, and !! don’t obsess about it!! or your STBX and OW might find out. Pretend it never happened and keep the focus on a good settlement and protecting yourself. Your guilt will wear off, but the settlement won’t.

  • IMO temporary insanity is a common reaction to being abused and I for one did and said things I’m not proud of.I’ve also done and said things that I couldn’t give a flying fuck about.He totally had it coming.As another poster said,if what you wrote on that site is true,then you have nothing to fear in regard to libel.
    A pit bull lawyer and no contact is the best way forward.Take the foucus off them and on to yourself and your future.This too shall pass.Never let them see your tender underbelly again.

  • After 2 years of trying to settle my divorce we’re now heading to court sometime this month. I’m not looking forward to being attached by his legal team but I will take my xanax and stay as strong as I can. I wanted to make note about the loans from family that CL referred to. One of the biggest sticking points in our last pretrial (In Chicago) is that his attorneys pointed out a law that loans from family aren’t “real” debt and should be considered gifts. So his team is trying to make me pay for 50% of his credit card debt including the money spent on the OW that he’s now shacking up with (even though after child support I only make 40% of the marital income) and they’re refusing to pay any amount for the $29k I borrored from my parents (I even have a promissory note for these loans). I borrowed the money based on suggestion from my lawyer when he told me not to use my 401k because of the tax implications. My STBX borrowed from his 401k and now they’re trying to make me pay for 50% of that too and also 50% of the tax burden.
    Just be careful before taking money from family as a loan until you check with your attorney and make sure it’s considered a “loan”. My mom now wants me to sue my attorney for bad information and to make him pay for half the 29k that she is owed. Make sure your attorney knows their stuff inside and out

    • People can demand anything in court — that you pay half their debts for Schmoopie, or that you wear a pink tutu in perpetuity — that doesn’t mean they’ll get it, or that it’s reasonable or lawful. Let your LAWYER tell you what is reasonable and lawful.

      The “negotiating” tactic is to ask for the moon and stars and then negotiate down to “reasonable.”

      Chumps lead with reasonable and then have nowhere to go.

      I learned this lesson very painfully. So please, people, DEFER to your LAWYER on this. Don’t let the freaks bully you.

      • CL is right–don’t get all moral & self-sacrificing until after the divorce. Being weak during settlement and ignoring your lawyer’s advice is a bad idea. Case in point: I’m in a state where I could have filed For Cause, but chose not to. My lawyer recommended trying to recoup affair costs. Since the affair I divorced him over had happened 8 years prior, and I know X is a cheapskate, I ignored the advice. Had I forced him to reveal his credit card statements with MANY more costs for affair partners (the Craigslist skanks he was screwing midday, probably in expensive hotels), I’d have (a) known he was a serial cheater and switched my petition to “For Cause”just to get his perfidy on the public record, and (b) recouped some of that money in settlement.

        If I believed in regrets, I would have regrets over not listening to my lawyer. Don’t be me (especially if you are prone to regret).

        • Tempest
          That’s good advice but I feel that my being moral and self sacrificing and weak was what made me a chump in the first place!
          It’s sad that chumps really have to leap over their own instincts (to be a good person) as a first order of business to ensure they don’t get screwed over again in the divorce while getting over the devaluing and the emotional damage.
          Thanks to you, CL and the rest the first thing most newbies read is LINE UP YOUR DUCKS. When I was new I had no idea what would be required going forward either practically or ‘character’ wise. I didn’t know what ducks were really, nor what lining them up meant but I did understand at a gut level that this was super important. It had to do with my safety. This site is genius really. I think that’s why the language here helps. It shocks your reality into action.

          • We leap over our own instincts every day, or most of us would spend hours eating cinnamon buns and watching comedies on Netflix. If we can control our impulses on a quotidian basis, we damn sure can do it when it counts for larger consequences.

      • GREAT advice! “Chumps lead with reasonable and then have nowhere to go”.

        It will be my mantra this Friday, the first and only hearing to try and reach an agreement. From then on it is litigation and much more expensive.

        I listened to CL and just fired a “polite and civil” attorney who did not want to freeze our assets in order to “not irk and aggravate” STBXH. I now go by “trust that he sucks”: STBXH doesn’t give a damn how considerate or reasonable I am.

        Dumped Chump, listen to CL: YOU. NEED. A. LAWYER! A pitbull one! Do your homework, ask questions and read all you can.
        My new pitbull attorneys froze our assets as soon as I signed the contract with them. I had done my homework and saw that cheater is full of debts and since assets are frozen and if they remain so, he will just increase them (and they will be his problem from now on). I hope I get him by the balls on Friday.

        Tomorrow I will try to understand exactly what I can litigate for since in my country the law totally sucks: I understand that if we do not reach an agreement, it is 50/50 of assets and debts, no matter what cheater did and why debts were made (to impress OW). The law states that “no one is obliged to love someone forever”, that the State must not interfere in matters of the heart; since 2010 there is no more fault! Oh, why did I not see red flags sooner?

        I’ll finish by mentioning that I would never write mean things to OW because I am actually grateful for her: she provided the irrefutable proof that made me stop spackling and being lazy and stop being disrespected and exploited as source of ego kibbles and income. None of this is her fault. She has enough shit of her own to look terrible with.

        • I also asked my lawyers if we should freeze the assets when we first met and he didn’t’ think it was necessary. Then he said that we would just go after the money he took out at the settlement talks/trial. Now it looks like there’s a chance i won’t get any of it back and he won’t have to pay for the loans I had to take out from family. I wish I would have gotten a more pitbull lawyer and forced him to freeze the assets. I’m so upset by this but there’s nothing I can do now.

      • My own lawyer told me at our meeting on Thursday that it is a law in the books that the loan is a gift and the judge agreed with him at the pretrial. If there is such a law, my own attorney should have never suggested I borrow from my parents. I’m so mad at my own attorneys but with trial finally happening this month its too late to do anything

      • Well, my attorney was a complete wuss. I have to be the hard ass and demand that she ask for support, 1/2 his 401k, attorney fees, the $16 grand he spent on whore juice and the $12k IRS debt. The child support was a given.

        He texted me a couple weeks ago about taxes, he wanted to split the boys on our taxes. I asked attorney. She said that would be fine, but legally since they reside with me, I should be able to claim both. So, I claimed both and told him to f*ck off. He comes back, not fair, we are both their parents. Should have thought of that before your dick started wandering….oh wait…. that started happening before we even had kids.

        Point is, if your attorney sucks….fire them quickly and find a better one.

        • Just FYI, when it comes to taxes she/he who files first generally wins. So take the deductions you are entitled to, the asshole would have to contest it and is unlikely to win.

        • Many lawyers just want an easy retainer. Of course, consult with your local Bar (have to be careful of the nut jobs who will say I am giving legal advice) but do this when hiring an attorney for the battle that will determine your future:

          Ask these questions in the attorney consult.

          1. Do you understand the challenge of divorcing a narcissistic or disordered person? If they say, What’s a narcissistic person?…..leave immediately.

          2. Have many times have you been to trial in family court? How many times have you won?

          3. Do you have the contact info of three clients I could speak with regarding your representation?

          4. My X is a pathological liar/bully/ serial thief/cheater. How will you combat this? If you get a blank stare or snicker….leave immediately.

          5. This has a high probability of being a nasty fight. Do you have the skills/stomach/time to take on this battle? If they waiver, talk about “collaborative” divorces, the value of compromise….you need another lawyer.

          You need to hire the best lawyer you can get to take your case. Even if you have to take out a home equity loan, pawn jewelry, borrow money.

          Never vacillate. These f*ckers don’t care if you have to live in a studio and eat rice. The OW/OM will goad them to screw you over.

          ***They are all cowards. They wilt at the feet of the person who treats them the worst. (another column CL can explore). No conscience will leap up and say, Maybe we shouldn’t f*ck with her 401K that she earned teaching for 30 years…??? No, they will say…We need that money for a condo in Boca Raton.

          Suppress any kindness. You are fighting for your life.

