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When Affair Partners Marry

casinoThe other day I was watching TV and this ad came on for glitzy, casino holidays in Oklahoma.

God help the ad executives who were trying their darndest to make Oklahoma look sophisticated and “fun.” Instead of the tornado-afflicted backwater that it actually is. (And is anything sadder than a casino?)

Who sets their sights so low that they’d take a casino vacation to Oklahoma? No offense to any chumps who live in Oklahoma, but if you’ve got the disposable income to take a holiday, given the whole world of options — Varenna, Italy! The Grand Canyon! Disney World! Hell, Gary, Indiana! Who would possess such awful judgement as to choose Oklahoma?

My husband said: Cheaters who marry their affair partners, that’s who. “Perfect metaphor. Write a column.”

You have to understand the Texas perspective here. Texans deride Oklahoma as sort of its dim-witted, poor brother to the North. Why go to Oklahoma? Because it’s cheap, easy, and requires little imagination.

Much like affair partners.

Say you’re a cheater and your cake is destroyed. You’re trying to figure out what next. Do you do the hard work on yourself? Try to make your marriage work? Take a spiritual path? Or do you follow the bright, sparkly lights to the slots and put your money down on Schmoopie? They’re there. They’re easy. And your “commitment” will convince everyone this wasn’t such a disastrous choice!

Marrying your affair partner is one hell of a gamble. The odds are really low that you’ll “win” at this venture. But you think you’re lucky! Exceptional! Sure, you might be stuck flinging quarters into a bottomless pit of need, but you COULD hit the jackpot and be SPECIAL!

Chances are, you’re either going to leave broke, or stick around with your ruinous “investment.” Meanwhile, you gambled away the things that really mattered — a faithful partner, your children, your self respect.

Chumps often fear that their cheater will marry the affair partner, thus “winning” the pick me dance. The most sucktacular thing about this outcome is sharing your kids with the affair partner. That’s a shit sandwich, no getting around it. But if you’re imagining bliss and blended family harmony, I think the odds of that are putting your life savings down on Red 25 and spinning the roulette wheel.

Think about it — marriage is the promise to exclusively love and honor your partner. “Forsaking all others.” What makes people so utterly disingenuous about monogamy want to get married anyway? Cheaters SUCK at commitment. So right there, they’re each marrying a person incompatible with fidelity. They can’t trust each other, so what’s the point?

Oh, but right, they’re SPECIAL and different and super lucky.

Cheap, delusional gamblers.

This column ran previously, but hey it’s June, the season of weddings. Someone somewhere out there is probably dealing with this. 

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  • OMGoodnes. I am visiting my parents in Texas without my x. We are going to Winstar tomorrow for my nephew’s birthday and my x marrying his affair partner soon. What?? I am pretty sure I am going to win big!!!

    • Oh I wish I could get so lucky. For the most part I’ve been at meh for a while. However, I would do the happy dance if my X 1) married Shrek, and/or they had a child (and he was stuck for at least 18 more years).
      He’s been trying to get rid of her for a while now, but she keeps taking his abuse instead of getting the hint that he can never be the bad guy and break up with integrity.
      Sigh, some people get all of the luck.

  • Love this insight as always, I try to tell
    Myself they can have each other but I miss our little family so much it physically hurts me. They can go to Oklahoma, I am going to go to Europe ❤️

    • bless you and the rocks you have swallowed. It’s one of those hideous painful experiences, a bit like a death but with a side of humiliation and rejection, that can ONLY be gone through at its own pace. The pain is finite and of course you must miss terribly the happiness you had and the life you thought was yours. The good news – small comfort right now, I do see this – is that there is a very, very happy life that can be yours in time to come, one you probably can’t visualise right now.

    • I flip back and forth. I desperately miss the “idea” I had of our family–the family vacations, weekend outings, game night, etc. But I have to remind myself that that never happened (except that ONE family vacay last summer, right before Dday). The idea I had of our family was just that, an idea.

      And now, his AP has her own boyfriend. So everyone’s cheating. Why the heck don’t they just end up together. Seems like they are perfect for one another.

      Another thin I realize, the AP doesn’t really know him. I know where she is in their “relationship”. It’s not until you actually live with my STBXH that you really get to know who he is.

      • ^^^this. My STBX and his affair partner are playing house on the weekends and taking trips on the marital dime (for now but that will come back on them) so she has no real idea what she’s in for if she makes it past their “honeymoon” phase. 24/7/365 of him and the narky shine will tarnish quickly. May the soulmates marry quickly and pave the way for Karma’s Blessing of the Union! 🙂

        CC, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. You deserve so much better.

      • Living together does not help when you are dealing with a heartless manipulator. You see only what they want you to see. More often than not, by the end of the marriage you end up thinking to yourself that you never really knew him at all.

        • Exactly QB, I totally agree. I have no idea who this guy is anymore. After 26 years together I find out he’s been cheating at least 13 years with all manner of people ( male and female), running swingers parties in travelodge hotels including live streaming the action online to boot, advertising himself on porn sites as a rent boy, cross dressing and travelling up to 80 miles away to meet up with hookers in other towns. I’ve been sat here paying all the bills and struggling to make ends meet for our entire marriage whilst he’s been paying between £150-£300 a time for sex across the country. I’ve supported him and our kids this whole time, working a full time and part time job, juggling my life, always being broke as I’ve been paying off over £50k of debt that was run up whilst he has paid off none of it. My kids have gone without so many times whilst I now discover he has been squandering his own income on hookers, sex parties, man sized lady shoes and panties and the cost of hotel rooms. He is self employed and has clearly been lying about his income. Me and kids had absolutely no idea about his double life. Ive had to come to terms with the fact that my marriage has been a total lie. I’ve got decree nisi and hopefully full divorce by end August. Luckily my kids are now adults, one is working and has moved out, can’t wait to move out this summer with my other child who I am suppporting through college. My lawyer is gobsmacked by the extent of my STBXH’s behaviour as are all my family and friends. The worst part is I’ve had to still live in the same house this whole time. The best part is he still is unaware that I know about his double life because I’ve not listed his massive infidelity in the papers – I filed due to his anger issues and controlling behaviour 10 days before I uncovered his secret double life. Once me and daughter out of here I’m planning to tell him what I know and that I’ve already told everyone he knows. He can’t sue me for slander as it’s all true. I’ve got the evidence as I uncovered his secret stash of over 250 sex tapes – his severe narcissism has meant he has only gone and recorded all his sexual encounters! I can’t wait to see the look on his stupid face when he realises that his hidden underworld of pervsity is out in the open. Am thinking of replacing all the family photos I’m taking with me when I leave with screen shots of him in action! I’m now pretty much at ‘meh’ which is a great feeling. It’s surprising how quickly you can get to meh once you’ve seen your own husband smiling at the camera whilst sucking off a strange man in your own living room! That’s on just one of the sex tapes I found. He’s been having some of his sexual encounters in our family home which is probably even more deplorable than the fact he’s cheated at all. He’s got no respect for this marrriage, our kids or myself. He’s been lying to everyone. Sadly I do expect him to find every which way possible to shift the blame onto me entirely because he is such an entitled narcissist it’s never his fault. However, I’m now armed with chumplady’s UBT and plenty of ready rehearsed comebacks for why his behaviour sucks and is not my fault. Bring it on, bring it on!

          • ………….
            …………………………

            Mally, I am rejoicing with you at the nuclear explosion that’s coming his way. And I am awed at your self-control. Good God, you are MIGHTY.

            • Its be mighty or curl up crying. I’m not gonna let this bastard beat me. Kids and me deserve better than this. Kids need better examples of genuine people rather than this self centred entitled twat of a father. Cant wait to get out and get on with my life.

              • The double life thing is so hard to comprehend it islike you have been living in a horror movie. The amount of mental gymnastics they must do to get rid of the cognitive dissonance. Funny thing was i spending lots of time researching this concept before d day of cognitive dissonance and it was right under my nose the whole time.

        • I feel like I never knew my husband. Together 10 years with some breaks in between. Married for 3 with a 9 year old. I’m 34, he’s 32 and the OW is a 48 year old mom of 3 and grandma. So heartbroken.
          Last night I saw that he booked a hotel for them. D day was the Sunday before last. He’s stepped on my heart and crushed me.

          One day at a time.

          • DC, I hear you. Your story is eerily similar to mine. My husband (37) had stepped out with a grandma whore (53) of his own. They even went on a little vacation together complete with a concert!

            Trust me when I say that she’s not more physically appealing than you. He doesn’t want a future with her, but I’m guessing that he hasn’t really thought that far ahead. He gets to play cougar bait (32 is a little old for most cougars), while she gets to play in some kind of cougar fantasy tour.

            Cake does not test better with age. If they want to play house, doctor, or pin the tail on the donkey, LET THEM. You are better without this Peter Pan.

    • Dawn, I feel your pain and sadness. There are days I miss my family unit so much. My two daughters are grown, but my heart still aches for my family unit (the 4 of us) which was always the most important part of my life. I miss my house where so much of my family memories are. Some days I feel mightier than others <3

    • I’m just back from a trip to Morocco with my son, my graduation present to him. Ex a-hole didn’t really like the idea. The day before we left, he sent me an email with several threats of legal action and a demand that I respond by noon the next day. I ignored his message and happily got on a plane to Paris, thinking “well if really wanted he could’ve taken a trip with our son.” Then I realized he can’t. Schmoopie would never let him. The only life he can have is the “happy blended family” she allows.

      • My cheater ran right to Schmoopie once I said I was done. What pisses me off is that it’s like 16 years of marriage was nothing. He just went out and created a new life. He hid her throughout the divorce process and once the divorce was final he told me he was in a serious relationship. He wanted the kids to meet her. I was devastated. Shortly after that he moved her in and I found that out from my 12 year old daughter. I then found out she was pregnant. I found an ultrasound picture on my daughter’s phone. Think ex would have the balls to tell me? And shortly after that I get a text from the ex saying they were getting married. Oh and he told the kids the same day he told me. Shotgun wedding? He’s 43 and she’s 27.
        That was the day I went no contact. 4 months ago.
        She has no freaking idea what she married.
        I wonder how she would feel if she knew he texted me things like…”I just want to say hi. Or, I never wanted you out of my life.” Shithead realizes the hole he’s dug himself and I’m not around to save his lazy ass.

        I’m getting closer to meh, but that sadness creeps in every once in awhile. Honestly, I think karma has arrived. He has to live with what he has done for the rest of his life. And he had a damn good life.

  • I wanted my x to stay with his ow as they deserve each other. At least they know what the other one is- a lying, cheating dishonourable person. But my x has left the ow and now I fear he may inflict himself on an innocent new woman as he does a convincing ‘nice guy’ act.

    • X left ow or maybe it was the other way around. Since then Mr. “Nice” guy married a 30yr to his 54yr self. If (or when) it fails, at least she won’t have invested the decades I did. On the bright side, she’ll probably still be young.

    • I’m dealing with this right now. This time last year, Mr. Sparkles was in year two of his “twu wuv” with the OW. Flash forward to now, the OW dumped him because he’s a cheater – shocking, and now the new victim is moving him into her home when his rental lease is up.

      She doesn’t have kids, so that is a plus to some degree (although it leaves my son VERY bored on visitation weekends). But, I understand from the older kids that she does have some emotional problems related to sexual abuse in her youth.

      I feel very conflicted because she seems like a decent person… hardworking, kind… and Mr. Sparkles, the human parasite, has attached himself by professing love and protection and honor… when we here at CN know that will not be what he delivers in the end.

      What to do? I’m praying on it. If I were at “meh” I might look the other way, but I just really don’t want to see him hurt this woman who is obviously already damaged.

          • Just be prepared for her to ignore your warning. Two of us told the latest victim the truth about Dr. Crazy’s lies, abuse and prostitutes months ago when she asked. She’s still with him. So I won’t speak to her again until she leaves.

            • I would tell, but yes, just be prepared for her to ignore your warnings. It is truly crazy how many chumps were told, and somehow reasoned it away. I just read a magazine article days ago about the re release of that book that was written about Princess Diana and heard for the first time that she knew about their affair BEFORE their marriage… and yet…it just defies every type of logic

              • there is something within the British Monarchy system and within the British mindset that when Kings, or future Kings or Royalty above that of the object of their intentions/affections, the subject must, basically comply. This was the case with Simpson Wallis who was married and loved her husband. The King merely had to say he wanted her, not demand it, and she was loyally complaint. The same with Henry VIII, history you are likely familiar. Queen Elizabeth picked Prince Phillip. King George’s mother, picked out the late Queen Mother for her son. I think it is not discussed much, rather understood, that it is the duty of the King to serve as King and it is the duty of chosen to be the consort. The wealth and good life is understood to be compensation, if not love. And you know it has been, historically, royalty marries and breeds with royalty. Rarely commoner and royalty join in marriage. Charles couldn’t marry, although he would have if he could have, Camilla first.

      • When I was with my cheater, I received several anonymous letters regarding his infidelity. SpinDoctor said they were from an ex-girlfriend and I believed him at first (spacle anyone?). The last piece of anonymous mail included excerpts from “Leave a Cheater…”. I only wish that I knew who to thank, because the book flipped a switch for me and I dumped the loser. I wasn”t anonymous when I told his OWs.

  • My X married the OW shortly after our divorce. He’s her third husband. Apparently she likes to tell everyone what a “great guy” he is. I was married to him for 25 years…..I don’t think in all that time any one would have referred to him as that.

  • My X married his “last” affair partner. Last one on ME anyway. He did lose so much, but he’s got money and swinging sex now. So I guess he can live with the tradeoff, although your words meant a lot to me!
    “Meanwhile, you gambled away the things that really mattered — a faithful partner, your children, your self respect.”

    I was a chump for 30 years – now, I’m pretty peaceful and happy. It took a long time, but everyone gets there I think, if they do the work needed. I’m still single, and not sad about that at all.

    Thanks for posting this – it really hits home.

    • Me too! CHUMP for 30 years. My ex married OW 9 months BEFORE our divorce was final. Took smoothie to Graceland for their fairytale wedding. Their marriage only lasted 10 months and I’m wondering how their divorce is going to happen since they will both have to go back to Tennessee and not let it be known that my ex was still married when they had their perfect ceremony! Read an article saying 96% of all affair marriages will fail. After school is spent most of his money she and her 2 children just walked away. I hope that my ex knows how I felt when he turned my life into chaos.

