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Your Imaginary Chump-Cheater Biopics

By popular demand, today’s Fun Friday challenge is to script your own chump-cheater biopic. Infidelity feels like a bad two-bit drama, with hammy actors reciting the same worn lines, (“Phyllis, I love you, but I’m NOT in love with you…”) So if you unwittingly woke up to find your life a bad Jerry Springer episode, why not write your own ending, chumps?

Who’s starring? What’s the narrative arc? Does anyone fall into a vat of acid? Or an enchanted unicorn forest?


Cheater: Bela Lugosi in a fat suit.

Chump: Winsome with good hair.

Narrative arc: Boy meets girl, has other girl, meets girl, meets girl, meets girl, meets girl… Works a lot of “over time.” Girls 1 – 4 discover girls 5 – 9. Girl 1 initiates divorce, gains a life, finds loving people in her life, a great new guy, and retains winsomeness. Cheater spirals ever lower. Lives in drab rental. Cannot zip his size 44 fat pants. Must drape them over ever larger sofas. Lives a life of quiet banality and below-averageness. Tragically never, ever lives up to his grandiosity. “Commits” finally to his longest-suffering mistress of 30-plus years. Police are frequently called to their domestic situations. And no one ever shaves his back again. He dies alone, neglected, in a puddle of his own filth. Schmoopie doesn’t notice. Until years later she and her cats die and a neighbor notices the smell. The End.

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  • My ex husband’s face looks exactly like Tom Hardy. My ex husband sounds fairly like Tom Hardy, if you can tell between a slight London chav and a Welsh Cardiff one. Lucky me, right?

    I thought I was! Add a hundred pounds. Subtract a conscience. A work ethic. Any ethics, in fact. Add a skank attached to his tiny turtle dick. I saw those naked pictures of Tom Hardy. Subtract two inches. The skank on his dick- Bruce Springsteen with boobs.

    Add a baby. Conceived on a lunch break. Baby’s cute. Takes after Cold Slab O’ Meat in the face department. God had mercy.

    So now subtract 897.00 a month in child support.
    Subtract Skank. Add Super Feckless Leslie Knope, if Leslie Knope were Balding, Flat-Chested and Bankrupt. Feckless Leslie to the Rescue, Payin’ Yer Bills and Raisin’ Yer Lust Kid and Being Yer New Wife Facsimile Appliance. Without the Wife Part.

    I guess wee Michelle Williams can gain 50 lbs and play me. Well. Across town. No longer a part of the Free Love Bonobo Monkey Circus. Eatin’ toast. Paying Bills. Petting a dog maybe. Precerting some Nursing Home Stays. Solid.

    • Luz, brilliant! Simply brilliant! ???????

      Bruce Springsteen with boobs!….??

    • I have so missed you. Glad you are back. Laughing my head off as always. Hugs and Love.

    • This…Is the best biopic ever!!!! I love your plus/minus accounting. Someone needs to keep those columns straight. ?

    • Right out of the gate, Luziana for the win!!!!! I bow to thee, Luziana!!! Your wit and panache are beyond compare!!!!

    • It’s No fun for a Wife at home or the,
      Other, “LOVER”,
      It’s a very lousy thing for anyone,
      to ever go through!!
      Especially if you’re keeping your,
      MAN,”HAPPY”, if you all know what
      I mean???? If ya don’t??
      Go the hell home!! Whatever whoop it up Buttercup!! That’s me, Small Fry drop dead and Die!!

  • Girl meets boy (couldn’t call him a man) somehow marries boy! Girl cooking his dinner one evening discovers kitchen utensils missing and uncovers his plan to leave her and their child without telling them!!

    • Biggest, we can believe this only because we really really know how cheaters work! Because to a normal person, this kind of sociopathic behaviour would seem implausible, it’d get cut at the script writer’s meeting!

      I’m sorry you had to live with that ass, I hope you’re doing so much better now!

      • Yep, anyone in Hollywood would say, “Beef it up a little.” but we chumps know: it doesn’t need beefing up. This is how it happens in real life. For realzzzzzzzz…..

    • Fuck, he was small enough to not only want to sneak off like a thief in the night, but wanted to take his favorite kitchen utensils? A strange one, to be sure.

  • In my case boy met girl.Girl doesn’t realise she’s being interviewed for membership of narcissistic harem.Boy is consultant and hospital is hunting ground where he has girl (nurse) he fucks every couple of weeks.He also has girl ( doctor) he fucks once a week,and girl ( patient) he fucks monthly.And a secretary he favours with an occasional fuck.It’s so fucking hard juggling this schedule,even for a super stud manipulator.Later,when asked why he does this,he responds with,”Why does a dog lick it’s bollox?”
    Boy is a sociopath,with no startle reflex,so he’s cool with all this.
    Enter face lifted patient.Boy enters exit affair.Girl learns of relationship from national newspaper,a cheap tatty rag,because exit AP is a socialite,whatever the fuck that is.
    All other shenanigans are uncovered.
    Boy moves into AP’s palatial mansion allegedly to live happily ever after,mixes with the glitterati.
    After some time,boy meets another AP.Surprise,surprise.Moves out of big fuck off pad.
    Moves on with next love of his life number what the fuck ever.Thinks this girl might help with slightly stressful transition.Girl says”Get fucked.And meh by the way.”The end.

    Unfortunately,this seemingly unbelieveable narrative is true.
    If I wrote a book,no one would believe the details.

    • Same here. I also got the added bonus of actually learning of the affair via the press. Oh, what fun! As long as I live, I will never forget calling my daughter, who was away at college at the time, and telling her the sordid details of the affair, literally minutes before the story hit the internet (Modern culture’s echo chamber, that takes a nothing story and broadcasts it throughout the globe). It was a special hell and, like you, I don’t think anyone would ever believe all the ugly details, some of which I still have trouble believing! Throw in a sanctimonious OW Jesus cheater who, unknown to my X, was in the middle of a divorce, and the story is complete. I am so happy to be away from the madness. I now aim to have my life read like one of those sweet novels about the quiet goings on of a small village in rural England. I have had all the excitement I need for the rest of my life!

      • Honey, sorry to puss on your bonfire but I live in a small village in rural England.
        There’s a fucking cheating epidemic going on around here. Seems like I hear about one a month. I send them all this way….

      • My big brother, rest his soul, once gave me a piece of advice I hold dear:

        See the show, don’t BE the show. 🙂

    • Holy crap deedee, that is some hell crazy story you have there.!! Terrible experience for you. I hope you’re in a much better place now, in the land of Meh and far far away from the toxic mess that wanker is.

      If not for my own drama series-worthy tale, I wouldn’t understand what you mean about your story sounding “unbelievable”. But since my story is crazy weird too (so much so, I haven’t told many people about it) I DO understand EXACTLY what you mean. Even to ourselves, when we stand back and take a good look at our experiences, it does seem crazy-unbelievable because loco bullshit goes hand-in-hand with infidelity.

      I’ve shared some experiences here with CN, only because I know I am in a safe place with strong women who understand the madness and mindfuck of life with a cheater, and the serious unknotting that goes on to extract ourselves from their BS and warped world. Even when I think about my story now, it’s hard to believe it all happened, as it seems so unbelievable. And I’m surprised myself by HOW I actually got through it all. Only people that have been through it truly understand. That’s why I thank my lucky stars that Chump Lady and CN existed during my time of need, and that y’all are still here for me to check in with every now and then. Hope everybody is having a great day. Stay strong y’all ?

      • Thankfully I am in land of meh.There are even more grotesque and bizarre details I can’t share as my country is small and Arseface fairly well known in his field.But ‘toxic mess ‘is spot on as a description of who he is.
        I will say OW nearly 20 years older than me.My friends thought that fact should soften the blow,but in fact,in my mind it made it suck even more.Some of my pals didn’t get that it was worse.
        Anyhow,all in rear view mirror now.Onwards and upwards.

        • Deedee, my ex’s “dreamgirl” OW is 10+ years older than I. Doesn’t help at all, does it? I do wonder if he left because she takes her teeth out for his much-requested blowjobs and that was just irresistible?

          Meh. Mine wanted a ‘mommy,’ not a wife. And I wanted a partner, not a 64-year-old toddler.

        • Yea it doe snot make it easier if they are older. My X left me for older women 6 years older then me and road hard and put away wet, yeck!

          • His Schmoopie is only one year older than me (same age as him) but yeah, not having her younger doesn’t help. I just try to make a joke of it to the people in the know “he left me for an older woman, he couldn’t even get that right, she is supposed to be younger.”

            • My ex’s first affair was a woman TWICE my age! His final one was a woman in her 40s when I was still in my 20s. Their tru luv couldn’t even last until our divorce was final and the divorce only took a matter of months.

    • I went for a walk to keep my figure for the man I met in highschool 40 years ago! You see We have been married 36 years! Don’t get me wrong we’ve had our problems been through out our marriage! We’ve done counseling early on, 2 kids, 4 homes, affairs, apologizes, etc but we made through for the sake of family and have built a golden egg for retirement! All of sudden I see a car and it looks like my husband! What I think did he he get off of work early to come home! The car gets closer and picks up speed… I wonder why is he driving so fast and plan on scolding him when I realize something is just not right! I look again and he is heading directly for me… I can’t believe it when he hits me and I go flying into his windshield and see him perversely smiling! I think aren’t you going to help me? Don’t you love me? He sees me mangled on the road and backs up over me … to finish me off! Why hadn’t I seen this side of him before? His mistress calls so they can make my funeral arrangements and put a front on in front of my kids! They get married and enjoy the retirement egg that was suppose to be for me! My kids never know the true story…..the end!

    • I would buy the book, read the book, believe the book… probably could help you write it too. x

  • The three main characters in my biopic are Con Job played by cheater; Blow Job played by, well I call her Blow Job in real, always clothed in reinforced knee cargo capris; and the mighty heroine named Need A Job. The script is sketchy still.

    Obvs Con Job is a misunderstood limp dicked love stallion who meets married Blow Job, the most understanding, best listening friend Con has ever had. He learns this in 6 weeks, plus all she can do is listen since her mouth is full. This show has it all – international drama (we moved across the border), sex (in a lot of hotels but not with spouses), a sad part: grandma’s funeral where BJ decided to show her dedication to family (not hers), which impressed the fuck out of Con who announces to Need that “you’ve never shown respect to my family.” Trying to figure out how to insert an irony emoji here. The movie then becomes a porno for a while, the really nasty kind with 50 year old bodies not super aroused, agile or ever ever meant to be on film. Perhaps it becomes an abstinence PSA for a bit?

    The script needs more work, but I think it ends with BJ unemployed as a result of shitting where she ate, Con Job crawling on his hands and knees begging to get back home, and Need A Job hopefully finding a job.

    • Best listener….mouth was full…what else could she do!!! Yup….mine too. She sent a text saying I was just jealous because she knew how to suck her man’s D#$% better than me…..Suck on Sista…. you dropped to your knees and I took his money….and am standing tall…and don’t financially sound. Divorce is about $$$$
      Sucks to be you!! Lmao!!

