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UBT: Let’s just forget and forgive

Janice sent a long volley of cheater texts to the Universal Bullshit Translator on the theme of Janice’s inability to appreciate a fabulous reconciliation offer. It’s a small thing the cheater asks of Janice — stop being “angry, bitter, and vengeful.” Perhaps if Janice could quit being a controlling harridan, she might have shot here. But hey, he’s not going to do therapy, that “joyless eternity of contrition.” So let’s skip right ahead to forgiveness, shall we?

What a charmer!

Janice emailed him:

I noticed the last few days that you are phoning me. As requested, please keep our communication via email. If there is an urgent matter involving grown Son, logistics or the house then text is appropriate. I hope you can understand that no contact is important. It is necessary to begin a new stage in our lives.

Let’s put the cheater’s reply through the UBT.

I guess so. I just noticed you left Dog and wanted you to know I fed her. Also, you don’t answer my emails all the time and I was wondering where you are at with where you are living.

I don’t feel good about you moving out. I still wonder if we can work things out. You would need to just forget the past and let it go.

I don’t feel so good about you moving out. Now I have to feed the dog by myself. WTF is up with that?

I can’t deal with your anger and blame. That’s the problem for me. I think there’s plenty of blame on both sides but I could start again if we just forgot and forgave.

The problem isn’t that I cheated on you, the problem is your anger. You blame me for doing this thing that I did! Instead of directing responsibility to yourself, for making me to do this thing… that I hid from you and lied to you about, that you were unaware of until recently, that you shouldn’t be angry about… which is your fault.

I could start (cheating) again, if you just forgot and forgave (would remain a chump).

The most you admit is you looked away. You’ve been uncompromisingly angry, bitter, vengeful and sometimes vindictive since the day it all came to light.

I didn’t really think I’d get caught, but this is not going down at ALL as I imagined it would — you being all vengeful and frothy at the mouth. (Spittle is not a good look, Janice). Instead, I thought you would greet me with pancakes, and a benevolent smile, and softly coo, “Let’s say no more about your hooker habit. More syrup, Darling?”

But NO, Janice. You have been a vindictive little cunt. #wherearemypancakes

I’ve been confused, stupid, naive, and weak.

Low blood sugar will do that to a man.

Here I am. Alone. Left to feed a dog. #tooweak #morepancakes

Neither of these is what we are. It’s just how this whole stupid mess has evolved. I still love you. That has never been an issue.

I didn’t cheat on you, a mess evolved. Passive voice. Who made the mess? Does it matter? (Okay, it was YOU, Janice.) Messes happen. They mutate. Like errant cells in unsterile Petri dishes, messes can morph. Until they become undulating phosphorescent blobs that escape the laboratory, swallow whole cities, and have to be put down by the National Guard.

I still love you. Pay no attention to Chicago’s absence.

I don’t think I need romance in the way I did. Things have changed for me. I spoke to you in person about that.

I can’t get it up.

Lets face it, romance was never our strong suit. But we’re both getting older and I don’t think that’s as important as the support we can give each other as we grow older and the basic human love I know we feel for each other.

What’s important is the support you can give me as I age. I don’t find you fuckable. I do, however, think you can change a bed pan.

I know you’re capable of that though, in truth, you haven’t shown much to me, no matter what you think, in the last few years. I know there have been challenges, but you took me for granted and forgot about me. Son was the one that received all that. I don’t begrudge him. I love him too.

You gave my kibbles to a CHILD. And forgot about ME! I don’t begrudge him my kibbles. I’m just going to sit here and hold my breath until I turn blue and you’re not invited to my birthday party.

There has also been a controlling aspect in our relationship which is why I think you’re so angry. You were able to control me in many different ways and your lack of interest in me and its inherent dynamic, was a factor. I was happily controlled. I didn’t know what to do and how to go about things.

I didn’t know what to do or how to go about things. However, if you suggest that I do something or go about things you are controlling. A condition that makes me happy. Which I resent you for.

Is the mindfuck working?

The model for that was undoubtedly your mother and father. But I’m not your dad…he was putty in your mom’s hands. I never was.

I AM NOT PUTTY, Janice!

If you can accept me for who I am and not try so hard to be in control that would be a great start.

Accept me as a man who has no idea HowTo Do Things! I may be a blithering fuckwit who knocks over Petri dishes and stands by while messes evolve (YOUR messes, Janice!), but I will NOT be condescended to!

Try not so hard to hold me accountable. That would be a great start.

The problem with all the stories you’ve built up over how I’ve done you wrong and how I was such a terrible husband to you, is that they’re half truths. You get the details right, but always, the context is missing.

There’s a proper context for “serial cheater.” You can’t see the hookers for the trees. You’re all about the details, and not the big picture.

And the most crucial part missing is, ironically, your ability to introspect.

And my inability to use verbs.

I’ll have to introspect on that.

It’s like you just can’t allow there to be any fault put on you or the whole house of cards crumbles. Absolutely no wiggle room at all.

It’s maddening the way you won’t take responsibility for my cheating. The House of Wiggles is crumbling.

I am extending an olive branch. But it has conditions.

I am extending you a sandwich. But it has lice.

I won’t accept total blame for everything. I think the best way to work this out is to start with forgiveness, not the prospect of my penance for eternity. That’s why the therapy didn’t work for me. I was fine with admitting that I had done wrong. I wasn’t fine with taking all the blame with a joyless eternity of contrition only to look forward to.

I think the best way to work this out is to forgive me and say no more about it. I’ll let the pancakes go… for now. I won’t have a joyless eternity without pancakes however.

If you can shoulder part of the blame, we have a chance. But if you are hell bent on blame and control, and you’re going to stay stuck in anger then there is no hope for us, and we need to move on the separation agreement etc.

The dog needs feeding, Janice. I can’t do this alone.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • “You can’t see the hookers for the trees”

      #BEST.LINE.EVER.

      I snorted my coffee!!

      Would have loved to have said that to now deceased ex-Mr. Runswithhookers

      Love you CL!

  • Great UBT and funny, too. These are the two sentences that jumped out to me.

    Put these two sentences in this order: “You’ve been uncompromisingly angry, bitter, vengeful and sometimes vindictive since the day it all came to light. “I can’t deal with your anger and blame.”

    The indefinite pronoun “it” is a giveaway that he really doesn’t acknowledge the cheating. And the word “all” slips in there because he knows more than one terrible thing that he was hiding “came to light”: “You’ve been uncompromisingly angry, bitter, vengeful and sometimes vindictive since the day my cheating, lying and breaking marriage vows that I had deliberately hidden from you all came to light. “I can’t deal with your anger and blame.”

    Nothing there to work with.

      • This is my STBX to a T. Same olive branch comment. I cringed when I read that. Same comments about her parents also. This translation helped me so much as I think this douchbag could also be mine. As stated above, the word “it” is a giveaway. My STBX also cannot say the word affair. He gets very defensive when I bring his “girlfriend” up as well. I am also to blame, still after 18 months of I would just take some of the blame and quit being so angry. He now knows I won’t take him back so he isn’t willing to let go of the girlfriend, well….bc where would he get his kibbles. I think he is realizing the grass isn’t greener but as a narcissist you have to get your ego stroked daily from somewhere right?

          • Mine still calls it ‘ all of the things’. More roaches have emerged from the woodwork recently. Janice, trust me and all of us, what you know is ONLY the tip of the iceberg.

            • ANC, no joke!

              Whorenocchio refers to blowing up my kids and my life with her serial cheating as “it”. Currently when she texts the kids, she refers to me to as “him” or “he”. Yup, she is a *pronoun whore*.

              I am still hearing things about Whorenocchio all these years later. The most recent came from a Softball Coach friend of mine…he said she would come to our daughters games all gacked up on coke while I was attending to my 2 boys games at different parks.

              I think it’s fitting if I relabel her as a *pronoun coke whore*. Pathetic.

          • Mine called it “this one little thing I did.” And he had the balls to follow that up with, “that’s nothing compared to what you did!” When I looked him in the eye and asked him, “What on earth did I do that even remotely compares with you committing adultery?” He looked away and sputtered, “That’s not the point! I did just one little thing!”

            Ah yes, you pulled the pin out of the grenade. One little thing, indeed.
            #theysuck #OWdidmeahugefavor #itgotbetter

            • Oh God yes, Chumpy McChumpFace! Mine isn’t quite so stupid to call it “that one little thing I did” – well not anymore, it’s been years since D-day. I shut that shit down early on, “one little fifteen month fuckfest then, in my homes, in our children’s beds, on our couch, in our cars, all over my life, with my ‘friend’ – choke – was it?” But he does like to say things like, “there are more ways of hurting someone than fucking someone else, you know. Just because that was what hurt you does not mean you never hurt me when you told me you didn’t want to live here when we first moved to our new farm.” Um, firstly, I did not say that, there was a conversation about me having no input into a very quick move from a home and business I loved, and that I might go back there for a while, as I was commuting to milk the herd anyway – but that I still loved him madly, and I was not leaving him. Just needed some processing time. I said these words. I was very clear. He tells me he heard, “I am leaving you because I don’t like the farm you bought and shifted us to without my say-so.” Hmm. Communication breakdown? I say what I mean. I don’t not say what I mean, if you’ll pardon the double negative. He lied to me for the next two years after that, “everything is fine, don’t worry, we are fine, I love you so much.”

