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Dear Chump Lady, I’m obsessed with the tall, blonde Other Woman

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barbiHello,

I have this unhealthy obsession over the woman my ex-boyfriend of two years left me for.

A year after it happened I still cannot get them out of my mind. She was married and left her husband and two kids to be with my now ex. I’m pretty sure he started the whole thing and not the other way round. He didn’t have the courage to leave me but started a relationship with her while slow-fading out of ours. I still cannot believe he did that. I just didn’t think he was the type of person who behaved that way and I sometimes still have trouble understanding or accepting it.

This woman is tall, blonde (the quintessential Swede) and he seems madly in love with her. I’m just average-looking and feel less than compared to her. I really don’t want to obsess over her but I find myself comparing myself to her constantly and wondering “why her and not me?”, which is just stupid.

I suppose some of it has to do with the fact that I really thought he was a lovely person. Constant, stable, honest. I’m having trouble accepting that he is the person he turned out to be — someone who wasn’t honest in the least and who didn’t have the courage to sit me down and tell that he was unhappy and wanted out. Instead, he chose to start something behind my back and hope that I wouldn’t make too much of a fuss, while he slowly exited our relationship by seeing less of me, taking longer to get back to messages, stopped texting/phoning, trying to push me away by behaving badly or telling me bad things about himself that he knew I would find unacceptable (who knows if they were actually true?) etc…

It’s been a year that they’ve been together now and I really didn’t think this thing would last. Her children don’t talk to her anymore because she ran off and left them behind, but whenever I see her, she seems to be happy. She certainly doesn’t look like someone who is suffering. I’m just so jealous and I have no idea why. Because he picked her? He’s not exactly a reference for someone I want as a long-term partner, is he? So, why the jealousy and why the obsession over the girl he picked?

LilyPad

Dear LilyPad,

Let’s examine your values.

What’s better? To be a tall, Nordic blonde whose beauty is so all-powerful that it can make “stable, honest” men give leave of their senses? Or to be an average-looking person who would never abandon her children?

When you’re jealous, you’re voting for the first option.

What does she have that I don’t have? (Other than your boyfriend…)

Happiness! How do you really know? Quit social media stalking. If the truth is that she broke up her family, how happy can she really be? Joy requires depth. Abandonment requires sociopathy. Don’t envy the disordered.

Height! It’s not everything. Blondness! Anyone can be blonde. Scandinavian! Shop at Ikea. Eat lingonberries.

Why on earth are you comparing yourself to this person? Because she’s so powerful to steal your boyfriend? She didn’t steal him, you say he pursued her. Because she’s some ideal woman that every man wants? Most men would like to marry a woman who sticks around to raise their children. Most men would like a woman who doesn’t cheat on him. The men who just want Barbie, aren’t men. They’re man children playing with toys.

Consider your values and who you aspire to be. Consider the “prize” you lost — a guy that’s perfectly okay with dating a married woman. He’s happy to fuck over some chump (excuse me, save her from a controlling, sexless, horrible marriage). And he’s super okay with the collateral damage of children. Sorry about your parent’s impending divorce — I got a leggy blonde!

What is there to miss here? Who you THOUGHT he was? We all thought we partnered with honest, stable, loving people. Until the humiliating realization that we didn’t.

He pushed you away — telling me bad things about himself that he knew I would find unacceptable.

When people tell you bad, unacceptable things about themselves? LISTEN! Stop projecting your values on to them, and LISTEN. If you find these things “unacceptable” and then stick around and accept them? You’re signaling that you are a chump. That your boundaries are open to persuasion. That you’re not terribly certain of your values, or of what people tell you, because you’re deeply invested in your spackle.

You said you mug AARP members for their bingo money? But, but! You’re so stable and honest!

When he started ghosting you and treating you like crap and “behaving badly”? That was your clue to dump HIM. To say, “these behaviors are unacceptable to me.” To enforce your boundaries.

You’re lost in untangling the skein (otherwise known as his taste in blondes), instead of untangling your OWN skein — why did you tolerate this jerk? Because you thought he was someone else? Not a good enough answer, after he SHOWED you who he was.

Trust that they suck.

This column ran previously.

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Ask Chump Lady

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  • I….won’t deny I’ve been guilty of this, especially where Rhys and Annie were concerned. She was closer to his age, a bit more worldly, certainly in better shape – but I had to realize later that Rhys was probably using my info against her too, i.e. “Oh she’s so young, she’ll go anywhere I go, she’ll be the mother of my children…”

    • I’m feeling jealous of nameless and most likely blameless women (he listed himself as single on the dating site) because clearly he felt that these strangers were worth more to him than investing time and effort into the relationship with me. It sucks and makes me sooooo angry. I am really better off not knowing these women and never seeing or talking to him again. I think I’ve been doing the pick me dance for a long time without even knowing it. He can rot in hell.

  • We all get messed up by looking at affairs through our own lens? How could he lie to me and hurt me? How could she leave her children? How could they be happy?
    Hard for us chumps to understand because we don’t lie to people, we would do most anything for our kids, and when our actions hurt others, we empathize, feel the pain of others, and reflect upon our role in creating that pain. If appropriate, we apologize and change our behavior.
    Cheaters don’t care about anyone other than themselves and their “happiness” – everyone else be damned. They can’t feel anyone else’s pain – and worst of all they ego protect, meaning they don’t think their actions had anything to do with any subsequent fallout.
    So yeah – they are probably happy – and it hurts like a bitch to feel you were left roadside.
    But you are soooooooo lucky to see this now and not 30 years down the road.
    Peace.

    • This was a perfect response.
      We all like to hope they aren’t happy, they are in the worlds most messed up way.
      You worded it perfectly. Thank you, this helped me today.

      • I adopted a very different take on this from a forum thread by Stephanie last week. I am GLAD my X is happy with his shallow little world, 20-year younger girlfriend, fab lifestyle & his swish new house. Why? Because, like everyone else here, I am a chump. Sadness is my siren’s song; if I think a person I know is distressed or unhappy, it might be required being tied to the mast to prevent me from trying to help.

        Now, I have utter contempt for my X and his character, and like to think I would rebuff any efforts to feel sorry for him. And perhaps I would behaviorally refuse to engage with him, even if he contacted me lamenting his errors and what he had lost. But I might *feel* badly for him, and that would cause him to invade my headspace in an undesirable way. Much better he convinces himself he is King of the World and stays the fuck away from me.

        • Tempest,

          Stays the fuck away from you, YES!

          Sounds like he is the Ken doll type and he has his Barbie!

          YOU are so far above them and their shitty characters and it shows Tempest.

          You got class girl!

          ?

        • This times 1000+. Looking back this is exactly how he reeled me back in after DDay#1. And how I violate my own boundaries with parenting time. He is sooooo good at making me feel sorry for him and I am a fixer.

    • Amen, TiredChump!
      I’m so tired of the self-serving “I wanna be Happy” that trumps all other responsibilities and feelings of others.

      • Shagabags g plus tag line they used to communicate through ‘life is to short to be unhappy’
        Home wrecking shallow bitch.

        • Ah crap! I thought I was the only one to hear that line . ….from both of them. They think they are so unique in this line of thinking! “Destroy families, children, so what; as long as I’m HAPPY!”. Classic narcissist.

      • STBX said wistfully, “There must be Happiness out there. . .”

        My Happiness? It doesn’t fucking matter.

    • Yep…happy at another’s expense does not typically jive well with the universe. They’re in their own world, and you need to trust that it’s a world you do not want to be a part of. Our pleas for reason/understanding/empathy only fall on deaf ears.

    • I am thirty years down and it is not pretty! My whole life has been a lie! You are so lucky to have found out early!

      • Same here. And it fucking pisses me off. I feel like my entire adult life has been a sham. What a douchbag. In the end, he will be a lonely old man hoarding his money that he suckered out of competent hard working women. Unless he has his long overdue heart attack, which I dearly hope happens before the divorce is final. Bleh!! I’m not at meh, but I’m at bleh, which is a mixture of contempt and disgust, which is better than I was six months ago.

        • Hah, I like your description of bleh, I now realise thats why I am not at meh, I am stuck in bleh, which is indeed still way better than the stages before. I might just stay at bleh forever.

    • Tired chump…amazigly spot on! That 2nd paragraph…i need to remember, they really just dont care. Thank you lilypad, i wanted to know, understand, but there is no understanding crazy. Period. Just thank god its ended and remember, you dodged a massive bullet. Hugs doll.

  • This column ran a bit ago. The message is the same : Cheaters and their APs are not magical. Behind the curtain they are turds. All of them. It’s pretty rational for chumps to want to know where they failed in the relationship. Bring with someone without moral integrity is an Arrangement. Cheaters do not form healthy bonds. You can ßtalk their social media and will find their facades. Glittering poo is still poo..

    • Exactly. Depending on how long ago this ran, she might not appear so happy anymore. Before I became the NC queen, I got glimpses into Xhole and Shrek’s life. In the beginning they seemed happy. Now, 4 years later, not so much. I know for a fact he’s miserable and she is getting some of that same nastiness I once got when he decided he didn’t want to be married anymore. And the best part is I didn’t go looking for the information and I didn’t care when it fell into my lap.
      It’s so hard to believe in the beginning, but listen to CL, we need to trust that they suck.

      • After enduring the “well, they seem so happy!” comments from people for over a year, I was convinced that maybe they were meant to be together. Not so much now.
        The bill always comes due.
        Also, the tall Nordic goddess trope that everyone fears is usually not the case. My husband left me for someone who looks like Velma’s (Scooby Doo) great aunt.
        The affair partner has lots of time and energy to stroke egos , build validation towers and craft a equally beneficial narrative where they are soul mates.
        Then when the chumped spouse splits, they have to pay bills together, handle human problems and share a bathroom.
        Nothing takes the bloom off the rose like scrubbing a toilet that’s been hideously befouled by your former white hot lover.

    • Yes they are both turds. I need to hear this today. I know that it is STBX I should mostly resent and be mad at, but Schmoopie’s a turd too for being his accomplice in all of this. She isn’t a good person as he tries to portray her. He hasn’t introduced her to the kids yet (as his girlfriend – they met once before DDay), but he has started introducing her around to his family. His family has been supportive of me all along, but I fear that will change. He is introducing her around so they can see how “wonderful” she is and will understand why he had to let go of boring old me for her. He wants to just shuffle me aside and slip her in after 25 years together. Forget Chumpinrecoery, I have a new and improved girl now. Aren’t you all happy for me? My biggest anxiety is that they will like her and be happy for him and I will just be seen as the bitter ex wife. I know it isn’t nice of me to think this way, but being replaced when I didn’t do anything wrong just hurts so much.

      STBX’s aunt to whom I have always been close invited him and her to the July 3rd fireworks at a private venue. This is a traditional invite every year. I thought she might invite him and the kids and I would respectfully bow out. Even that would have hurt, but this is worse. Why would she want to spend that time with two people who have no morals or compassion? This is the same aunt that sent me flowers for Mother’s Day to thank me for being such a good mother to her grand nieces and nephews. Of course I will never complain to her because she has a right to make friends with whoever she wants, but it does hurt. We aren’t even divorced yet and he is already replacing me at traditional family events and his aunt is going along with it. At least the kids won’t be there.

      Now I am also wondering about STBX’s motivations for letting it slip about that invite. We had a meeting with the mediators today. It was very productive and I was feeling pretty good about how it went. At the end I was asking him who would get the 4th this year as we don’t have the schedule all nailed down yet. Instead of just saying, “you can have the 4th” he told me about where he would be on the 3rd and with whom, “so ok, you can have the 4th”. Is he trying to triangulate using his family to make me feel worse? I need to try hard not to rise to that bait. I don’t’ want to look bad in front of his family. I am so glad this site exists so I have somewhere to vent without making a complete fool of myself.

      • @Chumpinrecovery *hugs* I’m so sorry you’re going through this hurt.

        Personally, I found the kindest thing I could do for myself was bow out from the in-laws. They wanted to play Switzerland, which was absolutely understandable, X was still their son, but it broke my heart. I sent the whole family an email saying that I loved them, but for my life to move on I’d have to step away from them- it was unfair to make them feel like they were choosing sides or splitting loyalties, and so I was detaching with love.

