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A Chump Independence Proclamation

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freedomIn honor of Independence Day here, I’m rerunning this guest blog post by KibblesNBits. Have a happy holiday everyone and VIVA la independence!  

Dear Chump Lady,

In honor of what will be yet another difficult holiday for some. I have re-written the Declaration of Independence for Chumps everywhere. Thank you for all you do! Happy Independence Day!

Our Declaration of Independence
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the bonds which have connected them with a cheating partner, and to assume the powers of freedom, to which the Laws of Values and character entitle them.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all who have been cheated on are created equal, that they are endowed with unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness — That whenever any Form of relationship becomes destructive, it is the Right of the chumped to alter or to abolish their relationship, and to lay a foundation as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. It is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such an abusive partnership, and to provide a new life for themselves and their children’s future security. –Such has been the patient sufferance of the chumpted. To prove this, let Facts of a cheater be submitted to a candid world.

They have broken the bounds of marriage and commitment.
They have blame shifted and gas-lighted their partner info believing it is all their fault. Thereby inflicting emotional abuse.
They have recklessly spent monies secured for your family and children.
They have called together family and friends for the sole purpose of feeding them a false narrative and moving them into compliance.
They made their partner/spouse vulnerable to disease and sickness.
They have obstructed the Administration of Justice, by lying under oath, and spreading false witness against their partners and circumventing the law.
They have made partner/spouse dependent on their will alone, taking advantage of their empathy and using it to fuel their relentless desire for cake.
They have created false records, email accounts, craigslist profiles to troll for hook-ups and have enlisted their allies to cover their tracks.
They have kept among us, in times of peace, enough tokens of affection to keep us in our place, and in a state of confusion.
They have frozen our assets and cut us off from our family through alienation.
They turn our children against us for the purpose of feeding their own ego.
They declare themselves falsely sorry and falsely invested our relationships only to continue to cheat.
They have plundered our lives, ravaged our self-esteem, burnt our love to ashes, and destroyed families for the sole purpose of self-gratification.
Our repeated pleas to change have been answered only by repeated injury.

We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, and their actions in contempt and adjudicate responsibility upon them.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of Chumps, solemnly publish and declare, That we have the Right to be Free and Independent; and have full Power to stand up in courts, demand child support, counter their false narrative, and to do all other Acts and Things which bring peace and stability to our hearts, minds and families. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to support each other and provide council to those who have been newly chumped. To light the way toward the land of Meh.

Signed,

KibblesNBits

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Love it! Done in a great tradition of protest–from the original to the Declaration of Rights and Sentiments and later. People don’t seem to get the degree to which cheating is abusive and e=damaging, but this elevates the cause. I am still totally devastated by my own situation, but I ever day I feel more and more like the independent me I was before this shitshow of my marriage. Can’t wait to be independent again!

  • My cheaterpants texted me last night upon hearing fireworks to lament how depressing it was to hear them since we aren’t watching them together. I didn’t respond but it’s infuriating I’m trying my best to move on after the devastation he’s caused and he has the nerve to keep reaching out. Ugh!!?

  • I am home today, my children are with me and we are going to have some friends over to celebrate the 4th. Cheater is with schmoopie doing an activity that I did not enjoy with him. So why does it bother me that he didn’t love me? Why do I feel like I was the failure because he didn’t love me? Odds are he doesn’t love her so why is there that nagging thought of :what if he does love her and I was the problem? Am I disordered for thinking this way? I have plenty of evidence he is a narcissistic fuckwit.
    Holidays were tough with him and now they are tough without him. Ahhhhg!

    • Feeling it, no, he doesn’t love her, he only loves himself, they don’t miraculously become prince charming with someone else.
      I think of all the holidays and celebrations I worked so hard to make special without help or appreciation from X.
      He was like a wet rag unless it was his birthday or the conversation revolved around him.
      Trust that he sucks.. and always will.

      • So true Brit, he never complimented me or our kids on anything. Niceness was awkward and arrogant flowed constantly. He hasn’t flipped a switch.

          • I’d almost forgotten, being nice for X was awkward.
            X never complimented me or our son on anything, but his condescending, sarcastic remarks disguised sometimes as “jokes” were never ending. Arrogant is a good word to describe him.
            Now that I think about it, I think he hated celebrating holidays or anything that didn’t revolve around him.

            I would decorate the entire house for Christmas, set up the tree, lights and garland on the stairs, mantle and the porch he’d never say it looked nice.

            I don’t miss his stupid sarcastic remarks, or looking at him and see him sulking, feeling sorry for himself.

            • Yep, it is a known fact that narcs love to destroy holidays and make everyone miserable and/or stir up shit or play sad sausage role to ensure the focus remains on them, even if it is in a negative way. So happy I don’t have to deal with that anymore!!! Happy 4th, CN!!!

      • I so agree with all of you. I’m alone today. It feels miserable, but then I remind myself that if he were here, sure the kids would be around, but then I’d singlehandedly plan everything, do the shopping (and pay for it with my own money), coordinate the timing, cook, and clean, while he relaxes and plays video games. I hardly enjoyed holidays because they felt like unappreciated work. Without my ex, I feel appreciated by my kids. He sucks. He took and took and never complimented or thanked me. This loneliness is better than being overworked and unappreciated.

        • JustAnotherStatistic, I was you a year ago. My divorce became final June 15, 2016. I moved to where I grew up on August 1, 2016. When I moved, I was very much alone. This year, I went out and got myself a lawn chair so i could go to the free concerts and plays in the park near me and of course last nights fireworks, too. I have met nice people, some live right around the corner from me! Don’t be afraid to get out there. It is not like the high school dances we were so petrified to attend. We don’t have to care what anyone thinks and we have absolutely nothing to prove or try to impress anyone! Just get out there, your new life doing things you never imagined is waiting. Trust me, it is scary fun!

