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Jesus Cheaters

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Jesus CheatersI once wrote a tongue-in-cheek column, “Don’t Date This Person,” which had a glaring omission — Jesus cheaters.

That’s probably because Jesus cheaters are their own distinct category of fuckupedness. Could anything be more narcissistic than thinking you speak for God?

I realize the other major world religions have their versions of Jesus cheaters too. Christianity doesn’t have the market cornered on hypocritical douchebags. But that said, I do think the New Testament lends itself to a certain sort of spackle that the disordered love to exploit.

So — you asked for it — here are the Jesus cheaters!

Phillip Forgiveness — God has spoken to Phillip and forgiven him, so I think you should too. Phillip forgives himself! So what’s your problem? He prayed on this! We’re all good! I think you need to cast out the demons of bitterness and get over it. Jesus told Phillip that’s what Jesus would do.

Holier Than Holly — Holly has slept with half the choir and most of the finance committee. She doesn’t understand why God made you so ugly that you can’t keep your man. She’s just trying to sustain these men from the affliction of your inadequacies. Holly considers herself a saver of marriages, really. If it weren’t for the Wake Up Call of Infidelity to make you realize how much you suck, you never would’ve tried to improve. You can thank her. I think you should.

Deacon Dan  Don’t let the sweater vest fool you. Dan’s a pervert.

Martyre Martha — You weren’t meeting her emotional needs. But Bob on the liturgy committee, he understands. You have such a dirty mind! They went to that hotel for BIBLE STUDY. Martha is a SPIRITUAL person, unlike you. Of course you wouldn’t understand because you’ve never wanted her to be happy. You’re jealous of her relationship with God… and Bob.

Ezekiel Love Bunny —  Ezekiel would like a hug. And another longer lingering one. Maybe a kiss? Hey, Ezekiel is just that kind of guy! Friendly! Would you begrudge someone FRIENDS? You’re so withholding. Can Ezekiel help it if people like him better than they like you? Maybe it’s because you’re so uptight. You should work on that. He’ll be sending you some scripture to meditate on while he’s out with his “friends.”

Amazing Grace — God saved a wretch like her. Was she stealing opiates from sick people? Did she lift your wallet? Well, that’s all in the past. Why won’t you put her on the finance committee? Are you going to hold those youthful embezzlement charges against her? That was THEN. Before God’s grace! Don’t you believe in Grace?

Willy We’re-All-Sinners! An emotional assassin whose weapon of choice is the false equivalency. Did Willy cheat? Well you don’t load the dishwasher right! We’re all sinners. Ye without sin cast the first stone. You make mistakes too and we’re all equal before the eyes of God. Did he mention how much you SUCK at loading the dishwasher? Because you do, but he was too much of a Christian to mention it before.

This column ran before and yet Jesus cheaters still slither among us. Time for a retread. 

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Christian counselors like to endorse this shit. My exh wasn’t a Jesus cheater,but some Christian counselors brought up these points. At one session, from out of nowhere, one counselor said to exh, “She’s not better than you”. She told him that I am sinner too and there is no difference in sins. All transgressions are the same.
    I could not believe what I was hearing. Maybe that’s why exh told me at a later time that God was okay with adultery.

    • Yeah, that is why ‘Do not commit adultery’ is one of the 10 commandments.

      Cheaters are masters at gaslighting and justification. Whether they are using bible quotes, laws, or anything else is besides the point. It is simply the avenue they choose to perpetuate the mind fuck. It just seems more messed up because they are using moral code.

      • Ha, get me free, I love how you dismantle all their arguments with just one sentence. I am sure, though, that a lot of the Jesus Justifiers will counter than the old testament is just so terribly old fashioned, and we know that a lot of it is merely of historical interest now, and will quote the old’ ‘Love one another as I have loved you’ stuff (I doubt Jesus was into the bad touch, but anyway) and the ‘Do unto others’ stuff, which perverts will just revel in.

        • Sorry, pressed too soon, and of course, being New Testament is ‘much more current’, and ‘ more applicable to modern life’.

          • Fine. Then about this from the New Testament:

            “Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied, “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.” ~ Matthew 19:17

            Straight from Jesus’ mouth to obey those old fashioned commandments.

            • No where in the bible does it say that adultery is okay. As a matter of fact, it is mentioned 52 times and is usually lumped together with such sins as murder.

              • Considering they’re generally too lazy to even go to a different area code, a different moral code sounds pretty far fetched by even my sinful standards.

            • Oh, I totally agree. But cheaters will be cheaters and cherrypick to suit. Whether they are a dodgy Christian, Lawyer or Accountant, they will hold you to the letter of the law when it suits them as justification, but ignore that which makes them look bad.

              • Where is the LIKE button. You are spot on. My narc stbxh hides behind the church and his “elder” roles. In the mean time, “all the ajax in the world” wont clean his dirty laundry!

            • OMG. Straight out of Jesus’s mouth to obey. Yet everyone, including the church, gets hung up on BS schemantics.

    • I hate when cheaters use the Scripture that says all sin is equally bad to God as an excuse for false equivalency. Obviously, sins vary in havoc and destruction in the lives of others, and consequences are real. Lives are ruined by adultery sometimes for generations.

      My Christian counselor told me there are worse things than divorce. He was right.

  • One of the first things cheater boy did during his brief, dramatic sorrow stage (lots of tears, lots of “poor, poor pitiful me”) was purchase a Bible to put on the nightstand in the bachelor pad I forced him into ASAP. Dust collector all the way. Pretty sure he could not read it if he tried, much less comprehend a thing. Prosperity preachers are much more his speed, because everyone knows God wants you to be filthy rich. Magical thinking. Perhaps he thought sleeping near a Bible would confer grace and wisdom by osmosis, or perhaps it was the perfect spot to set his coffee mug without risking a ring in the wood of the nightstand.

    • That might be too deep. He was probably going for the hotel vibe and praying to be blessed with room service and maids to clean when he leaves.

    • Cashmere, I’m in fucking tears, all the way (tears if hysterical laughter,) of your critique of your ex cheater. Holy shit! That was too funny…Bible, dust collector, fucking OSMOSIS, coffee mug ring…sheesh, sounds a bit too much like mine that mother fucker could barely make it through a sentence…wow…

    • Ah yes, the waif that needs to be saved, but in more down to earth ways than Jesus can currently offer. My father was a Jesus Cheater, but he didn’t use the lord’s word to justify his actions, but rather just the opportunities provided by several services, choir practice and planning for lessons to schtup the sunday school teacher in a years-long affair, until she fell pregnant. Many of the congregation were life-long family and friends, and sure, he was demoted out of his positions (which pissed him off, he couldn’t really see the incongruity) but once he got over some of the immediate shame, his attitude was, ‘Well, I’m going to hell anyway, might as well go big or go home’. As a very sheltered child, with strong religious conviction, this shattered my world, and one of the biggest sadnesses of my life is my loss of faith, and probably more importantly the loss of bedrock community that occurred as a direct result of his actions. He told me a couple of years after this that he wasn’t sure he believed in God, but basically went to church to hedge his bets, just in case. But then he always a narcissist who thought he was ten times smarter than everyone else, and would never in a million years considered how hearing this from a parent would impact on a child. Nothing quite like having your confidence in the truth of your life shattered by both unexpected infidelity and the loss of respect for a parent to make you feel insecure about things for the rest of your days. Nice setup for Chumpdom, too.

      • *the opportunities provided by several services, choir practice and planning for lessons each week.

        • Yet people insist that they only cheated on their spouse and it has nothing to do with the children.

  • My ex husband went to a hotel room to “think about things” and “pray” for a week. He also took his bible with him. When I checked his phone when he got home he had emailed and chatted with at least 50 people from Craigslist and had obtained several numbers. But don’t worry, he’s an equal opportunity cheater, there was a good mix of men and women in that bunch. He’s definitely non-discriminatory!

    • My ex also used the hotel to “think” excuse. I guess he thought I was pretty stupid. I’m not. He underestimated every step of the way. Idiot!

    • mine wants to be a bottom with men cuz he is stressed out. seriously.

      Undercover gay = not acceptable. We thought we married straight husbands…and we got THIS!?!?!?

      • Though not a book about cheaters so much, I did find Rabbi Netter’s “Divorce Is a Mitzvah” to be helpful.