        Once I cut all contact, I grieved but felt 100% better. I had my own family and friends, I didn’t need to Pick Me Dance with his side. Kids can still see them but with their father; it’s up to HIM to continue and facilitate familial relations. Our jobs in that regard are done.

        You’ll start to feel better soon, I promise. Take care.

        • Very well said! My ex hated to do anything with his family and I found he usually used me or the kids events as excuses not to attend functions. Many times, I didn’t even know we had missed something the rest of his family attended. Now he’s going to everything and ‘dropping by’ his siblings homes when he’s in town. I figure it now looks like I was the Ogre. It definitely hurts that they don’t even seem to care, no one has reached out to me after 20 years of marriage.

          Nothing I can do about any of this. I’m wondering how he was planning to introduce his 20-something year old schmoopie (our daughter’s high school soccer coach) to his 86 y.o. mother and the rest of his siblings and in-laws.

          I think the twu Schmoopie luv has imploded and now he’s all sad sausage. I almost feel bad for him. Now I’m seeing Tempest’ point of view that she’s happy hers is still with his schmoopie so she doesn’t have to feel guilt or sad for turd.

          • My inlaws went silent. I’ve known these people for 20+yrs. in fact cheater’s own mom married 2 cheating narcs, so I thought there would be some sort of communication.

            What I learned is that narc / sociopathy may be partially ‘nature’. Even so, those tendencies cannot produce disordered fruit unless the environment cultivates it = nurture.

            Hindsight is a full-on 20/20. It IS a blessing to be exorcised from disordered dysfunction. My kids still have a relationship with that side of the family. However, I do NOT do anything to promote it outside of having the kids write thank you notes for occasional gifts. Asshat doesn’t engage with his family and it ceased being my job long ago.

            Build healthy relationships with those who are authentic. That’s what your kids will remember.

        • “it was unfair to make them feel like they were choosing sides or splitting loyalties” This is the heart of the matter. I don’t want to do that to his family. I still want to have a relationship with them, however. Right now it is hard not to want to talk to them negatively about STBX (and hard for some of them too) so I often do just stay away. I hope that as time goes on and I heal, that I will be able to continue to have a relationship with them that is separate from their relationship with STBX.

          Today was just difficult because it seems inappropriate for him to be parading her around when we are not even divorced yet. Of course I didn’t think it was appropriate for them to be fucking each other while we were still married either so I guess this shouldn’t shock me. Now that I have had more time to reflect, I don’t think the aunt has extended the invitation because she actually wants to hang with Shmoopie, but if she wants to have a relationship with her nephew (which she should), she has to accept Schmoopie too.

      • Good riddance to your ex….he’s a real piece of work. You’re right, he could have just said you take the kids on the 4th instead of rubbing in your face that he is taking OW to the family event. I’m afraid you are going to have to disengage from his family and at this point there is no reason not to be civil in doing so but I wouldn’t be too concerned what his family thinks or doesn’t think at this point.

      • Dear Chumpinrecovery,
        On this site, you are so correct, no one ever makes a fool of themself. We all feel safe here.
        Cheater’s inflict a pain on a chump that NO ONE else will ever understand!
        Yes, each Chump is completely safe here.

        Some of CN may be aware of some of my posts in the past. ( in a way I look upon myself as a good example to young Chumps to RUN, NO CONTACT, all the positive steps in escaping a cheater). I pick me danced, he did all the positive things to stay. I let him. Has it been easy. No, but life is not easy. That is why we are all here for each other. We all have different pasts, presents and futures.
        CL, CN enable us to come together, to hold each other up, to listen, to care, to make each day as good as possible for each other. We are all blessed that way.
        YOU are a very caring person, a loving Mother. It shows in your posts.
        25 years together is a long time. You love his family and it is so unfair that you would have to lose them and their affection. My response on that is probably a little different than most. Perhaps you could take each person on an individual basis. I am thinking that many of them have seen your true character for 25 years. Many of them have seen your stbx’s character too, for even longer.
        As the days pass by and if trying to stay in touch and be accepted and loved by them plays too heavy on your heart, then maybe no contact with them too is for the best. In your heart Chumpinrecovery, you will know. You will know.
        This would magnify your pain and I am so sorry. You have been and you are the good, sane, loving person here.
        If contact with stbx’s family does not work out they are the losers, big time. Try to be kind to yourself, take it slowly, try not to worry,
        You are mighty to keep on loving them, to keep on trying.
        Always remember, CN is on your side.
        Xxx

        • That was a lovely, heartwarming response Peacekeeper. <3

          ((Chumpinrecovery)) I'm so sorry that you have to go through this blatant disrespect. One technique I read is to view anyone who attempts to bully you as a mere Child (no offense to innocent children out there). A child can play all the petty tricks in the world, but ultimately you possess greater authority over yourself and your actions that they cannot hijack.

      • Not complaining about invites by Aunts, yes – yes, she has a right to make friends where she wants – but BE HONEST. Tell your ex’s family how you feel. You don’t need to sound bitter. A little bit of reality never hurts and your ex’s family may well be embarrassed, charmed by your ex or don’t want to lose contact with him, or think it’s OK with you, as he may have claimed. Never forget that they are YOUR in-Laws and your childrens’ relatives. You deserve to have support from them and your kids deserve to have a relationship with them when grown up. You’ve had a relationship with them for 25 years and why should your ex’s actions disturb that? They are now your family every bit as much as his. Cheaters actions have huge ripples that spread out well beyond the two (three) principal figures. Don’t allow his actions to destroy ANY of the rewarding and precious relationships in your life. Many hugs to you today XXX

    • Perfect!! You really can’t polish a turd! Glitter doesn’t change what it’s entire being is!

  • OW “appears” to be happy! This means nothing. Remember: these people are masters of deception. She “appeared” to be a devoted wife and mother, didn’t she? I’d guess her ex-husband and children would say she did. So, whatever she “appears” to be is almost certainly not what she truly is.

    In the end, that’s the best reason to stop with the social media stalking of such folks. You’re obsessing over illusions without substance, shadow puppets on the wall. How can you care what a shadow puppet does?

    A corollary to “trust that they suck”: “trust that they lie.”

    • Amen to the addition of trust that they lie! I will be adding that now every time I tell myself trust he sucks,

    • Bravo, Nomar. Well said. And keeping up appearances is tiring. Let’s see what kind of “happiness” that will generate in the long run…

    • Social media has been great for keeping me in touch with friends I knew a long time ago and who live far away, but it’s good for little else, IMHO. (Okay, maybe the baby panda videos….) Every time I find myself starting to envy someone based on their FB page, I remind myself of the time I posted some pics from a ski trip I took, looking all happy with my frosty mug of beer, when I knew I’d been crying over the whole Dday/divorce not five minutes previously. And I personally SUCK at image-management, so imagine the power said weapon could wield in those who are born, King Arthur-like, to draw that sword from the stone? People aren’t who they appear. For all you know, Lilypad, that leggy Swede leaves skid marks in her undies and cuts her toenails at the dining room table.

      • Part of the shit of “be happy at any cost to anyone” for me is based on social media. Idiot cheater was so sure “everyone else is 100% happy in their relationship and I deserve that too”, from staring at everyone on Facebook. If he was at all interested in our life he would have been too. He told me that he was probably 80% happy and wanted more sex. And (right after D-day) that he hard part of a relationship was finding someone you were sexually compatible with. And that the friendship/other part of a relationship was easy to find. Guess what percentage happy he is now and how easy it was for him and the whoremat and how perfect twu wuv soulmates they are
        ???

    • Just cannot imagine leaving my boys for some glittery bloke, I try to imagine but just can’t do it. What kind of women can have such a weak bond with her own children ?

      • Same, Lady B, I would walk through fire for my child, and fight tooth and nail to keep her with me. It speaks to some inherent defect in The Leggy Swede and others IMO that they could just act like their children are a toy to be put into a cupboard to be forgotten, conveniently out of sight out of mind. And the suppression of any kind of guilt or feeling about shitting on your kids from such a great height. I would be a wreck if I was forced to leave her, let alone chose to, I just couldn’t live with myself.

    • Yes! Yes! Yes!
      Trust that they lie!
      Let us amend the chump constitution to add that. It’s a true lesson.

  • My ex and his Ho-worker remind me of this farm I see frequently in my job travels…

    From a distance it looks beautiful with a large white house, big front porch and white board fence. As you get closer, you realize the fence is actually a dirty gray, the paint is chipping on the house, the porch is sagging and there are shingles missing from the roof.

    Yes, anything can look great from a distance (AKA Fakebook) but upon closer inspection, it needs lots of work to look presentable.

    • Funny…where I used to live, I passed a house at an intersection on the way to work that was the same — large and quite grand looking from the outset, but if you were sitting at the stop sign for long enough you could notice the chipping paint, shutters in the process of coming off, scraggly landscaping…clearly more house/property than what could be managed by the folks living there. Noticed this before things started to fall apart in my life, but started to think of it as a metaphor once they did. Especially since I was seeing it every day. Would you rather be/be with a great big falling apart house or a modest-sized, cared-for house?

  • My son came back from dinner with Stbx last week and said stbx had told him he is the happiest he has ever been. Really, you rarely see your kids, 3 of them not at all, your dad is dying of ALS, you are in the middle of a high conflict divorce but fucking schnoopie trumps all. Nice.

    Truth: truly happy people don’t have to tell you they are happy, it just shows. These disordered think if they post sparkly happy Facebook pictures, it must be true. Truly happy people wouldn’t rub their happiness in the face of people who aren’t and tell them you need to be happy because I am. Instead, they would show compassion and humility.

    Someone had a fabulous post a couple of weeks ago which I can’t quote directly but I think about all the time: emotionally healthy people don’t go around looking for people who are down and telling them to get their shit together and move on. So just remember that social media glitz is just a fucktard rubbing your face in shit!

    • As someone posted in the past “If you have to say you is, you ain’t !” Personally,I admire humility in others…

      • Absolutely! Anybody old enough to remember those t-shirts with “Classy Lady” printed on them? I always thought anyone wearing one ought to be considered to be in violation of the truth-in-advertising laws.

  • Don’t buy the “fake happiness! It’s just smoke and mirrors. She is just another victim who will regret having chucked her life and kids for this guy one day. Your Ex will suck the life out of her then discard her too. She is only useful to him as long as she 1) looks good on his arm. 2) provides him with supply for his ego. Either he will dump her or she’ll start seeing the mask slip and she will leave him. Don’t envy her, pity her! She lost a lot more than he did in this game. And it is a game to your Ex. You should consider yourself lucky because you don’t have to play anymore.

    • Plus she is a piece of shit herself! Whose to say that she won’t trade up on your ex? If she could toss her kids and husband then why wouldn’t she toss him too? And if she’s real life Cheating Whorescum Barbie when some other douche comes around sparkling harder than your BF did then she’ll probably drop him like a bad habit and move onto the next one.

  • Any woman who would desert her children to be with a loser scumbag cheater is a psychopath, I don’t care what anyone says.

    “Jealousy” is a strange emotion. I’m not really sure what prompts it, but I too felt it toward the ow. It probably had to do with the fact that assturd cheater held her on such a highhhhh pedestal, while treating me like dirt.

    I myself projected his vision of her “wonder” onto her. In my mind she was a glamourous, gorgeous, younger, thinner, successful career woman. In reality, she is almost 50 years old, with an average job similar to mine. She ignored her own child so she could sneak around with a lying cheating creep who was over 50 himself. Damn, that is a glamorous life right there. As far as how she looks, I saw her a few times over a decade ago, and she was average, I guess. I say that because I can’t actually remember what she looked like. Anyway, the woman is pathetic, and any married man who wants her is pathetic, too.

  • The whore OW ex left me for after 34 years, was a downgrade from me but he (his words : “she has bigger tits than you”) said he loved her. How can anyone think like that? So sick..

    I lost a breast to cancer then had a breast reduction- so I was no longer attractive to him. Hurt like a mother fucker but realized then how shallow & evil he really was.