              One little thing indeed.

          • Mine frequently comments about my “anger” and “fits of rage” but if I say the words​ “affair” or “fuck” or “girlfriend” I get the “shhh!!! The children!” stone wall shut down.

            • Yes, that is how mine is, too. “Shhh, the kids” if I bring it up in any way shape or form, but he can go on and on and on….. about his “change, growth, good human deeds, etc. We are NOT to discuss “the deviance” which is his generalized term for almost a decade of hookers, lies, burner phones, secret alias names, secret emails, secret bank accounts, credit cards bought from the grocery store and used for this purpose, tax fraud, and the most recently uncovered “deviance”: prescription fraud. We “must only refer to it as “the deviance” for the childrens’ sake…” As if they aren’t already traumatized enough from living with fuckwit and all of his anger, neglect, nitpicking, anxiety and verbal/emotional abuse.

          • That’s a giveaway that he won’t ever take responsibility. Nouns are important. They name things.

            • The first is my X to a T!! Rather than taking any responsibility, he was very condescending when he addressed me and said “Things have come to light and you need to stop being angry – it’s not good for you.”

        • Yours is lucky. When I talk about idiot cheater’s “girlfriend” I call her “your whore” or “that slut” or “dirty slut whore fuck hole C–T” I also like “train wreck” and “piece of human garbage” ? And he never gets defensive about it because he knows it’s all 100% true. Fuckers! (And yes I know it’s idiot cheater’s fault BUT the whoremat is NOT blameless)

          • I used “your mistress” or “cocksocket”. JAMF didn’t care for either (too close to the truth?). Made him go ballastic. ? “Girlfriend” normalized it, even after I left him, they freely were out, still referred to OW as mistress to mutual friends. It’s the little things …. ?

            • I learned mine from CN:

              I used “mistress” but I was told during our divorce proceedings that this was making me come across as bitter… So I started using “girltress” because yes, girlfriend would have normalized a fucked up situation.

              Now I use “wifetress.”

    • I’ve never been cheated on and I find the mental gymnastics INFURIATING.

      Really? “Accept your part of the blame…” … For MY inexcusable behavior.

      Proper response, if you want to give any at all “There is no hope for us, we need to move on the separation agreement, etc.”

      Alternatively, you can say “This isn’t about Son, House, or other agreed upon subjects, please stay on topic.”

      Though, I feel like any response would just open you up for a long, agonizing whine-fest.

      Honestly, pick the option that gives you the least amount of headache. You need to take care of yourself, it him. He’s a big boy, if he’s old enough to work Tinder, he’s old enough to manage his own sad feels.

  • One day, it might be a Tuesday, a chump realizes what a colossal favor the OW/OM did them by taking these weak, characterless, half-witted cowards off of their hands. They may never say the words out loud and they would definitely never say it in front of their children but they are silently thankful these boils on the butt of humanity have been excised from their lives.

    Janice-this should be that day for you!

    What a great UBT!!

    • X has never once acknowledged his cheating. Because in Cheaterworld, he did nothing but discard the household appliance that lost her shine. Stupid me had no idea our marriage had built-in, planned obsolescence. Nor has he ever taken any responsibility for the nuclear destruction of our family. In fact, he continues to destroy our children’s sense of self and safety with every broken promise, cheap gesture and nasty commentary about me, their mother.

      I didn’t know it at the time, but DDay was the best day of my life, in the sense that it was my lifetime’s rock bottom. While X found ways to dig even deeper, down to a cesspool, I’ve slowly but steadily climbed back out into the sunshine. And the view from the top – while sometimes still financially terrifying – is still quite glorious.

      When people ask if I’m married, I reply, “Actually, I am the happiest divorced woman you will ever meet.

      • Same here. Once we lose the lie we are free to live authentically. All those years wasted trying to get my head around why our marriage just didn’t feel right (and then dealing with his devalue phase)…. By the time Fucktard asked me for a divorce I was done.

      • …When people ask if I’m married, I reply, “Actually, I am the happiest divorced woman you will ever meet…

        I absolutely fucking love that statement!!

    • Yes! That day has come for me. The boil popped and the wound is healing. (Especially now that I divorced the mofo lying blameshifting weak spineless limp duck coward and got everything in the trial: full custody, all our cash on hand, all of our real estate and went completely NC for my sanity! Baahaaahaaa)

      • All those poor “ducks” that auto correct gives us!

        Limp DICK …and a small one too! I actually laugh when I think of that prize the 30 yo whore “won”! Saggy old man balls, gray pubes, horrible breath, fat belly, floppy atrophied muscles! Blue pills don’t even work!
        ???????

        • I honestly don’t get the appeal for these young women. If I hadn’t met and fell in love with STBX when I was 18, I sure wouldn’t be attracted to him now. He is fat, an alcoholic whose face has tons of those red lines, repeatedly gets gout, drools so bad in his sleep his pillow always stinks, he snores, he has a bunch of skin tags, etc. And he is a known cheater with 4 kids to support by 2 different women (meaning…he doesn’t have much money). Seriously…what is the appeal????

    • THIS!!!! +1!

      When DDay hit, I thought my entire world fell apart. Little did I know that 3 years out, that was probably the best thing that ever happened to me in my marriage. I was finally, FINALLY able to see what an asshole my X is. The affair was but the one thing that sent me over the edge. It finally took an affair to realize that being treated like garbage was a choice and that I could also make the choice to leave that life and gain a new one that wasn’t just cheater free, but free from such horrible abuse, poverty, ridicule, pain and sadness.

      Thank you OW for helping me realize that there are shitty people in the world and that they do and will take advantage of chumps!

    • Seriously. I think that would be a fun Friday blog – if it hasn’t already been done. Thank-you note to the OW/OM for rescuing you!

  • Geez I’m going through this as week speak.
    Aussie NZ chumps I need advise.
    Background I am currently unemployed paying our joint mortgage out of savings and out of my account since November 2016, never missed a payment.
    Before anyone asks, no he is and will not pay his half of mortgage, he pays child support and that’s it.
    Anyways he racked up 20 k in secret credit debt last year in his own name.
    He has arranged an interest free period with the credit provider until September. Any normal person. would try and smash this debt in this time but asshat is wanting to get a personal loan from the bank we both bank with and which our mortgage is with to consolidate this debt.
    No equity in home atm and loan is co sign, thank fucking good I insisted on that when we got it two years ago, was cheating three months after purchasing house I had saved my ass off for.
    Question is, if he manages to get the consolidation personal loan and defaults is the house at risk.
    I think his credit is pretty shot and he earns an average income??
    I’m thinking I should ring bank tomorrow and ask about it. Any thoughts out in chump land.
    Asshat came to house today and wants to work shit out. I have been really clear we are done but he doesn’t seem to comprehend he’s a fucker and I want nothing to do with him.
    So this is his tactic to fuck me over a little more, it’s getting scary as he is the type to just throw it all up in the air and go bankrupt.
    Praying for work so I can eventually refinance and get the fuck away from this parasite.

    • I don’t know about where you live but in Canada debt incurred by one during marriage is payable by both. You may have to suck up paying half of that debt if there is a separation☺️

      • Not sure it’s the case in Aus. I never had a credit card or had anything to do with it. Wish he would just leave me the hell alone and let me pay house and eventually take over mortgage. Have seen a lawyer who said as we both have fuck all assets and no savings legal action is pointless and would cost more than we would get out of it.
        I would have to go to court however to refinance house in my name alone.
        Thank god I’m debt free apart from mortgage.

        • I’m in Australia. In short, if he racks up debt it will be half your debt too and vice versa. Even though he’s not paying the mortgage it is half his debt.

          However, since loans usually have to be secured against something (ie an asset – like the house) and he has crap credit and there’s no equity in the house he may be declined on the loan.

          I’m confused. Have you been to see a lawyer? You, even if de facto and not married, need to do a property settlement because under family law de facto relationships are handled the same way. If you want him off the mortgage and not to be implicated in his debts (and conversely if you want a crack at his super – which you may be entitled to) then I’d see a lawyer and at least find out where you stand and what your next step would be.

          Basically it is a very straightforward equation that they do in Aus. Law states a “fair and equitable” split of all assets and liabilities. What you end up with is a spread sheet with all the assets (including super because that’s deemed property) in your name, his name and jointly owned. Same is done with all debt. They basically then look at this and divide it up to be as close to 50/50 as possible.

          Negotiations aroudnthe percentages of the split begin when they factor in things like – you’ve been paying the mortgage, sounds like the deposit came from you, etc etc. all these things are considered and the split then may become 60/40 or whatever.

          Really, to ensure he isn’t able to come at you and drag you in to a mess is to get legal advice and binding financial agreement or consent orders settlement drawn up and stamped. Then his financial innumeracy won’t impact you. But if you can get some of his super top, why not?

