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Flip the Script — The Un-Letter

So the other day we shared our mortifying, hallucinogenic hopium trips. Many of us (raising my hand) wrote humiliating letters entreating our exes to recommit to the marriage, or we hard sold them on our children or ourselves, or made cringe-worthy promises that we would change if only the cheater would quit cheating. We accepted blame for their abuse, and then said, “Please sir, I’d like another.”

Okay, and the WORST thing about those soul-sloppy entreaties? They were unanswered. The cheater never handed in their therapy homework assignment on YOUR worth. Nope, they just lapped up another bowl of kibbles.

So your assignment today is to flip the script. Whatever you wrote in that letter? UN-write it. If you wrote Five Reasons Why We Should Keep Our Marriage, now it’s Five Reasons Why My Life Is Better Without You. If you begged them to love you? Now you write a letter extolling your self worth. If you wrote 10 Things I’ll Change, now you write 10 Things I Will Never Accept Again in a Relationship.

And when you do this, all the Chump Nation magic mojo will transform your humiliation into mightiness. Forget those old letters, because you have a new script.

TGIF!

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  • I did this and never thought it was something other chumps did. This is scary as hell. It just reconfirmed for me just now (20 months out) that he is a narc. I don’t care what he (or his family) says. He never answered it too. He said he “loved the letter but had nothing he wanted to apologize for because he wasn’t cheating” (when in fact I had proof subpoenaed that showed up mo the later that showed he went and slept with her the day I accused him of cheating and left). But yet I made it up and til this day he’s with the same girl but he’s yet to admit to cheating. (I realize I’m not doing my homework assignment correctly but I just can’t get over that I wasn’t the only chump to do this letter).

    • Holyshit… pick your chin up off the floor. The more you come back to CL’s site and engage with CN, you’ll see that your Cheater was far from original. They’re too lazy to be different. And yes, you will get clarity (some you wish you didn’t have)… and you will see, your life will only get better without him. Now – do your homework!

      • I wrote to him a long, emotional, positive letters of how great it would be if we reconciled and how much I loved him, blah blah blah. He answered with:

        :——-(

        In narcspeak, that’s a sad, sad person with a big tear.

        This guy is retirement age. I’ve had recent dealings with him about wrapping up our joint possessions to which he’d reply in emoticons. I had to ask him to use his words … he answered that request with “K”.

        • This is the actual letter that I wrote to an open letter website:

          Dear mistress/now girlfriend-

          It takes a lot of balls to date a married man. I can just imagine how proud your family is of you. To be a new employee at your job and date your forty-something boss, a married man with 2 children. You must be swimming in a sea of self-confidence knowing that he broke up his family, got kicked out of his house and went crawling back to you. Congratulations on scoring the man of your dreams.

          Now that he is divorced you are free to share your love openly. You no longer have to hide your relationship and can declare your true love for each other. You can parade around in front of the community, in front of your families and in front of my children. This must be everything you’ve ever dreamed of. Never mind that he is old enough to be your father.

          I know how wonderful love is and I’m sure things are absolutely picture perfect in your world. But- I was married to him for 17 years and I feel it is only fair to share a few things about him that you may not know. I feel the need to enlighten you. It was hard to narrow down his best qualities, but I think I may have captured a few for you.
          1. Did you know he bites his nails and spits them wherever he pleases?
          2. Did you know he belches as if he’s a farm animal?
          3. Did you know he pisses in the shower?
          4. Did you know he throws his clothes on the floor?
          5. Did you know that when he gets nervous he has to shit his pants?
          6. Did you know that he actually HAS shit his pants?
          7. Did you know that he has also shit the bed?
          8. Did you know my mother had to teach him to use a washing machine?
          9. Did you know he used to play with his son by laying on the couch and dangling his arm over the side?
          10. Did you know he never once got up with his infant daughter, not once?
          11. Did you know there were some nights he just didn’t come home?
          12. Did you know he likes to hit on women in front of you?
          13. Did you know he blamed me for my miscarriage?
          14. Did you know he was written up for sexual harassment at 2 different jobs?

          I know, I know you don’t want to believe any of this. You are young and you believe you can change him. I did too. He’s charming and knows exactly what to say. Oh, and you must know he likes to drink? Of course you know that! He’s the life of the party, the eternal frat boy. But did you know that he has sought help for being an alcoholic? And did you know he was told he should never drink again? He’s loud and very funny when he drinks. The alcohol gives him power.

          I bet you didn’t realize that his kids don’t get to see him on their first day of school. They don’t get to see him when they get up every morning. They don’t get to see him before bed each night. They don’t get to see him some holidays, and most holidays they now have to split between us. And they most certainly don’t get to see him on the weekends he away with you.

          Those things are not important right now, I’m sure. You have him and that’s all that matters. I hope you are a strong soul and very confident, because soon you will start to doubt everything about yourself. He will make you question every thing about who you are. He will make you feel inferior. Nothinh you do will never be good enough for this man. Being married to him was a very dark and lonely place. Even lonelier than being a single mother, if you can imagine that!

          One day, I will look you in the eye and thank you. If it wasn’t for you, I might still be in that loveless marriage. I have been set free and am now able to live the life I was meant to live. A life filled with people who truly love and support me. A life filled with inner peace and happiness. I have been given an amazing opportunity and new lease on life.

          Just remember this: a leopard doesn’t change his spots.
          I wish you the very best.

            • Piala

              What the OW never realize is that if they can cheat on their wife and leave their children, you can bet your ass they are faithful to NO ONE. The question the OW should ask themselves knowing they are with a married man should center around WHY one would engage with someone willing to lie and cheat.

              • I honestly can’t understand how this isn’t just common sense. Pretty sure you have to be dumb to think winning a married man is not winning at all.

              • Yeah I understand. OWs suck, but the whole list you wrote down would make any woman run (incl. you). He seems creepy. Just let them have eachother. Who wants a man who shits in his pants anyway. I’m just surprosed you managed to stay with a man like that so long. He seems dumb.

            • My first boyfriend who I loved dearly, also a narc and alcoholic, regularly pissed the bed when drunk. We are talking about twice a week. Did not faze him. How the fuck did I put up with that and guess who changed the sheets….

          • 5. Did you know that when he gets nervous he has to shit his pants?
            6. Did you know that he actually HAS shit his pants?

            Classic and brutal. I LOVE it. What a revolting super freak.

            She deserves him.

          • #13 is unconscionable. I’m disgusted for you. How dare he blame you for a miscarriage? I’m rejoicing with you, that you are free of this monster; this pants-shitting monster.

    • They can’t bring themselves to take even an ounce of responsibility, can they? My Narc ex-wife consistently denied (and still does) that she was having an affair with the OM. Nope. He was “just a friend.” Oddly enough, days after she moved out, “just a friend” moved in with her. Then two weeks after the divorce, they got married. Now, she’s pregnant with his child, due any day now. And yes, I have all the “soul mate” Facebook messages back and forth between them. And I’ve shown them to her. Nope, just a friend. And yes, when we were in wreckonciliation, I caught her at his house after she said she was going jogging. And yes, I have photos of the two of them at his house. Nope, just a friend. Their capacity for self-righteous delusion knows no bounds.

      • My ex moved his stripper/fluffer gf into his house (which used to be our vacation home) before I filed for divorce. She changed the message on the voicemail from my message to hers. When my daughter heard the message and obviously notice the change and confronted her dad about it, he told her the woman who’s voice she heard saying “leave US a message” was a friend who had been at his house for a party, not someone who lived at the house with him. Okaaaaaay…. He was still denying GF’s existence months later at his deposition despite photo and other evidence proving it to be true. His living with her would not have made a bit of difference in the outcome of the divorce so I’m not sure why he lied other than he and the truth were no longer on speaking terms by that point in his life.

        • I have a theory about this… if they can’t even acknowledge the OW/OM… how much do they truly love THEM? They are already DENYING THEM and LYING TO THEM… and they are showing a willingness to be a chump-in-training by accepting it.

          These fuckers are pathetic.

          • You make a good point ICSTMC. My X and his Howorker denied, denied, denied. For all I know they are still denying, but currently living together in HER house. But again, it’s tru luv!

            • X and Skanky are all about the secrets. They get off on them.

              What Skanky doesn’t know is X’s modus operandi is to find someone at work, tell them they have to keep it secret, then find another someone at work and keep that a secret. That’s how he met me. That’s how he met other women while married to me. That’s how he met her.

              I’m only sorry he married me. I would give anything to have found that out before I said I do.

          • Indeed. It’s a puzzle as to why a man would permit his AP to cross so many boundaries and then DENY that those things happened. It sure doesn’t say “love” or “respect.”

          • What was truly odd in my situation is that the stripper/fluffed GF wasn’t the OW. Yes, they got together before we were divorced but a different stripper was the cause of DDay #2. By the time S/F came along, we’d been separated a couple of years already. I can see why he’d be embarrassed by her – he’s the head financial guy for a corporation and she lists Fluffer as her occupation on Linkedin, but it was pointless to deny her existence.

        • Mine is the same. He still denies he cheated 20 months later. The girl (same as the one I accused him of fucking in our bed) is now hanging with my son and he’s taking her to family weddings. With his parents but of course they still deny. I must have made it all up.

      • The first and last emotion filled email i wrote saturated in disbelief was met with a curt reply of ” im sorry you feel that way” and just to make me feel extra special. ..” I’ve paid your life insurance this month but suggest you get a lower premium to suit your buget ” . No irony . Didn’t know i was married for 25 years to a psychopath .

        • I got this email about my house, the kids and I needed to sell our home and get a smaller one that I could afford. I should not have a house bigger than his. Yes he actually told me that. Never mind that his name was not on the mortgage so why would he care?

          Now I am Psychopath free… (awesome book).

  • I think everything I won’t tolerate again can be summed up in the one word: disrespect.
    It happened slowly in a thousand ways, so by the end of my marriage I put up with (despite hating) things like him grabbing my crotch as some crude foreplay, sneering at my job and income… OW truly did me a favour!

    • This!!! I too let what I thought were little things go until at the end I was so disrespected I had completely lost myself. His affair and OW saved my life!

    • Me too! During his affair, he would come up to me in the kitchen while I was cooking dinner and pull my pants back to see if my panties matched my bra….and he thought my job was a joke and something I could manager better timewise.

      • Mine used to slap me on the hip like a horse out of the blue which would surprise/hurt. No matter how many times I asked him to stop doing that, he wouldn’t. He’d just laugh. I agree that not respecting your physical boundaries is something I won’t put up with again.

        • Mine did the same. Thought it was hilarious then when I thought it wasn’t, made me feel like I was uptight

          • Mine used to push my head out of the way if we were driving and he needed a clearer sight of the road. No ‘Move your head darling’, just pushing my head out of the way. The time we were packing the car boot, with friends, on the way to a beach bbq, and he pushed me out of the way, and I snapped ‘Don’t push me!!’ – the Look I got….

      • Mine would walk faster than me and end up waslking ahead like a royal. He always “teased” me I was slow. Dude I was 20 then and was moving just fine.

    • That’s it exactly Vastra. Disrespect. And now that is gone.

      Cheater’s debts and constant funneling of our incomes into his deadbeat family were disrespect. Now the script has flipped and I have everything under control and am actually doing better financially (even though I have to pay my divorce lawyers).

      His refusal/inability to discuss anything uncomfortable and call me a bore was disrespect.
      His sneering, whether at an accomplishment (except if it meant indirect kibbles for him) or a setback, was disrespect. I don’t waste anymore spit on any of this this now. Crap-free life. Totally. Amazing how good this feels.

      His constant undermining my authority over our sons and my simple, common sense orders to them was disrespect. Two of the three have figured things out now. Working on third.

      When I was younger, his groping me in public, but as I got older, walking two meters in front so I would not dim his sparkles was disrespect. Now I don’t give a damn about what people think I look like. Just if they pay attention to what I think and do.

      • Funny how your money goes further without these deadbeats around. Someone asked me tonight how I was managing. I am, a mortgage and all and have been unemployed for 6 weeks. I just don’t spend money on crap, end of..

        • Isn’t that funny Lady b? I have been out of a job for 4 weeks too, but so not stressed out. Before, I would be jumping up and down because I have to cover for all our expenses because he was broke (didn’t realize he was giving money to his whore to help her get a fresh start in life lol). So now, nothing has changed for me really, I still pay for everything but I don’t do because I have to, I do it because I want to for my little ones. We got this Chump Nation!

      • Yep–disrespect.
        Never again, not even a smidgen of it.
        As a ‘man’ on Match learned about me this morning 🙂

      • ClearWaters,
        My Cheaterpants did that from the get go.
        So I refused to go shopping with him because I thought he hated shopping. Now I know he was intimacy avoident and a self-centered *hole.

        • Disgusting, Jeanette. How superficial que these idiots be?

          My ex-FIL was also that way. I once took my ILs to shop at a supermarket and I cringed with shame of my MIL (also a major chump, God rest her soul) because FIL kept trailing me and putting his arm around me, leaving MIL behind to look like he had this young chick fr a girlfriend.

          • And you didn’t tell him to get his hands off you? Man, that’s a major red flag for me; for many reasons I can’t stand a handsy old fart, and that would have ticked me off big time!

      • Mine too! Said I wasn’t interested in sex since this it not a turn on. 15 years later that is still his only move.

    • Oh my. Same here with the crotch grabbing. He’d do it in front of the kids, even. He took away every free moment I had, begging me for sex. We had sex twice a day, every day and it still didn’t stop him.
      I realize now it was a control issue, and not really about him needing sex all the time.

      • I thought I was alone in this, but I’m not! Ex would grab me in public and in front of the kids and I HATED it. I told him to stop doing it and he’d get all, “Oh, you’re too sensitive/I’m just kidding/you’re taking this too seriously.” Oh wow. Disrespect for sure.

        • Same.
          “Oh, hush! The kids can’t see/don’t know what’s going on!”.
          Strangely in public, he acted like he hated me, or I was a complete stranger. He’d always walk ten paces in front of me, while I practically had to run, babe in arms, to catch up.

          • I had forgotten about the walking ahead thing. When we walked to the shops with the kids he would stride ahead at a rapid pace and berate us for being slow.
            Agree it sounds like the crotch and boob grabbing is more a power and control exercise. And of course I was humourless cold bitch for not being turned on by it.
            Still can’t believe how much crap I tolerated, despite telling him it was not ok.

            • What is with the walking ahead thing, I got that treatment too. It was seldom we ever went shopping together but when we did I was forever running to keep up with the fool and I am not a slow walker either. Now I can see it for the disrespect it was . He actually had the nerve to tell me , among other things as he was walking out the door that he always felt people looked at us like we were weird, correction they probably thought your walking twenty miles ahead was weird. pig.

