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Facebook Is NOT Helping You Move On

Previous generations got to break up with people and never had to see the jerks again. A hundred years ago, if you were lucky your cheater rode the rails out of town to Butte, Montana and fell down a mining shaft.

Unfortunately, you’d never get to enjoy that particular bit of schadenfreude. However, you wouldn’t have to spend the next five years getting his Facebook updates either. The photoshopped selfies. The parties you weren’t invited to. The adoring, clueless idiots that comprise his coterie.

Our great-grandmothers didn’t have to watch their ex-boyfriends flirt on social media. The founding fathers never rated their hotness and tweeted about it. No, the days of glorious anonymity and social isolation are gone. If you want to know what someone’s up to now, you can usually find out. Now it’s up to a chump to exert self-control. You want to untangle the skein? There’s tantalizing clues everywhere on social media.

He said he dumped me because he has to take his studies more seriously, but he just tweeted that he’s taking a two-week vacation to Cancun! 

She’s been dating him a YEAR? This is their anniversary? We’ve only been divorced FOUR MONTHS!

Holy shit, they have a CHILD together? Is that, is that my grandmother’s crocheted afghan in the background? HE TOOK MY FUCKING HEIRLOOM BABY BLANKET FOR HIS SKANK? 

Social media is not your friend, chumps. Please, just go and let these people be dead to you.

Look, I know the occasional hits of schadenfreude are irresistible and keep you coming back for more. He’s gained 60 lbs. She got a shitty Christmas present when she was expecting a ring. He’s living in his mother’s basement. She cheated on her new schmoopie. He got fired… I get it — it’s one thing to trust that they suck. It’s so delicious to see it confirmed.

But it’s still energy you’re directing at them. It’s still mental real estate they don’t need to be taking up. You’re better than this.

And face it, for every nugget of schadenfreude you unearth, you’ll also have to suffer the onslaught of their impression management. The feigned fabulous can rock the sturdiest of chumps. Boy, he looks so happy now. Maybe it was me. Maybe I suck? Or the injustice will eat at you — how come SHE gets a vacation and shiny new things and I’m paying for it as I eat soup alone in my studio apartment?

Look, narcissists need impression management and social media is narcissist crack. It’s the ME channel! 24/7 access to ME! If you tune into your cheater’s Me Channel, you’re playing their game. Believing their spin, or at least wondering about it. (All kibbles are good kibbles!) The narcissist wants to project — aren’t you jealous? Aren’t I all that? Or they want to project normalcy. See how cute and banal I am? I have a pet. I have a mom. She’s having surgery. I like the same movies you like! I scored 1400 milking shorthorns on Farmville! 

You know they’re freaks. You know where the skeletons are. So why are you reading the propaganda?

Seriously, WHY? To get incensed? Oh sure, prattle on about pixelated dairy cows, you bitch. I know you fucked my husband! What good is this information to you?

I suppose you could make a thin argument that you have children together and you need to know what your ex-spouse is up to. But do you REALLY? Do you really need the details?

Look, I like Facebook. Especially the baby pictures. The most distant acquaintance can have a baby and I’m all Like! Like! Like! I enjoy my cousin’s accomplishments. I share the occasional grumpy cat meme. Facebook has its place. It just doesn’t have any place in your recovery.

So let’s just pretend your cheaters all fell down a mineshaft, okay? Keep it old school.

This column ran previously.

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  • On line affair blow up our life.
    2 months on I have successfully managed not to look up his shady life or hers on the net and I don’t have a fb account thank god. Had one years ago but thought it was lame and canned it.
    I have vowed to spend time in the real world doing meaningful things with real people.
    The internet makes me feel a bit sick when I think about its role in our families decline and the power is has over modern life.
    Happy to be going old school and moving to real things rather than this narcissistic pond.

    • In mediation next week I am going to be very clear that photos of our kids are not to be put on social media by him or sent to anyone outside of our family.
      I am still trying unsuccessfully to remove photos from a public account wing nut opened in 2007 with photos of our kids on it. As he has a million emails and passwords he has lost track of it all and thinks nothing of it.

    • Lady B I completely agree about the internet. It does have some great uses but when I hear Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, and all of these online instant messaging and “dating” sites–big triggers for me. Oddly enough my XH was never on Facebook–that is the only social media account I do have–so maybe he avoided that on purpose. Affairs happened before the internet but it makes it SOOOO much easier for the cheaters to find whatever perverted shit they need to fill their empty souls.

      • Agreed!!!! I hate to sound like Church Lady here, but I feel like thirty years ago you had to work to have an affair! The internet has brought out the inner shitbag of so many people who at least might have never had the opportunity.

        Plus whoever heard of the term “emotional affair” before the internet? I’m sure it was a thing, but now you can have a full blown affair and NEVER MEET THE PERSON.

        • Beans, right now there is a man blogging who is madly in love with the woman he has never seen. They don’t even know what each other looks like. Does that make any sense? No. We have become a world of blithering idiots.
          For those of you who use Facebook for family pictures I have a suggestion. Get off Facebook completely. Then tell your loved ones to text the pictures to you. Because your phone is small and you want to see the pictures clearer send yourself an email from your text. Then save your pictures into your own cloud account and delete the email. It saves memory and you have the pictures and the text. Back to Facebook. I deleted that app. I forgot my password so I could not unsubscribe. I continued to get emails alerting me every single time someone posted. I had to click on each of those emails and unsubscribe that person. It took me several days but I fortunately did not have a blue zillion friends. Once that was done somehow Facebook started texting me. I’m thinking of suing them for harassment. Just kidding Facebook leave me alone. I have not missed it a minute. I tried Twitter for one day and lost my mind. Twitter doesn’t bother me anymore. I think they gave up or I managed to unsubscribe. This is getting to be really hard work. Friendships should not be so hard. As for people who cheat, I do agree that we have become a society of narcissistic, self-centered, entitled people and it shows in how we treat each other. Social media. There is nothing social about people who cheat.

          • Listen to what I learned at an IT class:

            Facebook brags that it is “free and always will be.”

            An IT Security said to think of FB like this.

            A man knocks on your door and says he will paint your whole house has for free. You don’t have to pay him anything.

            But, in return, he has the legal right to go through all your drawers, papers, correspondence, boxes, computer and closets. That is the exchange.

            He can copy what he finds, download or take photos of the entire contents of your home. He can keep what he documents in perpetuity.

            Is it really free?

  • I dumped the Facebook thing ages ago, blocked everyone involved. The freak show of parading my children was getting way out of hand before I even found out about the affair.

    But what to do about the kiddies? All the nieces and nephews etc? I can’t block them, young adults Ive seen grow up, still calling me aunt. It’s the only connection now and They haven’t done anything wrong. What would anyone else do?

    • Continue. Just because one family member was a clusterfuck you don”t have to punish them all. If they are good to you, you be good to them.

      Here in Canada I only have cheater’s family members. My family is over the ocean. And I have friends.

      I plan to live here and if his family members agree to keep him away from conversations when we get together then I am fine with that.

    • I was in your position and as much as it pained me, I blocked my nieces, nephews, brothers and sister in laws too. I felt bad about it but blood is always thicker than water and the truth of the matter was, I was not likely to see any of them again. I found it best to just cut the cord cleanly because it was the only way I could heal. I had to be more important than his family regardless of their age.

      It sounds cold but it was necessary. I am a huge proponent of the blocking and privacy features on Facebook; especially after a divorce in which cheating is the final act.

        • Same here – cut them all loose and eliminated the pipeline. They are not my blood relatives and they will always have connections to my ex. Yes, I cared about them deeply and it was difficult to do, but I decided that my mental health was far more important than maintaining those relationships. And, I think it (disconnecting myself from those ties) lessened the constant “reminders” of my ex and the past and facilitated the process of being able to move on to a truly cheater-free life. I dumped social media altogether. My kids and true friends can reach me by phone.

          I see my ex-in-laws on occasion at my children’s milestone events. We say our hellos and I hear about how everyone is doing. There’s no lingering animosity. They simply are no longer central in my life. Then when it’s over I go home and happily continue on without giving it a second thought. 🙂

          • Me too – had to ‘un’ friend and get my (grown-up) kids to unfriend all and anyone to do with ex. I rang his also grown up kids to let them know first and why – they understood. I try and stay off FB now – it helps!

      • I just recently did this, at least for most of them. I turned off visibility on my Friends list, so they can’t see who I’m friends with, which seems to help with those who are still friendly.

        Another helpful thing is to go through your old pictures on Facebook and delete the ones with your ex. That way, they won’t pop up in that Timehop feature anymore. I still have those pictures on my computer if I ever wanted to see them. I just don’t want Facebook to show me some memory of when my ex had us all fooled.

    • This is so individual – the people involved, the legal realities, make each choice very unique.

      My divorce happened before social media and cell phones, but we did have email. I had no children or shared property to worry about, so the divorce was simple and swift.

