I was in a relationship for 8 years, engaged for less than a year. I didn’t push for a proposal, that was all his decision. Whilst we (read: I) was planning the wedding, he was having an affair with a work colleague — we had booked everything, I had got my dress and booked honeymoon two weeks before D-day.
I’m under the impression this was an exit affair, as he claims to be in love and “they tried to swallow their feelings” — despite actively going to her house the day I was buying my dress!
There’s so many elements of this I’m trying to come to terms with but 1) Why did he let wedding plans get so far? 2) How could she happily be complicit in all this? 3) He claims he had no choice in the matter (falling in love and all that crap), but I’m convinced there’s always a choice? And if he was going to her, he didn’t try hard to avoid the situation, right? 4) I also feel he got off lightly as I didn’t go ape shit and I want his family and friends to know how awful he truly is.
And now they get to skip off into the sunset and I’m back to square one.
Would really love to hear your thoughts on this one.
Confused and Betrayed
I know you’re stinging from this traumatic rejection, but please reframe this. You were just saved from a terrible fate — marriage to a freak.
Oh you’re just calling him names to make me feel better, Chump Lady. The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants! This was a Love Greater Than Them Both!
FREAK. Only freaks raise you to great heights just to let you fall. Only freaks connect so shallowly. Only freaks meet their fuckbuddies while you’re buying your wedding dress.
I know it’s tempting to believe the bullshit rom-com narrative that gosh darn, he was going to commit, but he was powerless against the charms of his co-worker — because then you could avoid the painful realization that you invested eight years in a freak. There’s also the other narrative of He’s Just Immature, Got Cold Feet About The Wedding, and Couldn’t Use His Words So He Let His Cheating Dick Do The Talking For Him…
All of this crap absolves him from personal responsibility for his cruel discard. We’re supposed to believe that the same man who exercised such agency when picking out a ring and crafting a marriage proposal, and booking a honeymoon was suddenly rendered witless by his co-worker. OMG she has the power to make him WALK INTO SUNSETS!
Let’s take this apart.
1) Why did he let wedding plans get so far?
This is an untangling the skein of fuckupedness question. I don’t know the minds of fuckwits. Let’s judge him by his actions — he proposed to you, let you plan a wedding, buy a dress, only to flagrantly cheat on you and discard you at the very moment you were most excited about your future together.
Look CaB, I’m closing in on 16 million views on this site, and I’ve read a LOT of cheater freak stories. One thing stands out — at the moment when two people should be closest, the freak bails.
This goes for happy intimacy — the birth of a child, a job promotion, a milestone anniversary — and it goes for sad intimacy — the death of a parent, a cancer scare, a disability.
When shit gets real, they get fake. Or rather, their fakery is revealed. The shallow cannot hold.
Another observation — some sick fucks get off on the discard.
I don’t know if they do it consciously, but I suspect rejecting someone at their most vulnerable must feel deliciously powerful to the disordered.
Look about the graveyard of broken dreams here at Chump Nation — you avoided a worse fate than canceling a wedding. You avoided further investment in a mirage of a man.
2) How could she happily be complicit in all this?
She’s a freak too.
3) He claims he had no choice in the matter (falling in love and all that crap), but I’m convinced there’s always a choice? And if he was going to her, he didn’t try hard to avoid the situation, right?
Of course he has agency. All this bullshit about not being able to swallow their feelings (WTF? Insert ribald swallowing joke here) is just blameshifting and mindfuckery.
4) I also feel he got off lightly as I didn’t go ape shit and I want his family and friends to know how awful he truly is.
CaB, you have agency too. Please feel free to tell all and sundry the truth about why you called off the wedding — he was cheating with his co-worker. ‘Nuff said.
It’s much better to be on Square One than walking into a sunset with a sociopath. ((Hugs))