              • Yes, the walking ahead, and then looking back and glaring at me for not keeping up. Whenever we entered a party or restaurant or anywhere where there would be a lot of people, he had to push in front of me to enter first in order to show off his sparkles and lap up all the attention.

            • Wow. Is there a book they follow? “The cheater’s guide to being a pompus dick”.
              Mine would also berate me for being too slow and called me a “prude” because I protested his crotch grabbing.

          • I love this letter. I have been married for 40 yrs. Divorce pending. All the disrespectful acts I received during and now just beginning to see the truths with reading all of these replys. I was a fool all of these years. The lying, the cheating, the living, relying on him instead of myself. I do know that I don’t have to live my life anymore with him. What a selfish prick.

        • Mine would compalin that *I* disrespected him because I didn’t like the public groping. I was a trophy until I wasn’t young enough.

      • Mine would walk by as I was doing laundry and grab my ass. I told him repeatedly that I didn’t like that – a hug, kiss, anything else, but don’t be so crude – I felt that it was demeaning.

        It came from his lawyer that I “shunned his loving touch.” Dick.

      • Pervy Pants would parade out in the kitchen with a boner poking through his briefs. That was my signal to drop what I was doing……and jump on it!

        Sorry dude…..but the party in your panties…..ain’t my kind of party.

  • 1. I will never ever accept blame in your cheating again.
    2. It was more than you wanted me to believe. As in, yes you were drunk, but no you made the advances, not him. Stop the lie.
    3. I will not become the giver of all ever again, especially when you threaten me like a timid forest creature threatens.
    4. I will never ever indulge in opening up the marriage just because you need sex with strangers just to get that one thing I cannot provide you: NRE. You shouldn’t even be needing it at all. You’re emotionally adolescent if you need this.
    5. Fuck off, I’m a good guy.
    6. I will never ever be disrespected by you again. You can try, but there’s nobody home.
    7. I might not be the best looking hunk chunk there is out there, but just look at Brad shit. All looks and no depth of emotion. If you want that, go try and get it. I’m done.
    8. I’m finally able to get some good times going with my sister, parents, and your siblings. No longer will you socially isolate me you f-ing bitch.
    9. You’re going to miss all the comfortable luxury, but that’s all you can see. You don’t get it. It’s more than that in life.
    10. You’re physically not very attractive but you were to me, because my love is wholesome and yours is just shallow shit.

    *drops mic*

    • I’m going to take your list as mine! Sums up my marriage and everything that happened really well.

    • Great letter ODSD! I think #5 was my favorite. Succinct and to the point. ;D If you’re ever in Dayton, Ohio I want to buy you a beer!!

    • NRE? Your Ex needed non-recurring engineering? I am sure there is a dirty joke in there somewhere.

    • Assignment grade – A+

      I ditto your “Fuck off, I’m a nice guy!” When then thought of the cheater enters my brain, I now say out loud or to myself in my head, “Get the fuck away from me!” Works like a charm. 🙂

      • The STRANGEST THING happened the other day. POP has been out of my life for 7 years. I was putting something into the freezer and he crossed my mind (a freezer related incident)–I heard in my head ‘you don’t belong in my life’. All in a matter of nanoseconds.

        Weird. But very true.

        • How’s this. I was three quarter the way through a yoga class at the gym on Thursday and the sudden thought ‘he’s here’ came into my head followed by ‘ don’t be silly’. Came out of class and his car is Right there. Freaked me out.

    • Love this ODSD, many similarities to mine, thanks for the inspiration :)!

      Dear X,

      I rejoice in the knowledge that I do not have to call you anything but my X:
      1. I have no responsibility in causing your affair: We live in the 21st Century, if you were unhappy, you should have filed for divorce instead of starting an affair, your choice of cheating and live a duplicitous double life is entirely on you.
      2. I will parallel parent with you and will continue to keep you accountable by sharing your written communication with me with family and all relevant school/club/child-related contacts so they can all clearly see who you truly are. And yes, this include providing our childcare provider with a certified copy of our divorce decree so they can proceed with their collection process for the fees you want to believe are mine to pay but were ordered for you to pay through our divorce decree.
      3. I no longer try hard to justify your actions for anything but your selfish approach to life. When our kid asks why you are not there, I tell our kiddo where you are. No editing, no trying to make you look good, just facts that talk louder than words about where you decide to be instead to be with our kiddo during your court-ordered parenting time.
      4. I will continue providing our kiddo with the educational services she needs. I will continue making great memories for our kiddo and arrange for my trips according to our divorce decree.
      5. I am most grateful not to have to endure your judgement and comments on my career and money decisions.

      I wish you all the happiness you deserve.

        • My philosophy is, if you are kind and wish good on someone, “pray they get what they need.” If they suck and you wish the worst for them, “pray they get what they want.” The fact is, if these disturbed individuals were to get everything they wanted in life, they would a) be gone from our lives, never to bother us again, and b) suffer horribly.

          • Exactly. No matter what she wants or needs, she’d be gone. It’s for the best. They can only heal their selves, and I’m not sticking around for it. Too much hurt.

      • Yes ditto to it ALL. It’s so true that they are all the same. And yet no justice in the courts. Is it that judges need training or that BEING a judge puts one in a position where power is given to the already narcisstic personality? Worth an Independant study!

  • Dear stupid,

    Life is so much better now that we’re divorced and here are some random reasons why:
    1. My money is my money. I’m not going to hear from you that we have a huge bill to pay and so I need to come up with the money to pay it.
    2. My vacations are my vacations. No longer do I have to use that valuable time off from work to visit your family on the farm or visit your friends for the annual Big Chill in one of the tiny Midwest towns that are so expensive because it takes two planes to get us there.
    3. I don’t have to listen to a replay of your last 18 holes of golf or how you won the tennis match.
    4. I no longer have to listen to that Frank Sinatra station hosted by the old guy who sounds like his teeth are slipping.
    5. I can go to the movies whenever I want and can choose the movies I want to see.
    6. I can sleep in.
    7. Or I can go to bed when I’m tired.
    8. I don’t have to cook dinner and clean up.
    9. I don’t have to iron or do laundry
    10. I don’t have to host dinner parties for people I don’t want in my home.
    11. I don’t have to deal with your mother and father who after 30 years of marriage would never tell me when they were leaving!
    12. I don’t have to hear that issues with darling daughters need to be addressed by me… the old “You NEED to….” conversation!
    1s. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do.

    The world is my oyster and I’m having fun trying new things and going new places and meeting new people. No more damn TRADITIONS!

    Great exercise, CL!

    • #12. I got that too. Whenever he had a complaint about the kids or the nanny he would tell me and expect me to do something about it. At some point I realized I had made myself a tyrant trying to enforce his ideals so I stopped doing it for him and started telling him to “correct” the kids and/or nanny himself. That didn’t go over well with him. That just meant “you didn’t have my back”.

      The sad thing is that towards the end before DDay but when I knew my marriage was suffering, I did start to go back to trying to please him by trying to get the kids to do what he wanted in order to save my marriage. Obviously it didn’t work.

      The sad thing is that this dynamic still plays out this way sometimes. At the end of the year daughter dressed up for an orchestra concert. I thought she looked stunning, but STBX complained that her bra didn’t fit quite right and I needed to take her bra shopping. What I should have done is told him “great why don’t you take her shopping”. Unfortunately, old habits die hard. I took her bra shopping (and she was none to happy about it being offended that Dad didn’t like her choice of bras and he was mad that I let it slip that this was all his idea instead of pretending that I was the one who thought the bra was all wrong). In the end, I didn’t do it right and the new bras did not meet his standards. I am still kicking myself for falling into that trap again. I did, however, tell the mediators (with STBX in the room), that I wanted to make him responsible for buying the kids clothes in the marriage agreement “because if he takes charge of that they will be better dressed”.

      • How horrible for your daughter–instead of “Yes, honey, you look lovely,” what she gets from Dad is “Ewww! Your boobs are all wrong!”

        Don’t tell me that’s a coincidence (he just HAPPENS to fixate on body area likely to cause teen girl great anxiety and self-consciousness). Cruel.

        You are well rid of him, and I hope your daughter is able to see through his mindfuckery.

          • Yeah, here’s another creeper thing my ex-cheater/predator said about our daughter a few years ago, “XYZ has a very curvy body.” A dad noticing the curves of his daughter is disgusting and creepy IMO.

        • He used to blame her for her acne too. Actually I think that was his fault for causing her so much stress.

          • Yes! Both of the girls’ skin cleared up after he left. I tried to shield them from the stress, but they felt it. They also knew he was hurting me. It was written all over their faces.

          • One thing my X said his father was on their case about too when he and his siblings were high school aged. Yeah, let’s pick the one thing you *should* KNOW teens are sensitive about and say very loud and cruel things about something they can’t entirely control and struggle with daily. That’s classic narc behavior for you. Assholes.

        • Yeah, I think that’s freaky. If I was a young woman I’d be totally grossed out by my father mentioning the way my boobs look in my dress.

          • I’m not a young woman. And any man – but yeah, especially my father – EVER mentioning the way my boobs look in a dress. Shudder. Very rapey. And fuck right off.

            • I totally agree with this. Giant red flag of a man with zero boundaries. And if the mother doesn’t think there’s a problem with the fit of the DRESS (because the right bra is often a matter of how the dress is cut), then there is likely no problem with the undergarments. And if the father had an issue, he could ask his wife about it privately and get an explanation, if his motives were kind and thoughtful.

      • Dad concerned about the fit of daughters bra? Unless it was because her boobs were falling out of her dress and he thought creeps would ogle her, that’s just weird.

        Celebrate that he is gone!

      • Think about putting the old habit of doing whatever he says in order to please him/feel good about your parenting to death. Cheaters like to control. They enjoy the power.

        NC = a clean blow to them speaking into your life

      • This is why I love Chump Nation so much. Whenever we thing something may be off about our cheater’s behavior we can come here and get validation that, yes in fact, he/she was being irrational. It is easy to get confused on that point when all you have is cheater telling you that he/she is the rational one and you are the one behaving badly.

    • Oh yeah forgot all the bills are way less. Especially the web bill, Jesus was 700$ one month, silly naive me didn’t realise it was because he was skyping his overseas whore!

      • Mine always used the royal we. “We need to…” But it always meant “I expect you to take care of this” and he would often give me exacting instructions on how he wanted things done or how I should conduct conversations sometimes even scripting it. He would get mad if I said “you do it then.” And of course he would critique me and tell me I should welcome the feedback so I could improve. Oppressive.

    • Awesome!!!!
      #5 – #9 === yeeesssssss!!!!!

      I love doing as I please around the house without worrying about what he will say!!!

    • 1. I no longer have worry that you are stealing my retirement money because it is going into a real retirement account instead of your fake family funds!
      2. I no longer have to wait for you to come home with your all those fucking excuses of how you had to work. long overtime and company trips that you never brought home money for!
      3. I no longer have to put up with you locking me out of our bedroom while you sleep on the bedroom set that I bought!
      4. I no longer have to put up with you and your constant sneaking around on your cell phone and computer accounts!
      5. I no longer have to fake to my family and friends that you are being a super hero father and provider when in reality your a selfish abusive Asshole!
      6. I no longer have to put up with your fake dramatic illnesses that you displayed for sympathy, to get out of work or for workers compensation!
      7. I no longer have to go on vacations with your gold digging family members that never paid for anything but eat caviar, steak and lobster on our bill!
      8. I no longer have to lie to our children that you are a good man when clearly they can see that your not!
      9. I no longer have to put my cars in your name only!
      10. I no longer have yo get your permission to spend my own money!
      11. I no longer have to worry about you giving me an STD!
      12. I no longer have to worry about you moving miles away from civilization, cutting my clothes, belittting me in front of our sons, withholding love, money and sex, preventing me from getting jobs or going back to school or even having my own bank acccount!
      13. I no longer have to worry about your threats of suicide when you were extorting marital funds for 36 years!
      13. I no longer have to worry about you and your whore trying to steal our home because I sold it to you during the divorce!
      14. I no longer have to worry about the furniture you stoled because I gave it to you after the divorce and shot out anything that reminded me of your sociopathic ass!
      15. I can thank god everyday for ChumpLady and waking up out of a 36 year toxic fog!

      • Wow, Gail. You were married to a fucking asshole. I wish you all the best in your new life. You deserve it.

  • Tomorrow my cheater ex is wedding Schmoopie, church, dinner et all. I would officially, on this forum of fine people, like to thank them both.

    In two weeks time I am taking my kids on a week’s vacation to a five star hotel in Crete (Greece) I would have never afforded whilst married to ex (due to his extravagant spending habits). I am also having a job paid twice than the previous one, because thanks again to their FB photos/posts of their new found happiness, ex and Schmoopie managed to anger good people who helped me find this job. Thanks to the stress of their affair I lost 20 kg and got my adolescence body back. Also my kids are finally having a stress free home where they get to run around the place, scream and get creative without someone yelling constantly at them for, well, being kids.

    Bonus: I got back in touch a load of family members including from his side who were pushed away by ex’s sheer stupidity and arrogance while dealing with them, his own children and life in general. I also made surprising new friends and reconnected with old ones and our lives is filled with joy, support and good energy pouring from everywhere.

    And while there are still lonely nights and every day struggles, ex’s and Schmoopie’s love affair made room for a lot of good things and people to come into our world.

    I smile a lot these days and drink my coffee the way I like it: strong and sweet.

    Good riddance!

    • Good for you Unchumping. And even though it will be a hard day you’re strong and keep living your life.

    • Right there with you Unchumping! Getting rid of the X gave me my parents and siblings back. It has been WONDERFUL to have people in my life that don’t suck the life out of it.

      I too make more money by sheer fact of not having to pay for his unemployed ass. Went out and purchased furniture and clothing and am loving the freedom to do what I want with the money I make.

      I’m so glad I know now that my X was such a loser. Feels great to be rid of him.

      • Getting rid of my ex has given me back all this time and energy that I can now use to be a more present, creative, and helpful mother, sister, daughter, friend, etc. It’s wonderful to fill my own cup first and be able to use the overflow to enrich other’s lives, instead of pouring so much into my ex and his family’s cup, which had an empty, gaping hole at the bottom.

    • As CL writes in her book… YOU WON THE LUGGAGE! I am so proud of you and your mightiness. And, how awesome that your kids get a sane parent and an awesome childhood. Just freaking fantastic!

      (Of course, since I’m not completely at meh… I am going to hope that they both get food poisoning at the reception.)

    • “Thanks to the stress of their affair I lost 20 kg and got my adolescence body back. Also my kids are finally having a stress free home where they get to run around the place, scream and get creative without someone yelling constantly at them for, well, being kids.”

