Isn’t it nice when the Other Woman understands you? No, really better than you understand yourself! She knows so many things about you, and your kids too (the poor resilient little lambs). And just because you’re frigid, controlling, and batshit crazy, does not mean she doesn’t have sympathy — and hey, maybe a few suggestions on how you could do better.
Shall we take a moment to meditate on the condescension of mistresses and have a collective vomit? BleeeerrrrrcccchhhhHHhh.
I feel compelled to write about Sara Symonds and OW of her ilk. Symonds, you may recall, is the professional mistress I appeared on a HuffPo panel with recently. She is a self described “recovering” mistress of 15 years — “been clean over three years” — and once ran the site Mistresses Anonymous.
A bit on Ms. Symonds, who struck me rather as a Mary Poppins of infidelity. Perky in all the wrong places. She claims to have been the OW to Gordon Ramsey, the apoplectic chef of television fame, and more revoltingly, Jeffrey Archer. Archer, if you’re not keen on British politics, is a fabulist and NPD extraordinaire. A disgraced former member of parliament, he was jailed on various scams, but went on to write best-selling novels. (Putting that talent for fiction to good use, apparently.) Ringo Starr once described Archer as a “the kind of bloke who would bottle your piss and sell it.”
So when it comes to falling for narcissist sparkles, Ms. Symonds has quite the resumé. Having spent most of her adult life as a mistress (shacked up in a swanky part of Westminster on some guy’s dime), she missed out on those other things adults do, like obtain some professional rank, marry, have children. She instead now fashions herself as the:
World’s first and only Infidelity Analyst, you can imagine that I’m a pretty busy girl. A real life mix between Carrie Bradshaw, Dear Amy, and a smidge of Jackie Collins thrown in.
And a simulacrum of Gypsy Rose Lee with a sprinkle of Nancy Reagan. Followed by a light dusting of Barbara Walters. She’s like your girlfriend, Girlfriend!
In the name of universal sisterhood, we need to all get along.
Said Symonds on HuffPo Live:
“As women in the sisterhood, I think we should all be on the same page, because wives and mistresses have got so much in common. They’re both sharing half of a man who’s lying and getting the best of two women.”
Isn’t that funny? Where was the OW’s sisterhood when she was screwing your husband?
I don’t blog about affair partners that much, because it has a tendency of devolving away from the subject at hand — your particular cheater. Yes, I think OW/OM are culpable, yes, I think they suck. But really, at the end of the day, they are beside the point. First of all, they’re usually not the only one, and second of all — if your cheater had boundaries, this wing nut would not be in your life, period.
But I have to take issue with the galling condescension OW have for chumped wives. It really is quite the leit motif among the comments at Stupid Shit Affair Partners Say and the comments of Ms. Symonds, a wannabe celebrity mistress. Oh you poor benighted chump, you just don’t know your man.
Symonds provides a handy list of How-Tos for you to keep your husband, after she’s done with him. (You can have him back, no really.) She calls this “Wife School.” Yes, wives need schools. Sluts? Hey, they’re just born with it.
Have sex with him every day! “Don’t pile on the weight after you get ‘comfortable’ with him, nor let your dress sense go. Looking good will help YOU feel better, as well as making sure your husband only has eyes for you.” Be attentive! Ask him about his day! Put a fresh ribbon in your hair when you greet him at the door.
Oh hang on, no that last one was from a women’s home economic’s textbook from 1955, entitled How To Be a Good Wife. But you get the idea, chumps. Be good kibbles, and they’ll never stray.
It’s easy to dismiss Ms. Symonds as an attention-whore in a leopard-print bustier, but her attitudes about infidelity and marriage are sadly common. I guess that crap sells. But from one “Infidelity Analyst” to another, Sarah — sisters don’t fuck other sister’s husbands. We have less in common than you think.
This column ran previously. Having a SNOW day today! Wheee!