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Problem? Adult solution vs. Cheater solution

Cheaters often react to adult problems in selfish ways. CN member Chris described the issue this way:

PROBLEM: My wife and I argue often, mostly over financial matters.
ADULT SOLUTION: From now on, we’re going to keep a closer eye on our finances, cutting costs where we can. We’re also going to work to improve our lines of communication, particularly where financial matters are concerned.
CHEATER SOLUTION: I’m gonna go fuck a 20-year-old.

So your assignment today is to pen your own little problem/cheater solutions.

I think it’s a great exercise for several reasons. A) It’s making fun of the absurdity of cheaters. Always fun. And B) It’s a good way to remind yourself that these people have CHOICES. That you didn’t drive them to cheat. There were grown-up ways of addressing real marital issues or their lives’ dissatisfactions and they chose infidelity. Good way to rewire your brain to think about this.

So have at it — problem? Adult solution? Cheater solution?

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Problem: We are having financial problems on our monthly budget of 3k per month on living expenses (not including mortgage). Within the first week of the month we already have 2k in expenses, mostly on clothing and stuff bought at local department stores. (All of this shopping was done by the cheater)

    Adult Solution: We both need to monitor what the expenses are and look at the Credit Card (which is paid in full each month) to see how much is on it and try and budget accordingly. Provide online access to both of us so we can see the credit card charges on an as need basis.

    Cheater Solution: Yell at the other spouse and accuse them of being a control freak and trying to control them (cheater) through money. Deny that she (cheater) purchased anything and when asked about it just looks around saying ummm. Provide her (cheater) with access to the accounts so she can see for herself but never look because to look would mean taking responsibility for ones owns actions. So by not looking we can continue the denial, controlling freak argument.

    • My STBX loves to call me a control freak. Every time I tried to establish a budget so we could add college savings for our kids, he would just reply that he wasn’t afraid of a little debt. He would say it in a condescending tone to try and make me feel as if I was boring and unwilling to “live” life.

      • Me as well. “Controlling” because I insisted the kids be in car seats, we arrive to events on time, etc. And that he keep his dick in his pants. That one was REALLY over the top controlling.

        • Yeah…I was “controlling” too, because I wanted him to come home, instead of hanging out, or “working,” or whatever.

          • I asked me to be home before midnight, or stay art art studio for safety reasons if he couldn’t. He decided that coming home at that hour for 4 years was too hard …and I was a neurotic control freak for asking.

            • During marriage policing I read that Bazooka Jane thought Woody was cheating on me with her because I was “so controlling.” I must admit, I was pretty insistent on making him tell me the truth and keep his dick out of my niece.

            • I never knew what time to expect my EX home from work. For 30 years I asked him to just call or email or (more recently) text me so that I would have an idea and wouldn’t have to worry. He rarely ever did and then would act completely surprised when I would get upset about it. He said, at the end, that I was trying to control him and just wanted to know where he was all the time. No – I actually just wanted to know that he was ok and not hurt in an accident or being mugged or in the hospital or something. After he told me he was moving out, THEN he started letting me know whether he would be home for dinner or not. I told him I really didn’t care at that point. What a POS!

  • Problem: being on a limited budget due to military service. Husband demands to know where his money is going. I’m not to buy any furnishings for our coming child or household items.

    Adult Solution: I show him our outlays for utilities, rent, groceries, etc. I buy only things that are discounted to “Cheap”!, or get hand-me-downs for the baby. When complaints continue, I give him the task of paying bills.

    Cheater Solutions: Doesn’t pay bills. Takes “his” check, turns it into a cash wad so he can carry it around in his pocket and drag it out when he buys for his shipboard buddies.

    This lasts for two months before we no longer have lights or heat in the house and I take it back. My mother helps pony up the missing funds so we can get the power back on (in January), his mother declines to help…

    He goes onto shakedown cruise; refuses to give me funds for support, no allotment. Three months later, I’m about to get evicted with our two kids (one is less than one y.o.)

    Adult Solution: He finally gets back from sea. Gives me $300.00 to pay for the expensive tires his little sports car HAD to have (but he hadn’t paid that bill either). I take that money and hire a divorce attorney. Ta Dah! Also manage to appease the landlord with a payment plan that will clear the past due rent and keep it current at the same time.

        • Thanks! I have to confess this was about thirty years ago; I managed to overcome his Jack Assery and got a great job and raised my kids alone (mostly), with lots of help from my mom and dad.

          Cheater, however, went on to do the same stupid stuff with two other wives. One divorced him just before she retired (so he had to do without her retirement income) and the second one bought his stupid “Wad-O-Cash” trick until she found out that he was essentially broke, whereupon she kicked him out of his own car in the middle of the San Joaquin Valley and let him get himself home, then divorced his butt.

          He doesn’t change much over the years.

    • That was probably the best $300 you ever spent. The fact that he handed it to you makes it even better.

      Proving yet again that cheaters are cheapskates. Actually, that could make an interesting thread. “Cheapskate Cheaters.” Maintaining a sports car while your wife and kids have no electricity is just beyond scumbag.

      You on the other hand are mighty as hell!

    • Soldiering On – can’t you tell his commanding officer about his refusal to financially support his family and also about the infidelity?? Those are punishable offenses in the military, aren’t they? Even if not, just to get his ass kicked and the financial support you need would be worth it.

      • My ex was a Navy Seal. His command did nothing. I even showed them posts where he advertised on Craig’s List saying he was a Navy Seal looking to party!! He left took all the money. His command told me they couldn’t do anything.

        • Oh My!!!! So was my ex….he totally abused me and our son, and when I tried to get help from his command…pointing out I was afraid…they did nothing. Instead, they told him I contacted them and it just pissed him off more.
          He put me and our son in a position we were homeless for 5 weeks…I couldn’t believe the Navy would do nothing to help us, or to stop the constant psych-ops….he was the best at mindfuckery.

      • If command does nothing contact the adjutant general about the non-support. Let them know if they don’t do something about the non-support that you will be contacting your congressman and media outlets to let them know that command is covering up sexual misconduct.

      • Believe me, I tried. I even spoke to his commanding officer personally. The problem was that the Cheater was at a certain paygrade above which they have decided that the enlistee is responsible enough to take care of his family without being compelled to do so. This is obviously without actual evidence!

      • Believe me, I tried. I even spoke to his commanding officer personally. The problem was that the Cheater was at a certain paygrade above which they have decided that the enlistee is responsible enough to take care of his family without being compelled to do so. This is obviously without actual evidence

    • You need to address this with his chain of command. They would see to it you are provided for…

  • Problem: First child born, life is no fun anymore and all things are not about the cheater. Cheater is not happy but says that babies are no fun but it will be better when baby is older and can do more things. I also didn’t like that my wife was sick during pregnancy. So inconvenient.

    Adult Solution: Support my wife by helping out with baby and enjoying his age and stage to an extent.

    Cheater Solution: Find a girlfriend and bring home the gift she sends for baby and put it on baby. Tell wife the gift is from someone at work who doesn’t send a card with gift. How fun is that, getting to silently laugh at your stupid chump wife.

    • Almost my story exactly, except no gift from other woman at the time. Mine just became a complete ass hole, who played victim all day to his new father role, which he barely participated in.

      These guys gave us an even better reason for divorce than cheating; they were willing to treat there own babies poorly. Complete lack of empathy.

      • Chumpychump, you’re so right about how they treat their own children poorly. Let CN know.
        Mr Nobody (ex/narc/serial cheater) admitted him being jealous of our three children. He always neglected both emotionally and financially the family needs (stealing money here and there), he never participated and became resentful for being set apart according to his sick point of view.
        That’s one of his excuses for cheating.
        The worst thing is that now my adult children fall for his charm, his sudden urge to love them. They don’t question him.
        They witnessed the abuse and the cheating. They just split the blame on both of us though I never cheated and took care of the family, all the family needs. I mean bills, private schools, clothes, mortgage, restaurants, vacations.
        My children have fallen for his love bombing. They’re blind even if they helped me find evidence of his multiple simultaneous affairs and encounters with prostitutes and proof of his financial damage.
        So Chump Nation should know that after staying years for the sake of the intact family what you get is: cold treatment by your family members and Switzerland friends who blame you half and… adult children who are either the next potential victims or groomed narcissist enablers.

        • Merrychump- I’m going through the same thing as you. It was my son who caught dear ol’ dad cheating….. Yet he sees Judas more than me. AND my daughter (who is 20) doesn’t talk to me. She lives with her dad. I guarantee my son told my daughter what happened, yet – she doesn’t talk to me? How the fuck does that work? (Pretty sure the manipulation tactics from X has worked on her – as it did on me for so many years) And ya – the switzerland friends. I’ve come to realize they are just as big of assholes as my X. Who needs them? Not ME and neither do you!

          • Blessings to you, Ladystrange. Who needs them, you’re right.
            We would have loved more people, friends, relatives without cheaters intoxicating our environment. But it’s the occasion for spotting fake friends. As for our children… obviously they are being manipulated. I just hope they won’t have to pay for cheater’s further damage. I know he’s preparing for more financial exploitation. Cheaters are emotional and material thieves. They just manage somehow not to end up in jail.

          • Merrychump, LadyStrange – it took my kids years of adulthood to wake up. After they had established their own homes and relationships, they put the jigsaw puzzle together on their own.

            8 years after their dad died (suicide during his marriage to schmoopie) DS stated “Dad was a narcissist”.
            Wow. I didn’t see that coming.
            I didn’t ask why DS how he came to this conclusion. I trust he reviewed the evidence in his own time. DS also had information that I am blissfully unaware of. DD doesn’t speak of her dad at all.

            • Wow TTWM, You have been through some tough painful stuff! I’m gobsmacked. I’m so glad you’re DD & DS came around finally. Unpacking that shit must have been awful for them as well. Thanks for sharing your story at CN. It’s resonating with me.
              In other news..I just got a text response from both my grown kids within an hour… I’m gobsmacked by this as well…

            • I’m sorry it took them so long TTWM. That is what I am afraid of, but there is nothing I can do about it now….
              The other day my bf was telling me how great he thinks I am (of course he’s only known me 6 months….) and it “Boggles his mind” how anyone can treat me like shit. He was of course referring to Judas, but I said “Are you referring to my daughter?” That took him kind of by surprise and he replied “Ya – that too. It’s really too bad about your daughter cuz she is missing out on a great mom…” I cried after he said that.

        • I could have written that. My heart wasn’t broken by my ex–it was broken by my grown children who seem to want to be closer to and in more communication with their lying, cheater-narcissistic dad than with me. I will never understand it.

          • They are awesome actors who play their charm and self-pity stations for the kids.

          • Please don’t put your worth on that.

            I saw that with asshat’s very own bio narc dad and his siblings, codependent and didn’t know. They ALL fell for the love bombing until they had marriages and kids of their own:

            1.Asshat swore he would never be like his father, but he is. Only difference is asshat keeps a harem, not x wives.
            2.Codependent is in a similar abusive marriage and used to try to have a relationship with him. I heard that ended.
            3.Didn’t know fared the best. He was never raised around the clown and had good male role models growing up. He DID believe bio narc dad was the bomb until his mid-30’s when cognitive disssonance smacked him hard. He put the pieces together, his older siblings filled in the gaps and he has since gone full NC.

            Just be present for your adult children. When they grasp the extent of fuckery, there will be some quiet support needed.

      • Exact same scenario here except I’m such a nice person, spouse asked me to buy a baby shower gift for his married howorker (before I knew..). I wrapped gift thoughtfully and did not even receive so much as a “thank you” from her. Spouse hated when the kids were babies. He even blamed our marital issues on having little children because they took too much of my time. He doesn’t get it and I don’t think he ever will.

    • I honestly don’t know what they thought having a baby was supposed to be like. I had a little bit of disengaged kickback from my cheater X too. How about you buckle down and help your wife while she’s trying to figure out the whole parenthood thing too (and recovering from a beaten up downstairs area)? (Adult solution) Instead, he continued fucking prostitutes (cheater solution).

    • My cheater’s solution to the same problem: go out alone (because I was reluctant to leave a few month old baby with a babysitter and we had no family around) and blame me for being a party pooper. Then start travelling on weekends alone, and then taking longer travelling time alone. Or so I thought…

      • It wouldn’t have mattered. Children = less focus on the Cluster B. I DID go out and leave a young child with a babysitter every weekend to keep “couple time,” I gave Hannibal sex even during pain from an episiotomy, I did ALL the work with a new baby (ALL), worked a full time job, paid a lot of attention to my fuckwit husband, and he still screwed around.

        That’s who they are; nothing (and I mean nothing) we did or could have done would have prevented them from fulfilling their evil, deceptive natures.

        • Thank you , Tempest. I sometimes go back in my thoughts as in “what if I did this, or did’t do that, what would have been different?” But as you proved again their goalposts shift all the time. Good to be away from this mindfuckery.

        • It sounds like we were all married to the same guy. My husband was like a third baby (we had twins). I did everything for them while working at a full-time job. He drove a truck during the week and did as he pleased on the weekends. If he changed a diaper or picked up a colicky infant he acted like he deserved a medal. Yet he claims to love kids!

    • Hey, that’s me too!

      PROBLEM: Exhausted high-risk-pregnant wife works full time as primary breadwinner, raises toddler, attends university and doesn’t have much time left for husband.

      ADULT SOLUTION: Work together to manage the household, parent, and balance life better.

      CHEATER SOLUTION: Get child-free unemployed young girlfriend, support her, and be home even less.

  • Problem: Life does not deliver unending bliss and uninterrupted joy.

    Normal Person Solution: Of course it doesn’t, but facing challenges and savoring joys makes for a good life.

    Cheater Solution: My every desire needs immediate satisfaction, thus porn, strippers, affairs, stuff.

  • Problem: Since the chump-induced marriage counselling did not lead anywhere, we need to get this divorce done.
    Adult solution: file for divorce, sort out finances, separate.
    Cheater solution: do fuck all.

  • Problem: Cheater believes wife doesn’t make enough money.
    Adult Solution: Open your mouth and tell your wife of this frustration.
    Cheater Solution: View porn after wife goes to bed and at work. Also, find another OW.

    Problem: Families are expensive and cheater feels burdened by having to work. At all.
    Adult Solution: Open your mouth and tell your wife of this frustration.
    Cheater Solution: View porn after wife goes to bed and at work. Also, find another OW.

    Problem: Kids take time and need attention. Cheater feels neglected.
    Adult Solution: Open your mouth and tell your wife of this frustration.
    Cheater Solution: View porn after wife goes to bed and at work. Also, find another OW.

    Cheater Problem: Get busted … 20+ years of lies, porn, and cheating.
    Adult Solution: Own it. Then leave peacefully when your wife tells you it’s over.
    Cheater Solution: Lie. Lie. Lie. Blame Wife. Lie. Lie. Lie. Call your wife a whore. Lie. Lie. Lie. Come unhinged. (Wife gets a restraining order against you — after that clears you only get supervised visits with your youngest child while the older two refuse to speak with you.)
    Bonus Cheater Solution: After all of this, pretend to the world that YOU are the victim who was “kicked out” by your cruel wife — for no reason at all.

    • Open your mouth FTW. Cheater X’s family never spoke of negative feelings (anger, sadness, etc.) and so perhaps he was not “able”…but then again, he didn’t like what he grew up with so…OPEN YOUR DAMN MOUTH. So yeah, I don’t know what’s wrong, he continues dragging us both down a bad path (without my knowing it’s happening), and a marriage (and family, with the adoption of our dog and birth of our daughter) is irreparably ruined. Just like his narc-o dad, who, with painfully passive mother, has been doing whatever he wants to “cope” with his own unaddressed issues from childhood. But they’re still married because that dynamic “works”. *shudder* Definitely don’t ignore FOO, even when cheater professes to not like them/not want to be like them. Ugh.

      • I used to believe he was not able to open his mouth too. His father is a walking shit, full narc, mom can’t deal with frustration so she throws tantrums when things don’t go her way. He belongs to a very toxic family (most males are cheaters, some batterers; I didn’t know this was important). But then I realized he doesn’t have any trouble communicating in his work, for example. So it’s not that he can’t: he just _doesn’t want_ to.

        • I agree, Gato. They are fully capable of communicating — but choose not to.

          • They are lazy bastards and can’t be bothered communicating with their bitchy wives who just don’t get them. Easier and more fun to spill their little hearts to Schmoopie so she’ll soothe his poor ego with a nice blow job! Poor whittle boy!

        • True..he keeps up a good face at work. So yeah, probably just bushed from managing his public image.

      • My STBX is a coward and a bully. He abhors disagreement and honest confrontation. Though, he certainly relished “punishing” me behind my back for the stuff he refused to tell me about.

        The only times he opened his mouth about his marital frustrations were during his rages — sometimes years after the event that frustrated him. He would say it with pure vitriol (no intent to communicate, discuss, fix, etc.). As if the offense should have been obvious. Whatever it took to sink in the fangs and cause me to doubt myself.

        STBX has FOO issues too — but so do I. Hell, I have more than he does! But, I don’t use my FOO issues as an excuse to hurt others like he does. Where I think “I know how much that hurts, I could never do that to someone else …” HE thinks “Yep, hurt like hell … now I want to cause the same pain for someone else.” His perspective makes me physically ill.

