We’ve all been chumped in some pretty outlandish ways. Today your “fun” Friday challenge (is this fun or mortifying?) is to tell Chump Nation what’s the dumbest lie you fell for? Other than “forsaking all others til death do us part.”
I’m not even saying you had to swallow it whole — you may have paused before pulling out the vat of spackle. I mean the sort of lie you didn’t immediately walk out over, because it was so preposterous.
I wear the chump crown here, so I’ll begin.
A week before D-Day, I woke up to find another woman’s thong in our bed (at his cabin, where he’d been “hunting.”) His excuse? “Well, I used to own this cabin with my ex, and I was cleaning out some drawers and doing laundry and it must’ve been there in with the sheets.”
I didn’t buy it. But then again, I didn’t divorce him immediately either. (I did, however, begin snooping.)
A couple months after that, around D-Day #2, he went on a “ski trip” — yeah, alone with promises to be oh so transparent, and checking in. It was in the 40s, raining in New England that weekend. Not great “ski” weather. He never answered his cell phone. He told me, oh the signal was bad in Vermont. Everywhere. He also told me he SLEPT IN HIS CAR. For two nights. In JANUARY. Because I wanted the name and number of the hotel he was at.
Okay, I was lawyered up by that point and threw him out shortly thereafter, but it still boggles the mind he thought I was THAT stupid. (In fairness, I was that stupid — spackle is an amazing thing.)
So, see if you can top me. Dumbest, most transparent lie ever laid on you?
My ex bought his girlfriend a $200.00 bee hive. (yes a real bee hive) Had it shipped to her house with a note to the seller that it was a surprise. I found the receipt, confronted him, and he claims it was payment for work she had done for his company. He could not produce one e-mail or text that was work related, she had done it for free. He felt he should personally pay her back.. He could not show me what she had done. But he bought her a BEE HIVE!!!!!!. I just hope she got stung!
My wife said that she was just texting a guy for attention but never saw him in person. Then I snooped and found a text where she told him she was pregnant with his child and he was responding in a way that was obvious he thought it could be true.
When confronted with this my wife said, ok well I have seen him in person but I didn’t have sex with him.
Me: So, OK, he doesn’t know how baby’s are made?
Footnote: He is a medical professional.
I shouldn’t be do shocked, but I am. Good grief! They are so delusional.
That is horrible, Looking up!!!
My ex went back to college to be a nurse. I was pregnant with our Secunderabad child and had a 3 year old. When I tried to get ahold of him a few different times and couldn’t .. he said he was studying… in a dorm with a group of nursing students … hmmm a 34 year old man studying in dorm rooms and not answering his phone.
Fuck off dickhead … later he got fired for sexual harassment at the hospital where he worked and at his next job he was written up for sexual harassment. He was quite vague about the circumstances surrounding that incident.
Piece.of.shit.
Second child was supposed to say
Wow, Secunderabad child! That might win the auto-correct Olympics this year.
^^^*^^^
Funny!
How about …” I can’t get a hard on anymore! It must be because I’m turning 40! I’ll have to start looking at some supplements!”
Maybe it’s because you were fucking a 25 year old?
^^^this
Ha! X told me the same thing when he was in his early 40’s! I was naive and believed him. The reason he couldn’t perform is because he was old…,
Whenever I mentioned it to X, he would abruptly tell me to stop, to please not talk about it because it made him uncomfortable. Funny, he had no problem talking about this same subject in his 30’s.
Now I know why…,
Ha. I have quite a few.
Now exhubs had suddenly insisted on following up to get his vasectomy checked to make sure the procedure was successful. Mind you, he was a couple months overdue and previously had said he was sure it was successful and no big deal. Come to find out later he thought he had gotten a chick pregnant and that it could be his baby.
Fortunately the vasectomy was successful… too bad our reconciliation and his commitment to “never cheat again, it was simply a low point in life” were all extremely unsuccessful.
Yeah, that’s what mine says…he isn’t trying to do anything with me because he “has no desire for sex” anymore and “it doesn’t work” but I find the used tissue he cleans up with all over….so if getting old made his desire for sex go away and it doesn’t work, why does he need the tissues to clean up? He tries to deny it still even when I have physical evidence he’s full of shit…I’ve given up at this point.
My ex wife said “I would never prevent you seeing your kids. We can do this amicably. I will be totally fair in the divorce. You can keep the family home. I only want half”. She then proceeded to wage a four year war doing the exact opposite. In fact, I still don’t get to speak with my children when they are with her. Happy fucking mother’s day. Yet another day I have to relinquish to her. The mother who least deserves it.
What the..! the exact same thing is happening to me right now, do they all do this?. ‘I would never fight you for the kids or the house’ it was only when I tried to get her to sign a legal agreement for 50/50 that she reconsidered and now its heading to court with her 60 page affidavit describing how she should have the kids full time and 70% of all our assets.
Mine told me, after shaking like a leaf and being unable to perform in bed with me, that he was having trouble having sex. That even when he would masturbate he wasn’t able to complete things. Said he was sincerely worried about his health. His dad, who’s a jackass cheating mother fucker too, has prostate cancer so I felt terrible thinking he was worried about that. What. A. Dumbass. Chump. One of the first things I asked him 6 months later when I found out the truth was, “Are you really worried about your health?” NOPE, he said. Ok, then I will make you worry about your financial stability, bu-bye!!
“I’m on my way home- be there in a few minutes.” Said as he was at OW’s having beer and pizza with absolutely no intention of heading home until many more hours had passed. And later the next day “so and so called me for help and I had to go – what kind of friend do you think I am?”. SMH
This exactly! I can’t say how many times my “soon to be ex” would say he was “on his way home.” And then an hour or so later, I’d double check the time, and call to either get his VM, or him saying, “Oh, I forgot I had to stop of Home Depot,” or wherever. The lesson I’ve learned from this (and one I hope my daughters learn) is ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR GUT INSTINCT. It doesn’t lie!
I started snooping when I got a text from my ex at 3pm on a Friday afternoon saying he had a meeting in a town about 3 hours away he had completely forgotten about and was already about halfway there.
That Friday happened to be our youngest daughter’s second birthday and we were supposed to be having a small birthday party for her with my parents at 5pm.
Why a small party? Well, she had chickenpox at the time, of course.
Turns out? My ex was going to a concert with a ho-worker.
Approximately nine months later, she gave birth to his bouncing baby boy.
::Drops the mic::
Wow. Sorry, Kelli,that is awful.
Oh my gosh…that’s terrible. Ugh, I hate cheaters. Hope Karma has gotten the better of both of them by now…
Oh, the karma bus got him good. To my knowledge, he only saw the kid once or twice. He is almost 3 now. He was born in December. Our divorce was final the following August.
Just like with my children, he is a complete and utter deadbeat for that kid too. For more info, see last week’s Fun Friday discussion about Uncle Dad.
He is a malignant narcissist. Not just with women, but in life. He had a promising career in the medical field, but threw it all away because he thought he could do the job better than his boss. He got fired for screwing employees and generally fucking off. So, he took confidential company files to a competitor trying to close his previous employer down and open a new office with him as the new boss with the competitors. He got sued by the former employer and had to surrender all of his licenses. He can’t work in the medical field again.
Now he sells very used cars on a street corner used car lot, which used to be a gas station, for his mom’s boyfriend because the boyfriend was the only person who would hire him after the lawsuit.
He has 4 kids with 3 women. He goes through live in girlfriends every few months because he is a lying, cheating drunk.
My girls are only 5 and want nothing to do with him. He has no toys for them. He takes them for 6 hours of visitation and makes them lay in bed for a 4 hour nap. He poured a glass of water over my daughter’s head when she didn’t say yes sir to him in front of some buddies of his. She said yes daddy. Not yes sir. So I do not make them go to his visits anymore.
Luckily, he owes me over $10k in back child support and he owes his attorney over twice that, so him filing for contempt is a pipe dream.
I’m happy he is gone from our lives and I have the power to keep him away from my children for good.
I hate him for you and your girls. What a mind-numbingly horrific excuse of a human.
(((Hugs)))
Wow what a spectacular fall. Amazing how life implodes when you start doing the wrong thing.
I’m glad you can keep your precious daughters away from him. May he ever stay away from you.
Poured a glass of water on her head? This made my blood boil.
Maybe we should pour a steaming hot vat of pig manure on his face….water boarding with a twist.
Monster.
So horrible! What a horrible person….
Damn.
Kelli- that is horrible! I’m so sorry!! These assholes have no soul. My ex is also expecting with the OW. Except she sperm jacked him and he found out after he had already dumped her and moved on to the next whore. My ex would never admit they had sex, would lie about it and say they just kissed. I bet he broke the news to his extremely religious family by telling them she got pregnant through kissing and is expecting through immaculate conception. Would love to hear that conversation. Unfortunately they are such dysfunctional fucktards they would probably believe it. ?
Did she sperm-jack him though? Or is that what he bawled to everyone when she tried to hold him accountable for his fuckaboutery?
Yes! Although the OW (who used to be an old friend of mine) had a kid she proclaimed was born after her and her then-very-new guy decided to breed and he changed his mind after she was pregnant. Truth? She was fucking an out of town client (probably married) and stole semen out of used condoms. All class.
Yeaaaahhh I don’t believe “sperm-jacking” is actually a thing the way men who can’t be bothered to use a condom properly or at all say it is. It’s just another excuse for why they’re not responsible for the consequences of not keeping their dicks in their pants. I believe she was probably fucking a couple of guys at once all right. Just, if your shitbag cheater is bleeding from the mouth about being sperm-jacked, why would you believe him? Because he’s got such a great track record when it comes to telling the truth?
Yeah, it’s like every time he opens his mouth, out flies another ho’s (shoplifted from the Dollar Store) thong.
Another one who drinks Milk of Amnesia.
+1
Agreed, Kettle. But in this case she actually admitted to the spermjack. Causing the sperm ‘donor’ a shit load of hassle as he was not so keen on paying child support when – in this isolated case, I grant you! – he had actually always used condoms.
Good teaching moment for my son. Always securely dispose of the goods yourself!
Shame my X did not ever fucking bother with the rubbber! Fucktard.
Double freak of an asshole: missing daughter’s party and “forgetting” a meeting…
@Kelli,
Usually I would just call someone a dick (among other things). But your Ex? Yeah, he’s a bag of dicks.
So sorry for that grimy and grainy piece of shit called a human that was your husband. Sorry for your baby who didn’t have a father who could put her before a piece of ass.
Sorry Kelli. My ex and howorker are having a baby boy soon, too.
I was hoping he’d have the decency to wait until we were divorced.
Hoping they have decency in anything is an exercise in futility.
My ex had a baby with young drug addict…we are not divorced yet
Talk about a mindfuck! My Mr Spoiler was sent for Chinese food after the homebirth of our first daughter. Gone quite a while, he brought home the food and a pregnant hooker from a local strip club ‘he saw hitchhiking’ with her young son. She wanted to see our new baby ‘being pregnant and all’
He got crabs from a toilet seat.
He only told me once I got them!
OK, it was 1983 and there was no Google so believing him didn’t seem as stupid.
All the late night traffic on the FDR Drive and flat tires from potholes.
Pre-cellphone days. I remember laying awake terrified that something had happened to him. Something happened to him alright – just not what I thought!
So grateful to have that so far behind me.
Oooh yeah! I remember my ex pulling the ‘my car had a flat battery and my phone did too’ line, walking in at midnight, having finished his shift at nine. I had cooked him dinner, his phone was off, and I was pacing the living room thinking the worst had happened to him.. when actually, looking back, the worst was actually happening to me. I’m looking forward to the day I can laugh at this, but at the moment I just feel sad for the old me. Xx
Hang in there. I promise you will get to the point when you can remember those nights and feel nothing. And that feels so good!
^^^THIS^^^ You WILL get there, and oh yes it does feel good 🙂
Had something similar here. New phone didn’t work right. She went to store that morning to have it fixed. I tried calling her for hours and no answer. I called the store and it had been fixed hours earlier. Still no answer. Call her mom. Nothing. Call hospitals and nothing. Her excuse was I went hiking in the woods and didn’t want to be disturbed. I knew shit was up but spackled like mad! They are really low life shit and am so glad I know get to choose who gets my love and attention.
Hiking the Appalachian Trial…..
perhaps next Friday’s challenge should be euphemisms for doing the nasty with the OW/OM–“hiking the Appalachian trail” is at the top of the list.
LOL! Let’s not forget “running at the beach.” Months and months of that…
for mine it was “talking philosophy” after department parties.
Well the XPOS…….he said she did ‘spread’ sheets for him!!
What an asshole
Skankboy’s favorite, “helping a friend.”
I couldn’t sleep so went into the office (pick one:) early, to get caught up, wrap up an important project, prepare for meeting with boss, get ahead, write an article…
All could have been done from home.
Sad thing is I believed him.
Volunteering at the animal shelter socializing and walking put bulls.
Yes he was socializing with dogs all right.
” I was pacing the living room thinking the worst had happened to him.. when actually, looking back, the worst was actually happening to me.” Yellowsunshine, this is spot on! The number of times I had been been frantic trying to reach him and then bought his stupid excuse of his phone not working.. sigh.
Talk about a mindfuck! My Mr Spoiler was sent for Chinese food after the homebirth of our first daughter. Gone quite a while, he brought home the food and a pregnant hooker from a local strip club ‘he saw hitchhiking’ with her young son. She wanted to see our new baby ‘being pregnant and all’
He went on a three hour dog walk. He left the house at 9:00pm and returned at midnight. by 11:00pm or so I was really starting to worry so I called him. No answer. By the time he came home I was in the car about the search the neighborhood. He said it was just a really nice night and he was enjoying the walk and had the phone on vibrate and didn’t notice my calls. Then he gave me a hard time for calling him so many times so that when he finally noticed my calls he was worried that something awful had happened to one of the kids and how irresponsible of me to worry him like that.
Ugh. The dog thing. Mine used to regularly go for 2 hours “runs” with the dog, “all round the city.” I always told him how impressed I was that he took his running so seriously, how it was good for him and the dog, and nice for him to get out and clear his head, especially since we had a 6 month old daughter. One Saturday morning, when we had marriage counseling at 11am (because we were having mysterious “problems” aka ILYBNILWY), he left before our baby and I woke up and “took the dog to the dog park” for 3 hours. He texted me saying we looked so peaceful that he wanted to let us sleep, assured me he would be home in time for counseling, he loved me, and then sent a picture of our pup playing with the OW’s dog (I just thought it was a random dog, and found out later it was hers). I got such a weird feeling about it while he was gone, that he was with another woman, but brushed it off because… that’s crazy right?!? I asked him when he got back if he went alone, and he said “Oh… actually I ran into a girl I know from work while I was running and we ran for a little together.” I BOUGHT IT. And it took 3 more months to figure out he’d been screwing that girl from work for 2 years.
And another one recently that I have yet to prove is untrue because I don’t care enough to untangle, but I definitely bugs me enough to post about it. I found out about the cheating last May and moved out to my parents’ immediately, but I tried to work it out until August. He kept telling me that he saw no future with this woman, and also told everyone who knew about the affair (I told his family, my family) that he did not want to be with the OW – you know, he just also didn’t know if he saw a future with me. The last straw in August was finding out that he had actually had the OW over to the house where we lived together for 5 years to hang out with him and the baby. I “just didn’t understand,” he was “so lonely” since I left, and no one but her “understood the pain” he was going through. Gross. I went NC the next day. I told my therapist about their time spent playing house and she mentioned that I was completely within my rights to tell him that if he was not serious about this woman then he could not have her around our daughter. I explained that to him via email in a very reasonable manner, as in, look, I won’t expose her to my casual relationships, you don’t expose her to yours. It’s confusing and detrimental. So if you’re serious about your relationship with OW, then it’s ok, but if you aren’t sure you want to build the next part of your life with her, keep her away from my daughter. I was assured up and down he’s not serious and will keep her away.
Here’s the lie: Fast forward to last month and he shows up to pick up baby in her car. When I ask him about it I get a tirade of “poor me”, he can’t afford a car now that I walked off with my big paycheck and OW doesn’t need one during the week so she is letting him borrow. No, she doesn’t live with him, no, she doesn’t see the baby, no, they aren’t serious, just friends helping out friends. Oh, and he “wants to end it” with her. Oh, and he “wants to have a better relationship” with me now. FUCK. OFF.
Well, he can rest easy now cause you aren’t worrying about him now, lol.
Chumpinrecovery
Mine did this type of thing ALL the time. He would claim he didn’t hear the phone ring or feel it vibrate (even though he kept it in his front pocket). Then he would complain about my calling him multiple times and then turning it around on me to make me feel guilty. It’s called gaslighting and they suck.
Yes, it’s disgusting how they turn it around to make you feel guilty. Mine was supposedly going to dinner and a movie with a male friend (we were “couple friends” with this guy and his wife for almost 20 years). This kept happening over and over. Dinner and a movie with —-… I used to even joke with him that he was having a “man date” with —-, but he would get really mad when I said that and tell me to stop saying that!! then one night his dinner and a movie with —- man friend, lasted about six hours. Around 11:30 that night, in bed already, I called his cell phone. No answer. But when he came home and we woke up the next morning, screamed at me at the top of his lungs, “don’t you EVER interrupt me while I’m in a movie like that EVER again!!!!!!!” wtf seriously. “You interrupted me while I was watching the movie with [man friend]! you terrible person, Muse!!!” Really, so dinner lasted five hours then you went to the late movie?
Fucking asshole.
I know how you feel Rebecca. I feel so good now knowing that I am no longer being fooled.
Annddd last thing, to Rebecca… crabs from the toilet seat… that was what my mom told herself in 1996 when she and my dad had a crab infestation in their bed. Then 3 years ago it was, it was just one prostitute, he had a mid-life crisis, and he promised not to do it anymore. 2 months ago it was, he and his friend like to smoke weed together, it relaxes him, and also he goes to the gym for 3 hours. My parents are still together with no desire to take their heads out of their asses. The lies are so much easier for the cheater when we are telling lies to ourselves.
Oh my gosh! I got “toilet seat crabs” in 1993, too! It was when I was dating, not married, so there were no huge consequences or fallout from his cheating, but it still stung.
Thing was, I had trusted this man absolutely, and I’m not naturally a trusting person. I was so flummoxed when I began to itch “down there” and, to my horror, discovered the reason. I had a good guy friend at work with whom I could discuss important things, so I went to him for advice. He told me that it was technically possible to contract crabs from sources other than sexual contact, but what was left unspoken was that it’s so statistically rare that it almost never happens.
I racked my brain for any possibility which precluded his cheating on me. I can’t believe I trusted so fully! Around that time, I’d written in my journal that my boyfriend could be in a room with a dozen “nineteen year old ovulating supermodels ” and still not cheat, so yeah…misplaced trust.
Then there was a guy a few years prior who gaslighted me for 3 months and gave me chlamydia. I’ve been cheated on a lot.
OMG The toilet seat excuse, but he convinced me he didn’t have them, had no idea what I was talking about. But assured me I had gotten them from a toilet seat. My youngest was only a few months old, I didn’t remember the last time I had used a public toilet. I made myself crazy trying to work it out.
He then began to shave his junk and when I asked why, he said he liked it. When I said I didn’t, he said it wasn’t for you. But denied being with anyone else. Palm to forehead
Right, back in the day when they had fuzzy dice they also had fuzzy toilet seat covers…. and shaving one’s junk? Really? That’s like a thing guys do?
Why don’t they wax?!
It is if your partner of choice is other men.
My ex was into other men
I’ve dated a couple of competitive bodybuilders here since I’ve been divorced and they shave ALL OVER. That said, both my last 2 exes shaved (one left a little trimmed fuzz just above his Johnson). (My first was in the 80s, we didnt do that back then). I shave. I actually don’t know anyone that doesn’t shave down there or at least damn near and leave a little “decoration”
It’s definitely a thing with men who are closeted, though. At least based on the experiences of myself and the women I’ve gotten to know via various support groups.
+1. I called it out on Pinhead once too. Sigh. Gross.
“I slept at a girl friends house”
The first night she didn’t come home. She was really sleeping with her ex boyfriend.
So many of these. I was proud of her for not drinking and driving… So dumb.
My stbx went to Christmas party first time without me in 10 years. Came home next day saying he got drunk so got a room – and I shouldn’t worry – he’s ok…..
Oh I am so relieved he got a room with his howorker and didn’t drive home drunk. He just drove to the hotel drunk and didn’t let me know until the next day so I got to be up all night with the nasty knot in my stomach.
They are such idiots.
It never dawned on him to wonder if his wife and kid were ok all those nights he didn’t come home.
So many. 1.She was really after me. 2. I’m glad you found out. It was really weighing me down. 3. I never slept with her. 4. I went to the dark side. 4. She means nothing to me (only texted her 18 hours a day). 5. We never talked about you. 6. I’m not contacting her anymore.
Ohhhhh……I got that too.
I was talking to her for two years but we didn’t sleep together till after I left you.
We were just friends.
I can’t even type it with a straight face.
Got the i’m glad you found out after a skype discovery! A total and complete SLUNT!
me too, reading these posts today are making my stomach turn as I recall all the lies I fell for because I trusted X. I spackeled like a mad woman because he was a man of integrity and
he loved me and our family too much to do anything like that. Even when other people questioned his behavior I spackeled, they just didn’t know him like I did.
Ugh.., I feel nauseated thinking about all the spackling I’ve done over the years.
I got “went to the dark side” too. Are they EVER original?
I got “I want to embrace my Darkness.”
WTF!!!!!
Yep. That’s a “Fifty Shades of Graves” creeper for sure.
Therapist he was seeing got all Jungian and encouraged him to read about his “shadow self.”
The Coward said, back when I was still begging for details, “It’s really dark, actually.” Apparently this was in reference to the fact that she was a little psycho and an alcoholic. Borderline?
“My second wife cheated on me. I know what it feels like so I would NEVER cheat on you.” (Cue violin music and sad puppy eyes.)
Well she wasn’t his second wife, she was his fourth. And he cheated on her with an old girlfriend, work colleagues, neighborhood hookups, prostitutes and porn. Just like he did to me.
Thank god for iCloud syncing!
@ Awake – did you steal my ex’s script? LMAO
Lol. I didn’t really believe him on any of the lies. I just sat back and watched and then yelled
I got all 6 too!! Seems like they can’t come up with anything original
It’s creepy.
X was in a bar in Anchorage Alaska drinking with his first officer and other male pilots. This evening there was a girl who had too much to drink and out of everyone at the bar she zero’d in on X and wouldn’t leave him alone. He wanted to let me know that in case word got around he was messing around with her.
It wasn’t him, it was her and he wanted to let me know he didn’t do anything.
Common sense tells me that if X refused to interact with this girl she would have moved on to one of the other 15 men at the bar. Something tells me she was getting attention from X otherwise she wouldn’t have been all over him.
Well, there were so many as I look back – but here is one that recently happened. We’ve been divorced almost a year. He came by my house to get something. Took me aside- told me he made a mistake, still loved me.. the usual BS. He said he hadn’t been seeing other women, life sucked without me, he was lost.. ok – fast forward 2 hours. He was supposed to pick up our son for bowling. He never called. My son called him.. nothing. So another hour goes by. FINALLY calls – said he “fell asleep” (go to excuse) and I almost bought it – except that I can read his emails since he still has me on his accounts (idiot) and I saw where all afternoon he was on dating sites hooking up with a bunch of women. or at least trying..
I called him out on it.. He said he hadn’t been on sites in months…. How he could look me in the face and lie so easily – makes me question EVERYTHING I suspected for years and he denied.
NO-contact and all the BS goes away with it! People at work are stunned by my totally cutting off communication with her. We even have older teenagers. Luckily, at their ages the only communication needs to be a real, true emergency. Cut him off completely from your life and use a scheduling program for any communication. If it starts to get personal, you hit delete. It is the only way to prevent and recover from the mind fucking they resort to.
Loving the no contact .., throughout the divorce process he would text me and ask how I was doing, saying he lives with such guilt and has such sadness … the whole time he was back with the OW.. I didn’t know it … once I found out she movies in with him and is pregnant I instituted no contact unless it’s kid related … good luck to both of them … they are both pieces of shit
I showed him the email that he’d been exchanging with the OW, it was very long, full of soul mate and sweet dreams and talked about flowers he sent her that matched her decor perfectly… The next day he said I imagined it, and that he’d sent flowers to his mother….
I pulled up the email and he had deleted everything in it except the innocuous first bit of text saying hello. No, I didn’t believe I’d hallucinated the email. It was the sheer audacity that he thought he could convince me I had; not.that.stupid. I’ve got so many crazy lies, that was just the first completely insane thing.
That is some first-class gas lighting there! Wow.
That is amazing! What a total asshole!
Whoa! That’s outstanding even by cheater standards!
Datdamwuf, I got first class email gas-lighting attempt too! A month before D-day he had told me he was unhappy and he was leaving me because I wasn’t “his friend.” After 20 years of what seemed a very fulfilling marriage I was shocked and went into complete denial thinking he must had a brain tumor or something! we were the perfect couple! This could not be happening, I wouldn’t let it happen!!!
On D-day at 11 pm I found the emails with plans with schmoopie to go to Cancun (including plane ticket for her) and other very clear cheating conversations. I sent the emails to myself, decided not to kill him or I would end up in jail, took my purse and drove to my friend’s house. He was sleeping and had a plane to Mexico very early next morning. I stayed at my friend’s, couldn’t sleep all night of course, and assumed he was going to reach out since I didn’t sleep in our bed and I wasn’t home. Well, he didn’t. At 9 am I turned on my phone and I wrote to him an email saying “I know everything, you better tell the truth and tell the kids you have been having an affair or I will” (I wasn’t planing on telling my older teens then but I was so angry and hurt). Then I wanted to read the cheating emails again and guess what? Since he knew all my passwords he had gone into my account and deleted them!!!!
Then I got an email he wrote to the marriage counselor and copied to me which said “Do something! she went into my phone and misunderstood some business emails and she is going to destroy the family!!!! She is out of control and crazy!!!!”
Darn! and now I didn’t have the emails to prove his lies and I was the crazy one! Well I called the email server company and prayed to God that someone would help me. A young man from customer service answered and I told him “this is a weird request I am going to ask but this is what happened…” and told him about the deleted emails. He answered “ma’am, the same thing happened to my mom, I will be happy to get your emails back” and he did!!!
Ironic thing is I never was able to use them. The Monkey stopped trying to deny his adultery, he put all effort in minimizing it. Eventually I found out he had been cheating with many women through the years. Anyway, reality is worse than fiction sometimes.
As for worst lie I believed? Maybe into 15 years of marriage he tells me one day “Honey I don’t know why but my left hand hurts so I won’t use my wedding ring or my watch anymore, it doesn’t hurt if I don’t wear them.” I found the excuse so weird but since we loved each other soooo much I didn’t give it a second thought. Now he didn’t have to worry about having a ring mark on finger while hitting on other women. My goodness. Spackle is an amazing thing, as CL says.
LOL My ex “lost” his wedding ring too!! About 3 years into our marriage and when our baby was about 6 months old right around the time his affair (that I know about) started. AND he accused me of misplacing it!! I could’ve sworn I left it on the ring dish – you know the dish we have for holding keys and other knick knacks… but no he claims I was the one who lost it!
My serial cheater prize of a stbx never wore a wedding ring because of his job as a mechanic.
My stbxh said he couldn’t wear his because of the eczema on his hands…..Hardly wore it for the 18 years we were married…..Found out only fairly recently he had been a serial cheater…..
How stupid a fool was I?
One of many lies i believed along the way.. .
The other one was ” of course you ARE enough” when i asked about our relationship & a strange feeling i kept having about the two of us & the ” strength” if it…
So many more lies……
Ok so Douchebag started giving a similar spell about his ring cutting into his finger and nearly cutting it off once while climbing during a hike. Of course I was understanding my own father nearly lost his finger due to his wedding band being to thin at work. He was a cray fisherman. But he replaced it with a sturdy sterling silver band.
So Douchebag stops wearing his ring for about a year. Comes home from Adelaide after a cycling trip with the boys and declares he has brought a new sturdier ring as he felt he should be wearing one. Turns out one of the boys noticing him flirting and being hit on by a woman reminded him he was married and maybe he should be wearing a ring to help him “remember”. Fast forward that ring got lost so he brought another and that ring got lost to. He upset one of his OW because he refused to take it off when they went on holiday together (BooHoo) even though he was leaving me for her (Not – typical cake eater). Eventually he brought one that turned like a Tibetan prayer cylinder with the Lord’s Prayer on it. Obviously if he turned it enough he thought his sins would be redeemed cause you know he’s a “Good person”. The mind fuckery is seriously twisted. Who does that to people. And yup he believes his own lies and delusions. So glad he’s in my rear view mirror.
All I ask myself now when I have to see him is “What the fuck attracted me to that piece of shit!!!” He isn’t just physically unattractive to me now like skin crawling don’t touch me unattractive but also marrow deep character, mentally and emotionally unattractive. Good luck I say to the last OW. She’s his problem now Bahahaha.
I love how you put your revulsion in words. Yep. No amount of money or beer could persuade us to find them attractive again.
Celebrate your freedom from that worthless POS.
It might be an interesting post to see how many of our cheaters “lost” their wedding rings or came up with excuses for not wearing them. I know I replaced 3 rings that got “lost.” But then again, he was always breaking or losing things. Part of their disordered personality.
I feel the same about my ex but I can’t go NC completely because we have two kids together. When they get home from their dad’s I am forced to listen to their many complaints about the OW and her kids. I commiserate with them because their dad has made it clear that his “new family” is more important than his old one. I can’t completely switch off from all the bullshit going on at the ex’s place. It’s a shit situation to be in.
Carmel, the New Family is his focus now. But, everything new becomes old, usually pretty quickly.
The discard for the “new” family is usually even easier for the cheaters. 1) They’ve done it before. 2) They are even less invested in the co cheater’s children than they are their own biological children. Once they are over having their head up the co cheater’s crotch, there is nothing to tie them to that person’s kids.
I’m sorry you and your children are going thru this with those two turd buckets.
mine took his off because he said it got in the way of his drum playing (hand drums)
His first ring he threw away the first time we separated for 6 months. When we wreckonciled, we went and got him another one and I noticed the month or so before D-day, he could not stop twisting it around and around, like Dragonlady mentioned above in her post. I should have seen it as a metaphorcal sign that he was itching to take it off and remove the marriage. I also agree with you, FindingBliss, about how destructive the disordered are. XH broke so many valuable and sentimental items that can’t be replaced, not to mention holes in the walls when he was on the rage channel.
Mine stopped wearing his ring about 2 years after we married. He said he was afraid that he’d jam his finger while playing basketball and need it cut off. Never jammed his finger. Then when he no longer played hoops (no pro or even league – just friends in a park), he said his ring no longer fit. Offered to get it resized, never happened. Now, he married whore. Wears bitches ring all the time.
Exactly the same story here – ex said he was worried about losing his ring as he had to keep taking it off to scrub for surgery, so stopped wearing it just a few years in. Not surprisingly, since marrying OW he now has the biggest ring I have ever seen on a man, no doubt OW would like to superglue it on his hand as if that will protect her from being cheated on too. Big red flag in retrospect!
My dad never wore a ring, and I don’t think he’s a cheater. He and my mom will have been married 50 very happy years this year.
So I didn’t think anything about it when The Coward didn’t wear his; it was too big.
I just looked at a new pic of him and the Twat on social media. No ring for him.
The ring doesn’t even stop them. I can’t wear jewelry at work (industrial safety thing) so we got tattoos. Mine is just a heart, dumbass went with an infinity symbol. I hope the homewrecking piece of garbage hates it, and that it bothers her every time she looks at his hand.
I thought about having mine removed, but I decided to just change the meaning instead. I have a pretty red heart on my ring finger to remind myself to love me first.
Mine had his wedding ring “stolen out of his suitcase” while on a business trip to Las Vegas. We live in the state and he did do business there, but when I asked why he wasn’t wearing it he mumbled something about forgetting. It didn’t feel right to me but I trusted my husband and chumpy me went out and bought him a new ring. Turns out that’s right about the time he started his affair. Asshole.
Somebody help me, my Chump is waking up! Poor cheater. He is more flavors of sick and awful than I want to count.
I had a number of similar experiences with customer service reps during my divorce–I reached the point where I figured, what the hell, I’m just going to tell them what happened. In my case X was intercepting bills and I ended up with late charges on a couple of them. I was pleasantly surprised by how responsive folks were, almost to the degree where it seemed they didn’t want to be a party to an abusive situation that could have been much worse than intercepting bills.
When we got married he bought me a wedding ring. Instead of buying one for himself too, he bought himself an expensive watch.
His excuse?
Men don’t have to wear wedding rings. It’s optional. He would rather have a watch instead.
First, I’m going to admit that I didn’t wear my wedding ring much for years. I have arthritis in my fingers and they swell. However, my EX lost his first wedding ring on our 5-year anniversary. He lost at least 2, probably three, that I bought him over the remainder of our 33 years together. He then started buying his own which were always ugly, too big, and lost shortly. I really don’t know if he was cheating all of that time or not but I have wondered.
His ring got “damaged” while loading up band equipment. Being damaged, he couldn’t wear it on stage.
The damage matched up perfectly to marks from a set of needlenose pliers that had been left out that day. *spackle*
Wow! Narcissis 101. Try to make you feel crazy.
That’s why you save EVERYTHING somewhere safe. Mine sat in therapy and denied he wrote this, that, the other to the OW. He sounded so convincing and I sounded so raving, they both looked at me like I’d gone mad. I printed up my own personal copies and showed them to the therapist. That’s when she said I was wasting my time with therapy, at least, the marriage counseling kind.
On my first DDay, I caught my ex husband texting in bed. I looked over to see if I could read what he was texting (he always said he was texting his kids). I read “you need to leave ur wife”. His response back to her said, “no worries”. My whole life just changed! I asked him about it and if I could see the rest of the conversation. He jumped out of bed and deleted everything! He denied anything was happening and said “his texting was inappropriate but nothing sexual ever happened”. Such bullshit and the first of many lies told!
I have to add to this as these lies were so unbelievable… After 3rd DD and I found proof of his sexual encounters all written down in his planner… he told me “It was only oral sex!” And the “I was always drunk!” Great excuses, remember I read his planner so I know exactly what he did with her because he wrote it all down!
How stupid could he possibly be, putting it all in WRITING and then trying to deny it??? smh
Exactly… it was so unbelievable! He did continue to deny it for awhile, was shocked when I asked for a divorce! Then he threw himself into his addictions and self loathing and expected me to feel sorry for him…. insane!
That’sounds how I figured out ex was cheating – through his planner. He had little symbols on a lot of days. Below was the explanation: heart = kiss, o = dinner & x = phone conversation on our home phone. There were several calls over Thanksgiving weekend, same weekend that Tiger Woods was kicked out for cheating. I remember telling ex as the news was breaking that Tiger Woods was such a dirty dog. Little did I know at the time that I was sitting next to my own dirty dog.
My dirty dog didn’t even do symbols for the most of his planner entries. He just wrote things like: sex w/kz, bj w/kz, sent dic pic to kz, rub sex w/kz. Pretty much covered their visit! Even wrote down when he had sex with me! So insane. “Just hanging out with my kids!”
This is just … so fucking bizarre, Krazy! Writing it down? Because otherwise he’d forget he’d done it???
