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Dear Chump Lady, He brought his girlfriend and I lost my meh

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Dear Chump Lady,

I’ve done a ton of work on myself, I’m slowly reaching meh, and I’m practising no contact as much as is possible when doing shared care/parenting with a disordered cheater fucktoid.

But then I find myself in a situation like today —  youngest child’s school concert and cheater fucktoid rocks up with 20+ years younger than me “partner.” (They met online, she lives halfway around the world and they’ve seen each other physically for the second time in twelve months) and youngest child spends the entire time he performs making eye contact with them and I may as well not exist. I then react by approaching fucktoid, telling him it’s disgusting for him to bring “girlfriend” to concert and generally make an arse of myself.

I thought I was doing so well. That I’d reached a place of peace and couldn’t care less what he did. but clearly, I was and am affected. How do I move on?

Help!

Specialist in Hope

Dear Hope,

Nothing will make you lose your meh quicker than co-parenting with a fuckwit. It is the 18-year-long shit sandwich. You hope to God you get one of those conscious uncouplings, where everyone abides by court orders, pays support, and close encounters are like friendly hostage drop-offs, but NO. You got a fuckwit. I’m sorry.

My husband calls these sorts of unwelcome people situations “the turd in the punchbowl.” I hope the visual helps you. It sums up the revulsion and incongruity of having awfulness in what should be a celebratory occasion. Oh God, Turd brought his teenage girlfriend to a children’s concert. Imagine him floating in a sea of sherbet and 7-up.

Co-parenting with a fuckwit means you’re going to probably have a lot of turd-in-the-punchbowl moments. So steel yourself. You got broadsided this time, but after awhile with more exposure, you get a kind of turd aversion therapy thing going. Oh, it’s you again. Whatever.

You’re not there yet. It’s okay. We ALL lose our cool sometimes. You know what the right thing to do here is — suck it up and endure. Reject drama. Reject him. And fake your meh, even if you have to chew through a leather strap.

It takes an enormous amount of strength to do this. If it makes you feel any better, I still struggle and I’m past the 18 year mark. My son’s fuckwit father showed up at his college move-in day after ignoring him for YEARS, rejecting visits, running up thousands in unpaid back child support, dropping kid from his court-ordered health insurance, and generally being an all around negligent, horrible person. Fuckwit wants the parenting victory lap with none of the work.

Here’s what I wanted to do at that parent convocation —  scream at the top of my lungs THIS MAN IS A FRAUD! THE DEADBEAT ASSHOLE HASN’T SEEN HIS KID IN YEARS! HAS NOT PAID ONE DIME OF HIS TUITION AND OWES ME CHILD SUPPORT! BUT HE WOULD LIKE YOU ALL TO BELIEVE HE IS ONE OF YOU LOVING, SUPPORTIVE PARENTS HERE TODAY. SPIT ON HIM! REVILE HIM! SHAME HIM!

No. Instead I turned around and drove home. And let him sit in that hot, sweaty tent to listen to canned speeches without my presence.

Was it fair? Hell no. I took two days off work, packed all my son’s stuff, loaded it, unloaded it, folded his socks, made his bed… oh right, and generally raised him by myself for 19 years. But whatever. I wasn’t drinking turd punch that day.

My point is, I fucked up many times on the imperfect path to meh. You will too.

How do I move on?

You forgive yourself. You’re making the best of a horrible situation. Be kind to yourself.

Who knows the motivations of turds in punchbowls? Maybe your ex wanted to get a rise from you. Maybe he’s just narcissistically oblivious and your melt down was an added kibble high for him. Maybe Schmoopie really enjoys the warbling of small children at school assemblies? (Doubtful.)

My guess is your ex misses the pick me dance. There’s poor Schmoopie, having to do impression management, sitting on a metal folding chair for hours, so she can prove to her long-distantant fuckbuddy that she’s worthy. There’s you, recently traumatized by betrayal, having to put up with them both. There’s your son, probably reeling from a divorce, desperate for any attention from his father, even if comes with a side of teenage Schmoopie. There’s you again feeling the injustice of the imbalance.

And there is Sir Turd reveling in his centrality.

Well, fuck him, Hope. Next time, don’t react. Let that cup of shit punch pass you by.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • You still have your accumulated meh. Nothing takes that from you. You’re halfway up the mountain, slipped on a stone, felt some regression, but you’re still HALFWAY UP THE MOUNTAIN. Give yourself credit & a hug.

  • There is also the variation of the “turd in the punch bowl”. My narc father that won’t go away is also known as “the turd that won’t flush”.

  • Hope,

    He’s with someone who lives halfway round the world, see’s her 2 times a year, and he takes her to a school concert! I have two kids who I love with all my heart but sitting in a concert hall whilst most of them sing out of tune, its usually hot, cramped and goes on for far too long etc…as lovely as it is, and of course I encourage my kids and smile whilst they perform it really isn’t my idea of fun, but do it out of duty.

    So as for taking a new partner to endure one of these shows! I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Who knows what the dynamic is here with your turd of an ex and his shit of a GF? CL probably has it worked out in her last paragraph. He probably enjoyed the centrality and triangulation of having you and his new girlfriend there, we all lose it every now and then…recognising you slipped up is the important lesson to learn from this, forget about it, move on and keep being the same parent.

    Mickey

    • not probably, it is EXACTLY why the turd brought a young woman there!
      There can be fun in that too. A good way to loose your meh would be to go and tell him “How thoughtful of you! You brought a professional to initiate our son in the art of sex!” Out loud, so everyone around him could hear and applaud him!

      Where she lives, how long they see each other…could be all fabricated. Who cares? 2 losers with nothing better to do!

    • Yeah he’s all class, bringing Lolita to watch a primary school concert. Lucky lucky her.

  • I have yet to see STBXH and ho-worker and he has not dared to introduce her to our kids 19-24.
    But I have had that same sense of regression from meh – when I hear kids reference him….
    For example, we were just at a big party and started talking about fancy cakes – my daughter added that her dad had just been to a one-year-olds’s birthday party (ho-worker is just turning 30 so friends all having babies) where there was a “smash cake” which apparently is a cake the baby crushes for photos – the real cake being for eating.
    It set me back to hear about him – and think about him getting married and having a baby (at 57) – and i was somewhat offended that my daughter seemed so comfortable mentioning him in my presence
    Then I realized -I WANTED TO HAVE A FANTASTIC Day – celebrating my nieces graduation with all the people I love.
    So….I let it slide but the whole thing came close to ruining what was a perfect day.
    Meh is hard – but you are mighty ! Don’t drink the turd punch

      • TC, yep..grandpadaddy just turned 54, new addition by his true love who is 24! Yikes. She younger than our daughter and year older than our son.
        I know it must feel so grand to be asked “oh is that your granddaughter and daughter.”
        And of course they came together because I divorced Peter Pan 5 months after discivery!
        Cheers to retirement!!!?

        • 14 years ago my stbx complained every weekend at the store that he couldn’t wait until we no longer had to buy diapers, formula and wipes.

          The 48 y.o. man child now has a baby with his 24 y.o. coworker. Now she can hear him whine every weekend.

          My stbx left us and moved in with coworker. At the time she was 22. Within a couple months she was taking our daughter shopping and manicures. In another couple months the man-child brought his coworker to our daughter’s recital at middle school. The next two recitals they came and sat several rows behind me. The last recital about a month ago they came and coworker was 9 month pregnant.

          My daughter’s friend’s parents just looked with amazement and disbelief.

          They have no shame. Man-child struts around like he is so proud of himself. I just think of how his son will have the same lack of values passed on to him. No respect for women. Be selfish and care for no one buy yourself. My stbx’s dad was the same way. Stayed out late and cheated on his wives. His dad left man-child’s step-mom to go live with a high school girl, aborted pregnancy, and then return to his wife. Man-child was so disgusted that his step-mom took him back, but then man-child does the same thing – except they had their child.

          My heart goes out to everyone who has to deal with these heartless subhumans. Especially the kids that get caught in the middle and have poor examples for parents.

          Divorcing them is a nightmare. My stbx tells me how I wouldn’t have my house or car without him. (I’ve worked our whole marriage and we started out with nothing buy garage sale couch and bed). Well, I wouldn’t have a broken marriage and messy divorce, and distraught teenager without him, either.

          • Finding peace,
            I am so sorry for all you have been through.
            YOU are the present, sane, loving parent?
            (((((Giant hugs to you)))))

    • Hey TiredChump — Here is what I am doing these days, because try as I may, I can’t determine when I’ll get triggered. I’m keeping a small Triggered Notebook. I can quickly jot down the offense, promise myself to get back to it, and get back to my current reality. Then, keep my promise to myself: go back to my notebook, read what I wrote, and make a plan to deal with whatever triggered me.

    • TiredChump, your kids are young adults. They understand boundaries.
      Just let them know that mentioning your X is bothering you. Protect yourself.

      My son is 3 and staying with his dad for a month. I cannot put these kind of boundaries with him. I need whatever information he gives me about his stay there. I need to allow him to communicate with me, whatever he feels like.

  • Specialist — make no mistake, your ex created this situation on purpose solely for the drama, and to have others give him the attention he craves.

    Shmoopie did the dutiful thing and agreed to it — or maybe she relishes the drama too — but there’s no way she came halfway around the world to listen to the child of her stand-in daddy, whom she barely knows, and his/her classmates torture Mozart or Cole Porter, knowing you’d be there as well. (No insult intended, I’m sure your child is talented.)

    Just wondering — was there hand-holding? Arm around the shoulder? Maybe a grope or two? I wouldn’t be at all surprised — it’s exactly what KK and RPD did in front of my girls at my storytelling finals (cheaterssuck and a few other chumps were witnesses).

    CL is right — it takes incredible strength and resolve to not react to such overt manipulation. And each of us has it. Forgive yourself, reset the “days without accident” clock, and forge ahead.

    • Yeah, seeing that was a treat. <——-insert sarcasm font here. KK is the quintessential turd in the bowl but UX was unflappable.

      Hope-you will be too. Repeated exposure will give you immunity to the fuckwit patrol. Don't beat yourself up over what would be difficult for any of us and trust that he sucks. You've got this!

      • NMM — I’ve posted about it several times in the forums. It’s akin to a poetry slam, but instead everyone participating tells a story on a common theme. I started doing it shortly after d-day and have found I enjoy it very much. I won the “Audience Choice” award in the local finals competition I referenced above.

        Craziest incident was posted as a guest blog here last fall — I told about my confrontation with KK and her then-affair partner The Carrot Singer, with the Rider of the Purple Dildo sitting in the crowd with his wife. https://www.chumplady.com/2016/10/the-stranger/

        • Wow. Just WOW

          Thank you – had missed that one and it gave me shivers. The details differed from my own experience, but the feelings of exploded hollowness felt just the same

          Thank you

  • I’ve told this story here before, but it’s worth repeating today.
    My daughter had her senior night with marching band a couple years ago. It’s where the graduating seniors are recognized on the field with their families for their accomplishments.
    My daughter was not in a good place with her dad because 10 months earlier he walked out on the family, took up with schmoopie, and then lied to my daughters face when he was asked by her if he had been seeing somebody before he asked for a divorce, for how long, and if that was his reason for leaving because he seemed pretty happy until he wasn’t.
    He was told he could attend the game, but not walk her on the field, it was made very clear that schmoopie was not welcome.
    He didn’t like being disregarded as her father in this milestone event, showed up…..with her. He introduced her to everyone.
    Took what should of been a proud life event for our daughter and shit on it.
    My daughter stopped talking to him THAT DAY. It’s been two years since she’s said a word to her dad. I on the other hand lost my shit on him the next day and had a Chernobyl quality meltdown that I regret to this day. Here’s your bowl of kibble, dickhead.
    If he had just shown up alone, kept it classy, told her he was proud of her, I wonder if he would be in a different place with her right now.
    Then I remember that he is his own worst enemy and if he had managed senior night he would of fucked up something else where he wasn’t being celebrated.
    I love the turd in the punchbowl analogy, but it’s almost like a turd in a lazy river……they just float and float and it’s never ending till you choose to get out.

    • Yes, meh seems remarkably easy for my kids. Really hard for me.

      He brought the homewrecker to daughter’s high school performance even though she has never even met our kids. I was stressed all night and felt great anxiety but didn’t say anything. The focus of that night should be on performing daughter, right? So difficult!

      Both our kids responded by choosing to completely ignore him at this event. They did not even look his way or acknowledge his presence. Then, at their next visitation, they explained to him that she does not belong at family events and he should not bring her if he wants to attend. They set that boundary hard and fast – and with no judgement really.

        • Right??? They are mighty.

          I love it when the kids turn down the turd punch as well. I love that I have raised kids that are able to set boundaries and just walk when it’s toxic…..even if it’s their dad.
          If my kids want a relationship with him ever, that’s their decision, I support them in whatever they decide.
          In the mean time, I get to enjoy my two amazing kids going to college, starting careers and families, getting to know them as adults.
          He’s lost the chance to have that, for a piece of ass.
          Now his hot affair partner has him paying all her bills and driving her kids in carpool.
          Whatever…

      • I really wish my kids were that strong.

        My 20 year old visits his dad, rarely. He did go off on his dad shortly after the separation when he found out about Ho. It was bad and it made me feel good that he was supporting his mom.

        Ho Dad now lives with the Ho and they were recently engaged – after being divorced for only 4 months. They waited until the divorce was final to move in together but sleepovers still occurred before the divorce while my 12 year old daughter was at her Dad’s house for HER visitation. No boundaries! No morals! No values! Yet both of them are FB Christians – FAKE!

        Only 4 months after the separation, Ho Dad brought Ho to my daughter’s sporting events. My daughter plays 3 sports, year around, and that shit sandwich was delivered to me early on and I have had to see them a couple of times a week, sometimes, for almost 2 years now. I want No Contact really bad!!!

        For almost 2 years now, I’ve had to watch my daughter engage with the Ho and she has welcomed her with open arms, which hurts me, a lot. Ho has no boundaries, nor does Ho Dad for that matter, and does things with my daughter that, in my opinion, is not her place (pedicures, manicures, clothes shopping, and the list goes on and on and on.). She posts my daughter on FB all the time and in my opinion acts like she is hers. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it, according to the law. This pisses me off!

        Ho has a 7 year old son, which she seems to pay no attention to when I see them. She pours all of her attention to my daughter.

        Yes, I’ve lost my shit several (hundred) times but it rarely happens now.

        I don’t want him back, at all. Ho did me a favor (did I mention she use to be a friend of mine?). This was the 3rd Ho (I’m sure there were others that I don’t know about). The first one occurred 6 months after we were married. I wish I had CL back then so maybe I wouldn’t have had to spend 23 years in this sham of a marriage but I tried really hard to do the “right” thing, according to my then Pastor.

        The bottom line is, I have a really hard time when it comes to my kids and Ho’s no boundaries. And of course, Ho Dad don’t see any boundary issues – asshole!