        • Yeah…I know a lot of chumps on here do have FOO stuff too. Definitely not saying it only leads one place (why I thought cheater X was better than that — he seemed so aware and against what he grew up with), but cheaters obviously don’t put the two and two together to really make a change for themselves, they just continue to destructively self-medicate. Not an excuse at all, just a flag, especially when you start noticing certain behaviors. I’m sorry you had worse FOO issues than your asshat ex, JesssMom (and I’ve read your stories here and cringe over your dad — I’m so sorry you had to experience that growing up), but you are clearly the bigger person in all of this and I’m glad you’re on a much better path now.

          • Thanks, ChumpOnIt. (((Hugs)))

            I do agree about the FOO issues being a flag. If the basic drive to at least try to be better than what happened to them isn’t there, then they will almost inevitably end up causing just as much damage to their loved ones. It pisses me off … but it makes me sad too. So much damage … so many innocent lives harmed … for nothing.

            • Agreed. And with such a clear example of what NOT to do too. At the very least, the kids shouldn’t have to deal with that throughout the rest of their lives with the now higher probability of it happening again (either who they become or who they choose as their partner). So awful that a parent could place this rot anywhere near their children.

      • My Ex and her brother were badly abused by their father and step mother. When I met them they were in their early 20s, hated them both and wanted to be the opposite of them. Flash forward 20+ years and they both slowly became carbon copies of the people they hated and are now even close to their abusers. They also gaslight and totally have rewritten history and claim that none of the abuse ever happened.

        Sadly, I was warned before I married the ex that this might happen but I was young and dumb and didn’t listen. FYI per therapist friends of mine, this USUALLY happens.

        • Both CheaterX and his cheater brother were sons of a cheating father. Apparently there is at least one study that indicates that men whose fathers cheat (and whose parents didn’t divorce–so no negative consequences to cheating evident) are likely to be cheaters themselves.

          • Jeez. My son’s father and grandfather are cheaters. But both of them got kicked out and divorced by their wives so maybe there’s still hope for him.

        • X said he had a “nice” conversation with his narc-o father after I told him I wanted a divorce and we were separated but still living in the same house. These were the same people who didn’t have very much to say in response to the whole thing from the start (all his mom had to say was “did you get checked (for STDs)?”). And the same father that would inevitably talk on and on about whatever minute thing he was doing and never ask how someone else was. “Nice” conversation. Right. I’m sure all of that progress he was making in counseling figuring out what happened in his (apparently) screwed up childhood is becoming gaslit as we speak.

      • OMG, @ChumpOnIt, I so wish I’d heard your words of wisdom before I married The Python!! You said:

        “Definitely don’t ignore FOO, even when cheater professes to not like them/not want to be like them.”

        Cheater had nothing but disdain for both parents. From his accounts plus those of siblings (I know now to doubt everything he says and get verification), I figured his mother was most likely BPD, but didn’t realize his father had a personality disorder too until I read more about NPD.

        Mother not only beat but threw things at kids, lied a LOT, and threatened as well as attempted suicide. Father spent most of his spare time going to honky tonks all over the south and midwest to play his country music, convinced he would be the next country superstar. (Narc much?)

        There is a family rumor that a couple of siblings born before the parents’ divorce – they have Dad’s last name – were not really fathered by Dad.

        All The Python’s sibs (full, half, and step, total = 10) had drug or alcohol problems (some, fortunately, sober now). He rarely drinks so I used to marvel that he had avoided being damaged like all the sibs. Ha! Dopey me – dopey and duped.

        I was blind to his chronic overspending – mostly on toys for himself. He never wanted to get in touch with his Army buddies and I thought it was PTSD “avoidance” – but it was more likely because he made up heroic military exploits that never happened and he didn’t want his lies exposed.

        The lying cheater a-hole is probably the MOST damaged of all the offspring.

  • Problem: cheater cheated with friend of both of us for a year( first saying it was a one night stand and he f#cked her in our bed because they both got drunk). But hey wife is supporting me because I’m a lousy businessman and business is already going downhill
    Adult solution: separate in preparation for divorce. Pay for lawyer and split assets.
    Cheater solution: RIC–ask wife to get remarried on our 30th anniversary in central park(a major expensive trip from where we live). Because hey she supports me financially. Keep amusing her every which way for 4 years, stop working and steal 400k of family money to pay my way including sluts. What fun!

    • Newlady, I’m sorry that selfish bastard used image management to bleed you dry. You are sooooo better off without him!

      • You bet I am! I am building my new cheater free life and it is sooooo much better without him!

    • NewLady, take the financial stuff out but mine suggested we re-marry in an exotic location somewhere and start a new life. Get all the guests that attended our wedding 13 years ago, also in an exotic trip, and splurge on this big party. Have the new wedding bands now (because I refused to wear mine after DDay) tatooed on our fingers. He came up with the theme and then gave me a project to research various designs. And I did. Just give me a project, cheater, and I will go heads on into it while it gives you time to breath a little bit.

      Sigh…I am glad we did not get there. I caught him again before we even started the planning. But boy, I was so excited that he came into his senses and is now a family man!

  • Problem: Loving husband working away for long periods of time for work.

    Adult solutions: phone, Skype, move and follow loving husband to new city/state/country. Trust. Need to say it again. Trust.

    Cheater solution:brothels, hot dates, girlfriends. Yeehawww!

    Post hoc: Get caught by bank records, lie, gaslight. Look like a full-on dickhead.

    • Add to the cheater solution here: gaslight the poor chump and make her believe that she is the jealous, insecure, inconfident one. He is away for work to PUT BREAD ON THE TABLE, and it’s hard, you chump. What do you know by being in your home comfortably and enjoying child-rearing. I have to be away and work, work, work (fuck, fuck, fuck).

      • Mine told me I had “been sitting in my ass” for 15 years.

        1) Full home remodel.
        2) Raise child alone during week.
        3) Trek back and forth to mountains every weekend in the winter so ex can ski. (That means packing the fridge every week, ski, dinners, pack fridge again. Repeat every Friday and Sunday.)
        4) Volunteer at school
        5) Conceive, research and write business plan (so I can generate income from home without affecting his lifestyle.). Get ZERO support except critism for doing it differently than he would.
        6) Conceive, research and write second business plan (same support as above.)
        7) DD#1, followed by MC where he continues to gaslight.
        8) Take daughter to Europe for 6 months for educational travel and online school. (Of course, now he has complete freedom with new AP.)

        Yes, I’ve been sitting in my ass, raising a beautiful daughter while you travel for business while you fuck you AP of the day/week/month.

        Oh, and did I tell you just how exciting it is to be home? How happy I am to have given up my career so you could be successful?

        Fuck you!

        • I am so sorry that so many chumps gave up their careers for their cheating shits.

          It does validate my decision to not do that when ex wanted me to. I am so glad I didn’t because my marriage would have ended the same way anyway. The compromise was that I went down to 32/wk so I could have an extra day every week to give the family. I was also the one who always took kids to doctor’s visits, went to daytime school events etc. I put his career and family first and basically just held my place (and gained experience) in my work. Eventually ex was happy I had a career when he wanted to leave his job to be a SAHD and simultaneously work on a career change. It wasn’t long before he started complaining, however, that I wasn’t making enough money and I should be farther along in my career after having worked for so many years. What a jerk. At least I am far enough along to have kept my place and I am advancing now that I work 40+ hours a week. Thank God I don’t have to be fully dependent on him financially.

          It is a good thing that the kids are older, however, as I am now the primary parent again what with ex’s new job, his no longer living with us, and Schmoopie being priority. Yes he still comes around and gives the kids some attention, but it isn’t the same.

          • They complain when you make more than then also and cheat because they are emasculated and you end up apologizing for being successful. Can’t win.

          • Chumpinrecovery, you said “he started complaining, however, that I wasn’t making enough money.” Oh yeah, been there, done that!

            I financially subsidized The Python for years (not to mention I bought him 2 – count ’em 2 – cars; both used, but not very). I had been at the same job for almost 25 years and things started going bad there. I wouldn’t have risked my job by speaking up on behalf of myself and the other employees if I didn’t think he’d be happy to support me and repay some of the tens of thousands of dollars I’d shelled out for him for years . I didn’t get fired, but management made things so miserable for me I quit.

            Problem: wife needs his financial support for a change.

            Adult solution: Decide together reasonable ways to cut costs and be supportive to wife as she looks for a full time job. Wouldn’t hurt to mention that she shouldn’t feel bad because this is a chance to reciprocate after all the money that went the other way.

            Cheater solution: Buy additional expensive toys; convince wife to use her savings to buy one toy for $2500 because his credit cards are maxed. Berate wife for not getting a full time job right away (part time didn’t cut it), for leaving the lights on when leaving a room (because it wastes a few pennies a month), ask her to save and show him grocery receipts, and turn into a grumpy a-hole. Oh, yeah, and have an affair.

        • 🙁

          Another teaching moment for our kids- no NOT give up your career. Go PT, go flex or stay FT. If your partner is truly a partner, any of the above solutions will work. Someone who complains or is unsupportive in actions, words mean nothing, it’s time to move on and away from that clown.

        • Giddy, I also sacrificed my career so X could advance in his or as he would say “our career.”
          X was able to commute to where we were living since his job at the time was 2 weeks on 2 weeks off but he didn’t want to be alone. What was I thinking?
          We moved far from my family with our then one-year-old to a duplex in the middle of no where. Twenty minutes the nearest store, which by the way was a feed store.
          In contrast, X traveling all over the world, usually tropical, sleeping in 5 star hotels.
          I was home with our baby, snowed in, power outages, little income and an undependable car.
          I lived in sweats, colored my own hair to save money, never colored my own hair before and it turned jet black (I’m blonde). Kept my chin up encouraged X to hang in there when he had setbacks, entertained his family when they came to visit. I lived like this for years, trusting that eventually these sacrifices would someday pay off.
          I’ve never been in such distress financially. X knew how much I valued having financial security and medical insurance. I have neither.
          My friends who I went to college with, are now retired and living a comfortable secure existence I struggle.

          I fucking hate him and what he’s done to my life and our son’s life.
          X is an arrogant, condescending pathological liar, without a conscious nor regard for anyone other than himself.

          I’ll never know how he and people like him live with themselves yet they do.
          X certainly does and appears to be doing very well.

          • Brit, I could have written your post.

            I started my life over a few years ago – in my mid 50s.

            We had a small company for many years, which he ran it into the ground. Several times when I saw the handwriting on the wall – and urged him to find employment – there were always excuses why not … “I’m too old”, “I don’t like that company”, etc., etc. …..including insisting that I call his potential employers about work because he was “too busy” to do so himself.

            We had no health insurance for years. Then, I found out he was writing checks to the one person who worked for us to cover HIS health insurance bills! OMG I was FURIOUS.

            When I decided to look for work?? In a rage – he would accuse me of “abandoning” him. And if I decided to work from home? Whatever I did was “shit”. Well guess who would come a-calling if he was out of money??

            This guy ruined our lives financially, and I will ALWAYS regret leaving my job to join him in that business.

      • These fuck heads gaslight the hell out of us especially after they get caught. The abuse seems to ramp up- yes! I was also told I was insecure, jealous and had issues

  • Problem: My Wife has purchased a red microwave for 27 dollars at WalMart. She is asking if that is okay, and if we can get rid of the 27 dollar black microwave I brought to the cohabitation situation and is now crusted with food. I don’t like red. She didn’t ask me if I like red. Together, we make six figures, 70 percent is hers, and that bothers me. Not enough to bring it up, or stop enjoying kickass hobbies, lunch out every single day, my brand new car I got from my DTI paying not a penny of rent for two years, and vacations on her sweaty back, or the fact that I don’t like red microwaves. Or my half hour daily commute since moving to her home. Or her talking about buying a home together. Sweaty backed Bitch.

    Adult Solution: Speak Up. Show a few photos of decorated kitchens I like. Admit to myself and God that I’m not as all in on this family as she is. Say I Don’t Instead of I Do. Maybe stop gleefully burning her money while I’m at it. Use the 7K we have in the Bank to move out instead of a trip to Disney where I act like a complete Jackass and lie to the wife’s face.

    Cheater Solution: Hold On. I’m finna put a baby in This Stranger I barely know. But we’ve texted in every public toilet in Disney World. Then I’m gonna borrow several thousand pounds from my 83 year old Dad I can also barely stand with a Flying Monkey Story about how bad my marriage is. I’ll leave out the part about Stranger Baby. I’ll find I can’t really stand The Sluterus either. I’ll move in with a Third Lady. She’ll carry me on her Sweaty Back for Three Years whilst I fight The Sluterus over visitation and Child Support and whether the Sluterus really likes Ladies, Men, or just lying to everyone most of all. I will find Third Lady is tiresome and unwilling to fight with Sluterus as enthusiastically as I require my hypoteni. I will have forgotten entirely about my older daughter and stepdaughter by this time. I feel young again!

    I will reunite with The Sluterus just so I can decide where my paycheck goes and avoid paying Child Support from my Pensioners check. We’ll make well under six figures. Her teeth will remain too fucked up to photograph.

    But there will be NO RED MICROWAVE.

    • LOL. Cheater wouldn’t like certain things I picked out around the house, but couldn’t ever express why or suggest things that he liked (I always asked!). Later I figured out it was because he has no style of his own. They’re unhappy leeches.

      • Yes! His style is barren airport apartment I just rented because permanence bores me. His aesthetic is ‘Peep These UHaul Boxes I Moved All By Myself Because Nobody Supports My Poor Choices.’

        • My X’s decorating style was whatever his mother likes. Red flag anyone? Now I decorate however I want ????

          • My
            ex’s style was barren, hard surfaced, cold, and almost empty—like the inside of his chest where a human heart SHOULD be.

            • It’s why I call the ex Cold Slab O’Meat. Also he weighs 320 lbs. Also he was ‘allergic’ to vegetables.

        • My ex apparently felt I squashed his decorating preferences too. He usually left that kind of thing up to me. He even commented that he’d never have thought to choose some of the things I did, but was surprised how nice they looked after the room was put together.

          After we divorced, my kids told me his new house looks like a rodeo cowboy museum. My youngest commented that he can’t believe a grown man has the things his dad has in his house. LOL.

          Apparently my ex and Schmoopie really got into discussions on home decorating. He never seemed interested when he was married to me.

  • Problem: Cheater wants multiple sex partners but also wants monogamous partner, a.k.a. chump.

    Adult solution: There is no adult solution to that kind of narcissistic entitlement. The only reasonable adult scenario is for cheater to transparently state what s/he wants so chump can make informed choices, but cheater can’t get kibbles that way.

    Cheater solution: Lie, deceive, gaslight, and in all other ways behave manipulatively to keep chump confused and relationship-engaged and affair partners on the hook so/he can have all the things s/he wants no matter who gets hurt.

    Result: Cheater caught (the truth almost always comes out eventually) and tossed out on his/her ass, chump healed (healing always comes around when the cheater poison is extracted) and moved on. 🙂

    • Amilsfree, I guess I think there are adult solutions to wanting multiple sex partners.

      Stop viewing porn.

      Add in several neglected aspects of life, take your pick: an art or music is one; sport or exercise another; improve your work skills; make effort in your marriage; improve your relationships with your parents and siblings; hang out with same-sex friends (must be decent people); find a mentor who is a person of integrity.

      It’s a process, just adding in slowly one of the above might be enough to reduce the urge to self-destruct your life.

      Take time everyday to strengthen a spiritual life. (Did you know that Jerry Seinfeld meditates twice a day?)

      How do the Hindus view excess of sexual desire? My understanding is they call sexual desire “Kundalini” (wd?) and visualize themselves pulling this energy up and away from the sexual organs to be used in the higher chakras for energy in higher uses such as the heart, the voice, the mind, etc. Use that power to create instead of fuck-up your life.

      I inadvertently witnessed an incident between a husband (a man of integrity, I know him) and a sexy low-morals woman. She verbally made a come-on and moved in to hug him. He reached out his arm, patted her on the back, keeping his distance, and said, “My wife told me to tell you hello.” Keeping sluts at bay is possible, you married men out there.

      • This is so sad. You said everything that I said to my STBX when he wanted me to become polyamory so he could have his cake and eat her, too. Or other men, still not sure about that. Always the problem solver, I suggested all of that to make him “happy” but his answer was to stop being so controlling and he needed to be alone to find his BLISS. Now he’s causing much damage in the divorce and has stayed in the role of monster. No sign of the loving man I thought he was. Those FOO issues erupted after 26 years and he’s so self destructive. I had to jump off the sinking ship.

        • BeowulfSabrina, I guess I think all of his dirty behavior created a whole new rotten level of problems that really dwarf any influence the foo issues could have provided.

          • Queen Mother, you are so correct. After threatening to punch my lawyer (wish he had so he’d end up in jail) he sent me a big sheet of paper with one tiny word on it, “sad”, which I suppose was supposed to make me feel sorry for him, but not this time. His FOO issues didn’t make him cheat and then try to take $$ from me in a continual rage. I’m sorry for all of us chumps who loved and were tricked into thinking that love could make it all better.