      So, the day I got the letter that the divorce was final, I addressed an email to his entire family, thanked them for their kindness and love as family over the years, and explained that I would deeply grieve the loss of them. I said that I understood that, as his loving family, they would need to be connected to him, and he would need that, too. I said that, because of the nature of the events that lead up to the divorce, however, I could not remain connected to him.

      I said I would not be writing to them again but that I would always think of them kindly and asked them to please remove me from any email groups.

      One cousin wrote me back and told me she appreciated my brave and heartfelt outreach and said she would miss me, too. I cherished that, but I did not respond. She is a lovely person and I miss her most of all, Scarecrow.

      That choice worked for me, but it’s not for everyone, and times have changed. Maybe a version of it could apply somehow for you… You’ll know when the right thing presents itself.

      • Me, too, except I went super old-school with a pen and paper and sent each of his family members a heartfelt note thanking them for what I would be missing about the loss of our friendship. Some emailed back, some did not. His dad had the gall to have his wife (his future OW for whom he abandoned XH’s mom) reach out to me instead of standing up, himself. But that’s on them, not on me. I did my bit.

        I think this column is more about the sort of addiction I battled with and still feel a twinge of, which is to “just peek” at OW’s FB page, or XH’s restaurant page, …. It’s never just peeking. And last time I peeked, I got an eyeful of engagement ring on OW’s finger, which is really fine. Because he is, essentially dead to me.

      • I only blocked my XH. I am very close to my sister-in-law and her girls and their spouses and children. I have held them when they were born and was the aunt who hosted all the Christmas’, family showers, anniversary parties. I love them all. We have an unspoken agreement to not discuss XH. I know that they were upset when they learned he was a serial cheater. They still see him, but see me just as much if not more. I am about to become a grandmother and they are all so excited about there finally being a baby in the family. I am so thankful for their love and support. I don’t want to know what XH is doing and everyone respects that. It’s as if he doesn’t even exist. I am so thankful that Facebook has the block function. I also had to block a couple of girlfriends who were not kind when I first separated. We have every right to only have the people in our lives who build us up.

        • Same, I love my XH sisters and we have an unspoken agreement too, to not mention him much. I am grateful my daughter’s aunties are fantastic. They have been very upset at XH and how he has treated me and they think final OW is a cunt. I cannot imagine not having their support…

    • MidlifeBlast, I did not block anyone except for the cheater himself, the prostitutes following him on social media (who ended up knowing my kids’ faces and names), and the new victim, who was clumsily stalking me on social media (kept getting notifications that she “liked” things and then withdrew the likes — fat fingers, I guess). But the rest of the family — fine by me. Not the greatest bunch (the cheater himself did not come from nowhere), but they can see my professional interests, my anti-Trump rants, whatever. Even him and the new girlfriend would have not bothered me, were it not for his occasional asking me to take down posts in the idea that every post is about him somehow. Granted, I can see in retrospect how something about Austrian art, psychoanalysis, and narcissism — a show a friend of mine had in a gallery — could be construed as somewhat about him, but frankly it did not cross my mind at the time when I was just trying to promote my friend’s show. So blocked he is, together with new schmoopie, and the world — well, my world — is a better place for that.

    • What a wonderfully balanced and varied collection of view points!!! I’ll just stay off that whole thing for now, or if I’m bored, I could create a totally fake persona and only post something really specialist and un-personal like tudor architecture or public toilet decor

  • Facebook was our Waterloo. Ex husband loved it beyond measure as a validation stage and affair generator. Met his gal pal in a “private” music group and it all went downhill from there.
    I admit to obsessively checking out their profiles for a few months post affair discovery, until realizing the life image crafting was all a front – a badly created one at that.
    Eventually, as I got better at staying away from their toxic social media sludge, I had to begin locking down all my accounts because the new girlfriend was apparently scouring my feeds to see if her new prize was backsliding and trying to spend time with me and the kids.
    Facebook is a great place for those who are a bottomless pit of need – I love it for dogs and recipes and vacation pics but I can’t help feeling like its like mainlining validation for narcissists and a fabulous launching pad for affairs.

  • This is a great topic. Social media is so fake and phony that many genuine people shun it, but it’s SO hard to resist when your x and schmoopie are on there posing.

    Heartbreaking indeed. Not conducive to healing at all. Chumps struggle to move on anyway (and rightly so, marriage meant something to us) so social media poses a real problem! Must. Stay. Away.

    • Don’t like FB and never have. Luckily cheater wasn’t into it either, or I would have likely been trying to untangle the skein. I did go to her FB and genuinely get to think WTF? which actually helped. Did not want to go back repeatedly. It seems like turning away from the cheaters group as some did before they do it to you would be helpful too. Any decision you make for your OWN well being is a win!
      Agree most Chumps if on FB would not be the me, me, me variety. It takes too much energy away from actually having a great life.
      Sometimes FB seems like a competition on who has the best life.

  • I deleted and blocked him from FB, along with all his relatives and all the people we knew mutually. I want no way to see him or for him to see me through anyone we knew. All security is for Friends only, not friends of friends, except for receiving friend requests. His friends and relatives who want updates on our children can get them from him…and his lack of responsiveness is unfortunately their problem, not mine. No it’s not their fault…but it is a consequence of HIS betrayal, not my response to it, which is firmly establishing and ensuring no contact.

  • I blocked, unfriended YoYo knickers after a year and it wasn’t all that hard to do to be honest, I was more anxious about her reaction to finding out I’d blocked her. Sound so pathetic when i read that back to myself, but thats the place I was at back then, now I couldn’t give a shit what she thinks. Blocking is good, but unfriending is also needed, that way you need to send a request to become friends again, I think with blocking you can unblock them if you are tempted to snoop.

    I get occasionally posts where YoYo knickers is tagged, such as my daughter sometimes tags her mum, sometimes even that is enough to make me consider leaving Facebook all together. Tracey is right though get rid of them out of your life..I especially like the bit about it being ‘Properganda’.

    Yo Yo knickers did send me a text a few months after I blocked her to say that a mutual friend was trying to get in touch with me via facebook but she couldn’t tag me or something as I had blocked her along with a laughing emoji. Hilarious you silly bitch..I’m sure in reality she was furious that I had the nerve to block her on Facebook.

  • The day I saw the AP’s Facebook page I knew that future visits would steer me off the focus I had to put back on myself. The few times I “peeked” into her world I realized I was only hurting myself. I was hurt enough. Part of my growth was self-love. So I never looked again.

  • Agree – don’t ever be tempted to look at your ex or their AP on social media, it’s what another wise chump calls “pain shopping”

  • I did unblock to see who wished him happy birthday. Not one of our friends. None of my family and only one person from his family. It was a bit of Karma for me. I blocked him again then. He sucks.

  • I blocked and I unfriended the ex-hi and all who are connected to him and his slunt. Unfortunately, well meaning friends give me updates of where the ex is when he disappears on vacation (you know without paying child support). It just adds to the pain. So I have had to tell people, tell me nothing about him, I don’t care. And it’s true, narcissists use social media like crack. Just yesterday my bil, (my side not his) told me some of the garbage my ex has been spewing about me and that all of his friends support him. I said, that’s because they are just like him. Anyone who would believe the lies coming out of his mouth without checking my side is dead to me. I keep my head up. Besides, if I were really so horrible, why did he willingly sign the kids over to me and give full custody? People believe what the want. I read a quote I believe from Buddha ” Three things are not long hidden, the sun, the moon, and the truth”. Eventually his crap will come out for all to see. And I pray that I’m at the place where I frankly don’t care…..

    • People send me screenshots. It’s maddening. Went on an unfriending and blocking spree after dday. In truth, cell phones and social media really greased the wheels of his cheating. Better, at this point, not to be victimized all over again by the sparkles. I know what is under ther, and that is all I need to know.

  • I use FB to keep in contact with friends all over the world. After D-day I used it to chat with my support system, including one who che led on me daily to make sure nothing had happened to me, from hundreds of miles away. I don’t use it to eve look at the life of Narkles the Clown and the Flying Whore. Call it self control if you want to, call it meh, but I just don’t care. I block my posts from him and anyone who knows him. I refuse friend requests from people I know are friends with him. Those started popping up after I blocked him from seeing my posts. The timing was pretty obvious. I wouldn’t die without FB but it helped me through my darkest days to stay connected to my support system and I enjoy keeping in touch with friends who now live in different countries and states. Those are the people who keep me going.

  • The other issue is shut down the people that don’t have him blocked from giving you hits of that drug.
    My best friend was friends on FB with my ex. I blocked him, his family, and his schmoopie but my best friend didn’t and kept that door open for almost a year after he left for the AP. At first I would live for her to tell me the shit they would post and then I got to the place where I just didn’t want to hear the pathetic bullshit of him, schmoopie or EX MIL anymore and asked her to unfriend.
    None of them are fooling anyone, I know who he is and they can post all the smiling concert pictures and “promise”ring photos ( yep, he’s almost 50…..a promise ring) they want. I know who she’s with and she’s probably starting to figure it out too. Good riddance, asshole.
    Shut down the people that try to tell you stuff, they aren’t helping in your recovery. It’s like somebody offering you a drink when they know you are on the wagon.

