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It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like D-Day

falalalaOne of the lasting “gifts” of infidelity for me is that the holidays can’t roll around without me thinking, “Someone’s going to have a D-Day right about now.”

D-days, otherwise known as “discovery days” or “damn my life is nothing like I thought days” or “dial a lawyer now days”,  can happen anytime, but they’re more prevalent around the holidays. It’s hard for cheaters to juggle their double lives, but it’s doubly hard at the time of year that puts a premium on family togetherness. Worse, the holidays mean gift-giving. The chances of being exposed are exponentially greater.

Schmoopies will demand attention.

Chumps will stumble over receipts for gifts not intended for them.

Children will wonder where mom or dad went — and who works all day on Christmas Eve?

Somewhere a chump is exhausted doing all the holiday prep work alone and unsupported. Somewhere a chump or chump children are expressing needs and desires, putting horrible demands for kibbles upon cheaters. Oppressive demands like “be my date at the office Christmas party” or “We need to drive to my parents and open presents with the kids.”

Most frustrating of all for cheaters is that most of them will get actual time off from work. Offices shutter. Gone are the ready-made excuses for business trips, late meetings, or urgent boss requests. The lies get crazier, a bit more desperate. The disconnect wider. The neglect more obvious.

And things fall apart.

The Other Woman gets uppity. The cheater didn’t leave his family by the appointed hour. She faces another holiday of side dish status. She blows the whistle and calls the chump.

The chump wonders where his wife is. Again. He buys the GPS tracking system at the Black Friday sales.

The cheater gets sloppy. The chump discovers.

Let’s hope Santa brings every new chump a shiny, pit bull lawyer for Christmas. Let’s pray that every chumped child gets a sane parent who even with a devastated heart gives them the gift of heroically showing up and loving them through their pain.  Let’s pray for the true friends who reveal themselves as the Switzerland friends recede. Let’s give thanks for the kind stranger who leaves gifts and groceries to the suddenly single, abandoned mom.

Let’s hope all the newly minted chumps find us and find the better lives they richly deserve.

This column ran previously. Rerun because someone was up too late watching Jones win the Alabama senate seat! #ibelieveinmiracles

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    • I bought this story over a Thanksgiving once…I drove my (then little) kids and grandma to a family event 3 states away and he stayed home to “work”.

      • The mind games certainly take an ugly turn during the holidays. I know he is lying and rather than admit the lies and move on he tells more lies and then attacks my integrity/sanity or makes some wild comparison to attempt to justify his actions. That, to me, is the worst part. That someone who said they loved me is making me question myself like never before, especially during the holidays

      • Isn’t it the worst…when you replay moments like that after you know the truth? So many memories to try to forget and push away.

        • Yes, GWYG, I now remember the the Christmas Day he went home after we soon arrived as he wasn’t feeling well. Then when I rang to check on him he didn’t answer as he was ‘asleep’.

      • Drove to FL from IL with two under 10, then he met me there because he had to “work.” Got to fly. Then was a prick while there and the entire trip home.

        Let me do that trip alone for three spring breeaks and another Thanksgiving.

        Work. My ass.

        Trust. They. Suck.

    • In all fairness, I really DID work the holidays last year Christmas Eve/Christmas Day, New Years Eve/Day… and then I was let go on the last day of my 4 day break, on a Friday, January 5. Laid off for a month. Everyone but me got to celebrate their holidays off.

      • Ugh! Sunflower36…I hope you have a better job this year. How parallel to the way cheaters work! I’m sorry you were used so badly like that.

    • My Christmas Wish is for all cheaters and affair partners to have their genitals placed in a bear trap, hoisted up in a tree like a pinata, and beaten with antique coal mining equipment.

    • “Wait, you mean that cheaters aren’t really working Christmas Eve and Christmas Day????”

      Oh, they’re working. Working out better excuses. Working out a mattress and box spring with OM/OW.
      Working out how they will juggle all this crazy life stuff to keep the kibble train moving.

      Oh, you meant honest, productive work, the kind that brings in income for the family? Never mind.

      Hugs. Strength. Peace.
      aeronaut

  • This is so true. Pay attention to what happens around the holidays. My D Day was late October, but I was still filled with hopium over the holidays, but…I was prepping alone for my ex to just pop over for the main event…got exercise bands as a Christmas present…months later found a pic of him and the OW together on Christmas Eve on Instagram. Pay attention to their gross behavior over the holidays…it can move you closer to the other side.

    • Gosh, public picture? This whole post is making my heart break, I feel for anyone who I going through this now

    • My “Christmas” DDay was actually in March, but CL is dead on for the holidays being harder to mask the affair. In my case, my cheater was having a pity party about missing Christmas because he was working in Afghanistan. I surprised him with a wonderful homecoming March Christmas. I received permission for 3 nights to put all the outdoor Christmas lights back up. I bust d my ass to get all of the decorations up…again. I made a huge Christmas meal. Our oldest son snuck Hime from school for a few days with his girlfriend and was hiding in the house. Tons of gifts under the tree….and then he proceeded to treat me like shit. It was so obvious that both boys, even the oldest who hero worshipped his father, were pissed at him for treating me so bad. While the whole family was around opening gifts and excited for getting Christmas a second time, he couldn’t even be bothered to fake excitement. He refused to eat Christmas dinner with us, opting to finish his video games. Seems Shrek wasn’t happy that he wasn’t with her. So he was doing damage control. DDay was a week later. So even when it’s not the real holiday, they still manage to screw up Christmas until you divorce them and go out and make new, wonderful memories. So happy to finally have my Christmases back and only pleasant, stress-free memories to push the unpleasant ones aside. Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life!

      • That’s some amazing effort on your part to do all that for him. Turns out he didn’t deserve any of that extra effort. You deserved better.

      • I have so many moments I can recall, of my STBXH’s bad attitude, that I now know were all because I was interrupting his rendezvous with his whore. How dare I prevent him from doing what he wanted to do!? How dare I actually ask and practically beg for him to come home and spend time watching a movie with the family? Only to make me regret it completely because he’s in such a horrible, woe-is-me mood. Then immediately after the movie’s over, he has to go out for something he forgot at the store.

        So glad he’s off living in his own place now.

    • MyIntuitionWasRight:

      Ditto for me. XH dropped the D-Day bomb in mid-October and 3 days later, he moved out while I was at church. I was still shell-shocked at Thanksgiving and spent the day (previously, my favorite holiday) totally alone. Then Christmas rolled around.. all of our kids said they would be in town, so I invited XH to join us. He said he didn’t want to stay at the house, so he got a room at a nearby hotel. He joined us for 2 meals but the tension was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. XH literally ate his meals with his head down, never said a word to anyone, and escaped back to his hotel as soon as possible. I kept wondering why he even agreed to come if he was going to act that way. One of our sons asked XH if he could join him at the hotel so they’d have time to catch up. XH said yes, but once they arrived at the hotel, XH changed into his pajamas, got in bed, turned the light out, and went to sleep, stranding my son there with nothing to do and no one to talk to. That was the last time I invited XH to join us for anything.

      Of course, Debbie Does Dallas was enjoying the holidays with her own husband, children and grandchildren, and those poor people were completely oblivious to the fact that she’d already been sleeping with my husband for at least 6 months. Her family didn’t experience their own D-Day for 2 more years!

      Try as I might, I’ve not been able to enjoy the holidays since. Each year, I seem to decorate less than the year before; last year, I gave away at least half of the holiday decorations we’d accumulated over 40 years, and this year, I stopped right after putting a wreath on the front door. Maybe someday, I’ll get my holiday mojo back, but since my kids are never here on the holiday itself, I see no point in decorating the house just for me; I don’t care enough to go to all that trouble.

      • Thank you for sharing. The selfishness of these pricks is too much for warm blooded people to comprehend! I ended up moving out and have a brand new tree with new ornaments!

      • That’s cool. I really scaled back the holiday decor in my space, too. Just not really feeling it. This gaining a life deal is about finding out what we truly want. What works for us, what energizes us. Like you, I’m open to the possibility of holiday mojo coming back someday, but not today. I prefer to celebrate this season by reading good books I’ve been putting off.

    • Mine was late October also! Seems a bit common. Then Christmas time was the proof after Wreckonciliation. What a freak the way he torchered me with Cheater weirdness. Ugh.

      • Chalk me up for another late October DDay, weird. Tried to hold it together through the holidays for the kids. I should have known it was doomed when Assholio looked around at us after Christmas, and said, “well, that’s wasn’t so bad.” Like he was surprised that we were actually tolerable compared to his whore.

    • I remember the Christmas season long ago when my son was just 3 mos. old. I had scheduled a portrait picture of us three and was very excited. I bought a special little outfit for our son in royal blue velvet with suspenders and a boy tie. My husband showed up wanting it over and done with quickly. He turned to me and said, “Well, I showed up.” He was then out of there and back to work. I wanted to kind of linger around the Mall and maybe have lunch with him. Nope! It was a year later and he was in full affair mode with his office manager. My son is now 22. Every time I look at that picture, I recall my husband’s glib pronouncement that he ‘showed up’ and had done his part. Unfortunately, I spent two decades doing a whole lot of spackling thereafter and mental gymnastics. Sigh.. Yet, I have so much clarity now- I did not then. Also, a lot more courage and resolve to stop loving an empty vessel.

      • Things do become clearer don’t they. This is my first Christmas after D day. But last year around this time he was already involved with OW. we were visiting my family and he was just a total jerk. This year started on a downhill spyral and with me confused and totally distraught at seeing my marriage crumble around me and not being able to pick up the pieces fast enough to put it together. I too spackled a lot and got played like a fiddle. And now nearly a year later I see it all. And I see how I got played and it infuriates me for allowing it. I worked so hard at trying to make.him happy while he stood in the sidelines doing nothing. Telling me he just didn’t have the energy nor the desire to work on the marriage but I would not give up. I found out by his own admission on March after I demanded an answer. Of course he played the victim. Just like you say I now have the courage and resolve tok stop loving an empty vessel.

  • Why did they all say they are working on Christmas eve?! I would call stbxh out on that lie immediately before we separated.

    Last year we had a court order finally. So he had Xmas eve from the morning until 6:30pm. I brought the kids to his parent’s house for his visit. He showed up for his parent’s Christmas eve party at 6:00pm. My older two children had spent a few hours prior asking where he was and why he was missing the party. He arrived in nice jeans and a button up shirt but claimed he was working outside in the cold and snow. Sure.

    Then he had the nerve to lie to the children about Christmas gifts he got them but never gave them and beg me to allow him to come to my house for Christmas morning. No thanks. That didn’t happen last year and won’t happen this year.

    May our holidays be merry and cheater free!

  • The OW wrote to me on Christmas morning of our planned gender reveal to expose my spouse’s secret affair.

    (And she told my ex what she did, so he tampered with the messages and they didn’t come through until later. But just reading all those dozens of messages and knowing it was her intent to hurt a pregnant mother with 3 preschoolers on Christmas morning is really difficult for me.)

    And while I’d obviously much rather know about the affair so I could make informed decisions with accurate information, her messages were so unkind, bullying, and unnecessarily pornographic.

    No M’am, I don’t want to know how many times you “got off” or how sore your bottom is…

    And while I realize the affair is very much so mostly my former spouse’s betrayal to me (she’s the type of OW who doesn’t feel any female solidarity) it is difficult to wrap my mind around the OW’s decision to not only intentionally hurt me on Christmas morning- but during a gender reveal as well.

    Happy Holidays to CL and CN! I am so thankful for this wonderful community. ❤️

    • I hope you have found the peace and happiness you are due.
      They suck.
      They really, really suck!
      I hope they stay together a long time as impression management and make each other miserable.

    • Stalked, you were abused by these heinous POD “people.”

      I hope this year is filled with peace, and love, and laughter! Not a cheater in sight.

    • Boy, that really makes me hate them both on your behalf. I would call them slime mold but that would be an insult to slime mold everywhere.

    • That OW is filth, even more than the usual. I feel hatred for her just reading your post. I sincerely hope she is still with your ex, because she is guaranteed to eventually make his life a living hell.

      • Yeah – they can be.

        Mme YogaPants – my STBX – was OW to a married police officer and once bragged to me about how she called his wife to gloat on how she was screwing her husband. That was a couple of months in to our relationship but before I had proposed. I should have run then.

        Oh – and she kept trophies from that relationship in a box that I hated for the next nearly 30 years.

      • GladIt’sOver,

        I have no idea if they are together. I certainly didn’t know while we were married, living together, and going to ultrasounds together.

        I am also so glad it’s over! Happy Holidays to you!

    • Stalked

      When I see the type of person it takes to send a pregnant mother of three young children messages like the ones you recieved, i think, THIS is what the EX chose.

      Dodged a huge fucking bullet right there. To think any human being has this capability is sickening.

      And years out truthfully -no one really cares other than Chumps. Sorry you had to suffer through this.

      He allowed that; the one who should have been there.

      He doesn’t get to control you anymore. Wishing you peace.

  • Sweet home Alabama!! I’m so glad we don’t have to hang our heads in shame this morning!

    My ex moved out on Thanksgiving Day while I took my kids to see my parents. He didn’t come because he had to “work.” When we got home he was putting his last load in the car. He said: You knew I was moving out.

    No. No, I didn’t. And then I had to tell the kids.

  • Last year we bought tickets to his work Christmas party and I bought a dress. He decided to punish me for working late before year end. A time of year i have no choice but to do a few late days to end my year strong. He wanted my income and bonus but also required me to be home “being a wife” even if he was out. The day before he said “watch how it’s done… You’re not going”. He got dressed up and left and said he’ll tell me when he leaves to go to the bar for the after-party. Like an asshole i waited but he never told me to meet up. It was a trick so I wouldn’t go out while he was gone. If I showed up happy pretty and fun how could he continue to tell them I’m a fat ugly nag that he’s divorcing.
    His late Christmas present came a few months later… a shiny pitbull lawyer that he can play with all year long. My gift that keeps on giving. 🖕

    • Wow, I’m speechless. What a complete asshole. I’m so glad you got him that awesome late Christmas present! You are mighty!!

        • 💪we all have the mighty in us even when we think we don’t. Even if you sign the papers with a shaky hand. Still mighty.

      • Thanks 💚
        I realized after New Years last year that I just refuse to be punished anymore by my husband. He turned up the heat too much and instead of his control increasing I bolted.
        He’s still punishing me even with me not there. He’s destroying my stuff and doing everything that he knows will hurt me. No one seems to be able to help me. The legal system sucks. He’s not a regular civilian narc he knows exactly what to do. Hes got mind of a criminal and the power to get away with it.

        • My lawyer told me straight out “if you ever want to feel what injustice is, go to family court”.
          He also said “you are going to get screwed in the divorce it just matters how badly, do what I say and we will minimize the damage”.

          Basically my ex had been planning the divorce for several years and gullible trusting me walked into the trap.
          Still, I made it through and am a million times happier today and so will you. Things can be replaced and freedom from abuse and happiness are priceless. Good luck !

    • I have a friend who’s husband does this to her at every holiday! He uninvites her to his families holiday gatherings! The horrible pain she goes through every time is awful to watch. I’m sorry, I have a first hand seat to how aweful that is.

      BTW, I really don’t think her husband is cheating, he doesn’t go out ever, and when he does it’s usually with their son. I just think he’s an emotionally abusive prick.