          • I so wish I had this list of questions back in 2015. My lawyer had now brought in a 2nd lawyer and former CPA to be the numbers guy. I just want this to be done but I won’t accept his crazy settlement offer and walk away

      • YES!!! To this. My XH said all kinds of things he was going to do financially. Guess what he got? None of it. He even tried AFTER the binding mediation and went to the bank to get documents and sent me a text with the papers that he was going to get money back from me.
        Defer to your attorney. They have seen it all. Make sure your attorney knows how to deal with personality disordered fuckwits too.

        They WANT to make you crazy and throw nonsense to make you throw your hands up and walk away. I am here to tell you DO NOT do that. Go no contact. Use your lawyer. I ended up ok but got lost in all his bullshit tactics.

        I had friends and family that said – let your attorney and the law work. For me, it did..

    • Debt from a family member is considered a legitimate debt, unless there is evidence of intent to make it a gift. Each state has different laws but, generally, if the loan was properly papered, his lawyer is full of it. By the way, just because his lawyer has taken a certain legal position, it does not mean that a judge is going to agree with that position. Puffery is a very common tactic in the legal profession.

      • Thanks. Unfortunately the last pretrial was in front of the judge who will likely be the trial judge and the judge agreed with his attorneys at the pretrial. This is one of the reasons we’re going to trial. I’m bringing my parents who are on a fixed income, now paying rent and my father with parkinsons. I hope the judge sees they deserve to get repaid. I told my lawyers at our post trial meeting that either ALL our debt goes in the pot including loans from parents or his personal credit cards and loans from 401k and my loans from parents gets pulled out. It has to be even on both sides. My attorneys agreed with me….court, here I come

        • I’m not sure if the loan was properly papered. I found a promissory template on the internet and used that. Basically, I got no maintenance for the past 2 years and need $1k/month from parents to help make ends meet. He makes over $200k and spent like crazy on the OW so he had to take out more credit cards, empty out etrade account and borrow on his 401k. Not sure how a judge can’t see that my $1k/mo isn’t valid when I only have 1 credit card with a 7.5k max and he had all those other accounts to spend with

        • Cheering for you KAF. I have a similar situation, several loans to STBXH’s freeloading, entitled, incompetent siblings. My lawyers think I have a weak case because of the documentation, but they will bring up these loans.

          • Cheering for you too ClearWaters.
            Guess Shakespeare was right…”neither a borrower nor a lender be”. Words to live by.

    • Are you taking advice from your husbands lawyers? Because this does not seem right to me. The IRS *definitely* thinks that loans from family are loans. Forgiven debt is taxable income. Don’t take advice from your adversary. And if *your* lawyer agrees that this isn’t real debt, find a different lawyer.

      • His attorney cited some law in IL to the judge at pretrial and the judge agreed with him. I’m still going to fight it. He had sole access to the etrade account and took 20k out of it. He also took out 40k in credit card debt because he could get that much and took 20k out of his 401k. He also got 50k in work bonuses over the last 2 years that I never got child support from. I totally feel like I’m getting screwed.

          • Family law is local. You need a heavy hitter in that area. The lawyer who goes back 20 years with the Judge, the lawyer who plays golf with that Judge.

            I don’t want to panic you, but court has a momentum, esp. in Family Law. Time and again, once something is decided, it is hard to overturn it.

            A new lawyer, a new lawyer who has CLOUT, can get the Judge’s attention. I know it is stressful, but once you pay the new lawyer the big retainer, it becomes their problems.

            The Judge will not want to rule against his friend/supporter.

            The best untapped resource? Be super nice, and go to the courthouse where you case is. Ask the BAILIFFS and the COURTROOM STAFF:

            What lawyer do you see consistently get good results in this courtroom?

            Hire that lawyer.

        • I am from Illinois too…is it my imagination or is there a remarkable over abundance of Slunts in Illinois?!! Especially in rural Northern Illinois. Something in the water perhaps…
          Anyway, something you might mention to your attorney that you may be able to use as leverage is Alienation of Affection. In Illinois you can sue the whore if she knew he was a married man and pursued a relationship with him anyway.
          Best of luck to you!!

          • Yeah. Not sure about the slunts or then lawyers in this state. My lawyer did mention the possibility of an alienation of affection suit but she’s totally unemployed and he totally supports her and they’ve been shacking up (just finishing college – and yes, 27yrs younger than him – she was our babysitter). With her not having a job I wouldn’t be able to get anything and I’d probably be spending more than I’d get. I wish she would get a job so I could garnish her wages.

  • DC

    Its a difficult lesson to learn DC. Twenty five years ago I keyed the OW car as it sat in my MIL driveway after the Limited swore it was a mistake that morning and vowed not to see her. She just had a new paint job and I dug that key deep. Then I junk mailed her by signing her up for more information on magazine subscriptions. I think the statute of limitations is up by now. Yet, she was sleeping in my bed with the Limited as I was working three jobs to buy a home.

    It is typical to focus all attention and anger on the OW because quite honestly it is hard to believe the person you have invested in has the ability to lie and cheat. Hmm…she must have thrown herself on him because he would NEVER do that on his own.

    Over time I knew it was all on him. He led a double life and rather than focus on building a life, he wanted to fuck his way through it with multiple women. Time to shift focus onto the one who will be forking over the alimony and support. And while you’re at it, given they are both financially secure, go for job retraining and let the fucker pay for daycare, health insurance, and a college degree (if necessary) while you get an education in a field that will eventually give you skills to earn money.

    As far as posting about the OW, it’s done. My gut tells me he will pay to have it removed rather than use it in court, if he finds out. After all who wants a judge to read the details of how a married man dumped his wife and children? Narcs love secrecy.

    Given your financial status vs his I would seek out a skilled lawyer who will make him pay your legal fees rather than free legal services. Chances are he would rather see this over rather than dragging it out.

    • DC – I didn’t post comments, but I did cut one sleeve off each of his shirts, a leg off each of his jeans and the toes off his socks. Neatly and eerily calm now I look back on it.

      I was 3 days into wreconciliation (after a lovely weekend away, where he promised me the world). The GPS alerted me to the fact that despite claiming to be at work – he was in fact 50 miles away at the OW’s house ALL DAY….. (He still to this day deny’s everything – despite overwhelming proof)

      Not cool, not wise (despite the 40 minutes of satisfaction). Used endlessly against me with friends, family, police (he tried to use this to claim other much more serious FALSE allegations), during mediation… No one but Ex cared (even saw his barrister snigger the first time he brought it up).

      I was batshit crazy for an hour, TOTALLY out of character and like you DC, not the person I am/want to be. Unfortunately shit stuff like this can’t be undone. But please, please, please:

      1. FORGIVE yourself
      2. Go NO Contact – it really is the only way to get them out of your head, and avoid stupid stuff. You didn’t cheat – HE DID
      3. Come here every day – everyone here understands, it keeps you SANE!

      And good luck!

  • So you posted that the OW is a homewrecker, she’s having an affair with a married man, so she IS a homewrecker. Even though your husband is a piece of garbage himself. Save all evidence of the affair. The last thing she’ll want with a “high paying” job is more publicity and public scrutiny with a defamation lawsuit. Get a pit bull lawyer and go at your husband with everything you’ve got, no quarter given. You said he has been verbally/emotionally abusive for years so I’m not sure why you are surprised he has left you for another woman. Not exactly out of character for people like him. Again not to sound all new agey but I think the universe has done you a favor by taking this creep somewhat out of your life.

  • P.S.
    I don’t think people find out about these sites, unless YOU link them to it. If she or he stumbles upon it – play dumb.
    To cover your behind, record the date you set up the post, PLUS all your efforts to remove it (dates, messages and replies. File this away (on brand NEW email account you set up for just such documentation.) then forget it.
    We have all been there, at least in thinking about it, so it should not be a HUGE earth shattering find.
    – meh.

    Do seek counsel, admit what you did, your attempts to withdraw and let your lawyer handle it.

  • I am in web development field and have been over 20 years.

    No third party website can remove the content of another website. The data is stored in a database and would take approximately 5 minutes to remove by the website owner.