I recently discovered He has so many layers of unusual behavior. I have been so crushed by all of this! I thought he adored me! He is a very well liked Dentist in town and I’m not able to talk about it very much! Entitlement? Bipolar? Who knows. The bravest thing I could do is run away from it!
He kept notes in a daily planner? That’s really creepy.
When I found a similar email exchange, he threatened to have me arrested for “hacking” his “private email.”
Not kidding! It’s in my top five WTF moments married to a weirdo! 🙂
I got that too, like for 25 years we had open communication, no problem, he didn’t even know his own password, but as soon as he hooked up the with sociopathic sluntwhore, suddenly I was snooping into his privacy and he was going to have me arrested for hacking. I am not making his up. He sent me a cease and desist order slunt must have helped him write. A low point for me.
After telling me for month he was visiting his family every weekend I saw pics of a woman on his Facebook page I was able to access his messages. I found 3years worth of messages to the married other women. Even though we shared the same password for everything and ex never bothered to change passwords. I managed to copy all of the messages along with pics of the latest OW and ex hubs in bed together. Thought all of this would be useful for court and it was. He painted me as a crazy bitch and that I was lying about him. He told the attorneys the latest OW was his good friend helping him through “all of this” My messages and texts showed otherwise
Excellent Jedi Ninja steps Carrie!
Mine threatened me with hacking prosecution too! I’d endured his ghosting for over three months with no contact from him (stupid me -giving him space – before I discovered the affairs and Craigslist stuff). I knew his passwords, was the admin for our email account, and just opened the emails! Duh. . . .hacking, right. But he threatened to press charges – after he got caught and after I filed.
I don’t know whether to laugh or be horrified. My STBXH said something along those lines during wreckonciliaton. How dare I invade his privacy after he had been caught so many times with the same woman. Looking back on it now there were so many things I glossed over and spackled about in the 11 years. I now believe he’s been cheating on me since day 1.
^^^This^^^. After reading this whole comment section, I truly believe this.
I got ahold of a years worth of messaging correspondence which clearly indicated there was a relationship with someone I’d never heard of where there were hundreds of warm emotional “I love you’s” plans to meet up and weird catfishy lies about his life which included originally saying I was his sister- not his wife.
That way he could explain the same last name and my non suspicious appearance on all his social media.
He told me that everyone talks like that on Socialmedia and that its crazy to think you wouldn’t be saying “I love you” to Internet strangers. Also- the “sister” deception was to “protect” me- because … The Internet is dangerous.
Thinking he was like me – human, decent, containing empathy.
Yup. Exactly.
THIS!
…I actually don’t have a good example.
My ex certainly lied, and I believed some of them initially (she was “playing games” on her phone late at night, she was at “public outreach meetings” after work, etc).
But none of that is too embarrassing. I believed these lies for a few weeks, and the I wised up.
My ex did tell some whoppers later–particularly during the divorce, claiming she had “talked to lawyers,” and that these supposed lawyers advised her that I owed her all sorts of money.
But I was way out ahead of her by then. I’d already done my research, filed, lined up my legal approach, etc.
Of note, my ex was/is persuasive, but she’s not really a good liar. Yes, she bent the truth to suit her needs, but she didn’t really “have a plan” as to how all the little lies would fit together. I believe any reasonable person would have seen through her bullshit as quickly as I did (or likely sooner).
Like my ex; a bad liar, and STUPID about how he lied, to both me and the kids, especially post-separation. Since he’s actually a very smart guy, I’m assuming this was because of the entitlement. ‘I can say whatever I want, and things will come out as I wish’ kind of stupidity. Sigh. Damned reality, no matter how hard you deny it, it keeps butting in.
KarenE, I totally agree.
My ex was smart and persuasive. But sustaining a double life over the long term requires a twisted sort of discipline, perseverance, patience, and commitment. It actually requires work, planning, coordination, rehearsal, and an astounding amount of memorization.
I think that a lot of cheaters just don’t realize how difficult it is. Yes, some are very very good at it. But so many (including my ex) just simply don’t have the cognitive ability to pull it off. So, like you said, thy start arguing with reality itself, because lying stops being effective.
“Entitlement” and “sustaining a double life over the long term requires a twisted sort of discipline, perseverance, patience, and commitment. It actually requires work, planning, coordination, rehearsal, and an astounding amount of memorization.”
Being able to perfectly balance a double life for 12+ years and being convinced that people will believe everything you say all the time…it requires such a smart, twisted, entitled, sociopathic mind.
‘My wife doesn’t show me physical affection or attention I need to feel loved.” Aw no wait. That’s the whopper he told Tits Springsteen the Sluterus.
LOL! Love the name! I’m going to adopt it for my X. Hope you are doing well! I don’t see you post very often anymore but have always enjoyed reading your comments!
Hi, Lost! I guess part of the built in function of Chump Nation is if it’s working, we graduate a little. One day I bet you’ll be foundntx.
I’m living. Every day gets more meh. 🙂 I don’t have any Great Successes or New and Redemptive Loves to report. In fact, I find more and more that being forced to fill the abject emptiness of my family being abruptly slashed to just two members from five, I really did choose better than in the past.
I’m smarter financially and emotionally. I fixed my picker and now apply that concept to everything. I filled the gap physically with things I liked and people I value, and I thought about the nature of owning too many things and being too dependent on some people and too giving to others. I’m owning my shit. And taking no new shipments.
Maybe the Slow Clap Happy Ending comes later? I hope so.
I also don’t harbor much ill will toward the bad actors in Lusty Bonobo Circus across town. It’s more of a STFA from Me With Your Pestilence Thang. My goal is to be as utterly irrelevant to them as I was when I was married to one of them.
But mark my words. If I ever cross paths or the Skankmatron ever contacts me for any reason thinking my opinion of her and women like her has softened, I have pledged to respond with Nicki Minaj fire,
“What’s Good, Sluterus?”
“I fixed my picker and now apply that concept to everything.”
Luziana, I too am applying Tracy’s method to everything.
Glad you are well, Luz!
Luz, you are absolutely one of my favorite writers! I love your audacity. I wish I had words to say how much I love your words.
I can only quote:
“I’m owning my shit. And taking no new shipments.”
Oh, DAMN, girl!
Strange my STBX told that same lie to his ho-worker. What I have found amazing is how many people have no respect for marriage.. ex had two long term affairs with women who knew he was married. It’s not that good..how did he get these women and what type of women sleeps with a married man with kids involved. You that desperate ho ?
The biggest lie? He was impotent. And he was oh, so destroyed by that. Chump me had to be so understanding and not push him to see the doctors. Oh, he just wanted to ignore it all! So I believed him. Good little wife. Loved him, not just the penis.
Wonder if the OW’s husband believed her headaches?
Side note: porn addicts can usually only get it up to porn and newbies. Anyone that’s already a known quantity, no matter how attractive, gets the downside (literally).
I do think it is important to decentralize intense erections in the whole of a healthy sexual experience. It’s shared pleasure, not a damned stage show, and some people do have legitimate reasons that their physical sexual responses aren’t intense.
Still, it is important to have clarity and honesty and still share intimacy. A person who can’t be fully connected with a partner solely because the person doesn’t have an intense physical response sexually may have more to tell than s/he is admitting, so we have to at least see it as an orange flag.
Thank you for that info. I blamed myself for so long when his ED kicked in, before the affair. Now I know he had been doing porn for as long as he had ED, and then started some crazy deviant sexual behavior with slunt and whatever crack she helped open in his psyche. Coupled with dangerously low T levels and markers for prostate cancer, he’s a mess physically and mentally. Whore took advantage of him, but he allowed it.
Yep. The amount of porn I found was ridiculous, and similar markers for my idiot.
There are studies showing that porn is no different than drinking and gambling… it gets harder and harder (excuse the pun) to get it up for anything but deviant acts, the more you watch the stuff.
Creates bad situations.
Although it wouldn’t have been a problem, I don’t believe, if he wasn’t already a fucked up narcissist in the first place.
I had a porn addicted ex as well! If you read my earlier post today, you know my ex wrote everything in his planner! I had to ask him what NROP meant? Porn backwards…what a mess he is! I don’t even want to know what he did with that, I had enough with the affairs and lies all while telling me he was with his children (from a previous marriage)> I thought he was being such a good father, bonding with his kids! More lies than truth in this ex marriage!
Oh, Mine had an excel spreadsheet to plan when he was seeing which prostitute. It was so much fun when I found that.
I also found quite a lot of disturbing porn, like ladyboy woman on top man bits on the bottom type porn. I guess it explained his penchant for Thai whores who looked like 10 year old boys…
Mine had ED that I thought was just related to being a spectacular textbook example of an alcoholic. Turns out, there was also Imitation E, who was “always willing to do whatever,” and a vast library of porn.
Shouldn’t the porn fascination wear off at some point? I get it from young men, but I really dread finding a nice mature man, and discovering he’s also got terabytes of smut and thinks I should be as easy as clicking a mouse button.
“Shouldn’t the porn fascination wear off at some point? I get it from young men, but I really dread finding a nice mature man, and discovering he’s also got terabytes of smut and thinks I should be as easy as clicking a mouse button.”
I commiserate with this. I had NO clue my asshat was watching porn – let alone to the extent he was watching it. He was watching it daily – at work – for hours at a time. And, he would pretend to fall asleep next to me while waiting for me to fall asleep. He sneaked out of bed to watch it again – for HOURS. He did this throughout our twenty-five year marriage and I never knew. Not even a clue.
He portrayed himself to me as basically inept at computers – asking me to help him search for something (like tools, etc.). He “hated” typing. You name it. This was expert-level gaslighting. So subtle.
One thing asshat didn’t bet on was that keeping all of his old computers (including work computers) would be a treasure trove of data for me. I purged the computers … (looking for evidence of affairs – not expecting to see the oceans-deep level of pornography) — I even printed out screen shots of some of the porn he looked at more than two decades ago. Sucks to be him.
The sheer amount of time expended on pornography and that he even risked his job – and lied so thoroughly to me about it – was bad enough. (My initial thought was “Holy Hell, he’s acting like a teenager!”)
But the types of pornography shook me to my core. Some of it was really gruesome stuff. This was the first indication I ever had that my asshat hates women; gets turned on by hurting innocent people; and feels a need to dominate other humans (regardless of age, gender, race, etc.).
I still feel a need to shower and bleach my brain every time I think about it.
I am so sorry JessMom, I know how you feel with this! My ex would get out of bed to “go check sports scores” and I believe now this is what he was doing! At the time, I blamed it on his ADHD.
Krazy….mine supposedly had ADHD as well; took meds for it and blamed every fucked up thing he did on it. He’d tell me ‘if you really cared enough you’d read up on it’.
He’d stare at women (and men, just not as often) so much that I would get highly uncomfortable and remember always wondering why his mother never taught him not to stare as a child. Anyway, that was the ADHD you know that caused him to do that! What a joker!
As I’m reading down this giant post for today, 3 1/2 years later, I’m realizing the POS probably was a porn addict as well. He took viagra all the time and told me it was bc of the meds he took as to why he had trouble gettin it up. Even with the viagra he couldn’t complete the act and jacked himself off for a long, long time! I’d fall asleep, long time! Sick fuck.
Also, he had a small safe that I never asked about and towards the end when the ball dropped, I did ask. He said it was all his nasty porn movies in there. I think it was that and more!
Last thing, I found a pic he printed out of a woman that was posed so disgustingly that I can’t even repeat it here.
So all the addicted to porn talk is all making sense now. He is a very sick person. HURRY UP KARMA!!
how can someone watch porn so much?? My #2 was the same way–obsessed with it! And i pretty much have zero boundaries in the bedroom so IDK what the deal was. I dont have a problem with porn, but it should be used SPARINGLY
Hi Catdance – what’s the attraction about porn?
If you haven’t seen the TED talk yet, and have a little pre-teen over the age of 11, I believe it is essential fact-based problems in our society, called The Great Porn Experiment. We’re creating a monster with so much information out there. It totally shocked me.
If you get to reading about it at all, the literature explains that it is specifically designed to create a brain chemistry cycle that will cause the person to need it more and more and weirder and weirder. It becomes impossible for the person to get aroused without feeling more shock and shame. It is incredibly destructive.
Yes! You would think a man at 53 would want to “settle into life” and not be so obsessed with how many boners he could achieve in a day!
KrazyFool16 – you summed it up quite well! 🙂
“how many boners he can achieve in a day.” Hahahahahahaha!!!!
Oh yes, I have personal experience with this as well. I’ve mentioned here before that my ex was so addicted to porn that he kept a huge spread sheet (pun intended) of personal data on porn stars that was THOUSANDS of lines long. He regularly added and subtracted names as he found new ones he liked better. He had their names, birthdays, where they were born, measurements, whether they liked men, women and/or anal, etc. It was horrifying to see such utter objectification of women. It’s like they were baseball cards or something. So creepy. And the hours and hours he must have spent on it… When the ED started to kick in his taste in porn got more and more deviant and I don’t think it was a coincidence that his affairs from that point on were with strippers. Pay them enough and they will do anything, I’m sure.
As to your point about sexual response Amiisfree, I agree there too. A shared intimate experience doesn’t need a hard penis to be satisfying for both people. It helps, sure, but it isn’t a necessity by any means. I wish more men knew that women truly believe that.
That is disgusting and creepy.
Oh yes, the porn habit and the alcohol making him impotent with an actual person, exasshole had that going too. I spent 5 years without sex because I ‘loved’ him. I was a total chump, should have insisted on an open marriage at the least. It didn’t go much better with his OW from what I know, eventually she got him there so I suppose that was a win for her? gag me.
Yes, that might explain the Craig’s List emails I saw that he received from a guy and sent back of his own obviously erect member. (I remember my first numb thought: why is our quilt in that picture?) Said the excitement made it all possible. No attachments, just pictures. Of course he sent pictures of his bare bod and face using his real email address. Yeah.
But all that aside, it seems to run through the males in his family. Leave wife alone, look elsewhere.
He wasn’t having problems with MOW. And I didn’t stop loving him for the ten years he withheld intimacy or affection from me. Didn’t want him to feel bad. His affair was for nine years. Shorter cheats on her. I figure he was as cheating on her with those, not me. I only allow one level of cheating.
Also, ‘Those aren’t Text Bubbles! It’s Candy Crush!’
The worst part is, I was happy to see him texting because he had only the most superficial of friendships with two male coworkers and no one else! He could have just said Tony or Ed and I’d have left it at that. Instead I looked at the phone bill. And that is how I learned about Jake From State Farm.
I love your euphemisms, Luz. 🙂
Luz, my ex also hid his first affair behind apparent friendly contacts w/work colleagues. Beers after work, running w/a guy at work on his lunch hour …. I was actually happy for him, and perfectly willing to do all the household/child care stuff for those extra hours, because he really had almost no friends.
And that leads to the stupidest lie that I believed … for a few hours. Ex had confessed Affair #1 as an EA that he wanted to turn into a physical affair. At the time I knew who he was involved with and thought he was already screwing her. I think he expected me to grant him ‘permission’ to screw her, as his previous long-term girlfriend had done – I imagine in a desperate ploy to seem ‘cool’ and keep him (she dumped his ass a few years later, yay for her!) .
So he had admitted he was involved with her, saw how devastated I was, and screwed her anyway. I was reading RIC crap, and pick-me dancing big time. Finally I told him he had to decide, he said he was done with her. A week or so later, he’s supposed to be coming home on a Friday evening, had already called me to say he’d be leaving soon and did I want him to pick anything up on the way home. He calls back to say a few people are going out for an after-work beer, and did I mind if he went too. I was so torn, upset that he wouldn’t want to come right home when our relationship and our family were in such a mess, but also wanting to encourage him to have HEALTHY friendships. So I said ‘go if you want’, of course he did.
Only 5 hours later when he wasn’t home yet did I realize he must be with the AP. I’m such an idiot.
‘These welts that look mysteriously like fingernail scratches down both rib cages? I think I’m allergic to the detergent used on the sheets at the hotel I was staying at..’ . Yup, I went out and bought hypo-allergenic washing liquid to wash his clothes in. I didn’t want him having allergic reactions to his clothes – poor guy!
Ah, the nail marks. My asshat ran for the rather juvenile excuse of “the dog did it!” Yep. Okay. The dog. *facepalm
Well a bitch did scratch him so it’s almost true.
Haha! Excellent point. 🙂
Hahahahaha!
Mine got fingernail scratches on his back when a mysterious woman showed up at the gym and joined the basketball game that he and some guys were playing. The woman had a really long fingernails, and she scratched his back when she was trying to catch a rebound and he got in the way, or something like that. None of the other guys on the team remember a woman like that hanging around the gym. I guess only he could see her. Oh, and I was 8 1/2 months pregnant.
“I use the condoms to masturbate so I won’t have to clean up a mess.”
“She came on to me and it really freaked me out. Now I can’t get her terrible perfume off of me. I feel so violated.”
“I have to stay [at work] because the network went down again.” (Third time this week. This was a common thing for years.)
“I close the screen when you come in so I won’t be distracted while we talk.”
“I bought a [collector’s item] with the money, but I left it at the shop because they are going to [modify it] for me, then I am going to sell it to [a buyer they don’t know about] and walk away with a tidy profit.”
“I would NEVER do something like that with a member of your family. I know I have done bad things, but I would never do that.”
“No, I am not gay or bisexual. I am not sexually interested in men.”
“I don’t want to live there. That house is ugly.” [He moved into that very house when I kicked him out.]
And, best of all…
“I just want to move out so I can have some time think.”
Well, dear, you have a nice time “thinking” every willing person you meet who has an available hole. I am going to refocus on living a life that isn’t polluted with your thinking bullshit, you thinking asshole.
Yes! I got the condom excuse, too. A condom went missing after he’d just come back from a conference three months after the marriage. “I don’t know what happened to it. I might have used it to masturbate to see how it felt.”
And on D-day when I discovered the sexual harassment notes and 6 condoms in his computer bag, “Gradwhore & I just did some kissing. I had the condoms in my desk drawer just in case, but never used them. I thought I should take them out of my desk drawer from 8 years ago in case they did a more thorough investigation of the sexual harassment case.”
#3: “I never spoke badly about you,” yet a minimum of TWO APs were utterly convinced that he would leave me for them.
“must have” – Maybe it’s me, but I think I would remember if I had masturbated in some unusual way. But, then, if a person ALWAYS masturbates in some unusual way, maybe it wouldn’t stand out. (Yikes! Strange ER stories, anyone?)
The ex in your case is a first class f’ing asshole. You are completely fabulous and I am glad he is in your history books!
“I feel so violated”?!
Snort!!!
Yeah, he was pretty dramatic. The post-divorce online journal lies he told were as entertaining as they were utterly ridiculous.
Haha!!! Priceless!
“Oh I couldn’t tell you that I missed the last train last night, and couldn’t make it home, because BOTH of my phones coincidentally ran out of battery. That’s right, even my work BlackBerry.”
Funny that. Missing the last train home yet again and both phones running out of battery like that. Yes, even the BlackBerry, which are known for having great battery life (compared to the iPhone, for example).
Those multiple lies were the worst- and I believed most of them!
My ex was a goddamn hero, couldn’t leave the house w/o telling some tale about how he got sidetracked saving the fucking world, and then I’d feel so guilty for doubting this wonderful man. Cheaterman to the rescue!
Ru nning late because he ran out of gas, phone out of batteries, had to help some homeless guy at the gas station, then he ran into an old friend (with his penis) and she was really drunk and he was worried so he drove her home, charged his phone (penis) at her place, and stopped a few times to rescue kittens after perfume and glitter trucks collided near their nest at the church he stopped in, to pray for my suspicious, untrusting heart.
Hahaha, love this so much! There are always so many kittens to be rescued!
And many prayers for lost kitten souls!
Hahahahah!!
It was always a joke between me and Ex-cheater that he couldn’t lie worth a crap. The first lie that he told me when I confronted him about the newly placed passcode on his cell phone. I had started to have suspicions, so the night before when i got home at midnight, I simply hit the “home” button on his phone charging on the nightstand and I saw it. I think I knew then. Nevertheless, when I asked him why he put a passcode on his phone he said, “Oh well, I got an software update and it asked me to set one up.”. (good one right?) My response? “I have the same phone you have and I didn’t get a software update.” He doubled down. “Remember me telling you about John Doe at work? That crazy weird guy? Well, he took my phone the other day at work so when I got it back, I set up the passcode.” Now he’s screwed. I had noticed that I had stopped seeing his cell phone at all. He hadn’t been putting on the kitchen bar when he came home from work. And I couldn’t remember the last time I saw it. His behavior regarding his cell phone was my first clue.
“I was aonenight stand but she used it as blackmail to make me sleep with her”
Lol!! Poor thing HAD to sleep with her against his will
“I’d never sleep with her, you know I only like skinny girls”
“There’s nothing going on – she has a fiancé”
and the biggest croc of shit of them all…
“I was a GOOD man” this was a super-mindfuck because he was saying that he was good until I did blah blah, didn’t pay him enough attention etc. So I lost my “good man” to some whore and it wasALL MYFAULT ???
Um… nah. “Good man” was the biggest lie and once I got my head round that, things were a lot better
Btw, lie 2 & 3 were never confirmed as lies. Would love to know what anyone else thinks.
Ah, good people. “we are good people. This doesn’t make us bad people. We are good.” If you have to say you is, you ain’t.
X’s last email to me said “I’m a better person than you think I am.”
Hm…serial cheater, including while I was pregnant, took an AP to China with him 3 days after D-day when it was clear the marriage was in trouble, and sexually harassed a student who wouldn’t sleep with him out of her graduate program.
Then he has set that bar to an all time low for what a “good” person is.
He’s better at harassing women and students than you thought!
Post-DDay, I started examining all he told me… And it turned out my X is masterful at the art of deceiving half truths… The conferences, the summer schools, the trips to visit colleagues as he got more and more successful in his career… Just enough truth to be believable, just enough vagueness to feel he is so much smarter than anyone else, he should really be considered for an honoris causa in deception.
There is no way I will ever know how much he lied to me, the bigger lie was when he told me he loved me… I failed to understand that his definition of love is very different from mine… His is more along the lines of “you’re so useful to me.”
The second biggest lie I believed was when prior to our wedding we talked about cheating… I told him that was a deal breaker for me, I had been chumped before and told him about how painful that had been. He had empathized with my pain, had confessed that he had cheated in the past when he was very young but that he had learned his lesson… I spackled believing he meant “I learned my lesson and would never do it again” now I know he probably meant “I learned my lesson and will be better at hiding.”
I had been so explicit pre-wedding that as soon as I can across evidence by pure luck… I cut him loose right away, and now he is re-writing history, which is only making look more disgusting as when people ask me about his claims, I produce the full confessions himself and his girltress were too dumb to email me, they were pretty consistent about the shit they did together behind my back.
I have not spoken to my X since Sept 2015, NC all the way since we concluded our divorce negotiation. Our only contacts are over a parenting software, and my kiddo told me the other day that her dad is not happy to that my emails sound like those of a lawyer… Oh he doesn’t like BIFF emails? Meh, not my circus, not my monkeys.
I got that too. “I am a good person. I chose a different life path but that doesn’t make it wrong.”
Can anyone spell DELUSIONAL??? Cheating, lying, deceiving, betraying, destroying a family, abandoning a 25 year marriage? But he’s a “good person”? If he’s a good person, what am I?
Yeah, that’s up there with “Sure I club baby seals for their fur, but it’s just a job. That doesn’t make me a bad person.”
“My mafia boss always sends me to do the executions because I’m so efficient at it, but it’s just business. I’m a softy underneath it all.”
Tempest,
They all use the same cheater handbook for sure! Gad!
DD: He said, “I’m a good person and I’m at peace with myself. I deserve to have fun and be happy.”
This!!!!
Biggest lie: The entire 36 years together…so many lies, I’d be hard pressed to pick just one.
A few lowlights:
-After I discovered he had been paying prostitutes in sleezy massage parlors for sex, on-line sex, pornography and affairs, he said he didn’t want to be married anymore. He wanted to live alone. Ha!
-I also found out, at great legal expense, He hid and spent over $100k of marital funds on his sex and affairs. So much for being “alone.”
-I also discovered he was having his vasectomy (he had it done 28 years prior, as we didn’t want more children. He’s 54.) reversed to impregnate his married AP 36 years old because she wanted a baby and “that’s what people do when they’re in love.” She was a masseuse that offered him “happy endings” that he had been seeing “after work” for two months. Good foundation for starting a family huh? No worries that you are both married to other people…
So desperate on both their parts.
-Baby f__ing Grandpa Daddy. I sure hope they can’t get pregnant. I’d feel horrible for the child. Our son will be 35 and we have 3 beautiful grandchildren. It’s so f___ed up!
-He hid the charges for the urologist (vasectomy reversal) appointment in his hidden Fidelity (Infidelity) account rather than use our great health insurance to pay for it. He had hidden Account statements mailed to his office so I never saw them.
-He knew I had highly aggressive cancer and didn’t want me to cramp his style. Bye bye wife appliance; you’re useless to me. I have a new shiny appliance that better meets my needs.
He was happy to dodge the “in sickness” and “forsaking all others” part of the marriage vows and would have loved if “til death do we part” came true asap on my part. I’m not sorry I disappointed him.
Good news CN, I’m not only alive but kicking! I’m now 14 months post DD.
-My cancer has been downgraded to low grade. I finished another round of chemo this past Wednesday and and feeling strong. I’m kicking it and can now use the energy I expended fighting him in divorce to hyper focus on self care and saying final goodbyes to cancer.
-I listened to CL and CN; lawyered up good. Divorce finalized and I was awarded 50% of his income until he retires or 65 whichever is later. (With a new baby mama to support it’s likely his retirement has been pushed back; sad sausage).
I was awarded 80% of the assets (mediators, arbitrators and judges don’t like people lying to them and hiding marital funds).
He had to pay 50% of my legal fees. I have to laugh at the legal fee part because he was so contentious he drove his own costs up. Kind of like cutting your nose off to spite your face.
-I have the respect, admiration and support an incredible tribe of beautiful family and friends that surround me and cheer me on.
-He has to wake up every day with himself next to another lying cheater and soon both could be taking care of a colicky newborn. He will likely need to work well into his 70’s. How’s that peace thing going asshole?
Ahhh…I smell meh amongst the Spring hyacinth and daffodils.
Stay strong ? fellow chumps. When you kick a cheater out your life just gets better and better.
You are awesome
Freenow… what a horrible long battle through the shitstorm! So glad to hear you have pushed through the worst of it… you are awesome!
What a tale of triumph! I love it!
Godfather…remember how he was such a family man. Devoted husband. Loving father and grandfather. Soft-spoken. Good man!
Does Cousin Buckles come to mind?
I’m sure they self program, with some assistance from Schmoopie of course, to say this shit. My XH told me, “I was good to you”. This after I got the ILYBINILWY speech, six days after I scattered my mother’s cremains.
It has taken me almost four years to understand that no, he was NOT “good” to me. SO happy he married his whore. Now he can be “good” to her. She deserves his goodness.
Yes I got I’m a good man. You keep telling yourself that buddy.
Oh, he will. They’re delusional…
My ex said he was “a good man” too. Even bought the book to prove it. “Why Good People Have Affairs”. Crock of shit!
I married a “good guy” too, just ask him.., sad part is I believed him.
Same here brit. But hey, if we’really grading on that strong a curve, I guess we’re all gonna be canonized tomorrow! 😀
True, X would constantly tell me he was a “man of integrity,” X would be scanning where ever we happened to be, pointing out how flawed or discourteous people were. We could be at Costco and he’d make a huge deal out of someone not returning their basket, “he could never do that.”
A neighbor once told us they had made hotel reservations for two but actually would be having four people in the room, omg, he was outraged, how could they? that’s dishonest, he could never do that, he had integrity.
Apparently lying about how many occupants in a hotel room is something to be frowned upon but screwing someone you meet on a business trip is acceptable.
I wonder if he informed the front desk…?
“We’re all going to be canonized tomorrow.” I hope I have something nice to wear!
I got the “I’m the still the best man for you!” This was after Dday 2 … as I started to find more and more out he then downgraded to saying he’s a “good man!” I even found a recording he had re-recorded on his iPad from his phone of the OW calling him to apologize for not being as loving as he had been to her and that he was a great man and father (she’s never met my kids). She apparently wasn’t so happy that he had chosen me when I gave him an ultimatum and he had spent months trying to continue the relationship. I really don’t know how successful he was but she used to let him take her out. These cheaters really are sick people.
There are so many, but the ones that embarrass me still:
When crazy drunk girl showed up at our door to claim him, “I didn’t sleep with her, she is just a crazy person.”
When he left unexpectedly to go on a cruise that a friend supposedly gave him, seriously, he just left one morning and I had no idea where, with who, he didn’t take pictures, couldn’t tell me the name of the other “guy” with him: “You are selfish for not wanting me to go on this cruise, I need some vacation time.” Leaving me with grad school, two boys, house etc. I am the one that needed a vacation and plus, he was with his girlfriend from 20 years ago.
After finding out he went to visit his old girlfriend in Germany for a week instead of visiting our oldest son who was living there for his birthday like he told me he was doing. “I didn’t sleep with her, but I would have if she let me.” Of course they were sleeping together, they had just taken a romantic cruise together the month before. After I find out the truth about the cruise he laughed at me because I believed him that he didn’t sleep with her.
I can go on, 20 years of lies. It took me a long time to forgive myself for ever believing him.
Got to love it when *they* need a vacation. My now-ex husband disappeared to go home for a weekend, to his parents’ (maybe). He left me in another city five hours away – pregnant, with a 19 month old and a six month old. That was the weekend we were moving to a different apartment, I had to do it myself. Although he did hire movers who only spoke Spanish, a language I struggle with – while he was fluent.
OMG. no words
Chumplady needs an OMG button for some of the stories, it would get used hundred of times. This story is heartbreaking. I hope you are doing better now.
Mine also left me for a weekend away while I was pregnant and caring for our toddler in a snowstorm. But hey, his “friend” really needed him (two lady friends, actually, and one was married, but her husband was away — score!)
Too bad it wasn’t the Titanic.
In hindsight, the dumbest lie that I honestly fell for was the one that started it all.
Suddenly in the summer of 2015 — 4 or so months after a round of couples counseling — KK announced that her “new thing” was to retire to our bedroom after dinner, close the door, and “just listen to music” for up to two hours. “Helps me relax and get perspective on things, I feel so much better lately and I think its because of this time for just myself.” I was totally supportive — anything to make her happier, less eggshell walking around the house, etc.
When I started documenting the whole sordid 3.5 month episode for my own sanity (highly recommended), I realized that this new habit coincided with the time she said she “became acquainted with” the Tuftsy Builder and began the infatuation that led to the request for an open marriage.
Of course (with a nod to Bill Maher), I can’t prove — but just know it’s true — that she was testing the waters of OKCupid honing her profile and getting a feel for what was available to her and what she could get away with.
What is up with the “open marriage” theme? I got that too.
I was paying the bills and found a credit at the doctor’s office. Turns out he had gone to our family doctor and requested that she run a STD test because his friend Russ said that “some types of cancer can be screened for with an STD test” (now he knows more than the medical professional?). And he very specifically wanted to pay cash for it & not run it through our insurance. Because he’s too dumb/lazy to drive 15 minutes from our small town to any one of the gazillion testing labs in the neighboring big city that wouldn’t have his insurance on file & accidentally go ahead & run it through.
So I text him about this weird credit & call the doctor to see about this credit and test that I think shouldn’t be on our account. He calls them & is all upset that “they screwed up.”
Most embarrassing thing is that I totally bought his lame ass excuse about why he had the test (mostly bc I’m so neurotic that I would totally do something like that). Helloooo? People have an STD test because they (a) think they have something, (b) slept with someone who has something, and/or (c) want to sleep with someone who is making them get tested first.
And after D-day, when I confronted him about it, he said “it’s actually a really funny story.” Needless to say, I wasn’t amused.
Tbone,
You forgot (d) they just found out the person they are married to is sleeping around and they want to make sure they didn’t get anything from their STBX. But clearly that wasn’t the case in your story, just wanted to complete the list.
Peace.
aeronaut
When I caught him not wearing his wedding ring, after collecting him when he joined us on holiday: “Oh, I put it on the window ledge when I did the washing up!”
Almost believable, except for the fact that it mysteriously reappeared 5 mins later, even though we were hundreds of miles away from the kitchen sink in question…. (And the almost comical way he was drunkenly trying to hide his left hand when I picked him up from the station). Oooopsie!
I used to manage a university cafeteria that also served a police academy on campus. With each new class, a bunch of men in uniform with ring finger tan lines would start trying to hook up with me and my staff.
I would tell them I would only go out with them if their hands were big enough. They would grin shit eating grins and hold their hands up every damned time. I would say “Nice tan line.” Without exception, every one said “I’m almost done with my divorce. It will be final soon.” I would shake my dad and tell them to get lost. I warned my staff, but they didn’t all take it to heart.
The girls who did date them would get taken on these big expensive fantasy rides, often with engagement rings and promises of marriage, only to be told by their new fiances when that class was complete that they had to go home because of their kids.
It was disgusting. I am not saying it was all of the officers by any means, but it wasn’t a tiny percentage, either. And, I never saw any of the female officers do it. (Though it is possible they were just more discreet.)
Dad? Good Lord. Shake my HEAD. I do read these before I post them. I don’t know how I did that!
Not to generalize, but law enforcement officers seem well-represented in the cheater category. I think it is a combination of factors, including the type of person who is attracted to that work. Add in the stress of the job, irregular hours, the need for close working relationships and the “groupie” factor, and it becomes clearer why cheating is not out of the ordinary in that profession. I know cheaters can be found everywhere, but cops seem to be more prone to cheat, at least in my experience. Some police stations are their own Peyton Place.
And entrepreneurs – don’t take no for an answer, great compartmentalizing, and charming sales skills. Confidence and ability to say what needs to be said in order to get the wanted response. Aka lying. Of course the biggest lies are the ones they tell themselves.
Yes, my ex was a home repair handyman. Great access to all kinds of single and divorced women as well as gay men. I always wondered if there was a double entendre on his business card, which said in small print at the bottom: “experienced in responding to special requests.”
Yup mine was a cop and all of his friends, and him, cheated. They are disgusting.
Ditto. They called their side pieces their “squeeze.” As in so and so got a new squeeze. Ugh.
police also well represented in domestic abuse cases and extremely scary because their buddies help them. sickening.
I have also known some really kind and solid police officers and employees. But, yes, it is one of those jobs that provides a lot of opportunity, along with technology construction, entrepreneurship, politics, real estate, medicine, etc. I think it’s not so much that those people cheat as it is that people who cheat are drawn to careers that where it seems reasonable to flex their time, be spontaneous, meet a lot of people, and remain unavailable for hours without being observed or having to check in.
Sorry for typos – this site sometimes really doesn’t work well on my device.
@Amiisfree, agree! My STBX traveled for work and he really should have left that career. The pay was awful and the demands were heavy, but he never wanted to. Now I know why. The traveling and various hours hid his cheating for years.
And some disordered women are “badge bunnies”!
Same with Firefighters and no offense to anyone in the medical profession, a HUGE majority of cheater husbands of friends of mine cheated with nurses.
My ex told me he had to stop by a boat manufacturing company in our town that he occasionally did work for on his days off ( he’s a firefighter for his real job. After calling his phone for hours with no response I tracked him and his phone tracked to the exact parking space at a hotel MILES from that boat company. This was the text exchange that followed.
Me:
Where are you?
