So you were chumped. So you’re angry as hell about it. (See yesterday’s post.) What GOOD thing did that anger make you do?
I’m not talking about creating a funeral pyre of all your cheater’s things and dancing around it. We’re not about revenge scenarios here. I’m talking about the kind of righteous anger that creates showdowns with household appliances and lawn equipment.
“YOU WILL NOT WIN STRING EDGER! For I am STRONGER!”
When your world has fallen apart, when you’ve faced greater humiliations than failing to understand string edgers, suddenly lesser hurdles are not so intimidating. Goddamn it, I WILL MASTER THE STRING EDGER! Anger can make you mighty.
Luziana made this point in an excellent comment yesterday:
The Summer that Cold Slab O’ Meat dawdled on paying for the dissolution whilst he played poor discarded me to a host of co workers, internet dates and pregnant Schmoopie who couldn’t decide whether she was really a lesbian or not, my daughter and I built a deck. By ourselves. A 45 year old lady and a ten year old girl. EVERY NAIL had his and The Sluterus’ face on it.
This spring we remodeled three rooms more in our house. The rage of being alone to have to move a disgusting old toilet off the pipe, and my savings gone that I could have used to pay a plumber drove me. When I set the new one properly and bolted it down, the roar I let out felt like fear breaking off my heart and being permanently banished. Yeah, I know. For a toilet.
Rage plumbing. Is there anything mightier?
As I’ve told the story here many times, when I left a cheater I took up welding. (That picture is CL circa 2008.) Not for any practical purpose, like pipefitting, just because I heard about a course being offered and I thought WTF, why not? Welding is essentially like playing with a glue gun that can kill you. In fact, once I didn’t ground it right and I shot a volt of current through the fleshy webbing between my thumb and index finger. Burned a perfect cauterized hole right through my hand. But the crazy thing is, when you’re in a world of heartbreak, burning a hole through your hand doesn’t really faze you. Bring it on MIG welder, I’ve suffered worse.
So what did productive anger make you do? Start the lawn mower alone? Take up public speaking? Run for office?
Tell me about it. And TGIF!
I’m on a mission to re-paint/re-model every room in MY house! Kids and I are having fun and learning a lot along the way! 5 rooms down including a bathroom with a broken sink that d-bag cheater was “getting around to” for 2 years and he is a plumber!! Don’t need you as a plumber or as a husband asshole! Good riddance!
Keep Smiling – I’ve been doing the same thing… I’ve repainted rooms… installed a new front door… finally moved my laundry from the basement up to the mud room… I even updated the bathroom.
When Mr. Sparkles left I gave him our marital bed (always hated it)… living furniture… kitchen utensils… bathroom towels… whereas I bought new furniture and “restyled” the whole VIBE of my house.
As my son says, “Dad’s house looks like the past. Our house is brand new.” Makes me feel good. I kept the physical house for my son’s stability but created a new life for us there. WIN.
I was already the plumber and painter and assembler of furniture in our house. Cheater O’Mine hated doing things like that and always did a terrible job of it so I wouldn’t want him to do it next time.
My mighty house project was that I packed everything I owned into a 26′ rental truck and drove it across three states and through the traffic of several major cities. I was terrified, but I am still proud of myself years later. Also, while I hope I don’t have to do that again, I know that I CAN and that knowledge has powered many more things that scare me.
Oh yeah the silent subconscious rage .post horrific discard within months sold a house(wank face just stopped paying the mortgage on 10 yr family home) lost job / gained new job….found rental for me 3 kids and dog. Ex of 12 months divorced me / dealing with mental health of kids / 90% of mutual friends deserted me (later realised i had been unmercifully slandered for YEARS) lost rest of 5 family pet rabbits to poisoning …. ???? Thinking bunny boiler fatal attraction. So yes rage is an emotion that stops you from self destruction and just getting the fucking job done.
Errata ..ex of 25 yrs within 12 months filed divorce no reason .. except to others gave random justification that ‘kids and homelife were suffocating him and he couldnt do what he wanted …..’ poor lamb.
Yes silent rage propells you past the urge to step in front of a bus and get things done.
Me too! I remodeled my bedroom first and painted it purple, which ex would have hated. Then I tackled the guest room where I found them on DDay: ripped down wallpaper, painted, refinished the floors, and got all new furniture. I learned to spackle (the useful kind!) and then to tile, so I went ahead and tiled my kitchen back splash. I hung art that I liked. I bought myself a brand new shiny red car with bells and whistles, which stills whispers “freedom” to me every time I climb inside. My garden is thriving and my house is uncluttered as a result of having angry energy to spend. And when it really gets bad, I walk for miles; the madder I am, the faster I go!
So far the mightiest thing I’ve done is divorce him. I am still a work in progress. I have mighty plans, though. I just need to get through my days.
good for you !!
You are way ahead of me. Carry on getting through those days, oh mighty one. Plumbing will wait for you.
Girl – you did the hardest thing first… rock on!
Stbxh left us for the last time in March 2016. We have 3 children. Currently they are 4, 3 and 23 months old. He is an idiot who is now living with an affair partner in his parent’s home. They sleep in his childhood bedroom. How romantic… Anyway…
I’ve always wanted a garden but we live in bear country in the mountains. There are many black bear and dozens of white tail deer who visit our house daily…but this year I was determined. The kids and I started several mini greenhouses inside in February. Then I transferred the best seedlings to containers. I dismantled our old shed and used the frame to create a large garden box. I wrapped the entire thing in chicken wire to keep the deer and small animals out and even built a gate for access to the plants. We know have 25+ vegetable plants growing. The children enjoy checking the garden and helping me water the plants in the evening. We are doing our best to stay focused on good things!
Gardening with three preschoolers? What’s a bear? 🙂
My thoughts exactly!
Now that is mighty! No challenge too huge for mama bear Aloha! (And her cubs)
Let’s see…. I sold all my wddding rings and got LASIK eye surgery.. painted and redecorated my daughter’s bedroom and son’s bedroom as well as mine. Had the shutters taken down and plan to paint them and the front door, took my kids to Florida, Cape Cod and Hershey Park.
No drama, no stress and no looking at a lazy ass lay on the couch while I do it all like I always did.
We were married to the same man. So glad he is gone.
Let’s see…. I sold all my wedding rings and got LASIK eye surgery.. painted and redecorated my daughter’s bedroom and son’s bedroom as well as mine. Had the shutters taken down and plan to paint them and the front door, took my kids to Florida, Cape Cod and Hershey Park.
No drama, no stress and no looking at a lazy ass lay on the couch while I do it all like I always did.
After we married I always wanted one of those eternity anniversary bands. The anniversary after he confessed a 4 year affair, he got me one……then I found out a year later he was still seeing her. I always called it the poison ring because it meant nothing when he gave it.
Fast forward 5 years ( chump much??) there is another anniversary band to replace the poison ring. 18mo later he tells me he’s leaving me for his latest AP. Now I have two poison rings.
I sold every piece of jewelry including my wedding bands and the original poison ring and helped pay my pit bull atty and bought a Labrador puppy that I love more than I ever loved my ex…..my dog is loyal, my ex, not so much.
I wear the second poison ring to this day to remind me of what I survived and who I deal with. Just because something is beautiful to you doesn’t mean it’s not poison.
As for my mightiness?
Good settlement, divorce done, don’t give a fuck about him or what he does, I’m purging my house of all things ex husband and making it my own.
I’ve dealt with two fender benders by my daughter in my own, replaced a car battery, and redid my patio.
You rock, Paintwidow!!
Here’s where your ex and his AP are doing it. Right next to the cat puke. LOL
That is hilarious!
Hahahaha….”do it in my twin bed!”
I moved into my own rental townhouse a few months after D-Day. I bought my daughter new bed from Ikea and had them deliver it to my place. Except instead of leaving it at my door they delivered it to the front office, about 1/3 of a mile away. The office called, angry that they had such a huge package that needed to be picked up right now. So I ran over with my 2 year old daughter and little Pontiac Vibe and quickly realized that the package wasn’t going to fit in my car. So maybe on my car? Somehow I shoved it and got it on the roof of my car and then drove slowly to the other side of the complex. Down little inclines, and over about 6 aggressive speed bumps. I don’t know how that bed didn’t slide off my roof along the way.
Then at home I needed to get it inside, somehow single handedly lifted up a full sized bed frame and getting it off my roof into my townhouse.
But the biggest challenge was putting it all together. I would plug along, thinking it was looking good only to have the bed just collapse repeatedly. I desperately needed an extra set of hands to hold pieces in place while I tightened the screws. Somehow I managed to complete it all by myself one afternoon. I screamed, I almost threw the pieces of the bed frame out the window. But in the end I won, and the Ikea bed, while a formidable opponent, was not as stubborn as me.
You are incredible!!
Putting together ANYthing from Ikea is a feat worthy of celebration!
when my sweet husband was dumped, she convinced him to move her into her new place and put all her Ikea stuff together…he was doing the pick me dance so he did it …regrets it to this day
StrawberryJellyfish – I’m in the “more stuborn than ikea furniture” camp too!
Within a week of stumbling on hundreds of his emails to his AP, I secured an apartment and ordered all new ikea furniture. While my then-husband was at work, I moved more financial stuff to the new place and put furniture together… At night, after putting my little one to bed, I would leave “for a walk” in fact putting more furniture together in my new place. I have no recollection of how I put all the 2-people projects together on my own (e.g. my kiddo’s loft bed, an L-shaped sofa and my bed)…
A month after DDay#1, I had a custody plan, a lawyer retained, a new fully furnished place of comfort for my kiddo and myself to come to, all the financial documents, and 1/2 of our liquid assets wired to my own account. I can say it was largely due to the action plan local friends gave me, as well as the burning anger I felt after uncovering his affair.
I’m almost 3 years post-DDay, and still angry, no surprise given the shit sandwiches of having to share custody a disordered fuckwad. But overall, I’m pretty proud about how bad ass my post-DDay exit was.
That whole story needs an SNLvideo like the one above!
IKEA should offer a Chump discount.
Seriously!! I went to Ikea too – a 2-1/2 hour ride over the Sierras from here – and bought a pretty white pine entertainment center. That came in 5 large, HEAVY, boxes. Got those suckers into the garage (borrowed my son’s pickup for the trip) with the help of a girlfriend, then unpacked and carried it into the house one piece at a time. Took a bit, but I DID IT! And I love it, looks so pretty in my grey, white, and aqua living room!
This weekend, I started building the waterfall I’ve always wanted in my backyard! It’s dug, liner’s in, big rocks moved, I collapsed. 🙂 I’ll finish up next week!
It feels SO GOOD to do and get it done without having to beg someone to help, be criticized if I didn’t wait and just did it, or be informed that he could have done better.
Away with you, Shithead! Go impress Liver Spot Lolita with your big talk and now action. I am getting shit done!
That should be “no action” not “now.”
This is for you -Revenge!
You are mighty, for sure! Somehow, when we think we can’t , we push ourselves to get it done, dammit!
This may sound strange – and lame – but I am finally able to do fun things with my children without having to take into account STBX – ‘I have to work’, ‘sounds boring’, ‘I’m too tired’, ‘we can’t afford it’…. I took them to a huge flea market, a renaissance fair, a water park, a ranch and more. The freedom! My eldest is 16 and this is the first time we could just say ‘let’s go do …’. On our first weekend away I kept apologizing that I was so excited! No more controlling, selfish git who was having all of his fun outside of his family.
Not lame at ALL. It’s brilliant!
Not lame at all. I can totally relate. No more tiptoeing around hoping he’d agree to go, no more uncomfortable times at the zoo, fair, store, hike, whatever with kids engaged but sourpuss dragging his feet because the trip really wasn’t his idea and “this is frustrating let’s just go back home”…. So yes to “let’s just go do it!” Good for you!
I LOVE THIS!
I always hated taking my son places with the “trip martyr”
He would always go because he said he didn’t want to hear me complain? And he never had a good time because you know the zoo, aquarium, park, Disneyland were ‘never his thing’ even though his son LOVED IT. What a tool!
Hell, I would tell him directly that I didn’t want him to go. Then he would just sulk in the backround holding the backpack trying to ruin our fun while me & my son would be having a blast without him.
Since my ex’s ‘thing’ was porn & hookers, I guess our son wouldn’t have been any fun to him until he was much older to share in that crap.
Now that ex has passed, we no longer have to deal with “trip martyr”
My son & I made a vision board and are constantly adding & going to the fun places we want to go.
We have already crossed off a few so far this year and it has been great!
I don’t trust any person who acts miserable at Disneyland! I can relate to this so much. My daughter is only 5 and she says “you always take me places, Dad never does anything with me.” I’m always finding activities for us around town. I have friends with kids so she gets to play with her friends at my house or theirs. We go see lots of plays and musicals and get to listen to music in the house and dance around. Best is that my boyfriend is always down for whatever and will join us often and be a fun addition to our group.
I’ve taken my daughter to Disneyworld twice since we divorced and it was a thousand times more enjoyable without him there. He’s such a wet blanket.
I don’t trust any person who acts miserable at Disneyland
I know right?!
So now we are planning Disneyworld next year-YAY!
(probably with some of the money from nowdeadcheater’s stupid project cars)
My STBX did this same thing at Universal Studios. I was pregnant and couldn’t ride anything with my 14 and 12 year old kids. He didn’t ride anything with them either and then wouldn’t talk to me while we waited for the kids to ride on their own, then he disappeared for 5 hours (he found a bar to drink and watch football).
My ex scoffed and scorned any idea of taking the kids to the big parks like Disney. Tourist rip-off, tacky, for idiots. Then last year, on his California vacay w/his current gf (not OW), he went to Universal Studios and had a GREAT time, and told the kids all about it, and offered to take them there and to Disney. Yeah, make that offer NOW, when the kids are 15 and 16, and barely see you, and would never travel w/you.
There are so many, many ways they suck, both big and small.
“Trip martyr”. I had one of those. He also excelled at “restaurant martyr” and “movie martyr”
Ugh. Good riddance!
Yup, I also had a ‘trip martyr’, or more like an ‘oh, we’re travelling and having a good time? I must fight w/you about something trivial, or sulk for no apparent reason’ type. But his greatest martyrdom was around shopping! He made it so unpleasant for all of us. Then was shocked. SHOCKED. when the kids and I didn’t want him to come shopping w/us.
Yup, my cheater sucked like a hoover vacuum!
My anger has propelled me to go out for more adventures with me and my son.
Mr. Runswithhookers wasn’t really a pet fan & wouldn’t allow another cat into the household after one of our cats passed a few years ago & our poor surviving cat has been so lonely……and he is old. My son has always wanted a white kitty so we went to look for one & saw another kitty who was just as adorable so now we are adopting 2 kitties!
I bought a bigger aquarium too & set it up myself……………More fishes you say? I say yes!
I don’t think we have room for a dog right now but someday……. 🙂
I am mighty because I am rebuilding our lives with love & adventure.
Oh, my best act of anger is that I am selling his precious beloved “project cars” he never finished & will use the money to get us a nice car for us as well.
I have used youtube videos to fix the TV, the garage door, and a minor plumbing issue.
Ah yes. Never wants to do anything the family wants to do. It also dribbled into date nights. I used to set up dates but he never liked my ideas so I started letting him set up the dates so we could do what he wanted. Then when the marriage blew up one of his complaints was that he always had to set up the dates. She (Schmoopie) was more fun because she would come up with all of these fun things to do, things that if I had suggested them he would have said “nah”.
As CL & CN has said, we give so much for so little in return. We make our needs small. It’s amazing how much this can affect our kids.
My ex was the life of the party, fun and engage when it was something he wanted to do. He would guilt us if we did something without him or make the rest of us miserable if he went and didn’t want to.
I don’t miss walking on egg shells or pacifying that high maintenance bottomless pit of need.
what an ass. he missed (is missing) the joy of parenthood. You rock!
I love this! My stbx never wanted to attend family days so I always felt like I was “begging” him to join us and then when he did (which wasn’t often) he would brood the whole time and be miserable. My kids always tiptoed around him when he was in a bad mood. I got used to just doing things alone with my kiddos and now it doesn’t feel much different. Recently my son had his 14th birthday and his dad wrote “I know I haven’t always been the best dad but my love for you is strong.” I want to scream “actions speak louder than words, asshole!!” But I won’t, of course, as I am the sane, dutiful parent. Per the usual. Keep up the family trips! Good for you!
