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Chump Lady Is Coming to Australia!

Hey, I’m coming to the Land Down Under! To give a masterclass on chumpdom to mental health professionals — and chumps! — and you’re ALL INVITED!

Check it out! https://zhuchi.com.au/products/chump-lady-in-oz-leave-a-cheater-gain-a-life

An excerpt from ZHUCHI below:

  • This one-day, enlightening and entertaining class is an absolute MUST for anyone who works with couples and individuals impacted by infidelity.
  • It is also an absolute MUST for anyone in a relationship impacted by infidelity – yesterday, today or tomorrow.

Session 1: Intro to the Chump Experience – how Tracy came to do this and why she thinks it’s needed.

Session 2: The Reconciliation Industrial Complex – debunking the common Infidelity and Reconciliation narratives and why they are so damaging and often, nonsensical. Myth busting monogamy and evolution arguments for infidelity.

Session 3: What the mental health and counselling profession could do differently – Therapeutic models that allow for character disorder; Empower and rebuild: collated from the feedback of thousands.

Session 4: Gain a Life — book reading, Q&A, debate.

Discounts available for groups of 3+ people and not for profit organisations.

Please note, CHUMP LADY has asked that a donation to a local Domestic Violence refuge receive a donation in lieu of her being paid to present.

The context

Infidelity is as constant as death and taxes and that is a fact. As a consequence, betrayed partners are a demographic that sadly regenerates itself day-by-day and will be with us always. When the internet and social media arrived, so did a multitude of avenues for infidelity – taking it way beyond the traditional dominion of the workplace or social circle.

According to Bloomberg Businessweek:

“It’s not easy to get a handle on the size of the fling economy. The Internet dating market is worth $1 billion to $1.5 billion in the U.S., according to industry website Online Dating Insider, and some portion of that, from 10 percent to 30 percent, depending on whom you ask, involves people who are already in relationships.”

All those millions of members (“in a relationship/it’s complicated…”) have partners. All those millions spent came from shared marital assets – household budget, inheritance, or retirement accounts. All that popularity has untold costs – legions of betrayed partners being created every day.

In addition to the technological ease with which you can have an affair (Ashley Madison alone claims 22 million members worldwide), the popularity of literature touting the unnaturalness of monogamy continues to grow and feed the illicit beast.

Finally, a growing culture of self obsession and narcissist chic e.g. edgy articles exulting the virtues of being a mistress and online forums on how to cheat and get away with it.

These form a trifecta punch that emphasises the fabulous at the expense of the betrayed.

It sucks.

What help is available after infidelity?

  • An outdated therapy model that works from “I’m okay, you’re okay, we all brought issues to the marriage.”
  • An outdated therapy model that doesn’t recognise personality or character disorders as they relate to infidelity.
  • A culture or religious tradition that disapproves of divorce under any circumstance.
  • A cultural or therapy bias that promotes “saving marriages” at any cost, whatever the state of that marriage.
  • A predatory online community of “therapists” who will sell you tools to “affair proof” your marriage or save it single-handedly. (Mort Fertel, Michele Weiner-Davis, Andrew Marshall). Who also believe that you should court back your cheater with gifts (Fertel, Marshall, and others) and “make the marriage a good place to be” (Weiner-Davis) after discovery.
  • Large online infidelity forums predicated on reconciliation (Talk About Marriage, Surviving Infidelity, Marriage Builders, Beyond Affairs Network).
  • Infidelity Reconciliation Literature written mostly by therapists, that work from the assumption that reconciliation is the default and desired outcome. They divide along the lines of how much fault for the affair(s) they lay on the betrayed partner and the “unmet needs” in the marriage.
  • Infidelity Reconciliation Literature, written mostly by therapists, that take a sad sausage approach to cheaters and focus on what “compelled” them to cheat, and ask if their partner is measuring up (e.g. After the Affair by Janis A. Spring; When Good People Have Affairs by Mira Kirshenbaum; I Love You, But I Don’t Trust You also by Mira Kirshenbaum; My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me by Anne Bercht.
  • Other popular titles lay the blame for infidelity on the unnaturalness of monogamy: The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs, by Peggy Vaughan; Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel; The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating by Eric Anderson

It truly SUCKS.