        Ho Dad is narcissistic and now Ho has become an extension of him.

        How am I suppose to instill morals and values into my daughter (and my son) when her Ho Dad is doing just the opposite? This really pisses me off, often, but I don’t say anything, for the most part because there’s nothing I can do about it, according to the law. They both know that I don’t want Ho posting my kids’ pics on her FB page – dumb bitch!

        Ho Dad knows I hate him. Ho knows I hate her. My kids know I hate them both – but they know it’s because Ho Dad and Ho did my kids wrong!!! I know I should be cordial for the sake of my kids but I just cannot bring myself to do that. When will I get to that point? Will I ever get to that point?

        Ho Dad was a Police Sgt until the sexual harassment complaints came barreling in shortly after the separation. He almost lost his job and is now working the beat again like a rookie cop with shift work. He had prostate cancer – I’m leaving this one alone! Karma has been strong!

        He has done EVERYTHING wrong yet my daughter won’t stand up to him. (She is a peace-keeper and don’t like any conflict.) My son went months without speaking to him.
        When will my daughter figure all this out? Will she ever? Will she ever figure out that Ho is paying her more attention that her own son, Ho Dad & Ho are taking her everywhere they can, buying her everything she wants, and basically letting her do whatever she wants to do? Will my daughter ever stand up for her mom and give Ho Dad a piece of her mind?

        I’ve moved on. My life is peaceful but admittedly I’m still angry and bitter – which I have been told a million times to “let it go, it’s not good for you, blah, blah, blah.” I’m waiting for that magical day but I just don’t see it in the near future!

        Yes. I’m one of THOSE moms – mess with my kids and you get a side of me that you didn’t know could exist!

        • That you are surviving their constant presence and the ho’s ongoing claiming of your daughter as her buddy is a testament to your strength.

          This is, indeed, the very, very, very hardest part of the whole deal. When I learned that my DS had solicited a letter of recommendation from the slut (he lived and worked with cheater and slut for a whole summer, during which they lied to him as only such people can manage), a little piece of my soul expired on the spot. I think DS saw the whole deal very pragmatically–yes, she’s a slut, but she wrote him a heck of a letter–but what I want, of course, is for both kids to see exactly what went down there, and to reject it on every level. Alas, not going to happen.

          DS said, “You get the option of cutting him entirely out of your life, mom, but we don’t. He’s our dad.” I see his point, but I also see that a lot of what DS is after is the financial support and the professional connection. I get it, but still sucks.

          Once the two marry–and I think they will do so as soon as divorce is official and DD finishes HS–I know that DS will hang out with them, and just imagining that makes every single cell in my body cringe. Normalizing that? Pretending it’s okay? Ugh.

          Maybe someday these poor damaged kids will figure it all out, but maybe not, too. I guess all we can do is to keep on living lives of integrity and hope for the best. It’s a leap of faith. No net.

          Oh, fun fact: featured right at the very top of slut’s resume are her core values. Among them, integrity.

          Heh.

            • Exactly, HateHWWs! I want to know what the outcome is or to get the mess out of the way.

              Ho is a colleague of mine and I am currently in pre-intro to Ho and their baby stage… although the kids know her, just not in her new capacity. Ho got pregnant immediately at the beginning of the affair, baby is now here. Thankfully STBX has kept the two families separated and leads two lives.

              I think this is because there is a healthy fear of me, as well as a slight amount of remorse from him, him not wanting to break his illusion of being a great father, him being unemployed and needing a meal ticket as this one has dried up… him not wanting to be in that relationship however has to stay so to maintain the meal ticket or get a job… nah, that is too much hard work!

              It’s the STBX that won’t get on with his life… I am happy for this merge of families not to take place however realise that the time will come and when it does I don’t know what the next round of emotional fallout is going to be for my kids. I don’t want to push the merge but I want to know what the future holds for my kids and how to get on with our lives….?

              He continues to eat cake and lead two lives…

        • After seeing photos that my ex posted on a dating website soon after we separated, of himself with his arms draped around our teenage daughters, I insisted as part of the divorce that he sign a non-disclosure agreement that prohibits him from posting any photos of the girls in any media, including Facebook. I know many people regularly post photos of their children, but I am personally not comfortable doing so and wanted my daughters to have the choice of what to make public when they are old enough to do so. I can happily report that he has never dared to post one photo although my daughters are now adults.

          • Dirty…I wish I would have known to do this along with a couple other things I’ve since found out…ugh!

        • This reminds me deeply of the good cop bad cop scenario. You took on the bad cop role, no choice. Your daughter has accepted the good cop role. Don’t doubt for a moment how unhappy she is with her father. Don’t doubt for a moment how committed she is to you. I believe she’s just may be trying to breathe.

          • Grace, she is definitely just trying to breathe. She doesn’t open up about anything (probably because she knows I hate them) and I feel like one day she is going to unload on someone.
            Thanks for your support!

        • HateHWWs–there is no reason you have to be cordial with X or Ho. The whole goal of divorce and recovery is detach, detach, detach. You are legally detached, still working on the emotional detachment. This is no easy feat, especially with regular confrontations at sporting events. The people who tell you to “get over it” don’t understand, but the advice is good–keep working to get to a point of indifference (or as close as you can get), for your own sake.

          Ignore them, including ignoring your daughter’s cordiality to Ho. Chances are very good that she will come around to understanding why you are so adamantly opposed to contact with them (and the focus on your own DD at sporting events is the cheaters’ impression management). Should the topic come up, try to keep emotions out of your explanation to DD (as with teens, emotions detract from the message). Hugs!

        • Cashmere – when it comes to our kids, the best thing we can do is be true to our values. There is no guarantee, intact families or otherwise, that kids will adopt the values of their parents. We do right and hope for the best.

          I will say this though, they SEE everything. When my son made a mother’s day card for me, he listed the reasons he loved me (I’m kind, I help other people, I’m patient when we do his homework). When it came time for the father’s day, the page was blank… and when I asked my son why, he said that he didn’t know why he loved his Dad (so, he is sorting that out on his own).

          I’m babbling, but I just want to say… keeping be true to your values. Be the sane parent. Pray for the best. It’s all we can do on any given day.

          • My 7 year old daughter wrote my STBX’s name on the card, instead of dad. Also, around Mother’s Day she becamse insistent on buying my the perfect gift and picking out the perfect card. When it came to father’s day, she didn’t really care. Never asked to buy a gift (I did it for her) and she just picked the first card she found.

            • My son picked out a card all on his own… it was the word DAD spelled out in ground beef shrinked wrapped on a piece of styrofoam like you get from the butcher. I’m still laughing! (He’s 11.)

    • Paintwidow,

      Thank you for this story. My child is in marching band and we will have the same senior night experience two years from now. My ex will probably want to walk across that field despite his having had zero involvement in the band experience. I am already prepared to refuse to walk if he does. I will NOT pretend to be a happy family with him. I hope that my child will understand but am unwilling to pretend if he does not. It just one of the many shitty situations that flow from removing a fuckwit from one’s own life but not the child’s life. If I had a magic wand …

      • I am with you, Dixie Chump. One virtue of CL’s website is that it gives me a chance to plan for future problems. I’ll have a version of this situation before long. I sympathize with my children’s desire to have “normal” families and to show their friends that their father “cares” about them (when they have daily personal evidence to the contrary) by including him in public displays of family pride or congratulations. I also do not want to play happy families.

        I am not sure what I will do, but hearing the strategies of the people on this site who have already had to manage these wretched situations is helpful.

      • I’m imagining you attending this future event wearing a cute T-shirt with your favorite Chump Lady cartoon on it. It won’t be totally obvious at first.

        But then it will be

        • You mean like “I’m with this cheating asshole ===> but only for the next 5 minutes”

          “At least sperm donor pays child support on time … ”

          “One of us actually knows which instrument our child plays … “

        • Oh I would totally wear a posh top, with gliterry stylized font that spelled “I am grinning because of how immensely proud I am of my incredible daughter’s achievements and how happy I am for having divorced her dad over his adultery.”

    • I guess I think that, given the circumstances, both you and your daughter did the right things: you, go Chernobyl on him, this is called sticking up for your daughter — and her, stop talking to the loser.

    • I wouldn’t regret the Chernobyl-level meltdown, even if it fed him kibbles. You were Mama Bear defending your cub. He shit on her day. And she’s a great kid for levying the biggest consequence at all. He’s paying a horrific price for his need for centrality when he wasn’t the purpose of the event. But being a hyena, he’s not equipped to know what he lost.

    • Yes….they suck. …and they always try to turn someone else’s event into their own. ..a few years back my son was turning 21 …..my son wanted his father there but not his fathers girlfriend. ….but she got invited as it made way less trouble just to deal with it. (Irony was my son said he didn’t want her there because she made everything about herself….was his exact words) anyway ….she turned up drunk….and in a little black cocktail dress to basically a bbq ….my cousin who is a singer was singing during the night with her guitar to entertain while we had meals etc ….ex s girlfriend grabbed ex and danced provocatively with ex to his who families embarrassment. …..until this night I always felt there must be a reason why he left his family and I for her….thinking we’ll it must be my fault ….later in the night they announced their engagement. ….my son was spot on about his summary of her…..but my image I had in my mind was blown out of the water …..she was more disordered than him ….and she looked both a mess ….and like a man dressing as a woman …..it went a long way for me to see that he traded way down and this year they split up…..he has been trying to get back in our lives …..but when you tell people they have to learn to live without you….you cannot honestly be surprised when learn to live without you.
      My kids see him sparodically. ….I m long ago at meh ……engaged to be married to a man I wished I d met instead of him…..my ex apparently is doing some self reflection and doesn’t like what has become of his life…..but he is as shallow as a puddle he will move along soon with the next victim ….can’t wait as then he will stop bugging kids to talk to me….I ve been no contact for 3 years now

  • Yes they just show up to bask in the glory for show, don’t they. I’ve had a similar experience of having him show up to my granddaughter’s play after I spent months driving her to and picking her up from daily practices. In the end the Limited’s whore ran me off the road as I left her final performance. I called the police and put an end to the abuse once and for all.

    This is what the Limited didn’t get, Hope. He didn’t get to know her friends, their nicknames, and the silly inside jokes I was part of as I parented. He didn’t get to celebrate the process which was shared. All those after parties as I sat silently in my car waiting. Her birthday celebration at the beach with the cast members. Or reuniting with her friends as they ran across the parking lot and hugged ME.

    And another summer show has begun and my lovey sleeps over four nights a week. I get to hug her nightly and listen to her singing as I lay in my bed. I arrange my life around what is important. And he texts her with no response. Your son is young. Children want to be loved. As they grow breadcrumbs are replaced with authenticity. Now, he cries. He wants to be a part of her life. Three years of not knowing her and yes, he’s the turd in the punch bowl. I accept no responsibility. I’m there every day to give her a hug and to provide support through the teen years with boyfriends, disappointments, and above all loving her for being an amazing gift.

      • I wasn’t hurt VC. She was driving at an excessive speed and I was forced off the road. She nearly sideswiped my car. Didn’t know it was the whore until I reached a red light and she was crazed. There is no doubt in my mind she would harm me if given the chance. She harassed me for well over two years, broke into my home and car. Previous to this incident I filed a report with the state police however they couldn’t do anything unless she threatened to kill. Unbelievable. The best ending to this is when she catches him cheating. I suspect she will kill him and end up in jail. One can hope.

    • This made me cry. You live an authentic life with real love. He will never know this. Hope the ho was worth it for him.

      • MJB

        I no longer think of it in terms of my loss; gaining a life has that impact. I’d rather think in terms of what he gets..she gets. He gets a borderline sociopath with an extensive arrest record (assault, felony drug charges), lacking the ability to earn a living, and ugly as sin. She gets a malignant covert narcissist sociopath pathological liar who wets the bed, has a two inch dick, and always cheats. Motherfucker, match made in hell. Hehe.

        Hail, CL/CN. Living better, Meh.

        • The other day our dog got hurt (minor she is fine now). STBX came and spent a couple of hours with the dog to comfort her (not at the house, he took her to the outskirts of the youngest’s BB game). I remember thinking “poor guy, he really misses the dog”. then I thought “He got Schmoopie, I go the dog, I win”. 🙂

    • Yes, this. I was present for the daily details of their lives, and this is something that the cheater failed to value. Now, he’s jealous of my connection to DD especially, but never seems to figure out that she rejects him mainly because he discarded her, and still does, always prioritizing the slut.

      Oh, gosh. The hours upon hours spent taking them to practices, watching them practice, watching them compete. Plus being there for every bit of their social, emotional, and academic doings. Listening, paying attention, guiding, reassuring, sometimes correcting. Sucking up the nastier bits of pre-teen and teen attitude shifts, and staying the course with firmness and love. Long car rides of just listening and chatting. The deepest discussions with them always do seem to unfold in the seemingly small moments: car rides, laying on the floor together petting the dog, outside watering the gardens, whatever.

      He can never get back what he missed, but he can purchase their attention in ways I can never equal. Drives me nuts, but on the whole I would much rather have those small moments, which are the ones that truly matter.

      • Agree, Cashmere. I did 90% of the parenting of my children, and 99% of the gruntwork/seemingly thankless tasks. Now my rewards are in the small things that show my children rely on me (even the daughter who is still in touch with Hannibal).

        When oldest daughter got a flat tire at college in the pouring rain, she called me to help her from afar. While it took up 2 hours of my time to arrange for towtrucks by phone in a distant city, and I had to take the numerous phone calls from a grumpy, soaking wet daughter, the message was that I am the parent that can be counted on. Pure gold to a mom’s heart.

        • In our case DD would call STBX, not because she loves him more or trusts him more but because she so desperately wants/needs positive attention from him. She rarely gets it (he has always been critical), but that is the one time when he would go out of his way to be helpful and show he cares (I think he actually does care about her too, but just doesn’t know how to connect, sad really). I also think that I would not be hurt by a scenario like that because I understand it for what it is. Of course I would do my best to help if she did call me instead.

            • That is worth remembering. Sometimes kids are desperate for that and it can look to a chump like “preferring” that parent, when it is just a desperate bid for some attention.

        • “Pure Gold To A Mom’s Heart”

          Tempest, this,
          And YOU are Pure Gold to your daughters. I know, CL, CN knows that you are!

          I have not visited CL, CN for days. You had been my first morning thought in the past.
          Family happenings.
          I, as you Tempest, have 2 daughters.
          My oldest daughter just lost her husband, a massive heart attack.
          Her CPR skills could not save him. Her two small children watched her dial EMS as she commenced unsuccessful CPR.
          My every day life came to a halt. I got the call, have been at her side since then.
          I know I am the sane, present loving parent. I would do anything for each daughter.
          Tempest, when I got to the hospital and looked at his lifeless body my first thought was, geeez God, he was a good husband and father, he wasn’t even a cheater.
          It does not mean I would ever wish this on my cheater or any cheater but I just had to tell the higher powers hat I thought this was very shitty – taking a good decent man away from his family.
          A sane, loving, present, parent that is what we Chumps will continue to be.
          I am blessed that way, as each of you fellow chumps are blessed.
          Xxx
          Love,
          Peacekeeper

          • Peacekeeper, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your son-in-law. My thoughts are with you and your family. Life can be so unfair!

