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If Cheaters Wrote Children’s Book Titles…

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In homage to Mistress/Vatican Ambassador Callista Gingrich, whose impression management resumé includes writing children’s books, today’s Fun Friday Challenge is to craft children’s book titles written by cheaters. Talk about your fractured fairy tales… Examples might include:

The Monster at the End of this Divorce Summons

Winnie the Complicated

The 500 Dating Profiles of Bartholomew Cubbins

I’m sure you can best me, CN. Let’s give new meaning to “bedtime story”!

TGIF!

 

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • James and the Giant Lie
    The Lyin’ Witch and her Slutty Wardrobe
    Harriet the Marriage Spy
    Charlotte’s Web of Lies
    Bi-Curious George
    The Phantom Husband
    Go, Dog, Go (no change in title necessary)
    Holes (no change in title necessary)
    Make Way for F*cklings
    Where the Marriage Ends

  • Guess How Much I Use You
    James and the Giant Penis
    The Very Hungry Cheater
    Alices Adventures in Wankerland
    Charlie and the Kibble Factory

  • Daddy and the Magic New Stepmommy Socket. And the New Stepmommy. And the Newer One. And That Other Lady

  • Tales of a Limpdick Sociopath
    (Tales of as 4th Grade Nothing)
    If You Give An Asshole Some Pussy
    (If you give a mouse a cookie)

  • Headjobs and Prunedicks

    The Very Horny Philanderer

    We’re Going on a Whore Hunt

    Harlot’s Web

    James and the Giant Bitch

  • Fun morning here!

    Peter and the Whore
    The Giving Chump
    1 ho 2 ho, red sore, blue sore
    The Very Horny Caterpillar
    Narklestiltskin
    Princess and the Purple Dildo

    • On the spot, Stacy! Cheater can brag for hours that he is Lioan (leo by horoscope) and is the head of his jungle. Pre DDay he used to always tell me (whenever i confronted him with blatant flirting or constantly on the phone/skype with “friends”) that if I wanted to be part of his jungle I had to conform to the rules. Rules for me were to shut up and accept flirting and all else. He even hasa lion head on his laptop screen. Confinced himself of being a lion king but he is the Lier King!

      • Long Time-
        I have a fucking flirter, too. We could be anywhere, and the woman could resemble something caught in the drain- and he would fawn, coo, ask her about her tattoos (of which I have none- no judgment) and focus on her with predator like intensity while ignoring me.

        He would then leave these strangers staggering tips, and I started going back to get them. Like tips as much as the meal. While he had no savings.

          • CTTL & GAB……..big flirt too and fawned over everything except me!

            Once we were on a business vacation and he saw someone’s daughter that he obviously liked and he followed her all around the establishment we were in and then of course denied it later. Sick perv!

            Another time on an air flight he fawned and practically drooled all over the male stewards shoes! Stroking the man’s shoes! Real sicko here.

            There is so much I could go on and on and quite sure theres more I never knew of. If the sicko can do this in front of my face I can’t even imagine what he did when I wasn’t there.

            • IHaveHate – mine was a big flirt too. He flirted with women when I was with him, red flags, but I was to young and immature to recognize them. Then later I just ignored all the other red flags. Nicest person you can imaging to everyone but me. Got to where I couldn’t ignore it anymore especially, when I saw his text to another woman saying “I Love You Sweetie” and her childish text. .She was in her early 50s and sounded like a young teenager (she definitely doesn’t look the way she acts).

              Think I would call my book “Two Faced Sam”.

            • That’s the point. We think by flirting so blatantly in our face that’s really all they do. Flirt. Innocent, right? And they do it in our face so we may feel a little (much!) uncomfortable but there is really nothing more to it.

              “Why can’t you understand I am just this kind of guy!? I don’t do anything! Just flirt! Don’t be so uptight!” And it worked with us chumps. Sigh.

              • I read this stuff and realize just what a chump I was.

                Mine did all that too – calling strangers, honey – baby – you name it. I told him it wasn’t right but I was told I was the uptight one.

                God I’m glad to be rid of him.

        • Mine didn’t exactly flirt directly in ways that I could call him out on it, but he was always generally impressing other women in ways that bothered me but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. He was always so attentive to them and seemingly empathetic, but not with me. He would send e-mails to old female friends with his beautiful prose when sending life updates that would always get compliments from said friends and leave me feeling left out because he never wrote me letters like that anymore (like he used to when we were dating). He would always leap to help out damsels in distress. He went to help a female coworker when she got in a fender bender. He helped out the neighbor when she had a water leak. He spent a week in another state helping out the widow of a friend of his etc.

          These things always used to bother me a bit because I felt like I had to share him, but I never complained because that would have seemed selfish. He was just helping out people in need after all. Being attentive, polite and “empathetic” are good qualities right?

