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Going No Contact with Stuff

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So the other day ChumpDude left this comment:

It was 20 years and POOF he’s no more in my life. Just gone. But not gone because all of the memories. The shit he left around that I am still finding. And living in the house we shared for those 20 years. Still watering the plants we planted. Staring at the walls we painted. The Furniture. The Artwork. And the missing furniture. And missing artwork. And the missing hugs and exchange of smiles. Missing the teamwork and not missing the policing.

Back and forth and back and forth. It’s gotten easier but I don’t think it will ever really resolve.

And I’m thinking, Dude, you need to move. You need new furniture, new artwork, new wall paint, and you sure as hell need to dumpster or donate of every single one of Fuckwit’s things. Do NOT call him and say, “Hey, I found your grandmother’s lace doily collection. Would you like me to send them? I know MeeMaw’s antimacassars meant a lot to you.”

No ChumpDude! No THEY DID NOT mean ANYTHING to him. You know why? Because they’re there in a moldering box with all of his other shit. Shit you, the chump, are supposed to clean up. Or save for him until such a time as it occurs to him that he would like it back. Or maintain it all in a perpetual shrine.

Which of these it is? I DON’T KNOW, CHUMPDUDE! You’re supposed to READ HIS MIND. Did you choose throw it out? WRONG! Did you choose save it for him? WRONG! Fuckwit has rigged the game. You’re always wrong and it’s really touching the way you still pine for him. Kibbles! And having his stuff strewn about your life is a great pretext for still being in touch, so hey, about those antimacassars…

NO NO NO!

Chumps, it is not enough to go no contact with the fuckwits in your life, you need to go no contact with their stuff too. Your choices are:

a.) Get rid of it.

b.) Move away from it.

c.) Quit imbuing it with meaning. It’s just STUFF.

Konmarie his ass, ChumpDude. Does it spark joy? No? TOSS IT OUT.

Everyone’s homework assignment this weekend is to tell Chump Nation and ChumpDude what you did with the Stuff — the furniture, the art work, the paint colors — and how you took your material world back.

TGIF!

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • First thing I did was chuck our old mattress and replace it. X has a ute so I got him to help me sort that. He went into my bathroom and cried. Gotta say- made me smile. And the new mattress is freakin awesome. And I get to sleep in the middle, either side, diagonal, whatever!
    Yes to turfing anything they contaminated !

      • Like an open back (with a sides) two seater pick up vehicle – Aussie slang, someone will correct me I’m sure ?

      • Ute = Australian for – Utility Truck. You know ummm a passenger vehicle with a front cab to sit in and a tray at the back? Hence chucking the mattress in the back to take to garbage dump (We just say the “Dump” or “TIP” = Rubbish Tip.

        Wow we have so many names for the same things in all our different nations but us Aussies tend to be lazy and cut every descriptive word down to a couple of letters 😉 saves time!

        • In the U.S., we would call such a vehicle a pickup truck. Not sure what our U.K. friends would call it. And I’m sure the Canadians have a colorful word for one too.

              • But utes a aren’t exactly the same as American pickup trucks. The bed tends to be more enclosed on a pickup. When Aussies say “tray” they really do mean it’s sort of flatter, like an actual tray.

                Many of them look more like those vehicles we had in the 70s in the US…. height and shape of a car, but open like a pick up in the back… like a station wagon with an open back.

                Grew up in California, lived most of my adult life (20 years) in Sydney, now back in CA.

                It took me so long to get used to the term “ute”. It always sounded annoyingly like a female reproductive organ to me, rather than a truck!

          • 1/4 ton, 1/2 ton, 3/4 ton, 1 ton, 2 ton, 3 ton truck etc. I’m from Saskatchewan, North. Very North ?

    • I know what a ute is!!

      Aussie chumps, American Chumps – WE ARE CHUMP NATION AND WE ARE MIGHTY.

      Too bad you couldnt run over the bastard with a ute – ok, jokes. No real violence here ok. hahaa

      • Lol Never i agree (Fingers crossed behind back) no violence.

        But how convenient….Run over the bastard, back up, pick up, throw in back and merrily drive off to the dump and leave them where they belong….job done….cup of tea anyone? 😉

      • Got to love a ute… yep Im Aussie and love my ute. ???

        When the ex ran off with the other woman, he packed up everything he wanted while I was at work and just left. I had so many moments. .. one night at 2 in the morning about a month aftee he left, I went into the garage and got the sledge hammer and pulverized any thing that was his.. I cant imagine the noise I was making. I sold the house, bought my own house. Sold every piece of our ‘married’ furniture and bought my own. Threw out every towel and sheet that he had ever used. Burnt any document or photo that was his or he was in. Got rid of our married bed and bought a brand new bed. It took about 18 months to create a cheater free environment but I love my place now and everything in it.

        • I had some similar moments with the baseball and cricket bats. It was so cathartic, I only wish I’d got to carve a scarlet A into his $15,000 cello, that he HAD to buy to help out poor music teacher OW although he was just a beginner and never improved beyond a few grit -your-teeth-twinkle twinkle equivalents, probably because he spent his lessons playing with the teacher instead of his instrument. What a red flag that was! He waltzed off to his lovenest (thoughtfully located right across the road from my workplace) and left me to pack, clean and sell the house. He had filled a 2 car garage with numerous items of junk like custom-made golf clubs, one of many shiny toys he never used or discarded quickly (see $15,000 instrument above – he was demoted to viola 🙂 )

    • Best tangent ever!! LOL!!! As a sign language interpreter I love words! And no doubt, this will come up soon for me. Every time I learn new word trivia, I end up using it shortly after!!

      • Excellent! My oldest son is Deaf and I have a huge appreciation for interpreters. Glad to help!

      • Yep- like that one but black. We had always owned whatever car we had outright (usually second hand but served our needs)…but this. X came home one afternoon and said “come outside, got something to show you” and there it was. His “I’m a big working tough man status symbol” which he’d gotten on finance. No consultation with me.
        Well we all know how these idiots are with money. It’s gone now. After the split he couldn’t afford it- damn he couldn’t afford it when he got it. Using a work vehicle now.
        Pretty sure he has the sads about that item being gone.

      • Hahaha still think the ‘bugger’ ad is the best, but thats a good one Kiwichump, all this talk of utes had me immediately thinking of that ad series

    • I have been waiting as I wasn’t sure what would fit into what I was moving into but last weekend I ordered myself a new mattress (old one was 13 years old from Ikea – new one is lovely!) and a new bed! The bed is beautiful, I love it! Just for me – and possibly me dogs/kids!
      For me this has also been a really symbolic act. I have continued to sleep in our old bed but was always planning on getting the new one. Moving to the new house feels like the right time.
      Ex is (finally) helping a bit in sorting things at our very large property that has sold. Last week he dismantled some old cheap cupboards to put in the skip we had. After we move next week I am planning on asking him to dismantle our old bed and put that in there too. I don’t suppose he’ll cry but I hope it does something to his stone heart. It was the bed our children were conceived in. I could sell it, I suppose, but I feel like that landfill is where it belongs (not very environmentally friendly, I know!).

    • I did that with a mattress – was able to chuck it right out the window down to the alley. Then I ran downstairs and stuffed it in a dumpster. Buh-bye!

  • Charity it ….. Do not ask them if they want it back, especially if they are in any way disordered or have traits of the disordered. It’s their way of keeping them central and you hooked. Healing starts with no contact (if you’re so lucky to be ghosted, really count your blessings and block them anyway just in case).

    I threw out not just her stuff, but also anything she gave me as I didn’t want the reminders.

    • I left the tacky stuff he gave me behind for my replacement part to clean up. And I left the dead ten inch goldfish in a takeout carton in the freezer.

    • I was a very kindly Chump and not only boxed up her stuff but Every Single Card that she’d given me for almost 30 years where I was a wonderful husband and an inspiration to her along with all the thoughtful knick nacks.

      Since she’s a hoarder I’m sure she still has them around somewhere where her current guy is probably stumbling across them.

      Bwa ha ha

      • If it makes you feel better, I think I got even for you, with my ex.

        He didn’t treasure our marriage, In fact, showed little emotion about anything. But photos of his childhood, with his family? Photos of his teenage and college years, partying with his friends? Those, he cherished.

        Despite that, they sat in a back room in a box. So when I was going through my stuff one day before moving out, and I found them, I quietly put them all through the shredder and took them down to the park where I threw them out.

        I figured since he took away all my ideal images of a past with him, I had every right to take away his ideal images of his past.

        I was gone before he would have figured out all his memories were gone. But it was enough to know I’d taken that away from him.

        • Or, you could have marked up each photo with the drawing of a penis in his mouth.

          And then left them around town or something like that

          Just trying to help the creative process

        • I regret not doing this, if only I hadn’t been such a Chump. I was still under the assumption he was going to snap out of it, he was suffering from depression after his father had passed away and was trying to find himself. This was just a bump in the road. I was going to be there for him when he came to his senses and he’d appreciate me afterwards.

          This all before I found CN and realized he wasn’t depressed, he was a Cheater having the time of his life at my expense.

      • Yep, cheaters and hoarding– how many disorders can they have at once–let me count the ways–no wait, not worth it, I’m at Meh. I too “used to be” an amazing spouse–until I wasn’t.

        • Mine was a hoarder too. Never could bear to throw anything out. All his junk was always so smothering, and I freed myself from the clutter and overwhelm. I set him up to choke on the glut of his own making. I took great satisfaction in boxing up his junk and stacking it all in my garage (singing Rihanna’s “to the left, to the left, everything you own in the 100-or-so boxes to the left”). He had to rent a large storage unit (at his expense) to store it all.

        • I wonder why this is so common! Mine was a hoarder too. He could barely throw things away because he would attach a memory to it. I thought this meant that he was quite sweet and sensitive, and valued the people in his life. This is why I was so stricken when I found out he was having an affair. Makes you ponder. I’m glad to be rid of that clutter though.

          • Yes, mine couldn’t get of his 30 year old race car parts and manuals but a nearly thirty year relationship and marriage tossed to the curb like yesterday’s news. Strange where attachments lie.

          • Mine was a hoarder because he was (his words) saving everything for his scrap book he was going to put together someday.
            More like a museum, in his mind, his junk has value and will possibly someday have a place, like a shrine, for everything to be displayed with an essay to go along with each item.
            After all, this is Mr. Integrity, Mr. Charming, Mr. All American nice guy.
            Just ask him..

            • Funny that we assign a positive characteristic. Mine liked nothing more than putting family albums together and cataloguing all the holiday pictures on the computer…how sweet …until it dawned on me he was making sure he had copies of everything for when he left and took computer with him there wouldnt be a fight over the photo books . How adorable….

        • Mine was a neat freak hoarder. This meant that he would never get rid of anything and would bring new stuff into the house from his Mom’s house. Then he would complain that the house was cluttered. This was my fault of course.

      • I did the same thing and boxed up every picture that XH was in and any paperwork that he might need and then mailed this to him so that I could maintain NC. Then I got rid of anything that he gave me (gave to Goodwill) so that there weren’t visual reminders. I still had way too many sad thoughts for a long time – but at least the visual triggers were gone.

      • Love it Bow Tie! I had a hoarder-type ex too. I made him keep the house so I could begin a new life with my kids. And I honestly didn’t want to sort his shit. Schmoopie moved in shortly after. Through the years, my ex had a tradition of buying a new Christmas tree ornament whenever he travelled anywhere. He often gave it to me with a mushy love note. Before I left, I hid these treasures all over the house. I’m sure Schmoopie is still finding them…. ? Though I have 3 teenagers and 2 dogs, my new smaller home stays so much more neat and orderly. Go figure!

        • Wow. Funny. Asshole™ did the same thing with the ornaments and he was a hoarder too. I kicked him out on Christmas Eve. On Dec 26th, I took all the ornaments off the tree, put them in a bag, and stomped all over them.

      • Sold all his DVD’s in a garage sale, packed his clothes and put them in the garage to pick up, repainted and redecorated almost every room in the house.
        Best thing though…. sold his wedding rings and mine and got LASIK eye surgery.
        Now I can see .. right through to his empty soul.

      • Mine was weird about stuff too. He finally crowded me right out of our home. I took my clothes and books, a few heirlooms from my parents, keepsakes from my kids, and the family photographs. You couldn’t even tell anything was gone. Was given or bought everything in my new place, and bought a second hand car. I can breathe again. There is nothing of him in my new home and that’s how its staying. The. Best. Way.

  • I left Yo Yo knickers so didn’t have to anything with her stuff. I took my computer, my tools and my clothes and that was it. She offered me a small bucket of towels and cleaning sprays for my new flat, I told her to stick her “Emergency Bucket” up her arse. Apart from that she offered me not one thing.

    Actually I lied, she offered me my old lawnmower 6 months after I left her. Yup I was offered custody of an old worn out lawnmower.

    Keep smiling chump nation, don’t let the fuckers get you down!

    • I did the same thing Mickey – just walked away because in my eyes everything is contaminated and the mindfuck was just too much. My evidence folder (now deleted) had her pictures and video from every room /the yard /the basement /you name it that got sent to the WOW boyfriend in Kentucky.
      No Contact is the path to the truth and the light.
      Trust that they suck.

  • When my ex left , he left everything behind but I couldn’t get rid of it because of the law. I was supposed to hold onto it until he wanted it. So, each night after work and after I’d got the children into bed, as I wasn’t eating or sleeping, I’d spend hours boxing up his stuff and hiding it away in the garage or in wardrobes. I dragged furniture up and downstairs trying to rearrange everything to look different. It took over a year for the house to sell and it became a real millstone. But eventually it did sell and I started again with only my own things in a new house. It really helped, leaving that house and all the awful memories.

    • So true. When I sold the family home as part of the divorce and moved to my own place it was absolutely the greatest feeling

      Even though the house I sold is only one street away I vowed never to look at it again and I haven’t!

  • Strangely enough, he gave me just about everything but his toothbrush and blood pressure meds. So I had a lot of his crap, and certainly a house full of “our” stuff. He was also providing me with more support that I knew what to do with, so for a few years of our protracted separation, I spent most of it trying to make the marital home into my home. After I pretty much remodeled the entire house AND yards, I realized that I’d always be miserable there. So, I decided to move. And I told him that I felt he should give me all of the equity in our home, to put down on my new home. And he agreed. So, I quickly sold our house and ultimately signed a contract to build a new home. I gave away EVERYTHING. I lived with my mother while the house was being built, so I was able to save a boat load of money. And I bought everything new. Down to dishes and towels. The actual experience of buying all new stuff was exhilarating. I did some of this during the construction months, but there was also a big shopping trip with a U-Haul on the night before my closing. It was a once in a lifetime experience. And I am so proud of myself for leaving that home behind.

    • He desperately wanted to get away from you, and was willing to pay to do it. Mine did as well as well and it still is a huge, stinging question mark in my mind.

      The best I did was use his huge collection of Ralph Lauren shirts and Bermuda shorts as a weed barrier under my deck and covered them with mulch.

      I also pawned his Tag watch and bought four new tires.

      I did throw out all of his messy paperwork, which included sternly worded correspondence from the IRS. Hope that works out for you, you unholy beast.

      Small victories.

        • And what a waste of money! I was with a 5 star idiot who acted like paying the power bill was a strange, mythical concept that offended his “free spirit” ways….but he would pay $100 for a simple collared shirt. Over and over.

          I recently went to a thrift store, and not an especially nice one, and found Dolce and Gabba, Claiborne and well made, well cut clothes for less than $10, some for $3.

          Chump tip: Paying full retail for clothes- save shoes and coat- is a waste of money. Put that money in a 401K or pay off credit card debt.

    • I gave my ex half of my 401(k) suspecting that if I did she would move far away.

      It worked! Best investment ever.

  • Went through photograph albums and shredded every photo with him in it . . . over 40 years. Photos with children, grandchildren. Gone. And I was so surprised at how easy it was, deleting him from this shared, recorded history. Didn’t even take that long. Watched TV while I did it. They are MY photo albums. Not anyone’s legacy. Children and grandchildren have their own albums.

    • I got rid of the photos, too, BLT. About a year after the divorce. Went through boxes and books of pictures and removed every single one my ex-wife was in. Thousands. Not easy for me because that included about 85 percent of the photos of my kids. Kids in front of Christmas trees, kids on vacations, kids with extended family. However, it left me with hundreds of pictures of my kids, which is enough.

      Gave the pictures with my ex in them to my ex. Figured they have my kids in them, so it’s not for me to destroy them. My teenage son told me she left the boxes in the garage, where she knew the roof leaked. The boxes got wet, she let them molder, and she threw them out when she moved a year later. Don’t know if she has two dozen photos of her kids left from when they were small. And don’t care.

      But think her indifference to family ruination was pretty well captured there in a symbol. #theruinishers

      • I have many oddly shaped photos because of the ones I wanted to keep without his countenance in them 😉

        Most of mine went to the trash heap, too, though.

        • Start up idea-

          We scan thousands of photos for people onto a memory stick or hard drive , and then digitally remove the faces of the cheater, so photos of children or pets can be preserved.

          • My cousin got married shortly before X walked out. When my aunt and cousin ordered photos, they had him photoshopped out of the family group photo. Luckily he was standing at the end. Looks like he was never there!

            • My parents had a huge family shot taken for their 50th anniversary just before things blew up. They have it blown up and framed on their wall. I hate seeing it but understand that it is the only photo from the last 8 years or so with us all in it.

              • My grandmother had her own method. She scratched out the offensive face. It was the best “technology” available. Lol

          • That’s exactly what I did with all the photos. Photoshopped his sorry ass right out of every single one. My eldest son and I then burned the originals. Very therapeutic!

              • My stepdad, who my babies and I briefly lived with after Honey walked out and moved to the opposite coast, pulled my family’s photo off the wall one day. I asked him what he was doing with it, and he just smiled. He opened the glass, taped the head of a hound-dog over Honey’s face, and just hung it back up without a word. Priceless.

            • Photoshop him out and then photoshop someone else in…

              Oh look there’s me on holidays with Ryan Gosling

              Oh Look there’s me at that function with Idris Elba

              Oh look there’s me laughing in the sand dunes with a very young Paul Newman

              Oh look et etc

          • A dear friend of my Mom took one of my wedding photos which included my late Dad and Grandparents and had my ex photoshopped out of the photo. Now it’s just me, in my beautiful dress surrounded by my beloved family. It looks incredibly natural – most people don’t even notice the lack of a groom. 😀

          • Love this idea. Was getting callouses on my fingers from cutting. Not to mention waste of my time.

        • Haha, Amiisfree, I thought I was the only one with oddly-shaped photos! Some look like camel humps. Cheater does not exist in any photos I own. I first stabbed each photo, then sliced it, then cut him out. Very therapeutic. I’ve been divorced and NC for 2 years–life is simply marvelous without a cheater and liar in it. My grown kids can inherit some photos from their grandmother (cheater’s mom). Not my job to keep his image or memory alive

      • Most of the photos are of him with his family. There are hardly any photos of me in the family. Because I was the one who used to take the photos.

        • During the Wreckonciliation, a little over a year before he died, I hired a photog to take some family pictures. She knew our 25 was looming so she asked if she could take one of us and he got all mad and said no and stormed away…it was SUCH an asshole moment (he also told me that I “overstepped my bounds” arranging a family photo – fuck that, it was my family in my house).

          After he died, I was glad that the photog was a friend of mine, we talked about that moment …to me it spoke volumes.

    • My father was big into geneology, and I inherited all his records. As a result, I had a hard time deleting any family history, even removing Hannibal Lecher from our family photos. However, seeing him in pictures has zero impact on me; he was a bit player in our family history (as I did 90% of the parenting).

      Memories of family vacations–he has now receded to the background; experiences with the kids now occupy the foreground.

      However, I did tape a picture of Francois Arnaud (from the Borgias) over Hannibal in our wedding picture.

