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Dear Chump Lady, I’m a cheater and my wife is such a chump

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Dear Chump Lady,

I know I’m not supposed to read this site, as I am a cheater, but I have found it very interesting and insightful. You are spot on, and I do feel like I am a despicable cheater. And my wife is a super chump. I’ve been married to her for 25 years, since we were both 20 years old. We’ve always had a difficult marriage, but we also had some good periods, and divorce is ‘not done’ in our families.

Three years ago I fell in love with A. while separated from my wife. A. lit me up, made me happy, and I feel like she was the love of my life, we were perfect for each other. We had an awesome 6 months together (just us, no wife in the picture) and I was certain I wanted a divorce. But then my wife found out about A. and started the pick-me dance in full force (as I have learned from this website) and it confused me. Suddenly I saw her benefits, and her love for me. We have two kids together, and our families pressured us to stay, and our 6 months apart made me appreciate her, and I stayed in the marriage. Since that point I have always been clear with A. that I wouldn’t leave my wife.

Anyway, long story short, I never got a divorce, and I couldn’t give up my affair partner. I am the most indecisive person in the world. I had a 2.5 year affair, and I ultimately chose my wife and my kids. I’ve been broken up with A. for 8 months now and I moved back in with my wife 6 months ago, but I regret it every day. I made the wrong choice, but A. wants nothing to do with me anymore (understandably) and has not responded to any contact from me (doing the no contact as you also recommend on this website — it works — I hate that she’s moving on).

But now I am blaming my wife for being such a chump. I’ve been reading this site for a while, and my wife is the chumpiest of them all. Sometimes I wonder why she loves me and why she even still wants me. Our marriage is not great, we are just living day to day. I now remember why I wanted out of the marriage in the first place. We have lots of arguments. She’s been such a chump, and pick me dancing so hard, and throwing her love at me, and loving me ‘unconditionally’, basically refusing to divorce me. Because of her unwillingness to leave the marriage I am now stuck in it. And unhappier than ever. I have wanted to divorce her several times, and I told her that, and every time she talked her way out of it. If she had just left this marriage, I could have been with A. But she refused. Now I have to suck it up, and make the best of my situation (divorce will never happen — my wife will refuse), but internally I am heartbroken and longing for A. I resent my wife for not leaving the marriage. I guess I was too weak to do it myself.

Anyway, rambling on, I forgot my question. I guess you could always put it through the bullshit translator. Anyway, here’s a lesson for all: don’t cheat.

Yoyo

Dear Yoyo,

Thanks for the public service announcement. Not about cheating (DUH, this is a site of people who’ve been cheated on), but for being the sort of flaming fuckwit who thinks I give a single shit about his unhappiness. Really dude, you’re going to try the self-pity mindfuck channel on ME? Yeah, no. I’m running your letter because it’s a nice look into the rancid oatmeal of a cheater’s brain. If anyone was ever a poster child for “Leave a cheater, gain a life” it’s you. Try and save your marriage, chumps? Your reward is the cheater’s condescension, blameshifting, and revulsion.

Sound familiar, CN? It’s All Your Fault! What you do, don’t do, considered doing, or once read about doing — it’s WRONG. Don’t try and correct course, because that’s wrong too. The ONLY sane move with an asshole like Yoyo is to leave the game.

Yoyo, I’m not going to UBT your bullshit. The UBT is worn out from UBTing Robert Weiss yesterday. And I’m spending the morning under general anesthesia. So I’m just going to leave it to Chump Nation to UBT your letter. Maybe nuggets o’ stupid like “I resent my wife for not leaving the marriage” or “Suddenly I saw her benefits” (like she was a piece of quality livestock) or “just us, no wife in the picture.” (Nice how you conveniently erased two children.)

Have at it, CN.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
      • You are a BOSS
        I’d send a card but it would probably get there weeks after you’d recovered! XO

      • Speedy recovery, Chump Lady! We’ll miss you!

        Yoyo is just like my STBX who the other day invited me and my mom to talk over coffee (I thought to discuss the points of the separation agreement) about his unhappiness with my indecision to leave him when he suggested it twice over the course of 12 years. Both times there was no specific reason but ” I am not made for family”, “we don’t have chemistry” bullshit. I asked both times, and for years in between, about the presence of OWs but he vehemently refused. So I stayed, begged him to work on the relationship and upped my dance until DDays 1 and 2. After I told it quits he then begged to keep the family intact but also resented me during wreckonciliation and his entitlement and fuckwitty attitude started showing off pretty much after 2 months of what I thought was saving my family. Now the cheater does not want me to divorce him but reunite and accept his minor peculiarities. He haz sadz. He actually told me he was very sad and upset with me that I “spent so much on legal fees instead of directing this money to our son’s college fund”. My chumpy reaction would have been trying to understand why he was sad and upset and then rationally explaining my actions = engaging. My CL-infused mighty reaction to his statement was: “Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh poor cheater. Sorry I upset you and you feel hurt” with an unquestionable “I don’t give a fuck” written all over my face.

        That 5 hour conversation last Saturday would have burned the UBT app….

        • It takes a bit to get to the place where you would never give one of these assholes 5 hours. Not judging…..I did it MANY times.
          You become like an atty in court thinking if you rephrase the question, your cheater will “get it”. They don’t.
          I wouldn’t give my ex 5 MIN anymore.
          They just are what they are….you can talk to them till you are blue in the face and there’s changing that.
          Don’t waste your breath.

            • Funny how ‘divorce is not done’ in this slimeball’s family but cheating is no problem. Do they even hear themselves?

          • I know, right? My mom is in her chumpy shoes now trying to get the points to him. She totally supports me but she is trying hard for him to “see” how wrong he was, how hurtful his actions were and how his shitty choices ruined the best thing he had in life. I keep telling her he is wired differently. He can say 3 contradictory statements in one sentence and while you start answering one and then responding to another you then realise you contradict yourself! Because you are responding to contradictory statements! This is why people who have not been affected by narcopaths would never understand this. Took me a while and lots of self education to get here myself and I am still engaging with the cheater. Although I am primarily no contact since he does not live here. He is here now for the summer so I am trying to get him agree on the separation and sign off before he leaves. Hence, engaging.

          • You have given some good advice. Save the time you would have spent talking/arguing with this idiot and do something worthwhile. Even doing the dishes or painting a room would be more productive than talking to the person who tried to ruin your life. I divorced 4 years ago, and I don’t think I’ve spoken 10 words to him since we left court. He has his mind made up about me and makes no bones about not wanting to hear my point of view.

        • OMG, my STBX said the exact same thing. “You are choosing to line the pockets of a rich lawyer instead of putting money toward our children’s college. I guess you care more about your attorney than your children.” Meanwhile, he is living with his OW and her children and hardly seeing his own children at all!

          • Susan, you and I are married to the same man! Does your cheater also try to spin it around that you are the “entitled” one because you are attempting to get your rightful share of marital assets?

            • Calgal1, LTC here and of course I am the entitled one. Not even trying to go after his assets because whatever he has is in his home country where we lived for 6 years and I have no intentions for an international-scale battle. I have lived in Canada for the past 6 years in a long distance marriage while he conveniently enjoyed the perks of a bachelor life under the disguise of business and taking care of his sick dad and family properties in his home country. No assets here either. In fact, he has been showing minimal income here so he may potentially go after my pension plan and savings. But even with this generosity of leaving him alone and me agreeing on 50-50 custody I am still the “entitled and egoistic one that always cared about my needs and never cared for him”. This is a particular mindfuck because I have been the one carrying slack not only for his constant absence in our lives even when we lived together but also helping out (financially as well) my entire extended family. I ended up with no savings and no assets in my mid 40s because of that. But I have myself. I will recreate as I always have. I have a good job. My son is with me most of the time. I am leaving a cheater and gaining a life thanks to CL and CN. And also learning to be less of a people pleaser and more of a self-pleaser. Long road here but I am on the right track.

          • Ditto on the girlfriend and kids. We’re both broke and just got a “divorce in a box” so no attorney fees involved. But yeah, a month later, he was moving her and them in…. her husband helped.

            Fucked up.

          • I’m glad my fuckwit didn’t try that argument. $30000 on a lawyer(because he gave zero cooperation) compared to the $400000 he stole from his family? That would have been fun to respond to but I would have refrained(now). It would have been tough…

          • My STBX wanted me to just meet with his attorney to work out a dissolution. I told him I was willing to work toward a dissolution but wanted my own attorney. Then when OW#1 came back on the scene wanting child support for the kid he apparently fathered, he accused me of “letting OW#1 get more money and less for our kids because that child support order would get decided before ours would…” all because I had to have my own attorney and draw the divorce out.

            And he was living with OW#2 and giving her a paycheck to try and hide income. But yeah…I am the one who is at fault for our kids having less money.

          • Haha do they have a manual !! Mine had the line ” it would be pointless the enrich lawyers” while simultaneously lawyering up before we even got to our second mediation. I finally realised he has a totally different take on history when he started pronouncing that i made him do it despite having black and white proof ofhis legal bills before our mediation.

        • Omg– this! “He actually told me he was very sad and upset with me that I “spent so much on legal fees instead of directing this money to our son’s college fund”.

          I got that exact same manipulation before I went no contact. My ex earns $1 million a year and our son goes to community college. This is total bullshit. He just didn’t want me to kick his ass with my excellent lawyer. Which I did!

          • Please share about the settlement. I’m in the midst of a fight over spousal support. He makes $400k. I gave up a $200k job to raise our daughter while he traveled and fucked whomever he wanted. (I was the big earner the early years of our marriage.)

            • Giddy, not mighty in this particular space. Sorry. Not fighting for assets. He was the main breadwinner when we lived together in the middle east. I did not speak the language so was limited in my job options although I worked full time as well. Here in Canada I have a good income while he shows a minimal one. I chose to not go after this because of the cross-country fights and legal fees and also out of fear for my son. If all goes well and we part amicably, son will spend christmasses and parts of summers with his dad who is great at setting up adventures. I will have him most of the time. If we go into a war there is international custody issues arising where he can just keep son with him permanently. I consulted with lawyers and there is no 100% guarantee. He would not do that because of child rearing responsibilities and efforts. He may also fear losing his canadian citizenship if he chooses that route. But his wires are different. Who knows what he may do or not do. So I am playing it safely. Not mightly.

        • I may just be having an off day but for some reason my BS Sensor thinks that Yo-Yo is actually Elle fucking around because it’s bored. If I’m wrong and you are here reading today E, have a shitty day. ?

      • Wishing you a speedy recovery!

        Reading this letter makes me so glad I divorced my narcissistic ex. This letter clearly shows how there is nothing a chump can do that’s not faulted or subject to blame. I’m faulted and blamed by him and his flying monkeys, but I don’t care because I don’t have to put up with his nonsense anymore! Leave a cheater, Gain a life!

        • Agree 100%! My X could have written this verbatim. Sick fucker.

          I finally unchumped, took him to the cleaners in the divorce (I got 70% of everything), went completely no contact, have an amazing new job, a hot sweetheart of a boyfriend who respects me and wants to be with me and only me, my kids are finally doing better. I’m at meh. Life is great!

          X’s life? Looks like it’s awful–his health is bad, AP treats him like shit, he’s cheated on her and she’s “openly” dating young guys her age (20 years younger than X) and rubbing his nose in it. Not my monkey not my circus.

      • Did you read the menu, Tracy? May I recommend a Super Shot of Demerol with a liquid Valium chaser as an appetizer? I call it, “The Happy Place”-and usually the last one I remember.

        Unfortunately everyone else does remember-And they have extortion worthy pictures!)
        Take care, have a remarkably uneventful recovery!

        • When I had my last surgery, the anesthesiologist called it “Milk of Amnesia”…nothing like being loopy from the Valium and having a great belly laugh before you drift off!

      • Wishing a quick recovery! My daughter had a very similar surgery. It went quite well, she recovered quickly and it gave her quite a bit of relief. Post-recovery was much better than we expected. Being my child, she had a second nose injury (contact sports, so hopefully you won’t have that issue), so we are waiting to see if she needs a redo. The surgery really does help. Take good care of yourself and give yourself time to heal!

      • Please tell me this is a fake letter. A TROLL???

        Surely no one can lack so much self awareness as to come HERE – and whine like a man/boy who stills wears and soils his own diaper, then stomps his feet that his chump wife won’t change HIS SHIT fast enough. And it stinks….

        But then I think, YES there are narcs in our world! I’m not a DOCTOR *(but my soon to be x husband is)

        And this guy has narcissist personality disorder, (for which he will seek zero treatment.) Talk abut blaming the victim. OMG…

        What a hideous father figure he is. I Hope his chump wife gets a real man next time, b/c they are better lovers than man/boys who are this shitty. OR just leave the cheater and gain a life…

      • Ok so I’m a male Chump still not free yet of Sparkles the shitty Unicorn. But working my mind up to it – wish me luck I guess I need to catch her at another affair to push me over the edge,…That said, doesn’t publishing this idiots submission just provide him with kibbles? Negative attention isn’t as good as admiration but no attention seems to be the ultimate way to go – from what the site advocates in regards to no contact. Or am I missing something?

        Thx

        Your faithful Chump

        • Hey Chumporama —

          You are in such a great place to be (for a terrible situation). You can make a plan. Other chumps on here can help. At a minimum, get your finances in order, separated from darling cheater’s. Figure out some boundaries to protect your emotions and your mental state.

          You can tell people, not just anyone, of course, but one or two people who she respects and admires, and who might have influence on her.

          You can demand that she quit her job.

          Stay calm. Think clearly. Take your time. Make a plan. I have listed some options, there are others.

        • Hey Chumporama,

          I think by publishing his letter Chump Lady is making the point that even if a chump stays and tries to reconcile/save the marriage, the idiot cheater STILL disrespects and blames the chump for not being ______________ [fill in the blank with whatever the cheater has convinced him/herself that the chump lacks that makes it okay to cheat]. No matter what the chump say or does, it’s never going to be right or enough for the entitled cheater.

    • Does anyone here think it’s the OW who wrote this one ?

      The only one who comes out a little sane in the whole melodrama is the OW because yo-yo informs us that she left once he went back.Someone down thread also said that she is a good person for doing that.

      There is so much self derision , which is totally out of character in a cheater ,right down to the name chosen.Yoyo , don’t you think that’s what an OW would think of this man once he went back to his wife.

      And what he writes about the wife ,we all know that is exactly what these OWs think about wives.

      I see this as pure vitriol spouted by an OW because the couple has reconciled and the man has gone NC on her.

      The cheater was never going to leave his wife.See the reason given in the letter .We don’t divorce in our families.That sounds like the BS fed by cheaters to these OWs to get rid of them.

      A cheater may not get off on the ridicule he knew he would face here but an OW left out in the cold would get vicarious thrills at all the derisive comments thrown at the cheater.

      And all our sympathy and empathy for the wife and wishing for her to leave the cheater ?I can see the OW going into raptures .

      So , OW fuck off.CN is too smart to fall for your drivel.

  • Sorry but all I have for yoyo is do everyone (especially your wife) a favour and piss off. Like yesterday.
    What a loser.

  • This is some of the most delusional crap I’ve ever read. Wow. I feel so bad for his wife. I hope he has the “strength” to leave her.