        • We have a neighbor who is overweight, obnoxious, chain smoker, rarely see her without a glass a wine and a cigarette (a Switzerland friend). This was before I found CL and knew what a Switzerland was and still in a thick fog of trying to come to terms with what happened. I was understanding and didn’t want my “friends” to have to choose.
          I know better now, notice I said they were originally “my friends.” As they say with friends like that who needs enemies.
          Switzerland neighbor called to tell me X had she had just gotten off the phone with X and that he’s such a nice guy, and just how sweet X is how he touched her heart, and brought tears to her eyes.., (all this drama over X, huh? I was confused) yes, X told her she’s an attractive women, he always thought she was beautiful, he knows that if she was single guys would be asking her out all the time.
          News to me, then again, I didn’t know who I was married to.

          I realizelooks aren’t everything but realistically this woman looks like 1980’s Rosanne Barr and is three times more obnoxious.

          X is full of shit.

          • Regarding the flirting, since the cheaters apparently have some sort of ego deficit, who they are flirting with isn’t the important thing to them. The reaction they get is the important thing.

            It actually makes sense that they flirt with trolls because no one else does so they get a huge reaction/payback. Other than servers, who might suck up to these losers to get a better tip, flattery doesn’t really mean much to attractive women. They hear that shit all the time.

    • First one out of the gate is awinner. I’d say we can stop now but I am curious to see if anyone can top that.

    • Oh, the Places You Will Go!!
      Where the Wild Things Are..
      Satan and the Purple Dick
      Guess How Much I Love You?
      Satan and Ho are Friends
      The Secret Garden
      Chick-a-Chicka-Boom-Boom
      The Very Hungry Caterpillar

          • more..,
            Diary of a Worm
            Bitch, My Husband is Missing..
            “Holes”
            My ***** is Stuck (fill in the blank)
            The Life Thief
            Diary of a Wimpy “Husband” (optional word)
            Cheater had a little ***** (fill in the blank)
            What Do You Do With a **** Like This?
            AP, Plain and Looks Like a Man (replace with Slut or **** )

            • The Life Thief

              That’s what resonates with me. That’s what I’m having such a hard time dealing with. So many years wasted in a lie of a marriage.

              I know there’s no guarantee I’d have a better life, but I would have liked to have the chance to have a healthy relationship and decide my own destiny.

              Mr. Manipulation always got his way. Vacations, concerts, whatever. I asked him to take me dancing two times a year and he wouldn’t even do that. Jeez, I even went on a scuba diving vacation with him and our daughter and I don’t scuba dive! What a chump I’ve been.

              • “The Life Thief”
                I understand how you’re feeling Giddy Eagle,
                I helped X build his career, sacrificing mine, for what he called “our career.”
                Never once when we were struggling financially did I consider leaving.
                I stuck it out, encouraging and supporting X, never wavering when he’d become discouraged. I took care of everything at home while he traveled the world and became successful.
                Today I’m left without a career, struggling as he enjoys a comfortable lifestyle.
                Everyday I wake up feeling as if someone just slapped me in the face.
                Hurt and humiliated for sacrificing so much for someone unappreciative and cruel. I’ll never understand how X can live with himself.
                Yet, X does, and quite well.
                Everything we did was what X wanted, X never considered what I might like
                and neither did I. I was robbed of my life and my future, I’ve been thrown away like trash. X valued nothing of our years together. I put so much into making our lives special, holidays, birthdays, family get togethers.
                I didn’t deserve to be discarded like trash, no one deserves to be treated this way. “The Life Thief” I hope someday they get what they deserve.

  • “How your Dad escaped prison:10 steps to spot a controlling woman”

    “How I discovered my princess soul-mate and broke through chains to freedom”

  • Oh, the Places We Will Go after I leave my Spouse and take all the Money
    Diary of a Limpy Dick
    Puss the Magic Pussy
    Alice in the Wonderiousland of Bondage Porn

  • Jack gets his beanstalk sucked
    Pussy in boots
    Goldenballs and the three whores
    Little red riding whore
    Promiscuous Peter Pan
    The ugly fuckling

  • Click, Clack, HO; MOWs who type and send Scripture
    The Liar, the Bitch and the Marital Bed
    How to Eat ________ (original title is fried worms)

  • And with no title changes, but a twist on interpretation thanks to our experiences as chumps we can give new meaning to Dr. Seuss’ classics:

    Oh the Places You’ll Go
    Hop on Pop
    Are you my mother?
    How the Grinch Stole Christmas

  • X-hole and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Whore
    (Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day)

    The Taker
    (The Giver)

    The Lying, the Bitch, and the Divorce
    (The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe)

  • Oh, boy! These aren’t mine, but I saved them for just such a day…

    1. The Ass in The Hat.
    2. Horton Hears a Ho.

    And, last but not least:

    3. Amelia Bedielia Changes the Locks.

  • Twu Luv

    Sperminator and Cumzilla

    He Ain’t your Uncle

    Snow White and the seven bottles of whiskey

    Groin Grooming and backseat love language

    Deny…Deny….Deny and finding your Truth

    I don’t know who’s underwear it is!!!

