How many times do we write “tip of the iceberg” around here? When faced with a D-Day, chumps never get the full picture. And, fact is, many years out, you realize “the whole truth” is unknowable with a cheater. There are skeletons you will never unearth. Meh is walking away from the shovel.
But I thought it would be a useful exercise — especially valuable to new chumps, or any hopeful reconcilers who dare to wander to this site (Abandon Hopium All Ye Who Enter!) — to write down what you THOUGHT you knew, versus what it actually was.
I’m not talking about a long recitation of your D-Days, or meditations on “trickle truth.” I just want the stark facts — the one-two punch of reality.
What I thought it was:
D-Day — I thought (because I was told) it was an indiscretion with an old-girlfriend before we married. I thought he was sorry, and I was a brave, loving woman who was going to see us through this crisis together.
What it was:
Serial cheating throughout three marriages. He’d never had a faithful day since I met him. The OW was not a one-off — she was a long-term OW, dating back to his FIRST marriage. (Yeah, a 20 year affair, at that point…) And they had a kid. And she wasn’t the only OW by a long shot. Dude was a pathological liar, a personality disorder, a total fraud.
Boy, this is a cheery exercise! But the point is, newbies — be skeptical in those early days. You rarely have the whole picture. ICEBERG AHEAD!