I fired my first attorney. She charged me $38,000….he was ProSe. He got the house…moved in his whore…Yada Yada yada.
I drafted my own contempt petition and took it to a new attorney…he asked…Did you do this yourself? Yes…yes I did. I left…he called and offered me a job…. Me…a hairdresser who had gone to jail (thank you Ex Douche bag) ….had zero computer skills other than facebook….was offered a job with a law firm. I took it. I learned…I even did my own All Claims Hearing Case….the judge complimented my work.
I took my anger and my penchant for details and documentation and killed my Ex in the courtroom.
I am back “Behind the Chair” working as a hairdresser. I have rebuilt my clientele which I lost 5 years ago when my life imploded.
Nothing is more satisfying and vengeful…as succeeding and doing it very very well…and looking good while doing it!!!
I am impressed and inspired. I am needing this dose of mightiness today!!
You are mighty, Tracy!! This is the person who messaged you on Facebook. I’m “Martha” here at Chump Lady! 🙂 I think I might take a drive with my daughter to get our hair done by you. I love your work! I want to go blonde, because blondes have more fun! 🙂 You rock and I love how mighty you are!
Yes, go blond Martha, you will look gorgeous!
Today I am going blonde, well darker with blonde streaks.
YOU and TRACY are both MIGHTY!
You are beyond brilliant!
I met Tracy 8 years ago, just before both her hell and mine began. She introduced me to CL & CN. Her story is remarkable, to say the least, in an ocean of terrible tales. The story line of her life from D day forward has more dark twists and turns than “The Sixth Sense”. I have,as many others, encouraged her to write it down.
Her XA-HOLE invested lots of time and energy trying to convince Small Town, USA that she was clinically insane and an attempted assaulter of her own child and murderer of cows . Yes, cows. Although temporarily back on her heels, she came out with a blazing rage coupled with a determination to learn the legal ropes concerning divorce and she came out a big winner. All this time (5 years?) , she has been helping other women in the same or similar situations, (yes, IN JAIL she counseled hardened criminals, and they advised her, too!) and has remained both steadfast AND open-minded. She’s been impressing some big names in the hair business, and I can’t wait for the look of dull surprise on the faces of local Switzerland friends when her own shop is the “big name”. She used rage to do all this . At first,uncontrolled, it got her in more trouble.She was blindsided. Her X was counting on that. Then, she used it like a sharpened tool and has a new life and , I think, new self-appreciation. Use the rage. Be like Tracy.
I found Tracy accidentally on Facebook when she posted a few comments on Chump Lady’s Facebook posts. I put two and two together as to her story here on Chump Lady blog (the teapots were the connecting link). Her story is shocking and her mightiness is amazing! I could relate to her story as my ex called the police three times and got a restraining order against me, which I haven’t violated. That piece of paper has kept me from missing a full year of my kids activities, because I never knew if he’d be there or not. Just yesterday, I missed a very big event for my son. My son called me up about two hours before the event was to start and he said, “Dad said there wasn’t a restraining order.” His dad lied to his own son. I cannot wait to show my son the restraining order tonight when he gets home from his dads. And I was blindsided too and once the fog lifted, my rage turned me into what looked like a crazy person. But would anyone ever tell Tiger Woods’ ex-wife that she was crazy for going after him with a golf club?! Nope! She was acting normal to a really shitty, cheating husband. Same with me and the same with Tracy. I do hope to meet Tracy some day. She’s inspiring just like all the other chumps out there that are fighting to get their lives back after realizing they were chumped. Go Tracy and go Chump Nation!!!
You frame that restraint order valiant lady. It is yur badge of honour.
I am so sorry you have to miss your children’s sports events. That part is sad and sucks.
But, really you got it over your ex.
You are mighty, you rock!
It sounds like he is afraid of YOU!
????This girl’s on fire!????
Another poster said she grew woman’s balls.
Now, that is mighty.
CN never fails to amaze me.
Martha, you hold your head high.
You did what you had to do to protect your children’s and your own integrity.
YOU ARE MIGHTY,
Hear CN roar!?
Hey, and you can always do the legal thing part-time if you need to…
Tracy the attorney/hairdresser for the win!!
Tracy Brokovitch??? This is an incredibly inspiring story. You rock.
Omg! That is mighty kickass at its best Tracy! Congrats!
My Baby sister is internationally Red Seal Journey welder! I can appreciate where you came from on the trade class.
I have a rage filled wood chopping corner. It’s my anger management corner. I’ve split a lot of wood. I am truly proud splitting Apple or birch tree wood. It takes a lot of hacking.
Catathartic and useful. Chopping wood good. Murdrr bad.
(And I qualified for sharpshooting/sniper specifications. JUST so I could hang the certificate at Fucknuts eye level. But he already knew I was tactically trained.)
Happy Friday CL and CN.
Keep on keeping on.
A chump with an axe! Damn, don’t mess with you! (Or your baby sis.)
I think “Chump with an axe” needs to be a cartoon!
TaraBelle you are effing MIGHTY!!!!
I continue to be amazed by the badass chumps on CL.
Moved my boys and I 45 minutes away. By myself. Initially had asked a friend for help but he cancelled last minute. Determined to do it myself. My wonderful ex had actually laughed in my face when I said I was leaving and moving. He said oh yeah? How? Goodluck. 2 beds. A crib. A table. A couch. All the essentials for a 2bdrm apt. 8 trips back and forth in my car from point a to point b. 45 minutes each way. Recruited college boy neighbors with beer – to assist in the heavy stuff. But be damned I got it done. In one day. In a Chevy equinox.
That’s mighty, MightyMamaOf2!!!!
I did just about the same. Moved most of the stuff all by myself. I had to hire a mover for the big furniture, but all the boxes and stuff were pretty much me in my little car.
And my ex was the same way. He didn’t believe I’d move out. I did and took the kids and dog with me!
Your kids are blessed to have such a strong and loving Mama… you’ve got this!
I get that. “laugh in the face.” Cheater told me, part laughingly, ultimately just evilly: “that house is going to swallow you up.”
The house I spent twenty years and my whole career paying for. W-R-O-N-G.
It’s better than ever and will sell for a good price.
While Cheater-Baby-Boy lives in OW’s house, I think.
No longer even know or care.
Unfortunately, I’m not a productive anger person. I’m a cuss, drink, throw stuff kind of anger person. But, all that’s short lived little bursts and I get on with stuff pretty quickly then.
Mostly right now I’m straightening on my house, getting my finances in order, and reading a lot, which totally fell out the window when I was with asshole cheater cause I was laser focused on him and his shitty behavior.
“Cause I was laser focused on him and his shitty behavior. ”
THIS^^^^ So true, Anita!!!
It’s sad how much productive and enjoyable time for yourself and your own needs, wants, and personal hobbies come to a halt when all your attention is on playing marriage police and/or trying to keep the marriage together almost single-handedly. It feels good to have time to get back to the things I enjoy without having to worry about him all the time and his shady activities!
Anita- me too. And chesterpanys had the nerve to tell me my cussing offended him…..WTFH? Douches
1. Spoke up – the truth loud and clear
2. Lawyered up big time – I’m talking huge
3. Became the best private investigator that ever existed – don’t know why he didn’t see this coming. The internet and lots of persistence (and hours and hours) were my welding
4. Found the best damn therapist ever
5. Got an amazing job – so good that my Facebook post about the “best job in the world” was the first page at my deposition! My lawyer and I laughed hysterically. That was the biggest gun in thee arsenal?
6. Reached out to all my friends and asked for help many, many times. I must have been a great friend for years because what I got back was humbling
7. And I found this amazing blog and the even more amazing Chump Lady
And all of that was just the first 6 months after finding out the man I married was a myth.
All the above while renovating an apartment for one son, packing and moving to get the hell out of the place the ex dumped me in.
I can’t weld, but give me power tools and I’m in heaven!
Rebecca, me too! I own what happened and I am open about it. Not overshare, just open. I stopped keeping secrets. Help from friends has been amazing. And I have a great job thanks to the help from a chump friend. This place saved my life and helped me tell my truth.
In six months… YOU ARE MIGHTY… AND FAST 🙂
I had a feather stuffed couch that I hated. A few years ago the XH insisted we needed a new couch (he is a big guy and had gone through my first couch when he inserted himself in my life and apartment and the next one which I purchased to replace it) SO, a couple family members were coming from Merry Ole England and he insisted we needed a new one, but….sorry, Nej, you will have to pay for it because I am out on disability…
I spackled away that red flag as I did all of them and i ended up hastily buying a huge feather bed couch at a Bloomies warehouse sale place because it was the only one acceptable to him–it was discounted but already looking a bit worn. Skip ahead two years before he left and I was constantly picking up feathers plus it had his smell embedded in the fabric. Every time I would sit on it it made me think of how he would lay on it in his underwear all day and night on his phone texting while watching sports. Blech.
I dismantled the legs and carried that monster out of my house and in the garbage. My only regret is I didn’t do it earlier!
With your douchey husband still on it! Lol
As husband, I always did yard work and household maintenance and small repairs. What I couldn’t do was anything related to technology. Relied on my cheating ex-wife to do anything tech-y. She did it but made me feel dumb for seeking help. Lots of eye rolling and tutt-tutting. So I was one of the last people on the planet ordering CDs and talking on a flip phone.
After my divorce, I didn’t do rage plumbing, but I did do some pretty determined techno self training. Now, several years later, I download songs and podcasts onto my iPod from iTunes, I use emojis on my smartphone (???!!), and I even have a Facebook page (though I confess to occasionally referring to it as “Friendbook” or “Facefriend.” I have conquered 2009!
Gee taco emoji who would have thought!
I returned to college. 4 straight quarters of going full time at this point, dean’s list all the way. nothing like calculus to take your mind of shit
Deans list taking calculus…that is crazy mighty (that I cant do…Im scared crazy over the stats class I start in 2 weeks). You are Math Mighty!
a year ago I barely tested into college algebra on my placement exam…
Legend, king! Algebra. Scary stuff for those less STEM oriented! I also returned to uni and Dean’s Listed, honour societied and scholarshipped the fuck out of my undergrad degree. Topped one department and second in another (double major.) Just over a month out from Masters research thesis submission today. Still shit scared every day I will be exposed as a fraud! But still here.
Have always been a capable renovator/handyperson. I always modelled that behaviour for my kids, even before my life imploded. But mostly because I could never afford tradespeople! So yeah, I keep that up and try to problem solve to avoid being the damsel in distress. My eldest is more ‘girly’ than me, but even she impresses her workmates doing things like turning up after lunch breaks (she is a makeup artist/hairdresser) with car repair tools, eg, jump box for her car’s tired battery. #proudmummabear.
My parents owned a house that my grandmother had lived in. It was pretty there. Near the end of the marriage, X went there for some “alone time”. The lady he screwed there, who thought they were soulmates after their beautiful week, called our house one day because he wasn’t calling her back (no cell phones then) and was shocked to hear me answer, since she didn’t know I existed.
We had a long talk.
I went to the house as soon as I could. I was determined that those two fuckers were NOT GOING TO TAKE THAT HOUSE AWAY FROM ME. So many of my life’s memories… My grandmother… No.
The house was neglected. I am surprised nobody ever called the city. The yard was overgrown with ivy. I donned gloves and started pulling.
A neighbor came by and caught me ugly-crying and offered help. I said thanks, but no, I need to do this. She smiled kindly and said, OK, I understand, I live just over there. You’re doing great. I always figured she knew exactly what was going on.
I cleared every inch of that yard and cleaned and scrubbed every inch of their tawdry week out of MY HOUSE, then went back at least once a month (until my dad sold it) to keep it up. Fuck them. MY HOUSE.
I started doing speaking engagements to medical students about my cancer. Then my son started a cancer awareness group at this school and together we’ve started a team that works for a local organization. We’ve raised over $25,000 for research together! Last year I was given an award for the work we’re doing and I gave an amazing acceptance speech at the annual fund raising dinner.
No more hiding from the world for me.
Take that, asshole!
Not particularly groundbreaking for me, I’m painted an awful lot in my life — but in honor of what’s gotten me through the worst with KK, I repainted our bedroom “Rock Gray”:
(I searched high and low for “Gray Rock” but it does not exist)
I went with Dolphin Gray for the same reason 🙂
I used to have a sleep disorder while I was married. Amazing what happens when you get rid of a cheating fuckwit, paint the room and buy a new bed. Sleeping a straight 8 now… on Belgian linen sheets nonetheless!
Yesssssss! It was like miracle how after discovery, my insomnia cleared up as well as so many aches and pains. I’ve been sleeping like a baby ever since. You cannot put a price on a good nights rest! ???
He was always the one who suffered from insomnia. Funny, getting away from me didn’t do anything to clear that up for him. Every time I see him he looks like he hasn’t slept in a week.
I used to have minor insomnia, mostly waking up and wondering why he wasn’t home yet or coming to bed yet when he was home. Now that I know he isn’t coming to bed ever, I sleep soundly. I am also no longer awakened by his snoring although I do get cold sometimes. He was good for keeping the bed warm when he was in it.
Hot water bottle will do the trick!
Me too CIR. The snoring, and also the inability to sleep until he came to bed. All so much better now. And a heating blanket is awesome. Turn on an hour before bedtime and it’s nice and toasty.
After Stbx left after I threw him out.. legally .. alone in home , my toilet bowl stop working. Couldn’t afford plumber .. crying & angry.. went to Home Depot, asked assistant questions, not understanding what the heck they were saying, I ran home with part & put piece on bowl
After 2 hours, done!! So proud of myself. Cursed them., angry as hell. But I did it.
One of many things I did alone
Fuck them both. Hopefully karma shows up .
Almost three years since I caught the cheater out on a “drinks date” with the women who he said was “just a friend”, he was just trying to be a “good friend” to her after her divorce (he’s a predator!!), she was “sexless” to him, he couldn’t tell whether she was male or female/”just a friend!!!!!” — yeah, right. His “friend” is now his “girlfriend.” And he started dating and sleeping with her when we were still married. Hopefully he’s figured out by now that she’s a female. What an asshole.
So, a year ago I was religiously listening to Phil Collin’s song, “I Don’t Care Anymore” and studying to take a admittance test for nursing school. Past the test! I’m now two months into nursing school at the age of 51 years old. My anger is not even close to where it was, but I use my anger and hatred (yes, I hate him for lying to me since the very beginning of our relationship (ALWAYS had women “friends”) to study more and harder. You see, my ex, even before he told me he wanted a divorce — we were going to counseling with our pastor and the whole time my ex was telling his bosses and co-workers that I was “crazy.” What a nice “Christian” guy! And of course about five months after the fog lifted, I started to act what looks like crazy when you are full of RAGE, because when you are dealing with a covert narcissist, you realize you’ve been dupped FOREVER and the rage sets in and you go nuts!!
So now I use what’s left of my anger towards him to get great grades and to prove that I’m not crazy. Sorry, but they don’t let crazy people be nurses. Crazy people could not handle what I’ve been thru with two moves. Buying my own place. Taking care of two kids. Trying to figure out stuff I haven’t dealt with in over 20 years. And on top of that, getting good grades and perfect attendance.
I will be awesome and mighty! 🙂 Thanks Chump Lady and Chump Nation!
OMG Martha!!!! The first EA my ex had, he told me about this “attraction” he found unsettling for a co-worker, that he’d let “come too close” in sharing etc. And he said “I’m not even sure if she’s a lesbian, to me she’s like a guy in a woman’s body, I can’t even tell if she’s a guy or a woman” !!!!!!!!!!
This NEVER made sense to me and I’m so shocked to see another cheater say that!!!! Although I shouldn’t be, as we know they have a handbook… A year later, he texted her to be his “sexy nurse” – but it was just a JOKE!!! Yeah, I didn’t laugh (but I did stay for 5 more years, as I tried to believe him – faceslap!)
Yes, Jessica, it’s crazy and amazing that they all seem to say different versions of the same thing! And I hear you about hearing something that sounds so ridiculous from the cheater and we “try to believe” them. I had 20+ years of things that he said that just seemed “off” or a lie. I guess it’s all a part of being a chump. We so want to believe that the person who tells us that they love us couldn’t possibly be lying. Oh, well. Live. Learn. And don’t be a trusting chump again!!