      • Don’t be so sure. My ex was the type that was always home for dinner at 5 PM. Never went out with “the boys.” Somehow managed to fit hookers into the workday. Also, don’t assume he isn’t just taking the kids on his grownup “playdate.” After my ex left I found pictures of him, OW, my kids, and her kids, at the beach. They are disgusting.

        • My ex did all his cheating during the work day. It took me that much longer to figure out, despite having a nagging feeling. I know to trust my instincts better now.

          • Mine too. Meet ups with hookers during work hours. I sensed detachment from him and queried why he was shaving his genitals but he gaslighted and I had no idea. It was such a shock.

            • I wouldn’t have known shaved junk was a sign of hookers during work. I hope it didn’t take a long time for you to find out the truth after your gut feeling.

              • Part of how exciting I am includes that I read a lot of historical fiction from the “age of sail” 😛

                From what I have read it was a practice sometimes for new recruits to be shaved completely to keep the lice population down …..

                Just sayin …

          • Same here. My Ex is a home repair handyman and he fucks women and men in their homes that he is working in. Always home by 5, actually was always home whenever I got home from work. So many times as I neared our house in my car I would pray he wasn’t home yet so I could have half an hour of peace alone. Walking on eggshells every day as I never knew how bad of a mood he would be in. So glad that shit is out of my life now.

            • Mine is a firefighter/ paramedic. He’s an officer so he has his own private room when he would work a 24 hour shift.
              He had sex there many times…..and my “friends” at the station knew it.
              Bro code was more important than telling me.
              It’s the OW’s problem now.

    • May I present Exhibit A, ladies and gentlemen? Proof that he SUCKS!!!!! (Otherwise known as a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist with borderline personality disorder, no empathy or compassion). Nothing to work with.

      • When it’s so bad that you can’t even spackle or make excuses for the behavior…. you’re right, it’s a cluster B, and there’s nothing to work with.

    • That’s horrible, WhatRing. I hope your STBX enjoys that pitbull lawyer of yours!

      I know a chump whose cheating H did ask her to come to the holiday party where the married OW would be. He asked her to wear her frumpiest dress (presumably to advertise to the OW what a deficient wife he had). Cruel, just cruel.

      • Absolutely horrible. The opposite of a spouse. To set you up to be inferior… I mean it’s hard to even comprehend. Twisted ass backwards soul suckers.

        I’ve reached another inner ring of hell. I have satisfaction that he hates my lawyer more than anyone on the planet 😃… but he’s upping his evil to match her force. She told me she’s having a blast. Me not so much.

  • Two weeks after Dday last year my wife planned a Xmas Sing along at a senior home last year with our daughter, Mr. Cockinpants, his daughter, and the rest of the girls teammates. They sang while Mr.C played the piano.

    Fa la la la la, fuck them both!

  • Stalked….he’s awful and so is she, but if she’s anything like the schmoopie in my scenario she doesn’t think she’s awful (and neither does he unless it’s to fane remorse to get something.)
    I wish directions to this website were given to people on their wedding day. Like….”we hope you never need it, but just Incase…”
    I had no idea holiday d days were a thing. I know that my ex almost ALWAYS fought with me on Christmas to the point that he could storm out and leave. Hindsight….
    My dickhead ex let me make a beautiful dinner for our family on New Years Eve. He ate it, told our kids to clear the table, asked if he could talk to me for a second…..then took me In our bedroom, closed the door, and asked me for divorce.
    17 years married, 20 together.
    Boom.
    3 years and a good atty later and I have a much better life. I’m glad he’s gone. He’s another awful person and so is she. May she stay long enough to get the other half and leave him living in s refrigerator box.#myxmaswish.
    3 preschoolers and your gender reveal on Christmas and that’s when she chooses to tell you???? Just wow.
    I hate them for you. I wish you and your kids a Merry Asshole free Christmas.

    • Paintwidow I always wondered why the Worm was in such a foul mood around every holiday.
      Now it all makes sense!
      He would always disappear to “go pick up a few things” leaving me to do everything.
      Reading all of these stories makes me realize how long his cheating went on.

      • OMG! Best wish ever! Thank you for that, I’m going to put it on a big poster in my house to remind myself how lucky I am!

  • I pray regularly that good chumps everywhere find this wonderful place.

    For any who do so today I want you to know it gets better. You don’t think it can possibly get better but it does. Once the disorder is out of your life it becomes filled with peace and truth. Those are good things. They are wonderful things. Yes, it will hurt like hell for awhile but then it will get better. Then you do some work on yourself and it can be incredible.

    My D-Day was on my birthday, a little different than Christmas but still a day you want to remember. I never thought that I could enjoy my birthday again, but over two years out and I am here to tell you I had the most wonderful birthday .this year, better than any I had with Narkles the Clown in my life. My holidays are also better than any I had with him in my life. So much less stressful! I can’t believe how easy the holidays can be. Decades of not understanding how people can find this time of year so great. Now that the disorder is out of my life I get it. I can enjoy it. You will too!

    • Mine told me he was leaving me on my 49th birthday. The next year, I was dating a man who blew off my 50th birthday and then blamed me for it.

      We aren’t dating any more.

    • Alloutofkibble…#metoo for birthday ruined. My dday was the next day, but I discovered why he never answered my texts on bday, because sexting the skank took priority…they met…at our house…complete with this shit: 😍😍 sprinkled all over their mushy messages. He’s 64 and acted like he didn’t know how to text or use Fb. She was 45, married, worked for cheaterpants & dresses like she’s 14, posts snapchat pics like one, too.
      Happy frigging birthday, right? I’m sorry yours was screwed, too, Allout. But now, I’m looking at it like I started my next year of life with endless possibilities now that that 220# cinderblock is no longer chained to my ankles! I had no idea how oppressive he was in all facets of my life until he was gone. I’m starting to feel like Scrooge when he realizes he’s still alive & has the power to change his future. Thank God for CL & CN.

      • Omg! This!
        “my next year of life with endless possibilities now that that 220# cinderblock is no longer chained to my ankles! I had no idea how oppressive he was in all facets of my life until he was gone. I’m starting to feel like Scrooge when he realizes he’s still alive & has the power to change his future. Thank God for CL & CN.”

        Yes! 👋

  • Mine ruined thanksgiving . Christmas was awful since he wanted to come “home” and spend it with me and my kids( whatever you say Oliveman). Don’t let him come back for Christmas. Let schmoopie have him!!

  • Funny, he promised to help me with all the greenery that we put on the outside of our house with lights. He came home so drunk he was unable to even move off of the couch. I ended up doing it with my kids. They both asked him why he didn’t think he could help- he couldn’t answer, was so drunk. Loser. The next year after he moved out the ex took the kids on a fancy Hawaiian vacation at the time of our final mediation which was week of Christmas. I’ll never forget being able to call him on the 23rd to try to figure out final deliberations and nailing him so hard with all of the facts I kept secret. At that point he didn’t even know how much data I really had on him. Turned out to be awesome and my lawyer did a great job getting me what I needed for my family and I removed forward, free of his toxic waste lifestyle.

    • *family and I as we moved forward.. but I do like how autocorrect used “removed”, because that’s what we do, we REMOVE the toxic waste from our lives and move on!

  • The Edgar Suit and I started dating at Christmas in 1982, got engaged at Christmas in 1987, and had “our” first DDay when I found OWs contact info in his address book when I was addressing our family Christmas cards in 2007. My biggest regret is that I pick-me danced another 4 years before DDay #2 and smoked the Hopium for ANOTHER 2 years after that. Don’t be like me. Trust that they suck as soon as they show their true colors and get yourself started on the road to meh. This is the first Christmas I’ve truly felt like myself and not a sad zombie going through a minimal amount of motions for the sake of my kids.

    For all those Chumps going through this hell for the first time or the tenth time, bless you, stay strong and know that life truly, truly is better when you leave a cheater. You don’t just gain a life, you get YOU back and that is precious. {{{hugs}}}

  • Thanksgiving 2 years ago – yearly camping trip – he was nasty and texting Ow. They’d been sleeping together a few months by then. Our daughter would want attention but he was too busy going out to do his new hobby of taking pictures (sleeping with ow). His family came for Christmas (which he wanted to cancel) and he sulked the whole time. We crowded around the table – there was no room for him so he had to sit by the stove. He was so mad that he was forced away from sitting at the table.

    How ironic.

    He was kicked out on Jan 11th and the locks changed.

    Divorce being finalized now.

  • I recall a study from a while ago that indicated statistically that just prior to holidays such as Christmas and Valentines was the most common time for break-ups to happen. In part so that people get out of having to buy a gift as well as the reasons that Tracy mentions. In my case it was my birthday when Mme told me she was leaving but not why. I had to find that out for myself. Oh – and I got a generic card and my cake was cupcakes from the grocery store.

    The subject of bull-dog lawyers prompted me to post – albeit slightly off topic. Mme got herself a pit-bull who was indeed a very formidable woman. They aren’t to be feared – they are just bullies. Since IRL I will occasionally deal with aggressive, unreasonable people it was actually somewhat entertaining going eyebrow to eyebrow with her. As a tip and I have no idea if this actually “worked” or not, I tried to undermine her relationship with her client by identifying items where Mme had lied to her own lawyer and also that she was Mme’s 4th lawyer. I was told by my own lawyer (they all know each other) that her counterpart didn’t try nearly as hard for her client as she would have usually. I tried to not be too push about it, just a couple of side comments as I didn’t want her to lose yet another lawyer and have to start all over again.

    As far as the “eyebrow to eyebrow” thing goes, it helped that I was prepared and nearly 2 years out from DDay. If it had happened a year previously, I would have been a blubbering mess.

    Pre – Merry Christmas to all! My tree is up although the decorations are sparse because I split them after last year giving any of the “us” decorations to Mme. Today I sign the papers to transfer the house title into just my name. The cats are snoozing in a warm spot, my son is still snoring in his room after a long shift at work.

    Life is good and even though I am having some difficulties as this season rolls through as most of us do.

    I honestly don’t know what Mme is up to this season. Last year I’m pretty sure she and her guy were not together although she love-bombed him into submission in the new year. As far as evidence points, she’s spending a second Christmas alone in her apartment having been demoted to “side piece” by her guy as far as I can tell. But – I don’t know that and it’s none of my “affair”. The woman that used to post all the details of her life online has been silent since Mother’s Day 2016 other than “poor me” memes.

    • I love how you describe your peaceful life now. Your snoozing son is lucky to have a sane, cat-loving, Christmas decorating guy like you. Your stock trades high and a lot of wonderful women of integrity will bring their ornaments to fill in your tree when the fates allow.

    • So mighty, BowTie!

      Love that you let Mme’s lawyer know just what kind of lowlife she had for a client. Well played!

    • Enjoy your cheater-free Christmas, Bowtie! Oh, and you just reminded me about cheater when you mentioned getting a generic card. In the love-bombing stage, XH’s letters, cards, and even personalized marriage vows were so long, detailed, incredible and romantic. During the devalue and discard phase, the few cards that I did receive kept getting shorter and more generic. That was also a major sign that things weren’t right.

    • Bow tie,

      Great post! Now, get yourself and the kids to the store and buy a few new ornaments. They don’t have to be expensive, just things you like. Or make your own. Changing the decorations on the tree with your kids helps you all reclaim it as YOUR holiday.

      I take fake poinsettia bushes, cut them to individual stems and fill in the blank spaces. It looks great, is cheap, and makes it mine. Third year out and nothing reminds me of Mr Bah Humbug anymore. The kids and I replaced everything, little by little, until it is just ours again.

      To all new Chumps, it will get so much better. Take back your holidays, birthdays and special memories by eradicating all signs of the Cheater.

      • Same here, Special Snowflake ha!
        Third Christmas since D-Day/divorce (within 6 months of each other, gotta love Alabama divorce court) that I have been Evil One-cheater free.
        I have always been a decorator for Christmas, putting out all kinds of knick-knacks, Santa pics of my kids through the years, festive crap around the house. This year’s tree will be full of Dollar Tree ornaments since DD loves to rearrange them daily. I haven’t set it up this year yet ’cause I’ve been lazy, but if I keep it up until Easter, oh well. I don’t have that bastard Evil One bah-humbugging skulking around
        .the last Christmas we were together (I didn’t know it was our last one) his parents didn’t send me a single present, not even a card….he acted pissed, but loved the $500 new set of tires for his Shit-erado they bought him. They actually sent DD a set of bedroom decor and bathroom decor from a Disney movie —- seriously, not one single toy (she was 6). Honestly, who sends a six-year-old bedroom and bathroom decor?!?!
        I honestly don’t think there was anything under the tree that morning for me from him, I think he bought me a blanket a few days later, can’t remember…

        D-Day was in the following March, two weeks after my birthday in which he bought me a super-nice, full of loving sentiments signed I love you”

        Every year, he would send an 100-item list for his “Christmas wish list” out to his family and post on his Facebook page and expected each and every item under the tree..he would actually say to me that I “should know” what to get him…I wanted to scream, “how bout a job you’ll keep for more than 6 months, eh??? Think I can wrap that one up???” Never did dare, but still…

        I’ve made a few wreaths for myself, and they are out.
        I’ll set up the tree

        After DDay I found out from one of his family members that he had been telling his parents and people I didn’t know that I had agreed to divorce, etc. Therefore, his parents decided not to send me anything. For the record, I was totally clueless.

        My DDay was beyond compare…for most of the Chump Nation vets, I’m sure you’re familiar with my story, for the newbies, I’ll try to be brief:

        The short version is that one Saturday night, he left me and DD to go to a”bonfire truckers wake” for a fellow trucker at work that died suddenly and unexpectedly. He also left his laptop up and openly running— I decided to dig around into his computer and he was in real-time chatting on Facebook messenger with a woman that I knew telling her that he was leaving me soon and getting his own place, among other things. I also got into his email, and saw that he had been sending requests for sex to Craigslist sex ads, as well as messages out to realtors…I copied and pasted everything I could and put it all on a jump drive. I went to do something and when I went back to the email account, I saw that everything had been deleted from his Inbox, but not his sent file, Idiot.
        I didn’t confront nor crumble. That Monday, I changed my insurance beneficiaries, my lawyer, etc. I got my ducks in a row…. A week later, he hacked into my computer and saw that I knew. He denied everything, and when I went to show him on his computer the sent messages, he slammed his laptop shut saying he wasn’t doing this, that he was done.
        He moved out a month later to his slut-shack—- two weeks after I had had an abdominal hysterectomy and hernia repair surgery back-to-back, but came back a few days later and I fell for his “I love you…I’m sorry I hurt you…” so I let him back in. It didn’t go well.

        I found out that he didn’t have the money to turn on the gas for his slut-shack’s hot water heater, so… Yep, you guessed it. He played me for hot water.

        During this wreckonciliation, I asked him about his laptop, and he admitted to me:
        (Brace yourselves chumps)
        He had been watching me discover his cheating and plans to leave me. He activated his laptops webcam on his phone and he watched me discover that my husband of 13 years was not only a cheater, but also quite evil.
        It took everything in me not to explode, but I feigned feeling I’ll from surgery and went to “take a bath”. I suddenly felt quite filthy and dirty.
        Needless to say, wreckonciliation didn’t last much longer after that. I tossed him out a few days later.
        Two and a half years later, I can honestly say that the pain I felt back then has evaporated.
        I re-claimed my space, my self, my sense of self-worship. Everything good and clean and happy.
        You’ll get there!
        If you’re already there, chumps, cheers!!!

        • Hi Unsinkable Molly! God your ex is an evil bastard. I feel for you. So very glad that you have gotten him out of your life and reclaimed it beautifully!