            • Thank you Lyn,
              Yes, life can be unfair.
              I am thankful for the strong bond found on CL, CN site.
              Bless your heart for reaching out to me.
              Your kindness helps!
              ❤️

            • Dear JessMom,
              I feel your hug.
              Your kindness touches my heart and I thank you for
              reaching out to me.
              ❤️

          • Oh, Peacekeeper, I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter’s husband! How helpless she must have felt dialing EMS. He sounds like a wonderful man, and he will live on in all your hearts and the influence he will have on his wife and daughters going forward. I continued to “talk” to my mother for at least a year after she passed, and found it comforting that I always knew how she would have responded.

            You have been a warm, supportive mother to your own daughter, and she will pass those blessings on to her own.

            My deepest condolences and love to you and your family. xo

            • Ah Tempest,
              I have to tell you I feel a bond to you when I read many of your posts.
              Our younger daughters share a lot of similarities it seems.
              These are difficult days. Most hours I am strong.
              I have said to other Chumps that CL, CN is not fictional. You, we, are
              real people, reaching out, holding each other up, sharing good times and bad.
              Thank you Tempest, for being a caring Chump friend and thank you for reaching out to me.
              ❤️

            • Dear Beth,
              Thank you. You have such a beautiful smile when I read your posts.
              I think you also have 2 daughters. I am having some difficulty thinking straight.
              Not much sleep, I return to my home to get a change of clothes and to do food prep.
              Funny, I always see my role as the nourisher, feeding my family.
              ( now if I could just get my older daughter to eat)!
              Bless your heart for taking the time to reach out to me.
              Xxx

          • Peacekeeper, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine the heartbreak and grief you and your daughter must feel. Please know that both of you are in my thoughts and prayers.

            • Meh or Bust,
              It is so kind of you to reach out to me. Thank you.
              Every once in a while I check in on CL, CN and my heart is warmed every time.
              I feel such a connection to so many Chumps.
              I feel like I know so many of you.
              I guess, in my heart, I do!
              Oxo’s

            • Working It Out,

              Thank you for your thoughtful post.

              I notice today I am escaping to CL CN more frequently.
              My fingers are typing responses. My heart feels lighter.

              CL, CN, you all are amazing, real, caring, very special people to me.
              Each one of you!
              ❤️

    • What these idiots don’t understand about marching bands, choruses, plays and championship games is that the process of getting there is what makes it sweet. The grind of practice, of travel (in sports), of giving up free time, of getting uniforms and costumes ready–all of that is part of getting to the championship or Senior Night or graduation. The disordered want to show up on the day when the recognition for them is on the table. They respect nothing, not the people, the effort required or the process.

      • I often think of how I drove two kids around to different soccer tournaments all over the country the year my ex decided he and schmoopie coworker needed to show his horse all over the country too. There was no discussion with me about what kind of time it would take away from the family, etc. He just started entering the horse in all kind of shows and had schmoopie coworker riding it for him.

        When I think of all the time I invested in my kids and how they seem to enjoy staying with their families at his big resort home it sure does hurt. He wasn’t the one who was there for them when they were little in the day to day grind (although he was almost always there for their games). When I think of how both my kids and their families enjoy his new resort home, while mine is too small to accommodate everyone, it makes me feel like I shouldn’t have done so much for them. However, I try to keep those thoughts to myself and just enjoy the kids when I do see them. One of them invited me to go on vacation with his family this year, so that’s progress.

        • Lyn–that sucks. Perhaps they’re just taking from him shallow benefits because they know that is all they will get from him. You are the substantial parent; your children surely realize it.

      • Doingme,
        My above response post(3:02 PM), was to your post at 6:49 AM.
        I am not doing well getting my replies in the correct spot.
        I need sleep.
        I am sorry if my posts don’t make sense the last few days.
        Hugs to CN!❤️

  • OMG…I could go on and on about the flaunting of Ho-worker in front of our small town WHILE. WE. WERE. STILL. MARRIED.

    But I digress.. trust they suck. Ignore him and his next victim.

    • The flaunting of the ho-worker while still married….

      They just had a baby. My MIL posted pictures on Facebook and people post comments like congratulations! Etc.

      And I’m thinking – but he’s married…

      My stbx was texting me how stupid I am for not believing something he claims he did – and then he texted me that I am not his wife….

      Lol.. then why are we going through this messy divorce?

      They create their own reality to justify their dirty deeds.

  • I don’t think Meh is an all-or-nothing proposition. I think it accumulates little by little around the various issues related to our infidelity experience: say, sexual, domestic, financial, and usually last of all, with the parenting of our kids. We may be completely Meh about our cheating ex boinking co-workers long before we’re able to send our kids to our ex’s house for the weekend.

    Give meh time. It is arriving little by little every day, even as you sleep. You may not be entirely meh about a given issue on a given day, but have faith that you’re getting there.

    That’s the way I think of Meh:
    Mightiness
    Expanding
    Hourly

    • This is perfect! Great way to explain MEH! Sometimes I am hard on myself for not being consistently MEH about all things, all the time but this makes me feel better.

    • Along the same line, I think of Meh as specific to my relationship with the Edgar Suit. Totally Meh there. I don’t care what he does or who he does it with or what he says about me. He is not a part of my life at all. But I will never be Meh about his effect on my kids. I will always hurt for them, be protective of them, and feel a degree of guilt (and quite possibly homicidal rage) when I can’t protect them from the effects of having a completely selfish. disordered narc fucktard for a father. Doesn’t matter that they are adults. I will never get to Meh where they and their father are concerned. And I’m okay with that.

      • The Edgar suit! Best nickname ever!! My husband does a pretty good imitation of “Egga”, which never fails to make me laugh. Rock on!

      • Beth, I hear you on the kid’s thing. I repeatedly remind myself of what I cannot control. Time is the real factor. These assholes can’t maintain relationships. It’s pretty easy to prey on the love of adult children for kibbles as time marches forward. And I remind myself of how I lathered on the Spackle and managed his image for years to my children. What child doesn’t want to believe in that good guy image despite the contradictions? Yes, we modeled cognitive dissonance until we found clarity.

        I gave up that inclination to control the outcome. I model the silent strength true integrity brings. What they share with him is superficial. A few beers, watching the whore smile at his wonderfulness and throwing out a gift card for holidays. Moreover, I feel sad for their reality. Dad is an asshole who threw away his LIFE because he’s a very sick individual. And I have to tolerate their unspoken anger after being in his company (a few times a year).

        The difference between us is evident in actions. He says…I do. He’s still future faking with the whore throwing out his impossible dream…..spewing out words with no substance. His delusions of grandeur are unsustainable as ever. They always hang themselves, Beth. The circus monkeys always perform yet the audience dwindles over time. It’s the same old show.

        • DM, I absolutely agree! Time is the factor. My daughter has nothing to do with her dad and in fact, changed her last name to my maiden name when I changed mine back. I don’t anticipate there will ever be a relationship there. If there ever is, I will know she walked into it with eyes wide open. My son, has had a train wreck of a year and is clutching at any straw to make himself feel better, including reopening a relationship with his dad. And of course, Edgar Suit is playing on son’s wounded heart, talking about how alone he is (he LIVES with his stripper/fluffer GF how is that being alone but whatever), how his life sucks (THAT I believe), how much he loves the kids, etc. But I’m still the one my son turns to when he needs help. I’m the one who has been there for my boy every day through this sucky year, giving him a shoulder to lean on and a cheering section when he needs one. His relationship with his dad will always be superficial because that’s all ES has got to give. So I’m keeping my mouth shut – and keeping myself prepared to pick up the pieces when ES inevitably lets son down again. And as you said, I continue to model strength and integrity. Like you, I feel sad that they will never experience what it is like to have a truly wonderful father the way I did. Meanwhile, that Mama Bear homicidal rage keeps simmering. It’s always going to be there as long as ES is on the planet and has the potential to hurt my kids. I have no problem with that at all.

          • Beth–the same-sex children of cheaters always have the dilemma of knowing that their (often) biggest role model sucks dinosaur balls. They frantically want this not to be the case, and may need those extra sessions of beating-their-head-against-the-wall for it to sink in.

            • That is exactly what is happening Tempest and your wording is spot on. My son knows his dad is a lying, cheating, stealing narc who, once son was past the young-boy-hero-worship phase, demeaned him constantly. My son “frantically want[s] this not to be the case”. He wants the dad he adored and admired back and dad wants that adoration and admiration back even more. Damn reality for getting in the way. I wish I could prevent my son from experiencing the inevitable disillusionment but I can’t. And I guess, he really needs to grasp this for himself – those extra sessions that you mentioned. Maybe the headache will make it real?

              • Hi Beth,

                I come to CN, read a few posts at a time,
                Still not much sleep, raw emotions when I look at my daughter and her children, trying to pick up the pieces. No words for it, no words, maybe in time, but I can’t even imagine finding peace.

                I remember saying in one of my posts to you that I thought you had 2 daughters. I see I was incorrect. You have a son and a daughter. ( I promise I will remember).

                I am so sorry for the pain your daughter and your son have lived through and for what you have endured.
                You are a very strong person and have passed this strength through to your children.
                Still, the fact that you and they have to survive in the aftermath is so very unfair.

                I hate what cheaters do to good people!
                I hate how they put scars on our heart.

                ❤️
                Love and strength to all Chumps.
                You, each one of you, are mighty!
                We are miles high above them!

      • Couldn’t agree more, Beth!!

        Don’t care anything about xhole and howife but have a extremely difficult time when it affects my children (doesn’t matter that they are grown).

        Great response!!

      • Spot on Beth, shared custody is by far the hardest aspect to me: knowingly having to expose our daughter to his dysfuntion thanks to misinformed professionals in family law is really difficult to reframe, especially given the risk that kids might align with the dysfunction like we saw Tim’s kids do earlier this week…

        Unfair but there is no othe way but to forge on to Meh…

    • Beautifully put, Nomar. Especially in light of the recent discussion re: Chumps, cheaters and grace. I think that Chumps hold themselves to a high set of standards (lets call it a moral code), and when we fall short, we punish ourselves.

      None of us is perfect; for me each day I tell myself I will try to do better.

      And my “better” is good enough!

      • Yes! I don’t think I will ever be completely “Meh” because of the continuing abuse of me through the kids.

        I am waiting and praying for them to see the light and come home. Surely they can’t keep up the facade for much longer.

    • I like the idea of MEH coming even while you sleep. For years my dreams were full of discussions with me ex, of trying to reach him, etc. I rarely dream of him any more. So maybe MEH has finally arrived in my dreams.

  • This experience resonates with me as I caught myself and my daughter focussed solely on if and possibly when the turd in a bowl would appear at my son’s drama production. It was my “face palm” moment.

    He shows up late, if at all, leaves early sometimes not even talking to/hugging DS or DD but he always brings replacement newest edition with him. That he routinely shows up to DS events and not DD’s is the most brutal.

    For me, what’s maddening is that he can’t see past himself how hurtful his behaviour is. But…

    Chump lady is spot on with – anyone can show up and take a bow after all the hard work is done. I repeat that to myself every time, Foty parades himself with pink cow 2.0 thru the public events that he can claim an accomplished child.

  • Ow only ever showed up at one family event, nowdeadcheaters military retirement (I think there were 2 of them there).

    My daughter danced ballet with the same group of kids from 3rd grade –> HS graduation and dads leaving moms and showing up at The Nutcracker with Schmoopie was a thing…and we all saw the nastiness for what it was. One in particular had this Schmoopie that (no shit) looked like Cruella DeVille.

    People with keen radar can see this shit from a mile away and the cheater/schmoopies only show themselves for being the asses that they are.

    • Unicornnomore, I would have to believe that you were unaware at the time he retired that these women were OWs. I would have lost my shit if it were me, but I’m not cool at all when I get obviously shit on, military bearing be damned! It’s a slap in the face to a military wife who has worked, IMHO, doubly hard to hold a family together through numerous moves and all the inherent issues that come with it! And the “good” military wife steps in and handles it all so our military man can focus on his “mission”! Was the OW there when my kids had a fit cause we were moving to “MCB Backwater Nowhere” for three years? Hell NO! Was OW there when we juggled the budget to run a household, plan for food, plan for back to school on the pitiful pay these guys get? Hell NO! Did they have to put a house together that seemed warm and inviting and comfortable every three years or less? Hell NO! Did they shoulder the burden of “holding down the fort” while the husband was gone for months on end or traveling constantly? Hell NO! Oh Lord I could go on and on! They don’t deserve to even ATTEND the retirement ceremony. They did ZERO! Makes my blood boil!

      • No, I really didnt have any real disclosure at the time. I was 8 weeks past the “I want a divorce but there is no one else” speech and very suspicious of him and Susan of Seattle, but had no proof and I was still convinced that he would never do such a thing. I didnt realize that Dee of Boston likely fucked him in the 1997/98 era – I put those pieces together later.

        At the event, I was “pick me dancing” for all I was worth. I dont have the first guess of what UNM of 2015 (who learned about the cheating) would have done had she known about it at the retirement….I probably wouldnt have gone … Dee & Susan could have duked it out.

        But I made huge sacrifices to be a military wife and keep his world running like a well oiled machine. The fact that he invited these fucking whores while not bothering to make sure that all his kids could be there (oldest son was in HS an his finals were that day…cheater could have scheduled any day, the idea of asking his kid if he could be there never occurred to the fucker) still pisses me off to this day.

    • Perhaps the human side dishes who attend the children’s events (recitals,games,graduations,etc.) should be greeted as such-hand extended with the greeting “Hi Schmoopie (don’t call them by their actual name,even if you know it ). I’m (insert name), (child’s name)’s mother/father” and then leave.

      Not exactly meh but part of the Chump Revolution.

      • Just looked at urban dictionary and realized Tracy’s definition of schmoopie needs to be added.

  • My guess is the ex is showing off. He’s using the kid’s concert as an excuse to have everyone see his wonderful, lovely, awesome girlfriend. A lot of douchy guys do this.
    For what it’s worth, Hope, take comfort in the fact that there’s probably something really wrong with this woman that he hasn’t discovered yet. If she’s really that young, and that pretty, why does she need to be with a man she can’t see but twice a year?

      • Maybe a personality disorder, but maybe she’s obnoxious, or she has another guy on the hook locally, or she’s just plain old bat-sh*t-crazy. I’m just speculating, of course, but from my experience there is a darn good reason why an otherwise attractive young woman feels the need to latch onto a much older guy who lives thousands of miles away. Maybe she’s scared all the local guys away, or maybe there’s a reason she needs her boyfriend to not see her on a regular basis. I’ve known a couple of older guys who have gotten caught up like this, and they regretted it later.
        Again, I’m just speculating, and I’m just trying to make Hope feel better.
        I don’t want this to sidetrack the bigger issue. He’s using the kid’s concert to show off what a stud he is…pathetic!