      • Wait Dee, if your ex married his affair partner 9 months before your divorce from him was final AND his ‘marriage’ only lasted 10 months. That means that one month after your divorce from him was final, he got ‘divorced’ again.

        What a looser. That could be a Jerry Springer episode

      • STBX cheated and married another woman in Vegas while we were still married. I found out when the cops showed up at my door looking for him on an unrelated issue, but that’s a whole other story. Anyway, bigamy is very much illegal in most states. In Nevada it’s a felony. The OW split when she found out he was already married and tried to prosecute him. I might have joined her but I have a minor son and no property settlement yet so it’s not in my son’s or my best interest to throw him in jail or have him lose his job. Without my cooperation the cops dropped it, but if I were divorced without minor children it might have been a different story.

  • Friday is my birthday and our wedding anniversary. What a smart decision that was… (Yes… Hindsight… Blah blah blah)

    Anyway, stbxh and affair partner #7+ live with his parents now in his childhood bedroom. How romantic. He refuses to file for the divorce. I assume they will marry eventually, considering they got matching “his” / “her””forearm tattoos immediately after getting together.

    • Wow! They both hit the jackpot! Has anyone told them yet that their pot of sparkle is fools gold!

      Enjoy your mightiness!

    • AlohaFreedom….don’t place much stock in matching tattoos. My ex and AP #3 got each other’s initials on their ring fingers when they got married. A marriage that lasted for 5 whole months. My ex left her second wife for the next affair partner that was married to her husband. Now neither spouse will give the whores divorces so they have to wait to live together until the state’s limitations have been met (18 months for my ex and 24 months for the AF) since my divorce decree says no overnights with my young children present. Wonder how long the love birds will last bc they can only sleep together half the week?????

    • Wow! Tattoos are even harder to get rid of than a marriage. They are so going to regret that one someday. Serves them right.

      • They are matching Batman character tattoos. His says, “HER JOKER” with a cartoon joker. Her tattoo says, “HIS HARLEY ” with that character. Stbxh doesn’t even like comic books or Batman. She does though apparently.

        He got it right about being a big joke though.

        • That’s actually extremely fitting. The Joker and Harley have an extremely abusive relationship in the comics. It’s well understood that the Joker will throw Harley under the buse every chance he gets if it’s to save his own skin. She keeps taking him back though and all ways trying to get him to take her seriously. If they actually live out a Joker/Harley romance, that’s actually pretty great revenge for you.

      • He also got tattoos all over his hands, fingers and arms. I am not anti tattoo. I have our Irish coat of arms / family crest tattooed on my upper back between my shoulders. My father always wanted it tattooed on him but he passed away before he ever got the tattoo… And it can’t be seen with a shirt on. Way different than gambling card symbols all over his hands… But hey, keep getting tattoos with the money you should pay to child support!

    • Wait a minute, matching forearm tattoos? Is your ex a woman? If so your ex and my ex to be might just be the perfect couple. Mine moved out in September, moved right in with her. She’s a colleague in her FB words a poet/yoga teacher/scientist/activist. In May I noticed that he has a tattoo on his forearm, that’s the guy who ranted about tattoos. He proudly told me that this is Elie Wiesel’s Ausschwitz number!!!! He is not Jewish. That was my Eureka moment, there is no way that I could ever be with anyone so shallow and empty.
      Anyway, matching tattoos.

    • Lol my ex has his first wifes name tattooed on his arm, if he keeps trying he’ll be able to recycle it 😉 Sadly AP/ho-worker/stbho-wife does not match tattooed name either….

    • I feel for you. Got married to the-reason-I’m-on-here, on my bday too, Vegas style, 9months pregnant; young and dumb I was. Freer and happier than I’ve ever been. I hope the same for you.

  • Cheaters who marry their AP’s?

    Best. Karma. Ever.

    My cheating ex-wife married one her APs, also a cheater. I couldn’t imagine a crueler revenge to impose. They are both irredeemable takers, and now they’re both partnered up with TERRIBLE kibble dispensers. Neither of them gets what they truly want.

    Reminds me of that joke about the sadist and the masochist trapped on a desert island. The masochist says, “Beat me! Beat me!” The sadist says, “No.”. #suhweet #hahahaha

    • My former aunt did similarly. As soon as the divorce with my uncle (who is also my godfather so this was especially galling to me) was finalized, she and her AP got engaged. Apparently she is wife 4 – I don’t have her on Facebook anymore; I don’t want to see the fireworks when he moves to Wife 5.

    • As usual, I’m jealous of nomar.
      It is my wish that the Flying Whore leave her rich husband for Narkles the Clown.
      Alas, so far my prayers have not been answered, but someday it could happen.
      This is the hopium pipe I smoke!

  • I certainly don’t mind casinos- Ben and I had a lovely time at the slots place near where we vacationed in April, but it didn’t dominate the holiday. We purposely had others plans and places we could go in the week. I guess in the vein of this metaphor you should just be sure that you and your betting partner are on the same page.

  • How appropriate, son took a picture of a pic on stbx’s kitchen counter of stbx and ap in Las Vegas. He was dressed like Johnny Cash and she was wearing a way too short skirt and too much skin top that looked like something a slutty college girl would wear. Classy, I am sure Oklahoma is next on their list.

  • My X married the AP. They are eachother’s 3rd marriages. And they are so “blissfully happy”. They dated once when they were 13 years old, they are now 50. They tell everyone they’ve secretly thought about eachother all those years. They also tell everyone that God brought them together…while they were both married…to someone else…they were meant to be. God never fails, is what they tell people!!! I’m not sure who’s God they’re talking about.

    They live in a weird fantasy…that doesn’t include kids, because their affair didn’t. He’s chosen to not see the kids, or speak to them for 2.5 years now. My guess is to keep the dynamic of his relationship with her intact…add kids and it makes things real, not fantasy-like. That’s ok, I’ll raise them…in the real world, away from their fucked-up-ed-ness!!

    • It’s all about the fantasy isn’t it AnchorLady. Mine are adults and he ignored his three children and granddaughter for over two years.

      Last fall he reportedly was depressed and cried all the time. My granddaughter wants nothing to do with ‘faking’ a relationship after the abandonment.

      I hope you got full custody as they always start circling back when the bliss begins to fall apart.

      • Right?????
        Our kids were 17 and 23 when he left because he was ” unhappy” , but really to be with the schmoopie.
        He lied to them every time they tried to discuss his life choices with him, they finally washed their hands of him. If you ask him, I poisoned them against him. They are grown ass people with eyes and ears, I didn’t have to say a word.
        He sends them texts on holidays about how much he loves and misses them, they don’t respond.
        When you are done, you are just done.
        I’m sure they love to let people think they are blissful, but she has 3 kids she’s still raising and I know he doesn’t do parenting so I’m not sure how that works.
        Anybody here knows I’m queen of the karma bus, I really just want him to feel a fraction of what I did. Maybe the karma is just being them……fake, and probably still together because neither can afford to leave and because as long as they are together they didn’t blow up two families for nothing.
        It is like a death with a side of humiliation.
        Happy I’m out, sad I was duped.

    • and one day, quite soon, when he is older, and grandchildren start arriving, and the fun isn’t quite what it was, or one of them gets dementia / terrible arthritis, cancer or whatever, suddenly he’ll want ”his family back”.

        • This is so true. My ex moved to the other side of the country to live with AP number 6 and now she has broken up with him after five years and he wants his family back. He’s also back on match.com looking for a soulmate and playmate. Pathetic. Delusional.

    • LOL – I said something similar to my youngest when I had to call a repairman for our air conditioner. That his father decided to have his midlife crisis and runaway from adult responsibility at the right time. My sons were no longer clay he could manipulate but turning into young men with ideas and opinions that didn’t mimic his, the house was going to start need major repairs, so yeah, his response run off an live in an apartment with a woman 21 years his junior. Wait until he starts needing major maintenance – I am certain she will run off.

    • They should leave God out of their shitty decisions; I’m sure God won’t mind one bit! It is strange how so many of these cheaters want to invoke God. Have none of them read the Ten Commandments? I’m pretty sure “thou shall not commit adultery” is not optional. But of course, these fools are great at ignoring any and everything that conflicts with their selfish narrative.

        • He never believed most likely. That was the lie necessary to con you. Schmoopie no doubt required a different lie. These jerks don’t “believe” in anything but themselves and their never-ending bottomless pit of selfish “needs.”

          • Exactly. They were whatever mask and tell whatever lie to con whoever they are with. Sometimes, I think they even con themselves. When this crap comes out of my STBX’s mouth, I am just flabbergasted. No one could really be that delusional, right??

            • The truest thing X said to me was in our one joint counseling session. He had this combination look of sad sausage/pleading look and said “I am a fraud.”

              I replied “I know.” I don’t know if he expected me to comfort him or get angry or whatever. But he just sat there and the look changed to an angry sneer. That was the end of the session.

          • So true, JoJobee!!! He was the definition of a “double-minded” man. He pretended to believe, only when it worked for his “act,” but in his true evil heart he is even shouting to God, “You are not the boss of me!”…..He’s the ultimate definition of a fool.

        • Mine swapped ‘God is love’ for ‘Love is God’, in my opinion. He left us for his 18 years younger AP but sadly it all turned out to be one-sided for him and he suffered unrequited love, just as I was realising I’d suffered unrequited love for years. He doesn’t know WHAT he believes now, and I wonder what the betrayal has done to my kids’ budding faith in God AND in love.

      • Well, they wanted to marry in the church.

        In my case, the twenty-something homewrecker wore white, and 60 year old cheater’s bald spot is showing. They look really happy actually.

        I only know because they posted a video online. He did not invite our teen kids and has not even told them he’s married. They have never met her.

        • I don’t care how happy they looked, that marriage has an expiration date. Unless your ex is a very wealthy man that will hold the purse strings, the homewrecker is gonna bail. The day to day reality living with an old man (60 is not old, just everything is relative) will end up disgusting her.

        • people with age gaps of that many years both look ridiculous… both the young bride and the old groom, its just gross and lame… and trust me the young woman will ALWAYS be embarrassed by having an old dude as partner, ask me how i know, my mom wss an OW 27 yrs my cheater dads junior, i grew up with her feeling embarressed about their age gap, like hiding in public if they would run into people from her job. there is karma for ya, among a lot of other hits by the karma bus for her.

          huh i should write a guest post about what its like growing up kid of OW sad cheater. and how karma came for my mom big time, less so for my dad. and then how married a dude just like him! in some ways.

          • Ah age differences… My then-husband frequently said he felt like an old dad (he was in his 40s when our kiddo was born)… As our little one grew, my X was often too tired to function. When I tried to discuss this with him, he said it was the stress of his work… I started to feel guilty for pushing him to participate in more family activities, to schedule date nights, to invite friends over for dinner parties…

            I thought he had chronic fatigue syndrome and, my Olympic spackle in hand, I was molding our lives around what he could do… Until I stumbled on proof that his extra-curricular activities include an affair with a gradwhore. The affair started over a year prior to my finding out.

            I initiated the divorce right after DDay #1. In true Cluster B fashion, he moved his mistress in with him 3 months of our separation, yet did all he could to slow down the divorce proceedings… The divorce process hurt like a motherf, and was finalized a year a a half post-DDay… He married his mistress two months after our divorce was final. He was 50 and she was 25 on their wedding day. Public records show their wedding date took place over a year ago, yet their union is so special they have told nobody in our community that they are married.

            Are they happy? The last I hear was when a friend approached me a few months ago to share his concern that my X looked old and sickly… Sounds like the pinnacle of marital bliss, right?

            It’s been almost 3 years since DDay… Thanks largely to amazing friends and family IRL and to this community, I keep forging on to Meh, one “cool/bummer/wow” day at a time!

          • Junglechump, this is what my Ex lives know, although I can only imagine.
            Ex took up with ho worker 29 yrs his junior! They just had a child who turned one…jeez
            I can only imagine what people say to them. Ex just turned 54, and a dad of a one year old.
            We are grandpsrents!
            Peterpan is a predator and scumbalina a criminal.
            The child a “victim”
            What in the hell could they have in common?
            Oh well, good luck to them.
            Happy retirement!!!

          • Junglechump, just reading uour post and boy o boy.
            My Ex hooked up with a young girl 29 yrs hos junior. Yep,
            Grandpa daddy is a dad again at 54.
            Would be interesting to read how that gap worked out for folks that are decades apart!

    • Anchorlady – I can relate. My X married his AF partner barely a year after our divorce was final. God has “blessed” their marriage and totally endorses it. Never mind that they are both pastors who cheated on their spouses. Hypocrit, much? Now the two of them are living on credit and have everything their hearts desire (I was such a meanie to not allow him to have that much credit available when we were married). Our adult children can’t stand the new wife, are disgusted by her children (same ages as mine), and laugh at their dad behind his back. I occasionally feel guilt that they are so disrespectful but you earn respect, it isn’t handed to you.

  • Not to get off topic, but chances are, given the makeup of OK, that OK Casino is owned by Native Americans, who were *cheated* out of their rightful land, property, and chances at prosperity, so, you know, they are the mightiest of all for making what they can of it, even in Oklahoma.

    • Probably so AllieP. I would just ask the Native Americans to go one step further in their next economic development project and maybe aim for something more sustainable. In Oklahoma it could be a combination of greenhouses, solar energy and wind energy.

      • We are. We are also diversifying into defense contracts. Thanks for the opportunity to brag on my tribe. #choctaw

        • Aaah–revenge is sooo sweet, isn’t it?!

          My family moved out of OK at the beginning of WWII; we were raised away from most of the racist bigotry of OK, so we call ourselves C.I.O.s (CA Improved Okies). According to family legends we have one First Nations grandmother on each side of my maternal family line. Go on with your terrific plans for the future, and don’t forget MBAs from Ivy League colleges!

  • “Chances are, you’re either going to leave broke, or stick around with your ruinous “investment.” Meanwhile, you gambled away the things that really mattered — a faithful partner, your children, your self respect.”

    Who picks up a bar whore in a casino? Well he hit what he thought was a jackpot. More like crack-pot. Fast forward three years (time flies) and after sitting at sex in the city slot machine with a drink in one hand (other between her legs) as she sits on his LAP, they are broke.