 

CHUMP LADY: A Fresh Voice, an Important Message

CHUMP [chuhmp]

Noun

1. Someone who has been cheated on. You’re not part of the Smug Unknowing class, untouched by infidelity. You’re a chump. You got played. 

2. Informal: a gullible idiot

“Don’t be a chump”.

When chumps wash up on the shores of ChumpLady.com, from the U.S., UK, Pakistan, West Africa, South Africa, Australia, the Netherlands, India, Germany, Sweden, France and beyond, they are tired and thirsty for something different…

Chump Lady is a voice that speaks to them with a new message about infidelity. This new voice says: “You know what? Maybe this isn’t the relationship for you. Without trust this marriage isn’t sustainable.” Or, “It’s okay to lay this burden down and leave. The cheating isn’t your fault. You’re going to be better on the other side of this crap.”

The motto of ChumpLady.com is “Leave a cheater, gain a life.” Tracy believes losing a remorseless cheater is addition by subtraction and motivates chumps to set boundaries by getting angry, finding the absurdity, and recognizing manipulation tactics of cheaters. Leaving is the first part. Gaining a life is next. Tracy advises her community to work toward feelings of “meh” about the cheater and to take the rotten experience of infidelity and let it become a catalyst to a better life.

The experience of being chumped cuts across class, race, gender, orientation, and cultural lines. The message of Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life is a funny, smart, and practical field guide of the infidelity terrain that will appeal to all manner of chumps, in every stage of discovery – those who just found out, those who tried reconciliation for years, are divorcing, are in limbo, or were abandoned, those married to serial cheaters, the one-night stand, the emotional affairs. It’s for anyone who questions if people who disrespect you can really love you.

What makes CHUMP LADY different?

  • Chump Lady’s work is the only resource available in print and online that is chump-centric, that addresses the experience of being betrayed, and asks questions that are independent of What The Cheater Wants: Is this relationship acceptable to you? How are you going to protect yourself?
  • In the experience of hundreds of thousands of people who read ChumpLady.com, the site is the only infidelity resource that is not predicated on reconciliation. To date, the blog has had over 16.5 million views and no one can point to another site like it. Chump Lady is not just for women. The narrative voice is gender and orientation neutral and the ChumpLady.com has a robust LGBT readership. About a third of the commentators on the site are men.
  • While Chump Lady is not anti-reconciliation, she is highly skeptical of its long-term success and does not advocate for it as the default position after discovery. She preaches “sorry is as sorry does,” provides a taxonomy of remorse, and advises people who are keen on reconciliation to only do so with demonstrable acts and with financial and legal protections in place.
  • Chump Lady argues that affairs are based in entitlement and reconciliation is based in humility. It’s a tall order to expect that someone mired in entitlement (an affair) will come out of the starting gate with humility. Chump Lady is for those people who have the common experience of not having a remorseful spouse, and who don’t know where to go next.

Infidelity and Character Disorder
While Chump Lady does not make the argument that everyone who cheats has a personality disorder, she does believe that cheating is narcissistic—to pull it off you have to stifle empathy for your partner. (Lack of empathy being a hallmark of narcissism).

Chump Lady offers similar advice to that of Authors who deal with narcissistic abuse or character disorder: pay attention to actions over words, look for manipulation, and realise that how this person is behaving is the clue to their character.

Some people have a different moral framework than we have. Some people are cons. Some people are just selfish jerks. And if you believe in a one-size-fits-all view of humanity, you just may be chumped.