      • Right!! Because the Muslim version of the RIC is alive and well. The prevailing advice is not to tell ANYONE about the cheating, to make yourself irresistible, and to pray for him to be guided back to the right path.

        Yes, prayer is powerful and only Allah can turn the hearts, but the Quran doesn’t have an entire chapter entitled “Al-Talaq,” or “The Divorce,” for nothing! If the cheater/abuser/drinker etc persists in their disobedience of Allah, the spouse is 100% entitled to a divorce and maintenance (alimony).

        Yet surprise, surprise … my ex’s dad, the “Acting Imam” of our mosque, tried to tell me I was abandoning him. What a joke! Apparently I was supposed to take my case for a religious divorce (we weren’t married by the state) to a committee of officers. This would have included my ex because he was the treasurer! Oh, and this other “brother” who’d cheated multiple times on his wife, a woman who had cried when I told her I was leaving and said she’d go too except she was afraid he’d hurt her and take her house.

        It boggles my mind that people can profess faith and then brazenly sin like this without considering the long game. Forget the chumps throwing your stuff on the lawn, what are you going to do when The Creator of the heavens and the earth calls you to account?

        Thank God I got away from him and his toxic community. I’m building a better life with Allah to guide me.

        • Wow Freckles!! Nice to read that you got out!

          Yes, it boggles my mind too that people can profess faith and then brazenly lie like this. But ya know what my trauma therapist told me? That the disordered are attracted to the faithful! Why? Because we are forgiving, have a sin-covering eye, hate divorce, value the family, believe in redemption and do not gossip or slander (so they can stay in the community and find new victims). The faithful are so easily exploited!! But just remember: God is watching, and He sees everything.

        • Jedi Hugs Freckles! Sounds like the same thing as Jesus cheaters takes place, just Muslim version.

        • Freckles,
          I sincerely believe they aren’t true believers. In my religion, I consider myself “lazy” but I FEAR the day when I am called on the carpet to account for EVERY sin. I am not perfect, I don’t have scripture memorized by chapter and line, but I DO know the concepts. And the concepts are:1) don’t willingly do evil 2) do better today than you did yesterday (aka it is called growth!). My cheater hubby thinks it is okay to show up to church, sit on a few committees, and pretend to be pious. In the mean time, he is soliciting sex up the butt from MEN. Lets see…adultry and sodomy right there….

    • And, I’m glad you did Divorce Minister. It kept me from falling into the “why does God hate me?” trap or the “God wants you to forgive” trap or the other bizarre ways people use the word of God to hurt others and sparkle right over the horrible things that have been done. Thanks for the uplift and the perspective.

        • My priest told me that even God requires full confession of all sins, absolute remorse, repentance, and penance, and the sincere conviction to not repeat the sin, in order to grant absolution or forgiveness. He said I shouldn’t consider forgiveness without these things….and we all know how good cheaters are at all that list. He also said that there was plenty of evidence based on Ex’s behavior that he never sincerely entered into a sacramental marriage and that if that was the case continuing to be with him was wrong. He stopped before calling a lawyer for me–but only just! He saved me from my own willingness to spackle and wish to forgive that jerk.

          • Love to hear a story like this! God was looking out for you when He put that priest into your life.

          • This just got me thinking that we need another term than forgiveness for moving past cheating (or other bad things that happen to us) that is healthy for us to do. I have read a couple of books on forgiveness and they both have made the point that it is to help the chump (not their words of course) move past bitterness. It has nothing to do with condoning the cheaters actions. But, forgiveness is such a complex term in that it has so many connotations. So, we need a new word – here it is “meh”. To reach “meh” we have to let go of our focus on someone else and focus on what is healthy for ourselves. When we do this, the past stops controlling our present. It definitely does not mean we have to be friends with people who have hurt us. We just eventually let shit go and live a new life. I think that is what “forgiveness” now is for me. I have had to work towards it and have some days I backslide, but for the most part am having a “meh” experience now.

            • I choose to interpret forgiveness as simply accepting things couldn’t be any different. Nothing more. Maybe that will work for others.

    • I have really got a lot of help from reading your blog divorce minister. I have been relatively lucky to have a really supportive church family overall. My STBX and I had been members of the same church for many years, I am the youth worker, and he was actively involved in helping me out with that for many years. He was also involved in the events committee and was actively involved in attending meetings and planning the Christmas event whilst engaging in his affair. He is a remorseless cheater who walked out in January halfway through my pregnancy. The main problem I have with the church and with many others I guess is, they don’t really understand that who he is now is who has has always been. I guess I don’t really understand that. I also get a lot of questions/comments like ‘It must be hard to realise your marriage hasn’t worked out, especially since it was a Christian marriage.’ I just say well yes of course it is, but what do you expect me to do about it, make him not a cheater and a liar.

        • Lousy response Alison. She didn’t marry Jesus. She married a MAN who was supposed to love her and the family that created TOGETHER. For your help, Jesus Loved EVERYONE and MARRIED NO ONE. The poster didn’t want Jesus. She wanted an honest, God fearing, loyal husband in which to create a FAMILY.

          Your glib posting just sucks Alison.

      • I have come to the conclusion that most people don’t understand what it is like to deal with a cheater. I know I didn’t before everything blew up. And just like we couldn’t wrap our heads around who they really were and we projected our values on the cheater, these people are doing the same. I would rather someone just say, “wow, that royally sucks”.

      • Thanks, pregnant chump, for the kind words! It sounds like those church people don’t want to deal with their own vulnerability. Being in a “Christian” marriage does not suddenly make you immune to infidelity.

        Besides, only God REALLY knows if our spouse is a Christian or not. Unrepentant adultery is a pretty strong indicator that they are NOT (see Hebrews 10:26-27)! (So, was it ever really a “Christian” marriage?)

        • I meant every word I said when I took my vows but clearly he did not. Liars and the disordered can pretend to be anything they want. As this blog post reveals there our loads of them who will use Christianity or other religions as a mask whilst abusing and raping the soul of their spouse. I am very thankful that this horrible experience has brought me closer to God not further away. I have had so much validation from Christian friends that I did the best I could and that divorce was my only real option.

      • I guess I think that, yes, there is a lot the church (faith community) can do to help with infidelity. After all, at some point, as a community, we are going to have to face the consequences of immorality on families, and what can religion do about it.

        For starters: men of impeccable integrity can talk to cheaters. Through friendship, they can influence their lack of accountability. Next, the church really, really needs to get ahead of porn. Porn drives the nuttiness that leads to affairs.

        The church community can support the values of humility and service, and be aware of the pitfalls of the sparkly celebrity, charisma person.

    • Your site brought me to chump lady. I was a little scared of the rawness on the site but a friend of mine quelled me when she pointed out that God hates adultery and you are angry at sin. Humor can be a coping mechanism. We truly are dealing with the devil here and it is a war.

    • DM, I love your blog. You’re providing a great ministry there.

      Fortunately, the Christian counselor I let my wife choose has her theology correct. I have not had to experience any of these issues from my counselor. She holds my wife accountable for the cheating, the betrayal and the ongoing lies. Of course my wife doesn’t care for that and has recently quit going to couples counseling. The worst I’ve experienced from church folks are a couple of people of who think I need to basically forget anything that has happened (including many lies since D-Day) and offer unconditional forgiveness and reconciliation.

    • Divorce Minister, Thank you for your ministry – it helped me through a time of feeling that I was insane and questioning every thing I thought I knew about churches (pastor spouse for 24 years) and pastoral ethics. Most helpful to me was the post on “Soul Rape.”

      • Thanks, bepositive! You will be happy to know that I have my teaching that adultery is soul rape in the first chapter of the book I am slowly trying to write. Stay tuned…

        [CL has been cheering me on in the long, laborious process of getting this book written.]

  • my ex said she was an athiest when she asked for a divorce(i knew and am one too) as if cheating was only bad if you followed the bible and she also said “i’m not seeing anyone” , 5 weeks later google timeline determined that was a lie in addition to texts and deleted emails still on the server

    • That’s an interesting twist. In a way, it’s a kind of religious cheating argument as well, isn’t it? The anti-Jesus cheater. Her convictions don’t include Christian morality so she couldn’t have done anything wrong. She quite forgets that one doesn’t have to be religious to adhere to a moral system. Who knew. they are all the same.