      • Exactly! And hey YoYo- here’s some advice to help move things along: Grow a pair & visualize yourself telling your wife and CHILDREN all about how much you love A & what a deep relationship you had with her… visualize your children’s shattered sense of security at the moment you tell them TO THEIR FACE how unimportant they are in your happiness equation. YoYo=no character whatsoever. What a cliche!

        • Why would he care about how his despicable acts make his children feel? This asshole cares about only one thing. What he wants. Doesn’t what he wants matter more than those innocent human beings he brought not this world? After all, he has found his “true love.”

          A friend of mine (and her very loving husband) are currently struggling with end of life decisions about their terminally ill child. When I compare their love and devotion to one another (and their child) with this cretin’s narcissistic babble, it is all I can do not to tell him to take a long walk off of a short pier. I am not that kind of person at all, but this guy does not deserve the love of his family. Not for an hour, a minute, a second.

          He should do his wife a big favor. Get the fuck out of her life, after signing every single asset he owns over to her and paying her the maximum child support possible (including the cost of the therapy his kids are sure to need). Yes, it will devastate her and probably fuck his kids up, at least for awhile, but they will be free of this sorry excuse for a human being.

          Dude, you don’t love anyone (except yourself). You have been genetically modified to be incapable of loving others. Get on down the road so that your kind, loving, and forgiving wife can find someone worthy of the love she has to offer. Indeed, even if she remains single, as I have, she will be better off alone than with your sorry ass!

          As your parting “gift”, tell her the truth about what a lying sack of shit you truly are. It’s the least you can do, the very least. Once she knows the entire truth about you, I am sure her love for you will vanish quite quickly. Even us stupid, pathetic chumps have our limits.

          • Exactly! This douche could be my X – his thoughts, beliefs, values are eerily similar. However, thank God I kicked X to the curb when I realized that we simply are not compatible. X’s values and actions did not meet my bare minimum standards for a friend, lover, partner. Boom. End of relationship. It hurt like a motherfucker but kicking X to the curb, suing him for everything I could get with the best lawyer there is, going completely no contact, building an excellent life…. all unquestionably the best decision I ever made.

            X is dead to me. The person I thought he was was an illusion, a fantasy, and I’ve grown out of fairytales. I live in reality. Buh bye loser.

            • Recognizing that x and i were no longer a good healthy match somehow made it a bit easier to handle the emotional trauma of it all. Putting myself (mentally) through some of the decisions he’d made – I couldn’t believe how he could have made the choices to lie to my face continuously, expose me to STIs, publicly humiliate me.. then come home every single night, snug into bed with me, act as if everything was perfectly fine with his “little family” of me and our dog.. in our new house we’d just bought together. When I discovered the depths and lengths of some of his lies, it really shocked me. After processing what I knew, there was nothing left to do but sadly accept that we are no longer a match.

              Good for you, MC99! Sounds like you got the best you could out of this painful, disgusting experience!

          • Violet – this is so spot on! And is The Sprout exactly. What he wants is, by definition -in his mind, the only measurement of what is ok to do. Towards me this isn’t such big news, but the way he has done it towards his children.
            Introducing OW (now wife, 5 months after he left) to them less than 3 weeks after he left was justified by “this person is important to me”. That was enough for him – the fact that it might be damaging (and has been extremely so, predictably) for his children, was negated by the fact that it was important to him. He is a highly trained mental health professional (including years of psychotherapy training) so he couldn’t possibly not know that his behavior would be damaging (anyway, anyone with the slightest bit of emotional intelligence could tell you this).
            I think the point about them feeling completely entitled to forgiveness – and then despising you for it, is also so accurate. Again, The Sprout completely. When I finally stopped being so forgiving he was (and still is) very angry, and yet was so contemptuous of me throughout our relationship, I’m sure in part because of my previous generosity/gullibility. You can’t win – that is the point. The only way to win is not to play the game and, at least, mine leaving (after 20 years but not married), and marrying OW so quickly has definitely done that.
            That is definitely what this fucker should do – but, if he does, he won’t do it for her. I’m also pretty sure he won’t be overly generous in his settlement. She will be so much richer for not being in a game she probably doesn’t even realize she’s playing though.

      • I can smell the self-pity from here!
        How is it all his wife’s fault for not leaving? Why should she do the heavy lifting? Yo yo wants out he should get out…..so we can all watch him destroy his life thinking he found happiness in a fantasy, then being forced to live with his AP every day while pretending to the world he is happy but inside detesting he for not being as great as the wife. LOL when cheaters marry is the best comedy.

        • He’s upset with her because he has not been able to manipulate her to do his biding. He wants her to be the one to pull the plug on the marriage. Then she’ll be the bad guy in his new narrative for leaving him & filing for divorce.

          • Exactly. Impression management. It’s all his awful wife’s fault that he has lost his “true love.”

        • Except his AP has some dignity and wants nothing to do with him anymore. That’s the only reason he hasn’t gotten up the balls to leave his wife. He doesn’t have anybody else to run to so he might as well stay and blame his wife for all of his unhappiness in life.

          • I think is exactly why YoYo Noodle wrote in. No one on the hook to bitch about his wife to. Like many here… I’ve read the texts from my Narc to his lesser side trash. They lie and whine about how amazing they are and get attention and thrills with an audience listening to them degrade us. I think it actually gave my husband a hard on smiling in my face knowing he just shredded my ass behind my back while I’m doting on him. She loves him too much to leave lmao. Does she know he’s been banging another woman for 3 years. Doubt it.

  • Dude, you’re a narcissist. Now just have a look at Donald Trump. That’s you, OK? Sad news is nobody can make you happy. That love of your life chick you cheated on your wife with is an illusion, a fantasy and a movie cliche simply because love isn’t what you think it is. And because you are a narcissist and very shallow therefore, most probably you won’t be able to experience true love either. But that’s OK. I feel sorry for your wife and kids though. You’re welcome.

    • You hit the nail on the head un. These people are never happy, ever, no matter what and they have to make sure their partner shares in their wallowing…
      The Worm had a gift for sucking all of the joy out of everything…..he’s like one of the Dementors on Harry Potter……if I stayed with him, he would have sucked all of the life out of me.

  • Oh I do have an idea- hey yoyo, how about you direct the wifey here. To CL and all of Chump Nation. She might just start to rethink putting up with you. And I, for one, will happily cheer her on her way to gaining a life without a cheater.

    • Great Idea Roller! Besides helping his Chump gain a
      life, this disgusting, blameshifting narcissist will even get what he wants (and needs, a dump in the trash).

    • EXACTLY, he’s a fucking COWARD. She may be a CHUMP now but once she gets rid of his ass she will be a CHAMP!

    • Or, set the devalued woman free (include a great settlement and CL’s website as parting gifts). Then, try therapy to figure out why you think only of yourself and decide to work to develop your character. THEN, as an honorable single man with something to offer, find a bonafide girlfriend.

      Oh, wait, how about just write into a website about your sad situation and the burden of a loyal wife instead? Loser.

  • OMG a Cheater with Insight! Except he doesn’t it’s still ME ME ME! Do your wife a favour a leave your internet history intact so she can find Chump Nation and Leave a Cheater and Gain a Life! p.s. The other woman probably realises that when you date a man that cheats on his wife you are with a man that cheats on his wife!

  • Rancid Oatmeal for brains! bahahaha! The STBX actually ate some rancid oatmeal while he was going vegan to “cure” his ED. It might take a while rewire his brain from porn but he’ll never cure his self-centered fuckwit character.

  • I got that from a gf who cheated on me…. “You were so persistent” as if it validated her in some way. I saw some messages from her to a friend in which she described me in very critical terms for trying to patch things up after she cheated. It’s a self esteem thing for them and horrible for the cheated on.

    I think about that cheating ex-gf now and can’t believe I didn’t shit can her and, of course, when I did (like my cheating ex-w) SHE then did the “pick me dance” ! And they both try and hoover now. NC forever…

  • I’m moving for the 7th time in 2.5 years today, so my comment has to be short. Moving is stressful, expensive, and scary. I’ve moved so far I now live in another country. I could have stayed with Superficial McBetrayerPants and not moved at all. But when I am reminded of the standard narcissistic whining, blameshifting, and excessive self-absorption these entitled fucks all put out I want to lunge to pick up that next box and run out the door.
    He brings a cold heart to his marriage. Maybe that’s why it’s not fun.
    I hope his wife gets the courage to leave. And I hope A. Gets the fun of being cheated on herself someday.

  • I had some of this… my prelude to Dday weekend was the weekend before, where suddenly he “wasn’t happy” and dumped a lot onto me about my failings (I hadn’t written a book by age 30, I was too negative, etc etc).

    So he left that weekend initially. I wrote him an email about some of my feelings, just mainly some insecurities I hadn’t voiced and what I appreciated about him. He responded with a huge word salad that included a lot of “what I don’t understand is why YOU haven’t left ME.”

    A lot of what he wrote didn’t make sense to me. Looking at it now, I think there must have been a lot of things like this guy’s thoughts going through his head. He probably wished I’d just solve his problems and leave him so he didn’t have to make a decision.

    I didn’t leave him because, while we had issues as any long term relationship does and could have communicated better, I loved him and thought we had a pretty good, stable partnership. I made and honoured a commitment.

    The arrogance of a cheater calling out a pick me dance though. UGH. They have no concept of what it’s like to have a bond and have that bond threatened. We cheated on need to recognise this dance because it’s futile for us. Cheaters like this guy only see it as another justification of the failings of the partner. Weak.

    • I have! It makes no difference. She loves me and even an affair can’t change that (her words). I think she just wants a marriage and doesn’t care about whether it’s a good marriage. She just wants to be married. She just doesn’t care.

      I understand I suck. Keep the comments coming. I deserve it.

      • I was going to post a comment about your letter, then saw your response here. “I deserve it.”

        That right there is the smoking gun in all this. You really think you deserve it all, including all these comments on a blog post that’s all about YOU YOU YOU. Even the criticism and the vitriol is just ego kibbles, which of course you “deserve.” You must be shivering with delight over how important you are. Look, everyone’s talking about YOU!

        Enjoy your 15 minutes.

        • EXACTLY, FMT. This guy is such a piece of shit that needs to have attention even if it’s negative. And the good thing is that even if he gets kibbles from this, the fucking hole in his soul will never be filled, and he has to live with that. None of us have to! =^.^=

        • I read right into that too. Yo yo is a troll, he must looove this attention. He knows what the right thing to do is… he just doesn’t give a fuck. How mighty you must feel to sit behind the keyboard and see all the chains you are jerking, all the buttons you are pushing. Sociopathic narcissist.

      • You could try noticing the positive things about your wife and learning to appreciate her more. Focus only on the positives and ignore the negatives. If you do that long enough, you might actually learn to love your wife again. You married her for a reason. I don’t know if your wedding vows included “cherish” or not, but “to cherish” means to not compare your spouse negatively to others real or imagined. You failed in that one, but if you don’t have the balls to leave, thereby revealing yourself to the world as being the asshole that you are, then you should at the very least make an attempt to cherish your wife and not be an asshole anymore. Or you could just leave because you don’t have the strength of character to be a decent person.

        • I am starting to think his wife is a smart lady. He does need to reveal himself now doesn’t he….

      • YoYo It’s time to rip the band aid off, you have one life to live and so does your wife. Give her chance to find someone who actually wants to be with her, she is scared right now and so are you you, change is scary, but it’s time for you to be a man and step up, save everyone’s lives. Maybe if you show “A” that you have left your marriage she will respect you again or maybe you’ll find someone else you are compatible with, obviously you aren’t meant to be with your wife. Hopefully your wife will find someone who is excited about her and wants to spend their life loving her the way you felt about “A”. Your wife will talk you out of it and beg for you to stay, but you have to put your foot down and say no. She will thank you (maybe not out loud) one day when she is living a happy life. The first year will be rough, the divorce will be a nightmare, but eventually you all will come out the other side. You can do it, just do it! As long as she thinks there is a chance she will continue to do the pick me dance, much like a child who is in the toy store will beg for a toy until they get taken out of the store, once the option is gone she will have no choice but to think about what’s next and how to make the best of it. Help her gain her life, leave her. Honestly at this point you’re looking way more chumpy than her.

        • Oh she’ll go on to live a good life once he is gone, but there is no reason for her to ever thank him. It won’t be because of him that she lives a good life, it will be in spite of him. Whether he leaves or stays, he is still a cowardly selfish asshole for disrespecting her the way he did. Dating while married is cowardly and unacceptable behavior. This are no excuses good enough.

          • If this guy is real…he just comes off as such an ass, I don’t know if he is real. It isn’t even that he is dating while married. If the marriage is so bad, then leave. Somehow, he was able to leave before, so why not just GO?

      • Yoyo; you don’t need your wife’s permission for a divorce. If you are unhappy in this marriage, then file. Give her a decent settlement and support for your children, then go.

        Give her the gift of a new life without your awesomeness. (snort)

      • Yoyo,

        Here’s the touchstone on whether you are a shithead or not (and your comment above now really makes me think you are).

        In my comment, look for it, from QueenMother, I laid out some steps that you can take to mend your marriage. Read and comment on it. That will let us all see what you are made of.

      • Yo yo. You’re a pussy. You have the emotional IQ of a 12 year old boy. You are delusional. You think sticking your little dick in another woman makes you a man?!?! Well, obviously if you were a MAN you could at the very least muster up the courage to leave your adoring wife.

        I think we are all forgetting something here. This immoral, weak, common, ordinary, run of the mill NARCISSIST wants our attention! Oh poor pussy ass, morally corrupt MONSTER- you are so sick and pathetic you need attention, whether it’s positive or negative. This really speaks to your disordered character. So I hope you’re whacking off that diseased pecker as you read our comments. Please don’t delude yourself. We are enjoying this too. So, unfortunately it’s a win-win. I know how much you hate that.
        Btw. Just to let you know, your whore isn’t interested in you anymore because her brain is just as fucked up as yours. She only wanted you when you had a wife. Chew on that.

        I could say more, but you aren’t worthy of any more of my valuable time.

      • Tell her the truth. Every single, sordid piece of it, including the shit you haven’t even told your “true love.” Unlock all the porn on your phone, computer, iPad. Show it all. She will be gone before you get home.

        I am very familiar with your “type”. You show the least of it, hide the worst of it and pretend that you have given full disclosure. You are a motherfucking liar and you deserve whatever befalls you.

        Go look for your sparkly turds elsewhere. You don’t want advice. You want attention.

      • YoYo, you don’t need permission to divorce someone. Do it anyway.
        Give your wife everything and generous $ support. Then GO AWAY.
        You are making a mockery of her life and your children’s. That is evil and cruel.
        I hope you burn in hell for all the damage you’ve caused.

        WIFE of YoYo, read ALL the comments and your husband’s statements. He’s a complete Con Artist and it goes without saying, a complete douche-canoe. He’s just USING you and then complaining about it!!! Um, No. No. No. Get a lawyer and end this charade.

        WIFE of Yoyo is welcome here at CN anytime to “leave a cheater and gain a life”.

        btw, Tracy, best wishes for the surgery and the drugs! Hope it’s a swift recovery.

      • She cannot ‘stop’ you from divorcing her. Since when is a divorce she doesn’t want her responsibility? Divorce her and move on.

