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UBT: “An Optimist’s Guide to Divorce”

Thanks Modern Love of the New York Times for yet another romantic tale of conscious uncoupling. This last Sunday’s column was an OW’s cute How We Met story — Mother’s Day (the chump’s). On a barstool. It was “love at first sight.”

Modern Love. Come for the cliches. Stay for the sociopathy. 

Yes, another smug, faux-self-deprecating OW tale of love and superiority with the Super Understanding Chump Who Is Her New BFF. (Spoiler alert: They get mani-pedis.)

Of course a bazillion of you sent it to me. Of course I will UBT it.

Beka told me about her self-care plans for the day of her final divorce hearing as we were getting pedicures. Her two daughters sat between us in child-size pedicure chairs, chattering away and paying no attention to our conversation.

“I scheduled a facial, a massage, and lots of drinks beginning at 2 p.m.,” she said. “I’m going to need this. We know half the attorneys in town, and I bet we’ll see someone in court. Watch it be one of the loudmouths.”

We both laughed and sipped our wine.

I WIN THE PICK ME DANCE! LAUGH AND SIP YOUR DOOM, MOTHERFUCKER!

Beka told me about her self-care plans her sad attempts at normalcy for the day of her final divorce hearing my triumphant victory.

Beka is my boyfriend’s wife, and the girls are their children. I met her husband, Josh, the summer before, on Mother’s Day, which coincided with their 12th wedding anniversary. Beka had shooed him out of the house to host a mother-daughter tea, and he appeared in the seat next to me at a neighborhood bar.

Beka is the woman I conspired against to win my boyfriend, and the girls are the collateral damage sitting in child-size pedicure chairs. #sorryaboutyourparentsdivorce  #sparklytoenailsmakeitallbetter

He says it was love at first sight, while I thought he was just another sexy married guy — strictly off limits.

Here’s a dreamboat for you — a man who spends his anniversary AND Mother’s day in a bar! Picking up random skanks Falling in love with strange pussy ME.

I know it sounds all wrong, but I’m just that kind of irresistible siren.

Over the next two months, as I cycled in and out of tumultuous relationships,

Over 8 whole weeks I’ve had relationships (plural) and managed to create entire chaos cycles. But let’s call it “tumultuous.” It sounds so much more Hallmark movie channel rom-com that way. #borderlinepersonalitydisorder  #dateme #oriwillboilyourbunnies

he kept popping up.

I’m passing this off as kismet, but cheaters tend to pop up when you give them your number.

Occasionally we would wave across a coffee shop or exchange a few words on the street. One day he took a seat next to me at another bar, where we joined in the happy-hour conversation about politics and sex.

Neither of us have gainful employment, which frees us up for hours spent at coffee shops, bars, and Talk Sexy to Me Trivia Nights. #justwaving #exchangingglances #okayiwillblowu

When he left to pick up his children, I wasn’t surprised when he said, “Can I see you again?”

Generally men don’t ask to see me again. #alone4breakfast #WHYWONTYOUSEEME #tumultuous

I thought: “Just another creep trying to fool around behind his wife’s back.”

I had a fleeting moment of lucidity. It passed.

But I agreed to meet him again, mostly because it was easier than explaining why I wouldn’t and because I was certain I would never have an affair with him.

I agreed to help destroy the family of two small children and an innocent woman because it was easier than giving out a fake phone number. There would have been NUMBERS. And probably pens. I grow faint just thinking of that kind of exertion.

I was wrong about Josh. He wasn’t a creep or even a cheater. He was a man who loved his children more than anything.

So much so, that he ditched their mother on Mother’s Day to profess love to a stranger on a bar stool. He could’ve been assisting with the girls’ tea party, or out shopping for presents, or changing the oil in his wife’s car (Happy Anniversary, darling!) — but in a totally, uncreepy, utterly monogamous way, he was picking me up in a bar instead.

He was a man who loved his children. And then he met me!

Josh and Beka were a powerhouse couple — affluent, attractive, highly educated, generous — and the backbone of upper-middle-class respectability developing in my bohemian neighborhood.

I want upper-middleclass, powerhouse respectability. But that probably requires a job and less barstool sitting. Alas, I will never achieve these things, so I’ll steal them from Beka instead.

They had married in their 20s because they got along, had a lot in common (both are lawyers) and the timing was right; many of their friends were tying the knot.

He NEVER loved Beka! It was just the timing and peer pressure. That’s what Josh tells me over and over and over again when I threaten to simmer Fluffernutter. LOVE ME OR THE RABBIT DIES!

#answermytextsJosh #whats4dinner #fluffernuttersoup

Twelve years in, their marriage seemed to be compatible and right. But it was a union of practicality more than passion, and Josh was miserable. He didn’t think he had any right to be miserable, but he was.

Josh wasn’t a creep or a cheater. He’s a man who loves his children. Who tells random women he meets in bars that his wife doesn’t understand him.

Beka? I’m sorry you can’t be me, who is both compatible AND right. While you have zero passion with Josh, I have ALL the passion. And you have… well you have nice toenails now, Beka. #BFFs

I didn’t understand why Josh was willing to break apart everything he had to be with someone like me.

Yes I do. It’s because I’m AWESOMELY SPECIAL AND BETTER THAN BEKA! #humblebrag

I was a struggling academic recovering from a messy divorce, deliberately childless at 40. My devotion to my students and my love for my dogs served as a stand-in for stable and nurturing human relationships.

I don’t have stable and nurturing human relationships. Ergo Josh looks pretty good.

After many years of struggle, I recently had learned I had bipolar II disorder, which meant I finally had the right medicine. But I was wrestling with shame as I realized how many of my spectacularly bad decisions had been influenced by mental illness. I had to learn how to trust others and myself, and at times it felt like I would never get there.

Perhaps the meds aren’t working. Josh is a spectacularly bad decision. Need more Clozapine to drown out that thought. #BPDmademedoit

Josh said he liked me simply because he did. “I am married to a wonderful, successful, beautiful woman,” he said. “By any calculation, I should be happy. But I’m not, so I have decided that I am not going to calculate anymore.”

As we spent more time together, everything about our relationship felt natural. There was no imbalance in our love for one another, and we shared the same values and sense of humor. It turns out that Josh’s refusal to calculate — and my distrust in my ability to calculate — led us to the best decision of our lives: to do what it would take to be together. But that meant inflicting undeserved pain on others.

But what the hell! Inflicting pain felt natural. Resisting did not. We share the same values — putting ourselves above others.

On a sticky Sunday in August, when Josh and Beka’s children were staying with his mother, he asked her for a divorce. At first she refused to believe he was serious. Then she grew so angry that she shook.

Josh told me this!

A visibly upset Josh met me after she told him to leave the house. He was ashamed, relieved and almost physically sick with sorrow.

Beka threw him out! Josh is physically sick with sorrow to be with me! #winning!

“I could handle her anger,” he said. “And I agreed with everything she said. It’s unthinkable for me to dismantle all we’ve built. But I fell apart when she started to cry. She put her head on my chest while she cried. I’ve never felt so horrible in my life.”

Who’s the powerhouse NOW, Beka? Huh?

There, there, Beka. We can be besties later, and you can tell everyone how losing your marriage was For The Best, because you failed to sufficiently appreciate Josh. Who feels really horrible about it. (But not that horrible.)

About a month later, he told Beka about me. This time, her anger was not tinged by sorrow; she was furious. After hours of shouting, however, she began to feel better than she had since Josh first mentioned divorce.

“It makes more sense for the divorce to be about another woman,” he said. “Many of our friends are going through divorces for the same reason. And I’ll admit, she felt a lot better when I told her you’re four years older than she is. She assumed you would be about 25.”

Bitch cookie! My fuckbuddy is age-appropriate!

Then Beka surprised us both. Through Josh, she invited me to dinner.

“What?” I said. “Seriously? How is that going to work?” I didn’t see how a dinner could be pulled off without the whole thing erupting in open conflict or stalling into awkward silence. But, again, I was wrong.

“I had to meet you,” Beka said as she opened the door. “Josh wants you to meet our girls, but I need to get to know you first.”

Her smile seemed genuine, her eyes kind. She was small and beautiful, somehow elegant in casual shorts. Although I am short as well, I felt huge and ungainly next to her.

Beka surprised us both with her magnanimity and willingness to give up Josh. I was sort of hoping she’d sob and weep some more at her loss, but this “come for dinner” thing threw me.

Then I realized that it was just another opportunity to demonstrate my superiority. I didn’t do a bad thing! See even Beka AGREES that I am BETTER for Josh!

My smugness feels huge and ungainly next to her kindness.

Josh was practically disabled by anxiety during that three-hour dinner.

Goddamnit, who put Beka in the driver’s seat?

As Beka and I got to know each other, he drank nonstop. But Beka made sure I felt totally at ease. Our conversation ranged from trivial matters and uproarious stories about neighborhood matters to serious acknowledgment of our unusual situation.

Beka is offloading her drunk husband on me. We laughed uproariously.

After we all had hugged good night, I thought, “This won’t last.” I braced myself for the wrath to come, but it never materialized. Instead, Beka introduced me to their adorable children, and my immediate bond with them made me silently rejoice that I didn’t have children of my own. It was as if I had been saving my maternal love for Rose and Alice, who were then 7 and 3.

The kind of maternal love that breaks up the home of a 7 and 3 year old.

One day they brought tears to my eyes when, after a raucous game of me holding them upside down and tickling them, we snuggled on the couch to watch a movie.

“I love you,” Rose whispered. “I’m so glad you’re part of my family.”

“I’m terrified to lose my family,” Rose whispered. “If you’re the new adult here, I have to go along with it. I’m 7.”

Beka was the one who worked the hardest to make me part of the family. She invited me to birthday parties and smoothed the socially turbulent waters by introducing me to friends who had been indignant on her behalf. Afterward, we giggled at the shocked faces people made when they met me.

I giggle to watch Beka eat the conscious uncoupling shit sandwich. But really, we are a united front against her indignant friends.

When Josh moved out of their house into a duplex, we had family dinners and celebrated holidays together to ease the transition for the girls. While friends and family shook their heads in bafflement, we forged our relationship based on mutual respect, empathy and an overpowering love for those two beautiful children.

The one thing I don’t know, and may never know, is whether our bond is genuine affection on Beka’s part or the result of her sheer will to make this work, to avoid falling prey to bitterness, to refuse to be a victim.

It isn’t my place to ask such a thing, and ultimately it doesn’t matter.

Does Beka REALLY like me? Or is she sucking it up for her children? It doesn’t matter. What matters is ME. It isn’t my place to consider whether or not Beka has feelings. Or the girls.

I am in awe of the grace and maturity she has displayed throughout what I suspect is the most traumatic event of her life.

I AM SO IMPORTANT! #mosttraumaticeventEVAH

I don’t have any grace or maturity. Maybe I can steal some from Beka.

She even liked this essay, telling me after reading it: “I’m so glad you get it. I wish more divorces ended up like this. It’s better for the kids and the parents.”

“I wish more divorces ended up like this — the OW gets a cheating drunk, and I get a new life with my girls,” said Beka. But I didn’t really catch it as she wasn’t talking about ME.

I have silently mourned with her, though I suspect she wouldn’t appreciate that. She never breathes a word of anger or resentment to her children, and they have never reproached their father or me for the immeasurable disruption we have caused to their lives. She and Josh and I have done everything we can to shield them from the anger and damage so common in divorce.

Every now and again when I have thanked Beka for an invitation to a family event or gone out to get medicine for a sick child in the middle of the night, she has texted me words of gratitude that I treasured even while feeling I didn’t deserve them.

“The girls adore you,” she wrote. “And you truly treat them like they’re your own. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”

She might have written “abhor” instead of adore. Anyway, what matters is that I WON. Beka has thrown herself on the live grenades of anger, damage, and disruption for the children, and I’m free to share my values with Josh!

Speaking of Josh, where is he?

And I can’t tell her how much this family we all have forged means to me.

While we were all getting Girl’s Day Out mani-pedis celebrating our New-Forged Family, Josh went to the Bar.

He’s not answering his texts.

#truelove

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  • Hoo, boy! I just got to the offhand mention that she had Bipolar 2, and the wonderful old sage Frank Pittman came to mind:

    “Romantic Infidelity
    Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don’t screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can’t continue living your life, and aren’t quite ready for suicide yet.

    An affair with someone grossly inappropriate—someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own—is so crazily stimulating that it’s like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner.

    Ideal romance partners are damsels or “dumsels” in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

    Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape” …

    • Thank you Patsy for this and for the stupid ass letter from Modern Love. Today is my divorce court date. Almost 8 months since dday. Through these months, CL has kept me real. Each morning I start my day reading the latest treatise on why I need to carry on getting free from fucktard. This has been one of the hardest things I have done. Letters like Modern Love make me want to puke. Bravo Beka for dumping that jerk. Sounds like Beka really managed that process and got what she wanted which hopefully is a sane childhood for her children and keeping tabs on ms bipolar. Guessing asshole will move on soon and she will have to introduce the girls to a new friend of daddy’s that he met in the bar. Well fellow CL I am claiming success today for following through even though I never wanted this to be the outcome of my 30 yr marriage. Thanking God my boys are grown and living independent lives. Would hate to ah e this happen at 3 and 7. These cheating bastards that do this when the children are small are the worst of the cheaters. What a horrible thing to do at any time but especially then. Be well my friends and carry on. Hopefully my need for you all will lessen. Thank you for being here! I made a contribution and encourage all of you to do so. This is an important blog and home for healing broken hearts from adulteryz. H.U.G.S😘.

      • Thrive – I hope all went well in divorce court. Keep checking in here with CL and CN from time to time – I still do for my daily dose of snark 😜 Except, I don’t get to read it in the morning – I’m in the land Down Under, and when the blog gets a new post, it’s 7 p.m. here. It’s my nightly reading material!

        • Thank you!! So are you mocham. 😎🦋❤️ You know the butterfly when it emerges from its cocoon is its most vulnerable because it’s wings are a little wet. It is also the time it experiences its greatest freedom. I am that emerging butterfly today. 🦋🦋🦋🦋 freedom for all of us from the tyranny of infidelity!!

      • Praying for you & your kids!!

        Chump Lady has been a blessing for me as well. I hate to imagine where I’d be today if I had not stumbled across Chumplady & all the amazing & mighty people like you!

        • thank you all. court was 10 minutes which included swearing i was telling the truth and that i am not pregnant (haha im 66). judgebsigned the docs and i filed with the clerk. done and done. feels strange. nothing from or to x. hugs!

    • Very nice, clear, and a reminder that I’m not missing anything while I’m over here,

      far away

      from over there!

    • Love this! I hope I am still alive to see it happen to my EX and OW (former “friend”)!
      Yes, I know not very Meh…

    • Frank Pittman nailed it. This is exactly what my ex and his new wifey’s situation. Can’t wait until she realizes she married her daddy and will have to take care of two old men. By that time I will be living 700 miles away smiling into my margarita.

    • But how long before it dies out? After they screw us over financially trying to divorce them…after remarriage…after adding more children to the mix.

      The line of destruction is long. For chumps, for kids, for relatives and friends. Just sucks.

    • This is exactly what my wife is doing. I even showed this to her but it didn’t have any effect. She is full on midlife crisis, running from her life and blaming me for every adult decision she has ever made. It makes me sad, to understand her more than herself, to be unable to help, to be scapegoated knowing when she realizes what she has done she will be destroyed by the fact she ruined a great life for nothing. I’m trying to move on, nothing left now. Dday 1-yr anniversary is Nov. 28-30.