Martha…Nursing School in your 50s in MIGHTY!! I recently went back (also in my 50s) to finish my BSN (i have homework Im avoiding as we speak). With dignity intact, I have taken classes with 18 yr olds, had my daughter edit english papers and learned that my son is working in the next edition of my math textbook ( of ALL of the textbooks in the world, what were the chances of that !?!). You GO!!
You are a great inspiration for those college kids, I am sure. You are amazing, too, unicornomore.
YES, I agree, amazing and MIGHTY!
Unicornomore, You are mighty too and I too have studying that I’m avoiding at the moment. lol. 🙂
YOU already are awesome and mighty!
The world needs more caring, nurturing, bold, brave nurses like you!
( all you have suvived will make you a top notch, empathetic nurse)
( ask me how I know) ?
You rock girl!
You got this with flying colours!
Thank you, Peacekeeper, for our kind words. (((HUGS))) to you. 🙂
Wow, Martha Holy Shit! I was in my very early 20’s when I went to nursing school. I had no children and didn’t work at the time. You got this!!
Thank you, nomoreskankboy! 🙂
I don’t do a lot of rage projects, but I do a lot of things because I’m stubborn and persistent. One of the hardest things I did was the first Christmas with out cheater. I always had a real tree. So out I go in the cold (-20) and snow to cut my own tree. I found the perfect 8 foot tree, sawed it down and lifted into the back of my truck. Then I hauled it into my house, up the stairs, and got it into the tree stand. Took me a lot of time but I did it all by myself.
I used my anger to overcome my fear of depending on myself/being utterly alone. I mountain biked by myself with my tent and sleeping bag 10+ miles into a remote campground (safely too far from unsafe riff raff and complete with a visiting ranger). I camped overnite, cooked my food and serenely drank my tea by a beautiful river. When I started to feel afraid I let the anger propel me forward. I hiked to a glacier and back absorbing every amazing view, relishing each precious moment that I began to take my life back, letting the anger and fear dissolve and empowerment and trust in my capable self rush in. It was the first memory I made without spawn of phlegms manipulative oppressive presence and I still am so very proud of myself.
I love this. ❤️
Right on Overcomer! How evocative and inspiring…
Thank you, it was the first “one step forward” moment for sure
I cleared out all my childhood/teenager belongings from my parents’ house to make room for myself so I could try not to live out of a suitcase (I still am living out of a suitcase).
Collections of books, magazines, CDs, almost everything I ever owned went down to the trash cans in about 20 rounds up and down from the 2nd floor apartment to the street.
Rage decluttering workout!!
I was meant to relocate internationally for my job however I got offered a promotion in the same city as Lenore the Whore and Fuckwit…
MY work colleague, who had an affair with my Husband… and got immediately pregnant…. slight twist on the usual story!
I became the OW’s boss… don’t mess with me bitch… I am here to stay!
Wow that’s some powerful karma!
I finally got a hand in our finances and then made them mine. I like to riff on CL’s famous quote and often say the affair was the turd on the shit cake he had me eat for years. Financial infidelity was there way before he secretly introduced the 22 year old from Thailand into the marriage. So when it all imploded, I went on a money discovery trip. The one with the lawyer and my divorce-certified financial advisor and my very own. I handled two professionals and their fees, I filed my taxes, got my credit in order, refinanced the house in my name, had the roof replaced (literally the roof over our heads! which needed to be replaced five years before that), put in new gutters, had to hire a lawyer overseas to get my hands on official paperwork showing I was an owner of property there, got child support, got alimony, I am paying for my son’s flying lessons… It goes on and on. There was so much growth and power from taking the reins on all that!
I am FINALLY making decisions for my own own life, a privilege he had deny me the whole marriage (add narcissist to the lovely mix the genius is) and I no longer have to hear ‘we can’t afford it’ from the man who earns a quarter of a million dollars a year, the man who made his family of origin, his priority over the family he created.
You know that bumper sticker that says “If I had known grandkids were so much fun, I’d have had them first”, I feel the same way about divorce. If I had known I’d be so much happier/stronger divorced, I would have done that first 🙂
P.S.: You look awesome in that welder’s hat/helmet Tracy! 🙂
The 22 year old from Thailand? So you were also married to my ex then… amazing how the stories are the same. Mine had several Thai whores he was paying for school for (they were that young) a 19 year old in our home country, Australia, and a bunch of icky buddies he used to travel with, with these whores!
Ditto, if I’d known divorce was so much better than staying married to that jackass, I would’ve done it a LOT sooner!
Yes I think one of Thailand’s great export is young would-be-whores. The genius actually tried to justify the affair and legitimize his AP to our son by telling him that she was a graduate student (and I’m sure he helped finance that endeavor, just like your cheater…). If I had been part of that conversation, I would have asked him what did she major in? And mind you, I am convinced she was not the only one. He comes from a country where prostitutes are almost exclusively from South East Asia (as he was ‘told’ by his own father). At any rate, I will also add that I try really hard not to have a country/culture specific racism because of that one person (I guess I’m failing miserably with this post…). And I am also a strong believer not to go after the OW, so I completely ignored her and I know for a fact that she was very annoyed at that. Is it any surprise that she is no longer in the picture?
I’m proud to say I repaired my dishwasher twice, buying the parts on Amazon and following youtube repair videos, and installed the insides of two toilet tanks.
I also replaced the batteries in our smoke alarms, Replacing smoke alarm batteries looked simple, but for over 20 years I watched X change our smoke alarm batteries and it would take him almost an entire afternoon, with deep sighs, climbing up and down the ladder, giving me dirty looks, stomping through the house, slamming doors. When the time came to replace our smoke alarm batteries I almost called the fire department or a handyman. As I was about to call the fire department, I decided to try replacing the batteries, I climbed on the ladder pulled the old batteries and installed the new batteries, no problem, and within 15 minutes all the smoke alarms had fresh batteries. ha!
Brit, first of all, fixing a dishwasher is MIGHTY (I wouldnt even try) and I TOTALLY get how the nowgonecheater adds piles of drama to any task they do to convince us of their toil…mine acted like a giant ass while doing the taxes…he was overtly abusive SCREAMING at me to scamper around the house finding whatever document he demanded…it was hellish.
The second year after he died, I did my own taxes and when I finished, I was like “that was it? that was what he chose to abuse me over, that asshole”.
Oh my gosh, YES!! My ex is a CPA and manages the finances for a big company but every year when he did our personal taxes you would think he was put on a rack and tortured. Lots of snarky comments about how I would have to do them the next year because why should HE be punished every year (because you’re an ACCOUNTANT dip shit). So when I decided to end the marriage I did my own taxes using the same readily available tax software he always used. It was so fucking easy I couldn’t believe it! All that fussing… All you do is answer the questions and plug in the numbers where appropriate. I did my own taxes and both of my kids’ that year and the years since and never looked back. I think maybe if he hadn’t spent so much time wanking off to porn between plugging in the numbers he wouldn’t have found it so difficult. Clearly multi tasking wasn’t his thing. 😉
P.S. I’m always amused by the striking parallels in chump stories about their cheaters. It’s like they are all just pieces made out of the same dingy mold. No originality at all.
Kind of manes you wonder, Beth, that doing something that easy (with the software) is what he chose to make his life’s work. Well, maybe his true life’s work is jumping from partner to partner, ….
Not dissing CPAs in general, I know that it’s not totally boilerplate for them. But simple tax work should be a walk in the park for them.
Hugs. Strength. Peace.
Aeronaut, you’re right on to it. Their true life’s work is jumping from partner to partner or rather, walking over a bridge made of interlocked partners, because as we all know, there are no gaps, the partners overlap.
When anything would need to be repaired, I would get a sick feeling. In addition to the drama, “he” was a Master of Disaster. Ham fisted, careless, reckless. Anything he put his hands to would be much worse off afterwards. Destroyed.
I would hide what needed to be fixed or so, No! It’s okay. I will call someone to fix it.
I believed for years that he was just clumsy and a poor handyman. And then I read this bizarre short story about a woman who leaves a man because he was always accidentally hurting her- smashing her toe, causing a bruise, breaking things.
She suddenly realized, that even though he mimed regret and disbelief that she was ending up with broken plates, bones and bruises….she began to understand it was no accident.
When I think of all the things he smashed, I realize now he wanted it to be my face. Funny how, when he was playing golf- careful as a heart surgeon.
Wow! What short story?
I ran a rather profitable vintage furniture business from home for a couple of years when my kids where young. Asshats work didn’t come close to being a living wage and a normal job didn’t work around kindergarten.
I would deliver to buyers (with my four year old in the van) and would need help lifting the items into my van which I would reverse to the garage.
He did not help in this business but sure enjoyed the profits. The song and dance that came and the bitching and moaning when asked to help me load the van, seriously three minutes work was un fucking real. Should have left then, he was jealous of my success. My kids gave me more help than that selfish prick.
The doing of the TAXES!
Bless your heart, I bet you smile when you do them yourself (and you know just where each needed damn piece of paper is!) ?
Girl, no doubt about it, YOU are MIGHTY!
Just read your post regarding taxes,
I already believed you are mighty, ( I always learn from your posts),and now there is no doubt in my mind!
BETH, you go girl!
MIGHTY looks so good on you ladies!
A Happy Week-end and hugs to ALL Chumps!
You ALL bring sunshine and happiness no matter where you abide on this beautiful earth!
I did our taxes for years because … lazy entitlement. So my moment in which anger gave me strength was to tell my ex NO, I will not do keep doing your taxes, now that you’ve thrown away our relationship and your kids’ family for a slunt! Sheesh, what do these people have in place of a brain?
And I have to say, I had been quite proud the first time I did those taxes alone, w/my salaried job, his sometimes salaried/sometimes consulting, my side-line business income, and the income and expenses from the one rental property we own. It sounded so complicated! But really … with the software they have now, my cat could probably do it. It’s more the intimidation factor ….
I demolished his homemade bar in the basement with the help of a sledgehammer and a good friend. When we finally kicked the last of the crappy structure to the ground with a victory howl, it was as cathartic as it was metaphorical.
Sounds like you now have the makings of a nice bon fire 🙂
sledgehammers are great therapy. I destroyed three raised bed gardens and yes, it was cathartic!
When Nowdeadcheater was alive, he bought a big house (with a big yard) that we couldn’t afford and he refuse to to take proper care of. I had 5 dependents in the house when he died who all refused to help and I nearly drowned in cleaning/maintenance (especially when I broke my arm).
I thought of selling the big house but the moment was never right. One mighty day I decided to dig up a section of lawn where grass wouldnt grow and make planting beds…hella project. NDC would have had a conniption and new boyfriend would have questioned the idea, but I stood with shovel in hand…looked to my right and to my left and realized that I was the only grown up there, it was MY house (dammit) and I wanted to dig up that part of the yard. Digging commenced.
I should have added…I considered selling the house but instead kept it which was good since it worked out well when I remarried. Col Greatguy hired a lawn service and got me a cleaning lady and pays for everything to be fixed that we cant figure out ourselves.
My wedding gift to him was a redone bathroom where we wouldnt annoy each other with limited space…I designed every inch of it, hired contractors to do the technical stuff but created a wonderful space with a special shower head installed extra high for his tall self. There was a corner of the bathroom where the contractor suggested a boring closet…oh no, that spot was perfect for a fabulous antique european armoire his XW left behind when she dumped him…yes that will do just fine.
Love this story! You are so mighty UNM!!
Love it hope I find a nice tall hottie one day.
You will Lady B and he is a lucky man!
I am terrified of electricity but nevertheless replaced four light fixtures in the place I bought post-divorce. By myself. Peering at YouTube video instructions about a zillion times before each step to be sure I wasn’t doing it wrong. The four included the big dining room fixture. Replaced the switch on that one, too. Definitely something I never thought I’d be able to do.
I removed popcorn ceiling by myself as well. That is one rough job!
I can’t say I was angry at the time. It had settled more into determination.
Holy crap I’m painting popcorn ceiling what a nightmare. Started last year and asshat sat on his phone and did not lift a finger, too tired from work, yes I work also. God I put up with crap.
I have wanted to change light fixtures but am worried that you should be a licensed electrician, should I care? Watched you tube also and learnt how to. Should I just do it, those 80s fixtures are awful.
Light fixtures are easy. Moving electrical boxes and such maybe not but a lot of fixtures are just match the colored wires and twist them together with one of those plastic wire cap things, then secure to the ceiling. You can do it!
Thanks Shelby this is what I need. I’m going to do it! Goodbye 1980s stained glasses pendant and bunker lights.
Shelby is right. 90% of the time was me fretting and fussing and checking the instructions again. And winding electrical tape and inspecting it six times, lol.
Oh, but be sure to flip the circuit breaker and be sure the power to that part of the house is offline. Very important.
Will do thanks
Saw a video on how to install thin wood planking over popcorn ceiling…looks cool. When redoing my bathroom, I tried to scrape popcorn ceiling for like 20 seconds (no joke) and instead got the contractors to put a thin 1/8 inch layer of smooth sheetrock over the popcorn. You are all mighty!
Yes the planking is great. I will keep that it mind for eventually bathroom renos. I purchased the paint runner pro which is making the ceiling painting sooo much quicker and easier then normal rollers. It does however take a huge amount of paint. My bedroom will probably tale 12 litres.
The secret is to paint over the popcorn, let it moisten a few minutes, then scrape it off. It’s a bit counterintuitive but the paint loosens it. I used cheap white contractors grade, lots of it. But it’s not a job I would do again! It helped that I knew I was replacing the carpet so no worries about protecting the floor.
Oh careful, chumps! I am assuming popcorn ceiling is what we call a textured ceiling? They contain asbestos, and should only be removed by licensed asbestos removers.
Lady B…..Good going! My STBX cheater/liar/pervert/porn degenerated did not know how to fix anything! And….he was always “occupied” with other things (ball games on TV, webcam hoes). Worthless loser!
I made the snow blower my bitch. Clearing our large driveway had been his job (you know, for the one winter he lived in our brand new 3 bedroom ranch in the country before deciding he was done with family life forever). This winter in NY was horrible. It must have snowed enough to require snow-blowing at least a dozen times or more. He offered to come around and do it for me. I thought to myself “Fuck that”, and I proceeded to push that mother-effrr up our driveway every time, by myself, ice and snow accumulating on my eyelashes and hair, fingers nearly frostbit, and lungs piercing with the cold. But I would be damned if I let myself and my son be stuck in our house because of a few inches of powered precipitation. One time a pin broke, and I had no idea how to fix it (spoiler: there’s usually extra pins somewhere on the machine, to save future Chumps out there trouble!) I shoveled the driveway by hand! Cause fuck him, that’s why. Yeah, I cried while I did it a few times. I was furious that this was my life now, that I was alone, that he had promised to help me and be there for me forever – but I never quit. Now I’ve moved into my own apartment with my son, and I don’t need a snow blower and I don’t need an asshole for a husband either!
I started salsa dancing, I’ve continued to homeschool my son (albeit I’m taking it easier for both of us!) and working on my business from home. I’m determined to be successful so that I can one day earn more money doing this side-job (that I love and started on my own while being a SAHM) than Douche-bag Saggy Balls does. That would be the sweetest revenge of all.
Love your first sentence!
I want to make more money than cheater x too. I did when we first met. A long time ago. I was good at creating wealth – generating income, managing expenses, and saving. He was good at spending! I will not depend on someone else to pay the bills again.
Hahahahaha, ….”I made the snow blower my bitch!”
Love your second-to-the-last sentence!
I love the last sentence of your first paragraph!
I booked a week’s mountain biking holiday in the Atlas Mountains of Morocco without telling him and just went.
I wanted to challenge myself physically and mentally, to scare myself.
It was unbelievably exhilarating, hurtling down off-road tracks on rocks with hairpin bends and steep drops to the side. I have never felt so alive but terrified at the same time.
It felt like a massive “fuck you” to the cheater and I loved it.
Mid-divorce I took my dog to a dog camp for a week. What a great experience. Could never have done it with the ex.
And part of it was an ‘F you, I’m busting out.’
Ohana, where was the dog camp, and do you stay there for the week? I’m intrigued!
Hi Diane, It was in upstate New York. Unfortunately they don’t do it any more though you can book a stay there with your dog. The grounds are a fantastic place to spend time with your dog. The camp included lectures, classes and all kinds of activities to try — tracking, agility, you name it. The dogs were off leash the entire week and the people were great.