    He never had the balls to file like a man even though he wanted a divorce.

    Marriage is presently out of the picture as he said he’d never remarry. Or maybe the casino slut will see the ad and travel to Oklahoma to get hitched. Who cares as long as I no longer have to share the bliss of being attached to a go nowhere man.

    Yup, she got all that and I dodged the bullet of till death do us part.

  • My ex married his OW the day after our divorce was finalized. I really and truly think his Mommy made him marry her in order to cover it up.

    He warned me, said “You know I am going to marry Ho-worker.” My response, “And I hope you treat her as well as you treated me.”

    I can assure you he married down. A friend of mine from high school saw them Sunday and send me a text reassuring me of that.

    • They almost always end up treating them the same. Once the newness wears off, they revert to who they truly are.

      My STBX buys her the same bouquets from Sam’s that he bought me (especially when he did something wrong), takes her to the same restaurants, claims work whenever there is a wedding or family function to attend, signs up for countless golf leagues, bowling leagues, etc. They bought a puppy together (which she will end up taking care of), he got them matching Christmas stockings (that look eerily like the ones we got for our first house 20 years ago), etc.

      I could go on. If she marries him and has kids with him, she will end up right where I was. AND she knew he was a serial cheater when she got involved. AND she has to see just how little he sees the kids he has now. I have no doubt she will get her karma. Him…I don’t think he even feels enough to recognize karma.

      • It’s like they just replace us. Insert new model. People are expendable and can just be changed out.

        • The funny part is that they made sure that they pointed out all of our shortcomings and how inadequate we were. “I just couldn’t be happy with you. We wanted different things.” Then they go about recreating what they had AND pick women who end up wanting the same things we did.

          That is messed up.

          • Exactly this.

            My XH married his whore. They take the same vacations we took, stay in the same hotels. After we divorced, he purchased a home in a rural area while he was dating the whore. Within months of marrying (14 months after purchase), he sold his house and moved around the corner from our former marital home. When he left me, he told everyone we were going in “different directions”.

            Also, he said he left because he wanted children (we never were able to conceive, he didn’t want to explore why). The whore isn’t pregnant yet – at 37, she’s 10 years younger than me. He’s been gone for four years.

        • Yup. And they keep taking the same vacations we planned, buying the same gifts, etc., etc. No imagination and minimal effort.

  • After he left me, man I was married to for 17 years admitted to seven long term affairs, and with such a sad face told me the first AP was only one he had any real feelings for. By the time of my first D-day, he was on #6. I saw the texts and emails in which he declared his love, called her his soulmate, promised a future, wrote her a poem in which he called her A BLESSING! It was so hard for him to end it with her because he loved her so much! But remember, the only one he really had any feelings for was the first one. Sigh. So romantic! No wonder when he finally left me it was for AP #7, his new secretary, who had witnessed his work-place meet ups with #6. During mediation #7’s presence in his life came up as we discussed parenting issues, and I described her as “your current girlfriend.” He looked at me disdainfully and informed me, “She’s NOT just my current girlfriend. I plan a future with her and she with me.” For my kids’ sake, I dreaded the day they would get married. They live together with her kids, but despite their true love (because it’s real with her, she’s not like the others), 3 years on they haven’t taken the trip to an Oklahoma casino. Seems even they realize the crappy odds of winning. And now, if they do ever get married, no more dread for me. I divorced him – I’m the one who hit the jackpot.

    • See Rose Red, doesn’t your story show how delusional the whole cheater-reality is? It’s just chasing a mirage in the desert.

  • “Chances are, you’re either going to leave broke, or stick around with your ruinous “investment.” Meanwhile, you gambled away the things that really mattered — a faithful partner, your children, your self respect.”

    My ex – Prince Charming married Cinderella in a ‘magical’ ceremony at Disney World 1 year and 6 days after our divorce was final. I pretty much told him this exact thing. I hope things work out for the two of them but that’s not likely to happen. The success of a second marriage is only about 30%. He cheated with her and she had full knowledge that he had a wife and children. As a matter of fact she was a frequent guest in my home. Our sons can’t stand her. My eldest went to the wedding reception – held after their private ceremony – only to see his grandfather. When asked by PC why he didn’t say, my son replied – ‘because if anyone asked me how I felt about this I didn’t want to lie or have anyone mistake my words for my what my mother might feel about this’. Youngest son didn’t attend.

    Youngest son has articulated on more than one occasion that he hates his father. He has made some very poor choices and is now in therapy to deal with the fall out over his father’s betrayal.

    Me, I just sit back and watch the shit show of trying to look and act like all is respectable now that they are married. Can’t wait for karma to run his ass over.

    • Your elder son is a very smart and very wise young man. You did a great job. What a sad thing that his father threw away the respect that young man would normally have for a father.

  • So this may be totally off topic but I am chomping at the bit to share some good news if there can be any in a high conflict divorce.

    23 year old daughter decided to go no contact with her cheater dad last summer after her little brother told her about dad’s affair and that he had told him not to tell mom. I was still pick me dancing and trying to encourage her to have a relationship with him- she never relented.

    Stbx appeared to give up on her and stopped contacting her until I filed and texts and emails to her started up with a vengeance. So yesterday she gets a doozy of an email telling her that I have borderline personality disorder (projection much?) and he is concerned for my physical and mental health. He goes on and on and closes with “take care of your mom” . It is unbelievable and I am sure my lawyer will have a field day with it and it would send utb over the top.

    He even sent her a Wikipedia link to BPD- about which she said to me “doesn’t he know Wikipedia is not a reliable source?” Lol

    So later, we were discussing said email and I started in on how ridiculous some of the things he said I did were and daughter abruptly interrupts me and says “I don’t care what he says you did, it doesn’t change what he did!” Nothing could have made me feel better or prouder at that moment!

    Thanks for listening chumps!

    • That is the sweetest revenge ever, when your adult children say things like that to you! Both of my sons have said similar things to me.

    • It is unbelievable he’s trying to get to your daughter this way. I’m glad for you that she is mature and sees this situation for what it is–a shit show.

    • I have a 16 year old son who does not know about his father’s affair and I’ve been told I cannot tell him due to his age and the courts are extremely unhappy when a parent shares info of this sort with anyone under age 18. My attorney says “it can and will hurt your case” Here in NH we have fault ground divorce so I cross filed a fault ground petition after my stbx filed his irreconcilable differences. He groomed my son to want to leave with him because everything was my fault. I was too much pressure on son for academics, blah blah. Convinced my son “mom would not try to make it work with me” This after 18 years of raising a blended family of 8 kids, while stbx worked 10-12 hr days with the son being our only together. He left in Dec. denying it was anything other than me as the reason. I walked in on him in bed with his office manager in Feb. But soon found out it had been going on since the previous Jun. So my son is being brainwashed and does not know the real reason his father left. Talk about a shit sandwich…

      • I’m with you…my ex has brainwashed my 18 and 16 year old. They have moved in with him and Ho-worker. I go months before I see/talk to her hem.

        It is a double or triple shit sandwich.

      • I hope you have discussed this with a lawyer. It just doesn’t make sense since in effect one party is allowed to lie to a child but the other party is disallowed from telling the truth, and nearly any therapist would be willing to testify in court that this kind of information mismanagement is bad for children.

        Also, what happens if a child learns “by accident”–say when you are talking to an imaginary friend on the phone knowing that your child is in a position to overhear the conversation, and you manage to say quite clearly, “It is just killing me that I cannot tell junior that his father was having an affair with Jane the Office Manager, and that’s why we are divorcing. Junior should have the option to discuss this fact with his father if he wants to.”

      • Oh my goodness Paula.

        So stressful.

        My dear, are you bolstering your health to take care of this traumatic situation? You know, good nutrition, sleep, exercise, visits to the doctor, massages, whatever.

        I think this bad situation can turn around for you. I trust that you have an angle that will help you get an advantage.

      • I suspect your son will find out about the affair eventually without you needing to tell him. It remains to be seen how that will affect his relationships with you and his father. When that happens just make sure that he knows you didn’t tell him on the advice of your lawyer so he doesn’t feel betrayed by you for not telling him.

        Personally I think it is despicable for anyone to imply that it is wrong (legally or morally) to tell your kids the real reasons for the divorce. Why is protecting the image of cheaters so damn important in our society.

      • Instead of talking about the divorce and the reason for it, tell your son about the commitment you made to the marriage. Consider sitting down and telling both kids the following: ” In our state, the courts do not think parents should talk about the reasons for divorce with kids under 18. So I’m not going to talk about why there will be a divorce. You can ask me when you are 18 and I will tell you the truth if I think you are mature enough for that discussion. I’m not going to badmouth your dad because no parent should do that. What I can tell you right now is that I was totally committed to our family, to raising all 8 of you kids. But a marriage takes 2 people who are totally committed. Now, I would prefer that you live with me. I want you to do well in school and become the best man you can be. But you are old enough to make the decision about where to live, and I will love you with all my heart no matter what you do. But remember–there are a lot of things that you don’t know about my marriage to your father, or for that matter, about any relationship between 2 other people. This experience is a good chance for you to learn to stay out of the middle of a bad situation and to wait and see what the facts are before you assume that what you are told is the truth.”

        And if LyingDad has anything to say about this, you can just tell him that you wanted Son to know that it isn’t right for either parent to badmouth the other. You oppose parental alienation. Your son will figure it out eventually and he will be grateful that you kept him out of the middle. And remember that often kids will gravitate to the weaker parent or the parent more likely to ghost on them. So don’t assume the brainwashing is working or that it’s all that’s going on.

        • Great advice, LAJ, though I hesitate to say that telling the truth to children constitutes parental alienation.

          Paula–get a second opinion about telling the truth to your son (from another lawyer). And I have a document that might help you, tempest.ariel2014@gmail.com.

          • I agree Tempest. I spent the first four months after d day trying to protect the children from their fathers affairs. Meanwhile he was telling them and then telling them not to tell me under the guise of it would hurt me. When I confronted him , he claimed he thought our agreement only included previous affairs.

            I have learned my lesson tell the truth and even if it hurts, it is better than a lie. If the truth alienates, so be it, sounds like a natural consequence to me.

        • Thank you all for the insightful comments. Lovedajackass I could not agree more with your approach and it is the one I have been taking. I will not bad mouth anyone. The problem blossoms as we have gone along… what 16 year old boy wouldn’t want to be given complete control over all of his decisions. I am going to try to get a schedule via the court process. Temp hearing July 14. I have felt that to give all the decision making control to a 16 year old boy is only hurting him and our relationship and I believe that is exactly why his dad is doing it.

      • When my daughter asked why we were divorced when she was 4 I told her that there are certain rules that married people need to follow and her dad broke those married rules and so we needed to get divorced. It didn’t say anything specific, it was factual and age appropriate, and she got the jist. Just this morning she said that my fiance better follow the married rules with me after we get married.

      • My kids, one 16 year old young man and twins of 13, don’t know my ex had an OW. At present they, I think, believe the ‘I love your Mum but I’m not in love so I have to leave’ story. I will tell them the whole thing, but I need to choose the right time. I’m not a believer in revenge so I want to make sure I do it because I want them to know the truth, so they understand more about me. Right now I hate the idea that they don’t understand his part in the whole thing, and that their feelings for
        him are being manipulated.

        • I found that telling my son that Daddy got a new girlfriend while we were on our family vacation and married people shouldn’t do that worked pretty good.

        • My ex told our 14 and 16 y.o. he was leaving because he was miserable. I did not tell them about young Schmoopie (she was our daughters coach at school) so both my kids were going to get to eat that shit sandwich in front of their friends and teachers. I thought the twu wuv’s would fizzle out quickly once reality set in for him, but alas no. I had to out them to the principal and schmoopie got fired (even though old geezer tried to tell me schmoopie was innocent in all this). I didn’t want the kids to know the truth, again hoping it would fizzle out. My daughter found out on her dream trip with her dad (he had invited schmoopie to go with them). She came home not speaking to the ass and didn’t talk to him for 6 months. Our son had to be told because he couldn’t understand what his sister was so angry about. I basically told my son ‘there’s something dad needs out of life that isn’t in being married to me’. Still some spackle there. I also told him this was the second time dad has left for ‘love’. My son was 4 y.o. when dad left the first time for schmoopie 1.0 ( a real winner on her second husband and cheating history).

          Hindsight is 20/20, but I wish I had told my kids what was happening in real time. Not the horrible details of it all but trust they can understand one should not be dating while married. The clincher of this, our kids go to a Christian school to learn the values we had agreed were important to both of us.

        • My kids were 9 and 10 and figured it out on their own a few years on ( around 15/16) I only had to confirm when they asked. See, the ex’s (true to script) always seem to jump the gun and introduce the new partner quickly with some hokey story that doesn’t ring true. Mine used “she’s just a friend”.

          One day, a couple years in, sitting on the couch watching some tv and my oldest says ” was “ow” around before the divorce ?” I answered that yes -she was around. She said “I always knew she was a side-ho, dad brought her around so fast”

          Kids are smarter than we give them credit. Sometimes all we have to do is be there and speak truths when asked. They love their dad, they don’t want me bad mouthing him in the slightest, but I am allowed to answer questions truthfully.

  • I’ve been reading and enjoying your posts for a long time. But I have to say I am very disappointed in your derisive comments regarding Oklahoma. I grew up there before I moved to Denver for law school and then with my narcissistic ex to NYC, where he had always wanted to live. He liked to remind me often that he had saved me from my fate of being the Ford dealer’s wife.
    Your comments of a “tornado afflicted backwater” and reference to trying to make Oklahoma “look “sophisticated and fun” are unnecessarily harsh depictions of my home state. I understand the attempt at humor, but Oklahomans are some of the nicest people I know, the state has beautiful lakes and prairie vistas, and OKC is a booming city with art galleries, sports stadiums, river walks, bike paths, and an Olympic rowing facility, to name just a few of its attributes.
    Most Oklahomans I know would be appalled by the casinos that have sprung up along the highways for people driving to and from Texas. Texans may think of Okies as their “dim witted, poor brothers to the North,” but in Oklahoma, we always knew the wind blows south because Texas sucks;)

    • Lisa, I’m sorry I insulted Oklahoma. If it makes you feel any better I have far worse things to say about Texas. I say them all here: http://fullgrownpeople.com/2014/04/29/desperate-settlers/ (A state in which the weather tries to kill you. Not just tornadoes, but floods, wild fires, and drought.) About Texas, and probably Oklahoma too, I’ve never met a better, kinder set of people. FWIW, my son is dating a nice girl from Guthrie, Oklahoma.