    • You,

      Print two copies of this article; one on standard inkjet paper, the other on sandpaper.

      Give the first copy to your wife. Shove the second copy up your ass.

      🙂

  • Good morning, Chump Lady (Tracy)! Wow, you are up early for surgery! I hope all goes well with you today and I hope you update us how it all went today. Said a prayer for you and will check back later to read everyone’s comments.

  • Yoyo,
    Have you given your wife all the facts about your cheating? Does she have a full picture of what you do when she isn’t around? No? Well then she can’t make an informed decision about getting a divorce.

    As far as she knows, you dated someone while the two of you were separated. That’s it.

    How about you tell her what you’ve been up to behind her back.

    How about you take accountability for your own actions.

    If you want a divorce, grow up, grow a set of balls, and DO something about it. Damn! Stop whining about how she made you stay in the marriage. That’s bullshit.

    You stayed in the marriage because it was more important to you to not offend your family with a dirty deed like divorce. That is your CHOICE.

    You cheated on your wife because your needs are more important than hers or your children’s. And THAT is your choice too.

    Do your wife a favor. Tell her about the 2 year affair, and file for divorce. Do this ONE good thing for your wife.

    Sincerely,

    CN

    • Ooh poor little cheater; his incredibly chumpy wife can talk him out of divorcing. It’s because you haven’t been dating your plan B or C or D yet!
      So afraid to look bad in front of your non-divorcing families but so willing to forget you had children and a wife while boffing A for 6 whole months of unwedded bliss! Grow a spine and divorce your chump and fend for yourself. Live in the cruel chumpless world without somebody to wash your undies, cook your meals and be a blow up Nancy doll in between plan B and C and D….

    • If I’ve learnt anything it’s that chumps NEVER ever get the whole truth. So we know yoyo hasn’t disclosed anything he hasn’t had to.
      It’s in “The Handbook” right ?! Yoyo keeps it in his pocket and pretty much knows it by heart (or the back of his hand because he doesn’t actually have a heart).

  • These fuckwits look down on decent people as they themselves lack any shred of decency.

    Don’t worry Cheaterpants because the day will come when your Wife will see the light and kick your cheating ass out the door. Then it will be woe is me from this idiot.

    • >>”These fuckwits look down on decent people as they themselves lack any shred of decency.”

      Yes. One of the first things I noticed about the asshole’s letter is that he uses the word “Chump” as a slur. Evidently (in his mind) it is better to be a cowardly, indecisive, narcissistic, mamma’s boy who wants what he wants when he wants it — and, damnit, everyone must revolve around him.

  • OMG! When I read the first sentence I wondered how this would go. My first thought was similar to your response, I was like I know he did not choose to write Chump Lady for sympathy! He claims to have been reading posts on the site, so you would assume he knew this was not the place for that. But I am still glad he wrote, it was so very revealing for me. Even though it has been rammed down my throat that this is how they think, I still wanted to believe that I could be wrong. But hearing it straight from the horse’s mouth. The nerve. Blaming the chump for staying, calling the chump weak, sniveling about how the chump did such an amazing Pick Me dance that it fooled you back into misery. I guess she should put on her dancing shoes every day and let you reap all the benefits. Now im not clear. I read and re-read your letter and couldn’t find it. What exactly are YOU doing to deserve her?

    • I hope his wife’s dancing shoes finds their way up his ass — they’ll go nicely with his head.

  • Wow. I would UBT this, but it’s just straight-up horrifying without it. This guy hates and despises his wife for loving him and trying her best to keep the marriage together, while he can’t even be bothered to screw his balls on to file for divorce.

    This is why you don’t take a cheater back – because they know they treated you like shit, and if you let them get away with it, they’ll despise you for it.

    • Truth.

      I think the only way to successfully reconcile is for the chump to take 100% control of the relationship, of all decisions, of the way forward, and the cheater has to follow every rule set forth by the chump. That is the only way to show true remorse, and for the chump to garner respect. Anything less, and they will despise you for taking them back.

  • Yoyo, I feel so badly for your wife. She is married to the greatest loser and coward in the world. Eewww. Please, please direct her here so she can promptly leave you and realize that she is better off without you. Even a stranger would treat her a lot better than you have.

    And you can’t file for divorce why? If you live in the US, she cannot refuse you divorce. Man up for once in your life and divorce her. She deserves her freedom more than you deserve yours.

    CL, sending you white light for a speedy recovery.

    • He can’t file for divorce because it’s a hastle!
      “You mean I have to retain an attorney, pay a filing fee, fill out forms AND go to a parenting class?!?! That’s what I have my wife appliance for! I have the sadz. You should all understand my sadz.”

  • Thanks, Yo yo.

    I finally understand why Chumps are the worst and fully empathize with your terrible situation for which you are in no way responsible.

    How dare she continue to love and support and forgive despite knowing who you really are? What a loser.

    And I’m really sorry about A. She sounds like she was the Real Deal.

    I wish there was something I could do for you, man. A blow job and a sandwich?

    It’s so hard when you’re honest, amirite?

    You da man.

  • Yoyo, I think it’s pretty fucking rich that you can stand in contempt of your wife after what you’ve done. Honestly, who the fuck do you think you are?

    • Mentioned this column to my boyfriend and he was wondering if it was actually Yoyo’s wife writing in – he didn’t mind that idea, though, he figured it can’t hurt to write out your concerns when you’ve been betrayed like this.

      Should imagining our own cheats’ letters to CL be tomorrow’s game?

      • Vulcan, I am smh. This HAS TO BE A TROLL…

        I mean, please God, tell me there is no one this shitty to his wife AND who would come HERE to whine about HIS feelings….

        I want to believe in humanity, but if this creature is real, then this is one of those moments that makes me question whether there is a God and if Karma exists…

        If he is real, then this vile creature is ugly and disgusting.

        • Oh he’s probably real. This wasn’t the first time nor will it be the last time a cheater narc came here looking for kibbles. They really ARE that character disordered!

  • This Guy! No one can refuse you a divorce. Please file. Your wife isn’t doing a pick me dance because she loves you, she is doing it because she is scared. I bet your wife doesn’t even like you. Be honest with yourself, what’s there to like? She has probably looked into good divorce attorneys dozens of times. You have really put yourself into a terrible spot. One day your wife will meet someone who will calm her fears and she will eventually divorce you. You will be left with no one. Alone. Which is probably a huge fear for you, but she won’t care and you won’t be able to talk her out of it. Also, she will take half of your money or more. At the end of this…she will be happy and you will be sad. Why? Because she was never this issue. It was never her responsibility to make you “happy”. That was your responsibility.

      • LOL , this is ABSOLUTELY the definition of the perfect response to this cheating piece of ickyness…

    • This is probably the big window into why he doesn’t file. He probably doesn’t want to have to give anything up (like a very reasonable 50% of the marital money and assets) or have to responsibly take care of his kids.

    • There is always the horrible possibility that his behavior will become so bad that it will make her decide that her fears can’t be as bad a what is actually happening. That is what happened to me. 3 years later, I am happy and moving on. She got married the day the divorce was finalized out of her fears of being alone. While I can’t prove that she cheated on me (and I don’t make accusations that I can not prove), the entitlement was certainly there.

    • That idiot probably thinks he deserves an annulment and his wife won’t play along pretending this wasn’t a real marriage he entered in knowingly and of his own free will, which produced children. Poor cheater!

    • Hahahaha … you hit the nail on the head! I woke up and did exactly this: I kicked him out, got full custody and 70% of everything, am divorced now with the kids, houses, cash, retirement, pets, reputation, community, dignity……

      X? Not so good. The sparkle of the current AP has worn off. The kids despise him. His health is shot. He’s an aging, small-limp-dick loser — total cliche- using his money to chase young gold diggers. Shallow and rotten to the core. Too bad so sad.

      My boyfriend tells me he is the beneficiary of the evil X perpetuated. My kids and I will never really “get over” the trauma but life is good today without X. Really good!

  • Hey Yoyo, we chumps take a lot of shit from our cheating spouses until we don’t. It took me 35 years of putting up with his secretary, his disdain, his laziness, his drunkenness, his Ambien use until I said “I’m done” I believed him for so long that nothing was going on with his co-worker until he answered his phone and it was a speaker and his secretary called him sweetheart, honey and I love you. I had my proof, I had no other options, but to kick him out. Cheating is a deal breaker, it is a loss of trust, it is proof that he just didn’t give a damn. We all deserve better. We deserve a better life. We deserve respect, We deserve compassion, We deserve a true life.

    Don’t be a coward, file for divorce or start being a better person and husband to your wife. Those are the only two options open to you. Life is too short to keep lying, Life is too short to keep hurting your family. How much hurt do you have to inflict on your family? Why is it always about you Yoyo? Your choices stink, be a man.

    • He can’t undo the damage, though. How good can he be to her? Not good enough to un-cheat on his family (because when you cheat, you cheat on the kids, too.) It isn’t that I disagree with you – I don’t mean to sound like that – it’s more that I truly hope he chooses the “file” option, for everyone’s well-being.

      The only truly decent thing he can do at this point is admit that she deserves better than how he feels about her, file, share the wealth reasonably, agree to care reasonably for the kids, and get in with his life.

      • And don’t marry anyone else. Save another woman the pain of being married to such a loser.

  • Clearly you are well read at chump nation. Have you read anywhere that people were sad to see fuckwits go?? If you honestly believe that your wife loves you, you are far chumpier that she ever thought of being. Open your eyes fuckwit!

  • As the cheater I read this site so there is no illusions of what I am and what I did. The comments and pain shared on this site replace what my spouse maybe can’t or won’t say. Sad that I need this for a reality check.

    • Glad you read this site. Why the fuck are you STILL using your victim as your facade, ‘chumper’94?

      Start by being honest….weird concept for habitual liars.

    • Another one…really?! Please crawl back to the sewer you came from. No one here cares about your “sads”. Bye Felicia.

    • When I married, I decided that as an act of love, commitment and devotion, I would see the best in my husband. I gave him the benefit of the doubt always. I was not jealous or suspicious. I was kind and decent. I thought it would contribute to a good, loving marriage.

      He was selfish and resentful from the beginning. He assumed the worst of me because it made individual situations work out HIS way. He avoided accountability and hard work by blame. He ceased “growing up” the day he started in with that as his main coping tool..and it went on and on and on.

      Selfishness is a poison that will ruin every part of ones character. By the time he died, he was a fucking asshole of a husband. He was mean, angry, blaming, immature, accusing and very very very very weak.

      and he hated himself….deeply

      so much so he refused to go to a doctor even though he didnt feel well.

      I found him dead on the floor of our house and I wept the tears of grief, love, devotion and commitment.

      It wasnt until later when I learned the real depth of his assholeness and I realized how much better my life was without him. I felt guilty at first but dont anymore…that he was such a wretched spouse that Im better with him dead is a profound tragedy…one whose seeds were sown with every act of selfishness over a long period.

      Either leave your wife now or grow the fuck up and learn to be a decent person.

      • I refer to my earlier comment. It’s too late to be good to her and the kids. The betraying isn’t recoverable at this point. Please leave, share things equally, be responsible for your kids long-term, and let her move on. If you want to be good to her and your kids, do this. If you want the best for all of you, do this. If you want to be a person you can feel truly good about long-term, ever, do this.

      • Wow! The first half is an absolute description of my marriage.

        I have to admit, is like him to have his heart attack before the divorce is final. Status is all he ever cared about and I’m dreading the spousal support fight we are about to have. Although it would crush my daughter in the short term, she’s better off than an ongoing relationship with a master manipulator. I’m now trying to address the entitlement issues he’s instilled in her, which is difficult to do when he’s buying her a $20k car before she’s even got her license.

    • STBX is that you? Yes there are a lot of things I say here that I can’t say to you or anyone else without looking like the bitter soon to be ex wife, but I am trying to move on from that. I need to get along with you on the surface for the sake of the kids and to lessen the drama and conflict as much as possible for everyone’s sake. That is why I come here to this safe place to vent and get it all out. Please don’t take that away from me (or whoever’s STBX, Ex, or Spouse you actually are).

      Thanks.

  • The sheer audacity of this guy actually sending a letter in to CL speaks volumes to the self centered entitled mentallity of cheaters. I still can’t fathom that craziness sometimes. Then I remember we just have to accept that they suck!!! Applying logic to crazy just wont work 🙂

    • Amen!!
      If we understood, we’d be just like them and none of us want THAT.
      I’m going to hang on to and share “Applying logic to crazy just won’t work.” We all try to apply logic/understand their side and it’s just not possible for sensible, sane chumps.

  • Yoyo, not sure where you live but in my state it doesn’t matter if the other party wants a divorce or not. It gets granted if at least one does!

    Just one time why don’t you DO YOUR WIFE A FAVOR and move to my state.

    I can’t imagine her pain!

  • Your wife will “refuse” divorce?

    What’s that line from Seinfeld: it’s not like launching nuclear missiles from a submarine. You both don’t have to turn your key.

    Don’t blame your wife for your lack of divorce. Just admit that you’re happy being married.

    Spineless.

    • Lol. Yes, great analogy. It takes two to do some things (like make a successful marriage). It takes only one to do others (like end a union and let the chump live an honest life with a chance for an honorable spouse).

      You nailed the problem, JC. Cheaters are cowards to their core. Infidelity is cowardly and so is blaming your spouse. Yoyo will just cheat again because it’s easier.

    • well said JC. And there is NO state in America now that requires the consent of each spouse to divorce.

      The old days of “Dallas” where Joan Collins screams she “will NEVER give you a divorce!” Are long gone.

      No excuses left, you spineless evil creature. Other than paying child support on time and in the correct amount, I hope you won’t “father” the children you spawned. Yoyo,

      You are a victim/martyr or hero in this (or any) story; you’re the villain. You’re the bad guy.

      Cut HER losses and get the hell out.

  • Oh so much cheater speak in this “poor me” letter!

    1) It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy
    2) It’s not your wife’s job to make the decision to divorce. Since she’s apparently running the show, I’m guessing she told you to cheat as well? Oh, she didn’t ??? I’m confused … I thought you needed her to make those tough decision?
    3) No wonder you are miserable, in your mind you’ve turned your wife into your mother (and from your post, sounds like your mommy/family is controlling) . My guess is your wife wants a partner, not a little boy who needs her to make him happy (and make all the tough decisions) so when it goes wrong it’s all moms .. err I mean, his wife’s fault.
    4) Since you’ve been reading here, you know CN would tell you to give your wife her dignity. How convenient that you’ll probably blame CN for our advise, and whatever pain your wife will suffer. It’s all CN’s fault!
    5) You were able to leave your wife once … and start an affair (I call bullshit, but whatever, it’s your story), but now it’s your wife and families fault for not letting you divorce? Hmmm… did your testicles shrink in the prenence of consequences?
    6) consequences: the effect or result of something happening EARLIER. Cheaters seem to mix up this concept, because of course “poor them”. Listen dude, all choices have a consequence, by prolonging them you make the situation harder.

    I could go on all day, but I’ve wasted enough time on cheaters, and I’m not going to re-parent you because your family failed the first time. Plus, you’d love nothing more than to have yet one more person to blame.