      • She gives a better blowjob, eh?

        Did she send your a pic of her Girl Scouts for Whores sash with the Blowjob Badge on it too?

        My brother’s cheater ex sent him cell phone video footage of her having sex with another guy! (No idea who was wielding the cell phone camera, but she’s a pig so it could be a whole audience she was fucking in front of.)

        • Unreal. They must have all attended the same finishing school. Classy stuff.

          sex gives some people validation. If he’s wanting to have sex with me, it must mean I’m super important and special. Nope, just a couple of wet holes he can access for free.

          • Bravo, nic! Blow Job wins the (Fake) Fourteen Car-rot Mold Knee Pads! Hell, maybe I should donate my old Tubbs snowshoes for her to-no wait: She doesn’t need any additional help tipping over face first into some guy’s lap.

              • Bwahahahahaha!!!! “She’s been in more laps than a napkin.” That’s just amazingly awesome on SO many levels!

      • Now THAT’S what I call an indispensable talent for the advancement of humankind.

        Maybe this achievement should be nominated for the 2017 IgNobel prize in Psychology or Peace. Or maybe the Olympics in some kind of oral strength competition.

        Tracy, come one, you must recognize her superiority!

        This blog is so much fun today. Too bad I’m extra busy, but I had to comment on this script


      “Perhaps it becomes an abstinence PSA for a bit?”


    • all she can do is listen since her mouth is full…


    • Limp dicked love stallion – oh, I am SO stealing this moniker for my ex!

  • Opening scene: Snagged from Gone Girl….you never know what someone is thinking….until they do it to you. Things you watch on Lifetime movies….and Meredith Baxter Burney plays the lead. Those things….
    Husband of 20 years goes out of town on business….as He always had. Comes back….looks the same, but different….very different. Wife is too busy working 12 hour days to pay for college tuition….standing doing hair. Exhausted and literally immobile by Sunday. Wife takes family vacation with daughters….Hubby can’t go….work…work… Wife comes back to find a gun poetically placed in her vehicle that husband drove all week. She texts him….Why is there a gun in my car? (Thank God for texts…evidence) his reply….Oh it’s not mine, PUT IT UP FOR ME…. Wife does….and months later when other woman is exposed….Wife goes to jail with a carefully placed gun with her fingerprints on it…..
    Wife sits in jail for 10 months. Wife gets out….wife makes a life….A MIGHTY FUCKING LIFE. Wife publicized gun text…amongst other texts to prove her set up.
    Wife gets awarded 60% of all assets….including 58year old Hubby’s 401K. Hubby is now 450k in debt with less than 200k in his retirement…he is 58….his new wifey…36. New Wifey files sexual harassment charges against a male Co worker….. only to be dropped when she is caught stripping down to her bra and panties in front of him in break room. New Wifey is not taken to any work functions….family no longer speaks to him….
    First Wife….successfully got a job with her divorce attorney in his firm. She also started working in the evenings at new Hair Salon.
    Life was rebuilding her. Stronger…than she ever imagined.
    She’s been told to write a book…..
    She just might….she just might.

    • OMG!
      Thank the lord you saved those texts Tracy!
      I remember reading about your situation and thinking unf…ing believable.
      You are a champion, go girl!

    • Oh my goodness, 10 months!!!! He should have been placed in jail as well for setting you up. Special kind of narc but this tends to be their MO’s when they want out. I love that you have risen above the shit storm and even thrived.

    • WRITE THE BOOK! WRITE IT111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111

    • Tracy! 10 months in jail?! I cannot believe a husband would do that to his wife! Yes, write the book. Or write a screen play. You could sell it to Lifetime movie channel. 🙂

      • What was done to you highlights what many people do not understand. In many of these situations, there is a deviousness and a desire to affirmatively harm the cheated upon spouse. We chumps go along in our marriages, never knowing that we about to be emotionally, physically, and-or financially assaulted by the very person who is supposed to love us. Thanks for reminding people that these are not merely “harmless” affairs. It is difficult to understand how the people evil some people can be if you have never been the victim of such abuse.

        • “It is difficult (for some people) to understand how evil some people can be if you (they) have never been the victim of such abuse.”

          Absolutely! I have tried my best to convince my ex-pastor how evil my ex truly is. He knows all the stories, but still doesn’t want to “judge” him.

          I’ve shared Leslie Vernick’s “Five Indicators of an Evil Heart” with him. I doubt he even read it. My ex clicks off each one.

          What my ex did to me for 25 years was nothing short of evil. He started off our relationship together with a major lie (he WAS writing love letters to a woman in England, at the same time he got me to move over 600 miles away from my family –he told me I was his soulmate, among a few other things that I thought he was serious about me. And after he visited her, he lied to me and said she was “just a friend” and probably more bs). I never would have stayed with him if I would have known the truth about her, so entered into a marriage with a cheater and liar, but I didn’t know it. He’s an evil monster to me.

            • Tracy, you be mighty MII-TEEEEER than extreme Mightiness!
              Oh yes, please write the book! Please-I’ll pay extra to have mine autographed!

          • Why try to convince the pastor? Who cares what he thinks. You know. Protect yourself and get away from the crazy. You don’t need someone else to validate reality. It’s reality,

            • In my case, I needed other people to validate reality. Truth is stranger than fiction after all. I was so messed up and isolated that I needed validation that I am not the crazy one.

          • Yes the intent to wish you harm is something people cannot wrap their heads around as they judge on whst a reasonable person would do. After the NPD coldly told me he had ‘no feelings whatsoever for me – probably for 20 years ‘… i was freaking out hysterical practically headbanging the steering wheelni was in so much distress and instead of him driving me home he said ‘what are you going to do now’ and in my trauma state garbled something about driving under a train which was entirely probable under the circumstances. He calmly got out of the car and said ‘i cant deal with you when you act like this ‘ and left me to it. I believe he actually hoped i would have an accident because i found out later he rang a mutual friend to ask them to ring me to help me because he was really scared i would do something to hurt myself …apparently he was desperately upset (not when left me he wasnt). Then to confirm his ‘worry’ for me he went drinking with his buddies for the rest of the night. Of course he didnt even message me to find out if i got home ok. He simply thought his problem would take care of itself if i killed myself. This is what people will never get if they dont have an insight into the disordered mind. It truely is all about them all of the time . In every day life this can be so well hidden you can have no idea they have no actual feelings for you apart from what it looks like to other people. Scary stuff…

        • Sorry for the typos; the editing part of my brain is on the fritz today!.

    • Holy F*ckballs, no way! Un-believe-able. You are super duper mighty.

    • Reading this makes me wish I could give you a huge hug, buy you something nurturing to consume, and throw you a hundred birthday parties. Jeezamus McHolyshit!

  • I’ll play:

    Girl meets Cheater. Cheater confesses to having cheated on at one other girlfriend with prostitute, while said girlfriend was at hotel. Girl mistakes confession for remorse. Girl is very firm and explicit in her expectations of monogamy. Cheater neglects to mention that he has been fucking various other people all along, frequenting massage parlors, prostitutes on literally on four continents, and generally whatever he’s been able to catch in bars — and instead just takes all that shit underground, gas-lighting girl along the way.

    There are ironies along the way: Girl’s favorite is Cheater being flowing business class to work for the rights of trafficked women by day — only to use trafficked women while sexually acting out, effectively participating in the economy that is supposed to work to dismantle. Colonial tropes abound, too.

    Fast-forward to about 15 years later, Girl finds massage parlor evidence, figures out that there is some compulsive sexual acting out going on, threatens to leave, but is stopped by Cheater with a very partial disclosure and promises of therapy. She stays—there are kids. But 5 years later, therapy continues to be delayed until Cheater hits rock bottom and takes his ass to therapy—which he neglects to mention to Girl.

    A combination of marital horror and something that feels like an STD finally hits Girl over head like a ton of bricks, and she finally asks a small question of Cheater. The answer, unfolding over 2 months, reveals 20 years of deception with difficult to imagine numbers and types of partners — but it does not take Girl 2 months to ask for a divorce. It takes her 2 minutes. Kid you not. Which is a good thing, because Cheater loses his job the next day for—surprise!—narcissistic, reckless, and risky behavior at work. Yes, Karma is a bitch.

    And two weeks later after being kicked out from the home Cheater is back with ancient girlfriend, declaring himself “healed” and shifting all blame for the bad marriage on Girl. Even through severe PTSD, Girl has none of that shit. She is hurt, but tries to go as close to NC as she can given that there are children involved.

    Girl finds joy again, Cheater continues to have a joyless life.

    • “Cheater loses his job the next day for—surprise!—narcissistic, reckless, and risky behavior at work. Yes, Karma is a bitch.”

      I think the same thing happened to my cheater. This is 16 years ago, but I’m convinced my ex was having an affair with a ho-worker when I was pregnant with our second child. All the signs were there. After our daughter was born, one day the phone rang and he said he got fired from his job and he was sending computer files over to our email. He came home and was all stoic. Wouldn’t talk to me about it. Just said he got fired “due to office restructuring.” That’s all I got. The next day, I caught him on the phone CRYING to the ho-worker. Knowing everything I know about him now, I have no doubt that he got fired because of “narcissistic, reckless, and risky behavior at work.”

    • TOWMB, I am seeing my own story a little in this. Not as prolonged (hugs to you for the time you did on undeserving Cheater’s behalf), but oh my goodness, the paid for, compulsive sexual acting out, the promises of change, the children, the continued deception. No STDs…yet…but of course I have years and years of that suspenseful storyline still. Ugh. I am still probably new — on this site and to this life — and so maybe stating the obvious, but I have a sinking feeling this is a common script for a lot of chumps. Close to NC is the best we can hope for. ChumpionSAHM, I like your ending! Hoping it will apply to all of us playing Girl.

      • Sorry, ending also stated by TOWMB too. Brava, lady!!! Hoping to get there one day.

  • CL – a quick side note. You know your blog is making an impact when the RIC is advertising on it. 🙂 I was just notified of a new post on your March 3rd, 2013 blog. She says “contact dr mac to fix your relationship in 3 days”. Lol – the balls of some of these people.

    • It’s spam. I delete them as I see them, but if it’s still up there, send me a link.

  • Cast:
    Vulcan – Ellen Page
    Rhys – Jonathan Rhys Meyers
    Mac – Adam Driver
    Ben – Nicholas Hoult

    Vulcan meets Rhys and is immediately bowled over by blue eyes and a lordly British accent, even more so when Rhys takes her on a nice date and kisses her silly. He’s there to cheer her on at a 5K and meets her friends, but they ghost each other after an argument about Vulcan being Catholic and if she’d ever consider sleeping with Rhys. They talk on and off and try to be friends, but in the meantime, Vulcan meets Mac. Mac is also Catholic, and Vulcan thinks, “Ok, we have the same values” – but she’s wrong. Mac tells her he loves her within two weeks, but then emotionally cheats on her with some girl named Sue. Vulcan realizes she could never have loved Mac and cuts him loose.