Pot pie:
I got stick in a meeting here, I’ll call you later.
Me:
Ummm….I tracked your phone because I was afraid you were in a ditch and it tracked you to this hotel .( insert screen shot of the find my iPhone screen)
Pot Pie:
I’m so tired of your crazy. I’m in a meeting, do you want me to send you a picture??
Me:
Uhhh….yes.
Pot pie:
I’m not doing that , if you can’t trust me ( 4 previous affairs) then we shouldn’t be together.
Spoiler alert…..there was no meeting.
Shithead.
This was Deadfool! Except he would send sarcastic shots of him stepping out of his car and walking to the doctor’s office etc to prove he was there, in an attempt to distract me from the fact he’d lied about having the ENTIRE WEEK OFF FROM WORK. But I guess if you’re at the doctor right NOW then everything’s fine.
I called mine “Pot Pie” too. “Honey Pot Pie” because he was so SWEET. GAG!
I call mine Chicken Pot Pie . He was Chicken Little when he first left because when it came to the settlement he always acted like the sky was falling. My boyfriend renamed him the chicken pot pie when he gained like 75lbs after we split and he moved in with the mistress.
Too many to pick one:
” you move out into that apartment and work on yourself–I’ll come to see you every day maybe we’ll reconcile in 6 months maybe we’ll even get remarried”(trying to get me out of our house we were just separating not divorced).
“The money is in vehicles in stock for the dealership” –after blowing $400000 of our personal line of credit (half of our total assets), there was about $60000 in stock–3 years later I still don’t know where the money went, no disclosure no spousal support and he took his share of what was left
“But she’s my friend!” Not a lie really but what he said when I told him he had to have no contact with our friend who was his AP
Piece of shit….
I almost bought the “you move out” shit… but the kicker for this was that she was paranoid if I did that then I might meet someone else (she even had the MC weigh in on it and make me promise I wouldn’t).
Of course she was in contact with the fuckbuddy the whole time during Wreconciliation, despite claiming she was no contact – it was just projection on her part.
ME: Are you having an affair?
YoYo Knickers: No.
We all fell for that one!!
Boom!!!
I got “God, why would I sleep with her? She’s gross. Plus, I deal with hedge fund managers and the country’s top lawyers. If I’m going to fuck around, it’s going to be with quality.” I must have looked like a confused dog with my head cocked. My response was “quality women don’t fuck around with married men. Conceited much? SHE’s exactly the gross thing that fucks around.” I believe there was a harrumph and he ran out the door texting like a bitchy teenage girl. Fun times.
Near the end of what was a 15 month long affair that I had no idea about, but had just started to feel a bit … squirmy about a friend of ours (OW) texting him at odd hours (he always showed me the phone and text if I asked, he had given VERY clear instructions to her that there was to be NO SEXTING OR INAPPROPRIATE stuff written down, ever, of it was over) after she texted “What you doin’?” at 12pm on a school night, as we were all entangled together on the couch:
Me: Hmmm, um, this is gonna sound weird, but … are you doing anything you shouldn’t be?
X: What? Oh God no. She’s drunk. You know, single mum, had a few too many wines after J went to bed. Sad really.
Me: [sitting up now and staring directly into his eyes] you’re not making me the stupidest woman in the world here, are you?
X: Oh Snooks, no way. She’s lonely. And not a little pathetic. It’s only ever been you, and I would say if there was a problem, or we needed to talk, come here, where were we?
And I cuddled back into him with nary a care in the world.
D-day was about seven weeks later, he had ended it after that text. She didn’t believe him (who ever does, lol?) and she threatened to tell me. He told her that if she ever told me, there was never any chance for them – it was over, either way. So, my “friend” sent me a text – telling all – while I was at a mutual friend’s birthday party that I had been trying to convince her to come to all afternoon, she was invited, but “didn’t feel up to it.”
That I was convinced because he said so, still stuns me! But, he had been a loving, caring, wonderful partner for 25 years to that point, and we were still very passionate, and very intimate with each other about our lives (all except him fucking our friend for 15 months, just that little thing.) I thought I was (for the first time) being somewhat paranoid, and thought I must be losing it. Trust is a fucker
Oh yeah, forgot to mention she looks like a frog. Not that looks mean a damn thing. But he, who rarely speaks badly of people, had referred to her as something he would have to scrape off his boots. She had cheated on him in her teens (him early 20s) with at least four guys by the time he found out. They dated for two years, but lived in different cities, and he had always said to me that it only lasted two years because he only saw her every second weekend! Suited him, was not that into her, obviously. You’d think, right?
Trust is a fucker! True statement…
For Affair #2, I got ‘have you seen her? She’s not very attractive’. Sooooo, if you’re not cheating, it’s not because you wouldn’t, or because you had promised after Affair #1 to nevr do that again, to leave first, or, heaven forfend, because you actually loved me and liked our life and family. It’s because she’s not attractive. Uh huh. Plus of course, throwing the AP under the bus – as I’m sure he was doing to her about me. Later, when I wouldn’t take him back, there was the muttered comment about how ‘that wasn’t supposed to be a long-term relationship’.
Well, she turned out to be attractive enough for him to stay with for over 2 years post my kicking him out. Until she dumped him for another man. Twice.
Me: Are you seeing someone?
X: No, are you?
The response to my question,
Me: Are you seeing someone?
X: No, are you?
She was doing a spa weekend (on her own) at a hotel we always went to as a family (so not suspicious). She then sent me a message saying her phone would be off as the battery was flat and she was leaving it in her room whist she ate dinner.
I then spoke to her much later in the evening – asked her about “dinner” (she was offline for 2-3 hours) and asked her what she did that whole time. Read a magazine, she said. me: “ok… what was in the mag?”, her: “I can’t remember, I was just looking at the pictures”…. for 3 hours…
The gut was going mental at this point, but I didn’t confront her despite this and other suspicious behaviour going on a for long time. I did, however, start snooping and eventually confronted her with the evidence.
But fuck me did I WANT to believe her bullshit I was reading a magazine for 3 hours even though I can’t remember any of it BS story.
She eventually admitted her fuckbuddy was there, but how fucked up that she though enough about deceiving me that she came up with the dead battery BS story to make sure her sex session was beyond suspicion….
“She was doing a spa weekend ” what is it with the Spa weekend cover stories.
Yo Yo Knickers used this one. She text me to ask what me and the kids were up to, whilst she was on a ‘Spa Weekend’. After D-Day I thought she text because she felt guilty spending the weekend with Lover boy…I got that wrong. She confessed that she was checking I hadn’t gone to the city where she was having her spa treatment…theres a joke about getting a “Facial” in there somewhere.
Worst bit….. she was being an abusive bitch and complaining about how shit her life was. Being the guilt-prone sucker that I am – I actually suggested she do the spa weekend to have some time away from me and the kids (who were the source of all the unhappiness in her life).
Chumped much?
XH and Miss Piggy would go on these little trips together offered as part of their “education”. But the classes were not mandatory. No one else seemed to be taking these expensive courses to further their career. Just them.
I knew about their on going affair ( biggest piece of horse shit I ever swallowed was the just a friend lie ) at this point and was putting my ducks in a row. But it still pisses me off.
They told us ( me, my children and her husband ) that they were staying at a certain hotel. In fact, there were other coworkers going to this course who were also staying at the same location.
My kids could not reach him by phone and missed him. He was always working and away. So, my oldest decided to call the hotel and see if she could get through to his room or leave a message.
Not only did they not check into that hotel, their co-workers let it slip out that they did not know what hotel the two had chosen to stay at. It was a BIG SECRET.
I had been swallowing the lies for sooooo long that they didn’t even try to cover their tracks any more.
I was so naive that he convinced me that I HAD to attend a series out-of-town meetings over his birthday weekend or our business would suffer. So, being the fool I was, I left the kids with him and traveled out of town to attend three days of meetings, feeling guilty the entire time I was gone. Being the good chump I was I, of course, busted my ass to “make up for” not being there to celebrate with him. The reality was that he spent the entire time I was gone with the crazy church lady. He did come home at night, so that no one was the wiser, certainly not me or the kids.
In a hilarious twist, I think his scheme actually blew up in his face, because he thought he was going to get laid the entire weekend. Instead, OW told him she had filed for divorce, and that she wanted him to do the same so that they could get married! Now, my X had absolutely no intention of marrying her; like so many others, he wanted his BJ’s on the side, but did not want to lose the cushy life I had created for us. I would have loved to see the look on his face when he realized the bitch was giving him an ultimatum! After that weekend, he walked around like he was planning his own funeral. Silly me, I thought it was because I had missed his birthday. No, he was just wondering when the shit was going to hit the proverbial fan. Three months later it did, and the joke was on both of them. He lost the love of a good a faithful woman and the respect of his friends and family. She lost her marriage, home, job, a relationship with 2 of her children and the money he was paying her as a “consultant.” Karma’s a bitch!
Ah yes, the “I can’t remember” answer. I got this so often when asking clarifying questions, I actually thought he was in early dementia.
Mine came up with a real original line: He told me that he had joined a gym at a hotel so he could work out and get in shape. Each Friday he would spend the whole day there “working out”. He would pack a small bag, because he “preferred to shower at the gym”.
After D-Day of course I found receipts for hotel stays each Friday. He would go screw his 19 year old girlfriend and then she would stay overnight and party with her friends.
Heck, I even found e-mails where he complained to management at the hotel when they wouldn’t let her into the club lounge without him present. It was a Sheraton. Guess they knew a slut when they saw one and didn’t want prostitution going on in their hotel either. Or maybe they just had a thing about unaccompanied minors!
Sheesh, how low of an opinion of yourself do you have to have to be willing to put a young slut on retainer and let her party with her friends on your (well my, actually, since I was the one mostly running the business by this time while he played) dime?
I’ve told the story before, but I still would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when he found the e-mail the 19 year old slut wrote to her bodybuilder boyfriend about how she couldn’t see him right now because she had a sucker who was going to buy her a car. That must have been a bright moment in his life, and I would have loved to have seen how he narc-spackled over his ego on that one! He did tell me just after that time that he’d “decided it was best not to see her anymore”. In true narc fashion, he had others lined up to take her place. Money talks. Unfortunately it was my money, and he spent a lot of it before I found out… living in a no fault state. My bad.
My stbx bought a new camera. He had to go out and “take pictures” every Saturday night until 2:00 or 5 a.m. He had to do this at night because the light hurts his eyes during the day. Yes, he actually said that.
I told him I didn’t like him coming home in the middle of the night every weekend. He stomped around like a toddler crying about how I was so mean – I was not not supporting his hobby! After he works so hard for us! After he works such long hours providing for us (working long hours screwing around).
I asked if he was having an affair. He stomped around like a toddler saying how he would never do that – cried about how insecure I am! He declared that our child would never know what it was like to be from a broken family!
Well turns out his ‘hobby’ was really his 22 y.o. coworker half his age.
They’ve been living together for about a year. Our child knows what’s it’s like to come from a broken family. Their baby (that was being kept a secret) is probably due in a month or two.
After my daughter found out I wasn’t really the bad person he made me out to be to justify his whoring around, he told her that he did what he did because he was unhappy. He said he was sorry – what more did she want. (I read the text) He told me he had cheating parents and he got over it, so our kid will have to get over it. (Lovely thing for a father to say).
My stbx is furious beyond belief that I did not file married and jointly. I was advised that it would not be a wise thing to do. I’ve paid the mortgage and taken care of the house all by myself while he continues to be sneaky and deceptive trying to dump me as cheaply as possible. We have not been ‘joint’. He is ‘joint’ with someone else, but wants to claim ‘joint’ to benefit him – it’s all about him.
The next time he flies into a pity rage about me filing separately on the taxes I should tell him I did it because I was unhappy – get over it. And watch the sparks fly.
Oh, and I had been supportive of all his hobbies – boats, boat racing, drones, RC cars, RC boats, motorcycles, quad, etc. But I’m so mean and evil not supporting his ho-worker hobby.
Oh yeah, he had to sleep in his car one night because I was so ‘mean.’ So a 240 pound oaf slept in a little Kia Spectra in the middle of winter. Interestingly, I found the receipt for the $250.00 room at the Hyatt for two. Maybe he and his car got a room. haha
It’s funny how they’re all morbidly obese fuckers, isn’t it? Mine too. But he was staying at Sheratons with his 19 year old whore.
Mine was at the Hyatt.
Mine was at the Westin & Airbnb’s when he wasn’t in massage parlors or strip clubs.
THIS is my favorite lie! (Because you have to laugh so you don’t collapse in a heap, right?)
I was taking photos til 2 AM!
You big Meanie- what do you mean, I must be up to something?
My goodness, it’s just stunning, how weird they are. Now I have to go get my camera bag ready for my midnight photo shoot later, I hear the big moths are out tonight!
My ‘best’ lie isn’t too crazy, he was telling me he had to go spend his Saturday off with his secretary, to ‘fix her faucet’. ?????
The two weekends before that, it was to help her move. And before that, ‘we like to get high together, and you don’t FreeWoman’. They were friends!
She also occasionally would invite us over for dinner, as her long-distance trucker hubby was home, and we should all hang out! (Cheater viewing his harem kibbles).
She has two kids, and her son, who was born during those days, looks so much like my X it’s amazing! How did that happen? Why does he look nothing like her husband?
I blame the faucet.
HA ha HHAAWW – – I blame the faucet – – thanks for the laugh, FreeWoman!
The handymen are great, huh?
I had been working 70+ hours weeks for about 8 months, and was finally getting a break. Friends of ours have a beautiful launch, and offered for us all to go up north and go fishing for a long weekend, both families. Them and their five kids, and us and our three. X was a keen fisherman, and had also been working long hours (self employed) and taking up the slack with the kids’ activities to a large degree (he hadn’t really for the previous 17 years of their lives.) So, I thought, great, something relaxing we can do together with friends we both like. Except, he couldn’t go. He had too much work on (he’s a farmer, so could have put any jobs off for three days – it wasn’t urgent.) I was terribly disappointed, but took the kids anyway, and had a lovely, relaxing time.
On my return home, that night, his phoned was lying on the kitchen bench, and I picked it up to shift it. (He’s a technophobe, and has no passcodes, etc on his phone.) The message from “my friend” – the OW, and his ex-GF from over 25 years earlier, whom he professed to dislike intensely, not helped by her nultiple cheating on him – read something like this:
“Why? There’s nothing to regret?”
My heart skipped a beat, and I thought, Whaaa? So, I went back through the recent messages between them. The one he sent her before that read:
“I am sorry, I have so many regrets about yesterday”
I gripped the phone, and calmly went into him and said, what are the regrets? Weird messages, I think we need to talk, please.
He looked shocked. We had NEVER had a conversation like this in our well over 20 years living together. And I had never looked at his phone, he would sometimes show me messages, funny things, etc. I added, “and we need to do this away from the kids.”
We walked to another building on the property together. In silence. Once inside, with the door closed, I asked him again, “what regrets are these? This looks pretty dodgy.” He replied that he had driven up to her house the day before (a 6 hour round trip) and helped her in her back yard, breaking up some concrete she needed removed. My jaw dropped. “Um, what?! You were ‘too busy’ to spend three days with your family, after complaining about my long stretch at work [it was a new job, I had worked alongside him for 17 years previously, and I had to prove myself, but the long hours had come to an end] but you had a whole day to go and break up concrete for your EX GIRLFRIEND? Really?” His reply was ridiculously swallowed, hook, line and sinker by me.
I recall about an hour and a half in that room, ‘discussing’ things, a LOT of tears, and me sliding down a wall in despair.” But, somehow he convinced me (usually the ultimate cynic) that he took pity on her, and had gone up to help a poor single mother out. My reply? “Why didn’t you tell me?” (I had also helped her out a lot, babysitting and giving her clothing for her child, and support with parenting issues, etc.) I even said, “you were up there, in late summer, sledgehammer in hand, smashing up concrete, with your shirt off, sweating and rippling, and the girl who never let you go, just gave you a glass of lemonade, and you drove home? Yeah, right!!!” I still don’t know what it was he said that made me believe him? I really can’t imagine me being that stupid. I guess I had had well over 20 years of good with him, we were a very connected couple, and I just trusted him. I still beat myself up about that. Turns out he had fucked her about four months earlier, and told himself it was a total fuck up, and a ‘once only error,’ feeling huge guilt and confusion after more than 20 years of love and fidelity with me (well, who really knows? Fucker.) He would NEVER repeat it, and would take to his grave.
Only, he didn’t. He did this instead, four months later, and it was then game on for another year. A full-on affair, right under my nose, right in my homes, cars, all over my farm, every-fucking-where. And I got the diseases to keep forever to remind me of her, nice.
But I bought that he just got a glass of lemonade? FML. I never thought of that conversation again, for over a year. Never. WTF? I never turned into the marriage police, why? How stupid am I really? Pretty damn easy to fool, apparently. And I thought I was onto cheaters, I had picked a hell of a lot of them throughout my life. Until it was my fucking cheater. Cool.
I know exactly how you feel! Looking back, I ask myself how could I have been so trusting? All those stupid lies, all those unexplained absences. Typing this I realize I put his biggest lie completely out of my mind. X had a bad back and all of a sudden he was going to physical therapy twice a week, but the appointment wasn’t being billed to our insurance. This made no sense, but he told me the guy felt so bad for him that he didn’t charge him. And I believed him!. Then, once when I was out of town and he was supposedly at an appointment, his secretary let slip he was with OW. I confronted him more than once about these discrepancies, but he was just so damn good at convincing me I was delusional!. He was SUCH a silver tongued LIAR; he could convince me of anything! Which is precisely why OW made sure I found out in a most public and humiliating way. Hard to lie when there is a front page news article staring you in the face…
The faucet would make a better companion than these souless remorselss creatures.
You wouldn’t hear any stupid lies and drama and blame.
Don’t forget he couldn’t take pictures during the day because the light hurt his eyes, poor sausage. He had pictures taken at night on his camera, but they could have been at 6:00 p.m. for all we know.
One night he couldn’t call me back while taking pictures of racoons at night. His phone was in tbe car and the car was far away, he said!
I pointed out that the picture of the racoons had part of the car in it.
I got the blank death stare over that one.
Yes, pathological liars. It got so weird I thought he had a brain tumor or dementia, too.
I still think he has a brain tumor sometimes with the weird things he says.
Oh I can’t stop laughing over this one, soooo crazy and funny!
Raccoons: the Anti-Unicorns!
What a great mascot for Chumps–raccoons are cute as buttons but with an impressive set of claws when cornered.
Studies show that cheaters are not talented liars but that lying to someone who trusts you is the loophole that cheaters take advantage of.
Cheaters take your trust and kindness for stupidity.
Wow. “Studies show that cheaters are not talented liars but that lying to someone who trusts you is the loophole that cheaters take advantage of.”
Haven’t seen that bit posted anywhere before. Perfectly sums up KK. (And me, I suppose.) I’ve always known her to be the worst liar I’ve ever seen — just call me “Loophole.”
Mine is a consummate liar. Probably because he’s so well-practiced. and a sociopath.
It took me 6 months after D-day to figure out his “lie” face, and we’d been together 24 years.
Mine is a pathological liar who will lie even where the truth is perfectly acceptable. At the time of DDay, she told me “she only lied about the affair” as if that made it any better, but with distance and space I noticed she lied about a lot of things and was also encouraging our kids to lie about things. It’s a huge red flag now as I think anyone prepared to lie about even small things is potentially lying about a lot more. My X seems to be oblivious to the fact she is lying is some cases – either great acting or just a superb liar about lying…. – not my problem now, but I suspect a lot of cheaters feel very comfortable with lying ….
Another danger sign is someone who has to be in control all the time. Pathological liars use lying as a form of control, and maintaining control is their motivation. If what they say convinces another person to believe or act a certain way (that is different than how they would think or act without that piece of knowledge), it is the ultimate power trip to the liar.
Cheater’s lies no longer work to control me, but the hindsight I now have makes me feel so stupid! I was in chains.
Yep – my pathological lying XW was all about control. It made her feel good to have power over me, do what she wanted, know what I don’t know. The little smirk when she thought she’d gotten away with it, or I had worked out she had something but didn’t know what it was – or the total destruction of self worth when I blew out her really big lies.
There’s another comment below in which someone mentions that they gave up what the tell was… I waited until we had split up and then told her, but even that I regret… would have been better to tell her (with a little smirk) that I know she has a tell and then not tell her what it is – would have driven he crazy!!
My cheater’s lie face is a very precise, barely-perceptible smile. Like when someone insults me so I set my “it doesn’t bother me face” but I also didn’t like them anyway so I’m a little pleased they’re riled and a tiny smirk emerge.
Took me a year of “trickle-truths” – asking a leading question I already know the answer to and a myriad of interwoven fishing expeditions – to detect it… but I’m a human lie detector now. I did the same with his friends and co-workers and learned many, MANY lie faces. A silver lining?
I’ve actually had to start my own business as a result of this adeptness at detecting and catching people in lies… too many bosses and district managers think their peon salesmen don’t deserve to know what’s true. Working in toxic environments full of other liars didn’t suit… I was always on edge. It wasn’t IF I would be lied to, it was who and why and how often each day I would be lied to. My “shit-stirring” was telling other co-workers that x, y, and z things were a lie, show them with proof how I know this, and then they would stand up for themselves as well.
I’d rather make less money for a little while and build it up than have to choke down being lied to multiple times a day.
A few years into our marriage I realized that my husband’s mouth became very dry (thick) when he would lie. Like an idiot, I pointed this out to him to prove I knew he was lying at the time. After that, my “dry mouth detector” never had cause for alarm — NOT because he suddenly became honest. Rather, astonishingly, he managed to stop that little physiological “tell.” I was left with no sign at all.
It actually scares me that he can lie so expertly.
Mine told me her AP was ‘probably’ gay anyway so when she stayed all night there nothing was going on.
“I need to go out there and miss you…to remember why I fell in love with you.”
?
Gag worthy.
Bingo! Got those words too
Yep, me too. “We spend too much time together, I want to be able to miss you”….yeah, right sense…good ‘ol cheater logic.
“The storm is freaking me out, so I can’t catch a bus to get the last train home. I’m going to have to stay at a friend’s place and come home in the morning instead.”
Grown man afraid of English weather, so cannot return to wife and children in the suburbs.
Perhaps he thought he was made of sugar?
I believed the “I have to get a hotel so that I don’t have to drive drunk after the department party.” Yeah, the one that graduate students attend.
And of course, wife is not invited to ?
I got that one! The next day told me he got drunk and had to get a room (with howorker) but don’t worry – he’s ok.
It’s all about them.
The saddest part about this fun Friday what lie did you fall for assignment is that we could probably do this every Friday and never run out of shit to post.
Agree with that! So many lies, almost hard to think of the worst ones! Endless list!
It reminds me of that old eighties song, “Lies, lies, lies, yeah..they’re gonna get you..” I don’t remember the artist but good karma song for all the lies these cheaters have told.
Werd
There are so so many that I believed WITHOUT question in the beginning. He told me he had gone to rehab for cocaine abuse but was clean and sober now (lie). He told me that he had played professional soccer with Crystal Palace and was a striker “who came up with Ian Wright” (as far as I can tell now that I have looked at history of players this is a lie-plus I feel so stupid because the man has NO memorabilia from those days and I STILL believed him.)
I did however tell him my boundaries (no cheating or physical abuse or drugs-I SHOULD have had more!) For some dumb reason although I believed the above dumb bs when I found over 4,000 text messages, phone calls and pics on the cell phone bill and confronted him (he said it was a therapist) I immediately went no contact (he had moved in with a “friend” a week earlier because in his words, “I have a right to be fucking happy!!” -words he screamed at my 6 year old daughter and me when he left.) I guess the 10 years that I was spackling just got old.
A week later when I called a person he works with to ask them if they knew, they told me that he had been using drugs since we got together and everyone is amazed that I had no idea-they all wondered if I knew and didn’t care or was just naive.
I literally fell in the floor I was so shocked. All the conversations where he spoke about how he “used” to be a junkie. All the days I told him how amazing I thought he was to have turned his life around…All the days he slept and didn’t go to work were not because “he has depression” (although I am sure an addict/undiagnosed nod would be depressed and have anxiety) but because he had been sleeping it off!!!!
I am SO angry still after 9 months but more incredulous that I had married a complete con man WHO IS STILL CONNING HIMSELF AND NEW MARKS. (A new set of amazing friends and a new love he lived with most likely since he left our house that he stopped paying the mortgage on several months before he abandoned us) I filed for divorce the following week without telling him my intentions and have not looked back. It is so hard dealing with the feelings of being violated though. While this guy is spinning a new narrative with another group of people I am still reeling from feeling like a dumb ass for being tricked and putting up with what I now know was a completely disfunctional day to day with someone who doesn’t even have the capability to tell the truth let alone have healthy relationships with people.
I have a great therapist who is helping me immensely and I am on the right path. Just waiting on Tuesday I guess. CL and all of you are my absolute pleasure on my commute every morning. Thank you.
Nejla–that anger/rage at being duped and violated lasts a long time (year and a half is my best estimate). And it resurfaces occasionally into year 2 post-divorce. Hard to wrap our heads around the person that we pledged our life to burying a hatchet in our backs so deliberately.
Thanks for that Tempest:)
Jedi Hugs Nejla! You might consider taking an IMPACT self defense class or something like Krav Maga. I haven’t done the latter but the first class was satisfying, I got to HIT hard – something I’ve never been able to really do before. I’ve also learned to express my anger better but still not well enough. I think that keeps us stuck some too, not being able to truly express the anger.
I second this. A martial arts class — and a good, solid punching bag. Wonderful stress relievers (and a boost to the ability to defend ourselves).
I also recommend an IMPACT self-defense class-you’ll be able to kick the sh*t out of the suited instructor in the head as well as the cojones. Gavin de Becker recommends the organization in his book “The Gift of Fear”.
Fucking awesome idea!
I think you sound like you are doing great, Nejla! Nine months out? You sound clear and self aware. You’ll get there. 9 months out I was getting so triggered I would shake half the day.
Time is our friend – plus a very good therapist! And BTW I don’t shake much anymore….
Not infidelity-related, but should have been a red flag: “I don’t have a middle name.” No reason I shouldn’t believe her, until government mail came to our (pre-marriage) apartment with her middle name (an Eastern European version of Agatha) on it. She explained this by saying when her family had come to Canada via a refugee camp in Austria, the paperwork required a middle name so her parents had used this one. Later: we’re showing our wedding invitations to her father, who points out that we’ve “forgotten” her middle name. “But she doesn’t have one,” I say. Awkward, as the young people say.
So many lies after DDay, but one just before sticks in my memory. It’s a Friday in August, I’m driving back from a college visit with my high school senior (which STBX couldn’t attend because…working). I get a phone call from Asswipe (daughter is driving) saying that he’s just completely overworked, exhausted, and has decided to take himself on an overnight “beer tour” (he loves visiting local breweries). I can’t say very much since my daughter is sitting right next to me, but I ask why didn’t you text me you were thinking about doing this instead of calling as you’re driving out of town? Him, it was a spur of the moment decision and I didn’t think I should bother you while you were visiting the college. Says he’ll be gone overnight and be home sometime Saturday. While he’s gone, sends pictures of himself at various breweries. Then doesn’t come home until Sunday. I’m pissed and hurt, but chump me doesn’t question his explanations. After DDay a month later, I ask, did you meet (the whore) on that “beer tour” a month ago? Completely denies it. Then when confronted with his lie after I find out the truth from a friend (because he confessed to her husband!) he said he was “scared” to tell me the truth because he didn’t want me to kick him out. Because after each of the three DDays, he VOWED he wanted to be in our marriage, wanted to give her up but just kept “slipping up.” Ugh. So glad to have that constant lying and gas lighting out of my life.
We just discuss the bible and try to understand it better. Well that was a total failure! God himself wrote 10 things not to do. You can’t understand them? Both are a total failure and I hope they roast to a good charred black in hell!
Yes, I got the “we were praying together”, too. Now, that one was a major red flag and I called him on it at the time. Why? Because, in the entire time we were married, I had never seen X pray once and he repeatedly told me he wasn’t religious. As for OW, she was “preying” alright, just not in the way she told the members of her church!
Let’s see, I got:
“Were just friends.”
The Tramp came home at 6:30 in the morning, I asked where she was, “I fell asleep on my friend’s couch.”
I had called her she said her phone was on silent, which she never did.
The next day I overheard her talking to her friend about how om texted her that if he knew she was going to stay out that late he would have taken her to a nicer hotel than motel 6. When confronted The Tramp said, “We were texting about my friend and her affair partner, not me and om2.”
Then I heard her talking to om2 (right before i filed) saying she talked to her friend about if she could see herself long term with om2, and “the sex”. When I confronted her later, “I don’t remember ever saying that. I am a married woman, I would never say that to another guy.”
Finally after I filed, and called her a cheater, “I have not had sex with anyone but you. Don’t call me a cheater. If anything I only had an EA with om1, so you need to say I was an emotional cheater. om2 is just a friend.” Her favorite saying about both om, “they have too much shit in their lives, I would not want to be with him.”
I forgot “you violated my trust in you by looking at my text messages with om1.”
I was going to tell you about my new “friend”, om2, but you caught me talking to him drunk at 2 a.m.”
Holy crap! I got the word for word same lies.
‘We were just friends’
‘I fell asleep on my friend’s couch’
‘My phone was on silent/I left my phone in the car/I wasn’t getting a signal’
Also got ‘You invaded my privacy’
This one always gets me. You (cheater) behaved strangely enough that I asked about it, then acted evasive when confronted. Therefore, I looked for evidence and found some. Now the problem isn’t that you are a deceptive douche, the problem is that I found out you are a deceptive douche. You are indignant that I violated your privacy, but I am not supposed to hold you accountable for lying, betraying, harming, etc.
Deflect at all costs. That’s the cheater way.
I asked about a charge on our bank account. He yelled at me that if I researched him he would leave me!!
I had already told him that he was leaving. I saw the signs.
They become rageful to shut you up. Scumbag.
I forgot my two favorites (the lies just keep coming back in my head):
“I really thought we would be able to work it out, but by filing for divorce you ruined everything (I am sure she just meant her cake eating)”,
And the piece de resistance:
“I have cried so much since you filed for divorce.” Note: she did not cry to me once (well she cried once, when she got in her car, and then stopped crying in about 30 seconds when she got out, I watched all this), and when she told a mutual friend, who likes me better, she did not cry at all. Our friend thought it was really weird, because she did not seem upset. When I heard this I knew I had made the right choice.
“I have cried so much since you filed for divorce.” I never cried out of guilt when I was cheating on you, but crying out of self-pity since it started to look like my cheating would have consequences? Oh yeah, crying buckets.
Mine whined about how I filed papers when things got rough.
Rough is maybe having an accident or job loss.
“Rough” is not lies, deceit, disappearing, his cruelty, no remorse, arrogance, turning our daughter against me, rejecting our daughter because he had to run to the hotel when she wanted to hang out with him, the trickery, the gaslighting, threats and bullying.
Things were abusive – not “rough.”
My cheater kept his changing his cell phone password, claiming the phone company was doing it. Believed it until it became MRDarcy31. and trust me, he was no Mr Darcy!!
My ex took his cell phone in the shower. Wrapped in a tshirt and put it in the edge of the tub. When I asked for his password for the phone, he said he’d give him to me if I promised not to look at his phone.
The lies I fell for : I love you and only you! I dont know where she is, she left and went back to China!! We never had sex!!! The flowers charged to visa was not me they made a mistake ha ha. I am going on an ice fishing weekend!!!! ( when we were supposed to be trying to fix the hell he created) oh and one more: I have to work late and go in extra early!!!!!
I am getting angry just writing this, I was a major chump. Believed everything. Never again!
“…go in extra early.” Hmmm…yeeessss…that one is familiar. Is it wrong for an insurance claims person to start work at 4:00 am? Or to go in on the weekend to “work” at 4:00 am? He accrued a ton of vacation time, but could never get any days off. My guess now is that he was having plenty of PTO, but would spend it in the whore’s bed, come home freshly showered and eat a home-cooked meal that he’d request.
“Hello. My name is NoKibble4U and I am a chump.”
Maybe the one where I found condoms scattered around his bed at his workshop where he stayed when “too tired to come home”(happened a lot) and he told me that they must belong to a friend?
Hahahahahahaha….I used that line as a teenager when my parents found my cigarettes!
Not my condoms.
Gotta love their creativity.
“Condoms? What condoms? I was making balloon animals.”
Tempest, you know what the sad part of finding the condoms is that “I was making balloon animals”, is one of the most ridiculous sounding excuses, but we have all chosen to believe the ridiculous lies at some point.
When we were young, we worked the same position in the same company. We had company cars. We left the company a few weeks after marriage and our respective company cars were reassigned. Someone found a used condom in now X’s former company car. The entire organization ended up having to attend a “biohazard” training. X denied it was his condom. Said car must have been used by someone else after we left. I didn’t learn about this until many years into our marriage. I was mortified that people thought it was “OUR” condom!
Now it all makes sense.
Found a condom under the driver’s seat of his truck. He said “It’s not mine. It must have been there when I bought the truck.”
He did buy the truck used, so my spackle-y self supposed that was possible. *Except* that under the seat was also *his* favorite kind of cologne and his comb. (doh!)
Not sure that was the most ridiculous lie, but it’s in the top 10.
Let’s see:
She’s crazy.
It was only an emotional affair, we never had sex.
I want nothing to do with her.
I love only you.
This was the biggest mistake of my life.
Truth translated:
She wasn’t crazy, he was lying and conning her (the last OW that is).
We have been having sex for over a year.
I want her and you and any other troll I can find.
I only love myself.
Getting caught was the biggest mistake of my life.
Turd.
Same lines I got!
“I met him for supper to get closure”
After catching her out when she said she was going for supper with a girlfriend.
How do cheaters do this shit. All the lying and deceit. Stirs up anger in me for being such a chump.
Oh yeah, I got the closure thing too. Still pisses me off 3.5 years later. “She needs to see me one more time for closure.” Yo, Whorebag, when you have an affair with a married man, you don’t deserve closure. Turns out the “closure” dinner was actually an overnighter at his hotel…
My STBX travelled a lot for work and our standing joke was ‘say hi to your girlfriend in … (whatever country he was going to)’. Problem is, the joke was on me. He would get his whore to meet him (him paying her first class tickets).
When calmly asked if he was having an affair – ‘As if I would have time for that! I’m so busy!’ – add chuckles at my ‘silliness’.
The constant cry of ‘I’m sooo tired. I need a holiday’. So chumpy me finds him a nice resort, cruise etc to recuperate from his overfilled schedule. Then he brings his whore or finds a temporary one for that ‘rest’ he needed. One time he even paid for extra nights (at a beautiful hotel I picked for him) for his whore after he had left! She must have been ‘sooo tired’ from her exertions….
So many, many more where these come from…
So you were married to the same guy as me then? Sounds like an identical scenario!
You don’t happen to live in Sydney, Australia, do you? The cheaters seem to have only the one playbook.
Ha! That’s where I’m from and that’s where I met him! He’s from Melbourne. We moved to Hong Kong, then Dubai, then New York and now Connecticut. All for his career and our own business that I worked hard to build. After discovering he’s been cheating since at least 2007, I’ve called time on this farce of a marriage and I’m taking my three children back to Australia so they can build some kind of cultural identity. The sacrifices we all made for him. No more – it’s now all about me and my three!
