Who Was Your Infidelity Angel?

I was reading on Facebook and a friend of mine (a fellow former chump) had recently lost her mother. She requested that instead of flowers, to pay it forward for someone in need instead.

If you’d like to give in honor of my Mom, she was a pay it forward type of person and she adopted people that needed help so I’d like to leave some suggestions … Instead of sending us flowers, pick someone in your life that is having a hard time or needing something and send them a bouquet, pay their rent, give them a gas card or gift card for HEB – find a single Mom whose children would like to play in city league sports and pay their fees, or treat them to a movie or dinner – if you are out and see someone having dinner alone, pay their tab or pick a person in your life who works hard and never seems to catch a break and do something to totally make their day.

Such a sweet request and it got me thinking about people like this woman. So today I thought I’d ask you all — who was your angel? Who helped you in real life through the meat grinder of infidelity? What was the casual kindness that made all the difference?

I had many angels. Tops would be my friend Yoma who financed my escape at the scariest moment. Who never wavered (even when I did) to trust that he sucked. To my friend Caroline who watched my dog and my kid when I had to travel for work, who was always cheerful and positive. To my dad and my aunt who came right after I threw him out to pack up his shit with me. To my mom who sent money to tear down the wallpaper. That may sound weird, but NOTHING could make me happier at that time than to rid myself of that wretched wallpaper in the hallway. (Wallpaper removal is my love language.) To the total stranger I met at a Christmas party once, an old man, who told me that the worst thing that ever happened to him — a hail storm that wiped out all his crops — turned out to be the best thing that ever happened, because he left farming and became a successful stock broker.

They were all lights along the path out.

So, tell me — who paid it forward in your life?

Art is copyrighted by Tracy Schorn from “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life,” (Hachette 2016). 

P.S. I think of Twig Lady as an angel of sorts. I kind of modeled her on Andrea Dworkin.

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Supreme Chump
Supreme Chump
6 years ago

I had no one. I know this is not uplifting, but we’re not all lucky enough to have people like this. I would have really appreciated someone like this. What I can say is that I would be someone ‘s angel if I am so needed.

John Del Barone
John Del Barone
6 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

Same here. It’s tough to go it alone but it truly builds your character

Chickynot
Chickynot
6 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

I agree with That Is Not a Thing — you are MIGHTY, and it’s very possible that it was asshat cheater who kept you isolated from others in your life. But we at ChumpNation will be your virtual angels — fight on!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

I have nothing but admiration for all of the chumps who have to go through this alone. You are so mighty to have survived. I would have completely fallen apart without all of the support and validation I received post DDay. I wish I could have been there to help you. I hope to be there for others in the future.

I met someone at a meetup recently. She was telling me how she suspected her husband was having an affair. He moves the family every five years or so which makes it hard to put down roots and make close friends. I told her to check out Chump Lady. I don’t know her well, but I will do my best to keep in touch with her and be there for her when she needs it as she inevitably will. Right now she is still in that “I’m not sure I really want my suspicions confirmed” stage. I told her knowledge is power.

willowchumpx30
willowchumpx30
6 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

same here. I have no support and it is at times very difficult.

Onwards
Onwards
6 years ago
Reply to  willowchumpx30

Sending you virtual CN support. The CN forum particularly helped me. Totally understand this is difficult. Hoping it gets better before too long. Hugs.

That Is Not A Thing
That Is Not A Thing
6 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

I’m sorry. That sucks. My cheater expresses his dislike for my friends, and his disapproval of my time spent with them, in such subtle ways that it took me decades to notice. After they had all wandered off. Please, please know this isn’t you. It is about cheater wanting to be the only one you care about. When I finally leave (getting my financial ducks gathered), I am prepared to pay the price of our last remaining joint friends. I feel ready to do this because I already feel so alone. You are MIGHTY for doing this solo. Heroic.

Onwards
Onwards
6 years ago

I remember that feeling of isolation well. Part of lining up ducks was tentatively reaching out and nurturing some existing sparks of friendships with my own old friends and starting to build new friendships and take up opportunities to do so. After leaving that cheater I may be time (and money) poorer but life is all the richer for building friendships, and joining groups. The company of good people is a treasure.

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago

My 3 sisters, 3 kids and 3 incredible friends including a new one.

I had been hospitalized for a sudden neurological condition (adult onset epilepsy, nice) so I was fucked up for months. Could not focus or keep a train of thought. 2 sisters flew out to CA and thought, acted and packed for me. They helped me downsize from a 5000 sq ft house to a large storage unit, in 4 days, with loving ruthlessness.

The other sister took me and my dog in to her home for 4 months, & her husband flew out to drive me and my dog cross country in a moving van. We made it in 4 days. The trip was a blur of a carsick dog (until I got her medication from a random veterinarian, who also helped.)

My 2 older children took time off their jobs & drove 4 hours north to help me pack, along with 2 women I had befriended years earlier.

They 2 friends had been the chumps years before, so yeah, it circles back. There were MANY other with small acts of kindness

including the neurologist who treated me gently but with hope, the woman at Trader Joe’s who gave me flowers when she heard why I had moved back to be near family after a 35 year marriage ended in divorce,

and the woman at the electric company. When she told me I had to pay a deposit due to unpaid medical bills (Which the DOCTOR said he’d “take care of”), I almost started to cry. I told her why I had moved and she said

“Well maybe you were leaving something that was causing you pain…” And she was right.

And my faith in the universe (for me the term is “God”) has helped convince me along the way that in the end, somehow I’d be alright. And happier and with more peace in my life.

The divorce is not settled yet and the feelings of injustice can overwhelm. But I am actually glad not to be married to the father of my children b/c he’s a lousy man. Troubled or sick or confused, whatever, he inflicted a lot of pain on the 4 people who loved him the most.

So this terrible divorce ordeal is still (going to be) one of the best things that has “happened to me” in my life.

FeralBlue
FeralBlue
6 years ago

Yep, they slowly separate you from family and friends so they are your only focus. Bonus: no one will tell takes because you can’t/don’t talk to any of them anymore. I expected to have no support when the shit hit the fan. As soon as the staunchest friends heard, they crashed back into my life and helped keep my head held high through everything. Was completely amazed.

Currently trying to pay it forward with my step sister. She’s been off again on again with this guy for 8 years now. He blames her for everything and she wouldn’t hear me about ditching him when she found the messages on his phone to some other girl (who’s pregnant and married… ) about how much he loves her and could he come over, etc. I tried explaining that men who dont intend to cheat, dont send messages like that. I have CL’s book ready for her.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

I had no one, either…..but here goes: The “person” who never let me down and carried me through the darkness was my piece of crap car. I lost everything in the divorce….even my truck. My $50.00 car should have broken down, but never quit me. Got me to job interviews, a new city, back and forth to a new job. Every morning, especially in the winter, I always expected it to not start…..but it always started. I was forced to start a new life…..and it never let me down.

Skeptical Sasha
Skeptical Sasha
6 years ago

This made me smile. Thanks for sharing.

outofashes
outofashes
6 years ago

In times of chaos it is the simple things. In the aftermath of my Dday and leaving the cheater… no home to go but staying with family whenever and wherever… my car was the constant. Always there and never betrayed me 🙂
I feel you on every bit of what you said about your car.

Gato
Gato
6 years ago

Last January, when the Cheater was going to travel and was dying of the excitement of knowing he was going to fuck his cousin-whore in a few days, my car was supposed to take him to the airport. It never had any issue. At all. But that morning it did not start. No battery. So the Cheater took my electric car (not enough to take him to the airport) and tried to use it to jump start my other car. The EV did not work either. Asshole had to take his car out of the garage, where it was going to be safely stored for the duration of this trip, and used it to jump start my car. I am so grateful of my two cars: they were just things, but they were more loyal to me than the Asshole. And I’ll never forgive the stupid Asshole that I had to sell them for nothing when leaving.

Lola
Lola
6 years ago

Love this! Much happiness to you!

Marissachump
Marissachump
6 years ago

I love your car story. As someone who also relies on a very old car, this really touched my heart. You have such stength.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Marissachump

It is a 1992 Geo Metro. Ugly, faded, peeling paint. I have to roll down the window and stick my arm out to open the door. Won’t go faster than 60….but, it was always reliable and had a good heater. I have it stored in my garage. I would like to restore it someday….it was the only thing that didn’t go wrong in my life when everything else was falling apart.

lulutoo
lulutoo
6 years ago

Oh, I had a Geo Metro, too. Someone saw it once and said he’d need two — one for each foot. But I loved that car!
Best wishes to you, SuperDuperChump.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

I’m sorry, SupremeChump; infidelity is a huge trauma to face on your own. I’m glad you’re part of an awesome community now.

MIssDeltaGirl
MIssDeltaGirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Hugs to you Supreme Chump. And thanks CL for creating ChumpNation so that we can virtually be there to support each other.

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

Suprême, this is so sad, but I love how you can turn it around. Even if you don’t have an angel, you can be an angel.

Gato
Gato
6 years ago

I had many angels too. At the beginning I was so afraid of being alone. I had left everything to follow the cheater in his academic life, so I didn’t have dear friends or anything in the city I was living. And my startup was in danger, and I was actually laid off a month after DDay. So I was so afraid of everything, what I was going to do if my car failed! (And it did, obviously).