      Thanks for writing that. I need constant reminders as to why we are better off without him in the house. It is still hard for me to be grateful for losing him but these kinds of reminders will make that possible someday. Nowhere near meh yet, but at least I know there is reason for hope because there really are reasons why I am better off without him. I just have to work through this annoying anger stage.

      • chumpinrecovery, I’m nowhere near meh yet, either (I found out about the affair in February), but being here has made me realize that it will happen one day. I looked through journals I’ve kept since 2002 (we got married in 1999) and I saw SO MUCH pain in them. I can’t believe I lived with him for so long and put up with his shit.

        Like you, I need the constant reminders, too, as I remember the good times, as well. But we will get there. 🙂

      • I lost 10 kgs and you could bounce a coin off my ass. I like to wear yoga pants when I see him, just to piss him off.

    • Unchumping, congratulations on all your accomplishments, especially getting rid of the load.
      Enjoy your holiday in Greece,
      Life will only continue to get better.

    • Good on you – I aspire to your mightiness! I hope yesterday was ok for you. My ex aka “the Sprout”, got married end of April – we had been together for 20 years but never married and he left early Dec last year. I was dreading the day but in the end it was really a bit of a non-event for me. My children, age 12 (11 at the time) and 14 chose not to go to the wedding. Mine also did the whole big bash, including religious bits (when he had never been inside a church other than weddings/funerals in his life previously) and I know spent a lot of money on it. He never wanted to get married to me – I wasn’t overly bothered, but I cringe at the excuses I made for him not wanting to now (a lot of cringing generally!).
      I’m not as far ahead as you by any means but I am also in the position of knowing in the long term I’ll be financially much better off. He earns a lot of money but spent it wildly – he really does fancy himself as James Bond (same cars, same watches etc! – sadly they don’t turn you into Daniel Craig!). I earn less but a reasonable amount and I don’t need to spend it propping up my ridiculous self-image.
      It is great to hear your tale of mightiness. Xx

  • I sorta wrote such a letter already- as a preemptive counterattack so I wouldn’t write a sob letter I guess.

  • Dear Stbx narc cheater…,

    You have announced that you can’t take “it” anymore and you want out of the marriage. You now inform me that it takes two to have a relationship and only one to end it and you gotta want it. In your words: we are not dating anymore and you can’t just flip a switch.

    All I can say after 27 years of what I mistakenly thought was a marriage, is grow up already. You are not two and are no longer the king of your universe despite the fact that your mommy treats you that way.

    I now realize life is all about you. You don’t have a clue as to how others feel. It must really suck to not feel for others and only have a capacity for two emotions-anger and pleasure. I will now leave you in that personal hell that I foolishly tried to be a part of all these years.

    I know I was your communication bridge to our 5 children and now that you burned it, it cannot be resurrected from the ashes. That bridge you are attempting to build through your new age therapist is looking pretty rickety. I am sure schnoopie will be happy to jump in and save you when it collapses.

    I am so happy that you have found “new and fresh” with schnoopie. I am sure that 53 rear old vagina has an amazing shelf like- kind of like a Twinkie.

    I thank schnoopie for opening my eyes to the fact that all the red flags I ignored were real and now without you, I will at least have a chance to experience love someday and that will be new and fresh for me.

    Knowing your obsession with sex with mirrors, I will leave you with a wishful fantasy, spray mirrors ( kind of like a spray tan) to cover her entire body so you get a good view no matter which way you enter.

    Sayonara ,
    Feelingit

  • 1. I will never accept “blind trust” unknown passwords. Only full transparency!
    2. I will never take assignments as to what I need to do to improve myself. Also known as if u do this all will be good. And each time I did, something else was wrong with me.
    3. There will be boundaries and I will not accept them being crossed over and over!
    4. DDay is last day.

    It is amazing what I overlooked and accepted. It is amazing how instead of taking your good will as an opportunity to fix a problem, they see it as a weakness and use it against you. Knowing what I know today, the moment she changed her passwords, is the day I should have walked away and never spoke to her again! Would have saved me 6 years of my life of pain!

    • DavidB, your list sounds like my last year of life. It’s awful how much we sacrifice and overlook isn’t it?

      • It’s what I overlooked! Or as I now call denial! I made it easy on her. I was so sure she was acting out to push me to do something better. No way could she ever really cheat!

    • DavidB, blind trust, is exactly what I did. X comes across as a righteous man, always quick to bring to my attention the indiscretions of others especially people he worked with, ending the conversation with some reference to him being my best friend and would never..,
      For months maybe years, more often in the year before he left my intuition told me something was “off.” I remember one afternoon X and I were in the kitchen after lunch, having small talk, when out of nowhere I asked if he had been with someone. It was like someone else had taken over my brain.
      X chuckled, Brit, do you think I’m that kind of guy? he turned things around, Brit you should write novels, ha, ha, you’re watching too many soap operas. (I’ve never watched soap operas). quite the imagination Brit. Have you thought about finding hobby? you have too much time on your hands,
      You know I’m not that kind of guy, I’l never forget him saying those words.
      Afterwards I felt guilty for asking, as hard as I tried to shake it off the gut feeling wouldn’t go away.
      Denial, blind trust, ignoring gut feeling. Believing X was something he wasn’t. His lectures on how honest he is, how lucky I am that I married him, because so many men cheat. He’s a man of integrity.
      I would have bet my life X wouldn’t cheat.., yes, DavidB, I now have a new word to add to my cheating vocabulary, “Blind Trust.”

  • Dear X,

    Now that you are no longer in my life, I promise:

    1. To give myself the kindness that I looked for you to give me but never, ever received. You showed me who you really were when we were dating and I’ll be damned but I didn’t believe you. Now I completely understand that you cannot make someone change. You can’t replace a heart where there was none to begin with.

    2. To believe what people do and make sure that their actions match up with what they are saying.

    3. To stop spackling for anyone in my life. To start telling it like it is and allow people’s actions to speak for themselves.

    4. To love the freedom of being free from you, a cheater and a tyrant. I make it on my own just fine without you and it’s wonderful to not have to cook and clean for someone who doesn’t appreciate it, berates and belittles me at every turn, demands that my needs and desires be vanquished, who is unable and unwilling to get a job and be a contributor to the household and whose negative outlook on life completely drained the life from my bones.

    5. To never meddle with the type of man who disrespects or stomps on my boundaries. Being single is much more fulfilling than ever being with the likes of you again.

    Sincerely,
    Marriage Detective (no more! That freedom has definitely gone to my head too)

  • Dear Ex,

    I didn’t realize it at the time, but you were slowly destroying my soul.

    I got my soul back.

    I am alone, but my heart is lighter. I will protect and nourish my soul better from now on.

    Thank you for slipping up and revealing your double life after four years rather than later.

  • Dear departed delusional twisted sociopath,

    Please give me the OW’s address so I can send her chocolate and flowers for being there for me.

    I had no idea how wonderful life was until you left.

  • I’ll take a bit of a different slant . . . So, as part of signing up for a 3day intensive post D-day that included a full disclosure followed by polygraph, I signed an agreement saying that, no matter what he did, I would stay in the marriage for one year following (he signed saying he would stay in 2 years – no matter what I did). I took this seriously when I signed it and expected to do so. As a honest and reliable chump my word is my bond…Until it wasn’t.

    After hearing the most horrific, unfathomable, and dispicable disclosure imaginable (solid serial cheating the entire time I’ve know him — over 30 years) AND THEN watching this mother fucker go half-assed at “recovery” for two months following the three day intensive . . . Finally, I shut that shit down. After all the previous looking for answers from the sex addiction “professionals” and deferring my better judgement to their “expertise” I said “FUCK that agreement I signed. It’s not binding. And, I cannot and will not stay in this marriage another minute of another day.

    So, that, my friends was the Un-Agreement! Which then led to filing, no contact, and the path to healing, peace and true happiness.

    • Woo hoo! Nikki Lynn, you are mighty! (though I would have loved to see cheater boy take you to court for breaking your contract, only to have his sexual filth pour out into a public record.)

    • Nikki Lynn, I am so very proud of you for chucking the “agreement” and standing up for yourself. It’s hard to do when you have loved someone, and the Reconciliation Industrial Complex only makes it harder. Congratulations!!! Your new life awaits!

    • Awesome mightiness! I’m so sorry he put you through that and so glad that you are free now.

  • Cheater, fake tears streaming down his cheeks, looked at me pityingly while informing me (now that he got caught and I told him to GTFO) and said someday I too, might get a “second chance.” Pretty sure he meant, as he’d said many times, that if it didn’t work out for him with whore, that he would come back to me. Lucky me, instead the second chance was my chance to live the rest of my days Cheater-free.

    • I got (and wanted to believe at the time) the “maybe, someday” wistful nonsense also. Yeah, it will be a long, long time.

  • This sparked a trip for me to the drawer where I keep the copied of the letters I sent him…a huge pile of them…explaining why the things he did hurt me and begging him to quit being mean. Years of them. Begging over and over again. I want to say that I learned slowly then, but its not true, in reality, I didnt learn at all. He was mean, I begged him to be nice, he was mean….

    So what would my un-letter look like?

    If he were alive and I could write him something that he would read and I wrote it knowing the full truth of his serial adultery.

    Nowdeadcheater,

    Direct all communications to my attorney and do not contact me directly. If we ever find ourselves in the same location and you touch me, I will have you arrested for battery.

    Don’t be an asshole to the kids.

    STBXW

    • My now dead husband, gave me,
      1. myself back,
      2. his life insurance,
      3. The house
      4. The freedom to do what I want, every minute of every day.
      5. The ability to tell him what an ass, idiot, narc and MF everyday. Without having to listen to his BS, rage or pity shit.

      • I hadn’t been myself without him in so long Im not sure there was a self to “get back” I had to get to know myself all over again and I like be, Im rather badass.

        And yes, I got everything. I also created a new life for myself that is really wonderful

  • Ten reasons why you are not a good person

    1. You are good at resentment
    2. You don’t appreciate what you have or what others do for you
    3. You constantly criticize and show distain for those you should love
    4. You blame others for your own self-inflicted unhappiness
    5. You resent any criticism directed at you no matter how minor or how true
    6. You pretend to befriend or even love people you don’t really like
    7. You are selfish, self-centered and incapable of empathy
    8. You put yourself and your happiness above all others
    9. You devalued, betrayed, discarded and replaced to one person who loved you most in the world
    10. You traded stability and honest love for disfunction and a superior blow job
    11. You conspired with Schmoopie to tear two families apart (8 kids total)
    12. You would rather spend holidays with Schmoopie than with your kids (you don’t even want placement on your birthday in the marriage agreement)
    13. You are giving up your night to be Dad on July 3rd (Monday nights are yours in the marriage agreement) to go see fireworks with Schmoopie
    Ok that was thirteen, but I kept coming up with new ones.

    Now 5 reasons why Schmoopie isn’t a good person either.

    1. She pretended to try and make friends with me while fucking you behind my back
    2. She didn’t succeed because she was actually pretty arrogant, condescending, and insulting in her approach
    3. She neglected her family in pursuit of you
    4. She knowingly and deliberately fucked somebody else’s husband while still married herself and then actively and deliberately took steps to ensure that our attempts at reconciliation would fail and encouraged you to leave me and forever complicate your relationship with your kids
    5. She conspired with you to tear two families apart (did I mention the 8 kids total who now come from broken homes that you two broke)
    6. She’s a selfish self-centered slut (but then so are you so maybe you really are soul mates).

    • ^^!!!!!YES!!!!^^^

      Thank you for writing my letter for me, I’m busy at work today.:-)
      Everything you said. Perfection!!
      5 kids in my scenario.

    • Chumpinrecovery, were you married to my ex ??? The only tiny alterations required to make this a perfect fit are;
      I didn’t know OW, and she had already broken up her kids’ family’s by cheating, before meeting my ex.
      I do not concede to the ‘superior blow-job’ part! Only ‘more frequently available blow-jobs’ (’cause in a non-reciprocal relationship, after a while there aren’t as many of those.)

      Otherwise a perfect match! Right down to dumping the kids on holidays. Must be intheir manual.

  • Dear Asshole,
    I no longer care if you care about this letter. I know longer care if you care about how you are hurting me. I don’t even want a response from you. You are a lying, cheating waste of a human life. You can no longer hurt me and you did not break me like I told you you would. I did not kill myself over you. You are ugly, you have a huge nose and deformed face. I do not love you anymore. You were not worth the ink on the paper from my letters or the time that it took to write them. You are a shitty father and always were. You broke your vows and I am sorry I ever took you back the first time. I don’t want your love anymore and I will never ever ever beg another person to love me. You were not worth the 22 years that I wasted on you. You have a corrupt soul. I am better than you and I always was. You are disgusting and you are dumb. If I never see your face or hear your stupid nasally voice again, it would be a dream come true. Thank you for allowing me to live an authentic life, not one where the other person is faking (as you had to have been). You deserve the nasty whore you are with because you are the same. And I am way way above you both. Rot in hell bastard fuckface.

    Fuck you,
    Chumpitty

  • Never wrote any kind of letter to cheater ex. When I took the kids and left, I was done with his sorry butt in every way by then. He made my skin crawl.

    While financially it was touch and go for a while, my boys and I were soooo much better off without him.

    As UnchumpingMyself wrote above, they got to be kids again without being constantly being yelled at it be still and quiet. I got to do life and parenting my way without unceasing criticism for the first time in years. It was a peaceful, sane and loving household at last. All the crazy stayed with cheater ex.

    I’m not saying it was a bed of roses all the time, but it was a million times better without cheater ex and his bullshit. That 11 months between the day we left, and when cheater ex took his revenge, was the happiest time of my life, and I will cherish it always.

    Today, I all can say is that I own my own life. I get to choose everything now! I can get up when I like, and go to bed when I like. I eat what I want, when I want, where I want. My money and my time are my own. I can come and go as I like. My needs are simple and I can easily afford my life style. My pets are loved and cared for with no interference. I get to live my life with no lies or judgements. No one is belittling or manipulating me. Humiliation is a thing of the past and peace of mind reigns. I have friends and family whom I love and who love me without drama. All the toxic people are gone from my life and if I get a whiff of disordered drama with any new potential friend, I just step away…..no muss, no fuss. Guess my picker is in a lot better shape.

    I am so grateful to be away from all the crazy drama and turmoil that was cheater ex and his nest of narcs family. Leave a cheater and gain a life is the absolute truth. Life is so much better away from them.

    A great big thank you to Chumplady and Chump Nation to helping me make sense of it all. It has made a huge difference in my healing process, and I am greatful!