I’m telling you, I think it may be something about proximity to Asia with these Aussie guys. They think they can just have a wife as a beard, and pay for whatever else they want on the side!
I was married to mine for 20 years from 1994-2014.
At first I thought his infidelity was something recent that had developed towards the end of our marriage.
But I had access to his computer because of the business, and backed it up early in the process to remove the massive password protection he had on it.
The further I went back in time the more I realized this wasn’t a problem that developed over time, it was actually who he was all along, but just didn’t reveal to me.
I got back as far as about 2003 on that computer, but the more I discovered, the more my head went back to the past until I realized that when I first went over to Sydney to be with him, he had this really young, pretty waitress, who worked at the restaurant he owned at the time… And that she was bonking him way back then, before we were even married yet!
Happy to say now I’m back in California, living with someone I knew in high school, who would never dream of acting like that and totally shares his life with me.
I know some would say the cheater rule book is the same around the world, but the one the cheaters use inAustralia seems decidedly worse!
Wow, this reminded me of something. Skankboy and I are both short. When I would get into his car, the seat was pushed way back. I would say to him as I adjusted the seat, “boy, your girlfriend must have long legs!” SMH!
How about just the biggest lie of them all. We never had sex. Yeah right. You’re in love and have left your wife and kids to “pursue this for your own happiness” and you’ve never had sex with this woman in a whole year. I call BS. This all from the pathological liar! It is pretty constant.
My ex often fell asleep in his car and went to the beach in the middle of the night to work out. You know working out at 1 am at the beach makes perfect sense! He also had a ‘friend’ that text him all the time, Ali was her name in his phone. I began digging and found a ton of emails and naked photos from ‘Alicia’. He claimed they were different people. Ali a friend and Alicia was someone he just exchanged naked photos with. Turns out Ali and and Alicia were the same person even had the same phone number. He insisted even when confronted with Alicia’s naked photos and Ali’s FB photo they were 2 different people!
CheaterEx did a lot of late night “running at the beach.” Because he felt safer there. And he went late at night so he could “help with the kids” first. Such a great guy!
Dumbest lie #1 – I’m sleeping with the Sheriff”s wife. #2. I’m going to orgies. #3. I was helping a friend cheat. He didn’t want to leave a trail bCk to him on his credit card. (so u leave a trail back to your credit card?) #4. I never had friends growing up…that’s why I was vulnerable. #5. I was sexually molested as a kid so “talking” to her made me feel better. #6. I went to Cover Haven lovers resort in the Poconos with “the guys ” on a fishing trip. Really mofo? U slept in a heart-shaped bed and used. Champagne shaped jacuzzi ALONE????!!! #7. I was at Walmart (for 5 hours every Sunday) #8. Shes my 3rd cousin!!! #9. When I found an email confirmation for 2 tix to Nascar from “her” on his email he says “I dunno why she sent that?” #10. I’m gay. Thats why I went to hotels. Yea right asshole. #11. I bought that Tiffany necklace for you. Mind you, he bought it on Christmas Eve. Still hadn’t given it to me by New Years Eve!! #12. When I caught an STD (trich…what an appropriate name) he swears I got it from a toilet seat despite Dr telling us that’s not possible!! #13. And the piece de resistance …….I love you! …..yeah..right
You just made me feel not quite as bad about my ex’s antics.
I’m so sorry.
I’m glad you’re out of that mess!
I got that right! I’m so glad his ho-worker stole him away!! But karma is always around the corner….he has prostate cancer. I try to snicker ..hehhehehe oopps!
Wow, Nutmeg. Lotsa lies from your cheater (and he has a vivid imagination).
Yes he’s quite an actor lol. Laughable now.. not my problem anymore thankfully
#7, except it was Home Depot or Lowes.
Library or Barnes and Noble
I visit the apartment in the city that he uses through the week and find a packet of condoms in the bathroom cupboard. His response ‘But they’re not opened! I don’t know why I bought them!’ I had a tubal ligation years ago and he was my only sexual partner ever and I was supposed to be his only sexual partner ever. Modern miracle – an STD has evolved that doesn’t need sexual contact to spread! Guess I’m just lucky…
“Nothing happened when she was living with me.” OW rented a room in our house once when she was new to town. I was away with the kids during those 3 months.
“I am not having an affair.” Later he claimed that this was not a lie, since he was having many one-night stands and a couple of affairs, not just one. Still says “I never lied to you.”
I learned to say he was deliberately deceptive instead of saying he “lied”. He would say “I never lied” and I would say “You withheld specific information with the deliberate intent to deceive me. Deception doesn’t always require a spoken lie.” He would then just look at the floor and sulk.
Misdirection and intentionally giving you a false impression so you reach a wrong conclusion are just other forms of dishonesty. Don’t try that ‘but I didn’t lie!’ line with me. There is also the blatant lie – that became a favourite if his.
“I never lied” — I got that one too (from a pathological liar, making it hilarious in hindsight). In his mind, he told half-truths and half-truth means a statement is not a complete lie. Thus, it’s not a lie. (Cheater logic is gag-worthy.)
+1!!!!
+1000 !!!
Hmm.. methinks he needed to change the inflectionon that sentence then to “I’m not having AN affair.”
Do all cheaters try the line ‘The woman that left that suggestive message on my social media page? She’s some crazy stalker that won’t back off’.
Yes. They ALL do.
The same line they say about us “my crazy stalker ex” ?
Oh, Lord, I have some bad ones. For a long time, Sluterella worked as a reporter for tiny newspapers. As part of her job, she was gone from the office all day covering stories, so she had no reason to lie about her whereabouts. She carried out the affairs on her working hours. Most of my clues about the first 2 AP’s were simply odd behavior on her part.
However, in her job later she had no opportunity, but I still bought some whoppers. (When I caught her with #3, she fessed up to #1 & #2, though I believe there were at least five.)
Take your pick as to which one is the worst. Even though it technically wasn’t a lie, my personal nomination is the first one, where I simply made up an excuse for her.
With AP #1-
After we’d been married three months (yes, three months), she asked me to look at a problem with her e-mail while she was out of town. I fixed the problem easily, but I noticed there were a ton of e-mails from guys she worked with. Some of these guys were addressing her as “sweetie;” others she shared details about herself (like her monthly cycle, eww) that were entirely inappropriate for a married woman. I was stunned.
She didn’t even have to lie, because I made excuses for her. At first, I swore I was going to meet at the door breathing fire, but eventually I decided it COULDN’T be what I thought it was, because
1. No one cheats 3 months into a marriage, especially women (wrong on that one!)
2. There were so many guys in these exchanges, she clearly couldn’t be cheating with all of them
Instead, I felt guilty for being suspicious, and bought her flowers. She didn’t bother to say thank you for them, just like every other time I bought them for her.
Another with AP #1
She told me she was at some work function one night. I didn’t think twice about it. When she got home, I asked her how it went. She said “What is this, the Inquisition? Why are you grilling me?” All for just asking her how the event was? BIG red flag, but Mr. Chumpity just didn’t see it.
With AP #2
“I would never have an affair with that guy. He’s so overweight, like 300 lbs.”
Good Lord, why that didn’t piss me off more I don’t know. She was saying, if he lost weight, I’d cheat on you with him.. It turned out, it didn’t matter, she cheated with him without him losing weight.
With AP #3
I didn’t have “Jake from State Farm,” we had “Jane from work.” There were three women named Jane at her work, so she could easily mold the lie however she needed it.
While I was on her phone looking for someone’s number, I noticed she had several phone calls to “Jane” on her phone that were made on her drive into work. I asked her “You have all these calls to Jane. Why?”
Her: “Jane is one of my best friends! [notice she didn’t say which one]. We talk all the time!”
Me: “Yeah, but you guys call each other on your drive in every day. You work in the same place. Why didn’t you just wait to talk to her once you got in to the building? You’re going to see her five minutes later.”
Her: “Uh, I don’t know…we just like to call each other before we get in.”
Yes, I bought that one hook, line, and sinker….
“I don’t have a favorite Jane, honey. But I really like Dick.”
Ha ha! That’s good 🙂 .
Days after DD, he packs up to stay with his bro 2,000 miles away for a week to “think”. Amazingly, during that week, nary a call or text to OW5 (who I still think is OW1), oh, or to me. I’m guessing he’s used that excuse on cocksocket over the course of the last 8+ years. It’s a tried & true, proven goodie. 😉
My ex showered and put on cologne and told me he was going kayaking with his friend Paul. When I asked why the cologne, he told me he was stopping by his doctor’s office on the way and didn’t want to look or smell grungy.
This was 5:00 pm on a Friday.
LOL!
“The viagra you found was given to me for free by a drug rep. (Still in sample pack.. that part is true) I couldn’t say no to them, but I would never use it with you because you and I don’t need that. If there are any pills missing, it must be because I was looking at them and some fell and went into the toilet! “
Oh, I forgot some more whoppers….
With AP #1 –
She didn’t change her byline on her newspaper once we got married to her new last name. I asked her about it, and she said “My readers might not know who I am!” Huh? “What difference does it make? You report on crime. Do they actually even look at the byline?” “They might think it’s somebody else.”
Keep in mind, she reported the crime blotter for a WEEKLY newspaper. Does anybody even know, or care, who wrote it? Yet, I bought it.
It bothered me, so I badgered her about it a few months later. Eventually, she changed the byline (see the third example, below).
With AP #1-
I noticed she didn’t wear her wedding ring when I picked her up for lunch at the office. She said she forgot it. The next time I went to see her, still not wearing it. I point it out again. She said she was afraid she was going to lose it, so she never wore it outside the house (at least when I wasn’t around). She didn’t wear it for years.
With AP #1:
We went to a work function at her office together after she had changed her byline. One of her co-workers got a little tipsy. He told me “You wouldn’t believe how many people in this town had no idea she had gotten married! When she changed that byline, it created such a stir!” Now, I had a wife not wearing her ring, apparently giving everyone in town the impression she was single. But, when she told me “Oh, I don’t really share details on my private life with all these city officials and police officers,” knowing full well there were all e-mailing her and talking all the time…I bought it.
Argh!
“I’m an honest person. I hate liars. They are the only people I really have trouble dealing with.”
“My dad had an affair. I hated him for years because of it. I don’t understand how anyone could do that to their kids or wife.”
A great example of how the moral rules of life just don’t apply to them. It’s such a mind-bending experience to realize the hypocrisy of it all. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that crap.
Me (7 months pregnant): “Could you please not share the hotel room with ho-worker during your business trip?”
Him (mad at me for interfering on such a matter):”You know my company is going through a rough patch financially, I have to cut the costs”.
I am still ashamed to have uttered these words, even 6 years later…
I have many similar moments — so, please know you aren’t alone. I think almost all of us chumps went to astonishing lengths to try to get our asshats to honor their commitments to us. One of my lowest lows was begging him to leave since he clearly didn’t love me. And that was about fifteen years before the final implosion.
We went on a “romantic” weekend to the mountains. Hot tub in room, he wants me to shave his back, to look good for me in said hot tub . He calls off the vacation early,the bed in the room hurt his back so much, heads back to whore, she enjoys the fruits of my shaving labors. As we have all proven, you can’t make this shit up! She can shave his back forever, good riddance!
Yeeesssss!!!! Next Friday can we please play the game where we list all the shit we don’t have to do anymore that now is the full time job of the schmoopie?
Even better, pen the letter to the schmoopie like the letter that you leave with your daycare lady on your kids first day with all the stuff she needs to know to take care of the baby?
Yes!!!! I’m in!!!!
Oh god. I have so many…
You could send the OW a start-up kit: disposable razors, bleach, the business card of a local PI…..
OH, Wow! can I also chip in some tweezers and flashlight for “Look at this inflamed spot in my assorted crevasses?”
I love you all, and I can laugh at it mostly, because it’s over, but shocking what we believe because we need to! Hence the Charlie Sheen reference, he was lifelong addict, one night a junkie whore stopped at his home, he was worried about her “state” and her driving, so she “crashed” on the couch, yep, I bought that one too!
It’s not the LIES themselves that amaze me these days in retrospect. It’s more the amazing away my brain was able to spackle over them.
Years before I found out my husband was a whore-fucking serial cheater, this happened….
I told him I wanted to take a bike ride with him. It had been a while since we had ridden our bikes, so we pulled them out of the shed to find the tires were low. We had one of those foot pumps to pump air into them so we set that up to pump in the air. Pumped up my bike, no problem. Then, as we were both standing there, watching him pump air into his bike tires, his bike tipped over…
AND A CONDOM FELL OUT OF THE CUPHOLDER.
Bright blue wrapper, bounce, bounce, bounce on the teracada colored porch, right next to my foot.
I look up at him and I swear he give me the blankest look you’ve ever seen on a face. I don’t even remember if I said anything. And he said “What, do you think I rode my bike somewhere to have sex with someone?”
Again, I don’t remember my answer. I just remember my brain doing a little jig trying to figure out another possible reason. “Ummmm the hot florida sun causes condoms to grow in sheds?” “Ummmm you had your bike locked up at the beach and someone walking by just had to get rid of the wrapped condom they were carrying it around so they tossed it into your completely random bike cup holder?”
The MOST fucked up thing is, I DO NOT REMEMBER how this didn’t become the beginning of the end. Somehow, my brain (heart?) so strongly believed that my husband wasn’t capable of lying/cheating, that I managed to somehow file this (and other instances over the years) under “Forget about it”.
It was SO easy for him to lie to me. That shit is what still keeps me up nights, two years after divorcing his sorry ass.
I’m with you there Givetimetime….I could not believe my ex was capable of cheating. And he lied effortlessly, easily over and over again. I read Scott Peck’s book, “People of the Lie.” It’s an interesting read. He equates these people with evil and that all of us can be deceived by them. It’s normal to trust and believe in people we love. What isn’t normal are cheaters and liars. Glad you are rid of him.
Yes, GTT, the mental gymnastics we did to continue to trust them is amazing in retrospect.
Cheater and I never used condoms after discovering I had secondary infertility. They made sex, for both of us, we said, feel like he was masturbating with a toy but inside of me.
I found a box – one of those $80 Trojan BULK boxes. It was a lot to spend anyway but on THAT MANY?! WTF? I thought he was just doing another one of his I’m-as-asshole and I want to show you moves (like picking the place he knows I hate for dinner just because he’s feeling pissy; poor thing is “hangry,” I reasoned away.) He paid for them in some way that was not our ONLY bank account. Maybe saving up his lunch/snacks cash, which was the same amount as always?
Whatever the reason, something inside my brain just snapped. I brought up a safety pin, one night as we were getting ready for bed and he was just in a haze of sleepiness, took the box from the drawer I’d previously found it in, and quietly proceeded to dump them onto his body under the covers, poke holes through the center of each set I grabbed, and put them back into the box. His eyes got bigger. He asked what I was doing; he was only trying to make sure we didn’t have an OOPS. I dryly thanked him for his thoughtfulness. I don’t know what happened to them but I never looked for that box again and never saw it.
This memory didn’t come back to me – I must have been half-crazed with cognitive dissonance – until he used it as the excuse that he claimed he took it very far but never had intercourse with any of the other women. I’d ruined his big stash of condoms.
It was yet another AH HA moment. All too much – the deception that was almost never an active lie and always justifiable to the mind of a wife who cannot imagine her husband would throw away EVERYTHING for a quick dick dip into a ho-worker.
At least he was using condoms, exasshole did not and I’m paying for it the rest of my life.
Me too:( It’s not just that he was a horrible disordered person but that I fucked up by not seeing it…ah, my brain is still on fixer mode. It is baffling.
I will not fall for all the little lies again or ignore the little red flags ever again.
“The hotel here is full so I have to share a room with a coworker, it really sucks.”
“I wasn’t with anyone [in a 4-star hotel near our house], I just needed to get away and think about us.” “No other, cheaper hotels had room! My boss understands what I’m going through, he said he’d split the cost with me.”
WTF.
And later, when I knew about her… “But at that hotel, I was only talking to her on the phone….”
“My iPhone tracking?” (We used to share each other’s location, it was a sweet part of our relationship; his conveniently stopped working when the lies started.) “Must have been a new update…wiped out my texts too! Had to restore my phone system.”
“Oh no, that’s just a new work credit card…”
“YOU are such a liar! This is unacceptable, I can’t stay here anymore!”
I struggled and struggled to spackle that shit. I am embarrassed that I actually succeeded….
Ug.
I got forwarded a picture of a selfie my wife took in her underwear. She said she “took it for a couple of female friends to get their thoughts on her entering a bikini contest.” Checked on her phone a few weeks later…..it was taken and just sent to OM, no texts of it to her friends in sight.
She went to a concert…..couldn’t text me because “she had no cell phone reception”…….traded texts with OM all night long. Went on a trip with a friend…….didn’t have time to text or call…….texted the OM hundreds of times.
She spent a few hours after work every day for months “running a couple of miles in the park.” Not until I started running myself about a year later…and I’m by no means Usain Bolt….but I figured out it doesn’t take 2+ hours to run two miles.
I ALMOST fell for, “You shouldn’t be so morally rigid. It’s possible to love more than one person at a time. My love for you is separate for my love for her.” as a way to explore/pursue his new “soulmate” of 2 weeks. I said NO then, I’ve said NO a million times, and if he still didn’t understand NO, the divorce which is almost final should send the message home. NO. CAKE.
Some people are polyamorous. They need to be up front about it. We should all get to make informed choices from the beginning of any relationship.
Anything else is assholery.
Yeah, no shade on people who are upfront about non-monogamy. As long as everyone involved is informed and consenting, hey, do your thing. It’s not for me personally, but it can be ethical and non-exploitative, so that’s not cheating. Cheating requires deception.
The lie is strong in cheaters.
When I found out about sex texting messages and asked if they had sex he said, “Do you think I have time for that?” When I asked if she’d knew where we lived, he said, “Do you think I’m crazy?! No!”
Yes, he had time for that. Yes, she knew where we lived and yes, he’d fucked her in our home.
He’s such a gross human. I’m glad that pathetic creature is gone from my life.
*I am sorry this is long, but I hope someone reads it. Just writing it gave me a crushing stomach ache but I am so happy I did as I was tinkering with writing him a letter last night. This cured it.*
We had just spent two weeks staying with my mother to be near HIS business. I spent two weeks filing articles of incorporations, getting lines of credit, running his stupid errands.
We rode in a pick up truck so close we looked like country bumpkin teenagers. The old bench seats where you sit together like honeymooners. We had sex in my mother’s living room in the middle of the night… we took my mother out to eat. He cleaned my mother’s kitchen. We were excited about goals and we were in love. (Ahhh…delusions).
With Memorex clarity, I remember him pulling into a strip mall parking lot, looking at me with his icy blue eyes and holding my stare, then said:
“I love you so much, I can’t stand to let you out of my sight.” (Hold that thought.)
The very next morning, I had to go back to the house to work and get things in order, about a three hour drive away. He had inherited a business near where we grew up, not where we lived full time. He had left my mother’s very early that morning to go “get stuff done.”
He ordered me: “I want to see you before you leave. Wait for me on this road.”
It was wildly inconvenient, I had dogs and a cat in the car who got motion sickness….I said, I will try. I called one time on this BUSY road, but I left a loving message… you did not answer, I am headed home, miss you, see you soon- I love you so much. (I did).
Hours passed. No call. No arrival. No answer on his cell. Then days passed. Remember- we had been sleeping at my mother’s house for the past two weeks, in a twin bed…so close, intimate, a team. How could a couple be any closer?
By the third day, I was in some sort of fugue state. I had probably called….500 times? I remember my mouth being so dry that I had to use Vaseline on the corners of my mouth, like a coma patient. He never answered or the phone was shut off to voice mail. For three days. From lovey dovey team….to Silence.
On the morning on the 4th day, his phone finally answers. It is a woman. I have blocked some of the memories, but I remember him saying over and over, “She is just a friend.” “She was helping him.” I remember him asking her, Were you polite to her when you answered? As if this fixed it.
I found out from a frantic phone investigation from his sole decent male friend:
He was staying in a fleabag hotel with this woman, who was a known party girl and about 16 years younger than him, and she was riding around with him non stop. They were together 24/7. You know…doing the errands I had just been doing? For our business?
The morning I had left, he had gone straight over to her house and they had been Frick and Frack.
I had a male friend call, and make up some business excuse lie, because I was clinically insane by this point…and I was listening on speaker phone.
They were shopping TOGETHER in a grocery store with the easy comradeship, the intimacy that you hear with married couples….like us. Should we buy this? Laugh Laugh….Do you like this type of potato chip? Haha. You are so funny! Her to him.
He lived with/stayed with this whore for 2 weeks. FOR TWO WEEKS. The only thing that stopped him from, I guess, just living with her forever…someone (never got the truth) flipped the brand new Tahoe he had just bought. Total loss.
I changed my phone number, hired a man off CL ( a random) drive him all him his things. I never went to find him, never called him. I cried so much that I got some type of tear duct infection. I was a person who was not truly alive. I was zombie. I was destroyed.
In about 2 more weeks, he started up. He wrote 10 page hand written letters, campaigned my mom, showed up at the house, I would never answer the door, the locks were changed: THEY NEVER HAD SEX.
He had friends persuade me they never had sex. He sold me this line for 9 months, with absolute conviction, passion, even anger! THEY NEVER HAD SEX. He never stopped selling me this line, begging for forgiveness. They were living in a motel room together, but never had sex. She was a known whore, who would party for days, but they never had sex.
I even called this girl’s mother (the shame of it now) and I remember the pity in her voice when I asked if she believed they had NOT had sex. She said, I would be very surprised if they didn’t. I know my daughter.
After 9 months , I relented. I let him come over, but not move back in. I brought it up everyday. I raged about it about everyday. I was a terrier with a chew toy. He never changed his story. Never once did he admit he had sex with this KNOWN whore. That he lived with for 2 weeks.
I wanted to believe it on such a deep level. We lasted 4 more months. After a series of blow outs over him spending $50,000 of business funds in two months, with nothing to show for it, and women calling his cell…..he was back living with another random woman. That very night.
A different one, who was now 20 years younger than he, and known to jump from man to man…whoever had the best goodies and who ever wanted to party all night.
The very night I kicked him out….he slept with her at a house he had already been working on- in secret. He had been talking with her for months.
She had placed some type of death metal ring tone on his cell phone (He is 50, she is 29). I remember saying, That cell phone ring sounds like a nervous breakdown. And he had said:
Do you want me to put classical music on it? With a smug smile. I imagine…they had been making fun of me…the old fogey who goes to the community symphony. It was a jab. The old fogey that gets the taxes paid, made sure he went to the cardiologist, took his beta blocker because he had a heart attack years ago……that old bitch? (I am 45!!!)
He again, in his final grand gesture, when I had pulled the plug forever, he shouted: We never had sex! But he admitted to a “couple of blow jobs”.
I have not seen him since. He never contacts me. Only legal communications. He rolls over on everything and has never peeped about any money issues. He is as generous as Midas, and always has been. (That is a mindfuck).
It is like we never existed. I have boxes and boxes of love letters & cards he wrote me RIGHT BEFORE ALL OF THIS HAPPENED. Not the apology letters. Just love letters. Jewelry. Little notes. Days before he abandoned me.
The closest I got to an apology was one year ago, and he said, in a 4AM phone call:
“How would someone go about fixing something like this?”
Butterbean
Vast hugs to you. There are no words to describe what he has done to you but I get it. I felt it all the way through reading your post. I read it several times. I am so so sorry that you suffered such appalling abuse. I sincerely hope that your life will get so much better. I wish I could say more to help but I can’t think of anything. I’m not too great myself lately but really I wish much happiness for you and so many others here. ❤
Capricorn, Yes, thank you so much for your compassion! It is truly….the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I try to explain to people that this really happened. I had no idea…..and I am not THAT dumb. I was just re-reading it myself…and it still is….unbelievable. This was two years ago. And I still don’t know how to process it, or categorize it. Label it?
Of course, I left out all sorts of little horror shows AFTER the big drop kick..but that first one….he just left me. One minute…..The Love Story of the Ages…next minute….I don’t exist.
I can’t even process all this. I’m still stuck just trying to get to final divorce. The closer I get the slower it goes. He said all the usual lies and didn’t have to make up much as he was working abroad. This is just making me think about all the other weird stuff he said over the last 23years.
I’m beginning to get that oh shit feeling.
More hugs to you. Reading your story piece by piece just brings out the full horror of it all. ❤
Does he accept the divorce or does he try to talk you out of it?
Cap, I had the same problem. Couldn’t get him to agree to terms.
About that time, I happened to be attending a seminar by a very well-regarded professional negotiator.
He said that if you can’t reach agreement with someone it is often because they are looking for something more intangible that they want out of the deal.
That stuck in my head. So I started thinking. The only thing I had solely under my name was a Volkswagen Tiguan.
I left the country and came back to the US because after a year of unsuccessfully trying to negotiate a financial settlement, I felt I could no longer put my new life on hold while waiting for that to happen.
So when I left for the US, I specifically left my car with a close friend so he couldn’t get his hands on it.
After hearing that guy’s talk about intangibles, I thought to myself that he never liked my car nor wanted to drive it, so surely it couldn’t be something that simple that he wanted. Besides, he had his own car.
Still, one day I sent instructions that if he would accept the previous terms, I would throw in my car. I was out of the country and it would have been a big pain to try to arrange to sell it anyway, so I figured it was worth a try.
He snapped it up and took the deal immediately.
I was gobsmacked for awhile. I couldn’t believe that that negotiator was right and that something so simple made the difference. It wasn’t until about 6 months later that it slowly dawned on me that it wasn’t the car he wanted, it was the control.
Being the narc that he is, he needed to feel like he had complete control over the situation and that he was the one winning. I know he didn’t care about actually having the car, but he cared very much about winning, and perhaps about feeling that he’d taken something away from me that was important to me, since I had been so careful not to let him have the one thing we didn’t own jointly.
The kicker, of course, was that I didn’t give a crap about that car, it was actually a pain figuring out what I was going to do with it from afar to get rid of it. So in the end, the joke was on him!
I got a little off topic there but my point was going to be that after nearly 2 years of negotiation, it turns out all I had to do was something symbolic to make him feel like he was winning, and Voila! One day I woke up and I was free. And it felt SO good.
Nothing does more for your emotional state than becoming financially free of your cheater. I hope all of us get there quickly, but as a rule of thumb, find some way to make them think they are getting one over on you. It does the trick.
It reminds me of the movie “First Wives Club” Where Goldie Hawn sells hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of her joint possessions and gives her stbx half of the proceeds, as ordered by the court. Only she sells them to her best friend for $1.
When she goes to give him his half, he gives her the obvious look on receiving 50 cents, so she says, “oh fine! Just take it all!” And plops 2 more quarters down on his desk! Classic.
This is the most bizarre and disturbing discard story. There is truly some human element missing in him.
Exactly the same here. One day he was reading Neruda love poems to me, as he had done for decades and literally in love with a gold digger he had just met on an elevator the next. Told the kids he had always hated them, me, our family, his life.
After he left to be with her– they are still living together – he pays all her expenses– and he still tries to text me all day long “what are you doing, how are you, etc etc ad naseum …. all while battling me on everything in the divorce.
Classic sociopath
I’m so sorry BUtterbean
Butterbean, I read it all, and OMG! When you try to explain this to normal people, they think you have to make this shit up! My friends all say I should write a book, but they also think no one would believe it all actually happened. I barely believe it myself, like a bad dream, 7 years worth.
This shows that I sometimes read very shallow things (after the 1st DDay) but if you read Denise Richardson’s autobiography, she writes about some things just like this, just in a very sanitized, G rated manner with Mr. Sheen.
We were Sheened. Your super verb trick.
Yes…people who have not experienced it cannot understand. I listen to my best friend get miffed when her faithful and kind husband does not answer the phone BECAUSE HE IS WORKING. So she can buy organic cheeses that cost $22 an ounce and take yoga everyday.
This was the slap I need across my face because I actually had picked out the stationary to WRITE THIS MOFO A LETTER last night. A “why did you do this letter”….. 🙁
Butterbean,
I felt quite sick reading your story – seriously got that shaky feeling. It’s horrific and I’m sure your brain fractured a bit as you trudged through it all. Jesus. I’m not sure how far you are out from Dday but I do hope you have a good therapist. What you went through is so horrific it’s akin to waking up on Mars – nothing is as it seems. Glad you didn’t write to him – he’s a narc/sociopath so you will NEVER get anywhere with him. NEVER. Please be kind and easy on yourself and please please get a good therapist so you can process the unprocessable. ((Hugs))
Oh, Butterbean, that is awful. The shock of going from a (seemingly) fully-loving relationship to two weeks of abandonment must have been gut-wrenching. I hope his next prescription of beta-blockers are placebo sugar pills.
Kathleen and Tempest- Just having two smart, kind people validate makes me feel better! To validate that it was as horrific as I knew it was truly does make me it easier to choke down.
I “actually” thought I was going to die.
In the interest of passing on this support, I am sending a card, and I humbly ask all of us chumps to send positive vibes to a Shazetta Jackson- Pickett (google her) in Dallas, Texas.
She went to confront her cheating husband at his job and another woman was there when she went to talk with him. She lost it and shot him dead.
*In no way I am condoning murder but…there for the Grace of Any Loving Spirt go I.
I am no better than her. I just don’t own a gun. She is stuck in the county jail. She has no criminal record.
I have already researched how to send her a care package in there, if she can’t get out soon.
I don’t know the specific facts…I recognize the look in her eye of her booking photo. Utter devastation. Now compounded by 1,000,000.
Even if they’d never had sex, what they never seem to grasp is that DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER.
For me, it wasn’t really about the sex itself. It was about the lying, the disregard for causing me pain, the effect it had on our marriage, the betrayal of trust, and oh yeah, did I mention the lying? Not going “all the way” does not make it okay.
MightyE, I think about how many times he saw my number pop up, and the pleading frantic messages I left….that he ignored. I filled up his VM. He was unmoved. I begged/groveled/wailed for him to respond- sending texts like: If you ever loved me, PLEASE answer!
He knew I was beyond wild…did not care. To be reduced to that. My dignity was in Outer Mongolia. That is partly why the woman above Shazetta leapt out at me. What if I had lost my mind and driven back the three hours and I did have a gun? And I saw him nuzzling this whore? As I lost my mind? I don’t know what would have happened.
A Very Big Bad Thing, most likely.
And then, when my male friend did the fake call….I could hear him, that voice I loved-
Goofing around the grocery store with another woman. Light as puff pastry. Happy! Relaxed! Joking. Flirting.
We were not in a fight. We were not angry. I expected him home that night or the next day. Blindsided by a Mack Truck.
As you said “disregard of causing me pain.” I could not treat a stranger that way. I could not ignore the pain of a moth in that manner.
I had not dwelled on this day for a while and it is good medicine I did. I was starting to spackle because I am so very much alone. My boys board at their school so I am “alone” except for my fur ball gang.
My stbx left us and our fur ball gang. My fur ball gang of 2 big labrador retrievers. My first dogs. My babies. Over a year and divorce trudging along. Stbx threatens to have our child and dogs go live with him. Right. He doesn’t give a rats ass about them. They’re pawns to use to try and manipulate me. Creep.
Unlike you, I had some inkling that things had changed with Jackass; we’d had a fight about his distant behavior, about him not finishing some projects he had started. But when his father died, I felt so bad for him, even though it became clear that he didn’t want my companionship or comfort. None of it made sense to me, and like you, I called and texted and sent sweet photos. And when he did occasionally reply, it was all about why he was “so busy.” Then I found out about the married MOW, who lived right around the corner from his parents’ house, where he was staying. How convenient.
Amen!
This. A wise lady once said something along the lines of love, without trust, is unsustainable.
I think I have the word “sucker” written in flames across my forehead because it’s 3 years past DDay and let’s be honest, I have had a DDay everyday since that first one but have spackled like a champion! I’ll be divorcing in May. The fun thing about my cheater is that he just keeps getting weirder and weirder. The latest #facepalm wake up call came in December when he said that he was going on a mini man-cation all by himself to a city just south of where we live. When he came back, he told me that he ended up going to Las Vegas. He had slept in the car for 2 nights. He wouldn’t account for anything else he did. He was gone for 2 1/2 days. Said he didn’t even eat!
When I told my parents and some of my coworkers EVERY single one of them were pretty shocked – probably because a) that is some mighty weird behavior b) REALLY? ALL by himself? You’re sure about that? c) You REALLY believe that?
Guess what? He did it again just last week for Spring Break.
Thank goodness I’ve scraped out the bottom of the barrel of spackle and have none left to put over this relationship!
Sewing, I also had the biggest bucket of spackle they sell at Costco. But when you hit the bottom, you’re DONE! Glad to hear you’re on your way out of the relationship with this person who disrespects you so terribly.
I haven’t written in 2 years but still read you. i bet i can top off your stories. now ex for 4.5 years was deployed to Italy. Military paid for his food, extras and housing in apartment while there. His pay cheque went with him for 5 months. we stayed in base housing and my food, extras was paid by me from part time work.
Got a call one night from him saying that I am going to notice a charge on our credit card and not to worry . Story was that he needed a break from the stress of work and went to Rome for a break. while there he met a group of american soldiers (we are Canadian) and their girlfriends while having dinner and they invited him to come drinking. Him being smart asked the waiter how much per drink. Waiter said 50 lire a normal rate for Rome so they started buying lots of rounds. Ex was buying for his new friends too. Several rounds on him. Anyway at the end of the night the waiter brought the bill with a price per drink of 50,000 lire. Words were exchanged with the waiter and cops were called after a fist fight between the soldiers and the waiter. The cop said pay up or go to jail. Ex was convinced that the cop and waiter were in it together running the scam. Ex knew Italian and swears that the waiter said 50. Those rounds of drinks cost me $700 a lot of money back then especially when my daughter and I were living off of lunch meat and mac/cheese. Exaggerated and outlandish stories were how he covered his tracks. Somebody had a great time that night and it sure as shit wasn’t me.
It was Sunday morning and I was making a fancy brunch for STBX and the kids. I was making an extra special version for him, just the way he liked it. He told me he couldn’t stay for breakfast because he was going flying. He had to go then because he hadn’t gotten the airplane in the air for a while and it needs to be flown to keep it in good working order. The airport was about 9 miles from our home. About an hour after he left for the airport we had a major thunderstorm followed by off and on rain/thunderstorms that ended up lasting the rest of the day. I called him and said that since it was storming and he obviously couldn’t fly he should come home and have breakfast with his family. His response “it isn’t raining here”. I believed it because I wanted to.
You believed it because you were a healthy, trusting spouse. Cheating is so insidious because it exploits what is healthy in a relationship.
I found a hairpin, not mine, on the floor of my boyfriend’s bedroom. He told me that it must have been the cleaning lady’s. First, he had never said anything before about having a cleaning lady, and second — if it belonged to the cleaning lady, she couldn’t have been there to clean. The room, and his house, looked like they hadn’t been cleaned in months.
If you’d asked me at the time — I would have told you that I believed that the cleaning lady had lost a hairpin while cleaning the room. And yet, after that, I just had strong feelings of anxiety, of doom. I knew that he was cheating, but my conscious mind was just denying, denying, denying!
“That’s not a hickey on my chest! It’s a freckle!” he said while quickly throwing on a shirt.
So many batches being run….like every day for two months. Never in his 25 years has this happened before, and he never had to physically be there for at least ten years. First he had to stay late. Then stay late and go back in around 8, coming home at 10 then 11 then 1am then not at all.
