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douchebaag

Today’s Fun Friday challenge is to write dating profiles for your exes. Heck, you might have a head start on this if you stumbled across their actual profiles already. (I did, while married to him).

How was it? Well, in addition to his self-reported litany of qualities that he does not possess (honesty, faithfulness, romance), he bragged that he knew how to solve Schrodinger’s equation. (Oh, way to win the ladies…)

I sent the profile off to his OW, who apparently wasn’t very happy to receive it.

So write me a dating profile. But make it clever! Profiles just full of invective aren’t very interesting. You need telling details such as “I like to come home from a long day of work and hang my trousers on the nearest chair. I relax best in my underwear.” You know, true annoying details about them to which they are oblivious. (Narcs assume always that they are just splendid).

It’s not very meh, but who knows — maybe we could fix a few of these lovebirds up? So what if you heard yours got remarried. Hasn’t stopped them yet.

Here’s my submission:

Age: Old enough to act superior to you, but without all that annoying responsible adult behavior.

Height: As wide as I am tall.

Income: Enough about me — how much do YOU make? Any savings bonds? Trust funds? Wealthy relatives that might kick off?

Interests: Buying shit for hobbies I never have time to pursue. I’m more of a collector. Of women. LOL. No, really I’m a macho dude with a lot of interests. Hoarding is such an ugly word. I “collect” motorcycles, kayaks, canoes, cameras, computers, guns, knives, bows, arrows, hiking boots, expensive socks, burr coffee grinders, gortex rain gear, 1000 thread count sheets, and the occasional beanie baby. (Okay, I didn’t buy that, it was a gift from one of my mistresses.)

I’m a dynamic guy. I have three advanced degrees in subjects far too technical for a mere liberal arts major such as you to understand. But I like you arty chicks. The bra-lessness, the way you wear those toe rings and embroidered dresses. Like you’re all ready to sign up for Peace Corps. I just can just smell the idealism (“Tell me about your time in Sudan… no really!”), it’s a total turn on. You can afford to work at a non-profit because you’ve got some family money, don’t you?

I don’t like art galleries and shit, but I’ll go and pretend like I do, especially if we can go to Saks afterwards and look at Phillip Patek watches. Hey, I looked at your dumb art — do this for me. Might give you ideas of the sort of thing I’d like for Christmas. I once had this mean, horrible ex wife who gave me a grill brush once for my birthday — and I can see that you are the kind of discerning woman with a refined sensibility who would NEVER buy a grill brush for a man she loved.

What I’m looking for: Big boobs. Big hair. Dumb, trusting smile. Generosity. Gullibility. Instant family (you have a kid? I LOVE KIDS.) 10-20 years younger than me. If you just want to be fuckbuddies, I’m not particular. But to achieve gold Wife Status, you need to be the total package — younger, dumber, and monied.

Contact: I’ll call you. My number changes sometimes. It’s complicated.  But I love you. Just the idea of you. Actual you may enrage me, but that’s later. I’ll be in touch. In fact, you might have a hard time shaking me. Stalking is an ugly word. I’m a collector….

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I came across the OK Cupid profile that Kunty Kibbler used to troll for fuckbuddies immediately after the open marriage request.

    Most of it was blather about how she’s a “guy’s kind of girl” ….

    — “I’m such a tomboy — I just get along so much better with men.”
    — “My favorite word is ‘plethora.’ A close second is ‘fuck’.”
    — “When I was in my 20s I had a subscription to Playboy. Yes, it was actually for the articles.”

    But the (chilling) things that really stand out are:

    — You should message me if: “You’re not planning on commenting on how tall I am, can take sarcastic banter as well as dish it out, you understand ethical non-monogamy, and if you can bring me a cup of coffee, please?”

    — My favorite quote: “Do the good, not the easy.”

    • I love how cheaters discover ethical non-monogamy only after they discover that lying and abusing trust don’t work out that well for them.

      • sorry UX World

        but I’m still stuck on “ethical non monogamy”. WTF??? Seriously, what does it mean?

          • Probably a question for Esther Perel…as in she’s the one who could manage to pretzel cheating into that phrase. The only way is to not be exclusive but of course that’s not what UX had

            • Funny you should mention Esther — I’ve seen two posts on KK’s FB page in the last few months that link to Esther’s videos. In one KK calls EP “my favorite relationship expert”; in the other, she admits “I have a girl crush on Esther Perel”

              (and before I get lashed for pain-shopping — ever since KK posted “boudoir photos” of herself on instagram, where my daughters can see them, I feel the need to go on my daughter’s phone every so often and check what else KK is posting. Call it “daughter policing.”)

              • Dear God iin Haeven, that’s awful UXWorld.
                I agree that you have to protect your daughter, but hate that you have to go through her smug smuttiness to do it.
                Ugh.

              • UX, I have no fear about your ability to manage your perusal of KK’s toxic social media presentation.

                But how does she ALWAYS manage to be the most obnoxious female cheater ever?

        • As a woman, other women who say things like “most of my friends are guys”, “I just get along better with men”, and/ or “I don’t have many (or any) female friends” is code for “I dislike competition and other women see right through me. They can easily discern what a piece of shit excuse for a human being I am.” I knew girls like this in college and those “friendships” inevitably ended in disaster – as did their romantic relationships.

          • This is one of those instances where yet another piece falls into place. The “I get along better with men” was just an old sentiment of hers – true, and I witnessed it often – but of no particular note to me. Then years later as the truth began to be revealed, I bumped into it again and thought it might have indicated something in some small way during my early untangling efforts, but I had so many other more promising trails to chase down. Forgot all about it. Then, Bam! You nailed it. Code for “I dislike competition and other women see right through me”. This is her! And it was even when recalling her college social group that she had made reference to her “friends with guys” nature. You didn’t happen to go to school in Chicago did you? 🙂

            • No – but I do live in the Midwest! Still in the same town as some of the women I went to college with that I was referring to. They haven’t changed……

              • Sara_esq

                the women who “prefer men” and say “other women are jealous” (they see thru me) of me

                are the same women who enter a room and move their bodies, pelvis first.

                When a woman has few female friends (or few friends, period),

                there is a reason. Flee.

            • Interesting Big Stupid Fucking Baby always gravitated towards female friends/acquaintances as well. Didn’t matter married, old, young, interesting or not, he would be right in there chatting them up listening to all the gossip. He had maybe 3 male friends that he seldom called or associated with. I think it was the same he felt more comfortable with women didn’t have any competition.

              • Same here Lyndaloo, always gravitated towards the groups of women, no matter what the ages right there listening to the gossip. Occasionally interjecting with his stupid remarks he thought were funny. It would be embarrassing. He didn’t have maybe three male friends he had associated with in high school and college but rarely kept in contact with.
                When I would host bunko I would find him hiding around a corner or hallway spying. I don’t think he felt comfortable around other men and you’re right Lyndaloo, it could have been the competition and he liked feeling like the center of attention.

              • Brit, ‘the centre of attention’ this was him always showing off. Had to be in the thick of it. Same with the physically active nonsense. Started running next thing he was entering the marathon every hobby and he had plenty over the years, was always over the top. His latest foray was Bridge and he got to the point that he played everyday, got involved with all the old ladies and that’s where he met Schmoopie. Looking back now I realize that he was always trolling for someone, anyone, anything, that was different. It really didn’t matter who. There is a deep empty void in these assholes that they are desperately trying to fill.
                I believe he has OCD as well as being a Narc. Well, good riddance, I’m on my way to Meh just put new blinds up on my sunroom they look wonderful!

              • Sounds familiar Lyndaloo, always over the top, from, running, to marathons. to triathlons. Everything was to prove he was better than everyone else and wouldn’t accept second best. Even when playing board games with our young son.
                It’s another way of putting others down and showing off. He enjoyed correcting people with his knowledge in conversations which made having a natural relaxed conversation impossible when you have know-it-all in the mix. How I put up with listening to his arrogance for all those years is beyond me. I was trying out for the spackle olympics apparently.
                Your blinds sound wonderful. What kind did you get? Good for you being able to put them up yourself. Looking forward to the day when I can afford to redecorate.

              • Hi. Brit,
                I must confess I had some help with the blinds my brother in law and sister came over to assist. The are bamboo Roman shades and they look great. I did hang a cafe curtain in my front window though and it hasn’t fallen down recently LOL!
                I was fortunate that I was able to get out of this situation with enough money to buy a little house in another town close my sister. I had a good job so my pension is sufficient and I got half the assists. He didn’t fight me on any of it and I didn’t give him a chance to rethink his decision. He wanted out so out he is and I had things settled in 2 months. I think he was stunned that I didn’t do the “pick me dance” and cry and carry on but to be honest it was a relief in a way. I’m older 72 so a bit scary at first but I know I was the brains, and the reason we had what we had. I have 3 grown children and 4 teenage grandkids and they are all wonderful. He threw them all away and they want nothing to do with him, which I’m grateful for. These guys thing they are so fucking special that we are going to curl up and die without them! HA WHAT A JOKE ! They only ever considered themselves and their wants and didn’t bother forging good relationships with family and friends so they better hope Schmoopie is truly the love of their sick little lives, because no one wants to bother with him. It’s laughable really just who the hell do they think they are? Fucking jerks.
                Anyway, enough about idiot where are you living I see you use Brit are you in the UK?

          • The DOCTOR’s profile would read

            “Physically active healthy (obsessive as shit) PROFESSIONAL who loves helping people”.

            = workaholic rigidly imposing food issues on others and will make NOT so subtle references to weight until you become anorexic.

            “outdoorsy” (=collects very expensive hunting/camping/fishing equipment to be used at most, twice a year AND only on expensive hunting/camping/fishing trips, always requiring expensive guides).

            “loves theater”

            ( soon to be ex wife & abandoned children, all perform well. This is exactly the same thing as me loving it.)

            “romantic” = only when love bombing or impressing others. Cold shoulder & odd detachment to follow.

            “attentive to detail” = critical as shit

            • Airline pilot***

              **Physically active-obsessive as shit (see Dr. profile above) rigidly imposing food issues on others. Not so subtle references to your weight and activity.

              Actually see Dr. profile above.

              **Never wrong**

              • Physically active, healthy, did I say physically active obsessive and looking for like minded individual to share active lifestyle-
                Health, exercise and did you notice my biceps? my pecs? Did I tell you how far I ran? can you keep up?
                What are you putting on your salad??!!! salad dressing??!!??!!
                only vinegar for me.

            • “Loves theater” is priceless…these guys love (due to god complex perhaps) “directing” the entire family in tragi-comedy without intermission, ending on strong note of horror. Glad you are out of that Playbill!

          • Woman-haters, men-worshippers. Daddy issues. Yeah, they came out of the woodwork in college. I seem to meet these women in female-dominated professions. They can be the ones who keep women from moving up.

          • Most of the women I have know that describes themselves as “tomboys who get along better with men” have a problem with back stabbing their girlfriends for said boys. Hard to maintain a friendship after that.

          • Mine was the opposite.

            He had no male friends. None.

            He “preferred the company of women.”

            Red flags I spackled…

            • My ex had no male friends either. When I asked him why, he said other men are stupid and he couldn’t deal with them. I ignored the red flags too and spackled like crazy, even though my ex is a serial cheater who was constantly on the lookout for a new true love, so he could leave me.

              • RonBurgundy basically had no friends, period. In fact that’s how he got caught cheating by our youngest daughter on the InternWhore OW. Our daughter called him when InternWhore was out of town and could hear someone else in the background. When she asked what he was doing, he said he was “out with friends.” She got off the phone and immediately thought, ” Dad doesn’t have any friends; I bet he’s cheating. ” And she was right.

          • I cut girls/women under 21 some slack for the “get along better with guys” thing, as it usually boils down to:

            1. Their being raised to believe that if they have any “non-girly” interests they are somehow A Species Apart that can’t socialize with Their Own Kind, and that traditionally feminine interests and habits are devalued to the point that ‘not like other girls’ is the only way they can have any value as an individual.

            2. Feeling that it’s easier to make friends with boys due to mistaking actual friendship with boys faking friendship with them in the hopes of being rewarded with sex.

            However, if you haven’t grown out of that by your 20s you’ve got issues.

    • “Ethical non-monogamy”?? Lol, that’s some complicated word gymnastics she’s performing right there. Give her credit though, she scored well with most of the judges — but the Russian judge gave her a 5.

