I met my boyfriend while he was married (25 years) and living with his wife and two teenage children. We became friends and he opened up about not being happy in his marriage, they had grown apart, didn’t sleep together, etc. His wife found out about our friendship and insisted on marriage counseling and they did that for awhile. During counseling he could not make the decision between her or me, so she asked him to move out.
It was causing a great deal of stress within their family, so he said he was moving in with his friend. Within days he was living with me and we have been together ever since (going on 3 years now!) He is great, we love each other and have enjoyed growing together. We have since moved several states away from his family for work. He is my soulmate.
I had hoped during this time that he would begin the process of divorce, but he told me that it would be difficult because of finances and insurance. He felt that it was fine that he and his wife just remain separated. He also didn’t want to do anything to upset his children more than they are. He has one child that does not speak to him at all and another that occasionally calls or texts. Because we live out of town he doesn’t see them that often, maybe a hour every month or two (well, the one that talks to him). I do know that he talks to his wife at least once a week just to catch up. They seem to have an amicable relationship and although she wants nothing to do with me, she has stepped back to allow our relationship to grow.
My concern is that when we return to our home state, our relationship feels different. When we have run into their mutual friends he does not introduce me as his girlfriend. He has never introduced me to his children or his family. He said that his wife doesn’t want me involved with his college aged children and he doesn’t want to push it. And he says that his ex is very close with his mom and siblings and they aren’t ready yet. Our world is an open book when we are away, but when we get back to our home state I still feel like the other woman.
I have recently found out that his wife has filed the paperwork for the divorce and they should be divorced within the next 30 days. I am honestly surprised she did this and a bit upset that he wasn’t the one to handle it. Now the divorce is written to her benefit and he has turned everything over to her, (guilt I suppose). Because of this, he will be in a financial bind for quite a while and I will be the one covering our apartment, cable, heat, entertainment, etc. I started realizing that if it wasn’t for me, my poor boyfriend would be virtually homeless.
So here is the problem — is he with me because he loves me or because he is backed into a financial corner? Is he not open about our relationship with friends and family because he is embarrassed about how it started? I know that our relationship didn’t start under the best of circumstances and I have heard all of the “cheating on you” lines. But I really do love him and want this to work. I just hope he doesn’t ever think we were a mistake.
Wow. Of all the blogs on the entire internet, you chose ME to ask for advice?
You realize I’m a chump, right? This happens every week, for reasons I fail to comprehend — OW such as yourself write to me with their relationship troubles. Heck, I’ve even found links to my articles on OW sites. Apparently, I have this unintended following among OW. Or you guys are like succubi, lurking around a site for betrayed partners, feeding off chump pain or something.
But Rozie, I’m publishing your letter because I could not have written a better public service announcement about the futility and idiocy of cheating than what you just crafted.
You’ve had a three-year long affair with a man who won’t introduce you to his friends, family, children, or anyone in your home state. In other words, anyone who knows him. Are you under an Ebola quarantine or just lucky like that?
His children won’t have a relationship with him, and have zero relationship with you. His family is aligned with his wife. He moved in with you and happily ate cake at his wife’s (and your) expense for THREE years, until she finally lawyered up — and now he’s going to be shit broke and you get to foot all his bills.
Forgive my convulsions of laughter…
But it’s okay because he’s your soulmate.
That’s some heavy duty spackle you’ve got there. Apparently, you’re dimly aware of that, or you wouldn’t have chosen the screen name “Rozieglasses.” Rozie, you’re not looking at your situation through rose colored glasses — you’re looking at it through psychotic delusion.
Poor sausage might be homeless. Thank goodness he’s got you there to save him from the wretched consequences of divorce. Just like you were there to save him from the wretched unhappiness of his 25-year marriage. The marriage he refused to end. Now it’s ending for him — and not advantageously!
You attribute that to guilt? Rozie, judges don’t look kindly on men who walk out on their families, and then shack up with someone else for years. What you’re attributing to his magnanimousness is really just his chump wife finally asserting her power with a good lawyer. She’s given him a tiny taste of the shit sandwich SHE was dealt with his betrayal and abandonment — only he deserves it. A consequence. A fair settlement to the mother of his children. The children he walked out on.
Oh the injustice! How did you think this was going to go down? I’m guessing you didn’t think much past how very much he “needs” you and how super special you are. Make sure you get HBO with that cable package, okay?
So here is the problem — is he with me because he loves me or because he is backed into a financial corner?
He’s with you because he’s an ordinary, soulless cake eater. He doesn’t love anyone but himself. He loves how of USE you are to him. His wife was of use to him too, as the front for his family and childcare for his kids, but she put an end to that shit. Now you’re stuck with him (or, excuse me, “backed into a financial corner.”)
It’s not a question of love or money. It’s a question of cake.
Is he not open about our relationship with friends and family because he is embarrassed about how it started?
No, I doubt he has any shame, and neither do you. He’s not open about your relationship because cheaters like to keep everyone in nice contained zones in which they don’t talk to each other. It’s easier to maintain cake that way, no one compares stories. And it saves them having to keep track of what lies they’ve told whom.
I know that our relationship didn’t start under the best of circumstances…
Yeah. Him being married and living with his wife and children wasn’t exactly optimal.
and I have heard all of the “cheating on you” lines.
You’ve heard them, but do you comprehend them?
But I really do love him and want this to work.
Rozie, it’s not going to work. I want Wendy Davis to be the next governor of Texas. I want thinner thighs. I want world peace. Me loving Wendy Davis, my thighs, or world peace isn’t going to make those things happen. Ooh… I’ll just put my thinking cap on and LOVE harder! lovelovelovelovelove… Nope. The world didn’t budge. Guess I don’t have super powers.
Neither do you. You “loving” this idiot doesn’t make what you’re doing any less destructive, hurtful, pathetic — or unsustainable.
I just hope he doesn’t ever think we were a mistake.
Oh, I doubt he thinks that.
I’m sure he’s congratulating himself for lining up a sucker to pay his apartment, cable, and heat.
The question is — why don’t YOU think this affair is a mistake? Scratch “mistake”, because affairs are deliberate choices. Why don’t you think it’s a really shitty thing to have done to his wife and kids? I know empathy is a stretch for you, so ask — why would you make such a shitty choice for YOURSELF?
Good luck puzzling that one out, Rozie.
This column ran previously.