Dear Chump Lady, I’m a cheater and my wife is such a chump

yoyo share this site with your wife.

These fuckwits look down on decent people as they themselves lack any shred of decency.

Don’t worry Cheaterpants because the day will come when your Wife will see the light and kick your cheating ass out the door. Then it will be woe is me from this idiot.

OMG! When I read the first sentence I wondered how this would go. My first thought was similar to your response, I was like I know he did not choose to write Chump Lady for sympathy! He claims to have been reading posts on the site, so you would assume he knew this was not the place for that. But I am still glad he wrote, it was so very revealing for me. Even though it has been rammed down my throat that this is how they think, I still wanted to believe that I could be wrong. But hearing it straight from the horse’s mouth. The nerve. Blaming the chump for staying, calling the chump weak, sniveling about how the chump did such an amazing Pick Me dance that it fooled you back into misery. I guess she should put on her dancing shoes every day and let you reap all the benefits. Now im not clear. I read and re-read your letter and couldn’t find it. What exactly are YOU doing to deserve her?

Yoyo, I think it’s pretty fucking rich that you can stand in contempt of your wife after what you’ve done. Honestly, who the fuck do you think you are?

If Major Cheaterpants weren’t dead, I would swear he wrote this….this was the channel his self-pity narc self would have gotten stuck on.

After years of him being HORRIBLE, cheating, lying, abusing, he said to me “for so many years, I just hoped that someone would just come steal you away” …he wanted the marriage over without the guilt or work of dumping me. So OF COURSE his cheating was my fault !!

DDay, I told him the divorce was his to take, just go get the paperwork in order and he refused…he then proceeded to be the meanest bastard he could possibly be….to get me to throw him out…so he could claim victimhood.

All along, we could have ended the marriage if he had simply said “I have decided I don’t want this anymore and I am proceeding with a divorce. You are a decent person, wife. I will be fair and I wish you well but this decision has been made” ahhhhhhh but THAT requires strength and integrity…something sorely lacking in the cheater.

The only part of the letter I want to address is this:

“Because of her unwillingness to leave the marriage I am now stuck in it.”

Nope. That blameshift/pitifully-attempted mindfuck doesn’t work here at all. You’re not even remotely stuck; you’re just mad that, to get the divorce YOU want, *you* will have to look like the bad guy in front of everyone, instead of her.

You’re a f*cking chickenshit… a whiny, pitiful excuse of a man who won’t take ownership over his own life. May your absolute cowardice rot out your psyche as you lay on your deathbed. Until then, enjoy this hell of your own making.

Tempest – please bounce this idiot (and the other self identified cheater too) before I puke. Sir, you are a complete waste of our time, not to mention your wife’s. BUZZ OFF.

Tracy – best wishes for your recovery.

This is a man so desperate for centrality, he goes to an affair-survival website and trashes his cheated on wife. Self-pity is the voice of pride in the heart of the weak.

My favorite comments? The ones that don’t even mention his letter.

My only comment to all cheaters:
?Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

I feel terrible for Yoyo’s wife. She certainly did not deserve what that child has put her through, and she certainly doesn’t deserve his contempt now. However, I see her situation a bit differently than many here at Chump Nation, and I can’t help but wonder if she’s one of those chumps who is actually a complete bad-ass in disguise. We are legion. I’ll explain.

I don’t think she needs pity so much anymore. I bet dollars to donuts she’s got this man-child handled. It is clear he isn’t an intellectual or emotional giant, and I bet she knows that better than we do. He is also pretty clearly a spineless weakling who doesn’t appear to have the slightest agency on his own, and I bet she knows that, too. So, she refuses to divorce him, knowing he won’t have the sack to do it on his own. That’s power.

So now everything gets to happen on her timeline, and she’s sitting at the controls. She’s skimming off the grocery budget week after week, in cash and in buying giftcards at the little kiosk at the front of the store. She’s trimmed the actual food budget down to bare essentials, and our little boy Yoyo doesn’t actually know how to adult, so he has no idea what things cost. But she’s stashing at least a $50 giftcard and a little bit of cash every shopping day. She’s keeping the change from the returnables, and she’s stashing that, too. Her aunt sent her some birthday money in a card, and that got stashed away, too. Her sister sent her a giftcard for a higher-end makeup store for Christmas, and she traded that giftcard on on an exchange for cash. She’ll make do with drugstore mascara for now. At first, it was shocking and illicit, keeping this secret from her idiot husband – but all she had to do was remind herself why he isn’t safe. What came next was being surprised at how quickly money adds up when you don’t have Captain Needypants grasping all the time to fill the empty void where his soul should be. She asked for a raise at work and got one. It wasn’t a whole lot, but she somehow forgot to mention it to Yoyo…and that extra is going right in her pocket. It was then that she knew she could do this. She’s got an apple juice jug shoved into the back of her closet, ironically obscured by her wedding dress hanging in it’s storage bag, where she throws change in every day, including his change, which she skims when he’s otherwise occupied. She takes that change to a Coinstar every couple of months, and comes away with another $100 or $125 he doesn’t know about. She’s gonna keep that house and the equity in it, and she’s subtly separating the marital funds in unobtrusive ways so there will be a clean break. She’s building nice little walls around assets, and using his money to pay down debts, little chunks at a time. She’s only told one trusted person her plans, and that person opened a bank account where she stashes the money and it is growing, slowly but surely.

She knows waaay more about his beloved “A” than he thinks she does, and she had the presence of mind to keep every scrap of evidence about their stupid affair while she was in the super-sleuth mode we almost all go through. She’ll leverage it if or when she needs to.