    • Feelingit, take a few moments today to sparkle. Create some
      festivity about your person. And tonight;
      whether you are watching fire works or hanging out with a few sparklers. Take one for yourself. Pick the most bad-ass one in the sky and say, “That’s for me”. Or light one and do the same thing.

      This holiday is focusing you on your losses. You are so mighty to have gained your freedom.

    • FeelingIt–YOU were genuine; you had a real connection to the fuckwit. That doesn’t disappear overnight. Your brain and heart need time to re-calibrate.

      Write down a 1 page list of crappy things he’s done or said, and read it until the feeling of missing him passes. Disengaging from the marriage you thought you had requires realizing the marriage you actually had. He’s not capable of real attachment, only need for novelty! and sparks! and superficial glitter! Fuck him. You and the kids have an authentically good time, interacting with each other & celebrating without a weight on your happiness. Hugs!

      • Thanks, Tempest. I needed a good idea to get me through today. The “firsts” are hard.

        FeelingIt – I understand, totally. It’s hard to separate from the man you thought you had, even when he was just imaginary.

        Brit – Gagg would be the one to decorate, but still always managed to be a curmudgeonly ass through everything that was supposed to be fun. My sons and I pick-me-ed so hard for so long. You’d think parting and saying goodbye would be easier.

        Happy Independence Day, Chumps. We deserve it. XOXO

        • GigiG, It should be easier to say goodbye after years of pick me dancing, their lack enthusiasm at everything that’s supposed to be fun among other things.
          Our brains are programmed to believe we had the relationship we thought we had and the X was who we thought he was. We believed they were our best friends, we made a commitment to love and be with them for the rest of our lives, we had their children, as normal people we thought of them as our family and the one person who we could count on. Their behavior isn’t normal, it’s confusing for Chumps. Just remember that the only thing you can believe is to trust that they suck. I’m not completely at meh but I’m just about there.
          It helps to list all the shitty things they’ve done and know that someone who loved you would never hurt you or abandon their family.

      • “Disengaging from the marriage you thought you had requires realizing the marriage you actually had.”

        Ouch! When a comment makes me wince or tear up, I know it rings true for me.

        I take no responsibility for his demons and narcisstic behavior, but damn I have to wonder at myself for putting up with his bullshit for so many years.

        He tells me I’m not the woman he married. Maybe he’s right. I’ve been beaten down, abused, taken advantage of, humiliated, gaslighted, lied to, deceived, and treated with contempt. All the while being honest, faithful, accommodating and raising our daughter essentially by myself.

        He says I’ve been “sitting on my ass”
        for 15 years. No, I’ve been teathered to this house for 15 years doing what needs to be done, much of it mind-numbing — Muber (aka Mom Uber), parent volunteer, shopper, chef, housekeeper, dog walker, nurse, counselor, coach, cheerleader, and social director. Aren’t I the lucky one??

        I’m the one that loved working. I’m the one that misses being part of a team, using my mind to be creative and solve problems. I miss the rush of deadlines and business meetings and travel.

        And our daughter? In the midst of her family meltdown, hurt and disgusted by his betrayal and ongoing relationship with AP, frustrated with my pain and anguish, she has managed to keep her head on straight. She’s bringing home straight A’s. She’s embracing high school, hanging out with the right kids, doing her sport and choir.

        Yes, her success is the result of my “sitting on my ass for 15 years.” And he thinks she’s done — “we’ve done our job.” As soon as she gets her license, all she needs is room and board. The hard part is just getting started. He’s fucking clueless. Always has been.

        What a fool I’ve been. That I participated in the charade we called a marriage. Slowly, I’ll regain my strength and confidence. I’ll find my true self again. And my daughter will see me as a whole person, not just a devoted mother and abused wife.

        Once again, I’ve turned a quick response into a rant. It’s so cathartic. Thanks for listening. I love you all.

        • Eagle,
          Thank you for posting this. It gave me a glimpse into my future.
          My kids are three and five. Part of me says “Stay for their sake. Will it really be better to leave?”.
          Your post answered my question. This does not improve with time.

          • Differently chumped, it’s incredibly daunting thinking of leaving with such young kids. I know because I contemplated it at times and chickened out, hoping he’d eventually respect me again or we would rekindle our relationship when the kids were older. Ultimately he left for OW when my boys were 8 & 10. Believe me, the marriage won’t get better. At least start exploring what you might need to do or consider counselling for yourself. Good luck.

          • I made a list entitled ‘I should have left when…’ then copied that sentence out ending it with a different reason each time. I thought I would probably create half a dozen sentences. Wrong! I straight off did 37 sentences of ‘i should have left when…’ ending each one with a different reason listing all the shitty stuff my STBXH narc has inflicted on me and the kids over the years. The earliest examples date back 27 years which is 5 years before we had kids! What the hell was I thinking to ever have maintained this relationship for so long and why didn’t my alarm.bells go off much earlier?
            So, no, it doesn’t get better, it just gets worse until you suddenly wake up and realise your while marriage has been a lie which is probably the narcs biggest mindfuckery success.

          • I left when my oldest kids were 3, 2 and 1. It was actually a lot easier without him, even though I was terrified and full of doubt. Yesterday (July 4) they realized it had been a year since they last heard from him. They are now 12, 11 and 10. The past 9.5 years, they have had a much healthier home environment than they would have otherwise.

        • Giddy Eagle, your horrible ex would have put you down whether you were the stay at home parent (and doing a great job of it too, carrying his share) or working. Mine criticised how long it took me to finally find a career path I enjoyed, and so when I had to study at night after work and putting toddlers to bed, he would come home late, demand to know what was for dinner then play his flute (badly) even when I begged for quiet to study. He sneered at me for “fucking around” while others finished their training years ahead of me. Nothing we do could ever be good enough, and yet success just enrages them more!