Then, people helped me. The nurse that hugged me when I cried when she took the blood sample for the STD testing. My therapist who recommended me a mechanic who discovered the cheater had forgotten to check something that made dangerous to drive my car. My brother who came in a hurry to be with me. And then my friend Tim who got me a temporary job in the other side of the country. My friend Roberto who got me a room with one of his friends. My cheater dad who came and cooked 2 weeks for me to make sure I ate, and packed everything I was taking with me. And then this new friend, Ricardo, who took me under his wing for months. And then Roberto again, who is going to host my cat when I travel for work.

I realized I wasn’t alone. I was never fucking alone. I was loved, my friends were with me, my acquaintances also were with me, and they help me when they could, even if just being with me. I realized he was alone, and the trouble with him is that he always knew how horrible he was and that people noticed. That’s why I found his google search “how to attract people’s attention”, for I never had to do that, not even in my darkest hour.

Dragonlady
Dragonlady
6 years ago
Reply to  Gato

The whole searching for “how to attract people’s attention” and other how to get woman to notice you stuff is all sooooo cheater handbook. It’s like a disease they choose to have. Uuugh

Chumpfor12
Chumpfor12
6 years ago
Reply to  Gato

Hi Gato,

I too have to thank the nurse practitioner that hugged me and prayed for me while I was crying yesterday getting checked for STD’s. I have been so fortunate to find kindness in strangers but mostly in my parents for taking me and my girls in. I reached out to my former neighbor yesterday, whom I loved like a sister and she was so excited to hear from me. She immediately offered to drive with me tomorrow down to the vacation home in Florida to clean out the closets. That home is set to be sold on Tuesday, another painful hurdle. Two more painful hurdles to clear this month and then hopefully the smoke will start to clear. I love your statement “I was never alone, I was loved”. Thanks for that reminder.

dave k
dave k
6 years ago
Reply to  Gato

I love this post because it reminds me that I have been loved by family and friends my Son and even by her family, She is alone 1200 miles away with the home wreck. I am truly happy for you Gato that you have so much love and support!!

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Gato

Gato,
I love all your Angel People, especially the nurse who hugged you. Probably because I am a nurse, and I would definately see the hurt in your eyes and I would hug you!
I also love all Chump Lady’s Angel People.
Each one is amazing.
I did not confide in anyone, kept it all inside. No CL, no CN at that time.
But, today, it has all made me stronger.
I am lucky to be a real people person and eventhough I can be shy, I don’t hesitate to help anyone I can possibly help, even if it is just with a hug, a smile or a kind word.
I have said it before, in previous posts.”There are Angel People all around us”
CN, Angel People, I am so thankful for each one of you!
❤️

Gato
Gato
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

I loved that nurse. She came out of her side of the counter, because I was crying even before the put the needle in my arm. She hugged me tightly and told me that I needed to leave him. That he was an asshole, and never was going to change. That I was going to be ok. And stayed with me until I was better. She was one of the amazing people that stopped to comfort me when I was crying on the streets.

Gato
Gato
6 years ago
Reply to  Gato

(People noticed in some weird way I can’t explain myself now. Most of them are surprised, very surprised, when they hear what he did. Even the people I love in his family. However, most people we knew were at most lukewarm about him, and they didn’t keep in contact with him after we left or anything. He doesn’t have deep friendships, and the friend he has now is a whore too, somebody who I’m pretty sure rallied against me, and played a puppet master of sorts).

Azkadelia
Azkadelia
6 years ago

Supreme Chump,

You’re not alone on this one. Some of the people I told were vaguely kind (my boss went a little easy on me, and occasionally inquired how I was doing). An out of state friend emailed a little more frequently.

But someone I considered one of my best friends just disappeared. Maybe if I had asked for more those who knew would have done more, but basically I feel I’ve been muddling through on my own.

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  Azkadelia

I think often Chumps are terrible at asking, at receiving, at taking. It’s one of those skills we need to work on, like boundaries and dealbreakers.

I think we forget that many people, kind people, LOVE to give, to help, to lend a hand or an ear when it’s needed. We shouldn’t deprive them of that opportunity, when it would also help us so much.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I totally suck at asking. I really don’t know how without feeling like I’m too much or out of line. I’ve had to just do things myself for so long that I am used to that or letting things be undone.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

KarenE,

I have revised that saying I was raised with “Tis better to give than receive” with “It’s okay to give and receive”.

Reciprocity and mutuality are the key to emotionally healthy relationships, in my humble opinion.

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Karen, you gave me a lump in my throat. Self-recognition right there.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

You are so right KarenE! My therapist mentions this often and advises me to work on it. It’s hard though. I’m used to being the giver and not asking for anything. The few times I asked my ex for something he couldn’t or wouldn’t respond. After a while we become conditioned not to ask or expect anything. It’s another mindset that requires work to overcome.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

KarenE,
YES,
There is so much wisdom in your words!

Carry On My Wayward Nerd Girl
Carry On My Wayward Nerd Girl
6 years ago

OMG. I have a friend, thought she was a casual friend, you know? Well, when she found out what happened, and heard that me and my kids had no where to stay, she made her husband BUY A HOUSE, just to rent to me.

Then she turned round and told me there was an opening at her job, and now I work there making good enough money to take care of us.

When I thank God for people, I thank him twice for her!

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago

Wow. What an incredible act of generosity! That is awesome!

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago

Carry On,
WOW!! That’s amazing!! Such a great story…you were so blessed!!

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago

Beautiful story!
Beautiful friend!
You are so deserving Carry On Girl!

brandib
brandib
6 years ago

Yes, thank God for her! That is awesome. My story isn’t quite that awesome. When I decided to leave my cheater, I looked all around for a decent rental. Nothing. I happened to contact a woman who had a couple of houses on the market to sell. Her granddaughter & my daughter had attended school together & I had only met the grandmother once…I didn’t think she’d know who I was. Anyhow, when I contacted her & told her my predicament & that I just needed a rental, but it would be a long term rental for at least three years, she immediately agreed and contacted her realtor & took it off the market. That was over a year ago & I’m still beyond grateful that she did that for me & my daughter. My daughter tells me this house is more of a home than the one we left. 🙂

Newchump89
Newchump89
6 years ago

This brought tears to my eyes.. I don’t know your backstory but this deserves an article its stories like these that gives me a twinkling of hope in humanity. God bless you and the family who helped you!

freedom2live
freedom2live
6 years ago

I was very fortunate to have a few angels. First was my life long friend. He was my witness. He sat and listened to me for hours over the first few months. He was my validation, my link to sanity. It truly was a gift. I had 10 years of crazy to get out! He also encouraged me to sing and play music again. That was one of the first steps to feeling happy again.

The second is my son. He moved home from 2500 miles away. He helped to teach me how a normal man behaves. His calm demeanor, his willingness to help, his ability to just have a conversation. Living with him helped me to remember that walking on eggshells is not necessary.

The elderly lady at the coffee shop. I was feeling so old and unattractive. She was a complete stranger. She just brushed my cheek and said, “so pretty”. I held that in my mind for months. I guess I still do at times. I would take that thought out and hold it like a treasure when I felt less than.

My 90 year old neighbor. Her comment that made me laugh, “some things are so broken they can never be fixed and he’s one of them”. She delivered that with a container of chicken soup and some Xanax.

I am divorced for 3 years now. I still find angels along the way. I am having issues with an underwater mortgage and not making ends meet. The real estate lady listened to my situation and the cause of it. She then told me of her similar experience 10 years before and helped me to find the proper help.

It is so amazing how good people respond when you need it. I do try to pay it forward as best I can. I cannot do so financially at the moment but I have become more appreciative of good when I see it. I try to speak it to the person and I hope that makes a difference.
.

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  freedom2live

” She delivered a container of chicken soup and some Xanax”

Love this.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  freedom2live

freedom2live,
“sing and play music again”
Your words brought tears to my eyes, bless the friend who encouraged this for your heart and soul.
Reminds me of how, after DDay, I could not listen to music again. I had played and sang in a school band . Music meant the world to me. I was always, humming, singing, just music music everywhere. It never was the same for me again, never.

Your son is a wonderful man! You must be so proud of him.

YOU are mighty, so many people saw you for the lovely lady you are.
Your post is inspiring. Thank you for sharing.

Polly
Polly
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

That’s odd I still find music difficult to listen too, I can no longer endure to read. What’s that about?

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Polly

Polly,
I think, perhaps, it is that music is just so beautiful. It can lift our heart, make us feel light and peaceful. At least it used to be that way.
I always trusted , held music close. After DDay I felt that I could no longer trust music, the words lost their meaning and it just made me feel so sad.
I still try hard to listen. Funny, this post made me think that I turn the radio on, a certain song will start and I automatically turn the radio off. I don’t feel comfortable with it.
Reading is ok for me. I always have a good book on the go, although I am not a sitter so it takes me a long time to finish a book. It is a lovely escape for me and I can often relate to characters in the story.
I am so sorry that you are unable to read and I am sorry that music is difficult to listen to.
I understand. ((((Hugs))))
Peacekeeper

StillMad
StillMad
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

I also cannot listen to music or see live bands (X is a musician). Instead I have audio books from my county library downloaded to my phone. I can listen when I’m driving, walking the dogs, etc…they are free from my library. If an item is not available right away I can either choose from what is available immediately, or place a hold on the book that I want.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  StillMad

StillMad,
Sending you hugs.
You are strong!
I like your name, it says a lot.
Yes, books are so important to me.
I am almost finished one and have four to choose from, plus others in a cupboard.
I buy them in a lovely second hand book store, like new.
I know someone else has read them, smiled when I smile, cried when I cry.
I pass them on to friends.
(I understand about the music and I am so sorry).