    Rhys swoops back in, saying Vulcan deserves to be loved properly, but never actually following through. The kicker comes when Vulcan’s uncle dies. Initially, Rhys is sympathetic, but when he comes home from a trip with another lady-friend Annie, he informs Vulcan “Of course I didn’t miss you, what are you talking about?”

    Vulcan goes into a depression. Rhys tries to reach out twice and is shut down both times. Vulcan wonders if she’s meant to be alone, or at least needs to take time for herself, especially given how much she drank after leaving Rhys. When her mother sets her up with Ben, who’s the son of a family friend, she’s leery. What will he be like?

    Reader, Ben is Vulcan’s true love.

    The End

  • Long ago and far away (12 years seems so much longer when you’re with a cheater), woman meets boy. They date. So many red flags. So much spackling. They get married. Year 7 – that itch thing. Boy decides that he and his long lost girlfriend of yore should have closure from a relationship that happened 12 years prior to this seven year itch with “the wife.” Girlfriend is married, living a religious life with her poor chumpy husband and 2 kids in another state. But state lines can’t divide true love. He is her north star (by her very own admission). She is his “lady of light.” Husband and girlfriend work on achieving closure. Girlfriend’s dad did die and well, they Need Closure because FOO issues and OMG, What If HE Dies and Never Knows How I Really Felt? What If SHE Dies and Never Knows How I Really Felt? They fall in love all over again. Yay!

    Meanwhile, wife has been building a small business and decides to purchase a brick and mortar store. She has no idea that husband has been meeting girlfriend. A lot, with kids in tow too! At the very same time wife purchases business, husband quits his job. All the way. He’s barely been able to work part-time while being married because being married is hard when your wife does All The Work. Gotta make sure that she knows that she does nothing right! Since she does everything there is a lot of upkeep on making sure she knows she does nothing right.

    By superpowers of deduction, wife finds out about affair. Wife and husband have but one vehicle because husband has FOO issues and can’t work more than part-time. Additionally, husband controls all money all the time. So husband lies and takes only vehicle to see girlfriend, while wife rides her bike to work her store. On her way home, wife nearly gets hit by a car. When husband arrives home, he’s got the sadz. He’s so sadz that he doesn’t hear or care that his wife nearly was hit by a car. Instead he sleeps on the couch and cries himself to sleep. Poor, poor baby. He’s having a crisis of conscience and doesn’t know what to do. Wife is mystified and knows that something is up. Wife finds out.

    Wife confronts husband. Typical cheater behavior happens. Including unemployment for 2 1/2 years. But wife KNOWS she can FIX this! She does all the usual chump stuff: reads books, is the breadwinner, pick-me dances in academy award winning style, hysterically bonds, makes plans to have own children, wants goals for better family, gives husband all the money, etc. All to no avail. Silly wife, husband doesn’t care.

    Wife pick me dances for two years. Wife FINALLY wises up, moves back to her hometown to be near her parents and husband follows. He pleads. He begs and chumpy chump chumperton wife takes him back. Husband is on model behavior for many months. Even enrolls in school on wife’s dime. Wait. What? But he’s working part-time again and going to school. That’s fine to spackle over right? Wife finds out that husband still has the sadz. So much sadz. Husband is an artist/musician after all. This stuff is wired in. Husband has plans to finish his education and leave! Without wife! Wife is dumbfounded. She has invested god dammit! She has fall for it AGAIN! She doesn’t know what to do! She is exhausted with all the entitlement behavior. She’s fed up with living like a pauper because husband can’t ever get a grip!

    Now to choose your own adventure! The best plan where chumpy wife doesn’t have to deal with boy husband anymore: Husband grows a pair and leaves wife and never returns! Wife’s life is AMAZING without husband and she files for divorce after one year of abandonment and it is granted. Wife learns valuable lessons about cheating/entitled fuck wits and finds a real man who is glorious in bed, has a job and makes oodles of money and NEVER CHEATS and treats wife like the queen of everything!

    Plan B: Wife dumps husband. They have to go through a painful, yet rather swift divorce – no kids and no assets because husband has FOO issues and can’t work more than part-time because he must make sure wife knows that she does everything wrong. Wife’s pain is finite. Wife moves in with parents, pays off all her debt then buys house, new car and cat. Has the cutest little house with garden. Never quite meets a new man, but is there for her nieces when they go through the sad tale of getting rid of a cheater. Wife’s words of wisdom and strength live on and wife is very happy and content. Can’t believe she spent quite so much time with her cheater – life is too damn short!

  • My biopic will skip through the affair discovery phase and focus more on the Gain A Life part… and I have BIG DREAMS:

    Girl meets Boy, falls hard for Boy even though Boy has so many issues. Boy never really proposes to girl but Girl marries him anyway for fear of being alone for the rest of her life. Girl and Boy have a Daughter. Girl discovers Boy has been having an affair and divorces him rightaway.

    Girl moves out to Big City and raises Daughter on her own. Girl and Daughter live in a tiny apartment but are happy. Girl doesn’t have time nor emotional space to date – just focuses on raising Daughter to be a strong woman. Meanwhile Boy is broke and has moved back with his parents. But he is still seeing many Girls.

    Girl got Daughter into showbiz (yes we are starting that in real life – signed with a talent manager and all). Daughter is typical Type A good kid who excels in everything she does. Daughter gets into an Ivy League AND becomes the first Asian American female to win an Oscar. At her Oscar speech, Daughter thanks her mom and Girl (who is still single) tears up in joy.

    THE END!

    • I love this story! I immediately relate to Boy never really proposes to Girl but Girl marries him anyway. That is exactly how my story went too! Looking back on it now, I realize just how much I meant. Can’t even propose!

      Your daughter sounds wonderful and so do you! I love that you HAVE A LIFE that has nothing to do with your lame X.

  • It’s late again, or early, very early. Mr Dick leans over and wakes the Mrs for some love. The Mrs hasn’t been as receptive as in past as she’s a new mother to a beautiful baby boy. Mr. Dick accuses her of using sex as a weapon.
    Feeling exhausted and the pressure from her husband, she relents. Every single night.
    Mrs. becomes pregnant. Again.
    Mr. Dick is a failed musician who continues to dump buckets of money into what at this point should be a hobby. A much less costly one. ($ks on studio recordings and high end guitars).
    The Mrs suggests a family vacation. Mr. Dick accuses her of resenting his musical endeavors. The Mrs begins to notice Mr. Dick behaving defensively often and also noticed his time at home diminishing. This puts the Mrs. on high alert. A fight seems to erupt every time she approaches any subject pertaining to his whereabouts or odd behaviors. Mr. Dick denies affair. Denies everything. (I was imagining his lack of presence and shifty attitude).
    Mr. Dick becomes even more emotionally abusive. The Mrs, pregnant, sick and emotional and mourning the loss of her grandfather, asks for some time apart. The fighting has been relentless and it is unhealthy for everyone, especially young boy.
    Mr. Dick gladly accepts suggestion and stays at a “friend’s” house.
    Thinking that this is a small break, the Mrs. lays down some ground rules she thinks will help. (eg date night, individual counseling, asks Mr. D to not drink at home). Mr. D literally gives her the finger and walks out. For the next 6 months.
    A sad pile of sobbing mess copes with many conversations with great friends who care for her deeply. She is forced to keep it together for her boy and her soon to be baby girl.
    Mr. D comes around to play with son and emotionally abuse the Mrs., a few nights a week. Son is beside himself with sadness every time his daddy leaves. Mommy is left to pick up the pieces of his precious broken heart.
    Mr. Dick continues to deny affair and goes to great lengths to put on a convincing role. He’s just taking time for himself, he and (friend) are spending a lot of time with music. He turns off his phone at night.
    Precious baby girl is born.
    Three months later, Mr. Dick comes home. Claims he’s ready to be the husband and father he needs to be. Promises he never had affair. Mrs., Despite her intuition punching her in the face over again, chooses to believe him because she’s trusted him more than anyone else in the past 16 years.
    Gets an annual pap one month later and is informed that she has contracted a deadly strain of HPV, and needs to return every six months for reevaluation.
    Mr. Dick finally admits to a one night stand, and swears on his dead father that he deleted her info because he felt so guilty.
    Two weeks later Mr. Dick sends a text reading “she said she doesn’t have it!” Wait. What?
    He lied. And on the memory of his father no less.
    In time, the Mrs. learned through endless trickle truths is that Mr. Dick was living with Miss Homewrecker during the six months he wasn’t living with the Mrs. And their family.
    The Mrs, in the end, was the one to give the finger and walk out forever.
    Mr. Dick is now a double dumped sad sausage who continues to be a resentful dick, taking no accountability for his deplorable nature.
    The end.

    • “I hear muusssiicccc…..sweet, sweet mussiccc” of baby jail for the next 18 yrs. for double dumped sack o dick shit. And he had the audacity to do the HPV: Her Pussy Virus.
      That’s awful. I’m sorry.

      But I’m glad you’re gone.

  • So, tempting, but work beckons (stupid utility companies, actually expecting to get PAID for supplying electricity and gas to my home!), so here’s the short version. It’s my fantasy:

    Girl meets Boy. Girl becomes Woman. Boy remains Boy.
    One day, after sixteen years, Boy sits down and tells Woman: I never loved you the way a man should love the woman he’s married to.
    Boy has found another Girl.

    Woman is very sad, for a very long time, but picks herself up and starts to build a new life.

    Meanwhile, Boy marries New Girl.
    After sixteen years together, New Girl tells Boy (still Boy): I never loved you the way a woman should love the man she’s married to.
    New Girl has found New Boy.

    Boy is now old and sad and alone.

    Meanwhile, Woman is alive and well and living in the south of France, perhaps the same house Colin Firth rented in “Love, Actually.” She has several devoted canine friends and possibly even a human one. Her life is rich and full of books and art and food and wine, and she is very very happy.

    The End.

    • Haha! Always love seeing the karma bus come for a cheater! Can I come visit in the south of France at the Colin Firth house?

      • I try not to want this scenario, but sometimes I still (three years later) absolutely crave it: I want her to say to him exactly what he said to me. Out of the blue. No warning. So he can see how that feels. — Of course, this story assumes a certain depth of feeling I’m not sure XH has, so maybe it wouldn’t impact him as it impacted me. However, he can try to explain his mismatched testicle size to yet another woman. I am so done. (Mic drop)

    • Can I bring the white? I live in the French alps (can see the Mont Blanc from my garden) – and cheater and Schmoopie’s house overlooks a disused steel mill and gets frequent pungent whiffs from the dog food factory near his house in PA!!!! Ahhh, shame that!

      • You can bring the white if I can come live with you, or better yet, marry you, to facilitate citizenship! — That’s the biggest hurdle, the visas….