      • That is some siiick shit. He left the computer out for bait and then watched your face (through the webcam) as you read and discovered the emails?
        What kind of f-ed up emotional voyeurism is that?!?!? Every cell in my body is creeped out right now. That is 10x worse than the toilet cam guys.

        • Same here, Special Snowflake ha!
          Third Christmas since D-Day/divorce (within 6 months of each other, gotta love Alabama divorce court) that I have been Evil One-cheater free.
          I have always been a decorator for Christmas, putting out all kinds of knick-knacks, Santa pics of my kids through the years, festive crap around the house. This year’s tree will be full of Dollar Tree ornaments since DD loves to rearrange them daily. I haven’t set it up this year yet ’cause I’ve been lazy, but if I keep it up until Easter, oh well. I don’t have that bastard Evil One bah-humbugging skulking around
          .the last Christmas we were together (I didn’t know it was our last one) his parents didn’t send me a single present, not even a card….he acted pissed, but loved the $500 new set of tires for his Shit-erado they bought him. They actually sent DD a set of bedroom decor and bathroom decor from a Disney movie —- seriously, not one single toy (she was 6). Honestly, who sends a six-year-old bedroom and bathroom decor?!?!
          I honestly don’t think there was anything under the tree that morning for me from him, I think he bought me a blanket a few days later, can’t remember…

          D-Day was in the following March, two weeks after my birthday in which he bought me a super-nice, full of loving sentiments signed I love you”

          Every year, he would send an 100-item list for his “Christmas wish list” out to his family and post on his Facebook page and expected each and every item under the tree..he would actually say to me that I “should know” what to get him…I wanted to scream, “how bout a job you’ll keep for more than 6 months, eh??? Think I can wrap that one up???” Never did dare, but still…

          I’ve made a few wreaths for myself, and they are out.
          I’ll set up the tree

          After DDay I found out from one of his family members that he had been telling his parents and people I didn’t know that I had agreed to divorce, etc. Therefore, his parents decided not to send me anything. For the record, I was totally clueless.

          My DDay was beyond compare…for most of the Chump Nation vets, I’m sure you’re familiar with my story, for the newbies, I’ll try to be brief:

          The short version is that one Saturday night, he left me and DD to go to a”bonfire truckers wake” for a fellow trucker at work that died suddenly and unexpectedly. He also left his laptop up and openly running— I decided to dig around into his computer and he was in real-time chatting on Facebook messenger with a woman that I knew telling her that he was leaving me soon and getting his own place, among other things. I also got into his email, and saw that he had been sending requests for sex to Craigslist sex ads, as well as messages out to realtors…I copied and pasted everything I could and put it all on a jump drive. I went to do something and when I went back to the email account, I saw that everything had been deleted from his Inbox, but not his sent file, Idiot.
          I didn’t confront nor crumble. That Monday, I changed my insurance beneficiaries, my lawyer, etc. I got my ducks in a row…. A week later, he hacked into my computer and saw that I knew. He denied everything, and when I went to show him on his computer the sent messages, he slammed his laptop shut saying he wasn’t doing this, that he was done.
          He moved out a month later to his slut-shack—- two weeks after I had had an abdominal hysterectomy and hernia repair surgery back-to-back, but came back a few days later and I fell for his “I love you…I’m sorry I hurt you…” so I let him back in. It didn’t go well.

          I found out that he didn’t have the money to turn on the gas for his slut-shack’s hot water heater, so… Yep, you guessed it. He played me for hot water.

          During this wreckonciliation, I asked him about his laptop, and he admitted to me:
          (Brace yourselves chumps)
          He had been watching me discover his cheating and plans to leave me. He activated his laptops webcam on his phone and he watched me discover that my husband of 13 years was not only a cheater, but also quite evil.
          It took everything in me not to explode, but I feigned feeling I’ll from surgery and went to “take a bath”. I suddenly felt quite filthy and dirty.
          Needless to say, wreckonciliation didn’t last much longer after that. I tossed him out a few days later.
          Two and a half years later, I can honestly say that the pain I felt back then has evaporated.
          I re-claimed my space, my self, my sense of self-worship. Everything good and clean and ha

        • Sorry about posting the same thing twice, dunno how I did that.

          Yeah, creepy and sick bastard the exh is known around these here parts as The Evil One.

          Three months straight today no child support, but I am A-OK.
          He is a sick bastard, his OWIFE, Mrs. Dumb-Ass can have him. He married her less than 60 days after our divorce was final.
          As of this moment, I still haven’t been introduced to her, she won’t even look my way at pick-up and drop-off

  • In the middle of a false reconciliation,my ex didn’t turn up for an extended family Christmas as he was “busy”. I was literally 9 months pregnant,with a two and a four year old. It was horrible,I kept waddling up the driveway in tears looking for his truck to appear like an abandoned dog. We wound up back together for a more wretched gaslit years(where passive aggressive victim mistress was apparently contacting him at EVERY family Christmas without me knowing for YEARS)but I never did find out what (or who)he was up to that awful sobbing Christmas.

  • Stage 3 Breast Cancer
    31 years old
    4 weeks post mastectomy
    2 days post first chemo
    11 pm Christmas Eve
    Setting up Christmas for our 7 children

    Ex sees a screwdriver set I got for him (we weren’t supposed to exchange gifts—his idea)
    I am cussed out and he is so angry he leaves home
    I finish Christmas setup alone—unsure if this is my last one on earth—for my sweet children
    Ex prances back home in the morning when the children waken
    I actually felt bad for innocently breaking the no gift idea CHUMP ME!!
    That was my Christmas 30 years ago
    Christmas now: cancer free and loser free
    All adult children and grandchildren together with me
    Loser has schmoopie #3 and no one else
    Lose a cheater— gain a life
    Not easy—but SO worth it!!
    Merry Christmas!!!

    • Oh my God….that is ghastly.
      So glad that you are well now and kicking it. Them pulling stunts like that…abject cruelty and manipulation of a spouse who loves and needs them so they can feign disgust and leave to so fuck someone…I really believe they will be held accountable by their Maker.

    • Still Reelin,

      Oh my God! I have no words! I hate your loser as much as I hate mine. Isn’t it so typical how they can turn the cards upside down on you, make a drama out of your good deed (present) because it presents a golden chance to “punish you” and leave at a time when he is most needed. And also leave you wondering and feeling guilty for your thoughtful actions. Planting the seeds of doubt in your head where you question your own values and goodwill because you “agreed” on something.

      I thought this was in my life only and because I “didn’t appreciate him and could not figure out how to behave myself so he would approve.” The first year into our marriage I arranged for a surprise dinner in a nice restaurant on the river for his birthday with a gift certificate to his beloved bookstore – he was so awkward. He told me to stop showing any special attention to him for his birthday because he “never received attention and felt very awkward”. He had me promise this to him: treat his bday and all occasions as any other day. In the hindsight I now realize why he ruined my every bday, mother’s day, christmases and new years. He did not want attention from me because it justified to starve me of his attention on all those occasions, to punish me for my never ending expectations and enjoy seeing his power over me after I cried on each of those occasions for 12 years. I convinced myself it was just him and his FOOs and I just had to learn to live with it. It was such a strong conviction in my head and the desire to justify his actions was so omnipotent that when he arranged for a ski trip in europe during my planned c-section, I was ok with it (!!!!)

      I re-started my “nagging” for his attention around christmas 2015 when he would dedicate 2-3 hours pre-holidays to call and email a long list of people except do anything for me. His answer always was that these people he needed for business or other things so he had to maintain the relationship. Not with the wife though. She is there silent on her shelf, always available. My comments became sarcastic, he resorted to his punishment mode, and all things fell into places on DDay shortly after the New Year in early 2016.

      This is when I discovered he took his 12-year AP around a tour of egypt for 2 weeks for her bday. Plus other gifts and trips throughout years that spanned our entire marriage.

      Until I started reading here and saw they really exist in millions, the cheater breed…

      I am so happy you lost a loser! Enjoy your double cancer-free life!
      (Hugs)

    • Still Reelin–so glad you have gained a life; may your X develop internal parasites that bore through him, painfully.

    • Omg! I can’t even……Still Reelin, there is a special place in hell for your X.

      I hope this season is filled with love and peace for you. Huge hugs💖💖💖💖

  • I found the texts between my husband and his fuckbuddy on our iPad Christmas Morning, while in another state, just minutes before heading to my families celebration. (He had to work, so of course he couldn’t come! Wasn’t even an hour after I left that he sent the “I shipped the wife off, wanna come over?” text. Still makes me sick to think of the hugs, kisses and “I love you, miss you already” I got before I drove off. )

    I made it through the kids opening presents – and then had to make my excuses to get the hell out before I broke down (without telling anyone of course, because why should I ruin everyone else’s Christmas just because my husband is a fuckwit)

    Three years out – I can finally enjoy the holiday again.

  • Christmas is so fucking hard for me because that’s when my now ex reconnected with his ex-girlfriend… and kept up contact in a ‘more than just friends’ way. So this post makes so much sense.

    We were in a long distance relationship and I couldn’t afford to visit him at Christmas (as I’d exhausted all my leaves… and my money… to come and visit him in his country repeatedly throughout the year) and in any case, during previous Christmases at his, I found it difficult to cope with his very strict parents – he would not defend me and even though I tried my best to please them I always felt like a naughty kid stepping out of line instead of a young professional woman who was getting to know a different culture (I am Muslim and he is Christian).

    Last December he was flush with the success of becoming a doctor (PhD) and landing a very well paid job straight after (I had helped him at every step, at the cost of my own career, family and finances) and I suppose he no longer needed me as I am a very difficult person (my family situation is messy ie Christmases have always been lonely and when my mother died my emotional demands grew).

    I am trying hard not to imagine him enjoying a happy Christmas with his family and OW… and I’m wondering if things would have been different if I had gone to his place for Christmas. Maybe he wouldn’t have reconnected with her if I had. The regret and what-ifs might kill me.

    • He shouldn’t have pretended he wanted to be with you if he didn’t. There is no amount of difficult your life can be to justify a person lying to you and sneaking around to betray you. None.

      I am so sorry he did this to you. And I think if a person has this in his character, he was going to do it at some point anyway. I don’t think you did anything to cause this in him. After all, you didn’t mimic his behavior and you were without companionship, too, right?

      Go easy on your poor hurting heart as much as you can. I and most of us know the feelings you describe about what-ifs. You deserved, and deserve, better than a person betraying your trust and using your good nature to do it.

      His cruelty is not your fault.

    • His parents are unkind, and he is an entitled cheater.

      A man who wants to be with you, will be. Your ex is an opportunistic asshole, not a man who loves.

      Let me remind you, that when it comes to having a relationship with a cheater, there is nothing you can do, or should do, or not do, that will prevent them from doing what they do, and that is cheat when they want to. Your only mistake is in believing in a cheater.

      Find a GOOD man, one who loves you unequivocally. That’s what you should have. Not the far-away loser.

      Hugs!

    • Chumpeter, sweetheart, you did NOTHING to make him choose to act this way. It’s all on him. He is a bad person, plain and simple. Selfish to the core. No empathy. I presume you were “spared” the hell of having children with him? If so, I’m glad you’ll never know the agony of your children crying for a daddy who devalued and abandoned them for a whore.

      It will get better and someday you will see the near-miss you had with this evil person.

  • LOL!!!

    Thank you Tracy for the Merry Christmas gift!!

    And yes, the teen molester did not get elected. Good job Americans from Alabama. And now that we as a nation are talking about the stench of sexual predation, harassment, and abuse, can the next gift to the nation be the reveal and denouncement of infidelity?!

    Chump Nation, raising my cup of No Contact to you, for a Christmas toast: May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be cheater-free.

  • Yep…D-Day right before Christmas.

    Worse…on my Hero’s birthday.

    Today is the anniversary of my D-day. It is also my Dad’s birthday. He would have been 75 today. Cheaters steal more than anyone realizes.

    My Dad was a MAN. A real man. He was a Texas State Trooper who devoted his life to public service. He was the definition of integrity, character, and respect. I didn’t know until his funeral that he was a responder when that psycho was shooting out of the tower at the University of Texas.

    But, more than anything, I remember how he treated my Mom. I thought every marriage was like my parent’s marriage.

    So, today, I get to call my Mom and listen to her cry. I’ll get to hear her stories and memories. Even the one when she was 18 and met the “boy who looked so sizzling hot in that Marine uniform.”

    To all you cheaters and affair partners on my Dad’s birthday:

    Fuck you

    • SuperDuperChump,

      I know what you mean about your Dad being your hero. Mine was also “the definition of integrity, character, and respect.”

      The Python pretended to think highly of my father too; of course that was all bs to make me think he too was a man of character. And he turned out to be anything but.

      I hope today isn’t too tough on you and your Mom. I miss my Dad so much too. Big hugs.

      (((SuperDuperChump)))

    • I’m so sorry for your loss of your dear father! My father was also my hero, and he died and I realized how empty my life with XH really was. On what would have been my dad’s next birthday I sent my cheater an email, telling him I was finally done, after multiple d-days and pain. I know my dad would have been proud of me for taking a stand and ending the abuse. Within a month, information I needed for the divorce miraculously fell into my lap and I knew that my dad was watching over me from heaven. He and my mom were happily married for over 60 years, and I can’t think of a single time he caused pain to anyone. My dad was a real hero, and I am not even counting the Silver Star, Purple Hearts, Bronze Stars and more. He was a kind, happy, loving person. I (and we all!) need and deserve that kind of relationship!

    • Virtual glass raised in tribute to your dad.

      And a Grand FU to the assholes we know intimately.

      This is your Reclaim Day.

    • Happy Birthday to your Dad, Super Duper. My Dad was also my hero, and he left me a very special present. He died on the anniversary of my wedding to the Fucktard. That was kind; I already hated that day on the calendar.

  • It has always bothered me that stbx never felt guilt for using out of town business trips as an excuse to sleep with sex workers. My mind could never get around the lack of integrity of basically having his company pay the hotel bill for his escapades. As if I should expect some who cheats to have the slightest bit of integrity anyway! Hey, in my defense it takes time to stop believing in unicorns!

    Reading this I literally had a lightbulb moment … how the hell else are they going to find an excuse to skip out on time they are expected to be around? There is going to be some other chump out there this holiday grappling with the same dissonance. My advise, stop trying to figure out if they have a sliver of integrity- they don’t!

    If the cheating were about something you did to cause them to cheat, then they must have integrity in other areas of their life right?

    A) they lie to you
    B) they lie to affair partner
    C) they lie to friends/ work/ coworkers
    D) they lie to Family/ children
    E) all of the above

    The answer is E! That isn’t a temporary loss of integrity, that’s a character issue. They have no integrity!

    • Very good point. If cheating were about something the spouse did or failed to do, then what explains the deceit they directed toward everyone else? It’s not about the spouse, it’s solely about character. And the character disordered will always fabricate a blame shifting justification for themselves. Blame of the spouse is just the inevitable lie at the end of a long series of lies directed everywhere.

    • It’s also embezzlement from his employer. As what would pad extra days into his trips for important hook ups with his MOWS, co workers and actual paid sex workers.