      • I started going through pictures to pull out the ones of STBX. Sadly, he isn’t in most of them. That vacation to Myrtle Beach with his family…didn’t go. Family reunion with his family…not there. Countless weekends to take the kids to see something new…just the three of us. I did at least 90% of the parenting, too. And the photos are a testament to it.

        • GetMeFree says
          July 14, 2017 at 9:42 am
          *I started going through pictures to pull out the ones of STBX. Sadly, he isn’t in most of them. That vacation to Myrtle Beach with his family…didn’t go. Family reunion with his family…not there. Countless weekends to take the kids to see something new…just the three of us. I did at least 90% of the parenting, too. And the photos are a testament to it.*

          OMG this^^ resonates. While I regret not putting make up on during/after childbirth b/c I look like shit, those are the few photos of exhole I’d like to keep. Otherwise, my 35 years of marriage contains few recent pictures of h with family. Just himself or with his buddy having an adventure! (Yes 35 years, so I was a champ chump with a loyalty disorder).

          I now see that my role was to be the touchstone for our marriage, so that he could venture off endlessly accumulating more credentials and looking for the next shiny object. But he became a part time husband and father more than 10+ years ago. So he’s conspicuously absent from a LOT of photos. I was a real chump for not seeing the evidence earlier, but now there is proof so I won’t be gaslighted anymore. Good news – the last decade of photos are not going to need much editing.
          I LOVE the idea of deleting him from the past b/c it would be truthful. Turns out, as painful as the truth is, I can handle it more easily than maintaining the illusion that he was there.

          • “I was a champ chump with a loyalty disorder.”

            I think I need to go to your 12 step meetings…:::stands::: hello, my name is Unicornomore and I have a loyalty disorder…was with him 29 years, stayed until his last breath.

            • Being loyal is not a bad character trait. I happen to think it is a strength. Giving your loyalty to someone who does not deserve it or uses it against you is the problem.

        • I began noticing over the years any photo including me in it was strangely absent from my inlaws home. I think it was a big hint.

      • Oh my God Tempest, I did just that 2 days ago. My neighbour was in my house and asked me why I still had my wedding photo up when I have been divorced over 5 years. I have to admit I didn’t really notice it but decided she was right. My son gets married next Thursday so when I have their wedding photo I will replace mine with theirs. In the meantime, I googled “cartoon images of an idiot” and stuck one of their images over my ex in my wedding photo.

    • I have thought often about the photos too. Before I even moved out with the kids, I gave him our wedding album and all the albums he made of all of our vacations, including our honeymoon.

      Side story: Our really big family trip we went on, my ex made a really huge photo scrapbook (he’s really good at doing this kind of stuff). We brought it over for his possible narc mom to look at. Now mind you, ex is her only child and our kids are her only blood grandchildren. She didn’t look at them when we were there (I think we were dropping the kids over for a sleepover), so we just left the album behind. The next day when we went to pick-up the kids (close to about 20 hrs later), ex said to his mommy, “What did you think of the photos?” She was all, “Oh. I didn’t look at them.” And even then she didn’t take the initiative to look at them before we left. Ex was a bit crushed and he even told me later that he couldn’t believe she didn’t care one bit about our family vacation. At the time I knew she was jealous or something. Guess what? A year later, exes mom and dad went on a big vacation out for California just like we did! Not the exact same trip of course. And of course we had to look and “oh and aw” and all their photos. God, I don’t miss that family one bit!!!

      So now back to my photos. Before I even moved out, I threw away every single photo of our relationship before our marriage. Assbrain was lying and cheating (emotional cheating for sure, but quite possibly physical as he’s capable of anything!) before we got married, so our entire relationship from the beginning was garbage, so those memories are trash to me too.

      I ripped in half in front of my exes face a beautiful 8×10 photo of our wedding day. That photo sat out in our house in the living room for 20 years. I said to him as I was ripping it in half, “This is what I think of our sham of a marriage.” RIP! The look on my exes face. lol. He said, “Martha, please stop destroying stuff!” I said to him, “You no longer control me!”

      I took ALL of the other photo albums. I have every single one of the photos of our kids from before their birth and on up. I always told my ex that if our house went up in flames, the photos are the only thing (besides the kids and our dog of course) I risk my life trying to save the photos. They are the only thing of value to me.

      I have contemplated getting rid of every single that he’s in. My guilty pleasure dream is to set them all on fire or flush them down the toilet. But then I think of my kids and Assbrain is their dad and I’m guessing they’d want me to keep them.

      I don’t have hard evidence, but my ex was having some type of affair when I was pregnant with our second child as all the signs were there (this is over 16 years ago). All the photos of him at this time are now tainted to me (we had a beautiful about one year old son at this time). He was having some type of affair and for sure going to Canada over ten times and getting 100% naked lap dances (and probably more!) and I’m at home pregnant with a beautiful little boy. And I cried and cried throughout that entire pregnancy and even after our daughter was born as I just *knew* he was having some type of affair. He still denies it til this day! I cannot even look at my kids photos, because everything is poisoned by Assbrain! So I don’t look at them. They are in the closet. Maybe someday I can look at them and have ‘meh’ feelings about Assbrain being in them. Why did I breed with a fuckwit?!

      • I kept photos of my kids with their dad, too. I even kept some of the two of us together. I may not need them anymore, but the kids might. They are in albums in the basement. Someday if they want them, they can have them. Every photo with him in has been taken down in the house though and replaced with new family photos.

        • I took all the photos with me in them and left the rest. Didn’t want the Fucktard to have any part of me. Now that he’s six feet under, from time to time I’ll sort through a batch and send the ones with Fucktard in them to his sister to distribute.

      • Most of the photos are of him with the kids. There are hardly any photos of me in the family. Because I was the one who used to take the photos.

        • Patsy, THIS. While I did over 90% of the parenting before I got away, Reptile is in most of the photos. I took them. He rarely took any of me with our babies. He acted like taking a picture of me with them was a gigantic pain in his precious ass. As for spending a half hour alone with them – you could hear his eye-roll and reluctant sigh echo for miles. That’s all changed since I got help and left – he has been working like mad on his Super Dad image. The kids are eating it up. This is one what keeps me from getting to Meh.

      • ” Martha, please stop destroying stuff!”

        OMG, just WHO is destroying stuff! Who has destroyed “stuff”

        I want to send you a big Chump Sister Hug.
        I know and understand the pain in caring and carrying a precious child while a cheater is out “destroying” what we thought was, or had been, a happy family.

        Xxxxx

    • I kept all the pictures… It’s the best evidence I have against his tendency to re-write history. When my kiddo comes with more stories about how daddy had been unhappy for years, we take a trip down memory lane with pictures and videos of us as a family… He looks happy in all of them…

      Not my word against his, just visible evidence… Either he was faking/lying to us by appearing happy, or he was lying/faking his unhappiness post-divorce, either way it proves that he is a duplicitous person whose word can’t be trusted, which is why we are divorced.

      • Yeah, my ex did this too. Said he was “unhappy the last ten years, but he didn’t know it.” I got the same thing. Tons and tons of pictures of him being happy. And videos too. Either he was faking it (I HIGHLY DOUBT IT!) or he rewrote history in order to justify the narrative he was telling me and everyone else I’m sure!

        As I’ve told my ex at least a hundred times post discard, “God has seen it all!” He denies, denies, denies any wrong doing at all. BUT GOD has seen it all and knows everything. The fact that this in itself doesn’t bother my “Christian” ex shows either that he truly isn’t a Christian or he’s a disordered person with no conscience.

        • How ironic…my soon to be ex said the same thing also…I’ve been unhappy for 7 years oh no ten years. Well asshole…you haven’t seen unhappy yet..wait til your daughter grows up and shuts you out of her life completely. She’s ten now and already knows she is not a priority in his life…so much so that he’s given me sole custody and I’m moving out of state…see ya cheating asshole!

        • Yes! My “christian” ex is a flaming hypocrite. He sparkles like a disco ball, though, so he is loved everywhere he goes – and he absolutely adores to play the martyr. The “I’m a Nice Guy Struggling Single Dad” must send him into paroxyms of self-congralations. At our kids’ school, he refers to me as “my wife” – he doesn’t want the kids to be the subject of gossip. One day at the school, he had just introduced me to someone as “my wife”. A friend came by and drew me aside just a bit, asking me how I was. In my answer, I made sure to mention that we’d been separated for over two years and that the kids seem to be adjusting well to being shuttled back and forth.

      • OMG, Chumpitude, I got that same line. Word. For. Word.
        “Unhappy for years.” Must be the cheater’s mating call.

        • For what it’s worth, I think they are “unhappy,” because it must be miserable to live with a giant black hole where your soul should be.

          • The unhappy for years comment is all part of the justification for immoral conduct! I, too heard this…”I’ve been unhappy for 12 years of the 19 we’ve been married!” It wasn’t until I started researching this whole topic of marital infidelity that I learned that this is what they all say! This and the unmet needs comment are always part of the rationale! Somehow they convince themselves this is a valid reason to screw another woman! All lies. Pal, I have to tell you, you will continue to be unhappy long after I am no longer a factor in your life, because you are taking yourself with you! Good riddance!

            • With regards to this: “Pal, I have to tell you, you will continue to be unhappy long after I am no longer a factor in your life, because you are taking yourself with you!”

              OMG SO TRUE!!!!

        • My STBX said he had been unhappy for the past few years. I told him that I had been unhappy for the past 7 years. He looked shocked and confused. Fun to turn around the conversation for once.

        • In reality they have been unhappy their whole lives and will continue to be because they are searching for something that doesn’t exist- they want the feeling that a 10 year old gets when he wakes up and sees that longboard he has been coveting under the tree on Christmas morning and they want it to never end.

          • So yez… since none of his previous g friends lasted much over a year i can only conclude he must have been chasing the infatuation high all these years and is now in the middle of wondering why with the AP vos hes not going to tell her when it goes south… he’ll just move on .

    • x said nothing in our house meant anything to him. Didn’t want one picture. My kids already have their childhood pictures. I went through the others and either threw them away or cut him out. He never took any pictures. Those are my memories not his.

      • Nah anything i left behind when iwas forced to sell our house got sent to the dump including sentimental honeymoon presents. They were all meaningless to him . Heartless f

    • I went through my boxes of photos and removed every one of them as well, put them in a box and asked my kids what they wanted me to do with the pictures of them and their Dad. That I would store them until they had their own place (they were in college at the time). Without missing a beat or even thinking about it, they both said “throw them out. We will never know what was real, or a lie and He threw us away without a second thought. We don’t want any of them.”

      My cheater ex told me that this doesn’t affect the kids in any way, cause his schmoopie told him it wouldn’t. He will never know how wrong he was.

    • I went through Facebook and deleted every photo with him in it (And I store my whole digital life on Facebook). It was SO worth it.

      Then I went through my photos directory on my computer, moved every photo with him in it to a directory entitled “asshat”, moved that directory to an external hard disk, and locked it in the safe. That last bit was just in case I did ever want to photoshop him out of an otherwise good photo.

      I moved countries back to my home country after we separated, so I did a lot of scanning of photos, because I didn’t have room to being hardcopy back with me. I brought 3 external hard disks back home with me with all important docs, photos, and proof of his infidelities on them. That, and sone clothes/shoes was all i brought. Left everything else behind.

      Most of the photos of my 20 years in his country were already digitized, luckily.

      The only thing I miss is a photo album traveling through the Provence region of France in the late 90s. Wish I’d gotten my hands on that. Oh well. Casualty of war, I guess.

    • I still have the box of cards and love letters for over 20 years with my ex.

      It doesn’t hurt or anything to still have them

      I keep it more as a reminder of how I have learned to value myself and make better choices with partners

      20 years of cards and letters from her telling me she loved me, but when she cheated on me she explained that she had never loved me

      So, not sure which is true the cards and letters, or maybe she really never did love me.

      Either way fuck her. Lol

      • Rick, I too had every card and poem professing his love. I finally burned them knowing they no longer meant anything.

        When I reread them there were comments about how I saved him from himself. In hindsight it wasn’t guilt rather proof of his false self. And in the end I released him from his agony by filing.

        In truth I kept him in check protecting the image he needed to project while leading a double life.

        Burning them was a way of saying I know the truth and don’t have to prove it to anyone. I know the truth and that’s all that matters.

  • Slightly off topic but in the same vein…

    I moved. I can’t go completely no contact because of the kid. Because of the kid, I have occasionally gone inside my old house. So I know that the collection of family photos intermixed our honeymoon photos is *still* on the wall over the sofa where I left it four years ago. Not because my ex cares, but because he definitely doesn’t.

    Like CL said, don’t pine after these people or hold onto their stuff. Trust that they suck and know that they give less than two shits about any material thing remotely meaningful to you.

    • “Konmarie his ass, ChumpDude. Does it spark joy? No? TOSS IT OUT.”

      I can’t stop laughing, this is so brilliantly true CL!!

      I moved too, and took all important things with me… Buying all new furniture for my new place, and making it a new start with a cute room for our kiddo has been very cleansing, not being surrounded by old stuff helped lower my triggers…

      I’ve done a lot of work in the 3 years since DDay around reframing how I perceive all my possessions. Jewelry he gave me, gifts from his family don’t trigger me anymore, they are things I like aesthetically and gifts from our kiddo rather than from him. It it triggers you, make new memories about this object so your new life and memories will crowd out the old ones… It’s hard and takes time, but it is so worth it!

      • I went through several waves of sorting the stuff I took when I moved away from x. Took a couple years, I couldn’t afford to replace everything right away so had to keep some stuff that I needed, but luckily got rid of the worst of it the first year. Ended up sorting out everything that had that stink feel of him. LOVE my new home, love sleeping diagonally in the bed with 1-2 cats and a dog on the floor that migrates around the edges.

  • Yah, I got rid of all of his stuff, and that is really huge for healing. It brought joy into my life. Get rid of his chair, so I don’t see it and think he’s sitting in it. All of his clothes, books, electronics — gone.

    What also was powerful — I got rid of all the clothes, shoes, jewelry, lingerie I wore with him. Gone. Out of my house. Out of my spirit.

    I’m a new, solid, stable, lady.

      • I think that’s wonderful! I should do the same. I do still have some jewelry he gave me – I sold my wedding ring a few weeks ago. But I need to get rid of the other stuff, too.

        • speaking of jewelry to sell, how does one do it? I need the cash and literally realized just this past month that a replacement engagement ring exhole bought for me 25 years ago was used. No shit.
          Maybe I saw the writing on the inside before this and could not face it?? But I see it now and that’s just…really remarkable…So yeah, do I pay to have it appraised and then sell it? How do you not get ripped off again? (I worry about being ripped off b/c you know, I already have been.)

          • I sold some good jewelry and only got the gold price for it. Stones, even diamonds, unless it’s Cartier or something special, don’t mean anything.

            • Yeah. It sucks what I got for my engagement ring and the majority of the price was because it was platinum, not because of the diamond.

          • Brainystorm, I’ve sold all my jewelry from ExHusbandCheater#1. I found a couple jewelry stores that would give me cash. They pay for gold by weight but did give me money for all the stones too. It’s sad how little they pay though. They do give a better value if you want to trade for other jewelry. It’s quite fun to get rid of stuff you’ll never wear for cash or new jewelry you love. Have fun!

    • Oh yes, I forgot about that – first thing I did after I made him leave was fill up trash bags full of lingerie and anything else sex related and put it in the trash. Now that I’m at glorious Meh, I’m slowly building a new lingerie collection of things that make ME feel beautiful rather than trying to live up to his porn nurtured, airbrushed fantasy of a fuck buddy. I have my wedding rings tucked away in a safe. If I ever have a man in my life who is worthy of my new lingerie collection, I’ll sell those rings and use the money to take us on a romantic vacation.

      • My new husband took me to Victorias Secret to replace every bra and undies H1 had ever seen me in.

      • Yeah, my lingerie and sex stuff were the second stuff to be thrown away. First thing I tossed were the dried up rose petals I had preserved in a decorative glass jar. Those were the first roses he ever gave me. Actually they were first of only two roses he ever gave me in over 20 years! I flushed those petals right down the toilet and just after that I tossed all my lingerie in the garbage. My sister was staying with us at the time (for support) and she said, “I see your threw your lingerie out.” 🙂 That was the day I was “done” with him and would never ever do or say anything again to try to win him back.

        Beth, I like your plan with what you are going to do with your ring money!

  • Left it behind me…

    The day I reached MEH (I’m sure it was a Tuesday) I knew suddenly I wasn’t “going back” to the home I’d shared for 17 years. That whatever I’d left behind–basically, what wouldn’t fit into my car after D-day 2–was lost to me. That the books could be replaced, that furniture and artwork and carpets weren’t worth the emotional pain it would take to achieve them, and were too imbued with that former life and betrayal to bring me pleasure anyway.

    Chumps waiting for MEH: it hit me suddenly. I woke up and somehow it was all over–the stress and worry of WHEN and HOW and WHAT. I knew at once I had to let it all go, and how to do it. I pulled on my clothes, and jumped on my trusty bicycle.

    Halfway to my destination, my phone rang in my pocket. My sister: “Hey, whatcha up to?”

    “I’m going down to throw Fuckwit’s house key into the Susquehanna river” (HIS house key, no longer mine).

    I think it’s awesome that she called me at that moment–a little extra affirmation and solidarity!

    And that, dear Chumps, is how I reached the state of MEH with all the stuff.

    • ““I’m going down to throw Fuckwit’s house key into the Susquehanna river” (HIS house key, no longer mine).”

      I LOVE THIS!!!

    • I have a find memory of throwing my exes phone into the lake

      While she was away from me at the moment, the exes AP name appeared on the phone, so I threw it far out to the lake

      It was hilarious watching her panic and look for her phone, all the while not knowing that I threw it in the lake

      She still doesn’t know that little fact ha ha

      • This reminds me of the asshole’s iPad… the same iPad where I read the texts and emails to/from his “kindred spirit”.
        I destroyed it by slamming it onto the tile floor multiple times. Not knowing what to do with it, I packed it in my bag and took it with me to Disney World. The kids never knew about it, and I laughed my ass off as I threw it in the trash at Magic Kingdom while they were walking in front of me.
        I still laugh when I think about doing that.

      • Ha ha ha

        Nice. Very nice.

        Thanks for sharing with us that delicious moment.

        Still chuckling . . .

    • Five years before ex bailed we had purchased a beautiful piece of land in the Sierra foothills and then built our dream home. I had the plans drawn up, contracted the subs, and oversaw the project. We installed a well, septic, a driveway, and pad. My Dad installed the electrical lines and the kids and I pulled wire (encased it in pipe!) 440 feet up a hill. That house is wired! Our children spent two years of their lives watching it go up and when we moved in we purchased “real furniture.” Before it had been hand me ups, thrift store finds, old family furniture, and inexpensive sale items. When he walked out, he took very little (I personally bagged up all his personal items and placed them in the garage), and I realized we meant very little to him. Why would he want memories, he is empty and without a soul. When the house foreclosed I had a big give away, took many things to the dump, but kept everything that meant anything to me and placed it into storage. I was real and my memories are of my children growing up. I love the dining table because that is where they spent time, doing homework, and my house was full of their childhood friends too. So I value that and know that when I build another house I will have a new home to furnish, and new memories to make, but that old and cherished will have a new life too.

  • My jackass ex refused to get his things and they sat in a nice and neat pile in the garage. On the rare occasion he would see his children, he would go through his stuff, but refused to take it. He finally took the six bags of garbage bags when he had OW’s sister’s wedding and I told him his suit was separated into those bags so he needs to take them all. Finally I said enough was enough, paid a dollar for a storage unit for a month, told him I’m canceling the credit card I put it on so he had 30 days to get his things, tried giving him the key and map of the unit, he said he’d call me and would go with me since it was my unit, never called and all his shit got pitched when he didn’t pick it up. Of course that turned into I threw away all his stuff! Silly narcissistic fool. I have now moved and it feels amazing having nothing of his around. I too bought all new furniture.