After the Twat moved in with the Skank (think fat ankles, plain face and drunk most of the time), one of the top guys where I work started asking me out. I wasn’t interested but he was persistent so eventually we got together. Ex must have heard about it and was furious that I was seeing Mr. Top Guy (who I had known for 25 years) and he was stuck with his dowdy, drunken peasant. Anyway, I digress. I had some air miles to use up so booked a solo holiday to Marrakech for a week. My kids were older so not a problem leaving them at home. One of the kids must have told ex because I got a stinking text message about how “AS THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS ONLY COMMON COURTESY TO LET ME KNOW YOU WERE GOING AWAY”! I was furious so I wrote back that “AS THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS ONLY COMMON COURTESY TO GIVE ME A THUMBS UP BEFORE HE STARTED FUCKING HIS PEASANT”! Told him to mind his own business and drop off the face of the earth why don’t you. So then he wants to know how I can afford to go to Morocco. Again, mind your own business but I don’t spend every evening buying rounds at the OK Corral Bar and how much does two packets of cigarettes per day cost anyway! I loved Marakesh and am dead impressed by your biking through the Atlas mountains.
Should add that I was 58 yrs old at the time, so that’s how insane I was, but I survived and was fine .
biking the hills of Morocco…that is badass mighty
The day after D-day I went out and found out what help I could get with rent and other benefits. I knew I couldn’t rely on STBX to do anything he said he would do. He had confessed to his large gambling debts at the same time as his affair. I knew I needed to protect myself and my son financially. He had already proved he was not thinking about us in the slightest so I needed to be pro active because no one else was going to do it. I haven’t been able to do any big DIY jobs yet but I have been growing a baby which I think is a good enough excuse.
Growing a new human is the ultimate DIY job, pregnant chump. Good luck with it all.
Hugs. Strength. Peace.
Yes it is!!!! You are MIGHTY MAMA-to-be!
While I can’t weld or bolt down toilets, like many here I found doing some of these things to feel pretty mighty:
– I filed.
– I included upholding the pre-nup (where he got nothing)… whereas before I filed I had offered him a cash settlement which he refused. SO – not only did I get everything I brought into the marriage… HE OWED ME FOR MARITAL DEBT! WIN.
– I sat through custody mediation like a professional poker player… at the end of it, Mr. Sparkles asked for 50/50. I slapped a manilla folder down on the table (contents were all of his online personal ad profiles, pictures, craigslists hookers, etc.)… and I said NOPE. We had already been separated for a year and had a steady visitation schedule in place and our son was thriving. He wimpered, but quickly caved in.
– He came to my house and threatened me with a libel suit (said he OW was going to file one) if I didn’t drop the adultery cause of action. I kept my cool and said, “I trust my lawyer’s counsel, thanks. It isn’t libel. You did it and I have proof.” There’s the door.
– For the first year after the discard, I picked me danced. Then… just like Forrest Gump when he was running… I just stopped. I took off my dance shoes and drew VERY CLEAR BOUNDARIES… which subsequently earned me the title of BITCH. Yeah, Mr. Sparkles… that is YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS BITCH to you, sir.
– And lastly… I did it… I know I should’ve let karma handle it… but I was damned if he was going to ride off into the sunset with a rich girl… suffice to say, I made sure she saw what was inside that envelope… all of it. Turns out, she was willing to be the OW… but she wasn’t willing to share. Funny that.
that is YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS BITCH to you, sir. OMG…that is the best!!!!!
Bitch=Being In Total Control of Herself! BOOOOM!
Mine narc calls me that when I am mighty and stand up to his bs.
Yah!! “YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS BITCH to you, sir.” !!!
I saw this on a coffee cup: You say “Bitch” like it’s a bad thing.
I was nearly paralyzed with fear about taking care of the house and grounds. In truth, this issue hits at the core of my lifelong hope of having a partner because I feared not being able to take care of myself and have a home without help. So for me, taking on this challenge was the most important aspect of my growth after DDay.
Here, I’ve got trees that fall, that drop leaves faster than a person can rake–and that clog the gutters 5 minutes after I clear them. I’ve got hills to mow. I’ve got the swamp on what I call “the lower 40.” I’ve got large hoofed critters who dine on my perennials. I’ve got woodpeckers that drill holes in the side of the house. And the truth is that I would never have stayed here had the Jackass not promised (eh) that he would be here to help manage it all. I could have sold the place and bought something more manageable. He didn’t make it to the first dropping leaf.
The first fall I was paralyzed by his gaslighting and just struggling to survive. I recall raking leaves at midnight in November, trying to get the yard cleaned up before the first snowfall. The following summer, I had a yard tractor that wouldn’t run and I mowed everything by hand, hours and hours of pushing a hand mower up and down hills through tall grass, as friends tried to fix equipment on the cheap and lots of people talked about helping me but didn’t. I was terrified by the expenses of fixing stuff, of buying equipment I could manage. I was afraid of the mysteries of maintaining heavy gas-powered stuff but up against the limits of electric when the yard is bigger than a bedspread.
The turning point came when I realized I needed to get real and take some capital out of my meager retirement and get a grip on the problems. I got the tractor fixed by a pro. I bought an ion- battery operated weed whacker and leaf blower. I paid a pro to paint the house. I made mistakes and picked myself up. I conquered the fear of mowing downhill. I learned how to solve the problem of getting the mower unstuck if I ventured into the swamp or on a rock I couldn’t see. I sat on the grass and cried a lot, then picked myself up and began again.
And I learned to ask for help. Jackass had terrified me by finding major, expenses flaws everywhere he looked. The shed was collapsing, the bathroom had to be gutted, on and on, according to Mr. Know-it-All. So I asked the head of maintenance at work to come out and evaluate the place. He assured me that all was fine and gave useful suggestions about what to prioritize. My biggest helper was the Very Kind Man, even before we started dating. He came over with professional leaf-blowing equipment and mad skills and helped me make a plan that I could execute. He kept the gutters clean because the roof is (metaphorically) a bridge too far. What I will never forget is how he made me do things for myself, with his support and encouragement. I get weepy just thinking about how that empowered me.
But what I learned was that males have no magic powers in terms of house and lawn care. What I needed was courage, a clear head, and equipment. I needed good advice, some of which I have to pay for because experts need to eat, too. I had to invest. Money in my meager retirement account won’t help me if this major asset goes downhill. So I invest in my home because once paid for it will provide low-cost shelter if I decide to retire at some point. And even when things go bad in spectacular ways (4 trees down in a storm) and I feel scared and alone, I will make it. I can do whatever I am called on to do.
LAJ, I didnt know you were taking care of such a big spot of earth while you dished out fabulous advice to CN…you are mighty !! I have one acre of grass/landscape and an acre of trees to deal with and I know about leaves falling faster than I could rake and broken tractors. Im terribly impressed with what you learned to do – ponds and mowing downhill…I bow to the Queen !
There are now times when I stand in the middle of all of it and look at MY lawn and MY fucking forest and like to remind myself that its mine. Neener neener. I am a nurse and live in a neighborhood with a lot of doctors and they dont know what the hell to make of me. winning
Oh, I know the “my fucking forest” feeling. My fucking deer! And squirrels! We are mighty warrior queens….
Yep, same here! My fucking house, car, yard and YES my fucking acorns! (Asswipe came by one day and raked them up.) Those are MY fucking acorns!
Courage, a clear head, and equipment. Most empowering words LAJ! I think I can do that. Thanks for inspiring me with that phrase!
So empowering to read this. Any tips for what to do about the woodpecker holes in the side of my house?
Thanks for the inspiring story!
Let’s see…I took down the ? wallpaper in my master bathroom and painted it lavender (the color I wanted), started my own vegetable garden, replaced the floor in another bathroom, my laundry room and repainted same laundry room.
I couldn’t get my ex to do jack around the house, always an excuse. Doing these jobs not only proved I am mighty, but it also was thumbing my nose to the ex. I was showing him ” You are not the boss of me!”
My cheater wouldn’t admit he was cheating and aside from just knowing in my heart what was going on, all I had was circumstantial evidence. For years he denied and I pick me danced and spackled until I couldn’t take it anymore. Finally, I hired a private investigator and had him followed. He was so easy to catch I got a refund! it was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. I felt worse than a cheater having him spied on but I had to do it or he would have blamed our entire divorce on my “not being happy enough, social enough, etc”. Then I had two emails all ready to send to him. One with the photos and video attached and the second one instructing him to pack up and get the hell out. We faked it on the weekends for a couple weeks until we had a chance to tell the kids, but he’s basically been out ever since. He’s a lying coward!
Being a coward is characteristic of cheaters! Mine was a cowardly sissy-man too.
I’m a tomboy and do pretty much anything and everything but never mowed a lawn as I am asthmatic. Worked out the lawn mower and off I went.
I learned to rollerskate with the local roller derby team, well, not fluently, but a bit; I was 57 and was worried about breaking something and having to cope with it on my own, but it was something new. I didn’t keep it up but it felt good to do something out of my comfort zone. I did a couple of women’s self-defence sessions and some long walks including up a mountain. that adrenaline rush then tackled operatioin divorce. It’s not lasted but I got the garden into shape and grew some veggies I’ve visited my parents several hours away regularly, which is something I couldn’t do before, and I’ve visited friends and gone to art galleries without someone whining that I was going on my own. I took motorway driving lessons and without someone sitting beside me moaning how bad a driver I was discovered that actually, I could drive reasonably well. Later with depression, things haven’t been as good, but when they were at worst they were better than the best when he was there
I purged like an insane person. The most fun was the attic. Cheaterturds thing was having me buy him toys, he got a gorgeous truck, $50k brand new, this thing was gorgeous. Was he happy : nope. He then proceeded to change everything in it, different tires, rims, seats, headlights, tail lights etc. and every time he swapped something out he would shove the perfectly fine things in the attic. He also did the same thing with the half dozen motorcycles I bought him. The attic became a graveyard of this crap that he wouldn’t get rid of. In one of my productive rages I decided I was gonna clean it out. Problem was it was all so HEAVY. So I stood at the top of the attic stairs and literally pushed this shit out, it went to the floor and in most cases exploded from the drop. Could I probably have sold the crap, yea but it felt way better to watch it implode on impact. My attic (and all the closets in my house) are now empty and I LOVE IT!!! Gives me great pleasure and I feel light and airy every time I look at them!
I sold Pervy Pants’ expensive power tools at a yard sale- for pennies on the dollar! I accidentally gave all his clothing to Goodwill- whoops!
I didn’t kill myself.
((( HUGS ))) we are glad you are here.
My daughter made one attempt and planned another…. every day is a step upward.
Thanks for that chumpity chumpchump! I was just reading all these stories of the great things chumps have done feeling like wow, I really suck because I am not doing all that. Maybe there will be days like that but today it is just a struggle not to go back to bed and cry. Today is what should be our 27th anniversary. It doesn’t bother me consciously but maybe underneath. What bothers me is my son had dinner with him last night and I got a report. I am in the heat of divorce so some of the information is useful to me. I hope I can avoid this talk once the divorce is final but it is looking like that will be awhile.
Son said stbx told him he is the happiest he has ever been which is a crazy thing to say. Four of five kids either don’t have any contact with him or rarely. He tell the son who sees him about once a week the only job he has for him this summer is 4 hours away and when son tells him of a lead on a local job, he says you will only make minimum wage rather than encourage. His dad is dying of ALS. This is the happiest he has ever been?
When son first arrives home, he says I think I have dad figured out. Dad told him that he is debt free and he doesn’t owe anybody anything so he asked him what are you going to do, disappear? He says : I might. Just give the business to mom and go off and fish. Now isn’t that mature? Doesn’t owe anybody anything. It is all about money, who cares about the needs of his children, who cares about other people’s feelings. It is all about him and I am sure schmoopie will always enjoy making it all about him.
I’ m preoccupied with whether I should go to God child’s wedding in July. Her mother is stbx’s mothers sister and she is in agreement that what he did is wrong but she wants a Swiss wedding where she welcome’s all but I just don’t feel up to facing mil who is completely supportive of stbx. It won’t be known until the last whether or not they will come because of the ALS but I have to respond by next week. I am leaning towards no today but still considering.
Apologies if I have added gloom to your tales of mightynes I will be there someday and I no chumps are very forgiving. For me, today’s mighty ness will rest in trying to stay present for my children and get a few more documents together for the courts.-
Errors galore but it should read know chumps not no!
Feelingit, June 9th would have been my 27th wedding anniversary too. My coward “ran” a month before our 25th. In cliche fashion he was boinking his married, 15 years younger, employee. I remember the early days when I thought a gun in my mouth might be my only solace. Fortunately, 3 kids and 2 aging parents are the focus that kept me alive.
Trust everyone when they tell you you are mighty. You will continue to be the sane and present parent to your children, you will continue to find strength you never would have believed you have.
Some days, my mighty was being showered and dressed when my daughter returned home from school. I have since painted bedrooms, assembled the dreaded IKEA furniture alone, and updated the main bathroom, including the tub and shower fixtures. After a season of an uncontrolled half acre yard, I kept everything neat this year. I recently entered the workforce after 23 years at home managing the household and raising children. My youngest was recently accepted to college at her dream school, which happens to be a top public university in our state (and nation). I take credit for this, because her father lives nearly an hour away with the whore and her two young kids, while my daughter has spent her last two years of high school 100% with me. I’ve been overseeing the care of aging parents, one on hospice with late stage Alzheimer’s, and continue to try to provide guidance to another child with a severe mental health diagnosis. I’m still standing.
As there is a company that is a major marital asset, my divorce is high conflict and still ongoing. The slunt is the bookkeeper for the company, so the cheating duo are working hard to cook the books, while my forensic accountant racks up hours untangling everything. Again, I’m still standing. And I know however the divorce settlement goes down, I will still be better off than him. I have an inner peace about who I am, the respect of some wonderful friends, and children that know I will always be there for them. He has none of that.
Calgal Amazing to hear the similarities-it is comforting even though it is unfortunate.
I am in the process of doing something productive with anger and feeling somewhat strong today- a big part from things I read on these threads- stbx’s grandmother passed away yesterday- she was 94 and in a nursing home. I think she was a narc and passed it to her daughter who passed it to my stbx.
One of her other daughters is very supportive of me but wants to be Switzerland. My first inclination was that I would have to suck it up and go to the funeral 3 1/2 hours away. But after comments here and putting myself first, I have decided that is not my job anymore and I don’t have to accept being treated so badly by mil or Stbx.
Someone’s comment yesterday about being 100 percent no contact really inspired me. My kids don’t want to go either and probably won’t. ( only one is even considering it) Cheater didn’t even contact them for 24 hours and even then it was just a text filled with orders for them to contact their grandmother and express their sympathy. WTH, whose protocol is that? He doesn’t care how they feel.
I will probably be made to look bad but I know the truth and will stay strong with chump support!
Hi Feelingit, we all have/had those dark days. Keeping it together and getting out of bed today was your mightiness! It does get better, I promise. (((((Hugs)))))
I agree with the others. Closed curtains and not wanting to get out of bed were my staple activity after I got the kids to school. I am 18 months from discovering all the lies and starting something positive didn’t come until I was ready.
I’m still alive and the liar can’t take that away from me.
Garden Mama- after d-day….I was in a state of Zombie-Funk. I was carrying on…..but I was completely “out of it.” I don’t remember much about this past November till late April.
I was operating on raw will power to get my house cleaned up, repaired, packed and sold. I did it too! I don’t remember doing a lot of it. But…..the day I sold it….I started coming out of the Zombie-Funk.
I painted the “dick pic bathroom” (the master bath where he took pictures of his dick for internet hook up sites)- with a rage! I painted: Fucking disgusting pervert- across the walls with the new paint!
Gloom? Not one bit of it. You’re going to be fantastic on that Tuesday. Go to the Swiss wedding or don’t. . Do what is best for you. Worry about no one else. If you do decide to go, make sure you rock it. Hold your head high and show everyone what an amazing soul you are.
My friends, it took me five years to finally feel OK again. If you wake up in the morning and you provide for those that depend on you as best as you can and do not harm yourself, you are mighty. While we all have the same heartache in common, we are all individuals in how we respond to it and how long it takes us. Read the mightiness that had been posted as your future and be proud that you are still with us today. *hugs*
I feel the same. Thank you for saying just that because it is a struggle every day. Even the days I feel good and okayish something will come along and broadside me and I’m back in bed sobbing for hours on end. I know eventually I’ll feel not like that but right now it doesn’t feel that way.