 

***

CL here again — Please share this on social media. We’re all about changing the narrative here at CN, so let’s build some buzz! Hope to see you there!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I looked up The Monogamy Gap book that you mentioned and I’m disturbed by his argument, which seems to be that basically men desire sex with strange — and they can’t help it, even if they are very much in love with their partners. Is there any research that would refute this argument? It’s a hard pill to swallow — very depressing, if true.

    • They can’t help it?

      If I’m not mistaken what is supposed to separate Homo sapiens from other primates is this thing called free-will. To respect, to be fair. Or not. And live with consequences.

      • Male Chump here with 3 decades of monogamy under my belt. Does that count as research? I’m sure other male chumps here would provide similar data points.

        Yeah, I’m pretty sure we can “help it.”

        • Thank you for being living proof that there are faithful men out there. I’m mourning the idea of love and fidelity, my man/my woman, the beauty of passion for one person, and wondering if it is and always was just a fantasy created by literature. I’m afraid that my children will never find a faithful partner or will be cheaters themselves. The lack of empathy encouraged by all the ‘monogamy myth’ salespeople saddens and alarms me. Thanks again and I hope many many more come forward and prove your existence to us sad chump women.

        • The day (2 months before my marriage to Colonel Greatguy) I learned that nowdeadcheater had been a serial adulterer, I called the fine Colonel in a total panic and he responded “I have a 50 year history of monogamy”….perhaps the best possible response.

          (full disclosure he was 50 yrs old then, so not cheating when he was 8 or whatever probs doesnt count)

          • unicorn

            I hope you did not punish Colonel Greatguy for “lying about monogamy” since he was counting his childhood.

            Technically, he was being accurate. But yes, guys like him help.

            I feel sick this morning, about how duped I feel. Oh well, it’ll pass.

            Thanks

  • Whipeeeeeee!!!! Kangaroo-box until a knockout all those cheaters in Australia! The LACGAL Mighty Movement for Aussie chumps! This is a mission that needs to spread to the whole world. Repeat after Lola Granola: Let the world domination begin!

    I do hope you come my way Tracy. I will be in the front row and will bring my national fellow chumps! Just yesterday I had the displeasure of seeing a cheater abuse a chump and had to bite my tongue. I know chump will get angry at me if I give her your book and we need to get along. But I talk about me and she is seeing my example.

    • Adapted from something I just read yesterday:

      Question: What are a Chump Lady and a Chump Nation?

      Answer: They make up a special kind of GPS that leads you to yourself, mightiness and respect.

  • This is so awesome and so mighty!! Chump Lady continues to be the change she wants to see in the world! I will happily share this on my social media page. 🙂

  • So glad you’re going downunder. Almost makes me wish I was still living there…but hey, my loser cheater is there… so no.

    There are a lot of warped cheaters down there. Glad you’re going to set things straight.

  • CL

    I am one of those posters on the reconciliation site of MWD. I have posted there for years. I’m “for” reconciliation.

    But I am mortified now, in retrospect. Frankly, I saw women’s affairs as MUCH more likely with jerk husbands, whereas I saw most of men’s affairs as just shitty.

    And my bias towards belief in marriage was in part b/c I did not feel my DOCTOR husband had cheated. What a moron I was.

    I’m sending a huge virtual apology to the spouses I so wrongly advised to tolerate utter shit from the entitled.

    I wish I could take it all back.

    • That is all part of it though, we live, go through things and learn. You still helped many in many ways you probably don’t think off, even though your prospective has changed now. You were still there for people — you are a special and good person for that.

    • I’d be wary if the narrative that women generally cheat on “jerk husbands.” My ex wife trafficked in that BS storyline to her friends and business partners.

      Cheating makes the cheater a jerk. Period. No one deserves to be chumped. Even jerks deserve better. And anyone with integrity would just leave.

    • I don’t mean to hijack the overall thread with the following (you GO, Tracy) but . .

