The Sentence That Changed Your Life?
Chump Nation member “NewHere” had a suggestion for a Friday challenge.
We here in CN have read hundreds or even thousands of blogs, comments and replies. But what was that one nugget that really hit home? What was that sentence or phrase that really, really stuck out to you as the gem that could start you in the right direction? This was mine from 04/14/2014:
“You’re saddled with a partner who has checked out of the marriage. Why? Because of entitlement, cowardice, and crap life skills. Why? Because that is their character — when the going gets less than optimal, they cast about.”
OMG, CL! Those simple words literally saved me. You saved my sanity and my self esteem. Thank you, again and again.
I also had one friend who listened and listened and after each conversation he said, “It gets better.” Damned if it doesn’t. It got better. In fact, it got good!
Great idea, NewHere! I’m not sure how much I believe in inspirational quotes of the yoga pose and sunrise sort, but I do believe in the A-Ha! moments that come from a well-delivered line. My all time favorite — I love it so much it’s the opening to my book — is from the great abolitionist and former slave Frederick Douglass who wrote:
“I prayed for 20 years and received no answer, until I prayed with my legs.”
That’s pretty much the CN mission statement right there — PRAY WITH YOUR LEGS. Leave. Get the hell out. Begin again.
So CN, what are your nuggets of inspiration? TGIF!
Watch what they do (actions), not what they say (words).
“Once was maybe a mistake, more than that is a pattern of behavior.”
I had reconciled after the first string of mistakes, did counseling, etc. My best friend, and maid of honor, had been cheated on. She was supportive and helped when I moved out after the first set of affairs and even as I fought to reconcile my marriage. For me, I needed to at least try reconciliation the once (and honestly, I was probably so shell shocked that I just was not in a place emotionally or financially to end the marriage quite yet). 3 years later when it happens again, the same best friend who stood by my side as I separated and reconciled said “NO. You are too calm, you are not angry enough. Once was maybe a mistake, more than that is a pattern of behavior. You deserve to be treated better than that. You need to get out.” I am so grateful for her words of truth which gave me the strength to open my eyes. The next day after I confronted him, when he signed up for match . Com rather than fight for our marriage, I was 100% emotionally ready to leave. He made his choices to end our marriage – over and over and over…
My ex did pretty much everything ‘right’ after D-day. Actually even a bit before. (He had ended the affair before I ever knew, horrified at himself.) He worked really hard to ‘fix’ what he broke. But the thing is, you can’t get it back. Those fabulous first 20+years. We both loved hard. Until he didn’t for a while. I had to end it because I was broken with him. Still broken. But not looking at him with disappointment 24/7. I have had to find a different way of being. Still not meh. I don’t even think I will get there. Eight years later. But I did act to stop feeling quite so ‘unforgiving’ (pfffft) by praying with my legs.
^^^^This.^^^^
All of it, except the timeframe.
Praying with my legs, too…
So sorry, golfgrrl. Keep that shit up!
Oh yes!!! 100%!! It made me step back and actually SEE how uninvolved the cheater ex was. I stopped throwing my energy at him. I realized he didn’t really want to co-parent or even be involved. Got it. I use it still when meeting new people. And when words don’t match actions, I trust that they suck.
I love this one too and say it all the time!!!
When they show who they are, believe them. Very similar. Very powerful.
Oh yes. that one stays with me today. I can’t go back to unseeing those little red flags. I see them all now and trust what my eyes tell me.
+1, this nugget was a game changer for me too!
Yup. Me too
Agreed Mickeyblueeyes. One thing my ex would say is “for every one wrong I did, I did a thousand things right”. Yes and no. And they think an affair is just One thing. He would cry and ball his eyes out when I mentioned divorce and say all the right things. I gave him many chances to make things right and even wrote a bullet point list of things he could do. But his actions over and over again showed that he just wasn’t committed or willing or wanting to be with me. It’s a cold hard fact to accept. But words are nothing if not followed through with actions.
In crime theory, this is known as ‘the metaphor of the ledger’. It’s a way for criminals who would like to dupe themselves (and others) into thinking they’re still a swell person despite demonstrable evidence to the contrary. Cheaters are no different, and they use it in identical ways.
Remember how I gave money to that Ethiopian orphanage, and how I stayed after church service to help clean up after that pot luck that day? Yes, it’s true that I committed arson and that guy died. But hey, it was just that one time!
Don’t you remember that I cleaned out our elderly neighbors weeds and tipped the waiter 40% on a $150 tab that one time?!? Sure, I violated the sacred covenant of marriage and soul-raped you. But it was just that once, for God’s sake! I donate to UNICEF, woman!!
There’s clearly just no pleasing you.
Yes! ☝️This!
X was an the perfect example of “the metaphor of the ledger” the generous tips, gave beggars money, smoked chickens then distributed them to all our neighbors.
When a neighbor went out of town he’d run over to mow their lawn, (tiny lawns) bring their garbage cans in from the street.
What I noticed about these neighborly or “friendly” gestures is he would look around to see if anyone noticed. He’d mention that he gave a generous tip, looking for attention or someone to make a fuss over his generosity and what a “nice” guy he is.
X would tell me he gets along with everyone but you Brit.., you’re never happy.
Never understood why he said that on days I felt perfectly happy. (Projection)
I’d also hear, there’s no pleasing you.
One of the sentences that made me stop and think was “he is’t who you thought you married” I was living my life as a devoted wife married to who I thought was my “best friend.”
Best friends don’t betray your trust, or cheat, demonize you,
I was living life as a devoted wife and mother, always thinking of what needed to be done for the family. X wasn’t.
brit, My ex was the same. Put on a big show if people were around. A very small example is he’d only hold the car door open for me at church. But just an hour and a half before, he’d NEVER hold the car door open for me at home. He wanted the church people to think he was this great husband and nice guy. No. He’s a big fake and phony. A great actor putting on a big show for his admirers. And this is probably why it’s very hard for people to believe he’s not who everything thinks he is. They don’t know the man I was married to for 20 years and was together with for 24. They don’t know the man under the mask, but I do! And so does God! I’ve said it to him at least 100 times, “GOD HAS SEEN IT AT ALL!”
You all are bringing to mind the old saying “character is doing the right thing when no one is watching”. My stbx is willing to take ( entitlment). He does the right thing for an audience. He Will do the wrong thing, if he thinks he can benefit from it and get away with it.
Just a course of our marriage, I struggled with X dissing neighbors, friends, people in general and private to the point where I would feel we shouldn’t associate with them. Then, he would turn around and be jovial and socialize with them if it was to his benefit. He would be rude if he saw no need for them e.g. My relatives and friends and even some of his relatives. These are the ones standing by me now and calling him out for being the asshole he is.
Mine has that same script. “I don’t go out to bars and drink, go out with my friends till all hours, would never abuse you, go to work every day and let you buy what you want, fix things around the house. I do a lot good.” I want to scream every time I hear this. You want props for the responsibilities you signed up for from day one? You want a pat on the back because you’ve never hit me? Seriously? You think that negates what you’ve done? Doesn’t even come close, no possible comparison. He cried his eyes out, too. “Made a mistake, didn’t mean to hurt me.” I don’t get this either. He consciously made the decision to find where my co-worker lived, somehow found her phone number, gave her a gift and told her how this would destroy us. It is not a mistake when one plans and deceives and what he did was so intentional, knowing the hurt it would cause. The mistake for him was that he was stupid enough to seek my co-worker and got caught. He has been begging for reconciliation and forgiveness, going to counseling on his own. I don’t have a stomach for it. I know I do not want to restore whatever it was we had prior to this because I completely doubt any of it. The trust has been broken, the deception was so easy so I have no guarantees he couldn’t do this again and not get caught, and I just can’t accept that one day a person is willing to compromise his marriage, eyeing a young whippersnapper, and once caught, he can vow love. Sorry, can’t buy it. I haven’t consulted an attorney yet because I am paralyzed by the unforeseeable struggles I will have to contend with. He won’t leave the house and is currently staying in the trailer. I’m not afraid of being without him, not at all, just the opposite since I can barely stand the sight of him. I’d like some feedback from the 50 plus crowd that has gone through this. I know it is inevitable to make a move.
Good for you drop kick his ass……..I dont know how anyone can keep LOVING…EYEROLL…someone who abuses them….cheating is abuse …PERIOD….call it what it is……….they’re so full of shit once they get caught they’re so IN LOVE GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK…SO FULL OF SHIT….IT’S ALL ABOUT IMAGE IS RIGHT AND MONEY MONEY MONEY
Not quite 50. I was 47 when my ex left me after 17 years married, 20 together.
It wasn’t the first affair, there had been several. I can say, I was devastated when I found out about the one he left me for because I thought we were good at the time.