      • Isn’t ethical non-monogamy when you’re single and dating around, haven’t chosen someone to go steady with?

    • There must just be too much going on here for folks to wrap their minds around.

      Nobody mentioned: “Do the good, not the easy.” Maybe this is such an obvious example of cheater self-delusion, it just falls into the bucket with the rest of the bullshit we’ve all heard. And maybe (probably) I’m so close to it it just carries that more of a wallop.

      But it continues to chill me that someone this evil and fucked up can champion this sentiment as her personal mantra (on her Facebook profile, etc.).

      Of course, “Do the easy, not the good” won’t further efforts at self-promotion.

      • That quote stuck with me as in, “do the good (me! Me! Me!) Not the easy (all the other skanky how’s on this site)”

        I know she means it in a philosophical, benevolent way, but that how I interpret it in KK’s case.

        She’s the kind of woman I stay clear from as far as being friend with. Cannot stand those types of women.

      • It’s just another example of their delusions and double standards. They are incapable of viewing their behavior for what it is. They are special, their case is different because it’s them. Just another part of their fuckupedness. Trust that they suck.

      • UX, there ya have it….”do the easy, not the good.” Makes sense why she did what she did to you….you’re the good! The purple dildo rider was the easy……..from this day forward, the purple dildo rider shall be known as…………wait for it……..”EASY RIDER!”

      • UX…just got to sit down and was reading…

        ‘do the good…not the easy’…

        …yep…satan would have said this as well…

        …advertising fraud from my perspective.

        …just sayin…

      • After being brainwashed by my ex who repeatedly told me how ethical and decent he was (unlike his cheating mercenary colleagues), now when someone trumpets their apparent virtue, I interpret it as a warning.

      • UX, you are right,,,so much going on that some BS gets left out of the conversation…I did notice that first read through…

        To me that was – yet another – example of a disordered person claiming to have a virtue which they simply dont have.

        I once gave my nowdeadcheater a book about Catholic parenting which he didnt open. Much later, he said “I dont know why you gave me that, I already do everything in it” but after Dday he (in a short lived sparkily spurt of decency) opened it up and the ENTIRE premise of the book is that yo CANT be a decent parent if you are a terrible spouse and gave extensive explanations on how kind, decent and respectful a man needs to be to his wife in order to be a good father.

        So, yea, he did NONE of those things, but he still fancied himself a good father.

        But in my life the “Delusional Virtrtue Award” goes to my mom….Borderline Personality disorder and alcoholism…drank herself into dementia and now she has a vivid fantasy life of how wonderfully she parented back in the day. She makes stuff up from imaginary tuition she paid to her amazing (nonexistent) work ethic to explaining how she survived over hardships (which happened to me, not her). She is one who would take that “Do the good, not the easy” to an extreme at Christmas dinner until I want to choke myself with a turkey bone.

    • I was soooo looking forward to reading all the hilarious ads, but somehow I couldn’t get past “ethical non-monogamy.” There’s a name for that, “polyamory” — when agreed upon before doing the easy not the good.

  • I’ll play: “Looking for a great partner in crime. I mean that literally. The ideal woman would be a perfectly normal, bourgeois, middle-aged cover who would support my lifetime work of traveling to third-world countries to bang young sex workers. The ideal woman should be impressed by my worldliness, unquestioning of finances, unfazed by my non-existant relationship with my own family, but skinny and mildly intelligent so as to look legit to everyone who matters. Her hobbies should include: Decorating my apartment for me, telling me I look good in the morning, babysitting my kids when I have better things to do. My hobbies include: Shopping for custom-made shirts and suits, collecting books I never read, maintaining an active online presence on infidelity, dating, and hookup sites at all times, being successful enough that I can justify traveling to sex tourism destinations.”

    • I love this — LOL, theother! Especially the first sentence! My STBX could just plagiarize the whole thing (and he WOULD, too), just substituting “Nevada” for “third world countries”.

      Oh, and he’d change the “mildly intelligent” requirement to “look like a porn star, so as to impress my buddies — extra credit if you ARE a porn star.”

  • Age: 45 but maturity is more like 14.

    Height: I’m tall but my weight fluctuates with the weather. And I have man-boobs that I would like to have plastic surgery on…so I can look perfect. Perfection in my appearance is of utmost importance to me.

    Income: Wait…I have to work? Can’t someone just support me? I’m just so tired.

    Interests: I go to work (I have to apparently), I watch TV, I eat, I sleep. If I’m asked to do anything, I find lots of fun interests to do instead. I like to go for long walks…by myself…with my phone. I like to take holidays…with my best friend (he is single) rather than the wife and kids.

    What I’m looking for: I’m searching for a romantic woman. Someone who will do all my washing, cooking, cleaning, fill in forms, do my work assignments, pay the bills, look after the kids, pander me when I’m ill, constantly rub my feet, check my haemorrhoids, allow me to have no responsibility, call in sick for me, make excuses for my lack of filter (with my words and actions), ensure the kids show me respect at all times, and be ready for sex without any connection.

    My deal breakers: I MUST be made happy at all times. That is completely your responsibility if you date me. Ok?

  • Oh, cheater ex’s profile would be one sentence – I, me, myself and my shadow rock.

    Reality: Olympic gold medalist for cheating.

  • I actually found my ex Arseholes profile on a SWINGING SITE – user name LONELYPINT – Bless … poor wee lonely soul – when I asked him about this “I was just bored and curious…” was the fucktards answer.
    This was after DDay 1 so wasn’t as surprised as I should have been. Ahh being the marriage police and constantly remaining vigilant…..oh how I dont miss that !!

    Fucktards would read:
    Age 37 – but I will lie about that to suit my purposes – prefer an older woman, she is more grateful and I always need a mummy figure as I am a complete childish bastard.

    Height 5 foot 8 but will say 5 foot 10 – because why not just lie about everything ?

    Income – should not matter to you – as I am secretive ! Your income is enough – so you use that on all the boring stuff like bills ! Mine is for fun !

    Interests – Pretending to be a husband and father.

    What do I look for – Looking for a woman I can impress with my love bombing – who will finally understand that I am wonderful. Who understands me. She shouldn’t mind that I abandoned my child – thats a minor detail and not a character flaw. Eventually I will erode away all of your self respect then abandon you to – as I will meet someone else and overnight decide that they are way better than you and I can start again – reinvent ! New fresh slate !

    Contact – Absolutely anywhere ! Im always on the lookout – weddings and fucking the bridesmaid are my specialty !

      • Lonely Pint Fucktard facetimed me after DD2 to watch me cry …and tell me about his own pain – yes this poor misunderstood sad sad sausage … cant understand why I could not just be happy for him – did I not understand that he DESERVED to be happy ? Did ya not know that long lasting happiness is found with a one night stand that you BUILD a relationship with ?? Fuck you Debbiechump and kids 14 years means NOTHING because I have sadz …and Im a Lonley Pint …and special…

    • Yes I found husbands (ex now) adultmatchmaker profile. His name is Lovebringer69! He describes himself as Honest and Loyal. ROTFL
      I warn any of my friends that are online dating if they see the words Honest and Loyal…Run…because if they have to say what should be a given….then they are not!

  • Tall dark Borderline Personality Disordered 46 year old woman seeks male between the ages of 15 and 25

    Likes: massages and trickery (see age criteria above) and whatever you say you like I will pretend to like also until you marry me

    Must like cooking, cleaning, and child care because I won’t do any of that…not even my fair share

    I collect clothes, shoes, makeup, and debt

    Must make me the center of your world. If you don’t I will let you know or I will start blowing and screwing other men… Consider this fair warning.

    Very loyal…in fact I will promise to kill myself if you try to leave me….who else would be willing to do that?

    • Zell

      I’m sorry – I’m laughing so hard at your shit wife’s threat to kill herself to PROVE how much she loves you and how loyal SHE IS.

      Oh God, sometimes this place is exactly what I need. For such a shitty reason.

  • Age: Not fussy. If you are the lesbian teenager of my friend for me to fawn over, I’m as happy as a pig in shit. Older mom with three kids? Great! You’ve obviously learnt how to do certain things in the bedroom, for which I am eternally grateful. Basically you must be attractive and good in the sack. Oh, and dont ask too many questions.

    Height: Not fussy, see above.

    Income: Slightly more fussy here. I like girls with money to settle down with. Anyone will do for fun. Anyone will do at all. The dirtier the better.

    Interests: Me. I am a rock and roll legend, dontchaknow?! No really, I am amazing. I hide it well though, you wouldnt know from speaking to me. I have a wonderful modesty that I switch on to hide my other nature. My phone. Its my secret hiding place. Kibbles pop up there all the time, from several sources. I love my phone. It never leaves my hand (along with something else that doesnt leave my hand) Did you like my little joke? Im also incredibly funny. Well I think so anyway. The fact that I have screwed up my whole life causes me many LOL.

    What Im looking for: Attention. There I’ve said it. Will you love me? Please love me. I need attention. No really, I need someone to love me whilst I look for something better. Mad bedroom skills are a plus. If you’re pretty and we share the same interests (me) then I might ask you to marry me. Maybe.

    Contact: I’ve had this phone for years. In case someone from my past needs to tell me how wonderful I am. Or if we need to hook up again. Any hole is a goal if you ask me.

  • Man seeking woman for long-term, semi-monogamous relationship. Looking for a woman with a personality to mimic (at least at first). I’ll eat what you eat, say what you say, impose your dietary choices on everyone around us, and let you shadow me on every business trip! (Just don’t expect me to shadow yours). Don’t worry, after a few years I’ll back off and leave you alone.

    Prefer someone who appreciates daily criticism completely devoid of constructive suggestions. My hobbies include staring at Facebook, and researching my next expensive purchase. Just don’t say no when it’s time to buy!

    If you believe BBC, NPR, and CNN are all fake news, gluten is the devil, and honesty is over-rated, we’re a match made in heaven! Let me entertain you with my savage verbal onslaughts of every driver that cuts me off – you can even flip them off with me! Scratch my back nightly (just don’t expect me to scratch yours). Don’t ask me about my day or my finances; that’s my private business. So are my weekends. But don’t worry, I appreciate my partner and if we have kids, I’ll make sure you get at least 2 hours to yourself each week!

    Write soon! My most recent relationship is getting a little rocky so I’m ready to “move on”.

  • Age 57
    Appearance – Harvey Weinstein meets Henry the eight. Puffy , sweaty over weight.
    Ideal woman single divorced from an abusive relationship with older children ( preferably emotionally damage girls)looking for someone to rescue . Must be happy to listen to my endless stories about myself. To host my access dates with DD ( rescuing her too) while I can live a single life. Olympic level spackling over my lies about marital status and multiple hook ups . Must see me as the centre of your world but accept you will never be mine .
    Hobbies include Sex , looking for sex . Eating

  • It is actually spelled Gore-Tex and the fact that I know that should be a red flag as is the fact that I can spell Arc’teryx the name of an obscure high end outdoor equipment company.

    Ourdoor Industry snobs are their own sort, really. They fancy themselves worthy of an article in “Men’s Health”…you know, the magazine where all 40 yr old guys are single, dashing (with a tiny dosh of grey at the temple), silent & mysterious, wear Tag Heuer watches and have superior sex with comfortably distant but firm assed women who understand their complexity.

    Their only problems are those pesky people back in the 4 bedroom colonial house …the dog and minivan…yea, we don’t speak of them while on business trips fucking single firm assed business associates, never mind them…the marriage is long over and only the last of the (never filed or mentioned) papers are left to be signed. Did you see my new North Face Tri-climate coat?

    • Can you hike like a mountain goat while looking and smelling like a 5’3″ Victoria’s Secret Model?

      Can you appreciate/discuss Catholic Tradition and theology while helping me break the 8th Commandment?

      Can you tolerate me as I smell wine and act like an elitist while I run as fast as I can from my working class roots?

      Can you understand me and the pain I have felt being in a loveless marriage with a woman who leaves my heart totally untended? If so you might me my soul-mate.

      Don’t call me, email my work account and I will contact you on my next trip near you. My ability to find willing & discreet fuckbuddies who never contact my wife has been perfect, as am I.

      • Must see -55F’ as “brisk”, (not deathly cold.)

        Must see unending darkness of the long Alaskan winters as “starry skies”.

        Must do what I like or enjoy being alone. Must have children who reflect well on me AND admire me, or I will blame them.