  • I like Facebook for cute family/baby pictures, keeping up with friends and colleagues and the occasional funny meme. I use the blocking feature quite liberally however. All of my ex-family and his OWife are blocked along with any peeps from our life together and I have my privacy settings on Fort Knox. If you’re not my friend, you can see my profile pic and that’s about it.

    Shortly after I went on my blocking tangent, I got no less than 50 friend requests from utter strangers. Coincidence? Maybe but I doubt it. It’s died down now. I have zero interest in my ex’s life and I’ve never been tempted to unblock the people in his orbit. I’ve had a few friends offer to stalk the OWife’s page but I politely declined. They got the hint.

    Facebook is a photo album gone viral. When I kept photo albums I never put pictures of sad moments in them so I get why people just post pictures of their happy moments on Facebook. That being said, I think because the pictures are so public, it’s easy for people to forget that it’s just one segment of their lives. It doesn’t depict the whole picture. In the case of narcs, they go out of their way to post what they perceive as the “best times” to show everyone the awesomeness that is them. Look at me, I am happy and awesome and did I mention, look at me?

    Yeah, blocking is your friend!

  • Totally agree with today’s post . To me, to continue to allow them to be your friend in FB and remaining as their Friend will not help in No Contact . No contact includes cutting off all news about them and denying them access to your posts (past, present and future). I immediately unfriended the cheater and all his family members (even though I have no beef with them) after D day – we are over. The end. There is no need to make feeble or desperate attempts to remain friends, plus, it really creeped me out to know that he could have access to all the pics of our kids , our family vacations through the 19 years of marriage , birthday celebrations etc. Nope, no more pics of the kids for U . A cheater does not deserve any updates on his offspring . Also, as he had immediately moved in with ow – I had no intention of her being able to view my FB through his FB. That includes Instagram, Twitter etc. Just unfriend and block cheater and his fanily and anyone remotely connected to the asshole already . Trust me, it really speeds up the effect of No Contact.

    • It’s true–I’m not on Facebook, X is not on Facebook, and it has helped my recover immensely. I found out enough information to determine that his current GF was an AP (through other means), and that was the last thing I needed to know. When I do hear about X’s “successes” (like his new spiffy house overlooking the lake), I know that (a) he still sucks and anyone who is in his inner circle will be affected by his toxicity; and (b) I no longer care enough to be bothered by his external trappings of success. He could be living in the equivalent of Trump Palace and he would still be him. My standard of living will always be lower than his, but anything is better than still being married to a lying, cheating, emotional abuser.

      • Hey Tempest, are you on troll alert while CL is working on her bathroom reno? Methinks we had a visitor. See the Abby post below being nasty about a chump wife. I’d like to blast her but I don’t want to feed a troll.

      • Facebook is a stage for them to perform and prove to the world how much happier they are now that they’ve found their “true love.” Expensive vacation resorts, gorgeous homes, grinning from ear to ear, embraced with their photoshopped GF. It’s exaggerated and fake just like they are.
        The last time I looked at X’s fb I was almost embarrassed for him, but more ashamed of myself knowing I was married to him for 20 years.
        It’s all fake, he doesn’t know how to be genuinely happy. His happiness is forced and goes in cycles, exaggerated happiness followed by depression, searching for things to complain about and criticize, feeling sorry for himself.
        I’ve blocked him, his family, and any Switzerland “friends” or “friends” I suspect might be Switzerland. I find him revolting.
        He’s living comfortably but he’s also who he’s proved himself to be, a lying, arrogant, abusive, self absorbed, manipulative, low life con artist.

      • This site sure helps with putting the BS to rest in short order.
        I was more than 2 years in when I discovered CL, and had already done a lot of damage to myself by the way I was handling the discovery.
        Just a shout out to CL & CN, this blog is the best thing ever created for Chumps!
        Hearing all these stories of Chumps taking control early on is music to the ears!
        BRAVO to Chump Lady for desperately needed help.

  • I make the argument that I occasionally like to know what the girls are up to. I have used FB stalking to protect myself in court (he said he was with the girls….but look here he is in Arizona).

    That stated, if there is not a parenting point, any though you put towards them is energy you don’t put to you.

    • I did something like this. We had a limited timeframe post-divorce financial agreement. I kept track of his online shenanigans while that agreement was in place but I didn’t tell him that. Just printed the incriminating horse shit in case I ever needed it. Put it in a sealed envelope (so I wouldn’t read it) and kept it for five years or so, then read it one more time, chuckling at his BS, then shredded it.

      • I am five years out, and I unearthed a file last week where I had kept paper copies of all the EX’s proposals for financial settlements. They infuriated me at the time. They made me rant and fume and want to hurl things against walls. They were ridiculous–asking for 75% of our assets and 60% of my future earnings or claiming “since I brought the lawnmower into the marriage, all the lawn equipment we’ve purchased since then flows from my investment and belongs to me.” The glue holding these lines together was even worse, “I’ve always worked to show you my love and to treat you with more than fairness, so I’m sure you’ll see how equitable my proposals are . . . .” Better yet, “if you can find it in your heart to be more generous than this equitable sharing, I’d appreciate it. Rebuilding my life, something you are forcing me to do, is going to be difficult, but I am not complaining because it is another sacrifice I am willing to make for you. All I’ve ever wanted is your happiness.”

        This time these documents just made me laugh. The ploys and pretensions are absurd. And they’ve gone out with the rest of the recycling.

  • I immediately blocked xh after bomb drop. He had moved out within weeks. I wanted nothing to do with affairland, (after I confirmed and exposed it.) – he had lost the right to creep on me.

    I hand wrote letters to my nieces and nephews whom I’ve known their whole life, and told them how proud I was of them wishing them the best of everything, then I unfriended them, too. Every family member of his was unfriended or blocked. Sad, but one of the best things I ever did.
    Self preservation and privacy from cheater was my first and only concern.

    I never saw OW, I heard they are still together. I don’t know. Good.

    When I get jealous of his “shinny new life” in his McMansion, new cars and their (probable) vacations, I wrote a quote in the tone of one of my favorite comedians; “Remember, these are just two shitty white people, who cheated their families to celebrate the dumpster fire of their twu love in style. May the sentential tire fires of their first hook ups and their next affair burn brightly into the night. ”

    If they ever get married, I am allowing them, copyright free, to use the above quote in the invitation.

    • I am SO struggling with this… (Not FB, We have each other blocked. I’m not a big FBer. I have his family on restricted so they don’t see my very few posts. I am trying so hard to get the nerve to block them. I kind of want to start “sharing” (with just them) a bunch of articles on sociopaths, serial cheaters, pathological liars, etc. just to educate them & see how quick they block me Haha. Thoughts on that anyone…?) I got along with his family waaay better then him. He was awful to his mother. But he kissed her ass during the divorce and she was so flattered she dropped me instantly. (Well, after she pretended to be my friend and was getting info from me and feeding it to him about my separation wants and strategies and to see if I knew who the current whore was. He needed to hide it at work you see. She was Fucking her married boss just before she & my piece of shit “fell in love”)

      ANYWAY, I am having such a hard time with how damn great his life turned out! He bought nice a house the day we closed on ours, Has Whore #100 shacking up most of the time , got a big raise (had his boss sit on it for year during the separation & divorce. I’m pretty sure the raise and back pay came through the day the ink dried on the divorce papers.) He has tons of money (I chumpily settled via mediator for a seriously shitty settlement because after 1.5 years of divorce and living in the same house I would have sawed off my arm to be done with him. He has fucked so many colleges, vendors, clients, used his company expense account to wine, dine, buy airline tix etc. to support sick lifestyle. So, apparently he can literally never be fired from this job. I was an 18-year SAHM, So, I’m basically a secretary for 23k plus some independent contract side gigs. I am renting a crappy little house for an arm and a leg. He makes 150K plus unreal benefits (car, meals, insurance, computers, you name it…) For the record when I quit working to “help our marriage and his fragile ego” I made more money and out-ranked him even though I am 7 years younger. (At the same company.) I am slowly healing (D was final in November.) But I just can’t get past how his life turned out so perfectly what is just what he wanted and I am struggling SO much. I am struggling emotionally, financially (big time) I am alone and not sure I will ever meet anyone…, I work 70-80 hour per week; so I am exhausted. It’s like he “won.” My kids don’t care for him, but are still afraid of him enough to hide it from him. (He has serious control and anger issues.) I am afraid meh will never come if the karma bus doesn’t visit. And I know that sometimes it never does… God, just typing this is making me cry again.

      • Been Chumped- His life is not perfect. No one’s life is perfect. He may have more money than you, but that is because your exhaustion forced you to take a bad settlement. (I am sorry). I totally understand. I caved on an unemployment issue where I would have won a huge settlement because I was exhausted. Many people do not understand that, but I do.

