Janice sent a long volley of cheater texts to the Universal Bullshit Translator on the theme of Janice’s inability to appreciate a fabulous reconciliation offer. It’s a small thing the cheater asks of Janice — stop being “angry, bitter, and vengeful.” Perhaps if Janice could quit being a controlling harridan, she might have shot here. But hey, he’s not going to do therapy, that “joyless eternity of contrition.” So let’s skip right ahead to forgiveness, shall we?
What a charmer!
Janice emailed him:
I noticed the last few days that you are phoning me. As requested, please keep our communication via email. If there is an urgent matter involving grown Son, logistics or the house then text is appropriate. I hope you can understand that no contact is important. It is necessary to begin a new stage in our lives.
Let’s put the cheater’s reply through the UBT.
I guess so. I just noticed you left Dog and wanted you to know I fed her. Also, you don’t answer my emails all the time and I was wondering where you are at with where you are living.
I don’t feel good about you moving out. I still wonder if we can work things out. You would need to just forget the past and let it go.
I don’t feel so good about you moving out. Now I have to feed the dog by myself. WTF is up with that?
I can’t deal with your anger and blame. That’s the problem for me. I think there’s plenty of blame on both sides but I could start again if we just forgot and forgave.
The problem isn’t that I cheated on you, the problem is your anger. You blame me for doing this thing that I did! Instead of directing responsibility to yourself, for making me to do this thing… that I hid from you and lied to you about, that you were unaware of until recently, that you shouldn’t be angry about… which is your fault.
I could start (cheating) again, if you just forgot and forgave (would remain a chump).
The most you admit is you looked away. You’ve been uncompromisingly angry, bitter, vengeful and sometimes vindictive since the day it all came to light.
I didn’t really think I’d get caught, but this is not going down at ALL as I imagined it would — you being all vengeful and frothy at the mouth. (Spittle is not a good look, Janice). Instead, I thought you would greet me with pancakes, and a benevolent smile, and softly coo, “Let’s say no more about your hooker habit. More syrup, Darling?”
But NO, Janice. You have been a vindictive little cunt. #wherearemypancakes
I’ve been confused, stupid, naive, and weak.
Low blood sugar will do that to a man.
Here I am. Alone. Left to feed a dog. #tooweak #morepancakes
Neither of these is what we are. It’s just how this whole stupid mess has evolved. I still love you. That has never been an issue.
I didn’t cheat on you, a mess evolved. Passive voice. Who made the mess? Does it matter? (Okay, it was YOU, Janice.) Messes happen. They mutate. Like errant cells in unsterile Petri dishes, messes can morph. Until they become undulating phosphorescent blobs that escape the laboratory, swallow whole cities, and have to be put down by the National Guard.
I still love you. Pay no attention to Chicago’s absence.
I don’t think I need romance in the way I did. Things have changed for me. I spoke to you in person about that.
I can’t get it up.
Lets face it, romance was never our strong suit. But we’re both getting older and I don’t think that’s as important as the support we can give each other as we grow older and the basic human love I know we feel for each other.
What’s important is the support you can give me as I age. I don’t find you fuckable. I do, however, think you can change a bed pan.
I know you’re capable of that though, in truth, you haven’t shown much to me, no matter what you think, in the last few years. I know there have been challenges, but you took me for granted and forgot about me. Son was the one that received all that. I don’t begrudge him. I love him too.
You gave my kibbles to a CHILD. And forgot about ME! I don’t begrudge him my kibbles. I’m just going to sit here and hold my breath until I turn blue and you’re not invited to my birthday party.
There has also been a controlling aspect in our relationship which is why I think you’re so angry. You were able to control me in many different ways and your lack of interest in me and its inherent dynamic, was a factor. I was happily controlled. I didn’t know what to do and how to go about things.
I didn’t know what to do or how to go about things. However, if you suggest that I do something or go about things you are controlling. A condition that makes me happy. Which I resent you for.
Is the mindfuck working?
The model for that was undoubtedly your mother and father. But I’m not your dad…he was putty in your mom’s hands. I never was.
I AM NOT PUTTY, Janice!
If you can accept me for who I am and not try so hard to be in control that would be a great start.
Accept me as a man who has no idea HowTo Do Things! I may be a blithering fuckwit who knocks over Petri dishes and stands by while messes evolve (YOUR messes, Janice!), but I will NOT be condescended to!
Try not so hard to hold me accountable. That would be a great start.
The problem with all the stories you’ve built up over how I’ve done you wrong and how I was such a terrible husband to you, is that they’re half truths. You get the details right, but always, the context is missing.
There’s a proper context for “serial cheater.” You can’t see the hookers for the trees. You’re all about the details, and not the big picture.
And the most crucial part missing is, ironically, your ability to introspect.
And my inability to use verbs.
I’ll have to introspect on that.
It’s like you just can’t allow there to be any fault put on you or the whole house of cards crumbles. Absolutely no wiggle room at all.
It’s maddening the way you won’t take responsibility for my cheating. The House of Wiggles is crumbling.
I am extending an olive branch. But it has conditions.
I am extending you a sandwich. But it has lice.
I won’t accept total blame for everything. I think the best way to work this out is to start with forgiveness, not the prospect of my penance for eternity. That’s why the therapy didn’t work for me. I was fine with admitting that I had done wrong. I wasn’t fine with taking all the blame with a joyless eternity of contrition only to look forward to.
I think the best way to work this out is to forgive me and say no more about it. I’ll let the pancakes go… for now. I won’t have a joyless eternity without pancakes however.
If you can shoulder part of the blame, we have a chance. But if you are hell bent on blame and control, and you’re going to stay stuck in anger then there is no hope for us, and we need to move on the separation agreement etc.
The dog needs feeding, Janice. I can’t do this alone.