    • They don’t call them “trophy girlfriends” and “trophy wives” for nothing. It’s the stupid idea that younger is an upgrade when it just makes the man look pathetic. A cliché.

      As to why the younger woman would want to be involved with him: marriage –> citizenship.

  • In my case the sound of Schmoopie’s real name fills me with rage. I don’t know why that is particularly true. It’s really STBX that is the problem and who cares if she is referred to by her name or as “my girlfriend” or whatever. It might be partly because it is such a flowery and pretentious name and she definitely doesn’t live up to it. Or maybe it is because it is likely one of the things that attracts him because it has an image associated with it and he is all about image over substance. To me her very name is a lie.

    Anyway, it is a funny thing that something like that can set me off. So far I have not specifically shown my loss of met over hearing her name, but I do lose it inside. Needless to say I never say her name myself when referring to her. There are situations where the term “Schmoopie” is not appropriate, but then she just becomes “her”. At one point he was trying to protect her by saying that if I really must tell people about her existence, I should not use names. Not a problem. To me she is “she who must not be named”. I will know I am at meh when I can say her or hear name and it doesn’t bother me. Luckily it is an unusual enough name that I am not likely to encounter others with that name and immediately have negative associations with that person.

    • I have this fantasy that – had he lived and they had stayed together – I would have come up with a new name for Susan of Seattle every time I saw the would-have-been-X. Like “Oh where is ‘She who farts rainbows’ today?” or “So I see that ‘she who reeks Biblical destruction’ must have a nail appt today”, or “Will ‘ladyparts worth family abandonment’ be at the play on Saturday?”

      OK, its the most un-meh thing ever and only a fantasy as this scenario didnt come to full fruition, but it was fun to concoct in my head.

    • Chumpinrecovery–oh, honey. I wish I could print the list of unusual names that X banged on his road to splitting half the assets. It’s almost as if he went in search of stripper names that only 1 in 4 billion people have.

      Here’s how to overcome that–say the name over and over to yourself, out loud, whenever you are alone. Write it in notebooks, until it has no emotional association whatsoever. Draw AP’s name in flowery font until it makes you laugh (don’t forget the hearts over the i). It’s a way to uncouple the name from your experiences.

      A friend had a dog with the same name as X’s main AP (the one I divorced him over). A circumstance arose in that the dog would have to find a new home, and I considered adopting the dog, but thought “I’ll have to change her name.” But then the thought occurred to me, no, if I adopt the dog, I’ll keep the name because then I can joke that both X and I had a bitch named _______________.

      • Tempest, that would’ve been no joke – just straight up fact: ” I can joke that both X and I had a bitch named _______________.” But funny regardless. 🙂

        • My husband’s skank girlfriend has the exact same first name as me. It hurts to say, hear, see or write my own name now. I hate it. It’s not even a common name for my age group. My 4 yr old son (at the time) said “mommy, there are 2 “Janes”. You and daddy’s friend.”

          • That sucks. Does your name lend itself to a nickname? Or you could just call OW “skank girlfriend” ; ).

      • This thing with names. When Porky Pig left, he moved in with a friend, also named Porky Pig. The OW/Yoga Whore is also named Porky Pig. Porky Pig’s other work friend that the three of them hang out with is also named Porky Pig. Is it weird that Porky Pig is filling his new wonderful life with people who are all named Porky Pig? If and when I meet anyone new with that name, I am going to run for my life!

    • Ugh– me also!!! Her name is actually funny and reeks “I’m a stripper” and rhymes with X’s name; which is also funny. But I CAN’T say her name without feeling sick or mad. I call her “trailer park whore” to my friends, and “his little friend” or “her” around my kids and people I don’t care to use the word whore around. But I can’t say it. That’s not healthy in persist of meh I’m sure. I know he sucks and I also know she sucks (yay for me that she is totally uneducated, tacky, dresses slutty to work, has the vocab of a 5 year old according to my 19 year old, is overweight (which is fine except funny because X has had her ass in the gym training with him for 3 years now trying to whip her into the kind of shape he finds acceptable) she was fucking her married boss before changing to my then wed husband and they still all work together, she is a current alcoholic, she is a former drug addict, and I happen to know he has already cheater on her (she doesn’t know his), she cheated on her 1st husband… he is a major serial cheater so it likely won’t last. So, yep it’s a sisfinctional clusterfuck. And, basically I know fully that he traded down BUT the situation and her and even her damn name still make me mad/hurt/sick to my stomach. Maybe because he sang her sexual praises so much during our divorce? He is a porn addict also and one grievance was that he couldn’t ask me for his fantasies like group sex because I am ” too judgemental.” So, I imaging TPW’s main quality is acting like a prostitute in bed while he showers her with money (and gives his children nothing.) Divorce was 7 months ago. The final D day was 2 years ago.

      Side note- How do I work on meh when he shows up at kids’ milestone event like a proud Dad when he didn’t financially support them at all! It boils my blood he won’t pay for the activities (expensive, high level stuff for both kids) but is always around to take credit for their accomploahments! It SO pisses me off.

      I’m typing on my phone- it’s probably a mess. Sorry!

    • I too, can not bear to say the OW name nor to hear her name spoken. I refer to my ex as Dick and the OW as HIC (Herpes Infected C*NT)….

      So when I talk to my friends it’s Dick and HIC. If I reference the OW in front of my grown daughters, I refer to her as “his thing”.

      • I LOVE “his thing” and I may have to adopt that nugget into my vocabulary! Thank you so much Blandsided!

    • LOL. Thinking about OW names … when I was looking for a new home my realtor showed me one on the street that had the same name as Schmoopie coworker. I don’t care how awesome the house was, no way would I ever live in a home with her name in the address.

  • After I discovered cheater at whores house, filed, he slept, ate in basement. .for 8 months.
    During this time he brought whore around his family, came a to dance class with her- arm around her & laughing me.

    It caused me great stress while my heart was breaking. These cruel narcs have no soul or understanding of their actions & after 34 years married , become their TRUE selves.

    I pray every day of justice for them both. Not sure if I’ll ever reach “Meh”.

    • I don’t think I will either Kathleen. I have this feeling that if I don’t see some damn karma I can’t heal. I know that’s immature and that life isn’t fair but I just feel incredibly stuck on that premise.

    • Kathleen, the sweetest justice really is living better. They also laughed at me when I was broken. Very sick fuck sadists to laugh together over hurting the innocent. She mocked me using the nickname he gave me at sixteen years old.

      Recognize how malignant a person has to be to act this way. Then start taking care of your needs. What I found in his absence was peace and freedom. You are free Kathleen. Live better; karma for them is the loss of our goodness.

      • DM beat me to it. — After three years post Dday, I sometimes find I have little to “pay back” to CL/CN, but this may be one place. Do your best to give up on karma. It comes in many forms and it may not come immediately or where you can see it. My comfort come from realizing that XH is a hopelessly shallow person who is never truly satisfied by anything so he’s always frantically chasing after the next new thing. I personally firmly believe he paints a brave face but in reality he sees his aging self in the mirror and totally freaks out about it. Furthermore, I know from experience that OW gets no great prize, as he will never really “be there” for her when Life’s eventual shitstorm knocks on their door.

        The platitudes are plentiful on this topic: “Try not to waste too much of today on yesterday.” “When gazing back at the past, try not to stare.” “Life doesn’t happen in the rearview mirror.” Etc. But in my experience, they’re all true. The only thing that helped me move on to Meh was to think of him as little as possible. Watching for Karma prevented me from doing that, so I stopped.

    • Kathleen, if you want justice, it’s in your hands. Get to Meh. That’s justice. Take away their triangle (even though now it’s only in their minds). Take away their centrality. Build your awesome life and let them see you are mighty (MEH being “mightiness expanding hourly,” according to Nomar). You can do that. You can be mighty. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel sad or angry. Just that you are always working on the mighty. And on some Tuesday, you will wake up and not think of him at all.

  • STBX has made it clear that he is not comfortable being at family functions if I am present. So far he hasn’t tried to bring Schmoopie when the kids and I are there, but I am sure he would feel the same way if she were there too. I believe all of this is because he fears triangulation would backfire on him. When I am with his family these days I tend to spend a lot of time talking to them and he is kind of left on the sidelines. He probably fears the same would happen if he were there with Schmoopie. I have told his family that I will not be attending family parties in the future even if the kids are present, because if I go, he won’t and it doesn’t seem right to even indirectly keep him away from his family even if he is an asshole. I told them I could still see them at other times, but I probably want to wait until I am closer to meh so I am not tempted to talk about him or Schmoopie.

  • I think you did amazing!! We have all been through so much, lied to, manipulated, rejected, of course you get to loose your meh sometimes but you recognized it asked for support and here you are ? He doesn’t get to keep hurting you over and over but he will try, it’s what they do. Give yourself a ton of credit for getting thus far, buy yourself some flowers and let her have all of him!!!

  • It stinks to have these people as co-parents for sure. If it weren’t for my kids, I’d have no problem never seeing or speaking with my ex for the rest of my life. My family currently has no interest in speaking with her now and they avoid her at all costs. The problem is that my kids are fairly young and have tons of school/sports activities that we all attend. My family always has an escape plan ready when they see her (I’d love to too, but that’s not something I have the liberty to do).

    I’m cordial with my ex to the extent I need to be, as my goal is to keep the kids’ lives as normal as possible. But it sucks having to be like a neutral party between my family and her. And it sucks having to mingle with her among all of my kids’ teammates parents, many of whom know about what went on.

    But, it’s something you just need to soldier through. It’s like going to work on a Monday, you know it’s coming, you know you hate it, but every week there’s no choice but to suck it up and deal with it.

  • Traveling the World,
    I thought the same thing. This arrangement probably also provides him the ability to “cheat” on her too. ( can you be a cheater and in a relationship with somebody you only have seen in person twice?)
    While I’m still infuriated that my ex showed with his AP to such a huge event I now know this:
    1. For him to do something that he knows would upset his child on his/ her day speaks volumes about him.
    2. For her to show up at an event like this just screams insecurity. If she were comfortable in her relationship and how she came into it, she would excuse herself from such events until THE CHILD felt okay with her attending.
    Selfish assholes, it’s all about them…

  • It’s one thing for these fuckwits to throw schmoopie in your face, but another to do so in your children’s faces. It’s one thing to reach ‘meh’ for yourself, but I think reaching the ‘meh’ for the family unit is the final hurdle. I’m on vacation with my kiddos now. Something we used to do as a family unit. I really can’t imagine ever being married to fuckwit again. But my final step is grieving the family unit.

    Why would a fuckwit bring a schmoopie to a child’s performance? Why would a schmoopie go? Because they really only think about themselves. Not their ex. Not their kids. This is who they are. Trust that they suck. You can’t shielf your kids from this. Your children will realize they suck too in due time.

  • Cheaters really are all the same.

    My cheating EW texted me at the start of DD’s grade school year, saying she wanted to take DD to the orientation day. I had custody that day, so already planned on taking her, thanks. Well, cheating EW states she wants to show up anyway. Hey, it’s a free country, do what you want.

    When I arrived with DD, CEW was, of course, already in the classroom. When I said hello to the new teacher, she said “oh, I’ve just already met DD’s mother” and did in a way that clearly showed that she understood the scenario and was warning me (talk about a great teacher!).

    CEW sat at DD’s desk during the entire thing, took all of the paperwork so that I couldn’t even view it, and when given the chance to write a note of encouragement to DD, CEW took up the entire page with oversized letters, leaving no room (I had to write a short note on the back).

    The other class families and I had a good laugh about it. I mean, the grade school kids were exhibiting more mature behavior than my 45 year old CEW in that scenario.

    The point is, you stop being appalled and pissed off at most of the cheater behavior at some point, and you just accept it as them being idiotic, selfish, entitled douchecanoes. In other words, you accept that they will be themselves.

    Hope – just keep doing what you are doing. You are well on your way, and you **WILL** reach a point where your life is thriving, and this stuff rolls off of your back as the inevitable childish behavior of cheating fucktards.

    • Nanki Poo – I read an article a long time ago about a elementary teacher who KNEW of certain divorced families among her class, and to avoid situation like what your douchebag X did, she made double copies of everything and would have had TWO papers for each of you to give your child a note.

      You might ask for that from all of your DD’s grade-school teachers to just completely bypass and dismiss what that moron might do in the future. In fact, just buy a ream of paper for them as a good will gesture when you ask for double copies at the beginning of the year. 😉 Good luck!!

    • NankiPoo–how petty of the X. It is laughable. Seriously, how big did she have to write to cover a whole page to make sure you had no room left? Five-year-old mentality (and penmanship).

      • Yeah, it was totally ridiculous, and just indicative of how these type of people deal with things.

        And don’t worry, I was way ahead on requesting copies (and offering to help get them digitized :).

  • One other thing. One reason why I avoid Schmoopie is because in my fantasies I have raged at her and I have fears that if I saw her I might do it for real and that would just make me look ugly. I sometimes wonder if she avoids me for the same reason (maybe she’s tempted to rage at me too). Maybe she isn’t all bad if she recognizes that the two of us being in the same room would not be a good idea.

    Most of my fantasy rages are aimed at STBX of course (a lot of raging going on inside my head). Really, he should be grateful that he has only been raged at for real twice in the nearly a year since DDay considering that we still see each other frequently because of the kids. That and the occasional snark..

    • I under this and initially went no contact because I did not trust myself with him. I just felt this wave of adrenaline and fury in his presence.

      When cheater x brought homewrecker to child’s event, I was close enough at one point to pull her hair. While I refrained from all contact, just the thought that yanking her down by her hair appealed to me was disturbing.

      I will honestly avoid all contact whenever possible. I don’t feel rage when not in their presence, but I am one year from DDay and still cannot bear to even lay eyes on her.

      They destroyed our family, and our kids will forever pay the price for their selfishness. I am unable to let that go.

      • I get this. If it hadn’t been her it would have been somebody else, but it wasn’t somebody else. Of course I know STBX is the one who betrayed me, but it still bothers me when people suggest that it is wrong to be angry at or think poorly of the OWs because they are not bad people. Not true. Schmoopie knew darn well that he was married and fucked him anyway. Then she went out of her way to take deliberate actions to scuttle reconciliation and draw him back to her. Reconciliation might not have worked anyway, but we’ll never know now thanks to her deliberate machinations. Even if it hadn’t worked, if we had at least made an honest attempt without her interference, then even I would have agreed that ending the marriage was for the best and there would not be as many hard feelings. She is not a good person. She is a selfish, self centered slut, just like STBX. She doesn’t deserve any more blame than him (he helped her tear her family apart too), but she doesn’t deserve a free pass on blame or hard feelings either. She is not a victim here. If he ends up with a new girlfriend in the future (after divorce is final), I might still be jealous, but I won’t hate her because she really will be an innocent third party who did not participate in the destruction of my family. Meanwhile STBX thinks I should be showing Schmoopie the same respect I would any other girlfriend who might have come along post divorce. Not a chance. I don’t think anybody owes either of them any respect, although I will try not to judge others who do as most people can’t really comprehend the destruction these two have caused.