        Could you go back in and file some type of motion for more support? Call a lawyer today! Be pushy to the point of obnoxious.

        FB pages that reflect a perfect life are not real.

        This is the best example I can give you. My best friend of many years has 6 pack abs and she is 47. She posts photos of her in a bikini on FB. It makes me cringe, but people go crazy liking it. She loves the attention. (I don’t have a FB account. I used someone’s else to spy on the Scuzzy Soul Sucker and OW. I know).

        Furthermore, her husband works for some kind of time share, on a high level, and they are constantly checking in from: Hawaii! St. Marteen! San Fransisco!

        If you just looked at her page, you would be sick with envy. How could someone’s life be this perfect? You would look at your Swiffer where you are mopping, your hair in a wadded bun and the only thing fun on your horizon is Law and Order SUVs reruns and piece of chocolate cake later. My life sucks, right?

        But I know her. I know him. They have epic, stomp down drag outs about what to eat. She insists only on “clean” food. So, when they go to these dreamy locales, they cannot enjoy them without “Betty” losing her mind over “Bob” ordering a pizza. The beauty of the moment is lost in her playing food patrol over him and their children. When it is time to order, everyone glances nervously at Betty for her reaction. (Yes, it is hard to still be her Best Friend).

        I also know that immediately after sex, she went to wash her hair and came back unexpectedly and found him frantically masturbating to some bizarre porn.

        I also know that she takes anywhere from 3-4 hours to get ready and you want to shake her shoulders, run up in her face and shout “HURRY UP!!! It is just to walk down the street and get a sandwich!” She makes them miss flights, the children miss school functions, because she is flat ironing her hair for one hour.

        There is more, but her FB and his FB do not reflect any of these actual nightmares. Does not reflect their lives on any level, other than the fact she is bizarrely fit and they get to travel a lot.

        That’s it. It is what CL said…it is PR management. Phony. Fake. Like a Loch Ness monster pixilated in a photo.

        He may be temporarily more in the black than you- but that is all. This disordered types invite trouble on their heads like ants follow sugar. Nomar on this board said, Chumps win the long game.

        You just have to buckle down and play the long game. How can you make YOUR life meaningful and secure?
        Don’t stare of his pretend, photoshopped life. It has no connection to you anymore. I hope you feel better today.

        • Butterbean, you description of your friend could be used to describe my X. He’s a body builder with the six pack abs. He’s also the Hitler of the food police force. If we were at a restaurant and I ordered a salad with honey mustard dressing instead of vinegarette, he didn’t have to say anything you would immediately feel the negative vibe from across the table. The atmosphere would change, he’d go quiet then lecture on the calorie and fat content.. blah, blah, blah.., for what seemed like hours. If not hours then throughout the day he’d repeat his lecture, ugh..
          It’s so refreshing ordering honey mustard salad dressing with out ruining the day.

          • Brit, It is a misery to be around! The tension when you order something that makes them frown. It is no way to live.

            We live in different states now, and I do not miss eating out with her…at all. When we would go to the beach together, she would bring grapefruit and water. Sometimes strawberries.

            The strawberries were great, but I would bring fried chicken and potato salad and maybe some deli brownies? Cold soba sesame noodles or chicken salad and wheat thins with homemade peanut butter cookies? Big jugs of icy sweet tea with real lemon.

            Life’s far too brief. And I could swim out further than her…I had the calories to burn like a little seal while she fried on the sand! 😉

          • Oh man, the food police! X was the Chief . . . there was never an enjoyable morsel or nugget that could be prepared or ordered out that he didn’t have a negative opinion on. Too fatty, too rich, too much red meat, a toxic fish, sugar OMG! On and on.

            He would often decline to actually eat if we were all gathered around a meal that he disapproved of, especially when we were on vacation as a family. His signature phrase if we dined out more than a night or two on vacation was, “I can’t eat any more, I’m too meated-out.”

        • Yes to fakebook not reflecting real life. I lost touch irl with my friend after she fell madly in love and married this guy who took her on cruises, to the islands, for stays at resorts. Their life looked SO perfect, they were always smiling, and I was so happy for her.

          She posted something about a divorce recently so I met up with her in person right away. Turns out he was often violent and had anger issues. He would throw her and threaten and the police were involved, etc. The photos that didn’t get posted were the ones of her shiner and of the bruises on her arms. She said dv was an issue throughout their marriage from day one.

      • been chumped, I know how much it hurts to see cheater walk away with everything in his favor.
        I sacrificed my career for his career, he would tell me it was for “our” career. I moved across the country to live in the middle of no where so he wouldn’t have to commute to where we lived sacrificing my career. I would be retired now with benefits like my friends who kept their careers.
        X makes almost $300,000.00 a year with great benefits, specifically now dental no limit. I’ve been through so much stress I’ve grinded my teeth down to where they’re breaking and I can’t afford to have them fixed. It’s beyond humiliating. During the divorce he claimed disability so he wouldn’t have to pay the standard support I deserved. Now he’s back at work making his annual income.
        I could go on, I just want you to know that you’re not alone and my heart goes out to you. I wish I had a solution to the unfairness. I don’t understand how the judge came to so many unfair decisions. It was if my attorney was on cheaters side. I felt like like a criminal, the judge made all judgements in his favor. X was smug when the judgements were read, and smiling and laughing. X’s AP is an attorney no doubt he was getting pointers from her as well as his own attorney and mine for that matter. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. I hope it helps knowing you’re not alone.., my heart goes out to you.

  • Facebook just suggested that I friend my ex-wife last week. We’ve been divorced for almost two years but she looks like she’s aged five. As far as I know she deactivated her account while we were together.

    I also thought it was somewhat strange as she decided to keep my last name. Little creepy.

    • I have kept x’s last name so I share the same name as my children. Such a difficult and personal decision.

      • Me too… Ugh! At the time of the paperwork filing I was horrified at the thought of not matching my kids. Now I think I made the wrong decision. I hate my initials, I hate signing my name. My signature now is my first name and an unrecognizable squiggle.

        • been chumped –
          It is a personal decision. At the time of divorce I too wanted the same name as the kids so kept it. But as time went on I really regretted the decision. My kids are 18 and 20 and after talking to them, realized it didn’t matter quite so much to them as it did to me. Also, so many of their friends’ moms have different last names. They never changed them when they got married.
          So I went back and went to court and had it changed. It wasn’t horribly expensive but still – I wonder if you could just get a lawyer to file and set up hearing and then go yourself. (My lawyer went with me which added to the cost) It was SO simple once in the courtroom.
          Anyway there’s no right or wrong here – every chump needs to make that decision for themselves but I feel quite empowered with my new (old) name.

        • That’s how I sign my name too been chumped. Now that my son is older I’m considering going back to my maiden name. I can’t stand writing his last name, or even saying it.

      • How’s this, we never married but I gave our boys his last name, there is no one to carry my last name on.
        I would love to change their last name to mine but would need his permission which I’m sure I wouldn’t get. So stupid to give them his name, did it out of love. I’m a chump through and through

        • I went back to my maiden name at the end of last year, 5 years after the divorce. I always wanted to but felt a bit overwhelmed at everything (I thought) was involved. I’m a Brit and it was EASY. Took 10 minutes to change it by deed poll then 2 weeks to get my new passport. Then here in France everything just kinda went ding, ding, ding like dominoes. And I’m so glad I finally did it. I hated signing his name and my kids couldn’t care less – they just see me happy.

      • I kept cheater’s last name.

        He pretended I didn’t exist when he cheated on me.

        My name says I did exist.

    • It costs money to change a name. You don’t want to have a different name from your children. Your last name associates her, a whore, with respectability instead. Of course she’s keeping your last name.

      Why my Cheater’s ex-wife of 10 years, without children, deported back to her own continent, kept Cheater’s last name? I will never know. It was freaking hyphenated. It would have been so, so easy to drop. Being hyphenated was her badge of honor. “Someone married me.” They were together less than a year. When she re-married, she hyphenated with her new husband’s name. When *they* divorced, she went back to just her maiden name, even though their child has his.

      Facebook really is a black hole. For some odd bit of other-worldly coincidences, let me tell you a story.

      My dearest friend is a professor who came to the US 22 years ago but only moved to a college in my city last year. She grew up in the same third-world country in northern Africa as Cheater’s ex wife. By virtue of being from the same, small village, they are acquaintances and FB friends. Best Friend doesn’t like her but she keeps her page professional (articles on social/anthropolgical topics)… what’s the harm? Neither she nor this acquaintance even live there anymore. Grew up in north Africa, Friend lives in the US, and Ex lives in Europe.

      Until, last week, FB suggests me to friend Cheater’s Ex because we have a mutual friend. My closest friend. That’s when I saw it… HOLY SHIT. The Ex’s cover photo is “My Heart is in *Name of City where Cheater and Ex met and married.*” I do some quick math and see that this suggestion was made on the day they married almost 20 years ago… which is also my mom and step-dad’s anniversary. WHY? This is the most astounding coincidence EVER.