  • Five reasons my life is better without you.
    1. I don’t have to put up with you neediness and mememeing.
    2. I’m not with someone who spends their money recklessly without consideration of family goals or needs.
    3. I don’t have to talk/ argue/ debate with an illogical, irrational person who gaslights and blame shifts.
    4. I don’t feel the pressure of having to cook, look good or say the right thing so you don’t start whining or threaten to leave or find someone else.
    5. I’m free of the mindfuckery and lying that will never change if I take you back.
    6. I don’t fucking trust you as far as I could throw you.
    Yesterday en email, lame,, but saying he wants to come home, tonight he says he can’t talk to me and feels better when he doesn’t. Total mindfuckery…

      • Hope you’re not responding to those e-mails, Lady. Because you’re right, it’s just mindfuckery.

        • Nope no reply, which makes him worse, he ‘poured his heart out’ in that 5 min email.
          No hang on now he’s doesn’t want me and is saving to go to Germany to see shagabag, good luck saving, your crap with money, have to pay child support and rent, don’t earn a huge amount and are 20 k in debt with high interest rate. Basically is resorting to threats to try and come back. As they say in Australia, yeah, nah!

          • In order for him to come back, you’d have to allow him into the door.

            Don’t.

            Take the kids to the beach or something.

            • I won’t be. He has a lease on his own place until March next year and will not be staying here any time. None of his possessions are here and I got the keys back from him.

  • Dear Cunt Fucker,

    I’ll try to briefly summarize how I gained a life since I threw you out, hired an amazing lawyer and divorced YOU.

    There is no chaos in my life. I don’t have to gather evidence, have a sinking feeling knowing there would always be a next. I’ve kept the two homes that I consider to be a good standard of living. I can see the ocean from the loft and walk to the beach across the street. My other home has gardens and a beautiful deck at the fire pit I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with my children celebrating holidays together.

    My income has increased and continues to support my granddaughter and son. I have strong bonds with my children who respect me and love me for having integrity and strength to live better. I’m looking forward to retirement with the pension, Social Security, in the 403B I contribute to now that I don’t have to support you.

    I’ve met many chumps and continue to maintain my lifelong friendships. I find that having authentic people in my life loves me and makes me feel positive and happy. I can finally be spontaneous and independent doing all the things that nourish my soul. While I believed that I changed it so much I really haven’t changed much at all. The difference is that now I recognize the qualities authentic people possess. I stay clear of the disordered and those who are selfish self-centered and on the cluster B spectrum.

    I recognize my worth and my value as a human being and know that regardless of what happens I have a future that I am in control of and no one has the right to abuse me.

    I recognize the power and control I gave to you and how that led me to tolerate pain and suffering that I did not deserve. Facing that pain has led me to gaining a life and knowing that there was nothing I could ever do to become the fantasy of a disordered mind. I was never pathetic; you are the pathetic one. For all the suffering that you put me through I pray each and every day that you continue to suffer seeking out that which you will never have, my soul. It’s no longer yours. And be sure to get all those doctors visits in ASAP because motherfucker I’m dropping you off my health insurance if it’s the last thing I can do. Fuck you.

    • Thanks Lady B and what I might add is that I no longer have to minimize or downsize. One cannot pretend a two inch dick is satisfying or that a downgrade is a dream girl.

      The Limited WAS the only one I had sex with prior to dumping him in 2014. I had no idea what I was missing. Xoxo.

      • “One cannot pretend a two inch dick is satisfying. … The Limited WAS the only one I had se with prior to dumping him in 2014 “. Right there with ya sister, right down to the year! 😉

  • 1. I no longer have your back. You have never had mine.
    2. I will no longer protect you. You have never protected me.
    3. I will never take your side again. You have never taken mine.
    4. I will never protect you again. That is why I told her husband about your affair. It was the best thing that I have ever done for myself . I was giddy with joy to out the both of you and finally stand up for myself. You did not protect me or our children but instead put us at risk.
    5. I no longer believe one word that comes out of your mouth. You have gaslighted me and lied to me for years. I will remember that you cannot tell the truth and will never tell the truth if it in any way makes you look bad or diminishes you. I will tell anyone who asks the truth about who you are… a lying deceitful adulterer.

    • It was never my fault even though you told me that it was. You are a scumbag and always will be.

    • #4!!!! I will never protect you again. I might resent that the most–that not only did I allow his image management, I was complicit in it by always apologizing, putting the best spin on everything he said and did, and just generally never telling people what an ass he really was.

      • Ditto. I never wanted our children to know that he was a lying cheating coward. He was saying bad stuff about me to our oldest (he was 12 then) and was always playing the victim (yeah, right). His children now know about his adultery.
        He would go visit his sisters and tell them that he was having trouble with me but his goal was to set up the mistress as my replacement. C__t. A coward and a c__t.

      • Me too re: #4. I never told anyone about all the awful things he had done to me (and I minimised them to myself a lot of the time) and, where he disparaged me and played the victim to others, I covered for him and built him up to be so much more than he ever was. No longer. However, in a lot of cases I haven’t had to say anything negative about him for people to see him how he is – he has well and truly done that himself. His frantic image management just gives him away as the shallow, ruthless POS he always was.

    • I can’t say all that stuff yet but I will aspire to stop protecting him. I will stop making assumptions that his intentions, values, and character is good.

  • 1. No more spackling.
    2. No more paying for everything.
    3. If I pay for it, then I get a say in it.
    4. Zero tolerance for lying.
    5. Zero tolerance for gas-lighting.
    6. No more doing the lion’s share of the work. You don’t contribute? You don’t live here anymore.
    7. No more being the one to invest the most (financially, emotionally, etc.)
    8. No more eggshells.
    9. No more excuses.
    10. No more explaining myself to validate. I can just say “no” and that is enough. I don’t need to ask you permission.

  • The most important “letter” I ever composed for the Kunty Kibbler were my wedding vows to her.

    My “un-letter” was composed last December 1, on what would have been our 16th wedding anniversary and was, coincidentally, the first official day of separation as mandated by the court.

    Chump Lady was gracious enough to print my “un-letter” — “A Vow To Myself” — as a guest blog: https://www.chumplady.com/2016/12/making-a-vow-to-yourself/

    In the spirit of today’s assignment, here they are again:

    I am forever grateful for every choice I’ve made — each triumph and disappointment, each joy and sorrow — for every twist and turn, hill and valley in life’s journey has, in some way, reinforced the standards and ethics by which I choose to live my life.

    As I continue forward, I promise to learn from any mistakes I make, but to continue to always hold true to what I know to be right, decent, proper and respectful.

    I promise to keep honesty and truthfulness as the foundations of my existence on earth, and to always strive for thoughtful and sensitive communication in all of the relationships I choose to nurture.

    I promise to hold my children as the centers of my life and the cores of my being, and to be the most loving father I can possibly be.

    I promise never to forget that, from this day forward, the trust that I place in others must never be greater than the trust I have in myself.

  • Dear Fucktard,

    I wrote you a letter right after you announced ILYBINILWY and that you wanted a divorce back in October 2015. I poured my heart out to you, professing my love for you and how my heart was breaking because I wanted our little family to remain intact. I didn’t want to leave our children the legacy of a broken home. I begged for your forgiveness of my unforgiveness of your affairs with AP#1 & AP#3 (your ex HS GF) and AP#2, the skank you swore you never slept with despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. I blamed myself for not being a better wife to you and making you feel like you had to step out on me. You never acknowledged that letter. Instead, you fucking played mind games with me, telling me that you didn’t really mean it & that you didn’t want a divorce…maybe we just need a separation to work on our marriage and make it better. Little did I know, you were still fucking your married ex HS GF…something I discovered 10 FUCKING MONTHS after your little divorce speech. So, what did I do? I gave you the divorce you said you wanted, but then didn’t want. If you really wanted a fucking divorce, you would have filed for the damn thing yourself, but you didn’t. You were too busy stuffing yourself with the cake I was giving you and I decided to stop feeding you fucking cake, you sorry piece of shit.

    Since I divorced your sorry ass, I have found myself happier than I have been in YEARS. I have won back the respect from our 16 year old daughter, who was losing respect for me and was angry at me for being your fucking doormat. She and I are closer than we have ever been, while you are scrambling around trying to fix your broken relationship with her. Good luck with that…she has seen you for who you really are and is on the brink of cutting you out. In fact, if I died tomorrow, she has stated that she would rather move in with her best friend’s family and finish out high school rather than live with you.

    My money is my money. I buy what I want, when I want. I don’t have to shell out thousands of dollars for Harley’s, boats, four-wheelers, dirt bikes, horses, etc. I have been to the Caribbean with our kids for vacation this year, something you never wanted to do. I plan on going again on a girls only trip in September. No more just going to the lake in the summers and to the mountains in the winter because that’s all that YOU ever wanted to do. I’m going to travel to places that I have never been and be adventurous, because THAT’S WHO I AM. For the first time ever in my life, I bought a vehicle on my own. It’s a vehicle that I wanted, not something you thought I should have. I am doing mighty things ON MY OWN and it feels fabulous!!

    I no longer have to deal with your fucked up dysfunctional family. They abandoned me & our daughter & we are better off without them in our lives. I have a small circle of family & friends now & it feels good to only have people in my life whom I trust.

    I am dating again. I have rediscovered the fact that I like sex. Actually, I love the fact that I have an intimate connection with a man I feel emotionally safe with…something that I lost with you years ago and sex with you was just another thing on my list of things to do for the day. How pathetic.

    After 21 years being married to your sorry ass, change was hard, but I didn’t realize just how unhappy I was. Going through the divorce itself sucked. But let me tell you, being divorced from you doesn’t suck at all. So, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite song quotes, “Loving you hurt so bad, that losing you feels good.”

    Adios, Asshole

    • Oh, this was brilliant. I need to write that song lyric on a piece of paper and put it on my bed so I can see it every single day.

      • “I tried to hold our love together
        But you let us fall apart
        Now your leaving me for someone else
        Taking what’s left of my heart
        But this time the pain don’t feel that same
        I’m not aching like I should
        ‘Cause loving you has hurt so bad
        That losing you feels good

        I know you’ll come back running to me
        When the thrill is dead and gone
        And you realize the love you need
        Was right here all along
        When you try to restore what we had before
        There’s no way you ever could
        ‘Cause loving you has hurt so bad
        That losing you feels good

        Don’t get me wrong I’ll still long to hold you every night
        But my heart can’t take another break
        When there’s no relief in sight

        I guess you’re wonderin’ why I haven’t cried
        ‘Cause usually I would
        But loving you has hurt so bad
        That losing you feels good

        If there was a way to make you stay
        I wouldn’t if I could
        ‘Cause loving you has hurt so bad
        That losing you feels good”

        Great song by Martina McBride

    • Love this so much: “After 21 years being married to your sorry ass, change was hard, but I didn’t realize just how unhappy I was. Going through the divorce itself sucked. But let me tell you, being divorced from you doesn’t suck at all. So, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite song quotes, ‘Loving you hurt so bad, that losing you feels good.’” That’s the thing that constantly amazes me about my post-divorce life – how happy I am. I fought SO hard to stay in a marriage that was making me miserable. I guess you have to be free of the cheater fog in order to see how good your life can be.

      • This…”I fought SO hard to stay in a marriage that was making me miserable. I guess you have to be free of the cheater fog in order to see how good your life can be.”

        I didn’t realize just how miserable I was until I got out. Granted, the first couple of months post-divorce were hard. I was missing WHO I WANTED HIM TO BE, not who he actually was. It took time to get past that. But, once I did, boy I took off running & haven’t looked back. I get bits & pieces from our kids, especially our daughter who sees him every Thursday, and I’m thinking the grass in his current yard isn’t quite as green as what he had. Sucks to be him.

    • I really like your letter! Focus is in how much better your life is without the jerk. There is so much relief to be out of a dysfunctional relationship once you get through the pain. Just know new chumps, you will get here. It just a rough journey!

      • Yes, getting through the pain takes time. Sometimes you wonder if it will ever go away. But once you focus on yourself (and children if you have any), you replace that pain with joy, happiness, contentment, peace and love from people & things that truly make you happy. At least that’s what I’m experiencing.

  • Dear Edgar Suit:

    Remember that cringe-worthy letter I wrote you after I discovered your affair with Barbara aka Angel Barbie? You know, the one you never bothered to respond to? It’s been almost nine years since I wrote that one and A LOT has happened so I thought it time to write you another letter. I started that other letter with all my insecurities about sex given that you were, at the time, the only man I had ever had sex with. I told you that I was concerned that, based on your attitude and complaints, that I was just BAD at sex and that is what drove you into the arms of another woman. Turns out I was wrong. One of us is bad at sex, it just isn’t me. I’ve discovered the missing component to sex was your inability to be present in the moment with your partner. Having now been with partners who were present with me and who obviously enjoyed being with me, I can say without a doubt that you should definitely continue to stick to partners who you pay to fuck you. They should charge you extra.

    There was the part where I told you how ashamed I was for not giving you what you wanted and needed from our marriage. What a pathetic, cringing, abject mess that woman was. I’m happy to report that I euthanized that sad creature. She is out of her misery. Like a spoiled child, you demanded that I supply you with your every want and desire and never once questioned whether you were making ME happy. And I let you. That’s the worst part to me. Not only did you not consider my happiness, I didn’t either. Now I live with someone who puts my needs first, who considers how I’m feeling and bases their actions on those feelings. Someone who never goes to bed angry and who wakes up every morning in my bed, who I trust implicitly and am learning to love with the love I always wished I had received from you. Before you get all excited thinking that you can terminate your spousal support obligation, you should know that person is me. I’m learning to love and take care of myself so I will never again be dependent on someone else for my happiness. Maybe someday I will find a partner who is worthy of my love and trust but in the meantime, I am busy learning my own worth.

    In my last letter I focused on all my shortcomings. This time around I’m going to list all my good qualities to balance things out. I’m a caring, loyal, compassionate, empathetic person. I don’t lie, cheat or steal from my loved ones or from strangers. My love for my children is not dependent on their adoration of me; I love them and am there for them, every single day no matter what, as long as I have breath in my body. I am accountable for my mistakes. I admit it when I screw up and I try to make things right. I try to live my life in a way that hurts no one and brings at least a little light into the world. I don’t numb myself with alcohol or drugs; I feel what I feel, good or bad, knowing that everything can be worked through with time and patience. I am happy. Not every minute of every day but more often than not. I love my life, the place where I live and the people I surround myself with.
    I want you to know that I don’t hate you. Honestly, I don’t waste much time thinking about you at all. It’s a little shocking really, given that you always accused me of dwelling on the past, how little I think about you or our life together. On those rare occasions when I do think about you, I feel pity. You live in the log cabin we built together to be our vacation and then retirement home. You live surrounded by memories of the family you lost because you didn’t value us enough to keep us. You live with a stripper who now has felony drug convictions to add to her allure. You have no relationship with your daughter who changed her last name so not to be associated with you. You have a very minimal relationship with your son who used to adore you. And you don’t have me. Whatever my flaws, I loved you with my whole heart for more than 30 years. No one will ever say that about you again. That is your loss. I, on the other hand, only lost a man who doesn’t know how to love anyone, including himself and in doing so, I gained a life. I win.