          I ended up doing very well in my settlement and pushed it through while he fucked about playing newly single “DILF”. We didn’t go to court or anything like that. There wasn’t enough in the asset pool to make it worthwhile (a lot like what you’re describing). So I spent about $3500 all up getting legal advice and their communication to him and drawing up consent orders. And I got half the equity in the house and a shit ton of his super too.

          And please note. Consent orders are the ONLY way to seal the deal permanently. These can’t be overturned. But a Binding Financial Agreement can be overturned after it is made. So it’s worth making sure you do CO route otherwise ass face can come at you down the track and bleat about how unfair it all was. Hope that all makes sense, it’s really hard to explain in a short post.

          Where do you live? If you’re Sydney based I can recommend a great lawyer!

          You have to

          • Sorry. Noticed you said you have seen a lawyer. They may be right about there being fuck all assets so it’s not worth the effort of legal proceedings BUT it’s bad advice in that you can’t extract or stop being implicated in his mess WITHOUT a legal property settlement in place. A binding financial agreement costs about $1500 to draw up but it is like a written contract that states the terms of your property settlement eg Lady B has the house and mortgage, Ass Clown has his cars and debt, both leave their super intact etc etc. The advice you have been given does
            Not factor in what happens if your ex decides to seek legal advice and happens to get a ruthless lawyer who tells him to go for it. Fine, there may not be equity in the house now, BUT it’s a considerable asset to have and over time value could go up so equity goes up.

            Has your ex said he agrees to be taken off the mortgage?

            • Hi Zhuchi
              Thanks for taking the time to help, much appreciated.
              Yes ex wants off mortgage but in order to do that I need to refinance and am not in the position do so currently. Most likely December but he threatens going Down there and telling them he wants out. Facts and legal process mean nothing to him it’s all about his wants and when you Point out facts he thinks you are having a go at him, he’s a fuckwit.
              Lawyer said to avoid stamp duty on property I need to get a consent order.
              Asshat cannot afford a lawyer only legal aid and honestly he couldn’t organise his way up of a wet paper bag, Lots of talk little action.
              We are in South West Aus, property market is pretty stable atm.
              He wants me to take his super as he some who thinks he will then be able to get hold of some to pay debt which I don’t think he will.
              I doubt he will be able to access credit now for 5 years or so.
              Could I do
              Could I get this binding financial agreement drawn up even though I’m not ready to take over mortgage, could it say I Pay mortgage until ready to refinance? Want to protect myself from being liable for his financial stupidity.

              • Forgot to add he is under a hardship agreement with credit provider so he pays zero interest until September. I’m pretty sure that this is binding and he can’t just move the debt to personal loan consolidation.
                I hope so and its knocked back.

              • Lady b, I’m not sure about Aus law, but my (very basic) understanding here in NZ is that if you have a formal separation agreement (property) he can borrow all he likes and can’t touch your side of the pile. That of course does not mean he can’t lose his – so can you get any kind of agreement that gets him off the mortgage/title? Is the fact that you are paying the mortgage alone now of any help in this case? Your equity sounds like it is rising whilst his is declining? Or are the savings joint property also?

                Is your lawyer treating this with urgency? It is urgent. All the best.

    • Yip. Call the bank tomorrow, with account numbers ready, and tell your banker everything. Protect your stuff. And make your banker your best friend.

      • Had it tonight he came to the door to drop the kids back and started in on bullshit and slamming my family. I lost it and shoved his shoulder down the path. Fucker threatened to go to the police, so I got in my car and went myself, fortunately got the the same officer who was at the desk when I went in December, when he was giving me constant shit.
        Game on parasite, don’t fuck with me, my kids or my house.
        Police have given three day order we can’t go near each other for three days, thank fuck.
        Worked out how to finally delete his three email addresses when they hit my inbox and number fucking blocked.
        Need NC with this POS, driving me up the wall. My blood boils when I see him. You fuck me over with your lies. I lose my job now you fuck with my house, self centred cretin.

    • Lady B,
      QueenMother has good advice. I seem to recall that he was your long term partner (not married) and so the legal stuff wasn’t related to a divorce per se, but just regarding child support and a separation of co-owned assets.

      If your house is jointly owned by both of you, it is conceivable that he could use it as collateral to a personal loan. I do not have any knowledge of AUS or NZ law in that respect. But it’s a generally universal principle that secured personal loans require some kind of collateral.

      He seems to have tapped out his unsecured loan ability (credit cards). So I would definitely let the bank know what is going on to protect your interests.

        • Done. Got restraining order paperwork. I will be setting out on Saturday the limits of his access to me. Not coming to the house, not abusing me through txt and email, which wont be happening as he is blocked. He if cannot abide or dismisses it out of spite I will be getting a restraining order. I don’t want to do this straight off as it is a pain in the ass for me. Hopefully the threat of leave me the fuck alone or else works or I will be back in court next week.

    • DO NOT LET HIM HAVE ANY ACCESS TO YOUR HOME OR CREDIT LINE.

      He’d take the money then “forget” to make the payments or be too poor or any excuse he can come up with, and guess who’ll be stuck with the payments.

      Let him suffer and you go live your life without his crap in it any more.

      • He would absolutely do this, he is just burning through life and I fear dragging anything and anyone with him.
        Going to bank this morning.

        • Rang the bank this morning and the loan would be unsecured so house cannot be used against loan. Even if it was a secured loan there is no equity in it anyway and he would need me to approve it as the home loan is co sign. Small win for the little guy.
          Shits getting real got to stay ahead of this clown as he circles the drain.

    • I don’t know Aus laws at all, but I would think if he defaults on a personal loan, a lien could be placed against your house, if a judge were to sign off on that, even if the house was not used as collateral for the loan, but it might take some time before it got to that point. I’d think a wage garnishment would occur before a lien, if he has job.

      Good luck finding a job that allows you to refinance in your name only (or allows you to get a rental).

    • I dont know what to advise you, but 2 days after dday, I learned that nowdeadcheater was about to apply for a loan claiming we were a couple and then leave. I was all ready to call the loan officer and share the whole truth so that more debt would not be incurred

      • Mine was trying to get me into debt before I found out the truth of his double life. I would then be bound to him and not be able to leave. Debt is a form of slavery as we know.

  • I received a thousand texts telling me that if I would just admit his cheating was my fault he would forgive me and we could reconcile. And he would forgive me for all the tears I made him cry. Needless to say that didn’t happen. They are all such tools.

      • I’m to blame also. I emotionally abandoned him and cheated on him 20 years ago when we where friends and he wanted to be my boyfriend but I was happy doing my own thing, yup, can’t make this shit up. Now because I won’t consider reconciling he’s trying to strip me of anything worth a dollar, wants the fucking lawn mower and kayak. Feck off. He would have me and the kids on the street if it meant he got a few grand, he really is that grubby and small.

        • They’re all such spineless little shits.

          During my divorce, in one of my EW’s requests for another chance, she wrote, “We both just need to swallow our pride.”

          WTF pride would she have swallowed?!? None. I would have done all the swallowing, choking down that shit sandwich.

          But, in her world, which spins around her, I had wronged her by not condoning the affair. And then AGAIN by…you know…leaving her skanky ass.

          You can’t reason with people like this. Don’t even bother.

  • Verbs are action words. That’s why his are missing. He plans to take no action to change. I seriously doubt he even fed the dog, but if he did I can hear the one-sided conversation he held with a favorite all-forgiving friend called Dog. It would start with ‘aww that selfish bitch forgot you…Just like she forgot me.’
    Emails are too much contact for this pancake perv!

  • He cannot deal with her anger, bitterness and blame. She cannot deal with his cheating, lying and gaslighting!

    • Gonegirl,
      That is bog-standard cheaterspeak.

      My exH said to me ” It would be a lot better if you could be more reasonable about this”

      “Reasonable!” I said ” REASONABLE !! You sh@g another woman in our bed and I’M the one who’s supposed to be f ***ing REASONABLE !! What are you smoking ffs !!

  • Excellent start to my day! Spot on and boy, does this sound ever so familiar!!!

    “I am extending you a sandwich. But it has lice.” HILARIOUS – can’t stop laughing!

  • You know, the drivel Janice’s husband is spouting out sounds exactly like the drivel the RIC spouts out.

    I think the Shared Blame Lie, or whatever Divorce Minister calls it, is about the must harmful advice out there. I spent a lot of time (no longer, do, thankfully) accepting blame for my ex’s sinful ways. He never admitted wrong doing, and never repented from it. He didn’t learn anything and due to the lack of real consequences will likely sin again.

    I know another couple at church where the man committed adultery and it’s the same story. It’s a secret, and his life goes on just like nothing ever happened. This does not help the men spiritually, and it doesn’t help the women at all.

    For the record, the chump is skinny and cute and looks like a teenager, in addition to being a working woman and great mother and homemaker. I wonder what blame her husband tries to shift to her? Crazy, right?

    • You see the “shared blame” in a lot Patrick Carnes/12 step mentality. Wrongo! Never share the blame for what a low down, lying scum bag does!