    • Consequences – thanks for bringing up that word.

      As I’m mentioned before (many times), my STBX is all about status and money.

      Had he cut the cord with me 15 years ago — even 12 — I’d have been able to recover my career. He’d only be in the hook for child support instead of the 40% of his income he’ll need to give me until he retires 12-17 years from now.

      Consequences.

    • Loved your comment Got-a-brain, especially your “did your testicles shrink in the presence of consequences?” Brilliant!

  • Or maybe his wife is just getting her ducks in a row, knowing this fuckwit won’t ever see it coming. They’re lack of empathy and awareness make them easy targets for a self aware chumps.

  • Yoyo – grow a set of balls. Tell your wife she doesn’t deserve a piece of shit like you and go suffer a lonely miserable life on your own. Your wife and kids deserve a better, happy life.
    Pay her attorney fees, therapy fees, and sign divorce papers that give her and the kids everything they would have had monetarily if you weren’t such a fuckwit and move on.

  • If Major Cheaterpants weren’t dead, I would swear he wrote this….this was the channel his self-pity narc self would have gotten stuck on.

    After years of him being HORRIBLE, cheating, lying, abusing, he said to me “for so many years, I just hoped that someone would just come steal you away” …he wanted the marriage over without the guilt or work of dumping me. So OF COURSE his cheating was my fault !!

    DDay, I told him the divorce was his to take, just go get the paperwork in order and he refused…he then proceeded to be the meanest bastard he could possibly be….to get me to throw him out…so he could claim victimhood.

    All along, we could have ended the marriage if he had simply said “I have decided I don’t want this anymore and I am proceeding with a divorce. You are a decent person, wife. I will be fair and I wish you well but this decision has been made” ahhhhhhh but THAT requires strength and integrity…something sorely lacking in the cheater.

      • Well sometimes things like do that happen. I mean, if she had wished he would just drop dead…

        (Jk, unicornomore, I know you wished he would have changed and done right by you. Me too!)

    • Mine said something along the lines of “For years, I prayed you would meet someone and not be my problem anymore”.

  • Isn’t he cool, he can come to a site where I am guessing most of us are struggling with self esteem and brag that he has two women with low self esteem fawning over his sorry lying, cheating ass.

    Even if you don’t have low self esteem and you are here, you probably have this crazy idea “do unto others as you would have done to you” but these assholes don’t get that.

    Funny me and my cheater both come from families where there was no divorce until this geration. I have a cousin who discovered her x was a narc cheater after 35 years of marriage and my stbx’s brother is divorced and I am pretty sure infidelity was involved but I wouldn’t know because surprise, surprise my stbx and his brother were estranged for most of our marriage and I am now sure stbx isn’t forthcoming with information anyway. Stbx mil would also be hush hush- image management.

    Here is a crazy one though, sometimes I feel bad because it took stbx leaving and pretty much ghosting for me to figure out who he is. Sometimes I am jealous of chumps whose husbands come back for the pick me dance. I know it is better that I know he sucks and I need to get rid of him but sometimes it hurts that his new supply is that filling.

    • “Here is a crazy one though, sometimes I feel bad because it took stbx leaving and pretty much ghosting for me to figure out who he is. Sometimes I am jealous of chumps whose husbands come back for the pick me dance. I know it is better that I know he sucks and I need to get rid of him but sometimes it hurts that his new supply is that filling.”

      I feel you. OW is, as far as I can see, a horrible, cruel, narcissistic individual. And I think: how can you “fall in love” with someone like that? And not even give our history the respect of trying and letting me do the dance? Then I think: of course I won’t understand it or their “love” – I’m the opposite of all those things.

      • Oh yes, same!

        Although I have never met OW, based on her actions, and social media posts, I feel like she is the covert bad girl he wants. Outwardly he can say look at me, I got a lawyer. Reality, she is a cheater, a barfly, a gol digger and someone who posts tons of snarky comments. As a friend of mine said, she is the mean girl in high school making funeral of the fat kid.

        She is nobody I would want to be Or be around so I don’t get why I feel jealous sometimes.

        • It just irks you that he found that piece of sparkly shit more attractive than you. I have that same problem. We have a tendency to think that means there is something wrong with us, but it is really just another example of what is wrong with them. If they like trash and they don’t want us anymore then that means we aren’t trash. It is so hard to accept that the person you were married to for so long prefers trash.

          These dim witted idiots have traded tarnished (at least in the eye of a cheater) silver for gold painted shit. The latter might look nicer at first glance, but the former is worth so much more and could have sparkled again with a little effort on the part of the cheater. That gold painted shit will start to stink soon enough. Too late now, they made their trade.

  • Hope all goes well today CL!

    Seems like what IS transparent is Yoyo’s inability to assume any responsibility for the disaster he created with his wife. Agency. He won’t own it. It’s all about sad, sorry him and how after losing his side piece, wife won’t divorce him.

    He blames his wife! What a coward and selfish twat. Yoyo, your are NOT a GoodGuy or GoodFather. You alone are the napalm in your marriage and family. You alone have chosen to be deceitful, selfish and immature- absolutely a shitty role model for your kids.

    Because you no longer FeelAlive with your wife, the mother of your kids, YOU, Yoyo need to honorably proceed with the divorce. This means a generous settlement so your wife can continue to be the single, sane parent to your offspring. I know denial is your friend. However, you are the shithead who chose your own path. Your wife will not ‘fix’ you. Your fuckbuddies won’t either.

  • I’m going to call bullshit on his first cheating being while “separated”. This whole letter is a pile of crap pity party to convince himself and others that he had good reasons to do what he did. I think he is also bragging that he is so amazing (gag) that his wife is flailing around trying to keep him. Guess he needs his hairy Narc sack tickled that people stop what they are doing to discuss him. They are “just living day by day” but she’s “throwing her love at him” so basically he’s a monster. My STBX SirLiesAlot would say “you just can’t seem to figure out how to get my attention”… shakes carrot… “if you wore a garter and heels to make me dinner maybe I’d have noticed you” … dangles carrot and steps back … “I hate you because you don’t text me fast enough so I need TinderWhore, NightclubWhore, ProstituteWhore, MarriedWorkWhore because they amuse me and you don’t know how to”. Interesting to read a Narc’s story but it’s like staring at a turd in a toilet bowl. Just flush it and get on with the day.

    • “….staring at a turd in the toilet bowl. Just flush it and get on with the day.”

      Quote of today.

    • Yeah, the they ‘were separated at the time’ is no where near the whole truth. I’m sure A. or B. or C. was in the picture prior to his “separation” and I’m sure the ‘separation’ was sold to his wife as something other than a true separation.

  • Centrality to just your wife isn’t enough for you, you want to try and be central to a whole bunch of chumps?

    How cluster “B”. Kibbles, kibbles, kibbles. Me, me, me….

    And the cherry on top? On a site devoted to helping others to heal from the damage inflicted by those of your ilk, you have the nerve to come here to complain about your chump who you have betrayed over and over and are currently using the shit out of.

    I wish I could say I’m shocked, but, honestly, you are just another run of the mill, character deficient cheater doing what they do.

    Dime a dozen really,…… yawn.

  • Although this guy ticks me off, he rings clear in what CL is trying to help us all understand…these types are as deep as puddles. I wish I had the wisdom that I have now back when I was married! They are not worth it!!! It is not good for the kids to be with a person who treats their parent with such cruelty! We will never fix things or make our needs small enough for these shallow black holes!

  • Yoyo

    The indecision must be so taxing. Let me give you a few suggestions. See a divorce attorney. File. In your settlement give your wife physical custody of the children, the home and its equity so she can refinance, half of all assets including your retirement, the better car, alimoney for life so she can send your children to college, health insurance, and child support. I’m sure she will get over her loss over time. We all do. Be humble, and then live the life you deserve.

    One thing I have learned is that regardless of what others say, I know the truth. You know the truth, she deserved better. Leave her with that.

    • Exactly. And Yoyo, this can all be started UNILATERALLY. You don’t need your wife’s permission to file for divorce. And in 6 months to a year she will realize how much better she is without you, while looking forward to half your retirement funds.

      • Exactly Tempest. He stated, “Divorce isn’t ‘done’ in our family.”
        The CONundrum: Maintain the good guy image my wife provides or enjoy the excitement of having no responsibilities with the OW. We know how that goes as they opt for delicious cake and lead a double life.

        Yoyo, come clean. We are well aware you seperated after finding the OW. It’s what narcissistic cowards like my X did repeatedly. You aren’t unique; the dream girls aren’t special. Yet the deviant really do belong together. You are predators. Divorce your wife and give her a generous settlement. Stop being a coward and own you story.

    • It actually worries me that he is on this site and knows that chumps can get their ducks in a row. I have no doubt he would not give his wife a good settlement, but rather try to get the best for himself and leave her penniless since he reviles her as she “ruined his life” (gag). Let us not fool ourselves with bestowing right advice to a snake.

  • The saddest thing is that we are feeding this dipstick by commenting to him. He’s probably getting off by reading the comments – after all they are about him – just like the world should be….He couldn’t grow a weed in a vacant lot – much less the balls to do anything right.

    NC to you….

    Beautiful day we’re having….Get well soon CL….stay cool CN!

    • Agreed! Prime time for this dip shit! He’s so sad that he’ll take a bashing to get his fill of attention. Character disturbed on full display today. Hope CL never gives a POS like this any attention again!

      • I had a boss once who paid a therapist each week to verbally flog him. He’d hand his therapist a list of his faults and pay this “therapist” to ridicule him and point out his failures and to yell at him. When my boss told me this, it was clear that he felt his sessions were a way to absolve himself from any guilt or feelings of inadequacy. He didn’t want to take the time to do introspective work to be a better person. Just wanted to be shitty, feel punished to feel relieved from guilt, then continued to be an ass daily. No different with this person. I think he’s only wanting to be publicly flogged so that, in his twisted mind, he feels like he’s admitting his faults to, therefore, shed his guilt.

        Could be wrong, but feels like he only wrote in on a public forum for betrayed spouses/partners so that not just ONE person could flog him – but have HUNDREDS of betrayed spouses/partners flogging him instead! Oh, the kibbles! Oh the freedom from guilt because I’ve already been punished!

        Gross.
        This person needs to take responsibility and leave his wife with a fat settlement and a link to CL.

  • Sense of entitlement – check
    Demanding centrality – check
    Blameshifting – check
    Lying to avoid accountability – check
    Lack of integrity – check
    Lack of commitment – check
    Shiny Bauble Syndrome – check
    Emotional depth of a sea slug – check
    Destroying the lives of people around him (including his kids) — and still being unhappy – check
    Master of the Pity Party – check

    Yep, he’s been reading from the Playbook. That, or he’s related to my STBX.

    • Great analysis, JesssMom.

      YoYo showed up at CN with the sole intention of feeling better about himself.

      I bet a million bucks he expected at least one compliment from someone in CN.

      Blames his chump and brags that he actually has sent her to CL and CN, but she refuses to visit us.

  • Hey yoyo, I fixed these for you.

    “I am the most indecisive person in the world.” -> I am the most indecent person in the world

    “I guess I was too weak to do it myself.” -> I definitely was too weak and characterless to do it myself.

    You’re welcome, douchecanoe.

  • Yoyo..

    You are a disgusting piece of crap! Your writing on this site for pity & understanding?

    If your “chump wife” has any brains..,she should throw your cheating ass to the curb!!

    Grow up & go find another lowlife that would screw a married man. Your excuses are disgusting. ?

  • YoYo,

    It would seem that your bullshit and lies know no bounds.

    You don’t need consent divorce, it just takes longer without it.

    If you’re real man, YOU FILE. You GIVE YOUR CHUMP EVERYTHING. You walk away, pay your child support and try not to fuck them up even more.

    If you’re a coward. You stay, you continue to judge a woman who is trying her best to save her marriage to a cake-eating fuckwit, and read this site.

    So, what’s it going to be? Trust me – Chump Nation knows which way you’ll go.

  • “Suddenly I saw her benefits” so… you have a “wife with benefits” situation and you want us to feel sorry for you. Go fuck yourself Yoyo. I sincerely hope your wife reads your letter, recognizes her story and dumps you on your sorry ass, you whiny piece of shit.

    • We are all pulling for the wife to find out what a low life she has for a mater! Sooner she dumps him like the girlfriend did the better. He will be all alone and sadz then!

      • I have this image of sad sausage sitting alone in a dumpy apartment playing with a yoyo. Full of sadz that he is so misunderstood. Oh please let it happen…

    • Beth,
      Just a quick look at today’s post topic.
      My mouth is still open, trying to come up with proper words to respond to yoyoyoyoyoyo.
      As usual, Beth, you took the words out of my mouth.
      Fuck off yoyoyoyoyoyo!

      Just going to take my lovely, faithful, dog for a walk. When I scoop her poop I will think of you yoyoyyoyoyo. My dog’s poop smells like a wonderful Paris perfume yoyoyoyoyoyo
      You stink!

    • Wife with Benefits! Yes Beth, that phrase sums it all up. Because these cheating fuckwits can look at a loving, self sacrificing, devoted partner of 25 years and treat them exactly like a “friends with benefits”–no real connection, no real commitment, just useful when they might need a little something-something. Whether the “something” be sex, vacuuming, childcare, or ego stroking.

    • Yoyo — print this thread and give it to your wife. And be man enough to admit YOU are the Yoyo.

  • Chumpos and Chumpettes, I see it a bit differently here, than I think many of you see it. I actually Yoyo and his wife have something to work with. I do.

    Look, he’s not in contact with his former AP. He’s not hooking up with new. He’s not hiring prostitutes. He’s not having online sex, online emotional relationships, not looking for Tinder as soon as wife has a coffee date with a friend, not masturbating to porn, not voyeuring through the windows, (Did I get everything?)

    He’s not all re-connected with his wife, but he’s not totally disconnected either. He actually lists many fine things about her. And she is trying.

    America has to be the most family-unfriendly, marriage-unfriendly nation. He has very little social support for staying together. There are some things that can be done, and I think his heart could turn towards his wife, and they could be reconciled.

    Here are some things I would consider: a change in some other area to offer growth and discovery. Perhaps religion / spiritual; creative: art / music / writing; sport; travel; develop male friendships; connect in a stronger way with children and parents, siblings.

    Look for ways to explore sex with his wife. Take 3-day vacations in town and go to a great hotel. Sex it up. Really focus on trying to please her. Emotions will come up, let them play out, and see what sexiness results.

    I don’t think the marriage is dead. I think they are both doing a lot of things right.

    One last thing, I would ask him to find a way to let that relationship go, the one with the co-cheater. I could go into that process more, but can’t now.

    • Are you kidding? Did you not read his letter?

      This isn’t America’s fault. The fault lies with the narcissistic fuck who cheats on his wife and then blames her for his misery. Give me a break.

        • Yep. I don’t know about you, but the idea of having sexy time with a man who cheats on me for 2.5 years and then blames me for it doesn’t sound very appealing.

          Furthermore, I would not ASK him to find a way to let his co-cheater go. I would instead contact my lawyer and leave him to it. (Which is what I did.)

          This is SI type speak. Over here, we don’t do that. Leave a Cheater, gain a life. That’s the only way you fix anything.

    • I respectfully disagree.

