About every other day, someone in Chump Nation entreats me to start a chump dating service. Wouldn’t it be awesome if all the broken-hearted over-achievers had their own dating site! How genius would that be? The Cluster Bs did all the vetting for us! Need a hyper-responsible person who will shoulder more than their fair share? And works for minimal kibbles? Date a chump! Sign up today!
Maybe I’m missing a spectacular business opportunity here, but I think a chump dating site is a bad idea. It’d be like one-stop shopping for sociopaths. Ooh… all the chumpy people here in one nice pool… Hmmm... How on earth would I vet your chump bona fides? How do I know you’re a real chump and not a pretend one? (Think of the algorithms! The questionnaires!)
Besides from the fact I think it’s undoable, even if it were doable (and we had a nice sociopath screening method — God, think of the fortune I’d make if I invented that…) I have enough on my plate running a blog.
Don’t despair, however, I do have some suggestions for where to find your fellow chumps.
1.) At a chump meet-up. Yeah, that’s an obvious suggestion, but we have world-wide meet ups. Register on the site (see the Login on the homepage, register, and the magic forums will appear) and you can find a meet-up in your area, or hey, start one. Chump meet-ups aren’t dating sites, but you might make a friend. Expanding your support and friend network is always a good thing.
2.) At support sites, NOT dating sites. I’m not the only blog in town. Want to find a chump? Check out the many other divorce or infidelity support sites online. Get to know the community. Not with the intention to date, but to interact with nice people who want to help you. Who’ll bolster you in scary times, who have a kind word. Be the person who gives a kind word to a newbie. I don’t think I’m alone in saying, that after you’ve been chumped, the kindness of strangers can take your breath away. After the brutal discard, to have someone laugh at your joke, or find you kinda cool is validating. Get your sea legs here. Get used to the idea of being a valued member of a community. Get used to kindness and reciprocity. Online counts! Have a safe place, so the dating world doesn’t look that scary. If nothing else, you’ll have some online peeps you can laugh about your dating travails with.
3.) At volunteer meet-ups. You know where you can find nice giving people? At charities, that’s where. I’m not talking about the super sparkly person holding the trophy at the awards ceremony — no, you want the lady there setting up the folding chairs or the guy who’s running out for ice. You know, the people doing the actual WORK. Pro bono centers, churches, soup kitchens, neighborhood clean-ups, tree-planting ceremonies. Chumps are civic minded.
I recently had the honor of interviewing Dennis Archer (former Detroit mayor), he said if you want something in life, you have to “cast your bread upon the waters” and it will come back to you. Throw those breadcrumbs, chumps.
4.) Where you are your best self. I don’t know where that is, but you do. Maybe it’s renaissance festivals, or symphonic choirs, or ham radio meet-ups. Find your tribe. Wherever you’re doing the things that make you happy, you’ll be meeting people who seek out the same happy as you. It’s a start. And confidence looks good on you.
So maybe you do all these things and no one recognizes your awesomeness. Maybe you’re the last person picked for kickball. (Raising my hand here.) Maybe you’re a cyclops and totally undatable. Well, consider that if you do these things you’ll a) make friends, b) help people, c) give back to your community, and d) enjoy being your best self.
Which is still a bazillion times better than one hot minute with a cheater.