        • Yes! Cheaters are the problem, but AP’s are disgusting, too. Some are even friends of the family, or actual family, or are married themselves (and so are cheaters betraying their own faithful chump spouses).

          If I ever do have to deal with them (since they had to “prove” their love by getting married right away), I will use a line from a chump I read here,”I will be happy to treat her with the same respect she showed me when I was your wife.”

        • chumpinrecovery, just tell your STBX that you’ll show OW as much respect as the two of them showed you and your children.

  • This is a well-timed post. I’ve been doing exceptionally well with my meh, and then last night ex riled me up and I took the bait when I should have shrugged it off.

    About 6 months ago ex started putting the OW on video chat with our preschooler. I told him to stop, because she is not welcome in my home and she is not our son’s family. I told him they can video chat with OW all he wants on his visitation weekends, but not on my time. He did it 2 more times before I finally had to establish consequences for ex, and I had to explain the rules to our son and tell him that it’s his dad’s job to follow those rules.

    Last night they were video chatting and my son asked to see his infant half sister, and then he added “but not [OW], because she’s not allowed to–” and his dad cut him off. About 10 minutes later he asked our son not to speak of this rule out loud, because OW might overhear and it might hurt her feelings, and mommy insisted on this rule and blah blah blah.

    I just about lost it. Both of them have given zero shits about my feelings through all of this, but now everyone has to tip-toe around OW’s feelings? If her feelings are that delicate, I suggest that she not go around fucking married or unavailable men. If she wants to be treated with respect, she needs to be respectable. She clearly suffers from delusions that her wonderfulness will win everyone over in time and that by sheer power of narcissistic glory, she’ll transform from the turd in the punch bowl to the main course that everyone wants a piece of (including her boyfriend’s [ex] wife!).

    That’s not how this works, and last night I lost my meh. This morning I’m feeling less annoyed, but not yet back in my cozy meh-nest. It’s a long road with these idiots. [grumble]

    • Yes that is the another thing that is so hard to take, when they care so much about the feelings of dirt bag AP but don’t give a hoot for the feelings of the left behind spouse who was loyal and caring for so long.

    • FreeVix — why don’t you tell her minister what she has done, or someone who has moral authority over her?

      • You know, I’m of the belief that we are our own moral authority. People can establish themselves as part of a culture, institution, or family with a strong external moral compass, but each person has to decide which way their needle points.

        Neither my ex, the OW, nor I are members of a religious community. Though the OW does seem to think of herself as an enlightened yogi, much of which (as I understand) involves her buying new yoga clothes.

    • “Delusions of her wonderfulness” describes her just right. Well put!

      Like all such people, she needs your ex to sustain that delusion. Which is why he’s making an ass of himself (as I once did) defending her feelings…when she’s already shown how little she genuinely cares about anyone other than herself.

      Meh rises and falls in waves, but there is a general upward trend. Fuck ’em.

      • I’m solidly back on the upward swing, and feeling a good, strong “fuck ’em” again tonight. 🙂

  • Boy, I needed this today. I have finally moved into my own place and was enjoying my evening working on my new (to me) little house. Then I saw a picture of STBX with our “mutual” friends in a group text. Caught me off guard and I had what I like to call, a “moment.” My new mantra is, I will pass on the punch. Specialist, I’m sorry for your pain and I hope henceforth, you will pass on the punch, too.

  • Actually, I was steeling myself to have a double-turd punch bowl evening when my second son got married last October. I couldn’t believe how anxious I was becoming at the thought of having to share that special occasion with my XH of ~40 years, let alone the married coworker he left me for. After all, I’d been Zero Contact for 2 1/2 years and life was moving on without him quite nicely.

    But unbeknownst to me, destiny stepped in… my son and soon-to-be DIL paid the whore a private visit and told her that out of respect for me, she was not invited to any of the festivities. I found this out about a month before the wedding and I can’t describe the tsunami of relief I felt! Knowing I only had to deal with one turd was suddenly doable. And as soon as I saw him in the flesh, he looked old, pathetic and positively impotent. All of the power that I’d put into that moment suddenly deflated, as if someone put a pin into a balloon. I thought to myself, “So THIS is what you were getting anxious about”? Meh, here we come!

    • MyRedSandals – Oh, how much do I just LOVE your son and DIL??! They earned gold star awards for THEIR ability to be mighty on your behalf! They truly GET IT, set the boundary for themselves to not only protect their day from a douchebag’s drama, but to also protect you. What a beautiful story. Just awesome!

    • Good for your son and DIL! OW had it coming and if she had had any ounce of integrity she would have bowed out of the occasion before being told to do so.

    • My Red Sandals, my father, who is also a cheater, is still steamed that his OW was not invited to my wedding or any of the other weddings in our large close knit extended family. Between sulking sessions I helped him understand that it would be like inviting Fredo to a Corleone family picnic *after* he sold Michael out to Hyman Roth.

    • MyRedSandals, that is just awesome for your kids to do! I have a good friend who’s daughter insisted that OW that broke up her family not to be allowed to sit at the table of honor during the rehearsal dinner. Well, of course OW tried, but was reminded that she wasn’t allowed. She huffed off and ended up sitting in the audience with my friends’ ex. I just love it when kids draw boundary lines.

      • Children of cheaters can choose and work on what kind of character they want to have-narcissist or empath-and the chumped parent can only influence their kids up to a certain point.

        One of my narc brother’s choice comments after our mother died of cancer in her early sixties ?
        “Well, at least now I don’t have to worry about what Mom’s behavior at my wedding when H. (our father third wife) comes over to say hello .” Our father’s second wife died of pancreatic cancer and he was on to wife #3 by the time our mother died. Our father had weaponized my brother against our mother, blameshifting all the marital problems and his cheating onto her. Wife #3 is an obnoxious narcissist, can’t keep her pie hole shut and has alienated many people with her behavior over the years. I’ve seen her at family gatherings over the years-conduct very unbecoming !

        Interestingly enough, when my brother did marry a few years later, he didn’t invite our father and wife #3.

        I love hearing stories of grown children seeing their disordered parents for who they are and not taking sh*t from the f*ckwits,protecting the abused parent in the process
        Long ((hugs)) to the parents whose children emulate the narcs. All you can do is protect yourself and set healthy boundaries.

  • Their need to constantly shove the ow in your face is a big stick it to you, just in case you missed it the first time. They are truly cruel people. ow was a “friend “. After dday the two of them tried very hard to provoke a reaction from me and her husband. They moved in together a block from him and a mile from me. No reaction. He paraded her around in public before anyone knew we were divorcing. No reaction. Had her on display at our business 2 weeks after I found out. No reaction. Constantly brought her up in conversation during settlement talks. No reaction. Brought her with him when coming to my house to drop off documents. No reaction. x blew up when his attempts to rub my nose in his affair didn’t work. I told him he could fuck her in the middle of Main Street and I would just step over them because she wasn’t important to anyone but him. He wanted two women to fight over him. My refusal to be a part of his Jerry Springer fantasy hurt his ego. Thanks CL for introducing me to NC and grey rock. Let them play their game, just don’t be a part of it.

  • Chumpinrecovery, you have class! I admire your ability to continue the relationship with your inlaws. After I left, dickhead was with shmoopie(whose real name is very common and I still stop in my tracks whenever I hear it) for a couple years. In those years he was the typical asshole father/deadbeat and my girls gravitated in my direction. But after Schmoopi left the scene he suddenly became the “best Dad ever”. I think they felt sorry for him as he played the pity card. For me I’m not sure which is worse. I resent his relationship with them because he is cashing in on all the years I spent spackling for him. I cannot tell the kids why he doesn’t deserve their affection or their pity because I think it’s better for them to be in a good place with him and then figure out for themselves what a sham he really is. So while I’m waiting for the Karma bus I try to develop my meh- and Fake it til I make it. My Tuesday is out there somewhere.

  • He’s only seen her two times, and yet he’s introducing her to the kids?! Wayyyyyy too soon.

  • So needed to read this today. My Ex is all about the show, always has been. Today I had to email my Ex to tell him our 12 year old DD is no long wishing to go to him for visitation. I expect he will throw a tantrum, and then blame it all on me. Will never understand that DD is just over the drama charged emotional abuse. Most likely we will end up back in court. Ex never tells her he loves her and really wants to make the most of their time together, no tells her repeatedly she has no choice not to go to him, she is court ordered. He forgets she went through a time where she had absolutely no choice she was 9 when we split and a month later begun her cancer battle. She remembers how he treated me at the hospital, how he ensured the church had his back while we were abandoned. How he swanned in and out of the hospital when it suited him, and not coming at all if he had a date. While I dropped 10kg in 6 weeks on a Starbucks diet and next to no sleep. But mostly she remembers his instructions to her on the odd night he stayed with her at the hospital, things like if she needed to wee in the middle of the night not to wake him because it was too difficult him to get back to sleep. It’s petty and trivial but this is what she remembers. He sprouts to everyone how hard it was for him. Yeah it was hard living with mummy while the church kept your secret, and friends parented your older children while their younger sibling and mother spent days at the hospital. “Victory laps without the effort”, perfectly put. He is now stepfather to a kid in the same year as her at school so Ex uses school events to gain jumbo buckets of kibble, and unhindered public visitation. Many fawn over him and wife 2.0 because she has a long standing connection with other parents and staff at the school due to church. And his expectation at these events just like when he would spare the odd 15-20 mins a day visiting her in hospital is that I should just fade off into the background. I often loose my meh in relation to our kids, because co-parenting with a 16 year old mean girl trapped in a middle aged mans body is a freaking nightmare.

    • That describes them perfectly! I guarantee you not everyone buys his act and believes his public persona.

      Developing narcdar has also caused me to notice even more the genuine, hardworking people behind the scenes whom you can count on day in and day out.

      Many people are like this and appreciate your efforts!

  • Oh I hate the Turd Parade! Fuckwits seem to revel in their own stink! They beam with pride at their own ability to do whatever they want, regardless of anyone else. Trust me, it took me a long time to catch onto the learning curve when parenting with a fuckwit. Once you realize that they are going to do whatever they feel like doing, you come to expect shitty behavior. I do not ever assume fuckwit will take the mature course of action and consider others feelings, because no one other than himself matters. It’s like they get some sort of high off of the shock value. Nothing pisses them off more than no reaction. Oh sure, expect they’ll escalate to get a rise out of you, but don’t let them win.

    When we were doing our parenting plan we ended a session knowing the next weeks topic was moral conduct, and we would be discussing BF/GF expectations and boundaries… what did he do that weekend… introduced his GF. You can’t unring a bell that’s already been rung.

    We had agreed on no BF/GF overnights until the 9 month mark, but hadn’t yet signed off on the parenting plan… what do you think he did… yep, had an overnight with GF and kids. Again, can’t unring a bell that’s already been rung.

    Trust that your only expectation be that they suck! They are like defiant children playing a game of musical chairs. They know the rules, but when the music stops and everyone is clamoring for their own seats, they shove you out of the way. When you protest and say “it’s not fair, he cheated!” they claim you are just a bad sport and a cry baby. Eventually you just stop playing and let them find someone else shove. Sure, they’ll bask in their own glory because they think they’ve won, but I think that’s what MEH is all about… being the true winner! You step out and find a life beyond musical chairs. Let them have their plastic trophy … because in the end, that’s all they have! A worthless plastic trophy that they earned shoving people out of the way so they could take center stage. I find looking at them as giant children helps bring me closer to MEH. Sure, misbehaved children are annoying, but at least they aren’t your children to deal with.

  • I’m so sorry you feel like you lost your meh. But, the nice thing is that meh isn’t a destination- it’s a state of mind. You’ll get back there soon. I’m never not amazed by the cruel things these demented monsters will do. They do these things to get a rise out of you. That’s why NC/grey rock is so important. Don’t give them the power! You’re doing great, keep it up! *hugs*

  • I can certainly relate to Hope’s letter… and to most of what everyone else has said here in response to it. I’m not at a perpetual state of Meh yet. I have brief moments of it (like five-minute spurts) but nowhere near true grace (and yes, still nursing a grudge against Timmo, MEH is GRACE).

    The two stories that come to mind illustrate some barely perceptible progress:

    One month after Porky Pig deserted us for Yoga Whore (March 22nd) his father died. I had been very close to my FIL and it was a difficult time. I made the decision to not attend his funeral because PP had not told his family about Yoga Whore/adultery yet and expected me to show up and pretend everything was “fine.” Being devastated by DDay and the loss of FIL, I knew I would not be able to get through the wake, funeral, and other events without completely losing it and causing a scene. (In truth, I also suspected that Yoga Whore would be there, surreptitiously – she lives nearby). To paraphrase Clint Eastwood, “A woman’s gotta know her limitations…” I did.

    This did not sit well with PP. How would he explain to his family why his wife was not standing next to him? It just wouldn’t look good. There were at least two or three raging phone calls from PP about how disrespectful it was for me not to attend. I held my ground. At the end of the last spew, PP actually asked me to make his hotel reservations for him. Chump that I am, I did. (face palm and begging CL’s forgiveness for this slip!)

    Two months after Porky Pig deserted us for Yoga Whore it was Memorial Day Weekend. I had been doing a good job of keeping it together in front of my daughter – being strong and comforting for her. But, this weekend was different. Porky Pig had told DD and my stepson that he was bringing Yoga Whore to a work function/barbecue and wanted to introduce her to them. I had already figured out she was in town based on the iPhone Find Friends app and his presence at the Hyatt just down the street. I lost it. I was crying hysterically, shaking, sick to my stomach. I screamed to the kids about what an asshole their father was. It was not my finest moment. The fact that PP thought it was okay to begin publicly escorting Yoga Whore around town AND make her part of our kids’ lives was just too much.

    I did the only thing I could think of at the time. I emailed my lawyer and asked him what to do. He emailed me right back and said “under no circumstances is Yoga Whore to meet DD until PP has finished up the business of your marriage.” That one sentence set everything straight again. And, I felt briefly lucid/empowered.

    Yes, PP needed to finish us before he started her. And that is exactly what I texted him. I didn’t hear back. I let DD decide for herself what she wanted to do (at age 14 she is only beginning to understand how to honor her feelings). She did not want to meet Yoga Whore. In fact, she has decided she doesn’t want to see or speak to Porky Pig at all, at least for the time being.

    That is a whole other can of worms since now Porky Pig is claiming that I have “turned her against him.” I really haven’t. He did that all by himself.