    Just friends and The Importance of Kegel Exercise

    My Soulmate and Secret Cell Phone

    Brazilian wax and the Book Club

    • Anal sex for Dummies

      Soul mates for Dummies

      That ain’t a Banana!!

      Tight White Pants

      When Ashely Madison met Harry

      • Learn how to talk Good

        The art of Emoji’s when your thumbs are sore

        Sexy giggling and talking good grammar lessons

        Your mother is not ” slutty angel 4U at yahoo”

  • And for top teen books, with some twists on classics…

    Lord of the Lies
    (Many) Little Women
    Gulliver (has) Travelled
    A Portrait of my Husband as a Young Man
    Lord of the Flings
    Fuck Everlasting
    The Old Man and the C
    No Sense or Sensibility
    A Tale of Two Titties
    The Three (and possibly more) Musketeers
    Oliver’s Twisted, etc…….

  • Goodnight Goon
    The very hungry whoremonger
    Diary of a limp dick
    Don’t let the penis drive the anus
    Snufflemuffy
    I love you for now

  • “I Know You Are, But What Am I? (Adventures in Projection)”

    “Goodnight Goon” – My Sequel

        • Love this one, “I know you are, but what am I?” that was my marriage.

          X argued with me on the level of “I know you are but what am I?” Perfect title for my marriage.
          Gas lighting, projecting, making my life a living hell. I can’t believe I put up with so much shit.

          • Brit, same. X’s tit-for-tat mentality was off the chain.
            I will never debase my values or self-worth ever again.

  • Meth and Jam for Francis

    The Velveteen Penis

    Nancy Drew and The Case of the Crusty Dildo

    Horton Hears a Whore!

    The Bernstein Beards

  • Fumbleina
    Little Red Riding Wood
    Muffbeard (Bluebeard)
    Guess how much I love you (go on keep guessing)
    Horton snares a Ho!
    The Tart who came to tea
    Beauty and the Bollix……………

  • I can’t come up with a title right now, but the “frumious bandersnatch” from Lewis Carroll’s Jabberwocky has a new meaning now…

  • “Wonder…(how I can get out of this one?!”)

    I feel dirty ruining this book title because the real one is an awesome read!

    • Chickafuckaboomboom
      (Chickachickaboomboom)
      Or even better yet it could be
      Fuckachickaboomboom

      The Giving Dick
      (The Giving Tree)
      I was sad writing these as my kids liked both of these books, especially all of Shel Silverstein’s work.

      • I have actually always hated “The Giving Tree.” The book features the tree (which of course is gendered female) actually sacrificing it’s very body and life to a selfish wanker (gendered male), who even to the very end only thinks of himself and ends with him sitting his lazy ass down on her now dead carcass–lazy and selfish to the last. It’s like a kids’ training manual for chumpdom. The nasty boy learns nothing and the trees only purpose or identity rests in sacrificing herself without reciprocity.

        • Yeah, they were introduced to it in school..
          I like to just focus on doing good for others as the message to the little ones.

        • I always felt the same way about that book. As a child I remember being horrified by the ending, thinking why would he want to kill his mother like that? It’s the perfect tale of a co-dependent, dysfunctional relationship between a narcissist and a chump.

            • The Giving Tree is about the never ending unconditional love from the creator of the Universe.

              In my very very very humble opinion Shel Silverstein was genius.

  • Cheating beauty
    Sleeping (around ) beauty
    Little red riding whore/Ho
    12 Dancing prostitutes
    A tale of two cheaters
    Great expectations (and not so great people )
    The Princess and the Hog
    How to Train a Traitor

  • Fox on cocks

    Hop on Pop (no edits needed)

    One whore, Two whores, Red crotch, Blue balls

    The Cat in the back

  • “Green Eggs and Cheating Apps”

    “Diary of a Wimpy Chump”

    “Love You Forever….(but I’m not in love with you)”

    “Where the Wild Married Co-Workers Are”

  • The Emperor’s New Ho’s
    A tail of an emperor who shows off his new ho’s on Facebook, and all his followers tell him how fabulous he looks.

    If you give a NARC a muff(in) – he’ll want another one

    Jack- off and Jill went up the hill to tell a tail of
    Fodder
    The tail of an ex wife married to a serial cheater for 18 years, when the shinny new young girlfriend enters the picture, the haggard old wife is accused of being a gold digger.