    What it sounds like is a con to get money out of people.

    DO NOT PAY IT!

    • Just another thing that makes Chump Nation great–we have so many experts who can weigh in on problems.

    • The website owner is usually the owner of the third party site. Especially if they direct you to a certain one or few specific “third party” sites. These sites have to generate money somehow, and this is an easy, if unethical, no brainer.

  • To “Dumped Chump:”
    Don’t worry about the online posting too much. As others have also said:
    1) What are the odds that these two are going to find this stuff on one site among billions unless they know to specifically look for it? Why would they go looking for it?
    2) Even if they do see it, how are they going to know it’s you?
    3) Even if they see it and think’s it’s you, IT’S TRUE. You can’t slander or libel someone if it’s not a lie.

    Plus, I’m not sure what third-party site can do to scrub off posts on someone else’s server. I think those are scams. Even if they do get it off, Google and other search engines retain cached copies of the originals for a long time. Please save your money.

    In a couple of years, you’ll have a laugh about this.

    Now, the texting has to STOP. This Mr. Scumbug and Floozie ARE going to see, and it will get their attention. This is easy to present in court, and, depending on what was said, you could be harassing them. For now, send all communications to them through a lawyer.

  • I looked up one of those “she/he’s a home wrecker ” sites a few months ago just out of curiosity. Man, if anything it just reinforces the sad reality of betrayal. I definitely see the immediate revenge fantasy appeal to betrayed spouses but like many people here already said, you will probably just have to chalk it up to a temporary righteous ferocious hunger to see justice done publicly. In the real world your quieter but more impactful revenge will be to detach with the best settlement and completely remove yourself from the cheaters orbit.
    I confess to spending a good ten minutes reading the exposed home wrecker site & after contemplating putting up my ex husbands side piece with a winning descriptive paragraph I bailed and went bowling with my kids.

  • As a side note – if the ex or OW finds out – DENY, DENY, DENY. If they do find out about the postings – They may think it is you but they will not be able to prove it without costing them a tonne of money. It’s done – oops.

    Stop worrying about it – I’m sure your husband denied having a whore AP which is way worse then some crap floating around on the internet anonymously.

    You are feeling bad because you have a conscience and are a empathetic person who had a small blip in judgement. Forgive yourself and focus on you and the kids.

    Hugs – btw that whore deserved it for sleeping with a married man and taking part in the destruction of your family.

  • So, first thing… take a breath.

    Second thing… take a step back.

    OK – now… what CL said is true… what’s done is done. What matters now is what you do next.

    Get to a lawyer. Get a plan. And stay no contact.

    After Mr. Sparkles decided to contest my divorce complaint (which was very straightforward), I upped the ante and went from pro se to hiring an attorney. He found out when I then filed an amended complaint to include Adultery as the cause of action, naming the OW. ALL LEGAL. Now, where I live is a no-fault state, so it wasn’t really going to impact the outcome much – BUT – it gave me something to negotiate with – something to take off the table in return for something I wanted. That strategy alone was worth the legal fees as I was able to get primary custody. When the OW started yelping about suing me a libel, my attorney said the same thing as Bobbie Faye H. says above… if it is the truth, it isn’t libel. I had phone records, texting records, witnesses. It wasn’t going away just because they didn’t consider it an “affair”.

    CL’s words: “They need that triangle. Your heartbreak gives them a hard-on.”

    THIS… this is what I had to come to terms with when it came to no contact with Mr. Sparkles. You have to let go of “them”. Let them run off into the sunset and fall off the edge of the Earth. This is YOUR FUTURE… don’t fuck it up by being sentimental and wanting closure. If you do, that is on you, not them. Grieve privately and gear up for battle. Get a good therapist and starting journaling.

    You can do this – but not like the old you would have – it’s time to meet the new and mighty you. I suspect she’s amazing.

  • Well, what’s done is done so don’t worry about it. The last thing the OW wants is to have it all over town her name is on a Cheating Whore website.

    The best thing you can do is get a great lawyer. I was also a SAHM, and working a shit part time job when the kids were in school. In other words – I had no money and no way to make it.

    Go to the lawyer and put the retainer on a credit card. The retainer is long gone, so now I pay it monthly. I am ridiculously in debt and that is scary. But what would be worse is to have divorced my stbxh way which would have left me financially bereft and living below the poverty line while he and his ap lived it up on his 6 figure salary.

    Don’t ever take legal advice from your ex. Don’t ever take life advice from your ex. Mine wanted me to stay in my dead end shit paying job because it would have meant less alimony for him. He tried to make me feel that I couldn’t succeed in life. I told him watch me! And now I am in school and kicking ass. In less then three years I will have a career that is meaningful to me and will give me a chance of living a secure life. I’ll never make the money he does, but at least I won’t be dependent on food stamps to get by either.

    So don’t believe the bullshit that you are powerless. You aren’t. Find the lawyer – that is one debt that it is necessary to take on. Fight for yourself, your children and your future. Go no contact with the asshole. Take your life back, sister!! It can be done!!!

  • About posting on an “expose cheaters” site?

    Remember how cheaters respond to blowing up your life: It isn’t a big deal. Don’t worry about it.

    Nobody reads that stuff anyway. There! Problem solved. Actually, I’m a little serious about this.

  • ::knock on wood::

    I posted on one of those sites about the worst and *only* unremorseful one of the OWomen… but did so in a way that let her know that I have proof that it’s true. I sought legal counsel on what would be admissable as evidence. Video, time-stamped screenshots, posted one of the messages verbatim, including all of her stupid emojis, etc. That she can of course petition for a defamation/slander case but that I would win since I could prove that it was all true. That she would have to literally PAY for the removal of the post to fix this, since she hasn’t had to pay in any other way… like simply apologizing, for example, at ANY point in the previous 12 years. (But she’d have to admit that to do so and wouldn’t, even though she knew that I literally had proof. There was video from his employer’s feed, of them in the process of him going down on her… it’s WHY he was fired two days before our second child was born, although he told me that it was the owner being cheap and not wanting to give him a raise.)

    I haven’t heard from her but know that she was let go from her decade-long profession and now travels for work. And Cheater complained that she no longer was contacting him… “she’s just silent.”

    Good. I hope it fucked things up nicely, for her.

  • Dumped Chump: There’s a lot of great advice above–about going no contact and staying that way, about stepping out of their triangle, about refusing to feed them kibbles, and about getting a great lawyer to protect you.

    Your letter indicates to me that you are already in the divorce process, so perhaps you already have that good lawyer. But think about this: you are in the middle of divorce or in the beginning of it, you are a SAHM with no income of your own, and what you are writing about is posting on a home wrecking cheaters website. That’s a potent indicator of what you are focusing on: STBX and the OW. So, assuming what you posted was the truth and assuming you have a great lawyer (or now know that you need one), my suggestion is that you turn your attention to yourself–which, if you are a SAHM who has lived with a man who is an emotional and verbal abuser and a cheater, will be a new experience for you.

    Stop obsessing about what they have done (cheated) and what they are doing now (still cheating) and what they might do (sue you, cause you trouble, leave you destitute). Start focusing on you. Do you want to go back to school? Stay in the family home, or move? Move closer to family? Start a business? Get back to a career you put on hold? Start exercising? Get out of the house so you can talk to adults? Make a list and then start figuring out how to get what you want. Who do you want to be in a year? in two years? in five years? in ten? That’s what you need to put your attention on.

    Infidelity, abandonment, being discarded–all of that blows up our world and sucks the marrow from our bones. It takes a huge effort to recover. You have to want to heal, to change, to grow and it all hurts and hurts. But every minute you spend thinking about STBX and Schmoopie is a minute you aren’t painting the living the color that YOU love or studying for your real estate exam or on a nature walk with the kids taking pictures. Live. Really live your own life. And they will fade to insignificance.

  • All of us here can understand the pain caused by infidentily and how it can turn us sane people insane temporarily. We think with our hearts that are broken to pieces, not our brains. Totally understandable once you’ve been there. So don’t beat yourself up about it.