  • My ex on Christmas day, received 28 phone calls in the morning. He refused to answer the phone. In the afternoon he said “the kids have got their toys, can I go out, your going to stop me aren’t you”. I was naive, saying were are you going too. He didn’t actually go out. The relationship got alot worse. Fortunately were not together anymore. Still hurts after 6 years

  • Having just put a 10,000 dollar deposit to builder for her dream home, we were going out to show off the new Place to family. During trip, she ended up in another car and had left her phone with me. Looking at the phone, there were very graphic messages leading up to their last hook up three days before. DDay Christmas Day 2014!

      • My D-Day was 12/31/14 when I found a note from OW saying how she loved him blah blah. I held it together for a New Year’s eve dinner with friends then confronted him. He had the nerve to tell me it was from one of his clients (he’s a therapist and ironically the OW is a psychologist). I knew then for sure as it confirmed a couple months of suspicion. I played along for a few more weeks to get my ducks in a row even though I remember crumbling inside and trying so hard to keep it together for the kids. Hard to believe that was 3 years ago. I’m better in many ways but still feel like I have PTSD. It does help to know I’m not alone.

  • D day was in July but oh the Christmases before and after sucked mightily.

    The one before was filled with gaslighting..he acted so fucking mean but if asked about it, he gave hollow reassurances then returned to meanness. I had started a new job caring for dying children (no stress there) I had all of Christmas to prepare for and he got VERY fussy about the house…anything out of place would result in anger from him.

    Christmas Day I had done ALL the mom tasks to an extreme…dinner was finished, kitchen shining and perfect…the whole house was perfect but my personal desk was a mess (it always is) so he decided that I needed to be punished so he swept everything from the huge desk into a pile on the floor and walked away leaving it for me to find. Of course I dare not give him any flack over it after months of eggshell walking. He had free reign to be as big of an asshole as he wanted to be since I was willing to tolerate ANYTHING to keep my family together. Asshole

    • Unicorn, if I could stab your dead rotten cheater in his heart, I would! But he is either rotten 6 feet under or in ashes already. Sounds like a punishment mine would do to me and I would abide.

      If it’s any consolation, you should see mine being exceptionally polite and charming at times. Not that it works now. He does the typical switch between his 3 channels of rage, charm and self-pity – but it’s only thanks to this site that I am educated now and my powers are back!

    • Unicorn, I think your cheater might be sitting in that special place in hell reserved for the profoundly evil. He’s probably keeping cheater ex company.

      Xmas theme song…..Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…….

  • This is my fourth Christmas alone. The divorce was finalized two years ago and the cheater has remarried the affair partner this year. And it still hurts at holiday time. Not because I want him back, but because it’s just not normal to have a fractured family. And I think people feel that more so during the holidays.

    But there’s always hope and blessings beyond the tragedy. I’m thinking of all the people who are going through a DDay right now. May the Lord bring them strength and comfort. I am so unbelievably thankful for Tracy, this site and all of CN! There is so much healing here! There’s a future and a hope coming, newbies! Hang in there!!!

    • StartOfSomethingGood,

      My heart goes out to you, as I know how painful it can be at Christmas time to be alone. On top of it the media relentlessly bombards you with songs and ‘perfect family’ images and expectations… My ex-boyfriend used to make me feel shit about my own broken family, as if it was a personal flaw. So some of my Christmases were spent in abject lonely rumination, where I would feel utterly heartbroken that he was surrounded by the love of his family underneath the twinkling Christmas tree while I sat alone in an empty house, wondering when this festive season would be over.

      But there are three things I’m trying to tell myself:

      (1) There are a lot more broken families and lonely people out there; we just need to remove the stigma around this. The ‘perfect family holiday’ narrative to me is as damaging and counter to reality as the photoshopped, airbrushed models are to women struggling with body image.

      (2) I figured that my broken family taught me resilience, compassion, integrity and honesty. My ex came from a ‘perfect’ family yet he lied, deceived and caused pain in a cowardly manner. I know which one I would take, don’t you?

      (3) Watching Oprah videos helps – especially about ‘standing in my truth’. As if it’s not bad enough to be cheated upon, seeing the person you loved with your whole heart choose someone else is pure agony. But then again, the basis of their relationship is pain and deceit. It does not have a strong spiritual basis. I’d rather be single without hurting anyone than carve a ‘happily ever after’ from the beating heart of a Chump.

      Sending you many, many hugs xx

      • Omg, this is the narrative of my marriage. He can from the perfect family (perfectly dysfunctional IMO) and I was the flawed result of a broken home.

        It’s funny that my less than perfect upbringing also taught me integrity. I guess when you are present early in life with making a choice about who you want to be, you make a conscious decision to base your behavior on those internal values. It seems to me people from families that “appear” perfect have grown up with the example that impression is more important than integrity.

        STBX blamed my upbringing for my “paranoia” that he was cheating. Subscribing to societal stereotypes allowed me to continue to feel that it was my intrinsic flaws that were the problem. The only role my upbringing played in his choices was believing I was the problem.

    • Start of Something Good- I’m in the same place. I understand the struggle of dealing with the reality of a fractured family. The holidays really magnify it. Our divorce was finalized this summer after 2 years of legal drama. A couple months later he also married the OW and didn’t even tell me. It does feel very lonely. My kids are there with him and OW for a visit. They come back Xmas. I feel in many ways not only alone but pitiful. I try to put on a brave face and reclaim some of the holiday spirit I once had but I often wonder why he after causing so much pain to me, kids, extended family gets to be with someone and pretend to be family with our kids while I’m all alone. It just doesn’t make sense. Its like the cheater gets rewarded.

  • My “holiday” was two weeks before our 35th Anniversary Dream trip to Italy! She must have given him an ultimatum. I went alone. He, the whore and my exMIL went on this exact trip while we were still married (10 months later) and in the process of the divorce. There is a special place in hell for the three of them!

    • Sorry, NotMyFault. I have a similar story–my daughters and I had been studying Chinese language for several years. We were all looking forward to an eventual trip to China one summer. Hannibal Lecher got invited to a conference outside Beijing at a time neither my DDs nor I could go, but he accepts, with my blessing.

      D-day hits on 9/11/14 and I find out about his affair with gradwhore from 8 years prior (he had finally been called to a sexual harassment hearing about it & I found his notes). I indicate we are over, he lies about the affair & claims he doesn’t want the marriage to end. Leaves for his Beijing conference 3 days later, knowing his marriage is in dire straits. And takes his last AP, a Chinese national with him. Cold.

      • Ugh, Tempest, I didn’t know the time line for you DDays. So sorry, you’re amazing, you overcame all this so quickly and have been here helping others for so long. Thank you, mighty Tempest!

    • Not my Fault…ugggg. I am so sorry. It must have hurt SO badly for the MIL to do that to you. So sorry. I loved my ex MIL and I miss her a lot.

  • Ah the memories of cheater extrravagently purchasing things he wanted and not getting anything for kids or relatives, demanding chump got gifts for them all within frugal guidelines and to “get something for yourself I don’t know what to get you” . Then skulking off to privately text and phone ‘friends’ citing the need for privacy after decades of marriage. DD2 and separation were late last year so I got through a subdued last Christmas, then thankfully found here earlier this year, thank you for being such a beacon of light this year!

  • Mr. Sparkles announced he was leaving before my birthday… my gift back to him, finalizing the divorce on December 22. Merry Fucking Christmas, douchebag.

    BE MIGHTY CHUMPS! The best gift you can give yourself and your kids is FREEDOM from Cheaters and the abuse. It is so hard to see the bright side of it as your losing your story, your house, 50% of your time with your kids… but once you have some distance and go no contact like a boss (yes, I co-parent)… the lightness of your life shines.

    Keep your faith… you will get through this… and if you stay sane, your kids will too.

  • My dday was a week before Thanksgiving 2010. Unfortunately I stayed with cheater to attempt wreckconciliation for 3 more years (gag me with a pitchfork) and even though we decided to divorce in the fall he wanted to “stay together through the holidays” before I moved out. That was just code for “I want to join dating sites and start hooking up since I don’t have the overlap I generally like to have before I leave a relationship.” He wound up running back to the OW and she left her husband and now the twu wuv schmoopies are married.

    Anyway, it’s been 4 years since my divorce and I don’t even remember the date of my actual dday. I know that it’s around Thanksgiving but I don’t even think about it like I did when I was still married to the cheater. I’ve made new and much better holiday traditions with my kids, my parents, sister and her husband and they’re so much better than they were. Life does get better newly minted chumps and you might not believe that now but losing a cheater is seriously one of the best things that can happen for anyone. The first holidays suck but they get infinitely better with time. We promise you that!

  • After discovering the affairs 2 yrs earlier and him claiming to be working on us for the year, on Dec 22, 2014 he says over dinner in a swanking dive bar (that served amazing food) that he was no longer attracted to me. This was the week of Christmas and my parents 60th anniversary celebration with photos!!
    I never said a word to him, or blew up. I just ate my now horrible tasting dive bar food. Christmas with my sister’s and their families and celebrations all around happened. You’d never know we were headed for splitsville in the new year, I put on a show of love and respect towards him, plus I was smoking some strong Hopeium and trying to do my best to throw my nice self at him to show him this is how it could be, (yeah pick me dance.) Then the 60th anniversary celebration with more relatives and all their little old folks community happens including photos where I had him positioned so the photographer could crop his ass out of the photos. (I was friends with the photographer and gave a heads up to her about my world crashing down into shitsville.)
    On New Years eve he sat in his truck and told me he wanted a legal seperation so he could stay on the insurance that I provided for him. In Calif. you can’t remove someone from the insurance if you’re in a seperation or processes of a divorce. . (That didn’t stop me 2 years later- and a whole other story there)
    Later in January of ’15 when I gave the photos to my parents that’s how I announced my x and I were splitting and headed for divorce, cause he wasn’t in the photo. I felt horrable faking and telling everyone how happy we were. I even sat on his lap and took photos with him and my daughter, who later found out in January as the truth started rolling out, about what a shit-eater he was.
    Three yrs later and my life is decent, my sister’s have been very supportive (thanks LML) and he’s living a life of misery. Karma struck him down several times over.

    • I love your collusion with the photographer. Way to go on that!!!!! Gross that he was even in them.in the first place after what he did

      • Thank God for Photoshop to delete the cheater from digital photos. X-acto knife or smiley face stickers for the analog prints.

  • Mine told me on the first day of our family vacation, took me and the kids for a nice walk. Then bam, And left. Realized later he talked to her the whole ride home, 4 hours. Then told me later when he left he had a huge smile on his face and hasn’t felt that good in years. What a nice guy, destroy your wife and kids, our dreams our family…that’s jacked up if he really has never felt better.

    • Mine said the same thing to my Mom who was dying of cancer. He called to tell her that leaving me was the best decision he’s ever made and that he’s never been happier..,

      You’re right NewLIfe2017, Mr. Nice Guy doing what he can to destroy me, implode our sons’s life then discard the years of memories I thought he treasured as much as I did, our future, and family.
      Yet, it’s the best decision he’s ever made and he’s never been happier.
      That statement alone speaks volumes on what they are.

      • You know what Brit, when I type out on this site what he actually said to me, instead of leaving it in my head to replay over and over…..its like the light gets brighter every time I read the typed words he said to me…..and truly what an awful person he is, and come to the point that little by little I stop blaming myself for not being ‘good enough’. He really does suck.

        • NewLife, writing out the things they’ve said and done is eye opening isn’t it?
          You realize what monsters they really are. For years X had me brainwashed into thinking
          I wasn’t living up to his expectations or failing in some way.
          Looking back it was me who compromised and made all the effort to keep him happy while he did nothing but complain and mope around. I planned family activities and did all the work while he went along looking miserable.
          It took me a long time to finally accept that it wasn’t something I did or said that made him unhappy which made him cheat. I was good at spackling and making excuses for his behavior blaming myself. As Tracy says, the only thing you can trust, is that they suck. Unbelievably cruel, cunning and manipulative.

        • Newlife, someone on CN suggested keep a journal of the hurtful things your X has done or said. It not only helps see things more clearly as you write then read them over but you have them to read for moments when you feel weak or miss what you thought you had.
          I had a hard time seeing and accepting that the relationship I thought I had with X didn’t exist, neither did the person.
          Please know that his leaving or checking out of your marriage and abandoning your family had nothing to do with you. They’re incredibly cunning and manipulative, and experts at twisting words to make us question ourselves. Justifies what they’ve done keeping their image intact.

  • Tracy- do you have Tourette’s?

    That manifests itself by inserting your political views in almost EVERY column…. nonwithstanding it’s complete lack of relevance. It is tacky and ham fisted.

    Your audience is vulnerable and desperate (as I was). Most are sycophantic to you because they are afraid of losing the one place they have that understands this is probably the worst experience of their life.

    You are like Nellie Olsen with a blog.

    Just be Chump Lady. Don’t post your views where no one has the power to fight you back. You will simply block them. Are you secretly just a dictator like the right wing politicians you profess to hate?

    Go over to Breibart and post there.

    • A dictator would MAKE you read her blog and get rid of all other blogs and there would be no Breibart or Digbert or Bert (with or without Ernie)You don’t have to read here so you probably shouldn’t use big words like dictator that you obviously don’t understand.

      Oh and the 70’s called. They’d like their insult back.

    • Oh hey Walter, go write your own blog. My blog is about leaving abusive, toxic people — in real life, and at the ballot.

      Roy Moore is a pedophile. I’m thrilled he went down and I hope he goes home to fuck his horse. (Oops. Must be the Tourettes.)

      If you don’t like my politics, perhaps you didn’t notice all the commentary on Weinstein (a Democratic donor), Matt Lauer, or Anthony Weiner.

      But gosh, you’ll speak up for an Alabama pedophile.

      You’re free to leave, Walter.

      • Walter not only is willing to defend a pedophile, but also to insult people with a disability (Tourette’s). Gee, what’s next, Walter, kicking homeless people and stealing their winter hats?

        • Not to mention I don’t think Walter has posted today for the first time, I just think it’s the first time he’s used that particular handle. I hate cowards that change their board names to something different when they want to drop the same ole same ole bullshit disguised as a different poster.

      • I’m glad to know your moral (not political, because not supporting a pedophile, racist, bigot has nothing to do with politics and some people need to look in the mirror and face that) stance on these things. I wouldn’t want to support someone who supports the type of man that Roy Moore is.

      • I guess he’s all upset today about the election results. I let my son stay up past his bedtime so we could watch the results come in. It was exciting he was jumping for joy as Jones pulled ahead and won. It was a nice bonding evening, morality won and I got to share it with my kid.

    • Oh, Walter! Walter, Walter, Walter.

      Why you gotta be so butt-hurt over politics? Did you read what she wrote about MY political party yesterday? I’m a card-carrying Libertarian, buddy! But I’m not butt-hurt about it. (CL, just so you know, your son can go on to live a happy, productive life as a libertarian….) If we’re not here for politics, then let it go! Let it go, Walter! Have a good laugh!

      Sheesh. Your guy is a pedophile and a full-on theocratic racist. You’re being chumped! By a politician!

      My advice? Learn to be more discerning. Don’t let those assholes act like you have no choices. Don’t throw yourself at the feet of whichever R they serve up to you, no matter how repugnant. You’re worth more than that, Walter! You have a brain–use it! You’re worth more than a pedophile racist! Find your worth, Walter!

      You can DO it!

      • Sorry this comment was supposed to be in response to the medieval coal mining implements way up thread,lord knows how it got here!