      How did I become friends with someone who grew up in the same third-world country’s village as Cheater’s deported ex? Cheater and Ex met on the other side of my own country and Cheater moved here the year after they split for a different girl, then later met me. No one could understand why he’d move to this tundra from an almost tropical climate.

      The online algorithms will fuck.you.up. Block, block, block.

      • I would like to add that it’s not like the algorithm matched us up because of last names… because I don’t even use Cheater’s real last name on my profile. Cheater doesn’t use his real last name either. I wanted some degree of anonymity. Our real last name is the phonetic spelling of the fake last name used for social media, which happened 200 years ago during immigration of his ancestors to the US.

        WTF?

    • Not creepy at all. Please don’t read that into it.

      A name is an entire identity. While married to my ex, I earned a Master’s degree and built a career in a field where name recognition is paramount…. down to coveted email addresses and domain names. There’s no way I’m giving all of that up just because my ex couldn’t keep it in his pants. He doesn’t get to take that away from me.

      And yes, it’s easier to have the same last name as one’s kids.

    • As other posters have commented, there are many reasons why some of us female chumps might want to keep our X’s last names. But I thought it was interesting that you found it creepy that your X wanted to do the same, very likely for the same reasons that drive narcissists to do the other crazy shit they do. IMO, the fact that you found it creepy is to your credit.

      In my case, X has a well-known and unique name in our mutual field, which I stopped working in years ago to support his career. But the career achievements I did make were under my married name. In typical narcissist fashion, not only was X surprised to hear in court that I was reclaiming my maiden name, but he took it upon himself to ask me if I was really sure about it and then tried to talk me out of it.

      Basically he could not believe that I would give up his glorious name to go back to my nondescript identity.

  • Ah, Facebook! That’s where I discovered Mr. Sparkles last porn/hook-ups! Who knew? Porn, porn, everywhere! Regaining my sanity by not snooping or caring or having any contact. One of the 1st things I did was unfriend him and all his pot-smoking high school friends (they are 61 & professionals) then blocked them too. I don’t wanna know any of the going ons. I have a new peaceful life and became a grandmother on Sunday! So I am posting new grandbaby pictures like mad!
    Life is good without the cheater and I am almost to meh!!! Thank you CL & CN!

  • Funny about the photo thing, too. XH wailed “he had NO pictures” in the mediators office. My daughter agreed to scan and send him some. I separated every printed photo (in over 30 years) of him by himself. I carefully packed and sent these – not one had a mar, not even pin holes in the corners. I refused to give him photos of our daughters or me for his girlfriend to mutilate. I’m sure well over a thousand.

    He never mentioned the family scans again, though he had his attorney “follow up” 8 times, at $250 an hour, about a garage sale.

    About a year later, he wrote me and complained “EVERY photo he received had holes or was torn.”
    I sealed that box myself, I knew there was no damage – not to one photo. Either he was a. lying, OR b. the OW in a fit of temper destroyed these picture of him, by herself. I did write him back at this time that I was certainly glad that he only got photos of himself, my proof was in the destroying of the photos he was given.

    I’m never thought of the social media access to photos as being there too. I’m glad we all blocked him. (He did try to set up a fake account in his mothers name, and sent friend requests to everyone in my family – it was a duplicate photo of his mother, and her “second” account. So, he was going to try to creep, as her on us. Pathetic.

    All family photos are packed, and are property of my daughters. They can decide what to do with the wheelie box of prints.

  • He unfriended me on Facebook walking out of the courthouse the day we divorced. Of course up until then, he’d share these ridiculous posts insinuating what a victim he was. There was the one video of Cody Jinks singing, “I’m Not The Devil”…google the lyrics, you’ll see why it pissed me off when he posted it after I filed. Then there was the picture of the Harley that said, “At least your Harley won’t wake up one morning & tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.” No, asshole THAT is not what happened!! It was all maddening!

    FB was where I suspected he was having an affair with his ex girlfriend from twenty something years ago. She was actually his first AP when I was 6 months pregnant with our first child. He said he wanted a divorce back then & then backtracked. I had noticed that they were FB friends about 3 months before he told me again that he wanted a divorce in October 2015. When I asked him if she had anything to do with it, of course he lied & said no, but then she blocked me the next day. The day after our divorce, I called the OW’s husband. He had known all about their affair, but didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news to me. My X had actually blocked the husband months before. He became aware of them through phone records. I informed him that X was a free man & just because he was monitoring her phone didn’t mean jack. She probably had a throwaway phone that kept them in contact. After our conversation, I blocked the X & her.

    His mother decided that it would be cool to make digs at me. I’m a firm believer in “keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer”, so I stayed friends with her. Then she posted something so shitty that my daughter was appalled. Before going NC with him, my X called me a couple of days after his mother’s post & I informed him to call his dogs off or somebody would be getting an ass whooping & it wasn’t going to be me. I finally just blocked all of his close friends & family & changed my privacy settings so that only my friends could see my posts. The sucky part is that I can’t very well unfriend/block my son, but I know he is his dad’s informant of anything I post. After I started IC, I learned about what a Narcissist was (I’d heard the term just was unfamiliar). Ironically, a couple of articles about narcissism popped up in my feed that I thought were interesting reads, so I shared them. I didn’t name any names or call anyone a Narcissist. That very afternoon, one of my X’s co-workers sent me a friend request. I guess he thought I was stupid. He needed a spy. The next time my X drops off our daughter after his weekly hour that he allows her, he accused me of calling him a Narcissist. It all came out that my son told him I called him that. Needless to say, my son & I had a little chat & things have been quiet ever since.

    X has a new girlfriend now (started seeing her right before I filed). Skanky little thing that has 80’s style CRIMPED hair in her profile pic (YUCK!). I blocked her on FB, too. Keeps me from stalking…I made the mistake of seeing if he sent her flowers for Valentine’s & sure enough…it nearly killed me. My daughter doesn’t usually share with me anything he posts, unless it bothers her. There a several pictures of him & his “new family” & how much he appreciates them. Deep down, I wish she would block them, too. All it does is hurt her, but she has this mentality that he’s her dad & a shitty relationship is better than no relationship.

  • My husband had an affair (unbeknownst to me) with what turned out to be a psycho pillhead bitch. When she figured out he was using her ass for cake she went straight apeshit. Like think “Fatal Attraction.” The cops were involved more than once. Most of this shit was oddly directed at me.

    She kept making burner FB accounts and sending me message requests on FB to the point that I figured out that my life would be better without that avenue for her to pursue me. At first I was kinda pissed that it came to that but my life is SO much better without people’s bullshit on social media I even wiped Instagram, Twitter, everything. My mood is better and when I thought about it, the people I spoke to on social media I could easily text. That makes TWO favors she did me, lol.

  • I put this up here just in case you have a narcissist that exhibits similar behavior. Mine feeds off exclusivity and elitism, plus he’s a social media phobic, I think. My STBX claims that he doesn’t have a Facebook profile anymore. When he did have a Facebook profile, he would only allow certain people to be his friends which amounted to something like 13 people – one of which was the OW, though you couldn’t see his friends because he had them somehow hidden. He wouldn’t use his real name, but used a handle – like something you would have for a Facebook “page” and not necessarily a profile. I was included in that small pool of his friends, but he told me once a few years ago that he was considering deleting me as a friend. Yes, that’s right – deleting his own wife as a friend on Facebook. He claimed that it was because I never checked my own Facebook (which is true) and that I never participated in the oh so special and intellectually stimulating conversations that he participated in. He wanted to keep it simple. He also said that we didn’t need to be friends online since we see each other in person everyday.

    At the time, it really hurt my feelings. One of my really good friends from high school had requested to be his friend on Facebook and he had accepted them, but then a few days later – when he told me he was thinking of deleting me – he deleted her as a friend. She and I were pretty close back then and we would text each other every day or so and she mentioned that my STBX had deleted her as a friend on Facebook. I was mortified! I mean, it’s a silly social media thing and this person is a harmless friend that he had met a few times. I was so embarrassed. She told me not to worry about it, but what is there to say? I’m still mortified just thinking about it. I spackled that up as best as I could, but my friend and I have never been the same since. Gee! I wonder why! Ugh.

    Seriously, trust that these people suck because they really do.

    • My X did something similar, suddenly deleted his FB account when I asked him about a song he’d posted there (the lyrics of which were all about loving someone you couldn’t have). He claimed that his “work” and “friend” lives were getting too complicated, so he just had to blow it all up.

      Then not long after we’d been in wreckonciliation, I started receiving “People you may know” notices from FB, that of course included X. He claimed he was only back on FB for “limited” purposes for his work. Lo and behold, within a week he had hundreds of friends, none of which included me.