    As for the post online. Please DO NOT pay a cent. I’ve never heard of a forum or board charging to take a comment down. I don’t know if it can be done but I’m willing to help you try to take it down. I’m not some hacker you see on tv and can get into a system to wipe data, lol. That’s so fake on TV. But I’m in the IT field and would be happy to see what I can do. I don’t know how we can do a private post or get each other’s contact info. Maybe CL can help.

    Hopefully your stbx and hoemaker will never even see it. Also try googling her. Does your post show up? Maybe it hasn’t circulated.

    Hang in there.

    • Both of the posts definitely show up when I google her name and state. But like someone else pointed out I’ve searched so much and been going to those sites in my panic that my search engine lists them at the top now. I’ve stepped away from the idea of paying to remove, after reading all the posts here. If there is anything you can do I’m all for it! But yes not sure how to hook up one on one.

      • DC, do not pay and do not worry about the posts. Let it go. I posted something about exasshole and scared myself for a while but the fact is, the post is anonymous, it’s true and it made no difference to him. I know he saw it but there really is no way to use it against you without making your stbx look like a total asshole. And stop clicking on the page, it just ups the rank. Jedi Hugs!

  • Everyone here knows how emotional it is after D-day (understatement of the year). We all went through the depths of depression, the feelings of helplessness, the mental paralysis, the emotional turmoil, and the highest heights of rage we’ve ever felt. And these descriptions don’t even adequately describe just how strong these feelings are.

    Unfortunately, until we somehow reign all of this in (which can take time), we feed into the drama. Cheaters are inherently narcissistic and selfish, and they love them some drama – when it’s about them, of course. Carrying on with them and their AP online, in texts, on Facebook, or wherever is just more validating drama to them. Like throwing gasoline on a fire.

    I’ve screamed and yelled and cried and been a mess, but I’ve done my best to never let my feelings spill out to her (or others) by text, email, or online. If I’ve ever commented online, it’s been here (anonymously) – and given how all of our stories are nearly the same, it would be impossible to figure out who’s who. However, my communication with her has primarily been done by vocalizing my “comments” to her. I don’t email, text, or get emotional with her online.

    So if you must rage, then rage, but try your best to not leave a permanent trail of it electronically. I know it’s not easy.

  • Do you have a sister? I have two. After discovery/ BD/ D Day there was a pretty funny letter found on OW door.

    BOTH sisters gladly claimed it. In fact, when xh/ow tried to file a complaint, (they were being investigated at work I found out) against me – the officer who came to my house was laughing as hard as I was as I read the letter…. it was a hoot.

    He said there was nothing illegal, or even harassment there, (you are allowed to tell someone what you think of them) but he told me to tell my sisters to chill out. Classic.

  • DumpedChump,

    Here’s another strategy many people here have used. Get out pen and paper, and write a physical letter to your X/STBX and/or OW/OM. Go off on how horrible they are, what they did, their lack of morals, how you hope they suffer unspeakable tragedies, and so forth. Swear a blue streak, call them every foul name you can think of, threaten them however you like, and make sure you get every dark thought you can on the page.

    Then fold up the paper, stick it in an envelope, and put it in your desk, or a safety deposit box, or burn it. Whatever you do, don’t deliver it to them, or let anyone that you don’t trust see it.

    Some narcissists and sociopaths thrive on both positive (love, compliments, favors, and so forth) and negative kibbles (anger, rants, small acts of vandalism or violence, etc.). You’ve just scripted a huge cache of negative kibbles. Do you want the X/STBX to have them, or not? If you’re not sure about that question, the answer is absolutely not.

    It’s a safe way to vent. Repeat as needed. Just be sure to control where the letters end up. If you want to, think of burning them as a way to send the message to the great beyond. And then let karma go to work. Clear your head of them, and reclaim your own thoughts as your own, not something they can hijack.

    Hugs. Peace.
    aeronaut

  • Do not give anyone your money to remove those posts. Agreed with CL—what’s done is done! But DO beg, borrow and use a credit card if you have to to get a good attorney. You need to get what’s rightfully yours. In fact, I wouldn’t even worry about the home wrecker sites right now. Don’t even mention it anyone at this point unless it comes up.

    But DO DO DO hire a decent attorney who only practices family law. I had to let my first attorney go because he wouldn’t fight for me and then spend more money retaining a shark who specializes in family law. He was awesome. And put every detail in the divorce decree down to who pays for school lunches and school supplies. Every. Detail. A good attorney will be able to do that. You need child support AND alimony.

    On the stay at home mom issue. I was a stay at home mom also when my ex left to go live with his married howorker and her kids. I didn’t know what was going on at first. He of course wasn’t truthful and I thought we were just taking space so we could eventually reconcile. I WISH during that time, oh I WISH, I had taken advantage of us having our joint checking account still and not deposited my own money I had made freelancing on the side while I was home with the kids. If you’ve still got joint accounts—like the Happy Haus Frau advises on her blog—start stocking up—gift cards, cleaning supplies, etc.

    I was fortunate to be able to use my freelancing experience to find a decent paying part-time job at a place I love. While money is tight and I HATE having to rely on the alimony and child support instead of just putting it away for the kids, I know it won’t always be like this. I know I did the right thing in finding an organization I believed in and wanted to work for and applying immediately when a position opened, and using every contact I had to get my foot in the door. Is there someplace you’ve always wanted to work? Something you’ve always wanted to do? Like I said, I am part-time, something OW has made snarky comments to me about, but honestly I realized recently I am content and that the additional hours and full-time pay will come when it’s the right time. OW makes crazy good money–like six figures–but she drives more than 90 minutes to go to work and then has to come home to my child-like ex who happily lets her boss him around and takes care of her kids instead of his own. They complain to me all the time (whenever they can find a way to break NC, which I enforce religiously!) about how unfair it is that ex has to pay. That, my friend, is the ultimate revenge–living well and being happy (is life perfect? Not by a long shot!)–while they’re miserable in the mess they created themselves.

    Go get that attorney and go get what is rightfully yours–start living the life you and your kids deserve! And this is coming from someone who’s nowhere near meh yet! Think how much better it is after meh!

    • Great advice, especially about figuring out where you have always wanted to work and what you’ve always wanted to do. This horrific time offers a chance of both re-inventing ourselves and re-connecting with parts of ourselves that we’ve abandoned, ignored, neglected or allowed to die.

  • It’s been a consistent and difficult commitment to treat my ex- how I’d want to be treated if, in some parallel universe, I were in my ex-‘s situation. (I guess probably in another solar system there’s a me who’s a cheater … ? lol) Anyway, especially at the beginning, it took everything I had not to badmouth my ex- to our mutual friends, his family, my family, etc. I went to therapy, talked to a few close friends of mine (not mutual friends with my ex-), journaled, and meditated. Up until about 6 months after the last D-Day, every time someone asked me what happened between us I felt like I was playing Whack-a-Mole with my desire to completely lose my shit and trash talk ex-. But after 6 months things started to slowly subside. I felt like I could say, “It was complicated” and legitimately be able to move on to another topic with ease.

    All that is to say, to the OP: I completely get where you were at and I definitely, definitely don’t judge you. Just listen to Chump Lady and to yourself, keep a low profile, and act with restraint from here on out.

  • My dumbfuck’s dumber fuck buddy, depends wearing douche bag, threatened to sue me for libel if I outed them. I said dumbfucks, you understand that if it’s the truth it’s not libel. I further explained to dumbfucks that the burden of proof that it is an intentional lie is on the accuser. I also pointed out to dumbfucks that dick head can’t even afford his house much less a retainer for an attorney. By then I was laughing too hard to hear what stupidity spewed from their dead soulless mouths next.

    • Idiots always jump to the “I’m going to sue you!” Because they think it’s scary. I work in customer service and I’m told they are going to sue my company on an almost daily basis. I WANT to say “OoOo! I’m SO scared!” ? In my most sarcastic voice but I just let them run their mouths until they get tired and then hang up. I remember as a kid when someone was mad at another kid the cool thing to say was “So sue me!” as an 8 year old I had no idea what that even meant but it sounded so good and attitudey! Oh the good old days!