I am self employed so I didn’t have the whole ” going back to work” thing.
My kids have gone no contact with him over not only what he did to our family, but because he just outright lied to their faces when they tried to question him after D day. They too feel their lives with him were a fraud. Will that change? I don’t think so, but I don’t know. I don’t think as long as he’s with her.
Advice?
Go no contact. It’ll hurt like a motherfucker and at first it’ll feel like what I imagine coming off heroin feels like ( ” I just gotta have a hit!!”) but it will get easier everyday and you will feel the spell being broken.
If you spend money on nothing else, get a GREAT atty. this is an investment in your future.
Trust that he sucks….he does. Don’t beat yourself up that you got played, just get smart now.
I don’t know where you live, but as another posed here today…..see as many of the good attys in your area as you can. It wasn’t free for me, most were $200 an hour or so, but once I saw them my ex couldn’t hire them ( see: it’s an investment in your future.)
Cry all night every night if you need to, but get your head in the game and don’t let him hand you any of that ” but I love you….if we can settle the divorce without wrecking me, who knows where we will end up?”
We know where he will end up.
That’s my over 50 crowd advice. Hugs to you.
Married almost 39 years. I realized when I decided to leave him, there would be a lot to untangle (assets, etc), but like I read on here, the pain of staying was greater than the fear of leaving. As CL has asked in her book, do you want a lifestyle or a life? I, too, was at the point where I couldn’t stand to look at him. He was a complete and total stranger to me. The mask was off and I didn’t like what I saw. If you haven’t already, see a lawyer. I didn’t talk about going with anyone. I called and made the appointment and went. That’s how I knew I was totally done with him. Let your attorney guide you. The receptionist at my attorneys office commented it was unbelievable how many older couples were getting divorced these days. I think women are starting to realize their worth. I know I am. It sure took long enough. Material things you can put a price tag on. Peace of mind? Priceless.
^^yes^^
PMBS
I cried out to God two weeks after Dday – I begged Him to show me a reason to stay. The next morning my prayer was answered when I literally stumbled across a bag full of reasons why the kids & I could NOT stay!!
I had to quit my job, leave almost everything behind, and pull my kids away from a school and friends that they loved. It was hard, but they understood why.
If X made effort to get help on his own and choose family over his double life, we were prepared to go back. He never missed a beat jumping completely into his other life without us and rewriting history!
It was not easy for me, especially for first 3 years. My kids were older, supportive and knew why we had to leave They have thrived beautifully! I am the one that struggled mostly because I felt like I had failed in marriage (RIC sites did not help that). Leaving was the only safe/sane option.
God has blessed my kids with amazing friends & father figures. They all thank me for loving them and being brave enough to trust God by leaving and starting completely over.
I hope that helps somehow.
PMBS, I’m in the over 50 crowd, but was 48 on D-Day. If you are determined to get a divorce, please go see a lawyer ASAP, so you can protect yourself and you assets. Ask around for names of pit-bull lawyers. One thing I didn’t know is that once you have a meeting with a lawyer, you husband can no longer go with that person. So, it’s to your to meet with quite a few lawyers (usually the first visit is free.)
I was shell-shocked at first and didn’t want the divorce (he’s the one who asked for it, because he wanted to be with someone who “trusted him 100%” — the truth was he was leaving me for the whore I caught him out with and was dating her even while we were still married — liars lie and cheaters cheat!), but after really seeing him for who he truly is and not the person I thought he was. I’m happy he’s no longer my husband, because he makes my skin crawl.
There’s a TON of advice here at Chump Lady about getting your ducks in a row and what to do. I won’t repeat any of it, because so many have already said it way better than I could and I don’t want to leave anything out! 🙂
This has been by far the most difficult thing I’ve gone through, but it does get better. I can’t say I’m at ‘meh’ yet, but I’m not the hot mess I was a little over two years ago. And I’m better than I was a year ago. Good luck and keep coming back to CL and CN. I practically lived here at CL for a good year. (((HUGS)))
“trusted him 100%”
this is one of the great reverse-blaming mind-fuckeries employed by the disordered: I (cheater) can’t trust you because you don’t trust me. If you don’t trust me, how can I go all-in on reconciliation? So if I fail at reconciliation, it is your fault because you didn’t go all-in either.
Yes!
The problem is that we don’t trust them, NOT that they have proven themselves to be untrustworthy in absolutely everything!
X cannot open his mouth without lying . Once I realized that (30 years too late), I started calling him out on it, by questioning him so that he had to respond with direct “yes” or “no” answers. (For some reason, he usually doesn’t outright lie – but wraps lies up in truthy sounding little verbal packages ?♀️).
By the time I left, he was the victim! He blamed everything on me! He claimed that our problem was that he was “just never able to communicate with (AKA manipulate/control) me!” In other words: He was caught, I knew his game & he was no longer able to manipulate me or situations – as easily! He suddenly claimed that I was an abusive spouse who was responsible for all the stress in his life!
Wee bit more than a sentence but it gave me that kick in the ass I needed 😉
Weep not for what you have lost, fight for what you have.
Weep not for what is dead, fight for what was born in you.
Weep not for the one who abandoned you, fight for who is with you.
Weep not for those who hate you, fight for those who want you.
Weep not for your past, fight for your present struggle.
Weep not for your suffering, fight for your happiness.
With things that are happening to us, we begin to learn that nothing is
impossible to solve, just move forward.
My youngest son is going through his first major heartbreak, following a breakup with his girlfriend, which she initiated. He is in a sea of pain and loss. (Not for nothing, but there was no cheating involved on either side. They are very ethical young people. It’s simply a case that she was ready to move on, but the advice still applies.)
He talks to me about things, and I told him that no words I say were going to lessen the pain he’s experiencing; that’s something only time will take care of. However, I gave him some “truth nuggets” that I told him he could grasp onto if needed at really bad moments. One of them is that pain in finite.
Shadowfire, I am going to share with him those lovely and powerful words of wisdom you posted above. Thank you for these! I love the part about fighting for what is within you.
that is beautiful and awesome.
I love it, Shadowfire! Way to keep the right perspective!!
Trust that they suck.
Yep! “Trust that they suck!” I said for to myself for the longest time. Haven’t had to say it to myself in quite a while as I KNOW he sucks!!!!
“Leave a cheater, gain a life.” Still working on gaining a life, but it’s still on my mind.
“When someone shows you who they are the FIRST TIME, believe them!” I will use this quote the rest of my life for everyone new that I meet. I failed in the beginning to see some of the red flags, because all the lies he was telling he was doing for me. FOR US! He had me so convinced I was the “love of his life”, “perfect woman” for him, his “soulmate”, etc., so his lying to his family and writing love letters to me (we lived in different states) while he was still dating someone else (he “couldn’t” break up with her because “she’d cry” and other lines I fell for). This should have been all red flags to me. He was showing me who he was from the first day I met him. He’s the type of guy who’s in a committed relationship (or at least the girl he’s with thinks they are), but he’s ALWAYS on the prowl for something “better”. Someone new, perfect and shiny. ALWAYS. He’ll never change.
Yep! I’ve repeat this one to myself more than any others!
I also tell myself “What a loser!”, and I nicknamed my email folder for his emails (where they go automatically so as not to annoy me in my regular inbox) as “Loser”. Because that’s what he is. There’s no value in that relationship. He’s a loser, and I trust that he sucks. I only have to deal with the logistics of the divorce (finalized last month… wahoo!!!) and our kids.
Ugh… What a loser he is. I left a cheater and gained a life. He lost me and gained a serial cheater girlfriend. Yeah… he sucks bad.
jas…funny!
I did the same thing!
My folder reads ‘JO’. To me it stands for jackoff but it’s also his initials!!!
Apropos!
My soon to be X has the initials MF no middle….fine Irish catholic boy.
Mines AB…his initials but stands for A Bastard. His rego is RHP and stands for Really Horrible Person.
“Trust that they suck!” This one is my mantra.No going back!
Another, “his affair says more about his character than my worth.”
Finally,” don’t ever apologize how you choose to survive.”
Couldn’t agree more.
chumpfree……hadn’t heard that one but LOVE it!
‘don’t ever apologize how you choose to survive’.
Yeah, I used to repeat “Trust that he sucks” to myself over and over while I was dealing with the settlement. LOL
100%
“Do not let nonsense stand as fact.”
Women Who Love Psychopaths author Sandra Brown: “He is sicker than you are smart” on approaching the legal battle realistically.
Sex with her is fun and energetic, but I can’t finish because I’m thinking about you. I tell her it’s because of the meds I’m taking but I’m really thinking about you………Most beautiful compliment never.
Yuck! What a pig!
Ewwww….