    • You give me hope today, Amiisfree. Cheater explained everything as low self esteem because he didn’t fuck many women as a manly male should do. That way he could pin it on me, I didn’t make him feel the latin lover he feels he is. But the truth is that he wanted multiple sex partners and me at home taking care of the rest. It hurts so much these days, but your result will take me to tomorrow.

      • My STBX tried the whole “I feel bad about myself” routine with me. It worked for a while — until the little light-bulbs started firing off in my head:

        1. Bad self-esteem doesn’t make a person lie to, gaslight, and verbally abuse ONE specific person (the spouse).
        2. Bad self-esteem doesn’t make a person risk his or her spouse’s life with STD’s.
        3. Sex with random people does not fix bad self-esteem.
        Rather, BAD CHARACTER causes these actions.

        I’m 100% certain of the above — because my STBX utterly destroyed my self-esteem in so many ways, for so long. Yet, I did none of those things. Not one. People with bad self-esteem still have agency.

        These revelations helped me (finally) to hold him accountable for his very conscious decisions.

        • I guess for me the light came after I explained to him, and apologized, for my responsibility in not making him desired. There was a problem there and as any sane and sensible person would do, I explained what happened, warts and all, and apologized.

          The asshole replied my letter (we were in opposite sides of the US by then, only talking by email) saying that he wanted so much to have another day to have sex with me, and make me love my body the way he loved it. I was “uh?”. Didn’t you tell me you felt a terrible lover because of me? And are you really saying that in just one night you are going to take me to the 7th heaven, when you could not do it in 16 years, when I loved and worshiped you? Only then I saw the lie. He never felt any of that. It was the excuse he got from his incompetent or red pill IC, I don’t know which one.

      • EXACTLY what I heard, Gato. Boggles the mind and same with wanting multiple sex partners while I waited patiently at home for my turn.

    • Amiisfree, If the cheater was ok with having one stable partner (chump) who was also allowed to have multiple partners, and if that chump was ok with the arrangement, that could have been another adult solution. But this requires certain negotiations from the outset.

      Mine told me recently “What can I do? Women flock to me! I am attractive!”, to which I said go enjoy your women, I am not one of them anymore.

      Then he said, “But it’s not about sex only, I am a curious human being, I like discovering live, I like discovering and learning from new personalities! And sometimes you HAVE to do it through sex as people open up to you!” to which my reply was why wouldn’t you then discover men? they also have personalities, poor creatures, and they also open up during sex. Give them a chance.

      Then he said, “All I want from you is to accept me unconditionally, the way I am.” to which I said “I have. Unconditionally. And I realize you go against all my values. So not interested anymore.”

      Then he said, “Why can’t you be one of those wives that feel proud of their husbands when they are surrounded by women? Doesn’t that make me more sexually attractive to you?” – Uuuuuuuummmm, no! sexually disgusting.

      Then he said, “There is this woman on facebook, she found a second wife for her husband when he asked. Why can’t you be one of those?” – Well, the difference between you, the cheater, and her husband, is that he came clean to her and asked for that favour (Still can’t believe things like this happen in the middle east, but they do, and it’s not part of my and my cheater’s culture, he just happens to live there), while you chose to lie and gaslight me making me believe I was the only one. “But if I said it to you, you would have disagreed!” – Correct. I would have. There is no polyamory in my language and values. I don’t judge others who want it and agree on it from the outset, but you knew I would not and you still wanted to pursue it. Buh-bye…..

      • longtimechump, send your cheater to Esther Perel — she can use him in her next book!

        • Yeah, I thought about it: Esther Perel interviewing LTC’s ex. They engage in the rhethoric only the two of them can understand but the audience is mesmerised with their dialogue peppered by new age-y terms. What a shit story.

    • To be clear, I don’t mean to suggest that adult solutions don’t exist. I mean that a person who lives with that staggering level of narcissistic entitlement running through his/her veins will never be willing to consider the adult options. It takes a real douchebag to think it at all feasible to agree to monogamy then secretly cheat. That person is not playing with a healthy full deck in the first place.

  • PROBLEM: sex life has dwindled to almost non existent
    ADULT SOLUTION: wife tries to instigate but gets ‘I’m tired but tomorrow I promise’ line. Wife asks if everything is ok. He says I’m just not in the mood lately it’s not you honey it’s me I’m just tired and stressed
    TRUTH: screwing the waitress at work

    PROBLEM: Living from payday to payday no money concerns but no future dreams or goals have ever been talked about so the living day to day living continues because …there’s no long term joint plan or even dreams.
    ADULT SOLUTION: Let’s sit down and do a budget together and let’s plan towards a goal we both want to work towards
    CHEATER SOLITION: Avoid all talk about plans and budgets. Screw the waitress

    • Yes! What’s the deal with these guys not wanting to have sex with their wives because they feel guilty for cheating on their “girlfriends”?!

  • Problem: I have a piece of shit “classic” car that I’ve been dragging around for half my life, across the country and taking up space in my family’s garage for years. I pull it apart in the middle of the summer, hauling the guts to the basement and pretending I’m going to be working on in said garage for the next 15 years of my life. Then I decide to blow up my life, get kicked out of my house and start spending cash like I’m on a gameshow where the object is to have actual moths fly out of my wallet. I need to move the car out of the house before it’s sold, but I’m bleeding money every month! I owe my STBX thousands in child support that she agreed to wait for until the house sold, WHAT DO I DO!!

    Adult Solution: Sell the car. Put the parts in boxes. Move the boxes. Put the car back together with the pieces it had in it for the last decade. Definitely DON’T buy new car parts.

    Cheater Solution: Buy new car parts. Borrow money from Daddy-Cheater-Pants. Leave car parts all over the garage, scattered amongst open Amazon boxes as evidence so that STBX will see them, become furious and want to rip of your balls. Get confronted about the thousands of dollars of unnecessary spending. Call STBX mean for taking the parts as collateral. Threaten to call the cops. Act like the piece of shit car is worth more than a marriage, family, stability, a child, a dog and a partridge in a pear tree.

  • Problem: (Cheater’s point of view) Wife of 14 years (together 19) has caught me cheating twice but has decided to forgive me and work on our marriage. But….I want both wife and mistress…Hmmm…

    Adult Solution: That’s not right or fair. I have a ten year old in the mix. I must make a decision. I can’t keep playing God with people’s lives.

    Cheater Solution: Wait, I know…I’m an IT guy. Let me just create a new email account…a new facebook account and yahlah…I can continue to be with my soulmate and stupid wife won’t ever know! Am I a genius or what?

    • That worked great for my cheater except he wasn’t smart enough to figure out that linking it to the main email account for password retrieval would come back to bite him and be how he was caught.

    • Ugh, my cheater X is an IT guy too. Used it to cover much more than he disclosed to me, I’m sure.

    • Cheater Woody is a computer science engineer too, and a whiz at all programming things, but got caught when his Google Hangouts chats synched to one of his many devices without his realizing it. I found it in a little box inside a little box at the end of his apps icons. I think there was some kind of update that went on and added a new “thing.” Thank goodness for progress!

  • Problem: My minister father left my mother for her best friend/choir lady when I was 16 years old. There was too much mayhem for anyone to prioritize me getting my license before punting me out into the world, even though I came from a remote area where cars were necessary. My parents let me drive without a license. I based college location and subsequent moves on not needing a car. I do not have a license but no one knows I don’t have a license. I now live in a place where a car is necessary most of the time.

    Adult Solution: Tell people your parents never taught you to drive and moved from an island that didn’t require a vehicle. You had a bicycle, like everyone else. Your co-workers and friends are surprised but gladly help you. Take your permit test, practice, take your driving test. ($150 cost and a month, at most, from start to finish.)

    Cheater Solution: Don’t tell anyone you don’t have a license. Move close to work and say you enjoy the fresh air of the walk and don’t have a car because you used to live on an island. When someone asks you to be the DD, you gladly take the opportunity to practice driving… because who is a drunk person to accurately remember how poorly you drive, at first? Build up driving skills and continue the farce with your girlfriend too. Then she becomes your fiance. Then she buys a new car so you can have her old one and takes that opportunity to put you on her insurance. You give her number off the out-of-state ID card (that looks like a license) and she yells at you to get a license in this state; it’s been 2 years that you’ve lived here, after all. She ::GULP:: takes you to the DMV and you come back from the counter, lying that your current state doesn’t have reciprocity with your old state and you need to start from scratch. You take the permit test. She schedules the driving test and drops you off for it… but you never take it, chill with OW instead, and tell her you passed, of course. Four years later, the large, international insurance company calls with fury, marveling that their system has *just now* realized that you don’t have a license… because they received notification from the state that your permit was about to expire. You rush out and take the test, getting the OW to bring you, and LUCKY FOR YOU, there is no penalty by insurance for such fuckup-ery. They’ve never encountered such a thing and have no procotol for retroactive sub-licensure. Your wife, unfortunately, gets an email about it and loses her shit. She is SO mad that you’ve been driving around without a license, risking your car being impounded every time you were pulled over (but got out of the ticket before it was even issued; you really are very smooth), and the ENORMOUS fines it would have been if you’d been caught.

    Proceed to amp up affair by telling OW how beaten down and emasculated you feel with your wife. You were SCARED to tell her the truth.

    • Wow, that one takes the cake! It illustrates the peculiar insanities of cheater mindsets.

    • The entitlement is high with that one. Jeez, even 15 year olds can get permits that turn into licenses.

    • Ha, ha, ha, emasculated. They all say that when they behave like whinging 13 year olds.

  • Adult problem: I discover my husband’s affair. We go to reconciliation counseling, husband swears to devote life to me. Says he will spend the rest of his life proving that I can trust him. Cries that I mean more to him than anything.

    Cheater Solution: Continue to call and text Schmoopie everyday, BUT get very smart and diligent at hiding and deleting all calls and texts.


    • How familiar that one sounds!

      Cheater Problem: I’m getting older and I’m no longer King of the Hill in my profession and the younger folks are getting more attention.

      Adult Solution: Recognize that aging is part of life. Decide to mentor the many people who need help getting started in the profession. Decide to spend time with your wife and family, who have sacrificed so that you can achieve your professional success.

      Chapter Solution: Start fucking a woman with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Introduce her to all your professional peers. Bring her to your home. Look the other way when she begins stalking your wife and kids. Get caught with her in such a way that everything you have ever worked to achieve is blown to smithereens. Continue to see her, despite repeated assurances that she is out of the picture. Act shocked when your wife divorces you and blame it all on her inability to “forgive” you.

  • Cheater problem: I didn’t feel accepted at home (whatever the hell that means) because you were too busy taking care of your health and I needed validation

    Cheater solution: *Saying* that I seeked validation from my guy friends at work, I *say* that I started doing what they were doing, which was gallivanting on female coworkers Facebook pages (the friends actually were not, in case you were wondering) and oh, when I *say* they dared me to go out when a coworker who was making googly eyes at me, for fear of being rejected by them (they knew he had a long-term, live-in girlfriend), I had to pursue her and go out with her. Oh, and in order to do that of course I needed to pretend I was single. (And remember chump, this has nothing to do with the other coworkers I was linked to previously, this is a different scenario.)

    Sane person solution: Speak up and discuss thing with your partner when you feel th- oh wait, there is actually no sane solution because the problem itself is made up!! CAKE!!

  • Problem: he is becoming increasingly disabled due to disease and he didn’t earn as much as he hoped selling his Silicon Valley company.
    Adult solution: Appreciate his actual accomplishments, which are still considerable. Plan financially for future disability expenses for himself and his kids future. Get a job he can do. Spend time with family doing the things he’s always wanted to do while he still can. Eventually apply for disability.
    Cheater solution: Lie blatantly about how much money he earned selling his company. Bolster lies by spending money that we can’t afford on cars and electronics. Claim he is getting better due to snake oil miracle cure and refuse real treatment. . Refuse to apply for disability for years until he no longer qualifies while also not working. Claim he can make unlimited amounts of money in the stock market with no risk. Ask me to quit my job to spend more time with him though it’s thing keeping us afloat financially. Claim I don’t love him because I refuse to quit my job. Cheat the entire time with the help we hire for his disability, give me an STD and run off.

    • And the crazy thing is — I also became disabled during this time period — I was in a wheelchair for several years and I also thought I had no hope of recovery. So it’s not like I didn’t understand what he was going through. Except I chose the adult solution. And then I found a cure that got me walking again.

      • He’s a special kind of sh#t chomping chump. I’m so glad you got better.

  • PROBLEM: Living paycheck to paycheck trying to pay down debt from his 18 months of unemployment.

    ADULT SOLUTION: Review financials, budget, and work together.

    CHEATER SOLUTION: Use his AmEx for all his “day to day expenses” so he isn’t part of the spending problem on the joint account —to the tune of $5-8K a month. AmEx is also the ONLY statement I have zero access too.

    PROBLEM: His over priced “Ultimate Driving Machine” needs monthly repairs and guzzles gas at an unbelievable rate because he drives like a flaming type A asshole.

    ADULT SOLUTION: Dump the sucker and find a more reliable vehicle that gets better gas mileage.

    CHEATER SOLUTION: Refuse to trade in vehicle and take a one time hit on equity because you are upside down by about $2000 and instead
    incur repairs and maintenance of over $5000 YTD because I’m sure image is everything to his skanks.

    • X opened up a checking account to supposedly deposit money into for hobbies, etc. as a result of sorting/selling his electronic doodads (IT guy). I didn’t have access to that, and why would I need it? It was essentially a short-term savings account. I accidentally received a paper statement saying he was withdrawing money from it while on business in Germany so he could go to titty bars with his co-workers AFTER he was supposedly making amends to me for the hooker use he confessed to me only a month or two prior. We trust, they abuse.

      • The kicker is he really didn’t seem to understand why I was upset (I didn’t let him back in the house when he got home…he decided to sleep in his car toward the foot of the driveway and stew over it, angry at ME). I think we see in many of these “cheater solutions” that they don’t ever accept responsibility for the shitty choices they make.

  • Problem: Cheater has an issue with gambling.

    Adult solution: Realise that you have a problem as this isn’t the first time. Talk to wife about re starting and get some help.

    Cheater solution: Lie again about re starting the gambling but take it further underground so wife doesn’t find out. Take out credit cards and pay pay loans to fund habit. Stop paying bills and then when questioned about it gas light wife and continue to lie. Make up elaborate lies about items that you have purchased. When wife questions these things confuse her by being loving and thoughtful one minute then condescending and withdrawing the next. Realise that wife is going to find out the lies so discard her and find a young replacement.

    Problem: Cheater doesn’t feel wanted anymore after birth of 1st child.

    Adult solution: Talk to wife about issues and realise that this is normal for families with small children.

    Cheater solution: Not say anything for two years and then tell wife you have replaced her with a younger model because of this problem.

    Oh yes I forgot part of the solution was also to get wife pregnant with 2nd child just before the discard but he didn’t feel wanted. Huh????

    • It feels like they try to make the life they’re ruining “stick” (or perhaps more nefariously trying to trap us into staying with their sorry asses). Confession of prostitute use came out a month before our daughter’s first birthday. Probably should have told me a little sooner there, buddy. Nope, let’s just keep this person tied to us as we see if the life we’re trying out works for us (never considering the other person — or people, if kids — involved).

      • Exactly he didn’t think or more likely care about the fact that he wouldn’t have to be pregnant, give birth, breastfeed, look after the child, potentially give up their career etc.
        He put as much forward thought in having our children as he did the actually consequences of his actions. I also think it’s a way to insure that they can run off into the sunset with someone new and because you are dealing with the children and the affects of the discard it’s not likely you will find anyone knew anytime soon.

        • Totally agree with that last part. No matter how close to feeling meh I get, to think about this makes me simmering mad at him all over again. Of course I’m going to care for my child and try to continue this whole family thing on my own since he destroyed what we had together. But now with all of his free time he already has a girlfriend (probably in the works before the divorce was even final) to “cure” whatever ails him, and I’m caring for our daughter nearly full time and struggling with my loneliness for adult partnership/company at the end of the day.

          • I’m in the same boat, ladies. He “let me” move back to my hometown with our 4 month old while he’s off chasing schmoopie (who is about to give birth to their child) and report to his far away military duty station. I am grateful beyond words for my daughter but it’s impossible to raise her alone and begin any sort of dating life. He’s such a shit.

  • Problem: with the help of my incompetent and red pill therapist I’ve decided the problem is that I’ve fucked too few women (4), so my self esteem is nonexistent. We also decided that the real root of the problem is that my wife is to blame as the real root of the problem, because she did not make me feel like a great lover, even if I know she has several problems including been sexually abused in the past.

    Decent adult solution: divorce my wife, for she can’t give me what I need or be multiple woman, and then fuck everything that open holes for me.

    Cheater solution: – fuck his cousin-whore, a broken toy who is not only immoral, but that was also abandoned by his teenager son (probably because she is a horrible human being) and his last partner, ergo, she is easy to use without consequences.
    – as he could not live a double life without being discovered, try to trick chump wife to stay while he “decides” who of the two he wants
    – after chump wife leaves and tells him she never wants to see him again, and knows he is actively hunting holes to put his dick in and build his self confidence, refuse to answer any of her lawyer’s letters regarding the divorce.