      • B and C, don’t worry about her being destroyed by having realized she ruined a grat life for nothing. If she’s true to cheater narc form, she’ll find a way to shift the blame to factors outside herself. Mostly you. And any moments of insight she experiences will pass quickly, leaving no mark. You or I would be dévastéd to realize what we’d done, but the narcs are SO shallow, and so skilled at evading reality.

        You know how I know this, eh?

        • Betrayedandconfused, I also agree with KarenE and Struggling, Cheaters don’t think like us (Chumps) or anyone with a conscious. If we betrayed our spouse, destroying our family and shattering the lives of our children we would be consumed with guilt and remorse.
          Cheaters don’t have a problem with rewriting history placing blame on the Chump and playing the victim.

          Most of us during the early DDay’s, spackled, blamed mid-life crisis, brain tumor, their jobs praying there was something wrong with them that could be fixed, anything other than the facing the harsh reality of what it was.
          Like most of us here at CN, you were married to an imposter.

          People that love you aren’t going to risk losing you by cheating.

          I recommend you read Tracy’s book “Lose a Cheater, Gain a Life,”

      • BetrayedandConfused, I have to agree with KarenE here. Your ex, and mine, all of our ex’s, they are never going to get it. No Great Moment of Understanding What They’ve Lost is coming. They’re just Not That Deep. They might have fleeting moments of regret, but it’s like the thief who isn’t the least bit sorry he stole but is terribly sorry he’s going to jail. They might feel sorry for themselves, but they won’t connect their own behavior to what caused their pain, and they sure as shit will never truly care about the pain they caused others. Have you read Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life yet? If not I strongly recommend it, and highlight stuff. Very helpful. There’s a lot in there on this particular subject. The most important takeaway is this: Stop feeling sorry for them. Stop thinking about them at all. They don’t deserve it and they’re not worth it

      • She is full on midlife crisis, running from her life and blaming me for every adult decision she has ever made.

        So sorry, Betrayed & Confused. She sounds like a real piece of work. Blaming you for her failures is her coward’s way out. It’s easier to make him the white knight and you the villain. Don’t let her win. You were faithful, and that is something she will never be.

        I know that the one-year anniversary can bring up a lot of the pain in agonizing hour-by-hour recall. Be kind to yourself, man. You got this.

    • This is exactly spot on, wow. It hits my STBXW’s situation perfectly. Funny how a person with a doctorate in psychology can’t understand this.

      • A lot of people who are mentally unhealthy/unstable study psychology as a way to try to figure themselves out and just end up with a whole new level of justifications for their behaviour.

    • CL brings the incisive, apt snark; this article drops the hammer of reality on people wedded to magical thinking. Dang and a half. Bunnies will be boiled.

    • Add me to this list–STBX is willing to throw away a long life together because he could not communicate to me. He chose a “fantasy” AP who represents an escape from reality and adulthood. #goodluckwiththat

    • PATSY!Love this! Crystal clear and very simple, trying to escape your own problems by assuming another’s perceived worse problems – how does that work out for you two, three, four or more years down the road?

  • This basically describes the way my parents divorce, thanks to my father’s many infidelities. This is all lovely until one of those children is cheated on by their husband. This is the one of the hardest parts of my story. Either that or I’m just not quite as humble and forgiving as my mother was.

    • No, it’s not you. Our moms did teach us that cheater love was Love. They told us they were enough, that we should learn to accept what they could gave as enough. In my case, I was told my dad loved me so much. I could not see any actual sign, but she insisted he loved me. I was once in the hospital for a couple of weeks and he never called me. She called him and told him how I was. And yet, he loves me. Even if the barely-adult-me did the best I could to make sure Cheater -then boyfriend- was not like my dad, looking for the famous ‘reciprocity’, my dad’s was the “love” I knew. And that is the shit I got.

      Even today my mom insists that all men are like my dad: perhaps there is a small minority that won’t cheat, but the emotional distance is all I can ever get. There is nothing better. And considering Cheater would easily ‘pass’ all tests like Tracy’s famous tea test, I can’t trust she is not right. And even if she is not right, thinking now about all the male chumps I’ve met here, I can’t trust I will ever be able to recognize real love. I’ve never been exposed to it.

      It’s not you, pregnant chump. We were raised for this.

      • Yes!^^^ Maybe, just maybe if we stopped telling children that people who clearly DO NOT really love and care about them actually do “love them so much,” we could break the cycle. We teach kids to not trust all the empirical evidence right in front of their face. We teach them that their own instincts are completely inaccurate, and we teach them that it is okay for one person in a relationship to be entitled and abusive and one person to be a doormat and abused. And then we blame the abused by saying “They should have known,; they must have known!” People “know” what they learn. When society teaches them that this kind of shit is “normal” they recreate it.

        • Johobee- you are spot on. It is confusing to be told that someone loves you and to be ignored or abused by that person. It is more helpful to model love and caring and help a child learn what to expect from people. This is the only way we can clearly recognize those that will help and those who will harm us. And that is the most important lesson for a child-especially these days with pedifiles coming out from underneath their rocks onto the internet

        • Not me. I tell my kids to pay attention to actions, not words. I might say that their dad loves them as much as he is capable and to set their expectations appropriately, but when he spouts love in text messages and then does something that puts his girlfriend, interests, or social life before his kids or skips out without a word on parenting time, that is not love.

          My older kids are teenagers. I spent years sugar coating and hiding the crap he did while we were together. I won’t do that anymore.

          • If there is any positive that I get out of divorcing my STBX it is that I now have the opportunity to teach my daughter what real love and a real relationship is supposed to be about. Even if I never find it for myself, I will work as hard as I can to teach her that her feelings and concerns matter. I will teach her to pay attention to actions, not words.

            Since he has left both she and I are in therapy. We talk about our feelings. I have to let her know that ALL feelings are okay to have because her dad refuses to acknowledge anyone’s feelings (even his own). It’s my goal to make her emotionally intelligent. If I can do that, I can be certain that she will not make the same mistakes I have.

          • I couldn’t agree with you more. My child’s father hasn’t seen her in 3 months. He’s an IT guy…he could Skype or facetime her. When we left the state, he went on vacation with his mistress 3 weeks after we left…instead of getting on a plane to see his only child. He tells her over the phone how he wishes he could hug her. I tell her DO NOT LISTEN TO HIS WORDS, LOOK AT HIS ACTIONS. He mailed her Christmas presents and the card read how he wished he could be there to see her open them….asshole slept through her opening her presents the last few years. Now he wishes he could see her opening them? Bullshit. I don’t believe one single word that comes out of his mouth. Actions.

            • I hate when they do this. My youngest was in the emergency room and I sent a text to STBX to let him know. He sent a text saying how much he wished he could give her a hug and kiss.

              Give me a break. He was about a 20 minute drive away but it was a Wednesday evening which means that he was probably in the middle of a gin game and at least 6 beers in.

              If it was really important to him, he would have been there immediately no matter what the situation was between us.

              Just words that mean nothing but make the cheater feel better about themselves.

              • I have made a vow…unless my child is dying in the hospital, this asshole won’t know a damn thing. Physically, I live my life as though he never existed. Tomorrow is his birthday and I know he will be pissed that I did not reach out to him just like he was pissed at me for leaving the state without saying goodbye to him. Can you imagine that? He cheated for a year and a half, blamed me for EVERYTHING and then had the nerve to be pissed that I didn’t goodbye! These cheaters really are delusional.

              • I’ve got this t-shirt too. I rang the idiot ex saying that our son was really sick and in the Emergency Department and was going to be admitted. He said he was away working and couldn’t come and see him. I did the dutiful thing and rang him and text him every day for the next few days to let him know what was happening. I then get a phone call from another friend. I said my son is in hospital but the idiot can’t come because he is away working. He said no he’s not, I just saw him and he’s at home with the OW. 5 minutes away…

          • Agree. My sons had a lifetime of watching their father treat me – their mother – like a household appliance, all while I sugarcoated his selfishness and abuse and pretenede it was “normal.”

            But since our divorce – nasty because I finally found my voice and questioned the great Oz – , I have embraced my agency.

            Now when my sons do something selfish or say something inappropriate, I’m on them like white on rice, telling them WHY they can’t treat other people like that. It may be too late, but when they apologize, I remind them that talk is cheap; it’s their future ACTIONS that will tell me they learned from their mistake.

              • I get it too “Questioning the Great Oz”

                I regret making excuses and sugarcoating X’s behavior in front of our son.
                Chutesandladders hopefully your sons realize “Oz” is not as wise as he portrays himself to be.

        • Toronto, if you look in the archives, there is an article about how not to be a chump again. It says look for reciprocity, and it tells the story of a time Tracy was cold, and how Mr. Chump Lady ordered an expensive tea to their room for her. Good people will do things for you, the article says, cheaters don’t. The cheater I am divorcing did all of that and more for me. He didn’t love me all the same.

          • So true. My Ex cheater perv found it insulting to have to go out of his way for me or the kids. Narcissists want things done for them. But, they don’t like going out of their way ….unless there are kibbles or illicit sex involved.

          • My ex husband made me homemade chicken soup when I was sick, and treated my mentally-handicapped uncle with patience and kindness, so I have to forgive myself for thinking he was for real. He was emotionally supportive to me and saw only the best in others. He is a public defender who helps the less fortunate and fights for justice. He also lied, cheated, and ultimately left me to explore the wonders of S&M with strangers. During our marriage, though, he let me do all the heavy lifting when it came to earning income, doing the finances, planning vacations, and raising babies. The first four years of our marriage he spent the majority of his time at home playing video games and ignoring my nagging requests for him to take on more responsibility. When I cried from frustration, feeling overwhelmed and alone, he was empathetic and told me how much he appreciated me and all I did for our family. He started helping out more, just enough to keep me quiet, but still I was putting in 80% of the time, money, and effort into our family. When I grew older and more exhausted from all of that, he cheated and when I caught him, he blamed me for his cheating because I had neglected him. He said he thought I didn’t love him any more because I “never” had sex with him and he had “never” been satisfied. He said he needed sex 5 times a week for 3 hours at time (which his affair had apparently allowed him). He also said he thought he must be polyamorous because he didn’t feel jealousy like other people, and it was unfortunate that I wasn’t more like him. My kids were 3 and 7 at the time and I wanted to believe he loved me, so I took him back. We compromised on having sex 3 times a week for 2 hours at a time. I was still working my ass off to bring in 80% of the income, so something had to give. The kids were put in front of the TV and locked out of our bedroom, but the pick-me-dance appeared to have worked. We were back on track, more committed than ever! Then over time he became more and more addicted to tennis. By the time he left, he was playing tennis four times a week 4 hours at a time. I was confused. Was I supposed to work a very intense job all day, take care of the kids while he played tennis from 6pm -10pm, and then have long love-making sessions when he returned? I told myself to be grateful because he wasn’t cheating and it wasn’t video games. But me and the kids were becoming increasingly frustrated. Then he took 2 weeks off work to go to Burning Man. I declined his offer to join him. Before leaving on his trip, he told me how much he loved me and how grateful he was I gave him another chance, and that he didn’t want to be with any other woman than me. It had literally been 3 years since he had cheated and I so thoroughly believed in our reconciliation, I hadn’t even considered the thought he would do it again at Burning Man. To this day he will argue that it was not cheating, it was only anal and genital stimulation. Yes, he said that. It is seared into my brain. He said he held back from full intercourse with several people because he wanted to have credibility when he asked me for an open marriage so he could explore kink. I said no and divorced his ass. It’s been a year and I still feel so DUMB for picking him to be the father of my children! So angry for letting myself be used for so long! Will I ever forgive myself or trust again?

        • I think the spam filter ate my comment with the url. The title of the article is Un-Chumping Post-Infidelity, A Primer

      • Bravo Gato
        Yes, we were raised for this. Keeping my family of origin at arms length has hastened the healing. Realizing that my mother managed the relationship between me and my siblings and my father really helped me see how little he was invested in us. When I stopped managing my son’s relationship with Narkles the Clown I stopped lying to my son. My son can judge for himself if what his father does is love or not.

        Someday I hope my son can get a good look at what a truly loving relationship looks like. I hope I can model that.

        • The problem is that I am alone. In these past 6 months I’ve lived in 3 cities. I am now in Asia. And since I moved for the Cheater every 4 years, my support network is almost nonexistent. Granted, I have friends who will not let me sleep on the streets, but I can’t cry with them. So I can’t kick my foo out of my life. Actually, I asked them to come to the other side of the world to be with me for Christmas. It’s not only the holidays, but my birthday and Cheater’s. I don’t think I can survive those days alone, and my foo are the only ‘support’ I have, even if they are not supporting me at all.

      • I’m not arguing at all, but I WAS raised around the real deal, and it didn’t stop me from being chumped one bit. My parents still love each other and always have. My mother was incapable of teaching me about the evils of cheating jerks because she met my dad when she was 14, married him at 16 (cough cough), and 3 kids, 65 years later, never knew anything but a supportive, present, adoring husband. The example set before me my whole life was exemplary. He is a great husband. He’s a wonderful father.
        I still dated and eventually married nothing but cheating assholes. Every guy I ever dated cheated on me. Every.Single. One.

        So oh yeah, I believe real love is possible. That I can find it for myself is another thing entirely.

        I sometimes think my X saw how much I loved my dad and mirrored him as much as possible on purpose. He did share some qualities, but in the long run they weren’t the qualities that mattered. They were surface things.
        Grrrrr.

        • I am not arguing there is one way to be chumped, CarryOnMyWaywardNerdGirl. Or that there is a way to avoid them. Precisely because of this you said: “I sometimes think my X saw how much I loved my dad and mirrored him as much as possible on purpose.” Cheater was not the same type of disordered as many others here. He knew, because we met right in the middle of my dad’s cheating, that I wasn’t going to accept the same shit. I must have told him so over the years we were friends. For whatever reason, he decided I would be his host, and he played the character of the man I would love. He got the advantage of me not knowing real love (because my family is fucked in all directions, all generations I could see), so all I could see was that he gave me proper gifts, for example, as opposed of my dad who has never given us anything (my mom did). I could not see his lack of real love, his refusal to share himself with me, because I never saw it before.

          We were conned. They chose us for a reason (who knows why, don’t go there) and they did what they could to make sure we wouldn’t leave. What was in our past that allowed them to do it, I’m not sure matters. It matters for me because I thought that after all the destruction, perhaps I was going to get my parents back. I thought that after a lifetime of trying to live with the fact that they don’t like me, they would support me. Instead, they asked me several times to reflect on what I did to make the Cheater cheat on me. My mom told me my love was weak, because otherwise I would have waited for the Cheater and not divorce him. So it’s obvious I will never have a loving relationship with them.

          • Gato,

            I feel bad for you! My parents, too, had asked me what I did to make my husband and my boyfriend lie to and leave me.

          • Gato realizing how little my family cared about my feelings was one of the hardest things in my life but I have learned to accept their limitations and what they call reparent myself. If you can do this you will feel strong and resilient no matter the circumstance because part of reparenting is giving yourself compassion and acceptance. Loneliness will pass ~ I am in Asia as well and it can sometimes feel very lonely even though their are wonderful people everywhere. They just are not able to understand your situation. Enjoy the moments of connection when you can and give yourself the love you need when no one else can.
            Best to you

        • Carryonmyway- couldn’t agree more. I too was raised in a loving home and family with a very dedicated father who loved my mother very much. As a result of this I got very confused when my past partners were the total opposite.

    • I think this pathetic excuse for a man has been a stone around Beka’s neck for years. These two losers deserve each other, but the children, that’s another story. Hope the divorce decree includes a provision that X be required to pay for the children’s therapy. With those two in their lives, setting horrendous examples, they are going to need it.