When he started staying out all night he spent a few nights at his good friend Dave’s apartment which was apparently a few blocks from work. It’s all good – Dave has the worlds most comfy couch ever. When I suggested that I start picking him up from work (cause he was too tired to drive home, thus sleeping at Dave’s) the story changed to the absolute most ridiculous piece of bull shit ever uttered by a cheater. Ready?
“That’s OK. They have set up a COT IN THE MAINFRAME ROOM FOR ME TO SLEEP ON. IT IS REALLY NICE IN THERE, THE HUM OF THE MAINFRAME IS VERY RELAXING”
**dropping my mic**
OMG! Years back I was engaged to this guy, he turned out to be a complete sociopath. One story (out of many) was he was down in the islands and before he flew back up he called to tell me that he had been in the hospital. “Almost died KB22, a buoy snapped in the water, hit my neck and now I have a hematoma on my neck”. So I picked him up at the airport and he was sporting a very large hickey on his neck that was supposed to be a hematoma. I joked that it looked like a hickey (yup I was a complete moron & had bought the story) and he became very upset and said it was no joking matter, as he could’ve died ya know. Anyhoo, long story short, his island girlfriend shows up in the US pregnant a few weeks later. Of course by then his friend who was with him down in the islands had informed me of my fiancees “activities” down in the islands as he figured there was no way, just no way I could have possibly bought the “hematoma” story. This was years ago and the last time I saw him was a photo of his mugshot online. Definitely dodged a bullet.
*facepalm* but I know I would have believed it too! And I work in IT!
One day me and my daughter went shopping borrowed the ex’s truck, he had just came back from a trip to Texas he’s a truck driver. So we end up shopping all day so needed a rope so looked under the back seat low and behold a bag with 3 womens to shirts from Texas size Med well I guess there were not me for I wear a large. I took them in the house never told him told my daughter to say nothing. A day later my daughter gets a text from the ex if she seen the tshirts under the seat and does your mother know. She told him ask my mom. She emailed me back and told me I said nothing 2 days later he knew I knew about it. I called him out I said if you want to know something ask me I said who were they for her he said oh the waitress at the restaurant she had asked him to pick her some up wow that funny Stef has a boyfriend, I said ok I ‘ll call her now and ask her he got angry and said what you don’t trust me etc all bullshit. Well never gave him his t shirts they went in the trash found out after he left for the skank he was cheating on me with they were for her what a lying piece of shit they are, he was waiting to have the skank hooked before he moved out. He wanted his tshirt he said it costed him some money wow together for 15 yrs and he bitched I took hi tshirts away fucker………..
Mine was trying to buy laboapladty surgery for his 19 year old who’re in Thailand when I caught him in the act.
I wish I were kidding.
At least I stopped that from happening too, before I made my exit.
For about 2 months, I was living in total confusion, I knew something was not right, he was acting really strange, he couldn’t sleep, he was irritated all the time, and I couldn’t do anything right.
First he told me – the day before my birthday, that he did not love me. I was pathetic, I cried and I didn’t know what to do.
About two months later, after many odd things, after him deleting text messages to his SKANK co-worker (who befriended me) – He finally admitted that he was “In luuuuuve with Skank” and of course I asked if they had sex already? No, of course not, he was just starting to feel that way about her, she had told him she was in luuve with him a few months before, but no – NO SEX.
And I believed him. I believed him for one year! I tried to save the marriage – because of this LIE! For one whole year I believed this!
It was not until, she went back to her husband. Only after this, did the EX tell me “the truth” – they had been having a physical affair for 3 years.
For 3 years – this skank was in my house, seating at my family dinner table, sometimes with her husband, and the whole time – this skank was fucking my husband, and pretending to be my friend!
Fuckers!
I’m so sorry. 🙁
Mine ruined my birthday, too. I was in denial about the affair before then, and then D-Day came just days before my 40th. That’s when I had full, undeniable evidence.
This was just a couple of days after he had decided that our marriage was too “broken” to fix and that he was moving out. A few months earlier, right up until ILYBINILWY, I thought things were fine.
I still feel silly when I think “you ruined my birthday!” But it does add an extra level of uncaring, especially when he was still trying to convince me that he thought of me as a lifelong friend.
Our divorce will be finalized before my next birthday. It feels like a milestone that I can’t wait to cross.
I don’t know how far along you are post-split, but I wish you many happy birthdays surrounded by meaningful people who really truly care for you!
My now ex ruined my birthday too. Had me served with divorce papers day before birthday. The previous birthday was ruined when my mom died of a heart attack 2 weeks before. This past year, my dog died the week before my birthday. My birthday sucks.
My Ex traveled a lot for work, especially to Hong Kong a couple times a month. He was taking out large amounts of cash while there. I asked him about it and he said,”Hong Kong is really expensive. I am spending most of it on food. A hamburger costs like $50.00!” I suggested using the credit card so at least points would be accumulated. Him: “Cash is just easier.”
I believed him for six months after spending thousands of dollars on “hamburgers.” I laugh now because it’s hard to believe I was that gullible.
My life is so much better with that POS gone. He can now go buy all the “hamburgers” he wants…just after he send me my alimony payment first 🙂
Mine stole $125k in small ATM withdrawals from our accounts and deposited the cash in Thai bank accounts where he used it to buy Thai whores and to build a house for his 16 year old Thai girlfriend’s parents.
What a creep. They are a special kind of creepy. I saw an old picture of my stbx on my Facebook with his big belly hanging out at the river – as I deleted the picture I thought how his 24 yo gf is gonna take him to the cleaners. They’re a special kind of creepy stupid.
Aren’t they, though?
I can remember going to Thailand with my ex and seeing all these creepy old fat men lying around the pool with what looked like 16 year old prostitutes. I thought to myself how pathetic all these guys were and how they would all end up old and alone while whatever slut who they happen to be with once they are old enough to be incapacitated will totally take them to the cleaners, while they sit in a tiny room soiling themselves and die lonely deaths.
I didn’t realize at the time that he was one of those pathetic guys. And that scenario will be his karma. Which at least makes me happy, because that’s the end these creeps deserve.
Dances, I know it does not matter, because we are analyzing a shit ball, but I wonder if he actually believes any Thai woman wants to be with him for love? Thai people are xenophobic….they like their own kind very much. They see whites as big tubs of goo. Thai women and Thai lady boys only sees whites as ATMs.
Do you think deep down he knows he is being played, or is he so delusional he believes that this is “love”?
Well, he’s a big, fat narcissist, and they are decidedly delusional, so anything is possible.
But yes, with Thai girls it’s all about what status they can gain, and what designer goods they can get, by coupling up with a big, fat, sugar daddy, and I think that’s common knowledge, so it would be hard to delude yourself.
I do know from e-mails that he wrote to his creepy buddies that he believed his 19 year old Australian girlfriend was really in love with him… and he was all excited and happy about that sparkle…
So it was amusing to find the letter she wrote to her bodybuilder boyfriend about how she had a sucker who was going to buy her a car. So while he may have believed that was “wuv”, I would have loved to have seen his face when he saw that e-mail, and I often wonder what lies he told himself to continue his delusions. It would have been amusing.
It does open your eyes, though. One of my bosses at work loves Thailand… so much that he is going there for a month “to work”. He’s got that same MO they all have, a middle aged, married, balding loser, and I have no respect for the guy because I know what he’s going there for., and it ain’t work. I wish I knew his wife, so I could warn her, but I don’t.
There are too many.
The biggest one? Believing that he loved me.
That is heart breaking.
Mine completely concealed his prostitute use for 15 years.. I had absolutely no idea until accidently saw a text. I was in denial for 5 years,, but on alert and checking phone.. Red flag when he decided to spend the night at a hotel near the airport the night before an early flight out.
His excuse, I need to get a good nights sleep.
Sure enough, had a visit from a prostitute. This was revealed in disclosure ( minimum disclosure).
Now 4 months from dday , NC unless necessary as lawyers are working on separation agreement. Waking up to a new normal every day, some day are good some not.
Unfortunately I trusted x so much I never questioned anything but the day he ran away from home he left ten thousand dollar money wrappers I my night stand. When I questioned him later about how much money he had been hiding he said it was only a couple thousand dollars. The bank gave him the ten thousand dollar money wrappers because they were out of the smaller denomination ones.
Oh my gosh, this is so triggering and humiliating, but I do always appreciate some absurdity with my morning latte (extra shot of espresso, because life is hard and anxiety needs more than fume). Plus, it’s therapeutic to get these things down in black and white, lest I ever forget.
Pre DDay:
–“I can’t wear my wedding ring because I injured my hand playing softball.” That went on for maybe the first 10 years until he was in a business setting where his higher ups all wore their rings, and he figured out that the unhappy married guy routine makes for excellent chick bait.
–After I discovered hotel charges near his place of work: “Those were for visiting consultants. You are ridiculously paranoid and violating my privacy. You need help.”
–Doctor bill for STD testing and Z-Pak after a trip to Vegas with the boys: “I masturbated with hand lotion and must have gotten some in my urethra because I had a lot of irritation and was too embarrassed to tell you.” No, did not believe that. Had his internet history of searching for STD’s that matched his symptoms, had the bill, know that testing for gonorrhea, chlamydia, and HIV do not follow from a torrid encounter with a tiny bottle of hotel hand lotion.
–His explanation for not having sex with me in the weeks that followed, as symptoms persisted and more treatments were attempted: “In many ways, it’s because I love you.” That’s far and away his most stunning lie, in my estimation. Perfectly encapsulates his narcissism.
–Whole big bunches of the usual: working late, working out, working for us, lunch meeting, dinner meeting, golf outing, business trip, “Everything I do is for us, and you should be grateful.” Oh, the nights I stood around in cute outfits, watched meals grow cold, worried about whether his car was in a ditch somewhere. Poor cute and youthful me, so desperately hopeful and sincere.
–“We are just friends.”
–“I am so sorry.”
Post DDay:
–“I will do anything at all to get you back.” Except, you know, stop living with the mistress, stop lying all the time, tell anything even remotely related to the truth.
–“I was sexually abused from age 5-14. I have been a compulsive liar ever since. I am in therapy. I want to change and lead a genuine life.” But the ages on that shift, the therapy never happened, the only discernible change was the shift toward entirely blaming me for his actions. Then came the suggestion that I was not a good partner. He wanted what his parents had. Well, sure, guess I should have been the kind of mom who only thought about her next party and her next drink so sexual abuse of her child could proceed unencumbered for years. Therapist friend noted that whether the abuse happened or not, this was just a manipulation, start to finish.
–“I never said one bad word about you.” Right, except for that whole deal about being desperately unhappy and trapped in a long dead marriage, and the subsequent shift of all blame to my shoulders. Yup, guess I came out smelling like a rose, but for those few little details.
Oh, endless more. But, this is why the narcissism education has been key, and freeing.
Oh, a fave: “I tried really hard not to hurt you and the kids, and I was tortured with guilt the entire time.” Hah. Right. Never had a shred of fun with it. Awesome. I feel so much better knowing that he fucked around with her for who knows how many years–anywhere from 4-8–but didn’t actually enjoy it at all.
It’s all so horrible, but this is so hilarious:
” know that testing for gonorrhea, chlamydia, and HIV do not follow from a torrid encounter with a tiny bottle of hotel hand lotion.”
Trigger: Scuzzy Soul Sucker was sick. A nurse took me aside at the ER, a male nurse, and said, that green discharge oozing out of his penis….that is Gonorrhea.
I took him by the arm and made him say it to Scuzzy. Scuzzy looked at the nurse and said:
“You are fucking crazy. Don’t tell my wife that crazy shit or you and I will have problems-outside.”
The male nurse was unafraid & unfazed, ignored Scuzzy, looked at me and said: “Believe me. It’s gonorrhea.”
I love that nurse. I love him. Thank God for people like him!
I did, too! I wanted to be married to him…NOT Scuzzy. Brave and honest, hardworking.
Scuzzy: cowardly, sociopathic and lazy.
Cashmere,
You’ve been through hell but still manage to be funny. The “torrid encounter”…I couldn’t stop laughing.
Laughing heals – thanks!
Oh Cashmere. Just ugh.
I forgot i got the wedding ring excuse, too. Oh it’s hurting my finger with all the writing and typing I do at work.
And then there was an STD accident where he went to get checked, and he told me oh they said “I might have gonnorhea, but they’re crazy. If I do have it I got it from the toilet seat. I’ll just go to another doctor later.” And he never did. I dont know how I bought that lie.
Totally forgot mine was never willing to wear a wedding ring. Said he didn’t like having rings in his fingers, it felt funny.
But he didn’t have a problem wearing an elephant hair ring on his pinkie finger probably given to him by one of his Thai whores.
Luckily I managed to escape STDs. D-Day was 4 years ago this August, I was tested for everything just after D-Day and again since. Clean. Thank heaven.
Hope he subsequently contracted some nice ones, though. Karma. I’m sure he did, but NC so will never know. I just assume it and smile.
Sorry you’re having anxiety again today; it’s a constant companion for months, I’m afraid.
I heard many of the same lies as you. Thank goodness we learn to pay attention to actions.
The willingness to gaslight to the point where I actually did seek treatment for depression is quite something, in retrospect. Imagine choosing to let someone take on that burden rather than just telling the truth. The swath of destruction in his wake is breathtaking.
Cashmere–I was flabbergasted by my X’s willingness to gaslight, too, to the point of horrific harm to me.
I now know he was in yet another affair for at least the last 7 months of the marriage. The devalue and subtle emotional abuse were horrific. I was already depressed because of 3 years of poor treatment, but he ramped up the abuse. Every month, I would pull him aside and say, “I don’t want to be married to you anymore.” In the past, he had begged for one more chance to change, please don’t leave me….but this time he merely said, “If we divorce, we won’t be able to send oldest daughter to her out-of-state university.” He knew I REALLY wanted her to go to that university, and she really wanted to go. So I would turn around and shut up.
Turns out he can afford to pay her tuition after the divorce (and buy himself a million dollar mansion overlooking the lake). During those 7 months, I was scratching myself to the point of bleeding because of the emotional abuse and helplessness that I could not escape. He was willing to let me self-harm, and slide into a very depressed state (even though he had found twu wuv again). Why? so he didn’t have to give me half of the marital assets or pay child support for our youngest daughter.
They are so cold. So many situations here depict cruelly how they just didn’t give a shit about us–we were useful for a while, but are not ‘human’ to them. They prefer their creature comforts, their retirement accounts, and their deception, even when they can see it is killing us. Monsters.
My skin also erupted in rashes and nightmare itching as a response to abuse and the stress of finding out everything was an illusion. I went to four dermatologists. Nothing helped. From Atarax to creams with topical steroids.
I finally saw a Nurse Practitioner, and she said, “What is going on?” I burst into tears and told her. She rubbed me on the back and truly listened. She prescribed ativan and some type of anti depressant.
She said that when you are subjected to abnormal fight and flight surges…your body produces too much adrenaline and cortisol and histamines. Therefore, the itching where you scratch until you bleed.
He was literally making you sick. We are only supposed to feel those frantic panicked feeling once in a while- to save our lives. Run from a dinosaur, lift a car off a child, run from an attacker.
Not daily. Your body knew you were in big trouble, and it was screaming….Run! Get away from this dangerous person. Systems overload!
The skin literally turns into a *red flag*.
I’m sorry, Butterbean, that you suffered stress-related symptoms from your jackass. I had physical symptoms and panic attacks the last few years of the marriage from his emotional abuse (and devalue during affairs, I now know). But the scratching myself was very deliberate–I was in profound pain, and he was keeping my daughter’s education as the bargaining chip over me to maintain his family-man facade. I was a hostage, because he knew I would do ANYthing for my children, including stay with him.
I mention it here not for sympathy, as I am many years past the pain & relieved to be free of Hannibal Lecher, but to assuage other chumps who have shame over self-harming. It is not a sign of weakness, or profound mental illness. I have always been psychologically strong, but was in a situation where I was helpless to extract myself without causing grave damage to my children. The pain had no where else to go.
Omg!
For the last 5 years with X my back itched so bad I had to use a fork to scratch it. No doctor ever had any explanation!
Since I kicked X to the curb, no itching!
OMFG
“Just going for a couple beers with the lads after work.” (oozes home at 3 a.m.)
“This theatrical group will be a great experience for Kiddo” (and means I can fuck Schmoopie while you are taking her there and back. Every Sunday for five years.)
“I had to get two new tires for the car, so I took 600 cash out of the joint account” (New tires never appeared but the 600 went toward Schmoopie’s brother bail on a cocaine bust)
“I won’t jerk you around about money or Kiddo. I want to be friends and adults.” (Proceeds to drag settlement out in his favor for two years, sells property that would now be putting her through college if we had kept it rented out, and pays child support according to the rules in HIS country, not where Kiddo lives-about 20% what it should be, refuses to say what if anything he will contribute to college, and is swooping in for all the glory at graduation in June)
If you know the lies, then you know the truth-and the truth is, for me….Meh. It is past. He will no doubt lie, gaslight, cheat and steal the rest of his days. Kiddo is fine, I am fine.
Love to all Chump Nation
It will all bite him in the ass at some point.
I just said that ina out above.
At most, you can just imagine the karma that will set in on him, and smile.
Glad he’s out of your life! Congrats! Good job!
Right back atcha, Dances. Isn’t it fun to have STD testing after two decades of monogamy?
“I have SUCH a stomachache; my ass is going to explode. I’m going to go down to the half-bath so I don’t disturb you and you can have the bathroom up here if you need it. I’d stink-bomb you out as soon as the door opens anyway.” He took his phone with him to play games on…
It was a hot summer night. Humid as hell and I was breastfeeding our newborn, praying my colicky-screaming 1 year old wouldn’t wake up, and thanking God that I had such a great, easy 2 year old. The fan was BLASTING on us because of the skin-to-skin of b’feeding, coupled with humidity. The fan was loud and the only noise I could hear. I did eventually go downstairs and saw the bathroom door shut, with the fan and light on. Poor guy was still there, an hour later.
But he actually wasn’t. He’d gotten a booty-call from Jennifer Assface – a former co-worker’s ex-gf – and had met up with her in the park behind our townhouse. They got busy on the benches by the pond, in the dugout, in the soccer field where we all went to play as a family and had frequent picnics. He’d left the bathroom like he was still in it and later said he would have told me he’d just “taken an easygoing walk” in case I’d actually opened the door and not found him there.
He was shitting alright… all over the places where, until D-day, I had some of my most favorite memories of our children and family.
It is scarier than the Exorcist, and I am not kidding. Wow. He even got into details about his gastro intestinal distress.
This level of lying is beyond anything I knew about when I was growing up and even in all stages of college. As John Lennon said, “Nobody told me there’d be days like these.”
We have to teach our children about these no holds barred, life destroying liars.
You wouldn’t believe the amount of denial and spackle I did even before then.
When I first got together with him, he wouldn’t sleep with me for months… said he actually cared about me and didn’t want to ruin it with sex too soon.(Nope – already had a child, dodging being served by changing jobs and subleasing frequently and got a friend’s roommate pregnant 3 days after we first had had sex, finally. He’d been sleeping with her months before and months after.)
First Baby Mama didn’t want to deal with him but his version is that they’d been in a meaningful relationship but she’d decided she was a lesbian and now “just an angry woman scorned.” He didn’t even know if the baby was actually his – she’d just wanted a baby – and if he was really the father, she would have had him served. (He was changing jobs/roommates.)
Second Baby Mama reached out to him. He didn’t tell me until we were engaged (proposed in front of his entire family, out of state, the first time I was meeting them) and two months later, my patch bc had failed and *I* was pregnant. He told me when she was due… which was two months later. I fell into “it’s not the baby’s fault” and didn’t do the math. He said it was just before we’d gotten together and unfortunate. Catastrophic… he wouldn’t blame me if I left him. I was actually so supportive that the mother told me, to my face, that she “couldn’t bear their son – being without a father – to have such a good step-mother.” She gave up child support in order to have full custody.
When I married him, he was still married. I just didn’t know until after we were married. Thankfully, she’d gotten a divorce in her own country, to remarry… plausible deniability. I didn’t want MY OWN HUSBAND in jail for immature mistakes/laziness he’d made in a “former life.”
That ex had also “ruined his credit.” I fixed it. To perfection. I got him better and better jobs… and higher and higher calibers of ho-workers, apparently.
He applied for jobs I asked him to apply for… but they were always denied.
Then I started applying to them- polishing his resume to be relevant to each posting – and *this is where, in retrospect, shit.gets.real* taking the personality tests.
Because the Cheater has “never tested well and gets anxious.”
(Or because he’s a sociopath and the tests told potential employers that. With consistency.)
And when he found out *I* was pregnant? His third child in 2 years? He told me to have an abortion or leave (after I’d just paid out a lease – coincidentally, the same complex as first baby mama, across town, and knew her and baby by sight – in order to move in with him at his insistence) and I LAUGHED and said no to both options. I excused his callousness to being shocked by how quickly he’d gotten such “bad luck” as to impregnate at least 3 women within 2 years of being in a new city. Poor guy didn’t know what Fountain of Fertility awaited him! But I was his FIANCEE and the only Baby Mama his family had even known about, much less met… I MATTERED.
Nope. They knew about the others and had met first baby mama. They didn’t like her. They liked me… so they went along with whatever lies I’d been told so I’d stay around… because I was “good for him and he’s so lucky to have me that they’ll disown him if he ever breaks up with me.”
There’s disorder for you: His family loved me so much that they all lied to me so I’d stay with him and keep him appearing proper and normal.
Thanks, Fam.
Strange days indeed!
So many… but the one on the top of my mind was him paying the OW cell phone bill. He said his “friend/co-worker” didn’t have a bank account and needed to pay his bill so he let him borrow his card and that he would give him the cash. OW was co-worker too btw but I didn’t know that she even existed or was a more-than-friend, and X said it was a he co-worker. Anyways, I said okay then. I did question and said, “Alright, but how does he cash his check then?”. At the liquor store he told me. Fair enough i thought. Well that was happening a couple times; then stopped for like 2 months, until recently when it said STBX bank card got declined for the same phone bill. I asked why was your card declined for Sprint? And he’s like oh my friend must have added it to his account, not sure, let me ask. I guess he didn’t think I’ll ask or this is the best he could come up with when I asked him so what happened, he said “Oh apparently it was automatic, since my card was saved to his account for some reason but he called already and told them to remove my card.” And I believed it.
Then the I never slept with her line, even though a sexual text message, undies later popped up in his car, there was mysterious hair in the car I would honestly believe was mine even though it was lighter shades, and he would clean his genitals after sex the last couple times with me when he had never done it before.
We never used condoms but had at some point bought some. Well he was looking for some one day and he’s like “where are all the condoms we bought”. I asked for what, he said “oh so I can give them to my co-worker. he’s a young kid i told him he needed to use protection since he dates a lot of girls”. I believed it and said “oh well we threw them out remember? He can go to store and buy some though. You’re so thoughtful.” He still kept looking and was like, “well just worry about him, he’s a young kid.”
Oh and let’s not forget the reasons for switching phones so often or staying up later then usual when he was usually asleep early. His excuses where oh I have fat fingers I need a bigger screen. Or I got tired of this phone that’s why I switched. And his excuse for being up late, just marking my emails as read like you told me to do.
I don’t know how i believed so many lies. It’s been a month since he abandoned me for the OW. Little by little I see the lies, and i feel dumb for believing said lies. I just have to remember he said he didn’t love me, wanted me out of his life, had sex with me because hes a guy and wasn’t going to say no, and that it was all a lie & all my fault, which i know it wasn’t. Pain is still there but I know in time it will pass.
I set a trap by remaking the bed completely different. He had whore over for an overnight and she remade the bed obviously and completely different. He denied and made me feel like I was the crazy one.
He told me he was golfing and fishing – was with her.
He told me when he was trying to push the open marriage that he was going to visit her and sleep on her couch. Yea right.
Glad he is my X
If his lips were moving he was lying. I could not even begin to tell you how many. It was like being stabbed to death with a small pocket knife. Nothing big, just tons of small lies. One after the other. Never big enough to get caught, always small enough to undermine my sanity.
My cheating devil walked with a halo. Arrrrrgggg…the double heart surgery pacemaker porn addicted prostitute predator massage parlor seeker exhibitionist poor me passive aggressive “Trust” attorney would tell me, “I have a sister, I’m not interested in porn like XXX (his best fiend)!”
Thanks for the reminder, CL. Whenever my memory starts to fade, I come here to keep me on track. Sorry, I have to go bleach myself. Again.
That he could not answer the phone at work when he was “working late” after 11pm becuase he was in the “secure conference room”…. until midnight.
That he’d gotten home at 5am because he took a “wrong turn on the highway”.
That he regularly got home at 3am because he “stopped at Dunkin’s for some coffee” on the way home from “having a few with the guys”
His Friday night flight home was canceled due to thunderstorms.
His Friday night flight home was canceled due to mechanical failure.
That he regularly had to stay over Friday nights AND even Saturday nights while on business trips to Alabama (we lived in MA at the time) because he was “tired” and “needed to rest” and it was “a hassle to fly home on Friday nights”)…. this was of course after I started checking to se if the flights had really be cancelled due to weather or mechanical failure.
I got an alert from our bank: “$5000 spent at Royal Maui Jewlers”….we were “reconciling”….when I called him on it, he said it was a gift for me!!! A few minutes later the mistress texts me: “are you wondering about the jewelry store?”….turns out he actually spent $10,000 on an engagement ring for her!!! He had proposed to her that day at the beach! Oh, how romantic. Did I mention that she is married too??!
When I asked him why were there three pictures of his co-worker on his cellphone, obviously taken on a path of one of our favorite hiking spots.
“Oh, her husband sent them to me.” Why on earth would a husband want another man to have photos of his wife? “Because we were talking about her new haircut, and he wanted to show me what she looked like before.” Why do you still have them on your phone then, 4 months later? “I forgot they were there.” Why not remove them then? “Don’t tell me what to do!”
Yep. I know lots of men who talk like this to acquaintances. And how is it that he came to be sitting next to and talking to this spouse? “Why, at the after work social hour at a local bar.” Oh, the one I can never attend because spouses are not invited? “Well, he just showed up uninvited and we were too polite to ask him to leave.”
I cringe at my gullibility.
So many but I think my favourite for its stupidity was when I went through the landline phone bill a couple of months after D-Day during wreckonciliation and found three phone calls to the Other Man (two of a few seconds and one of around 30 minutes).
She denied making the phone calls. Claimed she’d we’d both been home together that entire day (funnily enough the timings correlated to a short period when I went to the local hardware store – though she claimed I was mistaken that I went there on that day). Finally she tried to convince me that the phone was faulty and it had somehow called the OM leading to the calls on the bill but she had not touched the phone nor spoken to him so he must have answered the phone accidentally in his pocket or similar for the calls to have gone through.
She made a big show of going and buying a replacement landline and throwing the old one out and blaming the phone company for the wrong calls. Believe it or not I tried to spackle but I think I always knew it was crap. I kicked her out shortly after when I found further proof that she couldn’t lie her way out of (though she tried).
Yep, I knew it, those damned machines have minds of their own. The poor phone couldn’t help it, it just missed hearing his voice. That’s why I never let the car or appliances hear me talking about money.
Two that came to mind first:
“I need an AIDS test because when I was vacationing at Hedonism, some woman stuck her tongue down my throat. It was awful.”
Yes, I am a CHUMP for thinking he was going for the sun. I still think it was another man. And not a tongue but a dick.
When asked where the “vacation” money his mother gave us was, he quickly replied, “I’ve invested that for the boys.” It has never been found.
You are not alone, the first time exasshole cheated it was when he said he needed and deserved a vacation, I couldn’t take off. He went to Hedonism too. I’m a naturist so it never even occurred to me what he was doing, had utter trust. The worst is that after he came back and I realized I forgave, long story…10 years later was the next DDay, I’m quite sure it’s because I just didn’t know about any others, he went deep.
Hmmm, so many lies. On this “fun” Friday one in particular comes to mind. My ex “worked” away, told me he had a room with a very very elderly lady. I think he did give me her phone number, ( cell phones weren’t in then), but told me I was not to call as she was very very elderly, very very deaf and the phone would have to ring so very very many times and it would upset her! Hmmm, then, how about YOU answer it on the first ring asswipe. But, oh, no, that was in my early chump days, good wife, good mother, good at everything, I can do all this, take care of everything, myself, alone.
Hell, I don’t remember calling him, other than ne time a general call to the company phone saying I was going into the hospital, but not to worry, everything was good, I had it all covered.
Turns out I was in a very near death situation with a tubal pregnancy, went to The OR, blood transfusions, so weak for a long time after.
He wasn’t there when I came out of recovery, don’t really remember when he returned home and I worked out all the home arrangements, child, pet, etc.
Fellow chumps, I am so sorry for all the shit that your cheater dumped on you and your good, loving heart.
CL, thank you for “fun” Friday. Since finding YOU and CN recently it feels so good to let off steam from a long cooking pressure cooker!
YOU, CL and CN, are mighty!
I believe in you!
When he said he wanted to be separated to get his head together and was “living in a motel” when he was actually living with Schmoopie and dating me and going with me to marital therapy because I was a “nag”
When he didn’t want to go out with me for his birthday because he was depressed and suicidal and I called the marriage counselor because I was frantically worried about him and he was at a Green Day concert with Schmoopie.
When he went down to Florida for a day to break up with her and the airline had a major mix up with his ticket and he was “stuck” down there for 8 days.
When he went down to Florida to break up with her again but had to stay there an extra weekend because there was a party for her elderly father, or her mother’s funeral, or a recital because she played in the local orchestra, or some other bullshit story.
When I found a text on his phone to “Frank” : “You are the one and only one I love.”
When I found my 401k statement open on his desk and he said: “It’s Schmoopie. I sold the business behind your back. She bought a house for us in Florida and I’m moving there to be with her.”
When he told the divorce lawyer that he was broke and sick and I had emails back and forth from his customers showing the business was thriving and he was on constant “vacation” to Florida and telling them to pay him in cash.
When he took me out for my birthday the day after he came back on the first d-day and I found a note he wrote to her telling her how much he loved her.
When he told me that once we drove past each over and waved when he was on the way back from sleeping with her and I had no idea and he thought it was funny.
When he told me that he used to tell me he was working on Saturdays but that he used to go to her house early in the morning to have sex with her. He’d want to come home to spend the day with me but felt it was rude to leave her so he’d spend the rest of the day there and then come home and be too tired to go out with me, so would spend the rest of the night at home, on the couch.
When he almost entirely stopped bringing money home after 2014, telling me the business was failing, when he was giving the money to her to finance their future life together.
I hope you took him to the cleaners!
Sounds like you had good evidence!
I got that one too Lostandfound – went several times to another island to break up with the whore but it never happened. The countless lies makes me feel quite the chump! Glad he is out of my life now – 3+ years now. Just waiting for a financial settlement now.
The absolute dumbest lie I fell for was one of the first ones: that the affair that led to DDay #1 was my fault. And all I had to do to correct the situation I caused was.. and there was a list of things I had to do to atone for all my errors that caused him to cheat on me. The one that I’m most ashamed of was that I had to drop what I was doing (usually cooking dinner) and greet him at the door when he came home from work. Yep. Me and the dogs running to the door every night to greet the master. I mentally cringe every time I think about that and I did it for four. fucking. years. I mean that literally. While I was bowing and scraping at the door every night he was fucking his way through various strip clubs. Who WAS that abject woman?? Fortunately I’ve grown a spine since then. I don’t know that poor creature anymore. She sure as hell isn’t me now.
You are mighty Beth, that shit is far behind you! Jedi Hugs!
You were so sincere in your desire to please him and make the marriage work. And he was just an absolute POS. I’m so glad you are free of him.
I’m sorry Beth, that sounds horrible. Especially since this was your “atonement”.
XH used to complain that I didn’t meet him at the door either. Mind you, I worked from home and would manage to still cook a homemade meal for the bastard. So sorry I didn’t greet His Majesty when he walked through our door.
Oh yeah, I got that one during wreckconciliation too. I needed to be happy to see him when he got home from work. Barf.
As anyone who heard my story will know, my first D-Day ended with my ex- telling me he was “polyamorous” and this was a part of his identity, so he HAD to keep seeing other people. I don’t blame myself for trusting him per se, but the real kicker was when, a year or so after this, I, myself, tried going on a couple dates/being sexual outside of our relationship. (With full consent from him, of course.) After I was finished these events, he proceeded to threaten to break up with me, wouldn’t kiss me, etc. On two separate occasions! His reason for being completely hypocritical and controlling? “Health concerns.” This from the guy who ended up giving me gonorrhea and scabies from his encounters.
Bless all that’s holy for this website. As I continue to claw my way out of the fog, I am astounded at the BS I put up with.
Disclaimer: I have much love for my respectful, communicative polyamorous brothers and sisters. This isn’t a sh!tpost on alternative relationship styles by any means. It’s a sh!tpost on untrustworthy, manipulative f*ckers like my ex-. Peace and love y’all!
I should clarify that my ex- also — years later — relented and admitted his “polyamorous orientation” was a farce.
Werd. I totally support honest poly too. I am not poly, but I respect it. I just want to be told the truth.
Polyamory is not one-sided or deceptive. Cheaters don’t get to change the ground rules of a relationship mid-stream, and then point out how borgeouis we are for not accepting an open relationship.
glad you ditched that asshole G&M. Jedi Hugs!
Sorry, should read ” long time cooking”
My live in BF at the time was served child support papers. I was the one who answered the door. He was in the bathroom cowering and didn’t come out for an hour so I am questioning him through the door. He said there is another guy in this area with the same name and he has received legal papers for him before in error. I stupidly accepted that because I found it hard to believe he could father a child. He seemed uninterested in sex and had problems in that area. Boy was I an idiot.
Her saying she loved me when she went on a hunting trip with her father and affair partner. Her saying their was nothing wrong with going on that trip with him. Her saying she just went for a run alone, or with other girls.
Her saying she didn’t like getting flowers, as they “just die anyways” (didnt quite believe that one, but it threw me off).
My favorite lie she told me was that their wasn’t a cheque in her wallet from her parents that they said they were going to give us, I saw it 3 days before, then asked about it later. That was the lie I didn’t believe, the one that made me walk up to her, kiss her on the lips, and tell myself in my head “We are done.” Trust that they suck.
Came across that he refilled his Viagra….. $200 for 6 of those little blue devils and they weren’t used with me… cause he just didn’t “‘have the desire”. When I confronted him on our 35 anniversary I was told that he called the pharmacy and just told them to fill all his scripts that were due refills and they did that one. That he still had them all and would let me count them. Yep chumpy me bought it…..
Then the next week he writes me that I should file for divorce that he was devastated that I didn’t trust him and he didn’t think he’d ever be able to again….. he was just so “mixed up” and “confused”. Yep chumpy me said “No, I’ll stand by you, we will get you better” blah blah blah….. I mean talk about great image control…How great to be able to tell everyone that your wife filed for divorce when “I just needed time to get my head screwed on straight”…. poor me…..
Fucktard “accidently” filled the script 5 more times. I’m sure he couldn’t take the chance of a limp dick with the 29 year old slut he was partying with.
I look back and I’m so glad I stood by him being my Chumpy self, let the world see him for the lying, cheating POS that he is. Try image controlling that. Now that he is 59, she is 30 and they have a new 4 month old I’m sure life is wonderful. Hope they can afford that Viagra now!!!!!