      • OK. So put this in different context. You share a house with a roommate. You both signed a lease agreement. You come home one day and all your stuff has been smashed with a hammer. You are mortified to see your grandmother’s lamp laying in pieces on the floor. All your sentimental things are ruined. You can’t imagine who did this and at first think it was a burglar. Later, you find out it was your roommate, who smiled and said “have a good day” as you were leaving right before she smashed your stuff. When you confront her, she tells you to accept your part of the blame because you made her feel inadequate when you said her soup was too spicy. Of course, she never mentioned that she was super sensitive about criticism of her cooking. So of course, it’s your fault you drove her to smash your stuff. It had nothing to do with your roommate’s inability to communicate, or handle anger in a productive manner. Can’t you just forgive and forget? And why are you so vindictive and bitter as to go around telling people what your roommate did and ruining her reputation? You really have a lot of work to do to get your roommate to agree to come back and live with you.

        • Lyn, you do sound very bitter and I think you need to forgive and forget. Your [hypothetical] roommate obviously was not getting her needs met, so of course she needed to smash all of your stuff.

        • Spiciness of soup if it was a problem should have been addressed in the roommate agreement…. Bahahahaha

    • This happened with the church I USED TO attend too. Ex cheated. He was allowed to stay on as leader in a young boys group. Ex cheated and he lied to me, the pastor, other leaders and everyone he told “his story” aka Narc Smear Campaign against me, his “crazy” wife. Its disgusting churches are run like this.

  • After having told the kids (14 and 18) that the reason for the erratic behavior and him not coming home in any condition except for completely obliterated and/or high, he states that “you have done so much damage… maybe you should try to love the kids more than you hate me” Ha Ha! Wonder what that quote translates into using the UBT?

  • What​ a douchebag.

    There’s so much projection on his part in those texts, he might as well be a multiplex theater with 3d IMAX screens.

    • Nanki Poo,

      “There’s so much projection on his part in those texts, he might as well be a multiplex theater with 3d IMAX screens.”

      Love it !

      ROFLAO

  • NOOOOOOO! Don’t do it Janice! Don’t take one iota of the blame for this fuckwad’s behavior! He cheated because he wanted to. He cheated because he could. End of story.

  • I’ll save all the chumps the $199.99 who are looking for the magical RIC internet downloadable course- {On sale today! Paypal accepted!} – that will give them the spell that fixes their marriages.

    What is the only thing that keeps a man from cheating?
    Himself.

    Thank you. Payments to the left of your browser. Or make checks payable to….

  • First, I think this is my favorite UBT ever!!!

    Also, the irony is classic — “I want to be back together and you don’t, Janice, so you make lots of changes or we might not end up together, that’s not a threat, that’s a promise!”

    Bwah hahaha!

  • Janice should not have been hurt, upset, angry or bitter by the cheater’s cheating! LOL! Maybe next time……she won’t let it bother her.

  • Sorry cheater dude. Cheating is NOT a “marital problem.” It’s a low down, lying, deceptive cheater problem. A moral problem……a lack of integrity problem!

  • According to this prize winning asshole/cheater- Janice tended to her child’s needs Which kinda….sorta of …drove him to cheat.

    • Sadly, this appears to be a common refrain by these soul-suckers — though, many are loathe to openly admit it (because they KNOW it’s horrendously infantile and would make them look like the assholes they are).

      So, instead, we get the load of crap that “you didn’t just care for our children like you should, you OVER-cared for them and neglected me in the process.” Underlying all of that is simply entitlement. They want full attention at all times. But, even then, it’s not enough.

      There is not enough attention in the world to fill the gaping hole in their souls.

      • I had the nerve to give birth to our son on the day before H’s birthday, and thus I was unable to be at home giving a party for him. Poor thing. He was also jealous of the attention I gave this (3rd) child of ours.

        • Sheesh, these people are sub-human. I’m so sorry you experienced that.

          I once told my STBX he had effectively ruined the four most important days of my life (3 births, plus wedding day). While I have absolutely zero regrets (quite the opposite) about having my kids, I certainly hate hate that he put black marks on their days of birth.

          To this day, just thinking that a person would ruin the birth of his/her own child is profoundly shocking to me.

    • When we brought our daughter home from the hospital, it drove my H nuts that I wanted to hold her and take pictures of her and was generally completely enamoured. Oh the horror! He acted like such a dick, I couldn’t understand it.

      Finally, after another snarky remark, I looked at him and said, “You’re being such a dick.She’s a baby! I carried her for NINE months! What the hell else am I supposed to feel?”

      He just lookdd at me.

      He did become a great father, but I never forget that. And I play it back whenever I start untangling the skien of fuckupedness. (Then I stop!!!) He didn’t act like that when our son was born, but he never changed ONE diaper for him. Passive aggressive, much?

      I guess I should have taken that as my sign that his entitlement and selfishness really had no bounds. But lucky me, he showed me in spades!

      Oh yeah, and I didn’t want guns in the house.

      Fucker.

      • When we brought our son home from the hospital my husband was jealous of my breast feeding him. He wanted to be there while I did it, and take pictures–just of my breast and the baby, not with my face. We had a hand off schedule for work, and it seemed he was out to sabotage my breastfeeding–he’d give the baby a bottle before I got home, not just a little but a whole bottle, and I’d be left with aching, full breasts.
        Fast forward 28 years, and saboteur tells me he’s transgendered and wants to take hormones so he can grow breasts. He wears women’s lingerie to bed and wants me to play “lesbian.” Along, of course, with wanting me to penetrate him and punish him..because, he says, he’s a masochist. It’s like he’s cheating on me, but with himself!

          • Thanks for the validation. I’m thinking of writing Tracy/Chump Lady as a representative wife of such older late transitioning autogynephiles, because having one’s husband turn into his own “other woman” is a surreal twist on being cheated on–he brings her into the bed, has a prolonged tete a tete with her in the morning in front of me (diddle, diddle dumpling….), insists that I must understand his need and welcome her, like it’s some kind of threesome, and says to the extent I can enjoy him as a woman we have a future.

            • Alison–I am so sorry that you had to endure undermining of so much of your married existence. It’s beyond the scope of a Lifetime movie (and not in a good way). Hugs.

  • Keep up the good work, Janice! Don’t respond at all to those texts.

    Congratulations on your fine parenting–your choice to pay attention to the needs of your literal child while the metaphorical one was stomping his feet and demanding all the time and attention shows your character. I hope you are able to “forget” about your EX-partner as fully as he has already accused you of doing.

  • It is remarkable how alike the words they preach are. When mine asked why i wouldnt accept the olive branch he was extending i told him because another women sitting in the tree wasnt working for me. This tool wants me to now be the other women. Seriously? I have a hard time with wanting her to know who she is dating. Anyone have experience with telling the new supply. Showing them his texts and how that went?

    • NOtoOliveBranches

      My EX did the same thing – sending me Texts “I miss you, come over for a glass of wine” etc. texts.
      I screen shot and sent it to her. She was so offended and actually told me “I won’t put up with that shit” and soon after – she went back to her husband. He of course actually had the guts to blame me for their ending of the affair – crazy shit!! And guess what? 3 years later – she cheated on her husband again with my EX, and they are now a couple again.

      If I had to do it all over again? I would not have told her. Let her find out what a cheating asshole he is. All it does is prolong your healing. Move away for the crazy…

      • Funny, NTOB, skankboy did the same thing. He wanted to get together over coffee to discuss how unhappy he is in his current situation. Idiots, all of them!

    • After I left JAMF, he was trying to line me up as his side piece. I teased him (cause fuck you, cheater & OW#5), but shut that shit down. When I discovered he was fucking around on OW (#5), I died laughing. There were at least 3 OOW that I know of. ???? I kept that to myself. Unlike OW5, I had no clue what/who I was dealing with. No way would I clue that cocksocket in. But I’m petty that way. ?

  • “I’ve been confused, stupid, naive, and weak.”

    And dishonest. And fucking another woman. But yeah, mainly confused – especially about vaginas and which ones I’m not supposed to be playing with.

  • This is brilliant, CL!

    You just UBT’d my cheaters’ emails almost word to word! I was supressing the urge to scream Yes!yes! As I was reading this in a subway car. Mine would have that same turn of words. My goodness, my inability to take the 50% of the responsibility, my attempts to domesticate and control him, his current need for basic love and no more romance because he does not need this anymore, withdrawing attention to him and directing it to our son, let’s forgive and forget on my conditions! Ugh…

    Thank you CL. Reading this and laughing now, 1.5 years post DDay1. I recently re-read one of his emails he sent a few months after DDay and had the same reaction. Really, cheater? That’s all you can master? But at the time I was confused, sad, and still had a few months of unsuccessful pick me dancing ahead.

    Thank you for this education!

    • I wonder if his “no need for romance” means she’s not to expect any from him? What a deal! Accept the blame, forgive the cheating, plus now Romance is off the table. To reconcile, just submit to his basic needs and feed the dog. No thanks! He’s not worth it.

      • At the time, while pick me dancing, I asked him what can we do (I can do) to re-ignite that spark between us that he claimed was no longer there. I was always sexually attracted to him. He was trying to convince me there was no spark for a long time. So his olive tree branch offer was “maybe we should practise tantric sex…I read Sting was practising this with his wife of 40 years…” and I went on researching what the tantric sex was about and then enthusiastically discussing it with him. If it kept popular Sting faithful to his wife for 40 years, then it’s definitely a winner! Arghh….mad with myself now when I recall this humiliation he put me through.

