I once wrote a tongue-in-cheek column, “Don’t Date This Person,” which had a glaring omission — Jesus cheaters.
That’s probably because Jesus cheaters are their own distinct category of fuckupedness. Could anything be more narcissistic than thinking you speak for God?
I realize the other major world religions have their versions of Jesus cheaters too. Christianity doesn’t have the market cornered on hypocritical douchebags. But that said, I do think the New Testament lends itself to a certain sort of spackle that the disordered love to exploit.
So — you asked for it — here are the Jesus cheaters!
Phillip Forgiveness — God has spoken to Phillip and forgiven him, so I think you should too. Phillip forgives himself! So what’s your problem? He prayed on this! We’re all good! I think you need to cast out the demons of bitterness and get over it. Jesus told Phillip that’s what Jesus would do.
Holier Than Holly — Holly has slept with half the choir and most of the finance committee. She doesn’t understand why God made you so ugly that you can’t keep your man. She’s just trying to sustain these men from the affliction of your inadequacies. Holly considers herself a saver of marriages, really. If it weren’t for the Wake Up Call of Infidelity to make you realize how much you suck, you never would’ve tried to improve. You can thank her. I think you should.
Deacon Dan — Don’t let the sweater vest fool you. Dan’s a pervert.
Martyre Martha — You weren’t meeting her emotional needs. But Bob on the liturgy committee, he understands. You have such a dirty mind! They went to that hotel for BIBLE STUDY. Martha is a SPIRITUAL person, unlike you. Of course you wouldn’t understand because you’ve never wanted her to be happy. You’re jealous of her relationship with God… and Bob.
Ezekiel Love Bunny — Ezekiel would like a hug. And another longer lingering one. Maybe a kiss? Hey, Ezekiel is just that kind of guy! Friendly! Would you begrudge someone FRIENDS? You’re so withholding. Can Ezekiel help it if people like him better than they like you? Maybe it’s because you’re so uptight. You should work on that. He’ll be sending you some scripture to meditate on while he’s out with his “friends.”
Amazing Grace — God saved a wretch like her. Was she stealing opiates from sick people? Did she lift your wallet? Well, that’s all in the past. Why won’t you put her on the finance committee? Are you going to hold those youthful embezzlement charges against her? That was THEN. Before God’s grace! Don’t you believe in Grace?
Willy We’re-All-Sinners! An emotional assassin whose weapon of choice is the false equivalency. Did Willy cheat? Well you don’t load the dishwasher right! We’re all sinners. Ye without sin cast the first stone. You make mistakes too and we’re all equal before the eyes of God. Did he mention how much you SUCK at loading the dishwasher? Because you do, but he was too much of a Christian to mention it before.
This column ran before and yet Jesus cheaters still slither among us. Time for a retread.