    I wish I had a brilliant conclusion to all of this but I don’t. I have been painted as the Heartless Evil One for not going to FIL’s funeral. I have been painted as the Spiteful Evil One for not welcoming Yoga Whore into our family. I guess the message to myself is that Meh is a process, not an event. It takes time. Some of the stuff you have to go through sucks. Some of it sucks a big donkey dick. But, I don’t have to listen to or do what Porky Pig thinks I should do anymore. And until I figure out what I need and want and/or the appropriate way to act in a given situation, I have many, many resources to call on, including my lawyer and CN!

    • Boundaries, Meh or Bust. They have none. I did have to set some early on because XH thought he could still drop by MY house anytime he wanted to. I told him he could no longer stop by without permission from me because it was now MY house.
      For some reason, it takes them a while to figure out they can’t tell you what to do anymore. They’ve always been manipulative but now they manipulate via the kids.
      Funny how they claim to be this big protector of their kids when in fact they didn’t protect the kids at all!

    • Who has painted you as the Evil One for not welcoming YogaWhore into the family? If it’s inlaws, may be time to let them go. If your children, a heart-to-heart conversation would not be out of order.

    • Meh or Bust, your number one job now is protecting yourself from further harm from Porky Pig. You did the right thing by not attending your FIL’s funeral just to make your husband look good. He has fired you from being someone who cares what he thinks about anything. Keep asking yourself, “will this help me or hurt me?” whenever those situations come up. If it’s going to hurt you, honor yourself over him.

    • Watch the Danish film “The Celebration” 1998 to see how to make a big,stinking scene at a family gathering-truth telling and holding one’s ground !

  • I’m steeling myself right now for one of those punchbowl moments….This is my ex’s weekend with the kids. My mom passed away 1 1/2 years ago and my family/church is doing a fundraiser to establish a scholarship in my Mom’s memory. Ex NEVER brings the kids to anything having to do with my side of the family or church that they are members of, or even allows them to go on his time even though he usually is doing absolutely NOTHING with them. He decides that he is coming and bringing the kids this time…he even tells them about it, which tells me that he is actually coming.

    So of course bells are going off in my head. OW has a twin sister that moved down south and will probably come to the event even though she and I are no longer on speaking terms as he supports her twin with her whoring. So I expect a scenario where they figure there is safety in numbers… and finally go public with his “new relationship….you know the one that everyone already knows is what ended our marriage and knows that they secretly continued it. She was a “friend” of the family so it was a double betrayal….So my plan to weather this is to warn my posse of this eventuality to keep me calm and pretend she doesn’t exist…Will be hard as what I really want to do it put my fist down his whores throat…..

  • OMFG, Chumplady. Your way with words. You nailed it! You nailed it SO hard. TKO. I love this woman!

  • OOOOOOOooo. (What the hell, throw in another one…o.)

    My Dear Specialist….WTF? Would you please tell me why you would possibly think your response was anything but Mighty? C’mon. Didn’t it feel good-at the time? If you actually remember much of your blackout rages? I don’t. (But oooo, I have to clean up the pottery shards/plants/books/electronics and other debris after-wadda mess.) But anyway, where’s the foul? Besides the odor of eau de SlimeBag emanating from him and the Friction Pour Le Thighs from her, I think ya done good. Except for a thing -or maybe two.

    Think on this: “Half-way around the world.” That’s a long ass flight to get to some really awful places. There’s Lebanon, there’s Syria, there’s Iran, there’s Afghanistan and various other locales where females routinely dress like penguins with built in Hail Mary Holes where their eyes should be. And it’s hotter than Schmmopies crotch after a night hanging off a pole at the “Gentleman’s Club.” See, everyone particularly in those awful places wants to live. Life takes on new meaning and priorities in such countries. There’s a drive to not evacuate your personal body bag before it’s time coupled with an overwhelming drive to evacuate the area ASAP. And when there’s all kinds of shit falling out of the sky, blowing up under your feet and “rock-n-roll” refers to your automatic weapon setting, you’ll do anything to GTFO. Trust me on this one, it interferes a lot with your sleep-and fucks up your waking hours too.

    Since time immoral, females do what they’ve always done in this situation and that is, Velcro themselves to the closest male American meat shield. Now, we all use poor judgement from time to time and this *was* a Capitol Offensive Poor Judgement your ex employed, but you kinda missed an opportunity to avenge this clusterfuck: Oh c’mon a little revenge is good for the cold black soul that is flashing a neon sign that says, “Oh Bull Shit, Buddy.” The lord mighta said vengeance was his, but “re-vengeance” didn’t get past the editors. Frankly, some of my proudest moments have occurred when I stopped being “nice” and went all Fukishema on someone who totally deserved it.

    So, smile at Schmoopie-and shake her down for her passport. Next (if she has one that appears some what legitimate) look at the Entry Visa: Like Dr. Phil’s license, if it’s in there it’s says in official-ese, “For Entertainment Purposes Only.” You can say what ever ya want about the US, but “Cumming To America” is alive and well. Just sit in the concourse at JFK for awhile and you’ll see not only is the US a “melting pot” but a polyglot of imported females of various “exotic” ethnicities paired with rolly-poly balding middle age and decrepitude “enhanced” males. In shorts with sandals-and socks. (BTW? There should be a law punishable by death for that fashion fuck up.) Holding a “device” that translates about a kizillion languages-if only he could figure out which one was the right one to “facilitate” the communication of their “lurve story.” That’s a solid gold indicator the guy’s an idiot. There are two universal languages spoken every where on this planet and they are the one you speak in your letter above-pain-and the other is “Fuck me.”

    I think he purchased one of the “Fuck Me’s” OK? In fact, I can about guarantee there’s some charges on his credit card that support that assertion.

    The only thing that coulda been sue-eeter would have been if you’d simply withdrawn from the field of fire momentarily and immediately pulled out your phone to call Immigration, ask for ICE and put ’em both on it. Honey, no woman in her right mind wants to stay someplace where the national pastime is inhaling shitty vodka (men+booze+sex=WTF?!) or worse, has none at all, OK? Or they’re required to wear black after Memorial Day and 110 degrees is a “cold front.” Further WTF-ery includes their rendition of “the little black dress” which is “lacking in both imagination and style” according to “Project Run-Away, Fast” Standards.

    Look, ya done good, Specialist. Better than I would have because I don’t “do” ambushes real well: This Stop, Drop and Rock-n-Roll shit gets old fast. Don’t be surprised if the next time you happen to blunder on his latest clusterfuck Schmoopie, aka the 101st Airborn sex toy is either rockin a ring that looks like a pull tab from cheap assed canned “beer” and has her hand buried deep, real deep in his shorts pocket-the one where he keeps his wallet and plastic-or there’s new “import,” OK? Ain’t nothin’ free in this world except a belly laugh at these simpleton guys who are smiling like they just inhaled their first hit of Viagara and are ready to road test the results.

    As soon as she gets a Green Card/LAPR status, his social security number, a new wardrobe suitable for an “upgrade” from the balding rolly-poley chubby manchild, she’s gone. Ya gotta remember, this is a Marathon, not a Sprint. And congratulations on your wholly appropriate public scene: People pay good money to learn how to do that as a “Method Actor” and you have a natural gift for the “Throw Down!” Much respect, Specialist! Your ex is a fool. And ya know the expression, “There’s no fool like an old fool?” <Yeah, that.
    The Truth is in the details-always!

    • TW: as always I am left speechless by your response and in awe of your wit and ability to turn a phrase. I hope I never, ever, ever, ever, ever do anything to piss you off. And I mean that with the utmost respect! 🙂

  • A friend the other days said to me “I can’t believe you don’t want to call them all out for their shitty behavior.”

    I corrected her. I do WANT to do it. When I found out he’s lying that he was only friends with his now girlfriend then mistress, until she left her husband and him and I split. I WANTED to send all my evidence to her STBXH who was in the dark about the affair. But I didn’t. Because I don’t NEED to do it. It won’t better my life or help me move on.

    When I found out his little flying monkey (his sister) is spreading around all the lies he told about our relationship and intimate details of our marriage, I WANTED to text him and say “Thank your sister for this” and then post on fb all the evidence I have of his massage parlor/internet sex addiction. But I didn’t. Because I don’t NEED that drama in my life.

    I don’t WANT to WANT to stalk them all on fb, but I do. I don’t, but the urge is always there.

    I can’t imagine how much harder it is for those with kids. We aren’t weak because we want to do these things. We’re just human. We’re strong, because even if we falter, we pick ourselves up and continue to move on.

  • I have a reverse side of this that happened to me last night and today:
    So my lovely STBX left me in the middle of cancer treatment. During diagnosis & treatment I lost a total of 20-25 lbs putting me at a lower weight than when we were married. Yesterday I had a new skirt on (size M, seriously can’t remember the last time I wore a M–high school maybe?). Anyway, he dropped off the kiddo, I was standing in the glass doorway as he drove by and out of the corner of my eye I saw him visibly craning his neck to look at me. Too bad schmuck. None of this hot bod is yours.
    This morning when he picked up our kiddo a car happened to be parked in front of the house. As soon as I opened the door he asked about it, staring the car down. I told him I had no idea, this was the first I saw it. Aftre he left it occured to me that he probably thought it was someone in our house. If he would have paid attention or ever gotten to know our neighbors, he would have realized it was there car and they were having a downed tree cut down this morning.
    Ha! Added a smile to my day knowing how many regrets he was more than likely having today.

    • And an illustration of what sick, shallow jackasses they all are. I can’t imagine abandoning someone I love in their darkest health crisis. But then to ogle that person after they’ve lost weight from that health crisis? Beyond the pale.

    • Cancer in the Rear View Mirror Chump,

      I once read a strange article that talked about “how to get a narcissistic person back” after the discard. This is a foolish endeavor, but at the time, I was close to clinically insane, about 4 weeks after D Day #2.

      It said the way to get them back was to look fantastic. Narcs are so shallow that we cannot fathom this type of alien mindset. When they see you, looking very attractive, they immediately want the ego boost that comes from being with a partner the world finds sexy.

      The issues that haunt us- the betrayal, the agony of the break up, loss of the family- these things do not trouble their empty heads. My discard came strangely close to a very unflattering photo of me the X took when I was not ready (Damn you Double Chin side view!)

      As queasy and horrified as it makes me, I believe his sick calculus of the discard involved looking at that photo. He was already cheating, but he went radio silent on me. Disappeared. It breaks my heart. I have photos of him where he looks like a mini Jabba the Hut Meth Head, but I loved him just as much.

      My love for him was not contingent on something as silly as an unflattering photo. Your X was checking you out, but it did not register that he abandoned you in a health crisis. It really does introduce us to a type of subhuman.

  • My Ex (now dead) was dressed up like a circus monkey and dragged to the OW’s daughter’s wedding. He had to sit across from her Ex FIL who, if looks could kill, would have had him dead! He said that her Ex husband and his new wife were there and they were very gracious. The OW is short in stature so all the wedding pictures had her in the very back of the crowd. The pictures were posted on FB and you can’t even see her in any one of them! It’s as if she never attended. Her daughter told her she was to pay for her dress, but she was NOT invited along to choose the dress, she was just asked to sign a blank check. OW was very pissed. OW would drag him to every family event trying to ram him down thier throats. He said he usually ended up in a corner somewhere being totally ignored or they would occasionally look at him with total disdain. Schmoopie has two grown kids and they DO NOT like her at all and they make no bones about it. My Ex said they are out and out disrespectful to her no matter what the occasion. I guess she would whine and cry, but no one gave a damn! Sucks to be her!

  • I am only 2-1/2 months post DDay (33 years together). This MEH you speak of sounds like a wonderful state to be. At least there is something to someday look forward to.

    Our children are grown. DS went NC immediately. Well, before the NC there were several severe rants which my Cheater Fuckwit tried to get me to tell our son to stop?? WTF? I told him that he was not the victim of our son’s anger but the CAUSE of it, and DS will eventually stop when he’s ready! He did.

    DD still communicates with her dad. DD is getting married next year, and I am already dreading the thought of Cheater Fuckwit bringing his Howorker Skank (the only thing I can think to call her right now) to the wedding with him. In my mind, I’m hoping that DD would kindly tell her dad that she is not welcome at her wedding and not to bring her. But if she doesn’t feel that way? I guess I can tell her how I feel and hope she feels the same. The thought of family seeing them together and acting all nicey nice to them while I’m also present turns my stomach.

    I know I shouldn’t worry about it a year out. There is just no other circumstances between now and then where I should have to see the Cheater Fuckwit and Howorker Skank together. I hope it doesn’t keep me from reaching at least some MEH!

  • It’s probably impossible to reach meh where our kids are concerned. And that’s probably a good thing. I still have trouble dealing with my crazy ass narc mom and I still get sucked into her shit and I’m old and know better! Think how hard it is for these young kids having to deal with our fucktard cheaters. They have two choices: cut them out of their lives (if they’re old enough and smart enough) or hang around on the fringes and get burned every so often. It’s a shit choice just like all the choices we make/need to make/should’ve made/shouldn’t have made/thought about making…

    My biggest regret in life is choosing that piece of shit to be their father. I’ll never completely get over that guilt no matter how many times it’s explained to me that I didn’t know and I was fooled etc…. they’re my kids and I would fight Satan himself for them yet I chose him out of 3 billion guys on the planet to be their father. Geez…. I could’ve swung the proverbial cat in a bar and done better.

    • But, genetics being genetics, if you hadn’t mated with the fuckwit, your kids as they now exist would not have been the people they are.

      I apologized to my oldest daughter for having chosen a fuckwit for her father, but explained, “but then you wouldn’t be who you are.” And she is fab, despite 50% fuckwit genes.

      • Yeah, that’s true but I would still want a “do over” if it was possible. I’d take my chances knowing what I know. That’s just me.

    • My mother apologized to me for picking such a crappy father. I responded “You’re not responsible for his shitty behavior. I’m glad the universe picked you to be my mom and that I had one parent who loved me to pieces and always had my back.”

      She only knew what she knew when she got married. As she often said, “I was so wet behind the ears when I got married. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.”

  • If your cheater is a narcissist—and from what I’ve read here in CN, most if not all of them are—then we have nothing to fear from their relationships with our children. They are incapable of having them. The kids know that. I think it doesn’t matter whether the kids choose NC or if they’re pragmatists and use accommodation to handle their cheater parent, they are perfectly aware their cheating narc parent has nothing real to offer them.

    Even if they’re young they probably know something is wrong with that parent. My kids told me ever since they could remember, they felt something was missing in their father. They’d compare him to how their friends’ fathers interacted with their kids and realize something was off in their own.

    We are the lucky ones, we sane parents. We are capable of having bonded, committed, loving relationships with others, especially our kids. The narcs are not. We have already “won.”

    As an example, a friend of mine was cheated on and left for the OW when her daughter was a senior in high school. Her x married the OW, who then proceeded to fawn over the daughter to try to win her over. She appeared to have succeeded—the daughter took the “go along to get along” tack. Eight years later, the affair marriage is ending in divorce and the daughter, now an adult, has nothing but disdain for the now-ex-AP-wife. She takes pity on her dad but he is not and never has been the sane parent.