        • Ha ha, well I’m a Brit and after Brexit we might both get kicked out but sure, come on up (I’m thinking of applying for French citizenship anyway – we can celebrate!)

  • My biopic starts on DDay, with GrownGirl at the computer finding JackassBoy’s FB page, with his one “friend,” MarriedEasterHamArms. The movie only has room for one short flashback to JackassBoy days, because he is a bit player in her life. And then the story focuses on GrownGirl’s getting her act together and finding her mightiness.

    Lots of chick lit follows this pattern, as does the Cameron Diaz arc in “The Holiday,” where the bad relationship is just a catalyst for a better life. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

  • Girl meets boy where they both work. Boy starts hanging out in girl’s office, and girl doesn’t mind because he’s tall and cute and right out of college and all buff from four years of varsity crew. Boy love bombs girl mercilessly, girl succumbs. Within a couple of months they find a house, move in together, and get a dog.

    Decades go by. Two adorable babies are born. Boy keeps his nose to the grindstone (supposedly) and builds family business. Of course involves lots of travel. Girl also works and raises kids. The dog dies of old age and is replaced by another one. Girl thinks boy is faithful, dedicated family man and repeatedly congratulates herself on choice of mate.

    After 30 years, boy leaves girl, claiming unhappiness in the marriage. Girl is then inspired to do the detective work she should have done years before. Finds evidence that boy had been cavorting with local skank in many time-tested cheater ways such as meeting at Comfort Suites in the middle of the afternoon, “working late,” going out with “the boys,” etc., etc. Girl also finds evidence that boy has been paying child support for a 13-year-old son in Toronto, Canada, who had been conceived on a long-ago business trip. Girl also remembers that was when boy suddenly decided to get vasectomy even though girl was already approaching menopause at the time and her own children were in middle school.

    Girl has to face the reality that boy is just a cheap, lying, whoring slut himself and files for divorce. Girl wonders who she was married to all those years. Girl learns the concept of NC, gets half of everything, gets two new dogs, and is currently in the process of living happily ever after.

    Girl played by Julianna Margulies at her Alicia Florrick fiercest
    Boy played by Peter Dinklage, due to vague facial resemblance
    Local skank played by John Goodman as Linda Tripp on SNL because they could be twins

      • I know, right? The kid is totally innocent.

        I forgot, Jocelyn Wildenstein (aka The Cat Woman) as the Canadian femme fatale who seduced the poor unsuspecting boy and later gave birth to his love child, much to boy’s fury.

  • Though Hannibal Lecher does share the same British accent as Anthony Hopkins, his part will be played by Mick Jagger (X greatly resembles Mick physically, and shares the same narcissistic personality and poor treatment of wives/ex-wives).

    Moderately quirky wife with an eye for irony, who finds the condoms and sexual harassment notes in Hannibal Lecher’s computer bag, will be played by Tina Fey.

    Love interest/s of Hannibal Lecher will be played by 14-year old actresses

    Kick-ass children of Hannibal and quirky wife will be played by Emma Watson & Jennifer Lawrence.

    • Happy Ending: Hannibal Lecher becomes the FIFTH major figure of his profession to make national news after he is fired for rampant sexual harassment of students. Quirky wife takes some delight that justice has been served and Hannibal can never again prey on young students. Kick-ass children promptly change their last name to that of Mom, to avoid the embarrassment of being linked publicly to Hannibal. Mom & children live happily ever after surrounded by rescued pets.

  • Girl meets Boy in college. Boy has long hair, earring and a pet rabbit. Boy drops out of school first semester and girl stays in school all the way through to becoming a lawyer. Boy wants to be a frog on a lily pad, but instead chooses to be Peter Pan and opens a business built on fairy dust (or cocaine, I forget whichever one it is) and never seems to have any money. They have one child, a lovely boy, but they never seem to have any money. Boy always has the sadz because people are always mean to him, Girl doesn’t understand him and it sucks being a grown up. So he turns to drug and alcohol. Boy is played by Ben Afflack. Girl is played by (who else) Jennifer Garner. Evil witch (you guessed it, Angelina Jolie) from high school entices boy by magic, reminding him how magnificent he was 40 years ago and fucking ensues. Then fucking over Girl and the sweet son ensues. But Boy has the sadz from fucking over his family so he disappears (really) six times over five years, is hospitalized in patient for alcohol detox six times over five years, abandons his own son and doesn’t talk to him for five years and then, in the coup de gras, runs off with Angelina and ALL the money and then gets the sadz again because he misses his family and Angelina is mean and not at all as nice as she was when she was just a Schmoopie. Girl finally wises up, starts online dating and finds a seemingly nice teddy bear of a man who is not at all who he says he is (hmmm, maybe Hugh Grant but fatter?) as he is trying to scam sad middle aged ladies who are hot to trot, but eventually Girl meets her true love (Colin Firth, please God) or ends up alone but strong and happy. Son does meet the love of his life (yes!) and is able to move on from the disappointment that is his father.

  • BTW, NW Biblio, I totally plan to join you in the South of France with Colin Firth.

    • Bonus: You can HAVE Colin Firth — I just want the house in the French Countryside, overlooking the pond, with the French doors that open onto the terrace. Mazel Tov to you & Colin!

  • One last thing- when I said Angelina Jolie for the witch- i meant Alfred E. Neumann with red hair from Mad Magazine dressed up as a parody of Angelina Jolie- Boy just thought she looked like Angelina Jolie- it was the magic mushrooms that made her look so good!

  • [The following PREVIEW has been approved for ALL AUDIENCES by the Motion Picture Association of America…]

    ANNOUNCER: “There is a creature alive today that has survived millions of years of evolution, without change, without passion, and without logic. It lives to kill; a mindless, eating machine. It will attack, and devour, anything. It is as if God created the devil… and gave her… ENTITLEMENT.”

    — UXworld: “What is it? Am I in trouble or something?”
    — KK: “No, but I might be…”

    ANNOUNCER: “This is Universal’s extraordinary motion picture version of UXworld’s incredible true story . . .”

    — KK: “You’re going to have to let me be selfish for a while. If I want to fuck 17 guys, I’m going to fuck 17 guys.”
    — UXworld: “You and this marriage are going off the rails! Why can’t you see that!”

    — KK: “You have no idea how unhappy I’ve been for the last few years. I feel like I’m finally becoming the person I was meant to be.”

    ANNOUNCER: “None of man’s fantasies of evil can compare with the reality of ENTITLEMENT.

    – Tom Hanks, as UXworld: “This is IT, tell me right fucking now: are you all in on this marriage or not?”

    – Diane Lane, as 4am 4ever: “You’ve got to find your own truth, because you’re getting NOTHING from her.”

    – Steve Buschemi, as the Carrot Singer: “I can be there as early as you like. Just text me when your daughters have gotten on the school bus.”

    – Stanley Tucci, as the Creepy Writer: “No one in this city pays much attention to me, I can’t understand it. Say, can we use the purple dildo tonight?…?

    and Kathy Baker, as Kunty Kibbler: “ACKNOWLEDGE ME, GODDAMMIT!!”

    ANNOUNCER: “ENTITLEMENT. See it, BEFORE you get into a relationship.”

      • UX-I laugh hysterically every time at your ex’s moniker Kunty Kibbler………
        Other than Twat Waffle, the KK is my favorite!!!!!!!

    • UXWorld–there is no way your story will get an “Approved for all Audiences” stamp; just sayin’.

    • Awesome UXworld! Love Kathy Bates and the Misery reference too! I see an Academy Award in your future!

      • I knew this would be good even before I started reading it. Thanks for the Fun Friday laugh!! And Kathy Bates in Misery — perfection!!

  • Ok, this one is not as dramatic as some, but here goes:

    This story is reminiscent of the Godfather without the physical violence but the emotional violence is rampant. The young man starts out as a good person trying to live his life well but gradually morphs into a monster one act at a time until he is no longer recognizable as the person he used to be. Meanwhile the heroine (played by a younger Sigourney Weaver) tries desperately but unsuccessfully to save him from himself while the children plead “Daddy, when are you coming home?”. There is some drama when the unsuspecting heroine tells Schmoopie 1.0 about Schmoopie 2.0 while confiding her marital troubles. Schmoopie 1.0 then confronts the now old, cynical and bitter man and Schmoopie 2.0 and a cat fight ensues (ok, that didn’t really happen but I can dream can’t I?). The story ends when Schmoopie 2.0 runs off with a new flame (hopefully sooner rather than later) leaving the old, cynical and bitter man to live the rest of his life alone. His friends have all abandoned him and his family barely tolerates him. On his death bed he confesses to the heroine (who has gone on to live a happy life without him) that she and their children were the only truly positives things in his life and he is sorry for what he has done. Alternate ending: the now old, cynical, bitter and lonely man kills himself and the heroine collects the life insurance and lives happily ever after (ok, I don’t really mean that). Whatever the ending, the story is all about him because well, “it’s all about him”.

    • I almost forgot. The man in the story is, alas, physically handsome so any good looking actor will do

      • I think he needs a horse head in his bed. Yeah. A nice, big, bloody horse head. Positioned so the mouth is opened right next to his dick. Let’s see how good looking he is with horse blood all over him and screaming like a little bitch.

          • In that case, would you prefer an addition of the hind end with or without tail? I vote for “with” considering her proclivity to act like one but this is entirely your call, of course.

  • The camera follows a chipper 30-year-old woman walking to work. Astute viewers note that she passes a tree house with a red flag, electricians plotting the course for a new underground cable with a lot of little red flags, a bike rider with a red flag attached to his cycle. Our heroine does not notice the red flags.

    At work she meets at new colleague; he asks her out. Later she learns that he has asked two other colleagues on first dates too. Neither of them go on a second date with the New Guy, but our heroine does. Soon they are engaged, and then married. The decorations in the wedding scene include a red flag flying from each corner of the reception tent.

    New Guy never stops wanting to be the “New Guy.” He only wants to go to parties if they are for him. He expects everything he does to be enthusiastically adopted and praised. It is not. He is unhappy. New Guy comes up with a couple plans to change his career, but his enthusiasm fizzles as soon as any work is required. The young couple has a child and moves so that he can have a better job.

    At the better job, New Guy is happy for a year. We see the family watching a parade where marchers twirl red flags. Soon New Guy is unhappy about everything. No one ever appreciates him. He talks to lots of people about ways they could make him famous. No one is interested. New Guy is angry at everyone.

    New Guy takes the kids (now there are several) to events once in a blue moon, but only if our heroine isn’t coming. No one praises his fathering skills if she is around (namely, because he doesn’t do any parenting if he can avoid it). New Guy gets mad when people say nice things about his wife.

    New Guy makes three attempts to start new careers where he will have a big following and be really influential. None of them amounts to anything. Our heroine walks sadly around the neighborhood; she idly fingers the red flag on the mail box in her driveway.

    New Guy wants everything to be different. Our heroine suggests another move so he can have a fresh start in the one field he has career training in. New Guy agrees–it is fun to be the new guy.