    Still not at “meh” after 2 years but hoping my anguish eventually goes away.

      • That right there is your button they push to cause you the most pain . That is the aim of the game . What is your worst emotional scenario ….let me create it for you…. mine was wanting another baby desperately. Ok not life and death but he got a vasectomy anyway and swore up and down no more kids ever he was happy with his offspring. No….6 months after leaving our 25 year relationship and 3 beautiful kids he talks straight away about having a baby with this random woman. We went to counseling about this for God’s sake. It is like they save up all the shitty ist shit to throw at us when the discard happens. It makes them feel in charge without having any emotional responsiblity. SICK

      • Kathleen

        For every compassion less asshole, there is a shining star. You are the shining star, Kathleen. Not only do we share your pain; we share the gift of hope in living an authentic life.

    • I’m so sorry. You are so much more of a person than he is, surgery or not. And I’m sure he’s a perfect specimen of a man, right? Physically without flaws?

    • That is cold. I sometimes think it’s a gift when they say something so completely deplorable that their true character shines through. The people I love, I love all the more for their scars and battle wounds.

    • Wow, how someone (particularly your own spouse) could say something like that to you, knowing what you’ve been through just says it all. Good riddance to that scum.

      • Thank you friends., for your compassion
        Knowing others understand the pain let’s me know I’m not alone.

        Thank God for chumps like us who give support when we need it. CN is a blessing for me..
        It’s gotten me thru hard days & nights ??

        • Kathleen,

          Anyone who predicated their relationship with you (after being with you all that time) on the size of your breasts and/or whether or not you had breasts was never worthy of you. And what an abusive dirt bag to use that as an excuse for why he is a shallow, worthless asshole. “I’m not a shallow POS who is incapable of authentic, lasting love. I just like a certain type of breasts.” So all of your other fine qualities mean nothing without the right number of and sized breasts?

          Continue to mourn him as long as you need, but eventually you will appreciate that the trash took itself out. (((HUGS)))

          • Their views of sex and love are stuck in the development stage of 13 year old entering puberty. They never outgrow the excitement of a forbidden pornographic image and it shapes their desire to control women!

        • My mom and dad will have been married happily for 50 years in November. 11 years ago she had a B/L mastectomy with no reconstruction and my dad loves her more today than he ever did. He misses her boobs but he weeps at the thought of living a life without HER. She’s his everything, and he is hers.
          Kathleen, your ex is not a man. He is a coward. He makes me sick.

        • Sweetheart, you know what real love looks like – that makes you beautiful, whatever size or shape or number of breasts you have! Many of us here have been told we’re ‘not fuckable’ any more. Because of our age or what we look like. And most of us here know that if love is there, none of that matters, we make love to the person, not to the body. Sending you much love today Kathleen xxx

    • YOU
      are a beautiful, (inside and outside), person, Kathleen!

      He can go take a flying leap, or we, your CN friends, can push him, ooopppsss!

    • I hope that in spite of the hurt of that rejection you can take comfort in the fact that he chose physical appendages over a woman who loved him and her family so much that she wanted to bring another child into the world to share that love. You are deep and whole, and he is shallow as a sidewalk puddle. His loss. Your pain. I’m so sorry.

    • Kathleen, that is chilling. With assholes like that, you’d better not get sick or old. BTW, the Fucktard ex told me that my replacement part was younger, thinner, and prettier, AND had bigger tits. I remembered that when I developed breast cancer a decade later, and I knew without a doubt that if the asshat hadn’t made his exit when he did, he would have done it when I got sick. It was good to know that I hadn’t wasted even more of my precious time, and that no one was going to sabotage my recovery. Youth and beauty are fleeting, as are bra sizes. It’s what’s underneath that counts. Your ex is incurably blind. Hugs to you.

      • Survivor..

        I’m glad you didn’t waste any more time with the narc dirt bag . Someday they too will be old & sick ., they will die alone with or without they OW
        they left us for.

        By that time , he might regret leaving us for what he gave up. Hopefully we will not care how or what his demise is like.

        Myself..I hope my ex tastes some of the pain he gave me. The world will be better off without evil, selfish psychopaths in it.

        God bless you. Stay healthy & strong.

        • Kathleen,

          That narc dirt bag married his student soon after our divorce was final. He divorced her two years later, and came back looking for me. I did not respond, and heard nothing more from him. I made myself a fine life, and eventually met a wonderful man who was totally supportive during the second hardest time in my life, brought to me by cancer. He is now my husband (something I swore I’d never, ever consider again). Long story short, I was alerted to the narc dirt bag’s untimely death at age 57 when his obit appeared in a national publication some months after the fact.. I dropped a note to his former colleague and mentor and got the whole story.

          The Fucktard narc dirt bag ex completely unraveled without his dutiful chump to mend the leaks in his dike. He and his esteemed university were sued for defamation after he sent a campuswide email accusing a colleague (who was fucking the same student) of wrongdoing and bad character and lying. He got the student, but lost his job as a tenured professor and chair of his department. Some money changed hands to end the lawsuit. Then the poor sad sausage got sick himself. Malignant melanoma from far too many decades of overtanning his extraordinary self. And peripheral neuropathy, perhaps from the treatments, perhaps from his alcoholism. With chronic opioid addiction due to the pain. He lost his longtime federal grants for drug research at the other esteemed local university because of his drug use. And he lost his license as a clinical psychologist. I was told he was six years in and out of a number of nursing facilities (he was often asked to leave), with perhaps a week at home with a 24-hour caretaker from time to time. He died at home, likely by his own hand by opioid OD, the night before Valentine’s Day. By then, he had offended nearly everyone he knew, including his family. When the Karma Bus stops by, it doesn’t mess around. It may take a while, but in the end some of those narc dirt bags do get what is coming to them.

          Me? I’m heathy now. Triple negative breast cancer is some scary shit, but if it kills you, it does that pretty fast. Over eight years later, that thing is well and truly killed and gone.

          Stay healthy and strong yourself. You don’t need permission. Just do it. Freedom makes the whole world better for a chump.

          • What a story! It’s sad when people burn every bridge and die alone and miserable. And yet the poetic justice of this story makes me want to dance a little jig…

            • It’s sad when they can;t tie their own shoes, and toss off the person who does that for them so they can fuck a child.

              • *gasp*

                Survivor, PERFECT!

                Continually amazed by chump eloquence – we are warrior poets <3

          • Wowza!

            I 100% believe that what you put into this universe, you will get it back. People who are ugly on the inside tend to rot from really bad shit.

            You are mighty!

    • Funny thing about big breasts, they tend to sag, big time. Even the fake implants cannot stand up to gravity. A woman at work divorced her husband (pretty sure someone else was on the horizon), bragged about how she screwed him over in the divorce and as a present to herself she had implants at 36 years old. She is only 42 and already looks like a cow. She is in an off again and on again screwed up relationship that has been going on for 7 years. From her facebook page you would think she is having the time of her life. In real life she is a train wreck.

    • Kathleen;

      That is so cold hearted. I ache for you. My utmost sympathies. It’s mind-blowing how they can disregard our pain and suffering in the name of deceit. They justify their meanness by treating us like garbage. Then they start to believe we ARE garbage and the cycle becomes so abusive and viscous, we lose perspective of our selves and our worth.
      You deserve so much more than that asshole could give you and somewhere inside that sociopathic mind of his, he knew it.
      Better off without them! You are mighty

    • I’m incredibly sorry that happened to you

      What a vicious thing to say to someone. Anyone who says that your means of surviving cancer has made you less attractive to them is an abusive PoS.

  • I’m right there with her! I feel completely obsessed and I hate it and myself at times. I’m still here. My husband says there was no affair. My circumstantial evidence was crazy but literally no definite proof and then….. almost a year ago discovered he was hiding almost our entire savings! I left him for a couple of weeks and only came home because youngest son had a trip planned and I was going also. He showed me all the money and begged forgiveness but hasn’t gone back to counseling. We had two disastrous counselors before the money issue happened. One of them is now divorced since after abusing his wife. Yes, a real counselor!

    He says he didn’t leave and wouldn’t have. One of the things he told me when I left was that he was going to leave. By himself but he just couldn’t do that to our kids. I was like What The Heck because….. We have been married

    over 30 years!! He has honestly been a great husband and father. I knew he was going thru something but thought it was like a depression. He had some people treat him badly for work stuff and some issues with a family member but we weren’t arguing about anything! It was like he couldn’t make decisions here so I just picked up the slack for him here. So, here I sit almost a year later wondering what the heck happened , and trying to hold it together.

    He has worked hard to prove to me that he wants our marriage and swears he always has and still swears no affair! Ever!!

    She is married also and almost 10 years younger. She and I have had only two text exchanges. They were not good but I will say that she knew where I was coming from. Several months ago I realized we get our hair done at the same place as I was waiting and she was leaving. I realized it was her about a minute after she left. I’m pretty sure she realized it was me too as within a day on Facebook, she put up this post about these personal trainers she knows and showed several pictures of the changes and frames of a woman ( not her) and how it helped her. She is a work out queen! She has me personally blocked but I check her stuff off a friends page.

    I probably shouldn’t but still do just to keep track of things. I know… I know… I was pretty sure she was playing games with me on FB before but wasn’t completely sure and then right before Christmas , she was pulling out of her street and we were in a school zone and I knew she saw me. I was in my husbands truck which she knows as that is what he drove when he worked with her. We passed slowly and I could see her well. A few days later I check her page. ( I swear I’m trying not to check often. The struggle is real!) She put up this post about looking for Christmas music on the radio and running across this oldie. She actually said, ” Haha! The Memories! How fun!”…. after spouting off about finding it while looking for Christmas music! I went off her page and looked it up. It was a song about sex in the summer.(when all of this would have happened) It even talked about positions!! I sat there for a minute thinking… what the heck and then I checked the date. She put it up on the day I saw her. What woman does this while really looking for Christmas music? She also claims to be a Christian. Yep! My husband too and I will tell you that while he has worked hard to convince me that this didn’t happen, and he’s committed to me and only loves me tads tads, I can see that he is struggling to get back to where he was spiritually.

    It took me two weeks to tell him about it. Yes, I did! I couldn’t hold it in and when I told him he sobbed and told me how sorry he was and swore he had no idea why she would do that and still swore no affair! He knows she’s played mind games with me. After she and I exchanged those two text messages, her husband called and left a message on my husbands phone and told him that I had been harassing his wife for 3 months and it needed to stop. I was never so shocked in all my life! Yes, he played it for me. Another story and has just determined that these people are weird and creepy.

    It will be a year at the end of this month that I came home. He won’t go back to counseling. I probably need to. I have really struggled with just up and leaving him. I have no reason to believe that anything is still happening. He works at the same place, doesn’t travel at all and calls me on his lunch and break and leaves and comes home at the same time everyday. We still have a couple of young adult kids that live here and our figuring out there life stuff. I did ask him to leave after I came back but he wouldn’t.

    I do love him. I don’t trust him anymore. I have been wrong about some things that I’ve snooped on, and right about some things. Sometimes I really think I should just move forward with my life with him and other times I really struggle because I know I didn’t crazy imagine it all and I’ve honestly wondered if one of them called it off and they have both just had to move on.

    She loves herself and puts mostly stuff up that makes it look like all is great but every now and then shares something that makes it sound like she was really hurt. She also preached twice at her church…. I know- puke! I listened later online and I swear both of her talks were like she was trying to convince herself that she was forgiven and she was moving on. It was totally bizarre but it actually helped me to know what a crazy she was!! And I can’t believe my husband could fall for something like that! If he did… So I guess all of this to say that I am still obsessed too and trying to not let it overtake me! Thanks for letting me vent and for listening!

    He was acting all affectionate with me in front of the family but when it came time to be alone, it wasn’t happening. He said he was tired and we were getting old. We are in our mid 50’s. It has Never been a problem in the last year!!

    He worked with a company that this woman also did. Not anymore as he has gone back with the company he worked for before the economy crash. He started last August but didn’t start until he took me somewhere really nice for our Anniversary and has worked really hard to convince me how sorry he is for how he treated me. It was never physical ever but we had some pretty nasty arguments over all of this. He also threw me under the bus in front of our kids many times which is what honestly showed me something was seriously wrong because in all our marriage! He has begged forgiveness for all of that!