    • Wow, you even over-functioned for him with the storage unit, giving him the key and a map! That’s too much. I would have just put it at curb, he knows the pickup schedule, tell him it’s out there if he wants it.

  • After I left him at the airport (sayonara, shithead!) in the country we were living in and had landed back in my home country, I took all of the clothes he had stored in our wardrobe back home and donated them to a soup kitchen! Most of it was still in new condition – Nike shoes, leather jackets, designer shirts – the whole shabang! Best feeling ever. He’s never even asked for his stuff. I think he assumes I still have it, packed for him to come and collect once he sees fit. Ummm, no! If he wants to see his stuff again, he’ll have to go down town and watch it walking around on the people who are now wearing it. Konmarie indeed! Ahhhhhh, the sheer release. I highly recommend it ??

  • I had a garage sale.

    Practically gave it away!

    One thing he got me was his giant carved box. The kids and always referred to it as the biggest jewelry box in the world. He was always critical of how I moved it saying because of the carved legs it had to be carried, not pushed. Um… the thing is huge and he would never help me move it.

    Well I had a friend smash it into pieces with a sledge hammer and I put all the pieces neatly on top of the stuff inside the asshole’s construction dumpster so he could see it.

    Wow that felt good. It felt so good that everything else I had in the house that had memories got destroyed and placed in that construction dumpster too.

    Go me!

    • Oh my! I just lol’d reading about how the giant carved box was smashed to death with a sledge hammer!! I bet that felt good and GO YOU!

      I think I shared this story before, but for the newbies…..

      Ex and I went to Normandy, France years ago. My ex collected sand from the two D-Day beaches we visited. When we got home, he wanted to find something decorative to put the sand in. When we were in Chicago on vacation, he found a clear glass tubular candle holder at Crate and Barrel. When we got home, he carefully put the sand in the candle holder and made sure the sand was put in it so carefully that the two sands wouldn’t touch each other. He then made two clear plastic things that sealed off the glass on each end. I carefully dusted around that candle holder for about ten years. I once jokingly said to him, “If you ever see the two sands mixed together, you will know I’M REALLY MAD AT YOU.” I was teasing at the time and had no intention of ever doing it!

      So, as I was gathering up stuff to pack to move out, I saw his sand-filled candle holder. I picked it up and raised it up and shook the hell out of it! And then I put the mixed sand candle holder back down on his desk. The following day when I went to work, I had my friends laughing so hard as I demonstrated what I did. 🙂

      And I won’t tell you what I did to his sand from California that he put in his Ronald Reagan Museum glass. 😉

      • Oh Martha,
        Now this time you were actually destroying his “stuff” and I LOVE it.
        I can just see you mixing his two sands. This is hilarious.
        You rock girl!!!

      • Omg. My ex had a two colored sand glass thing too. Almost exactly as you described.
        I just poured it out, but now I wish I had shaken it up!!!!

  • In reading these comments, I find it so interesting that when our cheaters left, so many of them (all?) were happy to leave all indications of their “old life” behind. Seems like every one of them wanted to just walk away and pretend our 20-year marriages didn’t exist. I guess it makes sense that commitment meant nothing to them so why should tradition or memories or sentimentality.

    I piled his things by the door each week and he took them with him when he’s come to pick up the kids. What he did with them after that, I have no idea. Probably took it all to the dump himself.

    • Well not entirely true, mine left everything except the big “Fuck me telly” and his precious Xbox (that I bought him) he never took one photo…… see these people have their priorities straight

      • Haha! Mine too! He told the couch, bigger tv and asked for the sound system too. I told him to take since I don’t care about that. Left his other boy toys he no longer wanted. Still working on getting him to take his stuff.

    • Much the same here, my ex said he would always cherish the honeymoon phase of our relationship and would keep digi pix from that time. So the remaining 10 years, and two kids, meant nothing to him.

    • Sometimes I think this is one of the sticking points which helps the most. It’s a bit hard to take his leaving personally if he was so willing to leave EVERYthing behind. (Let’s face it: what did that root beer bottle collection ever do to him to deserve being left behind?)

    • My STBX is only 5 weeks removed from Dday. The weekend he left, he basically packed a weekend bag. The Monday after, when I’d sent a list of next steps across telling him how this was going to play out, he came to get more things but basically just took clothes as far as I can see.

      At the time, he was in a temporary airbnb so I thought it made sense. Now he’s moved in with OW to her new apartment but has yet to come back. He doesn’t even have his bicycle, which I would have thought would come in handy (he used it to get everywhere previously).

      I don’t know if he’s just not had any plan in all of this or if he prefers to just draw a line under his old life and not be reminded. Who knows? Can’t untangle that skein of fucked up.

      • Yes…”stuff” is like an anchor. It keeps you in his story. It is like lugging bags of sand around your neck.

        You know how in the hippie culture they would say, Travel Light, Man. I understand what they mean now. Spiritually and Materially. Stuff is heavy. It weighs you down. Blocks your joy.

        If this son of a bitch has already moved in with the OW – you put his stuff in generic trash bags (no Hefty for him) and tell him in a phone call- your things will be outside on this day at this time. Once they hit the curb, they are no longer my problem. Then, put this in writing in a clean version, (all business, no drama) and send it certified mail. So he can’t say you took his things.

        Then change your phone number. Just do it! I let “stuff” mess me up and keep me trapped. It is all dust in the end.

  • The first time he left for schmoopie 1.0, he took a bunch of stuff with him when he moved out. Then I would find him at the house with his sister and mother packing boxes from the kitchen, china cabinet, kids’ rooms, etc… It infuriated me! During our the separation and divorce distrubution discussions, he was asking for more stuff. The longer it drew on, the more he wanted. Now I’m guessing the dream of ho-ville wasn’t working out. We had only lived in that new house for a year. It was our dream home. It was a family neighborhood and my 4 and 2 y.o. kids loved going outside and playing. I felt like a fraud in that house after he left. Neighbors pitied me and would come by to mow the yard, bring me flowers or a meal. It was devastating.

    The kids and I moved into a much smaller house and I worked hard to make it our home. When I took him back, he put alot of work into the house too remodeling it. We finished the basement, remodeled the kitchen, remodeled 2 bathrooms, landscaping–you name it.

    Fast forward 12 years and he leaves again for twu wuv schmoopie 2.0. I knew how it would go down. He’s a sprinter in life. He would take off as fast as he could and I had to strike quick. I didn’t want him going through everything in the house so I ‘helped’ him pack his stuff and he thanked me!!

    I had my attorney put an end date in our separation agreement for taking the items we agreed to. I changed the locks. After the time was up and he and schmoopie 2.0 weren’t riding off into the sunset in dream fashion, he started texting for stuff. First it was a few beer mugs from the freezer and I sent them. Then some fold out chairs and casserole dishes. I realized he was going to drive me nuts and I called my attorney. She shut that shit down!!

    I think he and schmoopie 2.0 may have completely imploded as now he wants stuff again. We have been divorced since September 2016 so I just ignore those requests and don’t respond 🙂

    I think at some point I won’t want this stuff but most is what I have picked out and I love. I have added a porch onto the back of my house and have had fun decorating it. I have teenagers so I didn’t want to disrupt their life for now.

  • First, I gave all his clothes to the OW. (Post Dday and 3 months of “working on the marriage”, pre-him moving into his parent’s house WITH OW and divorce.)

    Then I boxed all his shit (while he cried in a bedroom and OW got sick in my bathroom). OW slowly packed it all away, over two weeks time, to his parents house or storage facility or something.

    7 months later, the divorce is finalised.

    He and OW have moved 5 blocks down the road from me. I hear from his nephew that I have “stolen” his video game collection. I locate a CD tower in my living room I had missed going through with some PS2 games on it. Put them in a bag, dropped them off on his porch with a note saying “It’s not stealing if you never picked them up before you signed the decree, dickhead. Pardon me for missing them when I had to go through the house by myself and pack all your shit for you.”

    The next year (13 months later!!!) the OW contacts me asking for the Halloween decorations that were still at my house. (I had moved out of state at the time and my brother was renting the house) Arranged it between them when to trade off the box of stuff. My brother had cleaned everything in the house and had found a 24×36 inch framed wedding photo of me and the ex in the attic. Made sure it was prominently displayed sticking out of a trash can when OW picked up the Halloween stuff. According to him, her shocked face and comments “…but he said they didn’t even have a wedding… he said he was miserable but he looks so relaxed and happy in the photo… wtf…” Said he laughed so hard.

    • FB you went above and beyond with your efforts! What losers both of them. Can you imagine screwing a married man then moving into his parents basement?!?! I guess they have to peddle the misery narrative to stupid OW’s in order to get the kibble lay. Sounds like they needed a little triangulation to hotten it up so what better than some halloween decorations? I bet she went back and did some pick me tap dancing after seeing the wedding photo!!

      • That was great about the wedding photo and Halloween decs. I don’t think I have heard of one single cheater/schmoopie marriage or relationship that sounds even vaguely, remotely normal. I see why 99% (or 97%, or whatever dismal statistic it is) FAIL.

  • Stbxh was working a traveling job so he basically lived in hotels. That was great for gathering multiple supply victims. :/ Anyway, I packed up all of his crap and dropped it off at his mother’s house. Ironically, he lost that good job and now he and his newest affair partner live in his childhood bedroom with his parents.

  • Over the years I had become the repository for things belonging to many other people. Parents, siblings, in-laws. In the purge it all went. And once you start purging, you look at your own possessions and discover things you’ve been dragging around for years like an anchor..
    His fuckery was the release of so many anchors. It ultimately was a blessing. I’ve been apart from him four years and actually divorced a little over one. We were married together 18 1/2 years.
    What was a devastating time has turned out to be a liberating gift.
    By the way his life is in the trashcan because Karma is a bitch

  • My situation seems different than most in that my husband of 18 years left for his affair,and took our 16 year old son with him. He had groomed the son to want to go by teaming up together whenever I placed requirements on our son such as academic pressure when he missed assignments or had low performance at school. Our son has ADD and has made good improvements with organization and focus surrounding school, but still needs some pushing. He attends a rigorous private school and don’t most 16 year old boys require pushing? At any rate it’s easy living with dad, do what you want, grades went down a few F’s from a kid who never even had a C- My son is being alienated from me by his dad and dads adult children. I hardly see him because he’s so angry at me! I try and try to see him and it’s become pathetic, like I’m wooing him. AP is not living with dad yet but likely because he’s afraid that will hurt him in the divorce. Temp hearing today. So I don’t see how I will ever get to meh because of the loss, at least for the time being, of my son. Just another layer of betrayal. Also just found out he’s aware of the affair but to what extent he’s exposed to OW I’ve no clue. D day for me was Feb 23 this year though husband left in dec because he was so unhappy for so many years….ummm why did we just spend the last 3 years designing and building or dream home together which we moved into a year ago???

    • Paula, so sorry about son but please don’t give up. I am no expert but I think what you are experiencing is normal for the teenage years. My so was 16 when cheater left a year ago and he seems to be the one who is the most caught in the middle. He is also a middle child. He has a lot of friends with divorced parents and though I don’t know details of all their parents divorces, it seems to be common that they really want their dads’ approval. One person said something I often think about: this is the time that they are turning into me, preparing to separate from the family and now the dad has taken that away and separated from them. It is backwards and really screws with the normal course. So he may be trying to get that back. Who knows, keep trying to teach him what is really right and love him unconditionally because if you give up, you will lose him. If it seems like you are wooing him, it is ok, he may not show it but he will know that you care.

      Hugs and good luck.

    • Paula, your situation is just so impossibly hard. I am so sorry for you. I hope you have or will consider finding a therapist to help you think about how to move forward with your son. It is normal for a teenager to gravitate toward the parent with fewer boundaries, but it is also typical for the teenager to gravitate back in a couple of years when he realizes what a jerk his father is. But you’ll both be in different places then, and being shut out of these last years of his childhood is beyond cruel.

      A therapist can help you be the parent you want to be now–no wooing your son, just kindness, patience, and consistency–even at a distance. But it will remain so very difficult, and you deserve so much more.

    • Paula–I’m so sorry; losing the affection of your son after such a huge blow must be devastating. For the time being, it might be wise not to see your son often, but just drop him notes/texts that you are thinking of him, hope he’s doing well, etc. Son is under Dad’s spell, and any sign of emotion from you will be interpreted negatively.

      Sadly, your son might not come around until he damages his future with bad grades. Sometimes failure is the best learning experience. Hugs!

      • Tempest,
        It truly is the ultimate betrayal to my heart. I was the one raising this boy of mine while his dad worked 10-12 hour days. I took him everywhere, all appointments, volunteered in his class until high school, directed a play he was in, costume the high school ones he does. I have been intricately woven into the fabric of his life from day 1 and now he too discards me to the trash heap. It’s destroying me quite frankly. I’m in counseling, but the pain is unremitting…

        • I know, Paula, it is the ultimate blow. There’s no excuse for your son’s behavior, though I do think the same-sex children of the cheater have the hardest time. The person supposed to be their role model has turned out to be a colossal ass. Time is your friend, but that won’t abate the heartache in the meantime.

          (There is another chump in your same position; if you post in the forums under Private:General, I can alert her to your post. Sometimes it helps to know you’re not alone in your heartache.)

          • This.

            My CheaterX both hated and worshipped his cheating father.

            I echo the advice of others. Limit your contact, as heartbreaking as that will be. It’s early days for your son. He’s with Disney Dad now, and everything is Just Swell. Just drop him a line on his birthday, any holidays you used to share, etc. Keep the message light. Let him know you’re doing well (even if you don’t always feel as if you are), and tell him that you love him and think of him often. Don’t go farther than that. Just keep the door open.

            Eventually he’ll see his father for what he is, though this can take a very long time. When he finally starts making overtures, take it slow and easy. His dad will probably have hindered your son’s ability to trust anyone, but if you take things one step at a time, you can forge a new trust relationship with your son.

            Big hugs to you on having to deal with this betrayal on top of your cheater’s betrayal!

        • The same thing happened to me with my oldest, my daughter, and I didn’t realize what was happening until it was too late. (I kept fighting and fighting, thinking it was mother-daughter stuff, exacerbated by divorce.). Her contempt towards me increased until she moved out April 2016 (at 17) and I found the email stash afterwards – he was coaching her all along.

          After reading research after research, I realize her behavior indicates she is completely enmeshed with her father (it starts slowly, then progresses) and because she’s over 18 now, just turned this year, I can do nothing legally. She also has given up on many dreams while fulfilling the role of dad’s caretaker/confidant/loyalist. This is the heartbreaking part.

          For now, i refuse to give up on her as I see her as a victim, she’s 18 and easily manipulated and send her a text nearly dayly (she rarely responds) and drop by her work from time to time to give her small gifts that only come from mothers (hair ties, cool chap sticks, gloss, books). She takes them and smiles awkwardly.

          Read Divorce Poison. It’s an eye opener and showed me what happened to my kid and how to best combat it.

          As for my two kids remaining at home, I’ve found my badass and protect them like a mama bear. He has tried similar tactics which I now respond to with legally. if tries any shit like loose teenage rules or undermines my authority, ect. I request a hearing in front of a judge to discuss “the best interest of the child”. I’ve only had to do it once but now he knows, as well as my kids, I don’t mess around. Honestly, you cannot reason with these sorts and they only stop when the consequences (like sitting in front of a judge, or paying my legal bill for being an asshole and wasting time) become too high.

          My life is now calmer. My two boys respect me more and I hope my daughter comes around eventually. I regret not protecting her enough in my former chump role. I honestly was a pushover.

          In the meanwhile, don’t give up on your son. Keep loving him, even from afar.

          This is so hard. Hugs to you!

    • I’m sorry Paula. I deal with some parental alienation tactics as well. Fortunately my kids see me as the sane home base. I do know how he operates, and I see my youngest child has been a little bit brainwashed into believing his false narrative. I continue to demonstrate through actions and consistency his narrative is false.

      Things he’s told our children

      Your mom wanted to abort you and I wouldn’t let her.
      I was never home when you were little because I was busy trying to destract myself from your moms bad parenting.
      You know your mom was such a bad mother and made oldest daughter raise other two children.
      Your mom was a bad teenager and did x,y,z … that’s why she isn’t a good parent.

      Basically he feigns concern for there well being and then sneaks in some untrue narrative about me, followed up with some idea that he just wants the best for them (and me… yeah right), but it’s all of them TOGETHER who are the victims of me. I think it’s what’s known as an insult sandwich (or in our case, a shit sandwich)

      I hope you document everything! I know it’s hard and you probably have moments that it seems impossible, but you are mighty! Keep your head up.

      • Holy shit, Got a Brain! Document the hell out of all of that. And deny and tell the truth about your parenting! Don’t let that narrative stand!

    • Paula, I feel so bad for you. But as other chumps have advised here, keep the door open, be patient. It is not easy for a teen, a young man at that, to admit his dad is a dishonest ass. My own experience with my grown sons. But now that all the shit has hit the fan they see where it comes from. They do figure it out, we did have a good influence on them.

    • Paula, my heart goes out to you, dear lady.

      The only thing I can say is that I will pray for you.

    • Okay, Paula, I knew there was an angle of advantage in this for you, I just had to think about it. I washed the dishes, and now I’ve come up with somethin’ for ya:

      Mr. Dad is using this to torture you. The more you are distressed, the happier asshole is.

      He is also using it to get a divorce advantage. But he doesn’t give a damn about your son. Remember what you know about the disordered.

      Once the divorce is settled, your son may be living there, but Mr. Dad may do very little for him..

      Here’s what you do: get back to where you were when son was with you, in terms of Mom-calm. Really try not to woo him (I know you know this). Try with all our might to be settled. This will come in so handy later. You will really, really want to be the sane parent. Custody-wise, settlement-wise, and financially, being calm and stable will be a huge benefit to you.

      Next, when the custody part is being written, try to get the writing to indicate the terms will hold for whichever parent has custody. The whole point is to make your settlement and your custody with the idea that son will be soon back with you (he’s just a pawn to Mr. Dad) and that you will want the agreement to benefit you.

      The last thing is to think how you will help son get over this trauma his dad has put him through. Take care of yourself Paula: get your doctor’s office visits, eat nutritious food, exercise, say your prayers, get good and enough sleep, at a minimum.

    • Paula,
      I am so sorry for all your pain.
      Tempest and others will give you valuable advice.
      Here, in CN, each Chump feels your pain, especially when
      a precious child is involved.
      One day your son will realize that you have been the sane, loving parent.
      He will return to you.
      Please come to CN as often as you can, while you travel this difficult road.
      We care Paula, we love you and we have your back!

      Xxxx

    • I sold the jewelry Porky Pig gave me and used the money to pay for a wonderful spa vacation for my daughter and me!

      Sold the Samsung tablet he gave me for Christmas and got the iPad that I had wanted!

      • Hahaha! My kids rib my stbx all the time for his love of the droid! We all have iPhones. Now I am glad because communication with him is that much harder!

  • “Stuff” was always very important to KK, and very inconsequential to me. During the “Summer of Sham” as we waited for the GAL to complete her report for the court, she methodically started setting aside the things she wanted to take with her and formalizing in a list to her lawyer the bigger “stuff” (furniture, etc.) she was claiming for herself. I objected to nothing — stuff is just stuff, anything she wanted would never be missed or very easily replaced.

    It was only after she was finally moved out and I began inventorying what was left behind that I discovered she somehow didn’t think it necessary to take her recently renewed passport or the title to her car. Suffice to say they’re no longer here for her to retrieve.

    The only thing of “hers” is the piano from her mother’s house, which she’d hoped our daughters would take up. I’ve contacted a few musical instrument donation organizations, but no luck yet. So I’m open to suggestions if anyone in CN had any.