That is the most powerful statement I have read. I flirted with that as well, and it still will creep up. My problem is a lack of motivation and energy.
As in, lead in the bones. Too tired to get and make things happen. It is one year out. I hope some zest comes my way. Perhaps it is chemical….low dopamine. I exercise and fall back into bed.
I would add to not killing myself- I did not kill him.
And I did not kill her.
Please Read up on adrenal burnout. If this is the case exercise or anything strenuous will make you feel worse. Read up on adaptagenic herbs, they truly are amazing. Ashwagandha is brilliant for burnout and also builds muscle and is good for hormone regulation and depression. Available cheaply on eBay. It has saved me from the brink of emotional and physical collapse. I had adrenal burnout after having shingles, stress induced from living with wing nut.
Natural, non addictive and with mainly no side effects.
I didn’t kill HIM.
Chumpitty – I hope you are feeling ok today. I appreciate you posting your comment as a good reminder that there are newer chumps whose every breath pretty much hurts. And then there are the older ones – I am 3 years out. I am feeling so much better!! A nice man I have met before asked me out at the driving range today. My jaw dropped. Was not expecting that! I am almost healed and I am getting a life. But I remember well what it felt like walking around like a zombie for 2 years. The pain was a constant companion. I truly believed I would never feel better.
So you wonderful, hurting, early-days chumps? I’m sending you my warmest thoughts. You are not alone. It WILL get better. It will.
Chumpity….Hugs to you dear fellow Chump. With one foot in front of the other- march on dear lady! Please reach out to a trusted friend/family member/clergy/counselor if you are feeling like you can’t go on.
I felt that way too – for months after d-day. If you have kids…..please, please, please hang in there! You count…..you matter to this world! Now pick up your boobs and march on dear lady!
I went to NEW YORK CITY, from Australia (never been out of the country before) for a week while EX declared his undying love in marriage to another trusting love bombed female, while the congregation tried to reconcile in their heads the bullshit they were hearing and the incongruence they were seeing. My EX, looked like he was channelling Peter Allan in tan pants and an open neck shirt with a big ugly brass cross around his neck, while his new wife declared him to be the spiritual head of their newly formed family (her and her kids and mine every second weekend) while she would be his helper (aka door mate, willing facade, CHUMP!) I am also currently 6 months out from completing my degree.
No! Wait! That dumbass that just declared Cheater to be the head of their family? She has made a terrible mistake!!! OMG
We’ll be seeing her here soon —
Oh man – a year after D day I was still a wreck. The D day coincided with a move out of state, which added whole levels of dram and trauma to my side of things, but I ended up making an acquaintance with a guy a bit younger than I. I didn’t see myself as dateable or attractive, but I made a point to be out and about with my son, and I did my best to appear normal so I could make new friends and start over as best as I could.
So this new aquaintance started to become a genuine friend. I was volunteering at church often and he was an employee – I got to see him be himself with others and I genuinely admired him, but I still felt like walking roadkill so I wasn’t thinking about dating. I honestly thought he was just being nice to a hurting person at church.
One day, I realized that my new friend was flirting with me – very mellow like, but he was definitely twinkling in my direction. Part of me was thrilled but an equal if not greater part of me was not ready in any way at all for any kind of love interest. It was too soon. I was still a mess. I didn’t want to make a fool of myself, or rebound, or be victim to the first guy who comes around- but mostly I wasn’t ready. I was still not sleeping and I had horrible bouts of the “divorce coma” where I couldn’t function. The conundrum of it made me feel more awful than I already had been feeling.
Then I overheard someone asking him if they could hook him up with a friend of theirs and I realized that if I let this guy pass on, I would deeply regret it. He was a wonderful man regardless of what my X had done to me. I told myself I had a choice between too problems, both of which would require some effort from me – 1) passing up on a wonderful man and watching him move on to someone else or 2) having a wonderful man “too soon.” I decided that I wasn’t going to let the waves of my X dominate my life so I decided right there in the church parking lot “oh screw it. I’m going for it.”
And we dated, and after the dates I handled my panic attacks about it quietly and deliberately. I kept my new friend in one compartment and my processing about my X in another. It may sound crazy but it worked for me. I learned that my friend had his own traumas in life and we had a lot to offer each other. I learned that having a best friend is amazing. I had been “on ice” for years while my x had been having his affairs and living his other life while extracting value from me as the money maker and mother. While I was still putting the past in the past, I gave myself permission to enjoy someone and be enjoyed. My personality would have been to grieve indefinitely – even just die in a heap. I wasn’t prepared in any way for what happened to my marriage. Moving on with my new friend was my mightiest effort.
We got married and i was pregnant by the end of the first year, with me at 42 years old. My x had nixed the idea of a second child about the same time as when he decided to be unfaithful. I didn’t agree with him but he had told me I didn’t have a choice. On D day I had two blows “you’re leaving me???” And “I only have one child because of you!!!” Oh what a nightmare that was. I cry just writing it down. To be happily married to someone who likes me and laughs with me, who actually loves me and I can feel it – to have another child, for my older son to have a brother – all of this that is normal for other people is like a storybook ending for me. This fall will be 6 years from my D day and now I can say it was the best thing that ever happened to me, given who I was actually married to. I definitely feel mighty when I look at my life now. Thank you for letting me share this.
What a great happy-ending story, Joy!
What a great story!! Praise be to God!
So happy for you Joy! Thank you for sharing your awesome story!
I moved out of 1,000.00 a month apartment and went house hunting. I found a good deal and undervalued home. It was dated on the inside but the outside was pretty.
I redid the bathroom and had house repainted from dull browns, red and dark greens. I went all out and painted my home inside with Benjamin Moore whites.
I had the tacky dated countertops redone into granitetop and I added wood floors to replace carpet and vinyl.
Now this place is beautiful and I have a beautiful view into my backyard. People come into my house and they are blown away. The best part is because I got it underpriced I will also make a nice profit when I sell. It’s as beautiful as an expensive home I couldn’t afford.
The big bonus is this column today. Yesterday I decided that I’m going to get therapy for my anger. For three years now I thought it was depression. Next weekend would have been my 29th Anniversary. Now it’s been three years as divorce date on Anniversary. What a jerk!
Trust they suck!
Good going Beetle! I love it!
I just bought a tiny condo. I got a great price on it because the inside is outdated. I am licking my chops at the thought of remodeling it! I will use all of my artsy-fartsy talents/powers to create as much space as possible. And…it’s going to be done in “Coastal” colors/theme. I am looking for some plastic or metal flamingos to put out on my deck!
The best thing about it…….it’s all mine! No lying, cheating pervert may ever set foot in it!
Great post! I need this reminder. I have come so far. I used to joke that I was always the “man and the woman” in the marriage because I did all the cooking (and I LOVE cooking savory, gourmet food), cleaning, decorating, and 95% of the childcare for our three kids (driving, organizing, need-meeting, shopping, etc.) . He mowed and took care of the yard. That was about it. Yet, I still did most of the fix-it projects, or called a handyman or professional if needed. Well, the funds aren’t as abundant as they were with Dr. Sparkly Hooker Hound….so…the fix-it projects and outdoor work is all on me. I have:
*Built a gas firepit (lots of cussing and rage anger with that one because I really needed another set of hands)
*Put together a new patio set (table and chairs)
*bought a brand new house by myself, just my name on the mortgage, and moved to a different town (neighboring old town…I had to get away from the marital home, the snobby neighborhood and see new people, new scenery). (Now I a kick-ass view of the mountains in my backyard, along with some cows since my new house sits at the edge of a development next to a ranch.) I made about 50 trips back and forth over the course of a week to do most of it myself, hired movers for the really big stuff. I am not good at asking for help….still working on that.
*stained the 4 year old’s playset by myself
*planted an entire garden (huge) at the new house by myself, tapped into the irrigation and it WORKS!
*did all of my own landscaping (and it looks just as good as neighbors who had it done professionally). Even planted a peach tree and a few other fruit trees, despite loser telling me I did it “wrong” they are growing and looking good already!
*built a jewelry armoire from the box of 1000 pieces, as well as two cabinets and a massive dollhouse for my daughter from “Santa” (see above how this went -just like the gas fireplace experience – but I DID IT after much frustration. The rage at him and what he did pushed me through).
*Taught myself how to use the gas lawnmower and the string edger – getting better at it but I am doing it! Also researched how to seed and fertilize and my grass is looking good after a few attempts!
*Changed lightbulbs on a 12 foot ceiling with a scary high ladder (I am only 5 feet 2 inches, and I was furious but mighty about the fact that my loser 6 foot 2 cheating husband wasn’t there to do these things)
*Work full time as a busy hospice nurse manager, care for 3 kids almost entirely by myself, get them to all of their activities, school, feed them, am there for them emotionally, take them and myself to counseling appointments
*lawyered up and told the TRUTH to all who needed to know
*finished my master’s degree in the late hours of the evening/early morning when everyone was asleep – sacrificed my sleep for this while getting texts from Dr. Sparkly hooker hound how he “can’t sleep” because he misses us so much and I am making all the wrong choices by not letting him be with us.”
*Interviewed and went through the rigorous 2 month “process” and just accepted a new position at a respected university: Tenured Assistant Professor of Nursing! Woo-hoo! I am doing things my way, despite many bumps and some fear, charging ahead on my own!!
I love reading these stories of mightiness and success!
I cut 7 inches off my hair. (A big deal for me.)
Flipped a house. My angst emerged on several plumbing, electrical, and other DIY projects with that.
I cut my hair off too, when I filed for divorce. Kept my hair short until all the pain and grief were trimmed away. Growing it out again just because I want to.
I got a shot of Botox….a new hair do….and some new pretty dresses! And….some new make up too boot! Thanks to the cheating/lying/pervert/porn degenerate- I lost 25 lbs too! It’s as if Pervy Pants accidentally gave me a makeover!
( a girl who lives up to her name)
I ❤️ All your posts today!
You make my heart sing!
First thing I did was hunt down all her items she left behind and put it in the dumpster. She said, “No! Don’t throw away my stuff.” I told her it’s in my house so it’s my stuff and it’s going in the trash. You can dumpster dive for it if you want. Then I repainted my entire house. I was cleaning house to get rid of all remnants of her.
Michael, GOOD ON YOU!!!
Chumpity….Hugs to you dear fellow Chump. With one foot in front of the other- march on dear lady! Please reach out to a trusted friend/family member/clergy/counselor if you are feeling like you can’t go on.
I felt that way too – for months after d-day. If you have kids…..please, please, please hang in there! You count…..you matter to this world! Now pick up your boobs and march on dear lady!
His stuff accidentally wound up at Goodwill. Whoops!
He called the police on me for trying to get into our master bedroom and trying to duck under his arm to do so… he told them I hit him. I didn’t even touch him. My lawyer advised me to not fight him on custody of the master bedroom and just move into the small, pokey little second bedroom. The police watched as I lugged my huge nightstand and other belongings into the little bedroom all by my lonesome. However, they did make contact later that day, having determined that HE was the abuser, not me, and did I want a restraining order? I didn’t have the order upheld, because I’m not an evil bastard like him, and nobody hurt anybody, so I didn’t feel it was right. In hindsight, should’ve had him kicked out of the house.
I packed up all my belongings in 2 suitcases to move home from Australia to the states. I was crying so hard, I couldn’t even catch a breath. While I was doing that, he stepped over me, shook his head, and said “Get a life”. He subsequently kept asking me if I wanted the rest of my stuff. I left almost all of 20 years of stuff behind in that country. I wanted to start fresh. He either didn’t understand that, or didn’t want to have to be stuck cleaning up the mess. Hah.
While going through the divorce AND living under the same roof in the pokey room, I rekindled a love of waterskiing with some friends. I felt mighty and happy and like myself again on the river, doing something I hadn’t done in 20 years.
We ran a mobile business together, and he had chained me to doing ALL the work while he went out and got his knob shined, so of course, when the shit went down, he threatened to hold me responsible for the businesse’s demise, should I quit working for even a second. While he couldn’t hold me to that legally, it could have held things up in court for years. So instead, a friend got me a 4 month Project Management contract that paid $25k/month. I worked that during the day and the business during the night for 4 months, and was then in a financial position to take on the divorce without working for the rest of the year. Despite threats that the “business wasn’t doing well” (he had manufactured it to look like it made no money, but we both lived quite well off the salary for the previous 10 years, so the business was fine), and I can’t draw a salary, I continued to draw a salary for the entire time I was working the other job, and going through the divorce. He couldn’t stop me, because I couldn’t work without access to the accounts… which he couldn’t take away from me anyway. Towards the end, I bought myself a new computer, phone, and tablet on company money. Screw him! Oh, and I ran the other contract through a different company of my friend’s, so even though he knew I was working, he couldn’t get claim on that money.
I bumped into an old friend who happened to do “penetration testing” for some big names like Amazon and Google (that’s trying to find security holes in their websites). He put me in touch with a little piece of backup software, which I used to backup my ex’s computer (a company computer, so given the circumstances, I was legally allowed to backup and view the contents), and restore that information to another place, and view the entire contents. I found out about ALL his affairs and goings-on that way. Really too bad I lived in a no-fault state, but at least it proved to me the ass that he was.
I moved back to the US prior to financial settlement, because I didn’t want to wait that long. I happened upon a negotiation seminar conducted by the body that certifies project managers, which I belonged to. Out of this seminar, I learned better negotiation tactics, and managed to negotiate my way to about 42% of the total asset pool (I could prove), and got the hell out.
After the financial settlement, I got a job in the US in 2 months of searching, bought myself a cute little house, and moved in to it with my new fiance. Unlike marshamallow body ex, my new fiance is a doer. When we want to get a new bed, we take our truck, pickup the bed, load it on, drive it home and set it up. My ex’s way of doing such things was to pay someone because boo hoo, too hard!
The house needs a little work. About a month ago, we took out a wall and put in a new beam to support that space with the help of my fiance’s buddies who are contractors. We also put in new windows downstairs, and will put in new ones upstairs in a few weeks. Then new hardwood floors. I enjoy learning and doing all this handiwork!
Most recently, I bought a brand new electric mower, and took the job of mowing the lawns away from my fiance (who is anything but lazy, and maybe a little upset I took that job away from him). But I love mowing lawns! Something I never had the chance to discover with asshole ex.
Be Mighty, Chump Nation! Be mighty!
Wow, there is a ton of mightiness and smarts in this. Good for you! Especially hiding your second income while divorcing and getting a fiancé who is a doer!
My cheater left me and our 7 children for his stripper (they never slept together–she was a good listener) and put all of our money into corporate Cayman Island accounts that I couldn’t touch. (I wasn’t allowed to participate in “business” because I was a woman….) With all of his sleazy money manipulations I was left penniless (with my children). So I borrowed what I could from family, friends and even the local moving company, packed up my family and moved 4141 miles away. (Alaska to Texas). I went to nursing school on student loans and a lot of tender mercies from above and graduated in 3 1/2 years. The end result= a pretty awesome ICU RN with AMAZING children who are successful, productive moral adults. And the ex probably still has his money….but turned his back and lost out on the priceless riches that truly matter. My children and I endured so much together and came through it all. We are a family.
Wow you are an inspiration. True grit.
7 kids, no money, moving and STARTING nursing school…you have superhero mighty skills and I applaud you. Ive worked NICU & PedsICU and it is hard (but meaningful) work. What an example you set for your kids !!
What kind of disgusting dirt bag would leave 7 children? There is a special place in hell for that monster.
After being chumped for the second time, in my anger energy burst post d-day, I moved all my household possessions in my Nissan Micra in three round trips (600 miles driving and 3 hours on a car ferry). Now this included some furniture and all my accumulated possessions six years post first chumping. I discovered afterward why my back ached so much…I had a spondylolisthesis so severe that my surgeon put me on the list for spinal fusion about a month later. Glad to say, surgery complete and I am pain free.
I also,painted the entire 300′ of 6′ green garden fence around the property carefully by hand, so I could put the house on the market.
Amazing, the power of anger put to a positive cause!
After being abandoned (and attempted starved out) of the huge family home, I spent organized over 600 man hours of cleaning/setting up and marketing and moving out. XH and agent just wanted to dump listing in a fire sale – I refused and I sold it myself – for asking price – $30,000 more if you don’t add the commission I didn’t have to pay.
Instead of being “ruined” as XH threatened, I took my savings and bought a 1926 Cape Cottage in a lovely town closer to work.