Yeah, I guess that was supposed to make you feel grateful that he was thinking about you. LOL
That was my inspiration. No fancy quote or inspiring words. The simple truth is that his moral compass is no where in line with mine.
When discovered Schmoopie existed, I asked “Do you love her”?
Gaslighter replied, “I really like you both”.
That was the end of a 36 year marriage. 38 years together. I said “We’re done here. Bye Bye!
This was d-day #4. Once a cheater…
Wow. Just cray cray. I couldn’t imagine hearing this
Ick. I would hate it.
“When the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving.”
I was told something similar, “When the pain of staying outweighs the fear of leaving, you’ll know you are ready to go.” And eventually, it did so I was.
So true…and when I walked through my house asking myself in which room I should end my miserable life so that my kids would not find my dead body before STBX…I knew the pain had to stop and I had to make moves in order to kill my marriage, not me…
Lou……no man (or woman) is EVER worth your life!
Glad you’re here.
This is my safe place, my dose of daily wisdom and truth…and filled with awesome people 🙂
Thank you IHH
If you find yourself still dealing with thoughts of suicide, there are plenty of resources to help you through that. You can have more than one safe space and more than one line of support, especially when dealing with problems that require special attention.
I’ve dealt with suicidal thoughts before, they always subside after a little while, and with the correct treatment/support, they fade into nothing. Someone wrote it above, but pain truly is finite, it can go away and it can get much much better.
Take care of yourself and be safe. Wishing you the best of luck and the best possible outcome for your situation(s).
Thank you for your concern…I know now that the pain is finite, I got the help necessary to go through this phase…I am now angry for even letting him have such influence on me. I trust that he sucks !
Bingo! Mic drop!
For me ~ it was this…
You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation, trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.”
~ Tupac Shakur
Powerful reading it for the second day, it just went into my prayer journal!
Love this too!
RIP Tupac…..loved his words.
Love this too!
RIP Tupac…..loved him.
This might be it for me now. I’m racked with regret and angry with myself for being so blind.
“Just leave the pieces on the floor and move on.” I’m going to post that where I can see it daily. Thanks.
Giddy, that is exactly how I feel. Racked with regret and angry with myself.
Love this one!
It took a couple of months after Dday #2 and fucktard moving out to go pursue his twu wuv before something clicked that maybe this isn’t really my fault somehow. I immediately knew he sucked, I confronted, I lawyered up, and he left. But I was faking it. I initially thought ‘he’s going to set us back about $30,000′ before he comes to his senses and comes back home’.
After combing the websites (also known as untangling the skein), I found the affair fog theories. I thought Wow, he’s on a ho high! Poor sausage. What’s going to happen when he sobers up and realizes what he’s lost? Then I found the Wayfarer Infedility Help Group. This site basically started my wheels turning about character. No he hasn’t changed into an alien. He’s always been this way, but you haven’t truly seen the big picture because it hasn’t been directed at you.
I had crossed Chump Lady before and initially thought it wasn’t really what my cheater was about. But the reality is, I just wasn’t ready to face it. I hadn’t come to the realization this is him, not me. I didn’t really break it so I can’t fix it. He gives himself permission to cheat. Maybe it is a ho high once he’s in the middle of it, but there were multiple choices he made in leading up to that point.
Again Dday #2 for me. I’m a slow learner. It’s been a year ago. Divorce is final. A new normal is creeping in for me. It’s relaxing. No walking on egg shells anymore. No miserable, insatiable fucktard at my house waiting to order me around and blame me for his constant unhappiness.
I think the ho high has dissapated (if there is such a thing). I’m getting more and more texts from him. I’m not 100% at meh so I’m praying I’m not vulnerable to him anymore. I do trust that he sucks.
Ultitmately though after the initial find of it’s a character thing, I’ve been glued to Chump Lady and Chump Nation. I’ve said it before, we all have different kinds of cheaters–narcs, sociopaths, assholes. But they are still the same breed. No contact, no contact, no contact. Just click your ruby red slippers and repeat over and over….
The end of the first paragraph, the part about faking it? I am so scared I might be doing that. I am unnaturally calm (even excited a little) at the thought of leaving. But what if a tiny speck inside me believes he will be back?
“I didn’t really break it so I can’t fix it. ”
I like this quote.
Don’t apologize, MLB!! It’s funny, I still have a bad habit of apologizing all of the time. Guess where that came from?
“No walking on egg shells anymore. No miserable, insatiable fucktard at my house waiting to order me around and blame me for his constant unhappiness.”
^^^This, MLB…nailed it!!:
That pretty much sums up my life with the NarcHole!!
Just click my ruby slippers! That is going to be stored in my memory bank for all time. Brings a smile to my face and steel to my backbone! Thank you! I needed that today!
Sorry–This was way too long!! I feel better though so please send me a bill for the therapy session!
‘Trust that they suck’ has really been the one thing that has got me through for the last 6 months as he’s trying to come back around.
“I asked God, ‘Why are You taking me through troubled water?’… He replied, ‘Because your enemies can’t swim.’”
Credit goes to a fellow chump, but I will always remember that STBX is in fact my enemy…
“Because your enemies can’t swim” I have not heard that one! Thank you for sharing. I think accepting the truth, some of the words of Alice yesterday, helped me pull off the rose colored glasses and get real with my situation. He didn’t love me; the “family” didn’t matter; he had no concept that he was the reason the family broke up. I recall him saying that he didn’t want the kids to come from a broken home, blame shifting (a term I learned here) the pain and destruction of divorce onto me as I was the one who filed. Twice. Heavy sigh. Sooo glad those years of pain, feelings of worthlessness, despair, rage and fear are behind me. “Trust that he sucks” is my mantra when I have to deal with him regarding the kids. Trust that there is a manipulative motive behind nearly everything he does. THAT one has helped me tremendously. I didn’t know it at first, took a few years of stumbling and falling into his rabbit hole of confused nonsensical dialog, me giving him my power, allowing him to determine the thread of my day, run my life (they are control freaks). But once it sunk in and I tested it out, I realized it was twu! It’s twu! If I didn’t give him power and he couldn’t upset me, he got bored and it stopped, or maybe I just don’t pay attention any longer. MEH.
Exactly, Patience! When I realized that there was no way he could really be in love with me/love me and do the things he was doing to me, I knew it was time to go.
Kbchump……LOVE!!
An acquaintance told me near the very beginning, “when she asks for a divorce, she’s no longer your wife, she’s your enemy”. It took a while to sink in, but I instantly knew he was right. My actions after that were to get away from the Hell I was living.
“I asked God, ‘Why are You taking me through troubled water?’… He replied, ‘Because your enemies can’t swim.’
+++++ 1 !!! Love this ..!
Wow, this instantly made me cry. Very powerful…
Me too..very powerful
Yes, and to that I’d reiterate CL’s “Your cheater is not your friend.”
Amazing advice for the newly minted chumps out there!
Being cheated on is like childbirth, the fact that it happens every day does not change how painful it is for every person going through it.
For every rat you uncover, ten more are hiding.
It’s not that they don’t see, they disagree.
When you let people disrespect you, they get used to it.
To the entitled, fairness feels like oppression.
I’ll bring pies, bitches!!
Love all these, Chumptitude! I would also say: It’s not that they don’t see, they just don’t give a fuck. (Because in a Cluster B’s world, it’s all about ME, ME, ME!!!!)
Yup NoMoreEvil, cheaters don’t give a fuck about their chump… Until their chump wants a divorce and cuts of their kibble supply, then well we all know the three channels…
https://www.chumplady.com/2014/09/the-mindfuck-channel-only-has-three-stations/
Touche!
Chumpitude! I loved your post! I bring pie bitches!!!
The “I’ll bring pie bitches” credit goes to Luziana, read her post on extreme self-care, it’s a pure masterpiece of chump recovery – https://www.chumplady.com/2015/08/how-i-learned-to-stop-worrying-and-not-fall-in-love-with-the-bomb/
Being cheated on is like childbirth, the fact that it happens every day does not change how painful it is for every person going through it.
This…
I’m not scared or childbirth this time, now I have been through this shit storm I know I can survive anything.
You will not only survive his betrayal pregnant chump, but you and your kids will thrive because you got this!!
If you can move close to family and leave him out of the parental equation, that would be best! Not taking child support money means having more independence about your parenting and more opportunities for no contact… I can’t remember if it was Nomar or another brilliant chump that wrote this, but with Cluster B cheaters, “money cost too much!”
I already live very close to my parents. It’s not going to be possible for me to stop him having access so I’m trying my best to limit it on my own terms. If I stopped him we would have to go to court and they would grant him it and maybe more than I am currently. We may still have to go to court but I’ll fight him as hard as I can.
Love these!! All of them!!
Oh and one more:
Silence is the loudest fuck you to cluster Bs.