      • I (stupidly, chumpily!) tried to explain to my hoovering ex exactly WHY it is a problem to lie to people, on one of his multiple attempts to get me to ‘try again’ to repair our relationship, WHILE he was supposedly in a committed, monogamous relationship with Schmoopie. He gave me the greatest look of contempt, and said ‘I feel like I’m in a church being lectured’. We are both atheists and this, to him, was a valid dismissal of my ‘explanation’.

        Yeah, because EVERY religion condemns lying, JUST because ‘god’ or ‘the gods’ are against it! That has nothing to do with universal moral values and our abilities to live in collaborative groups, not matter what our beliefs!

        But at least, at that moment, I FINALLY realized that my ex and I simply didn’t share the same values, or the same goals for our lives. It wasn’t that he was clueless and socially impaired, it was the he DIDN’T CARE. That was a very liberating insight! And I never tried to explain any aspect of ‘adulting’ to him again.

        • This, there seem to be some Christians, especially of the Duggar variety (Josh just makes my skin crawl) who seem to think that it is only the morality handed down to them from God that stops them from reverting to the instincts of animals. Uh, the majority of the rest of us seem to generally work within the Judeo- Christian rules of ‘Do unto others’, even if we do not belong to any religious organisation, but if such a clear set of guidelines is the only thing keeping you from doing unspeakable things to other people, rather than just being decent, then clearly you are the one with the problem.

      • I’ve seen that kind of twisting of faith before. An OW acquaintance who was a devout Wiccan and very involved in the local Pagan community said that she wasn’t doing anything wrong because her faith doesn’t bind her to restrictive sexual rules like monogamy. Well the one rule it binds her to is “harm none” and knowingly cheating with a man in a relationship behind his partner’s back involves doing harm to the innocent party. Her excuse? If the guy’s partner never finds out, no harm is done, and the rule doesn’t get broken. Most of the people in the community condemned it because they’re decent people and participating in betraying someone is harming them, but more than a few agreed with her logic and said that since they were taking steps to be discreet, they were protecting the guy’s partner, and that made it okay.

        • What dicks. Whatever the moral code, those that want to get around it with strange variations on logic, will.

        • I’ve studied every religion I can and pagan/wiccan/those are the most moral and ethical I’ve seen. But as we know, there are always assholes in every religion. Exasshole went wiccan during the bullshit phase and he got no traction with them.

  • Don’t forget: Curt the Counselor: He is in charge of the Sex Addicts Anonymous Group (mainly because he is an admitted sex addict, but with a degree in ministry) and the lead counselor for all cheaters. His main counseling to the cheater is that 1) it isn’t the cheater’s fault, 2) everyone is a cheater, the exposed cheater is just ‘brave’ enough to be out in public with their sin while everyone else on the planet claiming not be a cheater is ‘hiding 3) ‘shame’ is bad and of the devil, so just accept the loving forgiveness of Jesus. Oh yeah, relapse is ‘expected’ so don’t feel bad. Just come and confess the five prostitutes you slept with last week to the anonymous group – and no need to tell your wife. In fact, don’t worry about your wife, because Curt’s Chump wife is working on her and letting her know that all sin is the same in the eyes of God and unforgiveness is a sin. As such, being angry with your husband for cheating is just as much a sin as cheating. And, since your cheater husband is ‘confessing your sins’ to Curt he has been forgiven. So, the only one in the bunch who actually might burn in hell for the rest of eternity is you because you are wallowing in unforgiveness. How many times are your required to forgive? Well, Jesus said 70 X 7 in one day, so if he cheats on you 70 X 7 times in one day (Matt 18:22), you are required to forgive that many times. Oh yeah – and forgiveness also means not judging. So, you haven’t forgiven him for cheating if you are asking him to pay any consequences. Oh yeah, and God throws sins into the ‘Sea of Forgetfulness”, so you aren’t even allowed to remember that cheater cheated on you 70 X 7 times in one day. Well, you can remember, but you will burn in hell because of that memory. By the way, that counseling session will be $250.

    • I am astonished at the “all sins are exactly equal argument.” That seems so obviously ridiculous to me. If that is so, then why bother to have a top 10 commandments? I have no idea about other religions, but Catholicism handily divides sins into mortal and venial and they are definitely not equal. It is really astounding the lengths that some people will go to to make everything the cheater does not really bad, and everything the chump does bordering on horrible. Spackle delivered in a dump truck for them and guilt and manipulation delivered in a train for the chump.

      • Agreed. And is it really different from civil laws? Punishment for rape or murder is very different from shoplifting or speeding. Cheaters twist things around any way they can to manipulate you and justify their actions.

      • Jesus said that, spiritually, thinking about adultery and lusting after someone else when you are married is like committing adultery. Meaning we are all flawed and need forgiveness and a Savior. We cannot keep God’s laws perfectly.

        In life here on Earth, however, the impact and consequences of actually taking action on your immoral thoughts and desires is huge.

      • I am no longer a Christian, but when I was – yes, it was said that all sins were ‘equal’ and that one sin is violating the entire law. It was also stated that “lusting after” someone was exactly the same as having a physical affair. So, just thinking about another person sexually was exactly the same as actually having an affair. In fact, this is an excuse I have heard predatory Cheater Christians make – adultery is no different than lusting, so go ahead and go all the way – exact same things in the eyes of God anyway. This is also pushed forward in the concept of “all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” Basically, you cannot call out someone else’s sin (sleeping with the 19 year old neighbor when you have been married for twenty years) because you ate a cupcake yesterday that you know you shouldn’t have (gluten). So, my eating a cupcake is the exact same in the eyes of God as a cheater that had five affairs.

        • Black and white thinking, with no gradations and no gray zones, is entirely unhealthy, always, no matter where or when it is applied.

        • Then why are sins divided into venial and mortal? That alone clearly indicates that some are worse than others.

        • This idea comes from people interpreting the bible for others and those others accepting it. Read the book yourself or get off the train. I read it, I got off the train. I’m cool with those that read it and stay (hi Divorce Minister!). But don’t let someone else tell you what your own holy book says. Jedi Hugs!

          • Thinking about someone else when you’re married just because his crotch is splashed across a 50ft. Billboard advert for tighty whities that’s virtually stuck in your face while you’re stuck in traffic is the SAME?

            That’s it. No more questions: I am so going to hell.
            (can I make a reservation for January?)

  • My X is a Minister. Missy Piggy is ALSO a Minister. So…..if the clergy are running around breaking most of the commandments all willy-nilly – what hope is there that the rest of the flock isn’t fucked up in some way or other ?!?

    I feel that I was gaslighted by the entire dioceses to be honest.

    Mary Magdeline JC – she is a good Christian woman married to a man who just doesn’t get her ( needs for cheating that is ). Your husband is doing his best to council her through her problems ( fucking others ) and she NEEDS him.

    Did he mention that she is in a terrible marriage and that she has financial problems too?

    Maybe she and her kids should move in with us ( actually said to me ).

    I hope you don’t mind ( oooops – too late ) that I am helping her fix all of her problems. Financially, sexually and emotionally.

    I am such a good Christian ( good guy )!!
    She needs to be saved.

    • Lucky – My ex and his OW (now wife) are both pastors as well. I agree about feeling gaslighted by the entire diocese and haven’t been to church since Dday. I mean if the people to hold pastors accountable won’t do it, why would I feel the church has anything to offer me but a bunch of hypocritical comments.

      Yep, “she” was in an abusive relationship. When I asked how she was being abused, he didn’t know and didn’t think he should push her on that. I was asked if I realized how stressful this situation was for Pastor Ho – she lost 10 pounds due to the stress! My reaction was, “seriously, two pastors cheating on their spouses and I’m supposed to feel sorry because she’s stressed?”

      I have waaayyy less stress with him out of my life although my adult daughter is still stressed out by him.

      Pastor Ho and Pastor Imacheater deserve each other. I just wish their current church knew what transpired.

    • Good God, they suggested she move in! That is a gigantic shit sandwich that no one could choke down. The nerve. I am so sorry you ever had to hear that statement.

  • When I look back on the insanity that was my life six years ago, the one thing that still gives me heartburn is the OW’s hypocritical religiosity. She wasn’t one of the characters listed by CL, she was a combination of them. And every single time her bad behavior was exposed, she fell back on her favorite phrase, “I’m not perfect, just forgiven.” Whenever I hear someone spout that nonsense, I run for the door!