On Dday when I caught him not being at the fire station when he told me he was working, he gave a big “confession” that he had a gambling addiction and would take whole 24 hour shifts off to gamble. This was right after we had just finished watching the whole series of Breaking Bad together. I was chumpily prepared to believe it, but started asking detailed questions about casinos to later verify, and it lead to him (partially) confessing about massage parlour whores (the gambling of course was a complete fabrication).
Another lie I got almost every day was “you are my princess and I am the luckiest man in the world” and this one was probably true but not for the reasons I thought: “I have never been happier in my life than I am right now.” Little did I know he was so happy because he was leading a double life with his massage parlour whores, girlfriends, porn, and strippers on one side and a respectable loving family on the other.
Oh and here is one of my favorites: “I have IBS” to account for all the times he was in the bathroom looking at porn on his phone.
I also got the “I slept in my car” one night years ago after a guys night out. I completely believed it and only remembered it recently after Dday. What really happened that night I guess I’ll never know.
I think this post and comments should be required reading for anyone suspucious of a spouse (or even just any married person because after all I never even suspected anything before DDay).
IBS!!!! Lmao!!! These cheaters can get so creative when it comes to their lies. The day before one of his escapes to go see Schmoopie, he supposedly had to take a shit four different times within a two hour time period. Ahhh, the good ‘ol bathroom hideout used for their devious purposes..smh
There are so, so many. I never really bought any of them, but spackled my way through 14 months of fake reconciliation and about 10 D-Days.
My last D-Day was finding a size small green see through thong in his overnight bag after he claimed to have been on a weekend get-a-way with one of his buddies. And the panties were dirty. So disgusting. When I confronted him, you know what he told me? “Those panties are yours! What, are you so messed up you can’t even remember what your own panties look like? You need help!” There was no way those were mine…I haven’t worn a size small panty since I was about 13, and I do not like the color green and would never by underwear in that color. The ho-worker though? Based on photos/texts I had found in the past, it was her favorite color. I guess I didn’t buy that lie, because I filed the next day. Oh — then a few days later I found the hotel and rental car receipts from San Fran where she lives, when he was supposed to have been in Chicago.
When I have time, I’ll post a few others. But now we’re divorced and I’m NC except for our 5 year old son…and I still deal with lies and half truths all of the time. The latest was last weekend, he asked last minute to take our son to Arizona for a long weekend to see some spring training baseball. He’s supposed to provide all travel info before they leave. I got the hotel info via text after they had flown out… that Friday I talked to my son briefly via text message and my son told me all about his new friends “C” and “S” who, it turns out, is my Ex’s female boss and her daughter and the “cool house we all get to live in.” Ex finally admitted that his boss who is just a few years older than him and her teenage daughter came along on the trip. Then I called the hotel he told me they were staying at, and lo and behold, they weren’t registered there. So…it NEVER ends with these chumps… and the Ex apparently has moved on from his employee to his boss….
I meant talked to my son via Face Time, not text message. Can’t figure out how to edit the post! 🙂
Whilst on holiday in remote Southeast Asia (following his business trip to China and Singapore), he suddenly said he needed to see a doctor and wouldn’t let me go with him because he said it was embarrassing. I naively waited in the hotel and when he came back, he said “I have an infection that I got on my penis from the gym, but the doc gave me antibiotics and you should take them too” I refused to take them, telling him I felt just fine and wasn’t taking random drugs from a doctor I had never seen. But I never questioned what he told me about the diagnosis. I was such a CHUMP. Never thought I had a reason to question my sweet husband, even when he told me something as ridiculous as getting a penis infection from the gym. Later, after D-Day, I found out he had chlamydia from prostitutes he’d been visiting on his “business trips” to Asia (and Eastern Europe and the Middle East and who knows where else). I was fortunate to test clean on the several STD tests I had following D-Day and never let him back into my house, let alone my bed.
Some corkers here. Complicated situation with CH having affair with ex-friend-skank.
CH: “I would never cheat on you” biggest lie of all.
“She was helping me choose your birthday present.” . And for a moment I thought “sounds reasonable, he’s a decent guy……” That 19.99 necklace from Target (yes I then looked it up on the website) took a whole Saturday afternoon to buy.
I found a “?” text from Skank on his phone to him. I asked “Has skank texted you over the last few days?” “No of course not!” he said indignantly. I was OK for a day then I decided to check the online phone records. There were the many, many texts and calls between them. Even then I wasn’t sure – after all she was my friend – maybe there was an explanation? Yes I really was that stupid, or innocent.
Skank denied everything. “We just met for coffee.”
More complicated lies but difficult to explain in writing anyway, still can’t get my head around it all.
That was my D day moment, going to the website to check his phone logs, and there it was. He was texting Ho across the street 27 times the day before, I counted them, I was in shock. He hung out over there, but acted like she was kind of a weirdo, just a random neighbor.
Then I watched him type in his phone password for a couple of days til I had it. I took his phone when he fell asleep, and shaking like a leaf, opened it and read all their filthy texts.
I’m so much better now, because MEH to all that, no one should have to figure out what their partner is up to!
Thanks CL and CN!
Jedi Hugs!
I too remember my hands shaking, heart pounding as I checked his phone, as if I was the one doing something wrong…doing the marriage police sucks big time…
Never again I want to feel this way
I remember that feeling exactly, and boy did it suck! Glad that’s all over with!
Good for you, sticking with it until you could see the proof.
“My brother borrowed my car, he must have left those condoms in there.” This one isn’t the most ridiculous because his brother was kind of a dog and living with us at the time.
I hate this lie because things were already tense between his brother and I because I had just moved there from out of state and was a newlywed, I didn’t want my weird step-brother-in-law in the tiny house all the time. He was a DJ so that means he never worked.
This lie made things more difficult for us while Deadfool was at work from 8 am to 9 pm most of the time (yeah, right), scheming on his howorkers. I was irritated with the brother because of all his annoying habits and for disrespecting my husband/not moving out.
Turns out Deadfool hadn’t even told him we were marrying or that I was moving there, and never asked him to leave. So Bro was just as clueless as me.
The dumbest one maybe was on Valentine’s Day, when he went to “help his brother buy a tire up the street” ??? and I asked him to grab donuts. It took him four full hours because he had to go buy identical cards and crap from Walgreens and go give one set of garbage gifts to OW. I don’t know how he explained not being able to stay longer at her place. Probably the brother’s fault again!
Ugggghhhhhffffllp what an idiot!
Well I’m sure there are several heavily spackled lies if I allowed myself to go there, but these come to mind:
After DDay (Dr called to tell me I had HPV- it was a deadly strain and it wasn’t present in previous paps…) so he told me it was a one night stand, during the time he left us (my pregnant self and two year old) and her name was “Hope”.
Eventually I found out he left us for this supposed one night stand and the only “Hope” was that he “hoped” I’d never find out the truth.
A month later I found a reservation confirmation for a hotel. It was the same resort I’ve been asking him to take me to for years. I confronted him and instead of a smart lie, like “surprise! We’re going to that place you always have talked about” he said it was for when he and his friend go skiing. So I said I’ll just call our friend to verify. He screeched “Don’t call and bother him! He doesn’t know yet”.
So, I’m supposed to believe that you made a $2k reservation for a SINGLE QUEEN size bed at a ski resort for your male ski buddy.
I had to come up with the shitty conclusion that he was planning to take his spawned out whore to the resort I’ve been asking to go to with him for years. On our marital dime.
I discovered this on Xmas Eve so my Christmas spirit took the day off this year.
If he had been smart about it, he would have lied and said it was a surprise for me. I could have spackled over that shit and thought it was a gracious Xmas present to make up for his being a fucking piece of shit. But nope. I got a $50 gift card to Victoria Secret instead. Seriously makes me want to puke just thinking about it.
I hope you are done with him.
Ug. This sounds painfully familiar…after years of me pressing for a romantic night away, he sets up a hotel stay with HER at a nicer hotel than we’d stayed at in a decade, and gave me crazy explanations why. I agree with you, if he’d claimed it was for us when I confronted him, Instead of giving me a preposterous explanation, I I might have bit right on to that hook….
Ladies, how could he do that? He was taking her, he could not then diss her for you, his wife!! He could not change plans and then take u and not her…
I have no idea what were lies in the last 20 years and what weren’t and IDGAF either. If there were, 99% of them weren’t outrageous. But one lie he told, and I knew it was a lie when he was telling it, because it happened while I was gathering my evidence and working out how I was going to let it all go down. When he must’ve realized that I could see his phone calls, he said he was on the phone a lot with an ex-coworker because she got laid off too and she’s an older woman who is sick and he’s helping her out. It was Whore #2 What made it over the top outrageous, he said she had told him to call her ‘MOM’. This was someone he was having sex with. That’s the lie he came up with. She’s an older woman who told me to call her mom. Sick.
My STBX’s life was so so easy to cheat because he traveled for work. So was mine, if I had wanted to. I traveled as well for work. His lies were probably legitimate things that I myself had said and done dozens of times. “I’m going to dinner with the team so I’m calling you early, I don’t want to wake you up when I get back.” All of the things he said to me, I had said too AND I wasn’t cheating.
There is one that I think was probably a dumb lie. It was a few years ago, and we had just bought a whirley pop (popcorn pot) and we both loved it. He told me that a coworker of his, an older man, was retiring and he asked me to order one for him for his retirement party. It was an insignificant thing, but there was something in his voice that had made me think he was lying. I have a strong feeling now that he gave it to Whore #1.
All the lies, decades of them, run before my soul and make me feel so stupid. So many weekends and vacations spent alone because he had “an important deadline”, “to prepare for a meeting” “I’m much busier than you are” “my assistants are traveling with me and we have to prepare for the meeting”
Here’s my “favorite” lie:
I hadn’t even noticed that he was not wearing his wedding band, it was cheater himself who pointed this out to me (to make him be honest???). “Why?” I asked and he answered that he must have lost it while twirling it around on his desk at the office, he had this habit (news to me). He went out and bought a big fat new gold band (our original ones were thin, we were poor when we married) for himself.
The weight and sludge of all these lies…and there is a strand of commonality running though all of them. We were all married/partnered with the same low life douche bags.
I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, go back to sleep or fix a screwdriver before noon.
Amen to that! The fact I was pregnant and caring for a 1 1/2 year old when stbx left us were the only reasons I didn’t drink myself into Oblivion. Little blessings. They carried me through. But today? Vomit? Tears? Laughter? Tons of alcohol? It’s been four months since I discovered the affair. It feels like yesterday.
FedUp, How are you coping? Does he contact you?
I have never researched these men who abandon women with small children. Without throwing the word around so much that it loses its punch…how else could it be classified other than sociopathic?
This is the truth, most days still… :)))
“I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, go back to sleep or fix a screwdriver before noon.”
Not her,me – the lie I told myself to convince me that nothing was happening, that they were honest people, and if their was an issue with our relationship, that she wouldn’t resort to cheating. And him (being a friend and always trying to right wrongs), being a good enough person to tell me their was something wrong in our marriage. F*ck her, f*ck him, trust that they suck.
Ex travelled for work. One time he was in Africa for a month. When he came back he (thankfully) never came near me for about a month. Found out he had got blind, stinking drunk after work one night, ended up waking up fully clothed but with a prostitute giving him a BJ “but nothing happened”!!!!! You pick up a prostitute in Africa and “nothing happened”! Actually I kinda believe him. He was such a drunk but I don’t think even he was that stupid to go all the way with a prostitute in Africa. Still, he went and got AIDS tested and then had to tell me.
Another favourite, he had kicked three shades of shit out of me in one of his drunken rages. I was rolled in a ball on the floor and he just kept kicking me, so I was obviously covered in bruises, front and back, although strangely enough, even though he was drunk the bruises were always in places that couldn’t be seen if I was dressed. Funny that. The kids saw my bruises and he told them “mom was drunk and fell downstairs”. So then I obviously got back up and threw myself down the stairs backwards in order to get the matching bruises on my back. Pencil Dick couldn’t ever look me in the face when he was lying but the veins on the side of that scrawny neck sure stood out – pity they didn’t explode!
Wow. That is just awful. I hope for your sake, his dick rotted off and your children can see him for who he really is…
Sadly that was par for the course. After a while it didn’t even hurt (until the next day of course) but I documented the shit out of it and got the bastard in the end. I loathe him with a vengeance but I think even he is too scared to ever touch me again (we are divorced many years now and he is back in the States) but I think even he knew he had gone too far. May that bastard rot in hell.
This is so horrendous. I am sorry.
Attie, I am so sorry. You’re a very forgiving person since that bastard is still alive. If he did that to a stranger on the street he’d be jailed for years.
That is the myth of DV- that they are “out of control”. It is a choice because it has huge rewards in terms of dictating the agenda. And they are in complete control. He purposefully choose to beat you where the bruises would not be seen.
Just as he never “lost control” with his boss or with a 300 lb. biker in the market in a tantrum, did he?
Did you really throw yourself back down the stairs or were you being ironic?
I was being ironic! He really had (and frequently did) beat the hell out of me to the point that in the end I didn’t fear it – it didn’t hurt (until the next day). The only lie I think he could come up with was that I was drunk and fell down the stairs several times. He once said in front of a large group of people that I had hurt him too. So I apologized in front of everyone for hitting his fist with my head. Twat that he is.
Oh that was good. You are brave. No kidding- you are lucky to have escaped with your life. DV rarely ends well for the woman.
More than a twat. A scary evil person.
Ugh, these lies are exhausting. And we’re such chumps for falling for them!
I, too, have heard more than my fair share. The “We never talked badly about you. I’m not that kind of person. Neither is she. She’s the nicest person I know.” *gag*
But the one that sticks out is the one that really made me feel like things were off. He went on a business trip with 8-10 coworkers. For “some reason”, he and his ho-worker ended up at a different hotel than the rest of the group. He said that it’d be too much of a pain to change the reservation. You know, because hotel reservations are so challenging.
As if that wasn’t enough, the kids and I were waiting for a Skype call from him the first evening. Not only did he not bother to text to let me know that his plane landed safely (isn’t that just common decency?), but it was also hard to get him to agree to a time for this Skype call with the kids.
Him: “Okay, I can do it in 15 minutes. The work group is going out to dinner a little while after that, so it’ll need to be quick.”
Me: “Alright, no problem. We’ll Skype you then. Looking forward to it!”
I gathered the kids at the agreed time, and we tried calling him on Skype. No answer. Again and again and again. I texted him to ask what’s up, with no reply. We probably spent about 20 minutes trying. It had only been a few minutes since we had arranged this Skype call. What could have possibly happened?
Hours later, he finally texted back. His “work group” came to his room and convinced him to leave for dinner, despite his plans to chat with his family for a few minutes. In his hurry, he must have forgotten to let me know that he wouldn’t be able to Skype after all. Because really, how important is family?
Weeks later, when I started to really suspect an affair, I snooped. (I never snooped before this. I hate that I became *that* person.) I found a receipt in his wallet for his dinner that night. It was for two meals: his and the OW.
Oh my god I when I look back I can only shake my head at how gullible/desperate I was. First was the lie about who the affair was with and for how long (a one night standwith a former colleague as opposed to a nearly 2 year affair with a ho-worker whom was WARNED about by people at his company). Even when she posted pictures on Facebook showing the view from his remote cabin (over Valentine’s Day no less) he claimed It was because they were close friends and he wanted to share pictures with her. This is where my credulity started to strain. He finally admitted it was her, then promised that he would end it. Only he didn’t, as evidenced by more texts, voicemails, etc. they’re engaged now, and considering he was as honest with her as he was with me, I think that’s going to work out great.
I’m sitting here with tears rolling down my face reading these. It is so absolutely awful, the disrespect and entitlement chumps have to face.
I have many stories and layers upon layers of lies that I accepted – I really didn’t believe them all. Not only about cheating, but of mundane things, too. IN the end I know I could have forgiven the cheating, but never the years of constant lies, misrepresentations and manipulations. Spousal lies are surely a form of control and abuse way more damaging than the sex act of an affair.
There are no “accidental” affairs. There are no “accidental” one night stands. There are no “we just fell in love” co -worker scenarios. They are slowly built up out of lies told after many tale after non admissions after cheater setting up, sometimes for years, the incidents that result in an affair. Why cheaters are so surprised when the house of cards all fall down around them I will never know. OW knew, as my cheater did, from the beginning that they were involved with a person who would steal, lie and cheat their own children out of their families for selfish gain. Chumps never had this enlightenment about their partner.
I would have never accepted this.
So painful to think cheater thought the chump was so stupid, so enamored of their love that they had the right to act this way.
And to the future chump or current affair partner he may or may not still be with. Your time is coming gal. Your “pure love” is NOT going to prevent the strings of lies from coming your way. I only hope, like the Ouroboros your lies consume you both equally.
Two things really got me over the spackle-hump: the deviant character issues and the pervasive lying. Once I realized he was lying, I started the “dig” and every single time I looked somewhere, I found another heap of lies. Every. Damn. Time.
Even with the evidence in hand, he continued to lie. As horrible as this is, I’m ((almost)) grateful he lied when I had firm evidence … it gave me irrefutable evidence that he didn’t give a shit and he would never change. Thus, it was my “time to lay the burden down” moment.
I agree, snooping and proving to myself that he was lying about everything, including lying to the whore on our phone while I was in town with his son, was a great help. Without that evidence, I was so good at spackling, and I still am, that I would imagine that he felt guilty, torn between 2 women, still my friend somehow. My mind really plays tricks on me, that’s what made it so easy for him.
Yes, I needed mountains of evidence too, and luckily found it.
I was sent to the post office to mail a package for my summer job and saw my father opening a bunch of ‘waterbrush feelings’ cards. I walked up to him and said ‘hi’ then noticed what he was doing. I ran out of the post office crying and my manager gave me the Afternoon off. I went home and was steeling myself to tell my mom when my father came into my room. He then proceeded to lie to me. ‘The cards weren’t his, they belonged to his boss and he was just reading them for the boss’. Ridiculous and outlandish yet I chose to believe him so that I would not have to see my mother’s heartbreak again. I KNEW he was lying. I can’t forgive myself for my cowardice. I was 19. Still sucks to remember.
#1…. I was watching ER ( or whatever show) and fell asleep with the remote in my hand. It must have just hit on the porno channel ans I didn’t know it.
#2….I can’t even think about dating …….I am moving in with a friend from work ( his MUCH YOUNGER co-worker “friend”)
I was sent to the post office to mail a package for my summer job and saw my father opening a bunch of ‘waterbrush feelings’ cards. I walked up to him and said ‘hi’ then noticed what he was doing. I ran out of the post office crying and my manager gave me the Afternoon off. I went home and was steeling myself to tell my mom when my father came into my room. He then proceeded to lie to me. ‘The cards weren’t his, they belonged to his boss and he was just reading them for the boss’. Ridiculous and outlandish, yet I chose to believe him so that I would not have to see my mother’s heartbreak again. I KNEW he was lying. I can’t forgive myself for my cowardice. I was 19. Still sucks to remember.
On dday when I found thousands of text messages on his phone to ow… All the conversations were planted there by someone. Seriously? When I told him that was impossible he turned it into an invasion of his privacy that I looked at his phone. During the divorce he would throw this up often, at least I don’t snoop through other people’s phones! Well pin a rose on your nose, you are indeed a man of integrity. Barf.
I had similar complaints when i checked her phone – that I was invading her privacy and Spying… She was cheating – I pay all the bills… She was a stay at home mom that worked a job for her fun money…
I hate the whole “invading my privacy thing.” I told my XH, “I am your wife and I have a right to know who is texting my husband at 3am!” And it’s true, when you are married there should be nothing to hide from your spouse.
They just love to shift the blame, don’t they? I didn’t get this one, but I did get accused of being “insulting” for pointing out the things he has done. Sorry… Being cheated on is insulting; having someone point it out to you is just facing reality.
I love the “I am over this and my life has to move forward. I can’t keep letting you bring it up when you get angry because I have moved on in life!!”. Oh so sorry that you can easily forget about the affair and I can’t. My bad…..
“We’re just friends.”
“We’re juuuust rowing partners. We have to be on the water at 5 am.”
“I have to be at work at 6 am.”
“We’re just friends.”
“I have to work 12 hour days.”
“You don’t need friends. We have each other.”
“We are just friends.”
“I have to watch her house and cat (he knows NOTHING about caring for domestic animals ~~ oh yeah, I forgot ~~ maybe pussy is the exception) for her while she is away. We’re juuuuuuuust friends!”
Right. F*ck.
Most colossal: “You are my best friend, lover and soul mate.”
I’m not that kind of guy…, you’re my best friend.
Yes, brit, a variant flavour of bullshit.
On discovering a stache of Viagra, ex claimed they were to help oxygen absorption when cycling at altitude. No mountains on cycle commute into London…just saying.
Maybe he had to cycle via Snowdon – roadworks and all that you know!
Caught my wife cheating about 12-months ago and have youngest daughter (18) that will graduate this June. Tried giving her a chance to reconcile (she really has not done much) while keeping the family together . Well…
My youngest daughter came to me almost two weeks ago now and told me that she thought mom was cheating with him again… Because mom was out of work at 3:00PM and at 8:00PM (it was a Friday) she called her as she was worried (I was out with my son) and that my wife said she had been grocery shopping. When she got home all she had was a Gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, cantelope, Strawberries, blueberries, and a watermelon… My daughter even said there is no way she could go “grocery shopping for so long” and get so little… It is sad that my daughter knew she was being lied too… So the next day my wife started accusing me of using our daughter to spy on her… I mean Really…
So, I did check the cell carriers online Phone Log and guess what !!! She started phone calls and texting him the day before and that day as well… I guess his wife (her old best friend – someone she regarded as a mother figure) may have divorced him… Anyways, I have the Divorce Papers Ready to serve – just wrapping up some loose ends to reduce risk of her doing financial damage to the family.
JeepMan, I’m so sorry you and your daughter have to deal with this disordered person. Good for you that you’re almost ready to have her served!
Best wishes to you JeepMan as you remove this toxic poison from your life. It sounds like your daughter is smart and understands what is going on. May you continue to be her sane parent and role model.
So 4 months after DDay we are separated and my husband has told me he just needs time to make up his mind. He tells me his therapist thinks he should not really be with any woman for now so he can decide what he wants. I assume that means he has stopped seeing the OW, (really a cake fest for him and dancing by me and OW) I am in full “pick me dance” mode so I am coming over to his place for booty calls whenever he will let me. He never let me sleep over, but would let me have sex with him and send me home (1 mile away). So I am over for a booty call and in the bathroom after sex I find a condom wrapper on the counter. He never used a condom with me his wife. I freak out! I confront him. He tells me he used the condom for masturbating since he didn’t want to make a mess. I bought it. I so wanted to believe that he would not have sex with the OW and an hour later be with me. In hindsight I am mortified that I ever was so needy and stupid.
Damn, I forgot one of the biggest lies.
After asking for a divorce and “returning to the marriage” from his affair with gradwhore (which I didn’t know about), Hannibal bought a house downtown without even telling me about it. He claimed he wanted to surprise me because he knew how much I liked city-life, and we could stay downtown on weekends. His real motive? The house was to serve as his fuckpad during his foray into adult websites–Ashley Madison, Adult Friend Finders, and at least one other.
Ha Tempest, my x also bought a condo “downtown” without telling me about it! He claimed he needed an “office” and we could stay there on weekends if we didn’t feel like driving the three miles home. Our business is commercial real estate and at the time we had 90,000 square feet of empty space. When I pointed this out to him, he said he had to “get away” from the building and the tenants. I bought this and helped him furnish and decorate. We even bought a washer and dryer for the place. I never wondered why he would need a washer and dryer when we had everything at home three miles away.
Fuckpad, indeed. I now wonder how many women he’s hosted there. We owned it for 9 years before we split up. He lives there now full time, which was probably his plan all along.
The French used to call the city appartment for trysts “un baise en ville”, the city fuckpad. Wonder if they sell special mortgages for those. Could be a lucrative niche market for some scumbags.
You know you are in the Big Leagues….when there are real property lies.
Not- I did not buy that porn on Pay for View. Bu-t I did not buy that downtown loft with the amazing views of the river.
I keep reading all about these unrepentant liars…..and I am not sure if I feel liberated or very very afraid.
I wonder if I could find some Silicon Valley person to back me on a CHUMPS ONLY website. So these disordered zombies are vetted out. I can deal with:
messiness, or watching too much sports, or even strange family members, Star Trek obsession, some extra weight, snoring….but not this…deadly devotion to making fools of us so they can pretend they are studs or stud ettes.
And for what? A handful of dust? Scuzzy has not accomplished one thing since he embarked on his mission. He lost his businesses, sold the assets for pennies on the dollar, and has bounced around.
I had some small karma…he lost his driver’s license. Too many wrecks, crashes and tickets.
But, on point….my body and my mind can never go through this again. I believe reading here will help us gather a card catalogue in our minds (I miss those!) and we can spot them before they get too close to try and kill us.
Oh I love this one! But where to start….
Years before Dday we had a joint cell phone account. I went to pay the bill online and for some reason checked the usage. There were 12 hours of back and forth emails from this unknown number. I asked Haggar the Whoreable about it and he claimed it was an aunt of a friend at work that had questions about a work product. Really? It didn’t sit right and I called the number which came back as Ankles (the old “I thought” girlfriend who he claimed had cheated on him and the reason they broke up months before we met. Now I think it was the other way around as he claimed she was suicidal and calling him when we were on our first date and he said that he told her he didn’t care what she did – Forehead Slap). When I had him dead to rights about lying about it he claimed that she had texted him to have sex and didn’t care if he was married, engaged, etc and said that she wouldn’t tell anyone if he wanted to come over for sex. He claimed that he enjoyed telling her what a slut she was an turned her down. Mind you he deleted the texts so I bought it with the exception that I didn’t see why it took 12 hours to tell her to go away. Spackle, Spackle. I should have run then and there.
However, the best one was 3 months before DDay. The laundry hamper was not in the usual spot and so Haggar dropped his undies on the floor in the spot where it usually was. This wouldn’t have been an issue except our cat started playing hockey with said drawers and making quite a racket and rubbing all over them. I got out of bed and picked them up and they were covered in snail trail/blotches. Spidey senses went on full alert. I crawled back in bed and quietly asked him if he was having and affair. He said no and why would I ask and when I told him what I found, he said that he had been thinking of me at work and got excited. (Note. He wasn’t talking/texting/emailing me while he was at work (working longer hours as the boss was out, but talking to the BDSM broad (vendor) out of state)). Little did I know that many of those early/late work days were actually with Ankles or talking to the BDSM broad. The cat knew more that I did.
Not my monkey any more and I’m out of the circus. Cue the music.
Haggar the Whoreable! Oh, I just love this one, it’s up there with Hannibal Lecher and the Entitled One.
There are too many lies to sift through, but here are a few that stand out. One night, my soon to be ex-husband needed ice cream at 9:30pm, so he left for 4 hours. However, he did return with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Phish food. I asked if he had to make the ice cream because that took forever. His response, “The grocery store was really busy!” He also said he was never texting anyone else (I have proof from the phone records) but instead he was on Pinterest, pinning shit. He is so lame.
My XH for years would go up to our cottage on a Friday night and stay over to “check things out”. I would stay home because our boys were in sports and usually one of them would have a game on Saturday and I would take him to it. XH would come home Saturday night. This went on for many, many years. When I finally discovered his unfaithfulness, he confessed that he took various women with him. His golf holidays with the guys were also often taken with another woman. Most of the women were one night or one week stands. So, over the course of 33 years of marriage, he estimated (quite proudly I think) that there had been at least one woman a month and some months more than one. That makes over 300 women he was involved with!
I look back now and am dumbfounded that I never suspected. He loved the cottage and said he felt peaceful there. I thought that was a reasonable feeling. Instead, it was the perfect place to take some “strange”. Now I understand why some of the neighbours up north were not super friendly with us. I guess they saw the goings on. But no-one ever said anything to me – wish they had.
Once everything came out, I heard some of their stories. But most just continued to avoid me (and really shunned him – which he felt was so unjustified).
Now it is ancient history, but at the time I sure was in shock. I truly believe that we become chumps because we would never deceive anyone and so don’t expect anyone to do this to us. It is so out of our realm of what’s possible. It has been a hard lesson, but I sure learned it well.
I quite agree – 25 years of marriage to a serial cheater too….You feel so stupid when you find out all the lies you believed at face value. Because as you say – you would never ever treat someone like they treated you so at no point do you believe it could be happening to you….So surreal now but hey it taught me so many life lessons going forward the main one being –
If their behaviour or words , don’t feel right or feels ” off” – it is……….
Simple.
Something i will make sure my 2 lovely daughters take into their adulthood.
Plus – there are givers & takers in this world – make sure you know which one you are marrying……. I just thought that everyone deserves a chance & there’s a good heart in everyone. Wrong.
My view of the world has irrevocably changed. I would ” skip through tulips ” years ago & was an optimistic. I was a person who was able to look forward & enjoy life.
Now after all had been revealed & the absolute shock & trauma of seeing the REALITY of the world & the deceit & dishonesty in people close to you – my whole being has been altered forever & my lovely soft heart had hardened…..
My children gave me so much joy – but even that has been affected by the trauma & for the last 3 years struggling to stay in one piece for their sake has been so stressful that i know that’s 3 years of their lives badly affected as i have not been able to be the mother i have always been for them…..And for that i can never forgive that lying cheating f##k…. He’s history & i don’t give a flying fig for him anymore – but the damage his selfish behaviour has done to our girls mental health & anxiety as they watched it all unfurl….. Oh what a guy!
My mission is to make sure they get ” me” back & on this mother’s day i think that i need to remember that for now that’s my reason for soldering on through this crap…..And hopefully one day soon i will be able to ” skip through those tulips ” again.
^^^^^^^
Chumpedbigtime, I feel the same way, I’m no longer the optimistic person I once was after trusting X. He has robbed me of who I once was and being the Mom my son deserved.
My ex, shortly after DDay took off with no indication where, and left a suicide note which my kids discovered. She was gone for days and we were freaking out what to do. She wasn’t answering her phone, etc.
My youngest suggested we check the speed pass……..and…….sure as shit she was off on a road trip to fuck someone in my own family.
When she got back she gaslighted, blameshifted and so forth.
Aaaaah…. The good old days!
This is SO CRUEL! You must have been so worried, and I can’t imagine how terrified your kids were!
I am so very sorry you and your kids had to endure this. My kids and I went through something similar. It’s unimaginable to me that any parent could do something like that … and not be utterly devastated in the aftermath when they realize how hurt their kids are by the parent’s actions/words.
God, how to I choose, there were so many gems…but my personal fave has to be when, at some point, I confronted my cheater about our lack of a sex life (two times per week max, and he had to take Viagra). He referenced a convo we had early in our relationship, when I asked him how many times a week he liked to have sex (this is a sexual compatibility issue). And I told him my answer: 3-5. He said at the very least 2 (I remember him saying, as long as it’s not just 1!), but he agreed to what I wanted. So this wasn’t only a lie, but a way of gaslighting me: He said “You told me you only wanted it twice a week! I remember it specifically because I complained about it to my best friend.” WOW. How convenient for him. At the time I believed it–oh, poor sausage! Here this whole time, he was simply trying to honor my low sex drive!! And it was all just a “miscommunication” due to his “ADD.” I bought it!!! Until later, when I realized it was all a manipulation. He was the one who only wanted to to fuck me twice a week, because the rest of the week was spent on strange pussy, masturbating to strange pussy pix, and sending dick videos to his APs.
Damn he was a good liar. Still is, I’m sure.
When I first met my ex, he told me he had been diagnosed with testicular cancer and had a testicle removed and a prosthetic testicle had been put in its place. He described his chemo treatments and what is was like to lose his hair and how the cancer and treatment had left him sterile. He had a scar on his scrotum so I believed him and we eventually stopped using condoms. Guess what happened, I immediately got pregnant. He was so happy, said it was a miracle. Fast-forward a few years, we’re married, and the abuse is in full force. I get ahold of his medical records (he’s military and was in the process of applying for VA benefits so we had them) and find out he never had cancer. He doesnt have a prosthetic nut. He never had chemo. He was never told he was sterile. What really happened was that he had epididymitis from an untreated chlamydia infection. The scar was from when they had to drain the infection in his epididymis. When I confronted him about this he was pissed that I had “snooped” in his records. No apology. No explanation. Thank God I woke up and got away from that monster. Divorce will be final soon.
That takes lying for no reason to a new level.
“This is my friend, Whore. We met through (insert civic organization I attended ONCE.) She and our nanny have so much in common, because nanny is from xyz and Whore would like to visit xyz someday.”
Of course I welcomed Whore into my home and offered her my hospitality on more than one occasion. And of course, all of those things were just a cover for her to come and go as she pleased, and to provide reasonable cover when I found her there.
Finding them in bed together was a little bit difficult for them to explain. They tried, though! As she was rearranging her clothes, Whore neighed, “Nothing happened!”
When my chikdren were young I arrived home, found a note on the bank book stating he went to California to live. He withdrew all the money I saved.
When I called him he was drunk, was in Atlantic City at a casino and I told him to come home the next day.
It wasn’t until after DDay I knew he was picking up women regularly at casinos for years.
Someone above mentioned that’s it’s easy to lie to someone who isn’t suspicious of you. Bingo!!
Loser ex wasn’t a great liar or anything but I wasn’t looking for it before I discovered he was a whoremongering cheater.
Once I started watching him I realized how much of a liar Mr. Nice Guy really was.
Lol, he told me he wasn’t a liar because they were “white lies”, designed to protect my feelings. No, they were designed to protect his nasty piece of gutter snipe cake.
To me, white lies are really just ” opinions ” that you keep to yourself to not hurt another person unnecessarily. Yes, I like your dress. That haircut is cute on you. Your new job sounds perfect. Etc.
When you are distorting Facts, especially to protect yourself from consequences, you sir, are a common variety Liar.
To me, all lies are of equal importance, cause if you will lie about small stuff you will lie about big stuff and vice versa. Don’t need any lying losers in my life.
Sounds like Haggar the Whoreable and his “situational ethics”. Now I know that meant to lie whenever he felt the urge.
I have two that come to mind that grates my nerves. The first was when he was for all purposes living with a single guy 10 ys younger to the point he was helping him with rent. Perfect party pad. He came in and changed announcing he was going to a concert but was unable to get me a ticket. Yea right! Then later proceeded to talk about the concert venue and the really good local beer they served knowing that I’m a beer lover. I tried that beer later and it was some bitter shit just like his soul.
The second that was actually repeated several times was that he was too tired to drive after riding track over the weekend. Its over by 5:00 on Sunday and he would show up Tuesday. I was over it at that point and never said a word. To quote him- I may be a fool but I’m not a damn fool.
There should be a whole book on dumb excuses we chumps believe. Maybe there actually is and we don’t get to read it.
My best are;
My friend left those condoms in the glove box.
I came home at 4 am because the police arrested me, but they didn’t have anything on me so they had to let me go.
I was working and I fell asleep.
Our kids make me angry and I need to not be angry so I’m staying with x this weekend.
I’m getting my rear view mirror fixed. (It was 9:30 at night and I didn’t believe that one)
I parked around the corner from my affair partner’s house because I wanted to see if you were still suspicious of me.
Boy, when I see it written out like that…..yikes….I am gullible!
That goes along with “I was out looking at apartments” at 10pm on a Sunday. Hey dumbass, they don’t show apartments on Sunday at 10pm….more likely he was at her house “looking” at it. Wow!
It’s insulting how stupid they think we are …..