Jeez, this resonates with me big time.
” Silence is the loudest fuck you to Cluster B ‘s ”
I got the silent treatment all the time and it!s only since discovering CL that I realise how abusive it is.
Be True To Yourself –
I believe that the “Silent treatment” is different when used by a cheater or a chump…
The cheater’s “silent treatment” is a deception-based cruel way to keep moving the goal posts to keep a chump in the dark or to entice more pick me dancing. A manipulative technique to keep the chump guessing and trying harder to “win” the cheater’s attention/affection.
The chump’s “no contact/silent treatment” is a protective mechanism to prevent the cheater to have more manipulative amo through contact with the chump. The intent is to stop contact to detach from the cheater and forge on to Meh.
Same behavior, very different intent and results.
Aside from all the great inspiration I regularly read here there are three stupid quotes that regularly remind me to keep going on the road to meh.
1) XH on DDay when I thought I would die from the shock and heartache
“This (?) can’t be wrong when it feels so right” said with a sad semi smirk standing looking into the distance
2) XH ” You were a useless lump in bed ”
3) Big sister ” if he really loved you and wanted you back, he’d book a flight and be knocking down that door to see you” (said after 9 mths of long distance ‘pick me’ dancing)
I heard similar:
“Sex was just going through the motions.”.
I don’t even have the words to explain how that sentence broke me. I still remember the pang I felt in my heart as he looked away and said this, like I should have known it too. I’d been initiating all of the sex we had at the end…maybe for the last year of our marriage. I had failed at making him love me. That’s what I thought then. And of course, I thought no one would ever love me. Ever. That kind of hurt is unforgettable and I would never entertain that person again in my life. Ever.
Oh, Jeez, I got something like that too. For months just thinking of it brought me to my knees.
The sentence that caused me to have massive anxiety attacks for months was when my son said his father told him, “This has been coming for a long time.” I kept thinking, “how long as he been planning to leave me, and how could I have missed it?” I felt like the dumbest, most worthless person in the world every time I remembered that sentence.
Yep hearing that you had
A…low self esteem and you let youself go
B….sex was just a biological release
C…im going to miss your cooking
After 25 years and 3 amazing kids. These are the lines that keep me from looking back.
I keep hearing him say after 15 years of marriage and dd2, “I am fawned of you. I don’t want you to be homeless or anything.” I just can’t excuse that. Am I his wife or the dog?
I got the “I’m going to miss your cooking” too. I thought, “You’re not going to miss me, just my cooking.”
In other words he is going to miss what you did for him. Very useful things wife appliances
For me it was my husband looking out the window as he was getting ready to walk out the door and saying, “When I look at my future, YOU’RE not in it.” Cold as stone.
When I told my pastor about this he looked incredulous and said, “I hope you remember those words and how cruel they were any time you start missing him.”
Unbelievably cruel, he actually did you a huge favor at that moment. Who would want to be in a future with someone so heartless and cruel?
“That goldfish was never going to knit you a sweater.”
“Lying, by omission or commission, is a bad idea. I cannot shake my dependency on the white lie, because I was brought up to be nice. And I’ve never figured out the nice way to say, ‘I’d rather stick a fork in my eye than come to your house for dinner.’ But the meaningful lie, the kind that involves being untruthful or deceitful about important stuff to those you love, is like poison. Telling the truth hurts, but it doesn’t kill. Lying kills love.” Amy Bloom
Oh, the lies… my favorite quote… The truth hurts once, but a lie hurts every time you remember it…. SO true.
So so true!
One more:
“A lie by day, a lie by night, a lie in every touch and look; a lie in every caress and quarrel; a lie in every word and silence.”
~~ Edith Wharton “The Age of Innocence”
So many of the CL classics have already been mentioned, but this one (from PSA for Remorseless Cheaters) resonated:
“Quit with your Darwinian theories already. We didn’t evolve to be monogamous? Well, we didn’t evolve to do a lot of things. Farm. Use indoor plumbing. Buy sequined crap on QVC. And yet we manage.”
Wideawake–awesome quote. Fully describes my marriage.
“He deliberately chose thousands of times to do what would break your heart and destroy the marriage.”
Trust that they suck
Therapist 2, who saw KK and me for 3 couples counseling sessions, then agreed to keep seeing me 1:1 after the shit hit the fan:
“It was pretty clear to me early on that KK wants you to be her father. It’s up to you if you want to play that role for a 43-year old woman.”
Wow UX. My game changer was also in couples counseling….
Therapist: “Rob, she is an unhappy person,”
Me: “But why? She has me, the kids and everything in life.”
Therapist: “It doesn’t matter why. She is an unhappy person and she looks for happiness in others when she should look for it in herself.”
Me: “I know, I have told her that, but why does she do that?”
Therapist: “Because that is who she is.”
“She is an unhappy person and she looks for happiness in others when she should look for it in herself.” Summarizes KK exactly.
Being alone is the worst of all possible worlds for these people, because there’s no one to distract them from their wretchedness and self-loathing.
Bingo!!!!
So true UX, so true. Whorrie’s latest fuck-toy is my oldest son (16) travel baseball head coach (he used to be my friend). My son is very displeased by his mother’s choices.
And Whorrie is doing all this amidst her trying to get some custody back. What my 3 birds need from their mom on her visitation days is security, stability, familiarity, love and a *female role model*, but instead they get “Da Coach” impelled into their lives. My daughter (14) told me, “Dad, I’m sick of Mom telling me about her boyfriends.”
I am convinced, for KK, Whorrie and all the other cheaters out there – what our true karma is…. is their “alone” time.
Whorrie……hahahaha
Trust they suck
No contact is the way and the light
A parasite needs a host
Love it!
I really liked “a parasite needs a host” too!
+1
You even get tired of fucking a beautiful woman( looking at me).
I guess he had to even justify that since the new one is not attractive.
lol!!
“What matters most is how well we walk through the fire”
Said by an alcoholic cheater author. Cant remember his name. But i love the quote perhaps he had a clear moment. Ive walked through the fire sometimes stumbling but i walked and have the scars to show i keep those scars close to propel me ever forward and i keep walking like a phoenix out of the ashes.
No contact, no contact, no contact!
And
Stop trying to see their morality through the lens of your own.
A friend to me: What are you fighting for?
Me: my husband! My family!
Friend: but you never had a FAMILY!
I needed to hear this!
I had two ..
All from a dear colleague/mentor who had lived through a similar situation years ago…
“You can be powerful or pathetic. Not both. How you handle this moment will forever be a teaching moment for your boys on consequences and how you should treat women”
“You’ve got to learn to leave the table when love is no longer being served”
When on a Sunday afternoon that I was home with the kids, working on homework for my Masters degree I got a phone call from a blocked number:
Me: Hello
Lady voice: Do you know where your husband is?
Me: At work
Voice: Laughter
***dial tone****
The wheels started turning. Took a year for me to do the research and get the courage mustered up. Several months later was the ubiquitous ILYBIANILWY followed by such gems as “it’s my birthday and I deserve to work out” as he walked out the door on Christmas Day for a roll in the hay….Christmas Dinner was 3 hours late and I told him to F#%~< yourself when he criticized how I was cooking our holiday dinner. Yep, one phone call and the pattern of behavior became crystal clear!
I was just reading some more of yesterday’s posts which were so full of wonderful wisdom for me and I had copied and pasted this from chump princess because I thought it so profound:
5. We are not socialized or encouraged to think about relationships logically. In fact, we are socialized and taught to suspend logic where relationships are concerned. Husband/Wife lying to you and cheating on you? You should try to understand what drove them to it. They’re sorry. You’re not perfect. Those same people, however, if your husband/wife hit you over the head with a baseball bat would excoriate you for applying that same reasoning.
Like many, I vote for Trust he sucks! Sums it up in a nutshell and easy to remember. It is like the Jesus prayer for Chumps.
“I don’t miss you. I miss the person you pretended to be, so don’t get it twisted. Fuck you very much.”
Always resonated with me.
JC…..exactly!!!
One simple line
He cheated on you whilst you were pregnant with his child.
I don’t really need to know anything else to realise that he sucks and that I deserve to be treated better than that.
I’m about to give birth any day now and DD1 was 20 weeks ago. Emotionally, being pregnant is so much harder but my 2 quotes were ‘ trust that they suck’ and ‘actions speak louder than words’.
I was devastated for my 3 boy’s and have to morn the family life l can no longer give them but am staying positive for the future and can’t wait to hold my baby girl in my arms.
Thank God for chump lady and chump nation for keeping me strong.