        Low needs people only, b/c I have enough needs for both of us.

        Favorite lines from one of the hunts…

        “The Dall Sheep is the hardest to track, so hurry up. Then we can go deep sea fishing b/c we ALL like that! It’ll be fun! Just Wear more clothes if you’re so cold. It’s above 0’F.”

    • unicornomore and DOCTOR’s1stWife, what is it with the high-end sporting goods collecting?? “name of an obscure high end outdoor equipment company.” The STBX, spying the ‘hardcover bound catalog” from high-end fly-fishing company Orvis at a vacation home we were visiting, was quite literally jealous. That’s only given to people who spend a certain amount of $$$, and he was up for the challenge!! In fact, he ‘deserved’ it… He even had a custom built shed made (after his ‘date of separation’) to house this unused collection. Some people store their extra money in investments/stocks, some people store it in useless equipment with no resale value. “Some People” = Disordered Assholes.

      • After he died, I found a cardboard box in my basement with 4 North Face jackets literally crammed into it. I have no idea why. I gave 3 away and wear one of them. I literally still have North Face shit in the house with tags still on it.

        • have several all season tents, water filters, MRE’s (so I’m ready for the apocalypse), and when we first lived in Alaska

          he bought a snow machine (“snow mobile” to the lower 48), a boat, a trailer to carry the snowmobile or boat, and an “ATV” which is a weird carrier for people who want to hunt or fish or roam in the wilds. ALL of these purchases were made without any input from me.

          They just showed up. Mind you, for the most part I might have agreed and would have enjoyed choosing, but nope.

          Amazing adventures at -50′.

          OH and I had a newborn so I really didn’t explore much. I was a big drag…

          • Oh yes, the Alaska man. My ex is one of those. He had the image of himself as the hunter, fisherman, trapper. In reality he slogged to his job everyday by truck, slammed beers after work and watched Netflix and surfed the web in all his spare time. Alaska is full of these guys.

  • Age: Hey, age is mind over matter, if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter! (wink)

    Height: Just tall enough for you to “whiff” my armpits. Did I tell you I have a subscription to “Birchbox”…You should see my medicine cabinet…you’re gonna wish you were me.

    Income: Enough to enjoy those ball games, beach vacations and beer festivals. Say, you don’t got a private beach house or brewery by any chance, do ya?

    Interests: Read the tech news lately? What’s the newest electronic gadget out there? Gotta have me some of that. I love to “fiddle” to be in the know then I lose interest….like everything else in life.
    Porn: Ooooh love me some porn. Been collecting since I was a wee boy. Always looking to improve my skills…spend lots of time practicing on myself…Dedicated…that’s one of my assets. Practice, practice, practice…never know when the next hottie will catch my eye.

    Collector of a bazillion dollars worth of camping equipment I will never use.
    Collector of knives because hey I live in NYC …you never know when I’ll get robbed on the subway.
    Collector of comic books because hey, I’m gonna sell them one day and get “some” money back.
    Apocalypse Preparer: never know when the zombies will be coming…gotta be prepared.

    I am smart as shit ( see Apocalypse Preparer). Taught myself everything I know about computers ( but don’t ask me a question because I don’t know shit unless I’m getting paid to tell you). I’m all about me. I’m a swell guy. I promise you will love me as much as I love me. I know everything. I was a doctor, lawyer, pediatrician, politician…all in another life. I will give you all the advice you will ever need….as long as you love me like I love me.

    Passion: Video Games!!!!! Can I please stay down in the basement and play my game? Pretty please…with sugar on top? Will you call me after you’ve shopped for dinner, prepared dinner, cleaned the house, did the laundry, raked the leaves, shoveled the snow, raised the kid and paid the bills? Swell…you really love me…thanks for showing it (see above) wink

    What I’m looking for: Can we just date? I want that “effortless” love. Honestly, I don’t want to work at this shit. Just love me the way I want. Did I mention I want “effortless”…just do the things I want and you and I will be just fine.

    Contact: Gimme a second here. there…I created a new email account so I can create a “fake” facebook name so you and I can be “friends”….Hey, you never know if I might need it at the next job reunion I go to. Told ya I was a tech guy. WINK

  • Introducing my fuckwit:

    Hello ladies! Better hang on to this profile since this is more words than you will ever string out of me at one time again. I and a brooding and stoic man. You will love how I take many seconds to reply to questions you ask me and often forget you were talking at all. You will think that I am such a deep soul that only you can understand me. You will feel like you can fix me!

    Age: Finally free to live my life away from my horrible, terrible, Controlling and Judgmental X appliance, I am reborn. You must be at least 10 years younger and impressionable.

    Height: I am very tall at 6’4″. I like short chicks, 5’4″ and under, so I can tower above them and always have a foot of height of ignorable space as they gaze longingly up at me wishing I would pay attention. It is my bubble. I also maintain the bubble when I walk with you, I will always walk half a block ahead because you are so short.

    Interests: I like concerts and guitars and guns and motorcycles. Though I have had A LOT of these to great excess for 30+ years I always felt like my Controlling and Judgmental X prevented me from truly pursuing my passions. Even though I bought all of these I wanted, any time I wanted, I always felt that the X must have hated them so I built up resentment of her over not having enough of them so I had to get more and bigger and better (you will love my AK47). I want a chick who will worship me for these interests and want her to let her small children ride on the back of the motorcycle with me at any time I demand it. (It was the only thing my horrible X ever put her Controlling and Judgmental foot down about, that bitch). If you ride, your motorcycle better not be nicer than mine, I will be comparing this and everything else between us.

    Kids: I have some boring, grown up daughters who are just pains in my ass about my abandoning the Controlling and Judgmental X. I need some fresh kibble so you must have adorable little girls (no boys!) for me to cuddle and coo with and have you get your panties wet at the idea of what a great daddy I would be to your child. No, that is not creepy at all! I need little charm-bracelet sized girls to worship me and be so cute and I will love them. Until I don’t. When they are about 8-10 years old I will begin to discard them since they become so boring at that age, don’t you agree? I will bond with them and they will worship me when they are little and it will hurt like a motherfucker as I discard them. It will mess them up big time for dating trusting men. But that is not my fault. Repeat after me, “it will never be his fault!” Learn that phrase now, you will need it a lot. Can you check if Costco has spackle in 5 gallon drums?

    Income: Enough about me. You must not make more money than me. Ever. You must not make even half of what I do. You must not be successful at your job. You must have no aspirations. If you ever become a boss at your job I will think you are trying to be the boss of me even if you learn to never mention it. It will give me the sadz. Even though I am away from home 90% of the time for work and become panicked at the mere notion of a single day of not working, you must not travel for your job. If you spend any time away from me working I will become enraged in my soul but will not tell you. I will not discuss it.

    Deal Breakers: These change from day to day. That is the most important thing you must know–that you can’t ever know what I am thinking. A few hints: you must manage everything for my benefit. These include my home (see the 90% away thing), my money (the Controlling and Judgmental X was really good at making us very rich, that bitch) my pets, my back hair, my stained underwear. However, don’t ever ask me to communicate if I have the sadz. Ever. If I think you have figured out something because you think you can fix me, I will just change it up. I need to be ready to jump out of the relationship at any moment, no matter how long we are together or how much I declare my love– you must accept right now that I can deny all evidence of love or commitment. I will just pack up and leave one day when you are not looking and then blame you. Let me just lay down a foundational ILYBINILWY right now, but you can work on fixing that. Try. Get me to love you. Come on now, you can do it.

    Favorite phrase: “You are not the boss of me.”

    • Great profile Now I.C., can’t stop laughing.., “it will never be my fault,” of course not.
      and often forget that you were even talking to me at all. so funny..,

  • Man seeking woman who will tell him he is handsome and sexy but will never require him to actually show up in the bedroom. She should be independent and self-fulfilled with hobbies and interests of her own, to include housework, yard work, child rearing, vacation planning, holiday planning, taxes and investments, and general house maintenance. If she owns her own tools, that would be great. She should be supportive of my need to pursue endlessly my passions for tennis, golf, and skiing. No whining. No requests for time or attention. And she should understand that I have this one special “friend” from high school who will always come first … because guys that have long term guy friends are clearly also capable of all kinds of long term (abusive) relationships!! It’s a plus!! Text me if you find this all hard to resist … I will label your number with an interesting, vague name that no other woman would be able to identify as female or romantic … like “Steve” …

    • Too funny. But “She should be independent and self-fulfilled with hobbies and interests of her own, to include housework, yard work, child rearing, vacation planning, holiday planning, taxes and investments, and general house maintenance.” Were we all like this? Was this our way of coping with the life that we had? My ex took offense when I told the Judge that I would be keeping my last name, as it is the name of the two sons that I raised!

  • CL, my asshat was also a “collector”. He had more hobbies than Millipedes have legs! Kayaks, motorcycles, etc. Theres only one hobby that provided something good, hunting ( not because of the guns, lol) but because of the hunting dog (that never hunts), he had to have go with it. My dog who has a doctorates degree – because of course the dog had to go through extensive years of trying to “be the best”…. he is the best in my eyes though 🐕.

    Okay onto the task at hand. The profiles I ran across were on hookup sites, so I’ll spare everyone the details of that and come up with my own PG version.

    Male 45 seeks woman of any color. The younger the better, to help me deny I’m 45. Must be fit, great at giving kibbles, never questions or disagrees. Must let me dress you to make sure you adhere to the image I want to present to the world. You will be the face of normal for my secret double life.

    Now on the the best part… Mmmeeee!
    (Tune from ice age plays in His head ….
    Me, glorious me…… you’re anxious to try it
    Three banquets a day, your favorite diet!
    Just picture a mammoth ego, trusted, tried, and true
    Oh, me, wonderful me, marvelous me, glorious me!
    Me, glorious me
    Prostitute pie served young
    Broth made from my cum (sorry 🙊)
    I hate the monogamy diet!

    Super successful man, adventurous, and by that I mean I bore easily, so my perfect mate should be willing to do whatever I want, when I want! I like to throw wet towels on the floor, that you will be expected to pick up. I always have the latest gadgets because I am super hipp. My discarded items will litter every available surface, but I will not allow you to disgaurd anything, I’m super conscious of other people’s waste! I am the best at what I do, and my power means I have people tossing kibbles at my feet, but there are never enough kibbles. Kibbles are good for my environment. I drive the best car ( thinks… which I drive wrecklessly because I’m above the law), I wear the most expensive suites, but don’t let that fool you, I claim I’m super humble and of course a God fearing Christian (thinks…. actually I am the god, but you will soon find that out.) Faith is very important to me, ( I can always find a passage to reference for all the wrongs others are doing). If you are a good Christian woman ( naïve is also important) and would like to be wined and dined, fall for superficial charm ( most people do), and can be easily manipulated to believe everything I say, give me a jingle at 800 bel-ieve

    • having a lot of hobbies feels like a red flag to me now. Who is funding these hobbies? What responsibilities are you ignoring to run off and play? In principle there should be nothing wrong with hobbies but it sound like an excuse to hoard crap and ditch the wife and kids for more fun activities.

      • Stary, you are exactly right! Hobbies are fine on moderation but when they become obsessive it is a big red flag. It’s a way of hiding from responsibilities and family and growing up! I always thought that it was a good thing BSFB had hobbies, he wasnt clingy and seemed content with life. Of course once the interest waned he was on to something else. I was too busy making a career and raising a family and looking after aging parents to participate in these hobbies, as someone had to do the real work. I see now, it was his way of avoiding engaging with spouse or kids and he got to do the stuff he wanted!
        Unfortunately some of his hobby’s participants included women and there on lay the big problem ……he just had to be part of the clique, and these people really understood his passion for can you believe, Bridge? This was the latest distraction. Yes, he loved it and loved the people and just wanted to be with all of them all the time. Of course he had found a lonely widow who was his soul mate and as a bonus, was a damn fine bridge player, to boot! How could he resist? The Bridge Whore is 75, the Moron is 68, she looks like a little old Italian lady, always in black (she’s a grieving widow don’t you know) but they have a special bond. As soon as his money runs out we see how strong the bond is. It’s embarrassing to even write this stuff. Thank God the BIG STUPID FUCKING IDIOT is out of my life! Can’t wait for the divorce to go through I’m embarrassed to think I married this clown.