Fern
Fern
6 years ago
Reply to  freedom2live

“I held that in my mind for months. I guess I still do at times. I would take that thought out and hold it like a treasure when I felt less than.”

Not all help is financial. Look what two words and a gesture from a stranger did for you. You have much to offer. Just surviving what we all have gives us wisdom and empathy to share.

Runningviolet
Runningviolet
6 years ago

I was fortunate to have had numerous angels to whom I will forever be grateful. The first was a work acquaintance who insisted that my kids and I stay with her until a restraining order could be obtained (ex assaulted me in front of our kids). That took a couple of weeks to get the order and to file the divorce complaint. Second work acquaintance wrote a check to retain an attorney and put no timeline on the repayment. A 3rd angel was a woman from our kids’ former daycare who picked up my kids from school twice a week, fed them, and kept them until I could get home from work. She refused to take any money for this. I hadn’t been especially close with any of these women, but they were there 110%. They taught me firsthand the power of sisterhood and how women just get shit done. And when I asked one of them why she was so willing to help, she told me that I was a good person and that I had more friends than I realized. After many years of abuse and isolation, I felt so unworthy, and these women helped me start healing. Like Supreme Chump, I also stand ready to help the next person in need and had occasion to do so about a year ago when the mom of one of my kids’ school friends needed a place to stay while leaving an abuser. Oh, and I also have the Wifetress written into my will, with the provision that the money I am leaving her is to be used only for the purpose of retaining a divorce attorney. As much as I don’t like her, I can see that she is already isolated/trapped and I’d even be willing to lend her a hand should she need it.

That Is Not A Thing
That Is Not A Thing
6 years ago
Reply to  Runningviolet

Granting an escape clause to Wifetress is one of the most powerful things I have ever read on here. Throwing light at darkness. Damn.

runningviolet
runningviolet
6 years ago

Thanks, TINAT, for getting this. About a month after I left my abuser, I was diagnosed with advanced stage cancer and had to draft a new will in case of well, in case of needing one. I think the cancer catastrophe ushered sharp clarity with warp speed. I am now in the process of life coach training with the intention of helping other women reclaim their mightiness in a way that is in spiritual integrity for them. One of the first things I purchased for my new place was a MLK poster with the “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that”. I have held onto this belief through every shit storm with my ex and the Wifetress, who are expert parental alienators and deeply broken beings. There are many days when I have sat and stared at that poster until I could connect with that part of my soul that is compassionate. When I do, it brings immense peace. And this is what I want to help others find.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Runningviolet

Runningviolet,
Today’s post topic is filled with so much emotion. I feel overwhelmed reading each Chump’s post and find myself responding like a mad woman…..actually like a very touched woman, very touched by the human Angel response of every day people, reaching out to a Chump in a time of great need.
I am so happy you had so many Angels appear, and now, you are a true Angel yourself.
YOU are Mighty!
❤️

Fiercechump
Fiercechump
6 years ago

The whole, awful experience showed me *everybody’s* true colors, not just my cheater’s. I learned a lot about people’s character by who showed up and helped, and who unexpectedly ghosted. It was really interesting and I am grateful for the lessons. Among my girlfriends, ironically, the two former friends of mine whose own dads had suddenly divorced their mothers after cheating on the mothers when the friends were little kids — but they were not left in poverty and had relatively privileged lives with professional-career having, physician dads who still paid for them, and stayed in their lives— those were the friends who totally ghosted me. I’m guessing my own situation was too triggering and too similar to their own childhoods for them, plus they have some narc tendencies of their own no doubt inherited from those narc doctor dads. I never fret when an old narc in my life ghosts me, and the new friends I have made are a narc-free bunch.

The people who stepped up— my parents let me and my 3 little kids move in with them for a few months during the divorce, and helped out so much. My neighbor took care of my house in my home US state, after my narc ex tricked me into a cross country move and tried to mire me in a long-term family court system morass that kept me in the foreign US state for far too long. Old friends reached out constantly. Friends recommended attorneys and therapists to me. Friends sent little gifts to cheer me up. I let the Switzerlands go very early on and just stopped trying to do anything make shitty friendships last that weren’t meant to. Now I look for reciprocity in all of my interpersonal dealings.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  Fiercechump

True colors indeed!
I found the most support came from a high school acquaintance who checked on me at all hours. I wasn’t sleeping after D-day so it was welcome to get a message of kindness urging me to move forward with my life and leave Narkles the Clown behind. There was also the former coworker who saw me in an elevator crying and shaking and sat me down to find out what was going on. Then the college friend who fled for divorce two months before I did who reminded me I was beautiful and worthy of a better life. They were all awesome people who I was not ever close to, but they all had one thing in common,they had been clumped and knew exactly how I felt and how to make me see that D-day was bad but that I would learn to see it as more of a liberation day in the end.

Like you I was somewhat surprised at who had nothing to say and no words of comfort outside of “sorry to hear that.” But I found comfort here too. It was The Clip who taught me I didn’t have to coparent with a fuckwit and DDW who talked me into getting help from a nearby DV shelter because she was right, after all the years of mindfuck I had no idea how dangerous my situation was.

Christine
Christine
6 years ago

My angels have been so numerous. My Mom, who said “of course your divorcing him” even though she is Catholic. My brother who went with me to the first appointment with the lawyer. My lawyer, who I used to babysit for long ago, and the people I work with. Darla and Jamie got me through the discovery of unfaithfulness at one location and when I moved to another branch ( I work in a library system) Barb, Diane, Shannon, Nakia and others helped me through the divorce. These days I try to be the angel, looking for others who need a hand.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

I only had one angel at the time, a woman in a nearly identical life scenario who gave me a disk (my story dates itself…) with her recently executed divorce papers on it. Saved me hundreds of dollars and much precious time. I was able to act mostly before he had time to think of new and exciting ways to hurt me.

Otherwise, my angels came years later in the form of wise and compassionate counselors. After searching for a long time for my first good fit, I was finally able to begin a true healing process.

I am immeasurably grateful for their guidance and presence as I work to heal my many past traumas and grow into a person who is difficult to exploit without hating the world and everyone in it. 🙂

kmanning
kmanning
6 years ago

So lucky to have so many angels on my side. The spirits of my beloved grandmother (she’s the original kmanning) and my gone-too-soon friend Chris. My badass sisters who stepped right up and went through every divorce document line by line, taking time to use their MBA and JD expertise to make sure I wouldn’t get (any more) financially screwed.

My sister’s in-laws, who GAVE me their dad’s car. He passed away during my divorce process, and they knew I was driving a 14-year old car in need of major repairs, so they offered it to me.

Colleen, whose ex is an evil, toxic narcissist, has given me great advice about how to co-parent. She is a model for patience and true goodness, and living a happy life every single day.

Thanks to all of the angels who get me through every single day!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago

I had two people offer emergency, get-out-of-dodge shelter when STBX lost his fucking mind and I had to get a restraining order because he was flagged for homicidality — and I’m eternally grateful that they were kind enough to open their homes to sudden, endangered guests.

But, nobody wanted to hear about the two decades of deceit, gaslighting, porn obsession, etc. I had three people I thought I could turn to with anything. Turns out, I could turn to them about most things,
just not this. From them, I’ve heard the following:

— “It must hurt him to face the truth” (Sympathy for the pathological lying? Really?!?!)
— “Well, cheating is pretty common.” (The implication that I’m overreacting was a common theme)
— “He watched porn in front of the little one? That was stupid of him. But why are you so worried about your little one around him?” (…. this one still pisses me off …)
— After explaining he was lying to his counselor … “Oh, it’s great he’s in counseling, though! He can HEAL now.” (I’m still puzzled over the word choice here …)

Every attempted conversation left me feeling like shit about myself. Not worth doing. Not at all. I’ve since learned to shut my mouth — even with my the three people I thought I could turn to with anything.

Luckily, my adult girls get it. Though, I don’t “confide” in them … it’s wonderful that they fully understand my anger, fear, and confusion.

And, luckily, CN gets it. The validation I get from this site — that I’m NOT overreacting — that his behavior is NOT justified — that the physical AND emotional safety of my kids and myself is paramount … that has meant the world to me.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

JessMom,
I am sorry that you have to be here on CN but I just want to say, shout actually, that YOU are a very very caring person, who so willingly and lovingly listen to and encourage other Chumps daily.
The above responses are unbelievable. These people obviously have never experienced what you have been through and they are indeed very fortunate people.
I am so sorry no one got what hell you were living through.
CN gets it, JessMom.
We are here for you, as you certainly are for each one of us!
((((BigHugs))))

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Peacekeeper: Thank you so much for your kindness. (((Hugs)))

The hardest part about getting responses like that (dismissive or irrationally sympathetic to STBX) is that it took soooo long for me to really accept how bad things were and that he purposefully chose all of those hurtful things. Accepting that I didn’t deserve to be treated that way is still pretty fresh (perhaps a bit too fragile) for me … so, those kinds of responses tend to push me back to my self-criticism and feels of defeat.