    • Well…… I’m as far right/conservative/libertarian or whatever label one wishes to give me, but ol Roy is a dirt bag. No one hates to give the progressive commies an extra seat more than I. But to defend a person who is well known to have trolled malls and other areas preying on underage women? Nope I can’t do it! We all know which way CL liens and it’s her blog….. great thing about our great country is the ability to have opinions, speak them and have civil disagreements. If you don’t like her politics go somewhere else. It’s pretty simple. I doubt there are many people who come here that are brainwashed into her beliefs or politics….. anyway, I give her a pass on her politics for all the wonderful chump advise she gives. I wish I had found her years ago. Would have saved me a lot of grief! For all the unfortunate souls who are in their early days of hell, having found CL early is a blessing. Just beware she might be a liberal!

      • Hi All:

        I’m a progressive liberal, and here to say that politics has nothing to do with recognizing scum as scum. Scum comes in different shapes, sizes, colors and stripes, and all political affiliations, but it is still scum. And child predators are scum. Something Ivanka Trump and I agree on.

    • You come onto a blog designed to support those who’ve been betrayed in horrific ways and dare to call us desperate sycophants?
      Go fuck yourself.
      Asshole

    • Walter, you are WAY off course. It’s her blog. She can say whatever she damn well pleases.

      I love her for speaking her mind. I’m grateful.

      You’ll find that we are all on Tracy’s team.

  • Although I didn’t know it yet, Christmas 2015, X (then husband…blech…skeeves me out to think I was married to that conman!) said (two days before Christmas) that he was just too strapped to get any presents. My small immediate family were there to spend the holidays and had travelled a long way. He spent the whole time sleeping or walking around unhappy, or “working”…especially late nights…you know, because he was so strapped. He went out on Christmas Eve, and came home with a bag of exercise clothes for me still in the bag as my gift.
    Months later when I was playing divorce detective, I really focused on the phone records and account statements from that time because he behaved so terribly…not nasty, which he was a lot of the time, but sadz-y and dismissive of my family (even while we ALL, including his little kid, spackled like mad over his behavior). He hadn’t paid the mortgage in a couple months at that point and at the same time was taking out thousands in cash every month and was calling all sorts of people who I didn’t know.
    SO, why am I writing this? For the newbies, CL is so on point as usual…these types don’t tend to “show up” in the sense that they leave all family obligations and responsibilities to chumps. They also hate celebrations that don’t focus solely on them and if they are cheating they walk around like the world is against them around the people they are lying to. X is a bottomless pit. A black hole. Leave a cheater gain a life!!

  • Hello Fellow Chumpies!

    I am a rookie to the CN, as I had my 3rd (and final) D-Day back in August. Technically my D-Day didn’t come during a holiday, but rather a few days before my 9 year wedding anniversary. We had a trip to the Grand Cayman planned. My STBX works as a Contractor overseas. So for most of the year, he is out of the country while I am left to tend to the house, handle all the financials, work full-time… you get the picture.

    A month before catching him red-handed downtown with the OW, I found out that he paid to have a membership to a Sugar Daddy arrangement website. He was overseas at the time, so during a FaceTime call he swore up and down that it was just boredom and he never spoken to any women, I believed him.
    A few days later I could still see some online activity, so I questioned him again, only this time he was furious with me and had no remorse. He said we would talk when he got home in a month. Fast forward a month to when he was coming home on R&R and he had gotten himself a hotel downtown to “decompress and think about what he wanted to do about our relationship”. I thought I was doing the right thing by giving him some space to think about our future, but all along he was banging this very unattractive women whom herself was still married. (The same skank he found on the sugar daddy website)

    Now its days before Christmas and the loser is back home for R&R. OW is still in the picture and he purchased an Airbnb in her town to get away from me. Both of their lives are slowly starting to unravel and I couldn’t be happier. Merry Christmas to me, From Karma.

    I wanted to extend my deepest gratitude to The Chumpy Lady and the Chump Nation. I read “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” cover to cover several times and this website is the FIRST thing I read in the mornings…yes, even before my work emails!! Its THAT important to me to receive a daily dose of kick ass advice and to read all the comments from my fellow chumps. You have brought this 32 year old wreck back to life. Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays to you all!

    • Welcome, ChumpinAintEasy. We always regret that people have to live through the trauma of infidelity, but there is no safer place to land than CL. The upcoming holiday will be rough (firsts always are), but sign up for the forums (top R corner)–you’ll get a password by email. The Private: General forums are the best place to get advice from the most seasoned chumps (and guaranteed that other people will be on-line during any lonely holiday moments).

    • Welcome here CHumpinAintEasy. You are welcome anytime, the coffee or teapot is always on, and the door is always open. You’ll never be alone now that you are part of the great Chump Nation!

  • Ok Chumplady, you have been there for me and more so chump nation to be honest in the forums, but damn if you cant keep off the political shit I hate it but I may have to leave, and you are turning off about half of chumps who otherwise would love to come here for support. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP! I don’t want to lose this place, but ENOUGH.

    • Seriously? I am overwhelming you with political comments WHERE? In my aside?

      My political views are on Twitter and my personal FB page. And 99.9% OFF this blog.

      Do you know how much I want to write about the pussy grabber in chief and DON’T? I have a blog about narcissistic cheaters and there’s one in office and I LEAVE IT ALONE so people find support here.

      Let me remind you, you do not PAY for this content. It is offered FREELY. You can take it, or you can leave it. I pay $300 a month to host this site, and lately around $600 a month in IT support. Ads and donations offset those costs — and I don’t bring it up, what it takes to make this place happen. But when people bitch at me about how the support they’re getting out of the GOODNESS OF OTHER PEOPLE’S HEARTS isn’t entirely to their liking? There’s the door. Bye. You won’t hurt my feelings in the slightest.

      As for my politics, I’ll say this. I am from a family of right-wing, union-busting, Detroit industrialist, country club Republicans. I have worked for the military and had a top-secret security clearance. I’m a Methodist. I went to more Sunday school than Roy Moore ever did (unless he was cruising for 8th graders). And like MOST people, my politics are a MIX. I have voted for a Texas Republican judge appointed by Rick Perry.

      You do not know me.

      The two people who hurt me the most in this world — my two ex-husbands — voted straight Democrat. We shared political views and not much else. The woman who showed up to help me load a moving van and escape my abuser? Thinks Obama is a socialist and worries for my soul.

      I am not alone in loving people across both aisles. I’m also not stupid. I don’t like Trump (because I have brain cells and more moral sense than God gave badgers) and I don’t like pedophiles. These are not extreme views. But if they OFFEND you? And you can’t ignore it for the sake of 99.9 of the other content?

      LEAVE. BUH-BYE.

      • I’m not finished with my tirade. Next time you’re watching Fox News or Breitbart or WTFever and you think about how much this site helped you — how much *I* helped you — let it pierce your heart that a libtard fem-nazi snowflake HELPED you.

        THAT is America.

        • I’m a card carrying moderate Republican (who is deeply ashamed by my party these days) but I will aspire to be a libtard fem-nazi snowflake like you, Tracy, if it means I helped a fraction of you people you have . Love you and thank you for all you do.

          • I am disappointed in the Republican Party as well. We used to be the party that was socially liberal and fiscally conservative. Those days are gone unfortunately.

            • I was raised Republican. Eventually decided to go another route, but first and foremost I am an American, and what that means to me is that we are all free to voice our views, respect our neighbors, and delight in our common culture of inclusion. I haven’t found anything different in Chump Nation. It’s about taking care of our own, and it’s a kind and generous place.

        • WTF! You’ve sometimes stated slightly political views but shit… saying that so and so who’s running for senate is being investigated for being a hebephile is not being political. It’s stating a fact.
          We canucks have weird and wonderful rules about both campaigning and reporting around election time too. But damn we do mention that former and current politicians are being investigated for sexist views, sexual harassment, and any other all around scum baggery without it being a political platform.
          Political is announcing that you must vote “this way” all other votes are stupid. Political is trying to sway votes. Political is calling the election results “wrong” and trashing people in power without legitimate concerns. So and so being investigated for inappropriate relationships with teens is a frigging concern. News flash! Normal adolescents don’t worship ugly old men. I do not want any teenage child or grandchild of mine facing some middle aged politico with a sexual itch. It’s icky and we all need to have this kind of behaviour shut down.
          CL points out the phenomena of people coming forward about people in power behaving badly (not just some senator but also Weinstein, Simmons, Spacey etc)
          If somebody out here in CN feels CL has overstepped think very carefully how you talk about your elected officials (especially the ones you didn’t vote for or don’t like).

        • 😂😂😂😂 You’re on a roll today! I’d say don’t feed the obvious troll, but I’m laughing so hard I’m crying, so feed and bash away! Man I love CAN and you!

        • This site has helped so very much. As a non-American some references are less relevant (Thanksgiving, Politics, State specific references), nonetheless as a chump I am so appreciative and grateful for your wise, snarky insights and advice that have helped me reframe the trauma of being cheated on as a sign to leave that disrespectful, liar and to move on and gain a life.

          Your posts and the CN forum have been a much appreciated blessing in a tough time, offering insight wisdom and encouragement from people who have been there that it is possible to survive and moved on to thrive (and meh). Thank you and thank you again.

          • Pity people are getting so worked up about politicians that they do not know and the dirty game of politics. Do not think for one minute that these politicians are not all in collusion irregardless of side. They love to know that the masses play into the game of political divide.
            I’m not American. I don’t care one way or the other. I’ve read CL since 2014 and find the political references are directly related to the character of the person being critiqued. I see no problem there.
            Because we share the views of CL regarding infidelity and character doesn’t make the people here sycophants…unless sharing the political view of hundreds of thousands of people makes you one too.
            Frankly persons who are unable to use objective thinking when it comes to political, religious or any other doctrine are very disturbing to me….
            Sticking a pin here.

        • This blog provides a great deal of support to folks of all political stripes. It is CL’s blog. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. If you can’t see that CL is pointing out shitty behaviour no matter the political affiliation, you really need to read a few more posts.

          One of the most valuable lessons we chumps have to learn is to see through the bullshit, no matter who is shoveling it. Why do politicians get a pass? I thought our leaders should represent the best and the brightest.

          • It isn’t uncommon for people to explore other philosophies, especially when they are in college. This is a good thing. The only problem I can see is when a particular political viewpoint is so exclusionary that a person will insult others’ beliefs or political views.

            We’re all in this together, folks.

            I myself am about as opposite to CL as I can think of (FDR was my Okie parents hero), but she’s so spot on about the common problems we are here to work through that I don’t see how we cannot band together and let the various small things slide. (Oh, and yes, I wouldn’t mind if The Cheeto-faced Twatwaffle fell off his throne while he’s tweeting at 0430 hrs and broke his neck) Nor do I have much use for the pedophiles, etc., who are being outed and disposed of now.

            Go, CL, you do too much good to let naysayers dim your light.

      • Thank you Tracy 🙂

        #ibelieveinmiracles too 🙂 And you and CN are one of em! 🙂

        I am lifted every time I see America stand up and reclaim her moral integrity 🙂 Way to go Alabama! 🙂

        #metoo! Sexual predators are frightening. Experiencing such degrading horror is life altering for LIFE. Placing these disordered creatures in power positions further invalidates their past victims and inevitable future victims…shutting down their voices.

        Thank you Tracy for giving power to victim’s voices in all abusive situations!

        xxoo
        Tess and Beau 🙂

        P.S. …I’m saving to donate Merry Christmas to CL in an effort to help further this amazing healing haven you GAVE US 🙂 And to help keep YOUR VOICE ringing out the TRUTH AND THE RIGHT. 🙂 Thank you Tracy.

      • I’m a Tepublican also but honestly Roy Moore creeped me out! Please carry on Chump Lady and Thank-you!! Merry Christmas also!!!

    • Oh for Pete’s sake. Go. Leave. Do not for one second think you can *threaten* Tracy with a chump walk out for expressing HER views on HER blog. She is doing the world a solid providing us with this place. She does it out of the goodness of her heart. Neither you or anyone else gets to set the terms for her benevolence. If you don’t like what she says then stop reading. Sadly there are plenty of new chumps who appreciate what she does to take your place. Few things piss me off more than someone who tries to dictate the terms of a gift freely given. If someone offers you help without cost you say “Thank you”, not “No, I want ______.” Seriously. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

    • Seriously, chumpapalooza–

      Please read the content of what Tracy writes before you react to shield a political party. I mean, really, what has your political PARTY done for you lately? If running a pedophile racist is that, then I encourage a bit of self-examination.
      Don’t be so knee-jerk defensive of a POLITICAL party. The assholes running the country and probably your state are the most entitled, self-serving jerks. As I said to Walter–you’re being chumped if you treat your political party like a cult. (They are treating YOU like a cult member. They ran a racist pedophile and expected you to vote for that shit.)

      I’m shocked that anyone would leave this forum of people who are from all political parties, religions, countries, sexual orientations, races over a political party. I really do hate for you to leave over it. I think you’re lacking rational priorities if you do. I think you’re not able to be very tolerant of new ideas (like, thinking that a racist pedophile might be a bad person to run the country.) That’s so sad, chumpapalooza! Come on, now.

    • WTF? That dude is a pedophile… what’s “political” about that. If memory serves Wiener has been the subject of a few recent discussions here. You sound incredibly biased and ridiculous to pick out a one-sentence comment and not even mentioned entire posts about a democrat fuckwit. Tracy is all about morals and human decency lacking in the sexually deranged; I have never felt a political agenda pushed here. Unfortunately ass holes are non-partisan and plentiful. And politicians make the news and current events for their sexual escapades. As a mature and empathetic adult, I have friends all over the place politically. Please, please, please do some soul searching on yourself. P.S. You and that Walter idiot owe CL a big fat apology! .

    • Ya know when I first read your “Thank you” comment I thought it was for Tracy but then I followed the thread and saw that it went up to first pedophile-loving, disparaging, doesn’t even use timely or relevant insults- original poster.

      Seriously? It is the height of insane hubris for people to come on a blog that helps millions of people and tell the author of the blog who pays for said blog herself and asks for nothing in return, what SHE SHOULD and SHOULD NOT be writing. And that SHE should keep her opinions to herself. Yup, insane hubris.

      Stage a walk out. Exercise your right to freedom and don’t read here. Or start your own blog. But please stop thinking you can dictate what Tracy puts in HER blog. I don’t like Breibart. I think it’s bullshit so you know what I do? I don’t read it.

  • D-Day last year holiday season. Best Christmas gifts ever (and all on the same day, no less!) – finding hand-written notes about the bed and breakfast holiday getaway that he had planned with her during “mandatory overtime” at work, love notes between the two of them, and, the icing on the cake, getting a call from my OBGYN that my annual testing showed that I had viral STDs from what I discovered to be CheatingArsehole. I really am not a fan of this time of year….

    • Ugh . I’m so sorry . Your post broke my heart a little bit . It’s still so raw for you being D day was last Christmas .
      I’m sending you positive vibes .
      Extreme self care and pamper yourself .
      You are MIGHTY !

    • Christmas Day was when the OW called to wish her Professor a Merry Christmas, after scheduling him a massage for his gift. I was so daft, I said her behavior was totally inappropriate and got back to the twelve dinner family guests.

      Trust that it will get better. And trust that he sucks.

      PS My gifts were the same as always – bare root roses to plant, feed, water, prune. All so he could have fresh flowers in every room year round. And I could cut the flowers and wash the vases year round.

  • My D-Day came in January when I received her credit card statement (that I always paid) for December and noticed some gift purchases that were not for either myself or the kids. The beginning of the end.