  • Appearance – Pear-shaped, middle-aged woman who never dresses up or looks feminine.
    About me – I’m bubbly, friendly, confident, and outgoing..on the outside. In reality, I’m a shallow, insecure, bump-on-the-log who spends hours every day watching reality TV and surfing Facebook.
    I love to spend time with my kids, run, hike, bike, and be at the beach…in my pictures on Facebook. In reality, I lock the bedroom door so I won’t have to see the little urchins for hours, I have great running clothes and gear, and when we go to the beach I’ll spend the whole time watching TV.
    I also appear to have a self-deprecating humble sense of humor…in all the posts I write on social media.
    I have lots of friends, especially male “friends.” Especially when their wives aren’t around. I need the attention constantly to boost my miserable self-esteem. I just need to talk with them, text them, and have them do me favors as much as possible.
    But my favorite person in the whole world is really…me! She’s really the only person that matters, here.
    I’m a very religious person, except I don’t go to church on certain days, pretty much all those ending in “y.”

    What I want to do on my first date – Buy me an expensive meal, then fool around in the car behind the dumpster in the back of the restaurant.

    What I’m looking for – Someone to shower me with attention in secret, so I can get attention and feel the thrill of being bad. Preferably, he should already be married or have a significant other, so I can feel superior to the other woman. I really want someone tall, attractive, and fit, but I’ll boink short, bald, and fat if he pays enough attention to me.
    He should really appreciate someone who is awesome at impression management, because you are what you appear to be on Facebook (mostly)!
    He should also have lots of friends for me to befriend, too. Then, I will text them and chat with them on social media, too, followed by going to dinner together and being alone in my room.
    He should also not ask too many questions.

    • I know this woman.., she lives two doors down from me.
      Also, now a good “friend” of X who at one time made fun
      of her but as time went on he grew to appreciated her.
      Right after X moved out I understand they were enjoying morning coffee together.
      Before X there were many other men having issues with their ignorant, incapable, unappreciative wives.
      So what’s a girl to do??? comfort them of course!!!

  • As I read through these talented entries, I find myself collecting favorite words and phrases!!

    boink
    firm assed woman
    ethical nonmonogamy

    A final entry at the end of the day using all these wonderful cherry-picked words might be in order!!

    • loved “ethical nonmonogamy”. Mine was trying to push pluralism on me by making me feel guilty that I “just wasn’t cool enough” to want it. Funny thing is, anyone who has been in a plural relationship has broken up quick!

  • 53 year old sociopathic narcissist, 5′ 7″ tall (on a good day)with severe erectile dysfunction seeks women (yes plural LOL) for fun times & hours of sexting. Will actually devote more time to this than my business….lucky you. Not too fussy about looks or state of your intelligence in fact not too clever preferred to help make me shine. I love dogs (actually hate them really but will pretend for as long as I need to. Don’t you girls just love giving attention to your mutts when it should be going on me).

    Income? Don’t ask. Bankrupt twice but what the hell. Its great fun spending six figure sums with no explanation but chase is on when it comes to child support.

    Loved by everyone and such a clever wit in fact I’m always saying would be brilliant at stand up comedy. It gave my STBXW a good laugh anyway and who needs a personality.
    Who could resist?

  • 51 year old baby bird with broken wing in search of vulnerable woman or women who will devote all their time and effort to loving me.

    Me: 5’9” exactly, but stronger than you think. Looks fit but eats mostly junk food supplemented by copious amounts of beer, tequila, whiskey, bourbon, or whatever the alcohol choice of the moment might be. Chronic hip and back complaints treated with endless doctor/chiropractor visits but will never improve. Mostly bald but beautiful (don’t you know I have great head shape – why hide it?) Capable of playing golf for 8 hours at a stretch. Fabulous karaoke singer (when I stay in my range) with endless knowledge of lyrics that I will use in place of any thoughts or feelings I should have but don’t. Escaped impoverished, neglectful, abusive background to make a six figure salary that I can use to help all the destitute family members back home like Daddy Warbucks. Aren’t I great?

    You: Must be “fit and active,” unless I’d like to hold your lack of fitness over your head. Can’t be too pretty – low self-esteem preferred. Must be self-sacrificing. Must be willing to spend hours telling me about my mad golfing skills (though I’ve never broken 80), how great my singing is, and what big muscles I have. Cannot appreciate anyone else’s skills or attributes in any of those categories. Must be willing to overlook my distant, strained relationship with my sons. Must be able to tolerate stilted conversations and resist the urge to talk about your work or passions too much. Must be soft-hearted, needy, or gullible (or all three). Must be willing to tolerate late night circular arguments, long periods without sex or affection, dangerous driving, endless criticism, regular silent treatments/disappearances, and my perpetual search for something better.

    Are you the one that can save me? I’m sure you can if you just try hard enough.

  • Age: Let me project onto you what you think my age should be and then I’ll fight with you about how you’re so typical of all other women and won’t tell me your age and how age doesn’t matter, but it does too and blah, blah blah. Let’s just say, I’m old enough to live with my parents again. Think George from Seinfeld.

    Height: Tall. Dark. Handsome. Mysterious. Bad boy. But don’t let me put words in your mouth.

    Income: I love it when a woman works hard for me. In fact, I love it so much that I let her do all the work. She’s the butcher, baker and candlestick maker and I reward her with beratement and belittlement. Every. Single. Day. Trust me, I’m a great critic.

    Me? I’m above working. I’m still finding out who I am, living with my parents again and going back to school because I dream of someday making it big as a composer. You don’t need to tell me that the composing industry is dead – I’ve already written that paper, in college. But this is my calling in life. That and finding a woman to bankroll the project. Investment, love banking.

    Interests: Think Jack Torrance – from the Shining – yeah, that’s me. I sit around on my computer all day, in my office that you pay for, and look up bull shit reasons to exist, use women and fine tune or overhaul my morality, depending on my mood. Misanthropic, asshole is what some see me as. The fact that you feel like an object when we have sex is your problem. I care. You just have a hard time seeing that because it’s not the way you want to be cared for.

    I’m into music. I have that degree. I compose and stuff. I play an instrument when the mood strikes. I manipulate sound on my really expensive computer with really expensive monitors, keyboard, microphones and software that my X paid for. But if you were to ask me to compose something for you, I can’t. I don’t do muses. I don’t do anything that anyone else wants me to do. I must be true to my art. It defines me in every way.

    What I’m Looking For: If you’re that girl that I was going to marry in college and you got away, I’m really looking for you. But I’ll go through any and all other women to make sure that you are not in fact my college sweetheart. Realize that I challenge you to be like her. She is extraordinary. We may end up together someday, my college flame and I, but for now, you’ll do.

    Contact: You will be responsible to pursue me. I’m really into that. I like being the center of women’s universes. I’m my ex-college-girlfriend’s (who is now married with kids) North Star. Seriously. If you don’t nab me up, some other girl will. Get on it, or you’ll miss out.

  • Age: I’m younger than I look.

    Height: I’m taller than I look.

    Weight: I lost 60 pounds a few years ago. That’s why I look older.

    Interests: Cars I used to own that XW #2 made me sell. Making me truck loud. Driving my truck, especially when its loud and people notice me. Fixing things, especially if I have an audience. Showing that although I have zero training, I am an expert in roofing, plumbing, electrical work, home construction, painting, masonry work, decorating, using complicated heavy equipment and mathematical calculation, especially if I have an audience. I like comic book movies and rock “hair bands” from the 70s. I will pretend to like what you like, until you get to know me.

    I was a HS star and tried college twice but I preferred working for myself. I had two very successful business that were destroyed by ex-wives and family members. I’ve held lots of jobs, where I was always the best employee and the person who knew how to do everything right. But I’ve never found a job that truly allowed me to show my greatness, including the one I have now.

    What I’m looking for: A woman who will make me feel great about myself. Has to be shorter than I am but I prefer heavy women with low self-esteem, who will be grateful to me. Relationships with bright, fit, and educated women don’t last because they expect too much from me. Must be fine with my wardrobe, which consists of Walmart jeans and sweatshirts in blue or black. Must have your own home and no objection to my living in the house I weaseled out of my aging mother. Because you won’t be the boss of me. The perfect woman is married or separated and doesn’t mind keeping things on the down low.

    Contact: Hit me up on secret FB chat.

    • Height
      Close to six feet. Shoe size 11
      Weight
      160
      Slim Build.
      Age: sixty

      Interests:
      Flexible, if you have a dog I’ll be a dog person.
      If you have a grandchild I’ll let them call me papa.
      I live to dream. Wish I had a collection of classic cars. Wish I could be a drummer in a band. I have a huge set. I wish I had a surf board. Once I took scuba diving lessons. I tried to be a realtor and took classes six times. I like realestate. If you have a home near a beach and a beach pass I’m already in love. I have a cooler. We can sit and drink beer while I get s tan. I love presents especially sandals for the beach.

      Drive me home in your car. I love to look at women an scenery while you drive.

      I have a business! My truck is old. I’ll split the bills snd focus on saving for our future together. For real!

      I’m a good guy. I need someone to support my single life. I’m no longer married. I get free health insurance and did I say I look like Ken. I’m a catch for the needy.

      A lack of looks, intelligence, and low income are things I settled for when I dumped my wife and family and hooked up with my current needy partner. She rages and there’s no future in the needy.

      So if you want to give the impression you have a good guy I’d like to hook up anywhere any time while she’s working.

      My looks do come with a price. A catch like me will make your friends envious. Size shouldn’t matter. Yes, I wet the bed and you might get tangled in my heating pad but I look like Ken! I’m like a teenager, dig getting drunk, and high at the casino. You can sit on my lap. If your a tired bar whore no worries. I’ll make you look good. Yes inches is only a number. I’ll move in with you and get wasted. It’ll be cool.

      Contact

      Call or text my second business line. We can meet on the beach, get drinks and you can drive me around.

  • Age: 47
    Height: about 6′
    Weight: 180

    Interests: Computers, obscure programming trends, porn, and webcam chats. Also enjoy hiking and clone-teleportation where I can be in both the place I say I will be and another place, maybe a state or two away, at the same time. I also enjoy talking about how incredibly brilliant I am and how annoying it is to deal with all the stupid, little people of the world who misspell a word in a document or don’t perfectly align text entry boxes on user interfaces.

    What I am looking for: A woman who will tell me how awesome I am. You should be needy, think I am completely brilliant, and send me romantic love notes reminiscing about how much you enjoyed secret meetups and parking lot BJs. You should enjoy making up cute pet names for ourselves from literature neither of us ever bothered to read. A big plus is if you are jealous and stalk my wife. She is my “mind-mate” and probably way smarter than you but we have mis-matched libidos so I value your ability to be available on-demand for webcam sessions or meet up for romantic getaways to little out-of-the-way places with probably clean sheets, where you can tell me my wife is crazy to not see how hot and sexy I am. It is a huge plus if you don’t want to talk about yourself, or if you do, only tell me how much better I am than everyone you know.

  • Age: Ready to retire, but numbers don’t matter. I expected to be dead before now, so I didn’t save or treat my body well.

    Height: Baby, I’m almost 6′ tall with my shoes on. Weight varies by 80#, depending on my marital status.

    Income: I am a dedicated federal employee, selflessly serving to support vulnerable people improve themselves based on my advice and my permission and my granting of the resources. It’s such a shame so many of my clients are too selfish and lazy to follow my advice exactly, so I have to cut off their resources. My supervisor is out to get me, just like every job I’ve ever had. I actually want to start my own business, let me tell you all my great ideas. But we don’t have to talk about my ideas if you have enough retirement savings to support me (oops, I mean both of us) in the style I expect to be come accustomed to, think moving goal posts.

    Interests vary with people I’m seeking kibbles from. After the love bombing secures my access to your finances, I will use my psychology degrees and decades of personal therapy to figure out what you especially fear and pursue those interests. Because kibbles come from any emotional expression. I love drama.

    I buy lots of cheap electronics and motorcycle stuff, then spend my weekends on the phone yelling at customer service representatives about my unmet expectations. I self soothe with nearly constant video games on my phone.

    Everything that comes to ME is precious, so I never throw anything away, including mail, packaging, and broken things.

    I’m looking for an attractive woman who accepts me without question, who looks good to people I think are my friends. You must give blow jobs on demand, no matter my hygiene, because I have a little ED.

    What’s yours is ours and what’s mine is mine.