  • Thank you CL and CN. What an outpouring of great support and advice. CL you pointed out I didn’t state where we are in the divorce process, so here goes. I threatened repeatedly to take him to court, but in the end we worked everything out with a mediator. We live in a no-fault state, so the affair holds no significance legally. I consulted with a lawyer prior to agreeing to anything, so I felt confident our agreement was “fair”. The problem is my “highly successful” STBX spent money faster than he could make it, throwing money in that black hole where his heart should be (new car every year or two, ridiculously expensive hobbies, moving house every few years…). So there wasn’t much of anything to split, except a pathetic little profit from our house that we just sold (couldn’t afford to keep the house and his own apartment, with me not working yet). I get half of his 401k, but again, it’s a small amount because he cashed it out a few years ago for some reason or other. He’s paying me spousal and child support starting this month, since our house just sold and the kids and I are now in our own apartment. He paid the mediator fees of course and my lawyer consultation fee. But I know he’s had to borrow money from family and take out a loan or two to get through all this. So sad. In fact after our meeting with the mediator he cried more than I’ve ever seen him cry. And it was all because of how much money he’s going to be paying me! More than half his paycheck. So sad indeed.

    Yes, I know NC, NC, NC!!! I really am trying! We have a few lingering financial issues (taxes mostly) and there’s always communication regarding visitation. We’ve now set up visitation coordination through his secretary since she keeps his calendar. Otherwise I’m really trying to leave him alone. The OW I am no longer interested in contacting at all. I just hope I don’t forget that somehow and fall off this wagon again! It’s so exhausting!

    • Oh and I’ve decided to move on as you’ve all said – and forget about throwing money at that bad decision of posting on those sites.

      • Dear chump, if you must know, I intend to do the same. I intend to expose OW on one of these sites.
        I’m just waiting for the right moment.
        I waited, for the sake of my son. I got full custody.
        I waited until the divorce was final – we are divorced.
        Now I’m waiting a little longer – I’ll sue him for a higher alimony.
        There’s a time for everything.

        I don’t view it as a bad decision. It is the truth and I have proofs. I’m going to state the facts.
        In the meantime, I mind my own business and build a life for myself and my son.
        I don’t put myself on hold for the sake of revenge. I don’t even put my hopes on getting consequences from it. No, I shall speak the truth. That’s all.

    • DumpedChump, consider setting up Our Family Wizard (scheduling software for co-parents) so that you aren’t dealing directly with the secretary. You can use the software for most all communication. And mostly, moving forward, it will be about visitation, school events, etc.

  • My ex and his current wife and slandered (actual slander) me for real regarding my behavior to other professionals (I’m a psychologist). No one in the court seemed to care. My guess is that if you present that you are sorry in court, the most you will get is a “lecture” from the judge and maybe some portion of your MSA will say no one can post about the other party (this is pertinent with kids…because the kids can eventually see the crap).

    Don’t stress too much. Get a good attorney.

    • Most attorneys will tell people who believed they have been slandered or libeled to write a “cease and desist letter.” That’s about it.

  • Screw those losers. You can’t change the past, and please don’t pay anyone to remove the posts.

    If ow doesn’t want to be exposed as a whore, she shouldn’t be a whore. Simple as that. If more people were aware of what these creeps are, it might cut down on adultery, if even a little bit that would be great!

  • I would just add it was the “other woman” who posted on-line about me.
    I got the police involved and the site.
    The site just took it down, and the police took it quite seriously but said it has to happen twice.
    Just don’t do it again.
    It actually made me feel better to realise the OW was so insecure.
    The only winner is the idiot ex who plays women off against each other.

  • Got to say in the early days of finding out about the affair I itched to post on those sites also. In my case the OW didn’t have me blocked off of her facebook sites. She wasn’t aware (and he wasn’t either) that I knew. I quietly compiled information. When I decided to hit I hit hard. I had a list of her friends list on facebook. I picked out her family and older friends to message. While the OW was on facebook saying her and my husband were planning their up coming wedding I was sending messages to her friends. The messages stated her husband to be is married already. That husband to be had just been released from Federal Prison on drug sales. I included sites and prison number so they could confirm. Her response was that I played every dirty trick available. That I wasn’t a NICE person. (smile)

    My hit hard continued. I knew she was in the process of divorce for having an affair. (not with my husband) I sent her husband all the documentation along with my husband’s criminal record. She lost everything in the divorce. I continue to supply her X-husband with information regarding his children. She fled Texas with his kids to Mich. where my husband was living. I supplied her X-husband with enough information he filed Child Neglect charges with Child Services in Tx.

    I had tossed my husband out and was “No Contact”. I did not find the “chumplady” website till many months later. Little by little the rage I felt diminished. My focus now on getting the best results in the divorce. Do I regret how I handled the beginning of the end? No I can’t say that I do. I do know If and when the OW picks another victim she might now have second thoughts. According to the OW’s immediate family , it’s just a matter of when. Prior relationships she had upper hand over the spouse. Guess this was the first time she took a huge knock down. My soon-to-be X knew I’d come out fighting.

    Everything I put out on the WEB and by mail I had the evidence documentation listed or enclosed. They could verify it themselves. I do not fear getting sued. Getting a good attorney is most important. I was lucky that my kids were adults at the time. I did not have to deal with custody issues. Being my X is a felon I’ve had to keep my head up on other tactics he has tried.

    Most of us here have dealt with the extreme anger and hurt. We all deal with it in different ways. You reacted to it and now have regrets and second thoughts. The whole process is a learning lesson in right and wrong. I’m not Mother Theresa , I’m me. I learn from my mistakes. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and close the door on the past. There are new doors to open.

  • My cyberharasser has a bunch of targets she posted on those sites. I’m not an OW just a fellow victim. But the harasser thinks we have money. She’s sent IRS, CPS and because I’m disabled she told Social Security I’m a fraud. They all found me innocent of all charges which just pissed me off more. One of her victims spent over $300K to remove postings. It’s futile.

  • You really don’t need to post an ad in the newspaper to highlight that your EX is a DOG. Trust me, people in his life know. They knew long before you did. Eventually, you will see this.

    Dumped Chump, I get it. You are angry and you have few opportunities to release your anger. Here is the part that sucks – you are going to be angry for a while. So you really need to find some healthy outlets: boxing, spinning, whatever. Focus girl.

    There’s lots of good advice on this site. On that point, you might need to get some stronger advisors: a good therapist, a good lawyer, etc.

  • I recently had an experience with a site that posted innaccurate (harmful) information about me.

    Their site advertised that you could contact them to have inaccurate info removed or amended. Multiple attempts and weeks later to no avail.

    I made a complaint to the BBB, and also filed a Google site complaint, and also a whois (https://whois.icann.org/en) complaint.

    Everything was removed without a word within about 2-3 days.

    Good luck.

  • I found my attorney by asking for recommendations on local moms Facebook pages. Sad, but these ladies know. Or know someone who knows. Also, someone who specializes in family law, and being female doesn’t hurt either.

    One attorney I talked to said to avoid posting things on social media that could be construed as slander. He said “don’t say he’s an axe murderer or something like that”. To which I replied, “well, what if he is an axe murderer?” It’s not slander if it’s true! I all but said exactly what he did (randomly sleeping with prostitutes for 5 of 6 years of our marriage)…merely disclosing that I was cheated on. But oh did I want to. Vent to those who care, and in an untraceable way. It is unfortunate that you can’t have a justifiable rampage, but these are litigious times. Hang tough.

  • Sorry, but the husband who had an affair is the home wrecker. He chose to have an affair and wreck his marriage and family. It’s mostly his fault. The OW was a willing participant. But she could be anyone. So you should blame your husband, not the OW. If it wasn’t her there would be someone else.

      • Emily I agree with you. HE is the one who had the responsibility of wife and children. For some reason I was especially angry at her last week. Trying not to give either one of them any more of my energy!