    Alphabet Dupe
    How many letters can you put together to make lies?

    • And on a more serious note, send good vibes as tonight is my daughters graduation dinner with STBX, girlfriend and his narc-o-licious family.

      Cloudy With A Chance of Fuckwits!
      The tail of a serial cheater eating dinner with his wife (not divorced yet), his children, girlfriend and religious family who will want to bless the “godly” meal with a prayer.

  • Harry Potter and the Narcissist’s Bone[r]
    (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone)

    Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
    (no translation needed)

    Harry Potter and the Half-wit’s Penis
    (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince)

  • The entire works of Grim Fucking Tales. Such as “The Crystal Balls”, “Clever Hans” (the final sentence: “And that’s how Hans lost his bride.”).

    And: The Little Boy that Could (do what he damn well pleased)

  • This is a true tale of the self-proclaimed Emporer. The Emporer asked his HoWorker whether she wanted to see him with or without clothes!

  • This one is a song:

    Oh where oh where did my husband go?
    Oh where oh where has he gone?

  • “How Does a Dinosaur Say ILYBINILWY?”

    “Goodnight Destruction Site”

    “The Little Euphamism that Could”

    “Little Blue F*ck in the City”

    “Boil the Bunny”

    “Horny Cheater and the Chamber of Secrets”

  • AFFAIR ABC’s

    A is for a fair

    B is for betrayal

    C is for centrality

    D is for deviance

    E as for entitlement

    F it’s for a fake

    It’s the book that writes itself.

  • The Two Sided Tale (But you only get to know one)
    Love You Fornever
    A Series of Unfortunate Events (no change needed)

  • And now for some original titles, instead of reimagining existing ones:

    “ONCE YOU WERE SPECIAL” – This is the classic tale of a little boy and his faithful terrier who stopped being special to daddy. Journey with the boy as he lights up his father’s life, but then develops needs and stops being special. You’ll love the heartwarming ending when daddy finds a *new* special child!

    “SPARKLES FOR BREAKFAST” – This is the charming tale of a little girl who learns that sparkles are enough! Her journey takes readers through her discovery of the value of sparkles and how they can take the place of character and talent. “Sparkles for Breakfast” teaches little ones the power of covering up personal inadequacies.

    “GASLIGHT ALLEY” – This is a tale filled with adventure! Readers will love following our hero through imaginary worlds. Explore alternate realities and choose your own ending if the real one is too inconvenient! Readers will learn the power of crafting alternate realities to favor their indulgences.

    • “I THOUGHT I SAW A UNICORN” – In this fresh spin on the classic “Where’s Waldo,” readers get to search the pages for an elusive unicorn. You’ll spend months looking for it. But is it there? Only one out of 5,000 copies actually has a unicorn! Critics are raving about this clever book that is quickly going viral. Pick up your copy today and start searching. If you can’t find the unicorn, there is a helpful guide in the back for identifying what you did wrong. But surely *you* will be the lucky one!

  • “There’s No Bad Guys or Good Guys”

    aka

    “Mommy’s Secret Life of Fun (but you aren’t invited)”

  • So sorry gotabrain! Sounds beyond horrible!
    Sending hugs!
    By the way- I think you have to change your title to: Cloudy with a Certainty of Fuckwits because the chances are at least 110%.

  • Eat, Pray, Fuck a Stanger -By Sir Humpsalot

    ‘A Tale of Dic Pics’ (based on a true amazing story of my valiant effort to spread my dick around the world in a year or less) – By Mr. Young Butsaggyballz

    Idiots Guide to ‘Double Lives Made Easy’ – By Sir Abercrombie Fakingit

    ‘Whoring for Dummies’ by Ivis Blowhard

    Lonely Planets Guide to ‘Places You Can Fuck Strangers’ – A comprehensive travel guide to banging your way around on the cheap. ( Special Intouduction by a World expert who has fucked his way freely throughout the world) – By Harry Houdinidick

    How to Make A Fool Out of Anyone – By Chaz S. Everyonesdumbbutme

  • Adult Titles:
    One Flew over the Cuckold’s Nest

    Maidenhead Revisited

    Midnight’s Illegitimate Children

    1984: The number of Craigslist Ads I’ve responded to

    A Passage to Thailand and Sex Tourism

  • Bible verses for Jesus-Cheaters
    Alexander was a no good very horrible liar
    Happily Ever After

    And the best

    Leave a Cheater>>>>>Gain a Life

  • Snow White and Seven Craigslist Dwarves

    Daddy Needs an Adult Friend Finder

    Along Came a Liar

    The Last Penis Bender

    LEGO My Dad, He’s Married

  • Flaccidcocks and the three affairs
    Tales of a Worthless Nothing
    Are you there God? It’s me, God.
    Porn Sites and Spam
    Barbie and the Secret Blackberry

    And since their experts at blame shifting, my own creation…
    I know you are, but what am I?