      You may have pinpointed why men like me are devestated in our own special way when we discover our chumpdom (and maybe why many keep their chump status under wraps).

      I think the prevailing mindset is just as you say: if men cheat it’s because they’re shitty jerks; if women cheat it’s because they’re married to shitty jerks (not a nice thing to do, but somewhat sympathetic).

      We male chumps thought we did all the right things in the face of this societal mindset (whether it actually exists or not) and still got shit on.

      The more Tracy and Chump Nation change the narrative, hopefully the more we can shed some daylight on the reality of this mindfuck.

      • UXWorld – I second this. This is a tough mindset that does exist.

        CL – Wish I could be there, this would be fun to see, participate in, and provide some backup to bite back to the RIC and others.

    • I think it’s totally normal for your views change after you’re been chumped. Before I was chumped I could watch movies about affairs and follow along and find nothing really objectionable (Hello, Bridges of Madison Co.)

  • This is a very well done write up! I wish I could post it on my Facebook but I don’t ever post about this stuff. (or anything). Any ideas how we can promote this anonymously?

      • Omg would love to see you come to Canada! It would be great if you were able to reach Judges as well as mental Heath professionals. Oh and lawyers and bankers and people who counsel kids. Ok the whole world but we gotta start somewhere and eventfully we’ll get there!

      • Woo-hoo! I cannot wait for you to come. I’ve already booked!! I live waaaaaaaaaay over on the west coast (Perth), but am going to make the trip to Newcastle to see you! Have already booked my mum in to babysit haha! I could not pass up the opportunity to shake the hand of the woman who helped me make escape plans out of my hell. By the time you get to OZ, it will be 2 years since I left him at the airport (I left on May 19, 2016).

        Can’t wait to meet you in person. You’ll love down under! We can’t wait to welcome you 🎉

  • Maybe you could add a date in Melbourne…?
    I’m going to have to check if this is during term or school holidays and see if I can work it…

    • OMG, you have to come, Roller!! If I can make all the way over from Perth, you can make it from Melbourne. Come on!

        • I’m an hour south of Perth – Manjoogoordap! Let’s go to Newcastle! I’ve booked the master class, next going to book flight and hotel.

      • I’d love to! It’s during school term though and I’m hoping to have a full time Teacher Aide position in 2018…that’s the goal anyway. If I achieve it maybe I can plan it though. And if I’m just re-contracted to the school I’m at for this last term of 2017 I will have Fridays so…maybe…I’m definitely keeping the possibility in mind! I’m in Victoria so not as far to travel as you!

  • ChumpLady, Tracy, this is AWESOME NEWS!! So happy that you are a catalyst for this change transcontinentally. I’m so glad I found you and CN. The times, they’re a changing’ <3

  • Fantastic news!! Tracy are you open to talking in Sydney as well? It’s not far to travel to Newcastle, but I’m sure there are plenty of chumps and mental health colleagues who would be interested to hear you talk here too.

    • Hi Vastra
      I’m organising her coming over because I run a small education and ideas business – based out of Newcastle. I have a lot of people on mailing lists for Sydney who I will be teaching.

      We’re about breaking normal narratives right?! Well the normal narrative is for everyone in this country to travel to a state capital in order to be a part of something big.

      Not this time.

      We hope you will make it – it’s only an hour and 50 minutes up the road from you!

  • Hi Tracy! I’m in rAdelaide and already planning on attending. I will also see if there’s professional interest from the various counselling/ legal places I’ve received support from over this last year of utter chaos and horridity. The more, the merrier…
    It will be lovely to meet other Aussie chumps, too! I’ve been a-lurking on this site for ages, finding much comfort and inspiration, gradually working up the courage to post comments.
    Onwards! Woohoo!

    • Brilliant brilliant brilliant idea and this is exactly what I hope will happen: Professionals involved in the Chump’s circle of response start speaking the same language.

      Thanks! And stay mighty!!

      (I’m organising this event by the way – hence the interest!)