Newatthis: I am soooo glad you are here, at this time during your pregnancy. So many of us understand and know everything you feel, you are not alone. We are an octopus of hugs and support and encouragement. Please, let us know when your God Shot (what I call my daughter) arrives! It will get better, you will look into that sweet face and know you are fighting for her future. You and the boys will always look after her. My older two have such a special place in their hearts for my girl, she bonded us when everything was falling apart…she was and is our joy.
Thank you so much for your beautiful words they made me cry but not in a bad way, this gives me hope and encouragement and l thank you for that. My boy’s are already in love with her so the day she arrives will be one we all remember as a new beginning. The fog is lifting, the mask fell off…bring on the new life with the new me!
Newatthis: Hold your head high girl, you are showing all your babies how to truly live and take care of self! Just keep moving forward. Don’t look back, there is nothing there. I hope and trust you have many around you to help when baby duck arrives. Ask for help, people want to help. The boys will do whatever and let them. Bring diapers, take poopie ones out, bring you water, your slippers. They want to be involved and you will need them. Be kind and loving to yourself, ok? SLEEP whenever possible. There is a reason sleep deprivation is a form of torture!
Wow! This is my story 16 years ago. I was 3months pregnant with our 4th & last child (our only daughter) when I discovered his affair. I went on to suffer through several more DDays because I was convinced by him that something was wrong with me.
I applaud your strength & courage to get out after DD1. They do not change. You can still have a happy & healthy life without him. Remember that you are the sane & normal parent and walk away from crazy. I eventually learned this & crazy is in my rear view mirror. Sending you (((Hugs))) & strength to get through. Best wishes for a quick & easy delivery. Renee
Pregnant chump…yes, what else is there? My daughter was 5 months when I found out my husband had a girlfriend, before, during and after my pregnancy. She actually broke up with him when she heard I had given birth. She filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against him and he went to court and was put on 3 years probation. All this happened while I sat on the couch nursing our newborn. Insane. This shit is unreal. People’s jaws drop to this day when they find out. Truly despicable creatures.
Yes. I don’t need to go into details but just say, “He walked out after 20 years of marriage when I was 6 months pregnant.” Sadly, there is so much more to the story that is even worse, but that is enough for people’s jaw to drop.
My 5 y-o son and schmoopie share their birthday…he took the time while I was in the delivery room to call and text her “happy birthday”…I found out 6 months later when I was doing the marriage police…
Im yrying to think of the word for them that would not be offensive. I hate what they have done, that devastation is a scar on my heart that wont ever be gone. Such a precious time in our lives, destroyed…
Wow patience.
“That devastation is a scar on my heart that will never be gone”
They will never grasp the damage they have done to us. They don’t care what they take from us. It’s all about them. I agree they are truely dispicable creatures.
Wish i could hug you, i know what it feels like, we are at out most vulnerable, carrying life, only wantibg to nurture, then, an explosion, and we fall, but try so desparately to not have the searing pain affect the baby…
Ahhh Patience I didn’t want to make you cry. Still I understand. I have tears in my eyes as I type this note to you.
I dry my tears though and smile when I read of your daughter and your son. They are so young. You love them with all your heart. You gather your strength from holding them close and caring so lovingly for them.
My daughters are older. They do not know of their father’s affair. He left his job and ho worker. We sold our home and moved to another city.
My elder daughter tries to please him, she is a beautiful caring person. My younger daughter also is a delight, but she could care less about pleasing her Dad. It drives him crazy at times. She distances herself from him and often doesn’t even return his calls. ( I can’t help but think this is a form of payback for him and I secretly smile inside). I have absolutely no sympathy for him.
I know the placenta’s job is to filter impurities and block them from passing through the bloodstream from the Mother to the Baby. The pain and heartbreak that a Mother’s heart experiences during pregnancy is so great it cannot help but enter into the child’s system. This is what I believe.
I told no one of the affair. I tried to act so normal and I desperately tried to shield my children from the truth.
I had a very successful, rewarding career and many loving friends over the years. I did love my husband. His actions at the time of the affair were truly despicable, but I did forgive him, but I will never, ever, forget. He is indeed a very privileged person to have such a family.
Patience, although we are different in age, I think we possess a lot of the same qualities.
Look at the CN names we have chosen, Patience and Peacekeeper, both nourishing, caring, reaching out names. Names that mean a lot to us as we try to live up to them.
Chumps who reach out to each other on this site, ( thank you CL, CN), live on all the corners and in the middle of our mostly wonderful world, but when we each lift our head to the sky we delight in the same sun, the same moon.
When I look at the moon and the stars at night I will think of you and your beautiful Daughter and Son. I will wish, with all my might, for a happy and safe life to be granted to you.
Yes, Blessed!
Oxo’s
Peacekeeper
You know something missy, (peacekeeper) ive thought about your words and love and encouragement all day. I shared with a friend how blessed i feel because of the amazing things you said. A salve for my soul. Thank you again. I keep re reading it, and i feel better each time. Healing with help from CL Angels. Love!
I cannot express how much i appreciate your reply, love, encouragement. Im older than you think, 44 when baby girl arrived. I think we do have a lot in common. There is so much and yet, we dont just survive, we eventually thrive.
Patience, I was 45 when my baby girl arrived. I think being a parent when you are older is wonderful. The best thing that ever happened to me. The best.
Ah Carolyn! She is my joy! So funny and spirited. She saved me, all of us really. My God Shot! Love to you!!
Thank you, Patience! Same to you!
Dear Patience and Pregnant Chump,
Even the finest heart surgeon in the whole world could never free us of this scar.
I am many years later and still the scar. There is no ointment to apply, no cure.
Still, perhaps at times, I look upon it as a badge of honour. He did not break me. It was his weakness.
I survived and I hold my precious children always close, in my heart.
They are the best heart medicine in the whole world.
We all have different outcomes in life, but we share the same pain, the same understanding.
I read and I find strength in all your posts.
You are strong, loving Mothers.
My heart is with you every step of the way!?
Peacekeeper, thank you for those words. You made me cry. My baby duck turned 9 last month. She is amazing, she and her brother are the only good to come from that, well, whatever he is. Everytime time that cloud creeps over, I remember I got the best of him. I won. I always say God gave them to me to be their mother because of who their father is. Blessed.
As I read further posts I see there are so many Chumps whose hearts were broken during pregnancy, when we are carrying the cheater’s child.
OMG I always come back to, ” How could they do this to an innocent unborn child? ( and to the young child or children by our knee)?”
All the quotes ( and more) that our fellow Chumps quote on this particular post and more, that is who they are!
“It’s not who we are, but who they aern’t!”
?we are united in pain and understanding dear Chumps!
You are ALL mighty!
Yep. Every time I think about wreckonciling I remind myself: He cheated on you and left while you were going through cancer treatments. Nothing I did justifies that.
Cancer Chump,
This! Every drip of chemotherapy during treatments and post treatment side effects reminded me to be mighty and not take him back.
Not only do they go through their cruel “list” of reasons you displease them after DD, they are like a snake with their head cut off, still hissing and angry.
Their actions and their consequences but they blameshift it to you. No matter that you are hospitalized from cancer surgery or going through chemo. It can only be about them and they can’t have you making them look bad. Cancer, pregnant with their child…no matter to them; they are disordered.
Only no contact from their disorder will allow you to heal. 18 months and going strong. Love my life being cheater narc free!
-When they show you who they are believe them.
I cannot even imagine. Stay strong
It was something out of my own mouth, funnily enough. I was telling an older coworker about the Rhys situation, and she said, trying to be encouraging I guess: “Oh honey, you’re young, he’ll come around again. I bet you’ll be back together by Christmas.” (This was in August or so). I looked her dead in the eye and said, “Pam, if you *ever* hear of me going out with Rhys again, you need to slap me across the face, because something is terribly wrong with me if I go back to him.”
I mean, in a way, she was right, because Rhys tried to reach out twice after that. I shut him down and finally told him to fuck off for good around Thanksgiving, but he did reach out.
When my stbx said “I don’t love you anymore, I have feelings for other people..our marriage has ran its course”
Other people? .. even then, couldn’t say “Other Woman”. Fucking low life COWARD. 34 years wasted on a evil narc who walked & never looked back..
I pray they both get what they deserve
God bless all us Chumps ?
Kathleen…I heard something similar…Fuckwit says “some marriages just run of steam”…um no…after 34 years, no more steam because fuckwit wants to continue to be a man boy (emphasis on “boy”) and choose what is easier and better for him…go off to his HS fantasy OW rather than be a real man and try to give an honest fight for a relationship that lasted 38 years in total….
When I think of some of the cruel words he has said…”I love everything about her”…”I love her sweetness”….and now he is still looking for kibbles as we get closer to a signed legal sep …says he thinks of me all the time and that he “loves” me….ummm, HELL TO THE NO!!!
TRUST THAT THEY SUCK!!
Phoenix..