  • Dday during the holidays must really suck and will be a cloud over holidays in the future. My cheater started her affairs in Dec however I didnt find out till the end January. Ever December I will think about it, I will think about all my cheatet’s nude selfies she took in December. Pictures she sent for the sexual satisfaction of other men. Our child and I found them together by accident because the pics were going to her google cloud. There were nudes she took on Christmas eve, then Christmas day happy family pics opening presents, then more nudes Christmas night.

  • Dday1 came shortly after the Christmas holidays. Xhole and I had gone on a week long vacation. He spent more time on his Ipad and phone for “work” than he did with me. Of course I later found out he was communicating with the whore.

    Dday2 came shortly after our 30th anniversary when I found receipts and broke into Fort Knox to get phone records.

    Anniversary date doesn’t matter anymore, but holidays like Christmas and birthdays that are ruined by cheaters are just one more bite of the shit sandwich from those fuckers.

    They just suck.

      • Thanks, TxDude from a fellow Texan. My timeline might have been longer, but we all have such horrible betrayal stories. Thank goodness we have this site and fellow chumps to help us along this nightmare journey. Stay strong!

  • Oh yeah , final D-day was ON Christmas morning at 3:00am. It was actually the best Christmas present I could have ever received! This is my 2nd cheater-free Christmas and it is wonderful again. Merry Christmas, CN!

      • Thanks, TXDude! I am still alone and it’s not like I’ve really gained the life I want yet, but at least I have peace and know I am not being emotionally abused and cheated on anymore & that’s what makes it better! Btw, I read your story above and was horrified by the whole nudes sent during Christmastime- I’m sorry, that was so disturbing!!! I know how hard it is, but thank goodness you are at least cheater-free now. I hope you still find a way to enjoy the holidays this year!!!

        • I’m trying to reconcile which is difficult. I have so much anger about it, sometimes when her back is turned I give her the middle finger. That’s not a healthy relationship. I don’t think she would cheat again, however I never thought she would cheat in the 1st place.

  • Christmas was always a stressful time when I was with my ex. I am a former critical care nurse so I am tough stuff. I always ended up crying before the end because of the stress from him and his family. The last year, you added in OW and I was stressed to the max!

    Now Christmas is very laid back. I spend time with my sweet MIL and family Christmas Eve and my parents on Christmas morning. I will actually be able to enjoy the holiday.

  • Eight years ago this Friday was my Dday. I was sitting in a coffee shop with now-ex-cheater enjoying a break from holiday shopping when he announced he didn’t want to be married to me any longer and had “been miserable” practically since the day we met — this, despite the fact that up until that day, he had never once claimed unhappiness and always said I was his best friend and he would never want to leave me.

    I was 100% blindsided. I had a stack of wrapped gifts for him at home, was getting ready for Christmas; little did I know he came to that coffee date straight from a menage a trois with his main OW and the fuck-buddy OW.

    Anyway, to offer up some hope for those of you new to this journey through hell; today, I have a stack of wrapped gifts under the tree for my new hubby of one year. My life is 100% better than it was in my first unfortunate marriage. Life without a cheater is so much sweeter.

    • Just rememberegd this part: After ex’s announcement, I suggested counseling. He replied that there was no point, since he said I would never changeg and he “loved himself exactly the way he was and would never want to change.” He then left the house and sent out a mass text message to everyone we knew — friends, family, acquaintances – telling them we had separated and asking them to wish us luck. I learned about the text message – I’m the only person he didn’t send it to, apparently — when a friend called me up crying.

      • Unbelievable! They really are selfish, entitled fuckwits! Thank you so much for showing us what the future can be fuckwit free. So happy you have gained a life!!

    • Thanks for sharing your story Glad. This gives me hope that one day I will also find a person truly worthy of my trust and love.

  • My ex told me “we weren’t happy and he thought we should divorce” right before I was hosting Thanksgiving dinner. I knew things weren’t great, but I thought divorce was kind of a nuclear option after 22 years and four children so I suggested counseling. In the course of the marriage counseling, when I thought things were looking up, he dropped the infidelity bomb. Of course it was right before Christmas eve. I struggled through Christmas like a zombie. Yeah, they know how to ruin everything including holidays.

    Oh, and I found his gift that year from the OW, a gift certificate to local performing arts center. I stole it and took my daughter to a musical. He never said a word. Sociopath.

  • It’s so true, my 3 year D-Day anniversary was a few days ago. That was the worst period of my entire life. I think I just ate a salad at my family Christmas dinner – I was in the middle of losing almost 15 pounds.

    When I found out, she was planning with the married OM to have matching divorces in January (no need to rock the boat on me and the kids before the holidays – she’s so thoughtful). Of course, when January came, he got cold feet and ran back to his wife — and eventually I had to be the one to file for divorce, because…that’s just how they roll.

    Anyway, this isn’t as fun a time of year anymore, but it has been getting better.

  • So super sad reading all of these D-Day accounts. I am a year out from my decision to kick my husband out, cancel the building of our new house and move forward without him. After over a year of trying to wreckoncile, he admitted that he had not stopped screwing the county, and had just gotten better at hiding his porn use. What finally made me wake up was that he admitted he had posted for random sex on Craigslist and GAVE OUT OUR ADDRESS. Yikes. It finally occurred to me that I was remaining in an environment that wasn’t safe for me, and it certainly wasn’t safe for my kiddo. Funny, in retrospect, I remember having a bad gut feeling for several weeks leading up to actually figuring it out.

    So, that all to say…..ladies…..if you are struggling with a decision concerning your intimate relationship – trust your gut. I should have trusted my gut for a long time before I did. I will always be entangled with the Narc because we have a kiddo together, and Christmas is a painful reminder of where I was last year, but….I can live in truth now, and for me, that is miles from where I was last year at this time.

  • My cheater suddenly had all these Christmas parties to go to ‘and they don’t include the spouse.’ Then he worked late on Christmas Eve. Let’s say the bed experience Christmas Day was lacklustre and, when I look back at it, humiliating. D-day was on 2 February. He and the OW spent January getting an apartment ready.

    It took me years to get Christmas back again, but I’ve finally returned to putting up a tree and decorating although I’m (happily) single.

    • It took me years to reclaim Christmas too, Happy. And like you, I’m happily single. I would love to have a life partner again someday but it’s nice to know that I don’t *need* one to live a good life. As long as I have my kids, dogs, and books, it’s all good.

  • I actually met a woman in divorce group therapy who found out on Christmas Eve her husband was having an affair. She had to sit through Christmas Day with a brave face for the kid’s sake.

  • My D(iscard) Day was Dec 16, 2015. He had gotten home from an out of town assignment, was uncharacteristically grumpy, and then spilled the beans on Dec 16 that had fallen in love with a ho-worker he had only know for a couple of weeks (as opposed to his 25 year marriage) He said a bunch of nasty stuff that I will never forget like how I should have known 25 years ago I’d become collateral damage, how she was his soulmate, how our “soul contract” was over (BTW who talks like that!) how I was controlling blah blah blah and oh yes, how he still loved me and would I consider a polyamory relationship. After continually crying and vomiting for a few weeks where I lost an ungodly amount of weight, and he watched me cry like I was some sort of alien being, he ended up running away not sure if he still sees or communicates with that HOmewrecker who lives 3000 miles away (this is her sport, breaking up marriages) but he really seems to have lost his mind and won’t get help–stalling the divorce and being the blameshifting victim-never taking responsibility for what he did to our family. December is HELL on earth but every day I grow a little stronger. Still, each moment will forever be etched into my soul. Like I can’t hear Mariah Carey “All I want for christmas is you” because that’s the song I had playing when he walked through the door when I didn’t know he had been having an affair while I was being the idiot, faithfully waiting for him to come home so we could celebrate the holidays and soon to be birth of our first grandchild. (who he is NEVER allowed to see)

    • He met his soulmate but he still loved you and wanted to stay in the marriage? That’s right up there with my ex who told me not to sell the wedding ring because “the truth is I see myself coming back to you. My lease is only for a year.” These assholes really aren’t original are they?

      • Mine said, it’s not like we can’t get back together someday. No thank you, I won’t be waiting for you to get through your shitstorm of decisions.

        • I heard that too. “We can always remarry.” Nope. Not going to sit on a shelf or agree to a downgrade to Plan B or side dish. The idea of actually LOSING a chump, like forever, is unfathomable to those entitled cheats.

  • My Dday was around the holidays. I am an observant Catholic and I love the Christmas season! My ex was one of the sociopaths that prior to Dday I swear never gave me any reason to believe he was cheating. After Dday he was out of the closet as a truly hateful, anger-filled narcissist. I found out completely by accident. I opened the computer (which controlled the stereo system and TV as well) and his email making an appt. with a a whore popped up. For months I was severely depressed because I couldn’t understand how God could let this happen during advent. Then it hit me. I NEVER would have known if there hadn’t been some miraculous intervention. His email was pass-coded and always closed. Usually his laptop wasn’t the one with the entertainment system. He made the appt. through his phone, which was a govt. phone locked tighter than a drum. The phone and his personal laptop were not synced, but somehow his work email and personal email did sync that day, although they never had before or after. I truly got a Christmas miracle that allowed me to escape his adultery and accompanying endangerment of my life. Finding out then was a monumental GIFT. The best one I have ever received. Now, I celebrate advent with a faith I didn’t have before because I was truly delivered.

    • This is a lovely angle of thought on the discovery phase… You’re right, knowing, finally that you have nothing to work with really is a gift. The gift of being able to move on and not look back with wonder or regret. Thank you!

    • I stumbled across my ex’s videos while setting my daughter up for a game on her tablet (that he bought and controls) through a Google memory app, which nicely date stamped everything for me.

      If I had not found those videos, pictures and other messages I might still be working on a false marriage with a shitty person, with an even shittier family. I’m so glad to be working my way away from him, although my children are only 3 and 5 so there will still be quite a bit of contact. Ugh.

  • Yep. My DD1 and DD2 came in December. The marriage was declared over after DD1, but because I was in the holiday spirit, I agreed he could stay until after they were over. No regrets on that. If I hadn’t, DD2 wouldn’t have happened. I kicked him out on Christmas Eve in the middle of baking. I woke up Christmas morning and felt sorry for myself for about a minute. Then I thought, “Why should I feel sorry for myself? He got his mask ripped off. He’s sleeping on his sister’s sofa. He lost his house. His pets. His access to a damn good life. AND I got more closet space and peace. I’m the winner here.”

  • I remember the last thanksgiving. He was starting fights with me. Any question I had about something he ‘had to do’, he yelled and screamed. He then screamed he couldn’t do it it anymore all while I just stood there saying nothing. He had just gone into a rage to force a fight. Then He burst out, ‘I should just go away for the thanksgiving weekend for a ‘break’, to my families.” When I insisted he stop and consider medication for his outbursts over simple questions, he deflated and then proceeded to treat me as shitty as possible for the holiday. I guess schmoopies probably got the excuse I was a troll.

    Obviously, he needed to see a schmoopie, probably, many for the holiday, and I had not let his ‘fake tantrum’ work. His behavior was abusive, neglectful, and as I was trying to finish cancer treatment at that time, I had no fight in me.

    When I cried and begged him to be there for me as I had been there for him always, he said ‘why would I want to?’ Of course I was a wreak and it was the last year of hell. We did not make the next holidays together even this year, 2 years out, I haven’t wanted to celebrate yet.

    May other chumps have more courage then I had. I was desperate to not believe he was really this man. I really clung to the ‘good years’.

    On a positive note, tests this month show the original cancer has not returned. The only things of concern are small tumors on my liver they believe are not cancerous. Tests the rest of the month will see for sure. What I know for sure, is if I was still with him, I don’t believe I’d be alive. He was taking big alit of joy at the end to see me suffer.

  • Currently seven years post “this isn’t my dream anymore” a year after my dad passed/moved my mom in with us (the plan was for my parents to be able to “age in place”).
    Not sure of actual d-day; found the truth when he responded to the ad I posted on Craigslist in the men looking for men section.
    He’s still on downlow with Beard2.0 and stepson nearly providing cover. He spent our last years together molding her for her for her furture existance. She found the truth on his phone quite a while ago and is still with him.
    Me; happy without all the toxic bullshit.

  • CL is dead on! My first dday was a week after Christmas when I found a receipt for a VERY expensive watch (with diamonds) that was NOT under my tree! I actually found the receipt prior to Christmas and my Christmas day was full of upset stomach when I didn’t get it. I had suspected something was up and that just verified it. And from there…….I had four more horrible Christmas’s.

    The fact that I can now call him my ex is my Christmas gift each year since!!!! I can enjoy my holidays again like I should be. I am sooooooo blessed!!!!!!!!

    • Geez, what is it with the watches? After my divorce, I found credit card receipts from 2006, the year of my X’s gradwhore affair. Three weeks after he had broken up with her to “return” to the marriage (all without my knowledge), he bought her a Juicy Couture watch, I guess as a “sorry you won’t be living a fab life as my GF.” Not quite the same as a very expensive watch with diamonds, Kimmy, but gradwhore was 22 so it was fitting.

    • I found a receipt for a necklace a week before our 30th anniversary… a necklace I never received. Needless to say, that was the cherry on top of the shit sundae he had been feeding me for 5 months since Dday. I hope that necklace turned Owhore/wife’s neck green.

      • I hadn’t found any receipts, but I did see on one of his whores FB a photo of her wearing the same exact necklace he had bought me for V-Day a few years back. He was lazy and wasn’t very original.

  • Two days before Christmas. That is when my ex left. He reappeared on Christmas Eve to pick up a few more bags and clean the gutters. Then he left for good.

    I remember making it a point to get out of bed every day and put on my makeup and pearls.

    But I spent the holidays staring at a wall.

    That was several years ago and things are great now. But there is always the subtle undercurrent of threat when the days get shorter and the holidays get closer.

    But isn’t the darkness, cold, and dying of winter part of rebirth?

  • Why wait for the holidays? My niece got her “I’m leaving you” announcement before Thanksgiving, one week before their daughter was born.

    Having a baby is hard enough. Finding out you’re completely on your own with no notice, because he’s just a selfish jackass, is unforgivable.

  • I remember around Christmas 2014 thinking it was odd that my ex had an “Executive Team dinner” on December 23rd, when my parents were in town for the holiday. The event was taking place at a very fancy restaurant about an hour’s drive away, so he was going to spend the night so he wouldn’t have to drive late. Turns out the only executive at that dinner was the VP of Human Resources/Schmoopie. They spent the night at a really nice hotel/spa.

  • Pre DDay was December 26,2016. We went to Ikea (per his request), came home and helped daughter build something he bought for her. My parents were visiting from out of state. We all sat in the kitchen talking then he excused himself to go downstairs to get on FB with his mistress. I discovered him on computer with her about 4 hrs later. He said she was a friend whom he was talking to because he had been unhappy. I came right out and asked him if he was having an affair to which he replied NO. That started the first of many “conversations” about our marriage. The real DDay came a month later when I found a receipt in his wallet. It fills me with such rage and hatred to think of what this asshole put me through all the while still lying and cheating. Fast forward 9 months later- now and for the most part my life is better but like I said the hatred for him is still very present in my life. I poured my heart and guts out to this guy to find out what did I do to him that he had to punish me this way….. his answer….it was all my fault. Fuck him. I will have the last laugh…hell I have the last laugh every month when “his” money gets deposited into my bank account. That’s the price he pays for literally “fucking around”

  • I caught Cheater Pants right around Valentine’s Day. Things weren’t adding up…at ALL.