  • PROBLEM Husband doesn’t know how to communicate about uncomfortable feelings and avoids conflict, feeling injured by even the smallest of disagreements or differences of opinion. Wife becomes frustrated with his increasingly long silences and passive aggressive actions used to communicate what he won’t say. The more she attempts to communicate, the more sullen and resentful husband becomes. On the rare occasions when he does talk about his problems with the marriage, he gaslights, projects blame, and gunnysacks his wife with long lists of bottled-up resentments worded spitefully.

    ADULT SOLUTION Counseling, self-help books, mutual effort.

    CHEATER SOLUTION Lead a secret life of emotional affairs with troubled married women who make you feel good about yourself when you help them with their problems (especially their marital problems with asshole husbands). When that gets boring, find a damaged teenager who will adore you and never challenge you to be your soul mate and fuckbuddy. Preferably, make it your wife’s niece who is living in your home so you will have constant access and a plausible cover story for why you are so close. Also, this will get back at your wife for all the hurt she has caused you!

    When your wife finds out, tell her you have been unhappy for the whole 13 years you were married. She knew you had trouble communicating but she is really good at communicating and should have been able to read between the lines to make you happy! You needed to turn to others for validation because she made you feel so bad about yourself and afraid to express your real feelings to her. She conditioned you to be dishonest with her, but now you will be in the best relationship of your life with sweet young Schmoopie.

    • Wow. Thank you. You described my soon-to-be-ex-husband perfectly in your statement of the problem, and although our details don’t match perfectly, mine is also passive aggressive, involved in a series of emotional affairs and infatuations, the longest lasting with a “troubled woman” who is an ex-student with daddy issues who convinced him that he’s transgendered. And I, too, got the “you are more in touch with my emotional state than I am so it’s your fault if you let me become distant and disconnected and I had to seek out emotional connection elsewhere,” at the same time he was writing public emails at work saying he’s feeling “so emotional” that he’s “crying” over the work of a younger colleague with whom he’s infatuated.
      I’m sorry about your humiliation and discard for the niece, but you’re well rid of him!

    • WTF? Your niece, who lives with you? How old was she? Can you say predator?

      • Predator. Yep. I sent her home to my brother after I learned about the fucking. But a month after I left on my Road Trip to Meh, he moved her in with him to be his new primary source of supply. We all tried to tell her she’s being manipulated and preyed upon, but she won’t listen to anyone but him. They’re in twu wuv!

  • Oh boy, I think I could do these all day long but most have the same cheater solution. Many of mine stem from the hate journal cheater gave me after I left and I hadn’t raleized they were problems.( cause they were really just excuses he came up with when he decided to leave with schmoopie.)

    Problem: feelingit buys fresh produce and stbx finds it rotting in the fridge 3 weeks later so he has to throw it out.

    Adult solution: realize that feelingit is raising and homeschooling 5 children who each participate in multiple activities. She makes a family dinner every night. We almost never eat out and only get take out or pizza on rare occasions. Understand that meal planning can be a challenge and sometimes produce goes bad. Accept you may have to throw some out. Be grateful for healthy meals. Maybe even help with meal prep and cleanup to show appreciation.

    Cheater solution: accuse feelingit of being completely crazy and incompetent. Tell her she is a failure as a wife and mother. Tell her if she would just order her groceries online and not go to the grocery store so often, the produce wouldn’t rot. Leave feeling it, so now she has 100% care and keeping of shopping, cooking, cleaning…. Tell feelingit, your mom, lawyers, schmoopie how abused you were by crazy feelingit (After all, you had to throw out rotting produce)

      • Oh, yes this format is great!

        I often wonder how his mother and schnoopie would feel if they read his horrifying hate journal. They would write it off somehow because they are under his spell but it is full of his evilness.

        • This one is on my mind from journal today. He wrote about a night where feelingit came into the bedroom and complained about dreading a call she had to make to school dean of students the next day regarding son.

          In the journal he writes. “ the bedroom is for Fucking and for sleeping not talking”.

          I can hear schnoopie’s spackle now: That was just feelingit putting those evil thoughts in him. She abused him and made him say those awful things.

          I, Schmoopie, however, am the Goddess of twinkies. I am so amazing and treat this poor abused man like the king he truly is so he would never say or think those things about me, the epitome of new and fresh.

          We will forever have the most mind blowing sex imaginable and his majesty will love me until the end of time. I will be his queen. The bedroom will be reclaimed for lovemaking, joy, and meaningful conversation. All of our dreams will be sweet.

    • Feeling it- mine had no kindness for me being human either. Leaving toothbrush angled the wrong way as an issue. But hey- his mom thinks he’s perfect and hates every single woman he has been with (has nothing nice to say- we are dumb idiotic bad responsible loving women with no def and education) but jail bird, IRS debt, divorcee son who mistreats women is perfect

    • Wow you are me!. I homeschool 5 kids and have been known to throw out the odd punnet of toms. How criminal of us whilst we plan healthy food for our kids.

      Stbx is exactly the same as yours too!.

      We are mighty!.

  • Problem : Cheater wants multiple sex partners, claims polygamy is a good system.

    Adult solution : Talk to wife. When she offers an open marriage, as long as it is fair, assess and accept, or decide that monogamy is fine because you don’t want her to sleep with other people.

    Cheater solution : Rage at wife for ‘wanting to sleep with other men ‘. Lie. A lot. Tell her you don’t want an open marriage. Keep a long term girlfriend in another state anyway because you travel for work all the time and she’ll never find out. Find multiple OW on Facebook to tide you over when you’re not traveling.

  • Problem: Wife wants to talk about something.

    Adult solution: Use words to communicate thoughts in head.

    Cheater solution: Silently stare, shrug, and mumble “I dunno” to frustrate wife until she gives up and problem goes away.

    Which leads me to the observation of who differently cheaters and chumps identify what the problem IS. I thought lack of communication was a problem. He thought my expectation of communication was a problem. And therein lies a fundamental and irresolvable misalignment of character and values.

    • “I thought lack of communication was a problem. He thought my expectation of communication was a problem. And therein lies a fundamental and irresolvable misalignment of character and values.”

      Free Vix this was my life for 21 years! Eventually, any time I attempted to communicate, it got turned into the “problem” the cheater had and I ended up apologizing and offering what I could do to fix the problem (super chumpy). Now I realize this was blame shifting, avoidance, gas lighting, and a serious deficit in the cheaters life skills.

      Free Vix I wonder if this is a common cheater characteristic?

      • Notaddictedchump – No this is a common characteristic of people who have personality disorders. Their thinking is dysfunctional and they can never react normally or have a normal discussion with anyone. They see interactions as power plays and no other way. So when you are trying to discuss the issue, you are seeking a resolution, working towards mutual understanding. These disordered individuals see everything as a power play, of who is at fault. So if it’s a power play, it’s either they are at fault or you are, and since they don’t want to be at fault, then they blameshift and YOU are the problem. It never fails. They are wired differently than we are.

          • Exactly! Any time a person is dysfunctional, the interaction becomes one of gaining control and power over another. It’s never a mutual or reciprocal interaction, where it’s loving and kind. My parents were exactly like this with my father being a Narcissist, and my mother who is a Malignant Narcissist. Anytime I tried to communicate with my parents, they would argue me to death about normal things. I would tell them the sky is blue, and they’d both gang up on me and argue with me until exhaustion that the sky was pink with green lines. I lived through hell as a child, so I can relate as to your being married to a character disordered person. It makes my skin crawl…

            • Oh and I was SO difficult to get along with and was told by my parents that I had such a nasty personality. All for wanting to explain normal things to disordered folk. Yeah, I sure was the problem… Eye roll.

              • You are amazing- how did you break the cycle?

                I too, was always the one with the problem growing up so I guess it was easy for me to continue with that role with fuckwit.

                Ever the pleaser, I catch myself trying to please my children at all costs sometimes. I will catch myself sometimes now that I am aware but it ain’t easy.

              • Aww what a sweet thing to say Feelingit. I cut off complete contact from my parents for 6 years and I did 3 years in intense therapy. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my entire life, as during that time, I wanted to end my life as I lived a completely isolated existence without any family around, but I finally emerged on the other side free and my authentic self, full of vitality. I am the family champion that broke the chains of abuse.

              • Yes!! My parents were exactly the same way. They would say I was nasty or had an attitude or was always difficult. Made me perfect prey for narc

        • Kellia I appreciate you!!!! Your insight is very helpful. You are an inspiration to have gone through what you did with your parents and to emerge on the other side free and as your authentic self. In honor of the post earlier this week…I want what your having:)

          The understanding that you bring regarding interactions with these dysfunctional people (that it comes down to a power play and balance of power) provided a lot of clarity for me today. It was very hard to see the power plays with Tweaker (STBX) bc he was so quiet, easy going, and passive. I don’t know if the drugs changed him or if the drugs just let the mask slip to reveal true character but I can see more and more evidence of the issues that don’t have a fucking thing to do with me and nothing I did or could do would change his choices. Thankfully, I’m learning to pay more attention to his actions and not his words (still a work in progress on my part).

          Ironic that you use the word “power play” because that is what he accuses me of doing now with the kids. I told him I would never try to take the kids away from their father (regardless of what he did to me and to this day he never admits to cheating on me). But I found physical evidence of him doing meth and I asked for a hair follicle drug test (and the court saw fit to order him to take the test, he took it, and HE didn’t pass). Never mind that I had started suspecting a serious drug problem (months before he walked out on me) but I was lied to and gas lighted. Chumpy me wanted to trust my husband and I spackled and spackled! Now, I am accused of making a power play with the kids and I am accused of being a horrible parent, evil, and a vindictive bitch. This whole thing has taught me to trust my gut, not to trust a cheater, and not to ever fucking trust a drug addict! I guess these cheaters all have their own special combo of fuckedupness.

      • “Eventually, any time I attempted to communicate, it got turned into the “problem” the cheater had and I ended up apologizing and offering what I could do to fix the problem (super chumpy)”

        This, for the entire relationship. Amazing how unoriginal these people really are, and how much better you feel when you don’t have to massage their fragile little egos!

        • Yes me too. Whenever I went to him with a complaint about anything I ended up begin the one apologizing in the end. I stopped voicing my grievances because I didn’t want to offend him.

    • Agreed, FreeVix. Cheater’s family never openly discussed problems, but I didn’t realize how impaired that made him at whole thing until we got deeper into the relationship, when more disagreements/issues naturally arise. If you can’t express it, how are other people supposed to know and/or help you solve an issue?

      • Yes people who are dysfunctional never discuss issues. That’s why the dysfunction continues, because the issues are never talked about or addressed. That’s how my parents acted, they would get viciously angry whenever I tried to discuss issues or bring up a problem. They would aggressively shut me down, so the problems never got solved and we never moved forward, nor had peace as children. These people are sick individuals.

      • My ex’s family is that way. They are kind people but also very much of the put-on-a-brave-face-and-stuff-it-down variety.

    • Mine just never said what he really meant. Apparently “I can’t believe you are reading to the kids when there are dishes to be done” means “I am not getting enough attention (i.e. sex)”. Silly me thought it was about dishes being left in the sink for a couple of hours.

      I guess he tried to communicate he just never did it very effectively.

      • Maybe someone could write an app for that.

        Nah, the algorithm would be in a constant state of flux.

    • Very good point! They think communication is a problem because they do NOT want to share what’s inside their head or, even worse, have to think about what’s inside their head.
      They don’t want consensus, so to them talking = fighting and they try to avoid it for their own well-being.

      That’s no couple, that’s warfare.

    • In my case ex told me about a month before DDay that we weren’t communicating well and needed MC. He implied that I was equally responsible for this. I thought “great, we can fix some of the issues we have been having lately” (issues being that he was treating me like dirt). It turns out that he was the one who wasn’t communicating. He neglected to mention that he was fucking other women. I guess he was hoping the MC would help him figure out how to communicate that. Schmoopie’s husband communicated it before ex had a chance.

  • Problem: Pregnant wife WANTS more sex. And wants to not feel so unattractive/unloved in the late stages of pregnancy.

    Adult Solution: Talk to wife and support her during pregnancy. Be more attentive and affectionate (wife would have settled for this and not more sex).

    Cheater Solution: Sleep with wife but then go watch porn in the kitchen in front of pregnant wife as pregnant wife is cleaning up house and walking through kitchen. Then Cheater goes out to the garage and does Meth (or god knows what else) and comes in and spends an hour in bathroom masturbating and comes to kiss pregnant wife later (cheater reeks of vanilla scented lotion).

  • Mine is more recent than D’day. I can say I have hit Meh. I am now watching his childish bullshit play out with our youngest. So here is just a sample of the most recent crazy making behaviour.

    Dear youngest daughter ceased visiting her father back in June, no attempt by the Ex to rectify the issue legally, after having her big sister for a week and a half during school holidays Ex messaged DYD suggesting milkshakes to discuss any concerns she may have. She declined. Three months later Ex finally asked her what her concerns were, when she shared some surface issues that he could easily address, he did not even acknowledge what she had said in the moment, he instantly jumped to “would you consider going to a counsellor with me?” Knowing he does not believe in them she said yes. Ex jumped at the chance to triangulate in a third party to clean up his mess. DYD changed her mind on the Counselling when Ex could not tell her what he hoped they would get out of it, instead deflecting her question to me to answer because I have been studying for my degree in Counselling for the past three years. When I redirected her question back to him as I was not the “client” I was accused of passing the buck. Yes no matter how Meh you get you still have to manage the lack of insight they have, when co parenting.

    So DYD turned 13 last week, a big thing seeing she had cancer in 2014, we were an hour away at a national football comp that we have gone to for the past 5 yrs, her brother was playing I was also managing a team. No call from Ex in the lead up to her birthday, no call during the day, at 4pm he just shows up and expected her to leave with him. Maybe go for dinner and a movie. She says no, her brother is about to play in his semi, then my team were in their final which her brother would also take the bench for. He doesn’t care his son is playing, he attempts to bully her, she needs to compromise, just because it is her birthday does not mean she can call all the shots. He agrees to stay for the first game, does not watch our son, only looks up from his phone to take photos or selfies. Once the first game is over we head to the official area for my teams final with Ex following, I am so Meh, he could have sat in our interchange to spend time with not just DYD but also both her siblings (the grown up thing to do), but no he then insisted that she leave with him. She stood her ground, though frustrated at his behaviour she politely states she is not going and why. He then physically steps up to her, she is not a big 13, but it was a deliberate attempt to intimidate. I then say (still calm, still Meh) there will be no fight over this she has made her decision. The childish behaviour continues from Ex because his response was to snap at me “I’m not fighting with you” he then turned briefly hugged DYD wishing her a happy birthday. He then hugs her older sister saying goodbye to her and heads of. Not able to leave without a passing shot at me he says as he walks off “thanks so much for the support” in other words thanks for nothing. Meh, you’re welcome ????. DYD and her sister go grab dinner in the dining hall returning in time to see their brother come off the bench and score the winning goal. We had an awesome night. Later on our way to bed ( we were staying on site) I ask DYD what she got for her birthday from her dad, “I don’t know, I was only allowed to have my presents if I went to dinner” was her response. I apologised that this has happened but she assured me that it was ok she was glad she stayed. It is pretty sad when the just 13 yr old has more maturity than her 45 yr old father.

    If you are a newly minted Chump and are co parenting with a disordered cheater hang in there, remain the sane parent, the example, and don’t give a shit what your cheater says to you or about you. They are entitled to an opinion but it doesn’t pay rent so don’t give it space, they want you to feel as though you are the one messing up because it could not possibly be them, but smile politely because you know it is!

    • Thankful, you are mighty! What a great mom. You navigated that little minefield beautifully.

    • Thankful, your cheater and mine have the same brain function! The birthday scenario was so similar with my 15 yo daughter. He forgot until his mother reminded him and then he blamed my 21 yo son for not telling him, Then he calls her that day and expects her to plan a birthday outing with him. Meanwhile, he is leaving with schmoopie in 2 days for 10 day’s in the Bahamas. He still blames her for not planning something and told son he is donating the 80 dollar bracelet he bought her upon learning it was her birthday to goodwill because she didn’t plan an outing. WTH?

    • Thankful. They are not our problem anymore.

      My son stopped talking to his dad after he showed up at his soccer game with OW. Son didn’t ‘t even know about OW yet (just a couple months had past since his leaving and a month after baby sister was born).

      I finally convince son that he should do something with his dad for Father’s Day. Both older kids were afraid to go to dinner with him for fear that dad will surprise them with OW and neither is ready for that.

      They decide to have me drop them off at Outback and have dad meet them there with me nearby in case OW shows up and they want to leave. I buy a $50 Outback gift card so they can buy dinner.

      STBX gets pissed off about them wanting to meet them at the restaurant and refuses to go.

      Kids mail their card along with the gift card to his work (because they do not know where he is living).

      STBX sends them a text saying thank you but he would have rather spent time with them instead of a gift card. WTF?