So true…they will always be “boys” never real MEN. We love with our whole hearts.. they can’t feel love for
anyone but themselves. Too bad we have to find this out so much later
Bless you
Stay strong ❤️
Sounds to me as if you got your answer; and he did you a real favor.
Correct she got her answer but 34 years later!!! Coward mother fucker! She wasted 34 phenomenal years with a dick head!
Mine was only for 10 years, so less than a third of your’s Kathleen. He did the same thing….walked and never looked back.
I pray your prayer as well!
Ihavehate..
Thank you for your kind words
I’m sorry you had to go through
The terrible experience of being married to a cruel, evil narc but everyone here knows that we must
kick them out for us to survive
Im a cancer survivor & the night I found him at the whores house at 1:00 am was worse then the pain I felt during my treatment They verbally attacked me. , laughing, making fun of me, saying sexual things they do together., I was tortured mentally & I wanted to die but I didn’t.. ’cause even in my pain I knew the 2nd cancer was HIM & I had to rid myself of it too
I’m waiting for Karma but I don’t know if it will show up for them
My life is not the same but I will
survive. We chumps are too important to give up because of an evil entity
God bless us all..,
Kathleen,
All I can say is I hope your karma beats my karma!
I’m stunned at all you went through!! Peace now.
He has an empty elevator shaft where his soul should be. (When describing sociopath cheaters and the ones who just leave).
Startofsomethinggood,
Your right on! It’s hard to believe that “monsters walk among us” but they do & some of us even marry them.
That expression.. empty elevator shaft where his heart should be is so true. I hope to get to meh. . Some day but it feels like I never will.
+1 on “empty elevator shaft.” So incredibly apt.
Oddly it was something x said to me after dday #2. After claiming that he would do anything to repair and atone, spent 3 months doing nothing and I asked, “why?”
He replied, “stop asking”. It was like a brick to the head, a moment of total clarity. I thought , “he is right!”. So I stopped asking and filed for divorce immediately.
Never ask for someone to apologize, make right a wrong. Just watch what they do and that will be your truth.
I heard it here: “You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it.” It was during my third year of wreckconciliation.”
My whole life had spun out of control and I was trying to take back that control by taking on all the blame and thinking I could fix it. Those words helped me see the futility of that endeavor.
I still had a while to go after I read that but those words made my mind more malleable to taking the big step of ending my search for the elusive unicorn.
I’d have to go with two brief phrases. Guided by “Trust that they suck,” I finally moved toward”No Contact.”
I was unable to enforce boundaries for myself or for the kids without practicing no contact. First, however, practicing pragmatic no contact just ratcheted things up (as the EX responded to no contact by forcing contact–i.e. showing up at the house, etc.) I eventually needed the support of the legal system and the police to make my EX see that “no contact” means “no contact.” But I’m there now. (The fact that the kids are now old enough to manage almost all of their own contact–growing ever more infrequent–has been helpful too.)
Once I stopped trying to put out the various metaphorical fires he would start with each contact, things changed–for the better. I couldn’t walk toward a new life with the old one hanging on to my ankles kicking and screaming that I wasn’t being forgiving and compassionate, that I owed him another chance, that I was ruining the kids, that he’d told the kids’ school the “truth” about me, that he’d contacted the sheriff’s office and I’d be hearing from them, etc. So many contacts were a hodge-podge of pleas, abuse, and threats. I had to learn to ignore all of it–to recognize that “no contact” meant “never respond” as well as “never initiate.” Finally, I learned to just mutter the mantra, “Trust that they suck, trust that they suck” and keep moving in my own direction.
Because No Contact is the path to the truth and the light
Mine is from Sandra Brown on women who love psychopaths…
‘He is sicker than you are smart’ and ‘Pathology is the inability to sustain change’.
This was after I had exhausted myself trying to untangle his fucked upedness and frantically pick me danced.The realisation that I was dealing with a cluster B made me trust that he sucked and it was time to move on and never look back.
Deedee, this is an excellent one that also had a major impact on me, along with CL helping me better understand how my “addiction to potential” led to Olympic-level spackling skills…
“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.”
This SAVED ME. I repeated it to myself over and over and over, through every interaction with my ex as well as my family members and friends who couldn’t believe this was happening AGAIN (2nd marriage to end bc of infidelity), and that somehow it was my fault.
erin…..love that statement and wish I heard it back then. But I’ll sure listen to it now with a particular family member!
Thanks!
Yes, and same. We just need to fix our pockets! I am careful choosing everyone I allow in my life including family and friends. So much of my self worth tied up in my marriage made it extremely difficult for me to leave.
I kept thinking if he wanted out, he would file. That was never going to happen, and the infidelity was never going to stop. He wanted cake. Cake was his goal.
Chumps have to do all the hard work. Selfish cheaters put themselves first and take the easy way out.
For me, X’s cheating led me to examine a lot of things about myself, including my tendency to please others, often at my own expense. I began to understand that some of my professed friends really were nothing more than acquaintances. I made the very conscious choice to distance myself from the gawkers, gossipers and judgmental pontificators. I don’t need or want a large social circle. In fact, I am much more content with a small group of friends, who are kind, loyal and loving. My friends and I do not agree about everything, but we do share a core set of values. People who think they have the right to tell me why it was my fault X cheated have no place in my life.
Yes, this!!! So many gone, no switzerland vacations for me. The ones who knew yet said nothing, gone. They are not going to judge my methods of survival. I owed him nothing!
* pickers, not pockets
I needed that. Thank you.
Lots of lines for me, from Tracy the Great, CN??, and an array of you tube gurus headed by my fave, the Spartan Life Coach. But I’m typing into my phone at a bus stop right now so I’ll just give two. One from one of you CN angels, who said in response to my post ( on a particularly devastating day, and in response to my intellectual property being stolen and gifted to the OW by my ex…. ) “YOU ARE THE GIFT.” Bless you and thank you forever for that.
The other line came from my ex. He was repeating what I said after his dad confession. I was in shock and following the Harville Hendricks (Imsho relationship coaching) ” respectful” response after hearing a Significant Other speak, so I was saying, very calmly, “Is that all?” He was smirk-smiling and going on and on about soulmate schmoopie.all the things he was going g to go for her that he hadn’t got me. So much excitement and love.
I kep Adkin, “is that all” cos I was waiting to hear what he wanted to do about “US”….. over five years living and working and living together. He never did have a word to say about us, or, apparently, any thought. He was just making g fun of me for saying “is that all.”
I am still dealing with casting off grief at being treated with such profound disrespect.
But it”s great getting that malevolent parasitical disrespecting jackass out of my life. So that’s great.
Trying2Cope, my friend, that was horrible.
Horrible person he is.
Fuckin’ monster.
That was a total abuse of that marriage coaching technique!!
May God richly heal you from that wound and richly bless you.
I second that, QueenMother.
What a monster!!
Just one of many:
If you are trying to pick between me and someone else – don’t pick me
Love this!
HaHaHa!!!
Yes, really. I told the ex I was not going to compete with some random slag for my own damn husband. I did for a while, unfortunately, but I really did mean it at the time.
NeverSawItComing, my thoughts exactly!!
Mine was “What God has shown you in light, do no doubt in darkness”
To me it represents to honor the truth which you can’t unsee, although you’ll try to in moments of despair (hopium).
Sorry about typos. I’m in sun and it’s so bright I can barely read the screen.
literally and figuratively trying2cope!
Brilliant observation @NewLady15
“Divorce is not failure. Cheating is failure. The shame of infidelity is not your shame to wear.” – CL
One of the golden nuggets from CL…one of many that have saved me. Thanks so much!!
One step – Thanks for this. I do feel some shame even though he is the one that lied, cheated and used me. I am currently trying to muster up the strength to go sell my engagement ring in order to pay for the attorney. Besides having a super hard time letting go of what that ring represented, I’m feeling anxious about being judged for being the “one of those women who couldn’t keep her man.” I want to go into that jewelry store with my head held high but even just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. Uggg…I want to punch him in the balls so hard right now.
I sold mine and used it to pay for the divorce paperwork.
I was a bit like you, feeling a bit embarrassed about selling them and then I though – no, I didnt cause all this and I no longer what ‘tokens from him in my house’. They meant nothing to him obviously.
So, I went into that shop with my head held high, laughed with the sales assistant that at least they were being sold for a good cause (divorce) and made sure my attitude conveyed Id done nothing wrong. To be honest, I thnk she was impressed with my attitude and when I was leaving she wished me well with my new life and fresh start.
Do not feel shamed about selling those rings, feel empowered that you are doing something to help start your new life.
I agree that CN will be with you in that shop in spirit. You are mighty getting the funds to lawyer up. You’ve got this. Yow are taking powerful action to move forward in light and truth. Strength and courage to you.