    New Guy hates the new job immediately because while it is more prestigious than his other jobs, he is less accomplished than his colleagues. They expect him to learn. They think he is a show off. New Guy is unhappy again. Looking out the window the heroine’s eyes track a boat crossing a lake with a red flag waving boldly in the breeze.

    New Guy suggests more get rich and famous quickly schemes and berates our heroine for refusing to take a second mortgage or empty her retirement account to pay for them.

    Montage of scenes in which New Guy’s anger gets more violent and targets our heroine. Our heroine looks out the window at a view with those damn red flags. The camera draws in until all she is watching is a red flag.

    Soon she meets a young woman wearing a t-shirt with a red flag on it. The New Woman is 30 years younger than New Guy. The back of her t-shirt has the quotation, “Soul Mate” on it.

    Montage of court scenes in which our heroine is legally ending her connections with New Guy.

    Our heroine and the kids have some pleasant times together–traveling in the family car, making cookies, doing a puzzle, putting together IKEA furniture as a team.

    Now we see New Guy knocking on a door, but the house is empty. There is just a t-shirt with “Soul Mate” on it draped over a stairwell. We see New Guy strolling amid many young women, but none of them will give him the time of day.

    In the final shot our heroine walks again toward a window. Looking out, we do not see any flags during the final panoramic shot.

    • This is great, Eilonwy!!! I love the red flags in each scene. Very creative! 🙂

    • So many red flags! Love it. A little humor with the in-your-face symbolism. I feel like a lot of American cinema goes that way nowadays (but not ironically). Hooray for no more red flags at the end!

  • Cheater: Maintenance Man (dresses well, smells good, and drinks wine)

    Chump: Home Goddess – Close to gourmet Meals for 22 years, (maybe takeout once a month), Almost perfect home, kids, and good sex life.

    Skank: – Office Secretary, 2 Feet Taller than Cheater, 20 Years Younger. Loud Mouth, gets trashed most weekends on Hard Lemonade

    Narrative: Boy starts flirting with girl at work, goes to lunch, etc. But tells chump all about her, Chump starts stops by Cheater’s work to have lunch with him, and also starts a friendship with Skank. Skank starts to call chump, “hey what you guys doing tonight?” Chump says come over, your Chump Husband is working late, so have dinner with us. And here starts a friendship with Skank .

    Narc: Cheater Maintenance man has already been intimate with Skank, but allows Chump to invite Skank into our home and have dinner with the family and sometimes her Chump Husband, and be an extended part of the family

    Chump files for divorce, Skank goes back to Chump Husband and has his kid.
    Skank cheats on Chump Husband again with Cheater Maintenance short man, small crooked dick, and Chump Husband files for divorce.

    Skank and Cheater Maintenance Short man, are now “in luuuuurve”. But Short man’s son, will now not speak to him, and other son has no respect for him and sees him once in a while.

    Chump: Got a new job, travels for work, has tons of beautiful family and friends. Kids admire and love Chump, Chump buys home and is happily dating and having fun.


    • This:

      “Narrative: Boy starts flirting with girl at work, goes to lunch, etc. But tells chump all about her”

      Mine did this too and told me all about his howorker (confirmed EA; no evidence of PA). Chumpy me listened to his stories … after all, if he is telling me about her he can’t be doing anything inappropriate with her, right?


  • I’ll give a story a try. I am not much at knowing actors names for a cast.

    Young divorced nurse who is grieving the loss of her first husband through divorce tries to avoid male contact, unless it relates to a patient in O.R. She works long hours and is on call and grateful that she can pay her bills.

    Surgeon jokes with her since she used the same attorney as his wife who now wants a divorce. Apparently, he has been unfaithful? Woman is relieved that the divorce has ended. Surgeon brings her celebratory gifts. Flowers are sent to her from her cats or horses. Champagne is sent to the O.R. He lays it on thick. She is from the country and has never been blindsided like this and his divorce ends with him chasing the woman and her running. The other nurses want him. She does not. That makes her a challenge. She doesn’t realized that it is a game. A few years later, they are married and he chases skirts even in front of her.
    She leaves the country on a trip and he chooses that time after 18 years of marriage to say, ” She left me and I am going to make her pay for it”!

    She returns to an empty farm home after a trip he encouraged her to take for being a good wife and caregiver. She survives the long divorce, while helping friends with their illnesses and fostering dogs for adoption.

    The divorce end and she is meh as she packs to leave with her fogs and a cat and head to her new home in the woods in a cabin on a few acres. She no longer practices nursing. She gets a job in a coffee shop in the mountains. Life is renewing her spirits. He is old, alone and I’ll. He is bitter and doesn’t grow old gracefully. She is grateful for dogs, cats, hosrses, a beer and a porch with a rocking chair to view the sunshine and the mountains.

  • Chump played by a young Susan Sarandon
    Cheater played by an overweight and balding Matt Damon
    Cute kid played by the latest and most cute Gap Kids model
    OW (Frumpy Boss) played by Zack Galifianakis in drag

    Susan meets Matt while dating another man. But Matt seems genuinely in pursuit of her and family and friends LOVE him so she breaks up with the other man to date Matt. He introduces her to his family, they fall in love, move in together…but she needs a ring. So, Susan gives Matt her zero-balance credit card to buy a ring because he is young. Even though he is working, he can’t afford one. She loves him and he loves her so it’s ok.(OMG I’m gagging right now)

    He asks her Dad for permission, he pops the question. Some red flags during the wedding planning. But that’s just stress and all. It’s a beautiful outdoor wedding. They go to the Bahamas where it rains everyday. You’d think they’d be holed up in their room but no, they are bored.

    5 years later, through fertility treatment, Susan gets pregnant. Matt is annoyed with pregnant Susan. All these feelings. That baby growing in her is not that exciting. So what if he’s moving around? He’s dancing on your bladder as we are about to head out to dinner?!?!? Come ON Susan!!

    Susan stays at home with cute Gap Kid model to be a mommy and homeschool. It’s pretty awesome. She mommy’s by day and works at night. She just wants Matt to focus on work and “slaying those dragons”. She cooks, cleans, mows the yard and homeschools. Matt starts a business with a friend and he works….a lot.

    After some time, it’s obvious the business is failing. He stopped getting paychecks. And didn’t tell Susan. If he’d just TOLD her earlier, she could have worked MORE hours while he stays at home and maxes out the credit card trying to enclose their deck. It’s ok, Susan thinks. He’s doing something even though he needs a rest. Then, several months later he gets a job at a home improvement store. A lady from a previous job gave him the heads up about it. Funny, Susan had never heard of her. She will be his supervisor!!! He gets the job and Susan and cute Gap Kids model stop by after a homeschool field trip. Susan and Frumpy Boss meet. She has a son too!!! Gosh.

    DDay approaches. Susan senses a change in the air. Matt tells her that maybe the grass is greener else where. She tells him that he will regret leaving. He asks, “Is that a threat?” He’s pissed. Susan just simply said, “No. That’s a promise.” He didn’t get it.

    Fast forward, Susan and cute Gap Kids Model are living in the cutest little house at the end of the road. Friends are everywhere!! Everyone smiles and Susan looks happy and younger and better than when she was married!!! She is doing all sorts of amazing things that don’t include just work and more work. She cooks less too…cuz that’s work!!

    Sequel coming out next Spring!

  • Cheater: The Limited
    SlunT : Nanthony.

    SlunT: Where are my painkillers.
    L: (Silently sits at his desk)
    SlunT (barges into the room throwing his phone to the side)
    L: What? I’ve got a job.
    SlunT: you’re cheating I know it.
    L: I call you after I leave the gym, my back hurts.
    SlunT: I thought we were looking at houses. How much did you get pre approved for?
    L: maybe we should wait or downsize to a rental by the beach
    SlunT: I’m not moving to Florida, our grandchild is here.
    L: you only see your granddaughter once a year. I never see my children or grandchild.
    Slunt: you promiced a house.
    L: my back hurts.maybe I’ll go on disability.
    SlunT.: how come you stopped putting money into our account? Wait a minute there’s nothing left.
    L: I had to pay my suppliers.
    SlunT: what’s this?
    L: I got dropped from the bitches insurance. Cobra is 600.00 a month
    SlunT: oh now we can finally get married
    L: (anonymous caller comes up on business line again). Gotta go.
    SlunT: who is she, you’re nothing but a cheat. ( pounding him with her fists).
    L: ( walks down the stairs and leaves to meet his dream girl #?

  • Princess Adulteressa marries Prince Chumpity in a nice ceremony. She thinks she will live happily ever after with the man of her dreams. Three months in, though, she realizes she has made a mistake when she meets a man old enough to be her grandfather. They are swept away in the Greatest Love Affair ever, and she is so resentful because she has to keep lying and gaslighting her newlywed husband. She dreams of spending the rest of her 20’s helping him to keep his medications straight.
    When the Greatest Love Affair ever unexpectedly dies, she is furious at Prince Chumpity, even though he was ignorant of the whole thing. To get back at that bastard for getting in the way of her destiny, she finds someone else to take the old geezer’s place. She was wrong, though , as this time, THIS time, is apparently True Love. Once again, she resents Chumpity, because all that dredge ever does is question her whereabouts, her wearing low-cut clothes at work, and her constant phone calls from strange numbers that block caller ID. Once again, the the Greatest Love Affair ever dies, and she is stuck with that bastard Chumpity who keeps buying her lies.
    A few years later, she realizes she was wrong again, and meets the man that MUST be her true destiny. This guy looks like her husband, except he’s shorter, more bald, has an untrimmed goatee, and is much fatter. They begin the Greatest Love Affair ever, but this time they get caught. The evil Prince Chumpity won’t let her be with the Greatest Man in History, so she runs off with Prince Cheating. She will finally live happily ever after!
    Except, it seems, Prince Cheating lied about still being married, and he cannot move in with her because he won’t leave his wife.
    She attempts to return to Chumpity, who should be grateful that she has deigned to grace him with being the designated Backup Plan. Unfortunately, that uppity Chumpity is stubborn, and too stupid to realize that he’s been blowing a shot to be with the amazing Adulteressa forever. For some reasons unknown he claims he already agreed to that before, but he didn’t sign up to be Plan B for a serial cheater.
    Adulteressa is now alone, and left with trying to peel away other women’s husbands for emotional comfort.
    At the end, it is revealed that Chumpity was really not the insignificant, weak, meal-plan his wife took him for. He had kept his real identity a secret from everyone, including himself. With the help of a shadow group called Chump Nation, he finds his inner badass, and transforms into an action-hero super-spy, defeating terrorists by noon and spending the evening wooing supermodels. Or, he just gets in shape, learns to scale mountains, downsizes his material things, makes new friends, and becomes a great single dad. Either way, he finds his inner badass.

      • Prince Chumpity, The Greatest Guy Evah(tm) is a great single dad. Even when married to Princess Adulteressa, he was always a great single dad but just didn’t know it and now he does!