  • The Little Prostitute that Could (The little Engine that Could)
    Blow Jobs for Francis (Bread and Jam for Francis)
    The Snatch in the Sex Chat (The Cat in the Hat)
    The Whore in the Pillows (The Wind in the Willows)
    From the Mixed up Lies of Mr. Babe E. Skankdriver (From the Mixed up Fils of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler)

  • Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
    Tale of Two Titties
    Three Little Jigs
    Three Billy Goats Rough
    Toot and Sluttles
    The Red Smitten

  • Dick of the dump
    The Jolly F*ckbag or Other People’s French Letters
    I want my tw*t back
    Room on the boom boom
    Wind in the pillows
    Just Go stories

  • Charlie and the Porno Factory
    What the Wild Things Watch
    The Phantom Escort (Does She Exist or Just a Figment of My Imagination?)
    Harold and the Porno Pussy
    Where the Internet Ends (Because I Stopped Paying the Comcast Bill)
    Porno Longstocking

  • Humpty Humpty sat on a wall
    Humpty Humpty made a bad call
    Now all of the kings horses and all of the kings men can’t put Humpty’s family back together again.

  • The Savior Princess: Story of how the beautiful, kind, loving maiden rescues the prince form the evil queen (from Shmoopie’s perspective)

  • Again, from the cheater’s perspective:

    The Princess and the Frog (the witch who turned him into the frog is of course the evil chump)

  • “Oh the Places You’ll Go (that I’ll know about now there’s new software on your phone)”

  • I Know an Old Woman Who Swallowed a Lie

    What do People do All Day?

    Five Little Fucks

    GUESS How Much I Love You

  • Please stop reinforcing the stigma associated with herpes, it’s not funny. Jokes seem harmless but they perpetuate the shame associated with a virus most people get through no fault of their own. According to the CDC one in four people have herpes, most don’t know they have it because it is not included in STD testing, and many have no symptoms. That doesn’t stop people from shaming and blaming people for contracting the virus. Any time you want to use herpes as a ‘funny’ foil, substitute HIV/AIDS, if it’s still funny, use it.

    • I contracted herpes from my cheater. Fortunately for me, I somehow got it on my knee and not on my lady parts. Nonetheless, I know that I will always have to let any future intimate partner aware of the virus, and the shame that comes with that is earth shattering. feel like I am wearing the scarlet letter for my husband’s infidelity.
      Thank you for making that point, wuf.

  • Avoiding Consequences

    and it’s companion title:

    The Blame Game

    And another useful volume:

    Projection

  • This thread has me belly laughing!

    Here’s one:
    Creep in a Jeep…first lines go:
    Creep in a jeep with a whore that’s steep.
    Uh oh, where’d our marital money go?

  • “A Series of Unfortunate Events that happened even though no one wanted them to and are totally not my fault,” by Slimeboy Lickit.

    (“A Series of Unfortunate Events” by Lemony Snicket)

    Don’t think this beats Bi-Curious George, though. That one will have me chuckling for days.

    Peace.
    aeronaut

  • Good night, Loon
    I’ll Love ME Forever! (and ever)
    The Taking Tree
    Mr. Roger’s Secret Neighborhood
    The Very Entitled Catwhorepuller
    The Cat in the Hat- She Wants Me Too!
    Harold and the Purple Crayon (Erases his past)
    Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Dday (subtitle The Jig is up- Oh my!?)
    The Liar, The Bitch and her Wardrobe

    Thanks, all for the laughs- especially you, Nomar!

  • ‘All the woman I meet behind your back are amazing except you’- By Dick MindMotherfuck

    ‘I’m famous – Fuck Me & Say Thank You’ – By I. Neverlovedyou

    Hoes,whores, and sluts, who want to fuck your man and his eagerness to please strange pussy more then you’ By Suckme O’Cuntle

    ‘How to trick someone into loving you with a fake identity’ By Faker McFamouston

    ‘Love Poems for Unspecting Prey’ -By Lube J. Porneypant

    ‘How You Charm Them Til’ they Love You, then distroy them’- a comedy of whores. – By Fuckme O’Penispuss

    ‘It’s Your Fault Because I said So’ – By Dufus Denialshit

    Snapcunt App – A How To Guide- By Rando Loverjizz

    ‘Make your dick look 3D porn ready, and filming live sex stories while your lover is at the Oncologist’- by Narc of Troy

  • As cathartic as this is… I must say that reading everyone’s “titles” just makes me sad.