  • What a withering turd of a human. Exceptional UBT on this one, CL. My favorite part of his letter is the part where he extolls the virtue of forgiving and forgetting while simultaneously refusing to forgive and forget the things that he claims forced him to cheat.

    I got a similar song and dance from my ex: “You made me angry and did terrible awful things that forced me to find refuge with other women / Why is it so hard for you to stop being angry and just forgive?” I would point this out and it would seem to resonate with him in the moment, but the very next day he’d sweep that inconvenient shit under the rug we’d be back at square one with the “you made me!” crap. It As CL says, there’s no room for cooperative victory when the game is rigged against the Chump from the beginning.

  • “I am extending an olive branch. But it has conditions.”

    I love the hubris of cheaters; they do the unimaginable, detonate a marriage and a family, then deign to say they’ll accept US back if we will just fulfill conditions X, Y, and Z. About a month after D-day, I said I wanted a divorce. Hannibal BEGGED for therapy instead. When it came time to actually book a therapy appointment, he gave me a list of changes I would have to make before he would got to MC. The MC that *I* did not want. Laughable.

    I went all Gorgon on him, and told him the marriage needed a mercy killing. Begged me to calm down for 3 days and then make a decision. Decision: Divorce. He begged again for MC, so I sent him the contact info for a therapist. Called me and AGAIN issued conditions I would have to meet. (He don’t learn so well.)

    Blameshifting is more important to cheaters than food, water, and air.

    • I got that, too. “So and so convinced me to give you another chance…”

      As if…I was the one that needed another chance after he cheated.

      • GetMeFree–it’s hysterical in hindsight, isn’t it?

        Searched my email and found this gem from my X the day I filed on him. Apparently, he thought I was just firing a warning volley,

        “As I reflect on it, and I have spent a lot of time thinking, what I need to know (or at least feel confident about) to be able to help you and us is that the old Tempest will come back to me, that the past can be put aside, that we can recover ourselves and focus solely on our future happiness and that of our children. I can be — I am prepared to be — the best husband you ever could have. I mean that.
        What, I guess, I need from you is a commitment to try your absolute hardest to do whatever it takes to get over this and focus positively on the future with me as well as a decision to do your very best to let the past go….”

        Well, he got his wish. I let the past (him) go.

        • Of course he used the royal “we”, they never own their stuff. My ex also tried to reel me back in with emails that used the “mistakes were made” and “we are both hurting”. Seemed to me that I was the one hurt, he was getting what he said he wanted a divorce. They can never own that the cheating is only on them. We did nothing to cause them to make those choices. It was them and their bad character.

          • Ha! Mine also sent me a 2min video with the magic word “we”… with the hidden message. This is from a guy that would endlessly scream that by using “we” I was killing his individuality and there was no “we” but “you” and “me” two distinct indivuduals…after he was floored with my determination to end it “we” became his favorite pronoun.

        • Tempest, did he also tell you to change your spaghetti cutting habits and move that fucking creamcheese container from his way on a fridge shelf?!!!

        • Tempest, that long paragraph is filled with empty promises aimed at making him sound as if he is the better person and you are the one holding back the reconciliation. Gag.

          I actually have the conversation where STBX said that he was giving me a second chance recorded. He wanted to talk to me after the stepdad of his young girlfriend had come to see me. My gut told me to record the conversation. I didn’t get anything loaded but there are several REALLY disordered statements by him that I have replayed on occasion to remind myself to never trust or believe him ever again.

          And at one point he says the girlfriend comes before EVERYTHING (meant to jab at me because one of my complaints had been that the kids and I weren’t a priority in his life). I then asked him if she even came before his kids and he said, “yes, everything”. That is probably the only thing of value I could use, but I probably won’t need that anyway as he doesn’t want any custody…just a little visitation a couple times a month when it suits him.

          • Well-played, GetMeFree! I don’t know if the tape recording is legal to use in court in your state, but it sounds as if it’s pretty good leverage for a better settlement/visitation arrangements.

            To receive the messages we received (my email, your phone conversation) are gut-wrenching at the time as an indication of how little we mean to them, but from a distance I find them a fascinating expose of their disordered little minds and wordsmithery/mindfuckery.

            And empty promises, indeed; my X could no sooner be “the best husband [I] could ever have” than every pig in the nation could sprout wings and fly. I could pick any man at random from a city street who would be more emotionally warm than my X.

  • Also, I can’t help but notice the absence of any assurances (even though they would be lies) that he won’t do it again. The closest he gets is “I don’t think I need romance in the way I did,” AKA “I don’t think your horrible unsexiness will compel me to cheat again.” Just sorta, “hey, I probably won’t cheat again – even though it’s your fault that I did – isn’t that enough for you?”

  • Once they lose all control over outcomes, narratives, mailing addresses – they scream, “you’re so controlling! You always control everything!” The whole time the affair was going on, unbeknownst to me, he would seethe at me about how controlling I was. It made ño sense to me, he was never home, always on his phone, not present, evasive. I would just burst into tears of confusion and nausea, he’d Calle me a drama queen and rage out the door. The projection onto me of everything he was almost broke me mentally.

    • I got the “you have too much control over me” line too. Of the litany of ridiculous excuses I got for her affair, this was probably the biggest one, as in the end it was obvious that not only did I not have any control over her, I didn’t even have any influence on her. I was the last person in the world on her mind.

      Also you are right about projection. Instead of appreciating the fact that they usually have control over 80-90% of our marriages and their lives (including over us), they focus on the 10-20% that they didn’t control – they focus on the one or two (usually minor) things that didn’t go their way, and of course they then tell us that we were too controlling.

      And somehow they use those few instances as fuel to get mad and then create their own alternate realities. It’s impossible to make sense of at first, and that’s why it’s so hard for us initially to figure out how they can possibly say things like “you were too controlling.” But once you figure out the projection angle, then you can at least start to make some sense out of the nonsense.

      • ^^THIS!!!^^ My ex made literally every important decision with no regard for my or the kids feelings. I moved where he wanted; I gave up a career I loved to take a crappier job that was more flexible so I could do all the childcare, all the housework AND work full time. I went ten years without a vacation or even a birthday or Christmas gift. But, I was a selfish controlling bitch for things like saying “my house” when talking to my friends and asking him to take his shoes off when he came in the house all filthy from his extracurricular outdoor fun that I never got to be involved in because “he needed to relax”.

        • yes, this….any complaint or independent decision was “defiance”. When I hired a photographer to come to the house and take a family portrait, I had “overstepped my bounds” in my own family in my own fucking house !!

        • I sign under every sentence here. Move. Leaving good career for a so-so job. Referring to the house as “ours” which drove him nuts. No birthday or christmas. All housework and child rearing.

          No shoes though. I wouldn’t dare. He would actually come in while I was mopping and walk over and I would quietly mop after him…

          And I was controlling! Aren’t we all the same?!

        • I heard the same shit whenever I said “my house” as in “take your muddy boots off before walking into my house” instead of the house. My reply always was “It’s my house when I’m the only one cleaning it”. And he still always walked around with his muddy boots, I mopped 3 times a day and my mopping annoyed him while he was sitting in his layZboy…Then he claimed that I cleaned the floor all the time because I enjoyed cleaning…
          Today I got my freedom papers, settlement signed, I’m FREE!!!!! Now it’s up to me to decolonise my mind,

          • Kiwi, congrats!!!! So happy for you! I am on the way there but it may take longer! It’s one foot in front of the other and we’ll get there. I’ll meet you at Meh!

      • Same. Control. Too much attention raising the kids. Too independent. I didn’t think you loved me narrative bullshit.

        These soul suckers are not original.

        • ^^^yes! Again I am amazed and how much the same these cheaters are…ANC, I got all the above you mentioned and the “I didn’t think you needed me anymore”…what a fucking joke! ? Jeez, I have really come to realize what a childish, insecure and yet selfish man that I married…I know many here must feel the same.

        • I was magically transformed from “overly dependent on him and not ambitious and not self confident” into “overly independent and uncooperative and arrogant and egocentric”!

          Sometimes within one sentence! What a transformation I am!

          • When he explained my horribleness to me, it was quite a list and I just sat there listening, so he had quite a wide berth…

            He started out telling me that he had to leave me because I was “too holy” since Im a Catholic mom who cares for dying children for a living (adding that he “couldnt compete” with that…uh who is competing?) and towards the end of his multi hour rant, he informs me that he has to leave because Im a sinner …because I had sex when I was 19…with him. eyeroll

      • bingo. You just described my life. Great post Chump Lady – I LMAO at “He can’t see the hookers for the trees.”

    • My girlfriends sent me this quote right after #keithisafucker (true friends make up hashtags for cheating ex’s) moved out

      “When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth just like you did”

      what better way to control how others see you than to label “You” controlling. I have no idea how many times I heard I was controlling. Yet he was able to sleep with countless hookers around the country… hmmm…. pretty sure I wasn’t controlling that! Their asinine reasoning skills are mind boggling.

