I just had a conversation with my cheating husband. He now admits to at least a part of what he did, although he still maintains that there was no EA. They just had a secret “friendship” for 20 plus years. The name Sexy Beast was just a joke, yada, yada…
He says he doesn’t feel sorry for any of it. He just feels bad. What could he possibly mean aside from feeling the loss of his kibbles? I can’t wrap my head around his response!
We are still living together and it is very tense. I am ready to check in with my attorney to see if the ducks are in the row. Younger me would have been gone by now. Older smarter me listens to my lawyer. But I do wonder what kind of “bad” cheaters feel.
Oh Linda2, I can’t pretend to be inside the head of every cheater to know what they feel. (Nothing? Peckish? Mildly annoyed?) But you do point to a very common phenomena among cheaters — this whole I Don’t Regret the Affair, I Regret People Were Hurt bullshit.
HuffPo runs one of these narcissistic fluff pieces every week. The affair? It was magical. They explored undiscovered corners of their soul! They laughed! They cried! They loved! But lest they look completely inhuman, the cheater throws out a few little kibbles of “remorse.” Yes, the little people were hurt. That was regrettable. But the chump now understands the cheater’s paramount need for happiness and they’ve forged a friendship. So don’t judge them! When the goal is happiness (who can fault happiness?), you’ve got to break a few eggs to make a happy omelet.
Try this logic on something else and see how it fares.
I don’t regret defrauding investors. (You should see my yacht!) I regret that they feel hurt.
I’m not sorry I molested choir boys. I just feel bad (that I’m under indictment).
I love money, so I mugged that old lady. (I bought these awesome shoes!) I regret she feels pistol-whipped.
So let’s put your husband’s “EA” through the Universal Bullshit Translator.
He says he doesn’t feel sorry for any of it.
Apparently you are unaware of everything he’s been up to. So he did NOTHING! And if he did nothing? Why there is nothing to be sorry about! You’re just making a big deal out of nothing! Demanding apologies when apologies are not warranted.
He has a friend who calls him “Sexy Beast.” So what? Don’t you have friends who call you funny names like Twinkle Toes and Apple Cheeks? Same thing.
Just because he kept his friendship hidden for 20 years is nothing to get upset about. You wouldn’t understand, so he didn’t tell you. Your dim-wittedness and lack of understanding is nothing HE should apologize to YOU about. I’m sorry you’re not more sophisticated.
He just feels bad.
He feels bad he has to explain his friendship to you. It’s exhausting. He feels bad that you might levy some sort of undeserved consequences on his innocent friendship.
You should feel bad for making him feel bad!
Poor sausage. He feels BAD.
But not sorry, because only people who Do Bad Things apologize. But he’s blameless!
Linda2 — are you connecting the dots here? He’s mindfucking you. Manipulation doesn’t spring out of feelings, it comes from Machiavellian self interest. So stop asking yourself what he’s feeling and start paying attention to what he is doing — not taking responsibility for his actions. Not apologizing.
So long as he’s continuing to snow you about his 20-year secret relationship, you’ve got nothing to work with. Please line those ducks up with the lawyer soonest.
This column ran previously, but the cluelessness of cheater apologies lives on.