  • I am a successful man. My age isn’t important because I am that successful. If you google me on the internet, you will see lots of pictures of me doing important work and charitable stuff. Just to let you know, if we get together, I will be traveling about 90% of the time for my very important job. My business trips often extend into the weekend. Do not ask me where I am, when I am leaving or when I will be back and do not contact my secretary with these questions either, as she already has enough on her plate. Do not ask if you can go with me when I travel, as I will be working too much and too hard, and I do not want you shirking your responsibilities at home. In addition, even when I am home from travel, I will have important meetings and dinners to attend, often in the evenings and on the weekends. Sorry, I won’t be able to pre-coordinate these with you in order for you to have time to yourself. Do not touch my cell phones or computer, or try to use them. If we are out somewhere and your phone runs out of charge and you need a phone to use, we can find a pay phone. God forbid you should borrow mine. When I park my pristinely-cleaned expensive car in the garage, the car will be locked. If you want to use it, you ask me and I will give you a key. You may use your sturdy, practical car for the messy kid transport and day to day hauling. My employer has provided me with an apartment in another city close to the employer’s home office. You do not get a key to it. Your job is to take care of the house and pets, raise the kid, take off work for child illness, go to the vet, doctor, dentist, parent teacher meetings, children’s athletic events, kids’ concerts alone, deal with any children’s suicide attempts alone. However I will expect you to send me pictures or video if the child scores a goal or has a solo in the concert. If you travel for your job, you must make sure there is sufficient food in the fridge for the babysitter and arrange for child care, home care and pet care, even if there is a possibility that I may be home during some of the time you are gone. If I travel, you understand that I must be able to leave without having to make any advance arrangements because I am THAT IMPORTANT. Just be grateful that you are married to such an important guy. If we go on a family vacation, you will be responsible for taking out the trash, arranging to have the mail stopped, taking the dog to the kennel, and making sure the child’s needs are addressed and all necessities packed. However, you do not have to pack my stuff, I can do that. If you work full-time as a professional, your career still takes a back seat. If you quit your job, however, and cave in to the incredible pressures put on working moms to spend more time with their young kids, you will not be in as good of a position when the child goes to college and I decide you are of no use to me any more.

  • Age: mental, or actual? actual age – 40s. mental age – 2 or 16 depending on whether i’m feeling like a sleep-deprived tantrum-y toddler or a hostile teenager that day.

    Height: Tall. So you can look up to me as I deserve, because I’m just that special.

    Weight. I have a Greek godlike figure. Just don’t ask me which Greek god….

    Income: You’ll be working. I don’t like having to work for people who are not as smart as me, and that’s everyone. Also, I find boring things to be unfulfilling and since it’s all about ME, the entire world should make sure that I’m constantly fulfilled. Also, work would cut into my time to make “friends”.

    Interests:

    – Leaving dirty socks on the floor because the hamper is just too far away and my chair is comfy
    – Making vague promises about being helpful, and then getting supremely irritated when I’m actually expected to deliver (while blaming you for being resentful when I fail to deliver)
    – Planning sparkly surprises that make me look good to others and talking about them for years (remember that time I surprised you with a trip overseas that you paid for with the money you earn working at that job thing? wasn’t that awesome? aren’t I awesome?? tell me more about ME)
    – Feeling underappreciated because no one is fanning me with a giant leaf and feeding me grapes and massaging my feet and having sex with me at this exact moment. What do you mean you don’t feel like it? Sheesh, just because you work and do all of the housework and handle all of the boring things (because I don’t find them fulfilling) and pick up my dirty socks…. And what do you mean, it would be nice if someone massaged your feet sometime? Don’t you know it’s all about ME???

    What I’m looking for:

    – Someone who shares my fascination with the most important person in the world – ME
    – Someone who will do all of the housework, all of the income earning, and a huge percentage of the childcare, while never losing sight of how lucky she is to have ME
    – Someone who understands that I am always right. Even if I am not right, I am still right until I decide that I may have made a mistake, at which point, I’m right for having figured that out all by myself.
    – Someone who makes me look good to everyone else, and keeps any disappointments well hidden. Note that this (like everything else) will not be reciprocal – I’ll feel free to make up stories about how much you suck behind your back after I make a special “friend” (which I’ve only been forced to do because you have failed to properly appreciate the glory that is ME), but you will be expected to continue to speak well of me even after you find out that the special “friend” is someone else that I’m fucking.
    – Someone who appreciates my complex and fabulous self, and who will do anything to keep even a small piece of my specialness even after discovering that I’m cheating. Dance for me, bitch!

    My deal breaker:
    – Failure to accept that the world revolves around ME and that what I want is always the best result for everyone because I’m that much better and smarter and more ethically evolved than anyone else, plus when I’m happy, the world is a better place and clearly my happiness should matter more to you than anything else because ME.

    • ‘Someone who understands that I am always right. Even if I am not right, I am still right until I decide that I may have made a mistake, at which point, I’m right for having figured that out all by myself.'”
      LOL!! Sounds like the Traitor.

  • Alexithymic hacker genius seeks mature, empathic female of any age to provide emotions for me to pretend I have (but 17-year-olds without a conscience are okay too) (also relatives). Desire to lead a secret life and play footsies under the game table while my wife has her hand on my knee is a definite plus. You will never feel more loved than you do with me. I have evidence of this in writing. Come knock on my office door.

  • 40 year old man seeking soul mate. I am such a romantic guy, let me tell you! (And I will) 16 years ago I wrote a poem and I enjoy cooking only for myself a couple times a year. I love to be massaged and sleep on the floor alone. I am such a cuddler but prefer to cuddle with my snakes. My testosterone is low so I don’t want to have sex but once a year when it does happen I will get mine and say “thank you” then go to sleep.

    My Future soulmate will be passionate about hobbies. Hobbies should include vacuuming, taking the trash out, cleaning, paying bills, and laundry. Most importantly she will automatically care about my hobbies and do them for me.

    My soulmate is a woman who doesn’t want a family and hopefully her own family is dead or out of the picture because no one wants in laws. (Haha! I make this joke a lot!) It will be easier for me to be the center of your universe if you are alone in the world. Must be willing to give up friendships because I won’t like any of them. We will only spend time with my one friend because no one else I meet is good enough to be friends with.

    I am such a wonderful person at work, Everyone loves me! I help disabled people because I am awesome and need a woman who can appreciate this everyday. Literally I need verbal praise for my job performance and understanding why I am too tired to get off the couch and have a life.

    My hobbies include buying tools I don’t use and complaining about how hard my job is. I also hike once a decade, have a motorcycle that I will get around to fixing someday. My hobbies are important because I get really sad and spending money on hobbies makes me feel successful. Everyday I save the world one person at a time by arguing with people on reddit about political issues.

    My soulmate must have a good paying job to help support my hobbies and high expectations for a home. I am high maintaince. You can’t have an awesome guy like me for free! My awesome job doesn’t actually pay enough to live on but again I need praise for how wonderful my job is.

    Women should be seen working but not heard. Please just ask me for who to vote and what to believe in, I know best.

  • I am a nice guy looking for an open relationship, my X divorced me after I survived cancer. I am sad that she filed for divorce and I don’t know why she just couldn’t keep supporting me and letting me spend thousands on strip clubs, happy endings, escorts and dating sites. Anyway, enough about that ungrateful bitch, back to me. I am tall and a really good guy. Looking forward to sharing my apartment with you; I won’t ever get married again or buy a house. If you are willing to make me look like a normal guy when I am around my family, while I nap at family functions, I will clean up after you make us dinner . You must be willing to have sex anytime I want and be ok with snuggling until I need to watch porn by myself or check my Ashley Madison and Tinder accounts. I really enjoy blow jobs so I hope you’re ok giving lots of them. Because I am such a good guy, please look like a normal woman because I have two kids. But don’t worry about my kids, you can move in immediately and we’ll just tell them you really live with a friend, because they don’t want to meet my girlfriend(s) or live with her (obviously they’ve been brainwashed by my bitch of an ex, you know, the one who divorced me after cancer.) Just know that I am tall, such a good guy, a bit of a geek and as I told my daughters, I have lots of love to share and I want to share that with lots of women ((seriously! Those words came out of his mouth)). If you think you’d like to have some tall, dark and handsome, send me a sext and I’ll respond. Can’t wait to meet up! Remember that I’m a really, really good guy! -Boyscout42

  • Age: 40s. Can’t deal with typical changes that occur as one ages.
    Height: 5’ ish
    Income: what does it matter as long as one has credit!
    Interest: New found interest in thrills. Skydiving etc…… no cooking or cleaning. Just barroom fun!
    Looking for: Anyone who will give me attention. Recently discovered that I am a bucket list item for 20-30s. If you are searching for a cougar, I’m your gal! If you tell me how sexy I am, you will be able to check the box in your list! Don’t worry, if u don’t have the cash, I will pay for your room! Oh and no pesky condoms!
    Contact: just ask, I will give anyone my number, Facebook profile. Wether you are 20 or 50. Bar whore or just a young guy looking to get laid. I’m available 24/7. Keep my phone under my pillow!

  • Micromanaging thrill-seeker looking for role-filling fuck hole, (preferably with a nice ass, cause that’s the only thing I’ll be looking at when we fu…er, “make love.”)
    Must be wiling to forego all hobbies, strong opinions, educated guesses/input, and boundaries, in effort to stroke my fragile ego and take care of boring daily responsibilities.
    My hobbies come before all else; so anything you are interested in, must not become an inconvenience to me or my agenda. Holding me to my word also makes me very uncomfortable and skittish.
    I get bored easily; change my mind like I change underwear, and have a penchant for no longer wanting something once I’ve achieved having it.
    I don’t mind if you are unemployed or have no income, as I live a lavish lifestyle on endless borrowed cash and I.O.U.’s. This is only permissible as long as you exist to serve me and pretzel twist to do things the right way, (my way.)
    Oh, and please don’t expect to accompany me on vacations, or for me to accompany you with your family obligations or holidays.
    Did I mention I’m probably the studliest, best looking, most generous Christian guy around?

  • You: Slim, fit, blonde, Victoria’s Secret is YOU! Age between 26 to 35, no children (must be ready to travel!)
    Me: 5’9″, ready to run, no entanglements, just reaching the Age of Perfection. Come ride into the sunset in my ‘Vette.

    (Of course, he neglects to mention the thinning hair with the drastic comb over or the “classic” pickup with the primered fender or the fact that he lives in a one room studio apartment. Nor does he admit to hogging the remote and watching TV in the dark ALL THE TIME).

    Be aware that if you want to associate with family you’ll need to do it by yourself because he’s a hermit.

    Never let the laundry go or forget to do the dishes, either, because he’s a stickler for someone else keeping the house tidy.

  • I have never actually been on a dating site, his or mine, so I don’t really know how this works. I also doubt he would ever go on a dating site because it would be beneath him, but I will give this a shot anyway. Of course this is more honest than he would ever be:

    I am the perfect man looking for the perfect woman. I don’t feel that I should have to compromise my standards to be in a relationship and neither should you. If you are perfect then don’t you deserve the perfect man? I deserve the perfect woman, but it is up to you to figure out what that means to me. If it’s really love, then you will learn how to read my mind because that is what people who love each other do. I will be able to read your mind too because you will want whatever I think you should want.

    I am tall, handsome and well-groomed and I expect the same of my partner. If you aren’t tall and don’t have good fashion sense (as defined by me) then I just don’t mean that much to you and we shouldn’t be together. I am well-mannered and will treat you well as long as you show me the deference I am due. Don’t worry, there will be a 1-2 year grace period on that when I am willing to do most of the admiring and accommodating before I expect a return on my investment of ten times what I put in during those first few years.

    I have three great kids. They are not perfect, but that is my ex wife’s fault. She is a wonderful mother, in fact that is about the only good thing I can say about her, but she didn’t do a very good job of raising our kids. In any case, I love my kids but I am willing to neglect them in pursuit of hot sex. If you have kids too, I will admire you for that, the more the better, as long as you are willing to neglect them in your pursuit of me.

    My interests will be whatever interests you have early in our relationship. Eventually, I will lose interest in whatever it is you want to do but I will resent it if you expect me to plan and execute all of our dates and/or vacations. If you love me and we are meant to be together, however, you will figure out what my likes are, even if they are constantly changing, and set up dates to do the things I enjoy.