      STBX then texts daughter asking her what he could do to get son to talk to him again.

      Daughter replies that maybe he should have gone to dinner for Father’s Day.

      STBX blames me and claims that I refused to cooperate and wanted to limit his access to them by not letting him pick them up.

      Daughter then texts back that meeting him was son’s idea, not mom’s.

      STBX then responds that it was Father’s Day, not son’s day.

      Daughter closes phone and refuses to repsond.

      • We ought to collaborate on a book. The crazy kid and dad text exchanges. I cringe every time I see my phone light up with a screen shot of texts from my kids. It is always can you believe dad said this and just when I think he can’t surprise me anymore, he does.

        The latest one berates 17 year old son for “dragging his mom into a discussion about (son’s) car insurance.” Really, dragging Mom in?, I am his custodial parent. He accuses son of dodging responsibility even though there is a court order saying stbx is responsible for auto insurance for son. It goes on and on about son being irresponsible and lacking in maturity.

        He ends it with #grow up.

        Need I say more?

      • GMF,
        The line ” STBX then responded that is was Father’s Day, not son’s day” made me LOL.

        My kids and I know too well that when it is about Ex it is all about Ex, and when it is about us it is still about Ex. I had to make allowances in our parenting plan that included him having them for an extended period of our summer holidays to include his birthday, on my birthday if they are with him I am luck to get a phone call. Everything is about them it is all part of the supply that feeds their ego. The minute you make noise that supply is being cut off watch the mask slip and the angry spill out.

        WTF? Gave her gift to good will? What an ass.
        Since separating Ex has insisted that all gifts given to our girls while with him are to stay at his house, this includes clothes, shoes, gift cards the works.
        DYD is visiting on Saturday for a few hours to celebrate her stepsisters 10th birthday, she is already planning what she is going to attempt to smuggle home as she no longer has regular visits. Partly I think she is curious to see what he will do, as she is not fearful of him.
        Big hugs to you and your daughter, this would not be easy and she deserves praise for not feeding the toxic behaviour.

  • Problem: After D-Day and filing for divorce, I go into labor with our 4th child. She is born emergency c-section and has a large blister on her hand. The doctors immediately tell me they believe she may have the STD HSV, which is often a dangerous, even fatal complication for newborns. Newborn is immediately whisked away for comprehensive medical testing (spinal tap, etc).

    Adult Solution: Give the team of medical professionals the truth about your sexual history when they ask you, so the Infectious Disease Specialist can create an accurate risk algorithm and treatment plan for newborn daughter. For example, I told the doctors the truth: I have had no physical contact of any kind with anyone other than my husband, since I met him as a teenager (with the date of the last time we were physically intimate, which was right up to D-Day).

    Cheater Solution: Lie to the Infectious Disease Doctors about ever having had sexual relations with your wife since the conception of child, giving the doctors a completely different timeline of events than your wife just gave and causing great confusion amongst the Physicians in charge of your newborn’s care. Tell lies because protecting YOURSELF from having the OW find out that you actually were sleeping with your wife the entire time of the secret affair is more important to you than giving the correct information to the doctors who are trying to protect your newborn daughter.

    (Every day I am so grateful that we both turned out healthy and received such meticulous medical care.)

    • There’s a special place in hell for a parent who risks his child’s health for his own pleasure

      • Thanks y’all ????

        The timeline all came down something called “seroconversion”, so accurate dates where literally essential. Every week of inaccuracy changed the risk algorithm greatly. Without the risk of my spouse’s extra-marital affair during my pregnancy, we had no risk. OW refused to supply her STD results, which would have provided at least some peace of mind during literally the most stressful experience of my life.

        While I was still in the hospital, recovering from the c-section and staying in my newborn’s hospital room while she was treated with anti-viral medicine, my then-husband forwarded me an email written to our children’s Gaurdian Ad Litem by his attorney (who was BFF with OW, also a divorce attorney) BLASTING me for our newborn’s hospitalization, saying it was my fault and my obstetrician’s fault (never cheating ex-husband’s fault). She then had the gall to list an entirely, completely false timeline of when I had last been intimate with my husband! As if she knew better than me! As if I would ever want an emergency c-section and a newborn with an extended hospital stay to be treated for neo-natal STDs!

        My ex-husband completely threw me under the bus with his bold lies. What he did is absolutely despicable and abusive.

        • Wow! How is it they want time with kids when it is apparent that they care so little for them…

        • Wow. Heinous doesn’t begin to describe this. I’m speechless.


    • That’s truly evil -so sorry you had to go through that. And really glad you are both healthy now.

    • Stalked, what a horrible man! I’m so happy that you and your daughter are okay.

  • Problem: kids aren’t doing their chores on the chore chart you made and posted in the kitchen.

    Adult solution: sit kids down and talk about it. Offer incentives such as allowance or special activities.

    Cheater solution: never say anything until you are ready to leave for schmoopie and then blame feeling it. Tell her she is crazy and incompetent and she sabotaged you by not enforcing the chore chart you created.

  • Problem: Infertility

    Adult Solution: Get tested to possibly determine reason for unviable pregnancies, consider options such as IVF or adoption, and/or focus on the positive aspects of a “childfree” life if the dream of become parents is never fulfilled, comfort wife while she grieves due to miscarriage

    Cheater Solution: Refuse any fertility testing stating that God must not want to give the couple any children, blame fertility struggles on wife because no one in husband’s family has problems conceiving as primarily evidenced by how husband himself is one of six children, husband tells wife that he can’t picture her as a mother anyway and that she wouldn’t be good with children (although she has essentially raised this Peter Pan syndrome “man” since dating in high school and she has been an elementary school educator for over twenty years, etc.), husband abandons 40+ year old wife and tells her that he doesn’t care about miscarriage because now he has a fertile twenty something OW, husband attempts to serve divorce papers on Mother’s Day (which were filled out in OW’s handwriting) knowing how heart-wrenchingly painful of a day this annual event is already for his childless wife

    • Her handwriting? Well we know who’s in charge in that affair. I think he’s already getting hit with the karma bus, he just hasn’t realized it yet. You need a real man who doesn’t let little girls tell him how to live his life. You need someone who will appreciate partnering with a mature adult woman.

    • HER handwriting? That’s stirring up memories that I refuse to acknowledge anymore.

      They all suck.

    • Ugh. What an evil monster. I’m so sorry for all you went through, Still I Rise.

    • What a piece of shit asshole!!!

      Sending big hugs to you Still I Rise. You are mighty.

      Infertility, abandonment, and miscarriage are each massive traumas that no woman should have to experience (much less experience them with a disordered dysfunctional asshole).

  • Cheater Problem: I’m unhappy with my job, my marriage and myself.

    Adult Solution: Talk to my loving wife (21 years married) who supports me in all of my job changes, is always willing to get some counselling and who constantly builds me up.

    Cheater Solution: Tell the married howorker about all my troubles. She understands me. Oh wait…she LIKES me. Yummy, yummy kibbles! Ditch wife and three teenage boys.

    • That sounds just like my ex except for him it was the married SAHM he met volunteering for a school event. Also, one of the teenagers was a daughter (oh yeah, this is going to strengthen that already strained relationship, not). Otherwise, pretty much the same.

    • Wow!! Exact same situation with me! We were married for 18 years, 22 years together. We have a nearly 21 year old. But I couldn’t believe how EXACT your story is to mine!!

  • New here! Boy, are these daily reminders helpful.

    Problem: husband of 9 yrs doesn’t feel “in love” anymore. We aren’t “connecting” despite my hypervigilance in this area. Five years ago he had an “emotional affair” with a friend of ours that lasted farrrrrr longer than I thought. Ever since I’ve been walking on eggshells determined to catch any signs of dissatisfaction or distance. I suggest date nights and make a point to connect sexually and in other intimate (emotional, intellectual) ways regularly.

    Adult solution: Speak up and acknowledge you feel like we’re missing each other in the midst of two careers, a preschooler and a baby. Own the trajectory of the marriage by being emotionally invested in it. Ignore the preschool teacher at your son’s school doing the “pick me” dance because you are married to a (admittedly!) damn good wife and have two beautiful young children.

    Cheater solution: Start private messaging said preschool teacher. Start having sex with said preschool teacher. Decide you now “love” the preschool teacher who knows you on a “deeper level,” despite knowing you for a grand total of 2-3 months. Randomly tell your wife at 10 PM one night (after you’ve played scrabble and binge watched Netflix) that you “can’t be married anymore.” “Life is too short to not be in love.” Leave wife, 4 yr old and 8 month old for preschool teacher. When wife calls school principal about the inappropriate relationship, stand by preschool teacher while she blackmails you about filing a false report with Department of Children and Families reporting you as an unfit mother. Stand by preschool teacher when she ACTUALLY calls and wife has to prove herself as a mother to the state. Preschool teacher “made a mistake.” She was “scared for her job.” “She’s a wonderful teacher and mother to the three year old daughter I also hang out with.”

    Action: beginning my road trip to Meh! No contact as far as I’m able. Talking through my parents as mediators regarding the children as much as possible. Ignore and/or minimal interaction at pick up/drop off of kids. Filed for divorce two months ago. Taking steps to build a new life for ME and my kids. Selling our home and finding a new one to make NEW memories with my children. I’m building a new future without an adult child I need to monitor for life satisfaction.

    • Welcome, Little Red. So sorry you have to be here. You sound like you are doing everything so right! Stay strong. (((HUGS)))

    • It looks like you are doing the adult solution. Good for you. Keep it up. You know your worth.

    • Hello, Little Red. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and are going through. Hopefully you realize that you lost a cheater and the cheater lost a great wife and gained a horrible woman. ((((HUGS)))) to you and your kids.

  • Just one more- you will get the pattern. It is kind of therapeutic though.

    Problem: there are crumbs on the kitchen floor when you come down in your bare feet in the morning.

    Adult solution: get a broom or a vacuum and clean them up. Talk to the family about after dinner cleanup and reinforce the chore chart. Understand maturity is a process.

    Cheater solution: don’t say anything, fume, throw the ones that stick to your feet into the sink in retaliation. Leave and blame feelingit. Tell her she is crazy and incompetent and she can’t do anything right. Tell her the kids are raising themselves. Go have sex with schmoopie and tell her your wife Is mentally ill.

    • Yup. Its our fault when the kids don’t turn out perfect. True when the dog isn’t perfect either. If their own efforts at parenting don’t work (after two years as a SAHD) that’s our fault too because we didn’t provide enough support.

      • And course Schmoopie’s kids are perfect. They are “normal” and know how to socialize. Never mind that they completely ignored our kids the one time we went to their house for dinner pre DDay, but I guess hospitality is not a priority for ex. How my kids treat others generally is a higher priority for me than how “cool” they are, how many sports they play or how many scholarships they earn (although I would certainly be pleased by that and shower them with praise).

  • Problem: Cheater wants to move on in life with OW now that he realized wife will no longer take him back

    Adult Solution: Own the incredible amount of hurt you have caused to your wife and kids. Meet with your lawyer and put together a generous settlement proposal so that your wife and kids know that they will be okay financially and to keep divorce quick and simple (and thereby try to salvage enough of a relationship to co-parent)

    Cheater Solution: Turn in every request for documents late and with pieces missing so she has to request it again (“You’re not the boss of me”). Spend the first year hiding assets and funnelling self-employed income through OW to try and hide assets and lower income used in support calculations. And hardly ever see your kids or execute your parenting time but then blame your wife for your bad relationship with kids.

    • As you know, my cheater learned went to the same problem solving school as yours- they were probably co valedictorians.

    • Raising my hand *me too me too me too! I have one of these special turds too! Not enough to lie, cheat, and abandon household with two teen daughters still at home (3rd in college at time). Two and half years later, $100s of thousands of dollars in legal and forensic fees later, pos still fighting document production. Has on paper run the community business into the ground, and is paying himself less than he has made in the last 15 years of our marriage. Oh, and MOWhore/employee is his right-hand-gal and the two of them make all of the decisions regarding the business together. These assholes are all the same, every last one of them. Trust they suck.

      • If this was any other type of partnership in business, a court would come down hard on the partner doing this crap, but in a divorce settlement, we seem to get screwed in the interest of equitable distribution. I don’t see how judges don’t order these jerks to repay the injured spouse all of their legal fees that it took to prove their shenanigans. Selfish assholes.

        And if one more person says to me, “Can’t the two of you just sit down in a conference room and get this settled?”, I may scream. I do not want to be that person who airs all of their dirty laundry to the world. I am not afraid to state a summary, but no one wants to believe he could be capable of screwing us over financially, too.

        • I would be tempted to reply to those who think you should just work it out “What part of he is an immature, narcissistic, sociopathic, disordered, fuckwit don’t you understand?”

          But I know you have to be polite and know in your heart they just don’t get it.

          Sucks majorly!

  • Problem: He wants, oh so badly, to sell the longtime home out from under his family – me and our two high school age kids – and move 100 miles away to a patch of dry desert, to a two bedroom house (see two high school age kids above, daughter and son – one does not get a bedroom, “It’s ok, they’ll be leaving for college in three-four years and they’ll make new friends.”) because, and ONLY because, this house has two giant garages – his dream.

    My solution: ask to wait a few years to sell the house till the kids are launched, manage our finances better so we could pay cash for such a place, and ask to be involved with the selection of my next home.

    Cheater solution: start an affair with an older coworker, begin to devalue me to our daughter and his family as “she’s so mean and controlling,” begin the discard being cold and disconnected to me, being hypercritical and should I ask to discuss, pick fights and make it all my fault, then finally abandon me with no warning and completely refuse to speak to me, let alone explain, and move directly in with the affair partner who then sells her house and … buys him his house with his dream garages on a patch of desert 100 miles away.

  • Problem: Business going bankrupt, but don’t tell the wife anything about it because women are not equals in my culture.

    Adult solution: Talk openly and honestly to wife about business problems. Make financial decisions together as a team/family, and stick together through thick and thin.

    Cheater solution: Don’t talk to the wife about financial problems, just bury my head in the sand about the money issues, and keep her clueless so I can blame her later for not giving me the empathy I needed when my business was going belly-up, which I will use as an excuse later for f**king karaoke bar hookers, because I “needed somebody to talk to and they gave me their shoulders to cry on” (they also gave me STDs, because I refuse to f**k with condoms on, and in the country we live in you can get away with that if you pay double).

  • Problem: Cheater has a serious gambling problem. Racks up $30,000 in debt in mere months prior to separation.

    His solution: he asks me to contact my bank to open a $30,000 line of credit solely in my name to alleviate his stress.

    My solution: lie and tell him I did contact the bank and applied for the line of credit and the bank said no “so sorry.”

    Problem: Fast forward three months – month of December and he comes to me devastated that he blew the mortgage money and has zero money to buy out child Christmas presents.

    My solution: tell him I’m leaving and charge child’s Christmas on my credit card and we separate.

    His further solution: fly to the US where he visits a casino and blows his entire $10,000 line of credit in a few hours.

    Dream house sold March – I have to pay $8,000 off of the gambling debt that is on my credit card. He takes his portion of the sale of the house proceeds and pays off the $30,000 he so diabolically tried to bury me with just months prior.

    My solution: put him on child support through the government and go no contact.

  • This is slightly off topic but I have a problem for which I am seeking adult solutions.

    Problem: cheater’s cousin whom I have known since she was 8 years old and is now 37 got married at the courthouse a couple of weeks ago. She is having a reception at the end of the month and invited me and the children. I babysat for her when she was young and she did the same for my kids. Her mother saved my sanity when my kids were younger by coming to get my kids on her day off and taking them to do fun things. She was a surrogate grandma.

    Cousin is a lawyer and she was the one who encouraged me to get a lawyer and helped me find a good one when stbx stopped contributing money.

    Cousin asked if children were invited to stbx 50th birthday this weekend. Answer is no. She was going to offer to take them.

    I asked if Styx is invited to her wedding reception. Answer is “we decided to invite all the “insert our surname” This would include his parents and brother as well.

    We are in high conflict divorce. Fuckwit’s parents are completely supporting him and helping him hide assets. They are estranged from me and my children as is fuckwit who most likely won’t go but it is a possibility.

    For obvious reasons to a chump, I do not want to go now. I can decline but do I owe explanation? I can’t see why they don’t get that I wouldn’t want to be at a party with stbx and parents.

    Thanks for any thoughts on adult solutions.

    • It’s my opinion now that I don’t owe anything to anybody. Having said that, there are people with whom I want to have a relationship later, and people I don’t care about. I give explanations only to the first group, and if cousin (this word hurts me immensely now, and I see it everywhere: cheater’s ow is his first degree cousin) is somebody who cares about you, she will understand your not wanting to go to the party without any explanation. If they don’t get it, then you need to get a rest from them. I’m very short on patience these days.

    • Gah. I think I would send a lovely gift, and my regrets. It sounds like you and your cousin are close, so I think you can tell her why: “It’s not going to be comfortable for us to be in the same room. Have a wonderful wedding, and let’s go have lunch/dinner/picnic/something together next week/month to celebrate.” Let the kids go, if they want to (if old enough to go without you, and there will be plenty of other relatives there to look out for them).