      • Newcastle is very pretty, friendly and *slower* than Sydney, too. Also, the train ride up from Sydney is lush and beautiful. Just sayin’.

  • This is exciting, I need to find a farmsitter!!
    We need you Tracy!
    Also to other Kiwi chumps, please check out the Law Commission’s review of the Relationship Property Act and make sure you have your say. Submissions are open until Feb 2018, I think. The current law sucks, especially if you’re in a 2nd or 3rd LTR and a rip off artist cheater comes along for a few years and takes advantage of what you had earned in the previous 20 years. Just saying, from experience…

  • I’ve also sent the link for Tracy’s pres. to our inept former MC. She flew all the way to Florida for some Imago symposium. The idiot told us that “sometimes outsourcing a bit of sex can be good for a marriage”. She needs to go to Newcastle to be enlightened.

    • Oh my fucking god. Don’t talk IMAGO to me. I endured a weekend of that with ex Narc – all it did was give him more language to deceive and more ways to manipulate me.

      KIWICHUMP, I SOOOOOO hope you can make it.

      • Imago is actually pretty decent if you are with a decent human being. Unfortunately, like you, I was with an asshole who used the ideas to further fuck with me, of course he used therapy speak before that anyway. A therapatized abuser is worse than one who never saw a shrink.

  • How cool! Will you have any layovers on your flight out? I feel like the only chump in the middle of the Pacific, it would be neat to give you a lei. I remember staggering around on another board, in 2012, and not feeling the vibe and then you started challenging their culture and I followed you because you spoke reason. I don’t get to post but I read every day! Congrats!

  • It’s a bit like the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh way- NEWCASTLE? Flights to Newcastle from Adelaide will be a total pain in the neck. But since that is where you are speaking, that is where I must go. Newcastle. Okey dokey then

    • Hey there! I’ll probably be catching coaches + trains over there (I don’t fly, and have done this twice before – it’s a brill way to see the country, without having the stress of driving/ flight-catchering). Or, I might have saved up enough for a car by then, so may drive, and will deal with the stress. If you/ others from our fair city want a travel partner/ to do a road trip, I’d be up for it 🙂 I’d like to meet up with Adelaide chumps in any case – will be more active on the forum/ email list…

      • lots of room in the stationwagon! Are there any giant animal landmarks between here and there? Or fruit, giant fruit are also good.

      • Check your email TOF, let me know when & where for meetup. At this stage looking at flying upon Thursday morning and back on Sunday to minimise time off work, but there might be someone else who’s up for a drive – will let them know.

    • Hey…. don’t di the ‘Castle dudes! It’s not what it used to be:

      Google images of newcastle beaches, Anzac walk, Nobby’s Lighthouse, Beaumont Street, Darby Street, Honeysuckle precinct and you will get an idea of where we are these days compared to BHP Steel days 🙂

      Can’t wait to meet you all 🙂

    • Hey…. don’t dis the ‘Castle dudes! It’s not what it used to be:

      Google images of newcastle beaches, Anzac walk, Nobby’s Lighthouse, Beaumont Street, Darby Street, Honeysuckle precinct and you will get an idea of where we are these days compared to BHP Steel days 🙂

      Can’t wait to meet you all 🙂

  • Hi Tracy! I’ve been here since day one back in 2012. I posted once back then. Have been lurking here every single day since- have never missed an article or a comment. Kinda like a secret admirer!
    Newcastle is my home town. I live 5 minutes drive from where you’ll be. Can’t believe my luck….
    Thankyou Zhuchi for making this happen. And yes, all will be pleasantly surprised at how beautiful Newcastle is.

  • Im a short drive from Newcastle
    Can’t believe my luck
    This site has saved my sanity and kids the last 4 years
    Can’t wait

  • Have been quietly on your site every day and like everyone here it has helped me every day. I also live very close to Newcastle – would not miss this day.

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