  • My scene would be very typical and unfortunate. Enter just about any unfortunate, vulnerable woman who happens upon a bar or a store where Mr. Wonderful frequents. He looks good, rich and she falls hard. He controls, dominates, gets angry, drunk and she in return throws a vase at his head that stitches and Child Welfare. The reunite. (As you do.)

    End Scene.

  • Enter our heroine, played by Olivia Wilde. She’s had a series of relationships that have turned out badly, and finally meets the charming and debonair Principal Sparkles, a paunchy and slightly balding Will Smith. Will sweeps Olivia off her feet with his gentlemanly ways, fancy dinners and fine wines, trips to vineyards and seaside cities. All her friends and family like him, and say to her that “you’ve finally met a good guy!” Things are good with our heroine until one days she comes across a thumb drive in Will’s room. She plugs it in, and finds the porn he’s made with past lovers. She’s appalled, but spackles like crazy because after all, he’s so perfect in every other way, and it’s not her business what he did sexually before her, because he certainly never asked her to do anything like that (he knows she wouldn’t, though she’s far from a prude and never refuses him sex, though she’s puzzled why it’s only 2 x weekly and Will has to take Viagra, which Olivia demurely ignores because everyone knows you never draw attention to a man’s limp dick problems).

    Fast forward, Olivia is pregnant, her dream come true, though the week before she finds out, they’d broken up because Will never would say “I love you.” But she’s pregnant now, so SPACKLE, and they look forward to this time in their lives. But all does not go well. The day Olivia finds out she is losing her pregnancy, Will leaves both his phones at home and asks her to check his work phone. He has to give her the password…dun dun dun!!! She finds, well, EVERYthing…sexting with other women, including the night before when he was at a “board meeting” and Olivia was crying at home knowing something was wrong with the pregnancy. Masturbation videos sent and received from and to sluts galore. Photos of Olivia’s things in his apartment, which he’d taken so he could invite a slut over the weekend Olivia was away and appear single, tucking away all evidence of Olivia. Every woman she’d nurtured any suspicions about was represented. Naked photos of more Asian women than Olivia thought possible, including close-up crotch shots. Even a shot of Olivia herself, asleep naked and sprawled out on the bed. Still pregnant but waiting to miscarry, Olivia packs up her car with all of her things, waits for Will to come home, and tells him she’s done and confronts him about the phone. Will’s response? “I WAS MOLESTED!!!” (cue fake sobs)

    Enter wreckonciliation for 3 weeks. Will buys Olivia a ticket to a tropical island to miscarry far away from him, and attends exactly one therapy session. She has to demand he calls her every night to check on her. Finally, he sends her a bouquet of flowers. But all is not well. She can tell he’s slipping back into his habits just from looking at his social media. How stupid does he think Olivia is? Finally, she decides to get mighty. Olivia puts some key phrases into Google, and finds Chump Lady and Chump Nation. She reads “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.” She breaks up with Will in an email. After some back and forth about her sending him his keys and him paying for her medical bills, she implements No Contact, and does not waver. Will does not contact Olivia, but sometime later she sees his picture on her Bumble app. Gross!!!

    Enter Olivia, present day. She’s working, fitter than ever, has a nice tan and travels to exotic places making friends and doing cool stuff she never had time for before. She picks up a few new hobbies, dates various men, most of whom are pretty decent, but none of whom (yet) are good enough for her. Because Olivia has raised her bar!! No longer will she spackle, not she. Olivia works on her picker in therapy, works on healing her family relationships, spends time with her dog and non-Switzerland friends.

    Meanwhile, Will has gotten fatter…balder…drunker…more pathetic…and is continuing his relentless pursuit of pussy unabated, as if Olivia never happened, as if he never lost his baby. Because that’s just who he is.


    • K
      Holy jesus your story brings tears to my eyes. Horrific and traumatic. God bless you and may that POS spiral up his own morally decayed asshole.

    • wow. blown away ~ by the drama, the arc, the character development and the MIGHTY! 5 out of 5 stars x

  • My story would feature Gilbert Gottfried as Miserable Vomitus Mass ( cause after listening to him talk for hours- it’s the same grating sound as Mr Gottfried). The skanky Cracker Barell Deep Throater would be portrayed by Tori Spelling (cause, you know, she deserves to be Happy! And she’s ugly).

    Let’s just skip to the fantasy end, as the rest of the story is so typical, cheesy cheater fare. The MVM and CBDT end up lovingly married to each other because their love was so deep and true. The MVM continues to get testosterone shots in the ass every couple weeks cause he can’t get the magic gherkin pickle to stay up. The wonderful, wise and fabulous CBDT is slyly cheating on him with her plethora of married men, all very satisfied with her deep thoating abilities.

    Years and years of this bliss ensues. He’s cheating on her, she’s cheating on him. Until that fateful day when one of them breaks out into horrible, oozing sores….yep, a deadly STD has infected their happy home. Oh the horror, “how can this be,” they cry pitifully. “You slut, you whore” they scream at each other. And then they die miserably, in pain and alone.

    Meanwhile, MVM’s ex wife and kids no longer give a flying fuck about those two losers and are living the wonderful, drama free life they have always deserved. The End

    • “The MVM continues to get testosterone shots in the ass every couple weeks cause he can’t get the magic gherkin pickle to stay up.”


      • Guy had a sour dill pickle and tried to pretend it was a sweet gherkin. Now he’s just frantically jerkin the thing-and it’s ready to fall off if it doesn’t rot off first.
        Testosterone has nuttin’ to “work with.”

  • our heroine is short with multi coloured hair and an ability to keep animals alive. She and Mr Fabulous own a business together, keeping animals alive, but before that they travelled the world ( montage sequence) ,watched a lot of world cinema , ate out a lot ( another montage?) and were extremely cool. Now they have 2 small children( may have to be CCg as no actors approach correct level of cuteness) and there are fewer French films than there used to be. Mr Fabulous also need time for his hobbies- so many hobbies- but it is important to do so many obscure japanese martial arts in case he one day needs to defend himself. One day, during a dinner party, Mr fabulous takes her away from the guests so he can tell her that he is having an affair! he wanted to tell her before whoever sent hm the threatening text did. Short Woman is devastated, especially when she finds out that the OW is one of their employees, played by a full sized troll doll. She contemplates ending it all AT THAT MOMENT Future Super Short lady with even more fabulous coloured hair leaps through the time vortex and stops her! FSSL reveals the glory that will be life WITHOUT Mr fabulous and his secret harem of women, one of whom was also watching subtitled films with him all those years. Short lady hugs FSSL and vows to start NC immediately, which saves a miserable couple of years and some expensive psychiatrists visits. FSSL returns to the future, where she continues being awesome. Mr fabulous puts onweight, gets shoulder problems, has to give up martial arts, gets very sadz . Short lady no longer cares

  • I enjoy simply casting my Lifetime for Women biopic, though I’ve only gotten as far as David Hyde Pierce as X and the Lord of the Dance as his BFF, two happily married men who, if this were a cartoon, could also be played by the Ambiguously Gay Duo.

  • Girl meets boy in church youth group at age 14. Marries at age 21. He becomes youth minister and later a religion professor. After 28 years of marriage girl finds text on cheater’s phone from a student of his – “i love you and miss you too.”
    Chester confesses to year long affair. Whore begins texting girl specific details of sex. Girl does pick me dance for 6 months, then discovers this website and dumps religion professor.

  • Career girl meets boy straight out of college. Thinks she’ll have summer time fun, but ends up marrying the guy. Helps him find a career in her field. Loans him money for his first car. Pays for the wedding. Pays for the honeymoon. Pays the $125k down in the house. Significantly outearns him for first 10 years of marriage.

    Has child at 40, gives up high-powered career to stay home with child, so boy can travel and finally have his own success.

    Narcissist boy loves his toys and has contempt for wife because she isn’t making big money part time while being single mom during the the week.

    He projects successful businessman and family man to everyone but indulges in affair after affair on the road. She finds out about “emotional affair” a year after it’s over. Stays because she wants daughter to have a father — she grew up without her father. They go marriage counseling, where he continues to lie.

    She takes daughter on 6 month educational trip to Europe and lives on a tight budget while he is spending joint funds on theater, dinners and romantic get-aways with new mistress from work.

    She gets suspicious; discovers affair and inevible divorce ensues. Daughter, who is just approaching dating age, is blind sighted by discovery that Dad lies and cheats. Feels he picks mistress over her. Won’t see, speak or text Dad.

    He hires aggressive lawyer that he consulted 3 years prior and tries to manipulate, them strongarm. 28 years together, 25 married and he feels no remorse for the abuse he has sujected her to. Says he’s going to do the right thing and then proceeds to try to ramrod shitty settlement.

    He continues long distance relationship with AP. She venture out into the world of online dating and finds a nice man who listens and treats her with tenderness and respect. She has the best sex of her life, but saddened realizing how much she gave up for Narcisstic Boy. If he had any balls, he would have gotten out 12 earlier. She’s have recovered her career and probably remarried. He’d have a relationship with his daughter and wouldn’t be on the hook for spousal support.

    Stay tuned for updates as the divorce drama unfolds.