    • Feeling it that sucks that they don’t seem to get it, totally understand why you don’t want to go,imho you don’t owe an explanation however if you choose to because of your connection, to keep it brief with good wishes for the event and add something along the lines that you are declining “in order to avoid any difficulties” or if you wish to spell it out “avoid contact with X”
      Hope you can do something nice at that time instead.

    • I wouldn’t go. If kids want to go with STBX, then he can take them (of course, that is assuming they would even want to go with him). You can send a note or call the cousin and just explain that it would be too uncomfortable if STBX was there as well.

      I deal with the same stuff with my STBX’s family. I am still close with his sister, but I have put distance between me and his dad. He wants to pretend that we are just getting divorced and he has moved on. He now welcomes OW into his home and he stays with them. If he comes into town and wants to have dinner with the kids, we will go, but he made a choice to overlook and try to stay ignorant of the shitty things his son has done and continues to do. And he made the mistake of talking about OW to me in casual chit chat. To me, that shows a lack of respect and empathy. No thank you. I have enough of that for a lifetime. Like Gato, I no longer have patience for that anymore.

    • “Dear Cousin,

      “After thinking about it further, I’ve decided that it’s best that I attend the wedding only and not the reception. It’s going to be a wonderful day for you and Husband-to-be and I’d rather eliminate the possibility of any negativity between Cheater/Cheater Family and I by excusing myself from the reception. I look forward to seeing you walk down the aisle! <3"

      • Perfect. Definitely do not go to the reception, Feelingit, as I suspect it will be extremely awkward (with the potential to ruin the bride & groom’s event). You are now in an adversary relationship with cheater and anyone who is assisting him. No point crossing enemy lines to subject yourself to unfriendly fire.

      • But it sounds like there is no wedding as it was held previously at the courthouse. I think the writer needs a way to manage a wedding celebration that is only a reception.

        I would lean toward going because you value the bride so much. I’d also lean toward not staying long. Make sure to congratulate the bride and groom, thank them for including you, wish them all kinds of happiness. Make a quick courtesy stop with any other relatives you want to touch base with. Then leave–discreetly. No drama. If your invitation includes a guest–bring one who has been prepped to help you make sure this plan gets carried out and who can run interference for you as necessary. This is the married couple’s day–if you can manage to acknowledge your long relationship and then slip away, I think it is the right thing to do. I don’t know if I’d bring my kids along as I’d be viewing this social engagement more as an appointment with etiquette than a party.

    • It is her wedding reception which should be about her and her spouse. Would the inevitable drama that would ensue if you came be worth taking away from her event ??

      The other issue and this is the really hard one is that she is part of HIS family and you technically are no longer related. A very hard thing about my divorce after 15 years of marriage was getting cut off from many people that I had known since they were young but Ex demanded it and sadly since it was her family, she had a right to. Even now, 5 years after divorce was over I recently sent her cousin (who I’ve known since she was a girl) a nice note because she was diagnosed with breast cancer and is having a tough time. Her cousin mentioned how nice it was to hear from me to Ex and Ex called me up ranting and raving and “how dare I interfere with HER family”.

      My opinion, send her a nice gift and card and she should understand why you can’t go. On the QT after the event maybe you take her out to dinner.

    • Thanks for all these great replies. I will be going with the consensus and let her know that I love and appreciate her but this would be too awkward and invite her and her spouse to dinner at our house at a later date. We will give them a nice gift.

      • Feelingit, you might also want to make it clear that you will never knowingly attend any event where Styx is invited (assuming that is what you want to do). Maybe not now, in the middle of the divorce, when such statements can make it back to Styx, but later it might be helpful. I went through this kind of thing with Switzerfriends post-divorce. Amazingly, some people cannot comprehend that a chump and their x will not socialize happily ever after, making everyone’s social lives easy and comfortable. I kinda think that the classier you act about the cheating and the divorce, the more delusional and elevated become Switzerland expectations.

        Even after I told these Switzerfriends straight up that inviting him means I’m not coming, they still acted confused and hurt and accused me of trying to control them. It really clarified the situation for me. One friend got it and we are closer than ever. The rest, pffft, I avoid them as much as I can. And I have been making some awesom new friends. Hopefully your cousin would be like the friend I salvaged. But being really really clear about your boundaries can be helpful.

    • Just decline with thanks, send a gift if you like. Later, meet the happy couple with your children for a small celebration.

      Let the kids go if there is an adult who is willing to be responsible for them. If not, decline the invitation due to a “conflict”. It’s not necessary to mention the divorce, etc. I’m sure she knows about the difficulties.

  • Problem: faithful wife busts me living a secret double life and takes my assets and my money

    Adult solution: be truthful, budget carefully, downsize

    Cheater solution: continue to lie my ass off especially to OW, borrow to give her a huge church wedding, buy a diamond ring, and purchase an enormous over-priced mansion in the country club, blame struggle to keep this lavish lifestyle up on child support

    • Before DDay:
      Problem: wife is not exciting and does not worship me
      Adult solution: have reasonable expectations, notice all the ways she does appreciate me, connect and communicate with my beloved, realize I am not God
      Cheater solution: sneak, lie, betray, sleep around, be sure to lie repeatedly to my children, spend hours in the bathroom with my phone, take out large amounts of cash, suddenly discover my job requires overnight meetings (wink, wink), pick a girl who is 31 years younger than I am and see if my wife can compete against that, convince OW that I am indeed God

  • Problem life with young kids is full and busy. You want your wife to work full time, and take care of the kids and their activities and run the entire household because you are the major income earner so should not have to do anything else but relax yet she seems quite busy and you feel she is not meeting all of your needs.

    Adult solution openly and maturely discuss options and solutions. make couple time and family time a priority appreciate this busy time and count your many blessings.

    Cheater solution, be discontented and feel entitled. decide that you need more that what your wife has to offer but that you will keep it secret from her, flirt with females especially online, keep your wife from your work events and hook up with a single coworker. If your wife tries to discuss any issues ever stonewall and lie, When she finds evidence of your dishonesty and cheating lie gaslight rage and lie some more. Say you are discontent and explain the ways in which she needs to try harder, but refuse to discuss it further because she should just know, reject any suggestions she makes and get very angry if she ever tries to discuss anything. sulk and rage if there are ever minor difficulties because your life should be perfect with no tribulations or trials ever. Decide because you are the main income earner to secretly buy yourself many treats while you control the family finances with an iron fist. When your chump finally wises up be very vindictive.

      • LOL They must have had the same disordered playbook.

        Rennyroo here’s hoping that you are moving towards being well away from that sort of disrespect and unkindness now. CL, CN and no contact are my so helpful to go forward positively.

  • Problem #1: You have a high paying job, three amazing kids and a devoted and faithful wife who loves you but you still feel unfulfilled, unappreciated and dissatisfied with life.

    Adult solution #1: Count your blessings, pay attention to the good things in your life, notice all of the positive things about your kids, notice all of the things your wife does every day to show that she loves and appreciates you, notice how much you have accomplished in your career and take pride in that. Take pride in being a good father and husband who looks after his family. Spend more time with your family and the people who love you. Do nice things for the people you love and when they are happy, be happy that they are happy. If all of that fails, go see a counselor who can help you figure out why you are so unhappy.

    Idiot solution #1: Cash in a term life insurance policy and go buy an airplane

    Problem #2: The airplane didn’t make you happy

    Adult Solution #2: See Adult Solution #1

    Idiot solution #2: Decide it’s your high paying job that is making you so miserable and quit (but keep the airplane which is expensive to hanger and maintain)

    Problem #3: You quit your job, you are a stay at home dad (by choice) who gets to spend more time with his kids and who is also working on his dream of becoming a flight instructor with the support of the wife who is now working longer hours in order to support the family so you can pursue your dreams but you still aren’t happy.

    Adult Solution #3: See Adult Solution #1

    Idiot Solution #3: Complain to your wife that she doesn’t make enough money. Then decide that you can’t stand where you live and that is what is making you so unhappy so find your wife a new job in your home state and uproot the family and move them half way across the country where they all get to start over with making friends and settling into a new location. Meanwhile lose touch with all of your own friends, especially the more sensible of your guy friends.

    Problem #4: You now live in the state you want and you have just gotten an opportunity to fast track your new career as a flight instructor with the support and admiration of your wife but you are still unhappy. You look around. What’s left? Ah ha, it must be the wife (the one who went along with all of the above in order to try and accommodate your happiness) who is making you so dissatisfied with your life.

    Adult Solution #4: Talk to your wife about what is making you so dissatisfied and ask her to go to marital counseling with you. Work hard at being a better husband while she works at being a better wife so that you can strengthen the marriage and both feel loved and supported again. If that doesn’t work then respectfully divorce your wife who by that time will probably agree that it isn’t going to work if the counseling didn’t help.

    Idiot Solution #4: Decide that your wife is to blame for everything that has gone wrong with your life and is at the root of your unhappiness. Have two affairs and leave your wife for Schmoopie 2.0 because you are convinced that she, finally, will be the key to your happiness even though you still aren’t really all that happy. You will be though. All you have to do is get over the wife so you can move on. Then there is also the complication of how to continue to be a dad to your kids and the fact that you will be living in poverty what with the asset split and the child support and you still don’t want to give up the airplane. But Schmoopie will surely be worth it because she gives such an amazing blow job after all. She must love you unlike the wife who put up with all of your crap for 20+ years.

    Problem #5: To be continued…

    • Chumpinrecovery, what a perfect template! I will be happy when…

      If you give a mouse a Cookie…

    • Indeed to be continued. That constant dissatisfaction seems so likely to continue, whereas your kindness and adult life skills will take your forwards, all the better with that disorder far far away.

    • Chumpinrecovery, you’re right! We have almost the same story. The STBX didn’t have a plane though, but the constant unhappiness is identical. If I’m honest, I am feeling more and more relieved every day that I don’t have to put up with that anymore. No more eggshells to walk on. My kids talk about how peaceful our home is now. My smile is coming back too. I’m devastated that he didn’t just leave to find his happiness – he cheated instead – but that’s on him. I have a bright future and I am mighty…nearly anyway…because t’s not quite Tuesday yet! ????

    • They will never be happy. That is my consolation. I know he will never be happy because that is his attitude. My STBX was spot on the same as yours airplane and all!!! I however, was, still am, and will continue to be as “happy” as I can with life. I will take the lows and ride the highs. Here’s to Tuesday!!!

    • ChumpInRecovery, this was some awesome reading. Thank you for sharing. Happy for you that you are rid of this person who doesn’t deserve you and your time/love/effort/etc. Hope you’re living a lovely life with your kids. He will fall on his ass at some stage – that’s the beauty of karma.

    • chump in recovery, I feel for you; I have been there It’s always something else, and nothing is ever good enough, so naturally, they turn to adultery!!

  • Problem – i work away from home 5 or 6 days a week with “fun” other woman. You are too independent you dont “need” me (we have 5 children that i have basically brought up alone, i had to be independent). I was her “saviour” solving all the problems at work no one else could, she made me feel valued, so i fucked her as an “extension of friendship, nothing more.”

    Adult solution – COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR SPOUSE!!!! Realise that the OW was gradually taking even more time away from your family through your own choice. Recognise that the work “banter” wasnt just that but flirty seed planting on both parts and that a person with no moral character could not resist. Ask yourself why and identify the boundaries that are being crossed and say NO!

    Cheater solution – take OW out for drinks, decide to work out how you feel for her and your spouse by fucking OW. Be wracked with “guilt and shame” but because youve already crossed that line, the very next time you find yourself alone with OW, fuck her again (on a building site i might add – classy).

  • Problem: wife gets fired from job, failed birth control and finds out she’s pregnant, diagnosed with a disease, and finds out about affair all within the same week all while trying to keep it together for the kids sake.

    Adult solution: have a sit down with wife, come up with a solution to a now one income household, reassure the wife that the accidental pregnancy is alright and will be a blessing just like the other two children, be supportive during the time of wife’s new diagnosis and help out where needed with the kids and promise to stop the affair to work on reconciling the marriage.

    Cheater solution: become a sadz at work and confide how unhappy life is for him and how he’s stuck in a bad marriage and take on an ow (motherwhore) twice his age while she’s is a complete nut case. Instead of taking on stress properly, he becomes a chainsmoker and alcoholic pill popper just like his lovely motherwhore. Tells ow he’s been living with his parents for a while while finalizing a divorce with the chump wife (which by the way I never even knew he was unhappy let alone wanted a divorce) bonus he even tells her he doesn’t have children.. tells the wife everything is going to be ok with the unexpected pregnancy ( yet I read a text to motherwhore that I purposely got pregnant to set him up so he couldn’t leave me) then turned around a few days later and suggested an abortion. Blamed me for losing my job (my company merged and downsized) and stated that I would now be a burden and how he hates to go get a second job to support the family ( que 3 year old tantrum) never cared or supported wife during scary diagnosis, nor care to check on current pregnancy instead he runs off with motherwhore to live with her and completely abandon his family. She lives with a man and rents a room in a cramped 2 bedroom apartment so now husband downsized from a 2 bedroom 2 bath townhome to a bedroom with his trailer trash disordered motherwhore. He false wreconciles twice when motherwhore kicks him out and his parents changed the locks to their home and told him we don’t condone your behavior so you cant stay here so he runs to silly chump wife and tries to cake eat but once I blew the lid on that operation, yet again he runs back to motherwhore.

  • Sorry for being long winded but here it goes

    Problem: wife gets fired from job, failed birth control and finds out she’s pregnant, diagnosed with a disease, and finds out about affair all within the same week all while trying to keep it together for the kids sake.

    Adult solution: have a sit down with wife, come up with a solution to a now one income household, reassure the wife that the accidental pregnancy is alright and will be a blessing just like the other two children, be supportive during the time of wife’s new diagnosis and help out where needed with the kids and promise to stop the affair to work on reconciling the marriage.

    Cheater solution: become a sadz at work and confide how unhappy life is for him and how he’s stuck in a bad marriage and take on an ow (motherwhore) twice his age while she’s is a complete nut case. Instead of taking on stress properly, he becomes a chainsmoker and alcoholic pill popper just like his lovely motherwhore. Tells ow he’s been living with his parents for a while while finalizing a divorce with the chump wife (which by the way I never even knew he was unhappy let alone wanted a divorce) bonus he even tells her he doesn’t have children.. tells the wife everything is going to be ok with the unexpected pregnancy ( yet I read a text to motherwhore that I purposely got pregnant to set him up so he couldn’t leave me) then turned around a few days later and suggested an abortion. Blamed me for losing my job (my company merged and downsized) and stated that I would now be a burden and how he hates to go get a second job to support the family ( que 3 year old tantrum) never cared or supported wife during scary diagnosis, nor care to check on current pregnancy instead he runs off with motherwhore to live with her and completely abandon his family. She lives with a man and rents a room in a cramped 2 bedroom apartment so now husband downsized from a 2 bedroom 2 bath townhome to a bedroom with his trailer trash disordered motherwhore. He false wreconciles twice when motherwhore kicks him out and his parents changed the locks to their home and told him we don’t condone your behavior so you cant stay here so he runs to silly chump wife and tries to cake eat but once I blew the lid on that operation, yet again he runs back to motherwhore.

    • Newchump89 the meaness and disorder of your cheater makes me sad and angry on your behalf. No need to apologise for explaining the details, glad you have found CN. Wishing you strength and wellbeing as you go forward.

      • Thank you so much for your kind words. As I am near the ending of my pregnancy (37 weeks pregnant and 2 cm dilated so far) I have reached a point of acceptance. I was married to a psychopathic narc and everything I thought we had was all a lie. I’m still grieving what I thought we had but I am looking forward to the future with my three princesses. Meanwhile he has been completely turned away by not just my family but also from his own flesh and blood family (as they are not condoning his behavior and have vocalize they have my back 100% with this) so all he has now is his motherwhore ( I call her his motherwhore because she’s twice his age and takes care of him, yet she can barely take care of herself, has a son three years younger than my husband and lost custody of her other two kids). His life has gone to shit. He had everything with his life with his kids and I but he chooses her over his own mother ( let motherwhore disrespect my MIL threatened to punch my MIL if she saw her, text me late at night and harrases MIL whenever she can) he allows her to talk shit to everyone but makes her block us so she won’t be “abused by us” told me and his family to stay out of his life, so his own parents want nothing to do with him. He’s now trying to make him and motherwhore look like victims.. I can’t make this up even if I tried. It’s sickening and I’m so over it!

        • NewChump89, this is epic! I am so glad his parents are in your side, that is totally awesome! Menaing you have full support of EVERYONE, on both sides, and your daughters will have two sets of grandparents/aunts and uncles/cousins etc. This is gold. Plus, you’ll have the added bonus of free entertainment – aka, watching him ruin his life, but as a spectator form the outside because you’re not part of his life anymore. My oh my, won’t he have a serious case of the sadz. This is so delicious – you have the upper hand on all accounts. Stay that way, don’t ever take him back!