  • My ex was on FB all.the.frickin’.time. As the Chump Lady says, it’s a great way for a narcissist (did I spell that right?) to get attention. See how cute my kids and I are! See how good I look in my revealing clothes! See how funny my 242 comments (just from today) are! See my deep worry about this awful social issue!
    Of course, it’s all just what she wants to project. Now, whenever someone tells me how happy they look on Facebook, I know to expect a long pity-party text from her about how depressed she really is. (I love the “I haz a sad” picture CL puts up!) As a “meh” bonus, I can ignore BOTH her fake life and her real one!

    Honestly, Facebook is a great way to waste time. I somehow managed to get by 30+ years without it, somehow I’ll manage to live the rest of my life.

  • Abby – you are and always will be kibbles. Doesnt it bother you that you were the side piece???Yeah you heard that right. Your the SECOND, backseat plan. You will never be the love of someone’s life, only the dirty flying whore. Enjoy that. Pathetic.

    • What do you mean ‘always’ ? I’m not stupid like her. I don’t want a cheater. He’s my rebound, good company, but I don’t love him. Anyway I would never marry a cheater duh! I’ll dump him as soon as the divorce is final as I dunt want the smug wife to win. But please…

      • “I dunt.” That is so funny. I larn to read and right one day two cuz I be smart enuff to B an ole coot’s jack shack Ho but he dunts havs to spends no muney on me or nuffin.

        (Guffaw, snort, BURP)

        Poor Abby. Head on back to the Institute. Your day pass is over, your minder is waiting with your meds and mouth guard.

        Don’t fling feces tonight! #abbywinning #sloppyseconds #delusionsarefun

  • Dumped social media upon discovery of affair. Best decision ever! Don’t feed into the narcissistic cesspool!

  • Blocked her, blocked her affair partner, I blocked her parents, now that I am following ChumpLady on Facebook, its tempting to refriend them, and link them to articles, but that would mean that they would learn something, and like she said, “People don’t change.” Not worth it, me venting about them gets enough of my brain time they don’t deserve.

  • Well I guess I am in the minority here because I do look at ex’ Facebook, BUT I do it because I look at his scrawny face and think “yep, you really are that revolting”. I loathe him with a vengeance and his posts don’t bother me at all. Occasionally he goes on some rant about how wonderful Trump is and how he is going to save America single-handedly and I just laugh. Whatever Trump may or may not do my ex has the intellectual capacity of frogspawn so he just makes himself look the prat that he is. And as for new schmoopie, she is attractive. Good for her. She got the great prize – or not. Don’t forget I know that bastard and he is no prize. I guess after about 18 months together she might just be beginning to realize what she let herself in for. No, I look (but rarely post anything myself), because I just get a kick out of seeing exactly what I am free of and how great my life now is without him.

    • It’s true that once you get to an optimum level of indifference, seeing and hearing information about X is akin to watching a movie about a stranger that you met tangentially. I had a headstart on “trust that he sucks” because I was very close to leaving Hannibal even before D-day for his emotional abuse and general suckitude. Now, 2 years out, I could watch him and GF/AP perform every move in the Kama Sutra in front of me, and I would simply yawn and regret the lost hours.

      • “I could watch him and GF/AP perform every move in the Kama Sutra in front of me, and I would simply yawn and regret the lost hours.”- Tempest

        What a Mack Daddy phrase and sentiment!

  • While I agree FB and the like can be a source of neverending torture for a Chump, I think that like anything else it is what you make of it. FB did me a solid-Mr Fab left his messages open one day. I came home from work and allllll those sneaking suspicions about my hubs and our sister in lawI had were confirmed. I hit print, then blocked both of them. Untagged every photo.

    So every now again on a mutual friend’s page there might be a non-sequitur or six on the comments, but I don’t let it faze me. I don’t look for him, I don’t look at him….

    I did get a glimpse the other day, while Kiddo was on Instagram, and as vain and childish as it sounds, happy to report that he has totally let himself go. Bald spot is bigger, hairline is halfway back, but the ponytail is still swinging and he looked about twenty years older. She looks the same, except for the purple Mohawk (she is 47).

    NOTE- I am five years out, nearly, so I got accidental confirmation that I am missing out on exactly zip. For all intents and purposes, Mr Fab and the Downgrade ARE down a mine in Montana. In a bottle. A very, very tightly corked bottle. Otherwise, FB is great for me-I can stay in touch with friends around the world, keep tabs on Kiddo and generally have a life.

    • My divorce was 5 years ago too and that only reaction I have to him is “thank God I’m away from THAT”! And their posed photos just make me giggle. I mean, you can put lipstick on a pig but it’s still a pig! Since my family is dotted all over the world I won’t be getting off FB anytime soon so I’m glad seeing that Twat doesn’t bother me at all.

  • My only comment on today’s post is that Facebook did free me from her. My xw was trolling for old boy friends on Facebook about 3 years before she decided to leave. One of them took her bait and she left me for him. Pathetic! Both are lying cheaters who deserve each other. Thank you Facebook. 🙂

    • I like your positive spin. As my life improves I’m thinking ‘blessing in disguise’ may be how I see it in a year.

  • Not even on social media, but through the kids; he’s telling me he’s making less money this year, so child support will probably go down. Meanwhile he has a gorgeous rental apartment, new, 2 bedrooms 2 baths, on King St W in TO (yeah, you Torontonians know what that means $$$$) and is planning his SIXTH vacation outside the country within the past year. Yup, NY city, Caribbean, California, Scotland, Caribbean again, and soon France. Poor broke sad sausage ….

    Sometimes it’s easy to trust that he ducks. But I’d really rather not know this stuff. Just raises my blood pressure.

  • I unfriended on Facebook, unfollowed on Twitter, and disconnected from him on LinkedIn. I left no stone unturned. I even booted him from liking my business page on Facebook.

    That said, I still find myself looking at his Facebook page because he’s dumb enough to make his posts global, so I can see what he posts without being his friend. It’s masochistic, yes.

    But the silver lining is that doing this has shown me that I’m moving toward “meh”. See, I’ll think to myself that I should go see if he posted anything, and then I’ll naturally get distracted by something else. Hours or even days will pass before I realize that I never got around to peeking at his page. Meh.

    • Anita, I do too, as others here have also said. I refuse to let X’s shenanigans spoil the fact that I can use FB to keep up with friends all over the place. It was also a source of mutual support with other Marine Moms when my son was deployed to Iraq, a lifeline that never would have been possible for previous generations of military families.

      And thanks to the fact that I moved halfway across the country to support X’s career, most of my friends live far away, so FB is a great way to keep up. I think as with any form of technology, it’s what you make of it. Plus, you have to be respectful of its limits and its dangers.

  • Little Rain Cloud Parade used FB to hook up with her old HSBF. They are now married 7 months post divorce.

    I am extremely close to Little Rain Cloud Parade’s family. Her parents became a second set of parents to me, and her brothers are like brothers to me. I still visit her parents regularly, and I still have contact with her brothers. I look at it this way, my relationships with brothers and parents became independent and separate from Little Rain Cloud Parade’s relationship with her family.

    As for FB, I hate it. I have for a long time. I have an old account but haven’t been on it for nearly a year. It is a narc’s dream world, and it is full of bs and lies. No thanks.

    • Exactly the same here. I posted above. Xw was trolling for old boyfriends on FB. Caught an old high school boyfriends from 35 yrs prior, and is marrying him in June. I thank FB for freeing me from her.

  • There are some things that I am happy are no longer in my life. Besides Fucktard, Facebook is high on the list. Fucktard’s mother is there too.

    We lost power a couple of weeks ago in the northeast due to high winds. Fucktard lost his mind when he tried texting and calling me and I would not reply. Apparently this went on for over 24 hours before my youngest finally called and asked if I had gotten any messages from his dad. I replied, “Why would I? I blocked him months ago.” He said that Fucktard was frantically trying to get the generator for him and OW that belonged to his mother. I told my son that he should tell his father he didn’t want to get in the middle of it and to just end the conversation.

    Fucktard knows that if he just shows up he will 1) be shot; 2)be put through the wood chipper; 3) go to jail. So, I then got a text from his mother who said she needed her generator for her oxygen machine. I forgot to block his mother and family. Shit. They’re both liars and now, both are blocked. I’m embarrassed that I actually married and procreated with this person.

  • Never did Social Media, never will. Have so many better things to do with my time. If someone close to me wants to know how I am doing, they can just call me or visit and catch up…and vice versa…just like in “the good old days”. I don’t text either…and my email and phone numbers are unknown to everyone but my kids and four closest friends. My privacy is golden, and it assures that I cannot be hurt by “news” from sources that I do not associate with. Everyone who associates with X has been culled from my life…my kids have nothing to do with X including through social media…my family only tolerated him for my sake and have nothing to do with him.