      I’m just a wimp, I couldn’t take the heat and I couldn’t understand the appeal of the landscape in the Southwest. Or the open carry gun laws… I do, however, think casinos ANYWHERE sound like the Worst Vacation Ever.

      Next time I’ll make the butt of my jokes Detroit, my home town, which probably wins for derisive commentary. (Which also has casinos.)

      • I’ll give you permission to make fun of my home state of Illinois. It was great going on vacation when I lived there because it is conveniently located to everywhere in the world (O’Hare) and anywhere you go is more interesting than where you live. I used to tell people “it is a great place to live, but I wouldn’t want to visit there”. 🙂

        That being said, it always grated on me when STBX would trash Illinois saying ‘”nothing good ever came out of Illinois”. Sure made me feel special – Not.

      • This reminds me how when I was growing up I could pound on my sibling–but you would draw back a nub if you tried it. No matter what the flaws, family is family and home is home.

        That being said, I see a parallel from my Chump days. Once my ex pushed my buttons (he’d installed them and found them easily) and I lost it in retaliation (i.e. lost control of my tears and my tongue and my dignity), he had me right where he wanted me–right where no one heard the truth I was speaking and the focus turned to how I was ‘bitter,’ ‘bitchy,’ ‘psychotic,’ ‘triggered,’ ‘whiny,’ ‘annoying.’ With due respect to wit and well-honed sarcasm (whether directed at home states or politics), it is counterproductive when it takes the focus off the message–that adultery sucks and chumps can be mighty.

        Thank you, Lisa, for proudly putting in a good word for the great state of Oklahoma and thank you, Tracy, for graciously and immediately responding as you did.

    • Hey Lisa — I’m from around those parts, too. You have to mention the Arbuckle Mountains. Tulsa is cool. Plus, all the Native tribal councils are super-cool community administrative units — and the pow wows. Some of my favorite things.

      I totally get the tornadoes too. They are symbols of all that hot and cold air blowing in from the coasts and the borders, leaving us in the middle to deal. And we do. Ever notice how all the social issues are eventually solved by us midlanders? We have the sure-footedness, the common sense and the far-sightedness.

      But I loved today’s article!!! LOL So like my Texan relatives, who also contribute to the wind that becomes tornadoes. I love the casino metaphor, and hey! I get it about Oklahoma. Okay? Just because we’re salt-of-the-earth people doesn’t mean that we’re humorless, and that we can’t take a joke. Besides, there’s tons of rich joke material about DC and about NYC.

    • Oh Lisa,

      Relax.
      Seriously.
      Relax.

      If being “triggered” by someone making a tongue in check (brilliant) reference about how sad a vacay in Oklahoma at a casino (*IT IS*) then you are doing quite well in recovering from being chumped.

      I don’t have the strength or energy to even fight legitimate beefs. This is what upsets you? A brilliant column that comforts and educated people? Huh. I save my anger for men and women who give their partners Hep C but that’s just me.

      I make fun of the people in my state all the time, mean it- but know there are decent people here as well. It’s called a metaphor, writing, creative license.

      For you to make your whiney, (annoying) punky comment after CL is basically RUNNING A PUBLIC SERVICE for people whose lives have been stomped by the boot of sociopaths…..it pisses me off.

      If that makes you mad at me- that’s cool with me. Get over yourself.

        • Sorry, This Is Not a Test, but your tone and words trigger even me, and I’m not from Oklahoma. Lisa IS “over herself”. She sticks up for Oklahoma, and then sticks it to Texas in her last sentence, so I think Lisa has a sense of humour, and just wanted to voice her support of her home state, which she is free to do. She did it politely, and Tracy responded in kind.

          • Champ- You are right.

            CL IS kind.
            And that is my point.

            She does not need to be taken to task over a writing choice. She is a human being. (Yep. Not a cartoon). It was a writing. metaphor.

            Don’t you know, on some random Sunday night….she thinks…FUUUCCCCKKK I have to write a column for in the morning. She probably has cheater story fatigue. She may be tired of holding our hands through our misery and insanity.

            But, each Monday, she shows up.

            She is married to man who loves her enough to help her with her ideas, she has long past moved since being a chump, she has a job, a life, a son….but she still writes for us 4 days a week.

            Taking her to to task because she made a joke about Oklahoma? After all the hundreds of hours she GIVES to support us?

            Really???

            Sorry, but I am TRULY grateful for her writing. It saved my life. If enough people act like toddlers about some innocent geographical reference, she might say, You know what? I am tired of this.

            And the one sane, brilliant voice on infidelity would be gone.

            • TINAT……..thumbs up to you!

              OK…..that’s where the cheater is lives. So yep, it’s a bad trigger for me!

              Glad you didn’t let anyone tell you when to stop or what to say!

    • I’m from the Detroit area, so relax. The whole country bashes on my city and state but I can take it. We know our strengths and weaknesses even if the rest of the country doesn’t. And yes, some parts here really do suck. I concur because I’m not blind. But if you’re trying to sell Oklahoma, stop. An Olympic rowing facility doesn’t leave most people paralyzed with awe.

      I recently spent the longest week of my life in a tiny Oklahoma city the size of a thumb tack. Sure it was pretty. But I wasn’t feeling the lawn crosses made of painted boulders, the rebel flags, or the beat up trailers retrofitted to be convenience stores. We actually had to drive to another city called McAlester to try to find something to eat. We ended up at a fucking Chili’s. So no.

      • I’m from Ohio, home of the Buckeyes, who I adore. And the rivalry between Ohioians and fans of “TSUN” (That School Up North) whose name Buckeyes don’t mention is unprecedented. I rarely say anything good about Michigan and expect Michgananders to do the same for Ohio. It’s all in good fun. I actually think Michigan is a beautiful state with lots of fun places to visit but you’ll never me say so publicly, at least during football season. 😀

        • My husband and I both have this irrational, unwarranted hatred of U of M. I guess because their alum always came off so arrogant. (Like the joke; How can you tell a person went to U of M? Wait 5 minutes and they’ll tell you over and over again.) I know . . . it’s a stereo type. Ha ha!

          Ohio isn’t bad at all. Just think how many times we have to drive through it to get anywhere. 😉 I dig Cleveland. And I spend a lot of time in Cincinnati for an old job I had and I thought it was a blast.

          • I went to Michigan State University so I am in solidarity with your U of M hatred. I can’t even go to Ann Arbor without feeling like I need a shower. Once I was visiting my sister and we were eating lunch in an organic food co-op across the street from a Birkenstock store and a folk music store. It was the most quintessentially perfect description of Ann Arbor ever.

            • I moved from Grand Rapids to the Lansing atea. Since then I have been completely mystified by the unabashed, unashamed, and unrelenting “team spirit” fans have both FOR their own college and AGAINST the other ones.
              Am convinced it’s either something in the water, or a shot given at Freshman orientation.
              People take this shit so seriously. As a neutral party/ outsider I find it disturbing. Cult-like.
              I see it like this: U of M’s teaching hospital has several excellent specialists, including a surgeon who made my daughter see. I love U of M!
              On the other hand, MSU is a leading agriculture and vet school. Its crop and soil research has huge ripple effects throughout the food industry. For that I thank MSU. (Plus amazing ice cream!)
              My blood may not be blue or white or maize or green, but I sppreciate each college for the concrete things it has done for me.
              I don’t understand how anything else is real or realistic.
              Waaaay off topic, I know. This has been on my mind for a long time. Thank you for indulging me.

          • I grew up in Columbus and now live in Dayton. If you’re ever in the area, let me know. I’d love to meet some fellow Chumps! I’m hoping at some point we can pull off a grand Chump Convention. Maybe in a casino in Oklahoma?? Just kidding.

            • Or Vegas ! Now that I know it is the cheater’s city…A CN convention would be like a slap in the face for these MF’s…

      • So funny! We were so excited to get a Chilis in our town! We travel miles to eat at a chain restaurant. It’s like if we can touch a bit of the big city we will survive the backwardness of life in a place that ranks low in the US for children’s health, wellbeing and education but high for tourism.
        Now back to chump education.

        • I’m sort of spoiled with the food. Detroit really does have some fabulous places to eat but I guess they are more well known for crime and shootings and stuff.

          I live in a sunny state now, and STILL bitch because I can’t get a decent pizza.

    • Woah, Everybody calm down. We are here to support each other not trash each other. Let’s keep the negativity where it belongs, on our lousy spouses, ex’s and STBXs. They suck no matter where they live or where they are from.

      • And let me say there is nothing sadder than a casino in the morning. I spent 3 days at a convention in Las Vegas and checked out of the hotel in the morning for an 11 pm flight and spent the day reading in the airport. I couldn’t wait to leave.

        Not that my hotel room wasn’t beautiful (it was lovely, and I would stay there again if the Zombie Apocalypse forced me back to Las Vega) but the sight of people pulling slot machines and smoking at 8 in the morning was just sad.

        • Hoover dam is nearby. That’s where I would go if I found myself in Las Vegas for any reason.

          • Son’t forget to go to the local park “Valley of Fire”, a great piece of desert with wonderful rock carvings and a lot of history. But go early in the AM!

    • I live in Oklahoma and have since 1992 (although I grew up in California). Thanks for sticking up for Oklahoma, Lisa! It might not be the most glamorous place in the world, but it’s a nice lifestyle.

      The post made me laugh out loud this morning though because I’ve been told by the cheater that he and his ho-worker (with whom he now lives) are taking the 3 kids (her two 9 year-olds and my 7 year old) to a casino in Durant for vacation this summer……..I literally have no words. Just what every kid under 10 wants to do?

  • I only wish for the karma that would be their marrying.

    Six months after I divorced her, AP gloated to my face that he was “marrying this woman.” Six months after that, XW texted me with the news of their engagement.

    Six months after that, AP again gloated to my face–this time with a desperate snarl, “She will be my wife in a few months.” I told him “You are being used. You will see. All in due time.”

    Last year, mysteriously, the engagement ring disappeared from her finger. Six months ago her hoovering began: the engagement is off, she made the biggest mistake of her life, she wants me back, blah fuckety-blah. I smile and nod and politely back away.

    She is still living with him because she can’t be alone. Haven’t seen AP or his gloat in a long time.

    Now I think, Please, please, marry this woman. Make her your wife. Oh, and be sure to track her phone all the time and most importantly, when you do marry? Combine your finances.

    Have a wonderful karma with your prize.

    • Gosh David, reading your post makes me see things in a different light. It makes me wish our divorce would happen quickly to free them up to marry and claim their karma prize?

    • The takeaway: Chumps don’t warn the affair partner!!!! Let them find out these little lessons all on their own. Hahahaha!

      • I am still in the midst of trying to get divorced. My STBX is doing some rally crappy things financially with his business to hide income (in order to not have to share the assets and to reduce his support payments). Because of this, I continue to monitor him to get the documentation I need.

        I recently saw some activity with another woman (even younger than OW). She was someone I started to suspect was involved with my STBX before he left. My gut is telling me that he is priming this girl as a potential backup if things with OW don’t work out or he plans to add (if not already) her to his life behind OW’s back.

        For a brief moment, I considered telling OW. Then I decided that these things should just play out on their own. Besides, odds are that she wouldn’t believe me anyway. She believes STBX is going to be faithful and be a good husband and father. LOL.

      • MissDeltaGirl, Agree, never warn them! They won’t believe you anyways and it comes off as sour grapes from the chump. They buy into the “specialness” of thier lover and he/she is different for them! It just NEVER comes out as the warning it’s meant to be. Let them step into that quicksand all on thier own!

      • Oh I totally agree: never confront or warn the AP. This was a very unique situation. I won’t go into detail, but suffice to say I was nearly literally pinned in my car waiting for my kids and he came at me aggressively. I defended myself in the moment with what begged to be said. That was the only time in the numerous brushes with him that I lost my cool. These days I sit back and think about (but not too much as I mostly don’t care) how unhappily they are clinging to each other as their fairyland ship sinks.

    • I find it so interesting how affair partners are in a rush to get married. Most people that recently divorce, don’t want anything that resembles marriage for a long time – if ever. My XH was engaged to his OW within a year of our divorce (which only took 74 days).

  • STBX operates differently. He wants the normal facade (it’s all about image), but hookers behind the scenes. I actually feel kind of bad for his GF, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know what she’s gotten herself into. She’s the new sane face of a dysfunctional reality. I will say she started dating him while he still lived in my home (but I had filed for divorce) and she knew we still lived together. He brought her here one weekend while I was taking the kids to an out of town competition. Let’s just say once she entered the picture our amicable divorce turned into a nightmare …. he showed me right!

    I understand they’ve talked about getting married, but here we are on year two, and I’m still legally married. Most people think we are long divorced because of his “we’re so happy” social media posts. Good luck to her in that casino….the only thing she won was a cheater, and the possibility of future STD’s

    • Cautionary take for me, thanks. We’re still co-habitating (have a kid) until the settlement is final. Things are agreeable enough. I’ve requested that he not date at all and just focus on this gigantic thing we’re doing until it’s done, to keep things peaceful for our daughter and so I can get on the other side of it quickly. And because I just know what you say is true. Once you inject an outside party into these things, all bets are off. I hope he keeps honoring my request but I can see how antsy he is the get going on his fuckfest.

      • Oh, how naïve I was. I hope for your sake it remains civil … but just like monogomy… don’t bet on it. Trust cheaters suck! They don’t know what respect looks like, and once they realize their sparkles no longer work on you, their mask comes off! I felt like STBX was purposely trying to punish me for divorcing him… because he cheated.

      • That is what I was wanting STBX to do. Wait until after the divorce before going back so Schmoopie so we could get through it all without her influence and the hard feelings her presence in his life causes both of us towards each other. Of course he couldn’t wait. Then he was upset that his kids found out about her when I lost it after finding credit card charges for her. If he could have just focused on the divorce and not brought her back into the picture until later, that would not have happened and his relationship with daughter would not be as strained as it is. He also wouldn’t be facing so much disapproval of both himself and her from his side of the family. Of course all of that is my fault just like everything else that went wrong in his life.