    • You are trying to convince yourself but not scucceding. My husband was the same except he actually got caught cheating. Then we reconciled–worst mistake of my life–it gave him 4 years to steal half of our life savings then stop working to avoid spousal support. He left for the final AP. nothing to save-I just wish I had realized it back then..

    • He won’t go to counseling; he hides massive amounts of money from you; he won’t sleep with you. Your husband–despite his protestations is having an affair. A counselor might sniff out his lies; affairs require money and leaving with schmoopie requires A LOT of money. And my current husband is in his mid-fifties and wants to have sex a few times a week. Sex drives vary, but if he wanted to do it frequently a year or two ago, then schmoopie happened, and now he doesn’t want to do it–he’s actually being “faithful” to her. My cheater ex was a model husband, home every night for dinner, didn’t work late, home on week ends, didn’t drink or go out with the guys–and still managed to have affairs and see prostitutes. I get that you need concrete proof. I did too. So get it. Take his computer and/or phone to an expert and have it searched. Put a keylogger on it (if legal in your state), stick a voice activated recorder under his front car seat, or, have him followed by a detective. GET the evidence and tell him nothing. Get your financials in order and take it all to a lawyer. DO NOT confront him again. Act normal and make him comfortable so he slips up. Then when your ducks are in a row–GET OUT. Cheaters cheat. It’s not just what they do it is who they are.

    • Stillhere. I am so sorry you are in a struggle with your marriage.

      Whether you stay or leave we will listen to you vent. Talking it out puts emotions into perspective and can be very helpful so keep it up. I hope one day your thoughts lead you in a more healthy direction instead of the futility of wondering why the dickhead you are married to found this shiny piece of shit of a female worth exploring.

      You are valuable. You are worthy of love. The time spent on FB looking up this human garbage is time spent AWAY from your children and yourself. When your thoughts stray to wondering why this broken sewage pipe was able to infiltrate your life, understand it was not about you. Your husband was not tempted by her because she is better than you. She is not. Accept this. He was tempted because he was an asshole. Now he seems to be “sorry” asshole.

      • I agree with Calamity Jane–it can help to vent here, but your thought about getting some help for yourself sounds great as well. It doesn’t sound like you know what you want yet. Do you want to leave or do you want to work on your marriage? It is such a difficult question for many of us. Don’t beat yourself up for being in the midst of this decision and needing time to make it carefully, but please stay away from the OW; she’s already made it apparent she’ll lie about you as fits her purpose. She’s toxic and harmful to you, and she isn’t someone you want in any future you choose for yourself.

        Given your evidence that your husband has hidden money in the past, I would suggest, however, that you treat your financial security in a completely impersonal way. Make sure you have all the documentation. Make sure that you know what is coming in and going out every month. Make sure your name is on every car, your house, all retirement accounts. This won’t hurt a thing if you decide to stay, but if you decide to leave (or he decides to leave), you’ll have your legal ducks in line to prevent financial abuse. Once you’ve arranged that level of security for yourself you can spend the time you need to figure out what you want out of the marriage moving forward.

        • Yes, it’s really important to have established credit in your name only as well. When we separated I actually had higher credit ratings than my husband. Makes it easier to get loans, etc.

      • Thank you. I am reading the replies and seriously taking them to heart. Yes, I can honestly recognize that I feel insane at times! I know deep down I’m really not!

    • Stillhere-

      Your level of detail and analysis shows us unequivocally: Gas lighting and triangulation by someone you love makes you insane.

      I believe you are experiencing a temporary, situational insanity. I am not walking any moral high roads. I have trudged that road, too.

      You need to yank yourself out of this, by any means necessary. You are swimming in a vat of shit and trying to discern why you have a bad taste in your mouth. Drastic and bold moves are needed.

      Your husband is a drama queen asshole who enjoys making you frantic and insecure over another woman. He lives in a fantasy world of peering over the fence, believing that a some random Howorker is better than his own wife, and life.

      You are wasting hours of your precious life playing FB games with this woman. Are you actually processing what you are writing? Playing Matlock and decoding Christmas music she posts on FB, frantically searching for meaning about your life and YOUR marriage from her crap on social media…?!

      By God, let her have him. Call his bluff. If he is the wonderful man you claim he is- he will fight dragons and zombies to get back to you.

      Let Workout Queen wash the shit stains out of his tidy whites and worry about how much sear he likes on his steak. What are you doing? Stop. Stop. Stop! Reach down and find the baseline dignity that he has stripped from you.

      Get over sorting him out. Get over researching and analyzing this hussy. That’s what you say to yourself. Get over it. Feelings aren’t facts. He is artificially producing a panic in you by triangulating you.

      It makes losers feel “hot” when someone is “fighting” for them and in agony. They have to produce this artificial war over their fabulousness in order to feel alive. This is because if you actually saw him as he was, a lump of fecal horror, you would howl in agony at the time you have spent puzzling him and her out.

      Say to yourself- I’m nuts. I must stop thinking of him and this woman and putting my own life on the far back burner- hell, not even on the stove.

      * If you get to three sentences in a row about him or her – that’s you eating a shit sandwich. *

      An honest marriage, an honest man would NEVER produce such a breathless, panicked thought scramble that you are experiencing. You have posted almost this same things before. Down to the Christmas music sleuthing.

      I understand- you want a different outcome. Sadly, writing about his behavior on here does not change that your Husband has invited a third party into your marriage.

      HE did it. Solely due to his actions you have been reduced to cyber stalking another woman- when you should be richly investing in YOUR life. Is that how you want to live? Mining for truths about your husband on a random whore’s FB page…after 30 years of marriage?

      Put the shit sandwich down. Go wash your mouth out with industrial grade mouthwash. Take a shower. Breathe. Then call a locksmith and lawyer.

      • I know. It’s hard as we are about to hit 35 years. He actually told me the other day that I imagined most of this. I told him he owed me an apology. Of course he gave me one. I also asked him how he slept at night while still hiding the money while trying to convince me nothing happened. He said it wasn’t a problem. It will be a year at the end of this month that I discovered the money. I have total access to all of it now but still… Yes, I know I’ve repeated the crazy song thing here…. a little insane at times I am. I’m aware of it.

        • Read the post from This Is Not A Test again. He has destroyed your marriage. You must get out.

          I was a shadow of the person I used to be after playing marriage police for two years. He is no where near as upset as you are about this. Trust me. He will just cheat again down the road because he lacks character, but this time he’ll claim it’s because you wouldn’t forgive him.

        • Get a Post Nup. Very very serious about this. He can’t be trusted. His reaction to this request will be revealing

          • Lawyer, now. Post-nup and divorce consultation. Choose yourself. Stop orbiting the OW. The gaslighting abuse is harming your mental health.

        • Stillhere, I was insane as well. I used friends FB accounts ( I do not have one) to track the movements of the OW. This vile critter bus stop tramp who was not worthy to wipe my dog’s dingleberries.

          It was a brutal man friend who told me I was marching the path to madness. That I had to jerk a knot in myself. That I needed to stop while I still had some marbles banging around.

          It is excruciating to let that 35 years go. But this is what helped me the most:

          1) He did not value me. Why was I ruining my life over him?
          2) I do not have an unlimited amount of time on this earth to waste on this sacks of shit.

          Fast forward 10 years. 10 Years of scouring FB and his phone for signs for his dark bag of tricks. 10 years of spinning based on their actions. 10 years of declining health and sanity.

          No! How about 10 years of peace, of not living a lie, of not feeling a dry mouthed panicked stomach drop when his phone rings.

          I am a stranger on the Internet- but I have your best interests at heart. If you can’t stomach a clean break…take a break from his poisonous gas and try and clear your head.

          He needs to leave. I don’t care if he lives in a Yurt- that’s his problem. You need to go to see a lawyer THIS WEEK and have her draft a post nup contract. If he will not sign, move to dissolution.

          And then, for the next months, indulge in extreme self care. Massages. Therapy. Chocolates. Books. Movies. Facials. Vacations. Journaling. Retreats. Whatever your budget allows- all of these things are doable. But don’t interact with him. See what clarity comes when you are protected from his influence.

          Stillhere- invest this tremendous energy and effort you expend on this dirt bags on YOU. ON YOU!

          • Thank you! A good friend of fine tried to save her marriage for ten years before her husband finally left her for his ow. She used to be in our Sunday School class. I watched my friend do everything she could! She thinks my husband had an affair but thinks he realized he made a mistake and wants me. Of course, he hasn’t admitted it . She has known us for over 20 years and thinks my situation is really different because he hasn’t left and he’s trying to make it up to me. I honestly don’t know if I can live with the betrayal of the crap I do have. This is really personal but even our sex life is so much better now but at times I just want to crawl in a hole. Not because he makes me do anything uncomfortable because he doesn’t. I think it’s because I wonder why it wasn’t like this before. TMI I know..

              • Oh dear. You’re thinking that you guys are an exception to the rule. You mention your friend and her assessment. How much does she know. You have to live with the situation and not her.
                From what you’ve said earlier the writing is on the wall. He has checked out but is faking it. He is playing for the audience while icing you behind closed doors. Probably lining up his ducks. You do the same. Take ‘ love’ out of this. It’s about survival. No one who cheats loved the person they cheated on. And frankly…They don’t love at all. Is that the worse thing in life? Not to them. You’ll drive yourself batty thinking that he loves you like you love him.
                All he needs to know is that you love him.

              • Stillhere…

                Oh boy do I hope you listen to This Is Not A Test…and everyone else that are screaming LOOK OUT here to you…cause sister, you better LOOK OUT! When it happens, and it will, he is exactly the same man I was married to for 30 years…we were together for 36 years all in…if you’d have told me that was what was actually happenin…yeah…I was you…only no sleuthing or fb crawlin…I was

              • …and ‘poof’…he was gone…just like that…

                …see how fast that happened?

                That is exactly how it will happen…poof, gone.

                Take your life back and get out with your health.

      • It makes losers feel “hot” when someone is “fighting” for them and in agony. They have to produce this artificial war over their fabulousness in order to feel alive. This is because if you actually saw him as he was, a lump of fecal horror, you would howl in agony at the time you have spent puzzling him and her out.

        ^ This paragraph here says it all. They believe they’re a special breed, but in reality they are shallow, immature, and pathetic.

        Stillhere, you are better off without this wing nut. You are complete as yourself. Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise. We here at CN support you.

    • He does not want forgiveness, he wants lack of consequences. And there is no way his affair wasn’t physical.

      You are twisting yourself in pretzels to make sense of the lies he is spewing, and behavior which on the surface says remorse, but which lacks any depth.

      Stillhere–ask yourself: Is this marriage healthy? Is it making you feel fulfilled? You have been/are being gaslighted and emotionally abused. You deserve better. Hugs.

      • Well said Tempest. It’s really hard to reconcile what crazy these asshats are willing to bring upon their wife and kids. You think to yourself “surely not, how could he risk the life we have built for some batshit crazy?”. But as stated here by CL and CN, you are looking at life through your own lens and it doesn’t make sense. Yes he has brought this bunny boiler into you and your childrens lives because that’s who he is. He’s trying on the crazy for size and was ready to take the leap, but perhaps something pulled him back THIS time. After 2 Ddays with 2 crazies, I realized this is who he is! I got my ducks in a row while he was out ‘trying on’ his latest crazy before he knew I was on to him. This second one didn’t work out for him either, but that doesn’t mean I want him. Should I be thankful I’m his plan B?

        StillHere you are not seeing real remorse. She is toying with you. She gets off on it. Don’t play the game. He’s all sad sausage now since he doesn’t want any consequences.

        See an attorney now! Get your ducks in a row now! You don’t have to file yet. Think about yourself and your kids financial well-being. If he really loved you and had remorse, he would bend over backwards and not be angry about the financials. Don’t be worried about scaring off the timid forest creature. Let him scurry back under that rock if he wants….

        • StillHere – listen to the Chumps who’ve given tested advice. We were ALL you at one time, too.