    These people have caused so much damage. And, I know that getting to Meh is not caring if they karma bus ever runs them over or not. But as someone who has to co-parent with the disordered fuckwit for another seven years… and he’s already blown through the OW and is now planning to move in with Girl with Dogs (her house, yes he is a parasite)… I’m just aching for my son and his lost innocence because of his cheater Dad.

    I guess maybe a good title for my son to read is “Yes, Virginia, you have one sane parent.”

    • ICanSeeTheMehComing,
      I am so sorry for your pain, and YES, your Son does have one sane loving parent, YOU.

  • For grown ups, books and movies and other stuff:

    What Color is Your Narcissist?
    The Joys of Ex
    Close Encounters of the Turd Kind
    Yourassis Narc
    All the Resident’s Men
    Bi-Bi, Blackbird
    To Kill and Mockachump
    The Old Man and the Tween
    The Story of O(MG, You’re an Ass)
    Interview With a NarcLiar
    Porncamalot
    Cake Woebegone
    Everything I Need to Know I Learned on Chump Lady

    • “What colour is your narcissist’ made me LOL.And green, I think, since then we can have “Where is the green narcissist?”by Not Mem Fox ( Mem Fox is an Australian national treasure, and Where is the green sheep was my daughter’s favorite bed time story- over and over and over…..)
      My suggestion is a helpful self help title-“Tattoos- better than therapy!How skin art totally counts as being good person,! Avoid any actual attempts at self improvement !
      Apparently my XH, not content with having the tenets of bushido on his forearm, is getting a VERY long quote that I didn’t recognise about the struggle of trying to be oneself or something as his next tattoo. I think he should just get “one at a time” tattooed on his dick if he needs reminders about how to live a good life ( he also has a dragon on his shoulder – first one and faded now, a big and not very good portrayal of Herne the Hunter across his back, and the White Horse of Huffington on his hip ( very into celtic stuff if you can’t tell).OW3 , Miss 1999, also has the White Horse- they got matching tattoos!, so it must be Twu Wuv
      Disclaimer- i have ” Fall down seven times, get up eight” tattooed on my left forearm ( after DD1 and psych hospital stay) and my spirit animal Moominmamma on the other, since she reminds me to aim for serenity, wherever I am.

  • Sad but I could actually do this all day. I think it’s just a testament to how much angst I still have. But I was just thinking of the book/movie series I love the bourne series…

    Only for my cheater it would be ….
    the porn identity
    the porn supremacy
    the porn ultimatum

    • Love this Chumptothe9thdegree!

      A twist on another classic:
      The Sleezemarillion (lovebombing style)
      The Fuckwit, There and back again (can you feel the hovering?)
      The Lord of the Gaslighting – One liar to rule them all!
      The Fellowship from Switzerland (it takes a village to gaslight a chump)
      The Two Twats (the cheater and AP)
      The Return of the Backbone (ultimate recovery through picker fixing)

  • Willy Wanker Gets His Fudge Packed/Charlie and the Chocolate Factory ! “Fudge packing” is another term I wish I could unlearn from Merriam Webster, manipulative porn addict’s edition.

  • Cheater will probably find most titles in RL Stine’s Goosebumps series appealing for their story books as they don’t need to alter them much:

    #10 “Diary of the Mad Mommy” (Diary of the Mad Mummy)
    #33 “It Came From the Internet!”
    #07 “Under the Ho-Worker’s Spell” (Under the Magician’s Spell)
    #18 “Attracted to the Beastly Babysitter” (Attack of the Beastly Babysitter)
    #04 “One Night in Schmoopie’s House” (One Night in Payne House)
    #28 “Night of a Thousand Hos” Night of a Thousand Claws
    #32 “It’s Only a Nightmare” (Gaslighter’s Edition)

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Give_Yourself_Goosebumps

  • PornociHo

    Blow White and the 7 dWhorves

    The Old Woman Who Lives in a Shoe (because her X abandoned her for a younger model and left her homeless)

    The Voyage of the Dawn Chumper

    Ten Thousand Affairs Hidden from All to See

    Doctor Doolittle Young Pussies

    Hey Diddle Diddle the Tomcat and the Sitter

  • Harlot’s Web
    Babes in Boyland
    Fancy Screw and the Case of the Missing Husband
    Where’s Weirdo?
    Sham I Am

  • No edits needed:

    Runaway Bunny
    The Last Unicorn
    Blueberries for Sal
    The true story of the three little pigs

    • I love the “True Story of the three little pigs” (the real book), especially when the narrator refers to the 3rd pig as the brains of their operation because he built his house out of bricks. Funny stuff!