      • I think they need an addendum that nobody can post crap about these kids on the internet except the kids. My heart goes out to those kids whose lives have just been discussed entirely inappropriately in the public sphere. It isn’t that it’s never ok to discuss kids, but to talk about their feelings (accurately or otherwise) about something so painful and intimate and awkward really feels questionable to me.

        • I guess I should clarify… I am talking about articles that can go viral – huffpo stories and such. There’s a time and place, is all I’m trying to say.

  • The New York Times needs a new editor! This is the crap they publish in the Grocery Store Tabloids. I think this story is entirely fictitious, if it’s true, these people are all demented including Beka who needs to get a backbone. I’m surprise Josh and OW didn’t ask Beka to be the Maid of Honour at their pending wedding. What a load of tripe!

    • Uh Oh,
      Pretty soon we will have a whole wedding party, ( matching outfits for all), because Beka and Bitch can’t reach Josh who is at the bar and we all know what Josh does at bars.

      CL this must be Friday, not Monday!

      My heart goes out to the children, all the children of these fuckwits!

      (((((PregnantChumpandGato))))))

      (I have to say Beka has me puzzled, really puzzled)?????completely weird! Sad!

      • Maybe she was just really really glad to get the drunken fuckwit off her hands. Either that or she wants to make him really uncomfortable. I can’t imagine that he feels good about the girl’s relationship. It makes him kind of irrelevant. “Are they conspiring behind my back? I need a drink”

      • The book I am reading on verbal abuse refers to a reality I and reality II but I can not even begin to put anything in this into any kind of reality. It has to be fiction or science fiction because Becca had to have been abducted by aliens!

        I think I will be having nightmares tonight!

        • I agree. It’s BS and I can smell bs a mile away nowadays.

          You can’t expect me to believe that one day she was all upset and hurt about him wanting a divorce and then immediately wanted to be nicey huggy with this monster…and the kids too? If this is what the NYT prints, I’m glad I unsubscribed. Their crosswords were too easy anyway 😉

          • The article sounds fake, but I can’t rule out the possibility that it is ‘true.’ Traumatized people, especially if they are co-dependent, might act righteously angry upon the discovery of the betrayal and then try to behave civilly or even more generous and friendly after they (1) discover that the only way that they chumps can stay in their ex’s life, which they want because they still love their cruel ex and would rather maintain some contact than no contact ever again, is by sacrificing themselves like Beca or (2) start thinking that behaving in a martyr-like fashion might help the kids. Ask me how I know.

          • What has happened to the New York Times? They’ve really lost all sense of decency. Google “His Eye Makeup Is Way Better Than Yours” – basically child pornography. SMH.

    • An OW who LIES?! Nevah. She has clearly just demonstrated how true to herself she is… because while she never thought she’d be the kind of woman who’d sleep with an off-limits, married man, she wasn’t disgusted that he professed love to a stranger in a bar on his anniversary of marriage and his wife’s Mother’s Day, gave him her number, met up with him to discuss how bad and terrible (wink wink) it would be if they had sex, and jumped onto his sad, hard dick to snuggle his sadz away. She did all of those awful things because SHE IS SO TRUE. So EXTRA in the true-to-oneself[ishness]. That she was ABLE to do it at all shows that this was always Meant To Be…

      • I think these people are mentally disordered and dillusional. They come up with a justification to make what they have and are doing all right. Then they put it on repeat in their heads and out their mouths to whoever might listen (or read in this case) until it becomes their reality. Then they are being “truthful” because in their minds, they are.

    • I sincerely hope it is fiction. Otherwise, what is that stupid woman teaching her daughters about how a partner should treat them? Is your partner feeling unhappy and underappreciated and decides he deserves to get some strange? Well girls, nothing you can do but rush to the kitchen and put together the biggest shit sandwich ever seen and gobble it all down in front of the gloating OW.

      • My ex was a raging alcoholic, so I knew I’d be coparenting w/the girlfriend, not him. She had a mental illness. Maybe she thought I genuinely liked her and wanted to be friends, because I told her about kid events (so she could go, and be a designated driver). I WAS grateful that he wasn’t my problem anymore -and that there was someone else in his household who cared about my kids, and wasn’t shitfaced.

        For all her faults, she was probably the best he could get, she liked my kids, and she made the home safer. So I was friendly with her.

        Manipedis though? No. Fucking. Way.

        • Same. I’m grateful for the OW for her logistical use and nutritional influence; she makes them healthier lunches than my ex.

          Even still, she’s a loser. She slept with a married dude with 3 little kids, who barely pulled a paycheck and drove a minivan. with car seats in it. for 6 years. Probably hooked up in her own marital bed (her husband is a fire fighter) or a cheap motel.

          3 years out and more wise, I’ve noticed a trend with OWs and that is they tend to be the unstable sort which makes for great side-fuck material. In my own little world, I’ve yet to meet or hear of an OW who was higher caliber than the wife.

          Take comfort. As CL says, trust they suck.

          As for me, after the kids are grown and they don’t need school lunches made and a taxi driver to pick them up from school and events, why would I ever associate with the OW? What would she offer me other than an icky feeling?

        • Guest – wow. You just totally put this in perspective.
          Thank you.
          I didn’t believe it at first but this makes sense.

    • Yes, it could be fiction. Or serious embellishment. The OW wants to show how what she did isn’t really bad. But this goes beyond the usual “beyond our control” or “meant to be” horseshit into an entirely different realm where even those who are the collateral damage agree how marvelous the cheating and destruction of family turned out to be.

      I can’t see that as reality myself.

    • lyndaloo my Mum did just that, she gave the OW away when my dad married her. My uncle also gave my aunt away when she married her 2nd husband. He wasn’t the OM in their marriage though, but they did continue to live together and go on holiday together after there separation.

  • I burst in to tears at “I’m terrified to lose my family,” Rose whispered. “If you’re the new adult here, I have to go along with it. I’m 7.”

    God help our children.

  • The poor kids who now will grow up thinking this is ok. That when the man you love treats you like garbage you should suck it up “for the children” No no boundaries needed we will all just be friends. Never mind the obvious fact that the 7 year old is taught that her feelings don’t matter at all…

    • Exactly. It might make things easier for the kids while they are little. But what about when they grow up and start having relationships of their own? There should be some set of moral code that should be taught and modeled for these girls and that there are boundaries between right and wrong.

      • GetMeFree – Moral code? Totally. This is WHY we have kids, isn’t it? To teach them better than we were taught, to help them make better decisions, to be involved in their lives…and, when you CHEAT – all your shit goes out the window and the kid is permanently lost. Please – do NOT have kids if you think your partner is bad material. I guess I always suspected mine was not a great candidate father after 35 yrs and now, glad I’m not tied to him in any way as we never reproduced. I feel really really sick for the kids that suffer through this.

  • Chumplady you nailed it as always. “our shared values of putting ourselves first” YES. And doesn’t it logically follow that two people who are putting their SELVES first aren’t putting EACH OTHER first? How long before one screws over the other one?

    Anyway… Chumplady/Chumpnation: Thoughts on the Chump here? I can’t wrap my mind around how fucked up this is….

    • Thoughts on the Chump – I just see her as one those “New Age” kinda of woman, that accepts this “for the sake of the children” and totally burying her feelings deep deep down – so that her image still looks good in that small town where everyone knows her. If she’s accepting of the relationship, then she doesn’t look like the fool. (She isn’t of course).

      No normal Chump is friends with the OW, and definitely not from the get go, as in this case! No effin way!!

      • I hate this crap that is being peddled all over the mommy blogs. Be friends with your ex for the children. Eff that! I am not posing for photos together with him. I am not attending holidays with him for the sake of my child. What kind of message does that send?! It’s just continuing the toxic relationship in a new abusive way.

    • I am thinking Beka is killing him with kindness. Shrewd move if you can pull it off while in the throes of that kind of emotional pain. I’m guessing that by playing nice – the complete opposite of what you would expect in these cases – she has maneuvered herself into the driver’s seat and is now controlling the narrative. By “befriending” the OW, she’s effectively disarmed her and the ex and can keep them off-balance while she quietly claws back her children, the assets, and sets them up for the Karma, Bitch! shit-show that will be playing soon.

      Beka’s playing the long game.

      • Agree. No way I could pull this off even for one minute, but I think she’s doing the “keep your enemies even closer” ballet. She has nerves of steel. That’s the kind of lawyer you’d want on your team, too.

  • I don’t get this. Sure, I understand every human is different, and we all react differently to things – but this is just odd. I’d rather hear this story from Beka’s perspective. One of the things that just doesn’t ring entirely true about it is that it’s from the AP. She is invested in making it all appear a-ok.

    • Crazy Train – ‘She is invested in making it all appear a-ok.”

      Exactly! This is the serpent’s story.
      I want to hear the wife’s side.
      I don’t care about the drunk stbx – loser.

      If this low-life was paid for this story at the cost of these little kids’ lives, the mother of their children humiliated…..the ‘father’ being a drunk… Hail Beka if this story is remotely true !! Damn.

  • Presuming this story is entirely true, I still think there’s a debate to be had about ‘what’s best for the kids’.

    Everyone getting on and no conflict is all well and good – but it’s not real life. What example are they setting to the children, about how you should behave when people treat you badly? That they should just put a smile on and suck it up? How is that healthy?

    No, I have to disagree with the AP and with Beka – just my opinion, but I think this is potentially creating future issues and dysfunction for the children.

    Also – great spot CL – just where IS Josh?!

    • Yeah, I kinda found the bad part of myself hoping Beka was laughing through that mani pedi because she knew exactly where Josh was and what he was doing. Then I remembered the kids and got mad at myself for thinking it.

    • I agree. ronald Reagan used to speak of “peace through strength” which was different from the kuhmbayah peace that many others smugly espoused. I think it would’ve been kinder to those two little girls if Beka had maintained some peace for her daughters while at the same time creating strong boundaries and modelling an appropriate sense of disgust. But, if Beka did that, she couldnt feel all morally superior to us Regular, Unevolved Chumps. (However, I’m loathe to put any blame on Beka, who is just doing what our “consciously uncoupling”society tells her is appropriate behaviour for upper middle class white professionals.)

  • Congratulations for role modeling dysfunction for your daughters.

    So should (when rather) the day comes when they are psychologically and emotionally abused by men in intimate relationships, you better have a good freaking answer as to why you willingly put your girls at risk.

    All three suck.

  • Thank you, Chump Lady for this UBT. I was heartened over the weekend reading the majority of comments condemning this vapid narcissistic gloat-fest of an essay. I felt sorry for Beka even though it’s understandable for her to attempt to manage the situation she had no choice over, and to try to minimize the damage to her daughters. Most of the commenters on NYT got that, but steel yourselves before reading as there are some blame-shifting comments blaming Beka for her loser husband’s affair with the barstool PhD tramp, and there are several comments calling anyone criticizing the article “bitter bile filled vitriolic haters” etc.

    Personally I think it was insane to introduce a 7 and 11 year old to the OW so soon after the family was shattered. When you step back and consider the timeline, it’s been less than a year since the fateful Mother’s Day and the author didn’t tell us exactly how long their affair took place before Josh told Beka he wanted a divorce and conveniently waited an additional MONTH to tell her it was because he was cheating!

    The author is a delusional typical OW falling for the cheater’s lines, PhD notwithstanding. He is simply miserable but doesn’t say why? He likes OW “just because he likes her?” How about just because she spread her legs for him and was available. And thank you CL for the takedown of the ridiculous trope that he only married his wife because all their friends were getting married, they were both in the same profession, and they were young and foolish. By the way they married in their 20s and are only in their mid 30s now by all indications.

    • PhD do not necessarily improve cognitive function overall. They offer deep knowledge of a very specialized kind. And education DOES NOT make people Better or more Moral. Lots of academic cheaters. Lots. They are very good at “delusional.” They have an extensive vocabulary from which to compose their word salad and long pompous pontifications with which to justify their appalling behavior. One clue in this article is her describing the place as “bohemian.” That’s how many academics LOVE to think of themselves as “Romantic bohemian” types that don’t have to play by societies’ rules. Pompous twaddle to justify amorality. Do you know what you get when you take a nasty bar slut and educate her, have her write a dissertation, and send her down the aisle with a mortar board and tassel? DR. Nasty Bar Slut. That’s all.

      • “They have an extensive vocabulary from which to compose their word salad and long pompous pontifications with which to justify their appalling behavior.”

        Yup – married one of those! The PhD that I married is the most heinous malignant narcissist with the prettiest public verbiage I’ve ever heard – and the Parental Coordinator just ate his “word salads” up. She actually told me that the “main problem” in this “high conflict” divorce is that I’m “angry.” Wtf? Dr. Disordered stole over $100k from me before we separated, lied to the Court to keep most of our personal property, lied about his extra income to reduce his child support, has refused to pay the 80% of the children’s medical expenses he is court-ordered to pay, violates the custody order constantly, and filed fraudulent tax returns with my name on them without telling me so he could keep all the refund – I could keep going. Of course this is all after his affairs that got us here in the first place which (according to him) weren’t really affairs and were all my fault anyway. I still have pending contempt actions in court against him – the most recent was filed just two weeks ago. And the “main problem” is that I’m angry? Talk about dealing with a symptom and not the cause – that’s like taking Tylenol for a headache but not actually removing the brain tumor causing it. Therapists should never be made hired Officers of the Court – ever.

        Not much longer to file for absolute divorce… next week will be one year since we separated and I am so looking forward to cutting the rest of that brain tumor out.

        • SevenOfCups, I am sorry that we married evil twins! I hope that your divorce takes less time than mine did–three nightmarish years that destroyed my family in many ways.

      • One can hold a PhD from Harvard and have the emotional maturity of a five year old-I’ve seen it up close

    • Actually, if I read that right, they were only having an affair for one month before Josh told Beka he wanted a divorce. They met on Mother’s Day, in May, then supposedly 2 months passed, so July, before they got together, and he told his wife in August he wanted a divorce. These people are as deep as mud puddles.

  • Since Josh is averse to basic calculations, allow me …

    Mother’s Day – (“wonderful, successful, beautiful woman” + [“adorable children” * 2]) + ([“recent messy divorce”/bipolar disorder] * “spectacularly bad decisions”) + (“shared values” – empathy – character) + alcohol = (fuckwits * 2) + 1 new member of Chump Nation

    And while we’re at it …

    Beka > (Josh + Elizabeth) * infinity

  • See, this pisses me off. My ex husband and his mistress wife will read that crap, shake their heads at my lack if ability to be magnanimous, and wonder how they can get me to cooperate with their plan to steal my children and all the rest of my life.

    Too bad for them, I’m not cooperating.

      • Pieces like this is never written from the point of view of the wife, because that would be so un-fun. Even if the wife eventually gets to the same point, no one wants to read how painful her journey was to get to that point, because again, un-fun and there is no way her story would not reveal how horrible the cheater and the homewrecker are. Just the fluff is needed to keep the fantasy going.

  • Omg…..I’m crying.
    My boyfriends mother( now in her 70’s) gets a visit from her ex and his mistress every Sunday.
    My boyfriends mother has chronic pain issues and is not very ambulatory and they come over and sit and chat and do shit in the house for her.
    I asked her about it once and she said that she got tired of the kids splitting time and holidays and it was just easier to be her friend. The ex and his AP have been together like 20 years now.
    I asked her how she could have this kind of relationship with someone who violated her trust in such a devestating way and she said that she had to just forgive and make peace for her kids.
    Whenever we gather for a holiday I struggle with being kind to her or him.
    In our conversations I’ve stated that I will NEVER be having Thanksgiving with my ex or his mistress. I have moved on and I’m happy but that does not cancel out what he did to me and our family and hes not anybody that I will ever allow in my orbit ever again. My ex tries to play the “it was for the best….I’m a good person now. I freed paintwidow by leaving. Youre welcome.” card all the time. Just because you’ve managed to stay with her for a couple years and are raising her kids and going to church on Sundays doesn’t mean you didn’t level me. I don’t care if you two vaccinate orphans on the weekends, you were awful to me and our family. I don’t care who you are now….game over.I don’t want to even know you anymore, much less bbq with you.
    My kids are adults and are NC with the ex and her, but even if they weren’t and they had to split the day on a holiday I would put on my comfy clothes, walk my dogs, and eat a turkey sandwich on my couch alone and happy before I would sacrifice one moment of the holiday in their company.
    I seriously don’t get people that try to friend the ex and the AP.
    Just WTF???