But that is why I make sure I come here often. The people of CN are so caring and fantastic in their patience and understanding. I always leave here with more clarity and strength … never have I left here feeling defeated. Not once! 🙂 And that says so much about the beauty of this blog and the people here … people like you, Peacekeeper. Again, I’m sending my heartfelt thanks for your kindness. Best wishes to you.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

*feelings (not “feels” … a fairly humorous typo this morning)

Pret
Pret
6 years ago

My mom was there through all three DD days…whether it was 5 in the morning or 3 in the afternoon. She listened to me for hours. The cheater’s brother, brother’s wife and sister. His family banded together to offer their support emotionally and financially. My brothers who helped my daughter and I pack our lives into a rental van and drive 937 miles away from this disordered asshole….but the most important thing of all is that 10 months later, these people are still in my life…reaching out to let me know that we’re still family no matter what. This website and all the amazing people who post have also helped me…oh…I can’t forget my new friend who had the courage to come down to the city that day..because of her courage, I was able to walk right behind cheater and his mistress two entire NYC blocks – walked right behind them as they held hands whispering in each other’s ears…if it was not for this friend, I would still be living a lie today.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

Yeah for those people who don’t just get you through the initial crap but continue to be there down the road!

Pret
Pret
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Here here????…It’s times like these that you truly know who your friends are.

chutesandladdders
chutesandladdders
6 years ago

Being a chump gives you 20-20 vision/clarity on the people in your life who care about you as a person of value.

Every one of my five sisters essentially told me to get over it. To this day, they have no clue how much their dismissiveness and thoughtlessness hurt me. My pain and my children’s pain were inconvenient to them.

Two neighborhood friends, on the other hand, saved my life. They showed up on December ninth when he finally left after ignoring a court order to be out on the first. They let me weep that night out of frustration and relief he was FINALLY, physically gone. Being witness to him emotionally abuse me and our kids for years, both understood the significance of that night. His reign of terror was OVER in the sense that he would no longer, EVER be in close proximity to me.

I took the next day off from work to have a locksmith come change the locks. One of those angels took the day off, too and showed up at the front door with a sledgehammer to help me destroy the homemade bar in the basement. That piece of junk symbolized so many moments in our marriage when he deliberately made me feel insignificant and worthless. It was the most glorious sound when we finally kicked the last piece of plywood to the floor.

The other angel always made sure my three kids had rides from school and practices, and a place at her family’s dinner table when I had to work my second and third jobs, or be in court to get their father to follow orders. She never asked if I needed help; she just told the kids what time she would pick them up. And she made it seem like nothing out of the ordinary to them. She just mothered them when I couldn’t be there.

Both friends knew what mattered to me, and made sure it mattered to them, too.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago

Love this! Today is restoring my hope in humanity. There IS still good in this world!

Foggy Days
Foggy Days
6 years ago

I was so lucky. My neighbors, who called the police one horrible night that shook me completely out of the fog.

My supervisor, a really nice man and fellow chump in whom I finally confided when he asked why my performance had been down lately (they’d been thinking of terminating my training). He certified me later that day.

A casual friend who offered me emergency shelter when the police were called, let me and my kids stay with her, and went with me to get my stuff so X couldn’t talk to me.

My parents, who remind me I’m valuable and precious and to remember the look on his face that night.

Turns out I had a lot more friends than I thought.

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago
Reply to  Foggy Days

I love these stories of people who surprise you in a good way. Kudos to them and glad they were there for you

JC
JC
6 years ago

I had plenty; all of my family and friends stuck to their guns and reminded to use logic when I tried to give my STBX a pass on something.

But what resonates in my experience are two colleagues at the company where I worked. One had recently finalized her divorce, and the other was initiating her own. Neither of their divorces involved cheating (at least not that they told me!).

I got happy hour with each of them separately. And it was…just…kind. We each listened to one another’s stories, making connections through similar experiences. There’s a lot of pain in this world; getting to share our stories helps us all to process it.

I wasn’t friends with these women before my divorce, and we didn’t end up developing friendships out of these few happy hours. I now live 2,500 miles away from them and haven’t spoken to them in years.

Regardless, to Tamra and Elizabeth, cheers! I hope you’re thriving in your new lives.

Georgie
Georgie
6 years ago

I was fortunate to have many angels. My dad who died three weeks before ex left and then I felt guided me to evidence of his affair a week later. My two best friends, one who constantly checked up on me even though she was unwell and who I could drop in on at any time. The other who brought me flowers and took me away to the beach for a weekend. Other friends who took me out for coffee or breakfast or a walk. My younger brother and his wife who invited me around for dinner and took me out and swore about my ex with me. My older brother who shared his experience of being cheated on by his ex wife many years ago.(I now realise at the time I probably wasn’t as supportive as I could have been not then having experienced betrayal myself.) I am eternally grateful for their support and I feel closer to all of them as a result.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

I wrote about my angel 4a.m. 4ever last year: https://www.chumplady.com/2016/07/finding-friend-can-confide/

I’m exceedingly pleased to report that she’s been living and prospering in Dublin since the beginning of the year. We talk weekly and text throughout the week, whenever our respective disordered invertebrates does something particularly noteworthy (or laugh-worthy).

Once the decision was made, I brought in my parents and sisters and reconnected a number of other angels — friends and family from whom I’d been effectively cut off by 15 years if making excuses for KK (“she’s not feeling well, she’s tired, she doesn’t really mean what she’s saying/doing..”), as well as the great people at the Northeast Chumps Meetup.

But having 4a.m. 4ever with me (albeit by phone, email and text) as I navigated the absolute worst of the discard and deceit was an absolute blessing (and as an agnostic, I don’t use that word lightly).

FarBetterOff
FarBetterOff
6 years ago

My best friend that lives far away, who I had contacted very little during my 14 year marriage. The night I found the phone records that confirmed my suspicions, I was awake very late and in shock, trying to distract myself with Facebook. She noticed I was online and messaged me asking why I was up so late and if everything was ok.

Despite the fact that I had basically given up on our friendship for 14 years, she was there for me. And she has been ever since. I don’t deserve her. My daughter and I spent Christmas with her last year, and it was the best Christmas we ever had. Ever.

All my other friends, the ones I had been in what I thought were close friendships, completely and utterly abandoned me. They didn’t want to hang out with or help out “sad FBO”. They only wanted to see “happy FBO”. They didn’t care about me at all.

livefortoday2
livefortoday2
6 years ago

My parents. My 85 year old dad who came to stay with me to “protect” me from crazy X. My mom, same age who let him come – and they even missed their 65 year anniversary together. Such love for their daughter. My parents were so distraught that my X of 32 years would treat their daughter so horrible and them also. They are my sounding board. I love them.

Friends who called me every day to check in.

My kids who had my back – my daughter who let me live with her because X would not leave house.
My son, who took me to Italy because X and I were always supposed to go and never did. My son took me this past summer.

Friends who see me tell me I look great – really good. I find that interesting!

The boss who recently hired me me to sell at a store I love.

The attorney who took me on a week before mediation as she could not believe my story and my previous attorneys actions. She got me the proper and fair settlement.

Thank you angels.

Jgirl
Jgirl
6 years ago

I had, still have, no one in my corner.
I fled back to my parents’ house where my mom fake-welcomed me because “of course, it’s faaaamily, that’s what you doooo”. But manages, along with my dad, to sprinkle abuse on me whenever my Grey Rock fades a bit. It’s been hard to rebuild from nothing and it’s still very much a work-in-progress.

But I did meet my Infidelity Angel 🙂 and for that, I’m so very thankful.
It was my hairdresser, back in the town where I used to live.
I was back to visit this summer, escorted by my family. We spent a week “vacationing” with my ex (such a great experience to confirm he IS an unreformed abuser!).
So one day we all went to my hairdresser, I was waiting to get my hair done there because I truly love the place. I remember being there on several moments in the past 2 years, while managing reconciliation. I was there the night of my engagement. They are a super-great team, you walk in and peace and joy instantly surround you. It was one of the hardest things to give up, honestly (I live 150 miles away now).

Anyway, on August 23rd we all went, me, my mom and my ex (me and my ex would always go together, people thought we were cute for doing this). I was under attack those days on both fronts, my dad had made a scene a couple days earlier, my ex had showered me with verbal abuse the minute we were left alone. I was physically in distress while I was sitting there with my head in the sink. Then my ex finished and he left. Shortly after, my mom was done and she left, too. And a second later, this calm and peace slowly washed over me. I realized I was finally fine. I was fine being by myself, surrounded with these nice people, I was with “my tribe”. It was such a difference feeling like “myself” again.

So when the hair stylist (who is also the owner, a warm, spunky 40-year old with an unapologetic lisp and several tattoos) came over to me we start talking about my hair and I tell her that unfortunately I didn’t mean to “betray” her but I’d had to get my color done elsewhere in the previous months, because I’d have to leave my ex and move. And I start tearing up and telling her that I wouldn’t do that because her salon is my happy place. And she tears up as well and rushes to hug me, saying that’s the best thing a customer has ever told her, because that’s her goal for her business, to bring joy to people.
It was such a warm, joyous, positive moment that made a stark contrast with how I’d been treated in the previous days that it really made me believe good people must exist.

Then another stylist, a gay guy about my age, switched over to do my blowout and caught wind of the topic about me leaving home and my ex, so the conversation continued between us. He got soooooooo enraged and furious on my behalf when I told him this story that it really made me think of CL’s column about having a friend get mad for you. It’s really so therapeutic! He went on and on, pausing in between expressions of aggravation, then he’d pick up again like he couldn’t shake it out of his head. He’s always been very fond of me (he said I was such a calm, serene customer) and said “They always do this to the good-hearterd people, don’t they? They can never pick on ugly bastards like them! This bastard! F*ck him!!”. It was actually funny, too 🙂

When I left, they gave me a non-expiring discount voucher, and told me I could come in whenever I could and they would accomodate me. We said some heart-tugging goodbyes. It’s hard to say if I’m ever going to be able to see them again, but that afternoon stays in my heart forever and brings me love and light and peace whenever I think about it. It’s a small, silly thing, maybe, but it was the only drop of support I ever got and I’m cherishing it! I’ve been crying like a fountain just typing this out lol

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Jgirl

Honey, let me tell you about 150 miles.