    Beth

  • And I thought I was the only sad soul who did this!

    Dear Serial Cheater with a hooker habit,

    It’s true, I had a rough childhood for the 3 years my mother was in an abusive relationship, but contrary to your theory, that did not make you cheat. It did however, help to prime me to stay with a cheater, and take the blame for your character issues. I’ve grown to realize that you loved to use societal bias to justify your behavior and shift the blame to others. Hey, society says kids who witness violence are dysfunctional, therefore my cheating is because of your dysfunction. No, my only dysfunction was believing the lie that you were who you said you were. Luckily I’ve fixed that dysfunction, and I no longer listen to words, I listen to behavior.

    Since you loved to blame all your shitty behavior on my childhood, did you also know research has shown that children who grow up in less than ideal homes develope strengths children from white picket fence homes do not. Like the ability for strong empathy, strong resilience and grit! BTW, after having spent 18 years observing what happens beyond that white picket fence you so vehemently defend, it’s clear that fence was merely a prop for the façade of normalcy. Your family is f-ed up beyond belief!!!
    Normal people are not …
    pathological liars
    Christians who twist the Bible to fit their agendas
    People who tell you how you “should” feel
    Keep a false mask on so the world thinks they are the perfect family
    Value things and not people
    Continue to violate others boundaries
    Unable to self-reflect and unable to see their own hypocrisy.
    Never take responsibility for their behavior

    So you go ahead a delude yourself into thinking that men who sleep with prostitutes 20 years younger, while lying, deceiving and manipulating are healthy and normal, and the wives who won’t accept it are dysfunctional. You go ahead and delude yourself into the belief that I am a bad parent and your way is the right way. I will counterbalance your dysfunctional model to our children that people are a means to an end, and their value is in what they can do for you, not in who they are. I have already taught them by leaving you, that they should not just accept the bad treatment someone else dishes out and that there are consequences for actions. Yes, I know you believe you are the perpetual victim of my existence, but I will not allow our children to be the victims of dysfunction. I’m thankful for all that has happened because it’s been an eye opening experience into the many faces of your character, and ultimately…. I TRUST YOU SUCK!

    • I LOVE this. Thank you! I was so worried about my kids coming from a broken home like me, but they know life goes on. They know how to triumph in adversity, and they know right from wrong. They own the skill set of setting boundaries now since they do so frequently with cheater x dad. They also know what real love looks like day in and day ou,t in good times and in bad.

      Cheater x has parents who have been married for 60 years? What did he learn from his intact family and honorable parents. Apparently, nothing.

  • Dear Mr. Sparkles,

    Thank you for our son. He is my world and I am proud of him every day.

    Thank you for signing the pre-nuptial agreeement when we married. It was my saving grace when we divorced.

    Thank you for finally leaving me for an OW. I doubt I would have ever left you, no matter the number of D-days. I wasn’t a “quitter”.

    Thank you for continuing to post personal ads on AFF after you left me for the sparkly OW so that I could truly trust that you suck. And, it was nice to see the OW dump you for it.

    Thank you for always making your support payments on time. Keep it up and we’ll get along just fine.

    Thank you for responding to grey rock (it works!). The silence and absence from chaos is sweeter than I could have ever imagined.

    Sincerely,
    ICSTMC

    p.s. Meh!

  • Wait, to be fair my stbx did write me a letter back. He titled it ” your damned email”. He starts out explaining that “councilors are gaywads and wouldn’t understand”. Then goes on to explain that we need a nicer house, with better neighbors. He makes lots of silly demand like doing what he asks me to do. I should sent this letter to the Chump lady. It’s priceless my funny after you see through his narc talk. Here is a clip. This is after him flirting and getting involved with a co worker.

    “Marriage vows are more than about staying loyal. They are about taking care of each other and attending to one another’s needs. Those were broken long ago. Don’t start quoting me things from our religion when you are trying to guilt me into changing. Our marriage was only destined to go until we die. It drives me nuts when women think that. It’s all conditional. Wedding vows are more than just not cheating. I felt betrayed by a lot of things. You can argue what is worse, but for me, it’s all the same. ”

    See! Poor, poor sausage. Thank you Chump Lady because now I find this letter sad and funny!

    • Let me guess… he’s saying he didn’t cheat because you broke the marriage contract before he did, although he didn’t tell you he felt this way until after D-day, right? LOL.

      I wrote an email to my ex right after we separated telling him that commitment is what holds love together. I was just trying to explain to him how I’d been able to stay in our marriage for 30+ years. He wrote back that he didn’t need any lectures from me about commitment. He was highly offended I took commitment so seriously.

    • Well, my asshole told me that love meant to forgive mistakes. When he was in the other country where the whore lived, probably writing the email between her legs. Yeah, he expected me to accept whatever he did.

  • At one point I wrote him a letter apologizing for telling a few of my (our) very close friends about his affair with the howorker. I told him our marriage was only between him and me and that I was wrong to share what had happened with others. This was motivated by advice I got form a very expensive RIC program.
    You see the irony, right? Me prostrating myself with guilt over bringing other people into the business of our marriage, when he was the one fucking his howorker for 2 years (and others before)?
    At the advice of my very wonderful therapist, I composed the following letter. I have yet to send it, but I read it regularly to remind myself that I’m so much better off. And that howorker/wifey has won herself quite the prize.
    Dear asshole,
    Fuck you and your false words of love and commitment
    Fuck you for fucking 8 other women during the course of our marriage
    fuck you for putting my health at risk
    fuck you for for abandoning me in my time of need to go satisfy yourself with some strange
    fuck you for lying and lying an lying
    fuck you for taking advantage of me and my loyalty and trust
    fuck you for putting your sad insecurities onto me
    fuck you for questioning my loyalty and commitment
    fuck you for putting this all on me
    fuck you for making me question my worth
    fuck you for telling me it was my fault
    fuck you for not being there for me and expecting me to be there for you
    fuck you and your sad porn addiction
    fuck you for giving me false hope
    fuck you for presenting yourself as a knight in shining armor when you are really an asshole wrapped in tinfoil
    fuck you for hurting our children
    fuck you for deciding my emotional and physical health was acceptable collateral damage in your pursuit of your “needs”
    fuck you for being deceitful
    fuck you for making unilateral decisions about our relationship
    fuck you for deciding what truths I could and could not handle
    Fuck you for going out and fucking other women while I was pregnant and nursing our babies
    fuck you for the fallout our boys will suffer
    Fuck you for presenting this new relationship as something as something shiny and awesome to our children
    Fuck you for thinking you can build your happiness on other people’s misery
    fuck you for making me be the one to make sure our boys do not grow up to be selfish assholes who think they can fuck around on their girlfriends and wives and still be good people
    fuck you for being a giant fucking fraud
    fuck you for telling me I can’t reach out for support from people who actually love me and hold me in regard
    fuck you for not being able to deal with the consequences of your actions
    fuck you for complaining to me about people being mean to you because they know the truth of who you really are
    fuck you for trying to manipulate me via my maternal instincts
    fuck you for claiming you always put the kids first
    fuck you for being a father who cheats
    fuck you for treating the mother of your children so disrespectfully
    fuck you for treating me like I was an under-performing employee
    fuck you and your sense of entitlement
    fuck you for thinking we could ever be friends
    but thanks for being a sperm donor, and for bankrolling a life that will be much happier without your selfishness, bad breath, your snoring, and your exploding ass.

    • I’m new to this, I am going to use your list as inspiration for mine, thank you. I need to reminder daily as to why he sucks.

    • Hear Hear! It’s scary how many of the other posts on here could just as easily be mine.

      I especially like the one about reaching out for support from those who care. I shouldn’t feel guilty about that, even if some of them are his family members.

      • I know – that is one he continues to use to manipulate me. Not because he cares what they think of course, but because it could be bad for the boys if they witness their friends’ parents being “rude” to him. And, as father of the century, he ALWAYS puts our kids first.
        Whatever. While I don’t trash my ex or the howorker in front of them, I don’t think it’s a bad thing for them to learn that when you treat your partner like shit, other people will not look upon you favorably.

    • Gold star! I think you covered it all chumpintraing. I think you need to change your handle to expert chump!

    • SO MUCH HERE CIT — you struck nerves (and made my day) with the following:

      – fuck you for taking advantage of me and my loyalty and trust
      – fuck you for deciding my emotional and physical health was acceptable collateral damage in your pursuit of your “needs”
      – fuck you for deciding what truths I could and could not handle
      – fuck you for making me be the one to make sure our boys do not grow up to be selfish assholes who think they can fuck around on their girlfriends and wives and still be good people
      – fuck you for complaining to me about people being mean to you because they know the truth of who you really are

      And the “asshole wrapped in tin foil” was like having dessert before the main course.

      Outstanding. Thanks so much for this.

    • Chumpintraining,

      I’m putting your entire manifesto through google translate to tape to pile of crap cheater is coming by to collect tomorrow (will be on the street, in the mean time the dog is peeing on everything). I know CL will cringe at the centrality I will be giving him and it is a waste of paper and wisdom on a jackass, but this is too good to pass up.

      Cheater did not ask for a single picture of his kids, only for his (deadbeat) brother’s paintings and a statue that reminds one of his latest flatterfuck.

      • Yes. Perfect.
        My x who would fuck anything with a hole doesn’t curse–it’s too crass for his refined sensibilities.
        But I was touched by how spot on you are and how real and raw. I like the idea of doing an exercise like this with my own therapist.
        Everything you said — but especially the fuck yous about the impact to your kids.
        My x has never had a word of regret over destroying his children’s family.

    • “Fuck you for treating me like I was an under-performing employee”.

      So many great things on your list, but this really hit home as being at the crux of the Narc viewpoint. Chumps are useful to Narcs while they provide resource of time, effort, attention or material assets for a good cost, but once they start to have their own needs, or at least require some reciprocity (ask for a raise), they are treated exactly like an employee and it’s time to fire and rehire!

      Also, the ‘asshole in tinfoil’ is gold! Stay mighty! *And I love your therapist

      • When I was desperately pick me dancing, My ex, who was the founder and CEO of a company told told me, “In my experience, when an employee gets a couple bad reviews and knows they’re in danger of being fired, they do better for a little while but it really never lasts.”
        He literally compared his wife of 16 years and mother of his children to one of his employees. I should have run for the divorce lawyer then and there.

  • Why you are an irrational idiot:
    1. You bought 50 lbs of dried food that is still taking up space in the house years later in case the county goes to pot and we have food shortages
    2. You want to sensor what books the kids read (including Rick Riordan because he uses the word sucks)
    3. You hate Harry Potter because reading those stories to my kids took time away from my idolization of you
    4. You want to force middle son to do activities he hates which interfere with the activities he enjoys
    5. You stop going to baseball games when youngest son is in a batting slump
    6. You think our daughter’s severe depression and anxiety are caused by the books she reads and the TV shows she watches
    7. You criticize the women in your life for their bra choices (me and daughter)
    8. You list text typos as a reason for thinking poorly of me
    9. You resented me for making your lunches every day when you had a desk job because I was “mothering” you.
    10. You complained that you were stuck doing all of the laundry during your stint as stay at home Dad and after years of complaining that I didn’t do it right
    11. You wouldn’t kiss me goodbye when I was bundled up to go bike to work in subzero weather because I didn’t look sexy dressed that way
    12. You criticized my every move, made me feel less than and not sexy and then complained that I didn’t initiate sex often enough
    13. When someone tried to steal a bicycle off of our porch and was scared off by the dog, you thought it was necessary to sit by the door with a gun in your lap while waiting for the police to show up
    14. You inserted yourself into another couple’s disfunction and dragged your family into the cesspool
    15. You think you are still being a good Dad because you take the kids out to dinner a couple of times a week and show up at the very end of the baseball games
    16. You don’t get why I felt the need to tell some people about your affair(s)
    17. You thought it would be ok to buy flowers, dinner, and theater tickets for Schmoopie on our joint credit card paid out of our joint checking account
    18. You don’t get why I have raged at you a few times since DDay
    19. You don’t get why I am so down on Schmoopie
    20. You think daughter being down on Schmoppie is my fault
    21. You think your family should be ok with you discarding me after 25 years together and putting someone new in my place in your life and theirs
    22. You thought I didn’t love you
    23. You traded gold for sparkly shit
    24. You thought there should be no consequences for that

  • The Unletter I would do, that would Un those letters and every other thing I shouldn’t have done ….

    is summed up in one word: disrespect. Don’t tolerate disrespect, and you cannot be a chump.

  • My old letters with bullet points got ripped up and thrown away in the 7-11 parking lot garbage can while I bought the kids slurpees.
    My new letter would be much shorter.
    You smell, you are an enemy of fun, you suck in bed and you’re a terrible musician.
    Stop ruining perfectly good songs with ghastly cover versions performed on the internet.

    • Love how concise this letter is ! Narcs can’t focus too long on anything except themselves !

  • Wow. I sat down to tackle this assignment and realized that this is harder than I thought it would be. I have a serious mindfuck hangover. (see follow-up post from yesterday).

    Dear Porky Pig:

    1. After 16 years of being told that the world was a horrible place, that I could only trust you because everyone else was out F*#! me over, I have discovered that, in fact, there are wonderful people out there. Your world view is limiting and pitiful and actually, I have realized through CL, is just projection about who you really are.

    2. I am so grateful that I never have to sit in a car in traffic with you again (with the kids in the back seat) and watch you engage in road rage behavior that could injure or kill us. The next guy you flip off and motion to pull over and fight could have a gun. Please wait until I have your life insurance policy in place before that, okay?

    3. I will never have to grovel again if we argue. It was debilitating walking on eggshells and trying to smooth things over at the slightest provocation (like you had a hangnail and Go*dammit it was my fault).

    4. I never have to sit in a restaurant and watch you belittle and curse our waiter or waitress while other patrons look on in horror. I can now eat food without fearing that the staff has spit (or worse) in it. Same gratitude applies to never having to wait in line with you at the grocery store, having a sales clerk not pay attention to you… the list goes on ad infinitum.

    5. I hate the super creepy little baby voice you used when we were in bed together. I can’t even bring myself to go Freudian on that… (shudder).

    6. I never, ever again have to choke down a huge barbecued hunk of raw or overcooked meat and tell you how wonderful it is and what a great grillmaster you are. I hate red meat and I hate pork. I always have.

    7. Speaking of pork, Fuck You Porky Pig. Just Fuck You. You are a deeply insecure, controlling, rageaholic. You and your MOW high school crush deserve each other. Thank you, Yoga Whore, for taking him off my hands. Good luck with that.