    • Classified or freecycle … free piano to anyone willing to haul it away. Gets it out of your house and it gives some kid who actually wants to play a wonderful opportunity.

    • When I moved to my much smaller house I had to give up my piano. It was mine, not my ex’s so no victory there, just a necessity due to space. I put a message on Facebook that I was looking for a new home for my piano and one of my old highschool friends wanted it for his daughter in law. He and his son and son-in-law came and got it. They sent me pictures of DIL enjoying it which was a wonderful feeling for me, knowing it went to someone who would cherish it. I don’t know if you’re on Facebook or other social media UX, but it’s worth a try.

      • Good ideas about the piano. It’s in what used to be his “mancave” which is now empty except for that damn piano. Those are a bitch to move if I ever decide to sell MY house. There have been times I wanted to take a sledge hammer to it which would be so satisfying but logic always gets the best of me.

      • You can get a keyboard that folds under the bed. I have a pretty basic board that has great grand piano sound. The keys are a bit to get used to but its something.

  • Ive been quite lucky he left and took everything (mainly just his clothes and dvd collection) but his passport and drivers licence.
    I have since given these back to him, he looked surprised!

    He was never into home decoration so the house is as i wanted it anyway had only been redecorated a few months before he left, and even with 13 years in that house of memories i try to see it as a secure environment for my little girl as she doesn’t need any more disruption.

    i am looking at a new sofa though as that the one thing that bugs me that the corner was ‘his seat’ hopefully get a new one soon!
    I sent him all the pictures that have him on he can do with them as he pleases 🙂

  • XH left our home with just the clothes on his back, his blood pressure meds and my car. Since he moved in immediately with Schmoopie, he didn’t need any household stuff. I crammed all his clothing and toiletries into black plastic garbage bags and tossed them into the landfill. I just couldn’t bring myself to donate his “stuff” to Goodwill because it was tainted with his stink and wasn’t fit for anybody. Best left to rot at the dump!
    Some things he left I am saving for my son…not for sentiment but because they have quite a bit of monetary value (guns, antique fishing lures, coin collections). It is so easy for these fuckwits to walk away from everything because they have no true bonds. During our divorce hearing, his own attorney asked him if he wanted any baby/childhood photos of our son or any other memorabilia. The answer was no.

    • Wow. He actually said NO in open court??? Guess he left his mask at home that day.

      My cheater ex didn’t take a single picture either or ask for any of them since Dday in August 2014. I did sneak one in though of just the two of them when I put all his clothes and other stuff I didn’t want to see again in boxes. I wanted to have at least ONE reminder of the life he walked away from, his son’s.

      • My ex didn’t take a single photo with him, or any of the keepsakes the kids had made for him over the years.

        Cold bastard.

  • The first month after Dday I was in such a fog that i actually took a pillow and made it look like Porky Pig was still sleeping on his side of the bed. I know how pathetic that is but that’s just how hurt and shocked I was at the time. When reality sunk in, I rearranged the bedroom, and moved the damn king size bed to a different wall… all by myself. I actually like the feng shui better now, plus I get to “starfish” at night!

    But, the most liberating thing for me was moving his mother’s china cabinet into the garage.

    When Porky Pig’s mother died, her home was sold “as is” to a developer who was going to knock it down and build a McMansion on the lot. I suggested to PP that he drive up there and see if there was anything he wanted to save…like her jewelry, photo albums, whatever. He balked. This was really odd to me [missed red flag] until Chump Lady explained that these people have no attachment or emotional connection to people, places, or things.

    Long story short, we ended up with her china cabinet.

    At the risk of offending my fellow chumps I must tell you that this china cabinet is the tackiest piece of New Jersey Italiana I have ever seen. And, it weighs about 5 tons. I couldn’t believe that out of all his mother’s stuff, this was the one piece of furniture PP wanted. It is 100% dreadful but it has been in our family room ever since.

    Last weekend, I took that tacky piece of shit apart and my daughter helped me move it into the garage. I felt like the [PP] badge of servitude had just been lifted from my life.

    He was stunned when I told him to come pick it up. And that was the best part of all!

    • No offense taken. I grew up in NJ, and I know those (5-ton, crammed full of shiny sparkly crap) china cabinets!

    • The know attachment sure is a red flag for my in laws! There is no attachment to people or stuff. When their house burned, they were not interested in salvaging anything. They bull dozed it all. When they sold their home later, they gave away everything to whoever took it first and without giving anyone a second chance, they throughout or took to goodwill all sorts of decor that was in brand new condaition. Then they purchased everything new for their new condo. Cheater took furniture from them which was in fabulous condition to his new place but within 4 months he had given it all away and bought brand new stuff. Apples don’t roll.

  • My ex left 17 months ago and took almost nothing with him. I packed his clothes solely because I wanted his drawer space. ? He’s a hoarder so I’ve been tripping over his shit and throwing things out as I go. Apparently he and the OW bought all new stuff for their place. I can’t wait to move out and buy all new for mine. Ive been packing up what’s mine and shoving his stuff into empty cabinets for him to deal with when the house sells.
    I’ve kept the mattress though because it was expensive and works well for my back. I disinfected his side and now the dogs enjoy having more room to spread out at night. They don’t miss him either.
    It’s important not to attach meaning to things that are only things or hold on to things that have negative memories attached. Call the dumpster people and toss anything out that brings you pain.

    • Oddly while not attaching in some ways, mine was a hoarder in other ways- things like tools and all the crap related to his hobbies. As he was planning his exit and I was clueless, he began taking truckloads of tools to his business. I mistook this as consideration and turning over a new leaf. Wrong- it was him taking anything of value to him. He still has truckloads of crap in the basement and occasionally tells the lawyer that me not letting him in the house is causing him to have to spend marital money. It is total bullshit. He took everything of value to him. I have gotten rid of some junk but lawyer says not to get rid of most of it until after the divorce. I am also torn because I want him to have the pain of removing and disposing of it but I would also just like to be freed mentally of his stuff. It is about control.

    • ” I disinfected his side and now the dogs enjoy having more room to spread out at night. They don’t miss him either.” LOL. 🙂

      • My 2 dachsies have taken up permanent residence in my bed too! They are the best hot water bottles ever (it is cold here at the moment!) although one of them does snore and they both have a tendency to invade my side of the bed! Still very preferable to the Sprout (who was almost as hairy as the dogs anyway)

  • After many, many months of asking the exh to pick up his stuff that was in the garage, I ended up having a yard sale! Hey, I warned him!

    He traveled quite bit and had tons of crap. He was a also a newspaper reporter back in the day when we first married and had pictures with famous people and elite athletes, from the US and our home country. Those sold like pancakes!!!! My daughters were ever so helpful in this venture and even told our customers of why we were selling a lot of men items. My youngest, maybe 7 or 8 at the time, told them mom kicked dad out because he was not respectful to the family and we were donating the money to a charitable cause. Believe me, everyone understood the “not respectful to the family part” – no need to say more. They gladly paid more money for the totems than what I was originally asking for.

    At the time, CL had posted a link to donate to a cause on her website, so we used funds to help out there, donated to CL and I then we went out for ice cream!

    It was the best feeling ever – for many, many reasons!

  • Fortunately my relationship with the sociopath was short lived and the fucker just suddenly disappeared without a word of explanation. I realized later that I was just a transitional target; a short term amusement to feed his ego while he groomed his next long term victim and I was starting to catch on to his bullshit. I’d sent texts, emails, and never heard a word back. I didn’t have anything of his other than a few gifts he’d given me which I took to Deseret Industries donation bin post haste. He did however, have things of mine. The exhole had been stupid enough to give me his login to USAJobs so that I could fix his resume (his writing is atrocious). I told him that I’d taken the liberty to make a few changes to his USAJobs resume (not really, but he probably spent forever trying to figure out what I did) and that if he didn’t give me my shit back he wouldn’t want to find out what I would do next (which was nothing, but he didn’t need to know that). Even though I had heard nary a peep from him, my stuff magically showed back up in the mail. I didn’t get all my stuff back, but I got most of it and that was good enough.

  • Mine basically took his personal belongings only, such as clothing, etc. I did find it curious he wanted the TV from the bedroom. It was so old (and this was 8 years ago) it needed one of those digital converter boxes, which you could no longer find. He probably wondered why I gladly gave it to him.

    He has left a pair of boots I had made for him, not cheap. One day I was pissed at him because he yelled at me in front of the kids and I went home, took those boots to the fire pit and set them on fire! Do you know how hard it is to get leather to burn?

  • I boxed up every last thing I could find of his and sent it with him. Come Christmas time, a glass ornament commemorating his stint in the Gulf War came to an inglorious end … and I had a “smashing” good time escorting the remains to the trash!

  • I love where I live so not moving. This was my house before it was ours and now it’s mine again. All his shit went into boxes and bags in the basement. It flooded, his mom and stepdad came to get it as I told them if they didn’t get it in 2 days I was trashing it since all of it was soaking wet. They came, it went. As for things like art and objects, they don’t really trigger memories of him. I did replace the coffee pot but there is a story behind that.

    I completely redid the kitchen (cost too much). I put in french doors and built a deck. In the process putting in wood flooring there so I removed all carpet in the entire upstairs so it’s all redone wood. I painted my bedroom lemon yellow and replaced the carpet. My living room I painted purple. That got rid of the fingerprints he took joy in leaving on the walls. I ran out of steam at that point. I still need to redo the bathroom.

  • My X hoarder refused to get his stuff out. The garage and storage building as well as sides of the house were full of junk. He would come over and piddle around in it for hours without cleaning it up.

    It’s all about control and staying connected with their victim. It was horrible. I still have nightmares about the overflowing garage.

    I finally had a garage sale and then a thrift store picked up what was left. I sold the house, which was like a ticking time bomb from all his crappy repair jobs.

    I moved to a new town, new house, new garden, new friends and new man. I totally believe in the power of breaking up with the stuff just as much as breaking up with them. Move!

  • When Mr. Sparkles announced “he was done” (yup, same phrase – no originality here!)… he needed to move himself and our two teenage kids (my stepchildren) with him. He TEXTED them that they were moving out in 3 days and to get ready.

    I told him to take our bed (always hated the mattress). I gave him a full set of pots/pans/plates/etc. He took the kids furniture (that took longer, after all he had a date on moving day)… so the kids were in limbo for a while.

    I owned our house. He had nothing when we met, he left with about the same (thank you pre-nup!).

    It has been three years. My son loves his “home” and we have great neighbors and live in a quaint town, so moving wasn’t really an option. So, instead… my best friend repainted my bedroom while I was at work one day. I refurnished it in MY STYLE… and that ignited something in me… I began to slowly “makeover” my house. Every room has now been repainted OR furniture replaced (Craigslist can be good too). I invested in an outdoor patio and updated my son’s bathroom. I even put in a new front door.

    Friends tell me, it’s a whole new place – and it is.

    As for the shit the fuckwit left behind for two years while the divorce was going through… I gave him two weeks to get it out after the divorced was final. He waited until the last day (of course) and called me a fucking bitch the whole time. I retorted, “well, you’re a whore.” (Would never have done that 3 years ago… must’ve been the house talking!)

    Now he’s got to pack up his shit again ‘cuz he got his new “head in the sand” schmoopie to let him move in with her. Not quite the 2000 sq feet house the OW had… more like 900 sq feet… but when you’re in love, you don’t mind being on top of each other all the time, I guess.

    Get the shit gone folks – starting with the cheater. Life is so much lighter without all that crap.

  • I just sent my X (and his new wife) a box filled with old photos. Actually did it on purpose. There were pics of three of our old houses and the renovations he did on them plus pics of us with his old college friends (OW is an old college friend), pics of the kids as babies with their daddy, pics of his sister and her husband (who won’t speak to him bc of OW), pics of his parents (they all live together now). And finally threw in the box the old Christmas letters I used to write when we were pregnant up until kids turn 4 or so. All with pics attached. I hope he felt sucker punched. I told him that he had more room than me to store the photos and the kids have asked him to hold onto them. I was going to throw in our wedding album but thought dimwit might finally see what I was doing. I hope he cried like a baby at the 30 years he tossed away!

  • Mine took almost everything and left just scraps behind. I didn’t care – there were only a few things I wanted, and I kept those. Still, I was left with a nearly empty apartment and two nervous cats.

    My dad showed up a few days later, unannounced, with a truck full of furniture and household goods. I was sleeping in a pile of clothes and blankets on the floor when he arrived.

    That night, I slept on a bed that my douchebag ex and his parade of skeeve had never touched. It was a massive relief. (Thanks, Dad.)

    Some time later, I discovered the ex had left something of great personal/family (and monetary/historic) value in the closet. I couldn’t bring myself to discard it because it was too precious to his whole family. I wanted it out. So, I packaged it very securely and asked some mutual acquaintances to give it to him, explaining that it was a good thing but I just couldn’t see him again to return it. They agreed.

    Some time later, they called to ask me what was in the box. I said I’d rather not discuss it and asked why they were asking. They told me he had opened it at their house (which took a box knife and time…), burst into tears, closed the box, and sobbed that he thought I would have thrown it away and he couldn’t believe he had it all back.

    I said to the friends, “Clearly, he never knew me at all.” Now, though, so many years later, I think it’s more likely that he was leaving a hook, that he knew fully well that I would not destroy that box, and he was using it as a Hoover tool. I think the intense emotion was really a loss of control – I had managed to return it without contacting him.

    Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he really did care about the contents. Maybe both things are true. All I know for sure is that he wouldn’t have done the same for me.

    The best part of getting rid of the box is that, even though I didn’t consciously know it was there all that time, offloading it started a cascade of steps to reclaim my own space. I moved to another unit in my building and began to love living alone. It was so freeing, that literal and a figurative 20 pound sudden loss of weight from my life, and I really started looking forward instead of back.

  • First thing I did the night he left was sit on the couch dumbfounded. Looked up at the painting over the fireplace mantle that I got him for our anniversary one year. Got up, selected the wide butcher knife from the block, walked over and slashed right through it.

    He picked up a few things a couple days later and texted to say ‘Shame about the painting’ when he left.

    He has taken only a few clothes. The rest of his shit, guitars, files, half a pile of laundry are all still around. It doesn’t bother me that much, they’re only things.

    He’s buying me out and I’m running. He can sort out the garage, decide what to do with the Christmas lights in the closet and the owl doorstops we picked out together. In the meantime I’m in the house but sure as damn it this will not be my mess to clean up.

  • I had to make the property list in the divorce and during the only 4 way meeting (two attorneys and us).
    It was surreal. When he glanced at the property list he snickered and threw it on the table and started telling his horrified attorney how “cheap” I was because I included the Dyson vacuum in my column. My attorney piped up and told him that I was told to make the list as part of the process and to please look it over. “I don’t want ANYTHING from her!!” he yelled…uh…except the big screen tv and the full length mirror. My tribe and I got so many laughs from the full length mirror request. Talk about priorities;)
    I did pack up all his “stuff” and just forced it on him when he decided to show up for visitations.
    Skip ahead to soon after the divorce early this year, and he tells me he is going to “introduce DD to someone”.
    His way of doing it was to bring her to the affair partner’s apartment and say, “DD, this is my girlfriend and this is where you will be staying now. Look at all the presents we got you!”
    She came home the next day and told me where she now stays (I had to call the asshole for the address to where he now, “all of a sudden”, lives. I did so in a neutral way but it gave him an opportunity to ask in his usual aggressive manner, “you gotta problem with it?!”;)
    Anyhoo, DD, in between being excited about her new stuff and crying her eyes out, managed to let me know that she knows where daddy’s mirror is now…in his new room with affair partner. Awesome parenting skills these disordered folks have.

  • I was actually thinking about this in some way this morning. I got him to take all his stuff very soon after D-day. I just chucked it all in black bags and gave it to him when he came to get DS. I was looking in my wardrobe today and there is so much stuff that is associated with cheater. I don’t know if I can bring myself to wear those things again. I haven’t been able to throw any photos or cards out yet. I did delete all photos involving him off my phone though.

  • I am still in the house since I owned it before I married Narkles the Clown, so I repainted very room. Nearly all the furniture is from before I met him too, antiques from my family, sturdy stuff with no mental attachment to him. He continued very little to the household in that way so what he did bring or buy went with him, thank goodness. The few pieces of furniture he left I set by the curb for anyone who wanted it. New TV and new living room furniture.

    Small things he left went with me to an outdoor gun range. I especially enjoyed a few glass items I figured out came from schmoopies past. After folks asked what I was doing I gave them the condensed version. “I just divorced my husband after he cheated on me. He moved out and left this shit behind so I’m going to destroy It.” Lots of support there. Folks started asking if they could help so I let them. Taking aim at a shot glass from some resort he went to without me and blasting it to smithereens was satisfying. Watching someone with 45 cal gun blow away a paperweight inscribed with some sappy inspirational saying felt great. The empathy and understanding I got that day from people I never met before was uplifting and empowering.

    Every once in awhile I still find some small thing when cleaning out a cabinet or draw and just toss it in the trash, giving it very little thought.

    • If I had a gun, I would have done the same thing! Super MIGHTY and freeing for sure! I had a few small fires and smashed other stuff. 🙂

    • AOOK!!! I love the gun range idea!!! I should do that with some old pics. I bet the owner would let me. It’s be great practice. #pewpew

  • WOWSER! I needed this today. Im still in our same house with our kids. The house doesn’t bother me because my ex spent so much time whore-ing around and out the house I barely have any memories of him actually occupying any space other than the bedroom. But he left a ton of shit. He did of course take his precious Michael Jordan Sneaker Collection and his T-shirt collection. I threw out a ton of his shit! Including 2 brand new Ralph Lauren suits!! Some of his shit he collected after our property settlement but he left an old car in the garage. It needed a new transmission. I asked for the title so I could repair it. I wanted to give it to my son who was of driving age. He promised to sign the car title over but he never did. He loves to play keep -sway. Its plenty hard to sell a car without a key and a car title!! So I had to employ some Special Weapons and Tactics (SWAT) but I sold that car and used the money to buy my son a new used car. My ex went ballistic!! He blew up my phone. I didn’t respond to not one.single.text.!! I felt so good after that! Im still fixing up my house and making it mine. And believe it or not, I tried to re-finance the house and take his name off the loan. He went to settlement and refused to sign. He walked away from his share of the equity and wouldn’t sign the deed! Back to court we go. I realize now that no matter if we sold the house or I re-financed he wont ever sign because he cant let go. Even though he swears up and down he wants his money from the equity and he wants his name off the house. Coulda fooled me!!! God, I hate him. I can only assume that God has something much better and richer in store for me. No one should have to endure this much shit from someone they have been divorced from for 4 years!! Anywho, be mighty chumps!! Throw that shit out or donate it. Don’t be afraid to use some Special Weapons and Tactics (SWAT) to do so either. Sometimes it can be tricky when you still co-own property together. But sometimes the mind can get senile… “What car?” ” You didn’t leave a car in the garage when abandoned this house!”… HEHEHEH see what I mean!!!

  • I’ve got a new adventure in jackasses and stuff to share.

    My EX moved into his own place some years ago (round 1 of “stuff” problem). But last year he abruptly moved out of state (abandoning his home and all his stuff). Now, he has offered to sell some items to my kids–things they want and perceive as valuable–if they wish to go to his abandoned residence and retrieve them. I am refusing to provide funds to buy the junk that I already 1) paid for during our marriage, 2) paid for a second time during the bartering/splitting of assets during our divorce, and 3) would prefer to see destroyed in a fiery blaze.