        • Giddy Eagle my asshat also thought we were done with kids ages 13 and 16, asked why they were such a priority , and why couldn’t we leave them alone every weekend to hang out at the racetrack with his buddies.He thought it was now his turn to get my complete attention, and when he didn’t get it he
          found a childless homewrecker who would. I love the idea of writing all the bad things down during those sad times when I “fantasize” about our old life together…

        • Giddy Eagle,
          YOU are mighty
          and your daughter is a credit to YOU.
          Xxxx to you and your precious child.
          ❤️

    • “Cheater is with schmoopie doing an activity that I did not enjoy with him”

      Do not, for one moment, think that had you done activities he enjoyed, he wouldn’t have cheated!

      Cheaters cheat because they want to… because they are selfish pieces of crap. The fact that he’s off doing what HE enjoys with his new smoopsie, is a demonstration of this. Yeah, maybe smoopsie enjoys it too, but there will come a time when she doesn’t enjoy something… and guess what??? Yep, selfish cheater will probably find someone who does, because to cheaters it’s not about compromise and commitment… it’s just all about them!

      The one true statement through all of this that my cheater uttered “If it wasn’t her, it would have been someone else, it had nothing to do with her!”
      How is that for a display of glorious narcissism!

      Trust that they suck!

      • The moment she disagrees with the cheater or doesn’t enjoy whatever activity he’s into at the time, will be the beginning of his list of resentments. Cheater will look at her differently, become more critical and justify his need for something new and more deserving of his charm.
        She disappointed him and he will make certain she pays and he wins.

      • Doesn’t matter. We did everything he wanted. None of what I wanted. Hell, I went on a scuba diving vacation and I don’t scuba dive!

        • Which, would have been miserable for you just watching all the wrinkled wet bodies water-logged, coming up. Not exactly sexy.

          The X and I scuba-dived for over 20 yrs. All vacations revolved around it. Hell, he was my best buddy. What could go wrong?

    • Feeling it – Trust that he sucks!! He is not better with her. She is now eating the shit sandwiches – the same ones you have saved yourself from! You have moved on to a better life. Sometimes things can appear better in the rearview mirror, but that is just an illusion because they fucked with our minds SO MUCH. Keep moving in the direction of Meh…you are far down the road and You are mighty!

    • It’s been 5 years since my husband of 40 years left me for his married coworker, and 2 years since our divorce was finalized.

      I’ve done a pretty great job of sifting through a massive pile of emotional wreckage, creating a new path for myself, and have almost arrived at the Land of Meh. Honestly, on 99 of every 100 days, I’m in a very good place, happy to be free of the lies, cheating, gaslighting and manipulation, and am now living an authentic, safe and high integrity life.

      But… every now and then, when I’m lonely and really miss being held and passionately kissed, I start to ask questions… you know the ones I mean… the questions that serve to confuse rather than clarify, the questions that have no answers, the questions that keep you gazing behind you instead of looking forward:

      What really happened?
      How did we get here?
      Why would he throw it all away?
      Am I so unlovable that I deserved this?
      Why did he stop loving me?
      Wait, did he ever love me?
      Or maybe he did, but he just loved HER more?

      Friends, DO NOT PASS GO! Ding ding! Stop the madness! It’s nothing but a mental clusterfuck!

      Thanks to what you’ve all said here (in response to Feelingit), I’ve been reminded once again of the unvarnished truth: No, he didn’t love me. And no, he doesn’t love Debbie in Accounting either. He is damaged, shallow, self-absorbed and simply incapable of “loving” anyone other than himself.

      Bottom line: This was never about me.

      • I appreciate your perspective. I’m in a good place, too, but not as far along. One year since separation, divorced since May. I’m at meh.

        Someone here recently wrote something that really resonates with me: cheating is not a sign of a marital issue; it is a character flaw in the person who cheats.

        So yes, the questions suck. I too still wrestle with how fake our life was (for HIM, not for ME). But ultimately, the questions don’t matter.

    • Feelingit – trust that once the sparkles wear off that schmoopie will be stuck doing activities she doesn’t enjoy earthier. And that feeling you have of wondering if it was you will be the feeling that she also has. That is because that is exactly the way he wanted you to feel and it is the way he will make any person he is with eventually feel.

      That is how they maintain control. And it is always about controlling their victim.

      Focus instead on the day you have with your kids and get lost in having a good time with friends. You deserve it!

      • Taking a quick break from preparations for our gathering and you all make me feel so much better. You have been there, you get it and I am not crazy no matter how many times he says that.

    • If that’s how cheaters and the disordered love — lovebombing until they get bored and then moving on to the next object of desire — honestly can we still wish that kind of love upon ourselves? Aren’t we deserving of a love from a true and stable, one of whom we can really trust, one that shows their love and dedication not only in words but in action, over and over again without fail? After seeing how STBX truly loves, I can honestly say their love is like eating junkfoods – delicious and addictive, but devoid of any nourishing substance and actually dangerous to our health.

    • Feeling It… hang in there. Feel the feelings but stay grey rock/no contact. You have feelings because YOU WERE INVESTED IN YOUR MARRIAGE. Mr. Fuckwit was not. Trust that he sucks.

      I lived through two July 4th celebrations since my final d-day in 2014. He was with the OW and her kids and I imagined them snuggling on the blanket and ooohhhing and aaaahhing to the fireworks because that it was we did IN THE BEGINNING. Then I remembered, ten years in, he would be wandering around the party with our friends and kids looking BORED. And that is what you need to remember… he’s got sparkles right now… but then they fade and the boredom sets in and the abuse heightens for his entertainment.

      It will get better. I promise. And, like I always tell my son, promises made… promises kept.

      You’ve got this. Go love those kids and your fireworks tonight! It’s Independence Day.

      • Thanks everybody for these responses. They are helpful to me to as I am in a similar place. It is hard enough being left, but even harder being replaced. It is hard to realize that she is now getting the sparkles that I used to get and difficult to believe that they won’t last for her as he seems to think they will. Knowing that he once felt the same about me doesn’t help.