      • Yes, I was so controlling he managed to fly to destination hookers. You cannot make this shit up. No one would believe it.

        • Ditto with my ex. He said after DDay that I was controlling. What the what??????? Obviously I had no control at all over his secret double life. He also indulged in destination hookers, after all he was a V.I.P. It does seem unbelievable, but its all true.

          • What the hell. Before all this happened, I didn’t even know that specialist hookers that people would fly across the effin’ country to see was a THING. Was I just completely naive? How widespread is this kind of shit? and God help us, how many men are really doing this sort of thing? Their lives are like the last fricking days of Caligula. I could barely fit in a shower some days between work, kids, housework, and keeping everything going and he was on twice monthly jaunts for fetish satisfaction.

            • I didnt know what Tinder was until I discovered it and the contents on his phone. Still could not believe what I read. Contacted a friend and received a black and white explanation.

              • Moving around the merchandise,like in a retail setting. Something new and shiny… “Oh, I didn’t see that last week when I was in your store.”
                Makes me want to puke

    • Oh hollowbunny….I so relate to your response. Sorry that you and so many of us here have had to go through so much emotional trauma and pain…it is just awful. Just thinking about my Fuckwit at times can make me feel like there is a brick on my chest…but at least I no longer cry over him…fuck him and all the cheaters out there. They don’t deserve us and most likely never did.

  • This guy sounds like my ex. “Hey, don’t you know I’m special and you have to work hard to keep me? I’m willing to forgive you for making me cheat, as long as you forget what I’ve done and commit to feeding me kibbles!”

    The cultural standard “let’s not blame” is ridiculous. Let’s all just be nice and let people do what they do. No judgements, no blame, no standards, only empathy for what they are going through. Cheaters love this crap! Of course only when it applies to them!

    It seems there’s some confusion when it comes to Romantic relationships, the misconceptions being…

    Blame equals persecution
    Consequences equal revenge
    Appropriate Anger equals bitterness
    Self-respect equals Unforgiveness
    Forgiveness equals friendship

  • This post is Chump Lady GOLD! Thank you for the morning laughs. I wonder what hookers charge to make pancakes?

    🙂

  • For me, the most stunning part of this cheater’s “logic” is the base assumption that what they had was so wonderful she would even consider trying to stay together.. So much so that he wants to negotiate terms.
    Delusional! GOOD RIDDANCE!

    • Yeah. She’s like “Please don’t talk to me by phone and only contact me if you absolutely must discuss our child,” and he’s like “you know, if you grovelled enough I might deign to take you back.”

  • Janice, if there’s a response other than crickets, it’s this:

    “Take your olive branch– and all its conditional fruit– and shove it up your ass hole.”

  • OH boo fuckity hoo. He wants his cake back, that’s all. Please Janice, just disregard THE DEPTH OF MY BETRAYAL.
    This UBT is a great example of a mindfuck and why no contact is essential for healing.
    Absolutely nothing here but a conniving fuckface narc.
    Run.

    • This is perfectly stated. When I think about what it took for Fuckface to get to an affair there was never any thought of my wanting him back. Just eeeeewwwwwwwww.

  • Whether it concerns a marriage, a mortgage or a business partnership, reneging on a legal contract by which you willingly (and hopefully, thoughtfully) promised to abide is a purposeful decision guided by faulty thinking, a defective character and zero personal integrity.

    Somewhere along the line, these individuals unilaterally decided that following through with that contract is now optional rather than mandatory, regardless of the outcome and/or how their choice to disengage can completely change the trajectory of the other part(ies) involved.

    It is only when THEIR trajectory is impacted that some of these people realize they’ve miscalculated and now the wind is blowing undesirable and fetid excrement back on them.

    “Oh my, it seems I misjudged how my spouse/mortgage lender/business partner would react to my deception… unfortunately, they’ve noticed I’m following a different set of rules and have a problem with it. Now I have to deal with this sizable inconvenience which, of course, they’ve caused by having such high expectations of me and being so honest and demanding! As much as I don’t want to, I’ll go back to them and extend an olive branch. I’ll act as if I’m something other than the morally bankrupt person I really am, say I got ‘off track’ for a time but I’m back and ready to recommit to my marriage/home loan/business venture. With my top-notch negotiating skills, I’ll be very convincing. And they’ll be so gullible, it will appear as if all is well, I really mean what I say, and they’ll give me another chance. Yes indeed, this is like an excellent plan!”

    Bottom line:
    People who lie, cheat and steal suck.

  • What is it with these assholes? Every single one of them suddenly starts telling the chump they are controlling (and in most cases abusive). And I guess they have to use that rationale because every one of them lays the blame at our door. Projection.

    Good for you not answering those texts Janice!

    • Projection! Even perfectly normal adults do it on occasion (before they call themselves on their own bs and make amends)

      Fuktards are fulltime projectionists.

    • Yep standard line’you have controlled everything i ever did’ ???? So asking me to marry you getting me pregnant 3 times and dragging us around the world twice for your ambitions was me controlling !? Add to that mind fuck he told me ‘i thought you said you could read my mind’ when i expressed my shock at his overnight decision to tell me he wanted a divorce. I have wasted so much time trying to construct the email conversation which would get him to see things from my point of view / logical/ common sense but i can understand now that the aim of his communication is to block any avenue that leads to him owning any part in wrongdoing .

  • “Please feel free to accept as little or as much blame as you see fit.”

    No joking … that is exactly what I would have responded to that smorgasbord of idiocy and not one word more. “Now piss off.” would be a lovely finisher, but No Contact dictates keeping it implied.

      • Lol … this is what makes No Contact so hard for me. It would be fun to occasionally lob a bomb in his direction and know that he is stewing and too stupid to have a good come back. I still relish the memory of a few comments I directed at him while he was still living here. Awww, the good ole days! 🙂

        • I know what you mean lol.
          In reality silence infuriates them as well, especially after the stupendous limp dick offer (no pun intended bwa ha ha ha ha) Janice’s cheating fuckface whorefucking fucker presented to her.
          Ugh they are gross I hate them all.

  • Revealing how he thinks of accountability as blame and control. That’s his whole shtick. All of his rationalization points to fact that he doesn’t think he should be held accountable, and the only way he’ll take responsibility is if Janice takes some of it. I guess in his twisted sociopathic little brain he wants her to admit that he was provoked to cheat. Also, he thinks Janice should be held accountable while he gets immunity. If you read between the lines that’s what he really wants. And the only reason he would accept some responsibility is if she shares it. That’s not repentance. That’s a deal.

  • Hilarious and spot-on UBT. I literally laughed out loud several times. I really needed a good laugh. Thank you, CL!

    As usual, the Cheater-Asshat Playbook seems to be in action with Janice’s ex. My love-bomber recently apologized for having been (mostly emotionally) abusive to me and the kids throughout our marriage. Within days he was reminding me that he and I “just aren’t good together” and that I “had issues too.”

    Well, yeah — abuse somebody long enough and you probably won’t like how they respond. These assholes want someone who will say “Thank you, sir, may I have another” after they’ve been abusive. It’s insulting; it’s vile; it exposes a horrendous lack of simple human decency.

    More of that? What’s a stronger way to say “oh hell no”?

    • Crickets. Give their bullsh!t only crickets

      Even responding with “oh hell no” gives them:

      1. Kibbles
      2. Centrality
      3. A platform for their rebuttal (like Janice’s prize letter in today’s column)
      4. Confirmation that you drank some of their poison (even if you have the antodote – “made you drink, ha!”)

  • Janice, honey. Bad news: someone blew up your marriage. I’m so sorry. That must hurt like crazy. Good news: the person who did it is also crazy. So very, very crazy that he is willing to let you dote on him if only you’d overlook his crazy. Sane can’t speak to crazy, but crazy does have a way with words. Block his texts and make him go through a third party if there is an emergency. I hope you get the dog.

  • Good grief! The entitlement of this POS is strong. Good for you for kicking this fuckwit to the curb. Janice, you deserve soooo much better. We all do!

    Cheater ex didn’t even try to spin a web of bullshit since he knew that cheating was the ultimate deal breaker for me. He just set out to destroy me in any way possible. He didn’t succeed.

  • My favorite part:

    “I’ve have been confused, stupid, naive and weak.”

    Where are my pancakes❓‼️? I need keebles nobody loves me anymore. Who will change MY diapers when I get old ?❓

    • What an offer for Janice!!! A confused, stupid, naive (fucking asshole), weak man!!!
      What a prize catch.
      And a flaccid penis is just icing on the cake with this dumb ass. ???
      Naive? Really? No, you simply thought THE chump was naive here, that she wouldn’t find out.
      You banked on it. Like a true narc, they cannot perceive a threat or consequences from their actions.

    • Fico, one of my friend’s biggest fear of me taking him back is related to diper changing down the road…she is good with everything but #notodiperchanging!

  • Lol! A few days after he left, in the middle if the night, with no notice, in a cloud of lies, mine said to me, “Your anger is ruining everything”.

    These jackasses are really all the same.