    My friend the mom has had to tolerate years of her x and the AP hosting the daughter for visits, vacations, and tolerating family occasions like graduations and weddings with the OW in her face.

    But now it is apparent that nothing ever really mattered. The mother was always the only real parent to the daughter, and the cheating narc father and his AP wife were just unavoidable bloodsuckers who needed occasional servicing.

    WE are the lucky ones.

  • My STBX (really, really soon – should be final next week, yay!) shed crocodile tears when I finally left 2 years ago. After much serial cheating, although at the time I’m not sure he was seeing anyone, he gave me this last sad speech about how he knew when he met me that I was “the one” and the only one he would ever love. There would never be anyone else. Uh, yeah – we’ve been married 40 YEARS and I can document the last 15 of serial cheating via the internet – pretty sure it probably started before then.

    TWO WEEKS later he had reactivated his dating profiles on the dating sites. Then within a month or two (might have started before I left, but I quit playing marriage police a long time ago) he had hooked up with a 15 year younger married mother of one. By Christmas he started hinting that we should probably divorce (of course I’m the one that hired an attorney and spent 2 years working out a settlement – but I digress). By that time she was the “love of his life” and he was trying to introduce her to his mom and other family members. His mother was horrified (she knows about the infidelity) and refused to meet her.

    In the meantime, our youngest (adult) son had moved down to the coast where his Uncle (STBX’s brother) has given him a job and is training him in a career. Son was temporarily living in his grandmother’s condo. So with a day’s notice, STBX loads up the flavor of the month (who hasn’t moved out or even told her chump she’s planning a divorce) and drives down to the coast to “stay” in the condo with my son for the New Year’s weekend. They didn’t ask his mother’s permission, which pissed her off royally. They arrived with a new puppy, she deposited and lit candles all over the place, and they made our son cook and clean up after them for the whole weekend (at least he stood his ground and wouldn’t let them stay in the master bedroom with the king bed – sent them to the back bedroom with the two little twin beds). Then he tried to introduce her to his brother & sister in law. They wound up meeting a dive bar on the island. My sister in law said it was a very weird, strained evening all around. MIL was furious when she found out he had gone down without asking.

    I guess I’m one of the lucky ones – all his family still considers me family and they’ve pretty much stood behind me the whole time. BIL & SIL hosted a wedding for their son in their back yard this past spring. They invited STBX but made very clear to him that there was no “plus one” – that it would just put too much strain on the wedding and she was not welcome. I drove my MIL down and we stayed at her condo. I think STBX stayed at the girlfriend’s sister’s house (or some relative that she has down there). He showed up for the welcome party Friday night and and for the wedding the next day. We nodded and said hello, and he was actually trying to be civil – even complimented me on the dress I was wearing, which I think is the only nice thing he said to me in 40 years. He left early – I think before dinner was served, and drove back home that night. BIL insisted that I be included in all the family photographs – almost made me cry.

    Now our adult daughter is getting married in Europe. She was the most wounded of our 3 kids when news of his cheating broke (she received an email from the craziest of his bunny boilers on her flight home from her honeymoon with her own cheater). Of course STBX shed many tears over the daughter, but like she said – the phone works both ways. He will not initiate phone calls, emails, texts and says that she has cut him off. She and the now fiance flew in for the nephew’s wedding and at the last minute he offered to pick her up at the airport and invited them to stay with him for a couple of days, which she declined (already had plans to travel elsewhere with fiance). She was pretty sure it was his sneaky way of trying to introduce his “new love” just like he did with her little brother and she was having no part of it.

    Long story short – the wedding is next month. Little brother and I are making the trip and serving as her official witnesses. BIL & SIL are invited and coming, as well as another another couple whose daughter was her best friend growing up and have been her “second parents”. The daughter/best friend is coming too. Daddy was not invited. When she told him of the engagement his only response was “sweet”. That was the end for her.

    I almost feel sorry for him. He is a 65 year old who fancies himself an intellectual. Everything we had came as an inheritance on my side – he has dithered around with various businesses without much success. I left him living in the real estate, and with the “stuff” (he’s a hoarder), and rather than forcing a sale, he’s paying me off over 15 years. And I got the family – our lovely children and his extended family. And the dogs. He’s got a cheater who hasn’t quite gotten around to leaving her husband and daughter (although the daughter just graduated high school, after being dragged around on hook-ups between her mother and STBX). He just can’t seem to understand why everyone else isn’t anxious to meet his lovely new OW that he’s been trying to introduce while they are both still married. Doesn’t understand why it’s awkward and unwelcome for everyone else. Not sure if I’ll ever run into the two of them but can’t imagine where or how – maybe when his mom dies – I’m her executor!

    • What a story! So glad that his whole family isn’t full of narcissistic fuckwits. That might explain why the kids don’t show any signs of inheriting Dad’s traits. And I love that you’re his mom’s executor.

  • Mr. Sparkles gave me 20 minutes notice he was bringing the OW to our son’s rec league basketball game. I had yet to meet her and I had just filed maybe 4 months prior.

    I was reeling when they showed up. She was 10 years his junior.

    I walked up to her directly and calmly. Introduced myself as “the wife” and my son’s mother and explained that I thought it was highly inappropriate for her to be there. I then excused myself to them and then to my son and left. Mr. Sparkles followed me out to “discuss” it while she scurried out the firescape and went to wait for him at his house. Mr. Sparkles never left the game. Neither did I. THINK ABOUT THAT.

    Months later, after they broke up because she caught him cheating on HER, she emailed me an apology and in it she explained that Mr. Sparkles ASSURED HER weeks in advance that I knew she was going to be at the game.

    SEE THAT… He was bored – he needed a triangulation fix. IT IS THAT SIMPLE.

    It is never about you, Chumps. It is rarely about the OW/OM. 9 times out of 10, it is purely driven by the SHEER BOREDOM of the Narcissist… oh look, a squirrel.

    We can do this, we just need to look at the facts and not give rise to the feelings.

    Rock on Chump Nation.

    • Here is a story that will reinforce your point. The Very Kind Man invited me to a kid’s sporting event. The kid is his daughter’s adopted little brother; his XW is the adoptive mother. I said, “No way I’m stepping on her kid’s game without you checking with her first. She has every right to that experience without my presence.” Bear in mind that they were divorced for YEARS and she was the initiator. He got the OK from her. It was a little awkward but I know how to behave and so does she. They were together for years and he still looks out for her in many ways because she never remarried and lives with DD and SIL. It’s been a great way for me to define my own boundaries, respect his boundaries, and accept that divorce (and I don’t mean “conscious uncoupling” doesn’t have to mean ignoring the struggles of your X. I am still in contact with my XH the drinker and would be there in a heartbeat for him or my former in-laws. We’re not young. We have history. But the key is to respect the “right of refusal” when you are stepping onto the ex’s territory. Unfortunately, cheaters and Schmoopies are all about trampling boundaries.

      • Brava, LAJ!

        Yes, cheaters are selfish by definition; chumps, by contrast, typically quite thoughtful and considerate.

    • Great illustration, ICSTMC! Thanks for that. I think you’re totally right. I admire your lady balls, too.

  • No where near meh yet but, today I got the letter to say the courts have agreed to my divorce and I can apply to end the marriage in 6 weeks and one day. This has not made me cry as the previous letters about the divorce have. I am still struggling with understand how someone could be so cruel, but I just keep reminding myself that it is just who he is and not who I thought he was. I totally agree that I’ll never get to meh over the children. How he could do this to me when I was pregnant with his child is something I think I’ll always struggle with.

    • He’s cruel because he is not like you. He’s an alien in an Edgar suit (see “Men in Black”) or a hyena in a human suit or simply a black hole of need and suckitude. That’s your explanation. He’s got something terribly wrong with him.

      • Most days I get this, some days I am still taking some of the blame and thinking what if…
        I know this isn’t helpful and deep down I know it’s not true but it’s so hard to get your head round.

    • I’m so sorry! That really is a special mind-fuck isn’t it! Mine did that also… throughout 2 pregnancies and then had the audacity to say those affairs didn’t count (among the other dozens of affairs over 23 years together, 20 married) because (and apparently his “therapist” agreed,) he was nervous about fatherhood. Asshole! I don’t miss him a bit but am still more mad about the pregnancy affairs that anything else. Exposing your pregnant wife and unborn children to STI’s… seriously?! WTF!?

      • Wow his therapist really sucks. I’m sure you were nervous about motherhood but you managed to not cheat. It is such a mindfuck and I will never get my head round why they do it. The trauma of infidelity and being discarded is so intense that I often wonder how I got to the end of my pregnancy without anything bad happening to either of us.

        • You are one STRONG person to survive being pregnant while dealing with a cheater! If you can get through that, you can get through anything. My hat goes off to you!

    • Pregnant chump I applaud your strength in leaving the abusive man who cheated on you while you were pregnant. Believe he did this because he lacks normal human decency and he will never change. The Limited was having an affair while I was pregnant with my second child. I found out after she was born. He brought the MOW to the hospital and to my home. I found out later she too was pregnant at the time. He also fathered children with the woman who lived below me when I first got married.

      I spent my life living with a serial cheater. Know you dodged a HUGE bullet. None of this was your doing. What your future would hold if you stayed would be more of the same. EVERYTHING that could possibly bring me joy, he destroyed year after year. It got to the point I couldn’t anticipate anything good happening. Know he is toxic. You will get to MEH and have a wonderful life.

  • Cheater is currently struggling with his brother and his “partner”.
    The back story is that cheaters brother’s (now ex) wife filed for divorce in 2012. She is a good friend of mine and I knew their marriage was coming to an end, as cheater’s brother is also a cheater. (go figure). She really didn’t care at that point. She reached meh long before.
    A MONTH after she filed, cheater BIL introduces the family to “It”.
    “It” has got to be the most deplorable piece of crap I have ever met. (that status would easily be replaced with my own cheater’s slut but alas I have no idea who she is).
    She blew up the entire family, causing tension between cheater husband and his father, whom have always been close. Upon first meeting “It”, she started talking about how when the cheaters dad dies, she and BIL are going to retire at his house. A house that was placed in a trust, and belonged to BOTH sons.
    She lies about the weirdest shit. She finally stopped talking about how the WWII Nazi Dr. takes her down to his secret lab in his basement and injects her brain with stem cells. (fucking wow). And I couldn’t keep my mouth shut when It told me that she met the “prince” of India. (I asked her if she traveled back in time since India hasn’t had a prince since the ’40’s).
    Cheaters dad was ill last Summer and cheater BIL offered up his “partner’s” help.
    His health went on a steep decline under her care and died a few months later. He died of cancer, and I don’t want to blame “It” for his death, but since she “worked in the ER” at some point in her fictitious life, she felt she had complete authority to change up his medication without consent from the Drs or the family, and without the knowledge of FIL.
    FIL suffered from clinical depression so taking the right dosage of anti depressants was imperative. She wouldnt give him his meds for days then give him twice his prescribed dose. Once I found Adderall (which he was not prescribed) next to his pill box. “It” is an Adderall addict and has been caught feeding it to BIL teenage son as well as BIL. (Another reason for the divorce is BIL love of methamphetamine)
    FIL told me that he did not want to be under her care yet despite everyone’s pleas, BIL insisted we were “grossly misinformed” and continued to push his “partner” onto his ailing father.
    BIL had medical POA, but near the end it was changed over to my cheater husband, with FIL citing “It” as being an immoral stupid bitch.
    He died less than a month later.
    One week after his death, BIL and “It” were boxing up FIL’s personal belongings and giving /throwing them away behind cheater husband’s back.
    I know that this is off topic by all appearances, but I wanted to shed some light on who these bottom dwellers are:
    They are the people who plan to take over matriarchal (or patriarchal) positions; they plan their lives around the death of others; they fuck with the quality of life of those around them; they lie to raise their status among peers; they create turmoil within families; they are generally just awful.
    These are the people who replace us. They are parasites. And parasites need a host. The cheater isn’t the host though. The cheater has a mutual symbiotic relationship with these parasites. WE are the hosts- Family, friends, children. Everyone else suffers from this mutualism while the co-parasites live on, completely indifferent to the pain they cause.
    On my end; cheater husband swears his brother and “It” have betrayed him on such a level that forgiveness is no longer attainable. Although I know where he’s coming from, and I agree they both are awful people, I also can’t help but think his karma bus has finally made it’s stop.

    • “They are the people who plan to take over matriarchal (or patriarchal) positions; they plan their lives around the death of others; they fuck with the quality of life of those around them; they lie to raise their status among peers; they create turmoil within families; they are generally just awful.
      These are the people who replace us. They are parasites. And parasites need a host. The cheater isn’t the host though. The cheater has a mutual symbiotic relationship with these parasites. WE are the hosts- Family, friends, children. Everyone else suffers from this mutualism while the co-parasites live on, completely indifferent to the pain they cause.”

      Spot on Fedupchump, you’ve just described the Whore and her family (who are also parasites).

        • I hate that I am. But I see myself free from him when I imagine a home full of peace and light. I notice that he’s “falling in love” with me again and that’s all part of the hoovering that occurs in the cycle of abuse. I’m not obliging to his needs he feels he deserves to have met and the hoovering will soon turn to spite and resentment.
          I recognize the pattern and it’s that recognition that keeps me from being sucked in.
          One day, I’ll be writing on here about how much better off I am without cheater in my life and how surprisingly well I’m doing on my own. Until then, my clarity may not match my actions. (or inaction). I will get there on a Tuesday.

  • Huge hugs to all of you chumps who have to parent in these situations. I can’t imagine how I would have coped if I’d had a child with the Traitor and had to let our child have any contact with the Whore. I know I would have tried every legal means to stop it, probably in vain.
    I do think children can understand and judge their parent and I wish they would do it more often. My father was a cheater, I was one of the many children of his cheating with different women. He completely ignored me as a child, I never met him. As a teenager I wanted to meet him. My mother asked me to wait. I waited, then when I turned 18 I no longer wanted to. I decided he didn’t deserve to know me. I looked forward to finding out one day that he had died without even meeting me, without the opportunity to peddle more lies and excuses. I wanted to make sure he never got a chance to shift blame on anyone. I did a little dance when I read his death notice 5 years ago. It was a long wait, the bastard lived almost 20 years longer than my mum. No Karma there, but at least, I never spoke to him.

    • My mom never knew her father either. He abandoned their family when she was born and moved in with OW and her children. Mom actually found his grave and stood beside it with her sister. She said they both waited to feel something…but they didn’t.

  • I would like to say that the shit sandwich eating ends at age 18, but alas, it continues to remind you what is the punishment for breeding with a fucktard. For example, X model 1 and I have been divorced over more than a decade (he was the one cheating during our marriage, but not what ultimately caused the divorce ~ yep, should have learned and left then), however, he cannot stand to be in my presence and has made comments to others that he intended to financially ruin me. He makes it miserable for everyone. School concerts, plays, etc. yep, he shows his true assholeness. Son has graduated college and it still continues. For example, I was walking in the neighborhood to go get dinner and my son texts me that he and his holy assholeness are having dinner at the restaurant I was headed to. Basically so I wouldn’t go there.