  • Affable Brit meets Mr. Marine Corps while working in Switzerland after he gets stationed there. Affable had been seeing a lovely doctor for some time but found him to be a bit too staid for her so ended it. Along comes Mr. Marine Corps who is (a) seemingly good fun and (b) seemingly speaks English. Mr. Marine Corps is an unattractive scrawny runt but Affable has never cared about looks anyway, and they laugh at lot at the beginning.
    In retrospect Affable does not believe Mr. Marine Corps is a narc, but he certainly got off the starting blocks quickly, asking Affable to marry him within two months. Affable didn’t want to leave good job in Switzerland but Mr. Marine Corps says they will have a great life in D.C. together. One month after marriage Affable and Mr. Marine Corps arrive in D.C. on her dollar where she gets a job at the World Bank but Mr. Marine Corps, being somewhat thick, can’t get a job. Well eventually he gets a shitty job at the Post Office working nights and weekends, leaving their child to be conceived by online correspondence course.
    Affable already knows she made a terrible mistake because Mr. Marine Corps was able to keep his temper – no his anger – no his RAGES (that’s better) a secret from her before they married because with him being Mr. Marine Corps they were not allowed to live together before marriage.
    Ultimately Mr. Marine Corps wants to transfer back to PA. Affable does not want to leave her second good job to go to PA. With all due respect to PA, Affable did not leave a dump of an English city to end up in a dump of an American city, but after much screaming and yelling Affable and Mr. Marine Corps move to PA “for Affable’s sake so she can make friends”! Affable soon puts Mr. Marine Corps straight on that one. Mr. Marine Corps’ family are nice but Affable soon learns where Mr. Marine Corps gets his temper from and is suitably appalled. Yet again Mr. Marine Corps hates his job and Affable still hates PA when one day, out of the blue, Affable is offered a job back in Switzerland – which they jump at.
    Both end up working and things are “OK” for a while. Mr. Marine Corps throws himself into his job and does well but starts working late, going out for drinks, drink-driving and then not coming home at all at nights. Suddenly Mr. Marine Corps wants Affable to quit yet another good job and “move to Montana to build a log cabin”. Affable tells Mr. Marine Corps to move to Montana first, get the good job, with the medical insurance and sufficient income so Affable doesn’t have to look for work again at which point Mr. Marine Corps goes inexplicably quiet. His temper gets worse, then starts the violence, culminating with Mr. Marine Corps, having drunk 16 beers and a bottle of whiskey, pinning Affable to the bed and threatening her with a broken whiskey bottle. Affable takes him to court for DV and wins. In the meantime, Mr. Marine Corps spends every penny on his “must have” new car, new camper, 1,000 dollar guitar(s) – which is ironic because he sucks, fishing rods etc. (though never having been witnessed catching a fish). Mr. Marine Corps starts frequenting “the OK Corrall” down in town and meets Skank, who looks like she wouldn’t be out of place with a yoke round her neck and pulling a plough. Mr. Marine Corps even has the gall to introduce their sons to the Skank and swears them to secrecy, then finally comes home after six weeks saying he wants a divorce – at which point Affable has to nail her feet to the floor to stop from jumping for joy. Skank eventually cheats on Mr. Marine Corps, who is suitably devastated and expects Affable to sympathize (she doesn’t). Mr. Marine Corps eventually hooks back up with new Schmoopie whose second husband seemingly only died four months before she moved in with Mr. Marine Corps – but what does Affable care. Since by this time Mr. Marine Corps has had his driving licence cancelled after four drink driving wrecks (but he still has his US licence), and since the French won’t give new Schmoopie a resident’s permit, Mr. Marine Corps and new Schmoopie move back to PA, at which point Affable can be pictured running up an alp singing “The Hills Are Alive…….”
    And despite Mr. Marine Corps leaving Affable with a shitload of debt, Affable has never been happier. She is solvent, able to save, has started to travel for pleasure again, has had a few dates but not really looking and has got her life back while Mr. Affable and new Schmoopie – nah, not so sure how well that’s going!

  • Prey’s Anatomy

    Noir version of the doctor TV drama – stars Dr Strangelove and the naive 20yr younger medical sales rep with a cameo appearance by her unsuspecting husband.

    Pilot episode opens with Dr S breaking into marital home of AP (XW) to confront the blindsided H about fucking his W. Dr S is revealed as the W’s fertility specialist helping her to get pregnant with regular “consults” including in the marital bed. Dr S tells husband he is one of many APs the W has had, but he is special and can make W happy and pregnant (if H won’t).

    Ep 2 – XW ditches erratic and possessive Dr. W promises H it was a mistake, she’s been lost blah blah. Six wk wreckconcilliation ensues. Stories of Dr S emerge – serial cheater, violent to previous partner, advertises for kinky sex with students.

    Ep 3 – XW leaves giving the usual “ILYBINILWY”, Dr S is her twu luv, all his bad behaviour in the past. Normally indecisive XW falls pregnant (miscarries) and buys hse with Dr S within months of leaving. H finds Chump Nation.

    Ep 4 – 1 yr later on NYE, H is climbing mountains on other side of world hoping to heal. W sends txt – Dr S has beaten her up. W says she has left Dr S. Chumpy H suggests MC, W agrees. Police charges mysteriously disappear at same time Dr is diagnosed with BPD (yeah right BPD = NPD). W doesn’t leave Dr S, has major surgery (life threatening) and falls back in luv with Dr S. H finds out files for D next day.

    Season 2 – XW continues to fake it till she makes it. Dr S continues to fake till he breaks it. H moves to seaside town to start again.

    …. I wish it was a bad DVD that I could simply throw out. But the show is like a re-run in my head. How did this happen and how does Dr S get away with it? Made worst by family and friends opening their hearts and homes to the cheater/ beater whilst turning their back on me. For them the real story is my inability to deal with it – not the awful and unlawful behaviour of Dr S.

    • Keep climbing that mountain – I’ll wave to you from the top of mine. If we climb high enough we can have a drink together! The air is purer up here so leave Dr. S (who should be struck off) and STBX to enjoy their smog. In the end, the truth will out – two narcs together – so let your family deal with that and make your own happiness. It definitely will come, believe me. Good luck!

  • Ok. I am new at this. But before I start I just want to say thank you to CL and all of you for helping me through the last 9 months. It really has seemed like a bad movie at times…
    Scene: the big city
    Cockney blue collar version of Pierce Brosnan meets former classical musician now health care worker and love bombs her with all his English charm and numerous lies like…I used to be a professional soccer player and “noooo! I’m not really married in the really married sense! We are just friends. You will love her! She helped me out with a green card. But, YOU must have been sent to me from above because I know after only 6 weeks of knowing you I should move in to your comfortable apartment, get married, have a baby and live happily ever after. And by the way, people tell me I have a perfectly symmetrical face. Don’t you agree? But other than my perfect symmetrical face and soccer prowess I used to get the sadz every now and then. Now that I have found you though I know life will be perfect!” Classical musician/healthcare worker believes every lie and then magically becomes chumps Wife living in the suburbs.
    Second act shows a montage perhaps of how the chumpy wife, in order to convince herself that lazy, emotionally and verbally abusive cockney Pierce Brosnan really loves her and is not just using her as a wife appliance/bill payer. Numerous shots of him blowing his own money which he makes working numerous extra overnight gigs (significant salary at his theatre job and many other theatre-y “extra” gigs) which all cause him to frequently sleep for several days at a time.
    The climax of the second act is a dramatic scena in which Pierce literally starts screaming (out of the blue) “I have a right to be fucking happy!!!!!” and storms out of the house. Climax turns out to be anticlimax because he comes back and says he has the sadz but does it all again a week later. Very confused wife is completely distraught and worried for her very sadzy cockney Pierce Brosnan. She even attempts to get him another psychiatrist to medicate away his sadz while he alternates appealing for sympathy for his sadz with verbal and emotional abuse. Pierce stays with work buddy, reveals that he has not been paying mortgage and stays away because he is working a lot now to get out of financial mess.
    On a normal morning one month after Cockney Pierce has left (normal meaning he calls early in the morning to cancel on seeing his daughter because of a tummy ache/headache/sadz/stress/toothache/pick a malady), confused wife does bills and notices bill is 79 pages long with 54 pages of one number which Cockney Pierce insists is just his new therapist, Angela. “You gotta problem with that?! Can I find my own fucking therapist, Confused and Chumpy Wife?!? Huh…huh?!?!”
    Confused Chumpy Wife then calls Cockney Pierce friends only to be told that Cockney Pierce has been an active drug addict since Confused Wife met him and has only been using her as Wife appliance.!And, oh yeah, he also likes to cheat. Confused and Chumpy Wife transforms herself to angry badass, gets a badass therapist and divorces Cockney Pierce even after he begs forgiveness and a chance to fight for their marriage. She gets an awesome settlement, is amazed at how easy the day to day is without a character disordered drug addict in her life even while still managing a short sale, crap credit from Cockney Pierce, working her ass off and raising her amazing little girl. Angry badass is working towards Meh by focusing on a new life.
    It’s been done many times before, I know.

  • Cheater accuses chump of Lorena Bobbit syndrome. Chump unsure of outburst calms cheater. Assures him his dick is not worth a stint in the big house and who would care for the dog? Cheater calms. He was only kidding. Glad to hear chump is reasonable. Tells her he is going to file some papers downtown. His quest for the best happy ending continues uninterrupted with local massage parlors and prostitutes.

    Meanwhile, a local parlor mistakenly employed a FBI wanted unhinged non compos mantis masseuse*. It’s “that” time of the month for her when cheater walks in. He flops down on the table laying on his back, drops the towel and orders her to have at it as he closes his eyes with wide smile, arms crossed behind his head feeling empowered like a true arrogant bastard.

    The malicious masseuse, delighted, slowly pulls filet knife from under the…

    *apologies to the legitimate therapists.

  • When I got home today my budding author daughter said she was writing a story (as a birthday present for me coming up soon). She said it involves three characters whose names sound remarkably similar to the real names of STBX, Chumpinrecovery, and Schmoopie. I guess she is writing a script of her own. I can’t wait to read it.

  • I may never see a judge in our divorce. I am thinking I’ll be grateful if the settlement feels anticlimactic. But I sometimes daydream that we do go full-court battle and it goes like this:

    Judge Badass: “So you want 50/50 custody of the children and no child support, but you plan for her to care for them whenever you are at work, on work trips, and all vacations? And don’t want to pay for daycare because you say she should be able to support herself and work while simultaneously caring for multiple toddlers with no daycare?”
    Instant Gratification Boy (IGB): “Well…yeah.”
    Judge: “And you think this is fair?”
    IGB: “Of course! Taking care of my kids makes me look so good on Facebook, and my girlfriend can give me all the parenting advice I need…she has lots of time to spare now that she’s semi-abandoned her own kids. So she’ll have tons of time to help.”
    Judge: “Hmm. And who has been taking care of the kids the most up until now?”
    IGB: “Well, both of us of course, it’s equal! They live with her, and I Facetime with them every other day! It’s exhausting that Facetiming, let me tell you. I can’t wait til I have them half the time, things will get so much easier.”
    Judge: (stunned silence).
    Judge: “On the child support order, let the records show that IGB is an idiot.”

    Judge: “And you say the break-up was mutual?”
    Instant Gratification Boy: “Well, yeah. We grew apart. She made me so angry I HAD to leave…”
    Judge: “And how did she make you angry?”
    IGB: “It was hell. She read my email accounts. She looked at my BANK ACCOUNTS, can you believe that?? She objected when I wanted to attend friends’ weddings my myself. She took our kids hiking when I wanted her to stay home with them all day. She accused me of cheating (well, I mean, I was, but why can’t she trust me???). She tried to drag me to counseling. She tried to take me on a date. She said she’d fix anything she could to make this work. I mean, what a bitch, right?”
    Judge to me: “And what did you find in his accounts?”
    Me: “Massive debt. Secret credit cards. Hotel bills for 4-start hotels in town on our anniversary when he said he had to work out of town.”
    Judge: “A hotel stay? On your anniversary? Really?”
    IGB: “I had to think about things…I wasn’t with anybody.”
    Judge: “You had to think about things. In a $450 hotel room 15 minutes from your house?”
    IGB: (crickets).
    Judge: “Let the records show that IGB is a really bad liar. Give the wife whatever she wants. I need a drink after this one….”

  • Him: William Dafoe, but 40 lbs lighter from years of heavy cocaine & nicotine use, with yellow teeth and eyes that calculate 25 steps ahead of you for his advantage, with everything from food to money to sex. Leathered skin with approaching age spots that he is so vain- he thinks they look great.

    OW: Casey Anthony, for everything that implies, but add 40 lbs, shorter and fried out blonde hair with dark roots and a neck tattoo and smirking, smug knife slash mouth. She is aware she has no lips so she does the EXAGGERATED duck face for hundreds (hundreds) of selfies for her FB.