Just picture everyone from Chump Nation going into that pawn shop with you and giving you strength to sell that ring and hire an attorney! You are strong. You can do it.
I can imagine how hard that will be. I’m going to sell my wedding band and deposit the proceeds in my kids’ bank accounts. Yes, it’s not much money, but it’s important symbolically.
Mid 1500’s – today….. “Can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.”
“You can’t expect someone to process feelings through a filter that they simply don’t have.” (Like empathy)
“He loved me up until the day he didn’t.” (Trying to rationalize cheaters words vs actions)
The final (and one of the first) liners came from my XH at bomb drop. He wanted me to lie to a Catholic Priest to obtain a religious annulment of our 30 year marriage. I resisted – in shock.
XH words?……. “Why not? You would benefit, too.”
Magneto, omg, I could totally feel for you in that situation even though that hasn’t happened to me (yet).
To show you the type of person he is, about a month after dday when I was doing the pick me dance, We were out to dinner and I was telling him our 22 year old daughter had gone on a date with someone who turned out to be an acquaintance of her boyfriend of 3 years with whom she had recently broken up. He looked at me with a smile on his face and said so did she have revenge sex? I dropped my jaw and just stared at him in disbelief. I should have known to stope the dance right then and there.
feelingit…..now that’s a sick mother fucker talking about his daughter like that! Wow
Thanks for saying that i have hate because it has been eating at me and I haven’t had the courage to tell anyone. He is a sick mother fucker!!!
Feelingit – he is a sicko. I understand because I had similar experiences with my STBX where I thought “huh? Did that really just come out of your mouth?” They hide so well behind the mask and every so often it would slip. We would get a glimpse and wonder what just happened. Instead of recognizing it as a nugget of what lies inside, we brushed it off as a bizarre occurrence. Kind of like throwing out the bad grade in a semester since it does not reflect normal performance. Except…that was the real truth of who they were all along.
OMG Feelingit, this is such a disgusting thing you had to face!
I am glad you can get it out here, he is beyond a sick mother fucker, I hope you and your daughter are safe and far far away from this dysfunctional asshole.
Well, since quoting other people is allowed–these lines from Trey Anastasio (yeah, the dude from Phish, I’m a hippie) summed up the weirdness for me of the moment I realized, “He lies. He’s lying. He’s a liar.” It wasn’t the words themselves, but the pause in between them.
A moment of silence, it now seems absurd
That I learned so much from a pause in a word.
Every bird on the wing leads the others along
Inside your flock of words, something went wrong…
You tried to go back and tape over the hole’
Where an intake of breath had punctured my soul…
And if anyone has ever seen a very funny movie (except for the End, which SUCKS) called The Tall Guy there’s this great moment when chump Emma Thompson tells cheater Jeff Goldblum how she figured out his affair: “Every time you mention her name, you pause.” Followed by a funny-not-funny montage of Goldblum doing exactly that: “As I was saying to…Cynthia”
Watch the movie, but substitute your own ending in which Thompson’s character stays mighty.
I don’t remember.
No really. “I don’t remember” was the sentence. It was the morning of Dday #2. I had just listened to a recording of a call he made to his schmoopie the night before. When he woke up and came down, I asked who he had called last night. He said no one. I played him the flipping recording of his own flipping voice and he looked at me a said with a soul dead voice. “I don’t remember.”
Those words set me free. There was absolutely nothing there to fight for.
hell2the no…….love your name and that’s a real messed up liar you had there!
What really hit home for me was seeing CL’s cartoon of a woman surrounded by disaster—one foot in a bear trap, a hungry alligator eyeing her, a manure lagoon and burning house and a huge mushroom cloud behind her… with the caption I’LL TAKE A YEAR AND THINK ABOUT IT.
Love it!
“Someone who cares would go to great pains to make you feel secure. They would be transparent. It would hurt them to hurt you.”
-CL
“Trying to take comfort in, “She loved others, but she loved me best,” is a table-long Super Bowl-size subway shit sandwich. If she loved others, she didn’t love you. Because love does not trick, cheat, or equivocate. Love is not okay with causing pain. Love comforts, respects, and protects.
Cheaters use words like love the way parrots use language, phoenetically, mechanically, without meaning, and the sooner chumps realize this, the sooner they can disengage.”
-The Erudite and Insightful NOMAR
Behavioral self-blame promotes the belief in the ability to control, change and avoid negative outcomes. Believing that the future can be different, promotes feelings of control and motivation, subduing the helplessness felt. Self-blame says “if I caused it, I can fix it”.
There’s something wrong with your character if opportunity controls your loyalty.
Wow. Yes, yes, yes.
I would make a huge personal sacrifice to have Cheater alive for 30 seconds to say this to him.
^^BOOM!
Perfection.
When I was standing there in the self-help section of Barnes & Noble I opened Tracy’s book and the first thing I read was the Frederick Douglass quote. For someone who’d been stuck with a cheater over a decade, just standing still while life passed me by, yah, that wuote was a game changer for me.
Another one I love is from good old Socrates, for those of us averse to any kind of change: “The secret of change is to focus your energy not on fighting the old but on building the new.” Boom!
“The secret of change is to focus your energy not on fighting the old but on building the new.”
Love this Paddington!
“No is a complete sentence” by LAJ – one of my favorite and very wise level headed Chumps – she responded to my first post on the forum and that simple sentence changed my life. I always had a problem with saying no and paid the price for it.
Now not only do I say no a lot – I say fuck no! (Thank you CL, CN and the Fuck thread).
“You can’t unring that bell, and you can’t unfuck that whore.”
I read this on CL during our one very brief wreconciliation period, shortly after I had jumped in my car to tail ex on his nightly run to make sure he wasn’t hooking up with HER. It was in that moment that I realized the trust between us was broken forever. I had (justifiably) evolved from a spouse into a hyper-vigilant PI. It was exhausting. No one should ever make the choice to live like that.
….And one more, now that I’m past the shit storm:
“Getting divorced sucks. Being divorced doesn’t.”
boom! mic drop.
Lovedajackass…. Thankyou. We have renters in the other home and he won’t get them out. Yes, I know…. why hide the money. I don’t buy into that one …..
OMG yes!!! I wish I could get everyone who is stuck trying to move forward without their cheater to really see how almost unbelievably good life is when the cheater is out of your life. But you can’t really make them understand (I didn’t either) until they do it. I was with my ex for literally all of my adult life. He was (then not now 😉 )the only man I’d ever been with. I thought I could never be happy without him. I was SO wrong. You figure out that even unknowing you are carrying the weight of their secret life and it’s slowly killing you. When that weight is gone? It’s amazing how much better you feel physically, emotionally, spiritually, in literally every dimension of your being.
I’m still here and yes, I feel like it’s slowly killing me. All of our crap took place nearly two years ago. All I had was circumstantial evidence and he even admitted it looked bad but swore no affair. Begged forgiveness and groveled big time. I almost believed him but it will be a year at the end of this month that I discovered he had hidden our entire savings. Forty thousand. Yep! My loving wonderful Christian husband of 33 years. He confessed all but still swore no affair. We’ve had two disastrous counselors. He won’t find another and won’t leave. He has spent the last year showing me how bad he wants this marriage. So, does a husband really hide that kind of money from his wife because he got into porn and hated himself but was only going to leave by himself? On top of that, the woman involved who he worked with ( no longer does- he has different job,) lives 5 minutes down the street. We had two texting conversations over a year ago. We passed each other on the road at Christmas time very slowly in a school zone. I was in my husbands truck and knew she saw me. I check her FB page a few days later. Yes, I still do even though she has me blocked, I check on a friends page. She put up a song on the very same day we saw each other saying she had been looking for Christmas music. It was a song about sex. In the summer and even went into positions. She literally wrote…. While looking for Christmas music, I ran across this olive! Haha! The memories! How fun!! ( Seriously? What are the chances and yes I told my husband and he sobbed and said he had no idea why she would do that! He thinks she’s crazy! The affair would have started in summer of 2015 and when money began to disappear. He works a different job now and is at the same place everyday. She has her own business in town. She is also married. She mostly puts posts and pictures about herself. She’s almost 10 years younger and a work out queen. About 5 weeks ago she put up a movie recommendation that almost described our family. Same amount of kids, homeschooled ( my kids are grown now and doing well in life) but in this movie the mom kills herself because she is bipolar! I mean honestly what are the chances of her putting this stuff up. Once again, husband has no idea! I feel like one of them walked away ( thinking my husband) and she would still like to have him! Believe me when I say he has done everything to make me believe all is well, but he was doing that before I discovered the money he was hiding. I feel like I’m crazy!