    Before I close, let me mention something telling. On more than one occasion over the course of our marriage, and generally at work functions, your co-workers would say “You’re Porky Pig’s wife? You must be a saint…” I would always laugh as if they were making a joke. I now realize that they weren’t being funny.

    PS to CN: Sorry for all the F bombs. Seriously, I don’t cuss a lot in RL but it feels satisfying to do so here.

    • M or B, You never have to apologize for F bombs here! The more the merrier! 😀 Porky sounds like a real swine. Glad you’re free of that! Loved your letter.

    • I really don’t like swearing but sometimes it’s just the right word. If there was ever a time saying fuck was appropriate, it’s here.

    • Number 6 reminded me of the time OW and her hubby were at our house for a cookout. My ex had grilled our meat over a fire he built with CHEMICALLY TREATED LUMBER he’d torn up from our old deck. The meat was tough and tasted awful. I told him I was afraid to eat it because of the toxic chemicals on the lumber. OW looked at my ex with sympathy after I said that, then complimented his cooking. She then ate that horrible chemically charcoaled meat like it was delicious. To this day I wish she’d choked on it. LOL.

    • The road rage! I can so relate! Oh, how I hated driving with the ex and going out in public. I never knew when he would suddenly get the urge to get into a fight with someone because they “looked at him wrong’ or cut him off in traffic!

  • I was going to say so many things that others above said.

    And then I remembered that X is dead to me. And I do not contact the shape shifter. And I’m so busy building a new life that I can’t possibly waste my time writing letters to dead people.

    ??????

  • Dear Asshole:

    Remember you said how fantastic it would be to win the lottery? Well, you were right. It IS fantastic.

    Forever grateful,

    Your Ex

    • Oh, I just truly love this. So succinct. I am going to send this to Porky Pig as soon as he signs the separation agreement!

  • My letter would contain 2 letters….of the alphabet.

    F U

    Infact, the day of my move out, I wore a cute sweatshirt with those letters on it. Found it at the Good will. I wore a matching floral baseball hat. So darn cute!!! Under the sweatshirt I wore a neon T shirt that read….This shirt is brighter than your future.
    I wrote hash tags on the back.
    #firstwivesclub #whatsinyourwallet
    #goddontlikeugly

    The movers stopped me to read my shirt.

    My Ex husband girlfriend sent photos to me via our daughter. They were MY baby photos, my first drivers license and Bloody Birth Photos of our daughter. Rather odd collection. She’s like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs….she keeps collections of her victims.
    I have to tell myself….the Whore is the best revenge I could ever hope for.

      • Stubbs and Wootton (Madison Avenue boutique) sells handmade slippers for a pretty penny.

        My favorite pair has a screw on one shoe and the letter “u” on the other. For those days when one feels like telling the world (or just anyone looking carefully) “Screw you” !

    • I wore one that read, “Formerly Married, Currently Happy.” Totally pissed off my ex, Ron Burgundy.

  • Hey Assface, I know you don’t actually care about me or the baby we lost, and that shit is entirely on you. I take zero blame for your cheating, lying, or “relationship problems” (on my side, there were factually very few except yeah okay, I did put the sponge in the sink). I don’t believe you were molested as a kid, I think you pulled that out of your hat when I busted you because you wanted to have my sympathy. I think you straight up lied about that, and on behalf of people everywhere who were molested as kids and didn’t go on to hurt anyone, fuck you very much for trying to cloak yourself in victimhood. You were a blight on my life and the only good thing I can salvage from this is that you’ll never, ever get to have sex with me or have a minute of my caring concern again. There is something really wrong with you, a sinkhole where your heart should be. Better get that looked at. Sincerely, Your Chump No More

    • There are so many great letters here, but yours is definitely in the top 5. You had me at “yeah okay, I did put the sponge in the sink” because that’s exactly the level they have to sink to in order to find something to “excuse” their behavior. “I would never have cheated if you hadn’t left the sponge in the sink.” For real?? That’s all you’ve got?? And lying about being molested as a child? Karma is going to kick his ass for that one.

      • Thanks Beth 🙂 Don’t you wish we could even make this stuff up? He honestly complained more about that sponge than I did about his lying and cheating.

        • Minewould literally berate me for my occasional lapse of not filling the butter dish. if I didn’t fill the butter dish it meant I didn’t love him. While unbeknownst to me i’m getting this lecture after he’s just been out fucking strippers and prostitutes.

  • After DD I offered him a guilt-free complaint-free option to have us both, me and the OW, if he needed time to decide. I was not into sharing but I was not able to detach from one minute to the next. I’m not a psychopath.
    It was clear that in his mind she was his “soulmate” and a vision of female perfection. He seemed to love her a lot … and not love me at all. While in my mind still we were a romantic couple, workmates and housemates too, and it was too much of a shock to let all of that go in sn instant.
    He liked that idea of having us both. A lot. He said fine. Then he returned and told me the OW said she had to have him all to herself. Made me realize how she had him in a leash by that point. I hadn’t yet realized.
    And what irony…..she insisted on MONOGAMY. She got it. I was out.

    So what do I have now?

    * No interest in sex or romance. No trust or interest in men’s promises and/or interest. Small loss.
    *No mindfucks
    *No blame or guilt
    *No know- it-all BS crap to wade through
    * No whining

    I can live where I want, as I want, in a stable way

    I have my art and things are going well there.

    Snd if I ever go meet a super great guy I know I’ll thaw out.

    He lost schmoopie as soon as she was done getting free professional services from him. Schmuck deserved it.

    • T2C, my X would have me believe that I was *always* that way. Yeah, I have no interest…why might you think that is, hmmm…? Looking forward to thawing out, but not making it priority one.

  • Dear Dick Face,
    Thanks for ruining my life, or so you thought you did. Since you’ve been gone:
    1- I’ve lost 35 lbs and looking the best I ever did while with you.
    2- I dropped your sorry ass off my incurance and got back $300 a month, so I’m no longer supporting your diabetic ass.
    3- You taught me how to see, hear and respond to RED flags. (Should of done that with you- but I win, I got the daughter)
    4- I will never become involved with a man with an impotent problem due to his excessive porn addiction.
    5- I’m sorry the Karma bus keeps running you down , but . . Well you know the old saying, ‘Karmas a bitch’ and she’s proving her point.
    6- and, lastly why yes your daughter will be changing her last name to mine when she turns 18 yrs old because she can’t stand you.

  • Things I enjoy now that I’m free:

    1. I can take care of myself by living where I need to in order to be healthy.
    2. I am around people who actually talk to me and look at me when I speak
    3. I can take vacations to places I want to go
    4. I don’t have to rush off when visiting friends or family because you’re ready to leave
    5. I know how much money is in the bank because no one “forgets” to tell me what they spent
    6. I have an emergency savings account
    7. I live within my means
    8. I can speak without being made to feel I said something stupid
    9. I like myself again
    10. Now I know I’m a survivor. I’m resilient.

  • Dear Cheater,

    1. Thank you for pulling the bandage off quickly and running out the door to your whore’s waiting arms. I’m glad you to had each other while I was grieving the sudden loss of my mom. You must have been so bereft that you took up with the office scooter (You know, everyone wants a ride, but no one wants to be seen riding it…except you. BTW, your co-workers all laugh at you for choosing that one. Seems it wasn’t her first time to the cheater rodeo).

    2. I’m glad that in your abandonment, I am left free of your emotionally enmeshing/emotionally incestuous mother. Who knew that *I* was the Other Woman in your sick relationship with that balding-tuopee wearing, toothless, pock-faced bitch? My first pick me dance was with HER! I lost that one too.

    3. I’m grateful that I now see my role in the above circus and why I thought I deserved everything that came with it. The years with my therapist are paying off. I will never allow myself to suffer the disrespect that I endured in our marriage. If a man loves you, he will respect you and protect you. You did neither. At age 47, I am looking forward to experiencing what it is to be loved and instead of what it is to be useful.

    4. I am thrilled that I no longer have to parent you. Remember the time when I asked you how much we owed on our credit cards? Your answer was $23k. I “yelled” at you because we had more than enough to pay the cards off in the bank. You enjoyed carrying the horrendous interest monthly so that we would have a “nest egg”. I believed you called me “controlling” in regards to this incident when you were skipping out the door to your whore with that fucking bizarre smirk on your oily face.

    5. Finally, I am happy to no longer be your mirror. You copied everything about me, especially those things that made you attractive to the whore (emotions and style). I enjoy seeing you try to replicate our life with her, especially the travel. I am in the travel biz and there is no way in hell you could do it as cheaply as I did. I hope your credit cards are again $23k. I’m sure they are as I hear the whore no longer wants to fly economy.

    To the whore:

    Dear Broken, Amoral, Strange:

    1. Part of me sympathizes with your loser lot in life. How difficult it must be to have had a very successful grandfather and a very famous author/playright/movie script-writer aunt and yet, the money hasn’t trickled down to your needy, grubby, little hands. No dad in your story, so maybe that’s where the daddy issues came from with my 9 year older, bald, middle-aged XH. Pity that your marriage with your first (?) married man was unsuccessful. I’m sure you’ll get better as your go along. I’m glad you have chosen my marriage to break up and spared the other co-worker’s family (you know, the guy with the two kids you were hitting on) the brand of destruction you love to level.

    2. Thank you for being cruel. The Injuction Against Harassment you filed and the Protective Order that you encouraged my conflict-avoidant XH to file against me has helped me more than you can imagine. My friends and I roared with laughter while reading the lies you and he had written. This has only helped with NC while showing me exactly what my XH has to look forward to when your marriage to him goes South.

    • NoKibble4U, I can totally relate to your first #2 about the sick mother and son relationship and with XMIL being the first OW in the marriage- so glad to be rid of those two freaks!!!

  • I never had the chance to write a letter in order to un-write it, but the letters I am reading today are so empowering. Bravo and brava, chumps!

  • Dear Cheater:

    You made a choice that effected my life, your children’s lives and so many others close to us. This choice is non refundable. You will not come home to your family ever again. You traded us in for a cheaper model and, considering your 16 year investment in us, I assume you thought long and hard before doing so.
    You aren’t capable of understanding the suffering you’ve caused because you aren’t capable of feelings.
    You have to live with yourself for the rest of your life, but I don’t, and I won’t.
    Thanks for showing me who you really are. I’m sure it’s a relief for us both that you no longer have to put up an exhausting front.
    Good luck on your next “project”, maybe she’ll more easily conform to your impossible expectations. As for me; I’m finally free. Free from your abuse, free from worry in regards to raising our children in a toxic environment. Free to live my life on my terms.
    Good bye, good luck and feel free to respond to my attorney if you have any questions.
    Life (with you) gave me lemons and now I’m making lemoncello martinis.
    Cheers!

  • This year I paid off my mortgage and got serious about writing fiction, something I’ve wanted to do all my life. I’m no longer dabbling ineffectually but seem to be getting somewhere. And I’m making friends who also care about it. Next month, my sister and I are off to a cruise in Europe. I’ve engaged meaningfully in other activities that are important to me. It feels so good to make progress in important areas, like creativity, financial security, an authentic social circle and emotional/physical/mental health.

    I had to do a lot of intense work to get to this point. I’m proud of myself . Not only am I reaping the benefits myself, I’m a better friend, family member and worker. Oh, that reminds me, work is going well, too. There are challenges but I’m doing well at meeting them. I’ve even learned to pause more and enjoy small moments of beauty in each day. I lost my wonderful, irreplaceable treasure of a dog but I’ve never grieved in such a healthy way. I’ve grown so much. Things are far from perfect, but I see how far I’ve come. I’ve learned how to choose to be happy. I listen to my intuition and I invite only healthy people into my life.

    Ohana

    PS-x, if you thought you had any place in my life, thoughts or heart, think again.

  • To X:

    I previously wrote several confused and sappy letters to you in the months following our wedding and the admission of your betrayal. I’ve been given an assignment to flip the script. But I’m not going to, because I don’t really care. The end.

    No longer yours truly,
    FV

  • Dear Ex:
    Thank you for giving me the gift of cheating on me – because now I am FREE FROM YOU. I’ve already lost 17 pounds and will lose more! My life is PEACEFUL. I don’t have to hear you cussing up a storm because you stubbed your toe because you didn’t ask the coffee table to be in that spot! (True story).

    I am free from living in emotional instability, free from dealing with your financial irresponsibility, free from your selfishness (even though it still hurts our daughter and I *loathe* you for hurting her), free from you groping me in public and when I tell you to stop, you get upset and say, “Oh, you’re too sensitive” or “oh, I’m just kidding around”, free from your road rage and from you making outlandish remarks in public, free from you making every single family function uncomfortable, free from you pouting at having to go to family functions, like my brother’s wedding!, and making me cry right before the ceremony.

    Oh, and remember at my grandfather’s funeral when you wanted to hurry home and thus, I couldn’t spend time with my family after the funeral? FU for taking that away from me, the time to grieve and to process and to see cousins I haven’t seen in years.

    And FU for trying to have sex with me six weeks after my hysterectomy before my doctor cleared me, and trying to tell me, oh, the stitches are healed, you’ll be fine.

    Remember how I became a stepmom to your two boys when they were 4 and 5, and raised them? And how you abused them? And I took them to therapy and tried to get them straightened out and you continued to belittle them? And how you wonder why you don’t have a good relationship with them now? They still call me Mom.

    And oh, I am free from your drinking! I am free from having to wonder if you’re coming home at night, free from dealing with you going to jail for terroristic threats and more DUIs, free from wondering if you’re drunk and how much drinking you’re doing in your garage, free from you trying to pick a fight from me and then passing out.

    I’m free from your refusal to spend time with me, of thinking your friends and your ‘garage time’ are more important than me and your family.

    Oh, and remember that time your garage door was locked and I asked you what you were doing and I had a suspicion you were cheating on me? I asked you point blank if you were cheating and you said, ‘NO. If I were cheating on you, I’d have the balls to tell you.” Well…GUESS WHO DIDN’T HAVE THE BALLS TO TELL ME? Your 13-years-younger whore and her three kids (all under the age of 10!) are going to have SO MUCH FUN living with you and dealing with your lies and deception and abuse.

    But me? Guess what I get to do? I get to manage my own money, not feel guilty for being sick (and thanks, asshole, for leaving me knowing that my rheumatoid arthritis was getting worse – but it was probably getting worse because I was LIVING WITH YOU). I get to live with our beautiful, intelligent daughter and laugh with her and enjoy our relationship which has gotten SO MUCH STRONGER since this all happened. I hate that she had to find out about your affair (because naked pictures of your whore
    turned up on her iPad because your iPhone was still synced to it!) but she knows who you are now, and now knows what to look for in a future boyfriend – and hint, it’s someone who is THE OPPOSITE OF HER FATHER.