  • Based on what others have told me, my wife continued lying about her affair for years after I filed for divorce. In that time, while our divorce was finalized, she helped to destroy the OM’s marriage…and lied about all of this to her family/friends.

    By then, she’d thoroughly convinced herself that they were soul mates or some other bullshit (she’d convinced me of the same 10 years earlier). So, she had to put on a little show to “legitimize her relationship with her OM,” which she had hidden from everyone for 2 years in total.

    Legitimization Step 1: My ex “came clean” to all of these people, admitting at least some of the details of her affair. I suddenly got calls from former friends and family–even her sister–wanting to be friends again. (As FreeVix noted, however, my ex never came clean to me, nor to her, so we know just how “genuine” this little show was.)

    Legitimization Step 2: Given my ex’s “relationship” with her OM was already showing signs of strain, she persuaded him to impregnate her. According to her logic, that would keep his focus on her and their baby, as opposed to the son he already had. In other words, like the cliche that she is, my ex had a baby for the worst reason.

    Legitimization Step 3: The OM is now legally divorced. So, do they get married? On the one hand, they are already tied together by a child. On the other, she seeks the final societal legitimization of her relationship with him…that it was all “meant to be,” and the collateral damage to two marriages and one family be damned.

    I’m lucky, in the sense that the ending doesn’t matter. It’s like I left a terrible movie halfway through. Someone may tell me how it ends–either awfully that they chose to wed and stay together ’till death having started their entire relationship with lies and betrayal, awfully that they didn’t choose to wed and instead broke up their fledging family, or awfully that they chose to get married and then one/both cheated and they divorced.

    Awful movies have awful endings.

    • In retrospect, I’m not sure she did convince him to impregnate her. I think it was an accidental-on-purpose pregnancy, but he went into image management mode and claimed that they had “talked about it a while back.” I would bet that when they talked about it, he said he wasn’t ready, but he’d be damned if he’d admit that to me. I’m sure he’looks resent her for it as much as he resented our (truly) accidental pregnancy. Gosh, I believe that our son was about the age of their new baby when his dick started to wander.

      As for the rest of their “legitimization,” aka image management, my bets are that they’re Oklahoma bound.

  • The best things about casinos are the free drinks (if they still have those) and the all you can eat buffet.

    I don’t enjoy gambling, and all the noise, lights, and cigarette smoke gives me a migraine. Bleh.

    • You have to admire the faith they have in their delusions though. Especially when both cheat and destroy their marriages and immediately tie the knot as if it were normal and healthy. ….Nothing to see here folks, just our twu wuv!

      You don’t even have to watch that movie to know how it turns out!

      • Oh yes, their delusions are mind boggling! I had the pleasure today of hearing my kids describe what a douche STBX’s girlfriends, STBX is (Gees that reads like a Gerry Springer family tree episode ?) . How he takes off to spend time with his girlfriend instead of his kids, etc. As my brain is screaming, “oh, you think he’s a douche! at least he doesn’t do it under the guise of “I’m a good guy, I work so hard to provide for you” while he’s missing your school play because he’s in bed with a hooker” STBX LOVES to exploit smoopsie’s assholish ex so he looks like the good guy… When he did the exact same thing, but he just lied about it! I seriously think he believes he’s a better person than smoopsie’s ex because he’s a better liar.

        I can not believe how delusional cheaters are about who they are! Alas, one of the very last things STBX said to me before he moved out is…”stop telling me who I am!” Oh, I’m sorry that in his world of 10 + years of lying, cheating, gaslighting and manipulation he is a great guy, and in his mind, I’m the crazy one for calling him out on it! Yep… definitely delusional!

    • During the pick me dance (I’m 100% Amazon chump I LOVE learning and read everything I could including all the statistics) I told idiot cheater he and the whoremat had basically 0.000000000000000000000000001% chance of staying together. And his response, “Well you and I worked out for ten years. Maybe whoremat and I will be together for ten years too and then it’ll all blow up. I don’t know.”

      Yeah, we worked out for ten years because we had years of groundwork put in not a few months of sad sausage texting about how terrible our spouses are and then some secret fucking in a hotel. PLUS, there was a sane, decent human being in the relationship not an idiot cheater and the dysfunctional whore of the century trying to keep the ship afloat.

      He’s already over her and has been since basically a few weeks after all of this started.???

      So much for “true love and soulmates should never have to settle.” ?

  • My ex and his Owife finalized their divorce last December, just six months shy of what would have been their 10th wedding anniversary. She’s already got her next victim lined up, at least according to her youngest son – my children’s half brother – who reports two new brothers who sleep over sometimes and a man named Kevin who does all the time. Meanwhile my ex seems happy. He’s moved back into the same apt. Building he lived in after leaving me and our two small children. And he agreed to even less visitation with this most recent child than he had with our two. While they were married, X and Owife made each other miserable, starting about 9 months in to what they had anticipated to marital bliss. Too bad they couldn’t have stayed together; it was sweet revenge for me. Im happily remarried and long since at meh. So, Shrug.

  • 6 months after my divorce was final, my kids told me that the Ex got engaged to her AP. In one of those moments I blurted out “Oh, that poor b**tard”. Kids looked at me and started laughing. And yeah, they haven’t set a date for the wedding, but bought a house together! Does anyone else see the train wreck coming here?

  • It took a year after the divorce to get conclusive proof that Hannibal’s GF was also an AP, who left her own husband because Hannibal begged her to after I filed on him (they can’t be alone). Last I heard, she was about to go on antidepressants, and a recent picture I saw of him, he has that same disdainful look I remember from the end of the marriage. Have fun with that, you two!

    • They always revert to who they truly are. They are con artists. And at some point, they get bored and need a new victim to play.

    • Has anyone asked why the need to remarry? I will never get married again, I do not see the need – my kids are older and I so am I, so I can’t have more kids by the laws of nature. What is the deal with getting married again? We lived together for 4 years before marrying. No big rush. Loved my wedding day and loved my marriage, until I didn’t. Can’t see a reason why. What am I missing?

      I think saying those vows once, meaning them with all my heart, and having it blow up in my face was a lesson learned. Date? Live together? Yes and yes. But remarry? I’d feel like a fool doing it again.

      • I’m in total agreement, but, then again, my narc left only a few months ago so it’s still a very fresh wound. Living alone with kids is pretty great so far, even though I was scared at first! I am an introvert and I like to try to keep a clutter free home, and stay really organized, so living without a man suits my personality. Love to watch tv in bed or read a book with the light on in the wee hours of the night if I randomly wake up. My view could change someday though. But overall? No. My 12 year marriage was a financial, social, emotional, career and health liability from which I am still trying to recover. Someday I’d welcome a boyfriend, but I don’t need to ever smell a man’s shit in my bathroom, or have a man legally steal my belongings pretty much ever again. Plus I really don’t want to destabilize my kids’ situation since they are so young.

  • If it weren’t for my kids, I’d wish my ex would marry her AP. I really would. My wife’s AP was a married co-worker. They supposedly had grand plans to divorce me and his wife at the same time, and then lo and behold, they would have found each other and the relationship would have been publicly legitimate.

    A couple of problems with that plan: i) their whole office knew about them screwing around for years before this “plan” was hatched, and ii) while the OM told my wife he wanted to get a divorce during the affair, he really never had any intentions of leaving his wife.

    What fun it is to imagine though….their offices are right next to each others. 24 hours a day of them having to be together (with no break) every single day. And they’d have to watch each other on their phones, wondering if they’re on yet another secret messaging app. Wondering who they’re with when they “go to the gym”….or would they have to go together all the time to police each other? God it boggles the mind. The OM also knew about my wife hiding money, so how exactly does he know if she’s also doing that to him?

    They’re both obviously delusional though, and like every other cheating spouse we’ve all dealt with on here, they believe that they’re the special ones that won’t ever get cheated on themselves. “OM cheated on his wife with me? So what! I’m better than her! So he’ll never do that to me!!”

    Yeah right…….Again though, if it weren’t for my kids, I’d love to see them give it a shot.

  • Thanks for this article. STBX has not said anything about marrying Schmoopie yet, but I can see it going there eventually. We are not even divorced yet and already he is trying to shove her down his family’s throats. He is holding off on the kids on the advice of our former MC and the therapist we had talk to the kids to get their thoughts on placement, time spent with parents, etc. I have no doubt he will be introducing her at exactly 6 mo after the divorce is finalized, however, as the advice was to wait at least that long minimum. The next step would then be to get married. I hope by then I will be closer to meh, but I fear I may not be (this process is just taking way too long, I really should have stopped caring a long time ago). I will just have to dig up this article again when that time comes to remind myself that it is just karma in the making.

    Although I know it would be just another emotionally draining blow if it were to happen now, there is still a part of me that wishes he would move in with her (and her four still at home kids including teenagers at least half of every week) just so he can see that living with her and her kids wouldn’t really be any easier than living with me and his own kids ever was. On the other hand, she seems perfectly willing to neglect her kids to give him her attention, so maybe living with her wouldn’t see so bad after all. It is sad that he can only love a woman who is willing to neglect her kids for him. At least she doesn’t have a job to neglect too. Being supported by her ex gives her plenty of time to lavish on STBX. Of course she will still have to keep the house clean and spotless and that might take time away from giving him her attention. Oh, what am I saying? That’s what her kids are for.

    • Oh my goodness. STBX already knows how muffed up his situation is. He doesn’t have to move in with her to see that train wreck. Four kids still at home? Rich. She doesn’t have a job? It’s getting worse. Supported by her X? This is all a fantasy, and could implode / explode any minute.

      • plus of course, if she has alimony from her ex, that ends if another man moves in. Only child support continues.

        • I did not know that. Maybe that is what is keeping him away or keeping her from demanding the he take it to the next level. Too bad really. He can keep living in his fantasy world where life with her is just the fun parts.

    • Dear chumpinrecovery;
      Please hang in there and remember the sound advice of CL and CN, “Trust that they SUCK!!”

      I truly know how you feel. My POS XH is now living with his wealthy sow and her brood of 4. Two are tween/teens and the 2 youngest are the same age as my 2. Very similar to your situation.

      It’s good that yours held off bringing schmoopie into the lives of your children. Right after I served the POS with the divorce petition, he introduced the sow to my children as their stepmother!

      Please remember that schmoopie accepts your X with everything that is unacceptable to you. YOU are free him and his complete lack of empathy, integrity, and conscience. All that works for schmoopie.

      Let her have him and hope that they remain together. Then you have peace and can be the sane true parent to your children and inspire them to an authentic successful happy life.

      Sincerely,
      –Wanting to Be On the Other Side

      • “Please remember that schmoopie accepts your X with everything that is unacceptable to you. ”

        Words to hang your hat on.

        • “Please remember that schmoopie accepts your X with everything that is unacceptable to you. ”

          Brilliant, just brilliant !!

  • This was my greatest fear… that Mr. Sparkles would marry the OW and live happily ever after in her 4BR home and enjoy the life of her millionaire Daddy. It made me sick to my stomach every day. So, while he was building his “new future”, I went about other things… I filed for the divorce and he GOT NOTHING. He wanted 50/50, he gets every other weekend. I have the love and respect of family, he gets to see his older kids at “happy hours”. Basically, while he was too busy with Schmoopie, I lined up my ducks and he never saw it coming.

    The icing on the cake was my discovery that he was running around on her (see CL’s comments about these disordered fuckwits never changing). He was on AFF the entire time he was “falling in love in a way he didn’t think he could ever feel again”… and he was cruising for men, women and couples. Somehow (I know nothing – wink)… the OW found out about his AFF life and dropped him like a hot potato.

    What did Mr. Sparkles do? He told the kids that SHE CHEATED ON HIM… and being the parasite that he is, he latched on to the first available host at CrossFit.

    I’m not going to lie… he is now moving in with her (she’s know the guy for a year!) and once again, he just rolled from one relationship to another… and I’m not quite Meh about it. But it isn’t so much that I want to be her… it is more that I don’t want her to get hurt because I will tell you this, Mr. Sparkles in amazing at lovebombing, gaslighting, devaluing and discarding. And he will do it to her.

    Newbies – I know your pain and anguish. I was there 3 years ago… please believe me, CL and CN. It does get better. Trust that they suck. If they marry, trust that karma is at work. Keep your focus on you (and your kids if you have them)… there is such a rich life waiting for you… ALL SEVENS!

  • I’ll never know if my ex marries Poopsie … we were (long-term) common-law, so he’s free to do what he wants. He thought that when we were living together, too, so nothing’s changed!!!

  • My X and the OW don’t have 2 dimes to rub together so no Casino trips for them. They’d have to open a “Go Fund Me” account to hit the casino. I laughed because the OW did a “Go Fund Me” request to get money to go on a honeymoon. On that site you can post comments. So I happily wrote , “You have been married 4 times don’t you think you have had enough honeymoons? I don’t think people wish to donate money to a convicted Federal drug dealer and his side piece.” She pulled it off after that.

    The OW did use a casino trip to get my X to marry her. He wasn’t going forward with marriage so she went with her stripper/pole dancer daughter on a trip to Arizona casino. The trip was sponsored and was for people involved in working the Men’s Clubs. Her daughter paid her way. Guess the trip to show my X she’d be looking at other options if he didn’t commit. My X bit the bullet and proposed when she arrived back. Note she left my X with HER 4 kids while on the trip. (Nice to see my X getting used for a change)

  • I hope my XH does marry his whore. After all, he walked away from our 40-year relationship and our 3 grown sons to be with her (his married coworker from the next office over), so why not put some lettuce, tomato and pickles on that shit sandwich and go all the way?

    It would be a pleasure to see him nail down such an upstanding and devoted woman as she is. Oh, pish posh… never mind that she dumped her own chump of a husband and left her 2 grown children with their mouths hanging open from shock to be with my blue ribbon prize of a man! After all, my XH and she were “destined to be together” and they “have so much in common” (you know… lying, cheating, betraying their marital vows, abandoning their families… all the stuff that really matters). How could they possibly be apart? It just wouldn’t be right!

    With any luck, in time, they would bestow on one another the gift that keeps on giving: getting dumped and chumped.