          1) Stop logging on to FB. Delete the app from your devices. You likely don’t have things you’d like to share right now anyway and it’s causing you great anxiety. You’re wasting your life. You have to keep your thoughts clear, and engaging in that junk is emotionally & psychologically abuse to yourself. Go no contact with FB now. You’ll be surprised how much better you feel.

          2) Go to a few of the best lawyers you have in town for free consultations. That way, when you decide to get up from the table where no kindness or love is being served, they won’t take HIS case when he needs counsel; would be a conflict of interest. Make sure to have a short list of finance-based questions about your situation when you go: alimony, retirement funds/plans, beneficiaries, life/death policies, mortgage, cars, credit debt, etc. Empower yourself with knowledge. Ask about moving 1/2 of all available finances into your own personal account. When he/she says it’s legal, DO IT within days prior to step 4.

          3) Figure out the true financial situation without asking him about it. Find statements, request statements addressed to you from your banks, look for filed documents that you know exist. Get a credit check. You can do some of that with the Credit Wise free app, and the Experian free mobile app. These apps will show you all open and closed accounts, give you your credit scores, and you can have a complete overview of your credit history. Find out what’s really been going on.

          4) Once you have these things in order, it’s actually very simple to know your path. Possibly do this with your grown kids in the room; they deserve to know the truth before he can lie to them, too. Say to the liar, “Hey – I need your cell phone unlocked and in my hand. I need to see something and it’ll just take a minute.” He will NOT do it, and there’s your answer.

          Don’t back down yet. Ask him why not, and then (calmly) repeat the request for the phone unlocked in your hand. He’ll refuse – PROMISE. Do you really need to ask again? That tension, fear, anxiety and all the other shit that is unsaid in the air among your family tells you exactly what you need to know. You have your answers to ALLLLLLLL the things you’ve worried about. The answers are “yes,” so don’t ask again. Yes he’s a cheater; yes he’s a liar; yes he’s abused you; yes hes’ a whore. Liars lie, and you will never know a fraction of the truth from him anyway. Keep your dignity and self-respect and don’t ask a liar for a truth you’ll never get. Walk out and say nothing at all again. Be done. Careful though, criers like him will put on an Oscar-award winning, dramatic event for you to believe him so he can figure out what to do after you’ve busted him. Mine threatened suicide the day I caught him, while he tore the house apart (literally) crying and screaming as I stood there in shock watching. Slow clap…clap…clap…just stop already. F-tard.

          5) If now, finally, you can’t imagine the next 30+ years of your one life being wasted away always second-guessing and feeling insane with this d-bag (because how you feel today Will. Not. Stop.), go back to the lawyer you liked best, and file. Have him served at work. Get a temp order date set as soon as possible. You will have already moved half of the funds, so don’t worry about too much yet.

          6) You STILL don’t want to divorce? Fine. Have him agree to meet with a lawyer to sign a post-nuptial agreement that stipulates cheating as a cause for you to get 100% of it ALL. Pretty simple, yeah? Wait – what? He won’t do that either? Uhhhhhhh…

          You and your kids deserve so much more, but any action on this is on you now.

          • Great advice Kibble-free, I especially liked number 1: consult all the best lawyers before the other party could get their hands on one.

    • StillHere

      If you have access to the money he’s been stashing I would suggest taking half of it out of the account and filing for a divorce. Much of your story focuses on the OW. Look at where your energy is being spent. Unfortunately, he has no intention of sharing your assets. Speak to a lawyer and cover yourself financially. Gather all documents regarding finances and stop talking to him about his actions. He’s a snake.

      • Chumps..we just cannot state emphatically enough that financial infidelity pairs with a cheater’s life. We all understand how shocking it is when the SHTF, but the first thing you MUST do is dig into the financials of your marriage! The money can disappear quickly. Never forget that they are cheaters and liars.

        • So, Blown Away….. you don’t believe that a really good husband of over 30 years would hide money from his wife and admit at one point that he was going to leave but only because he couldn’t stand himself because he had looked at porn for a few months. He did come clean about that with two people but he also said he had stopped months before. I asked him if that was the case, why still hide the money? He doesn’t have a good answer. Just says it was pride. I also don’t believe it!

          • Stillhere,

            I had what I thought was “a really good husband” for over 25 years. It wasn’t until what I thought was “only” DDay No. 2 that I found out it was YEARS of cheating. My instinct throughout the years had me suspecting at certain times, but he was usually home on time, home on the weekends, etc. There were years of co-worker hookups, porn, prostitutes and eventually him leaving for the an OW who he may have had a relationship with years before (I’ll never “know” for sure but it doesn’t even matter).

            At this point, it doesn’t matter if it was 2 or 202. Even one meant he didn’t care enough about me, our family or our relationship not to lie to me, betray me, risk my health and overall well-being. We think it is harder to leave – and initially it is. It is scary to think of not being with the person who you believed was your life partner and best friend, whom you love (right now, more than you love yourself). But I will tell you – I am more relaxed and happy without him than I ever was with him – and we had some really good times together. There were too many shadows lurking for it to be as good as it should have been. Those shadows are gone now that he’s gone.

            I felt a physical pain reading your story. I’ve been in that state where I was so crazy I considered checking myself into the hospital. No one who cared about you would want to be in that state. Real love is nurturing and reassuring. You feel free and secure. You don’t need to question it. Please listen to what everyone is telling you. I know it is hard. Just take one step at a time. (((HUGS)))

          • Please don’t make the mistake of thinking that “better sex” means ANYTHING because it doesn’t. I saw repeatedly in the Reconciliation materials an emphasis on sex. They think if you can get the cheater in bed he “loves” you.

            Don’t get me wrong, I like sex and think it is important in a relationship. But in a bad relationship, the only thing it will do is divert your attention from the real issues. The real issues being if he is a liar, a cheater, a money launderer, an alcoholic, an abuser.

      • I have access to all of it. In the beginning of all of this, I told him if I found out it was true, that I would take his ass for everything! He has a lot to lose if I leave him, including his reputation with our kids. They are all grown. He doesn’t want to lose that but it’s hard for them to even imagine him making that kind of mistake since he has asked for forgiveness in front of them. Plus the fact that things have been calm for a year because I refuse to put it all out in front of them but they had a basic understanding of what our troubles were about.

        I also let him have it at times, when we were alone and he honestly took it like he deserved it. Now he just acts like it all didn’t happen and life has moved on with me.

        • Yes when true schmoopie luv doesn’t pan out, they want the regular life to continue. It’s been a year and you are still coming to chump nation. It’s because you don’t trust him and it will never be the same again. You are worried about your kids and what your future life will be. Sometimes you feel guilty about upsetting the apple cart for all involved. But you didn’t do this. He did. Yoy can only take care of you and your children. He didn’t give a shit when he was in twu wuv. You now know where you fit in his life.

        • StillHere

          I can’t emphasize enough how shocked I was when my therapist told me I never had power or control in my relationship. You say he just acts like it all didn’t happen and life has moved on with me? Oh, boy you are addicted to hopium. Unfortunately, he biding his time and there is no doubt in my mind you need to protect yourself financially.

        • Even if he is a unicorn, the perfect bloke who made a mistake, just once and is now full of remorse, EVEN IF that is the case, one year in and you’re fucking MISERABLE. So what’s the point of persisting? Because of a “what if”??????

          What will it take for you to take action, get your power back and go out to bat for yourself? What will it take?

        • I found that the gaslighting is way way worse during the wreckonciliaton – they show remorse and they are really good at lying so they are REALLY good at faking remorse. The mask slips though – like how he can easily move on and “act like it didn’t happen”. Once he feels safe (that you will probably stick with him), the mask slips even more. I saw a lot of contempt and blame shifting – soon you may start hearing about what an unforgiving bitter woman you are. It’s really you who is the problem here! Get over it; it never happened.

          Think hard about how you want to spend your one precious life. I am so so much happier now. Being with someone who doesn’t value you is no way to live. It’s better to be alone.

          • Mine insisted that I bury my head on the sand – to ‘Stop thinking about her, think about us’.

            Uhh, sorry I don’t have psychopath-level compartmentalization skills.

            Crazy-making, I tell you.

        • Never take your assumptions for granted…. 25 years and mine decided he was leaving long before and instead of hidinf money….or maybe he did that too…he remortgaged the house several times to make sure it had to be sold when he left…and spent wildly on his hobbies from money we didnt have so there was literaly nothing left in the end. Blind trust from a chump.

    • He may be sincere, but you cannot and should not trust him with anything financial! You may want to insist on requiring two signatures on bank account withdrawals or even bill payments. Yes, affairs cost money and it takes even more funding when you are starting a new life with someone else. He could be biding his time and planning on taking even more money. Also, most people these days have direct deposit, make sure you see his paycheck voucher weekly and verify all funds are going into one or joint owned accounts. He already attempted to rip you off (that is extremely telling by the way) don’t give him the change to do it again.

      • I keep track of everything weekly now and it’s all accounted for. We do have joint accounts. Thank you!

        • StillHere just want to let you know we at CN want to support you. I don’t want you to feel like we are judging your choices. It’s really the hardest thing I have ever done leaving.

          My ex is all sad sausage now as we have divorced and second schmoopie didn’t turn out to be the twu wuvs. He has started to text and email frequently. I’m guessing he is lonely and the consequences suck.

          It’s so hard to reconcile how someone I’ve spent 20 years of my life and have children with could do this. But he can and he did. We were supposed to be saving for something the whole family wanted but he was out blowing it on schmoopie.

          Was I happy in our marriage? Yes and no. But I can never get passed this second Dday with yet another needy, dumsel in distress schmoopie.

          I wish you well in whatever you decide to do. Please keep coming here and venting. I’m one year out from Dday #2. I didn’t want to believe my cheater was this bad guy like the others here at CN. The more I come here, the more sense it makes to me. This is who he is and I trust that he sucks.

    • StillHere:

      Respectfully… out of everything you wrote, here is what I heard:

      – Married for over 30 years
      – He HID your life savings from you!
      – He won’t go to counseling.
      – He is forcing you into an abusive and sexless marriage (because he’s tired?!?)
      – You love him, but don’t trust him… how does that work exactly?

      Looks to me like a lot more than circumstantial evidence.

      Please – see a lawyer… see a therapist… get out while you can still build a new life for yourself.

  • Ok ….no embittered responses… i am fairly close to tall blonde swede like ness . Even referred to as the trophy wife by ex wanker MIL. Looks have NOTHING TO DO WITH the bullshit that comes your way . It is all about the mind fuckery. I was not a bitch/ a spender/ a nag/ miserable cow… it was all about him all of the time. So when life got shitty financially…. careers are a bit stagnant…everyone else seems to have it better…YOU get the full brunt of …if it wasnt for you and the pesky kids i would have got away with it ( read perfect life ) .. think scooby doo . You all get blame for their lack of achieving in life ( literally heard he used to say ‘the wife and kids were suffocating i couldn’t fo what i wanted in life..) so do NOT think it has anything to do with looks or presentation. …its all sbout them ALL of the time.

    • Yes exactly. STBX claimed he cheated because our marriage was a 2. It wasn’t our marriage that was a 2 it was his life that was a 2, I just go the blame. The worst part is that most would have been happy to have his life, but he could never appreciate what he had.

      • With you on that- stbx said he lost the last 10 years of his life. Talk about an entitled statement- a lot of people would have loved to lead his affluent life with his 5 charming children and his wife appliance who had aged pretty well!

        • Add to the poor me narrative ex fucktard also grandly stated he had “wasted his 30’s” ….yeah now we’re all crying

    • I’m not a 10 by any means but I look like I damn well care about my appearance, I’m vain AF. The mow looked like a skid mark. But she blew him and parroted back everything he said, so she was winner because she acted he was a winner. He basically fucked what he thought of himself, which was very little. And yup, I feel less than.

    • Whodoesthat

      ” think scooby doo”

      Love this Whodoesthat! We often go directly to the comparative analysis and feel inadequate, feeding the pick-me-dance of humiliation. Each and every time I ‘won’ I lost a part of myself and he avoided the consequences (paying child support, alimony, and image maintenance). I’d drop weight and would land right back into his infatuation stage and the cycle repeated.