        It is also hard to think that there are people who will be happy for them must as they were once happy for us and thought us such a great couple. That, I think is the hardest of all to take, that others might thing they are a great couple too.

        • People can think whatever; reality is he did suck, does suck and will always suck. No couple he is part of will be the perfect, golden couple. Ya know, cause he’s 50% of it.

  • Feelingit, trust that he does suck, she’s just cake he only loves himself. You are not the problem he is. You take five minutes to think of all the shitty things he did then don’t let him take up anymore space in your head today. Go be fabulous with you kids and friends and remember you are mighty!!

  • This Independence day has a whole new meaning to me. As of June 30th, 2017, after 792 days and 6 court dates, I obtained my true independence from my stbx and now he is official just my X. He gave in, and signed the papers and we are officially divorced!! True independence if you as me!
    .
    If it wasn’t for this sight I would of lost it!! I will continue and stay here because you are my family.
    Happy Independence day to all of you.
    Red Star rising has finally rised!

    • Lovely!! Those fireworks tonight are for all of us here and I know I will have some tears in my eyes … thankfully they will be happy ones this time.

    • Woo hoo!! 792 days!! GOOD FOR YOU!!! You give me hope – I am only at 35 days… and I am sure we will go to trial. I am celebrating your independence with you!!! BIG HUGS!

    • Right behind you, I think! In my state, 31 days after filing the settlement agreement, the court is supposed to sign off and make it official. 31 days was Saturday, July 1, so I’ve got my fingers crossed the court was open Monday and I am officially divorced, just waiting for the paperwork.

      Like FeelingIt, I’ve been unusually blue this past weekend. Not that I want him or the marriage back – I think I’m just beating myself up for being such a blind chump for 40 YEARS. At least I got our adult children in the deal – they barely speak to him (because he can’t pick up a phone or email, waits for them to reach out). Daughter is getting married next month in Europe – her dad wasn’t invited to the wedding, but her younger brother and I will be her official witnesses. Also ex’s brother & his wife are going, as are another family we were very close to when she was growing up. So, I got the important remnants of the marriage – the family and the dogs! I’ll celebrate today.

      • McJJ, my son is getting married here in France too in a couple of weeks. Sadly the ex is coming but he will be put firmly in place by my family if (more like when) he gets out of hand. Enjoy the wedding.

    • Congratulations RedStar. Thank you for being here and helping me hang on to my mightiness.

    • Feelinit… I feel this way too. Like I’m missing on out on something. Although reflecting it was 10% fun stuff and 90% misery

  • Happy 4th, CN!! And a standing ovation for Kibblesnbits!

    My tradition the past 2 years has been to say that I rejoice at being separated both from Britain and from a cheating Briton. Except this year I can’t be bothered to think of the fuckwit long enough to celebrate detachment from him.

    fireworks

    • Cheating Briton, huh? Rhys is Welsh and English – do they just think we Yanks are easily won over because they’re foreign?

      • I suspect cheaters think everyone is easily won over. And sadly, there may be some truth to that ‘foreign’ appeal; I have numerous examples where my X’s accent got him perks he didn’t deserve, or got him out of trouble.

        • Tempest, I’m not surprised on the perks he gets for his accent. Family members who come to the states can’t get over how often people are willing to pay for their meals and/or drinks once they hear their accent. People will tell them the sound just like the Beatles and want to talk with them.
          I’ve also seen perks given to shit head because of his career, his attorney made mention of it many times in the courtroom. What they don’t realize is it was me who wrote up his resume, encouraged him to apply, (made him get his ass off the couch and quit playing video games and watching cartoons) bought and chose his clothes for his interview, helped him study for his exams and licenses. I stood by him during his furloughs, and once again got his ass off the couch and helped him study and prepare for his next position which is more lucrative.
          Sorry for the rant, didn’t mean to go there..
          Yes, I’m not surprised the accent got him perks.

  • Happy Independence Day, Chump Nation! May you all find Meh, stay mighty, and revel in your freedom from fuckwittery!

    I’m off to ride my bike through the Pennsylvania Grand Canyon (yes, we have one!) along the Pine Creek Rail Trail, one of the most beautiful places on this green earth. I hope you are all doing something that brings you joy!

    For those of you struggling–it gets better, it truly does. Keep on keepin’ on.

  • This chumps D-days were both on Independence Day and this post is very fitting.

    6 years ago today I discovered STBX’s first affair with a 21 year old stripper in The Florida Keys. Then 2 years ago, again on this day, I found out about cheaters string of prostitute use.

    As irony (or maybe just the unoriginal mind of a cheater) would have it, where do you think fuckwit took his new smoopsie and our kids on vacation… The keys of course! I wonder if he’s shared the knowledge of “his special friend” and the fact that he murdered his marriage there, with her – that will make a girl feel special for sure! ?

    This Indepence Day, most of the residual triggers have faded, though I can still recall them, and the horror I felt. My new Independence is free of a cheating fuckwit and that’s something worth celebrating.

    • Wow. What a jackass. I am very happy for you to have a “fuckwit free” Independence Day. Hugs and good wishes to you Got-a-brain!

    • Yes , this holiday is particular tough for me. STBX’s birthday is today. And DD1 was 5 years ago, 30 minutes before 30 people arrived for his annual birthday party.

      But I’m doing ok. And I know next year will be better. And some day it will just be the 4th of July and not be associated with his birthday.

      Interestingly, my anniversary is on my fathers birthday. Someday it will just be his birthday and not a reminder of my failed marriage.

  • Being a Limey I don’t get to celebrate an “Independence Day”…So i’m glad to be part of the United States of Chumps.

    • Not glad you are a chump but glad you are here. This site really makes it hit home that it is a small world and this international flavor is a treat in the midst of dispare (if that makes any sense.)