With the help of one tradesman and two family, I gutted the kitchen, two new porches, added a bathroom, (hired new plumbing), renovated stairs with 90 year old oak, new false stone on front, re leveled basement floor, tore out tub, new storm door- reclaimed knotty pine porch, re tiled bath – rescued an over grown tree, moved fence/new gate, new plaster work and paint.
Most things from the Habitat Store or Craigslist or Architectural Salvage Yard. I became the original “high end” junk yard dog.
But my crowning achievement –
Learning and rewiring the entire house myself last summer. No in house trades help. – NOT recommended but I’d do it again — only if I had to! Took about 40 hours of education, countless hours at big box mart and 8 weeks of cutting holes, plaster and repaint. The electrician who inspected the box could not believe that “I” actually did the wiring that neatly. All code, all the time.
My reward? There are many but two biggies….
House appraised $120,000 more than what I paid for it – with about $35,000 investment. Plus hours and hours of time…..
That equals about the equity that I had lost in the old house. His AND mine…. eeeeh- hehehehehehehehehehe.
Another? My 20 year old daughter was helping rewire the dormer – branch wire multi circuit – and she suspiciously looked at a switch/light combo past the new bathroom — tapping her foot, eyeing the dormer….
“Hey, you should have split that string before the middle switch, not after, or this side light will only work when the switch is turned on… let me fix that, now..”
A Magneto could NOT have been any prouder… Seriously…
Wow, can you imagine what amazing skills, determination, and life lessons your daughter is learning from all of your achievements? Mighty!
Reading about all these renos has inspired me to get cracking. I hung a few shelves and ex commented how good they looked when he picked the kids up. Going to get it looking real good so he can suck on that.
He would piss and moan and saw diy as beneath him, he would rather be on his phone or at the beach. He was happy that I cleaned gutters while he sat on his ass.
Your house sounds wonderful. So important to live in nice surrounds, good for the soul.
Well maybe these inspiring stories will give me the motivation I need build that shelving in the root cellar as I have been meaning to do. Then I can move everything out of the finished basement space and actually have a finished space to enjoy without all of the boxes everywhere. I might want to wait until the marriage agreement is complete, however, so I can be sure that I actually get to keep the house. :-/
In the meantime I have managed to open my own bank account, directed my paycheck to it, and have worked out a very detailed budget. I am determined to stick to it to prove that I can live within my means when I don’t have to share funds with somebody who needs fun money for Schmoopie and/or other selfish/frivolous spending. :(
Oh I remember this! My first summer without SpongeHusband CheaterPants, I fixed the garage door handle, reordered and replaced the broken driver side window on my car, fixed 5 sprinkler heads, replaced an old spark plug on the lawn mower AND learned how to start the damn thing, but my crowning achievement was fixing my dryer. I did some research and figured out the thermal fuse was blown out. I actually found the part online for 12 bucks and replaced it myself. Huge lady boner moment!
Love that feeling of fixing shit for nothing when replacing it or getting a tradie in would cost a fortune.
I had been wanting to buy a new leaf blower but didn’t have a spare 200$ for a new one, then stumbled across a really powerful commercial one at a garage sale for 15$, lady boner.
a $200 tool for $15…ladyboner for sure. I had a hot latin guy installing my oven and all I could think was “what do you think that Makita drill cost?”
Ha ha ha – That’s hilarious!
Took my sons on a sailing holiday in Greece. Yes I was reliant on my older son’s sailing skills, but stuff you so called sailing husband who has poured so much family money into wrecks of boats that never leave land. I actually go sailing with our kids.
In my early 40s, while I thought I would be watching my children learn to walk or ride a tricycle, I am instead, childless, learning small engine repair. I have learned how to clean and replace carburetors, change the oil and air filters on the lawn mower, and diagnose a string trimmer as unrepairable. I’ve repaired my garbage disposal, installed a new bathroom sink, and updated the bathroom. I tore apart the front loader washing machine and removed the stinky rubber gasket. Got it all back together again and working.
And all the while, my STBX husband is off on the Penis Tour of the American West, most likely dressed in the corsets and pairs of pink-bowed panties he owns. Got his bank statements to prove it…he’s got a someone in multiple cities.
I pick my life! (Thanks, YouTube!)
I took up cycling. A friend had started a female-only cycling group in 2012 which I joined riding my heavy, clunky hybrid. The first night out we rode 9 miles and I walked 8.5 of them! I was doing a little better by season’s end and asked then hubby for a road bike. I picked her out (yes, my bike is female, named Serenity) in January 2013. In June of that year I filed for divorce after 26 years of marriage. Little did I envision the hell that would ensue. To keep sane, I rode my bike … and I can honestly say it saved my life. Four years later I’m still riding strong. I’ve met many wonderful people through cycling, I do at least one Century ride each year (100 miles in a day) and have logged more than 8,500 miles on Serenity. This September, for the second year in a row, I’ll be participating in a 3-day, 160-mile trek from Plymouth to Provincetown, MA. Besides the divorce, my bike was the best gift the ex ever gave me. And he’ll never know that it saved me.
Mighty on, Chump Nation!
JamLady, so happy to find another bike-riding Chump! I love my bike, and I try to ride every day!
And though I have been a happy resident of the Land of Meh for some years, it was the bike that kept me sane through D-days 1 and 2 and the subsequent meltdowns. Post D-day 1 I bought winter gear, drove to the ocean, and rode along the beach in freezing winds.
The days of riding with tears freezing on my face are over!
I moved to a beach town. I bought a tiny condo…….with no perverts…..no liars…..no cheaters in it! I walk 2 miles on a beach everyday. It’s the best therapy in world!
Everyone on here is so freaking MIGHTY! Love it!
Luckily, I finished my master’s a few months prior to DDay, so that was out of the way. After I regained my footing post DDay, and after finally kicking him out and filing, I took up distance running. Cried out on farm roads for more miles than I could ever count. Completed two half-marathons and countless 5 and 10Ks. I kept my home, so chose to hand-sand and refinish my kitchen cabinets. Remodeled a spare bedroom, and finally had enough of my own funds to get multiple major home purchases that I had done without for years because instead I was funding douchebag’s failed “rental property” business. At work I’ve earned multiple professional awards and continue earning certifications and credentials to move myself forward.
I had been a teen mother, and I’ve worked in technical education for almost 20 years now. Starting this year I’ve made presentations to teen parents and unwed mothers about the power of a technical education to jumpstart their careers and become financially independent. Education is the one key to being able to drop these cheating asswipes ASAP, and college may not be attainable just yet, so I’m helping them learn about real possibilities.
I volunteer with my high school senior’s marching band non-stop, volunteer in my church, and take care of my family and friends in all the ways that I can. I have a beautiful relationship with my little grandson and will coach his pee-wee soccer team this fall, just as I had for my two kids as they grew up. Douchbag doesn’t know this precious little guy. What a blessing.
Things seem to keep getting better every day that I’m away from that asshole. 23 years of my love and loyalty wasted, but my kids have zero contact with him, give full loyalty to me, and I recognize now that we actually are FINALLY an intact family.
Way to go to all you mighty Chumps & much love & respect to CL!
Funny, my story is the opposite of many of the ones above. I’m a tech guy, building a bed from Ikea is fun for me because I read over the directions and then figure out how to do it better than they suggest. So all of the maintenance stuff comes easily to me.
My big worry was food. Never was a cook (never mind a good cook). When my first wife told me she wanted a divorce, one of the first things I did was go online and pick out some nice pots and pans (All Clad copper core factory seconds), and knives (MAC mighty granton santoku, still love that knife). When I had my own apartment, I learned to make a proper omelette, bought a red plastic mixing spoon (because I hated how tomato sauce would stain wooden spoons), and generally learned how to feed myself.
My new wife is a great cook, but I’m still glad I can slice and prep, and manhandle the grill – cooking is something we do together and enjoy. It would have been really easy to eat at restaurants six nights a week when I was first on my own, but I’m glad I didn’t.
Hugs. Strength. Peace.
Nice — and I love the phrase: my new wife, and the part about cooking together — good story!!
After the revenge scenarios calmed in my head, I started a garden at my kids’ school. Formed a committee and got everything donated by the community. All my energy needed to benefit someone else, why not the kids at the school. Now every time my lying cheating ex picks up the kids, there’s a reminder that my love no longer goes to him but the deserving kids at our school. It also makes my blaming MIL cringe that she blamed me for her son’s actions and I walked away literally smelling like roses!
I see the X regularly (stupidly bred with him) and we are pleasant and cordial. He still thinks he knows me inside and out. Not only does he not know that I practice yoga now, but I recently got my yoga teaching certification!! If he knew he would be shocked. He would think I’m not capable. I’m starting to teach classes, make some money, getting stronger and leaner. I see his pooch getting bigger- which I know for a fact younger Schmoopie doesn’t care for. Ha!
I’m a yoga covert also. Love it and ex keeps looking at my ass. I’m in yoga gear a lot and know he has a thing about it. Oh well 10 kgs lighter, can plank like a mofo and am getting abs. Mentally it has helped me set boundaries, which he said ‘happened quickly’ yep the walls up buddy back off.
He looks washed out guess he might be missing my cooking also.
I herded Llamas and Alpacas! Enuf said!
Hey, aren’t they notoriously stubborn?
My rage was first spent throwing all his clothes on the lawn, then punching him when he came over to get them. So satisfying! In the next few weeks, I completely redid my basement – which had been his “man cave” and turned it into a place of creativity and calm for my daughter and I. And I know this is really simple and small, but he had two signs that he’d screwed into his garage and I climbed up on a ladder, took an electric screwdriver, and took them off.
I’ve also done SO many things since D-Day – including divorcing him! I’ve gone out with friends, went to a concert, started living my life again. I’ve got good things lined up for this summer and a big project. And I don’t NEED a man to be in my life right now. The ex (a covert narcissist) can’t be alone and after an up and down relationship with the AP whore, is shacking up with his whore (she is 13 yrs younger than him, has 3 kids under the age of 10; he is 45 and always told me we weren’t going to babysit any future grandkids – that’s how much he ‘loves’ kids! His whore is actually closer in age to our oldest who is 24 than to the ex!). Oh, did I mention he doesn’t have a job?
I’m very, very proud to be by myself and I let him know all the time that I’m just fine and do not need or want a man in my life. My future is ten times brighter than his. I have an AMAZING support system, amazing friends and family, and he has NO ONE.
When I confronted them and got the response “we aren’t doing anything wrong, we’re just friends” I registered for university. I remember suggesting furthering my education once (it had been put off due to marriage and kids) and he said no. Once I got the acceptance letter I knew I would be ok.
We split up and started mediation and divorce negotiation. I was now a student with no income. I received 6 years of alimony, full child support on his income, only 1/4 of the marital debt and a new life! I got my bachelor of social work and am happy and doing well on my own.
In case you’re wondering….they did couple up right away (what a coincidence! Friends falling in love after their spouses wrongfully accuse them of cheating! ***sarcasm font would be great here). They seem quite miserable and I have reached “meh”
Hi, Chump Mates! I’m blown away by all your mightiness! I also wanted to say if you a re a new Chump and the mightiest thing you did today was wake up, go to work, bathe the baby or not drive into a guardrail, you are plenty mighty too.
I remember those days. I didn’t sleep for exactly the seventeen days it took Slabbo to find his Summer Love Flat and GTFO my house. I would lie on the marital bed while he parked on the leather sofa I bought texting the Sluterus. While I experienced actual Disassociative Episodes. The bed felt like an unmoored raft on a sea of nausea and vomit. But there was nothing to vomit. I lost about 22 pounds in those 17 days. I was a newly diagnosed diabetic – my blood sugar spiked over 400. I would go to the YMCA and walk the track or the pool till the physical pain and exhaustion shouted down the emotional pain. I remember water jogging miles for hours chanting to myself “You are good. You tried your best. You gave nothing but love.”
After he left, I could sleep, but it was fully a year before my first thought on waking wasn’t “This nightmare is really happening.”
Wherever you are in the process is where you need to be. Your discomfort will propel you forward and whether it involves earning to pay someone to do things (Gutters, This Hobbit does not do roofs!) or doing things you never thought you would, this experience will strengthen you. You’ll come to pity people that have been untested by life.
People Misunderstand. I would have been glad to live the life I thought I had, to never get my hands dirty. But I never had what I thought I had. Something about that made the grief easier,
Luz I love this comment.
In the past 18 months, I went back to school. I’ll be graduating soon with my Medical Assisting certificate. My son and I refinished my 20 year old iron patio set. He taught me how to sand and spray paint. It looks brand new! I researched and purchased parts for my 25 year old car myself…something ex never actually did although he had promised to take care of. My car now has working a.c. which is vital living in Arizona. And the vents are all replaced and the broken door rest as well all the back window that use to fall out. I have learned how to trouble shoot everything from broken doorbell, changing furnace filters, pest and weed control, having a tarantula and huge snake on my property. Two weeks ago my daughter ordered and replaced the broken door handle on her car. Then she broke her drivers side mirror while pulling out of the garage. I ordered one and replaced it myself! I suprise myself with how much I actually can do with a little help from utube. I am taking care of things that I had to beg and plead ex to do. I only wish I would have known sooner how easy these things were and how mighty I actually am. I realize now that because I always took care of everything except the cars and actual fixing things “mans job” he’d say…I really don’t need him for anything. It is so much easier and quicker to do it myself than beg for help. I love that I am no longer afraid to try new things.
When I got the ILYBINILWY speech, I felt sorry for his poor, lost soul. I neatly packed his stuff into labeled boxes and carried them into the garage (while still healing from ACL surgery). When I found out about the whore, no more boxes. I piled his shit out in the dirty garage that he never cleaned – dishes, panini maker and ornaments (all items he requested in the settlement agreement). I managed to move out, with the help of movers, to a location where XH and his stinky whore could not find me (they liked to play games with restraining orders where they were the alleged, unfortunate victims of me).
As months progressed and the house didn’t sell (most likely because I moved out taking the good furniture and leaving behind his shit), he started to get greedy. He told me he wasn’t going to pay for 1/2 of the household expenses like a landscaper (we had a very strict HOA, so we needed the landscaper) or other utilities. I had to hire an attorney to deal with him due to previous RO he had against me. It had been a year since he left and we had been divorced for over 7 months. On the anniversary of bomb-drop day, I flew to Dallas and rekindled a relationship with a pre-marriage love. While there, I called my realtor and told her to come up with a number that would make my house sell tomorrow. XH was on board with her number and the house sold the next day. Un-beknownst to X, I was blessed to have a friend with a wonderful, high-end guest house where I had been living since the RO, free of charge. I was able to recoup some of the money. XH has an expensive whore that likes to vacation and live the high-life I had enjoyed (I out-earned XH). Whore and XH purchased a home around the corner from our previous marital home for about $100k more than our house sold for and pays a ton of PMI. 🙂
Have been essentially alone and handling house crises on my own for a long while. My silly but empowering post dday act of rage was to throw away all of my underwear and buy all new things of surpassing prettiness. Funny, but always having sexy underthings on made me feel better about life. Satin and lace and steely resolve.
Love that! I did somewhat the same, threw out garbage bags full of the Victorias Secret stuff he’d bought me over the years. Just touching it was difficult. And have slowly but surely been buying pretty, sexy underwear that suits ME and no one else. It feels great!
I actually started buying sexy lingerie……after I threw the lying/perverted/deceiver/porn degenerate out! I wear it for myself. One day….when my “picker” is in better shape- I will wear it for an honest, decent, normal man!
Wow! Good idea —
I moved out on my own, no help from cheater (he did offer w/a buddy and 2 pickup trucks WOW). I packed all my stuff, called movers, had a big moving company move me in front of our neighbors, set up my apartment, hung all my pictures, then the biggest moment bought my first car at 60 years old. I’ve took up boxing and love beating the crap out of the bag, now if just plain fun.
I’ve really enjoy going on my vacations to see my kids and family as I don’t have to deal with the grumpy asshole anymore. My vacations are actually fun and I can go when I want. LOVE IT!!
Love it that you bought your first car at 60 AND took up boxing. Good for you!