    I’m holding the line at “your father can give you things, but I am not going to pay your father for things I don’t want to buy.” So, the kids are now working out deals with dad where they will take possession of stuff and pay him back as they are able over time. Note–this “stuff” is junk, but because it is Dad’s and Dad tells them it is valuable, they want it. Obviously, there are psychological dimensions to this for the kids, but most of it is straight up manipulation by a jackass without a job (hasn’t had one since the year we separated and he quit to request alimony and claim inability to pay child support) who is shameless enough to try to squeeze funds out of his minor children.

    I am, of course, being labeled as the “mean” one in all of these discussions.(I only discuss this with the kids; I am NC as far as is legally possible with the EX.)

    What kind of jackass of a parent makes his kids “buy” things from him that he doesn’t want and aren’t worth the gas to haul away?!?

    The karma bus is nice, but I really want the karma lightening bolt to burn his uninhabited lair to the ground right now. (Sure, he’d get some insurance money, but none of the horrible “stuff” would come back into my home, and my kids would not be “in debt” to their father.)

    • Wow, I believe that is an all time low in the parenting sweepstakes. Damn. I’m sorry Eilonwy. I would hate for that crap to come back into my space too. And your poor kids…what a mindfuck.

    • What kind of dad asks his kids to pay him for his stuff? What a jerk and your poor kids! ((Hugs)) to them. 🙁

      I have thought of this often. When ex and I got married, he moved from his parents house into our new apartment (I had been living alone prior to us getting married). His parents said he could have a really old chair that they no longer wanted (they got all brand new living room furniture) and he had to pay them $50.00 for it. The old furniture was from the early 70’s and we got married in 1994, so it was definitely old and definitely out-of-date. But he really liked the chair as it was very comfortable.

      What kind of parents makes their kids pay for their stuff that they no longer want? Especially really old stuff!!

      I would never ever in a million years ask my kids for money for anything that I have. Nothing! I’m all for teaching kids about being responsible with money and working hard to earn money to get what you want. But to make you kid pay you for your unwanted stuff?

    • Eilonwy,

      Maybe one day one of your kids would go over there, and discover that there was a break in. All kinds of ‘stuff’ missing. Let EX know that stuff was taken, and he can file a report if he wants. Then, after the ‘break in’, have your kids go over and take the stuff they want.

      Good luck with it, whatever you do.

      aeronaut

  • I have not destroyed pictures yet. I don’t know if I will. I still have a box of love letters through the years. I never look at them or even want to, but somehow, for me, it is proof that I thought he (and we) were a great couple and were living our vows. Ex went on such a smear campaign, I think if kids ever look at it, they will know for sure he is full of shit and know that I loved their dad and they were brought into a loving family with parents who adored each other.(at least I did and he pretended to) Time will tell if they are ever seen.

    On a side note, the fool just has to come raging back to ask for more “stuff”. This time, a couple of days after Father’s Day he told my son to tell me he wanted the tool chest (and tools) back. Found out he was texting all the kids- claiming it was a Father’s Day Present for him. I calmly told my son, no- divorce was so done- over 2 years ago and it is and was over. I also said I doubt it was a father’s day gift at all, as I bought it and put it together to organize the garage, but said aven IF it was,a gift he never asked when it was division time.so he can buy new tools and a $99 cart for them. My son (17) said he thought I was being a bit mean about it. I said no, not mean, but frustrated that he is using you to be an intermediary.

    Just when you think 10 months of no contact and divorce mess is going to be 11, he pulls some kind of
    move like “Mom is not giving me back a Father’s day gift!!!!”

    If I was contacting him I would have said, “Failed attempt to paint me in a bad light, you Tool.”
    In time son will get son to where the daughters are- they ignored his tool box texts and saw it as another sign of his craziness!

    So, my Ex gets to be him without me- the best revenge of all! I’m free!

  • So my last narc (there was a decades-long string of them, alas) left me stranded with his mother’s ugly, sagging double dresser. It was a bear to get up two flights of twisty stairs so that’s probably why he left it (plus he knew I hated it). It was too big for me to move so I tolerated it for years disguising it the best I could.

    Finally, I smashed it into bits (using only a hammer) and put it on the curb.

    It felt so GOOOOOD.

    There is a topic on the forum called ‘FUCK!!’ where chumps just unload the expletives and often comment how good it feels. Smashing that dresser felt like that – only in a more three dimensional way.

    • Smashing sh*t can be so cathartic ! Guess what I did with the wedding goblet engraved with our first names and wedding date ? Walked up to the attic,flung open one of the windows and tossed it three stories down onto the patio ! I scared the neighbors that day… “Honey, did you hear glass breaking ? Is there an intruder ?”

  • The home office ex used as his porn viewing den was gutted of all furnishings, repainted bright purple and repurposed into an art studio for my daughter. I LOVE walking by and in that room now. The half-built half-baked wood-project dresser in the garage that sat unfinished for 12 years was chucked unceremoniously into the garbage, along with everything else of his I found in the house after he moved out. I kept all the good stuff like TVs, electronics, etc and I enjoy them. I can’t move, but I did replace all the furniture- STARTING WITH THE BED.

    He’s been gone nearly 2 years now and my house has never been cleaner and nicer. It’s amazing how much things change for the better when a human-sized PIG is out of the picture.

    • “My house has never been cleaner and nicer”

      ME TOO!!!!
      I walk through my house barefoot at night now. It’s amazing!

  • I am in the same house. I bought it right before we married. I put the money down made all the mortgage payments and had to refinance to cash him out in the divorce. That said, I love the house and the location and am not moving.

    What I have done to reclaim it:
    Finally ripped out (down tho the studs) the master bath. I always wanted to do this but never could because cheaterturd would never have allowed the process, since he slept most days away and didn’t like people in the house. It is now a gorgeous oasis.
    Turned his man cave into the most lovely room ever. It’s girly now, blue couch, totally redecorated.
    Repainted every room that he insisted he pick the paint colors for but we’re just hideous.
    New mattress.
    I also threw away everything he didn’t take when he left. Especially the attic he had loaded with shit.

    I was shocked once he was gone and I cleaned out that literally every closet in my 2500 square foot house is now empty except my one closet with my clothes in it. He was a buyer and a hoarder, another side effect of him constantly trying to,fill the empty void in his soul with stuff. He rarely worked but bought things constantly. He died shortly after our divorce so anything left at my house was then fair game and in the trash it all went.

    My house is now bright and airy and relaxing. Everything it never was when he was around.

    • After he moved out, my house quit stinking. He stunk, his stuff stink and when he left, he took the stench with him. It took me a few months to realize that happened…. when I walked into my house after a long day and realized it smelled good.

      • Yep that stink left when he did too. From his greasy skin to his 40 a day cigarette habit. I once made the mistake of wiping down a surface of a white wall when I moved a picture. Had to wash the entire room once I realized that everything was stained yellow from his disgusting habit. Oh and since I am no longer funding 40 ciggies a day guess what – I’m rich!!!! From what I see on Facebook, latest schmoopie doesn’t think much of his cigarette habit either, ha, bloody ha.

      • My stbx stinks as well. Especially in the summertime. Not armpit sweat, or any other recognizable smell. Just a general fat-hairy-man who lives on cheeseburgers grossness.
        I wonder if this will happen to my house as well. I hope so.

  • Mine was a little different. She moved out and took just about everything of value (silver sets, crystal, etc) even if I had paid for it. Lawyer was no help saying if I didn’t have photos and receipt for the items, nothing I could do. Having been accumulated over 20 years I didn’t have receipts for most of it. She did leave behind almost all the furniture only because i had receipts and paid for it myself. What did I do?

    – Gave away our bedroom set to one of my son’s friends. Threw out the mattress and boxspring . The thought of sleeping on it was sickening.
    – Donated to charity the living room set, family room set, kitchen set, pots/pans, rugs, dishes, drapes, curtains, etc. (Goodwill will send a truck for enough stuff btw).
    – Bought another house 1.5 hours away from her to be closer to work and family.
    – Moved into new house with my clothes, a dining room set, TV and not much else.
    – Went to IKEA and bought a futon, bed, dresser and mattress (yes, i really like them and they are inexpensive). Bought new dishes, pots/pans, silverware, etc. while staying on a tight budget.
    – Over the past year I visit garage/estate sales to pick up things here and there. It’s actually a lot of fun.

    Yes, it was exhilarating and scary to hit the “reset” button on my life. For the first time in 20 years I actually got to pick out what I liked! I could make my own choices which was confusing at first. I really had difficulty deciding on things because I never had a say in it. Now I live in MY house with MY furniture and decorated (if you want to call it that) with MY choices. My friends joke around with me saying inside my house has that “minimalist” look, like a dorm room. LOL. I guess I realized I didn’t need all that “stuff” to make me happy.

  • My theory about the disorderd and their stuff is that they actually cannot deal because they have crap life skills.

    However, they are masters of image management, so they flip the script to make their Chump seem either vindictive or incompetent.

    This ensures that any negative scrutiny is on the Chump and keeps Chumps focused on stuff instead of the crap life skills on display.

    I remember once my last narc said after a frustrating discussion of what to do with all the stuff piled up that he didn’t want to deal with, “If you loved me you would make it all go away”.

    • Yes on the vindictive part. After waiting for him to get his garage stuff for 6 months, I finally had my lawyer send him a letter telling him he had 10 days to get it out. His response? “It was unnecessary to involve you lawyer.” Yeah. You keep on believing that, douchebag.

        • He was supposed to come get his stuff today. I got an email last night from him saying he had another staph infection (he had two when we were married which caused him to be hospitalized) and wouldn’t be able to move out his stuff today. So I have to wait ANOTHER week. GAH!!!

    • Mine left everything except his clothes and a couple of things I told him he had to take. He was shocked that I was making him remove the furniture his mom left him (before we were together). He now has an air of superiority about the stuff, that I am too materialistic and he is too intelligent to be concerned about things! Meanwhile he helped me pick out every item in the place. I could not even bring a candle holder into the place without his approval.
      He left everything behind when he cheated on his first wife and left her (long before my time). He didn’t even take pictures of his son. What a fuckwit. He says he is sleeping at a freind’s place on a mattress on the floor and is proud of that. Let me repeat, Fuckwit!

  • Just recently I put his guns in the storage locker of the rental property we coown. Let them rust in peace.

    • The possession of firearms comes with legal parameters. If they’re his, and you aren’t afraid of him using them against you, then you need to disclose to him where they are and give him access so he can get them. Depending on your state, you could be charged for illegal possession.

      Talk to an attorney about that.

  • I moved.

    I left my wife, which meant I packed up my clothes and key belongings and let her deal with an empty apartment full of furniture, belongings, and reminders of our life together.

    I’d love to say this was intentional, but really I was so weak at the time that I knew I’d let myself be tricked by her again if I stayed.

    In our divorce settlement, I paid my wife for the depreciated value of all of those things.

    It was frustating sometimes to have to re-accumulate every thing, from large (a bed) to small (a clothes drying rack). It’s a process that is still ongoing.

    But I am happy to not be surrounded by our belongings…half of which were wedding presents. Let her and the OM enjoy the Scandinavian dishes and utensils, throw pillows, and wine rack that were on our registry: the people who gave those gifts to us believed we’d be a faithful couple, sharing those gifts throughout our lifetimes. My ex-wife lasted 3.5 years, destroying whatever meaning those gifts may have had.

    Move on.

    • You weren’t “weak” to move out — you knew yourself and your survival mode kicked in. And you have survived and should be proud of that. There’s a lot of talk here at CL about the ways in which people are mighty and, for me, it’s been easy to (chumpishly) compare myself unfavorably to some of the others here. But my situation is my own, as is yours, and whatever you did to survive it is the right thing. No weakness noted.

  • I kicked him out, waited until our lease was up (made him continue paying half), then took what I wanted and moved out. Made him clean up and remove the rest to get our deposit back. Then kept the deposit in full. Sucks to suck.

  • I moved Hannibal Lecher out of my heart (known as “taking out the trash”). After that, there was no need to get rid of anything I liked (even jewelry) because it was no longer emotionally connected to him.

    • This is true for me as well at least where any household items are concerned. They are just stuff. No emotion tied to them. Plus, to replace them would cost more than I have, especially as I continue to pay attorney bills. Plus, he was gone most of the time anyway, so they were always more mine than ours even if he bought them.

    • I have some things he gave me, a T-shirt and some jewelry, that I really like but haven’t been able to wear yet. I can’t wait until I can enjoy these things again. The emotional disconnect is happening, just not as quickly as I would like–8 months out.

  • I still have some stuff. I was a good chump. He said he would give me a 6-8 weeks to get out while he lived with one of his many smoopies. A lot of our nice furniture was mine. But I was moving into a tiny studio. Since it reminded me of our home together – I had the charity truck come and take it all away.

    When he wanted something from the house- who ch was every third day. I told him I’d put it in my car in the garage and I’d open it for him enough to get it. But he kept asking for random shit. Like he got off on me boxing up insignificant shit he just had to have.

    I changed the locks for those weeks so I knew he wouldn’t show up and see me crying.

    He was a weirdo when I moved out and he moved back in to let the whore parade come to our old bed. Getting furious about me taking the blender and other small shit. I left our mattress which I bought before him. It was really high end and hard to leave but it had cheater dick all over it.

    I have made a real effort to change things that was ours to my own new things. But I haven’t even bought a new tv yet.

    Sadly, we still have a debunked side web business he is waiting on me to deal with. It was just beginning to become something when I got sick. Since it used his fame and my business skills, it can’t go on without the star. Ugh.

    I still have about 5 boxes of his/our stuff I can’t bring my self to sort. I need to to move on- but it’s still painful. Mostly photos and keepsakes. However, I gave a lot of our legal papers that I didn’t get to before he kicked me out, so now they sit. I need to get them back to him without contact. How to do that?

    • You were nice about the mattress. I’m pretty sure I would have soaked fish in water for a few days and then poured it all over the mattress just before I walked out the door.

      • I wish I thought of that:) I did take the frame and the box springs- donate them. I threw away all the sheets and just left the mattress on the floor. He was furious enough with that! He started sending old photos he had of me in the mail to my P.O. box, weird little fuck yous with no note. I’d have a mini seizure every time I went to the mailbox

    • Put all the papers in a box, send it special delivery with a signature required when received, then forget about it.

  • We had been living in separate households so our stuff was already divided. Everything I owned was in a storage unit waiting for us to move into our new house after we had recently married and I moved halfway across the country to be back together as a family with our toddler. That made the “stuff” issue pretty straightforward. When I finally got back on my feet a year later and moved into a new home, I unpacked all of my pre-D-day belongings and found our vintage wedding cake topper. Ironically, the groom’s head had broken off. The bride still stood solid. I decided to keep it as a symbol, and I enjoy watching the groom’s severed head roll around.

    A few months ago I upgraded my car, and as I emptied the 6-disc CD player in the old car I found an audio CD of Brene Brown’s “The Power of Vulnerability.” I love this book but knew it wasn’t mine. Sure enough, the handwriting was the OW’s (I could compare from a gagworthy note she sent my son). I have a REALLY hard time throwing away something that belongs somewhere, but it felt pretty good to chuck something of hers into the garbage. (Also, that book did exactly jack shit for either of them.)

    One thing I did give back to him were all the notes, cards, love letters, and pictures he had sent me over the course of our decade together. (Well actually, he’d sent them over the first two years and then lost interest, I guess. Not much from our last 8 years.) They meant a lot to me at the time, so I had a hard time throwing them away. But I didn’t want them in my space, so I gave them to ex. He can do the dirty work of throwing them in the trash for me. Or, more likely, he can put it all in his box of sentimental shit, and the OW can dig through it one of these days when he’s checked out and she feels like she’s losing her mind, and she’ll see that he fed me all the same crap he fed her, and that he lied to her about how little he ever cared for me.

    • This is enlightening!

      I had to look up the book. EW got into those books during her affair with your EH. She would tell me about them. But as much as she was trying to assure me that these books were helping, I saw that she was taking the wrong lessons from them.

      In other words, she would claim that she was being vulnerable and “authentic” by having an affair–expressing her true weaknesses and desires. It never once crossed her mind that you can’t be authentic if you’re lying to everyone, most importantly your spouse…nor that you aren’t being “vulnerable” if you’re demanding the cake of both a spouse and a lover. True authenticity and vulnerability would entail honestly initiating divorce and then dating other single people. But that’s too hard for someone with as little character and independence as my EW.

      Interestingly, she also sent me old notes/cards/letters during our divorce. I had left all that shit behind in our home when I left her, so she occasionally sent them to me (or snuck them into boxes of my belongings that I’d stop by to pick up), to “remind” me how much we loved one another and to ask for yet another chance.

      Each time I received one of these tokens of the past, I purposefully went to the basement of my shitty apartment building and threw them in the trash. Even my dumpy get-back-on-your-feet studio, with the drug addicts sleeping on the sidewalks five stories below, was too good to be tainted by her sad attempts at continued manipulation.

      Their contrived “relationship” will crumble. It’s a matter of when, not if.

      • Amazing how they can twist things to fit their desired narrative. It boggles the mind that after reading the book and hearing Brene Brown’a TED talk (you should look it up) that the thing she got out of it was that she should go have an affair. That’s not vulnerability, that’s allowability. She simply allowed herself to do away with impulse control and indulge her personal wants and desires despite the mountain of potential consequences that eventually rained down on a whole lot of innocent people. Vulnerability does not mean saying yes to everything, nor does it mean abandoning boundaries. It means being real even when it’s hard, and ESPECIALLY when it’s hard. As you said, she did the opposite by lying, covering her tracks, and being a dirty cheat. That is the opposite of being vulnerable.

        Interesting that she gave you old love letters and notes with the intent to manipulate and draw you back in. I gave my stack as a clear message in the opposite direction, meaning that I was so done I was getting rid of stuff he knew mattered to me. (And also because I wanted him to bear the emotional burden of trashing them instead of me.) Good call to throw yours in the garbage. The rankness of your description seems fitting.

        Speaking of “stuff,” my ex kept our (really my) cat and refused to give her to me even when he knew our son desperately wanted a cat. (Note: Cat does not equal “stuff.”) I presume OW liked her and wanted to keep her. We got into a fight about it, but I had too much going on to fall on my sword over it. Fast forward two years and sweet kitty passed away a few weeks ago. He at least let me say goodbye on FaceTime, which might seem silly but meant a lot to me because I never got to say goodbye when I left the morning after D-day. Today when he picked up our son, he left me a keepsake of her paw print with her name on it. I thought it was thoughtful at first, and when I texted a simple thank you, he responded that “we thought you would like the paw print to remember her by.” So he kept my cat and instead sent me a paw impression of my dead cat, and then had the nerve to say it was from both of them? This reminds me of a weird version of the brownie tray from a few days back. These people are nuts.

  • I knew I had to leave my home of 20 years because there was no way I could live there with the stench of betrayal hanging in the air. So I let him buy me out of my half of the house, and with the money was able to put a down payment on my sweet little Craftsman bungalow. It’s less than half the size of the house I was living in with CheaterX, and I absolutely love it. And it’s All Mine.

  • My cheater told me he was having an affair on my daughter’s birthday last August, told me on my birthday in September that he was leaving me, and filed for divorce on the 10th anniversary of the day we laid our son to rest on March 8.

    When he told our girls on September 18 that he was moving out, but that it would be “slowly and not too fast” I guess in an attempt to ease it for them, I told him that would not happen, he was getting his shit out immediately and to rent a fucking truck. (He spent our 11th anniversary cleaning his shit out of my garage…the house was mine when we got married.) I had packed his clothes that weekend, marring only one of his garments. I took the tuxedo shirt he wore when we got married and shredded it with a knife he made me ( a really nice one…carbon steel, bone handle) and wrote “FUCKER” across the back of the shoulders. And then I folded it neatly into the bottom of his bag with his other shit.