      Disorder does not have cultural nor geographical boundaries.

  • No matter where we live, we breath the same air, look up at the same sun, the same moon.

    On this Independence Day “we mutually pledge to support each other”

    We Chumps march in the same Band.
    2 reasons why, ( although I wish I was not a member) I am proud and I am comforted to belong to this marching CL,CN Band.

    1. A member can come here anytime, the doors are open 24/7, there are always 2 cups at the table.

    2. Secrets are safe here, no one tells. You can feel free to pour out your heart here. Love and understanding lives here. We have each other’s back.

    Reading your posts, fellow Chumps, makes me feel very sad. I have so many happenings at present, feeling so overwhelmed, no cheater support, ever, nothing new there.
    I just want to say I hear you, I feel your pain.
    We march together in CN Band, when one of us falls down the whole Band halts, the music stops. We rush to our fallen member, help them up, then we march on together.
    A Chump Band, does that, sticks together, on Independance Day and every day.

    • Well said, Peacekeeper. Those are the exact reasons I come here as well. Happy Independence Day!!

    • I just “joined”?? I’ve been just a quiet reader for about a year but now ready to participate

      • GingerChump,
        I, as you, was a reader, thought I would never post. One day something happened, not sure what, but I typed my first post. It was difficult, can’t even remember what I said.
        Since that first posting I have made many more posts. I have come to recognize so many CN members. They feel like family to me. They get it, they understand the pain, they have my back as I have their’s.
        I am sorry that you have to be here, but still I welcome you with open arms and a caring heart.
        You are safe with CL, CN.
        Whenever you feel ready, many hearts will open to your heartache and struggles.
        Like I said, we got your back!
        ❤️

      • I read for many months before I joined too. I’ve also gone back and ready many posts. Recently had a friend become a ‘new’ chump and I recommended this site. Told her to scroll to the very bottom of the home page to learn the basic points being explained. I’ve become so much better at recognizing this crap now.

        I waffled between whether my ex was an abandoner or cake eater. The first time around when he left me and our two young children out of the blue, I found out it was so he could pursue a ho worker. He was sitting at the house every evening when I got home and would pull up a chair at the dinner table. Really? You are miserable and leaving us, you filed for divorce, you went to one counseling session and told the counselor you never saw yourself coming ‘home’ and you never really loved me. And your fucking sitting at my house waiting for me to get home with the kids?

        When he left because he was miserable again, aka he found a new twu wuv, I found my mighty. I got my ducks in a row, I lawyered up, I changed the locks!

        It all makes sense now. He’s a kibble eater all the way around, not just with ho’s. He’s always got a sadz because no one appreciates how smart he is and how great he is (he’s a narc-covert, vulnerable?). But ultimately it comes down to what CL hammers home. Is this relationship acceptable to you? It doesn’t matter the how’s or why’s of his cheating or my acceptance of being used. How do you feel in this relationship? Ultimately I feel like shit. My needs are always last and I’ve been okay with that until the cheating for some reason.

        Thank you CL and CN for helping us all through this shit storm!!!

        • MJB,
          Your friend who, sadly, is a new Chump, is lucky to have you.
          You are an inspiration to others.
          Your cheater never deserved you.
          No two cups at your table for him.
          His loss!
          Xxx

  • I was thinking of this last night. Independence Day and no cheating husband. The best part is I know now that I don’t need a man to make me happy or feel complete. My 20 year old daughter is moving in with me next weekend and I couldn’t be happier.

    This time apart has really helped me to grow. I’m becoming a better person and taking back pieces of myself that I’d forgotten about. The truly happy side before I met him. He is still his same self in that now he has muli-affairs and all the women think they are the only one. He drinks too much and it has really aged him in the last three years. A once handsome and young looking man, he has morphed into an aged looking old man. I suspect he is turning into a drunk. Anyone who can age that fast can’t be healthy.

    For someone who once had everything any other man would envy he just don’t look right for the life he now leads. Me, i’m grateful not to be a part of his messed up life anymore!

  • I love this. Thanks for running it again. We can never have enough support as we move toward greater independence. And that doesn’t mean we won’t find someone worthy of being a partner to us or we will never love again; it means that when we are ready to enter that arena again, we do so this time with our eyes open and hearts unafraid to walk away from people who are parasites looking for a host. We strive this time to be equal partners, committed to each other.

    It’s a glorious day in the City of Champions. We celebrate the beginning of the end of colonial America and the birth of the United States. But the idea of cataloging our injuries and declaring we’re done with living as a “colonial subject” to a cheater is the first step toward freedom. Freedom didn’t come with those words. It came with struggle and sacrifice, a lesson we seem to need to learn over and over. If you aren’t American and don’t celebrate today as Independence Day, celebrate your own journey to independence, wherever you are.

  • I want to wish all my American fellow chumps a happy Independence Day. Although I am not American, I printed out that “Declaration of Independence” for myself–what a gift to all of us that was KibblesNBits. It was very empowering. As is this site–a place where we can all find support and encouragement. It has helped me regain confidence and realize I am not alone. Thank you fellow Chumps and thank you CL! freedheart

  • Thanks Peacekeeper, I’m coming up on my first divorce anniversary. I’m healing and on my own with CN and plenty of friends and family. The occasional crying for what was lost and the acceptance that my ex changed into a bad-ass cop (new profession in his 40’s) that changed his personality for the worse. Never believe your own hype!! Thanks to him I have my independence and now I celebrate my freedom. ?