    I get to go out with friends, date, travel, have a life while YOU get to stay with your whore and take care of three little kids! Remember how you said you never wanted to babysit future grandkids because you “can’t stand kids”? Well, lucky you! You get to take care of THREE of them that are not yours, and deal with their fathers! (yes, there is more than one! Lucky you!). Oh, and since you still don’t have a job after getting fired a month ago, you get to leech off of her! Good luck with that!

    I would have stayed forever, bound and determined to make this work, losing who I was, getting sicker, if you hadn’t cheated on me. So while I hate what you’ve done, I will forgive you in time – not for you, but for ME. Unlike you, I don’t need to be in a relationship (she’s your new supply!) and I am JUST FINE on my own. I will find a man who loves me as I deserve to be loved. You? You’ll always be a pathetic narcissist who has wreaked havoc and will continue to wreak havoc wherever he goes. I’m well rid of you.

    I will thrive without you. I already am.

    • “And FU for trying to have sex with me six weeks after my hysterectomy before my doctor cleared me, and trying to tell me, oh, the stitches are healed, you’ll be fine”.

      There are no words. I am so sorry.

      • Oh yes nkfy! Mine was only the day before but still I just thought that is a long time for a man to go even though there was oral. Now I know he was fucking schmoopie too. It was all about power and control. I ended up with a yeast infection (coincidence?). I am just lucky it was nothing worse. When I confronted him about putting me at risk for an std, he said “I just thought it was nothing soap and water couldn’t wash off”. Fucking loser!

    • I still am amazed when I see my story in other peoples’ stories. These are things I could never, would never talk about to anyone! Yeah Porky Pig was unable to wait the requisite 6 weeks after my c-section (10lb baby). I think he waited 2 weeks. I was terrified of infection or breaking the stitches and btw struggling with just being a first time mom at age 42. But his needs were more important, as always. I am having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I accepted his treatment of me and hid it from others.

      • I had that after my myomectomy. Traitor couldn’t wait more that 3 weeks. And before that he was demanding blow jobs when I was struggling to sit up and walk around. They really are all the same.

          • The thing is, I had completely forgotten about him doing this to me until I went back and looked at my journals. I think I blocked a lot out of my memory. Re-reading my journals was eye-opening because I remembered SO much and realized I’d been living in a cycle of abuse for YEARS.

      • One of the greatest things about CN is having a safe place to come and see that you are not the only one who experienced the despicable behaviors found in the cheater’s handbook. Being married to a narcopath cheater is a desolate, lonely existence. Here, you realize that others understand. And understand without judgment.

        • Yes, I am here this morning after mediation yesterday and nightmares last night. The mediator was actually pretty understanding. When I asked separate rooms, he asked if there was abuse. I told him no, he bullies and intimidated and he said that’s abuse.
          The problem came when the only thing cheater asked for at this custody and visitation mediation was counseling for the children because he has no relationship with them. Mediator said his words show he wants a relation ship with the children and we can’t talk about visitation unless he has a relationship. I said I am fine with them going to counseling but that fucktard’s behavior does not match his words. He said maybe but you can try. Mediator was acting so excited like he just solved the whole problem and I am sitting there thinking really, what kind of idiot do you think I am that I wouldn’t have considered counseling? Cheater wouldn’t go in the past because it wasn’t his idea and now he is pushing it to manipulate the children to his way of thinking.

          They don’t get the mindfuck!

      • Yes, same. 2 c-sections, would not wait either time. A 6 week wait was like 6 months to him. Asshole.

        • What is WRONG with these men? Sociopaths! I’m so sorry you had to deal with that, too. We are MUCH better off.

  • X you suck.
    You betrayed decades of loyalty, effort and kindness with disrespect lies and cheating
    You lost my goodwill, affection and care.
    No we cannot be friends.
    My friends are honest, kind people.

  • Fortunately, of all the jaw-droppingly stupid things I did, I never wrote a letter like this to PreyingMantis. That’s because I never confronted PreyingMantis with my knowledge of the cheating. So PreyingMantis never knew that *I* knew. I was able to deduce most of the cheating by the changes in behavioral patterns, especially the ILYBINILWY speech. (Isn’t it hilarious how they don’t deviate from this social design pattern?) So when I cut off funding, PreyingMantis departed in fairly short order thereafter.

    Working backwards… X#2 didn’t get any cringeworthy letters because I played, rather stupidly, what I like to call The Waiting Game. Knowing what I know now that was the dumbest thing I could ever have done. I’m committing it to electrons here for the good of any that may come after and read it. I knew X#2 was cheating, and I wanted the marriage to be over, but I also wanted X#2 to be the one to walk so that I would lose as few assets as possible. And in order to do that, X#2 needed to have a new host animal – one that eventually turned out to be much younger and quite gullible. Once that new host animal was located and groomed, X#2 didn’t waste any time moving in with her and getting things under control. So I was able to slide out quite easily. This was the cheapest of my divorces in some ways, but the most expensive in others. It took quite a toll on my health, which is why I am making sure to document it here. Maybe this way someone else will decide to take a different route.

    I did the stupid cringe-worthy “Oh I’ll Change If Only You’ll Come Back” pick-me dance with X#1. And X#1 quite enjoyed the power over me. The way I grovelled. The begging, the pleading, the desperate entreaties to not rip our little family apart. To consider the good of the children. Oh, how X#1 GOT OFF on my misery… fear… spinelessness. This, after X#1 had kidnapped my oldest daughter, and I’d had to get a court order to get her back. I can’t believe I used to be that person. Thank goodness I’m not that person anymore.

  • Before D day, ex and I took the dog for a walk, I fell and he didn’t even help me up, even though I sprained my ankle and wrist. I hobbled back to the house and he got on the computer and sent out a group email to our neighbors giving them a blow by blow of how I fell. He thought it was absolutely hysterical. Jackass. I ended up driving myself to the ER for my injuries.

    Went to two haunted houses with him and refused to go to anymore because of the way he acted. It was creepy. We took his mentally challenged adult daughter with us. He would hang back behind us with a creepy smile on his face as she hung onto me in terror and I had to drag her through the haunted house. I weighed 135 pounds and she was well over 200 pounds. It was horrible. He enjoyed it. I was furious the first time this happened and told him and he did it the next year and I refused to go to any other haunted houses with him after that.

    Psycho!

  • Dear Misogynist Narc:

    Let this letter serve as my resignation from your harem. Actually, I’m kind of sorry about it, because I was looking forward to the day when your “lady” friend finds out you were still talking to me. She’d freak even worse than that day a few years back when you told her you were reconciling with me. OMG, I heard about that … well, the whole world heard about that!!!

    Note: A retirement-age woman who runs away in tears, flailing her arms, sobbing uncontrollably that her boyfriend is thinking about going back to his wife, is perhaps not something that bodes well for your future. Like, if you thought I was a control freak … Good luck with that!

      • Traditionally, when she’s so ugly she needs a bag for her head, and you need one for yours in case her bag breaks.

        Of course, it only applies to APs, not us!!!

        • True story. The PI I hired was tracking Porky Pig, but thought he was tailing APs mother. When he realized that, no, this is, in fact, the AP, he texted me, “This is not what I expected.”! Bwahahahah?…

          • Oh my fucking word Champ; a double bag, haha. For all the insecurities I had believing I lacked something I was stunned when I finally met his dream girl.

            As my therapist said he couldn’t get intelligence, looks or someone with money having lived a double life for the entirety of our marriage.

            And Meh, when I first met her I thought she was the other woman’s mother. While she’s only three years younger than me she looks 10 years older and had on a wool coat matted with dog hairs. She was the fucking ugliest woman I’ve ever seen and she sounded like she smoked two packs of cigarettes a day with frizzed out hair.

            My lawyer was the one who told me she had an extensive record for assaulting her previous boyfriend and an elderly man when she broke into his home. Add to that DWIs and felony drug charges, suspended license is and a son she made move out of her home to let the limited live with her. There is no doubt in my mind they trade down to their level.

            Recently this may they were evicted from her apartment and had to move. In December he talked her into getting therapy which is a sign that all is not well with his borderline partner. I’m laughing as i write this because he so stuck with it. I’m sure the credit card debt is growing as he has to now go out and charge a washer, dryer, and all the items he left behind when he shacked up with a loser. Truthfully, I hope he stays with her for a long long time.

            At some point you realize that you didn’t lose anything. Gaining a life is so much better.

            • Doingme, “at some point you realize you didn’t lose anything.” Ain’t that the truth! I am ashamed that I was fighting FOR having dysfunction in my life! Who does that????

          • HAHAHA! Oh, that is CLASSIC.

            I had a friend look up the OW on FB and she said, “He’s dating a TRUCK STOP WAITRESS?” That’s what she looks like. As well as the poster child for STDs.

  • Dear Ex,

    Though I never would have believed this 7 years ago, your affair was truly the best thing that ever happened to me. I stayed for 3 years post dday and though that invokes some cringe worthy memories, it was a learning experience and an invaluable one at that.

    These days I spend quality time with my family. I am ashamed of how I let them slip out of my life to placate you and your never ending array of needs. I feel most proud when I announced after dday but before we divorced that I would spending Mother’s Day with MY mother and you could do whatever you wanted. Every day with my parents and sister is a gift that I will always cherish.

    I also see my friends whenever I want without worrying about what passive/aggressive behaviors I will be subjected to upon my return. I’ve made new friends too that I hope will be life long. I get to pick and choose who I will spend time with and not worry about you dictating what we will do and who we will do it with.

    I no longer fear having to travel anywhere in a car with you and I literally say a prayer of thanks each night that I never will again. Long gone are the days that I’d watch you ride on the bumper of the car in front of us, rage at the slow drivers, weave in and out of traffic that wasn’t moving fast enough for you and having to take dramamine-not for motion sickness but to numb me to your crazy behavior and enable me to stare at my phone and block out what you were doing-all while praying that I’d reach my destination alive.

    Though I work in the same place, I switched sides of the business which allows me to travel. Something I could never have done when I was living with you since you would project all your bad behavior on me. And though you were happy to take whatever money I was making and spend it on whatever, I always had to endure your rants whenever my job would inconvenience your life in any way. I can’t even imagine telling you that I couldn’t take a vacation whenever you wanted to go because of gulp….work. Thank heavens I don’t have to anymore!!

    I don’t have to endure you buying a brand new car every two years, ensuring that we’d never be out of debt. I am such a better money manager than I ever thought I could be. I paid off my car 1.5 years early; the debt I took from our divorce 8.5 years early and my student loan 10 years early. (It will be paid next month)

    And oh yeah, I got a Master’s Degree…in a year and a Six Sigma Black Belt; a promotion, an awesome raise and a next week- a new office with a window and everything. I travel ( 5 times this year) and I’m continuing to grow and learn in my new role. I love it!!

    I don’t pick me dance. I spend time on me; with my family and friends, on my career, at the gym. The pick me dance is so much less aerobic than it sounds and it’s focused on such a little person who doesn’t deserve that focus.

    The ways my life has gotten better are enumerable. I never would have left if you weren’t such a coward and decided to make unilateral decisions about my health and the life of our children and my own. Even though your actions checked off pretty much every box of an abuser (emotional and towards the end when you exposed me to STDs-physical), I would have stayed because I thought marriage meant forever. You gave me the quintessential Get out of Jail Free Card. And since I stayed and saw your character through a set of eyes that no longer added that rose colored hue; I have no doubts that my decision to ask you for a divorce was the best decision I’ve ever made in my adult life! (Thank you OWife for that memorable phrase.)

    So thank you and I really mean that!

  • Why I Can Live Without Him

    1. The trust I had in him was shattered on D-Day and has not been restored.

    2. He was not honest with me about his affair when caught; he gaslighted.

    3. He expected me to support him financially.

    4. He was abusive, including constant criticism, ordering me around and physical threats.

    5. He is selfish and unconcerned with the needs of anyone else.

    6. The realization that he is a somatic narcissist is repulsive, horrific and beyond my worst nightmare. Someone who is addicted to “narcissistic supply” and is compelled to continually seek validation of their false self in the form of serial sexual conquests also known as extramarital affairs is nothing short of completely disgusting. I was intentionally deceived, serving as part of the facade of normality, while he lead a double life of depravity. To come to the conclusion we viewed sex so differently – the one thing that I thought was special and between just the two of us – to acknowledge he experienced that with OW and others before her makes me realize that I was the victim of a con man in a sham marriage. I still remember being told at the D-Day confrontation, amidst the denials, “You are making a big thing out of nothing.” Yes, the shattering of my world for him was business as usual, just par for the course, what can be expected all in a day’s work of getting “narcissistic supply.”

  • 1- I will never put up with a man who digs out his earwax at the dinner table with his fork handle while lecturing his son about table manners.
    2- I will never silence my intuition, my gut feeling, again.
    3- I will not let myself be cowed again. If I fear someone I will get them away from me, or leave. I will never give in to fear again.
    4- No one has the right to order me around like a dog.
    5- I will return to my debt free status in about 10 years, I will pay all my bills on time, I won’t have to juggle creditors, because he is gone.
    6- I will never be his whore’s free nanny and governess again, never be her taxi driver, never be her lender again.
    7- I will never have to hide anyone’s Christmas presents and chocolates because if he finds them, he’ll steal them.
    8- I will never pick up his dirty undies off the laundry floor like I did every night.
    9- NO, I am not asexual, I was never asexual. My previous ex told me when he left me that what had always worked best between us was the sex. I should have told him that in MC, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Wanker.
    10- What has she got that I ain’t got? She’s got 2….

    • You had grounds to leave at the ear wax.

      The common theme…all critters.

      The Putrid used to pass gas, disgusting loud and without shame. I would say, Were you raised in a barn?
      Please stop! As I ran away gagging.

      And he would look at me like was insane and say, It is a natural thing. You need to get out more!

      Really? I need to go and hang around people who burp and pass gas like varmints?

      I’ll pass, you filthy sociopath.

      And this was by far the least of his sins.

  • Thank God for Chump lady. Seriously….Standing Round of applause?

    In trying to fulfill my task at hand “the Un-letter”…..and then making the mistake of reading others before I posted…..lol

    I realized this…Every single item on everyones list boils down to a persons
    character and respect.

    My “unletter issues” to Horny Goat…
    1 The complete lack of respect in the way you ended our marriage.
    2. The character assassination to our family and friends
    3. Forget about blindsiding your wife…..but you abandon, ignore and Forget about the child that loved you for 9 years! Since he was 4? A child that does not remember their life without you?

    And then you feel like a good person because you volunteer for a place whose children Have LOST THEIR PARENT!

    Horny Goats Literal Letter that (I shamefully demanded) about my faults:

    I am a selfish person because I made him and ‘my family” hang 2 ceiling fans on Thanksgiving

    I was appropriating marital funds, when I opened a separate checking account (for two Hundred Dollars!) So I could keep my work (expense reports) and our ‘Household Expenses” separate and accountable

    The prime example of “not feeling respected” in the relationship was the time when
    ‘my’ son lied about how his bed frame broke… to protect his friend.