    I understand we are human, we are going to make mistakes. But to use Jesus as an excuse for bad behavior is reprehensible. Besides, doesn’t a person have to repent to be forgiven? That’s the part that most of these Jesus cheaters seem to want to ignore. OW never wanted to do the hard work of making amends. No, she wanted to use Jesus as a shield for her misconduct. Sorry, but Jesus is not a get; he did not die so you could screw whoever you want with no consequences.

    I am always reminded of Ted Bundy when the subject of forgiveness arises. Teddy was “saved” before his execution and the fellow who saved him was so proud of his conversion. In his view, Bundy was now a candidate for eternal life. I thought even attempting to “save” Bundy was outrageous. Sorry, but if there is a hell, no amount of prayer should get a serial killer into heaven. Call me petty, but I think his conduct precluded admission to the pearly gates. God is not the spiritual equivalent of a “get out of jail free” card.

    • I agree Violet. While I think any one theoretically “could” be forgiven, there is certainly no guarantee that they “will” be forgiven. I think those jail house conversions are almost always just one final con.

    • I believe that only God knows if Ted Buddy was really forgiven because only God knows his true heart. Just because Ted claimed to have been saved doesn’t mean that those weren’t just words to get a response he was looking for…perhaps additional attention?

      How many of our cheaters are the same? Impression management is a powerful force behind a lot of the outrageous claims they make.

    • I hate that mentality of “I’m not perfect so I’ll do whatever I want”. I’m not perfect either. Not by a long stretch! I’m selfish, I’ve stopped exercising completely since d-day, I cry over anything and always have, I’m afflicted with a medical condition called trucker mouth (like potty mouth only times a billion), I’m short, I didnt finish college, I talk too much, I bite my finger nails, I’m lazy AF, I’m a total slob, I load the dishwasher badly sometimes, I used to be VERY religious (teenage conversion) and now I’m not. But guess what. Even with my myriad of imperfections I know it’s WRONG to fuck someone else’s person! And I’ve NEVER DONE IT! I’ve never done it with someone that wasn’t my husband while I was married. Imagine that. A (semi) godless heathen like me and I haven’t even fucked all the other husbands or even boyfriends or even just some regular single schmo that wasn’t my husband! WHAT?! Even with ALL my imperfections and somehow I’m able to realize you DON’T CHEAT and then claim Jesus is okay with it. Part of that whole thing is identifying sinful behavior and trying NOT to take part! Forgive them for they know not what they do is FOR godless heathens! Jesus knows you know better and are purposely committing sin because you are an evil DOUCHEBAG! Makes me so mad, Jesus cheaters exploit actual believers and then try to claim God thinks it’s okay and for the poor religious chump how can they argue against an all knowing God? SMH

    • Gag, it takes someone supremely comfortable with themselves to be able to live with the dissonance of that coverall statement. I’m thinking lack of adaptive anxiety comfortable…

  • My serial Jesus cheater was an “emptylectual”, with an advanced religion degree from Univ. of Chicago, and so graciously taught Sunday School (and still does as far as I know) for the masses. Anyway, during his long term affair with the bunny boiler, he would go to the early church service, then out to his car in the parking lot where he would sext the bunny boiler, sending her dick pics, and she’d send pics of her nipple rings (they were in their late 50’s at the time). Then he would leave his phone on and put it in his top pocket so she could listen to him teach the class. His words were so magical!

    This was before D-day, but I must have had a sense something was going on. I had stopped going to church with him, but I guess he needed more than just the class members to tell him how brilliant and special he was. Of all the shit he did (and there was a lot) for some reason this one really turns my stomach.

    • Mine was a Sunday School teacher too, who also made trips to the car for sexting. Worse, any Sunday that I did not attend, he would invite her in my place. Kids on one side of him, mistress in the other, holding hands right there in “our” pew. Worst of all, I’m sure many of the other parishoners who knew us as a family must have recognized that something shady was going on, but not one single person saw fit to clue me in. I stopped going to church after DDay and now consider myself an agnostic.

      • Wow. What never ceases to amaze me is the absolute brazenness of it all. A normal person would know it’s NOT okay to hold hands with his mistress in church, But these disordered fucks? It gives them a thrill to think they have pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes. The lying and deception gives them an extra rush, a spark only the two of them share.

        X once invited OW to our home for dinner for no damn good reason, other than to get that thrill. I did not know about the affair, but I knew something was up. OW sat at my dining room table, surveying my home as if it were her own. It was downright creepy to see her act as if she were queen of the manor. I know the two of them thought it was really special to be the only ones in the room with a “secret”. Fuckers.

        • That is sooooooo….. sick…….I have no patience I would have hit him with a bat….which would be well deserved and then some

  • Oh I am very familiar with the “godly” cheater. STBX prositute use, porn use and marital money going to strippers is just a symptom of broken man, but let’s not forget man is broken because “it’s all Eve’s fault”. That little hussy drove him to eat that apple! His god given “free will” isn’t really free you see, because “Eve made him do it”. I really hope you are picking up on the sarcasm here! How does douche canoes religion twisting family deal with the truth of why we are divorcing??? Well let’s put all their beloved’s sons sins upon someone else (I call it projection religion calls it being the sacrificial lamb) and poof, all his sins are forgiven. Unless you’ve lived it, it is very hard to explain. I think the biggest thing I’ve walked away from this spiritual abuse with is this; those that twist religion to justify their own shitty behavior are using religion to tell others how “they” should live i.e. Be Humble, forgiving, gracious, kind, etc., instead of focusing on how they should be applying these religious rules to themselves, i.e. Don’t lie, cheat, steal, commit adultery. The rules apply to everyone else, but not themselves. I’ve found the hypocritical Christians believe they are “good people” by default of saying they believe in god, not because of any measures they take to ACTUALLY work to become good people. Now I’m not saying all Christians feel morally superior by association, but the ones that have left a bad taste in my mouth certainly were.

    • Yep. “By their deeds you will know them.” Liars lie. Saying your Christian and believe in God means nothing if you aren’t behaving in a good manner.

  • My ex is a pastor in a pretty conservative denomination. He is still preaching at a church about an hour away & apparently they have no idea that he committed adultery for the last three years he’s been there (pre-divorce) & now just fornication with women he met online. The fact that none of this hypocracy bothers him or has caused him to realize that maybe, just maybe he should step back from active ministry just underscores his narcicissm. Yes, everyone’s a sinner, all sins are equal yadda yadda, but there’s also that whole contrition and repentance thing. Go & sin no more, right? And trust me, there are lots of kibbles for a NPD pastor–sexual and non-sexual (great sermon, Pastor; you’re so inspiring!). Best part is that less than a week before D-day, he was on my case for my lack of involvement in church!

  • Campfire lyrics for Jesus Cheaters

    Jesus loves me, this I know.
    For my soul mate told me so.
    Special ones to him belong.
    We are great and you are wrong.

    Yes, Jesus loves me.
    Yes, Jesus loves me.
    Yes, Jesus loves me.

    He loves us more than you.

  • I hate them too!!
    OW is a Jesus Cheater, and her determination to have all our marriages annulled because “marrying in a church is SO important!” was particularly repugnant to me. I told my ex that I would have no part of that lie (and the idiot didn’t realise Uniting church weddings don’t get annulled anyway). They had to have a civil ceremony (who cares? Her priest didn’t)
    My atheist ex-husband used to have enormous contempt for religious hypocrites, yet he saw no irony in his devout princess sleeping with him, a married school parent, then pleading for a church wedding . When he left he turned religious and showed me a Catholic saint app on his phone! ?
    Another friend whose dad left for a Jesus Cheater told me that her stepmother had told her mother “my dearest wish is that you will die so that I can get my church wedding”. The karma bus came – she said her dad later described it as the biggest mistake of his life.

    • Yes, this is just the mimicking and mirroring. Whatever his partner likes or believes, he likes and believes. Narcs become whatever their current target needs. Because they are predatory.

      X has had 3 full blown church weddings now. I do not think he is standing before God each and every time promising this time is different. He is bold. And no one calls him out on his shit. Ever. He gets away with it all.

  • I’m realizing how lucky i was that Mac and I were only together for a few months- bet I would have had all this to look for if we’d gotten married.