    I supposed it helped that all six kids were already grown and gone…and that his two kids from his previous marriage ghosted me, while my four kids ghosted him. I was already emotionally detached by the time the final betrayal signaled the end of the “marriage”. Porn “addiction”, heavy drinking and multiple major financial atrocities over the years had already taken a toll on my heart and flat lined it. I strangely felt nothing for him even when I found out about his affair…that is how his OTHER character disorders worked to slowly free me from him. I was delighted to realize that I had already owned a beautiful piece of property in the land of Meh by the time X left…but I know that part of the reason I got there was my commitment to myself to “see no evil, speak no evil, and hear no evil” once I started getting my ducks in a row after catching him in that affair. I feel sorry for those who have to co-parent with their X.

  • It never hurts to remember that Facebook was created by misogynistic college boys (terms used intentionally) to rate girls at some Ivy League school on their f*ckability. That’s it.

    It has now grown out of control like the Blob, but that is its Genesis story.

    Most things don’t stray far from their roots. If someone shows me, I will take delight in animal and baby photos (like those adorable children who crashed their Dad’s Skype session on BBC!) but at its core-

    it is just people shouting to the world: LOOK AT ME!!! I….am….fabulous! To narcissistic cake eaters, it is a siren song they cannot ignore.

    Deprive the ones that busted your heart wide open the privilege of your gaze.

  • This post is so timely. I have just under 200 Friends on my FB. I have a smallish circle that fits my OCD.

    Keep in mind that on D-Day when I blocked the ex, he tore through his own friends list and deleted EVERYONE who ever knew me except his coworkers and family. There was no way that with plans to shack up with Schmoopie he was going to deal with any consquences or WTF Lip from anyone. One remaining Switzerland friend did screenshot his Public Announcement of Love for Schmoopie, and the staggering 2 likes it had gotten after several hours. And the WTF aren’t you married responses which he deleted. I don’t know why that person thought that would be helpful. It hurt. A lot. That was in June of 2014.

    This time last year my ex-stepdaughter’s biomom, in other words, the Wife Before Me, friended me. I think she was ramping up her challenges to custody and wanted me to give her dirt on Cold Slab O’Meat and his Lady Circus. We’ve tried to stay in touch with stepdaughter, and she’s mostly ignored us as Daddy has New and Sparkly Instasiblings to Instabond with.

    I was tempted. I thought I was ready for a front row seat to the Karma Derby. But I think the key to being friends with anyone on FB is would you be friends with them without the single association that caused you to cross paths?

    I was looking at this 42 year old woman posting daily pouting sexy selfies, bitter workplace rants and racist and anti-Muslim memes. She’s toxic AF. I felt all the discomfort come back of the Narc triangulating with me, all their petty, permanently enmeshed custody squabbles, and just said after TWO days, Nah, sorry. I have earned the right for this to not be my problem anymore. I sent her a note telling her I wished her well but we had nothing in common but our daughters. I pointed out some of the memes she was posting were just not true. She retaliated by demanding her daughter unfriend my daughter, her stepsister of three years. So that didn’t go well.

    That day I went through all my contacts and deleted really anyone that really wasn’t on there with good will and good intentions. Cold Slab’s two incredibly superficial male work friends. Old boyfriends and near misses of mine that really I don’t have a need to speak to. Family members and coworkers that use terms like “You People” or “Those People”. You get the idea. Keep it Simple. It wasn’t politics, I kept several friends who think really differently than me. They just aren’t A-Holes.

    Didn’t realize till this morning that the ex’s brother, whom I’ve never met but was always kind to me, was still on there. But I sent that fucker a whole sheet of Batman Stamps plus postage to Wales and he promised to send me Cadbury Curly Wurly Bars in return. Guess who never kept his promise? Surprised? Bye, Fucker. Bye.

    • Aww Luziana – I’ll gladly send you some Cadbury’s Curly Wurly’s – perhaps Tempest could help as she has my email addy – I’m completely in no need of Batman stamps though! 😀

  • When I dumped the cheater I dumped every mutual acquaintance of ours along with him including his family. It was a hard step to take but necessary for true total no contact. I haven’t looked at his or any of their social media in the year since I dumped him. It’s tempting sometimes but I keep my self control.

  • Chumplady’s warning about narcissists’ super powers of impression management apply both to social media and real non digital social life. I am five years out, and in a solid great place, but my very sparkle charming ex still takes time to execute drive-by shootings of impression management that are still my kryponite. Sadly, I live in a small community where my ex and now live in AP are.

    I have had delicious moments of comic schadenfreude, believe me, but all of those our counterbalanced by periodical vapid narcissist press releases. It is what they do, and it took my five years to realize that being 90% disconnected is not enough.

  • It never occurs to me to check his Facebook page. I’ve discovered that he checks my LinkedIn page but I have absolutely no interest in his life. My kids tell me the things they really think I need to know (which is very little).

  • Facebook played a pretty big part in the demise of my marriage. I was never in to it like everyone else. He hooked up with long lost “friend” After the divorce I went on. I found myself checking out his family and friends. It made me feel worthless and weak. I deleted my account and unfriended everyone to make it that much harder to just “sneak and peek” I don’t miss it at all. It sucked the life out of me and the time too.

  • I have never been a big FB person. I sort of messed with it early on, but it just never took for me. As a result, it has been super easy for me. I blocked him I think once I got him out of the house, then once we had a signed settlement I went in to quietly unfriend him… but he had already done it. I think I may have a few of his family members around, but honestly – I go 6 months at a time without looking at it. And when I do – it mostly just check messages, check friend requests (most of which I don’t do anything with) and call it good.

    Funny thing about ExH, the Whore and FB. We have talked before about how some of these assholes become like fucking teenage girls with the Whore. Constantly texting and talking. Thousands of texts, always playing with new app, whatever. I remember looking at his FB page once, at the point that I knew he was a cheater, and noticing that she was nowhere to be seen. Now, there was no way that these two were not all over FB with each other, because they literally were acting like teenaged brats. It dawned on me… yeah… he’s got another FB page that he uses with his whore.

    So I give you that to consider as well. Just because your cheater isn’t all over social media, that’s not to say that he doesn’t have an account somewhere else that he/she is using for god knows what. I would recommend writing into your divorce decree some rules regarding social media if you have kids, then cut off all contact via social media. If it is a good platform for a few friends or family members, then maybe keep it, but many of us could do just fine if slashed our friend list down a minimum and didn’t make social medial a regular part of our existence.

  • The AP was a prolific FB user, she had to take it down- worried about her community slut-shaming her. Somehow I am pretty sure she has made a fake profile and is snooping regularly . So I made a profile after the divorce and started posting- unedited, unfiltered, awesome fun pics – including all the places I visited.
    I know it sounds shallow or vain… but I want them two idiots and their families to know that they can NEVER bring me down!
    They laughed at me when I was a crying ball of nothing. They thought I would wither away into the dirt.
    Now, they can watch me thrive! I work full time, I travel, I date, I am fit , my dog is happy and my family is close.Yes, I want to rub it in their faces.

    • I hear ya. I look better than I have in 12 plus years, trim fit and strong. He’s commented on how hot I look, oh well your dumpy ex is a hottie now and its not yours anymore, enjoy being single. Stings harder as we had good sexual chemistry.

    • I get it! If I were dating a pro surfer, I would open an account and post photos of us like mad, all loved up and happy.

      The insane (clinically insane, like ole Abby above) OW Scuzzy is with opened a FB solely to publicize their relationship. He is a 50 year old man that never even did a Google search. Now, FB!

      When I saw how repulsive she is-

      she writes posts to people like this:

      Where u stay? (translate: Where do you live?)

      it just made me hate Scuzzy more. The grief at what he did was outweighed by disgust at what a lowlife he blew up our lives for….a handful of dust. She is the opposite of fabulous. She is a vicious dumb sweat hog.

      I then saw that her mother was homeless. Like actually homeless, begging people frantically if she could park their car on their land so she could live in it. I clicked off at that point, and I must admit…I felt a delicious…something, tinged with some sympathy for her mother.

  • Whenever this topic comes up with me, I feel like Im in Confession with Father Frank —- “Bless me, Chump Nation, it has been at keast 14 months since I have looked at his Facebook page— or hers — “..,

    We have each other blocked, and my Facebook page is as locked up as possible…

    I do have one example to share of how f*cked up The Evil One is

    Within a few weeks after he moved out, he got our daughter for his weekend, and took her tablet with her to his house . Well, the tablet was synced up with one of my Google email addresses. Luckily for me, it was my benign, safe for work Facebook page that I did not share a whole lot of anything on.

