I am almost a year out from DD. My ex and I are still going through divorce and I thought I was pretty well on the road to healing and even getting close to “meh”. However the divorce has gotten heated over financials and it has started to bring back flashbacks of the lies and all the horrible ways he treated me back then. My problem is, he never admitted to cheating and convinced all his family that I am crazy and he just wanted to get away from me.
I never had any physical proof other than one 40-minute phone call and circumstantial evidence. He started lying about his whereabouts, which I caught him on from our credit card bill, started stockpiling on breath mints (his car was loaded and found them in every pocket), came home and would go straight upstairs and change, wash his face, etc. One day I even found spots of wet semen in his underwear that he took off right after coming home. He gave me four different excuses on four different days for that. He also deleted three months off our phone call shared log and refused to let me look at his phone saying I was invading his personal privacy. There is more but you get the picture.
My biggest problem with moving on is he never admitted to cheating, yet just decided he wanted out of the marriage because I was snooping too much. Didn’t care that he was breaking up our family (we have twin boys) and refused to go to therapy. My gut knows he was cheating but he still claims he was innocent and shows no remorse. Now his mom won’t talk to me either because apparently I made this all up even though I told her everything I knew.
How do I move on without an admission to the obvious? I am stuck on this. I feel like I will never be able to fully get past this until he admits I was not crazy and he was having an affair.
Dear Crazy Lady,
Don’t predicate your healing on what your ex does or does not do. He’s not going to admit to cheating. He’s not going to apologize. He’s not going to change his character-assassinating narrative that This Is All Your Fault. Why would he? The story of cruel Crazy Lady and her Ridiculous Trust Issues is much more palatable to him (and some others) than the reality of I Am a Shady Fuck Who Abandoned His Family.
But! But! He cheated! Why won’t he admit it?
Because it’s inconvenient for him. First of all, you’re arguing over money in your divorce. Do you live in a fault state? Is there a chance you might get a sympathetic judge? He needs his innocence schtick. You seem to think there is some value to facts over fiction, that reality trumps his self-serving hogswallop. You’re failing to look at this through the lens of the disordered — “truth” is situational. Whatever story helps him get what he wants is the “truth.” People might look upon him differently if they knew the facts, so he changes his “truth” to match his agenda.
Trust me, if people were handing out medals for abandoning children and fucking around? He’d be right there claiming his prize. That’s why the “truth” changes depending on the audience. If the audience is a fuck buddy? That’s one truth. If it’s his mother, that’s another. If it’s you? Story changes again.
Don’t try and understand this shit. Just recognize that these shape-shifting amoral fuckwits exist, so you don’t get broadsided. I’m sure if you told big, whopping lies all day you’d break into a sweat and grind your teeth at night, and suffer all sorts of guilt. Not the disordered. There’s no empathy chip there, there’s just pure unbridled self-interest, so it doesn’t faze them.
When you expect disordered people to live by the norms of rational, caring humankind — you’re going to be bitterly disappointed. The best you’ll get (and only if there is a boot on their necks) is feigned half-hearted “understanding” of the Mistakes Were Made variety. So let this unicorn of closure go.
I feel like I will never be able to fully get past this until he admits I was not crazy and he was having an affair.
You are not crazy. He was having an affair. You WILL get past this just fine. Hold on to your integrity and your grip on reality. You know what you saw. If he were innocent? This is not how loving people behave. Someone who cares would go to great pains to make you feel secure. They would be transparent. It would hurt them to hurt you (aka: empathy). You had none of that.
Let the fuckwit think and feel and spout whatever nonsense he wants. You don’t control that. You just control you. (How many times do I say that a week? I should start an odometer or something…) Focus on building a new life free of his mindfuckery. Get some distance. Point and laugh at his delusions. Never give those delusions the power to stop your progress. (HE MUST ADMIT HIS VILLAINY!)
Trust that he sucks.