  • I don’t know a lot about OW (now wife) but I do know she is a Christian as the very brief internet search I did on her when I first found out who she was brought up a couple of religious talks of hers. I didn’t listen, obviously. There was also a picture of her that looked to have been taken working with some indigenous children somewhere on some kind of mission (again only search!).
    I’m not religious (maybe a secular Buddhist!) but the fact that she was actually initially was a comfort to me – I thought it might mean that she would at least be kind to my children. But no – my boring middle class children don’t make her look good so pass on that one. They really are a match made in heaven (pardon the pun!).
    Narc-boy wouldn’t even know the Lord’s Prayer but, according to my older daughter has started going to church too! I guess if you have no soul of your own you do have to mirror that of your schmoopie’s. I really can’t imagine it. Mind you he would definitely fit the profile of Philip Forgiveness – he talked a lot about my lack of forgiveness (for repeated use of prostitutes/enormous financial infidelity – the things I knew about) but there wasn’t a lot of repentenance!
    My older daughter was somewhat of a religious skeptic but is completely contemptuous of Christianity since this all happened. I have nothing against any religion but, like most of us, I do despise hypocrisy.

    • People who don’t mind faking a life for their image in the secular world, don’t mind faking a life for the religious world either. In fact, it’s so much more fun and easy to chump truly good people because they are looking for good in others.

    • I hate that, “don’t judge me, I’m safe in the arms of Jesus” crap, where the person has the self-confidence of a mountain due to feeling noone but God can question them, and their direct line to God tells them “Do whatever feels good for YOU”. Simplistic, but obviously their narciness allows it. Meanwhile, chumps are filled with self-doubt and recrimination…

  • This is one of the biggest red flags I ever ignored- embarrassing but here goes. I was so impressed with stbx’s dedication to his church when we were first dating. That was extremely important to me. I now know now that his church was really just the ethnic social club he was brought up with and carries no spiritual meaning. I decided to convert to this religion before we married. I took it very seriously and studied it and counseled with the clergy of the church of my youth.

    First sign I ignored- stbx’s mother in law ” you don’t have to convert, we will accept you anyway”. Shouldn’t you be thrilled your dil would want to convert to your religion?

    As part of the conversion, I had to have confession with a priest. As I came out of the confession area, I was admonished by cheater for having spoken to loudly and now he had to change his confession. Translation: I don’t really believe this shit, I do it to have the image and now the priest is going to know about my sin.

    Since the cheating, he has told daughter to read the Bible and the 10 commandments and honor her father. He didn’t even take a bible with him when he left and definitely hasn’t been to church. He has never initiated in conversation about God, or religion with the children. He has had no part in their religious education. Daughter told him to read the commandment about adultery- silence on that. He says “we are all sinners and Jesus forgives us all. “. Our religion would agree to a point but he leaves out the part that we must repent of our sins and go forth trying to sin no more.

    He wasn’t who I wanted him to be. I should have known, maybe I did, I just had hopium that I was wron or he would change. Now it hurts so much.

    Second sign:

    • If he gave a bad confession, he is spiritually devoid and his sins multiply. I am sorry that you had that experience. Your sincere confession is a pure and good deed.

    • Feelingit. I get you.

      My STBX left while I was pregnant. He told me he thought we should start the divorce process 4 weeks after my c-section. I finally got out of him that he was already involved with someone else. 2 weeks later was my daughter’s baptism. He went and came up to the alter and answered yes to the promise to raise his daughter in the faith and according to their laws. Beyond hypocritical. It was awful. I barely made it through the ceremony before I had to run to the back of church crying.

      Yet he honestly never saw that he should not be up there or make that promise. There is a disconnect in them. They are devoid of a moral compass and conscience. They can listen to something and pick out the single thing to use (like obeying the commandment to honor your father and not let the other commandments even enter their brains). They pick and choose and it is all about manipulating someone else to get them to do what they want (like showing him respect regardless of what he has done simply because one should honor their father).

      • Yes, huge disconnect. X proudly sat in the front of the church with his family every Sunday as president of the congregation. He helped give Communion every single Sunday.

        Unknown to me, the day before he didn’t work from nine to noon (every Sat. for six months while the new boss got the hang of things at work). He spent that time with Schmoopie!! Just. Wow.

        No hypocrisy there.

      • Mine was going to marry me next year, all the while knowing he hadn’t come clean about all his betraying actions. He truly seems confused about why this would have been wrong. His reasoning “it’s in the past, like the rest, and i have a PLAN not to do it again”. Oh, I mean if you have a plan… (yeah, not his first D-Day)

  • My Jesus Cheater didn’t consistently use Christian doctrine to justify his infidelity after D day, but he used the lifestyle to pad his cover of being a ‘good guy’. We did attend church regularly, and I was very involved as a musician, so he became my worship team’s sound guy. He kept a bible on the night stand. He also bought the entire bible on CD so he could listen to it in his vehicle to and from work.

    In hindsight, he also did one very sociopathic thing that still gives me shivers: he invited his Schmoopie and her family to my daughter’s confirmation! Socially, they were friends of ours, but they were not so close to us that you would invite them to an intimate family gathering like that. He justified it by saying that Schmoopie had once mentioned to him that she and her family were looking for a church to attend, so it seemed like a good opportunity for them to see what our church was about. More like a good opportunity for her to meet his parents and other family members. How fucked up is that?!?

    When I confronted ex on D day, I asked him, “And how do you think God feels about the fact that you’ve been fucking a woman outside our marriage?” He teared up and said, “I begged for forgiveness for my mistakes EVERY week at church!” I replied, “Bur then you went back and did it again. And again. Doing something once is a mistake. Doing it repeatedly is a decision.” Crickets. Clearly no cognition of repentance.

    Fast forward and he and Schmoopie are now shacked up. He had our teenage children on Christmas Eve this past year and they all refused to attend a church service with them as a ‘family’. One stayed home to play video games, one went to a friend’s house, and one returned to my house. Sigh. Such a lovely way for his new ‘family’ to spend Christmas together.

  • Cheaters will use any old excuse that’s handy that they think you might buy into to absolve them. So if you’re involved with your church, it’s not surprising that they’ll try to use it on you. And religion is an especially useful excuse mechanism for them as there’s usually an overriding theme of “forgiveness” and “selflessness” that they can tap into.

    I just wonder what Jesus would be telling them if we were the ones running around on them. I have a feeling that “forgiveness” would not be on the menu anymore.

  • Ugh the worst!!! Cheaterturd used to drive me crazy constantly professing “God doesn’t want us to live in condemnation, he forgives us all our sins” and the ever popular “we should ignore the Old Testament and the 10 commandments because they would have us live in sin, no person is perfect and New Testament wants us to know GOD forgives our every sin”.

    How convenient, he thought it was the perfect loophole. When I would argue God doesn’t want us running around sinning on purpose he would get so pissed and tell me I didn’t have a higher understanding of God’s mercy. Hmmmmm pretty sure God doesn’t endorse actively lying, gas
    lighting, cheating, manipulating ones wife who one vowed to GOD to cherish and love for well over a decade so he could chase the thrill of getting his dick wet.

    Cheaterturd is dead now and I often wonder what his maker had to say to him, “No worries mate, all that abuse you heaped on your wife, the lying, cheating, verbal and emotional abuse that you put her thru for YEARS all in the name of your own selfish needs and entitlement, it’s all good come on in, we’ve laid out a nice spread for you and all the random pussy you could very want for eternity!” NOT!!!! The picture in my head is he’s sitting in a very hot seat right next to the likes of Ted Buddy. Burn baby burn (sorry all still working thru my anger issues).