    I love this task Thanks CL for allowing ourselves to discern our faults vs. theirs.

  • Jackass, I wrote to you about why your story about your affair made no sense. I wanted you to know that I know. That’s one thing I would never unwrite. I know what you did and what you are.

    For years I thought you were not just smart but highly intelligent. But now I see…
    1. That you can’t hold down a job for more than a couple of years because no one is the boss of you.
    2. That every single thing in my house that you told me needed to be torn down or remodeled at great expense is just fine. So clearly you aren’t the great expert in electrical, plumbing, structural engineering, etc. that you think you are.
    3. I mow the grass better than you would.
    4. There’s a whole list of great new things in my life that you will never know about.
    5. Your first XW got married this year. I’m so very happy that you didn’t spoil her whole life and that she found someone great to love.
    6. I’m having the porch repainted and new screens put up. I still have deer and turkeys and rabbits and woodpeckers and hummingbirds–and lots of friends to sit with out there, enjoying the beauty of it all.
    7. Glad to see your new GF is a downgrade. Does she know you are a liar and a cheater?
    8. Still haven’t managed to graduate from college, eh?
    9. Or start up that business I gave you money for?
    10. It used to be that I would walk through my lovely home and think how lucky I am that you never lived here. Now I don’t think of you at all, except to do homework assignments like this one. And I finally figured out why you refused to me with me to explain what you did and why. You’re utterly hollow, without empathy or true human feeling. Even the death of your father was just an occasion to show off.

  • To my emotionally abusive, chronically unfaithful, forever stunted in the maturity department ex —

    You tried to break me.

    You didn’t succeed.

    I hope your affair-turned-please-take-us-seriously relationship lasts because I think you two need to contain all your narcisscistic, thoughtless tendancies in one place, lest you hurt more people.

    Everyone of importance in my life is glad you are gone.

    I’m in love again. But he actually loves me back in the true sense, and I can feel it in every touch — I am quite sure he is the first person I’ve made love with, not just to. So in that sense he is truly the one who has my virginity. Not you.

    Don’t call. If I beat cancer and depression without you around, I literally need you for nothing.

    Much meh,
    Your former victim.

    • “Don’t call. If I beat cancer and depression without you around, I literally need you for nothing.”

      Yes. This is it. This is exactly it.

    • Yeah decaf, wonderful.
      CL can you run a topic on peeps who went on to find someone awesome to share their new life with? Pwease?

      • I get what you are saying – it could give people hope that there is a better partner out there.

        BUT: This can turn ‘gain a life’ into ‘gain a partner’, and can buy into the whole narrative that life on your own is not complete.

        And it was this unhelpful thinking that got so many of us into bad relationships, ‘settling’, and staying with cheaters out of fear of singleness in the first place.

        I love the Mighty threads instead! Doesn’t matter if you have a partner or not.

  • I started to write a letter once not long after DDay, but deleted it and instead made my divorce demands…

    Two years later, I’m thriving and surviving, and meanwhile ex#2/The Evil One is of in Neverland with 10+-years younger OWife/Mrs. Dumb-Ass raising her two kids from her first marriage in which she was even more mercilessly chumps than I was, who are younger than our DD and have her recently diagnosed with early onset dementia granny living with them.
    Everyone’s lists are awesome and surmise my thoughts, feelings, experiences succinctly.

    Thank you, Chump Lady for this exercise, and you all mighty Chump Nation for reminding me yet again how MEH-Life beats my old life with TEO any day.

  • I remember the day, pre-education by CN, I was wallowing in self pity at work about why I had been chumped. A very young intern, a guy, said to me (when he overheard me say I’d been dumped) …he said “make a list of all the reasons why it is a good thing you are rid of him”.

    Apparently this was the advice he had from his mother about how to survive teenage heartbreak. Of course, I was 50 or so at the time, and laughed it off… But I went home that night and did as he suggested. The veil of anger, sorrow, grief just lifted in a eureka moment. I suddenly saw clearly that there was an upside to it all. No matter how surprising or unexpected…I had gained some things by losing the cheater.

    Sometimes the most simple advice is the best. I do the “list” thing whenever an issue bothers me now.

    • Marci, I did this, and it was SO HELPFUL. I tend to be overly optimistic, and can’t hold a grudge for my life. So I’d start missing the cheater narc ….. Making and reading that list was so very useful. But I can’t post iy, because by the time I got tired of adding stuff, I think there were over 170 items in my list of reasons why it was good to be rid of him.

      Never a good sign ….

  • 1. I will not miss your lying.

    2. I will not miss your complete lack of empathy.

    3. I will not miss your inability to apologize for anything.

    4. I will not miss your making me walk behind you. You would never wait for me.

    5. I will not miss fixing you dinner and then waiting FOREVER for you to come home. Only to find you were with schmoopie.

    6. I will not miss your lying

    7. I will not miss you destroying two families and messing up my kids for a blow job.

    8. I will not miss your hairy ears and hairy nose that I trimmed.

    9. I will not miss you and schmoopie trying to make me crazy by planting her blond hairs in our bed.

    10. I won’t miss your rages and blameshifting.

  • Dear Faux-Mormon Fuckboy,

    Here are some awesome things that have happened since I ditched your cheating ass:

    – I finished my master’s degree
    – I started and then finished an HR certificate at community college
    – I got promoted at work
    – I was selected to attend an all-expenses-paid theology seminar in southern California
    – I’ve submitted a scholarly article for publication
    – I was published in The Hill
    – I got a boyfriend who has a real income, shares my faith, supports my life dreams, and treats me well

    Isn’t it weird how life got awesome just as soon as I showed you the door? Any theories on why that is?

    Anyhow, I would appreciate it if your married-and-still-living-with-her-husband (ex-) “girlfriend” didn’t contact me on Facebook anymore.

    Bored Now,
    – Me

    • Glad you are happier without the faux-Mormon guy. Trying to lose one of those myself and it’s good to know their is hope for a better life after this nightmare is over.

  • I never wrote him a letter to stay, but I’m going to write this letter why I’m glad he’s gone.

    Dear Asshole™,

    Let’s clear somethings up about your reasons why we split and all the shit your flying monkeys are spreading around.

    No we did not have sex for years. That is true. However, I never denied you sex. You could not get it up and wouldn’t even discuss it. Now that I know the whole story, I’m guessing it all started around the time your massage parlor/trolling for internet sex addiction started.

    Yes it was a parent/child relationship. Not because of me. Because of YOU. Did you tell them how I begged you to stop talking baby talk to me during foreplay or how I begged you to start taking responsibility as a partner for our home and life. Funny how you wouldn’t accept that we had fallen into that relationship when I said to you time and time again “I don’t want a dependent; I want a partner. Please try to understand” and you argued that wasn’t true. BUT now you accept it when you can twist it and make me look bad.

    You can lie all you want to your family and friends that you weren’t fucking that whore until after we were separated. Just like you said the same thing about the end of your first marriage. Hooker please, where there’s smoke there’s fire. Good people. Smart people aren’t dumb and will see through it and you’ll be stuck with the rejects.

    I was a shitty wife. You were a shitty husband. Who started it? I don’t know. What I do know is that I didn’t cheat. I begged you to see what our problems were, I wanted things to get better. You took all of that twisted it into I was trying to control you and cheated. So yeah there are two sides to every story and in both you are a piece of shit cheater and I should have left your sorry ass years ago.

    I was moving on and your flying monkey dragged me back a bit. But only for a moment. I’ll keep moving on to a better life, with better people, and you can keep wallowing in your own bullshit with your whore and your flying monkeys.

    Peace out.

    • “I was a shitty wife. You were a shitty husband. Who started it? I don’t know. What I do know is that I didn’t cheat. I begged you to see what our problems were, I wanted things to get better. You took all of that twisted it into I was trying to control you and cheated. So yeah there are two sides to every story and in both you are a piece of shit cheater and I should have left your sorry ass years ago.”

      So true- I wouldn’t go so far as to say I was a shitty wife and I am sure you weren’t either but this comment is what it boils to- there is no responsibility taken by the cheater and negotiation can’t happen. I wish more people could get that!

      • I was a shitty wife or shitty person in general a lot of the time. I was miserable and angry for too long. I didn’t like that person. I’m sure his side is he tried to make me happy and I could never be satisfied. My side is that he really didn’t try to make me happy and, in fact, manipulated and gaslighted me into the person I was with him.

        But none of it excuses lies and cheating. SO both sides will always end with him being a liar and cheated.

  • Dear ExWife,
    Thanks for leaving me to be with that jerk who makes more money than me.
    Sincerely,
    Igot SelfRespect

  • Dear STBX,

    I’m busy gaining a life, step out of the way…

    S.

    Thank you CN for validating what I knew deep down for so long…I was not the dysfunctional one in my marriage.

  • I will never have to deal at your snaggle toothed, nit wit mother again! I will never have to deal with her cheap passive aggressive pot shots either! Hooray for me! I win!

  • Dear Hubby,

    Well, I don’t know what the hell happened on the cruise but you were a tad harsh, don’t you think? You’re not feeling s connection between us and feel the need to blame me and tell me that it is OUR problem and we need to work on it. Hmm. It sounds like YOU are not feeling a connection and think that I am the problem. Note, once again, that I did not see a problem coming. At all. Meaning that this is your problem, not mine. If there is something I do, specifically, that you want me to change, please be specific and specifically tell me why it is a problem for you. No vagarities. Like you wish I would fold your socks once over before I pull back the elastic to keep them together because they stay together better and don’t get lost. Telling me I’m too critical, judgmental, lazy, etc. really tell me nothing. Critical of whom? The stranger I saw on the ship yesterday and mentioned to you that her tattoos on her creplike skin made her look older than I thought she was? Why do you care so much that I don’t share her appreciation for her tattoos? She’s a stranger. Lazy? You mean that you come home and the house is not cleaned but I’ve worked all day, juggled 3 children and their childcare, and have a healthy meal on the table? Define lazy. Nowadays you can call me lazy because I don’t give a damn what you think but back then? Really?

    New information just arrived. You have been emotionally too close to a woman at work but maintain that the issues WE were having began before her. And it wasn’t her and you say it’s over. We try counseling and the therapist keeps circling back to issues YOU have with your mother Interesting. Frustrating to me but, in retrospect, BINGO.

    It’s much later and I realize you have downplayed the woman from work. You lied to me for years and kept her to give you kibbles while I danced. It was a big deal. You loved her. She loved you. It was shallow love but you held on and on until it died a natural death. You have wasted 25 years of my life and cost me my mental health. I know we’re all about taking personal responsibility but you played me but good. Also, please note that you did not take personal responsibility for your affair. Ever. Blame, blame, blame. And you want me to forgive you and move on. Well, I have. I forgive you. I forgive you because I understand forgiveness much better now. It doesn’t mean forget. It doesn’t mean trust. It doesn’t mean dance so you’ll love me. It doesn’t mean lettting you walk all over me. It means letting go of all the anger and spite I’ve held for myself. It means letting the past be there. It means making choices that protect me and my children. It means knowing that, for all the good you do, you are still a selfish man who is sorry he had to suffer consequences.

    I don’t believe for a moment you are sorry for what you did. I don’t believe you feel responsible for breaking our marriage and scarring our children. You don’t believe they suffered because of your actions. I haven’t forgiven you for that. I don’t believe you feel any sorrow except for your own suffering and some for leading that innocent (NOT) girl along at work.

    You’re frightened, not sorry. You know that I know your secrets. You don’t know if I kept the police reports for that one thing. You know that if you don’t tow the line I could make your life a hell that you don’t want to imagine. I could expose your truths to our children, our neighbors, your colleagues. You probably suspect I’ve been keeping copies of financial statements for years. You’re right. You also know that I am capable of taking care of our home without you. You try to be indisposable but you’re not.

    I love many aspects about you but I realize how emotionally abusive you were preying on my vulnerabilities. Love won’t save you and it won’t save our marriage. You’re the one that taught me that married love has conditions. Thank you for that.

  • So sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you to find comfort and healing in this community!

    • Thanks. It’s an old wound that never heals. It plagues me daily but he’s been so good because he’s scared, I can’t quite get the gumption to divorce him. Regardless, I love CN and read it religiously. Wish I had it when all my crap was going on. As if there is one moment of time. More like trickle truth. Whatever. I’m learning to love me. Wish I knew how to do it better while I’m still married to him but I refuse to return to RIC boards. CN is finally sinking in that I’m NOT to blame for his bad behavior and beliefs. That I don’t have to convince him if that. Just me.

  • A favorite of mine? Well? It was when he would come up behind me in the kitchen-and at the same time holding his ‘sidewinder’ in his hand and would say…”most women would kill for this!” I can’t even say it. Anyway…how sexy is that? Thinking back on those times…I now know what HE was REALLY thinking! “If you only knew!” I didn’t.

  • A favorite of mine? Well, maybe not a favorite? When the stbx would come up behind me in the kitchen-and…at the same time holding his ‘sidewinder’ in his hand and would say…”most women would kill for this!” I can’t even say it. Anyway…how sexy is that? Thinking back on those times…I now know what HE was REALLY thinking! “If you only knew!” I didn’t.

  • I wrote some sloppy thing within the first 3 weeks or so, and he replied with that it was ‘beautiful writing’ and that he would reply in full soon. Still waiting.

    There were a couple times around there that he did the “I will reply in full soon” bullshit and then never replied. Now I. C. he was just lapping it up. He had me where he wanted me in those early days.

    I am better at this now and have avoided any expressions of hope or wishfulness. Last contact I had with him was to angrily tell him how much the auction house screwed up the sale of some kitchen stools- they were $1000 when new not long ago, very nice Italian-made solid wood, and they claim they only got $15 for the set of four. Bullshit. A broken down set of sawhorses brought $20. (I tried to get the auction house to confirm that it was not a clerical error, perhaps they went for $150? but they never responded. The auction house owner is a pompous ass and would never admit to such a mistake. Just another thing stolen from me in this process, might as well have lit a match to the entire household contents. My whole life feels like a house fire most days, but I am getting stronger.) So my last e-mail was all business but it was angry. He will get his $7.50 for those fucking stools.

  • I am VERY late to the game on this thread, but here are the 10 things I will never, ever accept again in a relationship:
    1) Excuses
    2) Blame (unless truly warranted) (hey, I’m hardly perfect)
    3) physical pain so he can get off (see “Anal Sex”)
    4) Disrespect
    5) Any hint of an excessive need for “privacy”
    6) Any hint of ego-mania
    7) Infidelity
    8) Infidelity
    9) Infidelity
    10) INFIDELITY