    Years later I was engaged to be married. Found a receipt where he met someone for cocktails at a local restaurant and bar two days before Christmas. Holidays are a good time to look for signs if you suspect cheating.

  • Seems like most of my D days were during the holidays. The final year sucked hard. I had filed but he was “not ready” to move out yet to be with OW (i.e. , she was married too). After being absent for months, he wanted to plan a holiday meal together. The only gift he could give me would have been to get the fuck out of the house!

    • Mine has now left the house. I agreed to the ‘togetherness Thanksgiving meal’ with her. Not feeling any desire to do anything with her during Christmas break. but……It’s gut wrenching trying to figure out what is best for the kid.

      • Zell, the truth always works for children, just as it works for us. It is always best. Not easy. Scary too. But real. Make your own way, draw healthy boundaries, and get busy living. New memories and new traditions are now yours to forge and they will save you. Ask me how I know. Do not waste another minute of your one true authentic life…. Our kids need healthy role models, they look to us to show them what we will and will not tolerate, they look to us to model “love,” and we need to show them that we deserve better. Plan a holiday filled with things that make you happy. Time spent together is one thing my children and I now prioritize.What we don’t deserve is the drama that comes from the disordered. So divide up those days if you are co parenting and get started on those new traditions.

  • My full DDay was just November 24th and meeting with a lawyer next week. I knew there was another girl he was screwing and from the details he shared with me it sounded like booty calls, but DDay revealed a years worth of videos and nearly daily multiple times a day phone calls.

    This marks the first Christmas we will not be doing Christmas morning together as the 4 of us which I am admittedly having a very hard time with. On top of this my brother and his wife will be out of the country for Christmas, so that leaves me to spend Christmas dinner with my parents (who of which are simply the best). I’m having a very difficult time with the fact of sharing holidays that I always imagined spending at home with the family I created, not having to pack my kids up so the can go spend time with that half of the their family that I loathe. They really are just terrible people.

    And I thought last Christmas was the worst Christmas ever.

    • When you wake up Christmas morning- think to yourself- No one is lying to me today. No one is going to leave the room to text/talk his mistress behind my back or in some cases right in front of your face! That in and of itself makes this Christmas better than your last.

      • You still have the family YOU created minus one lying, cheating asshole. Don’t let what he did, the choices he made to disrespect you and your kids define what Christmas means to you. I, like you, will be spending my first Christmas in 19 years without this person- that was his doing- not mine…my life will go on and when Christmas Day passes it will be one more “day” we survived without a cheater devaluing our worth- and hopefully bring us one day closer to Meh!!! (Hugs)

        • Thank you Pret. It is another day and I will come out on top, but to try and explain to my 3 and 5 year olds why their Daddy isn’t at home, especially on a holiday is difficult. Other family events where we go to other people’s houses have been easier (we’ve been doing those holidays separate all year) but for them to not have Daddy home for Christmas morning will be difficult. Thankfully my parents are going to come spend the morning with us until the arranged drop off and then I will follow back to my parents house for the night and Boxing Day.

          I came across this quote yesterday and your post reminded me of it “Know the value of knowing your value.”

          I do look forward to creating traditions with my children that aren’t going to be called stupid, silly or not what he wants. Thank you for the perspective.

          • You’re welcome. I know getting through the day will be difficult especially because your children are so young. But you will be strong for them. Daddy isn’t here because he had something to do… but we’re here and we will have a great time. Then when you’re alone, you cry… it’s a process we will all go through but once the day is over- we really will be closer to moving on. I find that each day brings me closer to accepting that this is my life now… you get to focus on you and those two beautiful kids…. their dad will get his in due time….karma is a bitch…and it will come for him. You’ll be too busy with great kids to even care!

  • D-day for me was 4th of January but I think he would have left before Christmas if he had had somewhere else to go. Schmoopie had gone to visit her parents who emigrated to Canada and his parents live about 800 miles away. It’s been hard remembering this time last year when I was out finding him and his family the perfect personalised gifts from me and DS. He was buying gifts for her and shipping them over to her. I had to throw away 2 gifts I got him as they were lies and I pawned the eternity ring that I wore for the grand total of 10 days.

  • Traitor disappeared until 10pm Christmas Day 2014 with his son from his 2nd ex “wife”. They usually spent the afternoon at her family’s Christmas BBQ but were back around 6pm normally or he would be back alone after handover. He would phone me once or twice during that day. This time he didn’t, I tried to reach him a couple of times, no luck. She normally worked half of Christmas Day (as I was told… who knows what was ever true). That year they were gone for much longer and he came back alone (handover) and said they had to go all the way to her brother’s 160 kms away were the party was, but no one had told him in advance…
    The next day he finally started work on my 50th birthday present (7 months late). As we were working together on it ( plumbing!), I told him I had been talking to their son about how he was almost like an only child and his mother had no partner, how when she grew old she would need him and he would probably be farming this place, so we all had to work hard to make this farm more profitable, so he could build another small house she could live in. I told him he would be busy with a wife and kids but would need to look after her and that it would help if they could live close to each other. Traitor and I would live in another small house here and help with the farm. I was planning for 30+ years ahead, and thinking of how to make life easier for her since she had been single for so long. I was trying to plan for a good life for everyone…
    So I told the Traitor about my conversations with their son.
    5 days later, New Year’s Eve 2014, with their son back here asleep in the next room, he told me he wanted a menage a trois with me, and the ex. He told me I was asexual (I hadn’t noticed…), I wasn’t satisfying his needs, he didn’t want meaningless sex with a prostitute. But he said I was the only good female role model his kids ever had, He basically gave me an ultimatum, accept this or it’s over. I didn’t accept of course, but he didn’t leave. He changed his tune to my feelings for their son were filthy, I was a bitch, and best of all, not a team player. Then he said he wanted to go visit his other kids from his first wife up in CHCH. I thought he would take the youngest to visit his half brothers he hadn’t seen for a long time. No, he wanted me to have time alone with the little boy. It would be good for me, he said. Remember that he had just accused me of having filthy feelings for the same child. Filthy as in I had pointed out that I didn’t love him like a son because I don’t know what it is to have a child of my own after 9 miscarriages and no child, when the Traitor tried to use the argument that I loved the little boy like a son to convince me to accept his arrangement…
    So off the Traitor went to visit his sons while I stayed on the farm with their little boy for 2 days and we worked, played, went fishing in the ponds, and visited a friend so he could play with the kids there and see the glow worms.
    On the second day, January 9th 2015, the eldest son phoned me from CHCH looking for his dad. He was expecting him, couldn’t reach him. I told him he might have decided to come home earlier and might be on the road. I kept trying to call him for the next few hours, started to worry when he wasn’t here nightfall. I called the 2nd ex, since she lived on the way back from CHCH and sometimes he and we used to stop there when travelling back and forth to visit family. I had waited until I thought she would be back from work as this was the reason given to me why I had to have her son for the 2 days she was working…
    She told me that maybe the Traitor had stopped to visit his brothers. I got a really bad feeling because they live in a town with excellent phone coverage… The little boy was already asleep in the next bedroom. I tried the Traitor’s cell again. No answer. 15 minutes later he phoned. I told him his eldest son had been looking for him and we were all worried, where was he? ” I am with 2nd ex, I’ve been here all day. I am staying there tonight and I will do what I said I want to do”. ” You know your son is here with me” was my reply. Crickets…I hung up, wept all night quietly so as to not wake up the boy. Next morning I drove the boy 40kms to handover as had been arranged days earlier with 2nd ex. She had also left a message earlier that day that she would be a bit late. She must have slept in, busy night.
    She tried to apologise, I told her I had nothing to say to her and to mind her own business.

    That was DDay 1 and DDay 2 I guess. Then came wreckonciliation, MC, more DDays, all of which gave them plenty of time to scheme, and scheme they did.

    Frankly now when I think of Christmas and the holidays, all I can think of is buying all the Switzerland friends a DVD of Series 1 Dr Foster. If these people can’t imagine what it feels like, maybe this could educate them.

    PS for the newbies, I was never the OW, didn’t meet him until 6 months after he’d split up with the ex.

    #notateamplayer

  • Cheaters are odd in so many ways — they don’t really represent any particular religion, profession, or political party. They are like a creature without a country, or any alliance, because in their minds, there is only one person of any worth in the world — The Cheater. Everyone else is either useful or not. The cheater has no personal capital, so other people have to pay for everything, one way or another. Imagine living your entire life with everything paid for by other people’s money. Even if they hold down a job, they are using the funds for illicit activities, and to pursue selfish interests. ( It doesn’t matter which pronoun I use here, the description applies to both sexes, my cheater’s were male, so . . ) If a cheater has an expense account, he is abusing it. If a cheater gets a bonus — the spouse, children, friends, don’t know it. The cheater buys what the cheater wants. The cheater doesn’t care if the rent and utilities are paid, unless he plans to be there to use them. The cheater is a commodity trader — someone who will pay for this with that, someone who will use another person’s credit card, someone who is never satisfied by whatever is on his own plate. Someone who always wants more than you have. No alliances, no commitments. Decisions are made about where to go or where to stay by whichever option pays the cheater the most in satisfaction and by whatever choice pleases him the most. If the cheater can make you unhappy, that is just bonus kibbles.
    With regard to special occasions and holidays — the cheater goes wherever there is going to be the most fun for him. He really doesn’t care if you and OW are both unhappy — he gets off on the triangulation. Who will dance the prettiest? Who will buy him the most wonderful present? Who can he make cry? It is all entertainment for someone who has no depth of emotional feeling.
    Chumps are the ones who work to make an occasion significant or beautiful Chumps are the ones who assign significance to dates. Cheater’s know we are sentimental and giving. They are takers, they scoop up whatever we give, and then try to get a little more. If they come back and hoover around, it is not because there is any lingering love, it is because we still have something they want. We make a mistake when we try to make them have any feeling of humanity.

    To say that this blog is supporting any particular political party is missing the point. It is not a Republican or Democrat problem, or a Catholic or Baptist problem. The name of your affiliation is not what is important. What is in your heart, and the boundaries of your character are what is important. Anyone who reads this blog and misses this point is not paying attention.

    • Beautiful post, Portia. I love the way you write. Always so well thought out and eloquently expressed.

      I am a bit confused by the 2 posters today that said this blog was too political. Huh?!? Where did that even come from? Just over here shaking my head….

    • One of your points was chilling, but dead on the truth. Our pain is entertainment to them. The more we hurt, the more they enjoy it. When that dawned on me, it stopped all my spackling in it’s tracks. I went from….Oh, he is having a hard time. to……Fuck you, cheater ex……… in a nanosecond, and never went back.

    • Very astute post, Portia. People without a country or connections, indeed. We project connection on to them during our marriages, in the same way that it’s become popular to project dancing snowflakes onto the facade of a house.

  • Dday for me happened the week before Christmas. OW must have caught a case of the holiday blues over being a secret slam when all her friends in real relationships were posting cute Winter date pics all over social media and she got left out, and that triggered her.

    Because that’s when she turned on the cheater and put his name on blast all over social media and local community forums. She was one of the OW who believes that having sex will eventually lead to a cheater leaving his partner for her. And when it didn’t happen, she claimed that he used her and exploited her and abused her. And then all her trashy drama queen friends “got her back” and went after him too.

    It was definitely traumatic, but watching him get completely destroyed by psycho OW and her squad took some of the sting out of it. They stalked him and came after him hard.

    I’m good with the holidays now. I can even laugh at how the cheater got ran over by the karma bus for Christmas. It hurt me badly at the time, but he got punished, and all I had to do was sit back and watch it happen.

  • I had my son on Dec. 17. The day before I went to the hospital Cheaterpants’ phone was blowing up phone calls and texts. He said it was his sister but just didn’t want to talk to her. Two hours after my son’s birth Cheaterpants steps out to get some food and doesn’t come back for 4 hours, says he couldn’t eat hospital food so he needed to go out to eat. We bring our son home from the hospital and Cheaterpants asks my mom to stay over night with me as he needs to get some sleep. He goes upstairs to sleep and I am with our son and my mom up all night with our newborn baby.

    Months later I find out about the OW and check phone records. Night before I went to the hospital OW was blowing up his phone, when he went to get food he was on the phone with OW for an hour, night we brought our son home he was upstairs exchanging texts with her all night. He actually sent his OW a photo of our 2 hour old son!

  • My D-day was yesterday. I’ve had a feeling for weeks that something was going on so I hacked into my liar husband’s apple account (I’m not proud of it, but had to be done) and synced up our phones with a GPS app. When he texted me yesterday morning that he would be 100 miles away all day for a meeting with a new client, and wouldn’t be home until late that night, I tracked his phone….right to a cul-de-sac an hour from our house. So, I took a deep breath, hopped in my car and drove there. And sure enough, his Jeep was parked in her driveway. He’s not even smart enough to park in her garage. After I took a ton of pics I blocked his car in, layed on my horn and screamed out my window for him to come out or I was coming in. It wasn’t pretty. Turns out he’s been seeing her for 2 months (probably 4), told her that we were separated (not true) and they’d been planning this day for a week. She’s a teacher, had to get a substitute for the day, and they met on Tinder. We’ve been having problems at home but I can’t believe he did this. The whole thing was completely premeditated. I’ve gone from fury to sorrow to numbness, repeating in a cycle all day. The grief is coming in waves. We also have two kids, so I’m trying to keep it together until my head clears a little and I can make some decisions. And, right before Christmas. I think I’m still in shock.

    • Nikabee23, I am so very sorry. Please post your story on the forums, under “general”. Others will then see it and offer you support. This is not about you at all, he is deficient in character. And I know how you feel about hacking into your husband’s account. My D-Day was January 1997, before we really had cell phones, and I put a tap on our landline and that’s how I caught him. We do what we have to do when dealing with a liar.

        • Ugh. So very sorry. Yes, definitely join the forums. Sending you best thoughts. This is the hardest part by far right here. It will get better, but not going to lie–a lot of pain and tough times in store. But you can and must make it through to the other side of that. Love and peace to you.

            • Nikabee I’m so sorry. I was in a similar place this month 3 years ago. I remember a friend saying you have to focus and take care of what needs to be done especially since you have children because he is not looking out for you or them anymore. It will be like autopilot for awhile and you’ll have moments you breakdown but its important to take care of things right now…legal matters, finances, protecting the kids from this madness. You’ll have time later to process and be vulnerable but right now its probably best you take care of business. FYI and sure others here had similar experiences my ex husband was charging things to our cards, took money out of our accounts etc. I had to quickly intervene to stop the hemorrhaging and set up some legal protections. It was so hard but in hindsight glad I did it. You’ll get through this even though I know it feels impossible right now.

    • So, so sorry Nikabee. You sound like a strong person. I couldn’t even put a sentence together this soon after Dday. This pain is life changing. I am glad you have found CL. I wish I had in the early days. As Valerie said, the forums are a great place to get advice from these wonderful chumps.

      (((HUGS)))

    • I’m so sorry nikabee23. This is a sucky club we’ve all involuntarily joined but the members of Chump Nation will help you through it. Don’t feel bad about hacking into his apple account. When my dday happened (back in 2010) I had many internal arguments about checking my ex’s phone when I started suspecting that maybe he was having an affair.

      He spent the majority of our marriage accusing me of cheating which compelled him to routine rummage through my purse; once leaving my 8 and 10 year old children home alone one so he could “catch me” cheating at work; and when I got my first cell phone he routinely went through my phone log to see who I was calling and who was calling me.