      • The OW violated social norms and the social contract, too. Yes, our cheaters were more guilty because they violated their vows to us, and destroyed our trust. But their affair partners don’t get a clean bill of health nor a moral pass for deliberately acting to break up families and poach marital partners. Cheaters and their APs are BOTH guilty, and both worthy of contempt.

        • While I agree Xh is more to blame, his punishment came in the form of $$$ lost and peer repsect. Ow got off virtually consequenceless. So, since I couldn’t give her a beat down, I posted her on every one of those sites I could find. Just in case she didn’t see it, I emailed links to her friends, family, co workers (anon, from the site) and called her parents to inform them that her BF was my husband, and had been, the last 4 years. All handled in a respectful, factual, non editorializing way. If OW didn’t want to be shamed, she shouldn’t have acted shamelessly. 🙂 None of this effected my D and there was zero blow back.

            • Emily, I strongly disagree.
              First, on who is guilty. They are both guilty! It takes 2 to tango.
              I get a feeling that you know that already.
              Secondly, you are judging the chump reaction to being cheated on. “it’s not what he did, it;s her reaction to it”.
              Feeling hurt, enraged (get my nickname?) and vengeful is absolutely normal.
              To conclude, I’m going to ask you directly: are you an OW? Not that I care, I’m just raising some red flags to Chump Nation.

              • No I am not. I was cheated on and I read this website to help me get over it. But I’m not a chump. I dumped him immediately and walked away. Not saying it’s easy. I can’t say I’m not angry at the OW, but my ex was the one I trusted. So he had to go.

              • Everyone’s had their say, now we can go back to supporting, instead of judging, each other. Waffles responded to her situation as she saw fit–by telling the truth widely. Many of us would have liked the same opportunity.

              • We all react differently to hurtful situations. All emotions are normal. Our work is to feel but not let the negative emotions sweep us away into situations we may later regret.

                For instance, my husband emailed me for a divorce on my son’s graduation day. This was preceded by a year of emotional abuse (ignoring me, being distant and cold, basically checking out). So the day I got the email I was overcome with sadness, fear, grief, anger. It was so hard. My kids walked in later and asked why I was crying. (They were 12 and 14). I said because Dad wants a divorce. My ex reminds me of this all the time. Says it was a terrible thing to say. And he’s probably right. And I beat myself over not handling it better. But part of me wants to be kinder to myself and forgive myself. I was in shock. I was Steve’s rated.

                We’re only human. I certainly didn’t want a divorce. I certainly didn’t want to find out there was someone else waiting on the sideline. My future the way I pictured it was robbed from me. From all of us here.

              • Mjo–You simply told the kids he wanted a divorce? You did NOTHING wrong. It was a factual statement about a painful situation. That your X/STBX is blaming you for telling the kids the truth makes me want to berate him up one side and down the other.

                No, just no. Do not beat yourself up for that; I applaud you for being honest and not gaslighting your children. You didn’t even editorialize. Unbelievable what these cheating jackasses do or say to make us feel bad about ourselves when they are the ones who treated us like crap for YEARS, and then blow up families for the sake of their egos and genitals.

                You handled that situation perfectly well, better than most, in fact, and you did not harm the children (and I am a developmental psychologist, so you can trust me on that). Tell your X to shove it. Huge hugs to you.

              • ge has been telling me this repeatedly for months. That I should have left the kids out and not “blurt” it out right away. Are you sure it was ok what I did??

                What was worse was that my ex’s mom texted my oldest son the next day (because my ex told her that I immediately told the kids) and said: “this is not about you. The love in their relationship is gone.i don’t doubt that. The problem is she shows it in a way where HE doesn’t FEEL loved. He feels attacked. This is their problem, not yours.”

                That quote was word per word, and she’s a psychologist.

              • Mjo–You did NOTHING wrong, and in fact were quite tactful in how you handled the situation with your children. Cheaters will do ANYthing to avoid consequences, including public-relations consequences (even with their own children). You were sad, your children asked you a question, and you told them the bare bones truth. You were brilliant. Your children now know they can trust you to give them honest answers, and know that you are their stable base.

                As for your mother-in-law–skirting the line of evil to involve your children at all, or to surmise what happened in your marriage. Not all psychologists are good psychologists (read enough on these pages and you’ll see the damage some therapists have done to CL members). Your story makes me wish I had a few lightning bolts to throw around. Hugs!

              • Thanks Tempest. I’ve been carrying this weight and shame for so long now. Shame in that he made me feel wrong for saying Dad wants a divorce. For him, it’s that I said it literally five hours later. He wanted us to sit down and figure out a way to tell the kids. Actually, he never told me this verbally. It was part of his email two sentence package I read on my phone as I was leaving the graduation ceremony. I was completely in shock. Numb. It’s weird because when I remember that day, I start feeling all the emotions I felt.

              • To Emily, On vengeful behavior and your comment that vengeful behavior reflects more on the betrayed than the other partner and the betrayer. Of course you are correct-vengeful behavior indicates one is hurt or angry. Now there is no reason a person who is cheated upon should feel so angry that they would react in manner that could be seen as inappropriate. People should accept cheating as a normal part of a relationship. Any disruption to the betrayed’s life is simply a pleasant little surprise. Poor, poor affair partners-so often disliked for nothing when they should be loved, invited over for wedding anniversary parties. And when the betrayed becomes vengeful, does that not prove and validate further that the cheater was justified in cheating? Natch. So, you Emily, ever the object of vengeful behavior? Pity.

              • All I’m saying is. It’s esau to go crazy while hurt. You may do things you’ll regret later. Better stay classy with your head high. That’s the best revenge! Make him think hoe happy.. that will freak him out! !

  • CL gave great advice but I might be able to help with the comment on the site and slander issue.
    In the beginning, I too did a post about my ex on one of those sites and of course tried to remove it later when the liquid courage wore off. I lost sleep overy it, I was sure he was going to find it and be so angry! Sue me! God knows what, but it would be bad!!
    First of all stop visiting the post you did to see if it is still there! Stop talking about it on FB. The thing with stuff on the net, it disappears and gets pushed down the list of results the less traffic it gets.
    Stop giving it attention. When you Google her name does it come up? If it does, don’t visit it!
    I have a blog where I talk about the abuse I suffered during a 10 year relationship with a psychopath, I used his first name, James. Every thing I said was true and I never once said anything about wishing him harm. The worst I said was “as far as I was concerned he could drop off the face of the earth” and once I said that if he ever did me harm my son would hunt him down.
    After 5 years and over a thousand posts the police contacted my mother because my ex wanted me charged with inciting violence against him.
    Long story short the cop said, “you can just say anything you want about a person. Some nut could feel sorry for you and go hurt your ex. There are laws protecting people’s privacy.” My reply was, “I understand my ex has his right to privacy but what about my right to tell my life story?” He said to not use my ex’s real name. I explained, “the only abusive relationship I have ever been in was with James so anyone that knows me will know who I am talking about. I have no contact with anyone who knows James and I don’t use his last name so anyone who finds my blog was directed there by James.”
    Bottom line; nothing ever came of it because I was not lying and I did not give last names or addresses. You do want to be careful what you say about someone on the net, it could bite you in the ass big time. It is one thing to tell your story and a totally different thing to slander someone in an act of revenge.