      For every chump there is another OW/OM out there who possesses something the disordered finds attractive. For the Limited it was always about the thrill of the chase. Throw in a beach pass, a tall pedestal, neediness, and vulnerability and they’ve struck gold.

      It is hard for me to see his current ‘hole’ as a victim. Along the way however, there were victims he lied to and hooked temporarily. I used to think in terms of another woman benefiting from the investment I made. So let’s go there.

      I wanted a man who would be invested in his children. He cheated while I was pregnant. He fathered children with other women. He took his children on his dates to OW houses as they played with her children. Yet he attended every baseball game, did the dishes, and went to father daughter dances.

      I developed a relationship with a business owner and negotiated a deal that allowed him to maintain self-employment and respectability in the community. I developed a business plan that allowed him free time to spend with his family.

      I did all the heavy lifting, planning, and organizing. I made a sociopath look good for over forty years.

      The truth came from my therapist when I was appalled by the scuzzy low class disgusting pig he paired up with in 2014. He bragged about her lack of income. She lacked basic human decency and is ugly inside and out. My therapist simply stated, “He can’t get attractive, intelligent or classy.”

      The other woman did get my investment; it was a poor one. And perhaps the NEXT (there’s always a next) one will be attractive, have money and find him worthy in the pool of aging sixty year old men who ‘lost’ everything due to his emotionally abusive wife. What of it? He’s still an empty elevator shaft that hides behind a mask and will forever be malignant, regardless.

      Many times I’ve read not to take the actions of the disordered NPD abusers personally. It was difficult not to take it personally because as a parting gift the disordered often times leave us depleted and broken with cruel sadistic statements. It feels personal; it’s not. They are equal opportunity abusers.

      • I literally do not know who i was married to . My kids dont recognise him either which makes me think i’m not completely mad. Now i look back and see how economical he was with the truth. Hevwo uk ld argue that there are 2 sides to every story….yeah dick head. ..yours and the truth.

    • Mine did say that he could be further but for me and the children and seemed to think he was destined for greatness.

  • To the outside world, my marriage to STBX seemed perfect too but it wasn’t. I can’t even say that STBX appears truly happy with Schmoopie either although he tries to blame external circumstances for interfering with their happiness rather than the relationship itself (it’s my fault nobody in his life is warming up to her). I keep trying to remind my self to “trust that they suck”, but it isn’t easy.

  • I also never considered her to be better than me. We are probably equivalent in looks if different, but other than that, she is a loser and I am not. This just makes it worse, however as I can’t understand how he could have been negatively comparing me to her and how he could possibly have felt it was worth breaking up our family to be with her and/or be free of me. I wasn’t the perfect wife, but I was a good wife. This chick certainly wasn’t a good wife to her husband or mother to her five children. She let her relationship with STBX take time and energy away from her family in the same way STBX did that to his family.

    Again, it all comes back to “trust that they suck”. Someday I will get that through my thick head.

    • How the hell does someone with five kids find the time for anything apart from maybe a bath now and then.

  • Brad Pitt cheated and ran off on Jennifer Anniston. And then he cheated and ran off on Angelina Jolie. It’s not about beauty…

  • Oh- I’m sure Tall Blonde IS very, *very* happy.

    But she’s a narcissist. And what makes this narcissist happy?

    -Investing her time and practiced affection into a man, not her husband or children.
    They don’t give enough ego kibbles so they don’t deserve her fake love.
    -The thrill of secrecy in outside relationships.
    Because a constant sense of danger is the only way she can feel *anything* like an emotion.
    -Being discussed. For any reason. She loves centrality.
    Because again, even being hated by others lends a tinge of feeling something… gloating is a sensation. “They’re jealous of me! ::gloat::” “Ermagerd- he’s almost shaking with how much he wants me. ::gloat::” “Look at how much ex-H loathes me; I am powerful! ::gloat:: ” Having no feelings, she is ruled by the need to seek sensations instead.

    Do you want to have the kind of happiness that only a narcissist would find all that to be?

    Nah.

    • “Because a constant sense of danger is the only way she can feel *anything* like an emotion.”

      This does seem to explain so much.

    • When I talked to my ex’s gf , it was just oozing off her how much she enjoyed my being “jealous” of her. Let me tell you, that conversation shut that shit down immediately. She was none of the things he presented her to be, none. I can see why these ow encourage the wives to be jealous of them. They are the only ones who are.

  • Very timely- my ex and his new life with the ow just had a big sparkly wedding for her kid. My kids were in it so I see them tagged. All my ex in laws having a wonderful time. Ex sitting on the front row like a boss. They all look happy and joyful to me. I’m really struggling to believe there will ever be karma. Sometimes they leave and their life just keeps on without a stumble. My life is fine and I’m better off (well not financially, but that’s a different issue) but what I wouldn’t give for a little sign that once my 23 year commitment mattered somehow. This shit sandwich is not going down easy this week.

    • Well, for what it is worth, your 23 year commitment matters to us. We value that kind of love and work. There wouldn’t be enough sequins and champagne in the world to blind us to the difference between the vow the young couple just took and the way your EX and the OW behaved.

      • Yes, Whatkarma we understand what love, loyalty and sacrifice you poured into a 23 year relationship. We get it. Thanks for reminding all of us there are people who understand, Eilonwy!

      • Rough day for me. Rough most days. I start my day reading through the kindness, compassion, understanding, truth, wisdom, and grace that is offered up here. It blows my mind that cheaters think they can find this kind of love and loyalty on repeat.

      • Yes! Soooooo true! My daughter’s wedding is Saturday and I am taking all of you with me! Peacekeeper told me to Hold My Head High and I shall! THANK GOD for CL & CN!

        • Oh Patience,
          This Saturday, the wedding!
          I will be thinking of you, indeed, all of CN will not only be thinking of you – we will be there, warm and safe in your heart. You will feel our presence.
          Hold your head high, remember your beautiful Mother of the Bride corsage is your badge of honour. Wear it proudly.
          You are the ever present, sane, loving parent. This is YOUR Daughter’s wedding.
          ?
          Best wishes to your Daughter and her Husband to Be!

        • I will think of you all the way from Holland this saturday. I will buy some roses in your name Patience. You will be beautiful as a rose and sharp as the thorns. Don’t you worry. Best wishes.

          • Omg, sooo incredibly sweet…im in the tub, the night before, relaxing and those words feel so wonderful…blessings zomer????

        • Your daughter has a fantastic role model for her married life – you so earned the Mother of the Bride honours, lovely Patience! On Saturday I will pour a glass of wine and drink it as a toast to you, your daughter and her new husband. <3

  • It’s inevitable that our betrayal, and the people who accomplished it, will occupy our thoughts sporadically. But we have limited time, and limited attention. The more your time and thoughts are filled with crafting a fabulous life of our own (and I don’t mean just finding someone to date), the less time & attention we have for the antics of our Xs and OW/OM.

    • Right on, Tempest! It accomplishes nothing and takes away from putting that energy into “crafting a fabulous life of our own”.

    • Yes, I was blessed with good advice right after D-day to block my ex and OW from all social media accounts so I wouldn’t see what they were doing. Luckily I’ve never been tempted to look, because I didn’t want to hurt myself more than he already had.

      • That is some brilliant self control you got there. Kudos! I’m getting there now, one month after the word divorce was set in stone. Now separated, it’ll be somewhere around 6 months at best before it’s all done for. 1 year of wreckonciliation and dday #2 a month ago I’m getting perfect at not caring and letting her be. Time for me. Yes!

        I have also dropped the itch to check on her. Best decision ever. NC not possible because of kids.

        Good advice Lyn. Chump Hugs 4 u

      • Same here. I know it would damage my esteem and I would do some regrettable shit. They want us in their triangle of bullshit and when you are not it all gets a bit boring for them as they have nothing to bond their twu wuv with. Life without FB is great. Also whore face can’t look at my stuff because it doesn’t exist. As my father says ‘don’t feed the beast’
        Just got 4-6 weeks temp work so keeping the wolves away, will be seeing a lawyer in that time to get stuff rolling so I get house/ mortgage.
        Asshat is small and spiteful and will screw me forqwhat he can get which is very little. This is the shit we are reduced to, him wanting the lawn mower and kayak so he can pawn it and pay of some of his credit card debt, nope sorry, jog on.

    • Damn Tempest – Just what I needed to hear today! There are some projects that I’ve been putting off because I wanted to give myself the time to grieve. But I haven’t really been grieving. Just drifting. Time to throw myself into something new and see what comes of that! I spent the last 3 years grieving the marriage I thought I had. Feeling energized to do something new!

    • Very true! I have never done social media and never asked anyone what X was up to after separation. Best thing I did. Now a little over 2 years later, I really have no feelings for X. Good thing since she just got remarried to guy she knew less than 3 weeks. Now I need to focus on a life without dating again. Fabulous life ahead!

      • Yup, I find that I do not miss STBX at all. And I’m glad to feel this way.

        After flushing poop in the toilet, you don’t really think about it. Once in a while it would fight its way back up… again…and again, but just keep flushing the motherfucker until its gone! :))

  • My ex used to ask me “why do you keep obsessing over whether your behavior was good or right.” He also seemed so honest and nice and stable. But he was operating on a superficial behavior mode that his parents taught him. “Act nice.” On the larger issues – cheating on his wife, planning for a financial future, improving himself professionally – he failed miserably. He never reflected. He just wandered aimlessly through an unexamined life, following knee-jerk desires.

    • Mine did too, although I think the hardest thing to wrap my head around is that he portrayed the thoughtful, reflective person so well. In reality, he was saying one thing and doing another. In hindsight, I can see that he too would snidely comment on how much I toiled over something I did or said. A clue that truly didn’t get it.

  • A parent who abandons his or her children is only “happy” in a dysfunctional and disturbed way. This woman (and other cheating EXs like her) is either incapable of experiencing the kind of happiness the letter writer is projecting on to her OR she’s miserably unhappy but is faking it on social media and elsewhere because she knows darn well that there is little sympathy for a parent (especially a woman) who leaves her kids for a new lover.

    Her life looks too good to be true–all self-indulgence and no consequences–precisely because it is.

    Nonetheless, it is hard to be passed over or rejected. Even when it’s Ted Bundy sitting in the sorority house picking a girl to flirt with, it is hard not to feel disappointed that the cute guy didn’t go for you. The fact that he’s a serial killer picking a victim just doesn’t register with the part of the brain that wants to be noticed. But you’ve got to keep reminding yourself exactly what your EX is picking women for (hopefully, not murder, just kibbles).

  • ” I still cannot believe he did that. I just didn’t think he was the type of person who behaved that way and I sometimes still have trouble understanding or accepting it.”

    If ever there is a statement that indicates you are in a abusive relationship, this is the biggest red flag that you are indeed being abused. The evidence is right there and instead of acting on the evidence we get stuck in denial (disbelief). If there is one thing the disordered have mastered it is mirroring our values while at the same time playing on our vulnerabilities. Why is our reality so difficult to accept? In the beginning we don’t recognize the subtle acts of being dismissed and the lowering of our bar as they minimize our needs.

    Abuse is their ‘normal’. It becomes our normal until we reexamine our own values and quit assigning them to the disordered. They are soul sucking leeches who will do the same to each and every victim they select regardless of age, looks, or intelligence.

    • Doingme…OMG. I read it, and still don’t want to admit that it was abuse, but you are soooo right. I tried every way possible to find a way to understand that which was not even remotely comprehensible. God. Beautifully put. Thank you. Once you say that sentence to yourself, you are so right, it’s already gone. Just get the hell out. period. don’t look back, there is nothing there.

  • Whenever I think of two cheaters who seem absolutely in love and super happy, I just remember what happened with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, or John Edwards and Rielle Hunter. Both couples eventually imploded. Cheaters have to act super happy to justify the choices they’ve made to outsiders.

    On the other hand, I’ve kept myself super busy since D-day and tried to act happy in front of friends and family myself. The reason is that I don’t want people to think I’m going to let someone else ruin my life. I still struggle with loneliness and deep sadness sometimes, though.

