I have only been with one person my entire life, we were each other’s first. We both met when we were 20, got engaged at 25, married at 26, then unfortunately divorced at 27.
I’ve been through a lot, I was in medical school and he told me his true feelings a couple months before I had to take the board exam, saying he had feelings for someone else (one of my best friends, also in medical school) and that we lack chemistry. Marrying me was the “next step to fix our relationship.” He left with the only explanation of the lack of chemistry.
The lack of chemistry made him unhappy and felt “trapped” to the point where he seriously thought of suicide. After he left, I broke down, begging him to come back, repeatedly asking why. He told me I never appreciated him, couldn’t make him happy, we wanted different things in life and we lacked chemistry. WTF is chemistry?
Seven months later, I found out he’s been with that friend of mine. From the time he told me about his feelings to then, I’d been opening up to her and telling her everything, because I blindly trusted both of them. Who knows what she’s been telling him? This whole thing has led me to a very dark depression. I feel like I’m not good enough or worth enough.
I think if the person who knew me the best was so unhappy because of ME, to the point of suicide, I can’t trust myself and that I must be a horrible person. It may be great in the beginning but it will slowly fade and another person will just walk out on me like he did. I constantly have nightmares as myself being the third person just watching them. I know I need to move on, but I just don’t know how.
When I was in medical school he worked full time supporting me. The other woman and I are both doctors now. She moved to be with him and I moved back home to be closer to family. I know this fucking sucks and it hurts so bad, but I can’t help feeling this is what I deserve. I wasn’t enough for him, so he needed to find it in someone else. That he’s the best I could’ve gotten and when I put school first before him, he left, and I deserve it. I didn’t appreciate him and I took him for granted. I guess this whole thing is still unreal sometimes, like I’m in this bad nightmare that just keeps going.
None of this was your fault. Please stop blaming yourself at once! You were betrayed by the two people closest to you — and that is some traumatic shit. It’s totally normal to have nightmares. It’s totally normal to try and untangle that great big skein of fuckupedness (WHY? WHY? WHY?!) and imagine that it’s you, because if was you, you could control that outcome — you could fix it! and save it! Chumps take the blame mostly because cheaters blameshift their crappy behavior on to us (you lack “chemistry”) and also because thinking we are somehow at fault is less terrifying than vulnerability.
Medchump, love makes us vulnerable. You can’t commit to someone without making yourself vulnerable. Sexual and emotional intimacy requires trust — a sacred trust. That’s why marriage is a lofty pronouncement of commitment and you do it in front of a high court of judges, priests, and family elders. It MATTERS. He violated that commitment — he cheated on you, and worse, he blameshifted his atrocious behavior and tried to get you to believe HE was the true victim, not you.
I’m going to put each one of your fears through the Universal Bullshit Translator, okay?
1.) You lacked chemistry. That’s some nebulous bullshit right there. What? Did you have a Vitamin D deficiency? These vague excuses (see also: “we grew apart”) benefit cheaters because you can never quite identify the exact quality you were lacking. Just that this lack was you. That part we’re clear on.
I suppose this is his ham-fisted way of saying you lacked sexual attraction. What, for seven whole years? The chemistry was so lacking that he married you? That’s an awfully long time to conduct his chemistry experiment.
The UBT translates “we lacked chemistry” to “I want new pussy.”
2.) You didn’t appreciate him sufficiently. Okay, let’s say you didn’t appreciate him sufficiently. (I’m not quite sure what that looks like. Thank him for every paycheck? Throw confetti if he empties the dishwasher?) Let’s say for the sake of argument that you’re a horrible, ungrateful shrew who has her head buried in an anatomy book and is never there for him. That doesn’t make what he did okay. Betrayal is a disproportionate punishment to the perceived offense (not appreciating him). Blowing your life up before you sit for your medical boards? Seriously? What other things do your faults compel him to do? Napalm villages?
He abused you. He cheated on you, he abused your trust, he sabotaged your career, frankly. All because, what? You lacked chemistry and didn’t appreciate the the splendidness of a baby-man cheater? Do you see how ridiculous this is?
He has AGENCY. Cheating on you was a CHOICE he made to address his “unhappiness.” If I don’t like the letter you wrote me, I don’t get to steal your wallet. My displeasure does not give me license to be unethical and cruel.
3.) You made him so miserable he wanted to kill himself. Poor sausage. If anyone ever tries a line like that on you again, call 911 for an emergency psych evaluation. If he’s truly suicidal, he’ll get the help he so desperately needs. If he’s being a manipulative fuckwit, he’ll never try that shit again after a 72-hour lock-up.
How dare he make this about HIS unhappiness after what he did to you! Where is his remorse? Where is his regret? Did he consider YOUR potential depression and instability at this totally vulnerable time in your education? Fuck him.
4.) You’re not good enough. Marriage doesn’t require perfection. It requires commitment. None of us are perfect. You are worthy of love. You are ENOUGH. Hell, you’re MIGHTY. You were dealt that death blow, and you passed your boards. Somehow you’re standing here today a doctor — an amazing, strong, educated woman with a career that HELPS people! You are a stock that will always trade highly — you love with your whole heart and you can earn one hell of a living.
Your ex? He’s a cheater. A manipulative asshole with crap life skills shackled to the same — a self-serving, two-faced bitch. A woman who happily listened to your misery and heartbreak and got a contact high. She enjoyed winning that pick me dance. And I hope she sufficiently appreciates him (dance! dance!) and that their “chemistry” burns like the sulfurous hellscape that it is.
The good news is you WON, Medchump. You’re young and successful and free of a cheater. Don’t spend one more second blaming yourself for losing a turd. Trust that he sucks. ((Hugs))