  • Kunty Kibbler is not marrying one of her “pre-confrontation” affair partners. She is marrying Rider of the Purple Dildo, the (still?) married cheater whom she met a mere 11 days after the shit hit the fan and I said, “No more.”

    Since she refused to leave the house for 10 months (until the court made her vacate) and she took every opportunity possible to force this relationship in my face (late nights in hotels several times a week, signed copy of his book on the kitchen counter, wearing a T-shirt with his name on it around the house, getting a divorce tattoo, on and on), I consider him to be a full-fledged AP. Oh, the edginess of such a sexually sophisticated yet taboo relationship while continuing to wreak havoc on poor former spouse and appliance children!

    I’m an agnostic, so I can’t really call it “praying,” but I meditate frequently on how badly I want this marriage to go through — and not only because of the inevitable karma catastrophe.

    When the children have moved on to their own lives, and whatever attention KK & RPD are now getting because of their “new starts” with sexually sophisticated partners that their long-suffering spouses could simply never measure up to finally dries up, they’ll each be left with a spoiled, needy, insecure, attention-craving invertibrate who is completely incapable of meeting ever-shifting expectations.

    And KK will never be able to ask me for alimony once child support ends.

    • Lol. You grandfathered him in. Nice! When she marries anyone, it will be Karmaggedon big time.

  • Perfect time for a rerun of this article. My exahole just got back from his honeymoon with howorker!

  • This brings back a vague memory for me. My Ex was in deposition and proudly announced his intention was to marry Schmoopie as soon as we divorced. My lawyer asked if he had been introduced to her family and he said yes. Funny thing though, he couldn’t remember any of thier names or anything that would indicate he was even an acquaintance with them! It was laughable. Fast forward a month later to our final divorce. I am just waiting for the “big announcement!” Apparently he told her he was NEVER going to marry her because he couldn’t afford it. I guess she was all kinds of pissed! Her “save” was that she had taken control of what little money he did have and she was on all of his bank accounts. When he did leave her (four months later) she cleaned him out totally! This was her MO during thier entire affair because it wasn’t the first time she had helped herself to his funds during a breakup. He just never learned!
    Coincidentally his brother and SIL came to visit me this week and we were talking about this time period just after the divorce. They told me that he spent most of his time at thier house (two states away) and whined incessantly about how unhappy he was! When he returned to my home he told me, “I never thought you would really divorce me!” My reply was, “what was I supposed to do? Just let you keep her on the side and eat shit?” I believe when I divorced him it brought all the “future faking” BS to the forefront. It meant he would have to actually follow through with his lies. Tells me that she was just a fantasy and he wanted to play her. But she ended up playing him by taking what little he had. He came back home sick, broke, unemployed and a broken man. She could have cared less. So much for twu wuv! I believe if they had married that it would never have lasted. They didn’t trust each other and for good reason. It was a fantasy.

  • Ex moved OW in with him in his parents basement where he lives (I kept the marital home). she moved in last fall, our divorce was just finalized in April. It used to bother me that he could marry her, because they have been together like 10 years now, lol, but I now realize that it would be fun if he really does do it. I don’t think he has he balls as he can’t even post a picture of them together on Facebook. I outed the both of them publicly, so everyone knows she was good ho…except the kids who I sheltered from this mess. But the part that makes me think I’m the luckiest woman is this: my daughter came home from visitation telling that her father painted his room Superman blue and has superhero pictures all over the wall. But he’s not good with a hammer so they keep falling down. He’s 41….any man that age who regresses to age 6 you can keep. My son is 12 and HE doesn’t want superheroes on his wall cause he thinks it’s too babyish…OW…you really got a catch there!!!

  • I forgot to add one thing….one of my friends bet me that he hasn’t even told OW that the divorce has been finalized….now that is a bet I would take! He so much of a coward….

  • Ah, I want to say that my X won’t marry the babysitter (man babysitter).
    But then I used to say she can’t have any more kids. They have one now.
    So I’m going to mind my own business, since this is all I can control.
    Big things await me. I have plenty to do. Live my own life!

  • I do feel sorry for STBX’s AP. I remember being young and naive and susceptibile to charm from men. I know at 19 you are totally responsible for your choices, and yes she knew he was a married father with a pregnant wife. I know that the real reason he left was because he is a coward and this way he doesn’t have to deal with the truth or face any consequences. I do hope that she sees sense before she does marry him. I’m not sure she will though as he is well and truely love bombing her and she is believing every word. I can’t wait for my divorce to be final now. It makes me sick to see how he is taking advantage of a young girl.

    • I dunno, my daughter was 19 at the time of D-day and exhibited more common sense & morality than people twice her age. I work with 19 year olds much of the week, and think any 19 year old who starts fucking a married man whose wife is pregnant should be culpable for her lousy decisions.

      • I totally agree but I don’t think it’s going to happen. He has just replaced me with her and is acting like it’s not a big deal. They have both admitted that they are selfish and said sorry. Their actions are not convincing me of any true remorse or understanding of the real impact of their actions.

  • His OW – he eventually married, moved, had a baby… but that poor woman had been playing the pick me dance so long, and he would lie to her that I still wanted him back to keep her in line. Needless to say she hated me and believed his every lying word.. One time, imaging the rainbow waves of bliss which would come from sharing Mr. Sparkles again.. that pretty picture caused me to roll dangerously on the floor of my apartment .. laughing until I couldn’t stop. Just knowing the downstairs neighbors might be calling the cops eventually quieted me down. What a prize that guy was! Yeah, I want to run away with that.

  • ChumpLady/Chump Nation –

    This was the post the I found years ago when through my grief I googled “what happens when affair partners marry.” I laughed through my tears and then I just kept reading everything you wrote. Even years later I still check chump lady first thing in the morning each day.

    My ex left me for his married coworker. They consulted with lawyers together and put their divorces in motion the exact same day. How romantic! My daughter and OW daughter are the same age, born the same month and everything. They thought they’d have their very own Brady Bunch. She moved into my house literally days after I moved out while we were still in the early stages of our divorce. Changed the locks, sent my cats to a kill shelter without telling me, and got a dog. They waited a whopping 2 months after the divorce was final to get engaged and had to postpone their wedding at least once because my ex got fired from his job. They ended up getting married on April Fools Day in the backyard of the house I still legally owned because they dragged their feet on refinancing in their name due to financial issues (She has awful credit and he was unemployed).

    She’s gained 40-50lbs in the last 2 years, her credit is worse than ever (she told me this as if I’m supposed to feel sorry for her). Her daughter is always sick and their medical bills are eating them alive. My ex has an ongoing issue with anal polyps since we separated. It makes me feel so gleeful that the asshole has medical issues with his asshole.

    They don’t seem happy per se, but they don’t seem unhappy. They seem stagnant, dead, bored. The thrill has worn off and guess what, married life is just as boring as it was when they were with their first spouses. Except now they have 4 people and a dog in a tiny house. And now my ex’s new job causes him to need to travel for work a lot, which is how he started his affair with OW, on business trips. I wonder if that scares her at all.

    She’s oddly confident that they are special and their love to real and true, but she also told me that she cheated on her husband numerous times during their marriage. I told her not to get too comfortable because I used to be that confident too until one day I was blindsided. So don’t let yourself get too comfortable.

    • This won the internet for me today: “It makes me feel so gleeful that the asshole has medical issues with his asshole.” It really doesn’t get much better than that from a karma perspective. Thanks for making my day. Oh and how funny that they got married on April Fool’s Day. Yep, that really lack any sort of introspection. Hahahahahaha

      • I’m laughing with you Beth.

        “I’m supposed to feel sorry for you because you have prostate cancer ? Is that karma zapping your crotch for screwing around ?”

        Poor baby

      • Sure…this is what we wait for i just think we will never have them on a plate because they were doing that to us and we fell for it for X long and it takes tome to break. Maybe we just got the prize for staying with it. … oh dear

    • why do you have any conversation with her? You clearly do not share any common values…
      Just wondering what’s in it for you.

  • Ah yes, cheaters marrying their Affair Partners… 🙂

    I divorced CheaterX after lining my ducks up very carefully. I absolutely didn’t want to disturb whatever fantasy was in CheaterX’s mind, as I didn’t want him to think very carefully about the settlement I proposed or hire a lawyer who would look at how I had drawn up asset and debt division to enable us to have a 50/50 split in which I got assets and he got debts. My thought at the time was that since CheaterX was always going on about money, I’d make him pay as much as I was legally able to do so.

    Anyway, it took a while, and I’ve been divorced for 1.5 years and out of the marital home for just over a year.

    Schmoopie moved in pretty much the day I left. I found out that he’d proposed to her within days of the divorce, and later found out that their wedding, initially scheduled for a year out, was fast-forwarded to occur only 2 months after I moved out.

    I knew that Schmoopie was all about CheaterX’s money. When they met, he’d just hired her on as a junior member of his staff. She was a twice-divorced single mom with a child closing in on that all-important 18th birthday. It was clear to me that she was trying to set up an alternate income stream to compensate for the upcoming loss of child support. Apparently she had a few flings with the upper management, but they weren’t buying what she was selling–especially when they got a free preview!

    She helped him run up a lot of debt prior to the divorce. I figured that he would last about a year before he ran out of money.

    I was wrong. She left him 8 months after they married. Apparently she’d been cheating on him the entire time he was cheating on me. The divorce was final this month.

    He, of course, is a Sad Sausage. He’s contacted me a few times since the first of the year. I’ve not responded to any of his contacts.

    Apparently, things “started to get weird” as soon as I moved out. Translated, this means that I was no longer part of the triangle, so they were left with each other. They needed me to dance the Pick Me dance, but I knew that the only way to win that dance is not to play.

    And yes, I’m very happy with my life now. 🙂

  • Strongly disagree with any court saying you cannot tell your child the real reason their mother or father left. It is a lie and destroys the trust! They have the RIGHT to know and see what their mother or father is all about. As everyone knows full well, the children always find out. Lying to your children is NOT IN THEIR BEST INTEREST!

    Laws need to be changed NOW! Anyone that walks out, abandons, destroys has not right to 50/50 custody. While it is not physical abuse, it is mental abuse. Abusers, liars and cheats deserve nothing!

    Lobby your cases. Stop eating Shit sandwiches for shitty reasons…

  • I have not posted in quite a while but this article hit a nerve.

    On my D-day (14 months ago) my x told me that she had secretly made contact with her HS boyfriend via Fakebook. Two days earlier she had left a note on the bathroom counter telling me she was divorcing me. Two days later on D-day the words she used to describe her HSBF was “he is easy”. Exact quote. That was it. A 14 year marriage and 3 kids tossed aside for “easy”. She married HSBF this March announcing to her family via a mass email that she had married her “best friend”.

    Here is the Mind F I’m dealing with, and any advice would be appreciated. Even though I have made substantial progress since my divorce (10 months ago) my ex and her AP still occupy great spaces of my head. I am constantly comparing what I have now to what they are doing. Before I met him (Thanksgiving weekend 2016), I had conjured up a vision of a cross between Brad Pitt and Jerry Seinfeld. He isn’t close to that. In fact, he is a loser. Pled guilty to battering his former wife, has multiple money judgments, declared BK, and he is ugly to boot. So why in God’s name can’t I let it go? To hear the X talk it is the Brady Bunch at their place. Why do I care? My life is so much better without her. Any words of advice? We still have two children in school, and my son loves the AP’s boys. (PS I like the AP’s youngest, he is a cool kid from my contact with him).

    • I get you. My DDay was just a little over a year ago and I can’t get them out of my mind either. What was so terrible about me or so special about her that it was worth breaking up our family over it? Intellectually we know that our spouses simply were not what we thought they were, but it is difficult to convince the heart. I struggle with the fact that STBX has chosen image over character, not just me versus her, but her whole social network versus the one we used to have. He has also chosen image over character for himself. It is shocking to discover that his values were so different from mine and I spackled over that for so many years that it surprised me when I got to the point where I couldn’t spackle anymore.

      In your case she chose “easy” over stability and sanity. Her loss. She’s an idiot.

      Others on here have reached meh, so we just have to have faith that we will get there as well.

    • I had a problem too, trying to stop focusing on my XH and his woman of the moment. For a long time I think I was jealous, believing that they were having a great time and here I was all alone. Those feelings did diminish over time and are not nearly as strong now. One thing that did help was instead of picturing them vividly, I would switch my thoughts and pretend I was watching a movie about someone else’s life. Then I would see it with a very different perspective. Then I would see how my X’s behaviour was really not the behaviour of anyone I would choose to be with ever and I would see the next woman and the next woman as people who were being duped. Making this a movie, removed my attachment to what was happening. I still choose to be NC with X and probably always will. But, I’m not triggered anymore. Hope this helps!

    • Perhaps you still love her, which is certainly not your fault. Maybe you’re always comparing because you’re hoping for the karma bus to hit them, very naturally. And when your Ex talks about her Brady Bunch, why should you believe her? Or why assume that she sees the situation clearly?

      Sounds to me like you are a really good guy who holds no grudges, or you haven’t been really truly angry yet. Have you let yourself get angry? Does it feel like no-one’s taking the betrayal and pain seriously? Is everybody being just too civilized? What’s happened is deeply, deeply hurtful and it’s dishonest for everyone around you not to recognize that. You have the perfect right to be hurt and to be comforted. I’m dealing with ‘being nice’ to my ex now, who says he wants to try again, and I’m having to define and defend my boundaries very strongly so I know I keep my self-respect and look objectively at the situation. I want to be generous, but ‘Do no harm and take no shit’.

      One thing, lovely to hear that your boy likes the other kids. It’s difficult for you maybe, but at least some positive relationships have come out of this. I hope the boys can help and support each other.

    • icantbelieve,

      Mental real estate occurs because you are not finished processing. As a therapist, I was trained that if someone continues to work on the same narrative it means that they still have work to do. It’s not going to last forever. Give yourself specific time process what your thoughts are, maybe at 5pm on a Thursday. Journal, process. Set aside this time regularly. Often if you give yourself time to process, then the mental realestate will decrease. The best.

    • Hey good to hear that your life is so much better without her.

      14 months isn’t very long.

      It’s hard because a super shitty thing happened to you!!!