    So I guess we’re all prone to hiding behind a facade of happiness from time to time. Maybe we think if we act happy we’ll eventually feel happy.

    • Also, I noted when Brad or Angelina spoke of their relationship, it was performance like. I never bought it and was only surprised it lasted so long. Brad Pitt tries too hard to portray himself as an “aw shucks I’m just a regular guy” when being interviewed. I parallel Facebook with Hollywood movie actors, mostly full of horseshit nonsense.

    • Lyn, funny you should mention the cheater duo of Edwards and Hunter. I got the book she wrote out of the library about their affair (“What Really Happened”). I heard how horrible it was, especially blaming the late Elizabeth for everything.

      She’s an attractive and blonde piece of shit. No better than the one in the title of this blog post!

      The book was so horribly received, Hunter wrote a revised book, “In Hindsight, What Really Happened.” Did she do this to soften any of the horrible things she wrote about Elizabeth? Hell no! She added notes to prove her points:

      “I’ve annotated the original book. Typos have been corrected but not a word has been changed, not even words that cause me to cringe when I reread them. Instead I have put notes throughout—notes that acknowledge what I couldn’t when I wrote the book.”

      What a horror! I am probably not going to get through this one, but I look at it like reading books or watching TV about serial killers.

      I loved monster movies as a kid and I still do! There are just vampires and zombies whose human act is more polished.

      Like bad car accidents, these people’s minds, morals, and values are such twisted wreckage, you cannot look away because you’re wondering, “How exactly the Hell does a human being become an absolute monster?” How twisted can the skein of fuckeduppedness get?

      So far the book does not belie the words of CN wisdom:

      Trust that they suck!

      Trust that they lie!

      • I would never want a penny to go to that whore. Instead I read Elizabeth Edwards’ book. I also recommend Jenny Sanford’s book. At the moment the titles escape me but both were great reads. Still mad that before I knew he was a narcissistic asshole I donated $50 to John Edwards campaign because I believed his “for the little guy” schtick.

        • Still Here:

          I came across some old jewelry the other day … a bunch of delicate chains I had left in a bag, but had shuffled about over the years. They were shiny … possibly gold, but maybe fake … hard to tell. They were all twisted together from years of being moved about, so I started to pick them apart. I used to be really good at this … fixing jewelry, doing delicate tasks, but my eyesight is going, and my fingers are knuckly and stiff from 40 years of working. I’m 60.

          I worked at it, but didn’t make much progress. I thought about the chains … at one point they meant something, but now they were just a fucked up mess. They might be worth something, but the time invested in unravelling them wouldn’t be worth their weight in gold … or brass … or whatever they were.

          I salvaged one, the shiniest, prettiest one, the gold one, and hung it on my necklace tree … and I threw out the rest. The one I salvaged was from my first boyfriend … the one whose heart I broke at a younger age, not the second partner, who broke mine when he was old enough to know better.

          Life is too short to “unravel the skein of fucked uppedness” so you can salvage mementos from grown people who never learn life’s lessons and hurt you gravely. Save what you can of what you’ve learned, and throw the rest out. We may not have all been perfect in our youth, but as we grow, we expect others to as well. Don’t waste any more time on someone who still has one foot in high school.

          • Champ 🙂

            Love your post 🙂 Thank you!

            Life is too short to “unravel the skein of fucked uppedness” so you can salvage mementos from grown people who never learn life’s lessons and hurt you gravely. Save what you can of what you’ve learned, and throw the rest out. We may not have all been perfect in our youth, but as we grow, we expect others to as well. Don’t waste any more time on someone who still has one foot in high school.

            Life is too short to waste on them! YES!

            …oh! I don’t know if it is true…but I’ve heard that talcum powder on the necklaces makes them come untangled easily 🙂

            Thank you!

  • What these people have, you do not want.

    I was obsessed with OW for 2 years after DDay. I didn’t realize that she and my X were cut of the same cloth. I kept putting her at fault for the entire affair. How could my X possibly be at fault? He’s a good guy. He’s honest (except when he’s having an affair) and kind (except to me and my family) and charming (except to me and my family) and whatever other virtue you can name. No he wasn’t. I was invested in my spackle. In fact, I might even say that I was invested in his image management just as much as he was! He SUCKS! I kept wondering and wondering if I were placed in the same situation as he, would I have done what he did? The answer is NO! I would never do those things because I value marriage and family and well, I valued my husband and his feelings.

    The best thing to realize is that these people aren’t your people. Get away from them. Run the other way. Leave them alone to each other. Yeah, it hurts like hell, but there are better kinds of love out there. Even the love that you can give yourself is better than anything that your ex-boyfriend could give you.

    • Amen, I used to think what would happen if I’d be drunk and a girl would be around to flirt with. I wouldn’t have even gotten there. Stbxw did and just went with it and acted like a goddamn slut. I would never. I’m 100% sure of that. No matter how drunk I’d be. Word.

  • I think it’s ‘fun’ and makes them ‘happy’ to lie to people. To trick people, to see if they care. My ex did this regularly. He really would dump everything on me and then be happy about it. I didn’t see that it made him happy to dump it on me at the time, I just thought, ‘Wow, I envy the way he always is upbeat no matter what’s going on.’ Ha! what a fool I was. He would leave me to handle all the serious stuff and his number one goal was fun and happiness. HIS fun and happiness. People like this actually get ‘Happy’ to fuck other people over. Actually are happy when they see they affect you. That’s why no contact was the only choice as soon as I could do it. Even if it meant we still have a company together and all these other things loose ends wise I just can’t go back until I am at Mia and he won’t deal with it so it’s it’s in purgatory.

    And if I wasn’t up to his level of excitement or enthusiasm than I was ‘ruining’ it for him! Even if he was the one with tornado through stuff and completely create life problems – it was expected that I wasn’t fun enough wasn’t wanting to go places enough wasn’t XYZ, if I put up a fight about things that needed to be done or responsibilities or taking things seriously… It was endearing when we were dating but after a while it just became ‘my fault’ for interrupting the joy and fun.

    In my exes case, I don’t check his social media, fan pages, or any of that for my own sanity, but I truly do think he is seeking fun new experiences, thrills, prey, hoes, and anything else that he can get his hands on without trying to think about anything seriously. If I were to look at his Facebook page he be smiling and doing really awesome things in every photo. I truly believe that’s all he cares about how he looks how much fun he has or how he looks having fun.

    For him tricking people is fun, praying on people is fun, manipulating people is fun, finding new chumps is fun, looking good shirtless and posting photos for thousands of fans is fun, everything is about being a ‘fun, and ‘happy’ and not thinking about anything at all. Not me, not what he did to me, none of it.

    • My ex actually had a term for it – he called it “grin fuck” — shake their hand, look them in the eye & screw them – little did I know he was doing it to me in his petsonal life

  • The ONLY thing about this woman you need to know is that she abandoned her children with your x’s encouragement. Enough said.

  • Ah, American culture’s fascination with female blondes, whereby they equate blond hair with beauty.

    I just don’t get it.

    Worldwide, what percentage of female adults over 30 have naturally blond hair? Gotta be in the low single digits. Almost all of we baby blondes end up with light brown/brown hair by adulthood.

    And why is blond considered more attractive, by default, than brown, black, or gray? Who made these ridiculous rules?

    • My ex’s AP has frizzy roots … look closely, and she’s turning gray. Dye job!!! Collar and cuffs no longer match, unless she dyes that, too.

    • @JC…agreed! Thanks for saying this because I wanted to, but was afraid to offend anyone. I am a mixed-race woman with very dark hair and dark eyes.
      The idea that blonde=beauty has always bothered me because it stems from racism. And growing up, there were a lot of other girls who felt superior to me because they had blonde hair (both natural and fake). Some of them were UGLY inside and out, but believed they were hot because of their blonde hair.

      “Blonde” doesn’t mean “prettier”. Or big boobs or being tall or any of the things that supposedly make a woman more beautiful than others.
      I think the OP should try to focus on herself instead of comparing with the OW. When a man cheats, it’s not because of what the Other Woman has that you don’t…it’s because she is willing to disrespect herself and others.
      There is nothing pretty about that.

  • I agree with @Tempest cheaters do no care about other’s feelings. I do confess I looked at A lot of potential and current whores for my surprise when I confronted Mr. Cheaters Pants it was another one!! The following is a text message written by CP on Fathers’ Day from the aiport coming back from whorecation. That day was our first vacation just me & my kid he was hoovering asking 411 question and video chatting with my kid just to “hoover” I told him to stop doing that. I mentioned that his “routine” never changed (double life ) but that he needed to learn to set up limits and respect privacy.
    This is what he texted me… (free translation sorry for typo or grammar English is my 2nd language).

    Cheater…
    I do understand that my life’s routine apparently look the same but do not take it for granted. I lost my kid, the love of an exceptional women (me ??) and I lost my home. Not everything seems as it looks. If the rutine (double life) continues is because I am trying to do something with the ruins that I left in “MY” life…. (=game is over, no Plan B, I might have to live with whore over a decade younger than me 24/7, #payingchildsuppportnow,#nomore$tofaketherichlife, #imaxedout3creditcardstowhorearound, #noretirement, #no401k). Perharps I did not try enough or I did not fight the way I was supposed to (EX-HUSBAND WHO IS STILL IN MY HOUSE textING me from the airport COMING BACK FROM WHORECATION) because other “things” (talking about women & cheating) were easier but that does not mean that I stopped loving you all or I that I do not miss you now. =me & my kid (#psycholove) I did this by myself & I have to blame myself but I never stopped loving you both (I think he has the sadz it is fathers day I we are having fun while he is with whore) For over “X” years you were all and the “only” thing I could count on (#planB&appliancewife) I am the one who lose and this is my ROUTINE now. (refering to visiting the co/howorker #nofeeling; #nolove #anothervictim) Anyway I will see you soon keep enjoying!! Hugs!!!

    PS we should get credit hours and be UBT ?translators as well ?

    • A+ on the UBT, FicoChump! Your X/STBX is just after impression management and sugar coating of his odious actions. If he can convince Chumpy you that he just made a little error, and Wow! isn’t he otherwise a fabulous guy! then all is well in his world. #kissmyasscheater

      • Gawd! These exes sound like they’re being held hostage by the AP. Send in the SWAT team … rescue the poor, poor man. “My wife and children went away, and all I got was this lousy hooker. Waaaaaaa!”

  • This is one of those stories that takes a long time to unfold. Abandoning your kids? There is a serious reckoning for that. Sometimes it doesn’t reach full impact for 10 or 20 years but believe me, there is a reckoning. When you are 50 and your kids decide to spend Mother’s Day with their stepmom or grandmother instead of you. When your adult children have children of their own and, our of courtesy and custom, invite you to meet them but clearly don’t feel any real joy in it, you feel it. That’s what happens to these people who leave their children. The regret comes years later but when it comes, it hits hard.

    I’m in my early 40’s and I see it now all the time. My friends who had fathers that left? They might send him a Happy Father’s Day text but that’s about it. And the fathers are filled with regret and apologies, all of which fall on deaf ears. The same will happen with this woman and her own children. In fact, it will probably hit her harder because the cultural taboo of a woman abandoning her own children is so much more stigmatizing.

    In the long game, these people lose big time. Trust that they suck.

  • My mother left my father and three children (I was 9) to chase sparkles with some turd 12 years her junior, telling everybody that she “had a right to happiness”. Twelve years later the turd found himself a woman his age and proceeded to kick my mother and their two small children out of the house. Today she’s 84, lives in a home, just had a stroke that paralyzed her right side, has no money and my two siblings, two half-siblings and her grandchildren rarely visit her. I went No Contact with her many years ago. As to the ageing sparkly turd, his children never saw or spoke to him again. How’s that for reality? Please, LilyPad, don’t waste another minute of your life envying Viking Barbie.