    However, there was enough on there it was also linked up to my other Facebook pages – I have several Facebook pages for Candy Crush Life swapping in Pet Rescue Saga life swapping, LOL—- so the Facebook page that the evil one was able to access, he was able to see who all my friends were and things I had posted. luckily, he didn’t see anything cuz our divorce was not even filed yet, and I did not want any delays or complications arising from him snooping around my Facebook—– anyway, the part of the story I want to share, is that he saw that I was I am friends with my first ex-husband /father of my two sons on Facebook and all of my pages, but I have him blocked. So when he returned our daughter, he made a comment about how it was okay for me to be friends with my ex on Facebook but have him blocked—- the craziest thing about it is that about 6 to 8 months before D-Day, I noticed on Facebook how the evil one would not share or tag me, it looked like he was actually blocking me, but i never confronted him— a couple of friends even asked me if everything was OK with us and I would always put on the spackle and say that we were fine—

    months later, I realized that it was true. In fact at one point, he had completely unfriended me but friended all of my friends on Facebook so I could literally see him engaging in conversations with all of my friends on Facebook around me, including one of his intended (but not successful, LOL) OW’s

    So then after D-Day, after our reconciliation attempt failed, he moved out, and that’s when I went on Facebook and told my friends everything. You would not believe the number of people that sent me messages telling me all the things he’d been saying and posting on Facebook the few months before, so when we sat down to negotiate the terms of divorce I showed him just a fraction of what I had from my friends of his nefarious entanglements on Facebook and I think that is one of the many many reasons he consented to so many things in the divorce…

    So now 2 years later, I do still have to fight the urge occasionally to lurk/stalk, but I don’t. I fight it off. I tell myself to just move along, nothing of interest to see there…

  • first thing i did when i moved out, and got my internet connected, was block her, the ap and all the (now) non-friends. there’s a level of irreversible blocking on facebook where you can’t even search for them – it’s like they don’t exist at all. highly recommend it to anyone who’s newly-dumped.

  • I always take social media with a grain (rock!) of salt. I still use. I don’t have a large circle on any accounts. Just people I know and generally like. Fakebook is what it is. A means to show a public version of whatever you wanna be today. That does not interest me at all.

    Mine was a technophobe. But on now. “To keep in touch with the kids.”

    I get the need to purge and/or detach for a lot. For me, the internet has been a lifeline as this small town girl had no real life support. It was all ‘suck it up, Buttercup.’ I culled pretty much everyone in real life. My best friends now have been through this hell too. And most use social media. Messenger is possibly my most used app! But reducing as I ‘heal.’

    I did check the OW’s FB page a couple of times early on. And quickly stopped as it (and she!) was just too pathetic for words. No more interesting on social media than she is IRL ?. We all work out what works best for our own needs and personalities. I haven’t needed to block anyone. But have unfriendly and unfollowed a handful.

  • I’ve told other chumps this before, and I’ll say it again: block your ex on Facebook. Block them on Twitter, Pinterest, LinkedIn, Instagram, Google+, and whatever other social media sites you use, not only so that they are no longer checking in on you (at least, not with ease), but you are no longer able to check in on them.

    If you have kids with your ex and they need to contact you for co-parenting or child support, let them do it via e-mail or phone (and MAYBE—if you can handle it—text. Just don’t let yourself get into text wars with them).

    If there was a main OW/OM, block them too, whether they are still with your ex anymore or not. If you aren’t on good terms with your ex’s family, block them, as well.

    Given that my XH was proven to have stalked me on Facebook looking for information that could be legally useful while we were going through the divorce, I have blocked him, the OWhore, and the co-worker he had an emotional affair with. They are all blocked on every social media site I use because I really don’t care for any of them to contact me and I wouldn’t put it past him to use them to stalk me.

    The most damage you can do to a narcissist is to not care about them anymore, so work really hard on not caring about them anymore. That includes standing around, waiting for the Karma bus to hit them.

    • I do worry that blocking them is kibble though. Like I care too much. I’m just at neutral yet…still angry, and ashamed he cheated (gosh knows why) and sad.
      I just want to be able to see as little as possible (my 20 ~year old posting makes no visibility impossible because I like seeing her photos with friends) .

  • I’ve had my ex blocked on Facebook for years. Occasionally, however, when I look through my daily “memories,” there will be one from several years back that he commented on at the time. So I can still see the comment and his current profile pic. I do delete these old comments from him whenever they come up, but I admit, it stung the past few times to see his current profile pic which is him and his new supposed girlfriend.

  • I was weak, I snooped and should have waited a decade or two.

    He finally posted a photo of he and OW # 2, or 3 (who knows). Either way, they hope I will just let them carry on the charade that this is a new relationship, not one he has been in for 6 years. 5 during our “marriage”. Scuzzbucket before her was long term til she decided to work on her marriage.

    Dilemma …We have a daughter over 20. This complicates things and I didn’t see anyone else mention how they deal with something like this.
    If she is tagged, or tags one of us I end up seeing another family post that still hurts 11 months after DDay. It hurts even reading comments from them. It makes me feel like I don’t belong and I’m being erased. Sort of like during the marriage. I do not, btw, tell my daughter this. Hard enough for her to deal with.

    I unfollowed her so her feed doesn’t show up when he is in it (he tags her incessantly when he goes to visit). My SIL’s were my sisters for 35 years and it is just sad, I loved them. I will have to see them at our daughter’s graduation and wedding. I just saw they are friends with OW now and that hurt. I think seeing the photo made me feel embarrassed, shame for not kicking him out earlier, and mad that they will get by with coming out as a brand new relationship ~post divorce.

    I think I have to block. I know they don’t hate me but it hurts and angers me too much.

    I am not friends with him. I am not friends with OW on FB, can I block them anyway? They both have public FB’s so it’s all out there. I have one niece or two, on his side.

    Suggestions for how to handle this?? FB has been my friend lifeline. I started reconnecting a year before divorce started and during this post D Day phase with the rollercoaster…I don’t want to give it up.

    Blocking friends I don’t trust, and he and OW might make it more comfortable for me as I find my own direction.

    • If you block them, you’ll still see your daughters posts, but not the comments of anyone you’ve blocked. You won’t see her posts if she tags anyone you’ve blocked in her initial post.

      Really. Block them. It’s worth it.

  • Ok. I’m totally in the minority here. Everyone seems so cool with it. Not me. I’m not in full on stalker mode anymore but still struggling. Although I unfriended my ex, I was habitually checking his FB thru my oldest son’s friends list. Saw that he had friended an old girlfriend (I knew he was in contact with her years ago but supposedly she was happily married but NOT true she is divorced). Would stalk his likes to see if she liked them (yes, she did). He posted a montage of pictures of our house and horse property that read like a brochure of “here is what I have to offer and what a great guy I am”. It nearly killed me that he was using my house design and property layout to attract his next partner. Finally had a nervous breakdown down. My brother told me to get off FB and never go back to drink from that well of pain. Others had told me that but for some reason it didn’t click until he told me. Doing better since being off but I still try to find out what he is doing. Discarded after 30 years of marriage of which I took very seriously will do some crazy shit to your brain. The truth is he “discarded” me years and years ago when he forsook his vows. He was just very very good at lying and hiding his thrilling secret life and I was very very good at spackling. Until he wasn’t and I didn’t. Now, I just have to figure out what to do with years of emotions that I held in. Cyber stalking him isn’t the answer but it sure did confirm that I never really knew him. Just have to keep moving forward and not look back. Easier said than done.

    • Same. I can’t believe how similar all our stories are a few variations, but each variation has tons of Chumps saying they have the same story.

      In my case it went on for years — one after another while he was traveling and on an expense account. Me? I gave up a great career and raises my daughter? Where was I all those evenings he was seducing another woman? Home — schlepping the kid around to her activities, nurturing her, taking care of the dogs and the house and the vacation property. Mundane stuff, but necessary. Unless of course, I wanted to outsource everything, which he would have been done with because I’d be being home the big bucks to fund his toys. Never mind that our child would be raised by a nanny — it would project a successful and privileged image.

      Do they go to Infidelity training or something? Is there an online narcissism course for how to break your vows with no guilt, deceive your spouse, wreck the family, fuck up the kids and them love on? Unfucking believable. We may be Chumps, but they are evil. What’s the cliche? A wolf in sheep’s clothing.

      • So many typos. Siri likes to mess with me. I think you can figure most of it out.

        “Move on” in the last paragraph.

        Perhaps I should read before I post.

    • Not alone – over a similar time frame – I too stalked lots after my DD1 when I believed it was ‘just’ an EA and was trying a ‘pick me’ also FB ‘liked’ all sorts of narcissistic crap for too long. Now I hardly go there as I go onward…After 30 years my thoughts are 1. we deserved so much better (as do all chumps) 2. moving forward is so so much the best way to go – taking it one step at a time – one day at a time, every moment we have a new chance to choose how we will be mighty 3.we have come to a very helpful place – thank you Tracy and CN 4. Better late than never

  • HEY!!! I like Butte, Montana. Best place to be on St. Paddys Day!

    It’s not far from me and I admit I hadn’t thought about it potential mine shaft use. Mmmmm.

    I blocked my ex, his can of ALPO and all his friends and family. I felt like I was being watched.

    Not sorry at all.

    • I won’t lie when I say the thing that made me decide to block all those bastards was when I saw my ex mother in law and ex sister in law had friended ALPO on Facebook.

      DONE.

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