I found out last week that my wife has started an affair right under my nose: she comes home one evening saying she is really sorry but did something strange with a work colleague. Of course she says she is all lost and apologetic and would never do anything else, but then two days later comes home and straight away tells me she’s sorry but she started having sex with him in her office and then stopped it. They were just friends and then it happened out of the blue apparently, because she was completely powerless to stop…
Now she is claiming she is lost, but still loves me, needs time to think, but of course won’t stay away from him, and that I will understand someday that it’s actually a good thing for our relationship that she did this, blah, blah, blah.
Of course I have been feeling completely lost and torn apart for the past week. We have been together for 15 years, have two young children and after some tough years learning that one of our sons has an incurable genetic disorder have actually been in what seemed to me like a really healthy marriage where we could talk and get through anything together. I was very happy and even though she is sometimes selfish, I have never seen it at this level before.
But enough context.
Now for my winning contribution to Stupid Shit Cheaters Say.
In the last couple of days she keeps making jokes about it all, and one of her favourite ones that keeps coming up is that she would really like is to see a fight between myself and the other guy like Hugh Grant and the other guy fighting in the fountain in Bridget Jones…
Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse…
Oh yeah, the Why Don’t You Fight For Me? cheater wet dream. Where all the Schoompie/Chump rivals are united in a choreographed pick me dance to the death. She’s MINE! POW! No, she’s MINE!
And the cheater sits on the sidelines giggling with false modesty, Oh my! All this fuss for lil’ ol’ me? Enjoying the spectacle. Happy as a cat in cream.
Of course, there’s no true victor. The cheater’s enjoyment is the fight itself. How bad do you want to give her kibbles? So bad that you’ll drown yourself? Ooh, or someone else?
Let’s take apart the Why Don’t You Fight For Me mendacity some more, shall we?
1.) The cheater actually thinks you should REWARD her for her betrayal, and fight hard for the dubious honor of her ambivalence.
2.) Not “fighting for her” is a pretext for more cheating and blameshifting. Well, she would’ve been faithful, but you didn’t step up and demonstrate how much she meant to you. What with your failure to appear as a gladiator in the Hunger Games.
3.) Notice how in your wife’s fantasy, she’s completely passive. Does she fight for anyone? Does she invest? Does she demonstrate value? No. People just fight for the wonderfulness that is her. Yes, her splendidness is THAT POWERFUL.
George, you have absolutely nothing to work with here. She’s not sorry — she makes “jokes” about destroying you. Her contribution to your healing is to share her offensive Pick Me Dance fantasies. Why are you still there?
Now she is claiming she is lost, but still loves me, needs time to think, but of course won’t stay away from him, and that I will understand someday that it’s actually a good thing for our relationship that she did this,
Uh huh. Cake is a good thing for her uninterrupted kibble supply.
Tell her to go have a nice long think… with her head stuck under that fountain.
Run away, George!