    I am always late, but that is only because perfection takes time and I want to be perfect for you. Plus, if you are always waiting on me, then I will never have to wait on you and then I won’t have to resent you for that so it is a win win really. Meanwhile, I like it when you pine for me wondering when I am going to show up because it shows you care. Just don’t give me a hard time about it or tell me you were worried because then you will be “mothering” me.

    I am looking forward to meeting that perfect woman who will appreciate me for being the perfect man and will always be kind to me and put me first no matter what and will be woman enough to never give me an excuse to not be kind and loving in return so that I can always feel good about myself. Will you be that woman?

  • Height =:A fabulous 5′ 10
    Looking for a woman who will give me lots of attention in return Ill give her gropes and wet sloppy kisses. Im a “collector” (see chump lady above) so be prepared to have endless packages arrive in the mail and we’ll be shopping on the weekend, not for you. I also collect women. Interests – playing games on my phone, shopping on my phone, texting on my phone. If you have interests I might do them but be prepared to hear how much I hate them, or how the experience couldve been better or how Ill never do them again. I like sight seeing. I like taking photos because I am an artiste! If you want to take photos Ill slow down enough for you to roll down the window and snap away! Do not ask me to stop. I grew up on a farm, so I like pets. Not really, I rage at them all the time. Sexually Im looking for someone who likes anal sex, lots of it. My ex wouldnt do it with me so thats a must! Ill stay married and you can be my Secret, Special Girl Friend.

    • Oh my God the cellphone. Cheater wife on the cell phone all the time. Social media, video games, celebrity gossip, erection dick pics from her massage therapist (found that one out later). But always on that damn cell phone.

  • Here would be The Evil One’s:

    Age: 39, with a child-like heart, and mischievous
    (Translation: I’m an immature, childish malignant Narcissist that is constantly trying to get “payback” or one Iver on someone else)

    Height: 6’0″, built like a potato, think a saggy, Johnny Bravo blub- dick-do and everything (my stomach sticks out longer than my dick), skin tabs running up along both inner thighs

    Income: Now that I *have* to work and provide my own insurance and benefits, I never make enough for my worth in my mind. When I finally found a great-paying job, I abandonded my wife and child so I could keep all of my wealth with me…got fired a year later , and still have to pay the same amount of child support, no matter how much less I make now…I’ve never been able to find a job that appreciates my value and no one sees my true skills

    Interests: Buying shit for hobbies that never hold my interest long… Gem, stone collecting; puzzles that exercise my brain, computers, tricking out my old Shit-erado, now my F*cker-150, cars, clothes — though my favorite is my assortment of DILLIGAF shirts, wedding rings, watches, knives (I’m a convicted felon, can’t have guns)

    I only have my GED courtesy of the state correctional facility, because I decided to drop out of high school two weeks before h.s. graduation rather than honor my commitment to the military. I hope you don’t think I’m dumb or anything, even though you have advanced degrees, I’m actually wayyyyy smarter than the average bear.

    I don’t like social events or gatherings because others can’t see me for the amazing human I am, but for some reason they think my now-ex-wife is the shit… when I take over conversations about me, they don’t laugh at my jokes and shit, I get offended and cut them off out of my life, and will expect you to do too.

    I enjoy sending out my wish-lists for Christmas and my birthday and expect everyone to give me everything you want, especially you you lucky woman, you! I am awesome as a gift-giver. I once gave my then-wife a mouse pad for Christmas, a (sex toy) for her birthday one year. Dunno why, but she didn’t seem happy with gifts…

    I like long drives away, especially for overnights. I enjoy seeing my friends, but don’t plan on meeting them, I keep everyone in my world apart so they can’t compare notes

    What I’m looking for: Big boobs. Blonde hair. Innocent, naive, trusting from the jump, afraid to confront me on any of my lies I get found out on… faithfulness, utter devotion no matter how much of an ass I make out of myself, someone that never questions me… have kids without active dads? Awesome, I can’t deal with some other dude interfering with my take over. I LOVE KIDS, especially neuro-typical ones, can’t handle any one that doesn’t jump when I say, or anyone I have to compromise or negotiate with- I’m the only child in the house that deserves all the attention).

    Contact: I’ll call you. I can only hide in the bathroom so long from Mrs. Dumb-Ass (my current wife). I have multiple emails and nicknames so it’s never easy for me to keep up.

    • I also am looking for a woman that enjoys picking my zits, pimples, blackheads on my back, and I vape. I have a vast collection of Vapes that I collect.

  • Look at me, look at me, look at me!! Me, me, me! Wait — stop staring at me and give me some privacy. Don’t invade my privacy! Hey, what are you doing looking at something else?? Look. At. Me. I. Am. Special. I own lots of very nice things and my parents have lots (LOTS!) of money, but I won’t be sharing that with you. If you expect to have the privilege and joy of dating me, you will have to pay attention – close attention, all the time – so you anticipate and respond correctly to my every whim. But if I think you’re looking at me too hard or too long, I will shut the door in your face so you can’t see me. I. Am. Magic. Poof! Here I am! Poof. There I go! Can you find me? You have to find me. If you don’t find me, then you don’t deserve me. You have to chase me. If you don’t chase me, you don’t love me. Hey! Stop coming after me! I need my space!

  • My ex-wife’s ad should include:

    “I’m seeking a sophisticated gentleman who can appreciate a lady with a nice body. My toned physique is harder than a brick outhouse.”

  • Age: old enough to know better (but I don’t)
    Appearance: Very overweight but I don’t like to be reminded of it so when I see fat people on TV I call them fat lazy cunts, but I’m not one of them. So I can still stuff my face. I steal children’s Christmas chocolates. I don’t like to shower… I smell great, you stink.
    Education: I believe I have 3 degrees and like to brag about them. I studied at Uni, yay me! I did first year accounting and dropped out, I tried medicine and dropped out. I have an Ag Science MSc and I dropped out of my PhD 6 months before finishing and blamed my first ex wife for it, although I’d left her 4 years earlier. I also blamed my supervisor. I retrained to be a school teacher but dropped out 2 months before graduating and finally getting a job! Yay me again!! I told my course supervisor it was to pursue my political career, I was running for the city council. Now I blame that bitter old bitch Kiwichump. It’s all her fault. And my first wife’s fault, whatever.
    Anyway degrees are meaningless and academics are people who know a lot about very little. That’s why I’ve spent most of my adult life as a student pursuing these worthless qualifications.
    Politics: Name the party left of centre and I’ve been in and out of it a couple of times. I am racist but I can say whatever I want about Polynesians, Chinese, Maori, because I am a quarter Samoan. I also hate the English because I am a quarter Irish. Please do not remind me that I am also a quarter English. I am training my fourth son to be a good little racist too. I am proud to say he hates the Chinese even though he doesn’t know any. I am just awesome.
    Interests: Changing my diet, my hobbies, and my principles to mirror whoever is the squeeze of the moment.
    Finances: I don’t believe in money and banks (the banksters), so I’ve never saved, never held on to a job, never bought a house. I owe $80,000 in student loans. How much do you have? I believe in YOUR money, I believe you owe me lots of it. I’ll soon run out of the money I extorted from that bitter old bitch Kiwichump.
    Habits: I love to come home from a hard day working a couple of hours, eat my dinner on my lazyboy and dig for ear wax with the handle of my fork. I like to burp loudly at the table. My farts don’t stink but yours do. Got a problem with that? You must be asexual.
    Intimacy: I could have sex every day several times a day. I am so infatuated with my dick that I talk endlessly about how erect it is compared to men my age. So I must see a lot of dicks belonging to men my age. But how…?
    My idea of intimacy is having a shower every few days when I want sex, no washing the rest of the time, then complaining that I don’t get enough sex. (But I set the pace by deciding when I shower…)
    Whatever, it’s your fault anyway. I believe I am meant to be a serial monogamist. Ask my mistress.
    Kids: I have four sons. I love them. My first wife is an evil bitch who wouldn’t let me take my 3 eldest 350kms away to live with me and wifetress while I was still studying for my PhD and travelling overseas for my research. I was discriminated against because I am a man and the system is biased against fathers. It’s my first wife’s fault I dropped out of the PhD when the wifetress got pregnant and didn’t want to interrupt her studies and I wanted to be a house dad and stop paying child support… Oooops… My fourth son with the wifetress is my favourite. The others, not so much. Whenever they displease me, it’s because they take after their mother. I can never remember their birthdays, and I trained them to think this is one of dad’s endearing quirks. Yay me!!!
    I am a catch, are you worthy of me? Are you the kind of woman who would look good on my arm and not embarrass me when I hobnob with the powerful, one day, when I am the great man I know I was born to be?

  • Let’s see if I can do this:

    33 year old male, overweight but very attractive, great job that I will complain about constantly, makes great money but will only spend it on me. While it did take me 7 years to finish college, I do have a college degree so I am very smart.

    I love bowling, fishing, and golf. I will devote all my time and attention to one until I begin to lose and will then rotate to another. Gambling is my most favorite past time…..when I win. If losing, please understand that I just need a little more money to get back on track.

    I’m available anytime except for the 8 hours a week I spend with my daughter who I abandoned two weeks after she was born. I am OCD but as long as you do what my OCDs are we will get along just fine. I promise it’s not complicated and I will be sure to teach you how to do everything just right. I am a manager at work so I know how to manage people quite well. I will make you feel like the luckiest girl in the world becuase I will want you with me at all times. Even when I go get a haircut I will want you to go with me to sit in the waiting area. But please understand that when you need me I can’t always be there. For instance, if you need a jug of milk, please try to prepare ahead of time and buy it when it is convienent for you. Because most likely I won’t be able too, and I wouldn’t want to make you feel bad that you know you really should have left work earlier yesterday to buy it yourself.

  • “I’m a sophisticated lady, looking for a sophisticated man….you know, the ones who like to text pictures of their dicks. Just their dicks. I don’t give a shit about your car, hobbies, house, nor especially your money….I have a chump husband who works his ass off, so I have plenty of money. I just want dick pics. Lots of dick pics. I adore dick pics. I collect them on my phone. Big dicks, little dicks, skinny dicks, dicks with warts…I don’t care: I LOVE DICK PICS!!!!”

  • Passive aggressive whiny manchild seeks competent, determined woman to manage his emotional labor. I’ll put you in uncomfortable situations, leaving you for hours with the friends from high school who treat you weirdly, or my dysfunctional family, while I zone out. Do you have endless energy to devote to untangling my fucked up skeins? Can you listen to me whine for hours about things reasonable people leave in the past? Can you appreciate my special talent for nursing old grudges? I hope you will appreciate all the details I’ll divulge about my exes. You’ll feel like you know them all, even ones I no longer see or hear from!. It takes a special woman to understand that none of the solutions you offer so helpfully will ever be good enough to stop my moping. I won’t change one bit of the behavior that’s making me miserable. Watching you try to make me happier is the best, absolute top shelf pick-me-dance!

    Secretly afraid to walk alone into a bar, restaurant, movie theater, club etc and sit down. One reason why I always have a girlfriend, even ones I don’t like very much. Plus I only pretend to like to travel–I’m actually a homebody who whines if not sleeping in his own bed.

  • For real every profile he has on anything on the net is like a promo for him.
    His AirBnB profile I saw the other day (we have an investment property I manage through AirBnB and his account is attached) says:
    “Tall adventurous excited about life and full of positive energy”
    Even though he is in a “committed” relationship with the OW he is always on the make. He doesn’t even realise how lame it sounds. The kids and I had a good belly laugh.

    I also had the “privilege” of seeing his elite singles dating profile, after the first DDay, while on Marriage Police duty 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
    He had deleted all other evidence on other sites.
    I can laugh about it now but I know I was livid at the time. All just a load of very fresh dog turd. So glad Meh has arrived. Hope your all having a fabulous start to the weekend where ever you are in the world Chump nation. Sending massive Jedi hugs 🤗 to those just starting out. ❤️

  • Age: 59, but I look decades younger as my ex-wife supported me financially for the last 13 years of marriage and I only worked sporadically in the 5 years preceding

    Height: 6’2″

    Income: I don’t know who is hiring. I don’t have transportation. I haven’t had a physical job for years and I am older now. I’ve never had any experience in office work.

    Interests: Watching sports and war movies on TV for hours. Asking people what the capital cities are for various states. Checking the dates on coins to see if they might be worth more than their face value. I am a connoisseur of the female form and have been known to pay homage to especially attractive women by staring at them a little longer than I should.