    • It is all about entitlement, everyone else should follow rules, but I don’t have to, and there should be no consequences. Any consequence is just you being bitter and angry.

  • Playbook to a T. IF ONLY you weren’t bitter and angry then we could get over this, until……next time. I am entitled to do what I want, YOU on the other hand are here to make my life easy to glide through so that I don’t have to do shit like feed the dog. huh? smh RUN FOR THE HILLS

  • Did anyone else notice that the Fuktard’s letter in no way addresses Janice’s request for No Contact.

    Like even a little bit.

    It was merely a platform for his mindfukery.

    Which just highlights one of the many excellent reasons why No Contact is essential for Chumps. Chump Lady has a lot of antidotes (and kickass anecdotes) for us, but why drink poison?

  • LOL!

    Short, truth-FULL, concise responses DESTROY a Cheater:

    Cheater-

    We are moving forward with the separation agreement and subsequent divorce based on the vows of marriage you broke. We and our lawyers will meet and discuss this, as scheduled, on Tuesday, the 27th of June.

    -Chump

    • (I wish we could edit, if only for a short time!)

      “Short, truth-FULL, concise responses that UTTERLY IGNORE their socio/psychopathic narrative DESTROY a Cheater:”

  • High level UBT in a nutshell:

    This asswipe is basically blaming his son for the cheating, therefore blaming his son for the demise/end of the marriage and asswipe leaving the house.

    Think About it. Nothing could be sicker than that.

  • So incredibly sorry Janice has to deal with this spineless no-pancake-deserving king of the blameshifting jerks but it made for a hilarious article. I needed this laugh today. Hang in there Janice! Keep rocking the NC and maintaining your boundaries. He doesn’t deserve to know you let alone to demand a thing from you.

    • Oh, and give that asshat cheater a bitch pancake for feeding the family pet dependent on humans for food and shelter. Seriously.

  • Oh my gosh, the UBT is my favorite!!! Tears are streaming! …. pay no attention to Chicago’s absence. HAHAHAHA!

    I’m not accustomed to so verbal a cheater, but I now realize I’m thankful I didn’t have to listen to and filter all of this BS. It’s overwhelming!

    The only thing similar to this was what I got when I called ex a few days after he got served (at the OW’s house). The OW’s father was my co-worker, who was unaware of the deal, and kept joking with me at work about how much time ex spent with his daughter. I got sick of trying to pretend it was funny, so I called ex to tell him that if he didn’t address it, I was going to. He answered my call with the following words, “What the hell did I do now?”

    I hung up and I’m pretty sure I haven’t called him since. That was October of 2014!

    • I tried to get in touch with my cheater husband during our separation (he moved out to “think”) because I needed to inform him that out 16 year old son had slit his wrists and need help. When he finally answered my phone call I got the “Geez, what do you want?”. He was at his girlfriend’s house and was angry I dared to disturb them. I should have just hung up and handled it myself, like I had been doing anyway.

      • How I would enjoy taking the razor and slitting your cheater’s dick into thin slices then shoving them into his whore’s mouse to enjoy!

      • OMG It Is What It Is!!!

        I am so sorry! 🙁 Your poor child, so hurt and his father couldn’t be bothered…I hope his father came running to his side and helped him.

        I hope your son is well now.

        Omg…I’m so sorry.

  • Ugh, my cheater could have written this! I’m just over a year past D-Day and a few weeks since the divorce became official. I’m also happily in the land of meh. It feels amazing!

    With it, I find that all of these posts sound like a broken record. Cheaters are pathetic. They don’t deserve us. The sooner we realize that, the better.

    I happened upon a text interchange from a year ago between my XH and me, and it was so much like Janice’s. He continually complained that I wouldn’t accept any blame for what happened and that I was “guilt-tripping” him by telling him about how sad his cheating made me, because of what it meant for our family.

    Fuck that.

    I’m SOOOO happy to be clean of that. Divorce sucks, but life with a deceitful, superficial gaslighter is much, much worse.

    Oh, and I got to keep the dog.

    • IN my experience most cheaters can not take care of anything that requires love and work. Fuckface not only walked out on me (and our beautiful kids) but the whole menagerie of fuzzies we owned as well. So that poor dog….

  • A true sign of his character in how he completely ignores her message and babbles on with his agenda of I, I, I, I, I. As a friend of mine used to say “I don’t find him attractive, his I’s are too close together”.
    Spot on as usual CL.
    Janice your message was concise, calm and completely adult, I really admire that. The difference in the blame shifting, selfish, whiny, negging communication he uses us substantial.

  • This UBT is so perfectly timed (tmi) and happily received!
    BAHAHAHA How did you know he can’t get it up!!!!

    It has been at least four months of this BS.

    I don’t know where I’d be without the laughs in the morning.

    I loves ya CL and CN.

    Will post more later, at work.
    Janice

    • It has been a source of amazement to me how many cheaters, due to physical health issues, or porn addiction or whatever, are not able to get it up. Even so — they cheat. Makes you wonder what the willing wonders OW are enjoying in the relationship? The guilt? the sneaking around? Do they actually enjoy a life of BJ or HJ? That stuff was for foreplay in my youth and was never considered the main event. It maybe was used instead of actual intercourse for some other reasons — but really???? For Twu Luv? To throw away your family and half of your assets? To lose a good and loyal spouse? Talk about CRAZY! I stopped trying to use reason and logic and unravel the skein because of this type of issue. Who needs a lukewarm semi-erect hunk of cheating mush? Who needs someone you cannot count on to do the right thing, or make a decent decision, or help you in any way? Not this chump!!!

      • Right?? What IS with all the ED in Limpdick Cheaterville? I remember complaining to a girlfriend of mine about the lack of sex, so damn ironic. One of my most satisfactory moments in leaving my cheater was dumping his (extensive) collection of Viagra and other hard-one enhancements down the garbage chute. I know, I know, I’m so terrible for defacing his sildenafil.

        • Mine had a hard time finishing. After I found out about OW, I assumed that it was because he was finishing elsewhere. Well…I just received copies of his credit card statements from the past year. He has been buying supplements to enhance his sexual performance. Lol. Just what a girl who just turned 25 wants in her 46 year old man! Guess he isn’t finishing with her either…

  • Good Lord, Janice… I’m exhausted just from reading his drivel. I couldn’t imagine having to actually listen to it pour out of his mouth.

    What stood out for me is this little gem: “I was happily controlled. I didn’t know what to do and how to go about things.”

    My UBT on that is: I was happy letting you pay the bills, take care of Son, be the adult… until I wasn’t. Then, even though I didn’t have any basic life skills, I found a way to hide money… lie to you and mindfuck you… and cheat on you. Sadz.

    I think I need to go take a shower with a wire brush.

    Rock on – Janice… don’t look back!

  • I think that man’s wife appliance is malfunctioning! It’s unconscionable that he should have to put up with that kind of inconvenience!

  • Grrrrrrr.

    A cheater’s mindset is so hypocritical. They want “forgiveness” for having an affair, but won’t “forgive” US for ‘making’ them empty the dishwasher or taking out the trash. Instead of forgiving us for those ‘transgressions’, they have an affair, as if having an affair is equal to or lesser than ‘making’ them miserable by ‘forcing’ them to empty the friggin’ dishwasher.

    And most of the time, we’re unaware that they’ve been harboring a grudge against us for DECADES.

    I say, give ’em a dose of their own medicine. Kick them to the curb for their ‘small’ betrayal!

    • Yep, apparently me READING messages to the whore and SPYING on him was much worse than him whoring around. Snicker….

    • I grew up with personality disordered parents who could keep a grudge like no one you ever knew…the word “forgive” was never ever spoken in my home. Nowdeadcheater was absolutely lacking in forgiveness…any mistake I ever made would be brought up over and over for my whole life.

      and yet they virtually demanded that their errors be forgiven and forgotten since that was the decent thing for me to do. My mom, who was as mean as a viper to me for years is not sure Im going to share deadcheaters life insurance with her since she has mostly run out of money because refused to work ever.

  • Here is the biggest mindfuck….”You are a wonderful woman, very attractive, I never tried.” “It wasn’t you, it was ME.” “I think of you often.” “I try to stay happy, always. I’m doing as good as be expected/”

    Someone, PLEASE UBT this shit! Hopefully, it will help Janice! RUN, Run as fast as you can, it’s NOT the gingerbread man! It is a fucking, lying, skankass, loser who possibly subjected you to a possible STD!

  • It’s funny how cheaters are so agitated about the words Chumps use to describe the “situation” (or in my x’s case, the “mistake”) but don’t give a thought to the words they actually vowed.

    Words. Sometimes you mean them, sometimes they’re just pleasant sounds.

  • “I don’t think I need romance in the way I did. Things have changed for me. I spoke to you in person about that.”

    This is troubling, I can take this two ways. Neither are good. When he says he doesn’t think he needs romance the way the thought he did, is he referring to OW? That he thought he needed a romance with her, but now he’s changed his mind? And he’s not even sure about it; he says “I don’t think I need” instead of “I don’t need.” Does this mean that next week he might change his mind and decide he needs romance with OW after all?