      He is a loser, or worse. Part of your trouble might be preparing for what happens when that “marriage” implodes. You don’t want the x to be a victim of battering, bankruptcy, problems for your kiddos. Oh goodness. The breakup of your marriage / family was bad enough. Now add this on?

      I think the only thing you can do is make a plan. Here are some suggestions: 1) line up decent responsible people who can advise you for now, and in case of implosion (see above); 2) make sure your kiddos are doing okay in every way. This means having a daily routine, nutritious meals, served family style, exercise, homework, bedtime prayers, enough sleep, time with grandparents. 3) keep yourself calm so that you can do well at work 4) decide what you would do with x in case her stupid marriage implodes.

    • It’s not what they look like, it’s what the AP can DO for the cheater that matters.

      My ex carried on a long term affair, moved in immediately with her upon abandoning me, then married her just shy of 6 months after our divorce was final. Is she shiny and new, cute, young, vibrant? Nope. She’s 8 years older than his 64 years, 13 years older than me. She’s had one failed marriage already and a face like one of those apple-head dolls you see at farmers markets in the fall, but – and here’s the big reason – she has no family (no kids, siblings, nada), nothing at all to distract her from serving his wonderfulness! Her entire focus is him!! Imagine! No kids or grandkids to take attention away from worshipping him! She’s got a little bit of money – good thing because he didn’t do very well in the divorce settlement and he spent his 401k on his hobbies a few years ago, so he has no retirement money put away. She’ll wind up supporting him.

      It’s not about you. It’s not about who the AP/new spouse is or what they look like. It’s ALL about what value the asshole can extract from them.

    • Ok Im no shrink…but this is not about you. You cant get it out of your head because it is so fucked up for normal people. So here is the double jeapordy…this situation is so fucked that not many of your social circle can bend their mind round it. But you need to express it so you sound mad. So you end up clamping up. If you haven’t been through it you have no idea. So forget friend’s and aquaintences to get it””… not possible .get validation from these type websites. It is unfair but real life

      • This is so true. I’ve been going through this for 2.5 years. Its very difficult to process and move on especially when you have kids together and are still interacting on some level. I don’t have many people in my life who I can talk to because these situations are often so effed up. Most of my friends simply can’t follow what has happened or what I continue to go through. And why would they?? Fortunately they haven’t seen the underbelly of marriage. I found the best outlets were friends who had been through this hell or websites like this where people share eerily similar experiences that make you realize you’re not crazy. I’ve honestly lost contact with several old friends. Its just too hard to relate and I don’t have the energy to present this life is fine facade. I am struggling to raise 2 kids alone, dealing with his shenanigans still, dealing with all sorts of anxiety when kids are visiting him because of his behaviors, emotionally traumatized in some ways and scared for my financial future. Its not something many can understand so I just don’t share.

  • Wow, as an avid reader and promoter of your site, your insults about Oklahoma were not on my list of things I wanted to read today.

    • I agree. CL provides a helpful service and writes well but the comments about Oklahoma are horrid and beneath her.

  • My Ex married the OW – but she was just one of many. I really believe he thought he would be in high demand by young hot athletic pussy. (he actually did tell me this during one of those “tear down your spouse sessions on how awful it was to be married to me”) When i would inquire about her, he would minimize their relationship. I know he also trolled Match.com. But bless her soul, she persevered and they are now each others “love of their lives”. I know he wanted a house and insurance for the kids so she was of use to him. Do i think its a dream love match? no. Frankly its a little sad. But then again, they are all legitimate and sharing funds and don’t struggle like i do sooooooo…. I don’t really feel a karma resolution – if you know what I mean.
    I will say Oklahoma has some awesome State Parks. Beavers Bend? Gorgeous. But winstar? sad. The bathroom had needle disposal for the diabetics. And they take a cut of each and every hand.

    • Lol. I’m glad to know that the needle dispensers I saw in some crappy casinos in the middle of nowhere are for diabetics. I was really creeped out by them and assumed they were for the junkies and or prositutes using drugs in there!!!! Thanks for the insight.

  • I was dreading that day. I feel he will marry the AP as he has to do so to seal the deal and be who he really is while guaranteeing a continuing supply of sex money her house and pension plan. Even though I know all that I think it will be quite upsetting for me(after all I loved this man for most of my life and I am now 56). I know it is a form of karma but the face they show the world is of unified happiness. I hope I can get to meh before my divorce is final in the fall.

  • My ex married his AP last month. She moved the day after I moved out 5 years and they’ve been together ever sense. The had a wedding page I found online. This was his 3rd marriage, her 3nd and they planned a huge formal wedding and were registered for a ton of stuff. They had a section about how they met at Starbucks. While waiting in line their eyes met and it was twu luv!?. They failed to mention that they actually met on Craig’s Lust when ex answered her ad looking for a bi male. I’m thinking this will last forever as both have finally found what they deserve.

  • Ah, the karma of marrying the AP.
    It is tough to swallow in some cases: my ex’s AP is 12 yrs younger than me. Turns out, she was the same age I was when he cheated the first time (and gaslighted me into thinking I was crazy to think he was a cheater). I felt as if he simply hit the reset button and got to start over.

    But things are not all rosy over there. MOW got pregnant before our divorce was finalized. Ex planned to move her in, kids did not know she existed at that point. Funny, got pregnant 2-3 weeks later, but no, that wasn’t planned. So, less than six months post divorce, they have a nice weekend where they have both a baby shower, and a wedding. baby comes early, 5 weeks later.
    Turns out both times she was pregnant, the divorce paperwork for HER divorce had not yet been filed.

    Karma? My eldest, his favored child, is NC with him. My ex keeps taking me to court (wasting my money and his money) and keeps losing. My ex in on his 4th job in 4 years. They now have two kids, and the eldest was just diagnosed special needs. Still need 6-12 months to determine if #2 is special needs, as the younger one is less than 2 yrs old.

    If I was vengeful I would say some of the negative happenings were deserved since they were both still married.
    Instead, I take it as simple confirmation that ex thought the grass was greener, and that a new life reboot would be simple. Not so after all.

    • Oops, missed a phrase– she got pregnant, he planned to move her in, she miscarried, and then got pregnant a second time, only 2-3 weeks after the miscarriage.

  • I’m really struggling with that right now. I found out on Christmas day 2016 about the affair. In Feb I started the pick me dance and he seemed to play along but never quite fully commit. In April we went to a 3-day marriage intensive which I paid $2500 for. Two weeks after the marriage intensive he told me that after much heavy thinking he didn’t want to be married because he felt he like he didn’t want to be with anyone and needed to experience life on his own for awhile. (he moved in with me right from his mothers house when we were dating). Well two weeks ago I found out that he had actually started seeing DumpsterDebbie again in late March and only went to the marriage intensive “to make me happy.” This past weekend he told me that she really wants him to move in with her but he told her he has too think about it.
    The thought of DumpsterDebbie being around my 2 year son makes me physically ill. I reminded him of all the horrible things he had told me about her and he responded that we needed to stay out of each others private lives and that if he gets serious with her, I just have to accept it…. If he was physically in front of me and not on the phone. I would’ve physically assaulted the asshat.

    I filed for divorce on Friday and he told me this on Saturday.

    I WANT so much to be done with my asshole husband and DumpsterDebbie but I’m having such a hard time letting it all go. How do you do that after 11 years….? How is it so easy for him to tell me he loves me, sleep with me all the while having the TrashMaster on the side? Cake…I know…

    Leaving him is my only option but going through this shit storm suuuuuuucks.

    • Indeed it sucks, but there is nothing worth saving there, please hang on and leave him, things wil get better, you will see, there is sunshine on the other side!

    • How is it so easy for them? They are disordered.

      You can’t blame yourself. It is like buying a car. You do all the reasearch and buy a Honda that gets great reviews. 500,000 other people buy the same year make and model car. Yours starts to have mechanical difficulties, you are in for service all the time and they just can’t get it right. 499,805 of those cars have no problem but you got a lemon. There are lemon laws to protect car buyers. Marriages are another story.

    • You are so early in the process. You are deep in the forest and can’t see your way out right now. Let CL and CN be your forest rangers. It’s so hard to believe your spouse would throw away a loving home life and child for a piece of side trash. There must be something wrong with him! I can fix this!! He just needs to see this for what it is!!

      I’m living Dday #2 because mine decided to come back after side piece trash #1 wasn’t better. But just remember there’s always more trash out there and he likes to pick it up. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Always on the look out and playing marriage detective? I lived this way for over 10 years. Always getting that twinge in my gut. Always wondering if he’s screwing around.

      Step away from the hopium pipe. Realize your worth and your child’s worth. Put ALL the trash to the curb.

      • Thank you all so much. I DON’T want to live in doubt or in the fog of hopium anymore. I’d rather be alone.

  • Oh, good Lord, I wish cheater boy would get on with things and marry his slut. Instead, he has her fine tooth combing our finances so that he can charge me with dissipation. I kid you not. Sigh. I can’t imagine how she thinks that this approach to ending a 29 year marriage bodes at all well for her, but there it is. Schmoopie is her soulmate; ergo, he is always right. And she is horrified of me. Because I did that whole loyal wife thing, I guess, though possibly also because she knows I refer to her as “the slut.” I ain’t sorry. Accuracy is just my particular gift. ?

  • As much as it would hurt me to see my ex marry the OW or want her around my child, they definitely deserve each other. My ex cheated on me and left me during cancer treatment. The 12 years younger OW knew he had a 7 year old child, a wife with cancer and encouraged him to live a life with less responsibility. Work hard, play hard is her motto.

    That was 6 months ago. Now the OW apparently has a boyfriend, but still meets up with my STBX. So my 42 year old ex gave up a great kid, a wife who did practically everything for him (even during cancer), a house (he lives with his mom now)…all to BE the AP and to also have the ability to go to every single work related happy hour (plus extra) and party EOW without anyone judging him. Both of them are horrible examples of human beings.

  • I found that disengaging from social media really helped deal with all of this stuff…who my cheater is with, who he isn’t, not my business, and the more I know the more I’m hurt. Luckily I have not had to share kids, etc with an AP new wife, I really feel for those who do, I can’t even imagine. But my suggestion would be the same; go out there and live your own fabulous life and don’t look into theirs more than is necessary. Even though social media has ALWAYS helped me to catch the cheaters (multiple) in my life, I also recognize its very destructive powers of comparison.

    • ^^^Agreed. I unfollowed my ex and when he doesn’t have our daughter, I block him on my phone–otherwise he texts me random things about his life to suck me back in.

  • I kinda resent all the bashing of my home state of Oklahoma but you make a great point otherwise. I’m a Chump and if my soon to be ex marries his schmoopie then thats Karma at its highest. Meh and good luck to them both.
    Thanks ChumpLady for all you say and do.

  • In March, I was in a casino. I don’t think they were allowed to smoke, but there was a haze in the room that smelled like old socks.

    There people sat, feeding those machines like zombies with their money. The irony of this- none of these people looked even prosperous. They looked like they had scraped together change to buy a bus ticket up the mountain to the casino.

    This was a tiny post card perfect town at 11,000 feet. The air was crisp, invigorating at 55 degrees with a cerulean blue sky. Not in there. Dank and dark but flashes of artificial light and the constant beeps of the machines.

    We sat down and my friend fed a slot machine $20. He pushed a button and it was gone. I said, What happened? He said, That was it. We lost. In a second.

    Hundreds of people literally lighting their money on fire. I could not fathom it, but it was the sunk costs fallacy in real time. No one looked happy. They looked dazed but panicked.

    Once you have chucked the mortgage money into the bowels of a anonymous corporation and gotten nothing back, you keep playing in the hope you get some return.

    This metaphor is a great comfort to me- because I have spent inordinate amounts of time wondering WHY the X stays with the Beast Affair Partner. In his rotten little mind, there is no other option.

    He threw everything away, and he will sit on that sticky chair and keep pulling that lever, driven by ego and the desire to prove he made the right decision.

    I left that Casino within minutes, rushing to the door- toward the fresh, clean air and the light.

    • Perfect description, TINAT!!! And actually ever getting your money back or winninh huge, is hoping for a unicorn.

    • “This metaphor is a great comfort to me- because I have spent inordinate amounts of time wondering WHY the X stays with the Beast Affair Partner. In his rotten little mind, there is no other option.

      He threw everything away, and he will sit on that sticky chair and keep pulling that lever, driven by ego and the desire to prove he made the right decision.”

      This is spot-on.

      I was talking to a girlfriend about this subject once and said that I couldn’t understand why he stayed with her, seeing as she was as thick as a brick, as well as being a cheater.
      She said “Well he doesn’t have any option does he? He’s got to prove to everyone including himself that the woman he bust his marriage up for is really special”.

      I don’t have a Fakebook account but my friend does and so does Skanky-pants. So we had a look at Skanky’s pages.
      I was surprised when I saw my ex. He’d put on weight, lost his hair and looks fat and podgy.
      He looked miserable on the holiday snaps, only managing to smile faintly when he had a drink in his hand. Most of the time he had the sort of expression you have when you’ve just put your finger through the toilet paper.

      She’s grinning like a dumb ass and clinging onto him. Barf !

      I sincerely hope he treats her as well as he treated me (sarcasm)

  • I’m going through this now. Only married 1.5 years and he will be married again 5 months after one can officially get married after divorce. Looks like the asslady moved right in after I left. I’m annoyed because I feel like its just to save his face/ for his work image. He works with the person so I feel like now he can weave a story that he fell in love with her and what could he do? Except he admitted to cheating for 8 years with me and on everyone he’s ever been with- with a bunch of ladies. I know he’ll do the same to her but its still bullshit.

  • The last time I was in a casino was about ten years ago, at least. They didn’t have them in my state at that time and I was visiting family in a state that had them. We were very near one so we decided to stop. But no one wanted to use their money to get tokens so we walked around about ten minutes and left. I’m sure the owners loved that.

  • Guess I’ll say this about that. I have a calendar reminder to check FB and make sure exasshole is still living with his girlfriend/formerly the OW. That’s because as long as she keeps him he’s less likely to put his sights on me again. I just renewed my protective order, was harder to get this time around. I prefer his girlfriend deal with him.