    • Agree, Agree Agree!!! Yeap, he might be a great person now, a good partner to OW, and a good father figure for her son. But They were both horrible and continue to be horrible to me and my son, because he does not support their Tuuuuu Luv . Nope, I ain’t doin it!! LOL

      • Ditto. Fuck him and his I am trying to be a better person. He says he fucked up and he is sorry. There is just nothing I can say to that. The damage is done. Absent going back in a time machine and making different choices that didn’t include going nuclear in your family, there is nothing left to work with. Done!

      • Mighty Again,
        ^^^SAME^^^^
        My ex has actually called me in an attempt to not be friends but “cordial” to grease the wheels of reconciliation with the kids.
        He runs down the list of how he’s awesome.
        “Paintwidow, you know this was for the best. I’m sorry I hurt you but now I’m a great dad to her kids, great spouse to her, go to church on Sunday’s, serve food to the homeless….” then goes into the hookers resume. Thanks, no thanks. Doesn’t mean you weren’t a cheating lying asshole to us.

    • Paint Widow,

      Thank you for writing the statement, ‘My ex tries to play the “it was for the best….I’m a good person now. I freed paintwidow by leaving. Youre welcome.” card all the time. Just because you’ve managed to stay with her for a couple years and are raising her kids and going to church on Sundays doesn’t mean you didn’t level me. I don’t care if you two vaccinate orphans on the weekends, you were awful to me and our family. I don’t care who you are now.’ Exactly how I feel about my ex-boyfriend who told me virtually the same thing your ex-husband did. What condescending, selfish A–clowns these liars are! Making their abominable acts sound like humanitarian acts that deserve a Nobel Peace Prize!

  • I hope that The New Yorker will print an essay in a few years by Beka after this “Twu Luv” story ends. Until then, I will just chalk up their acceptance of this crap essay as a slow month….
    The reason why I am honest with my little one is so they don’t repeat this cycle! I don’t get why people suck it up “for the kids”! I personally think they don’t want people to know how hurt they are…and maybe that they feel ashamed so they chose “being the bigger person”. Does anyone out there understand this because I sure as hell don’t.

  • Winner…..?

    Josh the married barfly meets his “fillet of sole-mate” a bipolar age appropriate mistress barfly.
    Who said fairy tales don’t come true….what a love story!!!

    I get the feeling Beka the Betrayed has orchestrated the best revenge, making sure those two idiots end up together.

    • Yeah, I was thinking the same thing: Beka was happy to unload her crappy drunken husband, and grateful that some skank would take him off her hands. “Please, come over for dinner so I can pretend to be nice and show that I won’t stand in your way!” I wish I had had the same foresight instead of attempting wreckconciliation (not the dinner part, just the unloading of the asshole husband when I had the chance).

      • I can only pray that Beka was playing nice to get a good settlement. She’s an atty herself but taking most of their shit on her way out wouldn’t be the worst thing.
        If we found out that Beka went for mani pedi’s and then got divorced ( and a shit ton of stuff) then invited her drunk ex and his hooker to an early bird dinner to go all thermo nuclear on them about what assholes they are and how from that moment on she would be NC and how the mistress should enjoy the studio apartment they will have to live in…..now that would be an article I could read.

  • You know, I wish I had gone for a pedicure with the Skank. Thinking about it, it would have been nice to buy her a glass of champagne then propose a toast “here’s to you SUCKAAAHHHHHH”! Pity I didn’t.

    • I’ve known OWife since elementary school. Therefore, I am often tempted to push her down on the playground and mock her, “nah nah… no give-backs!”

  • My older daughters (I have 7 children, 5 adults and the 7 and 9 year old… 6 daughters, 1 son. Another son passed away in 2007) told me they were stalking Alp-Ho’s Facebook page, which had a meme of how wonderful it was to have step parents getting along with the parents for the sake of the children. I didn’t go looking.

    She’s such a dumb twat.

      • Unflown Kite and Sunflower 36. I did not know about the loss of your daughter and your son.
        Your precious child.
        I am deeply sorry for your very sad loss.
        Wish I could hug you both in person.
        Love,
        Peacekeeper

      • Great big hugs to you both. Losing a child at any age is the hardest thing to deal with. It leaves a permanent hole in your heart and an empty spot in your life that changes it forever. You learn to go on, and even get to a point where there is light, laughter and love again, but your world is forever altered. It takes time to even begin to heal from the loss. I’m here to tell you it will get better, but it is a slow process. It is a good thing to be gentle with yourselves. This is huge.

        And Peacekeeper, thank you for your great big loving heart. You are a gem and much appreciated.

    • Sunflower36,
      Striving to be a peacekeeper, I don’t hate very many people. ( I usually am a person who forgives, but NEVER forgets).
      BUT I do hate dumb twat AlpHo craft maker.
      When people involve and hurt innocent little children my peacekeeper feelings are utterly destroyed! Destroyed by shitfaces like her!
      I am so sorry for your pain.
      Keep on being Mighty. It won’t be long, your precious daughters will see right hrough her bat wings! Phoney b I t c h!!!!

  • WTF did I just read! She must have ulterior motives for doing this! Now I need a drink at 6 in the morning.
    I actually had a mani-pedi with the OW too but that’s because she was my friend and I didn’t know she was f&cking my H behind my back and sitting there texting with him too as we were chatting and enjoying our foot rubs lol…..

        • Family friend betrayal by fucking one’s spouse is just swell!

          It destroys memories of milestone events that the ‘friend’ attended and makes the chump and chump children feel dirty (the kind that can not be washed off).

          • Oh Rebecca you are so right! She went everywhere with me. Everything is tainted now. I had to find another nail salon to go to amongst many other places I can no longer go. But you know i actually found a much better nail salon and they serve free wine while your there! CHEERS Bitch! 🙂

      • [UBeka hand raised here]

        My ‘friend’ was slowly giving us gifts thinking one day that special-meaning-infused-overpriced home décor would be hers. Ummm, no. I missed nothing in destroying completely every single thing she gave ‘us.’ Left it in a pile for Cheater o’Mine to find along with the small pieces of the clothing she was dressing him in.

        Scientific Fact: Expensive things take longer to destroy, but a determined Chump can reduce anything to a pile of rubble and may be the best therapy ever.

        • No eefing way!!! I think mine thought that too! When we remolded my bathroom she was here everyday from sun up till sun down helping me get the work done, she worked her ass off!!! After a few days of that – thats when the red flag went up – “hey even best friends don’t do this much for you” she was a close friend but not my bestie. That skank thought that bathroom would be hers one day LMAO!!!!!

              • Miss Plastic Parts and Cheater o’Mine believed they would get my house, too. “But, you’re leaving anyway. Why can’t I have the house?”

                “Well, because I will happily burn the place to the ground before Miss Plastic Parts ever steps foot in it again.” He should have thought more carefully before she spent an afternoon in my own bed and, of all things, I took that rather personally. How unforgiving of me to insist it be sold.

        • My “best” friend had given me the rocking chair she used to nurse her kids in… I hauled that thing to the dumpster (same one she used, since she was only 3 doors away), and shoved it in there, and made sure the rotten meat and dog shit landed right on the cushions. I hope she saw that in there.

    • While I didn’t have a mani-pedi with the OW, I have SO MANY memories of outings with her, because I was right there with you Betrayedbitch…my “best” friend to my face, all while shoving the knife deeper and deeper into my back behind it.

      The horrible part is when I play back memories of things like: going to the circus, getting Santa pictures, going Black Friday shopping, selling Girl Scout cookies, and the list goes on and on…because EVERY SINGLE ONE of those memories includes them, the kids, and me.

      It sucks thinking back on all those memories that our now tainted with the realization that I was the tag-along friend.

      • It’s just awful isn’t it. Some days I think what she did hurts more that what he did. I try not to think about it but there are always reminders and triggers everywhere! I have tried to face some of them head on and just suck it up but that hasn’t worked yet. Hopefully in time it will get better. Sending you love and hugs 🙂

        • Thank, Betrayedbitch…I’m sending the love & hugs right back at ya!!

          I’m also hoping it gets better soon. My STBX and the whore just officially moved into their new “love shack” (a.k.a. apartment). At least it’s not in the neighborhood (which they tried to do). I’m still finding myself looking for their cars whenever I step outside (they were temporarily living sandwiched between her husband and me!). So glad they’re gone. But now I have to deal with my youngest (16 yr old) daughter going over there and being around the whore.

          The audacity of spending a lifetime protecting her from bad people, only to find myself having to hand her over to someone I literally wish would fall off the face of the earth. And I have no control over it. Gosh, that sucks. It’s literally the worst feeling in the world.

          But this too will pass. Hopefully their control-freak, narcissistic personalities clash so intensely that they’ll kill each other!

  • Josh thinks that it “makes more sense” that the divorce is about another woman?!?!

    That’s exactly the OPPOSITE of how marriage (and divorce) is supposed to work. If you must divorce, make that decision based on the merits of the marriage. You divorce your spouse FIRST, and THEN date. Not the other way around.

    But to a cheater, anything that justifies his behavior “makes sense,” even if it doesn’t.

    • It makes sense to Beka knowing Josh, I suppose, that he would be stupid and cowardly enough to only find the courage to leave his unhappy marriage at the bottom of a glass. Hey look what I found in my glass!! An unstable slut!! Woohoo, now I can get a divorce!! Now I’m brave enough to break my family!!

  • BiPolars are nortoriously medication non-compliant.
    What she didn’t report: “When I get manic I frantically twerk everything from street lamps to stranger’s legs like a little rodent that’s just been informed it’s gonna be neutered imminently.”

    FFS, the Grey Lady formerly known as the “Newspaper of Record” is now pimping herself as the “Newspaper of Wreckage.”

    • Yep, the NYT and the Washington Post are going down the toilet. Almost makes me sadder than telling my kids that their dad is a remorseless cheater…

      • I reread this as a true story with Maggie Haberman and Maureen Dowd as the two women and now it makes sense. Stockholm syndrome with a side of victim shaming are de rigueur for all New York Time pieces these days.

  • Maybe it’s true…there’s a part of me that would have absolutely done that (esp if I had kids that she’d be taking some responsibility for), if I weren’t so emotional and bluntly honest about things. It drives me nuts that I can’t be a fly on the wall to see the drama unfold and everyone get what they deserve She was a lawyer – maybe analytical, cool, calculating, pretty smart. She’ll have a front row seat when the Karma bus comes along!

  • I stopped reading this post when she said she was bi-polar II and how she made such horrible decisions in the past.

    I translated that in my head to

    I AM A CRAZY 40 YEAR OLD WOMEN WITH NO CHILDREN AND NEVER MARRIED BECAUSE I AM CRAZY.

    When dating in your 40s or more, any person that has never been married and has no kids is a GIANT RED FLAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    The question that you ask ASAP is “WHY?”.

    They will of course lie or tell you half truths. Try and put the pieces together because most likely you need to RUN….

    • I disagree. I now date a lovely man, over 40 who has never married and has no kids. His reasons for this are not weird or sketchy. He is a great partner, uncle, friend, son, etc. I feel incredibly grateful to have found him. After going through the extreme trauma of having been married to and divorced from my narcissistic ex, finding someone who is not focused on marriage and not forcing my kids to have relationships with someone else’s kids has been perfect for me. He is kind, loyal, respectful, and honest. All qualities my ex husband lacked within an official marriage. If we looked at these two men on paper side by side it would appear that my ex was a far better catch. As most of us have learned, appearances can be deceiving.

      • I was about 42 when I got married. No kids. Growing up, my parents did not have a good marriage. Rather than talk it out, get therapy, or divorce, my mom would run up the bills, take half the assets, leave, and then return when she ran out of money and kibbles from her latest affair partner. As an adult, I kept picking fixer-uppers to date, because if my own mother didn’t love me, how could I expect any decent person to do so? I was an easy target – I had zero boundaries, type-A personality, and would move mountains for people I love. We would coast along for a few months to a few years until I was exhausted from doing the emotional labor and being the mommy-maid, or heaven forbid I needed something from him, and we would break up. I really thought I had found a real partner when I married at 42, but once the love-bombing died back he settled in for poker tournaments, online gaming, and NSA Craigslist ads.

        So I guess you’re right. Anyone that would date me should be seeing huge red flags. They can do so much better.

    • I was 41, never married, and childless when I met the Traitor. 🙁
      Cheater magnet so obviously I had a terrible picker.
      The rest I don’t consider my fault.
      Yes, the Traitor treated all that as red flags, grilled me, questioned whether I had always been faithful (of course, I had always been faithful!).
      He asked me about my history, I described my previous relationship, what was good, what was bad.
      I had been single for 3 years since it had ended. I don’t consider myself a basket case, even if I’ve had a really unsuccessful love life.
      The red flags when I met the Traitor? It turned out his questioning was a red flag. He was testing how trusting I had been previously, establishing that I was really chumpy and would make a good target.
      I projected my values on to him and inferred from his questions that he was an honest man who feared meeting an unstable cheater.
      As for the childless business, that’s not always a choice.
      This red flags business is really hard to get right.

    • ” …in your 40s or more, any person that has never been married and has no kids is a GIANT RED FLAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

      Is that really a fair thing to say?

      I’m 40+ woman, never married and no children. I have my reasons, including having a psycho abusive father who was very cruel to my mom and us kids, and several boyfriends over the years who all turned out to be destructive men.

      I’m wary of marriage because of my childhood and watching my mom suffer so, and do not want to repeat it. And I don’t want to marry for the sake of marrying, nor bring children into the world with a bad father.

      Is marrying and having children the only lifestyle that is considered normal and healthy??? I don’t think so.

      • If I am reading this Census document correctly 82.8 to 84.9 percent of United States women have had a child by the time they reach 40 and 45 years old respectively. Being childfree isn’t always a choice, but to be maligned because they aren’t is an unkind assertion.

        https://www.census.gov/content/dam/Census/library/publications/2014/demo/p20-575.pdf

        In fact, as a 46-year-old childfree man I seek out childfree women to avoid the dreaded crazy-ex-husband drama. Fuck that. Why the hell do I want to deal with another man’s kids? I use dating apps to weed out moms because I made a choice to get a vasectomy and a graduate degree. I love childfree women in their 40s. They are my people!

        • Hats off to you Doubtless for using “childfree” instead of “childless”. People who choose not to have children are not less of anything-they made the best choice for themselves. One of my colleagues steered me to the “Childfree by Choice” website to make her point. When people drone on about their children to her,she pulls up pictures of her pets and that usually does the trick !

        • Doubtless,

          You said, ‘as a 46-year-old childfree man I seek out childfree women to avoid the dreaded crazy-ex-husband drama. Fuck that. Why the hell do I want to deal with another man’s kids? I use dating apps to weed out moms because I made a choice to get a vasectomy and a graduate degree.’