    Me: Absolutely Drew Barrymore, but add 30 lbs. and no rich family to help me.

    I have to fast forward to the Dream Ending, the facts are still too painful & I have homicidal ideation.

    He is sitting in a prison cell, hoping he does not get Nutra Loaf again. He is in solitary confinement because rules do not apply to him. He finally gets out for his shower and phone call and he calls his Aunt.

    She says: Well, she is finally married!

    He looks around at the green walls, his jumpsuit and sees nothing but dead years stretched out ahead of him, miles of the Big Empty.

    He never listens, so he tunes out while he feels sorry for himself- but the last thing he hears before the operator ends the call is…” the couple honeymooned in Slovenia and the Maldives. They will divide their time between Santa Barbara and Sitka, Alaska with their five dogs and blind rescue cat…….” BEEP CLICK.

    Later, because of his drug use, smoking and eating habits, he suffers his final heart attack. He yells for the guards to come help him as he lies on the floor of his dark cell. As he closes his eyes for the last time, he remembers a face, with light blue eyes and a goofy smile- that was always kind to him, never betrayed him and loved him completely, even with all his flaws.

    Is it a brain hiccup, or a finger from the Divine? Some tiny particle of conscience he was born with that leaps up from the Abyss that is his soul?

    Because for brief second, before his flame is extinguished forever from this world, where he has caused so much misery and agony….he knows:

    I got it all wrong.

    And that’s why they call it a fantasy.

  • My script is called “50 Shades of Gross.”

    Nerdy, average-looking federal IT guy marries girl next door. But this is not just any guy. He’s a Great Guy (GG)! GG volunteers with the board of elections! GG teaches children’s Sunday school! GG leads a Boy Scout troop! GG helps the neighbors with their weekend projects! He is funny! And charming! Except to the wife and kids, who prove to be insufficiently grateful for the gift that is Him.

    GG and the girl settle down to raise a family in boring Northern VA suburb. GG becomes disillusioned when he discovers that children require time, attention and hard work rather than just being the cute props he envisioned. GG grows increasingly critical and prone to pouting about his loss of centrality. He resents being asked to contribute time and energy to his own household, because this cuts into the time he has to impress others. GG’s life begins to look boring.

    However, what no one suspects is that GG is secretly a stud muffin, god’s gift to women, and a raging love machine. He has a secret room (well, OK, it’s a a box) filled with sex toys, whips and chains, to which he invites random female strangers whom he meets on the internet. They fuck without condoms, of course, because where is they joy in taking precautions? GG fucks women who he meets in hotel bars on business trips. He fucks them in gas station restrooms in the middle of the night, in parked cars, and in public parks. Hot, available women flock to him. A line forms out the door for his pudgy middle-aged bod, and he is helpless to say no. In fact, he feels obligated to satisfy these poor needy women. Who is he to deny them his magic penis?

    Then…. fate. GG meets the girl of his dreams: a woman 15 years younger than his boring wife, with no kids, who works from home, whose only desire is to cater to and be dominated by this super stud. They fall in love. They secretly buy a house together and create a “playroom” for all those “toys.” GG visits his True Love for playtime every single day for nearly 7 years. And they live happily ever after. The end.

    Oops! Except they forgot about the wife! Yes, GG allowed her to stay married to his awesomeness while he played house with True Love. GG didn’t want to hurt Wife’s feelings by telling her she was sexually inadequate, and he sort of loved her even though he was not IN love with her, and besides, she was very useful. At least until she walked in on GG and True Love in the marital home, and found out about the STDs and the money and how he had used the kids to hide his activities. Then she got all unreasonable and uppity and made a fuss and started demanding things. But let’s not dwell on ugly epilogues, shall we?

  • Part fact, part fiction… Oh what an awesome weekend challenge!

    Girl – Drew Barrymore
    Dave – Lucas Till
    Steve – Benicio Del Torro
    Mini – Chloe Grace Moretz

    Girl grows up catering to her violent dad, vows to build a great life far far away.

    Girl meet Dave, sparkly, talented, full of potential. Girl moves countries to follow Dave as he follows his dreams, Girl loves a challenge, feels so proud as she makes it work, to be scrappy, to find jobs each time time they move… For eight years, she keeps building, each time a life chapter, making new friends, finding ways to accommodate Dave’s pursuits of his potential… After all they are a team, they support each other, grow as they face changes together…

    Until Girl finds out months into a new city that Dave’s pursuits included fucking a gradwhore… Girl dumps Dave and moves into a studio, leaving everything but two suitcases of stuff behind. Dave apologizes, cries, pleads for Girl to come back… Girl declines, and Dave moves in with gradwhore two months later… Girl goes through hell in a city where she barely knows anyone, Girl keeps on going, because as they say “if you’re going through hell, keep going!” Girl goes to therapy, keeps on distancing herself from Dave despite his sad sausage routine…

    Two years later, Girl meets Steve. Opposite of Dave in looks, older, mature, and so nurturing. Steve empathizes with Girl for how poorly Dave treated her… Girl and Steve start a long distance relationship, Steve is talented, full of potential, starting to see success in his career. Steve is so sensitive to Girl’s story and needs. He admits that he cheated when he was younger, he shares how painful it was for him to navigate through the experience, how much shame he felt, how humiliated he was, and how he now knows better. Girl is impressed with Steve’s emotional maturity, they discuss their needs, their goals, their dreams, and decide to move in together in a new city where they both found jobs. They get married.

    Steve’s success grows, requiring trips to conferences and more stress. Steve asks for patience from Girl, it will get better when he will be further along in his career. They make it work, Girl taking on most of the household things on top of her full-time work. Steve is apologetic, so grateful for all Girl does and promises it will get better as soon as he gets to the next promotion. Girl wants a family, they decide it’s time, and soon Girl is pregnant. Steve gets an offer for a better job while Girl is pregnant. That’s it, the promotion that will make Steve’s career less stressful, that will allow him to have more time for family, right on time for Mini’s arrival. Girl knows they will make this work, she’s moved in the past, she’s always been able to create a great community of friends and activities. They move to a new city a few months after Mini was born. Steve’s success keeps growing, he is traveling more, he keeps asking for patience, he is almost there, things will get easier soon. Girl juggles between working, taking care of Mini, accommodating Steve’s trip schedule in a city that is far from anything she knows. Steve promises to find a job elsewhere… Years go by as Girl and Mini accommodate Steve’s pursuits, he becomes more and more successful, keeps on traveling… They are a team, they support each other, grow as they face changes together… Girl’s patience pays off, Steve gets a job in a great city…

    Girl is so excited, it is a city she loves, Mini is starting school, Steve is successful, things are going to get easier… Steve keeps telling Girl that she should of course also pursue her own passions, but it is difficult as Steve keeps on traveling, keeps on taking on more at work, you know it’s so competitive, he needs to keep going to stay on top… Girl starts realizing the gap between Steve’s words and actions… Girl is no longer willing to accommodate all of Steve’s trips, she is building her own career and needs him to be there too… Steve becomes more withdrawn, alternating between biting comments and the silent treatment. When Girl brings it up, Steve apologizes, stating it’s all due to his work stress, that they are doing fine, that he loves her and understands that she is pursuing her own things too. Until Girl finds out that Steve had been having an affair with a gradwhore for over a year…

    Girl confronts Steve who tries to lie his way out of the situation through gaslighting… Girl wires half of all liquid assets, gets her own place and is moved out within 3 weeks, builds a 50/50 custody schedule for Mini, hoping that Steve and her can get a quick divorce and both do what is best for Mini… Steve alternates between poor sausage and rage channels, keeps on telling Girl it is all her fault, she was too busy with her own stuff, too focused on Mini.

    Girl goes NC and hires a lawyer. Steve turns into a Grade A Asshat… and moves in with the gradwhore four months post-separation… In the building next door… The mask is off, and the divorce proceedings go from horrible to excruciating, Girl’s health is declining, she no longer knows how to cope with the pain… Chumped twice, lawyers telling her that filing for fault is not in her best interests, that the court will rule for 50/50 custody when the father asks for it, that moving in with a girlfriend is not in the best interest of Mini, but that the courts won’t do anything to stop it. Girl is crushed, moving day to day in a debilitating haze of pain… Until she stumbles upon an online community, Chump Nation, led by Chump Lady… Girl can’t stop reading… Her story is all here, through threads of other chumps that have lived through what she now knows are the “devalue and discard” phases of Cluster B relationships. Girl’s spine gets coated in titanium through the wisdom of generous chumps helping her through their stories and the forum…

    Girl keeps on pushing, she now knows that she can trust Steve sucks, she now knows the pain is finite. She finalizes the divorce and finds the courage to sing like a canary about Steve’s behavior. Girl starts using Steve’s image management fears against him. She keeps on protecting Mini, she keeps on going. The invisible wound that once spanned from her skull to the deepest depths of her gut is now half its size, moving forward with dignity towards her own success is helping, so is the belief that she can hopefully help other chumps through their own pain by sharing her story and encouraging them to keep moving forward…

    Girl learns that Steve got an STD from Gradwhore who apparently needed more than one dude twice her age fucking her in the ass to “feel alive.” Steve has to move to a city across the country for treatment, now Mini lives full time with Girl… Mini skypes with her dad from time to time, keeps on going to therapy to process her feelings, she is doing well at school, has good friends, and a community of grown ups who know her story there ready to be her village as needed.

    Steve has a heart attack and passes on alone. Girl helps Mini through her grief, helps her keep in touch with Steve’s family, and is proudly standing there, watching Mini graduate from college surrounded by family and friends…

    • Wow, Chumpitude. Twice. Your survival skills are wicked strong. Go you/Drew! ?

    • Wow. I enjoyed reading your story Chumptitude! Especially the part where your spine got coated in titanium (cue Sia’s Titanium)

      You and Mini rocks!

  • You’re having a laugh…perhaps you’re in a place where you can laugh.
    I recently graduated from the rage channel. I try my best not to spend my thoughts on him.
    Glad you can have a laugh at your ex.

  • Chump: cinderella
    Cheater: wylie coyote
    Smoopie: a very large rock

    Cinderella meets wylie coyote they fall in love but all the usual madness and acme schemes wylie brings to the relationship continues for 20 + years …..then a very large rock falls on wylie coyote and cinderella never see s wylie again …..wylie and the rock are soul mates ….until they arnt anymore…..wylie continues to find new rocks to fall on him ……point is a cardboard cutout character never learns …..and there is a saying for Smoopie …”about as dumb as a rock” both prove to be true.

    Cinderella lived happily ever after

    • They ain’t too bright. Anything intelligent or deep is met with that blank look like Wwhhhatt.

    • Acme schemes, love it! Anything to keep their tiny brains busy. Ask me how I know…

  • The happy ending to my story is myself getting on firm footing in life and the ex having OW take him on the same ride she took her ex on.

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