    • Beachgirl, I understand COMPLETELY your lingering anger issues!! My Jesus Cheater was actively studying to be a Methodist Pastor under the direct guidance and instruction of our tiny country church’s Pastor. I was so thrilled that after years of porn use and emotionally abusing me, he seemed to be a changed man. I thought he was sincerely trying to be a better person. I supported and encouraged him as much as humanly possible while he spent even more time away from home to attend workshops, classes, church board and trustee meetings, bible study, etc. For the first time in over 15 years of marriage to him I felt like he was really trying. Boy, was I an idiot!
      With his dedication to God came more lies and gaslighting. It wasn’t just me now though, it was the entire congregation. He had them all believing his great guy act, always bringing candy to services on Sundays for all the kids and always at our Pastor’s beck and call.
      Long, cringe inducing story short, not only was he flirting with anyone with breasts (his obsession) including a 19 year old girl right in front of me, he was vigorously messing around with any of the dozens and dozens (and dozens) of slutty nurses he worked with at a rehab center, in between plunging toilets and reading Bible verses to the elderly folks.
      To top it off, at his weekly private “Bible studies” with our Pastor he was telling Pastor all about it and Pastor covered for him, telling him that “God wants you to be happy.” When I found out what was going on and the shit hit the fan, no one believed me about his cheating and lying because Pastor started rumors that I was a mentally unstable control freak and that I was lying. That supposed man of God told lie after lie about me to cover for his buddy, my cheating husband, in a very small rural town where EVERYBODY knows everybody else’s business and backed up his side of the story by telling people that I was obviously lying because “No woman in her right mind would stay with someone who cheated on her.” Apparently since I took time to think about how to protect myself instead of tucking my tail between my legs and immediately running away, it meant that I was either out of my mind or lying. That’s how the fucker made everyone believe him.
      I left that church, I left that town, hell, I left the State. And when I left, I left my faith behind as well. It has been 4 years since I left and I am still angry and humiliated. I still have hate for all of them and I am still wondering why I did everything right, believed in God and did my very best to conduct my life as a good, Godly person and I prayed my ass off but He ignored me. He ignored my prayers and left me alone to drown in my grief and pain.

      On a bright note however, before I left I had a chat with Lying Pastor’s boss. He DID believe me. Four months after I left I heard through the grapevine that Lying Pastor had been asked by the higher ups to resign. Well, it wasn’t really a request.

    • OK then, I will Magneto. C’mon, everyone has a Holey Hay-seuss story or two and you always have some good ones. Ppplleeeaasseee, just one story while we’re tellin em around the campfire ?
      (Are you OK? You want peppermint tea or JD? “Colorado Gold” or “Rocky Mountain Hi?”)

  • Gotta add one for the Jews. “Lashon Hara Larry”

    The Hebrew term lashon hara (or loshon horo) (Hebrew לשון הרע; “evil tongue”) is the halakhic term for derogatory speech about another person.

    How dare you tell the Rabbi? Your lawyer? Or anyone else about their lying, fraud, cheating, whoring, abuse, pedophilia, voyeurism, porn use etc? YOU are the bad one for telling the truth and breaking free!!

    (This law has been used against victims to silence them for years by taking it waaay out of context. God is probably pissed off big time. )

    • Hate everything about this. Silence protects evil and perpetuates shame for the the abused.

      • Exactly, they want us to make equivalence between malicious gossip or breaking someone’s confidence, and our telling our truths about our lives! I call False Equivalency!

        If you didn’t want anyone to know about it, you shouldn’t have done it. And if, as you claim, what you did is actually OK, just fine, then why would you mind people knowing about it?

  • Have to add: cheater started inviting kids to his new house for dinner about six months after he left. In his texts, he would say let me know if you are coming so I can kill the fatted calf. I asked cheater about this and he confirmed that it was a reference to the prodigal son meaning he was a loving father who would welcome his prodigal children back . HELLO, he was the one who sinned and left. He is the one who needs forgiveness. Priest said his interpretation was blasphemous. But what does that matter, he says “all priests are crazy.”

    • Cheater is a little bit of a dumbass. The fatted calf was prepared for any honored guest, not just the prodigal son.

      Yah, you’re right, the story of the prodigal son doesn’t fit your situation at all. No one is a son that was bad and is returning.

  • What I want to know is….

    Where was OUR ‘forgiveness’?

    Most cheaters have a laundry list of ‘transgressions’ and ‘sins’ we committed against THEM that’s 3 miles long. Remember the time when you ‘forced’ your cheater to go with you to your parents during Christmas, when your cheater REALLY wanted to go ice fishing? That’s an UNFORGIVABLE ‘sin’!! Or, how about all those times that you turned him down for sex (because you had just given birth to your third child). Again, UNFORGIVABLE. Or what about the time that he wanted you to wear the black dress to work, but you ‘defied’ him and wore those pants that he hates (because it was -20 degrees in New England in February that day).

    These and other ‘sins’ are UNFORGIVABLE.

    Unless the cheater omitted the very same ‘offenses’, of course…

    • Yes exactly! STBX evidently never forgave anything. After DDay he was bringing up transgressions from our wedding night 22 years prior. Wow!

      • Same! During our one MC session, x and counselor were chastising me for not realizing x never loved me because we broke up for two months twenty years earlier while we were dating.

        Apparently that was x being totally upfront. The fact that he is the one who, all those years ago, re-connected with me, proposed to me, married me, bought a house together with me and continued to stay married to me for seventeen years until D-day was irrelevant.

        • And I’m sure in all that time he was still saying “I love you”.

          I got ILYBINILWY after d-day when the whoremat was pregnant and he was planning for his new fabulous life and family. And apparently it had been YEARS that he was unhappy and not in love anymore. First it was the entire marriage. Then it was just a few years then it was 18 months. So for 18 months you said I love you everyday and hugged me and sent me I love you texts and we had sex and celebrated our anniversaries together and you didn’t feel anything for me? Really?! And I was supposed to be a fucking mind reader and know the relationship was over how exactly?! With all the lying and acting you were doing? And here’s the kicker, he didn’t want a divorce even though I’m frigid and boring and sexless and not fun and exciting like the whoremat. ? Yeah. I can believe I would want to stay in a marriage with someone I hate like that too. They just try to blame shift and justify when it’s so clear they just royally fucked thenselves and now the respectability train has left the station.

    • OH My did yours use ice fishing as a time for cheating too? Kind of fits though doesn’t it 😉

  • x is part of the don’t judge me because we all sin and apparently all sins are equal group. And Jesus forgives him. It reminds me of a song I heard. Jesus may forgive you but I don’t. Jesus may love you but I don’t.

      • Don’t judge them. Judge yourself. For me, being lied to and cheated on are not acceptable. And I have no desire to associate or come into contact with someone who has no shame in doing those things to me.

        He can move along and continue to act that way. But I will not allow him to be part of my life ever again. And my not judging him does not save him from the natural consequences of his choices. There will be spousal support and child support. The kids may distance themselves. He may lose the the respect of friends and family. He may not care. The goal is to get to the point where you don’t either.

  • I wasn’t a Christian but did meet x at our Religious Science church over twenty years ago. Our belonging to the same spiritual community was a big part of our relationship.

    Right after D-day, the minister told me that x needed a lot of support, more than me, and that I was too judgmental and deserved the pain due to my many failings.

    What he failed to tell me is that he and x were having oral sex sessions.

    Today I am somewhat skeptical of God’s human envoys and organizations. To me they all seem like a version of PT Barnum and his circus (a sucker born every minute).

  • I see…so me lying to a three year old who just dressed themselves for the first time saying, “you did a great job, you look beautiful,” is the same sin as adultery? Guess I was absent that day at Sunday School!

  • Believe it or not, the fact my ex cheater pants was sneaking off to mass without me was one of my earliest clues he was at it again. We would always go together, sit close holding hands, and then go eat breakfast together afterwards.When he started going to Saturday evening mass without even asking me, I knew he was going to pray and look for any reason why God and the church would approve of him going after Schmoopie so he would be happy. Never mind he had a wife of 18 years and two teenaged children going to a Catholic school. And this young Schmoopie was in the school and his family’s lives. How humiliating to us all.

    I had previously thought of a cheater as someone who was sleazy and looking to score any chance they got. And yes, many of CN’s following have this kind of cheater. Ultimately what I have come to realize from CL and CN is we all have cheaters with different types of flaws. Some are sociopaths, some are narcs, some are self-centered, but they are all entitled.

    They feel entitled to cheat. Whatever way they self justify it, this is the bottom line-entitlement. I have lived through 2 Ddays. I have eaten the shit sandwich over and over. I am done. Whatever reason he gives himself to do what he does, is on him.

  • What about Christian Dating Sites Lothario’s? They join those sights looking for women who “forgive” and consider it a ripe chump hunting ground.