      I didn’t know this was a major red flag that someone is a cheater. I always assumed that he was insecure and even though I hated it, I never said anything about him going through my purse or my phone. (We had a huge fight about him leaving the kids home alone but that’s a different story for a different day.) Needless to say he never found any evidence of me cheating; but since I hated him rummaging through my purse (what women likes that?), I felt guilty about rummaging through his phone.

      The difference is that they give us a reason to do that. I never gave my ex a reason to routinely invade my privacy but since we were married, I thought that maybe he needed that sort of transparency. Once someone starts the devalue phase, which all of them do once they start cheating, and they give you enough reason to believe something isn’t right then you have to hack and do whatever else you need to do so you can make informed decisions about your own life. Drop that guilt right away. He wasn’t feeling guilty when he was making plans to have sex with someone who wasn’t his wife.

      He’s a loser with no character and you rock. Chump Nation has your back!

      • Yes, I had to spy on my cheater as well to get the truth. I had a weird gut feeling his explanation for why he would be late didn’t make sense. While he was out (very late) I logged into the verizon account as I solely paid for all of our cell phones in the family. The minute he walked in the door, I asked him was he out on a date and he looked me in the eye, laughed, and told me I was crazy. It was over in that second.

        They lie. So don’t feel bad about the hacking.

        And my cheater also for sixteen years, routinely and frequently asked me what my schedule was going to be, where I was and acted freaked out when I occasionally came home early from work. I thought it was because he cared about me and what I was doing, but I realize now it was so he knew my whereabouts and comings and goings so he could keep cheating and keep it secret from me.

        And now 4.5 years later, as I am truly WisedUp now to the true nature of this sneaky bastard who I thought was a decent man. After all, he was always telling us all how great he was, how moral and upstanding, and smartest one in the room, I only wish I could get the time back that I wasted on him. But at least I’m not wasting any more money on supporting him, that is now OW’s problem. He was spying on me which I only found out recently when I stumbled on a note he had written to himself a couple of years before DDay, clearly evidencing that he was making pains to delete things he didn’t want me to see on a shared computer in our house, and that he had motion detection cameras hidden somewhere in the house, why I will never know.

        Oh and even w/o hacking, about six months after I kicked him out I stumbled on emails he’d written to a prior OW five years before Dday. Setting up a date for after New Years Eve. When I read the glib snarky way he talked about our family plans and how much he looked forward to seeing her after he got back, it still makes me nauseous to think about as that particular holiday season was, i thought, one of the happiest I ever had. We spent Christmas with Ex’s family and New Year’s Eve with mine, and it was so much fun, so full, I thought, of love.

        In hindsight, it would have never occurred to me to spy on him and track him the way he was tracking me, because I’m a normal person. So much better off without this lying leech. Merry Christmas and Happy Hannukah to all Chumps!

    • Oh man I’m so sorry. I bet your heart was racing while driving to his location. Your story is so heartbreaking. Hug up your kids as much as you can, that helped me.

    • Nikabee, I’m so glad you found us. Yes, you’re in shock. Please protect yourself. Play dumb, and start collecting financials and see a lawyer. DO NOT TELL HIM. Let him think you are paralyzed. DO NOT BE. Read everything on the homepage for just finding out and get on the forums for 24/7 support.

      Hang in there. You WILL survive this. It’s going to hurt like a motherfucker, but you WILL get to the other side of this nightmare. Promise.

      • Thank you so much everyone for the support. This feels like a death. I know it’s going to get worse before it gets better but I’m so glad I found this site. It helps to not feel so alone.

        • Nickabee, You are not alone! I found out on Christmas Eve that my husband was cheating. I am sending you a big hug and if I could look you in the eye, I would tell you, that your going to make it! It’s going to be painful and there will be moments where it will feel like you can’t go on, but you will. You will survive this and have a beautiful life. Please value yourself and kids enough to know and act on the belief that you deserve better. We are here for you! We know the feeling where your stomach sinks and you think you’re going throw up and pass out all at the same time. We all know how the adrenaline propels you to find out and confront them but how sorrow and shock hit quickly after. Please take care of yourself. You are a powerful woman and you have a tribe of people on this site for support! 💕

    • Nickabee….please don’t apologize or feel bad about “snooping.” He had it coming. He was not honest. He would have hoodwinked you longer had you not taken action. You had every right to look at his computer.

    • Nickabee,

      You have good instincts and intelligence. I hope that you use these traits to help you and your family (you and your kids). I had one of these unearthing of lies (discover ‘car in driveway’) moments. I still remember my sides twitching in strange ways as I lay in bed (partnerless) with my kids after this discovery. That weekend, lots of outrageous lies rolled out of my ex-boyfriend’s mouth like an explosion of diarrhea. At some point during his dishonest blabbering session, I had to look away and could not respond any more. I realized that at a certain point, a genuine chump (me) does not need to confirm or point out the absurdity of the lies anymore. You know all you need to know to form decisions.) My hands tingled for two straight months afterward. Please seek whatever healthy support you can. CN is here for you.

    • So sorry Nickabee, please look after yourself. Read CL’s book and get advice on the forum, maybe pretend to forgive for a and line up your ducks. It’s all about protecting yourself now, he’s not your friend no matter what he says.

    • Nickabee, Early days, ((((hugs)))). Read this blog entirely. You will grieve and then hopefully your anger will propel you forward. I was a mess for three solid years. Still doing what needed to be done, but a mess…. Exercise and music helped. That, and focusing on my kids. Good luck on your new journey.

  • Patrick Carnes/Rob Weiss ….the two ass clowns who decided infidelity and perverted sexual behavior are a “disease”- more accurately “an addiction”- issue holiday advice for cheaters/perverts to help them not cheat or act like disgusting perverts.

    Carnes and Weiss whine that holiday disappointments and the demands of families- can drive a man straight into the arms of a hooker, mistress or anonymous internet hook up. These two morons need to be kicked in the balls!

    • Oh, so that’s what happened Christmas Day when I was five months pregnant and my husband went and fucked a hooker.

      Well, I guess that the real problem in my life was that someone on a blog wrote something truthful (yet negative) about a political figure – discovered creep.

      I should really get worked up about that whole “political thing” instead of getting upset over my husband fucking a hooker Christmas Day when I was pregnant, risking mine and my unborn daughter’s health and then gaslighting me for years about it, even until I had already had another child with him. Thanks Patrick Carnes for figuring out that Jingle Bells made him do it.

      • Nickabee hang in there. Your Tuesday will come. In the meantime cry, rage, do whatever but make sure you keep your sanity. I almost landed “on the other side” due to severe depression.
        Two Christmases ago all my daughter wanted was a wooden puzzle. It was a boat. She was about to buy it for herself. Her dad jumped in and took it from her. He also bought the house and a bike. They are like a work of art when completed.
        Christmas morning she got the bike, house and a book. When she asked “but dad where’s my boat.” All she got was a blank stare. “What boat, I never bought any boat?”
        My heart just broke. I cannot explain how I felt in that moment. The boat was all she wanted. She knew he bought it and so did I.
        What kind of a human does that to his child????
        This is our first Christmas without him. My daughter is expecting him to at least contact her. It is I who will have to deal with THAT pain now.
        Less that two months after he moved out he is sporting his whore in his vehicle. Both of us saw him. How can these fuckwits look themselves in the mirror.

        • What kind of human does that? One that still thinks the universe revolves around him. I hope he has some sense to contact your daughter but I wouldn’t count on it. The first year fuckwit left, he would send a one line text to the kids on holidays. This year, they were laughing and taking bets on weather they would get a thanksgiving text from him. They didn’t and my oldest daughter surprised me the most with the pained look on her face and anger in her voice. She had hope but then he once again he shows who he really is: a narcissist who cannot see outside of himself.

          I think when they look in the mirror, they see the mask and love it.

          I am sorry for your daughter but she is lucky to have one sane parent who can “buy her the boat.”

  • Mine was exactly a year from this time…in between Christmas and New Years. I do not know if he physically cheated, but he emotionally cheated constantly and is an extreme narcissist. The ass even texted me a champagne toast pic when he was having a good time! No loss for him. Used and abused.
    However, in a years’ time, I have found myself again. Had a good chunk of time to examine myself, get myself back on track financially, healed, and met a great new boyfriend (I wasn’t dating or even trying!). The best part is I am stronger, my priorities straight, and its not about another person. Its about me and my family.
    This holiday, life will be sweeter. Thank you Chump Nation!

  • My dday was May 2015…following a year of working ” together” for a better marriage after he had given me the ILYBNILWT speech and he wanted a trial separation in May 2014
    At that time i told him if he needed to leave and go and live out all his fantasies etc ( we were eachothers firsts)…then to go. I would not stop him…it was his choice to make….but he should go if thats what he needed to do….( unbeknown to me he was having an Emotional (physical???) Affair with a 26 year old co work – 20 years his junior…he was a senior lawyer…..
    To cut a very long story short he did NOT leave but stayed…we had lots of stressful moments…he suggested I (!) went to therapy for my FOO issues…..whilst he behind my back carried on with his new girlfriend at wotk….exchanging texts…pub drinks…xmas gifts…..In May 2014 I even booked a few days away as a family; b4 xmas ( 2lovely daughters) for family time….and straight after he went back to work he was ordering gold jewellry dog tags so he could make her a personalised necklace…which he did in our garage using my daughters craft letters….and then met up with her for a drink after work ” team drink” lie……..In all my 25years with him he had NEVER put in any such effort for me for any present….
    I only got to find out about all of this continued deception in May 2015 when he got so drunk after my daughters holy communion he had left his permanently locked phone unlocked….Gut instinct over the years and that year inparticular led me to read it and there was only one email re searching for the gold jewellry tags that finally gave the game away – 20 long long Years of me knowing instinctively “something was going on” & finally i got the PROOF i had been searching for for years…searching receipts , phone records , searching everything for YEARS and living in a state of “anxiety and confusion” in a way for years as a direct result… but nothing …… etc….
    So the next day when over lunch with our girls nonchantly asked him for his phone and got the pic up of the tags he had ordered …asking ” do you like this jewellry” that he knew his lifelong game was up……Once daughters out of the way i let him have it verbally and threw my wedding rings at him and called him a fkg liar liar liar….
    We tried to wreckoncile…and during that time i said i needed honesty b4 i could move on as i told him i believed he’d been unfaithful for years…and yep….A year after we married…one night stand with co worker……a year long e/p affair with another co worker ( whilst we going through ivf) he even invited her to our daughters christening where she bought expensive gifts and i tecalled saying to my sister in the day that i thought “something was going on with them) …….online sex sites…….meeting up with 1(????!!) Woman off the sites but ” we just had a drink!)…and the final e/p affair with the 26year old….And there was probably lots more as i now know they NEVER tell you it all…..

    So years of sensing all was Not right….being denied…gaslit….told lies to me ..being told i needed therapy…being told i was too intense…( one daughter had serious health needing 2 major ops) and years of me ” being the adult and responsible and organised person in the relationship.)

    I supported him when he retrained and changed profession -( he was off work for 5years ) whilst i was earning a lot of money in a senior role as had really put my head down to get my degree and do the best for “us”. Then we got married and decided to “party “in London……whillst i gave up my career to be at home with our children which we had via ivf…..

    So to all the newbies out there….please please do not give these guys another chance…..he STOLE 20years from me and made those years so full if anxiety not love…. i can never get back that time and i should have been a mum properly enjoying her time with her daughters… unencumbered by stress anxiety and gaslighting…he has now destroyed my love of life and now most days are a struggle to be a “happy” mum for my girls. He destroyed who i was and i am fighting my way back to ” normal” and to ME again..the person i was b4 i was consumed by his moods needs and wants over the years…never mine.. Its so tough some days to think that someone who lived with you was actually “living another life ” alongside you with other women – it was all a sham. I was just his “security blanket” and his “wife appliance” Disordered fuck. All of the time this second life was destroying me as a person and sabotaging our marriage from within…..Narcissist trough eating cake and kibbles pig…

    Read Tracys book – Trust trust trust that theses disordered fkrs suck.

    So now – I hate xmas . I hate presents. I hate books. I hate jewellry. I hate all those things he contaminated with his behaviour….
    I hate the fact that I loved him .

    I hate the fact that i am an intelligent hardworking kind hearted generous and loving woman and great mother …and i hate the fact that I put all my energy love and effort into our relationship and our family and all the time and i was being betrayed distespected and DUPED.
    I hate the fact i got duped.
    I hate the fact that i was too stupid and loving to really dig dig dig deeper..

    He contaminated our marriage.

    He contaminted our family life.

    He destroyed my essence.

    And can anyone please please please explain why when i told him to go if thats what he wanted…ie to separate in May 2014….why the fuck didnt he leave?????
    I just cannot get my head around that one – when i asked him oncd he just stared blankly back.

    Fuck me – i just dont get it!

    • Your story is eerily similar to mine!! My D was final about a year ago and I still mentally reel and cringe about being duped, conned, suckered for 25 years (20 married when the whole story came out.) I also quit a great career to be a SAH Mom and am financially screwed now. I was constantly told to get help for my FOO issues, when I was really going crazy from the gaslighting. After 25 years of gaslighting I was too weak to fight for my fair 1/2 and just wanted out. I got out, but my financial and career situation is grim. He is happy as a lark living his usual F-ed up life, and I am overcome with anxiety every waking moment and trying desperately to hide it from my 2 kids. And I just don’t fucking get it either! I feel like seeing some karma would help, but this meh /peace thing is not visiting me and I feel like it should have started by now… Aug 2015 the 1st of many discoveries started, Nov 2016 D was final. WHEN will it get better?!

      • Hi….thanks for your reply…i just hope that like me you have awesome friends around who validate you and make you realise that hey -i am an ok person…..it wasnt me – we were just unlucky to marry a user…
        Thankfully i fould out when i had just turned 50 years young and still have some zip in me….if i had only found out on my deathbed i would have been really pissed off! At least i can live a life now unencumbered by a user or parasite as another user aptly mentioned….never again..

        I am happy in my own company and have never “needed ” him as such….in fact he had shown me years ago that i was able to do virtually everyhing by myself anyway! No great loss. No great loss of intimacy or feeling really loved either…..it was just about sex for him. No emotional connection. He could go out all day come home not talk to me really ignore me then get into bed and moan because i was not interested…….He failed to work out the connection between emotional connection and love and sex. He had no real empathy. Still needs adult stuff explained to him still gets “overwhelmed” by too much emotion .

        Only thing he appears to have been able to love was attention from co workers and the first throws of any new flirtatious relationship / affair…all fun….

        Didnt do , couldnt do , couldnt be bothered to do , incapable of doing the difficult stuff….

        Ring any bells with anyone else?

  • My stbx wants to come over Christmas morning… and pretend. I’ve back and forth in my mind asto what is best for our 4 and 8 year olds and have decided this.

    Christmas is not the same. It will not ever be the same again. Dad left us for a new family. He is suddenly realizing that he doesn’t really like being around his own kids , so being around someone else’s kid day in and day out sucks. It’ll suck watching someone else’s kid open presents Christmas morning. It’ll suck not seeing the pure joy in our Children when they wake at about 5:30 am with excitement over all the magic mom has prepared.
    Christmas is not the same. His seat will be empty at the table. There won’t be prime rib, but there will be a table prepped with so much love.
    I’ll let him bring his gifts and see them after the morning magic for a couple hours. Which will be enough.
    And then the kids and I will continue with our family. Our fun. Our lives much like we always did.

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