I know this is ridiculous, but somehow I am stuck on this point. I’ve been waiting to lose 20 pounds to dump my long, long, long-term boyfriend (neither of us wanted to marry because of family situations), who cheated on me. (He won’t admit it, but I am 95 percent sure, but the 5 percent possibility that he didn’t just kills me. I want him to admit it!)
Anyway besides that (and more to the point), I know he preferred me thinner and somehow, somewhere I’m thinking he will feel more like he lost something valuable (me), if I look the way he likes me to look when I break up with him. I know it’s an excuse and it’s pathetic. I know it! However, I can’t let go of it. Please help.
Who cares what he prefers? I’m sure you’d prefer him to be 95 percent less shady. What self-improvement kick is he throwing himself at to be worthy of YOU? He’s the person who threw a spanner into this relationship. Where is his pick-me dance?
Oh right. He’s not doing it. You’re doing it because you’re the chump. You’ve given him the power of validating your worth. You say you want to lose the weight so he’ll care more when you dump him. If you lost weight, THEN you’d matter to him.
Okay, let’s say your hypothesis is correct and there is a direct correlation between how much you weigh and how much he cares. Do you want to live that way? Are you just one cookie away from a break up? Shall you get an eating disorder to ensure his fidelity?
Betrayal is terrifying. The bottom drops out of our presumed well-ordered and secure lives. As I write here often, when that happens, control is a very seductive commodity. Well, if only I had done X or Y or Z, this wouldn’t have happened! Your “if only” is if only I weighed 20 pounds less, he wouldn’t have cheated. He liked me better thin. I know! I’ll lose the weight and THEN I’ll dump him! HA! Revenge!
(This too is a fantasy. I don’t think you intend to dump him at all. If you did, you would’ve dumped him already. There would be no far-off some-day-I’ll-dump-him conditionality.)
You want to matter to him. That’s your problem.
Sorry Wait, you don’t matter to him. Exhibit A — long, long, long-term boyfriend that never solidifies into a permanent commitment. Not sure what those “family situations” are you’re referring to. Are you both already married? (If you are, I’m sorry I answered your letter.) Anything else is spackling over your long, long, long-term pick me dance.
Exhibit B — he cheated on you. People capable of deep love and commitment don’t casually fuck around on their partners. Shallow, uninvested people do that.
Quit waiting to be found worthy. Start living life on YOUR terms. You want to lose 20 pounds? Do it for YOU, not him. Today, right now, ask yourself — is this relationship acceptable to me? Do I want a man I find 95 percent untrustworthy?
You can keep pick me dancing, (maybe all that tapping and shuffling will help you shed a few pounds), or you can hang up your dance shoes and start a new life.
I vote new life.