    • Txmmw,
      I look up to you.
      You certainly deserve your hard earned freedom.
      In CN’s eyes Brave Lady, YOU are mighty!
      Xxx

  • Happy 4th fellow chumps! I have officially cycled through all the holidays once since my second Dday in May 2016. I remember desperately looking for answers of how he could do this again knowing what he was losing and what it would do to our beautiful family. For all you newbies out there, it really does get better. Yes I’m still here for support but now I’m ready to offer it too. With time and distance from a fuckwit, and yes they are a fuckwit!, you will come to see how selfish and entitled they are and how much better off you are. Grieve for what you thought you had. Then celebrate who you are and that new authentic life you are building for yourself. They are forever stuck with who they are and there life does not get better. But hey, what do you care now? I would like to personally thank Schmoopie for my ‘Get out of jail free’ card and swapping places with me!!

  • This is the third 4th I have been Cheater-Free.

    Two years ago today I declared my further independence from him by putting his also-abandoned flea infested cat. The cat that HE rescued as a newborn years before. The cat he nursed through illness and treated like a child, never allowing it to go outside. The cat he abandoned along with me and our DD. Why? Because his slut-shack didn’t allow pets.
    When he came by to drop off DD from his weekend, he asked where kitty was. I told him, “outside- you’ve had two mouths to come get him, and you haven’t”. he was LIVID, declaring, “You better hope to God nothing’s happened to him. I can’t believe you just threw him out like an abandoned child!!!” (Strange choice of words, I must say) to which I shot back “oh, like you abandoned me and our child?!?!” He just stormed out of my house without another word, leaving the cat still outside too.

    He came back over the next day or so and claimed him. Good riddance, to both of them.

    Viva la Freedom, Chumps!!!!

  • Our repeated pleas to change have been answered only by repeated injury.

    This is the line that stuck out most to me. This is why we needed to break free and to declare our own independence from such a drama-filled and toxic relationship. No matter what we do, cheaters can’t change.

    But we, can. And we will – for the better.

  • KnB – this is so STRONG and TRUE. Thank you for taking the time to write it and share it with us here at CN.

    I’ve been having mental “slips” this week, wanting to break no contact because he’s telling the new victim that the reason we don’t speak is because I’m still angry with him about the divorce. And, the truth is, I’m not… I see the divorce as a divine intervention from a God who loves me. I don’t talk to him, except in grey rock tone about things relating to our son, because I feel PHYSICALLY ILL after engaging with him any further than that. I refuse to be abused, gaslighted, shamed, blameshifted upon, all of it… I refuse.

    And, so today, I am reading this post again and again to remind myself that I don’t need to concern myself with him or his new flying monkeys. My tribe is a group of survivors who are brutally honest because we know that is the only path to healing. My tribe is a group of people who read this blog and nod their heads and cry and laugh and share because a life without genuine feeling is worthless. And, on this Independence Day, I will celebrate a peace and happiness I hadn’t know for years with Mr. Sparkles… and a new life filled with the FREEDOM that comes from Meh.

    • ICanSeeTheMehComing! thanks 🙂 I had to write it to keep myself upright and moving forward. Forgive yourself those mental slips. They happen, for all of us. But you are so right on, your tribe is s.t.r.o.n.g! I celebrate with you, let freedom ring and rock on!

  • Happy Independence Day!

    FREE indeed, 2 yrs of cheater freedom. We married on 7/7 – 33 yrs ago. 4th of July used to be fun and a time to celebrate our marriage, BUT like we all know, cheaters CAN’T change. Basically the longer they are around they destroy every memory, every event and every human connected to them. Some of these people are such good liars that it takes decades to finally break from them. I stayed 26 yrs longer than I should have. I forgive myself — not him!

    I know what the last 30 yrs have been like, now I have the “independence and freedom” to make the next 30 years the way I want it! Cheater Free, drama free, toxic free etc…….

    Happy 4th CN

  • LOVE this proclamation! And how good it feels to be away from my ex-douchebag.

    Of course, today he texted our daughter and asked her to come out to his new place (that he shares with the whore). She said absolutely not because the whore was there. He said, “That was uncalled for.” SCREW YOU. Our daughter is the one who found the nude photos of the whore and exposed the affair! Ex does not get that my daughter wants NOTHING to do with the slut. Which means she will NEVER go to his house because that’s where the whore lives. And the whole thing got me riled up. I didn’t contact him or anything, but it’s like my peace of mind was shattered. I’m sure he’ll be with her and her three kids (all under the age of 12) shooting off fireworks, etc.

    But oh, I am free from his drinking, his lies, his manipulation, his condescending, “teasing” jokes, his narcissistic abuse. FREE, FREE, FREE!!!

    I can’t wait for meh…

    • So sorry you are going through this and how awful for your daughter!! Gotta feel bad for her kids since they are all little and stuck with 2 fuckwits. They are all 5 probably the same maturity level so will take a while before they get it. Good luck and happy 4th in your new cheater free life!

      BTW my ex made those same ‘teasing’ jokes. My teenaged son still does those to me but I’m trying to turn the corner of this without telling him I don’t want him to grow up to be a jackass like his father.

      I honestly didn’t truly realise this was abuse until I got away from him. Hope Schmoopie has some thick skin. She’s going to need it!!

      • Thanks, MBJ. My daughter is 17 and so has a mind of her own! And I’m glad. She can make her own choices in whether or not she wants to see her dad. Since this whole thing started (late January), he has spent MAYBE a total of 5 hours with her. He just can’t be bothered. He’ll text but that’s about it. And to my way of thinking, he needs to meet with her on HER terms, and not his. That’s why she won’t go out to his house. I just can’t believe he doesn’t GET IT, that my daughter NEVER wants to meet the whore.

        You’re right about them all being about the same age! Whore is 13 years younger than my ex with three young kids. Thing is, my ex said he never wanted to babysit future grandkids because he doesn’t like kids. Now they’re all living together? I feel sorry for the kids. They’re the innocents in this. Ex and the whore knew what they were doing and made a choice. But now that they’re living together, it’s going to be different. The daily humdrum of life is going to put pressure on them.

        All I know is, not my circus, not my monkeys. Can’t wait to get to meh.