    Part of forgiveness is confession and acknowledgement that you are a sinner and undeserving of God’s grace — but when you sincerely regret and are prepared to go forth and sin no more, and ASK for forgiveness, you will be forgiven. It is not a “sweep it all under the rug” and then walk on it, kind of thing. We chumps take a lot of grief for being unforgiving, but in my mind the cheaters only “confess” what we already know, and they have no intention of going forth to sin no more. They are looking forward to the next opportunity to “sin” because that is exciting to them, and it the only thing they really care about. They are not future thinkers, or contemplative in any way — they live in the moment in the most hedonistic manner possible, and are not deserving of anyone’s forgiveness. I won’t give it to them, although I have come to an acceptance of their behavior as never changing. I don’t believe God does either. My understanding of a Deity is that He/She is all knowing — if the future is known, they know the confession/remorse is not sincere or heartfelt. Why would the “sinner” be forgiven?

    I am ready to answer for my sins — I don’t believe in equality of sins, either. If all sins are equal, then why were the 10 Commandments separated out as especially heinous? Because those sins devastate us a society, where loading the dishwasher in an improper manner only inconveniences someone for a moment or two.

    Whether or not you have a religious affiliation associated with your belief system is not really what matters. What matters is that you live your life in a way that shows you take responsibility for your actions and the consequence of your actions. If you are going to live in a society, and take advantage of all the things available to you as a society member, you need to be a contributing member. If not — please go forth into the Wilderness and inflict yourself upon yourself!

  • Here is another one… Convenient Christian Chuck… this is the guy who doesn’t baptize his first 4 kids… uses a picture of himself in a suit and tie from the baptism of his youngest son to respond to a Craigslist ad indicating he was a BiMWM. Refuses to go to church with me until a month before he announces he has been dating other women and wants out of the marriage. THEN he starts attending Saturday night mass with the OW and her kids and drags our son along. Funny… the OW dumped him. The new GF apparently isn’t a church goer, so he’s back to his old self.

    Fuckwits, the lot of them.

  • Satanic Stan/Susan : a demon at home but parades in church as if butter won’t melt in their mouth. Tells church members that spouse is unstable or crazy or lazy or whatever, all while cheating up a storm and abusing the spouse at home. SS comes to church and plays drums or leads worship or is a lay preacher and loves to talk about how much they lurve their family!

  • The more religious they act the more bullshit they are trying to cover up has been my motto. 9 out of 10 times this motto has proven to be true

  • Shockingly, my ex told me that the reason he cheated was……..wait for it……because I wasn’t spiritual enough! Yes that’s right, he serial cheated, had a double life of debauchery because we didn’t pray together as a couple. He actually said this to me. I was in the frantic, pick me stage, so I groveled and apologized and said I would do better. Needless to say, it was to no avail as his cheating continued. Somehow during the divorce he and his final affair partner found Jesus and he personally baptized her into our faith. All their sins washed away. The real kicker though was him bringing an obvious bible into the courtroom during the divorce and placing it on the table in front of him. We lived in the bible belt so he must of thought he would impress the judge with his piety. Didn’t have the desired effect. I was awarded great alimony and he looked like a cheap, narcissistic jerk!

    During the whole year it took to get divorced he would drop little spiritual bombs on Facebook: “The Lord works in mysterious ways”, “Yesterday was the most spiritual of my life”, When god closes a door , he opens a wonderful window” and other nice gems. Interestingly, most people weren’t buying what he was selling but he seemed oblivious. The topper was when he sent out an email blast to everyone in his family (me included) that introduced his “bride”. No family had been invited to his hasty, 5 months after the divorce nuptials. He regaled us with his narrative of how his new soulmate was so spiritual and had been such a “golden contact” for the gospel. He failed to mention how they met, on Match.com while he was married to me. Failed to mention how she knowingly slept with a married man for over a year. But silly me that was all washed away. He was so clueless of his audience that he really thought no one in his family knew the truth. Hubris.

    I believe in the atonement of Christ and true repentance and forgiveness. I am a therapist and believe people can change. That being said, I was offended by my ex using those beliefs to keep me in hopium in wreckonciliation while he continued to cheat. I was doubly offended that he would use my religion as a manipulation tool to reel in his final affair partner when I could no longer be conned. She told me, during the one time I got to speak with her alone, that he was a changed man; “they just read scriptures and prayed together, they didn’t even have sex”. I could buy his “spiritual change” if he actually had shown any real remorse towards me. Nope, still nasty and mean to me in private so I’m pretty sure the religious reawakening is just for show. The heartbreak of betrayal is so much more painful served with a side of faux religious change for the other woman. Good thing I know it is faux.

  • STBX dropped out of Christianity a number of years ago. He couldn’t take all of that help others in need, give tot the poor, treat others as you want to be treated, turn the other cheek and love thy neighbor nonsense.

    Also, the churches we attended were too liberal. He might have gone along with one of the more judgmental, holier than thou, gays are evil, Muslims are evil, keep women in their place, getting pregnant outside of marriage makes you a bad person type churches although he might have taken issue with the whole “thou shalt no commit adultery” thing.

    • The weird thing is that he initially was the one who wanted to join both of the churches we joined at various stages of our marriage. It was part of his pattern of finding something shiny and new that he loves and learning to hate it over time, then discarding it.

  • As a non Christian, let me just say that when I was deep in the exploration of RIC, I was frustrated at all the Christian sites I had to weed through. Every 9 out of 10 sites were devoted to forgiveness of your wayward spouse because JESUS!

  • I have personally loved the other married woman posting things on Facebook asking if we really need to ask forgiveness. When people answered her correctly, she set them straight because ” it’s already covered by grace. God already knew ahead of time”. She’s also preached twice in her little church. Yes, I watched it online. It actually really helped me because I saw who she really is!

  • “Deacon Dan — Don’t let the sweater vest fool you. Dan’s a pervert.”

    Dear God. What is it with the sweater vest cheaters? I found a “love note” where Sleazy told Pervy Cheater he “can rock a sweater vest like no other.”

  • Mine was a Jesus Cheater! Chump lady- We need to add another type- the one who blames the devil for their actions. I quote, ” I knew it was wrong, but I was being attacked by the devil and tempted”. They pull from the story of when Jesus was tempted in the desert. They blame the devil for their actions of lying, cheating and destroying lives. They conveniently leave out the part where Jesus withstood temptation and didn’t sin. But hey, they are just a sinner who needs God’s grace. Why are we upset?

    • I dated a guy once who blamed Satan on his desire for sex. He suffered from premature ejaculation, which in his mind was God’s punishment for succumbing to his desires. Strangely, he cheated on me.
      Yeah. My picker needed serious calibration.

        • How come none of this stuff ever occurs in a desert-unless it’s Vegas?
          Maybe they need to make some sort of haj and get dropped off in the middle of one.
          Let’s see how quick they’re led into temptation THERE.

  • I don’t get the concept of “Jesus Cheaters.” Apparently these people didn’t go to Catholic School in the ’50s and 60s with the Sisters of Perpetual PMS. I gotta say, that education led to the single most disappointing experience of my steadfastly awkward life as the oldest virgin in a generation known for sex, drugs, rock n roll. Beyond the devastation of any thought of pre-marital sex in addition to the catastrophic lack of knowledge of my Good Catholic Girl mind, I should sue for the Installation of Intentional Ignorance. I could write a Good Catholic Girl non-fiction trilogy compendium/book a la Carlos Costanadas of “The Teachings of Sister Don Juan: A Good Catholic Girl’s Guide to Not A Bit of Knowledge.” The blast radius was so extensive, let this be a testament/cautionary tale to what happens when you’re a “Good Catholic School girl” as are (to your again, appallingly ignorant assumption) all your girlfriends. (That’s why my own kids would never be subjected to this Legion of Lunatics.)