    • it is NOT slander, if truth. Truth as revenge?? haha That means your ex would initiate a cause of action claiming you told to truth as an act of revenge?? haha That would be a big haha, if it got in front of a judge. First, if the judge would hear anything, would be for your ex to demonstrate it was not the truth. Once that was established the ex would be able to go forth to demonstrate it was to harm his reputation. However, in my direct experience and paralegal work, the claimant loses when they lie and the respondent is and has been truthful..the claimant has to prove, and the respondent does not have to disprove, except is generally quite easy for the respondent to expose lies, at least that has been my experience. Think about this-it is dumb to lie in a cause of action; it is dumb for an attorney to represent a liar in a cause of action. Because, neither has examined all the facts of proof you may have. In fact every State has court rules and statutes which state, essentially, all cases brought before the court must be “well-grounded in fact”. Keep this little tidbit in mind-riddle: What’s worse than lying to the judge? It’s when the judge knows you are lying. Also, say for example your ex has a claim of your “5 lies”. You expose just one of the lies, for starters, all else becomes doubtful and as you expose his remaining 4 lies his case weakens in a downward spiral. I think the police officer was furnishing some pragmatic advice, but legally, there is no law against nor punishment for, truth-telling. Of course this is excluding certain legal written agreements about not revealing information-but then we are talking about commercial transactions, or real estate transactions, confidential information shared with a lawyer, even certain private matters shared in confession with a priest (certain criminal acts excluded), with a therapist, things such as that. But a married relationship where cheating occurred, vows were broken-it’s your story, truth and yours-you own it and it is your possession to do with it what you want. Now with all that said, only you know what your ex may do simply because is angry with you for telling the truth. Could he become violent, damage your property, car? That is a different consideration when you evaluate truth-telling.

  • I know it’s difficult to think clearly when you’re mired in anger and hurt (trust me. I’ve been there) but I would like to add something everyone should keep in mind:

    Divorce lawyers are NOT financial planners. Most do not have a full understanding of finance or understand the value of marital assets – specifically, RETIREMENT ACCOUNTS. The value of X does not necessarily equal the value of Y.

    For example: Keeping the house in exchange for STBX’s retirement account is a bad move. Houses do not produce income.

    When negotiating your divorce settlement CONSIDER YOUR RETIREMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially if you have be a stay at home spouse. Remember the value of a dollar today is worth less in the future.

    Do NOT NOT NOT rely on your attorney to assume he or she knows what’s best for you in regards to your financial retirement.

    Also, spouses, especially the breadwinners OFTEN HIDE MONEY/ASSETS!!! If you can afford it, hire a divorce financial planner and a forensic accountant.

    Do your homework.

    Protect your future, and make sure you are set up for retirement especially long term healthcare.

    I am currently involved in a project where we are designing a tool/widget/logic tree to assist with this aspect of divorce, free of charge.

    • Hi Vegan Chump,

      I need to hear this! My situation is so complex: stay at home mom during the entire marriage of 15 years. He was very successful before I married him. He did not make an income during marriage except for dividends he collected and occasional income from a consultant he would place in the tech field (they tried to start a consulting film but never really took off nor was it consistent). We moved from the States to Canada a few years ago. In the States we lived in my rental flat for 10 years. In Canada we rented for 2 years and FINALLY he bought us a house. However he barely put anything down. So, because he didn’t have an income, all money he made before we were married is his. Not mine. As for the house, we have a huge mortgage so I only get half off the down payment (which was peanuts). It would cost me. Fortune to do any forensic accounting into his US funds from Canada. Any advice? I have to pray he’s going to leave me an ok settlement. I never was pervy to any accounts, financial information. Could only withdraw from a mutual checking account.

      • Hi Mjo,

        Unfortunately, I am not a CFP (Certified Financial Planner), nor do I have a law degree in divorce. So I am unable to advise you.

        That said, if it were me, I would research, research, research. There is a lot of good content out there on financially advising people who are going through a divorce.

        To that end, I would not rely on him to leave you an OK settlement. Websites: DailyWorth (a financial website created by a woman for women) and the Forbes.com specifically articles by Jeff Landers covers the topic of finance/retirement & divorce. One article in particular comes to mind: “Divorced Women: How Will You Retire. Google that and you’ll see his other articles.

        Statistically speaking: Divorced is stacked against us (women). 1 in 5 women fall into poverty as a result of divorce. 1 in 3 women who own a home and have children will lose the home when they divorce. 3 out of 4 divorced mothers do not receive full payment of child support. A woman will need a 30% increase in income to maintain the life she was living prior to divorce.

        Also, spousal debt. Be careful that you are not responsible for the debts of your STBXH!

        It never hurts to speak with a financial planner and/or forensic accountant. Sometimes, the initial consultation is free.

        • If you have read my previous posts, you know that the serial cheater was a CFP, Certified Financial Planner-he, a financial failure himself, found his next victim exactly this way-she came to him for divorce planning, he advised her to not divorce so she could inherit everything, he immediately charmed her and moved into her home where he lived for five years until her husband died. Then he started pursuing me, not telling me he lived with someone. When I discovered the truth, he told me he loved the woman he lived with and was cheating upon and was never leaving her. Well, surprise, because she had $$$ and he had, not so many??? So be aware of CFP’s. Remember, the CFP is going to know every penny you have, because you are going to have to tell the CFP so the CFP can do FP!

          • @Danni Smith –

            You assume all CFPs are male?????? I work for a Financial Services company and a decent percentage of our CFPs are WOMEN!

            If Mjo doesn’t feel comfortable speaking to a male CFP then by all means, speak with a female CFP. In fact, if it were me, I would seek a female CFP.

            Guess that blows a whole is your broad sweeping generalization of CFPs, eh?

            I get that you’re angry because you were screwed by a sociopath who just so happened to be a CFP and I do not doubt for one nanosecond that I work alongside sociopaths, but please don’t assume all CFPs are looking to swindle people’s fortunes, assuming they have “fortunes”.

            IMHO I recommend women hire women divorce attorneys because I believe women are wired differently. Women attorneys and CFPs can relate to “women’s issues”.

            Just my opinion.

            • vegan chump: you assumed that I assumed however, I did not. Personally, I have experienced female slime attorneys as well as a male slime CFP. This CFP has damaged multiple and previous live-withs, his 2x ex-wife, the dujour who saw him for financial planning, and he moved in on her and into her home, and then needing more kibbles, I guess, pursued me, a widow, he assumed had some assets. Re-reading my post, I do not see anything that indicates all CFP’s are male or bad. But just as attorneys did not gain a bad reputation for being honest, this advice sharing column is for the purpose of helping. I stand by my advice: Be careful of all CFP’s and why does this woman need one anyway? It’s quite simple-she knows what she has and she know what she needs. If she doesn’t know what she and her spouse have in assets and income, she needs a forensic accountant and not a CFP. Vegan chump may just be pushing her profession. However, Vegan Chump, you are correct that this man is a sociopath who lost his mother’s small $5000. investment right before she died, from cancer, and couldn’t deal with any fight with him. And since you are a CFP, you know that what this CFP did was against the Divorce Planning licensing law, “To advise with fairness to both parties” and your obligation is to report this behavior… better than attacking me, you should have been questioning the morals and ethics of this CFP.

            • vegan chump-don’t know how you made the assumption that I assumed all CFP’s are male, however, this woman’s plight appears to have an aspect of not knowing what income there is or how much. I can understand you would want to suggest your own profession as applicable, however, if she does not have knowledge about her husband’s income and sources, she needs a forensic account. One cannot do financial planning without the knowledge of the assets upon which that planning will be made. As a CFP I would have thought you understand this foundation.

              • @Danni,

                Let’s be clear about something. I AM NOT A CFP. If you read my responses to MJo you would know that.

                Furthermore, I an not pushing my profession.

                When I read MJo’s response:

                “I have to pray he’s going to leave me an ok settlement. I never was pervy to any accounts, financial information. Could only withdraw from a mutual checking account.”

                It gave me cause for concern.

                I agree with you, she should seek a forensic accountant because no doubt her STBX is hiding assets. However, I also a feel, a CFP will counsel her on how she can live and save for retirement, post-divorce. Most women don’t think about their retirement while married until they are faced with divorce, especially if those women were relying on their husband’s pension/401K etc…

                If you read my original comment, you would see that I submitted an idea for a tool/widget/logic tree, that will be free, pre-login that I hope will help anyone faced with divorce. However, my primary focus is women, as we are often disenfranchised, and thrust into poverty, post-divorce, with nothing for retirement. Meanwhile, our Ex’s ride off into the sunset with their assets intact, along with their new wife/new life, etc…

                My goal here is TO EDUCATE/ASSIST WOMEN with the financial aspects of divorce, mainly: retirement. That’s it!