I travel 150 miles to take my kids to a dentist that we literally searched a year for. We went yesterday and it was worth all the hassle. We love her and her staff. They are warm and welcoming and give excellent care. I make appointments for my kids 6 months in advance and we make a day of it because it’s worth it.

A hundred fifty is NOTHING when you love a place. You’re getting WAY more than just your hair fixed. Maybe you can’t do it all the time, but you can sure do it some. It’s too valuable to let go!

TKO
TKO
6 years ago
Reply to  Jgirl

Beautiful story JGirl. I can relate to that feeling of temporary total warmth. I have been both isolated and in response have isolated myself in a way. And I have lived an existence that has made normal life (light hearted, inconsequential, social interaction; normal pursuits; normal envisioning of future, and so on) come to seem so entirely foreign. I have all but forgotten what it is like to be that way or have that normal form of life.

One afternoon in fall two years ago I was with my side of my extended family at our lake house for end of season yard work, pier removal, etc. After finishing up, we all sat around together resting, chatting in the Indian summer evening, and I was struck by how odd it felt to at long last feel simply “comfortable” for a moment. To not be on guard or otherwise occupied by all this. No one there held any slander campaign doubts in their mind. No one was a threat to betray me or undermine me. There were no agendas, no secrets, no inscrutable disordered abuse. There were no LIES. There was just normal healthy adult interaction. And I almost felt drunk with it. Unbeknownst to the others there, I marvelled privately at how taken I was at the feeling of mere human normalcy after so long under this other kind of daily existence. I didn’t want it to stop but I knew they’d all shortly get up to head back to their own homes. When they did, I did too, slowly, and yet tried to remain in the feeling as I drove home. I thought how far I’ve fallen, or how starved I’ve been, to have what was formerly such an ordinary occurrence now feel so stunningly warm and nostalgic.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Jgirl

There is nothing like anger on your behalf to make you feel better.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Jgirl

Jgirl,
You are a wonderful writer!
What a fantastic hair shop.
Your story is amazing!
As Tempest says, come to the forums, she is spot on. You will find them encouraging and everyone would welcome you.
((((Hugs)))

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Jgirl

What a wonderful hairdresser story, Jgirl. I’ve long thought the best thing someone can do for the newly chumped is get angry on their behalf–very validating.

(Until you can find better social support, sign up for the forums–top right. Someone’s always up to give advice or an encouraging word; most of the CL veterans frequent the Private: General forum.)

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I had a similar moment, with a client/friend at work. I was still new & uncertain about how to tell people, without crying (at work) or vomiting the whole sordid story but instead telling the succinct summary version. She, the nicest sweetest little old lady, had a shocked look on her face and just said, definitively, “Motherfucker.” You could have knocked me over with a feather. The incongruity of HER saying THAT was so hilarious I couldn’t help but laugh. And cry. With relief. — Yes, “anger on [our] behalf” is a true shot in the arm.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

NWbiblio,
I have heard you tell this story before and every single time I imagine this little old lady coming out with the supreme word and the priceless look ???? n your face!
Priceless!
You made my day!????

Lost 220# Deadweight
Lost 220# Deadweight
6 years ago

I had and still have an amazing crew: my girlfriend who made me meet her at the lake to go walking, took me out on the town (probably a bit too much), and she always answered the phone when I was trying to unskein the fuckedupedness. My other girlfriend who made me walk about 3 miles every night while I processed the BS and reminded me that no matter what I did wrong in the relationship, I didn’t deserve the mindfuck and lies while he pretended to be working on our marriage (while taking homeslice on a birthday trip and banging her while still going to marriage therapy). He has since moved in with her and got engaged while we were still married….. seriously, wtf.
And my faith friend… who reminded me that God is bigger than cheaterville.
I have an amazing tribe who saw me through the worst of it.
And he gets stuffy mclovin chubby elbow arms with 2 young kids. I get my freedom since our kids are grown. He gave me a gift, truly he did. It took me a long time to see that, however with enough distance comes clarity.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago

Lost220,
Your “stuffy mclovin”made me smile. Does not sound like a happy meal to me.
YOU are mighty!

CL, thank you for this post topic.
Eventhough I confided in no one, still Angel People helped me then, now, always have, always well.

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago

Fortunately I had my family who I reached out to. Every single one of them, my two cousins who lived near, aunt, uncle, my brother and sisters who live out of state, my cousin who lives overseas offered to come stay with me. Even my boss knew because big reveal was when I was at work and he saw me and I just blurted out what was happening. He told me to go home and take a couple of days off. I was overwhelmed and so thankful. Since I moved out a couple days later, my family wouldn’t leave me alone. Even though at times I wanted to be alone. For the first couple of months someone always stayed with me on the weekends because that’s when I was toughest to kill time. I believe they were there for me because of the true genuine love we all have for each other. They were all very close to my ex also but they way he handled everything it showed he was not genuine or sincere and only thought of himself. I’m sad to hear those who didn’t have people on their side. But don’t be afraid to reach out. You never know who will be there. I’m glad most of us did find some angels out there.

chumpsrushin
chumpsrushin
6 years ago

My sons are my angels. One grabbed me by the shoulders when we were in crisis mode and said “mom, this family has lied and covered up for the last time, we will be honest about him from this day forward” . He made me promise to think of myself for once and leave his father. My other son hugged me and reassured me I needed to get out and that it was my turn to take care of myself and not be invisible anymore . I was shocked at the friends who offered help , they told me they were tired of watching me walk on eggshells for years, watch me struggle financially for years even though I had a good job. Even though I had isolated myself to mightily sparkle my life , they took me back and provided shelter, meals and hugs. I was shocked at all the kindness shown me. I try to pay it forward with acts of kindness every day: tell shell shocked people after their DDay about CN, let people with less items go ahead of me, listen more, pay attention, ask questions to show I’m listening , and go back and thank people and tell them what they did that gave me strength.

geekmom
geekmom
6 years ago

My brother and sister-in-law who, although they live 300 miles away, were available 24/7 with listening ears, shoulders to cry on, talking me off the ledge, and the funds for the attorney’s retainer.

My adult son, who was right there and witnessed everything – he literally picked me up off the floor when I discovered the email cache – held me as I shook and sobbed. He and his girlfriend were my rocks through the divorce and move and the emotional shoals.

My mom, who did everything she could to soothe me – and still does.

My friends, who I discovered were actually MY friends, not his, who were there to comfort, offer help to move, meals, emotional support, and lots of laughs when they were desperately needed. Even the ex’s “best friend” of 45 years will no longer have anything to to with ex after what he did (although the ex calls occasionally, 2 years out, still “needing to tell his side.” Friend won’t return calls.) This man, ex’s bestie, has been right there to help me with anything needed.

The young doctor in the clinic I saw for insomnia, when my regular doctor was not available. She discovered my blood pressure was really high and they gave me meds and monitored for a bit in the office. Then she came in and sat down and ask what was going on. I was kinda zombie-like at that moment and unloaded. We then spent an hour, in tears, she holding my hand, as she shared that her mother had committed suicide a few years earlier as a result of her father’s infidelity and emotional abuse and she knew – actually KNEW – how I felt and how it hurt. She hugged me, gave me her private number, and told me to hang on – I’d get through.

There’s many, many more – acquaintances and strangers – who’ve offered help, a hug, a kind word, and encouragement.

Angels abound.

livefortoday2
livefortoday2
6 years ago
Reply to  geekmom

What a wonderful doctor. That made me cry. Bless you and her.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  geekmom

Love this doctor! Sometimes, it is the strangers who touch us the most. Friends and family already love us, but these people do not have to get involved or spend this kind of time with us…yet they do.

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
6 years ago

My children’s daycare worker. Above and beyond, she watched my 3 year-old *overnight* so I could fly to the other side of the country for a job interview. My daughter kept her awake all night, and she had to work a normal day the next day. It was a great kindness she did for me.

I got the job, and escaped. I don’t know how I would have been able to do this, if not for her help.

Trying2Cope
Trying2Cope
6 years ago

My parents abandoned me in practical terms so I’ve always struggled. Newsflash: being unsupported and alone makes you quite the target for a predator. They were everywhere, always. So I can tell you that when someone helps, it changes EVERYTHING.
Most recently when I needed help, some online friends who have totally different interests, but who I’d been chatting with online about this n’ that for years, drove HUNDREDS OF MILES to come and be with me on the day when my ex left at dawn in his rush to be with the OW whom he’d funded with a lying GoFundMe-thing so they could close the 3000 mile distance between them and be physically together. My ex and I were living and working together at the time. He said that since he was being honest that I shouldn’t be at all upset. I did not reveal my devastation to anyone except these online friends, because I know that revealing weakness is dangerous, it can take you from the frying pan into the fire. My friends were with me for eighteen hours until he came home. He left at dawn the next day too, and in all the days after until he flew her back home, but my friends shifted me out of being completely utterly crushed. A few months later a total stranger, who read something in an online group I administer as a volunteer, offered me free rent for six months so I could get myself straightened out. My ex had been continuing his affair proudly and telling me the whole time that my devastated reaction made no sense, acting like it didn’t matter AT ALL, and I had been feeling lower than the shit under his shoe. I did not know the stranger well, I visited and we spent about an hour together. But I moved in. Got myself together. Then moved to a new home. If you ever have a chance to help someone in genuine need, and you feel doing so is relatively safe for you, please do it. I have always done this myself, including giving thousands of dollars to people escaping abuse. Do it. Just help.