I love these days, to read about the adventures in rising from the wreckage. I’ve done a lot, finished grad school, refinanced the home etc. I’m most proud of the adventures I’ve been on with my kids. My ex only traveled to three places: family vacation homes and then he did his fun stuff on business trips. Anyhoo, first year during a grueling in house separation I trekked the Grand Canyon with a girlfriend (in middle of divorces, our ex have been best friends since high school, what are the chances). The Grand Canyon was beyond amazing. Standing on the rim with four kids I really wondered what I had started. My kids loved it so much that the next year we trekked the back country of Yosemite (I use a guide). We cried 40+ pound packs with bear boxes. No bears thankfully! I rented a car, drove to Yosemite, drove from Yosemite to San Francisco with two kids, music blaring. And this year was our amazing adventure to Machu Picchu! We toured Peru. We rode the train the Machu Picchu Pueblo in the rain, road the bus up to the ruins, in the rain. I thought I would cry. Our guide told us to eat lunch. The weather lifted. So freakin’ amazing. We toured the ruins, my kids took amazing pictures, lots of selfies with llamas. I just got news yesterday that it looks like my x is going to pay a large payment he owes me….my diligence during the divorce, understanding his shenanigans is about to pay off. I’m feeling mighty and happy. It’s good to say to people when they ask, yep, “i’m divorced and happy”. Next adventure will be next summer, Barcelona and another city and then to Germany. In the last couple of months I have also taken in a girlfriend of my daughter’s because her divorced parents can’t seem to put their children first. She’s become part of my little tribe. I’m the person I want to be. No deadweight!
*we carried. And finally, I’m launching my business with a legal partner. Divorce Mentoring! Life is good.
In 2004, we bought a fixer upper house. When ifoundoutabout the cheatingin 2011 and put his behind out, the majority of the repairs were not remotely touched. He could never find the time. Wonder why?Well, since then I proceeded to remodel and repaint every room…gave him the old furniture, linens and started almost completely from scratch: new beds for the kids and I…all had to be assembled. The kids wanted bunk beds that had like 1000 pieces and then once I had it fully assembled, they decided they wanted them side by side….so I took the top bed down….alone….in one piece…..and rearranged the living room, complete with the 55gal fish tank…still with water in it…
I have 12 foot ceilings in my living room and the room had ever been painted since we were there…took like 6 months, but it looks Amazing.
Shelves that the ex couldn’t bother to put up were put up…and the brickwork and new stairs that the ex could never find money for were replaced 2 years ago. One of my aunts moved out of the country some years ago and she surprised me with a visit…she literally ran through my house screaming “You changed EVERYTHING!!”. My friends constantly keep saying how the house looks so much better now that he has been gone… by the way, I started this process with a 4 and 6 year old in tow….Jesus, to get this far…CHUMPS, we’re mighty!
After EX moved out, I think I used my anger on the lawn mower and the weed wacker. Then I started to have every room re-painted. De-Cluttered even more. Then put the house up for sale without his help – because he was so deep into OW fantasy land. The house sold in 3 days. Moved to an apartment – so that my newly High School daughter wouldn’t have to leave her friends and told myself that I would buy my own place once she was finished High School. I moved into my condo a month ago.
In my new place (all mine- best feeling ever) – I ripped carpets, painted, decorated, organized contractors, and I am so proud that all of that was done without his help.
Bonus – once he found out that I bought a place and didn’t tell him – he was furious. Why? don’t know and don’t care.
Bonus Bonus: This past Sunday I was walking in town, holding hands with a guy I’m seeing, and whom do we encounter for the first time ever? EX and OW – and she looked totally bored, 2 feet apart from each other and not even talking. I pretended I didn’t see them and she continued on with my animated talk with my man. It was sweet. 🙂
As I write I am sitting in my lawyers’ waiting room to sign agreement with cheater. My divorce is final in ten days. Got a better agreement out of cheater than a judge would have decreed because my lawyers’ froze cheater’s assets and he could not pay his debts. Só now I can sell my house (I have a good buyer).
Cheater is an agronomist, but abandoned his profission to become a think tank lord (more glamorous than getting your boots dirty?). I will buy a small farm now and plant trees for hardwood (known as Green Gold in my country). Every tree I plant (about 1000) I will roar like Luziânia.
I joined Toastmasters. My ex was a really good public speaker, and I was always content to stand behind him out of the spotlight. After he left, I felt exposed. Then I decided to conquer my fear. When I first joined Toastmasters I could barely stand and speak without shaking for 20 seconds. By the next year I won two humorous speech contests (I had plenty of material subject matter after going through the divorce).
I divorced the “Dimwit” in 2012 after being married for 22 yrs. I think his Mom should pay me for babysitting him for 22 yrs . He never did give up the bottle, just the ingredients were different. I got a broke down Hobby farm for a good price after the divorce. I got a boyfriend who was motivated and talented. We have been hammering the farm into a show place.
We ended up with 400 chickens of different breeds. I had 8 incubators going full time. We breed and sell chickens. I had people begging to get on my egg routes in Green Bay. I turned into the “Go To” place for people to have a cup of coffee, gossip and buy and sell. Kids hung out here and played with my chicks and actually learned things. ( I like telling farfetched stories) I guess most the chickens in this area came from my farm.
Last year we got the ribs for a commercial greenhouse real cheap. (Divorce Special) We now have a huge Commercial Greenhouse up and running. I’m now getting ready to pour a cement slab in the barn. A friend gave us a backhoe/loader to use ,so a large pond now on the menu. My ducks are waiting patiently for that. In the meantime every time I turn the hose on they come running to get sprayed. We also put in 47 fruit trees and 2 lines of grape arbors.
I fill up my days. In my down time I got a new knee, new hip, rebuilt right hand, rebuilt right shoulder and numerous other surgeries. I should of asked for a partial brain transplant due to the cell die off from listening to “bullshit” for 22 yrs. If I had picked better in the beginning I would of been on Easy Street in my later yrs. I look at my boyfriend and what we have accomplished then compare it to my marriage. I know for a fact I carried my X’s weight through the whole thing. Things are just so much better now. Here’s a shout out to the OW, “Thanks for scrapping the shit off my shoe and thinking you had a gold mine.” I hope he keeps you thinking that big nugget is just under the next pile of shit.
Awesome, Yooper! What progress. I’ll bet it’s gorgeous.
My summer garden is looking pretty neat, thanks to my redirected anger. I’ve said it before- a trowel and some dirt can come in handy when a punching bag is nowhere in sight.
I love what becomes of my angry gardening. I work that dirty dirt with my bare hands and each time I plant something new, I feel a sense of completion. And when they grow and come to bloom, I am reminded that there is so much beauty in this world despite my own shitty situation.
Yes. Gardens are great therapy.
After I threw him out I was determined to maintain the lifestyle I loved. I didn’t want to change the things I appreciated in my life including my job which requires maintains two residences due the location. It required doing without basic necessities.
I refinanced my student loan to a third of the previous payment. I got rid of cable, my gym membership, reduced my phone bill and internet service to half the cost. I started cutting and coloring my hair and shopping at consignment shops. Overall reducing my monthly bills by around 600.00 a month. In three years I’m credit card debt free and opening a 403b plan to reduce my income taxes from here on in and will be able to borrow against it interest free down the road to purchase a home when my granddaughter graduates in a few years.
I’m planning on using the home I purchase as an air b&b when I begin my working retirement in various locations such as Ireland, Hawaii, and a Native American reservation. This has been my plan for years.
Landing on my feet was largely due to the support I’ve had here soaking up the inspiration coming from chumps and the women who came before me who suffered in silence.
Ooo. Almost forgot, a minor thing but I was still proud. I sleep in the attic bedroom. When I woke up one night with a bat flying around my room I didn’t panic. I calmly got up, found a box, managed to capture the thing and released it outside. I think (hope) I even managed to not hurt it.
It wasn’t exactly anger that made that possible, but it was a determination to prove that I didn’t need STBX to handle that kind of thing for me (the last time it had happened was before our marriage blew up and he caught the bat).
Took up weight lifting once I got through the nausea, vomiting, and near-starvation of the early chump experience. And in a big way, too. I can now squat my own body weight! Which plenty of men cannot even do; my anger and determination to not let that loser win and break me gave me, I am certain, almost super-human strength at times. Mostly, I stayed consistent and just kept showing up. I began to feed myself again too, because lifting heavy shit and sweating profusely makes you HUNGRY. Now, my insides match my outsides–strong.
Bought a house, got a job, kept it and now I have tenure, bought a car, every bill paid, full custody of 2 straight A middle school kids, and am starting in the fall at Auburn to take the 6 classes I need to be certified as a principal. BAM!!
He strung me along for 2 months with fervent denial of any wrongdoing. I knew he was cheating again and did all of my best pick me dance moves (including making a painting of the lake he grew up on which, in retrospect, was rather pathetically hilarious of me), but I wouldn’t let the gaslighting and his denial of the blatant cheating evidence stand. My ping-ponging of anger and neediness being too much for him, he made a grand announcement that he was picking Boy Tabula Rasa and getting away from me. Honestly? Thank God! I was close to ending things, but I don’t know if I would have had the strength to pull the trigger. Instead I would likely have chosen the RIC route. More accepting blame for his shitty character. More thinking I had more control than I actually did. How many more years of playing relationship police?
What I did then was to kick him out of the house. He yelled and threatened to sue. I was calm and reiterated that he needed to leave. Kicking him out was the most badass I had been in the months since the latest round of his cheating started. I felt so strong, and I honestly don’t think I would have survived with him in the house dating the OM after our 20 years together. Of course I collapsed into a puddle for the next 6 months, but I wasn’t letting him jerk me around anymore.
Since then I’ve managed to keep my job (which has been a heroic feat given how my brains went c-ya), I’ve fought round-after-round of him coming after me legally, and I know I’m going to be ok, I’ve even started dating, and while that’s scary as hell, I’m doing it. Somewhere out there is a guy with integrity and kindness who likes an occasional backpacking trip and nights at home cooking dinner together.
This rage can make you as strong as the Hulk, and it’s great to be able to use it.
I am quite small and light and always struggled with heavy weights and strength, but always fit.
In the past year, rage has allowed me to lift just about anything on the farm, and if I can’t I find a slow way around it. I was really worried I wouldn’t be able to cope with so many things and everything has gone fine. And if I still can’t do the job, well now I have the money in MY budget to pay someone to do it, because Traitor hasn’t squandered the money.
Part of my recovery was to keep a record of all the tasks I was afraid of but finally did by myself, just to confirm in my darkest days of despair that I was making progress, even slowly.
Always keep a record of the obstacles you’ve overcome, because for years your cheater has been undermining your self confidence in ways you don’t even suspect until you’re confronted with a problem now and realise that you can solve it, but wouldn’t dare try when the cheater was still around.
Anger gives me the courage to try anything just so I can yell: “The lying cheating traitor isn’t going to win!”
This is going to sound a little odd, but my anger propelled me to contact my biological mother. I was adopted as an infant, and after my parents died, I requested my original birth certificate from the state where I was born. So I knew who she was and where she lived, but was having a hard time gathering the nerve to contact her (which of course Assholio thought was ridiculous). After DDay #2, I needed to push myself out of my comfort zone in some area of my life, to actually move forward in some aspect, so went ahead and reached out to her. We have been in contact for two years now, and have met up a couple of times too. It hasn’t been a Lifetime movie by any means, but I’m glad I went ahead and pushed through my fear of rejection.
Good for you! It’s a time of rebirth.
Might sound lame, but I eat at a restaurant all by myself. I don’t put my nose in my phone, I watch people and I enjoy it. I used to order take out and eat it in my car. Now I do it in the comfort of a restaurant and enjoy my own company!
Its not lame to me – it seems awesome and Mighty. One year from D-Day and having not been single for 40 years, I feel horribly uncomfortable doing this. It seems like somehow everyone in the restaurant knows I am a chump and is secretly laughing at my situation. Its so fucked up because before D-Day I was confident and did eat out on my own whenever I felt like it.
After my first D-day I decided to get out of my comfort zone and take a night class called “You too can draw.” I found out I COULD draw. I took this class after working a full time job and driving into downtown 40 minutes from my house at an unfamiliar college. It was one of the scariest things I did because it was so different to me. I was a mom, teacher and wife and definitely not an artist… But after that one class I have taken photography and pottery classes. I love every one of them and continue to learn about my art and how to express myself.
Unfortunately it took me 4 D-days to finally leave my ex. But I think taking those classes gave me the courage to do things that made me uncomfortable and feel brave enough to finally leave.
I tidied up. Don’t laugh. His ‘den’ was the room where he’d sit away from us every night talking to the unicorn magic princess OW on his Mac about going on spiritual adventures to be alone together in Mongolia (I kid you not) and being awed by how they were Meant To Be (not mutually, as it turned out… 🙂 ). The desk, all the shelves and surfaces were completely covered in rubbish layers deep, papers, food wrappers, odds and ends and broken bits years old that never got moved, the sign (I now see) of a hell of a messy personality. I was never allowed to move anything because of the Filing System.
Now I use that room as my art studio and he’s allowed to use another room to store his stuff because he’s going to live in a van. But I have moved every last bit of useless, pointless, outdated crap into that room. When he goes in there and looks around, it must be overwhelming.
Oh, and I took up bee-keeping. Nothing like partnering up with 50,000 beautiful, hard-working, no-nonsense girls to make you feel mighty!
Mines going to build a mud brick house some day. This from someone who has never built anything in his life and is crap with money, dream on dreamer.
Inspiring mighty chumps I salute you I Second Luziana’s note to new chumps that initially surviving is enough! For the first few months I’d wake and remind myself I’m going to be ok. Still need to get used to safely letting out anger in chunks without disturbing the sense of safety I strive to provide for my teens. Some anger I have directed to renovate (painted fixed gardened), cleaning and some for long walks.
I single handedly, hung a new light fixture in my bedroom closet, (the husband and the whore are both in the electrical trade), I hung a new light fixture in my bathroom, replaced the faucets and towel bars in the same bathroom and hung two ceiling fans. I then posted all over facebook pictures and narrative of what I had successfully accomplished!!!! I had 50 comments and over 100 likes and loves to my post from supportive friends and family. I cried a lot during the projects but I don’t need no husband!!!!!!! I am woman, hear me roar!!!!
Oh I forgot to add – I am leaving next week for a SOLO camping trip in a tent to the Rocky Mountains for a week. 10 hour drive, a week alone in the beauty and peaceful surroundings in a TENT! ALL ALONE!!! My mom is having a hissy fit about bears!!!! I don’t care if a bear eats me…………… I am not giving up something I love to do because the husband and the whore got caught with their pants down (literally) in a public park, have moved on and are living happily ever after.
Oh Lori – this is mighty mighty! Camp on, sweet friend, and enjoy every mountain breath
I know I am not mighty and I will never be mighty.
I believe that I am the type who will always sit in the back row of the class room.
My cheater is one lucky son of a B! I pick me danced and he stayed.
I have been a wonderful wife, top notch Mother and the Mother part is my greatest role. That and a very rewarding career.
I have many friends who don’t know my story, but they love me for who I am.
I feel so blessed.
There are so many Chumps who have had it so much harder than me.
ALL of YOU are MIGHTY!
CL, CN has made it possible for me to learn that the way my cheater acted and the characteristics he will possess until the day he dies, are NOT my fault!
A person who actually cheats on a loving partner is damn lucky when he has a family who have stood by him and have helped him through life’s daily struggles.
Damn lucky, I’d say.
I feel so much anger for other Chumps and I applaud and do many Happy dances at your victories. All of them.
Huge, mega happy dances!! For each and every victory.
I love your success stories in today’s and every day’s posts.
YOU are Mighty!
Peacekeeper, you need to realize you are mighty!!!! It sounds like your cheater is lucky, but are you? From your post you sound like you are disappointed in yourself. I can only speak for myself, but I did the pick me dance for 2 years and 4 discoveries. After the 3rd d-day I stayed another year with my cheater, and it was probably the worst year of my life. I was so unhappy with MYSELF, he was living a great life and I was miserable. Then came d-day 4, and the final opportunity to leave the SOB. I wish I had done it earlier, I am so much happier and proud of myself. I did it!! If I can you can.
I wish you happiness and joy, you deserve it…
Thank you for your very touching and sincere reply.
You have gone through so much and you have survived and come out even stronger.
Regarding my post of yesterday,when I went to bed I said to myself, “Peacekeeper, why would you write such a post?”
I am mostly good, just have some down days and I guess that was one of them, a serious thoughts day.
I have so much to be thankful for.