I love you
I love you and only you
I NEED a different life.
I am sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused.
He was as deep as a smear of spit on the pavement. He only ever loved himself, being incapable of true love. He wrote the bit about being sorry on his farewell letter (he ran away) so truly sorry I think not. So many lies over four decades but as he triumphantly said when we met briefly after he left – I’m not lying now.
If I think hard enough, I can still, five years later, identify new lies that were situations where I was oblivious and duped.
One funny one was the size 3 shiny black thigh-high stiletto boots I found under our bed. When I inquired…wtf…he said “I bought them as part of a job lot on ebay thinking you could have them”. I am a size 7. Turned out later OW had been visiting our house for sleepovers while I was away on business. After I threw him out (after proving his behaviour with a keylogger on my laptop) I found all sorts of S&M paraphernia under the bed in our guestroom. Included a “fireman’s outfit” in pleather.
Leaving sex toys in someone else’s home turns them on? Yuckkk. What a bunch of sickos.
Gee, looking back over 35 years of marriage, there were SO many…But, I’ll just pick one.
I was a year and a half in breast cancer treatments. As soon as I had my lumpectomy before my radiation treatments, he told me to stop talking about my cancer. He said they took it out so shut up about it. A few months later I decided to go over the cell phone bill and saw where he had been calling a certain number anywhere from 6 to 12 times a day and the number called him too. With bill in hand I asked him who did he have to call so much? He said it was a friend from his trail riding club, she was a smoker and whenever she wanted a cigarette she would call him and he would talk her out of smoking. Because of MY cancer he didn’t want anyone else to get cancer!!! OMG he had turned into the cancer prevention patrol. NOT!!! I almost thought he truly cared because to my way of thinking no one cold be that cold to not care if their spouse of 35 years had cancer. Yes, they can.
Told him to get out of my house, which it still is and he is now happily married to the smoker!
I am 12 years cancer, cheater, liar, domestic abuser survivor!
Hugs Dara! You are mighty. So glad you survived it all. Best wishes for all things wonderful in your cheater-free life.
You are incredible.
What.an.asshole. So glad you are rid of him.
What a jerk! Being free of the cheater and cancer free is amazing.. now the smoker has the fortune of being married to a man who would cheat on a sick spouse.
I read here almost every day but have never posted. Sorry this is kind of long.
My husband coached my daughter’s hockey teams for several years. He was extremely committed and dedicated to the kids. It was very time consuming (6 month season) but he enjoyed it, was very good at it, and it was nice for my daughter. When she got older and it was time for her to move to a different team, he told me that he wanted to continue coaching her former team. I was not happy at all since he would be away from the family so much and it would be hard for me to get my daughter and my older child to their sports and other afternoon/evening activities. In addition, my oldest was just starting at a private school that was pretty far from home and I was having some health issues. I literally begged him not to do it but he wouldn’t change his mind. Come to find out that he wasn’t just committed to the kids – he was also enjoying attention from several of the players’ mothers. That thought never occurred to me. I thought he was just being selfish. I didn’t figure it out until after the season was over and something seemed strange so I looked at the cell phone bill. I noticed a little too much communication between him and those mothers via cell phone and text. My kids are involved in all kinds of sports and I have never texted or called a coach unless my child was sick and going to miss a game. I could never prove any physical relationships but at a minimum the behavior was inappropriate and hurtful to me. He loved the attention and hearing what a great coach he was etc and left me on my own emotionally and physically as our marriage deteriorated in every possible way.
I know this doesn’t compare to most of the stories that are posted here but the fact that I believed his BS and, even though I was angry and hurt, thought he was doing something that was in some way admirable still makes me sick.
This compares to all of these. Your hurt is totally valid. It’s never ok to be played.
Deception is betrayal, and it all hurts.
He was flat out using your child as an excuse to get attention. He wasn’t coaching to spend time with her as her father. Rather, he was happy to have a daughter on the team so he could look like a great dad while soaking up the female attention from the moms. The proof of this is that he refused to discontinue coaching the daughter’s team once she had moved on from it–and even though it was a huge inconvenience for your family.
Without question, this equates with many of the stories here. You and your daughter definitely deserve better.
You don’t know what exactly went on. But you know that you needed him to put his energy into your marriage and your own family and he chose to put his energies and attention elsewhere.
Since you refer to him as your husband, it would seem that you are still together. Don’t assume that these relationships are innocent. Brene Brown, in her book on vulnerability, talks about how disengaging emotionally (and in terms of time and attention) from a marriage is just as serious as a sexual affair. And to be honest, you don’t know what has been going on while you dealt with the kids and your health. So something is amiss here. I know a good family man who has coached at the HS level for years who just took a year off so that he could watch his son play in his final college year. And coaching is his primary career. Parents who coach professionally (as in, they are paid by organizations because they rely on that income are not volunteers or amateurs) struggle to balance time with their work team and time watching their kids. And always, this struggle for balance includes the spouse. I’m a coach. The travel, etc. is very tough on relationships and I don’t have kids.
I know a “travel team” coach situation where the coach was actually having an affair with an underage player. He ended up in jail. I hope you are getting some counseling (not marriage counseling) about standing up for your own needs. Keep your eyes open. He damaged your marriage because he’s hunting for kibbles (atttention) from someone other than you. It’s a short step from there to a physical affair if they are already texting.
So many affairs, so many lies. These are some I remember from the last howorker (the love of his life):
“I don’t know why that condom was on the floor in the living room. One of the kids must have been in the bathroom cabinet, it didn’t fall out of my pocket on my way to work.”
“I have to go into work early, stay after work late, work extra this weekend, etc. Work keeps calling and texting all hours of the day and night, they always need something (even while I am out with my family).” (This from a man who complained daily about how much he hated his job, all of a sudden he was all about it)
“I’m not having an affair, I’m not leaving you for another woman you just spend to much time and money on the kids, you can’t keep the house clean enough and you don’t like anything that I like. I love you but I’m not in love with you.”
“It just happened, I didn’t mean to fall in love with someone else. The OW and I just love each other so much and we just couldn’t help ourselves.”
I didn’t really believe the lies, I just shackled my little heart out (I just didn’t want to believe he would cheat again).
I mean “spackled” my little heart out!
Oh hey, you were suddenly a terrible housekeeper, too?!
Ooh, I resented that one. I work full time in a professional career, making 70-80% of our combined income, while he works retail (never finished college) 35 hours a week, but I’m supposed to do all the housework? Lol, no. At least there’s much less housework to do now that the household is just me and the cat.
One very cold winter night, Ex simply never came home from work. I repeatedly dialed his cell phone but it went straight to voice mail. I was so worried about him thinking his truck may have gone off the road somewhere in the snow. Kept calling till about 10 or 11 at night, then thought maybe I should call in a missing persons report – except, since he was ‘self employed’ there was no one I could call to see e.g. what time did he leave work? Finally I went to sleep, after dialing a few more times, terribly worried. Still went straight to voice mail.
About 8:30 the next morning (a Saturday), I heard his key in the front door, and ran out there to see him walking in, smiling, and I hugged him, so happy to see he was safe and sound then I asked, “where WERE YOU??? I was so worried!” Smiling, he said, he’d stopped at a bar on the north side of town (something he’d never said or done before) and that he “had too many beers,” (he’d always been able to hold his alcohol just fine), then when he got back to his truck he “realized he was too drunk to drive home.”
Chumpy me asked imploringly, “Why didn’t you call me? why didn’t you answer when I called?”
Cheating Ex: “Oh. I was so drunk that I dropped my phone on the floor of the truck and then just fell asleep.” (the entire, cold, winter night, on the busiest street downtown where surely a cop would have seen him “sleeping in his truck.”
Me: “Oh thank god you are okay!! [hugging him happily].
Voice of reason: “Wait a minute. The Asshole could have called you from the bar. And certainly he could have called you in the morning on his way home {“oh but his phone died”} Oh but he had a charger in his truck at all times. AND in those days there still were pay phones! I mean Seriously!”
And years later… after finding out he was a serial cheater I realize:
He never apologized for staying out all night without telling me nor for causing me to worry about his safety.
There was a kernel of truth in his story in that the “north side of town” in our city is the well known place where all the strip clubs are located.
lightbulb moment, even after the fact.
Isn’t it amazing how easily chumps give our spouses the benefit of the doubt? Using just the slightest hint of plausibility, we will believe anything that comes out of the cheater’s mouth.
Isn’t it also amazing how the cheaters doubt everything chumps say as completely unbelievable? “Hey honey, isn’t the sky an amazing color of blue today?” … “What the hell are you babbling about? That’s not ‘blue’. Where the hell do you come up with ‘blue’? Are you sure you’re not color blind? When’s the last time you had your eyes checked? Show me how you could possibly interpret that as ‘blue’.“
ha ha, nailed it betrayednomore.
Mine would have to be after I found out about his first (?) affair 35 years ago and STBX said to me after I agreed to give him a second chance:
“I will never hurt you again.”
Found out just before last Christmas he’s been going to strip clubs and getting lap dances for years when he’s out of town. Lied when confronted and I got a lot of “I don’t remember ” when asked specific questions. Deal breaker. I filed.
I can’t decided which lie is my cheating wife’s best…
Big lie #1: About 20 years ago, she started going out to the “gay” bars because the “girls” were so much fun to hang out with. One of those nights her friend’s car got towed and she couldn’t get home until 5am.
Big lie #2: About 15 years ago, her high-school/college boyfriend (the one with the “open” marriage) contacted her and he started hanging-out at the house whenever he was driving through town. This was the same guy who she claims treated her like shit when they dated. However, he can do a swirly-thing with his tongue that is absolutely irresistible. Of course, when I found their emails – that’s as far as it ever went – they never actually did anything.
Big lie #3: Now approaching three years ago – my first D-day… I was using her computer and found a photo of her naked and tied-up in ribbon. It was just a sexy-photo she posted to a facebook group where they rate each other’s sexy pictures. That’s all. There wasn’t any one person. And she was debating whether she would send it to me eventually since we hadn’t had sex in a year and a half. And I was “always” in a bad mood. And I didn’t seem “approachable.” And… And… And…
Big lie #4: D-day #2 (always the worst) she bricked her phone and I (relegated as the family’s technical support staff) fix it and back it up. I discover an audio/video recording of her masturbating and telling her twu-lurve just how much she wants him, where she wants him, and how hard she wants him. Mind you, she has never described her sexual desires to me – I’ve always had to guess. Of course, she only did this once. And it was a long time ago. And it was only an audio recording.
Big lie #5: I also discovered thousands of texts to this one number. It was her friend in another city. She begged me not to call the number because it would be humiliating to have to explain to her friend why I was calling.
Big lie #6: Finally I start following clues carefully laid out before me (evidently I need a giant neon sign, “SHE’S A FUCKING CHEATER!!!”) and start playing marriage detective; WHOOPSIE! There are thousands of twu-luvvy-duvvy sexts over the course of a year and hundreds of photos saved on her phone. It was only long-distance. She swears!
Yeah, because it being only long-distance betrayal means it wouldn’t count!
It’s actually kind of amazing how their lies get more and more weird as they get more and more desperate to preserve their cake-eating lifestyle.
Yes we all needed that neon sign! So many clues but I totally missed them too. When you trust someone you trust them and get on with your life so it’s really hard to accept that you can’t trust them with your heart. It’s hard to take though 🙁
I just heard a piece on npr where they said that liars find it easier to lie the more they do it. Grrrrrrrr.
I found his Adult Friend Finder account. He had logged in on my computer, and his favorite profiles were saved. He had (according to his profile) visited them recently, and regularly. His profile pic was even recent. I made him come home from work, ASAP. He told me, “I was just curious, because I’d heard people talk about it.” Then he got mad and did a butt-hurt, “I’m going to go, because you don’t trust me,” DARVO bullshit. Me: apologized profusely, and paid for us – and him – to move to Atlanta. *headdesk*
Oh man, reading all of these is bringing back some great memories. I forgot one of the best.
When I caught him getting texts from some woman off one of those sex hook up sites, first he tried to tell me his phone must have been hacked (as there were back and forth between him and her), when I didn’t buy that story he then said it was a site he visited before we were married and he was now being blackmailed by this person, was pretty sure he was under surveillance and had been for several years by these people, and how he was trying to figure out how to deal with the blackmail before telling me. I mean he really sold this tale of intrigue like something out of a Tom Clancy novel. And he did it all with a straight face. At the time I knew it sounded ridiculous but I was so worn out at this point.
I look back at it now and I simply laugh my ass off. These cheaters really missed their calling as screen writers.
Of course I was told numerous lies, just like everyone else here. But one of the weirdest lies he told me was that gas was being syphoned off of his vehicle. Apparently he was using a lot of fuel to go visit schmoopie. I would have never noticed that he was buying extra fuel, so not really sure why he even brought it up.
They have to ‘prime the pump’ to create multiple plausible scenarios just in case.
??? True !
Dumbest lie I fell for was definitely the “I’m going to be working several turnaround shifts at work, so I’m just going to stay at a buddy’s house for a few days since he lives much closer to the plant.” But he wouldn’t give me the address where he was going to be…kept saying he didn’t know it, and he thought it would be weird to ask his friend for it because it would look like I didn’t trust him. Little did I know the affair with his coworker had been going on for two years by that point! In retrospect it was obvious she was starting to ask for more of his time, because he was gone more often and unreachable – he blamed it on increased security measures at work and not being allowed to use his phone when he was clocked in.
After we went to counseling for a year to recover from THAT affair, we went on vacation to the Grand Canyon. My ex grew up in Arizona (we lived in Texas), so while we were there, we met up with his old high school girlfriend and her husband for lunch, since the three of them had all grown up together, but hadn’t seen each other in 25 years.
6 weeks later, we were laying in bed late on a Saturday morning. We had been arguing a lot lately, and I asked him what he thought we should do. He blindsided me by telling me he wanted to move out for awhile, but he wanted to wait until his teenage kids went back home to their mom’s house the next day. I said no way – if he wanted out, I needed him to leave that day – I had zero ability to play happy family for even a day, knowing he didn’t want to be there. So he packed a few things and took his kids to a motel. Two days later, I checked the mail, and there was a T-Mobile phone bill in there in the high school girlfriend’s name, but with our address! I opened it, and it was for two phone lines…so I texted them both. My ex knew my number when it popped up and replied “how did you get this number?” The girlfriend responded “who is this?” I can only guess that since my ex was normally home during the day, he would have intercepted the phone bill if he hadn’t moved out! Turns out, the high school girlfriend had left her husband and 12 year old twins in Arizona and come out to Texas to shack up with my husband in the motel. He begged me to believe him that they hadn’t done anything, that she was just unhappy in her marriage and needed a friend to talk to. I said if that was true, she could have talked to both of us and maybe come to stay in our guestroom if she needed – but the secret phone lines and the moving out to the motel told me he was lying. I could go on and on and on about his lies (they never slept together, there was no chemistry, when she bought him a car because he got ours repo’d it was just because they were friends, etc.), but I’m quite sure you all have heard them all and worse! Oh, and the girlfriend filed a complaint with the USPS that I had illegally opened her mail when I opened the phone bill in her name that came to my house! It’s been 4 years since all this went down. Facebook tells me they are still together, but they’ve moved back to Arizona, He tried texting me as recently as 2 months ago – “hey sexy”. I still haven’t reached meh, but I am firmly in the realm of “ewww, GROSS”, and that’s close enough for me!
I found out he was cheating when I checked the mail and there was a T-Mobile phone bill in the mail in the high school girlfriend’s name. I opened the bill, and it was for two phone lines…but it had our address on it. I was so confused.
This is easy: “None of those other relationships worked out because they weren’t you.”
And he told me that months before I got involved with him. He loves the chase.
LOL, I’ll have to file that one away for when I start dating again… 😉
After I found that he had been to the OW’s house on two occasions for more than 2 hours at a time, I believed it when he said, “I just saw her while driving and we decided to go talk.”
Yeah, And I bought that for a MONTH!
Until I talked to the OW’s STBXH and he said, “I think they’re sleeping together and have been sleeping together for a long time.”
Yup. Turns out they’d been fucking in the third row of her Honda Pilot 3-4 times a week for over two years. In the parking lot of a golf resort!
Ouch.
Never even considered getting a room! SMH.
The biggest lie was repeated often “I’m not a monster”, not that I ever called him one…when people tell you who they are believe them.
Oh, crap. Mine said something creepily similar. And, yes — BELIEVE them.
Caught him deleting browsing history: “I must have accidentally done that when I was drunk”
Dating websites: “I was looking at erotic art (aka porn) and must have accidentally clicked on a pop up for AdultFriendFinder. I think those things automatically register you.”
“I was only on apartments.com because I don’t feel like you love me anymore and I need to be prepared.”
“I bought the airline ticket for my boss because his credit card wouldn’t work. He paid me back in cash and I spent it golfing with him.”
“I love you and would never hurt you.”
AND THE BEST ONE EVER!!!!!
“That was the tv, nobody is here. Yah, a female was on tv talking and when you heard me say ‘shhh’ that’s because I almost said ‘shit’ when I sat on the remote and muted the show”
May not qualify, since I never fell for it, but HE sure did:
“I TOLD you I had feelings for OW!”
Ummm, I’m PRETTY sure if the man I’d been married to suddenly came out and told me he had feelings for another woman, I would remember that…. No, asshole. Nice try, no cigar.
It was 26 years ago in the summer of 1991. It was a sunny Saturday. I was working that day and the plan was to go to a keg party after I got off work. He picked me up after work in the new car my father had bought me 9 months prior. He told me that he had gone to the keg party by himself for a little while before I got off work and that he had told the people there that we would be back. He did not appear to be intoxicated and I did not smell alcohol. When we got to the party, and I got out of the car, I noticed that the seat was badly stained. Standing on opposite sides of the car, I asked him, “What happened to the seat?” From the other side, he looked me in the eye and declared, “I threw up on it.” But he did not appear intoxicated. How could he have gotten so drunk and then gotten so sick as to vomit on the car seat? Did it really happen so quickly that he couldn’t have spared the new seat and made it outside of the car? How could he have recovered so quickly without even having red, watery eyes? How was it that he now appeared the picture of health despite a now-ruined car seat, supposedly from him vomiting? There would have been no other explanation for him throwing up other than drinking – there was no food poisoning, no stomach virus, no other health issue. How was it that he could drink at the party as though he had not just been sick from drinking? Well, he said the car seat was ruined by him vomiting, so it must be true.
Fast forward 24 years later, to February 2015. We have another new car; it is six months old. One day, I notice that the seat is stained in a way that can only be explained by sex. My first thought is, “The car seat that got stained 24 years ago was stained by vomit, but this car seat looks like it was stained by sex.” It was then that I realized that the stain from 24 years prior was also sex, and not vomit.
I believed we were reconciling for a year even though he always found some reason why we couldn’t have sex.We trooped around at weekends looking at houses until eventually we found one and then suddenly he had trouble getting out of his lease.But he was definitely moving the next month!, except no sign of packing was happening- i kept offering to come over and help him. I was so so so so dumb. And then there were bushfires, and I rang and asked for help to evacuate the pets- and he turned up with the Crazy Cop, so that we could have the mother of all Ddays in public with the neighbours watching and the hills on fire. So now i live ina house that i wouldn’t have bought for just me and our daughters ( it was my money for the deposit).But at least it didn’t catch fire! thank you to the CFA firefighters!
None were that huge, but there were plenty of lies:
–“My mom has 2 cell phone numbers, and I am texting her at 11 PM or later. ” I don’t know why I believed that one, his mom was not tech savvy.
–“I am staying at a hotel in town to study for my exam” Nope, he left town to spend the night with OW number 3 or 4, not even sure which one that was.
–“I have a job coach who is mentoring me.” Again, texting with an OW and lying to cover it up–and again, texting with her after 11 PM and after I went to bed.
–“I am going to (name of large town 3 hours away) for a political rally.” Going to see OW number 4 or 5…and I looked up the date of the rally online. Caught him in that lie and he made up another lie to cover for it.
He even got me involved in some of his lies with his coworkers. I am glad that I don’t have to be involved with that crap now.
We lived in a large apt complex. My husband told me he was going to change the plug wires in our SUV. It was about 2 hours later I decided to take our other vehicle to the grocery store. I walked out to the garage to ask him if he needed anything. Here he is on a cell phone, I didn’t know he had, having a sweet conversation with someone.. He saw me and his jaw dropped. I asked who he was talking to. he said he had found a phone and was calling numbers on the phone to contact the owner. I waited 2 days searched the garage. Found a cell phone on a charger hidden. I took dirty water out of the toilet in a bucket. I dropped the phone in the bucket and left it in the garage. Never heard a word out of him.
I love your style, Yooper!
God, there are so many. The two that stand out are:
1. After DDay #1 (which I discovered because Idiot didn’t realize I could see his texts on *the cellphone plan I paid for*), I examined his text and call history like a hawk. All those odd numbers in weird locations? No idea what they were or where they were from. His explanation: his phone got hacked. Being a technology neophyte (and a chump), I believed him. But when these random numbers kept showing up month after month and he hadn’t talked to our cellphone provider about this, I did. The phone guy told me there was no way that was possible. And still I believed Idiot (God, spackle much?). The only thing that worked was getting a whole new phone number. Imagine that!
2. After DDay 1,000,000, when an argument over a Christmas tree ornament caused him to ghost me for two days and not come home, I believed him when he said that it was because he was so despondent because “nothing would ever change” in our relationship (read: this is all your fault). No, I guess it wouldn’t change as long as you were a lying, cheating piece of shit, now would it?
God I was so stupid…
I forgot these lies…..
Ex was getting tested for STDs but told me he was getting tested for a bleeding ulcer.
And he took me to the restaurant where his whore worked as a server for our wedding anniversary.
Full on sociopath.
Wow. The thrill some of these cheaters get from introducing their spouses to APs is chilling.
Yeah. My stbx had me come pick up new car he bought in his name – but said it was for me. I always felt weird about it – thinking this is not really for me…. All of the women at his work were always nice – except this new one he had talked about. Very creepy feeling I got. She looked at me. No smile. Just weird. Later I realized he was playing his game. They are living together in expensive house expecting a baby now.
After I filed I made him mad one day as I didn’t let him bully me – forgot over what – bullying and threats are his MO.
He said he was coming to take the car from me. I was like – divorce papers are filed – you aren’t taking anything.
Well, he still came and took stuff out of the garage…. all sneaky like, of course.
But come on – I drive to work and take our daughter to school miles away and he’s going to take the car.
To try and control me.
Creep
What his OW half his age fails to realize – is all the nasty evil things he does to me and our daughter – someday she will be on the receiving end of.
She’s not that special because he cannot care. He is incapable. He said so in old journal I found. He can only use people. They are objects to use.
The only feelings they enjoy are sick ones from introducing wife and OW – and stupid shit like that…. putting one over on people at work.. scamming….. things that people with integrity and a conscience can’t do.
My asshat got me a job working with him … and his OW … right after I gave birth to our second child. And he regularly took me to the store where another one of his OWs worked (while I was pregnant). Those are the only two I’m certain of. Given the brazenness with which he did this, I have to assume there were many more across our more than two decades of marriage.
So humiliating — and absolutely infuriating.
My cheater took me to dinner at the restaurant of the resort he used to park and meet the OW to fuck in the third row of her Honda Pilot in the parking lot 3-4 x a week.
Told me it didn’t cross his mind when he brought me there.
At least I didn’t believe that. Guess I should be thankful he used the gift certificate for dinner on me.
Barf.
Dear Chump Lady,
Over 300 posts today and growing.
Chumps all over the world feel a little better today by outpouring our hearts to another chum who understands, who gets it how a cheater can knock them down.
With a little help from each other, we pick ourself up, wipe the shit off our feet and tomorrow, together, we try to make it a better day!
Thank you, hope you have a happy week-end. You certainly deserve it!
❤from his little corner of Chump World.
(I wish I knew better words to say THANK YOU for the difference you make in a Chump’s life)!
Correction. From “this” little corner, definitely NOT “his”
There are so many, it is hard to pick just one. How about “I need to change the locks on the rental house that we are trying to sell because the lock isn’t working right”.
Real reason: he didn’t want me to have access to the fuck-pad where he had put up the slip puppet for the two months it was on the market.
Followed by the following after I heard through Facebook they were going on tour for three months: it’s not three months it’s three weeks. We aren’t together, it’s all about the music. I need $5000 to get my guitars out of the pawn shop.”
They were gone for three months, driving the car I paid for and staying in motels and eating off the money I “loaned” him.
He insisted they weren’t together the day I served him with divorce papers and the day he finally got himself and his mom out of my house. A month after that, she is knocked up (even though he claimed he couldn’t have kids, when I was sobbing that he took away my remaining fertile years) and they were living together. Shocker.
When I found a couple of pairs of women’s underwear (not mine and not his size) in his work bag – one pair wrapped up in a pair of his underwear, and one pair tucked inside one of his socks – he said, “I found them on my windshield, stuffed under the wiper. I should have done something with them but I didn’t.” That was the one and only time I had EVER looked in his bag.
When I found a Lavalife dating profile fitting his description to a “T” open on our shared computer, he said he had never seen it before and had no clue how it had appeared on our computer (this was back in 2003 before we each had our own laptops). When I found it the second time, he confessed.
Quite honestly, I don’t think I technically “fell” for these lies – I just couldn’t / didn’t want to believe what they really meant.
I opened my card on Christmas Eve and it was the plainest card ever. Ex would give me “For my wonderful wife” cards (makes me want to hurl now). I looked at him and asked what was going on. He told me that he must have given my card to their elderly secretary by mistake since he was in a hurry. So I said that you signed and put her name on a card that said “Merry Christmas to my wife”? Right there and then, I knew. I went to the bathroom and prayed, “Please give me the courage to leave him”. I threw him out the next day and have never looked back. Technically, I guess I didn’t fall for it but I couldn’t believe he thought I would believe him.
Ha, the card. On my birthday 6 months after we were married, he had to drop me off at Menards suddenly so he could “wash his car.” I tried to call him and couldn’t get through. He finally came back to pick me up but the car wasn’t washed. I burst into tears on the way home because I knew.
Then he gave me my birthday card. Inside, the card read “happy anniversary”. He wrote that he hoped the next 6 months would be better or some drivel. Implying that the problem was me. In fact, it was the slut puppet and the harem members. He couldn’t even be bothered to read the two words written inside the card. That is how much he cared.
stbx when confronted with her affairs, and me filing divorce, she started trying to accuse me of having an affair. She said since it was so fast for me to end it, who was i seeing?
I just laughed, and then told her it wasn’t so fast, it had been the whole 3 months I was waiting for her to turn back to the marriage.
He lied by omission-he said he’s divorced and never remarried ! “Hey dumbass ! In that case,you may want to remove your wedding date from your Facebook timeline !” Wife #1 left his abusive ass and married a nice Christian man. His daughters have not befriended him on Facebook and the oldest even posted on a friend’s blog about growing up under and overcoming his abuse. She was careful not to mention his name (Australian defamation laws and all I’m guessing). What a kak head !
“I’m in charge of the overnight systems installation so I have to be at the hospital all night. Actually there will be a series of installations, so….”
Vs.
“I’m going to Howaii. I…all the work I’ve been doing at work–all those overnights and stuff–suuuper stressful. I need to just hike? And stuff? And, like, clear my head. If, you know, if you want to go that’s fine. The kids’ll be fine on their own and I’m sure your work won’t mind you taking off at the last minute and I will not be a majorly pissy asshole the whole trip, so if you wanna come…. No? I’m totally going there to be by myself. That’s cool. Ok, well, I’ll see you guys when I get back from Howaii where I am going all alone not, say, with some dumb twat I found on Facebook.”
(Please forgive me for posting this twice. I put it in yesterday’s comments by mistake.)
This thread is so mind blowing! So many lies!
Here’s my contribution, in the form of actual text conversations between my x and the OW, and between him and me.
Cheater to OW: Can you watch the game at 3:30?
OW to cheater: Yes, definitely
Cheater to OW: Is your house ok? If the game gets boring we can always play doctor and nurse.
OW to cheater: Yes, definitely
Cheater to OW: I’ll be the nurse. LOL. What is your favorite chardonnay?
OW to cheater: You can never go wrong with Ferrari Carano Chateau, La Crema Frei Brothers Reserve (it’s buttery!)
Cheater to OW: Ok. How do you feel about some sushi to snack on also?
OW to cheater: Yes, perfect. If you can find a Dragon Roll…I love them
Cheater to OW: OK I will look just for you. Hopefully it’s like Cialis.
OW to cheater: Do you want me to pick you up? Just finishing up things at office. Can’t wait to see you.
Cheater to OW: Yes that would be fantastic. Text me when you’re leaving.
Cheater to me: I’m going to watch the game tonight with Rich and Mark. I’ll grab something to eat and be home after.
Me to cheater: OK sounds good. Tell Rich and Mark I said hi.
Me to cheater: By the way, daughter and I will be watching “The Returned” unless you have any strenuous objections.
Cheater to me: Can’t u watch something else?
Me to cheater: I suppose we could. But you are the one deserting us.
Cheater to me: Whatever
We had been watching the French series “The Returned” as a family and really enjoying it. The cheater wanted daughter and me to wait to watch it until he got home from screwing his mistress.
LOL! I just remembered that was one of the things Cheater said showed him that I “didn’t love him anyway so [he] thought I wouldn’t even care if [he] was cheating!”
Cheater works high-end retail so his hours could range from 9-12 to start and 6-10pm to end, Sat through Wed. He would lose.his.shit if we watched ahead by any amount of time. We didn’t appreciate him working and were flaunting our ability to watch more than he did. ?? NEVERMIND that he usually just came home and played video games anyway.
Him: You don’t love me anyway so I didn’t think you’d even CARE that I was cheating!
Me: WHAT? If you didn’t think I’d care then why did you hide it?
Him: Because you’d just use it against me, like right now!
Me: … ::dumbfounded:: So what made you think I didn’t love you?
Him: You watched ahead on shows and you KNOW I don’t like that!
Apparently, we were only supposed to watch shows he didn’t like when he was working. If we really loved him, we’d not watch shows he likes until Thursday and Friday evenings, IF he volunteered to not play video games and do live chat at those times, that is. If I asked, he’d say it fucked up his days off and be all “Thanksalot for trying to change the plan last minute; I only have two days off and you had to go and ruin them by being a nag.” He would then often watch the Liked Show but be an absolute asshole about it… like he was doing me a favor.
This all shows how much I didn’t love him. ::eyeroll::
They are such fucking entitled BABIES!
Why, if he so wanted to be with his ex, did he divorce her? Why do these bastards always find devoted partners that would not only take care of their children but also take lectures from grandmothers of their ex-es. Kiwi, my blood boiled when I read this but I also know I would have been the same. Politely taken the lecture of an elderly woman on how to raise the child of my cheater and his ex. This is so ridiculous and yet it’s the life we have to live and the lessons to learn.
Kiwi, I am so glad you didn’t do what you wanted. I love reading your posts and always look out for you.
Hugs
This comment was gor kiwichump. Went to the wrong place.
“I love you,” was definitely a lie. Also, he lied about why he refused to have sex with me, kiss me, cuddle me, hug me, spend time with me (he always chose to run errands, or to visit “the boys next door” – a father-son sporadically employed alcoholic clusterfuck). What reasons did he give me for not doing any of those activities with me that so many other couples take for granted? He told me in many ways that everything I did never measured up in his sight. Until I learned to “pick up the slack”, how could he say kind things to me, kiss me, etc. “I can’t sleep with you because I don’t like the way that material feels” (he said this of my lingerie). “Were you raised in a barn?! Look at the way Mommy’s holding her fork!” (This began happening one evening at supper with our children, and continued every night for three weeks.) I stood up for myself, told him to stop bullying me and pay attention to his own meal. Nothing stopped him – except me and my children getting away! Unfortunately, he gets them 50% of the time. When my (then) five year old son asked me why I left Daddy, I told him that Daddy said mean things to me, did mean things to me, lied to me, and broke his marriage promises to me. I said that Daddy chose to keep hurting me, even after I told him to stop. With some exasperation, my son asked, Why didn’t you just ignore him?” I replied, “I did that for years, and it didn’t work. When someone chooses to keep hurting you after you tell them to stop, you must leave to protect yourself.” I hope my children learn that lesson from this mess, if nothing else.
Mighty, you sound like an amazing mom. Your ex and mine sound similar. I’m still struggling to figure out why I didn’t recognize how awful it had gotten and act preemptively. I think it’s important to do what you’re doing with your son – kids need to hear specifically what the values and principles are (especially when the ex is so deeply flawed).
Roaring, thank you! It means a great deal to me that you replied. This past couple of years has been so bloody hard. So hard. I often feel like an inadequate mom because of all the devaluing I experienced from my ex. Thank you for the positive reinforcement! ?
DD#1: I had gone solo backpacking because he was “too busy” to take the weekend off. I had a gear issue and had to come home early. In the laundry room, next to our shoes, was a pair of boots I had loaned a “good friend” the money to buy.
When I was met in the kitchen by Fucktard wearing jeans and no shirt, and looking disheveled, I asked him what “Friend” was doing at our house? “Oh, we were watching a football game on TV.” She came out of the bathroom all innocent – if a little out of breath.
No surprise – It later turned out that yes, I had interrupted them doing the nasty in my bed, but boy did I want to believe in that football game!
As it turns out, my ex has a porn addiction. (So he claims, and it might be true; but I think there is a metric tonne of fury and repression there. The very few times he deigned to have sex with me were expressly to get me pregnant. He made it clear that he was disgusted by doing this thing with me. He roughly pushed my hands away. I was not permitted to touch him. “Do you want me to do this, or not?” he threatened. He pushed my limbs as far from him as he could, turned me away from him, and got it over with as quickly as he could. Thankfully, I was tracking my cycles, and only had to endure his disgust once to get my beautiful daughter, and once to get my beautiful son.)
That’s just awful MightyFledging. What a cold, manipulative disordered man. Glad you got away with your beautiful children.
Thanks, kiwichump! The thing is, if you met him, you’d likely think he was the nicest guy with the warmest personality. Everybody likes him. It kept me quiet for years – I was convinced no one would believe me. I could scarcely believe it myself sometimes, the contrast between public ex and private ex was so monstrous. Mega-mindfuck! The thing is, before we married, he told me he wanted children! I guess he didn’t think about the part that he had to have sex with me (or any woman!) to get them.
Reading CL’s blog and all the comments has been one of my favourite things to do for three or four years now. Anything I’ve done well in my situation, I owe to ChumpLady and the amazing people of ChumpNation. Thanks, everyone! I still have a long (long, long, long …) way to go, but I know my kids and I will make it – in no small part due to the support here!
You rock. That is all.
Well, except for this. I sincerely hope you realize what a strong woman you are.
He told me they did not have an affair: “She is a nice, respectable woman, she does not want to be with a married man”. But since I inisted, being such a jealous an suspicious woman as I was, he would stop having contact with her (she was a masseuse and he used to take massages at her one-woman studio, because of pain in his back.)Then he drove 6 hours to her holyday villa, where she was at the time. After first lying about where he had been, I later found out, and he then said he thought he needed to tell her face to face that he could not see her any more. And that he had only taken a cup of coffee there. And – oh – slept the night there (in a separate bedroom of course!) and then driven home early the next day. “But you say you two did not have an affair?” “Yes, we did not”. “So what did you have to tell her in person for then?” He looked completely dumbfounded and could not find any answer. Still I kind of could not believe he was such a cheater as it turned out he was. I was really, really chumpy!!