      1. “He has very little social support for staying together.”

      Not true in his case. He explicitly states: “divorce is ‘not done’ in our families” and he proceeds to say that their families “pressured us” to stay together.

      2. Basic respect if fundamental to healing a broken relationship. The letter writer has absolutely no respect for his wife … First he uses the word “Chump” as a slur towards his wife (multiple times). Second, he states (again, explicitly): “I moved back in with my wife 6 months ago, but I regret it every day. I made the wrong choice.”

      3. He refuses accountability other than to say he is weak. Because things happen. Mistakes were made. And, it’s all his wife’s fault. When blameshifting is the “go-to” excuse for bad behavior and bad decisions, there is nothing to work with. He states: “She’s been such a chump, and pick me dancing so hard, and throwing her love at me, and loving me ‘unconditionally’, basically refusing to divorce me. Because of her unwillingness to leave the marriage I am now stuck in it. And unhappier than ever.”

      4. He is acting with infantile rebellion to adulting and causing throwing his wife and kids under the bus to do it. This is not the substance from which a decent marriage can be resurrected.

        • I don’t think these responses are meant as disrespect to you, The emotional pot has been stirred and I think people here are just pointing out that the good you pointed out is what is expected in polite society not a reason to think the relationship can be repaired.

          If you have dinner with someone for the first time and as he goes to leave, he says: I could have stabbed you with my knife but I didn’t, I don’t think you would say “oh yes, what good character you have.”

          I think being a chump and sensitivity tend to go hand in hand.

    • We don’t actually know what he is or is not doing. What we DO know is that he doesn’t have the same values about marriage that you do, and that makes him exponentially more likely to continue un-marriage-like behaviors that will harm his wife and children.

      • Weird – I was replying to the Queenmother thread above and the site dropped it here. Sorry ’bout that. Confusing!

    • We don’t actually know what he is or is not doing. What we DO know is that he doesn’t have the same values about marriage that you do, and that makes him exponentially more likely to continue un-marriage-like behaviors that will harm his wife and children.

    • My considered view is that virtually NO marriage is worth saving after infidelity. Healthy Relationships are based on reciprocity, respect, trust, and a certain level of equality. Once a person has cheated, none of those things are present. The cheater has tipped the balance of power so strongly in one direction that no recompense can be made. The chump is forced to suppress their rage, depression, horror, in order to make a sham Marriage continue (notice I did not say “work”). And I believe this to be true even in cases of true remorse on the part of the cheater, and even when there are children involved (children do not benefit by having one parent, usually the sane one, broken).

      Game over. Choose self-respect over a relationship every.single.time.

      • Agreed tempest! After attempting wreckconciliation for three years after dday I can unequivocally say that once a third party had been brought into the marriage it is over.

        This guy sounds like my ex. Not that ex would write a letter to CL but the sentiment is the same. He was/is a victim of everything. A coward just like this guy. He didn’t “choose” to reconcile, to cheat, to divorce. He just went where the river of cake flowed and hoped to hang on to as much of his material possessions as he could.

        It would be nice if the coward who wrote this letter would accidentally leave his browser open to this page. It’s a bitch slap at first but the more you read the more you know that walking away is the only winning move in this game!

        • “A coward just like this guy. He didn’t “choose” to reconcile, to cheat, to divorce. He just went where the river of cake flowed and hoped to hang on to as much of his material possessions as he could.”

          My STBX fits this as well. I just can’t comprehend choosing to live this way. (Partly why I missed the signs for so long.)

        • I love it:

          He just went where the river of cake flowed and hoped to hang on to as much of his material possessions as he could.

          It should be the lyrics to a song

      • OMG yes !!! Cheating is a complete lack of respect! Without respect, nothing else matters. I haven’t seen a case yet where cheater can repair that. Maybe it exists but I feel like I would be more likely to win the power ball than meet someone who actually got that respect ( btw I have only ever played power ball once and have no plans of doing it again)

        Keep telling it Tempest: once is enough!

      • Agree with you 100%! Cheating kills a marriage ever time! Maybe they start a new one but we all know it will never be a true marriage again. Ever! The cheated on partner will never be the same. They will just eat the shit sandwich and stuff their true feelings deep down. Then they die a slow, torturous death!

        • An impenetratable barrier is erected in your psyche after cheating. In some aspect of your being, if you stay with a cheater, a wall is built for the duration for personal protection. A profound loss of trust that is unrecoverable.

          Cheating changes everything.

          • Calamity Jane: Beautifully stated. There really is no healing from the betrayal of a loved one. A part of it stays with you. I question EVERYTHING. Horrible way to navigate a relationship. Sometimes, the filter I now run everything through is terribly wrong, but I can’t stop it. Scars remain.

          • Oh so true. I stayed with him after the first D-day. But held a small piece of me back. For 35 years he never had 100% of me again. I nurtured that small piece of me and kept it safe while I ate that shit sandwich. In my heart of hearts, I knew it would happen again. How I wish in this instance I was wrong. On my own now and letting that small piece of me flourish in the sunlight. For me? It could be summed up in one word. Trust. “Cheating changes everything.”

      • Tempest,
        It is that one word, RESPECT, everything evolves around that one word, every yesterday, today and tomorrow.

        As a Chump who pick me danced, stayed with the cheater, the years have been difficult even though I did not knowingly suffer thru another DDay. ( that I knew of ).

        It is that “R” RESPECT word! Once broken, it leaves scars that keep ripping open.

        I see it every day in Chumps’ post. I live it.

        Hugs to fellow Chumps with big strong shoulders and overflowing hearts!❤️

      • Tempest, I believe you are right. Once something is broken, we can glue it back together but it’s never like it was before it was broken. I took my cheater back but I didn’t trust him any more, even though I really wanted to. Without trust, there’s nothing to base a good marriage on. Wish I’d known this back when I was engaged and my ex called off our wedding because he thought he’d “seen someone he liked better.” It came out of the blue, I was in shock. Then a few days later he begged me to take his ring back and said he’d made a mistake. I was so young and confused, and I was crazy about him. I chalked it up to cold feet. Long story short – Took him back…30+ years later guess he what he says as his reason for leaving? “I just saw something better.”

        They don’t change. It’s who they are.

        • I took my cheater back too. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him. I just didn’t care.

          Didn’t care enough to pick-me dance.

          Didn’t care enough to police.

          Just came to realize I didn’t care.

          Not a good way to continue a marriage. And if I hadn’t had a Dday, I’d still care. So foolish.

        • So many wedding vows with the unspoken “until something better comes along” clause that us honourable people don’t know about.

      • I’m able to understand one brief affair. One where the spouse wakes up and says to him/herself “what the fuck am I doing?” Seeks counseling to determine what’s driving their behavior and either recommits to the marriage or gets out.

    • Another thing he has to offer his wife: nothing but CONTEMPT for her.

      That, and total disrespect for her investing in the marriage despite everything he’s done to abuse her and put distance between her.

      It’s not that HE’s not having contact with A. It’s that A wont have contact with him.

      What marriage?

      This guy is just waiting for another Mommy-figure to come rescue him from himself again.

  • How about growing some balls and leaving!!!! Why does your wife have to do it? Because you are a wimp and need her. End of story. Life is hard when you have to pay your on bills and do responsible shit! Hey, you could just come here for your kibbles! Grow the fuck up and get out of the basement and quit playing video games all day. Please do your wife a favor and leave! Her life, no doubt, will be 1,000 times better without your immature bullshit around!

  • Congratulations Yoyo! It seems you’ve made it your life’s work to be King of the Assholes. You’ve succeeded! Good for you sport.

    I think one of the most nauseating things here is there’s actually kids in this who have to call you “Dad”. Holy shit . . .

    • My father was an adulterer too.

      Growing up with the entitlement was nauseating and damaging. If the kids don’t already hate him, they will probably want nothing to do with him when they are older. And just like my father this guy whines victim while he is actually victimizing others. Typical.

  • The very definition of “narcissist” is a cheating troll letter-writer send his story to CL, thereby seeking to be CENTRAL to a whole internet nation of people who have been abused by cheaters. The name “Yoyo” is a perfect descriptor (shout out to Mickey Blue Eyes). This person no capacity for love, fidelity, or commitment.

    Take note, Chump Nation. You want to know why your cheater keeps cheating? What great insight they have into life? What you fought to keep? Here is the sad truth: ” I never got a divorce, and I couldn’t give up my affair partner. I am the most indecisive person in the world. I had a 2.5 year affair, and I ultimately chose my wife and my kids. I’ve been broken up with A. for 8 months now and I moved back in with my wife 6 months ago, but I regret it every day. I made the wrong choice, but A. wants nothing to do with me anymore (understandably) and has not responded to any contact from me (doing the no contact as you also recommend on this website — it works — I hate that she’s moving on).”

    Let me UBT this: I WANT CAKE.

    • I couldn’t agree more. Every time one of these assholes come here, it’s always about the CAKE isn’t it? Look at me! Pay attention to me! Gross.

      • Indeed. And as I look at this, I can see how fired up I was based on the number of typos. He’s a cake-loving, attention-seeking, narcissistic, abusive, selfish, poor excuse of a husband and parent.

    • To piggy back on your post laj, he wasn’t happy, got ap, still wasn’t happy, dropped ap, still not happy. Moral: he will never be happy because he has arrested maturity and I am learning that is not curable.

  • YOU have the affair while separated and then YOU don’t have the balls to end your marriage? Sounds like wanting to have your cake and eat it too to me. And talk about total denial of who’s responsible for ending the marriage. You felt like it wasn’t working the whole time, then *magically* you saw “value” in your wife again? More like you liked the attention. Your wife is struggling with it no longer being the relationship she once thought it was too, she just didn’t go out and get herself another partner to tide her self over while being separated from your ass. As her marriage was crumbling, in her pain/confusion, she wanted to have her husband back. Who wouldn’t? Y’all are MARRIED. You know — love? commitment? Sounds like you had/have much more information about what was going on than your wife did (your remaining feelings for the OW, your waning feelings which became resentment for your wife), yet you neglect to share it with her and legitimately end the relationship. You dare to string your wife along but then get mad at her for roping you back in? Yeah, because you, a fully grown adult, totally had no choice in the matter. Blame yourself for the situation you’re in. You chicken shit.

  • Chump lady I hope all goes smoothly with your surgery and you recover quickly. This topic which will allow us all to put YoYo in his place should give you the positive adrenaline boost you need to get through the morning.

    This guy is a complete idiot waste of space, but so like STBX. During our brief attempts at reconciliation STBX said that just before he started his physical affairs, he was regretting that the EA he had eight years prior hadn’t gone physical. At one point I tried to point out that he likely wouldn’t be any happier with Schmoopie in the long run than he had been with me and his response was maybe not but he had nothing to lose by leaving me for her. I should have filed right then and there, but I continued to smoke the hopium for a while longer because I was still processing the fact that he is an idiot asshole. Still, even though I was hoping to save my marriage there was a part of me that was scared he would come back because then I knew I would always be under pressure to make him not regret that choice and, quite frankly, I had already been in that position ever since the EA and had been pick me dancing for years, and see how well that turned out. If he had come back it would have been for all of the wrong reasons and he would have resented me for it just like this creep now resents his awesome wife. Let Schmoopie be the one STBX resents five years from now when her sparkles have burned out, he still isn’t happy, his relationship with his kids is still strained, he doesn’t have any real friends and he doesn’t have a competent partner to help him navigate life. Some people just can’t appreciate what they have.

  • YoYo is the poster child for “Why you should NOT pick me dance and why you should NEVER reconcile with a cheater!” Cheaters do not measure anyone’s worth by character or love, but only how it benefits them. Even if they are exacting a benefit from their Chump they are always in pursuit of a greener pasture! They are never satisfied and will always pine away for the OW/OM. Chumps simply can’t fill that black hole of need, but neither will the OW. Sooner or later the Cheater realizes that relationship is also pure fantasy. Cheaters simply lack the required ability to cope with everyday life, problems and the ups and downs of marriage and commitment. YoYo, your wife will see you for the shallow POS that you are soon, then she will dump your dumb ass at the curb where you belong!

    • “Cheaters simply lack the required ability to cope with everyday life, problems and the ups and downs of marriage and commitment.”

      So simply and beautifully stated!

  • Yoyo,

    So it’s your wife’s fault that you are trapped in a miserable life because she danced the pick-me-dance among other sins. You even suffer no-contact from A. You are a HERO to put up with all this. A stoic cheater!

    When I began to read your letter I had a small spark of hope that maybe this “daily cheater” would actually be a case of true grace that DesertGuy, of Chump Nation, wrote about last month (June 26th): “People do not understand grace – they want a one sided grace … One sided grace says – God forgives me, so…. It’s all good. (‘I admit I’m a cheater’ No kidding!). Real grace profoundly changes the recipient – they see the depravity of their actions, the condition of their soul, the horror of their actions on others – and they are broken by it. Real grace is very rare…”

    That is what we chumps all ardently wished for until we organized our ideas about our cheaters’ characters here at Chump Nation.

    You are just a mocking, mediocre, flabby-assed cheapo.

    For my UBT of your letter I will repeat Chump Lady’s brilliant mind:
    “Cheating of any kind is pathetic. It’s what losers do. Colonization of peoples, slavery, discrimination, dead-beating children, siblings and friends, cheating and infidelity: all this is the same entitlement shit. All these dynamics are universal to anyone in any system trying to gain unfair advantage over another***. ‘You don’t deserve voting rights, you’re not ready yet.’ ‘Your skin is too dark’ (‘I deserve to cheat because my chump makes me remain married to her and she sucks’). The entitled will always seek excuses as to why their entitlement is Right and Proper. Once entitlement is understood as a toxic power dynamic, you’ll understand why the shit said by the Entitled is so UNIVERSAL.

    ***I BET a million bucks your chump is providing some kind of material benefit to you.

  • The only part of the letter I want to address is this:

    “Because of her unwillingness to leave the marriage I am now stuck in it.”

    Nope. That blameshift/pitifully-attempted mindfuck doesn’t work here at all. You’re not even remotely stuck; you’re just mad that, to get the divorce YOU want, *you* will have to look like the bad guy in front of everyone, instead of her.

    You’re a f*cking chickenshit… a whiny, pitiful excuse of a man who won’t take ownership over his own life. May your absolute cowardice rot out your psyche as you lay on your deathbed. Until then, enjoy this hell of your own making.

    • Maybe his chump isn’t as chumpy as he thinks. Maybe she just doesn’t want to do the dirty work for him. “You want the divorce, you do the work”. I admit I had a bit of that attitude for a while until I realized that although he would probably eventually get around to it, it would be when I least expected it and then it would just be another thing happening to me. I eventually chose to initiate the divorce when I realized that the timing of said divorce was the only thing I could control.

      • I also wanted to do it while he still had something resembling guilt and would give me a fair settlement.

  • Yoyo, your wife is a chump because she’s afraid! It’s not that you’re some prize she’s fighting for. She loves her family, friends, and security. You only love yourself. Since you are now “stuck” maybe you should kiss the ground your wife walks on for putting up with your shit. Look At yourself! Just a wishy washy nothing. It sounds like your so empty inside you have to have woman tell you you’re such a catch. If you work on loving people instead of taking from them, you will become fulfilled and realize what a self centered ass you’ve been.