NotToday
NotToday
6 years ago

Honestly, I’ve not found many angels in real life yet, though I’m early in the process. I wonder now if this isn’t a function of my own disorder, if I don’t just form shallow attachments to shallow people.

My counselor has been amazing, and the online 2x4s I’ve gotten here and elsewhere have gotten me unstuck more than once.

But, strangely, my best angel has been me, not as I am, but as I’m supposed to be. My counselor calls her “Adult NotToday” and she first showed up when I became pregnant for the first time. It’s when I step out of myself and imagine one of my kids in my situation. I give myself the advice and support I would give them.

Every day since DDay1, I’ve known that if my daughter called me up and told me her husband had treated her the way Mr. Justification has treated me, I would drive to her, pack up her stuff, and help her any way I could to leave that SOB.

So even on the days I don’t feel any outside support, that actualized version of myself is my angel, pushing me into the next baby step out of this marriage.

TheBestMe
TheBestMe
6 years ago
Reply to  NotToday

NotToday,

This is powerful. I think when you are too giving with no boundaries (a chump) it does draw in a more shallow crowd. Our open wounds drawing in the preditors. I found that I lost a lot of “friends” that were not sad at what was happening to me. As you turn into your hero, you will draw in strong and loving people.

You are mighty!!

TheBestMe
TheBestMe
6 years ago

I was shocked at the friends I thought would be there for me who were horrified at what happened to the “perfect” couple on the street and avoided me like it was contagious. I had always talked so highly of the EX that they could not switch gears with me after I found out about his affair with co-worker. I got comments about my weight and if I looked better he would not have strayed.

My angels were my pastor at church who met with me and my sons weekly. a woman who use to go to my church but switched, she just reached out to me one day on Facebook and ask me to dinner. Said she knew something was off. She was a mighty chump who left her cheater the day she found out about OW (she chumped when he moved out saying he just needed time and space to think but later when she found OW she was done!!!!) She let me talk and would get so mad for me, she got it.

But my sons who were 15 and 17 at the time were the ones in the trenches with me, they were rocks with such great boundaries they kept me moving forward. How can you be the worlds worse person when you are looked at with such LOVE even when you are at your not your best self. They taught me true acceptance, like a previous poster said, there was no more walking on eggshells in my house. I had two surgeries (cancer) and they took care of me and nursed me like professionals. Instead of getting angry and acting out (mostly) they turned their energy into putting a family back together again. Now 3 years later, they are both in College and Men I am proud of.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  TheBestMe

I have a son like this and it does make your heart swell.

MehorBust
MehorBust
6 years ago

I have been so blessed to have had so many angels in my life:

My sister, who told me he sucked, guided me to Chump Lady, and has always had my back.
My friends, Ann and Donna, who came over just to sit with me and make sure my daughter and me were eating.
Maria, who works at the grocery store I go to, who offered to shop for me and bring groceries over.
My doctor, who gave me her cell phone number and told me to call anytime I just needed to talk.
My neighbors, who have offered to help me with taking care of the house, and the yard.
A Kind Woman, who had the misfortune of sitting next to me on an airplane when my emotions got the better of me, who listened to my story and empathized.

I could go on and on. The list is staggering. And realizing that makes me feel so grateful.

Most of all, today, my angels are the people here on CN. You lift me up.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago

I have had many people be my angels. In addition to STBX leaving and discovering the magnitude of the cheating, that first year and a half, I also gave birth to a baby who then had her first seizure at 4 1/2 months. 6 more trips to the ER and 4 more hospital stays (including 3 days in ICU on a ventilator) followed. And I lost my job. And STBX was about 1% involved. Last Christmas, my older daughter and I made candles out of the baby jars and sent along the following note to everyone who helped us out:

Life in 2016 has been hard. It has been devastating and touched with despair at times. Through it all though, we have continued to see God’s Grace weaving through our lives.

For every meal a friend or family member dropped off, He was there.

For every text message, phone call or card sent to offer moral support, He was there.

For the kind nurses and doctors that cared not just for Daugter#2 but our family, He was there.

For all the rides that have been given to my two older kids, He was there.

For my babysitter who was willing to continue to watch Daughter#2 knowing that she may have to deal with a life threatening seizure, He was there.

For my parents who are there in every way and keep me from drowning, He was there.

For the co-workers who have taken over some of my work responsibilities while I was in the hospital and dealing with appointments, He was there.

For every single person who has opened their hearts and given of their time to help my kids and I, thank you for allowing God’s Light to shine through you. We are eternally grateful.

Dollygumdrop
Dollygumdrop
6 years ago

These are such amazing and uplifting stories, thank you all so much for sharing them. I have tears in my eyes and I hope some day I have the strength to be able to help others as they and you have helped me.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
6 years ago

Thanks for this column. I still come back here now & then, three years later. So it’s good to reflect on those who helped get me where I am and to know that now I can help be that person for someone else.

My angels were:
— A work friend who’s dad was a cheater, and when she heard XH was moving out that day, she said matter-of-factly, “Nope. You can’t be there. Come to my house while he’s there.” A complete surprise, because I never thought of her as that kind of friend;
— An old college friend who was, lucky for me, not working. And he responded to my daily emails, every single day for many many months. Never with impatience or criticism, just love and support.
— My boss who forgave me when I was at wit’s end and made a very very stupid mistake. [For those of you who know I’m a veterinarian, I assure you the mistake had nothing to do with patient care.]
— My sister, a chump herself, who managed to be both sympathetic and no-nonsense. When I heard her tone of voice, I knew XH was gone for good and never coming back, helping snuff any Hopium fumes still wafting around.

And many many more. Please note that nowhere in this list is there mention of any of our friends from within the marriage. They all took his side. Every last one of them. — Sometimes I think that if I had kids, this would be the main message I would try to teach them: don’t cut yourself off entirely once you find your life partner. Because someday it might all go to shit, and it’s nice to have something, anything, you can rely on. For me, this was: work, college, family.

missy
missy
6 years ago

I always think and sometime say outloud to close friends, I had 5 angels who saved me….

1) The final and real psychiatrist (not like all the other 15ish?? couch counselors who didn’t offer shit or blamed me over years…) who finally diagnosed his NPD and told me privately to leave and start a new life and stop running on the rat wheel to make it work…because it NEVER would.
2) A longtime business associate who sold his company just in the right moment and got my shares paid out to me when I was broke, broke, broke….
3) A dear friend who owned a property management company who got me and daughter placed in a house for a month while I searched for a permanent home at no cost.
4) A business partner who has been there still, always, with something to help me in the long aftermath
5) My mom….ditto….

SouthernShine74
SouthernShine74
6 years ago

My Angel came in from an odd place. It was a friend/co-worker of my ex’s. Ex told her and her spouse TERRIBLE lies about me and used “going to their house” as a way to get out of the house to see married gf without their knowledge. There was a back fire when we all happened to be together one day and ex complained that we both needed to do some things on our own – this was a way to go be with married gf and justify it. I had no one. I shyly asked her work friend if we could go get a pedicure and lunch the next day. I was way into the pick me dance and would have done ANYTHING that sparkly dog turd suggested. To my surprise she said yes and we went. We got to talking about things sitting in those chairs getting pedicures and had a good day. What I didn’t know is that she went home to her spouse and said she knew ex was full of lies and shit within 20 minutes of talking to me. We became close….sisterly close. She held me up when I didn’t think I would make it. She gave me advice that I wouldn’t take and still stood behind me. I love her and know I wouldn’t have made it without her. She literally saved my life. She is the reason my children have me today….I am positive I wouldn’t have survived. We both hate my ex. Sometimes I wonder if she hates her more than me even! lol She is my person in a non-romantic, BFF kind of way. So thankful He put her in my path…..

beginningtohope
beginningtohope
6 years ago

You do see so much of people’s true colors when you share – I’ve been astonished by the reactions of some more casual friends (including friends who were the STBX’s friends originally) who have been completely on my side, and equally astonished by the Switzerland reactions of some of the people I’d always considered to be my friends or people with a strong moral compass.

But my best and most helpful angels have been two friends – one of them was a dear friend from college who lives several states away, but who has made trips to help me nest in my new surroundings, will talk on the phone at any time of day or night, and invited me to join her and her family for their summer vacation at a family camp.

The other was a friend who I’d originally met through my STBX – she was the first person I told after D-day, the person who recommended a therapist to help me deal with the trauma, the person who offered me a place to stay if I needed it, and the person whose focus all the way through was on me. She listened to me as I worked my way through the situation and got to the point where I was ready to leave, and she was outraged on my behalf, but she also encouraged me to go out and do some “awesome adulting” – that response was a true gift. So many people have reacted with anger but also with pity – sort an “oh poor you” response that is well-intentioned, but makes it seem like my life without the cheater is somehow less. This particular friend helped me realize that my life without the cheater is more – that although it is a tremendous betrayal, it’s not the only thing that defines my life. She was the cheerleader for the “gain a life” mantra before I even found CN – she encouraged me to think about what I would do with the time that had been freed up, what I wanted for myself, and how to move forward, and I am forever grateful to her for viewing me as more than just STBX’s cheated on spouse even before I could see myself that way.