  • This is addicting:

    1. Finding Pussy
    2. The Magic Fuck House
    3. Hansom and Gorgeous (in their eyes)
    4. The Wizard of Blame-shift
    5. Black Souled Beauty
    6. The Good Homewrecker
    7. How to Act Like a Child at Forty Something
    8. Teenage Romance for the Middle Aged
    9. Too Many Johns
    10. I am Special
    11. If only I had a Sparkle Dick

    • I almost forgot

      12. Cheaterhaven
      13. Star Crossed Lover Wars
      14. The Bridge to Depravity
      15. Number the Whores

  • *Whoredog’s Guide To Baffling And Infuriating Your Chump-How Ask Her To Adopt Your Whore’s Dog

    *Predatory Opportunistic Parasite’s Guide To Whoreticulture

    • Oh my God! Ex and I adopted the whore’s dog, too! Just when you think any cheater ever did anything original. I had a weird feeling when he suddenly came dragging home with a dog, and it had been the whore’s. But she was too much of a loser to take care of a dog, much less her own kid.

  • We don’t have to make them up – these are real titles on Amazon. I kid you not.

    A Gold-digger’s Guide: How to Marry the Man and the Money
    Ho Tactics: How To MindF**k A Man Into Spending, Spoiling, and Sponsoring
    Men Don’t Love Women Like You
    How to Cheat and Not get Caught
    How to Have an Affair: a Practical Guide for the Serious Adulterer

  • I can lick 30 Ho’s. (tigers in the suess one)
    One cheater, Two cheaters, Red skank, Blue skank?

  • Dcikrot Flats
    Hairy Mcleery and his Boner
    The Three Little Dick Pics
    Cloudy With a Chance of Old Balls
    Goodnight Ghoul
    The Ass as a Hat
    The Emperor’s Old Whore
    King Thrushbeard (didn’t even need any editing, thanks Brothers Grimm!)
    The Golden Turd
    The Singing Springing Narc
    Doctor Knowall (again, Grimms’ tales don’t need editing)
    The Devil and her Grandmother
    The Slut in the Forest
    The Swindle, the Muddle and the Venal.

    Grimms, tales make it too easy!

  • The Chronicles of Nausea, consisting of the following seven volumes:

    The Manchild’s Nympho
    The Liar, the Wench, and the Victoria’s Secret Lingerie Wardrobe
    The Whore and Her Boy Toy
    Prince Asspenis
    The Voyeurism of the Porn Reader
    The Steadfast Chump
    The Last Blow Job

  • For the new victim 12 yrs younger than him❗️No title change…?

    Just googled a children book called…
    Do you want to play with my balls❓⚾️? ??⚽️?? ( and others)

    Another title: ” Everybody likes Pappone” ( pimp in Italian)

    Super fun friday ‼️ Always wait for this day to laugh a little ?

  • “Millions of Cats”
    Millions of Lies

    “Love You Forever”
    Love You For Never

    “Sylvester and The Magic Pebble”
    Sylvester and The Magic Pussy

    “Diary of a Wombat”
    Diary of a Whoremonger

    “Arthur’s Nose”
    Arthur’s Hoes

    “The Stranger”
    The Strange

    “Katy and the Big Snow”
    Katy and the Big Blow Job

    “The Day the Crayons Quit”
    The Day the Chump Quit

    “Alligator Pie”
    Stink Hole Pie – Volume 1
    Reek Hole Pie – Volume 2

    “Click Clack Moo Cows That Type”
    Tic Tac Too Fucktards that Sext

    “Everybody Poops”
    Everybody Cheats

    “I Want My Hat Back”
    I Want My Life Back

  • Cake and Kibbles for Frances
    Alexandra and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Marriage
    Tales of a Middle-Aged Nothing

    I love this challenge!

  • Hairy McLeering Catfish Caper
    Ten Little Fuckers and Ten little Ho’s
    Pervy the Pukeko
    Who Sank the Boat
    Kiss Kiss Yuck Yuck
    Ten in the Bed, these three needed no editing…
    Fix-It, Fuck!(for those who have a cheater who does nothing around the house…)
    Old Hoho (Old Huhu)

    • Or as my stbx said, “I am fawned of you. I wouldn’t want you to be homeless or anything.”

  • Around the Office in 80 days
    Limp Stanley
    Ramona the Sex Pest
    Treasure Island II – The Retirement Chest is Gone on Whores and Gambling…

  • These are all fan-fucking-tastic!!!!