    He’s pissed because I was not supposed to be able to survive without him. Instead I more that survived, I thrived. Every accomplishment I have that my son passes on to his father just pisses him off more. This from the man that wanted to get back together for just booty calls after the divorce. Nice.

    This week we have to be at the same event. I know that I am walking into a den of hyenas with him and his family there along with many of his co-workers. I am not the problem and my son knows this. I will be meh and support my son even while choking on the shit sandwich of having to share the event with his holy assholeness who never paid a dime to raise our son and at times had to be forced to spend time with him, while I worked multiple jobs and moved so that my son could have the things that he wanted and deserved. I was always the parent, and was always at every event, field trip, etc. I hate having to share that his holy assholeness had any positive input (impression management that he is a great father~bullshit), but the son craves dear ole assholeness’ approval.

    The shit sandwich eating continues on. I think it is a lifetime sentence, however, I’m going in with grace and TUMS in my pocket. I’m not letting him ruin this for my son or take away from the day.

    • WAC–what a wonderful mother you are. Just think of all of CN at the event with you, having your back against the pack of hyenas.

    • Good for you, WAC. Don’t let anything spoil your celebration with your son. We will be there with you! Come back and tell us how it went.

  • Don’t know if this will help anyone with children but my youngest Daughter’s therapist explained her relationship with her father in this way: Picture you and your Dad in the middle of a lake in a row boat. You are the only one rowing. With only one person rowing you will never get anywhere, you will just continue to go in circles.

    This made my daughter see that she was the only one putting any effort into the relationship with her Dad and once she stopped putting in the effort, he didn’t once pick up the slack. Now the only contact they have is when her half sister sets it all up. Both of my grown daughters are sad to see their half sister rowing the boat all by herself.

    When I thought about it, it basically described MY relationship with their father also.

    My daughters know I am the reliable adult and have been the one there through all of life’s up and downs so that’s the joyful part I get that he doesn’t even know that he missed.

    I have also used that same analogy on some of what I thought were friendships. When I am the only one reaching out, then I’m the only one ‘rowing’ so I stop.

    Bless you all and keep moving forward one step and a time.

  • It’s tough. It’s hard to leave all your investment behind and start over.
    But having to watch your children going under the mill of a fucktard????
    50/50 custody after he left you in ruin, paid no child support?????
    Ugh, I would shout out loud if I had any voice left. It’s unjust, it’s hellish!
    We can scream and shout, we can cry in the pillow. None of that is going to help you or your child.

    What would help? Find your meh. Do the work on yourself, that would really help your child. Be the sane mother he needs.
    Unfortunately, breeding with a fuckwit has been our lot in life, having a fucktard as a a father is our children’s lot in life. We can only teach them right from wrong, but in the end it’s their choices. We cannot protect our kids from everything. We need to teach them how to navigate this world. Trust or hope that we do a great job! That’s all we can control…

  • I have three sons. My first son was married two years ago, and my second son is getting married next month.

    I’ve been fortunate that my sons saw fit not to invite my cousin who slept with my wife and blew up our entire family. So, I will likely only see the ex-wife cheater at the wedding but won’t be required to make any contact.

    I truly sympathize with the people here who have had to suffer seeing the cheaters AP with their kids.

    I have not seen my cousin throughout this entire situation, never mind seeing him with my ex cheater wife.

    I could give a shit about the cheater ex-wife, but it would take every ounce of willpower I have not to lay waste to the cousin for his role in my family’s distraction.

    I love that my son invited my new GF to attend. She was also my childhood girlfriend who I met at age 5! After DDay I went five years without any female companionship, by choice, so my ex wife cheater narc cousin fucking family destroying dbag is going to shit her pants is going to shit her pants when she sees who the New GF is

    In your face bitch!

  • Hope, don’t feel bad about losing Meh, it happens to everyone. Learn from it and move forward. It if makes you feel any better, I lost Meh so badly once the first time I realized my cheater was with a newer, younger woman that I wrote him a profile on Cheaterland *gulp* Yep, I did that. Can’t take it back. But I got back on the Meh-train to Meh soon after, and have resisted subsequent temptations to lose my shit and go medieval on his ass. These turds aren’t worth losing our dignity over but sometimes we do. Hugs!

  • This is a perfect post today, as this past Sunday I was going to a concert and my oldest daughter found out her dad would be attending the same one (of course the OW/his whore would be by his side, no doubt). I went from having a pretty good day to being physically sick to my stomach and an emotional mess. Thank God, my grown daughters have such compassion and they talked me off the ledge and I shook myself off, straightened my crown and went. Had a great time and best of all I never saw the two of them. However, I was secretly hoping my ex saw me, happy and having fun and regrets what he lost!!! Definitely not at MEH yet but one day I will be.

    • Good for you, Blindsided! Often the scene we imagine is much worse than the actual event. Glad you didn’t have to see him after all.

  • I always wondered why my husband of 30 years insisted on attending the annual weekend reunion of his summer teenage camp. He spoke glowingly of his guy firends and how they enjoyed getting together for some canoeing and campfires. Fine, I thought it was male bonding and always sent him off with my blessing. Turns out those old friends closed ranks so tight that none of them ever let on that ex’s mistress throughout our marriage, an old GF from those camp days, ALSO attended the reunions. She never married, instead laying in wait until our kids were grown and she could enjoy her retirement with the lurv of her life. A bit like Camilla waiting for Charles.

    I’m no Diana…but if that beotch dares turn up at my son’s wedding in August and try to play Mom…Let’s just say I’ve been taking boxercise and wouldn’t mind landing my left hook soundly on her fat nose. I know I need to keep my cool but it will really rot my socks to have to see her kibitzing with ex’s sperm clan. They are a horrible bunch of humans, and it breaks my heart that she’s wormed her way into my new DIL’s favour.

    • Turd in the punch bowl, turd in the punch bowl. (C’mon, say it with me! Turd in the punch bowl.)

      IF that whore shows up to your son’s wedding, YOUR girlfriends will make her miserable by giving her the stink-eye and maybe whispering to each other within eye-shot of her.

      (2×4 alert) YOU will do or say nothing that will sully your son’s wedding, which would break your heart after you let it sink in.

      Meh, I wouldn’t judge you if, after a few glasses of champagne, your circle of girlfriends had some hearty laughs together (she is NOT welcome at your table).

      Maybe ask son to talk to his dad and specifically un-invite the whore? (WHAT A FUCKING WHORE SHE IS.) But if she shows, you go all classy and show the broad what it’s like to be a GREAT woman instead of some side-fuck.

      • Marci’s wedding tale is even worse than she states above. If I remember correctly, OWhore and future DIL are tight as thieves, and so OWhore is at the wedding table instead of Marci. Just typing that makes me want to join Marci in kickboxing lessons and help her out at the wedding. (and Marci–that offer for margaritas + chips/salsa, as a wedding alternative, still stands).

            • Thanks fellow Chump friends for your ra-ra. I am in the sad position of not having been “allowed” to invite any of my own friends to the wedding. Even my bestie of 40 years, herself a chump, and my rock through all the drama. I think OW has had many years of wishing to take my place. She presides at my former matronial home (a nice mansion in an affluent city suburb) and entertains my sons and their GF’s at holidays. The son who is being married is cordial with me, but is the same stinking control freak as his father. He simply follows the money, and father has more than I do. It’s very obvious. His father did the same thing with his own parents.

              My own sister has been excluded because apparently she offended the bride with some crack about OW, and this past weekend I had a long talk with my brother who lives in France and could afford to come across for the wedding, but he declined to do so. He said he could not refrain from speaking his mind, so better to avoid it all.

              Their reasoning…not to be unsupportive of me, but because they think I made the best move ever to escape the clan (ex’s extended sperm clan are a bunch of wealthy arses who delight in exercising their power. Not a shred of kindness among them. My late MIL was the only one who was kind to me and kept them all in line. It is no coincidence that I left three days after her funeral. She would have been shocked to know her perfect son (cheater ex) had a concubine all those years.

              I’ve never had a gaggle of girlfriends, just social ones really, so I can’t even imagine having a posse at the wedding. That is more the style of the outlaw SIL’s and quite likely they will do something like this to me. I dread it, but I know I can simply leave when it gets too much. We are stayong nearby the wedding venue. I am only nervous because I truly would prefer my present partner not have to see what they are really like. Our life is happy and peaceful.

              Anyway, strangely, if I don’t dwell on it too much, my happy European life is just fine. I leave near the ocean and spend mynon working hours in a very relaxed lifestyle. The trip to the wedding is a one-off. Whether I am ever close to grandchildren is yet to be known, but I’m not counting on that.

              Thanks Tempest for your kindness and offer of chump-support. I wish we chumps had labels on our foreheads so we could find suitable friends faster!

              • Marci,
                I’m so sorry but your son is an ass. It’s not just your future “cough,cough” DIL’s wedding. To let a woman not his mother be at the head table while his mother is sitting on the sidelines!!!
                Your dignity and grace will outshine their stupefying disrespect in the long run. Sounds like DIL is cut from the same cloth as OW and cheater. Does not bode well for your son.

  • Oh, how I adore the turd-in-the-punch-bowl metaphor. (As much as I loved the sparkly turd metaphor.) I daresay I enjoyed a few internal giggles when The Coward showed up to whatever school function (clueless, of course, but, in his defense, supporting in the way he felt he could). I used to be nervous–sometimes he’d be on the sidelines texting the slutty twat in a way that shot arrows through my heart. I used to have my head on a swivel, scanning for him so I would know whether or not I could just relax. Many, many times he wouldn’t show or would sit well away from me, and, mercifully, he never brought the slutty twat to our children’s events. (Why on EARTH would she want to come? Why would he dream of advertising what a completely insensitive DICK he is? As a covert narc it was easier to play the mild-mannered sheepishly “split-up” former soccer coach single dad….) When CL finally taught us about the turd in the punch bowl, I would have a little laugh at his expense and act as though he wasn’t there at all. I got a lot of miles out of this one. Thanks, CL!

  • Hi all, it’s me Specialist In Hope. Thank you all for your support, I’m blown away that CL answered my letter so quickly.
    Turd Burglar really pushed my buttons yesterday. I suspected Lolita might be there, but it was a shock. What really broke my heart was my 7 year old spending the entire time he performed with his class, looking at Turd Burglar and Lolita. I’d taken the afternoon off work to attend the concert. I won’t get paid for those hours of work I missed and to turn up and see my son besotted with Turd Burglar and Lolita was horrible.
    Some background- Turd Burglar was a serial cheater. I’m guessing he slept with at least 10 women and 1 man throughout our 16 year relationship. He screwed a prostitute when I was pregnant with our daughter, didn’t use protection. He is a mental health nurse and screwed an ex patient when our son was a newborn. The final straw was him fucking a 18 year old mental health patient- he was sacked and I finally left him. He is a disgusting, vile human being. Yet here he is with a girlfriend literally 20 years younger than him. She is from England, he’s in Australia. They met online and she came out here to visit 12 months ago and now. She’s here for 2 months and is living with Turd Burglar and MY kids (50/50 shared custody). It’s like some bizarro world- playing happy families.
    So yesterday, the instant the concert was over, he sent her off to the car to wait- its very obvious he doesn’t want the two of us to meet. He’s playing the Crazy Ex Wife card, but he is shit scared I will tell her his filthy secrets if she’s within earshot of me. Anyway, I told him he was disgusting for bringing her along, his response being that I need to move on and get over it. He called her his “partner”, to which I burst out laughing. It’s just so laughable. It’s so bad and cliched that it’s funny. She’s hiding in the car from the Crazy Ex? So Many Kibbles for him! I’m sure it will sustain him for months. I see now that he wanted a reaction and I gave it. Sigh. Next time I’ll do better I’m sure.

    • Let yourself off the hook, SiHope. Now you know not to feed into his narrative of crazy Ex wife (and Lolita will soon find out who the crazy one is). The path to recovery is full of stumbles; you’re good as long as you keep moving forward.

      • Absolutely, I’m going to keep moving forward! This has just reinforced to me the need for no contact. I’m being kind to myself today- I can see why I reacted the way I did and it’s ok. I don’t have to lose all the meh I’d built up, it’s there still and I’ll continue to build on it.

  • Agree with Chump Lady that breeding with a fucktard is shit sandwich buffet you have to eat for years.

    Our twenty two year old, mentally ill son is in rehab for substance abuse. Again. Only this time, because I now pay private insurance, rehab came with a $300 copay. I emailed X last Thursday asking for his half as outlined in our divorce agreement. Haven’t heard back yet. And won’t.

    But, want to talk about god fucking with me? I had to bring my son his meds on Monday because rehab can’t get his prescriptions filled for a week. So randomly, I show up to drop them off. As I walk up to the building, there’s creepy X walking up at the same time, staring at me like I’m on fire.

    I brought my son his medication. He brought him a bible. Guess he’s going to pray for him while I pay for him.

    Yeah, that sounds about even, right? In bizarro world. FML

    • C & L–I hope your son benefits from his treatment this time. Dealing with someone with abuse issues is a gut-wrenching marathon, and knowing you are the sane parent is scarce recompense. Hugs.

    • I feel your silence from X. Little did I know all those years ago when we went to 50/50 for all “agreed upon expenses” didn’t mean that we would share in raising our son. I meant that he would only pay for 50% of what was agreed to and if he never responded then he never agreed, hence he never paid for anything. Even when something little happened with the car that I bought our son. He had no interest in getting it fixed for our son, just told our son to call his mother.

      I will never understand these turds. Take care.

  • Best way to “meh” for me has been laughter. Stbx can’t seem to manage to do anything without his current girlfriend showing up. He brought her to our home and went through our financial papers together (that nastiness got him locked out of the house!) I don’t think he ever told her that he wouldn’t admit to me that she was a girlfriend – glad I got that on video. She showed up at my son’s college move-in day and announced to the roommate’s mom that they were a “blended family” (lots of eye-rolls and giggles at that one!) and has now shown up at court with stbx twice. Both times to my benefit! Their constant drama and attention-seeking has won me one court motion (yay!) and had the court security called. Everytime they try to make it all about them all I can do is laugh. Laugh at the fact that she keeps him on a short leash and can’t trust him to do anything on his own. Laugh at the fact that the “prize” she has abandoned his own kids and had to be taken to court to be forced to pay child support. Laugh at the fact that anyone that loved my family has lost all respect for him – and no one will ever look at him the same and think of him as the “nice guy” ever again. He lies and lies to anyone and everyone. He’ll always be the guy that cheated on his wife with another scout leader and was fired from two jobs (or was it three?) for affairs with coworkers. He’s a joke and a creep. Laugh and love the freedom!

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