    What I am looking for: A woman who appreciates the effort I have put into cultivating my humble persona and is willing to show me the appreciation that is my due. A woman who will give me her trust, believing every word I saw without question. Ladies, one call does it all. If you are ISO a zipless fuck, casual and uncommitted is my forte. If you seek commitment, please respond with annual income, car make and model and address.

    Mantra: Variety is the spice of life.

  • I will give this a try. My-ex is the writer having just published an opinion piece about himself in the local paper featuring an epiphany about how to live life he received moments after proposing to “the love of his life” schmoopie. He of course included his email address so the kibbles could come directly to him.

    Interests:
    Big boobs on howorkers
    Minivan sex in elementary school parking lots.
    Lesbian porn featuring rim jobs.
    Sexting all day.
    Weekly alerts to my legal team about my ex.
    Mulching

    Favorite things:
    Writing about how to live life to the fullest.
    Narc family events like Theftsmas where cousins can make each other cry by stealing gifts.
    Astroglide

    Seeking:
    Previously physically abused woman to rescue.
    Must be young, have big boobs and like it up the butt.
    Not bothered by snoring or horrendous table manners.

    • “Having published an opinion piece about himself in the local newspaper” — OK, how many narc points is that worth? Hahahaha! 😂😂

    • Hey! That’s Fucktard too! X would actively solicit small town newsies to write up and publish articles about him, his grand ol’ mighty public service job, and his very special athletic activity (where he inadvertently shared he had three kids, and both a long married “supportive” wife and “new” doubles partner-naming his fucktress ow at the time 😂). Kibbles all around. When I need a laugh I just remember that!

  • Worm looking for loser…..I mean lover….Me? I’m not important. My heart has been broken. Dare I say I have been devasted and robbed of my worldly goods. You alone can save me. All women are crazy (translation-angry with me for screwing them over) but you? You can fix all of that because you are special. And we are special together…..
    Your responsibilities;
    Having “reality based discussions”
    Agreeing with me always
    Mind reading
    Catering to my every whim
    Lawn mowing
    Laundry
    House keeping
    Snow shoveling
    Cooking
    Making yourself scarce when I’m talking to other women
    Sewing
    Household repairs
    Accounting
    Plumbing
    Listening to long tirades and tantrums
    Walking on eggshells
    Taking responsibility for my mistakes
    Earning money
    Coping with my hoarding
    Cleaning without touching any of MY
    Looking fantastic
    Oral sex on demand
    Able to tolerate a lot of alone time
    Able to “take a blow or two” especially because you deserve it.

    Me? I get to go to work and do whatever I want.

  • Middle age boy in a man’s body, seeking 18-22 year old woman. You must be fit and have a residence I can move in to. Don’t worry, I’ll stay out of your way while I game and surf porn 14 hours a day. Must provide me with sex at least twice a day, flat on you back with your legs together for maximum tightness, and no complaints about my deep gingivitis halitosis directly in your face during the act.

    Please provide a diaper pail for my shit filled underwear, as I poop my pants whenever I fart.

    Also, No Snoops! My privacy is very important to me!

  • I. Love. All of these!
    I don’t know if it’s just that being cheated on causes one to develop (by some necessity) a razor sharp wit, but Chumps are hilarious!
    Thank you all for the laughs…. can you believe we put up with these losers?!

  • And Astroglide! My STBX no shit ordered a crate of Astroglide from eBay! He has it hidden in glovebox, suitcases, you name it. (You never know when you might meet a hooker, or anyone else too grossed out by your lack of hygiene to require a little “assistance” with lubrication).
    When I discovered this I asked if he was running a whorehouse and he just laughed it off. Turns out he supplies hooker girlfriend and wrote it off on his taxes as a business expense!!

  • CN, To New Beginnings! Taking some creative license with our writing assignment today. #stillabitterbunny🐰😂
    His: bored middle aged employed man with money ready to move on. No longer interested in pretending to be a husband or Dad or provider. Life is short!!!! Seeking FIT chameleon like myself. Stupid works. Fit, gotta be fit! And small so I feel big! I spend a lot of time working out! Must want to blow me (and my long term marriage…up). Yours, mine, wtfever! and not give a fuck about any body, let’s play for keeps. “We were together for the children” works for me! Children okay, we can Fakebook parent! And invite them to our speedy wedding! #daysafterdivorce And be cool! Must not support them financially though. Fuck them over, just like our exes! Pretend to care! Tell them you love them but make no effort to have a real relationship. Along with FAKE, must go to the gym. Oh, must like hiking, racquetball, and unprotected sex. And new experiences! Wine, Cost Rica, travel, play, play, play, Cause in twenty eight years with ex I never had fun.
    Hers: middle aged FIT woman looking for a married man who makes a lot of money. Like three figures plus. Married cause I like triangulation and my pussy is gold #winning. #stupidasfuck. I have *had* other married men before and they promised to leave their wives and families but…it never happened. So now I am looking for a special fuckbuddy who wants to dump his wife for sex/marriage. To me. My family is tired of supporting me too cause I fuck the clientele so I need a man who will leave his wife! Better still, screw her over financially too. I know how to have fun! I am fit and need to be rescued. My pussy is gold! Fireworks, travel, vacations #reallife #mypussyisgold I have great profiles💋I am available all the time on my cell! And I will text I luuuuuuuuuv yoooooouuuuuu. Oh, all those interests your wife had that bored you to tears (reading, decorating, hot tubs, being outdoors etc) are mine too but we an reinvent them and you will love them cause….#hotnewpussy!
    I imagine this wasn’t a first affair for either one, just glad they ended up with each other. #cheaterssuck 😂

  • CHEATER DATING PROFILE FOR: Cool Mom 69

    ME: Sexy, edgy, smart–I was a National Merit Scholar (in 1982)! Hang around me for 5 minutes and I will tell you about it! Never mind that I am in my early 40s. Okay, mid-40s. All right, 50s. I’m still sexy and edgy, damn it, and have the impulse control of a 13 year-old to prove it. I’m the cool mom, letting my husband do the discipline and budgeting and all the buzz-kill stuff so I can be the cool mom to our 2 kids (Frozen pizza for breakfast!). I’m shaped like a pear, which makes sense given the eating habits of the family of hillbilly grifters I come from. But tell me I remind you of a supermodel, because I need to be praised and pleased without ceasing. And you need to mean it, because I’m smarter than you and will always know what you’re thinking and feeling, even better than you do. Did I mention I was a National Merit Scholar?

    MY HOBBIES: Starting projects. Following through? Not so much. I have closets full of unused craft supplies. I’m into bringing puppies and kittens home, though not visits to the vet. Or feeding or walks or showing affection. Also love shopping for enormous amounts of cheap clothing (I hate to wear anything twice and so never commit to quality, classic items), cheap furniture from IKEA, all the latest Apple products, and anything trendy (in 1983 it was Georgia O’Keefe and Prince–now its knitting and bibimbap!). If it sparkles and is new, I need it! Now! And I’ll be done with it 5 minutes later. Not a fan of responsibility, so don’t talk to me about routines, planning for retirement, insurance, or the maintenance of anything at all. BOR-ing!!! Hate chores and avoid laundry to the point that I would rather use a towel for a week than do a load of whites: you will be reminded of my sweet embrace every time you catch a whiff mildew from a mentally ill person on the subway! Also LOVE taking advantage of those who trust me most–what a rush! Very into things virtual, where I can be whatever I want, and you can’t know the real me. I met many of my affair partners playing World of Warcraft online. You have to be smart to reach level 80. Did I mention I was a National Merit Scholar?

    YOU: Are you 10 years younger than me, anti-social, married with small kids, miserable and have at least 3,000 hours in-game with WoW? If so, you could be my next distraction, I mean, Soul Mate! It helps if you see me as my Internet avatar, a slender and busty blue warrior princess-priest with darting red eyes, thigh-high boots, and superpowers. And also if you can lie to your family and meet me in Las Vegas or San Francisco or Chicago for weekend hookups while you’re supposedly visiting college friends. I do it! You have to be MENSA-level clever to dupe people who have pledged with their whole heart to love and trust you. But then, I’m pretty sure I’m a genius. Interesting fact about me: I was a National Merit Scholar!

    PM me now! Together we will explore an amazing and magical realm of chain restaurants, sex on particle-board furniture, video games, and ill-fitting mall lingerie! And also, talking about my SAT scores from 30 years ago!

  • Age: I’m about to turn 40, but with the maturity level of those kids you see on the show ‘Catfish’

    Height: Tall, overweight, totally uncoordinated and goofy looking and with a big butt chin, chicklet teeth and a stupid looking gelled up receding hairline. I dress in the same schoolboy outfit daily — different colored short-sleeve cotton collared shirts and khakis from Kohl’s.

    Income: Highschool diploma. I will whine all the time about how I should’ve chosen a different life and how I “chose the wrong woman” when I married my wife, despite “having other options,” and had four kids with her. I’ll probably also talk about how I hated going home “when married” (past tense bc I won’t tell you I’m married). I resent and envy all women who make more money and are more successful than me. It really brings out my self-loathing and inner hatred which makes me so miserable.

    Interests: Making up stories about my life so thst I don’t sound like such a loser. Whining about how adult food is “icky” and eating like a child, going to worship to keep up the facade of being a “good Christian man,” homophobia (I call people w rainbow stickers on their car “faggots” and I think marriage is “sacred between a man and a woman” because…Jesus (nevermind my marriage), racism, creating a double life where I can emotionally rape people out of their agency by pretending to be a single dad looking for a new wife, filming myself jerking off to send to said people, and sending pics of my kids to my new wifey prospects pretending to be “super single dad”. Oh! lately I’ve been in therapy for my personality disorder but I’ll still find time to take you out to IHOP (just don’t make me have mushrooms – eewww, they’re so “icky”!)

    What I’m looking for: Big boobs. Someone to coddle me when I get a papercut and panic that Im going to get tetanus or any other minor ailment like nasal mucus that normal people just deal with. Someone w loads of empathy so they fall for my love bombing. I also prefer vulnerable women so I can abuse, manipulate, gaslight and take advantage of easier. If this sounds like you — hit me up!

    Contact: I’ll call you. But only for 15 minutes at a time, pre-scheduled days in advance…for Tuesdays, when my wife isn’t home. Or, on the car rides home from work where I’m alone. Or when out of town for work. If you call me at night, I’ll sound shady and scared because I’m hiding from my wife. But don’t worry, I’ll text you right after and gaslight you about how you just don’t respect that I have work and “single dad” duties and then tell you how much I love you.

  • RonBurgundy basically had no friends, period. In fact that’s how he got caught cheating by our youngest daughter on the InternWhore OW. Our daughter called him when InternWhore was out of town and could hear someone else in the background. When she asked what he was doing, he said he was “out with friends.” She got off the phone and immediately thought, ” Dad doesn’t have any friends; I bet he’s cheating. ” And she was right.

  • I’m gorgeous with red hair (everywhere), and I’m soooooooo smart — I have multiple graduate degrees–
    and I’m a sex addict so I’m REALLY good in bed.
    And if you’re not into S+M don’t worry — I prefer to keep that side of my sex life secret anyway — and just have “vanilla” sex with you. What you don’t know won’t hurt you! And I’ll tell you that I love you — that you’re my sun, moon and stars.
    You can pay for the meal, but I will be very attentive. Except when I am noticing the hot waitress and thinking about a hot colleague in my office. But hey — you will look so good going out with me; I’m sure you won’t mind! And I’ve slept with hundreds of women — so whatever type you are, I’m into you!

  • Ad1 Misunderstood professional seeks discreet work ‘friends’ to meet my needs. I need you to be fun and flirty. I will shower you with texts, email and charm. I will wax poetical about how much you mean to me and what holding you in my arms means. Just never mention my wife and kids.
    Ad2 Sad professional seeks replacement wife-appliance to meet my needs. I need you to be fun and flirty and listen to me attentively at length, supportively and anticipate my every need empathically. You must singlehandedly run the household, maintain the property and arrange all the kids and my out of work activities because I am so busy and stressed with my busy role and busy with my er, friends who you may not meet. I like to keep work and home seperate. I need friends. I need privacy lots of privacy. You need to try hard to please me or I may become cold and distant.

    • Addendum to ad. PS I collect secretly because I am entitled to. I earn more so I get more say. Also my newest hobby is that I want you to sext preferably like the porn I have been reading.

      Ewwww, these ads rally highlight how much better off moving on is.