My career involved varied fields in the medical profession. I got my degree in nursing, did a lot of clinical labour and delivery, teaching. I was offered different management positions but always preferred to do a lot of actual plain bedside nursing, – the best kind- in my eyes.
I excelled at that. If there were stitches a person, even Doctors, could not get out, they would say ” Go get Peacekeeper, she will get them out.” Ok, so, give the poor patient something for pain, wait for it to take effect, then keep the stitches moist while you work on finding them, ( in some cases), getting them removed, all the time talking, reassuring the patient.
One day as I came on duty for a later shift, there was a lot of chaos in a particular room. A young girl who had recently delivered a beautiful baby boy was crying, yelling and screaming, trashing around on the bed. Three nurses were trying to hold her down, security had been summoned to the room. One of the nurses saw me walking by. She called out to me to come into the room. She turned to the other nurses and the security guard and told them to leave the patient alone with me, Peacekeeper. They all went out and shut the door. This desperate young girl was a mess. Snot was coming out of her nose and down her cheeks. I noticed a box of kleenex by her bedside. I picked some up, placed them in her hand and said, “This must be so very difficult for you, I am so sorry.” She grasped my hand, seemed like forever and she unloaded all her sad story on me. She had travelled many miles to deliver in this different city as her parents did not know of her pregnancy. They had already supported her thru a first pregnancy. She had an apartment, a job and was a loving Mother to her little boy at home. She fell in love, was engaged and when this guy learned she was pregnant he left her. She did not want to further burden her family. Private adoption had been arrranged by a very prominent couple and they wanted this baby at all costs. As soon as the baby was born staff whisked the infant away. She loved her baby with all her heart and really wanted to keep this baby. She calmed down. I made arrangement for a different social worker to see her. It took a few days to straighten everything out, but in the end she left the hospital to head back home to introduce her infant son to his sibling and his grandparents. She hugged me when she said good bye and thanked me for listening to her and helping her. Really, I was just doing my job.
Sorry, for a long story, but I just had so much fulfillment from my profession.
Palliative nursing was another favourite and I still do that, only not under a hospital setting.
There are so many Chump Nurses on this site. YOU and they are ALL mighty.
I guess I often feel if I am a good person, a good Mother, a good wife, a good, kind nurse, then how the hell did I choose a partner who is so different from me. The cheating aspect is one horrible character trait. even in cases where a cheater cheats just once other characteristics they possess are just downright not nice. He is so different from me. He managed to fool me in the beginning.
As I have said in other posts, I am mostly ok, have survived him and he is indeed a very lucky man to have, to this day, the family that he has.
There is even a seldom occasion when he almost realizes this, I think anyway!
Again, I stress when young Chumps choose to walk away after the first cheating and Chumps who make the decision to leave, you all are the mighty ones! Happy dance victories, each, and every one, accomplishment!
I do not have meh, no tuesday, the closest I can come is 1159 on a Monday, and, most days I am ok with that.
Thank you again Chumpchick for reaching out to me. Your kindness is a gift I treasure.
I replaced him with a a lovely dog! I went to India by myself, a trip i wanted to do long time ago…
A dog is loyal, faithful and true! You chose well!
My ExAsshole was mostly moved out on a random Wed when I was off at work. I had him take all of the stuff out of the master bedroom, I had long ago moved to the guest bedroom so I was in there anyway. He was going away to a weekend in Palm Springs “by himself” (probably a celebratory fuck fest with the HoWorker), and left the cat he was going to take at the house for a few more days.
When he came to pick up the cat and a few more boxes on Sunday, he was greeted at the door with me in full on home improvement mode… I believe I had on safety goggles, work gloves and I was yanking baseboards out of the now empty master bedroom, getting ready to paint and pull out the carpet to put in wood floors. I let him in the door and said “Max is over there. There’s a few boxes for you. Let yourself out.” And went back to hammering on my crow bar.
At the end of this little project, I needed to put my bed back together in my refreshed master bedroom. It was late, I had to catch a flight early the next morning, I had a housesitter coming and no other beds in the place. I HAD to get that bed put together. Really – putting a bed together is a two person job. I hefted, I lifted, I created bracing devices from wood clamps and books. I broke down in tears a few times, but I was determined to get that bed put together. And I did, all by myself and ready for the housesitter.
– remodeled my kitchen and rehabbed a porch;
– got my kayak on top of my car numerous times and kayaked by myself (and with a new friend)
– bought a cordless drill and take care of most home repairs by myself
– replaced a spring and seal in a leaking bathroom faucet (plumbing!)
– rehabbed a ten year old John Deere riding lawn mower, changing the oil filter, air filter, spark plugs, and solenoid switch all by myself. It runs better now than ever before (when Cheater lived here I used to pay a company $300 every spring to tune it up. When I called them myself the first year Cheater was GONE, I was quoted the girl markup price of $500 so I decided fuck that)
– I do every little home maintenance thing by myself despite Azzhole spewing this last bit of venom at me when I kicked him out on D-Day: “This house is going to swallow you upppp!!” Nuh uh. Not even close.
Best of all I kicked out the person who was raping my resources and deceiving me for 16 years.
I have a natural gas furnace that requires a filter change for every three months of use. It has a little knob that detaches the front cover. The front cover comes off and the filter is held in place in the back of the cover by wires. It is then fitted back onto the furnace and the knob is turned to secure it to a slot in the furnace.
XH always changed the furnace filter with much fanfare and occasional profanity. A couple times the little knob broke off in his hand when he detached it and he would have to SuperGlue it back on. For this reason, he tried to push back changing it as long as possible.
After his departure, I realized that the furnace filter needed to be changed and that I would have to change it. I bought a furnace filter. I slowly and carefully turned the knob, afraid that it would break off in my hand and I would have to SuperGlue it. It did not break. I detached the cover and took the old dirty filter off and threw it away. I put the new furnace filter in the back of the cover and placed the wires around it. Every time I tried to re-attach it to the furnace, I could not, as the filter would not lay flat enough for me to turn the knob. I spent hours on it until I became frustrated.
I wandered outside to get some air, looking to see if any neighbors were at home that I could ask to help me. The only neighbor home was a single dad with a delinquent tween daughter, A few years prior, when my then-husband had gone to pick me up at my second shift job, he had seen delinquent tween daughter skulking in the street. When we returned home, our sidewalk was littered with decapitated and dismembered Barbie dolls and the yard was strewn with empty water bottles and toilet paper. We marched over to tell her father, only to learn that he had just come home from the hospital earlier that day from knee replacement surgery. Well, this was the only neighbor home so off I went. I asked my neighbor if he would help me with the furnace filter and he came over, with daughter in tow. Alas, he was unable to reattach the furnace cover to the furnace. He recommended that I ditch the furnace filter I purchased and go to Lowe’s and buy one like he had, one you could cut to fit. He then peppered me with questions regarding my then-husband’s disappearance before he and his daughter left.
At this point, I was pondering hiring someone to help me. I realized that I had not eaten all day and it was dinner time. I took off in my car to McDonald’s and had a Quarter Pounder with Cheese Meal. Feeling fortified from my dinner, I returned home to attack the Furnace Filter Project with new vigor. Then something amazing happened. I turned the knob and success! Voila! The furnace cover was back on with the new furnace filter in place!
I collapsed to the floor sobbing, the first time I had sobbed since he left.
Me: Fuck ME? Oh, yeah? FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUU [double-barrels].
Then I divorced his ass, and went NC.
Anger kept me going–I drove that shit over prostrate grief and shattered pieces of heart. I peeled out in it. Sure, I ate my heart out and dropped 15% of my body weight, but anger made sure I didn’t falter. Anger pushed me and gave me giant lady balls. I moved his shit out of MY house and took a equalizing lump of “his” 401k.
No, fuck YOU.
I love anger, well-directed.
So funny because the “religious community” frowns upon anger (including righteous anger). My STBX pervert/liar/cheater/porn degenerate……ran and hid in the church after d-day. He texted: You are too angry for me.” “The Bible says anger is wrong.”
The nerve of these freaks! No ….you don’t have the right to control how I feel about what you did to me! Sorry perv dude…..go preach to a webcam hoe!
Hahah, “perve dude”!
See what anger has wrought? Perve dude repellant. Maybe if you were less angry you could have a chearer perve dude for a lover (ewww).
Shall we thank GOD for anger?
TVCheaterGuy promised my parents I would be able to complete my education. 14 years and several DDays later, he had no recall of this promise (or those wedding vows, or…). So post-divorce, the kids and I saved our money for 2 years, and I went back to school. We called it “Mom’s Grad School Fund.” Got a master’s degree and then went on to get a Ph.D. at age 47.
Awesome, every one of you chumps, just awesome. I feel like releasing thousands of balloons to symbolise how you all soar now that you’ve ditched all that deadweight!
So much mightiness CN! I stand shoulder-to-shoulder with human greatness.
Since kicking out the bottomless pit of neediness cheater I have found health and happiness I didn’t think possible 18 months ago on DD.
I always thought I was a strong woman but had no idea how strong I would become.
Cancer diagnosis 4 days after DD. 9 surgeries in 13 months, 4 rounds of chemotherapy and immunotherapy. Many days couldn’t get out of bed. Even in my darkest and weakest days I found something to be grateful for and made my “get back up and kick ass” lists.
-When I couldn’t lift over 10 lbs and was catheterized, I learned to shimmy heavier items across the floor. His leather recliner for instance was chucked out the front door and then given to a foster care family that used it to rock abused kids. Turned my rage into good and purge him from my home and life.
-I was literally buried in 35 years of stuff. He couldn’t be bothered with helping a loving and loyal wife with cancer. He had to take care of his 20 plus year younger massage parlor whore and do image control with family of origin lest he be kicked out of “the will”.
I kicked them all out of my life. Went 100% no contact. All narcs! Best thing I ever did to heal. I used my rightful betrayed-and-cheated on anger to purge and heal.
I have sorted through, donated, sold, fixed, jump- started, shredded, recycled, brought to dump and given away all that does not serve me or bring me joy. I’ve cleaned gutters, changed lightbulbs on 12 ft ladders, trimmed hedges and kicked ass through highly contentious divorce. Laying in hospital bed, I made use of my time by getting my research “ducks in a row”. It all paid off in a decent settlement, have cancer on the run, and got me through the peak of my betrayal anger.
The walls of my heart and home sing and bring me health and vitality. I wish it hadn’t taken cancer to give me the strength to kick him to the curb. I am so grateful to be alive and enjoying my family (3 beautiful grandchildren). It does get better.
I have my 60-day cancer re-check this coming Tuesday and am optimistic to receive my first NED (no evidence of disease).
The anger still bubbles up from time to time but I remind myself that cancer has no place in my life now and I am so much better off living bravely, authentically and cheater free.
You all inspire me! TY for helping me heal.
Wow Free Now. You are inspiring. May you and everyone go from strength the strength.
YOU are mighty.
As far as having a cancerous cheater in your life, there is NED.
Hugs and best wishes for your checkup. No doubt that not having him in your life is pretty good therapy that enhances your body’s defenses. You got this.
My ex was bat-shit-crazy about doing the dishes. If I did them, there was always *something* wrong.
I might stack them incorrectly in the sink.
I might not arrange them correctly in the dishwasher.
I might leave them a little too long in the sink.
More than a few times, I may have left the sink strainer askew (triggering a rage-fest)
Maybe I didn’t clean them well enough BEFORE I put them in the dishwasher (his idea of “well enough” was practically sanding the design off the plate first …..)
So when my ex departed – I left a sink full of dishes for a week. And I admired the fuck out of those dirty dishes. I reveled in the fact that there was not someone screaming at me about them. I reveled in the fact that I could now not be so anxious because – those dishes were in there, dirty, for a long time, and the fact that they were in there wasn’t bringing the world to an end. I so wanted to take a picture and text it to him – once a day – for a week – and say, “Now what you asshole.” But I’m No Contact, so I didn’t.
My a hole hated the way I stacked the dishes, wtf, I was the one who put them away in the morning anyways so …
Its a projection of bigger issues but yes enjoying doing what the fuck I want how I want!
I threw all of my dishes out. I use paper plates since I got rid of the liar/cheater/perv/porn degenerate.
Oh yes. I love the freedom to live and be without the joy-killing, critical, disapproving eye. I had been excited to go to DC with my son for years on a family trip and ex would just stare at me with sleepy shark eyes, not responding. After the divorce, I took my son and we had a great time. I love doing what feels good without the critical internalized addressee that is a narcissist. I took my anger and honored it, while meditating such that I have control over the rage. These days I try to read my emotions before they get to rage. If I am even mildly annoyed by what someone does or says to me that is enough to put the breaks on, identify why, speak up, or walk away. Cutting ties with people who cannot or will not see or hear me is the best thing that has come from the experience of all consuming rage.
I filed for divorce…..sold the house……moved to a beach town…bought a cheater free….liar free….pervert free condo.
I gave my wedding rings to the Salvation Army on the way out.
I sold the “adultery bedroom set,” the “porn couch” (which was masturbated on when his webcam hoes chimed him)…….. and I tossed out all of the bedding. The bathroom where he took “dick pics” to plaster all over hook up sites- was painted ….and scrubbed with Clorox. Anything his penis activities touched- got booted.
I’m going to admit it. I threw out all of his baby pictures and the pics of his creepy parents. Out out out into the trash they went. My righteous anger did not want to look at their ugly faces anymore.
You go girl! I feel the same way. I haven’t yet but someday I want to get rid of thewedding album in dramatic fashion!
After five years of marriage, I finally worked out my health insurance (provided by his job) so I can access it completely on my own and scheduled my first doctor’s appointment since leaving the house. I spent a good 3-4 hours Friday doing that as well as separating my cellphone, auto insurance, and Netflix accounts from his. We had agreed to keep them joint, meaning I would send him a check monthly. I ended up being too annoyed by this forced contact and needing to go through him to get my account info. (I also didn’t like him knowing what shows I’m currently watching–silly, right?!)
It might seem petty, but I would rather lose the discounts we had on the phone and auto insurance to get some autonomy. Making those administrative changes is my painting the house or building the deck or fixing the car. And every step toward true self-sufficiency is one step closer to actually filing for divorce. My goal is for there to be nothing to decide or separate when I file.
I started a career change by returning to school as a nursing major. Unfortunately, STBXW forced the sale of our beautiful home and is raping me for half my pay because she refuses to give me my 50/50 child custody split; we agreed on a 50/50 split until she realized she wasn’t going to get by on her own. Anyhow, I stopped being pissed (because it got me NOWHERE!!!) and am putting that energy into my studies. It’s been fabulous! The workload keeps my mind off the turd and her betrayal. I expect to regain EVERYTHING I lost back through my education and new career. It will happen because nothing says sweet revenge like success!!!
I am not very active here, but I already shared this one a while ago – when my D day happened, I was finishing law school and was supposed to sign up for the bar exam. I hesitated and almost decided to postpone it, because I did not think I could have ever studied well and passed it in my emotional state. I was a total wreck. Thankfully, I decided otherwise, signed up for the bar and passed on the first try!!!!
Late chiming in, but I have a few thoughts:
When I first read this post, I immediately flashed back to the final episode of the Little House on the Prairie where Laura gets righteously pissed off and breaks every window in the house declaring, “They were MY windows and when I got so angry, I broke every damn window in that house!”….
Then, I flashed back to a rainy night right after I found out about yet another AP/OW and I got so angry I took my Louisville Slugger outside and just beat a rubbish/burn pile down to microspecs…my hands had blisters for days abd my knuckles were sore too…but that’s what I had to do to assuage the rage…
I recall a scene in St. Elmo’s Fire when “Wendy”shares with “Billy” just after moving into her first apartment about how good it felt for her to get up in the middle of the night and make herself a p.,b., & j. in _her__ kitchen, in her place…
Those are moments I think of as I reflect on the last two years since The Evil One left. I’m free, I can watch what I want, cook what I want, do as I please. Ive made improvements to my rental home, but can`only do so much. Rearranging furniture, getting organized, etc. are most of my activities. Not very”rage plumbing”, but mighty nonetheless.
I am convinced that there are so many beautiful gardens in my neighborhood because there are so many cheating assholes…
I have to report that I changed one sprinkler head by myself and made sure the lawn got mowed. Stbx moved out two weeks ago and spend lots of years complaining about all the work in the yard he does. Nope, liar pants it hasn’t been bad yet. Took me a less than an hour with no experience and YouTube. I have to go change a few more now. Later!