        I hope your teenage son stops with the “teasing” jokes, too. And like you, I didn’t realize it was abuse until I got out of the marriage. Thank God for CN and CL!!!

  • Happy 4th of July to all the US chumps. I’m a Brit but I’ll celebrate with you because even though I got divorced 5 years ago my REAL independence day was 2 years ago when the Twat moved back to the US. So in 2 years I haven’t had to look at his ugly face, take his calls or even stand down wind of him and it is wonderful. The only down bit is that on 20 July my son is getting married here in France and the Twat is coming over with the latest Schmoopie and I am dreading it. I will be courteous but it leaves a knot in my stomach already. Oh, and for any chumps in the Pittsburgh area, if you hear someone torturing a cat tonight don’t dash out and call the Animal Protection League or the Anti-vivisection League – it’ll most likely be my ex. He deludes himself he is the next John Denver. Ha, ha. I’ve got more musical magic out of hearing fingernails on a blackboard. Oh bugger, I’ve just had a thought. If he shows up at the wedding with his guitar case I think I’m going to hyperventilate. Wish me luck!

    • “Oh, and for any chumps in the Pittsburgh area, if you hear someone torturing a cat tonight don’t dash out and call the Animal Protection League or the Anti-vivisection League – it’ll most likely be my ex.”

      Hahaha! Oh, that’s hilarious!

      To have my ex an entire ocean away would be heavenly! Fortunately, he’s not in my same city anymore, but 40 miles away with his whore. Still too close for comfort.

      Best wishes on your son’s wedding. And you got this! No matter what Schmoopie he brings, hold your head high. YOU are the one with integrity and principles!

      • Yeah when they move away it’s heaven. I had hoped to lose about 20 lbs by the wedding (shave my legs?) but that hasn’t happened so I’m feeling a bit “vulnerable”. I’ve found a nice suit but I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to put my arms down by my side. Guess I’m afraid of looking like Leonid Brezhnev on the balcony at the Kremlin. Oh well, they ain’t there to look at me are they!

        • Don’t even worry about those 20 lbs. You lost around 200 lbs when you got rid of that slimeball ex! And you’ll NEVER have to worry about gaining it back! 🙂

  • I’m a first-time poster today, on what would have been my 18th wedding anniversary (well, I guess technically it still is my anniversary, as the divorce isn’t yet final). It has been a little over 6 months since DDay, or what I finally understood to be DDay. I am incredibly lucky in that I found Chump Lady on one of my very first frantic internet search binges (you know, search terms like “17 year marriage ending due to infidelity,” “How to find peace after divorce” and so on, for hours and hours). I was still reeling from the agonizing pain at the time, but the voices I heard in Chump Nation spoke to me, and I kept coming back. As many have said before, the community I found here has been pivotal in my journey toward a new life filled with meaning and strength. Thank you.

    In the 6 months since DDay, I have come a very long way. I gutted out a mercifully short period of utter sadness and loss, and was able to recognize that in the end, what happened had very little to do with me; whatever my shortcomings, they didn’t warrant years of lying and deception topped off by a cruel discard. I was able to see my soon-to-be ex husband’s blameshifting for what it was. I was able to recognize fairly quickly, after a few fits and starts of course, that if I was looking for some kind of basic acknowledgment borne out of so many years of shared history, or any kind of honest communication, or anything like “closure,” it’d be just as effective to talk to a tree stump in my backyard as my STBX.

    I am grateful for the time and agony this has saved me. I was able to cut to the chase much more quickly, I think, than I otherwise would have. I had to realize this: He’s done with me, he’s done with my family, the past has been rewritten to justify his choices, I no longer warrant any consideration at all, he truly doesn’t give a shit about me, and his sole concern is doing whatever feels best to him (which mainly appears to be, you guessed it, his new soulmate). Once I got it, really got it, things became much clearer and I could see the path to mightiness.

    I haven’t reached meh, but I have many moments of meh. The divorce will be final in a matter of weeks, and I took advantage of his strong desire to start a new and better life with the new soulmate schmoopie. I feel free, and realize more and more as time passes that I have been given a gift. The wrapping paper was made of razor wire and feces, but once I got through it, I’ll be damned if this wasn’t just what I needed. My main struggle now is the shit sandwich being continuously foisted on our 11 year old daughter, who was thrown into a new “instafamily” almost immediately and is being mindfucked with regularity.

    I leave with this quotation from a Walter Benjamin essay. I find it perfect for July 4th on a broad scale, and also read in the context of chumpery. It may sound harsh at first reading, but read it again. It’s mighty, and it’s beautiful:

    “A Klee painting named ‘Angelus Novus’ shows an angel looking as though he is about to move away from something he is fixedly contemplating. His eyes are staring, his mouth is open, his wings are spread.
    This is how one pictures the angel of history. His face is turned toward the past. Where we perceive a chain of events, he sees one single catastrophe which keeps piling wreckage and hurls it in front of his feet.
    The angel would like to stay, awaken the dead, and make whole what has been smashed.
    But a storm is blowing in from Paradise; it has got caught in his wings with such a violence that the angel can no longer close them. The storm irresistibly propels him into the future to which his back is turned, while the pile of debris before him grows skyward.
    This storm is what we call progress.”

    I am going to choose to embrace the storm and turn my head toward that new future which, albeit built on wreckage and pain, is mine for the making.

    Happy 4th, Chump Nation.

    • I LOVE that passage. I’m going to print it out to look at.

      Y’know, I’m the same as you – I still have moments of pain, but they are receding and I do have moments of “meh.” I’m not all the way there yet, but oh yes, what a gift my ex gave me because if he hadn’t cheated on me, I’d still be in the marriage, still trying to spackle the hell out of everything, still trying to make it work. Now, I don’t have to. He and his whore can have their “perfect” life now, and though that hurts, as well, I’m realizing that he didn’t get a prize, and she most certainly didn’t. Their life isn’t perfect. He hasn’t changed, and any woman who goes after a married man doesn’t have a single ounce of integrity. She is trash. As CL says, “Don’t envy the disordered.”