His relationship with the kids is a strange one, affair or no affair. We all know an affair is only the latest symptom in what is likely a long pattern of entitlement and extreme self-worship, so all she has to do is be the safe, sane, available, invested parent to come out on top in the kids’ eyes. His relationship with the children is suffering in his hands, and he is too thick to realize she has stopped running interference and enabling their dad to look like a good guy when he isn’t. He fired her from that job. The kids are figuring him out, and she hasn’t had to say one harsh word about him. She out-parents and out-invests him all over the place, and the bond between her and her children is even more rock-solid than ever before…while Yoyo is baffled as to why his children always seem to bypass him and go to Mom for everything. She lovingly and compassionately points out to him that it is just a stage, then passes the hallway mirror and winks at herself, the sly fox. She has his comings and goings on a Google calendar she regularly back up to the cloud, so it is right there in black and white, all the family dinners and bedtimes and outings and parent/teacher meetings and dentist appointments he didn’t attend. Remember, the entitlement runs through all things and at all times, including feeling entitled to have the wife appliance do the boring stuff. She is going to get the bulk of the custody, and even if she doesn’t manage her goal of 80/20, she is secure knowing he will shuffle the kids off to her every chance he gets. He is completely inept, and he knows it. She’s making sure he stays that way.

She runs the script of needing him and being completely invested in the marriage, and she uses her unwavering belief that they can “get through this” as a tool to pressure him into also investing more and really get some help for his issues. She pledges her unwavering support and unconditional love. Understand, she knows he isn’t capable of ANY improvement, but she knows it needles him. She knows he wants nothing more than for her to walk away so he can look like the guy who got left. It needles him so bad. He has become prickly and moody, having irrationally angry reactions to his wife’s devotion. So she makes sure she adores him extra hard around family and friends. But he’s stuck – who would side with a guy who complains that his wife loves him TOO much, is TOO devoted, is TOO faithful, does TOO much to help and support him? Even he’s not dumb enough to dare complain. But his feelings show in ways he doesn’t notice, and their social circle is starting to think of him as cold, maybe a bit unstable, and ungrateful for his many blessings – while she is considered warm, patient, and kinder than he probably deserves. His wife lost count of how many times she’s been told she’s a saint for putting up with his mercurial and depressed ass – dozens at least, and many by his own mother.

She’s got $10,000 in cold, hard cash…she started from nothing. That’s on top of the money she set aside for a top-notch lawyer, of which she has interviewed dozens in their area. She’s got virtually no debt. By the time she is done, she will have six months or more of living expenses, in full, and without counting ANY child support or spousal support, without touching a credit card, and without counting her income.

She wishes it could all be done in a matter of weeks, but she’s pragmatic enough to know it takes longer than she’d like. But she’s coming out staged for a wonderful life, and the Loser if just gonna keep losing.

Ask me how I know.

Some food for thought YoYo…

Let’s talk about the BIGGER PICTURE here:

It does not matter if your families “believe” in divorce or staying together “no matter what”. They do not have to live/walk in the misery that you have created for both yourself as well as your wife…and soon, your children.

Staying together (with the attitude and behavior that you have) actually dishonors God…it is a mockery of the meaning of the Holy Marital Covenant, which was to be an earthly example of selfless love and giving as like our relationship between ourselves and the Lord (see your wife as a good example). It is not like you have ANY remorse or intention to love your wife and repent/make amends/restitution. You are living a lie and mocking the Blessed God of the Universe…the King of Kings. He SEES into your black corrupted heart. He SEES that you are trying to drive your wife into doing your dirty work by getting her to break her Vows to Him. But you have already broken them in God’s eyes. Finish the job.

The contempt that you have for your once beloved wife as well as the stumbling block that you have become for your children is now written in Eternity…and your name will be blotted out of The Book of Life if you do not repent from the heart. Your Treason is nothing more than the exposure to the condition of your eternal soul. The mouth of Hell opens wide to receive a man like you.

According to God, you are a Coward, a Liar and an Adulterer…this is an undeniable and indisputable FACT. You are circling the drain. You will answer to all three things some day…and as much as your wife is trying to love you back from the fires of eternal damnation, she simply CANNOT save you because you are a Wicked man bent on creating destruction. The horrors of sin that you have so easily embraced is yours alone to deal with…your wife and children are simply the collateral damage.

Cheater: “I’ve been married to her for 25 years, since we were both 20 years old. We’ve always had a difficult marriage, but we also had some good periods, and divorce is ‘not done’ in our families.”

UBT: I’ve been making my wife miserable for 25 years. Aside from my attempts to sabotage our marriage, we’ve been happy, but it’s convenient now that I’m trying to shirk responsibility to say the marriage has always had problems.

Cheater: “Three years ago I fell in love with A. while separated from my wife.”

UBT: Three years ago I started an affair. Sure, there may have been some overlap, and I may have separated due to the affair, but let’s avoid those pesky details, because avoidance is what I do best.

Cheater: “Blah blah blah”

UBT: Sparkles yay! Consequences boo. My wife is a meanie. I haz the sadz.

Hey dipshit, why don’t you try modeling a fraction of the resilience, integrity, and responsibility that your wife has demonstrated. You want to blame her for all of your shitty choices and give her no credit for being a superhero wife and mother while you dither around chasing imaginary rainbows and leprechauns and drowning yourself in delusions of your own glory.

You suck. Do the right thing and give your wife and kids the gift of a generous divorce and make your exit. You don’t deserve them.