BowTie
BowTie
6 years ago

Great topic! Sorry everyone – this is realllly long. It means a lot to me though. This is the first response that I’ve actually composed off-line first because I think it’s a great story and didn’t want to hit submit too soon.

My main angel was a wonderful woman who I will call “Buffy”. Not her real name but after she heard about me telling others how great she had been for me she asked that I not use her real name.

We had an interesting history. I was recruiting for a tech project that I was running and her resume came across my desk from one of the best agents that it was my pleasure to work with. She didn’t have any recent experience but she had a depth of past experience. She also didn’t have any experience in my industry, nor with the technology being used. But she was cheap and her soft skills fit the project need so I interviewed her. She blew me away in the interview with her ability to understand and analyze and got the contract. She did require some extra effort and patience from me but she got the job done and then was able to parley that into a successful new role that has allowed her to stay current with tech.

Later I learned that she had dealt with some personal “chumpy” sort of disasters of her own (I listen but don’t pry) and that the job that I gave her hauled her out from a path that might have ended up very differently. She refers to me as “the best boss she ever had” which makes me feel good.

Some time later, right after DDay, she contacted me about perhaps a joint project we could do on the side. I was in a very bad place and wrote her back thanking her but letting her know that I had just discovered that my wife had been cheating on me and wanted to leave and that I had to focus on saving my marriage. Well! You’ve all seen the classic movie scene where the cavalry comes over the hill behind the lone horseman. That’s how I felt. She instructed me to write to her every day and to tell her what good things I was doing for myself. So I did. Long, tedious letters that went in to far too many details many of which made her quite uncomfortable. Many of them she would respond to with highlights and comments of the “you’re an idiot” sort which is what I needed to hear. We would have dinner from time to time (told my wife I was having dinner with a “friend” to be “mysterious”). I also found myself getting drawn towards her and probably could have been an easy conquest if she had wanted to do that. We kept it “just friends”. After a while I burned her out. She was so very frustrated with me “allowing” my wife to treat me with the way she was – much of which was driven by the hopium I was being fed by a Reconciliation website that I was active on. We drifted apart a bit and then after a rest reconnected but not in the same sort of intense way that it had been. I had healed some in no small part due to her.

Sometime later I met IRL one of my friends from the RIC website I was active on. We had a very intense correspondence, much like mine with Buffy. She told me that for her I was “her” Buffy which made me feel good because paying things forward is important. Buffy warned me about her though because it didn’t seem “right” to her and sure enough this person turned out to be a classic narc who had gotten dumped and latched on to me. As a laugh, Buffy told me that if I ended up in a bathtub full of ice missing my kidneys that I would only have myself to blame. I dodged a bit of a bullet though because I had hit the discard part of the cycle when we actually met and I haven’t heard from her in months. It was a good experience though because this younger, beautiful, intelligent woman was interested in “little ol me” – so in some ways perhaps this narc was also a bit of an angel. I’ve developed a bit of an understanding of the narcissist mind-set believing that many of them act the way they do without intent. It’s just who they are which also means that they’re unlikely to change.

There are others – so very many others. I encourage people who when they are in a crisis to reach out their hand. It’s amazing who will lift you up and it’s often not the people we expected it to be.

And yes – I have a number of friends, some of whom where angels to me for whom I try my best to be an angel. I’ve also encountered a surprising number of chumps and sat with them, seeing the tears in their eyes in some cases decades after they were chumped themselves and just listen and not judge.

If I can say anything to anyone who wants to be an “angel” themselves. Don’t judge. Just listen. Often that’s all that people truly need. They need to know that someone understands. They need to know that someone cares.

Oh – and I sent a text to Buffy this morning reminding her that’s it’s been a long time since we last had dinner and it’s my turn. She’s doing fine – and thanks to the angels all around me, I’m doing … better. One thing that may be a challenge if I ever do form a new relationship with someone is that it will need to have room for my angels in it too who are of various genders, nationalities and personality types. And yes – a guy can have good female friends that he will give big hugs to and to whom he’s not romantically involved.

Thanks to anyone who read. I’m grateful to be able to share this story.

Thanks CL and CN

BT

13 Years a Chump
13 Years a Chump
6 years ago

I can think of two:
1) The counselor I went to on my own after too many D-Days, who had a daughter in a similar marriage, who gave me the clue that I was dealing with a Cluster B personality, and basically gave me a mandate to divorce him. (Every other counselor and church friend was RIC.)
2) My grandfather. The ex had taken out a $10,000 high-interest loan in my name to keep his ass out of prison for theft. When I divorced him, I ended up taking on that loan and his truck payment to buy him out of his half of the house. When my grandfather heard about the insane interest rate on the loan, he paid it off for me and is letting me pay him at 0% interest so I’m not stuck with it forever. (This has gone a long way in helping me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Divorce was just finalized in May 2017.)

DancesWithMeh
DancesWithMeh
6 years ago

There was my dad, a very conservative guy. I didn’t know how he would take the news that my husband was a cheating scumbag who had Thai prostitutes and girls on every continent. He was my rock and my strongest supporter in my divorce battle.

But he was in the US, and I was in Australia. So there was my group of dog owners at the dog park. Each one of them spent time with me and offered me solace, staying at their houses for various periods of time to get away from the idiot.

There was an acquaintance, who got me a job contract which made it possible for me to make enough money in 4 months to be able to take the rest of the year off to concentrate on getting through the divorce.

But the biggest one was an old school chum and her mother. My school chum had been married to a physically abusive guy who, it later turns out, got thrown in jail for 170 years on child molestation charges. Luckily, my friend and her young son got out before the molestation started… it was the half-siblings that came later who made the charges.

My chum’s mother had therefore been through a bad divorce with her own daughter. They had me over to dinner, and she looked me in the eye and said, “The first and main thing you need to know is that you’re going to be OK! You will make it through this and come out the other side with a better life! Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.” She said it with such conviction that for the first time, I believed it.

My friend’s mother was going through her fourth bout of cancer treatments after having had both breast and lung cancer. She told me that she would be waiting for me to come back and tell her that she was right, that I made it through the divorce battle, and that life was better.

She was going through pretty serious chemo at the time, so I told her fine, she’s have to beat this cancer and stick around for awhile so I could come back and tell her she was right.

Two years later, I showed up at her door with my new fiancé and a big smile on my face, to tell her she was right.

About 8 months later, she died, but she stuck around long enough to hear that she was right! It meant a lot to be able to give that back to her.

MehGloriousMeh
MehGloriousMeh
6 years ago

So many angels! People who helped me move, some of them just acquaintances. People who gave me gift cards for groceries, who likely didn’t realize that at some points I had absolutely NO MONEY. People who gave me furniture, who actually delivered it and set it up for me. And most of all, the ones who said many, many prayers on my behalf.

Another “friend” who helped me: Ali Wentworth in the television series HeadCase. A friend loaned me the series on DVD and I watched it during some of the darkest days of my separation and divorce. It was the most wonderful little distraction from the shitstorm, and she was crazy enough to make ME feel just a bit more normal. <3

twiceachump
twiceachump
6 years ago

My angel is and has been my mom. She was a chump herself with my dad. She was married 25 years to a narc playboy. The last time she caught him with a girl my older sister’s age, she told him she was done. She had never truly believed she was mighty and I never understood why. She was the breadwinner working 6 days a week and doing all the adulting. My dad’s ‘job’ was really a hobby that took him on the road ALL OF THE TIME and sucked up more money than it ever brought home.

My dad cried to me (15 years old at the time) that mom was leaving him. The skank girl ended up pregnant and he married her. She had another baby less than a year later. I found out years later that he tried to leave her several times and she would try to commit suicide and be hospitalized. My dad had to do all the adulting and raise those kids. The oldest one moved out and into her boyfriends house when she was 14 years old to get away. The son is a hot mess, sounds like he’s really lazy and uses people. They were married for 30 + years but my dad continued to be on the road and doing what he’d always done. The wifetress had a boyfriend that lived with them.

For the icing on the cake, my mom said she was so furious for years. She said she never in a million years ever thought she’d feel sorry for him. My dad would call my mom throughout the last 10 or so years and chat about his life, the kids, how well all the grandkids were doing. It was one of his only windows into our lives. When his cancer progressed this spring, he asked my mom if he could still be buried beside her in the mauseleum where her parents and sister are buried. His parents are also in the same cemetary. The wifetress is from another town and wanted to be cremated, so she didn’t care about eternal resting with him. He also wanted my mom’s priest whom he had never met to perform the ceremony. My mom had to go to her church, the funeral home, and the cemetary with the wifetress and my dad’s sister to make all of the arrangements.

So my mom is a saint. She had found ‘meh’ many years ago. My dad’s sister is a very strong personality and my mom had to set her straight a few times. The wifetress is a timid forest creature and would sit in the corner and only come forward if she needed to sign something. My mom only said ‘she’s a little more country and simple than I ever realized’. Yep, there you have it. A life of karma for my dad.

My brother and I went to his service. My sister didn’t attend. His wife hid out in the back of the funeral home for most of it smoking. My mom, brother, and 1/2 sister were left to attend to the visitation guests.

So when I was chumped, my mom told me she understood having to get out no matter how you had to do it. Even if you leave money on the table, you have to do it for your sanity. She had no regrets on her decision and neither should I.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

twiceachump,
WOW,
I just read your post and am amazed by your Mother.
This wonderful Lady passed on her strength to you.
You both are Mighty!