      I, on the other hand, can hold my head up high. I am SO much better off. Our 17-year-old daughter sees her dad for what he is and it will be up to him to work on that relationship. I’m done spackling.

      • Yes, I think a lot about that as well. I likely would have just continued on out of love and loyalty indefinitely. It’s only distance (mental and emotional) that has allowed me to see how exhausted I was just trying to hold things together. Although it hurt like hell at the time, experiencing the emotional equivalent of being whacked with a 2×4 finally got my attention.

        I continue to struggle with the fact that I can’t fix everything for my daughter, can’t make him do right by her. He was actually a good father to her, so I hadn’t ever anticipated that this could possibly change. It’s my main source of non-meh moments.

    • Great imagery- I just need to turn my head to the future instead of looking back at the past all the time!

      • I like that you said “instead of looking back at the past ALL THE TIME.” Because looking at the past through new lenses has been, and continues to be, a major part of this journey for me. I find the key is not getting stuck there, rewinding the same things over and over again. But the future, which at the outset appeared bleak and devastated, now looks very different to me. All the best to you.

    • Wow slouching, I am also six months out and you are way ahead of me. You are so mighty and so strong. Your future is so bright you need sunglasses.

      • Chumpalicious, I’ve read many a comment by you. Thank you for reading and responding, and for being so encouraging. Of course some days feel mightier than others, don’t they? Sometimes I have to talk myself into it. Yesterday was a symbolic day for me, so I went big. When I’m not feeling it, I can now read what I wrote, and say Damn, I felt that, I can get there again.

        • Thanks I wish you find the happiness and contentment you deserve. You will keep moving forward and you will find everything you are looking for.

  • Today, I did not have to be bullied and demeaned because I am a strict vegetarian. “X” used to say: “Well, we are having bratwurst and burgers, so you can pout in the corner.”

    I never told my beliefs to anyone but him at a party, never made anyone feel bad about eating meat (and do not here) but he took a certain pleasure in biting into whatever meat, making intense eye contact with me and saying, with relish-

    “Boo Hoo. Is she going to cry now? I just ate Wilbur.”

    So, today, I am wearing my shirt:

    Not bacon
    Not ham
    A little life
    Is what I am!!!

    And my two friends (you lose a lot of friends being married to a Cock Sucker) and I are having all the dirt candy (veggies) grilled, fresh bread, local fruit and decadent desserts you can imagine.

    I may be in some sort of carb induced fugue state, but I don’t care a whit what that mofo is doing.

    Remember- whoever they are with, they are flirting with someone behind THEIR back as the charcoal heats up. It is what they do. It is their nature. Whatever HoScum is fixing their plate, she can play it all cool- but she is with someone who is capable of selling a lie- thousands of times. She/he knows it. She got the Gremlin. The ones that burst into flames if you tap on the brakes wrong and incinerate you, while you scream in agony.

    Party on, Bitch.

  • Happy Independence Day CL/CN!
    Make sure to put yourself & your children (or pets) first today
    Be safe & watch beautiful fireworks
    Celebrate your freedom
    This is the first 4th since divorce/Mr. Runswithhookers died & it is truly a new start for me & my son
    I know we will have fun today-especially since the holiday martyr/trip martyr is gone

    No matter where you are in the journey, trust that they suck & it really does get better in time
    I wish I could have known before how much better my life would have been without him-I would have left sooner!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Reading over all these wonderful posts again this morning!

    Two takeaways come to mind.

    No more evil said narcs always ruin holidays and I realize holidays were always so stressful with stbx and I would blame myself. Yesterday, there may have been a couple tense moments getting ready for the party, but we moved through it and had a relaxed celebration with no meltdowns. What was missing? Only fuckwit!

    Second, I realized that a lot of the things I was trying to pass of as he cares were really done for the purpose of control.

  • “Remember- whoever they are with, they are flirting with someone behind THEIR back as the charcoal heats up” —– true that! I used to call it “scanning the room”.

    My x used to harass our vegan daughter to tears along with those lectures on “STAYING PURE” lmao! They always feel so superior to everyone!! I hate him ….. She hasn’t talked to him since I announced I was divorcing him 3 years ago. My poor sons work for him and are less affected by his bullshit but they do see through it.

    Loved the insight “Slouching toward Mehleham”. Keep reminding yourself of the freedom, life is better on this side. Loved your Angelus Novus reference. Bravo!!

    Freedom may not be free — but Losing a Cheater, Gaining a LIFE is worth all the work. Happy July

  • On the issue of holidays, I am feeling a little blue today. On Saturday, back in the town where I lived for 20+ years with my stbx, my adult kids and grandkids and my best friend and her partner will be at a 90th birthday party for my former mother in law, who is a lovely woman and loved by many. My same sex stbx will also be there with her new partner (the same woman with whom she fooled around with for two years while lying to me…even had her in our home). It is hard for me to think of them all back there being “family” together, even if it is only for the birthday of my former mother in law; I have a new partner and a new life, but this is still hard for me. It feels especially painful as I finally have a signed separation agreement with my stbx as of today. All the memories of the past have come back and I feel like crying. I know I’m happier now in so many ways and my life has taken new turns for the better. But I cannot help but feel so very badly. My heart aches for what we once had, but I know I can’t go back ever. Too much emotional and mental abuse; the reality of her affair and ill treatment of me. I’m usually more upbeat than this, but today is tough.

    • Freedheart-I’m sorry you’re having doldrums. It’s a sign of your ability to connect that your love for your former MIL doesn’t end just because you are not technically in the family anymore. Grief takes time, and we grieve more than just the loss of our primary relationship. Letting go of all the spiderweb yarns of our previous life hurts, too. Huge hugs to you!

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