                If a free tool, that was anonymous, no login required, can help women navigate the financial waters of a divorce, get them thinking about how they will live, how they will retire, then that’s a good thing. Wouldn’t you agree?

        • Thank you Vegan. I appreciate your help! I am in Canada now, however maybe I can contact them and they can point me to the right people up here.

          • Hi Mjo.
            I forgot you are in Canada. Hopefully they can direct you, if nothing else.
            Best of luck.

  • The sad thing is that they cheated, they hurt us deliberately, they still laugh at us, they smear carelessly, they raged unreasonably for years, yet we are afraid of telling the truth.

    • Yes and that is the story of the CFP’s 2x ex-wife, whom I now know. She is lovely, generous, sweet, soft-spoken and still emotionally afraid of him. Still not wanting her, (their) two sons to know that he then started cheating with me, while living with the woman with whom he had cheated while married to the ex-wife. He has maligned her, the ex-wife, to me when telling his oh so sad story of his divorce. The truth is he was the monster. And his cheating with me and lying to me about his singleness is the truth of who he is. And that saying, if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you” applies here. A serial cheater cannot and will not ever stop cheating until they die. This man is 69 years old.

  • Please, invest your energy into your life, your children.
    Please be kind to yourself: it is not insanity what you experienced, it’s anger and it’s normal. We’ve all been through it.
    Can you detach yourself from this crap that he created and look at the big picture? It’s not about the OW, it’s about him. His entitlement, him knowing something you didn’t, it’s about deceit. It’s wrong on so many levels. Trust that he sucks, trust that the laws of Universe are working.
    Once you detach from all the drama he created (listen to CL, he gets a hard on from your pain), all he’s left with is his s*ty self and a woman like OW. He does not respect that woman.
    Let him deal with himself.
    Please put your energy into your life. Do the best you can with what you’ve got. There is an end of this hell and light beyond it. Please please make steps towards the light.

  • I didn’t have time to read the answers but if no one said it, those posts will slowly age over time and become less meaningful. And, is he going to sue you for his income, since you don’t have one?

    • Ok WonderNoMore you just made me laugh out loud! Very good point about suing me for his income. I was in a state of panic for a few days over this. So thankful for all the support here. My head has cleared and though it’s not something I’m proud of, I’m letting it go and trying to just look ahead and focus on myself and my children. No more revenge for me!

  • I would say your worries are probably way overblown.

    Even if your post is out there on the internet, it means jack shit if nobody can find it!

    For example: you did not post names. Then it will not come up at all in a search on your husband or OW at all.

    Even if this post comes up in search, it is not likely to be a highly ranked
    Page, especially if your husband/OW have common names.

    Needless to say, if nobody can find it, does it really exist?

  • A lot of people don’t understand defamation law. They think “defamation / slander / libel” means “you wrote something about me that I don’t like.” It doesn’t. Defamation is writing something damaging about someone that you know is not true.

    Defamation lawsuits are notoriously difficult to win, because:

    (1) The defendant needs to have made factually untrue statements about the plaintiff, i. e. not an opinion. My ex-husband’s OW can’t sue me for calling her a “moron” because intelligence is relative and that statement is clearly an opinion. But it was defamatory to call Melania Trump a “former hooker” because there is no evidence that she ever was one.

    (2) The plaintiff needs to show that the defendant made the false statements knowingly and maliciously. Repeating false information that you honestly believed was true is not a form of defamation (although you may still be on the hook if you continue to repeat the false information after being corrected).

    (3) The defendant needs to show how the plaintiff’s false statements about them damaged them financially. My ex-husband’s OW can’t sue me for calling her a “whore” because—even if she argues that I meant it in the factual sense of “a woman who takes money in exchange for sex” rather than the opinion and colloquial sense of “a woman with loose sexual morals”—she can’t show how I’ve financially damaged her by calling her that.

    So, OP, as long as you told the truth on those “expose a homewrecker” sites, the OWhore wouldn’t be successful in filing a defamation case against you. I mean, a nuisance suit can still cost a ton of money. (I have a friend who just spent $20,000 defending himself from an indigent gadfly who filed a pro se libel lawsuit against him). But rest assured that it has no chance of succeeding, and most people won’t waste their money on quixotic nuisance suits.

    Like everyone else said, it’s not third parties offering to take down the postings for thousands of dollars; it’s a racket run by the site’s owners. They are the only ones who can take content down. This is a long shot, but you can go to the site’s Web host and try filing a DMCA claim against the site, alleging that they don’t own the copyright to publish your material. A lot of sites will take the material down just to not have to deal with the legal threats. However, if the site is hosted outside the United States, they won’t care.

    So, all said and done, don’t feel too bad that you did this. We’ve all thought about doing it before. Hell, I threatened my XH a few weeks ago saying if he didn’t cut the bullshit I was going to do it to his ex-mistress. She’s now happily married to a pastor (Jesus cheaters make me sick!) and probably doesn’t want information about her affair online. I don’t actually have any interest in doing it, my XH is just a total asshole to me until I threaten her. If the precious former OWhore is in danger, he’ll actually abide by the child support and visitation agreement. Otherwise he’s always trying to get out of it.

  • I thought I’d update anyone who’s interested on what’s happened with this issue. You couldn’t even make this stuff up – it’s almost unbelievable! Less than two weeks after this original post, OW and STBXH randomly decided to google themselves (apparently just having fun – “hey, have you ever tried googling yourself?!). So of course I got a call that evening, giving me a very thorough beat-down. Funny enough, I had only just decided, earlier that day, that in fact I WOULD spend the multiple thousands of dollars to try correcting this problem (it was weighing so heavy on my mind). So I told them that I was working on it and would pay to remove the posts. Well, after seeking trustworthy professional advice I decided that I would just exhaust any options to get them removed WITHOUT actually spending the money. Of course, those efforts were in vain – I tried sending emails, making phone calls etc to no avail.

    THEN, and this is where it just gets unbelievable – a few days ago, OW’s parents received an anonymous letter in the mail with a printout of the post. Naturally I was blamed. I guess I had that coming, considering. But the truth is I’ve moved on and am looking forward in my life. I have no interest in trying to meddle in the lives of these 2 despicable individuals. Anyway, STBXH is spending $4k to have the posts removed. As you can imagine, he’s full of wrath against me. He threatened to make me pay, but I’ve refused (and since 100% of my income at this point comes from him in the form of alimony and child support, suing me makes no sense). He keeps talking about karma coming back to me for what I’ve caused. Huh. Wonder if he has considered this whole mess could be “karma” for his lying and cheating and abandmonent, not to mention years of cruelty and neglect??

    Anyway, I still hate that I took vengeance in that way. But perhaps the way this has fallen out is justice in a sense?! I had hoped to be able to work peacefully with this man, as we have joint custody of our two children. But his repeated strings of hateful texts, insistence that I am a liar and intent on ruining their lives makes it impossible. I am just keeping things “clean” from my end and leaving him to his hate and rage. What a mess!

    • Please stop worrying, and yes have been following, thanks for updating. You are the true chump-letting the cheater make you believe you are the nasty woman, trying to ruin HIS life! (Written with high level intensity in fingertips, banging on keyboard.) There is not one single law that criminalizes or in anyway creates a tort when you speak the truth about someone. And he is everything you said. Let him pay and in fact if it were me, I would tell him, “You’re wasting your $$, because as soon as you get it removed, I’m going to post it again”.

  • I had to stop reading replies… hopefully you’ve stopped worrying so much. Did they worry about you snd your kids when cheating? No. No one who has not been thru this can truly get the devaststion… you become the worst version of yourself when betrayed. I joined Al Anon and that has helped but there are still days when I want to still make her hurt like she helped to hurt me and my kids. We are only human …. revenge or suicide seem the only way to mitigate the pain…. I’ve contemplated both. Now almost two years later I am doing a bit better… still hsve my days when I want to annoy her like she annoyingly hurt me in the same immature manner. I think her own crappy karma has done some of that… the rest is up to the universe and God and her next mistake… she’s serial cheater.. the next betrayed wife might do worse than me. Peace to all. Mm

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