          Best wishes for a smooth birth ✨

          • @left him at the airport

            Thank you for the wishes of a smooth birth ???? I am looking forward to it cheater free (He’s already done the poor me, chump wont let me be present for the birth of the baby speech, too bad no one cares to listen ????) It’s my time, I will have who I want there and its going to be about me moving forward. I’m on a tough, unfortunate yet inevitable journey and I am fortunate that I’m not going at it alone. Cheers to us chumps who left a cheater to gain a life!

            • You are awesome! And your kids are going to reap the benefits of your awesomeness as they grow.

              Oh, he wants to be at the birth now? Oh well, that’s too bad very sad ???????? …Oh, and f**k him. You call the shots now. How sadz for him ????

              I must say again, I love how you have the support of his family. hes got nobody but his motherwhore. I love this ending.

              You and your children will have a fabulous life without him. Gather support from those around you and keep moving forward. Onward and upward!! I’m actually getting a great vibe here…I think your future is very bright! Success is coming your way ✨

  • Problem: Wife insists on sharing housework instead of doing everything and letting me play video games all night. She becomes more insistent after watching our baby all day, cooking dinner, and going to graduate school at night. I have time to help, but I really prefer to spend it on fun things.

    Adult Solution: Discuss expectations, work out which household tasks need to be done daily and share the workload because I’m a grown-up and this is also my house and my family.

    Cheater Solution: Promise to “do better.” Convince wife to have 2nd baby despite her misgivings. Resent every time I have to mow the lawn or clean the litter box during her pregnancy. Act nasty when she takes naps during first trimester. Start affair with family friend when wife is 6 months pregnant. When wife finds out and demands to know why, tell her, “I knew Schmoopie’s husband doesn’t do any housework, so all I’d have to do is occasionally do dishes and she would be really grateful.”

  • Problem #1 – I’m not happy with my body

    Adult Solution – Join a gym and workout

    Cheater Solution – Join a gym, hire a personal trainer, and sleep with him

    Problem #2 – I’m not getting promoted at work and I don’t know why

    Adult Solution – work harder or look for better jobs

    Cheater Solution – conduct an open affair with a married COW and maybe THAT will impress the boss

    Problem #3 – I’m not happy with my life

    Adult Solution – Life’s not easy, raising kids isn’t easy, working for a living isn’t easy – so understanding that, work on finding ways to enjoy your life while handling adult responsibilities to others

    Cheater Solution – sleep with the personal trainer in order to make your married boyfriend jealous enough that he finally leaves his wife for you, so you can then leave your husband and the kids and everybody will love it and things will just be great!!

    • Sorry blindside, these things are not funny but this format has me rolling with laughter!

      • I’m glad I’m at that point now where I can look back and sort of laugh at it. The one thing in common in all of our stories is that it’s all just so pathetic.

  • Adult problem: It rained today.
    Cheater solution? Screw a coworker.

    Adult problem; A squirrel threw a nut at a barking dog.
    Cheater solution? Screw your co worker again.

    Adult problem; The trash man tipped over the container…
    Cheater solution? Screw co worker.

    >> Yes, friends, you too can own a can of “Screwitall!” The multi use, multi purpose, multi problem multi task degreaser and solvent NOW comes in a convenient 6 pack for $9.99.

  • Problem: Youngest child is struggling in school and it’s taken 3 years of testing to try and pinpoint a learning disability. I’ve spent 3 years taking child to special tutoring 3 days a week every day after school for three years.

    Cheater solution: Blame learning disabilities on “mom trying to make something wrong with the kid” and simplify struggles to laziness (that mom lets him get away with). Mom should simply request teacher give him twice as much homework as the rest of the kids. Refuse to even consider trying ADD meds and insult mother for mindlessly subscribing to overmedicated culture. 2 years later, after he gets caught cheating, use sorrow over not having a brilliant, alpha male stud child as part of excuse for cheating. Yep, it’s all about what Cheater wants in a kid right???? not about loving his child unconditionally.

    Adult solutions: A total of 7 long years from the start of learning problems and mom working her ass off to find solutions (1 year into divorce), School grants final IEP meeting. Mom shows up to go over plan and sign paperwork. Cheater texts 5 minutes after meeting is to start (which we are holding up for him) says he wouldn’t make it, because meeting time was in calendar wrong. He literally lives 5 minutes from the school.

    • Got a brain, right there with you on the LD‘ S. I have the T-shirtfor four of my five kids.

      Adult solution: work with teachers.

      Cheater solution: blame teachers make them cry.

  • Problem: 14 year old daughter is hurt and angry with cheater father for blowing up marriage and immediately moving in Schmoopie and her two ‘replacement’ daughters. Daughter refuses to see her dad and declares that she wants to live with mom full time.

    Adult solution: Recognize and acknowledge that daughter is hurting and with good reason. Attempt to make amends by offering to do activities that daughter enjoys. Focus some serious attention on her as she processes this huge change. Get to really know daughter and recognize that you spent the first years of her life totally distracted by work, your own trips and hobbies, and fucking another woman. Aim to be a better parent in the midst of the chaos.

    Cheater solution: Refuse to take the “Parenting After Divorce” course strongly recommended by your legal counsel. Spend all of your time with replacement daughters as you try to win them over. Offer to bring daughter along to replacement daughter’s school concert because it’s “something fun we can all do together”. When daughter finally does agree to come to her old home for a visit, immediately accuse her of stealing from your wallet, as money is missing and replacement daughters would never do such a thing. Allow Schmoopie to clear out daughter’s old bedroom and sell most things, without consulting daughter, but first allow replacement daughters to pick through items and claim any clothes and books they like. AND when daughter finally has enough and decides she never wants to see her dad again…. blame her mother for turning daughter against you. Alternately declare mother’s parenting style as too permissive or too strict, depending on the argument. Refuse to admit that Schmoopie is standing in the way of a healthy relationship with daughter. Squeeze out some tears and try to look like you haz a sad over the whole mess, but eventually just shrug shoulders and say that daughter will magically ‘come around’ as an adult…

    Not likely, asshole. Not fucking likely…

    • Ugh, what an ass!

      I hope that you ended up with full custody of your daughter. She doesn’t need to be around that dysfunction.

      What caught my eye in your post is the parenting course. My state requires that both parents take a parenting course when kids are involved in a divorce. It’s online and only $50, so it’s quite simple, and you have lots of time to do it while the divorce process is underway. I completed it within a few weeks of being notified, and I can see in the public record of the divorce when my certificate of completion was filed with the court. Actually, it was a helpful course in learning how to communicate in heated situations without getting the kids unnecessarily involved. I thought it was well worth the $50 and time.

      But my cheater NEVER completed it. Our divorce was finalized in May, and it baffled me how he was able to “forget” to do it. (Actually, he probably did forget it, to be honest. Real life has such a low priority for him, and unless it shuts off his power at his apartment or puts a boot on his tire, he’ll never notice.)

      After receiving my final divorce papers, I checked the online FAQ for my county. Sure enough, it says that they cannot force the non-filing spouse to take the course. However, if he ever wants to file any sort of action against me related to our case, he’ll have to complete the course before the court will accept it.

      Cheaters are selfish assholes.

      • Thanks JAS. Our parenting course was only absolutely required if the custody case went before a judge. And it did not. But it was highly encouraged by both lawyers.

        Long story short, my two daughters live with me full time. Each now sees her dad once a week for a short visit, for coffee or a movie. Both generally refuse to go to his house. We have 50/50 custody of our son. He was younger and less aware of details, but he definitely knows his dad and Schmoopie had an affair. He’s now 13 and likes that he can just do his own thing at dad’s. He usually escapes to a friend’s house on most ‘Dad’ days. I do most of the active parenting with him, which was also the case during the marriage. My kids were pretty messed up because Schmoopie and her family were close friends. So they are trying to process how their dad could treat me that way, but also – how could both he and Schmoopie treat their friends that way? We went on getaways together, helped each other with home repairs, shared countless meals in each other’s homes… all while the affair was happening. That’s some sociopathic, mixed up shit!!!

        But as I learned in the parenting course: kids only need one sane parent to turn out okay, so I have committed to being the sane parent! Despite everything my kids are thriving. They know that what happened was NOT normal, and they now know how to identify red flag behaviour. They had a front row seat.

        • I keep telling myself this exact thing, over and over again – that they only need one sane parent, and that is me. That I will be enough. My kids totally rely on me, and it’s overwhelming at times. It’s also annoying sometimes to think that he’s off living a free life, devoid of parental responsibility. But, I try to remind myself that it’s a PRIVILEGE to raise children, something he will never experience. And I am so lucky I get to do it minus his shitty influence. I get to raise them MY way, and I am so thankful for that.

          • Yes!!!! I second this. It is hard to single parent but so rewarding. The exes are truly missing the good stuff.

            LeftHimAtTheAirport, your strength is so inspiring. I LOVE your leaving story. Rock on!

        • Dee, that’s interesting that you have a different arrangement for different kids, but I understand.

          I have two boys, ages 12 and 14. We have 50/50 custody, and it sounds similar to the situation with your 13yo. When they’re at their dad’s, it’s as if they are at a friend’s house, because they can play video games and stay up late.

          I’ve adopted the “sane parent” mantra, too. It’s actually nice to no longer have to compete with my ex, because when we were married, he was a dead weight in our parenting in many ways. So, in that way, it’s much easier. But in other ways, there are still challenges, like hygiene. Boys are notorious at this age, and they get no guidance whatsoever at their dad’s. At my house, I have to remind them to brush their teeth, put on deodorant, etc. more than I normally would have to because they don’t have to do those things at their dad’s. Sometimes I think that my 12yo thinks that brushing one’s teeth is “Mom rules” rather than just a necessity of life. LOL

          I’m so glad to hear that your kids are doing well! Keep up the good work!

  • Ok chumps, OT but if you got advice, I’ll take it. I’ve been trying gray rock during this in house separation thing, and I got no problem with it. Except, I found some odd receipts of financial transactions. Now, I have a suspicion as to what’s going on (I believe I’ve got another dependant in his mid 60s). She loves to incriminate herself (because she’s insane). Do I come out of gray rock and get her talking about stuff to get info or just not give a fuck. A lot more theft can occur between now and when I file with very little I can do. Do I confront or do I not give a shit and just file when I need to? Or anything else?

    • Lol… given we are discussing Cheater vs. adult solutions… I think it’s pretty telling that coming out of gray rock will get you nowhere.

      In my personal experience, saying something only alerts them to chance course and find better ways to hide their deception. Document what you can but stay gray rock. Just my 2 cents. Also, I did not heed advise to make copies of everything, because I figured they were in the house I was staying in and we agreed to be amicable. Nope, after Cheater moved out he broke in while I wasn’t home and took everything. Quite humiliating to tell your attorney every time they ask you for something “Sorry, I don’t have access to that and I don’t know” Line up your ducks and keep quiet!

      • Problem: Your co cheating granpskank has no money, never had any asset in his name, is too incompetent to find a job, but he needs cash because his wife found out about you and took every penny she could and the kids and left town.

        Adult solution: N/A

        Cheater solution: Steal it from my husband and give it to him.

  • Stbx wants to spend every weekend working on his boat and off shore fishing.

    Problem: we have for young children and one on the way.

    Seemingly adult solution: buy a beach house with parents so feelingit and kids can come too.

    New problem created: parents have no interest in spending time at beach house. Feeling it is now at the beach monitoring 5 young children alone as fuckwit is working on the boat or offshore fishing. He cannot be bothered with doing amusements or going to the beach with family.when he gets back from boat, he wants a nice dinner waiting or kids fed , ready for bed and he and feelingit can go out for dinner. After that, sex, sleep and he will go back to boat at 4am.

    Adult solution: understand, feelingit loves you and wants to spend time with you and she wants to be a team. Take time to be with her and enjoy your children. Realize that your children will grow up and you will have more time for your hobby (cause that is what is) later.

    Cheater solution: give feelingit the phone number for an Au pair agency. Go back to the boat.

    • Scary how similar our situations are and past history with our cheaters. Ours wasn’t a boat, but was to go out drinking with friends. He always was fine leaving the kids behind and I was welcome to come along. If I didn’t want to leave the kids, then he simply went without me. BUT they always want you and the kids available when they want to pop in. AND they claim that part of the reason they strayed was because they did not feel needed at home. “I didn’t feel part of the family.” They are sick in the head.

  • Problem: Future Faking with college girlfriend of 3 years catches up with you and she wants you to put all those grand “life together” plans into action. You live in different states and keep talking about being together “someday” with no concrete details of what that means.

    Adult solution: have serious talk with yourself and either 1) grow up and follow through with plans or 2) tell girlfriend you realize you simply don’t wish to marry and wish her well finding a loving partner.

    Cheater solution: begrudgingly go along with wedding after trying to “postpone” the wedding 2 weeks before it is scheduled citing your concern that bride isn’t ready. Never admit it is you who doesn’t want to marry because you are a fucking coward. Have Catholic wedding, lie to God and everyone there by taking a vow then deciding you are free to cheat since you didn’t want to marry. When you feel guilty, remind yourself that your wife “deserves” everything you dish out and abuse her to punish her for forcing you to marry.

  • Problem: Financial issues, sexual issues, health issues, mental issues

    Adult solution: Sit down and discuss the financial issues and instability of living paycheck to paycheck (absurd because more than enough money is made to save up for things like DD’s college education and perhaps a family vacation), discuss the lack of interest in sex, come up with creative ideas to get back on track, make an appointment for both a medical doctor and a counselor (individual and marriage).

    Cheater solution: Lie to your wife about being downsized from your job (only for her to find out post-DDay that you quit your job rather than be put on a performance plan – “not the boss of me!”) and sit on your ass for a year, refusing to look for a job or even file for unemployment (chumpy wife figures out why once the truth is revealed TWO years later). When said wife brings evidence that perhaps you’re not telling the truth about what happened at job – blameshift, gaslight and lie some more until she shuts up about it. Continue to drain her retirement account instead of working. When said wife opens discussions about lack of sex life and her unhappiness with you sleeping in the basement for years, again lie, blameshift and gaslight that this is totally normal behavior and it must be HER with the problem. Tell her you love her as she goes up to bed every night and then spend at least an hour and a half watching porn, texting a porn star/escort and God only knows what else, while simultaneously stalking and filming women – up their skirts, their breasts, their asses – every chance you can get – including when with chumpy wife and child, unbeknownst to them. When chumpy wife makes you an appointment with a medical doctor – rage against her for not finding the “right” doctor for you because said doctor is a woman. “Agree” to marital counseling (if that’s what you want to do fine, but I don’t think we need it…) but don’t agree to actually go… In the end, blame everything on wife’s emasculation and the fact that you’re a “perv and a horn dog” (actual quote, sigh!).

  • Adult problem: The business is failing because you are over-extended and don’t pay attention to details. Plus you spend a lot of free time chasing married woman. Adult solution: Do a complete review of the business. Cut back where you can. Get expert advice. Go over financials in depth every week. Invest time in better decision making. And stop cheating. Cheater solution: End up letting the business collapse. Blame your XW for buying stuff for the house and for declaring individual bankruptcy. Explain that your business failures are someone else’s fault–your XW, your brother, your family, the dog.

  • Problem: Life as a parent and husband is not as fun as you thought it would be. There are daily responsibilities that are overwhelming and now your wife has been diagnosed with cancer so you are probably going to be expected to do even more than you do now (which isn’t much).

    Adult Solution: Life has its ups and downs. Sure the next year might be tough, but after that health issues should be resolved and our child should be old enough to allow us a little more freedom. Besides, when you marry someone it is so you have someone by your side during the good times AND the bad.

    Cheater solution: Cheat on his wife and move in with his mom, leaving his 7 year old child at home with his wife who has cancer and is going through chemo. His mom won’t ask him to help around the house and he can go to every happy hour and social event he wants to without having to tell anyone or even come home that night. Also treat your wife so poorly that she will file for you because doing any work to get what you want is hard.

  • Problem: wife at the time presents me with brand new information, never been said before, that she has never been happy in our marriage and we are done. Confusion due to her saying how much she loves me every day and loads of cards saying she loves me.

    Adult Solution: discuss issues, improve communication, find better solutions.

    Cheater Solution: ex-wife had already monkey branched prior to this conversation, by getting in a full-blown physical affair with my first cousin. Destroy 24 year marriage with three beautiful sons. Rewrite entire history of marriage. Blame shift on every possible topic. Express disgust and distain about every possible single aspect of loving husband. Gaslight anything and everything. Leave husband with 100% responsibility for all adult responsibilities, yet gas light and tell everyone that she does 100% of the adult responsibilities, all the while never even at home and out fucking the cousin. Contribute 0% to any paperwork required to divorce. Contribute 0% on all work and effort involved in selling the family home for the divorce. Take 100% credit for everything yet do you 0% of the work.

    • Sorry bro. Seriously. Them fucking you is one thing, the process forcing you to allow them to fuck you is another. I know about 3 guys going through the same shit. Fucking antiquated alimony formulas. Pro tip, the person contributing the most (not just financially) is the one investing the most. Fucking courts though.

      • That goes both ways, however. There are plenty of chumps on here who gave up their careers to mind the castle so that their cheating shits could be successful and are now struggling to get their due in the courts. It would really help a lot if we didn’t have this stupid “no fault” think in most states. The one who blows up the marriage making selfish choices shouldn’t get squat. Of course then there would always be the burden of proof still not perfect.