MIssDeltaGirl
MIssDeltaGirl
6 years ago
Reply to  twiceachump

Wow! Your mom sounds like an amazing lady.

LittleRed
LittleRed
6 years ago

Countless friends who regularly check in, drop off random pizzas and bottles of wine, encouraging reminders that they’re praying for me…

My mother and father who sleep over my house twice a week to help me with the two little ones so I can catch my breath.

My mother (again!) who regularly sends food home with me because she knows it’s hard for me to cook after working full time and corralling the kids alone.

My extended family who showed up at my house to paint and landscape and organize to get my house on the market ASAP.

My friend’s husband who ensures my lawn is mowed and asks so I don’t have to.

My boss who stops by my desk almost daily to remind me there’s “no upgrading” from me. He always makes me smile with that.

I am BLESSED by my incredible support system. They are keeping me afloat.

livefortoday2
livefortoday2
6 years ago

This is a wonderful column – to read about all the kind people – genuine I care types. Encouraging!

crushedfifi
crushedfifi
6 years ago

When I first read this article, I wanted to say that I have no one because of isolated feel alone and work long hours. But I will say I am extremely grateful for even the kindness of strangers and acquaintances. CN has given me peace and support on the sleepless nights, the times crying too hard to be around people and validation through shared experiences and wisdom. I had gotten to the point where I thought I was crazy and that there was something wrong with me. That’s what happens when you’re with extremely abusive narc Who has an arsenal of God and spiritual Lingo to attack you with. Thinking about this post made me realize two things number one I am A chump, b there are good people. I’m a chump bc the people who are closest- friends, family, the leech- all abused me didn’t come to my aid- in some way I’m trauma bonded and keep abusive personalities closer to me than good people. But people came to my aid Dianna by friend from NY would text me all day and all night, god put a wonderful woman in my life in this isolated area I just moved to who has become a close friend. She went thru a cheating husband episode herself. Then my dad (sans my narc mom) calls every night to check on me. My sponser has been living and supportive opening her house to me when I travel to the city. And lastly my friend M who opened her house and her life and tells me I’m always welcome. It really made me think about cleaning out these selfish BFF I supposadle love and and loyal too. This was so painful and I only received one text from my best friend. In a month. Thank u all again online community For your support !!

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
6 years ago

I had many angels, including the spiritual kind. I felt the influence of my loving ancestors guiding me, and pushing me forward. My neighbor Tracy, who could watch X from her porch as he went back and forth to the OW house! She clued me in gently when I told her he gave up OW, told me- no, he’s with her all day when you’re at work. ????
A guy coworker who told me I was desirable, when I felt like such a toad. My Mom, who let me move into her basement, and threw X off her porch twice! My sons, who held me, and always were on my side, even though they can’t help but love their selfish Dad. And, CN. My many cohorts, who truly understand this shit, and make me tear up, and laugh, too!

I am the Chump.
I am the Chump.
6 years ago

The fellow parents in my daughter’s class at school. For a year, we were invited to a variety of amazing dinners- barbecue, Filipino food, Persian food, whatever their specialty was. No one of them took X`s side. I had angels who were closer to me like my sister and a few best friends, but the unexpected support from that group meant so much.

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
6 years ago

I was lucky. I had 3:
1) The poor marriage counselor who told me quite directly “Don’t you DARE take her back unless you hear things like ‘I’m sorry,’ and ‘I’m going to change, and here’s how.’ And even then, wait till you see the proof before you let her even have an inch back into your heart.” She knew darn well none of those things was going to happen. She would follow this with “You go do what makes YOU happy. Don’t worry about her.” She knew I was better off without her, and did her best to help me see that.
2) A therapist who said “People who have multiple affairs have a hole in their souls that cannot be filled. You can’t ever make her happy.”
3) A brother who was deployed in the military overseas. Sadly, he had seen many affairs, both by deployed people and by their spouses back home, and he was very cynical about the whole thing. He was also quite blunt in his assessment.

That Is Not A Thing
That Is Not A Thing
6 years ago

I can’t even finish reading these. I’m at my desk with mascara running down my face. I’m not out, yet. But by all that remains holy, I will be an angel if I can. And you people without angels? Message me. In the end, only kindness matters. — Jewel (this dates me).

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago

That Is Not A Thing,
Your post is very very kind.
I send (((((many many hugs)))))) to you.

Jgirl
Jgirl
6 years ago

You’re a wonderful soul for saying that.
I hope you find your way out soon!

CurlyChump
CurlyChump
6 years ago

Sometimes you have to be your OWN angel first. Are you not out yet because you’re getting your ducks in a row or because you’re hoping your partner will change? Get on the road to mighty. It is rough terrain, but it takes you to a MUCH better place than Chumpland. ((hugs))

knittedrobin
knittedrobin
6 years ago

I was on a farm when my ex left. He left the cows and sheep behind, but took the tractor and all the tools with him to OW’s farm 800 miles away. So I had all these hungry animals to feed (until they could be sold) and only huge big-baled silage for them to eat, and because I didn’t have a tractor I couldn’t move the bales. A neighbour farmer told me to ring him every time I needed a bale carried and opened, and not to worry about bothering him for an instant. For seven weeks this man would drop everything and drive three miles to my farm every time I rang him, move a bale with his tractor, and open it for me. He was happily married to his second wife (former chump himself) and just told me gently that I’d find someone much better than my husband one day and be happy again. He’s not popular locally (I think because he is quiet and doesn’t go out much with his family) but I will always admire him for doing that for me. A real angel. Just did it to be kind.

Laughing Gator
Laughing Gator
6 years ago

I was so shocked after my Dday when people who I thought were my closest friends turned on me and believed my Ex’s lies. My best friend who I had known for 20 years (and he and his wife were my friends years before I met the Ex) told me “where there is smoke there is fire” and I want you to keep away from my wife and daughters (Ex was telling everyone I was a cheater and womanizer and I cheated on her not the truth which was the other way around). That hurt because no matter what I said they would never believe me. There were many others as well that I thought were friends but were not.

My family didn’t help much because they had always hated my Ex, never wanted me to marry her and hated having to deal with her. When it all blew up, I got a bunch of “I told you so’s” and “You’re a grown man and got yourself into this mess, so get yourself out… I don’t wanna hear about it”.
I still talk to them but they wonder why I’m not close to them like I was before.

My Angels: First I know many reading this don’t believe this and it is OK but I think that when you pray to God for help, does a big hand come down and help you ?? No, people out of the blue feel a compulsion to help you…I believe that is God helping you.
I had a really rough time during the divorce yet out of the blue 2 coworkers who I was not that close to before really stepped up and helped me immensely. They were there for me and I am forever grateful.

When I got married earlier this year to my true love of my life (5 years after divorce final), they sat at the head table next to us and they didn’t understand why. I told them that if it wasn’t for them we wouldn’t be there that day. That unbeknownst to them, right when I met them I was contemplating suicide and their friendship was what I needed to keep going. They are 2 of my closest friends and all my former friends and family who had no time for me, I have no time for them.

MovingOnChump
MovingOnChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Laughing Gator

Laughing Gator, your story brought tears to my eyes. God brought these people into your life. Greater good was coming to you. Congratulations on your marriage to your true love.

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
6 years ago

Ohmygosh, I have a wonderful circle of friends who have supported me through the last 18 months. Myndivircenisnnot final, and I’m still in the Famiky house with my daughter, so I haven’t faced the financial realities yet. But I am in a far better situation than most. I realize how much larger their burden is and admire their strength to pull through.

My cadre of Angels all come from different aspects of my life — work, school volunteering, daughter’s ski team, etc. I met one of my best friends in a shoe store when we weee both pregnant.

DD#2 happened at 24.5 years. For my 25th anniversary, I gathered my cadre of Angels and hosted a dinner party to thank them for their love and support. It was an absolutely magical evening for everyone and a wonderful memory of what could have been a horrible day.

I’m 18 months in and still struggling. (I don’t miss him but an enraged that I dedicated myself to a faux marriage.)
But these wonderful friends are still by my side.

My ex lives 150 miles away and when he comes down to visit his daughter he doesn’t have anywhere to stay. We’ve lived in this town for 27 years and he doesn’t have a single friend he can stay with. What does that say?

Anyway, I feel like I owe my future life to my Angels. I see it. I don’t know how to get there yet, but with the help of these wonderful friends, I know I will.

kimsoverit
kimsoverit
6 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagle

Giddy Eagle, I’ve been contemplating this of late too. “We’ve lived in this town for 27 years and he doesn’t have a single friend he can stay with. What does that say?”

I moved away from former home last year, out of state, and DICK lives across the country. When I (frequently) have to be in former town for a Court hearing, I have multiple places to stay, with friends fighting over me for ‘visiting time’! I have keys to their houses and my wifi automatically logs in. I know where the wine is! My favorite tea is in the cupboard. Their dogs & cats & kids all love me too 😉 Sometimes I cook for them, sometimes we grill. They’re just THERE for me, whatever I need. I’m a low-maintenance houseguest too, which helps. My grown children also drop in on said friends and are welcomed as family, for Holidays, parties or anytime. My daughter even shows up occasionally with LAUNDRY to do, lol!

In contrast, DICK has nowhere to stay except hotels now. He was staying with a friend’s Dad who was widowed a few years ago, but that friend (a cheater too) broke up with his OW and had to move in with his Dad ‘temporarily’. At last month’s hearing DICK told not a soul he was there, no texts, not even our children knew about it… (I saw both kids, although briefly)

Thank God for my angels! I am truly blessed. <3