    After the initial major purge of getting his crap out, I got a box and tossed in any mementos left behind. I went through all the cards that were given to us when our son died and separated them into piles of “from his people, from my people” and gave him his and a few other things that I was content to part with, and I kept the rest (the only thing I really wanted in the divorce, were the grave plots we bought…the one where my son is resting….and the one beside it. I wouldn’t give him a divorce until I got them…and he finally let me have them.)

    On the morning of our divorce hearing at the end of March, I took the box that I spent from October to then putting all remaining mementos in, and I dropped it in front of his back door. It had all the letters he wrote me while he was deployed, the beautiful knife he made me, the amethyst earrings he gave me, thanking me for birthing the son we lost, and every shred of his existence in my life and home. I kept back the wedding photo album and the wedding photo. I’m not ready to part with those yet, but I’m open to getting there if I want to. Everything else is gone and I do not regret getting rid of any of it.

    • Sunflower, it’s quite possible your ex is a narc/sociopath. They purposely deliver bad news on important and special days to make you hurt even more and from now on those dates are tarnished unless you do something to make that date happy again. What he did was evil and intentional. I’m so sorry about you losing your son. It’s good you were able to keep the plot next to him. ((HUGS)) to you.

      • I hadn’t thought of that. It’s an interesting theory. I never thought him a sociopath, but he’s so far beyond what I believed him to be that I wouldn’t be surprised.

        Everyday, he reveals himself to be farther and farther from the man I thought he was. Dry little surprises me anymore.

  • I take a different approach to MY stuff. I haven’t gotten rid of much, and that’s because fuckwit would love nothing more than to use my buying new things as evidence of his victim status. Kind of like the “fuck you” car I bought after he used 400 K from the stock accounts to PAY CASH FOR HIS HOUSE. He played the “oh I’m the victim; look she’s spending all of my money on luxury vehicles, she’s just a gold digger!” Do you think onlookers can see his house is paid off? Nope, but they can see the fancy new car I drive, (which btw with the trade in came to exactly $29,000… a far cry from 400k) which he uses to promote his victim status. Oh, and let’s not forget the vehicle he’s driven for years is the same price as my new car!

    I keep my things because … FUCK HIM! I’ve given up enough of my life to this fuckwit, I’m not giving up one more goddam thing because he thinks I should. He took very little in the way of furnishings (of course he bought ALL NEW things), but what he did ask for were a few key antique furniture pieces he knew I loved. You know what? I gave it to him, because my kids also know I love those pieces, and when they are with him, they have a reminder of me! I’m pretty sure he did it out of spite… so right back at ya buddy! I’m not making one more thing in my life about him. I reclaimed those things as MINE… because FUCK HIM! The memories attached to them are as dead as our marriage!

    PS… of course he’s telling me I need to sell this house… convenient when his house is paid for, but the family home our kids grew up in is not! We are still in the divorce process and I’m not doing one damn thing he suggests.

  • Just before I moved, I went through all the pictures I had (not the kid albums- those I left intact to give to the kids someday), but all the other loose or in family albums – any pictures that it was just him and the kids or just him or his side of the family, artwork that had never been framed, we had bought together on a trip, etc. I put them all in a grocery bag and shipped it to him – no note needed. It made me feel better that his energy was not in MY house.

    And one thing I noticed while going through the pictures, how many pictures I took of him, and how he hardly took any of me.

    • Ding, ding, ding… Yup, going through the pictures I realized how at the end their were very few of me the last five years. The year before our separation I tried to find a picture of me for our holiday card. There was ONE picture of me from our trip to Australia.
      definitely a sign as to how checked out he was. He liked “art” shots of flowers and doorways. Now I realize it was a ploy to not take pictures of me (as was his instance on homemade meals which took 3-4 hours to prepare). Kept him from interacting with me.

    • He never took a picture of me. EVER. My mom would get so frustrated of all the pictures I would have of him and the kids but none had me in it. In fact, the ex would complain when I took any pictures at all. I even sent out Christmas cards one year with him, the kids, the dog, and the cat. I had so many people ask me why I wasn’t in the damn thing. I always chuckled it off and said I was the one behind the camera.

      When I found out he was pursuing another Schmoopie, he would be out on his Saturday night dates under the guise of watching the big game while I stayed home getting my ducks in a row. The first thing I did was go through the house and gather all of my pictures, load them in my car, then take them to my moms. I don’t feel one bit guilty about that, especially since he didn’t even notice and hasn’t asked for a single one since he moved out over a year ago.

      • Oh my goodness. My STBX was EXACTLY the same. You would think I didn’t exist if you looked at all out family pictures. He hated when I took pics – looking back I feel sure it was the GUILT of a serial cheater ….who knows , who cares. He will never get all my family pics because I took them all and Tey are now in my sisters attic….just need to work on getting all the digital ones to one place & they too will be mine. He never took one. Never wanted a “family pic”. Never had a single family pic at his workplace – no wonder. Never wore a wedding ring either …… irritated his eczema you know! History…..not my circus not my monkey…..

  • For someone who couldn’t wait to get the fuck away from me, it took the X about 5 trips to get his stuff out of my house, this spaced out over 4 months. I think he wanted me to see him, wanted me to be anxious with him around my house. Each time I’d move whatever he wanted out onto the back porch so he couldn’t come in, and then I’d leave. Each time he was like, “Why did you leave?” I didn’t want to look at his stupid face.

    Finally when said he had everything, he texted me and said, “OK – That’s it. You can keep or throw out whatever I left behind.” So I did, I threw out almost everything. I knew he left this stuff as a ploy to come over again. Sure enough, a couple weeks later, he texts me wanting to come over to get more of his shit and I told him it was gone. I said, What?! You said keep or throw out. Boo fucking hoo.” He was soooo pissed.

    Also, the stuff I didn’t throw out I decided to burn; Old family photos, his personal papers, some of his military crap. I would make a drink, get the lawn chair out and watch it burn. Ahhhhh . . . . satisfying.

  • I piled it all at the street for my town’s bulk pick-up day. It was a BIG pile. It made me happy to see stranger come and take his stuff and then what was left go into the garbage truck.

  • We lugged his mother’s old dining room set from the 60’s from house to house our entire 25 year married life. When I decided to divorce him I told him that he either needed to come get that ugly shit or I was sending it to Salvation Army. His mother had a fit – she wanted it back, it was precious! She told him he needed to rent a temperature controlled storage unit to store her beloved dining room set. Since I was the one who always handled such things, it never happened. I gave them a month to sort it out. They didn’t. Salvation Army came and hauled that ugly shit away. I smiled every time I walked past my blissfully empty dining room.

    That felt so good I decided to up my game. The marital bed went to Salvation Army too. New headboard, new mattress, the works! Then I packed up all the crap he left behind when he moved out and put it in a pile in the garage. Not in boxes, mind you, just thrown into a big pile. ALL the stuff he expected me to deal with mingled in with the few things he wanted but overlooked when he moved out. He rented a uhaul and came and picked it up. I watched out of an upstairs window and giggled while he trudged up and down the driveway carrying a whole bunch of crap he had hoped never to see again.

    I leveled up again. Found a much smaller house on a bigger lot (I have six dogs, I need a big yard), and started going through my house room by room and cut down my possessions by about 3/4. Found a wonderful realtor who had his own maintenance crew (he does property management too) and had them haul out all the stuff I no longer wanted or needed. I sold the marital home to a sweet young family who will fill it with fresh memories and moved to my own lovely little house where everything in it is something that I love or need or both, the walls are painted the colors I chose, and there are no bad memories anywhere.

    • Love the dining room handling! I also had a formal from the inlaws and had I kept the house would have done exactly what you did. It’s funny how much relief comes from getting rid of or walking away from all the crap they had.

    • Beth,
      I love your post, full of much deserved victory.
      You are indeed Mighty.
      Your strength is inspiring!

      Xxxx

  • His stuff has been a huge source of contention. Since he is an autobody guy, he had tons of tools, paint supplies, etc, both in my garage and my basement. Throwing it away or giving it away was not an option because holy hell would rain down on me and quite frankly, I imagine he would do something horrific to me if I’d done anything.

    He left at the end of January. That crap is STILL in my garage and basement. Finally, after his multiple promises to get it out, I had my lawyer send him a letter telling him he had 10 days to get it out or he’d be in contempt of court. I got the house in the divorce, so it’s my property.

    The next morning, he called me at 4:30 freakin’ a.m. I was livid. I did not answer, though, and he left me a voicemail that said to be patient, that he was going to get everything out this weekend. And when I got to work, I found an email from him that he’d sent before he called. AT 4:30 A.M.. Fucker. He also told me that I would not get the quiclaim deed to the house until he got all his stuff out and not before.

    So he is supposed to get everything out Saturday. If he doesn’t, I’m hauling his ass to court.

    Here’s the thing: this guy is a workaholic. He could have gotten all this stuff out MONTHS ago. He chose not to. So I am only left to think that 1) he wanted to keep it at my house in order to maintain contact; 2) he used it as a way to push my buttons and to fuck with my head.

    Tomorrow when he comes over (if! He’s promised before!), I plan to go complete grey rock. I will not get emotional, I will not look like a sad sack, I will sit and work on my writing or clean house or hell, maybe even bake cookies, and act like my life is completely calm and peaceful without him – and that is actually true. It is VERY calm and peaceful. The only issues I have now are when he contacts me. But I want him to KNOW that I am just fine without him, have lost 20 pounds and feel better health-wise, and that I am a strong, capable, resilient woman who DOES NOT NEED HIS SHIT, both figuratively and literally.

    • Hear ya Keepin’
      my cheaters stuff is still in MY garage since January
      Been charging rent on it tho!

      • Good for you!!! Unfortunately, the ex already owes me a ton of money. Actually, I think I just might add $60 a month to his bill for rent!

  • I kept the house– I wanted it, and I sunk my heart into it when it was renovated.
    As agreed, ex moved out when I was at work. He took most of the things we agreed upon, though complained to a friend I had him take the “old crappy” stuff. Um, no, and he could have disagreed with my suggestions and said something, yes, I kept some of the newer custom items bought for that space. Etc. he took a vase which was a gift to me from my aunt. I think he mistakenly thought it was a wedding gift.
    Didn’t take the photo albums. I went through them and gave him all single pictures of him, well as pics with him and the kid.
    I gave him the albums for six weeks to make copies of the various kid pictures, but I do not think he ever got it done,

    Most of the things in the house were things I wanted, so I did not change much. I painted the loft/office, and I got a new mattress.
    I saved money and refinanced the house, and two years later I finally renovated the ugly 1980s kitchen.
    This past spring I also bought a new couch. I am slowly looking for an affordable/suitable chair. Once I do that, the living room will be all me– all furniture or decor that I picked out pre and post divorce.

    Sometimes I think it would have been nice to change things drastically, but my daughter does horribly with change. That would have been too much for her. So I make small changes, such as finding a set of old Dodger Stadium seats to use in the entryway. Little character things which my ex never saw the value in,

  • I moved. Left that place like it was actually on fire. I bought new furniture, new everything pretty much. I only brought my clothes, shoes, laptop and a couple of pieces of art work that my mom gave me and a few pictures of the kids without him.

    Much easier to go no contact without all the crap memories staring me in the face.

  • Everything associated with our marital bed is *g o n e *. Mattress, headboard, expensive 700 count sheets, and cal-king comforter. All left behind or donated. It felt great.

  • I piled up all of his stuff that he was entitled to by the divorce agreement and made him take it with him when he left. The things he left, I made him put in writing that he didn’t want (proof, folks). Once he was gone, all of his stuff went into the trash or was donated to Goodwill. I burnt a few things just for the heck of it. I have yet to go through our photos but I have a plan. I’ll sort all of those out with him in them and offer them to my kids, if they don’t want them they can do what they like with them. (He, of course, has asked that I scan copies of all of them to him after our daughter told him that she wouldn’t steal them from the house for him). I haven’t quite gotten to that project (the scanner he left me is dead). I know there is still stuff in the attic that belongs to him. It is all going into the trash. Oh, and I bought a new mattress and box springs after he left – king sized and I only share it with the dog. The house has been signed over to me and I’m getting it ready to sell, not because of bad memories, he was never there long enough to create good or bad memories in this house, but because we never needed a house this large and I don’t like cleaning it.

  • First, I emptied all of his drawers and his side of the closet. Boxed it all up and left it by the front door. I ordered a new mattress, bedding and window coverings. Then I painted my bedroom. It immediately felt so much lighter. Then I removed all of the pictures of him, his family and threw them away or left them for him in a bag with his mail. It was so empowering to make the space my own…cleared all the bad energy.

  • Bless this post. With my ex, he had his self-appointed time to go through the house and get all his stuff out. Anything he happened to leave behind is not my problem, though of course he scoured pretty much as well as he could, and took some things that were NOT his. When I found a family heirloom of his, months after he had moved out, I remembered him saying how important it was to him at some point, and how he inherited it when his father died. Chucked that sucker right in the garbage can. ?

  • I bought him out of the house and stayed (I really love it, plus it was the best option financially). However, the day I managed to kick his miserable butt out, I made him take his crap with him. I agreed to store a few large items in the garage for 3 weeks while he arranged storage for them (in the end, this was his drug-addict sister’s shed!) then starting dealing with the rest.

    I made three piles: very useful (it stayed), useless (bin!) or “I don’t want it”. Aside from a few teddy bears (don’t judge me, I love them!) and some practical winter clothing, I have either binned, donated or sold everything he ever bought me. I made nearly £1500 on eBay, and a couple of local charities did very well too. I’ve repainted half the house, changed most of the soft furnishings and really made it my own now.

    Funny thing though: I lugged our king size mattress out to the garage (no mean feat, as I’m tiny) – it was November, and I had to drag it across a very wet, muddy lawn (my new mattress is fab). When he arrived to pick up his remaining rubbish from the garage 3 weeks later, he offered to take the mattress to the dump for me. I refused at first, but he was VERY insistent. Then I remembered – he had complained when he was leaving that the mattress in the flat he was going to rent looked really horrible, and he planned to replace it. So I helped him put it in the van (shame I dropped it in the mud again in the process!). Maybe he was being helpful and it did go to the dump, but the thought of him and her sleeping on that damp, probably bug-infested mattress always makes me smile! ?

  • After divorce and sale of house to X, I moved out to an apartment with my clothes and personal things my kids had given me over the years. Nothing else. No dishes, art, furniture, pictures. I started over completely. Now I have my dishes, furniture, etc. No reminders of that life other than kids and their pictures. It’s what works for me. I needed a completely new start. It was expensive and draining but in the long-term worth every bit of it. I purposely left any cards or gifts X had ever given me behind. Cards and notes laying on my closet floor where I unpacked them from a dresser I saved them in. All outside things were left in the shed. New life underway now!

  • I kept my house. I’m redecorating, remodeling, landscaping and doing everything we’d planned to do for 6 years in that house but never did. And with each change I feel more empowered. My mother worried that I’d be bouncing off the walls alone in that place, but I’m having people over and enjoying every minute of making it a lively home, where I can have dinner parties, play music, etc. now that the negative-party-pooper is gone. Last night my friend and I decorated my newly cleaned up patio, BBQ’d and ate on the furniture it took 6 years to buy, and finally used the solar light and patio umbrella candle holder-thing (wraps around the umbrella) my mother gave me as house-warming gifts 6 years ago. “Bob” didn’t like to sit outside, so these things were never a priority to him. I LOVE it, and I’m basking in every moment of making this house a home. Who needs a “BOB”? I sure don’t.

  • I also kept the house in the divorce. I didn’t want my daughter to be uprooted, so I stayed even though Mr. Wonderful took his loser here to f*ck. I guess I decided that it was MY home and I wasn’t going to let those two interlopers ruin it for me. It’s a lovely home, in a great area and my neighbours are really nice. I did renovate it though and made it nicer for myself. I bought new furniture and art work. It’s nice again and I’m very happy with the work I’ve put in. Maybe when my daughter is in college I’ll move, but for now it’s very comfortable, and it’s all mine.

    As for his shit, he took very little of anything that mattered. I wasn’t attached to anything that he wanted so I let him have it, and it helped to get rid of him very quickly. Anything he didn’t collect when he moved out was fair game to throw out so I did. Interestingly he never took any of the sentimental items his grandparents gave him. Nor surprised, he had no attachment to anything.

    I was determined to make this home beautiful again and safe again. I’ve done that. He was a dark stain on this place and I’ve done well in removing it from the home and my life.

  • I too kept my house (going to be final this week yeay!)
    It seems to me there are a few things that play a factor in this situation;
    One is whether the Cheater had any emotional investment or effort in
    creating a home space (mine didnt much); A second factor is how
    much/little you value items. Most everything that my cheater (and his family who were cruel)
    left behind I had no problem chucking or keeping (If I liked it).
    The only thing I havent dealt with yet is the wedding album. I am feeling like
    I might want to look back one day to see that moment in my life… so shelving that for now.
    Lots of Hugs and Coffee to you all!

  • I truly never considered moving after x was gone. I bought my house with my first husband so it was mine. I spent a good deal of time finding exactly what I wanted then.

    I know for a certain fact the whore was never in my house, I guess it’s a different story for those whose cheaters brought the fuck fest home. I have “nosy” neighbors so I would know. Plus, her actually being in my house would expose his lies about how lazy and nasty I am.

    If there were any bad memories here, they would probably be associated with first husband cause he was a drunkard and abusive and every single inch of my house would be a bad memory due to him. Don’t know how but he took all those bad memories when he left. So I knew memories of cheater would be gone too.

    Most memories of cheater are associated with places outside my house so moving wouldn’t solve that. The housing market has gotten very tight here the last few years and I would give up a lot if I wanted to stay in my hometown neighborhood, which I do. I also would not want to move my child from her excellent school, friends, etc. Bye bye cheater. Out of sight, out of mind.

    • Same for me. The house is mine. My 1st husband was abusive and I married the cheater after that.

      After everything cheater has put me through, I’d have to say the abuser was still a better man. Never thought I’d say that!

      In the meantime, I’m done getting married, because I seem to be an asshole magnet.

      • “asshole magnet”- I just got this hilarious mental picture of a person standing on the sidewalk of a street busy with pedestrian traffic. She has 7 or 8 very surprised people bent over and stuck to her, butt first.

        Hope you don’t mind that I chuckled.

  • I made Big Chief Dumb Fuck take all the furniture except my girls’ bedroom stuff: living room, dining room, and most especially the master bedroom since God knows who had been doing the horizontal mambo on my sheets. The night after the moving truck hauled it all away, I started obsessively cleaning, starting with the master bedroom – bleach, TSP, sanding woodwork, painting ceiling and walls, sanding and refinishing the floors. I’d start sanding varnish off window frames as soon as I woke up every morning. Pulled everything out of the kitchen cupboards, and dumped all the stupid coffee mugs and bar glasses he’d collected for decades. Even tossed all the dishes and bought new at IKEA.

    We watched television in lawn chairs in the living room until I could afford to buy new furniture. I slept on an air mattress in the basement before I found a fabulous new bedroom set on Craigslist. And I kept purging EVERYTHING he had ever touched.

    If it belonged to him, like golf clubs and his childhood stuff, I’d send him an email the night before trash night, telling him a box of his shit was on the curb for pick up ASAP. And if he couldn’t be bothered to pick it up, well, it was picked up with the trash the next morning. Hell, his last Twatwaffle decided to make him ask for the collection of Dept 56 Christmas houses on the sixth iteration of the divorce paperwork drafting, and I damn well made him come over to pick them up in a blizzard if he wanted them!

    And when the entire house had been re-painted and re-furnished, and the divorce had been finalized, I sold the damn thing at a very hefty profit and moved into a spiffy new house with my lovely new husband. The very best revenge on an asshole is living very, very well. Happiness and peace is my gift from karma.

  • Given the false criminal charges against me, I was forced to leave with no notice and ex then had an illegal garage sale of my things to pay for attorney #2. When I got the house she lefts massive amounts of sentimental things of no value while illegally taking other things with no rhyme or reason. 3 years later, I am finally able to start going thru the storage rooms where I just shoved everything to give them to charity. One weekend at a time.