    And if he’s not referring to OW, is he suggesting that he doesn’t need romance with his wife? Is he unilaterally making the decision to not offer romance to his wife, just assuming she is not interested in it? It may be that he is indeed interested in romance, just not with her; after all, it was extra-curricular “romance” that detonated the marriage.

    “Lets face it, romance was never our strong suit. But we’re both getting older and I don’t think that’s as important as the support we can give each other as we grow older and the basic human love I know we feel for each other.”

    Ugh. “Romance was never our strong suit?” Really? Did he put as much energy into romancing his wife as he did chasing OW? Is he a Cluster B who is unable to love, who quit trying with his wife after the Idealization phase ran its course and then put all of his energies into recreating the Idealization phase with OW while keeping his wife in the Devaluation and finally the Discard phase? Now that he is getting older he needs someone there, maybe even someone that he has no romantic feelings for, to meet his needs for emotional, physical and financial support. Maybe if there is someone there to offer this type of support, it may even free him to take a foray back into romance, but not necessarily with the wife, because if was “never our strong suit.”

  • From someone who was ghosted, almost completely, this leads me down that terrible path of wishing he had at least tried.

    • Had he tried and been sucessful, it is most likely you would have had one of two outcomes:

      1. Another D-Day

      2. Cheating driven so far underground that it never saw the light of day

      At least this way, you won’t be fooled again, you don’t have to deal with the mindfuckery and you are on your way to healing. When someone shows us that they are not interested in a relationship with us, the best thing we can do is pay attention and heed the warning.

    • I get that . It is easier to regent than feel rejected even when you are being rejected by a narcissistic jerk. Hang in there, you are not alone!

      On another note- I called a friend I hadn’t talked to in awhile yesterday and told her I had received cheater’s answers to interrogatories and they were full of lies. Her response was: Everyone lies. I still can’t get over her saying that. Does everyone lie? That was hurtful to me. I think maybe cheater believes his lies so he doesn’t consider them lies but I still feel like rational people can see he is mistaken.

      I have a lot of evidence to counter his lies. I never lied to him in our marriage; I may not always have been kind but I never lied to him.

  • This is Not A Test,

    satan did both…ghosted me for a couple months…I had no idea where he was…

    Then, of a sudden, there he was…for a hot minute he was almost the man I had loved for 36 years…then…he stared meowing at me instead of talking… ugh, so many awful things he did! I was so broken I was silent (I felt like a ghost)…then he started beating me. Broke my finger while growling in my face (I almost peed down my leg and lost consciousness it hurt so bad…and I couldn’t get away). Eventually he broke 4 of my ribs while pounding me off the floor and falling on me, dead weight. I was so sick in everyway…I just gave up… 🙁 …then he put his hands on me a fourth time and enough was enough…I called 911…

    …so…I don’t know really which is best, I just know that being physically abused is not…no.

    We are better off away from anyone that claims to love us and then treats us like this. I am glad you are safe. Keep your head up. It gets better, I promise 🙂

    • Satan is the proper name for that loser, Jeep Tess . he doesn’t deserve to live on this earth, only in hell.

      • (((((((Anita)))))))

        🙂 Thank you 🙂

        I hear things from those that we both know…and I see him drive by…and sometimes he reaches out via stupid texts…yeah…I think he really might be in hell…

        But, the last time I was in the same space with him, he said he was in hell, soooo????

        No makin em happy I guess?

        Leave em to it. You want it, you got it satan. I’m OUT.

        Scary, painful, nasty, not something I, or any of us, want or need in our lives!

        …nasty pieces of flesh these guys/gals. …ugh…

        We are free of them!

    • The people on here are so kind. Thank you for responding.

      Jeep, I am relieved you escaped with your life. I wonder what “yours” was up to when he disappeared?

      I was about to discern little bits and bobs about his life, and for a while, I was frantic and played private eye.

      The OW now has a serious drug felony conviction- is now a felon. She had small potato stuff before she slimed onto the scene but he escorted her into felony territory. This is who he was cheating on me with and why I kicked him out- drug use and her presence in his life.

      When I told him I would not ruin my life for him and do drugs, he went and found someone who would.
      What I knew would happen to me (criminal repercussions, legal issues) – happened to her.

      I just have to frame it that he did me a favor by ghosting me. He is a vortex of chaos and lies. I only wish him misery in this life and any that exists on another plane. Forgive?

      That’s hilarious. I would not give him a drop of spit if he were burning alive.

      • ((((((( This is Not a Test)))))))

        🙂 Me too sister! 🙂 I’ll probably never be able to straighten my little finger again without surgery (?) but, I’m all good and I’M OUT 🙂 WHEW!

        And Beau is safe and happy and (don’t tell him I said this k?) ROTTEN SPOILED 🙂 (Beau is a rescue…he was abused his whole life – vet said he was 7 – 9 when I adopted him…while I find that hard to believe…I’d have to hear WBilbo confirm it to believe it. He is so ACTIVE 🙂 …plus…he saved me from possible spinal injury…I will always be grateful to him.)

        I don’t know what he was up to while he was gone…I imagine he was runnin between all those ows but? I no longer care. All I know is I no longer have to suffer the anxiety, second guessing myself ‘did I do it right?’, worrying I spent too much on what ever, will his head explode if I ____ (fill in the blank…cut my hair, work overtime, talk to the neighbor, plant the garden without a chalk line – yeah…that really happened too 🙁 )

        Run sister, run fast and far and never look back. They get worse with age…truly they do. 🙁

  • I really LOVE UBT posts, because it’s so much safer to decipher what someone else’s jack-ass is saying than to read it on your own phone or in your own e-mail or face-to-face with the freak you thought you loved (maybe still have lingering affection for.) Our relationships were so dysfunctional and it’s so hard to not fall into manipulations by the people we thought we could trust. But when you go NC, and you practice cheater-speak or OP-speak with someone you’re not triggered by, then you can start to recognize patterns of absurdity.

    This just takes the damned cake, though. My goodness–the entitlement is just jaw-dropping!

  • His drivel is so textbook and common. Mothers best not love their children too much lest their man-baby husbands get jealous. Spouses best not age or show any human weakness or illness or their partner will deem the union joyless and seek greener grass and as much of the joint assets as they can extract.

    I long for statistical data on the number of fair-weather user losers versus decent human beings that actually value their partners, as the former seems like it may actually be the majority.

    Statistics on marriages drop every year. Millenials don’t even bother as the next great catch may be only a tinder swipe away. What a weird world it’s going to be in 20 years, a bunch of aging singles living a lonely life dreaming of their glory days.

  • What a weird world it’s going to be in 20 years, a bunch of aging singles living a lonely life dreaming of their glory days.
    -A seed for a fascinating book. I think you are right.

    Young people do not date anymore. The man driving up, ringing the door bell. They have lost anticipation….kissing and shutting the door…longing for more…..your heart singing when the phone would ring!

    I know it is often misguided to romantic the “good old days” but in this case, it is correct.

  • “But NO, Janice. You have been a vindictive little cunt. #wherearemypancakes”
    Thank goodness for the UBT’s superpowers of perception to see through this thick bullshit storm!
    Only the UBT could come up with this line. Genius.

    I also heard about the poor Traitor not wanting to be a penitent forever, to quote the MC. Except that there had been NO penance, no remorse, he proudly announced he was not ashamed, with a sneer, in MC. He refused to set any boundaries with the whore. We were given a worksheet to go through separately to draw our boundaries in relations with people of the opposite sex and he announced that he would have been ok with all to those in the old days, but not anymore, and he was not going back. He refused to do the homework.
    Cue the MC to say he doesn’t want to be a penitent forever.
    Clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, who couldn’t tell the difference between boundaries and penance…
    MC with a cheater is a waste of time and money. Spend the counselling money on getting help for you.

    Janice, your cheater is not repentant, he doesn’t want to make the effort to reassure you and comfort you, he doesn’t want to give you the time to heal. He doesn’t care about how you feel. I am sorry you are in such a sad situation. It sucks, it hurts. At least you’re here and you have CN’s support, our gallows humour and potty mouths. He doesn’t respect you. Respect yourself. Hugs.

  • Oh yeah and if you have to prompt them to do said homework, fucking nothing to work with, seriously.

  • “Lets face it, romance was never our strong suit. But we’re both getting older and I don’t think that’s as important as the support we can give each other as we grow older and the basic human love I know we feel for each other.”

    “I find the woo-woo-woo factor exceedingly low with you, always have, but I think you would be a good candidate to change my diapers in my dotage.”

  • OMG, I seriously thought for a moment that I must have sent in this email in some sort of Ambien-induced fit of rage that I have no memory of. Because parts of this email sound exactly like my X, down to the very same words in a few passages.

  • Loved this ubt! I just laughed and laughed.

    I had one of these type of BS spinners. They put so much thought into the shit they say trying to sound coherent that when you call them on it or don’t have the response they anticipated it’s a real blow.
    Cause you know it’s alllllll about them.

  • Omg! Did you go through my email and steal my “was-band’s” emails?!?! It’s like he wrote this himself. I’m glad and sad to know it’s not just me.

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