          You might not have meant to be hurtful to those of us who unwittingly married and bred with guys who turned out to be ‘crazy (aggressive, cheating) exes’, but you are hurtful and seem quite condescending ‘Holier than Thou’, arrogant, and devoid of compassion. In saying, ‘Why the hell do I want to deal with another man’s kids?’ you make the kids sound like bubonic vermin! I realize that not all kids, including mine, are always angels, but there ARE reasons to love someone else’s kids. My next door neighbor, a childless never married man who has lived with his partner, a divorced mother, for several years, and has essentially adopted her young kids, seems to love and take great care of his ‘family.’ I thought and had hoped that my childless divorced now ex-boyfriend would love or at least accept my family as a package as I could not ‘get rid of my kids,’ who he had known all their lives. I tried not to burden him with parenting demands. (I met my now ex-boyfriend 30 years ago.) I wish that he had been clearer at the onset of our romantic relationship that he would NEVER make a long-term commitment to me, even though I stated that I wanted to enter a physically intimate relationship with someone only if he wanted to truly commit to me. I was just Pump and Dump to him, who instantly left once he found greener grass on the other side of the fence. He told me directly three times that he wanted to leave me, succeeding on the third try a few months ago. (I should accept some responsiblity in getting hurt as I spackled (ignored some red flags in my relationship with my now ex-boyfriend), but nonetheless, many of the things he did were unethical, unacceptable, and unnecessarily cruel.

          Using the term ‘weed out moms’ also smacks of a very negative attitude toward those of us mothers who were the victims/targets of domestic abuse and adultery by our husbands. Okay, so you, a childfree man, decided to get a graduate degree. So what? What does this have to do with parental status. I, like many respondents on CL and many parents (millions), earned (multiple) graduate degrees. I, and some of my colleagues, even worked on a doctorate while a parent of young kids. (Not saying this to brag, just pointing out a fact.) Graduate degrees are not the domain of only the childless.

          I don’t fault anyone for deciding not to have kids as I don’t fault anyone for deciding to have kids, just as I wouldn’t fault someone for choosing vanilla ice cream over chocolate ice cream or vice versa. It’s fine that you chose not to sire children, but don’t bash those of us who chose to create and raise children and had the misfortune of becoming divorced parents because we married F–ktards. How about some sympathy? How would you feel if those of us who are parents said, ‘We use dating apps to weed out childless/childfree guys. F–k that (guys who didn’t create children)! Why the H–l do I want to deal with a guy who never created children? We love people who create children. They are our people?’ I consider honest considerate loyal people ‘my people’–regardless of their parental status!

        • ” I use dating apps to weed out moms because I made a choice to get a vasectomy and a graduate degree. ”

          On behalf of all of us amazing moms that you ‘weed-out’ -THANK YOU!!!!! (We’ve already been through the ringer and deserve better – so thanks for not wasting our time!)

      • Could there be exceptions to what I said, Sure their can be!

        HOWEVER

        Every (and I mean every) woman (and this goes for men to) that I have gone on a date with who is in her 40s and never married with no kids ends up having issues that stick out.

        This does not only apply to women, it also applies to men.

        Not everyone will have that issue but the vast majority do. You just need to get passed the love bombing etc… and dig into how they handle every day life and you may discover a surprise (then again you may not).

        But my experience has shown me people over 40 that have never been married and never had any kids is a very large red flag that there is a potential problem here.

        NOTE: This goes for both women and men (Just as friends lol). I have met some men who clearly have major issues hence why they are single in their 40s and they fall in the categories I mentioned above.

      • I’m quickly approaching forty and have never been married. I did live with someone for five years and didn’t see how a piece of paper would have strengthened our bond, and after the fact I’m sure she would have ran regardless. I know I have my issues – my mother emotionally terrorized me for years on the subject of dating, robbing me of the formative years during which most people practice pairing up. But I can’t imagine someone who has been abandoned or serially cheated on not having issues – it’s about as fair as saying that if someone was left it must be because they have issues, otherwise they could have kept their spouse. I don’t believe that is true and am empathetic enough not to suggest it unless making a ridiculous point.

        I tend not to post much anymore and typically flounce when I do, and I would say that once again we’re being shown how much work our society still has to do when it comes to compassion for mental illness. Mental illness does not excuse bad behavior, but when one person with an illness is derided because of it we all are. Nothing like having major depression and then coming to one of favorite websites to be reminded that to many people I’m too broken to be loved.

        • Take what you want from the blog (ignore comments that feel like a hand has reached out of the screen and slapped you in the face “Ouch !”) and keep coming back.

          Chump nation is a rainbow nation-all shapes,sizes,colors,flavors.

          • Yep, even those of us with “‘short-bus’special” kids.

            I have major unipolar depression as well as a short bus kid. So thank you for saying that WWDSG.

            But for some reason the mental illness comments did not bother me as much as the short bus one. Maybe because I’ve had depression for 20 years and a short-bus kid for only 5? Who knows.

            Anyway, I want to give you (WWDSG) a pep talk on how depressed people aren’t too broken to be loved. But I know firsthand how depression’s foul tendrils creep into every crack and crevice in your life. It chokes relationships worst of all.

            So, whilst I don’t agree that you are “too broken to be loved”, I feel the unloveableness of depression. Instead of a pep talk, I’ll give you a solidarity nod.

            Good luck to us both.

        • Hi WhichWay 🙂

          …wondered where you’d went!

          How have you been? …lots of us ‘oldies’ don’t post much…

          I hope you are well and enjoying the sunshine 🙂

          Happy holidays 🙂
          Tess and Beau

          • …seen Arnold, Rumblekitty or Calamity anywhere? The Clip? I’ve seen The Muse and Moving Liquid a few times here 🙂

            🙂

      • Wildflower — The big issue with age is not the marital status, or lack of one, but the behavioral patterns you have established by your choices and the behavioral patterns your potential suitor has established by his choices. Not everyone wants to be a parent, not everyone should be a parent. I chose to have children, my siblings chose not to. Raising my children, virtually by myself, was the hardest thing I ever did in my entire life. Having made the choice to have children absolutely influenced my decision making process, and any time lines I established to make any life changes. I would not say that I am any better or worse than my siblings because I chose to marry and have children, but I did choose a different life path than they did because I chose to marry and have children. That may be (statistically) a social norm in the US, and it may be a significant detail in the attitudes and expectations of potential suitors when they are trying to determine if they are compatible. The age of 40 is a mid-life point, and patterns are generally well established by that time.

        One of the problems I had with my Ex#1 was that he said he wanted children, and marriage — but our definition of “wanted” was not the same. Ex#2 did not have children — but he lied to me about nearly everything he wanted, and he lied about his past. He married whenever he needed to marry to get what he wanted to get. It was a blessing that he did not have any children from any of the unions, that I know about, because those children would have been abandoned.

        I believe that if you fall into the statistical “norm” of expectations and desires within our general population, not being married and not having children would certainly be a “flag” for several issues that need to be discussed before you become involved with another person. If the reasons you made the choices you did are compatible with the reasons he made the choices he did, then this would not be a “red flag” or “problem” for your relationship.

        I hope I explained this correctly — Doubtless and Tempest can check me out — their analysis of statistical data is much better than mine. I studied statistics in graduate school because I had to — it was not a pleasure for me. I think there are statistics, sadistics, and damn lies, myself — but it is all relevant to the reliability of the data pool that is being tested, and the accuracy of the assumptions being used for evaluation. Well, I passed the class, anyway, so I hope that is correct!!!!

        • Very well said, Portia. I completely agree. And I also want to add that we all get to determine the shape of our own personal dealbreakers as we all go about creating our mighty post-Chump lives. Sometimes those dealbreakers are straight up “-IST” if we’re honest. Like I don’t want to date any man who is either over or under a certain age relative to my own age. Which is ageist of me, technically. I also don’t want to date a man who has been divorced more than 3 times, nor who had a FOO more fucked up than my own (because: reasons.) I don’t want a smoker or a Trump voter or someone who is too much of a fan of a certain singer because it’s triggering as fuck for me. Doubtless doesn’t want a mother. His preferences, my preferences are actually not judging you. That’s ok! These are boundaries. It’s healthy to have them. Recovered Chumps need stronger boundaries. This is as it should be.

    • Being over 40 and never married IS a red flag. If it is the only red flag then ignore it and move on but the “why” really needs to be explored if you want to get serious with the person.

      In my own case, I dated a woman after my divorce who was too good to be true. She was absolutely gorgeous, had a Masters degree, great 6 figure job, had a great family and was sweet as could be as a person.
      Later on I figured out why and that was because her female best friend who was so protective was a whole lot MORE than a best friend and had been for 20 years. She wanted me to be a beard for her for her family (very religious types) and work. I said “thanks but no thanks” and moved on but out of respect said nothing about it to anyone.

      If they are too good to be true– they usually are.

      • I think it is sad and unfair to automatically assume that the state of being single and childless after age 40 stems from a character deficiency or undesirable, loser traits (i.e. “red flags”).

        Instead, certain life experiences like marriage, children or lack thereof should just be looked at as a subject to explore in getting to know someone. Perhaps this what you meant, but really don’t like the “red flag” comments. I think it is hurtful.

        One could just as easily assume that a person who is divorced is waving a huge red flag. Wouldn’t it be nice if people didn’t judge you right out of the gate, but instead waited to understand you as an individual and what you’ve lived through? Just a thought.

        • Well said, Wildflower!

          Laughing Gator, I, on the surface, sound a lot like the woman you dated, although I am straight and thus have never looked for a ‘beard.’ (I got married a few months before turning 40. Could you explain to me exactly how getting married later than most people makes me defective? Did you ever consider that people who got married later were busy having a life, perhaps earning a doctorate, running a company, climbing mountains, or just plain enjoying life with their relatives, friends, and animals or enjoying life just on their own as well-adjusted, self-sufficient people? Isn’t surviving and thriving on one’s own consistent with Chump Lady’s motto, ‘Leave a cheater; get a life?’) It sounds as though you are making a generalization about millions of people based on a n (sample size) of one!

        • Stating that never married and no kids in your 40s is a RED FLAG is not a looser traight.

          What it means is you need to dig in very deep before you think about moving forward with the relationship.

          The truth is I was married (and engaged again now) and I have a daughter and someone who has never been married and never have kids has a very different thought pattern than a parent would.

          For example, I keep backups of almost everything in the house (including medicine) in case something runs out. I also have to change my schedule sometimes do to my daughters school or her simply being sick.

          What I have found is people that never experienced this level of responsibility and commitment have a very hard time understanding what it means to be a very active parent. For example, I can’t drop everything I am doing and take two days off from work to head to Vegas despite how cool it sounds.

          Another man I met gave me a warning early in my seperation because I am such an involved father with my daughter. He said women are going to find how responsible of a parent you are very attractive BUT women in general like to be the center of attention and although they find it attractive the problem is that its not their child and at some point they will get jealous.

          I have found what he said to be overall true. Especially with women in their 40s that have never been married and never had kids.

          Does that mean that they are outcast?
          – Absolutely not, it just means because of where I am at in my life we are not compatible.

          I hope this helps explain this better.

          • Lothos, I could not have explained it better.
            Being over 40 and having no kids is NOT a “Loser Trait” but if you are starting a relationship with someone then that is a “red flag” meaning you really need to explore why exactly. Why has not someone who is interested in marriage and maybe kids not found someone in 20+ years ??

            Everyone has different backgrounds, I have a dear friend who never married because she cared for her parents for decades and never met the right person. I would never say she is a loser but I would say (and have told her) that not marrying into your 50s is a red flag in a relationship and it needs to be discussed. That’s what I meant.

    • I am 46 and never married. I wanted to but my fiancé is a pathological cheater.
      My fiancé before him died of melanoma.

      Medically- I cannot have children.

      I am no freak. Discrimination is implying negative traits to an entire group based on the your own biases and beliefs or an isolated incident.

      Not being able to have children is a kick in the gut- almost daily. Being called a red flag because of it? How incredibly cruel and ignorant.

      • Doodle Bug,

        As someone who struggled with infertility for years and lost multiple babies to miscarriage and has relatives and friends who suffer the emotional pain of never having kids in spite of dearly wanting them, you have my sympathy.

        • I second this, Doodle Bug. My heart goes out to you tonight. I shed a few tears just now.

          The kick-in-the-gut from not being able to have kids is just that. And no one talks about it. Then to hear judgements about “childless” people makes it so much worse.

      • Lothos, I was not offended by your first comment, anyway, as a childless woman…
        First of all, everyone is free to decide what are red flags for themselves. You look for compatibility as you see it, as it would fit your lifestyle and priorities.
        And I freely admit that in my case I had and have issues.
        When I met the Traitor, one of my issues was being childless, because I really wanted to have children, but life and my biology had not worked out that way. In fact, I believe that is part of what made me a good mark for him.
        For some people not having children is a choice, and this choice may be a sign of some issues, or not. For some not having children is not a choice, but this may also come with its own issues.
        I think it’s perfectly fine to be choosy about whom you want to get involved with, and be clear about what you want. I hope people don’t assume that I am just a bundle of issues, though. There’s a bit more to me.
        I think Doubtless is right to take his approach too. If he didn’t want children in his life and had a vasectomy, why would he want to look after other people’s kids?
        LaughingGator, yes it is an issue which needs to be discussed if someone has never been married and starts dating someone who has, but based on my experience with the Traitor, I would be wary of how the issue is approached. The Traitor used it to make me feel deficient from the start and to imply that I was unstable, possibly promiscuous, and did not have what he called “social capital”. This is what he called his 4 kids from 2 previous “marriages” and a lot of unpaid child support, as it turned out. So if someone approached me questioning my situation, let’s just say it would put me on high alert. I guess that means I have issues… and round and round we go.
        At this point in my life, after 9 miscarriages and no kids, I am well past all this and choose to look for men who either have grown up children, or no kids. I don’t want to do the step parent thing all over again after 10 years with the Traitor’s kids. I am done and frankly too old at 53 to start this all over again with someone with younger kids.
        Our criteria also change over time, just as our needs change.
        Doodlebug, I know where you’re coming from. We get hit with a lot of this discrimination because people assume self-centeredness goes with childlessness. It’s just another kick in the gut on top of the grief we feel. I don’t even think that people who choose not to have kids are self-centered or selfish. It’s the responsible choice if you’re not keen to be a parent to not have kids, and people who have the courage to resist society’s pressure to do something they feel is not right for them deserve our respect. However I do feel that everyone has the right to set their parameters when looking for a partner, and children/no children is one of the most important ones for mating.

  • “…married in their 20s.” Oh, well THAT explains it!!

    Since when did marrying while still in child-bearing years become code for “naive and foolish”!?!?

    I proposed to my now-XW at the “naive” age of 29, which was after we had been a couple for 3 years, both worked full-time since college, and both finished graduate school at night.

    The marriage failed…because she failed. Not because we got married “in our 20s.”

    If I could find the person who coined the blameshifting term “starter marriage,” I’d punch him in the face.

    • I got married at 24. He was 25. He asked me just before DDay “why did we get married so young?” I wasn’t too young to get married but I guess he was. Some people just don’t mature.

      • it’s just another excuse for cheating. It’s the “I did a bad thing but I’m not a bad person” BS

        Poor character, end of story.

    • “The marriage failed…because she failed. Not because we got married in our twenties.” Truth. My marriage failed because Fucktard couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. He didn’t “fall in love,” he fell into bed.