    • Empathic me feels badly for the players in your real story.. it’s is beyond sad… if only they would realize but that’s why they are disordered sociopaths…

  • I feel this way sometimes too. My ex left me and our 4 kids 4 years ago, and has chosen to not be in contact with them for over 2.5 years. I see their FB posts and they are so super happy. Makes me jealous because I struggle to raise them all by myself and they can do whatever they want when they want because she has no kids. I know I shouldn’t believe FB, but, they have to be having more fun than me raising 4 kids alone. I also obsessed over the fact that she is blond and about 60 pounds thinner than I am. But I have to remind myself not be jealous of a sociopath who abandons his wife and children for a whore who purposely doesn’t have kids and doesn’t encourage her now husband to have a relationship with our 13, 16, 18 and 25 year olds. That’s nothing to be jealous of. They’ve crafted a fake life and have ignored 4 kids to preserve their fake life because like wouldn’t be as hunky dory for them if they were participating in the kids lives like they should be. You know….responsibilities and such!

    • Anchor….there has to be a special place in hell for a man who turns his back on his kids for a skanky hoe. There has to be!!!!!

      • Leavingthecrap…I know I will not have to share heaven with him and the skanky whore. That’s for sure. Maybe my problem when I obsess is that I haven’t seen them suffer. I’d really like to see some suffering. But all I see is a fun, carefree life…is a lightning strike, or an illness, or the wretched motorcycle going over a cliff too much to ask for?

  • For some reason, I never obsessed or thought about the OM.

    But I obsessed and obsessed and obsessed on my cheater trying to figure out why she did what she did, why she was so horrible, if there was any hope, if she really was as horrible as I thought, what might happen to her when I left her, what her relationship would be like with the kids, would she be able to support herself, if she was mentally ill, if she was “bad” or “evil” or just naively troubled, and on and on and on

    but I never thought about the OM.

    • That was me too, Buddy. I had no love for married OW, but I spent thousands of hours trying to figure out what was wrong with my husband that he couldn’t stop chasing after her. In my mind, the problem was with him and not her. I didn’t care about her, except for wanting her to stay the hell away from me.

  • This reminds me of all the beautiful celebrity Chumps whose assholes cheat with nannies and young girls…it hurts no matter who they betray us with.

    x told me “all men want young women” (he was a fat, drunk 54 and his preference was for teenage girls). It never occurred to him that teenage girls might not want him.

    It has nothing to do with perfect relationships. It has everything to do with selfishness and entitlement. These jerks are bottom feeders no matter what their social status.

  • So Dr. Demento went off with a previous affair partner, the fabulously interesting, blond and leggy, Slunty McHobag. Moved far away (yahoo) and proceeded to be her perfect man…Well father’s day rolls around. So DD30 calls him for 10 minutes. DS28 who I speak with every week, has to be reminded that it is Father’s Day. He says, “Oh thank you Mum for telling me.” and DD20 not sure she called at all. Not my circus and not my monkeys. Like they said on Fiddler on the Roof, “Rabbi, is there a blessing for the czar?” Rabbi says, “Yes, May the good Lord bless him and keep him far away from us.” and then the Rabbi spit. (If I recall it correctly.) I believe I win… and he can keep his winsome, alcoholic, chickenshit, hobag far away from us. I never thought it would happen but I got the kids. Way too much energy to maintain a relationship with the kids, doncha know. I WIN… HE SUCKS and each and every day..I STILL WIN… HE STILL SUCKS.

  • A lot of life unhappiness is rooted in comparing ourselves to others.

    I know that the near 20-year difference between me and the MOW was a true punch in the gut. And I hated her because she had kids and I don’t; because her mom was still alive and probably not a narcissist and mine has passed and was pretty high on the narcissist scale; and because she won the Jackass prize.

    I’ve said before that I did a kind of “pick-me dance” in my own head. It wasn’t that I was going to get Jackass back. He discarded me, as the letter writer today was discarded. But I still wanted to compete, to know that I was smarter, kept a nicer house, had better taste in clothes, on and on. Now, looking back–eh. Not even “meh.” Eh. Who cares? Even if she was the best impression management social media poster ever, it wouldn’t mean that she was better or that her life was better. All I needed to do was focus on making my life as good as it can possibly be.

    Nearly 4 years out and I can say that life is not an unbroken chain of pure happiness. Even when are lives are in generally stable and happy, we have challenges. Things happen. We get older. But comparing ourselves to people who abandon their kids, to cheaters, to people who cause others to suffer–that’s a giant waste of time and energy.

  • I know this column ran previously, but its message is worth repeating to all the new Chumps.

    Schmoopie had blocked me from her Facebook feed long before I realized that she and CheaterX were having an affair, so imagine my surprise when I discovered that she’d unblocked me. Yep, she and CheaterX had just gotten married and there were a whole lot of pictures of the wedding showing how happy they were, how happy CheaterX looked, etc. She had pictures of the stuff that they’d done with the marital home, etc.

    Guess what! She moved out of the house 8 months later and filed for divorce. The marriage didn’t last a year.

    She needed me to get sucked into her drama. I blocked her on FB and, when I discovered that CbeaterX had unblocked me, I blocked him. All her drama kibbles got cut off.

    I have no idea if my lack of participation in their relationship contributed to the demise of their marriage, but I do think that it’s non-coincidental that she unblocked me when she got married. My take is that a lot of these disordered types can’t be happy unless they think they’re making you miserable. The only way to win at this is not to play. Block them, turn your back, and march in your own direction.

    • Absolutely kb! Giving them an attention…….gives them more power over your life. Give them what they deserve- nothing!

      Get rid of the FB! Pain shopping sucks!

  • I stalked FB and found a pic of them together on her site, not his (he practices detachment). The pic has got to be airbrushed. You cannot go from puffy alcoholic faces to what I saw in that picture. Whole chins were missing.

    Plus, he’s out front by a few inches, smiling smugly, full frontal into the camera. She is behind him, leaning towards his shoulder, looking anxious like she’s trying to squeeze into the picture. Of course the comments are “Beautiful couple”, and that nauseating “Beautiful inside and out”. But there is desperation in her face. He used to walk in front of me all the time … I’d ask him not to. He’s been seen walking in front of her. She’s just his latest adoring fan who doesn’t have postmenopausal vaginal pain.

    Oh, and while I’m at it, what better broad to latch on to than someone who works 12-hour shifts and makes the big bucks. Gives him a lot of “me time” and more money for himself. I’ve known the AP for years, and she is not beautiful inside nor out. She is no one to be jealous of, although I have my moments still, those temporary lapses of insanity when I think they’re happy. They aren’t … they’re ignorantly blissful. There’s a difference.

  • You dodged a bullet.

    There’s always going to be someone prettier, smarter, younger etc. Obsessing over that kind of thing is an exercise in futility. It’s time to find something else to focus on, new hopes and new dreams, time to build them.

  • My STBX is dating someone 10 years his junior and tries to act like he just turned 30, not in his mid 40’s.

    He’s gotten a Mohawk (not a good look), tattoo (cross with wings… go figure), and likes to sport converse ( which he wouldn’t have been caught dead in before). He looks ridiculous!

    So let him look stupid with his young girlfriend, I could always use a good laugh!

    • Cheaters are like Peter Pan……..they don’t grow up. They stay stuck in kiddie-ville forever That’s a huge part of the reason they are cheaters in the first place.

  • Just some lingering thoughts on Barbie and Ken Dolls.

    You see them on the shelves in stores, gorgeous, handsome creatures, ( not real).
    Which one shall I choose to play with?
    They are so perfect, I will have a collection of them and playing with them will be lots of fun, depending on how I feel today!

    My two daughters had lots of Barbie Dolls, they were young when Barbies were the IN toy. They spent hours “playing Barbies”

    Now, years later, where are those Barbies? Some of them lay unnoticed in the bottom of the toy box, some
    missing legs, missing arms, their hair has been coloured different crayon colours, their beautiful clothes are missing,
    no one wants to play with them anymore. They are discarded. They weren’t real. They served their play purpose and now, sadly,
    they just don’t matter anymore. Hell, even the toy box is gone. Who knows where, who even cares!

    Just thinking…….

    • Everyone gets old. No one stays young and sexy forever. In the end…..cheaters like this guy can be found in the nursing home masturbating in his diaper- alone!

      • @Leavingthecrapbehind…eww, lol! But I agree. And Peacekeeper is right too.

        In my late teens and early twenties, I was very pretty…wore a size 4 (sometimes even as small as size 0); short skirts and high heels; some people said I looked like a doll. But the truth was that this was how certain people viewed me.
        Not as a person with thoughts, feelings, hopes and fears. The Ex liked to show me off to his friends because I was a pretty girl with low self-esteem but he had NO respect for me AT ALL.

        Now in my thirties, I’m fat, especially for being short. I certainly don’t look like a doll now. I’m not afraid to speak my mind or debate with people anymore…not like when I used to worry that men would find it “unfeminine” to actually have opinions.
        The Ex discarded me once he was done with me. And it was then that I realized that he never valued ME…only what I looked like and what I could do sexually.

  • Thanks so much for posting this. Very timely and greatly needed by me right now. My H’s girlfriend was his married employee, with two young kids. They planned their simultaneous exits from their families, and now nearly two years later strive for legitimacy. They just spent 2 weeks in Bora Bora while I am working a new full time job that doesn’t give me two days off in a row, and I spend my random days off driving 4 hours one way to go help my ailing parents. I’ve been struggling with some jealousy lately. Intellectually I know she is nothing but a slunt that couldn’t even be faithful to her own husband for 9 years. My H is a POS that turned on a dime after 25 years, abandoning a committed wife and 3 daughters, two still at home at the time. Neither of them are people I would want among my circle of people. I need to continue to remind myself of that.

  • My ex used to examine me and complain if my eyebrows weren’t a certain thickness or my hair wasn’t perfectly straight. Went to counseling and his gripe about me was I didn’t wear designer clothes and enough makeup. Hey he was shallow! If I got sick, he got mad. He dropped me off at the front of the hospital when I had a tumor removed from my breast. I could go on about the abandonment if I had to have any medical procedure. Married 30 years to this clown. Now he’s the OW’s problem! Men like my ex are boring. They know nothing about loving a real person. They are all facade. I am much more interested in a person’s intellect than what they look like. My ex’s OW well good luck to her! Trying to maimtain the visual upkeep to keep the new boyfriend interested will be exhausting especially at her age!

  • I am a tall blonde with long gorgeous legs! (Irish/German/Lithuanian). That didn’t stop Pervy Pants from pursuing web cam hoes, internet hook ups, and porn. It’s not about what YOU look like! Or what Swedish Schmoopie looks like. It’s about his fucked up moral deficiencies.

    What man in his right man would take up with a woman who dumps her kids? What woman can be “happy” without her kids? It’s all a sham- don’t feel jealous or less than!

    Besides…..you may think you are “average looking”- because you just had your heart stomped on. I would bet the farm…..lot’s of people think you are beautiful. Don’t buy into his “version” of YOU!!!!

    One of the two- will start cheating on the other. Their relationship is a house of cards that will come tumbling down fast and hard. Move on….heal…..and stop comparing yourself to a giant blob of Swedish shit.

  • @Librawoman…”they know nothing about loving a real person”. Absolutely, and there is so much freedom when we realize this.
    I have also dealt with guys who treated me like shit and would criticize my appearance like I was some type of “project” that needed to be improved.
    The biggest issue for them was my hair (it wasn’t straight enough) and my clothes (one guy said I needed to wear more casual clothing, yet complained about my jeans).

    I know that men are visual but being treated that way really hurt. Back then, I was young and dumb and desperate to appeal to men in every way I could.
    Now…yeah, not as much anymore. I think because I got sick of trying to please people who didn’t care about me.
    I’m all for wanting to look my best and feel like a million bucks, but it bothered me to constantly hear that I wasn’t good enough.
    And after one abusive relationship ended, The Ex wound up with somebody far less attractive…I never could figure THAT one out.
    Maybe because she was thrilled that a guy would pay attention to her?

    My husband has seen my weight climb to 170 lbs. (and I am short); he has cleaned up my vomit; he has seen me without makeup; he has seen my hair at its worst; he has seen me depressed and bawling my heart out.
    And although our marriage isn’t perfect, I have to say…THIS is what reminds me of how thankful I am to finally have a decent man in my life.

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