  • Tempest – please bounce this idiot (and the other self identified cheater too) before I puke. Sir, you are a complete waste of our time, not to mention your wife’s. BUZZ OFF.

    Tracy – best wishes for your recovery.

    • I’ll prevent a flood of cheaters-with-the-sadz from posting, but deleting the comment of misnamed ‘chumper94’ means the good comments by chumps afterwards will also disappear.

      • I actually wouldn’t mind seeing a few more of the cheater comments, just not too many as we don’t want the site to be overrun. It is good to occasionally get their perspectives if only to see how truly messed up they really are.

        I think there are some who really are remorseful, but they don’t have the capacity or the courage to be unicorns. They are weak people, that’s why the strayed in the first place. As chumps our instincts are to want to help and encourage the weak to be strong, but in the case of our cheaters it is a wasted effort that will only drag us down. It takes a while for some of us to realize that.

        • I agree that it would be useful to see comments/letters from a few more cheaters . I’d also love to read more comments/ letters from Other Women and Other Men. Two of the loudest, most bitter Chumps I know in real life smugly screwed married men in their single days, but when they married husbands who ended up cheating on them… *waaaaaaaaahhhhh!* I’d like to understand how their twisted little minds work.

  • I’ll keep it simple and direct for your feeble and character deficient brain:

    Fuck you and your misery. Grow a pair of balls and take responsibility for yourself and leave, you cake-eating, soul-sucking leech.

    You’re welcome.
    Flaming middle fingers up and a throat-punch too.

  • YoYo,

    You wrote to Chump Nation to try and get more cake. It is clear you lack insight and empathy. You have no respect for your wife and children. Your soul must be barren of life. That is unfortunate. The comments above ring true, eventually your wife will reach her limit. Or, you can man up and divorce in a kind and compassionate manner and give your wife the gift of freedom. I used to have elaborate end of life fantasies regarding my ex. I don’t anymore as that would harm my children. Karma will come for you cloaked as a decorated cake. Now please do us all a favor and quit stalking the good people of CN.

  • Actually, I think we DO need to hear from Cheaters. If there is anything that illustrates the complete self absorbtion and disrespect of Cheaters, its this letter.

    Eurgh. Where do wives-as-human-beings fit in? Nowhere.

    I think we need to send it to anyone who is even contemplating the Pick Me! dance.

    • I agree Patsy. This letter from a run of the mill cheater and all the others like it over the years makes the case for leaving a cheater and gaining a life perfectly clear. As you said, “If there is anything that illustrates the complete self absorbtion and disrespect of Cheaters, its this letter”. Exactly. Yoyo’s use of every cheater tactic in the cheater handbook to try to make his wife look like the villain in the story is proof of why reconciliation with a cheater never works. That he would spin this fable on a site for chumps illustrates the absolutely mind boggling need for centrality and KIBBLES that it is near impossible for chumps to understand because it is so different from how we are built.

  • YoYo, you show so much disdain and ungratefulness for your wife’s love it is appalling! In your letter you steamrolled her over and over with criticism, but she has managed to swallow the bitter pill of your choice to cheat? Do you have ANY idea how difficult that is?
    You whine about the OW turning her back on you? What did you expect? These OW’s don’t like having to face obstacles because they realize you just aren’t worth it! The OW will find another cheater in a heartbeat. You aren’t special to her! She has her own agenda and that is to find a douche who is willing to abandon his family wholly and give her ALL the goods. Sounds like you were just too cheap to give your wife and kids a fair settlement and if you had to do that then the OW wasn’t going to gain anything so she hit the pavement to find another sucker to reel in! Does that tell you anything at all about the OW’s character? Trust me when I tell you that your fuckbuddy will run as fast as she can the minute you are sick, broke and no FUN anymore. You just won’t fit her fantasy! Any woman who sleeps with a married man has very low standards and is searching for something in it for her! If you fail to deliver then she will gladly give you the gate in record time. You berate your wife but you are the one who is stupid as Hell if you believe your OW really loves you. You are a fool!

  • Tracy – When you get back, please make a cartoon for cheaters who post on CN. I think it should be a someone furiously masturbating into a sock while reading all the comments, trying to response with one hand and drooling all over the keyboard.

    Yoyo. This is you.

    • Oh, damn, I was just waiting to get to the bottom of the comments before I posted, but Rumblekitty you beat me to it. That is pretty much the image I had.

    • May the letter writer realize just how “spot on” CL is, and may he be hit by the horrifying knowledge that he has just shown everyone that he is mundane among cheaters. Not special at all.

      I think letters like his can be cathartic for us. Too bad he gets stuffed on kibbles at the same time. Oh well, can’t have everything.

      Get well soon, CL! (It’s gotta be over by now, right?)

  • I have seen more versions of “I am really the victim” from these guys than I care to remember. So notice, he’s the “victim” of a chump here without really being one himself.

  • I can just imagine my stupidass X thinking this tripe. He was telling me shit like, “You HAVE to let me go.”. As if I was refusing to accept he didn’t want or love me anymore. The very next morning at 7:00 am the process server gave him his walking papers. No, Motherfucker, it wasn’t that I wouldn’t “let” you go, I was just smart enough to get my ducks in a row with an attorney before sending you packing. Shock was an understatement. Like this foolish POS here, he’d convinced himself that I was the pathetic one. Right before the divorce was final I received emails with stupid shit like, “I though you loved me, how could you do this to me, why couldn’t you wait for me, you didn’t fight for me!”. Give me a fucking break.
    I hope this dumb motherfucker here gets the divorce he so richly deserves. Bet $1000 he’ll be singing a different tune before the ink is dry on his divorce papers.

    • Yeah, he’s sooo desirable, that you would have never left him. He’s all that and some more. He thought he was so awesome that you were attached to him like a person is to life support. He thought you couldnt’ make it without him and you’re proving him wrong. Good for you!

      • Lol, ok, actually, he was a gorgeous man, but his beauty only ran skin deep. I don’t give a rats ass if he were the most beautiful man in the world, if your soul is black, you’re hideous. He still wants to come “home”, since he realized his “mistake”. FTB. His mistress can have him and his black heart. Life has only gotten better, lighter, and freer since his departure. Besides, I’m enjoying his karma from a distance. Turns out his fantasy came crashing down when he was in a full time relationship with her!

    • SugarPlum

      You nailed it. They love the shit out of the pick me dance which in essence is fighting for a dead fish.

      I changed it up last time and gave him his birthday to decide knowing it was over. No, the lazy pussy lover asked his daughter if he should invite me to his birthday party. She said no not knowing about the ultimatum. He just turned, 60, looks like an old man and lives in poverty with a grotesque pig. ? happy birthday ? lol. I purposely used that date as a reminder of his stupidity.

  • This is a man so desperate for centrality, he goes to an affair-survival website and trashes his cheated on wife. Self-pity is the voice of pride in the heart of the weak.

    My favorite comments? The ones that don’t even mention his letter.

    • Holy Crap … this is PERFECTLY stated: “Self-pity is the voice of pride in the heart of the weak.”

      I hope you don’t mind, but I’m storing that one away in my journal. 🙂

  • My cheater told me about his fling on our daughter’s 8th birthday last summer. He gave an obligatory apology and said he would do whatever I wanted him to do even if it meant moving out. I told him he had a decision to make and that if he wanted to stay, I would go to counseling and work towards reconciliation, but he had to decide.

    Less than a month out, he decided to move out.

    In hindsight, it was a wise move on my part…making him decide to move out. He wanted me to force him out/kick him out so that later he could pin that on me. When he finally told me who the OW was, (even though he said it was over) I was furious and I told him he was doing me a favor by divorcing me. Three months later, my two daughters went to his house for visitation (and after our divorce had been final barely a month) and informed that he had moved her and her 3 kids in with him. That triggered another furious response from me, to which HE responded that he didn’t understand why I was so angry since I made the decision to break up with him!!! Uh, what??? Apparently, admitting he was doing me a favor by leaving me, was breaking up with him, after he got a new PO Box, new bank account, kicked me off the car insurance….GAH!!!

    Dude….you’re a grown ass man. It IS possible for YOU to trot yourself to a divorce attorney and file yourself. BUT be prepared to pay BIG BUCKS for all that bullshit you’ve dished out. But hey, you haven’t taken responsibility for your life to this point, why start now right?

    Don’t worry, maybe you’ll have an accident and just save everyone else the trouble.

    POS…..

  • On behalf of your wife, I extend you the following statement.

    “Thanks for the sperm. Now fuck off and stay there.”

    • LL, yep, a troll. When I was about half through reading it something felt off. I read it again. I think it is someone having fun at CL/CN’s expense, which makes him even more horrible. Yoyo, or whoever you are, get a life. No narc cheater is going to write to Chumps. Why would he? But a troll would. Go away, ultra maroon.

      • Does anyone else recognize the writing style and attitude? I think the troll is Elle.

    • I had that thought too, but it still feels good to have someone act as the punching bag for all of the things we wish we could say to our cheaters.

      • Also, real or not, the attitude displayed in this letter shows similarities with STBXs resentment of me for the fact that he chose not to take the EA of many years ago to the next level. He regrets what might have been. I know he would have regretted it then if he had because eventually he did get annoyed with the EA partner (who was the aggressor in that case) and was complaining to me about her and how she just wouldn’t leave him alone. I happily gave him advice on how to make her go away. I guess when he became unhappy with his life and decided to blame me he remembered that whole episode a lot differently. This time he chose to run off with his PA (who actually has a lot less in common with him than the original EA) to find out where that might lead. Devastation and regret is my prediction, but if I don’t let it happen he will never know that and will forever resent me for not letting him find out. By the time he figures out what a mistake he made, I will be long past meh and won’t want anything more to do with him anymore.

  • Douchebag, do your wife a favor and divorce her in spite of her protests. If you had any courage ( or course you don’t you’re a loser cheater), you’d divorce her and live with the consequences.

  • ???
    CL you are right. They truly are losers in every sense.
    They don’t want our love, care or concern chumps! They don’t even want our forgiveness. They just want you to fuck off!
    ???
    Oh! they are pathetic .

  • Has anyone here noticed that none of the timeline he has given us (and we do not give a shit about his “truth”) adds up? He was gone for six months, then another six months, then there is a reference to eight months. He talks about three years, then two and a half years. It is bullshit soup.

    This guy can’t even be honest to a group of strangers, or himself for that matter. But his poor, uninformed wife is to blame for his cowardice. At least this letter has given a very clear picture to anyone wondering whether to stay with a cheater. This is truly what they think of their innocent spouses.

  • On or off topic, I have to get this off my chest today- don’t know if it will help but it is eating at me.

    Had a sort of a blow up at son this week. The trigger was he is helping stbx with something through his summer job. I think it irritates me because he got the job through a connection I made.

    Anyway, he brought up (again) that Stbx says he wants me to be happy and wishes me the best. Because I do not believe this, it pisses me off. I tell son, in a less than calm manner, while he says he wishes me the best, his actions show differently. I then tell son that Stbx is a liar, as we know from past events and I am not going to lie and I do not wish Stbx the best, instead I hope he rots in hell. Now I know that every professional in the world and maybe even most of you chumps would tell me I did not handle that well or correctly and I even knew that at the time but I am either not that strong, didn’t care enough or maybe I am even narcissistic and feel entitled to rage.

    These are the moments when I worry son does not see Stbx for who he is and will follow in his footsteps. Son has talked to priest and priest says he does get it and I need to step back and know he will be ok.

    Any tips on how to do that?

    • FeelingIt–this process is crazy-making. Yes, you probably want not to rant to your son again, but let yourself off the hook for this past rant. I still have the urge to shake some former friends and show them my overwhelming evidence that my X was a predatory professor to more than just one student. We want people to see the cheaters for who they are, with the clarity with which we now view them.

      The problem is that other people may either need time to come to those conclusions themselves, and our rants may actually make them defend the cheater, or that they have their own vested interest in thinking of the cheater as a flawed-but-otherwise decent person and nothing we can say will alter that.

      Part of the detachment process is detaching from caring what other people think of the cheater, and from interfering in their relationship with the cheater. In the long run, this is probably harder than detaching from the fuckwits themselves.

      However, one good expose of cheater’s flaws to son/friend/neighbor, may be useful (and that’s what you did). It makes us feel better, and plants the seeds for others to detect the cheater’s character. Don’t beat yourself up.

    • Hey Feelingit — yes, some tips.

      First, your instincts are right on for what you told your son.

      Second, I like the support you’re getting from your priest (son does get it and son will be okay). If priest means “you don’t have to worry about your son” when he says “step back,” okay, you can do that, cuz that problem is solved for now.

      Here is a nifty thing for staying present: if you get triggered, go right it down in your trigger notebook, promising yourself that when you’re calm, you’ll come back and resolve it (as best you can, in this time and place). Then, calmly go back to what you were doing. This will give you more and more control and power.

      Go back to your notebook, in 20 mins, two hours, three days, when you’re calm. Read what you wrote (that’s why you’ll need to capture as many details as you can), make a plan that will resolve whatever it was that triggered you, as best you can.

      Here’s a possibility: think through what actions STBX would need to take if he sincerely wished you well, and tell him what they are (calmly).

    • Yes I so get that. STBX is trying to present his relationship with Schmoopie as something positive to friends and family and it eats me up. I have no real evidence that anybody is actually buying it, but I still have these irrational fears that they are or will. I can’t say anything though without making myself look bad and him look like the reasonable one. It goes beyond “trust that they suck” to trust that others in your life that you are close to don’t “suck” and will see the “happy” couple for who they really are even if they don’t always express it they way you would like to.

      Part of the problem is that our cheaters left us without the shoulder to cry on and the person who is always in our corner and will agree when we say “he sucks and so does the whore he ran off with”.

      • This site is amazing- time for a donation. So much better than I have ever had in a therapy session. I get the benefit of multiple counselors who understand all in one session and no paperwork. I will try to stop and write next time. That will be a challenge but if I can keep self talking that I am not responsible for other people’s relationship with cheater maybe I can will myself to do that! I am learning patience in the divorce process.

        • I’m right there with you. It is SO HARD to not vent to my 7 and 9 year old when they tell me how nice Twatwaffle is to them. It makes me furious. I find myself blurting out what a piece of shit she is and how it’s her fault that their dad doesn’t live with us anymore…his too, but I don’t seem to lay it on as thick on him to them, which might be okay? I’m not absolving him by any means, but I’m less harsh towards him with my girls.

          I do find myself apologizing to them though. I tell them I am having a very hard time with Daddy leaving and that everything is very new and a little scary to me and that I am just trying to do my best. They’re forgiving of me… I just keep it honest as much as possible. I will not hide the emotional turmoil he has caused me….but temper is a bit for them.

          • You don’t trash him as much as the twatwaffle because they are half him and you don’t want them to feel bad about that. Twatwaffle is just the outsider who has taken time and resources away from the family he was supposed to love.

    • FeelingIt, it’s very common for the cheater to “wish chump the best.” Since they made unilateral decisions to destroy the marriage and are in control they act all magnanimous around others for image management. You, on the other hand, have had a bomb thrown into your life that you didn’t see coming. You are scrambling to figure out what to do, how to cope, with no benefit of preparation to make plans like your cheater did. Your deep anger is justifiable.