  • Things I never need to worry about category: cheater or slut ever reading things, and particularly the NYT. Possible that either could have it sent to them or find it in their social networking feeds, but still–so many words all in a row would prove daunting for them, though they would likely immediately grasp the fairytale sparkle, and get that their WHOLE PROBLEM, at bottom, is that THEIR betrayed family simply fails to deliver sparkle, no matter how hard you shake or smack them. It’s so sad for them to have a defective betrayed wife who does not understand the rules of the sparkle game, and betrayed kids who similarly dragged the sparkle on demand memo to the trash bin. What are betrayed families coming to, these days? Is nothing and no one reliable any longer? Why aren’t the slut and the cheater’s kid appliances curled up somewhere, preferably in matching ugly sweaters, stringing popcorn and cranberries for the tree they all cut together and hauled home through picturesque snow on a charming old sled. Have they no appreciation for how well that would display on FB? Sheesh. Can’t trust anyone, anymore. It’s a sad world. Heh.

  • This story could be true. Maybe Beka was so happy to get rid of Josh she was thanking the OW for taking him! He is such a loser she was just glad to get him out of her life. “Yes, please take my husband You are so lucky!”

    • I was thinking the same thing. I think all of us chumps have had the “realization moment” where you start to see the positives of getting rid of a piece of sh!t cheater.

        • But Beka has to “hand her kids over to the freaks” thanks to US family courts’ joint custody norms these days. Beka has no choice in the matter, so it’s absolutely not Beka’s fault Josh and Schmoopie are assholes and that Josh is entitled to parenting time with those poor kiddos.

      • Regarding Zell’s comment, my ex-husband physically cheated on me many times during our relationship, but I am not sure whether my ex-boyfriend, physically cheated on me. Now I see that he had a wandering eye and an ‘open mind to other romantic/sexual opportunities’ while he was with me and lied to me several times. Sadly, he appears to have thought of me as just a convenient booty call who would ‘do for now’ (until he found a woman he deemed worthy of his respect and his pursuit as a love interest as well as a sexual conquest). Do you think that I will have that ‘realization moment’ where I start to see the positives of losing my lying boyfriend who never wanted to commit to me? God, I hope so! This (second) break up from my chronically abandoning boyfriend, even after 3.5 months (this time), which has resulted in a permanent separation and eternal No Contact from my ex-boyfriend at HIS demand, has been more painful than the loss of my husband through divorce! As horrific as my ‘marriage’ (in the legal sense only) and protracted, contentious divorce were, I never felt suicidal over the divorce (even at the height of the abuse of me/the kids). In contrast, I have often felt suicidal over the abandonment of me by my ex-boyfriend, who doesn’t give a rat’s behind about me (or my kids). If I knew that my extremely disordered and hostile ex-husband would not become the sole custodian of our kids, I might have followed through with ending my life to avoid the prolonged excruciating pain of the abandonment by my ex-boyfriend.

        • Rockstarwife, if your current therapist isn’t helpful, please find someone else. It may be you put too much hope in this relationship, but no matter what it is, please get help. +1000 Jedi Hugs!

          • Thanks, Datdamwuf,
            I invested way too much, way more than my ex-boyfriend in this relationship. I have worked with many therapists. I don’t think that any can really help me. Thank you for your support.

        • I know how you feel. I was cheated on by my ex husband, and honestly glad to be rid of him. He was a classic covert, triangulating narcissist. Being free from that marriage was like being freed from a cult. I got dumped again, and most likely cheated this last March by a man I had been dating for a year. I thought this relationship was my second chance, my redemption in a lot of ways. This is so much worse than my divorce. Day to day, I feel so low. I can’t believe it has happened twice. But I have been seeing a great counselor the last six months, something I never did after my divorce, and working on self-value. Please get help if you are not already. You are worth it and your children are too. You are worth so much more than these smarmy bastards. All my love to you.

          • Hi Lovely Layla,

            Sorry for the late response. I am sorry that you, too, are a member of the Multiple Times a Chump Club. I’m really glad that you found a counselor that you like. May I ask how the counselor has helped you? I have been trying to get help in all different types of ways. Nothing seems to work. Sometimes I remind myself that my I can benefit my clients (homeless people) and my kids if I stay alive. Those are the only things keeping me alive.

  • “…this family we all have forged means to me.”

    I love the Times, but they need an editor, here.
    By definition, something must be “forged” from scratch. Modifying an existing family due to infidelity is not “forging,” it’s muddling through.

    The OW is trying to take credit for, and enjoy the fruits of, others’ labors.

    Having no children and then stealing someone else’s husband and kids isn’t “forging a family,” no matter how much she wants it to be.

  • Holy fuck this is horrendous to read. Stupid, evil douchebags. Blowing up lives without a care in the world as it’s up to their victims to clean it up for them. I hope the x wife is just playing the long game here.

    • and then ADVERTISING their moral turpitude!! Insane. If you’re going to be a miscreant, at least stay under your rock and don’t broadcast what a deplorable human being you are.

      • Right! Why would she? I have a suspicion she is trying to control Josh and the situation by basically outing him to the whole world as her adulterous lover. She defines everything, what kind of a man Josh is, how his and Beka’s divorce is going to go down, how the kids are going to be, what is going to happen in the future. If she shouts to the entire world that their love is so special that even the wife accepts it, then won’t he look like a major idiot if he tries to break up with her (Elizabeth). Hahaha.

        • This is the best analysis of what’s motivating the HO-mewrecker. It’s about control and image management. She triangulated Josh with the entire NYT readership.

    • Yeah, I felt physically ill reading it. Waded through it just so I’d get the full benefit of CL’s take down.

  • The idiot OW is on a med cocktail to even out manic episodes. Poor impulse causes control between her and her Man. So glad Beka no longer is legally attached to the asshat. Sounds like Josh may be well-versed in snagging a ho with his sad sad stories. This isn’t his first time to the cheater rodeo.

    Who knows what is the Beka version of this idiocy. My 2cents is that this a smart, professional woman with a clue; Beka is fully aware this train wreck OW will implode and that Josh is a full-on moron. This letter smacks of self-doubt and low self esteem. Good luck, Josh!

    Are both sides using the kids in this mess, though?

    • This adulterous PhD needs a calculator? Even if she got her doctorate in a non-technical field, she sounds like a lousy excuse for an academic (both cognitively and ethically). I can’t help but wonder why her ex-husband and her colleagues don’t like her. (I am guessing that she thinks that she is misunderstood and being unfairly punished.)

  • On the other hand: In the interest of everyone continuing their lives happily, Beka puts on a happy face and gets a very good divorce settlement then goes No Contact. And moves far away with the kids. Josh is too drunk by now to oppose anything and OW gets to enjoy him all to herself.

  • You know my very, tippy top favorite thing from these OW missives? When they tell us what our marriages were like! #whereismytaser

  • There is nothing more attractive about a man who sits in a bar….then leaves to go pick up his children. What a keeper!!!

    In the Great State of Texas, we call it Driving While Intoxicated and Child Endangerment.

    • After drowning in the shit the OW was spewing, I managed to miss this. Oh my goodness! He’s quite the catch, isn’t he?

    • Hope Beka learns knows about the picking up the kids after drinking because MVA’s are not exactly conducive to smoothing things out for the children. Maybe she might exhibit more of a spine to protect her children from accidental death as opposed to shielding them from Mommy crying and yelling and calling Daddy and his AP both a POS.

    • You know maybe this is the reason behind Beka befriending OW. Maybe she knows that her children will be safer with OW than with the ex.

      I let my STBX come into my house for a year after he left to spend time with my kids for this exact reason. I didn’t trust him to drive the kids around. I did not welcome OW though (my older two kids were teenagers and had their own opinions and boundaries about her). Plus, I was still trying to bridge a relationship for my kids with their dad and thought that spending that time with him was better than nothing.

      For me, it was a way to try and control things. I have since stopped that. First, I have no control over STBX. Second, any relationship between my kids and their dad needs to come from them, not me, or it will not be authentic.

    • OW Elizabeth is not necessarily a reliable narrator about Beka though. It would not surprise me in the least to find out that the truth of Beka’s feelings about the situation are nothing like what’s been portrayed in Elizabeth’s propaganda piece. So I think we need to be careful about calling out Beka for being too “spineless” or for being a eye roll-worthy “conscious uncoupler” or whatever.

      The OW should never get to tell us who the Chump is.

  • The one silver lining is knowing one of these self righteous cheaters will cheat on the other somewhere down the road.

  • My ex’s OW said, “we were just two people who fell in love and it is unfair that you are putting a scarlet letter on my chest.”

    Why yes I am….

    • What? You mean there are consequences to her actions? Gasp! How dare you not recognize her special “the rules don’t apply to me status!” That’s so fuc*ing unfair to her! Don’t you know unfairness Is something cheaters shouldn’t suffer!

      My god, I think I need some anti- nausea meds now.

      She must have missed part of the important foundation of freedom “The right to swing my fist ends where the other man’s nose begins” … swing away hoebag… but when your freedom interferes with my rights, you can’t call it unfair! She branded that scarlet letter, if other people affix it to her, well too fucking bad cupcake! It’s called consequences!

  • I remember when a couple moved in on our street, it was a friend of my sons Father and his secretary that he had a long term affair with and then moved out with her. (they have now been married about 12 years now) but one days she was standing with a group of us women (at school) and trying to get us to join her bible class (self proclaimed religious person) and told us that God answers prayers, she had prayed often for more children and God gave her two more daughters (who hate her guts) in answer to her prayers.

    After she walked away, I remember turning to the other woman and asking when does God break up a family to give a cheater another woman’s kids. Plus they have a Mother, nobody gave her kids. This made the group very uncomfortable, I was not a chump then but could not understand why I was the only one willing to say WTF.

    My Ex also use to meet his Co working Whore on a bar stool instead of coming home at the end. He told me once that she thinks I am a great father. I was amazed he had the nerve to say that to me because while EX and OW are sitting on a bar stool drinking Me and her Live in Boyfriend are at home taking care of the KIDS. Losers. He knew he was a lousy father, he needed to hear different, and was going to fall for anyone dumb enough to tell him the lie necessary to hide his failures and support his delusions.

    • “This made the group very uncomfortable, I was not a chump then but could not understand why I was the only one willing to say WTF.”

      When you find out let me know. I’ve read so much about anger and how anger makes others uncomfortable (even when the anger is not directed at them and it is simply someone expressing their anger with a situation), I’ve read where truth makes others uncomfortable. I’ve seen where Facebook posts and/or Blog posts that are real and raw are ignored, yet happy-happy-fake-fake-happy-happy posts are greeted with thumbs up and way to go and attaboys, etc. I understand how no one wants to read/hear about someone “keeping it real” all the time. But, in little slices of life, when something is obvious and needs/should be said, why is the messenger shunned or expected for feel awkward for saying whatever? It’s like there is an unwritten conscription or code that I’m not privy to, that I didn’t get the chip or what have you. I would’ve said the same thing in your situation. It’s not gossip either. It’s fact. It’s helping me focus on the reality of the situation. Sigh. Not that everyone needs reality 24/7, but come on, why should I be punished for not upkeeping the standard of “it’s best not to say anything.” Maybe if more people said things to me, I may had seen the red flags. Then again, when I was young, who was the one the friend took it out on when her husband tried to hit on me? Me. Twice in my life (when I was young), two friends husbands tried hitting on me, and I told my friends about it soon as possible. What happened? They stopped talking to me. Same with another girl when I was 18. Her father tried hitting on me. I told her and she stopped talking to me. Ugh. If my friend told me my father was trying to hit on her, I would had went to my father, in front of my mother and asked him what the hell was his problem.

      • ” I’ve seen where Facebook posts and/or Blog posts that are real and raw are ignored, yet happy-happy-fake-fake-happy-happy posts are greeted with thumbs up and way to go and attaboys, etc.”

        I know this to be true. In the past year I have lost a husband and gone through treatment for cancer. People only like the positive posts. When I post about the reality of cancer. The emotional toll it takes, I rarely get any likes or comments. But when I posted about my awesome new wigs or made a joke about my bald head I received comments and likes galore. And no one commented on any my husband is a cheater post. People do not like reality because it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows every day. They do not like to be reminded that bad things can happen to anyone.

        I was well aware that my cancer made people uncomfortable. And now that I’m NED I am supposed to just continue on and not say a word about it again. No wonder most people with cancer end up with PTSD.

        • CC, I found that cancer separates people into three basic groups.

          Group One wants a front row seat and lots of information to share with others so as to take credit for “being there” for you in your “difficult time.” These sorts will check in regularly asking for details and might give you a gift card so you can call to arrange for someone to clean your house.

          Group Two makes themselves scarce in hopes that you don’t infect them or ask them to reciprocate in any way for all the assistance you have given them in the past. They might send a card letting you know that they are “thinking of you” or “sending their prayers.”

          Group Three will behave like the loving, caring people they always were. They will watch a movie with you while you do your chemotherapy. They will drop off a casserole or clean your house. And you will treasure them forever.

          • Yes!! I have encountered all three groups.

            One of my favorite cancer pastimes was checking who visited my Caringbridge page. There were a ton of people (OWs mom included) who checked in and never said a word to me.

            • Silent stalkers have to be a special super creepy subgroup of Group Two. OW’s Mom, though?? Not exactly invested in your wellbeing, was she?

              I’m sorry you had to even try to wrap your head around that.

              • CC, Maybe they were hoping you would achieve room temperature before your assets were divided. If that is the case, they will all meet again in a special hell one day.

                People who head for the exits when their spouse is seriously ill are just one gutter below those who do so when their spouse is pregnant with their child. Responsibility and caring on their part is such a killjoy.

                I am hoping that you continue on with a stellar recovery of your health and your life. So far, so good, so just keep going and keep your eyes on the prize. It’s important to live a little extra to reclaim what that d-bag took from you. Fortunately, that isn’t hard.

              • I think she was investigating to learn more about the man her daughter is in a relationship in. The OW mentioned to me at one point that there were concerns about getting involved with a married man, but since we are separated she thought it was ok. I guessing her mom went to my page to see if she could figure out when we separated. BTW, it is very clear on my page that he left me after I was diagnosed with cancer. Why she would want to get involved with that is beyond my comprehension.

              • Thank Survivor! I am doing fantastic with regards to cancer recovery. Feeling great and trying to find my new normal. So far life is much easier and less stressful without him. Like Josh in the post today, my STBX also frequents the bar. It was the source of many arguments in our relationship. You can’t force someone to “adult” if they don’t want to. I am very happy to be rid of the dead weight that was dragging our family down (I’m sure Bekka is too). I put up a bit more of a fight than Bekka did, but I am going to attribute that to temporary insanity from my body being pumped full of poison.

                I have no doubt that my and my daughter’s life will be MUCH better with him in it as little as possible (86/14 custody with me as the primary residence). Already, I have met new friends and reconnected with old ones. I actually have a life, which was not allowed when he was around.

      • The reason no one wants to talk about it or know about it is fear! Either they’ve cheated themselves or considered it or worried that it might happen to them. “There but for the grace of God go I” Just lets ignore the fact and it will go away! Women are told ‘don’t make fuss’ from the time they are little.

        • People think it will never happen to them. I’ll admit, I never thought it would happen to me. When cheater wife would tell me about other people cheating I thought of it something that happens to ‘other people’.

          • It’s interesting how the cheaters love gossip. X would always tell me about affairs and nonsense that was going on. He seemed to thrive on the intrigue. They really live a fantasy life and don’t invest in the life they have, constantly looking for a new anything and everything. There truly is no depth to these people it’s all on the surface.

            • I think they are testing the waters; taking their chump’s temperature on what they think of the idea and probably hoping for positive feedback to use as permission.

              • …cue the Twilight Zone music…

                …the matrix is real????

                …ugh…dammit! I just knew it!

                …truly…what the hell huh?! GAAAA! GRRRR!!!!

                …just reading all your posts…yep…that damn thing is real…we all need to wake up NOW.

      • This is precisely why so many people remain quiet when they know that someone is involved in an affair. So many people punish the messenger and refuse to believe the reality that is staring them right in the face.