        • Agreed. That’s what I tried to say with the “not just financially” qualifier. You got people who gave up careers to be amazing parents, unlike daddy’s little girl, who just figured she’d dress pretty and fuck people. I mean, parent too if she could use it to get laid. You also got people who sent home a check, and had second families they hung out with while they pretended to work

  • Adult problem: We’re cutting a fine line between income and what’s going out.
    Adult solution: What can we do to fix this? Can we cut back? Can he change jobs to a job closer to home, so that not only we cut travel costs by $500/mo, but he can spend more time with his family. I already work a small part time job, can I get more hours? We have one more year until kids are both in school, and then I can get a part time job while they’re in school full time. Let’s discuss this.

    Cheater solution: Yell to me: I SHOULD JUST GET A SECOND JOB!
    I don’t WANT to change jobs, I LIKE my job. (MORE than your family?!?!)
    Fuck his 12 year younger boss.

    Adult problem: We’re not intimate like we used to be.
    Adult solution: Sit down, and talk about the issues. Can it be medical? Can we see a marriage councilor? I’m exhausted from getting woken up multiple times a night, and then dealing with a clingy toddler. I don’t want to be touched by ANYONE. What can we do to remedy this?

    Cheater solution: Walk out of the house mid discussion (claim it’s an argument), and fuck his 12 year younger boss.

    • Bahaha I got the second job request yesterday. Guess it’s tight now that we’re separated, but apparently grandpas SSI check ain’t enough for him to cover his bills. ????

  • Problem: I married the wrong person
    Adult solution: Talk to your partner, admit your mistake, allow the partner to have a say in how the marriage will break up, and be generous.
    Cheater solution: Lure your partner into thinking the marriage is valid for three decades while entertaining others on the side. When you find one that is as immoral as you, abandon your partner and break up a beautiful family with the only explanation being “I married the wrong person.”

  • Adult problem: Wife of 20 years is being sexually harassed at work, Kiddo is self harming because she is bullied by cousin and her gang, and wife is also sad because her father is dying of cancer five thousand miles away.

    Adult solution: Talk.

    Cheater solution: Wife’s job is not my problem, Kiddo is wife’s problem, No money to visit grandad because I am spending it on coke for Kiddo’s cousin’s mom in exchange for blowjobs while wife takes an extra job to buy airline tickets. Wife deals with Kiddo/Cousin thing by walking them to school, meaning that a.m. fucks are now possible.

    Oh, but that’s Twu Wuv so it’s ok.

    • The same cousin who was bullying your kid has the mom engaged in bullying you???

      • I think they picked up the vibe. Yes, it was a sister in law, and-I thought-a friend.

        Mr Fab kept Schmoopie, I kept the kid. All good now, poor but cheater free. Kiddo just turned 18. Schmoopie tried to boss Kiddo around last visit. Kiddo replied, “Please don’t boss me around. It might have worked back when you were my auntie, xxxxxx, but now, you are just my Dad’s girlfriend.”

  • Problem: Wife got laid off when twins were 3 months old; pre-kid lifestyle can’t be supported on just cheater’s income, but daycare for two babies would cancel out wife’s full time salary if she got another job.

    Adult solution: reduce money out (reduce budget, sell big toys, downsize cars), increase money in (wife starts own business from home and signs kids up for 2 days of daycare so she can do so.) She Works long hours and late nights between business and childcare, but makes decent $$ and takes pride in making it work and raising kids with you. You should support her, share kids’ care to help her get more work hours in, and take pride in working as a team, knowing that this baby phase is temporary.

    Cheater solution: increase money out (press for 2 expensive new cars; buy one on your own if wife resists; put purchases on secret credit cards if wife resists using the current ones); decrease money in (harass wife constantly that “we can’t afford daycare, you should be able to get your work done without it, it’s not a “real job”.) Harass wife by complaining that the house is sometimes messy when she has sick kids + a deadline. Skip town most weekends, especially if she has paid work to do, leaving her to struggle with babies and work alone while you secretly rack up hotel bills with Schmoopie who “understands you” and has more time for you. Have schmoopie send wife emails with Excel spreadsheets on how SHE made money from home without using daycare.

  • Problem: husband was overlooked 3 times by job for his promotion.

    Adult solution: realize it’s not time for the promotion. And in the event of dissatisfaction with his employer, look for another job so he can advance in his field.

    Cheater solution: blame everyone, his race, his wife and kids for why he was over looked. Throws a tantrum about how its unfair and acts as if he is legally boned to this one company and fears stepping out and applying to job offers dear wife has suggested for him then starts a full blown affair with howorker aka motherwhore!
    The entitlement to these assholes is beyond me!

  • Problem: After 4 years of marriage, the steam in the marriage is fading and wife thinks there is no love in the relationship anymore.

    Adult solution : Work together on doing more fun stuff. Or counseling or therapy and try to get the passion and steam back.

    Cheater solution : Goes out and cheats with our house contractor. Claims that she was/is love with him and gets pregnant. Chooses to move out and live a new life. Our marriage ended in a divorce.

    • Damn it. So sorry, man. My comment is right below yours and I wanted to cry after reading it.

      • Thanks. Stay strong! Life is full of surprises, lots of good ones , some bad ones =)

        • Amen! Thanks. I’m just getting tired of the bad surprises. Time to change it up for a little while.

    • Oh Life Happens! So sorry to say my husband is one of ‘those’ contractors, liked getting jiggy with his extremely wealthy, married client on site amongst other places. All work and no play – i dont think so! While chump here was doing all the mundane (and not so mundane) daily tasks that come with having 5 beautiful kids he was forging a new relationship with OW, whilst her nanny took care of her kids!!

  • Problem: Wife has a terrible alcohol/pill problem and comes back from 30 day rehab “disconnected” from husband.

    Adult Solution: Husband notices disconnecting wife and works his ass off to learn the disease of alcoholism and supports wife through her reintegration of home life. Husband thoughtfully communicates genuine concern.

    Cheater Solution: Wife fucks old flame, all summer, in the back of the family van while husband works.

  • Problem: Wife only has one vagina.

    Adult Solution: Realize that you knew when you married her 20 years ago, that she only had one vagina and that she had no plans to grow extras. Live with that sad fact. Life isn’t perfect.

    Cheater Solution: Fuck prostitutes during lunch break for years.

    • Thank you so much GiveTimeTime, as lots of us have pointed out, i know its not funny to be living it (its so not funny), but we have to laugh at the ridiculousness, right??
      “Wife only has one vagina”, “has no plans to grow extras” made me laugh out loud! Obviously all the Cheating males feel the need for extra vaginas, though apparently my H “always loved me”, even when he was balls deep in hers!

  • Problem: Ex-girlfriend doesn’t care all that much about your attractive new soon-to-be wealthy attorney girlfriend. Realize that after a while new girlfriend still looks good on your arm and makes life easier but doesn’t necessarily satiate your particular brand of mommy issues and desire for unadulterated stream of kibbles.

    Adult solution: Therapy, lots of therapy. Honest discussions with girlfriend about sexual proclivities and mommy issues and future together.

    Cheater solution: Invite girlfriend to move into your house. Future fake the fuck out of things. Take girlfriend “jewelry shopping.” Clear out drawers and closets for girlfriend and say “our home” a lot, even when girlfriend is timid about assuming a possessive stake in something that is not hers. Spend all weekends bringing nice, family oriented girlfriend to divorced parents houses trying to prove how well you are doing. Ingratiate yourself with girlfriend’s family. Hint that a proposal is coming after she graduates law school. Fuck ex girlfriend because she broke up with her rebound and now cares that your life looks nice. Fuck co-worker. Develop several “emotional affairs” with other co-workers and business contacts. Talk to girlfriend about some of these “friends” at length. Feel oh so neglected while girlfriend is studying for the bar and start fucking this ugly chick who satisfies your savior complex. Keep hinting at a proposal. Keep fucking ugly chick. Girlfriend tells you she is accidentally pregnant – double down on both. Play up your role as a soon to be father. Continue fucking ugly chick. Delight in all the drama and push and pull of forbidden love.

    • I’m sorry my heart goes out to you. My cheater loved me as an accessory- nice normal good girl who was educated and in residency. Future faking the hell out of me. Meanwhile picking up prostitutes and drug problem girls

  • Problem: Ugly side piece says it’s a bad idea to keep seeing each other.

    Adult solution: umm… adults with integrity don’t have these problems.

    Cheater solution: start railing to pregnant girlfriend about how ugly and what a bitch Taylor Swift is. Keep up stream of negative comments and compare her body to the caffeine worms in Men in Black. When confused girlfriend looks up Tay Tay’s new video and says, I don’t know, she looks kind of hot here? Watch video hungrily over her shoulder basically drooling and reaffirm what an ugly bitch she is. Let girlfriend find out later that ugly side piece looks like a reeeeaaally busted version of T Swift.

  • Twenty Years in a Nutshell

    Problem: Boss expects employees to do the work they are hired for.
    Cheater solution: Quit.

    Problem: Boss expects employee to treat the young female workers as co-workers, not a dating pool.
    Cheater solution: Date employee, convince her to quit, and then get fired.

    Problem: Boss expects employee to work collaboratively with co-workers.
    Cheater solution: Get fired rather than share any data with anyone who doesn’t have a vagina.

    Cheater Break Through: Find and marry chump (a co-worker at the next job–yep, that was me).

    Problem: Boss expects employee to maintain temper at work.
    Cheater solution: Lob expletives at young female employees and get fired.

    Problem: Boss expects employee to get along with all co-workers.
    Cheater solution: Lob expletives at female boss (calling her a “fucking lesbian” and get fired.)

    Problem: Boss expects employee to do unglamorous work.
    Cheater solution: Discover that dating 30-year-younger co-worker makes work feel a lot more glamorous. Get fired.

    Chump Break Through: Divorce Cheater

    Problem: Unemployed people without a chump to support them are broke.
    Cheater solution: Physically attack former spouse and get arrested.

  • Problem: girlfriend is pregnant and it’s probably a good idea to get married, especially since you’ve been living together for four years and have advertised to everyone that you’re going to get married.

    Adult solution: propose sweetly and marry your girlfriend.

    Cheater solution: keep fucking your ugly side piece and also your pregnant girlfriend (stds be damned). Bring up a Quaker marriage, which is possible in PA and needs only signatures of two witnesses to be filed with the state. Pose this idea to pregnant girlfriend and discuss at length about how this is a good idea to do now and then have a big “real proposal and wedding” later. Tell side piece you can’t keep doing this because girlfriend is literally on delivery table. Marry girlfriend 1 month after having baby. Start it up again with ugly side piece around the same time.

  • Problem: The garbage is overflowing and needs to be taken out
    Adult solution: Take out the garbage
    Cheater solution: Fuck a 20 year old, I bet she’ll never ask me to take out the garbage! Don’t ever ask me to take out the garbage! My PARENTS used to do that to me!!!!!

  • Problem: Girlfriend is finishing degree. Girlfriend’s success makes unemployed cheater insecure.

    Adult Solution: Support girlfriend. Be happy for girlfriend. Talk about problems with girlfriend?

    Cheater Solution: Fuck a cokehead. Steal girlfriend’s money to support cokehead’s coke habit. Finally, blame girlfriend for the sadz.

  • Problem: You are gay but wish you were straight.

    Adult solution: Accept the fact that you can’t change your sexuality. Live alone in the closet or, how about this? Live life openly as a proud gay man because you are, for the love of Pete(r), a Unitarian who works in the arts and lives in a city with a large gay community.

    Cheater solution: Find an unsuspecting young woman and proceed to: lovebomb the shit out of her; gaslight the hell out of her when she asks you if you might be gay; lovebomb her some more; muddle through sex with the assistance of a secret gay porn habit and a subscription to Men’s Health magazine; get married; spend the next 20 years making wife feel crazy, unattractive, and untrusting while you enjoy life on the down-low; throw wife off your scent by conducting emotional affairs with a string of female colleagues; when wife finally discovers the truth, claim that everyone is a “little bit” bisexual and that having “same sex attractions” and looking at gay porn “just once” do not make you gay; when wife tries to support you in coming out, go on the attack, deny everything, and double-down on hiding your secret life and the money that finances it; when wife finally files for divorce, look for a new beard; lather, rinse, repeat.

  • I’ve talked a lot before on my cheater’s inability to deal with adulthood. He just couldn’t handle real life.

    We met when we were very young. I was probably more attractive to him them because of my youth, and perhaps my sense of responsibility at the ripe age of 20 was “cute”.

    As we aged, I adjusted well to college, grad school, adulthood, and parenthood. It was all stressful, sure, but that’s par for the course. Besides, we were in it together!

    Except that we weren’t…. He never adjusted past college and video games. To him, I was too “rigid” and “structured” with my adherence to responsibilities. He thought I was strange for wanted to arrive places on time, follow up with social invitations (grown-up couple friends… as opposed to going to a bar with work buddies), planning ahead, budgeting, arranging date nights, keeping the house clean and house repairs in order, etc. In marriage counseling, he called me “robotic” and “unattractive”. But at least he gave me props for being a “great mom”.

    His solution was to find solace in hours and hours of video games after the kids went to bed, followed by webcam girls after I went to bed. He also sought comfort from the pains of adulthood in his boss’s vagina. (Even though she’s his boss, she’s not an adult either. She can handle some basic responsibilities, but she still orders from kids menus in restaurants because she’ll only eat grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken fingers.)

  • problem: your wife is not that popular and you are the most attractive and manly thing in the church community. Why doesn’t anyone seem to respect your wife?

    SOLUTION: love your wife and hold on to her, because she spent ten years improving you through patience and clever direction-setting tactics in the bedroom, while the dopes in the crowd fall away from hero-worshipping you because, lets face it, none of them really cared about what is best for you.

    Cheater solution: publicly disgrace your shy wife. F your coworker. Replace the shy wife with the step-mom from hell.

    • My cheater is a “big man” in our spiritual community- I am not. I instead was shy and behind the scenes but living rightly- doing the right thing, keeping a job, being moral, respectful- I helped him by changing his wardrobe, vocabulary etc. I was a good accessory when he wanted to take me out bc I’m educated. But hey I wasn’t popular in the community so he needed to talk trash about me and find methzilla who abandoned her children, did drugs, didn’t pay bills, but was POPULAR in our fellowship and sounded good

  • Problem: I question whether moving in together is the best choice for us and ask whether she might consider an apartment nearby.

    Adult solution: Talk about our feelings on the matter and find a compromise that works for us both.

    Cheater solution: Get “uncontrollably” drunk at a party with friends because she’s upset I even posed the question and made out with multiple friends and almost slept with a complete stranger if it weren’t for one of said friends telling her it’s probably not a great idea.

  • Problem: Feel dissatisfaction and disconnection after having three small children with your spouse of 10 years.

    Adult solution: Share this feeling and find ways to reconnect; see a counselor.

    Cheater solution: Find “deep, meaningful connection” with your recently married coworker. Announce one day to your spouse that you “love her but aren’t in love with her” and adamantly deny any feelings for anyone. Give spouse hope by agreeing to counseling and working on marriage, then announce a month later that you are leaving her for coworker.

  • Problem: House purchased in California in 2007. By 2008 the property was underwater over $150k.

    Cheater solution: Lets just walk away from it (not unheard of, many other people were walking away from properties at that time).

    Adult (my) solution: Let’s double down pay extra each month (pay off 2nd mortgage) and refinance the first chance we get. We both had jobs where overtime could be worked.

    End result: Because I fought for us to hang onto the property when the divorce happened and the property sold (earlier this year) there was $400k in equity because of rising values once again.

    I got $300k of it because he wanted to keep other things. He can bite me, I bought a condo and as far as I know he is still renting a room somewhere. Hope Schmoopie was worth it.

  • That example also confirmed how I respond to problems vs the Cheater. When Dday happened I was willing to double down and “try and save the marriage”. His actions (cheating, not trying at reconciliation) were the same as the problem with house. He’d rather cower out and walk away from life’s problems. I like how I am better. It has served me well.

  • Problem: communication and closeness has deteriorated.

    Adult solution: Talk, listen, ask questions, respond with mercy and grace.

    Cheater solution: Move out within a couple of days, file for divorce within a few weeks, move workout trainer into our other home with her and our son, who now has to live in 2 different homes and deal with an adult male stranger living in his presence. (The irony is that the workout trainer now stocks groceries, and she now has a new workout trainer, which totally has to irritate first workout trainer/grocery store stocker.)

    A cool phrase was on this site a couple of days ago that went along the lines of…”Why would you want to hold the person that gutted you?” That resonates with me.

  • Problem: Cheater has a cocaine habit, wife won’t stop nagging him about it. Wife studying and working too hard, keeps asking for more help at home and with the children.

    Adult solution: stop doing drugs, stop staying out all night, help wife at home, parent your kids.

    Cheater/addict solution: start seeing fellow cocaine addict old school friend behind wife’s back!

  • Pervy Pants: Methinks I will masterbate at neighbors, teens and web cam hoes when problems come along.