      I told my grown sons things I shouldn’t have when I was having emotional melt downs after my ex left. Would I do it differently if I knew then what I know now? Yes. Is there anything I can do to change the past? No. All we can do is keep moving forward and forgive ourselves as we make mistakes in learning how to cope with the overwhelming situation we find ourselves thrust into. Now that you’re calmer and have had time to reflect, you might write your son or have a talk with him. I did this with my son and admitted that I’d said more than I intended and was sorry. I showed empathy for what he was going through too, and told him if I did or said something to upset him in the future I wanted him to bring it up so we could talk about it and work it out. It seemed to help.

      Hang in there!

    • You have been through a traumatic injury. You are going to have bad days, even bad weeks and months. Your children, no matter their ages, are going to share those bad times with you. For me, the most important thing was to be acknowledge the anger I was feeling, but to let them know that I was not angry AT them.

      When the subject came up, and it did frequently at first, I told my kids that actions matter. The actions of my X made clear to me he didn’t love me and he didn’t want the “best” for me. His conduct told me all I needed to know about his love for me.

      I did not try to tell the kids X didn’t love them, because to the extent capable, I believe he does love them. But it was not their job to try to make me feel better about what he had done to me, or to help us navigate our post-split relationship.

      I did so many things wrong with my kids. I overshared, I leaned on them far too much. They saw too much anger and too many tears. In fact, that anger propelled me to change my life-at the very specific urging of my youngest daughter. As I have posted before, she point-blank asked me,”Are you staying for me? Because if you are, please don’t. I see what this is doing to you and I will be okay if you leave. But this is changing who you are.” And it was. I was becoming someone I didn’t like very much.

      Be kind to yourself. If you cross a boundary, don’t be afraid to admit it. It is okay that you don’t like your X. That is why he is your X. If necessary, walk away when you feel you emotions are overwhelming your ability to talk to your kids about your feelings.

      But make clear to your kids that they don’t have to be in the mediator between the two of you. If you are able, find other people who can be your sounding board and vent to them. As weird as it sounds, I have treated this as a death, the death of a dream. When I view it in that light, I am much more understanding of my need to grieve and more importantly, my right to begin a new life for myself.

      • The grief of this at times, has been on par with the pain I felt after losing my son. I never thought anything else could compare, but this does. I sometimes sob at night and can’t sleep. It’s sometimes just as painful moving forward. The only thing I have now that I didn’t have was the anger. I wasn’t angry when he died. Sometimes babies just die, and it’s no one’s fault.

        THIS…..this shit is the deliberate, selfish and willful act of someone hell-bent on disregarding everything everyone close to him contributed to his daily life. This is bullshit. The anger I feel over this pain being on par with the death of my son, leaves me incredibly pissed off. I’m angry that the pain even compares. It feels like that because it does, it legitimizes my ex in the same place as my son….and I resent that so, so much.

          • Yes, and the world would be a better place.

            I like you have felt this grief before. The first time was when my dad was diagnosed with cancer and the prognosis was 5% chance that he would live more than two years. He got a miracle though and lived 21 more years. A lesson in statistics.

            Second was losing a baby at 27 weeks pregnant- an anomaly. I, like you was devastated. One of the distinct moments I remember (this was 18 years ago) was sobbing uncontrollably one night about 4 weeks later and stbx said I am done talking about it and rolled over and put a pillow over his head. At the time, I rationalized that that was just his way of dealing with it. Now I see it as a narc sociopathic response “I am over it, I don’t give a fuck how you feel”

            I am so sorry for your loss- time is the only thing that helps. It has now been a little over a year since he left. I was a mess and lost weight I didn’t need to lose. My kids didn’t like what they saw and were scared but a year later I can eat again and some days too much. I can sleep and even laugh. I look forward to the divorce being settled and feeling better than ever.

            I have printed this thread and will reread it as necessary,

            ?

        • It is deliberate Sunflower. So sorry for your loss.

          The resentment builds because when you NEED them the most the mask drops.

          I was mourning the loss of my mother, my best friend in life and he just couldn’t accept I had needs.

          We tow the line and the minute an expectation arises they bail in the most malicious manner.

          You deserved better.

      • violet, although sometimes I kick myself for how much I leaned on my kids during that time I think it’s understandable since I was basically isolated. At the time, my kids were the closest people in the world to me, and I felt like he was leaving all of us and not just me. Turns out he was leaving just me. At least he seems to have reconnected with the kids, even the one who was most angry with him. Anyway, if I’d had better social networks on D-day, I’d have been better prepared. I wish I hadn’t told the kids so much, but then again I don’t believe in lying to kids either. They always find out. Ask me how I know. I grew up in a family that tried to keep secrets and the kids always found out…even if it took them most of their life to track down the truth. Better to get it out in the open. Just maybe without so much commentary. LOL.

    • FeelingIt, I totally understand you and I agree with Tempest.

      Another member of CN once wrote (can’t remember who, but the words and idea stuck with me because they make a lot of sense) that she/he told her adult son that it was in his own interest to see the cheater for what he/she was.

      In his own interest.

  • Ah, Yoyo? You are a teeny tiny man with a teeny tiny heart and a teeny tiny brain that cannot begin to comprehend a thing called “insight”. I’ve got five minutes so I’ll give you some clues:

    Clue #1. Second paragraph: “A. Lit me up, made me happy, and I feel like she was the love of my life.” Notice the pronouns? ME. MY. I.

    Clue #2. Second paragraph: “Suddenly I saw her benefit, her love for me.” I. ME.

    Clue #3. Though you don’t say, I’m assuming when you went back to your wife your relationship with A. overlapped. She may have some character and objected strongly to being strung along. I would imagine she was highly offended and realized what a self-centered liar you are, thus the no contact from her. (Bravo to A., by the way.)

    Clue #4. Your wife knows what a douche you are. For her own personal reasons, she has decided to suck it up and stay with your lame ass. Faithful spouses tend to make decisions that are NOT based solely on their own selfish wants and needs. They take into account their children’s lives, extended family, etc. It’s not because you are such a prize. She has something called Em-path-y. Look it up.

    Hope I helped clear up some of your misguided attempts to make sense of utter nonsense.

    Your wife may be a chump, but all of us here know being a chump is better than being a douche.

  • I think it is BS that cheaters set off bombs in their partners lives and the partners are left behind trying to pick their self esteem and what they thought was a real relationship off the ground. It has been 8 months since DD for me. I am coming to the realization that not only did my cheater want out but he wanted me to pay for it and for him to come out looking like the victim. Wish I knew about CL then. Why even marry someone you have no regard for?
    Now his contempt for me is such that he left and blocked all contact, he canceled the kids cells of his plan and changed his number. No one has seen him since. Just a couple of emails asking for personal items left behind. No how are you or the kids.. not even including my name. He’s too much of a coward to face any of us. Do your wife a favor, tell her you are leaving. Be respectful and honest and don’t abandon your children. They will hurt but not be left with wondering why they are not good enough like my kids and I are

    • Heart broken,
      This is such a hard time. No one should have to go through it! The rejection, abandonment, replacement, lies, abuse, financial stress, PTS and concern for the children all at once is a lot to handle. It’s especially hard to see our kids confused & hurting.
      The upside of your situation is that you & your kids see who he is right away and you do not have to co-parent with someone like that! The sooner they know the truth, the sooner they can begin the healing process. You and your children are good enough and are not the problem. He is!
      The child of mine that has struggled the most is the one who stayed in denial the longest. He tried desperately to find something good in his father & gave him every chance & excuse. Five years later, he saw the truth. He told me that he just wanted there to find something good in his father since he was part of him. He knows now that who his father is does not define who he is!

  • Great example of an abusive narcissist; always the victim.
    Like my ex said after we split and he tried to beg me back and this time I didn’t fall for his lies.
    “You know it’s kinda your own fault I hurt you. You kept taking me back and forgiving me. Every time you took me back I thought, “I got away with that what else can I get away with?””
    Once again, all my fault for believing his lies.

    • So sorry you had to hear this crap.

      My STBX said something along the lines of, “You were too trusting and naive – so it was easy to take advantage of.” Well gee, thanks for punishing me for being a decent human.

  • Do you even LIKE your wife, YoYo? Because it sure doesn’t sound like it. And, as others have pointed out, you seem to have this attitude that whoever can give you the most amount of pleasure with no work at all on your own part, that’s who you want … for that one minute. “I want wife … no, AP .. no, wife … no …. Darn! NONE of them make me happy! I wonder what the problem might be???”

    You, little man-child, have some self-work to do, to realize it is not anyone’s job to MAKE you happy. Got a mirror? (what am I talking about — you’ve probably got dozens!!!) THAT is the guy whose job it is to make you happy.

    As for your wife, I pity her, having debased herself in sacrifice of a promise and commitment she mistakenly made to an unworthy partner. I hope she wises up and realizes she the prize she “won” is someone who insults her, still pines for someone else, and wants to divorce her but lacks the courage to do it himself.

    Thanks, CL, for running the letter — a good reminder how entitled, shallow, selfish, cowardly and greedy these cheaters are.

    And good luck with your surgery. Speedy recovery.

  • Yeah, it’s just as I’ve always suspected…if you give respect and love to those who haven’t actually earned it, all you get in return is devalued. It’s the true meaning of “no good deed goes unpunished.” Not that I care what the disordered think of me anymore, but I definitely wouldn’t allow myself to get into this position again with one of these fuckwits. Lets hope this guy’s wife stops smoking hopium and leaves his disordered ass. Gotta love the victim-y whining, as if he couldn’t just walk out if he really had the balls. He’s so lame he’s not even worth hating.

  • Correction: absorbed asshole – of course. And bring out the violins woe is him the poor misunderstood deprived of his happiness cheater. ANthing to justify his actions.

  • Clearly Yoyo is an entitled, narcissistic asshole who can’t even begin to perceive his own shortcomings.

    However, I do really like it when CL posts letters from cheaters and affair partners. They’re like a different species from us, so it gives rare insight as to how their twisted minds work. Sort of like finding out what your dog is thinking about, only super creepy.

    I’m convinced that chumps are a higher-evolved form of homo sapiens. I’m so glad I’m a chump and don’t share any of the atavistic traits that make people cheaters.

  • I feel terrible for Yoyo’s wife. She certainly did not deserve what that child has put her through, and she certainly doesn’t deserve his contempt now. However, I see her situation a bit differently than many here at Chump Nation, and I can’t help but wonder if she’s one of those chumps who is actually a complete bad-ass in disguise. We are legion. I’ll explain.

    I don’t think she needs pity so much anymore. I bet dollars to donuts she’s got this man-child handled. It is clear he isn’t an intellectual or emotional giant, and I bet she knows that better than we do. He is also pretty clearly a spineless weakling who doesn’t appear to have the slightest agency on his own, and I bet she knows that, too. So, she refuses to divorce him, knowing he won’t have the sack to do it on his own. That’s power.

    So now everything gets to happen on her timeline, and she’s sitting at the controls. She’s skimming off the grocery budget week after week, in cash and in buying giftcards at the little kiosk at the front of the store. She’s trimmed the actual food budget down to bare essentials, and our little boy Yoyo doesn’t actually know how to adult, so he has no idea what things cost. But she’s stashing at least a $50 giftcard and a little bit of cash every shopping day. She’s keeping the change from the returnables, and she’s stashing that, too. Her aunt sent her some birthday money in a card, and that got stashed away, too. Her sister sent her a giftcard for a higher-end makeup store for Christmas, and she traded that giftcard on on an exchange for cash. She’ll make do with drugstore mascara for now. At first, it was shocking and illicit, keeping this secret from her idiot husband – but all she had to do was remind herself why he isn’t safe. What came next was being surprised at how quickly money adds up when you don’t have Captain Needypants grasping all the time to fill the empty void where his soul should be. She asked for a raise at work and got one. It wasn’t a whole lot, but she somehow forgot to mention it to Yoyo…and that extra is going right in her pocket. It was then that she knew she could do this. She’s got an apple juice jug shoved into the back of her closet, ironically obscured by her wedding dress hanging in it’s storage bag, where she throws change in every day, including his change, which she skims when he’s otherwise occupied. She takes that change to a Coinstar every couple of months, and comes away with another $100 or $125 he doesn’t know about. She’s gonna keep that house and the equity in it, and she’s subtly separating the marital funds in unobtrusive ways so there will be a clean break. She’s building nice little walls around assets, and using his money to pay down debts, little chunks at a time. She’s only told one trusted person her plans, and that person opened a bank account where she stashes the money and it is growing, slowly but surely.

    She knows waaay more about his beloved “A” than he thinks she does, and she had the presence of mind to keep every scrap of evidence about their stupid affair while she was in the super-sleuth mode we almost all go through. She’ll leverage it if or when she needs to.

    His relationship with the kids is a strange one, affair or no affair. We all know an affair is only the latest symptom in what is likely a long pattern of entitlement and extreme self-worship, so all she has to do is be the safe, sane, available, invested parent to come out on top in the kids’ eyes. His relationship with the children is suffering in his hands, and he is too thick to realize she has stopped running interference and enabling their dad to look like a good guy when he isn’t. He fired her from that job. The kids are figuring him out, and she hasn’t had to say one harsh word about him. She out-parents and out-invests him all over the place, and the bond between her and her children is even more rock-solid than ever before…while Yoyo is baffled as to why his children always seem to bypass him and go to Mom for everything. She lovingly and compassionately points out to him that it is just a stage, then passes the hallway mirror and winks at herself, the sly fox. She has his comings and goings on a Google calendar she regularly back up to the cloud, so it is right there in black and white, all the family dinners and bedtimes and outings and parent/teacher meetings and dentist appointments he didn’t attend. Remember, the entitlement runs through all things and at all times, including feeling entitled to have the wife appliance do the boring stuff. She is going to get the bulk of the custody, and even if she doesn’t manage her goal of 80/20, she is secure knowing he will shuffle the kids off to her every chance he gets. He is completely inept, and he knows it. She’s making sure he stays that way.

    She runs the script of needing him and being completely invested in the marriage, and she uses her unwavering belief that they can “get through this” as a tool to pressure him into also investing more and really get some help for his issues. She pledges her unwavering support and unconditional love. Understand, she knows he isn’t capable of ANY improvement, but she knows it needles him. She knows he wants nothing more than for her to walk away so he can look like the guy who got left. It needles him so bad. He has become prickly and moody, having irrationally angry reactions to his wife’s devotion. So she makes sure she adores him extra hard around family and friends. But he’s stuck – who would side with a guy who complains that his wife loves him TOO much, is TOO devoted, is TOO faithful, does TOO much to help and support him? Even he’s not dumb enough to dare complain. But his feelings show in ways he doesn’t notice, and their social circle is starting to think of him as cold, maybe a bit unstable, and ungrateful for his many blessings – while she is considered warm, patient, and kinder than he probably deserves. His wife lost count of how many times she’s been told she’s a saint for putting up with his mercurial and depressed ass – dozens at least, and many by his own mother.

    She’s got $10,000 in cold, hard cash…she started from nothing. That’s on top of the money she set aside for a top-notch lawyer, of which she has interviewed dozens in their area. She’s got virtually no debt. By the time she is done, she will have six months or more of living expenses, in full, and without counting ANY child support or spousal support, without touching a credit card, and without counting her income.