    • “why I was the only one willing to say WTF”

      TheBestMe–kudos to you for your courage. I suspect the reason many don’t speak up in the face of injustice is cowardice, and a strong desire to buy into the just world hypothesis (if something bad happened to someone, they must have deserved it & if something good happened, that person deserved it). The Just World hypothesis is a crock of BS; one only needs to look at natural disasters, child abuse, human trafficking, and genocidal atrocities to realize it can’t possibly be true–what did small children do to deserve horrific things that befall them? And yet people persist in thinking that, because they feel it gives them some semblance of control over what happens to them–“If I am a good person, good things will happen to me and nothing bad will happen to me.”

    • I prayed for a bike, but the preacher said God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

  • WTF? I am actually acquaintances with a woman like this. She is very good friends with her ex serial cheaters new baby momma turned wife (after the second pregnancy 🤰 must have been enough to seal their vows). She sold her beautiful home (that she financed as the sole breadwinner of a stay at home dad) and moved into a tiny little house 4 doors down, so her kids could walk back and forth between houses. With 5 existing children (2 from each previous marriage) a toddler from the cheating, and a new baby on the way, there probably wasn’t a whole lot of time for carpooling. I don’t know how she does it. Every now and again I will get a snipet of feelings from her that she thinks they are terrible parents, but she quickly tucks it back in and “accepts” this is her children’s fate and she is going to do all that’s right for them.

    PS. Unrealated to today’s post, but a great look into the schemes of a psychopath, there is a suspenseful series if podcast called “Dirty John” that I highly recommend listening to. It shows the destruction of believing the best in people.

  • My first LTR broke up because he’d met a woman, and he’d realized he wanted kids (I did not). After we’d been apart for a month I realized it was a good thing. I had stopped loving him romantically quite some time before. He was like a brother to me. I was so much happier without him it was amazing. He married her, had kids, I got along with her fine. Then, she turned out to be a nutcase, they divorced. He and I have remained friends to this day. The story this OW wrote was trite. Just noting, that maybe Becka felt the same way I did back then, she was happy to be free of her husband.

    The exasshole that brought me to this site was nothing like the first LTR guy. Whole different story.

  • ‘It’s not my place to pry into your feels, Beka. It’s my place to pry open your husband’s pants.’

    ‘If you had wanted to have an attentive husband, Beka, you should have gone to more Mother’s Day Happy Hours. See? I’m a Part Time Pretend Mommy Now! It’s EASY!’

    ‘I’m a downgrade in every way and I know it. But I do have the kind of screaming hole in my soul that keeps Josh trying to literally plug it.’

  • I will admit to being civil, almost friendly even, on the surface when ex comes to get the kids or when we are at kid events and whatnot, but I have made it very clear that I will never be friends with Schmoopie. I can’t even imagine that. I don’t make friends with people like that. When I am not civil with ex it is usually something relating to her. This article just makes my skin crawl. Ugh.

  • This letter rang a bell – it sounds like the same bizarre stuff my ex and babysitter would tell people to justify their affair. The highlights were “See, she just married him to look good at work. She doesn’t really love him.” I’m sputtering here. In what universe?… And another one was “she kept him locked in a box.” Hah. It’s tempting. An iron maiden perhaps.

  • “I know it sounds all wrong, but I’m just that kind of irresistible siren.”

    The cheater call of the wild. Much like preschool logic, it simply can’t be wrong if it benefits them.

    Also, my money is on Beka’s calculated refusal to be the hypotenuse. “You want to triangulate, asshole? I’ll take myself out of play as the bad guy and spoil your fun. Ta ta!”

    • I think she is triangulating, with OW against ex. Heck, she might even be a closet lesbian hoping to get OW for herself. It would explain a lot and if so, ex did her a favor by blowing up the marriage for her. Still, I think she could find somebody better if that is the case.

      • Somehow I doubt that even if she’s into women, she’s looking for a bipolar barfly skank who fucks married men.

      • She is definitely engaging in offensive triangulation. Bravo for her! But the closet lesbian comment is pretty far off the mark.

  • Maybe the wife using kindness is able to find out more facts about the OW. Bipolar and drinking and meeting her husband in a bar. That would be good information to have at a divorce hearing.

    Is she going to take him to the cleaners and shield her children from both of them. She could see it as a lost cause and trying to keep stress off her children while a pending divorce is coming up. She would be freely gathering up evidence free to stand in front of a judge and say this is what I have put up with.

    I’m sure this isn’t his first affair either. Either way maybe she will really get him and the idiot thinks she’s friends with both of them. I would love to hear the mother/wife’s side after the divorce.

  • I called my ex-husbands affair partner after dday #5 and told her that I was kicking him out and that she was welcome to him. He was sitting next to me when I made the call. I mostly did this because he was continuing to lie about her and I called his bluff and said let’s give her a call. Anyway…….she called me several days later to apologize! Yeah, you guessed it, it was more of a poor pitiful me call than a hey I’m sorry I hurt you kind of thing. I did not answer when she called but she left me a voicemail. She went on about how she did not know that he was still with me……he has become a good liar……she will have to go to her grave knowing that she broke up two families and hurt innocent people. Their affair went on for FIVE YEARS! Multiple ddays for myself and her husband. Many lies, time lost with their children, financial infidelity as well as sexual infidelity. They are now married to each other and I for one hope they stay that way! I hope they live every day wondering what the other one is doing. And they probably do. I avoid spending any time with them. I do not speak to her and I only speak to my ex when it involves our two children.

  • I had a couple of encounters like this. My reactions:

    1) Best friend’s husband came to my home to invite me to be his On The Sidepiece. I told him if he ever spoke to me again I’d tell my Best Friend just exactly what he’d said. Ewww.

    2) A guy at my workplace propositioned me in front of his buddies, saying “my wife doesn’t understand me”. I looked at him as his buddies smirked and said “I bet she understands you all too well”. He then progressed to nasty comments (both behind my back and to my face) and even overt harassment over the next few years until I threatened to sue HIM, not the company we worked for, for his behavior. By then I had witnesses.

    This OW is fooling herself. The Ex-wife is setting the OW up. She’s an attorney, for pete’s sake. I think there will be an uncomfortable surprise in court.

  • This article screams “I am not a piece of shit!” While very clearly she is. It’s amazing too how many of the disordered reach out to have something published, like making those poor choices public will somehow make it all right, uh…..no. It’s a special kind of stupid that knowingly fucks a married person, and a colossal kind of stupid to fuck over a spouse. I know people think and behave like this but I don’t like them.

  • I just threw up in my mouth a little…
    How hard is it to say, “If you’re having problems with your wife, I can’t help you. Perhaps a marriage counselor can,” or, “I’m sorry we can’t date because you are married.” #simplerejectiontechnique #whoresneedtostopenablingcookies.

  • Phew, I can practically smell the personality disorder through my computer screen. Look up Josh and the OW in a couple years, and I guarantee 100% they will no longer be together, assuming the whole article isn’t some Penthouse Letters type of bullshit for cheaters.

  • I couldn’t keep reading this, It makes me so angry that people actually believe this bullshit, that’s it’s okay to blow up a marriage and a family. For this fake hallmark channel rom com fantasy. I can see my ex wife believing that what she did was for best for everyone, when it just disgusting and tragic.

    • Dave, that’s part of getting to “Meh,” and it’s a shitty part, indeed.

      I have no doubt that my XW’s version of the end of our marriage (and then OM’s marriage 8 months later) is a story of an “undeniable connection” in which neither of them were evil cheaters, but instead good people. The “good kind” of cheater is what every cheater believes she is.

      Let them have that fantasy. Fact is, I divorced my wife, not the other way around. And she asked several times for “another chance” while the divorce proceeded. Their “undeniable connnection” was an excuse to fuck some strange.

      It was only after I made my wife sign and notarize the final settlement agreement that the OM came clean to his wife. And it only took another 6 months, after our divorce, for OM to finally commit to XW and proceed with his own divorce. Only then was my XW even willing to make the heretofore denied relationship public knowledge.

      In other words, that “connection” was utterly deniable, until they had succeeded in blowing up everything and found themselves alone. And there is NOTHING scarier to a cheater than being alone. It must be avoided at all costs.

      • So true – NOTHING SCARIER TO A CHEATER THAN BEING ALONE – with themselves, with their thoughts, etc.. They must have nearly constant outside stimulation – like Fuckbook, Instaglam, fiction – or be asleep. Self-soothing is impossible for them.

        • This is SO true, Untold!!! And it seems like the person that is actually there for them is never enough and they still look outside and everwhere else for stimulation.

      • Thanks JC, My ex ran off 1200 miles away from me and our son. To be with this guy she knew 25 years ago, who is 14 years older than her, who’s wife passed away, I guess that made him needed and made it okay for them to blow up my marriage and our family, I hope she’s proud of herself, Her son hates!!! The both of them. I am working towards Meh but I’m a ways away from that now.

  • Gad! I cringed reading this POV letter from OW. Does she really believe that Beka was okay with her destroying her family? Doubt it. Putting her self proclaimed vindication for her deplorable actions on paper just helps her to sleep at night. The look of “bafflement” from friends? She must be missing the tinge of blatant disgust that comes with said looks. Those friends, if truly friends of Beka’s, hate her. They see the situation for what it is: a heartbroken mother of two young girls, trying to keep her shit together as she bucks the chaotic tide of this mind-blowing shit storm. They see her pain and are without a doubt feeling extremely awkward in this forced situation of “unconscious uncoupling”. The OW may have mentioned married men as being off limits, but clearly this one wasn’t. She mentioned not wanting to hurt or destroy a family, but did it anyway. She mentioned how destroyed Beka was when Josh let the cat out of the bag… ‘Nevertheless, she persisted. ‘
    Just like every other narcissistic sociopath, her words compliment how she would LIKE people to see her, while her actions reveal someone else entirely.
    I feel bad for Beka. She’s nothing more than this whore’s narcissistic feed bag.

  • “Sorry is the two-dollar bill of words. It’s worth something, but in the end it’s ridiculous, a souvenir at best.” – Suzanne Finnamore

  • I’m sure it will all work out. If only we could have an update in 2 years…after reality nukes the shit out of her rainbows and unicorns.

    • LOL, Trimarks!! A friend of mine and I take great pleasure in making fun of Xhole and Owife who are living in the land of rainbows and unicorns!! Two cheaters waiting on the nuke to hit!! But I hope it doesn’t…I love the thought of them wondering if the other is cheating.

  • Beka probably had about 24 hours of angry/sad after D-day, then realized OW had given her the golden ticket she’d been wanting for years: an excuse to finally divorce her raging alcoholic lout of a husband. My guess is that any guy who’s hanging around in bars in the afternoon has had serious substance abuse issues for years, and was no picnic to live with. Beka was probably only staying in it for the kids as it was. Now at least she won’t be the one stuck paying for X’s rehab stays or DUI’s, or having to fuck a sloppy drunk.

    My take on the “BFF” situation is that it’s Beka’s way of maintaining at least some way of monitoring Josh and Schmoopie at home, since her kids will be there regularly. Reading between the lines, I bet Schmoopie has some substance abuse issues of her own (many bipolars “self-medicate” with alcohol, and OW’s hanging out in the same bars as Josh). Schmoopie is probably too thick to realize she’s being manipulated; hope the karma bus hits her hard!

    • Well, whoops — I skipped Beka’s drinks at 2 PM, BEFORE divorce court — looks like Josh isn’t the only alkie in the family. Maybe the whole lot of them are such raging alcoholics that anything goes, as long as they all stay good drinkin’ buddies in the end? I pity the kids — I predict AlAteen for them before long.

  • The mental gymnastics that cheaters have to go to make themselves feel good about what they’ve done is nauseating. They destroy families, their partner’s self-esteem, and years of commitment through their selfish behaviour. My STBXW basically told me I wasn’t good enough for her. I know I’m not perfect, but after being together for almost 30 years, and helping to raise 3 wonderful children, I think I deserved better .

    • Nothing is sacred to a cheater. Nothing. I’m sorry for your pain and for your discard. I’m also in the almost 30 years of marriage club. Their lack of love and appreciation is not a measure of your worth. It only shows you how empty and disordered they are.

      Hugs.

    • Canadian Dad,

      I am sorry to hear about this gigantic completely undeserved slap in the face with a two-by-four! You deserve better!

      From my ex-boyfriend, I got a version of ‘You’re not good enough’–‘You don’t have enough vacation (to travel with me)’ although as a teacher at the time I was getting 13 WEEKS/year vs. his 3 weeks/year and ‘My career is at its zenith while yours is just getting re-started’–although I never asked him for money as I already had money for my kids and me, and so what that my career, which had been punctuated with grad school and virtually single parenthood throughout my marriage, wasn’t as ‘snazzy’ and advanced as his considering that my kids and I were not ‘down and out’ and never asked him for material things? Later, he gaslit me (denied that he ever said these things). Guess that he didn’t want anyone to know that he may have had said something politically inappropriate and inaccurate (just a lame excuse) that was evidence of his lack of respect, love, and concern for my kids and me. Please remember that these ungrateful liars are not good enough for US honest loving chumps!

  • “The one thing I don’t know, and may never know, is whether our bond is genuine affection on Beka’s part or the result of her sheer will to make this work, to avoid falling prey to bitterness, to refuse to be a victim.”

    “I am in awe of the grace and maturity she has displayed throughout what I suspect is the most traumatic event of her life.”

    Oh, go piss off. Being “bitter” does not mean you’re a “victim.” It means some of us don’t give a flying fuck to put on a poker face and do be-the-bigger-person jig.

    I also doubt that Beka’s decision to play nice has much to do with choosing not to be a “victim” as it does she cares about her children and family. Sometimes letting go of dead weight is just a relief.

  • “I am married to a wonderful, successful, beautiful woman,” he said. “By any calculation, I should be happy. But I’m not, so I have decided that I am not going to calculate anymore.”

    I’m also not going to be faithful or tell my wife about any of this… but hey, UNHAPPY! That justifies it all, right?

    • So what kind of idiot is married to wonderful, successful beautiful woman with 2 children and knows he should be happy but he’s not? Poor wee sausage, well maybe the Crazy OW will make him happy for a bit and hey if she doesn’t Crazy OW can help Beka raise the kids while Josh looks for a new fuckbuddy? Seems fair right ? Crazy OW say she’s ok with that and Beka seems ok with it too so Josh can just keep on going like the “energizing Fuck bunny”. As an aside people with names like Josh, Beka and whatever Crazy OW is called are highly suspect in my book anyway! LOL

      • Yeah, it’s like “therapy? Check for depression? counseling? talking to my wife and either working on the marriage or ending it honorably? Nope! Fuck a bar hoe!”

  • ” So, Beka, would you have any ideas as to how the brakelines on your ex husband’s car could have been damaged? Did he have any enemies?”
    ” Why no, detective, everybody loved him, I still count him one of my BEST FRIENDS- except, you know, I hate to speak ill of the dead, but Girlfriend had bipolar disorder… You’d know that, right? She didn’t always take her medications on time..” ( blinks innocently, like a woman who knows that he didn’t ever get around to changing his life insurance)
    ** not real, never happened. Lord knows I never engaged in detailed fantasies about homicide and I’m sure Beka never ever does either

    • My main problem is that everybody would have known it was me!The mother of OW1 ( who had been a past employee of our joint business) once rang the business because she thought her daughter was missing-I dont know why she thought we would know, and she wasn’t missing, just petulant- and my employee and friend looked at me and said ” do you need an alibi?”But, like the song, i don’t look good in orange and i hate stripes.