  • These profiles are all so funny, I’m laughing out loud. So many sound so much like X.
    I’m going to read them again.
    Thank you for sharing and making me laugh. Sadly, this is just how
    stupid and self centered they are that they actually think like this.

  • The profile I found on Plenty of Fish – I am a single father of two daughters. My daughters mean everything to me. I have traveled half the world and I am looking for someone to travel the other half with me. Communication is a must.

    I logged in and changed the profile to:

    I am a single father of two daughters. I will dump them on whoever I can so that I can live like I’m single with no responsibility. In other words, you will be home taking care of my kids while I am out fucking somebody else. Don’t like it, whoopdedoo.

    Only communication I want is me talking. Other than that, I’ll give you the silent treatment.

    I will lie to you and cheat on you. I will yell at you if you call me out on my cheating and lying,.

    I also have profiles on twenty other sites. Find a Fuck, Adult Friend Finder, Tagged, Dream Marriage, Booty Call, Xpersonals, Uberhorny, One Night Friend, and others.

    I have a secret cell phone that I use to contact any woman that I have flirted with and takes me up on it.

    I will flirt with other women right in front of you and then yell at you because you are always accusing me of something.

    You will sleep alone many nights while I am on the computer, either watching porn, beastiality porn, or am trolling the above dating sites.

    I’m a hypochondriac, and everything is always about me. Don’t expect me to do anything for you even if you just had major surgery. I’ll be chasing women, I won’t have time to help you, but I will tell my daughters to help you out.

    I will leave you in the store or a gas stations for 20 to 30 minutes while I’m flirting with the cashier.

    Sex, I will reject you constantly and yell at you that you make me not want to have sex with you. Truth is, I was fucking somebody that day and can’t get it up again for you.

    I am never wrong about anything and I will never apologize for anything. Ever.

    Don’t try to change me, I like who I am.

    • Ewwww!!!!! He’s sickening!
      Mine was giving money to an ugly woman in Uganda of all places- a web cam hoe. He was promising to bring her here to the US and take care of her……in my home!!!!!

      Turned out to be a scam! LOL! The ugly old fool got taken for a ride~

  • Age: I’m whimsical, I don’t age! Really, I’m just immature. Immature AF!

    Height: Be sure to be shorter than 5’8 or I may have a complex about it.

    Income: I make a generous one from which all I buy and have will BE MINE! It doesn’t matter if we are married. MINE!!!!

    Interests: I’m a jack of all trades! I literally say this to people!!! I spend all of the marital money for my revolving hobbies and interests. Which really only comes across as adult ADD.

    But doing anything my wife likes? Why, that’s stupid!! Only ME, ME, ME!!!!! Family? What’s that other than some people who expect from you. Homey don’t play thaaaaaat.

    What I’m looking for: Someone who doesn’t argue back. Let’s me control. I have to have my way. MY WAY! ME! ME! ME! Someone’s who always looks good physically because that’s all that matters. Someone who doesn’t ever voice their opinion because I CONTROL the narrative. Oh, and even though I do all this things, she should BE INTO ME ALWAYS!!! And, NEED ME. And ALWAYS want to have sex. Even though I never make it good for her.

    Contact: You call me. I’m so worth it. I’m a firefighter. Swoon………….(all hat and no cattle). It only matters what people PERCEIVE I AM, not what I really am. A man without character, integrity or courage. No really, call me……..

  • LOL. Loved reading a lot of these. My assface ex had a real profile which I found a couple weeks after I moved out. He lied about his age and being married. And told me had just created it. Yeah right. So glad I’m done with all that. Feel bad for anyone who swipes right on that.

  • Smartest Man in the Room Seeks Cheerleader:

    You: Not too short or tall but BMI must be between 18 and 19.5. Dancer’s body, perfect boobs. Age irrelevant just don’t look older than 30.

    Incredible man seeks partner in crime. Can you cook insanely delicious meals that are also heart healthy? I need these on weekends, when I’m home. You’ll be cooking for several children during the week. Only 25 meals/snacks I think. You’re welcome.

    Can you multitask? Specifically, can you do so in a way that makes me look amazing and burns you out so bad you’re like a blackened piece of toast?

    Ideas include: birth five children. Look like a runway model within three months postpartum or be prepared to be discarded. Write a book. Keep our 4,000 sf home looking like, oh, the cover of Architectural Digest. Volunteer for things. Not too much, maybe PTA president, school board, orphans, Habitat for Humanity, that kind of thing. Budgeting/AP skills. I don’t know where the mailbox is, haha. That’s for you to sort out.

    Love my family and realize they are yours now. Your family is crazy. My dad will love you, he’s harmless. He just appreciates pretty girls.

    Understand complex dichotomies. For example, obviously no one can do what I do. It’s a niche industry, they’re lucky to have me. This leaves very little room in my massive cranium for tedious things like: remembering the names of my kids’ teachers or doctors/cleaning/cooking/planning/organizing/logistics of any kind except my travel arrangements (keeping track of my executive platinum airline status is another full time job I tell you)/other misc items that you’re just so good at

    Interested in applying? OF COURSE YOU ARE. I already knew that. In fact, I know what you’re about to say or do at all times but don’t fret about that. Your funny complaints and irrational requests are just so predictable. In fact, I’ll prove it: you’re thinking about pom pons? No worries. I have a pair for you.

  • Mine paraded pictures of his flaccid dick all over internet hook up sites. It was pathetic.

    His dating profile: Kind, giving Christian man seeks hot underage girls to meet my needs.
    Balding, yellow and missing teeth, large brown splotches all over my face and bald head. I work for the State of Indiana. I make lots of money as a computer programmer. I’m hot.

    Or: Sneaky deceptive voyeur…..wants to peer out his windows and whack off at the sight of you.

  • Mine (The Dancing Dick from the great State of Indiana):

    Looking for a sexy woman who will my needs. I have erectile dysfunction, I ignored my kids as they were growing up (so they won’t be a problem now). My wife was a bitch who expected me to participate in the marriage (glad to be rid of her).

    Looking for that special someone who will adore me and ignore my ugly brownish- yellow (and missing) teeth, my criminal record, my lack of a personality and my lack of integrity. Someone who will give me what I deserve. Someone who will also adore my mindless, giggling goose of a mother.

  • Oh the Dancing Dick’s hobbies:

    Whacking off to porn behind my wife’s back
    Scanning the internet for anonymous hook ups
    Sending unwanted lewd texts to the neighbor across the pond
    Whacking off at neighbors as I voyeur them (including teen age girls).
    Watching hours and and hours of sports- so the wife and kids won’t bother me
    Regurgitating the mindless jabber my mindless mother in Elletsville, IN says (so I can converse with others).

  • What’s truly sickening is that these barely human monsters ARE actually on dating sites! God help us!

    • Yes, they are!! That is a fact. This is why we need to be so careful. Otherwise we’ll end up with ONE of these again. I’m sure there are some decent people on dating sites but I’m here to tell you that almost ALL of them on there are exactly like the ‘profiles’ we’re reading here.

  • Just look at the low lifes on the dating sites! One disgusting POS after the next. They all want hot women who laugh! Some of them are down right repulsive looking. Yet they see themselves as “desirable.”

    The ones who say “no drama” really mean: I want to fuck …..and that’s it. I want you to laugh and smile………so don’t bother me with your issues.

  • Too fun!

    Age: 45, but I don’t discriminate if you’re younger

    Shape: Sphere

    About Me: I work in education administration, mostly for the nubile young teachers and hot MILFS it gives me access to. AND I attended an Ivy League school–have your panties dropped yet? If not, consider this: Everything I do is for the children. I enjoy music, especially musical festivals, where there are plenty of scantily clad drunk chicks, or what I like to refer to as “low-hanging fruit.” I also enjoy sports (including the fantasy variety) and videogames, better to ignore you for days at a time and hang out with the dudebros. In essence, college was the best time of my life and I am committed to staying in that mindset. Keeps ya young! Yolo!

    Hobbies: Photography (especially you, naked, asleep, blissfully unaware; I should also mention I’m an amateur videographer); gourmet cooking, until I find out you’re even better at it than I am, then I’ll turn it over to your capable hands permanently, my sweet; and of course, sweet sweet lovemaking about 1-2 times per week. I like to travel, mostly alone because I need time to think about my difficult childhood you can’t possibly understand. Really, I just need to go to hotels by myself, and hit the road with no destination or accountability. Maybe I’ll call you, maybe I won’t, but doesn’t all this mystery keep the sex hot?

    What I’m Looking For: Younger, in shape, hot, smart, responsible, “Florence Nightengale” type. Def prefer the helping professions. If you look like you live in Silver Lake, even better. I especially like the chase, so if you put me off and cancel a few dates, I’ll just pursue harder. Don’t worry you’re a little damaged from past relationships, I don’t judge. I’ll open your doors for you, pay for dinner, buy you expensive gifts, and only bother you for sex occasionally. I’m only single because the girl I wanted to marry didn’t want to marry me (I guess she was put off by my homemade porn collection, with co-stars who were not her. So uptight!).

  • Thank you for thissssss! So cathartic. Here is my rendition of his…

    Age: 60, but I have the maturity of a 13 yr old….and I do think everyone loves me
    and thinks I am super young! The gals all just love my grey hair and big ass belly… but young ones… come hither and sit on my wrinkle flabby bloated body….aren’t I handsome?

    Height: I love being tall….that way I get all the attention. The women all love seeing me clearly and I want to be all they see anyway…lets me have a tall advantage point to look down women’s shirts.

    Income: Oh I brag about how much I made when I was at HP, and I constantly talk about the books I wrote and are writing, but somehow I never finish them. And I just talk and talk about all my plans, but really I am more concerned about women’s incomes. I just like to find a partner for 4-5 years and use everything they own. The more income the better for me! Free vacations. Free rent. Free TV. But I’m worth it, you’ll see that soon.

    Interests: MYSELF~ o and one other thing…women’s body parts. I love to take pics
    of just boobs, butts, and legs, but no face. Seeing a real person behind those parts,
    just ruins it for me. Unless of course, if I have a gf, and I happen to see someone I really
    want to fuck…then I just ignore my gf and make a big play for the whole package.
    My gf’s don’t mind, because….I am so adorable and hot! I do like sports…I just to sit
    in my gfs house on her couch and demand no one walks in front of me while I am
    watching. Sometimes I ask them to make me a steak and a potato too! What I like to do
    mostly is hide who I really am, so I go to events where I can blend in, so the sociopath that I
    am is not so obvious. Festivals, music events, even political events for the good…
    then I can make believe and others will believe me to be a good person, but hint….
    I am not.

    What I’m looking for: Someone who is nice….too nice, so they can’t conceive that I do
    horrid things and use people. Someone who really wants love, but also is together
    so I can glean from them. Someone who wants a partner so bad that they will overlook
    my shit….and continue to do it until I don’t need or want them anymore. Or maybe
    when she finds out I am lying, continue to give me chance after chance. I want a chump!

    Contact: I’ll contact you….and no I won’t want my FB friends to know I am in a relationship
    of any kind….so don’t ask. FYI, if I get wind of you asking too much of me like respect
    or love or real trust, then all contact will be off and you will get the silent treatment. Just so you know.

  • Oh dang I got here late but I want to play!!

    ‘I’m looking for a woman who is beautiful, fit, smart, educated, athletic, employed, generous…oh the list goes on and on!!
    Looking for a woman with a nice house that I can move in to as all I have is a shack in the middle of nowhere that I’m upside down in. I did a poor job of raising my kids so they’re middle aged slackers that I still funnel money too. One has quite the opioid addiction and we can’t let her in our house. I give her money to keep her away. You don’t get to meet my kids. I’ve cashed in my retirement so I hope you still have yours. I’m pretty buff right now as I have been on the prowl for a new victim (oops I mean partner) but as soon as I think I have you snagged, I’ll let my gym membership lapse. I don’t do housework or yard work because I’m all that. I say I know how to cook but I’ll be sure to catch your kitchen on fire the first time I try.

    I will lovebomb the hell out of you when I first meet you and mirror back to you everything I see in you. I will tell lies, half lies and lies of omission during our courtship. Whenever you’re entertaining your friends, I’ll make sure I ‘pop in’ to see if any of them can give me more than you do. I’ll also try to bully you if I see that you’ll put up with it. I have been known to bully salespeople, waitstaff and actually whoever I feel I have a right to bully.

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