    She wishes it could all be done in a matter of weeks, but she’s pragmatic enough to know it takes longer than she’d like. But she’s coming out staged for a wonderful life, and the Loser if just gonna keep losing.

    Ask me how I know.

  • WTF, this guy go brain dead or what.

    Why is it his wife’s fault they did not get a divorce because of his cheating and her doing the pick me dance. Its your dam fault for not divorcing her before you went down this path you narcissistic, blame shifting moron!

    I have learned in my age that any person I meet that blames other people for shit that was obviously there fault is a person I just nod my head to and once that conversation is over I make sure to never speak to them again!

  • Hey Yoyo,

    I don’t understand why you can’t get divorced. If she won’t engage in the divorce proceedings, then you can get an uncontested divorce.

    It takes two people to get married, but only one to get divorced.

    You have no respect for this woman — move the fuck on so she can heal and get a life without your resentment and contempt. We’ve all been there. You suck.

    • I thought to myself the same thing!! But no, it’s easier to remain in a miserable situation, because he wants his lifestyle, while he satisfies his dick outside the marriage. This guy is exactly where he wants to be. If he can fuck someone else outside of a marriage, he can sure file for divorce. I would think filing for divorce is much easier. He just chooses not to.

  • Little Mighty Me, awesome! To have the presence of mind and determination to plan the perfect “gotcha” on a cheater and create a safety net for you and yours is the best I’ve ever seen. I hope you are right about YoYo’s wife, but if not then this is the best blueprint I have ever seen. Can I add something else? My Ex was into expensive clothes and gadgets which he would either never wear or use. I would “clean” out his closet and the garage “for him!” I guess he thought I was giving the crap to charity, but we had high end consignment shops and they would resell his nice stuff for top dollar and cut me a large check each month! Use the cheaters crap to build a war chest too!

  • Some food for thought YoYo…

    Let’s talk about the BIGGER PICTURE here:

    It does not matter if your families “believe” in divorce or staying together “no matter what”. They do not have to live/walk in the misery that you have created for both yourself as well as your wife…and soon, your children.

    Staying together (with the attitude and behavior that you have) actually dishonors God…it is a mockery of the meaning of the Holy Marital Covenant, which was to be an earthly example of selfless love and giving as like our relationship between ourselves and the Lord (see your wife as a good example). It is not like you have ANY remorse or intention to love your wife and repent/make amends/restitution. You are living a lie and mocking the Blessed God of the Universe…the King of Kings. He SEES into your black corrupted heart. He SEES that you are trying to drive your wife into doing your dirty work by getting her to break her Vows to Him. But you have already broken them in God’s eyes. Finish the job.

    The contempt that you have for your once beloved wife as well as the stumbling block that you have become for your children is now written in Eternity…and your name will be blotted out of The Book of Life if you do not repent from the heart. Your Treason is nothing more than the exposure to the condition of your eternal soul. The mouth of Hell opens wide to receive a man like you.

    According to God, you are a Coward, a Liar and an Adulterer…this is an undeniable and indisputable FACT. You are circling the drain. You will answer to all three things some day…and as much as your wife is trying to love you back from the fires of eternal damnation, she simply CANNOT save you because you are a Wicked man bent on creating destruction. The horrors of sin that you have so easily embraced is yours alone to deal with…your wife and children are simply the collateral damage.

    • Sweetz, that is an awesome warning. Thank you. ‘Princess’ Yoyo… You are no prize to anyone.

    • Sweetz, you have so pointedly and accurately everything I have longed to say to my ex. Unfortunately, it would probably go in one ear and out the other. He’s shown by his actions that he isn’t concerned with viewing his life in terms of eternal values.

  • This type doesn’t feel responsible for anything. Ever.
    The Traitor and I weren’t married. After nearly a year of wreckonciliation and frantic pickmedancing, MC and frantic cheating and double-crossing from him, he finally told me it was over. I put down in writing that I accepted his decision (and that I was devastated), along with a proposal on how to deal with the farm and the separation. No comment, instead he waited until I’d gone out to phone the Whore and dissect my letter with her, dismiss it and the Whore got her hopes up (“Maybe she’s going to gift the whole farm to …*her son*…”).
    So… things drag on through the busiest time on the farm, weaning etc, trying to dig out of the deep, deep seasonal overdraft, and overstocking he imposed during wreckonciliation, which I stupidly agreed to because I was pickmedancing. 3 months later I get a letter from his lawyer (the one he had hidden from me but hired half way through wreckonciliation, as I uncovered) claiming that sad sausage wants to move out but has no money and that “this situation makes it understandably difficult for me to accept that the relationship is over”. Thank you for your lawyer’s condescension, by the way.
    So my lawyer replies with an immediate advance on a settlement (all of which has to be borrowed into the ever deepening overdraft…) so he can move out, plus the car.
    Oooohh, now sad sausage whinges that I am kicking him off the farm.
    Yep, he cheats, we’re not married, he could have left anytime before cheating (if there ever was such a time…), he said we’re finished, his lawyer writes that he wants to leave, he gets money to leave, he is already spending 3-4 days a week away at the Whore’s anyway, but I’ve kicked him out.

    Same as Yoyo, they want to blame the chump for everything, they want to be able to say the chump did this to them, to the family. Evil wife ruined poor Yoyo’s relationship with his twu wuv.

    I can’t imagine how these people get up everyday and see themselves in the bathroom mirror and don’t vomit. Maybe because they have no reflection in the mirror. Fucking vampires.

  • Cheater: “I’ve been married to her for 25 years, since we were both 20 years old. We’ve always had a difficult marriage, but we also had some good periods, and divorce is ‘not done’ in our families.”

    UBT: I’ve been making my wife miserable for 25 years. Aside from my attempts to sabotage our marriage, we’ve been happy, but it’s convenient now that I’m trying to shirk responsibility to say the marriage has always had problems.

    Cheater: “Three years ago I fell in love with A. while separated from my wife.”

    UBT: Three years ago I started an affair. Sure, there may have been some overlap, and I may have separated due to the affair, but let’s avoid those pesky details, because avoidance is what I do best.

    Cheater: “Blah blah blah”

    UBT: Sparkles yay! Consequences boo. My wife is a meanie. I haz the sadz.

    Hey dipshit, why don’t you try modeling a fraction of the resilience, integrity, and responsibility that your wife has demonstrated. You want to blame her for all of your shitty choices and give her no credit for being a superhero wife and mother while you dither around chasing imaginary rainbows and leprechauns and drowning yourself in delusions of your own glory.

    You suck. Do the right thing and give your wife and kids the gift of a generous divorce and make your exit. You don’t deserve them.

    • Nothing lost in that translation!

      One odd thing, divorce isn’t done in his family but separation is acceptable- just like yoyo’s numbers, it doesn’t add up.

  • Yoyo is likely a troll, his letter sounds like something an AP with no life would write…

    CN, I suggest we don’t spend any more time on that crap.

    CL, wishing you a speedy recovery!

    • Possible, but there are legions of cheating dithering idiots out there. Don’t underestimate their capacity for this kind of nauseating garbage.

  • Oh, what a loser! Can’t be bothered to take actions of his own, but he’s in a comfort zone where he rather blames others for his unhappiness. This is a chronically unhappy … individual, who makes life around him miserable.

    Assuming he would have chosen his affair partner, he would be here blaming her for not having his wife.

    He hates that the affair partner has moved on. He would prefer that she would put her life on hold for him – see how special he sees himself?

    We can see from the letter that he is viewing people in terms of usefulness, like some appliances. These are clear traits of narcissism.

    And the biggest fuck up is that he had totally erased his children from his conscience. He barely mentioned them in the beginning. None of his actions support those children, on the contrary!
    Fuck you, Mr Void!

  • This guy has a personality disorder for sure!! There you have it folks, a glimpse into his brain and thoughts thanks to this letter and it’s SCARY!!! The entire time I read the letter I was telling myself, oh boy, his thinking is sure off, this is SO not normal, it’s bizarre, so weird!! I shuddered as I felt I took a trip into Twilight Zone into bizarro land and now I need to bathe in acid and scrub my skin off just to get back to reality. Ick.

  • YoYo,

    Sorry, but my trolling detector is on overload. Nice work, yoyo. And what clinches it? You wrote:

    “I understand I suck. Keep the comments coming. I deserve it.”

    UBT: Please keep calling me awful things. I’m ROTFLMAO.

    Trolling is just anonymous narcissism seeking negative kibbles from strangers. YoYo is
    just sitting there at his terminal, laughing. Probably even borrowed his name here from MickeyBlueEyes’s codename for his X, Yoyo Knickers.

    And you know what works for trolls, just like other narcs? No contact. I’m already at meh with you.
    And now, back to our regularly scheduled blog.

    Peace,
    aeronaut

    • Agreed.

      Fuck off pathetic troll. We are all laughing at your pathetic ” game” & rather amused at the fact that you clearly have nothing more interesting to do than mess around on this site & behave like the immature “child ” you are….

      Hilarious that you think yourself so smart and clever dumping a false feed on this site…..oh do please grow up or failing your apparent inability to do so go fuck off back to kindergarten and go play with the other 3 year olds………..

      I’m off to do something honest & worthwhile …. something you clearly have no capacity to do …

      MEH…..

      • Chumpedbigtime,

        Yelling that one found the troll out is almost as amusing to them as the carefully worded expletive laden angry replies. They are seeking a reaction, just like a narcissist. So don’t.

        Peace,
        aeronaut

    • Actually, my ex said something pretty similar at one point. Don’t underestimate a cheater’s capacity for sad sausage-ing.

  • Further confirmation of what I now know: NEVER beg someone to love you. They either do, or they don’t. And begging is just pathetic, especially to a sociopath, and also to yourself. It’s understandable that we would try reasoning and pleading, but that never works. It’s just part of the grieving process, of coming to terms with the truth.
    It’s a good thing to be your best for your own sake, and because you’re inspired by real love and admiration. But if that isn’t good enough for the person who would be your partner, then it’s time to be done. Keep your dignity and self respect. Find someone who will admire you.

  • I’ll have to go back and re read the added comments, so pardon if what I’m about to say has been said already. This post is solid gold. A small corner of Chump Lady should have a category/file dedicated to cheater writers, both make and female, who are who respond this way.

    The category should be called “Enter at your Chumpy own risk”.

    What this is is 100% authentic insight to the cheater’s thought process. It is a fantastic look into the entitled mind, it is also a warning to chumps that no matter what you do, you will always be blamed and ridiculed for any and all efforts you make. With a cheater like this, you can’t win.

    I think you will find most of these letters have the same song, but played a different way. The lyrics change a little, but the chorus is always the same. I spent years beating myself up… for another BD.

    All those times chumps spend hours and months wondering what their cheater is doing, thinking and saying. Here. You. Go. — I will absolutely copy and save this letter. This sounds exactly like my xh. … exactly, but this guy is nicer than my xh ever was to me during his affair (s).

    It is STRONG MEDICINE for the hopium fog filled chump mind. Every person who even considers reconciliation with a cheater should have to read letters like this 100X before giving themselves permission to make a choice.

  • What a loser this guy is! (That goes for ALL cheaters!) He created this mess, and now he has to deal with it. Poor him.

    I don’t feel bad for him one bit that his AP has gone NC. The only person I feel bad for is his chump wife. The best solution is to divorce his wife and introduce her to Chump Nation so that she can finally gain a life.

    Gawd, this post makes me totally not regret leaving my cheater. I still hate that my children have divorced parents, but that was out of my control. Cheaters suck, and the rest of us are left having to deal with their messes.

  • This guy doesn’t want to be married. He doesn’t want to be divorced. He just wants to sit there and bitch. And have everyone else be responsible for what yes bitching about.

  • Chump Avenger –

    There’s nothing stopping you starting your own website, with zero moderation, for chumps who don’t like it here.

    That might be a better use of your time and energy? Channel the anger into something constructive, rather than destructive?

    I don’t know whether you’ve thought of this, but someone who is proposing to stalk both Tempest and her ex in real life, for the purposes of punishing her for moderating posts on a divorce blog, comes across as just a little bit vindictive and also a bit of a bully herself.

    I think we’ve all been there; we’ve been sat on so long that when the dam bursts, it’s pretty impressive, but you don’t want to take out the good with the bad.

    • Lola: Thank you for your post from last night to Chump Avenger.

      I’ve spent today considering how a person who defends children and animals (as this troll has in the past) thinks that trying to take down the career of a single mother (me) and wreak havoc in a family’s life is equivalent to her not being able to post comments on a website (precisely because she’s gone on nasty rants against other members of CN in the past). Boggles the mind, doesn’t it?

  • Yoyo follows this site because he is a sick fuck who enjoys the stories of misery and heartbreak of chumps….much like he dumps on his wife. A narcissistic, sick fuck who gets his rocks off laughing at us.

    I have no sympathy for you, Yoyo. I had one of your sick fuck sidekicks try to kill me 2 years ago. Read my letter from 2 weeks ago. It’s your life, Jethro….do as you please. But remember that time is a flat circle…..and Karma is a bitch.

  • Wow! There seem to be a lot of trolls on the prowl tonight. Really ugly sniveling ones too.

    So how’s the weather down there in Texas today?

    Chump Lady I hope your surgery went well and you are recovering nicely.

    Tempest, thank you for being here too look after us while she is recovering. There are so many of us out there who appreciate what you do and the straightforward no nonsense yet loving manner in which you do it.

    • ChumpinRecovery–thanks; same troll, different day. I never use Craigslist, so if she wants to hook up with my X via that site, good luck to her. Two manipulators, 50/50 odds.

  • If I had one wish, it would be that CN would read this letter (or any letter like this) and not ONE comment would be posted.

    It would be great if CN read this and put it where it belongs- the garbage.

    He does not deserve our time or CL’s blog space.

    What an asshole.

    • I feel a bit that way myself as well. In fact, there’s an argument for disabling the combox for this one and just saying, Here yah go. This is what you’re dealing with. Read it and learn.

  • It’s a troll. I know her very well. She has traumatised me and my family for almost 3 years now. She saw the deep love and connection me and my husband shared with eachother, and she wanted it.

    For 3 years she’s been fighting for him. But he keeps coming back to me. She doesn’t understand that we want to make our marriage work, and keeps butting in with her calls, emails, and texts. For the past 2 years she’s been making fun of pathetic, desperate, chumpy me. She doesn’t understand the deep connection and history I share with my husband and that it’s worth saving.

    She sent me to this site 2 years ago and I believe she’s written at least 6 letters making fun of me.

    • Is the little whore pig that is messing with you and wrote this letter the one who posted recently under the name Elle? I can’t shake the feeling that it’s her/it.

  • Yoyo, all I can say is that somehow you got the balls, when you’ve had none previously, to visit AND comment on our site. Please keep that trend going and ask your wife to visit, so we can speak with the real victim of your horrible behavior. We’re not interested in you or your inconsequential thoughts.

    Chumplady – feel better soon, and know that we miss you.

    Hugs…

  • After reading this horrible fuckwit’s perspective I got up from where I was seated and immediately put in the dumpster wedding photo albums, dress, and other crap I had been hanging on to.

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