  • Ok….I’m on the other side of this equation. My Ex got me evicted out of our home to move in his whore. And he kept all my “stuff” he fought me for all the stuff….stuff that was mine…stuff that did have meaning to me.
    He and his whore used my “Christmas Stuff” to decorate with. So imagine how that felt to me. It was another knife in the back. Another wound to lick. Because they have had fun holding onto my stuff for 5 years while I had to go thru the Courts to get anything of mine of the last 20 years. Basically my Frosty and Santa collection were held hostage. Ya know….Christmas with the Kranks….Free Frosty.
    It still hurt. It still was a shit sandwhich.
    I refuse to read the comments here because what you all did to the cheaters stuff… My Ex and his whore did to mine. And it wasn’t right. Nor fair…nor how splitting adults SHOULD behave.
    I spent a lot of money to get what was rightfully mine, grandma’s dresser and my dad’s desk. Only to get broken, moldy damaged items.
    It may be “Stuff”….
    But it was what I used to make a home, decorate for Christmas, build a life. And like that life….it was shit on.

    • I’m very sorry that happened to you, Tracy. That really sucks. I didn’t destroy or keep anything belonging to the ex, we had a peaceful exchange in that regard, thankfully.

    • I am sorry that happened to you. It’s astonishing to hear how cruel and heartless people can be.

      I made a point to try to be fair to my ex. Packed stuff up for him. He doesn’t seem to care about the rest of it. Although, I’m sure he would if I threw it away. I plan on giving him a firm deadline with plenty of notice to get the rest out. I can’t be expected to be his storage facility.

    • Tracy, I’m sorry for your pain. What your ex did to you – holding your things hostage is horrible. But it is NOT the same as what we Chumps did. Not at all. We, in our own ways, picked up the pieces of broken lives and made them our own again. Either through buying new, repurposing the old or whatever. Everything that was done by Chumps was done in response to pain not to cause it. That’s the difference.
      Again, I’m sorry for your pain but to say that we are no different from the cheaters is just wrong.

    • The only thing of his I destroyed was his shirt that we got married in. Otherwise, we each took what we came with and split whatever else we shared amicably.

      I think most people here either left all the shit behind, or they got rid of it after ample time for their cheaters to get it themselves.

      I’m sorry that happened to you and I’m sorry those creeps take pleasure in twisting the knife. It’s not about you…. it’s about their gross lack of ethical character and decency.

      You are a kind person and a good person. They are dicks. One day, you’ll get to meh.

  • New here, and have to say I love this site! I will introduce myself a bit more later. I threw my alcoholic cheating couch slug (if he was not messing with his porcine co-worker or drinking mass quantities of vodka, all he did was sleep on the couch where he passed out) a little over a month ago. Once I threw him out, I was nice enough to ask if I could get him any of his stuff to him at his mother’s house (mostly because I did not want it here), his standard reply was “I will just buy what I need.” I figure this is a set up either way….he is going to claim I refused to give him his stuff causing him financial distress (it wouldn’t), or he really thinks I will forgive him and let him back into my home and his stuff will be here waiting for his return. My solution is that since his mother provides childcare for our daughter, I bring a bag, box, suitcase, or whatever of it each morning over there. This pisses them all off, because she (his mother) doesn’t want it since there is not room at her house. He has to go through it or throw it out himself. Unfortunately I have to go through it and pack it, but I am getting his shit outta here one box at a time! I have found some interesting info just in case he wants to balk on the no fault divorce (irreconcilable differences)…..I can go with “habitual drunkenness” because of what I have found here. I have also found important financial documents, so the annoyance of packing his crap has had some rewards. Anything left in my house after the divorce is final will go to Goodwill or anyone that I know that wants it. Good riddance couch slug and your slimy trail of destruction!

    • Mine was a couch slug too….lol…what an apt name …..wish I would have thought to drop his crap off at his mother’s house though

  • After a year of openly dating while still living in our home, X finally moved out under a court “suggestion.” I put suggestion in quotes because he was supposed to be out on the first by court order, and even with a month’s notice, he still refused to move until the 9th. Dipshit never scheduled the UHaul van, and was pissed when he couldn’t just call and have one ready on demand.

    He left our basement – his man cave – in a complete shambles. He ripped shit off the walls, left a puddle of goo and slime under the refrigerator that he stowed his booze in, and even left boards with open nails strewn about that had been holding his makeshift sofa/bed together. I needed to rent a dumpster to clean it out. Cheap, indolent and arrogant is a nasty combination, and it was never more evident than when he finally left.

    Assuming he could ignore the court order and just pop back in for things he forgot, he was furious to discover that I changed the locks the next day. So he made our sons take things out of the house he wanted, like kitchenware, towels, etc.. He stole the lawnmower from our garage, leaving me with the secondhand snowblower that never ran.

    I put a No Trespassing order in place, and told our kids that they were not to give their father anything from our home without my permission. When Dad wanted our eleven year old to grab the photo albums and son refused, Dad punished him by not speaking to him for a month. This was over Christmas.

    Just recently, I was cleaning the attic. I came across a box with some of his mementos in it. I was at the point where I thought I would give him the box. Then he pulled another asshole move. He refused to help with a huge copayment for our son’s hospitalization, even though it is expressly written in our court order.

    So all that shit went into the trash.

    That happens a lot to me. Just when I think I can stomach him enough to overlook his cruelty and nastiness, he does something to remind me that I can never, EVER let my guard down.

    • Oh sheesh. He sounds like a flaming fuckwit. Not speaking to his kid for refusing to get stuff for him? That is a new low. I’m glad you put a no trespassing order in place and changed the locks!

      And this?

      “That happens a lot to me. Just when I think I can stomach him enough to overlook his cruelty and nastiness, he does something to remind me that I can never, EVER let my guard down.”

      Yep. Same here. I finally got past it and now I just expect him to be a douchebag – and he usually doesn’t disappoint.

    • You’ve got a court order for the payment.

      Garnish his bank account and/or his pay until that order is satisfied.

      • Easier said than done. It would cost me more to bring him to court.

        The man is a cheap, indolent, arrogant, evil GENIUS.

        • You already have the order, it’s not hard to get a judgement and then execution to garnish his wages/ account. Plus, you could ask for attorney’s fees if they aren’t already provided for in your decree. He’ll have to pay more than if he just pays the bill.

          I’d go for it.
          I used to do this stuff all the time as a debt collector.

  • I donated all the clothes, jewelery, or other items he gave me as gifts. He was a master of lovebombing. So he bought a lot of things for me, whether I needed them or wanted them. I have tossed most of those out and sold them (or plan to sell), including my engagement and wedding ring. They weren’t given from love but in an attempt to control me or cover up and distract me from something shitty he did. And now that I can recognize that certain behavior was linked to his cheating, I can pinpoint several gifts that were given to make me “feel loved” when he was doing the most unloving thing behind my back.

    The plus was that by the time I was done getting rid of the clothes, I needed to go on a shopping trip;)

  • I left the emotionally abusive, cheating nark in the 7-bedroom Northern Virginia behemoth he insisted we buy (for just the two of us – because image!). Couldn’t stand the idea of looking at all that shit or having any of the tainted mess in my new place so I left it for Narkles and his *also married* student-English-teacher girlfriend to enjoy. Let her park her stylish turquoise SUV with classy turquoise leather seats in the driveway so all can see the splendor of their tackiness – fortunately I don’t care anymore.

    It has been a joy to decorate my new place in colors that I like and make it a sanctuary from the sea of disordered toxins I endured for 17 years. No more nark, no more nark-in-laws, no more narky-friends-of-the nark…sweet, sweet relief.

    A small part of me would like to be around to see Karma fully bless the Union of the Special Snowflakes…but maybe she’s already started her work. My lawyer hit the abuser like a Tomahawk cruise missile and made sure Viledemort paid my half and then some.

    45 y/o VDM had to borrow money *from his parents* to buy me out so he has to pay the pointless giant mortgage every month + his parents + spousal support + my settlement + his porn habit + his weed habit + his expensive bike habit + enormous legal fees that got him nothing + the upkeep of their ‘twu luv’ and this amuses me greatly.

    I couldn’t have made it this far without ChumpLady and CN; you all saved my life and got me through without buckling under the pressure of VDM and his dirty (and fruitless) attempts to control the narrative and the legals. This win belongs to all of you as well.

    The divorce is final today, and it’s safe to say Meh has been achieved, albeit on Freedom Friday. I’ll take it.

    • Whooo Hoooo!! I wasn’t exactly elated when my divorce was final. I was actually sad. But it is the fork in the road that leads to ‘meh’. Congratulations on that fork in the road! Meh is just around that corner.

    • Turquoise SUV with turquoise leather interior ? Totally tacky “look at me” ho wagon…

  • I am removing stuff piece by piece. I boxed up everything for him from our bedroom and had the boxes ready for him one day. All pictures (save 2) are removed. I put the family portrait through the shredder. His entire book shelf is boxed up. I had it in the hallway and while dropping off our daughter he noticed it one day. Said he would grab it. Two weeks went by. I put it in the basement. He keeps saying that he is working on getting his other stuff out (poker table, pool table, bookcase, etc). I doubt he is working on it.
    Today I am getting a new fridge. The old one was gross and had a light burned out for 2 YEARS that he never bothered to replace. Poof! Gone!
    If I find something small, I throw it away. He threw enough of my stuff away over the years. Pile of papers? Why go through that? Just throw it all away! That’s how he operated. That should have been a HUGE red flag before we got married. Right after I moved in he threw a pile of papers away that I had sitting on a desk. What was in the pile? Oh, minor stuff need to file for a marriage license, like my birth certificate. For years, random stuff would go missing in the house OR he would never help clean off countertops because he didn’t want to get into trouble.
    He planted a bunch of day lilies all over the back yard. Everywhere. I never could get rid of those things. Every time I dug one up, he would plant it somewhere else. Well this year, I let the deer ear ALL OF THEM!
    Every improvement in our house was done by me with no help from him, so none of it will remind me of him. He wouldn’t paint, put new flooring down…NOTHING. Yet, according to him, every time something in the house broke, I was single handily ruining the house. Honestly, I don’t know why the man bought a house. In 13 years of home ownership, he never maintained or upgraded a single thing.
    So, now I plan to complete the process of making it mine. Little by little. And when I file, I plan on having something in there that he has to have his sh*t out by a certain date or I get to sell it. I am not the keeper of his crap.

    • Oh my goodness, when the Twat moved into his new place he just grabbed a bunch of stuff from the filing cabinet. No rhyme or reason. His dad died very suddenly shortly afterwards and one of our sons was going back to the States with him for the funeral (we live in France). BUT asshole couldn’t find our son’s American passport so he trashed my house looking for it. I knew exactly where it would be if he hadn’t just grabbed a bunch of stuff. Sometime later, he found it up at his place along with MY birth certificate. I swear I almost choked him.

  • Well, one good thing is that I never had to get rid of any of the gifts or jewelry that he gave me. After 25 years, I can’t think of one thing!

  • I have been living with cheater in a long-distance marriage for the past 6 years out of 12 we’ve been together – he decided to move son and I to Canada and “promised to visit frequently and relocate himself in a couple of years after wrapping up business.” He visited 1-2 times a year for a few weeks and never relocated. So everything in my new place is what I bought and how I decorated (with having him and his needs in mind of course).

    DDay1 was January 2016, then he came over for that past summer and we were in the reconciliation mode as I was still believing in unicorns and had not discovered CL then. When son and I went to visit him over the last Christmas (as we usually did), I had already discovered the CL and he went back to his contemptuous and entitled behavior. So I threw whatever he had in my apartment into a suitcase and hand-delivered it across the ocean to the cheater’s place (once a marital home). He of course told everybody right and left that I threw him out of my place. While I was at the marital home for those 2 weeks I cleaned it all from my stuff, donated here and there, and smashed into pieces a few artifacts I had bought from different countries symbolizing our marriage and family. That felt good! I also threw away all the lingerie that reminded me of my life with the cheater. When I got to the wedding albums he caught me and asked to leave everything in its place because “it was his history”. I am sure he still has our wedding pictures displayed in different rooms. And it’s exactly because he DOES NOT CARE. He never “saw” them, he never “believed” in them, he never committed to the marriage. I thought he did. Now I know better, thanks to CL and CN.

    When I came back to Canada I tried to re-arrange the furniture and moved the bed three times in the bedroom, but then…it’s just stuff, you are right, CL. I only have a handmade carpet that his mom presented to us and a few pieces of artsy candle holders here and there. Come to think of it, one set came from one of the suspected OWs. I may get rid of them in the near future. While I got rid of all the pictures of us, I still keep a big poster in our son’s room with pictures of him and his dad on many adventures – I made it for son as he perpetually missed his cheater dad. I keep it for the son, and frankly, it does not bother me. I occasionally prick the “strategic lower body parts” of the cheater with something sharp when I pass by that wall, and it makes me feel good.

    Funny how he never was into pictures, always hated to be photographed, hated my habit of sharing of photos with friends and family and on social media. He came over a couple of weeks ago for his usual summer visit and staying over at his mom’s now and Disney-dadding our son. I have the keys to her place and went in once when no one was home and found out a bunch of pictures he developed and arranged in a modern design of our recent family vacations for our son! WTF! Are you giving him a photo-family? Why are they so stupid!? I ripped a couple of photos where the three of us were together, all smiling happily into the camera, and left the ones with son and him or son and me only. I don’t know if he noticed the missing ones.

    I.don’t.give.a.flying.fuck.
    Thank you, CL and CN!

  • I tossed, donated, or broke basically everything of his I had left or that reminded me of him. The only thing I kept was a lovely handbag he bought for me, because I earned that shit, but I rarely wear it now. Some of the things just became mine over time and I really don’t associate them with him anymore. With my past cheater, one day, at the suggestion of my therapist friend, I put it all in a box and ritualistically threw it in a dumpster. So cleansing! I bought new sheets, redecorated, made it all mine again. Bought girlie things the cheater never would have tolerated. That definitely helped. It takes a bit of voodoo; burned lots of sage and palo santo, candles, tears. But somehow, it’s all converted to being mine now, without anything that really carries his essence.

  • Lovin this assignment!

    Years ago, I was really into scrapbooking. I had made one for each of my son’s, then one for myself, then I started making one for exh#2/The Evil One, but he started commenting negatively about my work, so I tossed it all into a container with my materials and forgot about it.
    Then, about 6 months after he left, he asked me for it. The cover was black leather $50.00 alone for it, so as I was taking out the pages of it, he asked me, “You’re not giving me the cover?” I simply said, “Hell no!” and gave him just the pages I had started with the old pictures I had.
    Also, he had left a couple big boxes of garbage when he was packing up his stuff. I told him to grab those too, and he asked me, “why? They’re just garbage.” I had to tell him that he needed to throw it all away, not me, so he reluctantly threw them in his Shiterado, bitching that he would have to pay his garbage collection extra, oh well.
    I found more old pictures of us, him growing up, and his family, but put them away for DD. Just like EXH1, all of it is tucked away in a box for the kids. If they don’t want them later, they can chuck it.

    _________________________________________________

    Next item: his f*cling cat. The Evil One didn’t take Fluffy when he moved into his slut shack saying that pets weren’t allowed. The cat that HE rescued as a newborn baby, now infestated with fleas still at my house two months later. I told him a couple of times he needed to do something with it, he didn’t, so I put it outside in the ventilated storage room with its food, water, litter box. That following Sunday, when he brought DD back, he looked around for it asking where was his stuff. I told him that I had put it outside in the ventilated storage room. He got pissed, but didn’t collect it either. Two days later he came by to get it, hissing at me stating he couldn’t believe that I had put it outside like “an abandoned child”! I retorted, “just like YOU abandoned us?” He stormed out without another word with his flea bag. I have no idea if he even still has it. Don’t care.

    _________________________________________________________

    Next items: his “bad ju-ju” furniture and t.v. he left behind. Throughout the years we were together, he made several shady deeds which resulted in big money for him, at least big for him. He bought us a table and chairs, t.v., sofa, and computer among other things, leaving them all with me when he left. The computer crashed not long after he left, so it’s dust now; the t.v. is still at my house, I tried to pawn it a while back, but decided to keep it until it does, since it’s worth practically nothing, much like TEO. The table/chairs are currently my puppy’s chew toys, and will probably end up being in a bonfire or donated; and the sofa ended up literally being held up by milk crates and eventually tossed out to the side of the road Christmastime 2015.
    All the other incidentals like utensils, plates, pots, pans, etc. will eventually be replaced.

    _______________________________________________________
    Next item: Christmas crafts, pictures, his “special” ornaments, crap from his parents: all burned in the pit the first Christmas he was gone.
    ____________________________________________________

    Jewelry from him: sold to scrap gold store
    ____________________________________________________

    We moved around a lot when we were together. 13 years together, 8 different rental homes, we weren’t in the house long when he left, so I’m making it mine more and more each day as time goes on. Whatever traces of him left behind 2+years ago have long since been erased.

    Onward and upward!!!

  • Favourite thing that he’s forgotten I still have is the enduring power of attorney document. We haven’t divorced for tax reasons, but have separated legally. I’m pretty sure he’s too dumb to have cancelled it or created anything to replace it, so if he loses mental capacity guess who gets to make decisions about his finances…

  • The Limited wanted nothing from the home. I took his keys and boxed every missmatched, chipped plate and old sheets, blankets and broken furniture and gave it to him.

    I repainted walls and I’m finishing up this summer with my living room. My house is furnished with my mothers early pine furniture and unique items I had purchased over the years.

    At the time he wanted me to move out of my home. Instead I filed for temporary residence to keep them out.

    He was forced to find another rental. Imagine the cost of starting over as he needs a washer/dryer, dehumidifier, lawnmower, and first/last months rent. Rents have increased substantially and at a minimum a decent house starts at 1400 a month. Add to that car payments, annual vacations, alcohol/weed and gambling habits and he’s still nowhere man.

    I burned all his pictures or cut him out if I could. The pictures told a story. The drunk family man, always a drink in hand.

    My home? I share it with my amazing son and granddaughter. I’m saving for retirement and will purchase a car with cash if all goes as planned next summer. Credit card debt, zero.

    The narrating he used was that he couldn’t get anywhere with me. I surely got to a much better place in three years. Loving my freedom.

  • Now this was one of the things I actually enjoyed doing during the divorce. 31 years of accumulated CRAP. My X cowardly plotted and left during a day I was out shopping, When I found out a few days later he had purchased a 5th wheel RV, took what he wanted and abandoned me, I assumed what was left behind was all trash. We lived separately in the house for a year before so he had ample time to collect his treasures.

    In the divorce he had only asked for his personal plaques (narc accomplishments) tools, various sporting goods. I was/wasn’t surprised he didn’t ask for baby pics of our children or other family treasures. So that part was easy, bagged it up for p/u (and included the toilet plunger) in one of the clothes sacks. 😉

    After divorce was granted I changed out all the bedding throughout the house, took down every picture of him or art he liked, shredded his pink slips, insurance policies, grant deed to the house he got, passport, birth certificate, vehicle registration, his baby book (his mom had given it to him) and went through most of our family pics and videos and only gave him a few which were pics of him and his narc parents, NONE of our kids, or family together. He asked me a year later if he could come by and get his “stuff” and I informed him I know longer had it that it had been destroyed. He was livid. I’m no longer his secretary, bookkeepers,, housekeeper, chef. It has been quite pleasurable purging my home of everything he left behind,

    There is no limit to the HELL he put me through for being a faithful spouse. I just wanted to repay the favor in the same manner he did me. He had the balls to tell me “for once in my life, do the right thing” when he needed and wanted some of his crap. It was very freeing to dispose of his stuff and know that his bad JUJU is gone from me forever. He took money from our accounts and ended up financially better off but I have the upper hand and own the house alone. I pray calamity and karma follow him all the rest of his days. No contact with him or his crap…… is awesome. He’s worthless to me,

    FREE at last

  • After I kicked my cheater ex out, she would sneak back into my house and take whatever she fancied.