  • Oh dear, my friends. While this was certainly a hilarious revision of my essay (I laughed pretty hard), the version I wrote is the truth. It was so hard to reveal my sins and shortcomings to the world because, as you all point out, I am the jerk. Do you all think I exposed myself to gloat? Because I can’t think that my depiction of myself and my behavior is anything to gloat about. I made myself vulnerable to you all to thank Beka and let other people know that she and Josh have created something out of their divorce. What they have created has made both of them happier, but it was–and will continue to be–difficult at times.

    This essay is my love letter to Beka. This is my attempt to express a gratitude that is inexpressible.

    You all make a number of assumptions about Josh and me that aren’t true. You don’t know the circumstances of Josh and Beka’s marriage before they divorced, and you don’t know the things that Josh has done–and still does–to care for the children and for Beka. Come see us in Nashville, and you will see what I am talking about. Come to dinner with Josh, Beka, Rose, Alice, and me. Come see us trying and working to be the people we want to be. I fail every single day, but, thanks to the example set by Josh and Beka, I keep on trying.

    As a side note, if Josh cheats on me or leaves me, I will be fine. I wouldn’t want anyone to stay with me out of complacency or pity or duty. As my essay mentioned, he wasn’t able to “cheat”–he had to tell Beka. Again, though, you should meet Josh before you decide that he is the stereotypical boorish male. I think he might really surprise you. And if he ever wants to leave our relationship, he will go with my blessing and love and thanks. I’m sure you won’t believe me, but you would if you met me.

    Many of you sound so unhappy in your comments. You sound like you have given up hope in other people. I’m sorry about this, particularly because I was trying to convey hopefulness in what is usually seen as a bitter, hopeless, ugly situation. But I know how it feels; I lost hope for a long time. I could write about that, but, given the unfortunate comments about my mental health, I think I will withhold that information.

    Now you may all commence ripping me to shreds yet again. I hope, though, that you will stop and think before you write something that reinforces bitterness and hopelessness. Perhaps you need to know a bit more about me, about Josh, and about Beka.

    • Dear Author:
      Ah, the old “you all sound so bitter” and not enlightened, like Beka and you and Josh. If “enlightened” means having no moral or personal standards, count me out. If “bitter” means not befriending people who have, with malice aforethought, stabbed me in the back and lied to me, count me in!

      As for hopelessness, ChumpLady pedals Empowerment (take charge of your own future! Have healthy boundaries & healthy relationships!), and Hope that one can live a life of integrity, unencumbered by a spouse who uses deception to gain an unfair advantage within a marriage. While it takes a lot of courage and pain to overcome leaving a cheater, those of us years out are happy, happy, happy. No-contact with a person who has gaslighted you during his/her affair is the best healing strategy ever.

      Frankly, I feel sorry for Beka, and worry about the example she is setting for her children (and FYI–I am a developmental psychologist with 20+ years teaching parenting/family). You are not worthy to be their stepmother, and frankly, Josh is not worthy to be their father. He betrayed those children as much as he betrayed Beka. That doesn’t speak well about his maturity or moral character, no matter how stellar he may be at seduction and witty, bohemian conversation.

      What you have to understand is that we have all been on the other end of that “my wife doesn’t understand me…we have grown apart….I am unfulfilled in my marriage,” line that Josh fed you. Ironically, they aren’t unfulfilled until fresh meat shows up. Mine plunked down $85,000 for an add-on, kitchen remodel, and puppy for our children, then met someone 34 years younger willing to open her legs. He fed her the “unfulfilled in my marriage” line, while still enjoying ALL marital benefits. Alas, when she and at least one other younger AP insisted he leave me, his wicked, unfulfilling wife for them, he declined. Hmmm…guess I wasn’t so bad after all, since after I kicked him out after finding out about his affair, he didn’t want to go. I am not alone in having a cheater who wanted to have their cake and eat it, too.

      People on this site are amazingly strong and resilient in the face of mindfuckery such as you are spewing. Do not come here and presume to judge us as “unhappy” and hopeless, when quite the opposite is true. And do not consider we are willing to lower our moral standards to buy your “enlightened” story.

      • Tempest – great words, no doubt wasted on her. You’re trying to explain astrophysics to a roach in this case. 🙂

        • ”You’re trying to explain astrophysics to a roach in this case.”

          Your comment made me laugh so hard I nearly fell off my chair ! 🙂 🙂

          Nice one.

      • “I’ve noticed a trend with OWs and that is they tend to be the unstable ” Yup. See Dr Frank Pittman, the psychiatrist who first noticed that cheating is about the ego dysfunction of of the cheater and not the wife/marriage:

        Ideal romance partners are damsels or “dumsels” in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

        If they are so unhappy, why don’t they want a divorce? Why can’t we just shut up already and go back to being the household appliance?

        And there is the answer. OW is a thing, we are a thing. For their benefit.

        I would rather be on my own than be a thing.

    • I’m quite sure no one on this site would consider you a friend, and I think we have all had more information about you, Josh and Beka then we need. Sounds pretty sick to me but hey if you, Josh and Beka are into, it have at it.

    • We’re all invited to Nashville for dinner with The-Author-who-finds-us-bitter, non-stereotypical Josh, and Beka the Friendly Loser? Chump Nation, I smell a road trip and a FLASH MOB!

      But seriously, I have no desire to get to know “the real Josh.” Or the real Author (as if). Or the unfortunate Beka. They’re all bad actors in a sad reality show, and meeting them would only leave me feeling worse for the poor children, who ARE real. And who are suffering devastation that’s real.

      While I don’t know this woman, I know her kind. I was married to one like her. The passage of time will not be kind to to her or her manic-phase romance. She will spin it the ending as mystical and fated, and paint herself as bold and brave. While everyone around her regards her with disgust or pity. The shit show that will unfold at this lady’s house in Nashville will make the Opry seem as boring and staid as a fourth grade Arbor Day pageant. Tears will be shed, police will be called, and gym bags will be stuffed with clothes at 1 in the morning. Bunnies may well be boiled. Or maybe Josh will just quietly move on and forget her, leaving her alone and unwanted as a hitchhiker with a wet dog. In either event, blessings, love, and thanks have already sent a note: they will not be attending. But regret, anger, and an unwarranted sense of victimhood called: they say their calendar looks wide open.

      Go be bold, Dear Author. Karma is on its way. And even feet fresh from a BFF pedicure can’t outrun it.

      • Yes, I can see this as a realty show! It could be a take on The Apprentice, call it ” the Cheaters” Harvey Weinstein could host and yell “your divorced” after the chump had been sufficiently humiliated by the cheaters. The chump would have to cook, clean and mind the kids while the Cheaters go on an all expense paid vacation. I think it’s hit!

    • Wait a minute Author / Other Woman,
      First, we at CN are not your friends by any stretch of the imagination.
      Second, how can you take comfort in your delusional belief that your actions made life better for the family that you destroyed? You published details of Beka’s personal loss so you could make money off the story. It is not a love letter to Beka, it is a modern day Reynolds Pamphlet. You should express gratitude to Beka for not bitch slapping you. You say that we don’t know you and Josh, but actually we do, because the people on this site have all been hurt by your kind. You clearly are drinking the cheater Kool-aid and believe the delusion that you have created in your mind, the fantasy called Josh the Virtuous. You say that Josh “wasn’t able to “cheat”–he had to tell Beka”, but you miss the point that engaging with you while he was married to Beka was a violation of trust that is the essence of cheating. Also, your comment that we sound so unhappy makes me ill. It is people like you and Josh that wreck lives and destroy families. You are merely a husband thief who is attempting to profit on your victim’s loss. Please be sure to publish your sequel when you acquire a clue.

    • @ Author,

      By stating that you are writing a love letter to Beka and doing all the unethical things you have done, you give love a bad name. Remorse would look more like, ‘I am sorry that I even considered for a second giving a married man, your husband, who flirted with me, the time of day. I will never again speak to your husband. Sorry you bred with this awful excuse of a husband.’ I see no sign of remorse from you toward Beka and her children. NONE.

      And Josh does NOT deserve any praise for his behavior. We know enough to realize that he has violated his promise to Beka by propositioning you and pursuing you while married to Beka and waiting to tell Beka about his duplicity. I see no sign of remorse from him toward Beka. As an academic, you should know that the provision of concrete evidence is required to make a compelling argument. I see no evidence.

      You say, ‘If Josh cheats on me or leaves me, I will be fine.’–All about you–classic Narc speak. (I used to lecture on personality disorders at uni.) Guess what? You being fine with him cheating on or leaving you, which is doubtful, does not (necessarily) represent how most people would feel. You cannot assume that the outcome of a ‘case study’ of a sample size of ONE (you) represents the outcome of a much larger study, specifically how people in general (millions) feel about being cheated upon or left. If you are a true academic worth your salt and your PhD (your dissertation committee didn’t make a mistake when letting you pass), then you will realize this fact.

      You also say, ‘Many of you sound so unhappy in your comments. You sound like you have given up hope in other people. I’m sorry about this, particularly because I was trying to convey hopefulness in what is usually seen as a bitter, hopeless, ugly situation. But I know how it feels; I lost hope for a long time.’ Yes, a lot of us have given up hope in people that lie to us and betray us. Is that surprising or unreasonable? It makes sense to stay away from rabid dogs after one has mauled you and you had to get the painful shot to avoid developing rabies. Not calling you a dog–that would be an insult to the dog, who did not choose to be rabid. I can’t buy the statement that you feel ‘sorry about this,’ as you willfully committed adultery. I don’t understand your statement, ‘But I know how it feels.’ What is ‘it?’ Do you mean adultery? Have you been on the receiving end of adultery?

      By the way, Bipolar II does not excuse adultery. I have friends who have it, and they don’t screw other people’s husbands.

      And pardon me if I don’t shake hands with you–or join you for dinner hosted by adulterers or adulterers’ victims (who actually do the hard work as adulterers are too busy having fun at others’ expense). The thought goes beyond nauseating.

    • No friends here. Just thousands of people who have heard this delusional self-serving nonsense before. All the cheaters and their affair partners tell themselves and anyone they will listen: We are the Good Kind of Cheater/Homewrecker. We are good people. We care about the children. We care about the spouse who’s life we destroyed. Our story is unlike the others, because it is special, because We are Special.

      Newsflash: You can’t fuck and then steal someone’s husband and care about the wife at the same time. And you have no right to declare your “maternal love” for children whose lives you shattered.

      I’m not really trying to convince you here. But thanks for the public service announcement regarding how deeply fucked up Other Women are, and how pointless it is to tell you that the sky is blue. But seriously, good luck with Josh. He sounds like a real prize.

      (PS: “The one thing I don’t know, and may never know, is whether our bond is genuine affection on Beka’s part” No bitch, she doesn’t really like you. You destroyed her life, and you’re imposing your “maternalness” on HER children.

    • Author/Indecent Scum (you know, when you slithered around enthusiastically with some else’s husband) #lovelettertowifewhosehusbandprefersfuckingMEEEE….

      BTW Josh is a turd who needs to be flushed – he cheated. He is a very boring, garden variety, cheater/liar/please suck my dick/love my kids!!/my marriage is over/I’m ‘committed’ to another but had my fingers crossed!!/It’s mother’s day and I’m here in a bar picking up!/wanna fuck?…) # yawn.

      Do Beka a favour, yeah this may be a alien concept – tell her about this site. I wonder whether you have the sac to do this.

      There is no point for further words because you are totally oblivious.

    • You don’t understand the difference between clarity and bitterness.

      Many people on this site are indeed unhappy, but only in the short term. That tends to happen when your spouse has just intentionally lied, humiliated, and abandoned you. Turns out, it’s a pretty traumatic experience, particularly when dealing with people (such as yourself) who lack the capacity to place love and empathy over fleeting self interest and a throbbing dick. Those kind of people (your kind of people) cause intense pain in exchange for your own pleasure, and the hurt and unhappiness is extraordinarily difficult to overcome in the short term. So many here are reeling from recent trauma, and their hurt and anger is to be expected. You will not take that away from them, nor may you belittle their pain.

      In the long term, I’ve never been happier. Many, MANY of us here have found extraordinary joy in becoming the masters of our own lives, seeing with clarity those who slither through life seeking their own advantage at the expense of others, and being able to recognize and enjoy authentic love and friendship, not the snake oil love that thrives on what you get rather than what you give.

      In your bullshit “love letter” to Beka, you talk only about what you got from her, never what you gave. That, dear author, is clear evidence of snake oil love. Your article wasn’t a love letter to Beka, it was a love letter to yourself. Real love also gives; your letter only flaunts what you have received. All of us here see through it, and through you.

      Do you want to know why I’m extraordinarily happy now? It’s because I’ve learned to recognize and avoid people like you who prattle on but fail to behave like caring, responsible, empathetic adults.

  • “Indeed, once the poem is finished and published, it no longer belongs to you. People will experience it in marvelously inefficient and fabulous ways ­ making it mean to them what you never imagined, using it in ways that you are not sure you find comfortable.” Marge Piercy

    Although we clearly are not talking about poetry, nonetheless, a basic textual interaction principle.

  • I love how obviously ditzy this affair partner is as she’s broadcasting this story. We know Beka is not a total sucker here. She is not only being the bigger person for her kids, but she is absolutely making her ex fucking squirm as she fails to fall into whatever negative narrative the husband wanted to have of her. That betraying bastard wasn’t even a big part of this article because I’m sure he’s in total hell and will someday look for another escape instead of a good look in the mirror.

    • My only regret,
      which I am sure is shared by all Chumps,
      (because we are just built that way),
      is for the innocent precious children.
      Our children mean the world to us. We try our best to shield and protect them.
      I really am at a loss for adequate words when it comes to children!
      ❤️

  • Beka is maneuvering through the divorce settlement we wish we all could have received while the OW croons at her in print. Well played, Beka. Well played.

    • Yup! And Tennessee is a Fault State, so thank you OW Elizabeth for providing the Honorable Court with prima facie proof of Josh’s adultery!

  • This is self-indulgent crap about two people who are looking to excuse their actions. Two pathetic people who live in their own fantasy world about their deceit, their disrespect and destruction of families. They are simply looking to excuse their behaviour. Shame on the NY Times for publishing such a fairytale. A way of excusing male entitlement bullshit. The “woman” who wrote this certainly lived in the land of milk and honey.

  • I am Beka. Not the real Beka, but a Beka.

    My ex-husband left me for a woman I considered a friend. She was “what he’s been looking for his entire life.” So glad he made that decision after 10 years of marriage and three planned kids.

    They were married a couple months ago. The three of us have an amicable relationship. The best I can say about him is that he is a good dad and a good provider, and thankfully, he makes sure that the kids and I never go without. (There is a massive income disparity between us.)

    She is good to the kids, and they think she’s fantastic. Because they are quite young, I have never told them the circumstances of our divorce. I figure they will figure it out when they’re older. She text me photos of things they do when there with her and their dad, which I appreciate. She has been helpful in a lot of ways. God help me, even find her likable. I told a girlfriend once that I can’t bring myself to hate her; my friend responded that that was OK, she hates her enough for the both of us.

    I have forgiven them. However, I will never, ever forget that they are cheaters. That she betrayed me in the worst way a friend could, and that he was willing to throw away our marriage and family without ever breathing a word of his alleged unhappiness.

    So, yes, we make it work. I think we actually make it work a whole lot better than a lot of other families do, and I am proud of that. But that doesn’t make them good people, or people I trust. I hope Beka keeps that in mind to.

  • I think what bothered me most about the column is the OW’s self-satisfied remark that she was glad she hadn’t had kids of her own because she was saving all her maternal love for these kids.

    She’s not their mom and she never will be.

    Loving mothers don’t print articles like this in the NYT with the kids’ names in it.

    And, really, I don’t think her relationship with the cheating husband is going to last.

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