By popular demand, today’s Fun Friday challenge is to script your own chump-cheater biopic. Infidelity feels like a bad two-bit drama, with hammy actors reciting the same worn lines, (“Phyllis, I love you, but I’m NOT in love with you…”) So if you unwittingly woke up to find your life a bad Jerry Springer episode, why not write your own ending, chumps?
Who’s starring? What’s the narrative arc? Does anyone fall into a vat of acid? Or an enchanted unicorn forest?
Cheater: Bela Lugosi in a fat suit.
Chump: Winsome with good hair.
Narrative arc: Boy meets girl, has other girl, meets girl, meets girl, meets girl, meets girl… Works a lot of “over time.” Girls 1 – 4 discover girls 5 – 9. Girl 1 initiates divorce, gains a life, finds loving people in her life, a great new guy, and retains winsomeness. Cheater spirals ever lower. Lives in drab rental. Cannot zip his size 44 fat pants. Must drape them over ever larger sofas. Lives a life of quiet banality and below-averageness. Tragically never, ever lives up to his grandiosity. “Commits” finally to his longest-suffering mistress of 30-plus years. Police are frequently called to their domestic situations. And no one ever shaves his back again. He dies alone, neglected, in a puddle of his own filth. Schmoopie doesn’t notice. Until years later she and her cats die and a neighbor notices the smell. The End.