    But before that ah..”defining (disastrous) event,” there was another one involving Led Zepplin, the Filmore and a “seat upgrade” a nice guy offered me to watch the concert from backstage. I couldn’t possibly turn down this opportunity to watch my idol-Bonzo-up close and besides, I brought along all my girlfriends (who were not specifically invited backstage, hence my second faulty assumption of the night) so what could possibly go wrong with a crowd of your Good Catholic School Girls(tm) besties, right? After all, we survived the subway, scored underaged-as we all were-a couple gallons of Bali-Hai and Boones Farm and now we’d won a Concert Mileage Upgrade, a wonderful (so I thought) addition to this night! No teenage girl was ever as thrilled watching a concert-although I noticed occasionally a few of my friends went MIA or were making their way further back stage (more like “black stage”) with the same “Upgrade” guy. I just figured they just weren’t as into Zepplin as I was. Jimmy Page and the rest of the guys came off the stage leaving Bonzo to launch into his notorious lengthy solo rendition in “Moby Dick” (oh, the irony) and I was completely mesmerized: He was beatin on those drums like they owed him money.
    The guy that gave me/us the upgrade kept interrupting my concentration on this incredible drum solo wanting me to come to another area backstage to the “party” which I politely declined the first couple of times. Then I became annoyed and used a curse word (“Leave me the hell alone!”) as I wrenched my arm away and lit another Salem. <The next mortal sin in a night plagued by all kinds of ex-communicable offenses of sinnin I was oblivious to that were currently in progress in a back stage "Guest Room." After a few more rejections which may or may not have finally involved a slap, I was left in peace for the rest of the concert. For the record, I noted as Jimmy Page drunkenly staggered by he smelled like stale sweat, fresh booze and some other musty scent I couldn't identify. After the concert when I finally managed to locate/round up/sober up/help dress a few-"Holey shit, where's your top?!"-of my Good Catholic High School Girl Friends, they also seemed to be exuding a bit of the same kind of "incense" as JP. And more confusing yet, they wanted to know where I had spent the concert. Duh! Exactly where you saw me last before you disappeared into the recesses of backstage!

    Apparently not everyone was as terrified as I was of ending up in a perpetual roast-n-toast or on a Holy Card of Sadistic Mutilation like those saints they delt out of the Catholic School Deck of "See What Happens" if ya refuse to refute your religion? Damned if ya do, Damned if ya don't but Unforgettable Role Models nonetheless. I learned more on that walk/drunk stumble/taxi/subway ride back from that concert from my Good Catholic High School Girlfriends(tm) about what they'd *really* been up to with their boyfriends than my ignorant little brain could have ever imagined. Weren't they scared? Nope: Birth control! (Gasp!) Didn't that…hurt? "HAHAHAAAA, TW!" By Monday afternoon the state of my ignorance was common High School knowledge and revealed to everyone what I finally realized-I had been took: I believed, they conceived (or not) resulting in those stories I had been told with a smirk about various other girls who had suddenly been sent off to assist their old spinster "Aunt" somewhere in the boonies while I upheld their goodness and decency. My girlfriends collapsed in hysteria every.single.time. Now I knew why.

    Since all these people seem to believe they have a hotline directly to The Guy In Charge who speaks inna language only they can even hear never mind interpret, I gotta message for you directly off the same hotwired hotline from the Big Kahoona:

    A Sermon on the (Unholy) Mount:
    There once was a cheater so certain
    Their soul was "hidden" by an opaque curtain
    Of lust and fornication-spread across the entire congregation
    That not one dared question their sacred station

    One day it became clear
    All those "works" they extolled dear?
    Were a hoax of epic lies, a blatant "miscommunication"
    And they were busted by their spouse-now a member of Chump Nation

    PS: And from the late Janis Joplin and the equally late great Leonard Cohen, they of the immortalized blow job in the Chelsea Hotel:
    Abra Kadabra and Yabba Dobba Do
    You're a bunch of lying assholes-and fuck you too.

    Hallelujah mothafukkahs!

    • Oh Tundra Woman, you remind me so much of my girlhood in a Catholic boarding school. I loved your post. Maybe that is why I was such an idiot with my cheater.

      But to be fair, half of the nuns were realistic and honest, and the result is that at least I have never taken advantage of anyone and disrespected them.

    • My God, a fellow Catholic virgin soul sister….HILARIOUS story, Tundra. Thanks for the memories!

  • Oh false equivalency – it was big in post DD1 wreckconcilation. Intercepting that personal communication resulted in lies, gas lighting and entitled rage (while he made changes to make that less likely to happen again) It wasn’t until the start of this year, after DD2 that I found out the extent of that ‘friendship’. Still working towards meh.

  • Last year I drove >700 km to cheater’s work apartment to collect evidence when he was out of town. I found FOUR bibles on the nightable and a little shrine made with rosaries, a scapular, my picture and a very sugary illustrated letter from AP.

    This AP’s facebook (not stalking, just collecting evidence) states that she is a woman, Christian, daughter, lawyer, mother, businesswoman, IT specialist, “not necessarily in this order”.

    These people are crazy

  • I am not a Christian but it is my understanding that Christian forgiveness requires repentance and that God and Jesus would be able to tell false repentance. Am I muddling something up here?

    • No, you’ve got it. But don’t expect true theology and common sense to get in the way of a cheater’s ability to rewrite reality.

  • Judas Jack-The controversial bishop who not only betrayed his first wife, and daughters, but also his diocese and many in the Episcopal Church. His first wife suffered from acute paranoia (according to him) and ended up confined to a mental institution. Gee…I wonder if years of his porking female sycophants in the carriage house down the block from the rectory had anything to do with that ? Hmm..

    The female administrative staff would practically fight to gather and clean his dirty dishes after “Jesus” finished lunch,stood up from the table and left his mess behind. My mother watched this daily scenario with both disgust and amusement. “White trash is white trash”

    His current wife,a former secretary, duked it out with a female reverend (narcissistic divorcee who left her husband and three kids after twenty-five years of marriage) and she won this prize of a man…

  • My ex wasn’t even Christian, and he still pulled this shit! He harassed me for months demanding that I forgive him while refusing to admit that he did anything wrong, because it “wasn’t fair” that I was angry at him.

  • Ironically, I had a Christian Marriage Counselor many years ago who told me bluntly, “He’s nothing but a con man seeking comfort, and he’ll never feel remorse for the things he does. Get out of there as soon as you can”. I was cool with that. Hugs…

  • These Jesus Cheaters and false teachers are goin to be in for a big surprise on judgement day! God cannot be mocked!

  • The false equivalency was so much a part of the “counseling” I received from two co-workers after D-day (one who was divorced after 27 years due to long term cheating).

    Theory was that my wife had done nothing wrong by serial cheating, and that it was simply my faulty belief system causing all my distress. They explained that it’s a false belief that your spouse owes a duty of fidelity during a marriage, or honesty about cheating when they do. They continued that these false beliefs are just a product of our Western culture and that her acts were no more egregious than my failure to always take the trash out on time. The acts were no different in reality, and it was irrational to place any more meaning on one over the other.

    Other gems were that I did not truly embrace Christian beliefs because if I did, I would forgive her instantly and love her unconditionally. In fact, it was explained that if I really loved her and cared about her happiness I would be happy for her that she found men during our marriage that she actually enjoyed sleeping with. Again, the problem was me. I try and remember these things when I get frustrated at how long it has taken me to get traction.

  • They maybe using the name of God & Jesus Christ, but what they are teaching does not line up with the Word of God!

  • My ex-mother in law wrote me a letter. She said she loved me and I would always be her daughter-in-law, but she was concerned about my eternal life. Would I go to heaven or hell? She then proceeded to quote the Bible about marriage vows and Jesus, and forgiveness. She would hate for me not to go to heaven, and burn for eternal life in hell. So Jesus forgave, and I should forgive.

  • My ex has bible studies now in the house that he paid cash for. For years he was taking physical distributions of money for himself from the trust that we set up for our seriously disabled son. I had been out working two jobs while he was an ‘at home dad’. Yet while our boy was at school he had the days to go on the prowl. Chump me ….. now I’m lucky I survived and not living under cardboard. I have all the kids now, so life is good. Meh does come on a Tuesday.

  • Good Lord! This made me laugh so hard! Jesus Cheaters! I am not religious at all. But after the scumbag left – literally ran out of our home -, I was so devastated that I joined a divorce support group, sponsored by a church. The first thing I mentioned when I introduced myself was “God doesn’t speak to me directly”. I got a few funny looks. Anyways they were well meaning, but not for me, I left the group after the first meeting.

  • During the months before I uncovered proof of the affair, my husband started going to work, coming home to nap for several hours, and then leaving the house until midnight or so.

    You have to understand that one of his coping mechanisms for dealing with his depression was really freaking long walks to absolutely nowhere. He spent entire afternoons just walking all over our town (and no, he wasn’t cheating, I walked with him often, it was just his “thing”). So while I was suspicious, I kept telling myself he was just trying to cope with his new depressive episodes.

    He had the gall to tell me he was walking up and down the beach PRAYING when he was actually with OW. Praying! And like a chump, I bought it hook, line, and sinker…

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