    All that soul mate shit she wrote was BS, I know, I saw the exassholes journal. He didn’t want to live with her, he wanted to stay with me and fuck around with her. So simple if you are a total asshole with no ethics or empathy. I know for a fact he signed up with Ashley Madison one month after he moved in with her and hooked up shortly thereafter. He also attacked his girlfriend much as he did me about 3 months after he moved in with her. She got a protective order, even cited MINE to get it, but, once again he didn’t get arrested even though she had a witness. Good ole boys, he’s good at that. And of course, she took him back and rescinded her protective order. They still live together, I’ve no idea how that’s working. I don’t care. I’m just glad he’s not at my house. Lastly, he didn’t trade down hooking up with her, he didn’t mean to trade. He expected to keep using the gold and also use the lump a coal. He choose the wrong person to try that with, now he’s stuck with a lump & so is she.

  • My soon-to-be-ex got engaged just tonight. He left in April 2016–walked out the night before my kids big exams because it was his girlfriend’s birthday. I found out through social media she was pregnant by Oct. He never filed for divorce–I did in April. Tonight she had their baby (her second out of wedlock child) and he proposed with a big ring and a video that all his life he has been waiting for someone like her. He was with me for 17 years. I am not at MEH, but I hope to be. My kids don’t know about the baby and they have never met this woman. Nice right?

    • You are not alone Played. They will be miserable and you will reach not only MEH but happy. Jedi Hugs!

      • Thank you. I hope so. I have never felt worse for me and for my children. She is 22 years younger than me. I feel completely wiped out….I am nothing. I loved my family so much and thought I was married to a good man. He is a physician and always worked crazy hours. I dealt because I had to. Turns out he was living a double life and I never saw it.

        • You sound very like me, lovely. Sweetheart, trust Chump Nation – it will get better. You will get yourself back. It’s so, so hard to separate yourself from the Married Me and regain the Mighty Me, but it’ll come. Played, you are everything and you ARE enough! The OW in my case was 25, half my age, and I had a mental and nearly a physical breakdown trying to cope with the collapse of my self-esteem. Sometimes we absorb the sparkly dream princess crap and compare ourselves, as the cheaters do, to the OW – she even told my ex she thought I was some sort of ogre, and guess what, I believed that – for a while. I believed I was an ugly, old, dull, boring woman. It was only when I was out of the fog and saw what damage he’d done to myself, our kids, our family on both sides, our mutual friends, that I realised his selfishness, her incredible naivete, the stunning lack of self-knowledge and sheer common sense. You can’t trust the opinions and actions of people like that, can you? You trusted your husband and so did I – you know what, that’s not a weakness, that’s a sign of someone with courage and hope who will do very well in the future. Both our worldviews have changed, Played, but it is ALWAYS better to face the world with eyes wide open.
          Love you, hugs aplenty to you today X

          • Oh, and the best thing I did to get out of the fog was to make friends of some of my female aquaintances, the ones I always felt I could like. The kindness of women is astounding, I found the exact same thing had happened to many of them, and through their eyes I know that I’m a suprising, interesting, lovable person. Don’t listen to yourself and to your ex and the ap, you’d be amazed at how the rest of the world sees you. XXX

        • Yep played, mine has MD behind his name too. My attorney said that’s the only attractive thing about my ex for his young schmoopie!! She’s trying to rope him in with a baby. Looks like it’s working for her right now with that big ring and proposal.

          But here’s the thing. What does that ring, proposal, and baby really mean to a cheater? He had it with you and threw it all away. She’s no better. She’s a doormat. I mean whoremat.

          You are not less than, you are more than. Please remember that as your kids need you, the sane parent. Just because he’s educated means nothing. Hold your head high. He’s a fool.

          • I am highly educated too. I make less money, but I have a PhD and he always said that what he loved about me is that we were equals. Turns out he hit 45 and would rather be adored. I did gain weight and was so busy with taking care of our kids and work that a lot of things slid, but we were on the brink of things getting easier and never said or did anything. Every single household function and thing related to the children was my job AND I made sure he had time for his hobbies (because his job was so stressful), maintained relationships with his family, and managed some real estate I inherited….it was so much. He left and the actual logistics of my life did not actually get harder, which really says something. His new finance was a teen mom, posts on Facebook like a middle schooler, dresses like a slut, and has posted that she is “moving up.” She and her families are all tattooed, raise pit pills, and have crosses all over the place. I could not make it up. Anyway, none of this is new when I read this garbage over and over, but I did not expect it and I just feel like my whole life did not matter. If he would choose her over me and my amazing children he must see us as used tissues. He barely sees the kids. DD is so angry and won’t go with him, so he barely tries. He sees our son usually once a week for a few hours for video games or to teach him boxing. He has never asked for an overnight or holiday, never gone to a school event, never asked for a report card or anything. Yet is is so happy–new baby, new engagement, very young people who seem to adore him, and lots of sex.
            Anyway, the kindness here is more meaningful than you can know. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and for making me feel like more than a discard. I have a good job, the apartment is mine, my kids are loved beyond belief, I have amazing friends, and I am so grateful I am not going through any of this alone.
            BTW, this AP supports Trump (apologies to others who do) and she posted that she was sick of all the “fat feminists” who marched against Trump because she is sure they just wish Trump would grab their pussies. STBX is a Democrat. Freaking nuts.

            • It is so hard to make sense of it, I know. I still try to untangle that skein myself. But you can’t. It does say something that not much changed in your life/workload when he left. It’s because he has probably always been a man-child. You did all the heavy lifting and supported him so he could be successful in his career and have fun with his hobby.

              I did it too. I made my needs small and my world revolved around my ex. I even drifted away from my family and friends because he was so damn high maintenance and would pout for family dinners.

              My kiddos were initially devastated but have really matured through this shit storm. They see him for what he is. He’s circling back around and his young schmoopie is on again, off again. Our lives are actually easier without him in it. I didn’t see that at first. It does take time and distance (and no contact) to get there.

              I say mine has been on a ‘ho high’. He’s on cloud nine while he’s banging this young chic. But I can’t imagine what his life will be like. What in the hell is your husband thinking? Can you imagine living with an immature young girl with a newborn and small kid to raise at his age? Do you think she’s going to provide the homelife you did for this asshat?

              Just give it time and the karma bus will come around for both of them. But by then you won’t care, you’ll be in the land of ‘meh’.

              • I pray for “meh.” It is very interesting that your MD was like this too. I do not mean to offend the many wonderful physicians who do have integrity, but there is something in that field that creates a profound sense of entitlement.
                I know I should not care, but my STBX is happy and will probably love this new life. I think his “fiancee” is thrilled to have bagged a doctor and she will probably do a jib to be able to tromp around with her 3ct ring and new car. He finally feels like a big man. I was never into show. Drove old cars, no jewelry, etc. I spent on vacations, experiences, and saved a lot to catch up with retirement and college savings since MDs and PhD start their careers late. Looks like she is the beneficiary. Makes me sick, but most of all I am sick because I really loved the man. He was a good man when we married and I had many good times with him. Things were increasingly hectic as the kids got older and my work hours increased, but I thought it was all fixable. He just bagged, not just on me, but on the family and his behavior is so selfish, shallow, and vile I am left wondering if I imagined I was happy or if I was just tricked for a really long time. I feel like it is possible that my whole adult life was a lie. Thank God I have 2 wonderful children and his ultimately loss is that he doesn’t even know them as I do. We are real family to each other in a way he will never really know. It is just sad all around.

                MJB: I am so sorry you have gone through this and am glad that your children are OK. Mine are not yet, but I hope they will get it together. When STBX left he said we had spoiled and coddled them and this would help them to mature. This from a man whose mother completed his medical school application. Sick stuff. But thank you for sharing and for offering your support. I am surprised by how low I have been for so long even with therapy and ADs. Sigh.

      • He is self employed. Barf. I should add that I was with him when he made very little. He makes a lot now–has for just a few years and things were finally getting easier. Good times.

  • Thank you for this article. Yesterday we sold our “marital home” and while it was a bit painful I really feel and see the freedom it gives me. I get a clean slate and he gets to be stuck with a terrible relationship.

  • I feel my ex wife did everything you just listed above. I played the pick me dance, believed all her bs about the single doctor I had found out about in the last month truly was just a friend. She said she was moving out to get space, i thought she was staying with a friend but really she had gotten an apartment with the help of her parents (lied to them about what was going on with us). When I found out about the apartment I asked her if she wanted me to file and be the bad guy. She said she still had faith in our marriage, just needed to figure things out. I then found out she had spent the night at the doctors house and I filed. Never really saw or heard from her again.

    A few months after we separated I heard they went to St. Thomas together and she posted pics of them on social media. She had lied to everyone and said I was controlling and manipulative as being the reason we got divorced. I think she just couldn’t wait to show everyone how happy she was and to show off her new guy and had a lapse in judgement. Because you know, taking pics of yourself on vacation with another guy a few months after posting pics of you and your then husband with family during Christmas pretty much screams affair.

    A little while later I wanted a recipe I liked and couldn’t find it so went to her Pinterest page. There I saw that she was adding pictures of wedding rings and ideas to her boards that still had ideas from our own wedding just 2 years earlier. They’re still together a year and a half later. I’ve heard from her old coworkers that the doctor was sleeping with other nurses behind her back. Who knows if it’s true or not, not my problem. I just hope they stay together so she doesn’t dupe some poor bastard like she did me.

  • “If I owned Texas and all Hell, I’d live in Hell and rent out Texas” attributed to Mark Twain.

    Just thought I’d throw that one in….

    • I guess there has to be some state where there’s a Bed Bath and Beyond every 6 miles, plus enough concrete to go to Jupiter and back.

  • The Sprout left me and my 2 children, now 12 and 14 years Dec 16, after more than 20 years together but never married, and got married to OW end of April (less than 6 months). He claims to have met her just after he told me he was leaving and he is disordered enough for this to be true but also dishonest enough for it also not to be. We never got married, in part because I wasn’t that bothered initially, but we did talk about it after our oldest daughter was born. Sort of made an announcement to close family, who kind of celebrated, I supplied my own (beautiful) family engagement ring (let him off having to buy anything – saved me a shitty one). He then decided to “propose” whilst on holiday in Iceland – sounds romantic and could have been during 95% of the holiday without any effort at all, except he picked a time when my daughter was sitting with nit treatment on her hair as I was clearing up to say “should we get married then”. It felt like an insult – and, I now realize, it was supposed to – a double score, got to insult me but still be able to claim he was doing the right thing (and also that I wasn’t likely to say yes to this). It sort of fell flat and never went any further. Also I made excuses for him (a bit of a theme!) that he didn’t like big parties etc – true, he was pretty antisocial.
    Anyway, his actual wedding end of April was apparently quite a lavish affair. He will have paid for it all, flew his parents and their best friends half way around the world for it. Haven’t seen her rings but his is a very flashy rose gold band.
    My poor older daughter spent the 3 weeks’ notice she had worrying about whether to go or not – she didn’t want to but was scared of telling him. In the end she got her psychologist to read a statement to him over the phone telling him 2 days beforehand (he will not take anything from me). My younger daughter wouldn’t go without her sister. The whole thing, of course, grossly inappropriate to expect them to accommodate.
    He was never in the slightest bit religious but she apparently is (nauseating photos of her doing missionary work with kids the one time I looked her up on FB – nauseating given the fact that she has been quite willing to completely prioritize her own emotional needs over my, less impressive for her image management, children). She doesn’t understand why they don’t like her and he is just pretending that everything is happy families – even though elder daughter was suicidal at the prospect of having to spend time with them all (and still having these thoughts at times) and has severely limited contact, and younger daughter developed chest pains and nightmares of people dying the 1 week I left them with him recently so I could go on a (long-arranged) holiday.
    Am I sad that I didn’t marry this empathyless, grossly entitled psychopath? Definitely not. Do I wish that he had simply been a literal sperm donor for my kids and they had never had to know him as a “father”. Absolutely.
    I honestly do find it hard to understand. He has had years of psychotherapy (psychoanalytical which very interestingly apparently makes abusers worse – may make them feel better, but just gives them license to justify their shiftiness more) and psychotherapy training (as have I). I guess it is about lack of insight into himself and such a sense of specialness that the normal rules just don’t apply to him. He is a clusterfuck of Cluster B personality disorders. I held and covered for him for 20 years and he has now been let loose.
    I guess without having to care for 2 special needs kids (I have always done this, not him, he pretty well never came to any appointments) in addition to working a professional job (she doesn’t work) or support him (and myself) through several sets of professional exams each as well as moving half way around the world life will feel easier. She has also not had to endure years of infidelity, lies and disloyalty – I was so unforgiving, don’t you know.
    He has definitely traded down – intellectually and culturally, and I think I can pretty fairly say she is no more attractive than me physically (at best).
    He had no friends (literally) of his own here and she seems to be very sociable (our nanny who has met her a number of times has called her a social butterfly and her sarcastic nickname for her is “Mother Theresa” – obviously neither of them know this!). He would have been very alone if he didn’t have her – had to make sure she was good and caught, I guess. I think there is also an element of having to legitimize his decision and, given his other acts of cruelty, it is hard not to see it at least in part as another act of aggression towards me (he friended everyone at our mutual work – grossly inappropriate in itself, given what it is, and then posted photos of the wedding all over it. Of course made him look like a crass cunt but he would have thought it made him look marvelous).
    As you can see, I am not very “meh” about this, although my levels of anger are lessening and it doesn’t help I have been left to clear up selling our large property, rehome horses etc whilst he is off getting married, holidaying (hadn’t been with us for over 3 years) etc. These practilities are starting to come to an end though and I’m hoping for nearer to “meh” in the near future, particularly after mediation which will hopefully come soon.
    This may be a re-run of an old article but it is very relevant to me right now!

    • Something I remember clearly and now understand, from the very start of my relationship with ex – he said ‘And I get to meet all your cool friends!’ (They weren’t particularly cool… but they were my friends ) He did and does find it very hard to make friends, and my social set was something he wanted to buy into. Part of the syndrome, I suppose.

  • As I lifelong Okie, I’d rather not come here looking for some inspiration or consolation, only to be ridiculed so you can make a wan attempt at some tenuous and vague filler post.

    I don’t like or patronize casinos, either. I wish we didn’t have them. I do take some consolation in the fact that Oklahoma still has farms, ranches, small towns, and open spaces, vs the never-ending six lane strip mall suburb that is Texas.

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