    Children’s book titles written by a cheater:

    Goodnight, AP (Goodnight Moon)
    The D-Day (The Snowy Day)
    Because of She/He-Dicked-Me (Because of Winn Dixie)
    Big Red Sores (Big Red Lollipop)
    Bridge to AP’s House (Bridge to Terabithia)
    A Chair for My Whore/Man-Whore (A Chair for My Mother)
    Millions of Whores (Millions of Cats)
    Mr. Popper’s Affair Partners
    One Crazy Stalker (One Crazy Summer)
    Pippi Cockstocking
    Little House of Whores on the Prairie
    The Runaway Spouse (The Runaway Bunny)
    Lyle, Lyle Crocodile’s Tears of Sad Sausage
    How the OW/OM Stole My Spouse
    Harry the Dirty Dog and His Whores
    Chicka Chicka Gang Bang
    5 Little Affair Partners in My Bed (5 Little Monkeys Jumping on The Bed)
    Clifford the Big Red-Faced Lying Dog
    The Fellowship of the Ho-Workers
    The Watsons Go to Divorce Court
    Stuart Little Dick
    I’m the Best! (Says every cheater)
    Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator to AP’s apartment
    The BFG (The Big Fucking Glutton)
    Encyclopedia Brown and The Mystery of the Secret Cell Phone

  • I am drained tonight after spending a good bit of the day writing the text that would quite aptly fit many of your great titles. The sad part is it’s not fiction but rather the answer to interrogatories for the divorce. I found myself in tears several times reliving things like finding out the stbx was a long time serial cheater, all the mean things he said, and the meeting where he “fired the kids.” My lawyer said to be brief and complete. That is an oxymoron. I have a long way to go.

    Oh, how I wish “The Neverending Story” would end and I could move on to “The Land of Meh”.

    • I am sorry, FeelingIt. It is a being ran through the meat grinder again- just to escape these ass clowns. Their lack of shame has stopped me in my tracks many, many times.

      I know it is drudgery but it will pay off. And remember, the mean things he said are no reflection on your worth, beauty or value.

      Let’s hope his crotch rots off, and then he dies in a ditch after being gang raped by a roving band of crystal meth addicts.

  • I am still laughing over Bi-Curious George …

    I am in Australia, so A Sausage Went For A Walk seems apposite.

  • Late to the party and I haven’t read the whole thread but I gotta throw this out there:

    The Wizard of Id

  • I haven’t read them all but Roald Dahl does seem to be a favourite so I vote for:

    “The Twits”

    What a genius that man was – no need to change a thing

  • Diary of a Wimpy Dick.
    Chumpellina Ballerina, Basic Steps to Pick Me Dance.

  • Going On An Affair Hunt (Going On A Bear Hunt)
    Make Way For Fucklings (Make Way for Ducklings)
    Big Dick (Big Pumpkin)
    Stellaloon (Stellaluna)
    Goodnight Tool (Goodnight Moon)
    My favorites and No change needed:
    Frog and Toad Are Friends (cause every cheater has a friend who cheats)
    Me Too!
    Just A Little Sick
    Just Me and Mommy
    Just Me and Daddy
    Goodnight Little Critter
    Just Go To Bed (okay Mercer Mayer is the bomb?)
    The Little Prince
    The Borrowers
    Go, Dog. Go!
    Holes
    Millions of Cats
    Tuesday
    These are just off the top of my head…to our newbies, infidelity sucks. It blows up everything we love, it hurts big time, and it requires us to begin anew. Out of the ashes…. Much of the process is just getting through it. Baby steps. Know it gets better. CL, CN, and No Contact are very much the way to heal. And for those who have babes in arms, many of these books are on lists for children’s best!

  • So many times this weekend, I have burst out laughing over these. I keep saying out loud:

    Goodnight, Goon.

    I never grasped how gallows humor could actual help, but it can.

  • Chumpellina Ballerina Learns To Rock ….& Roll Over Cheater With Divorce Papers.

  • “The Lord of the Flings”
    “The Seven Chinese Brothels”
    “Lord of the Lies”

  • The Little King
    He was prancing around like he thought he was a king. Treating his wife like dirt and treating some whore like a queen.
    Well, that’s not even true really. In my case, or most affairs. I’d guess. Maybe some of these broads reap benefits, material and otherwise, but most of them just get treated like low rent unpaid prostitutes or free Therapists for listening to every mundane thought that flitters thru these lying cheaters limited brains. No thanks.

    Unless I’m pretty off, ex’s whore got nothing out of him other than some secret texts and phone calls, a crappy “trinket” for her birthday, and a few cheap lunches. Don’t know many hookers who work that cheap. Their real payoff is that little ego boost they get from thinking they are superior to the guy’s wife. How very special.

  • Willy Wonker and the Chock Full o’ Lies Factory

    Poor Me and Other Tales From the Mouths of Lying Pie Holes

    The Adventures of Captain Couldn’t-Keep-It-In-His Pants

    The Big A-B-C Book of Affairs

  • The Secret Seven girlfriends

    Harry Potter and the Court Order

    Charlotte’s Web (of Lies)

    Dogger

    The Curious Incident of the Bitch in the Nightime

    The Lord of the Penis Rings

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