    I would call her out on it, knowing that she would lie to me and of course she did. I would laugh and tell her that I absolutely knew she was lying, and she would cave-in and admit it.

    Of course she felt she could leave everything in my house for as long as she wanted and have full rights to ask me for stuff at any time.

    So I packed up all of her stuff into banana boxes from the grocery store and labeled each box and stacked them all in an extra room. They were close to 100 boxes of her shit and it looked like the wall from Pink Floyd.

    The day finally came when she said she wanted to bring a moving truck and get all of her stuff, after years. She also asked if she could bring her AP ( my cousin btw) to help her load it. I said sure, bring him if you want to see him get his ass beat. She tried to tell me that he should be allowed to help her because she still owns part of the house. I said sure, it’s still technically an asset that you own part of, but it’s my home where my heart is. I said, go ahead bring him and watch what happens.

    So she showed up alone, and I loaded her truck up in about an hour, because I had all of her shit so completely organized and ready to go.

    She commented that it was incredibly nice of me to do that for her, and that she was a truly horrible wife for what she did. I said ” that’s all true”

    Cheaters SMH, what a bunch of losers

    • You were much too nice to load up the truck for her! But I’m sure it felt good to free your space of her crap.

  • I feel you ChumpDude. I had a variety of things–gifts, items I purchased on trips, and two special geodes that he got us on a date weekend–I burned some of the things.

    The geodes I took on a hike that we never finished together. I made it to the end. By myself. I left them there and said goodbye. It was symbolic for me. It definitely wasn’t the end of his stuff or him, but I said goodbye to a part of it.

  • This is an oddly timely topic, as I seem to be dealing with a resurgent but different bit of “stuff” lately: the ex-friends. It’s been three years, and I moved out of the house, moved away for a bit but came back because I have a really good job here which is professionally rewarding. I’ve since bought a new house, and while I still have some things from pre-Dday, there aren’t many. Photos … I should really do the digital photos at some point, but I have loads and there are other things I’d rather do with my time than delete pix.

    However, in the past two days at work (I’m a veterinarian), two of our ex-friends made appointments with me. I couldn’t fucking believe it. I haven’t seen/spoken to these people for a very long time and while our friendships didn’t “blow up” they did cool off and disappear. So, the first day, I managed to behave professionally and get through the appointment with virtually no personal information shared. But the second day (yesterday), I saw the name of one of XH’s coworkers on my appointment list and thought “HELL NO!” since I’m sure he stood by, watching, while XH cheated on me right under everyone’s noses. So I had the receptionist call and reschedule them to another day. WHY they would want to see me, I have no idea.

    So, to me, the point is that there will be little painful landmines to remind you of the anger and pain and hatred and betrayal around you for a long time, possibly forever, especially if you don’t move out of town. — That having been said, painting the walls is a good start.

  • Moved out into a house sitting gig for the first three months. 1st night bought new sheets that his hairy arse had never touched. 2nd night got new pj’s that his dirty paws had never touched. After house sitting gig, moved into my own teeny tiny apt. Splurged on a full sized bed that perfectly addresses all of MY back issues. New towels. I left his shit in the old house. Currently deleting all pictures of us and anything we’ve done together from all my social media. Coordinating a bonfire event with friends where I’ll be burning all letters/cards from him from over the past 20+ years, any and all photos of him, and my wedding dress. The few clothing items he bought or I’ve worn on date nights with him have all been donated to charity (so far I’ve dropped 40 lbs on the divorce diet). I left all his shit behind and refuse to deal with his belongings. So much for his plans of having me clean up another one of his messes, again.

  • Haven’t had a chance to read the thread yet, but wanted to add a small, satisfying story.

    It’s not what I did with his stuff, it’s what I did with OW#4’s: Took it all to the Goodwill, including that full length leather coat, the commemorative 49ers Super Bowl jacket, all her shirts, pants, etc. all that $hit piled in the back of my old truck. The look on the attendant’s face when I drove up to the drop box with the pickup truck stuffed full of clothes was almost as satisfying as actually giving it all away. At least FreckleDrugWhore wasn’t stooopid enough to ask me where her clothes went. Or maybe she was just so strung out she forgot where she left them. It was hard to tell.

  • I finally reached my divorce agreement two weeks ago.

    Among other things, I got our house and everything in it except for: cheater’s brother’s paintings (which I do not ever want to see again anyways; cheater’s family was not just Switzerland, it was unbelievably cruel to me after 40 years of dedication to my MIL, BILs, SILs, nieces, nephews), an inuit jade carving cheater brought from Canada (I was going to sell it for a couple of bucks) and an ivory carving he brought from Ivory Coast (ibid), it’s of a woman’s bust and reminded me an awful lot of cheater’s latest Flatterfuck.

    Cheater did NOT ask for a single memento of his children, his mother, his childhood photos, travel souvenirs, clothes, furniture, Ramazotti CDs, NOTHING.

    So I put brother’s paintings in garage where dog could pee on them (he did a great job), I wrapped carvings in printouts of Flatterfuck’s ultra-narcisistic facebook pictures with “Souvenir from Great Fucks” and “The Fuck Worth a Family” scribbled over them and crammed them into a moldy duffle bag together with the un-sellable results of a thorough KonMari operation: rusty nails, an old dial phone, used batteries, rusty trolley, floppy disks gathering dust, moth-eaten sweater peed on by my cats, etc., and his worthless-to-me family’s photos. Then I dragged duffle bag over dog’s poop and set it and paintings out for the pick-up.

    Anything else tainted by memories of cheater and worth a penny went to OLX (my equivalent of Market Plaza, eBay; I am making nice wads of cash); the rest went to the guy who picks up recycles with a horse cart in my neighborhood or to charity.

    Ironically, the first thing to leave my house (which I am selling to buy a farm) was my ex-MILs vintage Singer sewing machine with lovely cast iron legs, sold to a cheater and his floosie who are decorating their new love nest.

    I have to say my son was upset about losing some references, but when I asked him to choose what he really wanted, what really “sparked joy” he said “Sell it all, mom”.

    I want to obliterate all memories of cheater and his immediate family. A few nieces and nephews and his cousins remain my friends, they are not part of the power dynamics of my crazy BILs and cheater.

    • Forgot to mention: I am auctioning a valuable painting that I bought, unwittingly for five times its worth, from my Eternally-in-Debt BIL to help him out. To think I trusted this BIL. But even my BILs chumped me, I have several stories.

  • I stayed in the marital house as I had full custody of the kids and was the only one who could afford the house on my own anyway. He carried his affair on in my house and had sex tapes ( which I found) of him and the OW so staying there was HARD.

    So I took a week off from work and I cleared out—every closet, drawer and crevice. EVERYTHING that had to do with him—got packed up and put in the garage in boxes. The linens and towels, I packed them all up in garbage bags and gave them to him on Christmas day. Rebought EVERYTHING. I figured since he was with her on them, and they were in our bathroom, and used our towels, I wanted none of it in my home.

    Then in order for me not to go crazy, I immediately moved the placement of ALL of the furniture in the house. I repainted the rooms. Put down rugs, bought new art for the walls. Bought new planters for outside, redid the garden. I even saved my taxes one year and had the brick steps done over. The house looks like someone else moved in. Slowly one by one over the last 5 years I have replaced most of the marital furniture so I’m not triggered anymore by the space. Most people who come to my home now see how much nicer it looks and In fact, I’m happy to come home to it now.

    • Good for you!

      I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to “see” him and the OW in your house after seeing those tapes. How gross that it all happened right there! But redecorating is totally the way to go about it. I’m glad that you got to keep the house. (As you should! <– This is what everyone says to me, too, when they know my story, and it makes me feel rightly justified.)

      Five years… nice! I'm only at one, and it already feels amazing. 🙂

  • I asked him to leave and that night he took some stuff with him. I told him that he could come back and get his things on MY schedule. He was dragging his feet. When I had the separation agreement written up, I put a deadline to finish collecting his belongings. He got 99% out by that date. The rest, as I come across it gets tossed. One thing I sent off to him. I came across the divorce papers from his first marriage. He had been divorced almost 3 years by the time we started dating. They were an interesting read to see how he told ‘truths’ but twisted for his benefit.

    Anyway… I sent him those and a copy of our divorce papers with a note “Thought you’d like both for your collection. Dark wood frames would look best.” He hated the fact that he was divorced once. It was a real sore spot with him. And he loved to display awards and stuff in our office. So it was my last little dig.

    And then NO CONTACT as best I can. Since we are both from the same area and grew up together, I suspect someday we will be in the same room together again. But I will not give him a second of my time.

    • Oh and fuck him. This is my house. I worked my ass off to design it and get it remodeled. My money paid for it. No way was he getting it or will he make me give it up until I’m ready. I made a pact with myself not to make any life decisions for a year after the separation. I made some crazy decisions after my dad died and I’m treating this as a grieving period.

      After a year, I’ll decide if I’m staying here or not.

  • My ex left an entire workshop of woodworking tools, power and hand tools. Including a couple table saws and a scroll saw owned by his grandfather. What did I do? I sold it all to pay my attorney’s fees! Bye bye and thanks for the infusion of cash when I needed it.

  • I will add to the list to add more factual data that cheaters are, in fact, all the same. They are the same unoriginal and predictable lowlifes.

    After DDay, We agreed on when he could come get his stuff…didn’t want my son to be at home. My sister came over and we put everything in the dining room to limit his time at the house. He requested his clothes, 3 guns, some toiletries and tools in the garage. I threw in some beer mugs and steins and other stupid kitchen gadgets i didn’t want or need and took up space.

    He left al the furniture, pics, linens….everything else. He even left a garage FULL of crap that my parents came over to help me dispose of. My dad kept most of the wood. My cheating neighbor (his wife never would throw him out) was shocked, SHOCKED I TELL YOU, that I was not letting my cheater come back home. Whatever. Douche. I was able to finally get my car in the garage again.

    I threw out all my bedding, painted the master bedroom which helped. I took down all the family photos as well. That was helpful.

    I eventually sold that house. Best thing I ever did. Sold a ton of bedroom furniture and other stuff that I didn’t want to take with me….master bedroom set, guest room furniture, rugs, washer and dryer. it all went and i didn’t offer any of it to him. Used that money to pay my lawyer her retainer and pay off my student loan. Life was already getting better.

    After living with my sister and family for 9 months, I bought a cute little house in a small town. I love it!! My son and I are very happy. I bought all new furniture and a new mattress for my bed. I have landscaped the front with beautiful knockout roses and slowly making it my own.

    Cheater moved from his nasty furnished one-bedroom apartment to the Whore’s rented house then to another one and currently they are living in a 2-bedroom apartment for the month of July. My son has to sleep on the couch when he visits. They are truly shitty people. If they haven’t bought the house SHE is buying (he is still living off other women) then they will move to temporary apartment #2. Anyone want to place a bet on them actually buying the house they are trying to buy? It even comes with a family of raccoons!! (they are so stupid.)

    • I took down every photo and every reminder of him within two days that I kicked him out. He even noted, “It’s so easy to get rid of me.” YEP.

      I let my anger fuel me through it all!

      • Yes to the anger…and repulsion. I found the sight of him totally disgusting after DDay. He lost his luster that day. No more sparkles. None. Zilch. Nada. Zero.

      • Not only did I take down every photo at home , I deleted every photo of him in it…computers, both work and home, facebook…everything. If my kids still didn’t see their dad, they wouldn’t know what he looks like, lol.

      • Mine said the same thing, blameshifting me like I did something bad by removing “any trace of him” when HE was the one who cheated and ran away! I told him he didn’t have the right to act like the victim in the circumstances HE created.

  • The day after x told me he was moving out, I packed into boxes every last thing that was his including gifts he had given me over the course of 18 years. Books, knick knacks, any picture that included him with any of us.

    I just got rid of the last relic that we shared together, the marital bed. Feels so good to go home to a place that is really mine and my girls. Amazing how I don’t miss any of it, and amazed at the mighty person I was to get anything ‘him’ out of our presence.

  • I rolled my cheater’s Harley Davidson to the end of the driveway and left they keys in it. Took a pic and sent it to him. While he was out of state. One way or another it was gone the next morning.

  • I moved into another bedroom (it was my house before the marriage), different bed, bed linens, rugs, etc., as well as a very sunny room.

    Then recarpeted the house, painted rooms, totally redid the garden, got rid of the hot tub.

    Ahhhh.

  • He took only his personal stuff (mostly clutter) and left the mutual things (like furniture) so that the house would be familiar for the kids. It was mostly my taste, so the adjustments were easy.

    Shortly after he left, I replaced a few lights, the bedsheets, and some artwork. I got rid of anything that reminded me of him. I decluttered a lot. Mostly junky things. It was really therapeutic. His parents have given us a lot of odd decorative gifts over the years. Some never saw the light of day, some were actually very nice, and some I displayed out of guilt. So I finally got to throw out those “guilt” items. Seriously, konmari is right! The only things left are the things that *I* love!

    I look around my house now and truly love every inch of it. I’m finally making all those little repairs and touchups I never had time for before. Today, I’m replacing some new ceiling lights, just because I deserve it.

    There are a few things that I reclaimed as mine. For example, the outdoor grill used to be his turf. But I cleaned it until it looked as good as new, and I bought a new cover and new brushes. When I finished, I stood back with pride and said aloud, “I reclaim this!” (The neighbors maybe thought I was crazy.) Now it feels like mine, not his.

    I also replaced the toilet seat that he had installed crooked. It bothered me every time I sat down on it because he did such a half-ass (pun TOTALLY intended) job of installing it. Now the toilet is all mine, and the new toilet seat is aligned. And I no longer have to think of him when I use the loo.

    Very recently, I emptied the china cabinet, which still had our beautiful wedding china on display. I dusted everything off and washed the dishes. Again, I said aloud (this time to the dishes), “I reclaim these.” I put everything back in the cabinet, but stacked this time in a more modern/storage fashion. Now, I actually use those dishes a few times per week. Because why the heck not?? They’re gorgeous! They’re all mine now, and we NEVER used them in all the years we were married.

    He moved out one year ago, and this house is alllllll mine. I’m not reminded of him at all, and it’s wonderful.

  • The Traitor is not a hoarder, he had almost nothing when I met him and left with almost nothing. He didn’t even take his kids’ toys and the stuff the older boys who are adults have left here, and he forgot a couple of framed photos he always claimed meant a lot to him. I left everything where he left it, especially his youngest son’s room, hoping he would come back to visit at least and have his room as he’s always had it. It’s been over a year although I keep asking if he wants to come. The answer was always no through his dad. Since we settled a month ago, POOF, Traitor has vanished. I once again emailed him to ask if the youngest wanted to come down during the school holidays. This time I didn’t even get a reply.
    I don’t know what to do with all this stuff. He’ll be to old to play with any of it now that he’d hit puberty. I can’t bring myself to move it or give it away. Still have his pushbike and everything. He did take the boy’s pricey dirt bike at least which was the boy’s latest Christmas present.
    Traitor left the presents I got him over the years too.
    You’d think I was the one who cheated and betrayed him and all of them while he was looking after my kids, when it was exactly the opposite.
    I think it’s part of the discard to act like I caused all this. He even claims I kicked him out, when in fact he sent me a lawyer’s letter saying he wanted to move off the farm but I was refusing to accept the relationship was over and he had already moved into the woolshed 3 months earlier on the same lawyer’s advice. All my fault apparently, I kicked him out…

  • After he left I told him that I didn’t want to see him again. He would come when I was at work to get things, then find other places to stay at night. I managed to keep him away until I could get packed and moved out. No way could I take care of the monstrous old house I was rattling around in by myself out in the middle of nowhere.

    I packed up 36 years of memories and separated them out which was heartbreaking, by myself. Much of the furniture came from my family and no way was I leaving it because my dad built most of it. It actually felt kind of good to just take what was important to me and leave the closets stuffed. I’d actually been dreading having to go through all the closets since the kids had moved out. Anyway, after two months of living apart, moving day came. It shocked the hell out of me that he texted that he’d like to be there to help with the move. What the hell for? Is that supposed to make him a nice guy? I told him I didn’t want to see his face on the last day I was leaving our family home, which seemed to surprise him for some odd reason. Anyway, I remember telling him that when I could stand to look at our family pictures without sobbing that I’d scan copies for him, to which he said, “don’t worry about it.” Okay, so not important to him. Our family’s history.

    My new place is all my own and I love it. Just the right size for me. No monstrous house to spend hours and hours cleaning. No acreage that takes all weekend to mow.

    One thing I was in a quandary about was what to do with the jewelry he’d given me. I was still sentimentally attached to it. There’s one ring in particular that he gave me that was really beautiful, one of the few times in our marriage I thought, “he really gets me.” Anyway, that jewelry is now hidden away in the event that I hit hard times and I need to sell it for cash. Otherwise I’ll probably pass it on down to my grandchildren.

    I still run across his stuff from time to time. The other day I found a card he’d given to me in which he’d written, “you are a very hard worker.” LOL. I think it was a Valentine’s day card.

  • Still waiting for attny to tell me I can throw his stuff out, but theres a spot in the garage where I’ve put the few things he asked for…and something he did NOT lol. I our frozen wedding cake topper from 25 years ago, took it out and threw it on the bottom of one of the boxes. hee hee. Doesn’t smell too good now that it’s no longer frozen.

  • Prior to the divorce, I sat down and did the hard budget thing. I realized quickly that even with the promotion at work, I’d never be able to afford the house.

    I moved. But because I am kind of a bitch, I took absolutely everything that I had brought with me into the marriage. That meant that the majority of the furniture, all bakeware, all the spices, etc. I left him the plates (I actually have 3 different sets from various family members), any photos of his family, the dinnerware we’d gotten for our marriage, and the furniture he bought. All the rest came with me.

    Under the mattress of the marital bed, I put references to the “Thou shalt not commit adultery” as well as notes in his family Bible about his affair. He never changes the position of the mattress, so he won’t see this until he gets a new bed, at which time the delivery people will know what he does. Yes, I am a bitch. 🙂

    I enjoy not having his stuff around. I still see him in a lot of the family photos, but I figure that he’s got a history with the family. I can’t hide that, and not all of it was horrible, even though it turned out he has the moral backbone of a slug.

  • This is a good one. He took most of the good stuff. He just came and helped himself to our joint assets– the big ones–one at a time disappeared when I left the property for almost a year the stuff just bled away(including some nice pieces of jewelry he gave me which I usually ended up paying for)I was left with not much of value. First I went to Florida and sold everything in our house there-/he asked where was his half(after he was there the week before with schmoopie yucking it up and scandalizing the neighbourhood). I received support and kind words from people I hardly knew down there. I just told him his half would go to the bills he hadn’t paid. Then the cottage up north. Again he just partied it up there with schmoopie and tried to force her on our people up there–leading to them ghosting both of us.–meh. I had to clean it out to get it ready for sale just like the house in Florida.
    His clothes sat in his old truck behind the barn for a year( I’m sure he told schmoopie I destroyed his clothes and she took him shopping for new ones–the poor sad sausage).
    Then I bought him out of our house( funny but the banks don’t want to give someone without an income a mortgage–the wackjob actually thought they would).
    I never felt more mighty than the day 5 months later that I sold MY house for $250000 more than the valuation we both agreed to in our financial settlement –thanks to a crazy real estate market in our area. I now have a new house–a project to be sure but I will feel mighty supervising the work and designing my new space. I got rid of most of my old furniture and will also enjoy finding new gems to add to my new space which is all mine and he and schmoopie(s) have never set foot in it and never will.. YAY!!!