Uh oh… major red flags here. Did you read CL’s post about the crazy bitch red flag? That applies to both cheaters talking about their ex’s AND talking about the OW. When they are denying an affair it’s always “oh, she’s just some crazy woman who is stalking me”, etc. I would bet a lot of money that he was having a full blown affair with her and was salting away the money to be their nest egg when they ran off together. That timing is no coincidence. It never is. Maybe she got cold feet or maybe he did. It doesn’t really matter. He. Took. Your. Savings. I think that’s all you need to know about his intentions. I don’t care if he felt bad about the porn. You feel bad about porn so you steal? How does that make sense? I’m really sorry Stillhere, I hope you are considering changing your screen now to “NowI’mGone”. Big Hugs to you.
That’s pretty much what I was thinking. That one of them got cold feet. Of course he reminds me he finally told the truth and gave me the money. I keep track of all of it now. He wants to act like all is normal. She has actually preached twice in her church. Her pastor let her as she had something to share. Both of her little sermons were trying to convince people on how forgiven we are. It was almost comical. I even asked my husband how he slept at night knowing he was hiding that money while trying to convince me all was well. He said he had no problem. I know he felt entitled because he earned it but honestly still….. I would have been one of those people who would have been blindsided had he left. I knew he was going thru discouragement but really had no idea it could be another woman! He acted all lovey with me but wouldn’t have sex at the time for weeks . Told me he was tired and I believed him! He never has a problem now!! I feel like I’m waiting for a bomb to drop but I am very aware. We own two houses free and clear so I was thinking he knew I would have income.
Please trust that he sucks. You are not crazy. You know what is happening. I went through it to and did not want to believe so much forced myself to take a picture of the act now that picture is in my nightmares. Please don’t do that. Leave that person you know is lying and cheating and save yourself. Hugs.
So how about some middle ground? If you own two homes, let him go stay in the one you don’t like for 6 months. No contact, but you both agree no affairs. Just a 6 month time out. It would help you to be “no contact” so that you could get clear mentally and come to some decisions about how you want to spend the rest of your life. Divorce doesn’t negate the happy moments your had of the efforts you put into the marriage. He has broken your trust–CL points to how often sexual infidelity is linked to financial infidelity. If you can’t separate physically, consider a 6-month “break” to figure out who you are and what you want. Your H got caught and it’s typical that he denied the affair (so why hide the money?) and he’s come hoovering back to you to make sure he doesn’t lose everything. You are worthy of love and fidelity. Your H has problems and if he isn’t doing serious therapy, he’ll go right back to his old ways.
One more thing Beth….. It is really hard to walk away as I look back over our life of over 30 years and family. I have told him that if I found out it really happened that I am gone! I can still hardly live with this.
Okay StillHere — you are in an incredibly powerful position. You came to the right place. These wise chumps will have some great ideas for you on how to optimize your position. You have done a very good job thus far!!! Perhaps other jumps will share their hard-won knowledge with you on here . . .
The big strengths are: that you found the money, that you know what’s going on, and that he is not taking any drastic actions.
Thank you! Sometimes I think I should have left in the midst of him throwing me under the bus in front of our kids. Of course he apologized for all of that in front of them and they believe him.
“… even unknowing you are carrying the weight of their secret life and it is slowly killing you.”
Powerful sentence right there, Beth. Thank you!
Beth, I want to join you! Thanks for this, I am on my way. Been with stbx since 21- I am now 51. It sucks in the divorce process, can we fast forward please?
Amen Beth, and hang in there Feelingit! I had also spent all my adult life with ex (18-44). Even while you go through divorce hell, start to flip your story. View divorce not as failure, but as a gateway opportunity to reinvent YOU. Sounds cliche, but make some lists to give you the steam to make it through the divorce process. How do you want your life to look? New hobbies? Second career? New family traditions? You are no longer shackled to what you thought your life was going to be – and that’s likely a blessing. Onward and upward!
Gee whiz what do you say to someone who’s been with a narc cheater from age 17-65 with no exit planned, EVER? (a family member)
I met my cheater ex at 16 and was going steady by 17. After 27 years together and 2 great kids I never did anything for him. But his new young Bosnian tru luv I caught him doing it in the back of a vehicle in a deserted park (we were just talking without shoes, shirts undone, on my blanket with a roll of paper towels that clearly shows in the picture I took). I really loved this dick and had him on a pedestal so….
Trust that they suck
@Ihavehate If all the family member does is complain but never takes action to leave or change things, it can be really frustrating to continue to support him/her. A favourite quote I used just last night with a friend: “You teach people how to treat you.” (Maya Angelou) It’s so very true.
Feelingit, I’m glad you’re on your way! I wish there was a way to fast forward because the divorce process does suck, no question. But SO worth it in the end. Truly. It was ages 19 to 53 for me. No regrets, I have two wonderful kids from those years. But so, so happy to be free.
Omg.. Almost same time as me. I wrote something a couple posts down. Did he finally leave or did you?
Stillhere, I made him physically leave the home after DDay#2 but then spent (wasted) 2.5 years trying to save the marriage before I admitted defeat and filed. He moved to a log cabin we built together to be our retirement home. He’s still there, living with his stripper gf. I sold the family home, bought a much smaller house for me and my dogs and am busy creating happily ever after.
Most of my favorite and most helpful quotes are from CL and CN. I had particularly hard time getting over predatory OW so CL’s “He can dress it up any way he wants to: it was bigger than them both, the heart wants what the heart wants…he’s still a turd. And she’s a woman that’s won a turd. Stop comparing yourself to Mrs won-a-turd. There is nothing to feel jealous about because she is not enviable. She just thinks she is.”
Something X said a couple of weeks after d-day. “Its fun getting to know someone new “. After 30 years together, a beautiful family, a wonderful life. That’s what it came down to for him. Just showed me how very shallow he is.
I also love “meh will come when creating a new story takes more of your interest than the old story ” from CL’s book.
Chumps rock. Love you guys. Who knew so much love and support could come from an on line community.
I got the magic line… ‘im ready to start the second chapter of my life ‘ … on the eve of his crappy book launch (litterally wrote a book called career karma) .;sob also ripped off my idea to make the launch a money making event. But made sure to make d day the week before. He had ‘always wanted to try living on his own’ don’t you know… yes with some random he’d picked up a few months prior. Couldnt lie straight in bed….
Better…..the shallow moment was when he told me that well, stripper lived 3 miles away and you live 300 miles away.
To be judged by distance! Lovely!
My “ah-ha!” moment came from the OW. What she said was so profoundly idiotic and backwards that I realized what I was really dealing with. She reportedly encouraged my ex husband to fight for our marriage if he still loved me. “JC didn’t fight for me,” she claimed. Even before I knew JC, I knew she had repeatedly cheated on him and that he eventually left her when she wouldn’t stop fucking my ex. I laughed out loud at the absurdity of her expectation that her betrayed husband should “fight” for her when she refused to be someone worth fighting for. (For the record, JC did fight for her, right up until he realized she was after cake, not their marriage.) I realized how profoundly fucked up they both were if they expected their betrayed spouses to be the ones to beg and dance and grovel. That was the moment during “reconciliation” that I realized what the price would be for “saving” our marriage, and that I had no interest in paying with my dignity or my conviction in what is right and true.
P.S. – I’ve been separated for 3 years, and after 19 months of the most inept court system I’ve ever encountered (they lost out case file TWICE), I AM NOW OFFICIALLY DIVORCED!!!!!! He doesn’t have any more leverage over me. That is worth celebrating.
Congrats! Your freedom was hard won.
Free Vix — You may have seen KK’s farewell letter to me, sent 5 days after the divorced was finalized (I posted in the forums some time ago). The entire piece is insulting to an absurd degree, but she included something similar to your item:
“Thank you for being brave enough to fight for me. And for being tired enough to let me go, when I told you I needed to go.”
She actually thanked me for 3.5 months of pick me dancing.
She actually thanked me for becoming so worn down emotionally and psychologically by her deception that I had to decide for both of us that the marriage was over.
And she apparently forgot that, rather than “telling me she needed to go,” she actually cried and groveled and asked to give counseling more time.
Spin baby, SPIN!
Sounds like she has a therapist preaching some sort of fucked up gratitude. Glad you see it for what it really is!
Alllllll about her..sounds like my ex wife to a tee…barf.
Congratulations! Welcome to the other side. 🙂
Thank Beth, the grass really is greener over here!
Congrats on your divorce, FV! I’ve been following you and JC since I came on the blog, and I’m really happy for your official freedom papers. Both of you post so much helpful stuff here. Thank you!
Thank you! We both got the better end of the deal, and I’m mighty happy to join the ranks of the divorced.
If nothing changes, nothing will ever change.
One of my favorites that I use for many parts of my life.
And from my friend the day I headed for court, “He is no match for you.”