Oh I’m just sleeping on the airport floor over Xmas (for 3 days!). A hotel is too expensive. Me feeling so bad for him I was sending him I love yous and hang in theres he and his OW were laughing at.
Oh and begging him to come home to spend Xmas with his family. But he was ‘fine’ at the airport.
I can’t say that I completely fell for this lie, but I did defend myself, which is close enough. The Asshole told me that he was fucking his secretary because there were crumbs in my car and my makeup drawer was messy. I defended my makeup drawer (it was always neat) and the crumbs in my car. I mean really–I actually bothered to defend myself. Can you believe it? I give myself a head slap every time I think about it.
I was trying to refrain from commenting again so I am not being a comment hog…but SuzyQ…I don’t even know what to say.
“The Asshole told me that he was fucking his secretary because there were crumbs in my car and my makeup drawer was messy.”
What the….Where in the….Who the fuck….What in the hell?
It is just beyond any sliver of sanity. I wonder when he said that…did he think: This will really fuck with her? Or in his worm brain…he spent time seething about your make up drawer?
I will never forget that one, SuzyQ. I think he needs spend the rest of his days locked in cage, far away from actual humans.
Mine said among other things, it was because of the state of the garden and he didn’t have the pristine neatness of a mowed lawn, he felt emasculated… I wonder how he would have felt if I’d shredded his dick with a lawnmowing. Hmmmhh…
Lol. My stbx stormed through the house yelling about the mess!!!
I texted a picture of the living room to my friend of the neat house with the ‘mess’ being his crap lying around.
Losers.
Butterbean,
Thank you for your reply. I haven’t told friends or family about the extent of his adultery or his lies. I am too embarrassed to admit that I have been married to such a horrible human being for so many years. I was the queen of sparkle. Your words make me feel so much better.
Suzy Q
That makes me think of this lie!
“I was attracted to her because you don’t like guns and wouldn’t let me keep a gun in the house.”
Uh huh.
Let me tell you all, I thank God Almighty that he didn’t keep guns in my house the day I found out.
And so should he.
Stacey- Say it Again!
So many times I have murmured a prayerful gratitude to God/Spirit/Energy for me not having a gun when everything was crashing down. My life would be very different now, and his would be over.
All of his really, really stupid lies came during divorce proceedings. I’ll just give one: after D-Day, he left himself logged into Facebook on our daughter’s computer. I took advantage of that opportunity to post from his account, tag the OW, and call her a whore. Not very mature of me, but I regret nothing ;-). He made a huge deal about this and how he would NEVER EVER invade my privacy on Facebook like that because he’s so much better than me.
A few weeks later, he gave me a stack of divorce paperwork, but accidentally mixed in something he didn’t mean to: a photograph of my Facebook page open on a computer. Not a screenshot, a photograph. I confronted him with it. “What’s that you said about how you would never invade my privacy on Facebook?”
“I didn’t take that, someone else did and gave it to me.”
I spent the next several weeks feeling paranoid. Like I said, it was a photograph, not a screenshot, so either someone else was in my apartment or someone hacked my FB account and then took the picture. I even pulled up my FB login history to see if my FB had been logged into from any unusual locations (it hadn’t). So it had to have been taken in my apartment. I had a hard time sleeping, wondering who he’d gotten to creep through my apartment.
Dumbass admitted weeks later that he took the picture. And of course he did. The only reason I ever thought it could have been someone else was that I didn’t think he was stupid enough to tell a lie that would be far, far worse than the truth. How is “I get other people to rifle through your apartment and spy on you” less of an invasion of privacy than, “I creeped your FB page and took pictures while I was in your apartment”?
I actually printed out his confession next to the words, “Do you know how you know he’s lying? HIS MOUTH IS MOVING” as a reminder to myself not to believe a damn word he says. He didn’t like that our daughter could see it and I told him to go fuck himself, it was his own damn fault.
Haven’t read the entire comments yet but I wondered how many of you got the moving out to work on myself bullshit? Raise your hands?
The worst? I think I gave him the idea. At any rate exasshole did the “I need to go to therapy to work on myself and I need to do this before we can work on our relationship”. Next up; “I need $5K to furnish my apartment” Next up: not paying a single dollar on ‘our’ house bills during this time. Next up; realizing I was a stellar chump, he just wanted to have security of remaining married while he fucked around. What happened after a couple of months when I realized what was up doesn’t belong in this post.
Oh yeah, almost forgot, he started telling me I needed therapy and suddenly he was accusing me of being controlling and abusive. HEY, can we do a post on the crazy things cheaters say to prove you are a controlling abuser? Saddam went all the way on that one, he managed to get me arrested when he attacked me and I called the cops. NOT fun times.
Yes DatDam. All of the above (except the cops).
Oh Yes, “I need to find myself” “I’m lost” bullshit!
That his “past,” meaning his ex-girlfriend, was really his past….um, apparently she was the third person in our marriage the whole time!
Ding, Ding, Ding……Winner here. Moving out to work on himself so he could come home happy. Missed the spelling…should have been “cum” home. And the x-girlfriend being the 3rd person the whole time. Yep, that was Haggar the Whoreable.
I found a condom packet in the car that me and my STBX shared. He said it’s not mine we don’t use condoms. I was about 10 weeks pregnant with our second child at the time. Currently 30 weeks pregnant with same child. He said it was one of his new work friends. He was using the fact that I was feeling sick and tired in my 1st trimester to go out and f**k a 19 year old he had met the previous month at work.
The biggest mindf**k of them all though was the eternity ring he brought me for Christmas. About 10 days later he left me for the 19 year old. Stating that his new love with something he “never thought possible”.
I’m so sorry Pregnant Chump, I think there is a special place in Hell for those that cheat on pregnant chumps. It’s just horrendous! And for a 19yr old? just ugh!!
Stay strong, so glad you found this site to help you! We are here for you!
Wow pregnant chump, that’s awful .. just when you thought you heard the worst. There’s another story to top that. I hope that you have people around you to support you because I know how difficult it is to being pregnant much less having to deal with all that you going through at the same time.
The hardest thing to reconcile in my mind when I was trying to stay with the cheater was how a “nice” person could change into a pathological lying demon while cheating, then turn back into a nice person, on a dime after the cheating ended.
I’ve come to the conclusion that they CAN’T. They really were that demonic turd all along. They will not be Better for the next person, no matter what they and others try to make you think. Once you see the true nastiness inside, it can’t be unseen. That’s why reconciliation will not work.
Amen, Anita. STBX claims that he is both the good person and the person with demons. No truly nice person would ever allow a demon to take over in this way. The hard thing is basically dealing with the death of this nice person you thought you knew. As long as that demon is in there, you are correct – there is no possible way to reconcile…at least not without sacrificing a huge part of yourself.
Yes! I didn’t see the narcissistic selfish person I was married to until I discovered his long term affair with a woman who had been in my home, at my children’s birthday parties etc. He was never a good person. He even admitted that. And yeah he was right there is something broken inside of him that he tired to hid. He succeeded for many many years to hide but Now I see him.
Lifeafterheartbreak, you really can never unsee it, can you?
Oh yes! I got the classic one of the condom. A long time ago I was so naive & kind of a moron that I believed everything he said. Mr.travelcheaterpants came from a trip a condom was missing from my bathroom since I always tried to keep them to avoid getting pregnant again.
Me: “There is a condom missing??”
Him: ” Oh yes! I took one to mastubate since I am traveling & I missed you and your mom was visiting us!! ( Like she can see thru the walls)
Not aware of this as DD1 (me in
lalaland)
another one years ago
Me: Mr. travelCheaters pants there is a transaction for FTD flowers in our account?
Him: ” Oh! That was for one of our clients from the sales department by mistake I used our CC instead of the corporate card but my boss will let me put it on the expense report.
That day the “marriage patrol” was created but thank God the marriage patrol officer will retire on April since the MSA is almost done & divorce will be final. One of my petition: I want to be alone that day @ do not want to see him at the court house. Too much gaslighting if we tell all the stories we can create a book as thick as a phonebook.
I was outside blowing leaves. I came in the house and found him naked in bed on his cell phone. As soon as he saw me he locked his phone, put it down and said “I was cold so I got in bed”.
I knew he was having phone sex.
I spackled, told myself he was a good man and he would never hurt his family. I lied to myself, but I never believed me. Not really.
“He’s just my gay friend.”
Which was a sequel to “he’s just my fitness coach.”
“It’s girls night out.”
“I love you.”
Yes heard that lie many times, he loves himself.
That he was sorry and going to be honest going forward. Barely a month later I find that he was trying to hide spending money from a personal account at some titty bar on a work trip in Germany (purposefully removing money from this specific account because I would be “mad” had he used the joint account, which he abused by taking cash out for prostitutes). He went with others (some of whom themselves had made it a habit of visiting prostitutes) and I had to explain to him why it was not good given the circumstances and that he could have excused himself from that part of the evening. SMDH!
What lie didn’t I fall for? Just found out my husband was meeting and having sex with strangers that he met online. 15 years of my life down the drain, thankful for our two babies but sad that I wasted such a huge part of my life on a complete asshole.
10 days after announcing that he wants a menage a trois with his ex, whose son we have Friday to Monday for the last 8 years. We have been arguing back and forth, because I’ve said it’s the worst thing he could do to us. I’ve closed the argument by saying I want us to go to MC, I’ll go to the GP for tests (hormonal and fibroid issues) after the holidays (this was my wonderful New Year 2015!) and “what do you want me to say? You want my blessing? You don’t have it, I don’t want you to do it (have sex with ex). This is the worst thing you could do, with the worst person you could do it with.” Couldn’t be clearer and he knows because he’s turned all nasty has called me a bitch and not a team player. He’s been making noise about going to CHCH to see his sons from his first wife, especially the 3rd boy whom he hasn’t seen in over a year. He wants to go for a few days, take a holiday. Fine, I say go at the weekend with son #4 who’s with us every weekend. No. “I want you to have time alone with him on the farm, it will be good for both of you”. We have another argument over my feelings for the boy, because once again he’s told me I love him like a mother and I’ve said no, I don’t because I don’t know what it’s like to have a child (I’ve had 9 miscarriages, 6 with traitor) and he has a mother. A child only has one mother, no matter what I think of her. So I’m a bitch and I “have filthy feelings” for the boy. So when he leaves to go to CHCH leaving me with him for 2 days and do all the farm work, I point out to the traitor that he doesn’t have to worry, his son will be safe with the bitch who has filthy feelings for him.
First day passes with boy, we have a great time together, farmwork goes great, no stress without hid dad, it’s much nicer! Strangely his dad rings but his mum who always rings him every day and must speak to him for at least 30 minutes because he is so unhappy here with us (aka me!) doesn’t ring…Second day, great, farm work then we spend the afternoon at my friend’s house with her daughter and 2 grand kids so all the kids can have a play. Back home, his mum rings but not his dad. Half and hour later Son number 1 rings from CHCH wanting to know if I know where dad is. I thought he was with you, dear boy! Well he was yesterday and we thought we were going to see him this afternoon, but no sign of him and we can’t reach him on his cell. So I assume dad must have got pissed at something they said and decided to drive back the second day and he’s on his way back. I try his cell multiple time, leave messages. Nothing. I assume he’s driving and out of cell range. We wait up until 10.30, then I put the boy to bed and think I’ll ring his mum to see if dad has stopped there on the way back. This is something that used to be normal since she lives on the way and it was usual for us to swing by and give the kids a rest or say hello. I get her on the phone and explain I am looking for the traitor, can’t reach him, his sons in CHCH are trying to reach him. “Maybe he’s staying at his brother’s in A…”, another place on the way. I say maybe, my blood is running cold, I have a really bad feeling. I go to bed anyway, nothing I can do. 15 minutes later the phone rings, it’s the traitor, playing the honesty card. ” I have to come clean, I am at D’s (his ex) and I’ve been here all afternoon. I am going to stay the night and do what I want”. Me: “You both realise I am here looking after your son.” and hang up.
I stayed with their son asleep in the next bedroom, awake all night, had breakfast together, drove him to meet his mother for handover. She started to apologise, I shut her up, said I had nothing to say to her my couple is none of her business. A week later I was at the GPs getting tests, because he had convinced me I was the problem, I was asexual, I had unbearable PMS, depression, trust issues, you name it. Never had been depressed in my life, even after 9 miscarriages. But a year later exactly, I was writing my suicide letter. Didn’t do it, thanks to Chump Lady and Chump Nation.
Kiwi – I’ve never heard this many details of the horrible story before. It’s shocking. I am so sorry you have been through this hell.
For some reason your X just pushes my buttons. When you tell a story of him my blood pressure rises. I must admit I have hate.
Glad you are doing better and here to tell the tale!
*For those offended by cursing, this is your warning!*
What a black-hearted, bilious bastard!! An absolute asshole! A precipitous pile of puke!! Cunt custard!! I am so angry at your ex, kiwichump, that I could cheerfully castrate him with the dullest butterknife – wearing surgical gloves, of course, I wouldn’t want to touch his whore-contaminated flesh. You deserve every good thing in life, kiwichump. You do NOT deserve any of his filthy treatment. And so bloody brazen!!! To leave you with his ex’s child! I’m sorry for all the losses you’ve experienced, kiwichump. I’m so glad you didn’t kill yourself. The world would have lost a stellar human being, and with all the fuckwits running around out there, we need all the good people we can get! Big hugs to you!!
Thank you KathleenK and MightyFledgling! I have trouble believing myself that they were both capable of doing something like this. I can understand that the traitor knew his son would be perfectly fine with me, no matter what happened, even though he now paints me as the devil. He knows perfectly well that’s not true. What I can understand, and never will, is how the boy’s mother could do this and leave her son with me. She always questioned how I looked after him, always complained I was too strict with him, complained to her family too. So I used to get lectured by her grandmother whom I also visited every week to help her out, on how to look after this little boy, and I listened politely out of respect for old age…Yet, behind my back, I was just the unpaid baby sitter for their little fuck parties. I look back at the last 10 years and there were many instances when the traitor went missing and probably was with her. I have a much harder time accepting that a mother can do this to her son and herself. It makes me nauseous. The way I describe it is that they pimped their son to take as much advantage of me as they could. They used my frustrated maternal instinct, which was very easy to do!
After DDay1 she and the traitor started complaining about my driving with the boy, saying I was unstable and dangerous, yet let me carry on picking him up after school and taking him swimming, for over a year. All the while painting me as this crazy old witch. I was also giving driving lessons to one of his older boys who came to stay with us, and driving another who also joined us from CHCH after getting his licence suspended and losing his job (I also got him a new job…). To me this is worse than the cheating. If he had cheated with a stranger, and not painted me as evil while using me as his butler/scullery maid/chauffeur, well… I’ve been in relationships with cheaters before. They have ended, painfully and bitterly at least for a while, but I can still have pleasant memories of them, about part of our time together at least.
With this lot (and I really mean more than one person was involved in that scam!), I just can’t stomach it. I haven’t seen the little boy I helped raise since April. They have to say I am evil to cover what they did. They now pretend I was awful to live with and after poor sad sausage escaped, they just happened to get back together. That’s what they’re peddling to the kids.
For you, the best part about this mess is that those boys know who is the terrible person, and it’s not you.
Thanks Soldiering On, but at the moment that’s not the case. The older boys told me they could see through their dad, but after he left, they all stopped talking to me. His SIL has told me he has poisoned them against me, which doesn’t surprise me. I don’t blame them, I used to believe everything he said too, although I was in my 40s when we met, with life experience, and he’s not my dad. So, of course they listen to him.
Why, if he so wanted to be with his ex, did he divorce her? Why do these bastards always find devoted partners that would not only take care of their children but also take lectures from grandmothers of their ex-es. Kiwi, my blood boiled when I read this but I also know I would have been the same. Politely taken the lecture of an elderly woman on how to raise the child of my cheater and his ex. This is so ridiculous and yet it’s the life we have to live and the lessons to learn.
Kiwi, I am so glad you didn’t do what you wanted. I love reading your posts and always look out for you.
Hugs
I have absolutely no idea why on an emotional level anyone would behave the way they did. I can only assume it has nothing to do with emotions and love, and a lot to do with money and exploitation. I can’t believe people who experience normal emotions could behave the way these people do, LongTimeChump, as you have experienced yourself with your cheater.
Truly despicable. I have always wanted to visit New Zealand, so I think we should organize a CN field trip there so we can all help “castrate the cheater with the dullest better knife.”
*butter*
That is so horrible, KiwiChump!!! Unbelievable what these cheaters will do, absolutely no morals whatsoever…
Cheater – 12 hours after returning from Chump mother’s ash scattering: “I do not want to be married. I love you like a family member. No, I am not having an affair! I do not find you attractive, physically, or emotionally.” An hour later, cheater looks like he is going to vomit and mutters: “This is so unfair to you.”
Chump: “Get out”
Cheater: “Can you help me find a place to stay?”
Chump: “Yes.” Chump helps him book hotel room near his work and, unbeknownst to Chump, skank.
Fast forward 2 months later, Chump finds out about skank. Calls hotel, gets invoice. 2 people check into hotel that Chump books for Cheater where he alleged that he downed a bottle of Jameson “Wondering what the Hell” he was doing! Debit charge shows he stopped at Bevmo, but Chump now believes the $35 was probably spent on a mid range bottle of Champers for toast with whore – now Wifetress!
Nokibble4u, so sorry, they really have no shame!
Sorry, terrible punctuation but this is upsetting…
Ugh…Kiwichump, I just read your story. How horrible! I’m glad you fought the urge to end your life. There were times when I felt like I couldn’t go on either. You’re worth so much more than a piece of shit. We all are. So grateful for CL and CN!
Hear, hear, Tracy deserves a medal, her own church (our Lady of the Chumps), for giving us this space and the freedom to speak out. Potty mouths and all. What I have learned from this site is that trust is still worthwhile. The traitor told me with a sneer that he had destroyed my faith in humanity. He doesn’t have that kind of superpower.
“What I have learned from this site is that trust is still worthwhile. The traitor told me with a sneer that he had destroyed my faith in humanity”. Cheaters would love to believe that, wouldn’t they? Evil bastards. And what’s with the sneers and smirks??
I think it’s like the supervillains in movies. They must be based on close observation of NPD sociopaths.
+1
+1
+100!!!
I wish I had one. My cheater was so so soooo convincing, I didn’t know what he was made of until 2 months after he moved out.
Oh, I have a couple. They are all related to the baby – he was taking the baby every other weekend.
This was not stupid on my part, it was heartbreaking for the poor kid.
Once he returned the baby smelling like perfume. He said he met the babysitter and her kid in the park. My sirens started ringing a few weeks later.
Another time he brought the baby dressed with different tights. He said he bought some clothes for him. Used and smaller??? That shit made no sense. If I remember correctly, it was this time when I contacted a PI.
Of course, there were some other times when he returned the baby freezing, with the blanket unused. Or times when he didn’t show up. This lack of care for our baby was speaking to me that his words do not match his actions.
Then the nonsense lies…I connected the dots. Eventually.
The whole charade went on for a year and a half of our marriage. I HAD NO F*ING IDEA!
How disgusting for him to have done that with your baby. It reminds me of something that happened w/my first husband, the first time I realized he was probably cheating. Our baby son was about 2 months old and I was still breast feeding him but I had to return to my fulltime job since H was an unemployed college student at the age of 36. So he volunteered to care for baby son while I went back to work. He was leaving baby son on the campus with an 18 year old girl that he was interested in, instead of watching him. I intuited what was up when out of the blue he wanted this 18 year old girl to come have dinner at our house and she showed up in a tight t shirt with no bra under it and my husband started at her chest the entire dinner while I cooked, served the food, and took care of baby and our older daughter. So not surprising a week or so later when I found the love poems he wrote to her and left laying around the house, I kicked him out. Stupidly I reconciled with him. And he cheated again three years later and I divorced him at that point.
“stared” not started.
Ah, TheMuse, I’m sending hugs to you.
My husband took 2 months off work to stay with our baby. What I found out much later, he brought a sitter to take care of his “little guy”, in front of our son.
Later he hired the same pro to babysit our child.
I’m so glad to be rid of him!
My wife was supposedly sober and in AA. She told me it was hard for her to not drink when I worked overnights ( a second job I had picked up since she was un employed) She then went on to completely fabricate an entirely non existent AA friend to attend meetings with, dinners with etc, while I was gone. This fake person came complete with name and background story. In reality she had resumed affair with OW, and they were going out to bars, drinking and doing coke.
Sorry, not very anonymous, I’m new at this, meant to use my screen name. I’ll get it
Thank you for fixing that
I am sorry you were conned by an addict/alcoholic. Know this- they are some of the best liars on earth. My father was an alcoholic and I remember speaking with his addiction psychiatrist.
He said, the old adage….How do you know an addict/drinker is lying? Their lips are moving…came from truth. He said even he had been tricked by them over the years.
Their whole life is a lie. That you were so selfless and honorable to work a second job shows you have wonderful qualities. As CL says, your stock will trade high.
Her lying to you and her commitment to drinking has no reflection on your worth. My father chose drinking over every relationship in his life. But if he had to be around someone else…it would be other hard core drinkers.
People who got “judgy” about him starting off the day with vodka were just not cool.
You, working TWO straight jobs, paying the bills, keeping the lights on…well, that is just not exciting enough for those disordered assholes.
FoolMeTwice, her behaviour was horrendous. My ex (haven’t thought of a nasty-funny name for him yet) staggered into the house soused to the gills on the night I started labouring to deliver my son. A week earlier, once I’d hit 37 weeks, I’d warned my ex that we were in the drop zone – the baby could come at any time. I told him to have no more than two beers and be home by midnight. (I knew it was no good asking him to stay home entirely). So, I’m labouring in the living room when the door creaks open. In walks ex, with a big, sloppy, clueless grin plastered on his face. He’s so drunk he can’t walk straight. I greet him with, “Hi, there. I’m in labour.” He smacks his forehead with his palm, groans, “Oh, not tonight!”, then crawls upstairs to sleep it off. I could feel my labour slow right down. I had to address this or else I knew my labour would stall out. I crawled up the stairs, stopping every so often to breathe through a contraction. When I got to his bedside, I jabbed him awake, and with carefully worded yet furious “I-statements”, I let him know exactly how badly he had screwed up and disappointed me. Then I went downstairs, and my son was born safely, with professional help, some five hours later. By that time, ex was up and smiling. Gotta maintain the image in front of other people!
The “I-statements” were from the years of therapy I’d undergone, trying to fix myself so my then-husband would love me. ?
Mine told me that the pretty and very young woman he was spotted with by my best friend was an old co-worker, looking twenty in her forties. He was seen talking with her for 20 minutes, but he couldn’t remember her name or anything else related to her. He was talking to her only about our kids. Then I knew that something is really odd.
That the empty condom wrapper my then 2 year old found was nothing to worry about. Dickwad was just at home, by himself that day (son was at daycare all day) and used it by himself (we were married for 4 years and didn’t use condoms). I confronted him and actually felt bad for him because I felt I was embarrassing him because he must have been experimenting by himself, or so I thought. Because he would never lie and cheat on his family, right?? Lol I completely let it go and trusted his word. Fast forward 7 years and this time I have documented proof he is cheating. Took me 1.5 years to file but I did. Been divorced 3.5 years and will never go back to that chaos and manipulation. Left a cheater and gained a life. 🙂
This one blog makes the Internet worthwhile. It is a phenomenon and I hope can change lives.
Also I hope that at some point we will stop having no-fault divorces. Someone is always at fault.
I want very much for this book to be open to high school students. I would love to see a class in college talk about this blog and Tracy’s books. There is nothing more demeaning and degrading than to be told you are worthless. That is what being cheated on feels like. It has not happened to me but I watched my brother and I know what he went through.
I found Tracy simply by accident after reading her on Huffington Post. When I first began reading the blog I was startled at the amount of vicious energy it takes to harm another human being. I was educated in this field and have worked in this field but I had no idea the amount of true agony that was in so many households.
My paternal grandmother was the most soft-spoken, churchgoing woman you would ever meet. She was in church every time the doors opened. She was also the most vicious person I know. She never raised her voice, she never used to curse words, but she skewered her children. We were expected to have Sunday lunch with her and my grandfather every Sunday after church. I was never comfortable around her. I could not explain it as a child but I picked up something about her that made me very uncomfortable . When my mother finally had enough of her we stopped going there and I never regrered it. Some of her children left town and they were the ones that managed to have happy, successful lives. Those, like my father who stayed, were so damaged by her that in their middle age they were literally falling apart. The closest I can come to describing her is she was narcissistic, histrionic and possibly sociopathic. She is the reason I think it would help for Tracy and Dr. Simon to have another long conversation about personality disorders. On the surface my grandmother did not fit anything that you read about or that any of you have experienced. But the damage that she did to her family was there to see every day. Narcissism, sociopathy, histrionic personalities are often intertwined and they certainly were in my grandmother. The only thing I can come up with when reading about all of you is that the people you were involved with had absolutely no concept of love. They had self-love but they have no empathy.
I watched a Ted talk the other day and a professor was explaining how sociopathy is formed in people. It has to do with the X chromosome so it is genetic. It also has to do with early childhood development and then something that triggers it. I doubt very seriously my grandmother would have ever touched a gun I doubt very seriously she ever used a curse word but I know from watching over the years that she was just as deadly. She outlived her children. It was as if she fed on their pain.
When all of you write the outrageous things your exes did they all read the same but if you met each other’s pos they would look and act entirely differently. That is why teaching this information is so critical. Those of you in long term marriages are horrified that something as dangerous as your ex could be that good at deception. My father never saw how manipulated and damaged he was. He was a sweet, gentle man who slowly unraveled over the years.
The lie my grandmother told over and over again was that she was dying. In our small town I would see her going shopping, having her hair done but my father never stopped believing her lies. Is was as if he was brainwashed. Since many of you were involved with narcs please protect your children the best you can.
Horrifying story of your grandmother, Let Go. I inherited all the family tree photos, geneology, etc., but the books took up an entire wall. My sister and I started scanning the material, and ran across a picture of my paternal great-grandmother. Though I never knew her, I would almost guarantee she was of the same ilk as your grandmother–harsh, unforgiving demeanor. My grandfather was a sociopath (emotionally abused my grandmother, a few pedophile instances, tried to rape my mother), and I imagine having such a mother did trigger any innate tendencies toward cruelty.
(And I can guarantee there is at least one large university class that covers narcissism, infidelity as emotional abuse, and Tracy’s blog. It’s the most popular section in my developmental psych class).
Tempest, keep getting the word out!
I wish I could take your class.
My XH told me right at the beginning when we were dating that he is a spycho. He bragged that he passed the test for psychopathy, I just refused to hear this information as in hear and process it. I just thought he is very smart.
If only we would pay attention to these information…to these red flags.
Yes, education is the only way. Even though we need to learn the hard way, through our own experience, I think having that information helps us to wise up faster.
Right on about the class, Tempest!
That’s awesome, Tempest!
Way to teach agency to young men and women who may not yet realize that it will come in handy some day. I love it!
Let Go,
Could you please post the name of that TED talk. I swear that this shit does travel on the X chromosome. My X’s mother was a total f’ing looney and a narcissist as well. We say that my two daughters inherited “Betty’s Crazy X” as in X chromosome. If you could find that TED talk I would be ever so grateful. Thx
ps Tempest, ready when you are. 🙂
TED talks. Jim Fallon: exploring the mind of a killer. I so hope you are not in danger
My ex is much like his mother. A pastor’s wife, soft-spoken, would die before she said an unseemly word. No empathy or compassion whatsoever. She can put it on like a mask, but it’s only a tool for image management or for getting what she wants. It took my several years, and lots of reading this blog, to begin to pick up on it at all.
Mine stopped wearing a wedding ring long ago. Said he lost it. Now I wonder. He was putting himself out there as available. He’s my X now. What a POS. Lies, more lies, and still blames me. I did not fight hard enough for him.
Dumbest lie came from both my ex-wife and ex-boss. He was requiring me to work mandatory overtime. She was supporting my tiredness and exhaustion by being so nice. Went to work one morning, but decided to follow her instead….to my boss’s house. When the cops showed up because of the ruckus I was creating in the front yard, they claimed they were planning a surprise birthday party for me….even though my birthday was 11 months away. He got fired for ethics violations when their text messages were presented in court during my divorce.
That birthday party! Sorry for laughing out loud, but it’s crazy. They think we are that stupid.
Way to be mighty!
Glad you fought for a fair divorce and had your day. Hopefully in retrospect you now realize she was not worth raising a ruckus. But forgive yourself for caring for someone who did not care for you. We’ve ALL been there. That’s the whole point of this site.
Oh, please tell us more about Karma that hit that boss of yours. Did they end up together, happily ever after? Or did she dumped him as soon as he got fired? Please do tell 🙂
Anyway, congrats for getting out of that situation. You rule!
Oh I have to get in on this….
I continue to be amazed at how the script is the same for these idiots. Fell asleep in the car? In the winter in Michigan? Yep. Walked the dog for 3 hours? Yep. Phone died? Yep. Add to that missed a carefully planned family vacation meant to solidify wreckonciliation. Because of a first ever migraine headache. An f’ing headache?? Try explaining that to 2 children on the way to the airport without dad.
And now, OF COURSE, I am the one making things difficult post divorce because I can’t seem to let go of my animosity.
21 years of marriage and 30 years together -evaporated. Two crushed, yet fantastically resilient, kids.
It is my animosity that keeps me sane for the time being.
Can I get an amen to that?!
Amen! From another filled with animosity.
I get shut down with ‘why are you so angry, why are you raising your voice’
It’s a deflection technique.
Don’t bother anymore because I know his brain and thought processes are defective.
Just one?!? Well…Ego Queen has a substance abuse problem and I had been expressing concern and offering help for months, urging her to go back to AA or therapy or whatever would help her get healthy again. She wouldn’t put her phone down for five seconds, even sleeping with it UNDER HER PILLOW to make sure she was the only one with access. I knew she was having an affair but felt sorry for her because she was struggling with her addiction, so I was trying to be supportive and give her time. I had been through this two other times in our relationship and forgave her and “worked on myself” so I could be a better partner. (ugh!) I finally couldn’t take it anymore and said, look, I know what’s going on and that it’s very difficult, and I love you and am committed to our relationship, but you are hurting me and our family very badly, so you need to come clean and agree to some guidelines (like ending the affair and going to couple’s counseling with me) or move out now. She insisted she wasn’t involved with anyone else, so I said, “Hand me your phone.” She clutched it to her chest and said “I’m not letting you read my texts. You have to respect my private communication with MY SPONSOR. She wasn’t attending AA and hasn’t had a sponsor for years, and had insisted she wasn’t actively using and didn’t need a sponsor anymore! But she knew that I’d be relieved that she was getting help with the addiction and that I respect the connection btw an addict and the sponsor! She is truly a master of the game.
I wanted to post last night when I first read this, but I couldn’t decide WHICH of the lies I let her get away with was the dumbest! I started making a list and it was getting so long that I got tired and had to go to bed. Really. I am one year out of the dissolution of our partnership and doing really well in the scheme of things, but I still have bouts of sadness about losing out on the life we planned to have together, blah, blah, blah. I think making that list last night was my last pit stop before reaching the Land of Meh! Tuesday is just a few days away and I’m damn close to my destination. 🙂 I definitely wouldn’t have been able to make this journey as quickly or as safely as I have without this site.
Mine was a reformed binge drinker alcohol, I put up with a world of crap with his drinking, he got sober and healthy and four years later started cheating, hits the same reward pleasure centres in the brain. These people suck.
Going forward, no boyfriend with previous drug or alcohol issues and someone who shows self mastery not impulsivity.
Two long term relationships like this. I’m 42 with two kids, hope to become greater and find authentic Love some day.
That’s not semen on my underwear, it’s vaginal discharge. ?
Ugh!!! ?
Here is mine. After he moved us (me and our 3 year old son) to Canada in 2011 post the middle east uprising, he told us he would put all his efforts to wrap up business in a couple of years and move in with us. He came 6 months after to see us for Christmas for 20 days. On his second day he announced that he was going to Mexico for 10 days!! Alone! Because he was depressed with what was going on in the world. And the world was coming to its end. And 2012 was going to mark the end of it. And the secret to the world existence was in the mayan pyramids that he absolutely had to visit because he was so depressed! It would give him the understanding!
All of this from a very smart intellectual atheist who would not believe in anything let alone shit like that. I remember I clearly thought he was losing it and he needed to go relax. But then one evening he shut the laptop down abruptly a couple of times when a skype call came in. I saw a woman’s name…googled her..found a connection to his university 15 years ago. Asked him casually who she was and he told me he went to grad school with her and was now helping her on her phd research. Then I found a hotel booking for two he accidentally left on the printer. I asked him about that. “Oh, all hotels now have double beds” It was not a double bed. It was 2 persons. I spackled.
At the time I was in Canada waiting to receive my permanent residence. I could not leave the country. He took advantage of the situation to travel by himself.
When I pressed more he put a show and cried. Shuttered in my embrace. Told me how depressed he was and how bad he felt that we had to live like this separately and he could not spend more time with me and our 3 year old son then. I believed him. I told him to go and enjoy. Boy he enjoyed the fuckfest with his long terms AP! I only found out the truth 6 years later.
2 years after that incident he pulled another mexico trip when he came to visit us in canada. This time he knew I was going to go to my home country and visit my family. He knew my departure dates. So he came 2 weeks before my departure and announced that this time he can actually stay in Canada for 5 whole weeks – never happened before! After I left with our son I called him in a few days and he told me he was in Mexico. Decided to take the trip and sign himself into salsa dancing for 3 weeks. Nice! I expressed my frustration carefully and he turned the whole rage on me saying that he deserved this vacation! That I left him alone in Canada and went to visit my family members so what did I expect him to do?
And finally in Jan 2015 while on our annual christmas visit to see him (we saw each other twice a year since we moved to Canada in 2011) I snooped into his phone-figured out his password. The past few years he kept acting depressed..oh, we don’t understand each other, we have different life goals, I am not really made for a family, we don’t have chemistry, ILYBNILWU, etc. So I found nice romantic talks. Confronted him. Who is she???!!!
“Oh…I will tell you, baby, don’t worry. Please don’t cry. You see, I met her 20 years ago when I was looking for an apartment to rent in Europe. She had an apartment. We talked. Then we hugged. You know, it’s customary in Europe. You know, how people kiss twice. So when we hugged we got glued to each other. It was like an electric hug. You won’t understand it, LongTime, you never had such an experience, right? Let me tell you it was something that I could not understand either. I literally had to force her off of me about 10 min later. We were just glued to each other and shaking. It was surreal. Then she became my girlfriend. Then after 1 year we went back to our respective countries. Why we didn’t marry? Oh, because she was married already. Her husband was in her country. Of course she wanted to divorce and marry me. But you see, I was not interested. She was not a good marriage material. But we kept in touch. 4 years later when we got married I told her. She knows about you. About our son. She likes you. So now…re all these talks you read on my phone…you see all these years I wanted to figure out that electric hug. And what kept us glued to each other all these years. No, of course I was in Mexico alone. Both times, yes! And no, she did not visit me here. And I did not see her either after we got married. We just talk once in a while. She has a dangerous job. I feel every time she is in danger and I have an urge to run and rescue her. I always thought our souls were connected. So a few months ago I met a guy in a bar. He studied shamanism. I told him about the electric hug. His only explanation was that at the time of our births the soul split into two parts and went into t